#also i have a test tomorrow help
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having plenty of energy yet knowing you'll be tired af tomorrow is truly awful
#cause like i could do anything right now#but it's midnight#and i'll have to wake up early#and i will regret my life choices in the morning#yet here i am posting on this silly app#also i have a test tomorrow help#what is this energy for#how am i supposed to sleep#but of course i'm always super tired during the day#can we switch day and night?#it's awful#ari posts
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Fiyero Failed Flirting Attempt #17: I finally gave Elphaba the romantic poem I wrote her, she returned it with edits and said I’d probably get a B+.
In hindsight, I really should have put her name in it.
Addtl. Note: I never got a grade that high in Poetry before. Feldspur says maybe she graded me a curve because of feelings? So either she likes me or my poetry is improving?
Ideas for Attempt #18:
1.
#hollypunkerspost#wicked#wicked fiyero#fiyero tigelaar#fiyeraba#this took embarrassingly long cause i got high in the middle#also fiyero: galindas advice to keep a diary is not helping me sleep. is a b+ bad?#fiyero: 😰 i cant sleep i have an archery meet and a test tomorrow#meanwhile elphaba: 🥰 i cant believe fiyero trusted me to help him with such a personal piece of homework. he’s really trying so hard 🖤#100 notes
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Art of Patroclus wearing Achilles’s armour that I did while writing an essay for my Greek and Roman Lit class last week
#doctorsiren#the iliad#patroclus#achilles#greek mythology#greek mythology art#digital art#my art#procreate#I showed it to my teacher and he was like :O!!!#and then he showed it to the class yesterday#and also I told him about Epic and apparently he’s already listened to it and thinks it’s super cool#and he told the class that I said more art was to come. especially for the odyssey HELP HAHAH#this is the SAME professor who knows I’m into Ford Pines LMAOOO#I did the art for fun but I think I’m getting extra credit for it hehe#this teacher also asked us if we knew what skibidi meant…he’s such a confused dad it’s so funny#very fun class#except I have my first test for it tomorrow so…let’s see if I still like it after that /silly#I was writing my essay about Achilles’s prayer to Zeus to keep Patroclus safe#and in the middle of it I was like ‘no…I need to draw something for this NOW’ and I did
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Here is the slut.
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#my art#glenn close#i have to wake up at 5 and write a math test tomorrow so you guys better be greatful i did this#cause i spend way too long trying to draw glenn hot like wayyy too long#i did not do school work cause of this#i dont even care about that damn pole i dont#but here is dilf glenn are you happy now?#are you satisfied?#i nearly cried cause of this damn drawing#also cause i lost my fave necklace down a fucking sink drain and am gonna have to beg some people tomorrow to help me get it out#at lesst im getting my hair dyed#i also have like two tests wendesday and like a bilion projects for thursday and Friday and all i did was draw hot glenn#im gonna go drink my hour old coffee and cry now#honestly vote carlos hes not a dick that sucks to draw#hot glenn autumn
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Love her even though I’m not supposed to ❤️ she keeps me up
#rottmnt#raphael hamato#casey jones#Cassandra jones#rasey#I don’t ship this version of rasey but I do#they’re lesbians your honour#contemporary style#textures#I love textures#played with some new ones here tooo#messed around with colours and got stuck deciding between these#just really wanted to draw these too because I finally started watching rise properly with my friend after 7 months of saying I would#and the itch was real I HAD to scratch it#we’re halfway through s2 btw#of course we saw s1 case couldn’t lift weights so this would have to be after some rep sessions I think#also Raphs fitting because I have a blood test tomorrow and as she said tests are easy it’s the answers that are hard#anyway shoutout to rena for helping me with the caption#and also to little me who wanted to be the biggest strongest kid and also a little baby who could be carried#both can and will co exist for raph
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Just had something happen to me which was very close to a situation I often have nightmares about, and I thought those nightmares were a bit over the top, like, you know, the way dreams tend to be...
Well turns out the dreams weren't exaggerating at all. In fact it's worse in real life. The nightmares were the game turned on easy mode. :)
#untaggged#Definitely not the worst part of the thing but...#...tbh i'm very unnerved because a friend kind of knows about it cause i was supposed to see her and cancelled because of the situation#and i'll see her tomorrow and she's going to ask about it and i'm going to explain#but#she tends to give all too easy solutions to every problem i mention#and put the blame on me in a way i don't always find fair or make me wish for a bit more clemency#so i'm bracing myself for that and i can't help but kind of see it as a test and i'm kind of scared she is going to fail said test that i#don't even want to be a test in the first place...#because she's a friend and i like her but if she finds a way to blame me or tell me how i could have done things better as if it was easy#i'm going to be uncomfortable#and my trust will be a bit eroded whether i want it or not#But also maybe she'd be right to blame me? I *am* disappointed in myself and i do see that i could have done things differently...#not all my actions were particularly smart
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I literally think I am in part so dysregulated today because of how upset I got about Arcane's s2 treatment of disability this weekend lol. It's Only League Of Legends TV Show.
#i want it to be like. the 29th. done with family visit and have work off and can just chill for a few days#but having next week off but i have to be around family for xmas is Not Helping#aaaaaaaA#i have a whole User Access Testing thing i have to do for epic tomorrow for work and i would like not to#but i would really like to not do anything at all so. not useful feeling.#also spiralling about Various Current Events a bit so idk. maybe today is just cursed. get it together man.#txt
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No crafting updates today, but I did bake a spiced pumpkin cake! And I made salted caramel sauce this weekend, so tomorrow I'll make the salted caramel frosting. My hip's doing better than it was yesterday, but now the muscles around my knee on that same side are rebelling, so still no iron or rotary cutter for me
#the person behind the yarn#it's that pesky 'don't use objects that would be dangerous if you had a muscle spasm while you are having muscle spasms' rule#like. it's worked. I have not injured myself with the rotary cutter or the iron at all#and considering I have various conditions that boil down to 'might pass out disease' that's no small accomplishment!#and like I did implement that rule because of the one time my leg did buckle while I was using the rotary cutter#like. I managed to flick the safety on it as I was falling#but I don't want to rely on that consistently happening#and my muscles are twitching from mid calf to my lower back on that side#which is still better than yesterday where it was from head to foot!#sometimes I just have to remind myself that rule exists for a reason#and that I should not test its necessity#and also like. sometimes I have to say out loud (or in tags) the small victories#could not make the quilt today but I did make the cake! successfully estimated what I could make#for family dinner tomorrow! I wanted to volunteer to make more but limited myself to dessert and made the components separately and ahead o#time and I might need help making frosting tomorrow but that's okay#I am going to sit here with my hot water bottle and electrolytes and play stardew valley some more
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Skytober 2024 day 28: ultimate
Look! It's a mini you
#i thank my friend for the caption#also this is really rushed cuz i have a test tomorrow lmao#wish me luck#my art#sky children of the light#sky cotl#artists on tumblr#skytober#traditional art#oc#idk help me
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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Just remembered I have a psychiatrist appointment so early tomorrow. And I obviously dyed my hair so recently because there's green staining on my face. I don't think it's going to look great for the bipolar diagnosis, to disclose that I was feeling impulsive and wanted to get control over something, so I dyed my hair at midnight.
#i dont really like this psychiatrist but ive only seen her once so i figured i should give her one more shot#last time i saw her she adked how i liked my anxiety meds#i said i love them. theyre helpful and have no side effects since my body got used to them#and i said i explicitly didnt like ky old ones cuz of how they made me feel#she prescribed the old ones and said i should just tey taking a smaller dose. even though im on meds i like#but the bigger problem is#we went over all my previous medications. ive been on several. a lot of antidepressants especially which is really bad for bipolar#the worst antidepressant cause pericarditis (swelling around my heart) that made me go to the emergency room#we went over that. i told her everything i just told you#my bipolar leans heavily into the depression so she decided to tey another antidepressant along with my mood stabilizer#can you guess which antidepressant she prescribed? can you??#and i didnt realize it at the time because she called it the generic name so i couldnt explain she shiuldnt prescribe me that#and i meant to callher about it but it completely slipped my mind and i thought i had more time#and then suddenly my appointment is tomorrow#or the other thing she recommended was lithium. which feels like wuite an escalation#eapecially since she said it can cause irreversible damage to (maybe remembering this wrong) my kidneys#like i feel like there must be a better option. none of which are anxiety meds i dont like. an antidepressant that sent me to the hospital#or something that could cause irreversible damage. like i feel like theres a better way#i also need to talk to her about setting up an adhd assessment#i had an assessment a few years ago in which i was told im 'too smart to have adhd'#calling adhd people not smart is bullshit. you cant be too smart to have adhd. and i feel like i was just dismissed because im female#he said he wished he could score as hugh as i did on the knowledge tests#man me too. maybe then you wiuldnt be such an idiot. how did you get a license to practice. how did you pass any higher education#are you just a random guy that walked in off the street? i refuse to call him a doctor#i call him a quack or by his full name because i don't think he deserves the respect of that title#what was i talking about. oh yeah trying another assessment with an actual doctor this time#wish me luck with my appointment tomorrow bcuz she might try to kill me again#or dismiss my concerns of adhd like she dismissed my dislike for my old anxiety meds#im in hell. being mentally ill is hell a little bit#actually its not. im fine with my mental illness. im not fine with how doctors treat me because of it
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i have my first infusion tomorrow and the Anxiety is kicking in and i am trying so so hard to keep it calm
#marzi speaks#marzivents#EASY boy down boy it’s okay#i’m stressed bc i don’t know if i should bring any paperwork. or medication#(i’m gonna bring some of my meds in a purse just in case)#i don’t know what questions my rheum’s gonna ask#i don’t know what i’m going to do in terms of getting food#will the hospital provide a meal or will i have to request it from outside#i don’t know if my mom will be with me the whole time or just drop me off or if she’ll stay for some of it and then leave#i don’t even know what the infusion center looks like#all i know is that i’m gonna sit with a needle in my arm for 4-6 hours and that i should respond well to it#and my anxiety stems from Not Knowing i HATEEEE not knowing things#uuuuggghhhh it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. the staff at that hospital are lovely and used to helping stressed kids#so they can help if i have an anxiety attack#and it wouldn’t be embarrassing bc i went through a traumatic experience and these people help people for a living#so it’s gonna be fine. but i hate that i don’t know how it works#will i be in my own little room for a little bit? i imagine not. is there any privacy?#or am i just going to be sitting with a bunch of other people getting chemo?#i don’t KNOW. i don’t know and i really don’t like it#but i need to go to sleep soon. but i still have this stupid insomnia even though i’m tired#probs gonna have to warn my mom that i’m gonna be a little neurotic tomorrow. bc i hate this anticipation actually it makes me feel awful#and like with the follow-up with my rheumatologist that’s also gonna be happening#what kind of questions will she ask? what kind of things will i need to know? ohhh god#ok deep breaths. relax. it is late and i am tired and therefore more prone to catastrophizing#i do know this doctor. i know she is kind and patient. this is not a test. it’s going to be okay#gotta remind myself that it’s gonna be okay. do my cyclical breathing and try to relax physically#the mental will follow as the fatigue sets in#okay. okay. we’re a little calmer. still not Plussed but we’re okay#gonna try to get sleepy now
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bf says ive been going thru it and doing really well at that. bursts into tears.
#im like a toddler that needs a nap except ive badly needed a nap every minute of every day for a week because covid#and im trying really hard#im actually really okay. i don't have my first math test for another week and two days and if i did terrible on#the bio test today my lowest test grade gets dropped and it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.#i am recovering and working and in a class that is very hard for me and i miss simon so bad. i was too tired to drive last weekend#and couldn't go the one prior to that bc covid obviously#it's okay it's okay it's okay#also im getting the depo provera shot in november. i'm fully over it#also the fatigue is getting better by the day. it's okay. it's okay#getting the shot. seeing si on friday. my math prof is very kind and understands that i'm struggling and wants to help. fatigue is getting#better. turns out i don't have work tomorrow. im gonna play valo w seity sometime soon that will be SO fun.#new comfy desk chair. im gonna put something on and work thru my math hw and submit questions without feeling bad about it#it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay. im being sooo brave.#he also said it's insane that i've had to work this week because i'm very much still symptomatic. it got me really good this time#the initial sickness wasn't nearly as severe as the last time i had covid but this one is more drawn out#im still having sinus symptoms/pain on top of the fatigue. cried in my car both days that i worked 👍 it's okay. it's okay
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random oc doodles I have that no one asked for 😼
#im going to write a whole essay in tags dw abt me guys#anyways haha#my oc mau never beating these gojo allegations#maybe thats why I like gojo sm I see him as my silly son😭#I dont think ill care if this flops I just want u guys to see them I love my sillies so much#also I dont want to be strictly jjk artist so😼 watch me figure my own account out#kinda want to do trigun art too... or genshin.. I have had so many silly moments in coop#most fucked up thing is how little time I have#saw screenshots of new jjk episode AND I CANT WATCH IT (maybe saturday though)#literally did biology homework FOR THREE HOURS#OUR FIRST BIOLOGY LESSON IS TOMORROW!! WE HAVENT EVEN MET THE TEACHER YET#I think I have a test tomorrow in swedish 😨#also my roommate broke the lamp trying to help me change the trash bag (old one had broken somehow)#I vaccuumed the floor like 6 times#I still find glass#its like glitter#its on the floor its in her hair its in the corridor its in my slippers and I even found one in my foot#oc#own character#art#digital art#artists on tumblr#guys could u tell but I hate musk so sooooo much#mau and sol#I have a pan on my shelf#theres an amogus plushie in it#I miss artfight it was so much fun#(I was fighting for my life trying to revenge everyone)
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ive spent like 4 hours just staring at my math homework LET ME OUTTTT
#i also spent like 40 minutes in class staring at it. like i genuinely cant get it thru my head#i cannot do this shit i dont have the mental capacity#i hate mcqs. who put me in ap precal#do i just skip this assignment.... i have an 84% in this class rn#yea im not doing it ill be fine lolol maybe ill do some of it tomorrow n get my friends to help me w it#SHOUT OUT AERIES WHAT IF MODE 🙏 literally itll only drop my grade by <2%.. n these r test points yea im not stressing over 1%#im actually good at math its just i cannot comprehend word problems. also i didnt have a math teacher for like half the year so that too#cam says stuff
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