#do not read this as me trying to condone people glorifying mental illness on this site

[themesis]

  If you dont understand the tcc, think about that mickey mouse 9/11 picture that you reblogged. Lots of people make jokes about 9/11, but that doesn't mean that they dont feel bad for the victims and it doesn't mean that they support what happened. It's the same way with the tcc. A lot of us are making fun of the killers because they're stupid.   And yes, there are occasionally people who condone, but maybe they wouldnt hate humanity so much if people weren't always calling them freaks and telling them to kill themselves. And others are just mentally ill, it doesn't matter what you do, theyre not going to change so you should just leave them alone. Or they're suicidal and fantasize about being killed.   Other reasons people could be in the tcc is because they relate to the people or they're very interested in true crime or they just think they're hot. And none of those are glorifying the actions!!   Anyways, sorry that was so long, I just thought you might be curious. I was shocked too when I first came across the tcc, but then I learned about the killers and started to see them as people instead of monsters. And I never reported anyone, I just scrolled past because theres no reason for me to ruin what someone enjoys just because I dont agree with it. I dont expect you to understand, but you could try to be okay with not understanding. Thank you if you read all of that

hey bestie, not sure if youre aware, but relating to killers and fantasing about being killed is Not Fucking normal, seek help. i consume a lot of true content as ethically as i can, its not that i don't understand anything, its just that a lot of people who use the tag are fucking freaks who ought to look inwards and/or seek help. a lot of them are also minors, which, again, is not a good fucking thing to have 13 year olds fawning over """attractive""" serial killers. im not going to preach to children, but come on bro.

and a lot of you tcc bitches DO glorify killers. a lot of you ARE openly horny about serial killers. i have not once ever seen a True Crime Blog who shares a shred of empathy for the victims, or even mentions them. its always a "funny meme" about how Silly and Quirky some ugly fuck murderer is. you can, to a certain extent, understand and humanise a murderer, but that doesnt include making fucking headcanons and edits of them like theyre some fucking fictional character.

so yeah if you're gonna be horny on main about like, the fucking columbine shooters, i am, without a single ounce of regret, going to call you a freak. especially if you're self aware about.

also anyways the fact that mentioned reporting leads me to believe that you're the op of that stupid Dylan/Eric Would So Wear This shirt post, if so then kill yourself bitch! i don't feel bad! maybe don't have fun off the backs of victims and maybe your fun wouldn't get so ruined so easily.

[ixeliema]

Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

[engagemachine]

I think this film was made to manipulate people who feel scared and angry about society and politics right now, and right now with how much mental health is being spoken about on social media, to think "yes! finally! a character who feels like i do, look what can happen if outcasted and untreated, please help me!." and not be thinking wait wtf this is meant to be The Joker...

I was saying the exact same thing to a friend earlier today!!

Without making a huge statement about it as I try to avoid politics on Tumblr, mental illness as a whole is handled very poorly in this film and its attempt at igniting a social commentary (?) was downright lazy at best. It is offensive to people who do suffer from actual mental illnesses, and I think it is incredibly distasteful and dangerous that mental illness is portrayed as this Very Bad Thing that can escalate into a “this is what happens when you stop taking your meds” scenario. Like people who suffer from a mental illness are a couple of missed meds away from becoming a mass murdering clown or going ape shit. 

Also, the fact that the Joker’s “mental illness” is never clearly defined, and “mental illness” is carelessly thrown around like the umbrella term that it is. What mental illness does he have, exactly? It is hammered into the audience at every single turn that the Joker has some kind of illness (the only one we know of for sure is his laughing at inappropriate times, which, just… what even was that?) but what other conditions does he have? If he’s taking seven different medications, I’m guessing he suffers from several different illnesses. Psychosis and depression are probably pretty educated guesses, but the film never really tells you for sure. Using mental illness as a blanket term for whatever Arthur Fleck has going on… that ain’t good. 

The ultimate problem with how mental illness is handled in this film is how the Joker is glorified and held on a pedestal at the end, with the city hailing him as a hero for the working class, therefore dismissing and condoning his atrocious and inexcusable behavior. Like, because he’s had a rough go of things, he gets a free pass to be a monstrous human being. He is glorified. He is praised. It is wildly inappropriate. 

Does the audience know this is wrong? Maybe. I’d like to give the vast majority of moviegoers the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think media should be hyper-policed to the point where every film/novel/song is meticulously broken down and torn to shreds. But there is no question that the message this film sends is very inappropriate and, quite frankly, lazy as hell and ignorant, especially given the social context of what is going on right now in today’s society, as you mentioned. You don’t glorify a mass murderer. You wouldn’t make a film about what a rough life the teenagers who shot up Columbine had growing up, and then allow them to win at the end of it. And you might be reading this like, you’re comparing the Joker to the Columbine shooters? Really? And yeah, yeah I am. 

People who suffer from mental illness are still responsible for their actions and can and should be held accountable for them, just like everybody else. 

[aloneandunreal]

october 8, 20

oh wow, i haven’t posted in here in AWHILE. i know i said i’d post after i started school or whatever, but i forgot and got busy and i guess didn’t have the time to really write anything. but i think i want to kind of... talk about something now i guess? just to get it out. obviously i could talk to my friends or rant on the internet, but i don’t know, i just feel like i’m probably being dramatic and annoying. plus all of this took place in the past, so why am i still so pressed about it? but before i get into that, i guess i’ll speak a bit about how school is going and my insecurities (as usual).

welp, school started and it’s interesting to say the least, especially considering it’s online. i’ve gotten used to it, but getting called on in class is always really awkward and so are the damn breakout rooms... god, my heart sinks when i have to do that stuff. the other day in my english class i had to present a video i made about myself to the class and man, that was so nervewracking. in my head it felt like a life or death situation. speaking of english, it’s been kind of... tough i guess? i mean, not really, i just don’t know how to feel about the teacher. honestly none of my teachers have stuck out and i haven’t stuck out to them (i never do). i’m taking my first AP class, AP psych which has made me insecure. i’ve wanted to major in this since last year but had never taken classes because i had decided too late. anyway, i just found it interesting. so, i decided to take the classes this year, to see if this is really what i wanted to major in for college. it is interesting, yes, but i also feel kind of dumb in the class. it’s a big fast-paced (as expected for AP) but i just feel like i’m not retaining any of the information. my teacher teaches us like 50 new vocab words every day and it’s just... ugh. especially when he gives out quizzes (that i get mixed scores on... usually B’s or C’s). whenever i get a “bad” grade, i get really upset about it because this is what i want to major in! how the hell am i going to major in this subject if i can’t even have a good grade in the class or on assignments? sometimes i think i know what’s going on, but then the quizzes come along and it’s just...ugh. it makes me feel real bad, that’s all. i feel too dumb for this major. i wish i hadn’t decided so late what i wanted to do. and i had such high hopes for it, i wanted to get my phd and everything... yet have a B in a high school psych class. most of it is memorization, okay, but i’m TERRIBLE at memorization type things. i’m trying really hard in this class and i don’t know if it’s paying off or not. i still find it interesting and am still going to pick it as my major, but this AP class is just making me wonder, what if i’m not good at this at all? but at the same time i don’t want to pick something else to major in.... first of all i don’t even KNOW what i’d major in! there’s no second option! anyway, yeah, i’m just really insecure and sad about it. my grade in the class fluctuates a lot, but normally it’s a high B. which isn’t a bad grade per-se, but at the same time, how am i gonna major in this if i have a B? that means i’m not that good at it, right? i don’t even know. sometimes i wonder if it’s because of this situation (online learning) and/or my teacher’s style of teaching but honestly i’m just going to blame it on myself. i don’t know if i’m smart enough for it. but after all of this talk about majoring in psych, getting a phd, etc, i don’t want to throw that all away now. as i said, i still want to major in it, and of course find it interesting. the only question is: am i good enough??

other than that, my classes have been fine. i’m taking french 3 honors which has been... ok. it’s a little nerve-wracking because she makes us talk in french a lot and the class is kinda confusing but i think i’ll be ok. she’s a new-ish teacher, replacing my old french teacher who moved a couple years ago, and she seems nice but i don’t know if she’s the best teacher. everyone else in the class seems confused too so... i definitely don’t think it’s just me. then i’m taking sociology which is really interesting and i like the teacher - probably one of my favorites - though i kind of have something against her now because she’s forcing us to speak in class now FOR A GRADE. hopefully she changes her mind. then i have probability and statistics which has been ok so far. my teacher is really nice and the stuff we’ve been doing has been alright so far. a bit hard, but not insanely hard. 

anyway, that’s how my senior year is going. not the worst, but not the best either. i wonder what things would be like if everything was normal... it’d be way different. it’s weird how i’m starting to forget how things used to be. this quarantine stuff used to be weird, but now it’s turning into the norm, whereas my “old” life before all of this is starting to become distant. i don’t know how to feel about that. i’ve talked about this in previous entries but i still want to live that indie-film teen dream... it’s not happening, though, even after all of these years i’ve been in HS. definitely won’t happen this year with all that’s gone on. but aside from that, i’ve been definitely stressed about college and all of that stuff. i’m really anxious to go and don’t know what to expect. well, first of all i need to get INTO schools which is a whole other thing. i’m working on it, but it’s really overwhelming (the common app). i really wish i could have finished my junior year and things were normal, because then all this college stuff would be done (or at least most of it). i still need to do my SAT - which first of all i probably won’t even include in my application to schools because it’s optional, but my mom still wants me to take it. other than all of this crazy “applying to schools” stuff, i also am of course insanely nervous about college. i’ve probably talked about this in previous entries, but i guess i’ll mention it again. i’m not AS worried about the academic stuff (well, still am) but not as much as the SOCIAL stuff. i’m HORRIBLE at socializing, and it makes me SO anxious. i can’t do normal people things, so how the hell am i going to go to college? let alone if i will even be GOING.. who knows what corona will be like around this time next september. ugh. it’s just really stressful all of this college stuff..... i don’t know if i’m ready, but at the same time i WANT to go. i don’t even know. 

anyway, that’s all that’s going on with school right now. i’ve had some really, really bad days the past couple of weeks which hasn’t happened in AWHILE. obviously i have bad thoughts, but lately it’s just been real bad. i’m okay now, though. 

this is already long enough, but now i’m going to finally talk about what i originally came onto tumblr for. as i’ve said, there’s likely no one reading this, and this is just for ME to read in the future. ok, anyway, yadda yadda, here we go on another big rant (what’s new).

i became friends with this girl... we’ll call her angel, in 6th grade i guess. we didn’t really become “friends” until 7th grade but 6th grade was when we met. she was a bit of a weirdo, and was particularly obsessed with this one girl who obviously found this creepy. angel would always obsess over this girl, calling her so pretty, always wanting to be with her etc etc. angel and i were kind-of friends i guess, as well as with my best friend at the time. an average friendship. 

seventh grade was where things really picked up, i guess. i don’t exactly remember when; but it was probably because we had a lot of classes together. i don’t exactly remember when we started talking, but we did. she was a bit weird but i was just happy to have a friend at the time, i was feeling very lonely and unwanted. she had been dealing with mental health issues a lot and it was obvious because she told me. even in 6th grade i remember she’d wear a huge hoodie on the hottest of days to hide her self-harm. anyway, she was really not doing well. i remember one day she said she saw this post online that said to draw different colors on your wrist to show what you struggled with or whatever (eating disorder, depression, etc) and she put the colors for almost all of them. she glorified mental illness a lot and it was obvious. we were in 7th grade, though, so i don’t really hold that against her because i likely was doing the same thing. what i don’t condone (at least now) is the other things she did. 

first, it started off a little creepy but nothing that totally freaked me out. she’d call me pretty all the time, tell me she wanted to look like me, be as thin as me (keep in mind i thought i was fat and definitely was on the verge of an ED as well, if i didn’t already have one), have the same hair as me, etc. it was nice getting that attention since i was so insecure, but then all of a sudden she’d begin to insult me. “your nose is big”, “your chin is long” and she’d also roughly  touch me; pinch my cheeks hard and would touch the “fat” on my body to i guess make me feel bad? to make herself feel better? it was of course a jealousy thing. anyway, this made me feel real bad about myself since i already was dealing with insecurities. but then she’d go right back and start complimenting me again. it depended on the day i suppose. i don’t know if this really happened since i blocked this out of my mind, but i remember she pinched me so hard she left marks. she’d play it off as a joke and i’d just let her. 

angel joined me and my best friend at the time at recess sometimes, and she’d also call my friend “skinny” and “so pretty” and how she could be a model. basically the same stuff she told me. my friend wasn’t as bothered by it. anywho, angel and i became better “friends”. she’d text me literally 24/7, and sometimes i’d have to lie to her to get her off my back. she’d force me to go on facetime with her for hours even if i didn’t feel like it, etc etc. i stayed friends with her because i was lonely and “she wasn’t always bad!” i’d think to myself. my parents didn’t really like her and when they found out she self-harmed, they really did not want me being friends with her. my dad called her a “slicer”. i know he didn’t mean any harm, and was only looking out for me, hoping i didn’t do the same thing, but it still made me angry. angel was my friend. still, i listened to my parents and began ignoring angel; it was the only way i could get her to stay away. or at least that’s what i thought. she would harrass me all the time, begging me to talk to her again. i would just not answer, or if we were at school, look at the floor and not say a word. it made me feel awful. and then something happened that truly was a disgusting thing to do. she came over to me one day, and begged me to be her friend again. i kept my head down. then when nobody was looking, she raised her sleeves to show her scars, and said “if you keep ignoring me, i’ll cut myself”. i didn’t know what to do, so i didn’t do anything. i was terrified. i didn’t want her to do that. but she wouldn’t, right? it was just a tactic to get me back. well, i was wrong. i remember she came back the next day and showed me her fresh wounds and i felt awful. it was all my fault that she did that. so, i began talking to her again. i guess because i didn’t want her to do that again. looking back, that’s horrendous and disgusting. but i was naive. always was. 

so angel and i were friends again i guess. she hogged me from my other friends, but thankfully i’d push back a little bit and hang with my other friends. there were other smaller instances, but things that still impact me, such as when she told me i had a big nose and a long chin. yep, now those two things are huge insecurities of mine. not blaming it on her, of course not, but it was definitely a factor. 

as i mentioned, i was really not happy with my body and myself. i hated my body. thought i was so fat, at 108 pounds. so i’d starve myself at lunch. it was the only time i could successfully do it. angel saw me doing this one day, and got really upset with me for whatever reason (even though she had an eating disorder as well). i never understood why she did/said this, but she told me that if i kept on doing this, she was going to tell the guidance counselor (that i was starving myself). this freaked me out, because i didn’t want my parents to know. i kept doing it, praying that she’d forget, which she did. 

there was another time when we were walking in the hall one time, and i mentioned that i was in an enriched english class. now, keep in mind, i’ve been called dumb and looked down upon my whole life. so this wasn’t anything new. still hurt, though. anyway, basically i told her i was in an enriched class and she looked at me like i was crazy, “no you’re not” she said and laughed, “prove it” i got really flustered, because i WASN’T lying. so i proved it to her by asking the teacher if i was in her enriched class to which she confusingly said yes to. angel was surprised i guess. these small instances still make me feel bad about myself to this day. something so small can truly impact you.

other than that, i can’t remember much. i blocked a lot of it out except for those things. i shoved it in the back of mind, telling myself it wasn’t a big deal. for years. after seventh grade we drifted apart but were still mutuals. and still are to this day. i don’t have anything against her.. i guess not. but she truly was a terrible person, and i pray to god she’s changed. of course she wasn’t in the right mindset, but that doesn’t excuse her doing those god awful things to me (and other people as well). i never realized in 6th grade that, like the girl she was obsessed with then, i would be the new obsession. a lot of it adds up now, the way she’d compliment me and then put me down. all jealous, manipualtive things. she was of course a weirdo to everyone, but i was friends with her because i was naive and nice and alone. i think she has friends now, and nobody thinks she’s as weird as they used to. i don’t really know what’s up with her now. i don’t hold anything against her... but should i? i don’t even know. anyway, the only reason i’m speaking about this is because i needed to get it out for once. but i felt too uncomfortable telling a friend. plus, i feel like i’d just be dramatic and should just get over it - this was five years ago. i don’t know if i ever will, though. i just can’t help but think about the things she did and how i would STILL so easily fall for something like that again. which is sad after all of the toxic friendships i’ve had throughout the years. 

either way, that’s the end of angel. there’s probably things i could speak about concerning her, but i either forget or just don’t think it’s worth mentioning. we were twelve and thirteen, and i still wonder if i’m just being dramatic. we were just kids. she didn’t know what she was doing. but did she? either way, angel was sick in the head. she probably forgets all of this, or blocks it out of her mind, maybe even makes it seem like she’s the victim. i don’t know. i just wanted to get that out.

of course throughout the years there’s been a bunch of toxic friendships i’ve been apart of, or just people who have taken advantage of me. but that would make this terribly long. and it already IS terribly long. 

but, i am now thinking, why do i glorify seventh grade so much? i always miss it so much, but once i truly think about it, it was an awful year. my anxiety was insanely bad, i was starving myself, i hardly had friends, my “best friend” was toxic (and of course i stayed with her), was getting groomed that summer (before & during 8th grade), was s*xually harrassed by a boy at my school (which is a whole other thing), angel was obsessed with me, etc. so i don’t know why i make it seem better than it actually was. but i still miss it, god i hate myself for that. why? why do i miss all of the terrible times in my life? i’ll never understand why. i know i sound like i’m overexaggerating, but i’m not. all of these things have happened. why would i lie? it’s not like there’s anyone else reading this. i just need to let it out somewhere, which is why i’m doing it here. some day i want to speak about the boy in 7th grade who s*xually harrassed me, but it definitely makes me very uncomfortable and ashamed. i’m going to need to let it out some day, though. i’ve never told anyone except for my mother, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. boys will be boys, right? it was five years ago, anyway. but i’ll speak of that in another entry (perhaps). i know nobody is reading this but i hope, if anyone does, they don’t think this is an attention thing. everything i write here is true. it’s for me, but of course i’m posting it online in public so anyone can see it. 

so, anyway, i suppose i’ll end it here. that’s all about angel and about what’s going on currently in my life. i don’t know when i’ll write next, but goodbye for now. i hope things get a bit better; with the world, with myself. so, future ava, if you’re reading this, are things better now?

[zerolover66]

I've been contemplating which VK blog to send this to because, honestly, so many of you are blinded by your love of your ship that you refuse to read the story as it is and instead let your bias take over. I've always known that VK was a toxic fandom, but the most recent activity I've seen is absolutely vile from BOTH sides. From cyberbullying to mocking suicide and mental illness. From bringing up activity from over 4 years ago to photoshopping characters OUT of scenes and... (1/?)

Anonymous said:

I know that sometimes the amount of blood spilled is exaggerated in art and that it’s not uncommon in vampire stories for bites to be associated with sexual acts. Since we do not know, don’t make a post showing Zero yelling at Yuuki and “inciting fear into her” before showing her past fear of “scary vampires” and call it abuse to GLORIFY your own ship. It is REVOLTING. We do not know the dialogue, so how can we interpret the scene? (4/?)

Anonymous said:

I do not yet know if the next chapter contains abuse and if it does, then EVERYONE should acknowledge it, but do not act biased by NOT acknowledging ALL abuse in the story regardless of your ship. By doing this, it’s as if you’re mocking ACTUAL victims of emotional and verbal abuse, abuse that is difficult to prove, simply to feel as if your ship is valid. It’s more than a slap in the face, it’s like spitting. Please act respectfully. And sorry for the spam… (5/5)

Hi anon. These are the only three that I received in my inbox so i will just answer them the best that I can.

For the answer to (1/?) I too know quite a few fandoms can be toxic. It seems that the VK fandom is always singled out and tbqh that is just a load of bull. As for the rest of what you stated I have not participated in any of the craziness that is going on within the fandom right now. I in no way condone bullying of any kind. I do not photoshop characters out of scenes but to me it is not a big deal for those who do. Mocking suicide and mental illness is out of the question for me. Never have done it and never will.

The answer to (4/?) is that I know which blog is the one who posted the edit of Zero and Yuuki being afraid that the scary vampire was going to eat her. I try to steer clear of those blogs as they simply will upset me and I am not here for that.

I will say that the scary vampire that Yuuki openly told to his face that she was afraid of was Kaname, not Zero. In fact Yuuki told Zero even when he held bloody rose to her head that she knew he would never pull the trigger. She knew that he would never hurt her. So that is my response to the post trying to mock Zero as being the scary vampire who would eat Yuuki. As for the bite scene there is a lot of blood but there is also a scene in one of the other chapters where Yuuki is biting Zero and blood is literally dripping down his arm and off of his hand. Blood gets spilled some times. The biting is not against Yuuki’s will. It is not a punishment. It is set up to look a bit sexual at that. I don’t see abuse in the scene. I see two desperate people who love each other and are working their way through things. Yuuki wants Zero to live as long as possible and this involves taking a lot of her blood.

As for the abuse topic, everyone sees abuse differently. It depends on our own life experiences, our own moral code, and our own kinks too. What is one person’s abuse is another’s sexual pleasure. I personally hated Fifty Shades of Grey. Yet some of my cousins who are EXTREME feminists loved it. When I asked them how they could love that mess of a story their replies were this. It was done between two consenting adults. She knew exactly what was going on. She set her own boundaries. They had a safe word. It was their kink and as long as they both consented and were adults who are we to judge.

So my answer to the abuse topic is, I lived abuse. I witnessed abuse first hand. I lived through hell. The end of this chapter was not abuse in my opinion. They were two consenting adults. It was different from what happened between Kaname and Yuuki because Kaname was punishing and belittling Yuuki. Also Yuuki was a mere 17 year old girl at the time. The two scenes are vastly different though they look alike, the context is different. No, let me take that back. They don’t even look alike. The bite scene is very sensual. The way her top is falling off, Zero’s hand up her shirt, the position of her legs while he is down there biting her thigh, the way her hand with the bracelet is over her head, and the way they are positioned as they hug after the biting. All of this is very sexualized. It is very different from the other ship’s scene. 

To conclude, I don’t really know why you chose my blog to get these things off of your chest. But I think your purpose would be better served going to the inboxes of those guilty parties within the fandom who have upset you. I doubt anyone from the opposing ship will see this so it really doesn’t get the message out there to the entire fandom.

I hope my answers help you somewhat.

Thanks for dropping by :)

[musicalmatrix]

Flaws in Dear Evan Hansen

Requested by @youll-rise-again 

Kind of also a response to @evanhcnsen @hellagaysaltsquad @havenous 

And the anons

And anyone else who wants to fight (I can’t believe I’m wasting my data on y'all.) 

First off, I want to get out of the way that I actually enjoy this musical. The music is great and the cast is phenomenal. But that doesn’t mean I’m not ready to call out the bullshit, so buckle up. 

FIRST AND FOREMOST: Every time I say this musicals plot is problematic, everyone tells me it’s because “the written summary makes it sound worse than it is; the dialogue makes it way better.” To which I have two responses: The first is I have watched the bootleg so I know the dialogue. The second is if you plot sounds problematic, but the dialogue “makes it better”, that is the dialogue manipulating you to overlook the fact that the plot is STILL PROBLEMATIC. 

So let’s get into why the plot is problematic, and we’ll start with basics. There is something that should rub everyone the wrong way about someone pretending to be friends with someone who committed suicide and profiting from it. I am not saying that Evan didn’t have good intentions or anything. I understand why he did it. I’m just saying. Inherently, it’s wrong. And it needs to be addressed.

I’m having a hard time deciding what order to put these in, but next I think I’m going to talk about Evan as a character. The first thing I’m gonna say is Ben Platt deserves Best Actor because of how well he portrays social anxiety. But that’s about where the good ends (at least for what I want to talk about). Evan Hansen is a flawed character. Extremely flawed, actually. Sure, he has good intentions and stuff, that’s great. But it doesn’t change the fact he lied to everyone and fucked them over. Big time. He fucked over Zoe by dating her after he lied about her brother. He fucked over the Murphy’s because let’s not forget all the hate they got from the world after Connor’s “suicide” note was released. He fucked over his friends by dragging them along into their lies and ignoring how they felt. And last but not least, he fucked over his mother by ditching her. Now you’re all pretty pissed now I’m sure. Here’s the thing: I don’t care. It’s one thing for Evan to fuck over everyone and then be held accountable. But give me one time in the show he is fucking held accountable. Just one time. He apologizes. And then it’s over. They just forgive him. Like he’s so precious and needed to be protected. No. Just no. A mental illness is not an excuse to fuck everyone over. Evan needs to be held accountable. They never release what he did to the public. They never do ANYTHING about what he did. And don’t give me this bullshit of “He learned his lesson and felt bad.” That’s not being accountable. That’s regretting making a pretty obvious mistake that backfired on him. Being accountable would be coming out to the world and saying he lied and taking whatever backlash comes from that because that’s what he put on the Murphy’s. Being accountable is fixing your mistake, no matter how much it will suck. It’ll be hard? Then you shouldn’t have profited from someone committing suicide. Having social anxiety is not an excuse to fuck everyone over and then not do a damn thing to fix it. Stop glorifying Evan. (And I know I’m going to get a lot of shit for this, so please just keep in mind that I would never let myself or any of my friends get away with this bullshit just because of our social anxiety. I sure as hell hope you wouldn’t either.)

So from there I’m going to go into Connor (with a touch on Zoe) and how not only the show but the fandom glorifies him as well. I’m saying this right now: Connor is trash, and I have no tolerance for glorifying him. I literally think I just heard people exploding as I wrote that. But y’all asked for problems, and I’m giving them to you. If you can’t acknowledge the problems with your own show, you are part of the problem. So let’s get into this. My main problem with Connor (and probably only one I’ll feel like touching on because it’s a big enough flaw) is that he is abusive. That’s right, he’s abusive. Not abused. A b u s i v e . Canonically: mentally and emotionally. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was physically as well. The proof? After Connor dies, Zoe states “Just because Connor isn’t punching through my door screaming that he’s going to kill me for no reason? That doesn’t mean that all the sudden we’re the fucking Brady Bunch.” I need you to read this very carefully: Even if you have a mental disorder, I will never condone, defend, or even waste my time in entertaining the idea of excusing this behavior. It is abuse. And it is awful. I have heard over and over again in this fandom that “Connor just needed love and attention and he would have be fine.” You know what? I don’t give a fuck about Connor. What about Zoe? Would she have been fine? Even if Connor had gotten better, would she ever been able to fully get over her brother threatening her life? Would she ever be able to trust him again? Would she ever get to a point in her life she believed without a single doubt that Connor would NEVER do it again? Those are the questions you should be asking. Connor Murphy is abusive trash and you’re right: he could have been alright and he deserved to be remembered. But he doesn’t deserve to be lied about. He doesn’t deserve to be worried about more than the people he destroyed. And he sure as hell does not deserve to be glorified.

So I’ve veered off the path of plot flaws and did some character flaws. Now I’m bringing it back to plot flaws, which we will begin with Zoe. Zoe was abused by Connor. When Connor dies, Zoe actually specifically sings a song about how she refuses to be upset about it, because that’s how awful Connor was to her. That kind of harm takes–if it’s even possible–years upon years of carefully rebuilding trust to get over. It does not take some stranger you’ve talked to maybe once in your life waltzing in and saying “Oh yeah, your brother thought you were great” ten minutes after your brother dies. If you think that is in even the realm of possibility, I have to tell you that you’re really fucking dense. A more realistic response to this would be “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but you were never on the other side of the door while he was screaming he was going to kill me. You never had to endure any of that. So I actually don’t appreciate you belittling my feelings and experiences by saying you knew him better than I did.”

Another huge flaw to this show (which has been pointed out time and time again) is everyone’s responses to finding out Evan lied. You’re seriously telling me that the Murphy’s don’t expose him? Or yell at him? Make him pay for the anguish he put them through? He literally further destroyed an already grieving family. And he’s not even going to get punished for it by them? That is completely unrealistic and honestly makes the story entirely less compelling. They literally coddle the person who has made their lives a living hell. And Evan’s mom? He’s been lying to her for like a year and making shitty life choices and using this poor grieving family to get away from her, and she just forgives him just like that? Listen, in my life, I have encountered too many toxic people to allow Evan to get away with this. Being suicidal is not an excuse and should not grant someone immediate forgiveness if they have hurt other people. It’s a hard lesson to learn in life that you honestly don’t want to learn. But for two years I had a friend that (I realize now) would emotionally and mentally abuse me, and any time I would get upset about it, she would tell me she was suicidal. And immediately, my feelings weren’t important anymore. And that probably did more damage to me mentally than almost anything else in my life: having to tell myself I was being selfish when somebody really hurt me. I realize that that is not exactly what Evan’s doing, but it’s the same concept. He made his mom feel like shit, and instead of taking responsibility for it and trying to make it up to her, she found out he was suicidal and suddenly she wasn’t allowed to be angry at him anymore. She had to forgive him immediately, even though he hurt her and she needed to express that.

My next point isn’t really with the plot, but just the show as whole. So the show has this whole “representing mental illness” thing going, but the more I think about it, the more that’s a hard sell for me. Ben Platt does an amazing job portraying it, but the show (as I’ve mentioned before) glorifies his character. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but being mentally ill does not excuse horrible behaviors. And so what I want to touch on now is how the show doesn’t really represent mental illness as a whole, but rather glorifies one person with a mental illness. And to do that, I want to talk about Alana: my favorite character in this show. Now, I’ve already posted several things about Alana and her high-functioning anxiety. But her anxiety isn’t canonized, and that’s kind of what irks me. Alana portrays all the signs of every high-functioning person I know (and I lived in an Honors dorm and have all Honors friends in college, so I know a lot of high-functioning people and am one myself.) But never once in the show is it addressed or acknowledged. Hell, most people don’t know what the hell I’m talking about right now. But it’s there. It’s real. Alana is struggling as well. But we don’t focus on her, oh no. We only get to focus on her if it’s convenient to Evan. And sure, the writers may not have wanted to focus on her, or maybe they don’t even know they gave her high-functioning anxiety. But if that’s true, then Dear Evan Hansen is not a musical representing mental illness. It’s about a kid who happens to have anxiety. You don’t get to cherry pick what parts of mental illness you want to care about. If Dear Evan Hansen truly wanted to accurately portray mental illnesses, they wouldn’t glorify one and ignore the other.

Another thing about the show is that it’s whitewashed for absolutely no reason. I remember last year that this time, everyone was talking about how Hamilton revolutionized music theater. There would now be diversity. Crops would flourish. Everything would be amazing. And here we are a year later. Two POC nominated for Best Actor/Actress in Lead/Supporting Role, and they’re in the same category. Look at that. We’re worse than the Oscar’s. And the shitty thing is, it’s not because POC just weren’t nominated. It’s because POC simply weren’t in this season. Now, I’m not at all talking down all the people nominated. They’re all amazing at what they do and deserve to be nominated. I’m just saying. There is no reason for Dear Evan Hansen to be all white people (besides Alana, who is hated on almost constantly, so don’t even try to defend this show with her). And yet, here we are. It’s a little disappointing to think last year at this time, we were so excited for representation, but now we’re back to where we started. And I know I’m walking a fine line here because this probably sounds like I don’t appreciate this cast. But I do. I think the cast is fabulous. I just also think the show needs more representation. Because believe it or not, POC have mental illnesses and deserve to be represented as well. As a theater community, we can’t just say “Well, we have Hamilton, so now all of theater is diverse.” No. Most of theater is still very very white. And until we start acknowledging that, it will never change.

There’s literally so much more to touch on and maybe I’ll add onto this later, but I have one last thing I want to talk about right now. And that is the excuse that people are saying of “Dear Evan Hansen is supposed to be flawed.” In a way, you are correct. Dear Evan Hansen is supposed to be flawed in the way of “Is it morally okay to lie about someone who has committed suicide if everyone is better for it?” Which is why I didn’t talk about that much. Those types of flaws push your boundaries and make you really think. That’s supposed to be there. What’s not supposed to be there is everything else I’ve talked about. Evan never being held accountable is not an intentional flaw. Connor being glorified despite being abusive is not an intentional flaw. Zoe forgiving Connor because Evan tells her to is not an intentional flaw. Nobody being able to be upset with Evan because he’s coddled is not an intentional flaw. Ignoring an entire character with a mental illness is not an intentional flaw. Those are ignorant flaws. Those are things that should have been fixed. Those are unrealistic and potentially harmful things to put into your show.

In summary: You asked for an essay, you got a fucking essay. Like I said, I might add to this, but I’m tired and am going to bed now. You can love the show, go for it. I enjoy it too. But to suggest that the show is perfect and has absolutely no flaws? It’s ignorant and quite frankly, it’s annoying. This show is flawed. One would evan say “flawed as hell”. So with that, I’ll end with this. Dear Evan Hansen deserved to be nominated, no questions asked. Despite everything I talked about, it has some pretty strong qualities as well. It does not, however, deserve to win, because of all the flaws in the show that are clearly unaddressed. That might be harsh, but if you put a musical like this out into the world, you better make damn sure you did it right. That’s the responsibility you take when making something this important. And so I will not apologize for “being mean” or “nasty” to DEH. You can yell at me and call me a shitty person all you want. You can say I’m tearing the theater fandom apart. Fucking go for it. If that’s what I get for refusing to glorify something clearly problematic, then so be it. I’m not “hating” on the show because it’s not my “type”. The show has flaws. And a show with this many flaws should not win Best Musical. I’m sorry you can’t handle the reality of that.

P.S. I could write an entirely separate essay on how toxic y’all’s fandom is, but I’ll save that for another time.

P.P.S. Y’all can pretend not to see this. You can ignore everything I said here. You can stay in your little bubble and refuse to acknowledge the flaws. But all of us out here? We see it. We see the flaws. All of us. And we see you, ignoring them. Just a heads up.

[snapdraqons]

Just wanna make a quick post addressing the Jonah Magnus content I've created, particularly in relation to jonah magnus week.

I enjoy writing content of Jonah Magnus and the 1800s characters bc I like stuff that

a) is set in that time period and

b) develops characters that don't really exist in canon.

However I will say: I do my best to write Jonah as a villain, or at least as a bad person in fics set before he fully becomes an avatar. I also try to portray the bad things done by the characters as bad - the grave robbing and murder and other objectively bad things are a reflection of the fact that I'm not writing these characters as good people. I know a lot of people who write Jonah do the same.

That being said, writing bad people doesn't mean you have to write ableist content. Mental illness is not a scapegoat for shitty behaviour or a concept for porn.

Writing bad people also doesn't mean making them rapists, especially when writing it in an outright pornographic context. There's a lot of nsfw stuff focusing on Jonah that involves graphic rape/non-con like this. I want to make this post, as someone who has several fics centering on Jonah + the characters from the early 1800s, to say that I don't read, encourage or condone shit like that. You can include traumatising events in fics without making it pornographic or glorified. It's not that hard, believe me. You can say "don't like don't read" all you like but at the end of the day I dont wanna associate myself with anyone who writes what is, at the end of the day, basically rape porn.

This post isn't an attack on anyone specifically involved in Jonah Magnus Week (which I've taken part in), including mods and creators who took part. It's more of a message to followers + mutuals who are aware of content like this and to say that I don't condone or associate myself with it.

Anyone trying to start shit on this post will just be blocked bc I honestly can't be asked to have arguments over something like this.