#i am so grateful my employer made this easy and was so understanding i love her

[cinnamonest]

Hello all. Sorry for my radio silence until now, here's a half-vent-post, half-update-post for the mess I have going on.

So, my second doctor's appointment... I am very grateful to have a wonderful employer who let me take some time off, so since I've been not great, I've gone to stay with my parents for the week.

I am experiencing what I was told is something called "polydipsia," which I can only describe as something I would come up with if I were asked to devise a new method of psychological torture. It's the sensation of intense, constant thirst, but drinking water doesn't do anything. Like, you know how normally when you're super thirsty and drink water, you feel a sensation of relief when you drink water? That doesn't happen. When you swallow and put the glass down, the thirst is just as intense as it was before you drank, it just... does nothing. You just stay insanely, incredibly thirsty, nonstop, and there is nothing you can do, no amount of drinking makes the sensation go away, but you keep getting the urge to drink because that's what your brain compels you to do.

It was mild at first, now it's reached a point that I'm chugging bottles of water, just nonstop, can barely sleep due to thirst. I know it could be so much worse and a lot of people have much worse things and this is minor by comparison, and I'm very grateful this isn't painful, but it's driving me insane. Just the constant sensation that you're trying to fix but nothing alleviates it at all despite trying is frustrating in a way I cannot describe and it's slowly worn me down to the point of psychological exhaustion.

Apparently, this may be due to some kidney issue. If so that means basically all that water I'm drinking, is actually not being absorbed by my body, my kidneys do nothing, so basically it's as if I'm not drinking at all. So, effects of dehydration as well.

At first with the urgent care doctor I went to initially, I was told that I am not diabetic due to blood sugar normal levels and that I had a kidney problem I needed to see a specialist for. Then I finally got an appointment with the primary care doctor, who said that may be incorrect because diabetes would easily explain the polydipsia. However, the last blood sample they took for lab work they did a few days ago came back and it turns out, once again, I am in fact NOT diabetic.

They drew even more blood and did a series of extensive fluids tests, basically measuring the contents by electrolyte, so I would get updates of lab results sent to me reading like "potassium - normal" and "chloride - normal" etc etc as they test each component. Everything kept coming back as being at normal levels until it hit sodium, and then for some reason, sodium and only sodium got flagged as being imbalanced.

I may have "diabetes insipidus", I'll just have to wait for testing results.

Unfortunately, with comically impeccable timing, I needed wisdom teeth taken out as it's apparently already begun to undo my previous expensive orthodontic work, so I just got out of wisdom tooth surgery yesterday. However, since I have ADHD meds (which are amphetamines) flowing through my body, they put me under general anesthesia rather than laughing gas.

So it's done, my mouth is stuffed with gauze, I'm numb with opioids for the gaping holes in my gums, I feel like a pincushion with the number of needles that have been stuffed in me in the last 72 hours, but it's done and hopefully I won't need anything more.

[lookingforann]

WRAP UP: YEAR 2022! On Making Peace w/ Endings —

This year might have been an awful year for some or might have been an amazing and exciting for the rest.  But to me, a lot has surely happened.  There are so many things I should be thankful for.  And I learned that being appreciative prevents us from taking anything or anyone for granted. We all should live well. And that’s why I’m making this post so that I can teach myself more to be grateful regardless of the circumstance.

JANUARY - During our previous planning, from being the director of Young Adults, I was appointed to be the director of our Kids’ Church. It was really a challenging one because I felt that most things were trial and error. But I was also grateful because we’ve got so many things to improve. We are still learning. I pray that the Lord will give us more patience with our progress and bless our minds for wisdom.

FEBRUARY - I was not okay emotionally. I had days with my anxiety and breakdowns. I had to talk with my Pastor because I thought that he would be the one who would understand me. But I am also thankful with my breakdowns and circumstance for it made me realize some things. It led me also to right people.

MARCH - I enjoyed joining to campaign rallies! It was a different kind of experience. I also finally had a courage to resign from my work. It took me 4 years to have courage! I planned to take some rest due to my health condition.

APRIL - I celebrated my 27th birthday. I also finally decided to be in a relationship with my bestfriend. I went through first with all of my confusions and fears -- a whirlwind kind of emotions. But, yes, I’m choosing this. We are choosing this. We are choosing each other.  

MAY - I was officially unemployed! After I graduated, I was immediately hired by our school. And finally, after 7 years of working, I decided to take a break from everything and focus with ministries. I felt mixed emotions of course. After all, I spent my 15 years of my life there and leaving my comfort zone was never easy. But sometimes, we really have to go for us to experience the growth we want.

JUNE - We went to Pampanga to watch the Aurora Fest. That was the first time that we go out of town. My anxiety was starting to attack again. And I was happy for my disciples as well because they graduated from college.

JULY - I had a lot of sleepless nights! My anxiety was keeping me awake for nights. And I couldn’t help but to have a self-pity. I felt that I was stuck. I felt that I had nothing to go or I was just going to nowhere. It felt like I was in the wilderness.

AUGUST - My brother got married! I couldn’t explain how happy I was for him! I know that our parents were happy too. It was 5th Anniversary of our church as well! I couldn’t believe that it has been already 5 years! But one thing is for sure, God’s grace brought us this far. To more years and battles to come!

SEPTEMBER - We experienced a strong typhoon in our place! Our province were under of state of calamity because a lot of people were really affected. It was 2013 when we experienced this kind of typhoon. Fortunately, my family and loved ones were safe.

OCTOBER - I tried to have a side line (while I’m still unemployed). I tried to be an event coordinator. Though it was easy for me to adjust since we handle different events in our church, it was still a different kind of experience. We handled one of the biggest projects of our provincial government. And it went really successful! Glory to God!

NOVEMBER - My father celebrated his 61st Birthday! I also started applying jobs online. I sent to a lot of employers. I went through a lot of frustrations but it also helped me to embrace more the fact that there are many things we cannot control. It helped me to trust God more in the middle of the process.

DECEMBER - Of course it was the Christmas Ball for me! I always look forward to this one since we conduct or have it annually. I had my latest check up too, and I was really grateful for my EEG became normal now. Though I still need to take medication, it was really a good news that my health has a big improvement. I also started to be one of the trainees in an ESL company. I praise the Lord for the opportunity.

And at this point, I know that I made it through, not because of myself, but because of God. It is Him who has carried me all along. He is only the reason why I have the strength to go through another day, month, or even year. His grace sustained and continually sustains me. 

And as we approach another year, my prayer is to always remember His words:

“I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” - Isaiah 46:3-4

Happy New Year, everyone! 

[microfinanseer]

Top Ten: Seattle, Washington Edition

While saying farewell to really great people and places these last few weeks, I was reminded of how we arrived in Seattle. We knew few people. We got here with wide open eyes, hearts, and minds! We soaked up everything and took every chance to explore and meet new people at every turn. We often hear from Seattle friends (those born here or living here a long time) that we have done more while living here than most people here do. And it sure feels like that is true. We've been to just about every corner of the state and experienced all kinds of subcultures. It has been an amazing time. 

I know I'm leaving with a much better understanding of life in the Pacific Northwest. What a different kind of place it is compared to anywhere I've lived before. I knew I'd learn some lessons here as I do anywhere I go, but I never imagined how much I'd learn in these last 6 years. Firstly, I was surprised at how easy it was to settle out here. We felt welcomed by so many and at ease quickly. And even the challenging times have worked themselves out. I'm grateful we survived a pandemic mostly unscathed, I got justice and won a lawsuit against an abusive employer, and that we both healed from injuries along the way. We made such incredible friends I'm going to miss so much, though I know we'll stay connected. I knew this wouldn't be a final destination, but I didn't realize how bittersweet it would be when we decided to leave. We've enjoyed our time here a lot more than I thought possible.  

Special thanks to friends from places we've lived before for making the trip out to visit. We heard more wanted to get out here (and we know, it is far), but only a handful made it. We loved hosting you and showing you the places we fell in love with here. With that in mind, here are my top 10 highlights. Things I loved and learned since moving here in 2017:

Mountains - I never lived anywhere with any around, and didn't appreciate how beautiful they are. To drive around the city or glance out of our apt. and be able to see Rainier and the surrounding Olympics and Cascades was such a majestic gift everyday that never got old. 

Seaplanes - I loved them from the moment I heard and saw their little bodies flying through the air. I still stop to watch them as they go by wherever I am. They still make me smile. I will miss them. 

Special foods (west coast salmon, Rainier cherries, and a good, dry cider) - I never cared for salmon much before, but got out here and realized what a delicious fish they can be. We enjoyed some great seafood, and the best salmon sandwiches ever in Seattle. I don't think I'd ever had a Rainier cherry, but now can't imagine summer without them. PNW's best kept fruit secret. And while I don't care for beer much, dry cider has become one of my favorite drinks, especially on the (very) rare, hot days.

Microclimates - I have lived in rainy, tropically stormy, and hyper frigid places before. But generally when a season arrived, you knew what to expect day-to-day for months at a time. However, in Seattle I learned what it was to turn off a road and experience a whole different season in a few minutes' time. And I always heard this was because Seattle sits in a very interesting place between the two mountain ranges around us. Fascinating to navigate microclimates. And talking about convergence zones is a whole other discussion!   

Hygge - This Nordic concept of "coziness" is definitely handy during the darkest winter days. I leaned on it often through finding the best lighting combinations, soft candles, and enjoying incense that smelled of spice or woods to make home feel more comfortable. I had never heard of this concept by a name, though can appreciate the approach to enduring winters. But I will always think of it now when someone is trying to describe ways to make a place feel more comfortable.  

La Connor - My favorite town in Washington State. Period.

Diversity in landscapes - from mountains to rainforest to the ocean and beaches to desert all in one state!

Short, cool summers - My second summer here I was admittedly a little homesick for the hot, humid summers of my youth. It was great not to sweat through clothes all summer long as is typical on the east coast, especially the south. But there is something still odd to me about not being warm enough to swim outside or in the ocean that is all around us here. And I never got into trying out lakes, which are very abundant here too. I realized I need more sun and heat than the PNW will ever be able to afford me. 

Sofia - Amidst so much natural beauty, it’s hard to ignore. Being here has made me appreciate nature so much more, even hiking and camping more than I ever did - though not nearly as often as B would’ve liked, I'm sure. But while living here, I started to look around more at the trees, listened to the birds more closely, and watched the sky and clouds more intently. There is a slower pace here that allowed me to literally pay more attention. So thanks for that too, Seattle. And you know how much I love and will likely miss my favorite tree friend ever, Sofia. A twist on what Dorothy said to the Scarecrow: I'll miss her most of all the natural beauty I've encountered.

Music everywhere/laid back attitude - The amount of live music and music venues here is incredible! What a joy it was to be able to see so many of my favorite bands and check out new ones at one of the dozens of venues around town every year. Also the laid back way of life made going to shows and enjoying all things around town even more. I love how people don't typically ask what you do for a living here, as they often do where I grew up, but instead people ask what you enjoy doing on your time off. Jobs, even the ones you love, are a means to an end. In my view, that end is to live your best personal life with as many of the people you care about around you. That's what matters.

So here's to live music, welcoming vibes, trees, and dynamic natural beauty! Thank you Seattle, Washington for everything.

[fangwhoria]

I would be very grateful if you could explain your thoughts on cannibalism! < 3 it would be lovely to finally find someone who could finally expand on their ideas. Also cannibalism as a girl coded.. That's so right

hell yeah i love to talk about cannibalism <3 this is gonna be long so ill put it under the cut

i have a few different thoughts on cannibalism as a concept: how cannibalism can be used in the mourning process, as well as how cannibalism is used in relation to gender, cannibalism as dominance, and cannibalism as love. nbc’s hannibal, which was what initially made me begin to think about cannibalism as a motif, explores cannibalism as mourning, cannibalism as dominance, and cannibalism as love.

*disclaimer* that this is not a hannibal meta, im using hannibal to organize my thoughts on a topic i think can be applied to a lot of different media. hannibal also doesnt really include the cannibalism as gender Thing, so ill save that for last and use movies like raw (2016) to organize my thoughts on that.

hannibal lecter, as a child, eats his sister after shes been killed as a way to mourn her and keep her spirit with him (i will say i am using the tv show’s interpretation of those events, in the books she is fed to him without his knowledge. i prefer the show). now, i am a big supporter of people like caitlin doughty, who encourage people to explore alternative burial and memorial processes for their loved ones, because embalming and those anti-decay caskets are not only bad for the environment, but theyre bad for our ability to make peace with and celebrate those who have passed. caitlin is a big proponent of the family being included in the post-deatn process and burial, and so am i! and i think that eating a loved one after death, if its known that the loved one would have wanted that, has the capacity to be simply another form of burial, no different from keeping an urn of someones ashes on the mantle. the idea of our loved ones whove passed away being cooked and consumed by those they loved most in life, sustaining them and keeping them alive, is pretty beautiful to me.

cannibalism as grieving was only hannibals introduction to cannibalism, however, and its reserved only for mischa. im not positive the exact turn of events with the men responsible for mischa’s death, but i think its sort of widely accepted that he hunted them down and ate them as well. the rest of his life until he meets will is spent killing and eating only as an act of dominance. from indigenous mythologies to the video game character kirby, eating someone/something and thereby gaining their power is a fairly common employment of the concept of cannibalism. but in hannibal, he kills and eats people he believes to be lesser than him, mere cattle to his godlike stature. and he proves this, again and again, by killing, publicly humiliating, and eating them. humans are at the top of the food chain, we have no natural predators, except ourselves. what better way to prove yourself as above the rest of humanity than to put yourself above them on the food chain?

this, of course, brings us to cannibalism as love. hannibal and will are equals. that is the most important thing one needs to understand in order to understand their relationship. hannibal, whose brain works on an entirely different level than the rest of humanity’s, which made it easy for him to put himself on top of humanity in every sense, has met a man whose brain also works on an entirely different level than the rest of humanity. and he falls in love. when you love someone that completely, it can be hard to know how to express it, especially when no one has ever come close to affecting you as much. consumption of the lover can be taken back to cannibalism as grief, loving someone so much you want to carry them inside you forever. lust is often described as a hunger, as explored in ginger snaps (2000), when a teenage girl gets her first period and bitten by a werewolf on the same night, she explains how she thought the hunger she felt was for sex, but it’s really just to tear everything apart. and, im so sorry to bring up supernatural, but in one of my favorite episodes, the horseman of the apocalypse, famine, makes it so a young couple is so starved for each other that they eat chunks out of each other as theyre having sex. not to be that girl, but the idea of being wanted so badly that there is no way to express ones desire other than consumption is pretty romantic.

cannibalism in relation to gender is probably my favorite use of cannibalism in media. ill say now before i get into it that i am a cis woman, and womanhood and femininity are both deeply important to me, but i am not exclusive about who is included in either of those. everything i am about to say is including of trans women, and i think there should be more media where explicitly trans women get to be cannibals too <3 anyway. in raw (2016), a girl whos been vegetarian her whole life goes to vet school, is forced to eat meat, and starts craving human flesh. it and ginger snaps (2000) follow a similar format, of teenage girls’ coming of age through the lens of hunger and fear of oneself. justine, the protagonist in raw, is shown to have an extremely controlling mother and a fairly apathetic father. it isnt deeply explored, but its fairly obvious that shes had a sheltered life. i think this is something a lot of women can relate to, as theres an inherent societal pressure on all women to come off a certain way, to want certain things. that pressure is so extreme on some, that when it’s finally released, the resulting freedom is explosive. outside of her parents control and coming into her burgeoning womanhood and sexuality, justine is hungry for everything shes never had before. her sister is even more monstrous than she is, having been older and not having someone she could relate to at the school to anchor herself to humanity. even their mother, the strict, overbearing vegetarian, is starving. her husband loves her so much he allows her to eat bites out of him to sustain herself.

in jennifers body (2009), jennifer is a beautiful object to everyone around her. she uses this to her advantage, even seems to enjoy the attention, but making peace with your own objectification does not mean you would choose it if youd had a choice at all. this all culminates when a band she’d set her sights on sacrifices her to the devil to bring themselves fame and fortune. this itself is proof that she doesnt really have any control over her own life, because the only thing shes used to reclaim her power, seducing men, has proven to be her downfall. but, killing her proves to be a release of the pressure she was under, because she comes back from the dead and begins killing and eating men to sustain her own power. its not exactly subtle, but it is both cannibalism as dominance and cannibalism as a woman being put in charge of her own life for the first time.

i could spend hours picking apart each movie it think explores these concepts, but i think ive made my point. of course, in both these movies, these womens’ hunger ends up controlling them, instead of vice versa. justines sister, having lost her humanity altogether, ends up in jail after killing justines roommate and crush. the only way to stop the demon inside jennifer is a knife to the heart from her best friend. so where does that leave us? justine and her mom both find ways to minimize their damage, but that is just reinforcing the pressure that caused all of this. how does one quell a hunger thats been building your whole life? do you sacrafice your humanity altogether? what has humanity done for you, as a woman, anyway? wouldnt it be better to eat rather than be eaten? i just think its interesting! and i promise im like. 99% not going become a cannibal for real. unless like a hot girl wants me to. then maybe. idk

[honeybeezx]

Armor - Oberyn Martell x Reader x Ellaria Sand - Part 1

Author’s Note: Hey everyone! So this is the first fic I’ve ever posted on tumblr, low key kinda scary😄 But this man and his paramour have been on my mind for the longest. This is a self insert fic, but I don’t really use “Y/N”. Hope you enjoy and any feedback would be great!

Summary: You are an assassin hired by Tyrion to act as extra security alongside Bronn. He brings you back to King’s Landing just as the boy king Jeoffry Baratheon plans to marry the cunning Margaery Tyrell. But with all the guests roaming around, you begin to wonder who is a friend and who is a foe. No one makes you wonder more than the famed prince from Dorne and his captivating paramour.

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: mentions of murder, allusions to sex

—————

You never knew anything in the seven kingdoms could make you feel so small. It wasn’t as if you’d ever let it show. You held your head high, walking alongside Tyrion as both of you entered the great hall of the throne room, Bronn on the opposite side of your employer. The Red Keep was even bigger than you had imagined it to be. The throne room was the tallest room you had ever seen. Against the dark ceiling the columns looked as if they stretched up into the night sky.

Every eye in the palace was on the three of you, and you felt no one’s eyes more than Cersei’s. You held her gaze. A woman who lived in luxury her whole life did not frighten you. She may have influence, but you had experience, strength, freedom, and skill with your bow that you were now acutely aware was strapped to your back. Having the protection of Tyrion’s influence and connections and Bronn’s strength and skill with a sword brought a sense of comfort, allowing you to remain calm under such scrutinizing gaze.

“Brother.” Cersei greeted with a soft smile that failed to hide all the vileness in her heart. “You come with friends.”

“Oh no, more like bodyguards. We have so many enemies now a days sister, I like to know I’m protected.” Tyrion smirked, leaving Bronn chuckling. You, on the other hand, would not let your intimidating demeanor fade, remaining as stoic and unyielding as the stone columns that held up the palace you wished to see fall. “May I introduce Bronn, Lord of Highgarden and-“

“Yes, I know all about the Silver Hawk from the North. I wonder if you are half as good as they say you are.” She mocked, her tone anything but genuinely curious. “I am told that you can hit your target 200 meters away and steal their breath before they even know what hit them.” If you didn’t know any better you’d think she was impressed, even if she did look at you as if you were the lowest creature she ever beheld.

“Perhaps I will have an opportunity to display my skills while I am here, your grace.” You’ll see first hand when my arrow is aimed just above your crooked neck.

“Perhaps.” She replied, feigning as much sweetness as a ferrel cat.

The both of you narrowed your eyes at each other. There was no outright exchange of harsh words or petty language, but the furious tension between the two of you was enough to fill the entire hall with uncomfortable silence. You hoped your unyielding gaze scared her. You wondered how many people actually defied her, you wondered how long it would take to get under her skin.

“Yes, well.” Tyrion interrupted, knowing you were bubbling with anger. Cersei was too, and although you allowed her to see your own emotions, it please you a bit to know you could anger her just as easy. You hated Lannisters almost more than anything, but you also knew Cersei’s time would come. She would pay for her crimes, fate would decide her end. You knew that fate had not brought you here to slay the queen regent, as much as you despised her. “As much as I love chatting with you sister, I simply wanted our arrival to be known. We have much unpacking to do and much to discuss.”

“Be careful, little brother.” She warned. “Your guard has little reserve and it seems your little silver hawk has a silver tongue as well. You would be wise to remember that people have been killed for that and less.”

“I’ll be sure to keep very close watch over them.” Tyrion retorted sarcastically before turning on his heal and exiting the great hall. You and Bronn followed, the later unable to contain his amusement.

“I’d say that went well!” He quipped, smiling at both you and your employer.

“She didn’t call to chop off our heads, that is some relief.” Tyrion noted. “But you both must be careful, especially you.” His scrutinizing gaze met yours.

“What? You expected me to just let her try and hold some dominate power over me? Just because she is draped in finest jewels in the seven realms and hides behind the her father’s influence does not mean I will tremble like a child before her.”

Tyrion sighed. “You must, for now, hold your tongue. Your wit does you credit, that’s why I like you, but you must check yourself. My sister is more dangerous than you can imagine. Don’t tremble, but don’t overstep either.” You remembered that Tyrion had been playing the game his whole life, he was basically born into it. He knew his sister better than anyone, and that meant he knew how to get around her better than anyone. You made a note to observe exactly what made Cersei tick, what made her preen under her usually reserved demeanor.

Despite the warm tones of the palace, you felt as though you were walking on ice. One wrong step and you were dead under a frozen tundra. You didn’t like this at all. Tyrion promised your freedom would not be at risk, yet you felt the freedom to speak your mind, the freedom to do as you pleased slip from you more and more. You were being watched here, you weren’t stupid. Every move had to be calculated, every word like honey laced with poison. The faster the boy king could marry, the less people there were for you to worry about. It made you uncomfortable not knowing who was an ally and who was a foe. The one thing you could appreciate about Cersei was that you always knew where you stood with her.

“I will try to remain civil if she approaches me, otherwise I will avoid your sister to the best of my abilities. But she would be wise not to challenge my reserve.” I huffed, earning a laugh from Bronn.

“Your reserve, little hawk, will be undone, whether it be from your words or your arrows.” He teased. You gave him a shove and he stumbled a bit, but not much. The last thing you needed was the oaf calling you “little”.

“The sooner we are out of this horrid place the better.” You huffed.

“I agree,” Tyrion agreed, nodding in understanding, “but don’t hold your breath. There is so much to be done before my nephew’s wedding and I will be relying on both of you to help me. While I am arranging more intimate details with my family, you two will be protecting me, but also doing some side tasks that I will not have time for. Bronn, for the most part you will be either at my side or Shae’s. If the palace discovers her they will use her against me. She can’t be found.”

Shae, Tyrion’s lover of sorts. You had grown close to her on your travels. You were wary at first. Your job was to protect Tyrion, naturally, you were cautious of anyone who might try to hurt him, to get close to him only for information or power. But it was a tough business, out spying a spy, and all your instincts told you to trust Shae. She had not left any of you astray thus far, and though the couple had not named their relationship, you could tell Tyrion and Shae cared immensely for each other. But Tyrion was right, she could be used as a pawn against him, especially if Cersei found out.

There was a sort of kinship between you and Shae. You were both strong, clever women, and she had tended to the few wounds you found yourself with on your travels. She seemed like a sister, and you were grateful for the company and friendship she provided.

“As for our favorite archer, you will be assisting some guests, getting information. I want to know the people attending this wedding, I want to ensure that this wedding goes smoothly. The Tyrell’s are a powerful ally, we cannot lose them.”

You nodded in understanding. Tyrion hired you to protect him, yes, but archery was not your only strength. You could be quiet, and you could listen as well as you could speak. You knew he would ask that of you with all the guests roaming around. You were curious to know what King’s Landing was really like, and even more interested in knowing the people who came here. “Ask it of me and it will be done.”

“Aye.” Bronn agreed.

“You are the most trusted of friends.” Tyrion gave the smallest of smiles. You were hesitant to even be in his service when the lord found you and offered you a job, afraid of losing your freedom. You knew the Lannisters, you knew their foul and power-hungry disposition. Being in their service seemed to you signing your life away. You were surprised to find he did not wish to take such things from you. He hired both you and Bronn to protect him, yes, but he would do the same for you both. You were an odd sort of family, but a family nonetheless. “Get settled and rested for the evening, we’ve had a long journey. We will reconvene later to discuss further plans.”

You nodded and left to your new chamber, one just across from Bronn and down the hall from Tyrion.

The trio was still not aware of the Red Viper slithering about the halls.

——————

Days passed with little to do. You hadn’t seen much of Tyrion. Since your arrival at King’s Landing your employer had become hand to his nephew king and married the pretty Stark girl you later learned was named Sansa. Still, you found ways to spend your time, keeping eyes and ears open for any useful information. You were particularly interested in Joffrey. It was astounding how a little boy could hold so much power, so much evil. You figured he inherited his terror from his mother.

Sansa was an interesting girl as well. Your heart broke for her. She was nothing if not resilient, staying loyal to her betrothed if only to keep herself alive. She was smart, you learned, but not useful when attempting to gather information. She did not deny her loyalty to Joffrey, even to those she liked. You were grateful that Tyrion stepped in to propose to the poor girl, if only to save her from the tyrant king. Both you and Shae kept close eyes on her. She was as smart and clever as Shae and yourself. You had a sneaking suspicion that she could be a close ally, if only your little family could get her away from the palace.

But today was different. Today you left your quarters to explore the palace a bit. You wanted to know what sort of battleground you were working with. It seemed surprising that a palace that was so heavily targeted was so...open. It seemed like light could illuminate any room. Even the gloomy and foreboding throne room could not escape a few beams of sunlight. If you didn’t despise every Lannister crawling about the palace, you had a mind to stay. The palace was only under the allusion of being warm and charming, the people who inhabited it ruined any chance of it being a lovely place. You noticed that the open windows and balconies made perfect outlooks should you need to eliminate a threat with one of your silver arrows.

But for now, the open windows became your place of peace as you ate a bowl of berries, just watching the rest of the sunrise. You saw the sun just barely grace the city with its light before you were called into Tyrion’s chambers. You arrived promptly, Bronn stumbling in a few minutes after you. You rolled your eyes at his lack of punctuality, which only earned you a playful nudge from the Lord of Highgarden.

“Behave you two. I swear I am dealing with children.” Shae huffed, but you could tell behind her sharp features was an air of mischief. Still, you straightened up and diverted your full attention to Tyrion.

“Well, much has happened. Prince Oberyn has arrived in The Capital. I visited him yesterday morning and he made it very clear that he wants to kill any Lannister that he sets his sights on. My father apparently ordered the death of his sister and her children. Our goal, for now, is to keep him happy, to keep him entertained. Bronn, your job will be to appear inconspicuous as you keep a watchful eye over my quarters, make sure no one goes in or out.” He ordered.

Shae huffed. “I’m perfectly capable of handling myself thank you.” She huffed.

“No one disputes that my dear.” Tyrion chuckled. You remember watching Shae stab a man she did not want for laying a finger on her. “I’m not worried about you. But my sister and my king nephew are very powerful. They will know how to use you against me.” He explained. Shae still was not pleased with the idea, but she relented.

“As for our hawk,” he turned to you and gave you a list with names you did not recognize, “you will present these girls to Prince Oberyn in my place. You will tell him that royal duties as the king’s new hand have prevented me from revisiting him, but you hope he enjoys the whores as a welcoming gift to King’s Landing.”

“Excuse me?!” You snapped your eyes narrowing in on your employer. “I am not a squire whose job is to bring in girls for spoiled princes!”

“Do not think of it as that.” Tyrion poured himself a glass of wine, knowing that he should chose his next words very carefully. He could feel your eyes burning into him. “Consider it a diplomatic mission. Besides, the prince wishes to meet you. The legends of the Silver Hawk have reached so far as Dorne and he is eager to make your acquaintance. This is the perfect opportunity for the both of you.”

You still weren’t pleased. “So I am now to serve as entertainment for the prince of Dorne.” You sighed and shook your head. “I am only staying long enough to bring him the girls, then I’m leaving.”

“Fine,” Tyrion relented. “But you will be cordial to the prince. Don’t be deceived by his charming words, he stabbed one of my cousins for a few unkind, brutish remarks. I don’t want to know what he’ll do when he hears your fire-laced words.” If it weren’t such a serious situation, Tyrion might have been amused to hear you use your wit against a prince, but the prince’s history with the Lannisters was anything but a joke.

“I’m sure she can handle herself. Hawks have talons after all.” Shae teased, but squeezed your arm affectionately. You offered a kind smile, but you still loathed this plan.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Tyrion rubbed his temple like the very thought of you getting into trouble was enough to send him over the edge.

You relented and chuckled a little before placing a hand on your friend’s shoulder. “I will be on my best behavior, but only because you will worry yourself ill.” You teased. “It can’t be too bad if I just deliver your message and leave. I better get going though. Can’t leave a prince waiting.” You snorted. As if you cared what a prince thought.

————————

Oberyn Martell lied in his temporary bed at the brothel, Ellaria Sand at his right, a blond haired boy on his left. He was the picture of lustful bliss, his golden chest glistened as the small rays of light entered the sinful den. But the prince was quiet deep in thought as he started out into the empty space before them. All the pleasure the brothel had to offer could not break his focus.

“Your thoughts are too loud, my prince.” Ellaria chided as she placed a kiss to his chest. “Tell me.”

Even then, Oberyn still could not break his thoughts of you, but he ran a hand through his paramour’s raven curls in acknowledgment. “I think I found our third partner.”

Next Chapter

[ibijau]

chap 4 of the modern xisangyao, also on AO3

Meng Yao faces his past and his future

Meng Yao screams upon seeing the face of those two intruders, and nearly stabs himself in the cheek with his tiny knife as he brings up his hands to cover his mouth.

He knows these men.

They killed him, once.

The one in blue chopped off his arm.

That one in red destroyed his reputation, exposed the darker sides of him for all to see, leaving him no choice but to die.

And Lan Xichen, of course, dealt the fatal blow.

Three men in this desolate house with him. Three murderers. Or is it really three? After all, none of this would have happened without…

Meng Yao, who refuses to fall to his knees like Lan Xichen out of sheer pride, sobs. He doesn’t know when, exactly, he started crying. But his face is now wet with tears and snot under his hands and his breath fogs up the blade of his knife. He hasn’t cried like this since his mother died.

In every life he’s lived, she has died too early.

A curse bound to repeat itself, a punishment for everything Meng Yao ended up doing after she died in that first life, and the second, and the third, and…

Somewhere a thousand miles away, heavy footsteps climb up stairs two, three at a times, rushed and loud as they never are usually. Meng Yao can’t see through his tears, but he still knows it must be mister Shanzi. A suspicion confirmed when a moment later his employer speaks up, breathless from running up those stairs.

He never was an athletic man, mister Shanzi, not if he could avoid it.

“Don’t hurt him!” Mister Shanzi cries out, trying to run again, only to settle for stumbling along until he’s in front of Meng Yao.

It’s a surprise, and it’s not. Either way, it startles Meng Yao out of his tears. He blinks a few times, until his vision clears. Mister Shanzi is there, shielding him from the other three, arms spread wide as if to better protect him. Meng Yao can’t see his face, but he can imagine the fierce, determined expression on his employer’s face.

His fourth murderer, and yet now Meng Yao feels less scared at last.

The newcomers aren’t impressed with mister Shanzi. The man in white and blue, kneeling next to Lan Xichen, glares up at mister Shanzi. Meng Yao feels he should know his name. He knew it, once, but they haven’t met in many lifetimes.

“You didn’t say,” the man says coldly, eyes darting toward Lan Xichen, still prostrated on the floor, as if he’s remembering as much as Meng Yao does, and enjoys it as little. “You know how much I’ve tried to find…”

“I’ll buy you lunch, Wangji,” mister Shanzi cuts him. “Deal with your brother, I’m taking care of Meng Yao.”

Lan Wangji frowns at this answer.

That’s his name, Meng Yao recalls. Lan Wangji, the one who goes where the chaos is. And the other, then, is Wei Wuxian. Two parts of a whole. Meng Yao thinks he hated them, once. Even before they destroyed him, he hated them for their freedom, for their right to be careless, when he had to measure his every word, his every action. Or perhaps it is just that a part of him always knew they would kill him.

As Meng Yao tries to remember which came first between hatred and murder, he feels mister Shanzi reach for his hands. The knife is taken from him and put away on the nearest surface, which ought to scare him. He knows, though, that no weapon he might yield could protect him, should mister Shanzi have it in mind to murder him again. Meng Yao has never once been successful in defending himself against him.

With this certainty in mind, Meng Yao doesn’t resist as mister Shanzi pulls him away, back to the basement. This, too, reassures him. Mister Shanzi loves his paintings more than anything in the world, more than scamming powerful assholes and overconfident idiots. If he had to kill Meng Yao, mister Shanzi wouldn't do it somewhere that would taint his precious art.

Once they reach the workshop, mister Shanzi gently brings Meng Yao inside and invites him to take the chair while he closes the door, locking it behind them. This too should scare Meng Yao. It doesn’t.

“How are you feeling?” mister Shanzi asks, coming closer but stopping at few steps away from Meng Yao. Giving him space, so he can feel safe. “How much do you remember?”

“I remember dying because of you,” Meng Yao says, falling onto the chair which rolls away from his employer. 

Mister Shanzi is unphased, his face showing only polite interest, the way he does when meeting sellers and buyers. With him dressed like this, the neutral expression feels wrong. Funny, almost. Meng Yao would laugh, if he remembered how.

“You killed me several times,” Meng Yao says. It should make him angry. When he looked at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, he felt unfathomable rage over what they did to him even if he doesn’t understand what, exactly, it is that they did. They only killed him once, though. But mister Shanzi, who he can remember towering over him, holding a blade wet with his blood… “You also saved me, didn’t you?”

Mister Shanzi smiles, if you can call it that.

“I had to find a new way of dealing with you,” he casually admits. “After the first few times, killing you wasn’t as fun anymore.”

“I was a child the last time you killed me,” Meng Yao protests, and maybe there is some anger to be felt over that. He was just a child that one time.

A toddler really, playing in the street with other kids, Meng Yao suddenly remembers. His mother hadn’t quite died yet in that life, but her health had been declining, so he’d been left to his own devices too often. Someone had offered him sweets and he’d been too young to know he should refuse.

He hadn't even gotten those candies before getting his throat slit.

“It was a low point for me,” mister Shanzi admits with a shiver. “At that time, I was... You see, you had killed my brother in the first life in which we met, and in a truly horrible manner too,” he explains, and Meng Yao nods. It rings a bell. A corpse butchered, a melody... “and since he had never reincarnated, I didn’t see why you should get to. I’d always found you as an adult before that, and it was easy to find some failings of yours to excuse killing you. A child though…” He grimaces in disgust, looks down as his hands as if they're still stained with the warm blood of a three years old. “After that, I started reconsidering the way I was doing things. My brother had believed you were worth giving several chances, once, so I thought I’d honour his memory and do the same.”

“I suppose I should be grateful?” Meng Yao asks. “Just as I was supposed to be grateful toward Mingjue.”

Hearing his brother’s name makes mister Shanzi jump. But he’s not mister Shanzi, Meng Yao realises. That was never his true name.

“You’re Nie Huaisang,” Meng Yao says, mostly to himself. “You’re… after so long, and you’re still doing all this for him. I’d murdered the wrong brother, back then.”

Realising what he just said, Meng Yao tenses and throws Nie Huaisang a sharp glance, terrified that he might lash out at the reminder of that crime which has entangled their fates through centuries.

Nie Huaisang turns away, curling up on himself, shoulders shaking. Meng Yao braces himself for an attack, verbal or physical, but instead after a moment Nie Huaisang bursts out laughing, loud and unrestrained.

“Every time!” Nie Huaisang giggles. “Every damn time, you end up saying that! And every time I say that…”

“Da-ge would have been just as fierce in avenging you, so there was no right brother to kill, no right brother to spare,” Meng Yao finishes in a whisper. “I’m not saying that I want to kill you now,” he quickly adds. “I don’t. Not after what I owe you.”

Of course in that very first life, he owed Nie Mingjue, and that hadn’t stopped him. Meng Yao can feel the reek of the terror he’d felt then, stuck between a rock and a hard place, certain he didn’t have a choice. Perhaps he didn’t. Those were different times, and he had promised his mother to be a good son so his father would give him the status he deserved. So she hadn't suffered in vain when raising him.

Meng Yao had tried to be a good son, which had turned him into a poor friend. Not to Nie Mingjue exactly. They weren’t friends anymore by then. But to Lan Xichen, who had suffered first the loss of Nie Mingjue, and then years later the horror of having helped it happen.

And then Lan Xichen had killed him.

Maybe he hadn't been a very good friend either.

“I’m really sorry for this,” Nie Huaisang says. “You’ve always remembered, whenever I’ve taken you in, but it’s never been quite so fast and brutally. And it’s the first time that…”

He trails off, looking over his shoulder toward the door with a mix of dread and longing.

“Lan Xichen,” Meng Yao guesses.

“Lan Xichen,” Nie Huaisang agrees, before chuckling sadly. “Did you… does he… did he know before coming here, or…”

Meng Yao thinks on it, and shakes his head. He might be deluding himself, but he doesn’t believe Lan Xichen knew, not until they arrived to the Hanshi, not until he saw Nie Huaisang, not until he was confronted by his own brother. It took both of them by surprise.

Meng Yao wants to ask about Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, but doesn’t. It’s not necessary, he realises. Having been in their presence, he can guess that they are more like Nie Huaisang than like him or Lan Xichen. There is just something about those people who no longer die that sets them apart from ordinary humans, even at first glance.

“He was just here about the painting,” Meng Yao explains. “He’s writing a book on… well, on you, I guess.”

The expression on Nie Huaisang’s face is a complicated one, equal part regret and relief.

“Wangji had been looking for him,” he says. “Quite desperately. Well, he found him now, good for him. As for myself, I don’t think I should… well. Well. It doesn’t matter. Lan Xichen made it clear once how he thinks of me, and I know better than to impose myself where I am unwanted. I’ll just disappear for a while, make sure we don’t run into each other. The antics scene was getting a little bothersome anyway. Damn technology, ruining my life. I’ll have to find something else to keep me busy. I guess I’ll have to leave this house, too.”

As he speaks of abandoning the Hanshi, Nie Huaisang looks truly sad. Almost in spite of himself he raises a hand to touch the nearest wall, brushing his fingertips against it as one would a lover.

He's owned this house most of his life, he once told Meng Yao. At the time, Meng Yao had thought his employer had bought it young, or inherited it somehow, meaning he’d lived there for maybe twenty years.

He wonders how long “most of his life” really means.

“Am I fired?” Meng Yao asks instead. A more practical question, and one to which he’s more likely to get an answer.

“Fired?”

“I… I betrayed you. I took someone here without your knowledge.”

Nie Huaisang blinks a few times, then laughs softly and comes to kneel before the chair, taking Meng Yao's hand. His skin his warm, his touch grounding, and Meng Yao, stupidly, wants him to never let go.

“Oh, A-Yao,” Ni Huaisang sighs, squeezing his hand. “Neither of us would ever know how to refuse Lan Xichen anything that he asks. How could I blame you for this? No, you’re not fired.”

Meng Yao lets out a deep exhale.

“I still can’t keep you around anymore,” Nie Huaisang adds, tilting his head slightly. It makes him look like a curious bird. He’d like the comparison, Meng Yao thinks in a panicked effort to not delve on what his former employer just said.

“I won’t betray you again,” he promises, grasping Nie Huaisang's hand tightly, as if that could keep him here.

“If Lan Xichen asks, you will. I don’t think he’ll ask, mind you,” Nie Huaisang says with a smile. “I haven’t seen him since that first life we all shared, and we didn’t part on good terms. You wouldn’t know, you were dead already, but I… well. He did not take kindly to being used as my weapon to kill you, to put it mildly. And now you’re in love with him again, in a world where… well, it’s easier to love him these days, isn’t it?”

“I’m not in love,” Meng Yao says, but the protest sounds hollow as it leaves his lips.

If he’s not in love with Lan Xichen, he’s more than halfway there already. Why else would he have betrayed Nie Huaisang, whom he does love, in spite of how stupid it is? Even without realising exactly what 'mister Shanzi' was, Meng Yao could tell there was something off about the man, something unnatural and dangerous. He's an idiot, though, and loved him all the more for it.

“I’m not in love just with him,” Meng Yao corrects, which startles Nie Huaisang. Good. Meng Yao isn’t quite as cruel as he was in that first life or some of the following ones, but he wouldn’t call himself kind either. If he must suffer, why shouldn’t others do too? “Take me with you. Wherever you’re going, take me with you.”

“No.”

“Do you really think Lan Xichen would still have anything to do with me, now that he remembers?” Meng Yao insists, rising from the chair. Nie Huaisang lets go of his hand and stands up as well, takes a few steps back as if putting distance between them will do anything. “It’s pointless to leave me behind. Take me with you.”

“No. You’re mortal,” Nie Huaisang sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You… I’m not doing that. I’m not involving myself with a mortal. I’ve seen what it does to people like me. I won’t… I can’t allow anything to destroy me like that. Not until I’ve found da-ge again, not until I’ve seen him safe and happy.”

Meng Yao nods, because he understands, because he’d give everything for a chance to see his mother again, would sacrifice anything just to make sure she’s happy. And still, he says again: “Take me with you.”

“No.”

“You’ll need an assistant. You need one. You're useless on your own. You suck at keeping track of appointments, and you still haven’t figured out social media, and… just that, just your assistant.”

“No.”

“I can keep things compartmentalised.”

“I can’t,” Nie Huaisang snaps. “I… I would have let you go soon, anyway,” he adds, more quietly, as if confessing a terrible secret. “You are… I got attached, more than planned. You’re good, in this life. I think the world is finally changing enough to allow you to exist and you’re… but it doesn’t matter. I was always going to let you go, it’s just happening sooner than I’d planned.”

“So I am fired.”

Nie Huaisang grimaces. For a moment, just a second, he looks exactly as old as he is. There’s an exhaustion in his eyes, so deep and ancient it is almost frightening to behold. Centuries after centuries of looking for the same person, of never finding him, of meeting instead his brother's murderer over and over and over again.

“You’re not fired,” Nie Huaisang tiredly insist. “I’m going to continue paying you until you find another job, and I’ll make sure the right people know you’re on the market again, if you want to stay in that line of work. I also don’t mind paying for any school you like. I’ll write you letters of recommendation, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re good even without me, but… but after today you won’t see me again. I just can’t risk it.”

“And if you found your brother again,” Meng Yao suggests, because unlike Nie Huaisang he’s good with new technology. If Nie Mingjue is alive somewhere, he can find him. He will find him. It can’t be a coincidence that Lan Xichen and him met like that, so maybe…

Nie Huaisang shrugs, and shakes his head.

“I’ll never stop looking for him. But I don’t think he’s coming back. I think the damage to his soul was too great, and it was just the end for him. I’ve got to keep looking, but I think there’s nothing to find. So I won’t make promises to you, Meng Yao. I’ll have that decency, at least.”

It’s funny, Meng Yao thinks, how little Nie Huaisang has changed since that first life. 

By which he means, Nie Huaisang is still the same dramatic asshole as he used to be, still so wrapped in his own problems that he doesn’t really care about the effect his decisions have on others, because he’s a Nie so of course he’s always right.

It used to drive Meng Yao grazy, in that first life, when he thought all Nie Huaisang had going for him was a good inheritance and a pretty face.

It still drives him crazy right now, when he knows Nie Huaisang is perfectly capable of being more than this, should he feel like it.

Before Meng Yao can insist, there is a knock on the door. They both startle, having half forgotten there are others with them in that house. Nie Huaisang looks panicked for a moment, but quickly gets himself under control. He probably guesses, as Meng Yao does, that it cannot be Lan Xichen, who surely would never reach out to either of them.

That guess turns out to be right. When Nie Huaisang goes to open the door, he finds Wei Wuxian there, who looks… not quite angry as such, but ready to be pushed there if anyone says the wrong thing.

“You still want us to take you away?” Wei Wuxian asks.

Nie Huaisang nods quickly, than shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling.

“Zewu-Jun can’t… If he's coming too...”

“He needs time to digest, and he says that one…” Wei Wuxian nods toward Meng Yao, who flinches on instinct “...called him a taxi, so he’ll make his own way home. Lots to think about. Did you fucking know, Huaisang?”

“Not until today, and I called you right away. You think I wouldn’t have told you, if I’d known? You think I’d have gone anywhere near him by choice?”

Wei Wuxian shrugs, in a manner that seems to imply he doesn’t really know what Nie Huaisang might do about anything.

“What about that one?” Wei Wuxian asks, nodding again toward Meng Yao.

Nie Huaisang shrugs. “He has his car. Wei-xiong, I just want to leave now. Please.”

They do leave. Wei Wuxian glances one last time at Meng Yao, but Nie Huaisang doesn’t look back as he exits the room.

Just like that, Meng Yao finds himself alone, with only paintings and a broken game console for company.

He allows himself a moment of sorrow because, and he can admit this to himself now that it no longer matters, he’d been hoping to spend the rest of his life with either Lan Xichen or Nie Huaisang. Both, if fate chose to be kind to him.

Fate has never chosen kindness, when it comes to him.

So Meng Yao dries his tears, and picks up that shattered console on the floor.

The paintings in this room are worthless to him. Over half are fakes, and even Nie Huaisang, who painted them, doesn’t always recognises just from looking what’s real and what’s not. But the console… well, there’s a guy who lives in Meng Yao’s building who’s made a business of buying broken electronics and either repairing them or scavenging them for parts.

Maybe Nie Huaisang really will continue paying him, or maybe he won’t, but Meng Yao hasn’t gotten where he is in life by counting on the kindness of others.

He’ll sell the console when he gets home.

[ladynestaarcheron]

Like Pristine Glass - Chapter Nine

ao3 - ff.net - masterpost

(tagging these cuties: @humanexile @skychild29 @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @candid-confetti ​ @rhysandsrightknee @missing-merlin @azriels-forgotten-shadow @books-and-cocos@sezkins79 @city-of-fae @someonemagical @dusty-lightbulb @messyhairday-me)

hello hello! so here i finally am with chapter nine of lpg!! thank you all so much for staying interested in my fic during my two month disappearance hiatus! i’ve said time and time again how this fandom has the greatest community of readers in the world and i absolutely mean it. love you all<3

and also, thank you so much to my fabulous beta @thestarwhowishes for her help!!

enjoy!!

----

October 30 - 4 years after

Nesta realizes, as she readies herself for the day, that while Cassian had just arrived, and Elain had sprung herself and then Feyre on her, this is the first time for her children that she knows they are going to be meeting people for the first time. She wears her own regular gown, a light grey shade with purple trim, but vaguely wonders if she should choose something special for her children.

It’s a ridiculous thought, of course. The children don’t need to make a good first impression. Her sisters will love them anyway. And that doesn’t matter either, because that’s not what this is about. It’s for her sisters’ benefit.

But...perhaps it would be nicer...if they wore some of their newer clothes today....

Gilameyvan clothes, of course. Nothing anyone would wear in the Night Court. And nothing properly fancy; they’re toddlers with a whole day ahead of them.

But new. Nice. Nicer than what they usually wear.

She doesn’t want to think why she chooses those outfits for them, but they’re smart and they notice. Nicky asks her, and Avery and Ollie look at her expectantly.

“We’re...going to the park to meet some new people today.”

“New neighbors?”

Nesta smiles. “Not everyone is our neighbor, Nicky.”

“Why not?”

“Go get your coats,” she says.

Her children don’t argue; their attention spans too short to ever register when she distracts them with the ever-alluring proposition of going outside.

But they still remember, and they ask her when they’re all out the door. “Are we going to the park to meet our new neighbors now?”

“They’re not neighbors, Nicky,” Ollie reminds him.

“Who are they?”

“They’re...” Nesta hesitates. “Your aunts.” She prays to the forgotten gods with all her might in that moment, that they won’t ask what an aunt is.

But they are three, and they never stop asking questions.

“What are aunts?” Avery says.

Nesta steels herself, taking a deep breath before opening her mouth to answer--but Ollie beats her to it.

“They’re Mummy’s sisters,” he says, and his voice is nonchalant and nothing in his step nor in his siblings’ change as they walk down the pavement.

But Nesta falters. “How...do you know that, Ollie?”

“Ollie’s very smart, Mummy,” Nicky says earnestly, and she can’t help but smile despite the burning feeling in her throat. She and her sisters may have not spoken for years, but her children love each other.

Avery says, “I think I’m smarter. But Ollie’s better at coloring.”

“I think we’re all very smart,” Nicky says.

“You are,” Nesta says, laughing a little.

And so once again she is spared from finding a way to answer a question she can’t. She knows her luck won’t last forever, but it’s good enough for now.

They chatter on mindlessly between themselves (mostly Avery and Nicky) and on the way to work, her mind wanders to Cassian and her sisters and back to Zeyn in Sugar Valley, leaving her so distracted she walks right into him.

He laughs, easy and familiar. “Head in the books?” he asks, teasing.

She tries to smile but can’t. “My sisters are coming to meet my children,” she says.

His grin falters. “Oh,” he says. He bites his lower lip, which is so odd to see him do, because it’s normally one of her quirks. “Is...Cassian...still here?”

“He’s...yes. He comes and goes.”

“Comes and goes,” he repeats.

“I mean, he tells me. He has to go and, you know...military business.” Nesta isn’t sure why she’s making excuses for him.

“Right.”

“We schedule it.”

“Right.”

“Zeyn,” she says. She reaches her hand out and takes his; squeezes it.

He squeezes back, and her insides clench along with it as guilt takes hold. On whose behalf, she isn’t sure.

“I just need to do what’s right for them,” she says softly. “You know I can’t...deny them anything.”

“Of course,” he says. And his tone and demeanor are understanding, but Nesta think she can see a glimmer of something in his eyes.

“He’s not...a bad male,” she says, hating how the whole conversation is going. “I wouldn’t let him know them if he were.”

“I know,” he says. And here his eyes are firm. “I know that more than anything you’re a loving mother. But Nesta...just make sure this is the right decision.”

His words echo Amorette’s and Adil’s and Miri’s and she still manages to hear something different each time.

----

November 16 - Year of

Over a month had passed since she had entered Illyria, and she had settled into a routine that she couldn’t quite call comfortable--it was Fae, after all--it was no longer painful.

She did not have to avoid her sisters or any of Feyre’s friends because they were not there, and she did not feel bad about ignoring her sisters letters (left on the kitchen counter for her by Cassian) because she was still too angry at them. No one in Illyria initiated conversation with her, but they had grown used to her presence. They were not comfortable around her either, but they no longer balked in the streets.

Cassian’s very presence still irritated her, obviously, but he did seem busy with whatever it was he had to do around the camps and did not spend so much time bothering her. In fact, he seemed content to continue that strange newfound civility between them and no longer stood at her door, alternating between begging and annoying and pleading. If she saw him in the morning or in the evening, he would ask her how work was going, if she would join him for a meal. She answered him the same every time.

She didn’t like it. She didn’t like ignoring everything but she knew she wouldn’t like the alternative either. The thing she still desired most of all was to disappear, for her life to be undone, to never have happened.

It was not a perfect second, but she was making do.

Perhaps the most peculiar part of this latest version of her life was the camaraderie she and her employer shared.

They did not share meals every day, but sometimes they did, and Emerie would walk Nesta at least part of the way back to Cassian’s house every evening. They didn’t always talk, but the silence wasn’t grating. It was easy. It was...fine.

Fine was a lot for Nesta. It had been a long while since she’d had fine.

One day, as Nesta was finishing up her bookkeeping for the day, Emerie said, “Are you coming tonight?”

Nesta looked up. Emerie never had too drastic an expression on her face, and her only tell that she was asking a question was her chin slightly jutted out and her right eyebrow slightly raised. “What?” she said.

“To the bonfires.”

“What bonfires?” Nesta said, and it was a mark of how she valued this shaky relationship and respected Emerie that she did not immediately say no, for Nesta hated bonfires. It was always too cold outside, but standing by the fires was too hot, and she hated the smell. And there were always little children running around, which made her anxious. A little boy in her village had once gotten monstrous burns on his face at the bonfires celebrating the Summer Solstice.

“It’s just to have them,” Emerie said. “Not really a holiday. There are separate bonfires for females.”

“What do they do?”

Emerie shrugged. “There are some females with fire magic. They make shapes in the flames. There’s music. Food.”

“Sounds delightful,” Nesta said flatly.

“You should come with me,” Emerie said. “There are smoked desserts.”

Nesta pursed her lips. She didn’t want to go, obviously, but...if Emerie was asking her....

“All right,” she said. “I’ll go with you.”

Emerie didn’t smile, but she nodded, and her expression looked a bit less severe.

---

October 30 - 4 years after

The day is over all too soon, and her children are clamoring to go to the park and meet her sisters from the moment she picks them up from nursery.

“I want to go right now!” Nicky says. “I don’t want to go home first!”

“We have to go home and eat first, Nicky,” Nesta repeats herself. “I don’t have any food with me.”

“We can take a snack to the park!”

“We can take a snack to the park, but we still have to go home and get the snack.”

“Why didn’t you bring the snack with you?”

“I came here from work.”

“Why?”

Nesta normally entertains Nicky’s why game, but she’s too anxious to today. Instead she says, “Let’s go, you three.”

“What are our neighbors’ names?” Nicky says.

“They’re not our neighbors, Nicky,” Avery reminds him.

“Why not?”

“Because they don’t live here!” Ollie says, rather suddenly. Nesta hides a smile. Perhaps she isn’t the only one who doesn’t feel like playing Nicky’s game.

“All right, let’s go,” she says, herding them along.

“What are their names, Mummy?” Avery says.

Nesta swallows. “Elain and Feyre.”

“Is Appa coming?” she asks.

“Maybe...but we’ll see him for dinner.”

“He’s not coming to the park?”

“Maybe, Nicky.”

“Don’t ask why again!” Ollie says. He sounds almost angry.

Nesta looks down at him in surprise.

“Ollie, what’s wrong?”

“He’s always asking why about everything and I don’t like it!” Ollie starts tugging on his golden brown hair with his fists.

“All right,”  Nesta says, gently taking his hands. “Avery, Nicky, why don’t you go ahead? Not too far.”

She ushers them along and picks Ollie up into her arms. “Hey,” she says to him softly. “What’s wrong.”

Ollie won’t meet her eyes. He shrugs and tries to twist away, but she holds him firmly.

“Did something happen at nursery today?”

“No.”

“Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Are you tired?”

“No.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want a nap before going to the park?”

Ollie shrugs again, but his eyes start to blur with angry tears.

“Oh, Ollie,” she says, hugging him close to her. She strokes his hair. “What’s wrong, my angel?”

“I don’t know!” he sobs. “I don’t want to go to the park.”

Nesta shifts him so she can see his face as she begins to understand. “You don’t want to go to the park or you don’t want to meet your aunts?”

He shrugs again.

“Why don’t you want to meet them?” Her heart skips a beat. “Do you...are you sad you met Appa?” She’s almost too scared to ask.

“No,” he says quietly, and exhales in relief.

“What’s the problem?”

Ollie rubs his eyes and says quietly, “I don’t want you to go.”

Nesta frowns. “Go?” she says. “Where do you think I’m going to go?”

Ollie’s eyes well up with tears again. “I don’t know!” he says. “You’re going to go and leave us with Appa and our new aunts.”

“Oh, Ollie,” she says, bringing him closer to her again.

“Like how you leave us with Amorette sometimes,” he says, slightly muffled.

“Just for a few hours, angel,” she says. “I’m never going to leave you for more than that.” She puts him down and crouches so that she’s eye level with him. “I know it’s...a lot of new people you’re meeting.” She brushes hair out of his eyes and wipes his cheeks. “But I’m still your mummy and your still my baby and at the end of every day, I’m going to be the one to tuck you into bed...all right?”

“Do you promise?” he says tearfully.

Nesta smiles at him. “I promise.” She kisses him on his forehead. “Let’s go catch up to your brother and sister, all right?”

She takes his hand and leads him forward to the end of the pavement were Avery and Nicky are waiting. Avery takes her other hand and Nicky takes Ollie’s.

“Do your eyes hurt, Ollie?” Nicky says sympathetically.

“No.”

“Not anymore?”

“No.”

Her sons keep their hands linked even when they reach they pavement again, and chatter amongst themselves, and so she says to Avery, “How was your day?”

“Good, I played with Emilia and Zehra outside and then I went back inside and....”

Before long they are at home again and she’s packing snacks for the park while they play in the living room, and then there’s a knock on the door.

“I want to open it!” Nicky cries and rushes towards it. She can hear him open it and laugh as Cassian walks in and lifts him up.

They clamber around him and he herds them into the kitchen. “Hey,” he says, walking in and setting Nicky down. “Ready to go?”

Nesta slips the bag she’s packed over her shoulder and keeps her expression blank and voice cool. “Ready. Go get your coats,” she tells her children, and they dash outside.

Cassian steps closer to her. “Nesta,” he says. “I...really appreciate--”

“Let’s just go,” she interrupts. The sooner this is over the sooner her heart rate can go back to normal.

Or not. But one can hope.

---

November 3 - 1 year after

Sorting through the books and dusting the shelves proved a harder task than keeping books for Emerie, because Emerie at least tried to keep her shop neat. The staff at Sugar Books clearly made no such effort.

There was no system, which Nesta knew must have affected sales, because people didn’t come into a shop for any book; they wanted something specific. And if there was no aisle for their preferred genre, and they didn’t have the time to sift through the mess to find what they wanted....

So even though it was not strictly Nesta’s job, she found herself drawn to sales. She’d try and figure out how much they were spending on books and how much they were making, but she didn’t yet know enough to guess and she wasn’t familiar enough with the marketing people to ask.

It was...enjoyable, she guessed, to just try and figure it out. She missed working with numbers.

Dusting was easily the worst part of her job. It had always been her least favorite chore and there seemed to be so much of it to do. On every shelf, between every book, even inside some of them.

But the highlight of her day, her distraction that she still had not received her sisters’ reply and everything she had left behind, and the reason she was most excited for the job was the reading. She had not been around so many books in over a year, and she had missed it terribly. There were so many things she had not yet read.

So whenever she could, in between dusting and jotting out ideas for sales, she’d pick out something that looked interesting enough and start reading. Adil had helped her set up a bank account and she was going to be staying at the inn until she could afford to rent an apartment (the female at the bank had set her up on a payment plan), and it was rather strict, so she knew she wasn’t able to afford any books now. But she had a list of some she’d like to buy, one day. Perhaps in a year or so, when she was already living properly on her own, and had started paying off the inn.

She was reading one such book, in a quiet corner of the shop, when one of the less pleasant aspects of working at Sugar Books appeared and interrupted her.

“Hi, Nesta!” chirped Zeyn. “What are you reading? Is that a J.M. Polister? He’s good, but I like his sister more. They’re twins. Twin writers, isn’t that something?”

Nesta gritted her teeth. “Hello, Zeyn,” she said, closing her book.

He grinned, his brown eyes twinkling. “Am I annoying you?” he said, laughing. “Sorry. I know you don’t like when I talk so much.”

Nesta never knew what to say when he said things like that. She never really knew what to say to the people in Sugar Valley in general. They were all so...nice. She wasn’t used to it.

“Oh, not at all,” she said. “I’ve got to go back to work.”

“Dusting? Let me help you.”

“No,” she said firmly. Then she said, “You have your own work to do.”

Zeyn said, “Oh...you’re right. I’ll come help you dust later. It’s not fair to make you do it all.”

“I’m being paid,” she said.

He laughed and walked away.

He did that often. Laughed at things she said.

He wasn’t horrible, but he was...irritating. No, not even irritating. Not in the way he used to irritate her. Just...slightly bothersome. Someone she could do without. A bit of a pest. But harmless, on the whole.

Nesta didn’t have time for harmless. Not right now. Perhaps...one day...if she ever felt that way again....

She didn’t think she would. She had another male’s mark on her, like it had been branded into her soul and the thought of ever being with anyone else sickened her to her core and she didn’t think she’d ever be able to stomach it.

This was a different pain than before. When she had been with all those males before, it had been, at first, in anger. Having meaningless sex to prove she could. Whom exactly she was proving it to, she wasn’t sure.

After that, it wasn’t exactly power she had found in it. But it was more proof. Proof she owned her body, proof it was still hers, even if it was different. Reclaiming herself.

Sometimes it was just to do something.

But then she’d ruined that outlet, by having sex that was by no stretch of the imagination meaningless. And now she thought that every time she felt a hand on her, she’d think of him, and it’d hurt.

So she did not encourage the irritating deer-satyr male. She honestly didn’t like him that much, anyway.

Even if he did bring her coffee sometime.

---

October 30 - 4 years after

Elain and Feyre are waiting for them at the park when they arrive.

Cassian can’t tell what Nesta’s thinking the whole way there. She keeps her face normal, or what normal is for her around the children. It’s still so odd to see her so...happy. Even during those few months between them, when they were...even then she was reserved.

But she is quick to smile. The triplets don’t see her upset, he doesn’t think.

He’s good at keeping his expression schooled how he wants it to, of course. So grins easily, swings Ava and Ollie’s hands as the walk.

But on the inside, his stomach is flipping around. It’s like everyday with his children and Nesta is better than the last, but harder, too.

This is so important. It has to go well.

Elain leaps up when she sees them. Feyre stands up after her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Are those are neighbors?” Nicky says.

“Aunts, Nicky.”

Nicky only laughs. “They look like Mummy!”

Cassian’s eyes dart to Nesta, but her expression has not changed.

“Hi,” Elain says softly, when they reach them. She looks at Nesta and then Cassian and then crouches down, so she is eye-level with the children. Ollie shrinks into Nesta’s leg. “I’m Elain.”

“And I’m Feyre,” Feyre says, joining Elain on her knees.

“You look like Mummy!” Nicky says again, sounding delighted.

Feyre and Elain look up at him, and his lips quirk upwards. “He says you look like Nesta.”

“You must be Nicky,” Elain says, smiling at him. “And you’re Avery...and you’re Ollie.”

Cassian watches Ollie clutch Nesta harder. She bends down and cradles him close to her.

“Why don’t you go and play?” she tells the other two.

Feyre, Elain, and he look towards Nesta. “You can join them,” she says. “Ollie and I are going to sit on the bench for a bit.”

They watch Nesta go and have a whispered conversation with Ollie. She peppers kisses on his forehead here and there.

“She loves him so much,” Feyre says, her voice so faint he doesn’t think she realizes she spoke aloud.

“They’re so beautiful,” Elain says. “I...is Ollie okay?”

“He’s a bit shy,” he says. “I’m sure that’s it. Come, let’s...why don’t you two join Ava and Nicky?” Because he’s not sure Ollie’s fine and he wants to sit down with him, too.

“What, just go and...?”

“Just join them over there,” Cassian says. “Help them on the slides. Or the swings. Climb up in with them. Ava will probably tell you what to do.” He smiles and nods at them encouragingly. He guesses they’re feeling about as nervous as he was the first time he played with them.

He sits down next to Nesta on the bench. “Hi, Ollie,” he says.

Ollie peaks out from Nesta’s neck. “Hi,” he says, his voice tiny and matching Nesta’s accent.

“Do you know, your Aunt Feyre can fly too?”

Ollie looks up at Nesta and she nods at him. “It’s true. She can.”

“Do you want to show her how fast you can fly?”

Ollie shrugs. He still has not let go of Nesta, and he feels a rush of gratitude towards her--she does not rush him, does not make him do things he is scared of, and then he feels scared, because what if he is afraid forever? He won’t love him any less, but what will happen to him? His world is terrifying; what if Ollie can’t ever be a part of it? Assuming this goes well, assuming Nesta lets. And dear Mother, what if this doesn’t go well? What if--?

“Why don’t we all go?” Nesta says, cutting into his spiraling train of thought. “I think Avery and Nicky want you to come play with them.”

Indeed, Ava looks completely content to command her aunts around, but Nicky has turned to call Ollie’s name.

Ollie mumbles his assent and they stand and walk over to where the rest of their party is.

“Ollie, come stand over here,” Ava says. “Behind me.”

“You ready to go?” Nesta whispers to him. “All right, then.” She sets him down and he climbs to Ava.

“What was wrong?” he says to Nesta.

“Later,” she says, under her breath. She is watching them all intently, eyes darting between her sisters and her children.

Elain seems thrilled, eagerly participating in whatever game Ava has created for them, though she clearly cannot understand half of what she says. Feyre seems more anxious but plays along as well. Briefly, Cassian wonders if she and Rhys have spoken of children, if they are trying or if they want any soon. He sees a vivid vision in his mind’s eye of sharing a Solstice morning with gifts and food in the riverfront home in Velaris, Nesta at his side and Feyre and Rhys and half a dozen children running around and his heart lurches. It’s a scene from one of Nesta’s human books, where people have cousins and big houses and--

He cuts himself off. He needs to get a grip on himself; this is getting ridiculous.

“They’re having fun,” he tells Nesta.

“Hmm,” she says, non-committal.

He hides a grin: it is going well. Nesta does not intervene, she only watches them, and he decides to stand by her side. She doesn’t mention anything about that, either, but she doesn’t push him away and she doesn’t leave herself.

His thoughts turn to the male. Zeyn. He’s in love with her, but is Nesta in love with him?

It doesn’t matter. That...that’s not what he’s here for.

Isn’t it, though? some wry voice inside his head says. Isn’t that exactly what you’re here for?

The sun has nearly sunk out of the sky when Nesta calls, “All right, five minute warning.”

“I’m going to run all the way over there!” Nicky yells back. He shoots off to the other side of the park and Ava follows, holding Ollie’s hand.

Elain laughs. She and Feyre rejoin them.

“Well!” she says. “That’s quite a workout they gave me! Are they always like that?”

“Like what?” Nesta says, voice cool.

“You know,” Elain waves her hand. “Energetic.”

“They’re three.”

“We didn’t mean in a bad way,” Feyre says. “We just...we haven’t been around children.”

“Well, that’s how three-year-olds are.”

“We know. Well. Now we know.”

Feyre looks at Cassian. He wishes she wouldn’t--he knows she doesn’t expect or want him to think of her as his High Lady in a situation such as this one, but it’s in his blood and he can’t help it.

But Nesta at his side is in his blood too. They know all too well what happened last time with both of them on either side and no one wants a repeat of that.

Luckily, Elain speaks again. “Do you play with them, too, Nesta?”

Or perhaps unluckily.

“Of course I do,” she says through gritted teeth.

“No, no,” Elain says hurriedly. “I meant, at the park. I just--because you didn’t--here, I mean--”

“They are  perfectly sociable,” Nesta says, clearly struggling to keep her voice normal. “Where do you think they learned that?”

“No, I’m sure, I just...I only meant...” Elain looks to Feyre for help.

“Oh, well, we don’t remember you ever liking to play outside when we were little,” Feyre says.

Cassian winces. That was the wrong response.

It’s easier for Nesta to be cold with Feyre than it is with Elain. “You’re aware of the fact that I’m their mother?” she says, her tone icy.

Elain pales.

“Of course,” Feyre says quickly. “We weren’t--just, we don’t really think of you--”

“Well, you’ve not known me as a mother, have you?” Nesta says, and her voice grows higher-pitched as she talks, like it always does when she’s angry.

“No--that came out wrong--we’re sure--we know you’re--”

“Please Nesta,” Elain begs. “This went so well, we had so much fun, please don’t...”

“Don’t what?”

Feyre and Elain fall silent. They look lost, Feyre searching Nesta’s face wildly, as if she can read the right thing to say on it.

But Cassian knows. The best course of action to take with Nesta is to stay quiet.

For a moment, he thinks they won’t say anything. They’ll part ways slightly upset, but Nesta will hear the children chatter about how they had fun and they’d like to play with their aunts again and she’d let them. Perhaps a bit bitter, but they would have more time to work at that.

And then Feyre blurts out, “It’s just odd to think of you as Mother.”

Her faces bleaches, and Cassian knows she regrets it as soon as she says it.

Nesta had told him of their mother. That was the exact wrong thing to say.

“Nesta, wait, I didn’t mean--”

“We’re leaving,” she says immediately, marching over to call back the children.

“Oh...shit, I didn’t mean--”

“Why would you say that--”

“I’m sorry, Elain, I didn’t mean--gods, Cassian, you’ll tell her?--oh, I know I--I didn’t mean it, I swear, she just looks so much like her! And watching her stand over there--”

“You shouldn’t have said anything!” Elain says, angrier than he’s ever heard her. 

“I know, I didn’t mean it!” Feyre looks as though she’s about to cry. “I know she’s...I mean...I’m sure...”

Cassian rubs his face. “All right,” he says. “I will...I will go and....”

“I’m sorry, Cassian,” Feyre says miserably.

“I know,” he says, voice heavy.

“I’m an idiot,” she says. “I...I’m so sorry. Tell her...at least tell her to let Elain see them again.”

“I’ll...let you know,” he says. “I’ll...I’ll...I’ll see you.”

He doesn’t linger to hear Elain berate Feyre anymore or Feyre’s apologies. He knows Feyre regrets it and he’s sure Nesta does too, but with Nesta, that’s not the point. The point is doing the wrong thing in the first place.

He can’t begrudge Feyre, though. And he hopes Nesta will forgive that, because if she doesn’t, then, well...what prayer does he have or her forgiving him?

---

November 16 - Year of

Nesta wrapped her cloak tighter around her, wrinkling her nose at the smell of the fires. She’s far enough away that she can’t make out the words of the young girls watching the shapes some of the older females are making in the flames, but she could hear their laughter.

“Here,” Emerie said, appearing at her side and thrusting a steaming bowl towards her. “It’s...smoked hazelnut.”

“How do you say hazelnut in Illyrian?” she asked, taking it from her.

“Luz,” she replied. “Come by the fire.”

They walked side-by-side, closer to the gaggles of young girls, and, sitting down, Emerie said, “Can you see the colors?”

“What?”

“In the flames,” she said, gesturing. “The white.”

And she could see, the white that tinted purple and blue deeper in the pits. “It’s fire,” Nesta said.

“There’s a story,” Emerie said.

Nesta had always loved stories. She didn’t say anything; merely looked on.

“It is said there was an Illyrian female,” she said, “who one day grew tired with her people and stole magic from the fires of her camp. When the people found out, they threw her in the pits, but the fire resisted burning her. Her bones are still inside. That’s what makes the flames white.”

Nesta was quiet for a moment. “That’s a horrible story. And you don’t tell it well.”

“If it’s such a horrible story, why does it matter how well I tell it?”

“You could have made it better.”

“These mountains are too cold to grant every female a happy ending.”

“A story doesn’t need a happy ending to be good,” Nesta said, “but you might have drawn it out a bit more. Spoke of her magic. You might have at least given her a name.”

“She has no name,” Emerie said. “Like you said, it’s fire. It’s white. She never existed.”

“Then why did you tell me the story?”

Emerie shrugged slightly. “It was told to me.”

They are quiet for a few minutes.

Nesta broke it first. “It has potential. A fire witch...whose spirit lingers on.”

“Are you a storyteller, then?”

“No,” Nesta said. Long ago, she had told her sisters stories before bed, or on rainy days, but so many years ago...she doubted Feyre even remembered. “I like to read.”

“Here, that’s more or less the same.”

“There’s no library or bookstore here.”

“There’s no need.”

“What makes you a warrior race?”

Now Emerie was quiet. “Just how things are.”

Nesta ate some of her luz. It didn’t sit quite right with her. She didn’t know why.

---

October 30 - 4 years later

Cassian is waiting for her in the living room. He leaps up from his seat when she enters. She ignores him and walks past him into the kitchen.

“Nesta,” he says, following her. “I--I know that didn’t...I know it didn’t go well.”

Nesta bites her tongue. She feels as though she is about to burst. She’s feeling so much, she doesn’t even know what she is feeling.

“Do you...understand...what my children are to me?”

“Yes--”

“Do you understand what I have sacrificed for them?”

“Yes, Nes--”

“No, you don’t! You think you can just waltz in here, come and go back to Velaris as you please, while I stay and--do you know what every day is like? It is not two hours at the park. You haven’t seen them sick. You haven’t seen any of them throw a tantrum! You haven’t seen them cry!” To her horror, as she says the words, Nesta can feel her own eyes start to burn--and is that something silver shining in Cassian’s, as well? “You have no idea, and you have no right--”

“I know, Nesta--”

“I am a good mother--”

“Nesta, I know! I’m sorry! I--you’re right; they shouldn’t have come.”

Nesta has opened her mouth to say more, but she promptly closes it. She wasn’t expecting him to say that. If she’s entirely honest with herself...she’s not quite sure she even believes her own words.

“And I...I stand by you, on your decisions,” he says, his voice weak. “I just...I want to be in your lives.”

He takes a step closer as Nesta starts to move back, but he takes her hands and pulls her closer to him. She doesn’t move away.

“Please, Nesta,” he says. “I’m sorry...for rushing this...you were right, this was...bad timing. Please don’t send me away, too.”

Nesta looks away. “I’m not going to send you away,” she says, and her voice is soft. “I want you to be with them.”

He looses a shaky breath. “All right. All right. Good. Thank you. That’s...all right.”

He doesn’t let go of her hands and Nesta doesn’t pull away. She slowly moves her eyes back to his face.

He catches her gaze and locks her in. “We’ll take a step back,” he says. “My...endgame...hasn’t changed. I still hope that you’ll want the same one day. But...on your time. I know you’re a good mother. I know...I trust you with them.”

She once might’ve picked a fight at his word choice, but she finally admits to herself: she does want to be a single functioning unit. Where their children are concerned, of course. So she instead she pulls her hands away and starts walking out of the kitchen and says, “You can...sleep in the guest room, if you’d like.”

He can’t stay forever, she knows. He’s not going to stop being the General Commander. She doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to stay; not this time and not any other times in the future. She doesn’t even know if he can be able to come at any set pattern. There’s only one way to ensure that, and she refuses to think about it.

So she’ll take what he can give them. At least for now.

---

Chapter Ten

[mrs-berry]

AU Day

By mrs_berry

Read it on AO3!

Part 6 of ML Love Square Week 2020

@lovesquarefluffweek

Summary: Marinette is just too damn short to reach what she needs at the grocery store. Classic short people problems... how will Marinette solve this one?

Word Count: 2245

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marinette always prided herself on being independent.

She had been single for most of her life, only having had two boyfriends, neither of which worked out. However, she was glad those had at least ended on amicable terms.

She really did enjoy the single life, though, and while she wouldn't mind a boyfriend (and, hopefully, one day a husband), there was one thing she truly hated about being single.

She hated being short and having no one to help her reach things at the grocery store!

Perhaps that was a silly reason to hate being single, but Marinette couldn't deny the awful truth of it.

Especially as she was currently being reminded of it at this very moment.

Try as she might, even as she stood on her tippy toes, she just could not reach the damn vanilla extract (and the last one, by the look of it) that she wanted to purchase for her desserts.

One time, she had even tried wearing 7-inch heels to see if that would help her dilemma with reaching grocery items.

It did not.

(It actually made things a lot worse as she nearly broke her ankles and tripped every few seconds.)

Was it really too much to ask that the shelves not be so tall? Or for there to be a step ladder nearby? Or for there to be a store clerk available at all times for short people like her?

Did the people who designed grocery stores hate short people?

Whatever the reason for the high shelving, Marinette was bitter and found it very discriminatory against vertically-challenged people.

As she continued hopping and trying to climb the shelves, she grew more and more frustrated.

It certainly didn't help that she was upset with her employer and had just had a day from hell.

Just as she was pretty sure she was about to reach it, a masculine hand appeared from behind her and plucked the very item she had been pining for.

She quickly spun around to scold the thief.

"Hey, that was mine!" she remarked accusatorily, pouting angrily.

Suddenly, she realized she was staring at a broad chest instead of a face.

Craning her neck up, she was faced with an extraordinarily handsome blond fella.

He was so dreamy, she was pretty sure he'd be appearing in her dreams tonight whether she wanted him to or not.

Still, supermodel or whatever, she was not forgiving him just because of his good looks.

The green-eyed Adonis chuckled awkwardly (and stared at her adorable expression) for a moment before explaining.

"Sorry, I was just trying to help you. It looked like you needed a hand," he said as he offered her the vanilla extract.

The outrage immediately dissipated and a smile instantly replaced her frown.

"Oh, well, thank you," she replied, embarrassed by her previous assumption and outburst. Somewhat shyly, she accepted the bottle from his hand. "Sorry for my rudeness. I was just... a little bit stressed."

"That's okay, I'm sorry I snuck up on you like that and helped you without asking if even wanted my help," he smiled and rubbed his neck a bit sheepishly.

"Oh, well, I forgive you," Marinette said. "And I'm sure if you hadn't gotten me on a day where Mr. Agreste gave me an earful, then I probably would have reacted a lot less dramatically. He's a brilliant designer, but he doesn't have the greatest attitude."

"Oh. Are you talking about Gabriel Agreste?" the man asked, his expression indifferent.

"Yes, that's him. He's truly something. I've always wanted to work with him. But I'm having some regrets about it. He is so difficult to work with. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit and try to make a brand on my own," Marinette rambled. "But I'm just worried that I will fail and end up jobless and homeless. Well, I guess I wouldn't be homeless, since my parents said their home is always my home. But still, what 25-year-old would want to go back to their parents? Not me, that's for sure. I love them, but I want to live my own life and be independent."

Marinette suddenly became aware that she was chatting his ears off. She did tend to prattle on and on when she was nervous. And, boy, did this man make her nervous.

The blond just smiled sweetly at her, not interrupting her or even looking fed up. Still, Marinette felt a little guilty making him listen to a complete stranger.

"I'm sorry, here I am ranting to you and we don't even know each other's names. I'm Marinette," she introduced and offered a handshake.

"Nice to meet you, Marinette." He gently grasped her hand, and then bowed down and gently brushed his lips against her knuckles. "I'm Adrien. And no need to apologize. I was quite enjoying your life story, Princess."

Marinette's eyes widened and she felt her cheeks burn at the kiss and nickname. And seeing him more up close, he looked even more beautiful and... oddly familiar.

"H-Hi Adrien... um, has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like Gabriel Agreste's son?" she observed innocently, not at all thinking that it was, in fact, Gabriel's son.

(Because that would be an awful coincidence.)

Adrien smiled wryly, then looked down as if he was trying to avoid her stare.

"I have heard that before," he admitted with a shrug.

"I'm not surprised. You could be his doppelgänger," she mused.

He sighed, figuring he probably shouldn't lie to this very honest stranger who was quite attractive.

"Or... I could actually be him."

"Hmm, I would believe it," she murmured. Then, something clicked in her mind and she gasped. "Wait a second, your name is Adrien? And Gabriel's son's name is Adrien... oh my goodness, you're Adrien Agreste, aren't you?"

Adrien laughed awkwardly and nodded. He always hated when people recognized him. They usually started acting very differently around him once they learned who he was and who he was related to.

"Wow, I'm so sorry. I just bad mouthed your father. What I said was true, but I shouldn't have said it to you. I'm so sorry for being such a jerk!" Marinette groaned, covering her face with her hands, as she freaked out over how horrible this whole meeting was going.

Adrien must hate her. She accused him of being a food thief, then rambled on and on about herself, not to mention she insulted his father!

She was never going to be able to show her face at this grocery store again. She would probably need to move cities just to ensure she would never accidentally encounter him again.

She was startled to hear him laughing again. Did she say something funny?

"Actually, it's refreshing to hear some honesty for once. Usually anyone within my hearing distance only sings him—and me—praises. It's kind of tiring being around fake people who lie to get on my good side," he reassured her. "I like you, Marinette. You seem like a good and honest person."

Marinette peeked at him between her fingers.

"Really?" she timidly asked.

"Really, really." He winked. "Hey, if you're interested, maybe we could get a coffee together?"

Marinette felt herself flush. Was this handsome son-of-her-boss really asking her out?

Removing her hands from her face, she tucked a hair behind her ear and clutched her purse nervously.

"I'd love to."

They exchanged numbers and adoring stares.

"Hey, um, there's a few other things I couldn't reach. Would you mind...?"

"I'd be more than happy to offer you my services again, My Lady. Just lead the way," he said, giving her a 'lady's first' gesture.

Marinette giggled, then made her way to other parts of the store.

As they walked, they chatted some more.

"So, Adrien, what brings you to this grocery store? I've never seen you here before."

"Well, to be honest, up until now I've had staff who cooked my meals. But recently, I grew tired of it. I want to do things by myself and do what I want to do. So, I finally quit my modeling job that my father forced me to have, found a different job elsewhere, and moved into an apartment that I chose for myself. So, I'm completely new to this area. And new to buying groceries. And new to cooking... and new to mostly everything that comes with being an independent adult," he explained. It was a little embarrassing to admit how helpless he was after being coddled (trapped) for years under his father's strict care, but Marinette did not seem to be judgmental so he felt safe divulging this information.

Marinette paused as she pointed to the next high-up item that she needed.

Adrien stepped closer to her to grab the item.

Marinette mutely gasped at their close proximity.

He smelled so good.

Her brain short-circuited for a moment and then she shook her head to regain focus.

He offered her the can he grabbed off the shelf.

"Thanks again for your help," she smiled sweetly, taking the can of soup that she had been trying to reach last time she went grocery shopping. "And it sounds tough. If I may speak frankly, I know firsthand how difficult your father can be, so I'm glad you were able to move out and make your own decisions. If you need any help—any at all—you can always ask me. I've been on my own for years and I love it. But it can be a little bit... lonely sometimes, so I'd be happy to have you over and give you some pointers. Uh, but only if you want to, of course!"

Marinette blushed again at her boldness. This man was still basically a stranger and she was already inviting him over to her place. It was as if all sense and reason flew out the window when it came to Adrien.

"Thank you, Marinette. That is so thoughtful and means a lot to me. Hopefully, after we get to know each other a little more, I can take you up on that offer," he replied with a grateful smile.

Marinette wondered how anyone could be so considerate, sweet, good at listening, and attractive at the same time. If her first impression was anything to go on, Adrien was husband material. He was so sensitive, easy to talk to, honest, kind, generous, helpful and understanding towards others... not to mention a total dreamboat...

"Do you need anything else?" Adrien asked, abruptly snapping Marinette out of her daydream.

"Oh! N-No I have everything now, thank you," she stammered, embarrassed to have been entirely lost in thought about a man she just met. "What about you, require any assistance with dinner tonight?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I have everything I need for a recipe I am trying out tonight," he said proudly as they made their way towards the checkout.

"Is that right? Are you considering becoming a chef?" Marinette quipped.

She gave the cashier a quick and friendly greeting as she began placing her items on the cashier belt. Adrien helped her and then placed the few food items he had picked up on the belt as well.

"Hmm, who knows what the future holds for me now?" Adrien pondered sombrely, but with a forced smile so as not to worry Marinette. The future held so many unknowns now that he had fled from his father's cage. He would need to do a lot of thinking and planning to decide where exactly to go from here.

"Well, I'm sure you would make an amazing chef," Marinette reassured cheerfully, taking notice of his clearly fake smile. Finished scanning the groceries, the cashier told Marinette her total and she paid with a quick tap of her debit card. "I bet with some practice, a little guidance, and a lot of diligence, you could be anything you put your mind to!" She winked.

"With that level of support, how could I not?" Adrien chuckled, feeling encouraged by Marinette.

Marinette giggled distractedly in response as she began clumsily struggling to pack all her food into her reusable grocery bags. Adrien took the opportunity to help her, which she was grateful for.

After they finished packing her purchases, Marinette came to the unfortunate conclusion that she might have bought a little more than she could comfortably carry.

Seeing Marinette's slight predicament, Adrien offered gently, "Do you need any help bringing those to your apartment?"

"Oh, well I—wouldn't—oof—want to bother—ugh—you," Marinette spoke between groans as she tried lifting all of her heavy bags.

Yeah, she was basically screwed if she tried to do this on her own. But she didn't want him to feel forced to help her.

"It's not a problem at all," Adrien laughed, tapping his credit card after the cashier gave him his total. "I can help bring the bags to your car, then I can follow you to your apartment to help bring them inside. If that's okay with you, of course."

"Thank you, that would be a huge help," Marinette responded appreciatively and a little sheepishly, picking up some of her bags.

Once Adrien had loaded his bags onto his muscular arms, as well as the rest of hers, they made their way out to the parking lot.

One thing was for certain about that night: Adrien would definitely be appearing in Marinette's dreams!

[emma-what-son]

Exclusive: Emma Watson On Why She’s Joining Kering’s Board Of Directors

Vogue June 2020: The actor tells Vogue her hopes to create a more sustainable future for the fashion industry — and how the pandemic has given her a chance to reflect on how she can create meaningful change away from the screen. 

Here, we caught up with Watson to find out more about her new role at Kering and what sustainable fashion means to her.

Why did you decide to take up this new role at Kering?

“As the Covid-19 crisis has shown, sustainability is an urgent issue which closely aligns to questions of justice and equality for women, black, indigenous and people of colour, and the environment. The work Kering is doing [in advancing sustainability in fashion] feels more vital than ever and I am extremely grateful to be able to join these efforts, putting my support behind a group who are demonstrating they take this responsibility seriously.  

“I look forward to helping Kering further accelerate the pace [of its] work, building upon what it’s already doing. I am also extremely excited to collaborate with Kering’s women’s rights foundation. I’m always just excited to learn.”

Why is sustainability in fashion so important to you?

“I’ve been interested in sustainability in fashion ever since I had to properly engage with it during my time of junkets and promotional tours for Harry Potter. That started as early as 12. At school, I took a specific interest in Fair Trade fashion and renewable energy sources under the supervision of a really inspiring geography teacher. This eventually led to a trip to Bangladesh in 2010 with sustainable brand People Tree.

“It became clear to me then that sustainability in fashion is a critical issue given how the industry can have damaging impacts on the environment, on workers’ rights, and on animal welfare. It is also a feminist issue. It’s estimated around 80 per cent of the world’s garment workers are women aged between 18 and 35.

“At this unprecedented time in history, we have big decisions to make and actions to take in how we positively reinvent and reconfigure what we do and how we do it. It genuinely feels like an exciting time to have this opportunity when things might shift. So, for example, when I saw last year that Kering announced the group would become carbon neutral within its own operations and across its entire supply chain, with a priority of first avoiding, then reducing, then offsetting greenhouse gas emissions, I noticed!”

There are lots of different ideas about what sustainability actually means. What does it mean to you?

“I understand sustainability as the interrelationship between society and community, the economy and the environment. Issues of justice, fairness, and equality are key to what sustainability means — whether we’re talking about environmental justice and the fashion industry’s impact on our planet, or workers’ rights and the impact on families’ abilities to support themselves.”

How does this new role at Kering connect with other work you’ve been doing?

“During this pandemic, like many of us, I have had time to reflect on the work I want to be involved with and what is meaningful to me moving forward. Having been so public in making films and being so active on social platforms in my activism, I am curious to embrace a role where I work to amplify more voices, to continue to learn from those with different experiences (from garment workers to designers to company directors), and to ensure a broader range of perspectives are considered. Behind the scenes now, I hope I can be helpful in making a difference.

“If people notice a new quietness from me, it does not mean I am no longer there or do not care! I will just be doing my work in a different way (fewer red carpets and more conference meetings!) This is a unique moment in time and I intend to embrace the opportunity it presents for change. As my friend [artist and scholar] Dr Fahamu Pecou says — this work is a relay marathon, not a sprint, and I know I want to be in this for the long run and in the right place when it’s time to run my relay.

“Last year, I was part of the G7 Gender Equality Advisory Council convened by President Macron, and while our recommendations were directed at states, without question, businesses play a hugely important role in driving change. So I hope to find ways to ensure that fashion companies can use their power to help create a more just and equal society for people of all genders.

“As part of the TIME’S UP movement, we’ve campaigned hard to ensure that all workplaces are safe places for women. Having heard horrific stories of abuse and intimidation from within many industries, I’m keen to ensure that workers across the fashion supply chain can do their jobs free from fear and intimidation, and that new policy developments like the International Labour Organisation’s Violence and Harassment Convention are felt on the ground in factories and on shop floors. Many of the organisations I’ve supported over the years work with garment workers, women farmers, and others in the textile trade, and I hope to share what I’ve learnt from these voices in my new role.

“I’ve worked a lot with domestic violence charities here in the UK and beyond, and during the Covid-19 lockdown, calls to these services in many countries have seen a sharp increase. So I’m also really keen to work with Kering’s foundation to see how we can meet the challenges that organisations working on gender-based violence are facing in these difficult times.”

Are there particular issues within the fashion industry that concern you?

“There are so many, from the ways that fashion marketing can affect body image issues in young girls to levels of water pollution by denim brands.

“Covid-19 has obviously had a huge impact on the demand for clothing and it concerns me that not all companies are acting responsibly towards factories and workers in these challenging times, with many cancelling orders or demanding price reductions for clothes that are already being made. Happily, Kering has honoured all of its commitments during the pandemic.

“In the present moment, brands have rushed to show their solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, but we need to ensure that this is not rhetoric and that the industry gets its house in order with regard to representation and inclusion. There are still huge issues with employment discrimination, issues with how black talent is represented in leadership and creative roles, how black people are depicted in marketing materials and the fashion media and so on.

“So yes, there are lots of concerning issues, but it feels like there is a real opportunity for uncomfortable conversations, radical decision-making and lasting systemic change — whether that’s in relation to environmental sustainability or racial justice. 2020 has been tough so far for so many people, and there’s a lot of talk about ‘going back to normal’. But it’s increasingly clear that ‘normal’ wasn’t working for so many people in our society.”

Do you have any tips on how to shop more sustainably?

“I’m a supporter of the Good On You app which makes it very easy for consumers to see what impact individual brands are having. I have committed to only purchasing and wearing brands that are rated ‘It’s A Start’ or above, as I want to be able to support brands moving in the right direction.

“I’m also a big fan of TRAID [in the UK] who provide door-step collections of clothes you no longer wear and then reuse and resell them in their shops. They then use the money raised to fund projects to end abuse in fashion supply chains.

“Really learning about yourself, who you are, and what you actually wear enables you to be a smarter buyer. Tailoring, modifying and being creative with clothes gives them a longer life, more meaning and personality. I recently wore a dress for a [pre-lockdown] photoshoot that I originally wore to a premiere when I was 15. I carefully archive and catalogue everything special I wear in my wardrobe and keep everything!

“The best-dressed people I know have figured out their formula and know they tend to wear a few favourite things over and over again. Invest in those and don’t buy fashion you’ll throw away. Never buy anything unless it’s perfect. I’ve convinced myself to buy some strange things because I said I’d alter them or I’d grow etc. And I don’t!

“My friend Emily used to say that everything has a ‘cost per wear’. Meaning every time she wore it, it reduced its overall cost of purchase in her mind and the cost to make it. A bargain isn’t a bargain if you never wear it or it falls apart! I often leave a shop and if I don’t go back for the item, it’s a sign I didn’t really want it.”

What are some of your favourite sustainable and ethical brands?

“Anything vintage! Reusing and recycling and rewearing clothing that already exists is the most sustainable thing you can do as a consumer. I highlighted some really awesome black-owned vintage shops on my Instagram recently. If you do need to buy something new, I am loving Christy Dawn’s summer dresses and jumpsuits. The brand’s designer and founder Christy is wonderful.”

---

Is it just me or did she say a lot without actually saying much? Oh well. I feel like this really was a way to tell people that she’s still a good activist even though she isn’t quick to comment on something lol. And I believe that she won’t do many red carpets since there won’t be many events anytime soon and she has no movies coming out. Notice how she mentioned the Good On You app again.

And was she really involved with fair trade fashion at 12? I feel like we would’ve heard about that long ago.

[impracticaldemon]

The Other Man’s Princess

Ikesen fanfiction by impracticaldemon ~ for acrispyapple, with thanks and best wishes, and for Vespe, Yuuki, and all my other Kenshin-fan friends!

Words:  5800 [Note:  about Kenshin, based on an incident in Masamune’s route]

Coming soon to AO3 and FFnet [but tumblr isn’t kind to links]

Summary:  Kenshin chooses not to kill Date Masamune when the enemy warlord is saved from imminent disaster by the unexpected arrival of the rumoured Oda princess.  The princess’ willingness to protect Date at all costs--and the fact that his enemy is obviously fighting injured--ruins the whole thing.  But what if somebody else wants to save Kenshin?

~~~~~

The Other Man’s Princess

Anna had known it would be a difficult battle.  She might not have the years of experience of the men and women around her, but she was observant, and it hadn’t taken her long to learn to read the signs.  At first, she’d only been able to gauge a situation by looking at the local inhabitants as a whole:  were the men cocky, serious, or grim? were the women resigned, tight-lipped, or overtly anxious?  After almost a year in the Sengoku—and a hard, dangerous year it had been, until recently—she was much better at understanding the nuances of war, and she noticed more subtle tells, such as increases in the price of food, and fewer merchants in the marketplace.

Sasuke arrived back at the castle first, as he usually did, to bring news to the reserve commander, Kurata, and to her.  She’d noticed he was troubled almost immediately, even though his first message was that Kenshin was safe, and that the troops were withdrawing in good order.  Apparently, the Oda had been able to bring up their reinforcements faster than expected, which meant abandoning the conflict for another day, when the Uesugi-Takeda forces had grown stronger.

“It was pretty bad out there,” Sasuke told her confidentially, once he’d given his formal report. “I’m glad Yukimura decided to retreat.  Lord Kenshin was—well, he was as unstoppable as ever—but the joint Date-Tokugawa cavalry had already targeted him once, and they would have gone after him again once the rest of the Oda forces arrived.”  His gaze became unfocussed for a moment, and he sighed.  “I would never say this to my employer—or to Yukimura—but it was pretty amazing seeing Tokugawa Ieyasu and Toyotomi Hideyoshi on the battlefield together, near the height of their powers.”

Normally, Anna would have smiled knowingly at his absurd-but-genuine adoration of the Sengoku superstars, but she could tell that he was worried about Kenshin, and that made her impatient.  She waved a hand in front of Sasuke’s face.

“Hey—ninja boy!”  She raised both eyebrows, and gave him a very direct, ‘stop-stalling’ look.  “I know you have to get back there—you always do—so you might as well tell me what you didn’t tell Lord Kurata.”

His eyes slid sideways for a moment, as they usually did when he was thinking, or embarrassed, or both, but they returned shortly to meet hers.  Sasuke’s expression rarely changed much, but she’d learned to tell the difference between excited-stoic and worried-stoic. This was definitely the latter.

“At some point during the battle, Lord Kenshin took off on his own, as he does, and he and Date Masamune ended up in a one-on-one duel—which is actually very rare, despite what you see in movies and stage plays.”  He paused, caught Anna’s expression, and hurried on.  “Anyway, I missed what led up to it, but I was in time to see the conclusion.”

“You were hurrying to Kenshin’s side to protect him, of course.  I’m sure it wasn’t just an opportunity to see two of the great swordsmen of the era in personal combat.”  Mentally, she face-palmed—hadn’t she just told Sasuke to skip the fanboy stuff?  It had to be nerves.

“…There may have been an element of extreme personal excitement—after all, Uesugi Kenshin and Date Masamune never met like that in our timeline.”

“Sure—go on.” 

“Just as I was approaching, Lord Kenshin disarmed Lord Masamune, who appeared to be injured. It looked like Lord Kenshin was going to kill Lord Masamune, but then an Oda soldier suddenly jumped out of the grass waving a rifle, and distracted Lord Kenshin by yelling at him to stop.  As you probably know, Lord Kenshin isn’t easy to distract when he’s fighting—or not for very long. But this time he stopped cold, because the voice was clearly a woman’s.”

“A woman?  Nobody ever lets me go off to Kenshin’s battles—not that I want to be in them.”

They exchanged a look.  Sasuke shrugged semi-apologetically; Anna shrugged in acceptance.  Kenshin would never want her anywhere near such a battle, and she knew enough, after two months of getting closer to him, not to push him too far when it came to her safety.  He was a wonderful, caring, fascinating—devastatingly beautiful—man, but he had wounds that she was still figuring out how to heal.  Patience and steadfastness were what he needed, and once she’d decided he was worth it—very early on, in fact—she’d thrown herself into the joy and the trials of being there for him.  

~~~

She’d originally met Kenshin in a town about a day’s ride from Kasugayama.  He’d rescued her from two brutish ronin who were intent on dragging her off as punishment for standing up to them on behalf of an elderly shopkeeper.  Kenshin had refused her thanks, but although he’d seemed cold—even rude—there’d been a quality about him, beyond his obvious beauty, that had drawn her in.  When he’d saved her from the same two men just a few days later, he’d criticized her survival skills, but he’d calmly walked her home, and he’d slowed his pace to hers.  More than that, he’d told her to be herself with the people around her, something she’d somehow forgotten how to do since being dumped into the Sengoku three months before.  It had been exactly the advice she’d needed, and she’d been grateful.

Not long after, she’d met Sasuke, who’d been shocked to discover another “future person” so close by.  He’d offered to bring her to Kasugayama, where it was safer and more comfortable, and she’d had little reason to refuse, and at least one good reason to accept.  In fact, she hadn’t been altogether surprised to discover that Kenshin had arranged for Sasuke to check up on her in the first place. Moreover, Kenshin hadn’t seemed to mind Sasuke’s seemingly abrupt decision to bring her to the castle, despite his reputation as a woman-hater.  She and Kenshin had spoken often since then, although Kenshin always came up with specific reasons for seeking her out, much to the amusement of his ally Takeda Shingen.

~~~

“…Yes, it was definitely a woman, based on the voice and hair.  She was pretty well disguised by her armour, but”—Sasuke stopped and held out a hand, as if to say, I’m so sorry, please don’t kill me—“she was awfully short for a samurai.”

He looked at her hopefully.  It took her a long moment to catch the reference, but then she groaned.

“Star Wars, Sasuke?  Really?  And that’s a really obscure reference.  You’re lucky my undergrad was science, honestly.”

“The original Star Wars movies are a key part of geek culture, sorry.  I guess she kind of reminded me of Princess Leia.  Though I suppose a Lord of the Rings reference would be more appropriate—you know, ‘I am no man!’ and all that.”

“Sasuke—”

“Lord Kenshin just stared at the woman, totally ignoring Date Masamune.  But she—well, she tried to shoot him.”

“But—you said he was fine!  Or did she miss?  I’m impressed she could shoot one of those old matchlocks, actually.”  And I am not feeling competitive.  At all.

“Lord Masamune rushed in and somehow managed to deflect the shot—actually knocked the barrel of the rifle up. He’s fast.”

“I don’t understand.  Why would he protect his enemy?  Was it some kind of dumb chauvinist thing?  You know—'can’t let a woman kill my enemy for me’?”

Sasuke gave her an odd look.  “Well…” he said slowly, as though feeling out his words, “you know how I said there’s a person like us living in Azuchi?”

“Yes… You mean it was her?!  And she tried to protect Date Masamune by shooting Kenshin?!”

Sasuke looked as unemotional as usual, but she was pretty sure it was a façade.

“It was an interesting event from a time-travel, or alternate universe, perspective.  A person who shouldn’t be there tries to kill a man who should already be dead—er, sorry if that was tactless.”  Sasuke blinked apologetically, but added, “And she does it for the sake of a man who died five hundred years before she was born.  You can imagine how I felt.”

“No.  No, I really don’t think I can.  What happened next?”

“I think Lord Kenshin was… very disturbed… by the fact that there was a woman there in front of him, clearly prepared to kill, and also, well…”

“Prepared to die?”

“Yes.”

All at once, Anna could imagine how the strange scenario must have affected Kenshin, and it suddenly became far more important to see him—to reassure him—than to hear all the details.  Especially with Sasuke’s unique editorial commentary. No matter how bizarre it was that another time-traveller had tried to kill the man Anna loved, during a battle that had never taken place in Anna’s—or the other woman’s—own history, the important thing was that Kenshin was probably hurting.

“Okay, just give me the gist of the rest, Sasuke.”

“Lord Masamune said he was ready to keep fighting, but Lord Kenshin put his sword away and walked off.  He said the fight wasn’t fun anymore, so he was letting them go.  I didn’t want to make things more tense, so I didn’t intrude.  Not that I left him alone, of course.  I made sure somebody brought him a horse.  But… he had that smile.”

“So Kenshin’s on his way home right now?”

“Yes.  This all happened yesterday.  I left mid-afternoon to report back here.  I thought… I thought you might want to know about it ahead of time.”

“Yes, good—thank you, Sasuke.” It came out sounding abrupt, so she tried again.  “I mean it: thank you.  You’re a good friend, and an amazing ninja.”

“Yeah, that’s me.  Your friendly neighbourhood spider-ninja.”  

The words sounded oddly lonely, instead of cheerful, but she let it go. She had reviewed her options, and made her decision.  “I’m going with you, Sasuke.  Don’t bother to argue.”

“…He’s not hurt, Anna.  I promise, if he needed medical help, I’d have told you.”  Anna had medical training, and had been working hard to learn Sengoku-era medicine—although it consisted mostly of inefficient herb-lore, last-ditch surgery, and opium, from what she could see.  At least Japanese doctors believed in cleanliness, unlike their European counterparts of the same century. And to be fair, a good doctor could diagnose and treat wounds, and set bones, and alleviate the effects of certain illnesses.  

“I think he is hurt, and I think you know it.”  She fixed him with what she hoped was a compelling stare. “Now wait for me right here—or better yet, find me a good horse.  It will take me less than ten minutes to change and grab my bag.  Got it?”

~~~

“You shouldn’t be here.”  Kenshin’s voice was flat, and Anna winced a little at his tone.

She’d known—based on Sasuke’s story—that he’d probably be struggling, emotionally, but it was hard not to react when it felt as though he’d suddenly decided to ignore how close they’d become over many weeks of conversations, quiet evenings out on the engawa, and even occasional disagreements. He refused to admit it, but he was extremely protective, and they’d had to sort out some framework they could both live with, where he knew she was safe, and she didn’t feel stifled. That was a work in progress, obviously.

“I was worried about you,” she told him, letting her sincerity speak for itself.  “I wanted to be beside you, so that I could see for myself that you weren’t hurt.”

“Why didn’t you stay where you were safe?  I’ve told you how dangerous it is to travel right now.  You should have listened to me.”

She could tell he couldn’t hear her—not properly—and instead of frustrating her, that settled her resolve to be patient and gentle.  Once she’d set aside her hurt at her chilly reception, she’d seen the expression—the fractured look—that hovered behind Kenshin’s cool stare and irritated, dismissive words.

“As I told you, Sasuke was with me the whole time, Kenshin-sama.  And I am always safest with you, wherever that is.”

Kenshin’s beautiful, mismatched eyes narrowed slightly, but they stopped moving restlessly around the room, and focussed on her face.  That was better.

“I—that’s not the point.  You should have waited for me.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t wait.  I wanted to see you.  You’re important to me.”  Anna stretched out a hand to him, and Kenshin automatically took it, then looked almost comically surprised by his action.

They were kneeling facing each other in Kenshin’s tent.  Anna had dissuaded Sasuke from going in with her when they’d arrived, regardless of military protocol, and in spite of Sasuke’s evident determination to bear the brunt of Kenshin’s wrath.  After a certain amount of argument, Sasuke had admitted that it would be pleasant not to face a sword at his throat the moment Kenshin took in Anna’s presence.  Consequently, she and Kenshin were alone, which was for the best.  Alone in the immediate sense, at least—there were thousands of soldiers in the camp around them.

Kenshin cleared his throat.  She knew that he wanted to keep making his points about her safety, and about following orders, but he felt constrained by their joined hands, and by the comfort he took from her touch—something that he’d told her once, after enough sake to poison the ordinary man.

“…I suppose you’re here now.  And at least you came straight to me, and are unharmed.”  His gaze softened a little, but Anna didn’t relax her guard.  He was no longer cold, or frowning, but his smile remained disquieting.  “You know… If I can’t be sure that you’ll stay in the castle while I’m away, I may need to take better precautions to keep you safe.”

“I already feel safe,” Anna said immediately, working hard to keep her tone light, but firm.

“You aren’t always careful enough, Anna.”  Kenshin suddenly extended his free hand to caress her cheek and jaw, catching her off-guard.  Although he had once rested his head on her lap, and they often held hands lately—by strictly unspoken accord—this touch was new, and more deliberately intimate. It was also undeniably possessive.

“I appreciate your concern, Kenshin-sama,” Anna responded, as calmly as she could.  She did her best to focus on the tricky situation with Kenshin’s emotions, rather than the rush of warmth that flowed outward from his hand.  “However—”

“I sometimes wonder if I should lock you in your quarters, for your own protection.  You can be reckless.”  Both tone and expression were bright and brittle.

Anna managed not to react to the threatening words; she’d known that it was a risk to come out to meet him.  Instead of pulling away, she resolutely set aside her fear of being locked up in favour of conveying how much she appreciated his touch.  She covered Kenshin’s hand on her cheek with her own, and turned her face further into his palm.

“I know that it’s important for me to be careful,” she told him, “most of all when I’m not with you.”

Kenshin’s eyes narrowed, but after a moment of surprise—it obviously wasn’t the reaction he’d expected—sharpness gave way to interest, and a hint of amusement. His fingers on her face gentled and then stilled.

“Are you trying to persuade me that your journey here was undertaken with safety in mind? Because you are safer with me?” He stroked her cheekbone with the pad of his thumb, and she wished she could just relax and enjoy being—somehow—important to this very special man.

“I wouldn’t go that far…”

“No?”  Kenshin leaned forward, so that their faces were almost touching.  The humour had vanished from his two-coloured gaze. “That’s good… But you won’t promise to stay put.  And a woman doesn’t belong on the battlefield.”  His grip on her hand and face tightened again.  “How can I make you understand?”

“I understand, Kenshin-sama.”  She might not appreciate—or agree with—his declaration, but she also knew better than to take it at face value.  Kenshin was trying to use a simple, obvious (to him) statement to express a complex fear. “I know you don’t want me to go onto a battlefield, and I agree that it would be too risky.”  For now, anyway, she added silently to herself.  Sometimes it was hard to wait patiently, not knowing how things were going, wondering if she could be helpful.

“You say you understand, but—”

Anna could almost see the struggle going on behind his ice-sculpture features.  He knew, rationally, that she hadn’t been the woman on the battlefield when he was fighting Lord Masamune.  But the sight of a woman in mortal danger had clearly opened old wounds.  It made her sad to see him so obviously afraid, even when he expressed it as concern for her safety.  He was fearless by nature, and immensely strong, but that just made it worse for him.

“I have never ventured onto a battlefield,” she assured him. More slowly, she added: “And—I won’t.  Not unless you agree to it first.”  She’d given it a lot of thought during the ride to the camp.  It had been a struggle from the beginning to balance her modern views on freedom with the realities of life in feudal Japan.  But she’d decided this was a choice she could give up, for Kenshin’s sake.

“Well, I don’t agree to it.  And I won’t.”  Kenshin’s words were forceful. She would have been irritated, if she didn’t understand him as well as she did now.  “It would be foolish and pointless.  I won’t allow you to put yourself in such danger.”

“I will accept your decision.”

“You have to.”  He was torn between asserting his authority—the man was akin to a divine prince to his clan, after all—and seeking reassurance.  Not that he was one to invoke his rank, or power, explicitly.  It was just part of who he was.  Anna sometimes challenged that assumption of authority, as it applied to her, but she understood it.

“I mean it, Kenshin-sama.  I will not follow you onto a battlefield without your knowledge and agreement.” She couldn’t quite bring herself to say permission.  “You don’t have to force me to obey you. This is important to you, so I’ll let you decide.”

“Anna…”

“Yes?”

He remained silent, unable, or unwilling, to voice his thoughts.  After a time, he seemed to reach a decision that satisfied him, and he smiled.

“I will take you home.”

“You’ll take me back to Kasugayama?  I mean—now?”  It was getting late; the sun had disappeared over an hour ago.

“It will be fine.  I know the road well, and I can be back here well before dawn.”

“But…”  This time it was Anna who was at a loss for words.

Kenshin withdrew his hands, although he paused to stroke her hair in a reassuring manner.  Anna felt her heart thump almost painfully in her chest, and for just a moment she forgot how to breathe.  Which was ridiculous!  He affected her like this, more and more as time went on, but she could never decide what part of the attraction was his physical beauty, and what part was everything else—his integrity, his (constantly denied) kindness, his strange combination of strength and fragility.  Or maybe she’d been truly lost when she’d come to believe that he needed her?

“We’ll just take one horse, to avoid being separated, or attacked.”  The brisk, almost enthusiastic, statement brought her sharply back to earth.

“But, why do we have to go at all?  You must be tired…”  Not that he ever seemed tired after even the most gruelling battles.  This time, though, she saw traces of strain.

“We’re not far from the castle, by horse.  It’s much slower for the infantry, of course.”  Kenshin regarded her intently, frowning a little.  “Or are you tired after riding here?  You can rest, and have tea, while I hear Sasuke’s report.”  His expression changed when he mentioned Sasuke, and Anna suspected there would be swords involved. ‘To be expected,’ Sasuke had told her.

“Kenshin-sama.  Isn’t there room for me in the camp?  I thought it would be pleasant for you—for us—to see each other, even if you didn’t have much time to spare.”  

Of course, she didn’t say that she had needed to make sure for herself that he was coping all right with his strange encounter with The Other Woman—the other time-traveller—who isn’t The Other Woman in any way, why did I even think that? Ugh!  It was annoying to realize that there had been a twinge of jealousy in her sentiments toward a woman who might even be a friend, if they could ever meet.  Or maybe I’m just worried that it isn’t me who’s special, and any woman from the future would be new and interesting?

“It’s better to return to the castle.”  Now his tone was flat, and that caught her immediate attention. “I”—uncharacteristically, he seemed to change what he was going to say—“appreciate your effort in coming here.” Even though they weren’t touching, she could sense tension return to his body as fairness warred with instinct. “It wasn’t wise of you, but you were anxious.  Women are emotional.”

As if you aren’t!  Amazingly, she managed to keep that to herself.  It was worth being patient if she could help.  Kenshin had come to terms with her arrival relatively quickly, had even seemed reassured to have her near—for a short while.  But now he wanted her back in the castle, and it might be more sensible to give in.  Hopefully, he wasn’t serious about locking her up.

“If we’re going to go back, then I’d rather leave sooner than later.” Certain parts of her body wanted to protest the whole idea of getting back into the saddle, but she was starting to catch Kenshin’s restlessness.  Or maybe they both wanted to be away from others for a while?

Kenshin nodded, relaxing, but he scrutinized her closely before rising to leave the tent.  When Anna moved to follow him, he waved her back.

“You might as well rest a little.  I have to talk to Sasuke either way, and it may take me some time to get away.”

“But I thought—”

“I won’t go far”—Anna was quite sure he wouldn’t—“so don’t worry.  Get some rest.”

He spoke brusquely, and left the tent without looking back, but Anna was only briefly discomposed.  She guessed that Kenshin had noticed her fatigue from the earlier ride, and was giving her an excuse to recover before starting back.  Of course, he’d made it impossible to refuse.

~

They left an hour later.  Sasuke saw them off, his face even more unreadable than usual in the gloom.  He appeared to be uninjured. The moon was still low in the late summer sky, but approaching full; its light dimly illuminated the path they’d be taking through a rippling series of hills and valleys.  There wasn’t much flat land in Japan, once you were away from the sea.

Kenshin had insisted that Anna ride with him for safety’s sake, but she hadn’t needed convincing.  The rest had helped, but while Kenshin knew every part of this route, and rode as easily as he walked, she had no such knowledge, or skill.  Privately, she thought that the danger of falling off her horse, or guiding it into a hole, far exceeded the chance of being attacked. She couldn’t imagine any bandits stupid enough to prey on the roads this close to Kasugayama.  Besides, she’d come to be with Kenshin, so why wouldn’t she ride with him?

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yes, thank you, Kenshin-sama.”  

It wasn’t quite true, since she’d become unexpectedly self-conscious from the moment he’d lifted her into the saddle and seated himself behind her. His arms were warm around hers, and it was impossible not to be fully aware of his—taut, lean, muscled—body against her back.  They both wore thin summer clothing, and despite Anna’s light haori, worn in deference to the damp night air, she felt as though they were practically skin-to-skin. She was glad she was facing mostly away from Kenshin.

“Do you always ride so stiffly?  No wonder you were tired.  Didn’t Sasuke teach you to ride?”

“Oh! No… I mean, yes, maybe that was it.”

Kenshin shifted, transferring the reins to one hand, and tightening his other arm around her.  She tensed, and then gave up and settled back against his chest.  How could she resist?  She wondered if her heart-beat was as loud to Kenshin as it seemed to her. Probably not.  Right?

“Are you sure you’re all right?  You seem alarmed.  There’s nothing to fear while you’re with me, and we have no need for haste, so I won’t push the horse.”

Or maybe he had super-human powers of observation, when he wasn’t focussed on other things.  Looking down, she realized that his hand was wrapped carefully around hers, and his thumb was pressed to her racing pulse.  Of course.  So he had noticed her pounding heart-rate.  While riding a battle-trained horse through the near-dark on a winding, hilly trail.

“I’m not alarmed.  I’m not afraid of being attacked, I’m not afraid of falling off, and I’m not afraid that you’ll go too fast.  You pretend it’s not true, but you are very considerate of me.”

He was loosening up as he rode, she could tell.  She, on the other hand, was struggling to keep her cool. Kenshin’s voice carried warm breath past her ear as they rode, and it was yet another distraction to add to all the other pleasant-but-possibly-inappropriate distractions happening right now.  She wondered, again, what he really thought of her.

“Is it considerate to make you ride through the night with me after you have just endured the same ride in the opposite direction?”

“Mm, okay, I’m not sure on that one, but if you’ll tell me why, then I can answer your question.”

“You can be very stubborn.”

“So can you.”

“…I’ve heard that before.  I wish you wouldn’t quote Shingen at me.  It’s annoying.”

He was ‘annoyed’ enough to tighten his grip on her, but it felt a lot more like a hug than anything bad.  Anna realized that she’d be very okay with hugging him back, if they weren’t on horseback, on a difficult trail, in the middle of the night. Inadvertently, she sighed.

“What is it, Anna?”

“Nothing.”

“Ah.”  His breath tickled her ear again, and then—and then—he softly kissed her temple.

“Kenshin!”  Did she really squeak like a fangirl just there?  Yes, yes, she did.  Damn.

“Sasuke told you about the woman—Date’s woman—didn’t he?”

“Um—yes?”  Context? Hello?  Did you just move from kissing me to asking whether I knew about the other woman—no, the other time-traveller who just happened to be a woman?  She was curious, irritated, and a little ‘glowy’ all at once.

“And that’s why you came to see me?”

“Yes… I suppose that’s true.  I was worried.”

“There was no need to worry about me.  Sasuke sometimes—frequently—oversteps his bounds.”

“I worry about you, Kenshin-sama.  I care about what happens to you, and I think about what you’re doing. I wonder if you are all right.”

“I didn’t want you anywhere near the battlefield.  Or in an armed camp full of men.  Sasuke shouldn’t have brought you here.”

Okay, now what?  

“Is that the answer to why we’re riding through the night like this when you should be back at camp overseeing your army?”

“There were a lot of wounded.  Oda Nobunaga—and in this case, Date Masamune and Tokugawa Ieyasu—is a worthy opponent.”

She wanted to point out that he’d just changed the subject again, but over their time together she’d become adept at following his thoughts.  It took an agile mind, and a certain intuition, but she could do it.  Sometimes, she made him spell it out anyway, but it was so comfortable being with him like this that her inclination to push back was waning rapidly.

“You didn’t want me to insist on tending the wounded?”

“I didn’t want you wandering camp—it would be dangerous and inappropriate.”

Inappropriate?  She wasn’t sure whether he meant that she might see, or hear, inappropriate things, or whether he was just being weirdly jealous.  Come to think of it, he could mean both.

“I don’t think I would be in any danger in your camp, with you nearby,” she said, seriously.  “But I travelled to the camp for the sole purpose of seeing you, and even if I didn’t like it, I would follow your instructions while at the camp.”

“She saved Date’s life, you know.  I probably would have killed him before Tokugawa could get to him.  Though he showed surprising stamina for a man who I suspect was badly wounded.”  Kenshin’s assessment was ungrudging—he admired courage and strength in friend and foe alike. “I look forward to a proper fight in the future.”

“Setting aside your quest for a suitable opponent…”  Anna leaned her head back more securely against Kenshin’s chest, and suppressed a sigh of contentment.  “You know that I’d do a lot to save your life, right?”

Kenshin immediately tensed.  “You promised—”

“But you have my word that I won’t chase you onto a battlefield.”

“Good.  I don’t need you to.  You’re a very strange woman—I shouldn’t have to make you promise not to subject yourself to… all that.”

“In exchange—”

“You’re trying to bargain with me?”

“I’m hoping you’ll hear me out.”  She took the silence that followed as assent, if not happy assent.  “I want you to promise you’ll live.”

“You what? That’s—”  He stopped abruptly.

“I’m very sorry if I’ve upset you, Kenshin-sama.”  She hadn’t wanted to.  She’d much rather have ridden on without conflict.  “But I care about what happens to you.  It will make it easier for me to stay away from battles, or war camps, or whatever, if I know that you are doing your utmost to come back safe and sound.”

“You don’t need to worry.  Nothing ever touches me.”

“Kenshin-sama… I trust you.  So if you tell me that you will do your utmost to live, then I will believe it.” She’d try, anyway.  But it would help a lot if she knew he cared enough to come back.  She’d heard the whispers that he couldn’t be touched, couldn’t be killed, because he was the so-called God of War.  It just made her more worried, since she’d already noticed a certain sad fatalism in Kenshin.

They rode in silence for several long minutes after that.  Kenshin’s grip on her slowly relaxed, but remained strong enough to be reassuring.  She found she had to keep pressing her lips together not to add to what she’d said—whether to cajole, or entreat, or just argue.  Eventually, she heard Kenshin sigh, but gently, like a release of pent-up breath.  He drew the horse to a careful stop, allowed the reins to loop over the pommel of the saddle, and wrapped both arms around Anna.

“I told Date Masamune that dying for love was the worst kind of foolishness.  And it was both of them!  She risked everything to be there—she’d already interposed herself between us once, earlier in the fight, although neither of us knew it.  But Date was worse.  He was losing, he’d just dropped his sword, and he still had the nerve to knock away his woman’s killing shot.”

“Bravado?”  She’d suggested that before, but Kenshin hadn’t answered her.  Right now she cared more about Kenshin talking to her, and holding her, than anything else, but she was still a little curious.

“No, worse.  He didn’t want her to have to kill.  He didn’t want it to change her.  I didn’t hear all of it, but that was the gist.”

“I think that’s—” Anna stopped on the edge of saying that she thought it was very sweet.  More than just sweet, it showed true caring and protectiveness.

“It was ridiculous.  He endangered both of them by not letting her shoot.  I had to let them go after that.”

“Of course you did.”  Because he was a good man, and had too much integrity to pursue a fight under such circumstances.  And probably because seeing the woman there shocked him.  But either way, it was just like him to refrain from mindless killing, despite leaving an enemy commander alive.

“I wasn’t being kind.  They took all the enjoyment out of the fight—both of them.  …And I’d heard Date was a ruthless adversary, the kind of man who didn’t let sentiment come in the way of his duty!”

He sounded peeved, Anna thought.  She had to smile.  She hid her face so that he couldn’t accuse her to laughing at him.  Then she felt a kiss on her hair—the first of several. Her body temperature seemed to rise with each kiss, and the way his hands were stroking her back.  She didn’t protest when Kenshin finally lifted her face up to his and pressed his lips to hers.  A hand slid into her hair, and their kiss deepened, becoming more passionate.

When it finally ended, they were both short of breath.  Anna wondered if she looked as startled and—happy?—as Kenshin.  Probably worse, she decided.

“You’ll stay safe?”  He spoke almost too softly to hear.

“I’ll do everything I can to stay safe.  How about you?”  The moonlight turned his hair and eyes to silver; he looked almost otherworldly.

“I’ll—You know I’ll need to go on fighting?”

“Yes.”  She wouldn’t debate the need, or whether it was personal, or duty.

“Yet you still want me to stay safe?”

“I want you to promise to keep yourself alive.”

“I can do that.”

“Then I will promise to stay as safe as possible, and to stay alive, for you.”

“Anna, you are—”

“Very strange?”

To her surprise, he laughed—she wasn’t sure she’d heard him laugh before.

“I was going to say stubborn.  And hard to resist.”  He stopped laughing, and bent to kiss her just below the ear, in a way that made her gasp.  “Also, right now, I want you all for myself.”  He kissed her jaw, and the corner of her mouth.

Anna hummed her agreement.  That wasn’t a problem:  she wanted Kenshin all to herself, as well.  Really, this moonlight ride made perfect sense, now that she thought about it.  She’d just have to count on Kenshin to keep her from falling off the horse.

[END]

A/Note:  I hope you enjoyed this foray into the “okay, but what about Kenshin?” or “and in the background...” or “off-stage...”  If you get a chance, let me know what you think!

Note 2:  I didn’t tag anybody, because tumblr search isn’t good about *any* links anymore, including links to people on tumblr (eyeroll).  I’m still trying to figure out a work-around for this! 

[enterprisetrampstamp]

The Martinstown WIP Part 3

Part 1 Part 2

This is Part 3 of what is likely to be a nice, long t’pura fic once I’ve banged it out. It’s a bizarre length and actual amount of plot by my standards, so I’m in want of comments and breaking my usual rules to post sections of it before it’s fully complete. Please, holler at your ambiguously gendered author with any #thoughts you have!

This one goes out in particular to the one lovely anon who cares about this fic as much as I do.

***

Vulcans do not dream. But- on occasion- a lack of focus during their nightly meditation can lead a Vulcan to ruminate so deeply upon past events that they relive them, in a strange and filtered way. "Through the looking glass," a human may describe it.

T'Pring does not know why her mind lingers this night on a day long past--one where the heat of Vulcan's sun beats heavily on her shoulders, and her robes are filled with fruit they have foraged. She is accompanied by Spock. They sit huddled on a rock, deep in the craggy valleys of the desolate mountains, with only I'Chaya as supervision.

They speak of everything and nothing, in the way of children. They become sticky as they eat, and their skin grows hot and flushed with the sallow yellow-green of sunburn, for they have not heeded the words of their mothers.

"No," she insists, as he demonstrates a hand gesture, a tiny furrow of focus between his slanted brows. "That is too close to the regular word."

"We should not wish to forget our symbols," Spock argues, "or we will lose our ability to communicate in secret."

"I will not forget." She peels the skin from her fruit, sniffing. "Are you saying you would?"

He bristles immediately. "I would not."

"Then why would I? I am smarter than you."

"You are not!"

"This argument is illogical."

"You are illogical."

It is her turn to bristle. "I am not!"

"You are always angry. Anger is illogical. Therefore, you are illogical!"

T'Pring remembers how this is meant to go--she should consider her fruit for a long second, the colors red and orange and juicy in her palm. "If you wish to see angry," she should scoff, and then reach over to shove the fruit in his face.

But this time she is older, in her thirties and sitting next to a Spock so small she could easily hold him aloft with one hand. Her fingers are still sticky; she can still feel the heat of her planet's sun against her shoulders--now bare, in the modern style of the rebellious Vulcan woman. A flyaway of hair is caught in the breeze. She stares at the fruit in her palms, feels the roughness of the rocks against her ankles, and something inside of her is screaming. It has been for a very long time now.

"Yes," she says. "I am often angry. I think perhaps that is why our minds were found compatible. You have always struggled to maintain a Vulcan lifestyle, and I have always struggled to accept one. That has not--gotten easier.” She breathes out into the air of a dead planet. “Since this.”

"I do not understand," Spock says.

He is so small. It is illogical to doubt her own memories and more illogical still to question the realities of biological aging processes, and yet still she finds herself questioning how it is possible that either of them were ever so small as he is sitting next to her.

"You would not," she says. "We had not lost this, yet. The innocence of childhood. Our people and our planet. Each other." T'Pring does not look at him in pity, because he does not need it--not as a child, trying to find a place on a world which could not accept him, and not as an adult who has found his place on a starship far away. "There is nothing so illogical as grief, Spock; not even anger, for all that they so often go hand in hand. You have not learned that yet. I regret that one day you must."

"You should not say such things," he tells her, looking worried. In time, he will grow better at hiding these feelings, but she will only grow angrier. "T'Pring, you are being emotional."

"Yes," she says. "But no one is around to know. You do not exist outside of my mind, tiny Spockling." She reaches out to ruffle his hair, and he squawks much the way he had once upon a Vulcan afternoon, with his face covered in fruit.

"I find your behavior illogical and unsatisfactory," he says, all harsh and small. It is adorable. "This will be the first thing I say to you when we complete our private code."

"That is exactly so," she tells him, fond. "Although I think you have secretly always enjoyed seeing another Vulcan behave in this way, no matter how you raise your little eyebrows."

She grows quiet, pensive, and then says quietly, "I miss you, illogically. I was the one who ended this easy camaraderie, fearful that the scrutiny our classmates placed on you for being half-human would reflect back on me to reveal my own struggles. It was the logical move to protect myself, I believed. Now I must wonder if I did not hurt us both instead; we were never on the path to romance, but there was a time when I regarded you as a friend."

There is no one here but yourself, she chides. You need not twist your words to obscure the truth.

"That time continues now," she admits, begrudgingly. "I maintain sentiment towards you, despite our divorce. After all, though it was I who initially suggested our severance, you held nothing but support for my decision despite the future peril in which it places you, should you enter pon farr without our bond to fall back on."

(It had not been her motivation behind the divorce, but she is grateful in a desperate and primitive way that she has been spared from the decision to either kill him by inaction or be forced to cure his fever herself--she is grateful because she knows what she would have chosen, and his agreement to divorce her has denied her conscience the weight of his death.)

"Is this what your meditation seeks to have you acknowledge?" Spock asks in that young voice, but with all the perception of his older self. Or her own, perhaps, since there is no one in her mind but her. "That your path of solitude is a choice you have made on your own?"

T'Pring peels the rest of her fruit, and feels the heat of a sun that she will never again encounter outside of memory. "If that is the case," she says, "I struggle to see the logic in regretting what has already come to pass. My family has perished in the genocide of our people, my friendship with you has long since wilted, and I cannot bear to set foot on our supposed new homeworld. I am alone, but for the humans among whom I live."

"You like these humans," the Spocklet says. He has a handful of freckles along the bridge of his nose. “But you find it difficult to trust them.”

T’Pring does not see a point in answering, even within the meditative construct of a conversation.

The crew of the Martinstown is a self-described family, and that T’Pring finds difficulty with such a concept should be self-evident. They are also of a largely psi null race; to obtain mental intimacy with them would require a deliberate conscious undertaking, and to trust without knowing the inside of another's mind… The very concept is unnerving.

There is a role she plays for her crew, much as there was a role she played for her family on the lost sands Vulcan. Unlike the silence and stoicism of the past, she enjoys the teasing and bluntness of her new persona--but it is a persona nonetheless. 

"You like me," her diminutive companion says, thoughtfully. "Do you trust me?"

She slants a sharp, sideways look at him. "I might," she says begrudgingly. "Though I do not prefer to say so, even within the privacy of my meditation. Must you force me to admit these things?"

"The only one here is you," he reminds her. "You are, as you always are, alone."

"I prefer it that way," she says. "Isn't that what we decided a moment ago?"

"No." Spock stares up at her, his thin arms wrapped about his knobbled knees, and his too-human eyes are small, and dark, and troubled. "We decided that it is what you have chosen; not that it is what you prefer."

T'Pring's heartbeat is quick and loud in her ears. "I see," she says. "I shall need to meditate on this properly at a later date. And there is no logic in telling you goodbye, as you do not exist."

"Very well," he agrees.

She opens her eyes.

The smoky haze of incense fills the air of her quarters- barely large enough for her to stretch her arms to either side and not brush the wall with both fingertips- and her ankles chafe not on Vulcanic rock but on the fibrous fabric of her meditative mat. That this particular hour is classified as “morning” is, of course, arbitrary, but she can smell coffee percolating and hear the distant sounds of movement as the Martinstown’s other habitants likewise stir.

Upon waking after a poker game, the crew is often quiet by their usual standards; Cristobal and Elina will sit in the kitchen among the detritus of the festivities, sharing their dark, bitter coffee as they skim their PADDs for the news, and Pinga and the Captain (whose camaraderie stretches back the longest) can often be found sharing a peaceful silence- and occasionally a stiff drink- on the ship's modest bridge.

(No matter the circumstances, the Leiman siblings independently and uniquely refuse to arise before the theoretical sun. "Artists," Pinga says, as if this word explains everything.)

T’Pring rises from her meditation, first dousing the last smouldering heat of her incense before bending loosely at the waist to roll the mat into a neat cylinder and tuck it beneath the austere desk which takes up nearly a third of the room.

(She uses the surface and the wall behind it to meticulously track not only the Martinstown crew's path through the stars, but also their adventures within them. T'Pring had been hired on, originally, as a record keeper; it has proven a difficult habit to break, even now that her position aboard this ship has little to do with a need for employment.)

T'Pring moves about her routine without haste, but neither does she linger in reflection as she brushes her teeth and hair and sheds the simple robe- of a silken, Terran style- which she had chosen for her meditation.

The revelations of the hallucinatory Spock-child are undoubtedly worth considering--but at a later date, in the darkness and stillness of her quarters, among the smoky haze of the alien scents she has adopted as a meditative focus. (Not only have many Vulcanic spices been lost among the rubble of her planet, but those that remain are difficult to obtain this far away from major Federation outposts.)

She thinks of other things, instead, such as how the braid of her hair is not entirely unlike the elaborate hairstyles of her youth--though less cumbersome, not being piled high atop her head. It is left hanging loosely down between her shoulder blades, tracing the straight slope of her spine.

So too does her manner of dress evoke a reminder of Vulcan without mimicking it; there is the freedom of movement of a traditional robe, combined with the metallic sheen of formal dress. T'Pring typically clothes herself in a simple, lightweight, sleeveless jumpsuit which cinches at her ankles but flows loose about her legs, as well as a stiff, tight vest in a heavy fabric which cuts a sharp line at her shoulders and reaches high up her throat. Both are a deep purple in color- matching her gloves- though the vest is slightly darker and shimmers with the play of light across its surface.

T'Pring has found this combination of garments to be comfortable, casual, and in keeping with the common fashion trends across the galaxy, thereby rendering it inconspicuous.

For economy of space aboard their small ship, the crew have few items of clothing and opt instead to clean them frequently; their choices in attire must therefore be well-suited to a variety of tasks. The combination of sleevelessness and drapery allows her a wide range of motion, while the stiff vest provides additional protection to her torso--a flawlessly logical combination, given the life she leads.

Flawlessly logical. She would roll her eyes if she were human. As if logic is something more than a tool--as if it is the beginning and end of the argument, when incomplete or incorrect data can result in a perfectly logical decision which is nonetheless wrong.

Such scandalous thoughts. T'Pring wishes she could blame the humans for them.

[clouds-of-wings]

I wrote this like 3 weeks ago and actually got over it since but @tardigradedeathposture wanted to read it, so here’s the lightly edited rant.

---

I was going to not write about how crap I thought the Witcher TV show was but it keeps bugging me and whatever here’s my rant.

So as my followers might know, I played the games (yes even the first) and mostly liked them, especially the second, which I think is a great game and actually better than the third, which I still enjoyed. The first, well, had its moments. I’ve read the first book about 5 years ago after playing the second game for the second time but couldn’t really get into it, I watched the old Polish TV adaptation and found it sort of quaint but nothing special. So of course I was skeptical of the prospect of a TV show but also sort of interested.

Well good things first. I thought Henry Cavill played Geralt pretty well actually. People hated him when he was first introduced but I think most were won over by his performance. He isn’t quite like the Geralt I know, but that might be due to the script. Second good thing, Jaskier isn’t quite as incredibly annoying as he is in the games, though still annoying. But at least he isn’t a pimp here. Third good thing, Chireadan, because Elves <3

But apart from these aspects, I think I haven’t watched such a stupid show since Once upon a time (which was so terrible that it caused my gallbladder to ache non-stop, so I had to stop after the first half of season 1. Witcher didn’t do that, so I guess it wasn’t quite as bad as OUAT). I know the series follows the story laid out in the books, and actually my problem isn’t even what happens, but how it’s presented, in that story and characterization manage to be tepid and tropey and also illogical and self-contradictory.

Take Yennefer for example, because her character annoyed me the most.

Now I’m not a fan of her in the third game either but at least she has a consistent (terrible) personality and a will of her own there. I read that she’s a better character in the books, so okay. Maybe they butchered her on the show. I honestly don’t remember the book I read very well anymore, as I said, I couldn’t get into it.

She is explicitly said and shown to do very badly during her mage training and to be bad at court politics, she’s barely even shown doing magic before the last episode, but she gets to “ascend”, whatever that means, while the other (far more deserving?) students get turned into eels. Later her teacher says she was the best student she’d ever had (?? when? where?) and gives her trust and responsibility for zero reason and Yennefer goes on to save the day, sort of.

She gets, in one of the most unrealistic scenes on the show, cosmetic surgery that involves an extensive spinal operation and the removal of her uterus WITHOUT NARCOTICS and half an hour later she wows everyone at the prom ball. IIRC, in the books and the games the sorceresses and sorcerers alter their appearance using, uh, magic instead of having some guy rip out their spine. And the sorceresses explicitly make themselves beautiful because “that’s what their clients expect”, just like the sorcerers make themselves appear as “venerable” old men - because it’s the pre-conception their clients have. It’s subversive, John-Karen, because the mages somewhat cynically show themselves to be genre-savvy by exploiting the... why am I explaining this. It’s obvious to everyone except the idiots who wrote the show. The point is, it’s not about their personal empowerment, but they could have done something with Yennefer’s “ugly to beautiful” transformation and they didn’t, so that sucks too.

From the whole way she’s presented, it becomes clear that she would be a terrible mother (”happy childhoods make for boring conversation”), yet we’re supposed to feel sympathy for her quest for fertility. And she’s constantly bitter about her lack of it - when the surgeon told her very clearly that she’d be losing her fertility as a side-effect of the operation and she explicitly agreed to it. This wasn’t something that was forced upon her yet she acts like it was.

Just like in the game, she has zero concern for other people’s wishes or boundaries. I mean she cast magic upon a bunch of people and made them sexually assault each other, and the show just frames it as “sexy lady hosts an orgy”. Then she accuses Geralt of not paying attention to other people’s boundaries because he made a wish she doesn’t even know the specifics of (lol).

Yennefer is a pretty terrible person, which would be fine in terms of character, if she were actually presented as terrible. Yennefer actually has pretty exactly the personality of Cersei Lannister, but Cersei was intentionally portrayed as vicious, power-hungry, dishonest and irrational. We weren’t supposed to see her as a good person and that made her a great character. Watching Cersei was fun and interesting. Watching Yennefer is grating because in any sane universe, a woman like that would not be the hero. That’s also why I think it’s absolutely false to call TW “the new GoT”. TW is worse than even late seasons GoT.

However, the show loves her so much that it randomly gives her super-powers whenever it suits. In the fight in front of the dragon cave, she’s as good with a sword as Geralt, even though she has no training and no muscles and he’s literally been mutated to become a better fighter. In the last episode, she easily deters the attack by Nilfgaard and then destroys their camp (??) with magic when up until then she was only ever shown to be very bad at magic. (Unleash *~the chaos inside you~* god who wrote that script?)

But in the end, almost her whole story is determined by the effect she has on men. Despite all her qualities that we’re supposed to blindly believe she has, it’s her looks and the fact that some men like her constant pointless insults that determines what happens to her. The archeologist guy in the beginning is the only one who stops her from totally failing at mage training. The king she wows with her good looks and her early 21st century dress becomes her employer. Geralt and the Elf guy falling for her. The knight guy she manipulates into going to dragon mountain with her. Her only skill that she is somewhat consistently proven to actually possess is the ability to charm and seduce men with her beauty and her sparkling personality.

Unfortunately, this characterization is somewhat common among “strong female characters”. All the important female characters on American Gods are that way as well. Wonder Woman is (in the film, I haven’t read the comics) close to it as well. Random pointless superpowers, but her story is actually determines by everyone being head over heels for her because she’s pretty. I don’t really know why this counts as “feminist”, but for the media industry apparently it does. I think it’s rather the opposite.

But, god, Yennefer wasn’t the only terrible character. I also hated the way they portrayed what were apparently supposed to be Scoia’tael adjacent Elves in the first episode. Can you imagine Iorveth or Yaevinn make common cause with those planless caricatures? I absolutely love the clearheadedness and ruthlessness of the Scoia’tael in the games. They rebel against human oppression with the decisiveness of people with nothing left to lose. The Elves are portrayed as a mentally somewhat superior race who see themselves as the rightful owners of the land and are absolutely furious at humans using brute force to disinherit them. I love the absolute lack of moral high ground and of “virtuous victimhood”. I love the elitism turned to bitterness. I love the way they frame things like telling Elvish legends as acts of resistance (which is something that has plenty of real-life parallels). I love (since it’s fictional and all) the vicious treatment of human civilians, since, you know, from the Elves’ perspectives there are no civilians among the humans. In the games, you’re clearly made to understand that both the Scoia’tael and their opponents have committed terrible acts, and then, because this is war, you’re expected to pick a side anyway. Which was both easy and fun for me as a huge Elf stan in general, but I love that it’s not supposed to be an easy choice.

So I’m just talking about a short scene in the first or second episode, because that was the only time we see Elves who have Elf-specific problems, but I just hated that scene, because it steps into exactly the tropes that the games avoided. They complain, act irrationally and are portrayed as helpless, morally pure victims who won’t actually do anything that will do more than just slightly inconvenience humans. Toothless! Exactly as Hollywood would like oppressed peoples to be, righteous in their suffering, maybe stealing some bread but that’s all they will do.

Another thing that really bothered me was how unpolished it was. Hahaha! Terrible pun alert. They took everything Polish out of the story, see what I did there? I would have loved to see those houses with the flowers painted on them for example that are based on a real Polish village. What we got was just a bland Medieval(TM) world that could be anywhere and had no discernible features. It also obliterated the charm of the costume design. I found myself longing even for King Henselt’s unbelievably stupid belt because at least it had some character. And the weird and awesome creature design as well. None of it was on the show. Can you imagine that in a million years creatures like the three Crones from TW3 would show up on the show? Of course not, because a female character who won’t give the viewer a boner is obviously not worth showing.

And I don’t even understand how they managed to include Geralt being aware of his outsider status and thinking about it and to somehow make it boring anyway. But I’m really tired of writing and thinking about this now, so this is the end of my rant about like... half the things that annoyed me about the show.

[becomewings]

Archived Network Event

2020 Secret Bunny Exchange

hai lovely! Im sparkle and I’m going to be your secret bunny. I hope you’re having a good day or night. 🥰 -sparkle ✨💫

Hello Sparkle dear! Thank you for being my secret bunny. I hope you are having a good day/night too and enjoying this wonderful comeback.

I’m enjoying it too! It’s such a good comeback, and I honestly love it. This is like my second comeback with them. -sparkle 💫✨

This is my first comeback, eek! I was not at all prepared for how much I would be waiting on the edge of my seat, but it's been really exciting!

Yes! It's such a good comeback honestly. When did you first get into BTS? What drew you to them? I'm sorry I'm asking for many questions. Lol. -sparkle 💫✨

It's okay, ask away! ^^ I stumbled across BTS by accident...which may indicate just how much I live under a cultural rock. I actually don't usually listen to much pop music. I'm a classically trained composer and video game soundtracks and moody indie/rock are more my jam, but last year I heard the YouTube ad that uses part of DNA and it intrigued me. I didn't know which song it was so I ended up listening through quite a bit before finding it...and fell absolutely in love along the way! So I have a soft spot in my heart for DNA. How about you, Sparkle? What got you into BTS?

So first, I hope you're having a too day/night! It's been a very long and busy one for me. I'm so glad to be off. Alsooo, I've been into Kpop for around 10 years now, so I've always enjoyed and I have a soft spot for 2nd gen kpop groups. When BTS started to get popular I didn't like them at first. But I saw Dope after the FBE channel reacted to them and I'm like okay they seem interesting around 2018. Lol. And I went down the hole, and have been stuck since. Lol. They're amazing. -sparkle 💫✨

Thank you Sparkle, hope you enjoy your evening off! Mine was busy too (we’re prepping for a move, eep) but at least it was productive. Wow, you’ve been into Kpop for a long time! Dope is really catchy (and I love that honky sax haha), I’m not surprised it got you interested and then hooked. :) Do you have a favorite era? Mine is probablyyy Wings, but I love most of Love Yourself too, and HYYH is so wonderfully nostalgic even if I wasn’t a fan then... and I’m a big fan of this new era too

Moving sucks! I'm going to be moving in the next year or so, and I"m not read for it. And yes! I've been into it for so long. But HYYH is one of my favorites as well. I think mine may be LY because that was the era that I started stanning them. I forget which one, but it's the one with idol as their title song. Wings is super amazing, and one of those that I'll always listen to. MOTS is just GOD TIER. Lol. I love it. -sparkle 💫✨

Haha MoTS being god tier is accurate xD Sounds like your move is a little ways off, but I wish you the best of luck when it happens! Ours is on a fairly tight deadline so I really have to hustle this weekend with house preparations (we still need to sell ours). I hope you have a lovely weekend, dear Sparkle! 💫

It is a little ways off, but moving just sucks in general. The packing and unpacking and then trying to get everything ready. Especially in your case. But I hope everything works out for you. And I hope you have a beautiful weekend too. -sparkle 💫✨

Thank you, Sparkle! We made a lot of progress today so I feel a bit better (and extremely tired). When the time comes, I hope you have the opportunity to prepare ahead for your move so it doesn't stress you too much. :) Have a nice start to your week! ✨

Heyyy! It's me sparkle! It's been alright so far, let's how it stays that way. And I'm glad you've made more progress on your move! Hopefully your Monday was good. -sparkle 💫✨

Thank you, Sparkle! There's so much going on in the world right now, close to home and far away... I am trying to stay calm and positive, with varying degrees of success. Please take care of yourself! (And that goes to everyone... I know it is difficult because we all have our own obligations to school, work, family, etc., but please try to prioritize your health and stay safe 💜)

Yes! I hope you’re staying safe. I don’t know what area of the world you live in and I know the virus is hitting others harder than most. We have 8 reported cases here. And it’s a scary to me. I hope you are staying safe. I just said that twice. Lol. Happy Thursday! -sparkle ✨💫

Thank you, you too! I live in the US (California, to be somewhat specific) and so far there have been two confirmed cases in my county. I'm grateful the university I work at is (finally) taking precautionary measures by banning large gatherings and moving classes temporarily online, and that I can continue working unless there is a full campus closure... Trying not to be too anxious about things that are simply out of my control and hoping that things gradually work out and improve. I'm also grateful for the community here, even if I don't know anyone personally, it is nice to come online and see people being reassuring and encouraging to each other from all across the globe.

Music and BTS are a good distraction when needed... Now that their promotional period is done, do you have a favorite moment?

I'll repeat you too, please stay safe dear, you and everyone who happens to read this 💜

I truly wish that my job would take some measures, and they have yet. I work with the general public a lot as a secretary. So it's like seriously having me on edge. I know the schools year have temporally closed down and moving things to online since it was spring break here. As well as the public schools closing for a month. Honestly, I'm not sure if I have a favorite moment honestly. Lol. They were all good moments, but I did quite enjoy watching all the ON performances. What about you?

I truly hope your employer catches on soon and makes accommodations so that you can practice some social distancing and have a safe work environment. We were just informed today that we have to work from home two days next week, on rotation, to keep our department staffed but also reduce the number of people on the floor -- for next week only so far, but I won’t be surprised if it continues past that. I can’t fulfill all of my responsibilities from home, so I’m grateful that they are allowing us to complete online trainings and such in the meantime. I am also so glad it’s Friday. What a week it’s been.

Ahh, I love ON! As a former member of drumline and marching band, I have such a fondness for the drum corps elements they incorporated into the music and background choreography. I was excited for the Official MV version too, so beautiful and thought-provoking! I also looove Black Swan (JIMIN’S DANCING EEK). I haven’t been as excited about something in a long time as when I stayed up late to catch their first performance on James Corden. So while I’ve enjoyed all of the comeback (especially as it’s my first!), that was particularly memorable for me. The surprise MV drop was also lovely 🦢🖤

Sorry, I am really rambly tonight. Please take care and have a good weekend! Hope you can get lots of rest! 💗

It’s been a long couple days! Sorry I haven’t gotten back with you! I’ve been stressed about everything going on, and I do hope that they catch on soon too. I was very excited for this comeback and the art in their videos has been beautiful. Black Swan and Jimin dance break? Quality content honestly. Yes! The surprise MV was great. I prefer this version of Black Swan over the other, but both are good. I hope you had a good weekend! -sparkle 💫✨

Hi again Sparkle, thank you for checking in on me! Please don't apologize for messaging delays, there's no need! We all signed up for this event long before any of this started, so I'm grateful you can spare a little time to chat with me. 💜 I'm working from home for at least the next 3 weeks because my uni is now fully closed... But I'm very grateful I have that opportunity. (As much as sometimes I would just like to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over, hah!)

Please continue to take care of yourself! Hope you find some comfort in music or other personal hobbies!

How are you doing? Last week was so stressful for me. So I am quite happy to be working from home this week. I hope you are staying healthy and happy through all of this! How was your week last week? I hope your weekend was alright? I had a pretty decent one me and a couple close friends had game night, and that was the highlight of my weekend. -sparkle 💫✨

I missed hearing from you, Sparkle! (But totally understand, the world is upside down right now.) I’m sorry you had a stressful week and I hope this one is better for you as you transition to working from home. My days have just fluctuated between quiet/boring and a little stressful (mostly re: house stuff, but that’s out of my control at this point), but I suppose I’m glad it hasn’t been worse than that.

Ooh what are your favorite games?? I’ve been trying to keep up creative side work between writing and blog content, but… I might purchase Animal Crossing soon hehe. Do you have any other hobbies to help distract you from stress/everything that’s going on? Take care dear! 💗

I know! I let time get away from me honestly! I hadn't been meaning too. I miss talking to you! I love all kind of games. I'm not particularly picky, but i do like that Game of LIfe. I've had just about ever version they've made. We played this one called Blockbuster in reference to movies and it was fun because if you know a lot of movies it's somewhat easy but you have to act out some of hte titles. Lol. Animal crossing seems like fun, everyone talks about it. Lol. -sparkle 💫✨ 1/2

I’ve never played it before. I’ve been thinking of getting an Nintendo Switch, but I don’t know how often I would play it. I know that game comes on there. But I heard it’s also an app? I’m not entirely sure. Lol. Also, I’m planning on making you a gif set for the secret bunny exchange! I know you said you love Jimin (my bias wrecker and sweet baby), Kookie, and Tae. And you were right, it’s hard to pick just ONE. Is there any particular one you want to see in a gif set? -sparkle 💫✨ 2/2

Receiving messages from you makes me happy! ^^ I know life is strange right now though so completely understand if you don’t have time. I’ll be patiently waiting!

So you like tabletop games? Sounds fun! I gravitate toward video games more personally, but haven’t had too much time lately to play. There are definitely fun ones to try if you ever get a Switch! There’s Breath of the Wild of course, which I admit I am still holding off on finishing because I don’t want it to be over LOL, some Mario & friends party games if that’s your jam, as well as some really beautiful indie games (Gris for example!). ANYWAY I won’t ramble about that anymore haha. I’m not sure what the app is, if you were referring to Animal Crossing–might be a companion to the game? I saw a tweet referring to using an app for quicker messaging in AC lol, but I haven’t played the game myself yet. 

Aw thank you so much for asking about the gift (and for making it in the future)!! Oh dear you want ME to pick one? If I’m honest, I think Jimin and Tae light up my heart the absolute most (any vmin content gives me life but totally understand if that’s not your thing) but… please don’t ask me to… choose between them HAHA. How about you go with whoever would give you the most joy to gif right now?? I will truly be happy to receive any gift from you, regardless of who is featured. :’)) thank you dear!! 

(Edit: btw who is your bias??)

I love tabletop games, and I play a lot of video games too. So don't get me wrong, I am huge into video games, but I don't play them as often. my boyfriend uses his PS4 all the time. I'm still trying to get through SpiderMan, but that's also because I don't wanna end it. I'm almost finished though. And yes! It's so hard to choose just one honestly, so I get your dilemma. And I can do vmin content! I don't gif them much and I want too. I can't wait to work on something for you! -sparkle 💫✨

Yay!! Sounds like we might have that in common. I have a huge appreciation for video games (and video game soundtracks is one of my favorite ‘genres’ of music, recognizing that they’re incredibly diverse of course), but I spend more time watching videos of other people playing them than playing them myself haha. We have a PS4 too. SpiderMan looked fun but I never tried it! I loved watching my partner play FFXV and Death Stranding. Trying to remember what I’ve actually finished on PS4, it’s been awhile lol... Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture and Rime were beautiful. I started Last Guardian but didn’t get very far before life got too busy. :( Hope I can pick it up again some day! Do you have a favorite PS4 game?

Aww you’re too kind. I’m so excited to see what you create!! And to chat with you off-anon. :) Who is your favorite member to gif?

Yes, I also like watching other people play video games, but it's rare when I do. I always end up getting distract sometimes. I've played SpiderMan, Horizon Zero Dawn, which are my favorites as well as Tomb Raider. I do really like FFXV, but i haven't played it in so long though. I can't wait to talk to you off anon either. I be having to really make sure I press the anon button. adlfkjsl I"m bad at forgetting. And Yoongi is my favorite to gif. -sparkle 💫✨

Oo I forgot I watched some of Horizon Zero Dawn too! Very impressive game. It looks like a lot of fun and I might try to play it myself in the future.. but like you said, it’s easy to get distracted. Life just likes to get in the way huh. Have you seen/heard of Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice? Intennnnse. I’m an absolute coward when it comes to horror games (or movies) and somehow my partner tricked me into playing one of the scariest parts because he got too scared HAH. That being said, as much as I love really emotionally intense games, I love soft gentle ones too… especially chill co-ops! (I’m thinking of the one we played most recently, Pode… that was on Switch though.)

Yayy Yoongi! I really do love all of BTS, and while the maknae line ran off with my heart, I have a big soft spot for Yoongi. I was never really drawn to rap/hip-hop except maybe Linkin Park like in middle school am I dating myself until I met Yoongi and just… wow.  ._. He’s so expressive in his delivery, his lyrics are heart-breakingly raw and honest, and he has extraordinary range between his gentlest material and the lines that come at you with a knife. Also I’m so proud of him for continuing to work as a producer and refine those skills on top of his life as an idol. What are your favorite things about Yoongi? If you can even choose haha 💗

Lol I know what you mean, I was really paranoid the first 2 weeks about sending anon messages to my other partners on mobile because the interface was different and I was really suspicious of the term ‘public’ vs ‘private.’ And every time I send the ask for about 5 seconds I question whether or not I clicked anon.

P.S. I should keep my mouth shut but … I have an itty bitty guess of who you may be. I won’t say any more than that and I guess I’ll find out in 2 weeks whether I’m right or wrong haha. xD take care sparkle dear!!

That game was really fun honestly. I still haven't finished. And sameeee! I am not into the horror games. The movies I can do, but the games I'm just too scared to really play them. I tried Resident Evil, and I was like this is a BIG FAT NO. Lol. And I haven't heard of that game though, but it sounds intense by the name of it. I also like soft gentle ones, or the ones were it's not a lot of challenging aspects to it. I really like Spyro. The original and the remake. -sparkle 💫✨ 1/2

Linkin Park is one of my favorite groups. I love them, and miss Chester so much. Also it sounds like we're maybe around the same age because that's when I got into them maybe? And I am so proud of him for everything that he's done. Yoongi originally wasn't my bias at first. I think maybe it was going to be Taehyung, but watching their variety shows made me fall in love with him. Outside of his hard exterior, he's so sweet and loving of the boys. It's so hard to just pick one! -sparkle 💫✨2/2

Okay, so one more. Lol. Because the ask limit is so short! I get paranoid all the time, and i have to like double check to make sure I Press it. alkdjfls NOW i'm curious as to who you think I am! But I do how you have a wonderful weekend. -sparkle 💫✨

Dying over your Resident Evil reaction because... SAME lol. However. I have enjoyed watching some playthroughs of 7 and the remake of 2, which is the closest I will ever come to watching a horror movie again. xD I have really fond memories of playing Spyro at my cousin’s house as a kid, but haven’t tried the remake yet! It looks like fun too. There are too many good games to choose from, not nearly enough time to play lol.

I only really listened to a couple of Linkin Park’s old albums, but I miss Chester too. \: We could be around the same age yeah! I’ll tell you when we’re messaging off-anon. :) 

If I may tell a story, my discovery of BTS went like this: heard a music clip in a YouTube ad of all places (normally skip them lol but I got it a couple times at work and thought hmm this is catchy). Then had to dive into some compilation videos to figure out which heckin song it was (turned out to be DNA). But along the way I found more songs I liked. And then I fell HARD for the Mic Drop MV (again, a little strange for me, because it’s pretty hip-hoppy). Jungkook makes this super intense expression at one moment that made me go oh. hello. So then I slowly learned who the different members were, and since this was me mostly streaming YT in the background at work haha, I had to keep switching tabs to check who was singing. I loved Jungkook’s singing but then also realized that I loved Jimin’s sweet voice too (yes I admit when I was first getting to know them, I could not always tell them apart). And THEN mister baritone Tae with his unique falsetto and delicious low range (I really wish they featured his chest voice more but OH WELL I digress) snagged my attention and ANYWAY long story short that’s how I fell in love with BTS and also the entire maknae line I guess. :’)

Hehehe I’ll tell you after the event ends if I’m right or wrong, don’t worry. It might be almost over, but I hope you had a lovely weekend too! ♥♥♥

Yes, somehow my sister convinced me to get it like she was going to play the game too, and she did not. I ended up exchanging the game because I'm like this is a waste of money. haha. I usually always skipped them too, so I totally understand. Everyone I knew liked but I had stopped listening to kpop for a while after the members of Big Bang went into enlistment (sad sad times). I first heard Dope. The FBE Youtube channel reacted to them, and I'm like OKAY GUYS. 1/3 -sparkle 💫✨

When Jungkook hits that high note I was like COME THROUGH VOCALS. So then naturally I had to go and look a few more videos. This was during around the time they had appeared on the AMAs the first time. And then I listened to I Need U and Save Me (this is one of my favorites). And I was hooked. I went and watched their Ellen interviews, and they're so sweet. I ended up binge watching their variety show and Bon Voyage and I was hooked then. -sparkle 💫✨ 2/3

Run BTS was when I realized that Yoongi was my bias. Because I'll admit that I did not like him at first, but I said that already. And then I just realized how sweet and funny he actually his. And I think he's just shy at times. At least in the beginning, but he's so handsome and his stage presence is like a 360 from him being off stage. If that makes sense. I could go on for house about Yoongi. Lol. -sparkle 💫✨3/3

The high notes in Dope are pretty ridiculous because they’re at the start of the phrase so they get little to no preparation lol. Their vocal abilities are truly impressive... and then they do it all while dancing :’) 

I agree that Yoongi’s stage presence is strikingly different from his real self! Or the self we get to see in their behind-the-scenes content lol. Possibly like a lot of people, I thought he was super intimidating and tough until I saw more of him offstage... and then went awww he’s a big softie who just doesn’t pull his punches when he’s rapping and producing.

Do you have any favorite Run BTS episodes? So far I’ve only watched a handful of the recent ones, but all the random gifs and clips of older content warms my heart or makes me laugh. I’d like to eventually watch them all from the beginning... some day lol. (see all previous mentions of being too busy to do anything fun outside of work haha)

They are ridiculous. I love when they hit high notes in songs. All the boys have such a beautiful range, and I love hearing them. Especially when they do their solo songs. Jimin's solos are normally my favorite because his voice is the type I tend to lean towards a lot His stage presence is so different! Just like Jhope's. It's always so different, but it's them all in a nutshell, if that makes sense. Lol. I was in Chorus for a while, and I liked it begin in a group. -sparkle 💫✨1/2

It's easier being in a group, but I could never do it by myself. And favorite Run episode? Hmmm, there are so many that I love. I prefer some of the older episodes to some of the new ones. I'll have to find them again, but there was one where they were doing like this haunted house type of thing and it had me dying of laughter. They're all so funny though. I'm still trying to catch up with some of the new ones they've been doing. -sparkle 💫✨2/2

The vocal line is so wonderful, but I’ve been increasingly impressed with the rap line’s singing too. I have always liked the beginning of Spring Day and I confess it took me an embarrassingly long time to wonder which one of them was singing, and I was surprised to learn that it’s Namjoon. Also his low line in Louder Than Bombs is wonderful... I don’t even care if it’s probably autotuned a little lolol. And I only recently found out about the song Sea, but Tae’s chest-range melody at the very end.. UGHGHGGH it’s too. good. (DEAR BIGHIT COMPOSERS, MORE BARI PLS.)

I had to sing in choir in grad school and ended up enjoying it way more than I thought I would. (I’m a composer/pianist and I needed ensemble credit.) I’ve always been really self conscious about my voice, and now... I would love to take vocal lessons some day. While I know that no two people will play an instrument exactly the same, it’s kind of magical that you don’t know what the true sound or full potential of your own singing voice will be until you train it. Do you play any instruments? :)

The vocal line is amazing. I love all of their voices for different reasons, and sometimes I'm in the mood for one, and then another time I'm in the mood for another. If that makes sense. I haven't listened to Sea that much, but it is such a beautiful song! And you're right. His chest tone HELLO VOCALS. Lol. I'd love to take vocal lessons one day, but not sure if I ever would. And I don't play any instruments, but I would love to learn guitar one day. Lol. It's a dream of mine. -sparkle 💫✨

Hii Sparkle. I’m sorry it took me a bit to get back to you, but it really makes me happy when I receive your messages! Yess Tae’s chest voice deserves all the shouty caps all the time hehe. I hope you have the opportunity to learn the guitar someday if that’s what your dream is! Everyone starts somewhere... I would love to learn the cello too :)) one day haha. 

Do you have a favorite “underrated” bts song? Just curious! Take care dear, looking forward to finding out who you are soon~

Yay! I'm glad you like hearing from me! I really like talking to you. I don't talk to many people on here sometimes, but then other times I do. So this is nice just to be able to talk with a fellow army. One day I will learn it, I just have to learn how to read music first. Lol. Because I definitely don't know how to. Hmm honestly there are a few that I feel are underrated, that i Iove. Spring Day, Hold Me Tight, and Autumn Leaves. These songs are queens! What about you? -sparkle 💫✨

Music is a lifelong learning process but it’s worth it. :’) I believe in you!! 

SPRING DAY!! 🌸🌸🌸 One of my all-time favorites. I honestly might not have a very good awareness of what is underrated and what isn’t, especially among older songs, but... I love Spring Day, The Truth Untold, Jamais Vu, and most recently Sea... lol hm I’m sensing a trend of bittersweet/melancholy songs. But also House of Cards (it’s just so delightfully WEIRD and dark and different??). On the other end of the spectrum (although not sure if it’s underrated?), Silver Spoon/Baepsae. What a jam. Love to tune out the world with that one at work on one of my walk breaks if I had a frustrating day. And maybe it’s too early to tell from MOTS 7, but I get the impression that I might love Louder Than Bombs way more than the average army. And that’s okay :)

I don’t talk to or know very many people on here yet too, probably because my blog is still relatively new. So I’m very glad to be getting to know you

I loved Spring Day as soon as I heard it. I still listen to it a lot when I'm in the mood for it. It's such a beautiful song. The Truth Untold IS A QUEEN. I love that one too. Jamais Vu, I think I have to be in the mood to listen to it sometimes, but it's growing on me. House of Cards, that one I heard last year sometime and I like that one too. I don't listen to it as much. And Silver Spoon is my go too song honestly on my way to work. Louder Than Bombs is really good. -sparkle 💫✨ 1/2

I listen to that one a lot myself. I think We Are Bulletproof 2.0 maybe one, but I'm not sure either. I absolutely adore that song so much. It's such a beautiful mad song honestly. And also you're right this update is kind of weird, but I don't mind the font so much. -sparkle 💫✨2/2

Yasss I’m glad you like Truth Untold too. It’s too beautiful. I practically cried when I heard for the first time a live performance video (somewhere in Japan) where he sang a higher note in the climax than in the studio recording auuughgghgh my heart. 

We Are Bulletproof pt. 2 took awhile to grow on me but I was happy when it did. I can be a little odd about the order in which I listen to songs, and usually need to listen in album order, but for some reason I really like that one after No More Dream. Also, though it’s hardly underrated, I now know what all the fuss is about Cypher pt. 3. I’ve been gradually purchasing their older albums (kinda out of order) and finally got to Dark & Wild about a month ago haha. I’m listening to all these mad songs now. Been in a weird sad mood for a lot of today tbh and... mad bts is helping a little haha. So is chatting with you!

I’m probably overreacting about the dashboard, but something about that bubbly serif font is irritating haha. And I don’t see this mythical option to revert to the old dashboard that people are talking about in their settings. Boo. I’ll get over it... eventually haha.

The Truth Untold is one of my favorites, and I normally don't like ballads a lot. It takes me a while to get into them, but this one just caught my eye. I'm learning Korean, and it's one of the ones that I can sing along too while reading the lyrics! I am super proud of that accomplishment. When I was going through their albums after I got into them, I skipped the older ones at first. I wasn't sure if I really liked them. -sparkle 💫 1/2

I listen to a select few of them on their darker albums, but a lot of it isn’t really what I like hearing. Although, I think I may revisit the albums again. It’s been a while since I actually listened to them. haha if you go to settings > dashboard you’ll see it there. Just let it load for a second, adn then it pops up. -sparkle 💫✨ 2/2

(Ugh I typed an answer and then tried to drop in a screenshot and everything disappeared. Got it, tumblr. No dropping images. REDO.)

Oo that’s awesome that you’re learning Korean! Are you self-studying? How long have you been studying? I’ve been studying Japanese for several years (very slowly lol). Then a few months ago, thanks to BTS, I was suddenly really interested in learning Korean too. I worked on memorizing hangul for a week and then had a “lol what am I doing” moment when I realized I didn’t know nearly enough Japanese yet to realistically tackle two challenging languages at the same time. So Korean is on hold for now, but I really wish I could just… magically be fluent haha. It would be amazing to understand their lyrics or interviews/conversations on the spot without relying on translations. And English is stupidly difficult, so as much as I appreciate how much effort they’ve put into learning too… as an international fan, I wish I could return that effort too and learn their language so that they don’t feel like they need to learn English. 

Love Yourself: Answer was my first album and I purchased that one specifically because it was a compilation and contained most of the individual songs I already knew I liked from YouTube haha. Then I expanded from there. To be honest, if I had found BTS when they were just getting started, or anytime before HYYH, I probably wouldn’t have connected with their music, sound-wise or thematically. But… they were exactly what I needed when I did finally find them. And now I have immense appreciation for their beginnings and how far they’ve come, even loving some older songs/styles that I never expected to. As I mentioned, I don’t usually listen to pop or rap/hip-hop… like ever haha. But something about them just reached into my heart and I’ll be forever grateful to them.

I tried what you suggested (waiting on the page) and… the text kinda jumped at one point as though something else had loaded, but nothing else displayed. Am I derping around on the wrong page? \:

edit: I see it in the source code, idk why the toggle isn’t displaying for me 🙃

Yes! I am self learning. I have been doing it on and off for like two years, but the last part of last year I've been doing it most often. However with everything that's going on, it's kind of slowed down and I've just been focusing on what's going on in the world right now. I feel the same. I think if I would have found them before, I don't think I would have liked them as much as I do now. I do have an appreciation for their older music even if I don't listen it to it much. 1/3 -sparkle 💫✨

Their first two albums I didn't like as much, but everything from then on I'm pretty sure I am obsessed with when I found them out. Lol. I do remember you say that previously that you don't listen to a lot of that style of music. What do you normally like to listen to? I listen to a lot of everything, so I'm not sure if I have a genre that i really stick too. Although, I think in the beginning i listened to a lot of hiphop/rap and alternative stuff. -sparkle 💫✨ 2/3

Then the older i got the more I got into pop music because I found kpop when I was about 17, and it's been stuck to me ever since. Lol. So I don't know I like a lot of music that makes me feel good and I can dance too or sing along with. I think maybe it depends on my mood. Lol . -sparkle 💫✨3/3

I think that’s awesome that you’re working on learning the language on your own! And I understand the challenges of keeping it up independently, especially in such strange and challenging times... I feel guilty that I stopped my daily kanji studying pretty much as soon as I started working from home. It was initially because I used my commute time to study (I’m in a vanpool) and... definitely lost some motivation once everything started changing. I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself though for taking a break, and I hope you are not either. I’m hoping to get back into soon and reform some study time habits :)

Yeah it sounds like you’ve been listening to Kpop for a long time! ^^ Aside from my fairly recent BTS obsession, I gravitate toward moodier music in general haha. Evanescence was my instant favorite way back in middle school and... tbh I still listen to their albums sometimes! I tended to like anything indie-ish with piano or rock + orchestra. I loved this European band Within Temptation, their music is like a blend of rock and symphonic orchestra. Nowadays, I love video game music and that’s probably what I listen to the most... Nobuo Uematsu (Final Fantasyyy), who is probably one of my biggest inspirations for pursuing composition, Austin Wintory (Journey, Abzu, etc), and more recently Jessica Curry (everything the Chinese Room studio made lol). The past few days I’ve been streaming the songs from Death Stranding. I admit I don’t tend to have a lot of variety... I’m kind of picky and when I find something I love, I will listen to that obsessively over and over for months on end. Like BTS. xD No regrets haha! But I know I should broaden my horizons too...

I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, but I know I'll get back into it soon as I set a schedule for myself. Evanescence is amazing, that's all I got to say. I love them so much, so I totally get it. That's interesting though. I love learning about others music interest. It's always so different and diverse from mine. And also, I realized I didn't answer your question about the dash, and for some reason I don't know why it's not showing up. You were in the right place though. -sparkle 💫✨

Yayy glad you like Evanescence! Yes it is amazing and also wonderful that we all have unique tastes. I know I should make a better effort to try out new things, because finding something new that I connect with is amazing (see: BTS hehe).

I'm so excited to meet you next week!! Please take care and enjoy the rest of your weekend 💗

Sometimes it’s harder to really step out the box. So I totally understand, but I’ve always kind of had “weird” taste in different music so I like listening to whatever it is I like! And yes! I can’t to show you what I’m working on. I’m still searching for things for it! Lol. So I hope you like it. Also I hope you have an amazing week! And also a good day! -sparkle ✨💫

I woke up way earlier than planned thanks to this new isolation insomnia, but I was so happy to see your message. 💜 I’m so excited to meet you, but don’t feel like you have to rush on the gift! I know whatever you make will be wonderful. I hope you have a great week too. Do you have any ~weird~ music suggestions? I’ll give them a try!

I totally understand how that is. I hate waking up earlier than I want too because then you don't want to get up out of bed, but then you're too awake to go back to sleep. At least that's how i feel. Hmmm, weird music suggestions? I'm not entire sure. I like Florence and the Machine, FK Twigs (this might be an acquired taste), Panic at the Disco. There's so much I listen too, and my mind is going blank. Lol. -sparkle ✨💫

Yeah, that was my feeling exactly. :( At least I put in a couple extra hours of work, so I’ll get to take a shorter Friday. Or whichever day we try to brave a grocery run.

Thank you, I will check them out! Hehe due to your comment, I am intrigued by FK Twigs. For some reason I couldn’t really get into Panic at the Disco in high school, even though I had friends who loved them, but... I do appreciate that someone made an Emote! at the Location bot on twitter. xD

I hope you are having a good week so far! Tbh mine has been a little gloomy, but... I am really looking forward to meeting you! And finding out if my guess is right haha :’)) Take care dear!

And I loved Panic! They were so good, I still love them or Brendon Urie. Lol. FK Twigs is really good, but I know she's not for everyone. I really enjoy her music honestly. And honestly, I'm just about finished with your gif set. I have to find a few more videos and I'll post it probably tomorrow or later tonight depending on when I finish. And hmm, I don't know I don't think it is, but it shouldn't be long though. however, I'm really curious to know who you think I am. -sparkle ✨💫

EEek I’m so excited!! (Please don’t stay up late just for me though!)

As much as I am terrible at branching out, I do enjoy finding new music I like, so thank you again for the suggestions! I will try to listen with open ears and mind haha. Have you heard of Fleurie? I stumbled across her music when an artist I followed made a piece inspired by some of her lyrics. She might be quite a bit different than the artists you recommended though.

I’m going to feel a little silly if I’m wrong, but I’ll tell you after the reveal so I don’t make a fool of myself early. xD Can I ask you one question – do you know your Myer-Briggs type?

I'll probably go to bed soon. I'm actually in bed. I just got stuck on the tiktok app, and I really shouldn't. I've never heard of her, but I'll have to check her out tomorrow and see what she's about. And yes! I do know my Myers-Briggs type! -sparkle ✨💫

Oops you fell down the internet rabbit hole before bed :) Hope you didn’t stay up too late and got enough rest!

Love and War is the first song I found by Fleurie, and it’s also the title of one of her albums. It’s a little bit older but probably my favorite overall! I love the song Hurts Like Hell. It’s devastating but beautiful.

Have a great day, hope to talk to you more soon! 💜

p.s. I’m INFJ ✨

I did fall down the rabbit hole of the internet. It always happens. Also you should check out Kerli! she's really interesting, and I really like her music. Her music videos are also really nice. Intriguing at most. Lol. And I'm infj too! -sparkle ✨💫

I know the reveal has been made, but I didn’t want to leave this sitting all alone in my inbox.

Thank you, Ash, for taking the time not only to make me a beautiful gift but to talk with me this past month. Thank you for being a light and comfort in these uncertain times. I will miss your little surprise messages, but I hope we keep in touch. Now I will go back to liking your wonderful posts (because I confess I held back once I started to guess who you were, I didn’t want you to be suspicious either HAH). I’ve said it a lot but I really hope you stay safe, healthy, and happy!!  💗✨💫💗

[popscenery]

Passion Pit, »Take a Walk«

by Jessica Doyle

In the summer of 2010, when I took a leave of absence from my PhD program, my dissertation was a helpless non-thing without a subject. In December 2018, I officially got my PhD, because my dissertation was done: written, revised, defended, revised again, approved, copied, formatted, distributed, carefully archived, accepted as an actual work of scholarship. It is arguably my most important professional accomplishment of the decade, and also arguably entirely inconsequential. The claim that 90 percent of academic papers go uncited is mostly untrue, but it is true for my dissertation, and I have the gaping void of a Google Scholar search return to prove it.

Trust me: as bitter and self-deprecating post-graduate students might be about their research (see previous paragraph), none of us start out planning to write something inconsequential. Certainly the subject of my dissertation was not inconsequential at all. “Take a Walk” is not my favorite song of the past decade, but it is the song that kept reminding me that the topic was worth writing about.

My dissertation examined what makes starting and maintaining a business easier or harder for Latino entrepreneurs in different American cities. Take Miami as an example, where 47% of all businesses are Latino-owned. That’s much higher than the national average (12 percent) and higher than the percentage in other cities with large Latino populations: New York, Los Angeles, Houston. So what’s so special about Miami? Is it because the Cuban population that arrived in the 1960s were often landowners or merchants fleeing Castro, and made wealth-building a priority in their new city? Is it the geographic proximity to Latin America and the Caribbean? Is starting a business in Miami easier than elsewhere? Is it something about Miami’s economy in general, or Florida’s? Finally (and more to the point), if policy-makers in another city wanted to put in policies that would help local Latino entrepreneurs flourish, what would Miami’s example offer as guidance?

To make a 295-page story short: it is much easier to turn immigrants into successful business owners if they come to the country with business experience and/or capital already at hand; and if the local immigrant population doesn’t start with those advantages, then policy-makers should focus on providing business education and access to financing, especially the latter. Latino immigrants in the United States who want to start businesses are more likely than native-born white entrepreneurs to use their own cash (which takes a while to accumulate), credit cards (which charge higher interest rates than do bank loans), or loans from family or friends (which means that loved ones, rather than banks with larger cushions, bear the risks). I’d say read the whole dissertation, but in all frankness you’d be better off checking out the research being published by the Stanford Latino Entrepreneurship Initiative, including this report. (It’s more concise and their data is more robust than mine was.)

This all assumes, of course, that you want to encourage Latinos, or other immigrants, or anyone at all, to start their own business. A lot of us--including me; including Michael Angelakos, the artist behind Passion Pit--have immigrant entrepreneurs in our family lineage. In interviews to promote the album Gossamer, Angelakos described “Take a Walk,” the lead single, as about different members of his family. The first verse’s portrait is a classic rags-to-riches, grateful-to-be-in-America immigrant story: I love this country dearly / I can feel the ladder clearly. But in the second verse, the story shifts to a new narrator, and so does the tone: I watch my little children / Play some board game in the kitchen / And I sit and pray they never feel my strife. The final narrator is eventually undone...

I think I borrowed just too much We had taxes, we had bills We had a lifestyle to front

...yet still insists on his participation in the American dream:

Tomorrow you'll cook dinner For the neighbors and their kids We can rip apart those socialists And all their damn taxes You see, I am no criminal I'm down on both bad knees I'm just too much a coward To admit when I'm in need

Apparently at one point a Fox News reporter failed to hear the irony, and asked Angelakos if the song was anti-socialist. But Angelakos told MTV News, “It's about very specific family members, the male hierarchy, and how the men in my family have always dealt with money.... All these men were very conservative; socially very liberal but for some reason, they all came here for capitalism, and they all ended up kind of being prey to capitalism.” He told a different interviewer, “These are all true stories; this is my grandfather and so on.”

Angelakos’s ambivalence is understandable. (Several of the pieces that greeted “Take a Walk” identified it as a direct reponse to the 2008 financial crisis, an interpretation he rejected.) The idea that anyone can come to the United States, start a business, and work their way to financial security and political freedom is an old one--the history of immigrants employing at higher rates than native-born Americans goes as far back as the Census Bureau has been keeping track of such things. But even for the successful it has its costs. The narrators of “Take a Walk” are estranged from their families, anxious about their ability to keep wealth. The theme of risk runs through the song. No one worries about getting fired; they have market investments, business partners, endless complaints about taxes (as one might if one has to pay both ends of the Social Security and Medicare taxes single-handedly.) The risk allows the narrators to make comfortable lives for themselves and their family, and yet Angelakos isn’t convinced, looking back, that they were better off.

Historically, if you were running for any sort of higher political office in the United States and were from a major party, you made sure to say nice things about small businesses and entrepreneurship, especially the immigrant kind. To some degree this is still true: Elizabeth Warren’s campaign platform includes a Small Business Equity Fund that would give grants to minority entrepreneurs. That said, I’m not sure the current dominant political energy on either the American left or right favors small businesses, who tend to hate tariffs. If you read the Green New Deal resolution, though it calls for a more equitable distribution of available financing to such smaller-scale lenders as community banks and credit unions, a lot of what it wants it can only get at a certain scale. It’s easier for a larger company to retool its supply chains to lower environmental costs than it is for ten small businesses to do the same. It’s easier for a firm with a thousand employees to absorb the cost of any one employee needing a higher wage to make rent, or a longer maternity leave, or extended absences due to illness, than it is for a firm with five.

And Music Tumblr in particular can be forgiven for not thinking highly of entrepreneurship. Most creative people--artists, musicians, writers--end up as entrepreneurs simply because decent-paying employment in those fields has never been easy to find. (In 2017, Angelakos spoke of dealing with venture capitalists and deciding to run his mental-health-focused initiative, Wishart, as a combination of for-profit and non-profit.) But no loan officer with a nickel’s worth of sense would approve a loan to enter a market so saturated that marginal revenue is typically zero or close enough, or where thousands if not millions of people seem thoroughly committed to proving themselves, in Samuel Johnson’s eyes, blockheads. Upon hearing, “You can do what you love, but the market won’t reward you,” a lot of people will reply, “To hell with markets, then.”

It all comes down to how you feel about risk. For a long time the dominant American thinking was that higher risk was the price entrepreneurs paid to have the chance to succeed on their own terms. (There’s an ongoing debate in the immigrant-entrepreneurship academic literature about whether any one particular group of entrepreneurs is “pushed” into entrepreneurship--as in, they only start businesses as the best of a bad set of money-making options--or “pulled,” starting businesses because they want to.) More recently has emerged the critique that not all experiences of risk are created equal, and that in championing immigrant or minority entrepreneurship we offload risk onto those people with smaller financial or even emotional cushions. The heightened experience of risk, and its attendant anxiety and feeling of constant scarcity, may be what Angelakos meant when he described his relatives as “kind of being prey to capitalism.”

I personally agree with that critique, and would throw in that the general perception of Latino immigrants as not-entrepreneurial denies them a road to acceptance (or bourgeois respectability, if you prefer) that their Swedish, German, Jewish, Italian, and more recently Korean predecessors have been able to walk. That was why I wanted to write about Latino entrepreneurship in the first place, and why I ended up writing about North Carolina’s Latino Community Credit Union and associated initiatives as a promising case study. But I would caution against crossing the line from wanting to reduce risk for vulnerable minorities to regarding asking them to bear any kind of risk as imperialist and offensive. Risk can’t be eliminated altogether, and there are costs to scaling risk to higher levels of human activity and trying to diffuse it. A small business committed to a bad idea does a lot less damage than a government policy committed to a bad idea, even if the latter is more equitable in the range and number of people it effects.

Writing a dissertation is a humbling process. I’ve never written and recorded a song, but I imagine that process humbles too. (When “Take a Walk” came out Angelakos was not shy about disliking it, though he seems to have grown fonder of it as time goes on: “I like that it’s so uncharacteristic of me,” he said in 2017.) You work and work and work, all the while knowing you have no control over how your audience will hear your message, or if there will even be an audience. You can never be sure that you read enough, or chose the right method of analysis, or treated your subjects with sufficient respect. You’ll never know if you’re actually on the side of the angels. If the “angels” are metaphorical--if you don’t actually believe in a god, or God, whose love is greater than your human tendency to error and self-deception and treachery--then the risk is even higher. And yet, without that risk, how would you ever be able to say anything worth saying?

[common-blackbird]

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I’m not good with gaming and i never really imagined myself finishing any game, so this was a whole new experience for me... I really sucked. At one point i remember even crying when i just couldn’t fight smth. I hate asking for help (i’m infinitely grateful for it), or even looking “how to do this” bc i feel like i cheat, while when i just can’t beat smth in the game it makes me feel dumb.  But i learned that usually happens bc i’ve been playing for too long.

So where to start.... The thing i liked most is the lore. Not just the content of it (which is very entertaining) but also the way it’s portrayed: through conversations, through various notes you find around, and it’s not just “well this is how it is” but rather sometimes contradictory claims that reflect different cultures. I love how you only ever see one country, but hear a lot about the others (well mostly Orlais, but there are tidbits from other countries as well), but also various cultures. I also love how the complex situation is in the game. The question of mages, the repression of elves, the dwarves and their culture, the question of religion.

The game is really good at setting the moral ambiguity and make you have hard choices. Once you realise there’s a pattern it does get easier, but some just make you wonder a lot what is the better choice.

While we’re at it let me talk some quests and decicions.

Free the elves?

So the easiest choice (though i don’t really think there was much of choosing) is the elves-slavery in denerim. Free elves, free citizens, i don’t even understand how did they get to be second-class citizens (or maybe i just forgot, i’ look it up), but they literally did nothing wrong, aren’t dangerous and frankly, there’s so much wilds in ferelden, i don’t see what’s the problem. However, though i don’t know if that was implied, if you go strictly against slavery, but this was a deal made between ferelden and tevinter, you risk a decline in diplomatic relationship as well as economy i assume, so it could be a setback. But again, if you have free citizens elves that are not just piled in one place, you can freshen up your own economy with capable workers. Like, even if you regret breaking a relationship with tevinter (that doesn’t even happen but i was thinking about it at the time), and the elves riot and go against you once you do give them freedom bc lot of bad history between ferelden and elves i guess, it’s still a morally & practically easy choice.

Free the mages?

This was... hmm... mage rights... I LOVE how they went about this problem. So the mages are problematic bc doing magic also means you can get posessed by a demon which results in a catstrophe (like that kid that demolished redcliffe). So they’re locked into a circle tower where they are trained and have a rigorous discipline and are under the watch of templars who might kill them if they try to escape? Mages who actually do escape the tower get hunted down and are forced back, or they get killed, especially if they attempt the bloodmagic (immoral dangerous magic practice?).

It’s kind of obvious that the game leans more to the mage rights (i mean, i wish there was a more memorable templar who isn’t like “mages are bad” by default, but they are kinda trained that way. tbh i just wish we had more templars...). At first, the only mage (other than that one in ostagar) you acutally meet is morrigan, who... who is not a very good example of “why people think mages are bad”. She’s cool, she handles magic really good, yeah she seems to be against the world, but what can you exepect when templars would kill her on sight? Even when alistair is constantly suspecting her, he’s basing that on her being a mage, and not on her saying really creepy immoral stuff. So initially i was all for mage rights. Then things didn’t really help much in the circle tower bc all templars were for just killing all the mages bc things got out of hands. Retrospectively i get where they’re coming from, but still, they seemed really incapable at the time. But then i met wynne, and she told me her backstory. And what really stuck with me is that

1) they find out she’s a mage bc she set someone on fire = mages are dangerous

2) while one templar ignored her completely, the other templar that brought her to the tower was nice to her and carried her on his shoulder (which is very cute) = templars don’t have to be so antagonistic towards mages and

3) the circle tower does not only protect the people from mages, but also the mages from people, bc people are bigoted and scared and will kill a mage = a social/cultural problem.

In any case, i feel like simply freeing mages just like that would turn out to be a terrible mistake bc they are kinda walking time-bombs and they’d be ostracized from society which would make them turn desperate bc no protection, then you get easily corruptible, and so it brings lot of trouble. That being said, obviously, it’s bad to keep people locked up in a tower for life. So i guess i’m more for reforming the circle with mages being treated as humans and not walking time-bombs, templars not being taught to be antagonistic towards mages, but rather their partners(?) bodyguards(?), mages having right to employment once they prove they’re capable of handling magic well, and if needed take one templar with them so people can feel safe. The Circle is already institution made for the rights for the mages, it just needs a lot of work on it. Idk. there wasn’t much of the ~what’s it like to live in the circle~ since you walk into a disaster, so i don’t want to be all in for the mages or all against the mages. I’m a dwarf. Magic is domain i don’t bother to understand.

Orzammar social problems

Tradition vs. reform, at the cost of a monarch or a dictator. That was actually a really easy choice if you’re playing a dwarf. If i played a noble dwarf, i’d defintely choose Harrowmont bc he’s 1) nicer, 2) looks more capable, 3) doesn’t seem that powerhungry. But this also means that current system based on castes. Equality is not even a myth there, it’s an apocalyptic outlook. Which takes another form of a bad side when you have the ostracized casteless dwarves, stripped of all rights and treated like dirt (and that was my warden). So, harrowmont is the safe choice for a current state. Nobody really cares who’s on the throne bc nobody expects the system to change. But if you choose Behlen for a king (who’s accused of murdering his father), you get a reformist who is open to including the casteless in some form into the system. As canon fodder. Despite the grim outlook of being used as a canon fodder, it does open a possibility of upping your status based on the merits. The paragon system is already such a leeway to better your status (bc if you do something outstanding that the drawves, you are revered as a god), but it’s virtually impossible to do something of that scale as a casteless (unless you.. finish the game). On the other hand if you choose Behlen, it’s pretty obvious he’s powerhungry dictator. But i chose behlen bc my sister was his concubine and prospect of including casteless in any form would be a good offer for a casteless dwarf.

Kill/let the mother kill the child or do this bloodmagic-not-so-bloodmagic(?) ritual to save him?

Ah, my disaster. So, of course, i wanted to help the kid, and when the bloodmage said there’s a ritual that can be performed, i just needed to get other mages there, i chose that, i went to the circle tower, i did the whole damn mission there, got back to the kid and, like the fool i am, went straight to the boy instead of talking first to mages, which resulted in me alone dealing with him, which resulted in me making his mother kill him, get yelled on by alistair and there’s no option “it was on accident” to say to him (which frankly would be a terrible thing to say), and then he starts putting himself down bc now my warden is trying to justify herself, which is another level of misery bc i’m fighting a really nice guy who hates children being killed and feels bad that he’s angry about that. anyways, that was a mess from start to finish.

speaking of other messes,

Haven village mission

well, there’s no hard choice in this mission, it’s “side with fanatics who worship a dragon or be reasonable and find the urn”. (i do wonder what do you get from siding with fanatics now). but this mission was such a rollercoaster for me. I did everything backwards. You come into this creepy little isolated village where nobody likes you and they are some kind of fanatics of older gods. So it turns out that first you’re supposed to walk into one house and find a corpse there, which i totally overlooked so  instead i killed the merchant in the village, went to the church, killed everyone there, then went out and killed everyone in the village, i found genitivi (a researcher who got captured there), but i still couldn’t finish the mission until i got into that villagers house and saw the corpse that was supposed to be my first inkling of supicion for the village. So the whole storyline didn’t make any sense. And later, when i was supposed to walk humbly to the urn, i was supposed to first leave all my belongings on an oltair, so i did, but didn’t realise i was actually supposed to do that so i took them back and then i couldn’t put them back again on the altair, so i had to fight that guard there and died lol. I hated every part of that mission. it was creepy, hard and i’m lucky i didn’t smash the urn in the end.

The werewolf problem

That one was easy, like, the whole problem of werewolves is bc the head elf lives for too long and there’s nothing so fitting as holding grudges for eternity which endangers the whole clan. I have only one complaint and that is my god the forest is confusing. Each time i go into the forest i get lost.

The golem quest was fun bc that end with Shale randomly killing a chicken always gets me. I love it. Return to ostagar was on the other hand very uneventful for me, but i did see a video with what banter you have if you have wynne and loghain in your party and it’s really intense how wynne keeps attacking him.

Random thought, but today i watched this video about dragon age origins and the guy said that mages are best for combats bc they can do most damage in range, which is probably true, but tbh most of the time for me it was usually the mage who dies in the battle. Morrigan is super useful for attacks, and Wynne for defense, but they’re both as frail as daisies and i’m left with low-stamina melee fighters. And that happens when you’re fighting an archdemon. You’re crying as you drink your last health poultice. You wish you brought wynne. But wynne had been dying just as often, which renders her power of revival pretty useless.

And now, the characters. Lets start humbly with my own.

This game made me realise i’m bad at roleplaying. I scroll through tumblr and see how people just love the character they’ve created and they are so cool and seem so interesting. Me? let me show how i create my character: i don’t like using magic bc magic is often complicated so mage is out of the question. warriors are usually strong so i can’t relate, so i’ll be a rouge and talk people into doing the dirty work for me. i loved elves so fiercly as a kid i got fed up with them and can’t stand them so i’ll not be an elf, but humans seem boring so i’ll be a dwarf. After all i’m short, i can relate. Bonus points, they are imune to magic. Since i’m casteless, i decided to look ugly (i’ve been told my warden looks like the crying cat meme). In the end, compared to the rest of my warden’s family, she looked like an adopted child. At the beginning i had the idea that i would make this character grow from “in it for herself” to “a hero” bc it’s a typical hero story anyway, but in the end it was just a self insert with really dumb mistakes who doesn’t get what she’s signed up to. I guess it’s easier to actually make interesting characters once you already know the stories and the choices so it’s easier to choose according to the characterisation you make and not “what if i screw up?”.

Alistair

So after you get chosen by Duncan (a cool honorable guywho gives you chance to make something of your casteless self and then makes you drink poison), the first guy you meet is alistair - a fellow grey warden who used to train to be a templar (which is as far as we go in meeting templars) and happens to be a king’s bastard son. He is dorky, funny, a genuinely nice person and on level of insecurity that even surpasses mine. He’s impossible to dislike. What i really like about the characters is that they’re super simple, which makes them both their charm and their annoying trait. for example, he often puts himself down, which i relate and am symphatetic and am all “nah you’re really nice”, but the next time he does that i’m “mate, you gotta stop doing that”. But it’s still kinda cute.

What did irk me throughout the game is him being my senior, but making me the leader. I literally pass the test 1 day before everybody gets killed and he is the only grey warden who knows what grey wardens do. Not only that, he’s like the only guy with me at the beginning who knows where’s what and knows the culture. I’m a friggin dwarf who is afraid that i’ll fall into the sky, have no interest to get myself killed, but now i’m a leader. But that’s not even the issue, bc i am already the main character. The problem is when every character in the game acts as if i’m the only surviving grey warden when alistair is right there. “Only you can do that, oh you’re a grey warden”. Alistair knows more about grey wardens than i ever will. I wish they just mention “can either of you two”. It’s like he doesn’t exist lol.  I didn’t take him often to missions and pretended he’s doing some grey warden business i know nothing about. The only character who makes sense to completely ignore alistair as a grey warden is anora. But whatever, he doesn’t want any spotlight, so i guess he’s happy being considered “that sidekick grey warden”. Even as frustrating as it was, i really liked his avoiding of responsibility whatsoever and his low confidence, it really makes room for character growth.

Dog

the best character in da:o.

Morrigan

She’s obviously a polar opposite to alistair - overconfident, kind of mean, kind of selfish, her jokes are mean. I mean, when i imagine alistair i imagine a dog, when i imagine morrigan, that’s a cat. And while as a person i don’t really like her that much, but her dynamics with other characters are really fun. What really made me love her is that mystery “is she evil or not”, ( which I guess she’s not considering she’s still a buddy in later games(?)), but combined with her relationship with flemeth who also might or might not be evil. she keeps opposing her mother while being compliant to her. She does what flemeth asks bc she knows that flemeth is more powerful. It makes you wonder how terrible her upbringing was if you’re certain your mom has some fishy plans in which you might get killed in the process. But instead of just running away and doing exactly the opposite of what flemeth commands, even after hearing she’s dead, she still goes on with flemeth’s idea, so i’m guessing she just wants the demon baby for herself(?). In any case, her (justified?) paranoia with flemeth makes her really compelling.

SPEAKING OF DEMON BABY, turns out the reason flemeth saved the warden and alistair was so that the warden could convince alistair to have sex with morrigan. which means that if the warden is a guy, and let us assume a straight guy, she’s counting on at least 50% chance of the male straight guy hating morrigan so much he would sooner convince the other guy who definitely hates morrigan to have sex with her than doing it himself. Yikes.

Sten

Sten is a character you respect. Some things he said really resonated with me and it made me think a lot. His regret over killing that family totally flew over me at that time (bc zevran was talking his head off how he killed this guy and that guy so who cares about sten killing some family, i’m already going to hell for tolerating assassins and making a mother kill her child), but later it was quite peculiar that he’s so ready to kill me and he’s pretty ruthless at everything he does, so you’d think this big guy has no problem getting over this. His regret made me more interested in his culture and his rigorous honour-code. I’d really love to see Par Vollen. At the end i even told him i was going to be joining him on his way back to Par Vollen (i wanted a new character for awakening), but that didn’t work out sadly :(

Leliana

I think most endearing part of Leliana is that she truly seems to believe all the right things, even though you’re made suspicious considering she was (or is?) a spy. That woman talks so much. And she’s always in the right. Always.  Making a spy become a hardcore believer in god is cool, bc i always doubt her. She knows her way with words, she always says what you want/need to hear. Of course she would be playing a religious girl if that meant she could convince me that she’s harmless. But it’s also fun that she truly believes it and has a hard time convincing you that considering you keep doubting everything she says. I really like her.

Zevran

I was really surprised when i saw that Zevran is a fan-favourite. I guess it’s that he has a tragic-slave-turned-assassin backstory. I... am completely indifferent towards him. I’m sorry. He was just that one bisexual hedonist assassin who happens to have been a slave long time ago. I guess, by the time i got his backstory, i was already immune to angst... But thinking back, i really like that he’s the bad guy in his backstory, he’s the one doing betraying, while leliana for example got betrayed. And i’m a little bit sad that all he learned from that episode was that assassins are expandable, while, when you look at it, he fails to realise everybody in antiva is expendable.  That’s a really crazy country right there. I mean, he’s killing people right and left, and never really thinks back about them. Even if he doesn’t like to do it (which he never really said he does, but it’s not like he had a choice so let’s give a benefit of the doubt), he never really thinks about his victims. The only thing that made him realise that he was expandable was his killing of his partner/lover. (or if he figured that out, i didn’t notice it). But yeah, bragging about sex and death doesn’t do it for me i guess. I did love his banters with Wynne. You can see how she’s trying to get him to open up, to see that there’s more to him than a hedonist, and she just giving up every time when he makes it about sex.

Wynne

Wynne is my top 3 faves. She’s also the reason i’m not against the Circle. Before i met her, i was all “yeah mages should be free and don’t need any control” bc there’s just morrigan and a bad case of not-taking-care-of-your-child-mage posession thing. But then Wynne starts talking about her life in the circle and you see that it’s not just “we hate mages so we keep them imprisoned”.  You see that learning magic is hard (morrigan makes it look easy, ok?) and disaster can happen in a blink of an eye. And you find out how flawed she was, and it feels like she really learned from her experiences. And she’s so openminded and genuinely nice, typical granma-mentor-character. Best human in the camp.

Shale

Another one of my top 3 faves. Shale won me over the moment they murdered that poor chicken. I love having shale in my missions, they’re useful, they’re snappy, they’re perfect. And finding out that shale used to be shayle, a dwarf noble who willingly became a golem was one of my fave missions. I was so focused on the myth & legend of branka, that shale took me by surprise. And imagining a dwarf lady with shale’s personality makes me want to go back in time and meet shayle ;__;

Oghren

He’s pretty much like zevran: i like him, but too many alcoholic-jokes. Out of all characters, he looks like the biggest comic-relief. I like how insanely loyal he is. And I liked being his wingman x)

Loghain

I really like him. I shouldn’t like him as much as i do. i wish he could have been in a party earlier or without alistair-walking-out consequences. You start seeing that he’s not just a bad guy when you see that he’s always sad there when anora is scolding him. And I really loved that anecdote with him ruining every rose he touches so he found a rose and brought it home himself. Awww. If he didn’t order me executed at sight, i’d be his best friend. His paranoia (or justified fear?) of orlesian invasion made him do lot of political mistakes, but you can see he has good intentions. He’s not a bad guy. And he’s really clever. But also i will never understand how he didn’t get rid of Rendon Howe.

I’m so conflicted over him abandoning Cailan. I hated cailan, but to him, cailan was almost flesh and blood(?) I mean, he’s everything that’s left of two people he loved so abandoning him must have been terrible. I’m still trying to wrap my head around why he would go to that length to betray cailan rather than forcefully take him back by the means of drugging him and carrying him back to denerim. Maybe cailan was so problematic with his ideals before and this was just one decision too much. But then again, loghain was dealing with idealistic maric since forever. I don’t know. He’s just such a compelling character to me. I wouldn’t recruit him storywise bc i feel like his time was over. He had to die there. you know how in stories, the hero can’t live too long, bc there is no being the hero the second time. They’re always tragic. And since he attempted to be the hero again, he had to pay the price and become a villain.  And he needs to tragically die. Which makes him more memorable than saint marric.

Also i watched a video with what happens if you go back to ostagar with loghain and wynne and it’s whoa... wynne is merciless with her attacks on loghain.

Anora

MY QUEEN. I was debating a lot whether alistair should be a king or not and then anora showed up and everything became clear. She’s such an amazing person. You can see her as righteous, as powerhungry, as manipulator, as terrible or wonderful and all of that would be true. She’s ready to do everything to keep that throne. You can see she loves her father, but she is going against him and is relying on your mercy for his life, and accepts his death so quickly. She implies that, while she did love cailan, her marriage was arranged and her husband an idealistic fool and she’s not surprised how he ended up. And sure, she’s telling you all you want to hear: that she loved him, that she was warning him about what his idealism will get him to, but can you really trust her? Especially with cailan’s correspondence between arl eamon, where eamon is trying to get rid of anora, and empress celene, who’s suspicious to say the least. I could easily imagine she did not warn, but support cailan in his idealistic views bc he hinders her rule with his blind idealism. I could just as easily accept that she truly did love him, and she did warn him, but alas, her husband is a fool. Everyone is against her in the game, and if i didn’t get her to win that throne after everything she’s done to get it, it would just be sad to watch. which brings me to the mission:

Choosing a ruler

Anora proved more than anyone that she’s the best candidate.  Setting alistair on that throne would feel so ungrateful, he had no agency whatsoever in becoming a king and if i married him to anora, then i’d just get another pawn in her - or eamon’s - hands bc it’s obvious who’s playing the game here. I’d feel bad for alistair. He should get his own development based by his own merits rather than ~king’s blood~. Also with setting him on the throne you change nothing bc he can’t have kids anyway (unless you count the demon baby which would get this to another level of really messed up succession stories), and anora (according to eamon) seems to not be able to have kids(?) so they’re basically the same. Also, anora has unlimited time to rule, while alistair will die in what like, 10 years? and what then? Morrigan becomes queen regent bc she’s the baby-demon’s mother? That’s a disaster. And anora is right when she says that setting up a grey warden after they’ve been proclaimed enemies of the state only makes it look bad. I have learned that grey wardens, it turns out, are very political, but i just didn’t want to be. Also, alistair devotion was literally never towards marric and only for duncan. He even kills Loghain for duncan, and not for cailan. I really like anora being a queen. I know i can’t count on her bc she is ruthless like loghain, but also loyal only to the kingdom. It feels like, that’s the only thing she got to choose in her life and she’s willing to sacrifice everything for it. And that makes her a good ruler.

the ritual

oh man. that was... awkward. I knew it was gonna happen but... you know what i think? Sure, flemeth told morrigan what she’s gotta do, but, i doubt morrigan really knew what she’s getting into. I know the kid is a normal kid in the end, but i like to think that at the time, morrigan had no idea whatsoever what is this ritual going to turn up with. First, this this ritual feels like a fanservice. Second, on the matter of dub-con, i’ve seen a lot of people saying that alistair was non-con and morrigan is... a bitch?  i thought about it and all i saw was this: your mom, whom you hate and are convinced she’s going to kill you one day, tells you you’re going to have a sex with a guy you don’t know, who hates you, and have his child, and you probably don’t want children, who will definitely be possessed with a god-spirit-thing. So, you got two choices, while you’re traveling with your merry band: you won’t do it or you do it for yourself. So i guess morrigan saw an opportunity and decided to go along with it, but use it against flemeth. Which is a really sad thing bc the moment she decides to have the baby for the power for whatever reason, she is basically becoming flemeth herself (or at least her idea of flemeth: someone who uses children for her own gains instead of loving them). So knowing that, i can’t see morrigan being a bitch either way for deciding to take the ritual. She definitely doesn’t like alistair after all, and she’s becoming the person she hates the most + she acts like she doesn’t care about anything, but she also wants to save the warden. So yeah, i definitely went overboard with this, but i don’t see morrigan enjoying the ritual.

I do wonder what she’s planning to do with the demon baby tho. or how terrible is she at raising a baby. I mean, her tolerance and patience levels are really low. I also wonder whether she’s right to be wary of flemeth or is she only paranoid. Flemeth seems like much wiser and sees morrigan as a kid with her paranoia. She pretty much dominates. I would love both morrigan being totally off the track with her suspicious about flemeth and her being right to be wary of flemeth.

So yeah, that was a huge ramble. If you made it this far then i bow to you. Idk where i was going with this... i just wanted to get out my thoughts and have it in one place.  I probably said bunch of things wrong and misinterpreted the characters, made typos, forgot to say bunch of other things so, sorry for that.  i’m a newb. But i loved it! It made me go into fantasy mood.

[midwinter-fox]

Admission

First Chapter

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"I love you."

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop and think, but it felt natural to say it - like it had been on his tongue for a while now. Leonore stood and stared at him, making him wonder if maybe he'd been too hasty. Had she not already told him that she loved him? Surely she hadn't changed her mind in the short time since then. The smile that broke forth on her face was slow and accompanied by a soft blush and what looked to be a tear. Impulsively, he reached for her and wiped the tear away with his thumb.

After nearly losing her the way he had, the realization that he couldn't be without her hit him like a ton of bricks. Fear had sunk its claws into him so fiercely that he would have lost his mind to rage had he not been so determined to find her and keep her safe. When he did find her, it was like searching for his Rhena all over again. This time though, when he looked into Leonore's eyes and saw the hope as she gazed upon his bestial form, a surge of possessiveness gripped him. He didn't want to protect her, he needed to. She was so relieved to see him, a true relief that was so clear to read on her face. That she was so easy to read made it easy to open himself to her, and that was part of what made him finally come to terms with the fact that he truly did love her.

When she leaned into the hand that cupped her cheek, he couldn't contain his feelings any longer. He swept her up into an embrace and kissed her long and hard, desperate to feel her love for him too. She returned the gesture in full, wrapping her arms about his shoulders and pressing close to him - as close as their physical forms could allow. They only parted to allow each other a chance to breathe, but he was so overcome with emotion that he continued to shower her face and neck in kisses. Her giggle graced his ears, and he delighted in it. If he could lay her out right here and take her, he would; ipnstead, he once again scooped her up into his arms and once again nuzzled her affectionately.

"I love you," he murmured against her neck before pressing another kiss there.

"I love you too, Dettlaff." Her grin was brighter than the sun. "I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. What about what you said last night..? How you can't love me like you had before."

"I do not love you like I loved Rhena." Before her smile could disappear, he kissed it back into place. "My love for you is different. Her love was selfish and fierce. It was a passion that threatened to burn us alive. But you, I feel.. I cannot describe it well. It is warm and fuzzy and leaves me breathless when you smile. I want to give you all I have because I know you will give me something in return. She took from me until I had nothing left to give, but you wish to share with me so we may be happy together."

"You know I would do anything for you, right?" Inwardly, he sincerely hoped not, but the sentiment made his heart soar.

"And I, you."

Her grin was back, and the look in her eyes was one of both love and desire. He shared it in kind, a smile finding its way to his usually stoic face. It was soft, but it conveyed what he wanted her to know.

"Come. I wish to bring you back to Dillingen. Your employer will have to find someone else to take your place for today."

"Wait, what? Dettlaff, I told you--"

"If you need food, I will provide. I will provide for all of your needs. For now, let us return home so you may recover from your endeavor."

"But I--"

"Stop. No more. If you'll not come with me by choice, then I will convince you through other means."

"Such as?"

This time he silenced her with his kiss, one that left her dumb. His lips had parted hers to allow for his tongue to slip past along with a low growl, further deepening their embrace and tearing a moan from deep inside her. Even after he broke it, she felt weak and stupid, but the look in his eyes told her he knew exactly what he was doing - he looked almost playful, something Leonore had never seen in him before now.

"Any more objections?"

"Ehm..?"

"Good."

With that, he gently hoisted her up onto the back of her mare with relative ease. She had to shift her skirt so she could sit comfortably, reminding her that she needed to stop wearing skirts when travelling out of town. Then, Dettlaff climbed up to sit behind her; the horse shifted a moment as she got used to the extra weight, but with a stroke of the mane, she settled back down. Leonore had to scoot forward as far as the saddle would allow, but she still ended up with her back flush against him. Neither of them would have had it any other way.

---

He could've made the trip himself in a matter minutes, but Dettlaff didn't want to leave Leonore to travel alone - especially not if there were more thugs lurking about. Besides, holding her against him like this was worth the hour long trip at the speed they traveled - she wanted to have mercy on her horse and allow her to set a more leisurely pace for the first half of the return home.

"You know, this doesn't usually happen," she commented, breaking the silence as they watched the scenery pass slowly.

"Hm?"

"Bandits, I mean. I've delivered goods out here before and never had any troubles until today."

"It is not something you can control nor anticipate. I am simply glad to have found you safe." He punctuated his sentence by pressing his lips to her crown. There was no telling what he'd have done if she'd been hurt or killed.

"You do have impeccable timing," she hummed approvingly. With his hands on the reins she settled with keeping one hand on the horn of the saddle and the other on his thigh. She'd told him it was for stability, but it was also an excuse to touch him as much as she could get away with. He definitely didn't mind - not any more.

"Thank you again, Dettlaff. Not just for saving my life, but the farmer and his family too. I take it they know you're a vampire too now?"

"No. I dispatched the thugs by other means."

"With that dagger?" It was the first time she'd seen him wearing it, though she supposed he wouldn't have a need for it if he was just strolling about town or staying home.

"Indeed. I did not wish to reveal myself before them, but you.. You deserved to know eventually." The tone with which he spoke made him sound almost forlorn, so she gave his thigh a comforting squeeze.

"You thought it might scare me?"

"Did it not?"

"Well.. Yes and no. Sure, I was frightened at first, but I knew it was you as soon as you turned to face me. I'm glad I know what you look like in your vampire form. Now I won't mistake you for someone that might actually mean me harm."

Her words dug deep. It was only natural for her to be afraid, but that he actually brought her comfort even in that form pleased him greatly.

"I will never hurt you, liefje, no matter what form I take. This I promise." He pressed another kiss, this time to her shoulder.

"Keep that up and I'll have to exact my revenge on you as soon as we get back to town."

"What do you mean..?" Had he done something to upset her?

"You kiss me, but from where I sit, I can't kiss you back."

"This bothers you..?"

"Immensely. Why should you get to have all of the fun? If you're going to keep kissing me, then you'll have to pay dearly when we get back."

"And how would you make me pay?" She didn't have to see him to hear the smirk in his voice.

"Oh you'll see."

---

As soon as they returned to Dillingen, Leonore managed to persuade Dettlaff to get them to her house so she may tie up her horse then see about getting someone to cover the rest of her deliveries. No amount of begging or bargaining would move him from his firm stance in regards to letting her finish her job - not even the promise of sweets. Her manipulative pout almost did it for him, but he managed to tear his gaze away from her and remain unmoving. As such, she bade him stay while she handle matters with her employer and she would return shortly. Initially, he'd wanted to go with her, but he decided he'd stay put at the very least.

This was the first time he'd been to her home, and he was mildly impressed considering she was neither rich nor of higher birth. At least, he was until he realized that she could afford such spacious living because she lived very humbly. There wasn't much for furniture inside save for a sofa and side table in the foyer, a small cooking ensemble in the kitchen, and a bed and dresser in her room - there weren't even any decorations to speak of. Most of the peasant homes here barely even had two rooms in the whole building, and he contemplated why she had so much space all to herself. It was very clean at the least, but he couldn't help but feel like no one had lived there in years.

Just as he'd decided to sit and wait for her, the door opened and in she walked. She'd only been gone for about ten minutes, but he was all the more grateful for it.

"He wasn't happy about it, but after telling him about how I nearly died, he seemed to feel a bit sorry for me. He gave me the rest of today to recuperate and even went so far as to allow me tomorrow as well."

Outwardly, Dettlaff smiled, but inwardly he was practically cheering.

"This is good news. I wish to take care of you tonight if you will allow it."

"Take care of me..? What do you mean?"

He stood from her settee and approached her slowly, almost looking like a cat on the prowl. When he took her by the waist and pulled her to him, she was more than compliant, already leaning in and up to accept the kiss he was offering. With her being so short compared to him, he had to stoop to kiss her properly, but it was worth it to feel her soft lips against his.

"I wish to help you relax," he murmured against her lips once the kiss finally broke, "and make up for how coldly I treated you over the past few days."

"You don't need to make up for anything, Dettlaff. I understand why you behaved as you did."

"My reasoning is no excuse for my deplorable actions." The determination with which he spoke made her smile.

"So be it. Though, I still need to exact my revenge for all of your teasing on the way here." There was a glint in his eye to match her coy grin.

"And what will you do?"

It was her turn to do to him as he'd done to her earlier just prior to seating her on her horse. She gripped the top most buckles that fastened his coat and yanked him down. He could've easily resisted, but he wanted to see what sort of game she wished to play. Her mouth took his in a searing kiss, one that damn near made his toes curl. Snogging seemed to be something at which she excelled, for even he couldn't fathom how she could caress him with her lips and tongue as she did.

Their mouths did not part, not even when she used the distraction to push him back until he hit a wall. Her lips were demanding, but they also gave in return. That he could find such pleasure in something so simple as a kiss left him staggering, but with his purchase against the wall, he was able to use the leverage in his favor. He grabbed her by the waist and pressed their bodies together as close as physically possible, but she wasn't going to relent control. When she pressed her hips to his, it changed the tone entirely. What was originally a playful bid for dominance became hot, erotic, passionate. Before he knew it, he was moaning into their embrace thanks to one of her hands being in his hair and the other pressing and rubbing against his groin. It was almost too much and forced him to take her by the shoulders and push her back as gently as he could muster. They were both breathless, but moreso he than she.

"S-stop. We mustn't--"

"Mustn't what?" Her voice was low and alluring, her words saying one thing but her tone saying shut up and take me. However, he wasn't sure whether this was something he was ready for. She may be prepared to hop into bed with him right then and there, but with this being the first time he makes love to her, he wanted it to be more than just horny rutting.

"I.." He was having a hard time finding his voice. "I wish to make this special - more meaningful."

For a moment, she seemed confused and a little concerned, but when he expressed his desire, it was like the seductress she'd been mere seconds before vanished and was replaced with his sweet, kind Leonore. She fixed him with a warm smile.

"Dettlaff, any moment I spend with you is special. Honestly, you could take me in a hog wallow and I'd still think it perfect."

"That would be revolting." Why would she want to have sex in a mud hole?

"I don't mean that literally. I simply mean you needn't do or say anything to make this moment feel special. I appreciate the sentiment, I truly do, but I'd really enjoy it if we just let fate take things from here. If we end up in bed, then so be it. If not, then you can always try to make it more special next chance you get. For now, I'd like to forget about formalities and niceties and simply be."

"But--"

"Ah, ah. No buts. Please?"

As apprehensive as she was to the prospect of laying with him the night before, now that he professed his feelings for her, she felt an overwhelming desire to give him everything she had. He too felt this need, but he didn't want for her to think poorly of him for being so hasty. When he and Rhena had courted, they both leaped into bed very quickly. There was an undeniable attraction between them that made him want to let loose and be wild with her. Leonore, however, made him want to be the best man he could be for her, regardless of how badly he wanted to give in to his own desires.

He wasn't entirely sure what to say to try to convince her otherwise, so she took advantage of his silence to kiss him again, but this time slowly and tenderly. She was taking her time with him now, and he appreciated it immensely. This was something he wanted to last forever. 

Her hands busied themselves with undoing the buckles holding his coat together while his had already started with the buttons on his shirt - even if he wanted to take her slowly, he still wanted to feel her skin against his. Together, they managed to get the most complicated of his clothing undone before he began kissing a trail from her mouth down to her neck. His teeth scraped against her skin as he nipped lightly - not hard enough to draw blood, but it did make her gasp and moan into his ear. He paid a lot of attention to her neck and throat with his lips and tongue and teeth. When he sucked softly at her pulse, she seemed like she was going to collapse in his arms.

As soon as her knees buckled, he swept her up and carried her to the bedroom. Her bed was too small to even allow for both of them to lay on it side by side, but one on top of the other would do just fine. He set her on the edge of the bed, and as soon as he settled beside her she climbed astride his lap and smashed her lips to his in another heated kiss. There was no resistance on his part this time. His hands flew to her hips to keep her steady atop him while hers held his shoulders firmly for balance. This kiss was nothing like their previous tender embraces - it was a passionate, fevered kiss that she poured all of her desire into. She made known how badly she wanted him with her lips and tongue.

How long had she been feeling like this, her needs unmet only to build to the point of bursting? As much as he wanted to try to think back to see if there were signs he might have missed, he couldn't very well think when her mouth broke from his and latched onto the sensitive skin of his neck, kissing and nipping like it was sustenance to her hungry tongue.

His gasp when her teeth teased at his flesh was followed by a needy whine; he let his head fall to the side, offering himself to her with the thoughts of resistance banished from his mind. She did for him what he'd been doing to her only moments earlier, but this time a hand in his hair pulled deliciously, turning him into little more than a mess of moans and whimpers - what she didn't know was that she had perhaps the most sensitive part of him at her mercy. The common tongue was lost on him - he couldn't speak if he tried. When she grew tired of punishing the delicate skin of his neck, she tried to push his coat and blouse from his shoulders and he discarded them quickly and unceremoniously.

"See? You're learning quickly," she commented breathlessly as her hands now wandered the expanse of his chest, fingers combing through the short hair before following the trail down his torso to the hem of his pants. 

Her hands stopped and made him want to growl in defiance, but she had abandoned her path to pull at the ties keeping her own blouse closed then pushed the loose fabric from her shoulders to bare herself before him. If she ever wore a brazier, it wasn't there, and this time he did growl, but with lust. It was the first time she'd heard him emit such a beastly sound, but he could smell the arousal on her like a cheap perfume. Despite his growing impatience, he managed to tear his eyes from her breasts to beg permission with his gaze.

"Go ahead. They're all yours."

With her blessing, he finally took to tending to her pleasure with his own mouth, first placing hard kisses to her neck and chest before dragging his tongue across one of her pert nipples. He was but one man, but he was gifted with two hands, both of which moved from her hips to her chest and covered her plump breasts appreciatively. She moaned her approval, a hand returning to his hair as he dove in to enclose one of her rosy buds with his lips. Though he wanted nothing more than to lose himself to his base desires, he reined in control so as not to scare or harm her and hopefully make this moment last. His tongue and teeth were gentle against her sensitive flesh, but he would then suckle hard to draw out long cries that stirred his growing want into almost desperation. 

When he finally pulled his head from her fair bosom, he kissed her full on the lips then helped her finish removing her blouse. With the strength with which his kind was gifted, though she was very light to him regardless of that, he lifted her up off of his lap to lay her on her bed and hover just above her.

"Zeg me dat je me wilt," he panted against her, his lips once again at her neck as he awaited her response, not realizing that he'd reverted back to Nazairi in his lust-addled state.

"Dettlaff, I don't understand you." She too was breathless, but between her words, she gave him almost a squeak of pleasure each time he nipped at her. With a frustrated grunt, he lifted himself up only enough to lock eyes with her.

"Do you want me." He didn't ask, he demanded.

"What kind of a question is that?"

"I will not touch you if you do not answer." His words were a bit slower as he struggled to think straight long enough to translate words in his head.

Leonore rolled her eyes. "Of course I want you."

Without another word, he kissed her again, drawing her delighted moans into his mouth as his hand deftly removed her skirt. He pulled away again to tug it off of her, though he'd have much preferred to rip it off with how impatient he was.

Once the offending article was discarded, Dettlaff stood back to view his work. Her pale skin was rosy across her face, shoulders, and chest. Goosebumps erupted along her arms and legs with them being exposed to the cool air. She had bothered to wear undergarments, but the damp little scrap of cloth did little to hide her arousal from him. Overall, she was a work of art - a true masterpiece - but she was unfinished, and as her artist he would see to it that she be made complete by his hands.

Originally, he hoped to take his time with her to savor every curve and blemish that her body had to offer him, but he was too far gone to care about such niceties now. The way she teased and goaded him with her body and her moans were drudging up that deep desire and need for release that came with having no one for so long. He was getting desperate.

Her underwear was discarded with the rest of her clothing, soon followed by what remained of his. He could feel her eyes appraise his body; the way she chewed her lower lip and unconsciously allowed her thighs to part for him told him all he needed to know. His body covered hers, both of them feeling warm to the touch with their burning desire. Almost instinctively, her legs wrapped about him, welcoming him to bypass formalities and sink himself into her with a smooth, fluid thrust.

Nothing in this world or any others could feel as good to him as this woman beneath him. Her gasp then sigh as he seated himself in her fully only served to make his heart flutter in his chest. For a moment he stilled, waiting for her to tell him that she was okay. The answer he received was the press of her hips into his, and so he finally moved against her. The pleasure he felt was inexplicable. There was a time when he thought he felt this with his past lover, but even she hadn't made him feel so loved as the little beauty beneath him.

He watched her face while he moved inside her, noting each little change in her expression with each shift of pace and angle. When she cried out in her euphoria, he pressed harder, faster, evoking that cry again and again until he was certain she was so close to coming undone. The need he felt for her and her moans turned his desire into molten metal - searing hot and heavy in his loins as he strove to push her over the proverbial peak where lay her release.

Then, her back arched, pressing her chest into him like she could become one with him if she only tried. The tightening of her core around him made him groan, but he only paused briefly to allow her time to ride out her ecstasy before seeking his own pleasure next. His internal struggle to at least refrain from causing her discomfort was soon becoming external as he gripped the covers on either side of her head, his arms trembling and sharp nails puncturing holes into her bedding as he fought to keep from snapping like the monster he felt he truly was. He had to shut his eyes as he tempered each thrust of his hips, trying so desperately to refrain from causing his woman - his - any harm.

Her soft voice, quavering under the intense pressure of her once more building pleasure, brought him out of his head.

"Please, Dettlaff.. T-take me.. Just let go." His name on her lips broke something within him. With renewed vigor and a determination to bring her over the edge of glory once more, he allowed his control to slip further.

The power behind each push of his hips was nothing compared to his true capabilities, but he feared all of the resolve he had to protect her was lost in favor of setting a bruising pace in her. Her nails dug into his shoulders, making his fangs itch to sink into her, to mark her, claim her. Instead, he dug his teeth into his palm, the taste of his own blood deterring him from trying to taste hers.

"Ahh, don't you dare, hahh, hide your moans from me," Leonore groaned, her hand only removing itself from his shoulder to pull his own from his mouth. As soon as she had, a flurry of swears poured from his lips, all of which she couldn't understand a syllable. He buried is face in her shoulder, his breath hot against her skin.

"Ik- Ahhh, ik hou van jou." His words were strained, his whole being quivering as he pushed against his release, pouring his strength and will into making himself last as long as he could.

His grunts and groans devolved into debauched moans and needy whimpers.

"M-mijn liefje, mijn hart--" He cut himself off with a low cry.

Their moans intermingled into a symphony of pleasure, his own release bringing about hers. Unable to keep it at bay any longer, he spilled himself inside her with a few final presses of his hips into hers.

She whimpered against him as he struggled to keep his weight off of her, but her bed wasn't quite large enough to allow for both of them to lay on it together. Despite his body being temporarily sapped of energy - mostly thanks to his restraint - he gathered Leonore's spent form into his arms and lifted her. It took minimal effort, but after their exertion, he wanted to move as little as possible. With his lover pressed firmly against him, he laid back down with her body draped across his. The movement caused his softening member to slip from her, but she made no indication of discomfort.

Both of them breathed heavily, though Dettlaff recovered much quicker than Leonore did. Soon he was gently running his clawed hand through her locks while she was content to lay and comb her fingers through the hair on his chest. Neither said anything for a while until she recovered enough to push herself up and gaze up at him lovingly.

"How do you feel?" he asked, his voice thick with emotion. The way the sunlight shone in from her window onto her tangled hair and flushed face made his heart tighten.

"Amazing." She seemed to be dazed but pleased.

"Did I hurt you..?" His tone did little to mask his trepidation, but she shook her head, the blissful smile still on her face.

"Of course not. I would tell you if you had."

That provided immense relief; he would have been incredibly hard on himself if he ever did anything to cause her pain.

"Good. I never wish to harm you."

He smiled when she leaned upward to kiss him tenderly. Their kiss was short and sweet, but with her naked body draped across his, he could feel the familiar stirring in his groin. It didn't go unnoticed, made apparent when Leonore shot him a coy smirk and ground her hips into his.

"Again? Is that a vampire trait, or do you just get excited easily?"

"Mmh, I have more stamina than mortals do, and I recover from most anything with relative ease."

"So what you're saying is that we can go all night long..?"

He paused before answering, but only because she effectively stunned him with her brazen reply. Well, if she truly wanted to keep going, who was he to stop? With how she was running her hands over his body, he wouldn't even be able to stop either of them if he tried.

"If you think you are feeling well enough for it." It would give him the chance to show her the true extent of his love and desire for her.

"Oh I am." She would prove as much until dawn.