#also last week i broke my record for amounts of panic attacks in one day

[antisocialgaycat]

i love being sick its my most favouritest thing ever (kill me now)

[what-is-your-plan-today]

What The Stark Spangled F**k?

Drabble- Fuck Off, Clown

Summary: It’s Halloween, and Jamie’s outfit isn’t quite to Steve’s liking. Warnings: Non- some bad language...some almost smut, but nothing major...and a Super Soldier with coulrophobia... A/N: So if you all remember in Phobias, Steve admits to Katie he has a fear of clowns. I do as well, so this came out of a little fun chat with my Evangers (you know who you are girls) as a further expansion on the incident referred to in The Devil Wears Nada. Takes place during the 5 years post Snap. Hope you enjoy!

October 2022

“All set?” Katie asked as she reached the bottom of the stairs as Steve walked back into the hall having loaded their bags into the car. They were heading off to Tony’s lake-house for a few days where he was throwing a bit of a Halloween party, nothing major but it was a chance for the kids to get dressed up in costumes and eat a load of candy whilst the adults could kick back and drink. Katie was looking forward to it for two reasons. Firstly, it was always nice to gather together with friends and family, well those of them that were left post snap-it made her feel normal, and she could push that persistent feeling of sadness that seemed to manifest on a daily basis, back down into the depth of her mind. And secondly, she was a little excited because she had no idea what Emmy or Jamie’s outfits were going to be. Emmy had asked a month or so ago if she could be in charge of getting the pair of them costumes and Katie had agreed, simply handing over her card when she wanted to order whatever it was off the internet. She’d even resisted the urge to check her statement to see what it was as Emmy had demanded she didn’t try and find out. Katie had a sneaking suspicion that Tony had also been involved in these costume choices, as the last time her brother had been over a few weeks ago, the pair of them had been huddled on the large arm chair, sniggering as they looked at something on Tony’s phone. With that in mind she was expecting Jamie to come down in some form of Iron Man or Captain America costume and she had every intention of filming Steve’s response.

“Yup. Locked and loaded.” Steve nodded, dropping a kiss to her cheek. As soon as the kids are ready we can go.”

“No rush.” Katie shrugged, looking at her watch as they walked into the kitchen. “We don’t need to be there for a few hours.” She wrinkled her nose and slapped at Steve’s hand as he went to peek under the foil wrapped plate on the side. He sharply withdrew it and grinned at her.

“Tell me that’s a pie.”

“Apple and pumpkin, but it’s for the party.”

Steve pouted and she laughed and jerked her head behind her “There’s another there as I knew you wouldn’t be able to wait.”

“You-” Steve pecked her lips “-are” another peck “-the best.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere Captain.” She smirked as his lips hovered over hers, before he deepened the kiss slightly, both his hands sliding down to give her ass a playful squeeze before he stepped back and walked over to his coveted prize. Steve peeled back the little cloth that was over the top and gave a little groan that was positively sinful as he inhaled the smell.

“Don’t eat that straight out of the pie dish.” Katie warned him as he made his way to the freezer for the ice cream, “I was gonna cut a few slices for the kids to munch on the way.”

“Then they can get their own.” Steve grumbled a little, but he grabbed a plate none the less.

“Oh yeah, where from?” Katie asked, her hands on her hips.

“Don’t know, don’t care…” Steve muttered as he cut himself a huge slice of the coveted pie. He ladled a generous amount of vanilla ice cream on top then carried it over to the breakfast bar, sitting down as Katie gathered the rest of the food items she had said she would bring which included a huge dish of Mac and Cheese that she’d coloured green with food colouring, spaghetti and meatballs that were supposed to be worms,  cinnamon and apple cookies in the shape of pumpkins and a batch of home-made raspberry and cherry gin which had been done using the raspberries and cherries from the brambles and trees in their small orchard at the bottom of the garden. She began packing it all into a hamper as Steve took the first bit of his pie and gave another groan.

“You know…” he swallowed, waving his fork at her as he gave her a playful grin “I think this pie is actually better than sex.”

Katie looked at him, arching her eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“It’s a very close call.” He nodded.

“Well maybe I should make you a pie once a week instead of letting you get me on my back.” Katie looked at him, closing the lid on the basket and pushing it to one side, leaning over the breakfast bar.

“Ok, first off we have sex way more than once a week.” Steve pointed his fork at her “and second-“ his eyes glinted cheekily “-you’re not always on your back.”

“True.” Katie pursed her lips and reached for his fork, snatching it from his hand “But if you think I’m baking a pie more than once a week you’ve got another thing coming.” She used the fork to take a piece of the sweet treat along with a large blog of ice cream and shoved it in her mouth, closing her eyes. She moaned a little, ensuring that the noise that left her throat was as sinful as she could make it, before she opened her eyes and used her thumb to wipe at a little trickle of ice cream in the corner of her mouth. With her eyes locked on Steve she sucked her thumb clean and smirked a little at the familiar glint of dark in his eyes that he always got when he was turned on.

“You’re lucky you’re the other side of the breakfast bar.” He leaned forward a little, elbows resting on the marble surface, his voice a low timbre that sent those familiar sparks up Katie’s spine.

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Katie asked innocently, ignoring the sudden flutter she’d felt between her legs at his tone.

“Because if you weren’t you be in my lap right now testing my theory.”

“Shame…” she nodded, looking around. “I mean it’s not like you could reach and drag me over it or anything.”

“Well I could…” Steve agreed “But there’s a piece of pie in the way. And it’s too good to waste.”

“You’re a jerk!” Katie shook her head as Steve laughed, before he leaned back in the stool and patted his right thigh

“C’mere pretty girl.”

Katie grinned, the sound of him calling her pretty girl always did things to her, as did the soft instruction to ‘come here’ in his Brooklyn accent. She rounded the bar and he reached out, easily pulling her onto his lap so she was perched sideways, legs hanging over the side of his right thigh as he curled his left arm around her waist, right gently resting on her thigh. Katie’s right arm slid round his neck and he titled his face to look at her.

“Just for the record you taste far better than any pie you make.” He grinned and Katie’s mouth fell open at his dirty comment.

“Steven Grant Rogers!” she snorted, slapping his shoulder slightly and he laughed, his hand on her thigh tightening its grip slightly, fingers curling round the toned muscles which were evident once again due to Katie having started training again. Steve actually kind of missed the softness that she’d had since having Jamie but he was damned if he was going to tell her that. As long as she was comfortable in her body that was fine by him. He leaned towards her slightly, his nose bumping hers a little as she gently trailed her hand over the nape of his neck, nails scratching just below his hair line above the collar of his black sweater.

“Love you.” He said gently, his lips brushing hers and she smiled, her fingers tanging in the hair at the back of his head.

“More than apple pie?” she teased and he chuckled.

“Infinitely Mrs Rogers.”

“More than Mac and Cheese?” Steve hesitated and Katie scoffed “Rude.” Before he laughed again and pressed his lips to hers.

“For the record I love you more than anything.” He smiled “Well, apart from the kids.”

“I’ll accept that exception.” Katie chuckled, he mouth finding his again. The kiss deepened, Katie letting out a soft sigh as his tongue brushed against hers, tasting the apple pie and Ice Cream he had been eating before. Steve’s hand skated up the outside of her thigh coming to rest on her hip, finger tips brushing the strip of skin where her top had ridden up slightly as her own hand fisted slightly in his hair. Completely lost in one another they almost missed the little footsteps coming down the stairs and the giggles in the hallway. Almost, that is. Steve’s tuned hearing heard it first and he pulled back, looking at Katie who grinned.

“Play your cards right we can finish this later.”

“At Tony’s?”

“Yeah.” She shrugged “Won’t be the first time we fucked in his spare room.”

Steve snorted at her and patted her ass as she hopped off his lap.

“Mom, Dad!” Emmy called “We’re ready for you to see us!”

“We heard!” Katie called back as Steve stood up, grabbing his plate of pie. He took another bite before he wandered into the hallway where he collided with Katie who had stopped dead just outside the door. Frowning he looked up and stopped dead.

A clown.

His 2 year old son was dressed as a fucking clown. And not just any clown, which would have been bad enough, but that bastard clown from IT. The film he refused time and time again to watch because of said bastard clown…which was now stood on the bottom step of the stairs holding a red balloon.

And suddenly, all he could see was that damned clown at Coney Island chasing him through the stalls, Bucky’s laughter echoing in his ears…and then that fucking mirror maze where he’d had the panic attack as he was surrounded by them.

The plate holding his precious pie slipped from his hand and dropped to the tiled floor, where it broke into 3 pieces, its contents splattering all over the grey slate.

“Woah, Dad…didn’t think it would be that scary!” Emmy grinned from behind Jamie as she stood in her outfit, which was a superb replica of the Wicked Witch of the West complete with full green face-paint and a broomstick.

Katie looked over her shoulder at Steve and she could see from his face that he was really struggling to keep it together. Trying not to laugh at the expression of sheer horror on his handsome features, she clamped her lips together and turned to Emmy.

“Your dad’s…” she took a deep breath, trying not to laugh “He’s scared of clowns.”

“Oh…” Emmy frowned “Uncle Tony said he would love it.”

“I bet he did.” Steve bit out a little harshly and Emmy looked at him.

“Are you mad?” she asked and seeing the look on her face Steve inwardly cursed his phobia and his damned brother in law.

“No, honey…” he shook his head “Not at all…you both look…” he trailed off.

“Daddy, look!” Jamie grinned, and he jumped off the bottom step “Balloon!”

He toddled over towards Steve who automatically took a few steps back and Jamie stopped in front of him, right by Katie’s side, a confused expression crossing his painted face. “Daddy?”

“Yeah, pal…I gotta…” Steve exhaled “I gotta put some stuff in the car so we can to go to Uncle Nee’s ok?”

“Kay…” Jamie said a little quietly.

Katie watched, her shoulders shaking in silent laughter as Steve went to move round Jamie, turning sideways so he could keep his eyes on him, before he pushed past Emmy and bolted up the stairs taking them 3 at a time.

The hallway was silent bar the sounds Lucky was making as he cleaned up the remnants of the pie on the floor, not wanting to miss a single crumb of his human food treasure.

“Em, why don’t you two take Lucky and go get in the car, we’ll be out in a little moment.”

“Ok. Come on Jay!” Em said. She grabbed his hand but Jamie, clearly now finding the reaction his dad had as amusing, turned to his mom and made a little growling noise at her. Katie gave a fake scream and jolted back, causing Jamie to cackle a little, tilting his head back in mirth before he toddled after his sister.

As soon as they were out of sight and earshot Katie started to laugh. She laughed so hard that she had to retreat to the kitchen to sit at a chair. She doubled over, clutching at her stomach, trying to gather her breath as the tears poured down her face. Try as she might, she couldn’t get the image of Steve fighting the urge to punt his own son into another room out of her head.

Eventually she managed to sort herself out enough to grab her phone and swiped over to the number she wanted.

“Hey Kiddo.” Tony greeted

“Tony, you…” she started to laugh again “You better be able to run fast because Steve…he’s…”

Tony chuckled “he liked the costume then…”

“Tony he freaked.” She laughed “Like, seriously…poor Steve. I expected like a full Captain America outfit, not that!”

“Well, on this occasion the Spangles just weren’t enough”

“You’re a little shit, you know that?”

“It’s been said.” He conceded “Did you get it on video?”

“No.” Katie sighed “I was going to but when I saw Pennywise on my damned stairs I knew what was gonna happen so…”

“Shame.” Tony sighed, “We could have played that back later. For science.”

At that point Katie looked up as Steve walked into the kitchen, glancing round.

“He’s not in here…” She chuckled and Steve glared at her, before he gestured to the phone.

“That Tony?”

She nodded.

He reached out and snatched the phone off her, “You’re a dead man.” He growled down the handset, and Katie could hear her brother’s roar of laughter before Steve hung up and tossed the phone down onto the table.

“Calm down!” Katie laughed, standing up “Steve, it’s just a costume.” “Katie, they freak me the hell out!” he shook his head “You don’t…” his hands dropped to his hips and his head dropped “Did you see his face when I backed away?”

“Oh, he’s fine!” Katie said, rubbing Steve’s arms “He couldn’t care less.” Steve took a deep breath and she looked at him “Do you want me to get him to change?”

Steve shook his head “No, he was so pleased with himself…plus, I don’t fancy that particular tantrum now do you?”

“Not really no.”

Steve shrugged “Then I guess I’m stuck with it. Come on, let’s get gone. Sooner we get there the sooner I can carry out my threat to kill your asshole brother.”

Steve grabbed the food hamper and headed out to the car with it, settling it onto the trunk of the car as Katie got into the passenger side. Once Steve finished his usual checks to ensure the door was locked, he climbed into the driver’s seat ant they set off.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah buddy?” Steve asked, glancing in the mirror automatically and once more was confronted by that fucking clown. He swallowed and turned his eyes to the front.

“No scared, daddy. I not real clown.”

Katie chuckled as Steve pulled out of the drive onto the road. “I know pal, but it’s Halloween. Everyone gets scared at some point.”

Jamie nodded, accepting his answer and turned to look out of the window. As they approached a junction, Steve checked the mirror again and then sighed, shaking his head.

“You’re gonna hafta drive.” He looked at Katie.

“What?”

“I can’t do it.” He shrugged “Every time I check the mirror, all I can see is…” “Are you being serious?” Katie looked at him.

“Absolutely.” Steve unclipped the seatbelt and climbed out of the car.

And right then Katie vowed that if Steve didn’t kill Tony, she was gonna.

[jaminjims]

bts 8th member {imagine}

a/n: ok so this was the child of my 1-5am mind that was running off of chips ahoy cookies and diet root beer, and honestly?? kinda proud of myself lmao. i felt like i was kinda lacking with my boys au update this week and i wanted to feed you guys with more content so, here you go! (also sorry if it’s a little rushed, i just started writing and didn’t stop) i lob ya’ll 

pairing: bts x reader (it’s sorta implied as a m!reader bc bts is a boy group and i refer to you as he maybe twice throughout, but it can be read as any gender! although i do make you refer to the older boys as hyung. you can also read it as ot7 but you don’t have to, there are fluffy moments between everyone)

genre: pretty angsty but also pretty fluffy

warnings: panic attack, loneliness, anxiety medication, brief mention of insomnia, extreme dieting, sleep medication 

words: 4.2k

~**~

you trained in bighit for two years before you were put into a group and you could easily say that those years were probably the hardest of your life

in the beginning, you were ecstatic to be accepted because being an idol was your dream, even if it was a small company. you had lost count how many times you dreamed about debuting and just making people (who you couldn’t wait to call your fans) happy

over time, you wouldn't say you lost your drive to continue, but your bright outlook on the future dimmed and the pressure of everything had begun to build up and it had gotten really hard

you had to train everyday: singing lessons, dancing lessons, exercising. and on top of that? you also had to study for school and continue to get good grades

after all, that was your parents only rule if you wanted to become an idol

your parents were also happy for you, but if they also became worried. because being away from home and the pressure of school and training without the fact they could look after you, it worried them to no end

they called you everyday and asked how you were doing, and you would tell them the truth about how you missed them so much that it almost hurt and if you were eating a lot (if your training even aloud it) and that you were staying hydrated and healthy

and sometimes, you were worried about yourself too

there have been multiple times that you thought you were going to break, how you thought you couldn’t continue to live like this because you weren't aloud to eat much and the classes and school work and just everything began to pile up 

but this was your dream, and no one said it was going to be easy

that's the thought that kept you believing in the future, kept you believing in yourself. all of your hard work was going to pay off and you knew it was going to be worth it

right?

the times when you sang so much your throat went raw, the times when you danced so much to the point of exhaustion, and then collapsed but didn’t eat enough afterward. those were the hardest 

your parents came close to pulling you out of training more times than you could keep track of

but you persisted. you had already made it this far, what's the point of dropping out now?

the first year of training was exhausting, but you were so proud of yourself because this was the hardest task you had ever done and you were getting through it!

the second year though, was probably worse than the first. that was the year when you really started to miss your family, and with trainee's constantly coming in and out of the dorms, you really had no one to connect with 

there were nights where you would cry yourself to sleep because of everything

it didn't help when your trainers put you in remedial classes, because you were pretty good at dancing, but not so much at singing

the extra classes got in the way of your school work, and more often than not, you found yourself missing at least two classes a week because of them

but it was ok, you told yourself. if you had made it this far and gave up, then what would the last year of training be? 

but there are only so many times you could tell yourself that before the words started to lose their meaning and you had come so close to dropping out because a person could only have so many anxiety attacks and meltdowns before they just broke completely

but it was like something looked down on you and suddenly: the moment was there. you were put into a group and immediately cried on the spot then and there, even when the others in the dorms could see 

you had called your parents right after and were so happy, you couldn’t even get the words out and they could only half understand you

you knew it was going to be worth it and even though you almost aloud yourself to give up, you would be willing to do it all again

that's when you vowed to yourself: you were never going to give this up for anything

and even though you didn’t get the grades your parents really expected of you, it was ok

you were here, you made it 

meeting the rest of the bts members for the first time was something that you would always remember, and even though you would come to laugh at the first meeting with them in the future, it was hella embarrassing 

“hello, my name is y/n. please treat me kindly and i look forward to working with you.” 

well, at least that's what you tried to say

instead it came out more like this: “hello. y/n. nice working kindly with you, please treat me forwardly.”

yeah, you die every time you think about it. the look on their faces as you flush in embarrassment would become the faces of your paralysis demons for months afterward because god could you seriously be any more socially awkward?

the answer to that question was: of course you could!

even though you weren't the shyest (that would probably go to the youngest, jungkook) you were probably the one to mess up the most and then think about it in the most inopportune of times

like for example, it was one of your first dance practices together and you were thinking so hard about not messing up anything, you ran into the door on the way out of the practice room after it was over 

yeah, this time most of the members couldn’t hold back their laughs, and even though you knew it wasn't to make fun of you, you still flushed the color of crimson because christ what the hell is wrong with your brain function? 

your face was probably two shades redder permanently because of the amount of embarrassing moments you had still have

 that was probably the reason you become closer to jungkook first because (excluding the fact that the both of you were close in age, you only one year older) you were both the shyest

also, videogames who? ya’ll know her very well 

most of you and jungkook’s bonding moments came from your mutual love of videogames and the relationship was THRIVING 

“hey wanna play minecraft?” “kook it's two am.” “well then why are you still awake?” “to see how long it would take you to ask me to play minecraft. i already have the server open.” you both would then probably get blown up by creepers and you would yell before one of the others came scolded you both for staying up way to late and making noise

and once you bonded with jungkook, it was only natural that the rest of you bonded too (sharing a room does that to people)

when you were practicing the i need u choreo, for some reason your timing was off and you knew that but you just didn’t know where it went wrong and that one mistake was driving you crazy 

dancing was the thing you were supposed to be good at and that fact that you kept messing up weighed hard on you and made you lose confidence

but it was hoseok who had found you hours after practice had ended, laying down with your arms across your face because you were just so frustrated with yourself that you felt like crying and at this point hoseok had known you long enough that you weren’t the type to ask for help even if you needed it

“y/n, you ok?” 

“hyung, i-” you choked up and you got even angrier at yourself because are you really crying over this? 

hoseok rushed to your side and helped you sit up, but you didn't take your hands off your face 

he instead took your hands in his gently and swayed them back and forth, “yah~ it’s going to be alright.” he gave you a the hobi smile and you couldn’t help but lighten up 

he pulled you up and together the both of you practiced until jin forced you to come home and sleep because “they had already missed dinner, god damnit.”

you nailed the choreo almost every time after that

or when you were recording vocals for spring day and you kept messing up and your voice kept cracking and the other guys had already gone to their lunch break while you were still sitting in the studio, practicing your lines

the other seven sat in the practice room eating and got worried that you were going to miss lunch altogether so they nominated jimin to go collect you because they knew that you weren't confident in your voice even though they told you almost everyday that it was amazing

jimin walked in on you singing your part in the song and smiled at how smooth your voice sounded but then frowned when you suddenly stopped and cursed because “why can’t i sing? what the hell y/n.”

you had yet to see jimin enter the recording studio but you defineitly felt when he wrapped his hands around your torso in a comforting gesture

you relaxed in his hold and sighed out as he whispered in your ear, “your voice is perfect and it fits you y/n-ah. it’s going to be ok.” 

you teared up and turned around in his hold and properly hugged him. “i love you hyung.” 

and you really did, you loved all of them 

and you pride yourself on being the one that helps every one and makes sure they are doing alright, mentally and physically 

you would get scolded by your hyung's and occasionally by the maknae that you should look after yourself better and that it wasn’t your job to always look after everyone, even more so if you are younger 

like when you stay up late to wait up for yoongi to comeback from his studio even into the early mornings, and when he doesn’t you bring food and go to him instead because “i’m here for you hyung. and it's been awhile since I've seen you.” “it’s been four hours, y/n” “yeah, four hours to long.”

but he would eat the food you bring him anyway because he secretly likes your visits and wouldn’t trade them for anything

he always asks you if you’re ok though, “you getting enough sleep?” “why are you up so late?” 

you always answer honestly, “i’ve been staying up really late to get things done when i was a trainee, so i’m used to it. it kinda just happens now.”

he frowns but can’t really fault you because he does the same thing sometimes. but still, he doesn’t stan sleep depraviety 

or when namjoon gets stressed before interviews (it doesn't happen as much recently but it did when they were younger) especially ones where he had to speak english

you would always give him massages and reassure him that everything will be fine and that he was the best leader he could've asked for 

the way joon smiles with his dimples gets you melting every time and you can’t stop yourself from poking him and calling him cute just to tease him, even though he’s older

he always gets this blush on his face and swats at your hands, but he never does lose his smile

you try your best to learn english because you want to take some of his stress away and help him in any way you can 

and it’s because you all try to help and build up each other in any way you can, is why you all work so well and just flow together 

like how you and tae just casually switch clothes sometimes because “y/n has the best fasion sense in bts” and you because you just like the way he smells (which, for the love of god, you will never admit to him, or anybody, outloud) 

“hey y/n have you seen my purple hoodie?” then he would walk out of his room to see you covered in his hoodie eating ramen and smiles “never mind, i’ll just wear your white one” and then it’ll be your turn to smile

or when you assist jin in the kitchen because you actually really love cooking too and you two end up goofing off 

“hyung the pasta is gonna burn!” “aish, then stop distracting me with your childish antics!” “oh did you hear something? must be the wind.” and both of your laughter would echo out, making the other members smile and sometimes laugh along with you 

you’re also a regular on eatjin and army just love seeing the interactions between you two

but as much as you all get along, there are still many fights that happen because no relationship is perfect

it gets really stressful when you see members fight with each other because you have never been the one for conflict and would choose to avoid it when you could. you would always apologize first because you had a weak heart and hated when anyone was mad or upset at you

but sometimes the stress and pressure get to much and there are moments where they can't help but blow up at each other 

“damn it! why can’t you get this move right!” someone would say, after doing the dance for the fourth time 

“i’m learning it just like you are! calm down!” 

it would sometimes stop there and the two occupants would apologize and they would continue to work, helping each other when needed. other times it would escalate and you would sit and watch because what could you do?  

it would usually be one of the older ones to calm everyone down but practice would be cut short and there would be this tension in the air that felt suffocating and it comes to a point where you or someone else would end up speaking up and force the two to talk but they would become stronger and more understanding after the fight, because that's who they were and how they worked

but those were only small fights and you have only initiated them enough times to count on one hand, but the big fights are the ones who leave you feeling drained and powerless because you were never one show big acts of emotion so when you did you felt tired afterward

a big fight that you were apart of that really impacted your relationship with he wrest of the members happened all the way back in 2017 

you were more jumpy the past few months and the members knew you didn't get barely any sleep 

they also knew that you had been under fire from the media and haters because of a false rumor, and haters had been constantly pointing out your flaws and every little thing they could find wrong with you 

you had also lost a lot of weight and that's what really hurt them, they felt like they were slowly losing you and they had tried to bring it up with you a thousand times before, but you would just brush them off and tell that you were ok when they could clearly see that you weren’t 

it was when you fainted during a costume change in a concert that they drew the line

you had woken up later back in the dorm with about a million messages on your phone from news sites and family (and of course the other members to check on you to see if you were awake yet)

“y/n suddenly disappears from concert” “does y/n really care about army?” 

those where only a few titles that he saw on articles and it only added fuel to the fire for the false rumors and hate

you had sat on your bed that you presumed the medics dropped you off at and based on the time, it had been about an hour and a half and the concert should be wrapping up soon

and you cried.

the rumors, the hate, the other members treating you like you would break any moment. you were letting people down and oh my god, you actually were breaking and couldn't stop it 

it was already hard thinking about letting the fans down because they were your everything and you would go to any length to make them happy

but also letting your members down? your parents? 

that was excruciating 

because you had found seven other boys that you had grown so close to that you could count on but what were you if they couldn’t count on you?

when they came back after the concert all worn out and tired, their first thought was still about you and if you were ok 

the maknae line almost broke down in tears at the sight of your sleeping form and how it was very much apparent that you had cried. so much that your eyes were red and puffy and you had a deep frown on your face even in sleep

the hyung’s left to talk when the maknae’s got into your bed with you nd held you because they were legitimately scared that they wouldn’t see you again when you collapsed (jimin on your left, jungkook on your right, and taehyung after jimin) 

hobi was the first to speak when they closed your bedroom door. “we need to force him to do something.” 

namjoon sighed, “that might make it worse, hyung.” 

“well the medic said, just by looking at y/n, that he was malnourished and sleep deprived! i-i don’t know what to do!” his voice cracked and he went to sit on the couch, seokjin sitting down next to him to try to provide any comfort he could 

there was a silence that followed the group after the outburst and finally yoongi whispered out. “i’m so scared.” 

it was tired and broken and they all felt the same way he did

jin and hoseok fell asleep on the couch together while namjoon and yoongi retired to their own bedrooms, to tired from the events of the day 

everyone had woken up before you did and the somber mood from yesterday still permeated the air 

it was the most you slept in two months.

when you woke up, you probably felt worse than before

your face was swollen, your head was pounding, you were starving, and just all around miserable 

the members somewhat knew what you were going through. they knew that you felt like you had let the fans down and they were very conscious of the hate you were getting right now 

when you walked into the kitchen at eleven (all activities halted for the day. another thing that was your fault.) the rest of the boys were sitting around the table, talking about the best way to help you 

you had simply walked in and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, trying to avoid the others because you knew the conversation that was coming and you weren’t looking forward to it 

jin saw you first and got up from his chair and gently held your wrist to prevent you from leaving

“come here, you need to eat y/n-ah.” he said softly. he then pulled you over to the table, and you let him 

everyone went quiet and you just simply put your head down on the table because what could you say? that you were fine? because it was very obvious you weren’t 

when jin came back with a plate of food, he gently massaged your neck until you sat up and taehyung sitting on your other side held your hand

jin feed you himself when you made no move to and they were happy to see you eat more than you usually did, but not enough to fully sustain you 

when he saw you wouldn’t eat anymore, jin sighed and pushed the food away. he went back to massaging your neck as you put your head back down on the table 

namjoon spoke up from across you, “how are you feeling?” he spoke softly 

“mm head hurts.” your voice was raspy and even softer 

“we need to talk to you.” yoongi then said and this was the moment you were dreading the most 

they tried to get you to talk about how you were feeling mentally and tried to be there for you but when namjoon brought up doctors and medication is when you broke 

you even surprised yourself when you started yelling (this was probably the first time you really did at them)

“i’m already messed up enough as it is! i don’t need more flaws that will just bring everyone down! is that what you really think? that i’m that messed up?” 

they tried so hard to keep calm but you were slowly driving yourself insane and what you were saying was also just so hurtful that they couldn’t help but get heated back 

jimin was quick to catch you when you started swaying on your feet because your head was still pounding and it was getting hard to breathe and you couldn’t focus on anything, the others voices blurring together around you 

you had to lean back against him and you heard him say something but you couldn’t make out what it was because you couldn’t breathe and your lungs were heaving because you needed air

the voices around you became softer and there were hands trying to sooth you but nothing was working

it wasn’t until there was a soft whisper that you heard in your ear from someone that told you to “breathe for me y/n. please breathe for me baby.” 

you then took a big breath and then another and another and the others began to breathe again too once they realized your panic attack was over 

you couldn't help the sobs that escaped you and it was just so heart broken and scared that others teared up with you 

hoseok hugged you from the front as jimin was still supporting you from the back and you clung to him. “i’m so scared” and “i’m sorry”  were the only two phrases you could seem to get out at the moment 

“it’s not your fault. it never will be your fault.” and they would feel guilty because they knew you just needed help and they couldn’t fault you for getting upset because the media could be so harsh 

it got even worse when you would later admit that you just didn’t want to bring them down because of course you would think like that. them before you, always 

so they stayed by your side every waking second and became even more clingy if possible because dammit, it was ok to let yourself be takin care for once and a while and this time they were going to make you take care of yourself before you took care of them 

when you were diagnosed with anxiety and sleep medication, they were with you every step of the way and made sure that you were taking them properly because they knew you still were against the idea of taking medication. it had the chance of getting out, and the media didn’t look kindly upon idols who had to resort to such 

jungkook would be the one, more often than not, to make sure you take them, and on bad nights the only thing that would get you to comply is when he would say “if you take them it will help me sleep better.” 

and it always worked because he knew you would do anything to make sure they were happy

the road to recovery was hard and there were of course ups and downs but at the end of the day, you had them and you couldn't imagine what your life would be like if you didn’t

the fights, the laughter, the crying, you would go through it all again if it meant you would get to stay with them

life as an idol wasn’t easy, but with them, it was just that much easier and you couldn’t ask for a better family 

yeah, they were your family 

and when you stood up on that stage, tearing up to see all yours fans chanting your names, you knew this was worth it

because you had made it, you built yourselves from the ground up and had loyal fans that would do almost anything for you and that support was worth more than anything 

so no longer was your dream to just become an idol and have fans. no, it was so much bigger than that 

you evolved and your dream along with you

you truly loved your fans and more than that, the family and community you had helped create along with the rest of these amazing boys that you were proud to call your everything 

so standing up on that stage, you cried tears of joy because in this moment, there was no place you would rather be 

and afterward you all would cuddle, because who wouldn’t love that, right?

[end]

end note: this was seriously too long and i enjoyed writing this wayyy to much. like i seriously made myself cry?? the part with the panic attack?? i swear i almost ugly sobbed omfg. also, would anyone be interested in seeing other parts to this? like i would absolutely love to take requests for this and make it a mini series if ya’ll are interested in something like that. i just love you guys to much lmao 

also sorry if there was any mistakes, apparently i like writing at ass o'clock in the morning where my one braincell can barely function so there are probably many of them, but i was just so excited to get this out and so i didn’t read over it jsfjkgb

~**~ masterlist

taglist: @boba-tea1206​

[aryn-writes]

And we are back to over sharing to deal with my mental health

TW: Caps, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety

Venting Post!

I am so tired. And before you ask, yes I sleep over six hours every night. When I can, I sleep over 12. So my sleeping is not the issue.

The issue is that I have no fucking clue how to exist anymore.

I was initially trying to remain as the person that I was. They were a happyish ray of sunshine that was so good at helping people. And they did! People came to them daily to vent, get advice, or just letting them know that they are doing better. And I wasn’t doing great mentally then, but I was making improvements!

It has been over a year since we went into lockdown.

And you know, there have been good things that came out of the isolation.

I know I am nonbinary! And I was getting closer to dressing how I want!

But I am exhausted.

While I am at a healthy weight now, I have been slipping in and out of my ED habits. My family has also been continuously shitting on me for gaining weight. (if you’re curious, I am 5’4” [~162 cm] at 135 lbs [~61 kg]. I used to be at 100 lbs [45 kg]. And I would continuously dip back in double digits.) So, I have a fear that I’m going tot get bad again and that is just not something that I can handle at the moment.

I also can’t socialize, because holy fuck that shit is terrifying.

Like there are times when I can’t even talk to my family.

My closest friends? One of them messages me daily to make sure I’ve eaten at least one thing (which I agree, very kind, but I will explain why I don’t like it in a bit.) The other I haven’t talked to in months and it is so awkward when we try to talk. All the other people I used to consider close haven’t talked to me in a year, even after I would attempt to reach out to them.

I know that it is partially my fault; I am horrible at messaging and keeping conversations going is one of my weaker points, even in person. Along with that, I have been having depressive episodes more often that I care to keep track of, and I push people away and isolate myself during those times. So I get that it might be difficult to talk to me.

But there are people who I will reach out to, and they read the message and just don’t respond.

Like... I will literally say “hey! It’s been a while, how have you been?” (No response)

A week goes by

“I’m just checking in to make sure you’re doing alright” (left on read)

Another week

“Me and this person wanted to plan a small hang out online! She found this really cool website that we can play games, and we can use discord to chat. Wanna join?” (No response)

And it goes on.

For over seven months.

So if you have an active imagination and are prone to overthinking, you can imagine that my thoughts are “well shit. They just don’t like me and were only friendly bc i was dating him.” (Him being my ex boyfriend; we broke up a month into the quarantine.)

And so that kinda fucked with my anxiety even more.

I don’t blame them for not talking to me. The logical part of me understands that sometimes you just don’t respond, or maybe you forget or just don’t want to. I get that. But the part of me that has been overwhelming is pretty much like, everyone hates you and you’re a burden.

And it’s really hard to open up to the people you are close to when you feel this way.

So we come back to the close friend who checks that I’ve eaten.

He is wonderful, do not get me wrong. We became acquaintances around September 2019, and friends a few months after. At this time, I was dating my ex, who was an acquaintance to the close friend. (We are going to call the close friend Edward from here on out.)

At that time, I was struggling with my body image and my eating disorder. (Every year I go through a relapse and recovery, it fucking sucks and sometimes the relapse take over almost the whole year, but not the point right now.) One of his first memories of me is me having a panic attack because I ate a sandwich.

So during this pandemic, Edward has been messaging me to make sure I’m eating, because he doesn’t want me to get really bad again. Which is nice!

Except he doesn’t really understand mental illness.

He has been trying! Do not get me wrong, he does try. But his way of going about talking to me during a depressive episode is “Just don’t let it get to you” And “Be happy” and my favorite, “I don’t get why it’s so bad.”

😃🤡

Along with that, he gets incredibly upset when I don’t respond to his messages within like thirty minutes.

Keep in mind, I have been going through many, many depressive episodes and am constantly struggling to get out of bed and keep up with my school work. I have told him this. I have told him that sometimes I just cannot handle checking my messages and participating in conversation.

And a side note, I am in my last year of high school. Which mean I have online learning and in a few months I will be graduating. Which means I have a few classes I need to pass in order to graduate. If you keep up with most high schoolers, we have been getting an absurd amount of work with due dates every fucking day. That plus depression does not go well, and so I am very tired all the time, but since we have actual lectures instead of recordings, I keep my camera on for every single class because the teacher’s get sad if we don’t. And yes, there are classes where it is just me and the teacher with our cameras on. And yes I constantly disassociate during class and stop focusing because I forget to.

So yeah, it is fucking hard to just keep up with that, and socializing isn’t really something my brain sees as important because of the constant negative energy I receive when I do try to talk to people. So I have told him that as of late, it is just difficult to do much besides school, and things that produce any sort of serotonin or dopamine.

And he got upset that talking to him wasn’t making me happy!

Which, it does! Because he is a great friend! But he is so rude about the things involving my mental illnesses! And acts like he understands it better because he is in a psychology class! So in this state, I do not feel as comfortable talking to him since he only wants the ‘happy’ version of me that struggles to eat so that he can ‘fix’ my eating disorder and be able to feel like he did something!

But I continue to try to talk to him, because he is an only child and I am one of his only actual friends. (I really wish I was kidding, but when we became close, he told me that I was the first person to ever actually care about how he’s feeling and how he is actually doing rather than just taking advantage of his presence. He almost cried when I said that I appreciated his existence.)

And I do care about him. Edward is definitely a close friend, and I appreciate that he tries. But lately, he only does it for the validation of knowing he did something good, and it feels like he is just tired of having me around since I can’t bring myself to speak much.

So I have been trying to push myself to be a good friend to him. And I am doing what I can to pretend that I am getting better so that he can be happier. Which is just tiring me out even more.

I feel empty most of the time now, and I am so easily put over the edge. I can hide it pretty well, but it has been getting to the point where I am contemplating self harm again just to feel something.

I don’t remember how to properly do things. I am really just trying to get through every day. But it feels like I am headed straight for doom and I am so tired of it and I just want to leave!

Which in a few months, technically I will. I hope to go out of state for college (to get as far as I possibly can from all of this shit) but as I apply to more scholarships, I want to scream and cry because I have no clue how I am going to pay for college because my parents make too much money and my mother spends it all on herself so I am stressed out. I didn’t do enough extracurriculars, and I have been rejected from so many scholarships that it’ s starting to look like I might need to stay here, and I can’t do that. I just can’t.

So I have been crying and trying to escape from this shit, and I feel like at some point I might just constantly think that nothing is real and none of this shit matters, because that is on my mind more and more.

But hey! I have been reading, writing, gaming, watching anime and drawing to cope so that shit exists (even though it’s all shit so I won’t post it) and I’m making improvements with that so that is something?

I don’t fucking know lol.

I am just tired, and this was a rant. I don’t fucking care. Hope you have a good day!

[i-am-church-the-cat]

Play Me A Memory

So, I finished it. It was long. I wrote the last few parts about ready to keel over so don’t kill me, please. Anyway, here’s the singer!Cyrus and pianist!TJ fic I promised y’all

Word Count: 10k+

--------

Cyrus and Jonah paced around backstage, both boys trying to not have panic attacks. Andi looked at them with a concerned expression, trying to think of a way to calm them down. She played with her girlfriend Buffy’s fingers as she thought, leaning back into the other girl. Buffy was pretending to be exasperated by the boys’ nervousness, but Buffy was also worried about what was coming next. The friends were about to perform a set in front of hundreds of people. Plus, scouts from Westerlin Music and Sound Academy were rumored to be in the crowd.

Westerlin Music and Sound Academy was the top music school on the continent. It had been the band’s dream to go there since they had made the band back in freshman year. Jonah had started in music in seventh grade and when track and basketball season had both finished, Buffy had ended up letting her dad teach her how to play the drums. In eighth grade, the two had found out that Andi had a secret talent: she could play the keyboard. They just happened to discover this talent when they overheard Andi playing a song she was going to use to confess her feelings to Buffy. It worked pretty well, in the girls’ opinions.

They now had a drummer, a keyboard player, and a lead guitarist/lead singer. Bowie had even let them use the Red Rooster for practices and loaned them instruments. The only problem was that Jonah couldn't cover all the vocals himself and Andi and Buffy were both hopeless in that aspect. Plus, all great bands had a bassist, Jonah implored. So, they went in search of one. They did auditions for weeks, but they were no closer to finding anyone who fit with them. They had officially given up the summer before sophomore year. Then one day, Cyrus came with them to one of their practices at the Red Rooster. He was doing homework while the band worked on one particularly difficult song.

“Uggh”, Jonah exclaimed after missing another note. “I can’t do this. This song is supposed to be split between a bassist and an electric guitarist. It’s too much.” The girl’s looked at the singer nervously, trying to figure out a way to calm him down, but they knew he was right.

“Let me see”, Cyrus said, grabbing the sheet music off of Jonah’s stand. He examined it before looking over to the girl’s and asking if there was more. They found another copy and gave it to him. Cyrus set the copy on a stand, grabbed a bass off of a stand in the corner of the room, and then nodded at Buffy to count them in. She did and started playing, Andi joining in and soon Jonah. They were coming upon the point where the bass was supposed to join in and they were sure it was going to be terrible. But the notes came and Cyrus did the unimaginable. He played perfectly, his notes fluid and precise. But he wasn’t done. Jonah started singing and Andi was preparing to try to do back up, but before she could, Cyrus cut her off. His voice was surprisingly pleasing to hear and he hit the notes almost better than Jonah. The band played the entire song all the way through and when they were done, Jonah, Andi, and Buffy turned to stare incredulously at the Jewish boy who was giving them a bright smile.

Finally, Buffy couldn’t take anymore, “How in the world did you know how to do that. You can play bass? You can SING?! Why didn’t you tell us, you knew we were looking for a backup singer. How did we not know this?”

Cyrus’s smile turned shy. “My step-dad had been teaching me how to play the bass. You guys were all so musically talented and I wanted to be able to do something as well, too, so I asked him to teach me. Then, when my voice changed, I found I could sing really well. I already knew I had perfect pitch but I had never been able to actually hit the notes before. So, I practiced a little bit before I was confident enough to show you guys. I was planning on surprising you, but I figured that you needed me right now.”

The group continued to stare at the boy in shock. Suddenly, a large smile broke out on Jonah’s face. “Well girls, It looks like we have our last member.”

Ever since then, they had been practicing and performing together in Shadyside and surrounding cities. Not everyone liked them, but the amount of support they got was a pleasant surprise. They had a small following and were known throughout Grant as being “surprisingly pretty great for a cover band”, comments of the school newspaper. They had gotten better over the last two years and had decided to participate in Utah’s Battle of the Band’s their senior year. They had gotten all the way to the finals, where the two band’s that were left would perform a set of about five songs. The had argued about the set list for days before eventually settling on:

“Runaway”  Bon Jovi

“Lady Madona”  The Beatles

“All the Way from Memphis”  Mott The Hoople

“Should I Stay or Should I Go”  The Clash

“Let It Be”  The Beatles

Buffy and Jonah had argued that they shouldn’t do two songs by the same artists, or if they were it was going to be Bon Jovi, but Cyrus and Andi had argued that, though Bon Jovi was a rock classic, The Beatles are indisputably one of the best bands of all time and would be more likely to gain them favor with the judges. In the end, Buffy and Jonah couldn’t dispute that, ergo, two Beatles’ songs.

Now, here they were, about to perform in front of the largest crowd they had ever faced(except for Buffy who had played and won the girls state championship all four years of high school) and two of their members were about to spontaneously combust. Buffy would have joined the boys in their pacing, but she was busy holding Andi, her girlfriend of four years now. As the nerves started to get the better of her, Buffy pulled the smaller girl closer to her chest.

The boys were still performing their destructive thought processes when a stagehand came up to the group. The four immediately whipped their heads toward them and they took a slight step back. “Uh, you’re on in five”, they told the group before hurrying off to whatever their next task was. This, surprisingly, seemed to calm Jonah, Buffy, and Cyrus down. The four of them exchanged glances with each other before heading over to the side of the stage. They looked out onto the stage where their competition was currently performing. They were good, that was a fact none of them could deny. But they were going to win. They were going to play until their bodies gave out until they couldn’t produce one more note, and they were going to win. It was a fact no one could dispute.

The other band finished their set and were met with roaring applause. The members smiled smugly at the small town kids as they passed them. The group was unfazed. They approached their respective instruments calmly and got set. They faced the crowd and they each took a deep breath. Buffy counted them off and then it was only them and the music. They had practiced this set so many times, they had had dreams of playing it. Even the toughest music critic wouldn’t be able to find a flaw in the band’s performance. The songs might not have been their own, but it was their music. They made it come alive unlike anyone in that hall had ever seen. The crowd was in awe.

As the last note faded into silence, the band became acutely aware of the crowd. Jonah was sure he was about to start panicking when a roar went through the crowd. The audience rose like a wave, cheering louder than even when Buffy had scored the winning basket in the state championship a few months ago. The band looked out in wonder as the crowd chanted their name. It was something out of a dream. Buffy, ever the leader, took Andi by the hand and pulled her up to where the boys stood together. The other band trudged onto the stage solemnly. The two competitors stood next to each other as the announcer called the winners. The other group never had a chance.

-----

Two weeks later, Cyrus woke up to his phone ringing off the hook. “Hello”, he answered, not even bothering to check it.

“CYRUS!”, screamed Andi on the other line. “Guess who just reached out to Bowie?”

“A hand?”, Cyrus answered jokingly.

“Westerlin Music and Sound Academy, dummy”, Buffy, who had taken the phone from Andi, answered. Cyrus was awake.

“No way, what did they want to talk about?”

“They want a meeting with us”, Buffy replied. Cyrus could hear Andi squealing in the background.

“Oh my god, does Jonah know?”, Cyrus asked, not believing his ears.

“No, we were just about to tell him”, Andi answered, having reclaimed the phone.

“Here lets all facetime him”, Cyrus offered, pulling the phone away from his face. Andi hummed her consent and hung up. Cyrus opened the facetime app and got on a joint call with Jonah and Andi. Andi picked up and the window showed her and Buffy curled up together on the couch. Buffy’s dad was on a business trip for the weekend, so Buffy was staying with her girlfriend. Cyrus had been so excited when they had gotten together, even if he did end up third-wheeling a lot. They were so perfect together and Cyrus couldn’t be happier.

Jonah picked up on the third ring, looking rumpled and sleep-deprived. “What’s so important that you have to call me at 9:40 in the morning?”, he asked blearily.

“JONAH!”, Andi and Cyrus shrieked in unison, causing the older boy to jump. “Westerlin Music and Sound Academy want to meet with us!”

The Boy’s face broke into a huge smile as he sat up in his bed. “No way, that’s awesome! When?”

“This Friday at one o’clock at the Red Rooster”, Buffy answered. The band had made the Red Rooster their official headquarters junior year, the same year that Bowie had bought it from its owner to keep it from becoming another chain store. The band had performed to raise money to put in a small recording studio for when they started recording some of Jonah’s songs. It was the perfect place to meet people who had an interest in them.  

“Oh my god, this is so amazing”, Andi squealed again. Cyrus and the others agreed. They had been hoping for something like this for forever. Cyrus wasn’t surprised, though. Everyone had been great at the BotB. It was something these guys deserved after all the long hours they had put in. Not to mention how stressed Buffy and Jonah were.

The band talked for a while before deciding to meet at the Spoon for celebratory milkshakes. Buffy said you shouldn’t celebrate before the game is over, but one look from her girlfriend ended that argument. They weren't going to meet until noon, so Cyrus decided to pull up Westerlin’s website for like, the umpteenth time since the boy had heard about them. Its header was a sprawling picture of the campus with a menu bar below it. Cyrus scrolled through the upcoming events before his eye caught one:

Classical Training Program Auditions

Monday, May 8th, 9:00 am

Robert Basil Music Hall, Hansen, Utah

Hey, that isn’t too far from here, Cyrus thought. Maybe he could convince the others to come. Then, he thought of the implications of the band at a classical audition. Nah. Cyrus was really the only one in the band who could enjoy the intricacies of classical music. The others, though able to enjoy a few pieces every now and again, would not be able to sit through multiple hours of music without lyrics in a fancy hall. Despite this, Cyrus felt an urge to go. If he was correct in assuming that Westerlin wanted him and the band to attend the school, he should start paying attention to other genres and potential rivals. The thought of being against anyone was slightly disconcerting, but Cyrus knew that if he wanted to attend the school, he would have to outperform the best of the best. The only problem was that he needed to find the best, first.

Cyrus continued to scroll through the University’s website until it was time to leave. He told his mom that he was going out with the others and that he would be back in a few hours. Cyrus grabbed his wallet and keys and was soon walking down toward the diner. Normally he would drive, but he wanted to enjoy the scenery that came with Shadyside in the springtime. He was always so stressed about school or the band or his future, that Cyrus rarely took time to just look around. The walk was not too long but it gave him ample time to just relax and take everything in. He enjoyed the relative silence knowing that it would be quite ruined when he reached he and his friend’s normal hangout. Cyrus was almost tired of being right.

As soon as the boy walked into the confines of the blue and white eatery, he was assaulted by loud sounds and the invasion of his personal space. The Spoon was packed. People were spilling out of the booths and crowding around the tables. Some friends and significant others were sitting on each other's laps. Cyrus was sure that they had exceeded the legal limit for customers, but he shook that thought out of his head. He looked around and found his friends sitting in a secluded booth in the corner. The small teen pushed through the crowd to reach his three friends.

Andi squealed when she saw him approaching. “Westerlin, guys! Can you believe it?” Her cry was answered by a fond look from Buffy, a small shake of the head from Jonah, and a bright smile from Cyrus. The group talked about what could happen at the meeting, all the sets they would play at the annual music presentation put on by the school, and what classes they could end up taking. The group talked for hours, the diner slowly emptying of its other patrons. When it started getting the dark, the band realized the time.

“Oh, we should get going”, Andi said, nudging her girlfriend.

“Date night?”, Cyrus asked as the couples slid out of the booth.

“Date night”, Buffy confirmed before they were out the door. Cyrus got up and switched to the other side to talk to Jonah better. The other boy gave him a smile, though it was clear to Cyrus that the boy wasn’t all there. Probably thinking about song lyrics, Cyrus thought as he sipped his drink. The two boys sat in comfortable silence while the sky steadily got darker. Cyrus supposed he would have to go home soon, but his thoughts were interrupted when he noticed Jonah staring at him.

“What?”, Cyrus asked, coming to attention.

“I think I like someone.” This was quite a shock to Cyrus. Jonah had had a plethora of girlfriends in middle school but after his second break-up with Amber, he hadn’t dated anyone. Cyrus had started to think that maybe Jonah was ace/aro and that dating the girls in middle school was just what he thought he should do, like what he did with Iris. This was a relatively big announcement.

“Really?”, Cyrus said loudly and Jonah gave him a look. “What’s her name?”, he asked in a quieter tone.  

“Um, well”, Jonah began, looking down at the table, his hands fidgeting nervously. “It’s not a girl.”

Cyrus smiled and took Jonah’s fidgeting hands. The other boy looked up and Cyrus gave him the most reassuring smile he could muster.

“What’s his name?”, Cyrus asked softly.

“H-His name’s Reed. You don’t know him. I met him at the concert a few weeks ago and we’ve been talking. I-I think I really like him, Cy”, Jonah said softly. “Also, I’m bi, by the way.”

“Well, I’m glad you could come to me with this. Does Reed know you like him?”

“I don’t think so, I only figured it out while I was sitting here.”

“Well you can be a little oblivious, Jonah Beck”, Cyrus teased. Jonah rolled his eyes and nudged Cyrus’s arm. The two boys smiled at each other for a bit before Cyrus realized that he should probably leave if he wants to get up early enough to make it to the audition’s tomorrow. The boy’s exchanged ‘good-nights’ and went there separate ways.

-----

TJ tugged at his suit nervously adjusting his collar and his cuffs. His friend Reed noticed his fidgeting and tugged his hands away from his clothes.

“Hey, calm down. You’ve been practicing for weeks, and even my punk ass knows that you’re awesome. You’re going to rock this”, he insisted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him as if it would help loosen him up.

“He’s right, dude”, his other friend Marty agreed. “You’ve practiced your butt off. There’s no way they won’t take you.” TJ smiled gratefully at his friends. TJ had known Reed since kindergarten, and TJ and Marty had played basketball together before track took over Marty’s life. TJ and Reed dated in middle school, and TJ had really gotten to know Marty after Marty broke up with Reed freshman year. TJ had also dated Marty for a bit, but they had soon come to terms that they were better off as friends.

Reed and Marty had made a duo thing sophomore year, and they had already flown through their audition last week with their guitar/drum duo. They wouldn’t be getting their results for another week, but it was pretty clear that they had been the best group there. Now, TJ was at his own audition and he was freaking out. But not about what his friends thought.

“Thanks, guys, but I’ve worked harder for this than basketball. It’s just”, TJ paused, scanning the crowd again before turning back to his friends. “He’s not here.”

The two bandmates exchanged glances before turning back to the pianist. Marty offered him a sympathetic smile, but Reed gave him a look. TJ knew how they felt about his boyfriend, trust him he knew, but Alex had been TJ’s constant since his dad left. Yeah, he had Reed and Marty, but they had been to close to the situation and they didn’t really know how to help. Alex had held him up while TJ tried to take care of his mom and sister, and they had been together for the last two years. In those two years, things had become more strained between them, though, and the relationship probably wasn’t worth what TJ did to maintain it. Still, he didn’t want to give it up, and it wasn’t like Alex was trying to destroy their relationship. Though, he wasn’t doing much to preserve it, either.    

Like today. Alex had been busy with family stuff the past few weeks, so they hadn’t gotten to see each other as much. He had promised that he would come to TJ’s audition and support him, but it was almost time for him to go on and Alex was nowhere to be seen. TJ checked his phone again, but there were no new messages from his boyfriend. The performer on stage was coming to their finale and it was almost time for TJ to go out. He turned back to his friends who were giving a mixed look of sympathy and encouragement before the stagehand indicated that it was time to go out.

TJ walked out and stood next to the piano before turning to address the judges. “Good morning. I am Tobias Kippen, and I will be playing Liszt's Liebestraume No. 3.” The judges jotted down a few things before the head judge signaled for him to begin. TJ sat down on the bench and took a deep breath before scanning the audience one last time. But the door stayed closed and Alex was nowhere to be seen. His eyes landed on a brown-haired boy at the end of a row. He couldn’t make out much of his features due to the lights in his face, but he could see that he was paying rapt attention, even more than some of the judges. TJ grinned for a reason he didn’t really understand before laying his fingers carefully on the keys. TJ closed his eyes before bringing the first notes to life.

TJ started off rather formal, playing the song as it was written. But as the pace got faster and the notes got louder, he pushed all of his feelings into them, the emotions roaring. The song cooled down and he got smoother, the notes coming out like buds in springtime, as he delved farther into the song. The notes seemed to communicate with each other, sometimes soft, sometimes crying out in bursts. The emotion in the song was the reason why he picked it, he could make people feel things through this song, but now he was regretting putting in so much emotion. He felt like he was tearing out his soul and was showing it for all the world to see. As the song faded out, he was scared to open his eyes. Gently, he pulled his hands away from the instrument and stood up.

Slowly, he turned to face the audience. He meant to look at the judges but he found his eyes landing on the brown-haired boy. His features were still obscured, but his eyes glowed. It was like the boy could feel the same emotions TJ himself was feeling. He found the boy staring right back at him and he was unable to look away. The audience applauded and he realized it was time for him to go. He tore his eyes away from the boy and walked to the eaves. Backstage, his friends were fist pumping and congratulating him. TJ smiled, but his mind drifted back to the boy in the audience. I wonder what his name is, TJ thought before heading off to change. He wouldn’t learn the results for a while, so there was no point in hanging around.

The trip made their way to a diner that they frequently populated and slid into a booth. It wasn’t too busy so a waitress came over right away.

“Hey guys”, the waitress, Sam said. Sam was an honorary member of their group. They had met her the start of sophomore year when she moved from Boston. She was epic, she had the best wingtips TJ ever saw and they really brought out her grey eyes. She had blond hair that was always highlighted with different colors, today’s being purple and green. She had come out as a lesbian at the end of junior year and had stolen Reed and Marty’s potential interests more than once.

“Hey Sam”, TJ said, while the other two scarfed down the fries Sam had knowingly brought to the table.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t go to your audition, Teej, but how did it go?”, Sam asked.

“It was awesome!”, Reed exclaimed, though his mouth was full so it came out more like “if hars aresome”.

“Yeah”, Marty continued. “Seriously, I’m pretty sure that’s the best you’ve ever played, dude.”

TJ shrugged and slumped back in his seat. Marty and Sam exchange looks while Reed continued to fill his mouth. TJ knew why they were concerned, they thought he was hung up about Alex. In all honesty, TJ hadn’t really expected him to show up. Sure, it would’ve been a pleasant surprise, but TJ could tell that whatever Alex had going on was just a way to avoid TJ and their crumbling relationship. No, TJ was bothered that while his relationship was worn and fraying, he was caught up on some guy he saw, one who he wouldn’t even recognize if he saw him again. TJ sighed. I’m all kinds of a mess, he thought. At least I can do music well.

————

Cyrus walked up to his friends who were freaking out in the backroom of Red Rooster Records. They all look quite frazzled, but Cyrus was unusually calm. Maybe because he wasn’t entirely focused on the meeting about to take place. Cyrus hadn’t been able to get the image of that blonde guy at the piano, nor the sound of the piano. He had found the song that the guy, Tobias, had been playing, but it sounded nothing like the way he played it. It just lacked the emotions that the guy’s playing had given him. He could still hear the song playing faintly in his head.

He was snapped out of his memory by Bowie approaching them with a man and a woman in formal attire. They exchanged pleasantries before heading into the studio’s meeting room. The woman explained how they had liked their performance and that they thought the band could go quite far in the music game. They ended their pitch with scholarships to Westerlin for the four of them, and even though they tried to play it cool, Cyrus thought Andi had replied a little too eagerly.  

The rest of the meeting was filled with signing papers and discussing the terms of their scholarships. They would all go to classes and they would perform at school venues regularly. They would be playing with other bands that share our style regularly, so it was a key factor to get the best spots in the show so that you more well-known when the entire year plays at the showcase in the winter. The band nodded along, understanding. When they had finished everything, the two officials had shaken their hands and left, leaving the band to freak out in peace.

Cyrus smiled at his friend’s antics as they jumped around the room, Buffy spinning Andi around and Jonah fist pumping. I wonder if that guy got in, Cyrus thought as Bowie patted him on the back.

-------

TJ paced around his room while his sister Amber lounged on his bed. It was a week after the audition and the results were supposed to be sent out today. Reed and Marty had already gotten their letters and were going to start moving up there next month. Sure, TJ had gotten a lot of offers for basketball, and he had some pretty good schools to fall back on, but it was more the fact knowing that even his best couldn’t get him into a school like this.

“Calm down”, Amber said, not even looking up from her phone. “There’s nothing you can do right now. If you get in, you get in if you don’t, you don’t.”

Amber had gotten into NYU last year and according to her, she was “on top of both the class and the social ladder”, though TJ wasn’t so sure since she was home at least two weeks early and checking her messages every other minute. She claimed that she had just finished her exams early and she was looking to see what classes she could sign up for next year. Ok, Amber, flashed across TJ’s mind before the worry set in again. When TJ started to think that maybe he was overexaggerating, his computer pinged.

All thoughts of overexaggerating left his head as he dove toward his desk. He saw the new notification badge and an email from Westerlin beneath it. Now that the email was here, TJ started freaking out even more. He stared at his inbox for a while before grabbing a small rubber basketball he had on his desk and tossing it between his hands. Again, he started to pace, still tossing the basketball. Amber, supposedly sensing his distress, finally looked up from her phone.

“Did you get in?”, she asked, confused.

“Haven’t looked yet”, his simple reply came. She gaped at him before throwing a pillow at his head.

“Well, look already!” TJ glared at his sister before sighing and turning back towards his computer. He sighed and, knowing he had to do it eventually, stalked over to his laptop and clicked on the notification. Amber threw another pillow at him.

------2 MONTHS LATER: MOVING DAY FOR THE GHC+JONAH

Cyrus hauled his luggage up the stairs, trailing behind Jonah as they made they’re way to their dorms. Buffy and Andi had their own buildings across the street and the boys had already helped them up to their dorm, though they had stayed behind to set their’s up. They said that they would help bring up the rest of the boys’ stuff when they were done. So now, Jonah and Cyrus were hauling what they could carry up the dorms to find they’re rooms. Finally, they made it to their floor.

“Looks like we’re across the hall from each other”, Jonah said. There were whiteboards on all the doors, and on two parallel entrances were the names ‘Cyrus Goodman’ and ‘Jonah Beck’, both below two unfamiliar names. Cyrus sighed, disappointed to not be with his friend, but he shot the boy a smile and went to open his door.

Cyrus had opened the door and was carrying his suitcases into the room before he noticed two people lounging on a bed. He looked up suddenly to see two blonde boys, one rather skinny, the other obviously experienced in years of athletics, and rather familiar.

“Oh”, Cyrus said surprised, straightening up. “I’m sorry I didn’t know anyone was in here.”

The athletic boy laughed, and sound that gave Cyrus a slight tingle in the bottom of his stomach.

“It’s no problem dude, Cyrus?”, he asked, standing up and offering his hand, which Cyrus shook, not taking his eyes off of the boy’s. “TJ Kippen. This is my friend, Reed.”  

Cyrus was reminded of where he had seen the boy when Jonah appeared.

“Hey Cy, need any…”, Jonah trailed off as his eyes landed on the blonde boy on the bed. Reed’s eyes seemed to shine less with mischief and more with pleasant surprise when Jonah appeared.

“H-Hey”, Jonah stuttered, cheeks darkening.

“Hey”, Reed answered, sitting up a little straighter. The boys just stared at each other while the two roommates looked back and forth between them.

“I’m guessing your Camp Guy?”, TJ asked Jonah, breaking him out of his boy-induced daze.

“Camp Guy?”, he asked with his usual obliviousness while Reed threw a pillow at TJ, giving him a glare. TJ laughed as Reed started to ramble.

“It’s nothing, he’s being an idiot, as usual, let’s go outside”, Reed pulled Jonah from the room and down the hall before Cyrus could interject.

TJ watched the two go with a smile on his face before turning back to Cyrus. He looked over his stuff before picking his luggage up and carrying it to the other bed. Cyrus, already quite surprised at the revelation of his roommate's identity, was even more confused when he did this. Nonetheless, he was able to get some form of thought out.

“I know you”, Cyrus blurted. TJ turned back and raised his eyebrow and Cyrus quickly carried on. “At least, I saw you, at the classical auditions. Y-You were really good. But you introduced yourself as Tobias.”

TJ got a strange look on his face, a mix between surprise, recognition, and another emotion Cyrus couldn’t make out. Suddenly, he was really close and he was staring into Cyrus’s eyes. Cyrus felt like he couldn’t breathe as he stood frozen underneath the other boy’s gaze. With his eyes boring into him, Cyrus couldn’t help but get a little bit lost in them.

“It’s you”, TJ murmured, before his eyes really started to focus on Cyrus. The boys stayed frozen, just looking at each other. Suddenly, TJ seemed to realize what he was doing and quickly backed out of Cyrus’s personal space. Cyrus could immediately feel the lack of his presence.

TJ looked down and cleared his throat nervously. “Well, uh, do need help moving your stuff?

-------FIRST DAY OF CLASSES

TJ cracked open his eyes as his alarm continued to blare. Across the room, Cyrus groaned and rolled up tighter in his cocoon. TJ smiled tiredly at the sight before reaching over to shut off his alarm. Inch by inch he got out of bed, before finally escaping his comfort cave. He sighed before grabbing his bathroom stuff, shaking Cy a little bit to get him moving, and heading to the showers. On his way there, he contemplated the last month since he’d met Cyrus.

It was obvious--to TJ anyway--that they had been drawn to each other from the start, something that could be quite dangerous in the long run. Especially since TJ was still with Alex, though you wouldn’t know unless you had talked to Reed or Marty, which, unfortunately, Cyrus had. Now that Reed and Jonah were dating/not dating and Buffy and Marty had basically been joined at the hip due to their bi-ness and love of percussion, their friend groups were properly tangled. Which might not be the best thing when you’re interested in someone who wasn’t your boyfriend.

As TJ properly tried to decipher the mess he got himself in, he quickly got ready for the first day of classes. Well, the first day of general classes, TJ and the rest of the classical program had already had their first uniform lessons. The classes for the less specific programs and the general course classes only started today. These were the classes the others were taking and the few courses TJ would share with the rest of his friends, some of which also had specific courses.

TJ went back to his room, where Cyrus was stumbling around, gathering his stuff in a tired daze. A smile formed on his face at the sight and help direct the tired boy around the room and out the door. When his roommate had gone, TJ gathered up his stuff and shoved them in his bag, though he doubted he would need many books. He paused for a minute, before getting Cyrus’s stuff ready as well. Cyrus came in, showered, dressed, and a little more awake, while TJ was rechecking their class schedules. TJ looked up with a smile to find Cyrus looking at him sleepily, making TJ’s heart stutter.

“Uh, um”, TJ articulated gracefully, pulling his eyes away from the brunette. “We should get going. Is Jonah up?”

“Uh, yeah, he said he’d meet us downstairs”, Cyrus replied, turning his face away, but not before TJ caught a slight blush on it.

“Cool, I guess we should head down, then”, TJ said offering Cyrus his bag, which he accepted bashfully. The two roommates then made they’re way downstairs where they found Reed and Jonah talking with Marty shooting Reed looks that he was ignoring.

“Hey, y’all ready to go?”, Marty asked, seeing the boys coming down the stairs.

“Let’s roll”, Reed replied, draping his arm across Jonah’s shoulders and making the other boy blush. The five of them headed out and met up with Buffy and Andi, also draped against each other. When they reached the main school building, Andi, Jonah, and Marty split off to their own classes, leaving Reed, Cyrus, Buffy, and TJ to head to their morning class.

The four walked into the building with little thought of the class inside. Cyrus seemed to be the only one paying attention because the other three nearly walked past the classroom. The four entered the room to find a few rows of rafters, different instruments scattered around the room, a desk at the front, and about 20 kids scattered across the room in groups. Reed and Cyrus went to check out the guitars, Buffy the two sets of drums in the corner, and TJ walked over to the baby grand in the back, the only abandoned instrument. Guess there aren’t a lot of classical musicians in this class.

------

The kids wandered around examining the instruments for a while when suddenly the door opened again, revealing a middle-aged man in jeans and a leather jacket. Everything about him reminded Cyrus of Bowie.

“Well, you guys sure seem excited”, he said with a grin, walking over to the desk and shrugging off his jacket and revealing a t-shirt for a band Cyrus didn’t recognize. The kids chuckled and settled down, lounging on whatever free area there was in the room as the teacher went through roll call.

“Ok”, the man began, clapping his hands together. “Welcome to General Sound 101. In this class, we’ll be combining all different type of musicians together to create sounds that aren’t very mainstream. I know a lot of you got here through your own bands, but our goal in this class is to pull apart and reorganize people to create something new.”

The kids nodded, though a few seemed apprehensive of the idea, Cyrus included. He didn’t know how well he could play without his bands. Sure, he knew he could in essence, but it wasn’t something he was very confident in.

“Reed Glas, Jonah Beck, and Buffy Driscoll”, the teacher said, drawing the classes attention. He waved his hand and they came up to his desk. He said a few things before handing them all sheet music and directing them toward their respective instruments. Buffy got her sticks and sat at the drums, and Jonah and Reed both picked up guitars before saying a few words to each other. They seemed to come to an agreement because they soon started playing. Cyrus knew exactly what they were playing and grinned as Reed began to sing.

“I’ll be strumming my ax in a basement dive, with my totally kickass band…”

The trio really started to get into it as the reached the chorus.

“When I climb to the top of Mount Rock. And I’m there staring down from the heights…”

The class really started to get into it and Cyrus was very amused by the fact that they were singing a song from a musical, knowing Buffy’s and Jonah’s opinions on them. They were starting to reach the piano part and Cyrus was wondering how they were going to pull it when he heard the notes coming from the back. TJ was sitting at the instrument like it was made for him. He spared a look up and he and Reed shared a grin as the song got faster and Buffy and Jonah joined back in. When the trio was back to their pure rock song, TJ slid off the bench and strolled over to Cyrus as the watched Jonah riff. The song ended to applause from the class.

“Well, I see you know your musical theater”, the teacher said, also clapping.

“Musical theater?”, Buffy asked in disbelief causing Cyrus to burst out laughing. The teacher grinned before heading back over to his desk.

“Cyrus Goodman”, the teacher suddenly called, causing Cyrus to snap his head up. “Don McLean, 1971.”

Cyrus grinned. Way too easy, he thought as he pulled a confused TJ toward the piano. There was sheet music on the stand and Cyrus didn’t have to shuffle around too much before he found it and set it in front of him. Cyrus turned around, hoping to get some help, but one guy was already getting on the drums, and a girl and boy were strapping on an electric guitar and a bass. They looked up and nodded at Cyrus who grinned and indicated for TJ to start.         

“A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile…”, Cyrus began as TJ started to play. As he sang the opening verses, he started making his way over to an acoustic guitar, strapping it on.

“I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride. But something touched me deep inside, the day the music died....”

Cyrus started strumming as he sang and he knew that’s when he caught them. Buffy and Jonah stared at him just like that first day as the others joined in. The song was long, but it was definitely one of Cyrus's favorites. Unlike most of the songs today, it told an actual story. It was one of the only songs that made Cyrus feel like he could do anything in the world. He closed his eyes as the music washed over him. He could tell it was affecting the class as well. Cyrus had never played with any of the others who had risen to help, but he could feel the connection the song was giving them. The song faded back to piano and Cyrus relaxed walking back over to TJ, who was focused intensely since he’d never played this song before.

“And they were singing, “Bye, bye, Miss American Pie…”

Cyrus strummed as the others joined in making up the chorus. The last notes fell away and Cyrus was hit with an overwhelming sense of calm. The class applauded and Cyrus thanked the people who had helped, before heading over to his friends, who were still awestruck.

“So, what did you guys think?”, he asked, knowing he was being a little cocky.

“Cy-Cyrus”, Buffy got out.

“When did you learn that?”, Jonah asked.

Cyrus shrugged. “My dad played it a lot, so I figured I would learn how to play it, though I only know the vocals, bass, and acoustic guitar parts.

Reed shook his head, “Well, aren’t you full of surprises.”  

Cyrus chuckled before turning back to TJ who was smiling back at him.

“Thanks for coming to help. I didn’t know any other piano players”, Cyrus said.

“It was no problem, Cy. It’s a good song, and if you like it so much, maybe I should learn it.”

Cyrus blushed, but before he could answer, their professor was calling up more people and the process started again.

------

It was two weeks later and Cyrus and TJ were in their room working on assignments, Cyrus strumming his bass and TJ trying out cords on the keyboard he had gotten. Suddenly, Reed burst through their door.

“Dude”, he said quickly. “Did you know Alex was here?”

“What?”, TJ said jumping up.

“I saw him in the lobby”, Reed cried. “I rushed up before he could see me.”

“Are-”, TJ was cut off by his phone ringing. He felt like an animal trapped in a corner. That’s absurd, you haven’t done anything, he thought, but he just because it was true, didn’t mean he believed it. TJ grabbed his phone and clicked the answer button before answering.

“Hey, babe, what’s up?”, he asked on reflex.

“Nothing much”, he answered. “Just hanging out in the lobby of your dorm building.”

“Really?”, TJ asked, trying to sound surprised.

“Reed told you, didn’t he?”, he replied, unimpressed.

“Yeah, but it’s still a surprise. I’ll be down in a sec okay?”

“Yeah, see you in a bit.”

TJ hung up and slipped his phone into his pocket before throwing on a shirt and slipping on his sneakers. He was just about to leave when a voice made him stop in his tracks.

“Your boyfriend’s here?”, Cyrus asked from his bed. Seeing him sitting there sent butterflies to his stomach and a stake through his heart.

“Yeah”, TJ answered. Cyrus nodded and looked down at his bass, strumming out a melancholy chord. All TJ wanted to do was sit back down and maybe listen to Cyrus sing again, but he didn’t. He made himself turn around and head out the door, making his way to his boyfriend. Your boyfriend, TJ’s head reminded him. Who came all the way from SLC to see you.

TJ’s head was still full of worries as he walked into the lobby. He looked around and saw his boyfriend leaning up against a wall staring down at his phone. The sight of him used to send butterflies to TJ’s stomach, but now he just felt guilty. TJ took a breath to steady himself and made his way over to Alex. When he got close, he looked up and his signature smile appeared on his face, though his eyes didn’t quite match it. TJ forced a smile before kissing him, but it was like kissing a stranger.  

“Hey babe”, TJ said, trying to sound happy. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I had some business here and so I figured I’d come and surprise you”, Alex said, pushing back his too-long brown hair. “I haven’t seen you since I helped you move up.”

“How long are you staying?”, TJ asked, hoping not for too long.

“I have to meet some guys today, but I figured we could go get dinner tonight? My treat of course.”

“Y-Yeah”, TJ agreed surprised. It’d been months since Alex had planned a date. “Yeah, of course. What time?”

“Uh, seven?”, Alex suggested. TJ nodded and he flashed TJ a smile before kissing him on the cheek and taking off.

Once Alex was gone, TJ released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He sighed as he turned back around to find Reed standing a ways behind him. He had his arms crossed and was giving TJ a look that he promptly ignored. TJ headed back up the stairs and only relaxed once he had gotten to his door. He shot Reed, who had followed him up, a look before heading inside.

TJ didn’t look at Cyrus as he headed back to his bed, but he could feel his eyes all the way. He plopped onto his bed and pulled his keyboard back into his lap before glancing at Cyrus.

“What?”, he asked though it wasn’t defensive.

“Are you not going out with your boyfriend?”, he asked unabashedly.

TJ shrugged. “We have plans for later tonight but we both have stuff to do right now.”

“Oh”, Cyrus said quietly. TJ glances up to see Cyrus looking down at his sheet music, a slight smile on his face. TJ’s heart skipped a beat before he looked back down at his own music.

—————

Cyrus watched as TJ moved around their room, getting ready for his date. Thinking about TJ’s boyfriend downstairs sent a pang to his heart, so he moved his eyes up to his roommate. That wasn’t such a good idea he realized when he saw what the blonde boy was wearing. TJ might have been an athlete, but he was always finding ways to break gender norms. He had on dark-wash jeans and a pink cropped hoodie. He had done his eyeliner in Winehouse style and wore a little bit of foundation, but other than that his face was clean. He wore his hair mostly ungelled, but he wore his contacts since he was going out. Stunning, was the only thought Cyrus’s gay disaster brain could form.

When he saw Cyrus looking at him, TJ smirked in his usual infuriating way. He turned around and rummaged in his closet before pulling out two pairs of shoes. One pair were some uber-expensive kicks TJ almost never wore and some low-rise heeled boots.

“Whattya think?”, TJ asked, holding up the two pairs of shoes for Cyrus to see.

“Um”, Cyrus articulated gracefully. TJ quirked an eyebrow and Cyrus knew he was enjoying Cyrus’s meltdown.

“Boots”, Cyrus said suddenly. TJ gave him a slightly surprised look but nodded and put the sneakers back. He sat down on his bed to put on the boots. When he stood up, he was even taller, though the height difference between him and Cyrus was already so large, the added inch didn’t really do anything. TJ nodded, satisfied and smiled at Cyrus before giving him a small salute.

“See you later, Goodman. Don’t have too much fun without me”, TJ said as he grabbed his keys, phone, and wallet and left the dorm.

Cyrus sat on his bed for a while. He didn’t like how attached he’d gotten to TJ. Good job, Goodman, he thought. You went from crushing on straight guys to crushing on gay guys with a boyfriend. Cyrus groaned and flopped backward, hating life at that moment. He laid like that for a while before he felt his phone buzz. He checked it and saw it was his band. Apparently, they had been able to find an unbooked practice room and was wondering if he wanted to join them.

Cyrus didn’t even think about declining, standing up and pulling on his shoes and grabbing his keys and phone. He walked out of the dorm, his anger rising steadily higher. What was he angry at exactly? Cyrus couldn’t tell you. Maybe it was himself, maybe TJ, maybe TJ’s boyfriend, maybe the whole universe, but the only thing that mattered to Cyrus was that he was mad. He walked to the training rooms in a haze. He walked down hallway after hallway before finding the door.  Cyrus slammed the door when he entered the music room.

“Cy?”, Andi’s concerned voice asked as the boy grabbed his bass. Instead of standing at his normal mic, he walked to center stage, prepping his guitar. He was too angry to feel guilty about not asking first, but the others seemed to know what he wanted. Cyrus scrolled through the electronic music sheets on the iPad standing in front of him. He finally found the song and sent it to the others. It wasn’t his normal genre, but it got the point across. He took a deep breath and the band began to play.

“Hey, hey, tell me what you want me to say. You know I’m stupid for you...”

Cyrus got lost in the music of the stupid song. He pushed all the emotions that he’d been holding back for the past few weeks and just played the new song as best he could. If his band was bothered or surprised, they didn’t show it. Cyrus doubted they had ever heard the song before, Cyrus didn’t until Marty had showed it to him, but none of them were complaining. If anything, Jonah was playing just as hard as Cyrus, though he didn’t know why since this limbo state he and Reed were at is usual where Jonah flourished. Things must have changed in the last four years.

Cyrus could feel his anger draining away as they closed out the song. He was breathing heavily and when the last notes where played, he flopped down onto the floor. He just sat there with his head buried in his arms while his band looked at him worriedly. Cyrus heard the door open and close, but he didn’t think anything of it. He only looked up when he felt another body sit down beside him. Jonah just sat next to him in silence for a bit before deciding to start talking.

“I don’t know where things are going with Reed”, he said, looking at his hands. “I know where I want things to go, but neither of us are the “let’s discuss our relationship” type of people.”

Jonah sighed. “I just wish I knew what he was thinking.”

“Why don’t you ask him?”, Cyrus asked quietly, his head still laying on his knees. Jonah shrugged before turning toward Cyrus and giving him a small smile.

“Why don’t you ask TJ what he’s thinking”, Jonah countered.

“That’s different”, Cyrus mumble, looking away. “He has a boyfriend.”

“Does he want that boyfriend?”

“I’m not going to let TJ cheat on his boyfriend because I like him”, Cyrus exclaimed exasperated.

“I never said you should”, Jonah replied. “I just meant that you should ask him if he would rather be with you.”

“I can’t do that Jonah”, Cyrus sighed. “I can’t get in between him and his boyfriend. And what if he says no? Then I have to share a room with a guy who rejected me because I asked him to break up with his boyfriend for me. Does that sound like a reasonable thing to do?”

Cyrus was quite exasperated now, but Jonah just shrugged and laid on his back. After a minute, Cyrus groaned and flopped back.

“I just don’t know what to do”, Cyrus groaned. “I can’t share a room with the guy I’m pining for! It just...it’ll hurt too much.”

Cyrus’s anger had long drained out of him. Now he was just a mess. Cyrus was pretty sure TJ already knew Cyrus liked him but living with a guy he knows he could never have. It shouldn’t feel as bad as his crush on Jonah was, but it was, and that’s how Cyrus knew he was in some deep trouble. Way too attached, Cyrus thought as he just stared at the ceiling. It seemed like he had only been lying there for a few minutes, but when he finally sat up, he found himself alone, and hours have passed. It wasn’t unusual for Cyrus to lose time thinking about stuff but it had been a while since it last happened.

Cyrus staggered up and slowly walked out the door. Laying on the hard floor had not done good things to his back, neck, and shoulders. Cyrus tried to massage his muscles as he made his way through the hallways. He was about to turn a corner when he heard soft notes coming from a room down the other hall. Cyrus cautiously approached the room. It had been dark for a while and the only light in the room was coming from the iPad on the piano that showed the sheet music. The notes coming from the instrument were soft and sad. Cyrus made out light green eyes and wavy hair leaning over the piano. TJ.

Cyrus tiredly made his way across the room, careful not to scare his friend. There was a couch in the corner, so Cyrus slinked onto that. He sat for a while just listening to the song. He could tell that TJ was aware of his presence. Cyrus closed his eyes, letting the song wash over him. He started to drift off to the sound of TJ’s heartbreak.

————

TJ had walked out of the dorm confident. Well, as confident as you can be when you’re going on a date with a boyfriend that you didn’t love anymore. He knew the very-not-subtle flirting he had done while he was getting dressed wasn’t fair, not to Cyrus nor to him. But he had needed to know if Cyrus felt the same if he was going to finally do this. Alex was his safety net. The only way he could cut himself free from the boy was if he knew that someone was there to make sure he didn’t break. Of course, he won’t know he can catch you if you never tell him how you feel, TJ’s mind shot back. It was too smart.

TJ sighed as he walked out of the dorm building. He was just about to check his messages when he feels a hand touch his elbow. He looked up to see Alex looking up at him.

“Hey”, he said. “Ready to go?”

TJ nodded and they started walking. They fell into silence, not awkward, but not comfortable either. More routine. TJ could feel it, the thing they had become. They weren’t a couple, TJ had realized when Alex had shown up. They hadn’t been for a long time. Now, they were just each other’s safety nets. Alex was following TJ through the town, but TJ wasn’t going to a restaurant. He might’ve been dressed up for a date, but it felt more like business, so he made his way to a small all-hour cafe TJ and his friends had found. Alex was confused, but he followed TJ in. They sat at a table and silently waited to be served. The waitress came and went but neither of them talked until their drinks were cold.

TJ sighed. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?”, Alex asked, playing dumb.

“This, us. Neither of us are happy. You’ve been so distracted lately and I’ve”, TJ paused. “And I don’t love you anymore.”

“You love someone else”, Alex completed the sentence TJ wasn’t strong enough to. TJ nodded feeling guilty. Alex had been looking down at his drink the entire time. He finally lifted his eyes to TJ’s.

“You’re right”, Alex complied. “I haven’t been a boyfriend to you. I got so used to the idea that’d you’d just be there, that I started taking you for granted. That’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

TJ nodded and they stared at each other before Alex started to get up. He was about to leave when he called over his shoulder, “For the record, I did love you, Kippen. I hope this guy of yours knows how lucky he is.” And with that, he was gone.

TJ has wandered around for a bit, trying to think of a way to explain all of this to Cyrus. He finally decided to go to the training rooms to clear his head. He played a few songs varying between sad and freeing. The song he was playing was particularly sad when Cyrus wandered in, looking exhausted. He stumbled to the couch as TJ continued to play. Even after Cyrus had drifted off to sleep, TJ played. Finally, TJ was too tired to play another note. He went over to the couch but Cyrus wouldn’t wake up. TJ groaned but picked up the smaller boy anyway.

TJ carried Cyrus through campus and into their form building. TJ glared at the stairs before he broached the challenge. Eventually, TJ made it up the stairs and down the hall. He carefully opened the door to their room and laid Cyrus on one of the beds. TJ tiredly wiped the makeup away from his face before collapsing into the other. Sleep quickly overtook him.

———— TWO MONTHS LATER

It had been two months since the breakup and Cyrus and TJ were still dancing around each other. Their friends constantly complained about it, not understanding, but the two boys knew they couldn’t jump into a relationship immediately. So here they were, two months later and stuck between friends and the need to be closer than that. Cyrus found that it was significantly easier to live with the guy he was pining after when he was pining after him too. But the most infuriating part was that neither of them knew when to say enough was enough. How long were they just going to flirt and glance at each other across rooms and go on not dates before they turned it into a relationship?

Two months apparently.

Now, Cyrus was sure it would’ve gone on for longer, much, much longer, but luckily for them, one of them wasn’t very good at keeping things a secret. Well, at least that’s how Cyrus saw it anyway. TJ still thinks it wouldn’t have happened if Cyrus hadn’t been Spotify stalking him, but it doesn’t matter. The important thing was that it happened. And yes, it was because of music.

It was like any other day for Cyrus, TJ woke him up, he rolls out of bed and tried not to stare too much when TJ came back from the showers, showered, headed to breakfast with his friends, goes to class, has lunch, comes back to the dorm and plans on studying. Except Cyrus didn’t have any homework. And TJ had an extra class that day. So Cyrus was just sitting there, bored to death. Music usually helped, so he went to Spotify, but he couldn’t get interested in any of his playlists. So he goes over to TJ’s account and looks through his public ones. The most recently played one was titled ‘Play Me A Memory’. Despite the reference, not one Billy Joel song was in there. Instead, the first five songs were the set Cyrus played with his band. He got curious, so he listened to the playlist.

Oh, Cyrus thought as he listened to the songs. He played our memories. The second song was the one TJ auditioned with. The second and third were the ones they played in class. Then there was the song Cyrus had sung the night TJ and Alex broke up(how he knew about that, he only guessed one of his friends). Then there was the song that Cyrus had heard when he first walked into the room TJ was playing the piano in. After that, it changed. It went from songs that involved them, to songs that must have reminded TJ of him.

Cyrus day on his bed in shock. He knew that TJ liked him, maybe even loved him, but this is beyond what he thought TJ could feel for him. The more he listened, the stronger his emotions got, and the more he just wanted to run out of the room to find him. But Cyrus just continued to listen as his eyes filled moth tears. That’s how TJ found him, kneeling on the bed, crying to a playlist TJ had made about him. When TJ walked in the door, Cyrus marched up to him and kissed him, without any hesitation. No more dancing around. TJ was surprised, but he returned the kiss quickly. When they separated, Cyrus buried his face into TJ’s chest.

“I can’t believe you”, Cyrus said quietly.  When TJ just gave him a confused look, Cyrus rolled his eyes and gave TJ one of his earbuds. TJ eyes widened when he heard the song. He tried quickly to explain, but Cyrus just held up a hand.

“You could’ve just asked me out, you know?”, he asked, a slight smirk on his face. TJ rolled his eyes, but then looked down at Cyrus rather seriously.

“Cyrus Goodman. Will you go out with me?” And oh, it was the sweetest song Cyrus had ever heard.

So now, here they were, two weeks after that and now on their third date, which Buffy and Andi insisted being a triple date with Reed and Jonah. They were hanging out around campus and just enjoying the company. Adding more memories to the playlist.

yeah, so that was fun. love posting at four in the morning. (anyone who liked the post was tagged unless problems occurred)

@judgemental-llama @thattyruslover @babytaters4life @paytonotinthemood @itslynxa @that-multi-fandom-boi @optimisticbailiffpurseempath @tyrusmuffins @forthemystery @dearrinsecurity @tyrusgavemerights @tyruswimgs @a-bittersweet-gal @meanie13 @aka-introvert @sadiesviolets @lolabug722 @godshrimpdick @lillianpage019 @spawnofthemarauders 

[ixeliema]

Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17/04/2021 (Polo G, Dave, Doja Cat & SZA, Taylor Swift)

Okay, so, UK Singles Chart time – all hell broke loose. I knew Taylor Swift and Dave would make an impact but I was also not expecting all of the chaos to come with it. With that said, Lil Nas X is still at #1 for a third week with “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)” and let’s just get through with this. This is REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

In this starting rundown segment, I’ve got a lot to cover so I’ll make it quick, no nonsense. First of all, I cover the UK Top 75. Why the top 75? I’m difficult – even though it’s actually more convenient. Secondly, the notable drop-outs – songs that peaked in the top 40 or spent more than five weeks on the chart that are gone from the top 75 this week thanks to this avalanche of 14 or so new arrivals. This week, we say goodbye to a bunch of our debuts from last week as well as “telepatía” by Kali Uchis, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers and several #1 hits, including “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I and finally, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi, after spending a whopping 113 weeks in this region... despite being terrible. I mean, it’ll be back next week but celebrate the little victories, like our returns, for example. “X Gon’ Give it to Ya” by the late DMX is back at #72 after the passing of the hip-hop icon last week. This legendary song was actually one of his later hits – not even a hit in the States – and originally peaked at #6 in the UK back in 2003. We sadly don’t see anything else from DMX returning but we do also see Taylor Swift’s re-recorded version of “Love Story” revisiting the charts at #45 off the album boost.

Now for the songs that fell or rose this week, starting with the notable losses, being songs that dropped five spots or more. First, we have “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #13, followed by “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #17, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber at #20, “Save Your Tears” by the Weeknd at #22, “Up” by Cardi B at #23, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #25, “Latest Trends” by AI x JI plummeting at #28, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G at #29, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #34, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #35, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #40, “Black Hole” by Griff at #41, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man at #43, “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #44, “Binding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46, “Goosebumps” by HVME and Travis Scott at #47, “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #48, “Medicine” by James Arthur at #49, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #50, “Met Him Last Night” by Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande at #54 off of the debut, “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #58, Doja Cat’s “Streets” at #60 and “Best Friend” with Saweetie at #61, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track featuring D-Block Europe at #62, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #63, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #66, “Track Star” by Mooski at #67, “Headshot” by Lil Tjay, Fivio Foreign and Polo G at #73, “What Other People Say” by Sam Fischer and Demi Lovato at #74 and finally, whatever’s left of Drake as “What’s Next” is at #68 and “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” with Rick Ross is at #70.

Our gains are arguably more interesting, as it’s impressive to climb five spots or higher or reach the top 40 for the first time in the midst of all this nonsense. Therefore, we do have just a few gains, those being “Runaway” by AURORA at #51 off of the debut, “Nice to Meet Ya” by Wes Nelson featuring Yxng Bane making a surprise attack at the top 40 going to #39 off of the debut, “Good Without” by Mimi Webb at #18 and “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe and RAYE continuing its gains up to #16. That’s pretty much it – still took a while – so let’s get through those 14 new arrivals, huh? God help me.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)” – Fred again.. and The Blessed Madonna

Produced by Boston Bun and Fred again..

This is one of the songs that really padded out our new arrivals list – to explain, a lot of the time, these songs were released weeks ago and only now gain enough traction to debut within the top 75 and hence be discussed by me. This one just happens to have popped up in a week where everything is going on already so it kind of gets lost in incoherency but regardless, this is a song from Ed Sheeran’s producer Fred Gibson, who I refuse to call by his stage name, from his most recent project featuring vocals from The Blessed Madonna, most commonly known right now as the producer and DJ behind the club mix edition of Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia and hence the “Levitating” remix with Missy Elliott and, well, actual Madonna. The song itself is one I’m surprised is about anything but has these mostly spoken word vocals about how we as a world have “lost dancing” to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as hugs, and, well, that’s all she decides to elaborate about. She also guarantees that once everything is over, “what comes next will be marvellous”. Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I think it’s almost a dangerous promise, given that we’ll be in this pandemic for longer than anyone expected and it’s pretty evident that we’ll still be keeping to social distancing as the vaccine roll-out continues all throughout this year. At this point, we’re still in lockdown and international travel will still be stunted for years after the fact. This song feels like The Blessed Madonna getting on her pedestal about the arts and their impact on people without going into any detail that warrants the soapbox, bizarrely over some synth-heavy deep house beat that decides to do little more than flutter through the entirety of the five-minute runtime. Yeah, this is pretty insufferable. Next.

#71 – “Slumber Party” – Ashnikko featuring Princess Nokia

Produced by CallMeTheKidd

Okay, so TikTok picks this one up and the label then decides to push this over “Deal with It”, a brilliant pop song that was right there and already had the high-budget video to boot? Regardless, this is taken from Ashnikko’s debut mixtape of sorts, Demidevil, and whilst as a whole the project does little more than act as harmless fun guising as anything more, a couple of the singles are genuinely pretty great, including this one, which seems to be a break-out hit for rapper Princess Nokia. This song relies on the jerkiness of its almost DJ Mustard-esque club beat and that warped might-be-a-flute loop to support Ashnikko’s similarly sloppy delivery, which decides to be as in character in possible – of which I mean that it is obnoxious and frankly ridiculously stupid. This isn’t a “slumber party” at all, and whilst the childish implications are if anything kind of unnerving, there is a lot of fun to be had here if you get past the “kawaii hentai boobies” in the chorus. Nokia’s verse continues the album’s general early 2000s aesthetic with her referencing many hits and singers from that time period in a pretty slick albeit one-and-done verse that should really be extended further than it is. I mean, I would have preferred that to Ashnikko’s second verse comparing her girlfriend to the little girl from The Addams Family, before mentioning how her eyes go black when she orgasms and that her spit tastes like Juicy Fruit gum. Okay, so when it comes to filthy lesbian rap I think I prefer acts like BASSIDE but for what it’s worth, this is surreal and fun enough for me to like. I hope it does well, but know she has better songs even on that same tape.

#69 – “Versus” – SL and M1llionz

Produced by Lucas Dante and Yng Cld

Oh, hey, another drill track by two guys produced by two guys for two guys to rap about how cool it is to be the two guys they are. I guess the gimmick here is that the single actually has an instrumental version as well for whatever reason; I guess they want people to remix the track. That would make sense, as this beat is immediately recognisable from that chipmunk squeak of a glitched vocal sample they use. In fact, I think I prefer the instrumental version because when those booming 808s come in, it hits really hard especially with the scattering drill percussion. SL and M1llionz are trading bars here in what is basically one verse and it’s not like they’re saying nothing of interest here as there is a viable enough amount of detail here in these bars about exactly what you’d expect. But that’s exactly what it is: exactly what you’d expect. By the first verse, you’ve already heard SL talk about watching The Boondocks and that’s about as interesting as it gets. Sure, the interplay between the two guys in this case is pretty smooth, but it goes on for about a minute too long and M1llionz has a lot more charisma than SL so it does feel like half the song is wasted away. The producers know that too, as they decide to fade the song out very quickly after M1llionz stops rapping his final bars. This is fine – on some days, I’d probably call it really good – but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.

#64 – “Starstruck” – Years & Years

Produced by Mark Ralph and Nathaniel Ledwidge

We’re not even out of that bottom third of the chart and we’ve still got a lot ahead of us before we get above that point. Here, we have “Starstruck”, sadly not the Lady Gaga or 3OH!3 song but instead the first officially solo song by Years & Years, which is now just frontman Olly Alexander after his bandmates’ departure, similar to Panic! at the Disco except the members seem to be on good terms, or Ritt Momney, except no one here is a Mormon missionary... yet. Whilst you could see this from a mile away if you had listened to that last album, it would be deceiving to say it’s only Olly this time around as he’s enlisted several outside producers and writers to craft a pretty straightforward love song. Well, is it any good? I’m not entirely sold on it, mostly because it seems to reject all of the lyrical intrigue there was in those past two albums – at least intermittently – for a pretty generic if not pure and lovely content, with the most interesting of lyrics being about sipping his partner up like cosmic juice, which I’ll admit got a laugh out of me. It is fitting for how this janky dance-pop song sounds as sonically it’s kind of a quirky mess with a lot of bassy grooves in the verses only to be replaced by a shiny synth blend that completely shrouds the chorus in video game sound effects and French house-esque filter effects. This sound is very much a late-2000s early-2010s throwback in some ways and throwing it back even further in others, which creates an interesting sound but not enough to not let this become easily stale after just the second chorus, especially if it’s going to purposefully fumble its climax for an awkward build-up that involves basically revealing the drop measures before it should have. Yeah, I want to like this but it just seems kind of confused as it is. I’m still going to listen to that third album whenever it comes, but I’m somewhat disappointed with this lead single thus far.

#57 – “Lingo” – Deno featuring J.I. the Prince of NY and Chunkz

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

Alright, so British rapper Deno has enlisted New York rapper J.I. – who I refuse to call by his full stage name – and Chunkz, who I’m pretty sure is some YouTuber, to hop on a beat from DaBeatfreakz, specifically this watery R&B beat with vocal loops drowned out by bass and some awkward mixing. Deno isn’t much of a presence in the verse or chorus, J.I. talks about some girl not chewing him right and Chunkz, who sounds awful on any beat with the whiny Auto-Tuned mumble, somehow doesn’t say anything of interest despite being the semi-professional comedian of these three guys, or at least not before Deno takes over his verse and they all give up for the last couple measures. Yes, that was one sentence – this song doesn’t deserve much more.

#56 – “Shy Away” – twenty one pilots

Produced by Tyler Joseph

I’ve never been that big a fan of twenty one pilots, but I was actually pretty fond of her most recent album, Trench. What fascinates me about them is how they seemed to have done really well for themselves that one time in the Blurryface era and have coasted off the success of that to fund some of their more out-there and experimental musical aspirations. I don’t think they’re looking for big hits anymore – which is good because this won’t be one – but people will always be looking out for what they do next, and they’ve just announced a new album coming soon with this as the lead single. Thankfully, it’s not that COVID-19 pandemic pandering from last year which got on my nerves a lot more than it should. “Shy Away”, instead, goes for... 1980s dance-punk, because, of course. I do love that jerky synth lead and how well it’s backed by that chugging bass and percussion, which we’ll always know is organic coming from Josh Dun. The song itself is a somewhat vague motivational track but not for no reason, as these lyrics actually originated from when Tyler Joseph was giving advice to his brother, a budding musician, trying to get him to see himself in a new light and find his unique purpose in music and not to “shy away” from continuing with his dreams. I can get behind that, especially if it’s going to have squealing guitar segues, an infectious power-pop chorus that will probably not leave my head for a long time and the excellent swell of guitars in that third verse before the brief breakdown in the post-chorus with all those squibbling synth effects. It’s just a wonderfully constructed song on all accounts, even if it sacrifices some of that unique personality we usually get from Tyler for the sake of making a tighter pop-rock song.

#52 – “You Belong with Me” (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift

Produced by Taylor Swift and Christopher Rowe

I guess the best place to start with these re-recordings is the original song, which I’ve never liked. I’ve never seen a reason to enjoy Taylor’s entitled adolescent whining over some pretty garbage production making what may as well be organic country instrumentation sound like MIDI tracks. She doesn’t deliver a particularly good vocal performance, or at least one good enough to excuse “She wear short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers”. There isn’t enough detail to make this seem like a toxic relationship so she ends up just sounding bratty. This new version, from a matured Taylor Swift a decade later, has decided not to change any of these lyrics and it just sounds worse coming from a Taylor who clearly knows a lot better and is in a happy relationship. Okay, the instrumentation sounds a lot more organic and has more of a groove than it used to, with some more intricate production moments that are cool, but that’s really the only change that improves on an already mediocre song. Taylor’s voice has improved a lot since that original recording but so has she, and her selling these lyrics with as much conviction while in her 30s just ends up sounding sad. It only makes sense to “reclaim” these songs if you’re going to try and make them your own again, and not representative of someone I don’t think Taylor is anymore. Alas, it’s listenable, but this could have been one of the more interesting re-recordings and nothing was done with it past the better mixing and a pretty epic guitar solo, even if it does feel unwarranted by the content.

#42 – “Way Too Long” – Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack

Produced by Scribz Riley, Tré Jean-Marie, Nathan Dawe and GRADES

For someone who is solely a producer and DJ, I say that’s two or three too many credited producers, but regardless, before we get to more Taylor Swift, which we will eventually, we’ve got some leftover house track with B-list stars that starts with the words, “Hey, yo, yo, it’s Stack Rack”. With that said, I actually kind of like this song with its strings swelling more than the usual track and its bass-heavy club groove in the verses being more complex in its percussion, especially when the sound design is that interesting in the second half of the verse as all of these effects and different synth patterns occur in the back of the mix, which kind of lets me forgive how anti-climactic the drop is. It’s not really an EDM song as much as it’s a light-hearted pop track and Anne-Marie isn’t taking it as seriously as she could, especially on that vocoder-drop chorus, which makes the song a lot more fun that it should be. MoStack is who really shines on this track though, as his verse is – probably unintentionally – very funny, as he twists the meaning of the song to a phallic joke, happily engages in monogamy, particularly with every British pop-star he can think of and says “forget quality, I want quantity”. He just lists famous singers by the end of this verse that he finds attractive and is completely gone off the deep-end by the time he’s ignored by Anne-Marie’s swell of a chorus. It’s not a great song and definitely falls into the traps that most EDM does but as it is, it’s a fun track with a surprisingly hilarious and sloppy guest verse from MoStack that I was not expecting, as well as just being inoffensive across the board.

#33 – “Mercury” – Dave featuring Kamal.

Produced by Manny Manhattan and Kyle Evans

Dave released a double A-side single – or at least whatever the equivalent for that is in the streaming age – and this was the less popular track, “Mercury”, with singer Kamal. If you don’t know Dave is, he’s one of the biggest and most celebrated rappers in the UK and this is his first solo release since 2019. I’ve usually been pretty happy with Dave’s releases – hell, Psychodrama was one of my favourite albums of 2019 – but I’m not entirely sure I can endorse this lazy trap beat relying on some gentle but overbearing pianos and groovier bass knocks. Really, the beat is pretty minimal so we can focus on what Dave’s saying, right? Well, we could, but why would we want to? Sure, there’s some good wordplay weaved into here and I don’t dislike his stories about gang violence and paranoia, even if they’re delivered in the most checked-out almost condescending way possible, but I can’t get behind the misogyny that seems to run a lot deeper than it does in typical rap. Sure, he makes the same googly-eyed observations about attractive women, describes some parts of the sex but interestingly not any part he plays, and also describes her as a “work of art”, but this is all after he dismisses women in general for not “forgiving him for his sins”, in some thinly-veiled Ariana Grande reference that leaves me more pissed off than he is, especially since Dave’s not as self-aware as he thinks he is, particularly because he himself can barely forgive himself for his wrongs in that second verse. Instead, he shrouds it in hedonism like any other rapper – what have the women got to do other than make good decisions for themselves about who they sleep with? He doesn’t go into disgusting detail like Digga D on “Toxic” but it rubs me the wrong way, especially if he’s going to then complain about the myth that is cancel culture. If this comes from a genuine place where he was genuinely attacked for something he didn’t deserve the abuse for, I’d understand, but why even complain about the supposed mob of Twitter users when the only tie you have to it is something reported on your brother by the right-wing press that everyone ignored? Other than missing the point terribly, it’s not like this song is catchy or notable. Even he acknowledges that this five-minute bore wouldn’t make the album, and it’s for good reason.

#32 – “Anywhere Away from Here” – Rag’n’Bone Man and P!nk

Produced by Rag’n’Bone Man, Mike Elizondo and Ben Jackson-Cook

So this is Rag’n’Bone Man’s second single from that upcoming album, or at least the second to chart, and after the surprisingly great post-punk rocker that was “All You Ever Wanted”, I’m excited to hear what a duet with P!nk could sound like. After all, they’re both rougher voices in the pop sphere, even if P!nk’s been doing it for much longer. Sadly, it’s a ballad... not to say they can’t do ballads well but this is a pretty minimal piano-lead track with some really badly mixed vocals from Rag’n’Bone Man as he channels an unintelligible Dave Grohl that’s way too loud in the mix, especially when the strings come in and cloud the mix. I do like the content once again with Rag’n’Bone Man as he continues to discuss the careless days of his youth, but this is more about growing older and eventually growing discontent with that lifestyle and each other, just wanting to be somewhere else. P!nk delivers this in a way that’s a lot more flattering to her voice and the instrumental, but when the borderline choir vocals come in with those terribly-mixed harmonies between the two and that pointless bridge, I give up on this song. It just refuses to go anywhere, I’m sorry, and it had a lot of potential but these voices don’t particularly mesh together especially over some basic piano and strings. This could have been great and as is, is less than mediocre.

#30 – “Mr. Perfectly Fine” (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault) – Taylor Swift

Produced by Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff

I didn’t listen to the re-recorded version of Fearless; instead I just listened to the six or so bonus “from the vault” tracks because that’s the only new content and I’m not big on any of it. It sounds exactly as you’d expect a 31-year-old woman reciting lyrics she wrote and shelved when she was a teenager, not even thinking they were good enough to release then, decades after the fact, and most of the songs just aren’t interesting at all. I think “Bye Bye Baby” is a great pop song but besides that there’s nothing much to enjoy in these tracks, at least from me. I know that Taylor’s biggest fans will love how she re-recorded leaked and rumoured songs that had been circulating but as someone detached from that, it does nothing for me. This song in particular is about Joe Jonas, because, of course, it was, and it’s a petty, sarcastic break-up song Taylor should be able to deliver confidently but ends up falling flat based on almost that awful verse melody alone, which is just janky, unpleasant and stretched out to the point of annoyance, especially if it’s going to be produced this well. She dug up this track seemingly only to get Antonoff on the record, and, sure, the chorus is catchy and has that one great moment with those crashing guitars, but it enjoys killing its momentum as soon as it gets going... for five minutes. Yeah, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in what was left on the cutting room floor a decade separated from the release of this re-recording, especially if this fully-fleshed instrumentation does little more than distract from how dreadfully boring this song is. Wake me up when she re-records Speak Now or especially reputation, because that will truly be fascinating.

#10 – “Kiss Me More” – Doja Cat featuring SZA

Produced by tizhimself, Carter Lang, Rogét Chahayed and Yeti Beats

I’ve forgotten to mention that three of those 14 new arrivals actually debuted in the top 10 this week, meaning, yes, whilst we’re nearly done, we’ve still got a lot to cover and we start with what seems to be the lead single from Doja Cat’s upcoming album, as she enlists SZA to assist her on this classily unclassy disco-pop song. Those main guitars do sound great, especially with Doja’s signature cooing over them, and that’s before we get to that slick pink disco groove not dissimilar to “Say So” but with a tighter, fun bassline and how quickly Doja strips off the subtlety. I could do without that mess of a post-chorus that is just a blend of too many, not very great vocal takes, but I do love how it leads into Doja’s unsubtle sex bars that actually go into some interesting detail, but not as much SZA being kind of filthy but also delivering a pretty great vocal performance, even if she starts with asking her partner for that “gushy stuff”. I do find it odd that it decides to censor “dick” of all words, but this production is great and I actually particularly like that final chorus and post-chorus once SZA starts harmonising on it. As is, it’s a pretty tight and likeable disco jam from two charismatic performers... co-written by Dr. Luke. Goddamn it, Doja, I don’t know what contract he’s got you in but Jesus, someone do something about that.

#9 – “Titanium” – Dave

Produced by Kyle Evans and P2J

This is our second Dave song and obviously the more successful of the two, at about three minutes shorter – thankfully – debuting in the top 10. It’s much better than “Mercury”, even if the song literally starts with him bragging about not needing vibrators to make his girlfriend orgasm. That said, the lyrics here are actually a lot slicker, flowing much like he did on “Streatham” as he lists so many precious metals you’d think he’s Bender. I do like the intricacies in these lyrics, even if he doesn’t really adapt it into any wordplay. He mentions how awkward that it is that his neighbours are going to vote Conservative as he brags in an almost freestyle-like structure in the single verse he spits, which has a couple flow switches and a lot more empty space than it should for a beat this awkwardly mixed, as whilst I like the trap percussion here, it really does not sound that great over borderline MIDI pianos. The little string inflections and drum fills here are cool though, and those intricacies are what makes Dave’s verse so interesting, as he foreshadows his bar about Tyson Fury with an ad-lib that Fury used himself as a build-up for his boxing matches. His JAY-Z references are also on point and pretty clever, it’s just that there’s still not much to this past that and I’m left pretty underwhelmed with these releases from Dave, even if they’re not from that next album, whenever that’s coming.

#3 – “RAPSTAR” – Polo G

Produced by Einer Bankz and Synco

Well, Lil Tjay debuted at #2 a couple weeks ago so I guess it’s only fair for his fellow “Pop Out” rapper, and the one I personally immensely prefer, Polo G to have his surprise, kind-of-out-of-nowhere top 5 debut. Much like “MONTERO”, this track was being teased for nearly a year, having first been shown as an acoustic collaboration with professional ukulele player – yes, seriously – Einer Bankz, who’s also credited with production here, in May of 2020. Just shy of a year afterwards, we get “RAPSTAR”, in the same vein of other all-caps trap songs about musical success like “ROCKSTAR” or “POPSTAR”. Maybe next we’ll get “NEOCLASSICAL DARK WAVESTAR”. Regardless, this song is basically just about being epic and Polo G can effectively sell that even in his more basic flexing because of that intermittent detail like when he says the only woman he talks to is Siri, which isn’t even a brag or a flex, more a sad admission of his crippling loneliness which I don’t think was intended. He also does more than empty flexing, discussing his past drug addictions and how he coped with that alongside all of the struggles he had to overcome at the same time. That second verse may start with him saying he’s 2Pac reborn but it goes a lot deeper into his anxieties than I expected. All of this is over a melancholy guitar-based beat with some great bass and better mixing than is expected of these pop-trap singles, even if it’s still far from perfect. Those eerie vocal loops in the background add a lot to this song and I think that chorus has a pretty great build-up, even if the percussion may seem a bit too basic and uncomplicated as an effective drop. I can’t really complain about this at all, though, as it is really good for what it is and I’m glad it’s this high.

Conclusion

And with that, I’m finally, FINALLY finished with scouring through these new arrivals and I’ll admit that it was less of a mixed bag and more of a generally positive week, at least for me, as I found more I liked than anything I disliked, particularly with Best of the Week as that goes to twenty one pilots for “Shy Away”, with the Honourable Mention going to Ashnikko’s “Slumber Party” featuring Princess Nokia, although there’s a lot to praise on the charts this week. In terms of Worst of the Week, it’s probably going to go to Fred again.. and The Blessed Madonna for “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)”, with a Dishonourable Mention for, sadly, Dave’s “Mercury” featuring Kamal. I would like to note that Taylor Swift was awfully closer than she should be to getting that this week. Here’s this week’s top 10:

What to expect from this week? Gosh, I don’t know. AJ Tracey? Young Thug? Either way, we’ll see whatever happens to all this – whether it gets flooded out or they all end up sticking around – next week, so I’ll see you then. Thanks for reading.

[art-0f-studying]

Study Tips - Studying with a mental illness

As someone who has depression and anxiety, I found that the tips etc that teachers gave worked for others but not for me. I also found that I learnt a lot differently to everyone else because of my mental illness. So here are some tips I used during Secondary School and mainly college that helped me a lot.

Find out when your deadlines are.  It’s sounds simple, but it’s not when you have loads of pieces of work that have to be handed in in a short time. In school we had a homework record where you would write down the homework (What Class, description of the homework, any specific criteria that needs to be met, due date). My anxiety would make me think I missed something. So if I wrote it down as soon as we were told, I would trust my notes. If you aren’t sure, ask if you can. I carried this on to college with my own notebook. This saved me so much panic. I would then work on the one that was due first OR one that I knew would take the longest. I have made a free assignment planner printable that you can copy all your homework down onto when you get home. Just save the image and print

Consider times your mental health would be less good. It could be a certain date, or just one of them days. But be prepared for them. If i felt up to it, I would always do some extra work. I did Graphic Design, the work load was horrendous. But each project was the same layout. So after I completed one section I knew what the next was. We could pretty much sit down and complete the whole project if we wanted to (And had a few months to just sit there) without any tutor telling us what to do. So I would start planning what I would do, start doing title designs, or even just get straight into the work. Anything extra you can do while you’re in a good state of mind, will really help you when you aren’t quite your best. 

Talk to your tutor. If you need to have a good relationship with anyone, it’s your tutor. My main tutor saved my arse so many times it’s unreal. Without him, I wouldn’t have got my A-levels. I would have been kicked out in the middle of first year (For something not quite related to this post). If I was feeling low, I would go talk to my tutor, we would work out a plan. At the end of the week when we did our share day (basically sit round a table and show the class your work) if I knew I had a really bad week or so or I was feeling really anxious, I would talk to him before hand so he knew not to pick me and make me feel worse. My class was amazing and I was friends with all of them and we were in the same boat so no one laughed or too the mick. In fact we helped each other, but still I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t good enough to be there. Your tutor is there to help, they want to help you and will work with you. The amount of times I sat next to him and broke down and he never ever made me feel stupid. They have seen everything before, I promise it’s okay to talk to them.

Look after yourself. Stressful day?? Try a bath, relax. Going home and doing more work will not help you at all. I know I said to get work done when you can. BUT not when you feel low. It will be worse. Trust me, it gets messy. Read a book, meet with friends, play that video game. If you feel able to do some work before bed, brilliant, if not, that is perfectly okay. You are still doing great :)

Know yourself. For example. If I was doing psychology homework, I couldn’t have music on. I had to sit at my desk, head down and work. If it was graphics work, I could sit anywhere, inside or out, headphones in happy as can be. Psychology was better done as soon as I got in, and I needed regular breaks and a drink nearby. Graphics was better done during the evenings and even nights, sometimes I would need breaks sometimes, woops 2 hours have gone by. Know how you work and what works best for each subject. Only you can do this, sorry I can’t help you figure it out. It’s okay to take things slow. Split one piece into smaller parts so it doesn’t feel so much of a task.

Lectures. So I haven’t gone to Uni so I don’t have uni lectures, but I did have long lectures about graphics. During this if I felt good, I would take notes and roll with it. But Psychology was when my mental health started to go because I really struggled with anxiety. First year was brilliant, second year, my anxiety and depression had got so much worse. So I started recording the lessons. If i switched off, it’s okay. I had the recordings. I would also ask my teacher to email me all the presentations she did for the lessons every week. So I could go through them at my own pace. I could not go at the same pace as those in my class that have no mental illnesses. To begin with I really really took it out on myself, saying I was stupid etc. My teacher realised I was so different from my first year and I told her about my mental health. She said to me:

“Don’t beat yourself up, learning isn’t a competition. You cannot compare yourself to others. People learn all different ways and at different speeds. When your brain isn’t quite healthy, it can take more time and energy to learn the at the same speed as everyone else. You cannot compete with classmates who are mentally well, because that will do nothing but bring yourself down. We learn for ourselves so there is no point beating yourself up if you take longer to learn.”

Take advantages of the tools they have. I spoke to my teachers if I thought I couldn’t get the work done on time, even though I tried as much as I could because of my anxiety, I couldn’t always do it. They understood. If I did an assignment early, I handed it in early. That was my own way of balancing things out. Free Periods. I spent in the graphics classroom doing anything I could, even if I just put one post it into my book, it was still something extra. Classmates. Not sure on a due date or just want to check something, people have your back. Missed a lesson, maybe they will copy their notes. It’s worth asking. Library. A quiet area for if you are going to have a panic attack. (life saver), books on your topics, a place to do homework, or just find a book to read and enjoy, it’s worth a trip. Counsellor. struggling a bit?? or just want someone to talk to?? It’s free and confidential. Need more tips to help studying. They probably have a few websites you can visit. 

This turned into a post that is a lot longer than I thought it would be. I hope at least one tip will be helpful for you. I have printables etc that can help you and they will always be free so check out my blog. Just remember to try not to be to hard on yourself, you are doing so well. As long as you tried your best, you didn’t fail yourself. 

One last thing. If I was extremely bad I would allow myself a mental health day pass. I spoke with my parents who agreed with me. There is so much stress, sometimes all you need is a day. I would tell my parents I wasn’t going in. No questions asked. This was only during college that I started this. In 2 years I only needed one day. I felt so much better afterwards. I spent the day writing up post it notes of plans and ideas and organising them. I would write down thoughts and screw them up if I didn’t think they were worth my time and it really helped to clear my head a bit.

Printables: Weekly Planner Assignment Planner  To-Do List Today Planner Books To read

[nezzfiction]

ENMY Chapter 84 - Crownless War God

Series Synopsis: 

Team RWBY is disbanded, and Yang must find herself new allies. For her, that might very well be yesterday’s enemies. Joining up with the likes of Emerald, Mercury, and Neo, the four will comprise Team Enemy(ENMY).

Links to read the series: Ao3 or FF.net

Or hit the jump below

.

Narrated by Emerald Sustrai

(Previously on ENMY)

Okay, where to begin?

Well, Salem declared war on Vacuo, sending Cuckoos, a type of parasitic Grimm, to infiltrate the Kingdom’s capital.

At the same time, the Witch took a crack at splitting my team apart—and succeeded.

Yang thinks Neo killed a kid, which was actually impersonated by a Grimm. The two get into some real relationship problems (the kind that takes more than a few couple therapy sessions to fix). Merc’s deep-seated daddy issues catch up to him. Oh, yeah. I also killed a couple of Cuckoos pretending to be my parents. But, hey. I dealt with my family/abandonment issues like—what, two, three arcs ago? So whatevs.

Some more dramatic shit happens when Temujin gives us a job to bring back Professor Oobleck from the Tower. We run into a creepy-ass Grimm who likes riddles (in the form of spouting gibberish and mindfucking, apparently). Neo and Mercury don’t pass Giza’s test, and head back to Vacuo without us.

After me and Yang reach the Tower of Alexandria, we learn about the true history of Remnant. That, and the end of the world via the Tree of Balance’s reset mechanism (good going, Masa), and by extension, the Last Fairy Tale.

While we’re using the Tower’s resources to read intel on Salem’s side, Vacuo’s capital comes under attack. The first battle between the Grimm army and the Kingdom’s warriors is ended prematurely when Glynda Goodwitch forces the enemy commander to retreat tactical, magic-nuclear styles.

But we learn later the battle was only a distraction to let assassins infiltrate the city. Attacks are carried throughout the Kingdom. Taking advantage of us not around, Neo and Mercury also become targets.

After some (short)deliberation, me and Yang decide to use an experimental, top-secret thing we can only call the “Bridge Project”. Cause of that, we were able to warp-drive from the Tower to the city in time to save our partners. I got to shiv some cold-steel irony between ribs nine and ten of Mercury’s douchebag of a cousin, Jupiter. And Yang got to save Neo from Adam and Blake (very dramatic, parallels stuff). Finally, some checks in the win column.

After the couple’s reunion, and having read Summer’s romance biography with Raven, Yang decides to pop the question to Neo.

To which, our resident psychopath says, “yEs”.

They both get married (blegh). Yes, it was very touching. Apparently, they also exchanged Auras, which I have no idea what that means yet.

Blakes goes a little bit more crazy after hearing about their marriage (just a little bit), and it actually gets her to shake off Salem’s influence. Deciding that her future vessel isn’t quite up to the task yet, the Witch decides to see to the war personally. (i.e. the big bad herself arrives in Vacuo…)

Meanwhile, after letting the bosses know what we learned at the Tower, Vacuo and Atlas officially enter an alliance. Cinder and the Snow Queen send a fleet of airships, due to arrive somewhere in a week’s time. Truly, nothing brings people together more than an approaching apocalypse, headed by some crazy bitch everyone hates.

And then, and then, and then—

Seeing as we made such good pals with Vacuo, I decided to take some liberties with that. Needed to have a private chat with the boss, so I had my team create a (little)distraction. It really wasn’t that bad, they just fought a few palace guards and Chain Nai.

We got arrested, cause that’s somehow fair.

Good times.

And now, the Vacuo Arc continues!

So excited…

.

.

Crownless War God

.

I am the bone of my sword.

Steel is my body and fire is my blood.

I have created over a thousand blades.

Unknown to death

Nor known to life.

Having withstood pain to create many weapons.

Yet these hands will never hold anything.

My life is an Unlimited Blade Works.

.

.

“…I wonder how long they plan to keep us here,” Yang muttered, while staring at the ceiling. She must have counted the number of bricks a hundred times by now. “I mean, no one even got hurt…badly.”

“Yeah,” Mercury replied. “I bet you anything Temujin just wants to mess with us.”

“If we broke out, and saw her the next morning, she’d probably act like nothing even happened.”

In her team’s dank prison cell, Yang lied restlessly on her cot with Neo snuggled under her arm. Mercury was sitting with his back against the wall, staring out the window into the night sky. And Emerald sat cross-legged in deep mediation.

“I just wish there was some way to past the time,” Yang complained.

There is, Neo looked at her suggestively.

“Definitely, not into exhibitionism.”

“Please, don’t,” Mercury added. “I’d rather run a death simulation marathon before sitting through that.”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“I was kidding.”

“Hey, Em!” Yang shouted to their leader in the corner. “How about you run us a hallucination, already? I’m thinkin’ my mom, Cinder, Pyrrha, and Victoria. Or maybe, some Nightmare-Class Grimm? We could practice for when Salem’s army shows up.”

Emerald remained silent.

“…Helloooo?”

Emerald’s temple creased with a vein.

“I’m getting bored heeerreeee~”

“Would you shut up?!” Emerald finally snapped. “I’m trying to concentrate!”

“You’ve been doing that since forever. What are you trying to do, anyway?”

“Yes, Yang. By all means, I’ll tell you exactly what I’m doing, out loud—while the prison guards listen on every word of our conversation.”

“Soooo, what are you doing?”

“Kay. Not listening anymore. La la la la la~”

“Em~!”

“LA LA LA LA~!!”

.

X  X X  X  X

.

…

I was dead.

I’m sure I was well and truly dead.

…

My body and soul sunk into the deepest depths. I don’t know what it was, but I swear, to this day—I grasped something at the core of our world. Some form of enlightenment, perhaps?

And then, I felt the very hells of Vacuo spit me back out.

*Cough!*

When I woke, I tasted nothing but ash and sand in my mouth. I could feel the sun roasting my skin. There was no way to know how long I had been out there.

As soon as I could get my bearings straight, I immediately wished I hadn’t.

It was a pit of corpses. The naked dead piled on more naked dead. All dignity stripped away. Their souls gone, leaving only dry husks. They were mutilated, they were burned, they were cruelly disected into even segments.

I remembered what happened.

They experimented on us. They sought the secret to eternal life, forced us to take toxic amounts of Dust and Bane.

We were nothing but lab animals to them, and they killed us by the thousands without batting an eye.

And when we were no longer of use, they discarded us out in the middle of the desert—like common refuse.

I was in a panic. My memories were becoming clearer. Our parents were with me.

My hands searched the bodies around. I can still remember that feeling to this day, the sensation forever carved in my memories. Tender flesh and hollow bones. The final moments of countless lives, recorded in every corpse’s face.

Anguish, fear, despair.

The loss of hope.

…

And then, I found them.

I don’t know how I could possibly have known. My experience with death had undoubtedly changed my senses.

There was nothing left of our mother and father, save for a pair of charred black ribs.

I could feel Vacuo suffocating me, or was that the grief?

I cried at the heavens through a throat that no longer worked.

My mind ceased to function. I became something base, primal. I could only feel.

…

And all I was became Rage.

…

The concentration of negativity drew the Grimm. Monstrosities circled me, the lone survivor. A girl who could not fathom what was happening.

And it was that moment, I digressed further. I was no longer something I would call sentient.

Not a living thing.

Not an organism.

Lesser, simpler.

An element.

My baptism—the Awakening of my Semblance was performed by none other than the Heart of Vacuo itself.

I was its nature.

I was its storm.

My Aura merged with my surroundings, and I felt the Kingdom answer my call.

The bones of my parents would be the very first weapons I would ever forge.

They made the finest of blades.

I struck down my first foes with them.

Once they were spent, I sough my next set of “weapons”,

And I realized everything became a weapon to my touch.

The fallen corpses of Vacuo became my next blades.

And the next.

And the next…

Until all my enemies were nothing but dust in the wind.

…

What returned was no longer a nameless slave.

It had devolved—

I became a Fang.

The Fang of Vacuo.

.

X  X X  X  X

.

As soon as I reached the city, I was able to find my brother.

Shepherd had avoided the mass abductions for the experiments. He was lucky.

As lucky as one can be, having his parents and only sibling go missing for several months.

He could see the change in me… the violence I could control at my fingertips.

Sometimes, I look back and wonder…

Did he embark on his pacifist crusade to save Vacuo’s soul—or mine.

…

Or maybe, he tried to save Vacuo from me.

How ironic, but so very fitting.

If they never took his life through their Third Crusade, they would never have seen one light of my wrath.

He was so foolish.

I warned him. I knew the world would turn on him and others like him.

The corrupt always justify themselves to the righteous through strength.

No. While my brother tried to offer redemption for those crooked souls, I took my time finding those who would rise with me, when his ambitions failed.

Chain Nai was a champion of the Gladiator Arenas. He had “won” his freedom, but the ones controlling the games propagated the backstory, he stayed to fight for the thrill and honor.

Peh! What nonsense. Still, their foolishness would ultimately work to my favor.

Nai was the only one to ever defeat me during my time as a gladiator, and I was the only one to ever face him in a fair match, and live.

He would become my first general, my first Khan. The Fist of Vacuo, many would later proclaim him.

…

My friendship with Minerva was unexpected, to say the least.

By then, I was forming the first vestiges of the Red Fang, when I heard about a single Faunus massacring a small army of Human aristocrats.

I sought her out eagerly, entertaining the idea I had found one similar to myself.

But Minerva could not be more different.

She was originally an attendant to a young noble. A Human who researched Magic and even managed to learn a few tricks himself.

Minerva and the man fell in love. He taught her what he learned, and surprising them both, found she had a gift for Magic.

Rumor spread. A romantic relationship between Human and Faunus was forbidden. They were inevitably caught.

…

They lynched the poor man, and hung his body from the roof of his house.

Minerva joined me the moment I asked her.

She became my second Khan.

The Sorceress of Vacuo.

.

X  X X  X  X

.

I…

I do not look back as fondly on our first meeting as Raven probably does.

When I first found her, she hid behind a miner’s mask. The shovel in her hands was covered in blood. A tiny thing, but she held onto it like a sword made to smite all those who would do her and her brother harm.

I didn’t think much of her at first. I had seen countless children like her in my travels.

But when she removed her mask, I found myself captivated.

The way she stared at me through her tears. A fire of defiance, but at the same time, a purity—an innocence.

I lost myself in that moment.

Raven looked to me like a little goddess of death. So precious and deadly. I don’t believe in a god or a heaven, but if such things ever existed, I could only think they sent her to me.

I embraced her without thought, and she wept openly in my arms. I didn’t know little goddesses could cry.

In time, I believed she would one day become my third Khan. The greatest of my generals and a stronger warrior than myself or Nai.

But she needed time.

…

And in that time, Raven would become someone I would care for deeply as a daughter. Less than the weapon I wanted her to be at our first meeting. The compassion I thought I lost, was returned to me by her, and her alone.

My brother and I sent her and Qrow to Vale, hoping they would find a better life.

I’d never seen Raven as furious as the day we saw her off for Beacon Academy. But I was fine with it. Even if she grew hating me for the rest of her life, I was content.

I would wage my war without Raven. I was satisfied with that thought.

…

For a moment, I may have believed in my brother’s campaign of nonviolence. After all, what did I have to lose should he succeed?

I would satiate my bloodlust some other way, I was sure.

When he inevitably failed, I promised I would be there. I would protect him, nurse his wounds and ego— give him the older sibling’s “I told you so”.

…

They killed Shepherd, and I practically let them.

I let my own brother fall.

And like all things, I turned him and the very memory of him into a weapon.

His death caused an outrage.

And I used it to wage the war I always wanted, the war I waited every day for.

…

Nai was more than ready. Minerva was at my side.

…

Raven had returned to Vacuo a few years before. She left her child behind for me. And I foolishly welcomed back my goddess of death as the Third Khan I always dreamt she would be.

I sent the younger generation like Blake, Ilia, and Adam to fight my battles. Be it to die on the frontlines or execute the defenseless in the rear, it did not matter.

My war was waged.

The three Khans, as well as their Great Khan, laid ruin to countless Crusaders.

In time, I won my Vacuo.

And when I finally sat on that cursed throne in the Hanging Gardens, I felt something I hadn’t felt since before I died—since before my rebirth in that desert all those years ago.

I was afraid.

.

X  X X  X  X

.

The moment we won Vacuo, I saw a room filled with the faces of those I loved.

Every life I touched, turned into a weapon before my very eyes.

And I was overcome.

…

One word, and they would march.

A single command, and a Kingdom of blades would have ravaged the world of Remnant without mercy.

I doubt even Salem would have been able to stop that.

…

I had made weapons of everyone I had ever cared for.

And when I held the crown made of the blood and souls I had sacrificed to, I learned I did not want it.

But I couldn’t let anyone else have it either.

Who knows what insanity someone else could do with what I built.

Vacuo would be ruler-less. And I would play the guard dog until someone suitable could claim the throne. Someone who would not lead our people down a path of destruction.

Minerva would have proven adequate, but she wanted to help create a brighter future through its children. Perhaps, inspired by her lost love, she decided to become an educator for eager minds. And the Headmaster of Shade Academy came to be.

For a time, I also believed Blake could take the throne. But she held no desire to play such a role. Guilt-ridden by the things she did under my order, she wanted the life of a Huntress to atone. She wanted to do good, not rule. The least I could do was support her.

…

And then, I finally found them.

A pair of siblings, Mouse and Knives Rakis. Their mother gave birth to them, while suffering the symptoms of Dust Poisoning. They were born with a few health complications, but more importantly, their capricious circumstances allowed them to develop Silver Eyes. I can only assume the large consumption of Dust and Bane awakened some ancestry connected to the Fairies.

Both were absolutely gifted— young, malleable, bright. They could share the throne of Vacuo and lead our people to prosperity.

What greater rulers could there be than those with a Semblance to predict the future?

They were young and ready to be groomed. But as their abilities developed, they revealed to me the fates to befall not only our Kingdom, but all of Remnant.

A world where every living being was wiped out.

We worked to make sure such a future never came to be, but all efforts so far have failed.

Until a slight deviation occurred in the prediction. The timeline corrected itself almost immediately, but more of these “alterations” appeared as time went on.

It was only recently, we were able to match the deviations with certain events happening outside our Kingdom…

A war over some Grimm-infested isles.

Rumors of a young team of mercenaries waging battle at Tower trapped in a storm.

A newly christened Spring Maiden.

The resurrection of the Fall Maiden.

The usurping of the Atlas Kingdom.

…

“Sound familiar?”

In the open desert, watching a swirling storm of floating debris, two figures stood. The dreamscape showed the fluttering pages in the hurricane to be the host’s memories. Like Yang’s and Neo’s before, Emerald found herself traversing Temujin’s “Soul”.

“Sound familiar?” Temujin repeated her question.

“Yeah, it’s pretty obvious,” she rubbed her arm uncertainly. “Guess, it’s too late to say sorry for making you dream about your past.”

“Eh,” the other simply shrugged.

Though she tried to play it off lightly, Emerald could see the forlorn sentiment lingering in Temujin’s heart. Emotions were amplified in the host’s dreams. The mint-haired girl saw the deepest contents, and was taken back by what she found there.

There was something else after Temujin’s recollections. Something she didn’t say aloud. A secret she kept from everyone, including Minerva and especially Raven.

Before the end of Remnant, there was an event preceding it that the Rakis siblings foretold and feared.

The Death of Vacuo.

…

Unable to stand the silence any longer, Emerald spoke.

“You’re pretty critical of yourself,” she said passively.

“Oh? I’ve said nothing but the truth.”

“In my experience, people always make their pasts worse than they actually were. But thanks for the story.”

“Hm. Is that all you have to say?”

Emerald looked down for a moment.

“…You’re too arrogant,” she finally said. “The people who followed you chose to follow you. You didn’t turn them into weapons. They decided to fight for themselves. Thinking you had any actual control over them is nothing but arrogance.”

“Hmmm… Maybe, so. Is that what your team is to you?”

“Obviously. I can’t make my idiots care about me. And they do it anyway, even if I don’t want them to.”

Temujin gave a dry chuckle.

“If only you were born earlier, and had been raised in Vacuo. You would have made a fine Khan.”

“Not even in your dreams, lady.”

“Current topics aside, you are rather talented.”

“Just a little bit.” Emerald rubbed her nails on her chest, and breathed a huff. “I’ve hallucinated dreams before, but this was some new level shit.”

“Heh heh heh,” Temujin gave another hollow chuckle, and grasped the younger woman’s arm in a firm grip.

“This talent of yours gives me an idea.”

.

.

.

.

NOTES

Q: Schedule?

A: Nope. Can’t make one. Tried. Chapters comes out when they’re finished.

Q: CinderxNeo (sinnamon spice/spicecream) fic?

A: Ugh. Kind of, maybe, interested, but I don’t see the romance aspect? But I do think they could make one of the best partnerships in RWBY in general. Maybe a platonic sidequest in the future during the hiatus? No promises.

But, yes. I’d love to write something about the two of them. That would be fun. (Message suggestions?)_

Q: Ever think of writing a lemon(smut fic?)?

A: No. Not interested in writing pure smut.

Q: Ever think of writing a romance fic?

A: No. I don’t have that ability. It would end up being too short.

Q: Kingdom Hearts fic?

A: Maybe. Not immediately, if ever. Have a rough idea of a party consisting of Aqua, Lightning, (young)Tadashi, (and Balthier or Fran?). One of the worlds they visit is Atlantis or Treasure Planet.

Q: What do you think of toxic wasps and bumbley shippers/drama?

A: …What?

(Googles)

Oh. I had no idea there was stuff like that happening in the RWBY community.

…

I got nothin’. I barely pay attention to stuff outside the show as it is. Feels like a lot of noise I just don’t understand. Welp, time to write the next chapter.

.

As always, thank you for reading.

See you, when I see you.

-Nezz

[theoriginalivyannazimuth]

Because Reddit is having issues this is my submission to Malicious Compliance. Mostly so I can copy paste it later

Hello reddit, today I will tell you a tale of romance, betrayal, and smipublic streeking.

(WARNING THERE IS A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR THIS SO ITS A LONG POST)

I don't go here much as I usually watch RSLASH and /Start and tend to prefer to lurk rather than post (unless its to promote my youtube) but I thought you may like to hear this, so here I go.

I don't usually put my real name online but some people may know me as LadyAzimuth (hi guys!)

I am 23 and my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship; by which I mean that she was mentally abusive to me and physically to my older sister back in the day. Now not to be rude but my mother has always had some mental problems which is why I ignored a good amount of the BS she did.

When I was young and spending the weekend at my father's i spilled some fries witch ketchup however and immediately began sobbing and apologizing for making a mess and going into full panic attack mode. My father calmed me down and asked me some questions which made me come to the realization that I was being pretty heavily abused by my mother.

Couple that with the many MANY years of physical abuse (I was bi in the late 90s and early 2000s and it wasnt legal to marry where I am until 05 so I got my ass kicked alot) and that made the perfect cocktail of dependence and silence.

My mother would constantly tell me I was being dramatic when I was heavily suicidal, dumb when it turns out i am dyslexic, and a cry baby when I would have anxiety attacks. Of course that all stopped when she got diagnosed for almost everything I have.

This may seem like useless information but I need you to understand why I act the way I am in this situation.

Now I have always been obedient. When her mother died i was in my teens and ended up having to raise my 2 younger siblings while my mom and stepfather were in a different city (will be referred to as L henceforth for privacy )

I ended up doing worse in school (I was already having issues because COULDN'T READ) and having to give up doing karate which was the closest thing to therapy I had. I had gotten a few awards for rising through the ranks quicker than others and my teacher thought I could have been a teacher in a few years time if I had continued the way that I was.

Now note, I never asked for a thank you. I believe that you should do your best to help other when they need it and it is ridiculous to demand thanks for it, but I do expect the base level of respect.

My mother only respects herself and her reputation.

I was working at a famous Canadian coffee shop (the one from the memes, you all know what one) for 2 years and I and everyone else was abused for years at it. I stayed longer than 70% of the people working there. This place was the worst. AC didn't work in the summer and it got to about 45 -50 degrees in there, of course we weren't allowed water breaks.

This place also did not want anyone to ever log their injuries. My friend logged a slip that resulted in her being in a hip brace and they cut her hours from full time to 1 4 hour shift a week for it. It was because of this and my being used to being abused that I didn't log a injury I got while trying to open a stuck fridge door.

I have bad knees so I ended up having them lock up while I tried to yank this door open underneath the deli counter causing my kneecap to pop off and my leg to collapse causing a v shape going outwards with the knee. I can't explain it well, but suffice to say, knees do NOT work that way. This is an injury that causes me pain almost every day of my life now, and because I was bullied into not recording it and it was almost 2 years ago now with everyone who was there having quit, there's nothing legally I can do.

I ended up leaving that place when an older lady who had been written up 7 times and not fired dispute almost attacking customers numerous times, screamed at a customer I was helping causing me to have a panic attack. I went to the back and was having a breakdown when she stormed in, threw the clipboard that holds the schedule at my head and punched a bookshelf beside me. I knew nothing would be done, so I left.

It was freeing for all of 5 minutes. Like a weight off my shoulders. Like when you're in a car crash and when you open your eyes, it was just a fender bender.

And then my mother demanded rent.

I had already paid my rent for the month (it was only about the 5th of April) and she was demanding next months rent "just to be sure"

Of course the next month comes around and she demands more rent, even though I paid in advance and went into debt to do it.

This was the beginning of the end.

My stepfather told her she was being ridiculous and to drop it so I could find work. And she did, for a bit. Now I currently live in K. K is a largish city that's only an hour away from Toronto on the 401 and even with the minimum wage being 14 an hour in Ontario, you still can not afford a 1 bedroom apartment in the ghetto here off 1 persons wages.

On top of that there aren't enough jobs to go around. Every single interview I've gone to has had no less than 5 other people to interview aside from me and that's on the low end.

So I've been jobless since April.

Fast forward a few months and my mother and stepfather break up. She and him had been together for 19 years and she has been cheating on him for 7 moths with her vocal instructor who is also a mutual friend of theirs.

They decide that they want to co-parent as to not disrupt the children's lives. Which would be acceptable if that was the case and not just a cover story so the kids don't worry.

The truth is, my mother sold her share of her company because she (like a whiny child) couldn't get along with her.

I mean admittedly she is a plastic prep who never grew out of it but I digress...

So she sold her part of the company and is taking payments of about 1000 a week for 2 years I think?

Rather than putting this towards the rent, shes been spending money like it's going out of style.

Since then she has bought a grand fucking piano which she's still making payments on, a whole ass horse and is paying for monthly board for her. She eats out nearly every single day and drives across cities numerous times a day in her giant gas guzzling ford truck.

To top it off, she attempted to ride said horse before properly rehabilitating it (it had been neglected and underfed so she was antsy and none of the saddles fit correctly) so it threw her.

Kali, I love you, you beautiful mare you, but you sent my mother to destination fucked, and I don't appreciate it.

She landed on her ankle, shattered it, nearly twisted it off completely and broke the leg bone clean in half. She nearly lost the leg due to infection and 15 months later we are still looking at about 10 more months of recovery if all go's well.

Now just because we live in Canada, doesn't mean this is a cheap endeavor. In fact my step father had to double his workload in the business he owned to make up for it, and the household is still having some issues (I'm not saying we are broke, because the lights are on and everyone is comfortable but we have to live by the dollar at this point.)

So money has been coming up a lot recently and has been another way to demean me and manipulate me and make me feel like trash.

The money is the reason why she want's to co-parent, because otherwise she most likely would not be able to support herself with how shes hemorrhaging money and cant work. (Physically she can, she just would prefer not to and to go out every day and night to party and bang her boyfriend. Did I mention she still hasn't legally divorced my father and still has his last name?

So a week to the day that they made the separation announcement, she gets my stepfather to tell me for her that I have to leave.

Because she wan'ts somewhere to sleep that isn't the couch.

And to "help me out" I could sleep on the couch until I find a place and maybe my family from L can help.

My family who most live off of welfare and minimum wage jobs in the shit end of town.

She didn't tell me when I was to leave, despite me asking her, I assume it was because I can be pretty scary when I am angry and screaming, I'll admit. I learned from my stepfather that I had to be out within the week.

I have to leave, with less than no money because my mother cheated on my stepfather.

Some people wounder what they are worth, money wise. I found out I am worth 500 CAD and some middle aged balding white man dick. How lovely.

So of course I have a total melt down. My friend took me in for a few days because I was on the edge of suicide and still am and couldn't be in the house anymore.

So I've contacted my family in L and am making arrangements to leave and its been a week to the day. Things are slow going as I find someone who can host me on their couch until I get on my feet so I'm on borrowed time.

I got frustrated as since then my mother hasn't said a word to me and has pretended I don't exist so I asked her what the hell she expected from me and how she could act like this.

I got this response. "Just take your shit and go"

OK.

I have a large room, most of the rooms in this house are large so its quite a bit to pack but I've got it more or less.

(Pic here The Packed Room )

In said room I have a lovely wooden bedroom set given to me from my grandmother before she died, as it was in the bedroom I always stayed in when I was at her house. There's a bedside table, bed with a nice head board and a large vanity with a huge mirror.

I never had anything as nice as that before grandmother so I made sure years ago with my stepfather that when I move, its going with me.

On top of that, i have a large old desk that used to be in the office before my stepfather upgraded, a TV which was gifted to me, 8 bookshelves that I saved from being tossed years ago, lovely purple blackout curtains with black flowers on them and a matching lamp and a leather futon couch which is actually quite classy and a PS4,3 and 2. (she occasionally games so I know she's been eyeing those)

I know my mom. I know she wants everything inside of here and will fight tooth and nail for it. But not only is everything in here mine and the accumulation of years, I have my stepfathers permission to take everything, because it is mine.

Take my shit and go? Ok. I will. My friend's grandfather is offering to store my stuff in his empty rooms because he is the kindest old veteran you'll ever meet. I'm taking EVERYTHING.

NOTHING will be left behind.

I hope she enjoys sleeping on the floor because I know for fact we don't have a spare bed.

And as I'm just taking my shit and going, Ill make sure to not tell her about how the very large window super heats the room in the summer at 3 in the afternoon and is almost as cold as the outside is in winter because it was never properly installed. I'll also neglect to tell her where the window leaks when it rains to put down towels so mold dosn't start growing. I'll neglect to tell her about how the wifi doesn't reach up here most of the time so she will have to wonder if her tech is broken.

Unrelated but she REALLY cares about what other people think and that's why I had the thick curtains.

The week is up in a few minutes so I took down MY curtains. Because I'm just taking my stuff and going right?

So I hope out neighbors don't see my chubby while butt undressing to sleep. I used to sleep naked.

I think I'll do that tonight.

TL;DR:

Mom gave the sacred succ to a person she shouldn't have, kicked me out with no warning, so now her one legged ass will be sleeping on the floor of the fancy room she traded me for and will have to answer questions to the whole cul du sac of middle aged upper middle class stuck up moms that she runs the community facebook page for about why her daughter was giving the neighborhood a strip show.

Also she may freeze / sweat to death before she figures out the window is fucked.

Will update once I'm gone about her reaction. Thanks for reading and remember:

Some times you just gatta do what you're told lol.

[gyrlversion]

Peaky Blinders extra, 33, avoids jail for domestic violence charges

Oliver Cox, 33, met women on dating websites and wooed them with grand romantic gestures before turning violent. He is pictured with Lyndsey Yarwood, one of the women he attacked 

A violent and steroid-pumped Peaky Blinders extra who created make-believe worlds to ensnare his victims has dodged jail again – after failing to appear under a background check when he ‘changed his name online for a few pounds’.

Oliver Cox, 33, met women on dating websites and wooed them with grand romantic gestures – including turning up at the airport when they landed from holiday and proposing after just a month.

However his charming persona would quickly change and he ditched the rose petal baths in favour of terrifying attacks that left some victims needing restraining orders to keep him away.

Cox concocted an elaborate web of deceit around his victims – claiming to be an actor, a boxer and a CBD (Cannabidiol) company owner, according to his victims. He even posed as one of the women’s jealous exes online.

The thug filmed with the Peaky Blinders cast in May 2017 and was on series four. He also appeared as an extra in Coronation Street and once sparred with Ricky Hatton when he was a boxer.  

One of his victims was taken to France on the promise they were invited on a game show only for it to be cancelled when the host, who was apparently Cox making a fake profile, mysteriously ‘died’.

Despite pleading guilty last month to assault occasioning actual bodily harm after attacking single mother Lyndsey Yarwood, 35, he was only given an 18-week suspended sentence.

Shockingly, Ms Yarwood had looked up his past using Clare’s Law – which gives people a right to ask police if their partners have domestic violence convictions – but was told there was nothing of concern. Wiltshire Police are now investigating.

Ms Yarwood believes Cox slipped through the net because he changed his name by deed poll – calling himself Bart Milben, Darren Berry and other variations of these.

Days before attacking Ms Yarwood, the brute had even shared a post on Facebook praising Clare’s Law as something that not only helps women but can ‘defend men who have been labelled’.

Less than a year before, Cox had been convicted of assaulting former girlfriend Rosie Benson, 31, on Christmas Day 2017 – for which he was bailed and handed a community order.

Rosie Benson, 31, and Jen Atherton, 28, were two of the woman targeted by the thug 

Weeks before attacking Ms Yarwood, the thug had been instructed by cops to cease contact with another ex, Jen Atherton, after harassing her when she refused to post pictures on Instagram of flowers he’d bought her.

Just months before meeting the 28-year-old last year, he had also pleaded guilty to attacking another woman in Newcastle while on a night-out – but walked free after paying a £600 fine.

He allegedly made up a woman named ‘Rachel’ who he would ‘confide’ in about his violence – even making her an Instagram account to talk to her on.

His campaign of violence stretches back a decade, after he was convicted of headbutting a man in 2009 who reportedly tried to stop him attacking another ex.

With Cox still on the streets, Ms Yarwood, Ms Benson and Ms Atherton are speaking out to warn other women so that he doesn’t do it again to ‘some other poor girl’.

Cox admitted to changing his name by deed poll to Bartholomew Milben and blamed his behaviour on his use of steroids but claimed he was ‘not a monster’.

Ms Yarwood dated Cox between August and December 2018 and thought he was her dream man after bombarding her with romantic gestures.

But within just four months, their whirlwind relationship and engagement was over.

The mother-of-two, from Melksham, Wiltshire, said: ‘He was everything you see in rom-coms: rose-petal baths, cooking dinner, brilliant with the kids. And so believable – the lies and everything.

‘It’s mad. I’m pretty sure it’s going to take for him to actually kill someone for the courts to punish him properly.

‘No wonder women don’t go through with pressing charges for domestic violence.

‘He was given a two-year restraining order, but there’s nothing to stop him standing outside my house as long as he doesn’t contact me.’

The hairdresser met Cox on dating website Plenty of Fish at the beginning of 2018 and the pair chatted online for almost five months.

Cox also attacked Lyndsey Yarwood, 35, but was only given an 18-week suspended sentence 

They made plans to meet up, but Ms Yarwood was too nervous to go through with it, until one day, when she had just arrived back from a holiday, he was waiting in the arrivals hall to surprise her.

She said: ‘When we were chatting initially, he seemed really nice. We arranged to meet a few times but I chickened out because I was nervous.

‘We eventually met on 17 August last year. We’d talked loads that week because I was on holiday in Gran Canaria.

‘He actually turned up at Bristol Airport to surprise me when I got home.

‘The next day at work he sent me a big bunch of flowers and he came to meet me at mine. He never left.’

Just over a month after meeting face-to-face, the loved-up pair went on a day trip to London.

In an unexpected turn, Cox proposed while they were on the Southbank Starflyer ride.

Ms Yarwood said: ‘We went on this swing ride and while up in the air he proposed to me.

‘I was really shocked, it was absolutely crazy, but I said yes because I really, really liked him. I was caught up in the moment. Everything was great then.’

But their newly engaged bliss quickly soured.

Ms Yarwood said: ‘One day my ex, or so Ollie said, started messaging him on social media, threatening him, threatening me.

‘I had panic attacks, but Ollie was sticking up for me by sending him messages back.

‘I later found out he was messaging himself via a fake account. He’d set up a fake account just to show me – it was like trauma bonding.

‘We then had an engagement party. I did have a brilliant time at the party. I had a girls’ night out, basically.

‘We went back home and I woke up in the middle of night with him right next to my face.

What is Clare’s Law? How you can find out your partner’s domestic violence history, thanks to father’s campaign

Clare Wood, 36, was strangled by an ex

Clare’s Law was created in 2014 following a campaign by Michael Brown, whose daughter was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.

The initiative, officially called the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, was designed to provide people with information that may protect them from a potentially abusive situation.

The scheme allows the police to disclose information about a partner’s previous history of domestic violence or violent acts.

Clare Wood, 36, was strangled and set on fire by her ex-boyfriend George Appleton at her home in Salford, Greater Manchester, in February 2009.

The mother-of-one had met Appleton on Facebook, unaware of his horrific history of violence against women, including repeated harassment, threats and the kidnapping at knifepoint of one of his ex-girlfriends.

‘His face had changed. He looked so angry and frightening. He grabbed my wrist and started accusing me of cheating on him.

‘He was going through my phone calling me a slag and his voice had changed.

‘He made me go downstairs where he went absolutely mental and smashed up his phone. I went to bed sobbing.’

The next morning Cox suggested he could not remember anything about the night before, Ms Yarwood said.

She continued: ‘He said “oh my God, I’m so sorry”. I believed that he just didn’t remember. That was the first instance that frightened me.’

During a night out for his birthday in December 2018, the couple began rowing and Cox became furious, claiming Ms Yarwood had ‘ruined his birthday’.

Back at the hotel, Cox grabbed Ms Yarwood and attacked her, leaving her with two black eyes and bruises to her body.

She claims he bought her a cold pack of bacon to put on her face to try to help the bruising.

The next day, Ms Yarwood decided enough was enough and fled Cox, returning to her mum’s.

She is furious that after a warning from his ex that he had a history, her request for information on his background from police using Clare’s Law failed her.

‘I’ve no idea why he didn’t come up on Clare’s Law,’ she said. ‘He managed to get through somehow. The amount of phone calls I had to make was unbelievable.

‘I think with Clare’s Law, every single recorded name needs to be linked to the same person.

‘It costs £36 [or less] to change your name by deed poll. There needs to be a register for offenders that people can just go on.’

Now, she is urging women to think with their heads, not their hearts, when it comes to domestic violence.

She said: ‘The hardest thing for women in this situation is you think with your heart.

‘I just pray the next victim doesn’t fall for his conman ways his sob stories. I hope enough people see his face and see what he’s capable of.’

While Ms Yarwood is Cox’s latest victim, the lout has a history of attacking women.

The year before attacking her, Cox was found guilty of assault by beating and given 100 hours of community service and a restraining order preventing him from contacting ex-girlfriend Rosie Benson.

Ms Benson met Cox on Facebook in 2016 but after dating him for 18 months they broke up – however she says he continued to turn up at her house.

She claims she would find him sleeping in her outside toilet building or in his car and he even faked seizures and pretended to have been attacked for sympathy.

When she allowed him into her house to have dinner and stay the night on Christmas Day 2016, Cox unleashed a vicious assault when she rejected his advances.

Ms Benson, from Bolton, Lancashire, said: ‘It’s been hell.

‘The restraining order runs out in September this year. I’m expecting to hear from him again.

‘I’m worried he’ll just move again to a different area and do it again to another poor girl.’

Jen Atherton considers herself one of the ‘lucky ones’ as she was not attacked by Cox – though Merseyside Police still told him to stop any further contact with her.

The pair had only started speaking on Facebook a week before, but when Ms Atherton touched down at Manchester Airport in July last year he was waiting, like he did with Lyndsey, to surprise her.

However the romantic side soon faded and Ms Atherton claims Cox turned angry when she failed to post pictures of flowers he had bought her on Instagram.

Even after they broke up, Cox would not leave her alone and she was forced to contact the police to mediate the return of shoes he had left behind, who asked him to leave her alone.

Ms Atherton, from Wirral, Merseyside, said: ‘I got away at the right time. I saw that he’d got with Lyndsey very shortly after and I thought I should tell her, but I worried he’d pursue me.’

Cox said he was ‘mortified’ by what had happened but denied treating women badly – despite acknowledging the convictions.

He denied creating fake LinkedIn profiles to pose as the game show producers but admitted to having ‘a number of’ Facebook profiles under various names.

Cox said: ‘[I changed my name to Bartholomew] by deed poll.

‘It was for a fresh start and a sign of a new me, but I did it at a time when I was very confused about myself and I didn’t have all my diagnoses.

‘What happened that night [with Lyndsey] is disgusting and shouldn’t have happened. It ruined what could have been a brilliant relationship.

‘I ain’t a monster. I’ve had some serious problems unfortunately, when I’ve had a drug addiction and took steroids.’

A spokesperson for Wiltshire Police said: ‘This case has been referred to our Professional Standards Department and a review is currently ongoing to determine what happened in this case and why a disclosure was not made. Due to this investigation, it would be inappropriate to comment further.’

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