#all i now is cry and wish i was dead

[lesbiantrish]

so true beth latimer no one will mourn u when u die

[thebirdandhersong]

Lol

[fablexdreams]

Sometimes I think I'm happy in life...then I think about how proud Arthur would have been of John in the Epilogue, and It all goes downhill from there-

[acourtofquestions]

Chapter 89

I just finished Chapter 89

[wulfhalls]

.

[thebusylilbee]

just woke up and.. immediately started crying because of content of the dream I just had... it wasn't a "nightmare" in the typical sense but it made me so infinitely sad... I feel so pathetic and useless right now I've never felt this miserable this fast after waking up

[secretintoxxx]

im taking a break.

idk when ill be back. im turning off reblogs on my challenge (and replies if i can) and wont count any asks unless they contain an actual question or message.

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[djevelbl]

I'm tired of trying to rummage through the dwindling search results just so I can maybe find something new to read — I've been in the fandom for years, I partially grew up with it, it's basically part of my identity, it carried me through some of my worst years as of now, and it's horrible to see it slowly die day by day. It's no one's fault — after all, I get why people would want to leave, and why they'd want to erase every trace of having loved these characters, the internet isn't forgiving once you've fucked up; there's no nuance and no mercy, so I get it.

But I'm not ready to leave yet. I don't think I'll ever be.

I want to keep growing alongside these characters, I want to live as they do and smile when they do — cry and laugh and feel whenever they do. Yet now I have to come to terms with the death of this fandom, the one that saved me (for as dramatic as it sounds) and the one that cradled me when I needed a hug. The one that made me feel a little less alone in what I loved, the one I wanted to explore until I died.

I have to come to terms with it's death, I have to come to terms with the fact that one day I won't have any new stories to read. I don't think I can do that without breaking.

The thing is: there's no other fandom that has grabbed me this hard — this fandom felt so versatile, so malleable; we could write about space the same way we could write about fantasy and superheroes and its canon. We could write about the olympics and dance academies and slam poetry, and no one would bat an eye; it feels harder to do all of this with other characters. I haven't found anything to fill the void this fandom is leaving, and I fear I never will — I know it's only been months, but I thought this would last forever! I thought I'd keep growing alongside it and I know this must sound stupid, some random person on the internet mourning an online community of all things, but it helped me: I felt held and accompanied whenever I opened a new book, I spent days imagining what my favorite characters would do in whatever story I was thinking of writing next, I started so many books that I'm not sure I'll ever finish writing, and somehow I don't mourn those the way I mourn the fandom as a whole. I felt seen in a way I never quite did in real life, because in the community there were other people who shared the same passion for the characters that I did, and I didn't have to explain it all to them so they could understand — they already did! They created and lived and grew up with it the same way I did, and for once I hadn't felt like the odd one out of the group, the one with the weird interests that no one cared about because they were inaccessible to others.

And now it's fucking dying. And now I gotta mourn it all

I feel aimless, like I'm just drifting through the motions — I never had much going on, still don't have a lot going on (hell, I probably have even less going on right now) and I know that doesn't help me in moving on. Maybe I need to start going to therapy again, maybe this is just the denial in the grieving process — but I'm tired. I finally had a taste of how it was like being within a big community that understood me and got what I liked and enjoyed the same things as I did, and I don't wanna go back to being isolated in my interests.

And to think this whole... I don't know man, thing spawned out of not finding many books I wanted to read. I feel dumb. I feel pathetic. I'm sad and angry and so heartbroken. The null sleep I got through the night is probably not helping. I should go to sleep I think

[vani-ash]

having so many feelings about dff ep 7

[eiko-chatter]

.

[zhinee]

looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,

[deephooks]

its wild, the impact someones digital journal can have. i was shown what i am and what im not, the arteries of connection, changed and grown, i laugh and cry and wonder and wander. in awe, taken. youre a part of me now, and i need to exist and take up space and make art with you inside me so others can see you too

[mainfaggot]

just got over with my spring breakdown. next season's mental collapse will likely take place in July/August...

[jarvis-cockhead]

.

[mashupofmylife]

random old guy from the fire department texted me this afternoon to say that he's been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic and liver cancer, wished me fair winds, and signed off

apparently we met right after the crash, but i clearly have no memory of that. almost a decade later, he recognized me in an ACLS recert class he was teaching. a kind comment made me think he was fully aware of the entire shitstorm i was caught in and i became a mess all over him. twice.

shit