#after getting a job which often makes me physically tired. it does not take that long to check for verification when i am home

[sejarcus-archive]

Some fluffy modern Sejarcus scenarios and headcanons, that have been on my mind:

(Premise: in these Sejanus is not an early bird at all, cause so many cute scenarios can be born from that)

Their morning cuddles usually end with Marcus trying to get up to start the day and Sejanus not letting him go, wrapping one arm around his chest and leaving repeated kisses on his shoulder, while mumbling to please stay in bed a little longer.

After Marcus is done applying moisturizer on his own face, he asks Sejanus to face him and delicately applies it on his, too, but he can’t help himself and keeps leaning in to give him quick kisses, before pulling away to actually look at what he’s doing.

Sejanus takes charge of the cooking most of the time, seeing that he’s a bit more experienced and really enjoys it, as well, but in the morning he’s always too tired to function, so preparing breakfast is a task that falls on Marcus. He really doesn’t mind, he’s good at it too, and while he’s not as passionate about it as Sejanus, he has no problem cooking. The real problem arises on days when Sejanus manages to get up from bed at the same time as him, ‘cause while he’s trying to get everything ready, he clings to him from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his head against his shoulder, and following Marcus’s every step around the kitchen, making it so difficult for him to move and heightening the probability of either of them getting burned on the stove or the hot pans. But saying that it bothers him would be a blatant lie.

(This is just me trying to spread the koala Sejanus agenda)

Sejanus mostly follows his ma’s recipes that he grew up with, but sometimes he likes to venture out of his comfort zone and experiment with combining ingredients in new ways. He has a lot of fun doing it, but is always scared that Marcus won’t like the dishes he makes. But Marcus always responds so enthusiastically to them, praising how good they are and asking him so many questions on how he made them, what ingredients he used, how he achieved those textures and flavors. Sejanus still gets butterflies at Marcus’s sweetness and thoughtfulness, even after years of being with him; Marcus gets butterflies at seeing Sejanus so happy and talking with his eyes all sparkly and a smile so big, but still somewhat timid at the praises and attention.

Marcus does some sort of manual labor job, which makes it so his back and shoulders are often sore. Sejanus takes it upon himself to help him, by giving him massages most nights before bed, even when Marcus tells him he doesn’t have to, that he’s fine. But Sejanus loves how both his body and whole demeanor start to relax under his touch, it makes him feel good in turn, knowing he’s helping Marcus feel better. Plus he loves physical touch too much to let an occasion for it slip by, and Marcus is the same, so he doesn’t really insist on not needing it.

Marcus gives Sejanus massages too. He works as a nurse and has to stand for hours during his shifts. When they're both home in the evening, Marcus takes Sejanus’s feet on his lap while they sit on the couch, and massages them as he listens to him vent about his day.

For a while Marcus worked at a job in which he had to bring his lunch from home. Sejanus took charge of the meal prepping and packing, insisting that it helps him destress. He would put a little note with each lunch, reminding Marcus he loves him, or wishing him a good day, or writing little inside jokes and scribbling doodles on them. Each one felt like a warm hug to the heart for Marcus. He kept them all and put them inside a little wooden box that now sits in his night stand’s drawer.

Sejanus gets a slight pout when he’s upset. It’s not that noticeable if you don’t pay attention, and he himself isn’t aware of it. Marcus, on the other hand, is extremely aware of it and one little look at Sejanus is enough for him to know he’s upset. He finds it very cute, and thinks that if Sejanus was to ever look up at him with his huge eyes and that slight pout, and ask him to cut his own hand off, he would do it with zero hesitation.

Marcus’s absolute favorite jacket is a vintage leather jacket that fits him like a glove. Sejanus’s brain short circuits every time he wears it (he wears it a lot).

They fight for hours over who has to make the phone calls, ‘cause neither of them wants to. Somehow, 99% of the time, Marcus is the one giving up first and doing it.

Marcus genuinely thinks Sejanus is the funniest person on the planet (he is). Everyone could tell he was into him, because of how hard he laughed at his jokes. Similarly to this, Sejanus only ever gets super giggly around Marcus, and everyone could tell he liked him because of that.

Sejanus likes to sit on Marcus’s lap any chance he gets. They are that couple at a party. You turn around and you see them sitting at the edge of an otherwise empty couch, Sejanus on Marcus’s lap, with his arms around his neck, and they just keep whispering stuff to each other and chuckling and kissing. Marcus loves whenever Sejanus sits on his lap, ‘cause he can wrap his arms around him and hold him so easily, which is his favorite thing in the world.

And since we’re on the topic of Marcus holding Sejanus, I’m gonna add here three headcanons that I had shared in the tags of a post on sejanusarchive some time ago:

Marcus can’t help himself from hugging Sejanus whenever they’re in the same room, and he accompanies each hug with a very essential and mandatory kiss on the head.

Sometimes, when Sejanus is feeling tired or lazy, he uses his tall, strong boyfriend privileges, and asks Marcus to carry him. Marcus pretends to be annoyed by the request, to tease him, but the fond smile on his lips, that he didn’t quite manage to conceal, gives away the fact that he’s actually very amused and endeared by it.

Contrary to Sejanus, Marcus is an early bird. In the morning he is super active, waking up and getting ready for the day with no problem and in no time, but having to help a very sleepy Sejanus get ready faster or else he’ll be late. At night the roles are reversed. When 9pm rolls around, Marcus is already falling asleep, fighting with everything in himself to keep his eyes open, while Sejanus is the most energized he’s felt all day, and just keeps yapping and yapping to poor Marcus, who really wants to pay attention to what he’s saying and is trying very hard to, but his brain won’t let him.

Sometimes when they cuddle, Sejanus climbs on top of Marcus to lay completely on him like a baby otter does with their mother, and jokes about sleeping like that the entire night. Obviously he doesn’t, ‘cause it would be too uncomfortable for both of them after a while, especially for Marcus, but he can still dream for a couple of minutes.

When Sejanus was a child, he used to watch romcoms with his ma all the time. From them, he learned that gifting flowers is one of the most romantic gestures out there, so he grew up internalizing that. On his first date with Marcus he felt shy and nervous, and didn’t know how the flowers could have been perceived by him, so he didn’t bring him any. But on the second date, with the confidence of how well the first one had gone and how sweet and gentle Marcus was, he brought him the most beautiful bouquet ever, with flowers in all shapes and sizes, and colors of the rainbow. Marcus was incredibly surprised and flustered; no one had ever gifted him flowers before, and he had to fight the urge to get down on one knee and ask Sejanus to marry him then and there. After years together, Sejanus still brings him bouquets of them every once in a while. Marcus still feels like he could explode with love each time.

[eastgaysian]

it is just unfathomable how actively cruel people will choose to be because fundamentally they dont view brown people as real humans with lives that are worth something. awesome 👍 i think some of you should die 😁

[dreamerinthemoonlight]

Genshin Cuddles HCs (Cyno, Tighnari, Xiao)

I am having a huge burst of creative energy. I should be going to bed but NO! I will think of cuddling with the genshin boys. This is going to be weird. Awake me takes no responsibility for what sleep deprived me does. Reader is assumed to be short because I am and this is a self insert, hehe;  slight angst in Xiao's (I mean, it's Xiao)

A/N: Good gods, I really was tired when I did this. I had next to no formatting, a childish Authors note. To anyone who read this on my other blog, I am really, really sorry. I won't promise it won't happen again, so I'll apologize in advance for any future instances of sleepy posting.

I did my best to extent Tighnari's a little. Our fox-boy deserves more than a few sentences

Cyno x gn!reader, Tighnari x gn!reader, Xiao x gn!reader

Cyno

Mr. Serious Mahamatra is actually an amazing cuddler

He's a settled person so he's not going to fidget and squirm. He could probably cuddle for hours if you both had time.

Spooning is very much a favorite. Especially if you've had a long day, the two of you will lay in bed. He'll press himself against you back, wrapping his arms around you and pressing his lips into your hair. Even though he's one of the smaller Genshin guys, he's warm and radiates this steady, grounded energy. Being the little spoon makes you feel safe and cared for. More often than not you fall asleep when spooning.

On the other hand, when Cyno gets home after a long mission, you'll curl up on the couch with his head on your chest

After the darkness that permeates his job, your heartbeat represents light and life and goodness. He values the time spent listening to your heartbeat just as much as he values rules and justice. It's a balance he needs and he knows it.

Tighnari

You know how kittens will curl up in little piles, facing each other and all and it is really, really cute?

Yea, that's you and Tighnari

You'll kinda burrow into each other and he'll wrap his tail around your legs

He'll even yet you scratch his ears while he pets your hair. No sleeping really ever happens like this, but it's so relaxing you might as well have taken a nap

If you're cuddling because you had a really bad day, you two might spoon, or you'll sit on his lap while he holds you and lets you pet his tail.

If you happen to fall asleep while cuddling his tail like a stuffed animal, he's fine with it, but is glad there's no one around to take a picture because that would just be embarrassing.

Xiao

Xiao is probably so touch starved it's stupid

Once he starts getting physical affection and serious cuddles, he realizes that he actually really needs it not that you mind

Like Cyno the type of cuddles depends on the situation

He's not as into spooning, though it does happen especially late night when you're tired and ready to sleep. I think he really wants to be able to see your face and even in Teyvat physics don't really allow for that when spooning

Instead, when you're the one who needs comfort and touch, you snuggle up to his side and he wraps his arm around you. As usual he doesn't say much,  but with Xiao, he really lets his actions speak for him

When he needs the comfort, he tends to want you on his lap where his can bury his face in the crook of your neck. He wraps his arms tight around you like he's scared to let you go.

It's all you can you to stroke his hair or gently rub his back. Just like his actions speak louder than words, your actions are more likely to reach him than platitudes, though you make sure to use your words as well. He really could use them

And sometimes you're just in the mood to cuddle at which point it depends on when and where. His head in your lap, yours in his, honestly, all he cares about is being able to see your face and be in contact with you

[gay-dorito-dust]

Can i request headcandons of the spiderverse Boys with a shy nurse reader who is constantly tired? Being nurse and spider person is a physically and mentally demanding job and i think that would be nice see more spiderverse content, but if u don't want to make this request i understand

A/n: I’m sorry Most of these are either short cuz I didn’t know what to put for them or come across as a carbon copy of the other in due to me not knowing what to put there instead🤣

Miles sympathises with you wholeheartedly.

Trying to find a healthy balance between being a nurse -an intensive and highly demanding profession- and being a hero was definitely a challenge that had detrimental affects upon one’s mental and physical health.

Miles would affirm you with his words of praises and encouragement all the while holding you tightly, wilfully being your personal pillow/recharging station that often times he’d catch you fall asleep against him because his presence was that warm and comforting to you that it lulled you into a peaceful sleep.

Miles deeply admires your dedication to saving people not only as hero but also within the medical field. But he often does worry that you work yourself to the bone trying to find a way to perform both tasks without having them overlap one another.

There do come days where it all becomes a bit too much as your body grows sick and tired of your constant negligence and choose it’s way of rebelling by refusing you any sort of mobility of your limbs. Your mental state also tanks which only made your want to move even harder as you didn’t even have to willpower to make it so.

Miles would be a major source of comfort during these moments as he would remind you of all the achievements and accomplishments you’ve made during your tenure as both hero and Nurse. He’d probably have his music on as background noise whilst he’s taking the time and effort in making sure you’re as comfortable as possible.

Things he most often says are;

‘You have done so many amazing things and your only just getting started! How cool is that?!’

‘You’re an inspiration to not only the people you save on a daily basis but your also an inspiration to me as well that I even made art about you. Here, take a look!’

‘Don’t beat yourself up over this, you always get back up and hit them twice as hard because that’s what my y/n does, for my y/n ain’t no quitter, they’re a fighter.’

‘Bad days come to pass because the better ones always remain.’

‘Rest, I’ll take over from here.’

‘You’re not alone in this because I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right here to catch you when you need me to.’

Pavitr would, If you let him, smother you in affection and cuddles but to the right amount so it doesn’t cross the border where it could potentially get annoying.

Which with Pav, it never does because his hugs and cuddles were the best and yet to be topped by anything or anyone because they are superior.

Plus they brought you warmth and comfort that you can’t help but bury yourself into his neck after a shit day in hopes of forgetting all about it as his hand rubs your back soothingly whilst also fighting the urge to just fall asleep then and there.

Also this lad would just spoil you with small gifts as to show his appreciation for you even though he does so quite eloquently enough with his words and his actions that this was merely the cherry on top.

Due to Pavitr being more able to read people then most, he’d notice the indicators within you that told him you weren’t feeling your best and he would make sure to take you to his favourite places within Mumbattan in hopes that it’ll help you by even just a little bit. After all he’s aware of the concept that fresh air and a change of pace were beneficial to a better mental health, and all he wants was for you to feel better, even if it was by a little that would mean a whole lot to him.

Hobie would want you to have a change of scenery from the hustle and bustle you subjugate yourself to on an daily basis to somewhere less noisy and loud within any aspect.

Sure it’s not his kind of scene but for you and how much work you put on yourself just to come home, looking as though any minute you were going to collapse? It was worth seeing you gradually become more relaxed and at peace to the point you fall asleep against his shoulder and he has to carry you back home.

again Hobie didn’t care since he knew how much sleep you missed out on and would not hesitate to get you a few days off if he feels as though you workplace was taking the piss out of you by thinking you were expendable.

He ain’t having none of that shit when it came to you.

Hobie wasn’t about to let you work yourself to the bone and not get a single thanks nor your flowers for busting your ass.

You tell him that it doesn’t bother you as you were doing what your job entails but Hobie more or less your backbone within these sorts of situations because he didn’t want you being taken advantage of just because you were ‘hard working.’ Not to say you aren’t but Hobie was more then well aware that this was often the excuse given when some shit stain wanted to offload their work onto someone else for personal gain.

It was always the ones who worked the least or didn’t work at all that got the appraisal and the promotions.

So Hobie would always and I mean ALWAYS praise you for everything you’ve done for he doesn’t believe you hear it enough for his liking.

Also he’s great with advice so when the days were particularly rough, he’d probably drop a bit of sage advice in regards to any aspect that you were finding hard to cope with like; ‘while the aspiration to save everyone is admirable; it’s unrealistic. For you’re setting yourself up to traverse down a road where instead of pointing out the problem, you are made to believe that you are the problem. Instead of trying to save everyone, focus on saving one person at a time for that one person could be someone else’s everything.’

Being the absolute secret sweetheart that he is, Miguel would try and help take the weight off of your shoulders and make your life a whole lot more easier by performing small acts of service that he knows you’ll greatly appreciate.

Even if it was the minuscule things such as; making you your favourite beverage, setting up a relaxing bath/ shower. fluffing up the pillows, smoothing the creases out of the duvet, cooking your favourite food since you always tell him that one of the things you always loved coming home to was the smell of his cooking. Hell do it all if it made you happy.

Miguel defiantly pampers you on the days where you felt more fatigued from your dual jobs. He doesn’t want you to do anything for you’ve already done enough to warrant yourself some much needed rest.

He lives to serve his beloved and would reject your requests to help him by planting kisses to your lips until you ultimately accept his pampering with little to no complaint.

If you were in the spider society, he’d give you time off because he’s the boss and all and if you were to go against his request for you to take time for yourself, he’d threaten to double it even though he was seriously considering it with how obvious tightroping two jobs was negatively effecting you.

Miguel doesn’t want you to overwork yourself but will overwork himself…what a hypocrite.

Soft Miguel is only soft with you.

[aidenlydia]

hey ho!! the 09 simon sh anon here (what a weird title. anyways) first of all, thank you for replying! didn't know you hc simon as autistic, which makes him, in a way, even more relatable to me <33

i have another question, this time about simons and johnnys relationship. you mentioned that johnny helps simon cope, especially with his aggression / sh. do you have any specific headcanons how simon does that? do they have any specific rituals for when simon starts struggling? and also, the other way around, when johnny starts struggling with his OCD and depression?

cw: self-harm

Oh boy do I have a lot of thoughts about this. But first some definitions for those who are unfamiliar:

Autistic Meltdown - a intense response to overwhelming stress or dysregulation, leading to loss of control over behavior and difficulty calming down. Common signs include crying, yelling, rocking, pacing, dissociating, intense stimming and aggressive or self-injurious behavior (hitting, biting, kicking).

Shutdown - a form of meltdown where a person becomes extremely still, silent and withdrawn rather than outwardly aggressive.

Stimming - repetition of certain physical movements or vocalizations that autistic people use to calm themselves down or express their feelings.

Intrusive thoughts - unwanted thoughts that pop into one's mind without warning, at any time. They're often repetitive and can be disturbing or distressing.

Obsessions - intrusive thoughts that are hard to manage, get stuck in one's head and have a negative impact on daily life.

Compulsions - repetitive things one feels they have to do (mentally or physically) in order to reduce distress and anxiety caused by obsessions (to make things feel right again). One might know that it doesn't make sense to carry out a compulsion, but is unable to resist doing it.

I think the first step is being patient and not judging each other.

The way Ghost feels during and after a meltdown is complete loss of control, accompanied by shame. That's why SH is so easy to fall back to. It re-establishes some sense of control, which can be both a relief and a punishment at the same time.

Similarly with MacTavish, when his intrusive thoughts get the better of him and he starts spinning his wheels (getting stuck in compulsions and increasingly agitated) he knows he's both out of control and unable to stop it while probably being judged if witnessed.

It boils down to not being understood and feeling like everyone thinks you're crazy. Your self-esteem and sense of belonging take a massive hit. But having someone witness you at such a low point and support you through it, without thinking less of you afterwards, already makes a huge difference.

I don't think MacTavish knows he has OCD, he's probably only aware of the stereotype (obsession with being clean and organized) and thinks of his own symptoms as "a weakness" he needs to hide and overcome by sheer willpower to be able to keep his job and the respect of his colleagues.

Ghost isn't blind to it, he notices a lot of MacTavish's quirks and insecurities that others don't. He takes them seriously, wants to understand and help.

Part of MacTavish's depression is connected to his OCD - it makes him very anxious and tired. If anything goes wrong his depressed mind will find a way to blame himself and his compulsions get worse in response to his new intrusive thoughts/obsessions. Anything can become an obsession and the excessive misery caused by it makes him feel even more depressed. And on it goes.

At first Ghost falls into the trap of wanting to help and relieve MacTavish of some of his distress by accommodating one or more of his compulsions - it seems to make him feel better. However the more you give into compulsions, the stronger they get and end up making the symptoms worse in the long run.

The key to truly support MacTavish is to help him resist his compulsions. Ghost learns firsthand that endorsing the behaviors does more harm than good, including giving reassurance, which is a common symptom of OCD (and the most heartbreaking for both parties. It feels like a rejection to MacTavish and Ghost feels so mean for doing it, but it is for MacTavish's own good).

You can read more about it here: If You Love Someone With OCD, You May Need to Stop Reassuring Them That Everything Is OK

Of course Ghost can still validate his feelings, recognizing how upset it makes MacTavish and remind him to be patient and compassionate with himself while also staying consistent in his encouragement to keep resisting. Instead of trying to make the distress go away, Ghost helps him to accept it and ride it out together. Sometimes while in the thick of it they resort to distraction (doing something else to take his mind off it, which isn't exactly the best go-to coping skill) and physical affection (for emotional support). During a crisis situation Ghost will usually fold and let him give into a compulsion, he still has to learn how to deal with those.

Another thing that helps MacTavish a lot is when Ghost starts telling him about some of his own intrusive thoughts (everyone can have them). It makes him feel less alone/more normal, helps him open up more about his worries and reaffirms his belief that Ghost doesn't think he's crazy or a bad person. Remember, he doesn't know he has OCD yet.

I'm not sure Ghost would know or even suspect he has Autism either, autistic afab kids don't fit the "typical" stereotype and are often overlooked. He probably got called weird and off-putting his entire life, as well as being bullied without even realizing it. He only knows he isn't like the others and prefers to be alone because everyone understands the world and communication in a way he just doesn't.

He embraces his weirdness instead of hiding it, doesn't care if people think his mask is corny or that they should keep their distance from a freak like him. He's tired of not being understood, so he isolates himself and doesn't try to change anyone's mind anymore.

Nobody really gets him until MacTavish. He tends to leave a negative first impression; being perceived as rude, aggressive and disrespectful because of missed social cues. His meltdowns are mistaken for childish tantrums or manipulation. MacTavish can tell he's definitely odd, but he appreciates Ghost's straightforwardness and blunt honesty instead of being offended by it. Ghost responds well to MacTavish because he needs very clear and direct communication without it being condescending and patronizing, which MacTavish is naturally very good at. No mind games, no reading between the lines.

It's also why Ghost doesn't mind taking his mask off in front of him, not only does he trust MacTavish enough to be vulnerable, but he doesn't fear being off-putting or having his facial expressions (or lack thereof) misunderstood. They are similar in that regard, MacTavish has resting angry face and is often mistaken as aggressive, intimidating or confrontational because of it. Ghost sees there's a much more sensitive and thoughtful man underneath the hard exterior.

MacTavish doesn't have much experience with meltdowns, but can tell Ghost isn't escalating on purpose. It starts with Ghost showing signs of anxiety - pacing, rocking or becoming very still and quiet. He tries to calm himself down by fidgeting/stimming, bouncing his leg, grinding his teeth or biting at his lip. Sometimes he will ask repetitive questions, seeking reassurance, or become increasingly nonverbal. He is easily frustrated and has difficulty communicating or expressing himself clearly.

Meltdowns can be triggered by many things at once, a mix of distress intolerance, emotional regulation issues and sensory overloads. Meaning lack of sleep, stress, too many unexpressed emotions, change in routine/big life changes, too much noise, being touched too much, bright lights (that's why he wears sunglasses), too much smell, not getting enough air, ect. It can be completely overwhelming.

MacTavish responds by staying calm and quiet, not talking over Ghost and moving slowly. Any additional stimulus makes the overload worse. He gives Ghost space, doesn't touch him without permission and never punishes him for "losing it" during his meltdown or afterwards. He gets Ghost into a safe, quiet room or place until it's over. Things that help Ghost calm down is silence, a cold compress on his forehead, noise canceling headphones, laying down with the lights out and MacTavish's entire weight laid on top of him or something cold to drink.

After meltdowns Ghost feels exhausted and either needs some time alone to recharge or becomes very clingy for a while. He often doesn't remember what exactly happened and is very self-critical, but MacTavish won't allow him to be ashamed of himself or engage in his typical SH behavior, opting for calming affection and distraction instead.

If Ghost's urge to SH is coming from a place of anger they tear paper in little pieces together, go for a run or exercise. If it's from sadness they hold each other, listen to music, let MacTavish massage him or get out into nature. If it's from feeling numb, he's allowed to flick an elastic band on his wrists or hold ice cubes.

To prevent a meltdown or SH the trigger needs to be recognized early enough to be either removed in time or given a coping strategy. They develop a code sign for Ghost to use when he feels unstable, so MacTavish can help him regulate or get him away to somewhere quiet where they can properly communicate. The more Ghost trusts him, the easier it is for Ghost to communicate and disclose his distress. When Ghost becomes nonverbal they either write or speak in sign language to navigate the situation.

After leaving the military they struggle more with their relationship and gain a deeper understanding of each other by finally getting diagnosed. They end up going to therapy together where they learn how to properly manage MacTavish's compulsions and get him treatment for depression. They develop relationship strategies and identify Ghost's meltdown and SH triggers as well.

I think this is a good place to stop for now. Perhaps one day I'll get into my DID Ghost headcanon/ideas, but my fingers hurt from typing so it will have to wait lmao

This is a continuation from a previous post

[goldiipond]

ray tpn is autistic and i'm gonna tell you why now

ray is one of the most heavily autistic-coded characters i can think of, and i've been wanting to write up a post going over as many of his autistic mannerisms as i can because there is a lot. this will probably be long because i am also autistic and i am especially autistic about ray, so please enjoy while i psychoanalyze this anime boy with way more scrutiny than anyone would consider healthy <3

body language

perhaps one of the strongest arguments for ray's autism can be made by looking at his body language. ray tries to keep a stoic, neutral expression and voice the majority of the time (though he's often quite. bad at that too) but he is always extremely expressive through his movements and gestures, the most noticeable of which being the use of his hands. pretty much every character uses hand gestures, but ray is ridiculously excessive. it'd take frankly way too long to compile every instance of this (or even half) throughout the manga, so here's a small collection of gestures from s1 of the anime to give an idea:

note that this is not even close to all of them and that he's exactly like this in the manga as well, though the animation and its use of snappy, exaggerated movements does help to make these much more noticeable.

moving away from his hands there's also just a lot of really expressive full-body language as well, such as this friendly chokehold:

this dramatic shrug:

and this even more dramatic flop:

just to name a few. basically, ray has a thing for grand unnecessary movements and no one is surprised.

poor emotional regulation and masking

as i mentioned before, ray tries really really hard to bottle up his emotions and keep a sort of stoic persona during his time at gracefield. he's also really really bad at doing this. not terrible, as he was able to keep up a believable enough front that none of the other kids saw anything odd about his behavior for 6 years, but that's also because he deals with so much more stress once the events of the escape arc actually get going. there is a stark difference between his quiet and detached demeanor while emma and norman are still in the dark about the house, and him nearly having a meltdown every time something strays from his meticulously crafted plans while they actually begin making their preparations to escape over the course of the arc.

just a few examples of this include him nearly having a breakdown when emma insists on taking everyone:

or one of my favorite anime exclusive moments where he strains his voice while yelling at isabella to the point he breaks into a coughing fit:

and it's not just big flashy meltdowns, but little bursts of anger as well. shoutout to this moment in particular where he launches this bucket with enough force to tear up a bit of the damn ground:

this emotional instability can be seen after the escape as well, the most glaring example being how he interacts with yuugo:

their dynamic in general really does a good job of showing ray’s mental state after the escape, because pre-goldy pond yuugo is An Asshole. and ray is so, so easy to piss off and quite frankly tired from bottling up his emotions for so long that every interaction with said asshole is a massive struggle to keep himself from physically attacking him.

as for the topic of masking, that’s what ray’s attempts to hide his emotions feel like to me. ray is constantly in danger of losing isabella’s trust, whether that be by revealing he may be a little more attached to the other kids than he lets on or by showing too much emotion that the other kids start to wonder what the hell’s going on. ray has to constantly hide and cover up his emotions with more palatable ones for others out of fear of looking out of place or being seriously hurt, and well if that doesn’t just describe autistic masking to a tee i don’t know what does.

maybe one of the things that gets me the most about that is that he's essentially been masking for about half of his life, and doing that for any extended period of time is extremely draining. ray has been drained to the point that he will have full meltdowns when put under any sort of stress and when you take into account the fact that he already has pretty severe anger issues as a result of his trauma, it's really no wonder he has such a short fuse.

lack of a filter when speaking

ray is a very blunt person. he speaks matter-of-factly and he wastes no time in getting straight to his point, sometimes with only a single sentence:

the way he talks is also pretty significant, as he generally has a more monotone way of speaking. he really only yells when he gets really worked up which like i said, happens a lot, but there’s almost no inbetween for him. pre-escape, he tries to show as little emotion in his voice as possible outside of his outbursts.

as for post-escape ray, he does seem to show much more emotion in the way he speaks. its a bit harder to judge, as nothing past the escape arc was ever adapted into the anime (s2 isnt real it cant hurt you) but his facial expressions become much more varied and it’s easy to say his vocal inflections likely do as well. however, what we can say for sure is that he remains just as blunt as ever:

no matter how comfortable he becomes with expressing himself, this aspect of his speech never seems to change.

while we’re on the topic of his speaking mannerisms please also direct your attention to these panels:

these need no explanation.

sensory issues. so many sensory issues

briefly moving back to the subject of ray’s hands, i couldn’t help but notice during my countless s1 rewatches that they are almost never just resting at his sides. if he's not using his hands for unnecessary gestures they are either shoved into his pockets, or he's crossing his arms. it's very likely his arms default to these positions because they offer a sort of sense of security, the former keeping his hands covered and the latter keeping him more closed off, almost like he's constantly hugging himself. basically, ray is a 'likes to feel covered and secure' autistic and if he was buried in weighted blankets he'd probably love it.

also tying into the ‘likes to feel covered’ aspect of ray’s autism is this scarf he acquires sometime during the volume 12 timeskip:

it’s a well known autistic thing to get attached to articles of clothing and wear them as much as possible, and boy does ray get attached to this scarf. i can count 2 post-timeskip scenes off the top of my head that have him not wearing this scarf, and the image on the right takes place a full 2 years after the left one in canon. he has no explicitly stated emotional attachment to this scarf and we don’t even know how he got it, just that he almost never takes it off. it could easily be seen as a comfort item, maybe he just likes the way the fabric feels or the extra coverage it offers him. there is post-canon content that depicts him without it, but the fact that he wore it almost nonstop for at least 2 years straight is still pretty significant.

another sensory thing i feel is worth mentioning is that ray seems to have a very specific tolerance threshold for physical contact. he seems fine initiating touch himself, and touches from emma and norman are generally alright, likely because they are the only people he has openly allowed himself to be close with his entire life. sudden touches from others however, are a different story. the one that immediately comes to mind is this interaction with don:

don in particular is someone ray becomes pretty close to, and i would say that besides the obvious growth with emma and norman, don is likely the person we see the most development with with in terms of their relationship. him having this reaction to a hug from someone he’s so close to seems indicative of some issues with unexpected contact.

and finally one of my absolute favorite things the anime added, which is ray experiencing what looks a lot like sensory overload:

this takes place right after the argument with isabella, which ended with him being knocked to the floor and locked up in a room by himself, so its needless to say that he’s pretty shaken up. he gets so overwhelmed that all he can do is yell and desperately reach for any sort of stimulation to keep him grounded, curling in on himself and aggressively ruffling up his hair. i genuinely cannot think of an allistic explanation for this scene.

and basically, he is just so autistic

all in all, theres some pretty damn solid evidence for ray being autistic and whether it was intentional or not, the sheer amount of autism-coding present in ray’s writing is almost impossible to ignore. i love some good projection but i don’t even need to do that much, hes just doing this all on his own. in conclusion:

[fxchild]

The Switch

Miles Fairchild x fem!reader

Chapter one: Listening In

I jolted awake out of my bed after a nightmare. Ever since I got to the Fairchild estate I've been having small nightmares that grow each night. But tonight I reached the end of this reoccurring nightmare. I can't really explain what it means. I see myself running through the dark wood with something chasing me. I don't know what it is. I can't see it, but I can feel it. Breathing on my neck and whispering incoherent things. Every night for a month it has been me running in the woods to the estate, but every night I would wake before I reached it.

I decided to get ready for a day of work. The sun was blocked by clouds and something felt really off. The house had always had something creepy about it but today I had a feeling of being watched. I decided I would try and ignore it because it makes me sick to my stomach.

I dressed myself in a dark green sweater, a pair of jeans, and a pair of black sneakers. I left my hair down today because it was sort of chilly in the house. I wash my face and brush my teeth and while doing that I noticed the mirror was very foggy. I tried to wipe it with my sleeve but the condensation did not go away. Again I tried to ignore it because I did not want to get scared over nothing.

If I did not mention it before, I am a teacher to a 7 year old girl named Flora. I'm not sure why I took the job to teach her. I'm only 15, but was recommended by my teacher. I have to work twice as hard but don't have to physically be in school, which seems like a win-win to me. Flora is a very sweet and smart girl. She always uses her manners and doesn't question things. Ms. Grose, the house keeper on the other hand is snarky. She often makes comments about my teaching and appearance. Today she didn't make a comment to me while teaching, or in general. I hadn't finished my work and chores until 9pm and was dreading sleeping because I knew I would have the same nightmare, as I had every night.

At 10pm I got in bed and started reading a book. After a while I got distracted because there were heavy footsteps dragging around my floor. Assuming it was Ms. Grose, I tried my best to not go out and say anything for she is only an old lady. But after a half hour or so I started to get frustrated. "Stupid old hag and stupid old creepy house. Stupid nightmares, stupid woods. Stupid teachers for sending me to this shit hole. The only person I have is Flora, at least she's kind to me unlike that old lady." I whispered frustrated, now pacing around my room to tire me out. I look at the floor and see there is a shadow coming outside my door. Figuring it was Ms. Grose hoping to express her opinion about today I walked over to the door and opened it.

But it was definitely NOT Ms. Grose. Instead it was a boy, my age I assume with short black curly hair, pale skin, kind of lanky, and had a face that could kill you with eye contact.

"You know, this place isn't that bad, it just takes a little time to get used to it." He speaks. "W-who are you?" I jumped. "I'm Miles, I live here." He exclaims. "I'm sorry I don't know who you are." I say blandly. "I'm Flora's older brother, funny that you haven't heard of me." He says rather surprised. Then it hits me. Flora does sometimes talk about a boy that is off traveling around and comes home every three months for a little while. "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm y/n, Flora's teacher." I say, reaching out my hand to shake his. He scoffs, "Aren't you a little young to be a teacher? You look my age." He spats. I try to think of something to say that won't come out as offensive but I can't. "You should get to bed, it's late and you have work tomorrow morning. Night." He says and walks away from my door. I quietly shut my door and got back into bed. "Who the hell does this guy think he is. I hope he leaves again soon." I say to myself as I finally fall asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hey guys !! Thank you so much for reading this !! I should be uploading every other day hopefully ! Lmk if I should put this on Wattpad too !

Go follow my TikTok to get edits of the fic! @fxchild

[his-tamine]

life update :3 (a little vent-y)

sooo, been over 200 days since the house caught fire and we had to move. obviously, a lot of stuff's been happening. can't go into deep details for fear of someone I don't want to find this, finding this, but I'll say this much: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've very rarely mentioned family on here (for obvious reasons - this account is NOT made for that lol) but here goes. tw for pretty heavy topics: mentions of abuse, father issues, health issues, transphobia & financial issues. I turned 18 Feb 21st, literally just almost 2 months before the damn house caught fire. Meanwhile, my brother's still a minor. MEANING, I narrowly escaped the custody battle my mom & dad are in. But unfortunately, he's still stuck in the middle of it. :( My pops was not really the nicest person to me when I was a kid -

whooping my ass whenever I did anything wrong, no matter how minor the offense was.

Telling me that he loved God more than he loved me, because "You're God's gift to me. God is the one who gave you to me in the first place," when I was four.

Telling me that if I didn't start being ok with receiving physical affection from family - which he knew made me uncomfortable - I was "going to grow up to be a S3R1AL K1LL3R" (yes he said that.)

Telling me that "God doesn't make mistakes," and that he "made me into a beautiful young woman for a reason" after I came out to him personally at 14 - big mistake 0/10 stars, would never do again. You get the idea. And those are the tame examples I could think of. So, I finally cut him off. As soon as my mom, brother, & I were in our new place, I blocked his number and haven't talked to him since. I was sick of him not respecting my boundaries, and repeatedly demonstrating that he thought of me as nothing more than a possession. Tired of him making me feel crazy all the time too. But now he's fucking with my mom & brother. Intentionally not paying child support till the last minute possible - & then making it in as small of payments at a time as he possibly can (yes he can afford it btw.) Trying to force my brother to go over to his place, even when my brother does NOT want to - which has begun giving my brother psychological issues & issues with school, mirroring the ones I used to struggle with bc of that bastard. My mom is juggling all sorts of things, & I really at least wanna try to help financially by getting a job, but I can't yet because: she says that I'm only 18, & shouldn't have to get a job to help out (I disagree.) I don't have an ID bc she wants me to wait on my legal name change - which costs a pretty decent chunk of change - reason is bc she "wants me to have as easy an early adulthood life as possible" (love her.) AND, I haven't actually graduated - No, I dipped in 11th bc school was hell (not exaggerating,) & instead just decided to pursue a GED, that I haven't been able to work towards bc of the shit show that is life in midwestern america. So I've been very depressed, exhausted, & hopeless. The least I can do is clean up our house while she's at work, & get this - some days I don't even have the physical energy to do THAT! I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body currently, but it absolutely sucks. & I'm really tired of just taking up space all the time. She's dealing with health issues too, & I'm always worried ab her. Idk what the hell to do, but something's gotta give. Everybody needs a fucking break. I keep trying to shoo away all the dark thoughts, push myself as often as possible, & keep my fingers crossed, but jfc... Sorry just needed to yell into the void for a sec. I'll live, I'm sure - I've survived worse. Sometimes things just suck. But I like to think that someday they won't. :,)

[strangled-mangoes]

As a person who also likes Robin a lot and likes TT03, I really like a lot of your takes on the characters.

Speaking of which, do you ship/support Robstar?

OMG THANK U‼️ :D

and as for ur question, yes! i do ship robstar!

i think they’re a really cute and sweet couple, and i’m so happy that they’re 100% canon!!!! a lot of times, if a couple does become official, it doesn’t rlly go beyond the surface of “girl likes boy, boy thinks girl is pretty” BUT THATS NOT THEM‼️

teen titans did a really good job of developing their relationship over the course of the show, which is also impressive because it’s not entirely story-driven. yes, every season has an arc that it builds up to, but not every episode in that season is made for that arc. and yes, there is a greater story being built over the course of the seasons— but it’s not the same kind of story where it’s all leading up to defeating one single big bad. in ATLA, for example, it’s very story-driven, and each episode is connected to each other as they inch closer to their goal of defeating the Fire Lord.

but teen titans doesn’t do that. instead, every episode, even the season-arc related ones, are focused on developing the characters and sometimes their dynamics with each other.

over the course of the seasons, no matter who the big villain was, robin and starfire’s relationship grew. not only that, but they themselves grew, which is another awesome thing that the show did to make these feel like real people with a real relationship.

i know that the other big ship for robin is with raven, but tbh i really don’t like it. a lot of people care about the ship a lot so i don’t mean to sound rude, but imo, that’s just not their dynamic. to me, robin and raven are 100% sibling coded.

it’s true that they grow to be very close with each other, and as the show goes on, they’re shown to care for each other a lot— but it’s not the kind of love that robin and star have. i think my biggest point towards them being siblings is in The End, when robin goes to basically-hell to save raven. when he finds her, she’s physically and mentally younger, and doesn’t even recognize him at first. robin does approach her as her friend, but also treats her as one would with a real child. even when she remembers him, he doesn’t change his behavior with her. i really do think he sees her as his younger sister.

i know that normally they are very close in age, and have similar levels of maturity. but lemme tell u something. i have a younger brother, and we’re very similar to each other. i mean ok his interests r a bit different (he was on a wrestling team during hs while i sat on my computer and studied the tt wiki (which is amazing u should go look at it if u haven’t)). but other than the parts that make us unique (and the fact we aren’t related to each other at all), i often find myself forgetting that he’s younger than me. until we’re sitting in the backseat of our older brother’s car after a long day of walking, and he starts to fall asleep. and he falls to my side. and suddenly my brain starts running a mile a minute, as i realize that because we’re so close he isn’t afraid to sleep beside me. and ok yes this absolutely the brainrot talking but i believe this is how robin was feeling when raven trusted him to save her, to defeat her father— to protect her. of course robin is better trained and therefore didn’t freeze up like i did but whatever!

as a sidenote, i wanna say that while i do ship robstar 100%, i also ship robx :3 (and before u or anyone else that may see this says something like “wait but isn’t the new red x Jason Todd???” i’m just gonna tell u that he isn’t. i don’t wanna talk about it rn but believe me that i do have evidence i am just tired lol)

shipping stuff on the side is really fun, and i personally love robx so so much!!! do i think that they should be canon? no not really. i think it’s a fun little ship that gets to exist in our hearts (and in my phone wallpaper). red x is bisexual btw. i know this because i paid attention

anyway sorry if any of this didn’t make sense or whatever, i was gonna go to sleep (coincidentally after watching several tt episodes) when i saw ur ask and i had to reply immediately. it is 3 am now i am eepy… but also i wanna say that ive seen ur reblogs on my posts and they made me very happy so thank u very much!!!!!!! when i got the first notif i sent my friend very excited keyboard smashes (they also like tt and theyre the person that i usually talk to about it, like the cyrob parallels i noticed)

[rosewoodconch]

RWCH Readathon Days 13-14?

Undercover Princess: Ch. 40-45

Mega liveblog

Ill be honest. I'm really ill: but i am on a bus for 2 hours. So: heres a really porrly written summary of like... the lead up to the ball

Ch. 40

"Promise you'll also be happy"

Well...

Shes happy sometimes?

I really like that again we see that question of jamies origin which doesnt seem so important until youve read everything else

Ill be honest, i usually skip the valentines day bits

Lola is an icon, shes right. Jamie not liking cupcakes is blasphemous

And ellie getting lottle the flowers her name was named for is really sweet and i miss this era of them when it was so easy to fix

Also that note is so incredibly stupid and yes its a threat but also imagine jamie in his room making up the rhyme

"They might take ellie away" GIRL YOUR JOB IS TO PROTECT HER NOT TO KEEP HER FOREVER. Go read the diary again cmon

Ch. 41

Exams! The ball! Finally we hear more about the ball. Its crazy that they get results that quickly

Lottie having nightmares about failing her exams is... oh this poor girl

Shoutout to angus the most scottish person here i love him

Binah is so funny. I absolutely hated people who reacted like that in school

I'm so proud of Lottie like genuinely because after all of the chaos, shes still done incredibly

I was that one sobbing ivy girl ngl. I litterally appealed my b in nat 5 physics because i was convined i deserved a A. I didnt

Ollies messages was so sweet. I missed him so much. He deserves so so so much better. I wish he was able to know things but hes so right to be concerned and hurt. Then "have a good life"

Heartbreaking

Ch. 42

DRESS SHOPPING i probably dont have many thoughts other than OMG DRESSES AND SHOES so sorry in advance

Lèon is an icon and i love him

"I never like to be predictable" YES LOTTIE HARNASS THE SASS

Hes so real with the day and night hes all of us

I really wish ellie got to wear a suit here, it wouldve contrasted so perfectly to the book 5 ball

THE SHOES OH MY GOD THE SHOES

Ellie telling jamie to "just leave" is such a horrible awful thing to have said knowing all we know on reread.

Ch. 43

Jamie lore

I like that we get this explanation before the ball. Because rereading we can see how much the "normal" route relates to ani and saskia and it makes us wonder about who else could be

Jamie is different

The fake story of Hirana, and all of the information about her being lied about not just to ellie, but to jamie too, is so so sad.

Ellie wants nothing but Jamie and her to have normal lives. For them to not be connected in this way. "Everyone should get to choose"

I really love that thats echoed in the ending of the series.

Ugh again with the trust. How often do we hear them go we need to trust each other then lottie hides more stuff again. Im tired lottie.

The Cinderella moment 😭😭😭😭

Ch. 44

Let it be known that in the audiobook connie says Queen Matilda

Her "Real Room" makes me so so happy and i cannot wait to eventually read about it again.

In fact does Lottie ever see it!??!?!?! Someone tell me

See this is what i mean about the trust thing.

Im sorry but if a girl i had a crush on pinned me against the wall, said to tell her a secret or shed bite me i think id pass out

"Youll be mad at me" well no shit sherlock

Jamie is an icon and i love him. Never change

Ch. 45

"I cant promise not to be mad, but I'll hear you out" is so eloquent and I'll always have that in my mind

Creepily similar? A resemblance perhaps?

Ellie lying to try and help lottie is sweet but scary. Because how often does she do this?

I really do think that underneath he is pained for lying to his queen. But not just because hes loyal to her, or that it is his job, but also the queen is nurturing and kind and i think he does internalise that

Lottie defending herself to jamie is so painful

I love the difference between jamie "acting pained" and then the following

For anyone who isn't using the audiobook, i want you to understand how terrifying it is when it switches pov here. Because the whole book has been connie, for the prologue was her mum.

But here, theres a male voice. Jamies va.

Jamie recognising all the palace staff is really sweet

The fact that he has such a routine, hes been trained to hide his emotions from everyone including himself.

And the simple sentence of "he broke down" honestly cuts deeper than if it had been fully elaborated. Its so simple. And thats why its so powerful. He cant even cry and feel comfort. He has to retreat away from everyone and everything

Next chapters are the ball and everything so I'll probably do another mega liveblog for those ones!

Its just easier when I'm ill to group them like this!

[antylope]

How I became a top 0.1%, made money from it and then started hating it

Hi everyone, this will be a story about how transforming your hobby into a "dream job" does not turn out so good in reality. About 3 years ago, I got insanely good at an infamous game - League of Legends. I managed to earn a living from it but I eventually quit.

Before I start, I just want to state that this is NOT some form of bragging that I managed to do what many teenagers consider their dream. The truth to the story is there were many disadvantages that noone really hears about.

I got introduced to this game at the age of about 10 or 11 by my older brother. It looked fun to me, even though I was horrendous at it. I played it on and off since the age of 11 to the age of 15, not thinking much about it and often taking months, or even years off, when I got bored of it. Totally understandable, normal stuff.

I was 16 when COVID hit. I was stuck in my house, not having to go physically to school, with lots of time on my hands, so I thought to myself I'd give this game one more chance. I still was awful at it, but slowly I became a bit better. I started really liking it. I started thinking what I did wrong in the games I've played, what can I improve, what are my weaknesses. I started looking at guides on the internet, I watched countless hours of coaches talking how to play better. After a few months I hit Diamond (for those who do not know anything about this game - it is about top 5-10% of playerbase).

I knew I still had much room for improvement so I kept going. The better I got at the game the more drawn I was to it. Eventually, it became something I would consider my passion. It was not mindless playing to kill the time, I did EVERYTHING I could to be better at this game. I did not play when I was tired, I made sure to get quality sleep to perform better. I avoided foods that made my brainfog worse. I recorded all of my matches I have had played and reviewed them every day for one hour before going to sleep. I even set my alarm clock and woke up at 6 am, 2 full hours to play a few matches before having to listen to online classes.

I had one thing in mind - to become the best. I was very ambitious, I lived for this game and I LOVED IT. Eventually, at the age of 17 achieved Master rank, which was top 1-0.5%. This still was not enough to make money from it, so I kept going. I knew I could achieve more. I was very emotional about every match I played, I knew I had to put 100% of my effort to perform as best as I could.

Getting to the plot, at the point of my 18th birthday I became so good I was in the top 2000 players in the whole Europe. Out of millions of people who play it everyday, I was one of the best. I was so proud of myself. This was the point in which I thought to myself, "I am ready to make a carrier out of it".

To explain how you can earn money from this game, there are 3 options: 1) Become a professional player, play for a team and conquer the world 2) Be a coach and sell your services to help other people get better 3) Boosting, which in simple terms can be explained by: logging onto someone's account (or playing with them) and winning a lot of games to boost their rank and get paid for it.

I chose the third option, since it paid the most for an average person who tried to earn money from playing this game. I applied to many sites which offered such services, not as a customer but as an "employee". After a few weeks I finally got in. The procedure was complicated and it was insanely difficult to get in, but somehow I have made it.

At first, I loved it. Playing my favourite game and get paid for it? That's amazing! I broke the code to becoming rich! 3 months have passed and this is when the realisation started to hit me. This "job" (if I can even call it such) had many downsides, which were obviousely not talked about. I will try to name as many as I can:

1) You most often had to """work""" (play) a minimum of 12 hours a day to earn any significant money - being on the top of the game and keeping focus and energy throughout all this time is IMMENSELY difficult. Near impossible I'd argue. 2) You often had to wait hours to be able to start playing, because there simple were no customers that wanted the service. 3) The sites that offered such service took a minimum of 40% cut from the work you did, meaning if you'd earn 100€, you would have to give 40€ to the site. 4) Some customers were awful people - they paid as little as it was possible, while simultaneously demanding the highest quality and the quickest service to be provided. Many of them also had weird specific requirements, such as playing only during certain hours, playing certain role, champions, configuration, etc, which was extremely annyoing since you couldn't just do your "job", but instead you'd have to deal with their oddities. 5) You have to play even if you don't want to. You don't like certain changes in the game on the newest update? That's a shame, you still have to perform at your best. You wanted to take a break? Nope, you are obligated to finish your order. There was no such thing as weekend. You wanted to go on holidays? One month of not being active and you'd get kicked from the site. 6) The competition was cutthroat. New orders from customers were picked up by boosters (people doing the "job") in a matter of SECONDS, making you sit in front of the screen sitting there with impatience. 7) Absolutely no time for any other hobbies, cooking healthy, nutritious meals or even school. I would do the bare minimum to pass all the exams just to have more time to grind this game.

As you can see, there was a lot that could, and went wrong with playing this game as a source of income. But most of the time I just clenched my teeth and pushed through it. If you dealth with all of the unconformities your income was pretty nice. In my opinion you could easily make a living out of it, especially in my country. The salary was paid in Euro, which is much more valuable than our local currency, and 500€ of income a month would be enough to keep you going without a real job. Add to that the fact that I lived with my parents, went to school, so this money was amazing for me, especially when I did my "dream job".

This allowed me to live like a king compared to my peers this age. Can you even imagine, still being in highschool and making as much money as an adult with a real job, while you're just sitting in front of a computer and play games? This was something which many of my friends were jealous of, hah, even my parents were. My dad was very supportive of it and my mother said it is "unfair for me to earn as much as she does when she is more than 20 years older than me and she works a REAL JOB". Noone knew the reality, the dark side of it, how it drained you from all of your energy. It was extremely stressful, it drained you emotionally aswell, which caused me to perform worse each month.

Deep down inside of me I knew I needed a break, but I always said to myself: "Come on, THIS is what you wanted all your life! You are playing games for a living! Stop being an entitled, ungrateful kid and appreciate where you got in life!".

Slowly, I started despising this game. I hated every bit of it, I hated the changes, I hated the stress, I hated how much time I have to put in, I hated the customers, my "coworkers", I hated the whole atmosphere. I wanted to escape from it. I wanted to break away from the chains that I have put myself in. This was also about the time where I started to change my life for the better. I lost a bit of weight, I took mental health seriousely. I started going for walks. You have no idea how amazing they felt - I just felt at peace. I felt like I could take a deep breath and finally take some rest.

This made me understand one thing - I don't like this game and it is restraining me from becoming a better person, from improving my life. All of the people who play it are losers like I was, they hate their pathetic lifes and they live without any real social connections. This realisation helped me decide to cut this game out of my life once for good.

When I uninstalled this game, I felt a void in my heart. Previousely, it was all my life. I was what I was thinking about while waking up, when going to sleep, while in school, while on the toilet. I LIVED FOR IT. I just did not know what to do with myself. All of a sudden I had so much free time on my hands. You can compare it to an animal which spent all its' life in a cage. Then people decided to release it to the wild. The animal just sits there, stares at the trees, not knowing he is finally free. It's because he never experienced other life than the one it had in the cage. I felt very similar to this animal. On one hand, I finally did not have to stress. On the other hand, all that I worked for? Destroyed. My passion? Gone.

Right now, about 2 years later, I still am confused what to exactly do with my life. This might sound depressing, but I have no reason to get out of my bed. I have nothing I can put my best efforts in. I don't know what path to choose. I am wasting countless hours doing things which I don't care about, like scrolling social media. Even though I know I made the right choice, my life got better in almost every aspect, I still am lost. My life now is constantly seeking such another thing which will make me trully live again.

The conclusion of this story is that the world on other side of the bridge might look completely different that you'd imagined. You might reconsider seriousely if you really want to transform your hobby into your work, since this is when you start to most often hate it. That is why I also believe your job should not be something you love. It will suck the life out of you.

Thank you for taking your time to read it. As always, if you have any questions, if you want me to explain anything, or even if you want to throw a hate comment out there, go for it. I will be more than happy to read it and respond to you.

[trickscourse]

yes i CAN see the words! I CAN! I CAAAAAN!!!!

Despite the harassment campaign going on for literal years and I don't think it'll end anytime soon based on how certain people like to take up drama and lie incessantly, I've been trying to change myself for the better which has been very hard to do, not because I don't want to but because old habits die hard and certain things are just generally hard to change.

After going inpatient therapy for a while last year I realized I am tired of being angry because it's an unnecessary emotion and does more harm than good to me physically and emotionally and I try my best to be nice which often does not end up for the best because I overextend myself and I'm trying to people please more than anything else.

Despite what a lot of people on here think I do go to therapy, twice a week with two different therapists when I'm able to get out of bed and physically go and I've talked about compulsions and stuff like that and how this is affected me, my family and friends and even my job and how even though I want to change people's opinions on things I really can't without making things a lot worse in the long run.

There's also a lot of weird attention between myself and myself with admitting that I was wrong about things or trying to see a situation I don't remember from a perspective that I can't really see that well and that sometimes others people's feelings or opinion on things don't outrank mine but the experiences just?? Different?

I'm not going to say I didn't hurt people because I did. Even without meaning to. I never want to hurt anyone and even if the intention to be peaceful is there that may not be the outcome. It's not my place to say if someone got hurt by my actions because I don't control their reaction.

The same goes the other way. @thalassomania can deny grooming me all they want, but they have no say in the matter and insisting that they didn't just downplays how I feel as an abuse victim. They were the adult, they were in control of everything and there's certain things I still avoid talking about that they did that were really skeevy.

This also goes for Sunny! People have given the mods, Arty and I information about her I don't feel comfortable sharing because I don't want her to stomp her feet and insist I'm a stalker for trying to keep myself safe. I think posting about two of my jobs, my department in one of them and the place that I work is doxxing, but since she wants to play the victim I've given up arguing.

Hopefully one day I can put all of this behind me, and I'll stop having my stupid compulsions and nightmares about it and it does suck I can't change peoples minds but there's also a lot of people who love and care about me.

[withbriefthanksgiving]

May I gently say that in general - but especially during a genocide and amongst those who want to bring it to its end - we need to start embedding disability justice.

How many Palestinians are now deafened, blind, mentally unwell, physically disabled etc? The world we want to build - can these people access it? What about our own disabled siblings and comrades - are we bringing them with us? Do we see them with us in this new world we are trying to make?

I know that there are many places where obviously, it will not be fully accessible. Nobody is saying we need a blind man to be a sharpshooter.

But what we are saying is that we need to wrestle with the ways that settler colonial, imperialist racial capitalism has successfully propagandised to us regarding disability. Things we take for granted. Things we see as common sense - are these things actually the natural state of affairs? Or does this mode of thinking reinforce capitalist and settler colonialist violences in small and big ways?

Let me bring this down from the abstract and macro, to the more concrete and micro. For example: we realise that:

one way the American (+ Israeli + other allies) retains its stranglehold on its hegemony is by a vast propaganda machine. This is audio visual media, like news, TV, books etc.

these countries do not want a politically educated working class. schools and universities do not give people the ways to analyse and critique their society, and come up with ways to change it for the good of everyone.

These countries have legal systems that facilitate (enable, make it easy) capitalist productions. Such as no maternity leave, bad workplace protections etc.

This type of working disables people. It makes people sick and unwell, physically and mentally. It’s hostile to anyone whose body or mind can’t function well in a job.

This is on top of historical processes of disablement and debilitation by genocide, ethnic cleansing, colonialism, war etc.

The capitalist entertainment industry exists to make money, and to make money off a numb, overworked and tired population. there are a lot of tv shows books etc which have no real substance, and provide comfort for peoples difficult lives. And people are not encouraged to engage with this critically. Often they also don’t have the time or the tools to do so.

Therefore, any of us who seriously want to change this, must realise that

We have a lot of propaganda to counteract. I think many people realise this, and share a lot of tweets, book excerpts etc. however-

Sharing is not enough. We need to be sharing information in an accessible way.

This is because the masses are - for the reasons I’ve laid out above - tired and disabled. They may not be well educated or literate. They may not speak the dominant language of your country very fluently. They also have been drenched in capitalist and imperialist propaganda for years.

Therefore: order to reach these masses effectively, the information we are sharing should be shared as accessibly as possible.

A simple way we can do that is by copying and pasting text if we post screenshots of tweets, articles etc. This makes it easier for blind people and people with visual impairments. They can have the text read to them by using screen readers. But not everyone has screen readers, which also read alt-text. Image descriptions allow people to magnify or enlarge the text. People can also translate the text online to a language they understand better.

Please describe your screenshots.

The majority of image descriptions on this website are done by other disabled people. It takes longer for us to describe the images after, because you have to use an online converter. Or type it out ourselves. It’s a lot quicker if you are taking a screenshot to copy paste the text at the same time.

I know it’s not always possible to do. And it’s hard to get into the habit. But I think we need revolutionary discipline to practice and get into this habit, those of us who can.

I am also speaking to myself here. It took me 2 years before I started seriously to describe text. I was shamed into doing so by blind users on this app who were rightfully upset at how those of us with sight completely erase them from online experiences. It kind of awkward to do at first. You kind of feel silly. But you do get better. Even if you are a small account, it’s important to try your hand at this. It can be an introduction into mutual aid for a lot of us - helping each other out because it’s important for us to help each other and to have links with each other, including disabled people.

I think the more of us who try to do this, it will lead us to increase accessibility in other areas, like in-person organising.

If you’re interested in getting into describing text, have a look at my tag: image descriptions. It’s got some tips, tutorials and explanations written by people who rely on images being described to get info and navigate the web.

Thank you for reading.

[strangel000p]

*Screaming into the void*

I saw a US doctor today for treatment of chronic physical health issues. I couldn't see my PCP because even though Medicaid (which I am poor enough to qualify for) requires a PCP visit within 60 days of receiving coverage, my PCP is booked solid for more than 2 months out.

The good news first: This was the greatest amount of time I have ever had the full attention of a US physician on a single visit! She was in the room with me asking for context and history surrounding my physical health issues, and addressed my behavioral health history and treatment as well. I got a full 20 minutes of face-to-face in-person interaction with a Dr. (not PA, not Intern, not NP), for the first time in my life.

The bad news: I earned this truly medically beneficial experience by showing up with blood pressure high enough to warrant multiple re-tests of my BP and also an EKG, while my reported reason for visit was chronic pain, injury related pain, and involuntary muscle movements. If my BP had been normal, or even just elevated, this visit would have been a quick in-out like most. My BP was nearly in the range of what is considered "hypertensive crisis" which requires immediate medical attention. 168/120

I have had high blood pressure readings at every doctor visit since my mid 20's. I'm 34 now, and after being written off year after year as having "white coat hypertension", generalized anxiety, and being considered "borderline" for high blood pressure (you're too young for medication intervention), I was finally unhealthy enough to get taken seriously.

I left the visit with a lot of faith in the doctor that treated me, for doing the necessary work to get my health history, circumstances of my life, and a broader understanding of what is going on with me. I did not leave with a prescription for blood pressure medication. I was told to improve diet and increase exercise, no alcohol, limit salt, no smoking (I don't). Monitor your BP at home with a cuff (tonight's reading was 160/106) and bring data to your next visit and we can maybe treat the condition that had us (the medical practice) most concerned.

I got a referral for 2 different forms of physical therapy, and an X-ray of my cervical spine. She cautioned to avoid using NSAID painkillers due to a risk of worsening my gastrointestinal issues, and didn't prescribe anything to manage the pain I booked the visit for, which is usual in my experience receiving US healthcare.

I can go on and on, and probably would if I wasn't getting tired, but in addition to trying to monitor and control my blood pressure, manage my IBD and pelvic floor dysfunction, and behavioral health conditions, I need to find providers that my insurance will cover for physical therapy visits and doctor appointments. I need to find employment, to pay for my healthcare expenses, assuming I'm healthy enough to work. If I work full-time or make more than $13/hr, I will make too much money to qualify for Medicaid.

It feels like quicksand. I might actually die of a heart attack if I can't solve all of these issues on my own. There is no social safety net in the US.

*yes, I probably do have "white coat hypertension" and it is a real thing for people with behavioral health issues like anxiety. I have also gone to a hospital for help with acute pain and been told "there's nothing wrong with you, here's your ER bill" as well as being taken to a hospital only to have my clothes forcibly stripped by 6 police/security officers when asked to change into a gown.

**Yes, a full-time job can and often does provide healthcare benefits and coverage, but that assumes I am able to make it through the 90-day period of being a new-hire without benefits, without missing work, even for health related issues. Absenteeism is a death sentence in employment, even when you do take time off to manage your health with unpaid time off or call-ins.

***I am without a college degree, and right now a majority of the vacancies in the US workforce are labor intensive or have labor demands (standing the whole shift, ability to lift repeatedly or bend and twist). Without a degree, I have yet to attain an interview for any job that offers you a seat and a computer/desk. My pain issues and hypertension have narrowed my job search focus to jobs of this kind, I'll post again if I find a role, but don't hold your breath.

*All attempts to escape poverty will be punished with withdrawal of support systems* It’s the American way.

[unethicalexperiments]

SOOOOO this post has been in my drafts since i watched it, so i think dec 18-19-ish? and has been (mostly) unedited since so these are still my immediate reactions.

okkkkk actual archer post now. spoilers for the entire show and into the cold under the cut

i think the ending was like. i don’t wanna say “cop out” but, kind of out of left field? it felt very disconnected from the seasons leading up to it but i honestly can’t say i’m mad about it because i don’t think the post coma seasons were very good comparatively speaking to seasons 1-5. yes i know adam reed stopped writing for the show during/after season 10. i know he got tired of the setup after season 4 and that’s why we got that mess that was seasons 5-10 which was VERY up and down in terms of writing. i do, overall, like the ending and i don't think they really could have gone in another direction.

the agency was always going to have to be shut down. we’ve known since season 2 there were issues with keeping ISIS afloat, so i don’t think people really should have been surprised by that. i do appreciate that lana got the top job in the end, i don’t think archer himself would have enjoyed that job. her whole post-coma storyline with the other man i never really cared for, like yeah it does make sense for her to move on, especially with her young daughter, but robert was absolutely not the type of man lana would have been with and i thought that was bad writing. creating conflict and a solution (him being a billionaire) for the sake of creating conflict and a solution. i’m glad that ended when it did but it shouldn’t have been there in the first place imo lmao. i also want to say that while i’m not against the idea of lana and archer having a baby, i think they were destined to have some permanent tie in some way, but the way the show went about it was god awful. lana taking archer’s sperm from a bank gave fans another reason to hate the one black woman in the show, and then to give aj little to no screen time or story line after made it all feel like it was all just there to make people hate lana more. but also, what the fuck are you gonna do with a baby in a show about spies? it should have been saved for the end of the show and again i feel like this was adam reed just trying to get out of writing spy stuff (which he said regularly in interviews he grew tired of it, which, fair, but come on).

throughout the entire show pam’s character has changed so fucking much but she remained relatively consistent with regards to who she is as a person throughout. from very early on (at least season 2 if not 1) we’re shown how physically strong she is and how she actually makes a good agent. there were weird things thrown in about her personal life that i found very inconsistent with regards to her romantic/sexual relationships though. our first look into pam’s sex life is… very uncomfortable to say the least. she’s written as a sexual predator and commits assault on screen at least once in the early seasons for a “haha sexual assault is funny” moment that is never brought up again. on top of that, we’re also introduced to her being “undesirable” sexually which very quickly changes to “she fucks and she fucks WELL”. we’ve also known from the start she’s bisexual as she comes onto lana like episode 3, but then there’s a random moment in season 11 or 12 or whatever of her asking a random one off character to “be her polyamorous primary” and then this is never seen or talked about again and it feels like diversity for the sake of “oh look at us we have diversity” which i fucking hate. she’s a woman who fucks well and often and forced moments like that feel forced. sorry.

i do not actively participate in archer “fandom” bc let’s be real there isn’t really one lol HOWEVER the way other fans talk about cyril is fucking bizarre to me. ppl on here act like hes "uwu innocent cinnamon roll baby" when he's just as complicit as everyone else. we know he’s not a very good person from the start and that has been consistent throughout the show. i really don’t have much to say about him here he’s always been a pathetic character (and that voice actor whose name i can never remember is very good at those types, i really like him in what i've seen) and the kinda guy who is always going “but what about meeeee?!” and i think his personality brought a nice balance to the gigantic egos he shared the room with, as he still has a giant ego but he can’t really voice it, and he turns kind of incel-y because of it. i really enjoyed that about him, he was shitty in a different way, y'know? i will say the finale was kind of weird with him, i keep going back and forth on whether or not i like him not really getting a clear ending.

now to talk about cheryl. this has to be one of the most bizarre character story arcs of all time. she goes from a timid secretary who wants to fuck archer to a billionaire with (and i hate this word but i cannot think of a better one atm) psychopathic behavior causing destruction for the sake of causing destruction. she has this really interesting and crazy backstory that we first hear about in season 2 that develops over time, but starting like, season 5/6ish, it’s a slow flanderization of her character from a kind of hidden evil who is smarter than she lets on to a total idiot who likes to set things on fire. and oh! look at that she hears voices sometimes too! haha isn't psychosis funny! aren't people with psychosis terrible and evil? isn't that funny? anyway. this gets SIGNIFICANTLY worse post coma (same with krieger, i’ll get to that later) to basically someone who shouldn’t be outside of a hospital. it was really disappointing and even in the finale a few characters outright say “has she gotten worse?” pointing out in universe the flanderization (or possibly intentional writing?) which just feels shitty. also, her being a country music star for one season and then outright forgetting about it the next (explicitly said in the show she has no memory of it!) is just bad writing.

as for krieger, i feel very much the same way as i do about cheryl. he started off as a weird, kinda background character who turns out to be this mad scientist with ties to malory since childhood. some of his inventions are successful, some aren’t, but he did actually do stuff. as the show went on (post season 4) you also start to notice the degradation of his character like with cheryl, turning him into a bumbling idiot. he got a moment of his old self in the finale which was nice, and the little nod to him and cheryl possibly working together after was fun, but it’s no where near enough to make up for the way they both were treated for the past like 10 years in the show.

as for the man himself, i think he remained the most consistent throughout the show. we see character development, but not a lot, and i think that felt realistic. he’s still an asshole, he’s still a bad person, but he’s not as bad of a person anymore. i think he truly did remain the same character from the pilot to the finale. there were some moments in seasons 12-14 where i felt like he was getting more.. childish? almost? but the finale was him through and through. he always loved lana, he always loved katya, he always loved his daughter. i don’t think lana/archer could ever really be a viable endgame. we’ve seen them try, but they really shine as people, as parents, and as professionals when they have that cat-mouse dynamic and i think it was a good mirror to malory and nikolai from seasons 1/2. another thing, i know he said he didn’t care who his father was, but FUCK i wanted to know! i’m choosing to believe it was nikolai because adam reed had said that at one point that was the plan.

i also just realized i forgot to talk about zara completely. zara felt like, in ds9 when jadzia was killed because her actress had enough of rick berman, but they had one more season to do so they tossed ezri in there for the sake of having someone fill the spot. since malory was gone, lana took her spot, and zara was created to fit lana’s spot. i feel the same way about her as i do ezri dax, which is i really don’t care. sorry LMFAO. i understand why she was there but she didn’t add anything to the show to me.

now the finale itself. the whole “one last mission” thing was nice, it wasn’t mind blowing or anything but it was fine. i will say, i never felt like slater was archer’s real rival, i always felt like (pre coma seasons at least) it was barry. i think the ending of archer vs. barry would have been better but that’s just me. i think they fucked up a little going the route of making them friends in the end. and the whole both katya and barry being in the same cyborg body for some reason felt very weird and last minute, katya and barry didn’t end their relationship on good terms lol. AND THEN. archer having sex with the barry-katya hybrid caught me SO off guard. don’t get me wrong! i’m glad they put that in there but it was very 👁️👄👁️. unexpected to say the least lmfao was nice to confirm his bisexuality though? i guess?

while the finale covered a lot of recurring and repeat characters and storylines, i feel like there were some BIG ones that were left out. like, what the fuck ever happened with veronica dean?? the woman who shot archer, the reason he was in a coma for 3 years?? they mentioned her ONCE in season 11 in an off handed comment that “they were still looking for her”. ok so did they find her?? maybe it’s because i didn’t think the recent seasons were that great, but i thought the finale being centered around a fabian (was that his name? i genuinely don’t remember i’m not watching or reading wikipedia or anything while writing) storyline felt kinda lame too. whenever malory had something going on with a rival agency it felt fun but the whole IIA thing was incredibly boring to me. unfortunately no one could ever compare to malory's character in her terrible diva ways that i could never get enough of. and of course no one could do it besides jessica walter.

another thing is a nod to other early season stuff would have been nice. save for barry and katya, it was all post season 5. like woodhouse. or even a one off line about popeye. what about len trexler. rona thorne? was she ever mentioned again? they were relevant in the early seasons! idk. though i do wonder if we're better off without it, maybe the new writers would have fucked it up too much. the new writers probably don't even know who those characters were fghjfkdsgf. in short i feel like the ending forgot a lot about the beginning, and i think most fans would have enjoyed being reminded of the beginning.

anywayyyyyy this was long and ramble-y and probably incoherent but there we have it. after 14 years there goes my favorite stupid little show of all time. seasons 1-4 i can rewatch infinite times (and i'm not kidding when i say i've watched each episode no less than 30 times either actually fully paying attention or as background noise and somewhat paying attention) and will never get tired of. i enjoy season 5 and some of season 6. from there its a very mixed bag and i find it a little disappointing that a show that started off that strong went out kinda weak. i think i personally would have preferred the show ended after season 5 but i know that is not my choice to make. i don't even think they're (the later seasons) that bad, but they could have been so much better. in terms of adult animation this is still the one. and i don't even think i ever said anything about how much i always loved the art style. in the end, it will continue to hold a special place in my heart and be a shitty comfort show and i'm ok with that <3

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

responding to that last ask, i do notice that folks who take P5, and really all the games, a lot less seriously tend to not be bothered by the slapstick humor, even with the emphasis on topics such as physical abuse and societal corruption, so that could be a part of it, especially after seeing the same anime tropes coming up so often and seeing them played more or less the same (that's not meant to be a jab that's just kinda what persona games are) just something i notice since it's typically the most hardcore fans that get the most upset i realize

In all honesty, yeah I've noticed people that take a super casual approach don't really notice issues like more hardcore fans do.

P3/4 have the chibi models to disconnect from reality (as well as more obvious chatter effects and such...imo than P5), and P1/2 sprites even more so. P5 isn't exactly super realistic, but more so than prev games, plus it has the balls to actually criticize the physical/sexual/mental abuse of society.....only to use it as comedy later.

Yeah Persona is pretty anime, and that's fine (I mean I grew up on the Three Stooges so like.....I can go as far as live action slap stick too). It all comes down to framing for me.

Does it do a good job indicating it's slapstick (easier the more cartoonish you get, which is easy for cartoons and anime) ex:

2. (not really a deal breaker in a COMEDY, but if comedy's not the main genre it can be) Is it even? Like does one char always slap stick another, or does the recipient get to slap stick back? Or is it a free for all? (ex: like Angel Beats, Asobi Asobase, and MPGIS is a free for all, Yui/Hinata, Ichigo/Rukia and Ichiko/Momiji like to slap stick each other and are even, but I don't like Sakura punching Naruto bc sometimes he doesn't even deserve it and she's not exactly a great char herself TT0TT it gets tiring having it be so one sided...most of these barring Bleach and Naruto are comedies or a dramady like Angel Bleach are so.....yeah TT0TT Kinda skewed but still)

3. (this is def a big problem I have with P5, but I'm sure it's not the only one with this issue) Cake and eating it problem/tonal dissonance: They medium has a message that would....make slap stick unfortunate. Like it's a really hard line and you'll have to really land the dark comedy. Angel Beats can thread this very well.....P5 doesn't. Tbf AB is part comedy, it can be a dark comedy (I mean it's gonna have to be when it's a coming of age story about dead children). P5.....doesn't spend a lot of time on humor (which isn't bad in theory), but when it DOES it's........unfortunate. It just doesn't mesh well.

Maybe if it leaned MORE into the anime it would've lessened the blow. Wait no scratch that, I know what happens when you do that. You get P4 anime. orz

"Oh Silly, you're the only one that doesn't like it! It's beloved!" Hahahahahahaahaaaaaa oh. OH I know. But there's one scene that I KNOW people hated, cause they hated it when it airs, and NO ONE talks about it. It's the Kanji dungeon segment/episode. When you try to go full anime slap stick you get tonal whiplash instead (which is P4 anime's problem, esp with the new original humor and putting in humor where it was a more serious moment). So I'm afraid that also would happen to P5 if they went that route.....orz

But analyzing my own feelings and where my brain draws the line aside.

Yeah it's probs that the devs are just throwing anime tropes in there bc......those tropes are funny right? Haha? Not realizing the narrative disconnect it makes when it does happen. TT0TT