#also i just had a discussion with my doctor about antidepressants and i have a question about your experience if thats okay?

[positivelyadhd]

Hello!! I apologize I've been inactive I have been at WORK but I miss this blog and I hope you are all doing well!!

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam, could you please recommend any resources/websites to learn about ADHD medication? Until reading your post about second-line meds I thought Adderal was the only one

I can definitely talk about it a little! Always bearing in mind that I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice, etc. etc.

So, I've had many friends with ADHD in my life before I got my diagnosis and I picked up some stuff from them even before getting diagnosed; I also spoke with my prescribing psychiatrist about options when we met. If you think your psychiatrist might be resistant to discussing options, or you don't have one, doing your own research is good, but it's not really a substitute for a specialist in medication management. So it's also important to know what your needs are -- ie, "I want help with my executive function but I need something that's nonaddictive" or "I want something nonsedative" or "I don't think the treatment I'm on is working, what is available outside of this kind of medication?"

The problems you run into with researching medication for ADHD are threefold:

Most well-informed sources aren't actually geared towards non-doctor adults who just want to know what their options are -- they're usually either doctors who don't know how to talk about medication to non-doctors, or doctors (and parents) talking to parents about pediatric options.

A huge number of sites when you google are either AI-generated, covert ads for stimulant addiction rehab, or both.

Reliable sites with easy-to-understand information are not updated super often.

So you just kind of have to be really alert and read the "page" itself for context clues -- is it a science journal, is it an organization that helps people with ADHD, is it a doctor, is it a rehab clinic, is it a drug advertiser, is it a random site with a weird URL that's probably AI generated, etc.

So for example, ADDitude Magazine, which is kind of the pre-eminent clearinghouse for non-scholarly information on ADHD, is a great place to start, but when the research is clearly outlined it sometimes isn't up-to-date, and when it's up-to-date it's often a little impenetrable. They have an extensive library of podcast/webinars, and I started this particular research with this one, but his slides aren't super well-organized, he flips back and forth between chemical and brand name, and he doesn't always designate which is which. However, he does have a couple of slides that list off a bunch of medications, so I just put those into a spreadsheet, gleaned what I could from him, and then searched each medication. I did find a pretty good chart at WebMD that at least gives you the types and brand names fairly visibly. (Fwiw with the webinar, I definitely spent more time skimming the transcript than listening to him, auto transcription isn't GOOD but it is helpful in speeding through stuff like that.)

I think, functionally, there are four types of meds for ADHD, and the more popular ones often have several variations. Sometimes this is just for dosage purposes -- like, if you have trouble swallowing pills there are some meds that come in liquids or patches, so it's useful to learn the chemical name rather than the brand name, because then you can identify several "brands" that all use the same chemical and start to differentiate between them.

Top of the list you have your methylphenidate and your amphetamine, those are the two types of stimulant medications; the most well known brand names for these are Ritalin (methylphenidate) and Adderall (amphetamine).

Then there's the nonstimulant medications, SNRIs (Strattera, for example) and Alpha-2 Agonists (guanfacine and clonidine, brand names Kapvay and Intuniv; I'm looking at these for a second-line medication). There's some crossover between these and the next category:

Antidepressants are sometimes helpful with ADHD symptoms as well as being helpful for depression; I haven't looked at these much because for me they feel like the nuclear option, but it's Dopamine reuptake inhibitors like Wellbutrin and tricyclics like Tofranil. If you're researching these you don't need to look at like, every antidepressant ever, just look for ones that are specifically mentioned in context with ADHD.

Lastly there are what I call the Offlabels -- medications that we understand to have an impact on ADHD for some people, but which aren't generally prescribed very often, and sometimes aren't approved for use. I don't know much about these, either, because they tend to be for complex cases that don't respond to the usual scrips and are particularly difficult to research. The one I have in my notes is memantine (brand name Namenda) which is primarily a dementia medication that has shown to be particularly helpful for social cognition in people with combined Autism/ADHD.

So yeah -- hopefully that's a start for you, but as with everything online, don't take my word for it -- I'm also a lay person and may get stuff wrong, so this is just what I've found and kept in my notes. Your best bet truly is to find a psychiatrist specializing in ADHD medication management and discuss your options with them. Good luck!

[aitadjcrazytimes]

Hi, I saw your tags:

I was wondering. Um. Would you be comfortable sharing what other symptoms you have?

I've had memory problems for years but every time I look them up I just get stuff like alzheimers and car crashes and stuff, which doesnt apply. Idk

I was wondering if this might be me also. I'll talk to a doctor, of course, but. Just wondering what the general vibe is

Sure! Though, be aware, if you Can get evaluated for your symptoms you probably should, at least to make sure it isn't degenerative.

Via-a-vis the ABI (That's Acquired Brain Injury), part of the reason it took so long to diagnose is because

I already have a different diagnosis of cEDS (Classical Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) that explained several of my other symptoms

I have GAD and PTSD due to living in a very abusive and dangerous environment up until about 5 months ago, and

At least two of my family members are autistic, so it was just kind of vaguely assumed that any weirdness regarding my sensory processing and so on was because of that.

So! To summarize (and I put this below a cut because it gets Long).

Chiari Malformation is when you have a defect in the base of your skull that puts pressure on your cerebellum, causing part of it to go into your spinal column. Many people with this condition don't experience any symptoms, but that is not always the case, and even with no symptoms, it does place you at a much higher risk for a brain injury. With a Chiari Malformation, even a mild concussion can cause serious damage.

I have had several concussions, with one of them knocking me out for several minutes when I was very young. So. Here we are.

Regarding treatments for Chiari, most of what can be done is simply treating the symptoms. Unless there is concern about the condition getting worse (more memory loss, paralysis, etc.), patients will likely be referred elsewhere to discuss pain management, because from my understanding, the only effective treatment for Chiari is a decompression surgery, which will remove part of your skull to take pressure off the brain. It's not terribly risky as brain surgeries go, but the best brain surgery is, of course, no brain surgery.

Re my Physical symptoms:

I get headaches very frequently, and often very severely. They have been categorized as migraines in the past, because they come with severe light and sound sensitivity, and they tend to knock me out for hours. That said, they don't meet all the criteria for a migraine, including having no aura to speak of. They are often triggered by strain and jostling my head--by coughing, sneezing, vomiting, jumping, or anything that would cause motion sickness.

I have poor balance. I have found that walking with a cane helps, but physical therapy doesn't do all that much (because it's in my brain and not my muscles).

I also struggle with chronic fatigue. Getting out of bed is a real struggle most days, as is getting anything done outside of simply going to work and then coming home--although I recently went on an antidepressant, which has helped a bit.

Insomnia! I have trouble sleeping. It comes and goes, sometimes I get several days worth of restful sleep, but sometimes I get only a few hours worth of sleep over the course of a week.

Shooting and burning pain in back of skull, neck, spine, shoulders, and chest. Be careful with this one, because this can also be a result of a heart issue. That said, I've had my heart checked out, and that's all good, which is why they checked the brain in the first place.

As for my cognitive symptoms, it's a bit fuzzier, because like I said before, I have PTSD, I have the ABI, I have GAD, several of my family members are somewhere on the autism spectrum, and now my therapist is also having me evaluated for OSDD. So, your mileage may vary. But essentially:

Memory loss. Some of it is retrograde, and I have found that I'll forget significant events and people. Most of it is anterograde, or short term--so, forgetting what a conversation is about while I'm in the middle of a sentence, and either having to improvise and try to make a guess as to what I was talking about, or having to have my conversation partner walk back what we were talking about to explain what we were doing. I have to have a very detailed and elaborate task tracker at work in order to stay on top of things, or I would simply forget it all. I also have the experience of feeling like all of my memories are stories that were told to me. So, I rarely experience a memory as a thing that happened to me, complete with sights and sounds and feelings and sensations and so on, but more like a story that someone told to me once. So, a vague recollection of events and the order in which they happened. This makes it difficult to differentiate between my own memories and stories that other people have told me. It has happened a few times that I have told a story of something that happened to me, only to find out that it actually happened to the person I was talking to instead, and I just got confused.

I'm not sure what to call this one, but I get EXTREMELY easily distracted from processing audio, especially in an environment with more than one thing happening. If I am having a verbal conversation with someone in a restaurant, and someone comes and sits at the table next to us and starts talking, I become almost incapable of conversation. If I'm talking to someone and someone turns on the TV in the next room, I become almost incapable of conversation. If music is playing, I lose track of the conversation. I forget everything I was saying. I won't be able to understand what other people are saying. Spending time in loud, busy, or crowded environments is not that distressing by itself, but I will not be able to hold a conversation.

Aphasia and Verbal Processing. It is incredibly difficult for me to put words together in a way that is coherent. It is significantly easier through writing, because I can look things up and take my time with it. But in vocal conversation, I will frequently have verbal shutdowns where I cannot find a word, and all of my language processing shuts down while I try to comprehend what I was talking about. This often leads to...

Fuzziness/Blurriness. I typically call this "going fuzzy". Generally it involves a verbal shutdown to an extent, where my brain has reached capacity with processing information, and is deciding to simply wipe everything and start over. Think of it like restarting a really old computer. Sometimes it doesn't take too terribly long--a few moments. Sometimes it takes more than half an hour. It depends. This is often accompanied by...

The Buzzing™--It happens for me at the base of the skull, where the injury is. It feels like a tuning fork fused to the inside of my skull. It is completely maddening. My ears ring, and it sounds like a high pitched whining noise. I become very on edge, it's incredibly anxiety inducing, and very overwhelming. I don't know if this is a common symptom you will be able to find under brain injuries, but it's Extremely not fun! I have found that it can be lessened somewhat with massaging the area.

The Voices™: I have heard voices ever since I was a kid. (Schizophrenia has already been ruled out.) Sometimes, it Is an actual auditory hallucination. I recently had an experience where I was grocery shopping and kept flinching because it sounded like someone was shouting my name directly into my ear. Other times, I've heard people whispering or knocking on my walls. These typically occur during or following a stressful situation. HOWEVER, I also experience The Voices™ in my daily life outside of stressful situations. In these situations, it is never auditory, more just a thing that occurs in my own head. I have, in the past, had the experience of talking more or less constantly to one or several distinct people in my head. Nowadays, it feels more like experiencing multiple trains of thought or multiple sets of emotions which feel distinct from "mine". Or feeling like a background voice in my head while someone else does things for me.

Per my therapist, I have recently begun categorizing them as different people to see if that helps. And it does sometimes! And sometimes it does not. It is a process. But that's where I am with that.

There's more to it, but I don't really have the capacity to talk about it much more than I have at the moment.

If you want to see what my experience with this is like... I mean. I did write an entire fanfiction about a character with several of my symptoms recently. You likely won't have the context for what is going on re the character and the situation unless you are into Red vs. Blue, but just in case it helps to see a recounting of it, here:

The Fanfiction That Helped Me Realize I Had Brain Damage™. Have fun!

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

Your writing is so wonderful! I love it so much 💕 If and only if you are feeling up to it, could you do headcanons for the Papas and how they would react to a reader struggling with finding the right antidepressants? I went through four different brands until I found what worked for me. But one made it so bad I would cry getting out of bed each morning, and of course I was too scared to talk to my doctor before my follow up appointment. So I barely left my room for nearly three months.

HI HELLO <3 I can definitely do this! As someone who had to change my antidepressants partway through my first year of university and having a nightmare getting used to them, I feel this to an extent. At one point the original ones I were on had me sleeping so little that I'd be struggling to focus and stay awake during lectures which kinda showed in my lower grades in one module compared to all the others. I cried a lot, my appetite was shite, and I was so experiencing such low points that I considered dropping out and not existing anymore. For anyone reading this and needs to hear this: don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about your medication. If you need to change what you're on, don't keep it to yourself and suffer. Please please PLEASE talk to a doctor, be open with your support network, don't go through it on your own. Mental health and changing medications can feel scary and daunting, but if it's what you need to improve your mental health and your wellbeing then please talk to your doctor and get them to try you out on different ones until you find the ones that are right for you. Also issuing a content warning here!! There is discussion of depression, mental health, and related issues. As such, if these things are triggers or make you uncomfortable please read with caution or scroll away!

𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐨

Being the eldest of the Emeritus brothers, Primo remembers before their mother left when the others were still babies and her mental health being awful

And he doesn't want you to suffer the way she did

So to him it's only right that he support you in finding the right antidepressants for you

He knows that it can time and that you may feel worse before you start to improve

He'll be there to comfort you any time you need him

Always makes you a refreshing cup of tea or coffee for you to wake up to every morning

Will gently coax you out of bed and encourage you, but he won't be mean and force you out or lose his patience

During times where you won't leave your room, he'll offer to stay with you or have one of his ghouls keep you company if you'd prefer that. He just doesn't want you to be alone or feel like you don't have a support network while you're going through this

𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨

He's not on antidepressants, but there are many people Secondo's close with in the clergy who are and he's seen how much they can improve one's life

So he's more than happy to help you explore your options and trial different ones until you find the ones that suit you the most

He's a little unprepared for what you're like when you first start them. Primo has to remind him that because of how a lot of antidepressants work, such as SSRI's (self serotonin re-uptake inhibitors), you'll feel more low at the start before you get used to the medication

Once Secondo does more research, he feels more confident that he can support you through it

Will be a little more firm than Primo and try to get you out of bed, but will comfort you through it and soothe you when you start crying

Will get in the shower with you to help you wash if you don't have the energy for it

He's at every doctor's appointment you have with your doctor about changing the antidepressants you're on. Holds your hand through it, has helped you take notes, asks the doctor questions that you may be too afraid or reluctant to ask

Once you do find ones that suit you the best and you're settled with them, Secondo will apologise profusely for when he was stern with you. He feels guilty for making you cry when he made you get up every morning and he wants to reassure you that he was trying to help in his own way

𝐓𝐞𝐫𝐳𝐨

Terzo has been through a similar experience with Copia when he first started antidepressants and struggled to find the right ones for him

So trust me, he gets it

He understands very well that you don't have the energy or motivation to get out of bed and take care of yourself and he's prepared for that, especially when he knows that you'll feel worse before you feel better starting on new medications

He buys dry shampoo for when you don't have the spoons to get in the shower

Will help you wash and get dressed

Brings you food. Literally any food as long as you'll eat it and get some nutrition

Sits with you and holds you every time you need to cry or vent or talk

He reassures you each time you need to start a new antidepressant that you will find the right one for you. Copia did and you will too and he's gonna be with you every step of the way whether you like it or not

𝐂𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐚

I don't think there's anyone at the Ministry who understands what you're going through better than Copia

Terzo helped him through when he had to try antidepressant after antidepressant, feeling each time he had to change that there was something wrong with him and that nothing would work

So Copia is going to be there for you too. He'll tell you all about his experience with different medications, but also reminds you that just because something doesn't work for him doesn't mean it won't work for you either

Holds you tight and whispers soothing words into your ear whenever you need to cry

He still has his notes from way back when he was trying out different antidepressants, so he fishes them back out from his personal records and shares them with you to remind you that you're not alone and that you're not the only one who's had to change medications

Like Terzo, he'll bring you dry shampoo and help you to wash and dress on those days where it feels like too much but you need to get out of bed

Uses Imperator's soft spot for him to have you pardoned from chores and sibling of sin duties on days where you have no energy or motivation to get up whatsoever

To help you through it, he'll change what time he takes his meds so that you both take them at the same time. Sort of like a solidarity thing and to encourage you to look after yourself by seeing him look after himself too

𝐍𝐢𝐡𝐢𝐥

The thing about Nihil is people believe he's heartless, but he's not

He remembers everything his Prime Mover went through. He remembers how much her mental health deteriorated after having Secondo and Terzo and how the ritual to conceive and birth the latter took a massive toll on her already bad mental state

He wasn't there for her, instead preoccupying himself with the distraction that other women provided, and he buried his head in the sand until she fled the Ministry never to be seen again

That isn't a mistake he'll be making again. He's going to be with you every step of the way, even if Primo and his other sons have to teach him how to be there for you and remind him that you need his support and not just words of reassurance occasionally

He'll attend your appointments with you and will listen intently to everything that you and the doctor says

He is unfortunately quite stern and mean and will be very stubborn in getting you out of bed. He's not doing it to be intentionally cruel, he's just terrified that you'll get to the point his Prime Mover did and he'll do anything he can to stop that happening

He has his ghouls help you wash your hair, bathe, dress, prepare and eat food, bring you drinks, whatever you need

He takes a leaf out of Copia's book and will take his own various medications at the same time you take yours so that you're not doing it alone and you don't feel like you have no support. He's bad at expressing his feelings, but he tries to show you how he feels and that he's supporting you all the way with actions rather than words

[rosethornewrites]

I saw my new PCP on Monday and got the fun job of explaining my conditions. I’ve previously had doctors who ignored my needs or told me to lose weight, so it’s scary to have to try to convince them that, yes, I am very sick, too sick to work, but I don’t want to be that sick. I miss working. I miss keeping my mind engaged.

So I decided to preface everything with, “You know, a year ago I was a professor at a state university, living in my own apartment. Before I got sick I used to go to a ton of events and travel places. And I spent so much energy pushing through to try to keep going that I burned myself out. Now I am in so much pain and have so much brain fog that even getting out of bed is a challenge. It feels like my life has crumbled around me, and I want to get it back.”

And then I discussed my medical history, what I’ve done to get treatment so far (getting on Medicaid, getting a behavioral health specialist, a dermatologist, a rheumatologist, etc., all involving dozens of phone calls each just to find someone who specializes), the setbacks I’ve faced and how it’s changed how I face seeking healthcare (that all my providers are women is not an accident), and the medications I’m currently taking and what they’re for. How I discovered I can’t have sulfa antibiotics.

It’s a lot—just the medications, I take a biologic injection every two weeks, 2 anxiety medications, an antidepressant that also helps with fibromyalgia, a controlled substance for my pain (NOT an opioid), a medication to control my insulin resistance, an anti-inflammatory, a low dose of antibiotics, and blood pressure medication. Oh right, and birth control, which is supposed to help with the HS. That’s just the prescriptions—I take OTCs and supplements that are meant to help keep my conditions under control because I researched copiously while trying to push through.

How long it took me to be diagnosed with HS (despite telling my PCP at the time I thought I had it, I was diagnosed on sight by a gynecologist two years later, who then referred me to a dermatologist), and the story of how I realized something was terribly fucked up with my body. The struggles with pain. How I take cannabis but hate that it doesn’t allow me to have a clear mind. The years of insomnia, which is a symptom of multiple conditions I have.

I have so many horror stories about my health that my horror stories have horror stories, and those are fun to relate, in graphic detail so they know exactly how bad it is.

It’s this fucked up cycle of having to convince a doctor you’re sick (apparently they don’t want to believe you if you say you are) and actually get treatment, except you get stuck on step 1 because everything must be weight-related and therefore I should just lose weight.

I been fat my whole life. This other shit is new. Catch up.

But then they get mad if you’re “difficult” aka advocating for your health.

Knowing that nearly everyone with chronic illnesses goes this, and even worse than me typically, is distressing.

I knew my chronic pain was fibromyalgia because my mom struggles with it and eventually got diagnosed after being told half her life it was in her head. I was lucky. I have to consider inheriting a debilitating illness from my mom lucky because at least I knew what it was from her experiences.

Every new doctor I see, I feel like I have to vet for egotism because that’s generally the mark of a hot dog who won’t listen or care.

All I really want is treatment so I can maybe get my life back.

[goodstimoftheday]

Please only read if you feel in a safe place to do so

Under the cut discusses suicidal thoughts, food restriction and abuse

Summary is: I hope I can come back to posting one day, but I'll have to be in a much different place and it will take a lot to get to that other place

I've always been what someone would call a melancholy person, it's a well told tale in my family that at the age of six I was in the room when a news report about depression came on and I asked my parents if I had that. It is also a well told tale that I'd first said I wanted to die at age four. An event that apparently put my mum on antidepressants from the shock and sorrow that her young child would say that but I didn't get help until I was seven. I was informally diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum at nine and formally diagnosed at 10 with mild autism after I failed the IQ test that determined whether you had asperger's as this was before it was a defunct diagnosis. I still remember the disappointment that hung in the air in the psychologists room. I was clever, but not clever enough. They then said I was too young to diagnose as depressed, and with time and The Book I would adapt to the world and no longer be depressed by it. And with that diagnosis and The Book, me and my parents were cut adrift to 'deal' with my mind.

The Book was a horrible thing that explained how to cope with autistic traits and train them out of your child. It wouldn't be until I was 19 that I found and read The Book for myself and recognised all the ways my parents had hurt me had come from this very book.

I never did get less depressed and I still never got diagnosed, therapists telling me everyone has depressive symptoms these days.

My mum has never had a good body image, in truth she should have probably been diagnosed with dysmorphia long ago but she refuses to go to the doctors about it, instead wallowing in the cruel world of diets that insist she just has no willpower. But somewhere in her mind she is angry and used that anger like a knife to carve me into her idea of perfection. I remember well at age five finding a key ring from weightwatchers that was fun to play with and she told me one day I'd have to go there because I had her genes. But as my autistic tongue refused more foods and I became old enough to fight back from being pinned down to my chair and force fed, and instead left hungry, because that way I would learn to be grateful for my food, it was clear I was very thin. And my mum loved this. She dressed me in all the clothes she wished she could have worn as a child and told me as my sensory issues begged her not to put the itchy sparkly tights on me again and my dim first pangs of gender dysphoria screamed as she said to do things ladylike.

Unlike some, when I reach the crushing depths of depression, I find no comfort in food. My mouth goes dry and so all I eat feels like sand and sawdust and tastes much the same. My mum loved this, though she would never admit to it consciously. As I got older and bought my own food at school or on days out, my body would plump up and I seemed to be less interesting to my mum but then the depression depths would pull me down again and I would shed weight and all of a sudden I would be beautiful, clever and deserving of presents at random because I 'was special'.

At eighteen I met someone who would become my partner for three and a half years. Some of you from my old blog would remember them. I loved them and parts of me, much to my shame, still do.

I most likely have OSDD. But for whatever reason the NHS doesn't like to diagnose this. In the course of my therapy I have taken the dissociative quotient about three times with very consistent scores that lay between that of C-PTSD and DID. So rather than diagnosing me with the disorder that sits between those two disorders, OSDD, I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD with extreme depersonalisation.

The first person to recognise this with in me was my first ever partner and whether consciously or unconsciously, they used my dissociative symptoms against me. It's hard to type but I was abused by them. I loved them, still love them sometimes, so much. I would have given them the world but they hurt me and then threw me away like I was nothing when they found someone younger and in the same country. I won't say what they did to me, only my closest friends and my therapist know, and I wish to keep it that way. It was a quiet abuse and with my dissociation that I couldn't recognise, I couldn't see the hurt until around six months after they left me.

So in the time my dissociation painted the world as bright and sunny, the parts experiencing the abuse locked away from my knowledge, I gained a lot of weight. I was an adult now, free to choose my own meals. I actually love being fat, I felt warm and happy and my body was so lovely to stim with. That's something that makes my heart sing about Aziraphale, from Good Omens, he enjoys food and I can really empathise with feeling like he's doing something wrong when people point out his enjoyment.

But my mum didn't like that, not one bit. I became the family disappointment. 'Weight problems' were discussed like a family curse. And I was uplifted as the exception, like I was there to break that curse. But my body after years of being under fed clung to the happiness of eating food I liked and showed it in my body.

After my partner left me I fell into a deep deep depression. They had hurt me in a way and used my brain in such a way that I felt like air had been taken from me. I felt like was going to die. I wanted to die. They told me I would die without them. I lost a lot of weight very very quickly and my mum was so happy, she could barely disguise it as she attempted to comfort me about the hurt my ex had done to me as I slowly realised it.

She finally bought me a new binder after using the same one for over a year, new trousers and other things. I was interesting again.

I got with another person, far too soon. He was sweet but also out of his depth with the trauma I was only just realising I had. I broke up with him after seven months, something he didn't understand at all and I felt so guilty, I felt like my abuser. But unlike my abuser I tried to remain friends, I knew how strong love could be and tearing it up was too much I knew. But in those seven months, I regained a little weight. My parents, both of them now, didn't like this.

So began now, the months of teetering on the edge of starvation. Some days I have only a snack to get me by, other's I'm allowed two hot meals. Without a job and disability benefit since 19, I have had to just resort to here. But this weird food restriction that is there some days and then gone the next has really taken a toll on my mind. I've been in this position since September 2021. Two years now of this. My dissociation is worse, my depression is worse. I don't feel real most days. And still I have flashbacks to my ex and early childhood on top of this. I don't know what to do.

That person around April and May I was talking about? I wanted to be boyfriends with him so badly but my parents made me stop dating him as I'd already put on five pounds. He was so sweet and I had to lie to him and say I didn't see the relationship going anywhere as my mum stood over me to text him. I'm fucking 25 and I can't date a guy because he keeps me happy and plump. My mum hates fat so much that I can't even explore a relationship with a guy beyond a couple of months anymore because it makes me too happy for her liking. Because with my body happiness is being fat.

I'm saying all this because I don't know how to carry on here on this blog. I try so hard to see the good in every day but I'm living with those scary deep sea creatures at the moment. I feel like very soon I'll have forgotten what the light looks like.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Hope is Dangerous...

A machine elf woke me up this morning.

(Link has description penned by the ethno-botanist who named the phenomenon.)

Now, I have already heard of them, and I know what they're supposed to sound like, so if my half-sleeping brain wanted to produce one for me, it has instructions. Also, I'm operating on 1.5 hours of sleep right now, tops. Consciousness gets gooey under these levels of stress. Scientifically, this is a useless experience.

Nevertheless, a loud, excited, unintelligible gabble - distinct in that way from Disney-esque squirrel-speak - woke me from fitful dreams. And then the spouse came in and told me it was about time to get ready for my fateful doctor appointment.

I've had thyroid issues for at least three decades, probably born with them. My number was low (standard panels only check one, of three), they threw enough Synthroid at me to get the number into "normal range" and never gave me a diagnosis. I still had symptoms, nobody cared. They tried to treat my anxiety with antidepressants - which never worked. Because my thyroid number was "normal," you see. Of course, I was gaining weight because I didn't eat properly and exercise, even though none of the diets and exercises worked either. My thyroid number was "normal." I was just a lazy liar!

My "family doctor" (I'm lucky to have one!) "prescribed" megadoses of iodine, and sea kelp, and a ketogenic diet. I begged him to send me to an endocrinologist, almost from the first appointment. I told him the same story I've told you, plus more. Finally, my spouse accompanied me to an appointment and told him to give me the referral. He did, but I couldn't get an appointment with the thyroid specialist for months. Today was that appointment.

I have had so many doctors stop listening, glaze over, and do the minimum amount needed to get me out of the office. I've also had a bunch be very enthused about listening and helping me! Only to disengage and glaze over when it turns out the minimum amount doesn't cure me and I keep coming back asking for help. Pssht! Women! Am I right, fellas?

Today, this guy had run a full blood panel with all three numbers. For months in advance, I stopped taking all the useless supplements the "family doctor" pushed on me, to make sure the guy had an accurate result. The first thing that happened when I came to the office - a tech weighed me and checked how tall I am. THAT IS NOT A GOOD SIGN. I waited, expecting to hear, You have an unhealthy BMI, here's a diet, you need to exercise.

What I got, after some very sincere (seeming!) discussion was: "You have Hashimoto's, your immune system is attacking your thyroid, and you're probably one of the 5% of people who can't convert Synthroid to every type of thyroid hormone you need."

THIS IS HOW I SELF-DIAGNOSED YEARS AGO, BUT I NEVER GOT ANYONE TO LISTEN.

I told the doctor I'd tried Armour Thyroid, and it was wonderful, but I couldn't tolerate an effective dose. (I tried so hard to tolerate it! I split my dose, I built up to it, I worked for months, but the side effects didn't go away. It killed the anxiety I've lived with all my life. Boom! Gone! And then I had to stop taking it and, like a nightmare, over about a week, all that mental anguish came back.)

He said: "It might be the binding agent." THIS ALSO JIBED WITH MY RESEARCH! "Let's try it from a compounding pharmacy. If that doesn't work, get back in touch with me, there are more things we can try." Ha-ha, and also, bonus round: "No, don't take sea kelp, don't megadose with iodine, that can make your thyroid stop working altogether." And! "I'm going to talk to your doctor."

I AM VALID! But, I've heard that before. And when the first thing doesn't work, I lose all my traction. I am hoping so hard. Armour Thyroid did help, but if I can't tolerate it, I'm setting myself up for another Flowers for Algernon where my crippling anxiety goes away and comes right back.

Machine elves seem like they like us. The seem to have the ability to create beautiful things with words, and they're so jazzed to teach us how to do it, that they try to create this information into our heads all at once instead of slowing down to explain. I'm a writer. Broadly-speaking, that is also my jam, so I'm in favour of the little guys, real or imagined.

My dude - or genderless construct, or however you identify - if you're watching me right now, thanks for giving my reality a nudge towards something better. Now, for god's sake, keep it up!

[krawkpaladin]

Winning the Peace Dev Diary #3 - Characters and Communities (Pt. 2)

Well, this is getting up late but whatever. I blame the mix of having to taper (and then miraculously getting a refill so I have some more time to find a proper doctor) antidepressants and then starting to slowly fall ill over the weekend. You're not here for my personal life updates though, you're here for Dev Diary!

>Link to Dev Diary #2 / Pt. 1 Here<

So last week I talked about how you make Representatives, discussed character stats, and showed off an example character-move combination. I had intended to follow up with Communities, but ended up running out of time. So now, Communities!

Communities, just like Representatives, have four stats. Unlike the usual PbtA +/- 3, however, Community stats are also doing double work as what are effectively health pools, so they instead range from 1 to 6. This does affect Community moves, but I will get into that a bit later.

The Community Stats are as follows:

Size is the able-bodied population of the Community. Losing Size does not necessarily mean that people are dying or injured; it can also just be the populace withdrawing its support for the Community, or losing faith in the system.

Resources are the full breadth of material, funds, food, expertise, etc. available to the Community. Do not worry about defining these exactly. When an Event affects this stat, simply imagine the appropriate resource is in play.

Esprit represents the sense of identity and unity of the Community. A high Esprit means that the Community has a strong sense of cohesion and members are willing to support each other, while a low Esprit turns into a very dog-eat-dog faction.

Engagement represents the Community’s willingness to interact and mingle with other Communities. A high Engagement represents a Community seeing itself as part of the greater whole, while  a low Engagement manifests as insularity and xenophobia.

The plan is for each one of these stats to be affected by the events drawn from the Event Deck, while some stats (primarily Resources) can also be used to fuel some moves. Additionally, these stats are associated with different Community Moves that trigger explicitly as the result of voting outcomes, typically in response to stats going down or exceeding the maximum of 6. Part of the reason I want to have the system work in this way is so that the stat management is something that the players will want to keep in mind throughout the game.

Now, you probably noticed that the Community Stats run from 1 to 6, while the example Representative move I showed in the last Dev Diary still uses the -6 Miss, 7-9 Mixed Hit, 10+ Full Hit that's typical of PbtA systems. So are the ranges changing to accommodate the stat range? Well, no.

Instead, several moves call for the difference between two stats. For example, here's the move for when a single Community has to give up resources as the result of a vote:

From Each According to Their Ability: When your Community is the only one asked to give Resources for an Event, roll +(Engagement minus Esprit). On a 10+, gain 1 Esprit as the Community takes pride in meeting other's expectations. On a 7-9, lose 1 Engagement as the Community feels they are being taken advantage of. On 6 or lower, your Community refuses to contribute at all; the Event goes unresolved as if it had received no votes at all and no Resources are spent.

So in this case, if your Community has high Engagement and low Esprit, it's much more likely that you'll roll a hit. With the opposite stat distribution, it is much more likely that your Community will pull back. So keeping track of how your Community's stats are in relation to each other also becomes a consideration, as with a much wider range of +/- 5, you can be much more locked into certain results regardless of how you voted. After all, you do not control the Community itself, and sometimes voting in the City's best interests overall is unlikely to persuade the Community if they feel they have suffered in comparison.

There is also a set of Moves for when a stat drops to 0 as the result of an Event (as you cannot willingly move to 0, even when called to do so by a vote). At that point, the Community is in crisis, and might even result in the game ending early if other Communities get caught in the collateral chaos.

At this point I should probably talk about Community creation. The way I currently envision it is that its just assigning starting stats, naming it, and defining its place in the City both past and present. It's fairly free-form by design for a few reasons.

1: It serves as a difficulty control measure. A group wanting an easier game can give themselves higher stat totals to start with, which will make the Communities more resilient.

2: I don't necessarily want to pre-define Communities only because I feel that it's somewhat of a minefield in a game that is ultimately focusing on politics. I don't want to insert my biases by providing a set of Community playbooks where I define how, as an example, a diaspora community looks like in the City by its starting stats. I want the players to decide that themselves and envision the kind of stories they want to tell. This is also the reason why all Communities share the same generic moves, though that's also to emphasize that at the end of the day, the Communities are more alike than different.

So that's my thinking on creating Communities. I also am toying with whether the players should define the Communities first before defining the City or defining the City and then Communities. I lean towards the first one, as I think that might lead to some more interesting story opportunities by figuring out how the Communities fit into the City in ways that might be more unexpected.

Next week, (hopefully this weekend, actually), I'll talk about creating the City, and how Voting works alongside talking about the Event Deck and how much work remains on that.

This week: Zuko keeps an eye on me at the computer, relieving his sister from her supervisory role temporarily.

[dangerous-disposition]

It has been a hot minute since I shared a selfie and I missed TDOV bc I was dying at work, but here have this selfie I just took. I got so many compliments on my hair today and idek what I did bc I haven't done anything different (so I'm thinking it's just... The length?)

Anyway, I'm now well over a year and a half on T, woohoo!!

And as is my tradition when discussing my transition, some pics of me taken around the same time over the past couple years:

The picture on the left I took about 5 months before I started T. I still identified as nonbinary and at the time I thought I was okay being perceived as a woman. It wasn't until I returned to work a month later and had to face hearing and using my legal name after a year of being called "Gerry" by literally all of my friends that I realized "oh shit I'm miserable"

The picture on the right is me 6 months on T, essentially a year after the one on the left was taken, and legitimately the way I felt in the second pic is just... Night and day to how I felt in the first one. I stopped taking my antidepressants once I started transitioning (with my doctors support) bc lmao I guess being dysphoric 100% of the time makes u SUPER DEPRESSED and when u like? Deal? With the dysphoria? The depression becomes like? Manageable? Who knew.

Anyway, it's weird looking at these pics bc the first one I like... I KNOW that was me, but it's NOT me? The second pic is like "that me!" y'know?

ANYWAY this is my super late TDOV post I meant to post like... On TDOV and also a "hey my transition is going GREAT" type update.

[detransdamnation]

Did you/do you take any psychiatric medications with or without success? Do you have an opinion of psychiatry as a whole?

sending you a hug or a cup of tea if you prefer.

Yes, I was put on an antidepressant shortly after I was diagnosed with dysphoria and other mental health conditions. My doctor thought it would help me manage my dysphoria until I started my medical transition.

It was an extremely negative experience. I've been chronically suicidal ever since I was about seven years old, and still to this day, I have never felt as terrible as I did when I was on that drug. I almost hung myself in my best friend's closet not even a week after I was put on it. Then, after that storm cleared, I just kind of... withered. Regardless, I would remain on the drug for years afterwards with increasing dosages because the doctors had no idea what else to do with me. It seemed the protocol, if one didn't respond in therapy, was to drug the person up—even if said person was insistent, from the get-go, that their treatment was making them worse.

I tried advocating for myself but the amount of control I had in the situation was minimal because I was still only a teenager at the time and brain-fogged to hell. My being mentally unwell in general, I believe, also affected my credibility in the eyes of doctors. After I was finally permitted to taper off, I swore that I would never put myself through psychiatry again—if not for my own sanity, then out of refusal to be at the mercy of people who have the power to force me to continue taking pills lest I be labelled "a problem," or all the same, take them away when I need them most.

So, my opinion on psychiatry. I know there are a lot of thinkpieces discussing psychiatry being a pseudoscience, especially as of late. I neither agree nor disagree. I've not really delved into pieces relating to that specific topic, so I'm relatively clueless of the arguments and any studies or anecdotes which support them.

However, I am highly critical of it (psychiatry) at best, just as I am the current state of healthcare in general. I believe the psychiatric industry in its current state is overwhelmingly fundamentally similar to gender-affirming care insofar as masking symptoms rather than addressing conditions, as well as—often by nature—targeting vulnerable people who are all too often desperate to find a "quick fix" for their turmoil. I would feel uncomfortable purporting that psychiatric drugs should be abolished in their entirety because I understand they are truly necessary to manage mental health conditions in some individuals; however, I also believe they can be more maladaptive than empowering in the long-term and should therefore only be experimented with in urgent circumstances, or as an absolute last resort. Many mental illnesses are byproducts of our environment, whether in whole or in part, which strongly suggests that mental health treatment should involve not (exclusively) medication but removal of oneself from detrimental environments, and where not possible, life skills to help one to manage them.

All in all, I believe treatment constitutes a patient, of whom you generally eventually "let go" of once goals are accomplished and mental state has improved—but in these such worlds, psychiatry and the like, all too often, one creates a client, many of whom, even just anecdotally, never see an end to their suffrage even despite their long-term use of drugs which supposedly help them. I think I can, once again, acknowledge and support people who truly need medication to manage their mental health conditions whilst also expressing concern over the ethos of making people dependent on substances for their survival and functionability, particularly in cases wherein the mental illness(es) at hand can be demonstrably managed through self-help and lifestyle changes.

All this being said, my opinions have been shaped by very negative experiences, having grown up in a place where healthcare has been in shambles for more or less my entire life. You will receive a better, less biased opinion going to someone who has had a more well-rounded experience in psychiatry and healthcare.

Thank you for the kindness.

[mikk1n]

Normally I don't like getting this personal on main, but for some reason I feel like talking about this if only to help make sense of what's going on. I'll probably tag posts like this with some kind of catchall tag (edit: tagging with #mik clinic) so that y'all can blacklist it if you want (or follow it, if you're somehow interested). Idk I've seen creators I like openly discuss their journey through chronic illness and I think opening that dialogue here may be comforting, and maybe somehow it'll help someone else. I know those bloggers have helped me.

I've been trying to put together a timeline for how long I've been sick. It's been difficult, since I also have CPTSD-related memory loss, so I rely on discussions I've had with other people and old Discord chat logs to piece things together. I suspected initially that the onset was around 2018, and thanks to digging around in old chat logs, I was right: I had three infections, two bacterial and one nasty flu, back to back to back from December 2017 through January 2018. By March 2019 I was expressing interest to my partner in purchasing a cane, citing mobility and balance issues, which I've had ever since.

I distinctly remember going to the Smithsonian that year, for an art history assignment. I had a great time, but physically, it was absolute HELL; I had to take frequent breaks on the relatively short walk from the train station to the museum itself, and I was in excruciating pain. That was the first time I'd well and truly used my cane, and I'm glad I did: I wouldn't have made it to the museum otherwise.

It's both horrifying and strangely comforting to see some of the pieces come into place. On one hand, I've been sick for years with a disease that I may never recover from, one that will cause major changes in my life going forward. And I kind of knew that, but because of the intensely ableist environment in which I was raised, I denied myself help for so long (and easily folded to doctors who didn't believe me and just shunted antidepressants and, for some G-d forsaken reason, UTI antibiotics my way instead of listening to me).

And yet, on the other hand, this is confirmation that I'm not crazy. And even though this can't be cured (if I'm right and it is ME/CFS, I could be wrong and I still need to see a doctor but after much research I highly suspect it is ME), it can at least be managed. It will be hard, but it can be done. And catching it now means I can adjust my life and activities so that my symptoms don't worsen. I'm not completely housebound, but I'm getting there, and if I can stop myself from getting there, then that's a blessing.

The future is uncertain, but now I feel a little more prepared.

[satanfemme]

that anon being like "if your psych isnt working tell them" i told my psychiatrist this recently. my depression got better when i stopped being able to take my meds bc of nausea. maybe we can adjust them, i said. i'll take em as much as i can until i hear from my psyciatriast but i don't think it's normal to get better if you're unmedicated, i said. my psychiatrist ghosted me for weeks. i asked my therapist to contact her. she ended up seeing my psych at the building they both work at sometimes but my doctor just ignored her when she went to ask. then today i get this email saying that despite antidepressants being known for worsening depression sometimes, they're actually working fine and i have to come in asap - for another eval, because "your email concerned me and i believe you may be experiencing psychotic symptoms leading you to believe your medication is flawed. your therapist and i discussed it (a LIE according to my therapist) and we worry you may become violent if not seen" like. sorry for venting in your ask, this is mild in comparison to what many people face from psychiatry (i've also had Much Worse happen to me) but i saw it like 3 seconds before i saw that ask u got and i guess just pissed me off. "doctors always have good intentions" - only the experience of a small group of people that don't look or live like me or anyone i know. its 2022 and psychiatrists are still awful & it won't change without change. wake up anon lmao

oh man that's really difficult, and honestly even if worse things happen, I'd still say this is pretty bad and I hope it works out ok for you :-(

I recently had some issues with a psych pressuring me into anti-depressants too, where when I stopped my last attempt at them, the withdrawal was (/is) BRUTAL and I'm just so sick of trying these things when they're all so bad for me, that now I'm trying to stop. but my psych is still trying to get me onto a new one anyway (which I can't even afford...?). so now I'm too scared to schedule a new appointment with him, which has me worried about my adderall prescription running out and how I'm gonna deal with that 🙃 it's a whole mess

now if only we didn't restrict lifesaving medicine behind a million different hoops and bills, ending at a personally-assigned biased stranger who holds complete power and final say over what treatments you Are or Are Not allowed to do...... hmmmm 🤔.... and ofc pro-psych bootlickers will say this stupid convoluted system is the only way we can be controlled trusted, lol.

[gemaydin]

blog entry 1.11.22

I came home so late last night that they shut the building door on the inside and I had to wait outside for 5-10 min. for my brother to come and open the door. So I am doing the entry in the morning.

I went to my doctor's appointment

I always do it once a month to get my antidepressants and ADHD pills. I truly care about my mental health is stable at least, so this is a big monthly routine for me. After that, I went to school since I always go to university early in Tuesdays to just sit and read.

I like to walk a lot. I would say I am a pretty good walker. Call me an aesthetic bitch but I truly love to put my headphones on, put on some music and just walk around anywhere. I don't like to go out a lot but whenever I do, I walk for at least 30 min. to keep my head better. I hate it when people say 'oh, walk a lot if you have x problem' but it truly helps me with my depression, anxiety, and specially POTS. Cannot walk without having water near me, though. That is a very important thing. If you have POTS, do yourself a favor and get a big water bottle to carry with you everywhere.

If you ask yourself; "where do buses go when they are resting?" I can show you where that is in Istanbul. I sat at the first station and was the first person and the only person for the first 3 stations on the bus. It is always a special moment when you are the only one in a big transportation vehicle. I could have a private driver yet nothing would give me the joy that is to be the only one in a big transportation vehicle.

I couldn't do lots of reading at university since it was club week. Did my queer duty to sign up for the queer club. I looked into other clubs and then ended the club line. I was doing a sneaky stop for a few minutes and then turn around to go somewhere else when my friend saw me and invited me to hang around the student activists group.

This organization was built because my school is a private school and the owners are trying to make it a money machine instead of a learning facility. We don't even have a cafeteria. They had a protest last Thursday -I wanted to go but was working in the family business. They are pretty chill and sweet people as all students who want to get comfortable and accessible school standards. They also make great soup! 12/10 soup, would recommend it!

If you are at Istanbul Bilgi University, you can go and check their table. Walk forward from the clubs and then a bit further than BLAB and you'll see. They're called Bilgili Susmuyor and have an Instagram page also.

Went to my gender and law course

In this course, we talked about matriarchy and discussed whether it happened or not. It was a great talk because it was mostly based on mythology and I love mythology. This course is my time to shine and be a nerd as much as I want and shine while doing it. I talked as much as the professor and the classmates not feeling annoyed about it is amazing!

Talked a lot about neurodivergency!

One thing you should know about me is that I love to teach and learn from people. The best discussions are always when you both learn great things and most importantly insight from each other. Especially in countries like mine, it is even harder to find a doctor that knows DSM-5, let alone use it. Most of them were learned from DSM-3 and now using DSM-4. When you are doing good by society's standards, they don't see your struggles as real and when you are doing bad by society's standards, they are trying to eliminate your neurodivergency instead of teaching you how to cope and heal. I keep spreading the information I know to people around me, seeing their understanding, and teaching them the intersectionality of neurodivergency and social norms. If you are someone like me and sometimes doubt if it is helpful, IT IS. Just yesterday, I taught my friend about it and they learned that they are neurodivergent. They are now seeking medical/psychological help for it. You do not need to change the masses, just one person feeling better than before helps.

[pozge-pridumayu]

TW: ableism suicide mention

LRB

That is VERY interesting

I once heard a quote "you aren't broken you just need the right tools to adjust to the world". Should you adjust to the world or the world to you? Is there a value in being "normal"? What needs to be cured and what's not? It would be cool to have a discussion about that

Most of the people treat any sort of condition as having a cold or back pain. You go to the doctor and boom you're normal now. It of course isn't the truth in the slightest

If you're a physically disabled person and have no arm, is you getting a prosthesis a type of curing? Now you have less trouble with you're life and can "fit" into society easier I assume. However you're still disabled, you experience ableism. People may treat you as more capable now, but in the eyes of some you're still lesser. The infrastructure doesn't suit you and everything is gatekept for you. The current world we live in doesn't allow people to be equal even if you get required treatment

What about medical health conditions? Is someone taking antidepressants curing themselves? Me taking bipolar medication drastically improved my life, now I can actually sleep, have less suicidal thoughts and almost no hallucinations. And yet it would never disappear. I would still be struggling to fit in and still experiencing sanism. People will still remember every media stereotype and be cautious around me

The world definitely needs to adjust to the needs of different people. There is no discussion to be had, you need to be so out of touch to not realize that. But should you adjust to it? I think fundamentally no, but it's up to you. It may be more convenient to you and to others. But you need to place yourself first of course

So what about having a cure for something? I tried to be normal most of my life, I was always blaming myself for not being able to. Just having a diagnosis was so validating. Right now I'm trying except everything I am, and I even got attached to my condition in a way. But still personally would probably took it, I think it would be easier and I struggle with my condition too, not only with how others treat me

BUT not everybody is like me. Not all conditions are pain and even if they are some people are fine with it. Not everything is as simple as having a depression you don't want to have. What about systems for example, I can't even imagine the amount is sanism and pressure they experience

People want you to be "normal" because they're scared and not excepting of others. Having a all-cure sounds good, but what exactly are we curing? You know being gay was also a disease with required treatment

In the end I have no actual answers I just saw a really good post challenging my worldview and wanted to talk about it

[iovealexivs]

Thanks for answering my adhd med question! If and only if you feel like it, would you say more about how you were originally misdiagnosed as having only-depression? I've been depressed since early childhood but lately I've started to realize that this is heavily influenced by the fact that I can just never get a grip on anything in daily life, and there's probably something more cognitive or neurological going on. If you don't feel like discussing it with a stranger you don't even have to tell me, I'll wish you a happy new year anyway!

“I can never get a grip on anything” encapsulates how I have felt for as long as I can remember.

I have mainly inattentive ADHD, so it was never caught when I was a kid though in hindsight jesus christ it was so evident. I was (and still am) a huge daydreamer, I do go off topic given the opportunity and even when in appropriate, and I’ve always been a disorganized/messy person. My mind is going at like a million miles a minute even if I’m not physically expressing that hyperactivity. I struggle with impulse control, am easily forgetful of things (couple that with brain fog from long covid and it’s awful), have major time blindness, etc.

When some of my symptoms, such as procrastination, burnout, not cleaning my room due to executive dysfunction, etc, started to affect my life negatively it was chalked up to depression. On the outside it did look like depression, so I bought into it. For a short time antidepressants would work (except for venlaflaxine, which i mentioned had extremely awful side effects but also did no good). But because the problem wasn’t actually depression those didn’t work for very long. It was really frustrating and I must’ve seen 4 different professionals over the course of 5 years before getting to a medication plan that works.

I wasn’t able to see anyone for my mental health until I was an adult due to my home life even though I’d felt this since I was 13. my mom for the longest time would just chastise me for being lazy as if I could control it (she did this well until this year when I told her the problem was ADHD. Reason why I never did before was because she was always dismissive about my mental health as a teen so it was hard to approach her). There is also the fact, according to my dad who only told me after I graduated highschool, my pediatricians told my parents when I was a toddler I was exhibiting signs of autism (which must’ve been very telling if it was caught on that early) and my parents denied me a proper diagnosis because “that couldn’t be it” even if it’s a comorbidity of my physical conditions. So i’ve been running around with that, and I am sure that has to have an effect on everything else.

It wasn’t until I saw a therapist in late 2018/early 2019 for a traumatic event that I considered ADHD a possibility because she was able to pinpoint it from my behavior and my past. But a therapist can’t write scripts so I still needed to see a doctor/psychiatrist. Since then I tried to see different doctors but most just stuck me on antidepressants either by continuing my lexapro script (which had no effect here nor there once I stopped other than mild withdrawal symptoms) or starting me on Wellbutrin (in 2021). I started wellbutrin because I finally got screened for adhd and had the official diagnosis, but I was still given an antidepressant. The wellbutrin worked a little better but it was not solving the problem completely. It got me up and out of bed, which may be why the person I’m seeing now wants me to keep taking it, but I could never stay focused on a task if I wasn’t being forced to either my parents or work. It was so bad on my end when I was on my own in uni that I ended up in the ER due to self induced stress. This summer my psych NP put me on adderall because he listened to how frustrated I was with having an ADHD diagnosis for years and not being effectively treated for it. He did try the venlaflaxine but I had to stop it and then he put me on adderall. I’ve noticed only positives from there even at a smaller dose.

I believe one of the reasons it was diagnosed as depression is because ADHD (like many other health issues, including autism, which can show how much I was showing as a kid if doctors could tell off the bat) is largely ignored in people born female like myself because of stereotypes associated with ADHD mostly being noticed in boys/people assigned male at birth. To further illustrate this, my brothers were suspected of having adhd before they were 7. I wasn’t as disruptive as the “typical” adhd child (I did have my moments. Don’t get me wrong. But it was treated as me being an occasionally unruly kid and I was reprimanded for it only as it happened) so no one cared. I was also a “gifted” kid because I liked reading so much and was smart for the time. Surely a kid with good grades (and who got punished for anything less than a B) has no problems /s. So when I started to level out with my peers in high school the “laziness” accusations exploded in frequency and no one would listen to me when I said I felt so out of control of my own mind.

Sorry this got so long. I never can be concise when there’s something I feel so strongly about. I, unlike the adults in my adolescence, encourage being open about mental health so I hope this can help you.

[dopaminevampire]

Something my therapist and I agreed on today

Obligatory disclaimer, I am not a medical professional, yadda yadda, talk to your own doctors, this is just my own experience currently.

There are so many stories of people that were misdiagnosed with things like anxiety, depression, bipolar, ocd, before they got their ADHD diagnosis, and it all made sense all of a sudden why treatments for those things were not helping them.

Well, I realized last night the opposite can be true too. NOT in a "I don't actually have ADHD" kind of way, I want to be clear about that, but I realized that a lot of the necessary things I have been putting off lately is not because of executive dysfunction, it's because of anxiety. I am not forgetting or having trouble initiating the phone calls to make appointments in itself, I am avoiding the issue because I am catastrophizing what can go wrong. I am not ONLY having trouble with social awkwardness, I am depressed and apathetic about seeing people and doing things I like.

My therapist agreed with this assessment, and was surprised horrified to hear I was not already prescribed an anti-anxiety or antidepressant, so that's going to be discussed at my physical next month. She also told me how she has had multiple people who, like the first examples I started with, were on anti-anxiety or antidepressants, and then were diagnosed with ADHD, but that did not replace the other. They were necessary in conjunction with each other to create a functioning human being.

so, the tldr- ADHD is not always the ultimate cause of all my life evils and I am definitely also an anxious depressed wreck and meds for the Can't Sit Still Disorder aren't going to help me not panic thinking I am going to die in the middle of the night because it is dark and cold outside.