#all of this happened while we're struggling with things from before that i dont know how to cope with

[hella1975]

listening to call your mom rn (god it feels wrong spelling it like that)

gripping u by the shoulders. this song is everything to me.

[doitforbangchan]

sorry if it's a little long. I love to come up with plots more than the smut part

you were just supposed to meet them backstage after a concert and get a picture. but hyunjin was obviously interested so chan asked you to stay behind, offering to drop you off since you were there alone. while they were waiting for the fans to leave, hyunjin kept talking to you and managed to get you to accept going with them to the dorms with them to chill after the concert. not the type to be able to say no easily, you accepted. you ended up drinking with them. the members tried making conversations but a tipsy hyunjin was doing all he could to keep your attention on him. after a while, the others left to sleep and since it was too late for you to go home, you had to stay over. hyunjin wanted you to sleep on his bed so you'd be comfortable and he'd be in the living room but it didn't seem fair to him. that's how you ended up in the same bed. the two of you were just talking at first but as you sobered up, things escalated between the two of you...

After party - Hyunjin

Masterlist

Idol!Hyunjin x Fan!Reader (Afab)

The pics are formatting weird and I dont know why :(

CW: Light smut, kissing, grinding, thigh riding, drinking, softdom!Hyunjin, sub!reader, cursing, anxiety (Lemme know if i missed any) Not proofread :) to my requester- I hope you enjoy please let me know what you think lovey <3

WC: 2.4k

Hyunjin was enamored by you. The second you walked backstage for your VIP picture with the group he knew he was doomed. Not only were you beautiful but so kind. You were all smiles as you greeted them each, handing them each little figures you had created for them of their Skzoo animals.

For you, this was the greatest thing to ever happen to you. You had waited so long for this, counting down the days since purchasing your ticket and backstage pass. You only expected it to be a quick meeting, get a picture maybe a hug and then be on your way. You were honestly shocked when Bangchan had invited you to hang out with them for a while.

"Did you come alone?" Chan had asked you when he noticed nobody was with you.

"Yeah, I did." You answered sheepishly, "I don't have any other friends into K-pop so I'm pretty used to attending events and concerts alone."

"It just means you have good taste." Hyunjin winked at you, and you felt the heat rush to your face as you mumbled a 'thanks'.

Hyunjin was sat next to you with his arm slung over the back of the couch you were both sitting on but he wasn't touching you. He just wanted to be close to you without being weird.

The two of you sat there for over an hour as he asked you questions about yourself, of course the other boys would chime in every now and again but generally they liked watching Hyunjin try and be cool with you. It was entertaining.

It was nearing closing for the venue and they had to leave soon, but Hyunjin didn't want this to end. He looked to Chan for a quick second with pleading eyes before he looked back at you and blurted "Do you wanna come home with us?"

You were thrown off by his sudden inquiry, "Huh?"

"Not in a gross way!" He panicked as Jisung burst into laughter watching his friend struggle. "I mean, we're headed back to our dorm and we planned on having a few drinks and hanging out. Our version of an after party. Would you like to join us?"

"Oh uhhh" you looked around at the encouraging looks from Felix and Chan, ignoring the snickering from Jisung and Seungmin. "I mean, I guess if you want me too, maybe an hour or so wouldn't hurt." You were a people pleaser and couldn't say no on a regular day, but especially not when your favorite idol asks you too.

"Perfect" He smiled brightly.

The ride over was more luxury than you were used too, even being shoved into the back of the black SUV. Perspective really was everything huh?

Once back at the dorms the boys wasted no time in getting acquainted with the bottle of tequila Minho had slyly taken from the venue. Though you kindly refused to do shots, you couldn't say no when Felix offered you a mixed drink he made you with some juice from the fridge.

Time felt like it was flying by. Before you knew it, it was nearing midnight. It was easy to loose track of time, though. Since the moment you got here Hyunjin had take it upon himself to keep you company. He had only taken two shots but he was clearly tipsy; his mild slurring and glassy eyes being a dead giveaway.

Not that you were any better, being a lightweight yourself. That's probably why it took you so long to notice the latening time.

"Shit" you cursed after checking your phone, only now noticing how late it was. "It's getting really late, I think I gotta head out."

Hyunjin looked around and noticed you two were the only ones left in the living room, the other members seemingly having gone to bed or to their own dorms. "Damn, how did we not notice how late it was?" He knew exactly how he didn't notice. You were too mesmerizing for him to want to pay attention to anything else.

"I should probably try to call an Uber." You sighed, opening your phone and praying you could get an available ride. Most Saturday nights were impossible to get a ride, since it seemed like the whole city tried to get one at the same time.

Hyunjin spoke before his brain could catch up. "Sleep in my bed tonight." He backtracked at seeing your eyes widen at his proposition. "Uhh what I mean is, it's really late and getting a ride might take hours anyway, so you could just stay here tonight if you wanted.."

"Oh umm." You bit your lip, nervously. "I don't want to be an inconvenience for you."

He shook his head in disagreement, shaggy hair bouncing at his vehement action. "It's no inconvenience, hon. Really, it would even make me feel better knowing you were here safe instead of waiting for a rando or walking home in the middle of the night."

"Aren't you kind of a rando, Hyunjin?" You had a slight tease to your voice.

"A rando who you came home with, yeah." He giggles, standing up and putting his hand out for you to take. He looked at you expectantly when you hesitated to grab his hand in return. "Come on, y/n. You can take my bed and I'll take the couch tonight. No objections!"

You shyly took his hand in yours, giving up on trying to leave knowing he was right.

You found yourself unable to sleep. It has easily been 40 minutes since Hyunjin had made his bed for you and wished you goodnight, and you couldn't stop thinking of just how you ended up in this situation.

You only meant to get a picture with your favorite K-pop group- nothing more nothing less. It's what you had paid for, at least. Never in your life would you have imagined this is where you would be at the end of the night. In Hwang Hyunjins bed. The sheets smelled of him, the silk holding onto both his natural scent and traces of his expensive cologne. Honestly it was quite sobering, your buzz fading by the minute.

As if his ears were ringing, the bedroom door slowly creaks open to reveal Hyunjin, peeking in curiously. The only light in the room was the soft glow of the moon shining through his window. It was just enough for him to be able to make out your still figure in his bed.

"Pssst" his voice was a whisper, "are you awake?" He didn't want to wake you if you were sleeping so he kept his tone low.

"Yeah." You whispered back, equally as soft. "Are you ok?"

He shuffled close to you in the room, "Uh yeah, it's just that.. the couch is really uncomfortable."

"Oh, uh" You stammed, "I can go to the couch so you can have your bed back."

You went to remove yourself from his bed but he stopped you, his hand finding your shoulder to keep you in place, "Well I was thinking, if you didn't mind, I could just stay in here with you."

You blinked in surprise, contemplating it for a moment. He wasn't slurring his speech anymore so you knew his tipsiness was wearing off. " I guess that would be ok." You slowly scooted further into the bed, giving him space to climb under the covers with you.

He situated himself under the warm blankets and turned his body to face you. Now you were both looking at each other through the dim light.

"I do appreciate you coming and hanging out with us tonight." He breathed out, breaching the silence.

You balked, "Are you kidding? You brought me into your home, and now you're letting me in your bed! This whole night has been incredible, really. I should be the one thanking you." You said in a hushed tone, fighting back the urge to word vomit your appreciation.

Hyunjin chucked, "No need to thank me." He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, gathering his nerves. "If I'm being honest, something about you had immediately caught my attention the second you walked backstage to meet us. You were so... Captivating. And sweet. Those little Skzoo minis you made for us are so cute and I can tell you took your time to make them for us. I knew I wanted to know you more." He reached for your hand in the dark and you tentatively let him grab it and laced your fingers together.

Your face was burning hot at his confession. Honestly you were at a loss for words. You hadn't considered yourself special in anyway. Sweet- maybe. But captivating? Never. It was a whirlwind of emotions. You didn't doubt that he was speaking his truth, more so your heart didn't want to believe it.

As if sensing your inner turmoil he gave you a shy grin to ease your mind, "I understand if you don't feel the same. I know it's crazy to spring that kind of thing on someone you just met."

"No its not that!" You protested louder than intended, before sheepishly lowering your voice back to a whisper. " This is all very surreal to me, right now. This isn't how I imagined my night would be, but I am so glad it did. I really liked getting to know you guys, especially you... Who may or may not be my bias." You hid your eyes behind your hand.

You tried to tug your other hand from his grasp but he held on, tighter now after your confession.

"Oh, I'm your bias, huh?" You could hear the smirk on his face as his confidence grew exponentially. You turned your head at buried it into the pillow, unable to meet his gaze.

"Don't be mean." you mumbled.

"I would never dream of being mean to you, sweetheart. You're the one who can't even look at your bias. So really you're the mean one here, angel."

You took a peek at him to see his signature pout gracing his features, the dumpling shape of his lips making you want to bite them.

"You're lucky you're pretty" You huffed, feeling his other hand reach for your waist and pull you closer. You held back a squeal at his action.

"You think I'm pretty?" He abandoned his pout for a boyish grin.

"Mhm" you responded, so quietly he almost missed it.

"Well, between you and me, angel," He leaned in closer to your face, eyes flickering back and forth between your lips and eyes, "I think you're prettier."

The singer left you room to deny his advances, but when you made no move to get away he gently pressed his soft lips against your own. You felt your eyes close on impact, and sighed into him as he swept his tongue along your bottom lip, asking for entrance. Once you parted for him and allowed him entry into your mouth he let out a low moan; the sound coming from somewhere in the back of his throat.

You fisted his shirt when he let go of your hand, instead his found purchase cupping your cheeks as he deepened the kiss even further. His body pressed as close to you as he could get, letting himself get drunk on your taste as he sobered from the alcohol.

You whimpered when he wedged one of his thighs between yours, the strong muscle creating a friction on your clothes center.

"Mm I liked that sound. I wanna hear you sing more pretty melodies for me, angel." He retracted his lips from yours, choosing to instead pepper smooches down your neck. He ground his thigh into you, eliciting another whimper.

Hyunjin sucked a mark onto your flesh, the extra stimulation causing you to buck your hips, seeking more. "Hyuuunnee"

"That's it baby, ride my thigh. Fuck, I can feel you soaking through both of our clothes, angel." He really means his clothes, as he had given you a pair of sleep shorts to wear. He sped up his movements, the grinding getting harsher against your core.

Your clit was rubbing so deliciously against your panties, and you definitely knew with how much you were dripping for him that he was telling the truth. You couldn't believe how worked up you were getting, already on the verge of cumming and you hadn't even been really touched yet.

His hand traveled down to the hem of your shirt, and he pushed it up to reveal your braless chest. He let out a groan of his own at the sight. "You not wear a bra for me, angel? Being a naughty girl?"

You moaned when he latched his mouth onto the skin of your tit, "Mmmmm, no Hyun. Jus' can't sleep in it." one of your hands found his hair.

"I don't think that's true, angel." He said it between nips to your flesh, "I think you wanted me to come in here and ravish you." He nipped particularly hard and you gasped. "Bet you were laying here, soaking in your panties waiting for me, huh?" He switched to your other breast.

Your panting was getting harsher, getting closer and closer to cumming on his thigh. "Hyune, m' gonna..gonna..."

"Gonna cum, pretty girl? Gonna make a mess for me, hmm?" You nodded as best you could, "Go ahead, angel. Hyun's got you." At his permission you let go, a soft cry escaping you as you shook against him. The whole time he kept steady in his grinding, working you through your orgasm. "Fuck, you're even prettier when you cum, oh my god. Prettier than a painting."

When the shocks of pleasure faded into over stimulation you tried to give him a light push to signal him to stop. He took the hint and slowly ended his grinding. Your breathing was heavy and your pupils were blown wide, the sight enough for him to crave you even more if that was possible.

Keeping eye contact with you, he gingerly reached into the front of your (his) shorts, his long fingers finding your dripping wetness and collecting some of it onto the pads of his fingers. You bleated a moan at the contact of him sweeping through your wet folds.

You almost came again when Hyunjin removed his fingers from your pussy and brought the shiny digits up to his mouth. He groaned and his eyes rolled to the back of his head when he sucked your essence off his skin.

"Fuck angel, you really are sweet." He was quick to flip you onto your back, causing you to squeal. "Gotta be quiet, sweet girl." He scooted down your body, pulling your bottoms and panties down with him. "Can't have the boys coming in here while I'm eating my new favorite treat, right angel?"

A/n: Yesssss I know its not full smut, but honestly i liked the it this way. i think it fits better :) I hope you enjoy please let me know if you did

Comments and reblogs are very much appreciated!

©doitforbangchan

[imtrashraccoon]

Congrats on the double digits! May I request a DONT imagine with Lord nightmare and baggs with gender neutral y/n?👉🏼👈🏼

Thank you! Of course you may! However, first things first, in The Nightmare of Apathy these two can't stand each other, mostly thanks to clashing egos, but we're going to pretend they don't mind sharing for this.

Don't imagine being at your lowest point in life when a skeleton covered in black goop appears and offers you a new purpose. How he seems to know just the right things to say in order to convince you. How you can sense an ominous aura about him but can't bring yourself to care. How you agree without much of a struggle to serve him.

Don't imagine how he brings you back to his castle and explains that your new purpose is to spread negativity throughout the multiverse. How it takes a few missions to figure out what he means by this. How you soon throw yourself into the thick of it and follow every order without question.

Don't imagine meeting another skeleton after becoming badly injured during one of these missions. How he cares for you and how he nurses you back to health. How you come to learn that he serves as the doctor for the team. How he seems to almost immediately take a liking to you over all the others.

Don't imagine how you start to notice your boss paying more attention to you after you've recovered. How there seems to be some unspoken tension between the two skeletons for a while. How you get the sense that they both like you but neither seem willing to confess at the moment.

Don't imagine how Nightmare seems to be keeping an especially close eye socket on you during missions. How he's quick to pull you out of danger and how he keeps you from becoming injured like before. How whenever anyone touches you, he gives them an icy glare and tries to keep you to himself. How he starts randomly giving you thoughtful or expensive gifts that he knows you'd like.

Don't imagine how Baggs takes time out of his busy schedule to greet you everytime you return from a mission. How he fusses over you and does his best to heal any injuries you do sustain. How he's all too willing to drop everything just to spend time with you. How he seems to brighten up whenever you walk in the room and how he looks at you as if you're the best thing in the world.

Don't imagine when they happen to end up in the same room as you. How they share a knowing glance. How they naturally migrate closer until they're both sitting right next to you.

Don't imagine how Nightmare subtly wraps his tentacles around your hand and arm. How he doesn't acknowledge this and seems more interested in his book. How Baggs slips his arm behind your back and rests his skull on your shoulder. How he gives you a sleepy smile and takes a peek at what you're doing.

Don't imagine how domestic this moment feels. How you reciprocate by holding onto Nightmare's tendrils and wrap your other arm around Baggs. Definitely don't imagine how they both stiffen up before relaxing against you. How Nightmare gives you a small smile and squeezes your hand. How Baggs hums softly and nuzzles into your neck. How this feels just right somehow.

First, Previous, & Next Request

[yelenasdiary]

hi could you maybe write something about Lizzie being pregnant? and maybe be giving birth to reader and her’s baby girl, maybe at home, (in a tub?) hehe, i dont know if its cringe😅 but kind of chaos, but also fluff😅

New Life

Pairing: Elizabeth Olsen x Reader

Summary: Life is about to change in front of your eyes & you wouldn’t change it for the world.

Tiny Angst | Fluff | Childbirth | 1K |

AC: Thank you for sending this! I hope this was what you were looking for x, enjoy! - I kind of forgot to add the chaos omg!!

It had been a long 9 months for both you and your wife, Lizzie. 9 months full of excitement, worry, more excitement and the normal stresses that come along with having a baby. During Lizzie's entire pregnancy she wasn't seen by the public world, a few times in the early stages of her pregnancy grabbing some groceries but when Scarlett gave her some advice on how to avoid the paparazzi, the world saw less of the actress. It wasn't a bad thing; it was something you and Lizzie both knew that it would be best that she had as much privacy as she could get during her pregnancy. 

With Lizzie's water breaking just moments before you two were going to have a shower, it was a rush to get the tub ready and luckily for you, the midwife only lived a few blocks away and was over before you knew it. You helped with work through each contraction that came in waves while the midwife checked to see how dilated Lizzie was. 

It hit you suddenly that your world was about to change in a matter of hours, of course this was what you expected but for some reason it really hit you that you were about to become a parent. 

*****

"Something smells amazing!" you smiled as you walked into the kitchen to see Lizzie stirring something in a large pot, Lizzie looked over her shoulder and smiled, "I'm just making some pasta sauce" she replied with a chuckle as you wrapped your arms around her from behind and placed a kiss on her cheek. 

"Still, it smells great" you spoke softly. It was then that it caught your eye that Lizzie didn't have her normal glass of wine half full sitting on the countertop beside the stove. "Let me get you a glass, what are you feeling tonight? Red? White?" you asked before pulling away to get a wine class from the cupboard. 

"About that" Lizzie turned on her heals to face you, "I can't have any for a while" she added. Your eyes shot wide open; a smile tugged at your lips as you came to the realisation of what Lizzie was saying. She nodded as she watched your brain click to the news. 

"We're having a baby?!" you walked over to her and placed your hands softly on her lips, "yes" she replied softly before you crashed your lips onto hers. 

*****

With Lizzie's hand in yours, you used your thumb to gently stroke the top of her hand to help calm her after a contraction. Her head rested against you while you sat behind her. "We forgot to pick up a few things from the baby store" your wife spoke as she looked up at you. 

"It'll be okay, I'll call them later and let them know what's happened" you couldn't help but chuckle, "I think they'd be very understanding and if not then I have no idea why they are a business" you added making Lizzie giggle.

Although Lizzie's pregnancy had its pros, it also had its cons. There were moments of worry and concern as you held her hair back while her morning sickness took its toll, draining her of the little energy she had. If it wasn't morning sickness, it was heart burn and struggling to make herself comfortable as her bump grew bigger. Family gatherings really took a toll on Lizzie, even for an actress who is used to answering the same questions over and over again, having everybody she knew and loved ask her 100 times over things about her pregnancy was different and you were quick to give her a break and answer some of those questions for yourself. 

But with all the cons, the pros always came shining through. Lizzie would boost to you that being pregnant meant she was entitled to the last snack on the plate, the last cookie? Hers. The last banana? Hers. The last slice of cake? Hers. One of her favorite things to do was baby shop, online or instore, she loved it. Although, you liked it better when it was online because she could spend as many hours as she pleased, and your legs wouldn't get sore. 

 ****

"Honey!! Look how adorable this little suit is!" Lizzie took the tiny boys suit off the rack and showed you, "it's so tiny!" she added while eyeing off the piece of clothing. Of course, she brought it just in case. You both decided to let the sex of your unborn baby be a surprise and so Lizzie was sure to buy gender neutral, girls and boys items so it wasn't a surprise that she brought the tiny suit. 

"It's adorable" you smiled softly, "it's crazy to think that somebody can be this small!" You added in amazement. 

"I wish our baby could stay tiny forever" Lizzie commented while walking away, her eyes already caught on something else.

****

As her contractions started to become more intense, you reminded Lizzie she was doing amazing and that was the truth. For her entire pregnancy you have watched her body and mind change and just when you thought she couldn't get any more beautiful, she did. She was truly the most beautiful woman you'd ever laid eyes on. 

"It's time" the midwife looked up at Lizzie who was more than ready to hold her baby. She took one last look at you, "are you ready?" she asked which didn't surprise you, she'd always been the one to make sure you were on top of things and doing things when you were ready, you nodded, "I've never felt more ready" you placed a soft kiss on her lips knowing that the next kiss you'd share with her, your lives would be different.

After what felt like forever, the loud cries of your baby finally entered the room. Lizzie was exhausted but still managed to have the worlds proudest smile on her lips. "Congratulations, it's a girl" the midwife smiled at the two of you before whisking your daughter to be wiped and wrapped before carefully placing her in Lizzie's arms. 

You felt a tear roll down your cheek when you laid eyes on your daughter, everything would be different now and there isn't a single bone in your body that would change that for the world. "She's perfect" you whispered before placing a kiss on Lizzie's cheek, "you're perfect" you added.

Taglist: @red1culous | @bentleywolf29 | @natasha-belova | @kiwiana145 | @lissaaaa145 | @high--power | @parkerdaramitzzzz | @wackymcstupid | @mmmmokdok | @observeowl | @nattyolw | @ripofflizzie | @goofy-goonie | @makegoodchoices | @wandsmxmff | @apollo2907 | @wandaroman0ff | @dumb-fawkin-bitch | @lovelyy-moonlight | @santana1437 | @fluffyblanketgecko | @inluvwithfictionalwomen | @jaymieflorissssssss | @tita001 | @youralphawolf72 | @natashamaximoff69 | @hehehehannahthings | @pandaemonium111 | @blue-serendipityy | @secrettoallofyou | @romantic-slaps-on-the-asss | @marvel-fan-2021 | @mmmmokdok | @riveramorylunar | @ripofflizzie | @scarsw1fe | @toldthatdevil | @itsmv3 | @katiemay-025 | @aphrcdtes | @romanoffs-widow | @maria-403 | @boredandneedfanfics | @wandamaximoffspuppup | @xox-little-troublemaker-xox |  | 

[kuni-is-daddy]

Comfort!Wanderer x Female Reader

Tw: Hints of depression. If you don't know scaras backstory ur gonna get spoiled.

Ft: Teasing,f/ngering, Riding, Scara praises u, aftercare?,he calls you a good girl

Wordcount: 1.77k

CW: Minors do not interact past the cut! This is a NSFW post

ScaraMasterlist

Before you two go on another outing, 'Hat guy' reluctantly asked nahida for help on another one of his gifts to give you...

"Remember hat guy! if anything happens ring the safety bell, okay? And keep in touch while im at vanarana. I want to make sure you two have an awesome time!" The small archon tippy toed, while 'hatguy' leaned down as she tied the trinket to his feathered ornament. "Tsk- Buer, im far from a child. I dont need anyone to hold my hand like one." Nahida looked up at the puppet, "Really? you never mind ms Y/N holding your hand though." He diverted his gaze and mumbled to himself. "See? I knew you'd like it. Oh right! your gift!"

Hat guy fixed his posture, "Here! Make sure you give this to ms y/n." In her hand was a book of photos she put together for him with little stickers of slimes and aranara with smiley faces, handing it to hatguy as he took his time with each page and noticing the many 'new' pictures, some being ones he didn't give to the lessor lord. "Your a stalker now too? I guess reading minds isnt enough for you." Ignoring his comment buer took out another book. One titled 'Nahida's sumeru travel guide' with a cover drawing of a purple cat barely paying attention to the light green cat. "Do you have to insist on making everything look like a coloring book..." Nahida didnt reply, mearling looking away and humming a tune similar to the aranara while he began his walk to the park.

Whenever you two would hang out together it was in the library within the akedemiya or anywhere he chose. Sometimes as you held his hand walking through the peaceful park your mind would fill the silence in the worst ways possible as he stared at your now frowning expression. "I dont know Kuni, is the akedemiya even worth it anymore? Theirs people smarter than me there anyway." Kuni stopped in his tracks. "But isnt the whole point of the akedemiya just to major in a 'hobby' you like?." he raised an eyebrow. "Well..i guess..but..Theirs obviously people better than me at it." "Id disagree. Besides their Irrelevant. Shouldn't you just do it and have fun. Huh.. I thought thats what hobby's we're. Something for idle bodies to enjoy." You sighed at his response and sat on the bench. "Its not that simple kuni, I have to get a job and- my family what if i have to provide for them too. Ontop of that there really unfair. Why am i putting my heart into this just for it to be a flop." 'A flop?' At your wording he was brought back to his association with the kaedehara clan. Every now and then he'd overhear niwa talking with others over its upending struggles due to the rise of his mothers sword art. Spreading around inazuma like wildfire and Leaving the clan to struggle in its contribution to the arts. But only in a matter of time kuni was able to 'eat' and drink his favorite tea with them in celebration of their success. We're all the struggles just the divine tricks to see who is worthy? was a god playing tricks on you? 'It couldnt be like that..' Kuni put his gift on the bench, and held your hand while sitting with you

"Maybe im overthinking kuni..I-i just dont know.." It pained him to just look at you like this. Tired. Just so tired mentally and physically, tears dreaning down your eyes as you measly sat on the bench. You began to get up, Remembering your responsibilities. "Its fine kuni, you know- maybe I just need some rest! at home!" 'she said that before' He held your hand, uncomfortably tight. His mind always thought to the worst and he never wanted to loose you because of it. Often getting angry at himself for assuming you'd do such a thing..or likewise to what he did. But this time, He just couldnt let go. Was he scared? As much as you implied, you'd never do such things It always rang in the back of his mechanical ears. If only he was still a harbinger, He would've did everything in his power more then he could now to get you the stable income or whatever humans would need in any region or place in teyvat you wanted. Just say the word and he would've done it regardless of her 'excellency' but he couldnt now, all he could do was use this 'curse' which he called emotions to help understand you. "Kuni-...Please let me go....Im alright." you sniffled. He immediately noticed your change in tone. It was soothing just how you always talked to him yet he still felt wary.

With a few more tugs it felt as if his grip only tighter the more you tugged. In defeat, you brokenly sighed and sat back next to the puppet. A part of him was irked at your own confusion. But he never once regretted trying to comfort you through it when, and when you didnt ask. Even awaiting you at your home before you messaged him. It felt as if you sat in the park for hours within cold silence as your throat and chest burned trying making out words but every attempt was cut off by insecurity.

You always knew he loved you, but even your black and white reality began looking different colors. You shuttered while looked at him again, meeting eyes and Surprised that his hat was off. Resting on the bench's crook. "How about..I join the akademiya with you?" you let go of his soft hand, beginning to wipe your eyes until he pulled a green cloth with flowers printed on it out his pants pocket, Damping away your tears as you subtly smiled and sniffled. "I never knew you we're into cute things like this kuni." 'cute?' "Well. You can always rely on this..unique archon of yours to make her presence." you didnt ask any further. "Why do you want to join the akademiya?" "Isnt it obvious? to be with you. and for buer to stop annoying me." he mumbled the last part. "But you dont even have a major or-" "The archives of inazuma can use a rework. I find it ironic how beelz- the raiden shogun is portrayed as some. Beneveloent god, that pursuits eternity." He smirked, Writing a thesis might be one of the most indirect ways he could show up his mother but that had to wait.

You we're more important, and always have been since you entered his life. Kuni noticed his gift. "Oh yeah. Here." he handed you the bag. "Whats in it. More bitter tea for me to try?" he blushed at your answer. "Just open it." you smiled at him again and looked at the pictures in the book. Trying to hold back a laugh at the picture of nahida whacking him uptop his head for god knows what. He looked at the picture, intrigued on why you we're laughing. 'buer you had one fucking job-' then back at you again. "No need to thank me- i-" cutting him off, you kissed kuni on his cheek "I love it kuni." 'his skin is so soft~' you thought. "Then I guess I should thank you too." The puppet shifted closer to you moving the book back in the bag and out of your view behind him. "W-wait kuni- not here we're in a park!" he sucked his teeth and still moved closer to you, sinking his face into your neck as you leaned back "And? thats even better, every person here can know how important you are to me. Got a problem with that?." He began tugging at the buttons on your shirt "Or..Does my baby want to continue this at home? I'll let you choose this time."

----

You fumbled with the keys as you locked the door behind you. Kuni was already tugging onto you. Biting and leaving petals of kisses along your neck. "K-kuni~ slow down.." you moaned. "Shit..Love it when you say my name too. This beautiful body is all mine." you turned around to face him, being greeted by his kimono barely hanging onto his shoulders to cover his lean form behind his turtleneck. "Your staring again…Like what you see y/n? Its all for you." He picked you up, bringing you to your bedroom littered in papers, pens and books on your desk. "huh. Do all scholars have a messy room like this?" He chuckled. "S-shut up.."

Kuni laid you onto the bed, observing your body before trailing his hands down to your pants. Letting out a groan. "God. Your fucking beautiful. How dare you treat yourself like this." He slowly tugged your clothes off. Then rubbed his hands along your thighs, spreading your legs and revealing your wet slit. "You want it gentle baby?" you nodded. Sinking his head inbetween your legs, he began licking on your bud. "Kuni~" "Shh…Relax..for me pet." your thighs twitched at the name. "Oh? you like being called that too…ill- mmm~ remember that" he sunk his tongue inside of you, moaning into you incoherent praise. "f-fuck..you- mmm taste- s' good." you rubbed your hand through his hair. Pressing him farther onto you. Usually you didnt take the lead or have him bottomed out for you like this. But it was your special night, as many we're yours to come. Kuni didnt want to stop for celestia itself to make sure you felt loved just as you made him feel. "Wahnt me to stop baby- you- ah..i know you like it." "N-no kuni~ please dont stop." you said while pressing your thighs closer against his head. "Hah..How about my fingers, want that too?" Kuni licked at his fingers after pulling away from your wet hole with a gasp for air. "Yes master~" his cock twitched in his pants. He knew you wanted it slow but god the urge to take you right then and there. He inserted two of his fingers as your walls clenched, slowly shifting in rhythm of his fingers. "Arent you eager hmm? Already want me inside dont you? Thought you wanted me to be gentle." He smiled, Thrusting his digits faster inside you. "K-kuni!! please.. I- ah..hah.." "Yes baby? what does my good girl want." kuni leaned down to you, wanting to hear your delicious moans. "Inside..Please..want you inside~" "Hah..Theres my pet." The two of you switched positions. Kuni laying his lean body on your bed as you climbed ontop of him, slowly sinking him inside you.

"K-kuni..your so big," "And hah..your so warm..oh shit~." You began moving, bouncing up and down on kuni's length. "Oh god baby..L-look at you, bouncing on master so ah-well.." His praise filled your ears, making your body heat up. You two interlocked hands as you both chased your highs. The sound of skin slapping and your wet moans echo'd around the room. "Yes..Yes y/n- fuck yes. I L- ah.. Love you so fucking much, dont stop. dont stop." He squeezed onto your hand, eyes slightly glowing from his pre sloshing up and down inside you. "Kuni~ m' close..Im gonna- i-" "Thats it- just like that- cum for me~ let me hear those beautiful moans-" From his bittersweet praise you came onto his length, squeezing his hand 'tightly' as he soon came after you, Painting your walls with his warm seed. You collapsed onto his chest, Still inside him and coming down from your high. His chest wasn't rising up and down.. which creeped you out a little but you didnt mind.

The two of you laid in the bed. Mumbling every now and then about earlier as he stroked your hair. "I dont expect you to get well instantly y/n. Thats not how things work." "Yeah..Then i guess id be like some sort of puppet right?" you chuckled while trailing your hand along his chest. "Right.." kuni laid his head back. "What im saying is that you have to try at your own pace to get better. Regardless of everyone, its your life you have to live. And i..hate seeing you dwelling here when I know there's someee things your good at. If you get discouraged, I'll be there for you." "And if your not..?" he sighed at your reply. "That'll be rare. Then Call me and we'll go for another walk if you want. Im sure that childish archon has plenty ideas too."(He thought back to the bell). Some of his advice was stuff you've already heard. Even though it is easier said then done your heart warmed at his ideals. He even wanted to get in the akedemiya just for you, he was willing to do so much. Even if you felt better for a day or made the smallest progress Kuni would be proud.

Thank you for reading and I wish you the best :)

[goldenlikedayl1ght]

‎‧₊˚✧{danny's masterlist}✧˚₊‧

ok it's finally here, i have been meaning to make a masterlist for so long and now it's happening. also note that this masterlist is only gonna be fandoms and characters i have already written for! you can send me a quick ask to see if i write for a particular fandom!

Marvel Cinematic Universe

Matthew Murdock

delicate - t. swift “is it cool that I said all that? / is it chill that you’re in my head?"' notes: my first ever fic! risque but not smutty

dress - t. swift "say my name and everything just stops/i dont want you like a best friend/only bought this dress so you could take it off." summary: ten months of yearning wears you and matt down to desperation. notes: smut, fem!reader (head warnings)

blank space - t. swift "so it's gonna be forever/or it's gonna go down in flames?/you can tell me when it's over/if the high was worth the pain" summary: your dad makes your life horrible. matt can make it worse. notes: angst, fem!reader, dead dove: do not eat (head warnings)

the lakes - t. swift "take me to the lakes/where all the poets went to die/i don't belong/but my beloved, neither do you." summary: your hearing aids run out of battery, and you're forced to struggle through a day of ringing ears and being deaf. matt helps, as he always does. notes: comfort, hoh!reader

moon song - p. bridgers "and if i could give you the moon/i would give you the moon/you are sick/ and you're married/and you might be dying/but you're holding me like water in your hands" summary: you hate that elektra and matt are getting married. will you convince him not to go through with it? can you? notes: angst, male!reader

born to die - l.d. rey "choose your last words, this is the last time/'cause you and i, we were born to die" summary: as matt murdock's wife, your life is rather full of surprises. getting kidnapped by wilson fisk takes the cake as the worst one. notes: angst, wife!reader, HEAD WARNINGS!

black friday - t. odell "i wanna go party/i wanna have fun/wanna be happy/could you show me how it's done?/ you look so pretty/pretty like the sun" summary: you have a list of things to do within a year of living in new york. matt helps you check everything off- oh, and you fall in love with him, too. it's not on the list, but you do it anyways. notes: fluff, fem!reader

false god - t. swift "but we might just get away with it/religion's in your lips/even if it's a false god/we'd still worship/we might just get away with it/the altar is my hips" summary: the night before your wedding, you and matt are starving. you want to order room service, matt wants to eat out. notes: smut, hoh!reader

we're in love - boygenius "will you still love me if it turns out i'm insane?/i know what you'll say/but it helps to hear you say it anyway." summary: when your past finally catches up to you, matt truly learns what 'in sickness and in health' means notes: angst, hurt/comfort, fem!reader

peace - taylor swift "the devils in the details/but you got a friend in me/would it be enough if i could never give you peace?" summary: tinnitus, buffalo chicken pizza, and objections. what more can you ask for from matt murdock? notes: fluff, hoh!reader

enter sandman - metallica "exit light/enter night/take my hand/we're off to never-never land" summary: you have a hard time sleeping. the devil has a few games in mind to tire you out. notes: SMUT!, fem!reader

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

Mortal Kombat 1

Johnathan Cage

you're the one - greta van fleet "you're the one i want/you're the one i need/you're the one i had/come on back to me" summary: you're johnny cage's assistant babysitter agent, and you're his opposite. and yet, he finds himself unapologetically into you. notes: fluff, gn!reader

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

The Last Of Us

Joel Miller

season of the witch - donavan "you've got to pick up every stich/oh no, must be the season of the witch" summary: you've lived in the small town of everbrook for a while now, and you thought nothing could shock you anymore. you're wrong. notes: fluff, witch!reader, monster hunter!joel

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

Five Nights At Freddy's

Mike Schmidt

lover, you should've come over - jeff buckley "my body turns and yearns/for a sleep that won't ever come/it's never over/my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder." summary: you get a tattoo, and it terrifies mike. mostly because he realizes how much you love him. notes: angst, gn!reader

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

Greta Van Fleet

Danny Wagner

fearless - taylor swift "run your hands through your hair/absentmindedly making me want you/and i don't know how it gets better than this/you take my hand and drag me head first, fearless" summary: daniel has been acting awfully weird lately. luckily, the kiszka brothers are on the case! notes: fluff, fem!reader

silver springs - fleetwood mac "i follow you down/till the sound of my voice will haunt you/you'll never get away from the sound/of the woman that loves you" summary: the three times daniel wants you, and the one time he gets you. notes: right person, wrong time trope, gn!reader

scott street - phoebe bridgers "do you feel ashamed/when you hear my name?" summary: he's your danny, even while putting the pieces back together. notes: hurt/comfort, gn!fiance!reader

Josh Kiszka

timeless - taylor swift "and sometimes there's no proof, you just know/you're always gonna be mine/we're gonna be/i'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray" summary: you decide to be kind after being cheated on. it spirals out of control, thanks to josh kiszka. notes: fluff, fem!reader

Misc.

question..? - taylor swift "can i ask you a question?" summary: you ask your boys the burning question-- the question you don’t know if you can live without the answer to. notes: fluff, prefrences

bound for n.y.c. - greta van fleet summary: as tour manager, it's your job to get the boys to new york city, your home town. just don't fall in love with them, or anything. notes: fluff, an experimental fic where i explored poly dynamics lol i hate this now i don't think its very good but oh well

To Be Continued....

[themultifandomgal]

Matt Casey- Fight For Us Pt1 (rewritten)

YN and Matt have been married now for 5 years. They have a little girl together who is the spitting image of YN, but has her dads mannerisms . They love one another, they truly do, but after their best friend Andy Darden died they drifted apart. YN Andy and Severide all went to school together. They've known each other since kindergarten and been best friends since. Matt really struggled with the loss of his Andy, blamed himself for his death, your best friends death, which led to pushing his wife away.

Things have been getting better for the pair and for the first time in 2 months they are finally in a good place again. Of course they're both still dealing with the loss of one of their best friends but they know that together they will get through it.

"I wish you and Kelly would sort out what's going on between you both" I sigh washing up the breakfast bowels while mine and Matts 5 year old daughter is getting ready for school

"Yeah well he's blaming me for Andy's death"

"I know and I'll speak with him, but we were best friends. All wanted to go through the academy together. If it wasn't for my asthma I wouldn't be a paramedic"

"The best paramedic" I pass the bowels to Matt to dry and raise my eyebrows

"Dont change the subject. Look all I'm saying is Kelly is angry, upset, hell we all are, but he needs to blame someone and if it's not you it will be himself. At least you can take it"

"Momma I'm ready" Ella calls from the hallway

"I'm coming" I call back "I'll drop Ella off at school. I'll see you in a bit" I peck Matt on the lips and turn to move, but before I can get to our daughter he pulls me back to him

"We're good aren't we?" he asks looking into my eyes

"Course we are" I give him another kiss then leave the house with Ella.

Almost immediately after I arrive at the firehouse we're on a call, a huge car accident has happened. I run over to one car where there's a little girl inside just a little older than Ella

"Hi sweetie I'm YN. Can you tell me your name?" I ask

"Madeline"

"Ok, listen, Madeline, I want you to see if you can

turn your head toward me" the little girl does as I ask. She has a huge gash on the side of her head. Once the mom is out I jump into the car through the drivers side "hey, your going to be ok"

"It's dumping gas" mouch shouts as the car in front starts to flam. Madeline starts to whimper

"We're ok. Look my partners coming now to help me get you out" Leslie opens up the door and starts to move the little girl out

"Wait. Her jugular" I take out my stethoscope "Muffled heart sounds.It's Becks triad" I give Leslie a worried look as she picks Madeline up

"Come on, sweetie" Leslie puts Madeline in the back of the ambo. I jump in with her while Leslie shuts the doors and speeds towards Med.

Thankfully we get her to the hospital in time.

"Was the little girl ok?" Ella asks

"Yes luckily she was"

"My momma and daddy are superhero's" this makes me chuckle. I glance at her in the mirror, she's sat in her car seat swinging her feet with a huge smile on her face. I pull up the the fire house when Ella asks "will grandpa be here?"

"Yes angel he will" I reply turning the car off and jumping out. I open up the car door and help her out of her seat

"And daddy?"

"Yes and daddy and uncle Kelly"

"Daddy and uncle Kelly don't like each other any more. Why?" Ella asks taking my hand in hers as we walk past the trucks

"They do like each other, it's just their jobs make it a little harder to be friends. Remember Kelly was my best friend before I met daddy"

"And uncle Andy" she stops and points to a picture we now have up of him. I lift her up into my arms

"Yes and uncle Andy"

"I miss him momma"

"I know, so do I. And. So does uncle Kelly and daddy. Which is why they are having a little argument now" I place a kiss on her forehead when I hear a familiar voice

"YN you best hurry up, Casey's cooking" Severide says smiling with hands on his hips

"Uncle Kelly!" Ella practically jumps out of my arms and into her godfathers arms

"You hungry little one?"

"Yes! Momma can we have some food?"

"Yes angle. Course we can" I follow behind Severide and see Matt behind the kitchen counters. Dad, also known as chief Boden gets up from the table and walks over to me giving me a hug "hi dad"

"I'll bring a plate over for you and one for Ella" Matt says to me grabbing 3 plates. Severide places Ella down and she runs holding my dads hands to sit next to him. I then watch the awkward interaction between Severide and my husband. Not only is Matt blaming himself for Andy's death, but so is my best friend. I look over at my dad for some guidance, but he just sighs and gives me a small smile

"I bet uncle Andy would have wanted us to all be friends" the room falls silent. Trust the child to make everyone uncomfortable. I watch as Severide takes an orange and walk out of the room "momma did I upset uncle Kelly"

"No angel. He'll be ok"

Later that evening were called out during the night to a building fire. Matt and Herrmann both are knocked out during their search but thankfully Kelly manages to get them both out with the help of the others. So the rest of our shift was spent in the emergency room waiting to hear how Herrmann is doing since he was worse off.

[midwinterwings]

I dont know my name or anything right now. I'm a new alter formed over the past couple of days and well.

Thats the thing. I got medicated for ADHD and my mind has quietened down and its so calm here. When I'm not stuck in the static of my thoughts, playing in several realms at once, I just feel like Loki. Right now anyway. Shifts do still occur but I find that unsavoury ones from alters who would take over for coping purposes, happen much less frequently. Its become kind of odd, actually. When interacting with the body's family and friends, instead of shifts occurring (I have no idea what happens when theyre in the same place. I feel only one of us is fronting and pretending to be the other one that would front to talk to a friend if family is also present) I kind of just stay me. Whoever I am right now.

Thats the thing. All of us are Loki. We're always Loki no matter who we are. Right now I feel more connected to the 'essence' of Loki, as I feel the flame flickering in my chest, nice and warm. But there's kind of a conflict because I want to put feathers in my hair and fly across cold plains which...I can't do that. Not in this realm at least.

I feel there needs to be a distinction between 'corporeal' - 'real world' - physical world, external world whatever its called, and the...er, other one. Incorporeal? Spiritual? I dunno. Yeah. Two things can be true at once. I've always thought of things as absolute - autism haha - so if one thing is true the other can't be. Because I like computers and gaming and maths and programming and doodling, it seems, well, kind of the opposite to what the fire in my chest makes me feel. When I'm more connected to my self as Loki, I think...pine needles for some reason or pinecones, that appeared somehow, and the opposite of tech, and falcons and swifts. Lots of swifts. Snakes too. Haha banana snake

Maybe shit isn't that deep. Maybe I can be two things at once. Well, three. Even though I'm the only one fronting right now.

Theres...me right now, kind of unknown name, maybe T(). Who wears modern clothing and has tech related interests.

And there's me right now who is the opposite of that. I'm Loki chilling out somewhere. It's either a mind palace of the past or me doing other stuff in other planes. Not sure. Completely different.

Oh and there's me in animal form. That's why I identify as a therian. I'm usually a snake, swift, falcon, or a shrike.

And these are true at the same time. That's the thing I've been struggling with grasping. If one thing is true how can that other thing be true? If im here and like these things and like this, how can I be pretty much the opposite in every single way, at the same time?

Answer: I don't know. But I do know that I operate in 3 planes default. (Not counting if im covering for another alter while they're off doing god knows what and theyre the one who made a friend who thinks I'm that alter so shit is really awkward and I just pretend it's me)

So I guess, 3 planes authentic.

1 plane (covering+masking plane) non authentic but still happening.

Before the meds I was operating on like...20 🗿 also, I couldn't tell which were intrusive thoughts and which were actual stuff that was relevant. So. 3 is perfectly OK.

So...tldr : stuff is weird. Very weird. It keeps getting weirder.

The more I realize what's going on the more I hate covering for other alters because now I know its not me my friend thought they talked to. In the past before I knew I was plural I got an odd bodily sensation like I was watching my body talk, like they were talking through me to somehow behind me and I'm just relaying info from the person behind me to them. Actually I think that's pretty accurate. I didn't understand why. I've only understood why more and more recently and...I guess, I'm angry that it is this way. Really angry. And because the body I live in is tainted with trauma, especially since I look like SK (first alter) it keeps triggering shifts to SK which is really annoying. Also I get confused and think I'm SK which I'm not. Also SK isn't really active, he kind of grew up a bit to Cleo, so...I feel Cleo ends up fronting every time I just...see a picture of my body's face. I can't express things well, even anger, in the external/physical/corporeal/'real' world because everything is twinged with trauma and one specific alter, some versions of Cleo, have been carrying us through for years and years and none of us know how to really exist outside of the internal worlds. I feel we will be able to with time, but its one of those problems that are relevant every second, every movement, just you can't ignore it and if its a problem it will continue to be a problem every moment. If you can't ignore it you deal with it. Oh and I'm trying to learn acceptance rather than problem solving. "Yeah this occurs. Yes it sucks. Yes its a problem. And that's OK. I dont have to try to solve every problem immediently, especially since its not possible, sometimes the solution is completely unknown to you right now, a new experience or perspective is needed. I'm going to live with it instead of feeling things that aren't desirable are villains to be killed. Theyre part of me. They make up bits of me. I can't choose the good bits and try to kill the bad bits. It's just not even true."

So, yeah. Gonna have to live with the fact that existing as of now is very confusing, uncomfortable, and weird. People are talking to other people and I have to pretend I'm other people and its frustrating and invalidating. My body is riddled with trauma and associations with the body's parent that are no longer relevant. Seeing it makes an alter who technically dosent exist anymore front - or try to. Or his thoughts bleed into mine. I dont know my name or my story. I exist 3 times at once. Annnd that's OK. It is what it is.

Written by T - 'Midwinter'

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

hey tumblr! hot tip!!! if you see people criticizing your fav actor/creator/celeb etc for a lack of support for Palestine and want to get big mad abt it:

ask yourself, deeply and truly, why this makes you angry. really. why does that make you angry? look in the mirror and ask yourself why.

Don't pull out the following terms: "keyboard warrior", "what have YOU done lately besides be high and mighty on the internet?", "double standards", "this is The Internet(tm) Of Course Words Matter More Than Actions", etc. because uh

NEWSFLASH DIP SHITS

THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO MAY HAVE

JUST POSSIBLY

DONE THINGS FOR THE MOVEMENT THAT COULD GET THEM IN LEGAL TROUBLE IF ADMITTED

HELD OFF POLICE AT COLLEGE ENCAMPMENTS

STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT TO HOLD SPACE

GONE WITHOUT FOOD SO THEY COULD AFFORD TO DONATE

GONE WITHOUT CHORES/OTHER NECCESARY TASKS TO MAKE TIME FOR PROTESTS

*SEEN THEIR FRIENDS DRAGGED AWAY BY RIOT POLICE*

*WITHIN THE PAST TWO WEEKS*

WAITED FOR THEIR FRIENDS TO GET BACK FROM FUCKING JAIL

AND STILL KEPT SHOWING UP.

UNTIL THEY WORKED THEMSELVES TO ILLNESS.

you dont know who I am. you don't know what I'm doing. at the same goes for anyone and everyone on this site. sure, maybe they're the soyjak sjw you're picturing, marinating in sweat and dorito crumbs while they sip boba surrounded by plushies and obscure pride flags, wallowing in self-centered hypocrisy

or maybe they're not. maybe they shaved all their hair off because they had too much on-camera recognition and feared being followed home by cops, like had happened to their peers.

maybe they've been manhandled and shoved by security and police recently.

maybe they're endangering the scholarships that are their only reason to live rather than stay silent on their college's ties to the military-industrial complex.

maybe they lie to their parents and family friends and ANY older friends about where they are in the evening because they know that the truth could destroy those relationships

maybe they're Jewish and struggling to understand how their community can be so unable to see the reality of the situation

I'm not saying I'm doing The Most Ever, or even that I'm doing a lot. I'm not, not by my community's standards, not in comparison to my friends and peers, and especially not currently as im dealing with finals. I'm just showing up and doing what I can, even though it isnt much.

and I'm not going to assume that anyone saying this bs ALSO isnt doing anything for the movement

maybe you are! if so, thats great!

but fucking think before you speak because you have literally no idea who you're talking to or what their life is like. even if you're doing The Most Bestest Possible Ever for the movement rn, online and off 24/7

you have no right to pass judgement based on what you ASSUME about a stranger.

you have no right and no reason to think that anyone who "complains" online is thus inactive irl, in fact that makes literally no sense.

if you're really about genuine activism and radical action and support of this movement. why are you being a dick to people for speaking out?

and if you're not. if you just think that we're a bunch of whiny hypocrites looking for a reason to get on your high horse....

then man you are just a waste of life im sry idk what to tell u. get off tumblr, do some research, change yourself. "get better soon bestie" or something idk i dont even have words for that kinda brainlessness.

I'm just saying, I don't think the cops, or the president of my university, or the security and event staff at (REDACTED) would call me a "keyboard warrior" lmaoooooo

[hella1975]

theo's weekend story time (it's kind of long, sorry)

friday: after a 10 hour bus trip, i get to the city at like 6pm and have to catch a train to the city station, so i haul my duffel bag with my weekends worth of shit in it all the way down the bus terminal, up a flight of stairs, and down a different flight of stairs to get to the train platform. i cannot find the ticket thingy, a lovely woman informs me that they are upstairs and i must have walked right past them, so i trot my dumb ass back up the stairs, buy a ticket, go back down the stairs - at this point im SWEATING bc im wearing three jackets bc it was cold and raining when i left my home town

i get on the train, i get to the city station, i am now on part two of my mission: get to the underground station. the trainline i was on doesn't go there directly, but the two stations are connected so i CAN walk there but i dont now where the fuck im going so i go up the stairs and ask the first person i see wearing a uniform "hey do you happen to know how to get to [city] underground from here?" "i sure do!" "...can you tell me?" he gives me instructions, i repeat the instructions to make sure i heard them right, i head down a different set of stairs and immediately forget half of the instructions but i can't go back and ask again bc i'll look like a dickhead so i just wing it - i go down the next set of stairs, looking for platform 5, i see the sign and follow it up more stairs - dead end. i ask someone in a uniform how to get to the underground, they tell me to go back down the stairs and turn left, i then say "i was so close" out loud, thank them, and go back down the stairs. i FINALLY end up in the underground station, where i proceed to wait for my friend until she finds me. (at this point, after all of the stairs and the several layers and the large bag, i am dying)

it starts raining while we're waiting for the bus, and then i had to dig through my pocket for change for a bus ticket and held up the whole fucking bus for like 5 minutes before finally sitting down. we get to my friends uni, she drags me to the dining hall where i get to met her school friends and THEN, gloriously, i am asked the most beautiful question: "oh, you're writing a book? what's it about?"

and i don't think i breathed for the next like. five minutes.

we get back to my friends dorm and build a bed for me on the floor (it's a sleeping bag), and thus starts my life as a criminal

saturday: my friend has a committee meeting to go to, so i literally just hung out in her dorm by myself all day - had a nap, ate some skittles, did some sewing and some writing, very productive. she finally gets back at 4:30.

we get dressed up as pirates, take a bus to the train station (i once again struggle to pull together enough change for a bus ticket, we are also both carrying two bags each + a gift bag for our friend), we get on the train and then have to take another bus so we're standing at the bus stop and this couple start having the most batshit argument and it's mildly scary and mostly hilarious and then the woman bumps into my friend and we both just freeze bc we think we're about to get dragged into it but instead she just apologises and then HE apologises and then she's like "don't apologise for me" and then they're getting into it all over again, finally the bus comes. i am ONCE AGAIN struggling to get a ticket bc i have the worst luck with buses (this time it's bc we can't remember the exact stop we need to get off at) meanwhile the woman throws a bike helmet at the man except her aim is shit and it hits me in the back of the leg instead and by the time i sit down im trying so hard not to burst into laughter

now, the thing about the friend i came all this way for, is that they live in a really awkward area, so me and the friend im staying with get off the bus and have to walk for half a fucking hour while carrying all our shit - we stopped halfway just so i could text our friend that i was going to kill them - and by the time we get there it's 7pm. we left at 5:20. i was sweaty, puffed, and exhausted.

another thing about this friend is that, we got mistaken for each other a lot when we were in high school - like i spent my first two weeks at a new school hearing about this other kid that i apparently looked exactly like, and then we met and somehow ended up friends, and it's been a running joke ever since - especially bc we're very similar personality wise and after this one time we both walked out of separate rooms to discover we were wearing the exact same jeans (which we had both diy-ed, they weren't even store-bought, we just made the same pair of jeans)

so i get to this pirate themed party, and i'm standing in the kitchen, and the friend-i'm-here-for walks in and we just pause. look each other up and down. and just go "for fucks sake" because we'd miraculously managed to wear the same fucking thing in different fonts.

i get drunk <3 on an empty stomach <3 the horrors set in but i am so brave about it <3

i am given a matress on the floor (an upgrade from the sleeping bag)

sunday: me and the friend-im-staying-with are the first awake, i scare myself with my reflection (pale, eyeliner smudged down my cheek bone, half my hair falling out of it's bun), i drink two cups of coffee while watching my friend-that-im-here-for power clean (they refused any offers of help), finally we all get dressed (there are five of us, we are the main group, 4 of us went to high school together and the other is K's boyfriend who is now our friend) and we head out to get food! i got a chicken and avo crepe and it was really fucking good actually, and there was some random kid dressed as chainsaw man running around which was just. brilliant.

the friend-im-here-for drives me and the friend-im-staying-with out of the city to her parents house (where we are staying tonight) and bc the drive was long we got to just talk about anything and eerything which was nice bc it's hard to actually catch up with someone at a party, so i'm glad i got to actually hang out with them yknow?? they dropped us off, and i've upgraded again to an actual bed <3 then i got dropped off at my aunties, and i got to catch up with her and then my grandma came up so i got to surprise her! and then my aunty offered to drive my back to my friends instead of having my friend pick me up, and then we detoured to get maccas, and then me and my friend watched ghost files and now i need to go to bed bc i have to get up at a ridiculous hour (i mean technically i don't, but the more anxious i am about something, the earlier i have to be prepared for it)

and yeah!! so the 10 hour bus trip was honestly worth it, bc the vaguely chaotic events of this weekend was everything i should've expected from this lot, and hopefully i'll get to see them again on my birthday bc they all said they're keen on coming down so yeah. very happy, very fulfilled. thank you for listening <3

theo 0 : public transport : 1

[builtlikeastickofcelery]

get up cocksuckers were personalposting on main !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can literally and viscerally feel the end of my relationship coming??????????????????????????????????? and like,,,,,,,,,i knew it obviously bc we're young and were pretty different but DAMN i did not think it would Hurt like this bc it never has bc i never emotionally attach myself (to romantic relationships specifically on purpose!!!!!!!!! like jesus christ we should be similar on paper but no !!!!!!!! our senses of humor are completely different and that is the only way i know how to connect with people !!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck am i supposed to do????????? and theyre always telling me i shoulld probably get a therapist, or get medication, etc etc and !!!! i cannot do those things!! i have tried!!!!!!! but i dont want to say that to them bc their last (really really shitty ex) was the type of person to say things that were obvious cries for help and then brush them off for some sort of attention and i have been repeatedly told that there is nothing i need treatment for by doctors !!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know what to do.

also its fair to mention that they are Pretty White and have a very different family dynamic to mine, which, despite being very minimally east asian is still pretty east asian, and also that while both our families are solidly upper middle class they live in a higher income area of our town super close to where the rich rich people live and constantly refer to/make jokes about it being better (not on purpose and i don't think they get why it bothers me a little). i dont know how to talk to them about this without sounding like a nepo baby trying to convince the public they were a struggling self-made actor. and ofc if it falls apart itll probably be my fault bc i dont know how to talk to them about things that bother me bc i dont want to be like their shitty and weird and creepy ex (who is in one of my classes and is constantly trying to make eye contact with me and tried to get my number as well).

i like them a lot, and also crushed super bad on them for 6 months before we started dating and two years ago when i met them i sort of liked them aswell, but more and more im realizing that i dont even know if i wanted to be with them or just be them -> be whiter (i have JOURNALED about this!!!!!!!!!!!!) especially when i realize that were different in too many ways and also that i dont know how to be emotionally vulnerable with them specifically bc of that!!!!!!!! a lot of their friends rn are slightly not stable (or really not stable) and i dont know how to say any of this to them without fucking up their mental state. not to mention that october-december was a really shitty time for them last year and also that i dont want to be the one who ends things because i still really super like them but at the same time sort of resent them for having things i want??????????? but not when im with or near them only when im getting insecure in my rroom which has been happening a lot for some reason!!!!! also two of their very close friends (one is a mutual friend of ours but she's closer to them) are both really weird about us dating at least to me, like the mutual friend lied to me about them not liking me for seemingly no reason right before we got together which significantly delayed it and the other.......i dont even know she jsut always gives me weird looks whenever she sees me and whenever i take the bus with them they sit together and she locks me out of the conversation. i also dont know her very well, so idk.

plus my partner has a weird habit of not engaging with me at all whatsoever (as in having a conversation with another person while also sitting fairly far away from me or not talking to me at all annd staring at their phone) but then being annoyed when i dont try to join to conversation or engage with them. its also fair to note that they are allistic and tbh as someone with a lot of adhd/autistic tendencies (i sort of Suspect myself of audhd but i can never be sure) it actually affects the relationship for me which is insane bc usually i dont Feel it like that. like im fairly certain i mask ??????/ (again no clear diagnosis other than family history of being undiagnosed w/ something) and while i dont mask around my close friends i do still mask, even if its not as heavily, around my partner, who ive known longer than some of those friends. the only time i wasn't masking in some sort of way while we were dating was a day when i was so drained i also ended up sleeping on their couch for like thirty minutes bc i could barely stay awake. i just dont know what to do. in the past ive usually been the person more innvested or into the relationship and i can almost feel that happening again and i dont know why or how.

anyway no pressure t9o reply or annythhing to tthis i just nneeded to get this out into the air

[sunny6677]

My Little Spooky Month: Season 1.

(An MLP X Spooky Month Crossover Fanfiction)

(Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that this could be considered cringe-worthy. But I personally do not care, for I like writing about my interests. And I like writing crossovers. If this type of stuff isn't for you, you can always scroll past.)

(Oh, other disclaimer by the way. This takes place after the first and second episode, counting the part 2 of the first episode, of MLP.)

Summary: A portal transports a few citizens of the town in Spooky Month into a land that would change their lives forever.

Chapter 7: A Kind Pony.

TWS: NONE.

————

Surely enough, as Ross glanced his head to the source of where his mother's voice was coming from, he saw something he normally wouldn't expect. A peach colored horse, with the same hairstyle as his mother as its mane, and even having the same hair color as it's mother. It had a short tail, tied to two tiny yellow beads that matched what his mother's ponytail was tied down in. It's eyes were a yellow color.

Though that wasn't the only thing. There was another horse, but it was smaller. It had a dark green fur coat with a similar hairstyle to Robert, and it even had the same hat he always wore. Even its tail matched the hairstyle Robert normally had.

Then, his mother's voice slipped out from the peach colored horses muzzle. "S—Son?" She sounded terrified, as if she didn't know what to do. It was his mother. He muttered in a tone that held disbelief, "..m—mom?"

Then, Ross looked over to the horse with wings. It only finally clicked inside that it must have actually been Robert. "Then.." Ross muttered. Robert looked up from where he laid, and upon seeing Ross, Robert's pupils became small and shook with great shock. For he could not process what he was seeing, or why he was even seeing it. Ross didn't even know himself why they were suddenly ponies, or what had even happened to them.

Why had all three of them been ponies all of the sudden? It didn't make any sense.

"D—Dude..?" Robert stammered. Ross's mother, Jaune, looked over to where Robert was. And then, she let out a shriek of shock, not exactly able to process why she was seeing a talking pony with wings that resembled Robert before her. Or why she was seeing a talking pony with a horn before her that resembled her son. Ross began to panic, sweat trickling down his face. Robert let out a scream as well and attempted to back away, but he could not. For he did not have fingers, but instead hooves, and only fell onto his back.

"What the—you're—" Jaune looked back over to Ross, "..s—son, I—"

"Whats going on?! Why are we ponies?!" Robert yelled the question that Jaune had most likely wanted to ask. Ross stuttered back, "I—I dont know!" It was true. He didn't know. And he didn't think he wanted to know. But he was always the calm one in situations. Perhaps he could calm them down, and try to discuss with them why they all three suddenly looked the way they did?

"Wh—Where are we?!" Jaune stammered. "I don't know about that either, mom. Just—just calm down. We're not gonna figure out what's happening if we just keep screaming—" Ross tried to say, attempting to keep his tone of voice as steady as he could as not to alarm either Robert or his mother. But his voice wavered, and he sounded as if he were about to collapse into a shaky fit of hyperventilating himself.

Robert, in his own panic, shouted while forcing himself upwards. "How do you not freak out in a situation like this, dude?! What's going on?! What happened to us?!"

Ross tried to speak over Robert's panic, struggling to stand on his.. well, hooves. "I really don't know, man! I—"

The two began to try and talk over eachother, unable to hear the other over their own panics. Though Ross's panic remained internal, and Robert's was external. Jaune tried to join in the conversation, wanting to calm them both down. But her voice was unheard. The three of them were completely panicked. Neither of them knew just what to do in the situation they were suddenly thrown into, and they didn't think they would know what to do.

It was then that Ross could have sworn he heard quiet footsteps from behind him. But he thought he must have been hearing things, so he kept yelling. Then, Ross and Robert felt themselves being pushed away by Jaune's hooves. "Just calm down, both of you!" Jaune yelled. The two finally went silent.

Jaunes expression quickly softened. "Look, I'm sorry, boys. I'm sorry for panicking so easily too. But we should really just try to find out what happened. Do any of you remember anything from when you were in the portal?"

Ross paused. As far as he knew, he remembered nothing. Robert slowly said, "Uh.. no. I don't think I do. It just suddenly appeared and—"

...more footsteps were heard. This time, they were loud enough for the three of them to hear. This time, Ross knew he wasn't hearing things. Something was there with the three of them.

The three slowly glanced to where the sound was coming from, and saw a curious sight before them. A pastel yellow pony stood before them, with a light pink mane that was long but flowy. It's eyes were an ocean blue color, and Ross could have sworn he saw some sort of symbol on both sides of its flank. In fact, the symbol seemed to be.. three pink butterflies? But why? And it even had a pair of wings attached to it for some reason,

The pony looked at them for a moment, and the three stared back in shock. The pony didn't resemble anyone they knew from the town, so who was this? Was this anyone at all?

The pony then spoke in a soft-spoken yet feminine voice. It said, "Oh.. oh my.. I'm sorry.. I didn't know how to get your attention.. all three of you were just arguing so much, and I didn't know what to do.."

Ross, despite his anxiety, said: "..arguing? We weren't arguing." He looked up at his mother, and then at Robert. And then back at the pony. The pony's voice sounded weirdly pleasant to listen to. But at the same time, he didn't even know who this was. Or if the pony was from the portal at all.

"You weren't? Oh.." The pony dipped its head downwards, casting its head down at the ground to look away from the three. "..well.. I'm sorry for that too. But.. why were you three yelling?" The pony began to walk toward them, though it still looked away as it did so. "...i—if you don't mind me asking."

Jaune, Robert and Ross looked at eachother for a moment. And then, Robert spoke up this time, but a bit hesitantly. Neither of them knew if this pony could have possibly been a threat or not. Even if it did look rather unthreatening. And it sounded rather unthreatening too. Robert said, "...well, we fell from this portal and.."

Jaune interrupted slightly, asking, "..did you fall from the portal too? Are you from the town?"

The pony paused, looking puzzled but somewhat shy. "Oh.. n—no. I don't live in a town, and I certainly don't remember falling from a portal either. Is that what happened to you three?"

The three went quiet, before slowly nodding. They said stuff along the lines of, "...yeahhhh.." or "..yes..".

"Oh my.. well, I hope it's not too rude to ask, but.. do you remember why the portal might have showed up? I don't know much about magic, but.. do you think somepony might have cast a spell or something?" The pony inquired. Somepony. That must have been it's way of saying 'someone'.

Jaune slowly said, "Well.. no. We don't have any.. magic in our world."

"In your world? So.. do you mean that you three come from another universe?" The pony asked gently.

The three only slowly nodded, unsure of how to give a verbal answer.

"What.. what is this place?" Jaune then asked.

"Well.. you're in the forest near my cottage. But theres a village called Ponyville nearby." The pony answered.

"...okay. But.. why are we ponies? Why are you a pony?" Ross questioned.

"...what do you mean by that? Isn't everypony a pony?" The pony said, confused. It's expression then softened, and it added, "..oh.. I'm sorry. Is.. is there a chance that you might not have all been ponies before that spell was cast?"

Robert answered, "Uh.. yeah. We weren't ponies at all before we were sucked in by that portal."

"Oh dear.. do you think everypony else, or.. anyone else from your town might have got sucked in too?" The pony inquired, now seeming a bit more surprised. Clearly, this wasn't what it was expecting.

Ross paused. "Yeah.. there were a lot of.. err.. there were a lot more than just us in the town whenever the portal appeared." He was trying not to confuse the pony, not wanting to have to explain the concept of humanity to it. He found the possibility of him being drugged hanging in his mind, but he brushed it off. This felt too real. Something about it all felt too real.

"I see.. well.. I don't know if it'll help, but.. what if I take you all over to a pony I think might be able to help out with what happened to you three?" The pony tried to ask. Though it dipped its head again, saying shyly, "...that is if you all want to."

"Wait.. really? You'd do that for us?" Jaune asked, now beginning to smile a little. Clearly, she was just relieved that they were possibly receiving help. Even if it was from a talking pastel pony with wings for some reason. The pony merely nodded in response. "Oh, that's sweet! Thank you so much!"

The pony smiled softly again, saying, "..i—it's nothing. I'm just helping somepony in need. Or.. someone." The pony corrected itself, raising its hoof slightly. It then slowly turned around, saying quietly, "Um.. well, why don't I lead you on over to where that pony might be? She's really good with magic, and she might even be able to find a way to send you all back to your home."

Robert grinned, and Jaune did so as well. Ross's face remained neutral though, and he kept no emotion on his face. He was a little surprised the two people that were with him were trusting a random talking pony so easily. "Yeah, sure, girl!" Jaune smiled. Already, she was calling it girl. Great. That was how Ross always knew she had formed an attachment to someone, or at least when that someone was a girl. Judging from the ponies voice though, it was probably a girl.

Jaune tried to walk foward, but she struggled, her hooves wobbling. Ross backed up a little, and Robert merely moved a few inches away. Jaune had sort of forgotten that she was a pony now and had to learn to walk like one. Yes, she could push things away. But for her, it felt as if she were crawling on all fours now. And she didn't know what she'd do without fingers or toes.

The pony looked on at the sight, and said over the grunting of Jaune, "..um.. are you three not used to walking like a pony?"

Nervously, Robert replied as Jaune continued to struggle, "..no.."

"Oh dear.." The pony muttered to itself. It then mumbled, "..well, I think I know what to do. But it might make the journey a bit slower. Not that I'm trying to slow any of you down of course.."

Ross looked at his mother, and tried to place a hoof beneath her, supporting her upwards so she wouldn't keep nearly falling face first over and over again. He looked at the pony, and sighed. "Well.. it might be easier than having to teach us to walk the whole way. What did you have in mind?"

The pony mumbled in thought. "Hmmm.."

[2 minutes later.]

The pony had made Ross and Robert stand on both sides of it, and had flipped Jaune onto its back(after a few minutes of struggling and trying to get Jaune off its wings so it could lift them upwards.). "Okay.. are you sure you're both ready?" The pony gently asked.

Robert and Ross slowly nodded, unsure of what it was about to do.

Then, after glancing at them both... Robert felt a limb wrap around his waist, and as did Ross. Then, the both of them began to feel as if they were being lifted upwards. Surely enough, they were somehow being carried by the pony. "Okay.. maybe you three should hang on. This might be a bit of a bumpy flight. Um.."

"Uh.. okay." Ross quietly responded. He couldn't hold on in this position, but the only thing he really could do was just lean onto the pony. Robert did the same, letting out a few noises of struggle. Jaune clinged onto the pony with both of her hooves, fully prepared for what was about to happen.

Then, the pony began to float upwards, its wings flapping slowly. The pony was going to fly them to wherever the pony would help them with their situation was. Ross widened his eyes, clearly not expecting this. But as the pony began to fly over the trees, he quickly realized that this pony was a bit of a gentle flyer. Maybe this wasn't as bad as he was going to expect it to be for a literal flying creature. Tree leaves rustled as the pony flew over them, though not too much. Ross had to admit—this was cool to look at. And even Robert seemed to think so, for in amazement, he exclaimed, "Yooo... this is sick!"

Then, Jaune suddenly asked over the light winds, "..uhhh.. so.. what's your name?"

The pony hesitated. "What? Oh.. um.. I'm.. I'm Fl.."

...neither of them could exactly hear it.

"What?" Jaune asked again.

"I'm.. I'm Flutters.."

"...can you repeat that again?"

The pony then practically whispered in an anxious manner, "..I'm Fluttershy!..". Well, it's name certainly fit it, that was for sure.

Jaune then awkwardly said, "Uh.. okay.. well.. I'm Jaune. The one with the horn is my son, Ross. And.. the other one is his friend, Robert."

Fluttershy softly smiled. "..we—well.. I think those are lovely names." Then, she continued to fly toward wherever the presumed pony was, not even acknowledging the lack of symbols on the threes flanks.

————

Lila had been sitting in the same house for a while now, her son sitting beside her. Spike hadn't been doing much—and had merely just begun to pick up random things whenever Skid finally stopped trotting around the place. Lila was starting to wonder if there was even a way back home for them both. She hoped so that there was a way back home. And if there wasn't... then what was she to do?

"Um.. Twilight.." Lila spoke up. Twilight had been looking at random books for the past hour now, mostly ones on portals and magical dimensions. Though she had been finding nothing.

"Yes, Lila?" Twilight anxiously asked, seeming a bit nervous. Lila had to admit—she hadn't seen anyone or any pony for that matter look that close to a breakdown before. A line of sweat dripped down Lila's face at how nervous Twilight seemed.

Lila slowly tried to pat her sons head with her hoof, but she failed to do so, for he put his mask back on anyway. And it was impossible to pat anythings head when you had a hoof of all things in place of your hand. She opened her mouth again to speak. "Do you think that.. there might not be—"

Then, something happened. A loud crashing sound was heard from the entrance of the house. Lila's head snapped to where the noise came from, and so did everyone else's. A pink figure had suddenly rolled in, along with three other oddly familiar ponies. In fact, Lila's eyes widened once she had recognized at least two of them. "...P—Pump? Susie?". And some male pony was there that she could have sworn looked familiar, but she wasn't sure if she had seen such a person that had features similar to it before.

Skid smiled in excitement upon realizing it was Pump, and he immediately dashed foward before Lila could stop him. But then, the pink pony suddenly stood up, and yelled at the top of her lungs, "Twilight! You won't believe what these ponies don't have!"

"Wh—What? What don't they have?" Twilight anxiously asked. She was filled with too much anxiety to be rational in the moment.

It went silent for a moment, and then the pink pony stood up as Skid and Pump looked excitedly up at her. The pink pony grinned, and said, "Well, they don't have cutie marks.. but they have the spooky month!"

Then, as if in sync—the pink pony, Skid and Pump began to somehow perform the spooky dance despite being ponies. Music was coming from somewhere, but it was uncertain where from. And all three of them smiled up while throwing their limbs from side to side, looking as happy as could be.

Twilight stared in confusion, and as did Spike. Lila let out a groan. Just what was even going on anymore?

////////////////////

E

[circular-bircular]

asking for some advice maybe, idk. hope you're ok with this ask and everything. i've known about my system for over a year now (and actually known its called a system that is, there was stuff long before that i knew about) but lately ive just realised some things and im just trying to work out if im making up things here or if denial is just getting to me. like some stuff i can believe easily but other things im doubting and i dont really know what to do. i feel like im making up most of us because it seems like a lot of us only are around a few times before going dormant and i dont know why. parts will show up, be around for a bit and then disappear not that long after. its not at all uncommon for that to happen and i don't think ive seen anyone else with patterns like that or if there is any reason for something like that to happen outside of being mistaken about those parts existing to begin with. it feels like we have almost no consistently present/non-dormant parts. i've been looking over stuff and i think thats been our pattern for a long time now. i guess i'm just curious if you have any advice or some way to help work out why thats a thing or maybe even an explanation. again sorry if this is a weird ask or something, thanks if you do answer.

i hope you're having a good day, and if not i hope it gets better for you

Heya! Glad you felt comfy enough to reach out. Prefacing all of this with a "I am not a professional, and my suggestion will always be to seek one out if at all possible, as they will always be more educated on this topic than I will be, as I can only speak to my own research, personal experiences, and what I've heard expressed by others."

I'll also side note that I'm writing this from a CDD perspective. I can't give you much help on the endo side of things, if that's what you're looking for -- just my support!

With that outta the way:

While I've never heard of anyone with your situation, I don't think that's beyond the realm of normality. I think it could happen. But if you think you might have a CDD, I urge you to look beyond the alters and look at all of the other prevalent symptoms.

Do you experience amnesia frequently? Do people comment on your poor memory? Do you regularly find yourself not recognizing people you know you should recognize?

Do you often feel stuck in a memory, perhaps of something bad, perhaps not, and then find yourself "returning" to the present? When you think about your life, how much do you actually remember from the moment, and how much do you only remember because it's what logically should've happened, or someone told you what happened?

Do you feel detached from your body or your emotions? Would you ever describe yourself as "numb" to things, including feelings, pain, or even identifiable trauma?

Those are all just questions I've asked myself in this journey.

Really though, I'll say what I say to everyone questioning: So what if you're wrong?

So what if you don't actually have alters? So what if you don't actually have DID? Does that actually change much about your current situation?

If you feel you're a system, focus on grounding and analyzing yourself. Figure out your symptoms and maybe look into therapy and/or self help techniques -- my therapist often uses DBT skills with me to help me process my turbulent emotions, and that's helped me a lot.

If you step back from system spaces and realize "Hey, actually, I don't think I am a system"-- Perfect! Glad you're figuring yourself out more. But it sounds like you're still distressed by what's happening and struggling, so you should still look into therapy and/or self help!

Regardless, you are welcome here, and you know this community will try to help you. We're all survivors here <3

[scaryarcade]

Hopefully this is okay to disscuss this kind of thing here. But in my own (and still on going) discovery of my plurarity ive found myself in a weird spot in DID/OSDD community where i relate to the some or most experiences of being a system but still feel like the way symptoms i DO experience is "wrong".

One of the examples i could give is criteria for DID/OSDD being "having repeated trauma before 6-9 years of age". But the only traumatic major event i can recall that started to affect me was at 11 years old. Before that age i almost zero memory from that period (which is terrifying on its own tbh). And from 11-13 i started devolping BPD and was probably the beggining of fragmatation of my identity/personality. My own dissociative spectrum feels more on then "just BPD dissociation when in stress" but still less severe in what you see in pwDID who have seperete identities. Though, lurking through your blog (im normal trust me /j) and knowing about "median system" did resionate with me a lot. I still feel like a huge imposter because i "dont have the worst trauma ever and have total seperate identities that make living hell", i for sure am disordered plural/system but i feel guilt when being plural doesnt completely ruin my life like it does with a lot of pwDID/OSDD. I am aware i probably have it better in this aspect of mental health in this community but i want to hear and knlw more about atypical/nonstereotyped way of living with DID/OSDD. And your blog gave me that comfort/closure i looked for so long lol. So honestly thank you for creating this little blog i appreciate you adding unique experience/opinions to the community a lot!!!!

I hope my ask is understandable and sorry for any errors i might have put here 😭😭

(Also im fucking losing it over the coincidence of sharing the same name/pronouns/age-range/interest ☠️☠️)

hi!! thank you for the ask + hell yes name twins!!! LMAO

i really appreciate you taking the time 2 share ur experience. there are a few things that came to mind while i was reading ur ask. this is not meant to imply you need to change how you view yourself/selves, but since you mentioned feeling like the way you experience symptoms is "wrong", you may find these things useful to know if you didn't already:

you do not have to recall trauma before the ages of 6-9 to be diagnosed with DID or OSDD! actually, you don't have to recall any trauma at all to receive a diagnosis.

anecdotally, there are a lot of people with DID who do not experience clear, rigid separation between parts/alters

also anecdotally, a ton of trauma survivors (especially those with complex and/or developmental trauma) struggle with imposter syndrome and feeling like they have it better than others.

i frequently feel guilty like i'm invading spaces/taking up resources/just generally don't belong in places for trauma survivors because "other people have it so much worse". this is a pretty normal way to feel, but it fucking sucks, so i'm really sorry you're dealing with what sounds like a similar feeling. i think this is what happens when we have been forced to spend a lot of time rationalizing the bad things that happen to us. mentally, we have to normalize and minimize our own trauma in order to endure it. so it's a lot easier to look at someone else's experience and go "wow that's horrible and traumatic!" than it is to do that with our own.

happy 2 hear that median terminology resonates with you!! it definitely was immensely comforting for me when i found a term that encapsulates the often REALLY confusing experience of, like. "we're separate people we're the same we're different from each other yes we are no we're not <3".

i'm rly glad to hear my blog has been a useful resource for u. i hope you know there is no threshold of suffering that you have to meet in order to deserve resources, support, and community. you belong here!

[clown-cars-blog]

o/ Hello again, wanted to offer our own advise about disclosing your system to a therapist because weve had to do it a few times now ourselves. Believe it or not most therapists now a days want you to just say it to them, all three of the therapists we told recently had the same reaction when we lingered for weeks and weeks and finally told them maybe a month or so in and every time they would say "why did you wait so long to tell me?" Now, weve been threw so many therapists not because they dont believe us but because none of them understand at all how to treat DID and one even flat out told us she had to transfer us to someone new because she just didnt know enough about it. So far in our therapeutic journey the only time a therapist told us they didnt believe DID was even a real thing was all the way back in 2015, most therapists now adays (prob because of the "trends" and "popularity" of it) at least know what it is and are a bit more informed about it. Honestly, the stress of worrying if your a system or not, while so very valid, is not a feature of DID. I kinda hate that denial criteria for DID because on one hand while denial is very common among systems and can aid in disassociation its also not a symptom that is consistent. The goal honestly is to kinda stop feeling denial at some point and we slowly have been reaching that point ourselves but is easier or harder for people depending on so much, namely how much shame you feel from yourself and your peers. ALL THAT TO SAY! If you feel your a system just say that "Hey, we have DID, can you help with that?" instead of "Do I have DID can you tell me I have it?". The genuinely worst casanerio is you get a new therapist if the one you have isnt helping you. And if your wrong about being a system? Thats okay too, its not a moral failing at all to simply be mistaken but to me it sounds more like you KNOW your a system and looking for a therapist rather then looking for a diagnosis. Also having DID is far more then just being a system! Having a list of what impacts you daily and what you need help with is really all you need. Id also recommend getting a therapist who has at least worked with a system before cause honestly our biggest issue is simply lack of knowledge and experience. I hope this ramble helped! Sorry if not and good luck!! Despite it all its still a scary thing to do for the first time so I do wish the best for you!

First off, I would love to thank you for your response! It was really insightful and made us realize a few things about ourself. Second, I get what you're saying. We're just nervous to say anything to our therapist because we're afraid of the switch that will most likely happen. Our funds for therapy come from our mother and she will definitely ask questions if she was told to switch therapists. And we know that denial is not a part of the DID criteria. It should be mentioned definitely to new diagnosed people because it's such a huge part of the disorder and it's brought up a lot in system communities. Third, this ramble really helped. We do experience symptoms that are related to DID, it's just that alters are more familiar with us. We struggle with dissociation, the ptsd, amnesia, SH, etc. We're just not very open about it, and I feel like we should. Anyway, thank you for your rambles. I love listening to others!

~Dylan

[harmonicunt]

i rly cant see myself as separate from the primordial soup. every flaw i see in others is a reflection of myself, every joy too. every cruelty, all kindness. so many people see themselves as leaning towards one or another, but thats wrong, isnt it ? we're capable of all, in our own particular ways. youll pin yourself & doom growth if you put yourself in one corner.

narratives about who you are are mostly about who you think you are--and the thinking is only one fractal of it. i think ive been afraid of defining myself by the "doing" part of my existence because for so long i didnt feel like the "doing" was anything important or interesting or fulfilling. i didnt have language to show what it was teaching me, what it really meant--it was all isolation, and boredom, and rage. it was that, and it was more, and now that im still doing many of the same things alongside that which i truly want, which i find self respect in, which i am fulfilled through, i can see how i could've used different language to spin it in a different light, to be less lonely and afraid of myself. as my story evolves and changes each time i tell it, as others' stories of me grow (and i learn to listen to them, and trust them), im open to all the ways i hadn't seen before, and i understand how blind we are to who we are in one particular moment. reflection must come second.

thinking & doing are two pillars of our selves, pillars we learn to build and tear down and build again. i'm trying to figure out where our control over those pillars lie. i know there are more--we are more than what we think and what we do--and i know we can change and reshape them, but the first shaping is amazing to begin with. is the first shaping the one everyone else does when we're young, and we don't know how to do it ourselves? or the one we do when we emerge, when we look at how our pillars been formed for us--a necessary evil, unfortunately,--and we decide that it should be something else, something that belongs to us? some people never make their own, and i think many of them are very unfulfilled. each one is unique. the idea you can control it utterly, shape yourself into anything you want, is partially a false narrative, addressed by the fact that at first we have no control over what shape it takes. then, i think almost everyone finds there is an immutable self they can never put a finger on, no matter how long they circle around it. you repaint, and carve in new grooves, and add height or branches. you circle around a self you won't know until you've found them. we have many methods of circling around to the self, of seeing what fits with the pillar we think we want to create, and then adjusting when we realize that's not quite the look we thought it'd be.

i've employed a few strange ones through my life, one of the most curious that i come back to often being kin & kinning. a sort of pinning that often felt like a chicken/egg situation, even while i was in it i found it fascinating. what i was and what i wanted to be and what i thought i would be (i was kinning when i was 12-16ish, so i wasn't much of anything but a ball of energy and wanting) merged together into these grand pulls to characters who werent necessarily favorites but made me fucking insane because of what of myself i saw in them (sometimes it still happens, but it's gotten weirder and more specific as ive aged, and harder to explain or project to others who dont already know me.)

i dont know where im going with this. can we ever know ourselves if we dont know who we are to others ? if we dont listen to what they say about us? it feels bad when someone doesnt take what youve said about them, compliment or criticism or neutral, seriously. people who ignore compliments or use them to insult themselves, and people who ignore criticism and tell themselves that they are the best at something you have been struggling with them for, convincing themselves that the problems they run into are external and eschewing responsibility. how far can we push our own self actualization before collapsing? how happy can we convince ourselves we are, not knowing the joy on the other side ? what tells us that we're miserable in the shape that's been built for us? why do we all seem to forget from time to time that everyone else has been using the same scale of time that we have been to build theirs? why do we flatten them to the pillar we see in one moment, inconsiderate of what came before ? it's self-centered, and that's seen as very dirty, but we can't be anything but self-centered when we're only in our own heads, right ? generosity, consideration, kindness, respect, so much of that is in the eye of the beholder. what we think of as universally decent can make another think of us as deeply annoying, even rude, culturally or personally. idk. we're all the same and we're all different and it's weird and i could add questions and ponderings to this forever but ill stop here. i love you.