#abusive grandmother

[blogofsara]

TW: Mention Of Abuse

Every time I see these two harpies, my (now late) maternal grandmother comes to mind. She was extremely cruel and abusive towards my mother, blaming her for the fact that my grandfather left her when she announced that she was pregnant (my grandfather had another family). Like Denise, my grandmother saw my mother as a failure and wanted to abandon her as well as curse her within hours after the birth (it's a miracle that she never tried to k1ll her). Like Miriam, she would yell at her and forbid her everything, calling her an inferior being and loving my uncles and aunts more than her. Call me callous, but when I learned that my maternal grandmother had passed away, I didn't shed a single tear.

[thedepressedweasel]

Why does my evil grandmother get upset and call me “bad” in addition to misgendering me on purpose whenever I try to set boundaries on her?!

[peachhoneii]

What hits me some days is Stan and Ford have never processed the fact their father was emotionally (if physically) abusive. No way you can tell me that Filbrick Pines wasn't at least emotionally neglectful.

Stan outright says his dad never threw catch with him. He created the footbot to experience the act of throwing catch. Ford refused to build it for him. A lot of his emotional issues stem from his damaged relationship with his dad. It's absolutely tragic, but what's worse is that as horrible as Filbrick was to him, Stan doesn't really look back on his dad negatively.

He sees his dad as a tough bricklayer who tried to toughen him up in the world. It doesn't come to him that his dad wronged him as a parent, y'know. The man kicked him out of their own home and disowned him for an accident, and there's still a measure of respect in Stan's voice when he talks about his dad. You can hear it.

We usually say Ford was the golden child, and while that may be true, probably is, that doesn't mean anything positive for Ford either. I highly doubt Filbrick was an attentive parent to Ford. He didn't care about Ford's academic success.

Until this. "I'm impressed." Ford's absolute delight implies this isn't a regular occurrence, despite the numerous awards he's won over the years. It takes a school principal telling him that Ford may earn potential millions for Filbrick to demonstrate any pride in his son.

I wouldn't be surprised if Stan got more attention from Filbrick because he was always in trouble and probably increased his troublemaking so his father could give him attention. Ford just stayed on the side as the smarter, quieter kid.

From The Book of Bill, we can infer that Stanford didn't return home frequently, if at all. Bill lies. We know he lies. He also spits truths, especially when he aims to hurt you. He picks at your insecurities. Your dad won't want you coming home if you don't have millions. The fact Bill weaponized this tells me that not giving his family money, not being the millionaire his father wanted him to be definitely sits on Ford.

Stan wanted money to be welcome back into the family.

Ford knew money was the cost for his dad to value him, but he prioritized his passion for research over that. Even so, the decision haunts him.

Crazy thing is Filbrick has probably been dead for 20+ years, and his abuse of his children lingers in them as 60 something year old men. They still don't realize it. They can't even contextualize that their father was abusive, and that hurts me. That's so sad.

[bookshelfdreams]

do it. gimme the Izzy straight-coded meta 👀

I feel like I need to preface this by saying that Actually, Izzy Is Straightcoded would be the inflammatory clickbait title I'd give this if it were written to draw traffic & ad revenue to my shitty website. So don't take that term too seriously.

There has been a lot of ink spilled about Izzy thinking he's in a story where one can only be subtextually queer. Some even by yours truly, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. What would be the purpose of queercoding Izzy?

In general, villains* aren't queercoded to show that men being attracted to other men is bad. It's often the outcome; but it's not why the trope exists. It exists because cishet people tend to be (and are encouraged to be) profoundly uncomfortable with gender nonconformity, and so, making a character gnc becomes a quick and easy way to make him appear twisted and untrustworthy. If he** can't even obey the fundamental rules of his own gender (rules that are inherent and unchangeable!) what other rules does he disobey?

Or: If a man is insufficiently masculine, he can't be trusted to have morals. The villain isn't gnc because that's an evil trait to have; rather, the gender nonconformity is a symptom of his evilness. Being evil is what enables him to embrace his feminine side, and embracing his feminine side is what others him and marks him as a villain.

This only really works when he's contrasted with a hero (or heroine) who is Doing Gender Correctly. The villain is foul to highlight how good the hero is. The Hero will be honest and straightforward, brave, physically powerful; the Queercoded Villain treacherous, cowardly, and physically weak. The hero is a Proper Man, a Good Person. The villain an Improper Man, and therefore, a Bad Person.

Of course ofmd fundamentally rejects this. The shorthand wouldn't work, because ofmd simply doesn't think effeminacy is creepy. It's uninterested in moralizing self-expression; it just lets people be how they are. There's a wide range of expressions of masculinity on this show, and none of it is inherently bad. People are allowed to be hypermasculine, flamboyant, and anything inbetween, can express their gender in whatever manner they want, and it's all fine - as long as they are authentic about it. Be however you are, but be yourself, and this is what Izzy fails at. The repression marks him as a villain. The strict adherence to what he thinks a Real Man Pirate ought to be like. He's very preoccupied with enforcing a traditional (and toxic) masculinity on himself and others. It's no coincidence the characters he antagonizes the most - Stede and Lucius - are also the most effeminate ones. And I know, I know anglophones have a much more casual relationship to twat and cunt, those don't nearly feel as uncomfortable for y'all as they do for me, so I don't want to assign too much significance here, but he is the only character who constantly uses this kind of language, and also the one who uses the most gender&sexuality based slurs (as far as I remember).

All of this while being clearly, obviously queer himself! I do not feel like I need to explain this; his flustered reaction when Lucius asks him if he's ever been sketched speaks for itself. The fact that he meets Stede and immediately slices his shirt off of him, speaks for itself. And so on.

Izzy isn't straightcoded in the sense that the story wants us to believe he's exclusively attracted to women. Much like a queercoded villain doesn't need to be shown to be attracted to men (and can even be shown to be attracted exclusively to women!) to still be queercoded. He's straightcoded in the sense that he's a stand-in for restrictive and toxic gender roles that society enforces on people. He buys into the idea that there's a way of Doing Gender Wrong, and this is presented as a tragic character flaw. Something he has to overcome to be able to do the thing that actually marks a hero in this show: express himself authentically.

Part of why I found his death so moving is because it enables him to set right the toxicity he spread. His rehabilitation arc was about himself; about finally allowing himself to be, accepting love, accepting community. His death was about taking responsibility. About fully recognizing the hurt he caused. Looking death in the face enables him to finally abandon the last shreds of that toxicity, to apologize and be granted forgiveness. In the end, he was not beyond saving, and the harm he has done will be healed.

*Izzy is introduced as an antagonist to both Stede and the central romance of this romcom. I'm not gonna debate this; if you disagree, fine, but you clearly have such a fundamentally wrong different view of the show that it's pointless for us to try and convince each other.

**of course Queercoded Female Villains exist s well, but they are a whole different can of worms and less relevant to this discussion

[she-is-ovarit]

Elders, seniors, old people, the aged... they are usually the first to advocate for children and emphasize that children are important and to take care of them because they are the future. And we can do better to advocate for old people and respect that they are important too, and to take care of them because they have lived through human history we have never experienced. Children are the future and elders are our history.

[wildbasil]

not contacting my mother on her birthday has, i think, finally hammered home to her that i was serious about going no contact. after all, sulking and ignoring is one of her favourite tactics, so i suppose it's normal she'd assume that's what i was doing.

but now that she's realised i'm serious, she's started getting relatives to contact me to say she's seriously ill. it's very predictable.

[nerianasims]

Staying out of it staying out of it staying out of it persuading them is impossible anyway I've never managed to staying out of it staying out of it

Okay fuck you I LOVE MY HUSBAND STOP SLANDERING HIM YOU FUCKWIT RADFEMS

Cis, straight, white, male, Floridian husband who voted for Harris and has been persuading people to support women's rights his whole life. Who takes care of my disabled ass all the time, and has been particularly taking care of me for the past more than a month while I've been in a crash. Also when I'm well enough for sex, sex with him is not only amazing physically but also a spiritual experience so shut the fuck up about that too.

I'm sorry I'm trying to stay out of things especially when I know I can't really get through to people I just. Urgh.

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I was in my grandmother’s attic with some strange old man. She locked me in there as a punishment because I failed a test and she knows I hate the dark.

[imaginarianisms]

[compressednerve]

When you enter adulthood and you begin unrepressing the memories that you've been receiving hints about your entire life; things that only barely scratched the surface of your awareness

[thedepressedweasel]

Earlier last morning, my evil grandmother had the gall to take out the recyclables through the back door in my "room" when she could've at least waited until my egg donor got up to make coffee for herself to take it out through the front door instead. Then when she opened the storm door while refusing to put it down on the mat and saw the black mold inside the slot of said door, whereafter she said to my face that she needed another slave, that the storm door was still dirty and that I should always clean it, but first of all, that storm door is actually made out of double glass, just like the rest of her house windows combined, yet when I told her about it, she refused to hear it. Then she said that I should be her new slave and stop being "lazy" start cleaning up all of the mess inside the storm door's slot and when I told her that I wasn't going to clean it up after her, that I was just burnt out from everything (including school), that it's not my house to clean and that she needed to clean it up herself, that was when she suddenly threw a loud temper tantrum and started screaming and cussing in my face, during which she not only called me names, but literally screamed in my face that I was nobody, that I was lower than dirt and that she hoped I would marry an abusive man who would beat me up for not cleaning after him.

Now, I don't care if this post might get me called "spoiled" because I'm actually a good offspring, since I help my egg donor around the house when she needs it most. But no, my evil grandmother just wanted another slave to cook for her and clean up after her at all times.

And don't get me started on talking to my sperm donor about taking a bus to school and back! I can never have a single adult conversation with him because I know that even if I say "please" in a polite way, he'll still throw loud ass temper tantrums as well, so the only thing I can do about it is have my uncle try to help me out in addition to taking a bus to school and back behind my sperm donor's back.

I can't wait to move out or at least graduate from my crummy community college and transfer to my dream school in my favorite city and never see them again!

[junglejim4322]

you always have negative things to say about the women in your life but positive about the men

Taylor swift come off anon we can discuss the statements I’ve made about you

[rhysnolastname]

My grandparents refused to come down here to South Florida and stayed in Tampa, they say they’re out of storm surge reach but like. There’s no certainty in anything when it comes to a massive hurricane. They just had Helene. I just wished they’d come down here and be safe.

[constellarcreator]

Bojack Horseman gave me the "give abusive characters legit realistic reasons why they're Like That" disease and it is TERMINAL

[crucifixcavity]

The devil caught your eye, pray till I go blind

[pergaminaa]

Manon would have doubts about being a good mother to her little witchling. It’s a feeling that never goes away and she terrified of acting like her grandmother because it’s literally the only thing she knows.

She’s aware that what her grandmother did was no way to be around a child. This, and the fact that Manon is a good person with a lot of repressed love, was why she is nothing like her grandmother. But she doesn’t see it that way. She is haunted by her past and her own nightmarish childhood. She hangs on every mistake, wonders if she could have said something better— wonders if her witchling is better off being around Dorian more than her (because she believes that she will do some irrecoverable damage to her, and the thought literally keeps her up at night)

Dorian is there to always assure her that she’s nothing like her grandmother. He hates that after so long without her, she still has her clutches around Manon, ensuring that her voice is the only thing leading Manon.

He knows that she isn’t like her at all. And he will never tire of reminding her of it every single day.

This has become easier with their witchling getting older. Now, he can easily just point at the toddler, who would be in various positions on their bed at night ‘because I get bad dreams in my bed and only get good dreams in your bed’ as she would argue.

He notices how the witchling is casual about it. She comes into their room, climbs up their bed, plops down next to her mom while holding on to something so that she doesn’t get carried to her room (toddler logic). To Dorian, this display alone is enough.

He tells Manon that if she was anything like she thinks she is, their witchling wouldn’t be feeling this safe around her. She is always around her mother, following her around and preferring to stay with her as opposed to playing with the other children. If their witchling is feeling unsafe, she wouldn’t be doing any of that.

“Look at her,” He points at the sleeping child in their bed once again. Her head is resting on Manon’s stomach, while she almost hogged her mother all to herself.

“You’re doing great with her, witchling,” He winks. Adding a little playfulness while being serious.

The Blackbeak Matron killed her own daughter and almost killed her granddaughter. Manon is nothing like her, and he will never tire of reminding her of that.

Because even the formidable Queen of the Witches needs a gentle reminder from time to time.