#also i feel like it wouldve been so much worse if i wasnt taking my pro biotics

[wizardkoolkelpie]

my handsome lovely darling made me some paneer pakoras in the oven cuz we didn't want to cook or order out and they tasted so good so I was like surely they wouldn't hurt me........I was so wrong 😭

[boredclarinet]

GUYS GUYS IM GONNA DO TMA SONG ASSIGNMENTS AGAIN AND THIS TIME I WILL NOT RUIN MY MOOD CAUSE WE’RE DOING NOAHFINNCE (i discovered colors)

also i realize there ARE spoilers… so. spoiler warning.

EPs & SINGLES

Asthma Attack - i wanna say Danny Stoker and I don’t know why (i do but im shit at articulation. im like one of those lego characters that were marketted towrds girls and whatever i have no clue where i was going with this)

Underachiever - jon.

STUPID - S5 Jon

STUFF FROM MY BRAIN

LIFES A BIT - Tim Stoker ily. or jon ig but i like tim more.

(already did STUPID)

PITY - Melanie

MIND BLANK NO THOUGHTS - this is just the archives.

KICKIN TRASH - Gerryyyyyyyy

WEIRDOS - Okay hear me out: Jon and Daisy. not shipping. but like, in s4. their besties. monster besties. i love them.

MY BRAIN AFTER THERAPY

WORMS (In My Brain) - this is specifically for @wormpiratesblog. this is our queen worm mommy jane prentiss .

I JUST WONT CARE - Martin blackwood. like s3/s4/s5 when he just straight up gave up you know? mainly s4.

BETTER DAYS - the archives my beloved. esp like Tim when he had hope or whatever. did he ever have hope? i dunno. but before sasha died ya know? or melanie. tim and melanie ily. oh ans martin. martin fits too.

CHASING DAYLIGHT - time sasha. this is my curse.

TELL ME THAT YOUR OKAY - BASIRA AND DAISYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I LOVE MY COODEPENDENT COPS!!!! THIS IS MY FAVORITE COP SHOW!!!!

AFTER THERAPY - hear me out( again) - people giving jon statement and just having an even worse time afterwards. you get my vision? yeaaahhhh you get it.

LALALA - i just am thinking of like, the young hip avatars v the old white men. ya know?

No Point Pretending - S4 archives after the circus. theres a vision. im so smart. guys im a genius dont even doubt.

AND NOW FOR THE ALBUM!

GROWING UP ON THE INTERNET (DELUXE)

KINDA LOVE IT - martin the girlboss in S4 in the panopticon. playing peter lukas so slay. ily

3 DAY HEADACHE - S1 archives ily. just follow the loves of my life throughout the series.

I KNOW BETTER - GERRRRYYYYY!!! GERRY I LOVE YOUUUUUUU

SUBTITLES - Martin in the lonely. omgggg nooo dont be lonely i love you.

RISE AND GRIND - literally S1. its jon jusgimg tim for saying stupid shit because he cant take a joke. theres a vision. you may get it. you may not.

ALL THE SAME/NOT THE SAME - tim.

SCUMBAG - Melanie @ Elias. girly hates him and she is so real for that.

LOVELY LADIES - i love this song. its the cult of the lightless flame. or just like, all the avataes. ever. imagine an avatar party. dude that shitnwould go hard. and would probably cut the avatar population in half. theyd just kill eachother.

HEADCASE - listen man i know i keep saying the avatars and i should be more specific but im tired and brain. piss off

SICK OF BEING NICE - tim and melanie :) tim wouldve been a slaughter avatar if he didnt go 💥and i stand by that.

Anyways im tired. sorry if i did it dirty but i feel good. there wasnt as much crying as conan so… a win is a win.

what have we learned? tim and melanie wouldve been besties and loved noah.

[fictionfixations]

Kalim in RSA (and I get off-topic)

Spoilers for Book 4 and 5 (im sorry jamil enjoyers. but im so biased towards kalim its not even funny)

(this spiraled into me talking all about kalim in the actual game so oops)

imagine how different the story would be if kalim was in RSA

and we just hear from jamil about these snippets about his 'master' (although itd be weird they'd be separated if jamil tended to him often to where he'd prob be like his personal servant? idk what situation would have jamil talk to us anyway but yknow maybe we get close, he's like the other friend who seems cool? he'll basically help us out with knowledge about things, fleshing out the world a bit more, as the only sophomore in the group cause he kind of feels responsible maybe? then BETRAYAL)

and then eventually partway through the school year KALIM IS THERE (we know why though) and he somehow ends up housewarden.

i have a dislike against RSA. its very petty and its kind of because they keep winning (and they dont even mean ill intent which is worse! …but its kind of like kalims kindness. and i like kalim but that might make me biased. SO. thus the existence of this.)

we probably wouldnt like him much right? (and i imagine he'd get his fair share of bullies. we find this out. he laughs it off like 'nah, im used to attempted assassinations and everything. this isnt nearly as bad.')

(id do the clapping between but ppl get annoyed, and i get annoyed) CUE KALIM BEING MORE THAN SMILES AND WE LEARN THAT ABOUT HIM !!

HES aware enough that he can cook food good using JUST magic (which takes precision to use it as good or even better than your hands right??. its in his labwear vignette. ruggies teaching him ofc so ruggie wants it to be good cause hes taking leftovers, BUT CMOONNN he can learn. ..and yeah it took a few years for jamil to teach kalim antidotes to common poisons so he could do it easy but kalims hardly a master at making potions so i call that good)

AND in book 5 he noticed vil had like the same look as jamil to where he knew something was going to go wrong (aka the poisoning)

maybe its to show how much kalim doesnt belong in NRC and thats why they dont pull the 'more than he looks at first glance' like cater with glimpses in vignettes and etc

but like COME ON.

the sultan might be dumb (i recently re-watched aladdin) but at least he knew enough that he didnt want jafar marrying his daughter cause hes OLD and also he doesnt want to force jasmine into anything (good intentions. im sure if they just waited and she didnt find a suitor in time he would've just CHANGED THE LAW like he did IN THE MOVIE because he wants her to be happy!)

ALSo he tried to look through the law jafar claimed to say that would make her have to be married to the vizier or whatever (aka jafar) but then jafar just pulled it away before he could (and then attempted to mind control him when he refused) mans was prepared to spend hours reading over it even if he didnt understand it but he wasnt given the chance

also kalim is worryingly nonchalant about stuff. i mean. you can get used to horrible things to where they just feel so normal and uninmportant i guess? but poor bby. hes been like 'i want to keep myself alive because if i die then someone else will get punished.' or like about poisoning, if someone has a change of mind and hes already dead, then he cant do something to help them, so he has to make sure he'll live.

..i really doubt that hes just. so oblivious. maybe in denial, but still.

anyway i got very off topic. my bad. and to be fair we do get to see more of him at some parts. but hhh

okay listen. denial. (i am also a believer that if when kalim confronted jamil, if he said he didnt do anything kalim wouldve believed him. bruh gave him excuses like '..i just got tired, right?')

"The real Jamil would never do such things! He's a good guy. He's always helping me, giving me a shoulder to lean on, and—" (Book 4 • Chapter 33)

we just. dont see him really crumble?? he just. keeps being optimistic

we convince him jamil is bad. he resolves to punch him for being a traitor and THATS IT?

he sobs at the end of jamils overblot but then he goes back to being optimistic like 'lets be equals!' (..it feels like he didnt really learn much though as he's still 'I didn't notice--' 'I--' and i wish he couldve gotten more awareness. cause he makes it about himself yknow and blaming himself but COME ON put some blame on jamil PLEASE? or like. ANYONE ELSE. you also cant notice shit if no one ever tells you about it that you dont even know to look for it! he doesnt want to be cautious about who he can trust so like, why would he think to doubt the person who hes known his entire life??? especially if its something that was just always there that it feels natural, how could he know better? hes sheltered! so someone shouldve explained it to him, made him realize things! aghhh)

heres the book 5 one btw

"I got a real bad feeling when I saw the look on your face after Neige's rehearsal. It was practically the same look I saw on Jamil's face when he lost control of himself over holiday break." (Book 5 • Chapter 62)

And I mean maybe he did learn in that he's more aware of this now than others because he knows what people could look like because of Jamil, but I feel like a lot of things were just so unsaid. That the first time blindsided him, but now he's kind of a little more worried about something happening while he's there that he didn't notice so now he's trying to notice things more??? Or like maybe having gut feelings that he'd ignored before because it was Jamil but now knowing better?

So he can be aware. but then the rest of the time he's just thought of as dumb or an idiot or forgetful and it just makes me sad. and i mean i get that he wants to see the best in people but we never really talk about how its more that its denial. a refusal to see it, and i want to understand why

or maybe its because he sees the good in people that he trusts they'll do the right thing. or he believes that the good outweigh the bad (although i dont know if it'd be the same case if it was someone he knew who got hurt)

like. okay back in book 5

"Besides, I would bet there isn't a single person in Scarabia who hasn't gotten help from Jamil at some point. Am I right?"

"See? There you go. He's been a model vice housewarden. In fact, he's put me to shame. He let dark thoughts get the better of him for a brief time. Other than that, he's a perfectly capable guy." (Book 5 • Chapter 10)

He justifies it with that Jamil isn't the only one to blame (he also blames himself), and that Jamil hadn't done anything wrong before then

which. AGAIn. means that in his eyes the good outweigh the bad. jamils better at his duties so jamil should stay as vice housewarden.

this was the first time jamil did anything bad so it'd be fine, it was just an error in judgment

AGHHh

nothing about the fact that his closest friend he views as a brother

"He's grown up with Jamil since a young age, and considers him a brother in all but blood." (from the In-game Album)

who would be the last person he'd expect to do such a thing BETRAYS HIM, planning to make everyone (or well just the people in scarabia) turn against him

like. that has to be a shock right??? AND THEN HE JUST. welcomes him back into his life like it was nothing im just. kALIM. SWEETIE.

and i mean i get its for the best since if anyone knew what actually happened anything could happen to jamil (and jamil has his own reasons i get that but this is about kalim)

but he still hangs around him. has him as his aide. so while something did change, it also feels like nothing changed at the same time.

"I'm always chosen. Always. That's such an obvious truth that I never even consciously processed it. But now I see that was only possible because of Jamil's constant sacrifices. He created that "truth" in my mind by always holding back. By always letting me win. ...It stings. "Galling" doesn't even begin to describe it." (Book 5 • Chapter 30)

also like one of the very few times he expresses how he feels about something (how it hurts not to be chosen for the first time, and/or that he was only chosen because of someone else so he wants to work hard)

and then grim shuts him down with "You wanna talk about galling? Imagine how I feel not even makin' the cut for the audition to start with."

like. COME ON.

Kalim responds with, "Ah, you're right. My bad! I didn't mean to rub it in. Goodness, there I go again! I'm super sorry, honest."

and yeah it can seem kind of spoiled but also. its probably because of that that he doesnt want to share his troubles because he's very privileged so it feels like he might not deserve to act like its anything when everyone else has to work so much harder, right?

AND ITS JUST. REAFFIRMING TO HIM THAT his troubles are nothing compared to anyone elses and im just aghhauihduadhw

he also cares a lot about other people (people like him as housewarden because he listens to their troubles and supports them) so i just. want him to be able to take a moment to care about himself and just admit these things that he usually doesnt get the chance to.

i got a lot more worked up than i meant to

[yumeyleo]

i want to die cause im terrified of aging, im scared of getting older, We're dying anyways, everything we do will be pointless in a few several decades. And in the past i would take that as a sign to live life as i want to, but i want to be remembered. But i wont be remembered because i wont make some uber big discovery or write an awesome book or do anything impactful. and im fine with that, ive accepted it. Life is pointless, joys are fleeting, all this world is is a tragedy, that sounds so emo and edgy but fuck itim alwaedy writing so many emberassing things today, im gonna hate myself in the morning ;-;. most of us, we're all dying anyway, some of us faster than others. I wanna die cause im sick of having to do stuff... cause im lazy, basically. i think death is both punishment and a gift. I think i deserve to die for all ive done on this earth, but it'll also be a treat for not being too unaware of my actions. (teh slef awareness makes me better, but also makes me worse) Theres also just this deeprooted (maybe rooted in my soul) (i dont understand souls, i want to, though) need in me to die, to feel death. its been there since day one. i sound so ew omg...i was too busy trying to comprehend how to tell left from right and how to tie my shoelaces to realize it. But anyways, the need in me to want to be hurt worse than all those around me has always been obvious. ive always been a bad person for that. actually, i never comprehended death for a while. when i did i didnt think much of it, until i thought of whats after. I was scared of death because of that thought. Maybe i still am, but now i am okay? to die. i want to find out whats after. why i want to die is something i cant understand myself most of the time, this is the basics. Sometimes i wanna live. I actually hate that i idealize about suicide, id rather just live. i know i have no future though, so ive given up on mostly everything. Its obvious in my academic decline. i wouldve been a smart girl if it werent for all of this, i mourn that i guess. i like my friends, i love them. and i want to live to have more happy and silly moments with them. The happiness i get from them never overpowers the other stuff, i wish they could. Im sad i dont want to live. id really like to live sometimes. its actually frustrating why cant my emo ass just want to LIVE??? i really wish i hadnt stopped being friends with him, but i know what he said wasnt right. im certain he wouldve made fun of me for this

[madisonrooney]

it was embarrassing to do and im still cringing about it but last night after closing at work, they were playing some disney channel playlist and wherever i go came on and i had to ask one of my leads to skip it bc it was triggering for me. i hope they didnt think "oh boohoo amanda is triggered by the finale of hannah montana??," if anyone even knew thats what it was from, and yah the finale was hard enough for me but my abusive friendship was getting bad around the time of the finale and the show was like the last thing i had. i told myself if i was gonna kill myself, which i was considering, i would wait till after the show ended bc i just loved it that much. things just got worse and worse from there. ive RARELY listened to that song in the last 13 years. if it ever comes on in a friends car, i ask them to skip it.

but part of why im embarassed is also bc i often have to tell leads, managers, and coworkers at work i cant handle certain things bc of autism and anxiety and im mostly just expected to suck it up bc i dont have a disability accommodation on file (tho ive been fighting for one for NINE MONTHS) and im afraid they think "oh she cant even handle hearing a song?? what would she do if it came on while we were open? shes not cut out for this" when the truth is if i was in public or whatever i wouldve figured it out, but i figured it wasnt a tall ask for it to be skipped so i figured id go for it.

im probably overthinking it bc maybe only the one lead noticed, its not uncommon for them to skip songs partway through so maybe no one else thought anything of it, and she seemed fine about it. i even told her "hey ik this is a weird request"

but. anyway. im proud of myself for saying something and feel...weirdly confident/valid in knowing that it still triggers me and that i asked her to skip it? like obvs thats not a good thing that it triggers me but i feel like my coworkers have not been taking me seriously lately (probably will rant on that more later) and to be able to be like "uh yah hannah montana actually is very connected to my trauma and when i was suicidal and im not gonna deny it just cuz you think its no more than a kids show" feels validating. not to mention after what went down at el cap a few weeks ago

[mariatesstruther]

OK! So asking here because I can't on the other and I am too old to wonder why.

BUT. I would love to hear your thoughts about Maria on the anniversaries of Kevin's birthday and passing? <3

no worries broski, i think i have asks turned off on my main blog! i prefer getting any tlou related stuff over here anyway. you’ve come to the perfect place please step into my maria-themed office ✏️👩🏾‍💼☕️

okay so i made a post about this recently asking this question to myself—how would maria react to reminders of kevin, especially heavy days like his birthday or the date of his passing? would she still be able to work??? would the rest of jackson be aware of it? would she let tommy mourn with her, or prefer to go at it alone??? many things to consider. so lets consider them all

i appreciate u asking about both those days because i feel like she’d have extremely different reactions to them. first i feel like i need to delve into maria’s relationship with kevin/motherhood before all this shit went down because it has a lot to do with how she now operates, being childless but still a mother at heart

first off, i imagine that maria definitely loved kevin and was a good mother to him. it’s just very obvious to me from the way she speaks about the town she’s raised and the way she immediately provides for ellie that she has strong parental instincts. i bet she had a relatively easy time adjusting to motherhood—i say easy not trying to imply that any formmotherhood is easy, but that her transition to it wasnt difficult. i also like to think she had her dad and kevin’s father around to support, so she wasn’t doing everything herself, and that helped immensely

on the other hand, i do think she wouldve had a hard time letting go of work, especially because we see and know how important progress and duty and productivity are to her. i imagine she would’ve hated having to miss out on meetings and case details and court dates because she’s dealing with being pregnant, then because she’s busy being a mother. she also probably a young parent, like joel (luckily @two-birds-alone-together has arlready done this maria math for me. tysm friend ily) if she’s around 27-28 when the outbreak happens, then she was quite a young mother, too, which i think has a lot to do with her still wanting her independence and career. maria definitely would’ve taken the shortest maternity leave possible, with her dad taking care of kevin a majority of the time. she maybe would’ve felt some guilt because of this, but she also knew at that time that going to work was keeping her sane. she told herself she probably wouldve been a worse mother to kevin had she always been home, thinking about being at work

in terms of kevin’s birthdays, it’s always been a personal headcanon of mine that maria would’ve missed at least one of kev’s three birthdays because she had opted to be at work instead. maybe something super important was happening, or maybe nothing especially important was happening at all: work in general is just important to maria. so i don’t know exactly which one (i’ll probably make a concrete choice in an upcoming kev-centric fic i got planned wink wink nudge nudge), but she definitely would’ve been okay with letting kevin celebrate with her father and his father without her. maybe she would’ve missed his first birthday, because she knows babies don’t remember it and it would’ve been important for her to show up for work as much as possible the first year after her maternity leave to prove she was still just as valuable of an employee as anyone else. or maybe she misses his third birthday, his last, because by that time she’s an assistant to the DA and can’t really take off work for personal stuff—as guilty as it makes her feel, she convinces herself it’ll be worth it, because she’s building a life for herself and her son to thrive in

but then september 2003 hits. and maria learns all that working wasn’t worth it at all.

i think about kevin’s death a lot. it’s interesting to me that it’s the 29th, three days after outbreak day, because that means there were three days where maria or someone close to maria must’ve been with him, trying to keep him safe. before, it was my personal hc that maria wasn’t actually there to actually witness kev’s death or know what happened for sure, because she was at work—but it wouldn’t make much sense, considering she knows he died exactly three days after the outbreak, a detail that she could’ve only known had either her or maybe her dad been there the day of. outbreak day was a normal day where everyone started off going to school and work like normal, so i imagine maria would’ve been working while kevin was maybe at daycare or with his father (who im now thinking maybe couldve chosen to separate from maria at this time???? maybe he doesnt love that she’s working so much and is thinking about divorce by the time outbreak day hits, so it’s on a day when kevin is with him) or her father. either way, three days in, he’s gone and she’s not

i do think, considering how differently maria and joel handle the death’s of their respective children, that the nature of them dying probably was extremely different circumstantially. one, we know that sarah died suddenly and brutally, in joel’s arms, not because of the cordyceps but because of some dumbfuck fucking soldier too cowardly to make a different choice. these circumstances provide a lot for joel to be mad at, are just a lot for joel to handle, and sarah was his entire life. so i understand how it consumes him the way it does

for maria, things are clearly different. she had a life outside of parenthood in a way that joel clearly didn’t, spent less years of her life devoted to parents than joel did, and i’d judge from the way she can still hold her composure when ellie mentions kevin that his death wasn’t as nearly as traumatic. maybe it wasn’t even anything violent—maybe he just got sick or got lost or what have you. or maybe it was violent, but she was able to get revenge and make peace with it??? (loveeee this idea and her “the only people that can betray us are the ones we trust” line having to do with kevin. like imagine he died because of someone she had decided to trust, and so she kills that person to finally make peace with herself and her guilt. imagine murder mommy maria 🤩). either way, to me it’s clear that maria was able to process and make peace with kev’s passing in a way that joel never could with sarah

so now onto actually answering your question 😭😭😭😭😭 finally omg

for kevin’s birthday, i imagine that maria would try to completely ignore it tbh. maybe she’d take an extra second to pause and breathe in front of their memorial the morning, or she’d maybe light a candle and blow it out for kevin late at night after tommy is too deep asleep to hear her do it. but that’s the absolute most she could bring herself to do. what’s the point of celebrating a birthday kevin doesn’t get to have? what good would it do her, to think about him turning older and living a life that doesn’t exist? maria chooses to work instead, because working is something she knows she can do without stopping to think or reflect. for jackson and it’s people, she is a machine. grief cannot consume a machine. april is prime time to start planting time for most crops in wyoming, anyway, so april 3rd is always busy, every single year. she is greatful for it. she refuses to think of the one birthday of kevin’s she’d missed working, because she knows that would break her. even without letting herself think about why, maria always feels guilty on april 3rd.

tommy and talia know kevin’s birthday too, and are maybe the only two people in jackson that have the day memorized. they know maria is usually okay to talk about kevin casually on most days, but both are especially careful to mention him around and on his birthday. one year, when maria is especially quiet on the days leaving up to april 3rd, talia brings them all breakfast and they try to subtly talk her out of going to work—after this conversation, in which maria is mostly silent besides saying “no, i’d like to work,” maria doesn’t speak to talia nor tommy for the rest of the day, dead set on avoiding even making eye contact with them. it is the last time they try anything like that

september 29th is different. first off, the entirety of jackson spends outbreak week mostly in a state of collectively mourning, everyone consumed by the memories of the people they’ve lost and how they’ve lost them. maria spends september 25th to the 28th doing everything she can for her community: comforting friends who need it, bringing plates to those who can’t manage to leave their homes, distracting naive children from the grief of their parents’. she spends the 26th, every year, taking care of tommy, who usually is stuck bedridden, crying and talking with her about sarah and joel, trying to hold him back from drinking himself sick

the day of the 29th, she shuts down. usually she spends the few days before barely eating and ignoring her body’s chronic pain signals, so by kev’s death date, her body is extremely fatigued and basically ready to give out. she always sleeps poorly the night before, tossing and turning and anxious that she’ll have nightmares—some years, she wakes up and nothing seems real. she’ll go through her whole morning routine like a zombie, vision blurry and thoughts foggy as she lifelessly space out. tommy has days like those, too, sometimes, so he knows how to deal with them. he brings out their good candles for her to smell, guides her through breathing and sings to her while she keeps a hand on the body of his guitar, letting the vibrations ground her back to what’s real. emotions wise, when she’s not derealized, she’s commonly overcome with extreme guilt over not being with him and forgetting small details of his life (“how can i do this, tommy? how can i keep living, keep working for jackson when he’s never gonna see it? i’m not even sure i remember his favorite cartoon, anymore, tommy. i know he loved cartoons, but i can’t remember which ones. how could i forget that? how could i do that to him?”) that tommy or talia have to talk her away from

outside of the sadness and the guilt, i think she’d mostly just be numb. she wouldn’t be able to take comfort in the fact that kevin was at least free from seeing all the gore and violence, because she herself has built up a place where kids can grow and thrive. i think kevin’s death date would just be an extremely overwhelming reminder that she failed to get him here, and that guilt would crush her. she would want to stay inside and away from seeing anyone, too, especially children. seeing any kid, especially a younger one, happy and thriving in jackson on september 29th would probably make her want to scream and cry and punch that kid’s parents in the face, so. she stays to herself. tommy and talia bring her food that she doesn’t eat. she sleeps fitfully sometimes, but always wakes up to the sound of kevin crying distantly in her dreams. if she can manage it, so goes out to the back patio tommy built and pets the stray cats

the next day, like always, she goes back to work. she’s got a town to run

[normalestgirlblog]

UPDATE

so i kind of have a new boy

hes older which scares me in a lot of ways

not that much older like 2 years im being dramatic

but obviously like high school me is flipping shit bc i was so in love with so many of the boys 2 years above me like i was actually obsessed with them and they were kind of like the last era of boys i was obsessed with when i used to be boy crazy

and when i say i used to be boy crazy I USED TO BE FUCKING INSANE AND DELUSIONAL

like a boy would ask me the time and i would think about it for a month type delusional

and atp all my friends were like hooking up / like fucking and everyone thought i was a lesbian, which may have been my fault whoops. i ruined my chances with girls because i may have been a little pyscho to my first girl but she was also fucking crazy in my defense. and then i ruined my chances with guys because everyone thought i was a lesbian bc bitches did not know that bisexuality was an actual thing

anyways

i was just obsessed with boys without even knowing them and it was always the ones like 2 years above me, 3 years was too far, and 1 year was too close plus they were not nearly as cute as the boys 2 years above me. like my art class was fucking incredible for me. although as soon as u get to know them it gets like problematic and i lose feelings. like i was properly obsessed with this boy in my art class, and one day we did this exercise where basically we had to talk about people that we hated. and literally out of nowhere he was like I hate Colin Kaepernick, which like is just so inherently horrible on so many levels. i get that he was like an army boy, he ended up going to west point and like whatever army boys are really sensitive about that stuff. But wtf like 1 that was the first name u came up with and 2 you are so fucking dense that you cant see how thats a problematic thing to say and 3 if you are so invested into this hatred did you at least take the time to understand why he did it. the answer to that last one is def not, because if he did he wouldnt have said that. i didnt even know that people like werent on his side. maybe im close minded to conservatives but like what the hell. Either way my crush was kind of obliterated into a million pieces, i would argue that my heart broke that day during art class.

obviously i would have heart wrenching crushes on people in other grades, but that grade was so good, so mysterious, so like lively and just very obsessable. People in my grade were so outwardly horrible that it was very hard to sustain an obsession on anyone.

however, the reason i havent had an obsession like crush on anyone since then except for this boy and he who shall not be mentioned, might be because i started smoking consistently after this era. and it kind of filled the hole where obsession existed and fed off my romantic ideals and delusional mind. weed like just made me not think or delude myself into liking people that were not good for me or anyone. and honestly if it also filled the hole of insecurity and all of the other stupid reasons i got suspended that wouldve been great too. it made me not care about delusional shit but did not fix me in the ways that i needed. it was never enough. fuck. and now that i dont smoke im getting fucking obsessed with boys again. it feels good but obviously also feels horrible because of the amount of panic attacks and insecurity that comes with liking a fucking boy.

liking a girl isnt much better, i also went crazy doing shit like that, but i havent done that in a while either. its worse to have an obsession with a guy that you know and are actively talking to. because you are just as delusional while they are making u feel bad about yourself to your face, and its not intentional but its not accidental. men are just manipulative creatures that have developed methods of getting what they want from women by playing into these fucking fantasies. that we are socially bred to have. like if i wasnt surrounded by notions of romance and loving a man despite his many many faults, and that my self-worth comes from having sex and being with a man, i would not be this fucked up over a fucking man.

And it honestly makes it worse that I know all of this, and I am still behaving like this. like i see the problem, i understand it, where it came from, why it exists, how it subjugates me and the women even gay women around me. there is still this compulsory subservience of men that is translated into this want and need for their attention and approval and validation. its so fucking twisted. and yet i find myself wanting them, needing them, allowing them into my heart and stomach and blood and brain and just letting them fuck all of my shit up. WHY. its not like i am stupid. i think. but like why. im miserable with them and im miserable without them. maybe im the problem?

i wonder what its like to be a man, to have this much power over women.

wait i got so off topic im just realizing. idk how it is possible but every single one of my posts turns into something depressing and existential. but i am actually happy. i do feel like im going a little bit crazy over the situation, and i am also still leading on the other girl bc i just cant bring myself to break her heart. but new obsession helping me get over old obsession and thats all a girl can really ask for.

however

i am not sure how in detail i can get abt sexual things on this app these days, but i need to get this out because it is bothering me. we were hooking up whatever and he was like i dont have a condom. obviously because i am easy and didnt suspect him to be a whore i was like oh lol thats fine idc. but then he was like oh i dont want to without a condom. which i know is normal and like very healthy but my mind is like a fucking maze of possibilities. one, that he thinks i have an std which is possible since i told him i havent used a condom in a while whoops. two, that he has an std, but we did other things that would make me not believe that. three, that he is really that nervous about getting me pregnant or stds in general, which in that case i would begin to question how nervous he is as a person and whether or not hes being really normal and im the freak, or the cautiousness of that act means something else. either way, im a fucking psychopath and no matter what anyone does im going to think of all the worst possibilities of what something could mean. this is why i like doing this and like unloading all of my thoughts because i get to see how anxious i truly am like i feel so fucking self aware right now its almost turning me on.

i dont think hes a freak, i think hes really normal. i am probably the freak that i find that really odd. also his body is so hard. its nice. and his face, but the beard scruff thing going on left my face RED.

im also completely overthinking all of it becasue it is unfortunately impossible for us to continue whatever has just been started because he is MOVING TO FUCKING SPAIN. fucker. its like he doesnt even care about me. im having a salvatore moment i suspect, and after its over a california moment. if i reference all of my romantic inclinations in terms of lana del rey songs it helps me like process them. still waiting for my groupie love <3

[kusundei]

i likely wont forget about what happened today and i dont tbink i’ll ever let myself forget this ? i’ll probably force myself to let this linger and stay with me forever or at least a long while bcuz as bad as that sounds truly i needed this icthink . knew i could lie forever and the longer it wasnt acknowledged it just got worse truly .? i have this. bad achijg feeling. perchance a sort of grief and regret and remorse ? everytime he says something kind it makes me. odd. keep jusr feeling my throat close up again and then my heart just hurts. badly. it wont stop aching i feel sodramatic its crazy i havw to keep telling myself i cant start crying again because my head already hurts sobad and i cant be doingthis anyway. i just feel. guilty still. im not rwally lashing myself ajymore or anyrhjng i just still feel bad and j feel awful when he says things like rhat bcuz. i have no idea? is it that i dont beleive him? is it that i feel guilty that hes being kind despite it all??? that i feel suddenly undeserving???? im not redeemed yet so i cant accept this anymore??? made too big of a mistake? ? im trying not to rlly acknowledge it but oh god forbid i . feel **it**. but im not avoidant and i wont do that judt because im scared again? And its also on me . truly i am just glad he was honest and talked to me and ill just choose to bask in this a little longer so i can truly feel the weight of my mistakes. he keeps telling me he misses me and i feel so overwhelmingly guilty. because god forbid who am i to miss you as well after that? whooo am i to hold your hoodie and wish it was you? let alone the smell is making me. emotional. scared i’ll be evil tomorrow if i see him but i will orobabky live?? im normal i am a man or something aling those lines. i wouldnt cry. im just. still. feeling bad. not like im upset i have no reason to be upset. just again feeling bad. theres a difference between the two im just trying not to lash myself anymore . moving on and its okay? even though it isnt truly okay really? it’ll be okay. i feel guilty wanting to move on from it but i know i need to but i also cant w peace of mind till i truly grasp how hes feeling ithink. a part of me wont accept whatever silliness hesputtiny downcright now bcuz im doibting it. but hopefully the ache will leave me eventually bcuz an evil part of me is festering because of it. ifeel it in my bones but i wont. ive caused too much already i cant maybe ill feelcbetter tomorrow bcuz i feelclike irl i might be able to grasp it better

the least i can do at this point is to live. let it consume me (maybe) but not let it show. to be okay enough to function? to be normal to the closest degree i know how to. to be everything again and just be better. not redeem myself because theres nothing i can do to redeem that but to the extent in which i’ll feel even a little bit more fulfilled. oh hut truly none of it is for the sake of me i just. need to do something. to fix this somehow but i know there isnt rlly any fixing i can do. it’ll probabkyfollow him the same way it’ll follow me but i can only pray it doesnt plague him like how i know it will for me . this is just evil sam though i’ll be okay. im always okay. i AM okay.? im not crying anymore. i had no reason to be crying in the first place he has every reason to be upset with me. inqasnt even upswt i just felt bad. kept having to reassure myself and reread everything and be. reasonable. fuck that 40 minute audio recording it ws just alot of back and forth. but oh god am i glad my mom spared me warlier maybe it was worth the lashings. because if she did take my phone like how she was yelling st me earlier as she attenpted to break down the door it wouldve been over . but im okau and im normal? fake it till we make jt . thug it out. lock in. just do something? lessen the pain in any way possiblr and make it up some how. oh but everytime he does somethijg to be silly and normal like we r normally it just makes me feel like hes also lying to me and j dont want him tooo. oh bht god forbid im the one being eivl now so. icant idk. imjust. doubting everything again slightly. ive taken a few steps backwards but its okay ill be fine (im still guilty)

[sunhowler]

i know responding will only make this worse but i cant fucking stand when people just blatantly lie about me. you guys are Confused because you have none of the context and are making giant assumptions based off of like 1 anon and 1 tumblr post. so here:

A) i very much did not leave the internet, what are you guys even talking about??? ive been posting on main all day, i only decided to make my hlvrai account inactive. im literally right here. did nobody think to look at my main. did you all just assume i left the internet because i posted about making my sideblog inactive and literally said i would be posting on my main instead. What Are You Saying

B) i left One discord server because of this. One. because it was a public discord server and i have pretty severe paranoia issues currently. that other server that anon talked about and you guys all randomly decided to believe with no proof for some reason, i left days before the original post for personal reasons. it had literally nothing to do with you. i didnt leave every server im in, i didnt even leave every hlvrai server im in. i didnt leave the entire fucking internet over 1 post.

C) i had literally no reason to believe you would handle my concerns with any charitability or grace because you responded to my original comment so aggressively, and i have even less reason to believe you would now. i realized the comment i left was unwarranted, so i deleted it. i didnt think that this would cause you to lie about me in the main fandom tags. i guess if i had known that, i wouldve responded to you or something.

D) you never, never addressed that you straight up lied about me not tagging my nsfw art. literally all of it is censored, under a community label, tagged nsft, and not put under any of the main tags. you cant just fucking lie about that. thats a really serious accusation and i have no clue why you would make it if not out of deliberate malicious intent.

E) i wasnt upset because you "criticized" me (which. by the way. admitting to cyberstalking someone and lying about them publicly because they made one weird comment on one fanfic you wrote isnt criticism.), i was upset because you posted something inflammatory about me (everyone knew it was me. you did not have to say my name. dont try to hide behind that) in the main tags of a fandom that has historically loved to lie about me, harass me, drag my friends into their stupid petty complaints, and read everything i do uncharitably. i was upset because i knew people would take it at face value without a second thought and it would become a Thing, and look, it has! it sure has.

[edit: just realized i never addressed this part: i have literally never claimed to own transfem gordon freeman. you are just fully misrepresenting what i said. its not worth it to get into what i was trying to say with my original ao3 comment because i regret making it even aside from this whole debacle, but you know i never claimed to own transfem gordon. i said i dont own her like 5 billion times. i only ever claimed to "own" my specific fandomized design and interpretation of her, and even then i constantly acknowledged she was not technically my character.]

im not responding any more after this, and i dont want anyone to defend me after this either. to be honest i didnt want people to do it from the start because i knew that would just escalate it and make the lies and animosity grow and grow. my hope, and maybe its naive, is that people will read this and stop feeling the need to speculate wildly on things they dont know about while also not bothering to check if anything theyre saying is actually true.

is it embarrassing to write out a long response to this? yeah. is it a bad idea? yeah. but i dont have much to lose at this point and i cant stand that people are just saying random bullshit and believing the first anon that comes along with something to add. everyone shut up

WAIT OKAY RECAP FOR ME, SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE: i saw you second post, peaked in to find the first, and was like 'huh, weird to ask someone to not use a name, you don't own it', then did a lil hunting of my own cause i Did Not know who you were talking about but i'm Nosy

and i saw the post that pup made and was like 'damn, sad they're not around anymore, but i got my own problems with the hlvrai fandom, have fun getting better ig' and i scrolled a bit on pup's blog and was like 'oh okay, you wanted a distinction between Your gordie, and other gordies, sure, you went about it weird but ig i understand. big ol miscommunication' and MOVED ON

and then. hours later. i'm scrolling. people are jumping down your throat ?? because APPARENTLY that big old giant long post was made Because of you being like 'that was fucking weird to ask me not to use a NAME' and ?? pup got SO FUCKING UPSET that they just LEFT THE INTERNET

i'm so confused. what the fuck.

THEY LEFT??? Anon, I'll be so honest, I made my posts as a one-off "hey isn't this kind of weird and funny" thing for my friends and the like 2 followers I have. I woke up today, sick as all hell, opened Tumblr and had hundreds of notifications from people either dming me like "Hey sorry you're being harassed" or sending me anon asks calling me insults for daring to have an opinion on Tumblr. I haven't checked pups account since I made the og post + have ignored most notifications I've gotten since I prefer to have discussions instead of being yelled at. I only knew that they left discord, not THE INTERNET. OVER ONE POST.

It only shocks me how chronically online someone has to be that a single post, where they went completely unnamed, got them so upset they had to LEAVE the INTERNET. And make a post that has made me be actually harassed by random people (most of whom that I can't block if I wanted to since they're sending anon asks) when my post was not harassment by any means and did not tell people to harass her.

Also since it WAS just a miscommunication she could've just... literally DMed me. "Hey Simon, saw your post, here's what I meant: [blah blah blah]" and I would've DELETED IT..???? They could've stopped this whole thing by replying to me on AO3 with an explanation instead of just deleting the original comment those months ago.

Anyways Thanks for being Just As Confused as this whole thing is making me. And for not calling me 6 bajillion slurs like most people in my asks see fit to do right now!

[bubblegumknuckles]

I don't mean to overstep so feel free to ignore this ask but do you really have narcolepsy. Could you tell me more about narcolepsy and how it affects you?

From and ignoramus anon

Hi you arent over stepping, no worries. Sorry for the delay, I have a hard time answering back anybody, and ive been sleeping a ton.

So, when I wrote that I had Narcolepsy in my bio, it was a few months ago & for different health reasons I wasnt able to get the final results of my final sleep study test (4th one.) Narcolepsy was what was most likely, especially since my primary doctor said her mom has narcolepsy & I wasnt even taking about sleeping problems to her, but fatigue was mentioned because I was explaining my symptoms that point towards a few autoimmune disorders….and she asked a few questions & said I sounded exactly like her mom who has Narcolepsy & it took her like 20 years to get diagnosed…. At first i was like nahhhh because the only knowledge I had of it was from tv. She gave me a referral to a sleep doctor but I ignored it for a few months, before doing research because my sleep keeps getting worse.

Then actually going, they dont really believe you at first. Insurance also makes you jump through hoops & i had to wait months each time, &the day of a sleep study, my insurance would finally say Not approved…so id have to reschedule. Its been a huge headache and hassle. I had to prove to the doctor and insurance basically how i dont have sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome or anything else before they will consider Narcolepsy. and even then the test for Narcolepsy is so difficult to pass, if you fail else, then they will diagnose you as Idiopathic Hypersomnia meaning they dont know whats wrong with you. but something is off. thats the official diagnosis, but Narcolepsy and IH are both treated very similar. Oh and theres two types of Narcolepsy, one being the more known one with cataplexy (like fainting and dropping out of nowhere at all times sleeping) & there is N2 that is basically without cataplexy (I dont drop out of nowhere and sleep)

So yeah, the results that finally came out said on some of my naps I fell asleep in 9 minutes & basically the criteria for narcolepsy is so strict it has to be under 8 minutes. i was like….thats pretty close. But nah they wanna use math and average it out and blah blah I dont qualify as technically narcolepy. I got diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia instead. I would be more irritated but at least its treated similar or the same. It was noted i have 0% sleep apnea & he said it is very strange that for an adult, I sleep so deeply, like I hit the deepest parts of sleep that usually just babies and children get to. Soooo I tried to get him to think on that….like bro im telling you I sleep that deeply and that much AND still have to continue napping thru the day. I sleep so much. Its impacting my life. And its weirdly gotten worse over the pandemic, altho I have always been like this.

Um sorry Idk if that answered your question bc I wouldve gotten more specific how narcolepsy affects me n stuff. But since I just finally got the official diagnosis of IH instead & its technically not Narcolepsy, i didnt know if u wanted to know more. In my every day life, im probably going to still call it Narcolepsy tbh bc thats what people know a little more about. Theyll be like “oh she really does have a sleeping disorder” does that make sense?

Anyway you can ask more questions if you want:)

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

Arthur in Sins of the father...

Fyi, prepare for grammatical errors because beta reading just isnt my thing..by that i mean im lazy but yknow

I have to say, this is probably one of my favourite episodes ever. Not only is it actually well written, its focused on Arthur and how much he misses his mother and Bradley did an incredible job in this episode. 

I like how Arthur centric it is. Most episodes do end up revolving around Merlin (well no shit sherlock the show is called merlin) but having this episode focus on Arthurs struggles is a nice change and gives us a better view into his character as well as gives us a glimpse of what Arthur would be like without his fathers brainwashing.

What this episode highlights more than anything is how much Arthur wants to meet his mother. All his life he has been told to obey his father and not trust sorcerers and then the moment a sorceress mentions that she knew his mother Arthur goes against both of those things just to meet her. It doesnt matter what lengths he has to go to, he still does everything he can for that one conversation and i think that shows just how much he wants that maternal figure in his life, even if its for a few seconds. In all honesty, i would say he’s pretty desperate by this point. His father never mentions his mother or anything about her so so he cant even paint a picture of her in his brain which just makes him want to meet her more. In those moments when hes going after Morgause, we kind of see a different side of him, because for once in his life he has a chance to learn something about his mother. And you just cant blame him for being so desperate at this point. We dont see much of this, but Arthur grew up without that love every other child experiences, not even from his own father. Someone in his position cant spare time for feelings, and that key ideology that his father drilled into his head remained there from childhood onwards. Having this one chance to know something about the person his mother was, isnt something he could let himself miss.

Another thing he is bound to be feeling is guilt. The first instance is being the cause of his mothers death. Before he found out about the magic thing, it wouldve been so easy to jump to the conclusion that his birth caused is mothers death as she died in childbirth (or as he was told). But after he was told that he was born of magic, i think that while part of him blamed his father for not reading the fine print on the contract (i dont know who came up with that joke, it for sure wasnt me), he still blamed himself because the creation of his life is what took his mothers life away. Not only that, but at the end of the episode when Merlin told him that the illusion was fake, its clear enough that he feels guilty for almost killing his damn father, trusting a sorceress in the first place and also disobeying  his father. 

And back onto the whole thing about Arthur being desperate, he trusted a random woman (and i repeat, a sorceress) about knowing his mother. Not only that but he fully believed the illusion. Idk this just makes me so sad because he had that little spark of hope, not only about meeting his mother but also believing that not all sorcerers are evil. He didnt question these things, he went straight into them, which to me just again shows how desperate and hopeful he was at that point. 

Obviously all of that was completely crushed when he attempted to murder his father and then merlin told him that it was all a lie butttt lets backtrack a little. 

What i love about this episode more than anything is that is shows us that Arthur isnt completely brainwashed (using that word again because synonyms requre effort) by his father, he doesnt hang on every word that is told to him by Uther and all it takes to convince him that his father is wrong is one illusion.Him fighting with Uther and, even for that short period of time, believing that magic isnt evil, gives us an insight into the person he is. Hes not a bad person. He may be naive and ignorant because of the way he was brought up but  if he was educated properly as a child then he wouldnt agree with his father so much. The question everyone always asks is what would happen if merlin hadnt stepped in? i think its fair to say that Arthur wouldnt hate magic so much and maybe the whole golden age of albion would actually happen, but arthur would be miserable. i think thats the main thing that pushed merlin to lie again, because by that point in the series its obvious that he doesnt fight for magic, he fights for arthur. Like yeah arthur saying that magic is evil at the end of the episode does clerly crush merlin but i dont think he would be able to live with Arthur being so miserable and guilt ridden over killing his father. Either way, this is about arthur and not merlin (though ill probably write a paragraph on that sooner or later) so let me pose you the final question (that i will also answer because im here to spread my unwanted opinions).

Is this entire episode pointless for arthurs character development  or not. 

when i first asked myself this question, the obvious answer was yes, because arthur went full circle. from hating sorcery to still hating it in the end. But what i later considered is that even if he went full circle, there was a journey he had to endure. If anything, he hates sorcery even more now simply because he first hand witnessed a sorceress “lie” to him for her own gain and to try to destroy the kingdom. All those things his father taught him about sorcery are essentially happening, and the fact that he was lied to about a sensitive subject like his mother, would just make the situation worse for him.

The thing about arthur and sorcery, is that he is never actually able to find his own stance on it. People manipulate him back and forth, whether thats Uther, agravane, morgana, morgause, random magical enemies of camelot who think starting war and conflict will make arthur hate sorcery less, everyone manipulates him and drags him into different directions. He never makes that opinion himself. Idrk, this isnt even relevant but im on a roll of pointing out sad things so whoohooo

So what is my point? If this hadn't happened, maybe Arthur would have an easier time making his own judgement and stance on magic, but of course its bbc merlin and we cant have happy endings.

Welp hope you enjoyed this rollercoaster of emotions, have a lovely evening ..or day?

Either way. As always. I blame uther

[ajdrawshq]

So.... What the fuck! ( Any thoughts? VLR is wild )

if i put the Junpei what the hell compilation here does that count as an answer

ok i do actually have thoughts yes. so many thoughts. might take me a sec to form words out of em bc of the sheer.. something. whatever just happened and im also lowkey sleep deprived rn i have shrimp emotions and i also cant feel anything

hmm ok one of the things i wanted to mention was that earlier i almost thought Quark couldve been some kinda abondoned Left clone but they have different eye colors so thats crossed off the list. that Does make it kinda weird that Quark mentions freeing his soul during that one scene, but i guess we're supposed to assume he just picked it up from somewhere? like he heard abt it on earth at some point? i doubt Dio wouldve said anything to him abt it in the pod, and even then i dont think hed quote him during That if he did. but how well known were the Myrmidons for him to hear that?? or was it from Junpei/what Junpei was talking abt when he said he was involved during the mars expiriment thing??? idk i just thought that was a weird connection that they didnt directly address.. i think. i couldve missed smth there

im not even gonna try to understand the entirety of the time jumping stuff when it comes to switching bodies and all that. youd think id be prepared for this kinda thing considering all the stuff ive played so far! i am not. looking at the picture they used to show how Sigma's been jumping all over the place legit gave me motivation to do my homework bc that would be easier to comprehend

on that note im like. how do i put this. i was actually super interested in where all this stuff was going for a long while bc the ideas being used were cool even if the execution was a lil wonky. like im so down for time shenanigins (with memory fuckery!! come on!!) and clones and humanlike robots and a lot of other stuff they had going on. i actually like what they were doing when they expanded the morphogenetic field stuff, although i Do wanna think of that as completely seperate from how it is in 999 bc of the retconned stuff :/ other than that what they had going on was pretty cool but. the ending just. i ,,, i dont even know the way it all came together feels so weird???? like it technically makes sense and i get what they were going for. its. ???? i wanna say what im looking for is "anticlimactic" but idk if thats right. its just..... Weird.

however i also wanna say that i am at least glad they touched on the different views of people being stuck in the "worse" timeline? Junpei being glad to have Quark despite everything while Clover and Alice have to deal with leaving behind half a century along with their friends and family. even tho they just kinda went jk lol at that part immediately afterwards???????? but whatever i guess

the characters in general were pretty fun tbh? not quite as real-feeling as 999 but still enough to be enjoyable. it was nice seeing Junpei reference a bunch of stuff from 999 and retain some pieces of himself all these years later, especially when he quoted Light ("fake, a replica, not the real thing...") its horrifying to think abt all hes been thru at this point tho ,,, Clover seemed a lot more outgoing than before but a year can change u so i cant say much abt that, it was cool to see her again regardless. Alice is an interesting one and i liked her even if she was kind of frustrating to go against in the AB games lmao. Luna has lowkey been one of my favorites thru the whole thing but i had a hard time fully trusting her for so long bc of how suspiciously innocent she was lol which wasnt entirely baseless either but yknow. Dio is admittedly funny and ridiculously good at acting like hes a normal person its actually scary. also whered he hide the bombs before planting them bc they didnt seem That small. anyway uhh Quark is a funny little guy and its nice that he straight up doesnt die (usually?? i cant remember if theres a route where he does. other than the bombs) and!!! i actually really enjoyed Kyle. no idea why. wish he didnt abandon me so many times but it fuckin be like that i guess. accidental revenge for absent fatherism. and.. Sigma. when u said u do not like him i think im with u now. not necessarily strong feelings but. yeah. but PHI.. god i wish they actually said where she came from shes just HERE and they never fuckin elaborated man who is she. she is so cool tho i love when she goes on her tangents abt stuff <3

AL OF THAT SAID u were very right when u said the puzzles in this game are fun. even tho i had to check a guide a few times bc i was genuinely clueless for some of em (u have no idea how stumped i got in the darts part of the white room puzzle. i should never do mental math this late i cant live that one down) theyre mostly really good and i did enjoy those sections especially

[jennrypan]

Mkay. Im drinkin my drink drank. This will be LONG. Thoughts while i watch it

Off the bat-- people are just telling them how cute they are together and I love how they were just like ?? Cuz they aint even thank them they just said "Yall cute as fuck!"

All of Paris ships you guys apparently- theres no escape but how the hell did they get those pictures??

Do they take the pictures from the Ladyblog-

Also Andre shut yo ass up- if youre ice creams so good why are YOU single huh? Lets talk about that you fuck-

Also shes so damn mad lmao- and she yeet my son 😭 shes got great aim though i love it- annd Ladybug just doesnt lie Andre rn and i get that cuz hes deadass kind of annoying with his love ice cream shit-

But fr why IS she so damn mad like girl calm down- be more mad at the press for bein nosy and Andre for bein himself-

And I knoow people are gonna be salty towards Adrien in this..i feel it. But whatever. Anyways. What tf is ladybugs yoyo tying to to let her swing on the roofs--

DELETE ALL THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR LOVE--

Im giggling. Im sorry-- i love him sm. Sweet hopeless romantic-

And ALYA MY DAUGHTER HI <3

And this seems super dramatic- delete all the photos they have together cuz of one instance?- aight go off ig-

Oh are Kagami nd Adriens friendly again?? Im assuming yes?

ThAKSGES ADRIEN NO WHAT THEBFUCK DONT CRY 😭 WAIT . i wasnt ready- please someone hug him--

Also Gorilla doesnt even notice he sounds so sad, Gorilla im disappointed in you

Oh wooow. Gabriel didnt akumatize his son? Im shocked, you did the bare minimum buddy! Congrats!

Go fuck yourself.

Marinette..honey thatss...hm-- okay- hes sad and you immediately start day dreaming lmaoo. Get it together girl--

"MAY HAVE." MAY HAVE??? BITCH YOU HAVE BEEN DISTANT FUCK YOUUUUU.

Also ew stop trying give this bitch redeeming qualities, and uh..did Emilie not wear any other outfit?? Can we see photos of her looking like shes enjoying life or?-

Thats just weird maybe thats just mee-

Kagami-- "youre weak-- sensitive-" i like how she corrected herself- shes leearrning.

Also..did no one hear that giant billboard being destroyed??- no one at all?- o k

And awe- she psspsps'ed him basically-

Bruh hes so damn CONFUSED- she doesnt make sense to both Adrien and Chat- girl simplify yours words better-

HELP I LOVE THIS DYNAMIC. ITS THE BEST ONE OUT OF ALL OF THEM. PLEASE

Hes so damn goofy i love him-

Ok but Marinette..shorten the poem- or..love letter- no one will pay attention to that its GOTTA BE FROM THE HEART

This poem ..bores me- anyways-

MOVIE DATE MOVIE DATE.

Also awe they let him ride the bus for free

Andre MIND YO BUSINESS. DAMN all in their shit for-- get some friends istg

Usually..people dont talk this much during movies but that seems to just be Their thing--

Also he likes haaamsters and WHEEZE i would be that guy too cuz SHUT UP YOU IN LOVE FOOLS. R u d e

And ...UMBRELLA- i didnt know it could do that- could her yoyo do somethin like that??- i dunno..how that would work but imagine?

And Andre youre right they ARE made for each other..you should talk to Luka and Alya about that--

Where did..the akuma go for adrien or ..does it just purify itself when he powers down?

ANDRE YOU DICK LET THEM HAVE BE

And this is the second time her lucky charm almost squashed her- but this wouldve been a lot worse cus its a whole ass car.

A sexy car at that 👀 i aint know ladybug could create cars like that, i want it! Also..aint she like 15 where tf she learn how to drive what-

SHE CAN DO THAT!?!

Maybe i just forgot but what-

Ok where did HE learn to drive-

And i love them sm <3 but like .where does the fallout fall into this? I need more episodes-

And Andre was pretty easy to defeat prolly cuz they fought him literally a few hours ago.

I would love to see cookies based off all the ladybug charms

And like..he just walks away??- youre not gonna apologize for bein weird and buttin in on their lives?? No?- ok-

And BOI YOU KNOW YOU FELL IN LOOOVE YOU KNOW IT--

Kagami is so damn cute oh my god-- also. I just realized she had freckles?? I love them ;W;

Plagg is probably losing his damn mind rn-- they are so stressful.

Also i love that end card so much? Its gorgeous.

BASICALLY!!

This is my favorite episode out of all the episodes in season for next to Scarabellas and Alya outsmarting hawkmoth,

I just..love the marichat scenes so much, its beautiful--

I cant waait to hear their english voices oml

[anxiousnerdwritings]

I'm getting real bored arent i

anyway heres the types of symbiotes willing to be your family. and how they would be like. oh also this would take place before the adoption wars. I would have to say that each time you switch homes/symbiotes the more likely an adoption war is gonna happen, which is exactly what happens after you spend time with toxin.

venom, 8/10: honestly the best one out of the 5. besides toxin, hes the only one to make you feel at home at his apartment and treat you with respect. while hes obviously not a normal father, especially with venom, he really tries. he even has normal dinners with you since you, ya know, cant have humans, so he would bring something home to cook. by the end of your time with him, you're starting to warm up to him.

carnage, 6/10: am I being to lenient with that number? eh. anyway this dumbass would probably see you with venom and get jealous and ends up taking you away from venom for himself. hes like, the most irresponsible out of the 5. unlike venom and eddie, he doesnt even try to be a normal father, instead deciding that raising you like he wouldve raised his own children was much more better. he treats you with mild respect and is, for the most part, batshit insane. hell take you out only because he knows you will never be able to escape him, and he even taunts you to do it when you threaten to. basically he acts all chill until you start acting hysterically (which is totally understandable)

knull, 4/10: privacy? who that? hes like a overprotective mother who believes everything on a mommy blog. it's just that it's not a mommy blog it's those negative articles that attract a lot of attention which leads him to believe everything on earth is an absolute mess. it's a wonder how you even convinced him to let you stay there (with a body guard of course). he doesnt let you go anywhere he dosent want you too, and hell give you a piece of himself just so when he gets worried about you he wont have to send an entire army to McDonald's bc you were hungry and not answering. he was planning on giving you a symbiote "of your own", but in reality he created a symbiote that was loyal to only him and would protect you for eternity. unfortunately for him he never got the chance...

anti venom, 7/10: not that bad, but not the best. he gets really, really worried or anxious whenever your not within a 10 feet radius of him. he also doesnt let you have that much privacy, because when he did have you he kept you in a church all day. once you went to the bathroom without telling him and he panicked thinking you had left and you found the entire place thrown around becuase of the fact that he wasnt able to find you. living with him isnt a nightmare but it's not the best life out there.

toxin, 8/10: ok ok ok, while he isnt fatherly material hes brotherly material. he found you when you actually escaped the 4 other symbiotes, which is how he became your bigger brother. everytime you were taken to someone else's place, venom, anti, carnage and even knull he would always be lurking making sure that the fatherly symbiotes wouldnt harm you. this is also why they let their guard down around him, since he didnt seem to care for their rivalry. unfortunately for them he did. this is how the adoption wars started, when he would take you somewhere safe when they would fight, and when they couldnt fjnd you they blamed it on each other. this would continue for about a month in a half before the events of the story I wrote earlier happened where he was playing cards with you while the three other symbiotes duked it out. anti venom was just the one who told everyone where you were and you and toxin were just waiting for the winner to emerge and take you to get some food.

thanks for letting me say my bullshit, and this has been knull anon *draws a shitty spiderman logo with my left hand*

I’m living for what you’re offering!!🥰💞

I think Toxin is my favorite so far. He’s protective enough but he’s also chill about it. I get hella fun and crazy uncle vibes from Carnage. I feel that Venom and Knull are both mother hens but ones worse about it than the other. Knull would be the type to homeschool his kid while Venom is checking on them every so often but he let’s them go to school until there’s a reason otherwise. Meanwhile Anti Venom is having panic attacks when his bby isn’t in his sight for 0.01 second.

All the while Spider-Man is watching the chaos ensue.

[8uny]

encanto spoilers (copy and pasted from my notes)

-As with Disney movies sometimes, trailer did the movie a disservice. There was that 3 headed dog scene in the trailer and people were trying to connect it to columbian folklore and got the idea that Mirabel would go to the magic realm to save the magic. but actually in the movie the dog was cereberus from greek mythology and wasnt actually a character or there it was a visual metaphor for how hard her sister works where it feels like shes fighting a big dog. i felt the same way above Brave where the movie has a lot going for it and a big heart but the trailer takes the most epic and adventurous shots to promise an epic adventure movie but the movie ISNT ACTUALLY ABOUT THAT.. its about FAMILY with minimal adventuring... it was worse in Brave (i really thought it was gonna be an epic adventure movie when it was just hijinks) but still notable here.

-i felt like they didnt play with musical logic as much as other movies, youre more stuck in the realm of 'so did this happen and people just think its normal in universe or are we in a characters imagination or....' ambiguity type of shit. i think like beauty and beast and tangled and moana and even frozen did it much better

-keeping track of all the family members was easier than i thought. except shapeshifting boy was a useless character sadge he had my favorite design and power. everyone else brought at least something to the story

-little leopard boy had a lot of setup to do cool things but never actually did anything cool. like when he overheard bruno and mirabel and was like 'the rats told me' like okay cool what next >:) (nothing). esp since he was set up as like, her favorite family member in the start.

-the house is my favorite character i love how it was animated and how much personality it had. spoilers when the house died i expected people to mourn it so much more because it felt like such a real person. or that we'd figure out the house had abuelo's soul in it or some shit

-i think Luisa's song wouldve benefited from being either a little later or establishing Luisa as a character more firmly. because it is a GREAT song and she is a GREAT character but i think it wouldve hit so much harder if we like... we saw her the way she feels like she's being percieved, we see her as invincible and stoic and no weakness. like if mirabel monologued about how strong and reliable luisa is, or expressed doubt when eargirl told her 'luisas been acting weird' like going 'it's LUISA!! NOTHING bothers her!! youre crazy' like really truly showing off how people never ever even consider she might be struggling before she does a musical number about her feelings https://youtu.be/tQwVKr8rCYw Like listen. This is my FAVORITE SONG IN THE MOVIE. ITS SO GOOD, I just think it could've hit harder with more setup.

also you can see how theyd use the dog fight shot from this song in the trailer and youd go "wow!!! they fight giant mosnters!!!" and then there are no giant monsters in the movie -mirabel is a likable protagonist and i like the set up of the movie, but the logic of magic and it's rules arent explained super well. spoilers and i dont think theyve shouldve gotten their powers back in the end, especially as the lesson is 'your value as a person is not your talents' like let them be normal people. -i wish the soundtrack was an inch less Pop Music and an inch more traditional? like i think Coco still stands out as the best of the most recent Disney-Pixar films because it built such a strong world. the idea of exploring this beautiful land of the dead was a perfect setting for an animated movie, and it had a level of grandeur and scale that Soul, Luca, and Encanto just didnt quite have. and the rules and logic of the afterlife felt real and reasonable vs the frustrating plot holes in Soul, no explanation why ppl hate sea monsters in Luca, and Encanto just being like 'the source of the magic is loving your family'. like i didnt really think Encanto had an inciting moment that made the house fall apart. wish it was something like, 'the cracks started after bruno left' or 'the cracks get noticably worse because of 'X'" the magic was just a little too wishywashy, especially for a movie where the plot is UNRAVELLING the MYSTERY of why the magic is the way it is. its like they cared more about keeping things ambigious (is this mirabel's fault :O?) than keeping things logical (it isn't lol( final resultes: 7/10 not as good as coco

[zed-36]

@ 18: the questions weren't actually that strict! you could interpret them however you liked :) that said, im curious what you would add to the story? i love reading ur ideas and interpretations of the characters n stuff!

oh no prob, i did enjoy thinking of what i could change without adding anything new (i will talk too much if i dont contain myself) BUT since you have asked...

ill share these ideas as a general change to the series as a whole (WR and Acceleracers- also i will call Acceleracers AC for short if i need to).

There is a lot i feel needs to change- but two major points are lore (and direction of it in the story) and characters.

The lore of the series is all weird due to what changed between WR and AC, but its also too surface level. its for kids, its probably why its not so expansive. but it does leave a lot of confusion to me and while i would have to spend much more time to fully “rebuild” the world, i will give some ideas on what i would see changed.

One, at least making it make sense all the way through. i think Acceleracers had the best ideas but it shouldve been expanded on in WR- WR barely touched on actual Acceleron lore. Overall i would like to see the Accelerons 100% remade from the ground up. i LOVE aliens and alien society but i feel all we know of them is they race. and thats its. and sadly AC wasnt seen through to where we may have seen a bit more. but they need to be redone, with lore also point to exactly why the drones woke up when they did, what their drive is, etc. Why is Gelorum the way she is too, very important lor aside from characters. I wouldnt want the series to become a huge Lore Dump but there are moments where they intended to drop lore and they just. dont really do that, at least not well. Imagining the series with more extensive lore would obviously see it being longer than what it is, which i think makes sense. in the end if i was to properly write out all lore it would be a huge rebuild of 1) the Accelerons as an alien society, in depth 2) the full origins of the Drones/Gelorums (how they ended up where they did, what makes them how they are now and 3) a more cohesive plotting of events that would lead to lore revealed. also developing what “Scrim” and “clyp” were, along with the actual depth of Silencerz and how far back they go has been on my mind a lot. scrim and clyp just vanish from lore but in my headcanon backstory for Gelorum, i mention how those things existed too. if anyone has more specific questions on lore tho i can answer those individually! its just a lot to go over lol.

The characters though, oh god where do i start. not gonna touch on every individual (feel free to ask about someone and how i would rewrite them/change them), but theres a lot i would want to see different.

Theres some good ideas in the series that are just not explored much, or the actions dont feel like they have impacts. And many characters have literally zero backstory to go off of... Everyone needs at least some kinda origin in mind, doesnt have to be said but knowing where they come from is one key detail that i think is nice to drop some times. characters referncing locations, where they went, etc... its little but its good to have. In the WR comics, most of these characters do have origins! but theyre completely forgotten in the movies it seems. it would have been cool it WR tied together some of these ‘really good drivers’ and maybe they were in the same races together or something. there are 35 people and none of them seem to know each other at least not in detail- other than Vert and Alec who are clearly friends. Kurt Wylde was written to have done some “illegal” modifications in a race, what is someone there knew him? what if it brought up tension/suspicions? Things like that, its all part of where they come from and its a shame the movies just dont connect them very well.

I think theres some specific characters i will give examples to ‘rewrtiting’ and most of it is AC focused!

Kurt & Markie..... i love them, really do! but after WR i just did not like where they went. i get it, kinda ironic for Markie to become such an opposite. buuuut it was a bit much to me. first off, i would actually expand on the “crime” and that would 100% change the outcome of the two. the period between WR and AC shouldve gone different and in turn, i think wouldve changed up MM and Teku completely! i want to imagine Kurt is trying to get away from bad habits after WR but, perhaps has a really good deal with someone who had also gotten him into illegal car part business in the past. he is tempted and ropes Markie in with the idea they could do so more secretly but are caught, and while Markie is nervous and young he spills all the beans, but none of that evidence goes to Kurt and he stays silent, managing to get out of it. However instead of Kurt going to Teku and Markie going to MM.... Kurt tries to join Teku in the idea of joining a less rowdy gang, but Vert believes full Kurt let his brother take all the blame- so they dont allow him in. He goes for MM, which takes him easily but this team’s energy really doesnt help him. In turn, Markie leaves jail and Vert is swift to allow Markie into Teku because theyre friends! and it helps keep Markie in a better place, not wanting to get back into bad stuff. The important thing is tho, this switch up wouldnt result in super harcore, asshole Kurt. i feel like instead, he would be in an awkward place of wanting to improve himself but MM’s rebellious attitude coaxes him into worse attitudes. AND... very much an oppurtunity for Gelorum to manipulate him once more, as the accelechargers are much more important to acquire, with multiple, we’d loop back again. in the end though! i could imagine the story would still bring in the same scenario- Markie gets taken by drones, Kurt saves him, they rekindle and Kurt also comes to realize he shouldnt give in to the ways he used to practice.

i think for AC, in order to find more interest in the characters,  a switch up with the teams would be neat. Markie and Kur swapping was always on my mind, but i have thought about Teku!Taro. I think it would’ve been cool to throw in an background guy from WR into MM... like Harrison Lau. some more familiar faces would bring interesting dyanmics considering their backgrounds. and it think it wouldve fleshed out the teams a bit more in places they lacked.

Another thing i think is clear is there is lots of unexplored potential. Like dyanmics i express with Markie, characters like Lani, Karma, Tork, etc... oh there is so much i would add for them. Karma has a weird thing with being mentioned to look like Gelorum, and her prefectionism too but it was never touched on. What if it caused conflict? What if it made her question their morals? Or with Tork- i would honestly just rewrite how he tackles Tone’s death and the resolution, that whole thing in movie was weird and messy and made no sense to me imo. Lanu had something going for her but she felt so disconnected from the WR characters in AC, which is a shame! oh there are so many to go over lol. i hope to tackle some of these loose ends in the fics i have in mind but yeah... there is so much to say about changing these characters!!