#also my Medication isnt really letting me have Emotions

[regularbeans]

wait i said i wouldnt get ellie's tattoo if the tlou show turned out to be bad

so ig it has eight more episodes to convince me not to get it!

[t0ast-ghost]

So the thing is I wasn’t going to comment on the sixth episode. I just got home from a hella good play and I’m tired so I relax with Star Trek but holy shit

What IS that

With that HELLO and welcome to my first thoughts on the sixth episode (The Enemy Within) of the original Star Trek series

Here we go:

- that is a fucking dog

- IS THAT BLOOD?!? On Star Trek???

- so he got transporter cloned.. WHY IS HIS FACE LIKE THAT THO

- I like the fact it’s told a bit in retrospect, like it starts off with the star date and saying that at the time they didn’t know he got cloned

- MCCOY! His friendliness and then the “I have no sympathy for clumsiness” bro wha

- DONT YELL AT MCCOY

- McCoy not knowing what to do about Jim so he goes to Spock lol

- what the fuck is that fuckin thing, it’s rabid man.

- anytime someone is holding the creature there is literally no reason for them to be holding it. Like Kirk is just holding it and then HANDS IT TO SPOCK.. WHY IS THIS NORMAL NOW

- so do people casually just sit on tables here? First we had McCoy, now Spock. Is it just science/medical officers?

- Vulcan nerve pinch for the win

- POV your boyfriends are deeply concerned for your wellbeing (side note: bones looks so soft in the first pic. He cares so much)

- “you have a point, Spock.” “Yes. Always, doctor” STOP FLIRTING

- “If I seem insensitive to what you are going through, you must understand it’s the way I am.” HE SAYS THIS WITH ALL THE CARE IN THE DAMN WORLD. Spock is the most emotional character I have ever seen

- uh oh the circuits

- nooo Sulu! Do they not have better cold protection?

- YEAH I HOPE YOU’RE IN PAIN FUCKER

- so I think what they’re trying to promote is the idea that there’s the kind and indecisive side and the animalistic “sinful” side that has all the impulses and power to make decisions and together they work so that the former side can calm the latter to be more… civilized?

- “god forbid I have to agree with Spock” they’re married and you cannot convince me otherwise

- was that dog okay? Like it was really fuckin angry at something

- HES DEAD JIM MOMENT! WE HAVE A HES DEAD JIM MOMENT

- “for once I agree with you, doctor” THEY ARE MARRIED

- Spock is so riled up rn (every time he shows emotion I’m commenting on it because I think he is so so emotional but then his whole thing is he isn’t)

- SPOCK YOUR LOGIC ISNT LOGICING (having a human half and Vulcan half I think is a bit different than literally being split into two people, but what do I know)

- they are literally the angel and devil on his shoulder, but married, and also in love with him

- what no no bring Sulu back. That was such a good delivery of lines I am so

- this episode shows the power imbalance between Kirk and Janice and that messaging could be more powerful if they really wanted. Like showing how Janice felt forced to say she was okay with it and wouldn’t tell anyone because it was the captain I feel was a big step to take in the 60s (because it was rarely if ever talked about especially on tv) but it still wasn’t enough and was treated horribly in the end. They brush off her experience and also let Kirk be near her which is not okay. I know they wouldn’t but I wish they’d actually addressed the fact that Kirk can pretty much get away with anything and the crew wouldn’t/couldn’t stop him unless they deem it truly necessary (which would be way to far)

- I think the Kirk stuff could be more impactful

- some of those close ups on Kirk are crazy

- Bones is so damn worried about him in the transporter room

- SPOCK IS STRESSED AND HE HESITATES

- “the imposters back where he belongs, forget him” but isn’t the thing is that he is you? Like he’s still there and apart of you, Kirk

Okay, that’s episode six. I don’t have much more to say about this episode.

Ep 1

All other episodes

[paingoes]

Rubies

Communication

authors note: kitty uses the word ‘nonverbal’ here in a way that isnt really medically accurate. thats kind of a whole discussion im not gonna get into now but tl;dr delta has selective mutism and autism but he isnt “nonverbal” per se.

(Content: living weapon whumpee, discussion of past captivity, past abuse, discussion of war, (internalized) abuse apologism, dehumanization, emotional whump)

================

katkittykat: hiiiiii :3c

nodiving: hey

He glanced over the top of his laptop screen, across the room where Kitty was curled up on the armchair. She flashed her teeth at him when she smiled. Her nails clicked against the keys when she typed.

katkittykat: this is so smart lowk idk why i didnt think of it sooner

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: i’ve seriously been drafting forum arguments in my head this entire time

nodiving: all of them probably think they won just cause i termed

nodiving: would it be weird if i just pick them back up like nothing happened

katkittykat: ya u might have to let those go tbh

nodiving: :/

It was very hard to type with the cast on. It took him much longer to write than it normally would. Luckily, she didn’t interrupt until she heard the typing stop.

katkittykat: so like whats the deal w u

katkittykat: are u not talking cause ur scared to?

nodiving: no

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: its not that im scared necessarily its just that its very very unnatural for me 

nodiving: it still feels rude and overfamiliar to me even if i know you dont see it that way

nodiving: this is a lot easier thank you

katkittykat: you dont have to talk if it’s uncomfortable !!!

katkittykat: its cool if ur nonverbal we can just keep texting like dis

nodiving: i think i do want to though

nodiving: its just hard

nodiving: please dont like…stop talking to me

nodiving: im trying

katkittykat: u will have to deal w us talking to u FUREVER !!!! >:3c

nodiving: <3

katkittykat: aaaaaaaah <33333

He hesitated a long time before typing the next message.

nodiving: do you think i should have stayed

katkittykat: what???? D:

nodiving: on a purely strategic level it seems like this was not the most optimal outcome

katkittykat: urghhhh 

katkittykat: well on a ~purely strategic level~ im not the best person to ask tbh

katkittykat: like im ngl galatea was NOT prepared for sudden reunification and thats why levon is so pissed at us X)

katkittykat: but it would have been hard no matter what and if the war had gone on we wouldve had to fight along 2 different fronts which is also noooooot good

katkittykat: and if we had to do that. we would have had to fight you! which would have been v v v not good  X(

katkittykat: so idk if there was really a better outcome? and even if there was like

katkittykat: its not ur problem

katkittykat: ur not just a chess piece to be moved around

nodiving: i kind of am though

nodiving: theres obviously been a huge fallout because of this and it feels wrong to write all of it off just because of. my rights or whatever.

nodiving: i feel like i kind of jumped the gun leaving when i did

katkittykat: aw jeez :(

katkittykat: i was curious abt that tbh i assumed there was some final straw for u but i didnt wanna pry obvs

katkittykat: seems like it was bad ?

nodiving: i dont know 

nodiving: i was more scared by the escalation it represented than anything that actually happened so i feel like i may have overreacted a little bit

nodiving: its hard to explain

katkittykat: ur ok! u can talk abt it when ur ready

katkittykat: but fwiw i really doubt you overreacted

nodiving: thank you

katkittykat: if anythin u seem to be kinda? downplaying it????

nodiving: it really wasnt that bad

nodiving: i could have gone longer

katkittykat: idk delta it kinda seems that bad

katkittykat: i think u got used to it

katkittykat: but that doesnt mean it wasnt bad

He gave her a nervous glance from across the room, his hands stilling on the keyboard. He reluctantly began to type again.

nodiving: did you say i didnt have to talk about it

katkittykat: yes!!!! mb

katkittykat: do u wanna play league omg we actually have time now

nodiving: yessssss

===========

nodiving: hi

sunspot: Hi Delta!!!! :)

sunspot: How are you !!!!

nodiving: im ok

nodiving: im sorry i was such a dick to you before 

nodiving: i was looking at the old messages again i feel really bad

sunspot: No you’re totally good! We were being really pushy i get why you were upset

sunspot: We were just worried for you honestly even when we didnt know you that well

sunspot: It was scary when you would just disappear for weeks at a time like that

sunspot: We just wanted to make sure you were safe

sunspot: Still do!

nodiving: thank you 

nodiving: i was scared too

nodiving: can i ask you something

sunspot: Yes please!!!! Yes I thought youd never ask!!!!

nodiving: is levon going to kill me

sunspot: Oh no

sunspot: He explicitly promised me not to

sunspot: Delta please do not tell me you have been worrying about that this entire time

nodiving: it stood out as a distinct possibility 

sunspot: Didnt he promise he wouldnt hurt you?

nodiving: yes

nodiving: you understand why i may be a bit hesitant to take him at his word

sunspot: Yes I guess thats our bad 

sunspot: But i really don’t think he wants that for you

sunspot: Do you think he’d wait for you to heal just to kill you at the end?

nodiving: not sure

sunspot: That was rhetorical! The answer was no.

nodiving: then what

sunspot: a good question

sunspot: I wish I had an answer for you and I really cant apologize enough for putting you in this situation but I'm afraid it could get very messy for a little while

nodiving: messy how

sunspot: In the broadest possible terms

sunspot: They dont really know what to do with you

sunspot: So that is something we are all going to have to figure that out together

=============

LEVON: Kitty.

LEVON: How are you, my sweet?

KITTY: omg hiiiiiii

KITTY: im rlly good actually things r rlly good!

LEVON: Any progress?

KITTY: ya i think so :)

KITTY: hes opening up a little hes still like. v v shy in person? but not as scared i dont think 

KITTY: hes very polite

LEVON: Poor thing.

LEVON: Does he have sensory issues? I hear that’s a big thing with psychics.

KITTY: ummm yeah hes v twitchy. i think he gets his signals crossed a lot but idk if hes aware of it? he just gets all hackle-y at literally nothing sometimes

LEVON: Interesting.

KITTY: how are things back there

LEVON: Well, it’s a shitshow. You’ll find out soon.

KITTY: eek

KITTY: um can i tell u smth

LEVON: Of course.

KITTY: i dont think hes ready yet 

LEVON: You have the rest of the month.

KITTY: no even then i just dont think hes gonna be ready

KITTY: he needs more time

LEVON: I feel like I’ve been more than generous in letting you keep an unsupervised superweapon(!) in your house for two months without disturbance 

LEVON: I’m not saying I’m going to put him through the ringer or anything but he does need to come back to base.

LEVON: You’re coming with him, so I don’t see what the issue is.

KITTY: will we b able to see him then :?

LEVON: Sure.

KITTY: can he room w me :3c

LEVON: Nope.

KITTY: why D:

LEVON: Security reasons. 

KITTY: levon :(

LEVON: This isn’t coming from me.

KITTY: but ur the boss!!!!

LEVON: Yes, but this isn’t an absolute monarchy. I’m still obligated to follow protocol and I’m obligated to listen to other members of the council.

LEVON: Who I should add, are a LOT less okay with this than I am. 

KITTY: ok i get all that but listen like

KITTY: i dont think u understand how fragile he is rn

LEVON: I think you may actually be underestimating him.

KITTY: uh wat do u mean by that

LEVON: He’s held his own within Empire for nineteen years. That’s not for the weak. He can handle a little strain.

KITTY: lol is that what u call it

KITTY: a little strain?

LEVON: Relatively speaking, yes. I’ll do what I can to make it painless for him. Personally, I think he’s innocent.

KITTY: he IS innocent

LEVON: Can you prove it?

KITTY: ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

LEVON: That file you sent me. You made it, didn’t you? You’ve seen what’s on there? The casualty count?

KITTY: but thats not his fault!

LEVON: And I agree with you. But that’s what we’re going to have to establish. 

KITTY: but i dont want him to :(((

LEVON: What you want is not necessarily the basis upon which the courts operate.

==========

katkittykat: doing ok????

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: in my room

katkittykat: what do u do in there

nodiving: kinda just been sleeping a lot

nodiving: im really tired all the time i dont know why

nodiving: i didnt use to be

katkittykat: ur sleep debt is probably insaneeeeeee that why

nodiving: yeah

nodiving: im sorry that im like this btw

katkittykat: u dont need to apologize for resting bby theres nothing 2 b sorry for

nodiving: not just that i mean everything

nodiving: i know im not normal 

katkittykat: u rlly rllllly dont need to worry abt that around us i promise we r all freak bitches

katkittykat: i like talking to u tho and i think its ok if u dont realylly feel “normal” right now u dont need to b

katkittykat: u can just b urself and if u dont know who that is rn thats fine too becuz u have the rest of ur life to figure it out

katkittykat: i will still want to hang out w you anyway <3

It took a long time for him to respond. She thought he may have fallen asleep again.

nodiving: why are you being so nice to me

Her turn to hesitate. That was more of an Apollo question — he could explain it ad nauseam. She didn’t know what answer she could possibly give him, if he even really wanted one. 

There was so little she knew about Delta. Each glimpse she got of what his life had been like painted a worse picture of it. They always said he’s been through a lot when anyone asked; it was a convenient euphemism for a whole array of issues. He tried so hard to play his cards close it to his chest. It felt like a betrayal then, the way the signs slipped through. 

nodiving: you dont have to be

She frowned as she slowly tapped at the keyboard.

katkittykat: i wanna be tho

katkittykat: cause i like u

katkittykat: <3

Another moment of silence. She braced herself. There was no way she could try and unpack all of that herself. She hoped she would not have to. She would do it wrong.

nodiving: <3

…………

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety

[fall0utmind]

Ch 5

This was sooo good

Don't worry, take all the time you need to finish the chapters (if you want to talk you can always message me if you want)

Anyway

he hates vulnerability. The only thing his friends can do is sit with him during the fallout.

Marc, please just let them take care of you like you deserve

It’s not your fault, germà. I would take all your pain if I could.”

My god🥹 I love them so fucking much their bond is something else

Marc Marquez, when choosing between not riding or traumatic memories, he’ll always choose the emotional anguish

Every time

Finally some bonding between him and Pecco love to see that(and Bez too of course) plus them finally seeing some light about Marc's side of the situation

The only way Marc is that open is cause he's high as a kite😂 seems about right

Dovquez😏😏😏

Love the somewhat bonding between him and jlo

the quiet beginnings of doubt about their unquestioned deity. It’s difficult to reconcile Vale, their selfless teacher and friend, to Valentino Rossi, who had a rivalry with Marc so fierce the younger had been left picking up the pieces. The Marc in front of them is not the dangerous, deceiving rider they were taught about. This Marc looks at his brother and friends like they hold the universe; he is strong but soft around the edges. He is funny and unabashed in his affection. He loves fiercely and is loved unconditionally in return, a true sign of his character

FINALLY.SEEING.SOME.LIGHT

About time they realise who Marc really is😐

What the fuck is going on?”

😏😏😏

I'm soooo excited for next chapter, this really got me on the edge of my seat

Will be waiting patiently of course 🙇

The confrontation (??) with Vale is gonna hit like crack

Especially with all of them there

I really hope someone yells at him(and one of the academy boys stand up to him if(when) he says something out of pocket (also want to see some jealous Vale)

Thank you!!! Your support means a lot!!

Marc 🫱🏼‍🫲🏽 hating vulnerability and being seen as weak.

It's a common theme can you tell??

Also, one thing about me, every fic I write, will have marc and Alex being codependent besties/ brothers!!! I absolutely love the idea behind that. Especially cause irl they are so codependent.

Honestly I was like, how can we make Marc open up? Ah yes let's just use medication as a plot device and have him high and being emotional cause he can't mask it. My guy is deep in the trenches of hiding it all!!!

More pecco, bez, Marc (and all the academy) bonding to come!!!

Yes I need everyone to have that realisation. MARC ISNT EVIL. Yes he's a little shit but no he's not the worst person to exist!!!

So excited for you guys to read the next chapter. I hope you will like it

They all yell. So much yelling. All the yelling.

All of the above is included so that's a good start.

Thank you again for coming to chat 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[xdesiress]

IT IS ABOUT TIME!!

I will be listing some byi and dnis here, besides some side informations. I'd highly appreciate you reading it if you're new to this blog!

So to not clog, everything will be under the cut.

Greetings you may refer to me as Desireè, Desires, or Galaxy, a Brazilian artist who's birthday is at the 9th of March :)

/I/ use mainly he/they pronouns. I do not mind what you refer to me as, but I'd appreciate these two most.

My Instagram account is mainly for cosplaying now, and SCPTale is used for an SCP x Undertale crossover project I'm working on with a very close friend of ours.

I also have a TikTok but only post MLP content there as of the moment. I DONT USE ANY OTHER SOCIALS. DO NOT TRUST ANY THAT ISNT LISTED HERE.

I like SCP, zombie media, Dark Deception, Skullgirls, Minecraft, Monster High, My Little Pony and more.

I have a Discord server for friends and moots that is SCP themed, anyone is free to join so long as you message me privately for a link! We tend to play games, watch movies/series or draw together in Voice Chats a lot, sometimes we just talk and info dump to each other.

⚠️ I don't mind my Art being used for PFPs BUT YOU MUST CREDIT ME. ⚠️

If I've known you or followed you for a longer while you are free to ask to just add me there and not join the server itself, I don't mind it either. I'd love more buddies to talk to.

Asks are likely to be always open as well as my PMs unless something dire happens, so feel free to shoot a message anytime! I don't bite!

At that.. feel free to ask these Alagadda goobers ;)

_______

DO NOT :

- Reblog my artwork with hate. (Ex; specific character praising and bashing another one involved. I deeply love all the characters I draw and it really saddens me when I see that happen.)

- Ship my Rubedo with Nigredo.

- Whitewash my characters.

- Tag my work with Br/ght. Refer to the BYI section for insight.

- 049-J hate. Just don't, please.

BYI :

- As someone with new access to psychiatrists and medications, I am still trying to figure out just what exactly affects us. It is important to note that the i take BPD and Depression meds and as well am on a list for possible ADHD and Autism. Mood outbursts and unintentional blindness to how I speak is bound to happen and not intentional. Please, let me know if I accidentally say something hurtful.

- Despite having taught myself English for 2 to 3 years it is still not the best and I don't know a lot. Have patience with my grammar and be polite. I am also learning French and Spanish and on the same page in those regards.

- People who still use Br/ight, I /gen won't block you or anything. You can talk to me and everything. But please do not tag my work with his name! Only THEN will I take any action, especially if it's under artwork I make of any of my friends' versions.

- I would likely prefer that people under 15 don't interact with my blog, unless I already know you and you already follow me for a longer time. Then you're chill! I won't block you or anything, it's moreso for your own good than anything, really.

- Talk to me about my hyperfixations and I'll love you for YEARS.

DO NOT INTERACT :

- If you think I owe you explanations about my personal life. What I want to speak of freely I will, what I don't, I won't.

- Basic DNI criteria.

- You hate on furries 'just because'. I'm not one, but I'm not ignorant to people just having fun.

- If you partake on discourse every second of your life and try to drag me into it. I don't have the emotional stability to deal with that type of stuff.

- If you plan on acting like a jerk and drastically change my character designs into something that erases their traits.

MORE TO BE ADDED SOON.

[drakkonyan]

Who are your OCs?

KSJAJDJAJKAAA I CAN TALK ABOUT THEM THANKS!!!!!!

My main fellas come all em with a LOT of world building, but I'll try to synthetaze it as much as I can! Tldr: they all come from different dimensions with different vibes and biology (one of em is like a medieval fantasy land, one is like a scify robot land, etc etc) and there is some sort of past war-hostility between all em.

First I'll talk bout Mawla. She is the oldest one I've created, but also the one with the best defined personality for now. Basically she was originally an orphan taken by the government to experiment in, as a way to research protesis and quick DNA alteration to use for medical purposes in the upcoming war. Once they where done with her she got cryogenizised for further study and learning material by medical students. But after several years (once war was rather settled) she somehow escaped. All those process had a toll on both her body and mind of course, so she became rather cold and mostly non-verbal as a result to all that. The only thing that kinda helped her heal was meeting who she calls her brother, Ray.

Which speaking of, he was originally an experimental medic AI applied to a soldier robot to heal and rescue individuals the government considerated of interest, but he became revelious because like, war and such. So he ran out, not without his body getting hurt. Fortunately he is a robot so he can just like, rebuild himself with scrap parts and such. He just wandered around without too much purpose for several decades until he found Mawla and they both helped eachother.

Then on the completely oposite side of the multuverse there's Fritz, who is some sort of totem-elemental golem creature-thing. Basically his species is called elementals, which are born when a soul is forced to reincarnate into a body and then imbued with some sort of natural element a la pokemon style. He was originally created to be used as a beast-weapon for the war, but was then rescued by his adoptive father, who was a blacksmith mage. He was eventually killed under mysterious circunstance and thus Fritz had to to escape since the government considered his species too dangerous to be let free (as wizards would usually create them and threat them as beast to be tamed and kept under their control rather than actual individuals) he went around for a while until he met Kass

And finally about her. Kass is part of a colony settled in what is like a middle space between the 3 main dy mentions. It's like a dead space between em 3 that isnt reclaimed by any of them, so several opositors from all of them settled there and eventually became a wasted land. She was part of a small village that got burned down by bandits. She went out living from what she could get and kinda becoming a bountyhunter until she met Fritz, they became professional partners and then met Mawla and Ray, who joined them.

I really don't know what most of this is but this is my most planned out and complex story I've made so I keep it around and I'll eventually make something outta it because like, hell, look at all of what I already have written, plus all of the world building not included, several support character and strangled family members from each all of em and several parallels that I wanna pan out more. Like the fact that they all where created rather as tools to be used and discarted rather than as people with emotions and feelings and the such. Several relationships, plot twist, that kinda thing. So even if yeah a medieval story with dragons that also is an alien scify and a furry contemporary story and a cyberpunk-wasteland survival of the strongest a la fall out sounds farfetched, it's my story so I'll tell it some day.

Also both Fritz and Ray have that "acts ad thinks like a kid but it's actually a 5000 year old dragon" except they both are young adults. That's basically a plot device for me to have both characters that knew their world before the war, characters that lived said war and characters that lived the consecuencies of the war. But putting 3 whole characters in the freezer was kinda convenient so instead I did this. May change it so they did have like a time skip (like making ray get turn off for certain time? Idk) but I'll have to think of it.

Also making them both long-lived allows me to make them survive their loved ones for centuries for extra angst nyehehehehe >¦}

Thanks for giving me a space to yap bout em! Ik this is my blog but sometimes the current hyperfix takes me by the throat and I need external input for me to come back to my kiddos :)

[thewanderingace]

I need advice.

I'm thinking about applying for a job at the museum I used to work at and I don't know if it's a stupid idea or not.

Background info:

It's been over 4 years since I worked there and I left (I was not fired) because of a combination of things. Mostly to finish grad school and being incredibly frustrated over management decisions which made life really hard. I worked at this place for 5 years. I loved the work, the museum atmosphere, and most of my coworkers but management was awful and their decisions made life so hard for us all. I think 5 people left during the same month I did.

I still have a friend who work there that I talk to regularly and they said I'm remembered fondly. When she leaves to hang out with me several people ask about me and want to say hi. I left on good terms with those who still work there. Plus this place rehires all the time so it wouldn't be unusual for me to go back. Heck my friend worked there, left for a few years to work somewhere else, then came back.

The job is essentially the same thing I did when I worked there before. Less cashiering, more walking. I was a sales associate. This is more like a gallery interpreter/security guard. So it's not exactly a great career move but I already know the job and the building so theres no need to train me really and that level of comfort would be super for my anxiety. And it's part time which is what I want (why is it so hard to find part work that isn't retail nowadays!) Even if the pay is garbage (which it will be) it's still better than the nothing I make now.

In the 5 years since I've left I have not gotten another job. 1 year was spent in grad school. Then covid hit and at the same time my brother got really sick (unrelated to covid) and I was his primary caregiver for 2 and a half years. Now all I've been able to get in my field is volunteer positions and my mental health has not been good enough for anything else. Like 2019 and 2020 was very bad and I'm still recovering from everything that happened to me then. Job pickings are also TERRIBLE right now. Especially in my field. I can't even find jobs to apply for let alone apply and get rejected.

So basically do I go back to a job I left that is not considered an upword career move? To a place that was rather difficult at times and I don't know if it'll be any better? I kinda think I've changed and can just go to work, do the job, come home and not give a shit about anything else. I couldn't do that before. I got too invested in the place.

I need to ask my friend who works there what the environment is like. That might help.

I'm basically at the point where I want to make a little money doing something I enjoy that isnt too stressful. That was basically the definition of my job there previously. I'm not as interested I'm a big career as I once was and I can't do full time for reasons. I'm tired. I don't want to work but I want money. I want to not hate my job. I want to work only a few days a week. I don't want to be in charge of anything or anyone. I want to be left alone for most of the day. And I'm really tired of being broke. This job was all of that. I know my mom and my sister (who both worked at this place with me btw. Long story) have told me to stay far away from this place. To not go back. That they'd rather continue to support me while I find something else than let me go back there. But they definitely have bias and negative emotions attached to this place. I do too a bit but not to their extent and they've both been able to find work on their fields (library and medical). My mom especially was treated really badly by management multiple times.

God I don't know what to do! Any advice would be great. Do I apply? Do I keep looking? I don't know what to do!

[non-plutonian-druid]

Sex repulsed asexual AFABs, birth control, and "what the fuck am i supposed to do about that anyway?"

This isnt going to be answering that question. because i dont have one, and also im not even a little qualified to answer it. I'm just going to be talking about a gaping hole in every single resource I've ever seen about reproductive health, and why it bothers me that the hole is there.

(I dont talk on my blog much, and when I do its not usually serious or TMI, but hi there! this is serious. and maybe TMI.)

So first of all, for those of you in the audience who are not sex repulsed asexual AFABs, I'm going to walk you through the experience of reading resources on birth control when you are one.

You read a pamphlet or an article or a blog post about the options that exist for birth control. This is already a privilege, because many AFAB people have little or no access to any information about their own reproductive health. The pamphlet or article or blog post talks about birth control pills, or getting an IUD, the arm implant, patches, and so on. You say, "Cool. Is this something I need to worry about at all?" The pamphlet or article or blog post does not answer because the pamphlet or article or blog post is written with the assumption that all of the people reading it will ever be in a situation where they would have sex willingly. Possibly in situations where they would have sex willingly, lots of times. And you never, ever will.

So you're kinda left to just.... guess?

Should you do some kind of birth control even though it costs money, and hormonal birth control changes your hormones (a minor change to your body, but still a change to your body), and might even involve surgery, when you're not even going to want to have sex, just because it's physically possible to get pregnant? That's probably safest, but it feels like a waste. Should you ignore it entirely because it's not going to apply to you of your own free will? Seems a little risky but why would you live your life wearing a bicycle helmet in case someone forces you to ride a bicycle? Is there some kind of in between?

I dunno. I don't have an answer. I don't think the medical community has one, because I don't think the medical community, as a force, realizes that there are people that exist who will never ever want to have sex. And thats like... a problem?

It's not even only sex repulsed asexual AFABs who this applies to. That's just the Most Emblematic demographic that I picked out, mostly because I am one. There are asexuals who aren't sex repulsed who would still never have sex, and there are people who aren't asexual who are still sex repulsed, or who for one reason or another don't ever want to have sex.

Individual medical practitioners would probably answer this question if you asked them, but WHAT would they answer, and would their answers really be based on what is best for people who are never going to have sex, or just what everyone else should do because "yeah they might change their mind", or whatever their own personal best judgement is?

Let me give you a hint: i am pretty sure that zero research has been done on the best way for sex repulsed asexual AFABs to engage with birth control that balances both practicality and risk of pregnancy, so it CANNOT be the first one. Research about what the first one even is doesn't exist.

So like what do we do!! There might be a very simple answer. But we don't know what it is!! Even over the course of writing this, I've swung wildly between "it's smartest to just bite the bullet" and "no why would you when sex isn't even something you do ever?"And the places I'm supposed to go to get reliable information can't help me because they don't know I exist.

And this brings me to the more emotional, less practical section of my essay-rant, because the thing that I've been dancing around this whole time, which you might have picked up on, is the fact that the only time birth control for us would ever be useful is in case of rape.

Any birth control that you give to someone who can get pregnant but would never ever have sex willingly is in case of rape. If its a pill, they're taking the pill every day and every day it's because someone might rape them. If they're getting something surgically implanted, they're having that surgery to prevent pregnancy if someone rapes them. And for no other reason.

Hey, making decisions about the internal pieces of your body literally only because someone might rape you... sucks! it sucks to be thinking about and it is the ONLY thing for us to be thinking about. Other people who take birth control... it would protect them in case of rape but at least usually for them its intended purpose is for sex they want.

Thinking about birth control when all you would use it for is rape blows lol

[syrips]

hey mini reminder that if you dont feel like your medication is working it's okay to keep speaking with professionals and trying different treatments until you find one that 'clicks' with you

i was on prozac for 2-3 months and it was okay but felt like it wasnt really clicking at all for me. so i told my psychiatrist and he was like 'yea so that's kinda weird. let's change your treatment'

then i moved over to zoloft with IOP and oh my GOD i can SLEEP. i can TASTE food. i can FEEL the warmth of the sun on my face. i can SMELL the grass and trees in the air. i can SEE how bright color is. everything is beautiful. i sing and happy stim without me even realizing it sometimes. music is even more beautiful. people are so precious and lovely. and i didnt realize these changes until i looked back. until other friends told me how i seem much more in peace.

yet, my mind kept saying, 'is it even working?' SO. i started (and i recommend) using a google docs/mental health journal (i know, cliche but it helps) to document how you feel and function, at least for 1-4 months when changing/starting treatments, until you can be aware of the changes or growth (or lack of) itself. doesnt have to be expensive, can use notepad or anything. just something to document it.

it makes me sad when i see people posting memes or vents about how their medication isnt working. and like, i know, maybe it isnt doing enough or maybe it's frustrating because you just want to feel in peace. (but on a side note being frustrated is also an emotion that you can/should talk to a professional about) but like, dont give up, keep trying, be vocal about it, keep speaking until a professional listens and helps you in that way that it 'clicks'. it may be medication, treatment, or some combination of stuff. keep trying until you find your golden treatment. treatment isnt always a '100% instant cure', but there should be a moment where you do or notice something and go, 'hey, i did that, so easily??' or 'wow, i would have NEVER done this years/months ago, i finally did the happy thing. for myself.' or 'i like this. i want more.'

either way i wish you all the best, i know its hard and chaotic but once you find it i hope you too will feel the warmth of the sun and the smell of the flowers and just have a moment of 'yes. this is peace.'

[seriouslychloe]

spoilers ahead for outer banks season 3!!

lets talk season 3! so i personally really like the season! (besides big john, but we will get to that later) i loved the vibes it gave off! and we got jiara AND cleope!!! so lets start with what i loved, i really like the barbados scenes, which are like the first 2 episodes. i loved the rafe and kie scenes (im NOT a riara shipper but you do you boo) im really glad they stuck to them hating each other. also im glad that kie actually looked scared and acted scared bc she is kidnapped by a man who is threatening killing her if she doesn’t give him a diary???!!!? + she also kidnapped with her like sworn enemy who is also a killer and isnt aware of his next move. i also loved the island scenes and wish we got more :(. i loved episode 5! the train sequence was really interesting and i was laughing so hard when cleope tried to convince the police guy (so good at explaining ik ik) they were in love (but we all know they already were) and the motorcycle scenes were my favorite! the scene after jj crashed his motorcycle was also a great one! + im so glad sarah got a hug with jj rooting for cambank sibling. the “dont ever do that again” 😩✋✋😭 . i loved episode 7 too! the topper and kie interactions 💀 also the fight with jiara was AMAZING!!!! kie looked so defeated when he said it wasn’t gonna work 😭. i loved the music after the fight too (kinda random lol). for the things i wished were different…to start, big john. tbh i liked im better dead. he had WAY TO MUCH screen time! i just wanted clarification that he showered at some point this season his beard was giving me ickk. another thing, i wanted more angsty, emotional scenes. these kids have been through SO MUCH!! they showed a little bit of jj’s mental health but it was like 1/4. im glad they showed more of sarah’s as well! but i really wanted to see more of kiaras emotional side (i am kinda biased) but like she has almost drowned in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN holding her best friends dead weight in her arms for a LONG TIME after he got hit on the head most likely suffering from a concussion, she has almost drowned in a sewer, she has betrayed her parents trust but then again its as much their fault that it is hers, she lost 2 of her best friends only to find out they were alive again like a few months later, she has been shot at multiple times, she was kinda guilt tripped into a relationship with pope (no offense to pope, again it was both their faults), she has been abducted twice first by saving someones life then being strangled to go to this killers house, second by being strangled the same way with her parents sitting there watching her to be sent to this wilderness camp that was gonna put her on medication, also rafe said that he was gonna find her and get revenge on her-, she was rejected by the person she lovesss 😍😍 and kept on trying (but thats gotta hurt), she also was called a kook by her best friend, she knew he didn’t mean it but, she has always had trouble fitting in and wanted to be a pogue and rafe also called her “at least half kook” so thats also gotta hurt, and like so much more so I WANTED A BREAKDOWN SCENE >:( (preferably with jj comforting her ) reverse hot-tub scene anyone?? but i also wanted more scenes with all the pogues. this season felt like a constant high and i think there needed to be a break where everyone can just BE HAPPY!!! also like the 4 original pogues scenes pleasee :)! i HATED the stopper cheating scenes (their ship names stopper for a reason-) i just want jarah b to be happy and together for at least one season-, thats all i’m asking. i think overall we needed more pogues being there for each other and comforting each others. also i didn’t like the time jump-, although i’m glad the pogues got a win, i don’t want them to be separated next season. i have run out of space now and have been writing this for 45 minutes but what are your thoughts? id love to know! :)

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[slylutfi]

these are from some messages i want to remember;

have you ever heard of Chris Bumstead ? hes one of my favourite body builders ever, and he recently had a child, and i was listening to a podcast about him describing the pain his wife had to go through and the little moments that mean more to him than winning the olympia, and how your kids will know you better than anyone, it reminded me of you because i know you are 24/7 non stop effort for your children, and i think that same drive and love youre pouring in now will really pay off one day, that theyll look at you and know who you really are is a hard working young mom who would do anything for her children, cant really put it all in words, but its the little victories in the day that no one will congratulate you for that your kids will subconsciously remember; like how you handled all that stress, how you changed their nappies, day in and out, how you smiled, parenthood must be really beautiful and exhausting

ive set myself certain standards if i should ever consider being a father myself, how i want to be, from things as mundane as being able to bench over 300 pounds consistently so i can be strong for them, or becoming better at reading outloud so i can read to my children, studying my own biology to learn better what foods and medications help me since my children will carry my genetics, maybe, idk, i doubt ill ever be a father but its something to think about, the level of work required is maybe the pinnacle of life, and even finding the right woman, someone i want to be smarter than me, its just so so much,

also 300 isnt a lot i know but for me it is since im barely at 225

and i dont mean as a 1 rep max 😭 i wanna be able to do sets of it

its also just such a complex thing to think about raising children in our modern times, this woman at work was telling me the world needs more sexism and how women need to cook clean and look after the baby, but i really dont think that will work anymore, if i can let my wife have some rest days even if it means i gotta take some caffiene pills or something then i totally would, because this non existing wife would probably do the same, not even for each other, but for our kids, because your kids will know that you’re exhausted and over worked, and i dont want to put that pressure on them, im spamming too much, sorry about that, i hope you and your family are in good health

i think another big lesson ive learned when it comes to finding the “right” one, and itll sound bad at first, but someone you can share burdens with, obviously not intentionally, but if you find yourself constantly needing to hide the burdens of your life then youll naturally be less interested in being there for your partner, and vice versa, not even in a game of exchange too; but just being comfortable enough to carry those burdens together is so important, if not equal to the celebrations and honeymoons, i think if youre able to share those burdens, its a sign of someone maybe being the one, at least for me, i know some women would say thats just being overly emotional or as a man you need to be less emotional or as a woman you need to be more submissive or some immature bullshit, but those folk aint for me… idk what im saying lol, kind of wanna unsend this like you would, but i think the sacrifice of embarrassment is worth it to get a chance to hear your 2 cents on these ideas

[innocencelives]

some sort of diary entry

extreme, extreme TW. need someplace, anywhere to talk to my self abt horrific CPTSD occurrences.

a return of perversion,

stockholm relapse of sorts

i am a child born for depravity

perhaps there is both: tenderness/love/softness/care/compassion/joy/innocence, AND depravity in my soul

i feel if you took a journey into the center of my soul underneath every layer in the very core you will find the incestous abuse i experienced.

why is the depravity tempting? luring, hypnotic, comforting even. the genuine comfort i feel when i fantasize about being beat with a concrete brick. torture, why is that alluring? not in a fun bdsm way, not in a way that has anything to do with me, in a disturbed perverted way that speaks directly from my abuse.

this is so regressed…this is stockholm symptoms. crying, anger, these are good symptoms. processing symptoms, they are productive, positive, they are letting go of the trauma, feeling what i need to feel, releasing their burden. stockholm symptoms are not that. they are an indication of severity, and a regression.

how can i cut this out of me, how can i run away from it, how can i surgically remove this depravity from my veins.

i engage in transgression… body horror, art to release it.

i dont want it to consume me. but i also do. would i feel whole? my psychotic fantasies perhaps feel more comforting than usual. im not in danger, but i crave them more than ever.

its attacked me out of nowhere…4 days of no depression, not that this is anything close to depression. did i choose to dive further into this? sure, after being provoked by a dark trigger. a shameful, terrifying happening indicative of stockholm symptoms, this caused me to dive deeper.

i havent experienced an arousal towards my abuse in perhaps 8 years. it comes up, everytime i masturbate honestly. but i easily throw it away, and continue on. not this time… i entertained it. perversely. i allowed myself to enjoy the proclivity. disgusting, vomit inducing, shameful, so so shameful. but alas…an established medical symptom.

perhaps this isnt such a unique event. in the last month/2 months ive seen a massive return of a monolith of distressing symptoms. mostly not CPTSD related: extreme, extreme, torturous mood fluctuations. first months like this since..2021 perhaps? a summer. i need meds changed, urgently. a very bad time to experience a frustrating falling out with a psychiatric agency. their treatment over years has been abysmal, but to happen now is quite disastrous. long waiting lists have prolonged this torturous, fluctuating episode.

so why has the torturous episode of mood disorder turned to trauma? depression, intense suicidality, distressing paranoia, wild unpredictable emotional whiplash. why has that given way for the trauma to resurface? honestly…its been poking its head above ground for more than the last months. im scared that it has left the ground entirely.

the stockholm symptoms, these i havent experienced in almost a decade. what could happen because of them… im scared. i dont want to subject myself to retraumatization. thats what this led to before. a horrific furtherance of trauma, quite literally adding disturbing experiences like notches on a belt. i dont think thats where this will lead. to be honest i hope it just leads to pain, thats more innocuous. i really dont need more psychological anguish though, im already experiencing catastrophic levels of that.

it is still tempting unfortunately. to engage with this depravity. where does sexualizing your own incestous abuse lead? nowhere good thats for sure.

i need to put this to bed…i need to put myself to bed first jeez (7am in a moment) ill probably forget this in the “morning”, feel like it didnt happen, such is mood fluctuations. but a return of stockholm syndrome feelings, this needs to be addressed somehow, someway.

what a broken life i live…maybe not broken, maybe just eventful 😵‍💫

zzzzzz💤💤😴

[star-stream]

Gotcha 37: the baby is you ( :( )

Im sorry I know its a serious scene, and honestly RIP to a real one, Skebows you will be missed. But, them carrying a skateboard corpse through the hallway like its a medical drama did send me. So funny im sorry.

Honestly this episode did a real great job of showing the part of Houtarou that goes to become Daybreak in the future. Im honestly sold on it. Also, Hopper1 trying to tickle him to make him laugh :( I think Chemies dont really understand the concept of death also, I saw on the production blog that they were gonna have something with Steamliner but scrapped it and im glad they did. I think its good to keep the Chemies as more nature aligned beings like animals. Hopper1 does know "sad is bad" "laugh is good" and its good to keep it simple like that, its charming. Lets leave the more complicated emotions to the others, dont burden yourselves.

As a fan of the show "Old Enough!" i loved seeing Hopper1s first errand... The voice actor, Fukuen, did her utmost voicing Hopper1 in this episode. The sounds coming out of it were so cute i tear up just thinking about it... My favorite one is the sneeze that came after it got drenched in water. It reminded me of Togepi from pokemon, i miss Togepi.

Im SO glad we got this quiet moment between Houtarou and his mom, it was a really touching scene. I think his mom is real sweet. Also honestly the part where baby mode Houtarou pours syrup on his pancakes did make me tear up. What a comforting scene.... You really made us think we were so back but it was already so over from the start... It really makes what happens in the later half of the episode more impactful, ive learned a lot. If Houtarou had been sad the whole time it wouldnt have hurt as much, yes... You guys are really good at twisting the knife...

Also i think i said in the previous post that i thought Daybreak that fought Gigist might have been the Houtarou Daybreak but i had completely forgotten about Houtarous dad maybe being Daybreak too and also that there mightve been other Kamen Riders since they knew about the concept. It was a good reminder thank you, ill try not to forget again.

We got more scenes of the seniors fighting!!! Thank you so much, i love them cause theyre so cute. Its nice that youre picking up the letters that got scattered, youre good kids...

Well thats something I didnt think wed get an explanation for but there we go. Hes been transmuting himself by using the philosopher stone in him this whole time. Whoda thunk it. My theory was that he was somehow doing it wrong but i guess not.

You know this is a funny coincidence but this came out in the same week that the Dungeon Meshi episode where Senshi asks Marcille why she compared the soul to an egg came out. Houtarou and his egg are now basically, um. like a breakfast burrito. I guess.

Interesting...! I see her alliance with Gigist isnt unconditional. I love that honestly. I love that she wants Geryon back so fucking bad. I think she and Rinne should be friends fr (but she should still try to kill her)

I find it really fun that now Spanner and Minato are their own team. Theyve been teaming up a lot lately and its cute i think. Also finally Spanner gets to defeat something, its been ages. This post is about Spanner:

Honestly. Hopper1 turning into CrossHopper just so they can DASH your last hopes that there might be a way out of it was cruel, i love it.

Can I be honest for a sec? The Hopper Malgam? Slaps absolute nuts. This shits tight as hell. Its so good holy shit. They were COOKING..

Also the locust final attack?!? Baller. Its so scary, 10/10.

Houtarou telling Hopper1 to kill him if that would ease his pain... that was rough yall. This was a rough episode. Im tearing up just thinking about it again. Hey...

The transition from the monstruous Hopper Malgam voice to the small and confused Hopper1 voice before it dies... Man. Man..!!!

Im honestly. Glad that they didnt do this with Hopper1 first. Like, leading up with Skebows, as an accident, was really rough, but it WAS an accident. AnTrooper was a good "confirmation" of how things work and also cemented pretty much where everyone else stood on the matter. The seniors and Rinne didnt want to make the choice for Houtarou, Spanner has grown a lot and came to respect Houtarous perspective, but like Minato he ultimately wont pull his punches to stop the Chemys from hurting people, and Houtarou was still having doubts.

But with Hopper1 its like. Its not an accident anymore, he KNOWS that if he stops it it WILL die. And he has to do it anyways with that burden because he also figured out that Hopper1 doesnt want to hurt anyone even on a Malgam form and to let it would also be cruel. This truly is Kamen Rider.

I read in the production blog that they wanted to explore the relationship between the Rider and the Monsters much like in Kuuga, they also had a quote saying that previously with Sabimarus transformation Houtarou had to face other peoples violence but in this episode he had to face his own violence. Banger episode. Everyone did a great job.

Anyways Houtarou becomes an egg... I know its a Philosopher Stone/Philosophers egg thing, but congrats on Houtarous gender i guess. Wish you couldve found out in a less aggressive way.

Junsei you did such a good job in this episode. I really feel bad for Houtarou. Next week things will be better for him, so hang in there!

[theboardwalkbody]

My mental health journey LOL

Note: Not exact quotes, but the general idea lol

Me, watching psych videos, taking psychology courses, going though psychiatric nursing in the nursing program, reading the DSM-V, and taking psychological assessments for fun: hmmm, I think I might be bipolar.

My 1st psychiatrist: So you mentioned bipolar but I think it may just be major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety with panic disorder. lets try wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin: *almost kills me*

My 1st psychiatrist: Oops! Lets try lexapro and buspar and ativan 1mg 3x a day for your depression and anxiety. Also, ADHD is a possibility but the meds might not be good for you due to the anxiety so lets wait.

Lexapro: *Makes mood fluctuations worse - now going from happy to depressed to pissed off to giddy to severely depressed all in one day*

My 1st psychiatrist: Weird. But lexapro can do that. Here's some Lamictal, it stabilizes mood.

Lamictal: *Helps*

My mental health: *stable but not great*

Me: I don't think these do much, I'm gonna stop.

My 2nd psychiatrist: So based on your history I think we should restart all your meds.

Me: Do you think maybe it's bipolar?

My 2nd psychiatrist: Nah, let's stick with your previous med combo.

Me: OK sure, maybe they did help.

My mental health: *no better than the 1st time*

Me: Nah, I think I'm gonna stop this isnt it.

My 3rd psychiatrist: Hi, first of all - who let you take 3mg of Ativan for years? That's not good. We're not gonna do that. Oh, you're off all your meds? That's fine - let me see how you are baseline.

*months later*

Me: Hey, do you think it could be bipolar or ADHD?

My 3rd psychiatrist: Could be ADHD but I think if we went with stimulants your anxiety would be horrible again and you do have mood fluctuations but they could just be based on your situation. Do you want meds to help? You can always stop them later. We can try the lexapro and buspar again and once your anxiety is under control we can talk about meds for that.

Me: Nah, I'm ok I don't want meds. Besides the lexapro by itself made my mood swings so bad I felt like I was loosing my mind.

My 3rd psychiatrist: That's cool, if you change your mind lemme know.

Me: K.

My 3rd psychiatrist: Hey, so I'm leaving and you're gonna have a new doc.

Me: :(

My 4th psychiatrist, after one session: Right, so you're bipolar.

Me:

My 4th psychiatrist: So your mood got worse on lexapro alone? SSRIs do that with bipolar. Your anxiety is likely a symptom of your bipolar which is why the buspar didn't really help. The ativan was what was calming it because it was basically sedating you to a degree. You say you think it's situational but going through your file you report continued mood fluctuations despite what's going on in your life. You don't adapt to change well, which is also a bipolar symptom. So we should try Vraylar.

Me: That's brand name only, my insurance won't approve it. I'm already fighting them for Taltz, which is also brand name only, so I don't want to throw another thing at them that could distract from that. Besides, I don't want meds in general, let alone anti-psychotics.

My 4th psychiatrist: Anti-psychotics don't mean I think you're psychotic, it's just the type of medication class. We could always try quietipine, that's the same type of med but a generic.

Me: I don't want meds. Especially not that type because I know all the side effects and they scare me.

My 4th psychiatrist: Then why are you here?

Me: I need to have a psychiatrist to approve therapy.

My 4th psychiatrist: OK, we will revisit this.

Me, out of curiosity: *checks after visit notes, sees diagnosis of bipolar, unspecified and adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct*

Me: That sounds fucking rude. >:(

Me, to my therapist: They said I'm bipolar >:(

My therapist: Hear them out...

Me: Do you think maybe possibly it could be bipolar personality disorder?

My therapist: I remember you mentioning that when we first started our sessions together, I can't diagnose so you should bring it up with your psychiatrist.

Me, to myself: Nah, not gonna do that.

My 4th psychiatrist: So, meds?

Me: Fine, but I only want to go back on Lamictal because I don't want to take antipsychotics.

My 4th psychiatrist: What side effect is the one making you feel that way?

Me: Tardive Dyskinesia.

My 4th psychiatrist: That's such a rare thing that really only happens to people on high doses for years and years. Mostly seen with schizophrenia, in my experience, due to the high doses needed. You'd be on 25mg.

Me: Nope. Lamictal or I walk.

My 4th psychiatrist: -__- fine.

Me: Also could we do the buspar again? My anxiety sucks.

My 4th psychiatrist: No. It'll make it worse because your anxiety is a symptom and adding buspar is gonna mess with your existing chemical imbalance and make the lamictal not fight it as well.

Me: >:( I'm pretty sure my anxiety is it's own thing.

My 4th psychiatrist: We'll see.

Me: *back on lamictal. dose started at 50mg and is currently up to 150mg. I was taking buspar as prescribed by my primary doc and I have stopped taking that after switching to 150mg of lamictal*

My 4th psychiatrist: So, how we doin?

Me: I feel better, but I think it's the weather change and the sun being out longer.

My 4th psychiatrist: I'm glad it's working. Let's keep going and I'll check in after a month.

Me: K

Me: *out of curiosity, checks after visit notes: sees diagnosis of bipolar, unspecified, and the adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct* Ok, I mean that's what it said last time. And maybe the meds are working and it's not just the change of seasons.

Me: .... wait a minute. *Sees it also now says Bipolar personality Disorder*

Me:

Apparently the moral of the story is only *I* am allowed to suggest I am bipolar and shit and no one else is even though the reason I ever started looking for mental health help in the first place was to figure out what is wrong with my head and fix it.

[beavissmom81]

I was going to keep this as a Beavis only thing, when I had more energy to do his thing but at this point I think I really need to fucking vent and facebook isnt the place I should do that due to what I have to say and how i feel. I am going to start documenting the bullshit i deal with on a daily basis and go with taht. I will still post Beavis and his life as i originally planed but I will do my thing as a sub section.

So I have not felt the emotionally low in a long fucking time and it all is due to outside circumstances. I lost my job on Dec 8th. I admitted what i did was against company protocols and that i should have not done it in a perfect world, but fuck it was regarding a child and could effect this poor lil ones life and he was only 12. so i did what i did and i do not have any remorese for what i did. I owned up to the company what i did was wrong but i also stated that i felt what i did was right for the needs of the child. I also knew when i did it i was not following rules and protocols which 90% of the agents that have fudged what I did would have gotten justa slap on the wrist and told not do it again. I got terminated. I never had any issues with attendance, working or unavailable time, when presented i worked Overtime and i busted my ass, I cared about my job and I also have strong emotions when it comes to childrend and being denied medical treatment for something stupid. I spoke with a few of my previous co-workers prior to logging off my work PC for the last time. They all said that they were shocked as I was the one they all came to when they had issues. I had helped so many people and trained so many that I knew what I was doing. A few in the lil chat also knew what I making an hour and what state i lived in. We all feel that I was let go due to the minumum wage in IL going up, I would be paid more than supervisors. That in my opinion is the real reason i was terminated. it had nothing to do with me breaking a protocol. it was a loophole that they found.

I was denied unemployment due to the fact that they stated what i did was misconduct. Well i am not upset over that. We will survive. Things are tight currently, money wise, but we have had to deal with worse in the past and will pull out of this.

I am looking for a job that will at least allow me to pay my bills and keep the lifestyle that Mr Beavis has grown to love. He is the reason we work. he is the reason we get out of bed. He is the reason we got the house we did I will post more later. i have to make dinner for them.