#all my chronic pain GONE
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being stoned fixes everything actually
#all my chronic pain GONE#weed is genuinely the only thing that has ever completely gotten rid of my awful anxiety chest pain#even my meds can’t get rid of all the chest pain#it’s due to tension and no matter what exercises and breathing I try I can’t get rid of it#whoever said anxiety doesn’t have physical symptoms I want u to try sleeping with an elephant on ur chest and see how ‘non-physical’ it is#also dw im being conscious im not addicted and im a careful bean :)#do what makes y’all happy and give weed a try if nothing else works#but be aware it can make anxious ppl more anxious (in my experience this has only happened when i got high off my meds)#mooing#stoned cow tag#tw weed
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*wheeze* slowly, but surely, working on art of them all
#bg3#myart#wip#I want to make every tav/companion pairing I have a dedicated. fancy piece.#these started with a concept for a wyll drawing that was very...storybook! inspired.#I would have been done all the linework for these two pieces by now had my weekend gone better :/#I was violently unwell for...about a week and a half? chronic illness bullshit. had started to feel better friday of last week...#...unfortunately fate had it that the weekend ended up being particularly stressful. so the pain returned anew.#it was. somewhat better today. but still not enough for me to really be productive in my free time :(#I will try to complete the linework tomorrow if all goes well. I really would like to start colouring them!#I have delightful colour schemes chosen...#gale/illamin piece has already been sketched in a notebook. once I finish these two- I will begin lining theirs!#illamin's connects to cadence's because they're intertwined like that. but I have yet to finish planning out cadence's piece.#I've gone back and forth on who I should romance with him...the thing with any of the companions is that they are all written to be-#-immensely compatible with each other. so writing a tav FOR a specific companion is a bit hard. often the tav could fit with any of them.#hell. I'm STILL working out details of jantar and corydalis' story & characters. because I can't be normal about this.#that aside- I DO have other. finished pieces...finally.#well. I had some long before... but I didn't want to post them because I wasn't happy with them.#so I went and finished new stuff that I DO like.#4. technically 5 drawings. all horror/horror adjacent in theme.#my extremely detailed hux painting is also NEARLY done. after months upon months of work.#and I continue to slowly chip away at the big scifi themed dbd piece I've had in progress.#I really never run out of things to draw and it's a bit torturous because I never have the time or energy to draw everything...
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Genuinely healing from law school i am starting to feel sooooo good there is light in my eyes
#it's only been 2ish weeks but#already my weight has gone back up which is really good#my acne is clearing up#and my chronic head pain has decreased#coincidentally im sure!!#anyways tomorrow i am starting my FITNESS JOURNEY 🤪🤪🤪🤪#after doing fuck all for my body since like june#i want to get strong & flexible so i can start taking dance classes again when i move. big things happening
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I hate that lately my body's response to its chronic pain is "time to become super nauseous for hours, especially when moving!"
stupid body, what is your problem! you should be used to this by now and ignore it, not try to make it worse! you only had chronic pain issues for 3/4 of your existence. it should be nothing at this point. stop being a useless baby and throwing a fit and adding new things on top of it!!!!! 🫠😤
#chronic pain#lee rambles#why am i so baby about pain and cant just always ignore it and keep working. why am i instead suoer exhausted snd nauseous#the only choice is ignore it. pain meds do fuck all and i have to mop all this snow and salt mess at work#its 1am and im suppsed to leave by midnight and i have mopped half a room and cant keep taking breaks. i hate this useless body#im also sorta dizzy and lightheaded from my asthma not being gone yet from being sick so that doesnt help either
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unstoppable force vs immovable object
aka my adhd need to pace the apartment 20 times at 3 am vs my severe lordosis and back problems screaming at me in agony
#bleh#fuck u spine#and fuck u HRT weight gain#(no shade to the actual weight & no shade to hrt v v obviously. just shade at my body being so broken that gaining any weight Fucks Me Up)#i've gained 50 pounds in 18 months and it has physically curved my spine even further bc its all in the stomach area#it is a Problem#i've gone from a cane to crutches and now need a walker#why must body be so garbage#why must bones not work and muscles go on strike every other hour#fuck u meat-suit#anyway#i want my spine to be stretched out like a slinky#but alas i must Suffer instead#diary#lordosis#adhd#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#IMPORTANT NOTE SO I DONT GET BS ANONS: this is not the fault of hrt. my body has been extremely fragile / broken my whole life#whether i gained weight from HRT or a diff natural cause or something else altogether this still would have happened#and if i didnt it still would have happened anyway bc my lordosis is progressive and gets worse by the year#dont come at me with any fearmongering transphobic nonsense#i will lose my shit
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can't wait until my brother moves out next month
#he has no concept of sharing he's all individual. wanting to be alone in the living room when he's been down there all day and taking up#all the space and time in the kitchen despite knowing I haven't been able to cook. he's acting like he already fucking lives alone#like I know my presence never really matters especially not to him but jesus fucking christ#and he's only working five days out of the next two weeks. god I need him gone call us both selfish. I told him to tell me when he'll#need clothes and I'll have them ready for him but he ignored me so honestly nevermind. I'll just wash mine & anything he wants#done he can do it himself. forgive my bitterness I can't stand how much he can't stand me and how he's been treating my dad#like he's the laziest person ever because he hasn't fixed a damn door yet. my dad with a cracked spine and chronic pain#he's just the most ridiculously selfish person ever & I love him he's my brother but I can't live with him for much longer#praying for his future patients. take care of yourselves some of the most evil people I know are studying psychology etc#log
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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i’m someone who sees things in like constant shades of grey and i quite often try to see the light side of things and i think i’m constantly reminded of all the great stuff i have in my life. also i am full of gratitude all the time and also every time something bad happens to me i’m like yknow what this makes sense🫶 all these bad things suck but they lead to so many amazing things i’m hyper aware of the butterfly effect. so uhm i’m a pretty resilient person if i do say so myself. so today when i came to the realization of OH. i’m having a BAD YEAR!
#literally got picked on by a prof in december that like momentarily zapped all my curiosity for everything academic#family stuff that actually makes me wanna die so bad#a couple ocd episodes that made me go insane#severely boring winter semester#my cat got sick and i drained my entire savings account#BROKE AS SHIT#also the fucking emotional stress of having my new cat get critically ill and almost dying#insane arguments with my mom realizing i don’t feel comfortable in my home <4#down bad severely down bad for a man#non stop work my life is non stop deadlines#two back to back courses that like took over my entire summer didn’t get a break at all#didn’t get the internship i wanted more than life itself#(which ended up being a positive but still)#underemployed up until three weeks ago#MENTALLY ILL!!! STILL#constant chronic pain and nausea that is unexplained#lost enough weight to see my ribs cause i couldn’t fucking eat#all my friends gone this summer#just feel blue so often#so many amazing things happened this year and i am excited and i still love life#but damn i feel beaten down like a dog#oh and did i mention the ongoing stress of watching your people get genocided through the internet :)#the absolute erosion of identity that like you already felt so disconnected from#as you watch the place you yearn for more than anything get completely nuked off the earth :)#and actually your moms homeland isn’t enough they need to start bombing your dads homeland too ;)
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Day probably-twenty-something-time-isn't real: this flare is not going the fuck away. Still shitting blood. Meds aren't helping. Getting less able to stomach anything. Pain is getting worse. Can barely stand long enough to shower. Probably time to do a blood test and go to the doctor now.
#i don't wanaaaaaa#bc agoraphobia + executive dysfunction + money + hurts too much to move + 75% probability mfer will tell me to pop a painkiller huehuehuehue#inflammatory bowel disease#my sister: 'that doesn't make any sense. if you're in pain even after meds you should go to the hospital no?'#sometimes i forget that having gone no contact for four and half years means she has no idea what chronic illness is supposed to be like#(and then I remember i went NC because she didn't believe i was really sick for the years before that)#tried to explain that all the meds do is keep the inflammation manageable‚ make flares less frequent‚ and less intense than would be#and that this IS less intense than it used to be#i don't think she got it#ow#chronic illness#spoonie#ulcerative colitis#knee of huss
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okay, you know when you make a discovery about yourself and then you go through somewhat of a "mourning" period right after? like I have no idea if there's a name for this or not --
like when I came to terms with the fact that I was not neurotypical, it was a bit of a mindblow initially, and then I spent the next few days and weeks after having "Oh that explains this aspect of my childhood" moments 3x a day, and I remember I also had to process a deep sadness cus of what my life could have been if I had gotten the help I needed earlier in life, and all of the times I was yelled at for being "lazy", or a "weirdo", or abandoned for being a bad friend, and perhaps I could have achieved things if I wasn't left to paddle and drown by myself? And then I learned about MASKING and oh my god I had to basically rediscover who I was when I stopped trying to perform in certain ways only to please other people or fit in, and once I did that it was basically torture to mask again because I was now so aware of it?
Y'know?...
So... I think I'm going through the same thing now, but with my chronic pain instead.
#it's been a very rough couple of days#once I stopped for a second to really pay attention to my body I started to realize I'm never really comfortable#never devoid of pain#and I don't think much really actually changed in the physical aspect of it#but now that my brain knows it's possible to live without pain it just yearns so much for it#but thinking of going after a diagnosis just makes me think of all of the doctors I've already gone through#and all of them dismissed or ignored my pleas in some level#so i'm discouraged to even start#god i'm so tired......#spoonies#mental health#chronic pain
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Always fascinated by family dynamics where there's actual respect and grandparents and/or parents who are admirable.
#mine weren't terrible but they were meh on a meh scale there's isn't a meh scale for it#while young they did *astonishing* things all so smart etc but were smacked with the trauma+chronic pain+dementia stick hard#and i was a really late-born child in all instances so they sort of housed me and paid for schooling and were otherwise-#-things I mostly ignored#even my brother and sister were so much older than me they were just kinda people who were around for a bit then left#i do think my 'young' self eg pre 8yo got the true benefit because I had stability and a 10+ person family#but by 10yo they were all away with the fairies or gone and i just learned not to expect anything outside of minimum life-safety-net duties#this is prob why i gravitate to partner-dynamics than family dynamics; or a focus on the [character-partner] as parent rather than-#-character as child or character inter-family relationship#mostly because man i have no idea what family dynamics *are* forget healthy/unhealthy just what the fuck *are* they?
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Howdy! Just dropping in to say all the genetic tests came back negative and we are expecting a little girl 😊
This pregnancy is ridiculous and tiring but??? Here we goes!!!
Edit: I see some of you have sent me lovely asks and I'll try to get on soon to answer them. Thank you I love y'all ❤️
#sorry I've been gone so long I'm just?#so soooo tired all the time#not able to take any meds but what controls my BP and diabetes blows#it's migraines and chronic pain 24/7#otherwise i am okay and i miss y'all
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Quick blanket-statement for anyone who is thinking of sending me messages:
I am fully aware and conscious that there are problems with every Star Trek.
I understand the ongoing issues with racism, sexism, and a number of outdated ideologies. TOS-VOY (which are what I watch, other than the movies) are all products of their time and incredibly dated in many ways, and it’s wonderful that people want to point out the flaws and issues and discuss the varying ways that Star Trek could have and should have done better even for its time.
But let me make this clear: Star Trek (TOS, TNG, DS9, and VOY) are my comfort shows. I am autistic and they’ve been my special interest for a long time now, and I cannot stress enough what that means to me. I watch them to be happy and to find a sanctuary away from the constant stressors of every day life, especially since I struggle with anxiety and depression.
I don’t want to talk about everything wrong with them. I just want to focus on the best aspects of Star Trek - the stories, the characters, the relationships. I want to talk about fascinating science-fiction concepts and the beautiful way Star Trek tried to bring important social issues to the table. I want to talk about found families who love each other, including all the ways they are strange and unique and different.
I know that there are problems and I am not ignoring them entirely - I just need a space to focus on the good things.
So please for the love of god, I don’t need people to question whether or not I’m aware of the racism or the sexism, I don’t need people coming after me because they don’t think I should enjoy specific characters, and I don’t need to be hounded about every little issue that ever existed because a bunch of (mostly) Cisgendered White Men were writing stories before we even reached the 21st century.
#personal#I'm not mad at anyone right now#I'm just burnt out and exhausted#been sick lately and my chronic pain has gotten REALLY bad#because I moved to a new goddamn state#and had to unpack a million heavy boxes#about a dozen times#all I want is some nice friendly people#to talk about my love of star trek with#all I want to do is yell my love of it into the tumblr void#even if no one yells back#just let me have this ONE NICE THING#when my life is fucking falling apart#and I have no goddamn friends to even share in my problems with#and all the stability i used to have#of a familiar home and a familiar town#are all gone#and as an autistic person#that's a huge fucking deal and a burden on me
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one thing strange about being chronically ill, with fluctuating ability, and growing up poor, and then being slightly less poor as an adult, is that like. growing up, you kind of learned how to just, deal with your chronic pain, right? maybe you took some tums and some ibuprofen or acetaminophen when it got bad, or you found out that a heating pad helped, but that was about the extent of it.
and then, as an adult, you found yourself with a job that let you afford to get that $14 pillow for between your knees when you sleep on your side. or, you let yourself buy that knee brace, the brand name one, too, because the off brand one didn’t have specialized pressure points and you hoped the extra $3 for the brand name would be worth it, maybe the specialized pain needs specialized aid, right?
you also, over time, invest in a couple forms of mobility aids, telling yourself it’s okay, that even though you don’t need them every day, that on the days you do, it’ll feel better to have help— and you find that they’re invaluably useful on the days that you need them, making tasks that before, were just straight up not an option during the severe flares, something you now can still have the option of doing. it’s still not easy, per say, but doable is a huge difference.
maybe you even see a doctor for your chronic illness, and it turns out that while there’s no daily treatment or remedy, there’s actually a medication you can take during the more severe flare ups that helps bring you closer to your baseline again!!
and like. suddenly these aches and pains, these radiating discomforts have these mitigating measures that you hadn’t even known existed— through no fault of your parents! just that as an adult with more money than you had as a child and with the power of agency to self-advocate that your adult self has, suddenly there’s Options TM for dealing with the pains. everything isn’t fixed but having mitigation measures is still wonderful!!!?!?!
anyways all of this to say, this isn’t even anything life threatening or requiring intensive care but it’s amazing what having a few more $ can do in terms of providing your body with comfort and tools to help you navigate your ongoing pains. and all this to say especially that this is one of 1047583939919483 reasons why medical care and medical aids need to be free, because tools to lessen the pain someone experiences in life shouldn’t be on a pay-to-play basis, my teen body was no less deserving or in need of assistance than my adult body, both of them deserve to have the access that adult me has, and people in every economic situation deserve to be able to lessen their pain and find tools to provide relief for chronic illnesses. this stuff should be accessible to everyone.
#personal#idk just reflecting on Stuff TM#like oh my god this knee brace is amazing??! the way it helps with that ongoing pain when I wear it?? presses just the right pressure points#finding tools specifically meant for helping the pains you have is. incredible and everyone deserves access to that#also my chronic illness and pains are like by no means *gone* lol they’re still here but. like.#having tools that take it maybe from an 8 to a 6 is still. Significant. and incredible. it gives you more spoons to get thru ur day because#less spoons are spent on the pain itself yknow? anyways#medical aid and assists and everything needs to be free and accessible to everyone bc everyone deserves to lessen their pain ♡#ideally I’d love to live in Star Trek society where everything is free because money no longer exists and medical care is literally availabl#to everyone everywhere at any time and with no judgement:’) but that’s a separate conversation and until we get to Star Trek future this#would be a massive improvement still yknow c#also this post didn’t even address it directly but this 10000% also applies to adult me being able to afford a psychiatrist and get my adhd#meds which have improved things 1085858282x truly incredible#that should also be accessible to everyone too btw. everyone deserves mental health care and help w/ their health of all kinds
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when im having a good pain day and im like WOAH im cured? i maybe made it all up!
and then half an hour later i get stabbing pain in my ovary like hey helloooo did you forget about meeee ?
#endometriosis#jaz rambles#chronic pain#in a sick way its a reminder that im not making it all up#i think bc i was in agonising pain for a whole month and now its calmed down i feel a lil dissociated bc the pains gone#my body is like ? how do we know we are real now???
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Okay a bit of a personal rant, but it is so immensely frustrating to have so many clear medical issues whether they overlap from the same cause or not and be unable to understand WHY they’re happening and how to stop them while also having no one at all taking you seriously
Like I don’t think it’s normal for me to periodically like every two weeks or so have migraines so horrific radiating pain from the center of my forehead and the nape of my neck so badly that I can’t sleep and feel like moving will cause me to vomit from how painful it is, making me so nauseous it feels hard to breathe too
I am 18, I shouldn’t be having joints that stiffen when I stop moving for 5 minutes and that click when I move, nor should my knees just y’know super easily slip out of place when I’m just trying to walk normally and not fix themselves for a while, forcing me to feel that main and discomfort as I walk. For gods sake, I have gone to the ER for Sciatica, and after consulting an orthopedic doctor, I learned the reason they gave me in the ER for why it was so bad I couldn’t walk was BS so now I have no idea what the cause is
And that’s not mentioning the weirdness in my legs and left arm where sometimes, they’ll ache so badly so painful while radiating heat and making it feel as if my skin is too small and it’s horrible and it’s throbbing pain and it comes and goes with no reason because it’s never sparked by injuries either, it just happens and I’m stuck with dealing with it
And my fucking gut health, like I don’t eat the best and my mom too has a “sensitive stomach” but when I eat things that are fine, my body still has these horrible reactions sometimes and all it does is leave me with no energy, just laying in bed all day feel horrific and in turn, making my leg issues worse?? Because I can’t stand up for more than an hour, I can barely sit down for an hour, and I can barely lay down for long without my legs getting all messed up and I’ve done physical therapy but schedule conflicts and money have put a stop to that
I’m just so tired, I’m so tired p, I want the pain to stop
All they’ve told me about my leg issues is that “Ha you have hyper mobility” and I definitely do, but I dunno I don’t think all my leg issues are solely “a minor case of hyper mobility” especially when my physical therapist in the past was able to move around my vertebrae with her hands very easily when she tested it
Aorry if this is incoherent and sorry for rambling about personal pain stuff, I’m just a bit out of it from how painful this migraine is, my eyes hurt and I can’t sleep this sucks
#i have no energy#im always in pain somehow or in some way#nothing changes#things barely get better#no one takes my pain seriously#my mom thinks i just want to act like a patient sometimes#i just want a solution#i just want the pain to go away and to feel healthy and normal for once#i want to figure out what i have#but i have no idea where to start other than hyper mobility#i dont know how else to check my symptoms whether theyre all related or different#all this pain doesnt help with all the me tal health issues i have too#anxiety disorder depression recurring autism adhd#its like i have barely any energy to begin with and i can barely direct it#and then boom bam wap the little energy i had is gone bc mom used too much oil for the chicken#any medical advice#i know it wont be professional#but like personal experiences would help if anyone has them#im so tired#chronic pain#medical advice
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