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commander-rahrah · 1 year ago

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Talking to the Moon: Part V

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Reader Word Count: ~6200 Warnings: emotional hurt/comfort, arranged marriage, slight family angst aka daddy issues? I'm terrible at these

archiveofourown: here

masterlist: here

part I: here part II: here part III: here part IV: here

Summary: Set at the end of Act II, after Moonrise Towers and Kethric. Reader/Tav leans on Astarion and reveals more about their family and their story from before the Nautiloid.

Notes: I've emerged from my cave I made on the couch in my basement and finally finished this update! I got bronchitis a week or so ago and it kicked my booty, but I'm finally feeling better!! YAY! I have no voice still, but good thing I don't need that to write fanfiction!

So this update reveals more of our Selune blessed Tav's backstory that is based off my original D&D character. I was really hung up on whether or not I should include more backstory and lore for this GN!Tav/Reader, since it isn't very typical for a lot of the gn!reader fics I've read. But it was giving me such writers block if I did not include it, as I honestly have the rest of this fic completely planned out and the endgame I have for this pairing relies on more of this backstory, so I decided to include it! Also, its my fic… and my character sooo I hope you enjoy my baby and the little story I wrote for them five years ago. This character will have a special place in my heart forever, and I'm excited to share more of them with you all!

I also desperately wanted to include a scene of Astarion and Tav/Reader kissing for the first time since his confession and them setting boundaries about physical intimacy and contact. I know the game just lets you click the kiss option right away, but I like to think its something that Astarion would build himself up to again and would maybe even have to relearn — not kissing like it was a performance, but instead an expression.

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! It means so much to me and every time I see a notification! It fills me with infinite joy ♡♡♡ I know there is lots of posts circulating about this and tags get filled with it, but reblogs and comments are so so appreciated!! :)

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He wasn’t sure how you did it. Astarion was exhausted, beyond that actually — shattered. His feet were stiff and aching, his mind fuzzy with weariness. Yet you were still smiling, accepting the gratitude of every single person at the Last Light Inn with humble nods and smiles. He’d never had a longer day in his life. The temple, the Shadowfell, Shadowheart, Moonrise Towers, the goddamn Absolute. Gale... Gods, you had talked down Gale from fulfilling the desire and demands of an actual goddess. All in one day. All he wanted to do was to fall into a bed with you, and sleep. To just pretend for one moment that there wasn’t any marching armies or impending vampire masters waiting in Baldur's Gate. To ignore the thrum of anxiety and fear that coursed through him as he remembered exactly what was carved into his back — what Raphael had finally revealed to him. Just for today, he had wanted to rest. But no — the end of this never ending day was to finish with a celebration. An annoying, lively celebration. The vampire was being stereotypical as ever — standing in a shadowy corner, moody and silent as he nursed a red glass. It was wine. Gale had found a decadent bottle, buried away and forgotten about on some dusty shelf. The wizard had made an eloquent toast to the group gathered on the bottom floor of the inn. But he was now standing with Wyll — the two of them conversing politely with a pair of obviously flirtatious tieflings. Karlach had her arm wrapped around Damon, the two of them chatting enthusiastically and laughing. Astarion was surprised to not see Shadowheart by Karlach — the two of them inseparable as of late. No, what was more shocking was that the dark-haired cleric was sat next to Lae’zel. Their mouths barely opening as they spoke to each other in low voices, buried under the noise of the celebration in the inn. He almost choked on the sip he had just taken as his red eyes finally returned to you — where several people were forming a makeshift line to speak with you. The next one more bashful than the last as they leaned in to speak with you, all flushed cheeks and batting eyelashes. You always had a certain charm about you, an innate ability to draw out easy smiles and laughs from others. You were also undeniably attractive — anyone who said otherwise would be a blind idiot. But other people being enraptured by you had never bothered him before. He had just silently agreed with them — that yes, you were indeed a prize like no other. But you were his now, weren’t you? As he was yours. Even without the label or words that he still couldn’t figure out how to say. That he was too afraid to say. Regardless, why were you entertaining these fools?

He'd not felt this before — was it jealousy? Gods, he was being like a petulant child who didn't want to share their toy. You were a person, you could make your own decisions. That was the entire point of all of this.

What was he going to do — follow you around like a lost puppy? Drape himself over you, clutch onto you like a coat so others would see he was with you?

You must have felt his red eyes piercing through you as you suddenly flicked your eyes over to meet his gaze. Your face instantly brightened, a smile tugging on your lips. An overwhelming sense of relief went through him as you waved apologetically to the small group in front of you, before weaving your way over to his dark corner.

"Yes, darling?" He drawled as you approached, trying to hide any emotion betraying on his face as he tipped his wine glass in front of it and took another sip.

"Why are you hiding away in this corner? Not feeling like being paraded around like a hero?" You said sarcastically.

Astarion rolled his eyes at you, replying dryly, "I am many things, but a hero, I am not."

You leaned in conspiratorially, lowering your voice until it was just a whisper. "I would beg to differ. But you have a reputation to uphold, don't you?"

He barked out a laugh, before flicking you in the nose gently. "You cheeky pup."

"Ow." You feigned, scrunching your face up at him. "That hurt."

A wave of courage swept through him as he pushed back the little voice in his head. He leaned forward and pecked his lips onto the tip of your nose. He hoped the tingle that spread across his lips as they met your skin would spread to you. It seemed it did as your skin then flashed a delicious, brilliant shade from surprise. A tiny squeak even escaped you, your eyebrows shooting up.

You had not kissed, not since his confession. Not since all of this had started. Not a brush of lips against hands or cheeks, nothing. The look on your face and the sudden increase in the thrum of your heart had him feeling light headed. Did he truly have such an effect on you?

For a moment, he let his gaze from you lapse as he swept his eyes across the inn. To the disappointed glances of a few partygoers, and the knowing looks of his companions, watching the pair of you interact.

A flash of gratification went through him, satisfied at the effect he had not just on you but at those who had eyed you before. It squashed the jealously that had made a pit in his stomach, instead twisting it with a new, slowly recognizable feeling.

"There, all better?" He smirked.

You let out a breathy laugh, nodding at him.

Astarion rubbed his lips together, the tingling sensation on them lingering still. "How much longer does the Hero of the Shadowlands need to stay down here?"

You looked over your shoulder to the gathered patrons, the crowd thinning out more and more as the evening faded into a dark, late night. "Bored already?"

He let out a weary sigh, letting his shoulders droop. "Exhausted, darling. And I know you are too."

You were always a sight to see, holding a beauty he could have never imagined or conjured up in his head. But he could see the purple circles under your eyes, the usual sparkle in them had long gone dull.

Your eyes flickered to your boots, nodding your head in defeat. "You're right."

"I believe they have set some rooms aside for us, if you wish—"

"Do you?" You caught him off, trying to hide your own eagerness.

His gaze softened, a smile tugging on his lips, "Very much so."

The pair of you bid goodnight to your companions quietly, subtle nods and waves as they continued their own conversations or headed to their own rooms. Astarion walked slightly behind you on the stairs, his hand resting gently on the small of your back as you led the way. The path you took was familiar, the worn floor boards creaking before you were outside the private room the two of you had occupied once before.

Astarion let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door softly behind him, the sounds from the lingering party below muffled and leaving you in a peaceful quiet. But as he found reprieve in finally being alone, you suddenly crumbled.

You dived for the bed, a heartbreaking sob escaping you as your hands covered your face.

Your name choked out him before he crossed the room quickly and joined you on the edge of the mattress. Gods, what was it about this Inn and room that had you breaking apart on it? "Darling, what's wrong?" He asked, concern etching every feature.

"I- I, didn't-"

He remembered your words earlier today — gods, was that today? How comforting his touch was for you, being reminded of his presence. He placed his hand carefully on your own that was trembling on your thigh as you tried to speak.

You finally gasped out, "She wasn't there, she wasn't-"

Mol. The little tiefling girl. You had promised those rascal children downstairs you'd find her. And it was you who had told them she wasn't in Moonrise tonight, swallowing deeply as they dipped their heads with disappointment. But you had told them not to give up hope, that she was resourceful and strong. You had sounded so convincing that even he had believed you.

But here you were, sobbing and breaking apart in front of him. "Oh, sweetheart. Gods, I should have seen this, I'm sorry."

You sniffled, glancing up at him with wide eyes. "Why are you apologizing?"

He gave you a sad smile, his eyes shining with understanding, "I know you better by now. It was a mask you were wearing tonight...," He tucked a stray hair back behind your ear. "I hate it when you wear it."

"I just wanted everyone to be okay, I tried so hard..." Your voice cracked and broke.

"You've done so much, darling. Look at what we did today, that was because of you."

You always took care of everyone else. But who took care of you? Astarion thought, perhaps... him. He could… he would.

He had been.

"Oh my little moon, you don't have to carry the world by yourself, you know?"

You sniffled and nodded, silver still lining the bottoms of your eyes.

"May I?" He echoed the question you so often asked of him. You'd never touched him without asking the question first. Your consent you'd granted him was a separate conversation, one where you had told him casual, simple touches were okay. A silent conversation and agreement sometimes was exchanged with a look of your eyes. But with him, you had always asked. He thought that now he would return that favor to you, as you opened yourself to him — vulnerable and upset once again on the edge of this mattress.

He hoped you appreciated the sentiment, as much as he did.

The vampire reached down, hovering his hands over your boots. Your brows furrowed slightly before you were nodding. Your eyes never left his pale fingers as he untied the laces of your boots, gently prying them off before setting them down neatly at the foot of the bed. Then he did the same to his own before he slid his way up the bed, leaning against the headboard before patting the spot next to him.

"Come here."

You hesitated, before beginning to scooch over to him. When he opened his arms as a silent invitation you hesitated again. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please come here." He nodded solemnly.

Astarion willed himself to keep steady and clear, drawing a breath he truly did not need. He enveloped you in his arms as you laid next to him, trying to stop his limbs for stiffening. It was all so foreign, it was terrifying.

But your familiar scent filled his nose, and he could feel the steady rhythm of your heartbeat with your chest pressed to his side. His fingers laxed as you settled into him, bunching into the material of your shirt. Your breaths started calming and eyes fluttering as you laid with him.

"Is this okay?" You whispered — uncertainty laced every word.

"I was just going to ask you the same thing." He said softly, before swallowing thickly. "I don't know what I'm doing." You started to remove your limbs his, but he tightened his hold on you. "Don't, please."

"Astarion if you aren't comfortable—"

"I am, it's not that." He rubbed the soft material of your shirt between his fingers as he spoke, "I want so badly to be this for you, to be what you need. But I don't know how."

You craned your neck up to look at him, "I think you're doing a good job of it."

He looked down at you through his long lashes, "Truly?"

"Yes, Astarion." You sounded genuine, "No one... no one has ever made me feel the way you do."

He let out a sigh of contentment, settling in deeper with you before resting his chin on the top of your head. "I know we have so much left to do... But laying here with you. It makes it worth it."

"Are you scared?" You asked in a whisper.

"Terrified, actually." He admitted.

Your thumb rubbed across his stomach in smooth lines back and forth, "I will be with you every step of the way."

"That's part of what makes it all so terrifying." The vampire whispered, "Sometimes, I know that I couldn't do any of this without you by my side. But other times... when Ketheric turned into that thing, that abomination, with you looking so small in front of him..."

"I know."

Astarion moved his head so he could look at your face, "You were right though."

"Hmmm?" You hummed.

"This is nice. Gods, when did I get so soft?" He chuckled, the movement of his chest vibrating your head until you joined him.

Both of your faces were etched with bliss and contentment as you laid in the bed. On this bed where before he had laid awake, willing himself to fall into a trance, convincing himself to keep his distance from you, trying to protect himself from the inevitably of you.

Now, you both fell asleep like that, still in your regular attire, wrapped in each other's arms with your head buried on his chest.

The stars caressing their moon.

• • •

The journey towards Baldur's Gate was turbulent and nerve-wracking while also... hopeful.

The group was buzzing with energy — the anticipation of returning to Baldur's Gate had made some of your companions restless in more ways then one.

You were all sat for a short rest, relaxing in a patch of long, green grass just off of the dirt road you were traveling on. It was just your group now, the other parties and groups had begun moving at different paces and times until it was just your familiar companions now.

Astarion was laid out in the grass, his head resting on your lap and your fingers absent-mindedly playing with his soft, white tresses. His eyes were closed, basking in the glow of the sun that was set high in the sky at this time of day. Occasionally the shadows on his face would bounce as his long lashes flickered, opening his eyes to glance at you with a dreamy expression on his face.

It made your movements stutter each time you noticed it. But the grip he had on your heart — that was steady and true. He had possessed you in a way you still could not articulate, even all these weeks later.

But you blinked back to reality as Gale's voice broke the silence. "You're a beautiful couple."

You looked up, a sheepish smile spreading across your face from being noticed. Astarion craned his neck, his red eyes rolling back to look at the wizard before settling back into your lap with a disinterested look crossing his face.

"Oh, I'm sorry... I'm made things awkward, haven't I?" Gale mumbled, his hands twirling with the blades of grass in front of him.

You couldn't help the blush that was spreading across your cheeks at the attention. Especially as you realized the rest of your companions were looking over with small smirks.

Gale continued as you remained silent, "I just meant that... Well, its nice to see my friends so happy. That's all."

"Thank you, Gale." Astarion drawled, readjusting himself so he laid deeper on your lap.

The wizard blinked in surprise, "You're welcome. Are you — is it a secret, or?"

"Not a secret, no." The vampire purred with a shake of his head.

"We are just taking our time." You finished, a soft smile growing on your face to match the one spreading across Astarion's.

"Hmm, that's nice." Gale trailed off, a wistful expression on his face.

Before the silence could really settle in again, the rest of the party started a conversation up.

"Won't be long now until we get to Baldur's Gate." Wyll said, his face hard to read.

"Are you nervous?" Karlach stretched her long leg, nudging him in the ankle playfully.

His mouth scrunched and nose crinkled, "I... I don't know how to feel."

"I can't fucking wait! I'll be able to show you guys my old stomping grounds!" The barbarian said excitedly, falling back dramatically into the grass with her limbs spread wide. She addressed you, shouting up to the blue sky, "What about you, Giggles? Excited to see home again?"

"Oh," Your fingers froze, hovering over Astarion's hair. "I had only lived in the city for just under a year. Home will always be in the north."

"The north? I don't think I've heard you speak of your home much." Shadowheart asked quietly, a quizzical look on her face.

"I, yes— near the Ice Spires." Your mouth twitched.

"You hail from a noble line, yes?" Gale asked. Everyone was eyeing you with curiosity, even Astarion still stretched out on your lap. His red eyes shifting slightly as he studied you.

You swallowed, painting on a polite smile before speaking, "My father is a Viscount. He is a formidable figure in the region."

"Ah." The warlock grimaced, his eyes sad. "Why do I get the feeling our stories are more similar than I realize?"

You bristled. "I'm not exiled or anything... It's just been some time. That's all."

"That's all?"

A humorless laugh escaped you, "I am a second born child. And my older brother is much more obedient and better suited to the game of politics than I am." You couldn't help the sad, bitter smile that spread across your face. The thought of home stung in more ways then one.

Astarion noticed how tense you had become, his hand squeezing your knee as he pushed himself up with a dramatic huff. "We are never going to get to the city if we sit here lounging all day."

You shot him a grateful look, and he gave you the slightest nod in recognition as he offered his hand to lift you up. He did so easily, brushing off blades of grass lingering on you both gently.

"You were the one complaining not long ago about how long we had been walking for!" Gale said, sounding completely exasperated as Wyll helped him up.

"Me? I said that? I don't think so." The rogue playfully scoffed, shaking his head so his soft curls bounced dramatically. He looked over his shoulder at you with a conspiratorial smile before stretching his hand out for you. His fingers intertwined with yours easily as he pulled you along the dirt path, away from the questioning and burning curiosity of the rest of the party.

• • •

Your group finally settled down for the night — picking a small clearing just off of the well-worn, dirt path you had been traveling down. Perhaps the last time you would be sleeping in the wilderness. You would be at Wyrm's Crossing by midafternoon tomorrow.

Astarion had set up your tent on the edge of camp, attempting to give you both some sense of privacy from your busybody companions. He knew they meant well, that they hadn't meant for this afternoon to turn into an interrogation. That, like him, they were just curious to know more about you. As kind and good you were to all of them, you were still somewhat of a mystery. You had revealed the origins of your powers to the group yes, but you rarely spoke about yourself or your home.

Not even to him.

The vampire had been content to let it lie. He knew it would come with time — and he certainly couldn't make any demands of you. Not after how gracious and patient you had been with him. But he couldn't deny that part of him wanted to know more. Astarion had somehow become an open book with you — revealing and exploring parts of himself that he had buried down so deep that he was surprised he could find them.

He worried that it all had been about him for so long. His trauma, his past, his goals. That maybe you had kept parts of yourself hidden away, on the back burner for him.

You had your back turned to him at the moment, the golden flickering of the candles in the tent illuminating the curve of your spine and freckles across your bare skin. Your muscles stretched and tensed beautifully as you lifted your arms over your head —pulling your nightclothes over yourself as you changed in the corner. It was a boundary that was set much earlier, that he had slowly started making less and less strict.

He wasn't ready for anything more yet — he knew that. But his red eyes couldn't help but roam your figure. He couldn't help the familiar sensation of want twisting low in his stomach, the twitch of his fingers at his side as he imagined running his fingertips over your soft skin again.

The smile you gave him as you turned around was dazzling, even in the dim light and tight space of the shared tent. You joined him cross-legged in the center of the tent, both of you not quite ready to go to sleep just yet.

He picked at his nail for a moment, trying to seem nonchalant as he opened his pink mouth to speak. "So... the Ice Spires?"

You raised a single eyebrow, a hard to read look crossing the rest of your features. "Yes?"

His fingers continued to fidget in front of him. "It's cold... all the time?"

"Not all the time. Our winters can be brutal though." You said with a scrunched nose.

"Oh, what a lovely sell. I can't wait to go now!" He said sarcastically.

"Ha." You laughed dryly, before your voice turned wistful. "It's beautiful honestly... I miss it."

The vampire studied your face as you undoubtedly saw visions of your home in your mind's eye. The edges of his lips curved up as he remembered your promise to take him there one day. He broke you out of your daydream with a quiet cough before he spoke again, "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want. But why did you leave there, darling?"

Your eyes flashed to the floor of the tent, your mouth forming a hardline. "Promise me you won't be upset?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

His eyebrows furrowed together at your reaction. He took two fingers, dipping them under your chin so you would look up at him. "Why would I be upset? You leaving home for whatever reason is why you are here now. With me."

Your eyes softened with his answer, before you nodded. Yet you still licked your lips nervously before speaking, "Well... you know that Selûne told my mother I would be destined for a different path then the life of nobility. My mother agreed to it all those years ago, both my parents knew and yet... they still hoped they could reel it all back in. That enough etiquette and language lessons would shape me into the perfect child they hoped I would be. But it was never me. I tried for them, I really did. Instead I started to fantasize about the people in our history lessons like they were characters in a book, and I spoke too loud and laughed at the wrong moment at dinner."

Astarion couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he imagined you as a child — your face round and soft with innocence, your brilliant smile with missing teeth. The havoc that you would have caused, racing down wealthy halls as you acted out scenes from your books and danced in an empty ballroom with your melodic laugh echoing in the space. A piece of himself he had long forgotten about twinged inside him. He couldn't remember his own childhood anymore — it was lost to the last two hundred years of darkness. But something warmed in him as he dreamed up what yours was like.

He snapped back to reality as you spoke again. "But I had a duty. I'm the second born, I wasn't being primed to one day take over for our father and run the keep, but I could be used in other ways. I've known of it since I was twelve."

His white brows furrowed again, "Known what?"

"When I became of age I would be married off to secure wealth and political ties with other territories. I'm engaged... technically." You admitted.

His eyes dropped immediately to your fingers, the several jewels that adorned them from the moment he met you. He had never thought anything of them — thinking they were an artful display of rings that matched your personality and appearance well. But there it was — a golden ring of much higher quality then the rest, with a large ruby sitting in the center of it. Gods, how had he missed that.

"Oh my gods. I'm a homewrecker." Then he burst out laughing, his head thrown back and his hands holding his stomach as he howled.

"Astarion, you'll wake up half the camp!" You leaned forward and hissed.

"I'm sorry, I just —" He let out between gasps of breath, "It's so funny. Of course the person I fall for is to be wed to someone else."

You joined his chuckles, shaking your head. "It is like a cliché plotline from some terrible drama."

"It is! Or like a punchline to some joke. Did you hear the one about the vampire and the fiancé?" You both laughed for a moment, before he clutched onto your hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"So you aren't upset?" Your voice a whisper again, uncertainty flooded every word.

"Upset? Darling, why would I be upset?"

You huffed out an exasperated breath, "Astarion, I just told you I am betrothed to another person."

"And you are on the other side of the continent from them. Not married. And sitting in my tent. Is this why you left?"

Your eyes widened in surprise, "Yes, we planned it all out actually— my betrothed and I."

"Really?"

You nodded, "They had also spent the last years troubling over it, attempting to delay it for as long as possible."

"I'm assuming getting kidnapped by mind flayers was not apart of that plan?" He said with a smirk.

"Definitely not. I so badly wanted to travel, to see the world outside of our keep I'd known my whole life. So... they insisted to my family that they needed a spouse that was learned and well-traveled. That I could enroll in a college to become a more suitable match."

Astarion raised a white brow, "And that worked?"

"It did. I think my father was so desperate for it all to work out that they just agreed."

"And how did you attending a college lead you to Baldur's Gate so many miles away from home?"

You let out a dry chuckle, "I will say that I did go to the college like I intended. I lasted a week. Just long enough to purchase supplies and stationary from the college before paying for a spot on the next wagon out of Silverymoon."

"Stationary?"

"I've been sending letters home for the past year, using stationary from the college so my family believes I'm still there studying and being a model citizen."

He raised his eyebrows, a smirk spreading across his lips. "I'm impressed. That's very conniving... I didn't know you had it in you."

You smiled sheepishly, your fingers twisting in your lap. "I'll admit it was a clever idea. I ran out of supplies about a month before the Nautiloid."

He pursed his lips as he finally understood, "They haven't heard from you since then?"

You shook your head, "No. I imagine my father has sent some of his men to check on me, and they have long discovered that I took back my tuition deposit and left months and months ago."

"This whole time we were worried about a vampire master storming our camp, when really it could have been a disgruntled father or worried mother finding us?"

A large exhale left your nose as you shook your head, "Oh, my father would never come himself. He would just send his second-best men and a strongly worded letter ordering me back home. My mother though... I can only imagine how she betrayed and worried she feels."

The vampire squeezed your hand again before running his thumb along the backs of your knuckles. "Why did you never tell me this?"

"Astarion, the hardship and abuse that you went through...," Your eyes shined with pain, "My story is nothing compared to yours."

"Your story is not nothing." He shook his head, his voice earnest. "Your story is you — and you are everything. Never spare parts of yourself from me."

"Even the messy parts that years of etiquette lessons couldn't train away?"

He let out a breathy laugh before smiling at you, "Especially those parts, my lovely moon."

"You have gone soft on me, Starry." You teased before matching his smile.

• • •

After another day of travel, you stood in the abandoned castle in Wyrm's Crossing, bracing yourself on the stone wall. The skyline of Baldur's Gate could be seen from here, the distant sound of the bell's ringing heard even from here.

Your party had finally made it — after all of these weeks. You would walk the familiar cobblestone streets of Baldur's Gate tomorrow. The familiar scents and sounds of vendors and citizens, the bustle and crowds would be so different from the wilderness and forests you had been traveling through.

The group's energy was buzzing as you settled for camp in the abandoned castle — a strange mixture of excitement and nerves. Astarion hadn't hidden his feelings with you — his anxieties and insecurities surfacing with every step closer and closer to the city limits. With every step closer to Cazador and his ritual. Hundreds of different ideas were bouncing around his head, you could tell.

Yet your confession to him last night was still replaying in your head, especially as your stared at the ring on your left finger — the red gem catching the light. You weren't sure why you wore it anymore. A habit, you guessed.

The sound of purposeful, shuffling feet announced that you were no longer alone. Craning your neck you looked over to see the man who normally consumed your thoughts, climbing the stone steps that led up to the falling apart battlements you stood on.

"What are you doing up here, darling?"

"Just taking a moment." You admitted as you loosed a heavy breath. "And you?"

"Oh, just over pretending to be interested the idle chat by the fire." Astarion waved his hand, before sliding in next to you. He braced his elbows onto the edge looking out over to the skyline. You watched him take a deep steadying breath, his eyebrow crinkled with worry for a moment.

You fiddled unconsciously with the golden ring on your left hand as you watched him. The movement caught the vampire's attention, his red eyes snapping to it before looking up at you. He chewed the inside of his lip, before speaking, "Can I ask you a question?"

Your stomach tightened with sudden nerves, "Of course."

"This wedding... Your arranged marriage."

"Hmm?" You hummed.

His pale throat bobbed as he swallowed, "Would you have gone through with it? If there was no Nautiloid, no tadpole — none of this. Would you have gone through with the arrangement?"

A heavy sigh escaped you as you pushed your elbows off of the stone edge and stood up, "I would have... I would have tried. It felt inevitable before — inescapable."

He shifted around, so he was facing you — standing to his full height and looking you in the eyes. "And now?" He whispered, his long fingers reaching to brush the insides of your wrist lightly.

"Astarion... I never could have imagined any of this. I spent my whole life fantasizing and daydreaming of an escape and grand adventure. Nothing I've dreamed up has ever come close to being with you. I have fought mind flayers and ogres, refused Gods and marched across the country so that we can keep going. So that we can have a chance. I will take my father's disappointment and wrath for ruining his plans for financial security."

"Heh — We can add him to the list of people we've angered along the way." He joked, but his eyes were glimmering with unspoken emotion after your declaration.

You studied the handsome man before you, your lips parting slightly as you took him in. He was radiant in the moonlight, his white hair and pale skin shining. The way his usually sharp eyes softened and rounded as he looked at you.

Gods, you loved him. You had known for sometime now that you did. The words had been crawling up your throat, lingering on your tongue and swirling in your mind for days. But you would be patient for him.

One side of his pink mouth turned up, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Your head cocked to the side, "Like what?"

"You..." He seemed like he was at a loss for words for a moment. He shook his head at himself, before he admitted in a whisper, "They way you look at me... you make me feel like I'm poetry."

"You are, Astarion." You said simply. Courage suddenly flooded through you. You knew you would be fine, no matter how he answered. You wouldn't dare rush him. But you wanted to ask tonight. "May I — May I kiss you?"

He blinked in surprise before his red eyes flicked down to your lips and he unconsciously licked his own. Then he locked eyes with you, nodding breathlessly. "Yes," He whispered back, his long lashes fluttering. "Yes."

Moving your hands up slowly and gently, your fingertips gripped the side of his strong jaw. You heard his breath sharpen as you moved your face to meet his — slowly, giving him time and space, allowing him to change his mind and pull away. But he didn't. Instead his eyes closed softly, his head tilting towards yours as he waited for you to kiss him. Then your lips locked as your mouth pressed softly against his, carefully as you waited to see if he would kiss you back. A low noise escaped you as you felt his lips press harder against yours, returning the kiss.

You had long thought of your first kiss with Astarion in the woods near the Druid's Grove all that time ago. You thought you had memorized the sweet taste of him on your lips, the scent of leather lingering from his armor and groans that made the hairs on your arms stand up.

But this — this was so different. Not practiced, not ritualistic like he so often said.

This new first kiss was so painfully soft and tender. He tasted like wine, rosemary and honey. His hair softer then you remembered as your finger toyed with the curled tips at the base of his neck. The happiest of sounds escaped him as he parted his lips for you, allowing you to deepen the kiss as your tongue slid across his teeth. You both stood like that for a moment, relishing in the feeling until you both felt dizzy. Your lips stuck together slightly as you pulled away. His forehead was pushed against yours, like he was no longer content to not be touching you.

Astarion's eyes were ablaze in the moonlight as he looked at you, his mouth falling open as he caught his breath. "Again. Kiss me, again.” “Starry?” You asked, your brow twitched. “Kiss me. Please. I miss it, I've missed you." One of his hands gripped the tip of your chin as you moved your mouth back towards him, halving the movement as he pulled you back in for another kiss. The other intertwining with yours in between you, squeezing your fingers gently.

His sharp teeth dug into your bottom lip, causing a shudder to run down your spin. "Slow down, my love." Your groaned out.

"I have — weeks of this — to catch up on." His voice was breathless and he continued to interrupt his own words as he pressed lips to yours over and over.

You pulled away, studying his face — the skin around his mouth pink from kissing, a slight flush crossing his complexion. But his eyes were fixed on you, filled with want and need. "I'm not going anywhere, Astarion. We have time."

"Good. " He beamed, resting his forehead on yours again as you both breathed each other in. The two of you silhouetted on the crumpling battlements as you held on to each other for a moment longer.

Read Part VI here

#bg3 fanfic #bg3 fanfiction #astarion ancunin #astarion x reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x tav #astarion/tav #astarion/reader #astarion fanfic #bg3 astarion

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osarina · 7 months ago

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I JUST GOT AROUND TO READING I, CARRION AND UGH!!

“there’s a lecherous smile on Albatross’s face as he leans against the frame and looks at you, glasses hanging off the bridge of his nose. ‘Damn, if you weren’t the boss’s girl…’” awww stop it you’ll make me blush

THE SCENE W DAZAI FINDING US NOT READY YET “It’s not silly if it has you upset,” kisses on the nape of the neck and then kissing our ankles & buckling our heels >>>>>> “I’m sorry that I’m not a good enough man to do what’s right and let you go.” hey so what if i started violently sobbing. “but if fate brought us together, then far be it from me to deny the one thing in this world that has ever made me happy.” HEY SO WHAT IF I STARTED VIOLENTLY SOBBING.

“Still, he wants to gouge their eyes out.” if my man doesn’t want to gouge out people’s eyes just for looking at me, i don’t want him ‼️‼️

“My, Dazai, possessive, aren’t you?” “Very,” Dazai agrees idly. “Be sure to remember that.” bringing his hand up from your waist to cup your cheek, thumb brushing over your bottom lip as he murmurs, “That’s my girl, always so smart.” blushing giggling kicking my feet twirling my hair

“Fyodor Dostoevsky. A pleasure, truly.” oh no. oh no no no no no. that’s not good.

one more thing, i noticed that you kinda like made up your own characters (which was super cool and really creative btw!!) could you explain how/why you chose the specific authors you did? and i’m assuming you got their group names from something they wrote, any reason you chose those works in particular? (these are the ones i’m talking about: Mishima Yukio of the Sun and Steel, Nabokov’s Pale Flame, Leo Tolstoy’s Three Deaths, Cao Xueqin of the Red Chamber, Kitazawa Michihiro of Fuji Electric)

ty for listening to my ramblings once again ily !!

TUMBLR USER PE4RL-DIVER UGHHHHHH I LOVE YOU WHENEVER I SEE U IN MY NOTIFS IM SO HEART EYES

albatross is truly her no1 fan in this fic and she adores him <3 dazai is so not unsubtly jealous of him whenever she talks to him. gets all side eyed and irritated and then has to hide it whenever she looks at him LOLLLLL meanwhile albatross is just pleased that dazai is no longer an emotionless brick wall with a quick trigger finger

WHEN I TELL U THAT SCENE WAS ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE EVER i actually struggled so much writing it not because it was hard to write just because i was yearning so terrible for him LOLLLLL HAHAHAH

</33333 we all need our own beastzai truly life is so unfair he's so perfect

OMGGGGGGGG actually thats my favorite part of writing series/long one shots. i adore being able to build up new characters and organizations. usually i pull them just from some of my favorite authors/works (i cheated with the one electric company its actually just a real company because i got lazy) BUTTTTT mishima is obviously my go to just because there's lowkey already been reference to him and his works in the series but no mention of him, so he's my favorite to build and explore. and then i dont know why but i always have the russian underground divided by three (tolstoy, dostoevsky, nabokov) and usually in a constant territory struggle. of the two ive built up, nabokov is usually the one i use the most because ive hced that he worked with the previous boss pretty often before things went to shit. but i've actually built tolstoy's organization more than his - the three deaths is led by a triumvirate of tolstoy, gorky, and cheknov who were all contemporaries and had were associated with each other. and actually fun fact, i plan on doing a fic with a reader who takes the place of cheknov as one of the three deaths so we're going to see more from them. cao xueqin wrote one of the 4 great classical novels of chinese literature. my fyozai fic i've also built a new organization for - they're based in italy and are in constant conflict with the clocktower, but i don't wanna give anything away because u shall see when i finally post that

maybe one day ill do a whole little page for the organizations ive built & their references in my fics for u guys to look at if ur interested!!

#ᡣ𐭩 carina’s love letters #ᡣ𐭩 from user: pe4rl diver #TY FOR LISTENING TO MYYYY RAMBLING ILYM #sorry i turned ur ask into just a place for me to ramble about my world building HAHAH

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fubuwu · 1 year ago

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Fuck it. Since I'm being spat on and tarnished by jc antis I'm unashamedly doing call out posts as they have harassed me on all my posts and got their little friends to gang up on me. Starting with this "lovely" person

Calling me an abuse apologist just because I said that madame yu had tough love methods..... I was in no way excusing her abuse towards wwx with that FYI. Wwx wasnt even mentioned in the og post.... Never once denied she was abusive in the post either (in fact i ackowledged her abuse numerous times in the post and how her children act around her. But apparently you willfully missed that part). I said she had tough love methods towards her children. NOT WWX. Wwx was not her child or have you forgotten that? She has a tough love attitude in the sense that she toughens up her kids, expects no nonsense, wants them to strive to do better, get on with it, stiff upper lip attitude etc. This does not mean it's a good parenting tactic.

---

Using tough love to describe her parenting technique isn't a compliment. Apparently some of you don't know what it means because tough love, whilst there is love and good intentions behind the actions, it can also have unintended bad consequences on your children and is not a form of love you should expose your child to if you want them to become normal, emotionally stable people.

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It can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms and suppressing emotions amongst other things I won't go into. I was in no way complimenting her. It was a critique. That should have been obvious. But in your words, ig some of you don't have reading comprehension.

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To accuse me of something so extreme as excusing abuse over a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and trying to get all your friends to agree and jump on my posts because I never explicitly made the above points obvious is what a bully would do. You know nothing about me and decided to make such allegations over a single post. I will not stand for this bullying.

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YOU should be ashamed of your behavior. I've seen your other posts and how you talk about and to REAL PEOPLE.

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You acting all morally superior whilst attacking me and many others like this makes you an abusive person FYI. And I won't sit there and take it from you or your friends.

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Moving on to specimen number two

This person has been spamming my notifications jumping on EVERY post, being disrespectful and pretty much accusing me, an ace person, for being ignorant about MY OWN IDENTITY and using ace stereotypes just because I surmised that jc could be ace due to his lack of interest in romance.

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Echoing the words used by another user in the thread, but denying that such ace persons exist is acephobic in itself. I'm an ace person who isnt interested in relationships outside anything that is close, platonic but meaningful. Many others in the jc fandom say the same thing which is why they see themselves in him. A large portion of the jc fandom are actually ace in fact and we love to see him used in ace rep posts. We're already made to feel like freaks, so to have that thrown in my face is very hurtful. Above all twisting my words and making out I said every ace person hates romance is very disingenuous. I NEVER once said that in the post. I wont have my character attacked and lied about like that.

---

Also, once again TWISTING my words, implying I was pissed off about the incel claims when it was so obvious that I was merely asking out of curiosity where these claims come from?? Because it was never implied in the canon text. There was no anger or malice behind my questions. It was all open discussion. I can see now that this was mental gymnastics at play here to justify your hcs that you know are not canon and use it as an excuse to attack my posts with your friends, all because you were proven wrong. You lashed out on what was an otherwise polite discussion. That behavior is all entirely on you.

---

Ive only ever been respectful in my posts and they were never done to provoke arguments or hate on others opinions. So to wake up and be accused of all sorts over a fictional character is very hurtful and just shows how terribly low your side of the fandom has to stoop just to prove a point and hate on jc.

---

Im not tolerating it and these blatant LIES any longer. I hope other jc antis read these posts and see how nasty you all are. And if anyone thinks this sort of treatment is okay, then you need to look inwardly and step away from the computer. I'm done here.

#jiang cheng #mo dao zu shi #I'm fed up #I'm going to stand up for myself. I'm not going to sit there and let these bullies spread all this bs without saying my piece #My posts have all been respectful and open to discourse #But this.....#This is bullying. Especially when I specifically asked on my posts to just block and move on if you disagree with me. But you disrespected #That shared my posts with slanderous claims knowing full well it will draw the attention of your friends #I'm willing to engage in discourse but this isn't discourse. This is bullying.#Jc fans I suggest you block these people if you haven't already #Don't bring hate to them that will only make us just as bad as they are and I won't stoop to their level #Block and continue to make content #I want to believe that the mdzs fandom is still pure and fun to be in #I shouldn't have to block to do that...#But it looks like I don't have much of a choice #canon jiang cheng #Canon jc

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elanorpam · 1 year ago

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Hey, ive been a fan of your cultstuck series since i first read it 10 years ago and its one that i hold dear along woth toastyglow and their siblings' works. Given that we are all adults now with very busy lives, i dont expect you to kerp up with an old project like writing a fan novel fpr free, but i am curious as what ur current plants for earthbent are, if there are any atm.

(Tbh id be happy with any answer you provide, whether its a detailed outline, an unsure shrug, an excited wink hinting at a deadline or an announcement of permanent hiatus. Youve given so much with your writing, thst i just want you to be happy with whatever plans u have)

hey there! i'm going to go with unsure shrug as an answer here.

see, I did have a detailed outline for cultstuck-- i wrote it all down at around ...2015? very soon after the second eridan chapter, and sent it to my beta, who then proceeded to ghost me forever. I was already sensing she was growing disinterested in the fic/the fandom, giving constant excuses, and I myself was dealing with an anxiety/depression combo that would sharply nosedive by the time the finale came around, so i just... let it go. She didn't care. I wasn't in a good mental place to care. We went our separate ways.

I decided to take a mental health sabbatical, and now, after a few years of sertraline and therapy, the thought of picking it back up is very, very far down my list of priorities. I have so many other fics I want to write, for media which hasn't let me this profoundly down! And also, Cultstuck was conceptualized in the post-cascade hiatus, in chat logs and rough outlines, and was never supposed to take later canon into account unless it dropped any interesting, matching lore...

...but late act 6 took such a dump on the characters and the setting that it took the joy right out of playing on my patch of sandbox, fenced off as it was. And I couldn't connect with the Retcon timeline at all, but some of its developments are so popular and so deeply entrenched that I hesitate to contradict them even though i kind of hate the whole thing and never meant to take it into account?

Let's take the strongest example: Davekat. Dave and Karkat in Cultstuck were never meant to be anything more than mutually annoying acquaintances connected only indirectly via Terezi-- Dave was to be her moirail, and aro-ace besides. This was because for the entirety of the comic, that was the only vibe I got from Dave as a character, and from his interactions with Karkat as a whole-- he and Karkat felt too similar in mutually unpleasant ways, like a cousin that's just enough like you to give you second-hand embarrassment. So by the point the comic was playing coy with pushing the New Dave and New Karkat action figures together, you couldn't get me to care about Davekat if you put a gun to my head. This really hasn't changed in the least. And that means whenever I think of dealing with disappointed Davekat fans in the future of the fic, I just feel an all-encompassing, soul-deep exhaustion.

but i also don't want to drop the fic altogether, for some reason? Like, I might not feel this way forever. So idk, i'm keeping my options open i guess. Subscribe to the fic/series and maybe 10 years from now you'll get a notification like a holiday miracle. Who knows.

#cultstuck #homestuck #homestuck thinks

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blookmallow · 1 month ago

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been trying out fallout 76 (with 0 expectations, ive been told its not great) and its been a weird time

so far

- i like that we have a female radio dj but why are we getting the reprise of butcher pete Again. will i never be free from butcher pete

- theres an occasional announcer voice on the other radio channel who is alarmingly nick valentine's voice and its weird every time. i also did not know until very recently that nick's voice actor is also the mr handy voice. this is still fucking me up

- got a "Drink to gain positive effects!" notification and thought i was being encouraged to drink alcohol but then realized i had forgotten i was supposed to be like, drinking water

- found a camp where everyone was dead except for one guy, who acted like nothing was wrong at all. no acknowledgment of an attack or anything in this camp. it was late at night so i went to bed. when i started the game back up all the dead people were regular alive npcs again. what happened. did someone come through and kill everyone and then it reset

- didnt realize i have no ability to pause. got murdered by ghouls while looking at my inventory. i do not usually play mmos

- im constantly bewildered by the existence of other players i knew this was a feature of this game but i dont know what to do with it at all. i never have voice on so if anyones trying to talk to me im not hearing it. im playing my character as a weird confused hermit and i have no desire to actually engage with anyone else really

- wandered into some guy's camp (another player not an npc) and was messing with his collection of arcade games only to realize the guy was there walking around in his underwear like 2 feet away. i just kinda quietly walked away

- i have no clue what the social etiquette here is at all. every player ive walked by so far has kinda just continued doing their own thing and ignored me. ive been looking at other peoples houses but not taking anything/attempting to unlock anything. i dont know if im trespassing or what. i saw someone fighting a bunch of protectrons and helped but then i just immediately disappeared back into the woods, lacking any means of communication as i refuse to have a microphone on

- love the mothman cult. excellent

- i dont know what to do with myself without the ability to collect things and make little decorative shelves. everything becomes a stealable paper bag if dropped and i get why but i dont care for it. very confused at the ability to search every corpse in the vicinity through one corpse inventory though it is helpful. i dont know why clothes are never part of corpse inventories anymore but i really want better clothes. i have a consistent problem with caring more about visuals than armor capabilities in fallout but im doing pretty good not dying constantly in this one all things considered

- just kind of fucking around exploring really

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mugiwara--ya · 1 year ago

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heyyy hi a little life/med update !!

ive been super super busy these past couple weeks w a ton of socialization etc and ngl i think i burned myself out lol last night after we got back home from a con (and the bar stop after it) i had a massive shutdown that lasted hours and im still reeling from it, but ANYWAYS!! med update med update wooo

so! on top of the lifesaving bupropion ive been taking all year & the eszopiclone for sleep i finally !! got put on something for my ocd, lets give it up for fluoxetine to join my beautiful, beautiful cocktail, mwah 💖💝💗💕💞💓

i know it supposedly takes a few weeks to fully Work but im already feeling a MASSIVE difference right off the bat, like yesterday i was at the mall and i ✨ touched the escalator's handrail ✨ i was literally so excited i kept looking at my hand going yoooooo im DOING it im making it HAPPEN like even my friends congratulated me on it kdsfjhakjg it felt silly but massive at the same time lol and of course i still immediately disinfected my hands but the important thing is that I Did It

and idk its like!!! i knew it was BAD like especially these past few months its been just. VIOLENTLY out of control but god the absolute relief ive been feeling is making me feel like i was still grossly underestimating it, it had completely taken over my life. right now its like, i encounter any random trigger and i brace myself for the anxiety spiral to come and then it DOESN'T and its so ??? like i still have The Thought but then i just go "ok" and dismiss it like an annoying notification and thats IT, while the last time i was on therapy i literally described my ocd as having hundreds of those cymbal-banging monkey toys of different sizes just sitting there in my brain Waiting and every single time i got triggered one of them would start losing its absolute shit - for example if im at the supermarket, on top of the everything about existing as an autistic person at the supermarket, thered be like a dozen of them constantly going ALERT ALERT CONTAMINATION CONTAMINATION EEK EEK DANGER DANGER BANG BANG BANG- and now the monkeys r GONE. get turned into mostly-dismissable phone notifs, idiots !!!!!!!!!

the only monkey im willingly keeping!!!!! is the low poly 3d model of monkey d. luffy constantly rotating in my brain <3 kfngskjdfs

also like i still do like, say, my cleaning rituals when i get back home, but idk i just. i feel Normal about it?? like calmly wiping my phone bc phones r Gross and not bc i literally see a green film of Germs And Various Pathogens enveloping it lol. anddd i havent been attacked by violent intrusive thoughts in a minute !! lets see if it stays that way. im generally super sensitive to medications too so im on low doses of everything and i wanna keep it like that lol so heres to hoping it keeps goin like this so i dont have to up my dose 8)

uhh thats about it ! having a bit of Personal Issues tm at the moment tho but im so relieved abt my ocd i kinda have the bandwidth to deal with them lol. i prolly jus need some sleep quiet and to not be perceived by anyone for a solid week.

in other lighter and unrelated news my queue is completely empty rn so it'll be just a liiiittle quiet around here for a bit but ! yeah. also i just watched the latest op anime episode and urhgrhghrghrgh it was so good hhh <3333 so yah if you read this whole thing i am giving you a little kiss on the forehead, mwah, hope you have a great week !!

#a lie. this turned into a long ass post lmfao #tw ocd #sol.txt

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actualbird · 1 year ago

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got tagged by @theres-a-bea for 15 questions for 15 mutuals tag game, thanks for the tag :D

making a separate post cuz i didnt wanna make the first one too long or ping other ppl with notifs jhVKJHSVFJKSHD

1. are you named after anyone? my legal name, yeah! thanks to the baptism requirements, ive got the name of a saint. not telling u which because it's a kinda uncommon name and i dont wanna get doxxed JVJKSDF

2. when was the last time you cried? this morning, it's part of my routine to just cry in the morning so ive gotten all the pesky emotions out of the way to function mostly normally for the rest of the day jlHVKJS

3. do you have kids? do cats count? these r my two babies, bully and gato

4. do you use sarcasm much? not very much actually!

5. what sports do you play? none. in high school intramurals, i was part of the chess team and the games of the generals team. board games and Thinking is as strenuous as my physical activity gets jkhsvjfkhsvdkf

6. first thing you notice about other people? if IRL, i notice their height. if online, i notice like.....text quirks and stuff. i also like noticing what makes people laugh, cuz i like making ppl laugh and cuz 90% of why ppl keep me around is cuz im the funny guy so i gotta make sure i do my due diligence in keeping that up JKVSKJFVSDKJHF

7. eye color? dark brown

8. scary movies or happy endings? happy endings ALWAYS. i like the angst before the storm but i love a hopeful ending. and ive got a horribly low tolerance for horror JHVSKJDFVS i get....scared very easily....

9. any special talents? too many useless party tricks....i can recite all the countries of europe from memory in under 40 seconds, i can fold a paper crane behind my back or blindfolded, i can twist my right arm 360 degrees, i can make a trilling/purring noise from my throat, i can dislocate my right shoulder. these are all SO useless. but funfact! the countries of europe thing was a talent i showed off in a JOB INTERVIEW once. and then i got hired and ive been working that job for more than a year until now jkHVKJFSDFJVJ SO HEY MAYBE USELESS PARTY TRICKS HAVE THEIR UTILITY SOMETIMES!!

10. where were you born? //taps sign of i dont wanna get doxxed HAKSJFHVS

11. what are your hobbies? reading, writing, drawing, some crafts stuff when the mood hits me (crocheting, origami, making miniatures, sewing)

12. do you have any pets? YES, there were my two babies the cats. and my family is rlly into pets so this house has more animals than humans. we also have 2 labradors, 2 beagles, 1 jack russel terrier/poodle mix, and 1 turtle. it's a fuckin zoo over here

13. how tall are you? five foot one

14. fav subject in school? english!!! anything literature!!!!!!

15. dream job? man, yall got dreams? KJHVSFSKLFSDLJ. idk im a horridly ambitious-less person nowadays. as long as i get paid and im not treated like shit, im good with that

and now to tag........ @samsspambox (I KNOW TRIXIE ALREADY TAGGED U BUT UR THE FIRST WHO COMES TO MIND JFHGVKJSDH), @lukevonhagen, and uhhhh thats everybody i feel comfortable pinging HAHA. no pressure to do it, and everyone else pls feel free to yoink the meme and do it for urself :D

#tag game #dootdootdoot #the sheer chasm of personality difference between the cats.....sillies

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keefwho · 1 month ago

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October 15 - 2024 Tuesday

8:43am

I keep wasting time and feeling bad about myself. But thats because I do not have the heart to do anything in the first place. Theres a billion things I could be doing but I don't care about any of them. So I waste a little too much time scrolling twitter or watching videos and next thing you know I've been up for 2 hours and haven't even finished my morning routine. Completely sabotages my whole day going forward. Then I feel like a loser and rightfully so. I'm not living up to my own expectations, I'm not being "good" by my standards. And I don't think my standards are high. I feel bad because I hardly even tried. I didn't make an attempt to lock in, I gave up as soon as I was awake.

9:47am

I had a dream I was being asked if I was okay and that its kind of all I really wanted. Its funny because I heard a discord notification while I was half asleep and conjured up what I wanted it to say. But I've done that before. I especially used to eagerly await a morning message and sometimes I'd dream about them after waking up halfway through the night.

Dreams suck though, I'm on the verge of ignoring them because of how involved I got in one the other night. It's always been annoying how they give me a predisposition to feel a certain way upon waking, sometimes towards specific people which is not fair. I want to remember that they are not real, even if they can be a projection of my feelings. I know better than to act on pure emotion which is what dreams lead me to do.

9:54pm

4.5/10

Ive been so sucked into my own head and my past lately. I almost don't want to break free because I like consistency so much. Its dumb but that stops me from wanting to embrace better feelings/behavior. Maybe out of some desire for control/cohesion I want to stay the same way even if it's negative. However the trauma book said that people with inflexible frontal lobes tend to become creatures of habit which also makes their relationships routine and superficial. I am a creature of habit and my relationships seem routine. The more we study this book, the more convinced I am that my childhood was in fact "traumatic" and I never moved past it.

Lately especially I do not feel like a person and by extension I haven't been able to see others as people. I can't make a connection. This sucks because I not only feel lonely but my relationships suffer too. And they can tell. That in itself makes me feel like it's hopeless, like I've already screwed up and they are going to leave me now.

I'm irritated because I was doing good for a little while. I felt confident in myself, my abilities, and where I was going. I was feeling independent which was strengthening my bonds. Then I fell out of it and now I'm here. Once again unable to see hope or dream of the future, another symptom of trauma. I can't look forward if I'm looking back.

I think I might tend to pursue the unavailable because it's familiar to me to fight for everything, but it's been resulting in a feedback loop thats been causing my self image to get worse over time. Of course when I seek the impossible and constantly fail, I'm going to start feeling worse about myself. This comes in the form of people that won't make plans or that cannot meet my needs. But I stick around anyways, hoping they will. Thinking if I fight hard enough that they will be inclined to give back like they always wanted to but just hadn't yet. Absolute delusion. Seeking anything from anyone is being shown to be a bad idea. Or seeking specific kinds of people or relationships. I should be seeking myself and who I am which is when bonds form naturally. I've learned this from experience. I should never give up who I am for someone or go out of my way to chase a fantasy. I'd like to stay grounded in what is real and actually happening.

#journal #diary

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omanu · 8 months ago

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hey, i just wanted to pop in and say that if i remember correctly you posted a selfie a while ago and i was thinking oh my god that's such a pretty person i need to draw him, and i tried going back to find it again but i think you deleted it since? which is perfectly ok, even if i didn't get a chance to draw you im glad i got to see you!! we've been mutuals for a few years now atp i think and im pretty horrible at talking to people, but when i came back to tumblr after a year or so and i saw you in my notifs it really felt like omg that's my friend! like yknow coming back into a barren wasteland and then someone pops up like hey bud im still here 😭 idk as i said im pretty bad at talking to people, but i do enjoy seeing you in my notifs, and as someone who's halfway to 30 and still in college with one single friend i feel you, but i also think it'll get better and no one is destined to be alone and miserable, even if it's really hard to not feel like it, and i think even if happiness takes a while to get to it's still gonna be worth it, everyone, and i truly mean Everyone!!! deserves to know they have a place in this world, we deserve to take up space and be ourselves and find people who want us the way we are, and ive been there where your brain tells you to just die already but honestly. im glad im still here and im glad you're still here, even if all it means is that i get to smile when i see you in my notifs <3 im one of those people who think if someone likes and reblogs my posts then we're friends already, so even if im just a silent little thing in your phone, im still here!! and so are you!!! and i think that's pretty neat

so yeah, anyway, that got a little long winded, but i hope, even if slowly and sometimes a little painfully, you'll find something and someone who makes you happy, you deserve to stick around and find little things (and big ones, too!) that bring you joy <3

- a beloved mutual

aah just know that i think i read these messages like a day after you sent them! im really touched, like, fjdkkf first of all, there is someone here?? second of all, thank you so much? for everything you said.

usually, rarely (?) when i get on here it's bc i feel so bad in my head that i dont think ppl on my twitter (where I live) deserve seeing any of my whining... and to be honest that place is not safe for that cuz strangers are always jumping on people for anything and everything, so thats why i come here to cry. im sorry for that cuz it makes it look like im always miserable, which is kinda true, but when it gets unbearable i need to write shit down. so, im here now, meaning: i was gonna do what i always do here :D but then i remembered i had to reply this message dkdkd

it's so cool that youre almost 30 thats amazing, and thanks for sharing that you Get Me cuz you probably do, this makes it feel more normal. Usually i dont really mind being so alone but it always gets to me at some point. and it's kinda like,, i totally believe i could be okay living like this, i wouldn't mind. but some days when everything seems shitty and ugly it feels so bad, yknow? im sorry i cant really be that positive rn, after all i came here to cry, but this is a nice way to try and stir away from my usual single pity-party.

and i cant believ u saw my selfie cuz the day after i felt really weird, like why did i say all of that, i am a loser! i dont even know why i complain about having no one cuz on my normal days i just know i dont mind it. so weird.

anyways! thanks again im glad youre here!!!

#kgksk crying post postponed #i guess later im just gonna cry in bed like a normal person

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aroacemarie · 2 years ago

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growing up, my brother was the Stereotypical Abuser. he was actively, intentionally malicious, and WAS actively looking for ways to make my life hell. he was a sadist, and watching me suffer delighted me to no end.

because of this, i didnt recognize later in life that i was stuck in a cycle of really abusive friendships.

the first was a "best friend" of 6 years. they were hurtful. they told me i was a bad friend for not morphing into the kind of person they wanted me to be. they were manipulative, doing and saying anything they could to convince me to stick around when i tried to get away.

it didnt occur to me for years that they were abusive because, unlike my brother, they Didnt Mean It. they were depressed and lashing out, and i just happened to get hit sometimes. i thought it was okay, and that the dread and fear i felt upon seeing a text from them was a failing on my part because i was a selfish, bad friend.

thankfully, another friend helped me gather up the courage to finally put my foot down. unfortunately, that friend was ALSO abusive! this time, the abuse was also financial, which... i still feel ashamed of and blame myself for. but i had a stable support system from my parents and they didnt! i owed them my support, i thought. they deserved nice things, so when they asked me for them it would be selfish to refuse, i thought. and they were so kind to me!... until they werent.

they were an expert manipulator. thankfully, i had friends who helped me realize the way they were using me and the way they made me feel wasnt okay or normal, and i eventually got away! unfortunately, one of them was... well... need i say it?

they were a person with a lot of mental illness related issues, some from illnesses i also had! they demanded my constant attention, which was extremely draining, but i was their Best Friend, and i would be selfish to make them worry or suffer alone. they treated even the most benign disagreement as a personal attack and would lash out aggressively in response, but it was just a misunderstanding... except they also refused to apologize or take accountability afterwards. so i just stopped disagreeing. i did what was asked of me. i was always on call. i felt like i was under surveillance 24/7. i was exhausted all the time.

hey, cool fact!: did you know that you can experience non-epileptic seizures as a result of extreme, prolonged stress? neither did i! until it happened! 3 times! this didnt even happen to me when i was in college, one of the most draining, traumatic periods of my life. can i say with certainty that this person "caused my seizures?" no. can i say that every single neurological test done on me came back with healthy, typical results? yes. can i say i havent had a seizure since cutting this person out of my life 3 years ago? also yes.

a few months after this relationship ended, several missed important calls prompted me to face the fear id developed of my phone and finally take it off the "do not disturb" mode it had been kept on for so long. the constant notifications from the abuser i had finally cut off had made me afraid of my own phone, and it was time to face my fear. i recruited my mom to help me do some self-led exposure therapy: "im going to take my phone off silent. call me in 5 minutes. i'll know its you calling, so i'll know im Safe."

the first time i heard my phone ring, i answered it quietly crying from fear. ive recovered now, but I'll never forget that moment.

id like to think 3rd times the charm and that ive finally "wised up." its been 3 years, and im finally, without a doubt, free from any abusive relationships, but the "lessons" i had to learn the hard way will always stick with me.

its not healthy to feel afraid of somebody you love. its not healthy to be afraid of your phone, because what if its them? its not healthy for them to make you feel like a bad person for not living up to their expectations.

this is abuse. even if theyre not hitting you. even if theyre not raping you. even if they "dont mean it." you are being abused, and you need to get away.

you dont deserve to be treated this way.

you dont deserve to feel this way.

this isnt your fault.

random, but I think the way people talk about abusers as hypercompetent, calculating manipulators that Know exactly what they're doing makes it easier for people to get into abusive relationships

#abuse #abuse tw #rape tw

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phoenixmaiden-gaming · 2 years ago

Text

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag part 36

So I had a plan when I started to play, I was going to just go to the next mission. But when I started, I got a notification that the island I was on had hidden treasure so I went to find that, then I went to the other map I had, then the next one, but I couldn’t get that one since it was blocked. Then I went on to the next mission where I met up with Roberts who wanted me to sneak on a ship and get something for him and it was blood vials, and not just any blood, the Templars...things are getting juicy!! I wonder what Roberts is going to do with it. And he also agreed to take me to the Observatory! Things are moving along now. But for now, this is what I did.

So, as I said. I started on Prinicipe and got a message that I had a treasure map with the coordinates where I was at 992, 422.

It was easy enough to find as there were only one set of cannons inside the encampment. It was right by the battlements over looking where my ship was. I got some money for my effort.

I had 2 more maps, so I decided to find them. The next map I had was at 502, 44 and it lead me to Isla Providencia.

I had a slight hard time finding it. I had to travel to the Viewpoint that was on the other side of the island and it was supposed to be right in between a rock formation, the downed ship and a rock. I wandered around for like 5 minutes trying to find the dig spot but I found it near a palm tree. Inside was some money and a design plan for Elite Fire Barrel Storage. It is also apparently the last plan that I needed.

I had one more map and it was for coordinates 525, 253 and it was right near a fort I had claimed. There was no location attached to it so I guessed it was just a random island that I had to go to.

Turns out I was wrong. I tried to go to those coordinates but I was blocked and it said that area was not available in the current memory. So I guess this last treasure map had to wait.

Nearby where I was I saw a Man O’War and I wanted it for my fleet so I started to attack and was able to get it, but there were other ships including another Man O’ War and I almost died. So I sailed away before I died. At least I got the ship I wanted.

I went to the nearby fort and repaired my ship. And I also upgraded the last of the hull armour. Nice! I also upgraded the Fire Barrel Storage since I now had the plans.

I then set sail toward the next main mission. Look at that beautiful shot.

I started the next mission and found Roberts with a Portuguese Captain prisoner. Kenway wanted to know what the plan was before moving on so Roberts explained that the Captain he captured had information on the treasure he was looking for being on a nearby ship.

The plan was to use stealth and to do that, I had to get a Portuguese Flag so we could get close enough to the target ship. Very simple. Kenway agreed to the plan and said they would use his ship.

We set sail and I had to go slowly to not alert anyone. Roberts said that the Flagship they were after had a valuable treasure in a chest. Inside were Crystal Vials of blood. Kenway wasn’t so happy to learn that they were after blood and not actual treasure, but Roberts said that their agreement was for him to follow his instructions and not question why.

Roberts said that he wanted the Blood Vials intact and if that didn’t happen, they would be enemies. Kenway agreed with the terms. Now this just my theory, but if the blood belongs to the Templars - Torres, Hornigold and Rogers and the Observatory can control anyone with blood...Roberts is crafty.

I moved slowly through the streams and Kenway and Roberts talked about where they were from. I eventually came upon some Portuguese ships and we stayed far back to not be recognized as a pirate ship.

While the Portuguese Captain distracted the other ship, I had to jump into the water and climb aboard without being seen. Then I had to climb up the ropes to the ship mast where the flag was and take it.

I got back to the Jackdaw and we were now flying the Portuguese Flag. I sailed on and was now in the midst of the enemy. We had to move swiftly, but not too fast so we didn’t catch the attention of the surrounding ships. I had to wind around them until we reached a clear path.

The ship we were after had stopped at an island and someone was carrying a chest. Roberts said I should go ashore to find the chest. They will stay here and tell the soldiers on the island that the crew may have the Plague so that they stay away.

So I jumped ship and swam over to the island. There was still the objective to not get into combat so I was trying really hard not to. I would wait for the soldiers to pass before moving onto the next bush.

But then I messed up. I had moved and was waiting for another set of guards to pass but I miss judged where the bush ended and stood up right in front of them. So stupid! But anyway, I had to engage in combat to get away, so there goes that objective.

I eventually made it to the chest and it had empty blood vials, so what we were after was not here. I then had to tail the ship that had left and the Jackdaw came sailing up for me to get onboard.

Once I took the wheel, Kenway told Roberts that the chest had empty vials. He then noticed that the Portuguese Captain was gone. Turned out he had outlived his usefulness and Roberts had killed him. Kenway wasn’t happy about that and asked how many would have to die for a simple prize. Roberts just said anyone who got in the way.

We caught up to the Flagship docked at another small island and Roberts said we should just take the ship as that would be easier. But we had to get closer, to do that we had to take out the lookouts on the island.

So I jumped into the water and didn’t even bother hiding and just attacked and killed the guards. I then took out the look outs.

The next thing was to take out the captain and take control of the ship. So I used a rope line to jump over and assassinated him.

Just as soon as we had control of the ship, we got spotted so we had to make a run for it. I had control of the Flagship and had to follow the Jackdaw to safety.

But of course that wouldn’t be easy. There were several ships in the way that I had to take out. They weren’t especially difficult but there was 4 of them and the flagship’s cannons while strong, It was hard to control and I was used to the Jackdaw. I failed once because I got cornered, but the second time I was able to take them all out and get away.

Once we were in the clear, Roberts now had the chest he had been looking for. It was the blood of the Templars. There was even Prins’s Blood which he tossed aside since it was useless now that he was dead. But Torres, Rogers and Hornigold was there.

Kenway then said that Roberts had to take him to the Observatory now, he needed to know what it is. Roberts asked him why? Will he sell it or work with him to use it to bolster their Gains.

Kenway just said whatever improves his life. Roberts didn’t agree with his reasoning but agreed to at least let him have a look.

With that promise in hand, the mission ended. (S10/M1 - Mission: Black Bart’s Gambit - Complete). The time is finally coming! The Observatory! I simultaneously want to find it and don’t. Because while I want to see what it is, my character that is viewing this in the animus works for Abstergo which are the Templars. If I find it, that means they will too. And that’s not good.

We’ll just have to see how it goes. But that will have to be for next time. Until then, Happy Gaming!!

#phoenix be gaming #Assassin's Creed IV Black Flag #PC Games #Steam Games #gaming #gameplay #playthrough #game #games #video games #gamer #gamer fun #gamer girl #gamer life #Entertainment #Nothing is Queue Everything is Permitted

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rat-that-writes · 3 years ago

Note

hey if you’re taking headcanon requests, could you do the egos reaction to the other egos flirting with their partner (y/n) because the others dont know they’re in a relationship but the flirting isn’t returned by y/n (also your writing is really good and i always love it!!)

a/n: hi anon !! sorry idk how long this ask has been sitting in here bc for some reason the notifications for my inbox have broken lol. anyway this is a fantastic request thank u, hope u don’t mind that i included some of the hcs to be just any rando flirting with Y/N and not necessarily an ego! also ive started writing for engineer/space mark because he is the sweetest and i love him

tw: jealousy, some possessiveness, references to sex and violence, in damien’s one u kinda both hate actor sorry lol, t i n y bit of angst, sad yancy, illinois is the only reasonable person here

🖤Dark🖤

oh god oh lord whoever is flirting with you better run for the hills if Dark finds out

lets say Illinois tried a few pickup lines on you, called you a few cheesy nicknames

Dark overhears this and just teleports right beside you two

Illi is a little confused but doesn’t get the hint and keeps making conversation with you, and tries to with Dark

but the glare Dark gives him makes him a *little* afraid

and he gets even more afraid when Dark puts an arm around your shoulder and a kiss on your cheek

cue Illinois backing up a little, stuttering an apology to both of you as he quickly runs walks away

Dark is still frowning because hes a big babey who pouts when hes upset

its not that he blames you, he’s just secretly insecure about you leaving him because of the whole, yknow, possessed-void-demon-thing he has goin on

so you gotta give him a lil kiss to make him feel better

which then turns into a BIG kiss, then him pulling you closer to him by your waist, then a hand cradles the back of your head and he whisks you away upstairs so you can make him feel even better :)

💙Damien💙

poor little meow meow

imagine (actor) Mark flirting with you, flashing you a charming smile and kissing your hand

if it were anyone else, Damien would just kinda stand around all 😔👉👈 because hes way too shy to interfere

but if its Mark? oh FUCK no get away from my darling you fucking rat of a man

he comes up behind you, looking pissed at Mark. Mark has no idea why

so Damien just has to roll his eyes, take your hand, and lead you away because he kinda hates it when Mark talks to you anyway especially if he’s flirting

hes a bit of a diva so you have to reassure him you were equally disgusted at the situation, and take his face in your hands and tell him you love him

he just wants to cuddle now

babey

❤️Actor Mark❤️

F U CK

this man will SLANDER whoever tries to flirt with you

and honestly who would try ???? you guys are constantly all over each other so maybe they’re just a homewrecker idk

i cant really think of an ego who would if we’re still in WKM times, bc Damien is just too shy to flirt anyway

so just any random mf who comes into your vicinity and says anything remotely flirtatious will summon Mark

its like a sixth sense honestly

he just doesn’t want you to leave him for someone else, he can’t go through that again….

since he’s a needy little bitch (affectionate) he just immediately comes up to you and hugs you so tight, kisses all over, and tells you he loves you

“oh, sorry, didn’t see you there! this is my PARTNER, y/n. 😁😁😁😁😁”

yeah i think they got the hint

💛Illinois💛

hes been on the receiving end of an angry person telling him to get the fuck away from their s/o

so he’s not really inclined to make the other person feel bad about it, as long as they’re respectful

but if they make you uncomfortable?

hes not against fighting them oops

but if you don’t want him to, he’ll gladly just get you out of the situation and get u comfortable and feeling safe again

the most mature of the egos about the whole thing honestly

a good boy

gives you all the kisses you could ever want so you know how much he loves you

hes also scared of losing you, but you’ve stayed with him for this long so why would you leave now?

lots of cuddles afterwards

🤍Yancy🤍

also a big babey

but a TOUGH big babey

since hes trying to be on his best behaviour, he’ll refrain from stabbing them

for now

he just kinda stands there with his arms crossed lookin all 😠😤 but inside hes 😥😖 because he really doesn’t wanna chance someone taking you away from him

he loves you so much and you’re one of the only people who doesn’t judge him for his past

youre his sweetheart, his babydoll, his honey

and hes yours

eventually the person gets the hint when the glaring gets real intense and you touch Yancy’s hand to get him to calm down a bit

then when they leave the conversation, Yancy immediately engulfs you in a hug and buries his face in your shoulder

kiss him please, he deserves it

he may confess to having a bit of an overreaction afterwards but you tell him it’s okay and you just wanna cuddle

🚀Engineer Mark🚀

literally everyone wants your attention, you’re the captain

and Mark tries to not let it get to him, but some people could really try and be a little more professional

i mean he’s one to talk since hes dating his boss but whatever

most members of the crew just want you tell them they’re doing good and they’re being helpful, but some want uhhh a little more than words to show them how good they’re doing

that’s when Mark gets a little mad

okay, more than a little mad

hes the first to scold whoever tries to get unprofessional with you since hes second in command

and they listen, most of the time

but sometimes they don’t and it becomes uncomfortable for you

that’s when Mark gives them a real telling off

they might get threatened a little

he just wants to protect you so bad

hes just a big pubby who loves you and will not risk your relationship for anything

after everything’s dealt with he wants kisses and cuddles to make him feel a lil better

also a babey

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hornime · 4 years ago

Text

watch and learn | iwaizumi hajime x f!reader x team japan

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

warnings: 18+, timeskip!everyone, BIG MANGA SPOILERS BASICALLY, exhibitionism, voyeurism, orgasm denial

w/c: 3.1k

a/n: now i don’t know if iwaizumi hajime (27) athletic trainer learned about female orgasms when he was studying sports science at irvine BUT he def knows how to show a girl a good time which is reason enough for me to write this. also, i read this article to prep for this piece and it was super enlightening, so i do recommend giving it a read if you’re interested!

in the middle of his morning run, iwaizumi slowed momentarily to check the repetitive buzzing of this phone, curious as to who was messaging him this early. when he’d left the apartment, you were sleeping, and you had the tendency to still be sleeping by the time he returned, so who else could it be?

he unlocked his phone, quickly finding the source of the notifications: the team japan group chat.

[06:43 AM] miya: hey @iwaizumi—you know stuff abt the human body right?

[06:43 AM] miya: cus like you studied it in college and shit??

iwaizumi rolled his eyes. i spent four years in america to earn my degree, came back home to support my country’s olympic team, and dealt with the biggest idiots of volleyball, only to get treated like this?

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: yes, miya. i took many courses on the human body. in fact that’s the purpose of my job. to know the human body. because i am a fucking athletic trainer.

[06:44 AM] miya: okay okay i get it. dumb question

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: why? is something up? you need help or anything?

[06:44 AM] miya: uhhh kinda

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata i’m not fucking asking this

[06:44 AM] bokuto: bro just do it

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata @hinata @hinata

iwaizumi cocked an eyebrow. what the hell are they going on about?

[06:45 AM] iwaizumi: so am i needed or...

[06:45 AM] hinata: YES

[06:45 AM] hinata: we had a question

[06:46 AM] sakusa: by “we” he means him, miya, and bokuto

[06:46 AM] suna: yeah don’t bring us into this

[06:46 AM] hinata: don’t listen to them! both suna and sakusa wanna know too

[06:46 AM] iwaizumi: okay. what’s up

[06:47 AM] hinata: we wanted to know how to make a girl cum

he chuckled in disbelief.

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: you’re telling me that you guys are in your mid-20s, literal olympic athletes, and you don’t know how to make a girl cum

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: have you never done it before??

[06:47 AM] miya: NO

[06:47 AM] miya: FOR THE RECORD IVE MADE MANY GIRLS CUM

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ME TOO

[06:48 AM] bokuto: i think

he laughed out loud, briefly startling another runner on the sidewalk.

[06:48 AM] iwaizumi: you guys are unbelievable

[06:48 AM] hinata: i mean she says she finished but idk what i did to make that happen

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ^^

[06:48 AM] hinata: so like i wanna know how to actually do it

[06:48 AM] suna: actually im kinda interested in this too

[06:48 AM] aran: i pray for your future girlfriends. this is painful to see. im out

[06:48 AM] kageyama: i’m with aran on this one. you guys are dumb

[06:48 AM] hinata: shut up. you suck.

[06:48 AM] miya: cmon iwaizumi, help a guy out

[06:48 AM] sakusa: it wouldnt hurt for you to give us some pointers at least

iwaizumi sighed.

[06:49 AM] iwaizumi: @miya @hinata @bokuto @suna @sakusa meet in the locker room after practice. ill give you guys a lesson in the art of pleasing a woman

to teach effectively, he needed a volunteer, though he was sure you wouldn’t need much convincing. you’d always loved the attention, and the biceps, of the pro athletes. he spun on his heel and jogged home.

you woke up to the sound of your apartment door opening, your boyfriend creeping inside, forehead damp with sweat.

“hey,” you said quietly, making your way towards him.

“hey, baby. sorry for waking you up, i was trying to be quiet.”

you giggled sleepily. “s’okay, haji. you spoil me too much anyway, always letting me sleep in for hours while you’re off doing god knows what.”

at that, his eyes crinkled in amusement, and as you tried to step into a hug, he shuffled back. “woah there, baby. i gotta shower, ‘m all gross from my run. and then,” he gave you a peculiar look that you couldn’t quite place, “i got a proposition for you.”

after his shower, he waltzed out of the bathroom, steam wafting out from behind the door. his tanned body made you feel things you definitely shouldn’t be barely an hour after the sun’s risen, and you reached out to massage the tension in his shoulders. “so, what’s your proposition?”

“well,” he hesitated. “it’s a bit... unconventional. the team asked me to show them how to make a girl cum,” he took in your intrigued expression. “and it’d be a lot easier to explain if i had someone to do a live demonstration with. so,” his eyes flicked up to you. “that’s where you’d come in.”

“a... live demonstration? like you’re gonna make me cum in front of them?”

“yeah, essentially.” he gave you a devilish grin. “you want that, baby? wanna show those boys how a real man treats a gorgeous woman like you?”

you rubbed your thighs at his words. “yeah,” you purred. “i do. wanna show them how good you are to me.”

and that’s how you found yourself nestled between iwaizumi’s muscled thighs, back pressed against his chest, completely naked, with five of japan’s best volleyball players staring at your body in awe.

practically an expert in his field, iwaizumi knew the human body inside and out. this had many benefits; of course it allowed him to catapult up the ranks and work with the country’s best athletes to keep them at the top of their game, but it also had a unique side effect: an overwhelming vault of knowledge on how to make a woman feel good anywhere.

you’d seen the proof firsthand; he knew exactly where to push, prod, stroke, and tease to have you cumming in seconds, over and over, as many times as you wanted. he was amazing, and you were well-aware just how lucky you were to have such a talented man in the sheets.

“oi,” iwaizumi snapped his fingers, drawing each of the players’ eyes away from your glistening cunt. “pay attention. i know more than anybody that she’s hot as fuck, but you gotta listen to what i’m saying or else there’s no point to this.”

he lightly pressed his lips against your collarbone, slowly tracing them against your jaw, the contact making you squirm. “if you wanna make a girl cum, first thing you gotta do is make her comfortable. if she’s worried about how she looks or sounds or smells she’s gonna be too stressed to let go.” he moved his hands to grope your tits, his calloused fingers brushing over your hardening nipples. “so reassure her, tell her how irresistible she is, how pretty her moans are, how tasty her pussy is. shit like that. the sexier she feels the better it’ll be.”

he leaned into you, whispering into your ear. “feeling good, baby? we can stop whenever.”

you nodded weakly, afraid to open your mouth, barely holding in your whines as his palms worked wonders on your chest and stomach, sending shocks of heat wherever they touched.

you craned your neck up to observe the men before you. atsumu was flushed red, wringing his hands as if he was worried they’d do something embarrassing if he didn’t keep them occupied. hinata was bouncing his leg up and down, wiping his palms on his shorts as he took in the plushness of your thighs. bokuto was basically drooling, greedily tracing your soft curves with his eyes. suna maintained his indifferent expression, but the reddening tips of his ears showed that he was a lot more hot and bothered than he let on. sakusa stood quietly to the side, leaning against the wall, mask tucked under his chin as if he’d just realized how much the temperature had gone up in the room.

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

"make sure to try different things; there’s multiple ways to make a woman cum. only like a quarter of women experience orgasms just from penetration,” someone made a sound of shock. “yes, the number is that small, bokuto.”

his fingertip slowly trailed past your belly button, dipping into the mess between your thighs, causing you to slightly arch your back into the solid chest supporting you. “foreplay with the clit is your best bet; even stupid fucks like you probably wouldn’t screw it up too bad.”

hinata opened his mouth to speak, but iwaizumi anticipated his question and continued.

“i know you’re wondering where the clit is. it’s around here, under this hood of skin,” he slid his digit between your labia. “s’not gonna come with a label so you gotta explore a little bit. i know where hers is like the back of my hand, but for you guys, with your girls, you’re gonna have to move your fingers around. slowly. and pay attention to her expressions.” he began to rub in a circular motion around your clit, causing you to make small whimpers of pleasure and shift your hips to meet his movements.

“if she clenches up or twitches when you feel a certain spot, like this,” your legs flexed as he increased the pressure, “that’s the clit. be kind, it’s not a volleyball. be gentle n’ make small circles, whether it’s with your fingers or your tongue.”

he thought for a second. “speaking of which, oral’s important. very important. most women cum when they’ve been eaten out, so use your mouths for something more useful than just dirty talk. suck on the clit, maybe tongue-fuck her a ‘lil, but your main focus should always be the clit.”

he removed his hands from your sopping pussy, and you made a pathetic noise of frustration. “’m sorry, baby,” he muttered seductively in your ear. “don’t wanna have you finishing too early. lesson’s barely started.”

he turned his attention back to your audience, his lustful tone being replaced by a more instructional one. “there’s other places that’ll help a woman orgasm, too: her nipples, her neck, her ears—”

“her ears?” sakusa questioned. he blushed profusely as everyone turned to look at him, surprised that he’d opened his mouth. “what? we were all thinking it.”

“s’a valid question,” iwaizumi said. “yeah, you can lick ‘em if they’re sensitive. hers are.” as if to prove his statement, he licked a stripe on the shell of you ear, making you wiggle helplessly at the stimulation. “‘n leave kisses everywhere else. feels good for them just like it does for us.” he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him and forcing your movements to stop as he traced patterns with his tongue all around your neck.

“something you should know about an orgasm is that it’s something called a positive feedback loop.” he looked up and was met with five blank stares. shouldn’t have expected anything from these dumb jocks, he lamented. “basically that means that, once you start releasing sexual tension, things will feel better and better until you climax.”

“oh!” atsumu chirped. “like how my sets get better and better throughout a game.”

“no, not really,” he quipped. “your sets suck throughout.” atsumu frowned at that.

iwaizumi exhaled exasperatedly. “the general idea is that the body gets more and more sensitive, muscle contractions become more and more frequent, and touches feel more and more stimulating until you cum. all right?”

they all made noises of understanding except for bokuto and hinata, whose eyes had glazed over at the first mention of an academic term. whatever, iwaizumi thought. they’ll get it through example.

"don’t worry about it too much if you don’t get it, that’s just an orgasm on paper. in practice, though, this is the crucial step: listen to her. she knows what feels good. never forget that you’re just an idiot with a cock.” he took a breath, gathering his thoughts before proceeding with his lecture.

“if she tells you to slow down, you slow down. if she tells you to go harder, you go harder. if she tells you to keep doing what you’re doing, you...”

“keep doing what you’re doing”, they all chimed in at staggered times.

“that’s right. don’t go faster or else you’ll mess up the rhythm and she won’t cum. and you wanna make her cum, don’t you?”

they nodded simultaneously.

“so if you keep up the tempo and force that feels good to her, you’ll be fine. questions?”

suna spoke up. “what about,” he choked on the word. “penetration?”

hinata hummed in agreement and bokuto jumped in. “yeah, what if i wanna make her cum on my cock?”

iwaizumi made a weird face. “that’s some pretty advanced stuff, but i guess i can go over it. when you try it, though, you have to be patient. with both of your bodies. s’not rocket science but s’not always easy. also it depends on the woman but sometimes she physically won’t be able to finish from penetration alone. just make sure you’re communicating.”

his swirled two fingers over your hole before shoving them in, your wetness making it easy for him to thrust in and out as your entrance stretched to accommodate him. “f—fuck!” your eyes flew open at the intrusion and you body lurched forward, but you were held back by his strong forearm. “ohmygod, oh my g—ah! feels s’good haji, s’good!”

“i know, baby, i know. you’re taking it so well.” he turned his attention back to the men, each of who were gulping heavily. if that didn’t signal to you that they were evidently affected by your moans, the way they shifted in their workout shorts did.

“boys, focus.” he curled his fingertips, brushing at the spongy spot at the top of your walls, ripping a pleasured wail from your throat and causing tears to prick at your eyelashes. “when you’re fingering her, you’ll feel an area inside that’s a bit soft and squishy. that’s the g-spot.”

you trembled in his arms as he mercilessly struck the same place over and over again with his fingers. “when you’re fucking her, try to keep the pressure building there, but it’ll be harder to make her finish since you can’t see what you’re doing.”

your breath hitched as iwaizumi’s incessant movements brought your body tantalizingly close to your release. he suddenly stopped and you almost sobbed in disappointment, until he plunged his fingers impossibly deeper.

a guttural scream of ecstasy came from within you, and your eyes rolled back as he began playing with another part of you, your body putty in his hands. “hngh, haji, ah! so good, s’good...” you threw your hands back around his neck, nails digging into the skin as you desperately tried to keep yourself grounded. your soft moans filled the air.

“stop clenching,” he hissed. “can barely move my hand.” you tried to relax but failed miserably as the tips of his fingers grazed your cervix.

“holy fuck,” suna muttered. “you’re a god.”

“she sounds so pretty,” atsumu said in amazement.

“i wanna make a girl feel good like that, too!” bokuto sulked.

“you can do it, bokuto!” hinata hit him on the arm. “just listen to iwaizumi. clearly he knows what he’s talking about.”

their eyes refocused on your figure, writhing in pleasure, prompting white hot waves of arousal to pool in their stomachs.

“yeah,” sakusa said. “clearly.”

“stop talking,” iwaizumi ordered. “and listen. beyond the g-spot is the cervix, which is basically the end of the vagina. if you’re long enough,” he briefly scanned each of their faces, “which i’m sure you are, you’ll be able to reach it if you bottom out.”

“haji—hajime, please.” the stimulation was coming absolutely unbearable, and you could tell he was sadistically holding you at the edge, refusing to give you the satisfaction of finishing. “lemme cum, please. please lemme cum, please, please, i can’t—i can’t take it ‘nymore!”

“what was that? you can’t take it anymore? gonna cum?” you helplessly bobbed your head up and down, hoping that he’d give you permission. “well,” he growled, “we can’t have that happening, can we?”

he abruptly halted his thrusts, pulling his fingers out of you with an embarrassing squelch and popping them into his mouth. pearly tears rolled down your cheeks as you grieved the loss of contact and relief.

your viewers looked on in horror, feeling immense sympathy for you; you just looked so dejected from being denied yet another orgasm.

“why didn’t you—why didn’t you let her cum?” bokuto asked.

“why do you think?” iwaizumi snapped. “don’t want you guys to see her when she does. that’s for me, and only me.”

“oh, okay,” he responded, disgruntlement clear in his voice.

iwaizumi’s glare could cut glass, it was so sharp. the possessiveness that had enveloped his mind made him hyperfocus on just one thought: being alone with you. “so, any other questions? if not, we’re done here.”

you pouted at that, not wanting the demonstration to be over. “but haji,” you mumbled into his collarbone. “i di’nt get to cum. and i wanna.” you looked up at him, eyes wide with want. “please make me cum.”

iwaizumi sent a harsh glance to the players that nonverbally communicated his message loud and clear: get out. they shuffled awkwardly out of the locker room due to the hardness between their legs that they would most definitely need to deal with soon.

your boyfriend turned his attention back to you. “’m sorry, i know i had to deny you a bunch of times. i just really hated the idea of anyone but me seeing the cute way you look when you cum.”

you made a small noise of acknowledgement and a little whisper of it’s okay, haji. he looked down, sensing the way your poor, desperate cunt was pulsing around nothing, the erotic sight injecting him with the pure need to ravage you.

he shifted his head to kiss you passionately. “why don’t i make it up to you?” he breathed between your parted lips before picking you up by the backs of your thighs, forcing you to lock your ankles around his waist.

he delicately situated you onto one of the recovery beds at the back of the room, before murmuring something that made your pussy throb in anticipation: “i’ll make you cum whichever way you want, however many times you want, all right? all you gotta do is lay back and take it.”

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