#adhd tortures me when it comes to reading

[wolfwhisperertf]

The man is in a dress, I repeat the man is in the dress

Guess who finally bought the physical copy of one of their favorite books lol

[blacknedsoul-blog]

A detailed explanation from my headcanon that Annabel has ADHD

So I had this six fucking hour trip. On a bus. Alone. And I was bored out of my mind, because sitting around being bored is as close to mental torture as it gets for me.

Fortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel: I was inspired. Away from the burnout I have with fanfics, I remembered that I've mentioned this headcanon several times on Nevermore's Discord and just thought, what better time to talk about ADHD than when I'm having a pretty ADHD moment?

But before I start, there are a few little things that need to be pretty clear on the table:

I'm being a bit hypocritical here: in general, I'm deeply against diagnosing fictional characters for two reasons: first, it's an impossible task to distinguish between character traits and symptoms to such an extent that you can go around forever without coming to a real conclusion unless the author of the work confirms it, and second, even if you have the disorder you're talking about, you can fall into the trap of perpetuating stereotypes or generalizing, thereby invalidating other experiences. So even if the tone of this review sounds very assertive, it is because of my writing style. I am in no way diagnosing Annabel; this is an analysis of her character through the lens of a possible disorder.

In relation to the above, where I point out an event in the comic that can be read as a symptom, I am not reducing it to "this only happens because she has ADHD". You CAN'T reduce a person's personality to "they has a disorder," and when I point out these examples, I'm not doing so with the intention of denying the background behind it, but rather pointing out how, under the magnifying glass of having it, it might exacerbate that behavior.

I am NOT a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a neurologist: I am a woman with ADHD. One who has done a lot of research on the subject, been in therapy with a psychologist who specializes in the disorder, and talked extensively about it both with friends who also have it and with professionals. But I don't have a career in mental health, I don't pretend to, and everything you'll read below is a mixture of research and personal experience.

You're going to see a lot of "we" or "those of us with ADHD" because, as I said, I have it too, but this is all a generalization made for the sake of flow. The symptoms of this disorder can be expressed in many different ways, and not everyone has all of them (for example, there are some that I don't have, but it would be strange to change the voice of the text just because of that, it makes it harder to read). If you have ADHD and read a symptom and think "hey, I don't get that", that's perfectly normal. Your experience is valid and I don't want to pass it on. But it would be exhausting for me and for the reader to use tentative phrases all the time.

If this text resonates too much with you, I strongly recommend that you see a professional, if you're able, and not self-diagnose: ADHD has many symptoms in common with autism and other neuro divergences, don't risk misdiagnosis.

If you have a different opinion than mine on this subject and want to share it with me, I'll be happy to read it, if I don't answer it's because I forgot (forgive me?). But you can be sure that I will read it.

Anyway, let's get started.

What is ADHD?

According to the NIH (National Institute of Mental Health) website, this is the definition of ADHD:

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of the following types of symptoms:

Inattention means a person may have difficulty staying on task, sustaining focus, and staying organized, and these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.

Hyperactivity means a person may seem to move about constantly, including in situations when it is not appropriate, or excessively fidgets, taps, or talks. In adults, hyperactivity may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.

Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity could also include a desire for immediate rewards or the inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may interrupt others or make important decisions without considering long-term consequences.

Here is an impression that needs to be clarified: ADHD is more about an inability to regulate attention than a lack of it. A neurotypical person may choose to focus on a task to get it done, we may procrastinate to death because even if we want to, we can't focus on it, or stand there absorbed in it ad infinitum until the house falls down around us (and we may still have trouble noticing). This is understood, Understanding all this, here is the list of Annabel's behaviors that could be interpreted as symptoms.

Hyperactivity

One thing that not everyone knows is that hyperactivity is not about running around like an uncontrolled animal. It can manifest itself in many ways, and there are many types: physical, mental, and even emotional.

In Annabel's case, she seems to be the first two types.

Perhaps due to her difficulty in expressing emotions, it is quite obvious at this point in the comic that her moods are made explicit through gestures: playing with her rings when she is happy or nervous, touching the ribbon around her neck in moments of anxiety, or playing with her hair almost as a default state.

Annabel.

Doesn't.

Sit.

Still.

Never.

It is also clear that Annabel is always planning something. Always.

This can be read into the logic of mental hyperactivity: when you have it, your brain just doesn't stop. Ever. And that's something that resonates with this lady.

Emotional Dysregulation

The part of the brain that regulates our moods works…erratically. Not to say it doesn't work at all.

This leads to a painfully common problem in women with ADHD: lack of emotional regulation is seen as drama, and instead of being taught tools to deal with it, we are taught to repress and bottle up emotions.

Annabel has highly internalized this as a defense mechanism. But here's the thing: if repressing emotions instead of learning how to deal with them in a healthy way is harmful, being biologically unable to regulate them can be even worse.

It touches the right nerves, and if you catch us flying low, it can cause explosive outbursts.

Possibly violent reactions to feeling offended or uncomfortable.

Or completely over-the-top reactions that we can't control.

And it's not just anger that's affected, it's the whole emotional spectrum. Another emotion that is very noticeable is fear. If we don't develop tools to help us calm down, we don't get scared, we panic.

If this happens too often, we can become prone to developing severe anxiety or frequent attacks.

We may also have great difficulty dealing with frustration. Our brains love rewards, and feeling that we're not getting them because of our own inability to do something can be downright annoying. And if we don't have the tools to express our frustration appropriately, we can have quite childish reactions, ranging from temper tantrums to…pouting.

I find it funny how several of these pouts are caused by Lenore, a bit like "Oh, come on, honey, what are we talking about?"

Another important thing to note here is that one of the most fucked up and notorious symptoms of this lack of emotional regulation is RSD, short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, defined as "a problem that interferes with your ability to regulate your emotional responses to feelings of failure and rejection. While rejection is almost always unpleasant, people with RSD experience overwhelming levels of emotional pain. This can lead to long-term mental health problems, fear of failure, and behavioral changes that negatively affect them throughout their lives."

Rejection and fear of failure are a problem for us. So much so that we may seek strategies to avoid it as much as possible, even when it causes us problems (such as not completing a task for fear of doing it wrong). This is an issue that can tear us apart emotionally.

Annabel is terrified of being rejected or despised. Her whole life has been built around appearances and getting the right people interested in her. If she can't do that, what good is she?

And that's something that comes up a lot in her relationship with Lenore. Repeatedly, in fact, but my favorite has to be this one:

Annabel thought it would be the smart thing to do to break that bond because she knows they're never going to see each other again. But the look on her face when Lenore calls her a "damn liar" is just painful to watch. I think ripping her heart out with a rusty spoon would have hurt less.

Finally, on the subject of things that aren't so funny: that thing Annabel does about biting her fingers when she's in a critical situation is something I used to do, too (only I'd bite my knuckles or palms).

My psychologist explained to me that when you feel like you're losing control, you immediately look for something to ground you, and unfortunately, physical pain is often a quick (if damaging) way to do that.

Codependency

Okay, here's a thing: it's not that we have a tendency as such to codependency, but this is a situation that can occur due to bad practices within a relationship. Especially a couple one.

As it stands out, people with ADHD can have a lot of problems with micromanaging ourselves, remembering things, dealing with our emotions, etc, etc, etc. And it is natural for close friends, family or our partner to help in those processes.

The problem arises when that help starts to become a parentification process where the partner who is providing support starts to do this on behalf of the other person, infantilizing them in the process.

This is a cocktail for resentment on both sides: the party calling the shots can easily feel that the other is putting a huge burden on their shoulders and not trying hard enough, while, on the other side, no one likes to feel like they are being treated like a child. Let alone that the person doing it is your partner.

But at the other end of resentment, there's codependency.

The constant feeling that you are a burden, insufficient or even disposable.

And that means you have a lot to make up for. On a regular basis. So much that you put yourself in a situation where you have to make horrible decisions so that someone else doesn't have to because somehow you owe it to them, who hasn't had that happen?

What I mean is that yes, Annabel feels like she owes this to Lenore because she only remembers the part where Lenore came kicking in doors to save her from a marriage she didn't want. And if she can't do this for her, she doesn't deserve a relationship.

Feeling inadequate, that your partner is doing you some kind of favor by tolerating you and ending up idealizing their in the process is obviously not unique to the neurodivergent experience.

But we try, we try really hard and, like anyone else, we like to feel that the effort we put in is seen and valued.

If we are not careful about that, we do indeed fall into the risk of becoming codependent. The desire to feel loved or valued becomes a constant hunger for validation from which it is difficult to escape because we are aware that our brain will never function in a different way. And if that is mixed with RSD, it can become an even bigger problem.

Novelty, games, challenges, and rewards

Producing dopamine on a normal basis is one thing our brains aren't very good at (one of the reasons we can be prone to depression, for example), but you know what they love? Challenges and rewards.

New things feed our endless curiosity, but for some reason unknown to me, our brains really love challenges and dares. They give us dopamine like we're on a high.

So much so that some people use it as a tactic to perform tasks they don't like: "How many dishes can I wash before my dinner is ready?", "If I can finish this in less than 30 minutes, I can go get chocolate."

One medium we may like very much for this reason is games. Board games, card games, or virtual games. It doesn't matter. Games provide a very good balance of challenge and reward.

If you see that Annabel seems overly interested in how this works, it's because there may be a part of her that thinks "aside from the deadly situation we're in…this is like the most hardcore escape room ever" and inevitably there's something here that stirs her bug.

It may be something she loves about Lenore. As a good hypocrite, Annabel despises the rules she knows so well, so when Lenore comes along with this gimmick and completely changes the paradigm of what she knows, there is inevitably something that appeals to her. Others who are good at the game look down on Lenore's disdain for the rules, to Annabel it is fucking appealing because it offers a range of unexplored possibilities that she fucking loves.

Erratic Communication

When our brains are running at full speed, communication can become a challenge, and we tend to exhibit erratic patterns.

One of these is info-dumping. Touch a topic we know about or are interested in and it's like stepping on a landmine: we explode talking about it. Non-stop. You'll have to hit us to shut us up.

Another thing is that we can have a bad habit of interrupting. A lot. It's not malicious, it's just that we're really into the conversation and want to participate as much as possible.

That said, even if we're extroverts, it can be a nightmare to withhold information or participate in a conversation if it doesn't grab our attention. It's not that we want to be disrespectful or anything, it's just that, again, we have no control over our ability to pay attention and we're swimming against the tide to hold on to whatever it is you're telling us.

This scene is something I've seen in friends with ADHD and have been told I do: stare at people while doing your best to do the hamster run to remember what they're telling you because you know it's important, even though your brain is putting it together with junk information because it's not engaging your attention in the right way.

Ignore the murderous stare part, it's not that common - at least I hope not.

Drinks that are like a pill

Our brains are not designed to produce certain hormones naturally or, in some cases, they produce them under other circumstances. For things like that, we can take pills, develop strategies to help our brains produce hormones.

And drink coffee. Lots of coffee.

Caffeine can be extremely relaxing for us because it can actually help our brains keep functioning, you know that stereotype of the highly coded ADHD character who drinks coffee like it's his life? Well, that's because.

You know what other beverage has a similar effect? Tea. Theine is also a natural activator, perhaps less aggressive than coffee, but it can have a similar effect.

If you're interested in describing this topic in fanfic or touching on it in fanart, tea should have a relaxing effect on Annabel and even help her concentrate.

Boredom

We get bored. A lot. And we get painfully bored. Here's what happens: boredom is caused by a lack of stimulation, and our brains aren't stimulated just because we can't regulate our attention to seek out that stimulation.

Add to that the fact that when we are bored, without dopamine hitting our receptors, our executive functions diminish and we function like shit.

Boredom

Is

Fucking

Murder

Because our brain starts desperately asking for dopamine and we can fall into really unhealthy behaviors like fighting, being chronically online, or eating because we can't find anything better to do. This also contributes -again- to our depression or anxiety.

Conclusions (and if I don't make the joke, I'll die)

In the book ADHD After Dark (a study of ADHD, relationships, and physical intimacy), Ari Tuckman draws some interesting conclusions, one of which is that on a statistical level, people with ADHD seem to be more likely to have what he calls "sexual eagerness": kinks, fetishes, a tendency to be adventurous in bed, and the like. Again, our brains love play, and both intimacy and flirtation can involve a lot of it.

So…

Um…

…well, I think Lenore will be happy. Good for her.

Anyway, this has been a seriously long explanation. Thanks for reading this far.

[definatelymrhyde]

THE JEKYLL AND HYDE

EXPERIMENT

THE FINDINGS

Breaks

I, being the Jekyll in this experiment managed to break my facade only twice. Here’s the info.

Break One: 2:27 PM, Reason: Ashyde reading out the ‘How to fight an ostrich’ wiki how page.

Break Two: 4:04 PM, Reason: Ashyde talking about ‘T posing and back flipping. Imagine it in your head im t posing and back flipping to assert my dominance and how im better than you. You can’t do this so im better.’ Etc etc

Notes Taken During The Course Of The Experiment

-It’s a lot harder to ignore than you would think

-You eventually get used to it, but some things still catch you off guard (See breaks)

-The noise from Ashyde was much easier to ignore when engaging with other people

-Having conversations was mildly harder and required a lot more focus than it should

-I have experience in scare acting and this was scary, spooky even. Someone constantly being in your head and commenting on your surroundings is terrifying just a little bit.

-Keeping a placid smile on your face helps a lot

-Singing songs and sing-songing isn’t annoying or distracting. It just feels like you have a song stuck in your head.

-The longer you ignore the ‘Hyde’ the more they ‘Hyde’ starts to go stir crazy and starts getting more and more creative

-Ashyde has an identity crisis after not being able to get me to be too annoyed and/or break more than I did. He said it felt like torturing himself in the process of trying to torture me!

-In moments where Ash was silent for a few minutes, I almost got nervous about when he was going to come back, what was going to happen, what I would get taunted with next etc

-After the hours of nonstop talking in my head, my mind feels weird and empty after two inner monologues existing in my head. I have ADHD, my mind has never felt this empty before.

The Final Takeaway

Jesus Christ. Props to TGS Jekyll for dealing with stuff like this for TWO YEARS. Because OH MY GOD. This was insane. Jekyll has a steel will and is a phenomenal actor in order to pull of everything he does the way he does. If we ever do this again? Well, I’ll make sure to write more notes because this was interesting.

Thanks to everybody who followed along with the experiment!! If anybody has any more specific questions about how we did it, things that happened over the six-seven hour call and any things you’d like to add please contact me through discord to those who have it or here on my Tumblr!! I don’t bite I promise!!!

[bonefall]

So, I'm writing an essay on the whole STATE of misogyny in WC for one of my university classes, and I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of things! No pressure of course, please feel free to say no!

A) Could I reference your good takes with appropriate harvard referencing and links back to your blog?

B) Are there any specific moments from the books that you think should be covered the most?

C) The end result will be a visual essay, so it's like those fun infographics people on Tumblr make on like ADHD and stuff, so when it's done, would you like to be tagged to read it?

(Sorry for anon, I'm nervous lmao, but if you'd be more comfortable I'll resend this off anon)

AAY good topic! You've got a lot to work with. Absolutely feel free to reference anything I've written, and tag me when you're done.

While you're here and about to write something so legitimate, I'm also going to recommend you check out Sunnyfall's video on gender in Warrior Cats. She breaks down the arcs into numbers, directly comparing the amount of lines mollies have to toms, and examining the archetypes women are usually allowed to be.

I think it's a must-have citation in a paper about WC misogyny.

...and, I think it's insightful to look at the WCRP Forum thread about the video. Note how the respondents immediately come into the thread to complain about how the video is too long so they didn't watch it, dismissing Sunnyfall as not being entertaining enough to hold their attention, even whining that she starts with statistics to prove her point, which I'm convinced she did exactly because they would have cried that she "had no evidence" if she didn't.

I am not a scholar, so I don't know how to document or prove that the books have an impact on the audience outside of anecdotes. But I think if you do write a section about fandom, it would be worth mentioning the in-universe and metatextual apologia for Ashfur and its reflection in the real world discourse, the authorial killing of Ferncloud because of fan complains, and the utter defensiveness against the discussion of misogyny you see outside of Tumblr.

You may also want to check out Cheek by Jowl, a collection of 8 essays about sexism in xenofiction by Ursula K. Le Guin. There's a very unique manifestation of authorial bias in animal fiction, having a lot to do with how the author views "the natural world," and it's worth understanding even though Warrior Cats are so heavily anthropomorphized.

So... Warrior Cats Misogyny

I think discussing individual instances can be helpful, but I'd implore you to keep in mind what's REALLY bad about WC's misogyny is framing and the bigger picture.

Bumble's death is shocking and insulting, but it's not just that she died. It's that the POV Gray Wing sees her as a fat, useless bitch who took his mate so she deserves to be dragged back to a domestic abuser, and he's right because the writers love him so much. It's that Bumble's torture and killing only factors into how it's going to hurt a man's reputation.

It's how Clear Sky hitting, emotionally manipulating, or killing the following women,

Bright Stream (pressured into leaving her home and family)

Storm (controlled her movements and yelled at her in public)

Misty (killed for land, children stolen)

Bumble (beaten unconscious, blamed nonsensically on a fox)

Alder (child abuse, hit when she refused to attack her brother)

Falling Feather (scratched on the face, subjected to public abuse and humiliation)

Tall Shadow (thrown into murderous crowd, attacked on-sight in heaven)

Rainswept Flower ("blacked out" in anger and murdered in cold blood)

Moth Flight (scratched on the face for saying denying medical treatment is mean, taken hostage in retaliation against mother for the death of his own child, which he caused)

Willow Tail (eyes gouged out for "stirring up trouble")

Is seen as totally understandable, forgivable, or not even questioned at all, when killing Gray Wing in an act of rage would have been "one step too far" with the ridiculous Star Line.

"Kill me and live with the memory, and then let the stars know it would only matter if a single one of your murder victims was a man."

It's the way that fathers who physically abuse their kids out of their ego (Clear Sky, Sandgorse, Crowfeather) aren't treated anywhere near the same level of narrative disgust and revulsion the series has for "bad moms", even if they're displaying symptoms of a post-partum mood disorder (depression, anxiety, and rage), an umbrella of mental illnesses 20% of all new mothers experience but are heavily stigmatized with (Sparkpelt, Palebird, Lizardstripe).

It's Crookedstar's Promise giving him two evil maternal figures in a single book, while bending over backwards to make every man in a position of power still look likeable in spite of the fact they're enabling Rainflower's abuse. Leader Hailstar is soso sorry that he has to change Stormkit's name for some reason, in spite of leaders being unaccountable dictators the other 99% of the time, and Deputy Shellheart functionally does nothing to stop his own son from being abused or even do much parenting before or after the fact.

It's the way men's parental struggles are seen sympathetically, and they don't have to "pay for it" like their female counterparts (Crookedstar's PPD vs Sparkpelt's PPD, how Daisy and Cinders are held responsible for Smoky and Whisper being deadbeats, Yellowfang's endless guilt for killing her son vs Onestar's purpose in life to kill his own), even to the point where a father doesn't have to have raised their kids at all to have a magical innate emotional connection to them (Tree's father Root, Tom the Wifebeater, Tigerstar and Hawkfrost).

It's less speaking lines and agency for female characters, being reduced to accessories in the lives of their mates and babies, women getting less diversity in their personalities, with even major ex-POV characters eventually becoming "sweet mom" tropes.

You could zoom in on any one of these examples and have an amoeba try to argue with you that "Oh THIS makes sense because X" or "Ah well my headcanon perfectly explains this thing" or "MY mother/girlfriend was abusive/toxic/neglectful and I've decided that you are personally attacking ME by having issues with how a character was written or utilized," but the beleaguered point,

That I keep trying to hammer in, over and over, across books worth of posts,

Is that these are trends. More than just a couple one-off examples. It's the fabric that has been woven over years, showing a lack of interest in, or even active prejudice of, women on behalf of the writers.

LONG STANDING trends, which have only gotten worse as the series progressed. From Yellowfang being harshly punished with a born evil son who ruins her life in TPB and the mistreatment of Squirrelpaw that begins in TNP, all the way up to the 7 Fridgenings of DOTC and Sparkpelt's PPD being a major character motivator for her son Nightheart.

So, I would stress that in your paper, and structure it less as "the Sparkpelt slide" and "the Yellowfang slide," and more as "The paternal vs maternal abuse" slide, and "the violence against women" slide. They're really big issues, there's tons of examples for each individual thing.

Anyway to leave off on a funny, look at this scene in Darkest Hour that I find unreasonably hilarious,

"Everyone who matters to me; my truest friend, my sensible and loyal warrior, the wisest deputy I've ever known, and 2 women." -Firestar, glorious idiot

He can't even think of a single trait for either of them what the hell does "formidable pair" mean lmaooo, when I finished a reread about a year ago this line killed me on impact.

[mikajunie]

how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)

please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.

i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.

overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.

but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.

shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.

but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.

(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)

reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.

as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.

self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.

beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.

reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it

these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.

you don't need to feel bad to ge better.

in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.

literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.

and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!

reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.

this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.

"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself

now try acknowledging your failures:

cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it

do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore

let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.

identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:

failure: failing out of class

what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time

consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends

why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."

now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.

after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:

"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.

"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.

"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.

when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.

the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.

because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.

now please focus on what you can do now:

Make small goals for the future.

What you should not say:

"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.

"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.

"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.

What you should say instead:

"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!

"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.

"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.

Apologize and forgive yourself

Say sorry to yourself.

It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.

Move on

Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.

Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.

You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.

You are allowed to feel good about yourself.

In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.

Pat yourself in the back.

Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.

Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.

Allow yourself to breathe.

We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.

[sleepy-jeans]

My Favourite Dead Boy Detecives Fanfics on Ao3 :)

to the pain (10456 words) by shadowquill17 Chapters: 2/3 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland Characters: Charles Rowland (DCU), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Crystal Palace (DCU), Niko Sasaki, Original Male Character(s), Original Female Character(s) Additional Tags: Hurt Charles Rowland, POV Charles Rowland, Blood and Injury, Blood Loss, Graphic Description, listen I got grabbed by the throat by this idea and I have no idea how I even made it here, Love Confessions, Charles is so in love with Edwin and that’s his priority even when he’s literally bleeding out, Temporary Character Death, YES I PROMISE IT’S TEMPORARY, Torture, Violent Thoughts, Angst with a Happy Ending Series: Part 5 of what the rest means (DBD fics) Summary: There is an orb full of souls and a wizard pissed off at them for breaking in, and then there is pain. Or, the one where Charles has the most important epiphany of his life at the worst possible time.

Starting off strong. This one made me cry, like a lot. It's not finished yet but I don't care girl, the first chapter is incredible. Like okay, Edwin is crying and I'm crying, what now?

Carry These Torches For You (1965 words) by that_trans_autistic_guy Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Charles Rowland, Edwin Payne & Charles Rowland & Crystal Palace & Niko Sasaki, Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland Characters: Edwin Payne, Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace - Character, Niko Sasaki, Jenny Green Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhaustion, Autistic Edwin Payne, ADHD Charles Rowland, Cuddling & Snuggling, Families of Choice, Family Fluff, it is mostly just kinda cute shit, yall sent me a request via tumblr and well here we are, The Adventures of Orbwin and Chorb Series: Part 82 of Traumatized Dead Boys Summary: Charles would really appreciate a fucking break. Seriously, they all needed a day off. For weeks straight they’d been running around and frantically completing cases. None of them had really been resting well, but Edwin was completely toast. He’d barely sat down for more than a minute and pretty soon his form was going to force him to rest whether he liked it or not.

By that_trans_autistic_guy so you know its good. Really sweet and short. loved it <3 (Love Chorb with all my heart)

The case of the warlock (5559 words) by TheRamblingsOfaMadWoman Chapters: 3/3 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace & Charles Rowland (DCU), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Charles Rowland, Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Crystal Palace Characters: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Charles Rowland (DCU), Crystal Palace (DCU) Additional Tags: Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Charles hurts Edwin, Angst Summary: The gang come across a warlock. Charles is quite taken with him. Edwin is distrustful. Whose instinct is right? **Charles hurts Edwin

So well written oh my God. love the beginning, middle, and end. The emotional and physical trauma? *chef's kiss*

Burns and Hidden Pains (30299 words) by Infinite_beginnings Chapters: 8/8 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace & Charles Rowland (DCU), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Crystal Palace & Charles Rowland, Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Crystal Palace, Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace/Charles Rowland (DCU) Characters: Charles Rowland (DCU), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Crystal Palace (DCU), Jenny Green (Dead Boy Detectives) Additional Tags: not really very shippy but can be read as a pre-ship for the boys if you want!, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, charles rowland whump, Whump, Protective Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Protective Crystal Palace, Hidden Injury, charles places all of his personal value on protecting his loved ones, and i just need him to be taken care of for a bit, questionable ghost science, listen i don't know the rules of this universe I'm just making it up as I go, Charles past abuse is alluded to, because that influences who he is as a character but its not mentioned in any detail ×, And characters still think Niko is dead and are dealing with the grief of that Summary: This takes place after the season ends. Both boys are a bit roughed up physically and emotionally from their trip to hell and Esther's treatment. They try to take care of each other but Charles is more hurt than anyone realizes.

Girl, my heart was pumping and everything like I was scared. Nice and whumpy, just how I like it. The definition of hurt/comfort.

Hold This (26196 words) by RoseGanymede95 Chapters: 5/5 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne & Charles Rowland, Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland Characters: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Charles Rowland (DCU) Additional Tags: Graphic violence in this one, gratuitous limb-severing, Escape The Evil Wizard Dungeon, Charles Rowland Loves Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, so much it's frankly a liability, Brief Torture, surprisingly unrelated to the limb-severing thing, Mr. Potato Head Ghost Anatomy, Completely Unhinged Levels of Codependency, Charles Rowland Is Not A Role Model, Blood and Injury, the boys can't bleed but the bad guy can, Charles Rowland gets his Home Alone on, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Body Horror, should have tagged Body Horror way earlier, antagonists displaying some casual racism, discussions of racist bullying, Stitches, I need you to understand I really mean that Body Horror tag take care of yourselves Series: Part 2 of Who? You mean your teammate in the Codependency World Cup? Summary: “Alright, listen,” Charles said, after trying not to think at all for at least five minutes. “Hear me out.” “Any ideas?” Edwin asked, not looking up from his page. “It’s just. What would actually happen if you cut my hand off?” Edwin jerked his head up so fast, Charles wondered that he didn’t brain himself against the stone wall. He looked more offended than he had when he found out about the live snake in Charles’ bag. “What the hell kind of a question is that?” He hissed. “I’m not saying we should do it!” Charles backpedaled. “I’m just curious! These cuffs make us proper solid, don’t they? We could probably lop it off and get me out.” “No,” said Edwin emphatically. “We are not discussing this. I don’t want you getting any ideas and chewing your own arm off like a trapped weasel.” “Not my whole arm, just my hand.”

This one is my favourite (sorry). Like it is written like a published novel. The writing was phenomenal. The story was incredible. It was hilarious. It was cleaver. It was cute. And it was heartbreaking! I can't believe I can read this shit for free. 10/10 gold star.

[discount-shades]

Contract Spouse Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Letter

A/N: Not so much this chapter but this fic is going to get dark at times, it's not going to be as fluffy like Sleepy Baby.

Pairing: Jake Seresin/Reader (nicknamed Pip)

Warning:  Angst,  

Length: 2000ish

Summary: Jake tells the Dagger Squad about Pip.

Previous     Masterlist     Next

You roll your shoulders and send off the final few texts and emails of the day, checking the time you sign off at 5:00PM. Being a virtual assistant had its perks. You got to wear yoga pants all day and there was no commute, but the biggest perk was the fact you were able to work two jobs. 

One was a fairly involved executive assistant position at a growing company that took up most of your time. The other was as a glorified Google Calendar, keeping your extremely ADHD boss from missing deadlines, meetings, and anything else important. 

The downside was a large L-shaped desk with three monitors set up in your bedroom. You had a business degree but when the opportunity evolved out of your part time administrative assistant job, you had taken it. When you had found yourself with a couple hours of down time during your work day you had subtly asked around and had gotten a second job managing your other bosses emails and calendar.

You walked into the kitchen you would be sharing with Sami until the end of the month. After over five years of it being the two of you she had finally decided to move in with her boyfriend of two years. You were happy for her but unsure of your own future. Should you renew your lease? Find a smaller, cheaper, single bedroom place? Get a roommate? You didn’t know what you wanted to do and time was running out.

That was a lie, you know what you wanted to do but it was impossible. You wanted to move in with your husband, drop everything and move across the country to be with him. But it’s not that kind of marriage, you tell yourself for what feels like the millionth time. It has never been.

Jake had been your teenage crush. Your best friend's handsome big brother, nothing would ever come of it. But when you needed him, he had married you, he had even called you almost daily to keep up the pretense that your marriage was real. 

With every phone call you had fallen further and further in love with your husband. He was sweet, funny, caring, and supportive. You’ve never told anyone of your feelings but sometimes you think Sami suspects it. 

You knew Jake went on dates and hooked up with women. You have tried going on dates, and one night stands, but could never get over the guilt. The feeling that you were cheating on Jake. 

You again consider divorcing him. It would be easier. You could date and start a real relationship. You knew how this train of thought would end. You would have yourself convinced you were going to call it quits and then Jake would call and say ‘hello’ in a tone of voice that told you he was smiling and you would be sucked right back in.

He would sign the divorce papers the minute you asked but you kept torturing your heart. You knew you couldn’t keep waiting forever, knew that eventually you would have to move on but you couldn’t. Not yet, anyway.

– – –

You hear keys in the lock and the door open and glance at the time, it’s 12:30 AM, “You're past curfew.” You can hear Sami chuckle as she walks in and drops two envelopes on your head. 

“I get your mail for you and all I get is sass.” She flops down on the couch beside you. “Are you watching Downton Abbey again?” she groans as you just shrug. 

“I want your final month here to be exactly the same as the past five years of us living together.” You grin at her rolling eyes. “You going out and having fun, and me staying in, watching a period drama.” 

“Goodnight, Dork.” You can hear the fondness in her voice as she gets up and heads to bed. You look at the envelopes, one is a reminder to renew your car insurance, the other has the NCIS emblem. Frowning you open it and your jaw drops as you read the letter inside. It has come to our attention… marriage under contract… opening an investigation…. 

“Shit.”

You scramble and grab your phone, quickly calling Jake, when he doesn't answer you try him again. You are taken aback by a woman's voice answering and feel a twinge of jealousy and guilt. You had always told yourself that you would never negatively impact Jake's life while married to him and you hope you didn’t ruin something by calling him like this.

After rambling at the woman on the phone you hang up and stare at your reflection on the black screen. You are so lost in thought that you jump when Jake's face pops up with an incoming call.

“Pip? What's wrong? Are you hurt?” His sounds worried and, despite this, you immediately relax at the sound of his voice. 

“I’m ok, I’m sorry!” You are talking in a rush. “I didn't mean to ruin your date.” 

“I’m not on a date.” You sag in relief at his response. Happy you didn’t ruin his date or happy he is not on a date, you’re not sure.

“I got a letter,” You stare at the paper in your hand. “Jake, someone reported our marriage.”

“Shit.”

“That's what I said.” You reread bits of the letter to him, giving Jake a moment to process. “It says they are going to be interviewing people who know us,” you pause, ”Jake, I haven't told anyone about us.” Running your hand through your hair, you bite your lip in nerves. “I don’t have a lot of friends or share personal details.”

“I’ll tell the squad.” You can hear it in his voice when he shifts into protector mode. “Rooster owes me his life so he’ll lie for us.” His voice is tense when he says that, bitter in the way he always gets when he talks about the things he never speaks of. “And don't forget the fake marriage plans. No one can say we don’t have a relationship.”

“Yeah,” you agree. “I’ll scan the letter and email it to you.” 

“Thanks, I’m going to head home. I’ll call you when I get there.” You agree and go to hang up but Jake stops you. “It’s going to be alright, you planned for this.” You agree softly. “I love you, Pip. We got this.”

“I love you too,” your reply is quiet and automatic as you hang up the phone, rising to go scan the letter. Jake always said he loved you. It had started as a cover when the two of you were together at a military event, that as his wife, you couldn’t avoid. He had urged you to do the same jokingly.

“I love you, Pip.” His cheeky grin melted and hardened your heart.  “Now tell me you love me too, and make sure I believe it.” 

 After years of saying it you were sure he meant it, in his own way, Just not in the same way you meant it every time the words crossed your lips.

– – – 

Jake rubs his head as he stares at his teammates, he had been up late last night talking to Pip. He had asked them to meet him in the parking lot after training where they could not be overheard. “I need to tell you guys something that if anyone asks you’ve always known.”  

The faces around him show a variety of emotions. Coyote is resigned, but then again, he already knows. Rooster and Fanboy look giddy with excitement, like little kids about to be told a secret. Phoenix’s eyes are narrowed in suspicion. Only Payback and Bob have mastered a look of polite interest. 

“Pip, the woman on the phone, she’s my wife.” 

Jake registers the feeling of his head jerking to the side a millisecond before the pain of the slap hits him and causes his left cheek to bloom red. “Jesus Christ Phoenix!” Jake raises his hand to his cheek, shock on his face. “What the fuck was that?”

Phoenix is subtly flexing her hand to shake out the pain from the slap. “You go home with a different woman every night you can!” Rage is clouding her eyes. “You’re telling me you have been cheating on some poor woman all this time?” Rooster moves forward and places himself between Jake and Phoenix.

“Ow! No!” Jake’s cheek feels hot. “It’s a fucking marriage of convenience!” He runs his tongue on the inside of his cheek, searching for the telltale metallic taste of blood, but it's not there. “She was sick and needed health care so I married her when I was still in flight school.”

“Is she better?” Trust Bob to do the decent thing and be concerned with the health of a stranger.

“You know, Phoenix, you should listen to your Wizzo more.” Jake says, gingerly feeling the warmth of his cheek. “Ask questions first, instead of slapping.”

“You’ve had it coming on some level,” Phoenix says without remorse before repeating Bob's question. “Is she better Hangman?”

“She's fine, it's been over five years.” 

“Why’d you stay married?” Payback asks. He’s the only other married member of the squad.

Jake shrugs, “the money, and the spousal benefits helped her.” He knows that's not the truth. At least not the whole truth but he doesn’t want to get into the hollow little feeling in his chest every time he thinks about ending the charade. 

“How’d you meet?” Roster asks. 

“She’s my baby sister's best friend.” Jake waits for Rooster to do the math. Rooster and Sami had crossed paths before and Jake had warned Rooster to stay away from his younger sister.

“Jesus, Hangman, was she a child bride?” 

“No!” Jake rubs his face in defeat. “She was eighteen, and it's not that type of marriage, it's just a piece of paper.”

“So why are you telling us this now?” Phoenix crosses her arms and looks at Jake expectantly. 

“Pip got a letter.” Jake sighs. “Someone reported our marriage as fake and now we are being investigated.”

“Shit,” Fanboy muses, “do they have a case?” Jake looks at him in exasperation. Fanboy was brilliant at his job, but some days Jake suspected all other available mental real estate was taken up with nerd trivia leaving no space for common sense.

“Yes Fanboy, they do have a case.” Jake rolls his eyes before continuing. “We talk on the phone and have a joint bank account but we’ve never lived together, most of it can be explained away through health, deployments, and her university.”

“So what do you need us to do?” Payback asks.

“Just pretend you have always known I was married.” Jake looks around at everyone nodding. “Pip hasn’t told anyone so you will have to prove that it wasn’t a secret. Coyote was a witness so he has legal proof of knowing.”

“Don’t worry man.” Rooster claps him on the shoulder. “We've got your back.”

“Thank you.” Jake says sincerely. “I’m diving to Austin at the end of the month. Pip’s lease with my sister is up and she’s going to move in with me to make it look real.”

Coyote nods. “That makes sense, this is the first long term posting you’ve had since she finished University.”

“Sooo, yeah,” Jake spreads his arms out helplessly. “In conclusion, I’ve been married to Pip for six years and you have always known. Any questions?”

“Why do you call her Pip?” Fanboy asks, “What's her real name?”

Jake tells them your name. “She always looked so short next to my sister so I called her Pipsqueak. Pip for short.”

After a few more questions everyone walks to their cars and leaves. Phoenix hangs back until it is just her and Jake. “You did the right thing marrying her.” She motions to the red that has not faded from his cheek. “I feel a little bad that I hit you so hard.”

“You could have not hit me at all.”

“Don’t push your luck Hangman.” She walks to her car before turning around. “Rooster’s right though, we’ve got your back.”

[fluffshisuga]

Exams (Xavier x Reader)

Hello again! Finals are here at my university and let me tell you, it sucks. But this is perfect, because a request came in!

Requested by @ilovexavierthrope : Could you pls write one about Xavier x reader and the reader has ADHD maybe if your okay with that and the reader is studying for finals like crazy bc its their first year at nevermore? (Maybe mention that reader has autism). I tried my best, I feel like I had the ADHD part down, especially since I have it, but I’m currently not professionally on the spectrum so I hope I didn’t do too bad! Also, for anyone taking exams, I believe in you! You got this! This is 4225 words omg also it's 234am i love you guys 💙

Warnings: Mentions that reader is fem, some angst, panic over exams. I never really said that the reader is autistic or had adhd but it's heavily implied mainly by my own adhd habits, i had YouTube playing while i wrote this and i was also listening to music.

      Like any other school, Nevermore had exams for their classes as well. Of course, they were different from normal exams, which meant that the students had to study harder than the average teen. Although most students were already used to the hard studying, newcomers were prone to having a far more difficult time trying to fit studying into their already busy schedules. Especially you, who had only just started your first year at Nevermore. Classes were already pretty difficult for an ever-racing mind, but trying to cram a bunch of information in to a brain that can’t even remember what it had for breakfast? Torture.

      Your routine was based off the clock, classes from 9am to near 5pm, giving you barely enough time to eat during the day, which resulted in you just completely forgetting that you needed food. Once that was over, you would beeline to the library to collect any books you could that had information on the classes you were taking. You had no idea what you were doing, never having a set study habit, and just trying whatever came to mind, you had flashcards and paper filled with copied notes, some colour coded in hopes that it would make it easier to remember. You even had a whole playlist that you listened to while studying, yet, for whatever reason, the words wouldn’t stick. You’d have to read over what you had already read multiple times, only to space out halfway through and come back confused. You’d constantly look up from your books and check the time, frowning when you noticed it had only been 5 minutes since you last checked, although it felt like it had been way longer. You would constantly change the song as well, deeming certain ones to be unhelpful in your studies even if you added them to the playlist specifically for that reason.

      You only really had contact with friends in class, who would ask you if you were free later that day to hang out. Enid especially asked you almost every day, frowning each time you told her you needed to study for the exams coming up. Wednesday even started to show concern, pointing out the dark circles forming under your eyes, and the growl of your stomach at the mention of lunch. “I think you should take a break, really.” Enid said, taking the book out of your hand and closing it. You desperately tried to write down what page you were on, but it had already left your mind. “Enid! Now I must read the whole thing again to find out what page I was on.” You scowled. Enid only shook her head and gathered your things up as the class was dismissed. “You’re coming to lunch with us, whether you like it or not! I can even quiz you while we eat if that would make you feel better?” You could only sigh as you left your seat, trudging after Enid and Wednesday.

      You sat down at a table, looking down at the food you had grabbed with heavy eyes. A slam next to you nearly made you jump out of your skin. “Pop quiz!” Enid exclaimed, holding one of your books in her hand. “Let’s see…ah! Who was the last God to enter Olympus?” You stared blankly at Enid, not comprehending what she had even said yet. You tried to think, racking your brain as you did, but nothing came up. There was only one name that came up when you thought of the question. “Alexius?” Was all you could come up with, and you knew it was the wrong answer as soon as you said it, watching Enid’s smile droop slightly at the answer. “Uh, no not quite. It says here that it was Dionysus. I’m not sure if I’m saying that right but yeah, not Alexius.” Enid stated, placing the book down in front of you and pointing out the answer. You facepalmed as the answer came into your head just seconds before she said the name, becoming mildly discouraged already.

      “Dionysus was the last God, but only because Homer didn’t admit him in.” A voice spoke behind you, and you felt the seat next to you shift as someone sat down beside you. Looking over, you lock eyes with Xavier, whom you shared the class with. He smiled as he continued, “Although that was a good guess, but his name is pronounced Alcaeus, it’s not really spelled the same way. That was the original name of Heracles, also not pronounced the same way as the Disney movie. It means Strength, and many leaders in Greece were named Alcaeus for that reason.” You dropped your head in defeat and embarrassment, feeling inferior to Xavier’s random knowledge on the Greek Gods. “That wasn’t even part of the class though, where did you get that name from?” He asked, placing his hand on his cheek as he looked at you. “I’m going to be honest,” you started, “no idea. I thought that if I read the whole book, I’d be ready for the exam, but I don’t even remember reading about Alcaeus.” A moment of silence fell onto the table, only to be interrupted by a gasp from you. “That’s right! That name was in a game I played! It was all about Greek Mythology. Alcaeus was the brother that we thought was dead. That’s where I got the name from.” The sudden memory made you excited, but your cheeks flushed red as you realized that your outburst was all because of a game, and that your answer to Enid’s question was all based off said game. “Anyway, clearly I need to study more, so I should be going.” You started, taking a large bite of food, and gathering your items once again. “Y/n! At least finish eating?” Enid yelled, watching as you trotted away, a book opened in your hands.

      Later that day, you sat under a tree, a different book in hand and pencil in the other, hurriedly writing anything that you felt was important for your French class. You had a list of words that would be considered feminine in French, placing certain words into the column and others in the other. “So, If I wanted to preserve something…it would be…sanctuariser. Do I even need to know that?” You spoke to yourself, looking back to the little piece of paper with a list of things the teacher said to study. “Absolutely not.” You groaned as you dropped your arms, playing with the grass and taking a few breaths. “Need any help?” A voice spoke, spooking you and causing you to hit your head on the trunk of the tree. Xavier hovered over you, a concerned look on his face as he watched you rub the back of your head. “Xavier, you scared the living daylights out of me!” You breathed, checking your hand to see if you were bleeding. “Sorry,” he chuckled, taking a seat next to you. He looked over your shoulder and read what you had written down, taking your pencil, and correcting minor mistakes like accents over e’s and the like. “I can help you, if you want?” He asked, watching as you looked down at the grass. You didn’t want to ask for help. Asking for help was like admitting defeat, and defeat would make people disappointed in you. Your mind raced at the idea that people would see you as a failure, and you desperately grabbed the grass to keep yourself grounded. “Uh, not now. Thank you, Xavier, though.” You said, taking the pencil back and writing more terms in French. Xavier kept his seat next to you, watching as you tried to study a new way, a way that you were taught when you were small. It was mainly a way to make sure you remembered how to spell words but writing the French words three times seemed like it would help you to remember them. It worked, slightly.

      As the time passed, the sun began to set. The breeze, although it was welcomed, was also distracting, and getting colder. You shivered as you flipped through the pages of yet another book, drifting your eyes over to Xavier every now and then to see if he was still there. He had been looking over your shoulder the whole time, asking if he could help every now and then. Sometimes he would help whether you liked it or not and would write little notes on the side of certain words in hopes that it would help you remember them better. Eventually he stood up and extended his hand out to you. “Come on, lets go inside before it gets too cold.” He offered. You stared at his hand for a moment, gathering up your things and taking it. “I still haven’t found the answer to a lot of the review questions, though, so once I get inside, I need to go to the library and find a book that has the answers.” You started, walking beside Xavier towards the giant doors. “I’m sure you can find the answers tomorrow, the exams aren’t until next week.” Xavier said, opening the door for you. You sighed as the warm air hit you, closing your eyes and giving you a brief wave of fatigue. You opened your eyes, looking up at Xavier, “I know that, but I just need to make sure I know the material.” Xavier could only scoff and shake his head as you checked your phone. “I have to go; I need to get those books!” You shouted, sending a final wave to Xavier as you sped away.

      The next day was a Saturday. There were no classes, giving students extra time to catch up on both sleep and their studies. This also meant that you were up at sunrise, quickly making your way to the library. Your mind raced as you thought of what you needed to study next, while also trying to remember what you had studied the previous day. This early in the morning, there weren’t many people in the library, giving you first pick at what you needed for studying. With your arms full, you tucked yourself into a corner and set up your study space.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Xavier woke up around 10am, a time he deemed normal for the weekend. He turned in his bed and glanced at the empty bed on the other side of the room, once occupied by Rowan. He would always comment on Xavier’s sleeping habits and tell him about getting enough sleep, claiming that it would help him remember more from his classes. He groaned at the thought of Rowan not being there, and slowly got up. He took a quick shower and made his way down to grab something to eat. He took a seat next to a tired Enid and emotionless Wednesday, Enid picking at her food as she looked around the room. “Xavier, you’re later than normal.” Wednesday pointed out, glancing over at him. Xavier could only shrug and take a bite of his food, watching as Enid’s head whipped around every few moments. He raised an eyebrow, “what are you looking for, Enid?” He questioned, fork midway to his mouth. Enid’s nails shot out and quickly retracted, and she took a final glance around before she set her eyes on Xavier. “Y/n, they aren’t here yet.” She said, tapping her fingers as she took another bite. “She’s normally here by now,” she mumbled, placing a hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t spit any food out. Xavier looked around, scanning the room quickly before shrugging. “Maybe she’s sleeping in? She’s been studying a lot; she’s got to be exhausted.” He explained, taking a final bite of his food. Enid shook her head and frowned. “She never misses our breakfast routine, you know that.” Xavier raised his hands, nodding his head. “I understand. Listen, I’ll keep an eye out for her, how about that? If I see her, I’ll let you know and tell her you’re worried.” Enid’s face relaxed a bit and her shoulders dropped slightly, nodding.

      With that, Xavier went about his Saturday routine. Archery practice, a trip to the library, lunch. The whole time, he kept his eyes open for you. He didn’t see you in the library, which only told him that you were probably still sleeping. Once 3pm came around and you didn’t show up for lunch, he went out in search of you. He looked by the tree he had found you the previous day, a pencil in your spot. Xavier figured that you left it by accident and picked it up, planning to hand it back to you next time he saw you. He ran into Ajax and asked him if he had seen you, “last I saw Y/n, they were in the library, in the normal corner. They were there when I showed up, but that was a bit ago.” Ajax recounted, and he walked back with Xavier to the library to show him where you had been sitting, only to find the corner empty save for a book. Xavier sighed as he picked it up, placing it in his bag along with the growing list of items he needed to return to you. You weren’t at dinner either, and now Enid wasn’t the only one worried about your whereabouts. Xavier even went to your dorm, knocking on the door and talking with your roommate. “Honestly? Haven’t seen them for a bit. They weren’t in bed when I got up this morning. Come to think of it, they weren’t in bed when I went to sleep either.” They said, shrugging. Xavier sighed and ran a hand through his hair, stress building up as the time went by. He had no idea where you would be hiding.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      You were on the ground, laptop in front of you and books scattered around you. Your phone played your studying playlist as you waved your hand along the ground in search of the pen you had just put down. Your laptop had multiple tabs open, YouTube in one, a few word documents, an “official page of Greek Mythology” opened in yet another tab. So many things happening at once, yet you couldn’t focus on any of them. Normally, having multiple stimuli helped you get assignments done, but for something so nerve wracking and important as exams, nothing seemed to do the trick. You felt yourself breakdown slowly as you stared at the blank page, unable for the life of you to come up with the answer to “Who visited Danae, and fathered her son?” Your mind told you that it was simple, the answer on the tip of your tongue, yet nothing. You start to shake your head, muttering curses to yourself for not remembering something so simple as a name. You switched through songs on your phone, hoping that a song would pop up that would spark the answer. You didn’t hear the snapping outside the room, or the rumbling of the statue revealing a staircase. You were too preoccupied, trying desperately to hold your tears back so you wouldn’t smudge the ink on your paper.

      Xavier walked down the stairs, stopping mid step to find you in the center of the room, rocking and holding back sniffles as you shuffled through paper. He called out your name, hoping to catch your attention, but he quickly realized that you had your earbuds in, unable to hear a single word he could utter. He stepped carefully, making his way slowly towards you so you didn’t get spooked. He watched as the tears welled up even more in your eyes as you slowly looked up, realizing that you were no longer alone. Realizing that you were in a vulnerable state, Xavier sat next to you, wrapping an arm around your shaking figure, and rubbing your back, letting you collect your thoughts. You shuddered as you tried to hold back your tears, but Xavier’s calming voice seemed to finally break the dam. “I know you’re stressed. You can tell me about it when you’re ready.”

      Tears spilled from your eyes and ran down your cheeks. You struggled to get anything out that weren’t incoherent sobs, a stutter of words falling from your lips as you struggled to explain. “I just? You know? It’s my first year here,” another sob, “and I don’t want to seem like a failure. I want them to know that I can handle it! I can! But my mind is just racing? Everything is distracting me, but if I don’t have anything to distract me, I get super anxious and cant focus. But I hate it so much.” You breathed heavily as you tried to find a way to explain your thoughts. “I just…I don’t want to be a disappointment. I want to get good marks on these exams, so no one looks down on me, and yet I just can’t understand what I’m looking at. But the idea of asking for help feels so demeaning! It feels like I’m admitting to failure, and if I do that, then I’m a lost cause.” You continued to sob as you turned to bury your face into Xavier’s chest, the harsh reality becoming real as you spoke, causing you to break down even more. Xavier remained quiet as he kept rubbing your back, humming a soft tune to calm you down. He allowed you to get all your emotions out and calm down on your own, only whispering every now and then soft words of comfort until you had cried enough. You slacked in his embrace, taking deep breaths as your tears began to dry.

      Xavier brought your face up so he could meet your eyes. He took note at how red they were, how puffy your skin had become, and how dark the circles under your eyes had become. He sighed as he studied your face, trying to find the right words to say. “You’re not a failure, I can see that. And you’re not a failure for accepting help when you need it. Exams are stressful, trust me, but you don’t have to deal with he stress of them alone, you know. You have me, and Enid, and Wednesday would probably help you if you asked.” He wiped tears away as he continued, “No one will think you’re a failure. They wont see you as a disappointment either. No one is perfect, hell, I failed an exam my first year all because I was too stressed to even understand what it was I was learning. Am I a disappointment?” You shook your head in response, a small smile on your lips. “No, maybe a bit of a dork, but not a disappointment.” You responded. Xavier smiled and rested his forehead against yours. “Exactly. Everyone fails at least once. I think it builds character. But you’re not going to fail. Not if I can help it.” He pressed a kiss to you temple as he grabbed one of your books, “Now, Danae was visited by a God and was then pregnant. Remember that her son is the one that’s supposed to take down the king, her father. Which God seems like the kind of person to knock a girl up knowing that the prophecy states a war to follow?” You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking hard. “A God that would do something like that? It sounds like a Zeus thing?” You questioned, brows furrowed. Xavier smiled and nodded, pointing out an excerpt from the book. So Danae endured, the beautiful, to change the glad daylight for brass-bound walls, and in that chamber secret as the grave She lived a prisoner. Yet to her came Zeus in the golden rain. This was the story of Perseus.

      Xavier stayed by your side as you studied together, helping each other to remember the content. As the night dragged on, your eyes became heavy, and you yawned. “I think it’s time to wrap it up for tonight, don’t you think?” Xavier asked as he closed the book he was reading from. You nodded slowly, stretching your arms, and sighing as your back popped and cracked as you moved the stiff muscles. “Can we do this again tomorrow, then?” You asked, gathering your items up. Xavier smiled and nodded, “Of course, but only after you get some rest and something to eat tomorrow.” You chuckled and made your way up the stairs, walking with Xavier back up to your dorm. The next morning, you woke around 10:30, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. You looked over at your phone, finding a text from Xavier that read, “Once you wake up, let me know, I’ll meet you for breakfast.” You smiled as you sat up in bed, stretching your tired muscles and letting out a yawn. You grabbed something to wear and picked up your bag full of study material, shooting a text to Xavier and making your way to the dining hall.

      He met you there and walked with you to grab your food, sitting down at your normal table and eating silently for a few moments. Enid and Wednesday followed shortly after, Enid hurrying to your side and expressing her worries for your well-being, and scolding Xavier for not telling her that you were ok. You chuckled at her and thanked her for worrying about you, continuing to take bites of your food as the two girls went off to get their own food. “So, I was thinking,” Xavier started, holding his fork in the air, and pointing it towards you. “That’s never good,” you quickly said, stifling a giggle. Xavier frowned, continuing, “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway, exams begin in three days, so why don’t we study together until they’re over? We meet in the secret room, I bring snacks and water, we ace those exams?” You sat there, chewing on your food as you thought about his offer. He was a great help when it came to studying, and your little session last night helped you to understand a bit of what you were doing. “Sounds like a plan.” You said, taking another bite of your breakfast.

      The days following were filled study sessions with Xavier, and once one exam was done you studied for the next exam. Feeling confident, you walked into each class ready to take the exam, meeting Xavier afterwards to tell him about it and how you felt afterwards. You’d then get dinner, study for the next exam, and just hang out between studying to give your minds a break. It felt as if the exams went by with a snap, and before you knew it, they were over. You had two days until the grades would come out, and although you were happy for it to finally be over, a part of you was sad that you wouldn’t be meeting Xavier each night to study anymore. It felt as if a cloud hung over your head as you went to bed that night, only growing heavier as your thoughts raced once again. In the morning, you woke up to a text from Xavier, asking you when you wanted to go get breakfast. You smiled as you got up and ready, the cloud above your head slowly shrinking as you went to meet Xavier for breakfast. Afterwards, you walked together into Jericho, finding a coffee shop to refuel your energy that had left your body from the week. “Do you think you passed?” You asked Xavier as you took a sip of your drink, its contents brought you joy and comfort. Xavier took a sip of his own drink, a smile gracing his lips. “Of course, I had the best study partner in all of Nevermore to help me.” You felt your cheeks warm at his comment, drifting your eyes down to you drink in embarrassment. “Yeah… Maybe I did well too, then.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      When grades came out, you nearly cried. You had passed every single exam, and it was all thanks to Xavier. You had looked everywhere to find him, finding him in his dorm working on a sketch in his sketchbook. When he opened the door, you ran in and wrapped your arms tightly around his torso, a giant smile greeting him. “Xavier! We did it! I passed all the exams!” You shouted happily, jumping in excitement. Xavier hugged you back, planting a kiss to your hair as he reveled in your excitement. Your smile was contagious and seeing you happy made him happy. “That’s amazing!” He exclaimed, his smile widening as he looked at you. “We need to celebrate.” And with that, the two of you went out to a small restaurant, enjoying each other’s company as you talked about anything you could think of. After, you went to get something sweet to eat as you made your way back to the school, making your way to Xavier’s dorm. “Let’s watch a movie!” You said, pulling out your phone and connecting it to the little projector you had left in his room one time. You spent the whole night watching movies, cuddled up together. Eventually, you fell asleep in Xavier’s arms, and he gave you a final kiss on your temple before whispering goodnight, falling asleep himself.

Hi me again. Your comments mean so much to me💙 i woke up to my phone constantly buzzing with feedback on Festive Outings, it made me really happy you have no idea. Again, if you have exams soon, you got this!! 💙💙

[whalyrae]

THE OLD GUARD CHAPTER 2

"We don’t get a say on how it ends, we never have. But we can control how we live."

Summary : You are a powerful witch, cursed and hurt through ages. Owner of your esoteric shop, you were resigned to live this lonely life when the powerful magic of soulmates and fate came to you.

Pairing : poly BTS x reader (she/her)

Genre : soulmate au, demons bts au, witch y/n au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 4.3k

Warnings : eventual smut, angst, mention of depression, death, suicide, past trauma, violence, blood, past (sexual) abuse, past torture, PTSD, scars, self harm, and more.

Tag list :  @blackrockshooter780 @babyymeme @starrlo0ver @suckerforv @mushroom-main @m1sss1mp @prettydancingdamzel

A/N : IT'S HERE !! The big one.... Took so much time to write this part... Unlike Dance With me, the chapters here are longer, and will therefore take longer to be published. I like to take my time writing… plus with my adhd it's hard sometimes to stay focused especially since I have my finals coming up soon and I have to study… AND I have a lot of mental breakdowns where I want to delete everything because I have no confidence in myself and my writing skills LOL

Ah, thank you so so much for all the loves you give with this story with all the likes and the shares and the comments ! Love y'all ♥

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad

Chapter 1 // Chapter 3

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ 

When Namjoon returned home, saying he was ecstatic was a euphemism. He’d finally found her. Their last soul mate. After all these years. He met her by accident in a shop that his friend had recommended to him. What was the probability? Shit, he should thank Bangchan properly. He will be eternally grateful to him. 

But her reactions when they met worried him. Something happened to her. Something that frightened her at the thought of bonding with her soulmates. They needed to know everything about her. Her past, her wounds, her fears, so that Namjoon and his other soulmates could help her. He wanted nothing more than for them all to be together, as they always wanted, as they always talked about.

They all had so many exciting projects to do. But they always waited, they didn't want to do anything until they were all together.

The time has come. Finally. 

But to do all of that, he needed to tell them about her.

He slammed the door so hard that he woke up the black cat and Hoseok who were both sleeping peacefully on the sofa. 

“Sorry hyungs,” he apologized before taking off his jacket, “I have something really, really important to tell you and…-”

Namjoon, what’s that smell? 

Yoongi’s voice echoed in Namjoon’s and Hoseok’s head. Namjoon wasn’t surprised he already noticed it. In his cat form, his hyung’s senses were sharper. Hoseok frowned and came near his boyfriend to smell him. Slowly, he lifted his eyes to meet his partners. Her sweet vanilla scent was still barely on him, but enough for demons like his boyfriends to notice it. 

“Joonie, you’re finally back! Oh, something happened, Hobi? You should see your face! ” 

Jungkook appeared behind Hoseok, giving him a back hug while his head rested on his shoulder. The others joined them quickly. Everyone was there for Namjoon’s relief. On the way back to their home, he was afraid that the maknaes had decided to go out on the town as they used to do.

But unlike Hoseok and Yoongi, they didn’t seem to notice her smell on him. 

Fuck, he didn’t even know how to tell them. Why was he so nervous? They all waited for that day. 

But he couldn’t forget how she acted towards him. When their eyes finally met each other, how was her reaction during their handshake. The way she read the part of the book, the tears she had held back. 

She didn’t reject him though, he was sure of that. 

“Is everything okay? Oh… you smell really good, is that a new perfume ?” 

He shook his head at Jin's question. Namjoon noticed the oldest’s face changed quickly. Jin was confused in some way Namjoon didn’t understand. He, too, must have wondered where that sweet smell Namjoon had on him came from. 

He looked at each of his boyfriends and took a deep breath before finally saying the words that would change their lives forever.  

“I met our last soulmate.”

The room remained quiet for long seconds. He noticed that Yoongi had returned to his human form, and had the same look as his boyfriends.

Suddenly, they all started asking Namjoon questions. Who’s this person? What’s their name? Was the vanilla smell theirs? Was Namjoon sure they were their last soulmate? If so, why didn't he bring them here? 

The only one who stayed calm was Jin. He was standing behind Namjoon, staring at him in a somewhat strange kind of way that Yoongi had noticed. But he said nothing. He probably had to absorb the information too. 

“Okay, okay, can y’all please stop talking at the same time ?” Namjoon finally asked. 

“But hyung, I want to meet them !” Jimin whined.

“Me too, it’s not fair you’re the only one who’s got the chance to talk to them !” Taehyung added with a pout.

“Tell us where you met them, please! At their work? Or maybe in a library? You like to visit libraries after all! ” Jungkook asked beside him, clinging to his arm. His big brown eyes shone with impatience and excitement. 

Namjoon pinched his nose and sighed. These were exactly the reactions he had expected. Especially from the three youngest. Well, he couldn’t blame them for that. If he were them, he’d react the same way. 

Jin, Hoseok, and Yoongi were calmer, but he knew they were burning with impatience and even envy towards him for meeting her first, and especially for being the only one to know her, for now. He couldn't be upset with them for being so impatient, he'd probably have reacted the same way if he'd been in their situation... 

“Okay guys,” Jin finally spoke, in a strangely calm voice, and wrapped his arms around Taehyung and Jimin’s waist, “Maybe we can let Joon explain to us… right? I’ll make some coffee and tea for everyone. ” 

He separated from his two boyfriends and disappeared into the kitchen before receiving any response. On the one hand, because he didn't need to wait for answers, he already knew what each of them would drink. But also because the second the smell of vanilla had reached him, a sudden headache had taken over him. 

Now alone, he had leaned against the work surface and closed his eyes. His face suddenly tensed. 

Flashbacks invaded his mind. 

He couldn’t recognize or remember the place, the situation, or the person he was with. They were faceless. He couldn’t tell which one of his soulmates he was with. Or was it none of them? But if so, who was it? 

What were these memories? He didn’t even remember living any of them. Were these memories even his own?

“Jin, are you okay? ”

He jump-started when he heard the voice of Yoongi behind him. The second oldest had noticed the suddenly strange attitude of his elder. 

“Yeah, just a headache, nothing serious, don’t worry.” 

Jin smiled to reassure him, but Yoongi wasn’t naive. He came closer to him and put his hand on his forehead. 

“I’m a demon, Yoongs,” he added in a more serious tone and gently grabbed his hand, “I can’t be sick like humans.”

“Then why do you have a headache? Hm? You never had any before now. It oddly coincides with Joon’s arrival and this… sweet and delicious vanilla scent he had on him.” 

He caught a whiff of that wonderful smell on Namjoon, even though it was already very faint. He also hadn’t understood that these sudden flashbacks probably had something to do with that aroma. 

Of course not, he couldn't make that connection. He had never smelled that scent before. 

Or so he thought. 

Jin frowned a little and shook his head, walking away from Yoongi to prepare the drinks. 

“I’m fine Yoongi, I promise.”

Yoongi did not believe him, his senses told him not to. Jin and him were the first two to meet. They were together for several years before their paths crossed with Namjoon and Hoseok. The three younger ones were the last to arrive, decades ago. 

He knew his elder very well. He knew something was up, something probably related to their last soulmate, which they had all been looking for and waiting for all these years. 

Jin said nothing when he saw Yoongi join him to help. But Yoongi couldn’t deny that he, too, felt rather strange at the thought of Namjoon meeting their soulmate. A mixed feeling of excitement, and impatience but also stress and apprehension when he saw Namjoon's serious and worried face. He thought to himself that the same was probably true for Jin and that he was perhaps worrying a little too much. 

Yoongi also thought he should check things out on his own, one way or another. 

Several minutes later, the two boys were back in the living room. Everyone was settled in front of Namjoon and impatient while he was still standing, and nervous as he fidgeted with his fingers, which everyone quickly noticed. 

“Okay,” Namjoon took a deep breath, and ran his hand through his hair, “please, let me finish before asking any questions, because we’ll need to find something to help her.”

°°°

After her breakdown in her apartment, Handong and Gahyeon took her to theirs, not really far away from her home. where the other girls were waiting for her with blankets and food. But she didn't eat anything. The pain and sadness were so big and intense that her stomach was in knots. The thought of eating any kind of food made her feel nauseous. Her head hurts from crying so much.

She was silent at first, but finally, she started to speak and told them everything. Her meeting with Namjoon, how sweet and kind he was towards her, what she felt, the connection that people experienced with the person or people were meant to be with.

A soulmate connection.

All the girls were seated around her. They listened carefully. Bora and Gahyeon were at her sides while the others were in front of her, two on the small coffee table, the three others sitting on the floor.

After that, Siyeon asked her in a soft and calm voice why she reacted like that. Siyeon and the others thought she would be happy to finally meet her soulmate, especially since she also told them that Namjoon and her were linked to six other people, people that Namjoon already knew, making her the last person missing from the bond.

And there’s the moment when she felt tears appear again. The truth was that Namjoon wasn’t the first one she met. Gahyeon remembered her whispering a name when she broke down in her arms. A man named Jin. Who was he? Someone she loved, and who wasn’t her soulmate?

“No, absolutely not,” she answered to Gahyeon when she asked her, “Jin is… one of my soulmates too…”

She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to cry again. She was tired of crying.

She felt Bora’s head leaning on her shoulder and hugging her tightly.

“Can you tell us what happened, unnie ?” she asked in a calm and sweet voice.

Her heart ached for all the memories she had buried inside her to suddenly return. Bright memories, where Jin and she were together, happy and eager to meet their other soul mates. But also, when they had been forced to be separated, when he lost his memory when they had not been strong enough to protect each other. When she was imprisoned by those humans, accused of being a witch, and sentenced to death. How she survived, marking the beginning of her immortality, and escaped to them, and all those hurting centuries she passed alone.

She let out a sigh and finally nodded. She trusted them, they never judged her, and they were always gentle, and understanding. Gahyeon and Handong did not hesitate to come to her house after her message at almost midnight because she needed them. They were the kind of people you only met once in your life. They were true friends.

More than that, she saw them as little sisters.

She could open up to them, she could trust them, about her past, what happened with Jin, how she lost him, and most importantly, why she spent most of her life alone, surviving instead of living.

°°°

“ No! That’s not fair! It wasn’t your fault! ” Gahyeon shouted suddenly.

She stood up, angry and nearly crying, Minji joined her and gave her a comforting hug. She had just finished her story. It has been so long since she talked about it...

Bringing up all her memories was painful, but at the same time, it felt quite good to finally be able to share her pain and sorrow with them. Yoohyeon took Gahyeon's place, taking her hand in hers.

“ She’s right y/n, Why do you blame yourself? You and Jin... you were just victims! ”

“Is there anything you can do to restore his memory ?” Siyeon asked.

“Memory magic is… complex but also very powerful.” she started to explain, playing nervously with her fingers, “Brain and memory have always been a very mysterious subject, and even after all these centuries of studying it… medicine and neuroscience, for human or not, have never managed to unlock all its secrets. He's a demon, like most of you, but your brain is relatively the same as a human's… ”

She shook her head.

“Besides that, we got separated, and after I escaped from those humans, he was gone. I looked for him. I traveled the world, in vain. I never knew where he was. Was he back in the demon realm? I never knew, I tried to summon him, to invoke him, again and again, in vain. He never came to me, and I never knew why... ”

Demons could live freely in the human world if they wanted to. Otherwise, most of them lived in another world, outside time and space, parallel to where they lived now. A world where only demons could enter and leave at their will.

She sighed. She felt tears welling up again, which made her let out a swear.

“We were young and stupid, we didn’t want to waste our time with those stories of invocations and everything…”

“But now, you know where he is, you can see him again !” Yubin suddenly exclaimed, “I’m sure he hasn't forgotten you! Well, maybe for now, but the moment he sees you, all the memories will come back! He's your soul mate y/n, damn it! ”

She looked up at her and sighed again before standing up. She walked to the window and looked through it. The moon was almost full in three days.

“I’m…,” she began, her voice shaking, and she took a deep breath, “I’m scared to face him again, to face all of them. And what if he never remembers me? What if they don’t want me because of that ?”

She bites her lips. Damn it, her heart was beating faster, and not in a good way.

“And what if… she’s still alive? What if she’s still after him and she finds out that I'm still alive, and that I've found him? She could still go after him, or even our other soulmates, and even though I'm more powerful than before, she has become more powerful too… but on the other hand…,” she turned to her friends, and despite the smile on her lips, tears were running down her cheeks, “I want to see him, I want to meet them…”

Those words she just said out loud, she hasn't controlled them. They came out of her lips without her controlling it,

When she met Namjoon, a few hours earlier, her reactions towards him were more about surprise and shock at finding another soul mate. Especially since she had immediately sensed that Jin was there too.

All those memories, all those traumas, and all the things she experienced and had buried inside her were suddenly brought up, causing a surge of panic and anxiety.

But now that she had been able to confide in her friends, to talk about it, to hear their advice and support, she was able to put her thoughts in order.

Okay, learning from one day to the next that she had met not only her soul mate but also the other six, one of whom was her first love lost dramatically was something quite... sudden and abrupt.

After Jin, she never had a love affair and never fell in love again. Of course not, how could she?

Now, the idea of seeing him again, of meeting these six other people who were related to her, too, but who had also taken care of him for… she didn't even know how long...

She didn’t even want to hear the word “soulmate” or anything related to love and bonding. Because she would have felt like she was betraying Jin. She couldn't even imagine being happy with a soulmate or soulmates without him.

“You deserve it,” Minji suddenly said, pulling her out of her reverie, and gently placed her hand on her shoulder, a gentle smile on her lips, “you deserve it more than anyone else. You spent your whole life helping anyone who asks for help, sacrificing your life more than once - literally - for the helping and saving. You deserve to be happy, with those who are destined for you. And I'm sure they too have been waiting for you and are looking forward to meeting you, and to being reunited with Jin.”

She winked at her and wiped her cheeks wet with tears.

“And about this demon bitch,” Yubin continued, making a fireball appear in her hand with a fake smile, “She can come and try if she wants!”

“Yeah! We’re waiting for her! ” Gahyeon added.

Her lips stretched into a slight smile. Things were different than they had been centuries ago.

She was older, more mature, more powerful.

After all these years, decades, and centuries spent alone, hope was finally awakening in her. Hope for a better future, where loneliness would no longer exist.

“Oh girls, wait a minute !” Gahyeon suddenly shouted, “How will she meet them? Namjoon has left his shop and they have not exchanged any contacts!”

“Oh, you know for that, I’m not worried.” Handong replied with a smirk, “He knows where she works. I can bet anything you want that at least one of them will visit her very, very soon.”

°°°

Handong was right, but she didn't know it yet, or at least she didn't believe it.

She wouldn't think that Namjoon would talk about her as soon as he returned home to his... no, to their soulmates.

But he did.

He even specifically asked his partners not to rush to see her. They had to come up with a plan to approach her, enter her life, and bring her into theirs, being attentive to her inner wounds.

He thought he had convinced them. Or so he thought.

The day after she met Namjoon, at dawn, she left her friends' apartment and returned to hers. It had been a short night and she talked a lot. After she confessed, Minji and Yoohyeon convinced her to eat. She then fell asleep against Gahyeon, lulled by their conversations about random things, she didn't even remember them.

She was exhausted. But she had a business to run. There was also the possibility of creatures needing her help. The full moon was coming up in a few days, and she knew that at this time of year, werewolves often accidentally hurt themselves.

She also needed to focus her mind on something else, only for a few hours.

And anyway, she had no information. She didn't know where Jin, Namjoon, and her other soulmates lived, whom she didn't even know yet. 

And then, let's imagine she found herself facing Jin., what would she do? He wouldn't even recognize her. He would see her crying and not even understand why.

She might be his soul mate, but to him, she was yet a stranger.

Maybe it was better if she didn't see them again. Maybe Namjoon would never talk about her after their catastrophic first meeting yesterday, and go on with his life as if nothing had ever happened. Maybe that was the only way.

She sighed and left her apartment after taking a quick shower and changing her clothes. She walked down the stairs to her bookstore and turned the sign to announce that it was officially open.

She had done what she did every day: arranged and dusted the books on the shelves, correctly tidied and cleaned the various crystals, watered her plants, collected the petals and fruit from some of them, dried them for later, and made them into ingredients for future potions or spells and finally, swept the bookshop.

Her day was like any other, except maybe she was more clumsy than usual. She would have liked to blame it on tiredness, but she knew very well that it wasn't because of that.

A dark spot outside caught her eye. In front of one of the windows, sitting and staring into her bookstore, a cat.

Oh, it wasn't just any cat. It was much bigger than the cats she was used to seeing. It was also more graceful and probably the most beautiful black cat she had ever seen in her life.

She was completely mesmerized by this cat, so much so that she put her ballet down against her counter and approached the door she had opened.

She was used to this kind of situation. Stray cats often came to visit her. She got into the habit of feeding them, giving them water, and even healing them if they arrived injured, which, fortunately, was much rarer.

"Hey kitty," she murmured in a soft voice, a little smile on her face, “are you hungry? or thirsty? come in, I'll take care of you.”

She didn't dare approach the cat, she didn't know if he was afraid and would run away if she tried to touch him, or even be aggressive. She didn't want him to go away either, strangely though. She didn't want to be alone.

So she walked away from him, leaving the door open behind her, and went into the back room to get a bowl and a bottle of water.

When she came back, the cat was not only in the bookstore, but he was sitting on the counter. He was seated with his back straight, his dark eyes staring at her intensely.

She didn't know why, but she suddenly felt intimidated by this cat.

She approached him, and put down the bowl to fill it with water. She then walked away to put the ballet away.

And then the truth hit her.

He couldn't be a real cat. Well, yes, of course, it was a cat. But she felt something coming out of him, something magical and mystical.

Something supernatural. Like a shape-shifter.

She turned her head towards him, silently observing the animal that lapped up the water with an almost disconcerting slowness and tranquility.

She took a long breath and the cat raised his head, hearing her, and ran his tongue over his lips, his eyes resting on her.

That deep, dark look. No, even if she was exhausted, it couldn't be the look of a simple cat. Her witch senses were tingling, she couldn't ignore them. She had crossed paths with many shape-shifters in her life, she knew the signs. 

“I know you’re not an ordinary cat,” she finally said to him with a soft, non-accusatory voice, sitting in her chair in front of him, “I’m a witch, a very, very old witch to be honest, you’re not the first metamorph I met,” she adds with a small laugh. 

The cat’s ears bent slightly at the sound of her voice, he blinked slowly, without taking his eyes off her. 

“Are you stuck in your animal form?” She asks, resting her chin on the palm of her hand, “I can help you.”

It took only a few seconds before the cat came a little closer to her. 

Namjoon was right, our new soul mate is a person with a big heart and breathtaking beauty. 

A deep, raspy, and seductive voice echoed in her head. She frowned, slightly confused, as she looked around. Eventually, she realized where the voice was coming from. 

Wait. He said Namjoon's name, didn't he? It can't be... 

Did you genuinely think he wouldn't tell us about you and your first meeting? Come on, sweetheart, we've been waiting for you for so long. 

She took one step back, and another. Honestly, yes, she thought he wouldn't talk about her. 

She couldn't deny that his last words warmed her heart. So, had they been looking for her, too? 

He also asked us to wait…

He continued, turning his back on her to jump off the counter.

I mean, before coming to meet you. But I am his elder after all, why should I obey him? I love Namjoon with all my soul, but he asks too much from us when it’s about you, our precious and pretty soul mate. 

She heard him chuckle and looked down at him. She breathed deeply. She breathed in, and out, slowly. She was trying to calm the rhythm of her heart which was fast, too fast. 

Ah, maybe it's talking to a cat that disturbs you and makes you speechless? You knew from the beginning that I was a shapeshifter, didn't you? 

She shook her head slightly to recover her senses. 

“Not really, I thought you were a real cat at first” she admits, “and no, it’s not the first time I’m talking to a metamorph and... even if I did, it wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've done in my life. But, can you…” 

Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.

It wasn't talking to a cat that troubled her the most. She was curious. Curious to see what he looked like. What her soul mate looked like.

In the blink of an eye, it was not a black cat that was facing her anymore, but a man. A very handsome man. His beauty was just as breathtaking as Namjoon's but in a different way. Black hair, pale skin, thin facial features, yeah, he was beautiful. Moreover, he was stunning.

Shit, if they were all as handsome as Jin, Namjoon and this guy, she was in trouble.

His gaze was the same as in his cat form. Piercing, quite dark, but now she could read something else in it. Tenderness.

Seeing her reaction, a smirk appeared at the corner of his lips. He ran a hand through his hair and took a step towards her. 

"Thanks for the water, by the way, I was very thirsty." he bowed his head with a slight smile and a soft voice that made her shiver, "I'm Min Yoongi, it's very nice to finally meet you, Y/n."

[changingplumbob]

New Goth: Chapter 4, Part 2

Saturday is date night!

Back home Alexander works out his frustrations on a punching bag. Dina always manages to rile him up. He’s also discovered he has ADHD, Cassandra’s diagnosis had him look into it. James may fit in a workout but he does get very tired afterwards. What can turn that frown upside down? A cat! He goes in search of someone fluffy, Hamlet is playing on the cat tree upstairs.

James: Hey boy, can I have a couch snuggle

Hamlet: *meows* Of course dad

James: You look good in that cape. We must get you a special look for Harvestfest, we want to impress the guests

Hamlet: *purrs* We will if I’m there

Settling down with the oldest journal Milton begins to read.

Dear diary, how exciting is that to write! I got 10 out of 10 on my spelling tests all month so daddy bought me the journal I wanted. I’m excited to start keeping proper track of things. Yes I’m 8 but never to early to organise. Michael makes fun of me but I know he’d never peek. Sometimes I think I have the best older brother in the world…

Milton: I know the feeling mummy

Alexander: Can you follow the star Gertrude

Gertrude: *meows* Oh it is so dead

Alexander: Where’d it go? Where’d it go

Gertrude: *meows* I got it! Wait… get back here star!

Alexander: I think I’ve tortured you enough for one day *turns off laser pointer*

Gertrude: *meows* It… vanished???

Alexander: Here, how about a brush. You do look impressive in the armour but we must keep your coat looking as lovely as you

Hamlet: *meows* I am more impressive

Gertrude: *purrs* dream on son

Milton: Alexander?

Alexander: We’re in here

Milton: I wanted to say thanks to you and Uncle James for the new room

James: You’re very welcome

Milton: I know you have your date but when you get back could we maybe… just for tonight… have a sleepover in my room

Alexander: That sounds fun but I don’t know if James’ back will-

James: I would love a sleepover Milton

Milton’s face lights up at this news.

Milton: I’ll see you later then. Come home safe... promise?

Alexander: We will Milton, I promise

We head to Chez Llama where our normal greeter is on duty.

Caleb: Name?

Alexander: There should be a reservation under Goth

Caleb: Under Goth? Are you sure

Alexander: Yes I made the reservation myself

Caleb flicks his eyes over Alexander’s suit, his aged companion and the space where a celebrity shine isn’t.

Caleb: Yes... well we are very busy tonight

Alexander: No one is in the restaurant yet

Caleb: We have many distinguished patrons, we must keep room for them

Alexander: My father was a five star celebrity

Caleb: Yes, he was

Alexander: My parents spent a fortune here

James: Are you sure we’re not on there? Sorry love, looks like we’ll have to take our service elsewhere *sighs*

Alexander: Look- Caleb? I know I made the reservation. We are long time patrons who wish to spend money here. If you have a problem with that perhaps I should ask to speak to your boss

Caleb: *stiffens* That won’t be necessary- sir, here it is

James: Just like magic

Caleb: If you’ll follow me

The two are escorted to a small table just inside the restaurant.

James: What was that man’s problem

Alexander: I guess he didn’t think we were famous enough

James: Well make sure to leave a big tip so he knows we don’t have hard feelings

Alexander: We don’t have to

James: Maybe we don’t have to but we should. If anything maybe it will make him less judging of future guests that don’t have celebrity status

Diaz: Hello there, what can I get you tonight sirs?

Alexander: Nectar. White I think

James murmurs in agreement and the waiter’s pen begins to mark down the order.

James: You order first love

Alexander: Could I please have the… hmm, the tiger shrimp broth sounds good

Diaz: very good sir

James: Can I have a space taco please

Diaz: Of course sir

The waiter speeds off and Alexander looks at James chuckling.

Alexander: Swanky restaurant and my husband orders a taco

James: Space taco. Maybe it’ll make me fly

Alexander: *laughs* Just don’t go getting abducted, they’ll impregnate a handsome man like you for sure

James: I have been thinking pregnancy thoughts lately

Alexander: *chuckles* Of course. We’ll have a science baby with my hair and your eyes and-

James: Actually…

Alexander: You don’t want a science baby with me?

James: I’d love one, don’t misunderstand me. Raising a mini you would be great but we have to be realistic

Alexander: What do you mean

James: Love, I’m not getting any younger

Alexander: Ridiculous! You’re plenty young

James: You’re sweet but we both know I’m not. Humans here seem to live to about 80

Alexander: Joey would say it’s the watchers fault

James: Yes, he probably would. But Alexander, I want a kid who’s going to remember me

Alexander: But… You’re only 74, you’ve got time left

James: Maybe but not enough time for an infant to get to know me properly. Not enough time for me to be able to pass on my life lessons. Not enough time… for me to know them

Alexander: So what are you saying sweets

James: I’d like to adopt a child or even a teen…

James: What do you think

Alexander: It’s just… something we haven’t discussed before

James: I know, and I’m bringing it up now

Alexander: I mean… I’m not against adoption. Not at all. But… a teen?

James: I know how to handle teens from all my years teaching

Alexander: Yes but *quietly* who says I’ll know what to do

James: You’re wonderful with Milton. You're going to make a great dad

Alexander: Yeah but Milton is my brother. How am I meant to be a dad to someone only a decade younger than me?

James: You won’t be doing it alone, I’m going to be here as long as I can

Alexander: You really want a kid that remembers you huh

James: I do. And I want to leave you with someone that can look out for you to

Alexander: What will I do when you’re gone

James: Pretty sure parenting has a pretty steep learning curve. By the time… well you will know more than nothing

Alexander: What if they don’t respect me

James: I’ll teach them to, we’ll teach them to

Alexander: *sighs* I suppose it can’t hurt to look in to it

James: I’ll win you over eventually

Alexander: *winks* You always do

Previous ... Next

[the-wip-project]

SloMo WriNo: Finding the Perfect Time to Write

Imagine your perfect writing setting. It’s peaceful and perfect, and the words flow easily.

But reality intrudes. Those perfect moments are hard to find, and, when you find them it can be too much pressure, so the words won’t come. Other times, when the inspiration is strong, and words are ready to pour out of you, you have no time or space to write. 

It seems impossible to find both the time and inspiration to write at the same time! 

That’s because it is.

To have a consistent long term writing practice, you cannot rely on perfect moments or bursts of inspiration.

I’m going to discuss inspiration in a later post, for now let’s focus on finding the time to write, in less than perfect times and places.

For me, I used to write whenever I could, just squeezing writing time whenever. And I was pretty inconsistent in how much I wrote, and didn’t get much finished.

When I decided I wanted to write a novel I knew I needed to get more organized.

I happen to be something of a morning person, and wake up about half an hour before I actually need to get up. I was in the habit of using that time to lie in bed reading, checking messages, scrolling socials etc. It seemed like a no-brainer to optimize that morning time to write.

However, when I tried, I found that I couldn’t stick with it for more than a couple of days at a time. I was frequently breaking my concentration, and easily distracted. And it felt like a grind. Eventually I realized that I simply did not want to write immediately after waking up. (and my ADHD brain will sabotage any attempt to force myself.) See, even though I’m a morning person, it doesn’t mean that I’m ready to do heavy mental lifting when I first awake. Time for quiet, more passive activities are an important part of me transitioning from sleep to full wakefulness.

But wait! Here I am at 6:30 am writing this! Happily! On a Sunday no less! Because I figured out a work around. Another look at my schedule showed me that I had another block of seemingly unused time. The later evenings after my kids are in bed. I’d dismissed that time period because I’m generally too brain tired to do anything productive. The solution was to use that time for sleeping (boring I know) enabling me to wake earlier, keep my gradual wake up routine, and still have time to write.

Strangely enough, knowing that I’m going to write in the morning is incentivising for me, and I find that I simply don’t want to stay up as late anymore. Because I have a fun reason (yes, writing is fun!) to go to sleep.

Now this little story might be helpful for you if you’d like to write first thing in the morning. If the idea feels like torture, then perhaps not.

But the idea is, assess your daily time, and cut something that isn’t refreshing or valuable. And possibly jiggle your schedule around so that you can open up a block of writing time at a time that is good for you.

For me that was the mindless doom scrolling or binge watching that I tend to indulge in after 10pm.

Some times that might work for you (besides the obvious first thing in the morning or last thing before bed): Commute time, Arriving at work or school or other daily appointments early, lunch or other break times in your day, time while you’re waiting. Remember, you’re not looking for massive blocks of time. Fifteen minutes will do. Thirty minutes would be amazing.

So examine your schedule and see where you can block out a regular time to write.

Once you’ve found a few options, try them out. Do you feel good, or harried? Tired or refreshed? If it doesn’t feel right, is there another task you can swap into the time slot to open up a different spot in your schedule? 

Which leads us to the question: does this mean I need to write every single day?

Absolutely not. Take rest days when you need them. Either a scheduled day or two each week, or just a floating flex day taken when needed.

Focus on establishing a habit of writing for at least fifteen minutes 5-6 days a week. (And don’t worry about word counts too much while you’re figuring this out.)

Once you create a habit, the words will come!

— Maree

SloMo Wrino Introduction

Setting Word Count Goals

the WIP Project discord

[cinnamonest]

Hello all. Sorry for my radio silence until now, here's a half-vent-post, half-update-post for the mess I have going on.

So, my second doctor's appointment... I am very grateful to have a wonderful employer who let me take some time off, so since I've been not great, I've gone to stay with my parents for the week.

I am experiencing what I was told is something called "polydipsia," which I can only describe as something I would come up with if I were asked to devise a new method of psychological torture. It's the sensation of intense, constant thirst, but drinking water doesn't do anything. Like, you know how normally when you're super thirsty and drink water, you feel a sensation of relief when you drink water? That doesn't happen. When you swallow and put the glass down, the thirst is just as intense as it was before you drank, it just... does nothing. You just stay insanely, incredibly thirsty, nonstop, and there is nothing you can do, no amount of drinking makes the sensation go away, but you keep getting the urge to drink because that's what your brain compels you to do.

It was mild at first, now it's reached a point that I'm chugging bottles of water, just nonstop, can barely sleep due to thirst. I know it could be so much worse and a lot of people have much worse things and this is minor by comparison, and I'm very grateful this isn't painful, but it's driving me insane. Just the constant sensation that you're trying to fix but nothing alleviates it at all despite trying is frustrating in a way I cannot describe and it's slowly worn me down to the point of psychological exhaustion.

Apparently, this may be due to some kidney issue. If so that means basically all that water I'm drinking, is actually not being absorbed by my body, my kidneys do nothing, so basically it's as if I'm not drinking at all. So, effects of dehydration as well.

At first with the urgent care doctor I went to initially, I was told that I am not diabetic due to blood sugar normal levels and that I had a kidney problem I needed to see a specialist for. Then I finally got an appointment with the primary care doctor, who said that may be incorrect because diabetes would easily explain the polydipsia. However, the last blood sample they took for lab work they did a few days ago came back and it turns out, once again, I am in fact NOT diabetic.

They drew even more blood and did a series of extensive fluids tests, basically measuring the contents by electrolyte, so I would get updates of lab results sent to me reading like "potassium - normal" and "chloride - normal" etc etc as they test each component. Everything kept coming back as being at normal levels until it hit sodium, and then for some reason, sodium and only sodium got flagged as being imbalanced.

I may have "diabetes insipidus", I'll just have to wait for testing results.

Unfortunately, with comically impeccable timing, I needed wisdom teeth taken out as it's apparently already begun to undo my previous expensive orthodontic work, so I just got out of wisdom tooth surgery yesterday. However, since I have ADHD meds (which are amphetamines) flowing through my body, they put me under general anesthesia rather than laughing gas.

So it's done, my mouth is stuffed with gauze, I'm numb with opioids for the gaping holes in my gums, I feel like a pincushion with the number of needles that have been stuffed in me in the last 72 hours, but it's done and hopefully I won't need anything more.

[aintgonnatakethis]

9 people you want to know better tag game

Thank you @bagheerita for the tag! ❤️️ Template is at the bottom below the cut.

Three ships: Young/Telford/Rush from SGU. I won't, but I could include other combinations of them and totally cheat this question - these three are the characters that just click with you, that will stick with you for your entire life.

John/Scorpius from Farscape. Me as a wide-eyed 7 year old watching a torturer clad in a leather suit come on screen: 😮😮😮

Sheppard/Todd from SGA. It's not always monsterfucking with them, but when it is... Oh boy! 👀

First ship: Third Doctor/Delgado Master from classic Doctor Who. My mum was involved in the convention scene back then so I grew up surrounded by it and we had a massive wall of every story that had been released on DVD. I hope they all made the move with us. I remember being a young kid and her bringing down a boxset with the faces of the first 7 Doctors; I'd point to one of them and she'd pick us an episode of theirs for us to watch. (Simpler times but not really)

Last song: Currently listening to Hell As Well by We Three, a band I found through @frostysfrenzy. My best songs playlist has 140 songs if you want to know my music taste without being overwhelmed.

Last movie: The Road. I saw a meme that had been made for it on here and remembered it being an excellent book, so gave it a shot. It was better in book form unfortunately. I remember it was the first time I'd seen the sentence structure of 'this happened and this happened and this happened' outside of "bad" or "childish" writing. How it was used to successfully show someone's declining mental and physical state has stuck with me.

Currently watching: Rewatching Being Human (US version) and Firefly. Trying not to let unpleasant people being involved (Mark Pellegrino and Joss Whedon respectively) ruin things I've long-term loved. So I'll engage as long as I'm not providing them financial/social/political influence to harm others. Yes, I am looking at people who still pay for Harry Potter merch.

Currently reading: Here, have a google drive full of SG1 and SGA books. I can't remember which blog linked it originally, but I'm on book 6 of the SGA Legacy series, which is basically the plot of season 6 if they'd been renewed. (Though I do side-eye some things in there, like Sheppard instantly getting together with Teyla and there being a hint to Keller being abusive in her relationship with Rodney. I don't think they would have done the former on TV as even though Teyla isn't military she's still under Sheppard's command so it would reflect poorly on the real life US military - which is the only reason O'Neill and Carter didn't get together properly, if I'm remembering right? The latter... I've seen too much of Keller bashing in fandom. I don't need it in my "official" content too.)

Currently eating: I just finished some garlic and chilly chicken drumsticks and rice. I've been eating good since my boyfriend got into cooking. 😁

Currently craving: Hmm... I think I'm good. Full of food and an extra of my ADHD meds because I'm running on night-mode currently, meaning I'd be going to bed around 6-7am except I need a doctor's appointment so I'm gonna have to stay up and tough it out. Took it at 11pm so should have worn off enough for me to sleep after my appointment. (While the able-to-focus effect only last 8 hours, the you-will-stay-awake part persists for 12. 🙄)

Tagging: @frostysfrenzy @autism-purgatory @froggy-pposto @paeliae-occasionally @the-golden-comet

@dream-i-die @gioiaalbanoart @wyked-ao3 @worlds-tallest-fairy @chaniis-atlantis

Template:

Three ships: 

First ship:

Last song: 

Last movie: 

Currently watching: 

Currently reading: 

Currently eating: 

Currently craving:

[uzumakichcined]

i wrote this on discord but i want to restate it

you are not responsible for other people's actions

characters dont have to be "good people" all the time

its okay for characters to not be the best of people at times and to explore the good and negative aspects of them

With Sasuke's whole thing about hurting Karin's feelings, that is the kind of angst i enjoy, it is not just torture porn or angst for the sake of hurting people it's a NATURAL and REALISTIC conflict that happens between adults.

Karin is an emotional person, shes going to be upset when someone she thought liked her believes that she was called ugly and especially that she had dead eyes and effectively to her looks dead. Karin has a lot of insecurity when it comes to her physical appearance so her sourness and dislike of that Sasuke now is completely fair (internally) but her taking it out on him isn't exactly nice either

Sasuke is justifiably confused as well because well, sorry he's pretty bad at reading the room. This conflict with Karin and well everyone also pointing it out is helping him be challenged as a character and his views. it, in a way, makes him reassess what he had done, or maybe even double down! because people aren't perfect and its okay to have characters be like this

these situations to me make the characters feel real, it makes me feel like I'm actually setting up arcs, lessons that need to be learned, picking at the big pieces of underlying things id like to explore through small, realistic conflicts that happen between people in non world-ending ways.

These situations make me feel like im not just RPing, but I'm writing a story, and my character gets to go through conflicting emotions. people she liked, she now is hurt by, she has to grapple with her past, she has to grow and change because her perceptions on things are changing and she is being influenced by her own and other's actions.

what people shouldnt do is use these things for hatred or spreading horrible ideas (you know who you are) being hateful and harmful is NEVER okay, as situations like these need to be discussed between the muns of the blog. a lot of conversations go on behind the scenes anons don't get to see, and i for one am an advocate to make sure things are all peachy with RPs and outcomes as its happening or plotting it out when it spirals too out of control.

so long as the muns are okay with shit, that's all that should matter. but never, ever, use this to send legitimate hate to real people or marginalized groups.

I'm not going to let anons who want to use this to spout slurs or other things to degrade others ruin my fun time and build my story. If yo are the anon who sent that horrible ask to the person in question, leave. unfollow me. i don't appreciate people using slurs against people with mental illness or otherwise are neurodivergent. as someone who has ADHD and Autism this has been used against me and i don't enjoy it on the dash, i don't enjoy it in anons, and i don't want it used in the slightest to degrade those people like myself anywhere near me.

[skayafair]

DBD & VnC

When I watched the Dead Boy Detectives with its main 4 characters and their dynamics, I KNEW it reminded me of something. Thanks to Tumblr dashboard, I remembered!

Vanitas no Carte!

Same gender and sexuality fuckery, supernatural mysteries (ghosts vs. vampires tho), ambiguous complex relationship and nuanced psychology. Please don't watch the anime tho, it's bad, read the manga it's absolutely worth it.

I'LL ELABORATE (character parallels under the read more)

Edwin Payne & "Vanitas" Blue colour scheme

Ok let's be honest they would probably hate each other's guts but they really do have similarities.

The OG detective, the brains Vanitas calls himself a doctor but he solves mysteries first so shush

Gets bitches (unfortunately, like @ mapleleafsunset correctly noticed)

Went through severe physical torture and has Trauma (tm)

Magic user

Books

"What is love" (a.k.a. can be very dense and panic upon the realization)

Has a side that's considered traditionally feminine

Tsundere

Ego the size of a planet (at least Purple is sure of it)

Soulmates with Reddish

Deep personal relationship with Pink (deep friendship in Edwin and Niko's case and whatever Vanitas has going on with Jeanne because it's supposed to be romance but it's queer in the queerest way possible) vanijeanne haters dni

Charles Rawland & Noé Archviste Reddish colour scheme purplish magenta in Noe's case but I don't take criticism

Would totally get along and be an unstoppable force.

The brawn

Tan king

Golden retriever energy

ADHD (totally a headcanon of mine, although I'm 100% sure Noé has it)

Anger and violence issues (is working on it)

THE Sunshine

Loyal to no end (especially to the blue colour coded character)

Complicated relationship with father (figure)

"What is romantic love" (is genuinely confused)

Has complicated (sort of) romantic-ish relationship with Purple (Tell me what Charles has with Crystal? A fling? An infatuation? General attraction for so many reasons? Fell in love and came out of it as friends? All of the above and then some? I think they're inventing queer-romantic relationship as they go. And Noé certainly loves Domi with his whole heart but as a friend? Or not???? I'm so confused) I'm sure Noé's gay tho

Barely interacts with Pink but they're alike and are totally adorable and everyone'd like to see more of them together

Crystal Palace Surname-von Hoverkraft & Dominique de Sade Purple colour scheme (+yellow for Domi)

Their gossip potential really frightens me

The Bitch TM (affectionately)

Sort of a double personality (used to be VERY different until a certain point in the past)

Bisexual queen ok Domi may be a comphet lesbian we're yet to see this

Neglectful family (Domi has it better but only slightly)

Rich af

Has complicated (sort of) romantic-ish relationship with Reddish (Is Crystal in love? Is it just a general attraction? We'll see I hope. Domi is sure she's in love with Noé buuuut are we sure this isn't comphet and trauma bonding? I'm not sure. Hell if I'm sure about ANYTHING or ANYONE in ANY of these canons. Delish)

Tender and close relationship with Pink (We all remember Crystal's first reaction shut up sprites and Domi told she loves Jeanne ^_^)

Used to stare daggers at each other with Blue but eventually bonded over Reddish bitch drama queens who are too alike to get along right away (affectionate)

Niko Sasaki & Jeanne Pink colour scheme (+ yellow and red for Jeanne)

I'm afraid to think what Niko might teach Jeanne about love. They would have been A MENACE but a totally adorable one and everyone would just succumb to them no questions asked.

White hair

Charmes everyone the very instant they see her

THE Sunshine [2]

May play a very interesting and influential part in future (it's a mystery so far but is sort of foreshadowed)

SO CUTE sorry I had to

Has trauma related to a parent(s) loss

Comes off as naive but is actually more than meets the eye

Deep personal relationship with Blue (see above)

Tender and close relationship with Purple (do I have to say anything, and Jeanne said she loves Domi :3)

We almost never see them together with Reddish because the authors know we won't bear such an intense radiance and warmth :3

The way ALL the relationships are so fucking queer to the ground and complicated is the best part. Whoever calls Vnc "a queerbait" are probably the same type of people who call DBD the same. VnC also has A LOT of gender confusion and mixture, as an enby - 10/10 do recommend.

Also it's hilarious how both sources have two sets of characters where each male and female character has a "twin" counterpart and a "different" one, so it's really fun to mix and match the relationship.

Bonus: Tell me Jenny isn't similar with Olivier, I dare you. Even their weapons of choice are a meat cleaver vs. a chainsaw and they're both MESSY about it. Jenny needs a golden retriever girlfriend so bad.

[epic-sorcerer]

warning: childhood suicide

a 10 year old boy named Sammy teusch was on the news because he committed suicide. Because of bullying. As someone who attempted suicide just 2 days before my 7th birthday, this story hit really, really hard. RIP sammy. I heard on the news that he spent his birthday money on gifts for his parents and his vacation time in Florida picking up trash.

I see that ther were people in the comments shocked that a 10 year old would know about suicide, one even claimed it was “fishy.” I can understand where this point of view can come from if you had a comparably easier childhood.

the rest of this post is to provide context as to what it feels to be a young, bullied kid with suicidal ideation.

the thing is, you don’t need to know about suicide to want it so desperately. I didn’t know about suicide when I was that age. But I DID know people could die. I did know that once a body is dead, there is no pain. And there are no ears to listen to horrible words anymore. Or eyes to see everyone else having fun and being friends with each other.

point is, people can suffer at all ages. So can they be desperate to end it quickly. Some of you reading this may remember the comic I made about my birthday, detailing how I commited suicide due to my greif of my grandmother dying. That is true, but god there was so much more going on that couldn’t fit on 4 panels.

at 3 my parents noticed I had something wrong with me that caused a lot of pain, but I would not be daignosed with AMPS(also known as the suicide disease, so go figure) until I was 7.5 years old. Even then, I wouldn’t really make any headway until extremely recently. I also had undiagnosed adhd, anxiety, seasonal affective disorder(depression), dyslexia and dyscalculia.

I was in constant torture in my mind and body. I was being emotionally abused at home(emotional distress and trauma feeds into amps so it was also physical in a way), had an ableist and just horrible first grade teacher, was isolated from most of my peers if not bullied, had no idea why my head was so stupid and broken, and yeah. My grandmother was dead. Still dead.

of course I wanted to die. Who wouldn’t? I had already been showing self harming behaviors by 5 or 6, so it wasn’t a thought that was out of left feild.

I have memories of my mom driving me to school in the mornings. I would go on monologues about how much I wished to die. Over and over and over. I talked about it like it was a summer vacation, or I guess, a perminant summer vacation. Because that is what it was to me. I belived I had suffered enough in my life and that I was ready to just do away with it. No more suffering. No more suffering.

On November 28th, my grandmother’s death date, I attempted suicide. I wrote a note on my white bored in my room that I was running away. But to please not throw away my stuff just yet incase I come back. Then I left my home. Thankfully my mom got to me quickly and took me home.

I am not so sure hwo to end this, I was not magically cured that day. I even graduated to cutting my feet with sharp objects soon after. But yeah, that’s my story. Questions are extremly welcome, creating awareness about this is important to me so don’t be shy. Thanks for reading

And oh yeah, ok to reblog. Actually encouraged for awareness tbh