#advice !

[aptericia]

I've realized that a lot of people (not just on tumblr, but irl as well) don't really know how to respond, emotionally, to strangers asking for money. This is not anyone's fault, of course! I grew up in a densely populated city where I would encounter beggars every time I went out of the house, so it doesn't stress me out at all. A lot of people aren't as used to it though, so here are some tips to keep in mind:

Not donating to someone in need does not make you a bad person. Even if you can afford it, money/time/mood-wise.

Accidentally donating to a scammer also does not make you a bad person.

When it comes to giving individual strangers a few bucks, it's basically pointless to try to deduce their authenticity. If you try, you are probably either a) relying on "vibes"/"common sense" which is extremely prone to emotional whims, demographic-based bias, etc. or b) spending WAY too much time on research.

Many beggars will make you uncomfortable. They will be mentally ill, or bigoted, or they'll say "God bless you" to people who don't believe in God, or they'll lie/exaggerate to garner more sympathy. This doesn't mean they aren't deserving of help, but it may mean that you can't/don't personally help them. Both things are true.

Related to the above: scroll past, block those accounts, filter those tags, avoid those streets, kindly interrupt that person and walk off.

If dealing with individuals is too stressful, you can always donate to trusted organizations instead! These are easier to research and may be more efficient. You can also volunteer for these!

Others aren't necessarily gullible because they choose to donate. Others aren't necessarily uncaring because they choose not to donate. Don't judge, especially if it's not someone you know.

Please don't spread unproven "facts" about individuals just to make others agree with your choice. Again, see the first three bullet points.

In short, your approach to donation should be based off YOU, your values and lifestyle, not the person you're donating to... because you know a lot more about yourself than them! If something makes you feel good or gives you energy/incentive to create positive change, then do it! If it makes you anxious, ashamed, or burnt out, then don't do it!

It may seem like a big deal when people ask for money because it probably is a big deal to them, and they will act accordingly! But the reality is, you and I can't afford that much emotional investment to every stranger on the planet. Individual donations are one of many, many different needs in our society, and having a massive moral dilemma over them every time is not healthy✌️

[thatsbelievable]

[honeytonedhottie]

Hi, i'm rly into girly stuff, but i don't know how to get a girly mindset , like what do i think to be girly, how does a rly girly person think?? What do they think.

hey girl so im gonna answer this the best i can by just telling you thoughts that i have a lot and ways that i think ->

🧁 im a BIG optimist so im always thinking positively. i also practice law of assumption so keeping my thoughts in check is important. just never dwelling long on the unfavorable and always thinking best case scenario thoughts

🧁 as a girly girl im really CREATIVE. im always thinking of ways i can create, whether thats content for my blog or my twitter, for my magazine, new projects, music, makeup looks etc etc

🧁 i think about fashion a LOT. daydreaming about pieces i wanna find, filling up my carts on online shopping platforms, planning and curating outfits in my fashion binder, its all so fun to me so i find myself thinking about fashion a lot

🧁 think about the girly stuff u love and how u can give that to yourself

🧁 lastly i think about how i can give myself doll experiences. filling up my social calendar, taking myself out to do nice things and planning things. i LOVE to have things to look forward to and i love spending time with my girls so im always looking for events and fun things to do and take advantage of because im quite the social butterfly

[dark-wackademia]

uh, "i just need to focus on myself right now, thanks for understanding", and then do that regardless of how they react because you deserve to take care of yourself.

also, controversial opinion: you really don't need to explain yourself to anyone, ESPECIALLY when you're in a place like this. babes, your first priority is to let go of that feeling of worrying how others will take you living your best life/feeling obligation to anyone but yourself in order to start living authentically to you and doing whatever you need to for yourself.

secondly: you can do that for maintaining a healthy state so that you don't reach this place too, like preventative medicine... people forget it's worth much more than the methods we enact once at a later stage with something that could have been perhaps avoided all together, if not lessened had we caught it earlier. something i wish more people really understood is that you don't need to be AT deaths door or burnout/this level of not doing well to step back and get back to basics for yourself. imho, you can stay there as long as you need since we all interact with the world differently, and so, we all have varying needs, and those needs shift. sometimes, for a long while, you'll need to stick to being minimal in one area of life to create a sense of peace and balance for yourself in areas that matter more, at that time, and then reverse areas at another point in life. it's alright to just need to do what you need to in order to feel the best you can in life. it's kind of your only real job for yourself because it is YOUR life, after all. and no, that's NOT being selfish, because i hate when people i know take this time that their bodies, minds, and souls are crying out for them to only to frame it in "it's okay to be selfish". taking care of yourself (even if your support needs at the moment, or even in general, long-term, are high) does NOT equate to being selfish AT ALL.

repeat instead the mantras like "i can't pour from an empty cup" and keep in mind that you DONT want to wait until your cups empty. in other words, you don't need to keep pouring just because you have something in your cup. it's okay to keep yourself for yourself. if you have the time and energy, it doesn't mean you need to give it, even if you have been doing maintenance for a while. let go of that guilt, shame, and obligation you feel for simply existing and living. you deserve to enjoy yourself too. you deserve to enjoy your own time and energy before giving it away (even if you want to, which i get is a hard middle ground to strike but in time you'll find it). it's much more enjoyable when you do it this way. try to think about it in the way of water, if you went around literally pouring your water into everyone's cup just because you have even a drop, you'd end up killing yourself because you're drinking nothing. even a little, even half a cup is still not enough. framing it in that way has helped me shed the internalized ablism I had for most of my life, being someone that needs to support myself by giving myself a lot more alone time than most, especially, made me vulnerable to people who socialize more shaping my own perception as negative towards my natural inclination. now that i've let go of this, and keep doing so, i find i actually want to socialize more and find it more energizing whenever i do. i even make it a priority now, instead of finding it to be a chore, as i once had. also, i rec socializing only in areas of interest when you're craving some but are low on energy and vibes to give.

hope this helps someone. <3

also, i think people will understand, and even if they don't, in time, you'll meet someone who does. give yourself that space and time you need so you don't burn yourself out on ones who don't, so you're not burnt out for the ones who come along and get you. You are worthy just as you are and you don’t need to keep changing yourself for the approval or support of others. Even if you have to support yourself for a while, it’s more worthwhile to stay true to yourself and prove to yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you and choose to accept yourself and show up for yourself than to keep shapeshifting for people who don’t really know, see, or accept you for you, and will only “love” you for the version of you provide. Love isn’t a service to offer anyone, if that feels to be the case, revaluate and pour your love into yourself for a while. A book that really helped me in processing this was “unmasking autism”, and I believe it’s helpful for not just autistic or neurodivergent people but all people! Especially so for those that feel othered in some way!

[aromanticofficial]

Ok so bit of a weird one probably, but here we go:

I’m aroace, I’ve known that for quite a while now, this isn’t about me though. I think my mom is on the Aro spectrum and I don’t really know how to approach the whole “hey I think you might be a bit queer here’s a term you won’t understand!” Cause I know that won’t go well.

And the reason I think my mom may be on the Aro spectrum is because she talks about romance the exact way that I feel about it, she doesn’t want it. But she’s so stuck in amnormativity mind set that she can’t really imagine it?? She’s divorced and has a dated a bit since, but each time she just complains about the fact that she doesn’t really wanna date the guy, she just wants to hang out with them and be friends.

I don’t really know what im looking for here, advice mostly, if there happens to be an article or something ppl would know of maybe? Just explaining the basics of aromanticism that I can send her so I don’t have to do all the explaining cause honestly I would just frustrate her with the terms and get frustrated that she’s frustrated and we’d go nowhere.

I love my mom and I think that it’d help her to know that there is a term for what she feels(or really lack there of🤝) so that she doesn’t feel like she’s wronging society or something. Idk I don’t fully know what im asking for here, but if you have any advice I am so open to it.

Love the blog btw<4

my mom is much the same way in that she once described how she feels attraction and it was pretty much the entire demi experience. i'd suggest not bringing up queerness and just trying to open her up to the idea that she doesn't have to have a romantic relationship. like next time she complains about dating tell her "hey you can just be friends with someone, you don't have to date them"

[boomstab-papa]

Do the mediation anyway. Do the bullet journal anyway. Do whatever heals you personally. And when you feel worse than you did [however much time ago], remind yourself that bud, it's the fascism.

Do something in your community to help, for sure. Resist. Donate. Network. Put in the work.

But you also have to take care of yourself. Give yourself space to be happy - you're not going to fix things by making yourself miserable. And give yourself space to be sad - you're not going to fix yourself by refusing to ever feel bad ever.

Me: I don't get it. I thought I was doing a lot better than I was a few years ago. I'm like 10 times more on top of things than I used to be. How does everything feel terrible now?

The Tiny Me in OSHA-approved Hi-Vis Gear Who lives in my brain and pulls all the levers: Boss, it's the fascism. You're completely gunked up with cortisol due to the fact that your entire daily life is now underscored with a haunting awareness of the rapid erosion of your rights, dignity, and any and all social safety nets, and you're also bearing witness to the most vulnerable people immediately being persecuted. This creates a natural stress response that basically means you're going to continue having memory and organizational problems, as well as emotional imbalances.

Me: BUT I HAVE A BULLET JOURNAL AND I MEDITATE NOW.

Tiny OSHA Me: BOSS, THE FASCISM.

[danskjavlarna]

Source details and larger version.

From party people to party games to party poopers, feel free to crash my collection of vintage party imagery.

[spiderhungry]

#you should not learn bird thievery however (tag via @kedreeva )

hmmmmmmmm

If your life is horrible and you need a new source of meaning and direction.... Do NOT find religion. Learn to identify plants.

[helpful-writing-tips]

if you're trying to get into the head of your story's antagonist, try writing an "Am I the Asshole" reddit post from their perspective, explaining their problems and their plans for solving them. Let the voice and logic come through.

[thatsbelievable]

[honeytonedhottie]

hi honey! i feel kinda dumb asking this but since ai has been taking over literally everything, i’ve been trying to get back into my old creative ways without using ai. do you have any advice on how to exercise my creativity and imagination?

hey anonie!

🍨 wean urself off of ai - minimize how much you use it. cutting it cold turkey might not be sustainable so build up to it thru subtle limits that increase.

🍓 necessity breeds creativity - now that ur not using ai at all, you'll naturally think of ways to problem solve, brainstorm! some things i do to help my creativity is watching/searching for things that inspire me and figuring out what i love about those things -> how can i replicate that and give it a makeover.

🍨 im gonna piggy back off of the last point but consume what inspires you. and dont be too hard on yourself! your imagination isn't gone it just needs a little exercise and space since ai has just been so loud yk?

🍓 go back and reflect on ur creative process before u introduced ai - sometimes looking back and observing how u used to do things will help you know the next steps to get back into ur creative swing of things.

[alixanderkrex]

biggest thing I learned in the last few years is how huge of a mindset change this living really is. you feel so much less drained and even when tired it’s like… it’s okay because yn the work is going into things that matter to you.

Letting go of all that has helped me sm, truly. And I didn’t have it in large amounts before, but being sensitive, it definitely had its effects.

Everything I do, I do with love at the forefront and I’m dedicated and driven by my passions.

I literally don’t have the space, time, or energy to spare for any of that shit.

I say let go but really I mean worked through it all for most of my life in order to connect with the feelings/process and get to a place where I’m not concerned with the societal bs. best thing I ever did was delete my socials tho, I’ll tell you that much! It’s been over a decade now and I’m only considering being on em again for work reasons, maybe to do lil things like this to try and help contribute to helping others through the layers of this work.

Video captions: And stop trying to show your ex what they missed out on! Stop trying to teach your family a lesson for not believing in you! Stop trying to shit on your haters! Do it for you! Do it because you deserve it! Do it for YOU! Water your dreams with love! Don’t put no hate and resentment, and try to — “oh Imma fucking show them, Imma show” — FUCK THEM! Fuck them, do it for you! They don’t matter! They NEVER mattered.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Something that literally changed my life was working with a friend on a coding thing. He was helping me create an auto rig script and was trying to explain something to me but his words were just turning into static in my brain. I was tired and confused and there was so many new concepts happening.

I could feel myself working toward a crying meltdown and was getting preemptively ashamed of what was about to happen when he said, “Hey, are you someone who benefits from breaks?”

It broke me.

Did I benefit from breaks? I didn’t know. I’d never taken them.

When a problem frustrated or upset me I just gritted my teeth and plowed through the emotional distress because eventually if you batter and flail at something long enough you figure it out. So what if you get bruised on the way.

I viscerally remembered in that moment being forced to sit at the table late into the night with my dad screaming at me, trying to understand math. I remembered taking that with me into adulthood and having breakdowns every week trying to understand coding. I could have taken a break? Would it help? I didn’t know! I’d never taken one!

“Yes,” I told him. We paused our call. I ate lunch. I focused on other stuff for half an hour. I came back in a significantly better state of mind, and the thing he’d been trying to explain had been gently cooking in the back of my head and seemed easier to understand.

Now when I find myself gritting my teeth at problems I can hear his gentle voice asking if I benefit from breaks. Yes, dear god, yes why did I never get taught breaks? Why was the only way I knew to keep suffering until something worked?

I was relating to this same friend recently my roadtrip to the redwoods with my wife. “We stopped every hour or so to get out and stretch our legs and switch drivers. It was really nice. When I was a kid we’d just drive twelve hours straight and not stop for anything, just gas. We’d eat in the car and power through.”

He gave a wry smile, immediately connecting the mindset of my parents on a road trip to what they’d instilled in me about brute forcing through discomfort. “Do you benefit from breaks?” he echoed, drawing my attention to it, making me smile with the same sad acknowledgement.

Take breaks. You’re allowed. You don’t have to slam into problems over and over and over, let yourself rest. It will get easier. Take. Breaks.

[whydidisavethistomyphone]

[followerofmercy]

Networking/Knowing A Guy: A Guide

This is the autism website. Now, as an extension of the power of love and friendship, there are few things more useful than Knowing A Guy. Knowing A Guy means you have a support network. Knowing a plumber, or a tax accountant, or just that one dude that's really fucking good at finding the information you need when you're really overwhelmed, can be the difference between being able to pay rent and having a fun party with friends to fix your shit.

How does one end up Knowing A Guy? It's a skill you can develop called Networking and it is one of the foundations of society. Unfortunately making those connections with people is fucking hard and nobody makes a tutorial for it. So, here you go:

The golden rule is you scratch my back and I scratch yours

It is necessary for survival to seek out useful people

Great news! Everyone is useful in some form or fashion - including you! When given the opportunity to learn about someone, do it! Extroversion does not come naturally to some people and that's okay. Just take whatever falls in your lap.

Types of usefulness: trade skills, connections of their own, personality you jive with, pleasant to talk to, niche interest in shared hobby, security - the list is pretty much endless. I know a guy that lives in the metro area - no job, no major hobbies, inoffensively annoying to me personally, kinda ignorant, not attractive to me, but you know what? He knows how the fuck to get around the city by foot. My rural-raised ass APPRECIATES the guide.

Remember important information: general personality, background, skillset, likes and dislikes. You can find this information by making smalltalk about their life. There is no such thing as pointless conversation. (Yes, even the annoying smalltalk)

The more people you know, the higher the likelihood that one of them will be useful in a given situation - or will know someone who is.

It is overwhelming. In a given clique/community/workspace/whatever, there is A Guy Who Knows The Other Guys. This Guy is a shortcut. Find them. They're often elderly, extroverted, a little bit annoying, a secretary or in some otherwise forward-facing position. Look for people that are gossipy/talk about other people a lot but not in negative ways. If they constantly talk shit, they'll talk shit about you too. They're still useful but be careful with the information you share

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.*

If you have low self esteem, you're going to feel like you're using people. You're not. That's the devil talking. People like feeling valued and the connections you are making are the threads holding community together. Recognize people for their talents. It's only a problem when you're taking advantage of people

So: don't feel scummy about it. You're an animal. You have to claw out your right to survive and people will respect you more for it.

Luckily mutualism is the name of the game in the animal kingdom. Offer something back. The foundation of a Know A Guy relationship is Mutual Benefit

Sometimes that Mutual Benefit is just spreading news of the The Guy far and wide. My plumber friend is my actual friend and I love her to death, but I'm maintaining our backscratch relationship by pimping out her plumbing business to anyone that'll listen

Food is a good Mutual Benefit. People across cultures for all of human history have bonded over food. I have good success asking people for a favor and then offering to buy them lunch in return **

General compensation is also good. Offer a service in return and always do your best to offer financial compensation as appropriate. Having your plumber friend take a look at your drain: doable with a case of beer. Having your plumber friend redo the pipes in your entire house? You need to pay for that.

Being transactional is not necessarily a bad thing. I would advise against keeping an itemized list of things owed, but fish don't seek out cleaner shrimp just because they enjoy their company. Everyone gets something

Unfortunately being extroverted and generally personable is a huge benefit here, but that's the value of the Guy That Knows A Guy. There's someone out there that has consolidated All The Guys so you don't have to be the local expert. Always remember nobody can do everything and you don't need to master every skill

* This is the foundation of a functioning community. I have many acquaintances that I find incredibly annoying. They include doctors, welders, artists, social workers, lawyers, construction crew and random fuckers at the grocery store. I do not hang out with them. I do not have to in order to maintain a civil Know A Guy relationship. I can drop them useful tidbits and fuck right off so I don't have to spend any more time than necessary with them

** People may assume romantic intent. Be prepared for that. I generally denote that it's a friendly/work lunch by calling them bro at some point if they're my age. Otherwise my general demeanor is sufficient to show that I do this with everyone

Source: personal experience, mother's teachings of crime, booth vending and poverty