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mimimui · 1 year ago

Note

okay bllk boys as your not so bf was so good BUT IF you are willing to, could you do a sequel where reader either distances themselves or something along those lines

distance (doesn't) make the heart grow fonder (blue lock)

[ first part ] wherein you distance yourself from (character).

includes: isagi, bachira, chigiri, nagi, reo, rin

tags: one-sided, use of profanity, angst if you squint hard enough, boys annoyingly oblivious to reader's feelings, not proofread

a/n: (again) inspired by my not-so bf. i know the longing and mixed signals all too well :p this request has been collecting dust in my ask box but living rent-free in my head so .. enjoy !

you were always the one initiating conversations with isagi. not like you minded though, as long as you got to talk to him, you were happy. you can remember the first conversation you had with him as clear as day—you asked him which page the assignment was. you thought it was an absolutely brilliant plan to start talking to him regularly. it worked, obviously.

but then you noticed how dry his messages were. when you sent him three or four, he would reply back with one. isagi wasn't usually like this, no, he would return your energy all the time. it didn't bother you at first because you know he's busy with his sports, but his disinterest was getting more apparent.

you thought you were a bother to him; you thought you were annoying him, so you slowly stopped talking to him until neither of you spoke to each other at all. you stopped greeting him when you saw him, and you always saw his indifferent facial expression. uncaring, unconcerned.

it's like he forgot all about the conversations you shared. had he suddenly forgotten how close you two were? had he never cared about you? bullshit.

you waited for bachira to put his arm over your shoulders like he usually does, but he didn't today. you brushed it off, maybe he just wasn't feeling clingy yet. bachira always is touching you one way or another when you're together, but he suddenly stopped doing it.

you found it weird when he quickly retracted his hand from you when yours brushed against his. you also found it weird when he was suddenly leaning away from you in class, rather than leaning towards you. it was really weird when he was purposely standing far away from you. no matter how much you tried to get close, he would just move.

saying this only hurt you a bit was an understatement. of course it hurt you a lot, why was bachira suddenly ignoring you? you don't recall doing anything wrong or making anything awkward, so it's uncharacterisitc for him to be so... distant from you.

you decided to do the same. ignore him, distance yourself from him, and stop talking to him. you don't even know if he still considers you a friend.

chigiri slowly stopped asking to borrow your things. you didn't see anything wrong with it, but when you see him borrow things from other people, you feel a bit off about it. you thought it was stupid to feel this way—why is your heart sinking when you see him go up to someone else when he needs something?

you always gave him what he needed. you were always there when he needed something, and you were always happy to help. you loved helping him, actually. the smile he gives you when you let him borrow something is something you treasure.

it shouldn't hurt to see him borrow things from other people, it feels stupid to act this way. but you can't help it. you wouldn't be bothered by it, but the way he also stopped talking to you is what irks you the most. 'okay, you don't need to borrow my things anymore, but at least talk to me?' you think.

chigiri always gave back the things he borrowed from you safe and sound. the only thing he's ever stolen was your heart, and you're afraid he'll return it broken.

you sigh once again as you wait for nagi to go online on the game you two agreed to play together. he said he was going to go on soon, but it's been an hour, and you're bored out of your mind. you message him once more, hoping he'll reply this time. your smile drops as soon as you see his message: "can we play next time? im tired"

there was in fact no 'next time', because you haven't played a game with nagi in forever. every time you ask him to play with you, he will always reject you. he isn't the kind of person to decline a game invite, so you thought it was weird for him to suddenly be tired of playing video games.

games aren't as fun to play when you're alone. but nagi isn't joining you, so you just don't play at all. you were only ever excited to play because he was with you. when you see him online, you're quick to open the in-game chat, but then you notice he's playing with someone else.

it shouldn't bother you, really, but it's funny that you closed your game and went offline. you haven't played that game since.

you understand that reo was a busy person, but you never thought he'd get busy to the point where he no longer has time to spend with you. before, he'd always put in the effort to make time for you, no matter what. but it seems he's forgotten about your planned hangout again because he didn't show up.

the barista gave you a free drink and tried to give you words of encouragement, but you were quick to thank and dismiss them. you left the cafe that day wondering if you meant anything special to reo. he's always treated you differently than others, that's for sure. but did it ever actually mean anything?

you stare at the opened delivery app on your phone, debating on whether or not you should disconnect his online payment from your account. i mean, it's not like you mean anything to him anymore, so it's wrong to use his money.

you sighed as you reconnected your own account, ordering your usual. that was the last connection you had to reo.

you knew rin didn't prioritize relationships. hell, it wasn't on his priority list at all. but you had a glimmer of hope inside that maybe, just maybe, he thinks about you in that way. that maybe because of you, he'll consider being in a relationship.

you knew you and rin were not just friends. friends don't do the things you two do. so when you two flirt, you feel giddy. you thought that rin meant something more with his flirtatious actions, but when he calls you 'just a friend', your stomach drops.

he shares with you that he enjoys flirting for fun, and meaning nothing of it. of course he doesn't talk about you directly, but that's what it feels like. rin says it as if he's sharing a fun fact about himself, even feeling proud of it.

he notices your expression and asks why you look like that. you say it's nothing. nothing, just like what you are to him.

thanks for reading (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

#blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #isagi x reader #bachira x reader #chigiri x reader #nagi x reader #reo x reader #rin x reader

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lover-of-mine · 7 months ago

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I keep thinking about the Tommy leaving post and the Buddie being ready for each other post and I feel like there's a comparison I want to make here but I'm not sure exactly what it is but something about Tommy leaving because he was not down with that whole mess of date, understandably, but also Buck's boatload of issues still even tho Tommy came back & they're in this "maybe this could be the something I'm ready for" & potential issues that might crop up going forward like will Buck be hesitant still or dive headfirst or some combination, will Tommy feel like it's too much or just not working, will it be the thing that finally makes something click in Buck's head that he needs to go to therapy bc hey Tommy is different from his exes but the issues are still the same idk or he decides it's not working bc it's not the thing he wants but he's ready to figure that out so again therapy! but also when he realizes he's in love with Eddie & they could be it for each other he knows he doesn't want to make those same mistakes and the way to do that is to be honest with himself and Eddie and it's not perfect but they're both in it and self enough aware they know they can make it work together (therapy would be so good but also Maddie or Bobby have some wisdom here too) like a desperation almost of I love him and I want him and this is it for me but I'm so scared of losing it all and it's like well. What are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna let yourself have this? I read a fic today where when they were discussing starting something but Buck was scared Eddie was like "we deserve to be happy too and being with you makes me happy" and that's all I want now okay sorry this is so long and probably makes no sense but I didn't know who to send it to I can stop rolling it all in my head over and over again send help or a sedative my god they make me feral and all these new ttpd edits are making it 10000x more

Okay, I see what you mean, and I am team Buck/Therapy first and foremost, but let's discuss Tommy outside the perfect queer Yoda people seem to have put him in. First of all, Tommy didn't come back, the energy that exists there is that there would be no second date if Buck didn't ask him for coffee (and Buck only called because Eddie told him to). I don't blame Tommy for walking away, the situation Buck put him in is shitty, but he did not come back, he indulged Buck in a coffee for whatever reason I don't understand. I don't understand why someone would agree to go to someone's sister's wedding after one kiss and half a date they walked out of. But what I'm getting from Tommy is that he's not gonna put up with Buck's bullshit just because he's cute. And Buck is diving in head first, asking someone to be your date to your sister's wedding after half a date where they left you on the curb when he's out to exactly 2 people is somehow crazier than buying furniture with Natalia, because at least there he had what? 3 successful dates under his belt? Buck is in the hamster wheel, this time with a guy. Dating a guy is bringing him clarity in some aspects of his life, but he is still showing the same patterns when it comes to dating. Will he break out of his pattern this time? Who the fuck knows. Realizing he's repeating these patterns and letting go before he gets in too deep, realizing he needs to work on himself, would be a major sign of growth from him, but Tommy pointing something out and making him take action works too, but I don't know what or how that could be approached. I was talking about this with someone last week, I'm pretty sure i sent them a voice note of like, 12 minutes on this, but do we trust Buck to separate the way he's infatuated from what he actually needs? That his bisexuality is his no matter what? Because I don't. If he's still that insecure about Eddie when Eddie has been stable in his life the whole time they've known each other, then I don't trust him with anything emotional, really. Could he wake up one day and realize maybe it was about Eddie, see what's in front of him and proceed to work through his insecurities? Sure, they could go there, especially with how intertwined Eddie is to bucktommy, make Buck realize his feelings, work through his insecurities somehow and realize he needs to talk to Eddie and that they will be okay no matter what. But the thing is, Eddie loves Buck too much. Like the post said, he loves Buck at his own detriment, so if Buck goes all weird on him for whatever reason again (which he probably would if he realizes he might be in love with Eddie, he would panic, 705 Buck would freak out if realized he's in love with Eddie) he's gonna internalize that, and that's something they need to address before there is any movement into making them romantic.

Because now that there's a real chance buddie is gonna go canon, they need to address some problems that were created between them, mainly the way they assume things about each other a lot instead of having an open conversation. All they need is an open conversation, I will accept if the show magically decides they can talk to each other now, that the issue was the denial, but Buck needs to ask for shit, he needs to talk when he's insecure, he needs to not let Eddie get away with assuming he's right, and Eddie needs to stop assuming he can read Buck's mind, he needs to call Buck out when he's getting in his head, and he needs to stop trying to fix past mistakes with someone else, they need to actually be able to address things that hurt them, because they will hurt each other, the question is how they work through the problems. Dating your best friend, even more after being best friends for this long comes with issues, the adjustment would be intense because they have an intense relationship already. And they both need to let go of the idealized version of what a relationship should look like they have. Can Tommy help Buck there? Yeah, absolutely, but he also shouldn't be expected to hold a grown man's hand through his own feelings, yk? Buck doesn't know what he wants and he's working through it, allegedly, so, like, there's potential there but I have no idea how this can unfold tbh. They need to get to the point where they're like "I deserve happiness" but also realizing that happiness doesn't look the way they think it does, that it's never gonna be perfect, but that it is worth fighting for, you don't find it, you make, works here too, but the thing is, you need to keep making it as long as you're together, love is not all it takes, the fight never stops. I've been thinking about this a lot too.

#yeah #i dont know dude #but i feel you #911 #911 speculation #i really need a tag for asks #anon 😌

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yongbokkk · 2 years ago

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pairings: lee know x m!reader

genre: diary fic(minho's pov!!), enemies to lovers(?), high school au

a/n; i kinda hate this idk bout u

entry 1

there was a new student today, his name is y/n.

i already dislike him, he looks like he could annoy the shit out of me.

other than hearing his irritating voice, today was pretty much the usual

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entry 2

it's like life decided to give up on me, instead of the opposite.

looks like my friends befriended the new student behind my back, and only now they inform me.

i wanted to wipe the grin off of his face so bad, what's he gotta smile for?

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entry 3

i passed an exam, feeling good.

then all of a sudden y/n offers me to lunch, which i declined of course.

he had this joyful look on his face before i rejected him, it turned sad after i did.

i kind of felt bad i felt victory from finally wiping the smile off his face. anyways, dori is playing with my face, i got to go

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entry 4

he's been stuck to me like a cat needing it's owner, it's so annoying. even if i try to avoid him, he keeps coming back.

i ranted to my friend, he said i should give y/n a chance, hell to the no. he also said i've been being mean to him for no reason, also bullshit.

oh yes, there's definitely a reason to why i hate him. he's just so im too lazy to think, so goodnight.

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entry 5

i can't get the look on his face off my mind, no matter how hard i try to distract myself. i shouldn't have shouted at him like that, maybe i was being too harsh. it's his fault for being so annoying, he just had to keep pestering me everyday.

anyways, i have to go do my homework and sleep, im early tomorrow.

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entry 6

i couldn't find him all day, there wasn't any sign of him, it felt unusual. where was he?

was it because of yesterday? have i upset him by raising my voice like that?

i have an upcoming exam, i shouldn't overthink the situation. goodbye.

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entry 7

jisung really wanted to get in my nerves and decided to throw a water balloon at me, i got him back though.

y/n, he still hasn't shown up to class. is he really going to miss out on all the lessons like that.

im not worried, i have no business with that idiot. goodnight.

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entry 8

i don't know what else to write for this day other than y/n being back.

he looked down, he didn't even talk to my friends or even anyone in school. he seemed like he didn't have the energy to do anything, he barely passed through class.

i'm starting to think back on what i did to him, it keeps me awake at night.

i'll try to sleep now, goodnight.

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entry 9

i don't know what came over me, but i decided to buy him his favorite drink. i just felt bad, he looked pretty lonely these days. sure he had his friends sitting with him, but he barely joined a conversation and just kept eating.

i still hate him, he shouldn't have high hopes that i'll be nice to him after this. goodnight.

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entry 10

me and felix got into an argument, but we worked it out so it's all good in the end.

for the past days, y/n's starting to get better, he doesn't look as miserable as before. there's a part of me that's glad, but then again, why should i care? i hate his guts, he's not important to me.

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entry 11

felix's brownies are the best, he knows when and how to make them like a professional baker. we sat and ate, talking about things to feel the mood. then the topic was about y/n.

apparently, the reason why y/n was sad wasn't just because of me, he was also stood up on a supposed date. how can anyone ditch an angel like him? who ever y/n's date was, i'll serve a punch to his face. goodnight

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entry 12

today was.. eventful. i figured out who stood up y/n, how could he fall for such playboy looking asshole. honestly, i'm more attractive.

i saw him today, and let's say, i gave him a piece of my mind. no there wasn't any violence, i just hit him in the face. it was light, i don't see why i made mark. it felt good, though.

i ate ice cream and played with my cats, now im off to bed. goodnight

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entry 13

theres something wrong with me, i'll start off to where i just brang myself to sit next to y/n at lunch, then i helped him with his books because he was clumsy enough to trip and fall, all of a sudden i had this light feeling in my chest as i was speaking to him. i'm supposed to hate him, aren't i? he's always annoying me.

do i hate him?

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entry 14

hi hi, its been like a month. you're probably wondering why the long absence. well, to my last entry, i took the time to figure out what i was feeling. and when i did, i couldn't believe myself.

as it was the end of school, students were free to go wherever they want outside the building.

minho wanted to walk home, but something was pulling his heart back from the gate.

it was telling him to wait for a certain someone, they were a bit late for exit today.

you, with your bag, finally walked out of the school building. minho's eyes had caught you as soon as you appeared on the corner of his eyes.

your h/c hair was still what you can call perfect, despite what the horrible school air can do.

minho panicked, not knowing what to do. it would be a month till the two of you saw each other again, and he wouldn't be able to wait any longer.

he shouted, "y/n!" making the called person stop his tracks, turning to face minho.

with a few stutters, minho said what he wanted to say, so that his heart and mind can finally rest, he had finally asked you out.

your face were mixed of emotions, one with shock and joy. you nodded enthusiatically, agreeing to go on a date with him.

all this time, i was too focused on being in denial to realize i fell inlove with him.

#skz #stray kids #stray kids imagine #stray kids x reader #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop x reader #stray kids x male reader #skz x male reader #skz x reader #kpop x male reader #lee know #lee know fluff #lee know angst #lee know x reader #lee know x male reader

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bowtiepastabitch · 5 months ago

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I'm genuinely having such a moment. I saw one of those posts, really well meaning just a "I was backpacking in europe exploring all these cool cities for ten hours a day last year and now I'm disabled and can't get out of bed" and I'm just.... really sad. I never got to go backpacking in europe or explore cities and ruins on foot or anything I just skipped straight to disabled and can't get out of bed. I worked part time and then I worked full time and then I started uni and got disabled (but I'm still working because what other choice do I have). I've never left the north american continent, and the sicker I get the more expensive it gets to potentially do so because doing it cheap means doing it inaccessible. I got exhausted from walking around a grocery store today. Half my friends on instagram are in fucking Europe right now, spain or france or italy or whatever the fuck having a great time. One of the kids at the place where I teach is going on a two week london/paris vacation later this month and she's in fucking middle school. Meanwhile, I'm getting paid 8/hr to teach math and algebra and precal for parents who can afford to send their kid to a fancy tutoring center and even though I only work a couple hours a day I spend the rest of it resting and laying down and barely having the energy to scroll my tumblr dash most days. I'm so fucking tired. I pay money for doctors to tell me things I already know but if I don't then I can't prove I deserve my accommodations and even if I do I still feel like I'm fucking faking it to be lazy. I know the "1 in 3 adults in the united states has this that or the other" is supposed to make me feel less alone but instead it just makes me feel like I'm exaggerating and should be able to at least keep up with a good chunk of people my age but I just fucking can't. I can't do this. Maybe if I was fucking middle class and didn't have to work to live or if I was able bodied and could work a normal job, or if I had rich parents and could do the things I wanted without having to struggle for them things would be different but I have fought so. fucking. hard. for everything I have. I'm alive because of the work I put in to pull myself back from the edge over. and over. learning to keep myself alive until I could learn to want to be alive. working my fucking ass off to get into a good uni with a good scholarship far away from home so I could move out of my abusive household and get a good education. I've worked so fucking hard for every single thing in my life and now my body won't even cooperate and let me enjoy it and I'm so fucking exhausted. My memory's not working very well and my body gives up on moving from the couch half the time and I've got vague all over pain that never quite goes away and I can't sleep and I can't wake up and I can't talk to people without being awkward and weird and I can't save up my money and fly to europe. And because I made myself so sick in high school I've got a horrible nagging fear that it's somehow my fault in some way which is honestly maybe a worse explanation than "I'm being a whiny baby about things that a lot of people have dealt with better" and it fucking sucks. Plus I'm living with my parents for the summer because every single thing I applied to for the summer rejected me, so my mental health is wonky and I've got all kinds of little trauma things popping up from time to time but also they're getting better about some things sometimes so I feel immensely guilty to complain about them. And also they're helping pay my medical, even if it is coming out of the rent I paid to them during my medically necessitated gap year. So I again feel guilty bitching about them too much. And my car doesn't work anymore so I have to borrow or ask for a ride anytime I want to go somewhere and I don't have any close friends that live near me anymore anyway. And it doesn't matter because I'm fucking disabled and I can't do cool fun adventure shit and I can't find the energy for big creative projects and I can't fly to europe.

#vent post #personal

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motsimages · 11 months ago

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I am learning a lot about my body this past year, so I will share some things in case it helps other people too. It is related to back problems and back pain:

Some things, while chronic, can be improved or alliviated to the point of not being a problem anymore, not having pain or not reducing mobility in any way (maybe all of them, maybe some of them). It takes a lot of time, patience and effort but it can be achieved. I really mean A LOT of it. And knowing some things will always be there regardless. A year ago, part of my foot was numb, I couldn't stand for longer than a few seconds and my mobility was so affected that I had to choose between going to run some nearby errands and cooking or taking a shower and making the bed. I now can walk for over an hour, come back home and clean part of the house. However, today I am very physically tired because recovery takes way longer than it seems and I am doing 4 times more physical activity than any other day of the past year. This past week I have been reminding me daily that I am tired because I am still recovering and I am doing much more than before. Today I will force myself to walk as little as possible, I'm staying home.

There are things that your body considers "activity" that may explain certain feelings. For instance, it's now winter, it's colder, keeping your body warm is an activity. You don't think it is but it is, so you may need to eat more or rest more than usual. It's to be expected and it's good. Recovering from an injury is a similar thing, as it is having a chronic condition that drains energy because there is an activity you don't see but it's happening. Here is where the patience comes in. Take it easy.

Doing physical activity (if possible, with a physiotherapist or a personal trainer who adapts the exercise and level of activity to your needs) does wonders, but so does rest. Finding balance between doing things and not doing things is an art.

Regarding physical activity: a little is more than nothing. When at my worst, sometimes all I did was walk 3 meters around my bed, sit in a chair, go back to bed, maybe do some light stretching in bed. When I could do more, I added exercises or stretching. For some time, I stopped the current training routine I had and went back to the first one I ever had, which was much lighter. Mobility matters more than strength and doing it here and there at different parts of the day still counts. There are exercises you can do while laying down, there are exercises you can do while sitting. You can look up "adapted yoga" or things like that online to get ideas, but even just moving your arms up and down a couple of times or your feet in circles is already moving and it already helps a bit.

Sometimes (not always so don't force it), movement calls movement. You are feeling tired and in pain but you do some light stretches or move to the kitchen and suddenly you get less tired and with more energy. It doesn't always work, I haven't found a way of knowing when it works and when it doesn't but it happens.

The connexion between body and emotion is there. Taking care of my emotional state, trying to pay attention to myself and my needs, meditating and learning how to look at things in a different way have also done wonders for my back pain. It was anxiety and masking what brought the main injury to my back (that was already weak and prone to pain), so I am doing my best not to let it happen again.

While I do believe meditation can aliviate pain noticeably, it does require you learn how to meditate and how to relax your body (I knew how to do it before I had the worst pain in my life, so it was easier). I haven't been able to do it when the pain was so loud it was all I became, but it did help in softer moments of pain because I managed to relax the body parts not directly affected by injury. I tried to limit my pain to one specific body part and I succeeded. It wasn't easy, it may not work for everyone. (I also meditated after taking strong painkillers so that the effect of both happened more or less at the same time and created a connection in the brain. I didn't do it long enough because I didn't need painkillers for that long, but I do think it could have helped because the brain is stupid like that. Just an idea).

Paying attention to myself and my needs includes doing things I like for the sake of doing it, even if they are small, as often as possible. I tried drawing, but it requires more time and energy than I sometimes have. However, I managed to take up reading again, even if it's a couple of pages every two days. I am also getting back some things I used to like that I'd forgotten (listening to the radio, for instance). I also stop and think if I have enough energy to give to a friend when they may not be feeling ok. If the answer is no, I will check on them later, or will let them know I don't forget them at my own pace. I am learning to not dissolve myself into helping others.

All of these things are more a prevention thing. When the pain hits, take the medication and don't force anything. If you are going to be in pain regardless, when the meds are working, do something. It will at least distract the rest of the pain. Add things to do as you feel fit and if all you can do is lay down and make pain sounds, that's what you feel like, so do it. It will pass. Even if it comes back the next day or later, there will be moments of peace too.

There are some things to figure out, some may never get an answer, but at least I can now look at it in a different way. It is probably a matter of time that I have more frequent pain or less mobility than this year, but I am doing all I can to make it happen later.

I keep a "journal" of pains and sensations in a small calendar. I mark down the days I'm in pain, how strong it is, how it affects me. If at some point later on I need to go to the doctor, I can bring it with me and show him a clear statistic and evolution. It can also help me know when and how crisis happen.

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the-zapped-part-timer · 5 months ago

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Penn Zerothon Day 6

Flurgle Burgle🪐

My Ramblings: FINALLY! PROPER SCHOOL SCREEN TIME! We saw it very briefly with the That Purple Girl.

There's symbolism in the Trio's respective lunches: Boone's a fancy and has all he needs, Penn's a a damn mess and Sashi's has something she doesn't want and has to do with her brother.

I want branded Goodbye Pony merch. I want that lunchbox and another item I'll bring up later on. Who has it? We'll see.

Hmmm, jumpy Sashi hopped up on sugar. Wonder what that would look like. Poor Terry, being a school mascot is the most dangerous job.

Penn is just realizing that Sashi's kind of goes overboard as a sidekick... all the time? He's learning, he's figuring things out.

As I've brought the whole Space World inconsistency, Penn doesn't recognize the world. Maybe the episodes were supposed to be swapped or was just a slight oversight. Like I said, doesn't really matter that much. Just observation.

World takes place years after 2715, noted.

I've only had Flurgle for a day and a half. But anything happens to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself - Boone, probably.

Out of context, please!:

Penn speaking to Flurgle: Get out of here, you weird little space pig. Papa's got to go to work.

Boone: I know, and don't call me space pig.

Iconic Flurgle-Penn. Kind of terrifying to look at for so long.

Boone... why is he so mean to Sashi in this episode? I get he cares for Penn and the Flurgle but jeez, chillax.

Oh my god, Rippen is making fun of Penn for shitting in the bushes! Now, they're even. God, this show can be pretty funny. What's with prehensile noses this episode? Flurgle and the Shnurkons.

Boone, look, it is cute to catch all this on your futuristic flip-phone, but help with the mission! Penn has an excuse, you don't. I get it, Sashi shouldn't have shot her laser blaster in the ship, but she didn't mean for this to happen! Also people are going to die if you don't find those fuel crystals! You're all up in Penn's business but than you just pawn him off to Sashi because now he has "too much energy?" When he's on a leash!? Also they say "how can we win the mission without our hero!" So does Penn have to be the one to win? Answer: no... I'll bring it up where that does happen. That's a whole other can of worms!

The also iconic "Front Row Seat Quarrel." Never seen Larry get so heated about a subject or towards Rippen this much, or at all at this point. It's amazing, they should be allowed to both have more quarrels like this more often. Larry doesn't always have to be a happy-go-lucky yes-man to Rippen, he can have attitude just as much as him! Love the saltiness. Boone is thriving off the drama.

Subtle Wilhelm Scream!

Good that Boone does come around in the end, yes, she did a little oopsie, but it's ok, people screw up. I think, Boone severely overreacted to the situation. Very much like this conversation between the two, haven't had that yet. And we get the big reveal! Sashi's parents don't know she's a sidekick and think she works at Fish Stick on a Stick (the place Rippen and Larry go to zap). This does bring up a question though: she claims she's been training to be a sidekick for 13 years, that's how old she is in the show... how? Her parents didn't know about any of that. Also get confirmation that Boone's parents are part-timers.

"They can't be proud of what they don't know, so I have to be proud of myself. An today I'm not" An incredibly hard hitting line. Larry's just listening in... that would've been interesting if he brought that up in Sensitivity Training, it does come before The Kobayashis... so.

RIGHT THERE! Larry's strength is shown once again with that powerful kick! Even Boone points it out!

Rippen just pulling out a laser glock on some kids will never not be funny.

"Flurgle, come!" Are very dangerous words.

Rippen, why are you belittling her as a sidekick? The one you call "the competent one!" That was pointless.

Deus Ex Flurgle. Rippen trying Penn like a dog and even calling him a "bad hero!" Gold. Get his ankles, Penn!

We finally see Sashi's place! YAY! And her parents! Double yay! I may not know Star Trek but I do know George Takei when I hear him! Speaking of Penn and Boone being as Sashi's place, interesting how she reacts the next time they come over, very different tune.

The cake... I want it.

~The Characters~

Penn Zero: He flurgled and burgled it up at the club today! He was a free spirit! He shat in the bushes!

Boone Wiseman: Why was he so snappy? Like I said above, he was a bit out of character to me. I could be wrong, just why so aggressive towards her? She made a mistake, but it didn't hurt Penn... kinda? She didn't mean to.

Sashi Kobayashi: Another Sashi episode! Really wanted it to hit harder, but Boone kind of miffed it a bit to me. But overall, is it better than Chuckle City? I don't know.

Rippen: Got a little too cocky with Penn out of the way and look what happened, you still lost!

Larry: The Front Row Seat Quarrel™️ will be one of my favorite Larry scenes.

Dimension(s): Never watched Star Trek, so... space! It's out there!

Forms: Fine, I guess. Nothing really for me. Alien designs are good, Boone's murder mittens hand were interesting, and the Shnurkons overall are fun to look at.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Temple of the Porcelain God🚽

My Ramblings: Very unique episode, it's a sort of flashback-ish type with some flavor. I'm sure there's a term for it, I just can't think of it. Is it reverse chronology or inverted narrative? love how it's through the movie screen, because hey, this is a movie theater after all!

Lives in peril and a giant toilet monster trying to get them... unique to say the least. Showing a completed mission to teach a lesson, what lesson? We'll learn along the way!

Boone loves magazines! This time his mom made onto the cover of "Beef World Mag" for the third time in a row, good for her. We also see Boone's address, time to dox him (it's not real I tried looking):

278 North Street, Middleburg 110406. My guess? Either Florida or Virginia (because there are towns called Middleburg in each).

I'd enjoy watching a 7-hour Director's Cut of... whatever! Show me!

What an oddly specific black market, bathroom themed... anyways obviously inspired by Indiana Jones, which makes this so much funnier with the whip scene. If some of you don't know, Alfred Molina (Rippen's VA) was Satipo in the first film, the guy who also literally said: "Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip!" Iconic. Sam, Jared, I see you guys, good meta humor! Too bad the film didn't follow this scene, I know it wouldn't fit, but it's funny to think about. Someone should make this an animatic or redo that scene with this scene... if you get what I mean.

Also very interesting that Penn and co are returning the idol not STEALING IT. Hmmm.... very interesting choice. An upgrade to me over the film (I wasn't to fond of it, sorry).

Penn slight voice crack when he delivers: "Their whip doesn't even reach 16 feet." Is great, love it.

Such a gentlemen indeed, what a pussy Rippen is. Probably acted surprised because, it's Larry, nothing bad rarely happens to him, Rippen calls that out in this episode.

Get the iconic "Flip-flops are my thang" and see that's on the back of his shirt! Just for this episode, I think.

Penn has got some strong legs for him to catch and carry Boone while swing through the air. Look at his legs! They would snap like twigs! Glad that we're bring back man purses, yay!

How and when did Sashi get under the truck thing? Don't question it, she just is under it and as soon as Rippen sees her drop out from underneath with a screw, he knew it was all over.

Great little railway ride for all involved until Rippen just picks up Larry and chucks him Penn... with one hand! "How is it that you never get hurt?" Great question, Rip.

WILHELM SCREAM RIP EDITION! I'm assuming it's him.

Of course, the best exchange ever:

Larry: Don't worry, I'm okay! Rippen's soft body broke my fall.

Rippen: Can't some things be private?

Penn doesn't give to cents as to where Boone is, just the idol. Savage.

How does the Ominous Voice how warns Boone not to flush, know to call him Boone and not his zapped body's name? Maybe he heard Penn not caring about Boone?

Penn is still not over the fact that is indeed Boone's scream, did he just think it was a bit or something?

Penn is brave about just diving into an ancient toilet, everyone clap for him. No one else would. He's disgusting now.

Classic Indiana Jones hat grab but flip-flop addition.

I'm on Boone's side, paper comes over the top not out the bottom for your bottom... Penn, I'm sorry, buy your just wrong. Who ever sides with Penn, why!? Change your wicked ways (and have a nice day)! I'm just as passionate as Boone. I'm glad that Penn listened like a sane person.

My favorite part of that movie is the credits, everyone, clap for Phyllis! She worked her ass off!

So what did they do wrong? Nothing... yep! Best mission ever! Lesson is: help toilet.

Clap again for Phyllis for giving them real golden crowns! I'd sadly also probably melt it down for cash like Sashi. Love her reaction.

WENDY WISEMAN AND MR. WISEMAN CAMEO! Seriously, what's his name? Maybe I'll call him... Wesley. Also, take back the clapping, Phyllis committed the most heinous crime of eating Boone's meatloaf. How dare you!? Down with Phyllis!

~The Characters~

Penn Zero: He's disgusting now. Never touch him, him stink of toilet water for the rest of his days!

Boone Wiseman: He will never forgive Phyllis for her abhorrent crime against humanity.

Sashi Kobayashi: Almost murdered two men, good for her! Hope she gets that cash from that melted crown.

Rippen: He and Larry were just along for the ride, really.

Larry: Do you think they've ever explored each other's bodies?

Dimension(s): Very fun take on an ancient temple but bathroom themed! Lot's of fun uses and designs. Like the plunger bridge, the bathtub railway and all the architecture! The humor is a little on the nose, literal toilet humor, but it works here... and only here.

Forms: Again, all good. Weird to see Sashi as a blonde with short hair but it's really cute. Rippen and Larry's designs of course I really like, Larry looks so huggable with that outfit and beard!

#PZPTH #Penn Zero: Part-Time Hero #Penn Zerothon #Flurgle Burgle #Temple of the Porcelain God

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elsiebrayisgay · 7 months ago

Note

For the ask game: 3, 16 and 17 😊

um yeah! 3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic so this has changed a lot since i started writing prose, tbh, but there are some hallmarks of my process that have stayed the same. the absolute first thing that has always remained true whether it's been more academic, poetry (which is what i did for my degree,) TTRPG stuff, or now prose fanfic, is that no matter what no matter where no matter when if i have an idea i do my best to write it down. i have lost too many good ideas to not being sure what i had thought up and being certain i'd remember it. so often when i am laying in bed drifting off to sleep and thinking about my work, i will grumble and sit up and unlock my laptop to type out some notes.

another thing that was true for a while and still holds up somewhat today (with caveats) is that when i get inspired by something, i *write*. the first chapter of sourceless bruises was written in one evening after i got home from being out at dinner. i'd had vague concepts and ideas floating around for months before then but when it finally hit me i just sat down and wrote. this doesn't really happen as much anymore because even though i have the inspiration and the hyperfixation, i just don't have the energy to be up and in such high gear for so long, so i need to break it up more. this was true of my poetry and essays for school as well, though; i would just sit down start turning work out when i wanted or needed to.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

alright so i've been kind of trying to figure out what i want to write after sourceless bruises. i took kind of a long break between my first fic and my second fic (more of these queer feelings... it's probably nothing on ao3) because i was just sort of waiting to have an idea i felt really solid about working on and that's how long it took. partially because sourceless bruises is a bigger project and is taking longer, these days i have a lot more ideas for what to work on next kicking around. none of them are really formed into anything super cogent, because i pretty strictly keep myself to one involved/long-term creative project at a time. however, things i have been interested in developing once i have wrapped up sourceless bruises in no particular order:

i have a draft started for a sequel to more of these queer feelings. it's mostly outlined, but i hadn't really gotten far into the drafting process.

korrasami modern au. this kind of setting adaptation is my bread and butter, if you couldn't tell. i posted a joke about this sort of idea on tumblr a while back but it actually got a lot more traction than i was expecting and so honestly i'm thinking about putting some more work in on it.

cait/vi (vilyn?) has been really interesting to me recently. i dunno, something about those girls. so i've been thinking about early stages of what i might want to do with them, whether to give them my normal au treatment or try something else.

i have also been working a bit on a premise for some original fiction. i will only say at this point that it will be horror/mystery and probably be a fair bit bleaker than what i tend to write for ao3 (though honestly i have no idea how i would go about publishing original fiction.)

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

okay so at this point it's time to circle back to the first answer in this post because honestly the truth of how i go about writing chapters these days falls a lot more under this question than that more general one. the first thing i'm going to say is that in my opinion, writing is labor. there's an old interview with john darnielle and john k. samson (among others) where JD talks about how there's no such thing as convenience store clerk block, or coal miner's block, so writers shouldn't get blocked—they should just keep sitting down to write, and to some extent i believe in that idea, but i want to add nuance. i think there probably is such a thing as convenience store clerk block, and coal miner's block, it's just that society doesn't allow or expect them to take breaks, or go on sabbatical or whatever. so they end up working through, and maybe burning out. i think that labor is something that any person, in any field, needs to take at their own personal sustainable pace. it's really easy, as a writer, to compare yourself to others. word counts on ao3, stories published, etc. but i think it's very important to listen to your mind and body about what you need as a creative person and also just as a person. if you've got nothing right now, i think it is important to try allowing your mind to simply lie fallow. there's that post about mental crop rotation, and about letting your mind have time where it isn't expected to turn out anything that needs to get put on a page. i think respecting that need is pretty important. this philosophy is how i've been going about writing since i got out of school.

this ties into the actual difficulty i've mostly been having with sourceless bruises. around late 2022/early 2023 i had some life circumstances cause my chronic illness to get a lot more severe, from which i have never fully recovered. this has meant that my pain is a lot worse, and my energy levels are a lot lower. what i used to be able to do with turning out thousands of words a day when i was really inspired happens only very rarely now, when those moments line up with my good days. there's another post on here (somewhere in my reblogs) talking about what to do as a fic writer when your capabilities change, and a lot of the advice on that post has stuck with me. accepting my limits and working within them has definitely meant that my process is a lot slower, especially during flares (and once the weather warms up in the spring i am mostly stuck in one big flare until fall) but it also means that i get to maintain the quality of what i produce and my own quality of life. in these periods, i mostly just try to carve out a bit of time every day when i am able to sit up, usually only fifteen or twenty minutes or so, to peck away at my draft. i sit down, get a paragraph or two dealt with, maybe look at a bit of research, maybe not, and at the end of it i have maybe two hundred more words than i did before. some days, i don't even feel up to this. sometimes i go a week without doing it. but i try to just carve out some time when i can to peck away and eventually i end up with a finished chapter. that's really what my creative process looks like these days.

#writer ask game #fanfic writing #fanfic ask game

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spaceoperetta · 1 year ago

Text

today I learned a new phrase!

tw suicide, long post where I talk about how awful I've been feeling

'passively suicidal.'

of all things, I saw it on a twitter post about kendall roy

and, uh, that's what I'm going through right now I'm having a bad time.

I'll be fine I'm not going to do anything but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. don't give yourself constant jaw pain by letting a new-to-me dentist file down the side of your tooth. (I needed a filling replaced early bc of pain but it was nothing compared to this, I'm so stupid and instantly knew something was wrong after, I legit got home and wanted to hurt myself, but when I called the dentist back they wanted to file more shit down to fix it and, no.)

Ways to fix it run anywhere from 'get the filling adjusted by a different, trusted professional' (done, but they can't build up what was ground down) to 'try a mouth guard' (better but doesn't fix the issue) and I guess I'll need a crown or to cope with unending pain in my jaw for the rest of my life. except they make crowns off your current tooth and it's not right! and I got a filling since then elsewhere! something I am utter shit at because I caused it by saying yes it's not like I was hit by a car

hurts to talk, no singing from me, and I still can't do all that much shit with my wrists and therefore hands because, still recovering from wrist surgery. and my neck's been hurting for two months.

going to see a new therapist next week, at least. unfortunately due to my first hand POV of my siblings extensive health issues I always think my health issues will never go away/get worse. because that's been my past two years and also my past six months

anyway turns out 'passively suicidal' is the correct phrase for what I went through in college due to my whole breakdown and it's back except I'm not in school and it's in my body and even though I know it doesn't matter, they're issues I caused myself, one way or another. (and that's what's driving me crazy with self-loathing amidst the pain)

working on fixing things but I have no energy and mostly just sit around like a lump and crying a lot. I need a routine but that's hard when all I want to do is sleep or do nothing, barely keeping on with 'massage healing surgery site 3x a day' my first one was at 2pm today.

so, uh, I'm feeling up there with said college breakdown for worse consistent feeling in life. I'm not going to do anything I just feel sad and upset and awful most of the time either that or nothing and I have successfully zoned out for a few hours watching streams or internet videos. I have trouble imagining any future for myself, career-wise, personal life-wise, anything. I've never been good at that, and granted, I've spent more of my adult life being depressed than being productive.

anyway, hopefully like the mountain goats say, there will come a day when I will feel better, but when that day's coming, who can say?

I got some prozac from my pcp but haven't started it yet due to imagined, easily resolved barriers

I just feel like if I don't fix things it'll be like this forever and this will never go away. because it's fucking jaw pain and I have to fix the bite issue. my orthodontist said my bite's always been shit and my dentist said my bite is 'perfect' and uh I believe one of the more than the other.

I've just had a lot of health issues this year and half of them were caused by saying 'yes' to something I shouldn't have and now I'm in pain and the other half were 'so you played too many videogames two years ago to distract from the desire to self harm and now you just think about how that harmed you even more than that moment of slapping yourself would have'

yes I know it's all stupid

#tw suicide mention #comedic ish opening to something that isn't comedic at all #my house is a mess I have shit everywhere bc I just put everything on the tables

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httpiastri · 6 months ago

Text

PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER TWO (JEDDAH)

genre: angst, fluff, comfort, etc.

word count: 6k

warnings: hmmm nothing except heartbreak in several scenes lol

author's note: guys im really sorry but im pretty mean to paul here..... like it got to the point where i rewatched jeddah videos of him and physically felt ill because i was mad at him LMAO 😭 but we'll get through this together!! this was supposed to include some other scenes but it was long enough as it was sooo 😶 summary for this chapter ig is yn feels very torn between her boys, and so do i. hope everyone has a good week (it's finally race week again aaaaa) !! 💗

also i think the next chapter might be shorter because i just wanna get it out already and i don't have a lot to write about in it hehe, fingers crossed that i can finish it soon<3

(alsoooo i proofread this a few days ago but i just cant find the energy or time to do it rn, praying that there are no big issues…. if there are, i would be so thankful if you could send me an ask or message etc 🙏)

series masterlist

"i still can't believe i missed out on the top ten again. and by just three hundredths, even..."

pepe shakes his head as you both make your way out of the campos truck, dragging a frustrated hand through his hair before pulling on his red bull cap. you can't help but chuckle – he's been like this all day, and all evening yesterday. you understand it, though; finishing just outside the reverse grid pole once again must feel frustrating.

not that you can relate. with a much better qualifying session yesterday in your second-ever qualifying in formula 2, you managed to snatch an eight-place finish. in other words, you will be starting third in today's sprint race, and just the thought of the probability of getting some big points sends tingles through your entire body.

"you'll get it next time," you say with a pat on your friend's back. "i mean, look at ollie. from p-nowhere last week to pole yesterday. that can be you next time around."

you've just come out of your morning meeting – morning meaning starting at ten and ending around noon – and now you're finally getting some lunch in the red bull hospitality. even during a race weekend like this, with mostly evening and night sessions, you still managed to oversleep and almost didn't make it in time for your meeting. you didn't get to have any breakfast, you had to run all the way from the shuttle to the truck, and you even forgot one of your racing boots as well as your phone in your hotel room. thankfully, you'll still have time to go back to the hotel before the sprint race, but walking around without your phone feels like being naked.

"speaking of ollie," pepe starts as you turn left and head into the formula one paddock. "are things between you two... alright?"

your eyebrows furrow together at the pause in the middle of his sentence. "why wouldn't they be?"

"well, i..." he stops again, and it makes you want to shake him. "i heard something. but it doesn't matter."

"who are you to decide that it doesn't matter?" you scoff. "tell me."

pepe sighs – he knows fighting you over this is a losing battle. you're way too stubborn to let go of this. "i heard that you were having issues. that you aren't happy, or something along those lines..."

you stop in your tracks, brain working in overdrive to comprehend what your friend is telling you. not happy with ollie? why would you not be happy with him? "who told you this?"

pepe stops in front of you. "i heard it from kimi, who heard it from... paul."

"what?" your eyes squeeze shut as your hands interlace on top of your head. "why would kimi come to you? instead of asking ollie himself?"

"you know kimi," pepe starts instantly. "he's young and gullible. i think he wanted to go for the see-if-the-best-friend-knows-anything strategy instead of asking ollie straight out." his hands squeeze your shoulders softly and you look up at him, a hint of a pout on your lips. "i guess he was scared that ollie would get mad at him or something."

"it's just-" you sigh. "it doesn't make any sense, does it?" pepe is just about to say something more when you cut him off with a dismissive swat of your hand in the air, stepping away from him and continuing your walk down the paddock. "let's just forget about it. i need lunch."

pepe stands frozen for a few moments before hurrying up to you again. he can't quite read your mood – you look unbothered, but he can't help but notice the slight touch of redness of your ears and the way your eyes seemingly can't focus on one thing for long enough. there's no way you can be over it already.

with pepe shutting up for a little while for the first time ever, you're left all alone with your thoughts as you continue your stroll. you know you should've asked for more information; you should've asked for details, for exactly what kimi said and how he worded it. you probably should also ask kimi himself for what paul told him. but right now, it's like a shadow is clouding your vision.

how dare paul say something like that? he must've known that the rumors he made up would spread like wildfire, as they always do in the formula paddocks. the snowball effect can make something tiny become huge, which is why you're always cautious about rumors. but apparently, paul doesn't care about that.

you're far too enraged to think even straight, and that's why it takes pepe pulling your arm to make you stop walking. you frown – to be fair, your frown hasn't left since it appeared a few minutes ago – but when you realize what it is that he's pointing at, both your frown and your jaw drop.

there's a swarm of journalists and fans following a ferrari driver down the road in front of you, which isn't all that uncommon. both charles and carlos are always incredibly popular. but what blows your mind is the fact that when you finally catch a glimpse of the driver's face, it's neither of the team's main drivers.

it's ollie.

"ollie! mate!" pepe yells, his arm waving erratically over his head. it takes a moment for the brit to find the owner of the voice, but he's tall enough to look over everyone else, and he's soon making his way over to you both. "i know you're popular, but this all seems a little excessive, don't you think?"

"i don't know what happened, as soon as the news came out..." ollie lets out a chuckle before turning to you, eyebrows raised at your expression. "i've called you like a hundred times, what have you been up to?"

"i left my phone at the hotel-" you begin but cut yourself off and shake your head. "wait, what news?"

when ollie starts speaking, time slows down. the entire world around you goes dark, the only thing you can hear being ollie's explanation of how carlos needs surgery and the call he got as he was having lunch. you feel lightheaded, almost like you could faint, when he speaks his final words. "...and they said i will be the one to replace him. i'm driving the formula one grand prix tomorrow."

you don't waste any time before throwing yourself into his arms, a loud squeal passing through your lips. "are you kidding me?" you exclaim, hugging him even tighter. "this is incredible, ollie! oh my god, i..."

"i can't really believe it myself, to be honest," ollie says, shaking his head as you part from the hug. pepe slaps his shoulder, congratulating his friend. "i would love to stay and chat, but i need to be in the car for the last practice, and i have a lot to get done-"

"go! go!" you usher, softly shoving him away back towards the journalists and fans who are still waiting just a few meters away. "we will talk later, okay?"

"of course."

and then you watch him leave – your boyfriend, the soon-to-be formula one driver – with a much lighter heart. this definitely helps you forget about all of the things regarding paul.

at least for a little while.

but of course, pepe stops your train of thought. "does that mean i get the reverse grid pole?"

you've never ever been to the ferrari garage before, so as you stand in the middle of it, you have no idea where to go or what to do; this is completely new territory. thankfully, you got a vip-pass from ollie before he ran off for his pre-practice duties, so at least you have the privilege of looking like a fool inside of the garage instead of right outside the doors.

a fool dressed in a red bull race suit, even. great.

you were in the middle of preparations for your sprint race when ollie texted you, and since you still had some time before the race started, you made it over to the other side of the paddock as quickly as you could. but unfortunately, that meant that you didn't have time to change your outfit into something more discreet.

"you don't look like you belong here, miss," a voice rumbles from behind you. your heart stops in your chest, and you're ready to improvise an excuse or find an escape route when you turn around – but luckily, you're met with chris, ollie's manager, standing there.

"thank god you're here," you say, letting out a sigh of relief. "do you happen to know where ollie is?"

"he's borrowing carlos's room. it's right down the hall and to the left."

you quickly thank him, turning again and making your way down said hallway. the room is easy to find, the two big, red fives on the door sticking out among the white walls. you're glad to find it unlocked, but you still knock a few times before sticking your head inside.

"sweetheart? can i come in?"

ollie is sitting on a massaging table, elbows on top of his legs and head resting in his hands. his eyes are stuck on the floor, but you take his silence as a yes.

"i got your text," you say, tiptoeing inside and shutting the door behind you, careful to not make any loud sounds to scare him. "how are you doing?"

when he still doesn't answer, your heat rate picks up. is something really wrong?

you make your way over to him, hands finding his cheeks and softly tilting him up to look at you – and you swear you've never seen him look this wrecked before.

not after his worst crashes, not when he lost the rookie championship last year. once again, you've entered completely new territory, and your heart breaks at the sight of him.

"ollie, talk to me," you plead, biting back the pout that starts to form on your lips. it's so painful to look into his eyes, but you can't back down. not now, not when he needs you this much.

"i'm-" his voice cracks but he shakes his head, clearing his throat. "i'm so nervous, i don't know what to do."

it's like he's oozing anxiety, and his heavy sigh is like a stab in your chest. ollie, your usually so calm and collected boyfriend, is probably going crazy over this – you know him well enough by now to understand that he's definitely freaking out even more on the inside than what he shows or tells. "i get that. one hundred percent. but," your thumbs begin to stroke over the skin of his cheeks, along his jaw, and then finally across his eyebrows, to which his eyes flutter closed. "this is your dream. it's been your dream since forever, and now you finally have the chance."

ollie sighs, but nods. you're getting to him.

"and it's not just any car, it's a ferrari. do you realize how cool that is? do you realize how many people would kill for an opportunity like this?" you smile at the sight of him with his eyes still shut, eyelashes resting atop his cheeks, messy fringe covering his forehead. even like this, at his most stressed state, he's completely gorgeous. "you would've killed for an opportunity like this just 24 hours ago."

"but what if i ruin it?" his voice is barely above a whisper when he speaks, shoulders slumping forward. "what if i go out there and i'm shit, and then they realize what a big mistake they've done by even putting me in the academy? what if-"

"it won't happen." his eyelids slowly open and he looks up at you, seemingly not even the slightest upset that you cut him off. "you're too good to do that. you'll get in that car and it will feel like your second home, just like it always does."

finally, a small smile makes its way onto his lips. it's only been a few minutes since you came in, but he seems much more relaxed now, leaning into your touch completely. "i'll try my best to make you proud."

you pout. "i'll be proud even if you end up with a slower lap than your pole lap from yesterday."

a laugh bubbles from his chest and he stands up from the table, opening his arms wide and pulling you in for a tight hug. his heart is still beating louder than a drum in his chest when your ear is pressed up against it, and you're almost worried it will jump out any second. but his breaths are much more controlled now, and his mind seems much lighter.

he presses a long kiss to the crown of your head, arms squeezing you tight. "i really need to go, because the sprint starts in..." you shoot a quick glance to the clock on the wall. "forty-five minutes. my team is going to kill me. but go out there and show them, baby."

and that's exactly what he did.

though, that's not the only thing you were correct about; your team was indeed furious when you finally made it back to the campos garage. your main engineer, who was supposed to help you get strapped in and fix all of the last details with the car over fifteen minutes ago, was apparently so angry he left you to do everything yourself. it's not that you didn't know about your schedule; you just needed to be there for ollie before his big debut.

everything works out in the end, at least according to you, and you're soon settled in your car on the grid, waiting to go on your formation lap. however, you've barely gotten as much as a glance from anyone on your team. you can't help but press the button to activate your radio. "i'm really sorry, guys. i just... had to do something."

"hope it was worth it." the voice of one of your engineers booms through your earpieces instantly, the sternness in his tone sending a shiver down your spine. "we got a huge fine because you were so late to get into the car, so..."

another of your engineers speaks up. "let's focus on the race instead now. no need to fight."

maybe it was because you got to visit ollie right before the race, or maybe it was just starting third and having a good car. either way, the sprint race was one of your best races in a long time. not only did you pass richard verschoor starting one place ahead of you into turn one; you also overtook paul, who started from pole, before the end of the first lap and got to lead your first laps in formula two ever.

dennis came around to steal the lead from you, but just landing yourself a spot on the podium was enough for you to celebrate. when you scored a second-place finish where the guy in first place was one of your former academy members, it didn't really matter that the guy on the third step of the podium was your ex-boyfriend.

going through all media duties is always exhausting, but it's usually never as dreadful as it is today. sitting in that press conference, knowing that your boyfriend is starting his first ever formula one qualifying in just a few moments. you have to literally bite your tongue not to pull a valtteri bottas and ask the journalists how q1 is going.

when you're this busy, you don't really have any time to think about paul's rumors. though, something about it continues to loom in the back of your mind all evening. especially when he speaks in the press conference, despite how hard you try to not even look at him, and especially when he's asked about ollie.

as the press conference finally comes to an end, you're not the only one who wants to hurry out of there to watch the rest of the qualifying session. you and the rest of the podium trio find a big screen that's showcasing the session, and you all insist that you should stay and watch, despite the f2 staff members' continuous attempts to squeeze the last drops of content from you.

they keep stuffing their phones and cameras in your face, throwing all kinds of questions about ollie your way, but you refuse to budge. you won't let them ruin this moment for you.

you're sure they've gotten quite a lot of embarrassing pictures of you teary-eyed while admiring your boyfriend's results, though.

you follow the timing board like a hawk, but something breaks you out of your trance. "who are you watching?" your head snaps to the direction of the voice – the f2 instagram admin with her phone pointed to paul.

as if you all haven't been watching and chatting about ollie for the last ten minutes.

you try not to, you really do, but you can't help but roll your eyes at the sight of paul. he's trying to look all innocent, hugging his trophy to his chest as his big, blue eyes blink up at the screen in the distance. a year ago, you would've just thought he was adorable – but today, this frustrates you more than anything. "i'm watching my dear friend ollie," he starts, eyes finding the camera so easily.

dear friend, huh? a dear friend is someone you spread rumors about?

the next time he speaks up, you have to physically bite your tongue to not yell at him. "the guy who gave me one position on tomorrow's grid."

you turn your head away in pure disgust. how could he say something like that? is that the only thing he cares about, places in his starting grid for tomorrow's feature race? is he serious?

you want to escape, to just storm off and never speak to him again. but instead, you force yourself to take a deep breath and focus back on the thing you're here for. ollie is doing so well; when q2 ends and he has driven his last lap, he misses out on q3 by just over a hundredth of a second. he almost even manages to knock out the legendary lewis hamilton, his fellow countryman whom he's been following for as long as he can remember, in his first-ever qualifying session.

you've never been prouder.

"honestly, as long as i can just bring the car home without wrecking it completely, i'm satisfied."

you give ollie's hand a soft squeeze at his words, fingers intertwining as your hands rest on top of the hotel cafeteria table. your other hand lifts your sandwich to your mouth and you take a bite, chewing it down quickly before giving him a nod.

you know his statement is meant as a joke, but you know it's just as much of a truth as a lie. driving an actual ferrari f1 car is his biggest dream, and even just making an alright race probably is enough to make him happy. there's no pressure on him, no one is expecting him to perform a miracle or even score some points.

but at the same time, you know he would never be satisfied with himself if he "just" brought it home safely. ollie isn't like that; he's way too stubborn, too determined, too much of a sore loser. it's what makes him. no matter what he says, there's always going to be something inside of him telling him that he needs to do better.

"i think you'll score your first points today," you tell him with a shrug. "i can feel it."

"don't say that, we don't know anything yet."

a shake of your head in combination with that smile of yours is enough to make some hope spark in him. "well, you have the car for it," you start. "and you have the skills."

ollie stays silent, letting the distant chatter of the other hotel guests having their breakfast fill the air. the cafeteria is emptying out by now, but new faces have been dropping in for a long time now, most of them walking by to give ollie a pat on his shoulder or a quick "good luck, mate".

you put down the last of your sandwich, leaving it behind with the fruit rinds and other scraps on your plate. "but don't think too much," you hum, eyes softening as they land on his. he's trying to contain his worries and anxiety as much as he can, but the slight tilt of his eyebrows and the way his gaze tends to dart away every once in a while tells a different story. "it's just driving. it's just what you always do, no problem."

you hold your glass of orange juice up to him and he gets the hint, clinging his own glass to yours before downing the last of its contents.

you're just about to speak up again with new words of affection, but an icy feeling spreads through your body at the sight of paul entering the cafeteria. the feeling soon turns into real nausea, and you can't even remember what you were supposed to say when you realize that he's making his way towards the two of you.

you want nothing more than to stay and keep encouraging ollie, but you can't take it at this moment. you stand up from your seat, giving ollie's fingers one last squeeze. "i forgot that i have a meeting soon," you make up. "so i need to go. i'll come see you before the race, okay?"

he doesn't even get to say bye before you've stormed off.

unfortunately, you have to pass paul in order to make it to the exit, but you make no effort to even recognize that he exists. you keep your gaze straight ahead.

karl, paul's physio, does a quick greeting from you though – as well as a confused look at the candle pressed into a pastry in one of the hotel's yogurt bowls – but then, you're off to hide in your hotel room until you're needed at the track for race preparations.

of course paul had to come by and ruin everything yet again.

with a good race from yesterday in the bag, you thought you could keep the momentum into today. however, that didn't turn out to be the case.

when a trident driver hit you from behind in the first lap, you lost a few positions instantly and after that, it was a bit too tough to recover. you had opportunities for overtakes, and the car was good enough to go through with them, but you never could. you kept slipping up, making rookie mistakes, and falling back even further. it even got to the point where your team came on the radio to remind you to focus on the road.

but no matter how hard you tried, it wouldn't work. the entire race, something else clouded your mind.

or, more specifically, someone.

every time you even caught a glimpse of paul's silver car, it was like something in your mind short-circuited. the memory of your conversation with pepe, the thought about paul running around and spreading rumors about you in the paddock… you couldn't push the thoughts, or the anger, away.

other times, back in the day, you were always good at turning your anger into something positive for your races. if you were upset with your father for something he said about red bull or the junior program, you went out there and proved him wrong. if you heard that another driver had complained about how you just got your seat because you were a girl, you made sure to dominate the race.

your stubbornness was always your biggest strength. but today, it was like your tank had run out. as much as you wanted to completely crush paul, you didn't have the capability.

at least paul didn't have that good of a race, either.

the second you get out of your car, you storm off towards your garage. you know you'll probably get a lot of shit for your performance your entire debrief, but if you can at least get over with it sooner, then you can forget about it and refocus on the next race weekend. plus, you really want to catch ollie before he's away for his f1 debut.

thankfully, you're not the only one getting criticized during the debrief; the team is not very happy with pepe's start, nor his DNF. after they've gone on and on about how costly this weekend has been for the team for an hour, you're finally released, but not without one last reminder to "think about what you're doing here and whose time you're wasting".

it's natural to lose all energy and confidence after a race like this. but the second you're back in ollie's arms, it's like the world around you just disappears. he's always been the best at keeping you grounded.

you've probably never hugged him this tightly before, but you can't help it. the second your arms wrap around his neck, you pour everything you have into the embrace.

he looks so good, so handsome and professional dressed up in his ferrari race suit. not just his prema suit with the ferrari logo on it, but an actual ferrari outfit. he looks like a real f1 driver – and the realization that he indeed is a formula one driver now brings tears to your eyes.

"hey," he says around a chuckle. "don't cry on me, woman."

"i won't..." you reach up to wipe away a drop from the corner of your eye as you pull away slightly from his embrace, shaking your head. "i won't. i'm just so proud of you."

"why are you so sappy?" the scene in front of him brings a huge grin to ollie's lips – he finds you equal parts adorable and hilarious. "i'm just going out there to drive a car. no biggie."

"no biggie," you repeat with a scoff, dabbing your other eye quickly before doing your best to blink down your other tears. earlier today, you were the one saying all of this was no problem. and yet, now he is the one who has to convince you of it. "right. it's just your passion, the thing you love. but i'm still proud."

an engineer catches ollie's attention above your head, sending him a certain look that has your boyfriend nodding before giving you one last squeeze. "i think i should-"

"of course, go," you usher him, retracting from his arms. "i'll be here after, no matter what happens." he nods, and he's about to leave when you speak up one last time. "have fun, okay?"

"always."

who would've imagined that ollie would not only score points in his first ever f1 race, but also win driver of the day, have the most overtakes, and score a seventh place as the second best british driver of the race?

well, you had imagined everything from him coming last to winning the race by horse lengths. and yet, this was all so unexpected. if someone had told you on wednesday that ollie would score six f1 points three days later, you would've laughed in their face. but now, it feels like it's been a long time coming.

you weren't allowed to stay in the ferrari garage for the actual race – it would've been a pr nightmare for everyone involved – so your nerves were all over the place since you weren't able to hear ollie's radio messages, info about the strategies, and so on. at least you get to wait right outside the garage with jamie, chris and his dad david, being the first to congratulate him after such a good debut race.

he looks completely worn out when he finally walks out through the door, but you can almost feel the pride and happiness radiating from him. his sweaty hair rests messily on top of his head, and an ice vest is draped over his body already to cool him down from the insane heat. and, most importantly, the smile on his lips is bigger than it's been all week.

ollie looks like he doesn't ever want to let go of his dad's hug, his face nuzzled in the crook of david's neck for a long time. you can only guess what things the father is whispering in his son's ear, but when the result is ollie pulling him even closer, your heart expands in your chest.

when they part, it's jamie's and chris's times to congratulate the point-scorer, and when he pulls away from his manager's arms, his eyes land on you. you're pulled into his embrace in just a second, a giggle slipping past your lips when he lifts you up into the air and spins you both around. his strong grip around you never eases, not when he sets you down on your feet again and not when he starts speaking.

"i knew it would be hard, but..." he shakes his head, a sweaty fringe brushing against the side of your head. "my entire body is ruined. like, it doesn't hurt because i have so much adrenaline, but i'm going to be in so much pain later. my neck and my shoulders and-"

another one of your waves of laughter cut off his ramblings, and he joins in once he realizes what he's been doing. when you finally pull apart slightly and your hands come up to cup his cheeks, you're just staring into his eyes for what feels like forever.

your boy, the f1 driver.

"this is from your mum," you whisper to him, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "and this is from your sister." a kiss to his other cheek. "and... this is from me."

ollie has to crouch down slightly because even when you get onto your tippy toes, you can't reach all the way up to his forehead. but once you press your lips against his skin, all of the hidden tension in his eyebrows disappears. he's like putty under your touch.

"i'm so proud."

ollie's groans are muffled by the pillow his face is pressed into, head twitching when your thumbs press into some tense areas of his neck. you shush him jokingly, like a mother comforting a crying baby, but your movements never halt.

ever since he got out of that car, he's been complaining about how sore he is. especially his neck and shoulders, and all of the muscles that were most affected by the g forces. you don't blame him, however – he's got a free pass for pretty much everything for the next week, you think – but you decided to be a nice girlfriend and help him out. the strings of whines and swearwords he keeps letting out don't seem to be stopping anytime soon, though.

the lotion on your hands is enough for you to be able to glide your fingers across his upper back, along his shoulder blades, all over his freckled skin. as you're straddling his lower back, you can reach pretty much all angles of his upper body, and the knots in his muscles seem to be disappearing despite how painful your massage seems to be.

eventually, ollie tilts his head to the side, his blushed cheeks decorated with lines from the pillow underneath him. his slight pout is on full display and his tired eyes flutter closed as he speaks. "hey, y/n?"

"yes, ollie?" you reply, your thumb pressing into one especially stubborn knot in his right shoulder. ollie stays quiet for a few moments and takes a deep breath, almost as if he's gathering courage for something.

"you know that i love you right?"

the world around you stops.

everything freezes.

he loves me?

your breath hitches in your throat at the words. it's the first time he's ever said them, and though it's not the most uncommon thing for someone to tell their girlfriend of over six months, they make your head spin.

a mishmash of thoughts clouds your mind. they won't shut up for even a second. but the loudest thought is the only one you shouldn't have; it's about the only person you can't be thinking about right now.

the way that your mind instantly wanders off to paul is frankly embarrassing, but you can't help it. he's the first boy you've ever loved, the first person you've ever uttered those three words to. the only one. and no matter how badly you wish you could just forget about that and move on, he's still a part of you. he's your only real experience of love.

and this just isn't the same.

you want to say it back to ollie, you truly do. but at the same time, you don't want to say it if it isn't true – it's not fair to him.

ollie senses that something is up. your signs aren't exactly subtle, anyway; your movements have stopped completely and he can't even hear you breathing anymore. "hey, i'm sorry-"

"don't apologize," you interject instantly, shaking your head as you start to climb off his body. "you did nothing wrong. i'm the one who's sorry."

"stop that, you shouldn't be." he turns around, staring up at you with those big, brown eyes of his. "i don't expect you to say it back if you don't want to. i just..." he lets out a low sigh. "i wanted you to know, i guess."

you sit still for a few moments, before leaning down to place a kiss on his rosy cheek. "thank you." another pause. "it means a lot, you know?"

"well, you mean a lot to me."

and he does to you, too.

but is that enough?

ollie loves me.

he actually loves me.

he told me today after the race, and... i didn't say anything. i just sat there like a complete moron.

i couldn't say it back. i just don't feel what i felt for paul yet.

what's wrong with me?

why don't i race like i used to? why can't i control my emotions? was the sprint race yesterday just luck? did i really deserve that podium?

why does paul still affect me this much? why is he always there in my thoughts – when i'm racing, when i'm with ollie, when i try to sleep...

i have a perfect boyfriend and a great car, so why do i feel like everything is falling apart?

yourusername just posted!

yourusername p2 in the sprint 🥈 big thanks to the team for the hard work!! and i got to witness the rb p1-2 up close, congrats redbullracing 💙 also check slide 4 for an appearance from me and my former family on f1tv <3

show all 96 comments

user y/n and the prema staff during the driver's parade 😭 they're so cute

→ user her referring to them as her family, byeeee

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user why is no one talking about the last slide???

→ user because i can't talk while i'm crying, sorry

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user great job this weekend y/n !!! thank you for signing my cap 🥺

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user loved to see her celebrate the red bull double podium even after a hard feature race ❤️

→ user she had to balance out the post with that max and checo pic 😭 would've been just ollie & prema otherwise

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user ollie looks like a baby in the second pic 🥲

→ user just a little boy playing with his toy cars

→ yourusername i had to hold his little teddy bear during the race to make sure it wouldn't get dirty

→ user stopppp you're so real for sharing that

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beautifulpersonpeach · 2 years ago

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I've been trying to hold my tongue and not jump to conclusions but this just takes the cake BPP.

twitter. com / chain_7_/status/1630439943750434816.

This is after Seulgi said she won't sing Hype Boy so she doesn't "get into trouble" and company execs unironically called themselves Pink Bloods. I'm just astounded that this is still happening in 2023. Have things really not improved since 2017?

The depths of hatred, cringe, and ignorance from adults who should truly know better makes me almost want to weep Jesus Christ. I've read about SM group stans filing petitions with the Blue House of Korea because BTS won a kpop award and thought those days of insanity were behind us, but it's still happening NOW. It's amazing to me how all the things you said about kpop cultures in different companies is playing out in front of my eyes. I thought you were lying or exaggerating and truthfully, I've seen questionable behavior in army fandom too, but to see this kind of rot, from the top of that company, down to the fans who just mirror that sick banal behavior, and then the idols caught in the middle who can't even dance along to a popular song trend out of fear of angering their fans AND company executives. We are in hell.

And the gall of these people to then turn around and try to police armys' behavior?? It's giving Trump and Republicans 2.0 istg BPP and I'm sorry for ranting about this again in your inbox but seeing them sending trucks to Hybe building when they sat on their hands for decades while LSM skinned that company and the idols dry angers me so much! Did armys do something years ago to justify this hatred? Did BTS do something in 2013 that explains this behavior? I really don't understand how even SM executives can act like kpop stans on Twitter. Can you please explain this to me BPP??

Honestly, I get armys' behavior now. SM stans are everywhere in kpop and if I was surrounded with that kind of madness, I'd give them that energy back as well.

No matter if Hybe gets that majority stake or not, the things they have exposed in SM just in the last few weeks has soured my mind towards so many things in kpop and this is me being 100000% honest.

Yes I'm that petty.

I think you ignored my last ask because I had no evidence but I've included the link now. Is there any history of something BTS did that justifies more than a decade of hate and vitriol from fans of SM artists towards Hybe and anything connected to BTS? Real question so pls answer BPP.

***

Hi Anon,

Your link.

I ignored your asks not because you didn’t include evidence Anon. I ignored it because I honestly think you’re getting sucked in way too deep and I’ve seen this all happen before. As people prone to ‘discourse’ are wont to do, you seem to be getting far more invested into matters over which you have zero control, while stoking your anger over how the system works. And while giving you an outlet here could make you feel better and rally likeminded people to your cause, I feel it’s a counterproductive exercise at best because that also just further entrenches animosity and makes the whole space just more toxic.

But I feel you won’t move on unless you get an audience, so here we are. To answer the questions you asked:

There is nothing BTS or ARMY did years ago to justify the hate from the rest of k-pop fandom and from SM corporate executives towards anything connected to them. Except disrupting the system to be massively successful despite often doing the opposite of what was expected for a k-pop group and fandom, and still leaving the rest of the competition in the dust. Funny thing is SM executives way back in 2014 actually offered to buy BTS from Bang PD because they saw in them what we all see now. Bang PD obviously refused, and k-pop stans kept doing what k-pop stans do, as did the industry. Now, ARMYs today (especially after the Burning Sun madness in 2019 and the Jungkook gay club witch-hunt in 2020) have unfortunately gotten as good as the typical k-pop stan in giving back the same energy as good as they get, as well as platforming solo or akgae-lite voices in the fandom, and the fandom culture suffers significantly as a result. But yes the fact is that the animosity and hate towards BTS started out as a purely one-sided affair, with BTS and ARMYs taking the brunt of that insanity for years, until the last four years or so when ARMYs had the numbers to overwhelm the hate.

The typical k-pop stan is filled with resentment towards anything concerning BTS because they feel the group and fandom deserves to have a reckoning that will humble them. It’s a hatred that will persist for as long as BTS is at the top of the k-pop hierarchy because the underlying belief driving that hatred is that BTS does not deserve their status as other groups or idols are more deserving of the recognition and achievements. It’s why most of the criticism around BTS is centred around comparisons to ‘better’ groups or idols that aren’t getting the same recognition BTS is (obviously), regardless of the context. Or criticism around how BTS and the fandom respond to the system they’re situated in.

It’s essentially competition. With none of the sportsmanship, no referee in sight, and a mass of people who care more about ranting day and night about groups and fandoms they hate, rather than developing a knowledge base of the music and art created (however imperfectly) in this space. And what typically happens when competition becomes toxic and supercharged, is that it becomes politics.

That’s why the dynamics you see play out in k-pop fandoms is more akin to the dysfunctional political system in the US, rather than what you see in the Premier League (though they have their fair share of politics too). The typical k-pop stan is looking for Collective Guilt towards the fandom they hate to justify their behaviour since by that logic, BTS, yourself, and me are responsible for perceived slights done by the fandom, to other k-pop idols those stans support.

It’s why a couple weeks ago, a fan of SM groups walked into my replies, disagreed with me about Jungkook, but started cussing out ARMYs and the tannies immediately. That’s the kind of logical leap you make when you hate the subject, understand next to nothing about the underlying context, view the entire fandom of at least 5 million people as a uniform bloc, but are spoiling for a fight anyway.

This behaviour is also influenced by how the wider culture is dealing with a breakdown in civic institutions and traditional remediation channels. It’s happening everywhere now, not just in k-pop fandoms, but the structures informing those behaviours in k-pop have been entrenched for a long time.

And so Anon, I read your asks on SM, Hybe, k-pop and BTS and saw you’re falling into the same thinking patterns and beginning to conflate things that have no business being viewed together. For example:

Yes Seulgi skipped covering Hype Boy, but she was unclear about her reasons and there is no reason for you to fill in the gaps for her. Yes SM executives are explicitly, even somewhat myopically, anti-HYBE because they’ve tied up their economic interests with Kakao based on what has been disclosed so far, but that doesn’t mean every SM idol is prevented from enjoying art made by HYBE artists. You’re right about the culture of older k-pop companies and the fandoms of groups under those companies, but it’s pointless losing sleep over it because those behaviours are structurally supported.

There is nothing special about the hate BTS and those who love the group face in k-pop spaces. That hate is a function of how the system has been structured since at least 2009. If there was another k-pop group that approached the industry the way BTS did, and fostered the relationship with their fandom the way BTS did with ARMYs, they’d be on top and they’d be just as hated.

If hate from k-pop stans is something that bothers you, I suggest you avoid ‘discourse’, spend less time in k-pop fandom spaces online and try to build more fandom connections offline with a focus on what you genuinely love about BTS. Keep this SM-HYBE deal and the rest of k-pop discourse related to it at arms length because you cannot influence the outcome, and HYBE can take care of itself. For one thing you shouldn’t think your interests are identical to HYBE’s, but even if you were concerned, from a purely business standpoint HYBE’s downside in this deal is limited because they already own a stake they can always monetize later.

Detach, detox, and focus on what you love instead. It will do you far more good than getting upset over how millions of people behave in a system established by 20 years of incentives and culture.

#K-pop #fandom behavior #bts army #bts fandom #kpop fandom #sm entertainment #hybe

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pbandjesse · 1 year ago

Text

Today was a good day. Honestly I was tired but I felt happy for most of it and in the morning that's what really matters.

I slept a lot better last night. And when I woke up James was right there smiling and that made me very happy. And I was just looking forward to a good day. The weather would be nicer and I got to be outside and it was just really positive. I don't really good. And while my mouse was a little small and cold he was alive and that was nice to see. He also was kind of dirty but I could not deal with that in the moment. That would be a later project.

Me and James left for work at the same time. And I was feeling a little catastrophizing when we were first leaving. Just stressed for no reason convinced that something was happening that everything was going wrong even though nothing was actually happening and everything was fine. So my brain was like well obviously everything is going to go wrong now because you think everything is which is not a healthy mindset but I'm doing my best. And it was a nice ride into work. I got to camp at 8:00 and went right to the art building.

there wasn't a ton that I had to do but I did want to make sure that I had all of the stuff ready for painting and for brush making with the group. It didn't love that we were doing brush making outside of my Native American program but that's what they asked for and now I'm going to have to order more feathers but it's whatever. They would really enjoy it so that was good. And I painted over the banner letters with white again and I think I made them look pretty good. I did not get another picture of it but it's okay. It still wasn't dry all the way anyway so that was a little annoying but not the end of the world.

I went down to the office and I had my breakfast. I had stopped at 7-Eleven on my way in because I just really wanted a donut. So I had that and worked on my knitting and answered some emails and waited for other people to come in. There wasn't much for me to do this morning.

So I worked on my knitting and I waited for people to come in. And then Sarah was in first. And it was her birthday I was very happy to see her. But I felt so bad she had lost her voice completely! So while we were supposed to have four rotation she could not lead one. So that was a whole drama that we would have to figure out but we move forward. And we were totally fine in the end even if mistakes in our rotations happened.

I would wait for everyone to come into the office and after we be briefed about the day. About how Elizabeth had to go to another dentist appointment and all of the other minutia of the day. I went over to the lodge to wait for the group.

I sat in there and worked on my knitting and gave, the leader from indigo, came in and he was like oh my God you are here. I was worried you were not going to be. Because I had not been in the office when he came in. And we had like this really lovely conversation about raising good humans and adults and not just a good children and how I may have been the only one that looked at their website and read their mission statement. And how he's very spiritual and he was wondering if I was too and I think he meant like woo woo spiritual kind of like Kim. And that's not a bad thing but I think sometimes I mirror people so strongly that they just assume that I believe the same things they do when I'm just having a conversation and mirroring their thing. But I don't disagree with a lot of things he was saying I'm just not like as I said, woo woo about it.

But he had some really lovely things to say about me and my teaching and my energy. And I love when people tell me I have good energy. And he just was really sweet and I was telling him that I just really appreciated their commitment to the bit but then I kind of realized that I think he thought that I was saying that he doesn't actually believe in all the stuff he's saying and I was like no no when I say the bit I just mean like the repetition. That you do it every time and it's expected and so like the kids can trust you and the kids love the bit. That's just the language that me and James use. And it was just a really nice conversation it made me feel really good. I love people that are like all in like that makes me really happy.

I did have to then mirror my coworkers who were all kind of like sleepy and like this is so goofy and I was like yeah totally like let's just do what we're going to do and do the best that we can with what we're being given. And neither one of those people that I portrayed in those moments were fake They were both as genuine as I can be just different energies. That makes me sound a little psychotic. But I'm not I am just good at making the people around me feel listen to. Because really what you want to listen to is yourself.

And for real the kids today were wonderful. They were third graders and they were so sweet. They thought that Camp was stinky which that was hilarious. But they seem to have the best time. When they came in we did a couple minutes like we're going to have safe bodies and then walked to the council ring and we did the same feet walking softly and eyes looking and all of the things from yesterday. But bigger and more and they even had a song about their school mascot which was hilarious and very exciting. And then it was time to go on our hikes.

I was not as anti-hegg today I think mostly cuz I had actually remember to switch into my real work shoes. And I took them in front of the council ring and up to stockade and then we ran around in there for a few minutes and then we went behind and down to frog hollow and then I took them up behind the Alaskans and then we went all the way up to the barn. I was hoping that the horses were there with but they weren't so we continued to walk since we had plenty of time and went all the way up to the field to see the horses. And lucky us they were all right at the van. And the kids were so sweet and so excited to feed the horses hay and pet them and talk to them. I kept having to remind them to have flat hands and to not scream. Mostly in excitement but a few times because they got licked. And I don't think they were prepared for that. But the teachers that I was with were lovely and I had lots of good conversation with them and I got to talk about Native American stuff and history and science and I was just having a great time. Just vamping. And the kids were a lot of fun even though they were running in front of me they were still really good and no one was being like naughty even though I would jokingly call in them that. I never call kids bad when they're actually being bad I just do it when it's funny. And these kids were fun and nice enough that I could actually just joke with them and that was great.

Because they touched the horses so much I took them directly to the lodge to wash their hands. And then I passed them off to their teacher so I could go set up my next program.

I did get to take a couple seconds to eat but mostly I had to pull my wagon across the field to the training post and set up some tables for paintbrush making and for painting itself. But we screw up a little bit. Papers making was supposed to be its own rotation but because Sarah lost her voice we decided to make it a full group presentation and then go to rotations from there. I wanted to do it inside like we do at Native American but Gabe was like no everything should be outside. Fine whatever I set it up at trading Post. I went in to get the group and I thought what was going to happen was we were going to stagger by like 1 minute. So that I can give the first group instructions and while they're making I'm explaining to the next group. So then I can get through all 60 kids. That is not what happened.

He sends the first group out. They were supposed to be with me as a full group for 15 minutes. But he only sent the first group out and not the other three. So the first group was with me for almost a half an hour but after the first 15 minutes the other groups came out and went to the other stations. So then everything was screwed up and so all groups missed one rotation and I felt so bad. Specifically for the kids that did not get to see the animals. They really wanted to see that's Nick. And there just wasn't time. Which sucks but it's okay. We do our best. And all the kids seem to have a blast doing what they did get to do. Brush making went okay but was exhausting. Sarah was literally the only reason we were able to do it. She can't speak but she was able to make sure the supplies were controlled and the few times we had to run up to arts and crafts to grab more paper or more materials we had each other to lean on. And it was a really good time. It was chaotic but it was good and we were able to accomplish what we set out to do and that felt nice.

Hope it was just not really nice day out. The weather was beautiful. I was in a good mood. My feet hurt but I was doing all right. And I had a good time helping the kids make their brushes and then they got to use the paint with them and I think I would do it a little different if I was to do it again but I still think it went really well. It was a lot of fun.

After the last rotation me and Sarah cleaned everything up and pushed the wagon across the field. We had to get Nick to help us because I was struggling getting over the roots with the wagon with all the boxes on top. But we got everything inside and me and Sarah would sit down and work on a list of things that we could reasonably accomplish over the next 2 days from the to-do list.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to the country club where they're having the golf event fundraiser and then after lunch me and Sarah will come back to camp to accomplish anything we can. So we sat together and went through the list and we picked out a lot of things but if nothing else is going on we can at least make a go at it.

We went back to the office where Alexi had brought cupcakes for Sarah and we sang to her which she said felt weird only because she's a twin and she doesn't remember ever getting song just to her before. Which was very sweet and a little sad. Because I really like her sister. She actually worked at first I think. But I'm glad we were able to celebrate her birthday and the cupcakes were really good.

We all just sat outside and talk for a while. Elizabeth asked us to go and clean off the tables in the lodge so we went to do that. We were surprised to see that the kids were still there. So I started spraying things down and Celia and Sarah would wipe everything off. Celia and me and Sarah would also sweep. I would stop sleeping at one point to help Gabe get water so he could go put out the fire. And told him that he should ask the office if they can show him how to use our Gator because he's carrying stuff all over Camp and he's going to get exhausted. And he did get exhausted because he also raped out the entire counseling because the charcoal from the fire he felt like was disrespectful to leave in one spot. Which is not wrong. But at least it got done. That's always important. And he is just very earnest and I appreciate that about him.

Once I was done me and Sarah want to go look for the group signs that had not gotten returned to the lodge. And eventually went inside the office and figured out what people's roles for tomorrow would be. Mostly like the beginning of the day was because for things that need to get picked up. And we were trying to figure out where the acrylic sign holders were but nobody knew so I wasn't with the keys up to the Alaskans to look in the basements.

I have never been in denali's basement before. So it was neat to see all the stuff that was down there. But I could not find the signs. I checked the Yukon, I checked Tlinget. But no luck. I even went back and checked a second time because Heather thought about a specific box. But no luck.

I did find some very cool boy scout pants that I took to wear because I thought they would be funny. All the grommets and hardware say boy scouts of America on them and I just think it was too good to pass up. Especially because they were in my size.

I went back to the office to return the key and double checked about where I'm supposed to go first thing in the morning. I'm going to pick up some signs before I go to the country club. And then I said goodbye to everybody and headed out of there.

I got home and James had just beat me. They would look so happy to see me and I was so happy to see them. They would make me a salad for dinner while I worked on my knitting. And that's basically what I did for the evening. I washed my little mouse. Who seems to be doing very well and he's all fluffy again. He also ate some food and I watched him do it so I know that it happened. And James would leave around 6:30 to go to a baseball game. We had sat on the couch and talked for a while. About our days and about stuff that we're going to be doing in the next couple weeks. About why James is not going to be going to any of the playoff games if the Orioles do get in. And then I would just work on my knitting.

I wanted to try to speed run a sweater. So I was able to both the front and the back panels today. And I stole the sleeves off of my original crocheted sweater from a few years ago that never worked out. And bye 9:00 p.m. I have a sweater. It's not perfect. I think I'm going to take it apart again tomorrow to try to shape the body a little bit better but really happy with this as a first go and proof of concept. I definitely want to try it again. But I'm excited. And it was fun just having like a goal that I was going to finish this in about 24 hours. Just laughed at me when I told her that I had done it because she always yells at me for being too productive. But she was being very productive to putting out together her whole bed tonight. She didn't have not being able to and had to call the company because it was made incorrectly and they're going to send someone out to build it for her so she wins in the end.

Now James just got home after they won the game. They are in a great mood and that makes me very happy. Sweetp just accidentally got locked out in the hallway. But he is inside now and we are all safe. James is going to take a shower and then we're going to go to sleep.

I'm excited for tomorrow because it's going to be a different day. Like an interesting day. And I hope that I have a lot of fun. I'm excited to go somewhere I haven't been before. Let's hope that holds up to expectations. Good night everybody. Until next time.

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