#actually im already really tired but idk
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13/34 chapters but it's 2am ughhhhhhhhhh
#should i try to read the rest#THIS ONE IS SO GOODDDDD#i fr need to save a list of all the good fanfics#so i can go back to them anytime#:D#ill just. read a few more chapters until i fall dead asleep from exhaustion owo#actually im already really tired but idk
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#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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i think about the whole "love that" exchange a lot.
#i think i already have a post about this somewhere im just. rotating it#they realize they just kinda revealed a bit too much in front of Trent Crimm (Formerly) The Independent#and he does the whole biting wind-up to a question you know is going to be sharp as hell. bringing in that heat#and rebecca just. doesn't even try to get out of it#is she taking a leap of faith? is she just tired of spinning a whole yarn? testing him? giving him a chance?#and his response is just. simple. a real smile--almost conspiratorial and they're both in on the joke--and 'love that.'#sincere and almost warm. love that. bc that's what he actually thinks. not asking what he thinks he should#what he thinks the crowd wants to hear. but just. god her ex husband is a dickhead. absolutely you should try to fuck him over. love that#and rebecca all but beaming at him in response#i wish we'd gotten more of their dynamic tbh. i think that interaction probably helped soothe any anxieties she had about the whole thing#i think the next time we really see them interact is just the girl talk thing#where she's gleefully including him on the gossip and he's SO fucking pleased to get a good grade in girl talk something both normal to w#but like them developing an almost easy banter Fast. please. and like. him letting himself be. himself. in front of other people#not just ted. and rebecca GETS that if anyone gets getting flayed by the lasso effect it's her#so like. IDK MAN I JUST THINK THEY SHOULD BOND#also keeley. DEFINITELY keeley. all three of them. FUCK#trent crimm#rebecca welton#gertspeak#god. him being so pleased about the girl talk comment too. lives in my brain rent free#rebecca or keeley pays him a genuine but offhand compliment and he (and clearly completely unconsciously) just#fully does a pleased little wiggle in his seat. and they're like hmmmm
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Took the words heartburn & mindfreeze literal and now I have these
Might draw the lines better later but am tired atm and wanna [attempt to] finish the art I have for the recent songs
But also might make more unstable(?) forms for the two. [Also maybe attempt to design soul lol]
#but unstable forms would be like#hearts more magma-y? like maybe a more human silhouette looking thing that's all lava with lil rocks on em idk#also might make designs less human like in general#mayhap these are how they look before they get a less human look#cos they look too human atm for what i was goin for#idk if this makes sense#mind might be a tall more spikey creature thats all ice?#had an idea for mind like that already but COULD use it here#add in like a snow storm effect#idk we'll see#i really like the first two tbh#the 3rd is meh and the 4th is p nice i think#actually confident in my art for once wow#i mean confident is a lil strong maybe content fits more#also thanks to avi who wanted me to do these they were rlly fun to make actually#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj mind#cj heart#alright KJ is going back to bed now cos SOMEONE uploads early and made me CRY so now im EXTRA tired#wonder who that was smh/j#-atlas art-
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remembering when the covers for the issue where amy and surge first interacted were coming out and people were saying they wanted surge to fall in love with amy at first sight and immediately decide to change so she can be with her . as in actually wanting that to happen in the comic not just as a fanfic thing . and sorry not to be a hater but i can't be the only one who thinks that surge suddenly becoming good because romance kind of would of sucked right .... like idk that just doesnt sound like a very good direction to take the story . sorry .
#i just have mixed feelings on the idea of a surge redemption arc in general#becuase surge and kit are some of the only current sonic villains i actually find interesting#so idk if i really . Want . for them to become Not Villains because then the villain lineup goes back to being mostly uninteresting#but i feel like romance being the reason would be . um .#im a big advocate for minimal romance in sonic . no stories that overly focus on romance#no canon couples outside of a few very specific exceptions that dont involve game characters . etc . so probably would not have liked that#and ill be honest and say i dont like surg/eamy but i dont ONLY dislike this idea because its amy specifically#i probably would havr disliked that storyline regardless of who the other character was . it being amy just doesnt help#and its not because i hate amy or anything i like her i just dislike like. 99 percent of ships involving her#because i get kinda tired of seeing her paired with every character under the sun#and treated as nothing but shipping fodder by a lot of people#(not saying everyone who likes an amy ship is doing that just that its a thing that happens)#especially considering how young she is and there not being many characters close in age to her. so theres an added layer of discomfort#and i also dont like the idea of amy getting over sonic by getting with someone who looks like him or is a copy of him or something#which isnt a thing that exclusively applies to surge but shes definitely an example of that#but like i already said . amy being the other character is not the full reason#i feel like im over explaining myself here but i also feel like if i dont somebodys gonna completely misinterpret what im saying#as me just hating amy or being homophobic or something and then yell at me in my askbox . starts shaking like a frightened animal
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erm chat what is the appropriate reaction when you find out everyone you work with talked shit about you to your manager....
beware the essay in tags
#lol my depression is swinging around the corner#i just want to stop existing#like i dont want to care if they like me... but like genuienly idk how i could be a better supervisor than i am already#sometimes i feel like im actually going crazy on shift now cause people barely listen to me.....#but i alwas give them options#i never force them to do stuff#i literally always let them visit their fucking boyfriend and go to the bathroom#but then they turn around and ignore me#make fun of me#and like i take it in stride.. but im fucking tired#like how the fuck are you guys happy with any shift lead ever?#and like the shift they like? addicted to cigs bc his job is impossible.#the baristas like him#the dm wants him fired#he will literally take work out of peoples hands#maybe they dont like me cause i want them to actually do their job?#but it really hurts to see them call out of my shift#or make fun of me to another person directly in front of me#like im actually so fucking exhausted from them#OMFG i need a therapist#RGHHH
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need 2 isolate myself and unfriend everyone #asap
#this guy who is still my friend i guess annoys me and ive been avoiding him and he confronted me and cried yesterday and i felt bad but more#ab the situation than our friendship because he puts himself into places without friends by being judgy and rude and wondering why ppl dont#wanna stick around him idk. i guess we're still cool but he clings onto me and its really annoying bc i want him to stop but i dont want to#be rude and hes just getting on my nerves and ik its bad to be like annoyed w ur friends but i literally just .our energies dont match and#its so exhausting to be near him so i need to do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to cling on more or#not but i already did that tbh yesterday like. i told him i genuinely dont have the energy to match his and he asked 'when can we go back to#being normal' ?? i just said i felt better and comfortable being more alone and off than w him cant he stop. do i need to break his heart#hes really intelligent and hes able to tell these signs so idk why hes so hellbent on being stuck on me when ive literally said he tires me#cant he leave me alone. i already feel bad enough for feeling this way but last yr i didnt get to have any other friends irl bc he would#just cling on and drag or follow me and i barely had time to spend with anyone else and im stuck in a club i dont care for now bc he kept#pushing. like two or three of then actually idk why he cant just understand i dont want this nor any codependency w him anymore when ivebeen#like telling him already#sorry i have tutoring soon but im exhausted and feel horrible but whatever ill be fine etc i just need him to stop#on a brighter note. idk. im going to disney soon#post#vent#to delete#my lover please come home . only person i can admit my feelings directly to !. not on a vague tumblr post lmfao#/nbh btw obv bc why would i post it if it was#i need to play genshin kaedehara kazuha save me please give me a big fat kiss now
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thinking hard about that post about what symptoms aren't actually normal for periods and I almost certainly have pmdd. However. I am already ON antidepressants and birth control, which are like.. the only treatments im able to find aside from like cbt. So i guess i just have to deal with it lmfao
#like yeah i get HARD hard suicidal and depressed right before my period which should be easier to deal with since i always know when it is#due to the birth control#but it always blindsides me#and i can tell that my husband is starting to get really tired of it#on the other hand. therapy is so fucking expensive so i think im just fucked#its actually almost feels like its worse now that i am on antidepressants but im pretty sure thats because before i started these meds#that empty pit of despair was my baseline for normal so i didn't notice a change lmao#idk maybe a higher dose of bc might help but thats dangerous for me because my endo is already stage 4. sigh
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dropping everything to look up zodiac compatibilities. for fictional characters. for fanfiction purposes.
#goood lord. i really am tired. i remembered caters aquarius but i had to look up trey#I KNOW TREYS SCORPIO. HE AND THE TWEELS SHARE W/ME I KNOW THAT ONE OUGHHHH ok anyway#since cater's best class is listed as astrology and he says it's fun to look at horoscopes or w/e i feel like i NEED to incorporate that#into the treycay im writing#i. dont know what im gonna do w/it but jfklsdjlfje#but omg:#'Scorpios tend to be more focused on emotional connections and intimacy' +#'Aquarius values their personal space and independence' hello thats so Them...#[scrolling down] 'scorpios can become possessive and jealous' that is NOT so them 😑#however i can still use that lol#i want to have a scene of cater and trey lookin at their horoscopes or something#actually doesnt trey or maybe cater specifically have a line somewhere#about cater sometimes doing the fortune telling for trey for fun or practice?? am i making that up????#i swear 2 god i thought trey had a line about it somewhere#but i have NO idea what context he'd be bringing it up 🤔#or maybe cater said it idk#i know cater does bring up horoscopes in his own broomquet story w/floyd#HMMMM well i got distracted from this cosplay anyway bye#god why is it already 4:30pm i hate everything im so tired LOL
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I alluded to this in tags awhile ago but like. IK continuity doesn’t work this way and when things shifted from kooky and silly 40s stuff with psas scattered to like dark brooding whatever we’re supposed to take it as like either time passing with some hand waving to personalities or ‘it was always like this for them trust’ but thinking about dick specifically going from holy galloping grasshoppers Batman to dealing with Bruce in spyral and shit is so so so sad I can’t articulate it well rn but like everyone kinda agrees the shift happened after two face and jason but like no dick saw it all he saw it while it happened he saw Bruce taking tim to baseball games and then gaslighting him at 16 he saw the man who’d take care of a random baby on the fly threaten to send his youngest son back to the league he saw the man who helped usher in a new era of young heroes treat Steph like shit he saw the man who inspired hope for a future in civilians heroes and enemies alike take advantage of cass’ suicidal thoughts and separation from her own humanity he saw everything and he just has to. Deal. To everyone else this is just Bruce and ppl like Tim and cass justify it to an extent bc they love him and get exasperated and when Dick is angry but how couldn’t Dick be angry? That’s his dad and he’s being so fucking mean and idk I’m rambling
#i promise this is better thought out on the daily Im so so tired rn autocorrect is saving me#and It’s like the lighthearted era of the 40s smacking someone across the face into shit like throwing him into Jason’s memorial#like It’s not even whiplash bc it’s always happened it’s just. aaruhdsjak#and this is why I hate the entire thing where Bruce does nothing and it’s ALL terrible writing like#they had Superman doing corporal punishment bro idk#and not saying that’s good or necessary today I’m just saying unfortunately for Bruce Stans literally everyone is shaped by his behavior#It’s why they’re so fucked to eachother too#like the reason perfect dad bruce who’s only issue is miscommunication is annoying bc u#sets up every following issue tk ve of the same vein#he and Jason DONT have genuine morality clashes that usually end up violent and beLetha#near lethal bc they’re both secure in their own righteousness#It’s ‘they need to talk and Jason needs to call alfie and gl#go to Sunday brunch and Bruce needs to be okay with killing the really really bad ppl :(‘#like no bro sorry they’re not as wishy washy as u 🙄#that’s a joke#Im not saying bruxe should hit his kids I’m just saying when he does it’s not automatically the writer doesn’t know him#they might know him all too well actually#also it’s just the way it’s framed for me sorry I think Conflict is interesting#so bruce growing up (at 60 lmao) and dick just having to deal with it is sooo#like idk IK dc is trying to happy family Damian and Bruce rn but to me Bruce DID get somewhat better but Damian can’t ades#address tough shit without feeling luke he’s dragging it and rlly he should be grateful they’re turning a blind eye tk his mistakes so he#goes along with it#pretend the soulless ‘i hate you bc I’m insecure and secretly think ur my favorite Drake!’ is actually#‘i know the role I need to play in order to keep things smooth and if u#i talk to any of you genuinely I’ll explode and also you’ll hate me and also I think I’ll hate you I think I already do so’#that’s my coping#and thats for me personally like this entire post Is how I personally like to see it#i like happy go lucky batfam in microdoses except WFA y will not be forgiven for what u did to Duke#also for the og post I have a whole thing about how Bruce’s attempt to separate the man and the mask causes him to do crazy shit to his kids#but diff time THATS just how I get my middle between incorrect quotes bruce and dudebro bruce tbh
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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In the changes blog, where the staff post changes to the site, they mentioned that they were bringing icons back. Everyone seems super excited about it, and I was wondering if you know why.
Okay, gotcha, thanks for clarifying! I think it was mainly an issue on desktop, so maybe you wouldn't know about it if you're just on mobile, but staff removed most of the user icons for a bit (idk if that was for everyone or just a few people), so you couldn't easily see who was on your dash, and everybody was pissed off about basically not being able to really see their friends on their dash. Another way staff was fucking up the site, you know? But apparently they actually listened to everyone's feedback on it and put the icons back. So basically everyones excited bc it's just a small win that makes the site slightly less shitty
#asks#im not sure what you already know about the situation so idk if this needs any more explanation but if it does let me know!#also im not following the changes blog so this is how i found out theyre putting icons back. so thank you for that!!#im hardly on desktop but i did log in a couple times and see the change and i hated it so im glad they reversed it#oh actually i probably have a bunch of posts about the icon situation on my blog if you want to go searching though it#(im sorry im really tired and im not sure how much sense im making lol)
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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the thing about me is like. i know im ace. but theres a part of me that thinks maybe if it keep trying or try new things with it ill like it because i feel like i should like it.
its like. its like a food where you like everything that goes into it but not the thing itself.
i should like this. maybe if i try it again or change it up i will like it. i ahould like it theres so much about it that i do like - but i dont like it.
hell its like tea. theres 100s of varieties surely i can find one i like? no?
#i am so fucking tired#im going to sleep#i just needed to ramble#idk if this makes sense#but its annoying#i want to like it but i dont#1) too much like work/sports#2) as soon as my body has done its thing it loses intrest#and its gross annoying and tiresome#and boring#3) it really is like a sport and im just not entertained though i tried#4) while the idea of it is cool people looking at me that way#gives me the heebies#eh relationships actually are cloying too which is ehy im aro too#5) i have yet to meet see or be entertained by a person#in way that made my body sit up and take notice#i do not look at someone and go yes must fuck#unless i am already ready to go#and even then they're just a warm body#6) i look back at my experiences and think#dont fucking touch me#so yeah#i might think of more later but im ace#but the idea and sub cultures of sex are cool
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me when ihave a dream about my 3rh closest friends all beyeaying me 🤯🤯🤯
#vent#duh#it was sostupid too im jjst. an idiot and emotional and i hate being left out and everyoneknows that wnd that dream has genunlu runed my day#woke up sobbing oops!and in that drupid thing everyome was like get over it itsnkt a big deal like ok sorry. sorry sorrywjqyever#amd none of themare here rigjt now and i miss them all so much and its not fair because ik they wuld never just abandon me for eahc otherbut#everytime i introduce my feiends to each other its like oh duh juli they like each other more! what did u expect! and im the stupidone for#feeling upset at being left out asthey go on witjout me and its like ok talk witjoug me whatever idc but. reallh. really#i was gonan wake up early and do all this stuff but i dont wang to get up anymote im so tired already i feel horrible#idec ab the otjer ppl calling me atupid and emotional or whatever buf ughj b#on the other hand in that dream i did a one pull and got childe twice excepf there were 2 versions of him for some reason???#like u could be childe OR tartaglia ?! idek what fhe difference was one jusg looked younger#erm. anwyay ☺️#post#maes tag#to delete#actually idk if fheyre aroun d rn im kind of too scared to do anything relagimg to them bc what if my nightmare was True!#(def wasnt)
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also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!
#purrs#i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever#and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were#formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are#going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g.#my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou#would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc..#so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w#where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked#out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and#never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f#for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if#i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying#ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it#happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah.#wishlist#delete later#ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca#can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng…. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l#like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!!#maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien#experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah.#like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating#space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re#realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.)#like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨
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