#also i have enough self-esteem to think that my opinion is inherently right

[schrodingers-hoarding-problem]

ok so i need to complain about the kpop fandom. to preface, i am part of this fandom, but not this particular section of people

ofc in all fandoms you're gonna have bad/toxic people blah blah blah whatever

but this something else, not as insidious as the people who make up rumors, drama, go after everyone and their mom

its just the people who (especially newer fans or only 4th gen fans who literally dont know any of the other generations) keep saying "back when kpop was kpoping" and its literally just a year or two ago

ESPECIALLY because you know that during those years the same people were saying the exact same thing about the years before and so on. like ik its human nature to only really appreciate what you had when you no longer have it but please this is becoming such a pet peeve for me

[ms-scarletwings]

So there was a note under my post about Zim hovering a finger over the self destruct switch on his first day on Earth that just cracked open something in my mind.

Cause…Oh. Oh hecc you, @murhuedur. You actually touched on like, my favorite thing about this character, period. I really like this take, I do. It’s a good one. I ponder, still,

In my own opinion, it’s actually genuine confidence and arrogance, but Zim’s delusions of grandeur are as a thin rubber band. They can stretch out to wild lengths and remain malleable enough to bend around truth as he wills,

But there’s a hard limit out there eventually, and should reality require him to stretch his cognitive dissonance just too far, it’s a violent snap-back to full clarity. I don’t think he’s faking it or always lying to everyone else about what hot shit he is, because I think he fully believes those lies about as fast as he can speak them, even if he will later realize he was wrong after a cosmic punch to the face.

Like, Zim’s smart, but smart people aren’t inherently rational ones. Within Zim, the tallest, hell, maybe even Skoodge, there’s sometimes this very short-sighted flippancy about what is objectively true/false that peeks out every now and again in their psychology. I mean, humans sometimes do this too when it’s convenient to their interests, just, obviously not to goofy cartoon character levels if they want to function in society.

Zim has whatever this flaw is and cranked up to 11, maybe as a side effect of his PAK defects. Sometimes it gets him into DEEP shit, but it’s also his biggest mental shield. Zim has like no fortitude against spiraling into a full on depression or a justifiable panic attack over the smallest concession of being an absolute failure to his race. That weaponized denial that makes him so dangerous to himself and others also keeps him together and motivated forward. But it’s not largely a conscious lie he’s telling himself. It’s genuine faith he’s trying to manifest into matter through sheer force of his will.

His dogmatic mantra, “I am Zim” and what it means to him is a statement he holds on such conviction it overpowered and hijacked the ego of 3 control brains at once.

If I were inserting him into DnD he’d have the wisdom stat of a stale poptart and a 20+ thrown into charisma. He’s faking it without even understanding he’s faking it.

But were he completely detached from reality, he’d be WAY more likely than even now to accidentally get himself killed. While a narcissistic level of self esteem is what lets him ignore and selectively unhear inconvenient truths, the adrenaline of immediate life or death danger is what grounds him back in the real world. You notice over time that as self-sabotaging as he normally is, he seems to act his most rational and competent when he’s suddenly put against the grindstone and self preservation HAS to jump into the driver’s seat. He basically survives his day to day on a tightrope between a falsely glorious narrative of himself, and his perceptive anxiety both tugging him to land on either side of the fence when something big happens.

In “The Trial”, he wastes very little time on his expected bullshit or his confidence in being able to just win over the approval of his judges.. by virtue of being his awesome self. He spent most of that ordeal on the verge of a heart attack, squirmed to find an escape, and actually tried to DENY causing the death of two Almighty Tallests (reminder that he usually owns up to his atrocities with downright offensive pride). He understood the full gravity of an existence evaluation and how cooked his goose was. As soon as the situation resolves and he’s no longer in that danger, it’s right back to full trust of his status as an invader, and in Red and Purple as his biggest fans. When his disguise starts to slip in front of Skool kids he knows are dumb as a bag of rocks, he can silver tongue his way around that without skipping a beat. Losing his disguise in front of a bunch of alien-obsessed adults? Uh oh, pants-shitting terror, this is potentially game-over levels of bad, immediately gtfo of here. Stand there, chest beat, and scold the obviously rogue duty-mode Gir all day until the second it actually tries to kill you and you suddenly have to realize you’re not the one holding the cards anymore to save your own life.

The other way this quirk of his really shows through is in his selective memory. Zim has this skill to repress down and push away unpleasant experiences that I think some of us can only dream we had. I love it because it’s equal parts a comedic and analytical goldmine.

Tak, who actually posed a legit threat to his entire mission and tried herself to chip through that massive wall of denial he’s shielded in- same Tak who’s powerful af ship was stolen and desecrated by Zim’s arch nemesis… she’s not just an afterthought in his mind after that mess. He’s literally pushed that one out of his thoughts altogether in the comics. Like she, and Skoodge, who he can’t fucking stand, might as well have never even existed, even while GIR’s trying to remind him. That time he played around with time travel and it was one of the biggest clusterfucks he quickly lost control of? The bologna incident he stooped so low as to ask dib to help him with? You must be thinking of someone else. Nope. Not a thing. Lalala, can’t even hear you. This is also what makes it no wonder he deeply struggles with actually learning from certain mistakes.

From an outsider’s eye this behavior of his is baffling. It makes him look actually insane or at least obnoxiously obstinate. And I think both assumptions are half right, because this is clearly not the result of mere stupidity. Those truths are simply wayyyy too discordant with his view of himself to devote surface memory to, or too uncomfortable, unless and until, of course, you confront him with them in a fashion where that rubber band has to snap, that bubble pops, and he instantly sobers out of that complacency.

Literally god forbid he ever stops being defective in this way or is given the ability to reckon with the reality of his situation and his history all at once. I’m not even just talking about his job or banishment. I’m talking about his entire life. This chaotic, flexible, incoherent mindstate is the only branch he’s holding onto from dropping into a much more horrifying chasm beneath himself, the depth of which we can only guess. I straight up have no idea what he would do or what could happen to him if he could, even for a moment, rationally comprehend his every action, memory, and empirical truth all at the same time. Seriously, leave that Pak’s Gordian Knot be, or I imagine there could be an HP Lovecraft type of breakdown in the making.

#By the way this is probably one of the most important differences between him and Dib, and what makes Zib so… way he is.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Was rewatching twilight with my girlfriend and that scene in New Moon where Bella has a paper cut, and there's a moment where everyone looks at her like she's a legitimate meal- or in twilight when there's the miscommunication over dinner- idk, I just feel like there's not enough horror in response to their inhumanity. I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make, but I feel like she should feel less comfortable, given the danger she witnesses in her initial meetings with them. Or at least, should feel more awkward. Thoughts?

I’m sorry, these might be your favorite movies on the planet, but I’m going to have to just come out and say it. Your first mistake was watching the movies.

The movies are bad. Really, really, bad and bad in a variety of ways at that.

In this case though, I think a lot of Bella’s character gets lost in the translation from book to screen, and to be frank capturing this part of her would be hard even if they wanted to. And they didn’t for a variety of reasons.

What’s Up With Movie Bella?

I always imagine that the producers of the Twilight Saga films read through the book at some point. They expect a young adult supernatural romance that they will be able to successfully sell tickets to not only the original book audience of young adult women but potentially others.

They instead find themselves reading a story written by Vladimir Nabokov.

Edward is terrifying and not particularly charming.

He’s a brooding snobbish intellectual who never smiles. Worse than that though, he routinely drops terrifying lines that, well, Bella’s perspective in the book helps warp them into something palatable, in a movie the audience would be screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

How does one make Edward charming when he tells us the story of how he nearly methodically murdered the entire Biology class just so he could eat Bella in the most efficient manner possible? Or when he suggests to Jacob that he pimp Bella out to him and use him as a stud after they forcibly abort the child she has chosen to potentially die for? Or when he tells Bella she’s nothing more than a distraction and she utterly bores her when he abandons her in New Moon?

I just picture the producers reading the novel and at first screaming, then crying, then screaming again when Robert Patterson insists on acting more like book Edward.

So, the movies do everything in their power to make Edward palatable. He loses 90% of his lines from the book, much of his original personality, and to make Edward seem more likeable they make every other character much worse (Carlisle, in particular, takes a hit in the movies in order to make Edward look sane.)

What does this have to do with Bella? Bella is also made palatable and more relatable to the audience.

Bella in the books is severely depressed and has no self-esteem. Edward in a sense is the perfect storm for her, as he is beautiful, intriguing, and inhuman and through his obsession can validate her self worth. Pretty much every action she takes, every opinion she has, is informed by this depression.

Well, who wants to watch a lunatic and a depressed girl get together? That’s not appealing to a young adult audience, that’s just... depressing.

Bella also loses much of her original lines or, at least, most of her original personality. Instead she’s this weirdly antisocial girl who, for reasons, is attracted to Edward Cullen.

I don’t blame Stewart anymore than I do Patterson, they did an excellent job with what they were given. But what they were given was a script written by sobbing people who just want this couple to be something people will want. 

But right, your question.

Where’s My Horror?

In the books, there isn’t much horror on Bella’s end either in pivotal scenes, at least not with the Cullens. To me, this boils down to her depression. Bella in New Moon is suicidal, but before that point, she’s not doing too hot either.

In Twilight, she accepts the possibility of dying multiple times with ease. If Edward eats her in the meadow, something that we learn in Midnight Sun will occur with a disturbingly high probability, then it will have been worth it because she will have seen what he truly is and her life is worth so very little. Bella is willing to die not just for the Cullens but sometimes just to not inconvenience the Cullens.

In New Moon at the birthday party... Well, in the books we don’t get the slow-mo action sequence. To Bella, one minute she has a papercut, the next she’s been thrown into a glass table. And by that point Jasper’s been dragged out of the room and she just has to sadly watch as the entire room but Carlisle vacates. So, the opportunity for horror isn’t really there, it all happens too fast.

The horror for her hits when she realizes that Edward has realized the truth, Bella is a boring waste of his time, and he leaves her behind. 

Bella is terrified in Biology, when she and Edward first meet, but this is smoothed over in time especially as she starts to see the Cullens as a beloved found family. Who just happen to be vampires. 

Point being, I think Bella’s too depressed to fully appreciate how dangerous the Cullens really are. At a distance she accepts that they might kill her, and comes face to face with this possibility a few times, but that’s a risk she’s more than willing to take.

Because Bella’s life means next to nothing to her and the Cullens are people who at least try to be good.

Bella’s also noted to lack whatever gene humans have hard wired into them to help them recognize the inherent danger of vampires. She sees these uncanny, stone, people and thinks they’re gorgeous. Other humans do not have this reaction. This is what allows Bella to think Edward Cullen is dating material in the first place, which, honestly, probably saves her life.

Because if Bella hadn’t been interested in Edward... Midnight Sun tells us that there’s only two paths for Bella: Vampire or Eaten by Edward. If path one is off the table that brings us only path number two. 

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don’t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.

[norahastuff]

2x22

I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say about this. It’s going to be even harder once I get to “Dream a Little Dream of Me” and Dean’s mano a mano with himself, but jesus…(you know what i’m talking about and what I’m not going to mention here, because I just can’t. If you can make that episode make sense with the rest of this, go right ahead, I’d love to hear it, but I can’t so I’m not going to even try.) Now that that’s out of the way...

It's like I had one job... I had one job...

And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry.

I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too.

How can I? How am I supposed to live with that?

Oh Dean...It’s actually really interesting to think of this in relation to what Dean said to Anna after they found out she was an angel who had chosen to fall.

Why would you fall?(...)You guys are powerful and perfect. You don't doubt yourselves or God or anything.

Dean’s seen what angels are. There was that little break in 4x07 where Cas sat with Dean and confessed his doubts, but even after that, Cas still seems resolute in his mission, in following orders. Dean hasn’t seen him waver on that yet. Why is that relevant?

Well because Dean has issues with his self worth and self esteem, and they stem from the fact that he has spent his whole life trying to be something he’s not: the perfect soldier who is somehow also the perfect peacekeeper as well as being the perfect homemaker, and then constantly feeling like he’s fallen short on all of those things.

Being the perfect soldier means being putting your emotions aside and following orders. Being the peacemaker between John and Sam meant trying to wrangle both of their emotional outbursts while keeping his own in check, and being the perfect homemaker…well that’s an inherently emotional role. Caring for Sam, being there for him, doing his best to keep some semblance of Sam’s innocence intact, that’s a lot for a young kid to juggle. The point is, not only is all that an incredible burden for Dean to carry, those roles are also in conflict with each other, so when he inevitably fell short of his own expectations for himself, Dean blamed himself.

He says he had one job but that really wasn’t true. Take care of Sammy wasn’t a job, it was his purpose, his identity. John projected his own failures onto Dean, which we see all through the first couple seasons - among others see 1x18, aka the Shtriga episode- and Dean internalised them. Let’s talk about his heartbreaking conversation with Bobby when he finds out that Dean has sold his soul

DEAN That's my point. Dad brought me back, Bobby. I'm not even supposed to be here. At least this way, something good could come out of it, you know? I--I--It's like my life could mean something.

BOBBY What? And it didn't before?! Have you got that low of an opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?!

Bobby is heartbroken to discover how Dean truly sees himself. I don’t know that this was the intention at the time, but with hindsight and what we learn about John and Bobby’s relationship over the next couple of seasons, it’s easy to believe he’s cursing John Winchester for doing this to Dean, for raising him with the belief that he’s not worth anything unless he’s following orders and doing what he’s trained to do: take care of Sammy. That is how Bobby feels about the way John treated his kids by the time we get to the later seasons, so I don’t have much trouble believing its how he felt here.

Dean’s belief that his emotions or his own weaknesses are what held him back from being a good enough soldier. Alistair even taunts him by calling him “Daddy’s little girl” and repeatedly telling him he wasn’t the man his father wanted him to be. That’s a thread that carries through s4 and 5 ( though 5 is more daddy issues and losing faith in your father stuff that he relives with Cas) and while at first he seems somewhat in awe of these celestial beings and how resolute they are in obeying orders, never wavering from what the mission calls for, I think by convincing Cas to fall, to feel doubt and emotions, Dean helps himself realise the importance of all that too.  

He’s not daddy’s blunt little instrument. He’s not a hammer. The world didn’t need him to be a soldier. It needed him to use his humanity and his capacity for love, qualities so powerful they made an angel fall, they shook his brother from the clutches of an archangel for long enough to save the world, they convinced a primordial force to save the universe…I could go on but I’d be here all day if I listed all the times Dean harnessed the power of love to save the day.

Yes his emotions control him, but when he stops trying to suppress them and understands how to use them, they’re not a failing, rather they’re his greatest strength. It’s funny because in 15x18, Dean’s about to go down a very similar spiral about how he’s worthless and how it’s all his fault etc. but Cas stops him in his tracks and tell him how wrong he is. Dean is so much more than he ever believed himself to be, and as clunky as 15x19 is, it does reaffirm this too. 

[goosegoblin]

hi Jess. this sounds silly but it’s genuine: I’m worried that I’m making myself seem better/kinder than I actually am? so I’ve been dating a great guy for a couple months and he always talks about how empathetic I am, how big of a heart I have, how much of a softie I am, etc. his friends who I’ve met also agree. but my family has always told me that I’m a bit selfish and heartless. I’ve had many issues with my family for years, but they wouldn’t all make up these character traits unless they were true right? am I unconsciously lying to my bf and not showing him my true colors? I don’t think I am but I’m worried I’m doing it unintentionally and he’ll realize how I “actually” am

I’m gonna split this into two parts <3

Part 1: On kindness

I can relate to a lot of this. One thing that helped me a lot is to refine my understanding of what I think a ‘good person’ is. For me, a good person is someone who does good things. A kind person is someone who does kind things. Think of it this way- if I felt that I was a kind person inside, but on the outside I deliberately harmed many people for fun, you would disagree that I was a kind person, right? Apply that to the opposite, and well, there you go.

Kindness is inherently performative. Being kind, or good, or soft, is about what you do and say. I too have a core belief that I am, in fact, a bad person, and that I am misleading everyone around me to think I am nice. Rather than trying to endlessly argue with that core belief- which works well for some, but did not for me- I’ve just kind of let it be. Sure, maybe I am a terrible person inside- but also, who cares? If I put good and kind things into the world, and I apologise and make amends when I do bad, then what does it matter what I ‘truly’ am inside? It doesn’t mean shit. 

You do good, kind things for those around you. This, in my mind, makes you a good, kind person. Kindness is a choice, and it’s one you are making often enough that others notice and feel loved and cared for by it. That is a beautiful thing, my friend.

Part 2: On family

I..... think your family fucking suck, babes. Sorry, but I think they probably fucking suck. Growing up in that type of environment is almost certainly why you have these doubts and these concerns about yourself, and I’m delighted to tell you that your family are almost certainly the ones who are wrong here!

they wouldn’t all make up these character traits unless they were true right?

I have two alternatives to this! The first is that they may, indeed, be lying; the second is that they may indeed believe them to be true, but that doesn’t make them true. Some people believe the Earth is flat, but it isn’t. If I ask you to loan me £100 and you refuse, and I call you selfish, does that make you selfish? Of course not. Even if I actually believe you are being selfish by doing so, it doesn’t make it true.

If you want to mistreat others, it helps deeply if you feel they deserve it. If your family can convince themselves that you are selfish and bad, then when they treat you like shit, it’s justified and valid. You having boundaries or self-esteem or self-worth is actively threatening to those who want to hurt you and take advantage of you, and so expressing those boundaries will frequently get you labelled selfish, defensive, rude etc. This is not a sign that you are doing badly. This simply means they are not getting what they want from you, but, plot twist: what they want is not something you are obliged to give.

Let’s use a small example, taken and twisted a little from a real world event. Let’s say my uncle is insulting someone at the table to the point where another guest feels the need to intervene and tell him to stop talking. From the uncle’s perspective, he was just telling the truth, and this guest is being incredibly rude. Is the uncle right? Fuck, no! He’s an asshole! Your family are assholes!

Listen to the opinions of those you trust and care about. You say you already have issues with your family, so presumably you’ve already come to understand they are not a reliable source of information. Do not believe criticism from those you would never approach for advice. You are doing well, my love. I am proud of you, and you are doing well.

xxx

[incarnation-of-victory]

“He doesn’t take himself into account...”

I was contemplating how Deku’s fatal flaw of “not taking himself into account” is going to be resolved, and, assuming that it’s going to be in the form of some kind of talk with his friends/family/peers/mentors, here are some of my ideas on the problem itself and how some characters might approach it (A.K.A. 80% of this is in regards to Bakugou and then there’s a paragraph at the end about how Shouto relates to Deku, because I haven’t thought enough about the other characters yet. There is no cure for “Head empty, just-Bakugou” syndrome):

*Manga spoilers up to ~295*

I've seen debate over whether or not Deku does indeed have a self-worth problem, and while I do agree that it is a factor, I also think it’s a little more complicated than that. The way I see it, Deku is a lot like Bakugou: he hinges his self-worth on whether or not he can save everyone, much like how Bakugou hinges his self-worth on whether or not he can achieve a perfect victory. They both have unstable egos which fluctuate depending on whether or not they can fulfill their ideals.

So I don’t think it’s quite as simple as Deku thinking: “Everyone says I’m worthless so they must be right,” but it's more that he’s constantly trying to challenge that label. He has the confidence/perseverance to think, “Everyone says I’m worthless so I have to constantly prove them wrong—and more importantly, I have to prove it to myself so I don’t actually succumb to the even deeper fear that maybe I actually am worthless after all.” So essentially, Deku’s constantly under the pressure of people’s expectations of him. And this pressure comes from more than just society once Deku is bestowed with OFA. Sound familiar?

Well, it’s a lot like how it was for Bakugou. Deku came into the world graceless and unskilled, even before being diagnosed as Quirkless, so the world formed that perception of him accordingly. Deku was deemed worthless, so he feels the need to surpass that designation out of fear that he will regress to it if he doesn’t meet his goals. Bakugou was a natural-born talent, even before getting his Quirk, so the world had high expectations of him to be good at everything, always strong, and never require help. So for Bakugou, if he fails to meet those standards, his self-esteem drops and he feels similarly weak (though he's now outgrown this to some extent).

More specifically, Deku now has one of the most powerful Quirks in the world, OFA, which comes with very high expectations—not unlike how Bakugou’s Quirk, Explosion, is very powerful and as such comes with a similar expectation that he must be the strongest and better than everyone else. In Deku’s case, however, it’s a little different because OFA is tied to a kind of legacy-driven destiny: it was created for the sole purpose of defeating AFO (the person, and the Quirk, I suppose—the two are so entangled, reasonably). Deku has gotten to the point that he feels the full weight of this expectation, and that he’s desperately afraid he won’t meet it. So in his mind, he has to fulfill the goal of OFA, even at the cost of his own life. Not just so All Might, who chose him, won’t regret his decision, or that others will be disappointed in him, but also because the fate of the world & people’s safety very much hang in the balance. Furthermore, as a OFA user, he feels that it’s his responsibility to deal with AFO and nobody else’s, which is probably part of why he’s reluctant to rely on others’ help.

Deku pledged to Bakugou that he would make OFA his own, and Bakugou often checks up on his progress for that reason, so I think it makes sense that Bakugou would be involved in trying to remind Deku that he is his own person outside of OFA’s own goals. It’s a bit like how AFO quite literally possesses Shigaraki to pursue his own goals: OFA (the person/the Quirk?) does the same by overriding Deku’s dreams and well-being, even if it’s for a noble cause. I think Bakugou very much recognizes how OFA is cursed in this manner too (though at the same time, he’s acknowledged that it’s done a lot of good too and has the potential to do even more).

Additionally, Bakugou also benefits from Deku making OFA his own: so they can finally settle once and for all, who the better the hero is (he also wants it for Deku’s own sake too, of course). A “Deku vs. Kacchan 3” is in order for that reason, but I don’t think it’s going to be in the conventional format of a brawl, because at this point, it’s clear that raw power alone is not enough to become the best hero. So we’ll see how that goes.

Despite all of this, would it still be valuable for people to remind Deku of his own inherent self-worth? Perhaps. I think Deku could benefit from relating to Bakugou most on how failing to meet your own expectations doesn’t automatically make you weak/worthless/a loser. 

Because I feel that there’s a fine line between feeling motivated to get back up again after failing vs. having your self-worth plummet if you fall just below the standards you’ve set for yourself. And Deku and Bakugou toe that line a lot. How would you reconcile this issue, you ask? Well, I wouldn’t personally know, because:

I still feel that Deku & Bakugou’s tendency to fall into that pit of self-negativity is a little unhealthy… but that could just me. I think Bakugou having a similar guilt complex, where he pins a lot of blame on himself for his mistakes (which is sometimes overly harsh/misplaced), is also not the best mentality. I’m still of the opinion that Bakugou’s continued sense of responsibility (read: guilt) over All Might’s end is somewhat misplaced/misguided, even if well-intentioned, but again, we have yet to see the narrative confirm this as a lasting issue or not.

Which brings me to Bakugou’s sequence of thoughts/recollections in 285: Bakugou Katsuki: Rising. Again, I think it’s important to keep in mind that Bakugou has a tendency to be a little harsh on himself, so his own perception of his culpability in influencing Deku may be a tad overblown (this also applies to any narrator when we see the story from their perspective: they’re always going to have their own biases).

I’ve read and re-read Bakugou’s flashback sequence as he begins to rise, and because Bakugou is such a visual thinker and less of a linguistic one, his flashbacks, without proper wording, can be vague. I think there’s multiple ways you can interpret this sequence, and while at first I was confused by it and found it disjointed, I then tried looking at it as a kind of thematic, three-act structure, where the images all sorta build on each other.

When Bakugou thinks of OFA as a “cursed power,” he flashes back to middle school when he mocked Deku’s desire to apply to U.A. in front of the class.

And then when he thinks about OFA in a positive light, as associated with All Might, he focuses on All Might’s face and then flashes back to Deku’s hero notebook that he blew up and tossed in the pond, which is again, another rejection of Deku.

And then he remembers Deku pushing back against him instead in Deku vs. Kacchan 1, when he tells Bakugou he won’t be his “worthless punching bag Deku forever,” pledging that he’ll from now on be “the Deku who always does his best.”

Except the next image we get of Deku in place of the past, positive one, is one of him destroying himself in real time, where he appears ominous, haunting, almost kind of mad or possessed. And Bakugou is not pleased by it.

So one way the pattern here could be read: Bakugou recalls all the times he put Deku down, only for him to get back up again, which parallels how Deku reacted against society’s "worthless" perception of him. This also kind of works in conjunction with another pattern: 1) Deku (while in possession of OFA) is conflated with AFO/OFA, 2) Deku (while in possession of OFA) is conflated with All Might, 3) Bakugou’s conclusion: Deku isn’t quite either of those and is instead, his own person. OFA is his own and exists to serve Deku’s goal of being “the Deku who always does his best.” The only problem is that the Deku here hasn’t quite realized that yet.

Either way, it seems like Bakugou feels he at least partly contributed to this marginalization of Deku. Maybe a part of him thinks, "If only I'd been supportive of him from the beginning… then maybe he wouldn't be like this now… that he wouldn't be in this position…" 

While, as compared to where he was at during DvK1, Bakugou does now accept the new meaning of “does his best” Deku, at the moment, this Deku isn't currently matching up to that version. The distinction here is that this current image of Deku isn’t a positive one, it’s negative.

It’s a picture of Deku destroying himself for a dream which isn’t his, perhaps out of a sense of obligation. Because as Deku puts it, he feels blessed for all he currently has: for being at U.A., having All Might as his mentor, and being able to have a normal-ish conversation with Bakugou.

But he still has this imposter syndrome way of thinking that he got this all through luck, that he’s undermining his own virtues and skills. Possibly because he does have low self-worth. I think of it like this: Deku is probably aware on some level that OFA comes with risks, that it has a lot of baggage and is probably kind of cursed, but Deku’s so grateful for the chance to become a hero, and desperately so, that he’s willing to accept even the worst of consequences to himself.

Here’s a good comic from a Japanese artist on Twitter that encompasses this idea of OFA taking advantage of Deku’s hero ambitions, before Bakugou stops him: https://twitter.com/j_nobu4/status/1344244583148863488?s=20 (rough translation in the replies, but you get the gist from the images). I think it’s a surprisingly accurate depiction of canon events, and partly inspired a lot of my ideas here!

Either way, it probably doesn’t help that All Might conveniently forgot to mention all the warning labels and side effects that come with OFA before giving it to Deku, but I digress.

And I think it’s also possible that, because he’s so grateful and feels like he’s been gifted with this new, privileged life, a part of him is afraid that he might lose it all—his friends, his life at U.A., All Might’s approval, OFA itself—if he fails to meet the expectations set out for him. That maybe he won’t deserve it anymore. I mean, hell, he already tried to give Mirio OFA once before—it’s probably no coincidence his “better” showed up to the Shigaraki fight to make him feel inadequate again. Not only that, Deku never expected to be able to speak to Bakugou again. And yet, in a sad kind of way, it was only after finally getting a Quirk, OFA, that the two are given a means to reconnect again.

I admit all of that is a bit convoluted, but either way, I feel like Bakugou does feel guilty for belittling Deku, and that it could be helpful for him to remind Deku of his own inherent worth outside of OFA, even more than just as a hero, but as a person. Because someone’s worth shouldn’t just be based solely on how many people they save or how many battles they win. Every human being has value simply for existing. And that’s mainly why Bakugou jumped in to save Deku at the end of 285. It wasn’t because he was consciously thinking about OFA getting lost/stolen, or reconciling with Deku, or Deku losing his dream, or his even own ambitions. At that moment, he simply had that instinct to save someone who was in trouble.

I think the person whose words would have the most effect on Deku in this case would be Bakugou. Firstly, Bakugou was one of the main people in his life who constantly belittled him and made him feel worthless (obviously not the ONLY cause, but one of the major ones). I think, in one sense, not only does Deku highly value Bakugou’s opinion, it would also be quite validating to have the person who used to think you were worthless tell you that you really aren’t. It’d mean a lot if Bakugou, who gave Deku his deprecating nickname in the first place, revealed to him that he now acknowledges the new, positive meaning of it. Of course, it’s still unclear, from Deku’s perspective, how much he holds Bakugou accountable for how he treated him, so whether or not this would mean much to him is still in the air.

Anyway, on the note of Deku making his Quirk his own, an abrupt segue: I feel that Todoroki can also quite relate to that dilemma. After all, Deku was the one who had to break Shouto out of the mentality that his fire was an extension of his father, rather than his own. So a similar “It’s your power, isn’t it?” moment would make sense here. Both Deku and Shouto have this legacy that’s thrust upon them, but they shouldn’t necessarily be beholden to upholding them. 

I think one of the main themes of BNHA is about legacy, and the trend, to me, is that the current generation can learn a lot from the previous generation, but ultimately, the heroes of now have to form a new, improved legacy, however that may be. After all, the current hero society is very flawed, and heroes like All Might and Endeavor contributed to its state (for better or worse), even if they also had merits at the same time. OFA and AFO, too, mimic that concept of legacy, in that the Quirks started as a feud between two brothers, and that it shouldn’t be Deku or Shigaraki’s responsibility to resolve it. Rather, their Quirks should be used to fulfill their own visions, regardless of what they are. So there’s something they could bond over, among other obvious things...

Obviously, there’s probably going to be more people and other various moving parts involved, but Bakugou and Todoroki were the ones I thought most about in regards to Deku’s development here (the former more than the latter, clearly). Maybe I’ll make a continuation later or probably not because I don’t care about the other characters nearly as much. Jokes aside, I do think the final battle is going to require more than Deku and Bakugou’s efforts, because I think this one showed that they certainly can’t do it on their own.

[whattaloser]

Why I’m a Leftist

I know I’m probably just some dude who reblogs cool stuff to most of my followers but I’ve got a nice long story/rant about my political beliefs here that I’ve been wanting to write for awhile

I am a leftist first and foremost because I value human life. Everyone matters. No person is inherently more important than another person. Everyone has inherent rights that should not be infringed. People who infringe on other’s rights are morally wrong to do so. In essence my leftism is based on doing what is right. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what is right but what is vitally important is knowing why your moral code is right. This is why so many people become liberals or conservatives or otherwise rather than leftists. They simply do not know enough about how the world works. There are a lot of reasons they don’t know, not the least of which is intentional covering up history and preventing education. I don’t believe people who aren’t leftists are stupid, but I do believe leftists know more. It’s kinda fucked up but it’s the only way you can explain inconsistencies in other’s values.

My path to leftism was full of cringe. When i was 7 years old Al Gore was running against George Bush for president. I did not know enough to have a real opinion on it but I am happy to say that I wanted Al Gore to win. This thought was based on very little if any logical reason. I basically flipped a coin in my head I think. Or maybe there was some outside influence that I wasn’t aware of, like my older sister who I looked up to might have said she liked Al gore. Either way, from then on I was in favor of democrats and did not like George Bush. When 9/11 happened I remembered thinking how dumb it was that people lined up around the block to get gas. Even as a child I knew that some buildings going down wasn’t going to end the great nation of the United States. In general I thought the United States was a great country. I knew from movies and tv as well as elementary school history that the United States was the most powerful country in the world. 

I recall in Sixth grade my teacher mentioned she liked George Bush because he was against gay marriage. Somehow at the time my opinion was the opposite despite being raised Catholic. I believed in god until I graduated high school and suddenly my desire to be religious slipped away and so did my belief. I do not consider this a great loss. 

Sometime in middle school or early high school I had solidified my opinion that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was pointless and George Bush was a bad president. I was heavily influenced by movies and somewhat by video games that had imparted plenty of anti-war messages. Talks with my dad about nuclear missiles, watching History channel shows about world war 2, and playing Metal Gear Solid which had explicit nuclear disarmament messages, all informed me on the horrors of war. This was not enough to make me totally anti-military. In high school I wanted to join the military because I thought it was an easy way to get life experience and eventually pay for college. I was attracted to the Marines because of how cool movies like The Rock and video games like Call of Duty made it seem to be a Marine. I thought they were the best of the best. I was simultaneously against war, against veteran worship, and very pro-military. I was indoctrinated by years of government propaganda but also disillusioned by all forms of media including the book All Quiet on the Western Front which was about a soldier becoming disillusioned by witnessing horrors of war and the negative impact it had on everyone in his country. I spoke with a recruiter during my senior year and expressed my desire to be a Marine but I told him I wanted to wait a year after high school so I could get physically fit enough. The recruiter did not care that I was underweight and out of shape. He didn’t even care that I was very enthusiastic about joining, he was still putting on his best salesman demeanor which made me incredibly uneasy. The experience is supposed to pressure people into signing up on the spot, I think they even had forms for me to sign (i can’t really remember though) but I was not ready and was aware enough how I was being manipulated although not entirely cognizant. After that I no longer wanted to be in the military.

I also have to point out that I grew up in an unstable household. My parents were both loving but they were flawed and made mistakes and had problems. My dad was a typical Gen x man’s man. A little bit too emotionally repressed, but actually really good with kids when it came to play time and still is. He worked a lot because my mother couldn’t. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as long as I can remember. Her medical bills related to her problems combined with other financially bad decisions by my parents caused my home life to be fraught. I lived in varying degrees of poverty until my parents separated and me and my siblings moved with my mother to her parents’ house away from my father. Prior to moving though, we endured great financial difficulty. We were unable to afford school lunches but could not apply for free or reduced lunches because technically my father made a lot of money, however it was all garnished for medical bills. My father always tells about how he bought a car that had hidden frame damage and when he attempted to sue the dealership for selling a bad car he lost and was garnished for that as well. Despite making over 25 dollars an hour in 1999, my father could not afford school lunches for three kids and couldn’t afford to pay the gas bill. Without going into too much more detail, life sucked and continued to suck until I graduated, at least financially. I still found plenty of joy and it wasn’t always that bad. We still found ways to have good things like video games and we could always rewatch old movies but there’s a lot of psychic weight that comes with being that poor as a child and I’m sure it affects me and my ability to empathize with others who in bad conditions. 

So i watched a lot of movies and documentaries, read a lot of books growing up, discovered internet forums at the age of 11, played video games, moved to a town that had a very large Hispanic population, and I even grew up poor. All of this life experience turned me into a very average liberal upon graduating high school. I was a very optimistic 18 year old. I thought science could save the world. If I was 18 today I would be an average redditor stereotype probably. The point here though is I still wasn’t a leftist. Only vaguely progressive and full of optimism. This is when I got sucked into the anti-feminist pipeline.

I can’t remember what exactly what I had going on in my life but I remember it was around the time of Gamergate. Everyone on the internet, celebrities, and pop culture were saying “if you believe in equality between genders you’re a feminist” an did not like that. And there was a ton of people online to tell me I was right in not liking that. They all said feminism was not necessary anymore because legally you couldn’t discriminate against women and I agreed. Gamergate made it worse for reasons too complicated to get into in this already long post but suffice it say I was “pro Gamergate.” This put me at odds with my closes friends who thought feminism was great and had no qualms with it, and were already embracing the idea of being a “social justice warrior.” Despite reading all kinds of anti-feminist think pieces and reveling in the discourse, I was still very progressive and liberal minded person. Still thought the military was bad, that black people were discriminated against etc. But so many aspects of anti-feminism were appealing to me as a white guy who tried their hardest to do what they’re told is right, had low self esteem, undiagnosed adhd and depression, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism was. Two things got me out of anti-feminism though. The first and most important thing was having friends who were patient with me about it. I didn’t reveal how into anti-feminism I was because I was ashamed but they could sense it and pushed back when they could. The second thing that got me out of it was actually finding feminists online and reading what they had to say, staying away from poorly written clickbait articles that fueled misogynist tirades against feminism. After reading and learning from feminists it finally clicked. Our society is patriarchal and that affects how people interact with each other regardless of what is legal. Many of the complaints of anti-feminism talk about how men have it in society, so how can society be patriarchal. It’s because of patriarchy that men are put in bad positions. Some of the more self aware anti-feminists had retorts against these ideas but they were emotionally charged. There’s still some anti-feminists I have respect for because of how well prepared and logical they were when it came to disputing feminism. But when it came down to the fundamental tenants of feminsim all they could respond with was anger or outright denial of reality. (If you’re like I was and don’t understand how anyone can thing modern feminism is good please feel free to ask me more, I just can’t get into specifics in this long ass post) Anyways, once you understand patriarchy and how it affects an individuals actions then you can start seeing how other institutions and cultural norms can affect an individual. This is basically fundamentals of leftism. I’d say about 90% of my path to leftism was just naturally absorbing cultural and historical information through consumption of media. The most conservative people I know are people who haven’t read very many books or seen very many movies. I’m not saying watching Austin Powers at the age of 10 will make everyone a leftist but constantly recontextualizing the world by learning something new, even if you learned it from some dumb comedy movie, can give you better grounding in a shared reality.  Don’t know how to end this but I want to say when I was a teenager I thought “communism is good in theory but it doesn’t work in practice” and I had almost no historical basis for it other than the vague notion that USSR = bad despite having consumed a massive amount of media. None of it taught me what communism actually was, I didn’t know who Karl Marx was, and I had no clue why communism in the USSR failed. You can know a lot without knowing the truth so if you’re struggling with a loved one who is mind poisoned by conservative keep in mind that they know a lot but they’re missing something important to give clarity. 

This has been my Ted Talk

[scripttorture]

I'm curious about the the mental processes that makes torturers do their work. Is that akin to the process that allowed the "Teacher" to press the supposedly shock-inducing button in the Milgram Experiment? Do they blame their victims for "making them torture them"? Does dehumanisation play a role? What do symptoms look like on a torturer? Thank you in advance.

These are all good questions but a lack of research means it’s difficult to answer them definitely.

 I’ll start by saying that the Milgram experiments are a steaming pile of… insults to the scientific community shall we say. Honestly as a scientist the Milgram experiments make me angry because they are just so darned sloppy. They are terrible. They cherry picked data. They applied significant coercion to the ‘teachers’ while claiming they didn’t. They failed to record the ways ‘teachers’ tried to trick the system (especially those who pretended to press the button but did not actually do so).

 And they also didn’t bother to check whether the ‘teachers’ believed they were actually administering electric shocks. When a follow up study asked these people about it later they found that the majority of people who pressed the button didn’t believe the button caused electric shocks.

 Essentially- Milgram can’t tell us shit about why this happens. Those experiments were too sloppy and poorly conducted for us to draw any conclusions.

 So what do we actually have that can tell us about torturers?

 There are a lot of interviews conducted by non-specialists; mostly journalists. There are works torturers published. I consider both of these sources useful but biased. Torturers have repeatedly shown that they don’t provide accurate accounts of events or their own actions. So – I take these accounts with a pinch of salt and try to be critical.

 When it comes to actual specialists providing notes on torturers- I’ve only really found two sources: Fanon’s The Wretched of the Earth contains notes on torturers he treated after the Franco-Algerian war, and Sironi’s body of work studying torturers. Which is only available in French and is print on demand.

 Yes I am still bitter, moving on!

 Where does all this leave us?

 Well it means that we don’t have enough good quality studies to be absolutely sure. It means most of what we ‘know’ is educated guess work, based on the little bit of research and anecdotal accounts.

 It’s frustrating. We need more data. And the result is that most of what I can say here is ‘may bes’.

 Dehumanisation probably does play a role, but it may not be as great a role as we tend to assume. Studies of the effects of hate speech in Rwanda in the lead-up to the genocide (along with what we know about ICURE techniques) do suggest that dehumanisation makes atrocities more likely. But they don’t necessarily make torture specifically more likely and many torturers will acknowledge the humanity of their victims.

 Some torturers do use language that blames their victims but- not in quite the way you’ve put it here. They don’t tend to say victim’s ‘made them’ torture. Instead they tend to suggest that the victims put themselves in a position where they knew they were going to be tortured.

 ‘A kid that colour walking around in that part of town at night? What did he expect!’

 That kind of phrasing is something I see more regularly.

 Another common one is torturers suggesting the victims ‘deserved it’ because of a particular characteristic: ie race, sexuality, gender, homelessness, disability. Arguing that a victim was ‘probably guilty’ or is actually guilty of a crime and therefore ‘should’ be tortured is also pretty common among torturers.

 But- I also get the impression that most torturers just don’t think about their victims much. Not as human individuals anyway. They don’t seem to consider the lasting impact they have on other people in any meaningful way.

 I think this is easiest to illustrate by looking at the way torturers express regret. Because they do often express regret for what they did.

 But it’s not expressed as them primarily being sorry they hurt so many people. Instead it’s- they regret what they did because they have nightmares about it. Because they’re ill and the symptoms are terrible. Because they lost their job. Because they’re socially isolated.

 It’s regret focused on the consequences of torture for the torturer rather then an acknowledgement of the scale of harm they caused their victims.

 I often get asks that suggest this as an inherent characteristic that ‘makes’ people torturers but there’s no evidence to support that. I personally believe this lack of empathy is an effect of torture rather then something that leads to torture.

 I guess what I’m driving at here is that there is a rather selfish focus in torturers. But beyond that symptoms in torturers look pretty much the same as symptoms in everyone else.

 My impression, based on the interviews I’ve read, is that unless the subject of torture comes up torturers come across as trauma survivors. Asshole trauma survivors but still trauma survivors.

 They tend to be rather convinced of their own importance. I’m unsure where this personality trait comes from but it does seem common. It could be a product of the sub-culture torturers create.

 And that brings me more or less to- well the answer to the big question here: why do they do it? How can they do it?

 My opinion is that the answer has little to do with individuals and everything to do with organisations.

 I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Torturers do not work alone.

 Torture by it’s definition and nature is a function of groups, of broken systems.

 Torturers are not individuals who arbitrarily decide to abuse someone. They are police officers with little training and no funding instructed to ‘do something now’. They are soldiers who’ve been taught over a lifetime that the ‘enemy would do the same to us’. They are teachers told to ‘control the class or else’.

 They’re groups of people in an environment that has a huge pressure to produce ‘results’ while also being under trained, under staffed, under funded and unsupervised. Into this already unhealthy mix throw the persistent background cultural lie that torture is a short cut to the results they want.

 Hell the persistent cultural message that violence is any kind of answer.

 Is it really a surprise that our police turn to torture when we don’t teach them to interrogate and our news outlets, our politics, our fiction is full of apologia telling them that abuse will get them the results they want?

 The mindset that let’s torturers abuse other people does rely on assumptions that some people are ‘lesser’ or otherwise ‘deserve’ to be abused. But the bit most fiction doesn’t capture is the social aspect.

 The way torturers egg each other on and the way they compete. The way they gradually become more or less the entirety of each other’s social circles. The fear they have of each other, which can trap them in the abusive role they’ve taken on. The way they lose other skills, making it feel impossible to switch. The way they seem to feel that stopping represents both personal failure and letting down the only people they still count as ‘friends’.

 The closest I’ve seen a movie come to this was The Shape of Water, the villain brilliantly captured the bizarre mix of self importance, incompetence and intense environmental stress that characterises torturers.

 Torturers say that they start because ‘there’s no other choice’. I don’t know how much they believe that piece of apologia.

 I do know that in any organisation that tortures there is often incredibly intense pressure to participate in, or at least ignore, torture. Refusal often leads to a person leaving an organisation, sometimes feet first.

 But the reasons they continue are complicated. For some of them they probably do believe the apologia, that they’re ‘doing necessary work’. Some of them definitely see their victims as less then human.

 All of them are caught in a... societal trap not unlike a cult. They’re isolated from non-torturers. They’re constantly fed the message that torturing is right. They’re threatened if they try to leave.

 I think that, whether they acknowledge it or not, the main reason torturers continue is because they know they’re at risk if they stop and they know they’ll be completely socially isolated if they stop.

 Of course sooner or later they do stop. It’s completely unsustainable.

 When they do they generally report isolation, low self esteem and difficulty functioning in society. They struggle to find and keep work. They struggle to form or maintain relationships. It wrecks their lives; the organisation chews them up and spits them out mangled to a point where they can’t navigate society.

 And because they rarely come to terms with what they’ve done they rarely recover.

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[ask-chef-teruteru]

Hey Teruteru! So, I have this problem with self esteem. Or- more specifically- about my body. I just worry that I'll never be desirable enough for a partner. I'm very overweight, and some of my.. parts, shall we say? Don't look that attractive when it comes to a usual standard. How can I be more confident? You always seem to have high spirits and high confidence, and I totally admire that.

“Oh, honey... Breaks my heart to hear that y’all think o’ yourself that way. Even if ya can’t believe it for me right now, I want you to hear me out; you’re not undesirable. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that there’s gonna be at least one person (and probably more than just one person) who’s gonna think you’re the most attractive thing they ever did see, n’ they’re gonna get butterflies in their stomach n’ damn near think their heart’s gonna stop if you so much as smile at ‘em. It’s a terrible misfortune that we’re always gonna have the disadvantage of never gettin’ to see ourselves the way other people— the way people who truly adore us— see us. Even with all the self confidence in the world, we don’t get to see exactly what they do.

High spirits n’ self confidence takes time. Lovin’ yourself is just as much of a process as lovin’ someone else—except the relationship you have with yourself is guaranteed to be lifelong. Makes it all the more important that ya try ‘n make it work, y’know?

It’s a process. Yeah, we probably all know somebody who had a love at first sight situation with themself and promptly probably got called a narcissist n’ an asshole for it, but we’ll circle back ‘round to this later, but I wouldn’t call it the norm. Even I myself struggled with bein’ kind to myself— still do sometimes, but it got easier once I started givin’ myself a chance n’ adjustin’ the way I was thinkin’ ‘bout myself.”

“Bein’ overweight happens. With the height I’m at, I should be ‘bout at least 60lbs. (27kg) lighter to be in the weight range I’m s’posed to be. I understand how y’all feel—truly I do. There’s societal pressure to look a very specific way, there’s media gettin’ shoved down everybody’s throats at all times sayin’ who is and who ain’t beautiful— whatcha gotta wear, whatcha can’t wear if ya got a certain body type, what makes ya look like a prude, what makes ya look cheap, what makes ya look like you’re tryin’ too hard, what makes ya look like ya don’t care. End o’ the day, fact is that them 'usual standards' ya mentioned are unachievable. Not by you, not by me, not by whoever they’re namin’ sexiest person of the year, not whoever’s throwin’ the opinion out there that sticks on what’s 'in', and not even whatever lovely person they use as the poster child for whatever the current look is. People got makeup on, people work their angles, people get photoshopped, people get cosmetic procedures done. I ain’t sayin’ that any o’ that stuff’s inherently wrong either, but it is wrong to try to set a standard o’ beauty that absolutely nobody has. Y’all know Kim Kardashian n’ Beyoncé n’ Channing Tatum n’ Jason Momoa n’ Jennifer Lopez n’ Scarlett Johansson n’ Leonardo DiCaprio, n’ Jessica Alba are all just a few celebrities who’ve been shamed for their looks? Y’all know most of ‘em are also considered the sexiest celebrities alive right now?

Bein’ overweight means you’re in the same boat as ‘bout 30% of the world’s population. That ain’t quite one for every three people, but it’s close. I think it’s fairly safe t’assume y’all got some friends in your life who’re overweight too, right? Would you consider them unattractive? Do any of them have partners? I want you to think n’ be as unbiased as you can be here. If ya truly don’t know nobody who’s overweight n’ still attractive or someone you’d date (or could reasonably assume someone else’d date), then maybe nothin’ I have to say’ll do ya much good.

Now, y’also mentioned certain parts o’ yours not lookin’ attractive to you. I hope it don’t come off as just me bein’ a pervert when I say that I ain’t entirely sure which ones ya mean n’ could use a bit more detail. Stretchmarks n’ cellulite’re common with people who’re overweight, but puberty can lead to stretchmarks too, n’ cellulite can show up on lean bodies over things like hormones n’ genetics n’ diet. Of course, those ain’t really 'parts', so let’s discuss some. How about chests? Did y’all know its considered normal for chests to be asymmetrical? Not common, but normal? They might be in different positions, one might be bigger’n the other, one might grow n’ the other might not. Sure, some differences are more dramatic than others, but them not bein’ a perfect match is the usual standard. While we’re up there, did ya’ll know it’s also normal for areolas to maybe not be the color or size you’re most used to seein’? How’s about nipples; did ya’ll know that them bein’ on the longer side or inverted ain’t weird neither? Not that out-of-the-norm for people to be born with three or more nipples sometimes?

Or, how about this: like with chests, did ya know it’s normal for things downstairs to be asymmetrical too? Don’t actually make a difference what equipment you’re workin’ with because it’s true for whatever you’ve got. Balls n’ lips ain’t gonna be even, n’ the color might not be what ya’ll think’s normal either.

Where are y’all gettin’ your usual standards when it comes to them parts, sweetheart? If it was from porn, ya can’t take that to heart. Porn has a way of givin’ expectations for what everything’s s’posed to look like, n’ while it can be fun to watch, it shouldn’t be taken as law for what everybody’s parts’re gonna look like. Might see somethin’ closer to what y’all might got in the amateur genres, but ultimately? It’s sorta like takin’ a look at Hollywood n’ expectin’ everyone to look that way. Chances are, if they look a certain way, they’re either bein’ paid to look that way or did somethin’ specific to achieve the look they got goin’ on.

If any o’ that was helpful or reassurin’ in any way, then I think it’ll be easier to work on your self confidence. Ah! And I said I’d circle back ‘round to somethin’ earlier! It’s okay to be a lil’ dramatic with it. I’m sure we’ve all said or heard somebody say somethin’ to the effect of ‘stubbed my toe n’ now I wanna die' or ‘gonna make my profile picture a trash can cause that’s me'— and I want you to go the opposite route for starters. 'Found the shirt I wanted to wear while I was in the dark, my night vision is amazing, I’m a god among men' or ‘I remembered my coupon for the oatmeal before it expired, the Quaker Oats man was so impressed that he personally came to life to shake my hand about it.' It can be ridiculous n’ stupid so long as it’s affirmin’. Findin’ little things ya like about yourself n’ listin’ ‘em off daily helps too, even if ya can only start as simple as sayin’ ya got a nice haircut or long eyelashes or a nice voice or dreamy eyes. There really is somethin’ to the whole ‘fake it ‘til ya make it' idea, n’ it can work if you hold yourself to it. Don’t even be afraid of comin’ off as arrogant with it right now, okay? The line from lackin’ self confidence to bein’ a narcissist ain’t a fine one.”

“Well, I feel like I been talkin’ forever, so I’m gonna leave it at that. I hope I touched on at least a lil’ somethin’ that might help y’all feel better, n’ I want ya to know that y’all can drop by any time ya please if ya want more encouragement or need me to elaborate on anything more or anything. Don’t be a stranger, n’ don’t ever forget that I love y’all!”

[bloodfcst-a]

the last few mornings i’ve had hanging out with @sailorrmood​ have been absolutely incredible for my self-esteem and energy. thank you always for being ready to hang out to dismantle sexism, ableism, racism, and all the other shenanigans we see on the internet in the name of virtue signaling and performance activism.

i’m attempting to return to tumblr, but one of the things that really grinds my gears is the pseudo-authenticity and one-time performance activism via a reblog of a semi-relatable post. i say semi because while there are good intentions in many of these posts, people often just click like or reblog without considering the lack of intersectionality that was in the main post, or figure “i did my part” and expect everyone else to move on without recognizing that the situation lies beyond your simple text post. just because you moved on from knowing people are being unfairly incarcerated and dying at the hands of actual criminals weaponized by the ‘ justice system ’ doesn’t mean i have, or will.

today i really read someone with their whole chest say “i just learned about racism this week. wow. i’m white and i should do something about things.” and i can’t even imagine what it’s like to live in a world with so much privilege that you can really go 20+ years of living without recognizing the world around you and without noticing inequality or injustice. caucasity is a hell of a thing. meanwhile i’m an afab nb black & native so truly there’s never a time i’m not reminded of all the privileges i don’t have. i get so annoyed seeing people on tumblr say something completely ignorant and then use an excuse.

just two days ago i saw someone say “it’s sexist to ship clerith and not cloti, i’d know, i’m a womanist.” << which is not womanism, this is truly white feminism at its peak. i’ve also seen “this is my opinion and to critique me and my opinion is transphobic because i’m trans and you’re missing my good intentions.” this is both fragility and performativity to overrule an actual discussion, claiming bc of some label they know to be a haute keyword that their opinion is right. if you were truly an ally, you’d be willing to accept that your opinion is lacking the inclusivity you claim to hold. for womanism was birthed from the lack of intersectionality and critical thinking, for those outspoken or overruled or considered inferior by radical “feminists.”

( if someone were truly womanist, for example, both aerith and tifa would both be validated as women, because they both have worth inherently because they were born, and it cannot be invalidated based on a perceived gender role that they may or may not fall into. they inherently have the right to comfortable in the position that suits them best and that they have chosen of their own accord. to consider aerith inferior because she is ‘feminine’ or tifa inferior because she is ‘masculine’ or any other adjectives which could stereotypically fall into either of those categories is an explicit rejection of the acceptance ‘feminism’ claims to advocate for. )

and being trans is a valid identity but it is not a suitable response if you use that as a way to silence others or invalidate any other person’s experiences.

i recognize june is considered pride month, but it’s also juneteenth... ironic, given that this month is supposed to be celebrating the  proclamation the emanicaption of slavery to the remainder of those who were still held in captivity six months after the declaration had been legally issued... and yet here we are, 150+ years after the fact and still fighting for the right to live under the same oppressors by a system created to capture the slaves freed by the emancipation proclamation.... but y’all aren’t ready to see the big picture. but you need to be. black people have been. and that’s why they’re fighting for their lives now.

we all still have plenty of work to do, myself included, with dismantling biases taught to us by society and the social spheres we interact in. there should never be a time where you think “ah, i’ve learned enough about this subject” or “i’ve heard enough stories.” even when something is presented to you, you should possess critical thinking skills and learn to take nothing at face-value. raise questions to everything you see, especially presented by the media, and prepare to be made uncomfortable if your assumptions are wrong ( because more than likely, they will be ). who is the person mentioning the subject? what other opinions do they have? are there people presenting counter-arguments? how does their identity influence the way they interact with the information mentioned? to who is their audience? for what purpose are they interacting with said audience? if that seems like too much work... congratulations! you’re quite privileged to acknowledge the inconvenience of having to look at someone’s words and think more than 0.5 seconds about it. and if that’s hard for you to do with one post, imagine someone having to do that with literally every interaction for their entire lives. that’s the reality of black people, and other people of color, and any person that has a label that has defined them as “other.” remember, too, that these labels do not exist independently of one another, that they stack, and that a person can easily have multiple privileges, or on the flip side, things to be persecuted over, multiple injustices to face.

is it hard? yes. scary? certainly. but you should bravely face it head-on, as i am and my ancestors have before me. for those of you who claim to herald truth and freedom and the equality of all humans, who recognize there is no place in a just world for superiority and supremacy, you should invoke your strength as well. use it in times where you may need to be corrected for your decisions. do not hide behind one of your identities to prevent yourself from doing the hard work of re-evaluating yourselves and the information you share. if you’re to claim you’re an ally of anyone, that first and foremost means to listen to other’s stories and to provide them the platform to be heard, to not erase their voices when they are the most affected by it. learn about new perspectives and then dare to journey into a new world with those ideals you claim to hold together.

i have the honor of leading anti-racism workshops this week at my job, but you don’t have to be an anti-oppression coordinator to do this important work. you just need to actually put some real effort into what you’re saying, thinking, believing. remember to be inclusive. remember to listen. and remember to love. and if you can’t do that, you can certainly unfollow me so i can get you the hell off my dash lmaooo. thank you mutual checker!!

so in conclusion... just do better, y’all. i’m tired of seeing fake woke folks. everyone can learn to be a better ally to each other. and most importantly... CLICK THE LINK BELOW.

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

kay thanks!!!

[eldritchsurveys]

957.

5k Survey LIV

2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? >> I’m not sure. I hope people realise that my last moment in any kind of school was in December of 2005 (and my last moment in high school was June of 2004). I can barely be arsed to remember anything from 15 years ago unless it’s trauma-related. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? >> I thought working as a merch seller for local bands was very interesting. I had a lot of fun. 2753. Do you feel: insignifigant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? >> I, personally, feel insignificant fairly often, but that doesn’t extend to thinking that other people are also equally insignificant.  2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: >> Just because I already have self-esteem problems doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and consciously make “do you have as much worth as these people” comparisons. 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? >> This is an immensely irritating line of questioning, I hope it’s over now.

2756. Is your mind in the gutter? >> My mind is not in the gutter. 2757. What do you have to complain about? >> Whatever I want to complain about. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? >> ... Yes? Pretty sure it still exists, regardless. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? >> I don’t know, try google. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? >> --- 2761. What are you doing, Dave? >> --- 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? >> People are already complete, despite however they may feel about themselves. I don’t understand what it means to look for someone who “completes you”, that sounds immensely absurd to me. So I guess I can’t really answer this question except to say “I don’t think people should be thinking about relationships in these terms...” 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? >> --- 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? >> Of course I need other people. The fact that I have an attachment disorder is a direct result of my inherent need for other people’s love and support going repeatedly ignored. Even besides that, I need other people to physically survive, because that’s how ecosystems work, and believe it or not, we are still part of nature and beholden to its cycles and systems. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? Is selflessness always good? >> No. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? >> Of course certain elements of my life as a social creature are controlled by power structures. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? >> Sigh. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? >> The entirety of capitalism. 2769. What is more important, a picture or it's frame? What is more important, spirituality or religion? >> These questions truly do get more baffling as time goes on. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the wword 'fuck'? >> I don’t have to come up with definitions, google is right there. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? Why or why not? >> The context in which a Black person says it is often a far different context from the one in which a white person says it. So, yes. It usually is less offensive by default, unless the Black person being addressed is uncomfortable with the word even when used in a friendly context. 2772. Do you rationalize often? >> Rationalise what? 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? >> I mean, yeah. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? >> *stares dully* 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? >> I only have Internet friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? >> The what?? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? >> I don’t know. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? >> I don’t think I have a favourite slang word. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? >> Slightly, because of noise issues. 2780. Is anything definate besides death and taxes? >> Taxes aren’t definite for everyone, but death certainly is. I don’t know what else is that predictable. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? >> Living slow sounds nice to me. However it ends. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? How do you think they live with themselves? >> Probably, but I don’t feel like it. I don’t care how they live with themselves. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? >> I can imagine any god I want to imagine. It’s really not that hard, there are already so many to choose from, even if just to use as a template. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? >> I don’t know, I’ve never paid a whole lot of attention to their lyrics. Their songs just sound pretty. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? >> I didn’t think that. I hope I won’t have cause to think it in the future. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! >> --- 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? >> I mean, yes, I know that. I live here. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? >> I don’t know if they’re right or not. I’m also not sure what the fuck powerful-ass finger you think we common folk all have. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? >> Didn’t a bunch of libertarians want to do this at some point? Anyway, I don’t know if this could work or not. I don’t know nearly enough about any of the elements involved to have an informed opinion about the feasibility of this kind of project. It does sound plenty audacious, though (and way too vague). 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Story? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? >> I do remember that, vaguely. I wanted to rewatch this movie but then I didn’t get to it in time and HBO took it down :( Anyway, I don’t know if I could stand myself if I looked into a mirror like that. I can’t conceptualise what that experience would actually be like. 2791. What is soilent green? >> Oh, you know. (That’s another movie I’d like to rewatch, in fact.) 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? >> *shrug* 2793. What things are hopeless? >> *shrug* 2794. What Are People For? >> Making Soylent Green out of. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? >> Any book could change someone’s life. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' >> No, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the administration during that time because I had a lot of personal issues taking up my immediate focus. But from what little I remember about it, it’d be a valid question to ask. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? >> Decaffeinated. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? lazer tag? which is better? >> I’ve never played these. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? >> A lot of ways, I guess. A lot of fucked up shit has happened, but a fair amount of strangely fortuitous stuff has happened, too. Guess something has to even the other shit out. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? >> “Black people don’t have equal opportunities in this country” is still a fact of life no matter what the fuck kind of car Jesse Jackson drives. Focusing on his personal “success” or whatever like that is just a diversion from the heart of the matter.

[uncloseted]

This is a little controversial but I think sexual attraction and romantic attraction can't be separated. I don't think you can be romantically attracted to someone without being sexually attracted to them. I DO think you can be sexually attracted to someone without being romantically attracted to them, in love with them, though. Which leads me to the idea that asexuality is a false thing that may come from self esteem issues rather than a real absence of sexual attraction. +

(sexual attraction anon) This is an opinion I hold privately, and I wouldn't impose it on someone who identifies as asexual. But I'm admitting it here because I think it's worth thinking about for people who consider themselves asexual. It might be an issue of not wanting to see yourself sexually, or not being comfortable with the concept of sex due to the inherent disgust it can bring. That's psychological issues to me and should be explored instead of taken as an intrinsic part of identity.            

I disagree.  Human sexuality is weird and comes in so many different configurations that it makes sense to me that some people are just sort of born without a sex drive the way that some people are born gay or trans.  If you can be sexually attracted to someone without being romantically interested in them, it makes sense to me that the opposite can happen, as well.

But the amount of teenagers on the internet who have claimed asexuality as part of their identity does concern me.  There are so many reasons why a person’s sex drive is low or nonexistent, and some of those reasons are actually quite serious in a larger context.  There are basically a few categories that I think need to be considered when talking about nonexistent sex drive: hormones, medical, psychological hangups, confused about gender, confused about sexuality.  For teenagers, I would also include a category that’s, “hasn’t reached sexual maturity yet”.

Digging into those categories, let’s start with hormones.  If you have a hormonal imbalance (low testosterone or estrogen), your sex drive can disappear (or, if you’re young enough, never develop).  Low hormone levels impact other aspects of a person’s life besides just sex drive- they’re also important for regulating bone and muscle growth, managing inflammatory responses, and regulating cholesterol levels, among other things.  Being on a hormonal birth control pill can also impact your hormone levels, and some recent studies have suggested that hormonal birth control can lessen sex drive.

Going along with that, reduced or nonexistent sex drive can be a symptom of non-hormonal medical issues as well. Arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and neurological diseases can all cause sex drive to disappear.  Mental illnesses, like depression and anxiety, can also cause a person’s sex drive to disappear.  Certain medications, like SSRIs (but also blood pressure medications, corticosteroids, opioid pain relievers) can also impact sex drive.  My point here is that before a person decides that asexuality is just a part of their sexual identity, they should make sure there aren’t other compounding factors on the medical side of things, because it could turn out to be a symptom of something more serious,

Then moving on to psychological hangups, I think there are a ton of different reasons why someone might be psychologically uncomfortable with sex.  This could be anything from past traumatic experiences regarding sex, anxiety about their partner’s expectations of them, anxiety about how their body looks, anxiety about how they’ll be viewed in society... I was talking yesterday about “accelerators” and “brakes” in female sexuality, and I think sometimes people confuse their brain hitting the brakes due to psychological distress with not being interested in sex at all.  I also think that sometimes people have underwhelming sexual experiences and assume the problem is that they’re just not interested in sex, when in actuality it was just bad sex.  All that might sound like a cop-out but it’s not.  Young people, especially young girls, are under a ton of pressure when it comes to their sexuality, and I understand the impulse to bow out entirely so as not to have to navigate it.  The trauma that comes from being shamed about your sexuality is real.  But I think it’s important to engage with those feelings and unpack them instead of ignoring them, particularly if the aversion to sexuality does come from a past sexual trauma.

Then there’s confused about gender or confused about sexuality.  Basically this is just what it sounds like; sometimes it takes a while for people to realize that they’re actually trans or gay, and in the interim they identify as asexual.  Sometimes this is because it’s psychologically easier to be asexual than it is to navigate what it means to be an LGBT+ person in society, and sometimes it’s because they just haven’t found themselves yet, but I think that’s important to consider as well.

And then there’s “hasn’t reached sexual maturity yet”. I got a bit skewered over this last time, I think, but I do stand by it.  A lack of sexual drive or attraction to people when you’re a teenager is not unusual and doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is asexual. Sexual attraction, sexual drive, and figuring out what you like in bed is something that a lot of people don’t really learn about themselvesuntil they’re in their late teens or early twenties.  Some people don’t even go through puberty until their late teens.  And women in particular just sometimes develop sexual feelings a little bit later than men, especially in countries where female sexuality isn’t talked about a lot/demonized/otherwise associated with shame (see above).

 I also think a lot of young people also have some misconceptions about what counts as “having sexual attraction” and what doesn’t- I think some people are under the impression that people who have sex drives want to have sex all day, every day, because of the way it’s portrayed in media, but that’s not true.  It’s super normal to not want to have sex all the time, and that doesn’t (necessarily) make a person asexual or demisexual. It just means they have a normally functioning sex drive. A lot of people also need to feel comfortable with a person before sexual feelings develop, and that’s normal, too- I think there’s a misconception that if you’re a sexual person, you feel sexually attracted to everyone who’s “hot”, and while that’s the case for some people, it’s not the case for everyone.  So I think sometimes it’s not actually a lack of sex drive, so much as the conditions aren’t right for the person to feel and recognise that they’re feeling sexual attraction, if that makes sense (again, accelerator/brake). 

I think ultimately this boils down to a fundamental question- does your lack of sex drive cause you pain, psychological distress, or interfere with your life?  If the answer is yes, then I don’t think it can be considered part of identity.  If the answer is no, then I think it can absolutely be a facet of a person’s identity.  But I worry that not enough people are examining/working on their relationship with their sexuality before deciding that they just don’t have one.  That said, I also think that people are just trying to figure themselves out, and it’s okay if they identify as asexual and then realize down the line that they’re actually something else.  Identity is a process of discovery, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out who we actually are.

TL;DR: asexuality is definitely a thing and can absolutely be a facet of a person’s identity.  That said, I think it’s important to explore and question your relationship with your body and sexuality to see if there are other factors that might be at play, especially factors that have larger ramifications than just a person’s sex life.  Sometimes it’s a sexual orientation, and sometimes it’s a sexual dysfunction, but I think it’s important to know which is which.

[traincat]

Hi, I'm thinking about diving into the world of AU's and I'd like to attempt to make a story featuring Villain! Spider-Man. If you don't mind, I'd like to hear your thoughts on some villain essentials like: What would his goals be? What would he do to achieve them? How far would his flaws expand? How would he treat his friends/ family, if he even has any left? And would it be different from the actions of the morally problematic Superior Spider-man? Thanks for your time ~

So for me, when considering villain!Peter, the thing is I don’t he would be that far a departure from regular Peter – as in, for me, Peter is a character who works to be good, but is not necessarily inherently good, which makes it very easy to imagine scenarios where he’s bad. For me, a lot of it comes out of Amazing Fantasy #15, Peter’s origin story:

“I’ll see to it that they’re always happy, but the rest of the world can go hang for all I care!” There is this great combination of selfishness, righteousness, and anger at Peter’s core where I think, if you tweak the origin story just so slightly, you can send him down a different path super easily. For instance, if you don’t kill Uncle Ben – fast forward a couple of years and Ben and May are living in a beautiful condo in Florida, so proud of their successful nephew and blissfully unaware of what exactly he does to come by all that money. I’m very partial to a Kingpin-ish king of crime type villain Peter, so I think that’s one way to go there, with a Peter who feels like he can just take whatever he wants because he’s entitled to it, unhindered by the doublesided coin of guilt and responsibility. 

Alternatively, you could kill off Ben in a way where Peter feels no responsibility – only anger. Kill Aunt May, and you remove Peter’s guiding light as a young man and his biggest source of morality. Don’t kill Peter’s parents – or kill them when he’s much older – and turn his anger on SHIELD, so then you’ve got a villain interested through good ol’ parental trauma in taking down a secret agency. I’ve only mentioned origin story twists so far, but I don’t think that’s the only way to go. Not to sort of spoil my own WIP, but I was dissatisfied with Zdarsky’s take on a villainous Peter in Marvel Two-In-One (and I found the “he’s bad so he’s ~unhinged~” take somewhat offensive) – but I was very interested in the fact that this evil!Peter was spun out of Civil War, and I knew instantly what I had to do with his story to get him to go full evil warlord dictator (with bonus murder). For me, it’s all looking at the material and shifting the puzzle pieces around to get a Peter who is still Peter Parker, but who now fits the story I want him in, and sometimes it’s about figuring out what buttons would have to be pushed to get him there. What If? Back In Black, for example, has Peter kill the Kingpin with one punch after Mary Jane is shot and killed instead of May.

I don’t think this is the only way to write a villain!Peter AU, it’s just how I go about planning when I think about the subject. 

To go back to the Amazing Fantasy #15 panel above – I think Peter would treat his loved ones quite well, even as a villain. Peter likes being a protector; I don’t think that would change, I just think that would shift. His possessive tendencies would probably be ramped up and I think he might be overprotective to a fault or downright smothering, which could chase people away, but in my opinion he would think he’s being perfectly reasonable. (This is why I tend to think Spideytorch works with villain!Peter because Johnny’s self-esteem isn’t good enough not to get steamrolled by a much stronger personality might kind of like the overbearing amounts of attention/being someone’s sole live-or-die focus, especially if you strip away his family and/or his powers.)

As for goals, I think you need to look at what you want for your AU. Peter’s very versatile here: he’s smart, he’s strong, he’s cunning, and you could use him in a variety of ways. While I’m partial to a kingpin of crime take, you could also easily have him as more of a traditional costumed criminal or use Peter’s love of science to plunge him into the evil scientist role. Doctor Octopus is interesting because he is in a way a twisted mirror image of Peter: an unpopular brilliant young student with an overprotective mother and a salt of the earth father who suffers a lab accident that transforms him forever. This is part of the reason Superior Spider-Man disappoints me in addition to my dislike of it: the parallel is right there. On the subject of Superior, to address your question, I think the point’s a little moot: unless your villain!Peter is snatching someone else’s body and posing as them, the premise is always going to be different than Superior Spider-Man, which featured Otto using Peter’s body and identity to trick the people in Peter’s life and to “be a better” Spider-Man than Peter. So imho that’s automatically just very different than a “Peter Parker, but evil” premise.

I’d start asking yourself questions about the particular villain!AU you want to tell with Peter: what are his goals? Money? Power? Control over New York, his home? The safety and protection of his loved ones, and he’ll do whatever he has to do to ensure that? Who do you want him to fight? Other heroes? Other villains? A power struggle between Peter and the Kingpin is going to look different than one between him and the Green Goblin. Is it a love story? Could Peter’s love interest live with what he’s doing? Do you want them to be able to? If so, do you have to shift the pieces around in their backstories to make it fit? (This is why I tend to put a villain!Peter with a powerless!Johnny who doesn’t have anyone but him. Unhealthy! But fun and dramatic.) 

One thing to remember with 616 Peter is that, at the end of the day, he doesn’t really believe in anyone’s authority but his own – that’s what allows Spider-Man to function the way that he does. If you give that tendency over to someone who is out for himself, who never tamps down on that selfishness in order to embrace responsibility, who has the power and the ability to take what he wants, whatever that may be? You can end up with a very effective villain. In a lot of ways, as a hero, Peter stands in the way of succeeding for himself; that’s the trade off he’s made to be able to protect people on the ground, the people who matter to him. But villain!Peter wouldn’t feel that way towards strangers, and I think the flipside of that is that he would be incredibly ambitious -- which is one of the reasons I trend towards a Kingpin Peter. But ultimately I think a villain!Peter is going to do his best to accomplish his goals, without worrying about who is in the way.

If you want some additional inspiration, I have a villain!Peter Spideytorch aesthetic here, and @splendidnothings has a whole villain!Peter tag that I love. We both trend more towards the Kingpin!Peter type, though.

[myfandomrambles]

Maya Hart Character Analysis (Expanded)

Facts:

Kermit was an extremely neglectful father. He eventually abandoned them completely when Maya was about 6

Befriended Riley by running through the windows around age 5 or 6 and stayed friends throughout the show

Her mother, Katy, was emotionally neglectful, putting her emotional issues, fixations and jobs over Maya's needs

She grew up in a lower socioeconomic class then her friends

Befriended and became deeply connected and protective of Farkle at a young age

Struggled in school academically and behaviorally

She latched on to the Matthew family. Going to their house as a sense of stability going there for food and basing her schedule on theirs.

Openly expressed fear around being inadequate and broken. Also expressed hopelessness.

Befriended Lucas, expressed romantic interest in him later on which created an emotionally complicated situation with her friends.

Formed a strong connection with Shawn Hunter, bonding over a history of feeling abandoned and neglectful parents.

Shawn married her mother and adopted her.

Developed a strong crush of Riley’s Uncle Josh. He was old enough for the relationship to be inappropriate by a maturity gap.

While undergoing a lot of personal change she had what was perceived as a kind of identity crisis around trying to be more like “Riley”.

Expressed a stronger sense of hope near the end of the show.

Her parents had a toxic possibly abusive marriage 

Analysis:

Maya Hart loves her friends more than anything, has a habit of getting into trouble, and loved art. She was also deeply shaped by her father’s abandonment and her mother’s emotional neglect. She struggles with a fear of abandonment, anger, a sense of disconnection and views herself as a fundamentally broken person. This is established right away in Girl Meets World (1x01) she assumes Cory think she is not good enough for Riley and believes thinks he would be right to think that. Maya says on more than one occasion that she doesn’t get her hopes up, and doesn’t view the future as good. In Girl Meets Forgiveness Project (2x23) we see how much guilt, anger, self-blame and shame Maya had based on her Father leaving her and having not been there for her before he left

Maya is generally over realistic she believes her view of the world should be down to earth, practical and this often ends up as negative. This comes in a large part from her mother’s continuous inability to accept reality. Katy calls herself an actress when this has never been her job. We see how this affects their relationship and stresses Maya out in Girl Meets Maya’s Mother (1x07) and Girl Meets Master Plan (1x18). In Girl Meets I Do (3x11), she describes the aftermath of her father leaving them, “Just ‘cause I could always hear my mother crying in her bedroom. I’d try to go in and stop her from crying… but I couldn’t.” The fear of having to go through that again with the person who is meant to watch her falling apart, slows her ability to enjoy and move forward during Katy and Shawn's wedding.

However, her impulsivity and creativity often bump up against this practicality when she feels vulnerable like in the first episode or Girl Meets Hollywood (3x18) or when Riley and she get themselves wound up in some kind of scheme like in Girl Meets Farkle's Choice (1x19) or Girl Meets STEM (2x26). Her identity is linked to a fundamental level to her relationship with Riley. In Girls Meets Upstate (3x06) Maya explains how Riley’s family gave her a sense of safety and that she sees protecting Riley as her job. Maya pretty much always takes Riley's side even when she doesn't agree with her perspective. When Riley wants to take away the bay windows in Girl Meets Bay Window (2x29) Maya is deeply unhappy at the idea of losing this and multiple times through the show while she tries to be chill and realistic but when Riley tries to change their relationship she tends to get very emotional. In Girl Meets Yearbook (2x12) Maya tries hard to prove to Riley that they need her for who she is even dressing up as her, Maya loses herself in that identity though wanting to be things that Riley is that she doesn't know how to be.  

Maya is deeply protective of all her friends. The hard exterior she uses to protect her own friends allows her to not usually be as affected during fights like in Girl Meets Riley Town (2x17). With Farkle, Maya has a very "only I can pick on him" kind of approach, being very upset when others treat him badly but enjoy teasing him with their other friends. He is flirty with both her and Riley and they generally don't mind, Farkle also doesn't really mind when they like anyone else and dating Smackle himself. He considers them his girls stating he loves them both Maya seems to take great comfort in this. They are pretty different in a lot of ways but in general play off each other well balancing a lot of the others fears, a good example of their relationship is in Girl Meets Money (2x27) when she helps him understand that not having lots of money is fine because she knows how to be happy with what she does have.

Lucas is also one of the few people who can go toe to toe with her in trading jabs and sarcasm. He's not easily bothered by her and this annoys Maya a lot. In the beginning, I think it's trying to push him away to some extent as he drops into their life quickly and Riley and Farkle keep him around. He gains Maya’s trust through showing her he will protect her friends and him showing Riley and Farkle kindness. Their trading of jabs becomes a lot more friendly. She develops a crush on Lucas, later on, it's confusing as Riley also a crush on him. It causes a lot of emotions and confusion between all three of them. Maya later works out that her emotions were confused with overlapping feelings for him, Riley, and Josh Matthews. This is also tied to the plot about Maya's identity confusion.

Maya's relationship with Smackle is friendly throughout the whole show. They are never particularly close but they do like each other. She and Zay hit it off pretty well both being rebellious, she helps him put his focous on his friends. Her relationships with the other Matthew's are also deeply important. Cory acts as her first real father figure, and Topanga fills in a lot of the mothering gas Katy left. She cares for and likes Auggie a lot, but tends to have the same blind spots as Riley sometimes sees him as a bit annoying or doesn't take him into account. She also has a deeply moving scene of Ava helping her through her parents' breakup.   Her crush on Josh, in my opinion, is a bit unhealthy. While there are only four years between them they have a huge maturity gap. When they meet he is a junior in high school, Maya is middle schooler essentially a child though he doesn't explicitly say he likes her but does call her pretty. In Girl Meets Ski Lodge (3x12/13) he does return Maya's romantic affection which is creepy, he is in college and she is a freshman in high school.  From Maya's point of view, it's a natural crush on someone too old but because it ends in a "someday" I think is not a good way for her to move forward. It comes across too close to waiting until she's legal, and can stop her from fining a different partner. I also think this shows an odd pattern, her other major crush being Lucas neither of them is people she could have. They are also both very linked to Riley while not inherently bad it's interesting.

Shawn and Maya become close quickly, Riley notices that she and Shawn might be experiencing similar problems and quickly forces them to see this too. Riley was correct they both experienced abandonment, poor parental relationships and live in comparably low-income situations. They realize their the same, in the context of these shared histories and in reacting to it as being hyper-protective of their friends, impulsivity and anger. Shawn lets her know that he wants to stop anyone from growing up like that, and through his actions lets her know he wants to make explicitly her life better. They form a father-daughter relationship culminating in his marrying her mother and adopting her. Shawn helping her and caring for her I think is one of the pivotal aspects of her rising self-esteem and eventual ability to say “I’m not giving up hope just yet. I just got it.” in Girl Meets Hurricane (2x9)

In the third season Maya makes some real personal strides her outbursts decrease in severity, she starts preparing her relationships and does better in schools. However she also shifts her presentation to an “un-Maya” way, the others frame it as “becoming Riley” in Girl Meets Triangle (3x05), Girl Meets Upstate (3x06), & Girl Meets Real Maya (3x07). There is some truth, but there is also a kind of troubling implication that there isn’t internal personal growth that can come from multiple influences. I think the others probably are worried by the smaller changes she makes like say her clothes, but that Riley sees this in Maya doing better in school and behaviour I think is a little bit of Riley's own insecurity showing through. In Girl Meets True Maya (3x07) when Maya describes her impulse control as a version of Riley, this is slightly sad as the "good" in her for some reasons can only come from Riley and not be an integral part of who she is. Maya was able to have positive growth because of the influence of everyone, her friends at school, the Matthews, Shawn, and her semi-repaired relationship with her mother. Another huge aspect of this was her starting to have closure with her father, and being older. Maya is a deeply headstrong girl who loves fiercely and finds a lot of comfort in art. She shows quite a bit of growth and starts to work through her trauma in a semi-realistic model, though it would be important for her to continue to address head-on. Maya works hard to grow up and is an amazing friend and family member.

ADHD:

Trouble focusing

Struggles in school

Impulsive

Excess energy

Strong emotional reactions

Hyperarousal

RSD

Distracts easily

Hyperactive

Feeling broken

Hopelessness

Feelings of abandonment

Low self-esteem

Empty feeling

Trouble regulating emotions

Trouble with identity

Acts out because of feelings of abandonment and being inadequate

Fatigue

Oscillates between strong emotions and lack of emotion

Depression:

Feeling broken

Hopelessness

Feelings of abandonment

Low self-esteem

Empty feeling

Trouble regulating emotions

Trouble with identity

Acts out because of feelings of abandonment and being inadequate

Fatigue

Oscillates between strong emotions and lack of emotion

[fanfictionlive]

Arriving at an optional, unplanned plot point: Plotting a Romance where Guy has to earn back trust with his Love Interest, but making it satisfying and not icky.

I haven't posted my current chapter as of yet for this reason.

My charas are 20 and in a FwB arrangement. They're childhood friends and have a lot of UST and romantic tension, but they haven't seen each other in 5 years.

He's been pining for her but it resembles infatuation. She does love him, but isn't interested in reciprocation for reciprocation's sake. She's happy enough to have the memories they made together in their youth.

The girl is hella dandere, like reclusive, cynical/idealistic, kind of Peter Pan-syndrome-ish, has trust issues. She requested at the beginning that they stay FwBs so that way there's no drama, only fun. The protag is girl crazy amd bit of an attention whore. He was a parentified child and doesn't know how to feel important without being useful. Therefore, his intentions as her 'fixer/rescuer' started off genuine as it was inherent to his 'heart of gold' character in boyhood, but now are somewhat corrupted by his unresolved needs. (Also he has had a bad habit of saying 'This will be good for you.') And she's at the point where she wants to get away from him, no fucks even if he means well.

In Socionics terms, I think this resembles the 'Supervisor-Supervisee' dynamic.

Example: He brought her to a cat café where a friend works. She's a cute girl and the LI doesn't recognize her from their school day clique. Café girl asks if LI is his girlfriend. He says yes while trying to grab her hand, but LI keeps evading his advances and it's kind of silly looking.

Other stuff happens, but mainly after getting pushed too far, the shy LI finally explodes on him, she brings this moment up as another insult to her as his friend, saying he doesn't tell a cute girl he has a GF to state that he's taken, he does it to look more desireable to other women.

Most of the things she says strike true, and he reluctantly confesses that he doesn't want to find out someone else can love her better than he can, which is why he can't seem to help but only nourish her self-esteem up to a point. He thinks she can do better, but he doesn't want her to.

So this is the point where her trust is broken. A pile up of tiny, tiny, tiny transgressions.

I'm not sure whether to commit to a subplot or entire plot of him earning her trust back. (Originally, this was supposed to be 21 chaps of straight smut buuuut then character study happened. :B )

Tbh, I'm not yet sure what she needs to trust him again, but thinking is kind of all I'm good at and hopefully I'll figure it out sooner than later.

I know that forgiveness is easy, but trust is not. I also don't want to undermine her newfound agency and all that crap. This is my OTP so idk why I went and sabotaged them, but I do need them to end up together in some capacity by the end. (And deliver the promise of episodic smut. x_x )

Tldr; Just curious if anyone has an opinion on 'earn back trust' in Romances. I'm aware that execution is key. Anything can be a good idea but executed horribly, but I'm kind of tunnel-visioning right now and need a new perspective.

-- Thanks in advance!

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