#also my dog died a while ago and i think im only now starting to grieve

[4unnyr0se]

hiiii cuties!!! might not upload for a few more days bc im going thru something right now but i will upload soon i promise!!! take care of urselves i love u all

[h0neybane]

evelyn's to-do list!

HIIII im writing my to-do list for real!!! this will consist of all my oc/au/series/story/etc ideas and will constantly be updated as i start finishing things up and coming up with new ideas! FEEL FREE TO DISCUSS ANY OF THESE W/ ME I'D BE HAPPY TO TALK ABT THEM cw for: death, alcohol, addiction, rabies

Stories/Series Concepts:

╰┈➤ NRC School Myths: A series of stories about school myths at Night Raven College, their origins, and truths, told in second-person point of view where you are Yuu. A mystery/drama/horror series, a bit similar to Jibaku Shounen Hanako Kun. ⊹₊ ⋆╰┈┈➤ 1. The Ghosts of the Woods: In 1953, two best friends of the Ramshackle Dorm, one human and one dog beastman, have a falling out in the midst of november of their second year. The dog beastman contracted rabies from a bat while on a walk, his behavior escalating in aggression in the coming days. In their most explosive argument in the woods behind NRC, the dog beastman bit the human. In a moment of clarity, the dog beastman cried out in remorse, and the two wept as they held their final converastion. They both died in the woods that day. With a story told through the form of tall tales and dusty photographs in the attic of Ramshackle, it's up to Yuu to find out what really happened all those years ago. ╰┈➤ Whalefall (also an AU kinda): In which whales have magic imbued in them, and the eradication of them on earth through whaling begins to cause environmental catastrophy. When Yuuki, a young girl who was adopted into a family living in a coastal town, gets suddenly transported to Twisted Wonderland, she begins to learn that she's not as normal as she thinks— and not as human either. With the help of the Octotrio and some other mer at NRC, Yuuki finds out exactly what she is, and exactly why her home-world is doomed. A mystery/drama series. ╰┈➤ Bent on Bitterness: In which an NRC professor and the RSA librarian find companionship in each other through a shared love (read: addiction) of alcohol, first finding each other in a dingy bar in the port town of Sage Island. A bittersweet (unrequited?) romance series.

OCs:

╰┈➤ Salmon/Tuna Mermaids: Inspired by that one drawing: a salmon mermaid and a tuna mermaid who fall in love with each other, just to be ripped apart by the salmon mermaid's nature.

╰┈➤ Parapuzosia Seppenradensis Merman: A merman of an ancient, now extinct species of Nautilus. Cursed all the way back in the age of gods, he wakes up in modern-day Twisted Wonderland, having to face the fact that he is the last left of not only his family, but his entire species.

╰┈➤ Eastern Red Bat Beastman: i just wanted to make another cute dessert oc LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

╰┈➤ Mosquito Vampire Fairy: A diurnal fairy (the small kind) that "works" (read: messes around) inside the botanical gardens at NRC. Mischevious and sarcastic, she's Aprilla Belrose's rival and eventual love interest.

AUs:

╰┈➤ TWST Kuutei Dragons AU (with Evleo!!): Based on the manga 'Kuutei Dragons' or 'Drifting Dragons,' a crew of drakers (dragon hunters) take to the skies in their air ship, explore the world, and make some delicious food. At the center of this story is the Night Raven Draking ship, captained by run-away prince Leona Kingscholar and sponsored and named after Night Raven University. Evelyn, newly-graduated from NRU and a dragon biologist, joins the crew of the Night Raven Draking Ship after Crowley, headmaster of NCU, finally gets off his ass for once and does something productive, reccomending her to Leona. This AU will be open to other peoples OCs!! It will also include every single TWST character possible!

thats all for now!! going to update this whenever i need to

@taruruchi @honeyedpearcrushh @teighveepao @boopshoops @scint1llat3

@h2llish @viperbunnies @buttholesparkles @oya-oya-okay @cheerleaderman

@qsoap @angelwishess @gimmeurmoneyagh

[phantombandit-films]

Ranking the Alien and Predator movies as I watch them for the first time.

Okay, before I start I just want to explain again that for years I've tried to get into the Alien movies, I've seen the first bit of Alien a few times when I've tried to watch them and I have seen all of Aliens but don't really remember it. I also watched Alien vs Predator a while ago and absolutely loved it. I'm also pretty sure I've seen the first bit of Predator maybe two times but never finished it, I've also seen Prey when It came out and really enjoyed that. So with the new Alien film coming out, and it looks SO GOOD! I thought I would actually sit down and properly watch the movies, and of course the Predator movies too. So enjoy!

Alien (1979) - The OG! Im sure if I saw this when it first came out it would have been an experience, unfortunately I wasn't alive then so, but I can very much appreciate the impact it had on audiences. A very good introduction to Ripley, and it was so nice to see John Hurt!! (Merlin OG here) Also Jonesy, I love you.

Aliens (1986) - Fav! I don't even have to finish the others, this is my favorite one. HICKS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. It was just incredible and I can't even tell you why, wait yes I can! HICKS FLIRTING WITH RIPLEY. Justice for this little family! we should of had Ripley, Newt and Hicks as a little family unit going around a killing Aliens. We were ROBBED. Also the start of Bill Paxton cameos.

Predator (1987) - Amazing, very suspenseful and just a very good introduction to the Yautja. I also think the scenery and them being in a jungle was a very good choice, especially with the whole camouflage. Got very attached to Billy though which was a mistake, I mean I knew he was going to die but still was very upset when he actually died.

Predator 2 (1990) - Okay, let's get the good things out of the way first, Bill Paxton cameo part 2, he was so good! I wonder how he felt knowing he was one of only two actors to be killed by a Xenomorph, a Yautja and Terminator. Other than that this was terrible, I found it so hard to finish, I don;t know why but the atmosphere that was in the first one just wasn't here.

Alien 3 (1992) - What the actual hell was this?? First Killing Hicks and Newt, like??? HOW DARE YOU. But this movie just wasn't it. I will now refuse to acknowledge this movie exists. I was however surprised and felt quite sad about finding out about Ripley gaining an Alien in her chest during hypersleep and then killing herself so that the company couldn't have it.

Alien: Resurrection: (1997) - Just going to say this now, I don't know how I feel about the whole thing of Ripley being cloned, I felt it really took away from her sacrifice in Alien 3, But on the other hand Creepy Clone Ripley did grow on me. WINONA RYDER?! I love Call so much, I did not see that coming! I was so upset when she got shot. Also! (Robin Hood Prince of Thieves here!) Hi Michael Wincott! nice to see you again. Not going to lie, however I feel about the Cloning I did really enjoy this one, and was please to see it brought back some hope for me after Alien 3. Also the new Alien that came out of the queen, giving everyone puppy dog eyes and then just attacking them pahahha! Amazing.

Alien vs Predator (2004) - Now this is the movie that I remember seeing and loving and rewatching it just proved that I still loved it, The whole hidden pyramid was so interesting, and I'm really glad they did it like that. Not really much to say, I just really like this one.

AVPR: Alien vs Predator - Requiem: (2007) - I honestly don't remember most of this, not going to lie. Safe to say I didn't like it.

Predators: (2010) - Started to watch this but turned it off, I think i'm just going to stick with Predator, Alien vs Predator and prey.

Prometheus: (2012) - I did like this one! it was very different from the other Alien movies, wouldn't say it was one of my favs though.

Alien: Covenant: (2017) - This one unfortunately is going to the bottom of the list, did not like it at all.

Alien: Romulus: (2024) - ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS FILM. I really need to rewatch it but my god it was good! it very much felt like aliens did and i love that!

All in all I think the ones I will rewatch many times are Aliens, Alien; resurrection (I'll overlook the Ripley clone thing) and Alien; Romulus. Most definitely Aliens because Hicks I love you and I haven't stopped thinking about you! Also Joansey was the best character.

[konnoiseur]

you want rarepairs/crackships? i'll name you some of mine, so enjoy my long ramble:

-ironhill (Ironwood x Robyn) - HEAR ME OUT! i know Ironwood is disliked in rwby fandom while Robyn is, i'll safely say, unpopular in rwde community, BUT there's a certain charm of shipping disliked character with a liked character, especially when the views of the characters differ in different fandoms. Romeo & Juliet who?/j

But joking aside, i started shipping them when Robyn was like "i thought you were a jerk & didn't care about others, but i was wrong.". Call me basic but i like when two characters find a middle ground/realize they're not what they thought the other one was.

In all honestly their relationship was such a wasted potential and yes i am also saying it because i ship them, but with the theme of trust going around it would have been cool to have Ironwood & Robyn team up and become allies - with Ironwood representing Atlas & Robyn representing Mantle. Not to mention, BOTH care about their Atlas & Mantle and want the best for it's people. Just two leaders who didnt see eye to eye, only to realize both have the same goals in mind and are not each others enemy (it's Jacques)

Right now i can't name other reasons why you should like my ironhill propaganda, but consider this - they both hate jacques so that should be a sign they're soulmates/j & they both having shooting type weapons.

But even if you don't ship it, you have to admit their relationship was a wasted potential :/

-invisible poison(?) (Tyrian x Fiona) - HEAR ME OUT...it is mostly centered around them being Faunus, BUT the thing is Fiona is a sheep Faunus and Tyrian is a scorpion Faunus. Sheeps in general are seen in a positive light, while scorpions are seen in a negative light.

It's hard to put in words, but it would be interesting to explore how these two, while being Faunus had different experiences with how others treated them due to what type of Faunus they are. (Not to say Fiona never got discriminated against for being a Faunus in general).

Both are also very loyal to their leaders (Salem & Robyn), so yeah parallels...sort of. And my mind then came up with a scene where they fight and Fiona questions Tyrian on how he could be loyal to someone like Salem and he answer with that Salem is the only one who accepts him fully, never treating him badly due to him being a Faunus, UNLIKE certain other leader who called a dog Faunus "Waggs" & just makes Fiona question her role in HH and if she would have been treated differently by them if she had been a "dangerous" type of Faunus (but let's be honest he would mostly say this to mess with her)

There's the whole aesthetic/tropes with them too - short x tall, good x evil, kind x terrible etc. And I once decided to search them on google in case I find something, and while it wasn't a fanart, I did found a drawing of them together, so that's something.

-firewall/electric fire (?) (Watts x Cinder) - they hate each other and that whole balcony scene of Watts calling out Cinder's bullshit. Also unlike Ironwatts & Ironwood x Jacques, instead of them having divorced & sick of each other exes vibe, they rather have two people who refuse to get a divorce because they're petty af and want to see the other sufer. Next question

-target practice/pvp (?) (Penny x Pyrrha) - i might not ship it as i used to, but i think it started when i thought about how Pyrrha died thinking Penny is dead (which she was and will be), while Penny got brought back, not knowing Pyrrha is dead (does she know it is unknown but for the sake of angst im chosing this option) and then my mind thought of PvP Childhood AU, where Penny got the chance to travel around the world years ago and befriended Pyrrha with them keeping in touch over the years and getting to see each again other at the Vytal festival.

And yes that does make their fight a lot more devastating because now Pyrrha dies feeling the guilt of killing her best friend and Penny comes back only to learn her best friend is gone and died not knowing she's alive (if we assume bringing Penny took a lot of time).

Aside from the angst, I think they could have had a cute dynamic :)

-envy zinnia (Emerald x Ren) - it's the "because she's scared just like us" for me (dont remember if he said that because he used his semblance). It's the way Emerald reacted to his words and denied them. It's the way Ren looked at Emerald while others were arguing about her joining the team (i think it was Yang who mostly against it).

It's the idea of Emerald assuming Ren can read her well because of his semblance and trusts her based on that, only to learn he had never used his semblance and trusts her, because he wants to and sees good in her for me.

It's the idea of Ren feeling complicated about his feelings about Nora, because he feels like he should fall in love with her given she's his best friend and had always been by his side, only to fall in love with his former enemy. (nooo, i did not drop the summary of my wip here, nooo)

There isn't much with this ship, for me this mostly being "hey this is a neat one" only to then imagine Emerald getting flustered over Ren holding her hand or looking at her with a soft gaze in his eyes.

OKAY YOU SENT ME A LOT (WHICH I LOVE THANK YOU SO SO MUCH) so im gonna put my responses under a readmore bc i do actually wanna put thought into each of these

okayyyyy lets start with IRONHILL: well i think ironwood is a whole gay man but thats just MY hc so like. of the female characters u can ship him with its not the WORST option? like i 100% totally get what u mean that sometimes theres so much wasted potential or a better story hidden behind a dynamic that you either dont get to see on screen or doesnt get nearly enough to work with that u kinda end up shipping them just bc u want more of them. im not sure i see any romantic or sexual chemistry between them personally so i feel like i would "ship" them as like Business Partners. like

robyn: would you like... to form an alliance with me

james: ... yes, yes i would

robyn: EXCELLENT >:333

NOW TYRION/FIONA. This Interests Me. like i love corruption type romances, where the innocent or happy or naive one gets a dark or bad boy or straight up evil lover. some real hades/persephone type shit. ive said before that i love angel/demon imagery and u cant get more heavenly than a lamb. also i do agree that i think their parallels of their roles are very interesting and i also dont like robyn so anything that gets fiona away from her is good with me! i feel like i would really love like almost a roleswap of them? like a fiona slated to be a maiden candidate for salem, on the bad guys side, and a tyrion that was still fucked up but he is like on ironwoods payroll as a ace-op special assassin or something, like i feel like that would be really fun LOL or like a tryion that was just SLIGHTLY less insane and not on salems side but like is still a bad guy and he gets wounded and fiona finds him dying in the woods or something and brings him back to her little cottage and fixes him up and they bond as he recovers like THATS TASTY

cinder/watts im not a fan of. i do get what u mean about them having toxic divorced exes energy but i feel like watts/ironwood does that in a way sexier and fun way and i dont want to subject cinder to that sort of vibe tbh (i have another cinder-centric rarepair thats genuinely my cinder otp so theres also that)

TARGET PRACTICE IS A FUCKED UP NAME FOR PYRRHA/PENNY SKCBSODBSPEHEJ but pvp is deffo something i get... in a completely au context. like nothing about their canon vibes click for me? but with ur whole childhood friends thing i get it; i think like if somebody told me to outline a pvp fic, i would like. okay pyrrha is brought to beacon on a special recommendation and before she even starts the school, shes brought in and told about the maidens and magic and penny and the proposal to make her the next autumn and penny the next winter and ironwood and ozpin ask if shes willing and if she is, will she work with penny? and the two of them are assigned as partners (meaning jaune gets a new partner which according to canon would be WEISS so hello thats fun) and they bond and struggle with making friends and being 'normal' with these pressures and its quite bittersweet and emo and cute i like it

NOW YOU HAVE TOTALLY SOLD ME ON EMERALD/REN. i love putting ren with literally any other character and i feel like emerald has such a simple but good character that she can fit with a lot of people and tbh u really have sold me on them. i really like the imagery of like ren and emerald both having this barrier for whatever reason that prevents them from being open and honest with their feelings but using their semblances as different private u iqie communication that just WORKS for them they are both autistic and hot and i think they should kiss also their shades of green being complimentary and ren and her just having this really fun dynamic of them both being really snarky and sassy but quiet and observant and they just VIBE im highkey lowkey obsessed with the idea... ren and nora are side characters in my fic but they are on a team with merc and emerald (trust the process) and the plan is currently actually emerald/neon but... somethings may have to be rearranged bc im actually really REALLY into the idea of ren and emerald... SHIT YOU ACTUALLY DID IT YOU ACTUALLY SOLD ME ON REMERALD.....

[sleepwithnightlights]

I am a bit scared

I use a nightlight to sleep I am 23 and am scared of the dark. I am scared that something is there, something will jump at me. That when i open my eyes they will meet someone elses, that things move at the corner of my eye. I already sucked at falling asleep but that made it even worse. Plus i think i started to grind my teeth a while ago, if i had to guess at the same time the shadows started to actually be scary. I used to be fine with the dark and when i imagined something being there, coming at me i would smile in understanding of the creature, sympathy. I wasnt scared of them and it was a proving that i was toughened up that they werent worse than what i knew. So it might be good that they are scary now, perhaps it means i allow myself to be vulnerable. Stress and worse time falling asleep would disagree tho. I feel silly writing this while knowing i might share it. I know not many will see it and at worst an ai bot scrapped it and thinks humans use the word scary and scared a lot more than they should. I also dont write. I used to when i wanted to be an author, they were horse stories and truly wonderful. Later in school i still loved to write, some of it was the silliness i deserved, and some was concerning and should have tipped off my teachers. I guess i gotta say: "I dont write anymore." Which will soon be a lie if i ever make it past 1 or 2 posts. I also dont speak english as my first language and i dont get better at grammar the later it gets, which is when i will write most of these texts. Late at night when im dreading to exist but death is too extreme because of my mom and because of my dog and because of my cat and because of my friends and im scared of pain and i am not at risk, i am in therapy and would certainly not go on a blog to seek my last contact and all i want is to be nothingness but not dead but every thought is poison and i want it to finally shut up up there. So i'll write instead and finally remember what i was thinking duing this time and make it easier for my therapist.

I dont think i used a single comma so far. Oops. I also think that i am being cringe. I will sound edgy no matter how i word it and that no thought will be unique, that what i write is eye-rollable. Teenager stuff. I guess its teenager stuff, its kids stuff, the me teenager and the me kid is just as angry and sad and terrified as the now me. I guess i deserve to be those things and sound cringey and edgy i've got important stuff to share, like being a sad and terrified and angry kid. So back off hater and ai that will not use a single comma now thanks to me. You are welcome guys, i saved us from the impending plagiarization of everything everyone is writing anywhere. Yippie.

I dont allow myself to have a break from doing something during the day.i need to do something so i dont start thinking. Thats stuff bed-me has to deal with and she has gotten quite adapt at trying their best to work with the mess day-me has to deal with. • Fantasy stories. • Funny or exciting scenarios. • Revenge scenarios. • Fake arguments. • Something tragic has happened and only i can help (f.e. a train has been taken hostage and i can save everybody). • Someone i love dearly has died (not actually) and i am now left to deal with grief i cannot even imagine how bad it will be once they truly die. • Someone i love died (actually) and i am left to be furious with the hands they were dealt and they were not able to live their life as they deserved it. • Less now but i used to love creating little love interests and creating whole stories on how we met and fell in love.

There is more but writing does make me tired. Also a lot of these dont actually seem good or helpful and you would be correct but awful scenarios bring a sense of control since i know how to deal with surviving and adapting to anything.

I think i had strategies like these since ever. They used to be mostly diving into the fantasyland of whatever book i was reading, creating my own character, having my own powers, replaying what fun they had. I used to look forward to that part of falling asleep since it was so fun. I dont know if there is something not "normal" about that, something any kid wouldnt do aswell. Im starting to get frustrated that i cant put my thoughts down into writing like i want it to, so ill go try and sleep again. Thank you for reading, hope you got your nigthlight on or video or

[inhonoredglory]

another character based question - how do you feel about mikasa? a lot of fans dont like her, im curious about how you feel! - armin anon

Hellooooo Armin Anon. OMG it’s been forever since I had the time to sit down and do a proper meta, and I apologize.

First off, I finished the manga!!! (So, spoilers ahead for anyone else reading this.) I had to lie down after reading 139. It’s a tremendous story and I’m still taking it all in. The set pieces and personal/emotional stakes of everything that happens is just astounding. If it’s one thing Isayama does good, it’s the gut-wrenching personal anguish that underlies the action. I’m absolutely floored. My favorite bit was probably the timey-wimey stuff in Paths and Eren. That blew my freaking mind. But onto Mikasa!!

A Cruel Yet Beautiful World

I remember way back when I started the anime that I started liking Mikasa first out of the group. I liked how sullenly silent and no-nonsense she was, and I liked her loyalty to Eren. Her emotion, especially when Eren died in Trost, was palpable and terrifyingly beautiful. Her grief was incredibly realistic––rushing off with a death wish that even she couldn’t succumb to in the end, because of the drive to fight that she got from Eren. In a world like SNK, her relentlessness breaking through her grief was incredibly moving. And her philosophy is basically the driving theme of SNK: “This is a cruel world, and yet so beautiful.”

This is the same moral message she gives Eren when he can’t find the strength in him to fight Annie––and gives him that warm, understanding, inscrutable smile that allows him to finally accept his own monsters, fight Annie, and save her and Armin. (One of my favorite panels of her from the manga, actually.) Mikasa is basically the first character we meet who embodies this contradictory morality, which grows to engulf SNK and other characters as well (Levi, Reiner, and Armin especially come to mind). Which could be why I was drawn to her at the start, since the complex moral outlook of SNK was the primary reason I fell hard for this story.

(And gosh, it’s tragic to realize that it’s teaching moments like the scene above that made Eren into the person who could influence his own child self to murder, the person who could wipe out so much of humanity, the person who could take Ymir’s challenge to free her by destroying the love of the person who cared the most about him. I’m still processing yo.)

Acker-parallels

I started really analyzing Mikasa when I had to defend her from a friend of mine who accused her of resenting Levi (for beating up Eren) and that’s why she attacked him so violently in the RTS serumbowl. Because of my research into rebutting that, a lot of my affection for Mikasa now comes in seeing the little ways in which she cares and trusts other people, including Armin, Levi, Gabi, and Jean. And her quiet sensibility that goes beyond her love and protectiveness of Eren.

With Levi in particular, I find a lot I like about her. Because you can definitely see her annoyance at him, but she also trusts him more than anyone else in the Corps outside of Armin. After Levi’s violent encounter with Historia, she was the only one who implicitly trusted Levi’s judgement, backing up Armin’s more reasoned logic. She sees beyond her own emotions and even moral feelings and realizes the world is cruel enough that sometimes people have to do dark things to help others and survive.

This is very much the same statement Levi made to the 104th when he had asked them to follow Erwin’s orders when the commander’s plans were questionable on the surface: “Do you trust him? Those dumb enough to say yes… come with me.” These two understand each other on a moral level, and they ask for their comrades’ loyalty without demanding it, because they each know that everyone’s conscience is their own.

There’s a clear parallel between Mikasa and Levi, not only because of their Ackerman heritage and sensibilities (loyal to a fault to their chosen person, impossibly strong, quiet and grim), but their frustration when they cannot protect the people they are responsible for. They both know they are the strongest around, and if they cannot fulfill on that power, a lot of people will die.

There are many moments in which Mikasa puts aside her personal feelings to do her soldierly duty, from leaving Eren to help with the evacuation of Trost to leaving Eren and Armin to fight the Colossal Titan alone in Shigonshina.

And then there’s the fact that Levi’s the one who could break past Mikasa’s headspace and distraction so that she can do the right thing. He understands her strong emotion, he respects it, but he also knows when that has to be put aside for the greater good. But he doesn’t put her down for having those emotions, either.

Strength from Eren, Humanity from Armin

Mikasa’s love and loyalty to Eren challenges her tremendously after the timeskip and her sorrow at Eren’s change is what really stands out to me about her character in the Marley arc. The absolute grief in her eyes when she tells Eren what he’s done is devastating, and it shows just how much goodness and compassion she does have.

And yet she longs to understand Eren, to trust him, to believe there can be something redeeming, and not merely jaded and tired, in what he taught her so many years ago––to fight, to win, to live.

There’s such a difference between these same words said here by Mikasa, so many years later, after so much heartbreak, to the anger and flame that were in them when she first heard them, back when she realized that this was the way of the world. That death and killing happens in the natural world everyday and that’s how you survive. That the world is both cruel and beautiful.

And yet as the years wore on, as Mikasa grew closer to others, found purpose in protecting others, sought a life with Eren… as she wandered further into the forest of life and society and relationships, she lost some of that simple injunction... to live is to fight, to fight is to win. She, like so many of the 104th and the others on this journey, found that it’s not enough to just fight and live and be satisfied. We really want it all to mean something, to have our actions be redemptive. To allow ourselves to believe that we do what we’re doing because we’re not just saving ourselves, but saving others, “saving the world” like Yelena points out (in the forest therapy session pfff). And it’s that drive for something bigger in our actions that grieves her so much with Eren, because as she wants her own actions to be fundamentally good and selfless, she wants his actions to be moral as well.

So while Eren is the person that frustrates Mikasa and motivates her to become stronger and braver than she ever was, Armin is the person who humanizes Mikasa and allows her the space to be gentle and vulnerable. She comforts Armin, confides in him, puts her faith in him, and puts her life in his hands.

She trusts Armin with Eren, and she values Armin’s intellect and compassion, qualities she doesn’t have in nearly as much quantities as he does: “There are only so many lives I can value. And… I decided who those people were six years ago. So... you shouldn’t try to ask for my pity. Because right now, I don’t have time to spare or room in my heart.”

This bit from her confrontation with Ymir and Historia was a defining moment for me with Mikasa. It’s honest and realistic in a way that few of us care to admit about ourselves, and it’s just super chilling and badass coming from her, too. It also shows how much she fights for Armin and Eren both. They are the two people she loves the most in the world, and she never gave up on saving either of them––from death or from themselves.

I’m looking back on Trost now and finding so much irony with the ending to SNK. In Trost, she was the one to give up on Eren, telling Armin that it was hopeless to try to extract Eren’s personality from his Titan form. And yet, like in the end, it’s always been between Armin and Mikasa to try to salvage Eren’s humanity. In Trost, Armin tells Mikasa to leave––to go do what she’s good at (saving lives)––and to entrust Eren to him.

It’s a huge expression of both Mikasa’s trust in Armin, and her belief in Armin’s abilities and friendship for Eren. And in the end, it’s the two of them again debating on if there’s any humanity left in Eren. The bond they share is intimate and deep. With all the military doubting Eren and scheming to take away his Titan (with even Jean and Connie unavailable to them emotionally), it’s only Armin and Mikasa against the world––the only two people who can truly consider Eren’s actions and hold off on judging him. And you can feel their love for him even as they doubt him.

And like back then, it has always been Armin who understands Eren most, the one who recognizes his own evil and Eren’s and finds a redemption in having others stop you, because you cannot stop yourself.

And that’s the thing I really take away from SNK and from Mikasa’s journey, that we all have devils inside us, and yet there is still beauty to be found, within us and in the world––from the natural wonders that Armin dreams of, to the comfort of purpose and companionship that Mikasa has in Eren. Love and wonder is what redeems us of our devils. And yet love itself is complicated, and can turn ugly in its obsession. That giving up that love is what makes the love selfless and beautiful, what absolves us of the selfishness within us. That’s what Mikasa learned. And in the end, she was able to release that love for the good of the world.

So I guess to sum up, I really love Mikasa. I can see why her dogged loyalty to Eren might annoy some fans, but I think there’s a lot more to her than simply that, and in fact, her journey and growth is heart-rending and one of the most symbolic arcs of SNK and fundamental to its entire theme. She’s a badass with a lot of emotion and depth behind her cold mask.

[fanficwritinggirl]

Thunder (Fred Weasley x reader)

You could say that thunderstorms scared you. I mean the loud bangs of the thunder and the heavy pour of the rain really caused you to panic. It just made you feel trapped. That there was nowhere you could go to get away from it that you were stuck. It sucked to say the least and it made you feel quite childish in all honesty. I mean you were 18 years old for god sakes. You should grow up and get over it right. But this was easier said than done.

It had been dull all day and you knew that it was at least going to rain. But you didn't realise that it was going to be a thunderstorm. And even though you were in the safety of the Weasley home you still were unsettled. The only thing about the Weasley home was that you didn't really get much privacy. There was always someone there and sometimes when you were in a state of panic you just wanted to be on your own. You just wanted to be able to curl up into a ball and forget that it is happening. This is purely due to the fact that you are ashamed of the fact that you are scared of thunder and don't want anyone to know this fact.

You had tried your best to stay downstairs with everyone as the storm grew outside. Everyone was just normal. They were fazed by the heavy rain outside and it made you feel stupid to be honest. The fact that everyone else was fine and you weren't. So that was when you decided that you were going to go to bed. It was a good reason for you to be left alone for the rest of the night. It also meant that you could crawl under the covers and hide from the storm.

So after saying goodnight to everyone and going to bed you try to go to sleep. Lying there for hours just trying to get some sort of sleep even if it was for a few minutes but the adrenaline in your body was not helping you. Everytime a crack of thunder came your heart beated faster and faster and you could feel tears at the brink of your eyes but they never fell. You turned over and looked towards Ginny and Hermione who were both fast asleep, something that you envied.You were sick of lying in bed so you decided that you should go downstairs and get something to drink to lower your nerves.

You sneak down stairs being as quiet as possible trying not to wake anyone up. If anyone saw you in the state that you were now you would never be able to live it down. You get into the kitchen and put some water in the kettle and warm up some water for the tea and you stand waiting for it to boil you look outside. You look at the rain and see that it is coming down very heavily. It makes your heart race again so you try to keep your head down and look at the kettle. When the water is finished boiling you put it into a mug that has a teabag in it and let it steep for a minute while you grab some milk from the fridge. After making your cup of tea you sit down at the table and drink it trying to engross yourself in it so that you can try to ignore the storm.

Though when a huge crack of lightning comes down and you can see the white from the window of where it came down you freaked. You felt unsafe again so without even really thinking you get under the table and curl into a ball rocking back and forth with heavy breathing trying to calm yourself down not being able to.

When Fred walked down to the kitchen in the middle of the night after hearing someone up he didn't really expect the scene that he saw when he walked in. The first thing he saw was the cup of tea on the table and the chair pulled back but when he lowered himself ever so slightly so that he could look to see who was under the table he was shocked to see you in the state that you were in. It broke his heart. "Y/N" he whispers as he circles the table so that he is closer to you and gets down on the floor next to you. He shuffles a bit so that he is right next to you. He could see that you were too frightened to even acknowledge that he was there. You just started on forward with your eyes wide in a trance. He didn't know what to do. Yes he had dealt with frightened people before. I mean he had younger siblings who used to get nightmares all the time but this wasn't just someone who was scared. This was someone who was petrified. "Hey Y/N. Hey, it's ok with me. You're ok. Im here" he says trying to get you to come out of the trance. Give you some comfort.

You could hear him talking to you. Feel him. But you were frozen with fear it was like you couldn't pull out of it. "Hey, I'm here. Im here" he kept saying over and over again and then you feel him wrap his arms around you and pull you to his chest. It was then that you could feel yourself calming down. "Listen to my heart Y/N. Listen to my heart" he says. You felt safe. The sound of his heart beating normally in rhythm calmed you down. Something you hated was when your heart started beating faster than normal making your breathing increase and you panicked thinking you could get it under control. It scared you. But the fact that Fred could keep you from thinking about your breathing and just his heart so that you would just naturally start breathing normally was comforting.

You didn't know how long you sat there for but it didn't feel that long to you if anything you just wanted it to last forever. But Fred pulls back and looks at you. He puts your hair out of your face and takes a good look at you. "How do you feel now?" he asks you. You nod your head at him. "Better" you tell him. He nods his head and you are happy with the answer. You stare at each other for a second before he speaks again.

"How long have you been scared of storms?" he asks you quietly. You knew that you were going to be asked for it. I mean of course you were. Like you couldn't just expect him to calm you down and then just not expect questions. But the thing was other times people asked you about this and this was less than a handful of times. You felt uncomfortable and just brushed it off but you felt comfortable feelling Fred.

"Umm... since I was 7 years old. Ummm... me and my family used to live in the country near some corn fields and something that I used to love to do when I was younger was to go play in them. It was pretty fun when playing hide and seek with your friends. One day it was nice and warm. Sunny. And I decided that I was going to play in the fields like I did all of the time. I must have been running around in them for an hour or so when within the course of about 15 minutes the sky went from sunny to just pure black and heavy rain was coming down. I remember trying to jump up and see where I was but it was just so dark and the rain was just coming down so hard I could see anything. I just keep trying to get home. Or to find shelter to stop the water coming down on my body. And then the thunder started and it just kept getting louder and louder. I could hear it getting closer and closer and I could go anywhere. I was in the middle of nowhere drenched. I was so cold. So cold. I was in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that didn't have sleeves and I was just so cold. I remember I was walking when all of a sudden thunder came down super close to me. Everything around me just went white and I thought that I had died. After a few seconds everything came back into view and I freaked. I ran in a random direction just hoping that it would be the right way and then I slipped and fell. I was covered in mud and I just had no energy. So I lay there until the morning. I remember waking up to the sound of dogs and voices calling my names. A dog camping running towards me and then sitting and barking its head off. The next thing I know I was in the hospital after having really bad hyperthermia and I had to stay for a few days due to me having a really bad cold. They said that I wouldn't have lasted much longer if I had stayed out any longer than I was ''I recount with tears going down my face.

Fred just pulls me closer and kisses my head. "Im sorry Y/N. I had no idea. Why didn't you say anything? '' he asked me. I shake my head. "Because I was ashamed that people would judge me. I mean it was 11 years ago. I should be over it by now. But everytime i hear the thunder and the rain I just can't forget that night. '' I cry and he sighs. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is ok to be scared of storms. But you most of all. Don't be ashamed of it. We all have our fears" he explains and I smile. This was why he was my favorite. I pull back and smile at him. "Thanks Fred". He nods his head at me. "No problem".

We sit for a few more minutes before he gets up. "Come on, let's get you back to bed," he says. I nod and stand up taking his hand as a help. When I stand up another crack of lightning comes down and I grab onto Freds waist and cling onto him for dear life. He wraps his arms around him and puts his chin on my head. "Why don't we sleep on the couch tonight. That way I can stay with you" he asks. I nod my head quickly. I didn't want him to leave me. When I was in his arms I felt safe.

We move towards the sitting room and Fred sits down on the couch and lies down. He pulls me towards him and I lie on top of him. He wraps his arms around me as I put my head in the crook of his neck. I smile as I finally feel sleep overcome me.

The next morning we both wake up to the smell of food in the air. I move my head a little bit and feel that I am still on top of Fred. I smile. "Well this is not what i thought i was going to see this morning. Finally found where you went to Freddie" George says smuggly. I groan. Great, now I am going to have to deal with teasing. "George why don't you shut up and go and help mum with breakfast yeah" Fred says as he slowly wakes up. George chuckles and nods his head. "Ok loverboy i will do that" he says before walking out. I sit up and get off of Fred. I look down at him and he is rubbing his eyes trying to wake up. "Umm... thanks for last night" I thank him awkwardly as I'm looking at the floor. He nods and gets up. "No problem" he says. I nod before starting to walk towards the stairs.

"Hey Y/N" he calls. I turn and look at him. He walks up to me and presses his lips to mine in a short but sweet kiss. I pull back and breathe out in shock but I have a huge grin on my face. "Umm..." I said quietly. "I'll see you at breakfast, yeah" I asked him. He nods with a smirk on his face. He kisses my cheek before I turn and run up the stairs feeling shocked but happy.

Fred stands at the bottom of the stairs with a smirk on his face. "Well took you long enough" George calls and Fred groans. "Shut up Georgie".

[missblissy]

hello i saw you were accepting alastor requests so i might request a headcanon from alastor x fem! reader, where the reader is an acquaintance from his childhood, maybe their families were friends but he was never interested in meeting her and now in hell he discovers that they have a lot in common? maybe she also practices vodoo or witchcraft? If you don't want to, no problem, I hope you have a good week. 👋👋

((I would love too <3 And thank you! I hope you have a good week too friend! I had way to much fun with this one so it turned out long Like really long. it's been awhile since I've done these I got a lot of ideas in my head xD Im sorry but I'm not sorry. Hope you enjoy it!!!))

You weren't always in his view. You were just the neighbor girl next door. Sure, your mothers would make you play together during their Sunday brunch parties, but that didn't mean a whole lot then. Alastor was a strange boy you found out. He was shy, he didn't like to play with others, and honestly, he was a big cry baby, hence why you never really hung out unless forced to. And then one day, he wasn't there anymore. He grew up and moved away. Far far away into the big city or something along those lines. It didn't matter then.

But boy does it matter now. You never thought in a million years you'd end up in hell. And then again, you never thought in a trillion years that Alastor would the first real person you ran into down there. First of all, how did he end up here before you, and second... how did he recognize you in this new demonic body. You were frantic and confused and running away from a psychopathic demon that looked like some kind of horse when you quite literally ran into Alastor. He didn't budge but you were knocked back onto your feet. At first, you didn't recognize him and you were ready for your never-ending hellfire torment to begin between the dog man and this red deer. But when he laughed, and he spoke, you could hear the faint familiar voice of the boy who lived next door.

It didn't take a genius to see what was going here. Alastor was and will always be kinder to those he deemed innocent and fair. So he did you a good favor scaring off that demon, but not without scaring you as well. "Oh come on now, (Y/n)! Don't remember me?" He gave you a big smile. You knew it was him, but it was still hard to believe, "Is that really you, Alastor?" You asked him, "You're... haha... Dead too?" You found that so hard to believe for some reason. You died fairly young and so did he apparently. He laughed and nodded his head, "Oh that feels like ages ago! Went and brought myself here on my own. Honestly, I couldn't wait to get out that dumb they call the surface." Oh... Well then.

That was a very strange day, but it was the start of something you never had while alive. Alastor was the only peace you got in this strange and dangerous new world. You weren't exactly the vilest person, you weren't even sure how you ended up in hell. Lastly, you were prone to find yourself in danger too often. And it felt like all too often Alastor was never far to save you. Or maybe he just liked saving you because you were a fresh but old reminder of a simpler time.

You found yourself joining him for lunches, or stoles around the city. He'd often advise you where to go, and where to stay away from. You bonded over memories from life, and what happened when he moved away, "What did you do while I was gone?" He asked. You sat back in your chair and tried not the look at the murder crows Alastor threw his food at. "Oh, well I moved out of Louisiana eventually, I went west to California and found myself among liked-minded people." You told him. He perked up at that and asked, "Like-minded how?" That's when you laughed and shrugged, "Witches..." You chuckled then sat back, "You know I didn't believe in Hell, because pagans don't normally view death in that way. But guess we were wrong, maybe that why I'm here." You both laughed at that.

"You're mother would be very upset to know that wouldn't she?" Alastor joked with you. Your mother was a kind woman but was Catholic through and through, "It's funny too because my family puts up a very good front. Bet you or your mother didn't know we were active practices of Voodoo." You were shocked to say the least and Alastor's smug grin didn't help. You had no clue, but.... It explained a lot about how Alastor may have gotten here.

From there, the two of you found yourself spending more and more time together. Alastor loved showing you the tricks and spells he accumulated over the years. He also loved showing off the great deal of his power and strength. Being around him so often made you become a little numb to the violence that sometimes followed him around. Though rarely, when it did happen, Alastor never held back.

It was strange to think the two of you were so close now, versus when you were kids. He had changed so much in so many ways. The shy little boy who'd cry if he got a cut had grown into a man who deeply loved entertaining himself with other's pain. You wanted to know what changed him, but you knew better than to ask. Rather, you found yourself loving the time you spent with him so much that you didn't want to do anything to ruin it.

He was such a gentleman to you, however. Gentle and kind even. Alastor only seemed to want to protect you, make you laugh, and above all, keep you company. He'd always loop his arm with yours if you were ever walking anywhere. He'd hold open doors, go out of his way even buy you think, or treat you to wonderful meals. Though you noticed he never ate around you which was odd, you didn't question it. You learned quite early not to question Alastor's ways. He'd never give you a straight answer and he was good at dodging questions. It didn't really matter though, this was the rest of your existence, and honestly why question things anymore. Why follow the rules and lectures of society when you're dead. Alastor certainly didn't.

[fandomfixationstation]

Warning: mention of death of a loved one.

Todays concept is MC gets a call that like their parental figure has died one way or another and this upsets them greatly because one, they aren’t there to help with anything two, the only people there to do anything are their siblings three, they considered said parent a angel or a blessing by god (optional/bonus points if said parents name means angel-)  They don’t say anything at first though they seem rather angry and now one can figure out why. then they hide and have a mental breakdown to cry in hopefully but unlikely peace.  now I shall write the response headcanons / scenarios or whatever I will do Update: well I didn’t write a scenario / short story bit for all of them because i ran out of energy to do so and then i never went back to it, though if anyone begs or askes nicely I could in theory maybe work something out. this was something self indulgent and was something i wrote to really get me out of a bad headspace.  Lucifer

He is the first one to realize something is wrong, especially if they aren’t a very angry person. 

probably doesn’t get to ask about what is going on because he is forced to deal with something else and rather quickly

though when people start inquiring where they went after lunch, finding it unlikely that they would randomly choose to skip class or something he makes his goal to find them.

Probably doesn’t take him long to find them after he starts looking. gets it in the first three guesses of where they are hiding.

“why are you hiding here with Cerberus?” Lucifer said with a bit of amusement. he figured he would find them here with his dog. just not curled up and cuddling. 

“wouldn’t you like to know” was all they uttered out, having no real energy to argue, or fight. though it was clear they had been crying their eyes out. 

“well something is clearly upsetting you, why not talk about it. nobody else is here to listen in” Lucifer offers to lend an ear to listen to their problems. he was also hoping that by doing so he could get to the root of the problem and deal with it. expecting that he was going to have to knock one of his brothers into line again. 

“I just received some bad news. that’s all. also, I’ll be otherwise located Friday, so like, don’t worry if I’m not around on Friday, I will be back like Saturday, so there is that” They explain, clearly not wanting to get into the details of the so called bad news.  

“otherwise located?” Lucifer inquired as to what the hell they meant by that. 

“yeah, um, I will be visiting - visiting the human world for the day.” visiting might not be the word they were looking for but it was the word they went with nonetheless. 

“your visiting the human world?” Lucifer was surprised to say the least. especially considering he wasn’t hearing about this till now. 

“yeah, i was talking to Diavolo not long ago to make sure it was alright” with a sigh the were back to melting into the side of the dog. 

“normally you are excited to visit the human world, what happened” lucifer wanted to get to the root of the misery they were feeling and he wasn’t gonna sweep this under the rug.

“for fuck sakes, you really aren’t gonna leave me alone till I say it huh? my parent fucking died. are you fucking happy, lucifer? Jesus Christ.” doing everything in their power to hold back a second wave of tears as they add on “my blessing of a parent died. can we drop the topic now?” they said clearly not wanting to hear anything come out of lucifer's mouth as they hardly give him the chance to speak. 

“ah, I see, my condolences” Lucifer was trying to figure out what to say at the same time he was trying to figure out how to cheer them up or at least make them more comfortable. “do you want some Kleenex? how about some water?” lucifer inquired simply.

“water would be nice.” they let out a sigh. 

“im sure your parent was a lovely person. I think it is safe to assume that they’ll end up somewhere where they are safe and happy” Lucifer states simply as he holds a hand out to them to help them to their feet.

“I have no doubts about it. so you don’t need to tell me twice. it just. . . hurts” They says rather quietly. Accepting lucifer’s hand and pulling themself to their feet. 

”go take a seat in my office, no one will bother you in there. I’ll join you soon enough with your glass of water.”  Mammon

This man probably thinks he did something wrong, spends half the day trying to figure out what he did

if its not that he is trying to figure out who pissed them off and who he should be yelling at.

he hates to admit it but he doesn’t like seeing them angry or upset. 

is probably gonna be first to realize that they slipped of to somewhere and start trying to find them right away. 

after checking a few other areas, Mammon finally considers they might have just gone home to hide. knocking on their door and slowly opening it mammon calls out into the room “Oi, human are you in here?”. 

“Go away Mammon” they were heard but very muffled as they had encased themselves in several blankets, clearly sounding like they were crying. unless they choose to eat gravel or something. 

“what’s got you so bumbed out?” Mammon said fully entering the room now know that they were in the room and completely ignoring their request to go away. 

“I said go away, I don’t want to talk about it” They said pulling the pillow to their head in hopes to block out more of the world. so that they didn’t have to look up and face the fact they were a hot mess. so mammon didn’t have to see them like this.

“no! the great mammon isn’t leaving till you say what's bothering you! that way I can fix it for you!” Mammon declared boldly. goofy grin on his face hoping that his optimism would help cheer them up. 

“you can’t fix this. you cant bring back the dead. well unless you use necromancy, but. that's never worked out” They had let out a dry laugh for saying all of this. but now they were holding back tears trying to not cry their heart out for a second time.

“oh human...” Mammon was at a loss of words, though to be fair he didn’t get the time to form a full sentence. 

“I’ll never get them back. they were practically an angel” they sniffled, trying to not sob. “my parent died mammon. what the fuck am I going to do?” they didn’t really expect an answer from mammon. 

“Listen here, the great mammon will deal with all the technical talk, and will make sure you can go to the human world long enough for you to do what you need to. but till then and maybe after, I’ll be here for you.” mammon explained simply. 

after letting out a chocked sob they reached out a hand and grabbed onto mammon's arm. “thank you” they sobbed out. mammon just sat there and patted the blanket pile gently trying to give as much comfort as he could. 

“do you want a hug?”

“please-”

Leviathan

since he hides away and does online classes (Correct me if im wrong) he might not even realize something is going on

unless he messages them and doesn’t get a response. 

will ask if the others have seen them and like will try to figure out where they were last seen.

eventually puzzles together that something is wrong and he should look for them

Satan

He although wrathful himself, isn’t able to see through the anger and might be a little annoyed about them for being so.

though he does understand that there is probably a reason for them being upset. he’ll do his best to figure out what caused them to act this way.

he’s stubborn and straight forward, he’ll probably be direct and ask what is wrong and wont leave till he gets an answer.

or he might occasionally bring it up and keep getting updates with how their doing kind of thing.

doesn’t really have to seek for them when they hide away because he watched them slip away and got worried and followed them

Asmodeus 

he is very quick to realize something more is going on, something more than meets the eye. 

probably doesn’t directly do anything at first other than same some sugar coated words in hopes it cheers them up.

when that doesn’t work, he gets very worried and tries to convince them to do somethings to ‘take your mind off of things’ 

knows exactly where to look to find them. first try!

Beelzebub

one of two ways, he either doesn’t notice anything for the first little bit, or he has a strange feeling nagging him that something is wrong and he tries to figure out what.

once its clear that they’ve disappeared he is quick to start looking, might take a while to find them because he is gonna check everywhere to find them.

bear hugs no questions asked, will try to comfort to the best of his abilities. 

will ask them what they want to do after a while to see what he can do to make them feel better

Belphegor

tbh honest probably knows something is up right away. 

with either avoid it entirely or bluntly ask what is wrong

if he doesn’t get a direct answer or is shooed away he doesn’t have the energy to push for the truth, might be a bit annoyed.

once he hears that they have gone missing it probably wont take him long to find them. 

will sit down next to them and be like ‘now will you tell me what is wrong?’

Solomon

since he doesn’t have the same amount of time with them he may not notice at first. or he does notice ASAP because holy shit what happened why are they so mad.

might try to inquire what is wrong and like use his natural charm to try to cheer them up. 

when he hears they are lost or missing ect. he uses magic to find them as quickly as possible. 

will do a bunch of considerably silly and goofy things trying to get them to smile or laugh before trying to get them to talk about whats bothering them

Simeon 

doesn’t take him long to figure out something is wrong, just one look and he knows

but other wise, he’ll simply ask if you want to talk about it. when bluntly rejected he’ll leave them alone

they go missing during the day? maybe it was worse than he first realized, he’ll go looking for them.

will find them within the hour, maybe a half hour if he’s lucky. 

mans will try to comfort them any way he can.

_____________________________________________________________ sorry, for not doing Diavolo, luke and barbatos, i just didn’t really have the time to do them nor could i figure out how to do ones for them so like aihogdsifh sorry. but i do hope you enjoy this post nonetheless. 

[scarletwidowaf]

Ghost Of You - scarlet widow

(wanda maximoff x natasha romanoff)

summery: Thanos was gone, vision was gone, tommy and billy were gone, agetha was gone, natasha was gone and so was westview and wanda's perfect bubble. So now what?

Words: 1136

Warnings: none? Grief maybe :(

A/N: im back(!) with a story idea nobody asked for! Let me know what yall think. Also sorry for any grammar problems and stuff, its like 1 am and im sick ❤️

masterlist | story index | AO3 | Wattpad

________________________________________

It was another day of wanda doing absolutely nothing. It became a routine by now.

at the beginning after the west view fiasco wanda was hiding from the world while studying agetha's book, but now, after months of studying, she was tired.

Her tiredness wasn't the thing who sacred her, it was the realization that everything she knew was gone.

She remembered the fight against thanos clearly although it happened 5 years ago. But then they lost and she, and half of the universe population vanished. And then she was back again, and it was war again. But this time things were different.

She had to fight both thanos's army and the sinking feeling of depression and grief. For the snap survivors its been 5 years, but for her everything was still fresh in her mind, wakanda, the snap, vision's death.

After the fight ended and thanos was defeated she found out the price they paid for it.

Tony was dead, steve wasn't coming back, and natasha, her Natasha, was dead as well.

There was nothing simple about wanda and natasha, and maybe that's why wanda chose vision.

Vision was a good man, loyal, loving and caring. in a way, vision complete wanda, and she loved him.

But Natasha was special. No mattar what happened or when it did, Natasha was there to pick up the pieces.

The ex agent was her first friend in the avenger's facility, not long after she became her best friend, and later on she became the only person wanda ever loved except vision.

Not that she ever said anything about it. Wanda was wanda, and natasha was natasha, and everything about them was messy, and painful and risky.

Wanda wanted stability. She had enough risks in her professional life, as an avenger- or ex avenger/outlaw.

She wanted a house with a stable partner, maybe some kids and even a dog. And as much as natasha wanted these for them, which was desperately, a part of her couldn't find the courage to let go of her past. She was hunted and bruised and wanda couldn't help her because how can you help someone who doesn't try help themselves.

So vision died, and natasha died, and wanda was alone. Full of pain and anger and grief.

And then west view happened

Wanda got her perfect life with the beautiful house, loving and stable partner, two beautiful boys and she even got a dog for a small amount of time.

It was perfect, so of course it wasn't meant to last.

And then here she is, tired.

After months of studying agetha's book and hiding from the world, she decided to take a break from her soon-to-be-villian hideout and go somewhere else and rest.

So she took a trip to London. It was busy enough for her to hide from view and unwanted eyes, yet gave her the amount of normalcy she's been aching to have.

Saying wanda didn't look for a spell that can resurrect the dead will be a lie. But she didn't succeed, so instead, she sat in a bubble bath in a rented small flat in London with a glass of wine in one hand and a book about a prince in a foreign land in the other.

And then she saw her. It wasn't even scary, she didn't even flinch like other people would've. She just stared at the woman that was sitting on her bathroom's cabinet.

"What are you doing here natasha?" Wanda asked and put her book away. Prince arthur will have to wait.

"I came to talk" the older woman answered, her eyes fixed on wanda's face. Not daring looking any lower.

A few years ago it might have made wanda nervous.

natasha was practically a goddess in her eyes. With her beautiful ginger hair, green vibrant eyes and a sculptured body who was a result of years in her line of work.

"I have nothing to say to you"

Wanda said back calmly and took a sip from her wine.

"Im sorry"

Natasha simply said. Her hair was red again and wanda liked it.

"You're sorry?" Wanda said with a small bitter laugh. "Seriously?"

"I am" natasha answered calmly.

wanda got up from the water. Her naked body dripping water while she reached her hand for the towel.

"So you came here.. to apologize?" Wanda asked with a small chuckle while wrapping the towel around her body.

Natasha moved her gaze softly from her body to her face. Natasha looked lost and wanda couldn't stop her smile. The way she saw it, It was about time the roles will be reversed and natasha will be the one admiring the younger girl.

"I do" natasha said again. She tried to keep herself calm but her hands played with her bracelet. The one wanda gave her when they were on the run, a friendship bracelet. How foolish of them, wanda thought.

"You came here to apologize.. for dying?" Wanda asked to make sure.

"Its sounds weird when you say that like that" natasha said with a small, awkward chuckle.

"It is weird. You died. And now you're here" wanda said, her eyes staring at the older woman.

"And yet, you didn't seem surprised to see me"

Natasha said back with her famous half smile.

"Apparently weird is my new brand" wanda said and started to dress. "how are you here, nat? And why?" She asked.

"I dont know. All I remember was falling, the last thing i saw was Clint and the last thing i thought about was you." Natasha admitted with a small blush.

"You as me? You as the people who were gone in the snap?" Wanda asked while trying to close the clips in her new bra.

natasha jumped from the cabinet and stood behind her.

"May i?" She asked the younger girl.

Wanda nodded. Natasha closed the clips and sigh.

"You as you" natasha said softly.

"It felt like a dream, one moment i hit the ground and died- and i know i died. But then i was here." She continued the story.

Wanda froze, she turned around to natasha, her eyes looking into the green one she still loved.

"I think- i think i did something" she said and natasha held her gaze. Waiting for an explanation.

"I tried some things. But i didn't thought i succeeded" she continued.

"You tried to bring me back to life?" Natasha asked, a bit confused.

"Yes, and it worked" wanda bit her lip. Her hand searching for natasha's, wanting to make sure she wasn't imagining.

"I dont think it did" natasha said and her eyes held tears.

"What do you mean?"

Natasha looked down, and wanda did the same.

Wanda's hand did find Natasha's and unfortunately, it went right trough it.

[petboymart]

more! because i have lost control over my life!

this is puppy!himekawa adoption story because as much as i love puppy!bokuto and all of the other popular pet boys i want more content for the under appreciated good boys

so anyway you adopt puppy!himekawa from a breeder, they had a litter of puppies a while ago and all of them sold except for him, so he grew up there for the most part because everyone else wanted a puppy and he was already 20 (like human 20 idk when that is in puppy boy years). and you were going to get a puppy, but then you looked at him, and he looked like he had no hope of being adopted, and you went yep. that one officer. that’s the one who stole my heart. his sentence is life with me.

so you walk up to him, and you crouch down, and you scratch his curly brown hair and little ears. and he just melts into your touch, poor touch starved baby. and then you get up to go tell the breeder you want him you scratch a few puppy ears on the way, but he sees and he gets all sad because he thinks you just pet him out of pity. but then after getting everything sorted with the breeder, you come back into the adoption room with a yellow leash and collar with a cute little bow and bell on it, and he just thinks it’s so cute, and he’s so envious that not only does a puppy get to go home with you, but you even bought them a cute collar too!!! but then you walk past all of them, right back to him, bend down, and clip the collar around his neck. and once it processes he licks all over your face so exited because he has a home now!!!

so you get him in the car and the entire ride home he’s staring at you with love struck eyes and his tail is going so fast because he’s so happy that someone picked him!! him!! over all the puppies!! what are the odds!! he thinks that you must be some kind of angel!! and because he is practically rescue dog age you assume he already has a name and he kind of sits there for a minute with his eyebrows furrowed and you’re like oh my god did that bitch seriously have him for that long and not name him?!? and then he just says HIMEKAWA!!! so exited with a big grin on his face and you think oh my god he just named himself, quick praise him so he knows you like it!!! then you tell him “well himekawa i think that you have a very pretty name!” and he looks so happy and proud omg.

then you get him home and you show him around and you show him all the toys you bought for him and he thinks this is heaven. i died and this angel human took me to heaven. but really you live in like a two bedroom apartment with one bathroom.

so he immediately loves you, for obvious reasons. and he gets so so sad when you go to work, and he begs and begs you not to go, he whimpers and whines, and the second time you were about to leave he started crying. (it didn’t happen the first time because he didn’t realize that you would be gone for that long) so you go to your boss who you’re very close with and your like, i’m gonna work from home, and they’re like ok i don’t give a shit and then your like ok but i need you to help me with something. and then the next day you get up and get dressed for work and pretend like your going to leave, and obviously the whole routine starts, and just as his eyes get teary you’re like you know what? i’m tired of leaving you for work! i’m gonna call my boss right now and tell them that i’m going to work from home! and he gets so exited and he watched you pull out your phone and call your boss, and you put in on speaker and “bargain” with your boss to work from home to spend more time with you puppy who you love very much and your boss finally “relents” and your little puppy is just so amazed that you did that just for him!!

so then on he either sits in your lap or rests his head on your thigh while you tap away on your laptop, or write, or sketch, so content that you’re home all the time now.

he’s very playful, he will paw and attack all of his toys, the little bell on his collar jingles with every move. he tried to cook to help out but he somehow started three fires and melted one of the pan handles, so he just cleans. and he was so guilty, he’s such a little cry baby, so he came up to you, tears streaming down his face, begging for forgiveness, and your like i hated that pan anyway, it never cooked things right! honestly you did me a favor. you’re such a good boy himekawa! and he brightens up so quick because he did something good! he’s a good boy!

now the thing about getting intimate with him is that he wants to get intimate, but he’s scared to ask. as we can all see, he’s not very assertive and he has some confidence issues. but one day you come home from the store to him in nothing but a pair of little yellow briefs that you bought him that match the only other item he has on, his yellow collar with it’s little bell and bow, and he smiles so big at you and runs up to you, to explain that oh i was washing the dishes and got water on my clothes isn’t that funny! i put them in the washer and i haven’t gotten changed yet.

and you just smile gently at him while grabbing his hand and walking to your bedroom. you gently lay him on the bed and start kissing his chest and neck, his eyes get so wide, you can feel his cock start to get hard under you. then you pull off all your clothes and his little yellow boxers and you ask him if this is ok, and he just burst out with pleads and begs to please please fuck him pretty pretty please he’ll be such a good boy, so you stroke his little cock before putting it in to ride him. and he’s just whimpering and whining with a death grip on your hips. he starts bucking up into you because it feels so good master please go faster please please.

and eventually he gets tired of how slow you’re going so he flips you over and pounds into your pussy while whimpering and whining, and he starts crying like the little cry baby he is. once he cums he drops down between your thighs and ears his cum out of you, making sure you cum while he’s down there.

he’s very much a bratty bottom just without the bratty. like he’ll flip you over to be on top because he wants to go faster or harder but if you tell him no he will apologize and beg for forgiveness, with tears in his eyes.

he very much likes to ride your thigh while you work. it feels so good being so close to you, but he never takes his clothes off and always cums in his pants.

he also likes to eat you out while you work. he loves the taste of your pussy, he loves the praise and the head pats. every time he eats you out when you work he cums practically untouched aside from some head scratches, hair pulling, and ear rubbing.

puppy!himekawa is a very good little crybaby boy and he loves you so much.

-✌️

i 🥺

HES SO CUTEEEEEE

AHSIHSOFUSIUFFK

puppy himekawa so cute

hes so sweet and obedient Im gunna cry abt it

also don’t stop 💞 let the brainrot take over 💞

AND UNDERAPPRECIATED PETBOYS ARE A MUST IN THIS STORE

THEY NEED LOVE TOO 💞💞💞

[yeoldontknow]

The Edge of Summer

Author’s Note: happy birthday @kyungseokie​ !! this has been sitting in my wips since january when i attempted to write this for his birthday. and that...came and went like a lightning bolt so here we are. im finally tossing this into the wild! wanted this up an entire hour ago but my internet died so T~T HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LUV U! Pairing: Kyungsoo x Reader (oc; female) Universe: this is an installment to the Did You See universe however Kyungsoo does not have a full story. this will be the only story centering on him | you do not need to read the other stories to understand, enjoy, or appreciate this one Genre: friends to lovers; fluff; romance; angst; au Summary: As summer comes to a close, your friends make the annual trek to the lake house for one last hurrah. You’ve done this before - countless times, but this year Baekhyun brings his new girlfriend along with him and this, of course, means some plans have to change. You just have no idea how much will change by the end of the trip.  Rating: PG-13 Warnings: some strong language; a lot of lust; baekhyun being the worst wingman to exist; it gets pretty spicy by the end but like..only if you squint? just playing it safe yall Word Count: 13.1K

It is only when Kyungsoo’s hand falls delicately into his lap, fingers grazing your thigh with the aimless of touch of nonchalance that you decide:

If you make it out alive, you are going to kill Baekhyun.

Three hours into the road trip, and you think the conviction of this decision carries with it the bitterness of gunpowder and the relief of satisfaction, two distinct feelings entirely befitting the situation you have found yourself in. A five hour journey is long enough on its own, time blurring seamlessly around you in the close confines of a car - but, when pressed against Kyungsoo like this, against the strong muscles of his arms and thighs, feeling the heat of his warm skin radiating into yours, five hours is centuries of pining. These hours are too long for anyone to survive, the weight of yearning compressing your lungs into phantoms of their former glory, breath too quiet, and too slow, afraid of disrupting the fragile pretense of peace.

Being this close to him, this close to the embodiment of your pining, carries the same impact in your bones as a cataclysm, and so you grimace in dismay, silently aware that you might not even live to make good on your silent promise. Baekhyun will live another day and you will wither amongst the remainder of your desire, buried with yet another promise you failed to keep.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, you are happy, and this happiness comes easily. In a different life, you are comfortable, riding in Chanyeol’s car with him, his girlfriend, and Yixing, listening to the playlist Chanyeol had enthusiastically curated for the journey. You would be laughing, talking, teasing - or, perhaps, none of those things, instead luxuriating the jovial warmth that always seems to bloom in their company, the kind that overtakes you without warning, mind unfocused and hazy with thoughts of freedom.

Instead, your back presses into the middle seat of Junmyeon’s old car, knees and thighs aching with the effort of making yourself small between Kyungsoo and Yixing. Glancing to your right, you eye Yixing’s placidly neutral expression, his unfazed smile as he teases Sehun, reaching forward to ruffle his hair from behind the seat. Briefly, you envy him, his loud laugh and the way things are always uncomplicated for him - the way he always gives over out of love, even if he has the briefest moments of internal protest.

At 8AM, Baekhyun insisted he bring his new fling on this vacation. It was important, he said, his eyes pleading with you and Yixing, the puppy dog expression you'd grown used to fixed securely in his cheeks and pout. Chanyeol’s car would be the couples car, and so it was important he be there to set the mood. Yixing had eyed him amicably, biting the inside of his cheek with an endeared sense of amusement, complaining only because the plush seats of Chanyeol’s car were far more comfortable and because it would insight a brief riot in Baekhyun that served only to amuse him further. 

And he conceded almost immediately, an ever supportive wingman, winking at Baekhyun before excusing himself to gather his things. 

You, however, protested valiantly, arms crossed over your chest and heart unmoved. Baekhyun pleaded, promised french fry dates and to do your dishes for a week - even though he does not live with you, even though you actually enjoy doing your dishes, and, still, you protested, lips pursed and eyebrow cocked in disdain. 

But, standing gracefully in the doorway, the sunlight gliding over his shoulders, craving an angle against his jaw you found almost holy, far too magnificent to be human, Kyungsoo laughed. The deep honey chocolate of his tone brought gooseflesh to your skin, teeth biting down on your tongue to keep your spine from trembling; your favourite laugh, and one he so rarely gives only to you. Behind him, Chanyeol’s tall frame lingered by his car, calling for anyone to get in so he could make his departure, and you think Kyungsoo’s bemused, affectionate smile is really what you agreed to. 

Hours of his smile, even if it was put out, even if it was a barely there glimmer of fond annoyance, even if it faded almost as quickly as it came - this is what you agreed to. 

Even if it meant letting your own heart break, and mend, and shatter once more, chest tight with the burden of proximity.

‘I can feel you looking at me,’ he mumbles, just softly enough that only you can hear the dulcet nature of his voice, teasing and sharp.

Shifting beneath your gaze, his arm nudges gently into yours, soft and supple and smooth, the cotton of his white shirt reduced to little more than rough muslin in comparison. He keeps his head turned as he looks out the window, one hand in his lap while the other holds his chin in its palm, trees and grass streaking past beneath an endless expanse of blue sky. Sunlight pours through the window onto him, casting shadows along his jaw and cheeks that somehow make the curvature of his lips ever more pronounced in profile. 

Around you both, conversations live and die, the rippling cadence of Yixing’s laugh losing its edges as you continue to stare, unblinking, at the hard edge of Kyungsoo’s jaw. 

‘Is there something you want?’ At this, he directs his attention to you, your dry mouth and unwavering gaze, hand still cradling his chin as he regards you expectantly. 

His eyes move over you slowly, taking their time getting acquainted with your features in this light. You feel him where you never feel anyone - all over you, yet ephemeral and nowhere at all, this kind of touching a mystery that runs deep. In a single moment, he is both above and beneath you, walking over the map of your skin and treading just below the surface, the blood in your veins rushing to your heart in celebration. The air in the small car becomes thin, lungs tight and breath constricted. Your hands curl into fists, pressing nails into the muscle of your mount of Venus, but it is not in frustration or fear, rather, instead, the only way you know how to suppress this insurmountable adoration.

By stopping the surrender before it starts, you do not even have the choice to give in.

Perhaps, in the same life in which you are riding in Chanyeol’s car you are also bold, brave enough to give him the best words, the most beautiful words, the ones you keep perpetually beneath your tongue, waiting. How would he look in the aftermath of honesty? What smile would you be given? Would you even survive? You’re unsure, the aspects of such a reality hidden from you now, and so you swallow thickly, giving moisture to your voice to ensure you can speak, even if it is not entirely brave.

‘You’re blocking the window,’ you lie, surprised that you sound so confident, so calm, when the border between your bodies has been so ruefully challenged.

Eyes squeezing closed, they press into crescent moons as his cheeks rise up along the bones, and Kyungsoo laughs, genuinely amused by the absurdity of your statement. So unlike the booming force of Chanyeol’s laugh or the high pitched delight of Yixing’s, Kyungsoo’s low and deep giggle is a thunderclap in the center of your chest, an endless roll of electric pleasure along your nerves. The force of it has him jostling into your side, shoulders vibrating through the humor, and you feel yourself bristle, wholly unprepared. This moment of contact brings with it the absence of thought, the absence of protest, running far deeper than you imagined it could. In a single moment, your longing threatens to unmake you, wanting more of his pleasure, more of his joy, certain nothing is as sacred or magical as this.

Offering you a sardonic, yet amicable smile, he leans back into the seat, making himself as small as possible to take up the least amount of space. Tucking his arms into his sides, he moves away from the window entirely, and releases a hiss of breath through his nose. One eyebrow cocked in question, he pouts, the fullness of his bottom lip sticking out childishly.

‘Is this better?’ he asks through grit teeth, though his smile is tucked in the corner of his lips as a secret; dawn just about to break over the warm glow of his skin.

In this position, his shirt becomes constricted and stretched over his chest, shoulders, and abdomen, revealing the deep contours of his torso. The mid-morning sun casts him in gold, making a home of the pores of his skin and revealing amber flecks in the chocolate of his eyes. Immediately, your tongue becomes heavy, the taste of light filling your mouth, the taste of him and the heat of your unbridled wanting. Even with the smallness of space he has created, gaps between your bodies revealed where he has since retreated, the warmth between you both is a fire that refuses to die, and, in the aftermath of his simple question, you feel yourself flush.

‘Yes, much,’ you nod, hoping your expression is cordial and unmoved. Because it is true. You find you enjoy this view far more than the one before. ‘Now, if only you can stay like that for two more hours.’

Once more he laughs, enjoying your teasing banter as he relaxes into his previous position. All over again he relaxes into you, comfortable and content, strong muscles of his thighs vibrating into your legs as the car bounces over a bump on the highway. It frustrates you how swiftly the butterflies in your stomach wander into your heart as you watch him, stuttering in its rhythm as a stubborn reminder there is no escape, no fail safe to liberate you from this craving. If anything, the closeness you must endure over the length of this trip is only furthering your desire to shorten the ever present distance between your hearts.

‘Why did you give Baekhyun such a hard time this morning?’

His question interrupts your thoughts, words soft yet his tone carries with it a deceptive bite.

Narrowing your brow, you almost snort in surprise. ‘Because it’s ridiculous. Changing everything around at the last minute,’ you explain incredulously. ‘It’s ridiculous.’ Settling back against the hardness of the middle seat, you stare straight ahead, casting your unfocused gaze out beyond the windshield. ‘I can’t believe you’re even asking, as if you wouldn’t do the same.’

In the years you have known him, there has never been a moment where he allowed Baekhyun to get away with anything - not least without an argument or some form of protest. Moving Kyungsoo from one opinion to the next requires a fair amount of convincing and explaining, and, usually, results in his profound frustration until he gives over just to end the conversation. This morning, Kyungsoo said nothing, and his laugh, his smile, and his acquiescence is more out of place than your childish protesting.

Chuckling, he turns back to the window beside him, nodding slightly. ‘You’re not wrong,’ he muses in agreement.

Silence befalls you both, one that does not contain walls or barriers but is gratified. Kyungsoo comfortably nestles into his position, ready to maintain this pose for several more hours, and you turn to look at him, bewildered.

‘That’s it?’ He seems both completely satisfied with your answer and disinterested in continuing the conversation, and your mind races with a confusion so thick you think your hands could break it. ‘That’s all you wanted out of that?’

Tossing you a placid smile, he nods once more. ‘That’s it.’

Searching his face for answers, you translate his words over and over, breaking them down into their smallest pieces to grasp at what lies beneath. ‘Did you ask just to get a rise out of me?’

He keeps his eyes on the world outside, basking in the gold of daylight. It refuses to let him go, the sun, like always, pretending it is you. 

‘Maybe so.’

It’s after you’ve dropped your bags in your large room, the one with the bay window overlooking the lake, that Kyungsoo asks you to help him make lunch. 

You’re not entirely sure where the others have gone, and you find yourself in the open kitchen hugging yourself, looking around the mess for some way to busy your hands. Too many insulated bags and groceries line the counters, the chaos of them inciting a productive sort of stress, the kind that makes you ready to sort and fix, in your veins. Kyungsoo moves around the room with a confident ease, and for a moment you envy him; the answers already seem to live in his actions, not a single moment of question as he clears space and makes room. 

Outside, you hear the deep baritone of Chanyeol’s gleeful howl as it heads towards the lake. Baekhyun’s voice follows, higher in pitch but just as eager, and in the silence of the room you hear Kyungsoo chuckling to himself. The smallness of his smile is betrayed by the light in his eyes, his own happiness a private paradise he shares only with those who choose to look. 

And even before you had any control over it, before your mind could remind you that you value yourself and your solitude most, you had chosen him. You will always choose him. 

‘Do you want to help me cut the vegetables?’

He doesn’t look at you as he asks the question, unloading the set of knives he brought for the week with careful motions. The silver blades seem to gleam in the midday sun, and you recognize them as the ones you bought for his birthday the year previous. He hadn’t asked for them, hadn’t even suggested you buy him anything, but as you passed the culinary shop window, mesmerized by their sharpness, their danger, their promise, you wondered - would they be a present or a plea? An offering of his happiness or yours, a moment of union between you both in which he would feel joy and you would be the cause of such magnificence. 

They’re well worn now. Even from where you stand, you can see the streaks along the blades from multiple sharpening sessions, and as he holds them you can see the hidden strength that lives in his hands. His hands, rough and powerful, yet still more fine than sand and warm as maple. You have never told anyone about your admiration for the elegant length of his fingers, the peaks and valleys of his knuckles, and the way they seem to hold you, transfix you, satisfy you simply because they are proof beauty is not a face or a voice, but an art inherent to all things living. You suppose you will never tell anyone, his hands a poem for you alone.

Peering up at you curiously through the length of his lashes, he patiently waits for your answer and, for the second time today, you feel him. He is becoming an invasion, your defenses drawn down over the many hours beside him, the length of your thighs still tingling from his touch, and you are so aware of him the ripeness of this attention causes you to shiver.

‘Why are you asking me?’ you ask softly, taking a few tentative steps towards the island where he stands. Everything about your motions, your words, is careful, tender, mindful that this kind of question is fragile. ‘You never let people help in the kitchen.’

He stills as he lifts his head to appraise you, unabashedly taking you in and holding you under the ferocity of his gaze. Any other man and you would call this entrapment, but you are used to giving him everything, used to his penetrative stare and the way he always, without fail, seems to witness every flawed and contradictory piece you try to keep buried. 

‘Because I want you to,’ he says, as if wanting anything is simple.

Aimlessly, you nod at his response, scanning the island counter as you approach with your arms hanging limply at your sides. You’ve surrendered to him without your own permission, but you are not terribly dismayed by this. He asks for help and speaks of wanting as though it’s an easy request, yet the tension at the back of his throat, minimal and almost imperceptible, implies this is something big and bold and frightening for him to say. For as long as you’ve known him, you both have been difficult, anxious, battling yourselves more than you battle the world around you, and so you do not comment on this ask - do not comment on the emotion of it - because you could still be wrong, and he could still take it back.

‘Aren’t you the one with the chef’s license?’ you tease, coming to stand beside him, unloading the food and organizing them into piles to be moved to their respective cupboards or shelves. ‘Wouldn’t my peasant hands ruin your julienne?’

‘Har har.’ The sound of his sarcastic laugh makes you blush, looking over your shoulder as you tuck unneeded cold things into the refrigerator. ‘And no,’ he continues once you’re beside him again, ‘I don’t need things to look pretty today, I just need them to taste good.’

Handing you a knife that fits perfectly in the palm of your outstretched hand, your eyes meet for a moment that is long enough to generate a spark. It blossoms within your blood, the mark of friendship and the mark of love blurring together the same way grief so often follows joy, weaving together to create something tender and something reverent. You look at him, and this moment feels eternal.

‘Besides,’ he mumbles, moving to guide a bunch of scallions, some tomatoes, and freshly peeled garlic on to the cutting board he has laid out for you. ‘Sometimes the most beautiful things in the room are the ones with flaws.’

Entirely unsure what to say to this, you simply bob your head with a noise of interest, a feigned motion of understanding. He does not seem to notice the way his words pierce you, cutting at wounds you have long since done your best to hide from him, and you are glad his smile endures. From the corner of your eye, you watch him carry on, cutting into an onion with little pomp and circumstance, the ghost of his words a phantom that chooses to haunt only you. Your hand trembles only slightly as you move the garlic into position, and you grip the handle tightly to keep your motions steady and even, gathering all your strength to root into the base of your joints.

Moments slip past you freely, moments where you are silent save for the deep inhalation of breath that fills your lungs as you watch him cut. Your friendship with Kyungsoo is still relatively new, in your eyes - two years on and still there are details of his life, his history, his character that elude you. Still, you know him well enough, likely somehow have always known, that he is complicated and oftentimes impossible, unfathomable, thinking too hard about every nuance and detail that colours his choices.

But when he cooks, when he is in the act of creation, making a whole reality to be touched and tasted with his bare hands, you find he has never been so certain of anything. As he turns the onion, halving it swiftly before quartering it, there is no doubt in his actions, no hesitation, and he seems to relax into this confidence, mind wandering freely because there is no room for its criticism.

‘To The Lighthouse or A Room of One’s Own?’ he asks, unprompted.

Tugging your bottom lip between your teeth, you begin slicing the garlic into small pieces as you consider his question. ‘To the Lighthouse.’

You're unsure who started this game, the habit of asking one another questions on your preferences, something that feels so fundamental to your relationship you imagine it is genetic to the very fabric of its existence. It no longer matters who started it, you think, only that it has persisted without ever fading, something you look forward to whenever you're together. Baekhyun finds this game rather comical, often wondering why you even bother when you both know so much about one another at this point old topics must be rehashed. But each time, every time, he says this Kyungsoo simply looks at you with an expression that could stitch together the stars and you know, together, that he is wrong.

Even if a topic is revisited, the answer is always different. In this way, you ensure that you know one another and you still never stop knowing.

Kyungsoo hums at your response. ‘Why?’

This is yet another unwritten rule of the game: for whatever you choose, you must offer a quote or a reason, the one thing you cling to that makes the choice feel superior over the other.

Three months ago, he loaned you both these books, and you had finished them rather quickly. The day you returned them, your fingers grazed as he took them from you, the resulting tremor of this touch leaving your hands caught in a fire that would not cease for days. He didn't ask what you thought beyond if you'd enjoyed them. You suppose he'd been saving it for this moment.

Pressing your palm into the flat of the knife, you compress a clove of garlic and dig deep. You'd given your answer automatically, on impulse, and hadn't truly considered the fact that you must quote the line that made your breath catch and your very bones quake. It hits you now that he's read these words, felt this kind of swooning even if there is distance between your twin heartbreaks; eyes kissing the same page long after one another has departed.

‘It was not knowledge, but unity she desired,' you begin, focusing intently on chopping so as not to lose your will, 'not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself - which is knowledge.’

His knife falters in cutting the onion, the blade slipping against the wood of the cutting board as you finish speaking. Glancing out of the corner of your eye, you watch the juice spread beneath his perfect slices, his lips parting slightly as he takes in a slow hiss of breath. Steadying himself, he gathers his composure and begins chopping once more, nodding in agreement.

It is your turn to ask a question, but you take this moment of silence to watch the light from the wide kitchen window nestle between his cupid's bow, understanding with your whole chest why the moon fought so hard to claim the sun.

‘Are you okay?’ you murmur, keeping your tone quiet and gentle, concerned yet distanced, not wanting to embarrass him.

‘Mhmm,’ he hums, flippantly avoiding the question.

‘Dexter or Supernatural,' you inquire, moving your pile of minced garlic to the corner of the board as you gather the bunch of scallions.

‘Dexter,' is his confident reply.

'Have these already been washed?' you divert, and he glances to your hands, nodding. Lining them up, you continue.‘Why?’

Sighing, he unwraps a large cut of fish from its paper packaging, considering his choice. ‘We all make rules for ourselves,' he quotes. 'It’s these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules, we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown.’

Amidst your meticulous slicing, you feel yourself bristle. In the choice between the two, you agree - Dexter would be your first choice. Yet, you had not expected him to pick this quote, this particular choice carrying with it the weight of your identity. Your understanding of yourself and your needs has always been wrapped up in these few lines, your desire for rules and control the very thing that allows you to relate to the world. Everyone you know finds things both disruptingly and disturbingly true about themselves through their relations with other people, through their relationship to their surroundings.

You relate to yourself and to them through the rules you have cultivated, based on your experiences of others rather than their integration into your life. You want to break free from this, aware that this is only yet another way you stand to complicate your understanding of everything, but you rely on it.

And, it seems, so does he.

He is soft and sensitive, and yet conversely so rigid, operating within his own rules. To step outside would be a great unmaking, and, for one blissful moment, you find there is no space between where you end and he begins. In this understanding, you are both slinking toward a new reality.

Glancing down at your cutting board, you pout. The scallions will be uneven.

Kyungsoo swallows with a low cough, clearing his throat. ‘Neruda or Siken.’

A wide smile blooms across your features, this question perhaps one of the easiest he has ever asked. ‘Siken.’

Using your knife, you push the chopped scallions to the top of your cutting board and slowly roll a few of the tomatoes down to the center. Your smile falters, already picturing the mess of squashed pulp that will come from this. Years of cooking for yourself, but still your hands are too heavy for delicate things. With a small sigh, you angle your knife over the ripe curve, the skin so smooth you think your knife might slide right off without any incision at all. 

As you start to press your knife down, Kyungsoo stops you.

‘Try like this.’

Coming to stand behind you, he takes your hands in his, joining you in holding the knife and holding the vegetable, the touch from his fingers feather light and, conversely, heavy as steel. Your breath halts its journey in your lungs, blood too warm and stagnant in your veins, your heart faltering amidst this disruption. The heat from his chest radiates into your back, meandering down your spine and into your legs, all over your nerves until you wonder if there is anything left of you, any part of you he has not touched. 

He makes being near him feel like a season, full years and days lived in the wake of a breath; your every breath heavy with him, and the things your heart yearns to offer him. Every second full of an exhale transmutes into the precipice of a life well lived, because he is there and smiling and sharing the world with you even if he is not sharing the ardor in your lungs. Kyungsoo is the fifth season, a season unto you, an oncoming wind between the border of summer and autumn, between the heat and the chill, neither a warming nor a cooling but a possibility of both all at once.

You know this. You have always known this. But, recently, in the days you find yourself absent from him, your heart unmakes the memory of these small euphorias, unpossessed and eternally lonely, unwilling to cling to that which it cannot keep. And so you are whelmed and unmade by the totality of him, forced, now, to stitch yourself into someone entirely new, someone who knows how it feels to be close.

He guides your right hand forward, easing the knife slowly along the tomato until the base is what presses into the skin, not the middle.

‘Why Siken?’ he whispers, and he is close enough his breath tickles at your ear, cascading down your neck and into your shoulder. He spills over you, and you tremble, knowing he feels you but he says nothing, polite enough to maintain your pride.

He asked you a question. You know he did, and it takes work finding words when he is doing his best to consume you like this, your eyes watching as he, and you, together, slice a tomato into thin circles. The rhythm he creates with your twin hands is steady, even, almost musical in the way you can anticipate the sound of it, and it grounds you just enough to remember you are about to give absolutely everything away.

If he does not know yet, if he has not known, you suppose he will know now. But he asked. And so you will tell him.

‘Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us,’ you whisper, matching the volume of his voice. You know he will hear you. You wonder if he will feel you. ‘These, our bodies, possessed by light. Tell me we will never get used to it.’

Kyungsoo eases the knife down one last time, and keeps it there, pressed against the cutting board as the slice drops mutely against the other pieces, the juice from the vegetable seeping deep into the wood. His thumb moves slowly over yours in small circles - you’d like to call them reassuring, but as he steps closer behind you, as his other hand moves his fingers over your knuckles, you wonder if there is any reassurance to be found here. 

In love, in lust, the solidarity you have found in your hobbies and your, almost selfish, avoidance have dissolved, leaving you exposed to the full extent of his soul. No, there is no reassurance in this liminal space, the moment in which you will either become unbreakable or tragically unrecognizable threatening your very sense of self. Had you known when you met him that it would feel this way? Had you known that loving him would be not unlike a benediction? 

The problem, you think, is that even if you had known, nothing would have stopped you. In every life, in every choice, you love him like a beginning and an ending, your heart incapable of knowing much other than craving him.

His hands drift away, peeling off your skin, slowly, as though he is reluctant to leave. Turning until his nose is tucked into the hair just above your ear, he inhales deeply, hands coming to over just above your hips. The energy between you is a live wire, your mouth running dry and your tongue coming to wet your lips, feeling yourself grow parched. Kyungsoo takes a long breath, filling his lungs with nothing but you, before he exhales and whispers into the shell of your ear. 

‘Can you handle it?’

You’re not sure if he means the quote or the rest of the tomato, not sure if he means if you can handle this, with him, or the rest of your existence without him. You aren’t entirely sure of much other than the force of your attraction, the sheer power of it, and the way you think it will fuel your every thought until your bones become ash, this love a windmill in your chest.

‘I think so,’ you mumble in affirmation, glancing over your shoulder to offer him a small expression of encouragement, hoping you look convincing.

His eyes have grown dark, the chocolate of his irises tempered with an impenetrable black, and a flush spreads across his cheeks so warm and pink you would think he’s been sugared. Immediately, you regret seeing him, the lust in you becoming a sea, the swell of it so deep and so strong, you fear you might drown in it, in him.

‘Actually, I’m feeling a bit warm.’ Side stepping along the island, away from him and out of his orbit, your words are rushed and hurried. Running a hand through your hair, you look at him, pleading. ‘Are you okay to take it from here?’

‘Yeah, are you okay?’ he asks furrowing his brow, concern evident in his voice.

‘I’m fine,’ you nod, looking everywhere but his face. ‘It’s fine. I just need to dip my toes in the water to cool off. Text me if you need me to come back?’

He laughs, watching you affectionately as you turn away from him, heading to the sliding door that leads to the brilliant green grass of the back yard. ‘Okay,’ he calls, his voice following you out.

You know that he will not. 

You know that there is a barrier that stands between grief and loving, a door to walk through in which there is a boundary between the knowledge of love and the acceptance of it. He opened the door. You stepped through, momentarily basking in the reverence of it, only to leave, shutting it behind you, likely forever, to wallow in the ever comforting loneliness of wanting.

‘Are you joining me?’

Chanyeol’s girlfriend sits on the dock, leisurely swinging her feet in the water as she cranes her face into the sun to watch your approach. Covering her eyes with her hand to block the sun, she offers you a curious smile as you slide off your sandals and sit heavily beside her. Leaning back on your hands, you let the sun warm your neck and chest in contrast to the cold lake water that laps lazily over your feet and midway up your calf, pressing your fingers into the rough oak. The water’s chill walks up your skin, soothing the tension in your nerves that lingers from Kyungsoo’s breath, smile, lips, and voice.

In the distance, Chanyeol’s laughter mixes with Yixing’s and Baekhyun’s. Just beyond their small circle, Sehun and Jun canoe in amusement, the paddling of their oars a relaxing rhythm amidst the chaos that surrounds them. Baekhyun’s new girlfriend swims close by, her laughter jubilant yet reticent, still testing the limits of her comfort. Eyes still closed, you tilt your head to the side, remembering how you felt the day you were integrated into this group - shy and uncertain, the closeness of the bonds surrounding you both frightening and awe inspiring.

Chanyeol made it easy, as he always does, but, strangely enough, Kyungsoo made it easier. Even without loving him, without the intense desire to be near him, you would have chosen his company over all the rest. He said your name like it was something special, like he was careful with it inside his mouth - like it mattered. He wanted your opinion on everything, wanted your thoughts, wanted your voice first. You’ve lost count of the parties, the gatherings, the movie nights, the drinking games, and as a result all the times you’ve wound up next to him, tucked into a corner just talking and just learning. 

Kyungsoo made it easier than all the rest, simply because he demanded you at his side.

Opening your eyes, the light seems to sparkle in the places where it kisses the water, putting a glimmer against your skin. 

‘How did you do it?’The words taste bitter and heavy against your tongue, and you find yourself grimacing as you speak.

Chanyeol’s girlfriend, the Countess as he likes to call her, turns to face you. You feel her eyes move over your profile, patient despite her confusion. ‘Do what?’

‘Tell him you loved him.’ Chanyeol dives under the water only to break through the surface behind Baekhyun, dunking him with a gleeful howl. Would it have been easier to manage your feelings with someone so vocal? Someone with such little restraint? Sitting up, you press the base of your palms into your eyes and release a mournful sigh. ‘How did you own up to it?’

‘Well, I didn’t have to do much,’ she laughs. Looking at her, the expression your features decide to wear feels plagued by uncertainty but she does not see you. Her gaze has drifted to where Chanyeol swims, to his broad form and his musical laugh, her own expression softened beyond measure. She smiles as she speaks, unbridled in her admiration. ‘You know Chanyeol. He’s the least discrete person and also not terribly patient.’ Tossing you a knowing grin, she giggles affectionately and you cannot help but laugh, her happiness naturally contagious. ‘The beauty of those things is he figures out what he wants immediately and then acts on it only after he’s decided it’s to his benefit. He’s very discerning that way.’

Humming, you glance down at your legs and lean back on your hands once more, pouting. ‘Did you know, though? All that time, did you know?’

‘No,’ she shakes her head. ‘I suppose, looking back, there were always signs,’ she concedes quickly, ‘but we’re so similar, I would go between thinking it was just our way of communicating and connecting to thinking it was flirting, but only when I was alone. When I was with him, I just wanted to enjoy being with him.’

‘How?’ You don’t mean to sound so incisive or desperate, but the feel of Kyungsoo’s hands still nestles deep within your skin, and you can sense him there even after he has departed. You are certain that you will spend the rest of your life with him pressing against parts of you long dormant and long ignored. ‘How do you do that? How did you not lose your mind being so close to him?’

‘That’s giving me far too much credit,’ she laughs, body jostling against yours in her amusement.

On instinct, as though the very sound itself is a siren call, Chanyeol ceases his movements and turns to see her, the teasing smile he’d been sporting with Yixing fading into one of contented devotion. In a single instant, the mere sight of her smooths away all his edges. There is something unspoken, yet eternal, lurking in the depths of his eyes, his yearning a boundless loyalty that declares her as his treasure. 

‘I always wanted to be close to him, and I was always on the edge of my sanity. But..’ her speech dies slowly, voice tight with emotion. Considering her words, she holds his stare and refuses to look away, seemingly adrift with him. Instinctively drawn to him, she leans forward slightly, the bones and the core of her pulling her to him as best they can. ‘He makes me happy. In the purest, most simple sense of the word he makes me happier than I’ve ever been able to really...attain, if that makes sense.’

She looks away from him then, turning to regard you rather seriously. ‘Happiness has always been a choice I have to make, but it’s also something that is elusive.’ All too easily she adopts the austere tone she so often uses when giving you advice - words stern and slightly cold, though still doing her best to remain supportive and encouraging. ‘When I’m with him, he sustains it. I’m not stressed and I’m not anxious, I just get to be. You have no idea how unbelievably peaceful that is. If I spend my time with him overthinking, it rushes me to a feeling, to a place we don’t need to be in. I don’t want to overthink, I just want to be with him.’ 

She takes him in once more, all the tension seeming to leave her muscles as her eyes touch what her hands cannot, visibly comforted. ‘More than anything, I just want to be with him’

Fundamentally you understand her statements, your heart responding and reacting to the sentiment with little input from your mind. A language has started to develop within you, the kind that seems to be spoken by Chanyeol and the countess, a language that exists where words fail entirely. There are no words to describe the way you yearn for Kyungsoo, not a single syntax that could contain his grace, his imperfections, the breadth of his very soul. There are no words, yet you comprehend all of it - you feel all of it, the very act of this understanding a transgression against your sense of self.

Shaking your head, you groan, doing your very best to stay the same, to stay guarded. ‘That’s too much to think about.’

Chuckling, she pokes you in the shoulder. ‘I know this is about Kyungsoo.’

Waving her hand away, you hurriedly hush her with a loud hiss, looking to the group and back again. Running your fingers over your arm, you massage the slight pain with a small frown. ‘They might hear you,’ you whisper, aghast.

She snorts. ‘They’re too absorbed in whatever competition Chanyeol has created. And it’s not like this is a big secret. But okay. I’ll be quiet..er.’

The blood in your veins seems to chill, matching the temperature of the water at your feet. Eyes wide, you whisper, ‘People know?’

‘Yes,’ she nods, like nothing has changed, like this single fact is the most inconsequential thing in the world. ‘I’m pretty sure everyone knows, except for Kyungsoo which is shocking.’

With a groan, you fall back onto the dock. Heated by the direct sunlight, the wood sends heat through your shoulders and spine, an otherworldly compassion that does its best to ease your tension. Draping your arm over your eyes, you sigh. ‘Must you always tease me?’

‘Yes. It’s my duty.’ Patting your leg gently she offers little condolence, her voice a sarcastic lament. 

In the ensuing quiet colours move amidst the darkness behind your eyes, sunlight infiltrating the small gap between your arm and the bridge of your nose, and providing a kaleidoscope of purple and green. Lilacs and lilies are carried in the rustling breeze, the opposite side of the lake decorated with a field of flowers, its tall grass and array of blossoms just as dense as the hunger in your blood. If you were alone perhaps you would weep over this, the inward nature of this secret desire fueled by the feel of his fingertips and his laugh and his breath on your neck - it is enough to consume the very heart of you, leaving nothing in its wake.

To give in to this would be to render yourself unrecognizable.

‘Have you ever wondered who you would be if you weren’t trying to think your way through feelings?’

A groan of discontent bubbles in your chest, her question simultaneously full of good intentions while still demanding you confront the change occurring within you. Like always, she insists that you take control of it, that you become a participant in your very unmaking - that you surrender to it, as though the only thing you must endure is yourself. How much of this can one survive, you wonder. How much of a person can survive the devastation of wanting?

‘That’s not entirely helpful.’ You know that you are whining - you can hear the cadence of your unease seep through the last of your syllables. But this cannot be helped, you think. Your great resolve has been terribly weakened.

She inhales, preparing to reply, only to be interrupted by the sounds of splashing water making its approach. Removing your hand from your eyes, you lean up slightly and squint through the changing light to see Chanyeol, his arms breaking through the water as he swims to the dock. Pressing his hands onto the wood, he lifts himself up to linger between his girlfriends legs, getting both you and she wet. You roll slightly to the side in surprise, doing your best to avoid more water getting on your clothes, but she just leans forward, the stars and the moon shifting through her eyes she takes him in.

‘My love,’ she giggles, kissing his nose. As she pulls away, he follows after her, leaning forward for more, but she is already looking behind him, brow furrowed. ‘Aren’t you in the middle of some kind of challenge?’

‘Yeah,’ he laughs, folding his arms on the dock and resting his head as he gazes up at her. ‘We’re trying to see who can knock Jun out of his canoe first.’

Cocking an eyebrow at him, you smirk. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’

‘He’s got a life jacket,’ he shrugs, entirely nonchalant. ‘Anyway, I need a good luck kiss.’

Running her hands through his hair, she lets her fingers toy with the tips of his ears as she speaks. ‘You know you’ll win even if you don’t get one.’ 

His eyes flutter closed under her thoughtful touching, swooning into her orbit as he hums. They stay like this for a moment, awash and enraptured with one another. Their world is foreign to you, a place of belonging where they live only with each other, and more vulnerable and brave than you could ever comprehend. 

When he looks at her again, there is a silent communion that passes between them, words and conversations living and dying on their breaths without any speech at all.

‘Still,’ he pouts, and she understands, instantly pulling him up as he raises.

The prelude to this kiss is just as intimate as the act itself, and you look away, gazing over your shoulder back to the house, back to where Kyungsoo cooks, alone and possibly lonely, abandoned because you have not yet learned how to truly hold the sun in your hands. In truth, you are too fond, too enamored, too lost in him to remember yourself when you are with him; and you are too comfortable, too in control of your emotions to forget yourself, remembering all your flaws and the way they will inevitably be highlighted, all the light in the universe culminating in him and illuminating everything, including you.

Chanyeol swims away once he is satisfied, and you swallow the words that have threatened to rise in the back of your throat. In considering Kyungsoo, you have once again considered the reality of love - they have made you consider love, and there is something easy about the conversation you had before he arrived, so you do your best to return knowing, depressingly, she will not let you escape.

‘You both are assholes you know?’ you tease, nudging her gently. 

She watches him hungrily, lips red and swollen, before she looks at you once more, distracted. ‘I meant what I said.’

‘You’re not helping,’ you groan, exasperated.

‘Only because you want to apply logic to your feelings.’ Having collected herself once more, her spine straightens, words full of authority. ‘Sometimes, feelings don’t make sense and sometimes they just are. Who are you when you aren’t thinking about how you feel?’

‘I don’t know,’ you shrug, defeated. ‘I can’t know because I don’t even understand what you’re saying. What do you mean by don’t think about how I feel?’

‘Yes, exactly!’ she says, far too enthusiastic for such a non-committal answer.

‘You know I understand even less now, you know this right?’ you murmur flatly, looking back to the water.

Gaze unfocused, your friends are a blur of action far away from you. Their colours merge and mix while you try to surrender your conscious mind in favor of feeling. Every breath you take is full of him, every inhale and exhale an ode to the way you both see and feel him without ever looking at all. The first summer you met him, everything was pure happiness. July was oppressive in the way it kept you perpetually warm, but you thought you would forget him, that the feeling would fade - this kind of craving dies with summer, the twilight of the season bringing forth a reality too harsh for summer’s fruit. 

But he has not left you. Not once. Not even a little.

‘How does he make you feel?’ she tries, taking a different approach to her questioning. ‘Don’t think about why you feel it, just think about what it is.’

To you, the question is inherently frightening, the tendrils of it dripping down into the cage of your ribs and tightening, finding all the places the ache in you is the most special and the most tender. The question is frightening, but it bears an even more frightening answer - a frontier and the unexplored desert of truth.

‘Safe,’ you admit, acknowledging, horribly, that while you are safe with yourself, you are, perhaps, even more safe beside him; his aura, a temple. ‘He makes me feel safe.’

When you look at her once more, you’re certain you are something pathetic, but she simply takes hold of your hand and squeezes it, the reassurance of her touch a threat to the dam of solitude locked inside your chest.

‘Then,’ she begins, almost too soothing and too sweet for you to stand, ‘the next time you’re with him, let yourself be safe and nothing else. I think everyone wants to know who they are when they’re safe, without question.’

The problem, you think, is that you have always known who you would be if you let yourself go. The problem, you think, is that you have known and done your best to spirit it away, aware that to feel as much as you do, about everything, would render someone monstrous.

To be free and open and safe with him is to be hungry - not the absence of yearning, but the sheer, irrevocable abundance of it.

'Listen, the Baroness needs your room.'

Baekhyun corners you in the hallway long after the sun has set. Cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, the wine from dinner and the beer from the fire pit still linger in his bloodstream, giving him the sort of dazed, sleepy appearance that usually makes you soften towards him. Leaning against the wall for support, his closeness allows you to smell the smoke and ash from the bonfire on his clothes, and if he had posed any other question, said, quite possibly, anything else, you would have ruffled his hair and given him a hug, wanting to be close to him.

Instead, you rear back slightly, so bewildered you are certain you have mental whiplash.

'What?' The word comes out quickly, more an exclamation of sound than an actual word. ‘The who?’

Baekhyun shrugs, sheepish. ‘You know how Chanyeol calls his girl the Countess, Jongin calls his Duchess.’ He sways as he speaks, a sign of his drunkenness or a sign of his shyness at the question, you cannot be sure. ‘I’m trying this one out for mine.’

Humming, you nod. ‘That’s very nice. And no.’ 

'Come on,’ he pleads, already starting to whine. ‘You can share with someone else, but she really needs your room.'

Crossing your arms, you mirror his pose and lean against the wall. The dim light of the hallway puts shadows under his eyes, making his expression look far more forlorn than it likely is.

'Absolutely not,’ you say, sternly. Twelve hours later and you are in the same position as this morning, protesting against the unfairness of his requests. ‘I paid for that room out of my own pocket. She can't just come on this trip and freeload. Besides, didn't you bring her on this trip to get laid? What are you going to do, astral project through walls?'

'No, not really, I mean maybe but not exactly,’ he stammers, doing his best to piece his argument together. Too tipsy to mask his meaning with the smoothness of words, all he can do is suffer the truth of his emotions. ‘It’s not exactly like that but I can't make it that obvious.’

Rolling your eyes, you sigh, exasperated. 'Baekhyun, it's already obvious.'

'Don't you know there has to be finesse to this?' The barely restrained emotion in his voice dismantles the playful tone he has done his best to adopt, the intensity of his desire not something to be trifled with.

But so too are you unafraid of a challenge, your mind already made up, your heart already enclosed in your room with the lakeside view.

'What are you, seven?’ you laugh, incredulously. ‘I think she knows exactly what you're looking for out of this, it's why she's here at all.'

'It's not that obvious,’ he pouts.

'Literally, why would anyone agree to go on a vacation with a bunch of strangers and one guy they only kind of know?’ you challenge, unable to fathom any other conclusion. Even in the beginning, when Chanyeol would invite you out, your proclivity for quiet nights at home always had you leaning toward spending the evening with a book until he would mention Kyungsoo’s name. The sound of the word alone would draw you out, his name dissolving the essence of your loneliness if only for one night. ‘She's here for the same thing as you, just get it over with.'

'I don't just want to fuck her!' he exclaims in a loud whisper, both your eyes widening at his admission.

In the aftermath of his outburst, there is a looming silence in which you are uncertain what else there is to be said. It weighs down on you, on your shoulders and on your heart, the uprising in him so unlike his usually soft and sweet demeanor. He has never been one for committing, never been one for avoiding what he wants either, and so this limbo between wanting her to be his while also keeping her at arm’s length puts a throb in the center of your temple.

Squeezing your eyes closed, you dig your nails into your arms. 'I'm so confused about what's happening here.'

'I really like this girl.’ It’s the most careful Baekhyun has ever spoken, as if he is just as perplexed as you by the sheer tenacity of his emotions. Hearing himself say the words seems to put a colour in his cheeks, deepening the shade of his blush beyond alcohol, beyond the kiss of the afternoon sun. Baekhyun grows almost weary in his relief, glad that he has said it out loud, to someone. ‘I don't want to just make it about that one thing.' 

Resting a hand on his shoulder, you offer him a sympathetic smile. Over the years of your friendship, you have watched him fall in love several times a day, with so many different things, his heart an atrium that endlessly nurtures romance and affection. It’s rare for him to settle on one single person, and even more rare for him to act on it.

'I respect you,’ you say slowly, pressing your thumb into the strong flesh of his arm in solidarity, ‘but I still paid money for that room, so it's not happening.'

'I'll pay you back for it,’ he tries, starting to sober beneath your perpetual refusal.

'Baekhyun -'

'Kyungsoo's room has two twin beds,’ he blurts out in a rush, all his words condensed on a single breath. Feeling yourself pale, the axis of the world seems to shift beneath your feet, your vision suddenly blurred and unfocused, dizzy,  and he takes your surprised silence as volition to speak. ‘It's like a pleasant surprise! You can share with him.'

Even in the dark, you can see the mischievous glimmer in his eyes, the sparkle of an ulterior motive lurking in the depths. It would not be the first time he attempted to be your wingman, would also not be the first time he would fail at such an endeavor, and your hand slides away from his arm, falling limply at your side. You watch him, slack jawed at the horror of it all, stomach dropping all the way down to your toes.

'Baek, no.’ It is your turn to plead, amazed your voice even makes a sound with how dry your throat has become.

'Oh, come on!' Baekhyun has the audacity to laugh, slapping your arm congenitally as if his encouragement is enough to placate you. 'I'm trying to help you!'

Sarcastically, you snort. 'You're helping yourself and clinging to the hope that it would ever be about me.'

Somehow immune to your admonishment, he simply wiggles his brow salaciously. 'You know you like the idea.'

'Fucks sake, I should never have told you about this,’ you hiss, crossing your arms over your chest once more. ‘I got drunk one time and now you think you can play matchmaker.' 

Baekhyun sighs, shrugging his shoulders. 'Listen, I already told her she can have your room -'

Rearing back, you blink rapidly, appalled and bewildered. 'What the fuck?'

'And Kyungsoo already agreed to letting you stay in his,’ he continues, ignoring your seething disdain as though this is simply a negotiation about where to go for breakfast.

Blood rushing away from your cheeks, running to service your overactive heart, you simply stare off into the distance, beyond Baekhyun, beyond the house altogether, to a time in history when you would not have to spend the evening sharing his air. 'I hate this.'

'I know.’ It’s his turn to rest a hand on your shoulder, his expression somehow far less sympathetic than yours had been. ‘But if this is the only way for both of us to get what we want, then someone has to put some fire under your ass.'

Shaking your head, you do not allow him to come into focus, mumbling with scathing contempt. 'Wow, I actually hate you.'

'You move at a glacial pace.’ Assuming the conversation is over, he removes his hand from your shoulder and turns away, no longer giving you any opportunity to complain. ‘At least now we all can say we tried.'

Hurriedly, you follow after him, pushing off the wall and gathering the strength to move your things from your lakeside room to Kyungsoo’s, the phantom memory of his skin on yours awakening once more. 

'Why are you still talking?’ you call after him.

But he just tosses you a sly wink over his shoulder, laughing to himself as he heads down the stairs.

‘I can hear you overthinking from across the room.’ 

The light from the moon creeps in through the sheer curtains covering the window, Kyungoo’s voice filling the space, dancing on the rays, with a tired rasp. He’s worn himself out - laughing, yelling, drinking. Somehow, the sound is thick and heavy, sinking down and deep into places long left untouched, your body wired by the sound of him alone. 

'Just go to sleep,’ he chastises, turning over in his bed. 

It is only the two of you contained in this small space, twin beds side by side, close enough you can hear his breath. Pressing your head against the pillow, your mind has become divided in two, living in two places at once - this moment, and your time spent with him in the kitchen, doing its best to rationalize the difference. Cooking with him, he was all over you, hands on yours and chest against your back as if he was learning how to make a home of you. It was different then, almost too tactile to comprehend but the sun through the kitchen and living room windows somehow made the world seem wide. 

His touch had a distance, a space - even if you could not see it, you could sense it, the light finding its way through, reminding you there is a line between your body and his, a line between simply touching and truly feeling.

Now, in the dark, everything, even the gap between your mattresses feels close - too intense, too raw, to real. The darkness is oppressive, like that, a brief moment in time in which you are aware of the edge of things. Resting in the center of your bed, you are aware of the edge of your limbs, the absolute limit of your body. In the room, you are aware of the edge of your bed and the way there is just enough distance between yours and his for a single person to stand. In his bed, you are aware of the edge of his lips, and the way his breath cascades over them, facing the window to kiss the moon. 

And you are aware of the edge of your resolve, threatened and thinned to breaking by the way the light casts him in silver, illuminating all the parts of him you find sacred.

‘You’re wide awake too,’ you say to the ceiling, not allowing yourself to see him. ‘I guess that makes us even.’ Biting your lip, you close your eyes and sigh. ‘I’m not the only one who can’t fall asleep,’ you finish quietly.

Kyungsoo laughs, warm and rich, utterly intoxicating, no trace of irritation in his words as he speaks. ‘Okay,’ he muses. 'How about this.’ 

You hardly have time to knit your brow together in thought before he begins singing, the rich honey of his tone turning the room into amber. He doesn’t often do this, a talent he likes to keep to himself. Sometimes, when he is drunk, he can be convinced to be the start of a song, not the result, but even this takes an equal amount of convincing as it does bottles of beer. But you have found, over time, that the talent itself is not so secret - hidden, but not entirely forbidden. 

When he is with you, somehow you always hear his music, your ear always finding and listening to his voice first. You have found there is not a single moment he is without music, the way he speaks a melody unto itself, but when the sun goes down and the others go to bed, and it is just you and just him, and the dying embers of a fire that blazed too high, he sings with you. 

He sings, often, just to make you smile.

'Oh, dear god, is that supposed to be better?' you laugh, skin tingling with adrenaline and a down turned corner of your cheeks as though you are saying goodbye to a time in your life when things were safe.

Kyungsoo interrupts himself, and even though you do not see him, even though you cannot yet bring yourself to look, you know he is beaming. 'I'm not going to stop until you sing along.'

He continues singing and the joy in you sets itself free, liberated like a terror. You would be frightened if this moment were perfect, would feel the world dissolve around you, his voice a nightingale leading you to perish. You would retreat from all of this, except -

'I hate this song,’ you sigh, flopping your arms atop the mattress to signal your unrest.

'I know,’ he persists, turning in the bed to face you. The darkness does little to hide the intensity of his focus. If anything, it feels heightened, the angles of your profile burning beneath his scrutiny. ‘But you know it.'

In spite of yourself, you close your eyes and let the bliss send shivers through your veins. When you are not looking, held in the darkness of your own making, your body becomes otherworldly, something entirely outside of yourself, someone you don’t recognize. How far have you crossed? What line have you transgressed and ignored, blithely meandering into the irresistible territory of passion? It’s all over you now, your smile full of teeth and your mind empty, save for his melody and the advice of Chanyeol’s girlfriend:

Who are you when you are not trying to think through emotion?

It happens in the limbo between who you are and who you want to be, the room suddenly a cathedral devoted to your wanting. With your eyes open, your love takes a verbal form, this voice yours yet better, enhanced and empowered, and you sing because you no longer can help it. Nowhere near as confident or stable in your notes, your voice does its best to hold onto the words, finding the center of the notes almost too late before it’s time to move to another, but, strangely, you don’t find yourself blushing. It is not, you think, that the darkness has made you less inhibited, rather that with a song you hate and a smile at your lips, you simply don’t have it in you to mind.

'There it is!' he celebrates, raising his arms off the mattress and clapping.

Pressing a hand to your forehead, your shyness in the dark somehow even more amusing, you cackle. 'God, this is terrible.'

Adjusting his pillow, he hums. 'Exactly.'

The aftermath of your twin voices seems to reverberate around the room, long after you both have fallen quiet, the echo bouncing off your skin. This kind of euphoria could only be brought by him - his intelligence, his stubbornness, his perceptive intuitiveness. With only the echo and the memory sustained, your breath becomes unsteady, reminded that this place, this room, will no longer just be a place but a sanctuary and you will no longer just be you, but you will, forever more, be his.

'Sometimes,' you begin, words a whisper that you know he will still hear, 'you're funny.'

'It's just something I'm trying.' Such a simple statement, one full of humor and sarcasm but one with a texture that makes you press your tongue to the back of your teeth as he says it. He sounds tired of running - from himself, from all the great complexities he finds in the world, but not from you. 'Just something I want to try for a little while.’'

'All the time.’ Your own words are abrupt, clipped at the end of their syllables as you rush them out, needing him to hear the correction - to not miss it, not for a second. 'You're always funny, all the time.'

For a long while he considers your statement, and, in the absence of sound and conversation, the air in the room becomes thick, sluggish in your lungs. Your fingers curl into the sheets, eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling because now, if ever, it would be terribly dangerous to turn to face him. At least, you presume, he finally knows. He must know, the layers of this confession wholly befitting the hallowed energy that lingers between you. 

Swallowing thickly, you let him take his time, forcing yourself to be patient. The darkness has brought everything together, the gap between your beds somehow closed, as though he is right next to you, even unreachable as he is.

'You're the only one who sees me that way,’ he says finally, and you hear the care laced in his voice, doing his best to articulate his appreciation.

You want more of him, more of this sound, more of everything he keeps tucked away where prying eyes cannot follow. You want all of him, his very existence an addiction. 

'It's because I see you.' This time, you are more brave, more confident, and there is a pleasing dissonance to your voice, the old you starting to become devoured by the new.

Tonight tastes different on your tongue. Something about the moon and something about the sun, about the way you have spent too long in the light with your private luxuries shrinking ever further away, has allowed you to gather blossoms of starlight, their twinkling mysteries putting a hope in your joints that has never dared to trespass until this moment. All your life, the darkness has been a shroud and a veil, a cloister keeping you contained only with your yearning thoughts and your inadequacies, an invasion that has wormed its way within you for too long. It leaves you now, spilling outward and shimmering in the moonlight, leaving you free and empty, with room to nurture a burning flame.

Kyungsoo remains completely still, and you have the passing thought he does not move for fear of causing your retreat. 'And what do you see?' he asks softly.

Fingers pressing deep into the feather comforter, you hum. 'It depends.'

A low chuckle rumbles through his chest, the very sound a ripple of thunder in the night. 'That doesn't sound reassuring.'

Taking in a deep breath, you hold it in until your lungs hurt, smothering the doubt, the fear, and the inexplicable notion that this will fail until you can convince yourself you are indestructible. 

'It depends on how long I let myself look, and depends on what you feel that day.’ Furrowing your brow, you tuck the inside of your cheek between your teeth. This should be sufficient, but he is so much more than a summation of looking, a summation time. He is something that is held without time, something you wish to behold eternally, even long after you are dust. 'It's not that you're mercurial,’ you continue, doing your best not to cringe at the clarity in your voice, ‘it's not that you're not consistent. I think I just see other things because I take my time looking.'

How would he look if you said these things to him in the daylight? What would the midday yellows and oranges reflect if he looked at you, and let himself be seen? Would you tell him your looking extends beyond admiration, beyond mere affection, and into the shuddering truth of love? To say all this in the sunlight, what would become of you?

You think it’s for the best that you will never have the answers to these questions, the night the only thing clinging tenderly to your pride, protective and secure.

'And do you like what you see?' 

His voice is full of bashful apprehension, the rustling of his own sheets a symphony to accompany his tentative questioning. He shifts restlessly, hopefully, and you feel the sound with your whole body.

Licking your lips, you press onward, getting used to breaking the darkness - getting used to feeling raw and open. 'That also depends.'

'On what you see?'

Unable to help yourself, you finally turn to your side and look at him, eyes adjusting almost instantly to trace the nuanced details of his face, the moonlight painting silver shadows along his features. You’ve been lured to him, driven to see him now that he is asking to be seen, wanting your eyes on him; the very question begged you to look, and to take your time looking. Incrementally your longing grows, a swell in your chest that challenges the very depth of the lake, rushing through you until it cannot be contained.

'On whether you want me to like it,’ you clarify.

Leaning up to support his head on his hand, he looks at you and the hunger painted over his expression is enough to have your fists curling into the mattress. It stirs in you the need to be consumed, to be loved by his mouth and the palms of his hands, the greed in you not unlike an uprising. The flush in your neck spreads over your chest, your shirt constrictive and tight, suddenly no more room for you and all this impossible craving. Even still, Kyungsoo still remains calm, a king in the world of pleasure, looking at you as though you are a gift for feasting.

'I think people always want to be liked in some way, don't you think?’ 

A low growl lurks in the back of his voice, tone dropped down an octave to find gravel you have never heard before. All month, the nights have been uncharacteristically cool, heralding the slow death of summer as it bleeds into autumn, but you are heated. His gaze lives beneath your skin, now, a fire that refuses to burn out. 

‘And,’ he carries on, as though you remain unlit, ‘I also don't think your opinion of me should depend on me. That's for you to make.'

Lips parted, mouth wanting to take him in, you mirror his pose and lean up on your arm. Slowly, you shake your head. 'That's not what I meant.' 

The rasp in your voice surprises you both, and he smiles at the tension he has created, excited at the prospect of snapping it.

'Then what did you mean?' he presses, and you would rejoice at the sensuality of it, at the way the fullness of his lips shapes the words, but the appetite within him is like a hand at the center of your throat.

'I meant whether you want me to like it...' The admission drifts away, the choir of blood in your heart on fire with the weight of honesty. But you are glad for this burning, the fire that eats at you every bit his as it is yours. 'Whether my opinion matters.'

'Your opinion matters.' Kyungsoo doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t allow room for ambiguity or dishonesty. His eyes narrow, penetrative and demanding, keeping you still. 'You matter.'

Unfurling your hands, your fingers press into the sheets as though they are his shirt, his hands, his skin. The angular brutality of him has unmade the careful concealing you have spent years constructing. Hours ago, you had admitted that Kyungsoo makes you feel safe but now you are realizing the peril of letting him in - realizing you are the torment and the danger, little more than the ghosts of your desires. Now, you are starved for him, your tongue a desert aching to be drenched.

Tossing the sheets to the side, Kyungsoo moves his legs over the bed and rises to a stand, taller than you’ve ever seen him stand. Steel keeps his spine straight, shoulders rolled back in pause as though his mind is catching up with his limbs, before he crosses the small space and comes to sit on your bed. You don’t trust yourself with him this close, not anymore. Not after you have learned to love, not only him, but the very act of loving him. 

Shifts closer to you, close enough he could touch all of you, not just your legs, your hips, your waist, your chest, but so too your face and your lips - close enough you can taste him on the air. With your lips parted, every breath you take is full of him, tongue wet and heavy with his flavor.

‘What are you doing?’

‘We aren’t like the others,’ he says plainly, fingers toying with the sheets beside your hands.

Your eyes drop to his hands, avoiding the power of the intimacy you find in his expression. It feeds into the room, your tongue coming to lick your lips and he takes in a shuddering breath, the very sound sending a jolt of desire between your thighs. Taking your silence as permission, he continues to speak, the very anguish of his words exhausted at the prospect of not having you. 

‘We don’t…’ Taking a deep breath, he glances around the room, searching. ‘Flirt,’ he settles, though even this word does not seem to satisfy him. His gaze on you is hard, urging you to look up and see him, to meet his eyes and witness him. When you do, you’re certain you could smell his very heart, your blood suddenly full of his seductive magic. ‘At least, not like they do. I don’t make speeches and you don’t surrender, not unless you’ve been given explicit proof that it’s safe. That you’re right.’

It’s as though he looks down into you, deep enough that his gaze means to caress your ribs, your bones, wrapping himself around your spine until all your senses belong to him.

‘You see me.’ His teeth glide roughly over his bottom lip, nipping it quickly before releasing it, the blood beneath the skin rushing to make it more plump than it was before. ‘And I see you. I have never stopped seeing you. I’ve not wanted to stop seeing you, finding you, learning you since the day I met you.’

If you are the devil lurking in the dark, the hungry one with eyes of greed then he is the lust, the one who has torn through you and pulled out the language you have only just started to understand. The moment that follows is enormous, a moment in which you realize love is not only the act of feeling but the act of seeing, of being seen. He describes you as though he knows you, as though he knows the clawed and ugly parts of you that threaten to tear the fabric of your existence apart, and as though he loves even what he sees in those. 

You don’t think you’ve ever been so aware of gravity, of the way language is not only a syntax but a physics, and of the way he has slowly inched closer and closer, your vision full of only him. With your eyes adjusted to the dark, you come to see yourself as a hawk, able to find yourself in his eyes, able to see yourself as he sees you - pupils dilated and not allowing you the privilege to remain invisible. In feeding on him, you feed on yourself, and so, too, you suppose does he feed on you, on himself, on the carnal savoring of your longing, united.

‘What are you saying,’ you whisper, certain he hears you, certain he hears your plea to be explicit.

‘I’m saying,’ he begins, lifting his hand to cup your chin. He holds it in his hand and pulls you close, his breath on your lips a fever, the feel of his bones pressing into yours sparking a voracious desire to be devoured, ‘if you are thinking of taking a risk, you are safe.’

His truth is a dawn breaking over your skin, spirit sanctified by the permission he grants you. Before you can even comprehend your actions you press your hands into the mattress and give yourself the momentum necessary to close the distance between your lips. The sheer force of the kiss gnaws at you, his free hand coming to wrap around your waist to pull you close. Flush against him, you think you are powerful enough to eat the moon, to eat the sun, to have him and keep him buried beneath your tongue. 

He moans against your mouth, the sound of it shuddering against your chest and vibrating through you. Your own arms wind around his neck, fingers toying with the soft hair at the nape of his neck, unable to mind that this new position is awkward and difficult to sustain. You have managed much worse, have contained whole stars in the center of your chest for years and still have survived - you think you can manage the slant of your waist as he holds you against him, unforgiving. 

Running his tongue along your lips, he asks for permission you are eager to grant, slipping his tongue against yours in a tentative stroke of possession. In your mouth, he is the blunt edge of a knife, cutting you deep enough that you think no other hands, no other lips will have their fill of you - no one else will have their fill and still find themselves engorged with an unconquered thirst. Sucking his bottom lip between your teeth, you nip the flesh to a swell that feels warm and plump. 

He smiles against you, pulling his lip away and you smile too, his voluptuous mouth a blessing. 

‘You’re wrong,’ you murmur, grazing his lips as you speak.

Insatiable, he kisses you again, stealing what he can of you until you are breathless. ‘How so?’

Moving one hand from his neck, you cup his cheek and laugh, a sound he eats with his own chuckle. ‘We are exactly like the others.’

Author’s Note v2.0: i do not own the quotes from Virginia Woolf - To The Lighthouse; Dexter, the TV show; or Richard Siken - Scheherazade

tag list: @yehet-me-up​ @wonderlustlucas​ @junkfoodwriting​ @taestfully​ @heatofmyexoheart​ @majci​ @ahgishaman​ @softly-savage-mint-yoongi​ @lamichellee​

[doakaptan]

i think i finally get mad men and im not happy about it

Two weeks ago I started watching Mad Men for an assignment and accidentally became obsessed with a show that had no premise other than Don Draper bedding various women. 5 seasons in, I bought myself a mechanical keyboard just so that I can live the aesthetic of the show while writing this.

(I will write this post assuming you have read my first blog post about this show but you don’t have to worry about missing any info because the first blog post was me predicting an unpredictable show and cursing at characters)

So turns out, I did not really figure out anything by only watching the first seven episodes. No surprise there. But by diving deep into the first 2 seasons I realized that Mad Men is actually deeper than it lets on and the cheapening effect of its over-sexualized characters don’t really do a great job at hiding it. Actually after a while sex in the show is more symbolism than actual sex. It especially signifies a mental state that is special to Don and you actually start feeling sorry for him whenever a sex scene comes up. 

Well, Don Draper is a villain as well as the hero or to put it more accurately, a tragic hero and as the seasons progress you develop a love hate relationship with him. And if you binge watch 5 seasons and use all your spare time to think about it, you start relating to Don. Surprisingly Don had all the odds against him and lived an awful life without ever doing anything to prompt it. As I learned more about his life I actually started getting mad at the alternative reality of Mad Men because goddamn let the man breathe and be happy for once. 

At the start I was mad about him cheating on Betty with every single powerful women that looked his way and I am still mad, you can’t really excuse that, but as their relationship was revealed more and more I kind of started to understand why he preferred spending the nights somewhere else. Betty is incredibly hard to put up with and no offense but even I’m not sticking around for her character development. She is overbearing, childish, overall a pain in the ass. If I knew her in real life I would have thought that she was pampered too much and was unable to grow up and get a grip as a result. She has mommy issues though and I respect that. There are also moments that she shines and she especially prefers shining only after they get a divorce and when she knows she will get Don’s approval. Before I lose track and continue talk about Betty know that Don is always worse and let me wrap up his analysis. 

Don is, in my opinion, someone who experiences love by avoiding it. (A love avoidant may be the term but I am not really sure). He marries Betty because he falls in love too hard and starts avoiding her right after their marriage, he likes the artist woman too much so he leaves her to be with someone she is more compatible with, same thing with the most of the women he chases. I only realized how hard he avoids the people he likes during season 4 when he decides to marry his secretary (who mind you spend like 4 days with him in Los Angeles to take care of his children) rather than building a healthy relationship with Faye who was probably the best person he could have ended up with. This also relates back to his self-destructive tendencies. He never truly believes that he deserved anything so he makes sure that he ruins it.

He excessively drinks and smokes, cuts ties on a whim, cheats and only ever feels truly like himself while he’s with Anna (who dies later in the series). Anna is and was the friend he needed all along. Even in his stolen identity Anna was the only person who accepted him as who he is and didn’t leave his side even in his darkest times. The man literally went to Korea by himself to defend an area and came back with a stolen id and lots of trauma and adopted himself into the life of her (the wife of the person he stole his identity from) and made sure she lived a life full of love. He shines the most when he can be himself but his old identity is and probably will always be an enigma to him. 

I think he’s slowly starting to find his way and make up for his mistakes but since he is used to self-destructing his set backs get more and more brutal each time. I start relating to him at this point the most. Relapsing in situations like these is brutal and it always feels like it is the last time and for once, for Don, it is the last time. He starts writing to understand himself and starts doing things like, regularly going to swimming or getting into a healthy relationship with someone who will be with him and help him through his ups and downs. He relapses when he decides to marry his secretary and from then on his relapse will only get worse but I believe that he is getting somewhere…

I will update this post once and for all, when I finish the entire series but for now I weirdly have hope that everything will end well for Don. 

And since I overstayed my welcome by going way over the word-limit I will speed run the thoughts I have about the other characters.

Betty, despite my comments earlier is actually misunderstood and deserves more than she gets. She truly loved Don and did everything in her power to make him happy. She even left her very successful modeling career to get married with him while SHE DESERVED BETTER THAN HIM. Her parenting is questionable but it can be overlooked because right now (in the middle of a global pandemic) we can all agree that being stuck with our family 24/7 is not ideal and we have been doing it for only a year while she has been doing it for more than a decade with more children adding up. LEAVE BETTY DRAPER/FRANCIS ALONE. 

(Also, watch the scene where she shoots at her neighbor’s pigeons because he threatened little Sally with killing her dog then talk to me about good parenting…)

Pete Campbell, turns out I really like him and his work ethic. I wish he ended up with Peggy but he is doing just fine with Trudy good for him. good. for. him. Thank god they didn’t follow up Trudy’s ‘old lover’, ‘the one that got away' plot line because it would probably be the thing I hated the most about watching this show. She is not an interesting character and she’ll never be. Good for Pete though, good for Pete. He never gets anything and I don’t know if he deserves getting it because we are not that exposed to him. But he is loyal to the ones he loves and even though his morals can get a bit questionable at times he is hardworking and will build up a great life as far as I’m concerned. (And if he doesn’t you can find me on ao3 re-writing his plot because I am no longer appreciating Pete-slander in this house).

Peggy. GOOD FOR HER GOOD FOR HER. LEAVE THAT DAMN CATHOLIC CHURCH AND HANG OUT WITH WANNABE REALEST OF THE REALEST ARTISTS. Also love the gay girl she should have ended up with her instead of the wannabe artist who only talks about capitalism. Peggy’s job is capitalism their relationship don’t really make sense.

Joan… Joan deserved someone who treated her right but fell into the lap of a charming locker-room-mouthed jock, who tried to be a surgeon and failed then tried to be a psychiatrist and failed and finally got drafted for Vietnam (ngl I hope he dies there). Unpopular opinion she should have ended up with Roger because while I hate ‘the perfect girl fixes boy with problems’ trope I would have eat it up. I like them together and surprisingly they are good together. I think she is the only one smart enough to actually lead cis-het white men who think they own everything because they are men, within their company and she deserves more than she gets with the shit she deals with. 

On a last note, the topics Mad Men deals with sometimes can get a bit triggering or upsetting but I think it is worth a watch.

[kats-kradle]

Hi hello yes I actually found your blog while I was looking for Ronon Dex whump, something there is not nearly enough of, and I just wanted to say that should you ever want to share your thoughts about him, whump-related or otherwise, I'm around to hear them,,, I care him very much (which is why I like to see him hurt... funny how that works).

OHOHOHOHOHO DID SOMEONE SAY THE MAGIC WORDS “RONON WHUMP”????? And yes there is not NEARLY enough Ronon whump!!! Buckle up I don’t think you know what you’ve unleashed by offering to let me talk about this XD i have 43 (i counted thats not an exaggeration) unfinished fics where i whump this man so i have A Lot of Thoughts on this so i’ll try to keep my headcanons and general thoughts from getting mixed up so here we go (also I haven’t actually seen past season 3ish but I know like everything)

Just general thoughts

I just love the team dynamic in general the actors had great chemistry with each other

They don’t whump Ronon enough and that is A Crime.    

But when they do whump him OH BOY ITS GOOD

Just off the top of my head I can think of     the episode where John and Elizabeth were possessed by those people who     wanted to kill each other and ronon got SHOT that was dope especially when     it showed the surgery but I was so mad there was no aftercare

Also just the fact that after Ronon was shot the guy possessing John said (about John) something like “if only you could hear him right now he is screaming so loud” or something to that effect and I’m not really a John whumper but oh boy the thought of John fighting as hard as he could to try and get control back because he wants to help Ronon rlly adds to the experience

After atlantis flies and John is going around checking the damage and he finds Ronon with the shard of glass in his shoulder juts the way he kneels down next to him is so soft and his voice goes soft too its great

I haven’t gotten there yet but ohoho the enzyme episode where Ronon gets drugged and then has to go through withdrawal ohooho I may have watched that scene a few hundred times

I just love also how fiercely loyal Ronon is and how much he trusts them

That ep where those villagers were going to give them to the wraith and Ronon literally would rather die than let his friends be taken to the wraith I love how John and Teyla go through like  45 heart attacks that’s one of the ones I haven’t gotten to yet but ive  seen gifs and oh boy oh boy does it look good

The way I generally describe Ronon is he’s     like a bug fluffy dog. Like he’s kind of silly sometimes and he’s very     loyal and will kill without hesitation if it means keeping his friends     safe

Also just that whole scene when Ronon arrives     when John is asking Elizabeth if he can stay is just like a kid asking his     mom if he can keep a dog he found

And Ronon has such a sweet smile also I love it when hes happy (but also I love it when hes in pain)

Stargate Atlantis was very well directed because for most definitions of “good acting” you can see “oh this character is sad. Now they are happy” which I do understand that many people prefer  this because they have difficulty interpreting facial expressions but I absolutely adore how subtly expressive the actors are because to me it’s fascinating to decode what the character is feeling. They act like real people and talk in the way real people would and it seems super natural and not scripted, and you can just tell in their interactions that the characters care for each other a lot and its beautiful

Now that I’ve said something vaguely scholarly-like its time to move on to the mess of headcanons

Headcanons

So when rewatching season 2 with my sister I realized the amazing potential for angst involving Kell (his old commander who he killed) so in my mind even though he’s very loyal to John at first it was more of a “you saved my life now I’ll watch your back because I owe you” and he had difficulty trusting any of them but especially John this changes over time ofc but he can’t help being wary of command 

I also hc that Kell  would punish the soldiers in his division for being “unfit” for battle so like if they broke a leg or something they would be punished  (this is mostly just for my guilty pleasure of ANGST) so that way they     would “be more aware” of their surroundings and whatnot 

Also disobey direct  orders was a big no no and you know how laid back John usually is with  orders so the first time Teyla disobeyed a direct order after Ronon joined the team John was grumbling about it in a way Teyla knew wasn’t serious but Ronon just kind of panicked and started lying his ass off and saying he threatened her into doing it and he should take the punishment which led to an awkward conversation (awkward for Ronon, it left his teammates ready for some murdering)

He hides injuries  because he was alone for so long and never had anyone to take care of him so he just forgets that he has to mention it and in his mind some injuries might not be that bad 

Beckett is constantly  chasing him around after missions desperately trying to get him to hold  still for long enough to do a check

Ronon hates pain medicine because it tends to dull his senses so in his mind all the more  reason to avoid Beckett

He is really good friends with Beckett but just not when he’s hurt

Usually he wanders into the medbay after bad nightmares if Beckett is on night shift and will just sit there

One time he hesitantly asked if Beckett could check to make sure that the tracker was actually gone for good

Ronon was expecting to get laughed at but Beckett took the request with the upmost seriousness and ran all the tests he could think of to calm Ronon’s fear

One time Ronon stumbled into the medbay and he obviously hadn’t slept in a while and was flinching at every noise so Beckett made up an excuse to “take some blood to test and see if it would be compatible with vaccines for the common sicknesses  humans get” and just like. Sedated him. Ronon felt betrayed at first but quickly realized that Beckett only did it because he cared about him and wasworried. He did try to get more sleep after that tho

Oh and you can bet Beckett goes off at him if he ever ends up in the medbay which he does to everyone but  especially Ronon because usually he’s either dragged there or he’ll come  in like “yeah so three days ago for the last mission I got hit in the side and now I’m coughing up blood so…” and then will just like pass out

While he was a runner he trained himself to be a light sleeper so adjusting to Atlantis was difficult because the ocean would wake him up every night at first

Also thunderstorms are The Worst to him because 1. It gives him PTSD for when he was a soldier and the wraith were attacking and 2. When he was a runner thunderstorms were almost a death sentence because the wraith could track him but he couldn’t hide he couldn’t hear and he couldn’t see so yeah thunderstorms are real bad for him

He has a constant fear of leading the Wraith to his new home and his new family oh also I decided that he doesn’t know if his mother died or not so every place they go he’s hopeful he’ll see her

This is a hc I had before I knew it was basically canon but he and the team hang out in the cafeteria a lot especially after nightmares they just all gravitate there

Also I haven’t gotten here yet so I’m just going off of what I know but he kind of tried to leave after Beckett died because he managed to find a way to blame himself also one of my hcs is that Beckett would tell him  about Scotland all the time and had decided that if they ever got the opportunity to go to Earth then Ronon was coming to Scotland with him sooo     ehehhe the angst of Ronon going to earth for Beckett’s funeral and going     to Scotland with Beckett but not in the way either of them wanted

On to softer hcs just cuz

He loves hugs. 7 years of being alone would  make anyone want a hug.

Children gravitate to him for some reason. Logically it doesn’t make sense because he’s so big and a bit intimidating but children just adore him

He carries extra snacks for Rodney

He can’t swim. Somehow he went his entire life without knowing how to swim which Rodney is astounded by and goes on about it for a minute or so

John took it upon himself to give him swimming lessons. John was a terrible teacher but Ronon managed to get the idea

He loves cocoa, specifically loaded with marshmallows. Teyla jokes he likes the marshmallows more than the cocoa

Wow this has gone on so much longer than I thought it would

So that’s it! you unleashed the beast. I now demand to hear your thoughts on ronon because boy oh boy hes a great whumpee and im not sure ive met many if anyone who likes to whumpe him so im super excited!!

[kewltie]

izuku takes in a very big stray dog and he never had a dog before so he's excited because kacchan is so SMART while his friends are like,,, that's not a dog but izuku just keeps insisting otherwise IT’S A DOG while werewolf!katsuki doesnt know how this useless human managed to survive this long.

So izuku is actually an ordinary, boring human, there’s absolutely nothing special about him whatsoever, and has no clue about the supernatural world especially how like ALL his friends are like not HUMANS at all (i.e. ochako is a witch) and how they try extremely hard to have him remain oblivious and protected from the supernatural shenanigans but ofc it's izuku so they worry a lot lol! so even though his friends try to keep izuku away from it, the supernatural has ways of finding him anyway (i.e. all his friends are like witches, zombies, etc) then there’s katsuki, who come from a powerful shifter clan, practically landed in izuku's lap somehow and Izuku IS STILL thinks he just got lucky and has a new dog now.

the joke is izuku is 100% human with no special power at all except if the power is attracting weird shit to him?? because he's magnet for it since young like how his next door neighbor NEVER SEEM TO AGE AT ALL because he’s a vampire or how his ‘imaginary childhood friend’ is an actual literal ghost. so izuku got really hilariously messed up scale of what is 'normal' for him is TERRIBLY FUCKING FUCKED up for everyone else like when he was walking home one night and got attacked by this weird homeless kid out for his literal blood and izuku thinks it’s a new hallucinogenic i guess?? then he's saved by this BLOND DUDE WITH RED EYES WHO KINDA LOOK LIKE HIS DOG KACCHAN. The blond dude bit the kid's neck but the kid didn't seem to die so IT'S OKAY. the man then turned to izuku and started to YELLED AT IZUKU FOR NOT PAYING ATTENTION and BE MORE CAREFUL BEFORE DISAPPEARING.

instead of being totally WEIRD OUT AND TERRIFIED BY THIS, izuku is like starry eyes and thinks blond dude is hero that he raced home and cuddle his dog kacchan as he gushed about this AMAZING GUY HE MET EVEN THOUGH HE ALMOST DIED AND THIS WEIRD DUDE JUST BIT A KID'S NECK LIKE HE’S A RAGDOLL BUT SOMEHOW THE KID DIDN’T DIE,,,, lmao.

izuku being totally oblivious to all things supernatural and is very much a human, still get wrapped up in all sort of magical hijinks and it's hilarious how this poor human is constantly surrounded by this op ancient creatures of legend and izuku is like,,, that's my dog and that's MY FRIENDS. which is now rumor about him started in the supernatural community because izuku is always with one of his magical friends so other creatures who doesn't know IZUKU AT ALL assume he's like some ancient creature lost to history thousands of years ago to be able to tame all these powerful beings to him LOL but in reality they all gravitate to izuku because he's PURE OF HEART, JUST THE SWEETEST AND THEY JUST LOVE AND ADORE HIM BECAUSE HE'S GOODEST BOI and they try their best to keep him safe and away from other dangerous creatures of the community but ofc it's IZUKU he's trouble even as a human.

he get involve in shifters territory war but think it's some weird neighborhood fight going on?? and that kacchan fighting other dogs is just kacchan not getting along with other dogs esp the strays that keep popping up while katsuki does his best to keep izuku safe AND FIX THIS SHIT. THEN someone raised the dead and izuku thinks it's some weird communal disease going on that make ppl act FREAKY as his friends and katsuki to scramble to put down a necromancer before izuku become part of the undead but he's like IT'S FINE IM SUPER HEALTHY I WONT GET INFECTED LOL. supernatural things keeping on izuku and HE REMAINS STAUNCHANTLY OBLIVIOUS TO IT. most of it is intentional by his friends/katsuki but some part of it is just izuku being izuku but he may be 100% HUMAN but he's the center of all the CRAZINESS and they love him for it even as they despair.

katsuki doesnt know how he got stuck with this dumb human because he's DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW IZUKU SURVIVED THIS LONG without like getting eaten/kill already because HE KEEP ATTRACTING THE WORST KIND OF CREATURES TO HIM,,, so katsuki sticks around izuku just to make sure izuku is HUMAN just to keep an eye on izuku ya know?? because maybe izuku is hiding some ancient superpower within him or something because izuku CAN NOT BE THIS STUPID AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT HIS 'DOG' IS ACTUALLY A WOLF AND NOT EVEN THAT BUT A WEREWOLF OK. like PLS PAY ATTENTION STUPID DEKU!!

katsuki comes from a lineage of ancient bloodline and superior species but THIS HUMAN IS LIKE STRESSING HIM OUT BECAUSE weird shits keep happening around him and it's a 24hrs job because he constantly have to keep an eye out for izuku unless he GET EATEN OR KILL OMFG. thanks to katsuki terrible anxiety about izuku's entire trouble magnet existence, rumor spread around the shifter community that izuku is THAT HUMAN – bakugou's pet human!! so they should be careful around him because bakugou will blow his shit if someone hurt or damage him at all.

so izuku finds himself surrounded by friendly animals wherever he go that when he got lost one time a cat led him back to the right path. another time a bird brought him back his lost keys etc and he thank the animal each time while the shifter is like,,, GOD THIS HUMAN IS FREAKY because HE'S UNFAZED BY IT ALL no wonder bakugou is keeping him AROUND obviously this human got some special power to him that bakugou is keeping protected so one day he can use this human as a weapon to dominate the supernatural fractions war or something AND that's how izuku accidentally become a legend in shifter community LMAO.

katsuki doesnt spend like all his time as izuku's lapdog because KACCHAN is so smart that he comes and goes from izuku's house all the time that izuku isn't worry that his dog sometimes disappear for days and return home whenever he want because he'd seen kacchan took down a bear ONCE and kacchan is super smart that izuku swears kacchan can sometimes understand him. he also doesn't find it weird that the blond dude who is call katsuki has a similar name to his dog and how katsuki pop it anytime izuku needs help, yell at him after checking that's he's 110% alright, and then disappear like some weird superhero but who only save IZUKU LOL.

izuku has the HUUUUUGEST crush on his hero and spend 40% of his time gushing it to his friends who is all concerned and is like pls pls bakugou is THE WORST STAY AWAY FROM HIM and the rest of it complaining to kacchan about katsuki while katsuki SUFFERS through the cuddles. katsuki and the dekusquad can't stand each other because katsuki is from the supernatural fraction that hates human and think they should live separately and well, izuku’s friends aren’t from that fraction obviously BUT they're united in reluctance unity in keeping izuku out of trouble AND SAFE and it's the GREATEST ALLIANCE EVER. is it an extremely tough job that take a lot of ppl to do apparently lmao but they're unified in that regard because izuku may be human and has no POWER whatsoever but he's the center of their world and they just want to keep him safe, OBVIOUS and HAPPY. he got the best PPL AROUND HIM!

[roughentumble]

I'm almost afraid to ask...

What are your werewolf au ideas?

GSHBDKSND oh its not horny or anything its just like. kind of angsty, but like, in that way where sometimes angsty daydreams are fun, you know?? like

ok its like a geraskier thing cuz im a one trick pony, but basically geralt gets cursed, three nights a month he goes all wolfy. he's an intelligent werewolf with pretty great self control, BUT he's like, ridiculously worried that he's gonna snap and hurt people. (he's not, but, you know, he's had to put down werewolves for that before, and he's not a man with a lot of faith in himself, So.)

uhhhh i cant remember how jaskier finds out tbqh, but after traveling together a while, it comes to light, and jaskier is of course very "its just you, im not scared, and im not judging you." they hang out, they figure things out, and geralt starts to relax.

so all the time he's been cursed, he hasnt gone back to kaer morhen-- its only been a year or two, but still. he feels like they'd know right away, he's worried they'd just put him down, he doesnt think they should get used to "monsters in the keep", he just feels Real Bad about it, but jaskier convinces him that this is his family, they'd understand, and they must miss him.

geralt agrees, eventually, goes up to kaer morhen with jaskier in tow.

but once they get there, he just... totally refuses to explain anything. none of the other witchers have sussed out that something's wrong(other than jaskier's hushed whispering about how geralt should "just tell them, they'd understand")

geralt's genius solution is, he'll just sleep outside three nights a month, he'll bring blankets and his fur will protect him. jaskier doesnt like it, but he's not about to tell geralt's secret, and he cant bodily drag a werewolf inside, so. his only condition is that he gets to sit outside with geralt for a bit, cuddle with him n' such. their excuse is that theyre gross love birds who are going out for moonlight picnics. everyone buys this, partially because its sort of true, partially cuz no one wants to walk in(or out) on them fucking.

it actually works the first trio of nights, to jaskier's surprise, but the 4th night they try they arent so lucky-- they forget something inside(a bottle of wine, a blanket, who knows) and eskel is like "i'll fall on my sword, be the one to bring it out to the happy couple". he steps outside, and what does he see?

a gigantic werewolf pinning jaskier to the ground.

bit of a frenzy after that, eskel attacking and shouting for backup, trying to keep the werewolf in sight while also looking for geralt, getting between the monster and jaskier while jaskier shouts-- eventually jaskier gets through to him though. thats geralt, dont hurt him, its geralt.

geralt isnt saying anything though(despite the fact he's perfectly capable of it, even transformed), and eskel sortve misunderstands. doesnt really get that this has been a long-term affliction, and assumes this is the first transformation. so with geralt not responding, eskel says "not right now it isnt," and gets his hands on one of the training blades they keep in the courtyard.

more chaos-- everyone's outside now, jaskier is absolutely not having any of it but also three grown witchers versus one bard isnt much of a fight, no one's listening to him, and geralt's just pinning himself against the wall like a prey animal and not saying anything.

jaskier proves just enough of a distraction that geralt manages to hop a wall, takes off into the woods. jaskier is calling after him, while the three remaining witchers each make a gameplan(STILL not listening to jask). after a moment, jaskier darts and weaves and makes it just out of their grasp, so they've got a werewolf AND a bard loose in the woods in the dead of both night and winter, which. Bad.

eskel goes after geralt, vesemir stays behind because they need someone in the keep, and lambert's on bard wrangling duty. lambert doesnt have much trouble finding jaskier, but he does have trouble keeping a hold on him, because he's worried about breaking his tiny human limbs(and also he's wearing a lot of thick layers, which he has no compunctions about ripping to shreds to get out of lambert's grip.) he loses a boot and a sleeve to the ongoing tussle, as he keeps slipping out and darting away. lambert even tries axii, but the biggest trick to getting out of axii is just training a lot to resist it, so geralt and him'd run through that a long time ago, so his response is to go fake-limp, then kick lambert in the dick and run off into the night with one shoe.

lambert is extremely annoyed. its not jaskier's best plan.

he finds the cave that geralt had backed himself into by some miracle, and also because eskel'd made no efforts to hide his tracks and there are currently shouts coming from the cave. jaskier gets himself inbetween the two of them and refuses to budge. geralt's still pulling the silent routine, ears pinned back, looking like a kicked dog, and eskel's trying to coax jaskier away from the "monster".

lambert comes bursting in as well, pissed and sore, but stays near the entrance, the four of them locked in a sort of stalemate. the three of them argue about what to do, but jaskier is shivering because of his wrecked coat. eventually geralt breaks his silence to rumble out a worried "yourrr fingerrrs..."

(werewolves roll their 'r's in tw3. dont ask me why, just go with it.)

eskel and lambert are stunned into silence, and jaskier is immediately turning towards geralt, letting him fret and dote on him. slips his arm inside his jacket so his fingers dont fall off-- lets geralt wrap a giant, warm paw around his foot to get some heat back into it.

lambert's like "wait, so you CAN fucking talk?????"

it all got escalated way out of hand, partially because of eskel's reaction, but also because geralt was too ashamed to stand up for himself-- thought maybe they were a little bit right. was basically just going to curl up and let it happen, which he admits with some gentle prodding, and leaves eskel looking sick.

jaskier, though, is absolutely nuclear levels of pissed, because he was explaining everything, even how he'd known for months, and that geralt was perfectly safe to be around, but all the non werewolf witchers were just tuning him out. and geralt nearly died because of it. so he's, like-- he's unspeakably angry at all three of them.

eventually, they do all four make their way back to the keep(geralt carrying jaskier cuz he's still missing a boot), and explain everything one more time for vesemir. everyone looks pretty ragged, because it was a lot of drama very suddenly late at night.

geralt still hesitates in the doorway of the main hall, says he'll make the keep smell like monsters, that it's dangerous, but jaskier just gently encourages him inside and they curl up together in front of the hearth, nice and warm.

from there its little bits and pieces of geralt showing his werewolfy-er side, like dragging in a deer one night to devour raw by the fire. (he looks bashful about it, but jaskier insists its a part of their routine on the road, helps geralt clean his muzzle afterword.) and jaskier slowly encouraging geralt to relax, come deeper into the keep, curl up in a real bed.

jaskier gets less mad, but never quite gets over the fact that geralt's family proved his fears right. geralt gets less ashamed, but never fully sheds his anxieties about being allowed inside. everyone else gets less tense, but never quite sheds the shame of nearly killing their brother in arms while he was fully cognizant-- or quite comfortable with a "monster in the keep". it's still their first winter, tho, so with any luck things will someday get smoothed out.

[the porny ending is that geralt knots all three of them and this wildly smooths over any remaining tensions, but thats just a little fun off-shoot, not the Official Daydream Ending]