#absolute screaming bad ass trans woman

[fuctacles]

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for @steddieholidaydrabbles Spring pop-up | T | 1k | no cw | t4t w transfem Stevie and transmasc Eddie, pre relationship, mutual pining | read on Ao3 | part 2

Eddie hates spring. 

It’s getting warmer and swarms of people are going outside to piss on his good mood. Kids are screaming, parents are showing publicly how terrible they are, the sun is glaring into his eyes, and birds are chirping. Literal hell. His last slivers of peace are the nights and early mornings when everyone is still sleeping.

Except her.

She’s new here, moved in around Thanksgiving last year, and has been running daily ever since. Eddie had noticed her passing his house now and then, her chestnut ponytail swinging with the movement. 

Every morning, in a very un-Munson fashion, he sits on his porch, the cold planks digging into his ass, with a thick sweater, and a coffee warming his body. All so that he can nod at one of the many joggers blemishing the neighborhood.

He always liked drinking his morning coffee in the crisp, chilly air, still foggy and void of people, still in their beds or getting ready for work. She is a great motivator to do it every morning, to wake up to his alarm and start his day early. 

She’s like clockwork, always on time and never out of breath. Barely missed a step the first time he nodded at her in a casual “good morning, neighbor” greeting, and now every time she passes his house she looks to the side, catches his eye, and smiles, raising her hand in a small wave. 

Eddie’s heart swells in his chest and he’s on the verge of weeping into his coffee every time.

It’s all the interaction they’ve had so far, and he’s not even sure what the woman’s last name is, though the rumors he’s heard say it’s Harrington. He likes to imagine she chose this route to see him just like he chooses to wake up early every morning to drink his coffee on the porch, even though no jogging type would go for a metalhead freak like him. He might just be conveniently on the way to her favorite bakery or something. 

He hates spring a little less when it’s warm enough for local joggers to dress down. It gets him swooning over some ankle like an ancient bachelor. A couple of days later the temperatures rise to sports bra levels which he learns the hard way while choking on his coffee.

It’s tight, obviously, but no amount of support can prevent the obvious bounce accompanying the movement of running. He tries his best not to be a creep and greets her with the same smile.

He thinks he’s prepared for the sports bra the next day, but he’s heavily mistaken when the transgender flag rounds the corner. He gets the coffee on his t-shirt this time as he recognizes the top she’s wearing from the same site he used to get binders from. 

She's a little hesitant with her greeting this time, and Eddie can’t stand it. So he opens his stupid mouth and yells:

“Me too!”

She looks at him quizically so he adds, albeit a tad more timid:

“I’m trans.”

And to his absolute horror, she starts walking up to him. 

He’s thinking the worst things: maybe the colors are just a coincidence, maybe she got it because she liked it and has no idea what it means, or maybe he’s about to get shunned by the local community that he already doesn’t feel welcome in.

But then there’s a megawatt smile directed at him and every bad thought evaporates from his brain.

“Really?” she asks, and he can only dumbly nod. 

“Thank god! I worried it would be like, a problem.”

Her hand is out and she’s right in front of him.

“I’m Stephanie,” she says. Her hand is warm against the morning chill. Enveloping and strong.

“Eddie.”

She smiles, warm and teasing, wreaking havoc across Eddie’s internal organs. 

“Is there a chance I’d get a glass of water?”

Eddie straightens up immediately.

“Yes! Of course! Come in, come in!” He opens the door and motions her inside, hoping the filtering jug is full. 

It is, so he pours a glass for the gorgeous creature in his kitchen.

“Thank you,” she says politely and it’s so simple, but Eddie’s melting inside as he watches her swallow the water and lick her bottom lip.

“Hey, listen…”

“Mhm?” he makes a questioning sound, eyes drawn to the way she crosses her arms, making the muscles flex and frame her cleavage.

“Would it be weird if I asked to borrow a sweater? I heavily overestimated the weather today.”

Eddie was nodding before she was even finished, head bopping so hard he was getting dizzy. 

“No! Just give me a moment!” he said before running up the stairs to his bedroom to grab the first clean hoodie he could find. “Here.”

“Thank you.” She smiles and he has the pleasure of watching her put on his clothing. “It’s stupid, but I’ve been dressing up, or dressing down rather, to…” She bites her lip as she zips up the hoodie. There’s a flaking-away Metallica logo across the chest. “There’s this metalhead on my route I wanted to impress, I guess.”

Eddie swallows down the lump in his throat.

“I’m pretty sure you’d impress him in a skiing suit.”

She chuckles. 

“You think so? Maybe I should just suck it up and ask him out then,” she wonders out loud, turning to leave, and Eddie’s stomach sinks. But then she’s turning back and laughing again.

“Eddie! Do you want to go out with me?”

The relief he feels melts his bones. 

“Of course I do! Why do you think I’ve been freezing my ass on the porch every morning?” He goes for the snark because he doesn’t know how to deal with having this beautiful woman’s full attention.

“Breakfast tomorrow? The usual time?” she asks. Because of course, she’d take him on an early morning date.

“Should I buy a tracksuit?” he jokes, but to his horror, her eyes sparkle.

“That would be perfect.”

Stevie event interest check

[punkeropercyjackson]

Unpopular Percy Jackson opinions/takes

He IS afrolatino-coded but very much specifically monoracial and darkskin with super strong features.He looks exactly like Poseidon so lightskin biracial Percy dosen't make sense and is a copout and realistically a whitepassing/lighter black person wouldn't get treated as bad he does in the mortal world with the privilege we have from our mixed heritage

He's objectively the most autistic character in the entire franchise in characterization,storylines,dynamics and even character concept-Yes,obviously the protagonist of the neurodivergent abuse victims book series is autistic,y'all wildin' for that allistic Percy shit.He SCREAMS audhd,y'all just hate non-stereotypical autistics and like pretending he isn't one of us so you can make it look like he was victimizing your faves(Jason/Nico shippers:Please go outside)

She's transfem and there's as much evidence for that as the above two and the only reason it dosen't get aknowledged is Pjo fans hate women so they don't want Percy to be one.Won't even let her be a male femme either even though she's canonically feminine presenting with a hate for masculinity both on herself and others and that's very typical tbh.I see her as either a binary trans woman or bigender for projection as a multigender transmasc myself

Percabeth is absolute ass and Annabeth was the worst possible choice for a love interest for him.She's abusive to him by definition i.e nonstop insulting him even after he protests against it multiple times and says he dosen't like it and she's admitted it's on purpose and hitting him often and you can't call 'demigods so it's fine' because she explicitly would never let him hit back and his feelings on her are so mixed i just want him to be free of Situationshiper Girl.The way she literally forced herself into his life by being creepy as shit in TLT and a significant amount of other moments later on too like the SOM stalking dosen't help and neither does her entitlement fueled harrasment of Rachel when Percy never asked Annabeth out and good on him,she can't even flirt and then acts like he's the dumb one for not picking up on her Gone Girl attempt at rizz

Perachel was the closest thing Percy had to a well-written romance and the reason it's hated is that it's an autistic4autistic best friends to lovers dynamic so the immediate reaction is hostility and the removal of Percy's attraction to Rachel he stated was fueld by her being Annabeth's opposite to twist it into the reverse by allistics who're hurt by the truth Percy would rather date an actual autistic girl than the Athena nepotism baby and fight on the fight or flight response to the posibility that maybe friends bullying eachother isn't a universal experience but an allistic one

Luke and him aren't two sides of the coin they're not even the same currency.Luke is in fact Percy's opposite and foil but in the sense he's a very sheltered cishet white man who's a fascist,a serial child groomer and a racist misogynistic pedophile that went on one bad quest and pussy'd out because a taste of the real world was too much for his spoiled self and Percy grew up in the real world,knowing every harsh reality of demigodhood head-on and came out an authentic radicalist thanks to the addition of his blackness,autism and transgenderism/gendernoncormity.Also Percy never had a crush on him and if you think he did,follow your white pedoincest loving bretheren Jason/Nico shippers and remember you were never offered bisexual Percy and that transfem Percy subtext solos it by a landslide

Her,Nico and Hazel are platonic soulmates by choice in every universe and the Dead Sea Siblings are the best relathionship in the Percyverse.She was misderected attraction on Nico's side as he got over her romantically after realizing she's not the ideal man he thought she was and Hazel is as much her world as she is Nico's and Percy is basically their pseudo-parent textually and raised them more and better than Hades and Pluto did and deserves way more credit for it.The Nico and Percy Tlo-Hoo jump retcon was one of the worst writing decisions Rick ever made and Hazel should've been positioned as equally important in their trio intentionally instead of accidentally and her and Percy are tied for the strongest demigod fullstop(like Dad,like Daughter)

He's not grunge or a skater boy,he's beyond afrosolarpunk vibes and it fits him perfectly as the son of Poseidon and a queen who raised him in the ways of the sea because she's loved it her whole life and not for his dad,he's naturally deeply caring about enviormentalism and drawn to nature based aesthetics and lifestyles.Grunge skater boy Percy is highkey gross because it always strips him of his canon completely subulturally accurate punkness and i do headcanon he skateboards but he's not punk because of it lmao,he's punk because he's a dark strong afro-dominicano New Yorker who's an anarchist,an activist,a professional instigator,anti-capitalist,an intersectionalist,has a VERY,VERY strong sense of community and solidarity and is implied to listen to punk music

He's not a nonthreatning lovable screw up who's can't actually be intimidating or take care of himself,he's a hardcore jaded asshole with emotional regulation and self-eestem issues but also a tender and loving Team Parent who's goofiness and kiddy interests are no masking game audhd swag.That's canon but Annabeth can never shut the fuck up instead of backing her white ass up

Also canon Percy is wayyyyy more hot in a Guy Way™️ if that makes sense than Seaweed Brain uwu.My type is cocky ahh yet sweetheart punk black men,what can i say

And the kiddy interests thing is not him being a manchild but a special interest in kidcore and his other ones are blue,video games,cats,the sea,energy drinks,anarchy,child care and the Superfam.He complimented Jason by saying he looks like Superman because he's a Clark Kent stan and wished he was real as a kid so he could've adopted him

His type isn't blondes,it's princess-y black women.'Names have power'and he was named after the man who was happily married to the princess of Ethopia,he described Annabeth's hair as 'curled like a princess' and Leah is the only Annabeth who has something close to chemistry with Percy(still dosen't though,hence 'something close')and Rachel is popularly headcanoned as nigerian yoruba and fits the princesscore personality requirements.Percy's girlfriend/wife should be the Andrómeda to his Perseo

^Relatedly,afrolatino Percy wouldn't be named Perseus because it's too weirdly pronounced in spanish.Perseo Isadore Jackson is Percy's fullname

Calling him stupid or oblivious or insulting his intellegence or emotional capability in any way is ableist.Are you autistic?No?Great,then your opinion on this topic not just when it comes to Percy but when it comes to neurodivergence and how intellect is treated in regards to it is less than worthless.Be quiet normie

He's Mcr-coded and would introduce Nico to it,not the reverse.Also he's literally Mike Milligram

And not Taylor Swift-coded at all.I'm not sorry but he hates her ass so bad like fundamentally he would

He shouldn't repair his relathionship with Poseidon but cut him out of life completely.Poseidon too premordial to be actin' like that over his image to the point of neglecting his own damn child he doomed to lifetimes worth of trauma,all over a crush on a 19 year old when he's mentally in his fucking 40s

He SHOULD revolutionize the greco-roman mythos world but actually,not fuck gods and become a sellout.Kickstarter is him killing Zeus in a fit of rage and that sparks something in their realm that leads to him fixing the system with the help of the lower class beings like him,with Nico and Hazel at his side

He dosen't care for dolphins-He stans sharks

He's not like D.anny Fenton,Peter Parker or Stiles Stilinski.He IS like Virgil Hawkins,Hobie Brown and Scott Mccall

Those Harry Potter comparisons weren't just innacurate,they were entierly baseless.Hp's not even offbrand british Pjo,it's just a bad book series with nothing in common with it all even without Harry vs Percy(Percy would use Harry to get his blue laces btw)

Leo,Piper and Drew have far more interesting potential dynamics with him than any white boy character does and he'd like them better on the basis of not being white boys too

Beckendorf isn't comparable to what Luke was to Percy and that's an insult to Luke.Comparing a black dude to the white supremacist who got him killed is just racist and only caring about that black dude to use him as a background prop for a trauma misandrist young adult transfem's nonexistent boyobsession is VIOLENTLY racist(yes,even as a replacement,please actually care about Beckendorf)

Her Titan's Curse quest was an accidental egg metaphor,not the Hunters of Artemis being 'r.adfem-y',especially since it's canon they're transfem inclusive

Her Disney Princess kinnie and favorite ocean kids media is Brandy's Cinderella and Spongebob Squarepants,not Ariel and Nemo

[shana-reviews-tmblr]

Let me give folks some context here incase they read Ant's part and wondered why Lily liking Seth Macfarlane is a bad thing.

Lily's favorite ep of Family guy is the episode where Ida, Quagmire(the rapists) father comes out as trans.

according to Lily she loves that Ida is not portrayed as a sterotype and that her character is overall wonderful

to this i agree, Ida never acts like an insult to who a Transperson is nor does she act like a stereotype. (compare this to another transperson from S1 but i digress)

so what's the problem?

Lily neglects to ever really talk about how EVERYONE ELSE acts in the episode and how the humor treats Ida like a punching bag

Examples:

-Brian discovers he slept with a trans person after feeling proud and happy that he met a woman he saw as wonderful and intelligent who he felt he had a connection with. what does he do? he barfs for a full minute nonstop after screaming his lungs out in horror.

-Peter and Lois can't get it through their heads that Being Trans =/= Being Gay because they think that being a Trans person means you're actually a gay person who just wants to sleep with men.

-when Ida comes out to Glenn during the early half of the episode, the moment is treated as the worst revelation for Quagmire because his response?

"oh come on just say you're gay"

like seriously? being Gay is better than being trans? is that the joke? is that what you want folks to take away from this?

oh and let's not forget the shots taken at Gay people where after hearing all of Ida's shipmates make puns that "hint" Ida might be gay, Quagmire starts panicking.

and book ending this with Brian, after he finishes barfing, he takes a shower because apparently making out with a trans person made him feel "unclean" and he is visibly horrifying at having to think about how he made out with a trans person and when Quagmire learns Brian slept with Ida he went to beat his ass and how does it end?

Brian takes a shot at him by saying "I f***ked your dad"

after Brian showed so much disgust earlier at the thought of how he slept with a Trans Woman, he misgenders Ida on top of pulling a 180 and using him sleeping with Ida as a way to take a shot at Quagmire

Why? because now HE can benefit from that moment for one act of pettiness, using Ida as a means to take a shot at her son, who i remind you all at this point had long since came out with why he hates Brian and gave him the longest "reason you suck" speech.

Quagmire is no better than Brian, but for Brian to pull this shit just to get 1 shot at Glenn is beyond disgusting.

so yeah for this to be Lily's favorite episode says a LOT about her.

oh and just to add this to this, her other favorite episode on her top list is the episode where Meg, an abuse victim, called out her entire family for what they've done to her and how horrible they were and at the end was forced to set things back to how they were and resume her role as an abuse victim taking the blame and being seen by her family as a liar who made up stories about them to vent out and in Brians words "was a noble thing to do"

All I can say is that Lily more than likely will defend her takes saying she liked the moments Meg took a stand and that she liked Ida

but that does not make the episodes good nor does it mean they should be seen as something to enjoy.

for Meg's ep it's absolute garbage and because her taking a stand against her abusers is rendered pointless and having to "get bck in line" is treated as a good thing.

For Ida, at most her episode is a cynical view of trans people struggling because you could be wonderful like Ida, but the world will never accept you and you're there to benefit others when they see fit and at worst it's a thinly disguised story that thinks it's poking fun at trans people in a fun way when it's really showcasing how bad they have it and making it seem like it's not a big deal.

just, wow Lily way to show how much you care of LGBTQ rep and how they can be treated as well as how funny it is that an abuse victim can stand up for themselves but then has to get back in line and be the lightning rod.

Oh come on! So Avatar is just Dances With Wolves meets A Princess Of Mars with the prose of Robert Heinlein, that doesn't make it "hot garbage". After all, there's no such as an "original story". If you wanted an original story, you would need to go back in time to stop the Epic Of Gilgamesh being put to tablet or The Iliad being written to scroll. Regardless, Avatar is still a good, enjoyable movie.

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Lily Orchard, let me say this thing, this teeny, tiny, little thing, from the very bottom of my heart:

GO TO HELL.

[science-jumps]

Now that TAZ Graduation is over, I wish the Reddit armchair psychologists who assign a nonexistent moral component to the media they consume a very much go outside.

To them, a podcast can't just be mediocre, it has to be "problematic". Travis is abusing his brothers and colleagues by being a "bad" DM!! The grown ass men who have worked together for over 10 years are clearly having a bad time on a product they co-create, and not because you maniacs are harassing them constantly and insisting that purple hair man is mean to you, you specifically.

No, it must be because the guy once mentioned dealing with NPD, and as you ghouls "know", that means he's a bad person because that's what the movies say, right? Fucking buffoons and your excuses. "Oh it's hard to find LGBT positive media" TRY HARDER. I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE AN ISSUE. "It's not fun radio" OKAY, DON'T LISTEN. "He's not taking criticism" OKAY, DON'T LISTEN.

Fuckin' a. Catch me going up to a content creator and barraging them with messages screaming about how their style of writing doesn't cater to me specifically, because I've formed a parasocial dependency and one-sided entitlement to their products.

The worst thing is that these keyboard warriors will absolutely descend like locusts on people who aren't straight white men with ten times the vitriol, especially if you're a trans woman, because they're salivating at the chance to engage in power trips and witch hunts against people who can't fight back because every counterargument has already been used in bad faith. Nothing is gained.

Fuck all of you and I hope you don't come back for next season

[dorkylittleweirdo]

crazy shit that happened during high school

freshman year:

my favorite teacher (pe coach) ended up being a pedophile. it’s kinda scary to think about bc like,, that was my favorite teacher and i trusted him and if he tried anything with me i don’t think i would’ve stopped him and just yikes. but yeah, it was a whole thing. once the school found out they got the police involved and he fled the state. they got him in the end but i mean,, i spent a lot of time in the secretary’s office crying about it bc i really trusted that dude and i was distraught over it. that might’ve been where my trust issues started??? fun stuff

my school shut down. like i mean,, bc it was a charter school and we had to get the charter renewed. but the board at my school wasn’t using their money the way they were supposed to. it was a whole thing, like the principal left that school year bc he knew what was happening, couldn’t stop them from doing it, and didn’t want to be part of it. so they had a lot of meetings that us kids were allowed to go to so we could see what was happening and all that. i only went to one and it was A Time bc the lady who was recording everything passed tf out and of course nobody was a doctor and my pipsqueak thirteen year old ass went “i know what to do” bc i Did so i had to help her which was a trip in and of itself. but anyways, the school’s charter got denied, and everyone had to transfer, but the district promised that we could go to any school we wanted, not just the one we would have to go to by zip code

sophomore year:

i ended up going to a private christian school. big fucking mistake. absolute disaster. nothing really happened that was crazy by their standards, but it was for me

so they have a house system. think of harry potter, it’s EXACTLY like that. we have points, we have competitions, we have all that extra stuff. it was such a time, like i don’t,, i don’t even know how to explain how fucking weird that shit was

i came out in the middle of class. the principal’s daughter was our sub and she goes “okay so everyone is gonna tell us something that nobody knows about them” so when it was my turn i go “so it’s not a secret and y’all should know this but clearly y’all don’t: i’m not straight”. silence. dead silence. we could hear the class next to us it was so quiet. some girl whispers “i knew it”. another girl leans over and whispers to my friend “i’m so sorry”. principal’s daughter gives me the most threatening, condescending smile i’ve ever seen and goes “thanks for sharing”. i had to come out to my mom that same day bc i told me friends and they panicked on my behalf bc when people found out that they were gay, the principal told their parents. and i was Not about to be outed by the principal. my mom has since told me that the principal never contacted her about it so i came out for nothing but i mean i really like being out so we’re good

so instead of prom, cult school has this thing called “the ball”. sophomores, juniors, and seniors are allowed to go bc there’s less than fifty people per grade so if sophomores don’t come, there’s not enough people. so i went bc my friends were all going and i was like “yeah why not might as well”. three dance lessons. three fucking dance lessons for this stupid ball that i didn’t dance once at. i literally had three panic attacks in the span of an hour at the second one, and then i had swim practice right after. fucking exhausted. felt like i ran five marathons by the time i got home. the last lesson i didn’t do any dancing, just vibed with my friend in the corner. so at the actual ball, same friend and i vibed at the tables the whole time. we went to the bathroom for like an hour and took mirror selfies and tried to make our asses look bigger bc we’re Like That

SO AFTER THE BALL, there was apparently a massive party and there was alcohol and stuff. so my friends and i were blissfully unaware bc nobody liked us bc who tf likes the school sinners. so we walked to get ice cream after in our fucking ballgowns and suits looking like All That. so the principal thought that it was one of us who hosted the party and we were like “??? what party?”. literally almost got in trouble bc the principal thought we were LYING. i told my mom and she takes No Shit, so when the principal called her demanding to know if i went to/hosted the party, she marched her ass down to the school and was like “i know y’all have something against mexicans and people who are different from y’all, but that’s no reason to blame my daughter for something that your so called “perfect” students did”. my mom got Heated, roasted the fuck out of the principal, then LEFT. principal never fucked with my mom after that

so there was a fire like across the street from the school. the fd told us to evacuate, but noooooo the school was like “god will protect us” i’m like “okay but i’m gay and apparently your god hates that so i think we’re gonna Perish”. the fucking POWER went out and they STILL wouldn’t let us go. my mom called to sign me out so i could go wherever the fuck i wanted in the school until my friend’s dad came to pick us up bc she couldn’t get there bc of the fire. so i vibed next door to my friends’ class and i was like “heeeeey god’s trying to kill the gays” and we laughed about that until my gay ass got saved lmaoooo

okay so this is the funniest memory i have. in chemistry once, our teacher took us outside and started digging a lil hole next to the school. and keep in mind, my chem teacher used to be a hardcore atheist druggie, like fucking meth and coke and shit. took a theology course and converted. so he’s really sweet and nice but he’s also Slightly mad scientist vibes. so anyways, he puts something in this little hole, lights it on fire. i forgot why he did it, but i was standing back with him and one of the exchange students and the three of us watch in Horror as the rest of the class makes a circle around the fire and start doing some weird dance and saying something. it wasn’t like a chant, idk what to call it, but they were like counting like “and one, and two, and three, and four” and then the dance would get more intense and they’d get louder. so eventually they were screaming and going apeshit and i looked at my teacher and he’s just,, watching them do this. i’m like “and i’m satan, huh?”. like these kids really trying to summon the devil but i’m the bad one bc i like girls

junior year:

so technically this was during the summer but i’m putting it here. they have like a house party after the school year ends. i made cookies. apparently they “looked weird” so nobody ate them, two of my soon to be teachers kept insulting them. i called my mom to pick me up, took my cookies with me, got back in the car in tears. had to have a whole conversation with the principal and those two teachers so they could apologize bc i wanted to leave the school after that. dw tho, i took my cookies to the guards at my summer camp and they appreciated the hell out of them bc they were Very Good Cookies

so my ap bio teacher was an enabler. i was his favorite bc i wasn’t a religious nut and it was very obvious that i believed in science and not whatever the hell this cult was doing with their creationist bs. also he was a parasitologist and i’m super into parasitology so he had fun talking about it to someone who both understood and was extremely interested in the topic. i rolled up to class one day like “hey so i’m gonna buy hissing cockroaches from amazon, if my parents find out and don’t let me keep them do you want them??” and he’s like “yeah”. i brought them to class a few times and everyone Hated it but my teacher was like ayyyyy. and everyone thought he was either and atheist or agnostic, so when some girl asked how he thought mary conceived jesus to see what he said, he looked at me like “y’all hear somethin/hel p” and i go “parthenogenesis” and he Went With It, talking about how it was theoretically possible in humans but we ignored the fact that the baby would’ve been a girl bc the class is dumb none of them have ever heard of parthenogenesis before jesus is the true trans icon we all need

my art teacher was my favorite and she knows that i’m gay. she’s the only teacher from my school that i’m still in contact with. so every big project we did, i made it gay. and i knew, and my friends knew, and she knew, but the rest of the class had no idea. i’m like presenting my project and the class would get sus and they’re like “so are those two really good friends” and i’m like “so she has a rainbow heart on her choker and she has a lesbian symbol on her shirt”. the class was still confused and my friend yells “they’re LESBIANS”. it was iconic

my brit lit teacher was bi. she never said it, but i know she was. always talked about how much she hated men, then was like “women are very very good”. no way this woman was straight. so we read dracula and it’s got that Subtext, so one time i leaned over to my friend bc he sat next to me and i go “the Homoerotic Subtext”. and i didn’t realize that the teacher was right in front of me until she tapped my desk and goes “it gets better”, told me a page number that i flipped to, and it was Even More Gay and i was like 😏. also she assigned me a gay poet for my poetry project and i talked about that for my whole presentation in front of the class and it was the biggest paragraph in my essay and i got 100% on it even tho i choked at the beginning. also i mentioned in passing that i liked sappho and she goes “ooh i love sappho” i’m like “ma’am please leave this cult and get you a gf”

senior year:

i left the cult finally. went to the one school i actually liked. i made friends who actually like me and they were patient and they were amazing and i love them all very much even if i’ll never tell them. my classmates were great, v friendly, i had a great time. however,

so many fires. school got cancelled like five times bc of how bad the fires were

the school shooting. i don’t think i need to go further into that, it’s pretty self explanatory

covid. again, don’t need to go further into that, v self explanatory

[blitz-and-hearth]

Some empty cups family trans headcanons because I’m feeling dysphoric after being called she all Thanksgiving and need that good shit right now (tw for talking about periods, dysphoria, and transphobia) And when I say empty cups, I mean all the empty cups so long post beware 

Blitzen figured it out at a very young age, his father Bili had some nonbinary leanings (but didn’t know it was a thing when he was young) so he encouraged little Blitz to experiment with gender expression to his heart’s content  

He was probably about 7 or 8 when he decided to start going by male pronouns 

Blitzen is his birth name, dwarven names are usually pretty gender-neutral. He didn’t feel like he needed to change it 

Thanks to both male and female dwarves growing beards he’s pretty comfortable in his own skin even after puberty. He does end up getting top surgery the very minute he can though. Has no plans for bottom surgery 

BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND LAYERS ALL THE TIME 

It's just a transmasc thing

And you know he’s always wearing suits and ties not just because they’re fashionable but make him very euphoric

Dwarven culture isn’t much better than humans when it comes to accepting trans folk, however, they do consider cosmetic surgery a craft, so their own rules mean they have to respect any and all transitioning surgeries  

Mostly Blitzen just doesn’t talk about it much unless someone else brings it up. His father never made a big deal out of it so neither does he

Mostly situational dysphoria, when he’s around his mother or other people who knew him before he transition, other dwarves who can better tell the different subtleties of cis dwarf gender, and of course on the dreaded shark week 

Humans and Midgard are both awesome because they see the beard and can’t tell the difference between “male” vs “female” facial hair like other dwarves do. Very easy to pass there 

Hearthstone obviously was not in a safe place to explore his gender growing up

On top of all the other shit he had going on during his childhood he was constantly feeling wrong and uncomfortable in his own body 

Lots of dissociation and frustration

Alderman wouldn’t let him cut his hair, forced him to wear dresses, and constantly said shit like “bE mOrE lAdYlIkE”  

Hearthstone finally figures it out after accidentally stumbling across some websites while trying to research magic. It's just a post on a blog about some spell for good luck to help with transitioning but it’s how he learns being trans is like a real thing 

It was both great to know there were other people like him but also like the worst possible news because he knows he could never ever come out and transition while living under his parent’s roof 

He was only about 13 and lots of tears were had that night

The very next day he has his first period and just can not anymore 

Full snap, cuts his hair short for the very first time, binds his chest grabs what little he owns and gets the hell out of there that day 

Meets Blitzen like right after so needless to say he didn’t get much time to explore. He wasn’t about to come out to someone he just met, that shits scary what would he do if Blitzen didn’t accept him? He wouldn’t be strong enough to try world jumping for weeks and wouldn’t survive in Nidavellir without the sunbed 

Blitzen had his suspicions but obviously understood why he’d be nervous about coming out, so he just kept his mouth shut about it until Hearthstone felt like talking about it 

I’ve made a post about this before, but it happens on accident while Hearth is changing because a) he wasn’t allowed to lock doors growing up b) wouldn’t notice if you knocked to see if he’s in there anyway 

What’s not reflected in the comic is Blitzen silently screaming because Hearth has been using ace bandages to bind does he know how dangerous that is???? But he didn’t say anything about it right then because this was a sensitive situation and he wanted to make sure Hearthstone knew he was in the same boat and nothing would change before starting to scold him  

Hearthstone cried a lot

It's a big moment that builds their friendship and later romantic relationship and after that Hearthstone starts being a lot more honest about his past with Blitzen

Hearthstone isn’t his birth name, his dead name is probably something to do with flowers, super feminine and he hated it. He doesn’t have a real reason for choosing Hearthstone since it was a bit spur of the moment when Blitzen asked his name. Blitz later asked if he’s sure that's what he wants to go with and Hearthstone decides to stick with it 

Part of the deal with Mimir was his parents forgetting that he was born female. It really was no question at all which choice he’d take 

(Inge remembers but respects his pronouns because she’s a fucking decent person) 

It’s the only reason Alderman didn’t constantly misgender and deadname him. Being in his old home and seeing his father still reminds him of how it used to be though 

Hearth has more bad dysphoria days than good. Blitzen is always right there to tell him he looks handsome and very masculine today. Blitz doesn’t have as many bad dysphoria days but you bet your ass when he does Hearthstone will absolutely provide a constant flow of compliments until he starts to feel better   

Hearthstone used runes to transition because if you’re trans you’ve totally daydreamed about how awesome and less scary it would be if magic was real. He offered Blitzen to do the same but Blitz had already had top surgery and doesn't really want bottom surgery so he turns it down 

Magnus was also encouraged to try exploring his gender from a young age by his mother 

I mean.... Just take a moment look at Magnus’ mom for a sec 

Yeah that woman ain’t straight Magnus had a good childhood while she was around 

I still think it took him a while though

Just because he didn’t really think about it much until puberty happened 

He was just starting to think about his gender when his mother died 

Later looking back it makes him really sad that he never got to tell her

Then he was homeless and a bit busy 

He learned Blitzen and Hearth are both trans pretty quick though 

I think this is even mentioned in canon that there's not a lot of privacy living on the street 

Probably got an idea when he ran out of pads 

Magnus: Fuck I’m out of pads and still got like three days left :/ Blitzen: *handing him some spare pads* Here I got you covered kid Magnus: ?????? Why? do you have these???? 

He’s a little slow on the uptake bless him 

Eventually, he sees Blitz and Hearth’s chest scars and is like OH 

He starts asking them both a lot of questions, still thinking its just innocent curiosity but Blitz and Hearth are sharing knowing looks the whole time

Sure enough like only a few days later he’s like “I think I wanna go by Magnus now” 

His mother had mentioned to him that’s the name she’d have gone with if he’d been born male and he liked it enough to keep her wish 

I wanna say his dead name starts with a B? I dunno why    

Birthdays don’t mean much to Magnus while homeless but Blitzen and Hearthstone get him a binder for his 15th birthday, refuse to explain where they got it 

(Blitz made it but Hearth was the one to steal the materials he needed) 

Magnus obviously never had the option for medical transitioning while alive and homeless, but if given the choice he’d probably get on T but not have any surgeries

Jack is a sword who canonically picked his own name and it’s talked about there being female swords despite having no genital or way to tell, all living weapons choose their own gender he’s trans 

Samirah can’t remember not knowing she was a girl 

Like Alex she probably just knew from very early 

Her grandparents are mentioned being a bit more forward-thinking so while they’re probably not happy per se they allow her to experiment anyway, thinking it a phase 

It’s not a phase 

Her grandparents mess up her pronouns often and don’t get it all, but its happened less and less the longer she’s been going by female pronouns

They eventually arrange her a properly planned marriage once they realize she’s not changing her mind about being a girl, much to her pleasure  

Wearing her hijab and following other classic Muslim gender rules, like having a betrothed and not being alone with a boy, make her very euphoric and happy 

She knew right away Magnus was trans too since she like... literally handled his soul when taking him to Valhalla

Seems like something a Valkyrie would be able to tell 

Sam is very excited because this is the first time she’s met another trans person but doesn’t know how to bring it up 

I’m picturing it happening after they meet Thor when she and Magnus are talking by the campfire 

She just awkwardly blurts out “So uh gender huh?”

Magnus has no idea what she’s trying to say at first but once he does he’s very excited to talk trans with her 

ftm and mtf solidarity bitch!!!!

Then Alex gets thrown into the mix 

She doesn’t know about any of this  

Eventually, Sam finds the time to talk to her about her gender, and naturally Alex is ecstatic. It's part of why he takes such joy in being Sam’s chaperone

This happens pretty soon after Alex arrives in Vallhalla 

But Alex doesn’t find out the rest are trans too till much later 

It just sort of slips out from Blitz, a mention of feeling a bit dysphoric that day and Alex is like “!?!!!!” 

After hearing a bit more about Alex’s past Blitzen goes to Hearth and suggests he talk to her 

They have a very good venting session about growing up trans with shitty shitty parents 

Alex learns about Magnus last 

It’s when he comes to Magnus’ room after celebrating and Magnus got covered in chocolate 

Magnus has his shirt off and Alex sees his binder and is just like “!!!!!!” 

Magnus is a bit flustered but doesn’t really mind being seen shirtless since its Alex and he already knows he’s trans too so he’s not about to get attacked or called a slur 

Just like... Alex realizing his whole new little family is trans 

Just the whole empty cups fam being trans and all having very different ways of experiencing and expressing it but supporting each other through it all. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[suspiriu-m]

About Me

Hello! My name is Sal and welcome to my blog, Suspirium! Suspirium is a word that originates from one of my favorite movies, Luca Guadagnino’s 2019 remake of Dario Argento’s classic italian horror movie Suspiria. According to World of Dictionary, Suspirium is a Latin word meaning “Deep breath, sigh”. It’s also the title of one of my favorite songs from the soundtrack to the movie produced by Thom Yorke of Radiohead. I’m a huge horror movie buff so expect to see a lot of that sort of content on my blog if I can incorporate it into any of my work. I chose this as the title of my blog because of how well the word fits into the movie, and I just love the way it sounds. Anybody who’s watched the movie will understand, but I won’t go into detail as to not spoil it for anybody who hasn’t yet seen it.

Throughout my highschool years I technically went to two schools. My main and home school was Middletown High School, and my secondary school was Orange Ulster Boces in Florida New York. In high school I was always in media production and art classes. For example, photography, video editing, drawing & painting classes and my favorite was an Elements of Horror class I took my senior year. Horror being my favorite genre, I absolutely had to take a class that’s dove into the origins of classic horror novels, films and short stories. Leading to me finding my favorite classic horror story Dracula by Bram Stoker, and a multitude of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. Continuing on now to college i’m now majoring in Media Production while also still taking some classes in Marketing and Design! I really enjoy both a lot so it’s hard to kind of pick exactly which I want to do, but it’s nice knowing that no matter what path I finally choose I'll still have some experience in the other!

Aside from my education, I love to watch horror movies and read stories in my own free time. Movies in general are a huge hobby of mine and I watch at least 3-4 a week given I have the time. Some of my favaroties of all time concerning classics have got to be the Halloween series, The Evil Dead series and all four of the Scream movies. Other hobbies of mine that take up a huge part of my life and time are video games and music. I have a pretty big record collection that’s continuously growing with at least 80-90 albums and counting. I just recently purchased a few more to add being Sade’s Diamond Life, Whitney Houston’s Whitney and Whitney Houston albums, Lazaretto by Jack White, Texas Sun by Khruangbin & Leon Bridges and Petals for Armor by Hayley Williams. Hopefully my next additions will be What’s Your Pleasure? by Jessie Ware and The Baby by Samia. I’ve been collecting them for years, but especially now since even CD’s are starting to go out of style. I’m the kind of person who still likes to have physical copies of all my music and movies and games so having such big collection is super special to me.

In terms of video games, I try and play as wide of a variety that I can because I believe I can find something I like in any genre. Strategy, shooters, brawlers, online competitive games etc, but I think my favorite style of game is single-player, narrative driven experiences. Most recently I played The Last of Us Part II and was absolutely enthralled with it. I loved the first game so much so getting a sequel was something I was extremely grateful for. I don’t think video games get enough credit for what they do for storytelling. TLOU 1 and 2 are some of my favorite stories that I have experienced in any form of media. The heartbreak, pain, love, fear and excitement those games have succeeded in giving me while just sitting in front of my TV is something no other form of entertainment has brought me. Some of the most touching moments, but also the most excruciating. They also had a queer women front and center throughout the games which is something that isn’t very common in video games so seeing that was really nice to me. Other than The Last of Us, some other solid narrative driven games I’ve played are God of War, Uncharted 1-4, Marvel’s Spider-Man, The Tomb Raider Reboots, Ghost of Tsushima, the Batman Arkham series and Control.

Although story based games are my favorites that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place in my heart for some good old fashioned fun as well! I also really enjoy a lot of the Super Mario and Legend of Zelda games as well. My biggest pet peeve that I have with the gaming industry right now though is Fortnite. I think it’s literally the most annoying game ever created. People spend hundreds and thousands of dollars just to buy skins and weapon packs and I think it’s absolutely ridiculous. The fact that I work at a major video game retailer and constantly have kids running through my store screaming about the damn game at least once a day could also contribute to my hatred. Either way, I want no part and absolutely nothing to do with it.

Going back to queer representation though. I recently watched Pose over the summer. Not only was the show heavily based during the AIDS epidemic in New York City, almost the entirety of the main cast was comprised of Transgender Black women. On prime time television! This is the first show to ever achieve such a feat. Not only was the cast extremely talented, I thought the writing and production of the show as a whole was brilliant. It definitely has its flaws and I could point out a few of them, but I believe all of the good of the show far outweighs the bad. It’s not afraid to tackle extremely real and difficult subjects the Transgender and Black communities have faced in this country and all over the world. It’s so important to see content like this on television as well because EVERYBODY deserves representation. Not only was the cast Trans, but one of the lead writers of the series Janet Mock is also a Black Trans woman! Pose was filled with heartfelt moments that truly had me sobbing in my bed as I watched. I think I actually cried at pretty much every single episode for both seasons. The cast is brilliant, the realism and talent and star power they bring to the show is like nothing that I’ve ever seen before and I’m so glad to be able to see them up on my television. I so badly one day hope that I can be behind the scenes of producing a show of this caliber some day.

While I have yet to help in the production of a show like this, I have had my fair share of of making short films, music videos and even assisting on a friend of mine’s first full length movie that he submitted to festivals. Last year, I had the opportunity to shoot a short horror film with my classmates for our final project. The film was based around a young woman getting trapped at her school in the middle of a blizzard, and slowly beginning to realize that she may not be alone. In a fight for her life, she has to survive till morning while going up against a mysterious killer who lurks the halls of her small town college. Sadly, we didn’t have enough time to produce a full and finalized cut of the film but coming together and working with a few other classmates was still a really fun experience. Not only was I able to play the role of the killer, I aided in audio, music selection, location scouting, props department, shot planning and writing the movie and it was a great time. I also had the pleasure of helping out my friend Matt Vincini in shooting his short film The Cattle Farmer. A horror/thriller film about a boy who is adopted into a family, only to realize that his life might have been planned from the start. It featured a mysterious woodland family who may or may not have had cannibalistic tendencies that included their adopted children. It was a super cool experience to be on a set with a bunch of actors and seeing my friend in action in the role of director. Collaborating on projects like this with friends is always a fun time, even it does get stressful at some points. At one point in the film, one of the characters realizes that the dinner he is currently eating could quite possible be his last meal ever. Which kinda let me to thinking what my last meal would be. After some thinking, I think i’d definitely have to choose my families homemade pasta and meatballs. I know, pretty stereotypical for an Italian family but it’s just so good. We make our own sauce every september and it’s a huge family event. Everybody comes together and one of our houses and it’s literally a whole days worth of work. The best part? At the end of the night, we all have a huge feast and make pasta and meatballs with all of the sauce we just made. It’s one of my favorite things to do with my family and always one of my favorite meals. Not only is it delicious, but also sentimental.

This is all for now! Thanks for stopping by my blog and reading a little bit about me. I could probably keep rambling on for hours but I don’t think that’s the smartest idea. I can’t wait to fill this blog with more content this year and hope to hear from you guys as well! Until then, i’ll be watching more movies and DEFINITELY playing some more games. At this point i’ve been playing the new Marvel’s Avengers video game so, let me get back to kicking some AIM ass!

[radicchia]

You type a lot of shit that just screams people weren't kissing my ass for being an ally so I turned terf.

So, thank you for your message! It’s the first one of this kind that I’ve gotten.

1. I don’t need anyone to “kiss my ass for being an ally” for whatever reason. I’m a grown woman, I know my self-worth and I know my own mind. As long as I know I’m standing with the right cause because it makes sense on the basis of what I know, I’m more than fine with not being applauded for being an ally.

2. Yes, people have actually told me they were grateful for my allyship. I’ve been nothing but supportive of my trans-identifying friends and I’ve literally held some of them while they cried because of the strain they were under. The problem is not that I’ve got no empathy or that I suddenly started hating them. But there are three factors there that I couldn’t ignore:

a) While I was supporting my trans-identifying friends, other women were suffering because of the situation we were all stuck in and the choices I and my friends made. (I won’t go into detail, but it was a complex situation.)

b) The concept of gender as it is perpetuated by TRAs does not make any sense to me even though I spent years trying to understand it - I see it as fundamentally illogical. There’s biological sex, which women share, and there’s gender roles that are forced upon us to oppress us. There’s no other kind of gender other than that, there’s only people. I’m always open to discussions and objections, but it is painful to have your own thoughts and reasoning utterly vilified to the point that you can’t even talk about it to anyone to voice your doubts.

c) I could not see the concept of being trans helping any of my aquaintances, friends, or relatives who identify that way, and the closer I am to them, the more I know about the different traumata they’ve gone through in their lives. You could say it’s just a random correlation and not causality, but the overall effect on me was that I didn’t feel like I was helping them at all in the long run by supporting those ideas. I hope you can tell that I’m not saying this in a hateful way and that I just want my friends to feel better. (I realise you’ll probably object that I have no way of knowing if it’s helping them. Ok. I’m not doing anything to stop them from doing what they want.)

So, to sum it up, I saw women suffer partly because of my decision to support my friends unequivocally, I was absolutely torn inside because I didn’t know if I could trust my own thoughts, and I wasn’t even helping my friends in the long run.

It took me months to recover from the situation I referred to above (which itself lasted several months). And that’s when I turned into a “terf”.

I feel like my reply is a bit too friendly - mainly because I’m talking about my friends so this isn’t just an abstract problem to me - and of course it doesn’t even make a mention of all the different ways in which men are terrible and libfem tumblr doesn’t even have a concept of why masculinity is bad, always, and not just toxic sometimes. I didn’t even really explain what happened, and I won’t, but basically I’m still so preoccupied with it and I can’t stop thinking about it.

And. I absolutely hate that just because I’m a woman I’m in this situation and have to spend so much time and mental energy on this topic. It drags me down so much. Solidarity among women is the only antidote to that.

[homestuckcontroversyin2020]

My Opinions on The Epilogues

So I expect that this isn’t going to go over too well, whether it be because I get absolutely zero attention on this post, or for the fact that I’m literally typing up what is probably a hate post that’ll spark up some, “Oh fuck you.” comments. Either way, I don’t really care about the possible hate to be garnered or anything. I’m here to state my opinion on this, and opinions can’t kill anyone when you’re as weak at arguing as I myself am. Now, this isn’t a fucking logical article, I’m not taking time with comprehensive research and making sure I fact check every little detail because that would involve reading Homestuck for and eighth time and re-reading the Epilogues so I have the biggest refresher in the world. I’m not doing that, so take my sub-par rambles.

Preface over, let’s get into the meat.

My original thought when I heard that the Epilogues came out was initially an eye roll big enough to be like when Hulk smashed Loki in the ground. An arch of, “What the fuck, Hussie.” In other words? I didn’t want to read them. I spent the first few days in agony, complaining about how Homestuck was probably just becoming a money grab, and hearing from other people about the content that  came out.

It.. wasn’t as bad as I expected when I jumped into it. People made a bigger deal about them than I thought was even insanely possible. Let me get this out of the way. I don’t hate the Epilogues. Do I think they were poorly done? Yes. Do I think that the writing was subpar? Absolutely. Do I think that fourteen year olds in their bedroom typing away at shitty fanfiction or roleplaying smut on MxRP/MSPARP have a better grasp on the characterization of each individual character than the people who took over and wrote the Epilogues? 10000%. Still, I thought they were a clever addition to alternate timelines. I had heard from a source they were meant to be a satirical take on fanfiction, and was a mocking poke at the Homestuck community... until Beyond Canon came out.

So here we are now with an 18 year old who’s spent their time on this planet obsessing over Homestuck since before they could read cuss words without feeling embarrassed telling you about how they’re pissed off with some small things that are of no value.

I’m an Alpha Kid Stan(TM) so everything that happened to my sweet babies has made me want to blow my brains out over the walls. Let’s go down the line.

Jane, sweetheart? Who hurt you? Now, I’ll be honest, I rushed through the Epilogues in my, ‘fuck I don’t want to read this but I feel like I need to in order to satiate my burning curiosity.’ mode. Jane’s whole... situation seems really fucked up to me. The color of her text in the EPs is another thing that pissed me off beyond belief, and I’m not sure why. The consistency between comic and canon was draining on my nerves. Jane, in Homestuck, is a whiny teen, but in no way do I look at her and see racist Hitler. Also, what the fuck was up with the clown thing? Why did she have an obsession with fucking Jake? Sure, she was into him before, but wasn’t part of her character arch getting over the buck toothed bangaroo? I thought so. I also thought that Jane was, you know, just a normal girl living her best life. She sure complained, but who doesn’t?? The Jane we’re given in the Epilogues seems to lack the internal dilemmas that the dear, sweet Crocker we’ve grown fond of does. There’s barely a hit of self hate, she doesn’t blow up, and sure we could possibly count this to her being older, but, what? She didn’t seem to be pissed off about the entire existence of trolls in Homestuck. Sure, her time with them was minimal and she didn’t really get all the shit through, but she fought side by side with Kanaya, even. I just don’t see it at all.

Jake. Oh boy. This is a big one. In either case, Jake’s whole thing really bothers me. He doesn’t seem like Jake. He seems like a watered down version of himself that doesn’t even make fucking sense? He’s an aloof dork, but he’s not horrendously stupid, there’s no reason to make him an alcoholic, and why the fuck is he an attention seeking slut? Yes, yes. We could blame this all on Dirk but really, what were the authors thinking? They had complete control over what happens in this and they turn Jake into something he’s not. He had other drives and passions than living out his life as the sexy action movie woman we all need in our lives. Jake’s smart to his own degree, stubborn, and kind of a flirt! He’s not insanely oblivious, either. For instance, I recall a specific moment where he insinuates that Jane was having a wet dream about him in Homestuck. I’m not going to find the quote, but I know it’s there. Jake spent time working on the robot rabbit for John with Jade and outright refused help from some outside sources. Jake is smart! He’s got an extensive vocabulary! He’s just a nerd, and he’s more than an uwu gay boy for Mr. Triangles.

Roxy, oh no. This is where I expect to get the most heat. Roxy is a beloved character. The light of my life and the best of the kids, in my opinion. (I’m an avid Dirk Stan, but Roxy has won my heart truly and thoroughly.) I don’t like the whole trans/non-binary thing. Not because I’m transphobic or anything, because I’m absolutely not. It’s because it feels like it just doesn’t fit with her as a character?? Roxy grew up in isolation in a place without humans, you really think she’s going to have an outright conceptualized view on gender roles and norms? Basic fucking psychology would tell you otherwise. This is something that her brain would have trained her to do based on a societal view. I may not have paid a huge ass amount of attention in psychology, but gender is a thing that’s completely up in the air and taught to us. Roxy didn’t have that. You could argue and say that her house has something of the sort that’d lead her to feel that way, or perhaps she’s learned this all off the internet, but her clothes scream femme and she had to make them herself, is all I’m saying. Again, whatever, go off, make Roxy trans. It’s not a huge deal, but that isn’t the only problem I have. Roxy as a character seems to have just lost her spark. There’s little outright love and enjoyment and adoration for her friends that there is in Homestuck. She’s not your hype go get them loving girl. Again, maybe you could blame this on the fact that they’re all older, but getting older isn’t going to drastically impede your previous personality and make you an entirely different person. They essentially turned Roxy into a watered down version of Dave, but trans. It’s like they couldn’t make Dave trans so they just made a new Dave. It’s annoying to me, and that’s my biggest problem. I love Roxy. I don’t care for Epilogue Roxy. If they had done it right, if they had used specific things from Homestuck, if Homestuck itself keyed in on this or ANYTHING, fine. But Roxy was old enough to question her identity, most people do around 16, and she could have had the opportunity to start representing this already. I mean, who was stopping her? Then the baby stuff. Huh? What? Why? Doesn’t make sense, pass. Her bffsy, brother, and person that cared about her most off and yeets himself from the top of the nearest belltower and all she can think about is copulating with John??? Alright, fam.

Onto Dirk. Y’know what? I don’t have many huge problems with Dirk. I found his personality in Meat really funny, I found the death in Candy absolutely soul crushing. Dirk is a good character. I don’t think they did his personality well, but I don’t think they did any of the characters well. Maybe John. Maybe. Dirk really just sounded like a child who wasn’t getting what he wanted, and it was amusing to say the least. He sounded horrible from the way people talked about him before I read it, but I really just found his overzealous ego entertaining. I found the fact that they made him still totally desperate for Jake kind of annoying though. Dirk broke of their relationship. Dirk was the one who took a moment to realize it wasn’t healthy for either of them, and getting what you want isn’t good. Taking over the narrative and making your ex nearly jizz himself in public is hilarious and all, but also, what??

Alright. Alphas. Let’s move onto Betas.

I skipped a lot of it, not going to lie. Rather than breaking it down for each character like I did with the Alphas, I’m just going to ramble and see where the wind takes. me.

I don’t ship Davekat. I don’t see it working in a romantic aspect. I see them being bros, and it felt really forced in both sides of the story. The homoerotic tension could maybe be smelled for a mile away, but lets not forget something very important. Dave has shown interest in women. Dave was interested in Terezi, he called Roxy and Jane hot, he totally fucking jizzed his jeans for Jade. The fact that so many characters in the Epilogues were exclaiming that Dave was gay, and Dave himself leaning towards the sentiment, didn’t seem to really match up. Dave’s not just pretending to like chicks either, he’s definitely interested in them to the point of being genuinely flustered and embarrassed (I.E The Hot Mom conversation.) So, I don’t really enjoy that. I think the economy shit is cute, his alternate counterpart seemed to have a good hand for business according to the spiel that was made about him, I liked it.

Rose? Didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. The drug abuse shit really pissed me off. Rose in general really pissed me off in the Epilogues. 

John is a can of worms. His characterization was done well, but I guess I just don’t see the point in the two timeline deals. Also, why did he have sex with Terezi? Why was he so much of a baby when the rest of the people around him apparently seemed to mature? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t.

And... then there’s Jade. Poor, sweet Jade. She’s been done dirty almost as much as Jake has, if not worse. She has a dick for one. Yikes. She’s extremely sexually driven, which isn’t something I can see for canon Jade who just wants to hang out and vibe. She’s also so fucking insistent with the “uwu lets date Dave and Karkat” shit that it drives me up a fucking wall. Jade, you should know better! You dated an alternate version of Dave! You dated the OG motherfucker fresh timeline bitch who lost everyone, and sure he was depressed, but I think if I remember correctly you know about all of this???? Hmmmmm!!!! Big questions. It almost leads one to believe she’d know better than to enter into a relationship like this with Dave since it could be emotionally unfulfilling. :))))

Anyways, this entire thing is a can of fucking worms and I don’t suspect I’m going to use this account often aside from shitposting, so have this one uneducated article and if you made it through it and agree, disagree, or what have you, don’t be an ass in the replies? I get it, I’m opinionated and should probably shut my mouth, but it’s the internet and I don’t really care at this point.

[dragonagecompanions]

Dragonagecompanions Masterlist

Dragon Age Origins

Wynne’s Funeral

Warden got kidnapped

Agender Warden

Warden possessed by a spirit

Companions as Atla Benders

Warden gets badly injured

Warden gets hit on (GIF)

Dwarf! Warden sees a bird and screams

Warden putting booties on Dog (GIF)

Dog stole the Warden’s clothes and they are running around naked (GIF)

Love songs with companions and Warden

Receiving an unexpected kiss from the Warden (GIF)

Warden telling them that they are sexually fluid

Cousland! Warden having a close relationship with Loghain before the Blight

Trapped in the fade and freed by the Warden

Reacting to DAI Leliana

Warden names their mabari Barkspawn

What book genre would the companions be

Romanced Zevran reaction to the Warden wanting to wait until after marriage

Zevran reacting to find a notebook full of poems about him in the Warden’s tent

Sten’s reaction to the Warden pecking him on the nose (GIF)

Zevran’s reaction to the Warden being afraid to tell him they are pregnant

Warden doesn’t know what sex is and romances have to explain

Oghren’s reaction to a Brosca Warden sacrificing themself

Cullen falling for a Dude Elf! Warden in the Circle

Woman! Warden and Morrigan being best friends

Morrigan reacting to a Woman! Warden wanting to start a relationship with her

Warden and Leliana get a dog

Zevran’s reaction to hearing they wanted the Warden as Inquisitor (GIF)

Warden and Alistair are friends who prank each other a lot

Warden bursts into skyhold to get hugs from Leliana and Morrigan (GIF)

Zevran’s reaction to learning about the trauma a Mage Warden faces

Warden got the anchor and became the Inquisitor

Zevran flirting with a nonbinary Warden

Reunited with the Warden at Skyhold

Dragon Age Awakening

Romanced Awakening Companions + Pining

Reacting to Anders actions in DA2

Commander having nightmares

Awakening Anders reaction to DA2 Anders actions

Dragon Age 2

Pregnant Hawke

Gifts from Hawke

Hawke possessed by a spirit

Meeting Leandra

Reunited at Skyhold

Hawke taking a hit for them

Hawke left in the Fade

Tranquil Hawke (Mod Fereldone)

Hawke going on a pepe slyvia rant (GIF)

Varric realizing he is love with Hawke over the course of the game

Varric reacting to Hawke telling him I love you (With french version) 

Hearing that Hawke has a favorite companion

Hearing Hawke’s mabari is their favorite (GIF)

Hearing that they are Hawke’s favorite (GIF)

Love songs for the companions and Hawke

Hawke that frequents the Blooming Rose (GIF)

Hawke has a bad toothache

Hawke taking a fatal hit for them

Reacting finding out the Chant is wrong and the Veil made nonmages (GIF)

Leandra blaming Hawke for their siblings’ fate

Purple Hawke making penetration jokes after being stabbed (GIF)

Fenris reacting to Hawke getting amnesia- Romanced and Non Romanced

Finding out if Andraste was an elven mage (GIF)

Purple Hawke downs three bottle of vodka and fights Arishok (GIF)

Bethany, Carver and Varric if Hawke died in the Deep Roads

Varric’s reaction to Hawke writing a book about him (GIF)

Orsino and Meredith’s reaction to Hawke in love with the First Enchanter (GIF)

Carver’s reaction to receiving love letter from Merrill

Ander’s reaction ti his child being templar positive

Carver and Bethany’s reaction to Hawke pushing them out of the way of the Ogre

Self-Injurious Hawke

Carver’s reaction to Hawke romancing Merrill

Bethany and Carver reacting to their sibling being a useless bisexual

Leandra walking in on romances and same gender Hawke and having a coming out talk then and there (GIF)

Isabela and Merrill finding out Hawke died in the fade while pregnant with their child

Hawke comes back missing an eye

Trans Man Hawke

Cuddling in Bed

Dragon Age Inquisition

First thoughts on Inquisitor

Crossdressing Inquisitor

Inquisitor gets poisoned  (Nonromanced version)

Inquisitor in lingerie (Cullen & Josephine here)

First thoughts on Corypheus 

Inquisitor fainting

Inquisitor being deaf in one ear

Inquisitor possessed by a spirit

Inquisitor protecting them from a hit

Inquisitor giving them flowers

Josephine, Lelianna + Cassandra reacting to noble courting Inquisitor

Inquisitor can’t swim

After Trespasser (And Advisors here)

Inquisitor dyeing their hair

Inquisitor can do Skyrim shout

Child taking a shine to companions

Companions realizing they have deeper feelings for Inquisitor

Inquisitor having astraphobia

Inquisitor having self harm scars (And Advisors Here)

Inquisitor fussing over them

Inquisitor performing CPR

Cassandra if Lelianna hadn’t stopped her in the beginning

Solas with young inquisitor who considers him a father figure

Meeting the Hero of Ferelden 

Inquisitor that grew up on the streets

Car or Motorcycle

Inquisitor with beautiful singing voice

Inquisitor getting a mabari

Nobles talking shit at Winter Palace

Inquisitor’s death post-trespasser

Inquisitor working for Corypheus

What kind of tumblr blogs the companions would run

Cullen reacting to Dexter - Dark Passenger Scene at Restaurant

Inquisitor gets surrounded

Inquisitor bring home an orphaned child

Inquisitor having a blood disease

Inquisitor being skilled in unarmed 

Inquisitor with a scar across stomach

Inquisitor has a child from a previous relationship

Teen! Inquisitor getting drunk after finding out the truth about elven religion post trespasser

Child! Inquisitor asking about Blackwall after he disappears

Inquisitor has a panic attack during a war meeting

Solas reacting to falling for someone who is not an elf (GIF)

Finding the Inquisitor nearly passed out from an Anchor flare

Cassandra reacting to Inquisitor asking to her to read to them

Inquisitor speaking Qunlat

Reactions to the massacre of Lavellan clan

Learning about what the Joining entails (GIF)

Teen! Inquisitor falls deathly ill

Game franchise companions would be most interested in

Teen! Inquisitor gets hit on by a creep

Taking the Inquisitor’s virginity

Someone purposefully misgendering the Inquisitor

Books are getting burned and Inquisitor stops it

Inquisitor calling Cassandra Mom (GIF)

Companions reacting to Cole describe the Inquisitor’s feelings about them

Child! Inquisitor accidentally blowing crater in Skyhold

Inquisitor with luscious locks 

Going to Wrestlemania

 What it takes to get Vivienne, Dorian and Josephine to a spit take

Types of cars each companion would drive

Inquisitor lost a bet and runs through Skyhold naked

Companions realizing they are in love with the Inquisitor

Inquisitor has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Inquisitor wants to raise a dragon pup

Weddings with companions

Harding, Krem and Dagna finding out the Inquisitor has a crush on them

Companions’ greatest desires

Inquisitor asks them to take care of their child if they die

Qunari! Inquisitor with Golden Halla Horns (GIF)

Dorian reacting to Teen! Inquisitor calling him Dad

Which would they like better: Lord of the RIngs, Harry Potter, or Star Wars

Inquisitor bottle flips from Leliana’s foor onto Solas’s desk (GIF)

Iron Bull’s reaction to the Warden telling him stories about Sten

Companions find an amulet that makes you speak in limericks and haikus

Fenris as the Inquisitor (GIF)

Inquisitor that wants to try at least one of every meat they kill

Inquisitor has a creepy stalker

Josephine reacting to Child! Inquisitor saying gold isn’t her color

Parent! Inquisitor’s child telling romances that Inquisitor likes them (Krem, Dagna and Harding here)

Inquisitor being the author of the Song of Ice and Fire series 

Inquisitor with epilepsy

Inquisitor singing to demons to try and heal them like Moana (GIF)

Inquisitor was an assassin on a job at the conclave (GIF)

Inquisitor’s reaction to their child telling the companions their feelings

Romances react to the Inquisitor giving them an affectionate kiss

Inquisitor that can turn anything into a weapon (GIF)

Cassandra falling for a woman Inquisitor

Inquisitor that rock any clothing they wear (GIF)

Cullen falling for a dude Inquisitor

Blackwall falling for a dude Inquisitor

Sera reacting to an ace inquisitor

Inquisitor is 101 mabari

Reaction to Solas pulling the Inquisitor into a kiss in front of everyone (GIF)

Josephine first realizing that she is bi

Qunari! Inquisitor taking out enemies with their horns (GIF)

Companions singing lullabies to a Child! inquisitor

Solas reacting to a Teen! Inquisitor looking grown up in Trespasser

Sera reacting to realizing she is a noble after marrying a Trevelyan Inquisitor 

Reactions to an asexual inquisitor

Solas’s reaction to Inquisitor calling Cullen vhenan (GIF)

Blackwall’s reaction to the Inquisitor joking that his armor looks like a quilt (GIF)

Inquisitor’s main weapon is Excalibur from Soul Eater (GIF)

Blackwall’s reaction to the Inquisitor asking him for a strip tease (GIF)

Child! Inquisitor making them flower crowns

Inquisitor dancing with the ambassador at the Winter Palace (GIF)

What kind of presents they would give to a Child! Inquisitor on their birthday 

What leaves Varric absolutely stunned

Dalish! Inquisitor wearing Dalish attire to the Winter Palace (GIF)

Post Trespasser Inquisitor saying they aren’t good enough for them

Sera reacting to Dalish! Inquisitor making dalish cookies (GIF)

Inquisitor saying I love you in the romances native tongue

Solas reacting to Inquisitor sneaking up and grabbing his junk (GIF)

Child! Inquisitor getting called knife ear

Varric calling a Dwarf dude! Inquisitor Bartrand 

Inquisitor wearing formal attire (GIF)

Ace Inquisitor that doesn’t like sex with Iron Bull

Sera realizing the Hero gave her the painted box

Dorian’s reaction to being accepted by his partner’s family

Hogwarts Houses for the Companions

Inquisitor pinching their ass under the table during a war table mission (GIF)

Leliana’s reaction to the Hero telling the Inquisitor to look out for her

Inquisitor slapping an enemy so hard it knocks them off their feet (GIF)

Sera reacting to an Inquisitor who binds their chest

Cullen reacting to the Inquisitor giving him a dream catcher to get rid of his nightmares

Inquisitor giving them a bouquet that they picked on a quest (GIF)

Josephine’s reaction to a Mage! Inquisitor being told no one would love them

Inquisitor asking them to take them on a shopping trip to help them transition

Iron Bull’s reaction to learning the Inquisitor knows blood magic

Romancing Krem

Dorian reacting to an asexual Inquisitor that doesn’t like sex

Teen! Inquisitor getting into a fight with another teen (And Advisors Here)

Calm Inquisitor loses their temper (GIF)

Dorian meeting his and the Inquisitor’s child from the future

What makes the companions panic

Inquisitor falls in the fade with only the Warden and Hawke

Centaur Inquisitor  (GIF)

Teen! Inquisitor getting angsty over a crush

Modern day Languages the companions want to learn

Iron Bull’s reaction to his horns hurting his lover while sleeping

Pocket Ask

If the Inquisitor had a crush on Corypheus (GIF)

Teen! Inquisitor having a panic attack

Inquisitor Zevran (And Advisors Here)

Josephine’s reaction to the Inquisitor forcing themself to stay awake due to nightmares

Solas finding out the Lavellan has Qunari blood (GIF)

Companions’ ideal gifts 

Someone misgendering a trans inquisitor (GIF)

Inquisitor that has Ehlers-Danlos Sydrome

ASOIAF! Universe: Reading the Red Wedding

Finding the Inquisitor covered in blood and with a shovel

Finding the Inquisitor in their room, giggling like a child on the floor (GIF)

Cullen, Dorian and Solas reacting to the Inquisitor nearly made tranquil

Inquisitor who randomly coughs up blood (GIF)

Teen! Inquisitor going off to college

Iron Bull reacts to a Mage Qunari Inquisitor! who is a bit scared of him

Comforting an agender Teen! Inquisitor

Child! Inquisitor climbing onto one of the rooftops (GIF)

Dorian and Dude Elven! Inquisitor holding hands at a party

Sera thinks the Ace! Inquisitor is also aro but Inquisitor likes Sera

Ace! Inquisitor nearly forcing themself to have sex because they think that’s what “normal” couples do- have sex

Cassandra and Woman! Inquisitor come out publicly 

Random gifs for companions (GIF)

Inquisitor reveals that they are a vampire

Iron Bull reacting to the Inquisitor having a panic attack

Inquisitor is a Khajiit from the Elder Scrolls series

Dorian receiving news of the Inquisitor’s death (romance)

Child! Inquisitor whose parents think they could always do better

Which companions would be most likely to adopt

Someone tries to tease about Josephine and the Inquisitor’s relationship

Inquisitor being the child of the Hero of Fereldon

Inquisitor calling Solas “egghead” (GIF)

Vivienne’s reaction to the Inquisitor chewing loudly at dinner

Child! Inquisitor refuses to eat healthy 

Teen! Inquisitor doesn’t feel like they are fit to lead because they are young

ASOIAF! Universe: reacting to the Purple Wedding

Inquisitor that shouts attack names in battle (GIF)

First time seeing the Inquisitor in Antaam-saar (GIF)

Finding out the Inquisitor is ticklish and doesn’t mind being tickled (GIF)

Usually serious Inquisitor makes a pun (GIF)

Leliana’s reaction to an Inquisitor using a cell at the winter palace (GIF)

Iron Bull’s reaction to his lover being conscious about how they look

Free day at the beach

Inquisitor who cuddles whoever is closest in their sleep

Jack of all trades Inquisitor who doesn’t know how to fight

Inquisitor stays in the fade in place of Hawke or the Warden

Leliana, Dorian and Vivenne’s advice on proposing to Josephine

Dalish! Inquisitor who can’t read well

Noble sneering at a Child! Inquisitor because of their age

Inquisitor having an asthma attack 

Dalish Inquisitor that has a hard time keeping up when people speak quickly

Finding out the Inquisitor has terminal cancer

Dalish! Inquisitor who’s clan took up seafaring after the fall of the Dales

Herald runs to avoid becoming inquisitor (GIF)

Inquisitor with a reputation as a skilled dualist

ASOIAF! Universe Nobles reaction to books

Inquisitor is twins with the Hero of Fereldan

Mages react to Merlin from Sword in the Stone

Dorian with a Trans Man Inquisitor

Evil Inquisitor (only partially done)

Cuddling in bed

Josephine, Vivienne, Leliana, Dorian and Iron Bull with Inquisitor with Enochlophobia

Genderfluid Inquisitor coming out to them

Altmer Inquisitor 

Inquisitor that gets really bad motion sickness

Child! Inquisitor revealing they were abused

Child! Inquisitor hurting themself trying to learn a spell

Inquisitor recognizing a red templar as their sibling

Meeting the Inquisitor’s sibling who is a fan of their stories

Inquisitor who is an elf from Lord of the Rings

Reacting to Modern technology

Inquisitor who charm the Guardian of Mythal with a song

Extra things

Heightcanons (all games)

Mods reaction to suddenly ending up in the DA universe

If mods could show one character a disney or pixar movie, what would it be

Companions reactions to the movies from the mods

Purple Hawke vs. Lavellan Inquisitor rap battle (submission)

Zevran, Fenris and Dorian pulling their romance into a kiss in front of a crowd

Mod Fereldone’s Inquisitor reacting to Cole asking if they are his parent

[dekuinthelake]

Happy Birthday Bloodborne

Seeing as it’s the 5th year Bloodborne has graced this mess of a planet with it’s omnipotent light I figured write a little thing about how much the game means to me. I’m going to get fairly personal so if you don’t like that kinda thing feel free to skip.

The first time I beat BB I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I’d had a rather basic playthrough where I didn’t see pretty much any of the optional bosses or do any of the story. I did as Gehrman suggested and just hunted some beasts. I took a break from it for a while and didn’t return to it until my life started getting... Difficult. 

My parents a year prior had gone through a rather turbulent divorce. In the wake of this, my sister and her boyfriend moved in so we could all help my dad pay for his house if only just barely. At the time we all knew even with four of us we didn’t make the type of money to help make payments and the inevitability of him loosing the house was a constant and looming stress. Worse still, my sister only agreed to move in if she was added to the mortgage, meaning she could threaten to sell on a whim, a privilege which she started using to strong arm me and my dad in to behaving a certain way. Her boyfriend was verbally abusive towards everyone, but especially condescending to her. Tension grew between all four of us, but especially between me and the boyfriend. I could ask my sister if she wanted to go out to lunch and catch up and she’d respond, “Let me ask my BF”. His control over her became apparent and the wedges he was intentionally drawing between her and our family was impossible to ignore.

All the while I was working a 4AM shift at a Zoo in the winter and barely getting any daylight or human contact since I had to be in bed so early to wake up for the drive. I cleaned a mile of glass in the dark every day non stop, only to have it be dirtied the moment the park opened. No matter how hard I worked to keep the park as clean as I could, even to the point of putting on dust masks to knock down spider, the higher ups weren’t happy with our companies work. As our contract was rapidly coming to an end, rumors began to circulate that we might not have it renewed if things didn’t improve. Worse still, someone had been stealing from the supply closet. Supposedly only the managers knew the code, and this sparked massive distrust in the Zoo staff towards our department to the point keys were taken away and our lives were made harder by no longer having access to vital shortcuts around the park which made getting from place to place take even longer in the miles long local. 

This futility and rage sparked the most obsessive play through of a game I’ve had to date. Undeniably, these situations were hopeless and lonely, and Bloodborne is a game that understood exactly how I was feeling. The Hunt is, after all, an eternal nightmare. No matter how many beasts, kin, or humans you kill, it’s an unending loop of uncertainty and oppressive danger. The tenuous state of things in Yharnam was uncomfortably familiar. Only in the game, it was far easier to focus on the things I could control.

The weapon I wielded. The stats I chose to upgrade. Which path I wanted to explore. The fluid combat enabled more split second choices every second, helped in large part by a generous stamina bar. More so than Dark Souls, Bloodborne expects you, the player, to take charge. You either commit to an aggressive plan and kill the beasts, or you die. 

When I first started, I played extremely cautiously and likewise did not have a lot of success. On new game +1, however, I began to realize that vital element. Hesitate and you die. Commit entirely and live. The more I played, the more I meditated on the very nature of what this game was communicating to me. 

In my actual life, I hadn’t come out as trans yet and it was something I was viciously debating internally. Earlier that year I tried to commit suicide. I half came out in the hospital, telling the ICU nurses my name was Mike. But even in the psych ward I was terrified to speak to social workers and groups about those feelings... Being that I had 6 hours completely alone and in the dark, it gave me time to listen to a lot of media by trans people. I distinctly remember one video where a trans woman was describing what dysphoria feels like and openly sobbing. I was starting to understand the core of why I hated myself, my body, and my current situation so much. 

But I was afraid. Even after the epiphany that I wanted to come out, I had a lot of doubt on if I could afford HRT, if I could commit to it, and what people would think. I worried starting T and in turn second puberty would bring back my horrible temper that I had going through it the first time. When I say I had rage problem, that’s putting it mildly. I’ve punched people before just for touching me when I was younger, and with the situation between me and my sister’s boyfriend getting more tense by the day I was rightfully concerned it might erupt in to actual physical violence. 

And so... I continued to come home from being alone all to spend most of my time alone playing Bloodborne. It was a great game to keep my mind off of things because of how much focus it demands to play. Funny enough, once you get good at it, the beasts are also a great punching bag.

A lot can be said about how Blood Vials aren’t the best method of healing. Having to stop boss attempts because you need to go farm some red Estus isn’t great design. However, running around that first part of Yharnam with the beast claws just shredding through citizens like a wild animal is possibly the most cathartic thing in my life at the time. It made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and like I was in complete control. I knew exactly how to handle the big pats one by one, and eventually I got skilled enough to just run into that big mob by the tree and stop people anyway because of how good the audio queues are at letting you know when you gotta dodge. I spent hours in both this location AND Chalice Dungeons farming for Echoes and consumables to the point that controlling my character in Bloodborne feels as natural as walking. 

I started beating the game faster and faster. I was on +5 difficulty and working on the DLC by myself when things escalated... 

At this point, I knew staying at my dad’s house wouldn’t be possible. The verbal fights between me and my sister were getting more and more prevalent. More than that, I knew it was time to come out and I didn’t feel secure doing that in an environment that was actively hostile. The plan was to save up, move out with two friends... But moving out came far faster than I had anticipated. 

A few days after my birthday, we had a family meeting. I don’t remember what sparked it, but we all sat around and voiced our complaints with each other. When it was my turn to speak, I brought up the fact my sister’s boyfriend had been intentionally isolating her on top of in general just being a jackass to her. He’d make her get things for him, call her stupid when they played games... The works. I don’t remember what he said that sparked it, but I remember the feeling... A really familiar feeling I hadn’t had in years. My pulse thundered in my neck so hard I couldn’t hear anyone over it. I started yelling incoherent shit. My sister stood in front of him because I was aggressively stepping forward. It was that temper I thought I’d knocked coming back. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, I’m absolutely sure I would have pummeled that man. I hadn’t felt that way since I strangled a kid in school to the point he nearly passed out.

 It was then I knew I had to leave. By nature, I’m violent. I hate it. But the decisiveness which I’d slowly been building helped me find the courage to admit this.

I took off in my car and just hauled ass to the highway. I had a bloodborne CD I’d been playing on my way to and from work. It sounds silly, but larping I was just a hunter during those crushing morning shifts was helping me keep going. Sure it was hopeless, but I felt bad ass to keep trying. I needed to have an unbreaking will to deal with this dilemma. Having so recently made a second attempt to kill myself, I had this powerful urge that no matter what I couldn’t end up there again. So, I decided not to beat myself up about it and just accept that I had to move on and away from what little family I had left.   I remember not really thinking words. I listened to Gehrman’s music on repeat with the windows rolled down going 78 miles an hour and just... Screaming. Literally screaming as loud as I could in to the night. Over and over again until it hurt just to breathe. 

Even though I felt betrayed by the people I thought were closest to me there wasn’t anything I could do but endure. 

Eventually I arrived my current roommate’s parent’s place where they were living at the time. I told her and her husband what happened. We went to the store for something. I got a call from my dad saying my sister was threatening to move out and apparently had yelled at him for not keeping me in line despite the fact at one point he’d physically gotten up and started yelling in my face to calm down. That was it. I asked my friend’s parents if I could move in temporarily and... That was that. 

The next day we gathered up all my things. I had to leave my dogs which was possibly the most agonizing part. 

But that night? I beat the orphan of Kos by myself on +5 on my computer monitor plugged in the wall and set on a box. Doing that was this weird extreme elation. It’s like I’d defeated two massively difficult, seemingly impossible tasks in one day. I’m glad I had help with the moving, though. Unlike Kos, that would have been impossible alone haha.

That weekend passed and I went back to work at the Zoo as normal. After I finished my shift, however, every employee in my company was called to a meeting. This was it. We all knew what was coming. We were to be laid off in December, giving us 3 months to find new work or apply to the company that was taking over the contract. 

In the wake of this news, moral plummeted. No one really tried that hard. I was coming in high to work every day and drinking with a coworker during our shift while we tired our best to continue work. That last month I worked there was a weird drug addled haze of extreme emotions mixed with ignoring them in favor of listening to VaatiVidya lore breakdowns of Bloodborne. 

I was going home and spending hours on art inspired by the general vibe of the game and my impossible to digest feelings. I’d lost my job, home, and family. I don’t know if I would have survived without both Bloodborne and my art as an outlet.

In the following months, I had gotten to New Game +7 and started recording myself trying to kill bosses without healing. Even though to this day no one watches these attempts but me, making them was frankly vital to keeping me distracted and focused on something I could control. 

There was a time where I didn’t think Ludwig +1 was beatable but... Here I am two years later happily having 100% Bloodborne and beaten every boss on +7, most of them without even needing to heal. 

The biggest lesson I took away from this game was persistence and decisiveness. The Souls series in general made me realize something huge that to this day has helped me fight my depression back. I’m a stubborn fuck who will grind and grind and grind until I finally achieve victory.

Fight for the progress you want to make. Things seem hopeless a lot, but you have to keep going. With effort, you can change anything you want to in your life.

Two years later, I’ve been doing HRT for 1 year and 3 months. I just had top surgery done. I’m working a job I like that’s got normal daytime hours and pays more than any work I’ve ever had with benefits. I don’t think I would have had the tenacity to stick to these things without realizing a fundamental aspect about my personality thanks to the help of Bloodborne specifically. 

I can endure, learn, grow, adapt. 

Thank you, Fromsoft. I hope this conveys a shred of what this dumb little game means to me. I needed Bloodborne so much when I moved out. I’m so glad it exists.

[sk-salazar]

Here are my favorite things and some amazing observations about “Change Your Mind”. Needless to say, there are spoilers.

💖 Those cute rainbow caterpillar bois that Pink brought to Homeworld. And the image in my head of them chasing the Pearls. 😂 Someone needs to draw that.

💖 That DejaBlue pun.

💖 Connie standing up to Mama Blue and using her strict parents to her advantage.

💖 Steven standing up for his support of fusion instead of just giving Blue an empty apology.

💖 Blue realizing that she was wrong to use her emotional manipulation powers on her loved ones all these eons. And her comment about Homeworld failing Pink instead of Pink failing Homeworld. So many kids who defy the status quo need to hear this.

💖 Blue hiding the kids in her hair loop.

💖 The symbolism behind Steven throwing off his Pink Diamond getup and putting on his own clothes to confront White. (Maybe they’re just more comfortable, but I feel like there’s a clear message there.)

💖 Blue saying, “She prefers to be called Steven.” Even if she didn’t use a male pronoun, I can see a message here of accepting your trans kid and defending their chosen identify. Even if it causes a strain in your marriage.

💖 Connie’s courage (again!) to stand up to Yellow. Everyone kept blaming Connie for “blowing Steven’s chance to talk to White” because she fused with him. And Connie’s statement about changing the rules for everyone was the best clapback to that. Steven knows he’s right. Steven knows that servitude is wrong. He knows that denying who you want to be and not loving who you want to love is wrong. So if he is to confront White Diamond, he must do it on his terms, not hers.

💖 Yellow crying of her own volition.

💖 Connie’s “face-off” pun and all the hand puns about the ships. 😂 And Bismuth wanting to uppercut an upper crust. The writing for this episode was 🔥.

💖 Steven saying “GASP!” instead of actually gasping. 😂

💖 Lapis’ and Peridot’s new forms! I’m so in love with Lapis’ palazzo pants and golden sandals! She looks like she has so much more personality now. 💙💚

💖 Peridot saying, “Who needs thumbs?” even tho they’re the reason humans are an advanced species. 😂

💖 Steven’s observation about all his forms. Pink represented the “flight” response and Rose represented the “fight” response. Both of which are primitive responses to conflict. Meanwhile, Steven represents using logic and compassion to foster dialogue. He’s the most ascended form.

💖 Blue saying, “In order to fix [our family], we must admit that it’s broken.” Here, she voices the most common fear of those people who always push back against progress.

💖 Yellow telling Steven to #TakeAKnee . I see what you did there, Sugar Woman. 😏

💖 Yellow having the courage to tell White that “we need to talk about us”. (I love all the throwback references in this episode! One of which is this line, which is a throwback to the episode about Greg and Rose.)

💖 Steven telling White to “let us in your head” or to “get out of your head”. To be “in your head” means that you’re self-centered and unconcerned about the world around you. Again, that 🔥 writing.

💖 Amethyst’s owl pun. 😂

💖 Steven fusing with all the Crystal Gems to save them. Not only was it a great idea in an emergency, but it’s a great plot device. It gives us the answer to our questions about who all the Steven fusions are, thereby making it easier to wrap up the show sometime in the near future.

💖 The new fusions!!! Rainbow Quartz is a posh twink, Sunstone is a positive, 80’s rapper-esque cool dude role model for kids and Obsidian fucking Te Ka.

💖 Rainbow Quartz blowing a raspberry, Rainbow Quartz blasting off with a literal rainbow trail, Rainbow Quartz’s “two stones and one bird” joke. Just, Rainbow Quartz. 🌈

💖 The Crystal Gems forming a cheerleading pyramid to form Obsidian and Pearl doing a Swedish Alps move.

💖 That badass fucking shot of Obsidian’s multiple arms. As well as that epic music they played for her scene.

💖 The Crystal Gems’ new forms. Pearl has completely thrown off that flimsy veil thing that all Pearls have. (Which is a symbol of servitude to her.) And now, her outfit is a lot more conventionally human. (Maybe a sign that she wants to pursue Mystery Girl?) Also, the Star is on her back, representing her putting her past as a Crystal Gem behind her. Now, she’s just Pearl and she just wants to live her own chosen purpose.

Garnet has both red and blue in her corset. After Ruby and Sapphire spent time apart, Ruby realized that she liked being with Sapphire while still being herself. Maybe Sapphire came to the same conclusion. Maybe they both came to the conclusion that they’re not two halves of a whole. They’re two whole beings in one pair.

💖 Bismuth loving Connie enough to make her a custom non-Rose Quartz-themed sword. I love how much she loves and protects the new crew.

💖 The Great and Lovable Peridot declaring that she’s Homeworld’s savior.

💖 As unnerving as it is, I love the way White tries to mess with Steven’s head. She talks about Yellow’s, Blue’s and Pink’s impurities making them dependent on each other. (Essentially, colored diamonds are created because of impurities.) And also how Pink surrounds herself with outcasts in order to be considered normal or good. I don’t agree with any of her statements, but you’ll often hear bigots use the same kind of logic to justify their worldview, which really makes this show hit home in many ways. I have to admit, her words kind of messed with my head, too. For a moment, I had some intrusive thoughts, wondering if I believed what I believe so that I could be “the best of the worst”. I snapped out of it really quick, mind you. But this was an incredibly effective speech.

💖 Amethyst calling White a dirt wad. 😂 She has NO chill.

💖 Again, White Diamond being an absolute villain when she says, “Now I’ve removed all their flaws. Now they are perfect, now they are ME.” This could be an interpretation of God. He sees free will as a mistake because his creations choose NOT to glorify him and NOT to be molded in his image. So many awesome sneak-disses of real people in this episode. 😎👏🏼

💖 Yellow Pearl’s silly Pink Steven line turning out to be foreshadowing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

💖 The palpable representation of self-love in the form of Steven adoring his own form. Also, there’s a throwback to Rose Quartz saying, “Every time you love yourself or you love being yourself, that’s me loving you and loving being you.” Steven really is Pink’s ascended form. The song in the credits is from Pink to Steven.

💖 Rose Quartz and Pink being gone for good. So many stories have characters that come back to life and it seems like death loses meaning nowadays. As much as I love Rose, I’m here for her never coming back. Especially because that represents Pink/Rose/Steven growing and moving on. Just as we never go back to our old, naive selves, neither should Pink.

💖 Steven being equal to White in power, apparently. She was shook with that scream of his! And he took his sweet ass time walking towards his meat suit. That’s power right there.

💖 White saying, “I only want you to be yourself and if you can’t do that, I’ll do it for you.” A perfect representation of people nowadays forcing people to deny their true identities through draconian laws, unwritten social codes and bigoted statements.

(“You do not look like this, you do not sound like this, you are Pink Diamond” = “If you have a penis/vagina, you’re a man/woman.” “That gender doesn’t exist.” “Men and women are supposed to be with each other because...reproduction.” “You can live together, but don’t call it marriage.” Etc, etc.)

💖 The best line in the whole show: “I AM a child. What’s your excuse?” What a sweet, heartfelt way to remind us of the pilot episode, when all this magic got started. 😭

💖 White Diamond interpreted Pink’s “impurity” as warmth earlier. All this time, she thought that being “perfect” meant being detached, cold, unsympathetic, overbearing and cruel. But she becomes more likeable and multi-faceted when she absorbs Pink’s warmth/light. Without it, she’s a creepy, aloof puppet master. But with it, she becomes the same old White that the Diamonds loved. She changed quite easily, so that indicates to me that she felt the need to remove her emotions to become a more effective leader. (Kind of like how people with broken hearts often vow never to love again.) There should be a future exploration on this. Did she remove her own emotions? Did she do it in order to detach herself from grieving for Pink? Or did a higher, more eldritch power do this to her? 🤔 Either way, Pink’s warmth is the antidote to all forms of frigidity. For all that guff about her perfect white light penetrating everyone, she sure got shown a thing or two. 😁

💖 Apparently, Pink Pearl is okay-ish. She probably still has the trauma of being taken from Pink and having her eye cracked. But she apparently has no memory of being controlled. I was so tormented for the last month, wondering if poor Pink Pearl was screaming for freedom, trapped inside her own body. 😢

💖 Steven’s throwback to the song he sung to Lars and Sadie when they were stranded on the island. “If you let others just be whoever they are, maybe you could let yourself be whoever you are” is a throwback to “Let Yourself Just Be Wherever You Are”. It’s also a perfect message to people who rely on bigotry and forcefulness to serve as their whole identity.

💖 Sadie’s green hair. 💚 What a look! And Greg is such a good guy that he’s allowed Sadie and her band to play his song. ☺️ Also, her literal mic drop when the Diamond mothership lands above her. 🤣

💖 The way our perfect cinnamon roll always brings people together. The way he introduces the off-colors to the Diamonds like it’s NBD, like there hasn’t been eons of bad blood between them. And the way White is willing to say hello to them first. What a good grandma. ☺️ It’s funny that earlier on, White said that Pink inspires others to be their worst selves. Yet whenever Steven does stuff like this, it inspires me to be my best self. And many other fans too, I’m sure!

💖 Lars being kind to Lion. ☺️

💖 The off-colors and corrupted-now-uncorrupted Gems finally getting their happily ever after. ☺️

💖 Jasper still retaining a scar of her corruption. Because no one ever comes back unscathed and that little detail makes this story so much more real to us. Also, the way Amethyst explained everything to her, even after the way Jasper had bullied her.

💖 Yellow throwing up some deuces as the mothership was blasting off. 😂✌🏼 There is hope for these Diamonds after all.

💖 Steven’s closing song. What a perfect message to sum up the entire episode. 😍

[mividaeslimones]

Life update: 06-03-20

I cried myself to sleep for the first time in I don’t even remember ... Our president is trying to incite a race war and part of our population is either indifferent, complacent, or actively participating in racism. Being in a place like Albuquerque is weird. It changes you, and the longer you’re here the more it has time to work on you. I remember when there was a time when I felt genuine outrage or bafflement here, but was swiftly met with a shrug and, “that’s just how it is here,” like it was fucking normal. There a lot of instances that fit into that scenario, and I’m not going to talk about them all right now. I just want to talk about what’s actively trying to swallow this place up.

The police have been preparing for a massive riot, some of them are deeply troubled by George Floyd’s death and people finally putting their foot down. Others...they see an opportunity to override the Justice Department’s and civic leader’s declarations for change. They’re blocking main roads, they’re driving recklessly or with intent to cause harm again. In the past I’ve had officers run me off of the road with their spotlight, ride my ass so you couldn’t slide a piece of paper between our bumpers, and do that thing where they speed up and slow down so you hit them, on top of having my plates run and being stopped. They’ve encouraged armed radicals to be in our city and walk around brandishing their guns. Things are steadily escalating (abduction after protest, dude with a grenade, etc) in response to the excessive bullshit brought on by the police and the blind eye of those who are complacent with their lives. On top of this I’m pretty sure the cartels are taking advantage along with the homegrown right wing dingbats. 

I’m so mad at myself. I feel so selfish. I’m so limited on what I can do because I chose to jump at having a hysterectomy and start changing my documentation before all of this. Now I can’t participate or even document things because I could end up in the ER. Shit a car accident would do it too. I would absolutely be running around with my GoPro and extra batteries, because for whatever reason there isn’t enough live feed or recordings from people on the streets. The police scanners say and imply one narrative, while a group of I don’t even know what to call these folks (willful optimists? prideful ignoramuses?) swear everything is okay, while another sector of the population at these protests are screaming something else entirely. And the media? They’re parroting what the police are saying, and I think this goes back to Albuquerque’s efforts to mitigate the image that was made known by COPS (the show). We have so many problems and no money to even put a clean band aid on any of them. People are desperate to get people to move or vacation here that are from out of state. News flash ain’t no body staying or visiting if you don’t actually fix shit, because they know better options exist. We have the five year rule for a reason in the land of disenchantment. For those unfamiliar with the five year rule, it applies to transplants specifically. People will either move because shit is so bad, or resign to die with their career after five years. And yes, the land of disenchantment is a thing, it’s a take on the state’s motto coined by the locals. And you know what? I’m digging my heels in and I’m really telling people not to move here, especially if you’re black, a member of the lgbt+ community, and/or a single woman. Things are bad everywhere, but Burquenos’ refusal to address the problems generated by the state’s isolation and culture make this place hell. 

I really feel like a garbage human being for trying to transition. I just wanted to try to make my life less shity by aiming for a more passable appearance. Life is genuinely harder for trans people if they don’t look or sound how they’re supposed to. My license and tags have expired because of COVID-19 sending California into lockdown. My birth certificate will be here sometime between now and a few ¿weeks? The cops are always actively looking for expired tags because it’s the perfect reason to pull someone over, because you can’t dispute it. I know some of them will relish in the fact they can stick it to someone with an ethnic label and an lgbtq+ person, it’s like bingo for this type, I’ve met them, they’re a fucking delight to talk to. Yes they’re all over world, but for me here and Washington (state) are the worst, compared to California, Idaho, and Oregon. As I wrap this up I realize I have to keep going after updating my documents, because bad and holy shit won’t even cover what some of these cops will try to do if they stop a man with tits. I’m not tagging this post, I won’t be part of the problem that’s trying to take away from BLM and the black community. I’ve already done crappy thing for having a meltdown over all of this in someone’s DMs.

[infernallewords]

Stereotypes

I’m sick of them.  I’m sick to death of them.  If I see one more show, movie, or book with a stereotype of a minority in it, I will scream and pretend that piece of garbage doesn’t exist.  If you have to add a commonly used adjective to your minority to describe it (one you’ve seen used previously), you are writing a stereotype.  I have dropped show after show after show because of this.  At this point I just watch silly videos online, because almost every show has this, with the exception of The Flash, because that show is apparently being written by people who actually interact with minorities.  The story line may be a little hackneyed, but the minority characters are gold.  And people need to take a page from its book, because fucking hell it’s beautiful.  

If I can watch a movie/show or read a book with a minority, and predict exactly how they will behave, that thing will be dead to me.  

Example: I was so excited to read a Christopher Moore book.  Super excited.  I’d heard so many good things about Lamb.  Everybody I knew loved it.  Well, I wanted to read a horror story, and he had written a horror comedy called A Dirty Job.  This book was set in San Fran’s Chinatown district.  The main character, a white male, was written with some depth (goofy, beta male stupidity, but some depth).  His lesbian sister was written as just that.  Her entire story line revolved around her being a lesbian.  Not her as a person, but just her as a lesbian.  Okay, I said, and continued on.  His Chinese landlady spoke in broken English, stole his many pets to eat them, and screamed in Cantonese at him.  His female Russian neighbor constantly talked about fighting bears.  The one black guy in the book, who could also sense the dead, always dressed like a pimp, is called “Minty Fresh”, and pretends to be gay to lure in gay men to buy all his Cher albums.  Also, the main character is constantly “talking black” to him.  He’s also super physically strong.  His creepy fellow shop keeper is constantly searching for “desperate Filipina girls” on dating websites and fetisizes them.  There’s some ugly “trans humor” attached to it that makes me cringe.  And the women are all fuckpuppets.  One of the female souls gets attached to her breast implants.  

Do you see the problem here?  I will never read another fucking book by this author, because the method by which he wrote his minority characters was stunningly bad.  Not all black men have to be big, burly pimps dressed in pimp suits.  Not all Asian people “eat dog”.  I guess he was trying to throw you off the scent with the Russian lady and “wrestling bears”, but fuck man, you don’t make something better by doubling down on it.  And if you’re trying to comment on stereotypes, you have to subvert them in a well-written way.  This author does not do that in the least.  All he needed was the sexed up, saucy Latina character with her big hips and “feisty attitude”.  Thank god there was no “sassy Black woman”, or the many, many stereotypes depicting Black women as either whores, mammies, or non-sexed magical characters for the main character’s benefit (though Minty did come off as a bit of a magical negro character to help guide the story line).  Also, if the main character hadn’t been portrayed as a “beta male”, I’m sure there would have been some white savior complex a la every main white male character Hollywood throws in with a bunch of minority characters.  

“Oh, stop talking down about white people!  That’s just racist!”

Well, I am talking about minority stereotypes and the inherent racism therein, so it makes sense to talk about the opposite problem, y’know?  You can’t improve upon a problem without talking about the problem.  Also, stop getting cringey when somebody talks about white characters and their juxtaposition with minority characters in pieces of entertainment.  The troupes are already proven and they are well-worn.  Besides, I’m talking about representation, and it matters.  White characters get amazing representation with depth, personality, romance, wants, goals, dreams, and hopes for their future.  All I want is to see is that with minority characters, which rarely happens unless it’s written by a minority.  And then if it’s a movie, expect a slave narrative, which I pretty much will not watch (#nomoreslavenarratives).

Example: While I did enjoy the movie Logan (went to the theatre and everything), its WSC was off the scales.  I still enjoyed it, but why?  And if anybody rolls their eyes at me mentioning this, just take a look at the way Hollywood furthers this standard.  Avatar, The Help, The Blind Side, The Last Samurai, Dangerous Minds, etc.  Hell, martial arts films made by Hollywood have a straight up complex when it comes to the Asian master who teaches the non-Asian to fight and be the best there ever was.  I can direct you to Iron Fist, the Netflix show that does this, but everybody says, “Hey man, that was the original story!”  Okay, but that’s actually not better.  The fact that this has been going on forever doesn’t make it excusable.  The movie Man of Tai Chi doesn’t exactly endear me to the concept, either.  And I won’t even go into everything wrong with that horrific Dragonball movie.  

And so you know I’m not pulling this out of my ass.

http://feministfilm.tumblr.com/post/6608112156/a-brief-list-and-analysis-of-white-savior-films

All I’m saying is this: I just want to see some realistic depictions of minorities in Hollywood and beyond.  I’m sick of the stereotypes.  I’m sick of being super excited to watch or read something, only to be hit over the head with stereotypes anytime a minority is introduced.  And I’m also sick of people refusing to even write minorities in lead parts, because they don’t want to offend or have “tokens”.  As Tim Burton put it, “Nowadays, people are talking about it [diversity] more ... things either call for things, or they don’t. I remember back when I was a child watching The Brady Bunch and they started to get all politically correct. Like, OK, let’s have an Asian child and a black. I used to get more offended by that than just… I grew up watching blaxploitation movies, right? And I said, that’s great. I didn’t go like, OK, there should be more white people in these movies.”

First of all, lol.  This is why I haven’t watched a Tim Burton film since he fucked up Sweeney Todd.  Second, “a black”?  Blaxploitation films?  Oh man.  Third, minorities aren’t just people you sprinkle in stories for the sake of diversity.  If you have a diverse group of friends, they aren’t there just because you “sprinkled them in”.  You have them because you like them and what they bring to the table as human beings.  You have friends from different backgrounds, because you have things in common.  It’s those commonalities that cause you to come together and experience life.  Why people who write these scripts and screenplays and books seem to completely forget the real people they know in real life when they put pen to paper is beyond me.  If you have black friends, are they are sexless mammies who are magical negroes that merely exist in your life to further your story?  Are they all thieves or pimps or gangstas who have at some point involved themselves in criminal activity?  Do the young black women you know all resort to drugs or having a bunch of kids for child support or welfare?  Are they turning tricks?  Are the guys all players who fuck women and leave them with kids?  Are the black women in your life all neck-swiveling Shaniquas who wag their fingers and eat fried chicken and talk about “oh no you didn’t!”  

I certainly hope none of the people I know who write would try to shove me in any of those boxes, because I don’t fit in any of them.  I’m childless, in a long term relationshipand have hopes and dreams and a love of creativity, writing, and books.  I also have mental illnesses that affect my ability to be social and end up staying at home all day trying to parse my own reality while struggling with existential dread and nihilism.  I have the type of personality that would never be attributed to a black woman in many scenarios.  I’m not strong and independent--I’m a sad, depressed girl with anxiety issues who spends her time fumbling through life while trying to be successful and artistic.  That black girl never gets written, and it’s a shame.  That Korean/Chinese/Filipino/Indonesian girl never gets written.  That Latina girl never gets written.  That Indian girl never gets written.  Same with minority guys.  That guy, as a minority, never gets written, and I know so many going through the same ups and downs as me.

Minority characters are fucking human.  When I see us get written as humans in a movie or show or book, I inhale it and support it with all my might.  I will stan for these things.  I get excited about them.  I tell everybody about any piece of entertainment that does this and does it right.  And if you don’t know how to do it (I’m looking at you, again, Hollywood), then just write a character and make them a minority second.  Again, take a page from The Flash, who does this marvelously.  They wrote people first, and minorities second.  Did they have some slip ups (the absent mother who becomes a drug addict arc for Iris West), yes.  And it was stupid.  Did they make up with it with Iris’s brother in a way when they introduced Kid Flash?  Absolutely, and his character is awesome.  He was a little hotheaded at the beginning, but when they found his voice and disposed of certain stereotypical aspect (illegal drag racing), it was much better.  And really?  Even the drag racing played into him becoming Kid Flash due to his motivation for speed.  Even the mild stereotypes made some sense.  He’s a college student now with a job and a loving family, and that makes me so happy.  Why can’t more shows and movies do this?  Why is this so hard?  Joe West is a hard-working detective in the show and a black father who supports his kids.  He doesn’t have some edgy past with drugs and other crap.  He’s just ... amazing.  Why is that so hard?

Why is this so hard to comprehend?  I’m not complaining to be controversial or aggressive or mean or hateful (though many will obviously see that, regardless of how politely I structure my argument simply because I am mentioning race).  I’m complaining about it because I am none of these stereotypes, nobody I know or love are these stereotypes, and nobody I’m around are purely and only these stereotypes.  Whether or not you choose to believe that “stereotypes come from somewhere”, those same stereotypes can be found in any group of people.  So why are they only attributed to some and not others?  Or, if they are attributed to others, why do those others get to redeem themselves while the minorities who have these stereotypes don’t?  That’s where my frustration lies.

[trashabilly]

main story ocs (as of aug 15/17)

avery dallas: 26/white/m/aro ace (likes dudes) bulimic, autistic, dark magister but has no control over his magic yet, from norwich has a pretty nasally british accent, lived in and out of foster care and orphanages w/ william until he was 18 and they moved to canada. lived off their inheritance for a while until they started hunting. loses smokes & pens in his hair. like rob zombie and sweeney todd.

william dallas: 22/white/m/pan, struggles with addiction and his temper. bleaches his hair and laughs too loud. nobody but avery is allowed to call him will. worked his ass of to lose his accent after they moved to vancouver. was abused by a foster father who they lived with for about 4 years. bff is amy-grace. owns 2 3ds’. likes the addams family and the wombats.

daniel evans-hirsch: 33/black/jewish/m/gay, deaf in both ears, loves coffee and detective movies. sams fiance. the general boss of the organization. visits his lesbian moms every week. very enthusiastic abt dogs, very bad at board games. family has been hunting for generations. considers the dallas brothers both good friends and the banes of his existence. likes grimes and victor victoria

sam mcpherson: 30/mexican & irish/ bi/m, from boston. engaged to daniel. bad attitude. got possessed when he was younger and the demon used him to go on a killing spree over 3 months. he got a very poorly done exorcism that just fused him and the demon into one person. lost left arm about 10 years previously. food network junkie. likes shakey graves and golden girls

oliver pleasant (kheelan ilbryn): “28” (280)/white/gay/m, fae, owns a cafe with marcellus. is living in the human realm not very legally. was the high mage of the kings court before he ran away bc he fell in love with a reaper (marcellus) so they could be together. stole a shit ton of spellbooks. loves being naked. a lot of people think his glamour is a cosplay. thicc. likes marina and the diamonds and the conjuring.

marcellus ezra: “35” (350)/indian/gay/m, reaper stationed in vancouver. workaholic. tall n lanky, loves oliver and works at the cafe on his days off. likes to garden, carries his (folding) scythe in a fabric guitar case. is permanently stationed in the human realm after an “incident” with his boss (death) that he doesn’t like to talk abt. always very tired. likes me first and the gimme gimmes and hp (the 3rd one specifically)

victoria gray: 24/sekani/bi/f, smart as fuck. record keeper (researcher) but is combat trained, just avoids it if she can. loves fashion and the smell of gasoline. was absolutely team jacob. keeps every calendar she’s ever used. collects stickers to give to people. wants kids. likes the killers and mean girls.

raven gray: 24/sekani/ aro ace/f, field agent, loves shitty horror movies, best buddies w avery, former mall goth. cries when she thinks abt dogs and cute girls. either dresses like shes from a tim burton movie or like shes raided reds closet. likes voltaire and the princess bride.

ivan botrokoff: 36/white/bi/m, very russian and very large. assassin turned monster hunter, works with katya. huge burn scars on one side of his face, his hobby is deadlifting his friends. he’s a special agent who deploys all over the world. likes fabrika and silence of the lambs.

ekaternina (katya) dresvyanin: 35/tiawanese&russian/lesbian/trans woman (post op), also very large. can sprint in heels, assassin turned monster hunter, deploys world wide. works with ivan. really wants to propose to tamela who shes been dating for about 5 years but shes really nervous. passionate abt flowers and her gf. likes gogol bordello and true crime docs.

tamela jakanda: 30/black/lesbian/trans woman (pre op), wanted to help katya with her job so she became a record keeper. she runs a popular makeup blog and wants to have her own line of cosmetics someday. shy and quiet, gets along really well with oliver. doesn’t like fighting but really loves her job as a researcher. likes studio killers and atla/lok

red: 29/mexican/pan/trans guy (post top surgery) the only existing light magister, extremely powerful, wears tinted and enchanted glasses to keep his magic in check. loves memes more than he loves himself. he’s from oakland, tells people his full name is “brick gertrude wallaby red”. this is not true. only isao knows his real name. has his bachelor of science and wants a degree in robotics. builds annoying robots for fun. lives with isao and has a huge crush on him. skateboards almost everywhere. likes glass animals and what we do in the shadows.

isao tomioka: 33/japanese/gay/trans man (post op) half human, daniels boss. college history professor. has been friends with red for 10 years (they went to college together), he’s had a crush on him the whole time. doesn’t understand memes, speaks 7 languages, loves cats. him and red have a really cute house together but it has a super creepy basement. taught 1 lesson in a high school and swore he’d die before he did it again. likes royal blood and scooby doo.

cassius arden: 700+/egyptian/gay/m, warlock. materialistic, very powerful, changed his name after witch hunts. drinks coffee with 5 sugars and lots of cream. married to florian. has a bird and 3 fish tanks. likes sitting in the living room and screaming in tandem with his cockatiel. has a chair on the council of human/non-human relations and magic regulations. likes kesha and the office

florian koztolànyi: 400/tibetan & hungarian/ pan/m, earth mage (different from magisters bc he’s not human but different from warlocks bc there aren’t any demonic influences) vegetarian, mostly uses magic to grow plants and cheat at gardening competitions. the sensible husband. wears almost exclusively greens and browns. grows flowers in his braid. also has a seat on the council. likes childish gambino and hocus pocus.

fang-lin ji: 49/chinese/gay/m, demon, won’t tell anyone how old he actually is. uses seals to make himself look human. really strong but also really weird, owns a specialty store for non-human essentials/supplies with his family. helps daniel out when he needs it. nobody’s sure if he’s wei and hua-lings dad or their older brother. buys groceries at really bizarre hours. likes the ramones and rocky horror

wei ji: 23/chinese/bi/m, demon. actually 23, won’t use seals to look human, has a giant mouth on his stomach and likes to glue googly eyes to his nipples to make a face. a little shit. friends with benefits with william. hua-lings twin, 10 minutes older and never lets her forget it. likes tenacious d and the pick of destiny (album and movie)

hua-ling ji: 23/chinese/bi/f, actually 23. uses seals, more technical strength than wei. loves ballet but it pretty clumsy. she tries her best. the good twin. would live off peach milk tea if she could (she cant) collects sunglasses and hair clips. thinks draco malfoy is really hot and used to write self insert fanfics. likes daoko and anastasia.

amy-grace faust: 19/vietnamese & german/lesbian/f, williams best friend and fellow member of the “no nicknames club” is a record keeper alongside victoria and tamela. pretty quiet doesn’t really interact with any of the field agents besides william and sometimes avery. most of them have never met her. 40% of her wardrobe was stolen from william. shes his weed buddy. really good at her job. thinks red is cool and sometimes helps him with his robots and he dyes her hair. likes badflower and the swan princess.

[jurornumber59]

I think, just personal opinion, it really all comes down to how it’s handled as to whether it’s really obviously transphobic or not and then people are always going to agree to disagree (or actually, this is fic so it’ll be a screaming row), but the parts that /I/ think would set certain people’s alarms off are the mpreg stuff, the sort of biological imperative stuff, the rigid adherence to gender roles. I think people like things that seem taboo or transgressive and it sets certain peoples alarm bells off massively to have what is crudely a ‘pregnant man’ lumped in under ‘things that a weird/abnormal/transgressive’. (contd. below if you’re interested)

The ‘weird handy-wavey biology’ of omegaverse and ABO in particular has been a problem for me sometimes. I’m not a big fan of ‘ass-babies’ coz I’m like, THERE IS SERIOUS BACTERIA UP THERE THAT’S BIOLOGICALLY IMPROBABLE AS A GOOD PLACE TO GROW A FOETUS IN (i’m bad at turning off my inner scientist to suspend disbelief) but that’s just me. So I kinda prefer it in universes where it can be explained away more readily by ‘it got there by magic, i was cursed by a witch’... but everything is werewolves or seme/uke but with assbabies these days... and knotting... so much knotting good god. But once you start trying to make it ‘realistic’, then you start getting into really simplistic interpretations that are basically... men with vaginas/women with penises/what the fuck is intersex situations and people often do not handle or write that well. I’ve never seen a fic where it’s ‘i was assigned alpha at birth but I’m actual omega and I’m trying to transition’ that might be interesting. I’ve read stuff that was hand wavey and well handled, and stuff that reeeealllly made me uncomfortable but I’m not sure I can articulate why. Maybe coz it strayed into a sort of prurient almost fetishy deep dive into explanations of how the biology worked in that fic’s universe. There might also have just been crap, mallet-of-exposition type writing that turned me off so I’m really not sure.

I’m not the best person to ask really as I’m not trans myself and I generally see ABO and omegaverse stuff as less a metaphor and exploration for/of transness, but more about a metaphor and exploration for/of the experiences and fears of cis women, quite frankly. The fear of the biological imperative: do I really want kids or is it just society/gener roles saying I do, did I change my mind about not wanting kids because of the ‘biological clock’ ticking, am I a slave to my hormones, to my uterus. Even though society has been telling me I should be a strong, confident woman, why do I find dominant men attractive. I’m a strong confident independant woman but the world keeps telling I should be more meek and get back in the kitchen and have a million babies. 

I think it’s interesting to look a ABO stuff coz we joke about how if men got pregnant you could get birth control out of the atm, a week off for your period, and an abortion at starbucks, but it’s interesting in fic to explore what would actually happen if that were really the case. 

The heat stuff or omegas controlled and used as resources stuff is a safe way to explore the fear of lack of reproductive control and the fear that society is trying to make the handmaid’s tale happen irl.

However, I’m sure there will be people who will absolutely swear up and down that it’s a giant problematic metaphor for trans-ness, nothing more, and anyone even touching the subject is a transphobe. I’m sure there’s also people who don’t agree with that and may find some interest or value in exploring it as it relates to them.

I think ultimately it’s very hard to touch on stuff to do with gender, reproduction etc and not have some overlap with issues to do with transness, even if that was not the intention. A obviously most people, even most fic writers, aren’t trans so don’t know what that feeling is and how to navigate it.

Out of sheer curiosity:

I’m working on an ABO fic. And my two beta readers are trans so I’m like not worried that I’m gonna do anything AWFUL as they will absolutely tell me if I do, but

What ARE the tropes in ABO that get it so often accused of transphobia? Like.... the tropes I associate w it (heatfic, hormones, hurt/comfort, mild furry undertones) do noooot have much to do with..... trans people? This is a thing I’ve never understood