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cluescorner · 7 months

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Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:

Steph (25):

Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)

Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)

Her worst trait really is her spitefulness

Cass (26)

Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.)

Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness.

Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)

Tim (24)

Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)

Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)

His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)

Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)

Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this).

Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)

His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)

Dick (17)

Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)

Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)

His worst trait actually is his anger issues.

Barbara (18)

Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)

Thinks her worst trait is her disability

Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)

Damian (16)

Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)

Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism

His worst trait actually is his perfectionism

Duke (16)

Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)

Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)

His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words

Jason (14)

Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne).

Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)

His worst trait actually is his reactiveness

#stephanie brown #cassandra cain #tim drake #dick grayson #barbara gordon #damian wayne #duke thomas #jason todd #batfamily #randomizedrobinsau #I'm debating whether I should tag this with the Joker Junior tag and those related to it for Pierrot #because like...it's not quite that. but it's also very close to that and is the direct result of that.#but Pierrot would fucking HATE to be tagged as that and sees it as an insult to his identity...which he already has problems with #so I don't think I'm gonna #anyways lmao I am totally projecting my younger self onto Barbara. How could I not? She's literally the reason I view my disability #the way that I do and she actively improved my mental health just by existing and saying some of the shit she did when I was in the #stages of accepting my own disability. So yeah I am projecting a lot onto her because I love her and see myself in her.#I'm mostly basing these characterizations on my favorite versions of them (ie Red Robin 2009 Tim and Birds of Prey Barbara).#so I'm taking the traits I like/think fit in this AU and discarding what I think either is bad or doesn't fit or if I just don't like it.#Damian's 'murder gremlin who is a meanie on purpose because he is a meanie' is entirely unappealing to me and also does not fit this AU #I prefer him when he's portrayed as a sympathetic kid (who is still an asshole) and not a demon child. So that's what I'm using.#same with Talia's 'abusive mother who is totally on-board with all of her father's bullshit and will kill someone for no reason' version #I have read enough comics to know what I like/what is most important and what I don't like/what is #BLATANT CHARACTER ASSASSINATION GRANT MORRISON YOU FUCK YOU SET TALIA BACK SO FUCKING FAR #I also decided to outline their WORST traits because I already know what I like about these characters/their best traits.#most people do. But what was a greater challenge was finding what would make their lives and those of others worse.#what would I hate about this person if I knew them IRL? What would I first suggest they get therapy for? What hurts them and why?#I found these questions really interesting in the context of this AU where some people are forced into completely different roles #the says/thinks/is was inspired by trying to answer that question for myself. I say my worst trait is my impulsiveness but when #I asked others in my life they answered 'oh so you said your weird thing where you don't ask for help right?'

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carefulfears · 1 year

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Explain what you said on Twitter

assuming that you're talking about when i said that imo the conversations around "scully, you're making this personal" aren't aligned with the intent/impact of the scene (actually i think what i said was that the scene is very serious but y'all never talk about what's serious about it so you loop back around to being unserious) and tbh i can do a post on my own feelings about the scene sometime when i'm feeling more with it if y'all want but i just meant that people bitch about that line every single day talking about how it's hypocritical and how infuriating it is and how much you hate mulder in s6 etc etc but i literally never see anyone even think about like...the actual meaning of the scene and implications of the line and the context and where they're each coming from. it's all just a very shallow and reactionary discussion in my experience

(i ended up talking more in the tags lol i never shut up in the tags)

#interesting to watch byers' reaction in that scene tbh. considering he's the one who said he 'always wondered' why mulder and diana split up #he very much has a look of 'don't go there' when scully keeps pushing it #as pointed out in randomfoggytiger's analysis of the scene which is linked on their page #this obv isn't shade to anyone who's talked about the scene lol #asks #scully LOATHESSS diana lol and has literally every reason and more #i just think the convos around that scene are missing the biggest emotional aspect (scully's violation in relation to diana's participation #to like.....focus on a totally different angle and blow it up #when i say that the scene IS very serious but never in the way discussed #i mean that it's very much about scully begging to be heard and kind of quietly betraying how much her own exploitation impacts her #how much it IS personal #and it's also kind of a last ditch effort to try to get the person she loves out of this abusive/manipulative situation using evidence #and he IS listening to her (he goes from there to check diana's apartment and tells diana he has doubts about her. which he didnt before)#but she doesn't know that bc she just hears 'scully you're reaching' 'scully you're making this personal'#my interpretation of the line is that he's talking about her criticism of diana. which we know she's been vocal about from her #'you KNOW what i think THAT woman is' in the previous episode #i think he's taking it as input on HIS personal life and what he does with HIS relationships and HIS ex (wife) (lol)#but what makes the scene serious and kind of haunting is that that actually is not what she's talking about at all #she's talking about the chip in her neck. she's talking about her dead daughter. her dead sister. HIS dead sister. the dead MUFON women.#all things that she KNOWS diana is involved with. but she can't MAKE him see that or believe her #(even though he does take in her input moving forward)#they're just not on the same page for once and they're not talking about the same thing #like it's a very deep and very very difficult conversation because it's so convoluted in abuse and power structures and trauma #but my main thought on it is that like...i never see anyone think about the implications or even the aspect of scully's personal history #all anyone ever says all the time is like omg of course it's personal to her i hate him for this men are so stupid #NO ONE EVER EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT THE SCENE WAS ABOUT #and ofc people are allowed their jokes and not every post on every scene is gonna go into how people think about it or how they interpret i #it's just always a very shallow conversation surrounding a very important scene which bothers me! that's all

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smol-tired-binch-blog · 1 year

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[kicks door down]

Autistic Nishiki whose special interest is fashion and not only considers what's trendy but also looks out for fabrics that aren't a sensory nightmare, however sometimes he will force himself to wear something that isn't comfy for appearance's sake, which leaves him more vulnerable to getting overwhelmed and therefore 'emotional' Also means he has his collar popped like Kiryu's for sensory reasons too and slutty reasons, which would once again make me correct in saying if he undid his collar in Kiwami he'd be normal again because if I were constantly experiencing sensory discomfort I too would be fucked up and evil.

Cause like here's the thing, autistic Kiryu and Majima headcanons are more obvious (especially the former), whereas Nishiki probably comes off as the most 'normal'; he can likely maintain eye contact and talk to people 'normally' and not like, go off on some random tangent about a special interest or hyperfixation. And then you remember masking is a thing.

And okay, so I actually think it's unfair a lot of fandom considers him a 'crybaby' right, cause he's cried in situations MOST PEOPLE WOULD RIGHTFULLY CRY OVER! BUT, I can use this to my Autistic Advantage and have this be he actually struggles to regulate his emotions, and considering he's been exposed to the yakuza world since a young age where ANY emotion that isn't 'respectable stoicism' or 'righteous fury and indignation', he's seen as even MORE overly emotional. Hence the need to start masking so early, PLUS having to protect Kiryu who couldn't mask if his life depended on it because he doesn't realise he may HAVE to (speaking from personal experience, Kiryu definitely went his whole life unaware there was anything ""wrong"" with him (for lack of a better word) and had people just like "oh yeah he's just Like That dw bout it" and went on with his life), so Nishiki takes up the mantle of I'm The One Who Knows What We're Doing Lad's desperate to gain acceptance and will change whatever he has to but people still somehow pick up that Something's Off About Him and so they tend to be disdainful or brush him off. It's easy charisma that can win over hostesses and brief encounters with civillians but can't carry across in the yakuza. Kiwami is him trying his DAMNDEST to act neurotypical even at the cost of his own comfort, and the worst part is it's not working

#akira nishikiyama #yeah i can do headcanons too!! i can go all in on em!!! i need more silly headcanons to go with it #what do you think his stims are? i literally just read a mutual say he likes spinning keys and shiny things and YOU ARE SO CORRECT #i think he likes clicking his lighter open and closed as well which is another reason it's annoying Kiryu keeps borrowing/losing it gvbhjnb #sorry i had a chat with a friend last night about this cause this headcanon's been swirling around in my head for a while and i'm actually #putting the pieces together. sorry for using terms like 'wrong' and 'normal' but it's like that's the easiest way for me to explain it and #like i said im talking from personal experience. im close with someone whose basically masked their whole life and is realising 'nah mate #im just nd' meanwhile I grew up having no idea what autism was but I Clearly Was That and assumed everyone ELSE was being difficult #and yet despite relating to Kiryu moreso something about Nishiki's lack of a hold on his identity compels me and im like same dude #this is what i mean by whenever i think about Nishiki there's a 1/3 chance i'll start crying cause HE MAKES ME SO SAD #BABYGIRL YOU DESERVED BETTER!!!!!

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strwbrymlkshake · 9 months

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who up praying for downfalls 🤨

#mine #yandere #yancore #yandere vent #oh my god have i got some things to say. ooohhuuoouugh buddy #its not even my own situation this isnt even related to me. but im being a nice upstanding young man and venting abt it instead of invoking #the curse of ra. wishing someone dies is such a good coping mechanism fr because instead of thinking about it forever i can move on with #my life. and its great! but oouuuh theres something wrong with that huh. and oh my god. this issue is so fucked but i cant explain it in #a heartfelt and meaningful way. so imagine someone is religiously devoted to a guy and their mental anguish stems from jealousy or fear #of abandonment. and they are internally tormented about that forever. and just because they dont fit your definition of whats right #youre all like Hey you know that guy that means everything to them. how about we take him for ourselves solely bc this person #this suffering person whose life depends on him- who acts like that BECAUSE they are suffering- you think they deserved to be punished for #their traumas? their guilt and pain and anguish? you are no better than whatever you think they are.#i dont think this even makes sense cause im vague on purpose. this sounds like a situation from the bible i think #idk i didnt read it. anyways im skipping and frolicking in my cradle of hatred that fills me with warmth and delight #its not required that people are nice or respectful when their lives have been wretched thanks to people like YOU #but i hope their devotion never wavers due to people who hate their happiness. its not like those people matter anyway #if youre meant to be with your Guy and you love him enough then nothing else matters at that point. its all a test #die a martyr for your own romantic ideologies or whatever satou matsuzaka said #this is literally the equivalent of like. a mother cat adopts a kitten that isnt hers bc her own kin are all dead. she protects this kitten #with her entire life. and her whole being. and hisses growls bites at anyone that comes close to it. and some human teens are like #we should take that kitten solely because the mother cat loves it so much that shes willing to get violent for it.#because its not very niceys of her to harass those who want to take away the only thing she has left! oh noes!!#like shut the fuck up dawg. if that cat mauls someone for getting too close to her baby then mind your own goddamn business #clearly they did not grow up italian 💀#clearly they did not grow up with nothing being their own. nothing being sacred. no desire to protect anything #anyways yanderes i love you. you are fr so easy to be around and you should never change for anyone. i mean maybe take some therapist #advice here and there in case your devotion makes you suffer but OTHERWISE!!! dont feel bad about being a hater!!! protect what is yours #and i will respect it so hard i swear to god. its not that difficult to treat your devotion with the kindness it deserves.#if a disrespectful teen tries to steal your kitten then ill help you beat them to death with a shovel idc

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iftitah · 9 months

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talked to school bestie 2 hours on phone god im out of breath with my chest hurting but it so worth the talk

#she was so patient with me listening about bcg #like i do not talk anyone about my relationship because why would i #but i talk to her and everything related to him flows out naturally #because she's know me since i was 9 and we've gone through all these years together knowing each other's personality like no ones #and ofc i didn't start out of nowhere she really wanted to know she said this is serious for us #and i giggled because yes all the times ranting to each other about silly crushes but this is a serious thing #and i could let her know everything and she was so patient so listening towards me #so considerate so tender i almost wanted to say how i miss seeing her face everyday and talking shit until we're both panting with all the #talking #i miss her being in her life actively #god im so grateful for her #she understands me so much not to mention she knows parts of me better than me #i need to let her know next time this everything i mean i have couple of times but yk #im so full of emotions rn

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neverendingwinter · 5 months

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Whenever I remember ***, I have a lot of thoughts, and one of them is "Wow, some of those posts are stuff that younger me would have probably agreed (but for another character)." And then I think about how younger me would probably hate the fact that I now like akechi.

My other thoughts are "Wow those guys suck."

#adeline.txt #i do think that there are some big differences between me and the mods tho (most obvious being that i don't remember anonymously messaging #numerous accounts and harassing them about how their fav is a rapist)#i mean I was very much toxic with stuff related to the character but i would just post it in my acc or a discord server #not gonna talk about my past feelings about the character bc that would mean that i would talk about my personal life #my only feelings about the character now is “why did the creators put nazi outfits on a character that's meant to be morally grey”#I'm very much glad that i distanced myself from the game tho (not just for me but also the others i've hurt)#i hope that they're currently doing well tho #note: I do think that *** had some good points. unfortunately. But the 2 good points are erased by the fact they unironically said that all #akc fans are abusers (bc obviously calling fans of a character that's an abuse victim abusers while also harassing them is a very not #abusive things to do) or how they made a hateblog to talk about how he's an abuser rapist (I think that they mistook him for his dad) or how #they said that liking him is self harm or how they're like ''well no akc fans tried to prove us wrong so him being an abuser rapist is #basically canon'' <- gets blocked by most akc fans bc the first instinct of anyone that gets told by an anon that their fav character is a #misogynist rapist abuser is to block that person

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nowendil · 8 months

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thinking about. womanhood again

#been thinking about how much of the way i have let some kind of womanhood in as a fragment of my identity is infleunced by me thinking that #'well people are going to gender me as a woman anyway so might as well accept it'#and i think that's a part of it (not a thought i overall enjoy. feels somehow defeatist or like i'm giving in or whatever.)#(which i dont think it is but it's a kneejerk reaction)#i do also think that the way i have been actively trying to unpack some of my internalized misogyny has a part in it #i'm not proud to say that i did grow up as a girl who thought womanhood (as it was presented to me at the time)#sounds stupid and way too much effort and unrelatable #but now that my view of the different ways to experience and relate to womanhood have broadened #i can say that i do feel some connection to it. even if i dont usually really claim it as wholly mine #and that acceptance has made it easier to be perceived as a woman in my day to day life #i'm not saying it never stings but. isk it's a bit different #i have said it before but the main thing that bothers me is being seen always and only as a woman.#like i can be a little bit of a woman and Kind Of Like a woman or a close approximate of a woman #but if Woman is all people see my gender as that stingsss #just like being seen solely as a man stings too #(this doesnt happen often so usually it feels more like a fun gender sprinkled in.#or like. it affirms my gender by telling me that i can confuse people)#like. i'm not really a woman i'm not really a man but those are the two options currently recognized by most of society #so a mix of both feels like the best case scenario for me personally genderwise #because gender neutral terms dont always just. hit the same for me as mixing gendered ones does. this varies greatly though #but also i would like to. hm. how to say this. not make that into a rule for myself? i dont want to overthink it #(<- says a guy who has never not overthought anything)#like i have been finding a lot of joy in dressing a bit more masculine in the last year which is wonderful #but sometimes i find myself stressing that if i look 'too masc' people are going to misread my identity more often #because i have a masc leaning chosen name and all #but i try to remind myself that. bitch people are going to misread and misunderstand your gender no matter what you do. relax #but idk. anyway abolish gender so i can start stressing over something else #nowe talks #gender

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jorvikzelda · 10 months

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see I like to say I don't believe in ghosts. BUT. Maybe I do a little, sometimes

#first of all I know I have messages from friends I will be probably not replying to them for a little bit because I am presently emotional #I will get back to you in 15-30 minutes probably. i just need a little bit of time and quiet #a very important person in my life who was absolutely crucial to what I'm doing with my life passed away this spring #& the Very Important Thing that I'm doing on Thursday is very much related to said what I'm doing with my life #as I'm packing for the trip (leaving tomorrow morning) I feel a little lump in a pocket in one of my bags and dig my hand in there to get i #and it's a little crumpled tissue with a little dried up leaf in it and it takes me a moment of ?#and then I'm hit with this really vivid memory of. at their funeral I had a small bouquet and one of the leaves fell off.#and I wrapped it in that tissue and put it in that bag #aiming to throw it away later.#I must have just... forgotten. and then never even noticed. until now.#and I feel like that was them. I feel like there has to be a meaning to why I found that NOW because I use that bag like.. fairly frequentl #so yeah I think that was them. reaching out. and saying you are going to do good and you are going to be fine and I am proud of you.#and I really think they would be proud of me too. to be honest sometimes it's what keeps me going.#I feel like what they taught me and the wisdom they passed down to me gave me purpose. and I have to fulfil that purpose.#and also I'll be buying a little locket necklace to put that leaf in.#z talks #not horse game

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bpdamandayoung · 11 months

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my father told me i'm like him i'm gonna rip my hair out pull out my teeth rip out my internal organs and throw them against the wall to see what sticks

#depression and stuff #girl you literally made me into this fucked up thing you see now #i'm your daughter!! you were supposed to protect me from everything that's bad not to hurt me #gonna vent in the tags bc i'm fucking done #he said he doesn't remember hitting me well good for you bc i can't forget that #i told him about when my depression started and how i remember him screaming at me bc of my grades and said 'yeah i remember you weren't #studying enough and got bad grades' motherfucker i the lowest grades i had were c i wasn't close to failing a subject even once back then #now he said he wants to fix our relation. girl. you're the reason for my bpd. you made me into a shell of a person.#you gave me (and i hate this term bc it sounds so unserious) daddy issues so bad i can't have normal relationships with men.#yeah i know your father wasn't shit either but god you could have tried to be my dad when i needed you #i had nobody around. no adult person to talk to bc mom wasn't interestedin me too but at least she tried you just never did #i hate how my life will always be marked by all those things you've done

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elytrafemme · 2 years

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i remember when klavier split off and how, like, happy we all were. because before him it was just me, dahlia, and nightshade all fighting with each other. like not just mental fighting like physically fighting with each other, my first interaction with nightshade was on a discord call where i had to mute because we were co-hosting and throwing shit and threatening each other. and then klavier comes and he’s an instant ray of sunshine and at the very least, me and dahlia realize that we had a missing piece. and the three of us became so much closer, dahlia and klavier were a little queer for each other and klavier made all these friends and dahlia would front to keep me from having breakdowns, or front to buy clothes, or front to talk to my therapist about us. and klavier would come out and listen to his like 7 hour long playlist. and we were happy because i was like, well, they’re not gonna go. they can’t do that.

and now they’re gone. dahlia last fronted for a life or death situation and then she left and i thought that would mean she’d be around more but, no, that was it. klavier always seems sad or upset with me whenever he fronts. rory and nightshade and cynthia and daisy and all the others i never knew the names of have never come back. the first alter, orchid, she’s never fronted either. not since it was too late. she might have fused with me but it’s hard to say because i haven’t been the same person for longer than two months in a very, very long time.

like is that not all fucking crazy to you? it’s crazy to me. it’s crazy to think that now people are going to say they were never real at all and it’s like no you don’t get it. i hear different languages i don’t speak in my head. i get flashbacks to trauma that isn’t my own. i have headaches that feel like my brain is splitting open that have lasted 5 hours because of non stop switches.

it’s not that they were never here. it’s the opposite.

#don't reblog #nightmare.system #it sucks that i will never believe people when they say they relate to my experiences #because i have gotten dm messages from the most closed off people from strangers even saying they get it #but i don't think anyone understands. because i don't think you can understand something that is nonexistent #to be honest i don't know what reality is anymore. externally or internally. i don't know the reality of my emotions my opinions my anything #and i can think back to all the moments where it should have been obvious #that my brain is just transplanted pieces of dialogue taht other people have said to me #their opinions and their own lives stitched together until it made a person out of me #and maybe that is why it's so deeply fucking upsetting that my alters have gone quiet #because this is the first time in my life that my brain has been 'mine'#and if anything about the way i've acted for months has been obvious it's that i don't know what to do with that #i don't know my age. i don't know who my friends are. i don't know what you think of me. i don't know my values.#i took two tests about my attachment style and i answered the opposite to the same questions on both. within an hour of each other.#and both were honest. but both contradicted. because it is literally impossible for me to believe anything wholly #and that's always been a uniquely me thing. klav tried to get it but he never did. same with the others to a lesser extent #but dahlia was as consistent as most human beings are she had her weaknesses and her contradictions #and she did petty and objectively stupid things while still pretending she was logical #but she was her. and i was fifteen people in a trenchcoat #i don't know why i'm saying all this. i don't know why it matters #i'm just so tired of not being understood. tired of people not trying to understand. and tired of people trying to understand #but never actually getting close.#myself included.

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