#also all i want is nothing ofc lol
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have u listened to stomachaches!!
of course!!!! she formed the third leg of the 2015 depression trinity of Bullets, Hesitant Alien, and Stomachaches :)
guilttripping and the prettiest girl were my favourites :)
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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Ok game time which 3 series would you just DIE to get a run on ? I'm talking full creative control, can be as a writer or an artist + plotter if that suits your vibe best
My 3 are
Suicide Squad
Wonder Woman
Green Lantern Corps/Green Lanterns
(in that order)
#last one may wiggle around but i think thats mostly it. others i would want to do but if were talking full runs then this would be my picks#there are other things id ofc want to do though. a wonder girl (cassie) mini in addition to the ww run probably some superman stuff too#although idk him as well i do love him. maybe a mini there or even a prestige format book if i go crazy#would love to do a quick something with cass cain too ofc (me and the rest of this site lol). could probably figure out a plot to smth#longer if i thought abt it but would love to guest write a standalone issue or two for an ongoing of hers#what else would i want to do.... the sui sq and wondy are rlly the big ones bc ive thought abt that the most. glc ive thought about too but#to a bit less of an extent. ooh there was that bleez mini i plotted out during lunch once last year. think i had some sketches laying around#for that too.#who else would i do.... those are rlly the main ones atm. books i would write vs books i would read are definitely different though. there#are some pitches i would throw out but wouldnt know how to write at all i just know it could be done good somehow. like ik nothing abt#aquaman but i think its possible a wonder woman/aquaman story could slap#OR NO A WONDER WOMAN & SUPERMAN ONE I WAS JUST TALKING ABT THAT. dont call it that though ofc they should get a duo name in the same vein as#world's finest. and ofc 72848274 issues of bro time. anyways <33333333#also a not abt the rankings sui sq is higher than wondy which may seem crazy from a wondy blogger but 1. i do love them and 2. they need me#so much more. this subject is such an egofest for me bc ofc i think i could do everything perfect but like they need a good run soooooo bad#whereas id LOVE to do wondy but ik they would survive without me. anyways yeah <3#anyways on a totally unrelated not at all adjacent topic.... my askbox is always open btw 😘#also idk if my green lantern corps book would be called glc. may just hit the green lanterns vol. 2 bc who is stopping me really
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trying to finish reading dungeon meshi now that it's done and just seeing everyone in the comments talking about ships. gun to my head
#ofc anytime someone says they ship smth straight someone has to be like 'ermmmm labru and farcille are better' like. not to me.... sorry#i actually do like farcille but people are so annoying about it acting like it's 'essentially canon' that it puts me off.#tbf that why i dislike a lottttt of ships LMAO not that i'm in the habit of caring abt it too much in most media#but sometimes it just really annoys me liiike laios and marcille have just as much ship tease as farcille (if not more)#but they couldn't get naked and go in the bath together so it doesn't count ig#tbf i'm not even huge on any ships except maybe fleki and lycion. i love when two equally weird ppl love each other#also like. they already had someone in the story who was head over heels for falin and i'm pretty sure shuro and marcille act nothing alike#when it comes to her. so. eh. i mean yadda yadda subtext or whatever i guess lol but if it can just as easily read as not romantic then#i kinda find it hard to care honestly. which is why i don't really ship anything from it. which brings me back to my original point#why is that basically all people talk about when it comes to anything... it should be a garnish not the whole god damn dish#and there's soooooo much in dungeon meshi that's more interesting than romance which is basically never once a priority#anyways. i'm just being an asshole and a hater as usual so go about your business and do what you want. i'll just be mad about it alone#labru is so nothing burger though i will never understand...
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Idol au where they have to do a physical game show and because Kei and Koto are the weakest and slowest, Kai and Kou team up to get the easy win.
But Kei and Koto get so heated about it and use their ibms to cheat
#my art#Ajin#Ajin au#k4#ajin idol au#they are ruthless#I just know it#also lol if this is the first time fans see Kei for how petty he REALLY is#he always out on the sweet shy boy attitude cause ofc he does#and then they watch him here and everyone is like omg he’s a fucking dick#he purposely sabotages Kou every game and doesn’t bother trying to hide the fact that he is doing it#Kou can’t even prove they’re cheating cause then they would all get outed as Ajin#shinya as the temporary host watching it all go down and he says nothing lol#I want to think shinya in this au was supposed to debut with them but took an acting role instead#he’s a lead in a popular drama along with Yuusuke lol
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mordecai is the first funny bitch like spends 90% of his time literally just standing there going "i'm dapressed" to himself while everyone in the vicinity takes potshots and then he's clocking in for the night shift where for the next 9 hours people go "god mordecai would it kill you to act like you're having more fun at the [kills you] factory"
#The First Funny Bitch as a phrase from the ''cain was the first funny bitch'' post that i will use with some flexibility. yaknow.#i love going like oh boy a coworker triumvirate. their funny little guy (other duo going ''i want him dead'')#though it's unfair to the savoys lmfao if he's at best sometimes a desk toy to them: they do at least keep calling him babygirl#and giving him special mordecai invitations (by not inviting him) to their hotel room to try to marry him#so if nothing else we do appreciate adding a ton of flair to [afflicting the autistic coworker]#in turn i appreciate that mordecai and viktor's dynamic probably consisted of mutual ''i Do Not Care if my coworker seems weird''#but outside of that; was anyone at lackadaisy aggrieving mordecai with the style & variety that the savoys bring....perhaps not#an upgrade in that realm....and there seems to be Some mutual [i do not care if my coworker seems weird] there again too lol#even while they've all probably been working together like half a week & haven't all worn their getalong sweater long enough#and already mordecai is doing his [not just literally standing there] rogue lone mystery solving deal lmao. wild card that he is#lackadaisy#oh also speaking of [before mordecai went grr i Hate still working here; ripped off the fridge door; went & got a new Hated job]#it's pure bonus comic realm & particularly Elevated Silly Goofs genre at that; but#points for ivy having that Younger Sibling dynamic w/mordecai w/the implication she takes his forbidden condiments index seriously#and like; in general lol not even just a [it's serious when it comes to dealing with this weird guy] way. all the more powerful for that#wait i nearly forgot to mention the hot new otp: mordecai / j.j.#that's right [sad trombone] providing guy. i know enough. first funny bitch 4 first funny bitch.#[guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass] 4 [guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass]#and ofc because it is funny in & of itself. & basically like Your New OC. so much room to maneuver that you cannot crash#also hmm like if your nickname for someone is Maybe ''annoying mf'' does it cancel out....eh#numbers flying around intense focus like everything points to ''hatchet would directly translate to hatchette not petit hache''#and if you mon petit hache it (read this w/such a meter that it all rhymes)#900 tons of restraint not going ''wow this is just like analyzing billions'' & by even saying i've managed to avoid as much; now i haven't
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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grgrhgahahh i wanna read more pokespe but i cant do it on my phone and im not unpacking my stuff until the morning
#this is not a real issue i am plenty entertained rn and also am going to be going#to bed soon anyways. i just am rlly in pksp mood#im in a pkmn mood in general lol ive been reading reguri fics as previously stated#but also i got back into legends arceus earlier today which i havent played in TWO YEARS. which is crazy#and man i fucking loveee playing pkmn i rlly hope they make the next#mainline game not half baked. i didnt get scarlet and violet bcuz of that :(#i had a playthrough of it in the bg but. its not the same#it makes me sad that im not up to date like i dont know any of the new#pokemon i dont know anything about SV's region or characters or story#i want to though. maybe ill get around to actually sitting down and watching a playthrough at some point#i also want to get caught up with pokespe in my reread so my first#experience w SV might be thru spe. which is weird to think about#thats never been the case for me with a pkmn game before#i mean. in terms of just being familiar w the game not playing it myself#i have not played every mainline pkmn game lol#my first one was pokemon pearl. which i never beat. but after that i#got alpha sapphire which i was CRAZYYYY obsessed with. i played that game to the bone til there was#literally nothing left to do other than grind to lvl 100 for the hell of it#pokemon moon is INCREDIBLY special to me for a number of reasons#mainly that it was my first pkmn game that i ANTICIPATED. i remember watching the trailers#over and over. every time they dropped new info i was eating it up. i remember when the starters final evos#were finally revealed i was so excited. and ofc the INSANITY that was the red and blue reveal. good times#but yes i similarly played the shit out of moon til there was nothing left to do. and it was the first one#where i was INCREDIBLY invested in the story. i cared and still care about the alola casrt#soooooo much they were literallyyy my friends. i drew them sooo much. and ofc lillie was one of my#most specialest little blorbos ever. i was in LOVE with her as a kid. it was serious#anyways and then i played pokemon sword which i also love dearly. i beat the main game but i#actually still havent finished the dlc.... but i also care very deeply about the galar cast and drew them a lot as well#and thats all not mentioning from my years long obsession with pokespe lol. but anyways yes#serena.txt
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it's only wednesday and the amount of kpop shit that's happened this week.....
#jane.doc#what do you mean i just found out that a member of a bg i dislike PLAGIARIZED one of the biggest 3rd gen bgs like a year or two ago ??????#like i know said bg fell off but it wasnt their fault but theyre still a recognizable name#AND I KNOW THE SONG THEY PLAGIARIZED ?#the crazy part is the producer admitted to it and then said he didnt care bc all he wants is money im so#???????????#also is there nothing happening in japan bc why is BUNSHUN in a kpop idol's business idc if she's japanese wtf#and ofc the other elephant in the room being fucking sharkface leeching off the kids again for his cb lmfao#oh and the originator of the term dozen had his solo debut lol
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love my social worker he's so sweet and i love my mentor/guide/one day i'll find a fitting english word for what her role is too. last time i met the former he said they talked abt the thing i'm starting this thursday and said "while it feels like these circumstances may be impossible for you, logically speaking you shouldn't succeed there, yet both of us are certain you will" which is very nice but also AAAAAAAAAAAAA
#they're right like these ARE p much impossible circumstances for me#but i do think they think too highly of me and i'm definitely gonna disappoint them 🥲#this was both assuring yet. like. pressuring. if that's the right word idk#ik there's the whole. 'what if i fail' 'but what if you don't' back and forth but genuinely. realistically speaking. i most likely will#i have never been able to maintain those daily structure stuff like school for example#and while i do hope that since this is only 4 short days a week (with a break in between 2 and 2) and smth i like doing -#- then i'll have an easier time. but. it's still gonna be so hard.#there's a reason i don't go out or wake up early ughhhhh it's bc i hate doing it. idk if theater would be enough to make up for that#and what if i don't like the people what if i don't get along with the directors what if i struggle with remembering lines or physicality#which will make it all so much harder and make the part i'm supposed to love unpleasant as well#what would i do then 🥲#. why am i anxious about this rn. i have a tough day ahead of me for a different reason i should probably focus on first 🫠#vent#sorryyyyyyy it's 1 am and i need to clear my brain out it seems#also maybe i want. advice. or encouragement. idek what i want. here. i don't wanna have to worry abt this but that's impossible ofc#(my mom told me today that she wants to tell me there's nothing to stress about but she knows that'll just be incorrect 😭 and she's right)#(dw she meant it nicely and gently as in she knew i'd just get mad at her for saying it lol. and i mean. again. gotta be realistic)
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i do acknowledge i need to watch what i say wrt gender women men cis ppl etc just augh.
#its like. im a trans man 100% i want nothing to do w being seen as a women i acknowledge that. i also acknowledge that I am putting#literally zero effort in my irl life to present as a guy at all. partially lack of resources and embarrassment etc stuff like that partiall#the autism i literally look in a mirror and see a guy#and i go to class go to work and until soemone explicitally refers to me as a woman i think of myself as a guy. so like its this weird#disconnect of what i actually do vs what i percieve as expieriencing in my daily life where i am objectively living#as a cis woman who just dresses and acts a bit masc. lol.#and like that doesnt bother me atm until i get to a setting where i am gendered frequently. then i feel nauseas etc but whatever ill deal#so i always hesitate whenever i talk abt women feminism men makeup beauty expectations etc (also i am mixed thai and white which#def plays into everyhting ofc ofc) as i dont know rly what is like. not fine idc if i say smthn uncouth just i dont want to at all#seem like im doing what these other trans guys do and latch onto my femininity and 'girlhood growing up' etc or like#its all dumb to me ofc im a feminist i consider anything i speak abt feminism free the nipple being against gender essiantialism etc etc#as in feminism (not that women arent/cant be femnists just in terms of im not trying to sound like a woman) and#ofc growing up as and my current life experiences have obvi had a large impact on myself how i veiw the world my political beliefs and all.#but like. im always scared it sounds like im idr the phrase someone else used but a i dont want to seem like im latching onto girlhood as#a failsafe or whatever. its just mm ykwim its a weird feeling. cause like im a 21 year old man and read my posts as such el oh el.#idk its all weird and idk if its a specific to me thing or whattttt it just like. i feel silly sometimes and i dont want my points to be#misconstrued :) anyways me posting this after rewatching and posting abt pearl has nothign to do genuinly lmfao just timing its been#on my mind after that dumbass trans guy posting abt the lonelyness he feels abt abandoning womanhood#after watching barbie. lol and then i saw someone in the comments of some ig quote it w like 30 replies all positive like get a lifeee#i understand it can feel isolating being trans and everyones relationship back to womanhood is diff and complecated but by god. shut up#anywayyyyyssss mmm okay im done whateverr#maybe all a fear in my head and literally none of this has every crossed anyones mind however it bothers me :(
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Bro what do you mean endori is only 4 events from the graduation event. Stop it stop it Now
#rat rambles#band posting#bro theyre on the yukiran event rn with crying ran its so jover#yall arent allowed to be catching up thats illegal#well ok saying theyre catching up is egagerating a bit but still thats so scary#I only noticed this because Ive been thinking abt yukiran again because I alas love them still and I found out thats the current event in en#bro once mygo is in en thats rly when its going to be jover#and you know if endori does succeed in catching up one day theyll be in shambles immediately afterwards#although who knows I havent been keeping up with endori so maybe its miraculously become a functional english server again#like idk endori has never been perfect but at least its almost always been more usable than ensekai lol#bro the song list ui alone is enough to make me wanna beg ensekai players to delete it#its ridiculously ugly and unprofessional and also I hate a lot of the english names for songs (~close to grey~ is the big one for me)#also just in general ensekai is incredibly ugly and unstable even by sekai standards and it has done nothing to earn my trust in any regard#like idk if you care at all abt the actual rhythm game part of it I see no reason to not get the japanese version#like I get wanting to have a convienent place to read all the stories translated (even if I do Not trust the translators)#but like even with bndori which I started and played on endori for well over a year I still ended up drifting to jpdori as my main#the massively expanded songlist and up to date events just seem impossible to give up to me if you know how to access them#like ofc I wont go yelling at ppl to play on jp servers (plus theyd make multilives Much more unbarable) idc that much lol#but still I think if you can its a good idea to make a jp account if only so you can play jp exclusive songs if you want#this applies to both sekai and bndori to be clear although Id forgive an endori player for wanting to savor the old ui while they can lol#sekais new ui is fine but bndori's is literally sooooo ugly such a massive downgrade#also while I dont hate the new art direction as much as some ppl I definitely think its worse than the old one by a lot#its so dusty now </3#anyways I got off topic there time to stop talking
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man i have soooooo many thoughts abt the sasaki to miyano authors rules on reposting their manga panels 🥲
#because like .. at the end if that’s what the artist wants then there’s no way you can go against it because they Made the manga you Have to#respect their wishes because it’s their work and that’s obvious#but also . idk it diminishes all the excitement abt the manga#like you can no longer talk abt specific scenes or expressions or cute panels etc#this is what kinda made me lose interest in this authors works ngl it just .. doesn’t hit the same#but that is the artists wish so nothing can be done#like i get altering panels even by colouring and stuff but not being allowed to repost (without the official hashtag ofc) is rly sad. 😭#and i’m not talking like the entire chapter ofc but rly just little panels etc to help when you’re talking abt a specific scene#i do that sm with witch hat and jjk lol and it really elevates my excitement and love ?? and i love when other ppl talk back to me abt those#scenes#i think it’s also jarring because i’ve never seen other authors post abt this many specific rules but ig it’s common in japanese fandom but#we’re just not exposed to it#it’s like when you read a book and you wanna post abt certain quotes and lines#like how else do you reference that exact thing yknow other than showing it when it’s manga panels 😭
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sometimes i look at my sister and i see all the worst parts of me and it’s not terrible bc i don’t want that for her. which i don’t. but it’s terrible bc she’s doing it wrong
#like. she is showing it Wrong !#she is taking all this anger and rage at herself and shoving it at everyone around her and making her problem everyone’s problem and smth in#me physically recoils every time lol#like. visceral. smth deep inside me. just. says No <3 with teeth#but this isn’t wrong ! she is fifteen ! this is a child. this is a person. who is angry and in pain and messy and doesn’t know how to deal#with it and is being so v unkind to herself and is going through it by putting this on other ppl and picking fights so the anger can go#somewhere. and this isn’t healthy but holy fuck is it so much better than what i did and just internalised all of that until i couldn’t#speak about it for years lmao#it’s not wrong. it is not. but it feels like it is. my knee jerk reaction is what are you doing. stop. stop! keep that to yourself like the#rest of us. i don’t say this to her obv bc. ofc not. but jesus . yeah . yeah#and so i end up saying nothing to her or the diluted version of the right thing bc i’m so scared to tell her to do it like me which i do Not#want. like at all. she is not me and this is such a good thing#she also has a tendacy to bite the hands that fed her which. doesn’t help lmao#just. needed to get that out#delete later
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someone... make me draw....
#i've been translating stuff from hypster magazines until i got bored of it#only bat stuff because it's me we're talking about ofc#they're so silly.... i love them...#hitoya bringing a tent to a campsite that's big enough for him to park a car there and then trying to get fire with a stick.... hdhdhshdjfj#enjoy me spilling a bit of paid content info for free lol ✌️#also me reading whatever jyushi says in the q&a like ?????? what...???? OH. OH HE MEANS HE COMPOSES AT NIGHT RIGHT. OKAY. okay.#what else hm#this is all from 3rd issue since it got uploaded to hypster page today and i only own the 5th one#so nothing new y'all can probably find better info than what i can write anywhere lol#okay i'm rambling#i want to draw but i don't have energy _(:3 」∠)_#ramblings
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have decided at the very least i think i could stand to make my workouts a little longer because a lot of the time i still have reading left to do by the time an hour is up and i might as well still be exercising while i finish up it's just. depending on when i get started that could go much later than i really want and sometimes as it is i'll have a really short reading and i'll cut the exercise short too but i guess as long as i try to do 90 minutes most of the time that'll hopefully make a difference to my health
#i literally kept thinking about it like okay i do an hour on the bike and close to that on the treadmill#and i alternate days and i was like i certainly don't want to do both and i don't really want to just treadmill bc biking is easier lol#but i'll work up to it because i don't wanna just start doing 5 miles instead of 3 on the treadmill even if it is just speed walking#but yeah still nothing from the doctor ofc like maybe i'll hear this afternoon#but i just wanna know if i have to go on any medicine! that's all!#also i guess i need to try the lidocaine gel since i just picked that up yesterday#personal
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