#also need to finish irl work
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omg you’re alive, I love this au
//Thanks! Just fixing up the blog and finalizing some designs. Then I'll post some proper updates.
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hehe. almost christmas!
#ace attorney tag#narumitsu#partial nudity /#2nd and 3rd things inspired by playing the first game and Uhh... why is phoenix accusing men of being lovers and being certain of it#and just generally containing the core of bisexuality within him#also there's that part i recall in maybe the..3rd game? where he's like Wow.. I'd Fall For Him Too... about that cinnamon swirl looking man#learnt lately that the writers upon learning that ace attorney was very popular with BL people immediately started reading BL#to understand the genre. i think phoenix would also do such Research in college. to Learn About People. About The World.#so now he feels that he has gaydar and is a good Ally etc. But actually maybe...you're also just bi too !#too bad you'll have to get kissed by a criminal to work that out! Hang in there <3#i reread my fic today !! I'm in the christmas mood now ! Sort of ! ooooh the 7 year gap.. at least we are in the 7 year gap years irl#Somewhere out there they ARE drinking wine romantically gazing at snow on a balcony in germany. thank GOD for that fr#so i shall be drawing things from THAT era next i need to depict men finally kissing NOW !!!!!!#can't do it with orufrey..can't draw cute happy romantic wintry art of them..didn't finish processing my current divorcecore arc era cycle
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HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TAN JIANCI 檀健次 // 5.OCT 1990
( templates by @dayslily & @vernonline )
#tan jianci#supportcontentcreators#usergif#chineseartistsinc#cdramaedit#jctedit#tan jian ci#jc-t#tjc#mandopoprealm#cpopedit#cactoredit#musicedit#birthday sets#🎨 sets#mer gifs#iiii finished it#after 2 crashes when nearly done and ages of exporting moments later#and of course irl screws me over#gave up like 3 times#i should've resized them#the exporting took me so long i really need a better laptop#also i'm a freak#i love adding details and work till i'm 100% satisfied#i'm so happy with it finally now look at it🤩#2nd gif are all his recent roles i've watched#are you safe i watched this year so i included it as well#now i need sleeeeeep fr
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Prompt 3: Sketchbook
"Sketchbook" immediately brought Beryl to mind, and I thought it would be cute to have her looking through her grandfather's sketchbook. And then I remembered that I actually inherited some of my own grandfather's art and I thought it would be neat to work that in there. So credit to Nagyapa for those little art pieces :)
#Tales of Hearts#Beryl Benito#Tales of Hearts R#Tales of Series#Tales Series#all of my grandpa's art that i know of is just on little scrap papers#like those paintings up there are actually really small irl. it's very impressive#art/music/fixing toys/building things - he could do pretty much anything#it's been years but I still miss him. so this was really nice to work on#also this is probably the last time i ever do digital line art. it's just not for me :p#pencils are my best friend and I need to start embracing that#finished
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i'm feeling so blessed in this hybrid oden tonight....
putting this under the cut bc i'm gonna get a lil mushy for a second. i really wanna say thank you so much to everyone who drew kuroba for artfight!! sometimes, it feels like i can't properly put how grateful i am or how much i love every peice of art i've received into words, but knowing that people like my silly little oc really means the world to me and makes me so happy. everyone drew them so beautifully, getting to see them in everyone's style made me so freaking giddy!!
this last month was kinda rough on me since i finally caught covid after successfully avoiding it for 4 years, but all of the kindness everyone has shown me ( on af and on here ) really helped keep my spirits up. so uh. thank you again for all of that, it really means a lot!! 🥺✨️
#i'm so sad artfight's over it was so much fun#i really wish irl stuff didn't get in the way for me during it i wanted to draw so much more!! 😭#there's a revenge i didn't get to finish & i wanna do some more so i'll probably still work on them even though it's off season now#i'm excited for next year i hope i'll be able to participate!!#OH i also still need to post the art i did for larry and kailee. i'll do that in a sec!#mj rambles
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sorry this just turned into complaining in tags. you don't have to expand all that i prommy.
#i have to develop an INTEREST or SOMETHING#jaerambles#god i just. something stressful is happening irl and i need a break from it but i'm in a loop bc i don't have anything else for my brain#i'm sorry this isn't a request for suggestions i'm having a really hard time with like finishing things and i don't want to#create an expectation DHGSDIFOSDH if that makes sense. i have been very listless when it comes to finding joy and i Know Why#it's just frustrating that i'm i guess like this forever and ever.#i've also been really busy so no oc stuff or any original thoughts i've just been. passing my time until i have to go to work again#i shouldn't be trying this hard i know. but i wish it came naturally.#i was talking with a coworker about not having a lot of friends on island and i was like. well outside of work#i only talk to my family and dm like 2 people. i don't frequently hang out with anyone.#there's a lot going on in my Fucking Brain and i can't even get distracted properly#there HAS to be more to life than just going to work and being tired from work. there HAS to be something#(my ocs rotting in the corner) (untouched hobbies gathering dust)
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A slightly less average day in Family Video
A girl with shoulder length blond hair and a huge stack of tapes goes to the counter. Steve, who had wrongly assumed that Robin could handle herself for ten minutes, tries to intervene. It is in vain. He is aware that it is in vain, even as he sprints towards them. Tapes clatter behind him on the floor. Unfortunately the noise is not enough to dissuade the innocent customer, who barely even pauses on her way to the ticking time bomb that is Robin Buckley.
He feels like in a movie, everything around him suddenly moving in an excrutiatingly slow pace. He is the only one who can see the incoming disaster, and yet there is nothing he can do but watch. Watch as Robin's lips twitch - not in the fun "I actually find your stupid joke hilarious but I refuse to laugh because it is so stupid and beneath me" way, but the decidedly more concerning "I am uncomfortable and overwhelmed someone get me out of this situation please". Watch as her nostrils start to flare in that particular way that means she is trying really hard not to burst into tears.
Oh dear.
Needless to say, the blonde does not take any of the tapes home with her. Steve watches in envy as she exits the shop. Ah, to be a free spirit, able to escape his soulmate's laments with no guilt or remorse or consequences. But alas, he has been cursed with a bleeding heart, a guilt complex the size of Indiana and a useless lesbian. And so, instead of doing the reasonable thing and escaping this hellscape, he goes towards the explosive variable. Dingus indeed.
"Hey, how about we take a break, huh?" Steve tries to recalls the rules about approaching wild animals - Dustin had a phase when he first got Dart. No loud noises. No sudden movements. Slow and steady. Take everything at the anima- at Robin's pace. (He'll have to tell her that one when she is less upset. She was literally named after a bird, so drunk on exhaustion Robin will find it absolutely and disproportinately hilarious)
He physically recoils when he catches a glimpse of Blondie's would-be haul. Dirty Dancing. The Princess Bride. Purple Rose of Cairo. Of all the days for a romcom movie night. At least Steve can rest assured that he isn't God's only favorite chewtoy. Isn't that what it means to be soulmates, after all? Doomed by forces beyond your comprehension together?
Steve looks at the evergrowing stack left behind on the counter (only one person managed to actually rent out the movies, and that was when Steve had sent Robin to her third break in two hours), the three movies still laying on the floor (please no one step on them please no one step on them by the love of god please nobody step on them) and prays nobody checks the security footage today as he leads Robin to what must be her sixth break. The shift is barely halfway over.
Now, Steve is neither a lesbian (he looks at boys a tad too long to only be interested in girls) nor a high school student (class '85 baby!). However, he is the unfortunate resident of a nosy and boring small town (seriously, fuck Hawkins), very aware of how draining it is to have to keep a big secret in said nosy and boring small town (if you think about it, are a person's sexuality and flesh-devouring monsters from a different dimension truly that different?), and has also morphed into one eldritch agglomeration with his bestest most favorite person of all times (Mike's words. Apparently the way he and Robin can read each other's minds is "freaky" or something), so he is very aware and sympathetic of their struggles and beliefs.
Such as this: the list of people you can cry on when your not-quite-girlfriend-but-definitely-something-more-than-friends-you-are-maybe-kind-of-in-love-with suddenly breaks it off is remarkably shorter than if said person was a boy. In Robin's case, the list is exactly one person long. Well, technically two, but it would be very awkward and painful to sob on the person who is the reason for your tears.
"It's s-s-so. So ssssstupid. I mean we were-weren't even a-an-any-anything. I don't know why I'm so u-up-up-p-p-pset"
Steve nods and rubs her back. He hopes his expression is as sympathetic and righteously mad on her behalf as the first time he heard the story.
"We used to kiss und-d-d-der the bleachers. The same b-b-b-bleachers we face whenevvvvvvver we p-p-p-practic-ssss-e in band. How am I sup-p-p-p-pposed to look at those stupid fucking b-b-b-leachers without thinking about her lips and her leeeegs and-"
"Such stupid bleachers", Steve dutifully agrees. He wonders whether one of the kids can maybe hack into the CCTV to delete the footage? Surely they can't be fired without any hard evidence, right? The last thing Robin needs right now is the inevitable stress that comes with job hunting.
"Howwww- how do you d-d-deal with it?!"
It takes a moment of Robin staring at him expectantly before he realizes that she went off-script and he is expected to actually answer her question. You know, like a proper sympathetic best friend and soulmate is supposed to act.
"How do I deal with what?"
"With the b-b-b-break-k-k-kkkk-kups? Me and her weeeeeeren't even-"
"Your emotions are valid" Steve shamelessly steals Robin's go-to saying whenever he is unreasonably upset about something stupid. She hits him, which is fair. Maybe he was being a little bit mocking about it. Sue him.
"It's like-", he pauses, searching for a more tactful way to say it. But then again, he has never been great at expressing himself and Robin always gets him anyways, so he just goes for it. "I mean. It's not like anyone is really upset after a breakup you know."
Robin blinks. Once. Twice.
"Wwww-wh-what?"
"I mean. You explained it to me. Sexism and all that shit. If a girl isn't upset and stuff she's called a slut. Boys don't have that, and they seem to always be fine. I mean, Tommy P. was making out with Alicia literally the same day he got dumped by Sarah. It's all just about peacocking and status and all that stupid stuff."
Maybe he was overestimating Robin's telepathic abilities, because she looks even more confused. "Sssso you just got together with all those girls because. What. It-t-tt was expect-ted of youuu?!"
Maybe Steve's own telepathic abilities are also failing him because like. Obviously?! What's the hang-up?
"So you decided yourrrrr girrrrrrrrrrlfriends based on what-t? Whether they were cheeeeeeer-cheerleaders?!"
"I mean. That's what everyone did, isn't it? Expectarions and all that crap." Steve starts wondering if maybe Robin has something stuck in her eye. "Like, of course I wouldn't start anything with someone if I didn't like them as a person. But the girls were cute, and making out is fun, and I like hanging out with them so like, why not. If it got boring after a while I just broke it off, no harm no foul."
"SSSSO YOU SST-sss-STAYED TOGETHER WITH HER UNTIL YOU FOUND A SHINIER NEW T-T-T-TOYYY?!"
"Hey, you don't need to say it like that. It's not like I was doing anything different from everyone else. Society is fucked, or whatever it is you always say."
A pause. "Steve.... if it sounds heartless....it's b-b-b-because it issss. I hate to say it but.... I don't thiiiiiink all of your girlfriends saw it the sa-sa-sa-same way you did. I mean, did you look at T-t-t-tammy? She looked devastated for wwwweeks. I remember I was so mad at you for that. You didn't even seem to not-t-t-t-t-no-notice."
Silence. It's Steve's turn to blink. Once. Twice. He starts to wonder if the thing Robin had stuck in her eye was knowledge. Or maybe tears. Regret?
"But. The slut thing-" "Steve. How did you feel about Nancy? Was it the same thing?" "No! It- I don't know. It was. She was- ...Oh."
In the quiet that follows, Steve swears he can hear his own heart crack in two.
"I mean, we weren't even together-together most of the time. Or some of the time, at least. Like-" (Robin, cheeks red from all the crying. "I mean, we weren't even anything". And maybe Steve didn't quite understand the reason for these tears, but he understood pain and he understood Robin so he held her close anyways)
"Wait Steve, no. I-I'm so- sorr-rrr-sorr-y"
And fuck. Isn't he an absolutely selfish and horrible person? Here he comes, finding out he hurt perfectly lovely girls, figuring out that the "heartbreaker" moniker is less a joke and more a warning, and then he has the audacity to feel hurt. He. Shame burbles up in his gut, multiplying until it comes leeking out of his eyes.
It's shameful and horrible. It is even more shameful and horrible because Robin is currently going through what they had probably felt, too. Tammy who loved singing to the radio. Layla who loved making friendship bracelets. Natasha who also had a love for basketball. He imagines them locked up in their rooms, trying to hold onto him even as they know it is fruitless, feeling like after that stupid halloween party - because of him. He wants to hurl.
And Robin, always overthinking, always overeager - Robin who is trying to nurse her own broken heart and doesn't understand what he is feeling but she understands pain and most importantly she understands him. Robin gives him a kiss on the forehead and holds him close.
"I shhhhhhouldn't have been so-so-so-ssssso harsh. I was frusssss-trated and I let it out on you I'm sorry."
Steve smiles sardonically. "My feelings are valid?" She flicks him on the forehead and laughs.
-> the gay crisis that wasn't
-> stobin partner tattoos (aka tramp stamp)
-> fighting the war on heteronormativity on the side of headache (ft. Tim Curry)
-> Hawkins has cryptids and they are movie snobs
#ANYONE REMEMBER THESE LMAO#fun fact this is genuinely how my very aromantic 13yo brain thought romantic relationship worked rip. one too many i hate my wife jokes ig#another fun fact: this entire thing was written to hayley williams solo stuff. i absolutely adore her its so so good#also about the stuttering: when im very upset and/or tired i have a hard time saying hard vowels like “p” “t” “d”#and also stretch out softer ones like “v” “s” “n” - so i gave this little quirk to robin too. bc i can#plz dont make fun of it ;-; and also dont finish the words for the person if someone does it irl CUZ THAT SUCKS#i feel like this is a bit different than the other ones but i needed to spread my aro-spec steve agenda SOMEHOW hehehe#hes aroallo and nancy is the only time he has ever felt genuine romanic emotions towards anyone which is why it was so hard on him#robin buckley#steve harrington#stobin#family video#an average day in family video#stranger things
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Day 1 of spending no money was a success but idk how much of that can be contributed to me since my grandma paid for my lunch and my dad paid for my dinner 😝
STILL THO I think before I got to bed tn I’m gonna dec out my new bag so I can finally start using it, and I think I’ll put my wallet minus credit cards in there.
I know this won’t be the biggest help since most of my big frivolous purchases happen online but still, i think it’ll be good to at least remind me that I can’t be as careless about it as i used to be.
ALSO I finally got my bathroom all cleaned up and organized 🙏 I knows it’s just one small part of my room but I’m so relieved to have SOMETHING done. I’m still proud of how clean the living room/kitchen is but those are spaces I’m gonna have to continuously clean so I can’t be happy w it for tooo long (esp since I’ll be moving my bedroom shit in there to help w organizing)
REGARDLESS THO I think tmrw im gonna try to focus big time on cleaning my bedroom and closet, calling my dad to see if he can come install some stuff for me, and tidying up in the living room and kitchen before my Roomate comes back
Ghhrrr I’m so ready for everything to be in order, and I *know* that might not be possible to get done, but I’m REALLY hoping I can make a noticeable improvement, once I get the harder parts done it’ll at least be easier for me to finish up the next day 🤙
#also I need to wrap up my shit on TikTok#I’ve saved a bunch of videos but there’s still some collections I wanna look thru before it’s too late#and then I need to organize them SOMEHOW#idk what app would be best storage wise but I deeeff need to do a big photo album purge soon#it’s taking up like at least 40gb of my storage rn and that’s HEINOUS#I also STILL need to finish my widget layout god#that can wait until my real life is clean and organized tho#once that’s done THEN I can go in and organize and clean out my phone#anyways#I think I should do pizza or pork carnitas for dinner tmrw?#OR I split up the dough and make a mini pizza for lunch and carnitas for dinner…#I’ve been toying with the idea of making sliders for my work lunches but idk where to find buns for that#I will need to do a grocery run for my full sized buns anyways tho so hmmm#also this is why I love tumblr as a diary app#I feel like I never talk as much as I do on tumblr#this is how I was always reaching the post limit on here during middle school#I’ve just never felt so free when making a post and then just sending it into the world like I do on tumblr#this must be what it’s like for influencers ugh#god speaking of once I’m done with 1. irl cleaning 2. online cleaning 3. I NEEED to get back to art#like drawing and using my iPad yes but also looking into art jobs or at least ways I can get involved in the art world#I might want to look into new jobs anyways but I think I need to find a way to incorporate art into my life again#I feel like it’s taken such a backseat in my life and I rlly hate when that happens#I think I’ve started pushing it aside when I have relationships to take care of now that I’m out of hs but I think I need to find a way to#balance both#work life art balance like I think this is so doable#maybe I do need a planner or graph or something to get all my priorities straight hmm#OHHHH MY VISION BOARD FUCK#I need to make my vision board#I’ll work on my bag and then I’ll get started on my vision board layout ugh#jan 25
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i can not even begin to explain how stressful the last two days have been at work
#yapping#my job is super chill 90% of the time... like i literally get paid to do nothing often#unironically most of my drawings are started and completed during my work hours thats how non busy it is#but these last few days have been insane.. i need all our clients to drop dead this second for the sake of the entire teams sanity#i almost cried from stress yesterday at one point#i need my companys CEO to stop liking me and having faith in me ngl#IT DOESNT PAY OFF TO BE LIKED BY YOUR BOSS#cause it just means hell give u more responsibilities that he doesnt trust other people with :'^)#ppl were genuinely thinking of quitting this week 😭😭😭😭#i have faith itll get back to normal soon though#today is already chill compared to the previous days#yesterday i was on three phonecalls at the same time all while texting with the CEO nonstop for hours#and all of that while actually doing whats my literal job in the background#i stayed an hour longer to finish the report i make at the end of my shifts#my dad got mad at me for staying longer (he was at ny apartment at the time)#but man what else can i do its so insane#also i did not report my overtime to anyone cause i wanted to do my report in peace without having to multitask 10 things as well#the money for that one hour isnt worth the stress xjdjdnhdhdhdj#im yapping now but GOD its been so bad#at least we all got $100 bonuses SIGH#ive already spent that money in my mind ngl#lowkey spent it irl as well not just in my mind
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Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.
(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)
#Nevi Writes#things said by a guy writing a thing he doesn't even intend to be writing and it's like 10k of words now. >:[#while that's true I do want to emphasize that nobody should get excited about it right now tho okay#because like it's just. idk. I feel very much like it could end up not worth pursuing anyway. it's just a little baby wip.#(when the fuck did my little baby wips get to be 1/4-1/2 the length of my previous 'finished' stories!! what the hell)#it just feels nice to make words tho. and it does have that kind of 'ah good to catch up with these guys again' vibe which is nice.#even if the break has once again been like. on the order of days to a week maybe. I'm so bad at this taking a break business suddenly. lel.#but I don't have anything much to say about it at this point#other than I'm debating inventing a reason that presidential elections would have been moved by a couple of years between now and 2212#what is it with me and having to be so damn precise with dates in this whole narrative. am I just mad that Capcom never tries?#(yes) (so mad)#(and 2212 would actually be an election year is the problem. I want time to have passed but I also want there to be a pres. election.)#(it's fine don't worry about it)#(this is how I decided that Blucifer got bload up and then replaced also. weird reliance on mashing up IRL things and fictional explosions)#(but it's fun isn't it? got that veneer of verisimilitude. I'm good at long words)#idk this is inevitable isn't it. but I'm going to keep playing like it's not. I think I need a little more space for this one mentally.#the first one just sort of fell out of my head fully assembled and the second one did that also but with different vibes#though it did actually take some cutting things and adjusting things to make it work which Failure to Compile did not#Failure to Compile was bizarrely effortless until the mad editing dash. Outcome Unpredictable was WORK#fun work at least! but in hindsight it was definitely more work to make it flow properly.#the real job for the 3th if it happens is gonna be wrapping up threads without dropping new ones in bc that's such a habit of mine now
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so do the rest of you guys just simplify your dreams when explaining them to people or do I just remember a significantly weirder degree of depth than the average bear
#thinking about shit like this every morning when i wake up after like#spending the past however many hours in part of a high stakes cop drama that takes place in the pokemon world#but my pokemon is actually an elder scrolls character pretending to be a weird rare pokemon because it's easier than passing as human#and the fair we are trying to get through is down a dirt road alley that's also a depressingly empty polynesian farmers market#and we gotta go fast because my irl friend who's with us really wants to have a mantine draped over his shoulders like when he was a kid#but then we find out that the mantine encounter was at the aquarium next to the fair and not the fair itself and he just misremembered#so he's all sad while we're riding go karts and dirtbikes because he doesn't get to play with the mantines#but anyway we were here for the cop drama bit because some teenage girl got assaulted and we need to beat up the perp's pokemon#(perp himself has already been bagged)#and now I'm realizing that I don't know what fake pokemon moves to tell my fake “pokemon” to use#(he's a daedric prince it's not like he'd listen to me anyway he's about to obliterate the fuck outta this sunflora no matter what I say)#which leads me to wondering why I can't think of a decent steel-type pokemon move similar to slash#(“metal claw only works if you have claws” I think to myself wondering why there isn't some kind of sword move like ffs honedge exists)#anyway he's already finished the fight so it doesn't matter we can go home back through the depressing farmers market#home is aboard a KotoR-esque spaceship of course which is good because it means I get “back at camp” dialog with my daedra friend#but he's gone now shit fuck where did he go is he killing people without me this is bad I leave and start walking through crowded streets#people are trying to sell me shit but I ignore them#I'm accosted by a guy dressed like an old-west outlaw who says that he's with the vigil of stendarr and he's here hunting daedra#I tell him to fuck off because honestly I'm no longer invested in this dream's narrative arc#(I'm trying to envision a different scenario that is more appealing to my current tastes but lucid dreaming was a lie and I can't hack it)#then I wake up#next night I dream about being an omnipotent dragon god with a marsupial pouch full of my adopted babies (JJK characters)
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#me when im finally actualky doing the things that make me hapoy#happy wtf is hapoy#i need to get more into cosplay and furry stuff too#i cant wait for my local convention. its genuinely the only place i find people irl with my interests(specifically bjds/dolls)#its legit my favorite place. i wish i could go to more cons but honestly its kind of expensive#and its more tricky when its not literally ten minutes away#but i do have the ren faire in the fall so im pretty well rounded with fun events throughout the year#i just need to make sure i finish my cosplay stuff before the con.#and maybe work on a fursuit. thats going to have to wait until next year though i think#also its crazy how much better i feel when i force myself to get things done#things i like#i just spend a significant amount of time NOT doing things and im trying to fix it#also. crazy coincidence that now that im on different meds i actually feel better.#like im at the bare minimum of feeling vetter and its still such an improvement
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a heem heem whimper
#it finally sank in that the zola anniversary is only 10 days away#and i'm suddenly very mournful that i didn't actually prepare anything#i've just been working on utau things and plp2 covers and character sheets and irl diy projects and other miscellaneous things for months#and it finally hit me that it's coming up and it feels like i've got a pit in my stomach#i want to participate and enjoy celebrating these boys who've been a large part of my work for the majority of those 10 years#but i also#can't really muster up the energy to do much of anything#the thought of drawing something leaves me feeling exhausted#and i can't really think of any composition that would really matter#i definitely can't finish a cover in that time frame#and all the “”“completed”“” covers i have are seriously outdated#and though in theory i could get Something™ small done in 10 days#i also. need to finish art for an upcoming campaign and get back on my oto work . . . . . .#i just feel very terrible and weepy ; ; ;#and just kind of wishing i hadn't dropped what little i'd had ; ; ;#(even though i know i would have been miserable if i'd forced myself to keep working on it through till now)#augh . . . . .#the agonies of unmedicated ADHD i suppose . . . . . .
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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mgsv has so many literary references to books i have essays abt it kind of makes me.
#i'm sick this is my slightly fever-induced thought stream in the rest of the tags sorry ->#all the 1984 stuff is really interesting. the position of both ocelot and kaz as the people running room 101 is really fascinating.#because it somehow manages to place huey in the position of winston while also having venom be in the position of winston.#<- would that make quiet julia? actually yes it does bc of her nature motifs.#and the whole game seems to doublethink of whats real and what isn't. though it starts to tell you what isn't real its still there.#and then with moby dick you have pequod which is just. the ship. and queegueg who is ishmaels friend. which is why its kind of perfect he i#the other pilot we see who takes kaz places. and theres other stuff with him but i don't want to get into that. i could go on for a while.#but whats interesting is that ahab seems to apply more to kaz than it does to venom. esp because his own deception results in his downfall.#whereas that isn't true with venom if youve played mg1 he just kinda keeps going with it to at least some degree.#and i guess kaz is working for foxhound but you know what i mean.#ocelot even being the perfect counterpart to starbuck who works at kaz's side but disagrees with his methods to an extreme.#he isn't of the same morals as starbuck but its just the oppositional character type.#does that mean cipher is moby dick. yes actually bc of the leg thing with kaz. oh my god.#<- funny enough i am actually getting moby dick back out of the library bc i never finished it and its been ages since i read what i did.#i remember the narration being kind of nuts.#honestly the lord of the flies stuff feels less like a reference and more like eli read that book and decided he wanted to do it irl. lol.#i can't say these books are even close to being favorites but i'm intimately familiar with both 1984 and lotf so those are. those.#and moby dick is genuinely just kind of. what in the hell did i experience. theres a lot to unpack.#and i didn't even finish the damn thing.#ok i'm done now i just needed to get that out of my system. now i'm off to read veniss underground. 👍#.txt
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Seriously need to make more friends or go outside more (both things are easier said than done) bc I am a little bit tired of relying on content creation for attention and connection :(
#idk I think I just miss how accessible attention from friends was in high school and even last year in college#but now I’m an online student and I live in the middle of nowhere so it’s a lot harder to hang out with people irl#and idk I just finished all of my schoolwork for the day and thought ‘I’m really bored and want to talk to somebody etc’#and my first thought was ‘I should work on a new fic so people will comment on it’ 😭#which! I do love comments! but also I need to talk to people outside of AO3 comments yk? lmao 😭#I sort of miss the year-ish long era of COVID lockdown bc I was constantly on calls with like ten different friend groups#maybe it’s my self isolation or maybe adulthood is just like this? idk#I’m moving in with friends next semester so I think that will be good for me#I just wanna make online friends man :( but idk how to DO that except by making fandom content#and hoping somebody likes it enough to slowly incorporate me into their life LMAO#I wish calls/voice memos were the norm in online spaces I’m so much better at those#anyway this is very pathetic to post but whatever. I’m trying to get used to being vulnerable on this blog#not that I owe it to people online to be vulnerable. if anything I should NOT be vulnerable on the internet#it’s just that. I am not very vulnerable period. so it’s better for me to air it out into the online void than to bottle it up forever#ellyposting#vent#ish? just to be safe
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