#also have scoliosis myself
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Oh gods so accurate
Chronic pain gang stand up (slowly)!
Scoliosis gang rise up..!
#chronic pain#scoliosis#also have scoliosis myself#Why do me bones hate me#Ow#ouch#Cannot sit#Nor sleep comfortably#Or stand comfortably#I just haven't been comfortable in a while#Ha lol ☹️#I have crunchy bones#And that is not even shit posting#The cronch when I move#My back sounds like bubble wrap
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I've always been curious to know this about the people around me. Most people have been in severe pain, but in my experience few have had what they would say is their 10/10 experience. I guess it's just something I find fascinating, as I had my 10/10 experience quite young and I sometimes forget that not everyone has. In my opinion it changes your relationship with pain and how you engage with it afterwards. If you answered yes, feel free to elaborate on your circumstances in the tags!
(reblog for a bigger sample size etc)
#I was 13 and mine was after spinal fusion surgery for scoliosis. T6-L4 fusion and when i woke up in spinal shock it was agonising pain#they had to give me ketamine before the pain died down and even then it was only 9/10#i was on a fentanyl drip for a few days afterwards and ever 5mins and 50sec id be dosing myself#my dad would take over my button while i was sleeping and set a timer on his watch to push it at those intervals#it was the only way i could rest as without it id wake up in blinding pain#definitely the hardest experience of my life. sometimes i forget that i went through that and came out the other side.#polls#chronic pain#disability#spoonie#cripple punk#cripplepunk#the tags ive chosen kinda skew the balance in favour of the yes but idk what else to tag it with.#it would be interesting to see if other disabled people have also had a 10/10 and how common that is
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Let it be known I first got turned down from childcare college because I (stupidly) disclosed my disability during the interview, and it immediately turned into ableist assumptions, mostly stemming from "well what if you have to lift a child?"
Today not only do I LOVE working in the field, but I've realised children are light as fuck, and I too, cannot resist the allure of uppies
#fires posts#ramblings#That interview was sooooo fucking ableist. The tone immediately shifted the minute I mentioned my scoliosis#Which I shouldn't have! But they asked why I never had a job and well.. how the fuck else could I explain#that most retail / no qualifications jobs aren't exactly friendly to someone with a spinal condition#They also said I was limiting myself by not wanting to work with infants which LMAOO#barely any places here cater to babies idk what tf thry were on about#anyway today was my first day back on work experience! I have missed the kiddies!!#fire toddler talk
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It really shouldn’t be surprising Hakuba is strong he’s a modern Holmes like Shinichi and Holmes casually straitened a fire poker a villain bent to intimidate him. Wouldn’t surprise me if he worked on being surprisingly strong just because he wants to be like Holmes.
Mm yeah.
I always kinda forget that Shinichi’s that strong, too, since most of the times we see Shinichi, he's actively melting from poison... but yeah, he's pretty strong.
And as far as the Gosho boys go I had honestly always thought of Hakuba as being physically stronger than Kaito or Shinichi just by pure merit of being bigger (he's a little taller and wider canonically, but I tend to make him a bit taller than that still). But like while its safe to assume that as a sherlockian detective he'd take up some kind of hobby or sport to train his body I’d really just thought of him as being strong in a casual way.
Strong enough that he doesn't sweat when he's chasing after Kaito. Sure. Strong enough to lift a person? Yeah probably, there are any number of reasons a detective may need to carry someone-
But what really got me was how effortless it looked.
My boi didn't struggle.
He Strong.
Let's break it down (cause I assume no one asks me these things expecting me to be normal about them). Fair warning there’s about to be a lot of estimates here:
We know Hakuba is 180 cm (5'11") and 65 kg (143 lbs). These are numbers Hakuba gave us himself so they could be inflated, but it actually tracks with the height that we have for Kaito so Im just going to assume this is correct.
Now then the numbers we have for Kaito are 174cm (5'7") and 58kg (127lbs).
Making Kaito approximately 89% Hakuba’s weight.
And of course its going to be quite a while before this case gets animated so we can't have a exact measure of how long he was holding him, so im going to lowball it and say it was 3 minutes, maybe I'll revisit this when its animated.
And maybe I’m projecting... but it would mess up my back if I held that much weight for that long.
#dcmk#asks#hakuba saguru#no idea why this bit has impacted me so much#i am more focused on this than i am on the panel that looks like Hakuba give kaitos butt a grab#i consider myself unexpectedly strong but i also have scoliosis... i could not do this#my back would object so hard the phoenix wright soundtrack would start playing
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I drew this explanation post for why I was completely inactive for a week, but then felt too anxious and drained to post it, and subsequently disappeared for a second week
Two main blog drawings and one side blog wip later, I remembered I made this and still think it's funny, so even though I stopped being dead (TM) I still wanted to share lol
Brief series of events at work
^^^old, but I'm still taking it easy so posts on both this blog and my alt will continue to be scattered for now
#so for those of you that don't know; i have moderate combined scoliosis#my entire back is always at least a little strained so i have to really watch my physical activity#but i live in Tennessee where we have the lowest federally allowed minimum wage#so in order to pay for college i have to work in a package distribution company because it's the only place that pays well/has a scholarshi#I'm in the small package dept thankfully (bc spine)#but for the last three months one specific manager kept sending me out to a different area with the heaviest packages in the building#when i first disappeared it was because i was having trouble walking and using stairs lmao#I complained to that manager and it seems I'll be in smalls again for the foreseeable future; so I've had time to recover and am better :D#every day i didn't post after that was due to anxiety and a low social battery BUT I'm getting slightly better on that front too#i have been *very* aware of my spine lately though#the last time I got an xray was ten years ago and i wonder if it's changed since then... not that i can afford a new xray lol#also can i just take a space to complain about the US not using the metric system#so many packages have kilograms ONLY and i have NO frame of reference for that since we don't use kilograms anywhere else#''ooh wow 70 is a big number but surely it can't be that baD- HOLY SHIT THAT'S 154 POUNDS'' <- me all the time#at this point I myself will just switch to metric and make life harder for both myself and life around me out of principle
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I've never been comfortable in a bikini at all. It would be really cool to wear one in public in case a girl with scoliosis were to see me and notice, and decide she is okay with wearing a bikini too, which is why I don't shave my armpits. In hopes some girl will see and decide that it's a stupid social construct. I feel like I would need a cool bikini in order to pull this off
#I am skinny#i have a bikini bod but my scoliosis is so severe that even my ribs and breasts are crooked because of the curvature of my spine#which also makes me want to kill myself!
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Also, spinal misalignment, scoliosis & kyphosis can usually still be corrected in children & young adults without surgery, if you shop sound for the right doctor & expert. If you leave it until adulthood, it takes a lot more to treat it, and unless you know exactly what caused it & a fair amount of your family's medical history, you're gonna be given the option of physical therapy to manage the pain or surgery which won't guarantee less pain at all.
Hot tip for parents both present and future: When your kid tells you something is wrong, listen to them!
Sorry for not posting much lately, I’ve been busy with work and personal stuff, including an upcoming spinal x-ray I’ve been waiting over a decade for and the angriest doctor I’ve ever met in my life
#I'm 24 & have had my idiopathic scoliosis tracked since i was 8(?)#from 8 - 12 it was still possible for my spine to fix itself via growth sprouts - it was a coin flip...#...whether they'd fix it or make it worse#so i decided i wanted to wait rather than treat it#i also got taken to a chiropractor around this time (i know i know) for maybe a year???#by 15 my spine had gone from slightly curved to a full 'S'#from 15 - 17 i was offered surgery more than 10 times#i refused all of them because i didn't trust doctors or surgeons enough to put my entire life & future in their hands#I'd had surgery on my ribcage twice by then i KNEW how much i needed to trust them to let them operate on my spine#and that was a trust they didn't have#i haven't had an xray since then & I went to physio for maybe 8 months total from 18 - 20#at 23 i discovered somatic therapy for scoliosis & it treats it holistically by working on the muscles AROUND the spine...#...which impact it & determine its placement & position & strength etc#I have now been doing that inconsistently for around 9 months & have straightened my lower spine#i can run my fingers over my vertibrae & they're in a staight line down the center of my lower back#i am continuing with somatic therapy to straighten my upper spine too#is it easy? no. is it emotionally draining? sometimes. do i sometimes overlook it or procrastinate doing it because im tired or bored? yes.#however... is it worth it? yes. do i wish a doctor had given me this option at least once over the past 10+ years? yes.#am i lowley angry at the fact i got told i couldn't cure it with surgery AS A CHILD but am now straightening it myself as an adult...#...while KNOWING if i mention this to a doctor who doesn't “believe in” holistic treatments then I'll be laughed at or told to stop? YES.#i plan on getting a spinal checkup later this yesr at a specialist clinic i spent 4 months researching because i wanna SEE my spine#and i wanna be able to talk about this out loud#I've had genetic testing & as far as i was told there was no cause or underlying reason for my scoliosis - so it's idiopathic#(meaning drs dont know what caused it)#my mother also has idiopathic scoliosis & ive watched her body deteriorate over the laat 12+ years because she has not been treated...#...for it aince she was a child & the only treatment back then was putting a lift in her shoes to compensate#it did nothing to help & she's tried acupuncture for the pain but hasn't had the spine treated since she was 12(?)#and honestly???? im terrified of losing control of my body the way she has lost control of hers#so am i willing to risk doing somatic therapy if it is the only thing which has given me hope of control & a future with a straight spine???#yes. a million times yes.
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/c6d1a706ec2f8e82888edd409e7ec2ff/2c20fc4685fe837b-19/s540x810/7504c45f448eb1030c44477d2ceb0d9dd5d1c62d.jpg)
I finally took a selfie I liked enough to share here, dunno why I like this one more I think my hair just looks nice
#please dont point out the posture i have scoliosis#be nice to me#trans#trans masc#selfie#also ive posted face pics before even recently#by ‘selfie’ i mean a pic of my myself by myself just to show how i look#not like stuff with me and my spouse
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can i apply for some kind of grant or something somewhere so i can get a proper ergonomic chair and table that actually fits me and my nonstop manspreading. can i get some kind of institution to cover the cost PLEASE
#i was using a really shitty mesh chair for a few months because my old one broke and it was what was around#it was like giving me mysterious hip pain because i literally can't stop manspreading you guys. i need to sit taking up so much space HJDSK#it was a chair that was made for someone with skinny legs who keeps them perfectly straight at all times. which is not me orz#so now im using a used teknion amicus i got for really cheap and its like#kinda working. its much better than my last chairs (staples chair that was comfy but i demolished it by sitting cross legged all the time)#(and old costco mesh chair that belonged to my mom but she had to stop using because it didnt agree with her scoliosis)#(and also i had to stop using because it didnt agree with my manspreading GFKHDSFESJKD)#but this chair absolutely has too small of a seat for me. even with the seat adjusted as far out as possible#i still have to tilt the back super far to sit comfortably. im like short. im 5 foot 4. how is this supposed to be for the average person#i know im not skinny but still man. where is the thigh support#sorry im terashits per gigafarting office chairs rn. luckily i do live i a place where like#ten bajillion startup companies are birthed and killed every second. so theres a lot of like new used office furniture around for cheap#you know. a friend once responded to me half jokingly dreaming about some expensive fabrication equipment (probably a scrollsaw) by telling#me in earnest about how she got a wood lathe by doing a project for the city and applying for a grant. and now every time i need to buy#anything ever i joke to myself i need to apply for a grant so the city can pay for it because im charming and everyone love me. but this#is a joke that im not sure hits outside of the fine arts and art history scene. so i keep it to myself HJFKDSHJds. but the city should pay#for me to get a new chair. because im charming and everyone love me. this is true and real
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#warning this is a vent in the tags#i’m so fucking tired but not in the physical way and for some reason i started crying which i hardly ever do#and even though i’ve barely done anything in the past few weeks i feel so fucking overwhelmed and im so done#i just want everything to stop i cant go through any of this anymore#i’m sick and tired of school of my life of everything#i was just overthinking my scoliosis problem which i recently realised was worse than i thought and i’m so angry at my mom and myself#because i could’ve just fuckijg put on a back brace as a kid and be done with it#but when we first went to the doctor. i was either 13/14. my mom went do you really want to wear a back brace. they’re bulky and ugly#I WAS A CHILD. OF COURSE I SAID NO WHY WOULD I SAY YES WHEN YOU WERE SPEAKING TO ME LIKE THAT#and to be fair i’m angry i’m mad it’s not just her fault it’s also mine for letting it get worse but now it’s so noticeable#and i don’t even know what degree it is#it’s not severe i’m not in pain but it’s noticeable like one side of my waist is more curved than the other#and i hate it i hate my life i hate everything i’m not suicidal i don’t want to die but right now. god#i don’t want to wake up tomorrow#maybe in the morning i’ll wake up realising that i’m just being emotional and go on with me day#maybe not#but i’ve been feeling like absolute jacks hit for the past few weeks and i genuinely cant do this right now#it’s like. my life it’s a failure im a failure what the fuck am i good for#i fail socially i fail academically i fail as a daughter as a sister as a friend#and now im typing this out in fucking tumblr of all places at 2am in the morning having to wake up in 4-5hours and i just know the#sleep deprivation is going to make everything worse tomorrow#but i feel so shitty right now that it’s so difficult to think that tomorrow might be worse#it probably will be considering my life. i’m so tired#i wish i was smarter and prettier and better in general at everything tbh but no i’m a socially anxious wreck with less than 10 friends#to my name and i fail every exam i take and my a levels are this year#mcts have kicked my ass into gear at least but only barely because i still procrastinate like a little bitch#i cant i genuinely cant#whatever. goodnight#frostbitesjc thinks out loud
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Remember kids, the applies to all of you <3
Don't hurt yourself to protect others
Except me, this does not apply to me <33
❤️🔥 I would hate to see you burn out, little star.
Digital illustration of a square matchbox with four matches, with one missing from the box. Text reads, ‘you can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.’
#LIKE YOU#IDIOT#<- yes‚ many of you need to here this. I'm talking to you‚ whoever may be reading this#I couldn't have said it better myself#<- the pronoun you which is replacing the noun of the name to the face behind the account @ineffablehomosexuality whose legal initials are#a.v.d-t.#also divorce you slime-secreting scoliosis spined slug#< fag
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My Experience with P-Shifters & Mythicals, and why I'm Anti Physical IDs for Alterhumanity.
[Massive TW for Cults, Abuse(Including Digital SA, including COCSA), Delusions + Validation/Encouragement of Delusion, and probably more that I cannot for the life of me think of off the top of my head]
Hello, I'm Phoenix, but you can also call me Silverthorn. I've been in the nonhuman community since 2011-2013, and initially got my start in P-Shifter/Mythical communities, the ones of most note being ArdaErellon, GrowingWings4Life(usually just called Grow Wings.), and other adjacent webs.com forums.
I'll be documenting my experience with the community chronologically to the best of my ability, but do be aware that it may be a bit splotchy, as my memory of it all is a little janky due to the trauma and the fact this occured over 10 years ago now. It is of importance to note: I am neurodivergent, I speak from the perspective of someone who has been dealing with undiagnosed autism since childhood, which in turn, did influence my level of understanding of the world. My memory is also a little messed up due to dissociation from childhood trauma.
2011 - 2012: The Start - My start with P-Shifting began in 6th grade, when I was 11. I had met someone, who I will refer to here as Dragon. Dragon was my closest friend, however this was NOT a good thing. I had begun awakening to my inherent nonhumanity, but you know, when you're young, you'll believe in very fantastical things. Dragon was a P-Shifter, and I thought I was too. This is how our friendship really solidified. What easily could have been innocent schoolyard RP became grounds for abuse, manipulation, etc. Dragon convinced me that everyone hated us, and people would actively run away from me because where I went, she followed. Dragon was notoriously an asshole to others, but she used this to convince me that everyone hated me.
2013-2015: Aka "The Peak". 2013 is when I entered the online P-Shifter scene. Now, I had read websites and guides on p-shifting prior to this, but this is when I actually got INVOLVED so to speak. After reading some of the Maximum Ride books, I began experiencing phantom shifts of wings, which in turn lead to me joining GrowingWings4Life (colloquially known as Grow Wings), a forum on webs.com for Avians and other mythicals. I, obviously, began attempting to grow wings. This is where I met my flock. I've named two of them here before, but for the sake of this post I will be using stand in names. I also got my first scoliosis dx at age 13, during a school evaluation. This will come up again in another section of this post.
Aqua was the first one I met, she was basically a sister to me. She was honestly the first REAL friend I had, to the point where we called eachother sis. It was through her where we met the rest of our flock, albeit most of them would separate except for Red. Red was another one of the flock, unlike the other key members (Julio and Cailen. I WILL namedrop them for the bullshit they did. Julio was 18, and I don't remember Cailen's age but I do believe she was older than me, Aqua, and Red. I think maybe 18 but I'm not Positive.), he was also 13, like Aqua and I.
Julio got kicked from the flock for trying to groom Aqua and I over kik (classic 2013 experience I know), and Cailen went separate ways after a breakup with Red (she did some HORRIFIC things to him, which I will not disclose here other than it being SA) Things with the flock started out good at first, I mean why wouldn't it? Of course, we also learned about Awtok. We genuinely believed in them, and in part, were responsible for bringing knowledge of Awtok to Grow Wings out of sheer FEAR for everyone's saftey. Awtok's chokehold on our flock specifically remained.
Enter G32: Another school friend of mine, and self-professed Keyblade master. Though not an avian and p-shifter like the rest of us, he was part of our flock. I do fully blame myself and take responsibility for getting him involved with the flock + the consequences of doing so. He got involved the summer of 2014, but I had known him prior, and trusted him. G32 was someone we went to for advice and whatnot. In a way, despite Red and I being the leaders of the flock (when we started dating in 2014), I'd consider G32 to be the one pulling everyone's strings.
It was through G32, that Red became convinced he was a monster. Again, wont go into full details but this lead him to spiral into full on delusions. I remember him texting me in a state of extreme distress one night because he had "seen" his "true form" in the mirror. Looking back, this was clearly a hallucination. He ended up having MULTIPLE experiences like this. Now, he had been having some experiences akin to this prior to G32's claims about Red's true nature, but it was only after those that things got as bad as they did, such as full on berseker shifts for what his species was. (According to G32 the species was like an offshoot of the heartless from Kingdom Hearts.)
G32 also, on multiple occasions, forged messages from AWTOK, usually through 3DS swapnote, and then also forged messages from other "keyblade masters" who got involved with the flock via fake phone numbers.
Back to Red, because of the sheer amount of abuse he went through, ended up repeating the cycle of abuse with me. What he did to me was not ok. He had, through Cailen's abuse, become to believe he was possessed by a succubus who was Cailen. This began his manipulation of me, going so far as for this "possession" to lead to basically the Succubus threatening to leave me if I did not engage in sexual text-rp/sexting with Red as a way to prove my love & devotion. It eventually stopped, though i cannot remember what caused it to stop. Again, we both were 14 and severely mentally ill. I DO NOT HOLD THIS AGAINST HIM, AND I FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS. WE BOTH WERE VICTIMS.
Now, Red was VERY remorseful of what had happened, though we never actually talked about it or mentioned it after that, though I wish we did. It pretty much was him just apologizing but not specifying the incident (most because I told him not to), and me not actually letting him confess to what had happened. I wish I would have let him speak, but I was a scared child. Like I said, looking back now, and not out of a place of hurt, I can recognize he and I were both victims of abuse.
Come 2015, shit with G32 really hit the fan. From forging messages from other keyblade wielders turning against the flock, threatening to kill us for being traitors by aligning ourselves with Red, and the like, to then, when we stood up for ourselves, claiming it was all fake and a lie he spun, and then back to threatening us with the keyblade wielders after. It got to a point where it almost became a physical altercation on school grounds the following day. It was after this that things fell apart. The flock stuck together but ultimately separated, with the last I've heard from any of them being in 2016.
2016 & Onward: 2016 I still held onto some P-Shifting beliefs, but had begun to break away from them. It was really only come 2018 that I had fully recognized the nature of my beliefs were steeped in delusion, albeit the occasional relapse into p-shifter thoughts does occur to this day. I'd be lying if I'd said I haven't attempted to p-shift despite knowing and accepting it's impossible.
Now, other things not in this timeline that did happen, but I didn't feel were as interwoven with my flock experience:
ArdaErellon - when GrowWings went down, this kinda became one of the main sites people went to. It's not up anymore but I do remember the admin, Tinnuwen, asking people for their IRL locations, like addresses and whatnot, in order to open portals near them so they could travel to the realm of ArdaErellon.
Razgriz Pack & Other Cyberpacks - I got involved with a cyberpack when I was 13, when I didn't want much to do with them they threatened to send their other werewolves after me lol. I Don't remember if it was Razgriz or a different pack that I was involved in, mostly because I didn't spend much time around them.
Why I'm Making This Post:
I make this post because I've seen a resurgence in the P-Shifter & Mythical communities. Moreso, I've seen this become accepted and welcomed into the alterhuman community, which poses a SIGNIFICANT threat to the saftey and wellbeing of others. I've seen people ACTIVELY encouraging and validating delusions of Clinical Lycanthropes/Zoanthropes, claiming that it is harmless. IT IS NOT, I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE.
My wing delusions were encouraged, and we avians took any criticism of our attempts as threats and people just wanting to be assholes. Because of the repeated validation of my "physical" wing growth, i actively avoided getting treatment for my scoliosis for over 2 years. Like i said earlier in this post, during an exam at school, they felt my spine was curved. However, because I fully believed I was growing wings, I REFUSED to let my family take me to the doctor, refused to let them get x-rays of me, for fear that they'd discover my wings, because I was a terrified CHILD. This lead to my spine becoming so severely curved that I was at risk of my lungs collapsing. I fear to see what would have happened to me had I not eventually gotten surgery in 2015. The point is, the beliefs involved with subcultures such as p-shifters, holotheres, mythicals, etc. is inherently harmful. The denial to accept ones biological humanity, and the laws of physics that come with it, is a saftey risk. When people speak out about their experiences, they get dogpiled by the physical therian community, and victim blamed. When we explain why these things are harmful, we get accused of a whole slew of things, such as trying to make humans like us, or bring ableist by saying that encouraging delusion is harmful.
Me, Red, and Aqua should NOT have had to live out our teen years in fear of AWTOK, in fear of uncontrollable shifts, in fear of hunters, etc. We should have been able to have our formative teen years be normal. My friend Sundew, also known as @aesthetikins , was there when I was going through all of this, as we met in highschool. E knows first hand the amount of damage this stuff did to me, as again, e was there when it happened.
This is also the one time I feel OK to be That Guy and put this in the tags of the harmful groups I'm talking about, because maybe, JUST MAYBE, it'll save someone else from going through shit like what I went through. Edit: this is ok to reblog, and i actually encourage it
#therian#otherkin#alterhuman#nonhuman#physically nonhuman#physical therian#p-shifter#p-shifting#holothere#mythical
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had some feelings to write out – for/about @tommyend, no pressure at all to respond
I started watching wrestling – specifically, AEW – in late October 2023. It’s been just over a year since I started watching, and I didn’t expect it to consume as much of my brain-space as it has. When I started watching, I didn’t really know who anyone was. I had heard a few names – Randy Orton, CM Punk, Jade Cargill, Roman Reigns – but had no real concept of the landscape I was entering or what it would mean to get invested.
Truthfully, it was a little overwhelming, and there was more I didn’t understand than I did. In those first few weeks, I received one very helpful piece of advice: don’t try to understand everything. Find a wrestler or two whose vibe you like and stick with them – the rest will click into place eventually, or it won’t, and either way is fine.
And so I did. I think it was around the lead-up to Full Gear 2023 that I started really paying attention. There was something about what House of Black was doing that was different from anything else I was seeing. I could understand just enough to recognise talented athletes when I saw them, but I wasn’t quite plugged in enough to the overall wrestling “ecosystem” that that was enough on its own to get my attention. Now that I understand more of what I’m looking at, it’s easier to understand what I’m meant to be impressed by – it’s easier now to have that moment of, holy shit, how did they do that?
But I didn’t understand yet. I’d been watching wrestling for about a month and was still finding my footing. What I saw, and latched onto, in House of Black was a group of four impressive performers that I could tell were in love with the art of what they were doing. Everything was done with intent – the way they entered the ring, the different but cohesive styles with which each member of the House wrestled, the gear they wore, the ever-evolving paint on Malakai’s face, the evolution and growth of Julia’s character.
It was both the moment that I finally, properly understood that professional wrestling was also theatre—and, I think, the moment that I was magnetised. It felt like a faction that was made for me: a band of storytellers who wanted to take my hand and show me what wrestling could be and was and is, and had the creativity and cohesiveness and physical talent to pull it off.
I could breathe a sigh of relief. I wasn’t lost anymore, desperately trying to catch up to understanding something that everyone around me already seemed to know. I had a guide of some sort, and one that resonated: I’ve been reading since I was 3, writing stories since I was 11, have always been a little “strange,” drawn to creative types and niche hobbies and other people that don’t have many friends. And here was someone who not only felt like me, sounded like me, but was wanted and loved and succeeding. A stranger to me, in the way that performers and public figures always are, but I felt like it was going to be okay. If Malakai could make it—though I didn’t and don’t know him personally, I had no way of knowing if he was ever afraid, or if he doubted himself—then maybe I could, too.
The more I watched and the more I learned, the more true that became. I’ve been depressed and anxious most of my adult life. I have scoliosis that is likely to get worse as I get older, and causes me pain multiple times a week, if not every day. Hearing someone whose work I admired be open about his mental health—especially when sports industries have typically not been kind to people, perhaps especially men, who are vulnerable in that way—and be honest when he’s in pain shook something loose in me that I hadn’t quite realised was stuck and frozen in shame. It’s okay that I’m afraid. It’s okay that I have days where my brain is trying to consume itself. It’s okay that I’m in pain. Did I get out of bed today? Have I been outside? Have I eaten? Have I done something to be kind to myself—or, failing that, kind to someone else? Have I done something creative today?
I started my “gender journey,” for lack of a better phrase, in 2018. There was a lot, a lot, of messing around with pronouns, labels. I didn’t know what I was, only that “just a girl” didn’t feel quite right anymore. And then I felt like I was lying, because, well—I was fine being a girl when I was ten, and thirteen, and sixteen, so why was it suddenly different at 25? Sometimes I still feel like I’m lying. The generation above me often still holds an image of trans people that requires them to have always been miserable, always been “pretending.” A few months ago my mother suggested it was fine if my idea of being feminine had expanded, but she didn’t really believe I was trans, because I’d never been unhappy as a girl child, and besides that I looked like a “clone” of the small handful of other transmasc and nonbinary people she’s met. I must be a pod person. (Newsflash, mom: This is just what queer people look like, a lot of the time. I cut and dyed my hair and got one singular tattoo. How terrible.)
She didn’t ask me how I feel when people call me she, or her—it makes me feel horribly small and unreal, by now—and in fairness to her, I didn’t quite defend myself either. I cringed and shrunk and asked for time to think about it, when what I wanted to say is yes, I know I haven’t had the history you expect to see from me, but this is who I am, and I’m not telling you that I was never a girl. I’m telling you that girl isn’t the place where I stop.
But I was scared, and I felt cornered, and I didn’t say any of that.
What I did have, though, was an artist and a performer and a storyteller who did things with his expression, his clothing, how he presented himself to the world that was like a lightbulb going on. The confidence of a man who told stories with the way that he looked, and who used feminine symbols to do it. He wasn’t any less masculine—but it was an embracing of both that cemented who he was, and I thought: holy shit. I can do that. Our identities are not the same, and I’m not too keen on speculating about the identities of public figures that I don’t know in any event—but it’s reassuring, motivating even, to be able to regularly see someone comfortably expressing his gender (because, yes, cis presentation is gender expression too) in a way that makes sense to him and incorporates the feminine and resonates through his art without doubt or reservation or compromise. This is who we are. Take it or leave it.
I don’t know what’s coming next for any of us. AEW looks like such a different place—in a good way—from when I started watching, and the world is looking pretty scary these days, but I’m still here. The art that got me interested in wrestling in the first place is still here, and I have my theories—unsubstantiated, so far—about where Malakai and House of Black are taking their story, but regardless of theories I’ve been so fortunate to watch them continue to grow and evolve over the past year. There’s a lot I don’t know, but I know the love for the story and the art is real.
I don’t know you personally, Malakai, and I don’t want to claim to, no matter how many scraps I’ve gathered together from interviews and how much of the backlog of matches I’ve done my best to watch so I can understand where you’ve come from and where you’re going next. But your work and your love for your craft has moved me, and I’m glad I stayed alive when it was hard so I could be around to see it when it mattered.
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Ya know, as someone who suffers from a physical disability myself who read your recent post, i'm sorta curious for more details on how both Scalene and Bill viewed their shared condition. Scalene in particular, by your post, seems to have had a weird combination of pride in it (how it made her exotic and all) but also, being ashamed of mentioning it and going out of her way to medically correct it in her own child...How would you describe her, and, for that matter, Bill's, feelings?
(For anyone arriving late, this is a follow up on this post here.)
You know how some disabilities end up with a public perception where they're adored for certain "positive" aspects but people still don't understand (and are ableist about) the less positive aspects? Like how depression is romantic when it's "brood romantically like a goth heroine" but gross when it's "can't get out of bed, shower, or meet social obligations"; autism is cute when it's "hand-flapping stimming and getting super interested in a topic" but annoying when it's "noisy stimming & body rocking, won't stop talking about a topic I'm not interested in, and poor social skills"; or the face of albinism is "supermodel with porcelain skin, snow white hair, and crystal blue eyes" and never "cross-eyed sunburned dude perpetually squinting in the sunlight"?
I imagine that her condition is like that, and that she zealously latched onto the positive perception of her condition and worked that for all it's worth; but she wants to be perfect, she wants to be admirable, she wants to be beloved, so the parts of her condition that aren't "popular" have to get hidden and dealt with privately as much as possible. The pageant stage is for showing off her curves; standing funny to try to relieve her side pain is for when people aren't watching.
It's okay to have a disability, but god forbid you look disabled.
Though I wouldn't characterize the medical treatment she got for Bill "going out of her way" to try to correct it. For the most part, things like braces & physical therapy weren't for aesthetics or public perception, but actual quality of life improvements. Without that early intervention, he'd be dealing with serious chronic pain & mobility issues before adulthood.
It's like how if you have significant scoliosis as a child, wearing a back brace during your puberty growing years helps protect you from getting such a crooked back as an adult that you need spinal surgery for the pain. Even if you have no negative feelings about having scoliosis, avoiding a major invasive surgery in 30 years is probably a sound medical decision.
... It just turned out with Bill that more benign issues got swept in with the actual problems.
For Bill's part, the condition is something he'd been led to believe as a child would be a much bigger problem in his life than it ended up being. For one thing, the way the condition presented in him made him a squishy baby, but not as flexible as his mom as an adult. (Though she also worked to increase her flexibility, against every single doctor's advice ever.) And for another, he got turned into an energy being more or less at peak health, after all his childhood medical interventions did their job and before his condition inevitably started to decline in adulthood; and when he doesn't age, doesn't change, doesn't even have a physical body, the condition doesn't progress. He got the best possible outcome, and he feels weird about it.
He'd never claim he's unhappy to not be dealing with chronic pain—that'd be a dumb thing to be unhappy about, and anyway Bill is sooo happy and mentally healthy and nothing ever bothers him ever!!!—but, unspoken, he has a strange sense of loss around it. Another thing missing from the life he "should" have had. Caught in a perpetual limbo where Health Problems™ are always looming 10-15 years in front of him, and have been looming 10-15 years in front of him for a trillion years.
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I have a hard time with tops. Binding isn't an option for everyday wear for me, and I'm not in the position to get top surgery atm, so I never feel good about my top area. I've been on T for just about half a decade now, so a lot of mens stuff generally looks decent otherwise. It's just that and swimwear that can especially be a bummer on more dysphoric days.
I was eager to try Ty Turner's Fit To Me shirts, but they were always sold out when I checked. Now, they seem to be gone or discontinued.
#I used to have some good binders#but even sports bras can make me feel out of breath#asthma& scoliosis also both carry concerns with binding#but after hurting myself with good binders im careful#I feel so left out of a lot of trans stuff and ngl it does make me feel alone
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Hello! First I want to say how much I appreciate this blog, and how cool it is that so many different people from the disability community have come together to share your perspectives on this blog!
Onto my question!
There are numerous characters existing in books, comics, tv shows and movies that have disabilities. Many of them are well known and beloved characters. But 99.9% of the time their disabilities are used as plot devices, traumatic backstory’s, and forgotten unless their disability is useful to add drama or make a slapstick joke. As a fan fiction writer who sees myself in many of these characters, I want to fix this poor and ableist representation when I write these characters. My question is, how can I do that? I want to maintain what makes these characters who they are, including their disabilities, while still keeping them true their development. I want to add that I have researched all of these disabilities in depth, and the information I’m seeking now is how to include them with proper representation.
For example Steve Rogers’ (Captain America) entire origin story is rooted in the erasure of his disabilities. He goes from being disabled and mocked and bullied because of that, to a super hero, who is strong, fast, has enhanced hearing and sight. He’s ‘magically’ cured. What we love about his character is that his newly acquired super powers don’t change his morals and beliefs. But his disabilities have still been erased.
For this character (and other characters who magically go from disabled to abled) would you recommend finding a halfway point? For example, Steve Rogers still gets tall and buff and gains super strength and stamina, but he still some of his disabilities like scoliosis, hard of hearing, or diabetes? Or keeping him how he looks before his transformation, but still having him have his super powers?
Another example (marvel again, because marvel uses disability and subsequent disability erasure as one of its main plot devices) is Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier. He is a forequarter amputee who is given a science fiction prosthetic. This prosthetic required invasive surgery and implants (all of which was non consensual). His prosthetic is very strong, stronger than his right arm (even with super soldier serum that already makes him stronger than other humans). This technology doesn’t exist in real life, and this prosthetic (and prosthetics in other media that has amputee characters) is treated like a fix all: like a new arm but even better so then the character who went through dramatic trauma for the plot doesn’t have to be disabled anymore. Here is my conundrum: the winter soldier has a prosthetic left arm that he can fight with is an important part of his character. To not write him as an amputee erases his disability completely, but to write him without his high tech prosthetic also takes away from other important parts of his character. So my question is, when writing this character (and other amputee characters with similar situations) is it best to find a halfway point? Let this character have his advanced super strong and dexterous prosthetic, but have him actually treat it like a prosthetic (for example, he takes it off, doesn’t sleep with it, and knows how to do tasks without it). Or would it be better to make the prosthetic more realistic? As strong as his other arm, he can’t use it like a battering ram, etc. Or would it be more appropriate to find different ways for characters to do what they do without advanced prosthetics?
I would love to hear specific suggestions for these characters but it would be great too if you had some broad suggestions for repairing disability erasure within any existing work of fiction. Thank you so much for all of the hard work you all put into cripplecharacters!!
Hello,
My time has come.
So Steve Rogers is a product of his time. Back when he was created, living with the disabilities he had was far harder. But nowadays we have medications and treatments his creators would've never thought possible- I mean, this was the time when smoking was the treatment for asthma- so consider incorporating those. For some of them, like what's probably rheumatic heart disease from the scarlet fever, a halfway point would probably be best (more on that in a second.) For other things, modern treatments will do just fine. If Howard Stark can create a flying car, he can create iron supplements and blood sugar monitors. Let's see what he has and how he can be accomodated;
Asthma- the serum can strengthen his lungs and lessen the severity, or you can skip that step and instead look at modern treatments for asthma, which include breathing exercises, slowly increasing exercise to improve the body's tolerance, and a lot of medications. Without knowing the type of asthma he has it's hard to know what his asthma attack plan would be, but considering he has no mentioned allergies, it's probably non-allergic persistent. This can be treated with a combination of long-term control medications, which are taken on a set schedule to help prevent asthma attacks, rescue medications that are used as-needed for asthma attacks, and possibly biologics, which are injected medications for people with severe asthma. These medications are a bit similar to immune suppressants, suppressing the body and immune responses that cause asthma attacks. He can also do breathing exercises to strengthen the lungs and slowly build up exercise tolerance. The bigger lungs due to his bigger body should also help.
Diabetes- there's a massive range of insulin pumps, blood sugar monitors, sugar tablets, and whatever else have you that makes life for diabetics. He'd also benefit from a diet plan, which will take in his level of diabetes, what his pancreas can handle, and potential problem areas to create a diet that works for him and helps him avoid hypoglycaemia and hyperglycaemia.
Astigmatism- contacts, or just some form of glasses or goggles. That's assuming his vision is bad enough to need correction at all, because some people with astigmatism can get by without. He's gotten this far without any form of corrective lense and he's not a long-range fighter, so he might not even need them. Still, they would be useful for him to have in his day-to-day life.
Rheumatic fever- this is one of the biggest problems. Rheumatic fever and scarlet fever mess the body up bad, and I'm willing to bet these are what cause his cardiac arrhythmias (irregular heartbeat.) The serum could strengthen his heart. He can also use a vast range of hypotensives (for the high blood pressure,) any number of heart medications, maybe anticoagulants to reduce risk of blood clots, a pacemaker or other implants, maybe surgery to replace damaged heart valves, and regular check-ups on the health of his heart. If all else fails, a heart transplant might be on the table.
Bone deformity- the treatment is going to depend on which bones, the severity of the deformity, and the cause. They didn't specify, so you can find what you think you'd best be able to work with and go from there. Treatments can include surgery, braces, physical therapy, and some medications that can treat the underlying cause.
Scoliosis- probably can just be left alone, maybe a little physical therapy to help him reduce pain. If you've decided he has a severe case, he can get surgery to straighten his spine. (Personally, I would love to see a character with scoliosis who has rib cage deformity.)
Nervous trouble- probably an anxiety disorder, can be treated through a combination of therapy and medication
These writers didn't live in a time where a soldier could have these disabilities, but now we do. There are treatments available for him that can help him, things the writers never could have imagined back in the thirties. He can still be a super soldier with his disabilities.
As for Bucky, take my opinion with a grain of salt because I am not an amputee. But you're right, him losing his arm and Hydra forcing a replacement on him is a huge part of his story and would be incredibly hard to change. The easiest way about it would probably be to keep it the same, he loses his arm and Hydra gives him a new one, but he gets rid of the arm once he's free.
The arm has failsafes in place to protect his handlers and he has no idea what kind of risks it holds, like if it has a tracking device that could lead them right to him. It's a liability and could put him in danger. He also didn't want the arm in the first place and, based on the scratch-mark scars where the metal meets his shoulder, he has tried to remove it before. Plus, if something goes wrong, he can't fix it. That arm is centuries ahead of modern technology, created by Hydra top scientists, it's a titanium alloy, he has no idea how it works or anything about how it was made, the tools required to fix it are probably hundreds, thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars (or tools that only exist because one Hydra guy created them, meaning Bucky can't get them and probably can't recreate them-) look, he has a high school education from a century ago. There's no way he's going to be able to fix or even maintain such an advanced piece of technology. Even if he did somehow know how to do it, he doesn't have the funds to do it. Sooner or later, the arm is going to be a problem. So he would probably get rid of it. Tony Stark would jump at the chance to help him remove it, he would love to get to stick it to Hydra.
Getting rid of the arm can also be a freedom thing. It marks him as the Winter Soldier, it's a symbol of Hydra's control of him. By getting rid of it, he's one step closer to being free of their hold on him. He doesn't need the arm. The movies demonstrated that he's perfectly capable of getting by without it, showing him easily running his little goat farm in Wakanda without his bionic arm or even a realistic prosthetic, just using his remaining arm. (Additionally, did you see the look on his face when they gave him a new one? The exhaustion in his voice as he asked where the coming fight was? He did not want that new arm, he wanted to keep happily existing peacefully on his farm and having the arm meant he couldn't do that. He wouldn't want a new bionic.)
For Bucky, I would recommend letting him ditch the bionic as part of his quest for freedom.
In general, my main recommendation would be accessibility and medicine rather than magic cures. If you have any other specific examples because Marvel very, very rarely did disability representation right, feel free to ask if you need help improving them. It's my passion. You have no idea how excited I was seeing this in the ask box.
Mod Aaron
Hi!
Going from deaf or hard of hearing to having super hearing is a bit tricky. I'd recommend this way of doing both:
The ranges that are affected by his specific hearing loss stay hard to hear (with only very mild improvement if any).
The ranges that aren't affected get amplified, possibly even to a debilitating degree.
For many deaf/hoh people, hearing things, especially if the sound is louder than we expect, is very overwhelming. The solution above somewhat mimics the experience of wearing hearing aids, but since they are his powers they can't be removed the same way. (It would be very interesting to explore that through the lens of paralleling forced oralism...)
Mod Rock
#mod aaron#amputee representation#asthma representation#heart conditions representation#diabetes representation#limb differences#mod rock#deaf character#aberrations-reality#spinal deformities
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