#absolutely not based in reality just in hilarity

[imperfectcourt]

Thinking about Neil, bored and nosy, looking Aaron up before they go to visit him so that he has fuel for being a little shit (since he doesn't have any saved up, they've been apart for too long and he doesn't take any part in the twin's weekly calls)

And what he finds..... hey Andrew did you know doctor's can get reviews on different websites?

His 😈 is very short-lived and quickly becomes 😐 becomes 😶 becomes 😵 when he realizes that Aaron doesn't have a single bad review. Bedside manner? Treatment?? There's even a review from someone who's health got WORSE who left a positive review and what the fuck kind of backwards world is he seeing into? What is happening? HOW is it happening? He spent 4 years in relatively close contact with this guy there's no way he would have missed something like this

((He calls Matt about it, who spent his last year at PSU with Aaron as a roommate surely he'll be able to back Neil up on this rigged system and..... wait what the fuck are you talking about he was actually pretty chill?? I thought you were on my side? Matthew Donovan you did not just say that Aaron Minyard was a cool dude how dare))

[llycaons]

Section Five: Part XV

Shenanigans: COMEDY. boy do I love a laugh

*CEO Billionaire Lan Zhan* by detention_notes

summary: you all knew this was going to be on here. the greatest transformative work in existence. parody of lonely, stoic ceo lwj, impoverished hyperactive wwx, coffee shop meet-cutes, and the various absurdities of tropey wx fic. both canons are joked about work issues: none author issues: none! this author is great

*Marital Prospects* by Vamillepudding

summary: in an canonverse AU where the war never happened and everyone lived, now-sect leader jzx is increasingly annoyed by wwx’s refusal to leave koi tower after jl’s birth. in order to get him out of their hair, he attempts to match him up with nmj. it may be a cliche, but hilarity indeed ensues lwj is perfectly repressed and insane, jzx is smug and stupid, nhs is trying to stay out of it, nmj is slightly maniacal, and lxc has concerning standards for acceptable behavior from children. absolutely hysterical, especially the finale. wwx is oblivious-to-engaged in seconds flat, but the rest of it is so funny I don’t even mind work issues: none author issues: xiyao

*Fatherhood’s Calling by Fortune_Maiden

summary: burial-mounds-era jzx, realizing that jyl sees wwx as a sort of son, attempts to step up as a father and irritates literally everyone around him in the process. one of the funniest things I have ever read, flat out. either canon but feeling more novel-verse work issues: none author issues: has written lxc/nhs

*The Hangover: A pre-wedding Dramedy* by natcat5

summary: an absolute blast. many povs, many crimes, and many characters converge in the night before the xuanli wedding, ft. betrayal, car chases, petty vengeance, kidnapping, fistfights, manipulative crying, lost phones, getting blackout drunk, awkward getting-along prison time, and gay awakenings there are four works in this series, and I think they’re all great except the last one - it’s a bit generic, not a comedy, and not super in-character, but that’s okay since it’s fairly discrete anyway. highly recommend the first one - nhs is a treat. this is loosely based on the hangover, which I’ve never seen, the author has apparently never seen, and which you need no knowledge of. either canon, except for xy - see below work issues: none, but the way xy is treated requires a note. he’s closest to his novel self, but he’s also relatively harmless? like, he’s this weird destructive teenager apparently much younger than xxc and sl, who are like, babysitting him as his parole officers or something. certainly not the quasi-romantic manipulation that’s featured in cql author issues: none

*The Fault in Our Stars by Vamillepudding

summary: god, this one is so funny. modern AU wwx and lwj, both fabulously wealthy and famous, meet by chance without realizing who the other is. for various rather silly reasons, they both assume the other is barely scraping by and then independently commit to appearing poorer than they are to avoid embarrassing the other with their fabulous and unreasonable wealth. really funny. these guys are completely out of touch with reality work issues: none author issues: xiyao, or else their other one would be in this section too

*Making an Effort by bosgood

summary: wwx and jc are struggling to endure jzx’s terrible beercycle bachelor party until wwx sees someone he’d rather hang out with instead. short, really funny, and sweet, especially the author’s note work issues: none author issues: jl/lsz

*give it to me straight by JSM氏 (Senforza)

summary: modern au, a cracky teen comedy where jc melodramatically and self-righteously suffers in the dawning knowledge that he’s the token straight of the friend group. I laughed out loud the entire time reading this work issues: 3zun is mentioned but never actually shows up, nhs identifies as pan, and there’s a scene where jc talks about like, waking up and witnessing wwx and lwj having sex?? maybe?? honestly I just didn’t take any of it seriously, this is mostly teenage jc being a hot mess author issues: background 3zun in their other fic

stray cat strut by ScarlettStorm

summary: not technically a comedy, but quite lighthearted and silly nonetheless. while out nighthunting, canonverse lwj finds an exceptionally intelligent black spiritual cat in the forest who helps him defeat a yao, and adopts him. turns out that cat is a cursed wwx, and attempts to break the curse commence. it’s kind of hornier than interested in the tender romantic feelings, but the get-together was really nice and fun and I liked it all quite immensely. short and satisfying. lwj’s small but significant connections to his mom were very sweet. and they hang out with a some brothel workers in a really lovely chapter quite jiang-friendly, to the point where some of the author notes had me screaming bc no, myu would actually hate wwx whether jfm was dead or not?? anyway, a good time. and just to clarify no, it’s not bestiality. either canon but more towards cql bc of the jiang treatment imo work issues: none author issues: feminized wwx and nhs, pansexuality...just general annoying choices in their other fics

Happily single by moonwaif

summary: little apple pov! postcanon, wwx contemplates getting a husband for her so she won’t be lonely, but little does he know she’s got the best friend she could hope for. the characterization for her is appropriately sassy, and the ending is surprisingly sweet. novel canon work issues: none really, but the everyday thing is mentioned, so ugh author issues: xiyao and 3zun

you’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore by lesbianspirals

summary: it’s wwx starring in the school of rock, baby! this hilarious work is surprisingly faithful to canon themes and characterizations, though I think it gets a little corny by the end and the romance is not its strong suit. it’s still a super fun time. work issues: none author issues: none

*Hangin’ With The Raisin Girls by Dhillarearen

summary: postcanon oneshot on the epic romance of sect leader yao/sect leader ouyang. there are footnotes. I cackled work issues: none author issues: jl/lsz

The Ghost of Gusu Lan by twinky_dyke

summary: jgy is dead and he’s haunting cloud recesses. follow him as he makes a nuisance of himself, judges everyone he comes across, and ineffectually tries to ruins wangxian’s romantic moments. says cql canon but it reads more like novel to me work issues: none author issues: genderbends

*The Word of Your Body by Elcief

summary: HOUSE MD CROSSOVER BABY! I searched for this as a joke and then found it and immediately loved it. post-jinlintai stab wound, wwx and lwj stumble through a portal into new jersey, where wwx is immediately taken to the ER and lwj wanders around a comics convention looking for him not the most serious of fics but the characterization isn’t bad! charming and interesting and funny. no wilson or cameron, but house himself is enough of a delight to carry the world. won’t be as fun if you don’t know the show house, but worth reading for a little dimension-crossing goofs work issues: PM kiss mentioned :( author issues: none. mostly goofy crossovers and comedies

Best man for the job; a detailed treatise on Chief Cultivation by Aerlalaith

summary: postcanon lwj is dragged into reluctant respect for jgy’s sense of organization and competence as he takes on the mantle of chief cultivator. quite funny and in-character. either canon work issues: none author issues: dubcon

Forget Me Not by Vamillepudding

summary: postcanon wwx and lwj lose their memories at different parts of their lives and are told by other characters they’ve gotten married when in fact they haven’t actual gotten together yet at all. but it’s completely okay. some other characters have to babysit them and it’s kind of charming to see how they interact. it’s sweet, they make out a lot. cql canon work issues: none author issues: xiyao

thunder only happens when it’s raining by ScarlettStorm

summary: you know how rainstorms always accompany drama and tragedy in the show? what if the characters noticed that and panicked when it started to rain because they thought something terrible was happening? a goofy little meta fic. cql canon by design work issues: none author issues: they’ve done some really weird things with feminizing wwx

Twin Heroes of Tigers by FrostyAngst

summary: I found this silly little fic incredibly funny. does it make sense? no. what canon does it follow? no idea. is it in-character? kinda! check it out and have yourselves a chuckle work issues: none author issues: wwx/nmj

Back to Start

[themovieblogonline]

Barbie Review: An Exhilarating Pink Symphony

Let's take a moment to celebrate Greta Gerwig. From the moment I first watched Lady Bird during its theatrical release, I knew she possessed a crucial and unique voice that would leave a lasting impact in the years to come – and I was absolutely right. Little Women, her next film, based on the novel by Louisa May Alcott, has become one of my all-time favorite comfort movies. There's a certain magic in it that can cure any amount of sadness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBk4NYhWNMM This is precisely why I couldn't contain my excitement when I heard she would be taking on the project of Barbie. With Gerwig's involvement, you can always be confident that her work won't be just another generic, uninspired movie. Her films may not be everyone's cup of tea, but there's no denying the undeniable uniqueness of her voice. With Barbie, she's demonstrating her power and style like never before. The Good: Greta Gerwig's Barbie is an outrageously funny and visually stunning journey that brings the iconic doll to life in ways we could never have imagined. Bursting with vibrant colors and humor, this film is an absolute joy to watch. Set in the enchanting world of Barbie Land, the story follows Barbie and Ken as they venture into the real world, leading to a hilarious and heartwarming exploration of the human experience. The film's humor is its undeniable highlight. From start to finish, there isn't a single scene without something to laugh at. Gerwig's clever writing and the actors' impeccable comedic timing make Barbie the funniest movie in recent memory. The audience is treated to moments of pure hilarity, and the infectious laughter that echoes through the theater is a testament to its brilliance. But it's not just the humor that captivates audiences; the production design is equally impressive. Barbie Land is a visual feast, a kaleidoscope of colors dominated by the iconic pink hue. The attention to detail and creativity in creating this fantastical world is commendable. So much so that it reportedly caused a shortage of pink paint in the real world, adding a layer of humor to the film's influence on the physical world. The heart of the film lies in Margot Robbie's phenomenal performance as Barbie. Known for her versatility, Robbie embodies the beloved doll with charm, wit, and an endearing vulnerability. She effortlessly switches between comedic brilliance and heartrending moments, creating a multi-dimensional character that resonates deeply with the audience. This may well be Robbie's finest performance to date, cementing her as one of the most talented actresses of her generation. Alongside Robbie, America Ferrera shines in a supporting role as Gloria, a Mattel employee thrust into the whirlwind of the real world with Barbie. Ferrera's portrayal is warm and genuine, and her chemistry with young talent Ariana Greenblatt, who plays her daughter, Sasha, adds a touching layer to the film's emotional core.   Ryan Gosling's casting as Ken is a stroke of genius. His undeniable charisma and energy bring Ken to life in a way that no other actor could have achieved. Gosling's chemistry with Robbie is palpable, and their performances elevate the film to new heights. Both actors deliver unforgettable performances and deserve serious consideration for awards recognition. Rodrigo Prieto's cinematography is a sight to behold. Every frame is meticulously crafted, showcasing the colorful and fantastical world of Barbie Land with awe-inspiring beauty. The film's visual splendor enhances the storytelling, making it one of the most visually striking films of the year. Beyond its entertainment value, Barbie is an incredibly important film. Gerwig's direction, coupled with the superb performances, makes audiences fall in love with cinema all over again. It reminds us of the power of storytelling and its ability to transport us to magical worlds while also reflecting on our own reality. The Bad: If I'm going to be completely honest with you all, there was not a single element of Barbie that I didn't fall in love with. Perhaps you should stay away from this one if you're not a big fan of goofy comedies or if you're not a big fan of any of the actors or something along those lines. It's also definitely not a movie that you should take your kids to see, even though this is a Barbie movie. Trust me, it goes to some seriously deep places that took me by complete surprise. There are also some adult jokes in the film as well, so be warned. Overall: Barbie, directed by Greta Gerwig, is an absolute triumph. With its side-splitting humor, jaw-dropping production design, and outstanding performances, it captivates audiences and leaves them with a renewed appreciation for the art of filmmaking. Margot Robbie's portrayal of Barbie is a tour de force, supported by an excellent ensemble cast led by Ryan Gosling and America Ferrera. The film's visual splendor, courtesy of Rodrigo Prieto's cinematography, further adds to its brilliance. Barbie is an experience that brings joy, laughter, and warmth, making it a must-see film that leaves a lasting impression on its audience. Read the full article

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

Stories I haven’t read yet, but clearly need to put on my ever-expanding List.

~*~

Welcome back queen [Thank you, it’s so lovely to be back!] if ur still doing follower recs I gotta recommend I would wait for a thousand years by bleuett it’s soooooooo good

[This one was actually recced to me by two different people, the other of whom said, “ Maybe I'm crying a little so I feel like a should recommend ‘I would wait for a thousand years’ by bleuett on ao3.��]... it’s def. on my List!

I would wait for a thousand years

by bleuett (T, 10k, wangxian)

Summary:  During the worst of winter, a traveler comes to stay at Lan Wangji's inn. He wears a red ribbon in his hair.

“Do you see the rabbit?” Wei Ying asks and points at the moon. “That’s the moon rabbit, he helps make Chang’e more immortality elixir. He keeps Chang’e company.”

“I do not wish the rabbit for company,” Lan Wangji says tightly. “You are the one I want by my side.”

“And I’m here, Lan Zhan. If you go to the moon, I’ll follow you, I’ll always be here now.”

~*~

I just read a great fic by aisthuu "every love story is a ghost story", didn't see it in your recs so wanted to recommend it! LWJ is a guqin composer and teacher, buys a cheap guqin off eBay which ends up being attached to WWX's spirit from canon era. It's bittersweet, LWJ deals with Lan's homophobia (implicit in a Lan way) and his feelings towards the ghost. This is author's only ao3 fic and honestly I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, but I'm happy I did and hope you will enjoy it too!  [I’ve recently read this one, and loved it!]

every love story is a ghost story

by aisthuu (M, 59k, wangxian, my bookmark)

Summary:  The man is in Lan Zhan’s bed. Did they—he begins to wonder, eyes trailing to where the man’s body lies under the blanket. Had Lan Zhan—?

Then the sleep-fog clears and Lan Zhan realizes that the young man isn’t quite opaque around the edges.

“You’re a spirit.”

The spirit narrows its eyes. “I’m so much more than that.”

(Lan Zhan buys a guqin off eBay for a suspiciously low price, only to find that it’s haunted. And now there’s a ghost in his bed.)

~*~

Ok so I absolutely have to rec "see you yesterday" by glyphic. It's a wip, but it's currently at 101k so there's a whole lot there, and it's terrible and wonderful and beautiful all at once. The way the backstory of canon events is adapted to the modern-with-cultivation setting is brilliant, and then there's the amnesia, and then there's the time loop. This fic lives permanently rent-free in my brain.

see you yesterday

by glyphic (M, 101k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  

Wei Ying 21:09 hey lan zhan what’s the weirdest way youve died

Lan Zhan 21:11 Falling encyclopedias.

Wei Ying 21:12 omg no way that’s so rude turning books against you???

Lan Zhan 21:13 A betrayal I will never forget.

On Halloween night, an exiled demonic cultivator and a Lan disciple get stuck in a time-loop, find each other, and try to figure it all out.

~*~

If you are looking for recs for yourself I absolutely love (the complete!) story Just as the Snow Melts by draechali on AO3. It's a canon divergence where everyone lives, even WWX! ~ @airmidcelt

Just as the Snow Melts

by draechaeli (T, 67k, wangxian)

Summary:  Like a snowy mountain top in spring the residents of the Burial Mounds trickled down the mountain and joined the flow of society.

“I went to the Burial Mounds,” Lan WangJi said.

“Ah, yeah… I’m sorry Lan Zhan,” replied Wei WuXian, “I hadn’t thought anyone would come to visit. I am still not sure how it happened; I brought A-Yuan to Yiling to play by the river and then ended up somehow teaching a bunch of children swimming and writing along with him.”

~*~

Hello! It's come to my attention that you have not as yet read Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation! Please do! It's the only thing that gave me joy during 2020 😆 like proper belly laughs and disney villain style cackling. It is a wip, and it is long but so so worth it!! The author has reworked the entire canon through these message crystals and still conveys complex characters despite the tricky format. It's just so good!! Highly highly recommend it! ❤ ~ @theladypeartree  [Oh!  I’ve been subscribed to this one, and know that @swaglexander-the-great is a reliable provider of Hilarity, so I’m excited for it to be finished!]

Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation 

by Hades_the_Blingking (T, 49k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  The Untamed universe is exactly the same, except everybody has magical crystals that have a suspiciously familiar messaging system. The story is pretty much the same as the show, except everyone lives!! (so minor changes).

or in which Wei WuXian tries his darndest to date Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng possibly has a aneurysm, Jin ZiXuan is still the most awkward human alive, and Xue Yang makes me write some VERY cursed things. Written in chatfic format! :3

~*~

Chomrafy on AO3 deserves love and encouragement; she’s written a body of compact, poetic, and eloquent shortfics each of which can stand alone, but that comprise an intricately cross-referential and mostly internally-consistent universe. They’re grouped as chapters in works according to theme; for example, “in cupped hands” focuses upon Jin Ling and his second-generation baggage; “Departure in Autumn” portrays the last years of WWX’s first life. Follow the tag “Chomrafy’s MDZS shortfics.” [I don’t see this tag?]

in cupped hands

by chomrafy (G, 2k, wangxian)

Summary:  Of secrets, of futures, of love. A Jin Ling-centric collection of 200-word fics.

Ch.1: Jin Ling repays a debt (JL, JC, & WWX). Ch.2: Jin Ling and a ghost in the mirror. (JL & JYL) Ch.3: A matter of friends (JL & the other kids) Ch.4: In this house we don't keep dogs (JC & WWX) Ch.5: In the end, he remains silent (JL & uncles) Ch.6: A first night hunt, of sorts (JL & the other kids) Ch.7: Jin Ling, forgiving, forgetting (JL & LXC & JGY) Ch.8: Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling argue (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.9: Jin Ling and his father (JL & JC) Ch.10: Jin Ling speaks up (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.11: Jin Ling and a piece of home (JL, JC, & WWX)

Departure in Autumn

by chomrafy (not rated, 6k)

Summary:  Four perspectives. A steady march to the end.

Ch.1: Because if anything happens to them, Wen Qing would never be able to heal with these hands again. Ch.2: As long as this is still home, Jiang Yanli will wait as long as she needs to. Ch.3: Five times Jiang Cheng reaches for Wei Wuxian, one time he turns away. Ch.4: Whether the road is broad or narrow, bright or dark, they would have to keep walking. Wei Wuxian digs Wen Qing's grave.

~*~

Hello, hope all is going well. I don't have an ask, by I do have a recommendation. I read this fic a while ago and found it again. I just wanted to recommend this for everyone. Let me know what you think please. Thank you. [Oh!  This one’s in my To Read list, but  I’d forgotten about it.  Mmmm, fox!wwx and dragon!lwj.]

Ten miles of Lotus Flowers

by Yukirin_Snow

M, 274k, wangxian

Summary:  He was a mischievous fox spirit, wreaking havoc where he went, about to depart on a journey that would span centuries.

He was a heavenly prince, a proud dragon destined to ascend the throne to become emperor.

Neither expected their paths to collide over the span of three lives.

~*~

I forgot if it was your blog 😥 that recommended “Bestseller” (when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit) (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528316/chapters/51318766)

But OMG IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! I LOVED IT!! And if it wasn’t your blog, I’m so sorry for how weird this sounds 😭😭😭😭 I just loved this fic so much that I have to tell it to someone 😢 [It’s on my List, but I haven’t read it yet!]

Bestseller

by pupeez4eva

M, 8k, wangxian

Summary:  He had written the book to prove a point. It was never supposed to be a big thing, and he certainly never intended for everyone — Jiang Cheng, Zewu-Jun, the Juniors, literally everyone— to be reading about his sex life.

Oh God, he definitely needed to make sure Lan Zhan didn’t find out about this.

(Or, when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit).

~*~

I’d like to rec On Your Marks, Get Set, Bake! by @blackwiresgrowonherhead

It’s one of my absolute favorites and I laughed out loud so many times when reading it

on your marks, get set, bake!

by BlackWiresOnHerHead

G, 41k, wei wuxian & juniors

Summary:  Jin Ling resumes thumping on the door to room 721, and the small collection of freshmen starts chanting “Senior Wei! Senior Wei! Senior Wei!” with increasing volume until finally Wei Wuxian opens the door.

“Yes?” he says with his widest, most innocent eyes.

“Senior Wei!” demands Lan Jingyi, shoving himself to the front of the group. “Why didn’t you tell us you’re a contestant on this year’s season of The Great Gusu Bake Off?!?”

--

Several months ago, college student Wei Wuxian secretly competed in the most popular reality show in the country. The show starts airing in the fall. The freshmen in his dorm collectively lose their minds.

~*~

If you're in the mood for v. short ridiculous fun fic, may I suggest My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio by x_los It's 2k modern cultivators AU, featuring WWX calling LWJ's sword Bitchin' [omg I’m laughing so hard] and I think it's more fun going in blind?

My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio

by x_los

T, 2k, wangxian

Summary:  Lan Wangji finds he doesn't even need to call for help for Wei Wuxian to come running.

[cybernaght]

Lost Tomb Reboot aka Reunion: The Sound of Providence Season 2

I swear I wasn’t actually planning to write this thing, instead just opting for random picture spams of the season, starting with every time this show got Zhu Yilong’s Wu Xie wet, because that was a trend I had not expected and kind of lived for.

All that will still happen eventually, but here’s also my five cents on the season, because it is very very important for you to know just how worthy of love it is. 

You see, Season 1 was silly and fun, and definitely, undeniably, enjoyable. 

Then Season 2 swooped in, and completely won my heart. I cannot even express how much I adored it. Everything about this show is extremely extra in the best possible way; it is likely to have been the most charmingly over the top thing I have ever seen.

(Vague spoilers for : specific monsters, narratively significant moments, fate of the certain characters, including the protagonist.)

Some of it comes from the pace, which speeds up dramatically early in the season, and only slows down marginally to allow characters some breathing room. It’s not just gripping because it makes you want to hit play on the next episode, it also keeps you engaged because you can’t wait to see how the next wild set of events may be resolved and then topped. At about episode ten I was questioning how they could possibly produce a sense of further escalation. At episode twenty, I was wondering if anything can top dramatic impact of whatever was occurring only two thirds of the way through the season. 

I need not have worried: every single incredible character moment, every mind-boggling turn of the plot, every single bizarre threat would be blown out of water by the next one. 

Partly, this seemingly has to do with the writers attempts to ground the material. I am not sure what the novel contained, but I can discern that it was something along the lines of ghosts, ghouls and various supernatural circumstance. But when you are told  “this is a curse”, your reaction is naturally to go, “ah okay, so curses are a thing, and this is one of them, gotcha”. When you are told, “this is a heavy metal poisoning combined with a neurotoxin affecting the victim’s central nervous system and making them violently hallucinate”, your reaction is to question whether this is how metals, toxins, poisons, or, indeed, central nervous systems work in any version of reality. 

The show does this a lot. From human shaped swarms of killer moths, to flying brain-penetrating eels, to probably my favourite monster of the moment: the murder clams.

Seriously, I cannot stress enough that this show has murder clams. They move with their clam mussels. They jump with their clam shells. They will murder you in cold blood. 

There are ancient “laser corridor” style set-ups, there are shapes made out of fog recording its memory, there are group hallucinations generated by the sound of thunder, there are Mission Impossible style full face masks. There is a character who walked off a gun wound and sarin gas poisoning in order to die in the arms of his lover who looks like his dead sister. And by “looks like” I mean, “played by the same actress”. 

There is a whole character of Doctor Churros, who saves our hero from imminent death by washing his lungs with oil. 

This, I suppose, ultimately, is how The Lost Tomb Reboot (Season 2 in particular) lures you in. It turns what I saw as the show’s fault in season 1 into its biggest strength by establishing the world in which nothing is too outlandish and everything is possible. It so thoroughly breaks your expectations barometer, you grow to willingly accept whatever is thrown at you. 

The most beautiful thing about all of it, is that the fun and games and moments of barely controlled hysteria do not lower the stakes whatsoever. Moreover, somehow this show makes me believe that it could just about do something as irrevocable as, perhaps, killing off the protagonist 

You know how you can watch, say, a super hero film, and then the “all is lost” moment happens, and you kind of have to struggle to care because you know that they will pull through. It’s curious to see how that happens, but you don’t doubt for even second that it will. Well, when that moment arrived here, I found myself between ugly sobbing, and going into speculation overdrive to try and figure out how the Reboot would deal with that. By then I have seen that show be an high octave action movie, a supernatural mystery, a horror thriller, a buddy comedy and a spy flick: it was not a massive stretch to imagine it turning into a revenge tragedy.

Wu Xie dying had been building up since episode one, so you had hours and hours and oh-so-many hours to brace for it, and when the tragedy does not strike, the relief is visceral. 

Despite all the moments of hilarity (whether intended or otherwise), despite the chaotic turns of the plot, despite how utterly off the charts this show is tonally, when it matters, the narrative is pulled together in a way which not only makes complete sense within the world of the series, but is meticulously set-up, satisfying resolved, and delivers lovely emotional impact. Considering that the moral of the story is a very common “live in the moment”, paired up with “greed is bad”, it was surprising how much resonance its delivery actually created. 

Ultimately, however, this show is about found family, and, more specifically, about Wu Xie’s ability to create this family for himself and for every single member of it. He starts as one of the trio, and ends as one of a large group of old allies, new friends, and people he has graced with so much kindness that they follow him until the bitter end. 

Lost Tomb Reboot ensures that you get to know them all, and it’s pretty damn hard to not love this misfit group of adventurers in its entirety. 

(The only thing I could say is that I wish the series spent more time making sure the viewer knows and likes Zhang Qiling, but it seemingly had little purpose for him apart form sweeping in as an avenging angel every now and then. I get that he is a well established character in the series, and that his whole thing is being deadly and enigmatic, but considering that you got to know the other two legs of the famous Triangle so well, it’s a shame that this one was reserved to mostly being Xiao Ge Ex Machina. It would have been nice to know what he was about apart from “really damn cool”.)

Bai Haotian remained my favourite character. She is cute, sweet, romantic, and, for the lack of a better word, “girly”. She is not shy about her crush on Wu Xie, and is prepared to do a lot of reckless, dangerous things for him. None of the above undermine her intelligence, cunningness and authority. Xiao Bai is a young woman in a position of power, and she absolutely knows how to handle herself; for every time she is a damsel in distress, she gets to be the rescuer. For every time she puts herself in needless danger, she learns to collect herself and plan ahead. For every time she is bossed around, she turns and takes charge. Her journey is not the centred around getting the guy, but around discovering her self-assertion; she finds her place within his team not by being a romantic interest, but through her personal strengths. 

My absolutely favourite moment for her came when an antagonist used her affection for Wu Xie to get an upper hand on her, and she gets restrained, knife to her throat. Xiao Bai swivels away, knocks the attacker out and goes to town kicking him, to a great astonishment of this team, as she states that liking someone does not make her weak. 

And it doesn’t. Being in love has nothing to do with weakness or strength. Being a young, and excitable, and a woman does not equate to weakness either.

I’m not saying that this show is a feminist manifesto, because it is definitely not that. Every other prominent female character suffers a pitiful fate in service of creating motivation for the men of the story. But it does spend a lot of time making sure you, the viewer, know its heroes well enough to mentally befriend them. And if this means giving the female lead complexity, I cannot possibly be mad at that. 

So, this was it. This was the Lost Tomb Reboot. It brought me a ridiculous amount of joy and I will miss it a lot. 

And yes, the picture spams will be 100% an excuse to rewatch at least some of it. 

PS. Said spams miiiiight be gif based if I figure out a way to colour correct the damn things. 

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

AU Raffle: Cryptid AU!

[COMPLETE]

The result of the random selection was the Cryptid AU! Multiple people suggested this, so I'm looking forward to hearing all the ideas and extensions you guys will come up with. This will be a masterpost collecting them all, and it will be pinned for the duration of the AU.

Original suggestion: "For the Raffle. Cryptid AU. None of the Hermits are truly human and they all are really powerful cryptids that are hiding their true nature. The catch! Every Hermit thinks the other Hermits are totally normal and they are the only cryptid one. Hilarity ensures with everyone trying to explain the extrange things that keep happening "

Some ideas I came up with:

- every Hermit is a cryptid or monster of some kind, except for Grian, who is fully human and completely clueless about everything that's going on (suggested by a previous ask)

- Team ZIT is an investigation group trying to prove the existence of cryptids, but each one of them is subtly trying to sabotage the investigation to hide their own cryptid-ness. None of the three know the other two are also cryptids. Hilarity ensues.

- Xisuma probably knows what's going on with everyone, but he's not saying anything

- Mumbo is doing an absolutely horrible job of hiding that he's a cryptid, but somehow people still don't notice. Iskall is probably the closest to figuring it out.

- VintageBeef has already figured out that Keralis isn't human, but Keralis is bribing him to keep quiet

I hope that's enough to get the ball rolling! Send in your ideas using asks, and I'll put them down here!

If you need ideas about which cryptid would fit best with which Hermit, this list may be helpful.

Anonymous Additions:

- I feel like xisuma should be some kind of shapeshifter

- cleo was brought back to life by a family that loved her very much- or at least, that was what they tried to do. in reality, they brought a completely new soul back in the body of a deceased relative. cleo felt uncomfortable around people who thought she was a different person than she was, so she ran away and eventually befriended the hermits bc she just felt ~drawn to them~. she disguises her bloodless skin and lack of body heat with thick clothes and lots of makeup

- Cleo, of course, is a zombie, but she also has ties to Cthulu that she doesn't really try to hide, but that people overlook all the time. I'm just saying, an avatar of an eldritch being having to be a zombie kinda makes sense...

- Cthulu needed a body, and this kind family was nice enough to supply one! It was kinda their fault really, praying to ancient gods and making deals without reading the fine print. Cleo might feel guilty, but it wasn't on her, not really

- cryptid au: joe isn't a human, but a changeling: a shapeshifting, nonhuman entity that evolved to invade human families like a cuckoo. he has the ability to bend light to make illusions, but he normally just uses his powers to make himself appear human. however he does like to make all lime green things he sees invisible, for the lulz

- What about mumbo being a vampire, it just introduces the idea of so many odd behaviors that the others are just oblivious to

- What if ren is a werewolf(I know it isn't original) and he just thinks of the other hermits as his pack and is therefor very protective of them

- Obligatory Ren is a Werewolf for the Cryptid AU. He is acts like a gigant puppy when he is in wolf form. Nobody questions why sometimes they found a gigant wolf trying to play fetch with them. But nobody is complaining. Everyone talks about it and Ren is just upset because the gigant pupper has never come to see him. Surprise!! Not even Ren knows he is a werewolf

- idk if your still doing cryptid stuff because i don't really know how this works but,, what if everyone thinks that Grian Is Something when he's not. They keep trying to figure it out by asking him weird questions or trying to get him to do weird stuff, but he still stays completely oblivious. And then since Xisuma knows what everyone is, he thinks it's hilarious trying to watch everyone try to find something that isn't there.

- Cryptid au: Doc has made it obvious that he is a cryptid like, he explains it so obviously even an idiot would tell that he's one, But no one has figured out yet. So after the 15th time of explaining things he decides to present how he's a cryptid, by making a goatess.

- For the au, I have 2 ideas for grian, either he is very outspoken about not believing in the super natural, or he very much does believe in the supernatural, either way he unknowingly befriends multiple cryptids and is very confused

- Cryptic AU: Tango has fire for hair, and no ones really questioned as to why?

- What if false was a siren, just because it seems like an interesting idea (my addition: Wels would also make a great siren)

- Stress seems like the type to be an elf, graceful and cheerful, and of course admiring nature's beauty

- What if Impulse was mothman, I like this idea because of the whole team zit being paranormal investigators and they just go looking for mothman on one trip, and Impulse is just standing there probably feeling a bit awkward

- If Impulse is Mothman and he can fly and Tango is like a fire demon that controls fire, is only fair that Zed is an aquatic Cryptid. Maybe related to a lake monster or he is a Sea Serpent

- Yeti Iskall getting used to the hot environment of the Jungle??? Maybe?

- i have no clue how this works but etho is related to ningen in a way (Antarctic sea creatures from Japanese folklore)

- Joe's poems seem to stick in your head, echoing around for hours after you hear them, ringing between your ears. Their subjects vary, but they often seem eerily prophetic, warnings encased in rhythm and rhyme. Sometimes you swear you can hear the soft scritch of a pen on paper, before you realize you are the only one around.

- Wait how the hell would jevin hide that fact he's a slime? Better yet how do the other hermits not put to and to together? Through I think jevin probably wouldn't even bother trying to hide it, I mean he's a huge blob of slime how would you not be able to tell

(my response, summarized) Jevin inhabits a body of slime because that's the easiest way to hide his true form. "Jevin" is a non-physical entity that can possess other lifeforms by destroying their will. He chose a slime this time because it was easy and inconspicuous.)

- Cryptid au: Team ZIT have a headquarters and they all pitched in to commission Etho to make their door bell chime, the ghost busters theme, and afterward interrogated Etho to the ground.

- Doc is not a creeper with cyborneticts. Doc is the AI that came with the cyborneticts and over-wrote the conciousness of the creeper. Figured that making Doc something else would be too dificult so maybe subverting what he is with what we got alredy is enough (like you did with Jevin)

- I am putting this here for vampire mumbo in the au because the thought will not leave my head. It's dark, and mumbo's eyes seem to reflect light very well, his canine teeth seem just a bit too long and sharp, they seem to be stained red,was he always this tall? Something about him seems off, he seems very elegant in this darkness.

- cryptid au: when joe was young, he was ignored so much that he turned invisible. you can still see his shadow but you could look directly at him and not see him there with the best tools. he disguises himself by staying quiet, using text to communicate with the other hermits or by covering himself with clothes and masks so nobody would be able to see his body even if he wasnt invisible.

- For the au I think that Iskall could be a dryad because of his base this season

- Imagine if you will: Tango leaves town for a bit so the team ZIT can't do their "investigations". Impulse gets bored and decided to pretend to kidnap Zedaph in mothman-form. When Tango returns, Zedaph tells him how he almost was kidnapped by Mothman (and is over-exaggerating on every detail)

- What if in the au there is a situation where team zit is in some sort of danger, and so each of them just independently decide that they have to reveal the fact of their cryptid selves, and they just collectivly think,"huh. Okay." And after they are safe, they just talk about it as a group

- Beef is big foot.

- Biffa looks like a robot or cyborg, which one? He won't say. Maybe its because its neither, maybe he's just a walking body with a mind, maybe he's just a suit of armor roaming the world, maybe a spirit or ghost from the past, maybe a mob whose inhabited and pilots the body, maybe he's just Biffa. Only he knows, but he won't say

- Cryptid AU: I’m just imagining zedaph or tango throwing a bell at grian in an attempt to “capture” him under the suspicion that he’s part fae or something at a server meeting

- About Cryptid!Wels, sometimes, when the night is dark and the world is silent, you'll hear it; a soft voice in the darkness. You can't help but listen to it as you get lost in the song, swaying to the melody as your foot moves to the beat. The song gets louder and your feet are more frantic as they seem to take you somewhere. Suddenly, the voice stops singing and so you stop moving, and when you open your eyes you find yourself on the edge of the cliff overlooking the ocean. The siren lurks near

- Doc isnt a Creeper with cybrog parts but a robot made to look like a creeper, that arm and eye? yea just exposed parts from years of just not caring enough. He's waiting to see when someone will call him out on it. So far, only TFC and X but they like to watch how long this will go. Doc isnt even hiding anymore, he loves to mess with Grian by making remarks that imply he's a robot but Grian just can't figure it out

- tbh I love the idea of Joe as a regular human who just acts super cryptic and strange, and has a bit of skill at poetry. others try and figure out what he is, and he's just vibing in a corner, the last one anyone would expect to be the sole normal person on the server

- Cryptid AU. Joe and Cleo as the ‘One Bagel. No!! Two bagels!’ Vine. Joe being the one that asked and Cleo ignoring Cthulhu

- Joe starts sharing different ideas of what he could be, and only Cleo knows (mostly... she's the closest at least). Joe's mystery is a Hermitcraft classic, greeting every hermit except X, who still only has what Joe's told him to go on. He delights in the chaos he causes

- Scar is a poltergeist, he hides it well. One time Grian caught him using his powers, after scar fessed up, in private, they both bring some amount of chaos to the server, but not to much so the ZIT crypt hunters, name in progress, don't know about the chaos, thus not puting the duo in danger.

- Mumbo might be a vampire, but it isn’t for blood (at least, not anymore). Only Grian has come close to figuring it out, and it’s due to seeing how refreshed and satisfied his friend looks after being around 2+ groups of people. If only he would just straight up and ask. - 🦊

- Rather last minute but do you have any ideas of how Evil Xisuma could fit into this? Would he be a shapeshifter as well. A copy of X's true form? A demon haunting Xisuma? Just X's pesky brother? There's a handful of ideas I can't personally decide what would fit best. Maybe none of them at all, who know?

Cryptid Au. Xisuma shapeshifts for fun. Thats how we get Turtle!Xisuma, Beesuma and Stridersuma. All hermits just assume X changes his suit because they have never seen his face so there is no way for them to know he shifts. Also clasic headcanon that TFC is Herobrine and he is just laying low in Hermitcraft after years of going around worlds. Everyone knows the legend about Herobrine but have not connected the dots yet because TFC is just everyone’s grandpa. No way he could be Herobrine.

- @/ivi-prism

- While most might assume that Grian would be a harpy, its actully Scar. He's incredibly flexable in Human form, hes able to manuver his foot behind his head, and moret than once has Cub walked in on Scar with a living fish in his mouth. He never questioned it because "Hey, Vex magics weird."

- Imagine- sytyr Zedaph and Fae Impulse walking in on Willowwisp Tango who,because willowwisps are typically tiny, shrunk in response to panic and is now stuck in a caldron. I think that be hilarious. Just the idea of impulse going-"YOUR A CRYPTID?" while Zed just "WAIT I KNEW I DIDNT BURN THOSE PAPERS!" Which leads into a discussion of ZIT internal sabotage, and suddenly ZIT invesigation changes direction from "Are cryptids real" to "Is anyone else a Cryptid cause this cannot be a Coincidence"

- @/crypticalwitch

- Cryptic AU: Tango can also control his hair, to an extent. He can slick it back, but it still looks like burning embers. It's a bit mesmerizing

- Cryptid AU: Cub was a normal guy, maybe with some weirder interests, before the Vex. "Playing" with their magic too much is what made him a cryptid. So maybe he understands that the other hermits aren't exactly "human". But it isn't his business, and it means they don't question what the Vex get him into, so he just doesn't say anything about it

- Cryptic AU: Team ZIT's strongest evidence for Grian is the fact he's a master with an elytra, especially since he first said he "might use it a little bit" for long journeys. He's flown into a dark hole in a dark wall that's barely big enough to fit him multiple times, with ease, among other risky stunts that would get other hermits killed. The fact there's not much else to go on, besides his pranking zeal only matched by Zed himself, drives them up the wall

- Cryptic AU: when you stay out too long at night, you might start to feel watched. You'll turn around and nobody is there, but still you feel eyes on your back, and the breeze always seems hot and brushes your neck like too-close breathing and a hand. Finally, you catch it: a familiar figure that stands too stiffly, always just too far away to name. Then it vanishes with an airy shriek, and phantoms descend from the stars. Bdubs did always say the worst things happen in the night.

- Cryptic AU: Impulse's smiles are just a little too big. If you look at one too long, you feel as though it's stretching wider and wider, the cheery shine in his eyes twisting into a hungry gleam, but then you blink and he's back to normal ol Impulse and you question if you really saw anything. That time you saw his smile glinting in the darkness just beyond your bed must've been a nightmare. Your imagination.

- Cryptic AU: Don't look into his eyes. Look in, and you will see the universes. Billions of stars, trillions of futures, all impossibly swirling together, hauntingly beautiful. You'll fall down, down, down through the glittering spirals, until with a breathtaking snap you're on your knees, on solid ground. You're lucky he doesn't want to keep you, like others might. The lives and worlds you glimpsed will echo through your mind, weave through your dreams. Do not fear. Do not look into his eyes.

- The mountain is his territory. If you enter it unbidden, he will ensure you leave, lucky to keep your life. His contraptions are nonsense, seeming to serve no purpose other than to confuse. They distract from how the air crackles on your skin, how it tastes of storms and thunder. They distract how, from the corner of your eye, Zedaph's limbs are too long, fingers with too many knuckles and legs with too many knees. All angles and bones, like his designs. Do not look too closely at his garden.

- Everyone learned not to ask about him. Mostly because in trying to form the question, you'll find the words slipping from your mind. So Tango's hair burns, his eyes are red cherries. In the darkness he glows, the embers of a forgotten fire. His skin is always hot, almost feverish, yet he isnt sick. If he gets too close to lava, the illusion fades, reveals the magma that forms his skin. Illusion? No, that was just a burn. He relishes the smoke and rubble of explosions. Control. Always controlled.

- xB doesn't mind being away from the other hermits. It's quiet there; far enough away that most aren't bothered to prank him. He doesn't like surprises. Surprises get people hurt. Gets his friends hurt. His guardians appreciate the still predictability. The calm. Yes, he prefers to sit back, quiet, and watch. If he looks too long, bad things happen. So he observes it all, never focusing too much on one detail, never letting them go unseen. It prevents surprises.

- Because that last one wasn't all that clear, xB is a guardian-based cryptid! While nothing seems inhuman about him at a glance, he has a close affinity to water, and when threatened the spines he hides with his clothes will stick out. (Guardians only spawn in water, but they actually don't suffocate in air! Though their desperate flopping is a sad sight to behold) Plus, laser-eyes

- Xisuma wasn't always able to change his form as easily or drastically as he can now. But by now, he's forgotten his own face. Now, he'll feel his skin, his body begin to itch with the need to change. He's glad the hermits don't seem to care when he does. Keralis's mimicry was a surprise, but a welcome one. He feels less alone. Loneliness is how he would lose himself. He's scared of that possibility.

- When he sleeps, he walks through the minds of those whose eyes met his, as if it were his own dream. He'll hear their thoughts as if they were his own. He doesn't like this. It feels like an invasion. He feels like a parasite, and maybe he is. Whoever he dreamed through last, they seem exhausted and jumpy after, while he feels energized, near invincible. It's through this ability he knows their deepest secrets, but they aren't his to tell. Sometimes, he wishes he could understand. (Xisuma pt 2)

- Cryptid AU: another reason that Grian cant possibly be a human is his clothes. Just. How does he have something for every occasion. He even has a janitor one? Why did he have that? This "man" doesn't own a single closet yet has at least 20 different costumes-- not to mention you blink and he's changed! Wh- he had a REAPER costume for himself AND SCAR???

- @/basaltdragon

- Cryptid AU: Grian used to be against cryptids because of Sam (YHS) and his bunny attributes, but has since accepted the fact Sam was just a bad apple, and cryptids as a whole are neutral/good.

- Your heart, it beats, like redstone ticking away within you. He knows redstone through and through... so why not you too? Every pulse sent though the machine of your body is one more reason for him to reverse engineer you. But he restrains, takes a step back, as these machines could never be put back together.

- He's been here since the beginning; not of Hermitcraft, but everything. Watching as the game evolved over the years... He smiles at the thought. His hair now matching his eyes - like harsh reflective snow - he recalls these memories fondly. As his eyes fade to their piercing blue, he sighs, for this is home.

- When any of the other Hermits (at least the ones with blood) get injured, Mumbo has to step away. The need for their blood, their lifeforce, is too overwhelming.

- @/12u3ie

- Cryptid AU: with the team ZIT headquarters I thought of something similar to the TEA headquarters from season 3. Probably more confusing, colourful and chock full of even more excessive redstone doors. Why not add another elevator? Where's the coffee machine? Maybe the next room over? Was that corridor there before? I don't know. What's the use of that room? What's behind that door? What's behind you?

- Cryptid AU: with the whole burning hair thing on Tango, another explanation for why no one questions it. That's just Hermitcraft, people just assume he either royally messed up a redstone machine, or succeeded completely, you never know with Tango. Or maybe they think they're sleep deprived. They haven't slept in a while, Bdubs has been reminding them to do so. What were they doing? Maybe they should go home instead. Whatever they were doing can probably be done later. What were they doing?

- @/the-royal-bat-snake

- If joe is a changing then he is some kind of fae folk or as the irish and the Scots call them "the good neighbours" he could like anything, from a human, a small man, like knee height or a small green impish or goblin esque creature. Also changlings were the very old fae folk, not just the babies (humma women were stolen to be nurse maids cus fae folk cant make milk, also stolen to be mistresses) I know a lot of irish faerie lore so if you want to know anymore

- @/whatschooldoesntteachyou

[icharchivist]

Love how I haven't seen absolutely anyone talk about that supposedly contemporary portrait of Popol

DFLKJDFLKJDFLKFDJDKLFJDFLKDF

yeah it was getting late for me and i genuinely don't even know how to tackle it

ihe still looks cute imo! but yeah very far off the bishonen-looking--like-lancelot they all had going on lmao

the Popol saga really is the Hamilton of the ages. or well. To be fair there's a whole genre of historical romance visual novels that do that so it's more reflecting of this cultural phenomena than reality. Hell, Gintama is based on real historical figure and they don't look anything like their historical figure and also just do i really need to point out the hilarity of this.

in the end the conclusion that "the Popol i imagine is my own" because the imagination is on the character and not the real person is so. funny to me. but also when games like FGO exist can we even lecture them.

so yeah that sure was something but my answer to that is that i want to see Lopop. I want to see what the Sephiroth wannabe looked like for realsies.

but else i don't know how to even talk about it so dLKFJDFLK

[violatile]

PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP MEME 0.2       /      @ivestwins​​​

send me a  ✿  and i’ll fill out the template below. bold for things i could definitely see or want, italics for things i could see or am unsure of and striked out for things i don’t want or cannot see.

FRIENDSHIP.     childhood friends  /  work buddies or coworkers /  family friends  /  friends with benefits  /  smoking buddies  /  adventure buddies  /  fake friends  /  recently friends  / party buddies /  friendship of need  /  dying friendship  /  circumstantial friendship  /  partners in crime  / old friendship  / [ your muse ] is the good influence /  [ your muse ] is the bad influence  /  [ my muse ] is the good influence  / [ my muse ] is the bad influence  /  opposites attract  /  ride or die  /  frenemies  /  roommates or flatmates  /  penpals  /  exes to friends  /  enemies to friends  /  other .

ROMANCE.     childhood sweethearts  /  [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush  /  [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush  /  exes  /  exes to lovers  /  forbidden lovers  /  highschool sweethearts  /  secret relationship  /  opposites attract  /  long distance  /  unrequited [ from your muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from my muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from both sides ]  /  skinny love  /  friends to lovers  /  enemies to lovers  /  spurious relationship  /  power couple  /  newly entered  /  soulmates [ metaphorical ]  /  soulmates  [ literal ]  /  awkward  /  turning toxic  /  toxic love  /  cheating [ on your muse ]  /  cheating [ with your muse ]  /  other .

FAMILIAL.     siblings [ half ]  /  siblings [ step ]  /  [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure  /  [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse  /  [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours  /  [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse  /  guardian figure  /  legal guardian  /  adoptive child  /  foster child  /  [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing  /  [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing  /  other .

ANTAGONISTIC.     dangerous to each other  /  dangerous to others  /  unpredictable  /  rivals  /  petty  /  developing into sexual or romantic tension  /  based off family matters  /  based of off circumstance  /  based of professional matters  /  based off misunderstanding or lies /  conflict of ideology  /  betrayal  /  hero - villain dynamic  /  enemies  /  fight club  / friends turned enemies /  lovers turned enemies  /  exes turned enemies  /  other .

SOME ADDITIONAL QUICK NOTES / IDEAS

okay okay so pERHAPS the twins could end up crash landing in liv’s backyard or find their way to her house or something while she’s home alone. she believes she has absolutely no caretaker instincts so while she tries to help she’s kind of like “ bro just eat these eggos and sit down and shut up while i try to find your parents ”

then perhaps on the news there’s this bulletin that shows up and they’re like “ we are looking for these two twins they are suspects in this murder ” and liv is like yo wtf

perhaps the twins try to explain that they aren’t murders they are reality jumpers and the demogorgon is after everyone and liv is like,,,,wow i need to stop doing dr*gs you guys are so full of shit

she might try to take them to the police station, but perhaps they run into some killers and hilarity/near death experiences ensue

anyway even though they start off rocky and probably argue a lot, i think in the end once they start bonding, liv would do anything to protect these two kiddos

i know u are canon divergent but if will still likes dnd, liv LOVES it and i can see him trying to explain what’s going on with dnd pieces

[rocknvaughn]

A New Review of Benjamin from the Glasgow Film Festival

Films are often segregated by their sexual orientation. Look at Netflix and Sky Movies, you can categorise your searches by “Gay/Lesbian Films” or “LGBTQ”. Simon Amstell, the comedian-turned-director of Benjamin, says he doesn’t see himself as a “queer comedian”, he’s just a comedian. In that spirit, his debut film, despite having a homosexual relationship at its heart, doesn’t allude to or contrive drama out of his characters’ sexualities alone – the conflicts are rooted within their colliding emotions, and it’s incredibly refreshing.

How much of the feature is based on Amstell’s own coming-of-age to becoming a “real boy” isn’t exactly confirmed, but the situational cringe is so astute, it can only have come from a place of honesty. The film opens within a confined aspect ratio, showing a couple arguing about their intimate frustrations. It’s funny but too try-hard, then, sigh of relief, Amstell pulls out – it was a film within a film. Benjamin (Colin Morgan), the director and writer, is watching with his producer prior to its festival premiere. He’s pushing for more scenes of a monk, and Tessa (Anna Chancellor) is clearly opposed.

Morgan is the film’s nervous soul, and the opening scenes which acquaint you with his untameable motormouth, shifty demeanour and internal pressure are rather charming (he says he’d be happy just making one great film and living with that legacy, “ideally I’d have made that film and died”). There’s also his solemn side, shown through emotionally meandering bus rides and sitting aimlessly at home, relatably indulging in a love-deprived bout of ice-cream smothered gluttony.

On a fateful night out, he meets Noah (Phénix Brossard), a handsome lead singer who sparks up a cutesy rapport with Colin. From here, the pair begin their love story, enjoying such delicacies as magic mushrooms and porridge. They bounce off each other well, Brossard having the sensibilities of the cool, mysterious kid, and Morgan drawing out empathy in every scene – one of the qualities the director said swayed him to pick the actor.

Coming from sitcom writing, Amstell’s script and direction has a slightly awkward sense of pacing. The relatively short runtime is packed with relentless comic set-ups, most of which are absolutely brilliant, constructed from painstaking reality. But the sub-plots don’t always gel into on cohesive piece, feeling more like detours than one journey. Benjamin’s endearing friendship with pal Stephen (Joel Fry) has some serious undertones towards the film’s climax, but it doesn’t necessarily feel earned. One particularly funny offshoot is the lead’s creative clashes with Harry (Jack Rowan) a self-obsessed, pretentious actor, who “paints his feelings” and envisions stories (although he thinks beyond having a story) with colours and dreams of swans.

Amstell is well-established as a natural comic, and his keen ear for the hilarity of the ordinary and the quirky is evident, despite structural issues. He also lets his passion for music shine through (as a past host of Never Mind The Buzzcocks), writing the heart-aching lyrics that Broussard performs with engaging gravitas. His DP, David Pimm, evokes staggering beauty out of some of London’s hotspots, for example scenes shot in the Curzon Soho cinema are lit to perfection. The framing throughout is lovely and creates a firm, indie look for the movie that never shifts. There’s also an all-time favourite cameo in the form of Mark Kermode, reaffirming the film’s mockery of the pretentious nature of art with a real chuckle.

Amstell’s debut is a glance into what rom-coms centred around gay couples can be; touching and side-splitting, without the need for a label.

Flickering Myth Rating –

Film: ★ ★ ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★ ★ ★

Cameron Frew is a film critic who can be found on Twitter @FrewFilm. You can also find him on Facebook, or send an email to cameronfrew97@gmail.com.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael In the Mainstream - Avengers: Endgame

Endgame is a film that is really more than a film. This is a cultural milestone. This is the culmination of a decade’s worth of stories told by all sorts of different creative minds, a set of stories that all managed to have consistent character growth and development, a grand finale to ten years with all sorts of beloved and iconic characters. This film is the twilight of the age of Steve Rogers and Tony Stark, and the dawn of a new era of fresh heroes, heroes whose stories we’ve only begun to experience. This is something that has never been done before, a massive storyline told throughout twenty plus films coming together in a big shared universe to deliver an awesome, climactic final confrontation between characters we know and love and a villain we love to hate. There’s never really been a film of this magnitude before.

I have loved the MCU since it began when I was a teenager. I had just started high school when Iron Man first came out, and it just amazed me how good it was. Unlike the year’s other superhero film, which was based on one of the Big Three of Marvel’s Distinguished Competition, I didn’t really have any sort of huge expectations for Iron Man. Like sure, I was aware of who he was, I knew he was a classic Marvel comic character, but he wasn’t Spider-Man or the X-Men, the characters I grew up watching in cartoons and who I was intimately familiar with. Hell, I even knew the Hulk better than Iron Man. But boy, did that change fast; Robert Downey Jr.’s incredible performance, the fun writing, the gripping character study, and the solid action all got me interested in this washed up B-list hero who had spent the most recent arc of his comics becoming the superhero version of Hitler.

And that was a running theme for the MCU. I ever cared too much about characters like Captain America, Thor, Ant-Man, or Black Panther when I was younger, and I didn’t even know characters like the Guardians of the Galaxy were a thing. All of this was just beyond my knowledge. And yet, these films made me care about these characters, got me invested in them. It’s something that with a few rare exceptions the X-Men films completely failed to do. I honestly can say after all is said and done I love Iron Man, Captain America, and the Guardians way more than I do Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Storm, which is not something I would have ever guessed I’d say a decade ago. And growing up with all these characters and seeing them go through these films, going into this one I knew there had to be some big dramatic payoff, some sense of finality. You can pull of stuff like massive retcons and everyone coming back from the dead in comics, but in movies? That’s how you lose viewers. I knew they’d really have to blow our minds with this, especially after the brutal gut punch that was Infinity War.

And for the most part, they truly delivered.

Endgame is a satisfying conclusion to the epic first decade of the MCU, closing the doors on some stories but opening up a world of possibilities on others. And while there are some problems here and there, the overall product is just so good that it’s easy to forgive the flaws, though it is easy to see why some would be a bit less forgiving. Still, even more critical folk than me admit that regardless of problems this is still a good movie.

This movie has three acts, and I will be going over each individually. There are going to be SPOILERS here, because there is just so much to unpack with this film, so consider this your warning. Again, SPOILERS BELOW.

The first act picks up where the Avengers were left at the end of Infinity War: broken, defeated, and desperate. Despite Carol saving Tony and Nebula from deep space, things seem pretty hopeless, until an energy signature is picked up revealing the whereabouts of Thanos. The Avengers rush to confront him, eager to steal back the Stones and right what went wrong… but upon arriving, they find Thanos broken, scarred, and worst of all, utterly without the Stones. He destroyed them all so his work could not be undone. He has completely, irreversibly won. And so when Thor brings Stormbreaker down and cuts off his head only a short while into the film, it does not feel triumphant or thrilling. It feel sad, miserable, and bitter.

I think this is probably one of the better twists in the first act. The pace at the beginning is rather slow until they confront Thanos, and it ultimately works in the movie’s favor as it makes the horrific revelation hurt all the more, and then following it up with a time skip of five years later is just rubbing salt in the wound. It also helps cement the original Thanos as a truly unique villain. He not only won, but he died knowing he won. He was victorious in death for five years, and there was nothing any of the heroes could do about it. It seems a bit anti-climactic when you first think about it, but really this end to the original Thanos is a rather fitting conclusion of his character arc from Infinity War. He won, he watched the sun rise on the universe… what more could this Thanos really do?

The time skip shows what all the heroes have been up to in the interim: Steve is running support groups  for survivors, Tony has married Pepper and has a daughter, Natasha has been in contact with the remaining heroes, Clint has been out brutally murdering criminals as Ronin, Banner has managed to keep his intellect as Hulk and become a relatively famous figure, and Thor has basically become an obese drunkard wallowing in his failure. Our heroes are at their absolute lowest point… until one little rat walks over a control panel on a van in a storage unit and frees Scott “Ant-Man” Lang from the Quantum Realm.

I will say that a lot of the latter half of the first act, the part that sets up the “Time Heist” of the second act, drags on a bit, and this is really the portion of the film that will make or break it for you. You need to really be invested in these characters, you need to be ready to handle the ways they’ve dealt with the knowledge that they have lost. Thor’s fate especially has been contentious, with people crying foul that throughout the movie the Russos did nothing but “undo” all the development Taika Waititi gave him, which is quite frankly such a stupid argument it’s not worth addressing. What IS worth addressing is how Thor’s trauma, unlike most of the other Avengers, is played for laughs. For some, seeing Thor as a fat, slovenly drunkard is going to be a bit upsetting and tasteless; for others, the black comedy will cross the line twice and make it rather funny. That aspect is definitely going to help or hinder your enjoyment of this segment.

Even that aside, it does really feel like it takes a while to get to the real fun part of the movie, though it’s not as if anything in the first act is truly bad, per se; it’s just very character-driven as opposed to exciting and thrilling. If you’re into character-driven drama, then you’ll really dig this, since all of the performances here are excellent, with Paul Rudd in particular really showing off some impressive range and Scarlett Johansson actually managing to impress me with her emotional performance. Seeing Hawkeye become a complete and total badass who slaughters his way through thugs is also a refreshing change from the absolute joke he has been in previous films, and his winning streak in act one is happily carried throughout the film, completely redeeming Hawkeye. There’s also a lot of good comedy here as it builds up into the time heist, particularly Rhodey’s suggestion of what to do with baby Thanos or the ill-fated test run of the time machine.

I think it is important to note that unlike most films that deal with the subject, the movie actually gives clear, definitive rules on time travel: you can’t go back to the past and alter your present, any changes you make only succeed in creating a split timeline resulting in an alternate universe. This does not allow them to go back and kill Thanos before the Snap, but it DOES allow them to go back to times when they could reasonably steal the Infinity Stones and use them to undo the damage done. This is actually a pretty solid take on time travel and an easy take to grasp at that, though as I will mention later, this simple and clearly explained version of time travel has somehow left people confused. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Act two is where the movie really picks up steam, as the remaining heroes split into groups and head back to points in time where they get to experience moments from beloved Marvel films (and Thor: The Dark World) as they retrieve the Stones. Cap, Tony, and Ant-Man go after Loki’s scepter and the Tesserect following the battle of New York as seen in The Avengers, which leads to a lot of hilarity including Cap fighting his past self and an elevator scene that not only calls back to the one from The Winter Soldier but also features the redemption of one of the most awful moments in modern comics with one of the single funniest lines in the entire film; Hulk wanders over to the Sanctum Sanctorum and argues with the Ancient One for the Stone in the Eye of Agamotto; Rocket and Thor go back to the period of time where Jane Foster was at Asgard to steal the Reality Stone from inside her, which leads to Thor getting a touching reunion with his mother as well as an opportunity to snag Mjolnir; Nebula and Rhodey get to go to the opening of Guardians of the Galaxy and witness Peter Quill dancing and singing to himself like a moron before knocking him out and stealing the Stone; and Black Widow and Hawkeye go to Vormir to confront the Red Skull for the Soul Stone. I’m sure you can imagine how that one goes.

This part of the movie is a lot more fun with how varied it gets. There’s plenty of comedy, action, and character moments, and it just feels a lot more fun than the first act. Seeing how characters that rarely interacted or even never interacted in the past bounce off each other is really delightful, particularly Rhodey and Nebula. Of course, there is also great moments of development, such as when Steve and Tony botch their initial Stone theft and have to go back even further in time, which leads to Tony getting a heartwarming moment with his father while Steve is reminded of Peggy. And then, of course, there is Black Widow and her character arc coming to a close, as she heroically mirrors Gamora’s tragic fate.

There has, of course, been a lot of argument over Black Widow’s fate here. Here’s my take on it: Black Widow’s character arc throughtout the films has always been a desire to scrub the red from her ledger and find some meaning to her life. Age of Ultron, for all its flaws, shows she thinks of herself as a monster, and truly just wants to make a connection, find a group she has something in common with. With the Avengers, she found just that, she found the family she never had, she found something worth living for, fighting for, and ultimately dying for. Her sacrifice wasn’t some sad attempt at shock, it wasn’t her being stuffed in the fridge to further the character arcs of her male costars, it was her character arc becoming fully realized, it was her understanding that to save those she loved she had to make a choice, and it is the most utterly selfless and heroic act in the entire movie, and maybe even the entire franchise. Everyone would have lost if not for Natasha. She is probably the most heroic character in the movie… well, with one exception, but we’ll get to him shortly. The point is, her sacrifice carried more dramatic and thematic weight than if Clint had sacrificed himself; Clint is very much an underrealized and underutilized character, and while this movie improved him, it was still not enough to make his sacrifice as painful as Black Widow’s.

Act two comes to a close with heroes grieving Black Widow and preparing the Stones for a Snap to bring everyone back… unfortunately, they don’t realize there is a traitor in their midst: Nebula. Not out Nebula, but Nebula from 2014, prior to her character development. You see, Thanos could still access the future Nebula’s video recording eye since her software is still on the same server even in the future (it’s a bit weird but it still makes a bit of sense). 2014 Thanos finds out about his future self’s victory and becomes furious that any would try and undo his “mercy.” And so he enacts a plan to get him to this future and kill the Avengers once and for all. The evil Nebula bringing her father and his fleet to the future right after the second snap kicks off the third act, as Thanos obliterates the Avenger’s mansion with his ship.

The third act, the entire third act, is just peak MCU. The entire act from start to finish is the absolute best the franchise has to offer. It all begins with the heroes struggling to regroup and find each other in the wreckage, with Hawkeye having to run from aliens in a dark basement, Hulk having to hold up rubble to help save Rhodey and Rocket, Nebula helping sway 2014 Gamora to her side and then in the ultimate act of “God I really hate how I used to be” shooting her past self to death, Ant-Man rushing to save his friends after escaping the blast, and Cap, Thor, and Iron Man going to fight Thanos. This is the beginning of the end.

It is interesting to note that here, Thanos is a lot closer to the megalomaniac tyrant he was in the comics while still staying in line with his movie version from the previous film. It does go to show how fragile his ego is and how his talk of his work being merciful and good is just a delusion he has bought into; he freely admits here that he should not have been so kind, he blames everyone else for his failure, and he promises to remake the universe in his image, perfectly balanced and unaware of all they lost. Despite being almost an entire reversal of his previous characterization, it actually functions quite while as a weird way of continuing his arc while at the same time addressing the criticisms many leveled at the anti-villainous Thanos of Infinity War. It definitely looks like the Russos were well aware of how Thanos would be perceived, and did a really great job at having the best of both worlds in regards to his characterization. And even here, where he is fully embracing his villainy and saying how he will enjoy crushing his foes, one still gets the sense that he still sees himself as the hero in his mind and is absolutely furious that anyone would wish to undo what he considers a kindness.

Of course, the battle with these three fighting Thanos is quite enjoyable, and showcases even without his Gauntlet Thanos is a force to be reckoned with, as he trounces the three Avengers, though not without great effort… especially after Steve Rogers does something we’ve all been waiting a long time to see him do: pick up Mjolnir and wield it in battle. I think it’s safe to say that Thor’s jubilant shout of “I KNEW IT!” is one that was echoed in the minds of every single viewer of the scene. And just when you think the movie couldn’t get even more epic, just when it seems that Thanos will win as a bruised and bettered Steve stands alone against Thanos and his entire army… Steve gets a call.

“On your left.”

Hundreds of magic portals open, and the resurrected heroes all come through, along with any sort of crew they could bring. For the record, this is: Black Panther, Shuri, Okoye, M’Baku, the armies of Wakanda, Doctor Strange, Wong, all of the wizards, Spider-Man, Star-Lord, Drax, Mantis, Groot, Falcon, Bucky, Scarlet Witch, Valkyrie, Korg, Miek, the remaining Asgardians, Wasp, Pepper Potts in her Rescue armor, Kraglin, his Ravager crew, and even Howard the Duck. And if that’s not enough for you, the Avengers who were still alive before the attack all come in for the battle. And they said Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was the most ambitious crossover of all time. Was Howard the Duck in Smash? I think not.

And as the heroes gather for the inevitable charge, do you know what Steve says? He says two little words that fans have been waiting for such a long time to hear him say, something a less talented writer and director teased us with several films ago:

“AVENGERS… ASSEMBLE!”

Hurry quick and wipe those tears from your eyes so you don’t miss the awesome final battle, which is just filled to the brim with moments where every single hero gets to shine. Highlights include Spidey and Tony reuniting, Spidey activating the “Instant Kill” function of his suit, Gamora kicking Star-Lord in the balls, Tony and Pepper fighting back to back, Scarlet Witch confronting Thanos, and the awesomely cheesy “GIRL POWER” moment that is far more empowering than the entirety of Captain Marvel. Everything about this battle is fantastic, everything about it is peak MCU, everything is the epitome of why people love superhero movies… and it all culminates with the conclusion of Tony Stark’s decade-long character arc, as he steals the Stones from Thanos and snaps his fingers, erasing Thanos and his army at the cost of his life.

This moment is depressing on two fronts. On one, there is Tony. He is the hero we have spent the most time with, the one we know the best. And after all these films, he finally proved Steve Rogers wrong: he was able to lay his life on the line for the greater good, sacrificing himself fully for his wife, his daughter, his friends, and the entire universe. Tony went from a self-absorbed egomaniac arms dealer to a truly great, heroic figure who did what he had to do to protect everyone he cared about.

But on the other is Thanos. Most villains, upon seeing their plans come to ruin and their armies laid to waste, would break down, rant, offer some sort of last taunt… but not Thanos. Thanos accepts his death, however much it pains him to. The look of exhaustion, anguish, and utter hopelessness on his face as he sits down in a dark mirror of the ending of Infinity War truly cements him as a great and worthy foe. For all his faults, for all his insanity, Thanos was still a man utterly deluded by his pain and past tragedies into believing his cause was noble and just, and here he sits in his final moments perhaps wondering as his future self did if it was really all worth it. His crumbling to dust as he so cruelly did to so many others I well-deserved and a fitting end for one such as him, but there’s no denying that there is an element of tragedy to it too. It’s the exact sort of emotional ending I would have hoped for from Marvel’s greatest villain.

The finale wraps things up with Tony’s funeral, as well as Cap going back in time to return the Stones and Mjolnir to the moments they were stolen so that the alternate timelines can handle themselves. But Steve decides to create his own alternate timeline before coming home, and lives out an entire lifetime with an alternate Peggy Carter before returning to his own time and passing his shield and title on to Falcon. Many were confused as to if this meant Steve changed the canon of the MCU, but… they explain what happens in the movie. Quite a few times in fact. If you paid attention at all, you would know it is not possible for him to alter the canon. He created an alternate timeline where he presumably lived a full, happy life and ensured things would go well for everyone. No Hydra infiltration of SHIELD, no Winter Soldier, no Stark assassination, none of that. Just a long, happy life with the woman he loved, his best friend, and a well-deserved retirement from the fields of battle in the end. While the conclusion to Cap’s arc is not quite as good as Tony’s, it’s still heartfelt and touching, and it’s hard to say he didn’t deserve a happy life after everything he went through.

And so ends the Infinity Saga, and the first ten years of the MCU. This movie changed a hell of a lot, to the point where even though only two main heroes died over the course of the film, things still will never be the same going forward, and I like that a lot. Unlike every other cinematic universe that has sprung up in the wake of the MCU, I fully feel like any stories told after this one will continue to build off the foundations that this film and its predecessors laid out. There won’t be the need for soft rebooting like with the DCEU, or with actual rebooting like Dark Universe, or just constant messy and confusing timelines like with the X-Men Series. The MCU has managed to remain remarkably consistent throughout, and there’s no reason to doubt they’d continue that into the future. There’s no stinger here, but the moments after the final battle with the Guardians and Thor certainly set up interesting possibilities, as does the now teenaged Cassie Lang, who may well take up the superhero role she has in the comics. It’s hard to predict where the future of the MCU will be going right now, but all things considered it certainly looks bright.

Ultimately, this movie is a love letter. It’s a slow build that starts by examining the characters we know and love at their lowest, builds into a nostalgic and hilarious trip down memory lane, and culminates in the most beautiful sort of fanservice imaginable that then brings a touching conclusion to two of the greatest heroes in all of cinema. Of course, as I’ve mentioned, that first act is going to be what makes or breaks this for some people, and the part does drag a bit, but ultimately this movie is more what it ends up as than what it starts out as. That finale is the single greatest work of art the MCU has produced thus far, and I’m not sure that even with another ten years they’ll ever be able to top it.

The amazing thing is, this movie is pretty accessible even if you aren’t a hardcore fan, though it’s definitely only going to have full emotional impact if you’ve been watching these characters for years. This is a movie for the fans first and foremost, and that’s really not a bad thing; why wouldn’t you make an epic finale to so many arcs that appeals to the people who invested so much time in it? As someone who grew up with the MCU, who has watched it grow and blossom into everything I ever dreamed of seeing as a kid, I only have this to say to all of the directors, writers, actors, stunt people, just everyone who made this and all the other films possible, and to the dearly departed Stan Lee who created so many of these people I’ve spent the past decade watching come to life on screen:

I love you three thousand.

Here’s to another ten years of cinematic superhero excellence.

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Every Movie Has a Lesson by Don Shanahan: MOVIE REVIEW: Jojo Rabbit

(Photo by Kimberly French courtesy of 20th Century Fox and Fox Searchlight Pictures)

Special Presentation of the 55th Chicago International Film Festival

JOJO RABBIT— 5 STARS

There is a little recurring action, a motif if you will, in Taika Waititi’s Jojo Rabbit that surrounds tying someone else’s shoes. Think for a moment on the intentions behind that little gesture for a moment. Damn near like Christ washing his Apostles’ feet on Good Friday, the act of knotting those troublesome laces is like a bow to lower yourself for someone else. The purpose is to provide soft stability and firm strength for those in need at the place where their feet meet the stalwart steps of their fate. Patience is asked and used to cancel out tedium. The shoe itself doesn’t matter. It could be clown shoes or combat boots, and the paused shared moment of guidance and comforting safety between the helper and the wearer would be the same.

Those beautiful and gracious moments, slowed way down in between all the hustling hilarity in Jojo Rabbit, let you know exactly where the heart of this movie truly lies underneath the scathing satire. It is in the benevolence of helping people rather than warring with them. The titular young boy needs every ounce of such affection and the combat boots of Waititi’s movie are the clown shoes. Gusto meets gravitas in one of the most oddly poetic and beautifully brazen movies you may ever see.

A wonky version of Fox Searchlight’s logo anthem leads to a breakneck German-language rendition of The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand” (talk about a tone-setter) as we meet Johannes “Jojo” Betzler (the debuting Roman Griffin Davis), a ten-year-old who feels ready to become a man. The ladder in front of him to achieve that belonging sense of mettle is a weekend-long Hitler Youth camp alongside his bespectacled bestie Yorki (scene-stealer Archie Yates). With a Meatballs-level of lampoon, the booze-soaked Captain Klenzendork (Oscar winner Sam Rockwell) and dryly brutal Fräulein Rahm (Rebel Wilson) instruct these girls and boys in the proper indoctrination necessary to fit in.

LESSON #1: BE THE RABBIT — Between the finer points of killing and grenade safety, the training goal is clear. When Jojo won’t snap the neck of a rabbit, he is teased, branded as a fearful coward, and gets sidelined as a gopher and office helper. The symbolism of a rabbit is brave, witty, sneaky, and strong. All of those desirable qualities are present, yet undeveloped in Johannes.

Based on Christine Leunens’ novel “Caging Skies,” all of Jojo Rabbit is presented through this child’s point of view. Molding Jojo’s impressionable moral clay are two presences, one positive and the other toxic. The most well-meaning is his mother Rosie, played Scarlett Johansson. She is a progressive woman challenging the Nazi status quo and secretly hiding a teenage Jewish girl named Elsa (Thomasin Mackenzie of Leave No Trace) in the attic. Rosie’s advice always brims with encouraging alacrity. Between this and the upcoming Marriage Story, seeing Johansson play a mother is nothing short of an emotional epiphany. This is a side of her that we’ve never seen.

The more damaging voice comes from Jojo’s zealous imaginary friend, the führer himself Adolf Hitler. Played with pure camp by writer-director Taika Waititi, his uncouth false god is a cheerleader of cruelty. No joke is off-limits for his apparition of atrocity. Waititi’s maniacal manifestation is an absolute hoot. For Jojo, Hitler is an idol that is difficult to deny or disbelieve.

LESSON #2: WHEN ACTUALITY HITS — Using the word “reality” in this comical setting is leaping too far. Stick with actuality instead and just look at the objects and actions. Knives hurt people. Grenades explode. Soldiers die. War destroys. Germans are fallible. Jews are regular people too. When the wrongs and horrors of war arrive, the movie shifts. Jojo Rabbit swells and elevates beyond farce with this actuality.

LESSON #3: LEARNING EMPATHY — Rosie motivates love and soothes Jojo’s fears and misguided ambition, but the kinship with Mackenzie’s Elsa is what transforms hearts. Her character is never made the victim and that’s a beautiful, confident condition to maintain. Befriending the trapped refugee grows the boy’s sympathies, sheds misconceptions, and cleanses away the dirty propaganda spewing from the invisible Hitler and his very visible followers of the Third Reich. A kid pushes aside fake devotion to see how every life and its innocence matter.

Every wholesome peak and harrowing valley of Jojo Rabbit is crafted with equal parts panache and tenacity. What begins as crass caricature becomes crystalized constitution. One moment you’re yukking it up to some off-color humor and minutes later you’re wondering if there’s dust in your eye. If this is not the eventual winner for the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay, start a new boycott. The tonal balancing act written by Waititi is astounding and imaginative. The movie’s enriching third act builds one of the best crescendos of recent memory, all ending on a quaint dance that stands in staunch comparison to that opening Beatlemania.

The filmmaking artists around the writer and director follow his tottering pendulum with their own dexterity and excellence. Cinematographer Mihai Mălaimare Jr. (The Master) dabbles with speed and framing akin to a Wes Anderson film only to linger or skew angles and placements just enough to equal all the weird whimsy on display. The same came be said for the soundtrack. Cheeky song inclusions are equaled by composer Michael Giacchino’s orchestral hops between Jojo’s theme of precocious patriotism and a genteel nocturne for Rosie.

LESSON #4: EVERY WAR FILM IS AN ANTI-WAR FILM IN DISGUISE — There is a bigger purpose afoot in Taika Waititi’s movie and it’s this lesson. Yes, there is a premise here which gleefully jokes without boundaries, but the formative goals of pro-peace and anti-hate could not be more clear. To dig deep and evoke optimism out of both present and past anxiety, Waititi borrows this existential bit of poetry written by Pre-Nazi German writer Rainer Maria Rilke to frame his film:

Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

No feeling is final

If that citation doesn’t nail the filmmaker’s desire and respectful sentiment through all the wit and irony, nothing will.

LOGO DESIGNED BY MEENTS ILLUSTRATED (#835)

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[justbenice00]

“Safe Space” Discourse

Upon reading about negative experiences that some people had with “safe spaces”, I’m reconsidering that it’s a “soft” aspect of social justice - one that I wish rabid anti-SJWs weren’t always attacking.

In this post that I recently reblogged, violent-darts makes some very points on the the concept of “safe spaces” can actually be very toxic and alienating - and also demoralizing to those who are emotionally vulnerable. I hope they dond mind me re-posting it here for posterity.

My experience of “safe space” ideology, in general, has been overwhelmingly negative.

Which is not to say I have not experienced spaces in which safety, even safety of a particular group, has been prioritized and facilitated and worked very hard towards. It’s just those spaces do not use the term “safe space”, and don’t fit themselves into that framework.

What “safe space” has always ended up meaning, in my practical experience, is:

- we have decided that X Category are the people we care about

- we have decided what X Category people look like and need. We have also decided they all look like/need the same thing, that their experiences are the same, that they match our (that is, the facilitators’) experiences, and that we all value the same things.

- we know that X Category people are always victimized, and never victimize others; X category people never possess power, but are always disempowered

- in this space it will be assumed that institutional power is the same as interpersonal power: if someone’s institutional category has more power than someone else’s, this is without alteration reflected in their personal and small-scale social spheres

-   there is no method whatsoever to deal with anyone taking advantage of these assumptions; there is no recognized possibility of abusive interpersonal dynamics occurring within the Safe Space, or being perpetuated by people from X Category

- when/if conflict arises, right/wrong will be determined based on who most closely fits the understood Ideal of What Category X People are supposed to look like/think/have experienced. Those who are further from the understood ideal will be understood to be Less Valid/Less “Really” Category X than others, and their concerns will be deprioritized thru ignored thru framed as attacks.

- but we are a Safe Space. If you do not feel Safe, it is because YOU are the one making things dangerous by not adhering to what is understood to be Safe; if you feel unsafe here, it is an automatic sign that you yourself are bad and dangerous, and will be treated as such, unless/until you can prove that you are More Oppressed than others by Accepted Means (hint: this is not likely)

- the feelings of those who socially dominate the group will be interpreted to reflect reality. Ergo if a space facilitator feels attacked, you are attacking them; if they feel hurt, you are morally responsible for their hurt, and must accept that responsibility and be humble and contrite, regardless, unless likewise to above you can prove that you are More Oppressed via the Accepted Scale.

- we believe “safety” is something it is possible to achieve by Sticking Close Enough To Orthodoxy/praxy as determined by whatever theory of oppression/power dynamics/etc we like best.

- we believe that the way to balance out the fact that the harms done to Category X people are cared less about by general society than the dominant group is to stop caring about harms done to individuals from the dominant group.

So at this point the terms “safe space” will literally tell me “you’re about to walk into a minefield and you may be blown up at any moment; do not, for one second, even start to believe you are ever on safe ground.”

The places that have actually striven and more or less succeeded at being safer for various groups I am part of than Society At Large, in contrast, have mostly focused on finding mechanisms and specific behaviours to empower those who are threatened, to facilitate communication, to recognize that sometimes needs are literally irreconcileable and thus provide separate opportunities/spaces depending on need, are very well aware that while institutional and systematic oppression fucks some groups up more than others individual/small-scale interpersonal toxicity and abusive behaviour can come from anywhere and small-scale vs large-scale power dynamics are very different things, and in general have focused more on having people be less shitty to each other in the here and now than on anything else.

And they absolutely 100% have been, as OP notes, quite separate from spaces where the active and explicit purpose is to educate/yell at/make demands/etc.

Now, the same umbrella organization may run both programs. They may have their support wing and their advocacy wing! But.

(eta: oh god I also made the mistake of looking at the notes and I just have to say that every time someone says “yeah well SOME people are LUCKY enough to get to tune out because THEIR oppression doesn’t define their whole LIFE!” I laugh with bitter hysterical acid and work so, so hard not to go look up and find out what torture has been inflicted on a neuroatypical child today. It gets particularly hilarious - for values of black hilarity - if I’ve just gone through a new week of realizing the ways in which my neuroatypicality and mental illness have come within hairsbreadths of killing me.

Now, I wish I had seen an argument about “safe spaces” like this before. As it stands, I don’t seek out arguments against “safe spaces” - as most of them seem to amount to “lol kek triggered, immature overly sensitive babies who need nappies and bottles”. The aforementioned post from violent-darts, though - pretty much argued the exact *opposite* of that.

In summation: The problem with safe spaces is “not” that people who advocate for them are themselves are emotionally vulnerable people - but, rather, that they can do great harm to people who *are* emotionally vulnerable. This basically sums up why I have no more use for anti-SJWs than I do for SJWs.

Being emotional vulnerable is *not* a crime!!

[smashingatsonicspeed]

AUGUST SMASH DIRECT THOUGHTS

Boy! That last Smash Direct certainly added more hype then there already was for Ultimate. Just like with the E3 Direct I’m going to go through the major things covered in the order they were announced

SIMON & RICHTER BELMONT

Simon was technically leaked twice. He was among a seemingly credible leak that mentioned Ridley, Snake, Ice Climbers, and no cuts. And then Simon apparently was accidentally leaked through some goof up by Nintendo. (Though I dodged it since I know it was only one night before the reveal so I still didn’t know for sure if Simon was in until the reveal). But either way this ia amazing, Castlevania is certainly a worthy inclusion in Smash on the likes of all the other NES franchises represented. But what wasn’t leaked was Richter as an echo. Richter was the protagonist of Rondo of Blood. Which wasn’t exactly on a Nintendo console unless you count Dracula X in the 90s. Richter was also in Symphony of the Night which has never been on a Nintendo console. But he’s famous even in the meme-wise cause he’s the one who’s there for when Dracula yells “WHAT IS A MAN?!” in the hammy voice acting that was normal for this era of gaming. He was also an unlockable character on a DS game but otherwise Richter isn’t too Nintendo famous. But he is the most popular Belmont in Japan. They just needed to still feature the most iconic Belmont as the main inclusion still. I’m fine with Richter though. Though when I play as either of them, I’m playing Simon more for sure.

P.S. The trailer was great, not just for the super cool footage of Simon. But it was hilarious seeing Luigi running scared. Luigi getting killed by Death has quickly even become the latest Smash Bros. meme

DRACULA’S CASTLE STAGE & BOSS

The stage itself looks fittingly creepy and will have some pretty amazing music I imagine too. And Dracula being a boss is great as well. I kinda wish they’d have him yell “WHAT IS A MAN?!” when he came in. But I imagine that would be a bit much and ruin the moment. But it’d be hilarious to me.

NEW ECHO FIGHTERS: CHROM AND DARK SAMUS

When Chrom showed up I actually smiled. Now I’m no Fire Emblem fan. And yes it’s another sword user, and a fourth Marth-like character. But given how humiliated Chrom was in Smash 4. Not just in the Robin/Lucina trailer but the memes it caused in the Smash fandom that made a once proud and potential newcomer into a butt monkey on nearly the same level as Ridley with the TOO BIG memes. Even for characters I don’t necessarily want to see I would not want that fate to happen to their fans. It’s just brutal. Though at the very least Chrom seems to borrow a few moves from Ike as well. I even thought at first he was an echo of Ike before I checked later that it was actually for Roy. So I’m pretty happy Chrom actually got to have his chance. I am also certainly using Chrom more then I ever will for Roy.

It’s no doubt though that Dark Samus stole the show for echoes. She’s already my favorite echo so far and she has some slick-looking animations that may make her more worth playing then regular power-suit Samus. Metroid fans can be happy that they’ve doubled up the reps. And both of them are well-deserved additions.

ECHOES CAN EITHER BE STACKED OR SEPARATED ON THE CSS

This also may lessen the disgust that people had with Dark Pit’s inclusion back in Smash 4. Just put the echoes in the corner of the character they’re echoing. I’m certainly going to keep them stacked myself. I think the CSS will also look cleaner that way

ALL CHARACTERS WILL BE REVEALED BEFORE LAUNCH

In other words, Sakurai has had it with those final roster leaks only weeks/days before release. Base Game speculation’s days are numbered until the final Smash Direct before release (Which would be likely in October or November). DLC speculation will immediately start after it. But we’re going to have our explosion of reactions to the final base roster done soon enough. Going to be some tense times until then

RETURNING STAGES

There’s so many returning stages! I’ll just say that Brinstar Depths, Magicant, and Fountain of Dreams are particularly ones I’m excited are back. Yoshi 64, Venom, Fourside, New Pork City, and Windy Hill are also nice to see.

CAPTAIN TOAD ON NEW DONK CITY

Welp, Captain Toad is looking very unlikely now. He could be DLC potentially since he isn’t a major stage hazard nor an Assist Trophy. But with a focus on longtime fan favorites and bringing every veteran back. Captain Toad just fell to the way side. It’s a shame, if the newcomers have been chosen in the same fashion Smash 4’s was. I think Captain Toad would of been a near certainty. This also unfortunately means that the last chance for a playable Toad has left us. Smash can’t include everyone, even with some characters like Ridley finally getting their chance, there are still some characters that would certainly count for Nintendo All-Stars that just couldn’t quite make it. This is probably one of the few disappointments I had with the direct. But I’ve dealt without a playable Toad for 4 games already, I can deal with another.

103 STAGES

Man that’s a lot of stages. Not to mention we won’t have to unlock any, they’ll be there from the start. Though Sakurai mentioning this does have me suspicious that this means there’s no more base game stages to add unless they are really trying to hide any newcomers that may come with stages. But it seems odd to point this out exactly if there were even just a few more stages in reality

STAGE HAZARD SWITCH

If you’re a competitive player or even just dislike stages where you’re fighting the stage more then your opponent then you absolutely should love this option. More viable stages and everything

STAGE MORPH

Now this is cool. And could definitely add to the Chaos of a match especially if you randomize both stages. Imagine you get a nice stage that would be competitively legal but then BAM you get something like Great Cave Offensive or Big Blue as the stage morph stage. Plenty of opportunity for hilarity there. Should be fun.

800+ TRACKS + 20 SONIC SONGS + STILL ONLY 2 FINAL FANTASY SONGS

Man this game’s soundtrack is going to be crazy! I am interested in what they have new for Sonic. There’s apparently only 20. If every Sonic song returned that was in either of the last two games. There’d be room for only 2. But if none of the Brawl ones return that leaves room for 6. And that’s not counting the possibility they cut some songs. Though perhaps another bummer from this is apparently Final Fantasy is still only getting 2 songs. So now we know it wasn’t just DLC budget getting in the way. Square is still being stingy.

STAMINA NOW A STANDARD MODE THAT CAN HAVE STOCKS

I’ve always kind of liked Stamina mode as something to be a change of pace of the regular gameplay. So it having it able to have stocks is quite cool

FINAL SMASH METER

Now this is really cool and may even open the possibility of some tournaments allowing Final Smashes in tourneys. I doubt it will be in really serious tournaments anyway, but could certainly allow for some hype in tourneys that do allow it.

SQUAD STRIKE

It’s a little vague at the moment. But Squad Strike might be the closest to something like the match in Smash Tour with a different character per stock? Though it could also just be a 1v1 match for each character. Also opens up for battles between teams.

OFFLINE TOURNEY RETURNS

You can have offline tournaments again like in Brawl and Melee! I sometimes just did CPU only tournaments with those which was kinda fun to watch. Just overall neat to have that back

SMASHDOWN

A cool option to have people not just use the same main they’re great with and also encourages people to diversify the characters they use.

TRAINING MODE UPGRADES

Training now has essentially a ruler to know your character’s launching power! Very cool and Competitive players will love it since it’s much easier to measure things.

CLASSIC MODE BACK TO MORE STANDARD

This is definitely a return to form for Classic mode. It’s kinda like SSB64’s but it’s a different set for each character that’s predetermined. No matter how many times you go through with one particular character it will be the same. While that may arguably sound like a step backward from the complete randomness of Melee’s classic mode. I actually love this a lot, the team can choose a particular set of opponents that make sense for that character to fight. Or even if it makes absolutely no sense, then it’s up to the fanbase to think of a reason for why they fight. Also what seems to be a thing is each character has a name for their run. Kirby had Gourmet Clash and Roy had A Journey of Swords. Bringing the same kind of intrigue that the Punch-Out Stage titles bring. I am excited to go through with every character like I always do.

NEW POKEMON

Alolan Exeggutor is hilarious, Abra will certainly provide some salt on some people, Mimikyu was a character often seen as possible to be the Gen 7 rep so might of been the first major reconfirmation not counting the Captain Toad one found later. Vulpix is a cute addition to the pokeball lineup. And Ditto is amazing. I almost kinda want the enemy team of this game to now be Ditto fighters.

NEW ASSISTS

Only 2 possibly major reconfirmations in the form of Zero and Shovel Knight. Zero was often seen as a possible 2nd Mega Man rep and Shovel Knight was considered the most likely if an Indie were to ever make it. It’s a miracle Shovel Knight even got this far though. Yacht Club games should be proud. Other then those though, Klaptrap looks annoying to deal with, Kapp’n seems funny just for the characters in the bus’ faces, Chef Kawasaki is the return of Kirby’s old Brawl final smash repurposed, Nikki’s a cute character to include, and the Majora’s Mask Moon is amazing as an assist trophy idea. It doesn’t even discriminate, even KOing the one it summoned. There was also the Rathalos assist trophy that turns out to also be a boss

ASHLEY DECONFIRMED

At the tail end of the Assist Trophy section was the sudden appearance of Ashley and not even with the name tag. Though they made her eyes red again. Ashley was considered one of the possible likely newcomers revealed this direct mainly because last week WarioWare Gold released. So it would be great timing.But it wasn’t to be. Sorry Ashley fans

MAIN MENU AND A MYSTERIOUS SPIRITS MODE

The menu looks more refined then Smash 4’s though I didn’t mind the Smash 4 menu as much as most people did. However most of the buzz is of course around the mode Sakurai had blurred out. Through some deblurring people found the mode will be called “Spirits” but that’s still too vague to know what it’ll be exactly. Based on any hints though from the bosses, it seems it will be some kind of Adventure mode. My guess is something in between Melee’s Adventure Mode and Subspace. Not as extensive as Subspace but more content then Melee’s adventure mode for sure. Perhaps you find the spirits of the characters to unlock them. But anything else is definitely all speculation at this point. It’ll be interesting to find out what this mode will be all about when we get to it.

KING K. ROOL

You know they just had to leave us with one more thing. And it certainly was a big one. K. Rool was only 2nd to Ridley in being one of the most wanted characters in Smash. And was often seen on the top of the list on the ballot. Also gotta say the trailer is amazing to show all those heroes and the villain and then it cutting to Donkey Kong, cause that’s when exactly you know who’s coming. The Dedede fakeout was also hilarious, though I doubt it really fooled anyone. K. Rool was in Smash and Donkey Kong finally gets a much needed increase of representation. Perhaps we’ll see Dixie soon come up as a Diddy echo. But until then K. Rool is what Donkey Kong fans as well as a good majority of Smash fans wanted. And he’s here cementing this Smash as certainly even more fan service focused then previous games.

Overall, an amazing direct. and can’t wait to see what else is in store for this game. We still have more characters and of course the Spirits mode to see. The road to Smash Ultimate is getting smaller each day and we’re surely in for a few more spots of interest along the way. Cannot wait to see what’s revealed next!

[loveyboyslovin]

Jess’ Fic Recs: A Masterpost

i'm told a lot these days by @myriadus

i’m told a lot these days is a beautiful Cow Chop story based on the show Dead Like Me (which is amazing btw so definitely go watch it if you haven’t!). Gina is a Phenomenal writer, and this story was the first fic to ever make me bawl my eyes out with Legitimate Tears. For that reason, it will occupy a special place in my heart until the day I die. If you haven’t read it yet, you are missing out on what became one of the most influential fan fiction reading experiences of my life!

Pyrite (and the coda Diamonds Are Forever) by @cockbite (personalized_radio on AO3)

Pyrite was the first of Hannah’s longer stories that I ever read, and I will never regret it! This Fake Chop fic also includes characters from the other Fake Rooster Teeth crews. The characterisation is excellent and the story draws you in from the very start! Diamonds Are Forever picks up a while after Pyrite’s story and perfectly builds on the beautiful relationship that James and Aleks have with each other, as well as the absolute hilarity of James and Gavin’s ongoing feud. Also, Hannah is a wonderful human being, and I am so lucky that Gina kept telling me how amazing she was until I eventually plucked up the courage to go say hi! Hannah is one of the nicest people I’ve met in this fandom, and she’s always right there when I need someone to bounce ideas off, so please go and show her some love!

i'm taking all i have to take, this taking's gonna shape me by orphan_account on AO3

If you are a fan of Fake Chop, and are comfortable with the concept of male pregnancy, then this fic will destroy your heart with feels!! I stumbled upon it by accident, and being a lover of both Fake Chop and mpreg, read the entire series of two fics in one sitting! This story is heartbreaking and spectacular and life-changing in equal measure, and although dlmau still remains the first time I ever cried from reading a fic, this wins the Uncontrollable Sobbing Award, because I was crying at so many points throughout the story that it’s not even funny. This fic is an emotional rollercoaster, and that is a testament to exactly how Phenomenal a writer she is! (And if you are someone who is unsure of your feelings for mpreg, I honestly believe that this fic is a wonderful first step into that world!)

Bump In The Night by @pacificrey

A really cool Spooky Scary Monster AU where Aleks takes up a job placement with the slightly shady company, Cow Chop. As things unfold, he soon realises that his coworkers might not be exactly who they seem. The pacing of this story is really amazing and I love it, especially the choices for each of the monster species and how well they fit the personalities of the characters they’ve been assigned to.

first impressions (and the searchlights series as a whole) by @myriadus

Ok, so W O W! first impressions is Spectacular, and it’s literally only a prequel of sorts for the larger fic to come. It is set in a combined Fake Chop and Soulmate AU, and the focus of the story is on Aleks and the different times and ways that he met the members of what would one day become the Cow Chop crew. Gina once again blows me away with the way that she can characterise our favourite boys and girls so well that I can hear the words coming from their own mouths. This fic is so worth checking out, and I definitely recommend sticking around for the rest of the searchlights series as it’s being written!

it all seemed so fine until it wasn't. by @gavinsaleks

An Amazing Fake Chop fic where James and Aleks slowly fall for each other, and everything is ripped from them when Aleks is killed, or at least seems to die. When a mysterious visitor shows up a few years later, James has to deal with the fact that the friendship and possible love that he had already mourned, never truly left him after all. This one is incredibly emotional, and I love the way that it’s written.

Chill Out by @cockbite (personalized_radio on AO3)

Anyone who knows me will know that I am a multishipper at heart, and I can enjoy almost every single Cow Chop ship as much as any other. Hannah, bless her heart, wrote This Thing, and I haven’t been the same since. Chill Out is pretty much just PWP, but it’s ModestHundarNovaHD and all four of our boys are just written so Perfectly that I could just die. The sex itself is amazing, but the emotion and writing behind it just elevates this fic to a whole new level, so definitely check it out if you’re into some Prime Smut!

Subway Love by @therearenofriendshipsinuno

A Fake Chop universe where Trevor is a civilian and he happens to meet Aleks on the train to work, completely oblivious to the fact that he’s an infamous criminal called Immortal. This is a really wonderful fic and I adore it, because it’s such a new and exciting change to be reading about Fake Chop from the perspective of an outsider, someone who isn’t part of that world.

Lost & Found (and the alternate POV one-shots Kaleidoscope) by @beneaththetwilightsky

Lost and Found is an incredible Soulmate AU where you have the first thing your soulmate will say to you tattooed on your skin. James grew up with no such tattoo, and thought that it meant he wasn’t ever destined to find a soulmate, but then one day he bumps into a boy, Aleks, who is mute. This story is Insanely cute, and I love to read about the beautiful budding relationship between Aleks and James. Now that Lost & Found has been completed, Kaleidoscope tells the story of their relationship from the viewpoint of other characters in L&F, and it’s so wonderful to constantly see the world she has created be explored and expanded. She, by the way, is one of the sweetest and most wonderful people I’ve ever met, and it has been such a profound honour to become friends with her and to continue to cherish NovaHD and Cow Chop together!

what you had & what you lost by @scrubtopia

A Fake Chop fic set in the 80′s, where James and Aleks struggle to move on after their crew of bank robbers disbands. The ending is simply beautiful, and the way the entire story is written is truly masterful!

Cow Chop Cabin by @brutalitytailor

I read this one ages ago, and I still love it to this day. It’s insanely cute how the Cow Chop boys (minus Brett) go and stay in a nice cabin in the Colorado mountains for a few weeks. The whole thing is beautifully domestic, and I adore the plot about Aleks going through a break up and how James and Aleks work through their budding feelings for each other.

Nova, Baby by @cockbite (personalized_radio on AO3) and @kidenn

Fake Chop, Fake AH Crew, Coffee Shop AU, Dog Park, Enemies to Friends to Lovers. Do I really need to say anything else?? This incredible fic by my darling Hannah and collaborated with Jackie is an experience you’ll never forget! If you haven’t read this yet, you are truly missing out!

ultrajoy by twotwentyfour on AO3

The fact that this is a first fic ever written still completely blows my mind! It is crafted so well and written so evocatively, and the development of James and Aleks’ relationship (starting out as kids innocently playing together and becoming best friends, then growing into young adults planning for college and learning about the realities of the world) is so organic and beautiful to read that I’m getting emotional just thinking about it!

love in the first degree by @poeticatbest (astralnoon on AO3)

What first began as my birthday request of “beachside love confession in the rain” to my dear friend, love in the first degree immediately became a gift I’ll never forget! This fic - set in a Soulmate AU - has its angsty moments but builds to such a gorgeous and happy ending for both James and Aleks! A story about moving on from the pain of the past, of learning to love yourself and to trust others, I can’t recommend it highly enough!

i’m buried in this house (i love yous on every floor) by @honeyeonii

I’ll tell you one thing about my wonderful friend, Mark. He has an unparalleled ability to capture emotion and character in a short story. Though each of his fics are bite-sized, they are just as impactful to me as stories I’ve read that have been tens of thousands of words long! After reading this beautiful love story, do yourself a favour and go read every single one of his Cow Chop stories, because they are all incredible!

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2018 Preshow: #40 & #39

40. BELARUS

I feel like I’m missing something here, because Alekseev is adored both on youtube and tumblr and I don’t understand why? Well, I *kind of* do (he’s SO fucking emo lol <3) but I never went through an emo phase so I can’t exactly relate to him.

What I do know however, is that Forever is kind of lame to me. It’s not a *bad* song in itself, but I prefer my schlager to be happy, trashy and preferably sung by an ageing glamazon (Linda Bengtzing <3). Alekseev fails on all three accounts, although I mildly appreciate his attempts to Hamlet-out the videoclip. Literally cutting his hands with a fountain pen <3

Now, I would forgive this minor mishap if he could sing, but alas:

With that frontal assault on the English language, he clearly cements a position in my personal bottom four. He also beat Shuma and Gunesh who were clearly superior. Worst winning final performance ever </3

Now, there was a bit of controversy around Alekseev’s selection. The argument used was “plagiarism” and “rigging”, but it’s Belarus, vote fraud is standard fare and I doubt it really bothered people that much. No, I think it has more to do with Alekseev being UKRANIAN *gasp*. The controversy became so great the Belarusian president had to personally endorse Alekseev on twitter to ensure the protests died down <3

Finally, this notion of Alekseev being “cute”: I don’t quite see it. Notice how he almost SWALLOWS the mic in the banner above. Massive gaping mouths terrify the hell out of me. It’s just #NotForMe, I suppose :(

Qualification Odds: Low

Let’s not beat around the bush here: Belarus absolutely may NOT qualify for the finale. They’re in the first semifinal and they cannot take up a slot under any circumstance which should go to any of my random faves. (although it would be hilar if they kicked Armenia or Azerbaijan out of the finale. Screwing over your own allies <3)

I don’t think they’re quite dead though. “Forever” is a throwback to late naughts Eurovision (albeit a generic one). Belarus also has two allies in Azerbaijan and Armenia. If the balkan countries are feeling generous, Belarus could pull of a very narrow qualification in 10th or 9th place. More seems unlikely.

Jury or Televote entry? Televote. Juries HATE Belarus. If they qualify (they won’t), it won’t be off the back of jury votes.

Projected placement: 11th-13th place in the semifinal. 

39. IRELAND

Oh look, another bathroom break song from Ireland. How cute :)

Is nobody going to address the issue of a “cute gay couple dancing through the streets of Dublin” being juxtaposed to a break-up song? I know the videoclip has the insidious intention of profiling Ireland as a Gay-Friendly Haven to draw in the Eurofan vote, but in reality:

Um... thanks? o_O

What is there even to say about Ireland what hasn’t been said already? Every year they promise us to improve and every year they pick a bland, boring entry in a Cheap&Nasty (--Johnny Logan) selection. There’s no point in wasting any words here. They will never, ever learn. 

To be honest, I expected WORSE from Ryan O’Shaughnessy, who claimed  to directly drawn inspiration from Salvador’s self-serving “MUSIC IS EMOTION” speech. Thank goodness this is Ireland though, who have no clue how to do Eurovision or this would’ve ended badly. :)

“Together” is still Blandhead Revisisted though.

Qualification Odds: Dead.

And certainly NOT “Maybe he’ll advance” like the people (morons) at ESCNation claim (context: two out of FIVE of their “journalists” think Belgium will NQ because “more than five qualifications from the first half never happened before”. They rate Ireland at the SAME level because “well it’s Ireland, ANYTHING can happen”. Like, dude... nothing will happen, it’s fucking Ireland. :eyeroll)

... anyway.

Ireland are dead for several reasons: 

1) “Forever” is one of the most forgettable songs in its semifinal. 2) Who would vote for it other than the UK? Lithuania provides a superior, more genuine love ballad (and has a more stable vote base). Sure, Ireland are in the second half... but they’re getting slot #10 and you know it.  3) It’s in the first semifinal: CzechRep, Belgium, Bulgaria, Israel, Estonia, Finland and Austria are all locks. Greece and Armenia will qualify based on diasporia’s. The final slot could technically go to anyone, but in reality only four nations have a chance: Belarus, Azerbaijan, Lithuania and Cyprus. Ireland isn’t going to beat one, let alone ALL FOUR of them, are you kidding me.

Televote or Jury: Jury. “Together” will be in bottom 3 with the televoters. It could -theoretrically- become a Martina Barta and randomly get a crapton of Jury points, but I personally doubt this would happen. Why would Juries vote for Ireland when Belgium, Bulgaria and Czech Rep (and to a lesser extend: Israel and Finland) exist? Then again, why did juries vote for Martina in the first place? Mysteries of the universe, y’all.

Projected placement: 17th in the semifinal (above Iceland and whoever finishes in last place)

Ranking so far: