#also i will try to get back to messages eventually i am just so mentally ill i am SORRY | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

paigesfuturewifey · 5 months ago

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authors note! IM SORRY FOR BEING MIA college was kicking my ass (still is) and i’m trying my hardest not to crash out but here is an angsty fic :D

this is also heavily inspired by she wouldn’t be gone by blake shelton IK IK country music sue me it is unfortunately part of my roots so yes here she is

“i’m sick of this caitlin!”

you two had been going back and forth for a while about this, both too stubborn to admit who was in the right and who was in the wrong.

it’d been two months since caitlin went first pick in the wnba draft. two months of caitlin continuously forgetting about your date nights, two months of caitlin lagging hours on end and then eventually responding to your messages with one word replies, two months of wondering if caitlin would be home from practice at a decent hour or if you’d go to sleep in a cold, empty bed.

two. fucking. months.

of course, you understood the fact that caitlin’s job required almost all of her undivided attention and you were extremely proud of her and all her accomplishments.

but being second priority to her job was taking a toll on your mental health.

you were tired of being alone all the time. the sacrifices you made, picking up everything and moving to indiana with caitlin to be with her, felt pretty fruitless when you had barely seen her in your own apartment.

caitlin’s response came low at first as she rubbed her temples, “what do you want me to do?” and then she repeated it louder, throwing her arms up in frustration, “what do you want me to do?!”

“i want you to be here! you’re never here anymore, caitlin! i’m alone ALL THE TIME now!”

“that’s not fair. i’m doing this for us! for— for you!”

you shook your head, pointing an accusatory finger at her. “no. no. not for me. this is what you wanted! you wanted this! i didn’t—“

“i didn’t ask you to move to indiana with me!”

the statement felt like a slap to the face. caitlin, of all people, knew how hard of a decision it was to move to indiana. to be away from your family. your sister, your parents.

caitlin never pressured you into it, of course. she was insistent that if you had decided to stay in iowa, you’d make long distance work. but when you ultimately decided to stay with, whom you thought was the love of your life, caitlin couldn’t of been more happier.

the two of your popped a bottle of champagne in celebration and spent the night talking, laughing, planning your futures together.

a bittersweet memory that seemed so distant at the moment.

as you narrowed your eyes, you felt a tear roll down your cheek, followed by three or two more. “you know what, caitlin? you’re right. you didn’t ask. but it was a sacrifice i was willing to make for you!”

“you’re not the only one making sacrifices—“

the mere start of the sentence had you letting out a laugh, putting your hands behind your head as you paced back and forth. “you’re not listening.”

“i am listening—“

“no! you’re hearing me but you’re not listening to me!”

silence fell upon the two of you, both contemplating your next words because you both knew you guys were pretty close to crossing lines that couldn’t be uncrossed.

you placed your hands on the counter, leaning on it while hanging your head low, letting the tears drop onto the floor. “i can’t do this anymore,” you finally let out in a small whisper, but it hit caitlin in the gut. “i don’t want a life where i spend more time waiting for you than being with you.”

“you don’t mean that. please baby, stop.” caitlin’s warm hands were suddenly around your waist, leaning her head on your shoulder and kissing softly. “let’s just go to bed, yeah? i promise, i promise things will be different, okay? i’ll make more of an effort. i’ll try and get home on time for dinner. i know things aren’t easy right now, but i can’t lose you. we’ll figure it out, i’ll— i’ll try harder. okay?”

but even when those words eased your mind a little, you both knew the promise wouldn’t be kept.

so it wasn’t really a shock to you when you sat at the dinner table, candles lit and your meal sitting in front of you with the empty chair across from you.

you cooked caitlin’s favorite meal, wore her favorite set underneath your clothes that was her favorite color. you looked at the clock, and when it read 10:30, you scoffed.

you were fed up. you were well over your boiling point.

and, so, when caitlin entered your guys’ apartment at midnight, her heart ached a little at the sight of your untouched meals at the table, and candle she assumed was lit at one point.

she rubbed a hand over her face, quickly walking to your shared room. then she froze in her spot.

your side of the room was empty. from your nightstand being stripped of its decorations, to your side of the closet being completely empty.

the suitcases you used for when you guys planned vacations were gone. along her your toothbrush, makeup, hair products, basically everything that made your shared apartment shared was gone.

caitlin wasted no time picking up her phone and clicking your contact, holding the phone to her ear. she anxiously waited, suddenly feeling as if her whole life was falling apart.

voicemail. she tried seven more times. all went straight to voicemail.

her mind immediately went straight to denial, there was no way you picked up and left, right? you always said you would, but caitlin never believed you. never truly believed you.

or maybe she just didn’t listen to you.

she snatched her keys from the table, leaving the apartment and shutting the door loudly behind her. she bet all her money that her neighbors hated her.

that’s how she ended up in her car, speeding down the highway on a rainy night, frantically calling all of your shared friends.

she started with your mom, driving down the road at 90 miles an hour and switching lanes like an absolute maniac. she’d gotten honked at at least four times already.

“caitlin.” your mom greeted, though judging by her cold and and distant tone, and her use of caitlin’s full name instead of cait, caitlin could tell the news had no doubt got back to her.

“do you know where she is, mrs. l/n?” her question came right off the bat, figuring she had no time to waste in finding you.

your mom’s answer was quiet. and caitlin learned your families habits quickly enough to know that when she went quiet, she was lying. “please—“

“i’m afraid i can’t speak with you now, goodbye caitlin.”

then the line went dead.

with her left hand on the steering wheel, she punched the middle with her right and threw her head back.

her next call was kate because you three all had been very close throughout your iowa college years. kate always understood you in a way that made caitlin jealous.

and for a while, she she was a topic of argument in your relationship because caitlin constantly needed reassurance that she was the one you wanted.

there was clearly a rift in caitlin and kate’s friendship after, but after the move to indiana, they seemed to be mending their friendship. until now.

kate answered on the first ring with a hard question. “what’d you do, clark?”

“kate, i— i fucked up. she’s gone. i don’t know where she went. her stuff’s gone, her clothes are gone, she’s gone.”

“damn it, caitlin. you always do this shit— you drove her away, again.“

“do you know where she is?” caitlin demanded, arriving to her first destination.

“no.”

“you’re lying.”

“no i’m not—“

“i should’ve figured you wouldn’t help me find her. you’ve always been pathetically in love with her, ever since college.” caitlin scoffed out bitterly.

“caitlin—“

“know what? no. you’ve always been on her side, since day one. i can’t even do this right now—“

“you’re frustrated with yourself, about driving y/n away, so your picking a fight with me.” kate spoke calmly, fueling caitlin’s anger.

“don’t fucking psycho analyze me, right now martin.” with that she abruptly ended the call, getting out of the car and walking into the ice cream shop the both of you loved dearly.

after that, she went to your favorite coffee shop, after that, nalyssa’s apartment, then aliyah’s, then the hotel near your apartment.

she held her face in her hands, finally letting the sobs ripple through her. she suddenly realized how under appreciated your voice was. she was forgetting how sweet it was, how beautiful it was when you hummed her to sleep.

she was forgetting your voice already.

and she realized that she should’ve fought harder. should’ve told you how much she loved you, cherished you, needed you.

maybe, just maybe, if she had done that, you wouldn’t be gone.

safe to say caitlin didn’t find you that night, and no one told her where you might’ve went.

#wnba #caitlin clark #caitlin clark fanfic #caitlin x reader #caitlinclark imagine #cc x reader #caitlin clark x reader #wlwnba #wlw post #wlw #wbb x reader #wnba x reader #iowa women’s basketball #iowa hawkeyes #iowa wbb

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doodledrawsthings · 25 days ago

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you. Oh my god, you. (Positive)

listen. Before I had internet access, all I had was 1 hour of allotted browser time, bing image search, and a single dantdm play through of a hat in time that never got finished. I googled fanart and got pretty much nothing, I googled fancomics and got pretty much nothing, but you know what I did end up finding?

your art.

from ages 11-14, my goal in life, in art, was your art. I can’t tell you how much I loved finding random screenshots of your posts, because I was always just so impressed by how clean and consistent your sketches are, how the characters always stay on model, the shape language, how you could somehow sketch a character in like 20 lines when it took me 50 to draw sans in my little spiral notebook— like! Holy shit! For years I have looked up to your art! There’s still a photos folder on my dads old huge-ass 12 inch work iPad labeled “holy crap” and filled with your art. Because it inspired me so much. It’s become an undeniable part of my artstyle, now — I still have fanart I drew way back in the day of Hattie and the rest, I didn’t even know anyone’s names because I couldn’t play the game, but you’re the reason I eventually did play the game. Your coffee shop au and different versions of the prince— one of those ieterations inspired the main character of my novel! Well, novel that I tried to write, I was 13 so it was eh, but I tried!!

I’m submitting this on-anon because I don’t want to out my age on the wide internet (I like my privacy) but. Your art has really meant a lot to me. It’s the reason I played hollow knight, and it’s the reason I kept trying to develop an art style I was happy with. You’re the reason I started scribbling comics in my notebooks. Being 13-14 was pretty much the worst two years of my life, but I had Bing image search and the occasional glimpse of your signature, and I’d be so happy every time I found a new (if crusty) three-times screenshotted jpg. You literally introduced me to the concept of polyamory and nonbinary-ness with the coffee shop au. I had no other access to that in my household, and. Yeah. It meant a lot to me.

Anyway. I’m so glad I’ve finally tracked you down (in the most non-ominous way possible) and I’m so glad you’re still active— Please never stop making art. Your art is incredible, and amazing, and also you never know who’s out there on Bing image search. Thank you for creating for as long as you have. You’re pretty much the reason I’m shooting for an art degree (Wish me luck!) so just…Thank you.

(Also I had no idea you were a professional storyboarder, which is insane because that’s what I want to be when I’m through college. Hey, maybe I’ll end up storyboarding a remake of something you’ve storyboarded! hehehe)

Hi anon!

So right off the bat, I gotta tell you that this message made me start bawling when I woke up and saw it. Like I had a full-on cry session while reading your message and lying in bed for almost an hour. I am crying as I am typing this response, on my phone, still in bed. It’s 11am and i woke up at 9. So I hope it turns out coherent.

The last two years have been. weird. I say that a lot because I wanna say “rough” but that still doesn’t feel quite right. I’m almost hyper-aware that there are so many people that have it worse than me rn, so it feels hard to even acknowledge when I’m going through anything, myself, sometimes- REGARDLESS, it’s been kind of an all-time low for my mental health. There was a point within in the last year where I just HATED drawing. I struggled to bring myself to work, I struggled to bring myself to even draw for fun. It felt like I was posting just to post, trying to keep people aware of my existence and it almost felt physically painful to force myself to sit down and do it, sometimes.

I’m getting better now, I think, but. Yknow.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the “oh I can make money off this,” “oh I can get attention off this,” “oh I can prove myself a functional person in society with this,” of it all. I forget why I actually do this, sometimes, or if I even enjoy it. And then I get messages like yours, about the kid with limited internet access looking for A Hat in Time fan art on Bing image search, and I get taken back to when I was a kid scrolling Google images and deviantart for the same thing.

I don’t mean to like. Foster some kind of parasocial thing with you or any one of my followers. There’s a reason I’m saying all this, I hope it ties up in the end.

We don’t know each other. I’m not some mysterious legendary artist, or whatever. I’m a person who gets burnt out, and jealous, and insecure. I need inspiration to function, just like you, and when I don’t have it, I get art block. But I also really like to draw fictional characters kissing and hanging out. I like coming up with comics and stories and playing out dramatic and funny scenarios in my head like I’m mashing Barbies together. And when other people tell me they enjoy the stuff I put out when I do this, it makes me really, really, really happy.

I think I needed to read your message, probably. With the state of… Everything… Right now, especially recently, I feel like a lot of artists are also struggling with a sense of purpose, pride, and reason as the world makes it harder and harder to even BE an artist, these days. And when I read this message it was like Anton Ego at the end of Ratatouille, I got taken back to when I was a kid looking at my favorite artists and studying their style and striving to be better and better at it over years of my life. Not just because I wanted a job for it or cuz I wanted to be a famous Disney animator or whatever, but because it was fun and I just liked doing it.

Thank you, SO much. I say this in the most genuine and earnest way I possibly can possibly express. I wish you luck on your own path in art and art school. And if you decide that animation industry is your thing, then I wish you the best in that endeavor, as well. I think I will keep making art for a long time.

Peace and love on the planet earth ✌️✌️✌️

#alright I gotta get up and start my day I’m still in bed it’s almost noon lmao #you really never know who’s out there on Bing image search #rainy days tag #starting a new tag I wanna keep this

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scoutofmymind · 4 days ago

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Momma I request a prompt inspired by a song of your choosing (: I L Y

Couldn’t Make It Any Harder — { Luigi x Reader }

Content: mental health issues, mentions of past trauma, TorturedArtist!Reader, Empath!Luigi, Luigi says “go birds” after flipping off a woman, confused feelings, situationship, reader is just Very Confused in general, angst, eventual romance.

Wc: 5,107

I couldn't make it

Any harder to love me

Oh, one day, believe me

You’ll want someone who makes it easy

This has been floating around in my asks for awhile, and I wasn’t feeling practically inspired by any songs lately until Sabrina released Couldn’t Make It Any Harder and I couldn’t stop thinking about writing it.

This work was done quickly between my other ongoing Luigi projects, so I apologize for any inconsistencies or skipped backstory (you know I’m a backstory bitch) but I simply needed to get this out of my system, and remembered that an anon had asked me to write something based off of a song quite awhile ago!

Also, how could I leave you hanging on Valentine’s Day? Even if I’m posting this at 2 AM….

It's 8:30 AM at your usual coffee spot — that tiny café two blocks from Luigi's apartment where the barista always draws terrible attempts at latte art, and you’re still wearing yesterday's mascara, not because you've been crying, but because you spent the night in your studio, channeling your frustration into a new piece that's all sharp edges and bold strokes.

"I mean, we had a great time!" You're gesturing with your coffee cup, nearly spilling it. "We went to that new gallery opening, and he actually understood my rant about contemporary minimalism. Then dinner, drinks, great conversation — and now? Radio silence. Three days of nothing."

Luigi, sitting across from you, is trying not to smile at how animated you are, his laptop open beside him — he's probably got a Slack channel blowing up with messages from his dev team, but he rushed to meet you for this emergency coffee session, anyway.

The startup's dress code might be casual, but he always manages to look put-together in that effortless way that makes other tech bros look like they're not trying hard enough.

"Maybe I'm just-“ you pause, stirring your coffee aggressively, "too much, you know? Too loud, too passionate, too-"

"Stop," Luigi cuts in, closing his laptop and fixing his gaze on you again, "You're not too anything. You're exactly enough. So don’t even go there with me.” He massages his temples, “Too early for it.”

"I know that," you say firmly, because you do. "That's the thing — I like who I am. I like that I can talk about art for hours. I like that I get excited about things. I like that I feel everything so intensely. I'm not going to make myself smaller just because some guy can't handle it."

"Then don't," Luigi says, and there's something in his voice that makes you look up from the foam disappearing from your cappuccino. "The right person won't want you to."

"Exactly! And you know what? If Jake can't handle a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to say it-“ you trail off, reaching for your sketchbook. You start absent-mindedly drawing on a corner of the page.

“Ugh,” Luigi’s face screws in mock disgust, “His name was Jake?”

Putting down your pen, you lean back in your chair with a frustrated sigh. "But then again, if I'm so great, why does this keep happening? Three first dates in two months, Lu. Three. And they all end the same way."

"You mean with guys who can't handle someone who actually has opinions?" Luigi takes a sip of his coffee, his fingers tapping absently on his closed laptop. A notification buzzes on his phone — probably his team wondering where he is — but he doesn't even glance at it.

"No, see, that's just it," you lean forward, your hands moving expressively as you talk. "They love it at first. They think it's so fascinating and refreshing that I'm 'not like other girls', or whatever." You roll your eyes at the phrase, hating the taste of the words in your mouth. "But then it's like they realize I'm actually serious. That I'm not just putting on some manic pixie dream girl act for their entertainment."

Luigi's mouth quirks up at one corner. "Heaven forbid you be a real person with actual thoughts and feelings."

"Right? And I know — I know I'm not too much," you say, but your voice wavers slightly. You start fidgeting with your rings, a habit Luigi's seen a thousand times when you're wrestling with something in your head. "But sometimes I wonder if-"

"If what?"

"If maybe I should just- you know.. tone it down? Just a little? Just at first?" The words sound wrong coming out of your mouth, and you can see from Luigi's expression that he knows it, too. "No, you're right, forget I said that. That's stupid."

"It is stupid," he agrees, but gently. His eyes catch yours across the table again, his gaze steady and genuine. "Remember that installation you did last month? The one about authenticity?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you tell that bag of bones professor who said it was 'overwhelmingly honest'?"

A smile starts to spread across your face. "I told him that was the whole damn point."

"Exactly." Luigi checks his watch and starts gathering his things — he's definitely late now. "So maybe the problem isn't that you're too overwhelming,” he pats the top of your head, slinging his bag over his shoulder, “maybe they're just underwhelming."

•

You're standing in front of your last piece, forcing a smile that feels like it's splitting your face in half, as another guest explains to you what your own art means.

Behind you, you can hear snippets of conversations that make your skin crawl.

It's a bit... aggressive, isn't it?

Not quite gallery standard... these nepo kids..

Experimental, but perhaps too experimental..

Your hands are shaking, so you clasp them behind your back. You've been doing this grim waltz for two hours — nodding, smiling, explaining yourself over and over to people who look through you rather than at you, and the gallery owner keeps shooting you these looks, these little disappointed glances that make you feel about two inches tall.

You catch Luigi's eye across the room.

He's been watching, you realize, while pretending to be deeply invested in a conversation with some tech entrepreneur who probably thinks art is a good investment opportunity, and he tilts his head slightly — a question.

You shake yours — you’re not okay.

"The brushstrokes here," the current patron is saying, pointing at your most vulnerable piece, "they're rather — well, chaotic. Unorganized. Muddy. It’s strange to see. Was that intentional?"

Something inside you splinters.

"Excuse me," you manage, your voice surprisingly steady for how the room is tunneling, how your fingers begin to tingle, how your lungs have lost the ability to draw in a full breath. "I need some air."

You make it through the gallery, past the whispers and the stares, past the owner who starts to say something about maintaining appearances, past the front desk and around the corner to the back alley.

Then your legs give out.

You're gasping, trying to remember how breathing works, your back against the cold brick wall. The dress — that stupid yellow dress that Luigi said was his favorite — feels too tight. Everything feels too tight.

You tear at your collar, needing air, needing space, needing- "Hey." Luigi's voice, close but not too close. "I'm here."

"I can't-" you choke out. "I can't breathe, I can't-"

"Yes, you can." He moves slowly into your space, hands hovering but not touching. "Look at me. Just look at me. I’m right here. It’s all good.”

You shake your head violently, sliding down the wall. "They're right. They're all right. I'm not- this- This isn't-" Each word feels like it's being ripped from your throat, bloody and raw and dishonest and horrific. They aren’t right. You know they aren’t.

"Bullshit." The sharpness in his voice makes you look up. He's crouched in front of you now, his tie completely undone, his eyes fierce. "They're not right. They're not even close to right. They're looking at fireworks and complaining about the noise. Old fuckin’ bunch’a assholes.”

A sob catches in your throat, half laugh, half cry. "That's a terrible metaphor."

"Made you look at me, though." His voice softens, his hands resting on your clammy shoulders. "Breathe with me, okay? Just breathe."

You try to match his exaggerated breathing, your hands still shaking. "I put everything into this show," you whisper after your second deep breath. "Everything."

"I know."

"And they just- they- they just-“

"I know." He shifts, sitting beside you against the wall, careful to leave space, but still your shoulders bump together. "But. Want to know what I think?"

You turn your head to look at him, makeup probably ruined, dress definitely stained from the alley ground, but you’ve already abandoned ship, you’ve waved your white flag — there’s no use in pretending you haven’t crumbled in a New York alleyway now. "What?"

"I think they're terrified of you."

That startles a real laugh out of you, “What?"

"You heard me." He's looking straight ahead, but there's something fierce in his profile. "You walked in there with your soul on full display, unapologetic and raw and real, and they don't know what to do with that. People like that, they're comfortable with art they can hang in their dining rooms and forget about.” You watch him blink, gathering the words, “Your shit doesn't let them forget. It makes them feel things they don't want to feel."

You nudge him gently, a laugh flaring your nostrils. "That's a lot better than the fireworks metaphor."

Now he does look at you, a small smile playing at his lips, his cheeks blushed crimson from the wine he’d gulped down just to make himself a bit more sociable. "Yeah, well, I've had three glasses of their overpriced wine. I'm feeling poetic."

Another laugh bubbles up, watery but real. You let your head fall against his shoulder, just for a moment. "I don't want to go back in there."

"So we won’t." He doesn't move, letting you lean on him, his head leaning atop yours. "Let's go get real drinks instead. You can tell me all the things you wanted to say to that guy who tried to explain color theory to you."

"God, he was the worst." You straighten up slowly, wiping at your eyes. "Did you see his socks?"

"I was trying not to."

•

You're standing at the open bar, counting the minutes until it's socially acceptable to leave, when Madison — a college friend you haven't seen in years, who always seemed to help herself to open bars beyond her means — sways over.

Her champagne sloshes dangerously close to your dress, but for some reason, you don’t step back.

"Oh my god, it really is you!" Her voice carries just a bit too loud, and you can feel a few heads turning in your direction. "I almost didn't recognize you without, you know-“ she gestures vaguely at all of you, that sick smile still on her blush pink lips. "All the paint and shit all over you.”

You take a long sip of your drink, hoping it would wash away the rising tide of anxiety in your core. "Good to see you too, Mads.”

"So,” She leans in conspiratorially, her breath smelling of booze and mid-tier champagne. “I heard about your gallery show last month. The one at The Maxwell? God, that must have been-“ She trails off, eyes wide with what looks like concern but feels like something else entirely.

Your hand tightens around your glass. "Must have been what?" Your lips tighten into a line, “It was an- an honor to have the opportunity.”

Words your father had always said to you growing up echo in the far depths of your mind; Honor and Integrity.

There’s a humility in it, in accepting such a nightmare as privilege.

"Well, I mean — I saw that article that was going around Instagram. About how you just up and left? In the middle of opening night?" She takes another sip of champagne, watching you over the rim with her big, stupid brown eyes. "Is that true? That you didn't even come back to collect your pieces? God, that's crazy!"

The word crazy hits like a slap, and you can still feel the panic from that night, the walls closing in as people whispered, pointed, discussed your work like it was a car crash they couldn't look away from and did nothing to aid.

"It's not exactly-"

"And after everything with Matt, and then Jason- ugh,” She shakes her head. "I mean, I get it. Using art as therapy. But maybe actual therapy would be — I dunno — you know, beneficial?”

"Madison-"

"I'm just worried about you," she continues, reaching for your arm and her fingers feel like serpents, coiling around your skin, suffocating you. "We all are. First the whole thing with your poor father — god, remember how he used to say you were just too-"

"Don't." Your voice comes out sharper than intended, your brows furrowed at her like she’d backhanded you. “Don’t you fucking say another word.”

Madison almost gasps, clutching her necklace. “See? This is what I mean. All this reactionary stuff. The anger. The intensity. Have you thought about getting help? My therapist says sometimes when we've been through things-"

The garden somehow feels too small, the fairy lights too bright, the music too loud. Across the room, Luigi is trapped in conversation with the bride's uncle, but somehow he must sense something because his eyes find yours, his head tilted at you, his usual question.

Everything okay?

This time, you look away from him.

"I’m going to leave this conversation before-“

"No, wait, listen." Madison's grip on your arm tightens, slithering, sneering, hissing. Fangs, poison. “That show — people were talking about it for weeks. How raw it was. How fucking uncomfortable it made everyone. One of the pieces — the one with all the broken mirrors? Someone said it looked like a cry for help."

You can feel your pulse in your throat. "It wasn't a fucking-“

"And then you just disappeared! Like, who does that, girl? Just leaves their own show? The curator had to pack up your pieces himself. That's what the article said. Is that true?" She may as well have a microphone beneath your trembling lips, taking on the role of some cheap reporter for a local shittalking magazine.

Of course she read the article.

Everyone read the article.

The one that called your work a disturbing glimpse into a clearly troubled mind. The one that suggested your artistic breakdown was inevitable given your history of emotional instability.

It was laughable, truly, and anyone that knew you well enough had known so much to be so very far from the truth.

"I had my reasons," you manage, but your voice sounds distant even to yourself. “I had reason for leaving the way I did.”

"Obviously you did. That's what I'm saying. Maybe if you got some help, you know, dealt with all this and found ways to properly cope-“ She waves her hand vaguely again, like swatting away a pesky fly. "Then maybe you could make art that's more you know.. accessible. Enjoyable. Less-“

"Less me?" The words come out before you can stop them. “Bullshit. You wouldn’t know, Madison. You haven’t seen a single one of my shows, haven’t shown yourself at any of my gallery openings-“ your cheeks burn red hot, your glass of wine discarded and your hands balled into fists. “You’re lucky I don’t fucking pop that smirk right off your-“

"That's not what I-"

“It is exactly what you fucking-“

“No, it’s not! Look at yourself!”

"Hey!” Luigi's voice cuts through the rising panic. He's suddenly there, solid and real. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have that thing that we have to get to-“ he loops his arm around yours, and he swears he can feel the heat radiating off of you, hot and quivering like a volcano deciding if it’s time to erupt just yet or not.

Madison blinks at him, her nostrils flared at the sudden interruption. It seems as though this is exactly the reaction she wanted, and was pissed the show had called curtains so quickly. "What thing?"

"That very important thing," Luigi says firmly, already guiding you away. "Great catching up. Green is not your color. Go Birds.” As he turns you both, he raises his middle finger behind your back — not because you needed defending, but because that's who Luigi is; all sharp edges and fierce loyalty, a guard dog with his teeth bared in your honor, though, you catch the gesture in a reflection, and something warm unfurls in your chest.

Not because you needed saving, but because he'd always take your side, no matter the circumstances. He didn’t need to know why you were barking at this girl he’d never met before — he already knew you had good reason to do it.

You make it to the venue's back garden before your legs give out, and the fairy lights blur through tears you refuse to let fall. "Did you— fuck,” Your voice shakes as you reach to wipe away the tears before they even get the chance to glide down your cheeks. "Did you actually hear what she was saying or just see it?”

"Caught the greatest hits." His jaw is tight, his hand resting on your lower back as he hunches forward, clearly concerned but approaching all of it carefully.

You can’t help but wonder then how many times you’ll find yourselves like this — Luigi rescuing you from yet another mishap, and that alone could become a new reason to feel sorry for yourself.

And him.

"The article." You wrap your arms around yourself. "She read the fucking article."

Ironically, you had originally taken the article well.

Too well, in fact.

You'd invited them all over — Luigi, Anna, Theo — for what you called A Reading of My Professional Obituary. You'd spent all day in the kitchen, channeling your grandmother's stress-cooking legacy; bouillabaisse simmering for hours, Tarte Tatin caramelizing to golden perfection.

The good wine came out, the kind you'd been saving for a real occasion.

Perched in your chair like it was a throne, wine glass dangling from your fingers, you'd performed dramatic readings of the choicest quotes. "Sources close to the artist describe a history of emotional instability," you'd intoned, affecting a pompous art critic voice that had Luigi choking on his wine. "An unsettling collection that seemed less like art and more like a cry for help.”

The evening devolved into a tipsy game of "Guess the Snitch" — everyone taking turns suggesting increasingly ridiculous candidates for the mysterious source. "It was Gabby, in the gallery, with the emotional manipulation!" Theo had declared, wielding his bouillabaisse spoon like a gavel.

But Luigi had watched you through it all — the way your hand shook slightly when pouring wine, how your laugh got a little too loud to be genuine, and how you'd spent three hours making a perfect French dessert like your life depended on proving you weren't falling apart.

"We all did." Luigi reminds you, his voice gentle but firm. "Christ, we turned it into dinner theater. Remember how Anna did that dramatic interpretation of ' the unsettling collection'?" His hand finds your knee, squeezing. "And it was shit. Not only was it shit — it was cowardly. Didn't even have the spine to name you."

You tilt your head back, using the stars as gravity's help against the tears threatening to spill. The fairy lights from the wedding garden blur into little halos. "I know, but — these people, Lu." Your voice catches, and you hate how it betrays you. "They believe it. They're all walking around thinking I'm some unhinged artist who needs to be sedated and locked away from sharp objects." A laugh escapes, but it's wet and hollow. "God, I wish I'd understood what that article would do. I wish-"

But there's no point in wishing.

The damage was done with surgical precision.

They hadn't needed to use your name — everyone knew exactly whose exhibition had opened at Maxwell Gallery on August fifteenth.

Yours.

•

The hotel room feels smaller with each passing hour.

You've mastered a careful choreography — sliding past each other in the narrow spaces, maintaining precise distances on the king bed as you both pretend to watch some mindless cooking show. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, you slip. His hand brushes yours as you both reach for the room service menu, your feet touch under the shared blanket; each accidental contact sends you recoiling like a startled cat, though you used to fall asleep during movie nights without a second thought.

When your knee accidentally bumps his as you shift position, you jerk away so violently you nearly fall off the bed.

"Okay." Luigi mutes the TV, turning to face you. "We need to talk about this."

"About what?" But you know exactly what, can feel heat creeping up your neck and it makes you want to run.

"About how we used to share my twin bed during college when you crashed at my place, but now you act like my skin is fucking toxic." His voice is gentle, but there's an undercurrent of hurt that makes your core ache. "Remember that road trip to Detroit? You slept on my chest the whole way back because the car heater was broken.“ he looks desperate, grasping at the last straws of you. “I feel like we hardly look each other in the eyes now.”

You stare hard at the geometric pattern on the duvet, picking at a loose thread. "Things were different then."

"Were they?" He shifts closer, and you fight the urge to move away. "Or are you just scared they weren't?"

You get up abruptly, needing to put physical space between you and that question, the Chicago night spreading out beyond the window, a constellation of lights blurring through unshed tears; each one feels like a witness to this moment, to your cowardice.

"You know what changed," you say finally, arms crossed tight against your chest like armor. "After Maxwell, after the article, after everything became public consumption — I can't be that person anymore.”

"Why not?" His voice is closer now — he's moved to the edge of the bed, but he doesn't approach further. Giving you space while refusing to let you run.

Very classic Luigi.

A laugh escapes you, bitter and dry. "Because now everyone's watching. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. And you-“ You turn just enough to catch his reflection in the window, superimposed over the city lights. "You're too important to me, Lu.”

"So you'd rather just — what? Keep pretending?" There's frustration in his voice now, raw and real. "We both know that's not sustainable. Not when we used to-“ He trails off, and you recall the many countless nights on his cramped couch, your head on his chest, his heartbeat your lullaby to the most restful sleep you’d ever known.

"Maybe not," you admit quietly. "But it's safer than the alternative."

"Safer for who?"

The question almost knocks you off your feet.

Because he's right — this careful distance isn't protecting him. It's protecting you. From vulnerability. From the possibility of loss. From the terrifying reality that despite everything, despite all your jagged edges and dark corners, he's still here.

Still looking at you like you're something precious instead of precarious.

The silence stretches between you, heavy with all the things you're afraid to say, all the ways you're afraid to need him, and even more terrified of the way he needs you.

Eventually, you turn from the window, facing him. "It can't be simple. I won't let it be." Your voice catches. "I push and I pull and I keep everyone at arm's length until they prove me right by leaving."

Luigi stands slowly, like he's approaching a wild animal. "You've been trying so hard to make it impossible," he says softly. "Creating distance, convincing yourself I'll give up." He takes another step closer. "But loving you has always been the easiest thing I've ever done."

"Don't." The word comes out choked, your hand pressing against his chest in hopes that he’ll back away. "Don't say that when you know how complicated — how- how difficult-"

"Difficult?" He's close enough now that you can see the flecks of gold in his eyes, stood firm but not inching any closer. "You want to talk about difficult? Try watching you date other people. Try sitting across from you at coffee shops for years and watching you cry over them. Try fucking loving you quietly through every gallery opening, every crisis,“ his brows furrow, his nostrils flare, “you don’t get to tell me what loving you is like.”

Your breath catches as he reaches for you.

"You think you're pushing me away?" His voice is barely above a whisper, his hands finally cradling your face, tears dampening your cheeks that blaze with warmth. "I've been yours since that first night you fell asleep on my shoulder during finals week. Everything since then — it's just been waiting."

You clench your jaw, your heart a wild thing against your ribs. This tightrope you and Luigi have been walking for years — this delicate balance of almost-but-not-quite, of maybe-someday-but-not-now — has finally frayed beneath your feet. All those careful steps, those perfectly maintained distances, those nights of pretending your skin didn't burn where he almost touched you.

They’ve led you here, to this hotel room in Chicago, where the fantasy of staying safely suspended between friendship and something more has finally given way to gravity.

And what, you wonder, has Luigi seen in you to make him want to dive deeper into your chaos?

He's already witnessed the 3 AM phone calls when your mind won't quiet, the obsessive cleaning episodes that leave your hands raw and your apartment sterile. He's held you through the tears that come without warning, weathered the anger that burns hot and fast like summer lightning.

You're no manic pixie dream girl — you're the real thing, messy and unpredictable, with a heart that bleeds all over everything it touches.

He's either a storm chaser or a fool, you think.

Some hopeless beast tamer who hasn't realized that some creatures aren't meant to be gentled, that some storms leave nothing but wreckage in their wake.

But that's the thing — to Luigi, you've never been a storm to weather or a beast to tame. He doesn't look at you like you're broken machinery in need of repair, doesn't treat your edges like something to be smoothed away.

Instead, he's spent years matching your pace, stepping back when you needed space, stepping forward when you needed anchor. And now, finally, the weight of all that careful patience has brought him here — raw and honest in this dim hotel room, asking you to either meet him in this space between what you are and what you could be, or lay him to rest.

"Touch me," he says, the words falling soft but heavy in the space between you. His eyes hold yours, steady and sure, "Or let me go.”

The city lights paint his silhouette in gold and shadow, and you realize you've never seen him look so vulnerable, so stripped of the careful composure he always maintains. Your Luigi laid bare — not the patient friend, not the steady shoulder, but a man who's finally reached the end of his endurance.

"What if we break?" The question slips from your lips, small and honest, carrying all the weight of your fears that kept you at such a distance all these years — shattering to pieces, left broken by the man you’d loved the most.

Luigi's eyes soften, and something like a smile — sad and sweet and knowing — tugs at the corner of his lips. "Then we break," he says simply, his thumbs swiping away the tears that slide down your cheeks. "But I'd rather that than spend the rest of my life whole and wondering."

His hands haven’t moved. Patient, steady Luigi, who has never pushed but never fully retreated, either. Who has somehow found this perfect middle ground between staying and going, between asking and waiting.

And maybe that's what finally does it — the realization that he's offering you both beginning and end in the same breath. That he's standing here saying yes to all of it; the possibility of breaking, of shattering, of ending up with nothing but deadly carnage between you.

That he knows exactly what he's asking for, and he's asking anyway.

Your hand moves before you can think yourself out of it again, crossing the space between you like a prayer finally answered. When you cup his face, the scrape of stubble against your palm is both foreign and achingly familiar — like a song you used to know by heart, now half-remembered.

His eyes flutter closed at your touch, and you feel the slight tremor in his jaw, the way he leans into your hand like he's been starving for it.

His breath catches, shaky and soft, and when he speaks, his voice is rough with emotion. "There you are," he whispers against your palm, like he's greeting someone long lost, like you've finally come home after years away. "There you are."

His lips brush your palm once more before he lifts his gaze to yours, eyes dark with something between hope and heartache. "Tell me to pull away," he whispers, voice rough. "Tell me this isn't what you want, and I'll go. I'll understand."

But his body betrays him — the slight tremor still present in his jaw under your touch, the way he's still leaning into your hand like he can't help himself. He's offering you an exit, even now. Steady, selfless Luigi, always making sure you have a way out, even when it's killing him to do so.

And that's what breaks you finally — not his touch or his words, but this endless capacity of his to put your needs first.

To stand here offering everything he has left and the chance to walk away from it.

His hand finds your waist, fingers pressing into soft flesh with just enough pressure to make your breath hitch. That small sound seems to undo something in him — his control fractures, and suddenly he's pulling you down to him with a urgency that matches your own, your hands bracing against his chest, feeling the thundering of his heart beneath your palms.

"I've thought about this," he confesses roughly, eyes locked on yours with an intensity that makes heat pool low in your stomach, his thumb tracing a burning path along your hip bone. "Having you like this.”

You can feel the tension coiled in him, the way he's still holding back despite everything. Even now, he's giving you the chance to set the pace, to decide how far this goes. But you're done with hesitation, done with the careful distance you've maintained for so long.

You lean down, letting your lips brush against his ear. "Show me," you whisper, and feel him shudder beneath you. "Show me how you wanted me."

He moves with a swiftness that steals your breath, flipping your positions in one fluid motion. Now he's the one hovering above you, his forearm braced beside your head, other hand still at your waist.

The weight of him, the heat of him so close — it makes your head spin.

"Like this," he breathes, pressing his forehead to yours. "Just like this." He holds you like you’ll run from him — just like he’s watched you run from everything before that doesn’t run from you first.

Your hands find their way to his shoulders, feeling the tension there, the way he's trembling slightly despite his strength. "I'm here," you whisper back, one hand sliding up to cup his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."

#yuhhhhhh!!!#req #a quick one #just a lil quick 5k nbd #luigi mangione x reader #luigi mangione fanfic

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thebibliosphere · 2 years ago

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Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

#chronic health tag #adult adhd #adhd

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twopoppies · 2 months ago

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Gina, I want to tell you I have been reading your blog for a couple years now. I’ve never sent an ask to anyone. I first came into the fandom when I watched Harrychella and I thought hmm this man isn’t just flagging he is screaming at the top of his lungs. Then I watched the Cosmic Leeds videos and I fell down a rabbit hole. I am not someone who believes “conspiracy theories”. I am however old enough to know closeting has been proven to exist in the entertainment industry. I’m also from a rural area of the U.S. where homophobia is the norm, so unfortunately I had no trouble believing closeting still exists. I went into full information gathering mode about Larry Stylinson, but it was more than that too. I fell in love with 1D and all the boys’ solo work, especially Louis. I loved his voice, his songwriting, and his ‘real’ personality (when he allowed it to shine through all the media training). I read through every tumblr I could, you and Daisie provided a wealth of information that can not be ignored. I feel certain that Larry was real and I hope they are still together. I’m not one of those people who never doubted. It would be hard not to second guess things in this fandom with all the gaslighting that goes on. I write all of this to say that I’ve never felt so sad and like there is no hope for change as I do right now. It feels like Louis’ fandom is falling apart. There is so much division, hate, and intolerance of any idea that doesn’t conform to someone’s own. Louis pr strategy honestly baffles me. A divided fandom is so tiring. It seems less like pr and more like intentional sabatoge, which I guess it could be. I just don’t see any way out for him or Harry. I think Harry’s extended break is partly because of this too. I think he was overworked and emotionally drained for many reasons, but closeting most of all is exhausting. If I’m feeling this way as a fan I can’t imagine how they must be feeling. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I hope I am crazy and Larry was never real because the story is just too sad. Don’t even get me started on bbg because it is the shittiest situation ever. I think I need to take a step back from the fandom for a bit. But this brings me to my point. I’m pretty resilient, I can not be the only person feeling this way. It makes me so worried for Louis’ career and for both Louis and Harry’s mental health. I guess I don’t really have an ask. I just wanted to say thank you for all the information you have provided over the years. And, I needed to get this off my chest. If I posted this on twitter I would be roasted and I’m not strong enough for that right now. I meant it when I said I fell in love with their music, so I will continue to support all the boys. I’m hoping there is a master plan that will eventually set them free. But, I just keep coming back to the line

‘Said I had a plan for us Time had came and changed it all We had to disappear 'Cause nothing gets through here’

I will add one more thing. I believe there are more Larries than people think, but we are tired of the gaslighting and the hate, so many of us step back or hide. This is why the industry wins most of the time. 😥

Hi, sweetheart. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry it feels so overwhelming right now. I do think taking a step back is probably really healthy for most of us. I've actually never seen the fandom in such shambles.

I don't know what Louis' plan is in terms of his fandom or his future plans. But I have dozens and dozens of sad, confused, and angry messages in my inbox, and that fucking sucks. I really don't see a way forward at the moment. I will say, though, that some of the upset stems from some people's tendency to lean into worst-case scenarios and amplify their own worries by jumping to conclusions. Then there are the shit-stirrers who try to make things worse by sending in fake receipts or theories. It's hard to stay grounded when there's insanity whirling around you.

As for Harry and Louis, I do tend to believe they're still together. I don't think their relationship has been as easy as many of us would like to believe – I don't think it could be, given their ages when they met and the conditions they've had to live with. I do think they're soulmates... soulmates don't always end up together, but I tend to think these two will make it. I certainly hope they do.

Our fandom never does well when the boys aren't active. I think if you want to get your sanity back, now is as good a time as any.

#current thoughts on larry #fandom dynamics #twitter blocks #louis' career

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diaprincess-dl · 1 year ago

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First of all, thank you for who you are, and especially for choosing to share it with the world.

I am DL, with very few AB tendencies, if I understand correctly, you are also like that, with a connection to the DL world mainly.

There are very few women in the community in general, and in particular those who are DL. It's really refreshing to see that the first girl I notice that she's DL, she's also the most amazing beauty I've ever seen wearing diapers, and with a face that has real angelic cuteness.

I wanted to ask, and I would be very happy if you could answer, Even if not a complete answer, at least to know that you read and saw what I wrote, it will be very, very flattering to me.

When did you start wanting to wear a diaper? Is it sexual? If so, at what age did you realize it was related to sexual arousal? And if not, what in your soul makes you want this? At what age did you first put on diapers after initial weaning from diapers? And according to the fact that you had, from what I understand, late night wets, did your parents force you to wear a diaper? And when was the first time you put on a diaper in a section where it was clear to you that it was a so-called 'forbidden act'?

Sorry for the flood of questions.

I had a theory that was destroyed because of you, that these are only men can be a DL, because the sexual sensation associated with diapers somehow comes from stimulation and friction of the genital organ at a very young age in a diaper, which causes the brain to develop something very primitive to want a diaper, something that, technically, does not happen with women or should not happen for obvious reasons. And this is the reason that from the very, very basic tests I did, a lot of DL, these are children who were weaned at a relatively late age, 3, 4 and even 5. Then they develop the desire to wear a diaper, and at the age of 13 or so, it develops into something sexual. And that is why women are not DL, because the stimulation is supposed to be a lot more rarer.

One last thing I want to tell you is that the day I see a picture of you with a soaked diaper under your clothes, my day looks like rainbow.

Thank you so much for this!!!

Hiiyaaa ��👸🏼

Thank you for such a kind message 🤗 I am definitely more into the DL side of things, you are absolutely correct but I do love some aspects of the AB side, I just don’t tend to share them online as much.

So I just started kindof dabbling in the world of diapers a few years ago, but had been wetting my pants and bed (some accidents, some on purpose) for literal years before I discovered the idea of wearing diapers… When I was a teen I went through phases where I would wet my bed like every night on purpose and then try to hide the evidence in the morning from my parents 🤦🏼‍♀️ they mentioned things a couple of times, but nowhere near the amount I was actually wetting the bed… they probably knew though lol.. l I definitely have a watersports kink, absolutely 🙊. Anyway I felt so silly for not thinking about the idea of using diapers sooner but diapers just never occurred to me lol. A few years back I saw my first porn video with another girl in a diaper and I was just in awe and had to try it myself 🤭.

Slowly I started to indulge more and more into blogs and personal ab/dl blogs to the point that I just kindof gradually mentally got myself in a space where I thought that I could try wearing diapers more often, which started off as just at night (when I was 26 to answer one of your questions)…. But somewhere in this phase I realized the convenience aspect of wearing 👀.. I could actually go through a full night in bed without having to get up to pee, so what started as a kink lead to discovering more than just that. I started wearing diapers all night, every night and just got used to waking up and wetting them, but this slowly, and I do mean slowly, about a year of wearing every night, turned into me starting to barely remember waking up to wet and eventually just flat out not remembering/not waking up and wetting myself most nights of the week. This was kindof scary but also turned me on? 🤷🏼‍♀️🤭 sooo I just kept doing it.

Here’s where the “convenience” aspect let me start wearing during the day: long road trips or long days out with my partner meant there was no real good spots to stop for the restroom all of the time. Things like concerts or big gatherings where there is drinking and long lines for the ladies room… I started wearing diapers to some of these things, not much as first but when I’d go back to not being diapered and have to suffer waiting in line, or waiting for a pit stop.. it was those moments that I seriously realized how much better it was being padded 💡 It was a little scary at first wearing diapers in public, especially wetting them.. also especially because I typically wear leggings or short dresses, so there is always some way that it can be seen. I’ve slowly just started to realize most people don’t care what you’re wearing for underwear, especially strangers. Friends on the other hand… 😬🫠 I know that some of my friends have noticed my diapers. I’ve had friends over for wine nights and forgot (on multiple occasions) to throw away my night time diapey and it was folded up on the bathroom floor and two of my friends went in there before I had went in and noticed. I’ve had a leak while waiting for a cab with my other friend and it was just us waiting outside in the quiet and I know she could hear the leaking onto the pavement. I also have multiple pictures on here of a diaper(s) I was wearing for while we were all hanging out…. So like all that and many other random occasions I’m sure lots of my friends know I wear diapers, I’m just waiting for someone to say something 🙊🙊 but part of me knowing they know, secretly turns me on? I’m super weird 🫠

So anyway since I knew there was a really big and accepting community out there for this, I finally got the courage to make a blog on Tumblr. It actually just started out as a personal blog for myself to be honest. Just a place where I could document my progress and share this side of me, for pictures I could go back and look at… I had no idea it would blow up like this. 😳 but I am extremely grateful and happy about it 💕💕

I wear diapers all of the time now, and am 100% nighttime bladder incontinent, and daytime at this point of a year wearing diapers 24/7 and NEVER trying to hold it….. I’m like basically there for daytime incontinence. 2 years ago I could totally hold it for hours like any other girl, but now I legitimately need diapers to keep me ‘dry’. I did it all to myself and part of me can’t believe it, but most of me is really happy I did it to myself 💕

#diaperdependent #diaper dependent #ab/dl #ab/dl community #ab/dl lifestyle #ab/dl babygirl #ab/dl diaper

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nicromancytarot · 1 year ago

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HOW I GOT STARTED IN TAROT AND MY TIPS FOR ANY OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO IT!!!

I love to offer advice if you can’t already tell, and I also love tarot, so let’s talk about things that I have learnt from my journey as a tarot reader.

My journey

I started tarot at 14 years old while living with a family member who was shut off to the idea of spirituality, as it had hindered the life of my own mother, and caused her mental health issues in the past.

I decided to go against their requests and start practicing in secret, I didn’t have my own income so I wasn’t able to buy my own deck, instead I decided to make one. (Tarot is a tool, you don’t need “actual” tarot cards to be able to read.)

I used old train tickets that I had since I would take a couple of trains 5 days a week, which would give me 1, if not 2 tickets per day.

I was mainly focused on love, so I created little tarot cards with small details about love on them, and I would use these on my friends just for a bit of fun.

Eventually these got taken away from me, so just after my 16th birthday, after not doing tarot for around 3 months at that time, I decided to buy my first tarot deck as I was now living back with my mother, and although she was sceptical about the idea, she allowed me to have my first deck and supported my journey as I dove deeper into divination.

I practiced every so often, one time I had a crush on this guy and I wanted to know how he felt about me, every spread I got for him would give me the 4 of cups… yeah, I used to think that meant he was just a little demotivated, until I realised like a year later that it meant he was absolutely not interested in me, lmao!

But this is good, learning always comes with mistakes, so do not let that discourage you.

My decks

- the Rider-Waite tarot (my main deck)

- Spirit song tarot (my favourite deck)

- (I had a purple one that I spiritually didn’t need, so it went missing and never returned like a week after I got it)

- Ethereal visions tarot

- The nightmare before christmas tarot

- Angels of abundance oracle

- Casanova tarot (for 18+)

I also use little pieces of paper that I wrote 18+ stuff on, which I now use for any explicit readings to highlight the things someone would do to my collective sexually!

Having multiple decks

I personally love having this many decks, and I 100% will be getting more, as soon as I’ve finished learning the meanings of some of the casanova tarot!

Tarot is a tool, sometimes I read explicit stuff off my main deck, and I still get very accurate messages using that, you do not need to splash out on extra decks to try and read one specific theme.

I enjoy having multiple decks as they’re all just so beautiful, and I feel blessed to be able to have them.

Having one of my decks fall off the face of the earth a year and a half ago, proved to me that I needed to really make sure that I wanted a deck and felt connected to it before buying. This deck itself was 1 actually instinctively didn’t want to buy, but went back to get for other reasons.

So don’t impulsively buy, if it’s meant for you, you’ll know.

How I do my readings

If I decide that I need to cleanse my own energy, I will do a 15-30 minute meditation, but I normally only feel called to do so when I’m doing a really intense reading that I feel I need to protect my energy from.

I start off with a simple affirmation, welcome my spirits to help guide me through the session.

“I am calling upon my ancestors and spirit guides to make sure I am protected during this reading, and that I get the most accurate and concise messages.”

Then I knock on the deck twice before doing 1 shuffle thrice, knocking twice and doing the final shuffle thrice, knocking twice.

That is my own personal way of cleansing my deck after other energies have been channelled through it. I let my decks rest with some crystals every night, and they see the moon when it’s full for an extra cleanse.

I personally find the knocking to be very simple and cleansing for my cards, and it has proved well.

After I’m done cleaning, I ask my spirits the question out loud, and then I knock twice before shuffling to get the spread.

I only take 1-2 cards at a time, if there’s more, I put them back and start shuffling again.

If no cards fall after a while, I do a final shuffle and pull from the top.

The spread varies for every reading, normally I pull around 15 cards from my main deck, and then I pull an animal from the Spirit song tarot deck, and sometimes around 12 from another deck if there’s anymore questions needing to be answered.

When reading for other people, I personally only pull upright, unless we’re doing yes or no questions (which I do upright for yes and reverse for no), I’m not a fan for reverses, although I’ve started off with them, I just find it easier to do only uprights.

I pull reverses for educational purposes when I do my own readings, that way I can make sure I learn them more than I already do, and so I can get quicker with identifying them.

As of the beginning of April 2024 I started a new spread, this is my new favourite one for mainly advice readings or something to do with the future.

I like to grab 16 cards, you can take 15, but 16 is my personal number, then I line all the cards up into 3 groups, until I pin the negative cards, this is just something I do instinctively (doesn’t have to be death, tower etc, it could literally be the 2 of cups which seems negative in the reading), on the left I set up the negative ones, and then I add a present feeling or reaction card to do with these negative things, then between the negative and feelings, I put a card to describe why the person feels like that. Then for the rest I basically branch down like the roots of a tree, it’s very sporadic and random, but it creates a story, whichever card is next to another relates to the situation, thoughts and feelings of those cards, then when you get to the right bottom side, you end up with the future energy.

LEFT —> past MIDDLE —> present RIGHT —> future

Random things that I believe in

- The star and the 4 of cups are connected, the 4 of cups represents being fussy and ungrateful, and in the the Rider-Waite tarot, the illustrations are all connected, the star happens in front of the tree which is where the 4 of cups is set, so I like to think that the star is letting go of fussiness and allowing yourself to be free.

- Death and moon are connected, death tends to talk about something you need to let go of, and you already intuitively know about it. This is since death happens in front of the moon.

- The temperance happens in front of the tower, so when you pull the temperance, it means to make a decision before the universe makes it for you, bringing you a tower moment. A good example for this is pulling it in a “how does he feel about me” reading, if you get the tower during this, I would say he feels like you’re his last option, like a plan B if his A falls through. (People hate when I tell them that.)

- The queen of cups represents stability, this is since in the the Rider-Waite tarot, she’s chilling on her throne on a small island, meanwhile the king of cups is floating in the water, showing to me that he’s just going with the flow (weirdly, when I see the king of cups, I associate him with Aquarius energy.)

- The empress is all about loud and proud energy, she’s totally the one to boast about her achievements and what she’s working on, knowing that she will succeed. The emperor is the opposite, he works in silence, he only tells everyone about his newest achievements after he’s sure about them, he likes for people to be in surprise over his success.

- If I pull some cards to check energy for the reading, and the emperor upright, or the empress in reverse comes out, probably means the person I’m reading for isn’t ready to hear this message. This is because the emperor is physical (3D) realm energy, meanwhile the empress is spiritual (4D) energy, this is because spirituality is feminine energy, if you take part in spirituality, you are tapping into your devine feminine.

- The knight of wands represents exes. The night is going to the left (the past), the wand represents fire, fiery passion/fiery ending.

Does this mean my spread may be explained differently if the illustrations are different?

In short, yes. I love symbolism with my whole heart, so when I can make something symbolic out of the illustrations on the deck to describe a reading, I absolutely will.

What does channelling and visualising look like for me?

On a good day, I’ll hear another voice that sound identical to my little internal narrator inside my head, this can be identified as my spirit guides. They will use this to tell me things I need to know, but clairvoyance isn’t really my strongest, so normally I just hear the word “catapult” over and over again, since my main spirit guide seems to love that word.

I honestly channel the most through writing, it’s like I gain so much more information when I start writing down readings, whether it’s in my notes, on tumblr, or in a notepad.

Visualising is interesting, again back with the symbolism, it comes to me in a little story for me to unfold and find a moral of, it’s very time consuming, and I often get confused and think I’m insane, so I’ll pull some cards on it just to be sure I have the story right.

Important notes

- communicate to your spirit guides, I like to tell them exactly how the reading is going to go, just so they understand the format and what, I am looking for.

- Don’t do readings when you don’t feel like you should, if you’re mentally not doing ok, don’t feel bad if you need to step back and away from it, forcing yourself will just give you confusing readings.

- Your spirits hide answers from you, one time I asked my spirit guides how life works, and they refused to tell me (and then had a silly moment and told me like 3 months later for whatever reason.)

- This is not future telling, I cannot tell you what your future will be like, but I can tell you what it might be like if you make certain decisions.

- Don’t use tarot to intrude on someone’s personal life, like no sex readings on your ex for the love of God.

- If a reading doesn’t resonate with you, remember what it said and then come back to it to see if it does now, an example of this was when someone gave me a past life reading that didn’t match up until I reversed it and realised that I was the second person in the reading, rather than the main.

- Have fun with readings, it shouldn’t feel like a chore.

- Allow yourself to make mistakes, that’s the only way you will improve.

- Be patient, don’t think you will know everything about tarot after like 1 week of learning it.

- There’s always more to learn when it comes to tarot, you will never have enough knowledge.

- You can buy yourself decks, even your first one. You don’t need to have another person buy it for you.

I hope you enjoyed this! It took me an hour to write up lmao, but I had fun.

#pick a card #tarot #tarot reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #free tarot #tarot witch #daily tarot #pick a pile #tarot cards

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lullabyalikpoptarot · 5 months ago

Text

Stray Kids Thoughts on Being an Idol

I decided to just go ahead and do this one this weekend. I was planning to do their Boyfriend reading, but I will leave that for next week. I was interested in what they wanted to share for this series of readings.

Bang Chan

What he likes? (9 of Swords) Dude what is this? Seriously why do some of them give me these cards for likes? Okay, I think I get it, he likes helping others through their pain and struggle. He may like discussing these topics of struggle, idk through music or some other outlet to fans. It is like he wants to help those who are struggling mentally. That is kind of cute honestly.

What he does not like? (Ace of Wands) This darn card keeps popping up. A lack of creative freedom, an inability to allow his creativity to grow. I kind of felt he had that though, more so than other people in the industry. There may be some creative projects or pursuits he wants to do that gets shut down.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (6 of Pentacles rv) Unfair treatment, unfair deals, not getting paid his worth. Greedy people. Yup, that's it. I guess he understand the unfairness of it all. I am getting there is work he has done that he hasn't gotten paid for. Does he ghost write?, or got duped into doing that?, anyway, heard ghost writing, so whatever that means. This card is giving me he did work and didn't get paid for it, keeping it real with the messages I am getting. That is kinda crazy if this did happen.

Thoughts on fans? (The Hermit) I had to laugh when I saw this. Umm, he may see them as loners, but I am also getting he may think they need to work on themselves and get to know themselves more, to spend more times with themselves. I don't see this as a diss, but like he generally wants them to work on themselves in kind of a loving way.

Lee Know

What he likes? (Queen of Swords) I am getting rational, smart individuals. People who use their head, rather than their heart. This message is so random wtf Bright minds, no nonsense people. People who are willing to communicate. How this makes no sense. He is just saying characteristics. I swear his energy is messing with me lol, like this makes no sense. He's just throwing out words, but why is this a like for him. This is what you like most!?, maybe he is tired of dramatic people in the industry, whining, crying, maybe that is what he is trying to say. People who are logical and keep their cool is what he likes. Okay, weird like to mention.

What he does not like? (Ace of Swords) This is weird, people who don't formulate a plan. People who have ideas, but don't fall through on it fully. So, maybe higher ups in the company bring up an idea, but eventually don't fall through on this, and this may piss him off. I just get a lot of fall throughs.

What he has learned from the past/experienced? (10 of Swords) Well, this makes sense, devastation, turmoil. Back stabbing. Betrayal. A dark looming cloud. I feel something devastating happened in the past for him, not sure what that is though.

Thoughts on fans? (Knight of Wands) He thinks the fans are creative, passionate, desirable (yeah heard that), highly driven. They can be a bit overzealous. Forgot what that word meant, but yeah. He sees them on a mission. A very determined bunch. They can be all over the place as well. Also, very energetic as well.

Changbin

What he likes? (10 of Cups) The close connections. All the love he gets. The tight community. A sense of home and belonging he feels. It is like he is happy to be part of a tight community. Okay, I am getting the word commodity again, which is the exchange of goods, so there is something with family/happy endings and the exchange of goods that I don't fully understand, Yunho had this too for his reading, but I don't understand the full scope of this meaning. I just channel messages. I can't really understand all the messages that come through. Hopefully when I do a part 2 to this, it comes up in a clearer way.

What he doesn't like? (8 of Wands) A lot of things that come at him all at once. Having too many activities. Things being messy and all over the place. It seems he doesn't like having to do too much. He may likes to do things one at a time. He may also not like having to travel everywhere so much as well. Going from one place to another.

What he has learned/experienced in the past? (7 of Cups) That all his dreams and fantasies may not always come true. I kind of don't like this message, but to learn to escape, and to utilize his imagination. I feel this is some sort of coping strategy here.

Thoughts of Fans? (Page of Pentacles/Page of Swords) We got both pages here, so he may see them as immature, maybe a need for growth here. They can be shy, timid, and cautious, what?, I don't see their fans like this, what is this coming from? It is like they haven't gotten to their full potential. There is a fear to speak, defensiveness, how this makes no sense to me. Overly observant, they gather lots of information. Use the information against him, as an attack, what is this!? This is giving me they observe all he does, all the details to see if he slips up then uses that against him. I don't know what this is, or if any of this is right, but I always go with what I get. Sorry, this made me laugh, because of how wild that is. No wonder he gave me two cards here, it paints a picture.

Hyunjin

What he likes? (10 of Swords) Once again, wtf! I think he likes the ability to overcome the pain and hurt of defeat, like rising up, pretty similar to Seonghwa, but I don't know, his energy doesn't feel as Masochist as Seonghwa's. He just likes to rise up from the painful times. He hates the struggle and depressive times, but when he is able to overcome, he feels great about himself. That is a sense of achievement for him. I also get he just likes to rest and lie down after a stressful day, weird side message day. Like, when he is able to lay down and rest after a hard day is one of the best feelings for him. Kind of weird and specific there.

What he doesn't like? (King of Swords) Well, this energy is back again as a not like. He hates cold and callus individuals, stubborn, know it all's. People who hide the light from others, steal the shine, way too logical, lack feelings. Someone who believes it is their way, or no way.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (7 of Cups) This card again for this same question. He learned the value of imagination, now why that is important, ya'll tell me? There could be some escapism here, living in his imagination. I don't know, could be wrong here, tried to get another message, but all I got here. I don't like this message, so moving on.

Thoughts on fans? (The Hanged Man) Idk he is neutral, nonchalant when it comes to them at the moment, are they on a break right now? I am also getting his hands are tied, not much he can do, whatever that means. Maybe they help him see things in a different way or different perspective. Also, do they put him in awkward situations? Getting that too lol

Han

What he likes? (5 of Pentacles) He likes the struggle, coming from the ground up. He likes to be the outcaste in some sense. Maybe he likes making something from scraps wth this is weird too

What he does not like? (King of Pentacles) I heard an overindulgent man lol That is so random. Is this his CEO? lol Someone who has people cater to them, someone who wants others at their beck and call. Just overall selfish person. Okay, this one made me laugh. It just seemed so random to me. I feel this is about a particular person.

What he has learned from the past? (3 of Pentacles) To work with others, to work as a team. To collaborate with others. I am also getting, do what he is told, and listen to higher ups, so yeah, this kind of makes sense though, not really surprising.

Thoughts on fans? (Knight of Swords) He sees them as quick on their feet, very communicative, and chatty, talkative. No nonsense people. They are at their defense very quickly. They will cut you if you cross them, okay lol Funny message there. They also have lots of ideas as well. Hmm, getting gossip as well. He mays see they do that as well. Okay, he didn't say much.

Felix

What he likes? (The Hermit) The ability to discover himself and time to himself, to learn about who he is. This is what you like most though? Okay. I am also getting, lighting the way for others. There is a sense of wisdom he gains from this.

What he doesn't like? (Death) Another one with this card, I just hear endings, having to say goodbye to things. Mourning things. I am not sure what this means though. There is like an ending that really impacted him in not a great way.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (5 of Pentacles) Abandonment, hardships, lack of money, all makes sense. Lack of resources, not having much at their disposal.

Thoughts on fans? (Justice) They seek redemption and justice. They are fair, can be logical. I say he is pretty fair minded and objective when it comes to them. A need to balance the scales of justice. Is there some fairness fans are seeking? I am confused. He isn't saying much on this topic, not much out of him here.

Seungmin

1.What he likes? (Justice) Fair treatment, equality, getting justice for what he deserves. Equilibrium. People who are rational and logical. He likes things being fair, now is this a wish or what?, or that is what it is like for him, hopefully that is how it is.

What he doesn't like? (2 of Swords) Opposing thoughts, close-minded people, people who don't see things clearly. Stubborn people. People who don't make decisions, indecisive. Interesting messages, seems specific lol Wishy washy people, people who can't decide things or don't really have an opinion. Also, people who stay neutral and don't pick sides.

What he has learned from the past/experienced? (Page of Pentacles) To cultivate his skills. To do his due diligence. To be patient and take his time. Practice makes perfect mindset. To work with what he has got. To focus on the task at hand, one step at a time. To hone or harvest his skills.

Thoughts on fans? (6 of Swords) He may have some difficult thoughts about them, may have some mental baggage when it comes to them, or he sees them as having a hard time and hard for them to move forward, but it seems things are moving in a positive direction on both their parts. It is like they are heading in a positive direction. The stormy waters will clear soon.

I.N

What he likes? (Ace of Wands) He likes the excitement and thrill. He enjoys new creative endeavors or projects. He may enjoy the new comebacks they do, that may be the most exciting thing for him, or the creative process of things. There is like a thrill and excitement to being an idol he likes. New starts I am getting as well. being an idol just fires him up and energizes him.

What he does not like? (The Empress) There could be a strong Mother energy, maybe overbearing energy around him. A bit of coddling energy. People who plant things, maybe feed him lies. It is like this person believes they created him, so they have a lot of say. Moving on, don't like this energy or vibe of this.

What has he learned from the past/experienced? (Knight of Cups) To offer his love to others, to show a softer side. To not use force, be gentle. Be kind to others. To give to others and show more compassion. To follow his heart and intuition more. Maybe he has learned to do this more from past experiences. I mean did he struggle to show more emotions? And now he is trying to be more open?

Thoughts on fans? (The World) They complete him in a sense. He enjoys traveling to meet them. He feels successful because of them. They basically complete a cycle for them. He is also pretty happy to be known or have fans across the globe.

Okay, some interesting messages that came through, but overall, not as wild as the others, but did get some tea though, which is cool. I am not sure if things are a bit more chill with them, or they don't share as much as the other groups.

Just letting you know the energy is always changing, so their thoughts on fans are not set, just the energy at the moment. So, if the energy seems a bit cold, don't mean they don't love ya'll. I am only pulling one card here, so that doesn't say much about all their thoughts on fans. I felt I should have mentioned this in the other ones too, but saying it for these.

#kpop tarot #stray kids tarot

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 9 months ago

Note

AITA/WIBTA for checking up on my abusive ex's current partner?

Everyone involved here is in our mid 20s and knew each other in real life.

🎑🎑🎑

I recently broke up with and then cut off my ex, for a whole realm of reasons that I won't get graphic about, including but not limited to emotional manipulation, borderline assault, faking a medical scare, threats against my life, endangerment, stalking, etc. The relationship was quite honestly pretty traumatic and it put me in a bad mental place that I'm only just now, months later, starting to crawl back out of with the help of therapy and a good support network. My Ex had another partner, who would really go to the ends of the Earth to defend my Ex. They were together for far longer than me and my ex (a few years or longer), and the two of them live together. When I was dating my ex, I got the vibe that the two of them were on shaky ground, but I had mostly chalked that up to me being in the picture and causing some tension, because they had apparently never fought and had been together for a long time beforehand. My Ex would also try to subtly pit the two of us against each other a lot, and as a result we weren't really friends, and any time the two of us would voice similar concerns my Ex would make a big deal about us "ganging up" on them, so we typically didn't talk about our dirty laundry with each other. When me and my Ex parted ways, even before we cut each other off completely, said partner blocked me completely and made it very clear that I was not to ever contact them, and I likewise blocked them. Looking back on shit, I feel really bad about how I treated my Ex's partner. For a while I continued to receive messages from them (from sockpuppet accounts, but I knew it to be them) defending my Ex after I cut them both off, but these messages always felt a little off, like they were defending my Ex to themselves more than they were to me. Eventually I caved and figured that if they were content violating my boundaries to check up on me and keep sending me messages, I was in my right to check up on them. So I did. Apparently my Ex and this partner are still going through a rough patch, because the partner has been posting a lot of personal accounts of abuse strikingly similar to what I went through, alongside what seems to be sexual coercion as well. I feel disgusted, and part of me wants to reach out, but part of me knows it wouldn't do any good right now because they're still very defensive of my Ex, and they kind of see me just as a blatant villain who just hates my Ex. But at this point, I know I'll probably keep checking in periodically, mostly because I feel guilty for how I treated this person and I also know that they have NO support network outside of their current (abusive) relationship. I also just wanna make sure this person doesn't off themselves or something, really, and I want to be prepared to jump in if I need to. I know this "isn't my problem" but I'm probably taking it upon myself anyway all things considered. So, with that said, does that make me the asshole? Am I being a piece of shit for checking this person's socials after they blocked me, even though they did the same to me? etc.

#aita #am i the asshole

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night-market-if · 5 months ago

Note

Hello Zinnia, I'll make this quick since I myself am not in what one could call a "good mood" but I saw your post regarding people complaining about your story. Believe me when I say I know _very_ well the types of entitlement crying that goes around since I am also a writer. But listen to me when I say(or I suppose, read since you aren't using a screen-reader?) fuck them. TNM is your story, write it how *you* want to. People don't like it? Find something else to read. K bye & I love Belladonna!

I'm getting there. I really am. And normally, I am like that as well. Cancer has unfortunately taken its toll on my mental health. No, I do not have it. A family member does. And I think my mental fortitude against harsh words maybe isn't as strong as it used to be. And that's okay. I'll get back to looking at those kinds of messages eventually and rolling my eyes at them. Right now, it's just made me not want to write. But I am actively trying to work through it by writing things for myself first. And hopefully that works.

But yes. Fuck them is the attitude I want to get back to.

Thank you so much for sending me these words. It made me smile.

#the night market #interactive fiction

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mothertoall2 · 6 months ago

Text

Loose Threads (Marvel AU)

Chapter 1: Perfect Life

Description: In a marvel alternate universe Vision was killed during the Thanos battle leaving a grieving pregnant Wanda. (Natasha survived, and also Reader is an Avenger) Reader was there to help Wanda through it and raised the twins, and eventually married Wanda. Twelve years after the battle Tony found a way to bring back those who were lost. What will happen when Wanda is stuck between Reader and Vision? And what about Readers best friend who has strong opinions about Wanda?

Warnings: None

Y/n's POV

I am awoken from my slumber by feeling of someone moving my hair out of my face. I open my eyes to see the one person I've grown to love the most. I smile at her to receive a smile in return. "Good morning lovey." Her voice is laced with a hint of her Sokovian accent. "Good morning miss Y/l/n." She gives me a small kiss but I lean up to kiss her a few more times before full sitting up.

"So how long do you think we have this time?" She asks moving to lay in my lap. "Hmmm I'd give it two minutes." She shakes her head and looks at her phone. "Not that soon, give it at least six." I smile at her as she moves my hand to her hair and I start scratching her head softly. "I'll bet you dinner and dishes tonight that it'll be two." We shake on it and check the time, it's 7:18. I grab my phone from the night stand and check my notifications, I don't see a reply from Natasha which is strange cause she read my message but before I can start thinking anymore into it i hear footsteps running into the room.

The door crashes open and in come the two 3 year olds. Wanda sits up as they jump onto the bed and I lay down to pretend to be asleep. "Good morning my loves!" Wanda greets them but they jump straight over to me and shake me. "O'pa wake up it's morning!" Tommy says loudly and Billy starts to jump on the bed next to me.

"Moooooom make O'pa wake up!" Tommy pouts at Wanda as she rolls her eyes. I sit up quickly and grab the twins in my arms and start tickling them. They start screaming and giggling trying to get me to let go. Once they escape they run to hide behind Wanda who just smiles. "Hide us mama O'pa is meeeean!" Billy whines while Tommy sticks his tongue out at me. "So who won miss protector?" Wanda shakes her head and mouths some profanity at me while I laugh and stand up.

Before I can walk away Tommy jumps into my arms and Billy jumps onto my back. "TRAIN RIDE!!" They both shout and I start making train sounds as I swerve them back and forth all the way down the stairs and to the kitchen. I place Billy in his chair and Tommy in his and scoot them both in. "Alright what do the little cuties want for breakfast we have Pancakes, Waffles, Toast, and eggs?" I ask them as I digit with the wedding band on my finger.

"PANCAKES!" They shout together and I can't help but grin at their antics. I really do love these kids so much, I feel like a parent to them since I've practically raised them since they were born. I have always been here when Wanda needed a break or a mental day or when she had missions. That's why I'm their O'pa and I'm so so proud to be. "Pancakes it is, now go play while I get them ready." They run off smiling and giggling to the living room. I start grabbing the flour, eggs, milk, and everything else I need the pancakes. As I'm mixing all my ingredients I feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist. I immediately smile and place my hands on hers as I lean back into her hold. "Hello my love." She whispers into my neck which tickles a little, I turn to face her and wrap my arms around her neck.

I kiss her softly and lean back in to kiss her again until I am repeatedly kissing her. She laughs and hides her face in my neck leaving soft kisses there. I will never get tired of holding her in my arms, these mornings mean everything to me. Her kisses get longer and a bit sloppier as things turn a bit spicy. I felt her start to leave a hickey so I pull away and smack her shoulder softly. "Babe you can't do that the kids are in the other room!" She groans and puts her head on my chest and speaks. "I can't help that you look attractive doing everything, besides it's only a tiny mark, what's the harm?" I shake my head at head at her and go back to cooking.

After breakfast I go upstairs to shower and get ready while Wanda gets the boys dressed. I styled my hair and put on some baggy jeans with a Scooby Doo shirt. Once I'm ready with my sneakers I go out to get the stuff we need from the store for a surprise for the boys. I get home and the boys are playing while Wanda is filing mission reports on the couch. I walk up behind her to give her a kiss on the cheek and cross my arms over her chest. "Hello my dearest wife!"

"Hi baby, did you get the stuff?" I nod my head and walk over to the boys and sit in front of them. "Hi O'pa wanna play?" Billy holds out one of the figures to me. "I would love to buddy but actually me and mom have a surprise for you boys." The boys jump up and start shouting out questions on what the surprise is before Wanda gets them to settle down. "Do you remember how you have been begging us to get you a pet?" They both start screaming and jumping which forces Wanda to once again calm them. "Do you guys want to see what it is?" She asks them and they nod quickly.

I grab their hands and bring them over to the dining room table that held two circular cages, sand and rocks, small bowls, hermit crab food, paint, two shells, and paint. The boys go running to the chairs and look into the box at the creatures that immediately retreat back into their shells. "We are going to paint their shells for when they grow out of the small ones." Tommy reaches in and picks one up and tries to look inside at the hermit crab. "There is brushes and paint here and make sure you paint over the newspaper please boys." Wanda instructs while we sit on either side of the boys. They start squeezing out paint to start on the shells.

Sometime about half an hour later Wanda's phone rings and she steps out to take the call while Billy informs me that he will name his hermit crab shelly. When she steps back in she seems worried. I stand up and bring her over to the living room. "Is everything okay?" I ask her and she shrugs. "I'm not sure, all Tony says is that he needs us in the lab now." Fear starts to rise in me as my mind starts searching for possible explanations. "Okay um I'm sure it's fine, I'll call Yelena and Kate to come watch the kids." She nods and hugs me, I kiss her on the forehead and hug her tight. Everything is fine, it has to be.

A/n- Hi, my apologies it's been a while I promise frequent updates soon, but here it is, I hope you enjoyed it.

#wanda x reader #wanda maximoff #wanda x vision #fluff #angst #heartbreak #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff #marvel #marvel au #gn reader

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mingos · 5 months ago

Text

*crawls out of the ground like a mole, coughing up copious amounts of dirt*

so, hello.

i try to keep things as vague & light as possible when referencing my homelife because, honestly, the last time i brought up anything tangentially related i was essentially told “you being upset is making other people upset and ruining the fun” so being anything other than ✨chaotic positivity gremlin wilder ✨ here makes me paranoid, hence why i’ll just disappear for weeks sometimes.

but.

i’ve clearly been gone for a bit, will probably be gone for a bit longer, and since i’ve been getting messages from folks wanting to check in on me i wanna give a more detailed update than usual. i feel guilty for not responding directly, but for reasons i can’t get detailed on other than “the idea of having a conversation with 99.9% of people right now is terrifying” (is this what being nonverbal is, chat?) with even the .1% being a super recent development, a queue post into the void is my solution.

i won’t get that detailed, but if light references to domestic abuse, addiction, or just family issues in general are hard subjects for you - nothing past this paragraph is too pertinent anyway, so don’t worry about having to stop. all you gotta know is that some Bad Stuff with family happened, but i’m safe & i’ll be back in maybe another week or something.

anyways. i was living out of hotels for about 3 weeks.

more like 16-17 days if you want to get technical because 4 of those days i had an actual scheduled hotel for my twin’s wedding at the end of august - but i’ve basically been bouncing around since august 21st. the night of the 20th, i had a horrific fight with my family member and, for the first time ever, i left. don’t know if would call it brave on my part - since we were leaving for a trip anyway, this is just the first time my suitcase was already packed.

right now, i’ve been at another relative’s house since the 11th. i tried to go back on the 1st because, even after years of this, i’m apparently way too easy to convince everything is going to be fine… but by the 2nd i was out of there again.

currently mulling over my next move here because, as much as the common sense answer is to stay away, anybody who’s unfortunate enough to deal with this knows how complicated it is. i’m scared for this person’s safety as much as i am for my own. no one else really checks on them, and i’ve already had to deal with several medical emergencies they’ve had like bad falls & breathing problems. i don’t like leaving them alone for long because the guilt at the thought of something bad happening to them and no one knowing for possibly days or weeks eats me up.

i logically know i’ll have to get past that eventually because i can’t let my life be dictated by this incredibly toxic cycle forever or i’ll never be happy, but now isn’t the time. they also have a dog who would similarly be put at risk if something happened to them, so it’s a lot for me to worry about.

but, having said all that, we’re currently in the apology stage or i guess the negotiation stage because, after the shit that happened this time, i’m making it perfectly clear i’m not stepping foot in that house until they do something. detox, treatment, rehab, disulfiram, soberlink, therapy – something. we’re kind of running out of things for them to try at this point, but at least they used to try. they haven’t really been doing that this past year and I’m the one suffering the most because of it.

so yeah, that’s where things are at the moment. i’m mentally not doing so hot - but I’ve got my dog, and being able to sleep in a bed i’m familiar with for a change and not a hotel (I spent so much money on hotels, guys i’m cooked) is nice relief while I wait out whatever the hell is happening. talking to them over the phone again pretty much drains any of the energy I’ve got back, but it sounds like they’re starting to "get it' so hopefully they’ll start to take this seriously again because I can really only take one more year of this (if even) until I just need to accept these things aren’t my responsibility and move on.

honestly, having a close-knit group of friends/support system for the first time in years has really reminded me of that and given me the confidence to take a lot of steps to live for myself for a change, and to think about prioritizing my own happiness for once, which wasn’t the place i was in at this time last year, or the year before that, or the year before that - so I just want to say thank you again to anyone whose ever helped talk me through something or really just been nice to me at all. this is why i always remember to be kind because it can genuinely do a lot for someone going through something, because i know it has for me.

anyway uhhhhh i hope you are all doing well, and with any luck i’ll be chilling on here by the start of october. can’t miss spooky month and this insufferable pink bird’s birthday, after all.

much love.

#‘ 001. ’ (out of character)#❛ 'what am i going to queue with law'? ❜ (queue)

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hell-drabbles · 7 months ago

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Someone made a WHB au where if Solomon's descendant didn't need devils essence to survive but rather they could eat angels instead and now I can't stop imagining Embittered Companion choosing to eat angels instead of fucking demons

I don't know if this rule would apply to God Fragment Companion,like would they need demon essence?

But let's just say they do,I do imagine they could just eat the angels formed by their wings while their in a hungry semi lucid state and I also imagine the false angels wouldn't mind

In fact Companion's behaviour influences the false angels and sometimes when Companion is hungry the False angels act like a pack of hyena or piranha and tear eachother apart

Like a group of them just dog pile eachother like piranha or a pack of hyenas swarming their prey

And it's just a gruesome scene of this wiggling mass of white bodies and feathers fluttering around and spurts of blood and the sound of breaking bones and ripping flesh as the False Angels tear eachother or their weakest member apart to satiate Companion's hunger

My brain juice is coming back

I go M.I.A for a bit and end up coming back with a lot of new random ideas

I do this all the time sorry

Dante Anon

No need to worry, I too have low mental stamina. I want to talk but ough I'm so tired all the time. I see the inbox messages but my fingers won't let me type. I get very tired, so easily. I am burning with ideas all the time, if only my mental stamina could keep up with it! Anyways. Let me add onto this fun idea.

This is just my kinks showing up so don't mind me.

Hmm honestly, I would assume that this version of the Companion doesn't need to consume demon essence, but oh well.

I want one of those angels to have been taken away and locked up deep in whatever Heaven prison facility they got. This fake angel was crafted when the Companion was in the worst pit of self loathing, so this fake angel was created with the task to kill the Companion. That is it's goal, its purpose for its creation. But, obviously, the other angels come in, capture this being and locked it far away. They can't kill these fake angels, because they received the order to stop killing each other in the Companion's name. It's unsightly, disgusting, I don't want it.

This, of course, stretches to the Companion's angels. So they can't kill this particular one.

And whenever these strange angels go into a feeding frenzy in an attempt to sate the Companion's appetite, God's angels come in and collect the heads of those eaten angels and help them regrow all their body mass. So you just have a sci-fi facility filled with fake angel heads floating in those classic liquid chambers.

Hey, wouldn't that make for a neat side-story? Where the fake angel that's trying to kill the Companion ends up being the first one to develop a consciousness, and it goes through the facility with those fake angel heads and is confronted by God's angels that question why this fake angel wants to kill what created it. Do you not love the Companion? Worship their very being? You're lucky that we can't kill you, but we will take you apart and seal you away.

And jokes on them, this fake angel is trying to kill them out of love. Of course love is there, its the very core of this purpose. This angel has learned to pray, learned to praise their very precious human qualities outside of the godly ones.

And eventually the purpose goes from "I must kill the Companion," to "I must kill God." As in, "I must kill the shard that forced them to make me, and made them suffer."

#admin #embittered companion au #dante.anon

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narcfyodor · 13 days ago

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Hiii, I saw your message about asks, and I wanted to ask if you had any specific coping mechanisms for homicidal ideation. Mine has been awful lately, and my usual coping mechanisms aren't working as well anymore.

Also, you noted that you have NPD, BPD, and ASPD traits. How'd you figure out you had all of them, and not just a 'PD NOS' type situation? /gen I myself fit traits of all four cluster Bs (going through all the official diagnostics, I fit the criteria for all four), and I'm struggling to figure out if like. I might have traits of each (like described it'd be ASPD traits, BPD traits, HPD traits, and NPD traits), or if I'd be considered to just have general cluster B traits, or if I'd have 'PD NOS', or if I would straight up just have all four PDs, etc.

REMINDER/TW

Some of this is personal experience, it won't be the same for everyone. I will mention a mental hospital I went to. I am not a professional.

About the coping mechanism for homicidal ideation

First of, thank you so much for the ask! To answer your first question. I sadly don't have any healthy ones. But I have one that doesn't harm others. Usually when I have homicidal ideation and I'm at home I go to my room and try to distract myself by reading and watching a video. That on it's own is good I just tend to isolate myself for a few hours until the feeling has completely passed. What's unhealthy about this is not only the isolating but also repressing of the emotion (anger/rage wtvr.) Because it will come back eventually and then it's over 😭 I do plan on working on better coping mechanisms in therapy but the last time I talked about it with a therapist I was not met with a friendly reaction at all.

So my Tipp is to take time for yourself when you can and try to distract yourself. Just try not to make the same mistakes I do and don't isolate yourself and try to let the emotion out in another way (like writing, drawing, sport) at a later point in time.

How did I figure out I have NPD, BPD and ASPD traits?

I knew I have BPD since 13. I did the test for personality disorders where you fill out a sheets of paper with over 100 questions. The results showed that I had a high score for BPD. But since I was 13 I didn't get it diagnosed. NPD is more recent. At the start of 2024 I found myself looking at the diagnostic criteria and symptoms for npd for reasons I can't remember. I went over them and compared it to my expirence only to realize that I fit every but one diagnostic criteria that is "arrogance, haughty behaviors, and attitudes." (I do experience it to some degree I just often don't tell people what I'm actually feeling/thinking for personal gains). After a lot of research I decided to self diagnose with npd but even then I was still in denial. Towards the end of last year I was in a mental hospital to work on my "bpd like symptoms" among other things. There I finally did the personality disorders test. At first I did the test I'd already done when I was 13. Then I sat down with a psychiatrist for 6 and a half hours. We went thru all clusters and all personality disorders. She asked me questions and I had to answer and give examples. Once the results came back it was clear, I have NPD and BPD. I got diagnosed with both as the score for both, especially NPD, was high. So that explains how I figured out I have NPD and BPD. But what about my ASPD traits?

Aspd is more complicated and way more recent. While I was suspecting NPD since may last year and BPD for years I only realized my ASPD traits about 2 months ago. During the whole testing I was very focused on my BPD and NPD symptoms. Especially after I got done with the section of npd and bpd, all I could think about was thoes two disorders and my symptoms tied to them. I unintentionally ignored all other symptoms I was showing and that paired with the psychiatrist who basically skipped over aspd during the testing process for whatever reason resulted in me not really being able to talk about anything relating to it. The next few weeks after I got the diagnosis all that was in my mind was NPD. I was struggling with the diagnosis and what it means for me. Due to the diagnosis I was paying more attention to my behavior, thoughts, feelings and urges. After some time I was able to think about other things than NPD but I still payed attention to my behavior and such. Over time I saw things in myself I had not seen before as I just considered them a part of me, and/or something that's completely normal. They weren't and while some of it fit NPD or BPD other things didn't. I was confused. One night I was thinking a lot so I went to the person watching over us that night (reminder, I'm still at the mental hospital at this point). We sat there and talked for 2 hours until it was 12am. I talked about my symptoms, my need to control others and the situation generally, my homicidal ideation, not being able to understand what is right or wrong and generally not understanding social norms, my non existent remorse and regret and so on. The person I was talking to listened to me and at the end asked me a question "Do you feel emotions?" This question absolutely destroyed me. Because while I felt the urge to say yes, it didn't feel right. My next few days were spent thinking about that question, I asked people with ASPD how they expirence emotions. It took time until I found a answer to the question but either way, the symptoms where still there. I wasn't sure what to do with all of this new information that hit me all at once. I decided to talk to my therapist there. And while she did recognize the ASPD traits her reaction was far from nice. To put it simply, I was almost thrown out the clinic and in the next therapy session she told me I'd be released way earlier than expected and planned. Her reasoning was that I have too many problems. She said until I get released we'd just work on making sure I don't relapse into dysfunctional behaviors at home. So I didn't have a opportunity to talk about it again with her.

I am still kind of in denial about my aspd traits even tho I know I fit a lot of the criteria and I'm not talking about thoes that overlap with bpd and npd.

How do I know it's not PD NOS?

First of, the official diagnosis. But outside of that it isn't a mix of different traits without filling enough diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, I fit all the criteria for BPD and NPD separate from each other. Yes my BPD is influenced by my NPD and the other way around but even so, I still fit the diagnostic criteria enough to get a diagnosis. If I did a testing for BPD and ignored the ways NPD influences it, I'd still fit the criteria. When I have time I'll draw what I mean to visualize it and explain it better.

General cluster B traits, PD NOS, or all four?

If you fit all diagnostic criteria for all personality disorders you probably have all four personality disorders. But it depends. As an example on how strong the symptoms are, you might experience all symptoms of a pd but a professional will call it traits as some of the symptoms aren't strong enough to be considered a pd on it's own. Everyone goes in the direction of specific personality disorders but it is considered a personality disorder or symptoms when it's exstreme. (Not saying you don't show all cluster B traits!)

A professional will probably be very hesitant to diagnose you with all 4 PDs. They might look for other similar disorders first that overlap. In the end it's in the hand of the professional what they diagnose you with. But my original point stands, if you fit all diagnostic criteria for aspd, bpd, hpd and npd, then you probably have all 4. Tho please note that I'm not a professional!!!

This got really long I hope I could help you somehow anon! If you or anyone has any follow up questions feel free to send a ask! Have a great day ahead and thank you for the ask!

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