#all the men are queer. they are. i love how comfortable they are with each other. and RAJAN IS A GODDAMN KING. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

menlove · 5 months ago

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one thing that adds to credibility of Paul being closeted imo, is that often he is thought of as having this internalised homophobia, if not homophobia itself, because he always mentions how un-gay he is whenever some gay subject comes up in interviews

but like, there are so many things that disprove him being homophobic, it's not even funny. going to Paris alone with gay men? Paul did that two times (three if we count John lol) and that Peter Brown story is incrediblyy suspect. what homophobic man, scared of gay, sits on the bed of his male employee and his male fling that casually late at night in his hotel room and chats them up?

most likely reason, combined with his incredibly suspect lyrics, is that he is so defensive about his sexuality because he has something to hide

THATS WHAT IIIIIM SAYING!!!! like he is so comfortable w gay people and gay culture which on its own isn't suspect but it Is when people insist he's homophobic as a Reason He's Repressed Not Closeted. and once again I must remind everyone that john nearly beat a man to death for calling him gay and was still undeniably queer.

it's just like. imagine for a moment. with me. everyone hold my hand. not claiming this is true but walk w me along this path to get to current paul that isn't "he's just repressed and stupid and doesn't even know he's bi" but is instead MY speculative timeline (somehow this turned into a mini fic or something god help me but I'M SO SERIOUS IM SO SERIOUS THIS WOULD MAKE THE MOST SENSE TO ME WALK WITH ME HOLD MY HAND)

you are born in the 1940s. you are raised by a strict man who was physically abusive & in a culture that hates gay people. you grow up watching people get killed for being queer and being bullied over your feminine features that people think make you queer. you hit puberty and Shit Gets Harder because you start finding other men hot. elvis, for one! when you're 15 you start seeing a boy around that you think is hot and it turns out he's in a band and you fall in love with his looks and his voice and then him. and he's just as insane about you. you start doing increasingly sexual things together. eventually, you're having a full blown sexual affair. while writing love songs together and growing up together. and then he gets his girlfriend pregnant. and marries her. and you lose him, a little bit. he goes off and has an affair with your gay manager & when he gets home he ruins your birthday party by nearly beating a man to death for bringing it up. you wonder what he'd do if anyone found out about the two of you too.

and then the insane happens and you end up The Most Famous Band In The World. the ENTIRE world is watching your every move. the entire world loves you. they wouldn't love you if they knew. you get a girlfriend and it's convenient because she's always gone and you're always alone. but you still have him. and other girls. through everything, you have each other. even when he says something stupid and the world wants all of your heads on a platter and he starts to fall into a depression, you still have each other. even if now you Know how bad it could be if they ever found out. and then your manager, your father figure, an openly gay man, dies. and it's not a suicide, but a lot of people think it is, and sometimes you wonder, and fuck it's terrifying, isn't it? the reality of your life, the reality of loving Him, the reality of being queer. what if that winds up being You? you start to lose Him a little bit more as you throw yourself into your work and push everyone way too hard. you propose to your girlfriend. and then you do lose Him. to a woman. which was sort of unthinkable because he was already married and never cared about her, just you. never cared about any women, just you. but he cares about Her. and you fucking lose your mind. lose yourself in drugs. blow up your engagement. propose to another girl and many more "jokingly". your one girlfriend says you had to try again or you would have gone "raving queer" and killed yourself. the whole time you're losing Him more and more. suddenly he's looking at Her like he used to look at you. you're no longer his world and what the fuck do you have? a bunch of girls you don't care about and a drug problem? and then you meet a woman who, according to you, is more woman than anyone else. she's a mother already, a family ready made when you've always wanted one. she's smart and she's funny and she's quick and you let yourself cling to her because you don't have Him and he has Her so you've got to have someone, don't you? and she winds up pregnant and that's great, that's wonderful, you're no longer in danger of dying alone and queer and sad. you've lost Him by now completely, even though you have about a month where things feel a little less awful again and you perform together one last time. you marry her and you ASK people, flat out, if they expected you to be a 26 year old unmarried queer. you fight the night before you're married for some unknown reason, so badly she almost leaves you. and then He marries Her, and everything is fine. and then it all falls apart completely. you at least had Him as your friend, your writing partner, the other half of you legally. and then he asks for a divorce. and the world ends. you don't have the band, you don't have Him, you don't have anything. you stay in bed all day, drinking, miserable. like a breakup, not just of the band.

eventually, your wife pulls you out of it. you survive. you start writing again. you write to him. you put two beetles fucking on the cover of your second album and he thinks a song you wrote about your wife's ex is about him (and maybe it is, a little) and he shoots right back. and you keep that up for a decade. writing to each other. seeing each other only in the news and in snatched moments together where nothing is the same as it was. you plead with him through your music: why do you hurt me so bad? call me, pretty baby. I'm waking up screaming over you. I can't tell you how I feel. you try and make things like they were, even a little, showing up to his house with your guitar like you're 15 again, but he sends you away. in all that time, he's basically gone to conversion therapy. he's with someone who makes disparaging remarks about his sexuality. for you, you've let yourself embrace being a bit campy, but you still can't bring yourself to be open about any of it. not with anyone but your wife.

and then you start talking again. you make up. things seem hopeful. it seems like he might still love you and he writes you a song about starting over with you. and then he's murdered. and it's senseless. it's so so senseless. and it's unfair. you lock yourself away for days listening to that song he wrote you. the media tears you apart for grieving wrong. they wish you died instead. they think you're cold. you never loved him, not like he loved you. you write a song, with tear marks on the page, telling him how much you DID love him. all the things you'd say to him if he were there with you. you write more songs about that, all centered around that theme. some of them you say are about him. others you don't. once, you say if anyone catches on you can just deny it. but he wrote you love songs too, apparently, for you, and you eventually record them with your old band

and the thing is, You are one of his widows. his name follows yours every time it leaves someone's mouth. he's all anyone ever talks about with you. he's all you want to talk about too. his legacy is your legacy. he's no longer here to tell people about his sexuality, he's no longer here to consent to everything that you were being told. he's not here. and how can you even begin to mention Your Own sexuality without bringing him up? you owe him more than outing him in death. you owe Her more than that too, because you were already cruel to her and so was the world. she's grieving just like you, you can't do that. your wife dies, and now you're her legacy too and you being queer would seem like a betrayal to her. your best friend dies, and now he's your legacy too. you aren't just you- you're Him, you're 1/2 of the living members of the most famous band to ever exist, you're Her, you're your dead wife

so when someone asks you about him. when someone asks you about being gay or calls him the love of your life. What Exactly Are You Supposed To Say?

I wouldn't say shit either

#this got so long I just have a lot of feelings about paul if. you couldn't tell.#this is all PURE speculation btw. it's just the way I feel it would go if. he were closeted and they were fucking #a if you give a mouse a cookie type ramble #mclennon

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dykeomania · 10 months ago

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lovergirl!hazel headcanons

｡.｡ just some evidence of a love that transcends hunger, tbh.

a/n: i needed a break from writing a fic and wanted to write something sappy. this is the something sappy in question. wanted it to give how-you-become-hazel's-lover -> what she does when you're actually her lover vibe but it just got real mushy. i like it. i hope you like it, too. proofread, but i'm blind as fuck + i'm rusty, so.

tags: gender neutral (i think. i may have fucked up once or twice. please correct me if i did, i proofread fr fr over time. not intended for cis men), body neutral, and poc friendly. some niche reader things (tarot mention, reader wears makeup). mild nsfw -- kissing, making out, heavy petting. almost third base. starts in high school, ends in college.

practice fanfic etiquette. please don't plagiarize or repost my stuff.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who sits up straight on the edge of your bathtub and looks up at you in complete awe when you're getting ready. she's got the dumbest, most lovesick puppy look in her eyes as she watches her lover line her lips, and apply a sheer coat of gloss on top. when they turn around to ask if it's even, hazel smiles so wide that it makes the apples of her cheeks sore.

she doesn't really know if it looks okay, she just knows that she wants to kiss you.

she only manages an mhm because it's what you want from her and, well.. at this point, hazel's convinced that she'd drop just about everything to give whatever you want.

you snicker, closing the space between you in slow and steady strides. "what are you looking at, huh?" you teases, grin stretched across lips lined nude, gleaming pink.

"mmm..." hazel can't help but like, drunklenly (she's dead sober).. haphazardly loop you in by the belt loop, head tilting easily to the right. "yyyyyou."

her eyes droop as she falls victim to the familiar spell that you cast over her. one that starts with you taking her face in her hands, and bringing yourself close enough for to take in all at once. she's made dizzy by the smell of your conditioner, made defenseless by the familiar trace of your body wash radiating off of your skin.

"what're you looking at me for?" you grin, your hands hot on her cheeks as you stand between her legs.

"why wouldn't i wanna look at you?" hazel gently manages, hand finding comfortable purchase on your hips. she grips gently with admiration, fingertips pressing into sacred flesh of something, someone, who she couldn't believe is hers. "you're just so pretty."

but let's take a few steps back first,

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who meets you purely by coincidence. you don't go to fight club, and you don't do cheer. you don't have any classes together, you hardly even know of each other. you do, however, have to work concessions for football together one night.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who doesn't talk much, and honestly standing next to you feels kinda stupid with the bruise that she has on her cheek. she usually never really cares and she's usually super talkative -- she doesn't talk much because well.. she doesn't really know.. how to. how to talk to pretty people -- well, it's not like she finds you pretty, it's just.. anyways,

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who makes some dumb joke about athletes and you kind of snort.. and she's immediately charmed. hazel callahan who has a desire to keep you entertained, and continues to do so throughout the remainder of the game.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who actually is in your class, but, neither of you just really noticed. hazel callahan who sits next to you in the weeks following. who spends her free periods with you. who eats lunch with you. who eventually gets around to telling you about fight club, over turkey and rye sandwiches.

"so you just, like..." you take a break from chewing, tonguing some bread out of your back molar. "punch the shit out of each other, and it's school-sponsored?"

"...well, yeah. but in like a self-defense, queer way. bring people together, create some solidarity. a safe-space on campus for queer community, kind of thing."

"oh okay, so like, in a slay way," you revise.

hazel stares. scoffing out a gentle laugh. "uh... yeah.." hazel furrows her brows, shaking her head. "um.. what does that.. what does that, like, mean?"

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who becomes your best friend.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who really likes you. like, as a person.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who likes you maybe a little bit too much.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who doesn't know how to embroider, so when you embroidered her converse -- creating a wreath of vines, speckled with bright little flowers around the all star symbol -- she was so happy. but she felt so bad because she didn't know how to repay you.

"let me make it up to you?" she insists, fingers playing with your own, but not creating enough distraction to prevent you from protesting.

"what?" you scoff, subconsciously locking her hands with yours, as though you're about to declare a thumb war. "no, how?"

"i don't know! this is so nice, let me like..." hazel shrugs voice dropping timidly, "..take you out or something."

a beat passes, one that feels like forever. a large enough one to create space for all the butterflies to rumble around both of your stomachs, and for the elephant to pass through the room. hazel can't tell if it's your hand that's begun to sweat in your grasp, or if it's hers.

your eyes narrow at her, grin stretched into something cheshire as you shake your hand, and hers. "i think you just wanna take me out on a date."

hazel smiles sheepishly, cheeks flushing a bright flamingo. she shrugs, next words quiet and intentional,

"so what if i do?"

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan doesn't know how to embroider but she does have an eye for wildflowers. when the girl who shows up at your doorstep, it's with a dorky smile, a batch of spring, and a bandaid wrapped around her index finger and her thumb. the flowers that she biked about an hour north to pluck -- from a field she discovered after having simply gone too far -- are bunched together and wrapped in a trader joe's paper bag, the kind that her mom always leaves in the kitchen under the sink. she put the boquet together herself. spent too much time thinking about whether or not you would like the arrangement or the colors, probably went to the store to grab a few of your favorite flowers that she couldn't find.

"oh, these are for you. see, i tried to make this whole thing, like.. semi.. transactional. again, like, i don't really know how to embroider flowers, or like anything really, so... these were next best thing, i guess." she offers, as though it's nothing.

"you look.. really nice." hazel's eyes linger, stricken and dumb. she fills her lungs with air, huffing out her next sentence. "are yoooouuu.. ready to go?"

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who thinks that star signs mean nothing, and doesn't know jackshit about crystals or anything of the like. but hazel callahan who is all eyes and ears, criss-cross-apple-sauce with you on her floor, as she watches you knock your knuckles on a deck of tarot cards and shuffle through them for what you called a "semi unreliable, two-card reading."

hazel callahan who jumps a little when two cards fly out from the deck. who furrows her eyebrows when you turn the over. an the lovers and two of cups, both upright.

"what..." she snorts. "what does that mean?"

"um.." she watches you blush. "it means.." and she blushes when your eyes linger on hers, and then look up. feels her stomach flutter when she watches you take a deep breath in through your nose, like you're shuffling through all of the words in your head.

"...let's just saaaaayyyy... nnnew connections might be coming your way, soon."

hazel has no fucking idea what that means, looking at you, she surely could hope that that's true.

...

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who is shocked that you want to like.. have a sleepover with her. this doesn't really happen to her. like at all. but it's happening with you, so she's down.. but it has to be planned. hazel callahan pulls out all the stops to try to make sure that it's.. well, perfect, she guesses? she makes sure that it's on a weekend where her mom is out of town (not even because she wants to do anything but you know how her mom is). she asks you what all of your favorite snacks are beforehand, and offers to go get more if you run out. she makes sure that you have satin pillowcases if you have textured hair, just in case you forget a bonnet, or anything. probably does that regardless of whether or not that's applicable to you, because she hears it's better for your skin and what not. she gets a weighted blanket for you and some extra pillows + takes out an extra throw if she knows that you get cold easily, or damn near strips her bed down to just one comforter and gets a desk fan to face her bed if she knows that you get too hot.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who you create a shared movie list with, and who will sit with you and watch all of your favorite movies. all of your least favorite movies. will watch movies that you insist that she must see and will do so with very little fight because it's whatever you want, really. hazel callahan who is very quickly realizing that she would do whatever you wanted, as long as it meant that it got you to smile.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ (hazel callahan who, granted, talks through a lot of those fucking movies. like. hazel callahan who has a really fucking hard time paying attention to movies.)

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who clearly has overthought everything. who laughs at and understands all of your dumb jokes and is always a little shocked when you laugh at hers. who lets you rest your head on her shoulder when you watch movies in her home-theater. who lays with you in her bed and compares your tiktok for you page with hers and finds it a little too easy to poke fun of you. finds it not as easy to remain calm when your head rests comfortably on her chest, and thus hopes to god that all of the cringy tiktok audios are masking the sound of her heart beating out of her chest.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who looks at you when you mention that it's getting late, and insists that there's a guest room if you wanna sleep in there, or an air mattress that she was supposed to blow up.

"it's too late for that, though." you frown.

"no," hazel, being hazel, is quick to reassure, shaking her head. "no, no, i could totally blow it up. we have an automated pump, it'll take like 20 minutes."

"mm, i don't know, it's still kinda late for all of that..."

hazel blinks at you. her eyebrows raise, corners of her lips gently upturning. "okay. i mean, do you wanna take the guest room?"

you look up at her, eyes big on purpose. "that guest room's kinda scary." you lift a brow. "it's dark. and cold."

hazel thinks she might.. be tripping. she has to be. her blink is slow, and her face knots together, and releases -- the way it does when she gets all timid and indecisive. "o..kay..." she grins nonetheless, furrowing her eyebrows. "so then .. where are you gonna sleep?"

"..i mean.." you burn, and so does she. "...i could just sleep here with you?"

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who can't help but feel girlish and vulnerable laying in her bed with you, her stomach tied in knots over how there is nothing usual about this situation. fully seeing you in your pajamas. feeling the gentle flesh of your bare calves rub against hers. being within such close proximity of you that she can still smell the lingering remnants of soap on your skin from your shower.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who dares to let her finger dance on your upper bicep, but that's just about it, really.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who only nudges closer only when you nudge closer. who only lowers her voice, when you lower your voice. who only holds eye contact when you start it, but is always the first to look away.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who falls into a trap: eye contact held after some conversation that did not, and does not matter. she follows your eyes down, chocolate eyes focusing on the arch of your cupids bow. she does tilt her head up to find her nose nudging softly against the underside of yours. she doesn't know how you two got this close. hazel callahan who feels her hands grow sweaty, feeling your breath linger over her the chap of her lips. who nearly stiffens when she feels your hand press into her back, but instead arches into the crevice your body makes and presses her palm against your hip.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who does what she thinks she's supposed to do, and kisses you -- soft and gentle, like the whispers that fluttered over both of your lips earlier. brief, and endearing.

her lips stick to yours, and then her lips press into yours. and then her lips open when yours do, and her hand tightens on you when yours does.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who has no fucking idea what she's doing. like, seriously. she kind of knows -- i mean, okay, yeah, she knows how to kiss, but this is, like.. not just a kiss. hazel's kisses are brief. gentle, maybe a little slow. never this deep. hazel callahan who forgets herself when her fingers weave through your hair. hazel callahan who doesn't recognize the way her breath shakes in your throat when your fingers ambitiously sift through her thick, black locks and pull.

hazel callahan whose lips slot over yours, and unlock. who leans forward when you lean back, and is almost nearly on top of you.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who doesn't know what to do with her hand, so she puts it everywhere. glides it over your side, presses it over the expanse of your lower back. who smooths her hand under your shirt and marvels in the way your skin burns against her palm. who itches to explore, traversing over your stomach, venturing up, up, and up--

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who stops dead in her tracks when you hum something sour in her mouth and grab her wrist. who looks at you stunned with parted lips as you softly shake your head against hers.

"not yet," you pant, opening your eyes to look at her. "not yet."

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who bats her lashes, dizzy with affection yet sobered from your action. she knows how you sound. not like you're rejecting her, but like you're admitting something, which you.. might be. something that she understands. regardless, she understands.

but she burns bright with embarrassment, stomach rattling with a guilt that crawls up her throat and wraps around it, tightening and tightening...

"yeah," she manages a whispers after a while. somehow, it's still raspy. "yeah, okay.."

"okay.."

"...m'sorry--"

"don't be," you shake your head. "keep kissing me."

you rush, and it's kind of just in time. whatever stinging was lingering in her chest subsides as you bring yourself closer, lips softly capturing her lower lip in affirmation after hazel just stares at you.

hazel callahan who blinks, oscillating between consciences, dazed and a little confused. she's cautious and readjusted, her hand only lingering over your side as she whispers a faint "are you sure..?"

the sentence dissolves when on the tip of hazel's tongue when her lips find yours again, at your action, which is her answer. hazel callahan who listens. who lets you take her hand and place it somewhere that feels more comfortable, somewhere that's right and yet still sensual.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who is wiped, but intentional with every kiss that either you or her leads, every swipe of her lips over your jaw, every tender kiss that you let her place against the stretch of your neck.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who will admire within her bounds. kissing you, and drowning in you until she is simply too sleepy to continue. until she is dizzy and feels comfortable enough to nuzzle her face somewhere into the crook of you, breathing you in until you become a part of her dreams,

and she will wake -- in the morning, and in the middle of the night -- only to have a hard time believing that she isn't still dreaming.

...

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who kind of has to get used to.. all of it. who crushes, even though she's already "achieved," so to speak. who grins at her phone when she's texted, who finds any excuse to facetime you and keep you on the line -- sometimes just so that she can look at you. who finds any excuse to be around you.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who you can't get rid of once you go both go to college. who facetimes you whenever, who visits you on weekends. who comes into your space and steals all of your sweatshirts and your pajama pants and of course, all of your spare time.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel "no, i can make that for you" callahan who can't embroider, but can crochet. she will buy you that jellycat that you really want, a hundred percent. hazel callahan will also greet you with a fucked up rendition of said stuffed animal that you wanted (giving jamdog, perhaps) and furrows her eyebrows when you have to hide your laugh with your hand.

"what?" she asks, grin dulling only for a moment. "do you not like it?"

"no it's--" you cover your mouth. "it's perfect." you cackle. when you cup her cheeks, all the worry and fear of judgement fades. sort of. at least enough. "you're perfect, babe. i love it."

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who does, in fact, keep a picture in her wallet of her lover, ready at all times. hazel callahan who weaves her lover into casual conversation.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who still doesn't really understand figure of speech all that well so when you say things like "i wish you could just come over," she literally goes "..well like, i could,"

and then proceeds to make like, a three hour drive.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who keeps the picture that you hate of yourself as her lockscreen and it's not to spite you, it's because she thinks you're beautiful, and she has no idea what you're talking about.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who figures out what names you like to be called by throwing everything at a wall and seeing that sticks. pretty. handsome. lover. angel. baby. and when she does find one, one that makes you blush just about as hard as she does every time you even look in her direction, she holds it over your head to high heavens. makes it your contact name. uses it to punctuate reassuring sentences, when she greets you, when she tells you goodnight.

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who gets to take you on real dates, and gets excited to. who gets giddy when you get ready. who gets to fix your hair and come up behind you when you take mirror selfies once you're finished. who now feels comfortable enough to place her hands at the mid-point of your waist and let them venture toward your frontside while she rests her chin on your shoulder, and leans in to kiss your cheek. who tells you you smell nice, and makes you smile when she buries her face into some part of you and literally just goes rahhhh!!!!

ღ*♡∞:｡.｡ hazel callahan who is also stuck sometimes, in moment such as these, watching the wonder who she has had a crush on since high school -- jesus, has it really been that long? -- with gentle eyes and a completely disarmed disposition.

hazel callahan who is honestly such a fucking loser -- like, literally, loser-since-birth, no-hope-since-middle-school, gay-haircut-and-new-repotoire-can't-save-you, loser, and can't help but ponder and marvel over how someone like you is in her hands. in her face. in her life.

"m'not that pretty," you insist, fingers weaving through her hair, nails etching at hazel's scalp in a way that hazel has grown to like. love, even.

her eyes flicker over your face, smile lopsided and eyes heavy like despite everything, you don't even know the half of it. she scoffs, voice hardly above a whisper,

"yeah no, you are so much more than pretty."

#hazel callahan x reader #hazel callahan #lesbian #wlw #bisexual #sapphic #ruby cruz #ruby cruz x reader #bottoms movie #bottoms 2023 #lets go lesbians

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wen-kexing-apologist · 1 year ago

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What was the best scene in this OF ep and why was it Sand and Nick attempting to hook up, realizing they don’t like each other like that, having a good laugh and then settling in to cuddle for the night?

BESTIE, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO RIGHT ALL THE TIME?!

Hands down, no holds barred, the best scene in this entire episode, and possibly one of my favorites in Only Friends and, dare I say, BL ever was Sand and Nick attempting to hook up, realizing they don't like each other like that, having a good laugh, and then settling in to cuddle for the night.

CAUSE IT'S

FUCKING

QUEER

Far far too often in shows, BL or otherwise, there really is no attempts at showing different forms of platonic love, especially between men. It's part of what I really loved about New Girl actually was the very loving, comfortable, affectionate, and extremely platonic love between Nick and Schmidt.

Here though, I think there is frequently this perception that if people are friends with the gender they are attracted to, that they will inevitably give in to desire and fall in love or whatever (this is extremely common in hetero relationships to be sure) but that isn't the case, and it doesn't have to be the case, and we really should be showing people that it is a-o-fucking-kay for boys to platonically love each other.

My best friend and I are extremely queer platonic, and without a doubt the majority of the people that have seen us interact inevitably end up asking if we are dating, had crushes on each other, etc. and it truly can take a significant chunk of time to try to convince them we aren't lying. We cuddle, and kiss eachother on the forehead, and hold hands, and I love them but not romantically, and the same goes for them.

And the same can and should go for Nick and Sand. I love their loser friendship, I love that they were like "hey let's try it", I love that they realized that the care they have for each other was platonic, but that the care exists, and that they cuddled in bed because you can give physical affection to people you love without it being romantic or sexually charged. I love that the awkwardness of kissing your friend lasted like ten seconds and then they were like "yeah, it's cool let's be physically affectionate with one another assured in how we see our friendship"

And so too, in a show like Only Friends where you have so many hook ups happening, or any show where you have a romance, it can be really interesting and important to show people try to be physically intimate, and to have there be no sexual tension within it so that you can establish with even greater sincerity and believability a romantic pairs' attraction to one another.

With every episode of Only Friends that comes out, I keep thinking about that ask that @absolutebl got about why people were excited for this messy, toxic show when they hated other messy, toxic shows (like TharnType), and how much of that answer revolves around the trust we have for Jojo as a queer man in depicting actual queer male experiences. I will forever be grateful to Jojo and co for giving us this scene, and now I shall sit here and wait patiently to praise whatever show gives me gays all platonically making out with each other in the club.

(and putting all the rest of that aside, let's be real, these boys have been put through the fucking wringer with their boys of choice and they deserve a little laughter).

#only friends #ofts #only friends the series #mark pakin #first kanaphan #firstmark #sandnick #JOJO WAS SO CORRECT WHEN HE SAID “I LOVE THEIR LOSER FRIENDSHIP”

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letters-to-lgbt-kids · 1 month ago

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(Content “warning”, of sorts: unlike most of my posts, this isn’t intended as positivity or advice, it’s just a stream-of-consciousness piece of writing that I wanted to share)

My dear lgbt+ kids,

Every now and then, I receive a message like “Share this with your 5 favorite bloggers and ask them to share 5 fun facts about themselves” or get tagged in a post like “Share your favorite movie, song and book, and then tag your friends to do the same”. I read them, I smile and appreciate feeling included in those little games, and I log off without replying - and then I turn around and go „Oh, yeah, I guess I run a somewhat popular blog but people don’t really care about me, you know? I just, like, monologue to people about stuff and sometimes they read it but I as a person do not matter to anyone. I could be replaced by some robot and nobody would notice or even care.”

As I’m typing this, I think that I could try to turn this into some general positivity and/or advice: on how people with a low self-esteem tend to dismiss signals that other people think highly of them, or on how small „meaningless“ connections like some random internet stranger just thinking of you while forwarding a chain message aren’t so small or meaningless at all, or maybe on how “lonely” can sometimes become a self-identity that stands in our way of connecting to others.

Or I could talk about how part of the reason I just briefly smile at these messages but do not reply to them is the (re-) emergence of the queerphobic, false rhetoric that “queer adults are much more likely to be pedophiles, so all of them should be treated like suspects at all times“ (statistically not true, btw, but since when do people care about facts when they could just share inflammatory lies?) and all the ways it makes it hard to be a queer content creator with a young audience (and also to just be a queer human being at this point). And how even typing this makes me worry someone will twist all this into me asking minors for comfort and if maybe I should rephrase it, and now I’m thinking how this need to constantly self-censor ourselves fucks with our mental health and contributes to the loneliness epidemic among queer men. But this is getting too heavy and I’m running out of space in this letter.

Yeah, I could write about any of these things now. I could monologue about it and someone would read it and they might even comment “good point OP” and I would read that and smile. And for a brief moment, we would connect. The same way two strangers connect when one lets the other cut in line at the supermarket and the other says thankyou and they never even look at each other and this small moment will be forgotten in no time but for a brief second it made the world a touch kinder, and it means nothing and it means everything.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

#lgbt #lgbt+

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months ago

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I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?

no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)

i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:

THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.

ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent

so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.

but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.

the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.

so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.

what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.

i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.

and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this

i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)

tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"

as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!

#i really dont think it's conscious behavior! not at the source anyway!#howdy Has to be soooooo so so deep in denial. he's gotta have five layers of repression there's no other explanation #howdy 'ill keep all of my feelings right here and then one day ill die' pillar #homebogging #wh speculation #welcome home speculation #it Would be the funniest outcome #if he really is like. deeply in love with barn but doesn't even realize it himself despite like. how goddamn obvious it is #ALL THE SIGNS POINT TO HIM BEING REPRESSED AND INTERNALIZED TO HIGH HELL AND BACK.#and being a caterpillar is like. symbolic to being open and accepting of yourself #< now im probably reaching However. The Symbolism Is There. intentionally or no #hence why barn is a caterpillar while everyone else is a butterfly #(hiya is on thin ice since her ref shows her as a caterpillar but the hullabaloo record art gives her wings)#latter is true to himself and open / out : butterfly #howdy is so deep in the closet that he's fighting wars for a lion : caterpillar #anyway so howdy. why do latter and eddie make you so defensive howdy #hm. hm. hm.#OH! AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN HOW HE ACTS AROUND FRANK YET! ohhhh that would be fascinating...#just One direct interaction between them could be So telling

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eternalbuckley · 1 year ago

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My heart chose you. - evan buckley

SUMMARY: Look at this wonderful request.

word count: 3,311

genre: fluff, comfort | gn!reader, queer!reader, bipoc!reader and plus-size!reader friendly

warnings: a tiny bit of angst, sexual comments about reader + explicit language, cat calling (once?), disgusting men, use of y/n a few times, buck is readers first boyfriend/kiss/etc., established relationship, slight description of how buck met readers parents for the first time, readers mum accuses buck of only using reader, mention of alcohol, use of pet names (babe, darling, [my] love), insecure buck, mention of thunderstorms, english is not my first language, hardly proofread — if i forgot something, please let me know!

a/n: Thank you for this awesome request! I had so much fun writing it and I hope everything fits perfectly. This is the first request I’ve ever done and I hope you all will like it as well!! Happy reading 🫶

disclaimer: please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work or post this anywhere without my consent. do not translate my work and post it anywhere — i give you no permission to do that. i only post my stories here, so if you find my work anywhere else please let me know! reblogs, likes and comments are appreciated and welcomed!

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The topic 'love' was never an easy one for you. You were sure you never even felt what real love felt like, you always ran away from it whenever you felt it would start to get too intimate with possible partners. You weren’t even sure if you ever loved anyone, maybe you had crushes before but not too deep. Sure, you had a few people you texted with before but it wasn’t just it. You never got to the point to go on a proper date with them. The reason why you ran away were your parents. It was always hard for you while you still lived with them. You had to listen to their constant arguments about every tiny bit they weren’t on the same page with their opinions. You spent a lot of time in your room and tried to ignore their voices. You were scared that you could end up the same way with your partner.

That was until you met the infamous Evan 'Buck' Buckley. He immediately stole your heart the first time you saw his smile directed towards you. Buck and you met through your mutual friend, Eddie. You knew Eddie through Shannon. You wouldn’t say you were really close but you were close enough that he invited you to one of the dinners at Athena's house with the whole 118 and her family. That‘s where you also met Buck within everyone else that is important to him.

Buck and you didn’t talk for the first few hours, only sending each other a few glances. Until he approached you with the smile you fell for. He made you laugh and he liked your laugh. The chemistry was there between you. You just wouldn’t have expected to fall for him. The more you got to know him in the following months, the more you fell for him without realizing it.

Once he asked you out on an official date, things worked out well for you. From opening up to him and trusting him with the things that matter to you the most up to having your first kiss with him. You didn’t want to run away anymore, you wanted to stay. To stay with Buck and he felt the same about you. He deeply cared for you even way before you officially started to be in a relationship or officially dated. Buck wanted to make you as happy and comfortable as you‘d ever feel. He fully understood your way of life and why you ran away from love. And he understood how it was to have struggles with your parents, that‘s why you both knew how to comfort each other even more.

You understood each other. Everyone who would see and watch you would immediately notice the love that was lingering between you. You knew each other so well and knew what the other one needed. It felt like you were in sync with each other. The whole 118 admired both of you and once you and Buck announced that you two were together, they supported you both. Secretly they already knew but wanted you to officially say it out loud.

Of course, this relationship came with a few insecurities. You were scared you‘d do things wrong since it was your first relationship and Buck not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. But neither of these happened. Buck was excited to be your every first. From your first proper date, first kiss, and everything else. You were strong together. Especially once you moved in with him.

Two years later, the big day was there. Buck wanted to propose to you. Trying to plan it perfectly. He asked Bobby and Athena to help to pick out the perfect ring for you, the price didn’t matter to him. And he knew it wouldn’t matter to you as well, as you‘d even take a sugar ring. You made a few jokes before about it, the first time you did Buck realized he definitely wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He couldn’t imagine his future without you. You were the love of his life. And he was yours.

The moment he was kneeling in front of you with a box, you knew what would happen. You already knew your answer. You could never say no to Buck. Over the years you were together with Buck, your insecurities and fears of having a relationship like your parents had washed away. You even were ready to marry, as long as it was Buck that would stand at the altar with you.

The whole scenery was perfectly decorated, just like how you liked it. After all, Buck knew you and seeing how you admired everything, made him proud of himself. And happy as well. After he asked you, "Do you want to marry me, my love? And spend the rest of your life with someone like me?" You didn’t answer him and just fell down on your knees to kiss him. He immediately realized what it meant and the biggest smile appeared on his lips. Tears built up in both of your eyes and after he put on the ring on your finger you shared many more kisses and laughter.

"You‘re unbelievable, Buck." You whispered against his lips.

"I love you."

A few weeks later you announced your engagement to the rest of the 118, who of course supported you. After you found out that Bobby and Athena helped Buck to pick out the ring, it meant even more to you and made you more emotional. You knew how much they both meant to Buck and you were so happy that Buck has found his family. Maddie seemed to be the most excited one in the whole group. She always had the fear Buck would never find the perfect match for him until she met you and immediately knew how happy you made him. You got along with her very well and you were already planning to ask her to be your bridesmaid. You just didn’t know when to ask her but there will still be enough time to figure that out.

Telling your parents about the engagement was not the easiest part on the other hand. They were not very fond of Buck himself. Especially your mother. The first time they met him they were distant, your father not that much though. Your father just warned Buck about him leaving and hurting you. Or else it wouldn’t be pretty for Buck. That was everything your father said about it. Your mother on the other hand openly told Buck that she already knew that he would leave her soon anyways as soon as he slept with you. You defended him but it was useless against her. Everything she said had to be right, she would never say anything wrong. Even though her ‚prediction' never came true.

They tried to show their happiness but you knew it was hard for them. You didn’t even want to imagine them at your wedding, especially since they weren’t able to stay in the same room for five minutes without fighting. You weren’t sure if you wanted them to be at your wedding anyways.

————

"Babe, have you already checked the e-mails?" Buck shouted from the kitchen table.

He was currently on his laptop while you were getting ready for dinner at Eddie's house. You haven’t seen him and Chris for a few days now and Buck already told you how Eddie would tell him the whole time about how much Chris misses you.

"I haven’t. Is there anything in for me?" You fixed the clothes you were wearing and came down the stairs. You both shared your mail app on the laptop.

Buck looked up and admired you. You were breathtaking.

"Don‘t stare," you chuckled and slightly swatted his arm while passing him to get a glass of water.

"I can’t resist, darling. You‘re too beautiful you know that," he smiled and looked back at his laptop. "There‘s just this one here for you."

You got over to him and leaned against his side to look at the e-Mail. While you were reading it Buck started to play with your fingers. It was an invitation from one of your old classmates in college, people you didn’t really want to meet again in your life. It was not like you disliked them but you were at a whole different point in your life than you used to be in college.

"Just delete it," you told him while he still played with your fingers.

He looked up to you but your eyes were glued on the screen. "You sure?"

You sighed. "I don’t know if I want that, Buck."

Buck pulled you into his lap and you leaned your head against his shoulder. "It’s okay. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, you know that?" He tried to reassure you. You just nodded your head and didn’t say more.

At the same very evening, you told him you‘d decided to go to this party with your old classmates. He asked you if he should come with you but you told him he didn’t have to. Buck wasn’t feeling good about that, he was worried. He saw how unsure you were about going to this party earlier that day. He didn’t say anything more but he knew he would go with you anyways. He didn’t want to let you go there alone.

Two days later he was standing in the hallway, waiting for you. He hasn’t told you yet that he was going with you but you already assumed it would lead to it. And you didn’t mind, instead, you were happy that he didn’t listen to you this time. He smiled at you when you came down the stairs, looking beautiful like always.

"What are you doing?" You asked him after you took his hand, which he had extended to you.

He smiled at you. "I‘m going with you to that college party."

You smiled back at him and kissed his cheek. "I love you so much."

He held your hand the entire time while you walked down to his jeep. The car drive was quiet but nothing you or Buck had to be worried about. Once you got into the location you were greeted by two of your old roommates that were already a bit tipsy from the alcohol. They offered you and Buck a glass but you both declined. You were not in the exact mood to drink and Buck had to drive.

Both girls were already swooning over Buck and asked you many questions about him. Who he was, how you met and if you‘re together. Once they discovered the ring you were wearing, they hugged you happily. And maybe they let out a few screams. You laughed at their reactions. Buck in the meanwhile was watching you from a few feet away. It already has been two hours since you two were there and he was happy to see you feeling more comfortable than you used to be in the beginning.

A guy came up to him, smelling like alcohol but only because someone else threw a glass on him on accident. "How di’ you do it mate?"

"What do you mean?" Buck was confused.

The guy nodded in your direction, in that exact moment you were talking to the two girls from earlier. "Them. How did you get them out of their zone? D‘you have superpowers or somethin‘." He laughed but Buck didn’t know what he meant.

The guy noticed the confused look on Buck's face and sighed. "The whole time in college I tried to gain the attention of Y/N but nothing. Nothing ever happened. I mean… Look at them. They‘re fuckin‘ hot as ever and all the things you‘re able to do with them. Things no one ever had the chance to do in college, man. Even the others had no chance. The guys call you the superhero, bro. You‘re a legend for having them in your bed."

Buck slowly nodded his head and looked back at you. He now questioned why you chose him if you apparently could have anyone. Sure, he knew your whole story but how did he get to be the lucky one and get to experience the love you had within you? But on the other hand, the words of this disgusting guy next to him made him stiffen his body and Buck got angry about how this guy talked about you.

"Kind of disappointing that I‘m not the lucky one and chose you instead though. They‘re probably so good in bed, huh? Wish I could have the chance to experience tha-" The guy mentioned and immediately held up his hands after Buck quickly looked at him, not pleased, "Hey come on, man! I was just joking." He didn’t even finish his first sentence.

Buck knew it wasn’t just some sort of joke but he didn’t want to cause any drama and let this guy go back to his friends. Now it was Buck who didn’t feel very comfortable, knowing he probably has the attention of all the guys that were standing a few meters away from him.

A few moments later you approached him with a big smile but that quickly vanished once you noticed his stiffness and stern look on his face.

"Babe, is something wrong?" You carefully caressed his cheek and looked at him. You were worried.

"Don’t worry about me, enjoy your time, love."

You shook your head. "I wanted to go home anyways but what happened? Did someone say something to you?"

His eyes wandered to some of the guys that were standing at the bar and you knew who they were and sighed. You took his hand and were ready to leave.

"Ignore them. They’re assholes. In college, they wanted to get in bed with everyone including me. But I never gave them any attention and they despised that," you mentioned.

"Hey Y/N!" One of the guys called over and waved at you. Which caused you to roll your eyes.

Even after all these years, they were still behaving like children. They never grow up and you don’t want to know how many people they tried to hook up with.

"One of them still wants you."

You quickly looked over to the guys that were still kind of looking over to you and Buck. "Let me guess.. A bit taller than you? Brown eyes and a buzz cut that looks weird on him?" You looked back to your boyfriend and disgust was written in your face.

Buck nodded his head. "Yeah. He told me about the fantasies he has about you." He looked angrily to him.

"That‘s Connor. The biggest jerk I‘ve ever met," you took his hand, "Let‘s get out of here. I can’t fucking stand them. They’re still as horrible as they used to be." You walked out with him.

You still held his hand while you were walking over the Bucks jeep. "Back in college they always tried to get me in bed, after a while they started to place bets on who would be the first one to win me over," you sighed, "Especially Connor."

Buck sighed and nodded his head and went in to hug you after you got to his jeep. You immediately hugged him back and kissed his cheek. Both of his arms were strongly around you, signaling he really needs this hug in that moment. After a few moments, he let go of you.

"Let‘s get away from here." You both said at the same time and ended up chuckling.

You both got into Bucks jeep and immediately drove home. Back home you both changed into your pajamas and got into your bed. You both didn’t talk about the encounter again but it didn’t leave Buck's mind at all. Even after you already fell asleep, he was still wide awake. Connor's words didn’t leave his thoughts. Buck was thinking about why you chose him. Out of all the people that live on earth, why him? How was he the luckiest person to have you?

It was already 3 am and Buck was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t even realize it started thundering. He only did when you cuddled into his arms - you always did that while thunderstorms because you felt the safest in his arms.

"Buck…?" You mumbled, still sleepy, "Why are you awake?" You yawned.

He kissed the side of your head while you snuggled into him even more. "I‘m fine don’t worry about me. Go back to sleep, babe." He whispered, hoping you‘d fall asleep again.

"Something is on your mind. I can tell," you noticed the sternness in his voice even when you were sleepy. That only awakened you more.

He sighed and put his arms around you. "I‘m just thinking about some unnecessary things."

"Nothing is unnecessary. Tell me what‘s on your mind. Is it still from the party?"

Buck shook his head, "Not really. I just.." He hesitated, "Wanted to ask you something."

You turned around to turn on the lamp on your nightstand, "What is it?" You looked at him, the light wasn’t very bright but you still were able to see his thoughtful face.

"Why me?"

You raised your eyebrows. "What do you mean, Buck?"

He looked into your eyes. "Why did you choose me? Out of all the people, why me? Am I that special?" Buck was feeling insecure.

You snuggled up to him again and kissed his arm. "Because it was my heart that chose you above everyone else." You intertwined your fingers.

"I love you, Buck. I fell in love with the person you are. The first time we met at Athena's place and the very moment you looked over to me with your wonderful smile I just knew I had to get to know you," You smiled at him which he returned, "I guess I just knew you would mean a lot to me and you absolutely do. I‘ve never felt so comfortable and seen like I do with you. Getting to know you and slowly building a friendship and not realizing that I was falling for you created the relationship we have today and will have in the future. I couldn’t be happier. You understood me, no one ever did that before and you were always there for me, Buck. My heart is completely filled with you and will always be yours. I don’t care about what anyone else ever said about you or will say, you‘ll always have my heart in your hands."

Buck had tears in his eyes and pulled you to him to kiss you deeply. You kissed him back and smiled against his lips. His hands were on your cheeks and he kissed you multiple times.

"You‘re perfect, did I ever tell you that?" He looked into your eyes again, his hands were still on your cheeks.

You pretended to think about it but smirked. "Hmm… Only a few times?"

He chuckled and kissed you again. You both got back into a comfortable position and snuggled against each other.

"I just noticed that I never thanked Eddie for basically dragging me to the dinner at Athena’s place." You whispered after a few minutes and chuckled, "We should do that. Without him, I probably would have never met the love of my life."

Buck chuckled and kissed the side of your head. "We definitely should thank him. Guess he‘s the best accidental matchmaker to exist."

You giggled and instead of sleeping Buck and you ended up talking a bit more until you happily fell asleep in each other’s arms.

He truly was your safe place and you were his. It were you and him against the world.

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archangeldyke-all · 9 months ago

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can you write something about amab ceo sev and her trans identity and story, i love ceo sev sm she has my whole heart

yeah lets do it!

quick disclaimer! i'm cis, so if there's any mistakes/missteps lmk and i will fix it asap!

men and minors dni

i imagine sevika as one of those people who's just always known who they are. not just in terms of queerness, but like, just opinions and taste and personality in general.

so i think when she was a kid, she likely knew she was trans, just like she knew she liked women. she might not have had the vocabulary to name it, or known that other people feel it, but she never questioned it about herself specifically.

i dont think she would've told anyone, though.

sevika's incredibly perceptive-- she would have known, even as a kid, how talking about the different feelings she was having could upset people, or get her in trouble.

she found the words for what she'd always known to be true about herself when she was an early teenager. sevika's a big reader, and she was one of those kids who wants to know how everything works: from machines to nature to politics to society-- she'd stumble across the complexities of gender identity earlier than most kids do.

but again, she didn't tell anyone. sevika's no stranger to how horrible people can be-- she didn't want to give anybody an extra reason to fuck with her. instead, she just kept to herself, finding comfort in reading as many books and articles on queerness and transness that she could get her hands on.

she understood early on what she was up against, being a trans, gay, brown/black woman in this society. but she never let it deter her.

the second she turned fifteen she got a job as a busser at a restaurant in her town. she saved every penny-- and she worked all the time. besides the occasional pack of gum and pair of socks, the only thing sevika ever bought in was a junker of a car from her neighbor-- only $500.

she repaired it on her own during her free time. (of which, there was hardly any.)

the second she turned eighteen, sevika packed up her belongings in the backseat of her car and left her hometown never to return. it was now that she could finally start living her truth.

with her saving she managed to get an apartment to lease for a few months while she scrambled for a job. for a while, she was bouncing from security job to security job, but then she managed to snag a stable position as a saleswoman.

with her new job she got benefits. a 401k and healthcare.

she started going to therapy at, like, 20. again-- sevika's incredibly self aware. she was laying in bed staring at the ceiling once night, and she just thought to herself 'huh, you know, i've kinda been through a lot. i'm kinda going through a lot. i should... probably go to therapy.' and then she just did.

it took her a few tries to find a good therapist, but then she met a four foot tall little old lady who looked like mrs. clause but cursed like a sailor. sevika fell in love the moment they met.

mrs. clause-- or dr. walsh-- was a no-nonsense, no-bullshit kind of lady. each time sevika would try to downplay her achievements or doubt herself, dr. walsh would throw a crumbled postit at her face and rant-encourage-remind sevika about her strength and bravery.

with dr. walsh's help, sevika started to see her future as something that could be... positive. she'd been so focused on escaping the past, she forgot she could look forward. but once she did-- she was exhilarated.

it was definetly an, 'oh, shit, i can do anything i fucking want' moment for her.

she knew that she had it in her to do it-- she'd proven it to herself time and time again-- now she just had to decide what she wanted to do.

it took her a while, a lot of research and soul searching, but by the time she was 22 she started to socially transition.

her hair'd always been long, but she finally treated herself to a visit to a salon-- getting it styled in the perfect slightly slanted bob she'd always wanted. she made a promise to herself in the parking lot that she'd never cut her own hair again, she was so fucking thrilled with the experience and the outcome. (her stylist was a huge gossip-- spent the entire time telling sevika about her sister's sex life. sevika had a blast)

she started treating herself to more clothes. custom tailored suits for the office-- blouses and button ups and fun silky ties for underneath.

(all the while, she was effortlessly climbing the ranks at work. despite the horrible office culture in a competitive environment like sales-- money talks. and sevika was outselling all her co-workers.)

she found the name 'sevika' one day completely randomly. she hadn't really given changing her name any thought until her eyes glanced over the name in contact screen of a stranger's phone-- but she couldn't get the sound of it out of her head.

at 25, sevika started to medically transition. with a lot of research, both on her and dr. walsh's end-- she started estrogen.

she was thrilled. she knew changes couldn't be seen on a day to day basis-- but she swore every day she woke up looking and feeling more and more like her.

always a gym rat-- sevika's muscular frame started to carry a little more curve.

she smiled for a full six hours the first time she noticed her ass jiggling in the full length mirrors at the gym as she did burpies.

sevika was no stranger to eyeliner having gone through a bit of an emo phase as a kid-- but beyond that she found the sensory feeling of makeup unbearable.

but when she found out that there was such a thing as tattoo-able makeup-- you bet your ass she made an appointment. it hurt like a bitch but it was worth it when she could have perfectly defined dark lips all throughout the day no matter how many coffee cups she sipped from or chicken burritos she sank her teeth into.

at work, sevika had worked her way up so high the ranks that nobody dared to give her shit anymore. and when they did-- she just fired them.

she spent her late 20s dating around. she had a few girlfriends and a lot of flings, but nothing ever really worked for her. it did give her a shit-ton of confidence though.

the more herself she became-- both in her body and in her job and in her bed-- the bigger and brighter her future seemed.

this isn't to say she never had shitty days. she had plenty. some she journaled about, some she cried about, some she boxed about, some she called dr. walsh about. the worst ones she drank about-- though as she was growing up the hangovers were making this one less tolerable.

people are assholes. dysphoria is a fucking asshole. sevika's boss was an asshole. but when she felt close to drowning-- when she felt the grief and sadness and the self-destructive urges creep up-- she just closed her eyes and thought of herself at fourteen-- cooking up a plan to get as far away from home as she could. she imagines herself meeting teenage-sev, telling her all the things she'd come to do, (and all the girls she'd come to do, if you know what i mean, wink wink, nudge nudge) and she imagines how fuckin' proud little emo-acne-riddled-brace-face sevika would be of her.

it works every time.

on her thirtieth birthday, she bought herself a breast augmentation. she loved her tits-- but she just wanted a little more. she wanted to have to wear a bra under her silky button ups, instead of it being optional. but once she got them done she was so fucking thrilled she didn't want to wear a bra under her button ups. (she did, of course, because wasn't trying to cause an hr nightmare at work.)

when dr. walsh died-- sevika was devastated. there were a few months there where she was in complete depression. she made no attempt to find a new therapist-- she took as much paid time off from work as she could, just to sit around her house alone.

but then one night-- sevika swears on her life-- dr. walsh visited her in a dream with a message

'you better get your shit together girl! don't let all my hard work go to waste!'

sevika woke up the next morning laughing and crying, and she was back at work the next day.

she found a new therapist, and she forced herself to make new friends, suddenly aware that the only person in the world who knew her had died.

she started hanging out with some of her more tolerable co-workers, and she was shocked to realize that most of them were... actually pretty cool.

she started taking herself out to dinner-- just her and a book-- just so she could spend more time with herself.

she made it a point to take a vacation once every six months.

and when the ceo of her company stepped down, she was riding on a high. she was feeling good about life, so she decided: fuck it.

and she applied for the open position.

and then she got the job.

and at thirty five, sevika finally felt like she was in her bright future-- not just working towards it.

the night before her first night on the job-- sevika's mind was racing.

there were so many changes she needed to make, so many ideas she had to implement in the company. not to mention the fact that she had to buy furniture for her new office, and find an assistant-- and a good assistant is really fucking hard to come by-- and was she sure she could really do this job in the first place? what if she made a mistake accepting it-- what if she can't handle it--

sevika cut her racing thoughts off, scrubbing her face. she took a second to breathe, then she conjured up little-sev in her mind to give her an update and get a pep talk.

who the fuck are you? little teenage sevika asked, huffing as she had to shove her headphones off her ears.

'i'm you, jackass.'

...woah. we look... hot...

'duh.'

how did that happen?

'moved away, worked hard, got lucky, got rich.' sevika says, watching her younger self's eyebrows rise.

shit... look at our tits!

'i know-- they're great, right?'

fuck yeah. well... whaddya want?

'wanted to tell you we just got promoted to ceo.'

...really?

'yeah. we start tomorrow.'

...us?

'yeah. we're like... kind of a big deal now.'

...woah.

'yeah woah.'

then, just as she's about to drift off to sleep, sevika's mind speaks again.

...soooo... have we met our wife yet?

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @ellabslut @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby

#hehehe *enter reader*#sevika #sevika imagine #sevika arcane #sevika x reader #sevika x you #soft sevika

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alwaysonthemend · 10 months ago

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Author’s Note: Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s a little Josh fic for you all. Just as an aside, this fic follows the reader after she’s just gotten out of a past relationship that ended badly. I used gender neutral pronouns and words for her ex and Josh is also written as being queer in this fic. I wanted to make this as inclusive an experience as possible for my readers so that is why I chose to use gender neutral language for her ex-partner. And obviously, Josh has never given us a specific label for himself and so I didn’t want to assume anything about him by doing so myself but I do write that he’s had past relationships with both men and women – but I am in no way claiming to know his dating life or how he identifies. I hope you all enjoy and happy Valentine’s Day to each of you <3

Warnings: Smut (p in v sex, unprotected sex), oral (f. receiving), fingering, pleasuredom!Josh, discussions of infidelity (past relationship - not between reader and Josh), slight panic attack (nothing major), feelings of body insecurity, parties, drinking. 18 Only. Minors DNI

Word Count: 5k

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Fuck them was all you really had left to say. In all honesty… there wasn’t much to say at this point. You’d given them 3 years of your life – 3 years spent crafting a future around a person who, in the end, hadn’t cared enough to do the same for you. You’d been with them for 3 whole years, had spent hours and hours of time with them, loved them at their best and their worst, comforted them when they needed it, been their shoulder to cry on, celebrated their achievements, and loved them with your whole heart for those entire 3 years. And how had they repaid you in the end? By climbing into bed with someone else. A quick fuck with a stranger that they met at a bar was apparently worth more than the 3 years that you had spent loving them the way that you had. It’s crazy how even after all that time you can still find out that you hardly even knew a person at all.

And now here you are the day before Valentine's Day eating ice cream and watching The Office reruns on your couch to try and keep from actually thinking about the hurt you have in your heart. You’ve cried all the tears you have and now you’re just left with a hollowness that you can’t seem to shake. There’s a hole in your heart where all that love for them used to be and now you’re stuck in this weird limbo between heartbroken and downright furious.

Ping!You glance down to where your phone screen has lit up with a text message. You pick it up and immediately sigh at the message that waits for you.

Danny 9:08 PM

Please tell me you’re still going to come to the party tomorrow night

You hadn’t been planning on it. You’d thought since the very moment that Josh had brought up the idea of a Valentine’s Day party that it was borderline ridiculous. But you had agreed to go simply because your partn- your ex had said that they wanted to go. But now that they weren’t in the picture anymore… the thought of going to a party where everyone is going to be hanging off the arms of their partners and, as Josh had put it, love is gonna be in the air! makes you want to scream. Hell no. Fuck no, even.

You 9:09 PM

Don’t think so. Not really in the Valentine’s Day mood to be honest.

It takes hardly even a minute before Danny answers you back.

Danny 9:10 PM

Totally fair

Danny 9:12 PM

There’s gonna be free booze tho… And you’ve gotta stop rotting away on your couch eventually

You pause for a moment before answering. He’s right to be completely honest. You’ve spent two weeks holed up in your apartment and wallowing in self-pity after your breakup. And honestly it’s starting to get a little old. But a Valentine’s Day party? You’re not sure that that is going to be the best break from your self-imposed lock down. But on the other hand… free booze does make the whole idea just a little bit more appealing. Plus, it’d be a great excuse to get dressed up and feel sexy for a night and have it be just for you and not for anyone else. And you haven’t actually gotten to see Danny and the rest of the guys a whole lot recently thanks to their busy schedules.

You sigh once again before texting Danny back in defeat.

You 9:15 PM

Fine

♡︵‿♡︵‿♡‿︵♡‿︵♡

Any and all excitement that you had the night before is entirely gone by the time you step through the doorway of Josh’s incredibly color-coordinated home. You’d felt sexy in your outfit as you’d stepped out of your apartment but the loud music and even louder people make you want to turn heel and run in the opposite direction. But you’re here now so you figure you might as well enjoy the free booze. You’d taken an Uber tonight solely so that you can get as drunk as you want without having to worry about driving back to your apartment.

“Y/n!”

Danny comes bounding over to you, crushing you in a hug that steals your breath away. You squeeze him back and giggle softly.

“You smell like beer.” You scold him, wrinkling your nose in mock disgust.

Danny smiles and nudges your shoulder with his.

“And you don’t and that’s just not acceptable.”

With a comforting hand placed on your upper back, Danny leads you through the crowd of people into Josh’s kitchen where an array of bottles and stacks of red solo cups await you on the counter. And amidst it all, pouring himself another drink, is the host of this over-the-top Valentine’s Day party. He grins at you as you and Danny enter and you can’t help but to smile back.

“I didn’t think you were gonna make it out tonight!” Josh starts, throwing back a shot before turning his body to face the two of you fully.

You shrug and jab your thumb towards Danny who laughs lightly.

“I’m persuasive.” Is the only bit of explanation he gives.

“And annoying.” You mutter playfully as you walk over to the counter to survey the various choices in alcohol that lay before you. “Watcha makin?”

Josh’s attention drops back down to the drink that he’d been in the middle of pouring when you’d walked in.

“Tequila Sunrise.” He holds up the glass for you to see and you’re impressed with how nice the drink looks. “I’m no bartender but…”

You shake your head, eyeing the beautifully balanced red and orange colors in the glass.

“Nonsense. You know you’re good at mixing drinks. That looks great.”

A pink blush dusts the apples of his cheeks (the color of them making the white dots of his makeup stand out even more) and even the tips of his ears turn a shade darker at your compliment.

“I think you should try a sip before you praise me too much.” He extends his hand and holds the glass out to you. “For you. And if it sucks… Jake is the one who told me how to make it so blame him.”

You take the glass and sip the drink, closing your eyes and humming at the taste. Josh is watching you intently and you wonder briefly if he’s always been so damn attractive.

“And if it’s really good?” You question, taking another sip.

He puffs out his chest and grins.

“Why then it’s all me, of course.”

You can only shake your head at him but a smile spreads across your lips despite yourself.

“It’s really good, Josh. You have my stamp of approval.”

Your eyes meet Josh’s and those brown eyes of his glint with something that you can’t quite name before it’s gone in a flash. You drop your gaze to the drink in your hand and Josh looks towards Danny.

“Daniel, care for a drink?”

–

You’d spent the last hour or two milling about throughout the house, saying hi to friends and occasionally bumping into Josh who always smiles warmly at you in passing as he busies himself with being a cordial host.

And you’d had perhaps one too many drinks and the room is starting to spin by the time you collapse onto a sofa to take a breather. Danny had stuck by your side for a while before his date had arrived, at which point you’d latched yourself onto Sam until he decided to leave early with a girl he met. You’d gone searching for Jake but he’d been nowhere to be found. Likely, he’s already gone home. He’s never one to stick around at social gatherings this big for too long.

You try not to but your heart aches slightly that you’d been abandoned by Sam and Danny. You know that ‘abandoned’ is a strong word but… they knew you were freshly single and hurting. You had hoped that they would have been more willing to spend just a little extra time with you tonight. In fact, the longer you think about it, the more your hurt feelings begin to grow. You’re not angry with them. Not all. If you’re being honest with yourself, you envy them. They both had someone to spend the night with tonight. Jake, too.

You glance around and suddenly all you can see is other people with their partners. Holding hands, laughing, touching, kissing. Your breathing picks up. Does everyone here but you have someone? It sure freaking feels like it. Maybe it’s the alcohol making you have such a strong reaction but you’re suddenly desperate to get out of here. You need to get out of this place. You stand, the abrupt movement causing your head to spin a bit but you ignore it in favor of trying to find an escape. As you make your way through the throng of people it’s like navigating through a sea made of nothing but smiles and kisses that aren’t for you. Your eyes scan frantically until at last… there! The door to the back porch.

You push your way to it and open the door quickly and slam it shut behind you as you escape out onto Josh’s back porch. You pause there, bowing your head and taking a moment to try and steady your breathing. Your throat burns with unshed tears but you swallow them down – you refuse to shed any more tears over the person who treated you so horribly. You refuse to give them the satisfaction.

“Y/n?”

The sound of your name makes you jump and your eyes snap open to find Josh leaning against the bannister, his head turned back to look at you.

“Hi.” You answer him, willing your voice to sound more composed than you feel. “I didn’t see you out here.”

He smiles and beckons you over to him with a lazy wave.

“Just taking a break for a moment.” His voice carries a warmth that you hadn’t realized you needed as you come to lean on the bannister beside him. “You okay?” He keeps his face purposefully neutral but you can see the concern swirling in his eyes.

“Yeah. Just got a little overwhelming in there.”

He nods, the motion making an errant curl settle onto his forehead. Your hand itches to reach up and swipe it back into place.

“No Alex tonight?”

It’s an innocent question but your ex’s name sends your heart breaking all over again. You’re not even sure why you’re still so upset. Clearly they didn’t love you the way you had loved them and you want to say that you’ve moved on but…

“No. We’re not together anymore.”

“Oh.” Josh breathes out, his features melting into a look of pure sympathy. It makes you want to cry even more. “I’m sorry.”

You shrug.

“It’s okay, really. They fucked a stranger in our own bed so… I’d say it’s a good thing that we broke things off.”

Josh winces at the bitterness in your tone and looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t know what.

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m still so upset. It’s not like I love them anymore. Not really.” The alcohol in your systems seems to have loosened your tongue as you begin speaking again despite having no intentions of wanting to talk about them at all tonight.

“Anyone would be upset, Y/n. Alex betrayed your trust. Regardless of how you feel about them now… it’s still painful. That’s normal.”

You huff.

“It’s stupid. Stupid and tiring and-” You stop yourself and swallow thickly. “Sorry.”

Josh smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes all the way but it’s genuine.

“Don’t be. Trust me, I know how you feel. Once that trust is broken… it’s like you’re afraid you’ll never get it back again. With anyone.”

You turn to look at him but his face is pointed back out to the yard. As willing as Josh is to discuss matters like this with others, his own relationships he’s always been private about. He’s had a few relationships that you know of in the years that you’ve known him – some men, some women. You’d met only a handful of them in person but he’d never seemed to allow anyone in your little circle to actually get to know them other than Jake. You had no idea that maybe he’s gone through something similar.

“Sometimes I just… It feels like I’m never going to find my person. And all this-” You gesture towards the door and the Valentine’s Day festivities that lay beyond it, “just didn’t really help at all. It feels like everyone has someone but me.”

A warm, steadying hand lands on your shoulder and you swear that a tingle runs up the length of your spine at the touch. Josh’s eyes glitter in the light of the night sky and the porch light casts shadows across his sharp jawline. And as you look at him, it feels like you’re seeing him, really seeing him for the first time. And he’s beautiful.

“You’ll find your person, Y/n. I know you will. You’re too nice of a person to not.”

You can feel your cheeks grow hot.

“Thank you, Josh. That means a lot.”

“Of course.” He grins, dropping his hand from your shoulder at last. “That’s what friends are for, right? Helping each other out when we’re down?”

For some reason, his words make you pause. You and Josh have been friends for so long and you’d only ever seen him as a friend. But now, standing next to him and thinking back to all the years of kindness and laughter that he’s given you… you’re struck suddenly with the thought that maybe you don’t just want to be friends with him. You’ve always been able to acknowledge that he’s attractive. And he makes you laugh like no one else can. Always there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on. Hell, he’s been one of the only constants in your ever-changing life. And he’s-

You shake your head at yourself. He’s just a friend. He’d just said so himself.

“I wish more people were like you, Josh.” You find yourself saying softly. “You’re one of the good ones.”

He blushes – the apples of his cheeks flushing a dark red that reaches all the way down his neck too. Has he always blushed this much around you? First earlier when you’d complimented his drink making and now… Surely not. Right?

“You just have to be patient.” He tilts his head and grins, nudging your shoulder playfully with his. “And hey, if you can’t find someone else you can always give dating me a try.”

You don’t mean to but you laugh, perhaps a little harder than you should have. The idea has your heart pounding in your chest and you desperately don’t want him to see how much the joke affected you. A desperate wish that bleeds into regret as you watch the light in his eyes dim ever so slightly as you laugh.

You want to take it back. You want to tell him that maybe you’ve been blind this whole time and not seen what was right in front of you. But he only smiles tightly and straightens himself, popping his back and rolling his neck before beginning to turn away.

“I suppose I should get back inside. I’m being a terrible host by hiding out here.”

With that, he turns on his heel to begin walking back inside but his name explodes past your lips before you can stop it.

“Yeah?”

The hope in his voice makes your stomach drop.

“I-” You don’t know. You don’t know what to say. You don’t even know if these feelings are real. Have they been here this whole time, hiding under the surface? Or did it take you getting heartbroken by someone else to see the kindness that he’s been offering for years? There’s so many questions swirling through your head and you can’t seem to even form a full thought. Defeatedly, you shake your head. “Never mind. I’ll see you later.”

Josh stares at you for a long, tense moment before nodding his head.

“I’ll see you later, Y/n.”

You turn away before you see him leave but the sound of the back door shutting makes you wince. Should you have told him how you feel? Hell, you don’t understand how you’re feeling so you don’t even know what you would have told him anyway.

Regardless, you can’t shake the feeling that you’ve just made a mistake. You’ve spent years desperately wishing for true love. Dates with people had come and gone and Alex had just been the first person who seemed to want the same from a relationship as you. No one had expected you to date them. No one had expected the two of you to last as long as you did. And honestly? You hadn’t expected it either. Alex was… comfortable. Safe.

You’d been so caught up, so desperate to find love… and maybe it’s been right in front of you all along. He has been right in front of you. And you just let him walk away.

Frantically, you whirl around to go and find him but stop short at the sight of Josh shoving the door open and coming back outside. He looks frenzied but determined as he strides over to you. You’re frozen in place, but with each step that he takes you grow more and more certain about the warmth spreading through your chest. Yes, he really had been right here all along.

Josh stops. He’s so close that you can feel the warmth of his breath.

“Y/n.” His voice is soft – quiet but just as determined as his steps had been. “I couldn’t- I had to come back. I couldn’t not tell you.” He rambles, his dark eyes pinning you in place before him. “I know we’re just friends and- and I know that you don’t-”

“Josh,” you interrupt, “I love you too.”

“What?”

He’s utterly still, jaw dropped open and eyes gaping at you. If your heart wasn’t pounding so hard you think you might laugh at the sight of Josh Kiszka rendered speechless.

“I said I love you too. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before… but I do, Josh.”

His mouth remains open for a long moment and you think for one brief, horrible second that you’ve made a mistake and he doesn’t feel the same. But then his lips spread into a wide smile that makes your heart melt.

“You- you love me?”

You nod.

“And I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner.”

He huffs, the noise a mix between a sigh and a laugh before he takes a step even closer, his lips hovering just above yours. He pauses there, waiting. You give him a slight nod and then his lips are on yours – soft and pillowy and oh so warm against your own. With a soft whine, your hands find perchance on his shoulders while his palms settle on your cheeks, thumbs caressing your cheek bones. The heat of him is delicious and you use your grip on his shoulders to pull him in closer to you. He answers with a breathy moan into your mouth that sends liquid fire pooling between your legs.

“Y/n.” Your name escapes him with a sigh, his lips parting from yours for a moment to breathe. “I’ve dreamed of this.”

“Yeah?” You whisper, lips ghosting over his once again, just barely touching. “Just of kissing me?”

He catches his bottom lip between his teeth and shakes his head, curls bouncing.

“Much more than that.”

“Show me?”

Josh answers you with a Cheshire grin and turns his head to look over his shoulder at the party still going on inside.

“Think they’ll notice that I’m gone?”

“We can be quick.”

He shakes his head and grins but laces his fingers with yours and begins to tug you towards the door.

“No. We won’t.”

“You can’t just leave.” You start to protest but Josh silences you with a grin.

“They’ll take the hint and leave eventually. We’ll worry about cleaning up tomorrow.”

–

You barely notice the people as Josh leads you through them and none of them seem to notice the two of you as you both slip up the stairs. It feels like a dream as he tugs you through the threshold of his bedroom, shutting the door behind you with a soft ‘click.’

“So many dreams and so little time.” He murmurs, hands finding your hips and guiding you backwards until the backs of your thighs hit the bed.

Josh kisses you again before pulling back and letting the moment hold for a moment. You take in your surroundings. The soft, white bed sheets. The warm glow of the lamp in the corner and the smell of incense. The room screams Josh – cluttered but organized, comfy.

“But enough time,” Josh continues, palms sweeping down your sides, “that we can do as much or as little as you want tonight.”

Josh is selfless in everything else that he does and you can’t help but smile knowing that he's selfless in here too.

“I want you.” Is all your brain can manage to come up with.

But it does the trick given the way Josh’s eyes glitter with mischief as his fingers dance across your shoulders and hook underneath the straps of your dress.

“Can I take this off?”

You nod and he slides the fabric down, letting it pool around your ankles and leaving your bra and panties on display for him. You’d gone with black lace and based on the groan that rumbles in his chest, it was the right choice. Before undressing you further, Josh tugs his own shirt up and over his head and tosses it haphazardly to the floor. His khakis are next and you exhale shakily as you take in his smooth, creamy skin. His body is lithe and toned, muscles defined but still slim. There’s something effortlessly graceful about his body and you reach out a hand to feel him, a palm settling on his pec and the other hand grabbing his waist and squeezing.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” His words come out husky and a little gruff and your core pulses. “Bra off then on the bed.”

You comply, unhooking your bra and letting it fall to the floor before jumping up and scrambling backwards until your back hits the wall of plush pillows guarding the head board. He follows you, climbing onto the bed and settling onto his knees between your thighs. Chocolate eyes sweep up to yours, somehow filled with an almost innocence despite what the two of you are about to do.

“Can I taste you, Y/n?” He pleas– and it is a plea.

You want to nod. To let him use that pretty mouth on you for as long as he pleases. But years of insecurity – insecurity that’s only been made worse after recent events, bubbles to the surface.

“I- I didn’t shave. You don’t have to.” You hate how weak your voice sounds. You hate that you feel like this. You hate how every single cell in your body wants to close your thighs and hide from him despite the love that you see swirling through his eyes.

“I want to.” Josh answers, warm hands finding purchase on your thighs. “And I don’t care about whether or not you shaved, Y/n. It’s your body that you’re choosing to share with me.” His thumbs trace small, soothing circles into your skin. “But if you don’t feel comfortable that’s okay too.”

You take a deep breath. You let all those insecurities that have welled up recently come to the forefront of your mind. You let yourself feel each one. And then you let them go.

“Y-you can. You can taste me.”

Josh smiles softly, the weight of your trust not lost on him as he leans down and slides your panties down your legs. Already soaked, Josh hums at the sight.

“Stunning.” He says, swiping a finger through your folds and earning a cry from between your lips.

Hooking his arms beneath your thighs and dropping his body to lay against the mattress, Josh pulls your glistening center flush against him and sucks your clit into his mouth. He rolls his tongue around the swollen bud and your hips buck up to meet the feeling.

“Oh fuck.” You whine, eyes shut tightly against the onslaught of pleasure.

His tongue works over you effortlessly, switching between circling around your clit and slipping into your entrance. The sound is obscene. Your wetness coupled with the way Josh moans into your heat has the band of pleasure in your lower belly beginning to tighten already. It’s like he somehow knows exactly what you like the most – effortlessly coaxing you to the edge. He’s groaning into you, head thrashing from side to side and his own hips pushing down into the bed.

“Josh.” You warn, your body beginning to tense as the white hot pleasure keeps building.

“Cum in my mouth, mama. I need it.”

With one last lick of his tongue against you the wave breaks. With a loud cry, you let the pleasure overtake you and Josh keeps working you through it, making sure to give you the most pleasure he can as your orgasm works its way through you.

Finally, he sits up and wipes his mouth against the back of his hand.

“How was that?”

It’s an innocent question but the cocky grin he’s sporting lets you know that he knows exactly how good it was.

“Fuck.” Is all you manage to say and Josh giggles.

“Eloquent.”

Josh sits up and you can see his cock straining through the fabric of his boxers, his flushed tip trapped underneath the waistband. Even covered you can see that he’s big. You’d always known that he was – his jumpsuits leave little to the imagination. But seeing it like this, hard and leaking for you, makes your breath stutter in your chest. You reach out to feel him but he stops you, shaking his head and grinning.

“Not done yet.” Is all he says before his fingers find your wet folds again.

Slowly, he presses a finger in and you whine, legs falling apart wider as he curls the digit. He’s watching you intently, noting every shift of your hips and every change in expression as he explores your body, finding what makes you tick. His finger brushes against your sweet spot and you cry out his name.

“Oh fuck, Josh. Right there.”

He grins.

“There it is.”

He adds another finger, scissoring them to stretch you but making sure to brush that spot over and over again as he does so. You’re a whining mess beneath him, embarrassingly close to cumming again already. No one has ever paid attention like this – actually taking the time to learn your body and its responses in order to maximize your pleasure. Maybe it's that thought that has you about to reach climax again.

“You gonna cum on my fingers, Y/n?”

You nod your head, unable to form words as he pumps his fingers in and out of you.

“Yeah? I can feel you squeezing them, baby. You can cum, angel. Just let it go.”

Your body trembles and shakes all over as you cum and Josh moans in delight at the sight of you surrendering to pleasure, at the sight of the pleasure that he is giving you. This one lasts longer than the last and Josh works you through every second of it until you're panting and shying away from the touch as the oversensitivity hits you.

“Good?” He murmurs, eyes practically black as they stare at you.

“Very, very good.” You answer with a lazy, satiated smile. “Are you going to fuck me now?”

Josh’s tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip and your eyes track the movement. You want him. You want him so bad it aches.

“Only if you want me to. We don’t have to do anything else tonight.”

Of course he didn’t expect more from you. And you’re 100% certain that if you asked him to, he’d lay down and go to bed with you right now despite how hard his aching member must be. But you don’t want that. You want him. All of him.

“I want you to, Josh. I need you to fuck me.”

A soft, delicate little whine escapes him.

“Okay.”

Wordlessly, he reaches over to his night stand and opens a drawer. His hand disappears inside it before reappearing with a condom in hand. He palms himself once with his right hand through his boxers before hooking his fingers in the waistband and tugging them down.

You never knew that a cock could be so fucking pretty.

He rips the foil with his teeth and rolls the latex over his length, hissing as he does so.

You let your legs fall apart and beckon him to you. With dark eyes, Josh pumps his length in his hand once, twice, before he guides himself into your soaked entrance. He’s big, the stretch causing a delicious mix of pleasure bordering on pain. He moans as he bottoms out and your hands latch onto his shoulders and your fingertips dig into the muscle.

“Fuck, you feel good.” You moan, already aching for him to move.

“And you feel like satin, angel. So fuckin’ tight.”

Slowly, Josh pulls almost all the way out of you before sliding back in again. His arms come to rest on either side of your head, his weight resting on his forearms. With each snap of his hips you can’t help but moan. Every movement, every inch of him, sends sparks of pleasure through your entire body. Sex with Alex had been rough – frenzied and almost mindless. But this? This is worship.

“Don’t stop.” You beg, heels digging into his hips to keep him close.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” His voice sounds wrecked – cracked and broken with his own pleasure.

“You’re so good.” You find yourself mumbling, eyes squeezing shut. “So fucking good, Josh.”

You can feel his length twitch and pulse inside of you as soon as the words leave your mouth. He likes knowing that he’s making you feel good.

“Wanna make you cum, mama. Wanna make you feel good.” He whines, jaw dropping open and face contorting in pleasured agony.

You nod your head frantically, tits bouncing as he picks up his pace.

“Feels so good. Oh fuck!” Your own voice sounds foreign to you – high pitched and almost squeaky. You’re losing yourself in the pleasure, his cock hitting your sweet spot perfectly.

“Please cum, baby. Cum on my cock. I need to feel it.”

His right hand slips into the heated space between your bodies and his finger finds your clit, ruthlessly swirling the pad of his finger in time with his thrusts.

“Fuck I’m gonna cum, Josh. Please, please, please.”

“You don’t have to beg, baby.” He grits out, his pace beginning to falter as your walls clench mercilessly around him. “Gonna take care of you. Gonna get you there.”

It hardly takes a minute more before the band snaps. With a harsh scream, your orgasm rips through you. Stars explode behind your eyes and any thoughts that you had have been ripped from you. All you can focus on is the pleasure as Josh keeps fucking you through your high. The only words you can think of fall from your lips in a breathy whine.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Josh cries out harshly, his own body tensing as he finally lets himself reach his own climax.

“Oh fuck, I’m cumming. Y/n.” His words are almost a growl, rumbling from deep within his chest as his orgasm hits him fully. “I love you too. Fuck, I love you so much.”

With one last thrust of his hips the two of you finally settle, Josh’s weight coming down to pin you to the mattress as you both come back to yourselves. He doesn’t pull out, allowing the intimacy of the moment to stretch on.

“My God.” You mumble, your throat feeling raw from screaming.

Josh leans down to capture your lips with his, his tongue exploring your mouth lazily for a moment before he draws back.

“I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you too. I’m sorry I took so long.”

“I would have waited even longer so long as I got to have you in the end.”

You pull him down to kiss him again.

“You have me.”

♡︵‿♡︵‿♡‿︵♡‿︵♡

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