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wickwrites · 4 years ago

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Wonder Egg Priority Episode 4: Boys’ and Girls’ Suicides Do Mean Different Things (But Not in the Way the Mannequins Want You to Think!)

So, let’s talk about this for a second. After I got over my initial knee-jerk reaction, I realized I wasn’t sure how to make sense of exactly what the mannequins were arguing for here. So let me rephrase their statements to make the argumentative structure more explicit: Because men are goal-oriented and women are not, because women are emotion-oriented and men are not, and because women are impulsive and easily influenced by others’ voices and men are not, boys’ and girls’ suicides mean different things – girls are more easily “tempted” by death, and therefore, more likely to require saving when they inevitably regret their suicide. While Wonder Egg Priority, so far, seems to agree with the vague version of the mannequins’ conclusion, namely that boys’ and girl’s suicides mean different things, it refutes the gender-essentialist logic through which that conclusion was derived.

The mannequins choose a decidedly gender essentialist approach in explaining the difference between girls’ and boy’s suicides; they argue that the suicides are different because of some immutable characteristic of their mental hard wiring (in this case, impulsivity, emotionality, and influenceability). Obviously, this is a load of bull, and Wonder Egg Priority knows it. The mannequins are not exactly characters we’re supposed to trust, seeing that they’re running a business that is literally based on letting these kids put themselves in mortal danger. As faceless adult men, they parrot and possibly represent the systems that force these girls to continue to be subjected to physical and emotional trauma (it’s probably more complicated than this, but four episodes in, it’s hard to say more). So, we’re probably supposed to take what they say with great skepticism. Also, the director, Shin Wakabayashi, has recently said that in response to these lines, Neiru was originally going to object, “When it comes to their brains, boys and girls are also the same,” (which unfortunately is not exactly true and is somewhat of an oversimplification, but the sentiment is there). While that line ultimately did not make it in, Neiru does reply with a confused and somewhat indignant, “What?!”, a reaction that gets the message across. Neiru is not a fan of gender essentialism, and as a (more) sympathetic character, we’re supposed to agree with her.

That is, the differences between boys and girls is not something inherent to their biology or character, but something constructed by culture and experience. This rejection of gender-essentialism is apparent in Wonder Egg Priority’s narrative, which takes a more sociocultural perspective on the difference between boys’ and girls’ suicides. It says, well of course boys’ and and girl’s suicides don’t mean the same thing, that’s the whole reason why we’re delving into the experiences specific to being a girl (cis or trans) or AFAB in this world – to show you how girls’ suicides are influenced by systems of oppression perpetuated by those in power (ie. the adult, in this specific anime).

And all the suicides we’ve seen up until now tie into that somehow. For instance, Koito is bullied by her female classmates who think that Sawaki is giving her special treatment. This is a narrative that comes up over and over again, in real life as well: that if a young girl is being given attention from an older man, then it’s her fault – that she must want it, or at least enjoy it somehow, and that it signifies a virtue (eg. maturity or beauty) on her part. And if Koito is actually being given such treatment by Sawaki, an adult man in a position of power over her, that is incredibly predatory.

And we all know that child sexual abuse is something that overwhelmingly affects girls, with one out of nine experiencing it before the age of 18, as opposed to one out of 53 boys (Finkelhor et al., 2014). Regardless of whether Sawaki was actually abusing Koito or if the students only thought that he was, Koito’s trauma is ultimately the result of this romanticized “love between a young girl and adult man, but not because the man is predatory, but because the girl has some enviable virtue that makes her desirable” narrative. Similarly, in episode 2, Minami’s suicide is driven by ideas related to discipline and body image in sports, which while not necessarily specific to female and AFAB athletes, is framed in an AFAB-specific way. For instance, take the pressure on Minami to “maintain her figure”. Certainly, male athletes also face a similar pressure, but we know that AFAB and (cis and trans) female bodies are subject to closer scrutiny and criticism. We know that young girls are more likely to suffer from eating disorders. And Wonder Egg Priority situates Minami’s experience as decidedly “about” AFAB experience when her coach accuses her change of figure due to her period as a character failing on her part.

Likewise, episode 3 delves into suicides related to “stan” culture, this fervent dedication to celebrities that is overwhelmingly associated to teenage girls. And Miwa’s story, in episode 4, explicitly shows how society responds to sexual assault. When Miwa does have the courage to speak up about her assault, she’s instantly reprimanded by basically everyone around her. Her father is fired because her abuser was an executive of his company. Her mother asks her why she couldn’t just bear with it, telling her that her abuser chose her because she was cute, as if that’s supposed to make her feel better about it. Wonder Egg Priority shows that this sort of abuse is a systemic problem, a set of rules and norms deeply engrained in a society and upheld by all adults, regardless of gender, social status, or closeness (to the victim). Wonder Egg Priority says that, yes, girls’ and boys’ suicides have different meanings, but it’s not due to some inherent difference between the two, but the hostile environment in which these girls grow up. Girls are not more easily “tempted” by death, they just have more societal bullshit to deal with.

But Wonder Egg Priority goes further than just showcasing how girls’ (and AFAB) experiences are shaped by sociocultural factors. The story also disproves the supposedly dichotomous characteristics that the mannequins use to differentiate girls and boys (i.e. influenceability/independence, impulsivity/deliberation, emotion-orientation/goal-orientation). If the mannequins are indeed correct, and that girls are just influenceable, impulsive, and emotional, you’d expect the girls in the story to be to be like such too. Except, they aren’t. Rather, they’re a mix of both/all characteristics. This show says that, certainly, girls can be suggestible, but they’re also capable of thinking for themselves. For instance, when Momoe asserts her own identity as a girl at the end of episode four, she rejects the words of those around her who insisted that she isn’t a girl. If she were as suggestible as the mannequins believe her to be, that would never have happened – she would have just continued believing that she wasn’t girl “enough”. But, she doesn’t because she is equally capable of making her own judgements. Likewise, Wonder Egg Priority shows that girls can be impulsive, but they can also be deliberate and pre-mediating. When Miwa tricks her Wonder Killer into groping her to create an opening for Momoe to defeat it, she’s not doing it out of impulse – it’s a pre-mediated and deliberate choice unto a goal. And Wonder Egg Priority continues, girls can be equally emotion oriented and goal oriented. Sure, the main girls are fighting because they have the goal of bringing their loved ones back to life, but those goals are motivated by a large range of emotions, from guilt to anger, grief, compassion, and love.

Being emotion-driven doesn’t mean you’re not goal-driven, and vice versa. In fact, in this case, being emotional drives these girls toward their goals. In other words, none of these traits that the mannequins listed are either “girl traits” or “boy traits”. Being one does not mean you can’t be the other, even if they seem dichotomous at first. Wonder Egg Priority’s diverse cast of multi-dimensional female characters allows it to undermine the mannequins’ conceptualization of gendered roles, refuting the idea that these (or any) character traits should be consider gendered at all.

As an underdeveloped side thought, I think Wonder Egg Priority’s blurring of gendered roles is also well-reflected in its style. There’s been a lot of talk about whether Wonder Egg Priority constitutes a magical girl series, and I think that’s an interesting question deserving of its own essay. Certainly, it does follow the basic formula of the magical girl story: a teenage heroine ensemble wielding magical weapons saves the day. But it also throws out a lot of the conventions you’d expect of a magical girl story – both aesthetically and narratively. Aesthetically, it’s probably missing the component that most would consider the thing that makes an anime a magical girl anime: the full body transformation sequence, complete with the sparkles and the costume and all that. Narratively, the girls are also not really magical girl protagonist material – they’ve got a fair share of flaws, have done some pretty awful things (looking at Kawai in particular; I still love you though), and aren’t exactly the endlessly self-sacrificing heroines you’d expect from a typical magical girl story. On the other hand, the anime also borrows a lot from shonen battle anime. We get these dynamic, well choreographed action sequences full of horror and gore, the focus on the importance of camaraderie between allies (or “nakama”, as shonen anime would call it) exemplified through all the bonding between the main girls during their downtime, and in the necessary co-operation to bring down the Wonder Killers. That said, this anime is not a shonen; the characters, types of conflicts, and themes are quite different from those that you’d find in a typical shonen. The bleeding together of the shonen genre and the magical girl genre, at the very least (and I say this because I think it does way more than just that), reflects Wonder Egg Priority’s interest in rebelling against conventional narratives about girlhood and gender.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg priority analysis #wep #w.writing #my writing #anime analysis #analysis #anime #w.analysis

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the-ghost-king · 4 years ago

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About the cupid scene, Nico was forced to come out, but its also made very clear that Cupid is the bad guy. So is Aphrodite to an extent. They have a twisted and fundamental misunderstanding of love and how it works for mortals. I get that people could be mad about how Nico was forced to come out and putting him through more emotional trauma, but I also think its very realistic in showing how callous and cruel the gods understanding of love is.

I am reminded of the quote by Madeline Miller, "There is no law that gods must be fair..."

I also understand why the scene might be traumatic for other young LGBTQ+ readers, I've seen a lot of people talk about the fear of being outed in regards to them reading that scene as a kid. I completely respect their feelings on that, and I understand that as well. However, as someone who had been forcibly outed once before reading that scene, that scene really helped heal me. I don't think the Cupid scene is inherently homophobic, and I'm often bothered by the lack of nuance regarding around how it's handled.

I recognize it's a very emotional scene, and that people may have a hard time fully separating their emotions from that scene, but at the same time if there's a group of people saying "hey I understand why you disliked this scene but it was really helpful to me as a child because of the different experiences I had" maybe slow the breaks and hear what others also in the community have to say before determining if the scene is homophobic. You don't have to like the scene, and yeah maybe the scene did hurt you but that doesn't make it homophobic.

I want to specify on my word choice there a little closer, because of course outing someone is an act of homophobia, and the scene is homophobic in that sense. However often times the conversation about homophobia in this scene goes to "Rick was homophobic for writing this" where personally I would say this scene toes the line at being too far without ever crossing it. Some people may think this depiction crosses the line into "Rick was homophobic for writing this" which is fine, but just because something depicted homophobia and hurt you doesn't mean it was homophobic. Something doesn't have to out rightly be stated to be bad, in order to be read as bad*, and the Cupid scene does a wonderful job of depicting this.

I talk here about how Nico is shown what love is, and how love is treated by Nico, and how it affects his character. I think it's important to note that Nico's entire storyline can essentially be encompassed in an Orpheus-like or Odyssey-like tale. Nico's undergone this huge emotional and physical labor all in the name of having some form of unconditional love. I think that post is a really important read in the context of this one because I very carefully outline how love shapes Nico and how Nico shape and chooses his own definition of love, but I want to specifically dig into the Cupid scene on this post.

The big criticism often seen is "it's homophobic" which I covered above, and I want to clarify I'm not upset with or mad at or trying to tell anyone they can't dislike it or even say you can't say it's homophobic (my words on my one post are a bit off I'll admit) but the problem I have is when people believe they hold a moral high ground for thinking it's homophobic, or they remove all nuance from the discussion with "it's homophobic". Which is frustrating and annoying because it's a very complex scene, and it really changes Nico's arc and personality and it does help characterize him.

The big reason it shapes him so much is because of the other largest reason the scene is criticized, Cupid's behavior. What often fails to be recognized in those scenes is that Cupid is intentionally painted as the villain, this is very important to the scene.

In the context of this scene Nico makes an unspoken choice, a choice of "what is love to me?". I talk about how Nico claims his narrative in BoTL when he overcomes Minos, and he partially peaks that arc by convincing Gods to join the final battle of TLO. Following that arc however, Nico falls into his second arc, his crush on Percy was important in PJO, but not as important as it is in HoO.

By HoO Nico's entire character revolves around Percy, how to help Percy, how to aid Percy, etc. All of this has to do with Nico's crush on Percy, but also as an act of repayment because Nico hurt Percy- Nico lied to him about knowing him at New Rome in SoN, and he goes to Tartarus shortly after... This mirrors what Percy did after Hades tricked Nico... Percy choked Nico because he was upset with him, so Nico tried to win back Percy's affection by bathing him in the river.

The Cupid Scene is the resolution of Nico's arc, he is essentially given a choice- Cupid or Jason?

For this reason, we do see Nico recognize love for what it has been vs how it could be.

Cupid is there to represent what love is, to Nico love is brutal, and painful, and a lot of hard work... Nico has made himself utilitarian in love simply because it is the only way he can find any affection. Love to Nico is about flaying yourself for the benefit of others, to trample any and all parts of yourself simply to appease those you care for, because you want them to love you so much as you love them. The parallels I could draw between Nico and Orpheus, or Nico and Odysseus... I'd be here a long while...

In that scene Jason represents the alternative form of love which Nico chooses after his interaction with Cupid.

Jason says during the scene that he "preferred Piper's idea of love" which has to do with kindness and caring, etc, and then Jason becomes the embodiment of that idea during the scene- which showcases the alternative of what love can be, thus making Jason a personification of love in the context of that scene.

Jason looks to Nico, he doesn't ask for more, he simply looks to Nico with understanding and acknowledges him for who he is, and he does the exact opposite of what Nico expects:

Jason loves Nico where he is, without conditions, without forcing Nico to become something more. Jason didn’t force Nico to say more than what was necessary for him to understand, Jason looked at Nico and he called Nico brave.

Cupid is a more volatile form of love than Aphrodite, Cupid shoots arrows that makes people animals, that can make a god grow insane, but Aphrodite's form of love is about acceptance and humanity (think to how she picked Ares over Hephaestus even if it was perhaps "wrong")- both are about truth but one is about force and the other about acceptance.

When Nico walks out of there, he makes his choice- he is forced to come out yes, Cupid is wrong for doing this, but Jason again stays a figure of love in Nico's life. Jason basically says, "Good job, I know that was hard, thank you for sharing and let me know if you need anything, people will care about you and understand you," again and again and again to Nico, he doesn't tell Nico he has to come out, and he agrees to keep it between them for now. Jason is love as acceptance, Jason is the first person who unconditionally loves Nico, and that's the choice.

Will Nico accept unconditional love? If the answer is no, then Cupid wins and Nico is denying himself. If the answer is yes, then Jason and Nico win, and Nico no longer needs to make himself utilitarian in love in order to be loved.

The choice is made with Reyna and Hedge, most specifically Reyna.

When he accidentally comes out to them, and they accept him without making a big deal of it, without show, just that acknowledgement and "thank you for sharing" and Nico accepts their words and friendship still- Nico made his choice then to accept the love he was being freely given.

“He carried so much sadness and loneliness, so much heartache. Yet he put his mission first. He persevered. Reyna respected that. She understood that. She'd never been a touchy-feely person, but she had the strangest desire to drape her cloak over Nico's shoulders and tuck him in. She mentally chided herself. He was a comrade, not her little brother. He wouldn't appreciate the gesture.”

This is where we see the slow and steady, and healthy, end to Nico's arc in regards to love really grow into itself, and he begins to heal. He no longer sees such an intense need to make himself utilitarian for love, and he begins to heal from his internalized homophobia too.

(Internalized homophobia discussions with Nico also bother me too often times, people too often assume you can't date while struggling with internalized homophobia or at least very heavy handedly imply that which is just not true... You may have some issues in your relationship, but you can work through the internalized homophobia while building a new relationship and be just fine. Also to assume someone has an unhealthy relationship because of internalized homophobia is weird and lowkey reinforces the idea that "broken" people don't need love, but also does a huge disservice to so many LGBTQ+ people who are happily married/themselves but still struggle with these feelings, and to see a healthy relationship depiction despite someone in that relationship struggling with internalized homophobia is fine and good actually. As long as the individual can recognize what they're dealing with, and work through it in a healthy and constructive manner, then there's nothing wrong there...)

When I started this post to be honest I thought I would have a lot more to say, it's a scene that touched and changed me so deeply as a person, and beyond that in a more objective experience it completely changes Nico's character, by turning his arc around and beginning his healing process. To be honest, there probably is more to be said on it, I just haven't found the words yet... I know parts of this post are clunky and in a year I'm going to read this and see all the places it could be better but for now I'm content with it.

Whether or not someone considers the scene homophobic is a subjective experience, but I think this is a very well written scene purely for the characterization and symbolism, intentional or otherwise. I don't really care that much to debate if it's truly a homophobic scene or not, I can see both why people say it is and why people say it isn't and that can be culminated into "people have different needs" and "minorities aren't a monolith". Personally my much larger complaint is the complete lack of nuance and insight scenes like this are handled with, not the matter of personal opinion an individual reaches on the scene.

*the post uses the word "adult audience" and yes, fair point, children should not be able to decipher symbolism to the extent adults can. But older children and young teens, which the RRverse series are sold for, is when critical thinking skills and media analysis do begin to become parts of classroom curriculum. The scene does an excellent job of not outright stating Cupid is evil, but of depicting that in a very clear cut way.

#nevermind i lied here you go #nico di angelo #meta #long post #anon #ask #internalized homophobia #fandom homophobia

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years ago

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Hi Steph! Would you happen to have any fic recs that involve John meeting the Holmes family? I always think that's such an interesting dynamic to see! Also, I think this goes without saying but I love your blog and appreciate your contributions to the fandom! Thanks!

Hey Nonny!

Ah, thank you! I’m glad you enjoy my blog!

Oooo! Yes, I love that dynamic too!! ANNNNND!!! You’re giving me the chance to make a part 2 for a REALLY OLD LIST!!! So YAY!!! I found a bunch on a text doc I haven’t posted yet, so HERE WE GO! Hope you enjoy, and as always, everyone please add your own!

PARENTS AND FAMILIES Pt. 2

See also:

Parents & Family

Meeting the Family With a Fake Relationship

Do You Love Me? by whitchry9 (K, 641 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Epic Bromance) – John asks Sherlock perhaps the most important question.

Once Upon A Time by ProfessorSquirrell (T, 908 w., 1 Ch. || Family, Snippets of Life, Romance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Implied Drug Use, Angst with Happy Ending) – There is a room in Sherlock's mind palace where nothing gets deleted. And it looks like this...

Crisis Averted by Spartangal22 (T, 2,188 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fic, Missing Scene After Confronting Mary, Canon Compliant, Sherlock Whump / Mary Shot Sherlock, Family / Friendship, Hospitalization, Sherlock POV, Holmes Brothers) – Lying in the hospital, Sherlock receives some surprising visitors, and manages to deal with two problems he's been having lately. A missing scene from HLV about a formal introduction that was never made and a visit that was never shown.

The Only Available Transportation by blueink3 (T, 5,379 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Sherlock, Caring John, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Birthday, Family, Misunderstandings) – It’s possibly the desperation that’s seeped into his voice despite his best intentions, or perhaps it’s just a mother’s intuition, but she knows that whatever he’s calling about is Serious, hangover be damned. “What’s happened?” she asks, tone soft and as comforting as a hot cup of tea on a cold winter’s night. “Mummy,” he begins, voice catching. “I think John may be moving out.”

On the Steadfast Approach of an Oncoming Darkness by 2bee (T, 7,772 w., 1 Ch. || Apocalypse, Minor Character Death, Sort of Parentlock) – The world is ending. Not fast, but slowly, like falling asleep with a fever.

The Name Game by ItsClydeBitches221B (K, 8,958 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Family, Platonics / Friendship, Sort-of Parentlock, John/Mary, Mary is Nice, Five and Ones, Baby Watson, Mycroft Loves Baby Watson) – The names that baby girl Watson comes up with for her extended family. Or: how everyone—Watsons, Holmes, and others alike— just learned to give up and embrace their weirdness.

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

Permanent Fixture by vitruvianwatson (E, 18,836 w., 9 Ch. || Post-S4, Parentlock, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, They’re Good Parents, Blushing Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Explicit Consent, Sexual Content, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Big Feelings, Crying, First Kiss, Fluff, Anxious Sherlock, Inexperienced Sherlock, Emotional Communication, Love Confessions) – Now, as Rosie sat curled up against Sherlock’s side, John watched and wondered exactly how he had ended up here. Domesticity had never suited him before, not at any point in his life. His disastrous marriage had been proof of that. But somehow, here in the warmth and safety of 221B Baker Street, here with Sherlock Holmes reading medical jargon to his daughter, Sherlock’s bony feet nudging against his leg, John couldn’t imagine anyplace that would make him happier.

Dropping the Act by jadztone (T, 27,258 w., 10 Ch. || Parentlock, Fake Relationship, Mary’s Family, Post-S4, Cuddling & Snuggling, Bed Sharing, Pining, Christmas) – Sherlock and John are quite happy living together with Rosie in Baker St. They might be even happier if they didn’t act towards each other like their love is only platonic. Mycroft brings troubling news in the form of Mary’s parents wanting to know just what their grandchild’s home life is like. The boys decide to spend Christmas pretending like they are in love in order to seem more like a "normal" family. It's easy enough to pretend when all you're doing is dropping the act.

An Acquired Taste by kinklock (E, 31,059 w., 4 Ch. || Vampires AU || Vampire Sherlock, Misunderstandings, Bat!Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Humour, Magical Realism, Fluff and Angst, Blood Drinking, Holmes Family, Slow Burn) – At Montague Street when Sherlock was forced to sate his body’s needs, he was at least able to wander about the flat as much as he pleased. At Baker Street, it was mini-bags in a mini-fridge and bedroom confinement.

Chaperones by MissDavis (T, 34,114 w., 7 Ch. || 11 Years Post-S4, Fake Relationship, Parentlock, Disney World, Bed / Room Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, First Kiss, Obsessive Sherlock, Insecure John) – Right. Of course. Everyone assumed they were a couple and no one would question it. John put his elbows up on the table so he could rest his head in his hands. "You want to pretend to be a couple so we can chaperone a trip to Disney World with Rosie's class and you won't have to share a room with a stranger?" "Exactly." Sherlock beamed at him. "Don't worry about the cost. The Birmingham case last month paid more than enough to cover expenses for all three of us."

Where The Ghosts Have Voices by HappyJuicyfruit (M, 37,691 w., 12 Ch. || Supernatural AU || Ghosts, Magical Realism, Light Horror, Fluff and Smut, John Can See Ghosts, John Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Dark Magic, Coma, Injury Recovery, Blow Jobs, Anal, Happy Ending, John’s Past, Mr Holmes, Powerful John, Holmes Brothers, Sherlock’s Past, Past Viclock, Drug Abuse, Hair Pulling) – John has lived his whole life as an outcast. It is only when he meets Sherlock, that be realizes being a freak might not be such a bad thing, and that the curse he has lived with his whole life may be a gift after all. (TO READ)

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) – A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Hand Jobs / Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It's 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn't need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w., 37 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #parents and families #meeting the family #Anonymous

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years ago

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please. i can’t do this alone.

Titans 3.01

thoughts! thoughts! thoughts! some red hot thoughts!

SPOILERS ahead.

1. one episode in, and this season already looks set to give me everything i want. its abandonment of plot and storytelling conventions as it goes from one point to the next at breakneck speed; its cheerful bastardisation of iconic storylines from the comics; the ‘as-you-know-bob’ clunky exposition on one end and extremely restrained, subtle explorations of complex character dynamics on the other; endless shots of neon bleeding into black and blue corridors, shadows and silhouettes; my delight in seeing it celebrate and deconstruct the dark nolan-y batman aesthetic at the same time; my bafflement that it’s so fucking goddamn obsessed with the batfam when it’s supposed to be about the TITANS; kory just... saving every overburdened, clunky scene that she’s in by her sparkling charisma. just... *chef’s kiss*. muah. my show is back, in all its glory.

MY SHOW IS BACK, Y’ALL!

1.5. i mean... this show is so artful and weird and not afraid to go absolutely bonkers in exploring its characters’ psyche, but can just about barely stage a passable comic book fight when every tom dick and harry and their new streaming services can deliver ones that are far more exciting. i love this show with every atom of my body.

(there’s something to be said about rooting for the underdog as well. a pleasure in finding something to love about what other people dismiss. but! enough navel gazing! i have fictional characters’ navels to look at! metaphorically! and maybe literally!)

2. i expected jason’s death to come about pretty early in the season as soon as i heard rumours that red hood was showing up, but for it to happen in the first five minutes of the first episode... that’s a record.

(well. “happen.” still don’t know what exactly went down there.)

2.25. GOD. jason is such a tortured and tragic character in this show, used and passed around by people with alleged good intentions, never really fitting in anywhere. he’s veritably bleeding vulnerability and the need to belong, the need to be known, and yet the tragedy is that his death proves that nobody in his life knew anything about him at all; that they only saw the flimsy walls he put up to protect his soft core, and thought that that was all there was. that they say they loved him, but blame him for his own death.

dick is flabbergasted that jason can read, though we know from last season, from what jason revealed to rose, that he has a love for plays and music. barbara is quick to dismiss his actions as ‘impulsive’. bruce has no idea that his supposed son was building his own little chemistry lab right under his nose, and beyond that, no idea that jason needed structure, stability and validation beyond being left alone in a huge house with a treasure trove of dangerous weapons. kory thought his decision to fight the joker was from not learning and growing when the guy tried to kill himself last season and nobody apart from dick even tried to talk to him about it! did you consider that he might still be suicidal? especially after the titans admitted to having “given up” on him because he was just “too hard”?

2.5. the one thing that’s been consistent across all three seasons (so far) of the show is the unreliable narrator trope. there’s a reason why the characters’ dismissals of jason’s actions as impulsive is so repetitive; why jason’s death is a mystery dick feels compelled to solve. it’s a flailing attempt to know his brother much too late--but with red hood, maybe he gets a second chance, just like he got one with the titans. this is what jason’s arc has been building up to. this is ‘death in the family’ but more fucked up in some ways. it didn’t linger on the death because the death wasn’t the point. the joker isn’t the point. everything that came before it is.

this way it will also make perfect sense that the red hood’s main enemy becomes the titans rather than batman.

2.75. goodness knows what’s going on with jason’s little chemistry project. at first i thought he was immunising himself to joker gas or something, but maybe it’s what passes for lazarus pit juice in this universe?

anyway, it’s pretty impressive that jason learnt all of that from a college chemistry textbook. STOP BRINGING UP THAT HE READ SOMETHING, DICK--

2.8. i’m glad that dick doesn’t immediately sink into self-loathing and guilt and tries to investigate jason’s death while also acknowledging how he failed him. it’s like he actually learned something from the last two years!

anyway. more about dick later.

3. oh how i love titans!bruce. a lot of characters had a lot of Opinions on his reaction to jason’s death in this episode, but again, i ask you to consider that they’re unreliable narrators, and this universe’s bruce is a product of how it shaped him. bruce wayne has become a phantom to himself--an artifice borne out of vigorous discipline and crushing self-denial.

bruce has been batman for a very long time, and without a robin for much longer. (dick must be... in his early thirties? so he was robin for about, say, 10-12 years according to the timeline of the show. that still makes bruce pretty old when he took on his first robin.) things have... calcified (possibly parts of his brain). the personal cost and the collateral from the mission he’s taken up for most of his life is too much to countenance; it has to be a war, and war requires sacrifice.

on some level bruce knows that’s a lie. he’s so goddamned alone. what’s he going to do? sit down and cry? who’s going to listen to him now? oh, is he going to just stop being batman? who’s going to stop gotham from consuming herself then? he’ll just have to forge ahead, do better next time, maybe he’ll be firmer with them, or kinder with them, or notice more things, or train them harder, or spend more time--

3.25. don’t get me wrong: titans!bruce is an asshole and a half. his roster of potential robins was honestly bone-chilling. the fact that there’s a twisted root of compassion makes it more disturbing.

3.5. alfred’s dead! it must’ve been pretty recent, because i could’ve sworn that dick tried to call alfred in the very first episode of season 1, or at least considered calling him...

what a devastating double-blow for bruce then, losing his father-figure and his, uh.... son-figure so close together.

4. i don’t know about barbara yet. i mean, i like her, but she had so much clunky expository dialogue to deliver this episode, and for an episode that was named after her, she only showed up halfway through it. but i like the weight of history behind her interactions with both bruce and dick and her compassion to bruce before he cruelly crossed a line. i also like the implication that she and dick have been in touch recently, and that she didn’t immediately try to guilt-trip dick about some perceived abandonment. it’d be too repetitive.

4.5. there’s also a sense that she ran interference for dick a lot whenever there was something Too Big and Emotional for him to confront directly, and i like and appreciate that character beat.

5. dick, my man! it really does feel like a substantial length of time has passed between the end of s2 and the beginning of s3... kory’s got a new costume, they’ve become celebrities in SF, working missions together, and dick’s actually smiling! genuinely enjoying his work and having fun with it for possibly the first time in the entire series! it’s really a far cry from the fractured, dysfunctional mess that they were at the end of the last season.

i just hope this doesn’t mean that they’ve magically reached a resolution off-screen to all of their fucked-upness from last season, and that the repercussions--for gar in particular--are actually addressed on screen.

5.25. i mentioned this briefly above, but it really is so refreshing that dick doesn’t wallow in guilt and self-loathing after jason’s death; he acknowledges his and the titans’ failure, is able to admit to barbara honestly that he’s not doing great, and is actively trying to reach out to bruce to make sure he’s ok, is trying to investigate what made jason seek out the joker on his own, and is probably the only person not immediately buying that it was jason’s recklessness that got him killed. i love that dick is finally beginning to trust his instincts or just employ them at all after years of guilt and paranoia and self-loathing. we love some positive character growth!

5.5. another thing i love? the bruce-dick interactions on this show. every scene they’re in together is so fraught with tension, both of them holding themselves back, their emotions on a whipcord-tight leash. dick wants to reach out to bruce, is even somewhat familiar with this brand of denial in the wake of grief, but wants barbara to make the first move because he genuinely does not know how to get bruce to open up. his instincts are right, and wonderful, and genuine, but his expression has been smothered by years of trauma, emotional and physical self-discipline, and what i suspect is poorly treated mental illness.

it takes a lot for him to finally explode at bruce at the end of the episode--in a way he hasn’t done even when his only opinion of bruce was ‘fuck him’--and it’s all the more startling for how subdued he’s been through the episode, how much he’s been holding back his emotions for bruce’s sake. love it.

5.75. it sort of hurts my heart to see the flying graysons poster in jason’s room. there are a few implications:

a) jason settled into dick’s old room despite living in a giant mansion with dozens of other rooms he could’ve used

b) he didn’t take down dick’s poster--not when he moved in and was idolising him, not when he moved out of the titans and was sort of hating him. i wonder if the reminder of what dick was before robin--that he was forged out of unspeakable tragedy--gave jason the connection to dick that he so desperately wanted in real life

c) dick moved right back into the room and slept on the bed that was now jason’s. grief can be so quiet and piecemeal sometimes.

6. i spy the beginnings of actual arcs for both gar and kory! i just hope that with the move to gotham their stories don’t fall to the wayside...

6.5. i’ve known tim drake for less than ten minutes but if anything were to happen to him i’d kill everybody

7. this review has gone on for too long and i am tiRED. however, before i leave: i miss some of the dedication-to-aesthetic that titans season 1 used to have. remember how the first few episodes didn’t really feel like a superhero show but something out of gothic horror? there was something gorgeous and raw about that, about open landscapes and the road and creepy buildings looming up at the end of it. moving to titans tower in s2 really ruined a lot of that for me, given its ripped-from-architectural-digest aesthetic, all smooth and clean and artificial.

i hope that we really explore gotham’s hellscape in interesting and innovative ways instead of camping out in the batcave all the time and indulging in the show’s unending love for long corridors, neon backlights and silhouettes.

8.....

9. wait, fuck, HOW CAN I FORGET ABOUT HOT PSYCHIATRIST GUY (TM)??? NONE of you prepared me for his return! NONE OF YOU! i gasped! i got up and did a happy dance!

listen, titans writers, if you’ve had a peek at my titans s3 wishlist, please go ahead and give the other items on the list a go too, thankyouverymuch.

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #jason todd #dick grayson #bruce wayne #barbara gordon #a tragic jalebi #a byronic cupcake

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saltyyetbland · 4 years ago

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tw abuse , manipulation , violence

the circumstances of tommys death fits so well.

tommy was actually free. he didnt have to visit dream in prison one final time. he decided to do that on his own. and his free will led to dream.

the prison itself is a representation of tommys trauma. it being a small space, made out of obsidian, covered in lava with dream right in the center of it. tommy going to the prison represents him confronting his trauma.

when the prison went into lockdown we all thought that tommy would be getting manipulated and be broken when he gets out. that wasnt necessarily true.

was tommy kind of losing himself? yes. but he was still standing his ground and talking back to dream.

it all switched when tommy killed the cat.

during the stream, tommy referred to the cat as “hope” for dream. he talked about how the cat being killed would make dream lose hope, which is why he killed it. but in reality, the cat symbolized tommy’s hope. it was his cat after all.

when sam was telling tommy that he couldn’t come and get him yet, that was the hope going away. this changed the tone of what goes on in the prison cell.

then the shouting begins. honestly it was just a lot of back and forth yelling for a good chunk of it but names were being thrown out.

techno and schlatt.

techno because of dream’s favour and schlatt because of the revival book.

both who just so happen to be 2 of tommys most prominent “enemies”. two of which, at the end, worked for dreams side. the conversation switching from tommy mocking dream by singing roadtrip to them talking about tommys enemies and dreams “allies” shows the shift in power.

it is also nice to note that when they were talking about the book, wilbur wasn’t even mentioned. it was tubbo instead. even though the reason why tommy initially kept dream around and wanted the book was to revive wilbur, tubbo was who dream targeted.

tubbo isnt dead like wilbur. if tubbo dies, then there would be 2 people that tommy would want to bring back. as well, he would be forced to grieve his best friend - basically the loss would be fresh.

as well, during their yelling, dream compares himself to god. this is ironic cause it is dream who kills tommy, like how a god smites a human for disobeying or to prove a point. tommy made dream angry, tommy paid the price.

so far we’ve got tommy in a place that represents his traumas with his main manipulator yelling at him. this brings him back to exile or pogtopia, his mental pain.

theyre yelling about topics that pertain to his “enemies” while also making tommy realize that tubbo, his best friend, could be in danger. of course, this will cause emotional pain.

and now the physical pain. dream literally beating tommy to death. if you didnt realize it but being beaten to death is worse than getting shot. its constant hard-hitting pain.

as well, getting beaten to death is not some heroic way to die. its not the “bang” that we all expected to be when tommy lost his 3rd life. it went exactly as how dream said so in exile. tommy will be alone, the only person whos there will be dream and tommy will be weak. tommy will be truly alone.

tommy, who was literally free from all of this a week ago, was in mental, emotional and physical pain when he died. this was a climax of all of tommys traumas - no wonder this is how he died.

#dream smp #dream smp spoilers #tommyinnit #dream #prison arc #dream smp analysis #dreamwastaken #tw manipulation #tw abuse #tw violence

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lyukablau · 3 years ago

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Kunikida helping his s/o who suffer from self harm.

TRIGGERS WARNING: cutting behavior, blood, slight angst and grammar errors.

Type: Scenarios, fluff and comfort.

A/N: Hi it's Lyuka! This is the second scenario I wrote, I hope it doing fine! Please make sure you see the warning first and avoid the triggers for your own safety! You have been warned.

Word count: 1.7k

Every morning you wake up, you keep wondering how come you are still alive, after all the trauma you have? How come he still stays by your side, even though you are broken inside?

Y/N woke up in an empty bed, cold bedroom, and silent house. You feel like the world has reached its end and now you are alone.

You miss him, again. Although you guys meet each other every day and a couple are you, you always feel like he is not by your side anymore.

Not good, you need to see him right now. But first, you have to clean your dried bloody wrist, you can’t let him see that.

You get out of bed, go to the bathroom and do your morning routine. You look at yourself in the mirror, eyes puffy, tired face and exhausted look. Maybe you should take a day off and sleep because last night you couldn’t. You consider that you should stay at home today, or ignore the pain and go to work like usual.

That’s it. You should rest and do your best tomorrow, you are not sure if you can work properly today.

Y/N go back to bed and shut the curtains, put the blanket on your body and close your eyes. Your wrist is still itching, and you don’t have the urge to place the band-aids on them, let say that you can’t, you want to but you can’t. All you must do right now is call the resident, told him that you feel sick and can’t go to the agency today.

When the resident told you to take care and allowed you to have a day off, you sigh in relief and close your eyes immediately, the long sleep is all you need after a rough battle with your mind last night.

“Y/N-chan couldn’t go to work today? Oh no! Then who would I commit double suicide with?”

“All you can think is just that?”

“Of course I’m curious too, maybe she caught a cold and has a high fever right now. Not good, I need to call her!”

“Stop right there you wasting-bandage machine. You have work, don’t you remember?”

“All right. I just want to remind you to check up on her, she’s your woman, right? Kunikida-kun”

“I know that much, so stop talking and do your work now, Dazai”

Dazai smiles and sits at his desk, puts on his headphones and leans his back on the chair.

Kunikida wondered why you didn’t call him, saying that you can’t go to the agency today. Maybe you are exhausted because of the fever and you forgot to do it, he will call you after this paperwork is done.

You woke up again, in the same bed, the same bedroom. It’s already time for lunch but you are too tired to get up and find something to eat, both physically and mentally. You opened your eyes and stared at the curtains, thinking about last night and the images of you cutting your wrist like it wasn’t a big deal. You have already gotten used to it for a long time.

A long time? When did it start? You have been in this state for how long? A month? A year? Or ten years? You don’t remember.

You get your heavy head up, tiredly go to the bathroom and again, you see yourself in the mirror.

“Stop looking at me”

You said toward the mirror, such a nonsense sentence. You keep staring at your own eyes reflected in the mirror, see how disgusting you have been and how much you fucked up. You can’t stand it anymore, you hit your knuckles to the wall next to you, strong and hard enough to make your hand bleed.

Again, it’s coming to you.

The feeling of not doing anything good, the feeling of failure and disappointment about yourself. You run out of the bathroom, rush to your desk in the bedroom and grab the paper knife and start cutting.

But the ringtone from your phone stops you after one deep cut.

It’s him.

You hesitated to pick up, but you feel helpless right now. You need him, for a very long time, you feel the need for someone to help you.

You pick up, the tear begins to fill your eyes and drop on the floor. Your chest feels heavy and hurt so much that you can’t answer his question.

“Y/N, are you okay? Answer me please”

“Doppo…”

“What’s wrong?”

The emotions are so strong that you can’t bear them, this is the first time you have such a feeling like this. Your heart is beating so fast that you can’t breathe properly. Before you could say something to him, the darkness covers your sight, and you can’t hear anything else.

“Y/N? Y/N!”

Kunikida was completely in panic and worry, he was sure that you collapsed during the call. Were you that tired? He calls Dazai, tells that man everything just happened and helps him to tell the resident that he has to go to Y/N place right now. Dazai seems to know everything and just says okay. Kunikida grabs his stuff and leaves the agency in a rush.

He ran to your house, remember that you have allowed him to keep a spare key to your front door. Kunikida cursed to himself when he struggled to open the door.

Kunikida dashes in to see the dark and cold room, your house always like this? He takes off his shoes and finds you laying on the bedroom floor, wrist bleeding and unmoved.

“Y/N!”

He holds you in his arm carefully, his eyes seek the instrument which damaged you and he sees the paper-knife. Kunikida’s eyes were wide open because he understood what just happened, that you didn’t have a fever.

Kunikida carries you to your living room, puts you on the couch and goes to the bathroom to grab a towel. His eyes caught the bloodstains on the wall next to the sink and it didn’t take so long for him to recognize where that had come from.

He drenches the towel and comes back to you laying on the couch, still unconscious. Kunikida kneels, grabs your left arm and starts washing the blood around the cut. After that, he goes to the first cabinet on the right side of the kitchen, takes out the first-aid kit, and now he knows why you tell him where the first-aid kit is and why you allowed him to have a spare key.

Kunikida was patching you up carefully and silently, he saw the other cut which had started to heal up slowly, he counted, its ten cuts in total.

So there were ten times you needed him but he wasn’t there.

Kunikida lifted his head when he saw you shifting. You open your eyes tiredly and almost jump out of the couch when you see him kneel next to you.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“What happened…?”

“You collapsed while we were on the call, so I came here to check on you”.

You are confused a bit and try to remember the time before you fainted, then you scare again.

Now Kunikida knows everything, you can’t hide it anymore. He will leave you, he will reject you and he will break up with you, and you will be alone again.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Am I not trustful enough?”

“Of course not! You are the person that the entire agency can trust, and so am I. I was so happy that a gentle and strong man like you is my boyfriend, but… If I tell you, I won’t be your ideal woman anymore”

The last sentence stabs Kunikida unemotionally, he didn’t think you would think that way. Both of you stay silent for a while until Kunikida wraps his arm around your shaking body, his face in the crook of your neck and hugs you tightly. You can tell that he is crying.

“Please don’t do that again. I love you so much to see you doing this to yourself, I can’t lose my ideal woman, I can’t lose you”

“How come? Now I’m completely a mess! Nobody in this damn world can love a person with mental illness, especially the idealist you are. I can’t ruin your life any further, I don’t want to hurt you because of my goddamn problems!”

Kunikida silent. He keeps hugging you and even tightens the hug, but you insist. You keep pushing him away, not because you don’t love him, but you see how disgusting and pathetic you are.

You don’t deserve him.

“Y/N, you are my ideal woman, no matter how you reject yourself, you are still my woman. I’m not gonna leave you, and I will prove to you that a person with mental illness can be loved. Together, we can get through this, if you allowed me to help you”

Kunikida talking slowly and calmly. It is clear that this is not written in his notebook, but he will fix it with you and he won’t leave you, he loves you so much to do it.

Your heart sink even deeper into the way Kunikida comforted you. You hug him back and crying like a child, Kunikida strokes your hair and rubs your back soothingly, kiss your face randomly.

“I’m so proud of you, Y/N. You did a great job, you were so brave and strong. I’m proud of you for living until today, you don’t have to suffer by yourself anymore”

You recognized the reason for living and stop cutting after crying a while. If you have gone, your boyfriend will be hurt and you will break his ideals, and he will be hurt even more.

You need him, and so he is.

“Did you eat something?”

“No, I haven’t eaten anything”

“Can I borrow your kitchen? I’ll make some food for both of us”

“Let me help-”

“Leave it to me, love. It won’t take long, now go wash your face then we can have lunch together”

“Okay”

You hug Kunikida again, his scent calms you down and his strong arms make you feel safe and warm. Just thinking you will eat lunch with your boyfriend, the fear and loneliness vanish away from your mind.

The pain on your wrist no longer bothering you.

#Kunikida x reader #scenarios #fluff #comfort #bsd x reader #Kunikida x reader fluff #Make sure you see the warning first!!!

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ghoulciifer · 4 years ago

Note

Heey😊 Could you do a headcanon about shinsou and hawks with a partner who has ptsd, please?

hc: Shinsou and Hawks with an s/o who has ptsd.

tw: ptsd, abuse (emotional and physical), blood

tags: hurt/comfort, mental health, recovery

notes: hi anon, ty for sending in this request ❥ i sincerely hope that you are okay and doing well. please know i am by no means a therapist but i do hope these hc’s bring you comfort. be safe and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to ❥

» i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, shinsou is a very caring and understanding human and will not hesitate to express that to someone he cares deeply for

» so when he learns his s/o has ptsd? of course he’s going to comfort you and make it very clear he’ll support you through anything.

» you two were out getting coffee one day, enjoying the cloudy weather bc you knew that meant the amount of people out and about would be scarce (cute lil’ emos)

» and while you were in line waiting to order you engaged in some idle chatter, his hand resting on your lower back, debating whose drink of choice was the best boy thinks he knows shit bc he lives off caffeine PFFF

» it was finally your turn to order but the second you made it to the counter your entire body froze

» the barista must’ve been new because you’ve never seen his face here before, and you would’ve easily avoided the place had you known because he looked identical to your abusive ex

» shinsou’s never seen that asshole before, so he gets a bit confused when he feels your body tense up and wonders why you’re not responding to the barista asking for your order

» you’re sweating bullets and all of the sudden it feels like your chest is turning in on itself, the anxiety and stress on your body making bile threaten to rise in your throat but all you can do is stand there with wide eyes fixated on anything but him

» shinsou’s quick to take the intitiative and order for the both of you before gently ushering you to the corner of the shop, sitting you down at an isolated booth and sitting in front of you to sheild you from any passerby while you try to calm down

» “Hey it’s okay, kitten, shhh... take your time, I’m right here. It’s just me and you.”

» he knows you get like this when experiencing one of your triggers, being the attentive boyfriend he is, so instead of pestering you and potentially making things worse he’s trying to deduce what the cause of your panic attack was

» all while holding your hand or rubbing your back in soothing strokes; unless physical contact isn’t the way to go for you, in which case he’ll shush your tears away and whisper words of affirmation your way at a respectful distance

» does not leave your side until you’ve recovered (even though the barista called his name 20 mins ago but you’re WAY more important)

» once he sees you’ve calmed down significantly, he’ll remind you he’s here for you and tells you you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to

» but you decide to explain to him why you just shut down all of the sudden and how you actually feel bad bc you know it’s not the barista’s fault he looks like your shitwad ex who inflicted so much trauma on you

» shinsou will definitely have to swallow the anger that follows when he hears how that asshole is still making you feel less than what you deserve BUT doesn’t let that show at all

» instead he’ll soak up every word that falls from your lips and nod intently, holding your hand and rubbing the knuckles w his thumb, putting a lil kiss there every now and then he’s so fuckin sweet

» he’ll tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad, that no one can ever really control their triggers, and that he’s so grateful you’re out of that situation and he’ll never let you experience something like that ever again

» eventually (once your breathing has regulated) you ask him about your coffees and he’s like “oh yea”

» your drinks are cold by the time he goes to get them but neither of you really care, he’s just glad you’re okay and you’re happy to be there with him

» shinsou never fails to make you feel safe when you’re around him and you’ve never felt so loved <3

» bird brain is also a very kind and considerate boyfriend, i refuse to believe he’s this suave womanizer like i’ve seen some people portray (which is ok !! just not what i see tbh)

» i also believe that he knows a thing or two about ptsd so he’ll 100% understand what you’re dealing with and how to handle it

» in that case you two would help each other through your triggers when they occur (just supportive couple tings, uwu)

» so it’s no surprise he’s dropping everything to run to you when you call him, completely panicked at home while he’s at work

» you were cutting up some fruits and veggies for yours and hawks’ bento boxes for the week, you liked doing so on your day off so you wouldn’t have to worry about it when you got busy

» unfortunately your winged boyfriend couldn’t be there to annoy you help like he usually does because he ended up needing to finish some extra paperwork at the agency

» so you were in the kitchen by yourself, jammin’ out to your favorite songs, hips swaying as you carefully cut up your produce

» however after a particularly good song blasted through the speakers, you started loosening up and weren’t being as careful anymore

» the blade of the knife nicked the tip of your finger and you immediately dropped its handle, clutching your hand with a hiss

» initially you were just focused on finding something to stop the bleeding and found a stray kitchen towel to do the job, but something about the scene before you seemed much too familiar...

» memories of fights with your abusive ex flooded your mind as you watched the towel stain crimson, taking you back to the numerous times you had to do this very action when he took his anger out on you by flinging whatever object he had on his person at your shaking frame

» suddenly the room began to spin and it felt as if your chest was caving in on itself as you held onto your wrist, fingernails leaving indents at the skin

» your body moved for the phone on instinct texting hawks with only one word, it was all you could muster with your hands shaking and tears clouding your vision

» the minute he saw the word “panic” flash across his screen? best believe he was reaching for the first exit to fly home at mach fuckin’ 20

» luckily the agency was fairly close to the apt. so it took him less than 5 minutes to be by your side, opting to land on the balcony instead of going through the main building

» “Y/N? Everything okay??”

» he frantically searched the house before finding you curled up on the kitchen floor and clutching to a bloody towel against the cabinetry

» he caught a glimpse of the fruit on the cutting board and quickly determined what happened before kneeling beside you to pull you into his lap, stroking your hair for a moment before prying your wrist away from your chest to inspect the damage

» “Shhh, dove, it’s okay, I’m here... I’m just gonna take a look, okay? We gotta stop the bleeding, I’ve got you, sweet (girl/boy).”

» your tear stained, puffy, red face makes his heart ache but he waits for you to nod before removing the towel

» gives you a kiss to the temple after determining you do in fact need to be bandaged up and scoops you off of the floor, holding you close to his chest

» he’ll take you to the bathroom and get you fixed up before pulling your head to his chest, arms wrapped around you and hands rubbing your back as you come down from your panicked state

» you don’t even have to explain anything to him bc he just knows, he’s well aware of the stories you told him of past relationships and how you got those scars on your body.

» also becomes furious every time but will not let it show, all he cares about is keeping you grounded as you listen to his heartbeat against your cheek

» you murmur a soft “thank you” to him once the tears cease and he simply hums in response, reminding you no thanks is necessary because he does this out of his deep love for you.

» “You’ll never have to feel unsafe again, dove, I’ll always come to you... I’ll always be right here.”

#shinsou headcanons #hawks headcanons #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinsou x reader #hawks x reader #keigo takami x reader #hofortendou hc’s #tw: ptsd #tw: abuse #tw: blood #bnha headcanons #bnha

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iliveiloveiwrite · 4 years ago

Text

freedom, books, flowers, and the moon.

A/N: Here is my entry in @approved-by-dentists ‘s follower celebration! Congrats again on 400, lovely! My prompt was Bookstore AU - so here we go! I’m worried that it doesn't entirely fit the prompt but there is a bookstore! So I'm halfway there! The book I mention is The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (I always recommend this book - read it, love it) and I had to use Yorkshire because Yorkshire is home to the Brontes and I live in Bronte country so I had to do it. Nevertheless I hope you all enjoy! As always, I love you all!

Summary: “With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?” - Oscar Wilde.

Pairing: Harry Potter x Fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions of war, mentions of grief, mentions of book hangovers.

Word count: 4.1k

For many, the second wizarding war had been less than a year long. They had experienced less than a year of the insecurity, the anxiety and the dread that goes through everyone’s mind in time of war.

For Harry, the second wizarding war had been a lot longer. He had been battling the Dark Lord mind to mind for years, and after his defeat, he felt exhausted. He was not only drained physically – the final duel taking its toll on him. But he was drained mentally, for all of a sudden, the space in his mind that he had shared with the darkest wizard in a century, was free. Harry could no longer feel his presence within him; the dark part of him that festered like an open wound.

It was a good thing, that he could no longer feel him. Harry knew that. But still, a part of him lingered too long on the idea that this was all a sense of false security. He had been living on the adrenaline of the chase for too long, and now that it was leaving his body, Harry had no clue what he needed to do. What he wanted to do.

He had the option of becoming an auror, and his teachers had supported him with that career choice. But a small part of him wondered whether he would be damaging himself further by throwing himself back into the fray to round up the last remaining Death Eaters.

It’s Hermione who plants this idea of him going away in his head. She has watched him battle internally with the different possible paths of his future; she had watch him argue and argue with his mind until he still had no answer.

Hermione tells him one night, over tea at the Burrow, “Harry, why don’t you get away for a while?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean go somewhere. Take some time away to heal; to come to terms with the last few years of your life. We’ve spent so long on the move, always having to be aware, that you haven’t had the time to process your emotions for everything.”

“Where would I go?” He whispers, fear creeping into his voice.

“I’m not sure,” Hermione says softly, “Let’s look at a map.” With a flick of her wand, a map of the British Isles lays itself out in front of them. “Where would you fancy?”

“I’m not sure,” Harry confesses, eyes pouring over the details of the maps – taking in the numerous counties.

“Okay. Close your eyes and point on the count of three.” Hermione states, “Are you ready?”

Harry closes his eyes, shuffling forward on the chair, “I’m ready.”

“3…2…1.” Hermione counts, and Harry’s finger circles the map once before landing.

Harry refuses to open his eyes. He’s in disbelief that he’s let himself decide his future on a three, two, one countdown. He’s been impulsive before but now he’s wary.

He doesn’t want to look. “Where am I going then?”

He can hear Hermione shuffle to look at where his finger has landed; her silence giving nothing away.

“Hermione?” He asks, slight panic setting in.

“Harry, take a look.”

Harry opens his eyes, blinking quickly before focusing on the map and his finger.

His finger points to a small village in Yorkshire. A place he had never been to.

Harry falls back into the chair with a sigh, “I guess that’s where I’m going.”

--------------------------

Spring:

Harry moves in the spring.

He spends the final weeks of winter with the Weasleys being stopped at all times of the day to be told why he shouldn’t be doing this; that he could heal just as well in the wizarding world.

He loves their attempts to get him to stay, but they don’t entirely understand why he needs to go.

He arrives in the small Yorkshire village on a bright day in March; blossoms have started to bloom on the trees and in a week, they would be covered, filling their air with their sweet and floral scent. His misses everyone strongly; feeling it keenly within his chest, but he knows how desperately needed to get away.

A month into his arrival at the small village in the moors, Harry feels he has settled very well into country life. He’s found his routine and he feels as if he’s beginning to heal from the trauma of the war and before. The clean, country air clears his lungs and his daily walks through the village has mind numb enough and his body tired enough that he can sleep through most of the night without waking once from a nightmare.

He still struggles; his still has those moments where he can’t be certain the war has finished and he’s safe but the longer he spends in the village, the less they happen.

A month into his arrival at the small village, Harry realises that he needs to thank Hermione for what she did for him that night at the Burrow. She saw his suffering and gave him a solution.

Walking through the green, he spies the small bookshop nestled on the corner of a small side street. If there was anything on this planet that Hermione loved more than Ron, it was a book.

Harry pauses for an instant outside the door to take in the window display. Both windows, and even the door window, have been painted with a cherry blossom display to mark the true entrance into spring. The blossoms fall from the tree in swirls of pinks and red, falling over the books perched on the windowsill inside – the personal recommendations for the season.

The bell above the door chimes as Harry enters the shop and he is immediately overwhelmed with the smell of old books, worn leather, and what he think is lavender. It is comforting though. He had never been much of a reader other than Quidditch strategy manuals, but something about this little shop has him feeling at home among the countless shelves piled high with books. He takes a few steps further into the shop, eyes running over title after title on multiple paperbacks and hardbacks.

Harry runs his fingers over the spines of the leather-bound volumes but stops when he realises that he hasn’t any idea of the type of book Hermione enjoys to read. She had textbooks in her hands so often at Hogwarts, but Harry can’t recall the last time he had seen her with a fiction book open in her lap.

He frowns, glaring at the books.

“Can I help you?” A lilting voice sounds from behind the stacks, “You look to be in a bad mood with my books, and that can’t possibly be right.”

“This is your shop?”

“For the last year it has been, before that I used to just work weekends.”

“It’s very homely.” Harry compliments.

You chuckle, “It’s overstocked but it adds charm and character, plus the more books there are, the stronger the old book smell and who can resist that! So stranger, how can I help you?”

Harry blushes slightly, “My name is Harry, you can call me Harry. I can’t decide what to buy for a friend.”

You come out from behind the shelves, and Harry’s eyes rake over you – taking in the nose piercing and the small tattoos peeking out of the sleeves of your thin sweater.

“Well Harry, I’m (Y/N). What does your friend like to read?”

“I don’t really know; I only ever saw her read textbooks at school to keep her grades up.”

You smile understandingly; indecision was something you encountered often in your shop, “Alright, let’s see what I can drum up. Would you like to follow me?”

Harry nods in answer but you don’t see. You’ve already turned away from him making your way through the complicated maze of shelves. Harry follows blindly, keeping his eyes on the back of your head.

You stop by a shelf that isn’t as occupied as the others. In fact, compared to the other shelves, this one is empty of books. Only a few books stand on the shelf, wide gaps between them.

Your eyes run over their spines; head tilted slightly; you think before pulling a book from its space. “I think this one will do,” you murmur, holding the book out for Harry to take.

“Agnes Grey?” He reads from the front cover.

“You’re in Bronte country, you have to know that right?”

“I’ve never heard of them,” He admits to which you gasp, holding a hand to your chest.

“I am hurt, good sir. You’ll have to buy this book for your friend now.”

Harry smiles, “I think I might. If she has read anything by the Bronte’s, I’m not to know.”

“It’s a rare edition as well. There’s only around a fifty or so copies left so I’m making sure it’s going to good home.”

“It definitely is. My friend worships books.”

You lead Harry to the till where the book is rang through and paid for. “Let me know what she thinks? She must be very special for you to buy this.”

Harry takes the book with a smile, “I’ll be back to let you know.”

---------------------------

Summer:

Spring bleeds into summer, and the floral scent from spring has turned into something headier – pulling Harry out bed earlier, keeping him outside for longer. Each day he walks past your shop, waving back at you as you wave to him from your seat by the till. Harry returns to your shop when he received Hermione’s owl thanking him for his gift and asking where he found such a rare edition.

Harry was more than happy to pass on Hermione’s compliments to you, enjoying the way you light up at his friend’s words.

“What about you? Do you read?” You ask him.

Harry shakes his head. At the look on your face, Harry suddenly wishes he had read every single book available to him and Hogwarts. “You’ll have to recommend something to me.” He suggests.

You disappear between the stacks at his words, reading title after title before finding one you think he would like.

You give a shout of success when you find the book you were looking for. You refuse to show Harry the title as you place it gently into a paper bag.

“I know you’ll like this, but you have to promise me one thing.”

“Which is?” Harry replies, curiosity lacing his tone.

“You have to promise me to come back and tell me if you enjoyed it.”

“I promise.” Harry replies, too fast… much too fast, but it doesn’t seem like you mind.

You smile at him, “I’ll see you soon, hopefully.”

Harry reaches for his wallet, having every intention on paying you but your hand on his arm has him freezing, “No payment needed,” You state firmly, “Just come back and tell me what you think.”

Harry thanks you, which you wave away, before leaving. He hightails it back to his home where he makes himself a pot of coffee and sits down at his kitchen table with your brown paper bag in front of him. He feels nervous as he opens the bag, hands wrapping around a thick paperback.

The book cover is predominantly black, but there are two white figures on the front surrounded by objects found in a circus. Harry take a sip of his coffee before opening to the first page: ‘The circus arrives without warning.’

He doesn’t move for the rest of the day; he remains sat at his kitchen table in awe of the book in front of him. He finishes the coffee but doesn’t get up to make another post for fear of being pulled away from the story so soon. Harry feels as if the author herself has been in contact with magic and understands the base wonder that comes with it. His eyes pour over the pages, committing to memory the love story and the saga of The Night Circus.

He closes the book hours later, feeling both bereft and satisfied at the end.

For a long time, Harry stares at the book wondering how a collection of pages bound in black and white could hold him so tightly to the fictional world.

He goes to bed filled with happiness but also empty from the fact that he had finished it so soon. Thoughts of the books have him falling into a sleep wherein he doesn’t wake screaming from nightmares, but rather dreams of striped monochromatic circus tents and caramel popcorn.

Harry paces his living room until it’s a suitable time to run to your bookshop. The moment the clock strikes nine, he’s out the door, putting on his jacket as he runs. He holds the book in his hands as if it’s made of glass; as if one wrong move, and the dream world he entered from the first page, will be shattered.

The relief Harry feels when he sees your shop light on spurs him faster. He bustles in through the door, giving you a fright. “Harry!”

“What is this book?” He practically shouts, holding the cover up for you to see.

You grin widely, “So you finished it?”

“I didn’t move until I had!” He cries.

“So you enjoyed it then?”

“I loved it. I’ve never read a book like this before.”

“I knew you would. The minute I saw the cover I knew you would enjoy the book.”

“I just couldn’t put it down.”

You nod, knowing that exact feeling so well it was second nature, “Have I brought you to the dark side then, Harry?”

Harry grins toothily, “I don’t know. What else do you have?”

He visits your shop every day after that, bringing you lunch and a takeaway cup of tea. You admitted to him early on in your friendship that you got so caught up in the stacks of books that you often forgot to eat until it was closing time and you were ravenous, so Harry makes it his mission to bring you lunch.

He had never been much of a cook; had never needed to with the house-elves at Hogwarts but for you, he could scrape together a couple of sandwiches and a flask of tea.

Your bookshop gets more traffic through summer due to the tourist season – people come from far and wide to walk the moors and step where the Bronte sisters once did, each imagining their own Heathcliff or Mr. Rochester. Harry hasn’t seen you happier than when you recommend a book to a customer knowing that it is the right fit. You greet every customer with a smile and give them personalised recommendations if they’re struggling with their choice.

The window display changes too. A summer scene now covers the windows and door; bright colours depict a summer sunset at the beach whilst the books recommended this season are lovingly placed on the windowsill.

Summer also brings with it the change in your relationship. A close friendship develops between the two of you; you even going so far to invite Harry over to your flat above the bookshop. Harry’s nervous as he enters your home, but soon falls in love with it.

Pressed, dried flowers decorate the walls in frames. They litter the walls in their varying sizes. Harry finds himself wandering over to them, checking if his seven years of Herbology was to fail him. Irises, rose petals, lavender – he can identify those easily. However, there are some that he feels certain that Professor Sprout or Neville Longbottom wouldn’t be able to identify.

You notice him studying your walls, “It’s a hobby of mine along with the books.”

“It’s wonderful.”

“Thank you,” You murmur, shyly, “My grandmother taught me; she loved the quote by Oscar Wilde.”

“I’m afraid you’ve caught me at a disadvantage.”

“’With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?’ She lived by this quote. It’s their bookshop below us, you see, and she taught me how to press flowers and she would always find something romantic to say about the moon. My grandmother was a free spirit that even my grandfather could not tame, but why would you want to?”

“She sounds like an incredible woman.”

“She was, I miss her.”

“She’d be proud of how you’re running the shop.”

“Thank you, Harry. Now would you like a drink? I have coffee, tea, hot chocolate…”

“I’ll have a coffee please.” Harry says, sitting down on the aged couch. Your flat is a collision of personalities; he can clearly see your grandparents influence among your own decoration and it creates something entirely unique.

You come back into living room with two mugs of coffee in either hand. You give one to harry before sitting next to him. He smiles at you in thanks before asking, “What are you reading currently?”

From the way your eyes light up as you talk about your current read along with your love for your shop, Harry begins to feel himself slowly fall in love with you.

He can feel the change in the air after that night. His feelings for you are well established within him. You help him feel hope for the future; for a better world – and he wants to share that world with you. but he feels the pressure of his secret weighing down on him.

He hasn’t told you out of fear; he can’t gauge your reaction to finding out he’s a wizard and classed as a war-hero. He’s worried to tell you for the panic that it could potentially ruin the budding relationship between you.

Harry confesses under candlelight. A summer storm knocked out the power, so he helps you light your large collection of candles before lying on the floor of your flat next to you.

There’s something pure about the atmosphere, with being surrounded by tens of candles that Harry feels he needs absolution from keeping this from you for so long. He whispers his confession; tells you everything. From his birth until now. He hopes and hopes for repentance among the flickering flames of the candles.

You’re silent through the exchange; letting Harry say his piece. Giving him the chance to unload the weight of the world upon his shoulders as if he were mighty Atlas.

In the end, what Harry says makes no difference to you. You had fallen in love with him over the short time you had known him, and what he confesses doesn’t affect your feelings in any shape of form. If anything, they make them stronger for it shows how much Harry must trust you to tell you something so deep and personal.

You turn onto your side once Harry has fallen silent and is waiting for your reply. You brush a hand across his forehead, pushing his hair back, looking at the faded pink scar in the shape of a lightning bolt. “You have been through a lot, haven’t you?”

Harry closes his eyes at the feel of your hand running through his hair. He hasn’t felt like this for so long; he cannot remember the last time he had felt this relaxed and safe at the same time. He whispers this to you, “I haven’t felt this safe in a long time.”

“I’m glad I make you feel safe.”

Harry turns onto his side, running a finger down the length of your face. He doesn’t miss how you shiver at his touch. He leans in slightly, intoxicated by your very presence but he pulls away at the last possible moment to ask, “Can I kiss you?”

Your free hand pulls him in by his shirt collar, “I’d thought you’d never ask,” You laugh before pressing your lips to his.

In the few months that he has known you, he has fallen head over heels for you. You help to calm the figurative storm that rages within him. In the little flat above the bookshop he has come to adore, he whispers that he loves you.

----------------------------

Autumn:

Summer gives way to autumn and the leaves begin to fall from the trees in earnest. The world returns to orange brown. Your relationship with Harry goes from strength to strength; you’re there to help with the nightmares and the panic that paralyses him now and then. It starts slow, using the bookshop as common ground to get to know each other better.

You decorate the display windows of the bookshop, bringing in Harry to help, though he would have helped you whether you had asked him or not. “Tell me again why we’re painting the windows?” he asks.

You flick a clean paintbrush at him, “Because Harry, it is autumn and autumn means one thing: Halloween. I do it every season; spring, summer, autumn and winter.”

Harry frowns, focusing his attention on painting the outline of a pumpkin, “I’ve never celebrated Halloween.”

“You haven’t? Why?”

“My parents were killed on Halloween, and my aunt and uncle never took me trick or treating anyway.”

You step down from the ladder, placing the paint pot to one side and wiping your hands on your apron. Your hand pulls his away from the window, focusing his attention on you. “I didn’t know, Harry, I’m sorry.” You murmur, wrapping him in a hug.

“You weren’t to know,” He sighs, hugging you tightly back.

You draw back slightly, still not letting him go, “How about this: we spend the day of Halloween mourning your parents, and we spend the evening eating ourselves sick on chocolate and sweets?”

“You’d spend the day with me?”

“I wouldn’t want to do anything else.”

So Harry spends his Halloween with you.

He spends his morning with you in the bookshop, stocking the shelves and reminiscing. You asked him if it would be too painful for him to talk about his parents, but he reassured you that his memories are few and far between so all he truly knows is what he has been told. For the rest of the day, he wanders between the bookshelves, telling you the stories of the Marauders.

“It would make a good book,” You gasp, breathless from laughter as Harry finishes his latest story.

“Do you think?”

“I think that if it was a book, I would definitely read it.”

Harry thinks over your words for a while. He wouldn’t ever write the book; his memories of his family are too precious for him to share with the world but he’s happy to share them all with you. As he dawdles in the shop, inhaling the comforting smell of worn leather and lavender, he thinks that he has never been more grateful for a bookshop in all his life. He feels almost whole again; your shop and you are helping to heal the ever-shrinking hole in his heart.

In the evening, he presses chocolatey kisses to your lips, interrupting you reading the same book that had started this all those months ago. You laugh into his mouth, the book falling to the side as you adjust your positions. You taste like Halloween sweets and he’s entirely addicted to it.

Harry wakes on the first of November with a clearer sense of the path he wants his life to travel down. As he watches you sleep, he knows that it involves books and you – the freedom you offer. Harry watches the sun rise across your face with a new found sense of purpose; he wants to stay here, and he wants to stay with you. He’s lived in this Yorkshire village for months, but he knows now where he wants to plant his roots.

-----------------------------

Winter:

Winter brings with it ice and snow, but it also brings with the year anniversary of his decision to move to the sleepy Yorkshire village.

Hermione and Ron begin to visit often; having not done so earlier to give Harry the chance to heal on his own. Harry introduces them to you on their second visit; you were full of nerves, but they quickly welcomed you into their group.

Hermione and Ron visit more now; Hermione having set up a book exchange with you.

The display windows have been painted to depict a winter scene; a log cabin with smoke, evergreen trees covered in lights. It looks like a perfect piece of heaven. Little did those who admired the window scene know, that his little piece of heaven involved this small corner bookshop opened each morning with love.

The time he spends in your bookshop has only increased; he tries to spend every waking moment with you, choosing to spend the nights with you in your flat above the shop.

Harry watches you as you help customers or as you dawdle aimlessly through the aisles in a moment of quiet. Your feet pad quietly on the carpeted floor and Harry can hear you hum the tune of a song so often played on the radio.

Harry has never really been a fan of books, but he is a fan of you. And he could watch you in your bookshop all day long.

***************

General (HP) taglist: @the-hufflefluffwriter @obsessedwithrandomthings @kalimagik @summer-writes @lupins-sweater @slytherinprincess03 @mischiefsemimanaged @soleil-amaryllis @masterofthedarkness @bforbroadway @chaotic-fae-queen @peachesandpinks @nebulablakemurphy @haphazardhufflepuff @siriusly-addicted-to-writing @firewhisky-kisses @deafgirltingz @kylosleftbuttcheek @heloisedaphnebrightmore @harrypotter289 @sprvpti @accio-rogers @potterverseimagine @figlia--della--luna @angelinathebook @dreamer821

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joneswuzhere · 3 years ago

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hello join me in thinking about some books and authors that are, or might be, part of s5′s intertextuality

5.10 in particular offered specific shout outs, and also u know i’m always wondering what might be ahead so i have some ideas on that:

- first, as mentioned in a previous ask post, i know i wasn’t alone in keeping an eye out for 5.10 parallels to the lost weekend (1945) the film that gave episode 1.10 its name and several themes - or to the 1944 book by charles r jackson which the film is based on

- s5 has not been shy about revisiting earlier seasons, especially s1. altho i feel that 1.10′s parallels to the lost weekend centered characters other than jughead (mostly betty), a 1.10-5.10 connection involving jughead and themes from jackson’s story (addiction, writers block, self reflection) seemed v possible if not inevitable

- but like,, , for a hot minute after the ep, i was really stumped on understanding how anything from the book or film could apply, even tho the pieces were almost all there

- jackson’s protagonist don birnam goes thru and comes out the other side of a harrowing days-long drinking binge that could be compared to jughead’s one-night hallucinogenic writing retreat

- but jughead is struggling primarily with traumatic memories, not addiction and self control like birnam. and tho drinking activates birnam’s creativity, it paralyzes his writing as he gets lost in fantasies; he’s never published anything. jughead’s drug trip recreates circumstances that already helped him write one successful book. even the rat that startles him mid-high doesn’t line up with birnam’s withdrawal vision of a dying mouse, symbolic of his horror at his own self-destruction thru alcohol

- and maybe the most visible discordance: in the film there’s a romantic motif around a typewriter. first it’s an object of shame; birnam’s failure to write, tied up with his drinking, makes him flee his relationship. he tries to pawn the typewriter for booze money and finally a gun when shooting himself feels easier than getting sober. but with the help of relentless encouragement from girlfriend helen, he quits drinking, commits to her, and focuses on typing out the story he’s dreamt of writing. rd goes so far to avoid setting any comparable scenario that jughead has brought a wholeass printer into the bunker so there can still be a physical manuscript to cover in blood by the end, even without his own typewriter. the subtle detail of his laptop bg image is a little less noticeable than his avoidance of betty’s gift

- tabitha might be closer to a parallel than jughead is, but she’s still no helen. both refuse to take advantage of the inebriated men in their care, but birnam takes advantage of helen, financially and emotionally. jughead refused a loan from the tate family and now has resolved to deal with his shit before he considers a relationship with tabitha. instead of helen’s relentless and unwelcomed attempts to get birnam sober, tabitha reluctantly agrees to help jughead trip safely bondage escape notwithstanding. she even helps him get the drugs.

- whatever potentials exist for parallels to jackson’s story, they were not explored for this episode. ok so why tf am i even talking about this? what was there instead?

- i have arrived at the point

- s5 has been revisiting s1, not directly but with a twist. and jughead’s agent samm pansky is back. u may recall, pansky is named for sam lansky

- jughead’s trip-thru-trauma is a story device tapped straight from lansky’s book ‘broken people’

- lansky is like if a millenial john rechy wrote extremely LA-flavored meta but just about himself no jk very like a modern successor to charles r jackson. both play with the boundary between memoir and fiction. lansky is gay; jackson wrote his lost weekend counterpart as closeted and remained closeted himself until only a few years before his death. both write with emotional clarity and self-scrutiny on the experiences of addiction, sobriety, and the surrounding issues of shame and self worth

- i feel like a fool bc after this ep i had been thinking about de quincey and his early writings on addiction (c.1800s), but i failed to carry the thought in the other direction, to contemporary writers in the genre, to make this connection sooner

- lansky’s second book, broken people, follows narrator ‘sam’, mid-20s, super depressed, hastled by his agent to write a decent follow-up to his first book, but too busy struggling with his self-worth and baggage from several past relationships. desperate, he takes up an offer to visit a new age shaman who promises to fix everything wrong with him in a matter of days. not to over simplify it but he literally spends a weekend doing psychedelics and hallucinating about his exes. jughead took note

- unless u want me to hurl myself into yet another dissertation about queer jughead, i think his parallel to sam - who, unlike jughead, has considerable financial privilege and whose anxieties center on body dysmorphia, hiv scares, and his own self-centeredness - pretty much ends there

- But,, the gist of the book could not be more harmonius with a major theme shared by the 2 films that inform the actual hallucination part of jughead’s bunker scene: mentally reframing past relationships to get closure + confronting trauma head-on in order to move forward

- so that’s neat. what other book and author stuff was in 5.10?

- stephen king and raymond carver get name dropped. i’m passingly familiar with them both but u bet i just skimmed their wiki bios in case anything relevant jumped out

- like jughead, carver was a student (later a lecturer) at the iowa writers workshop. also the son of an alcoholic and one himself

- i recall carver’s ‘what we talk about when we talk about love’ is what jughead was reading in 2.14 ‘the hills have eyes’ after he finds out about the first time betty kissed archie (at that time he does not respond as would any of carver’s characters)

- this collection of carver stories deals especially with infidelity, failings of communication, and the complexities and destructiveness of love. to unashamedly quote the resource that is course hero, ‘carver renders love as an experience that is inherently violent bc it produces psychic and emotional wounds.’ very fun to wonder about the significance of this collection within the s2 episode and in jughead’s thoughts. and maybe now in the context of the s5 state of relationships. or, at least, the state of jughead’s writing as seen by his agent

- anyway pansky doesn’t want carver, he wants stephen king

- i have too much to say about gerald’s game in 5.10, that’s getting its own post someday soon

- lol wait king’s wife is named tabitha uhhh king’s wiki reminded me of his childhood experience that possibly inspired his short story ‘the body’ (+1986 movie ‘stand by me’) when he ‘apparently witnessed one of his friends being struck and killed by a train tho he has no memory of the event’

- no mention of that in this rd episode but memories of a train could be interesting to consider with the imagery that intrudes on jughead’s hallucination. i still feel like it was a truck but the lights and sounds he experiences may be a train

- ok now we’re in the speculation part of today’s segment

- if jughead’s traumatic memory involves trains, then it’s possible this plot will take influence from la bête humaine <- this 1938 movie is based on the 1890 novel by french writer émile zola. this story deals with alcoholism and possessive jealousy in relationships, sometimes leading to murder. huh, kind of like carver. zola def comes down on the nature side of the nature-vs-nuture bad seed question (tho i should say he approaches this with great or maybe just v french compassion). also i can’t tell if this is me reaching but, something about la bête humaine reminds me of king’s ‘secret window’ which we’ve observed to be at least a style influence on jughead post time jump

- but wow a late-19th century french writer would be a random thing to drop into this season, right? then again zola also wrote about miners, which we’ve learned are an important part of this town’s history + whatever hiram is up to this time. and most notably, zola wrote ‘j’accuse...!’ an open letter in defense of a soldier falsely accused and unlawfully jailed for treason: alfred dreyfus. archie’s recent army trouble comes to mind.

- since the introduction of old man dreyfuss (plausibly Just a nod to close encounters actor richard dreyfuss, but also when is anything in this show Just one thing) i’ve been wondering if these little things could add up to a season-long reference to zola’s writings. but i had doubts and didn’t want to speak on it too soon bc, u know, it’s weird but is it weird enough for riverdale??

- however,,,

- (come on, u knew where i was going with this)

- a24′s film zola just came out. absolutely no relation to the french writer, it’s not based on a book but an insane and explicit twitter thread by aziah ‘zola’ wells about stripping and? human trafficking?? this feels ripe for rd even outside the potentials here for the lonely highway/missing girls plot.

- that would add up to a combination of homage that feels natural to this show

- anyway pls understand i’m just having fun speculating, most of this is based on nothing more concrete than the torturous mental tendril ras has hooked into my skull pls let go ras pls let go

#accompanying image has no meaningful organization it's just there to make me look insane. enjoy #riverdale speculation #filmref #but books #adhd has me like. this is Not the post i've been trying to write for weeks but my brain gave me no choice

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faebriel · 3 years ago

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ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

#ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK TWO WEEKS. LMFAO #asks #thespoonisvictory #dvd commentary #< i have successfully coerced a discord server into doing the dvd commentary on a regular basis and it is the BEST thing

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darkdevasofdestruction · 4 years ago

Text

Remember Me ~ Worick Arcangelo x Reader

Disclaimer: This is going to have mentions of past abuse and supposedly illegal behaviour, but considering it’s Gangsta we’re talking about, I don’t think anyone should be surprised by darker themes addresses.

Birthdays...Have always been tedious. A drag. More work than they are worth...So, I wonder...Why do I actually bother doing a party at my home?

I mean, it’s true, I get it, I’m 21, I’m of age...Legally an adult, legally allowed to drink, legally everything whatever...The same as it has been for the past 3 years...

And MAYBE it’s fun to sometimes gather around with your friends and do the same things everyone always does at parties, loud music, alcohol, cigarettes and gossips...

But there is always that annoying anxiety feeling surging through my veins whenever I have to be around more than 3 of my friends, considering this is a party organised by me, and everything has to be done perfectly, everyone must feel good, and at home, not to be left out...

I can already envision myself being the only outcast, anyway, but that’s besides the point.

It’s already evening, the alcohol is sitting on the table, the pizza boxes are stacked up in a mountain on the floor, plastic cups everywhere, ash trays placed strategically, dim lights, coloured light projectors to make the room look like a disco...

And then there’s me. Sitting anxiously on the couch in the living room, dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a long plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, along with some silver rings and a necklace. Casual, comfy, yet pretty elegant in its simplicity.

My friends arrived soon, very loudly congratulating me on aging one more year, fantastic...But they had a mischievous smirk on their faces...

And they brought in a tall, blond man who looked very macho, and I could only blink in confusion as everyone walked inside.

“Uhm...Who is he? One of yours boyfriend or something?” I asked, eyeing everyone attentively. “Nooo, silly! He’s our gift for you!” my best friend grabbed the man by his arm, shoving him towards me. “I’m...Not sure I follow.” I spoke with even more unease, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. “He’s Ergastulum’s most wanted Gigolo! And tonight, he’s all yours to do with as you please! C’mon, you deserve to let loose and have fun once in a while, y’know? Forget about all those jerks and enjoy pleasure like you’ve never felt before~!” my other best friend grabbed me by my shoulders from behind, putting her chin on top of one of her hands, slurring seductively. “...I see.” I muttered, looking away, trying to mask my displeasure at what I was hearing. “Anyway, let’s get you drunk! You won’t get to enjoy anything if you’re so cold and reserved with everyone, y’know? Maybe that’s why you’re always alone! Now c’mon, let’s have fun!” she dragged me to the drinks table, and we started playing drinking games like never have I ever...

Gotta say, Vodka and Bailey’s has always been a shot combination that I adore, and I’m grateful that it takes a long time to get me drunk, because these girls are wasted, while I’m not, so I can escape their grasp. Drunk dancing isn’t that fun, even to watch, and they were making fools of themselves, screeching, giggling...More or less sounding like pained donkeys.

Or maybe I’m just too judgemental and mean because I’ve been in a bad mood and spiraling since they got in my home. To be fair, I don’t even care what is the truth. These are my feelings and I’m not going to play them off as insignificant or non-existent.

Eyeing them carefully, I take a pack of cigarettes and make my way out of the house and sit on the stairs, taking a deep breath of the cold winter night air, I light up a cigarette, taking a drag and staring up at the sky, letting my endless train of toxic thoughts overwhelm me.

I was so long in my own mind that I didn’t notice the door opening until a shadow blocked my vision, and I noticed the platinum blond man sitting down on the stairs below me, resting his back on the wall on the side.

“Y’know...I haven’t been to many birthday parties before, but I’m pretty sure the birthday girl is supposed to be pampered and the center of attention, and yet, here you are, outside, alone and sad.” the man spoke seriously, with his usual light glint. “How much did they pay you?” I muttered, lighting another cigarette, realising that the other one burn without taking another drag of it. “Hmmm? What do you mean?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “I’m tipsy, not stupid. You think I can’t think rationally after 8 shots? You’re dead wrong. Now, tell me, how much did they pay you and what exactly did they tell you to do?” I asked in a pressed tone, side-eyeing him. “You’re certainly perceptive, I give you that. T’was quite a lot of money to spend the night with you.” he tilted his head in a playful way. “Not only they have no faith in me to get someone to even remotely like me...They have to pay someone to do something that I dread with a burning passion. Do you even know my name? I don’t know yours.” I shrugged, hanging my head, gritting my teeth in annoyance. “I see your friends screwed up a bit. Name’s Worick, nice to meet you.” he extended his hand towards me. “...Y/N. Nice to meet you too...I think.” I sighed, staring reluctantly at his hand, before slowly shaking it. “Pretty name for a pretty girl. Wanna talk to a guy you’ll never see again? I heard that venting and letting out pent up emotions helps.” he offered, making me look at him with a weird face. “You know you’re not gonna get any action, so you try to do something for the money you earned, huh?” I snorted, raking my fingers through my hair. “Hey, don’t look at me like that. Contrary to my profession, I’m a pretty chill guy. What do you have to lose, talking to someone you’ll never see again? And besides, I have little room to judge you, so if that’s your worry, you can throw it away.” he lit up a cigarette, puffing up into the sky. “You’re...Not wrong here. Okay, fine, Pretty Boy. Imagine this. You’re not even of age, you get your first lover and you’re happy. You finally feel superior. Someone gives a fuck about you...That’s the definition of a lover, after all, I guess...But here’s the deal. Barely one month into the relationship, the person starts getting very pushy and pressures you, without you realising. Words and actions. It goes to the point that they force you to do things that you don’t want to and you’re not ready to, mentally or physically...And you can’t do anything except for denying, since they don’t listen and they overpower you. How is that, so far?” I spoke, taking a few breaks in between sentences to keep myself grounded and lucid. “Very suckish. Does any of your friends know that?” Worick asked in a gentle voice. “They do...My two best friends do. The ones who apparently paid you. I don’t know what’s in those tiny brains of theirs, but I don’t think a one night stand is going to somehow magically get me rid of all problems, traumas, self-issues and nightmares I’ve been having for the last years. Or maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know, and at this point, I can’t stay that I care.” I shrugged, leaning back on the stairs. “Maybe you have the wrongs friends. I heard words about you that I don’t think friends should speak like that about their so called best friend who trusted them enough with their bad experiences.” he pointed out nonchalantly, as I shifted my gaze towards him with a frown. “After today...I...Think the same. I...Just...Wasn’t expecting something like this. What more can I say. I am disappointed. And if that wasn’t enough, my second boyfriend, who was a virgin, saw my own virginity as a prize. And the third pity-dated me. Can it get any worse? Because, if yes, I honestly give up.” I sighed, ruffling my hair, obviously done with life. “Life sure sucks, huh? And most people don’t make it any better. All we can do is get stronger, carry on, and fight our nightmares.” he nodded in agreement, clearly sympathetic. “...I see you’re speaking from experience. I wonder what happened to your eye...It may sound insensitive, but after what I just told you, I don’t think there’s any more need for caution.” I smirked at him with a dark sort of self-deprecation that I could also sense in him. “Well, y’know...Sometimes parents aren’t the safe haven they ought to be.” he shrugged, extinguishing the finished cigarette on the stairs. “I see. Yeah, life sucks. I guess I can see why you become a Gigolo. An attractive guy selling his body for money...By what they said, you are the most popular. I can see why. I feel sorry for you.” I gave him a sympathetic smile that disappeared as fast as it came. “You have a pretty smile, y’know? I always thought that people who can smile despite all they’ve been through are the strongest.” he commented, smiling back. “Is that why you appear to be so cheerful? You’re strong, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too? Wish I was the same. Maybe people won’t find me such an easy target to take advantage of.” I snorted sarcastically, making him chuckle. “It’s a pity people are shit to the few remaining ones who don’t give in to society’s awfulness. But what is a sweet girl like you doing in a shithole like Ergastulum? Doesn’t quite add up.” he asked, getting in a better sitting position. “Life happened. Dad left us, and mum is abroad working to get me enough money to go to university by the end of this year. This place, despite how scary and dangerous it is, was the cheapest place I could afford.” I bit my lip, trying not to worry too much about the future. “I’m sure you’re gonna nail it, so don’t worry too much. You seem like a smart girl, so just study hard and don’t forget to enjoy life. By your standards, not others’.” he smirked, tilting his head towards the door. “You’re funny, Worick. I wish we met under different circumstances.” my voice became lower, only to get interrupted by the door slamming open and the girls leaving the place. “Well, look at you two, lovebirds! You look so cuuuuuuuute! Hey, Gigolo, better take good care of her, got it?! The night is still young for you two! Awesome birthday party, as usual, Y/N, see ya next time!” the girls left, making me blush from embarassment, looking away. “You’ve got very sensible friends.” he muttered ironically, shaking his head. “I’ll...Go tidy the apartment. Maybe I’ll be able to focus on something else. Come one, I’ll warm up some pizza.” I shrugged, getting inside the house. “I didn’t think you’d want me around in your home.” Worick pointed out, leaning on a wall. “You got paid to spend the night with me, correct? Then you’ll do what you got paid for. Keeping me company. You have no idea how refreshing it is talking to someone with some fucking brain in their head.” I plopped down on the couch, putting my feet on the table, turning on the TV to a rock music program and patting the seat next to me for him to join. “It’s an honour to spend time with you.” he chuckled, taking a slice of pizza, leaning back on the couch and mimicking my position.

For the rest of the night, he was gracious enough to help me tidy up and clean everything, and when we were finally done, I went to change in my nightgown, taking a book and getting in bed, only to see the man leaning on the frame of the door awkwardly.

“Ah, yes, how could I forget. Let me find some larger clothes for you to change into.” I put the book down, going to the wardrobe and finding some oversized clothes in which I sometimes sleep. “Are these yours?” he chuckled in amusement. “Yep.Gotta be comfy when you sleep, right?” I shrugged, getting back in bed. “Yeah, you’re right. That’s why I sleep naked.” his grin grew wider, making me frown in confusion. “Sleeping naked is comfy for you?” I put the book on my lap, looking at him for an answer. “Did you try?” he asked smugly. “Yeah. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and anxious the for hours and couldn’t sleep. At 4 AM I couldn’t stand it any longer and I put a nightgown on.” I scratched my cheek, looking away. “That’s adorable. What were you reading?” he asked, getting closer to me. “Get changed and you can come over. I’m not letting you sleep on the couch. You got paid, you deserve better.” I waved my hand at him dismissively, only for him to leave the room, get changed, take the book from my hand, flip through all the pages, and return it. “Ah, Picture of Dorian Gray. I’ve been wanting to read it for a while, thanks for the opportunity, I have to say, I rather appreciate his monologues.” he gave me a shit-eating grin, plopping in bed next to me. “I...You...Huh?! You can’t tell me you just read THIS book, right now, for the first time in your life, by just flipping rapidly through the pages!” my expression was that of pure shock and disbelief, which clearly amused him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, sweet cheeks.” he smirked, laying his head down on the pillow. “You...You have an extraordinary visual memory?!” I asked in a voice that I wasn’t sure was heard. “You’ve got that right, darling.” he chuckled with a satisfied smile. “...WHY THE HELL ARE YOU A PROSTITUTE?! YOU ARE A GENIUS! YOU COULD DO SO MUCH MORE WITH YOUR LIFE! EARN AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF MONEY! DO YOU HAVE NO AMBITION AND SAFE-LOVE?!” I grab him by the shoulders, shaking him, until he stopped me. “Calm doooown, Y/N, calm down. Thanks for looking out for me, but life is life. Don’t worry about me. I’ve got all I need here. You, however, have the whole life ahead of you, so don’t waste it like I did.” he advised in a soft voice, making me look at him for a few seconds, before sighing, getting up, and picking another book. “We won’t be seeing each other again, will we? Well, if that’s the case, take this. It’s a thanks for being nice to me today...But promise me you will take your time reading it, unlike now. Rest, relax, drink a hot cup of tea, and read each page carefully. Enjoy it, live it, feel it. Can you promise me that?” I asked, handing him the book. “The Hobbit, huh? Pretty cover, intriguing summary on the back...Fine, Y/N. I can’t 100% promise you, but I will try. Are you really willing to part with this one? It seems special for you.” he asked, more serious this time. “...Maybe sometimes the stupid ideas that your heart gives you are better than the rational ones from your brain. Now go sleep, I want to read.” I looked away from him, opening my book and pretending to read, away from him.

Five minutes passed, then ten, and fifteen, all of them in a deadly silence, almost awkward, until a chuckle split the atmosphere, making me turn around, looking at the man with a confused look.

“Usually, when people read, they turn the page after five minutes. What’s on your mind?” he asked, taking a strand of my hair and loosely twirling it with his finger. “..Well...You’re a stranger. And...We’ve only talked for a few hours. I know it makes no sense to ask this of you, but...I won’t be seeing you tomorrow anyway, so...Uhm...Do you think...I'm...Cold and mean...And unapproachable?” I mutter, looking away from him. “Not at all. I find you very endearing. The quiet ones are always the ones who have the best surprises once you get to know them. People deal with problems differently, it just takes the right person to want to understand you.” he kissed the strand of hair, making me bite my lip and turn off the lap light so my possibly pink cheeks won’t be noticeable. “Great. Thanks for the info. Now...How about you earn the money you got paid? You can do that by holding me and playing with my hair until I fall asleep.” I try to keep my voice from wavering. “You don’t have to put that pretext as a front, I would do that even if I wasn’t paid.” he chuckled lightly, holding me close to his chest, his fingers masterfully soothing my senses as he caressed by hair. “...Thanks.” I muttered, hiding my flustered face in his chest. “I have insomnia and general sleeping problems, including sleep paralysis and nightmares...And the only thing that used to be able to put me to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night would be mum holding me and playing with my hair until I fell asleep.” I confessed, my voice becoming softer and more emotional. “Thank you for trusting me with this precious memory, Y/N. It’s going to be okay. Now close your eyes...Sweet dreams, Y/N.” his peaceful, velvety voice was the last thing I heard before falling into a restful and calm sleep, for the first time in ages.

When morning came and I woke up, the bed was empty on the side that Worick was and I almost feared I imagined the whole thing...Until I noticed a piece of paper on the pillow where he slept.

“You’re a beautiful person, don’t let the darkness take over you. I hope to hear from you again, in the future, under better circumstances. ~ Worick”

To that, a phone number was written, and the first thing that came into my mind was to get that it tattooed on my body so I won’t lose it. Of course, that will never happen, so I’ll settle for writing it everywhere I can.

For some reason, I wanted to make him proud, and I still had no idea why, so I only called him once a year, on my birthday, and on that day, we would chat on the phone all night, in memory of that night. Finally leaving Ergastulum to go to University and get a better life for myself was something revolutionary for me, but after over 6 years, I managed to do just that. However, there was something that never left my brain, and that was the platinum haired man that completely changed the way I viewed life and how to approach it.

And I returned to Ergastulum after almost a decade.

I was dressed in a cute dress, and this time, unlike last time, a confident smile was on my face. Even though it’s fake, I adopted the “Fake it till you make it” motto, and nobody has to know about my problems.

I vibe.

Asking around for Worick, I find out he works as the Benriya with another man called Nicolas, who’s a tag, and even better, I got his address, so I knew just where to go.

As I entered the shabby apartment that was, for some reason, unlocked, I see a meek looking woman sitting on the couch, looking down.

“Did Worick get a girlfriend?” I leaned on the wall, a playful smirk on my face. “Wh-What?! G-Girlfriend?! W-Wait, who are you?!” she shot up to her feet, looking at me with big, blue doe eyes, frightened, might I say. “You’re adorable. What’s your name? And can I ask where Worick is? I’ve been told this is where he lives.” I played with a strand of my hair, trying not to intimidate the girl...Too much. “U-Uhm...He...He’s in his room...Who are you, miss?” she asked, trying to get some courage. “A friend, I’d like to think. From about ten years ago. Now, if you’ll excuse me...” I was ready to go look for him, only for a door to open, and the man in cause to appear, wearing only black boxers, and stretching...He obviously just woke up. “Ally? What’s all the noise?” he yawned loudly, rubbing his eyes. “Do you have a cute nickname for me too, Worick?” I smirked at him, as he widened his single eye, his jaw dropping in shock. “Y/N...?” he muttered my name, making me grin widely. “Glad you remember me. It has been quite a while since we’ve seen each other...And you age like fine wine, I’m telling you...You’re a sight for sore eyes.” he chuckled softly, only for him to come and pick me up, spinning a bit, before putting me down, cupping my face and kissing my forehead, leaving me a surprised and flustered mess. “And look at you! Can you get prettier than this? I told ya, you have a beautiful smile!” he grinned childishly, pinching my cheeks, making me yelp in pain and slap his hands away. “Jerk! That hurts! Ahem...Anyway, dear Gigolo, how are you? I heard some stuff about you working with someone named Nicolas...But I doubt her name is Nicolas.” I chuckled, pushing him softly away. “Oh, yes! Y/N, this is Alex, our new friend. You can say she’s kinda...Our secretary? I guess? Anyway, come over, we have a lot to catch up on!” he guided me to his bedroom that was, unsurprisingly, messy. “Wonderful and clean, just as expected. Have you ever thought of opening the window?” I teased him, plopping on his bed that was unexpectedly soft. “You, lazy little vixen...Here. I bought it years ago, after finishing the book you gave me, and I wanted to find out more. Now, I’m giving it to you. Are we even?” he smirked, handing me a copy of Fellowship of the Ring book. “We’d be even if I’d spend the night over as well. And if you gave me drinks and pizza. Basically a date. That will do.” I told him, looking dearly at the book I got gifted, although I already read it before. “My God, since when are you so bold?” he asked, getting on the bed, resting his chin on my knees, looking at me like a happy puppy. “Did you miss me, Worick? I hope you did, otherwise that little piece of paper you left would be incredibly disappointing and misleading.” I pointed out, booping his nose. “I’ve been thinking about you since then. By the looks of it, so did you. Are you sure you want a date with someone like me? You are beautiful, you are brilliant, your attitude in endearing as hell...And I’m still a Gigolo and my life is here, in Ergastulum. Don’t regret it later on.” he asked with a more serious tone, only for me to scoff and pull on his hair playfully. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Besides...Unlike you, I don’t need to be paid to spend quality time with you, doing nothing but chilling and chatting.” I teased him, making him laugh, as he plopped next to me, poking my cheek. “Great, problem solved! You’ve got yourself a parasite latching on you. Good luck getting rid of him now.” he grinned cheekily, only for me to cup his face and pull him into a kiss. “Why would I wanna get rid of a parasite this cute? Now shut up and hold me, it’s been ten years and I’m touch starved.” I grinned, nuzzling in the crook of his neck. “Damn, how I missed you.” he held me tightly to his chest, occasionally peppering my face with kisses.

It was definitely worth coming back to this God Forsaken place, even if it is for only one person. There’s place for everyone in this world, and in others’ hearts, and I found my place, in Worick’s warm arms, where I feel safest and most loved.

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serinesaccade · 3 years ago

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i lovee shsh SO and was wondering if you could explain what being bonded feels like in that universe and maybe more in depth what grantaire experienced w a one-sided one?

ooh sure hm this is such a good question!!

i (weirdly) view this world’s bonding as a pretty biological setup rather than ~magic~ ABO worldbuilding (though I also like magic). so there's no like. mindreading or being emotionally in-tune from a distance. you can only get bonded during heat or rut and it is supposed to be a permanent thing! you can break the bond but it does hurt and can come w/ side effects.

it affects a lot of things! bonded individuals react pretty strongly to their partner's smell and almost anything else about them once smell gets associated. that doesn't mean they can't be attracted to anyone else or are drawn against their will, emotions and scents are just. amplified. grantaire already had a lot of emotions so. so. for people in a mutual loving bond it's great for mood, feeling secure, for their overall health.

a majority of bonded individuals require extra physical affection, scenting, and um more or their bodies start being stressed, experiencing withdrawal, etc. bonding is obviously considered pretty sacred in most religions and is considered more permanent than marriage by most people. first couple of days after the bond are really critical! because it's usually a heat/rut activity done between couples who are in love or at least... like... in the same room... this isn't a problem. they are together and really strengthening a mutual bond and that's healthy.

honestly, grantaire's heat after he got bonded was just. hell. :'( during the heat he absolutely cried his heart out. enjolras wasn't there, and neither was anyone else. like he was starving, it's similar to a nutrient/sustenance thing and he wasn't with his bondmate and didn't even have someone else there. after heat was over it got a little better, but his whole self was thrown off and the bond was still "starving." all his body hormones and brain chemistry is just wrecked. there's meds you can take for bond withdrawal but unfortunately he had a bad reaction to them.

it was summer so he was out of school, but this is when he stopped doing more hardcore gymnastics. body just couldn't take it and his parents discouraged it now that he was married and they'd never liked the events that tended to be more alpha-oriented anyway or that he was muscular. being physically active is really important to grantaire so he was very sad :(

at some point enjolras' estate sent clothes over and grantaire just sorta. cuddled with the one shirt and tried to make do. he felt super pathetic and it obviously was not the same as having the person. (he is triggered when enj talks about clothing as a substitute FOR SURE). drinking and some drugs help numb him to some of it so he takes those up.

sfsdf so I could go on and on about the years of WUMP but it's all just angsty and shapes a lot of his bitterness and existence. by the time he remeets enjolras his body's settled into its new state a bit/he's learned to manage it. meeting enjolras jumpstarts what had sorta been dormant in good and bad ways. he is having mood swings! he would like to punch enjolras in the face! with an actual fist! and also his lips! does he cry after they scent the first time? 100%! but also he is SO RELIEVED. he just goes home and like sobs hysterically but also does some stretches and body strengthening and a 5-mile run with a vigor he has not had in YEARS. jbm is a lil freaked. he is also completely convinced the scenting will never happen again for like the first ten times they do it, which enj ofc has no idea about. he absolutely has a triggered heat in chapter 2 in that one section and absolutely is sitting there crying eating the sandwiches Enj (who was like. pretty close to a rut despite him being suppressed to shit) prepped. just snottily shoving them in his face while bossuet and joly came in occasionally to cuddle or give him snackies/water. "do u want us to get enjolras now," they had both said repeatedly and he's just "NO DON'T"

the scenting does help him stabilize though! honestly combeferre’s research was right and what would’ve been even BETTER is basically them making a mutual bond right away. like. his body can absolutely tell this is his bondmate and would be a lot happier if enjolras was around/ was mutually bonded. a little bit of the other person’s scent gets embedded both in the initial bond creation but also in the subsequent scenting and cuddling; the bond initiates his body learning how to make a little of enj’s scent and he’s happier and more secure when he can tell it’s mutual and enj smells like him too! they wait a bit. which is good for them as people and for their rl. but once they do mutually bond he does recover from most of his health issues and it supports him getting to a better place mentally. it helps enj calm down too! honestly they are both bearing a lot of scars from their childhoods and mutual bonding is just like. the cherry on top of how their relationship eventually helps each of them be a happier and healthier and better person.

tw cw for some discussion of homophobia bc I guess i talk about subtext now.

like this whole thing is a big honking weird metaphor about queerness. bonding doesn’t fit perfectly into that but overall is some interpretation of the kinds of trauma queer kids in unsupportive households sustain. grantaire’s situation is very much a twisting of what’s supposed to be this beautiful first love for him! he really loved enj even if it wasn’t reciprocated. he is someone who doesn’t do a good job of fitting the gender role he’s been assigned. his family twisted that love and what should be a loving bond into trauma and shoved him into the role they wanted for him. it can really mess u up. forgetting/erasing isn’t an option for people really! so i wanted him to reclaim it and redefine it. enj was trauma too but obviously different in his experience and journey to being happy.

anyway i kinda wish i had more of a “thrilling” answer for this! i’m glad you asked!

#asks #shsh

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my-writings-and-musings · 4 years ago

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This is the medic berth sharing anon, and I forgot to add, what if when talking to a bot(not necessarily a medic), the conversation some how drifted to where the human just casually mentions that professional cuddling is A Thing, and what would the reactions be?

I've got a lot here as a follow up because once again, your ideas inspire me anon! Prepare for a wall of text!

Rodimus

·He's not necessarily surprised, because your species is so incredibly soft, why not have humans who specialize in using that talent? But he's still never considered it before, and is curious as to how one becomes a "proffesional" at something so basic, and what kind of training it could possibly entail.

·Hearing that it's more for humans who have endured trauma, or humans who come from cultures or backgrounds where such contact is frowned upon, makes him a little sad. He's an affectionate bot and can't imagine not having access to something so simple, but then realizes their own species could perhaps do with some physical affection based therapy, not that he feels qualified to suggest such a thing...

Drift

·After a brief request for more information he's delighted by the sound of the practice, even if he doesn't have all the details. Creating harmony through positive energy and healing through affection is a personal ideal of his, and to hear another species practicing it is quite uplifting!

·It's unfortunate it isn't widely practiced, but the mere fact it exists is enough to give him some inspiration, so he asks for as many facts as you can give. With a bit of planning he absolutely intends to pursue this for Cybertronians, even if by just bringing it up as a proposal, and hopefully Ratchet will be willing to give it a chance!

Ultra Magnus/Minimus Ambus

·Initially he needs you to repeat yourself and explain in more depth, because he's certain he heard you wrong. How can one do something so common "professionally"? It takes a fair amount of conversation and a lot of context for him to understand the therapeutic aspect, which he begins to see once you also lay out what a social species humans are and how damaging solitude can be.

·The idea of healing through affectionate contact is something he can grasp, at least. Cybertronians aren't so different, though many such needs have long been neglected, and he is doubtful it could catch on until a significant amount of restoration is done. He'd be interested in seeing it happen, and can see how it would benefit a war ravaged population, provided there is proper licencing for those who wish to pursue it.

Ratchet

·He's immediately intrigued, but not at all surprised, and discusses the similarities such a practice reveals between humans and Cybertronians. As imposing as bots may be, they're still a social species, and a lack of physical affection can do great harm. Also like humans, bots tend to be unaware of the depth of the need until they're suffering.

·Talking about it really gets him thinking. They've neglected a lot to win the war, and now that they're here, needs like this should come back into focus. It would certainly be worth it to encourage such things where he can, even if bots don't understand or believe in the benefits. They may not have proffesional cuddlers, but this ship is undoubtedly bursting with lonely bots who'd be willing to give it a try.

Rung

·As a kind of therapy, it's entirely new to him, but the benefits are exceptionally clear even before you elaborate. Bots are a caring and tender species under all that armor, despite the image the war has created, so he can see that humans would find solace in such a thing due to their similarities. Being a proponent of slow and measured healing also makes the idea quite agreeable.

·He discusses the possible changes one would have to make for Cybertronians, which would probably be somewhat significant due to their differences in size, anatomy, and cultural practices. The basic idea could still stay though, especially for the many traumatized not just by battle, but by the shortage of tender intimacy the war created in its stead. He'll absolutely write a paper on this, and he actually feels it's worth publishing! Should you suggest he'd be a natural at providing such care he will blush for a multitude of reasons.

Swerve

·He keeps it to himself, but his first emotion is one of absolute longing. Someone to just hold you, and comfort you, with the skill of a therapist but the gentle embrace of a friend? He plays it off like he sees it as another quirky human thing, but he subtly prods for more information under the veneer of casual conversation, and starts wishing his own kind had an equivalent.

·As much as he'd prefer having someone who just wants to be with him like that as a friend, the idea of a proffesional is still tempting beyond belief, and he wonders if the increased interaction between your species might make some bots pick up the trade. Just enjoying the simple, uninterrupted company of another for a bit would be heavenly, but he's absolutely not willing to say that out loud.

Skids

·Knowing that slow and steady therapy works, he can definitely see that being helpful, even if he doubts he'd ever get anything out of something like that. He likes to move and have fun when he socializes, and sitting still with someone would probably just end in a nap for him, not that he minds the idea of that too much...

·One thing he is curious about is the statistics of the occupation, as baffling as they may be. Why are the proffesionals mostly female and the clients mostly male? Don't humans, like bots, long for affection no matter their physical makeup? An explanation of stereotypes and gender roles and everything involved on that front just makes him think he needs a drink.

Whirl

·Of course he cracks a few jokes about tiny squishy humans needing to be mushed, but it's in good humor, because he actually gets it pretty much right away. The whole idea is a sappy one, but all of therapy is sappy, and you can thank brains for being so darn easy to trick up with feelings for that little design flaw.

·He explains that the biggest part of you to hurt when someone screws you over is your sense of trust, so something that makes you be super vulnerable is obviously the way to fix it, at least for some. After emphasizing how he'd never benefit from such a thing, he posits that cuddling is potentially the most dangerous thing you can do, making folks willing to try it on thr regular with strangers pretty damn brave. His logic on the ease of stabbing while snuggling is not one you can argue.

Chromedome

·Fully aware of the chaos life can bring, he immediately gets why someone would want a little time to relax with someone calm, even if it's more of a clinical session than a platonic bonding. Admittedly the lack of concrete guidelines does worry him a little once he hears the qualifications are rather loose, but is anything perfect?

·Being a bot who fully gets how desperate a suffering individual will go, he can't help but consider what a benefit such simple pain relief could be, but also mourns for those who don't have access to something so... basic. Suffice to say he gets ample cuddling, and knows full well how precious every moment is.

Rewind

·Being so focused on memory has taught him the emotional impact even a little encounter can have, so he isn't at all surprised some species would have learned to utilize this, only that his own hasn't. Being such a varied and armored species can make any intimacy difficult, but that hardly means they're strangers to snuggling after all.

·The thought of such loneliness can't help but make him a little sad, especially when he learns many of the humans seeking out this service are in relationships. Not a day goes by for him without hand holding or hugs or nuzzles... He hopes your species makes this more common as therapy for their own sake.

Cyclonus

·Initially he's a bit bewildered, though many aspects of earth culture bewilder him, and further discussion does little to help him grasp the concept or its benefits. It seems silly and, at least internally, he can't help but perceive it as inappropriate. It isn't until you elaborate on why humans seek this service out that he begins to get some clarity.

·Hearing about how many human cultures frown on caring contact in virtually any situation, even between partners, is a little alarming. He knows the struggle of expressing emotions after even allowing yourself to feel them, but to be so caged by tradition that one needs secret contact with a proffesional for a taste of warmth or companionship... well, that's unfortunate.

Tailgate

·Immediately you see him perk up, as if the mere mention of cuddling catches his attention. He asks lots of questions, some on the proffesion and others on the ways humans express care, and while saddened that the job is needed he's happy that help is there for those who need it.

·You're then given an enthusiastic but confidential talk on how he's finally getting all the hugs he needs with Cyclonus, who will never admit it but he's certain is benefiting from the cuddling as much as he is. While not aware of the six million years he was out, it's felt as if his body is, and thus he's been eagerly catching up with loving snuggles whenever possible. Speaking of which, want a hug?

Velocity

·She's not at all caught off guard by the idea, as it makes a lot of sense for the sake of mental health, especially to a doctor of a species that could use the practice. While Caminus has been spared the war between factions, it's unfortunately not a haven for emotional wellbeing either. The need to stand out and meet cultural requirements of frugality forces many to be just as reserved with their needs as the humans seeking out help that you describe.

·She wonders if it'd be possible to introduce something like that to her own people, if not on Cybertron. But there's a lot of cultural resistance, just as she's sure you've seen on earth, to taking care of oneself even for such a basic need. She expresses respect for humans on actually taking the steps to improve.

Nautica

·As with all new things, she's immediately interested in learning the full depth of the subject, both inside and out. If you don't know it all that's okay! She can just plough through a few books and then she'll feel like she's got it down! This means she wants to know about human therapy, affection, cultural hindrances, the neurochemtistry of physical contact... Anything you know to start on these subjects would be helpful.

·Before and after her quick study break, her biggest takeaway is the huge taboo humans have placed on touching, something she can barely wrap her head around. Sure, bots have unnecessary hangups as well, but casual taction just... happens? Why would any culture have issues with that? Even as someone who occasionally trips up and crosses physical boundaries, she knows that space is important, but it's not meant to be a barrier. You'll let her know if you need a break from what sounds like an exhausting mindset, won't you? She's always here for a quick hug or even just a shoulder pat!

Megatron

·All talk of human culture once made him cringe, not out of disgust, but out of an admittedly deserved guilt. With you he's at least opening up to conversation on the topic, and this is one of the things he needs a bit of elaboration on, as his bafflement is so great you can see it on his face. His experience with physical affection being nonexistent doesn't make it any easier for him to follow.

·When you mention the concept of being "touch starved" he finally gets it, but has a less than thrilling realization himself. He's never heard a word describe his deeply buried longing so effectively, and your talk of earth culture occasionally stifling people to the point of needing these services strikes a nerve he hadn't known was so tender. As with every other vulnerability in his life, he buries it down and secures the weakness firmly away, keeping his expression neutral as he pretends the topic is just another curiosity.

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mintvender · 4 years ago

Text

UTOPIA [ 6 ]

Pairing: BTS x Y/N

Synopsis: Y/N L/N, the name of the current monarch of Corea. They became the ruler after successfully ending the previous king along with the dynasty as well. In their harem, countless men are present to help balance the court’s power. However, is this truly their intentions? The palace was always a place that needs to be proceeded with caution but as time goes by, recklessness would most likely outweigh it. You found yourself unable to prosper the kingdom without being too connected to it.

HaremAu!

Warning : Mental instability , insecurity, slight manipulation(indirectly)

Word Count: 6.5k

A/n: Bonus chapter!!! Why? Cuz it’s my birthday and the beginning of spring. On that note, Happy Easter to those who celebrate it... Anyways, why do I feel like this chapter is so cliche?

Masterlist

In all honesty, you didn’t know if laughing was the best choice as of currently. With the sudden arrival of the Imperial Consort, the officials must be desperate to dig some answers out of you if they have managed to convince him to visit you at this time of the day.

More like manipulation, you bitterly thought.

Pinching the space between your eyebrows, you motioned Chin-Hwa to invite him in while signalling for one of the maids present. After hearing what you said, the maid nodded before exiting the room.

Gaining trust from a person’s heart, especially ones that have already been wounded, was and is never an easy task; you can never guarantee their loyalty with just emotions alone. As a result, every servant that enters your doors is disguised members of your clan, who were adopted into a branch, owing to their entire existence to the clan. This way you still have at least some trust that they will be loyal to your ultimate goal. Unlike your clan members, these pesky officials have nothing to lose and will utilize any opportunity thrown at them for their benefit.

That was your original thought, at least. It still is but with a few exceptions.

Like entering a new world, your experience as a monarch was not what you expected in the absolute least. You don’t think any of your combat training would properly prepare you for what was coming—both diplomatically and emotionally.

You still sometimes wonder why they would choose you rather than a member of the Azure branch. Unlike you, the children of the said branch are trained in this kind of mission; there is plenty that is capable of close combat even. Meanwhile, you were only trained as a physical vessel, with a slight prestigious status but still don’t have that much knowledge in this area. And with all these blockages that keep appearing in front of you, you were starting to think if this was the best option.

Is it the innocence that they still manage to retain? Or how different they are from the rest; like gems hidden behind a wall of poorly covered coal?

Carelessly fondling the loose strands of your hair, you continue to ponder about that thought, wondering if you have truly softened enough to show your weak side.

Luckily, your chain of bitterness was cut off with the incoming steps heading towards your study. Flicking your hair away, you leaned against the chair and waited for the guest to arrive.

Looking over to the door, the figure that followed behind Chin-Hwa immediately captured your attention. With a lean built, youthful face, you really can’t believe that you both were born in the same year. Sometimes, even, you still couldn’t believe how far you have come.

“ Your majesty, the Imperial Consort is here.”

You nodded, eyes glued on the fidgety figure. Seeing the room, Chin-Hwa excused himself, unconsciously leaving you both in awkward silence.

“ Have you been doing well, Yoongi?”

Wincing at your question, Yoongi flusteredly nodded his head.

Chuckling at his cute act, you softly pull yourself up, before heading over to where Yoongi was. Standing in front of him, you felt an empowering force of strength enveloped you despite Yoongi being of average height.

Picking the incoherent signs indicating how nervous he is, your heart softens at how small he was making himself.

What have they done to you to make the crown prince become this… mess?

Offering your hand to him, waiting for him to get your gesture. Yoongi, who previously didn’t dare to look into your eyes, looked up in curiosity, before latching onto your hand.

Pulling him towards the door, you both set off to the dining room.

Silently eating your meal, you glanced over at the person opposite of you every once in a while. Careful to not worsen the awkward air in the room, you both did not utter a single word and instead set your attention on the feast casted upon the table.

Shoving grains of rice into your mouth, your mind loomed through the dozens of people presented in the room. In all of truthfulness, you were beginning to get annoyed at the gaping attention that was piercing your back; the imperial consort must have felt the same with how frequently he squirms in his seat.

Tightening your grip, you reach out across the table to grab a piece of meat. What seemed to be an innocent prey turned out to be the trigger for something much worse.

Flinching at the sudden object entering his view, he unconsciously dropped his chopsticks as well as his bowl, creating a loud clang.

Dropping your own utensils, you swiftly waved your hand, dismissing all the servants. Pushing away your seat, you were quick to walk around the table before setting yourself on the chair next to Yoongi.

Seeing his form shivering in distress, you carefully reach out your hand, making sure to not surprise him and place it on top of his tightly clenched fists. Your hands grasping on his own, you rubbed them soothingly. You didn’t know if he was comfortable with you enough for you to embrace him. Already being this close is already a risk in itself. However, it’s a risk that is more than necessary you had concluded.

Thankfully, it had seemed to be the right decision when you felt Yoongi gripping your hand. Now that you have a positive reaction from him, you slowly brought your right arm out and wrapped it around his shoulder in an attempt to calm him.

Steadily, you began to close your guys’ gap until Yoongi was encased in your embrace, his breathing slowing down in the process. You both stayed there for what seemed like minutes until Yoongi was calm enough to reciprocate.

After you have made sure that he was alright, you unwrap your arm from him but still alert in case of him having any signs of discomfort. Seating back down, you finally were able to properly examine him. His already pale skin has lost its color amidst the distressful moment, but fortunately, color seemed to be returning to his cheeks.

Following his successful attempt to calm down, the Imperial Consort looked over at you, eyes widening in surprise, finally processing what had just happened. Clumsily standing up, he bowed down, profusely apologizing.

“ Y-your majesty, I-I-I a-apologize for m-my rude c-conduct!”

Smiling softly, you waved your hand in an attempt to dismiss the problem, however, unlike your original intention, it had seemed like Yoongi misunderstood your actions. The colours that have just returned to his face dissipated along with your previous attempts to calm him down.

Raising your arm up to indicate you having no harmful intention, you once again approach him. This time, however, you kneeled beside him, wanting to look him in the eyes.

Despite the only time you both have ever been this intimate with each other was the first time you both have directly interacted, you have a niche that doing this was necessary.

Staring into those beautiful black gems, you could see how swollen his face has become. Feeling your heart clench at his current look, you couldn’t really help yourself but be curious. Be curious for the innocence that is hanging onto the last strands in those beautiful gems.

As if also lost on his own as well, Yoongi finds himself stopping his previous agitated state staring into your eyes, curious to what you are keeping within yourself. Like knowing what he was searching for, you let out a chuckle.

The eyes are really the window to one’s heart.

“ Don’t worry, I don’t mind,” you comforted.

Seemingly hypnotized by your luring eyes, Yoongi let out a modest nod.

“ Are you still hungry?” you asked, noticing how much rice still remained in the bowl.

Continuing to stare into your eyes, he shocked his head.

Breaking out into a smile by his cute antiques, you turned your head sideway to look in another direction, knowing that you won’t be able to contain yourself with his cuteness.

Unconsciously tugging down his lip, he helplessly looked at you, not knowing what to do. You on the other hand, who just witnessed his pout, snicker to yourself at the recurring trend.

He and Jungkook really are brothers by blood.

Reaching over to grasp his hand, you caressed them while asking, “ You don’t have to be so nervous when you’re with me. We’ve been through this before, didn’t we?”

Bashfully looking down at his lap, Yoongi nodded.

Nodding in satisfaction, you rise from your position. “ With that being said, why are you here at this time, Yoongi? You normally don’t come a few hours into the afternoon.”

Flustering him with the question, Yoongi tried to come up with a reasonable explanation, tripping up his words in the process. Knowing the effort that is being put in, you patiently waited for him to make up his mind.

Min Yoongi, the previous crown prince of the previous Min dynasty, was unlike anything you would expect from the wealthy. Despite having a relatively tough outer shell, Yoongi’s inner self was quite sensitive to the changes around him, especially abrupt ones. As a result, this has contributed to making your guys’ first direct interaction a little … unique.

Regardless, his vulnerability, you presumed was caused by childhood trauma. While Yoongi haven't mentioned anything in particular, you have pieced quite a bit of his behaviours to conclude what you have now.

Insincerity. Insignificant. Forgotten; was what you assumed had happened.

Traumatized. Paranoid… Broken; was all that was left of him.

Even in your first meeting, you already had a feeling that Yoongi was different from others living inside the palace. How? You didn’t know but you were glad that you have trusted your intuition. At least now, he is being taken care of both physically and materialistically. Emotional-wised? You’re working on that.

“ … I-I came h-here to h-help y-you, y-your m-majesty!”

“ … “

Squeaking at your silence, Yoongi’s fingers twitch in agitation. “ I-I came here to … The officials asked me to come here!” Squeezing his eyes, Yoongi couldn’t help but to imagine what your expression would be. Anger? Annoyance? … Disappointment?

“ Is it about the harem selection?”

Seeing his nod, successfully confirming your original conclusion, you patiently waited for him to calm down.

“ What do they want to ask me?,” you asked but after seeing him shake his head, you nodded understandably.

Using your legs as leverage to push yourself up, pulling his stiff form with you afterward.

Going to the shelves nearby, you carefully scan over the dozens of scrolls, searching for the right ones. After selecting what you needed, you head back to the desk, spreading out the scrolls.

Yoongi, who was sitting opposite of you, perked up as the scrolls were being spread out. Confused at what you were hinting, Yoongi looked over at your direction. After a few moments, Yoongi shakily grabbed the scrolls, quickly scanning through them.

Setting down into your seat, you waited for him to finish.

“ What is this?,” Yoongi meekly asked after reading the report.

“ What do you think?”

Gripping onto the fabric of the scroll, Yoongi continued to stare at it. Noticing how comfortable he is with using the scroll, you smiled.

At least I don’t have to deal with a fake.

“ It’s a written report of the drought in the last decade.”

“ Anything else?”

“ It also listed down the possible solution for each year.”

“... Do you notice something irregular about this report?”

“ …”

Leaning your upper body forward, you pointed at a blank spot on the report. “ What is this for?”

“ The Imperial Jade Stamp.”

The Jade Stamp is a valuable treasure that gets passed down from one generation to another. Acting as the official monarch’s words, as long as the mark is there, permission and approval is an absolute.

As a result, even if a rebellion happens, the opposition party is encouraged to obtain the stamp to gain the civilians’ trust. Meaning that whoever gets their hands on the Jade Stamp has the ability to rule the nation.

Spreading out the other scrolls, you pointed to the exact blank spots of each one. Seeing the repeated occurrence, Yoongi could only duck his head down in shame.

“ It’s not your fault, Yoongi,” you comforted, “ Even if it is, there are always ways to rewind your ways.”

“ Rewind my ways?”

“ Mhmm. So from the blank spot and what has happened in the previous decade, what can you conclude?”

“ Despite having many possible solutions, drought seasons are always dealt with little to no help from the government.”

“ Why is that?”

“ …” gulping down a chunk of air, Yoongi let out, “ Because the previous dynasty didn’t care.”

Nodding at his answer, “ Now tell me, would you repeat the same thing your father did if the Imperial Jade Stamp was in your hands?”

Flinching at the mention of his father, Yoongi took time to think. Overlooking your prescience, Yoongi’s eyes naturally focused on the wall behind you.

Licking his dry lips, he answered, “... I wouldn’t.”

“ Why so?” You asked, cocking your head to the side, “ With all this power, you could have the entire country kneeling at your feet, ready to serve you.”

“ … I don’t want that,” he whispered out, “ I despise power and the greed that comes with it. It makes us so ... inhumane, going to the point of forgetting that we’re mortals.”

“ Then if you have the Imperial Jade Stamp, what would you do?”

“ … I would try to sustain the country.”

“ Sustain? Why not prosper the economy?”

“ With all the damage that was caused by the previous dynasty, I doubt that in my years of ruling, the country would be strong enough to prosper,” he answered, “ If I want the country to prosper, the first thing I need to do is saving it first.”

I’m impressed.

“ Mhmm, tell me, how would you help prevent the worst from the drought season?”

Amused by how he scrunched his face while deep in thought, you patiently waited for his answer.

“ People of the Amber division would be the most affected group. People— who are already vulnerable will have a harder time surviving during this time,” he started, “ As a result, I think it would evacuate them to another region. Even providing assistance, and supplies would help them cope through the upcoming months.

Similar to Taehyung’s.

“ You do realize that we aren’t in the best position to provide such things without us losing money right?”

Widening your eyes when Yoongi makes eye contact with you, his eyes flaring in anger? Frustration? “ I am aware of that, your majesty. However, I believe that the gap between commoners and nobles is so wide that even if we take a reasonable amount of money out from the imperial treasure room, I doubt that we will suffer anything major.”

Chuckling at the sudden fiercely response, you waved your hand to dismiss the tension.

“ I will put your input in consideration, Imperial Consort.”

Nodding at your words, Yoongi once again shrink himself back to his small self, careful to not annoy you.

So he does have a fierce side.

Continuing where you had left off, you both emerge yourselves into diplomatic conversations. Before you know it, the sun was already setting, and dinner came right after.

Escorting Yoongi to the door, you turned sideways, smiling at him.

Glancing back at the servants,“ I appreciated your company today, Imperial Consort.”

“ It was my pleasure, your majesty,” Yoongi replied, bowing in greeting.

Reaching your hand out to caress his cheek, you lean in and whisper something in his ear before planting a light peck on his cheek. Feeling his cheeks heat up, Yoongi bashfully nodded before exiting your courtyard, followed by his servants.

On his way back to his courtyard, Yoongi squirmed when remembering back to what had just happened. Cheeks crimson red, Yoongi fantasize over your words.

Don’t worry about the harem. Trust that I will be there for you.

Clawing the wooden walls of his carriage, Yoongi wanted nothing more than to let the fluttering butterflies in his core escape at the thought of your words.

It seems like tonight will be another one of those sleepless nights.

☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

Following yesterday’s frantic news, today’s morning was far from ordinary. Usually, you would start off the audience with minor problems from the many departments, slowly moving up to the major ones. However, today was definitely not one of those days.

Thankfully, you were not the only one that got annoyed by the constant pester. Looking over to the historian, you could tell that he was getting as annoyed as you from the constant repeating questions aaasa he continued to write all the dialogues into his notebooks.

Does every generation do this? Constantly getting pestered by their own servants?

“ Your majesty! You can’t possibly be serious about admitting the sons of powerful figures into the harem as nameless concubines!”

“ Why can’t I?”

“ The foreign nations will be offended by your gestures, your majesty! That could sour the relationship between Corea and them!”

Finally acknowledging his presence, you tried to remember which department he is from.

Ah, Officer Kang Beom-Seok from the international affairs department. I thought he was a neutral?

Scowling at the realization that he had joined a side, your distaste for him returned in folds.

Kang Beom-Seok was an unruly man. Despite his rude antiques, his intelligence was quite outstanding thus allowing him a position in court. In the past, Beom-Seok never favoured any specific sides, but it seemed like the situation had changed.

Now that would really make your plan harder, not that you didn’t expect it would go smoothly.

“ Then what can I do? Give them a title so they can plot whatever they want within my harem?”

No one answered.

“ There is always a chance of them retaliating against our country. Allowing them to enter the palace is already risky but giving them power? What do you think will happen?”

Again, not a word was heard.

“ Besides, we can’t be so weak as to bow down to others. Unlike years ago, the tide has changed. There shall be no weakness that can benefit others except for ourselves. To gain respect, risks must be taken as well as power must be obtained. Like any other success, a game of chess is always needed,” you announced, “ That shall be the end of this topic. Chin-Hwa, the next one?”

“ Yes, your majesty,” he said, turning sideways to grab the next scroll.

Listening to what he said, your back unconsciously leaned onto the throne until the end of the audience.

☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

“ What do you think of this,” pointing to the fabric, you asked.

“ No, that doesn’t match with the theme of the banquet.”

Speechless at what he just said, you couldn’t manage to form a proper coherent reply and instead chose to nod, trying to understand what he meant.

Picking up the gold fabric, you caressed it, feeling the material. “ Gold and blue is the national color of Ecenyth. Without it, it would just seem like any other banquets.”

Shaking his head in distaste, he snatched the fabric out of your grasp before tossing it behind him.

Gaping at the fallen piece of fabric, you winced at how costly that sample is. Maybe, just maybe, Taehyung is right in someway or another.

“ This tone is too yellow. The Ecenyth Gold is darker and not as vivid. Such a poor taste in choice, who chose this.”

Feeling your eye twitch as his words, you slowly raised your hand up, signaling that you were the poor-taster.

Seeing your raised hand, Seokjin momentarily swallowed what he was about to say, before swiftly standing up and picking up the fabric from the floor. Taking the fabric back to you, he let out a flattering smile.

“ Now looking back at this shade, I don’t think it’s that bad.”

Letting out a polite smile, you ignore his words before droughting down another possible shade of gold.

“ Chin-Hwa, go see if we have another shade of gold. Preferably one that is darker and not as vivid.”

Nodding at your words, Chin-Hwa tiredly walked out of your study to go on the seventh trip to the imperial warehouse.

Letting out a whine, “ Y/nnnn-ssi, I didn’t know that was the shade that you have picked!”

Perking up at your name, you turned sideways to look at him.

“ Well Seokjin-ssi, it doesn’t matter if I chose it out or not. It has already been done, let’s move on to the next color,” you sarcastically said.

“ How can I move on if you are being sarcastic?”

Giving him an unimpressive face, before you continue to look at the various colours laying out in front of you.

“ Corea’s national colors are red, white, as well as blue. If we were to incorporate these colours together, I doubt that it would come off as impressive.”

“ I don’t think it would be if we arrange in a simpler way.”

“ How?”

Grabbing the brush in front of him, Seokjin quickly drawed a picture of the venue where he added various decorations and flowers. Peering over his shoulder to see his progress, you were starting to understand what he was saying.

After he was done, Seokjin gave it to you to inspect. Scanning over the image, connecting all the words with the picture next to it, you smiled.

“ Not bad. I don’t believe this is a style of the Ecenyths,” you said, “ Where did you get the inspiration for this design?”

Setting the brush down, Seokjin Cooley answered, “ This type of style is actually quite popular in the west, but with us not having that many connections with it, I figure to incorporate some of Corea’s features into the design.”

Nodding your head in agreement, “ Not bad, not bad. This could be used as a basic framework before the final design. A solid design if I must say.”

Beaming at your praise, Seokjin let out an egoistic mhmm.

“ Will you sponsor this banquet?” You teased.

“ Should I?”

“ You’re part of this alliance too, Seokjin-ssi. My country is providing the location, why not contribute the decoration and supplies?”

Laughing at your words, “ You jest, your majesty. A wealthy person like you would need me to sponsor the supplies? I don’t think my products are good enough for such a lavish location.”

“ Lavish? Please, it’s just the courtroom where the throne is present. Nothing about it is lavish.”

Smirking at your comment, Seokjin replied back, “ Then I shall rely on your majesty’s favour to promote my small business.”

“ I shall do what is in my capabilities, Merchant.”

Before Seokjin had the chance to response to your words, Chin-Hwa entered the room.

“ Your majesty, I have returned with the all the golden shades that are available in our warehouse,” Chin-Hwa announced, placing a pile of various fabrics of the same color yet in a different shade.

“ Merchant, since you are more experienced in this field than myself. I shall hand over this part to you.”

Letting out a nod, Seokjin bowed his head in agreement, ‘ I shall follow your majesty’s orders.”

“ Good. Now that’s settled, I don’t see a reason for trapping you here within my courtyard.”

Smirking at your cold way of dismissing him, Seokjin wanted to respond back with a witty comment but ultimately decided not to when he remembered that Chin-Hwa is still present.

“ It was my pleasure to serve your majesty,” Seokjin said.

Waving to call in a maid to escort Seokjin, you smirked at how obedient the lad was being.

Where is his usual cheeky self?

However, you soon regretted your initial thought with the wink he sent before disappearing out into the corridor.

That damn minx.

Shaking your head in disbelief, you slowly turn around, ultimately return back to where you were.

“ Did the Noble Consort receive my invitation?”

“ The Noble Consort received your invitation yesterday night.”

“ What was his reply?”

“ Reporting to your majesty, the Noble Consort has accepted your invite.”

Smiling, you nodded in satisfaction, “ Good.”

☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

Leaning against the rough walls, you patiently waited for your companion. Dressed in a simple outfit along with your sword, sheathed in another scabbard, you looked nothing more than a mere traveller.

However, what differs you from the rest was the mysterious aura you released. Granted, with your occupation, the mystery is never really far from the truth and seemed to have also affected your day-to-day habit as well.

Regardless, it had seemed to be the reason for you gaining quite a bit of attention. Despite the unsubtle crowd that was starting to jam the district, you continue to dismiss them, putting your attention on waiting for your companion.

Suddenly, you felt a presence going toward your direction, specifically aiming at you. Twisting your feet to turn around, you grasp the handle of your sword, ready to unsheathe it if necessary.

Thankfully, you calm down after spotting the familiar figure.

“ You’re late.”

Sheepishly rubbing his head, he ducked his head down in apology, “ I apologize. The maids kept pestering about my outfit. It took me over half an hour to convince them to let me go.”

As mentioned in his attire, your eyes naturally examine his outfit for the day. Consisting of an overcoat covering his entire build made from a relatively rough material, he still was not able to hide his pretty self. And it seemed that you were not the only one that noticed this with a massive increase in audience surrounding you both.

Nodding at his words, you hurriedly grab his arm before pulling him through the crowd while spilling out apologies. Eventually, you both managed to fight your way through the crowd, quickly running away to a quieter area.

Finally letting go of his hand, you awkwardly shifted away, not used to being near each other.

“ … The festival is mostly being celebrated in the main street, so let’s go there now.”

Nodding his head, Hoseok quietly followed you to the main street. On your guys’ way there, a word was yet to be spoken. With the awkwardness lingering in the air, both of you prompted to just focus your attention on the nearby surroundings.

Thankfully, the awkwardness was soon forgotten and instead replaced with the excitement of the festival ahead.

Today marks the opening date of the three-day Nurturing Solstice. The Nurturing Solstice is an annual holiday that officially starts the harvest season. As a result, a three-day break would occur to help people celebrate the start of a bountiful season.

Walking side-by-side with each other, you were able to observe the way his eyes sparkled in interest whenever you guys pass by a lively stall.

“ Do you want that?” You asked, pointing at one of the treats nearby.

Looking to where you pointed, Hoseok blinked at what was presented in front of him, not sure what it.

“ You don’t know what it is?”

“ What is it?” Hoseok asked after shaking his head.

Sighing in exaggeration, you encased Hoseok’s hand in yours, dragging him to the stall.

“ Auntie, how much is this,” you asked, pointing to the various options, “ Choose one that you want.”

“ No! I’m fine,” Hoseok said, frantically waving his hand, wanting to dismiss your statement. However, Hoseok quickly shut his mouth when he met your friendly gaze. Amidst the moment, he randomly chose one, popping it into his mouth.

Smiling at his actions, you took some money from your purse and handed it to the lady. Grabbing another one for yourself, you gracefully accepted the change before thanking her and walking away.

“ How is it?”

Raising his head when he heard your question, you smiled at him to let him know that you mean no harm.

“ It’s good. What is it called?”

“Tanghulu.” you said, “... You seemed familiar with the streets.”

Pausing on his meal, Hoseok let out an awkward smile, “ … I used to sneak off a lot with my sister when I was a child. We would always save up enough money to rent a ride from our main house to the streets so we could play and go home before anyone notices our absence.”

Despite his reasoning sounding a bit stiff and odd, you decided to not comment on it, and instead focus your curiosity on the newly introduced figure.

“ Sister? You had a sister?”

Hoseok nodded, a fond smile appearing on his face. “ My noona was a capable person. Anything caught her interest, she would try her all to become one of the best at it.”

“ Were you closed with her?”

“ We were inseparable during our childhood.”

“ … How about now?”

“ … She disappeared after her 15th birthday and was soon announced dead.”

Taking in a sharp breath, you mentally cringed at his answer, wanting nothing more than to shove those words back into your mouth. “ I apologize, I didn’t realize that such an unfortunate thing happened to her.”

Hoseok smiled, shaking his head. “ No, it has been years since the incident happened. I’ve already moved on. It’s useless to cling on to the past.”

You stare at his face, taking into every curve and crevice, admiring his features while you both walk through the district. Noticing how his eyes sparkled as his chest unconsciously puffed up whenever he talks about his sister, you figured that this person must have been extremely close with him in the past.

“ I’m glad that you have done that. I’m sure that your sister would be proud of you.”

“ You think so?”

You nodded your head, “ Of course. People who love you will not want you to suffer.”

“ Thank you, your majesty.”

“ Don’t call me that here,” you said, wincing at your title. However, Hoseok only looked around before questioning you.

“ No one is here right now.”

“ It doesn’t matter,” you lectured, “ It’s always better to be extra cautious and not regret it later.”

“ … Then what should I call you?” He asked, looking troubled.

“ Y/N.”

Dropping the stick he had just ate from, Hoseok looked at you, bewildered. “ I’m sorry?”

“ Call me Y/N.”

“ …”

“ Call me Y/N.”

“ … Y-y-y-y-n… Y-y-n,” Hoseok stuttered out, “ Y/N.”

You nodded in satisfaction, “ Get used to it. We shall use it whenever we go outside, or even when we’re alone—if you’re alright with it of course.”

Blushing at your teasing, Hoseok felt his shoulders scrunched up in embarrassment. However, the thought of getting to call you by your name doesn’t sound half bad.

“ Do… the other consorts also… call your name as well?”

“ I don’t think so, with the exception of Taehyung though. That rascal would whine right after a formal conference.”

Unintentionally frowning when he heard about your comment about Taehyung, Hoseok’s heart clenched at the familiarity and fondness you have for him.

“ You sound very … close.”

“ We are close. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here.”

Mentally cringing at your words, you wanted to slap yourself again.

I really had to bring that up.

“ … To be honest, I’m glad that you guys did.”

Fluttering your eyes wide open, you stared at him, bewildered at what he had just shared.

“ With you here, the country is already doing better with you being here,” Hoseok commented, “ Besides, I prefer my current life.”

Letting out a scoff, finding his reason ridiculous, “ You like being trapped within the palace walls and forbidden of the most basic freedom?”

“ That’s not what I meant. Living in the palace was much better than my life back home. Besides, my life now is pretty reasonable. I get to have a roof above my head, three meals per day, clothes to wear, and getting the chance to go outside.”

Smiling bitterly, you shocked your head in disbelief. “ You don’t want more than just a normal life?”

“ No, being able to watch the flow of life already satisfied me.”

“ You really are an interesting person, Hoseok.”

“ I’m glad that you find me interesting, yo— Y/N.”

“ You’re getting better.”

“ … Right, you said that you were closed with the Royal Consort. Did you perhaps know each other long before this. You do—“

“ Don’t worry it’s fine. Taehyung and I have not known each other since he was ten? Around there so over a decade now. I would like to say that I know him like the back of my hand even but he is like a wildcard so I’m never really sure.”

“ … Were … you guys lovers?”

Stopping your tracks, you looked at Hoseok, obviously taken back to what he had said. However, before Hoseok can say anything, you burst out laughing.

“ You thought that Taehyung and I were lovers?”

Blushing at your comment, Hoseok awkwardly nodded, embarrassed by his own comment.

“ I wouldn’t consider ourselves lovers,” you answered, calming down, “ It’s more like platonic love.”

“ It’s still love though.”

Raising your eyebrows, you let out a teasing smile, “ If that’s love then wouldn’t we be considered to be lovers since you’re also my consort?”

Stunned at what you just said, Hoseok felt his cheeks darkens rapidly, feeling a little too warm all of a sudden.

Laughing at his current state, you were quick to dismiss the awkward air, “ I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

Feeling a pang enter his heart, Hoseok tried to ignore it and put on a smile, following the flow.

“ But seriously, being with you is like bathing in an entirely new light,” you noted, continue your walk, “. I sometimes wonder is there really is a galaxy within your body.”

“ You jest, y— Y/N. How can I support such a major system?”

“ Still, you give off such a sensation that is incredibly hard to describe. You were definitely what I had expected.”

“ You’re also like that.”

“ Hmm? In what way?” You asked, humming a small tone.

“ You… When I first got announced that I will marry you, I thought that my life would end there.”

Snorting out a laugh that you couldn’t contain, you amusedly glare at him. “ How about now?”

“ Now? You’re more humane than I thought. Originally, I thought that you would be …”

“ A monster?”

Sheepishly nodding, Hoseok sent you an apologetic glance. “ … Yes, but now that I’ve known you, I don’t think you as a monster.”

“ Then what do you see me as?”

“ … I-I don’t know.”

Eyeing the contemplated expression on his face, you smiled fondly, finding his current state adorable.

“ Then what do you want to see me as?”

“ … I also don’t know.”

“ You’re an indecisive person, Hoseok,” you teased, moving on right after, “ Do you know what my current impression of you is?”

Not hearing his response, you presumed it was a sign for you to continue, “ I see you as someone who is bright, and pretty yet present themself with outstanding confidence. I feel at ease when I’m with you,... and that I could share my secrets with you.”

Slowly blinking his eyes, Hoseok took some time to process what you had said. “ Share your secrets with me? Are you sure? I’m the son of a minster from the previous dynasty. Aren’t you afraid that I will retaliate with these informations?”

“ I don’t care about your status. What I’m evaluating is you, as a person not your social status. And with that, I don’t think that you are the type to use these information for your own gain, you know better that,” you explained, shrugging your shoulders, “ Besides, it’s just an example. Don’t worry too much about it.”

Despite your last sentences, Hoseok felt butterflies fluttered his core.

“ You’re a strange person, your majesty.”

Ignoring what he had just addressed you at, you replied, “ That could also be said to you, Hoseok-ssi.”

Unlike last time, this conversation ended on a rather high note. With none of you being uncomfortable with the topics, you both silently walk through the crowd, mindlessly admiring the scenes surrounding you both.

Walking through the crowd, you coincidentally found a tea house on the main street. Upon settling yourselves there, you ordered a couple of dishes along with a pot of tea.

“ How are you finding the festival?”

Looking around, Hoseok grinned, “ I li— no love it. Thank you.”

“ I’m glad that you’re enjoying your time here. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of chances of going outside in the future.”

Instead of answering, Hoseok only looked into your eyes, with you naturally understanding what he meant.

“ … Anyways, I have to go somewhere for some time. How about we split up and return to the tea house an hour from now?”

“ Of course, Y/n.”

“ Are you sure that you will be fine?” you asked, furrowing your eyebrows in concern.

Quickly shaking his hands, Hoseok brought his hand up, waving to dismiss your worries, “ No, please don’t worry about me. I’m, believe it or not, the son of Minister Jung. I have had martial arts training in the past before.”

“ I’m glad. That’s why you are so agile,” you complimented, '' Why can’t Taehyung be like you?”

Chuckling at your comment, Hoseok cheekily added, “ I will try my best to assist him.”

You broke out to a smile, satisfied with his response. Swiftly bending down, you reach your hand inside your pants, pulling a small dagger out. Handing it to Hoseok, you said, “ Use this when necessary.”

Eyes widening at what was offered, Hoseok clenched his fist before shakily grabbing it. However, before he can say anything, you did a quick greeting, tossing a few banknotes on the table, before turning away.

“ Be sure to show up on time!” You said, indicating that you were off.

Quickly climbing down the stairs, your expression quickly turned gloomy. Swiftly stepping out of the tea house, you looked around before turning right, immediately blending into the crowd. Tightening your hold on the handle, you made your way through the crowds, taking a few turns when needed. Soon enough you have arrived in the Red District.

Regardless of the constant pestering, you were getting, you continue to walk past them, focusing on finding your target. Looking through the crowd, you tried to spot any familiar faces.

Letting out a curse when a drunk bastard pushed you to the side, you glared at the disappearing figure. Sighing in irritation, you harshly fling away the hand clinging on to you before storming off in the opposite direction.

After approximately fifteen minutes of searching, you spotted a familiar silhouette, peeking out from one of the alleys. And it seemed as though they had noticed you as well with them disappearing in the next second after being spotted by you.

Skillfully passing through the street, you make a sharp right turn to enter the alley. Unlike the rest of the district, this particular alley was lit by only a candle, which was currently in the possession of the person in front of you.

Relaxing against the wall, you comfortably looked over at the person to see them still stuck in one place.

“ What is your purpose of leaving the territory, Raven?”

~MintVender ( 04/04/21 )

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