#about what i resent and what i loved and what i miss and what i don't
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Hi, can I have a sugar cookie, #16, with chocolate drizzle?
o7
order #16, sugar with chocolate drizzle
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ it'll pass
tropes: exes to lovers characters: leona additional info: romantic, gender neutral reader, reader is yuu, post-nrc, a little bittersweet, for those thinking they wouldn't forgive him and would marry rook instead, I understand, yes this is a fleabag reference <3
That question, that bitter uncertainty that had caged itself in your chest, behind your ribs, by your heart, had not passed.
It will pass, you had said, your friends had said, even he had said it himself.
It'll pass.
And then, the question. But what if it doesn't?
What if you never forget Leona Kingscholar?
What will you do with this love, now that there's no one to give it to?
It becomes grief, and pain. Bitterness, anger, resentment, longing, desire.
It becomes a secret, it becomes a question.
But what if it doesn't?
You had, at first, slept too much; but then that reminded you of him, and you stopped sleeping altogether.
You began writing, not fiction, nor letters, but your thoughts, if only to get them on paper and out of your head.
Most days, they were nonsense. A procession of words and feelings with no meaning, nor sense, nor relationship between one another.
Bird, television, cold, knocking, tired, tired, tired...
It always ended with that.
And it always began with Why? Why, what? Why did he leave you? Why didn't you stop him? Why can't you move on? Why any of these things?
It was strange.
You were the one destined to leave. When you and Leona fell in love, in your years at Night Raven College, that threat loomed over you both.
One day, you would leave.
Leona still became yours. He was the one constant in your life, the only person you could really rely on. He cared about you, more than he'd ever admit.
Likewise, he had never said that he wanted you to stay, but you knew he did.
It didn't matter. Crowley never found a way home, or perhaps he did, and didn't tell you, but again, it didn't matter. You graduated NRC, and went to Leona.
You were happy, too.
And then he was suddenly betrothed to a duchess, to have a family he never wanted, in a position he resented, and that was that.
It'll pass.
That's all he had said when you told him you loved him.
"I love you,"
"It'll pass,"
You wanted him to stay, like he did to you.
It'll pass.
You became despondent, sleepless. You found shelter and companionship in the form of an affluent Rook Hunt, when you had no one else to call.
But he, too, must leave. For months, the villa is empty, and it's only you and your disconnected words and your paper and the night.
One day, there's a letter for you.
Not for Rook, or for the household, but for you.
It has no name, no initials, no return address. It's not signed. It's typed. It says:
French, confused, nosy, prick, soft, missing, quiet.
So on, so forth. Hundreds of those words, meaningless and senseless and yet special, precious, worthy.
You hold the letter to your heart and the ink smudges on your sweaty hands.
There's another the next day. Quiet, manners, hate, missing, windows, dark.
And one more after that.
Boring, empty, doves, missing, water, spoon.
They come, one after the other, until Rook returns at the end of the month, freckled from the sun and tired from his work.
"Ah... an admirer?" he had asked, listening to you read the letters aloud.
"They aren't from you?"
"From me? Heh. I like to think my prose is a little more cohesive, non?"
You wake the next morning to breakfast, courtesy of Rook, and a letter, courtesy of the wind.
This one only has one word on it.
Sorry.
No more come after that.
The news that Prince Leona had broken off his engagement to the wealthy duchess reaches you in your remote room, through the sharp eyes and upturned lips of a certain Rook Hunt.
Unhappy, was the word, this time.
It was bitterly poetic. Unhappy. It reminded you of something you had written, but when you went looking for that, you were met with an empty sheet of stamps, and a drawer with no paper in it.
"You must forgive me," Rook had said, "I could not bear to see you both suffer so."
The mysterious letters, your "admirer", suddenly make sense.
The next day, another letter comes. But this one is special; it's attached to a hand, that of a certain Leona Kingscholar.
This one, too, has a full sentence.
I love you too.
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The Love Triangle from Hell (4)
Steve Harrington x F!Reader / Eddie Munson x F!Reader
Synopsis: Following the events of PART THREE, things begin to heat up.
Word Count: 3.5k
Warnings: SMUT (18+ MINORS DNI), piv sex, oral (f receiving), dirty talk/nicknames, kissing, messy messy feelings; unrequited love; cursing; arguments; crying; hurt/comfort; angsty angst; allusions to violence; miscommunication; jealousy
Series Masterlist
A/N: I continue to be overwhelmed by the love you all have given this series. I appreciate you all so much. Everyone who have commented, reblogged and followed- thank you so much. I love reading everything and I have had so much fun seeing everyone's reactions. It fills me with so much joy. Let me know what you think of this next chapter!
Please vote for Eddie or Steve in the poll at the end while it is live! The results will be how I end this series <3 BUT, if you want me to do an alternative ending as like a bonus chapter let me know cause I'd love to do that too.
His knuckles were white from his grip on the steering wheel, Steve felt like he lost control of his actions as he resolved to follow Eddie’s van. Eddie had said you wanted space, but now he’s here picking you up from the game? What the actual fuck. He’s fuming, the longer the night goes on. He should’ve just gone home, probably. But he was so angry at himself for taking forever, he couldn’t wait another second. He’d finally had the epiphany. He loves you. He wants you so badly, he can’t find it in him to care if he ruins everything.
Earlier that day, it had hit him all at once. That overwhelming, all encompassing realization that stopped him dead in his tracks. Robin had left for the day, and he was stuck behind the counter rewinding returned tapes. He’d been sitting with his own thoughts. He was thinking about that dream, and then he was also just thinking about you. You took up all his senses- all he could think about was you. He looked back on shared moments with you in a different light. So many moments between the two of you that would’ve been your start. How could he have not seen it, seen you, all this time?
Oh.
Oh.
He’d bailed on the rest of his shift at Family Video, fuck it. Keith wouldn’t fire him anyways. He knew Robin mentioned the game- of course you’d be there. He’d realized he loved you and didn’t want to waste another second. He wanted to find you in the crowd, climb up over the stands to whoever you were, and finally fucking kiss you. It was his grand gesture.
His plan would have worked, but it was easier said than done. The confidence he felt before was wiped from him when he saw the way your face fell. He thought you didn’t want to see him, and that you were upset to run into him. He misread your sadness for distaste and resentment. That brief moment made his whole world come tumbling down around him. You were sad because you missed him, but he didn’t know that. So his plan fumbled in a moment of panic.
Seeing you with Eddie had been his final straw. He felt like a ticking clock counting down was looming over his head. He was running out of time, he was losing you. He couldn’t let that happen. Was he going about it the right way? Probably not, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care in the least as he stormed over. Everything he’d been feeling was heightened. He was panicked and desperate and angry and so fucking jealous. This should’ve been him with you, driving you home in his car, and he had fucked that up.
Eddie remembers how nervous he was when he picked you up for the dance that Friday night. He’d done his best to tame his hair, and Wayne let him borrow his suit. Wayne had stayed to help with his tie and to give him a talking to about how to be a gentleman when Eddie went to pick you up.
“Actually go up to the goddamn door and knock. Say good evening to her parents,” Wayne instructed. “Make sure you hold her hand to help her down the stairs, open her car door, hold the door for her…”
“Wayne I know, I know,” Eddie fused, worried he was going to be late. “It’s not a date anyways,” Eddie insists, although he wished it was. Wayne scoffs.
“Whatever you say,” he said, rolling his eyes at Eddie.
“Lemme get a picture,” Wayne had insisted, stopping Eddie from running out the door. Grumbling the whole time, Eddie stood in their little kitchen while Wayne fumbled with his old camera. “You never look halfway decent, gotta capture it for the book.”
The photo is still hanging up on Wayne’s fridge to this day. Eddie has not worn a suit since.
Arriving at your house was so daunting to Eddie. He’d never really met your parents before. Just in passing when he’d pick you up or drop you off for school. He’d been to your house before, you’d hosted a few times for Hellfire- but it was never anything like this. This was special.
He went up to the door like Wayne instructed and he shook your dad’s hand. He was worried that they’d judge him- they would hate his hair or something. It’s the first time he’s relieved that his tattoos aren’t out on display. They were both kind to him, but he could tell they were not sure how to react to him. Self-conscious, he worried they were disappointed because he wasn’t Steve. Eddie wasn’t who they pictured for you. They envisioned you with Steve. That was they future they had planned.
Eddie thought you looked absolutely unreal that night. He always thought that those scenes where the girl makes her grand entrance and floats down the stairs were corny. Until it happened to him and it felt like time stopped. Your descent down the stairs after your mom called you down had Eddie in a trance. You were angelic in your dress, the one Eddie will pretend you bought for him- not for Steve. Eddie must have been staring with his mouth agape, because your father needed to clear his throat for Eddie to realize you’d been expectantly waiting for him to say something. Literally anything.
“You look beautiful,” Eddie marveled, and you giggled a shy thank you. A few hundred photos later and you both were finally on your way.
You were right, the Snow Ball was not Eddie’s scene at all. He didn’t like the music, or the people, but he was just so happy to be spending time with you that he couldn't care about literally anything else. You seemed happy too. Eddie thought you were glowing. He even danced to every song you wanted and took the cheesy photo booth pictures. You tore the photo strip in half so you could each have some. You use yours as a bookmark to this day and Eddie’s is still clipped to the visor in the van.
You’d hardly even noticed Steve the whole night. Eddie kept you on your feet and kept you laughing so hard your stomach hurt.
The bang on the side of the van made you jump. You both were startled. You watched as Eddie’s eyes widened as the panic set in for both of you. Neither of you had ever seen Steve like this, it wasn’t his nature. You both didn’t know what to do.
“Just wait here,” Eddie said comfortingly, before jumping out of the van. “I’ll talk to him.”
Steve stood outside waiting impatiently, his hands on his hips as his chest rapidly rose and fell. His hair was messy, as you watched from the side mirror, you could tell he’d been tugging at it- a nervous habit of his you knew quite well.
“What the fuck is this?” He accuses. Eddie offers his hands up in surrender jokingly.
“Come on Steve…”
“You told me she wanted space! Then you swoop in and pull this shit?”
“She did want space- not to be fucking ignored for weeks!” Eddie points out. “You had every opportunity and you just left her alone, so how long did you expect me to just stand around while you play these fucking mind games with her? I was the bigger person, Steve! I was willing to literally take myself out of the fucking equation if you both wanted each other- and you didn’t do shit!”
Steve looks towards the van and you make eye contact in the side mirror. He looks devastated under the outward projection of anger. It’s like you’re a million miles away. He can’t be too late. He just couldn’t. How is he supposed to just walk away after everything? Is this just it? He pleads that you’ll do something- say something- anything! Just tell him you still care.
You avert your gaze. Steve shallows harshly.
Eddie crosses his arms, and steps in front of Steve’s view of you. “Come on man,” Steve pleads, voice cracking. “Let me just talk to her.”
Eddie looks to you, and you shake your head “no.”
“How about you call her tomorrow when you cool off? You’re scaring her,” Eddie proposes.
“You don’t speak for her,” Steve argues. “Baby, please,” he pleads looking over Eddie’s shoulder.
Baby? Eddie fumes- he can not be serious.
You roll down the window a crack. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Steve. I don’t want to talk to you right now,” you shout from the van. Before he can respond, you crank the window back up.
“Fine,” Steve glares at Eddie. It’s not over, but he’ll concede for now- if it’s what you want. He slams his car door shut before speeding away, the car screaming as he pulled away as quickly as he could.
He knew his parents would be gone, so he opted to go to their house to crash tonight. He couldn’t bear facing Eddie back at their place after this.
You don’t even realize that you’d be crying until you feel Eddie’s arms pull you in for a hug. He rubs your back comforting you as you are shocked at what just happened.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” he mumbles into your hair before placing a kiss on the top of your head. “Let me bring you home, yeah?”
The ride back to your apartment is silent, neither one of you knowing what to say. Eddie doesn’t want to push, and you’re too exhausted to get into it. You rest your forehead on the cold glass of the window to help your head. Eddie wants to reach out and hold your hand as he drives, but he keeps his distance.
Eddie always walks you all the way to your front door, even after you’ve told him he doesn’t have to so many times. Wayne would kill me, he would joke. He held the door open for you so you could hop out. He held your arm, helping you navigate the icy walk. And he walked you upstairs to your apartment.
There’s a piece of paper taped to the front of the door.
I decided to spend the night at Vicky’s. Do with that information what you will. - Robin
“I don’t want to be alone,” you admit, a little panicked knowing you’d be walking into an empty apartment. Eddie sighs, biting his lip nervously. Steve is going to never want to see him again, he’s sure of it.
“I can stay if that would make you feel better?” He offers. You nod.
“Please.”
You pull the note down and toss it in the bin on your way inside. Eddie follows after you, kicking off his boots in the entryway. You both hang up your coats. You move over to the thermostat and turn it up. Eddie lingers in the living room, not quite sure what to do with himself. You both say nothing for a few moments.
“Eddie, I’m so sorry about all of this,” you say finally. “Just everything- everything is falling apart it feels like.”
“None of this is your fault- it’s really not anyone’s fault…well, except mine,” he says, like a confessional and he takes a step closer.
“Yeah,” you reply softly, matching his step.
The air in the room was thick with tension between the two of you. In the silence and still, there was a pull dragging you into each other.
“The whole thing is quite unfortunate really,” he contemplates, a knowing smile forming on his face. One step.
“Most unfortunate,” you whisper. One step. He reaches out and intertwines with fingers with his.
“Awful,” he whispers, tracing circles on your hands with his thumb gently. It sears through you completely.
He tilts his head and his lips ghost over yours. Your body feels like it’s on fire being so close to him. The first kiss is so delicate, and the familiar feeling ignites in you. It’s perfect, being held by him by this.
His lips are softer than you expect when they slot against yours. You let yourself forget about everything else in that moment- everything just melts away at his touch. Your brain melts at the sensation and warmth spreads throughout your whole body. You part your lips, inviting him to deepen the kiss and he does gladly.
Waiting for a kiss like this was worth it, Eddie thinks. All the nights he spent thinking about it and all the times he held back from touching you… all of it felt like nothing as you fill up all his senses. It’s almost too much.
“Sweetheart… please,” he begs, mumbling against your lips. His hands rest on the expanse of your back and the sensation sends a shiver up your spine. You gently tug by his belt loops closer to you, so your body is flush against his. You moan softly against his lips.
Without disentangling himself from you, he guides you as you walk backwards towards the door of your bedroom. His hands make everywhere on your skin burn in their wake as he brings them down your back, to your hip, then settle firmly on your ass. It makes you whimper.
The back of you knees touch the edge of your bed, and you let yourself fall backwards- pulling Eddie to climb on top of you. His hair tickles as it curtains your faces, and he leans in to press hot kisses to your jaw and down your neck, a hickey forming right where he ends just above your collarbone.
When he pulls back briefly, you take the opportunity to pull your sweater over your head and toss it to the floor. Eddie’s movements stutter, his eyes hungrily taking in all of the newly exposed skin. You were a vision. “Shit,” he breathes, “look at you.”
He wastes no time pulling his shirt over his head, tossing it somewhere behind him. Warmth rushes to your core at the sight of his tattoos, the subtle muscle under his pale skin, the chain around his neck, the happy trail that leads down to wear his jeans are hanging low on his hips and showing off a prominent bulge… you’re fucked. He sits up on his knees over your thighs and your body aches at the separation.
You watch as he takes his hair and gathers it together in his hands. Making a ponytail should not be this sexy, but it’s Eddie. He winks at you as he does when he notices the way you’re staring with your mouth open, heaving breathing.
“Take these off, sweetheart,” Eddie hums, nodding down to your jeans as he pulls the elastic from his wrist around to secure it in his hair. You’re face is warm as you nod, wiggling out of them and kicking them away. You’re left in just your bra and panties and spread out before him.
“These are so pretty,” he muses, teasingly, running his ringed fingers over the skin just above the edge of your panties. He kneels down on the floor at the foot of the bad, hooking your legs over his shoulders in one fluid motion. “So pretty,” he mumbles, pressing delicate, teasing kisses to your inner thighs as his hands rub up and down the length of your legs.
His eyes are directly in line with the wet spot that has formed on your panties. It aches, and you’re desperate for him to do something about it. Without him even touching you yet, you’re squirming in the anticipation that he will do something to soothe the sensation that has been building up in your core.
He presses a kiss to your heat over your panties, his nose pressing against your clit and the feeling makes you gasp, relieved for just the littlest amount of contact. Satisfied with your response to him, he hooks his thumb through your panties, and drags them aside- the metal of his rings feel cool against the hotness of your skin and it makes you flutter.
He grins devilishly, “All of this for me, pretty girl?”
One hand holds your panties, the other rests on your hip to hold you steady when Eddie wastes no time, devouring you. His nose against your clit, his tongue lapping at your arousal- it was too much. He was like a man starved. How dare you deny him this for so long. He was desperate to taste you, and he groans- he knew you’d be so fucking sweet. He just knew it.
He pulls back to rub his thumb over your clit, making circles that feel so good you could cry. You’re so needy, writhing in his arms as you feel a familiar knot form in your stomach. With his thumb firmly in place, he returns to latch his tongue back to you.
“Eddie,” you whine, your hands tangles in your sheets to stabilize yourself. Your head is spinning, and you know you’re so fucking close. “Please,” you cry desperately at the sensation, chasing your climax.
Eddie continues his pace, the exact way you need him to and he continues to work you through your first orgasm. He kisses your thighs when you finish and he smiles at you- his face glistening with your slick. Cheeky bastard. He kisses your legs, your stomach and all the way back up to your lips, tasting yourself on him. He tugs off your panties and tosses them on the floor. Something about making you cum, a switch flipped in Eddie.
He’s kissing you like he’s depending on it to survive, he’s feeling confident and desperate to do that again. He practically growls against your skin, face buried in your neck. He works off his jeans and boxers. Your mouth waters. He’s gorgeous fucking everywhere.
“Your turn,” you mumble, unhooking your bra, eyes wandering to Eddie’s hard cock. He shakes his head, kissing you again. Fuck if he doesn’t want that, but he can’t trust himself to not completely fall apart.
“Next time, sweetheart,” he promises, and you pout. “Need to fuck you,” he mutters against your lips, his blood breath heavy against yours. You moan at his words.
“Please, Eds,” you drawl, “need you inside me.”
He teases your entrance, the top of his cock so painfully close to pushing inside you. “I’m going to fuck you so good you’ll forget all about Steve, sweetheart.”
“Oh, fuck, Eddie please,” you whine, you hips trying to create some friction, already desperate and needy for another release. Oh, you liked that, Eddie muses. He can deliver.
“He doesn’t deserve this pretty pussy does he?” Eddie muses, pushing in just the tip of his cock, watching as you fall apart, desperate for more of him. “This perfect… fuck, tight pussy,” he moans, pushing himself fully into you.
“Can’t take care of you as good as I can,” he promises, thrusting into you at just the right, hitting that spot that makes your brain go stupid. You feel so full of him, you can’t imagine anyone feeling better than Eddie by the way he’s fucking into you.
“He’s never gonna fuck you as good as this,” Eddie promises. You can believe it. He leans down and kisses your neck, his hand massaging your breast, tugging gently at your hard nipple before giving the same care and attention to the other one as well. He whispers more filthy things against your neck, and you moan- your body responding to his so well.
“Fit around me so good, sweetheart,” he muses, hot kisses trailing over the stance of your neck, “you take my cock so well.”
“Such a good girl… making my cock all messy,” he praises, and then he presses his lips to yours in a desperately messy kiss. “Fuck, sweetheart…”
Tears threaten the corners of your eyes, it all is too good, too overwhelming. You’re so over sensitive from your first orgasm, you are reaching your peak again, all too quickly for your liking. You can’t help it- he feels too good and he’s so fucking attentive and fuck- you feel so close.
“Cum on my cock princess,” Eddie encourages, feeling you tighten around his cock. “you’re gonna look so good for me, let me see you cum for me, yeah?”
He holds your cheeks in his hand, your lips squished together as you look up at him, wide eyed. “You can do it, be a good girl and cum all over my cock,” he encourages. It’s just enough to make you fall apart all over again. Messy things spilling from your mouth as your body pulses and he continues his pace, working you through it- kissing your forehead.
Eddie pulls out, making a mess on your stomach as he cums. Exhausted, he collapses on the bed next to you. He kisses you softly, praising you for being so good for him. It makes you feel like putty. He disappears for a second, disappearing behind the door. He comes back with water for you and a warm cloth. He kisses you, making you take the water from him, and then he cleans you up gently, kissing your body all over after the job is done.
You don’t know what you’re going to say to Steve. All you care about now, is burrowing yourself into Eddie’s chest. For the first time in weeks, you and Eddie both actually sleep soundly, limbs tangled together- your bodies intertwined.
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#eddie munson#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x female reader#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson fanfic#x reader#steve harrington x f!reader#steve harrington x reader#angst#steve harrington angst#eddie munson angst#stranger things#stranger things fanfic#stranger things fan fiction#eddie munson x y/n#steve harrington x y/n#eddie munson x fem!reader#steve harrington x fem!reader#love triangle#fan fiction#eddie x reader#steve x reader#stranger things x reader#joe keery characters#joe quinn characters#stranger things fic#eddie munson fan fiction#steve harrington fan fiction#eventual smut#smut
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the latest chapter of SH! 💛 charles going feral over the not-even-real-possibility of lewis adding max to his collection of blond WDC champions and also just thinking about charles pretty much pissing all over HIS red bull golden boy, that really hits the spot! thank you!
but also in another ask you said that max may consider the whole eye injury water under the bridge but charles not, and that made me think of the grudge you can hold onto someone over them hurting the people you love and how hard it’s to let go. In this case clearly lewis isn’t at fault but i’m wondering of how hard it has been for charles to deal with those negative thoughts in a high pressure environment. i know you mostly feel comfortable writing from max’s pov but any chance we can get a bit into charles’ mind?
Hi anon! I meant to respond to this much earlier but it got stuck in my brain and actually manifested as a little snippet, so here's a tiny peek behind the curtain! hopefully it's a little bit more insight? feel free to ask more questions if you have them :)
Charles is trying not to grit his teeth, though if the glare Silvia is sending his way is any indication, he's failing.
They're getting ready for the fan stage, and Charles keeps checking his phone, making sure he isn't missing any messages from Max.
They're in Monaco for the race, and normally it is one of Charles' favorite races, and Max was supposed to be here in the garage today, but he'd had a flare-up this morning, dry heaving and dizzy. Charles hadn't wanted to leave him, but Max had gotten decently close to biting his head off, shoving him to the doorway.
"If you want to be worried I cannot stop you, but at least be driving while you are doing it."
Now, though-
Charles isn't sure how he's meant to do this fanstage. He's been civil with Lewis, hasn't let his roiling resentment sneak into their interactions, professional or personal, but it's only a matter of time.
It's harder on days like today, where Charles has left his boyfriend sick at home, suffering from something that many very well never leave him, when Max could be- should be here, racing with them, racing with Charles.
Everyone has idolized Lewis at some point in their lives, and Charles is no different, had admittedly been excited to find out he was joining the team, but the end of last season, and this one-
It's left a sour taste on his tongue. He doesn't hold Lewis on a pedestal anymore, how can he, when he has slipped into Charles' home, driving the color that belongs to Charles, belongs to Ferrari, refuses to address his legacy with Max the same way he refuses to talk about any other rivals.
Charles can't stand it. He couldn't care less about Nico and Seb- well, maybe a little bit about Seb- but to do the same to Max. Charles' Max, the Max that fought his way onto the grid, fought his way through the hate, fought himself into a competitive car, and a team that loved him, the Max that deserves to be on the grid today-
To see Lewis instead, who has been driving since before Max and Charles were on the grid, and still is, it makes his fingers curl.
Maybe he's just having a bad day. He knows he needs to pull the nice boy face back on, but he's having trouble finding it, when the car is competitive this year, when he and Lewis are both bringing home points.
It doesn't matter, at the end of the day, what Lewis is capable of, because he is driving for Ferrari, but he is not Ferrari, doesn't have rosso corsa beating fast through his veins, doesn't have the prancing horse as a thundering heartbeat.
He's a Mercedes boy, a wolf at heart, and that will ruin him, here. Ferrari does not take wolves. Ferrari takes sacrifices, bleating lambs, brought to the alter young and innocent, and only the most devoted get to live, get to have the honor of bringing the team to glory, the privilege of representing the legacy. Only the most treasured become the shining eye of the tifosi, and to get it all at once, to be a model driver, a living breathing manifestation of the Scuderia- it only comes around once every few generations of drivers.
Seb couldn't do it, and neither could Fernando. Lewis will not be capable either.
Charles has it.
It may not have been intentional, but Max has left Charles a mantle, a legacy, one final way to etch their names together forever, intertwined in a way no media or sports magazine could ever brush past, like so much of their lives and careers, tangled together to the very end.
Charles Leclerc will not let Lewis Hamilton get his eighth title.
A hand claps down on his shoulder, gives him a friendly squeeze.
"Hey man, you ready?"
Charles checks his posture, unclenches his jaw, and smiles at Lewis, but there's nothing friendly about it. It's the most Charles will let himself have, tiny little slips in the mask, unsettling for Lewis and unnoticeable for anyone else around them.
"Of course."
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SEASON FINALE
After dinner, Morgan gets the kids ready for bed but Dirk paces back and forth throughout their bedroom waiting on her to come in. She finally makes her way into the room. Dirk is standing there watching her and a dark feeling fills her gut.
Morgan: What's wrong with you? Dirk: Nothing.
Morgan: Why are you yelling? What's wrong with you? Dirk: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME MORGAN!
Morgan: I need you to calm your ass down and talk to me like I'm a human being right now. Relax.
Dirk: This is a lot, Morgan. Morgan: What's a lot? Dirk: This. *waves hands in circle* All of this.
Morgan: What? The kids? The house? Me? Us? What?! Dirk: All of it. I don't... I can't deal with it.
Morgan: Please, Dirk, I swear to God. Tell me you're joking right now. Dirk: I'm not. Morgan: That's why you've been going on all these trips and staying out late?
Dirk: *Silence* Morgan: You piece of shit! You've been doing all that extra work to avoid being here with your family? THE FAMILY YOU WANTED?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Dirk: It's too much. There's noise non-stop and always something to do. There's never any real peace here anymore. Morgan: Dirk... This is what you wanted. This is what we wanted. Now, after all this time... You finally come home... You kids happy to see you... Just to say you don't like being around them?
Dirk: That's not what I'm saying- Morgan: That's exactly what you're saying. You made the bed and now you don't want to lay in it. You can't handle the pressure or responsibility. What the fuck Dirk?
Dirk: I'm just saying that I need a break. I can't do this all the time. Morgan: But fuck me, huh? I have to do it all the time? Fuck me? Dirk: Morgan that's not what I'm saying. *steps forward*
Morgan: Don't you dare touch me. Dirk: Morgan, I'm... Morgan: You don't have to say it. You show it every single day. You show it in the way that you act! Dirk: I do what I do to provide. That's why I work so much.
Morgan: Oh motherfucker, swallow it! Don't try to change the tone and mood now that you hear how fucking dumb you sound. I do what I do to provide. You do what YOU do to avoid. I get up everyday and make sure that everyone in this house has 3 meals a day, gas in their cars, clean clothes, a clean house to come home too while also still managing my business from home. I never miss a fucking programming meet. I never miss a fucking football game. I never miss a fucking soccer game, talent show, awards show, and anything that my kids do.
Morgan: How dare you say something so insensitive and degrading? Those 6 out there, love you. I love you and you stand right here and act like fuck this family. You hate being here- Dirk: I don't hate- *walks away*
Morgan: You do. You resent it. You thought you wanted to be a family man but you changed... just like the seasons. You'd rather work from sun up to ass crack, than be here to see the fruit of your seed. It's always been fuck me so I don't care how you treat me but you make a decision now. Dirk: It was never fuck you. Morgan: It was fuck me after you made me feel like shit for having a hysterectomy. Something that I dreaded. But you will not, NEVER disrespect the lives of my children.
Dirk: Morgan, I want to be here for them but... Morgan: But not all the time. I get it. So let me tell you your 2 options. 1 you either fully invest and be the best damn dad that you can be or.... Dirk: Or what?
Dirk: WHAT MORGAN?!
Morgan: Or you get the fuck out.
Dirk is caught off guard and his heart is broken. He feels awful about what's happening right now. He doesn't want it to end like that but he sees a look on Morgan's face that he's never seen before. She's checked out.
Dirk: Morgan do you hear what you're saying? Morgan: I hear myself loud and clear. Do you hear what I'm saying? I cannot deal with you and your "when I want too" attitude. It's annoying. It's aggravating. It's childish. I take up for myself and my 6 kids. They don't need someone in their life who wants to be there... ALL THE TIME. So what are you going to do? Dirk: That's not fair.
At the door, Daze and DJ are listening. Their own bodies shaking and full of fear about their parents. DJ is livid by hearing the words from his dad's mouth and Daze feels like regardless, they'll be okay.
Morgan: Get out. Dirk: Morgan, I.. Morgan: You can't even look me in my face right now and tell me that you want to be here. That you want this life because you don't. You want to leave.. It's in your body language, you just don't want us to be mad.
Dirk sighs full of defeat. Morgan shakes her head and steps out of his way.
Morgan: You win dude. Don't go through here slamming doors and being mad. Do what you gotta do in silence, don't wake up my damn kids. Dirk: Morgan. Morgan: Goodnight.
Daze and DJ scurry away as Morgan opens the bedroom door. She sees them but she is too livid to even scold them. She sits on the couch and waits as Dirk packs some suitcases to leave. He walks past her and pauses but she holds her hand up to stop him before he even speaks. She points at the door and Dirk walks by with his head down.
He can't even look back as he walks outside the large house. He hears the lock click behind him and he feels like to world's biggest loser. Inside Morgan sighs a achy, heart broken sigh. She goes to bed and holds her breath not wanting to address her kids tomorrow.
In the end, life goes on. Even if it means we grow apart.
#sims4#sims 4 screenshots#the sims 4#simblr#sims 4 gameplay#sims 4#the sims#sims#sims community#thesims#ts4 simblr#ts4#ts4 gameplay#ts4 legacy#ts4 screenshots
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Tag requested by @emmg ! Very late to this party, as usual. Doing this made me realize how much I miss my girl Ariadne. I'd like to think our Rooks would be tight ngl, I think their wine fueled girls nights would be both legendary, and not for the faint of heart
LUST: desire for connection. pursuit of pleasure. emotional intelligence. obsessive. lovesick. one-night stands. seductive encounter. flirtatious conversation. erotic party. seductive attire. revealing clothing. passionate gaze. provocative makeup. sensual expressions. suggestive gestures. flirtatious smiles. lingerie. love letters. perfumes. provocative behavior. love poems. erotic art.
→ Her sexuality and carnal desires/expertise are fully weaponized. A professional heart-breaker, full time tease, she's an adventurous hottie and makes no bones about it. Baby gets what baby wants (◡‿◡✿) Emmrich's sentimentality, affection, and emphasis on the tender and romantic make her a tad squeamish. Doting nags that she's undeserving, being she never really experienced it prior, but she only has herself to blame. My snarly chihuahua girl snapped at any hand that offered it before him.
GLUTTONY: indulgence in experiences. savoring moments. hospitality. generosity. hedonism. culinary expertise. wine-tasting. excessive snacking. overloaded plates. excessive portions. bloated stomachs. messy eating. greasy fingers. full tables. indulgent spreads. overflowing cups. satisfied expressions. wine bottles. just can’t get enough. fast food wrappers.
→ Once settled in Emmrich's swanky Nevarran town home, she regularly plays hostess to get the gang together again. My Italian loves to feed people, and that's something I've given her. That girl has perfected 'Artcuterie'. Lots of poured wine and scream-laughing. She's happiest when she's a tiny blonde blur around the table pouring re-fills, fixing someone seconds, etc. She even loves that hazy, post-social high when it's just Neve and Lucanis lingering behind. Taking her time while cleaning up at the end of the night, in a comfortable, reflective lull of Emmrich's cigar smoke, and rumbles of laughter.
Her since refined palate does not absolve her weakness for deliberately unhealthy, cheap, greasy-spoon slop. When she gets pregnant all she wants is whatever the Thedas equivalent of disco fries is. She absolutely does not share in Emmrich's veganism.
ENVY: motivation. competitive spirit. strategic planning. observational skills. bitter rivalry. contest. envious gossip. resentment-filled argument. social media jealousy. furrowed brows. clenched jaws. side-eye looks. pursed lips. tense posture. whispering behind backs. crossed arms. gossip magazines. keeping up with the joneses. the grass is always greener. feeling inadequate.
→ She can be a vicious little thing, with a mean jealous streak. Though she likes to pretend it's not the case, she absolutely has something to prove. Largely to do with her parental abandonment, her ultimate dismissal from the Watch, etc. etc. Emmrich has never given her cause to doubt herself, though one of these days I'll get around to a oneshot just to explore what an insufferable bitch she'd be; catching him with an old flame in an horrifically unfortunate misunderstanding. No part of me think's that any part of her would believe him capable of such behavior, but crazed and jealous? Could be fun idk !
GREED: resourcefulness. entrepreneurial spirit. negotiation. materialistic. aggressive investment. lavish spending spree. resource-hoarding. get-rich-quick schemes. auction-bidding war. property acquisition. piles of money. overflowing wallets. luxury items. locked safes. penny-pinching. rare collectibles. selfishness. unwillingness to share.
→ She likes luxury and shiny things, what can I say. She never experienced wealth before Emmrich, and he's as willing to indulge The Princess as much as she's willing to milk him for it. Not that it's entirely selfishly driven - she needs the premium self-care products, pretty jewels and clothing to keep herself dolled up and pretty for daddy, obviously
SLOTH: calmness. stress management. nonchalance. relaxation techniques. lethargic. apathetic. inactive. lazy weekend. binge-watching marathon. neglected chores. skipped workout. long nap. lounging on the couch. missed deadlines. unkempt appearance. messy hair. pajamas. blankets. slippers. procrastination station. self-care routines.
→ She's for sure not a napper, she couldn't shut her brain off midday and then function afterwards. She's either on and non-stop, manic energy, or she's shut off for the weekend. There's no middle ground. She's either productive or she's not. She's super woman, or she's a cave troll. Either sleek and done up to the nines, or a bum.
PRIDE: confidence. self-assurance. self-respect. dignity. public speaking. self-promotion. arrogant. conceited. egotistical. self-important. vain. boastful speech. puffed chest. raised chin. smug smiles. spotlight. tooting your own horn. showing off. refusing to admit mistakes. feeling entitled. personal branding. leadership development.
→ She knows her good looks and her confidence are intoxicating. She knows her adeptness with the Fade is a thing to envy, but this girl is a MESS. She's on her game until she's absolutely not.
WRATH: assertiveness. decisiveness. strength. intensity. boundary setting. courage. indignant. heated arguments. road rage incident. physical altercation. angry outburst. clenched fists. glaring eyes. tense muscles. raised voices. reddened faces. aggressive gestures. stormy demeanour. intense frowns. destructive actions. broken objects. punching bag. out for blood. fists. simmering anger.
→ She knows what she wants, and how she wants it - and she wants it when she wants it. Patience is not one of her virtues. When you're small, weakness can be assumed. Often, short/un-assuming statures go hand in hand with feistiness, and certainly in her troubled youth she made up for her size with her mouth (see: scar on her nose). As she aged and got a better handle on her magic she sort of simmered down, but Emmrich was being polite when he mentioned the rumors he had heard of a certain young Watcher sneaking out to be a little menace. I took his brat-taming so seriously but he's only sometimes successful with this one
She's got a hot-head and a short fuse. She explodes. Her tongue is venom, her glare is lethal and her edge cuts even herself. But when she's in the wrong, she goes above and beyond to make up for it. She's exhausting.
No pressure tags! @xxnashiraxx @khywren @obsessedwhyyes @bardic-inspo @verbenaa @jainydoe @crepsley dish about your OCs pretty pls
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if kh4 wants to be good it’s gotta have like sora excitedly telling strelitzia all about his best friends and how great they are but then it cuts to them acting insane
like ‘my buddy riku is really cool and heroic!’ he’s always got a clear rational head’ ((cuts to riku flipping over cars and/or threatening ppl in quadratum screaming ‘WHERE IS SORA’))
‘oh oh oh and kairi is so kind and brave… her pure and strong heart never falters!’ ((cuts to kairi having a full-on mental breakdown blubbering and sobbing in aqua’s arms))
#you could add on here about his other friends but we gotta at least do these two#does anyone else see my vision#newsflash sora no one is coping well with your disappearance#kingdom hearts#kh#kh4#mine: kh#destiny trio#i love sora but like. i think he Missed A Lot during that year he was asleep lol#he doesn’t even know what riku did to roxas and xion#does he know how much kairi resents being abandoned again and again#etc#they would never play anything like this for humor even remotely. but like#consider
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I just think Tallulah gets to be upset about this. “It’s not Wilbur’s fault” “He’s not a bad dad” “He loves his daughter so much” yes! These are all true! And it’s not his fault! But he’s still not there. And Tallulah has gone through so much and still hasn’t seen him, the one time he was around was the one time she wasn’t, and all she has are letters and “I’m thinking of you always” and things that used to be theirs together, but he’s still not there. She’s waited and she’s been patient and she’s loved him all the same, and he’s still not there. Like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, from the happy milestones to the traumatic events, he’s still not there.
She knows that it’s not his fault, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s absent. That in and of itself just adds to the sorrow, because she knows why he’s gone, and she’s been told time and time again it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, she knows this - it doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting, that it doesn’t hurt, that she doesn’t yearn for her father to be there more than anything in the world, and he’s just not there.
So yes, she gets to be upset, and be caustic, and stomp her feet and write bitter messages, and be angry and vitriolic, because she’s a little girl missing her father, who feels things with her whole heart and soul - and that means she gets to feel the ugly parts of it, too.
#it’s like no wilbur isn’t at fault. especially if we’re talking about cc wilbur. but fuck man of course she’s gonna feel like this#this doesn’t make wilbur a bad person! he’s just a missing one. and Tallulah feels all the misery and bitterness as a daughter left behind#where is her father kissing her injuries and reassuring her? where is her father protecting her? hugging her at the end of the day?#Wil isn’t around to do this and she wants him back and he’s not going to be back. not for a while. and it’s not his fault but it doesn’t#stop it from being upsetting. she’s a little girl#and at least she has phil. her dad. who’s there time and time again. and it doesn’t make him somehow morally better or wtevr. he’s there an#Wil is not. and he’s going to continue to be there as a solid figure in tallulahs life that she needs#idk man like. fuck#lmao relating my own experiences from here below in the tags ✌️#as someone who’s been in that position? a parent absent for reasons outside of control? yeah it’s sucks. and I love them and they love me#*with a parent I mean I wasn’t the parent lmao#and it will never be the same. and when they were gone and missing things I was furious at them#that resentment grows and then it fades and sometimes bitterness strikes again and it’s how it goes. love is still there#and it’s no one’s fault. it just is. and what is is messy#anyways#mcyt#qsmp#q!tallulah#q!wilbur#z speaks
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i dont think my brain can conceptualize love. or at least from the information i gather
#inspired by me experiencing another failed family event and also talking to a 16 year old#whos in a relationship right now#and i know teenage love yea#but its still a form of love#and i realized. that is always what i yearned for#and i never got it. shes living what i will never have. and never will tbh#because i dont think im able to feel love. even familial love is shakey. to me#i love you because youre my mom and you are part of me and you have took care of me and i find your presence comforting as i have always#known it. is that love? or do i feel like im obligated to love you because otherwise im ungrateful of what ive been given and i hurt someone#who has given me her life for mine in a sense. is that love?#because you also hurt me. i also feel at my worst around you. so it cant be right?#and i love you because youre my dad and im concerned for your health and i know how much you have given up for me#and id give anything to get a fraction of that for you back. is that love?#or is it an obligation. is it guilt. because i cant share my deepest secrets with you#i cant share what i enjoy or listen to. because you dont really care. you only really care about whats yours#and thats fine. but i dont know if thats “love”. or im tethered to you like guilt#and i love you because youre my brother and you were my first friend and first guide in life#but i dont know. how much of that is guilt#because of what resentment you feel towards our parents that i have to take your side lest you cast me aside too#i feel like i am loved on conditions. or did i set these myself? i dont know how much it has been pushed on me nd how much it is#self inflicted#i feel like i also love on a condition. and i dont like it#i want to feel unconditional love towards a person. i dont think i can#when love feels so much like a chore and an expectation#i cant love you i cant miss you i cant think about you#is that my fault? am i broken? is it me whos evil? is it me whos cold?#or have i just been left on my own to figure out how to be loved and how to love back#without feeling
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— I'm a little liar, I am. August 28, 2024.
#i think about her a lot#about what i resent and what i loved and what i miss and what i don't#i loved her very much#i think in her own way she loved me very much too even if i didn't listen and didn't turn out how she wanted#thoughts on thoughts 💭#writing#poetry#on life#poem#about my grandmother#family things#its 1am and this is what i wrote today i guess
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Sometimes I watch/read a piece of media, and even when I don't ship something I can see that these people are meant to mean a lot to each other or have some sort of profound relationship. It's a relationship that is never labeled as siblings, nor is it labeled as romantic
And I gotta say, you guys need to be able to reconcile the fact that not all relationships will be easily sorted into "siblings" or "lovers", or even "siblings" or "lovers" or "just friends"
Headcanons, fanon, things you personally like to read into for fun, all of those things are neat. But genuinely. It's fucking annoying reading meta of a relationship where the characters are canonically friends or teammates and are shown to mean something to each other, and people assume that these characters having a familial relationship or being basically lovers (the exception is if the essay post itself is dissecting their relationship for interpretive reasons. Like, for example, if you're making a case for why people would ship a thing or what would make someone read two characters as in love) is baseline canon that everyone should accept as true.
It is imperative for you to be able to dissect strong or meaningful relationships in media (if you fancy yourself being or becoming skilled with it) by looking at it for what it is and picking it apart instead of assuming that it must be canonically familial or canonically romantic when the media in question has only ever labeled these two people as either "friends" or "coworkers"/"partners"/"party members"
#i just be ramblin#fandom wank#sorry sorry I see this a lot#so this is a general post#but like I also read all of Dungeon Meshi and I resent that people just shove Marcille and Laois's relationship under 'siblings'#like you don't gotta read it as romantic. I personally don't see it like that. But they mean a great deal do each other in a specific way#and you guys genuinely can only do either 1 of 3 things#1. Say it just means Marcille is Laois' love interest#2. Say that Marcille and Laois are siblings (which I know a lot of people jump to because they like Farci1le and read Marcille as a lesbian)#because if they don't I guess people could interpret it as ship🤷#3. Say that Marcille secretly hates Laois#But I didn't say romance for no reason in this post either#because although I really like Farcille‚ other people have written essays about how people shove them under the 'basically canon romance'#umbrella and ignore all the complexities of it. I do genuinely think you can read into romance for that‚ but it is truly not as simple as#'they're basically canon girlfriends' or 'At this point Marcille knows she wants Falin romantically they just haven't become girlfriends yet#And I feel the same way about Sonic and Tails in general and Sonic and both Tails and Nine in Sonic Prime#baseline what's canon is the friendship angle. that's what's pushed and shown 99% of the time#And people are genuinely stifling deeper readings and just missing the point (or frankly ignoring anything prime actually tried to do) when#they just call Sonic and Nine or Sonic and Tails 'brothers' and just move on#You don't have to ship shit#you can like headcanons#But by god please. Understand that there is more to profound relationships than reducing them to lovers or siblings/parent&child#Just try doing some relationship picking apart and how it connects to the themes without just jumping to calling them canon siblings (or in#some cases canon lovers) and just moving on#Enjoy the complex relationships for what they are and separate headcanon from canon I beg
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truth is SOME BITCHES OUT THERE are boring as fuck.
I miss the old days when we were all fucked in the head and down for whatever novelty take/approach we had to these characters in this DARK FANTASY trilogy we adore.
not..... you know. who is the nicest character doing the nicest things in the nicest way.
#god forbid we have fun anymore like jesus!!!!#i'm so sorry i answered a fucking ask#iykyk#i miss talking for hours and hours and HOURS about all the fucked up insane unhinged stuff Damen and Laurent did to each other#instead of trying to cleanse them from their faults and severe personality flaws#if you want it baby i can make a post JUST LIKE MY PREVIOUS ONE#about Laurent abusing Damen for YEARS and Damen choosing to stay with him out of guilt#finding excuse upon excuse to overlook the damage Laurent's doing to him because in Damen's head it is his fault Laurent even acts like tha#because it was his killing Auguste that offset years of suffering for Laurent#so laurent hurts him PHYSICALLY and on purpose again and again but Damen stays and never lets anyone intervene#because most of all he loves laurent#while most of all Laurent resents Damen while refusing to let him go#just because of how afraid he is of being alone -- and how much deep down he enjoys inflicting pain onto Damen as pay back for Auguste#like?????#it goes both ways love -- they are TOXIC people#both of them#but then#i suppose you didn't send the ask did you? what a shame#i guess abusive damen is what we got for lunch today 🤭
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#im probably gonna be spending a lot of my life mourning my sisters and my relationship#we were so close but now we dont really talk outside of gatherings#i dunno#we're both living our own lives and it takes two to be distant#theres a lot of things i hate about her and its probably mostly stuff that hits my own insecurities#i used to come to her with all kinds of things#now its like she doesnt respond to my lil reachings out so like i dunno#we work for the same fucking college for fucks sake#im prolly always gonna resent her for applying and moving here without telling me and just having me hear second hand#like yes im not blameless but also like fuck her#i continue to prove i dont need her but also i miss her#we only hurt each other when we do talk#the fact my old coworker reminded me of her so much was probably part of why i hated her so bad#fuck people who think theyre better than me (read people i think are better than me)#my mom called today and thats whats got me thinking like this#im great#people love me#im loved#honestly my familys where i get all my abandonment issues#im better off without all of them but by god if thats gonna stop me from like feeling the ache of their absence like a phantom limb
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as a huge batjokes shipper i want batman and joker to hate each other in the sense they dont really hate each other, they just have really different goals and see their own version of potential in the other and right now hate is the best word for their situationship. they both love the other for what they could be but neither of them wants to be what the other one wants, and that's equally as frustrating as it is necessary for them to keep existing in their current roles. they're deadlocked and that fate surrounding each other is kind of the point -- we both have to be like this, the opposite of what the other wants, for us to keep existing at all, and for giving me that gift i both love and hate you. it's an agreement. i think the hate that's there now is born from an intense underlying love.
i think batman "hates" joker for being so amazing and smart and cunning, for being able to create grand gestures and schemes, to pull people together under his charisma and make them all believe in something, for being as extraordinary as he is but batman hates that he uses it to hurt people. he hates that joker can't channel his energy into doing something good for the world, that he hurts himself and others just because he wants to be batman's greatest enemy. i think batman wants to help joker but also hates him at this point for joker exhausting him, constantly getting hurt both emotionally and physically by him, joker never trying to improve his situation, throwing away other people's lives, showing batman he loves him by lashing out and hurting him. batman hates joker because he loves his rogues, he wants to help them, and he knows they can do better. he wants to live in a gotham that doesn't need batman but he still needs to be needed, because when there's no batman, what is bruce going to be? without joker, he will continue being batman, but it's an empty crusade. some of my favorite interactions between harvey and bruce are the ones where harvey thanks bruce for "always being there for me, never giving up on me, my very best friend." even with someone like harvey, bruce can still hold onto that hope for his rogues, never give up on them, keep going for them, even if it puts them through the cycle one more time.
i think joker hates batman in the most toxic way possible, but it's still love. i just think he's selfish and doesn't want batman to think about anyone else but him, the same way he operates for batman, but if he must think about other people then joker will make it as amazing as possible! i think he hates batman for wasting his time on ordinary people, people who are so boring that batman claims he has to protect and serve and love them but joker thinks it's all surface-level. batman won't kill joker but he'll leave room for people dying in his crusade. it's a choice he allows, and even if joker knows that's a morally fucked up way to put someone in a box, he doesn't care. batman is the type of person to train himself mentally and physically for decades and dress up in a half-silly-half-menacing costume so that everyone can have an idea about him. batman himself is not normal, and joker knows that and loves that! why is he wasting his time trying to save people that use him, abuse him, don't want him to be the best he can be? i think joker's motivations for loving batman and lashing out as if he hates him lie somewhere in between extreme admiration -- like i truly believe in your cause and that you're the right person to do it, but i'm so angry at you for wasting your time on other people and i'm so hurt and jealous that you choose them over me, just so you can be a hypocrite and let them die if i want them to anyways -- and anger at his hypocrisy -- like it's easy for joker to dedicate himself to chaos and just being in batman's life by putting batman in situations that force him to be a better and better hero, but how can batman sit there and choose and pick what morals he'll uphold and who gets to live and who gets to die?
i want to be your greatest enemy because you are the greatest hero ever, and the only way you and i can keep being the best at what we do is if we do it together, because of what we both believe in.
#does this make sense. they love each other because theyre perfect for each other#but in order to create that perfection they have to do things that build resentment#and in order to ebb that resentment they have to be in constant flux. back and forth. ebb and flow. good and evil. chaos and order.#obsession and indifference.... the two themes i think we miss out on the most bc it hurts when indifference is the opposite of love#and obviously these two cannot be indifferent toward the otther#but when they have plots that do they really fucking hurt!#like when lex luthor comes into the picture and helps joker and joker starts to make batman a little jealous#like okay maybe i dont need you to obsess over maybe any strong ideals can overtake me if u lnow what i mean#and then suddenly batmans gotta prove how well he knows joker and has to be on top of him at all times#um anyways i hope these kind of! made sense!!!!!!!!! djhdkjghijsdfhksdfh#like ideally i think joker just wishes he had batman all to himself but knows he has to share#and hes such a jealous baby that he makes it hard for batman bc of it#and batman is like yes joker jesus fucking christ i love you too but you have to let me have friends#and u have to stop killing people#and jokers like why are you friends with murderers and liars and thieves but IM BAD?#and batmans like bc i actually love everyone and want to help you all and that includes u#and jokers like jo fuck you hypocrtie hahaha see at least in my loneliness i have no laurels to rest on#and bruce is like i may struggle with my morals often but that is only because im always figuring out the best way to keep helping everyone#and if i lose sight of that ill go blind and be like you and then u wont have me anymore#lol sometimes funny tag convos get the dynamic better than the meaty posts#long post#anyways sorry i just havee 2937973957273 thoughts about them and so does everyone and i wanna throw my hat in
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You ever had a friendship where like you kind of faded out of each other's lives for a period of time and then re-bonded without ever really addressing the distance so now every time one of you mentions something you never told the other one during The Dark Time you both just have to be like "yeah, this massive thing that happened to me that we didn't talk about at the time but I totally wanted to tell you about but it felt like I couldn't talk to you but I'm also not gonna say it was your fault because I don't want to drive you away again but I know and you know exactly what it is we're not talking about"
#like. i dont blame her for what happened#she was going through a lot of bullshit and i was getting into my current relationship with our mutual friend#and the mutual friend in question it turns out had rejected her like a month and a half before asking me out#so like. things were weird and i dont blame her for not wanting to make a whole thing out of it#and i also get how it would be hard to see me like that with someone you had interest in#but also from my perspective at the time i started dating a boy i liked and my best friend just decided she couldnt be around me anymore#and even though i now have the full context and it doesnt hurt as badly theres still a part of me carrying resentment over it#ive stopped pretending this is relatable content and now im just using the tags on this post as my diary#like on the one hand i know this friendship is worth it because we're stronger than ever now#and shes gotten so much better about vulnerability and admitting i matter to her and communicating in general#but on the other hand it just keeps feeling like theres this elephant in the room that neither one of us has any idea how to address#and like i dont even know if it would be better if we did address it#like 'hey btw i know you had a crush on my now bf and tried to kiss him one time and then didnt tell me when he shrugged you off'#'i also know how much you tried to pretend it didnt hurt you but you distanced yourself from half your friends to avoid having to face it'#'and at the time it was rly frustrating because you acted like me being happy in a healthy relationship was a personal inconvenience to u'#'but i understand now and i forgive you and im glad you came back around eventually because i love you and i missed you'#or can all of those things just remain unsaid and understood
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Antisocial era
#im tired#i want to go out! i want to see people and friends and just hang out even if its while studying#but i cant bring myself to it#why should i ask if im probably gonna bore them? idk what to talk about#and lately i feel like everything k do is make people feel pity and like they have to comply#i dont want to make people resent me for making them do stuff they dont want#just thinking i have to interactwith people tomorrow (even if iknow all of them are lovely) fills me with dread#i couldnt being myself to go to class because i felt like i would cry or get too anxious#i can justhope it passes soon#i miss people and hugs and everything but i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable#so i guess i will just keep being in bed all day#haunted.txt#i should.be asleep. i cant even sleep now
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How to explain to normal people how deeply I relate to Maki Zenin and Sanemi Shinazugawa without sounding like I’m so fucking unstable and need therapy five times a week. How to explain that it’s not just the inherent anger with the world they feel, because I do fully fully relate to that as well but that’s surface level. Yes I am angry, but their reasons for the anger?? Their relationships to their younger siblings???? How the fuck am I supposed to say that I get it. I get that fucked up relationship to your younger siblings, and how so much of you hinges on that identity as the Eldest Sibling but specifically the failed eldest sibling. I so deeply understand Maki and her want to live for herself, damn the consequences her sister received for it, because it’s her life, if she wants to live it spiteful and angry and for herself and against her family in every way she damn well should be able to, who cares if her sister is dragged in and suffers for it. Who cares if she has to learn to grow up and suffer the same ways. Until suddenly you do care and by then it’s too late, you can’t go back, you can’t make it easier for her, you can’t make her happier, and by the time you maybe want to try it’s far too late. I understand Sanemi and the pain and anger you feel when you’ve watched your younger siblings suffer far too long before ultimately losing them and never getting the chance to help them live better. I get pushing them away from you and treating them far less than they deserve in an attempt to drive them away because you’re just going to make it worse, you’re living the hard life, you’re the target, you’re the bad influence, so if they’re not close to you, they’re less likely to get dragged in. But they do anyway and then you cut off that relationship for nothing but because they’re younger siblings they forgive you and still want it but you don’t deserve it so you don’t let them and it just keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and until you lose them forever. Until you’re the Eldest Sibling who no longer has younger siblings to be the Eldest Sibling for, you fucked it up and sure life didn’t help all that much but a good chunk of it is your own damn fault. And I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m so so so fine
#I am having a TIME this morning it’s fine it’s okay#I miss my siblings but idk what to do about that I can’t do anything about that#and seeing my relationships to my siblings mirrored in these two characters is making me want to fucking scream#why did *I* get the tragic sibling character arc why couldn’t I have gotten one of the amazing powerful ones about how close siblings are#and how much they love each other and how nothing can separate them#why did *I* get ruined relationships with five kids that I thought I hated until I realized I didn’t I loved them but what’s it matter#because loving them results in the same thing resentment and dislike did#it’s fine I’m fine going to email my mom a summary of maki and sanemi’s character arcs and see if that clues her in to anything 😭😭#also hate hate haaaate how cringey it is that it took seeing these storylines and everything play out for these two characters to fully#conceptualize and process my relationship to and feelings regarding my own siblings#so THANKS to these two I guess now I just miss them when before I had convinced myself I didn’t#BCJDJDJSJS tragic eldest siblings WHAT have you done to me#kaz rambles
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