#i couldnt being myself to go to class because i felt like i would cry or get too anxious

[tortademaracuya]

Antisocial era

[shhh-no-ones-home]

future friends 1/2

james 'logan' howlett

+++++++++

part two

shes not edited so sorry in advance lol

im mad i cant write whump for this man so have some angst instead. because if we cant help heal outside wounds maybe we can help heal inside wounds

song: i lie to me by as it is

+++++++++

i sat across from rogue as we ate our lunch, quietly munching to myself. neither of us had spoken yet but she knew i always needed a minute when getting together with someone. it was the nature of my powers. i could see everyone's past just from being near them and though hers wasnt as hard to watch as some others she understood it was exhausting. she made that mistake once, touching me to experience it for just a moment. she ended up crying hysterically and i felt so bad because i couldnt even hug her to console her.

"Hey have you gotten a chance to talk to Logan yet?"

I raised a brow as I looked over at her, her pulling me out of my thoughts.

"You know the professor told me not to."

She nodded a few times, popping a grape into her mouth.

"And why are we still listening?"

She questioned and I laughed, wiping my mouth on my napkin.

"He said that I need to keep my distance until he finds his place here. You know we aren't supposed to use our powers on each other."

She looked at me with a stupid look on her face.

"Is it really using your power on him if you can't help it?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I've already read him. Every time he gets close actually. Every class I have with him. His life flashes before my eyes and I have to pretend I don't know everything about him."

She frowned and ate another grape.

"Logan deserves to know about his past. And you're the only one that can give that to him now that jean and the professor are dead."

I sighed and looked down at my half eaten sandwich. all i would have to do is touch him, then i could show him too.

"I guess I'll talk to storm about it. See if she has anything to say. She's the dean now after all."

she sent me another disapproving look before bobby came in and sat with us. i frowned, reading him quickly, before going back to my sandwich.

°°°°°°°°°

I knocked slowly on her office door, the wood creaking slowly. I could hear storm talking quietly to someone and suddenly my mind was flooded with his life again. His childhood, scraping his knee falling off his bike and it healing slowly. He freaked out but got up and kept riding. He never told his parents. Then his wife came into view, their wedding, her death. Then came him volunteering for strikers project. I could feel the ache in my chest as I felt all his pain. The cold rushing through my veins as he streaked butt naked through the Canadian wilderness trying to escape.

"Come in."

Shook me of my thoughts and I pushed the door open, seeing ororo and Logan talking. He was sat against her desk, legs crossed and cigar in his mouth. I panned the room to her standing in front of the TV, remote in hand. I could hear the electricity like she had just turned it off.

"Y/n, what a pleasant surprise."

I swallowed hard and looked from her to him. He had his brows drawn and I could tell he was trying to place me. Even in the two classes I had with him I was easy to ignore. I kept quiet. Answered questions when prompted. But ultimately stayed out of sight.

"storm I was wondering if I could ask you something but it's a private matter so I might come back."

I tried to suppress her time line, blinking away the hot African sun of her childhood.

"No need. I was just going."

Logan said sternly, pushing himself off the desk.

"We'll talk about this later."

She directed at him and he gave a tight lip smile, closing the door behind him. She looked back at me, placing the TV remote on the end table to her left.

"I have a feeling I know what this is about."

I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.

"I don't want to disobey professor Xavier -"

She held her hand up.

"You can't tell him."

I watched her, defeated as she paced to the desk.

"He deserves to know. Something. Anything. That he was married, he volunteered for experiment x, anything from his childhood."

She shook her head as she sat down.

"You know why that's a bad idea. We've already been over this after the fight at alkali lake."

I sighed and slumped down into the chair across from her.

"His time line is so intense storm. I can ignore most people's but they aren't as long or traumatizing as his. He's two, three, times as old as everyone here. Except myself."

A sad expression fell over her face as she folded her hands on the desk.

"He knows what happened with striker. We need to leave it at that. Until he finds something else out naturally."

I clenched my jaw and stood up.

"I can't keep hiding the truth from him ororo. And eventually he'll realize that I don't age either which will raise questions about my mutation. Then what am I supposed to say?"

She inhaled deeply.

"Y/n you are older than even the professor. You are the one that denied the position to teach-"

"Because I look like any other student!"

I interjected and she looked at me sternly.

"But if you are going to act like a child then you are going to be treated like one."

I scoffed and headed for the door.

"If the position reopens let me know. Teachers seem to be dropping like flies around here."

I pushed the door open harshly, it slamming behind me as I walked out of the office. There was a part of me that understands but I can't believe she is against me on this. He has found his place here. And I can't keep up with this. It's so much harder to keep people's time lines out of my head when they don't know I know.

Like rogue. I told her shortly after I met her. Even though it was after she took the "cure" from the Worthington corporation. She introduced herself in the same span it took me to see her time line. Bobby was there to help explain my powers to her but I haven't had to watch her find her powers since then. Same with him. And everyone else I've talked to on this campus. just small pieces of their childhood or finding their significant other.

but logan wasn't like everyone else. he was complicated. and so was i. but now, also, i was mad. i walked quickly down the hall, passed the dining room and kitchen to the elevator. if i couldnt get his frustrations out of my brain by telling him then i might as well work them out. i hit the down button and tapped my foot as i waited. when the door opened i strode down the hall to the danger-room.

i walked in slowly, the lights turning on and the control panel popping open. i quickly selected a series of test and waited for the room to start changing. i watched as sky scrapers appeared in the distance, small shops coming into view as well. then cars and people. then i saw a plane ahead, watching in shock as it crashed down in front of me. then all these creatures started climbing off of it, pieces of the plan in their unsightly jaws as it burned under them.

i moved quickly, running forward and dodging the creatures as they came at me hissing through bloody teeth. i pulled on the torn metal, making and opening and helping some civilians out of the plane as it burned. i looked up, seeing one of the creatures charging back at me. i grabbed a piece off the top of the plane and swung myself towards it kicking it square in the face and knocking back down to the ground.

i checked to make sure that the people on the ground were helping the others out of the burning plane before turning to fight another creature as it came at me. i struck it, pushing it away from me before lunging at another one. when the rest finally realized i was there they came in waves, attacking me. i fought back as hard as i could and for once thats all i had to focus on. then one of them knocked me down. as i tried to get up another lunged on top of me, pinning me down to the roof of the plane. i grunted and and tried to keep it away from me, its teeth gnashing and slobbery in my face.

then from out of nowhere i heard a yell and the sound of metal. i looked over to see logan shoving his long claws into the side of the creature. i watched him, his past flooding through my brain as he attacked the others as they came at us. i breathed deeply, stumbling to my feet and putting my back to his. we fought together until they were all gone, going to get the few stragglers out of the plane that hadnt made it out yet.

then he moved to help me down, taking my hand in his and pausing as i hit the ground. my eyes went wide as a tear slid down his cheek. shit. i had transferred his memories without even meaning to. all i had to do was touch him. usually i had my gloves on when we went in the danger-room but i didnt put my suit on first.

"i had a wife."

he said quietly, side eying me. i held my breath, holding onto his hand still as the simulation dissipated around us.

"i had a brother."

he laughed, really looking at me now. i took my hand out of his and held them both together in front of me.

"im sorry logan, this isnt how i wanted you to find out."

he drew his brows.

"have you known this whole time?"

i could feel tears stinging as i nodded.

"thats my curse to hold."

he shook his head, looking angry before walking off.

"logan wait!"

i called after him and he held his hand up.

"kid. just dont."

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[pbandjesse]

I feel exhausted. Today was a good day but I was not my best self at all. I wish I could fall asleep. I have been struggling so hard to fall asleep. It sucks. I really hope I can do it easier tonight because I have a long day tomorrow.

But even with being so tired I had a good day. I woke up briefly when James was leaving for their appointment. And would come home and would wake me up for real before they left with Gabe, who is in town this week, and they went for a bike ride to Annapolis.

It was really windy out today. Colder then I expected it to be. I didn't get out of bed until almost 10. Which we all know I hate. I want to be up and doing stuff. But I was so tired.

Once I did get up I made the bed and went and got dressed and things were done. I had breakfast. I watched videos. I just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing. I did not want to go to my awah class. I did not want to go to my meeting. I was just very upset that I was so tired.

But I tried my best to shake it off. I got myself together. I did my makeup and felt cute. I would feel alright enough. I brought a cup with a straw to encourage myself to drink water. But would forget it in the car like a dumby.

I left for the hospital a little at noon. And it was a quick enough drive over there but people driving behind me were making me nervous. I idea what their problem was but I felt like they were annoyed with me not going super fast. But I know there are speed cameras on that road.

I lucked out though and got free street parking. And I was early but I figured that was fine. I actually had to go back to the car twice. Because I forgot my apron. And then wanted my sunglasses. And then I still forgot my water. Ugh.

I went up to the floor where I thought the classroom was but couldn't find it. So I went back downstairs to wait for Julie, the other teacher, and thankfully she had all the materials so she was very easy to spot.

I introduced myself and helped her carry stuff upstairs. And we found the class in the second try. Excellent.

We got set up pretty fast. And things were great. The project was decoupaged boxes and affirmations. And soon students started coming. They were all adults, but one young woman brought her baby and toddler. The toddler would draw and watch videos. But the baby, Bailey, was in the move! She was so stinking cute. Didn't cry the entire two hours. She was giggly and fun. I got to hold her and play with her once everyone was doing their art. I would carry bailey around and show her everyone's art and made her laugh which was great.

I also made my own box. Because I like to do the art with the class if I can. Feels weird to just stand there when they don't need me. But they were all so nice. And Julie is a very good facilitator.

I didn't realize this was an hour and a half class. Which honestly is better. And our clean up didn't take long. Some because I organized everything and tidied as we went. I washed all the brushes and we cleaned the tables and said goodbye to everyone!

And then it was a hop skip and a jump over to Hamden. I had to get to my meeting with Craig at the craft castle. I hate parking on the avenue but I found side street parking and got there just before 3.

And Craig was so lovely. The space was super nice. And he was so welcoming. We talked for about an hour. About what I do. His goals and aspirations for his space. And like even if it never leads to anything it was so nice talking to someone who has such similar values and wants to build community and encourage making.

I was starting to talk about James when I saw them walk by the door!! So I would say good bye and go and catch my husband.

We walked back to the car together and then drove to the grocery store.

We got all caught up on each other's days. And got some groceries. We didn't need a lot. Some staples. Some snacks. Paper products. James panicked at the register and felt rushed for no reason. I couldnt reach everything in the cart. It was all fine but James was stressing.

Soon we would head home. And I was really tired. And I would basically spend the rest of the evening resting. I painted my nails. James made us some food. And eventually they would go do this podcast and I would get in bed and just was. A little potato. I was just really exhausted. I didn't want to sleep because I want to sleep better tonight. So I forced myself to stay up.

Eventually James came and laid with me. We had cereal. Sweetp was here. And then I took a shower and washed my hair. I feel better right now. But man am I sleepy. I really hope I can sleep great and feel great tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a long day at the museum. And then I have to run over to target. I hope it's fun. I think it'll be fun. I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep good. Be safe!

[smileymoth]

.

No i hate actually how much my dad has shaped me into a person and how i interact with things. I hate that i'm just like him sometimes and i express my feelings in the exact same dysfunctional way sometimes. That i lash out in anger sometimes. That i hate when people do things the "wrong" way. I hate that i had to fear him every weekend when he came home because what if the rooms werent clean enough and he would yell or be mad. I hate that i had to walk around eggshells around him when he was in a bad mood so he wouldnt yell at me, and i hate it more that it still fucks me up to the point that i run away when someone is upset bc im afraid of them. I hate that i would have such horrid anxiety abt him coming home on the weekends or staying at home for longer that i wished he hadn't come in the first place. I hated so much how he would twist my moms words, and read through all her messages and browse through all her history and shit on her and me for how long we both spent on the computer so i learned to delete history to get away with more computer time. I hate how one time he slapped me so hard on the thigh that it left a bruise but he denied it later so i have no fucking clue if it actually happened because hes never been physical w me and my mom but i remember it so vividly. It was 1 time and never again and in 3rd(?) Grade and i still remember it every now and then. I dont like it that i hated being at home because 80% of the time they were fucking arguing with my mom in the kitchen over something HE made up because HE was jealous of my mom or didnt like sth that my mom did bc HE didnt like it. He caused her so much grief and she had to put up with it and i followed suit because i wanted him to like me so i was nasty to my mom to please him. I had to listen to him rant abt mom and just nod along because i didnt know what to say. And then he started getting better and he wasnt so argumentative anymore so me and my mom were like omg hes changing. And then he fucking died. And i had to watch him die at the hospital while repeating to myself he will be fine becwuse hes a big strong man who has never been sick so he MUST survive, all while doing homework for logo class. And i woke up on tje morning of the 28th dec at 5am with the thought that my dad is probably dead. I brushed it off like haha im just anxious and went to sleep again. He died at 4am. I knew, i felt it.

And now i miss him so often because he was just misguided and didnt know how to deal with his emotions properly. But he still hurt me so bad and my mom even more from what shes told me. And i dont hate him at all even though i would be so scared of him id be nauseous and id cry before he came home bc i was so scared he woild be mad at me. i love him so much but i see him in my dreams so often and hes always so mean and rude in them and it sucks because i miss his hugs and i want him to hug me again and make jokes with me till im crying and i want to wake up on a saturday and go to tje kitchen to see him watching a russian youtube video about construction or "тор 10 момент" compilations while he eats his megapacked mayo grill sandwich and then he turns the water to boil so i could have tea. I want my dad to calm me down again because he was the only person who could do it at times. I want to be like hey dad im struggling with schoolwork can i just sit next to you and brainstorm out loud until i come up with something and yiu can help me think. Hey dad look im knitting a sock hahah yeah i know im crazy for that haha yeah. I miss him but i dont miss tjat he was so awful all tje time. Why couldnt he just be normal why did he have to be a controlling little freak who wanted everyone to do just as he wanted it to happen. And now wjenever sth happens i always find a way to connect it to my dad without wanting to. I hate it. I dont want to think of him as much because all my thoughts about him are so confusing and complex because of the person he was and it makes me feel worse and more confused and yet also nothing. Im happy my dad is dead because my mom is in a much happier relationship right now and i no longer fear coming home because What If hes in a Bad Mood and therfor walking too loud will make him yell. And then he will claim he didnt. While he clearly did

[3s-diary]

woah, its novemeber and i remember writing the holiday report posts in bio class after the holidays, then forgot to do the rest of it, which is okay however, that was a whilw ago but the quick recap is in week 5 i went to the netherlands which was partly really nice bc i hung with my homie there and partly really awful bc i. felt so dysphoric and lonely that i cried a lot and stared at the. wall or ran away from the restaurant once so no one would notice. overall i was happy to be gone from home tho and had a few happy moments, im really thankful for being able to go. since we both graduate next year, i hope the person i always meet there and me will see each other again at all. just one day after i went back home me and my friends left to go to a youuth hostel which was really just a fever dream. on the train ride there dipsy was anxious and nauseous all the time bc she gets like insanely scared of being late or anything. when we were there however we hung in the hostel, the food was okay(im a picky eater so that was a big worry) and we went to the store to get snacks and stuff to drink.the next day we tried to go to a nearby memorial, which didnt work bc we didnt get how the bus traffic worked at all, which is why we got really frustrated and me and dipsy wanted to gi home whilw pou wanted to keep trying and we just sorta went home pissed and did nothing afterwards and i was really depressed as soon as i had alone time and any thoughts passed my head. every "social break" we took, was sorta dipsys decision and she either went for a walk or watched shameless whilw pou slept and i listened to music and overthought. i didn't like them, but well come to that. im not quite sure anymore, but i think we went for a run afterwards which was really okay and then (after i almost had a breakdown over the community showers, but i lickily managed to shower when no one was there) went to dinner. i think during that as well as after pou started crying, which she did often (or had general emotional outbursts) which me and dipsy sometimws didn't know how to handle, for my part ir was especially because i was very deep inside my own problems and couldn't even care for myself. then we started drinking and after we got in a fight again we went for a huge walk in the middle of the night and i told them all the things ive never told noone before, like my eating issues and the stuff about my relation to men , and essentially all the stuff that happened with my ex bsf as well as every thing that happened with my dad and mom. (yeah, in the middle of the night, wasted, in a city weve never been before). i still dk how to feel abt that but they tried to understand, and pou told us about how she doesnt get along with her dad and about all the boys who were assholes towards. her. it was really,,, weird somehow how we just spilled everything we stfu about before all at once, I don't even know what else to say about that but it was just . a situation.

the next day we went to the city and ate pitza as well as got funny little drinks and walked around. in the evening we (for WHATEVER REASON) decided to walk to the memorial we couldnt get to before so we started going at like 11pm. however when we already walked for a bit dipsy said we should return bc its like totally unsafe and we could break our legs(bc the route was really leading up a hill and through a forest) and i was really mad bc we just decided altogether to go there, however i was so emotionally drained that i had no energy to really even argue. pou got really pissed as well and they argued whilw i felt like just disappearing tbh. we ended up going, on the way there i started crying and when they asked what was wrong i tried to explain how ive been feeling to drained and lonely all along and thought it would get better here but it didnr and i cant do this anymore ans they hugged me but didn't know what to say so we kept walking vut i couldnt stop crying and didnr wanna talk to them. the 2 of them tried talking out some of our conflicts, which wouldve been nice to see but i didnr partake bc all i wanted to do was die and idk tgose 1.5 hours we walked in the dark were a huge fever dream, all i didn was wish i was dead and cry my eyes out .whwn we got there it was cool, i managed to stop crying at some point. we literally walked back on a street without a side walk so wehad to jump into the bushes everytime there was a car, which was so weird and dipsy was so anxious about it and the conversations we had were really weird kinda and idk what the hell was up. we found a few books on the street which pou wanted to take with her but we thought it was creepy (and nowadays everything is a sex trafficking method,so...) so we talked her out of it and we got in a fight abt that and then we got into a fight about ehich time we should get up cus we had to check out at 9 am. like. whatever the next day dipsy was anxious throuufhtout the whole trip again but yeah we got home. that was our trip together and its the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, i also feel like it wouldve wenr a lot different if all of use wozldve been in a better mental state, we always sorta fuck up hangouts when at least one of us is doing bad, it just really ruins it. but yeah we were home.

[berryunho]

LOL sorry omg i really died. like am still dying. i spent all day yesterday crying over my coursework and shit but i talked to that guy and he really knocked some sense into me and told me to not be so hard on myself... so now im crying internally and not externally 😭

ive been thinking about it now and i think i might switch majors for the sake of my sanity bc real talk the amount of work is insane and i cant properly function it's crazy out here idk how people do this... i was thinking maybe health sci since i already have most of the credits for the degree and ive always wanted to be involved in the healthcare field... im gonna see my academic advisor on monday and see what they say because holy guacamole i want to be able to enjoy school w/o crying every time i think about it

omg that got long but those have been my thoughts for the past few days BUT ANYWAY that's so good!!!! im so happy for you big brain energy we love to see it!! ive got a biochem midterm this week (which is the cause of my mental breakdowns BUT KLSJFRG) and ochem is in 2 weeks but as i said might change majors and ochem is not necessary... so i'll prob drop it haha

the last season was so good. i found it a bit slow in the beginning but once it picks up it's going like i could not stop watching it!! i havent watched bcs but i heard it gets better near the end again?? ive watched el camino tho

that's how i felt abt crocheting at first like im the type of person to try something for a little bit and then give up right after but honestly!!! it's so fun because you can make all kinds of different things like clothing, bags, accessories and it's so fun!! i've been picking up knitting too and i've made some socks and i'm working on a sweater rn

WOIEFJWE that man is so wonderful like i feel like he really understands me and !!!!!!!!!!! i feel like he really balances out the "negative" parts/thoughts of me and is so reassuring IM WHIPPED LOL

omg yes i had a bad cold too like a week ago (no covid as well) and i think i might be good now knock on wood!! what a slay im glad your classes are going so well for you! i dont follow hockey (gasp) but i can see the thrill of it!! hopefully they can win the next game!

highly enjoyed the break. have a great weekend too!! <3

-mightychondria

no no no worries lol i totally get being busy and everything <33

but omg :[[ im sorry that school has been so overwhelming and stressful for you aaaaa yeah if its at the point where you're upset everyday and completely overwhelmed and don't like school then i definitely agree w changing your major.... you don't want the rest of your life to be like this lol health science would be interesting for sure !! there are so many ways to be involved in health care and the health system without being a doctor/nurse/etc so im sure you'll be able to find something that works !!

?!*%*$???($*@)? you're taking ochem AND biochem at the same time ?!!?($*@)@ i understand the breakdowns wtf id lose it fr but lol fingers crossed changing your major works out so that you don't have to take that ochem exam

fr i definitely understand why breaking bad is considered like one of the best shows of all time ... the writing was so good and the story was so compelling and even when it got to the point where you were like 'wtf thats sick and messed up' you couldnt stop watching bc you were in so deep lol but !! ive yet to watch el camino ... hmmm

oooo man thats so cool !! you're so right like i always see crochet tutorials on tiktok for like the most random things ever and you can make like. anything. its amazing. hehe maybe ill try it out once i have more free time :]

YAAAYYY FOR THE MAN!! im glad that he's good for you :] its very nice that he's sticking w you through all of your stress and helping you out!! hehe have yall gone on any fun dates or are you just ~talking~ ?

tis the time of year for colds lol this one i think is just about done ... my cough is significantly better today but i can't decide if its actually better or if its just bc i havent been talking today .... lol ig ill see tomorrow! KFLJDSKFJ [gasp] a canadian that doesn't follow hockey ... an incredible find ... hehehe im joking but yes fr hockey is so crazy compared to other sports like even though its kinda like soccer its still so different and sooooo entertaining to me lol ty for the support for my team they definitely need it [muffled through fake coughing] they're bad [more fake coughing]

yay! i hope this week of classes goes better! tyyyy <3 <3 <3

[headbangergf]

heavy trigger warning ; run while u can lmao

im so fucking done i just want to kill myself. i hate school. i cant stand having to wake up so early every day and talk to people i dont like and have to do and worry about so many things. im so tired of putting my fullest effort into my classes and still getting average grades compared to what i used to get. i know that doesnt seem bad , but im literally never going to get into my dream college at this rate and its fucking disheartening. going to that college is the only thing keeping me going , keeping me from just ending it all. and the fact that someone is probably going to beat me and im not going to be in first place when i graduate makes me want to die. thats so fucking embarrassing for me. i used to be number one in and at everything and now im just merging in with everyone else. i want to be at the top. i want to be the best. i want to get the best grades and beat everyone. not for the satisfaction, just so i can finally calm the fuck down and not have to worry about it anymore. i hate seeing people above me. its so upsetting. how did i downgrade this bad? what in the actual fuck happened to me.

and on top of this the only person i truly love doesnt even talk to me anymore. doesnt even look my way in the halls. im so heartbroken over him and i cant even talk about it to ANYONE because no one fucking cares. no one cares. and no one has to , but it just hurts that everyone makes fun of me for liking him or just discards what im saying without even listening. especially when you guys make fun of him. i have to go along with that shit but it really breaks my heart cuz you all KNOW he NEVER did me wrong. and he never did yall wrong either. i dont care that none of you like him because he actually loved me. he did. i know he did. hes the first person ive ever been with that didnt make me violently cry myself to sleep. he didnt make me relapse constantly. he made me so happy , and even if he doesnt see me as a boy , at least he respected me. i dont even care about that at this point. i really dont. because he loved me and he made me feel handsome. i could show him the most masculine photo of me and he’d still compliment me in a neutral or masculine way even if i was presenting feminine. he never feminized me like the rest of you do. i didnt have to hide myself around him. i always felt comfortable with him. so fuck you guys for talking shit about him every chance you get cuz he never wronged me or any of you. i hate having to be fake cuz i dont want to be made fun of for sticking up for him. but you know why we split. he couldnt prioritize me. thats fine. even though that shit literally broke me and im STILL fucked up about it , it doesnt mean he was in the wrong. he was putting himself first and honestly i respect him for it. but i wish he would just tell me if he doesnt want me talking to him anymore. all i want is a conversation with him. i really miss him so much. i miss how i felt when i was with him. but i dont think he cares about me anymore man. i fucking ruined it because i let myself say too much. i talk too much about how i feel if you let me and im so sorry to everyone who has to deal with it. i dont know why i do that. it just feels like nobody wants to hear about how im doing anymore so idk what to do man. i cant talk to anybody without feeling guilty. bad combination of him being a good listener and me being a big talker. honestly hes probably so sick of me. that thought makes tears form so fast in my eyes but i just have to accept it i guess. i wish i was normal. if i was just a normal girl and not a demented fucking tranny he would probably like me. im probably not even ftm im just insanely stupid. maybe i just got sick of being a girl idk. either way , thats not an invite to refer to me as a girl so fucking dont if anyone is reading this. probably no one. lol. anyways. im abt to rb this and continue cuz i was typing and then i reached the limit so part two incoming i guess lmao.

[milkacchan]

Request for anon: Bakugou and the reader are best friends --that he refuses to admit he's in love with-- but when it comes to other dudes, he acts like their guard dog. He overhears some jerks laughing about it calling the reader names and saying he could have anyone else in his class and goes off. The reader catches him fighting and stops it wondering what got into him but he refuses to tell them

2 things before we start

1. I'm gonna start doing tagging, so comment if you want to be tagged on the next posts. Starting out with 10 tags.

2. I listened to the song home by Catie Turner while I was writing this bc I wanted to be in my feels. So put that song on repeat while you read it.

Bakugou Katsuki honestly had no intentions of falling in love. He didn't have intentions of being friends with anyone really. Obviously Kirishima changed that- with the Bakusquad. But with you he fell deeper than he meant to with friends.

But Bakugou Katsuki was in deep. He was in so deep. And he fucking hated it but he wouldn't change it for the damn world.

Bakugou Katsuki, could not see himself with anyone but you. He's in full denial about it, of course. He could have any girl in the class, school even. Girls doted on him. His first year not so much, but after valentines day during his second year, he noticed (you did too) that women flocked to him. Some of them were cute, he'd admit, but if he tried to picture himself with any of them he felt weird. Sick almost. He figured it was just because he didnt know them- or he didnt want a relationship at the moment. But then came the fatal mistake.

You'd made him lunch, his favorite to be exact. You made him snacks every once in a while but this was new. You gave it to him, telling him it was extra from your lunch and walked away. He smiled to himself at the thought of making lunch for him, because you wanted to, not because it was extra- and that's when it happened. He thought of himself with you. This time he didnt feel weird, he didn't feel sick, he felt content, happy.

He ate his lunch that day in silence, away from the rest of his friends, hidden in the 1-A classroom. Aizawa didn't question it.

He tells his mom and his mom only. He'd be damned if shitty hair found out. He'd be even more damned if Mina or Kaminari found out because the two couldn't keep their mouths shut for the life of them.

"Katsuki you have a crush."

"Great, how do I get rid of it?"

"You don't? Katsuki have you never had a crush before?"

"Absolutely not."

"Wow, i just assumed you'd kept them from me and your father like every other teen."

"No I just don't have feelings, hag."

For the next half hour, he and his mother discuss what he could do. If he would do anything.

"Does she like you back?"

"How the fuck would I know?"

"Has she done anything out of the ordinary?"

"I mean she made lunch for me yesterday."

"Wow shes literally in love with you."

"Shut UP."

"Katsu, why dont you try making a move? They flirting?"

"Because she doesn't like me and I don't feel like dealing with rejection."

His mother sighed.

He went to school the next day, unsure of how to proceed when he spoke to you. How would it go down in the dorms? Theoretically he could just deny any attraction to you and be on his way- but he didnt want to loose you. He didn't want you out of his life, he knew that much. So he settled for just treating you as he always had.

However, when it came to other boys- he was on top of it. Just because he woukdnt make a move on you, didnt mean he'd let the greasy boys that flocked you. You deserved better than them. You knew it too. You were quietly thankful for his protection against unwanted attention from the boys.

He could pick up your signs of gratitude and he had no intention to stop. Especially when he heard guys talking, about you specifically.

Just listening to the words that oozed put of his mouth about you pissed him off.

"I could have any girl in the school." The boy scoffed. "Especially her- god I bet she's really fucking easy. She's never had a boyfriend and based on her personality it wouldn't be hard to hit it and leave-"

Katsuki had never swung on someone so quick in his life. His body acted before he could even think. Asshole boy stumbled back a little before lunging for Katsuki, grabbing his shirt and throwing his bodyweight on him to push him back. However- it wasn't really a match for him. A kid from the business class against Katsuki bakugou- part of the great three? No.

He refrained from using his quirk, knowing this- you'd rubbed off on him more than he cared to admit. But that didn't stop his fist from coming down on his face.

"Don't you DARE talk about her like that- she's not a fuckin object for your enjoyment you asshole-" He growled, his fist making contact with his face again.

"Katsu!" A voice yelled before he was being pulled off. A gentle hand cupped his cheek and turned his head. You. He saw you- through the red there was you. "What are you doing?" You ask softly- bowing slightly in apology before dragging him off.

He didn't say anything as he was lead down the hallway. That guy deserved what happened. He deserved every second of it.

"Katsu? Katsu- are you listening?"

"Hm?"

"I was asking if you were okay. Your cheek is bruised." You stopped, gently touching his cheek.

You were always concerned with his wellbeing. How he was- before anything you made sure he was okay. Regardless of the circumstances- before he was scolded or cursed out, you made sure he was okay. Physically and mentally.

"'M fine." He mumbled, looking down. "M okay."

You nodded, leading him down the hallway once more- walking into the dorm. You grabbed something from the kitchen and then lead him to your room, having him sit on the bed.

"Katsu, what happened?" You mumbled, sitting next to him and pressing and ice pack (wrapped in a thin shirt) to his cheek. He struggled to not lean into it.

In all honesty, all he wanted to do what high you. He had this overwhelming feeling to hold you, bury his face in your neck and just stay there.

"Nothing. Just a brawl." He muttered, unmoving '

"A brawl? Really."

"Yeah. A brawl."

"Well something started 'your brawl'. You gonna tell me what it was?"

"I'm telling you it was nothing. Don't worry about it." He couldn't tell you- he didn't want you to feel weird or self concious. He knew how words from people affected you, even though you fought on and on to ignore them and keep them from affecting you. There was too much going on in your head to completely ignore them, even subconsciously.

"It is something though! Because you're hurt. That other guy, a douche bag I'm sure, is hurt."

"He deserved it."

"Why?"

"Why are you so concerned with it."

"Because you're hurt! I know it's not very hero like- but I couldnt care less about his injuries. You are my priority. And I walk into you in a beatdown-"

Katsuki pushed the ice pack away from his cheek. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around your waist, burying his face in your neck. He wasn't expecting much after that- so when your hand came to play with his hair and the other holding his back, he felt like he was going to cry.

God he was so fucking in love with you. It made him want to scream- why would you ever want to he with him? Why were you doing this?

"I just want to make sure you're okay." She whispered.

"M okay. You don't have to worry about me."

"Doesn't mean I won't. I always worry about you Suki. I don't think that's going to stop." You continued threading your fingers through his hair.

"Then I'll be here, to remind your dumbass I'm okay."

"I know you will." You whispered. "Katsu, look at me." You mumbled- voice unsteady. He frowned and slowly lifted his head up. You were looking at him with such intensity in your eyes, he was unsure why.

You leanws forward, gently pressing your lips to his- ah that's why. He was surprised for a moment- stilling unmoving. You pulled away.

"Sorry- I guess that was uncalled-" he wouldnt let you finish, his lips were back on yours, pulling you close. You leaned into him, eye closed, guard down. Just you and him.

"I can't see myself with anyone but you." He grumbled, when he finally pulled away, lips inches apart. "I never have been able to."

"Good." You smiled softly. "I don't want you with anyone else."

@kirahhhh

[kirislut]

Song: cuz I love you( Lizzo) Character: Todoroki Shoto 😊

“cuz i love you”

a/n: i was feeling very fluffy so yeah, and i also love thinking about how the bnha boys would fall in love so this is how i think todoroki would react

song prompt: “cuz i love you” by lizzo

warnings: none!

taglist (open): @katsushimaa @animatedarchives @softieshoto @meliorist-midoriya @bbakougo @grow-a-smile-for-a-while @finndaydreams @deephasoceanmagic @nieve-blancas @bunnythepipsqueak

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

love. it’s something complicated and sometimes terrifying, yet so simple and comforting. it was something todoroki never thought he would experience. until he met you at least.

he didn’t know when it happened, when he first fell in love with you. maybe it was the first time he saw your smile light up the room. or maybe it was when you brushed shoulders with him when you sat together at lunch. he wasn’t sure when but he knew for sure when he realized his own feelings for you.

todoroki began to slowly realize that whenever you were near him, a warmth bubbled up in him. one that he didn’t feel the need to reject, like his left side. he never thought he would find heat something to yearn after. but the lack of warmth whenever you weren’t there ate away at him at times.

he decided to search up his dilemma after realizing it. one google search later and he couldn’t find anything, he searched‘why do i feel warm around (y/n)?’, which brought you nothing. todoroki’s never has feelings like this about anything or anyone, feeling weren’t his forte. unless it was distaste for his father at least.

since google didn’t help him, he wasn’t really sure who to ask from there. he knew if he asked fuyumi that she would probably tease him about it and it would become a whole ordeal. so he needed to ask someone who could keep a secret and wouldn’t overreact. bakugou and midoriya were both out of the picture. so he opted for tokoyami, seeing as he was calm and rational out of all of his options of friends.

after todoroki talked about how he felt whenever you were around. tokoyami concluded that todoroki had a crush on you, which tokoyami also has to explain as having romantic feelings. todoroki was grateful for his friend’s help but he left with more questions then when he came. he had romantic feelings? for you?

now he didn’t think having feelings for you was bad or anything of the sort, he was just shocked he was cable of such a thing. todoroki was certain he would never find love. how could he after seeing his parent’s broken relationship. if they couldnt love each other, how could a child of someone like that find love themself? he was positive he was love impaired, but yet the thought of being in love with you made him shudder in joy.

now knowing about his feelings when he was around you was definitely foreign. todoroki found himself paying attention to you more closely. like how when you laugh you sometimes cover your mouth, which he thought was a crime because you dared to muffle your beautiful laugh? or how in class sometimes you would fiddle with your pencil or pen just because you were bored. all of these little habits became obvious to todoroki now. which didn’t help his thoughts or feelings about you.

his thoughts about you just increased and became more embarrassing. he found himself in class wishing his hand was what you were fiddling with instead of that pencil. he nearly ignited his left side because he was embarrassed to be thinking about such a thing. more embarrassing thoughts wandered into his brain. one time he thought about you kissing his cheek and after that he couldn’t look you in the eye for the rest of day.

it took todoroki a while to get used to having these feelings, first he was embarrassed and almost ashamed to have them but now he somewhat enjoyed the little daydreams he would have about you. todoroki also wasn’t planning on telling you about his feelings, he was fine with just keeping them to himself. he wasn’t even sure if you were interested in him anyways. you were just a friend anyways.

ah yes a friend. a friend he wished to hold hands with. a friend he wanted to go on little outings with. a friend who he wondered how they’re lips would feel against his. simply just a friend, even if his heart sometimes ached for me. todoroki was content with having you as a friend, at least he thought.

recently he was having a difficult time keeping his emotions controlled. his heart weighed heavy when he laid alone in his bed. jealously ran through his veins whenever kaminari slung his arm around you. and thoughts about you became more constant. todoroki was beginning to worry he wouldn’t be able to contain his emotions much longer. todoroki knee what he had to do. confess.

when class todoroki asked you to meet him at the end of the hallway, which you of course agreed too. yet you couldn’t help but wonder what was up. sure the two of you have chatted with just the both of you, but he was asking to speak to you privately. while your heart hoped it would be a confession, your brain knew that todoroki was too oblivious to know what a confession even was. unbeknownst to you, he had searched up his to confess. this time google actually helped him out.

you walked towards the end of the hallway and saw that todoroki had gotten there before you. he was watching out the window, only noticing you when you stopped beside him. “so todoroki-kun, what did you want to talk about?”

todoroki stared at you, a little star struck as he admired your features. he could probably stare at you for hours but he had a confession to get through, which was more nerve racking than he thought it would be. his heart was racing and he’d never felt his nervous before, not even when going against some of the toughest villains he’s ever faced.

“(l/n), i have romantic feelings for you. i have for a while and i don’t know what to do with myself anymore. i know it’s selfish but i want to be with you.”

now it was your turn to be star struck, your little glimmer of hope was actually coming true. todoroki liked you back! you stood there stunned as you mentally cheered and celebrated, almost forgetting to respond to his confession. “i also have romantic feelings for you todoroki-kun!! and i also really, really want to be with you.”

todoroki thought hearing you agree woukd calm do his heart, but if anything it just made his heart thump more. but this time in excitement. the male smiled as he looked at you with a soft gaze, “really? i’m very glad. does this mean we are together now?”

you nodded happily, a smile tugging at your lips from your now boyfriend’s adorable expression. “yes todoroki-kun, you’re my boyfriend now.” you couldn’t help but giggle at the glimmer in todoroki’s eyes. you’ve never seen him look so happy before, it was quite cute. however you were caught off guard when you saw those glimmering, heterochromatic eyes start to tear up and cry a little.

“ah todoroki-kun! why are you crying?” you were panicked and confused because as tears rolled down his cheeks, he was still softly smiling at you.

“because, i love you.”

his emotions were so overwhelming that they ended up overflowing into tears of happiness, because now he could outlet his love onto you. you eased knowing that it wasn’t because of anything bad, but your face still warmed at todoroki saying that loved you.

“i love you too todoroki.”

“call me shouto now.”

“oh right! well i love you shouto.”

“i love you too (y/n).”

[gracereadstoomanybooks]

answering questions I’ve been asked on TikTok✨

.

.

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QUESTION: how did you get into reading?

So, when I was in middle school (many moons ago) we had this thing called AR Testing. Basically, you read a book and take a test on it—the questions were things that happened in the book, it was really simple. If you got a good grade, you got points. The more points you earned, the more eligible you were for the reading party at the end of each semester. Me, being the nerd I am, got top of my class because I went through 8th grade level books like it was nothing. The librarian at my school brought me books from the high school to read since everything was easy for me, and alas, my addiction began. And now that I have adult money, it’s a true addiction. Also, telling my father “I’m bored” and his response being, “go read a book or something” so thanks dad.

QUESTION: what’s one book you ALWAYS recommend to people?

This one is tough because I’ve read THOUSANDS of books, but if I had to choose one, it would probably be Confess by Colleen Hoover. I fell in love with her work in high school when I first read Ugly Love, but Confess is the type of book that pulls at your heart strings, y’all. It has everything people love: humor, sexual tension, drama, love. GO BUY THE DAMN BOOK. Or honestly any book by Colleen Hoover—she’s a fucking amazing author.

QUESTION: outside of making TikToks, what do you do for a living?

I currently work at a restaurant and hate every second of it. If anyone tells you to become a server, DONT. It’s not worth the hassle, I promise you. Sure, you can make decent money but the amount of rude customers and shitty tips you receive each shift is very disheartening. If you really need a job, do anything BUT work in the food industry.

QUESTION: what’s your wattpad story about?

First question: which one? I have about 30 drafts sitting there waiting to be posted. But, I’m going to assume you’re talking about the Harry Styles fan fiction I’ve been working on for the past 4 years and haven’t had the courage to post. I’ll tell you a little about it: Elaine Aldridge is forced into a betrothal to a man she’s never met & loathes. She goes to his court and realizes things aren’t what they truly seem. And the guard her future husband sticks on her??? None other than Mr. Harry Styles. Add in some magic & deaths and you’ve got my story— The First Prince. (Honestly, that’s an extremely shitty description so if you wanna check it out go to my wattpad account)

QUESTION: how old are you?

Ahem. . . twenty-one.

QUESTION: what is your dream career?

Being a published author and having people rave about my books. That’s all. Or, an editor for a publishing company. Imagine reading all day and being paid for it🤩

QUESTION: what was your least favorite read of 2020?

I already KNOW I’m gonna get shit for this but....... the wicked king. YALL I LITERALLY COULDNT GET THROUGH IT IM SO SORRY, I STILL HAVENT FINISHED IT

QUESTION: current favorite author?

Sarah. J. Maas. I don’t know what it is about her writing style, but it’s addicting. Throne of Glass is hands down the best series I’ve ever read. A Court of Thorns and Roses is the first book I’ve EVER reread. Her stories truly suck you in and hold onto you—you get lost so easily in her writing and it’s like once you’re done with a series, nothing will compare. Or, at least that’s how I felt after finishing Kingdom of Ash. Honorable mentions: Jennifer L. Armentrout, Penelope Douglas, L.J Shen, Elle Kennedy and Kennedy Fox.

QUESTION: any recommendations/tips to give to a new reader?

I’ve always given this advice to people who want to get into reading: find what you like and start with that. If you like romance, I’ve got a list for you to choose from. Mystery? Another list. Sci-fi? I GOT YOU. Fantasy? Yes! Sports fiction? It might take me a second but I’ll find you a book. Nonfiction? I’m zero help in that category, honestly. The point of the matter is that you’re never going to enjoy a book if you aren’t interested in the underlying topics.

QUESTION: do you ever find yourself comparing your life to fictional life?

Yes. All the time. I daydream about being apart of the Inner Circle and living in Terrasen with Aelin and Rowan. I think about what it would be like to have real powers and a mate. It drives my boyfriend crazy—but he loves me anyway.

QUESTION: what are your most anticipated books of 2021?

Here’s a list:

A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J. Maas

The Crown of Gilded Bones by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Gods and Monsters by Shelby Mahurin

Crescent City 2 (Untitled) by Sarah J. Maas

A Vow So Bold and Deadly by Brigid Kemmerer (I just ordered this one & it arrives tomorrow)

Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan

QUESTION: why did you start a Tumblr?

Honestly, I used to love tumblr when I was in grade school (way too young to be on here then but what else is new). I like having an extra space to get my questions and comments out without having to compress it into a 60 second video for TikTok to see. Tumblr is a good place to blog & post things like this.

QUESTION: what’s your favorite song right now?

I’ve listened to Carry You by Novo Amor every day for the past two months and I cry each time.

QUESTION: why write Harry Styles fan fiction?

Simple: I love Harry Styles. I’ve been a fan of him and One Direction since they were on X FACTOR. Read that again. X. Factor. I used to watch their performances on YouTube before WMYB even came out. Of course, I love all of the 1D boys but I was always a Harry gal. And I look up to him in a way—I’ve read things about people wishing they knew him personally and honestly? I would never want to meet him. I like the version of him I’ve cooked up in my brain over the past 10 years. I like the symbiotic relationship I have with his music. Fine Line is a ✨masterpiece✨. HS1 is a ✨work of art✨.

now, some topics I’ve been asked way too many times and want to finally get to:

QUESTION: political views?

the saying “anyone but trump” has been in my brain for the past four years. No, I’m not a republican. No, I’m not a democrat. I like to think of myself as a progressive (ahem, liberal) Did I vote for a democratic candidate? Yes, and I’d do it again and again until the US isn’t one of the worst countries—I’m sorry, businesses— to be apart of. I wanted Bernie but got Biden, and I’m alright with that. And my girl Kamala🥳

QUESTION: how did you feel about the BLM protests?

I went to multiple BLM protests and donated a lot of funds to BLM & other organizations. It’s 2021, people... stop being fucking RACIST. And don’t be afraid to call racist people out! Black Lives Matter, even if no one is posting about it anymore.

QUESTION: thoughts on abortion?

your body your choice, queen! not my uterus, not my problem.

QUESTION: there was a comment on an old video of yours talking about r*pe, why did you delete the comment?

I made a video when I first started my account on TikTok about reading in public and feeling “turned on” by it. Go watch it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. BUT, some ignorant male decided to comment and say “this is how girls get r*ped”. Whew. So. I deleted the comment because ....

I am a victim of sexual assault. Along with a lot of other women. 1 in 5 women have been victims of sexual assault. Talking about being r*ped isn’t funny.

No one else needed to see his comment. I reported it immediately and his account was shut down.

I never got justice for what happened to me, and the fact that some random male—who had never even met me or seen me before my video showed up on his FYP—had the nerve to comment that? Unacceptable.

this question isn’t as controversial but

QUESTION: what’s the best way to get out of a toxic relationship?

okay, let me just start off by saying that the people around you who love and support you are going to be your backbone. Leaving a toxic situation is hard, and every situation is different, but my best piece of advice to offer you is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your loved ones are going to be there for you when you need them, even if you don’t believe they will. If you explain what’s happening, someone you know and love will drop whatever it is their doing to make sure you get out safely. good luck my babes.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

QUESTION: any tips on making tiktoks?

Literally none. I post what I think is funny and relatable and if anyone agrees, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s one view, it’s good enough for me. So I guess my one tip is to not base your life off of an app and followers.

QUESTION: favorite Harry Styles fanfic?

DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Duplicity is up there, along with Stall 1&2, and Kiwi. After? Absolutely not.

QUESTION: favorite WEBTOON?

y’all already KNOW. LORE OLYMPUS BY USEDBANDAID. Rachel is a genius and I have reread the series a million times. Hades is my soulmate and Apollo can rot in the fiery pits of the Underworld. also, if we’re talking about other webcomics, reading Walk on Water on mangadex...🤫

QUESTION: favorite movie?

Howls Moving Castle. I will be getting my “a heart is a heavy burden” tattoo very very soon.

QUESTION: I read your Elain theory on tumblr, can you explain a little more?

I thought I was pretty straightforward but I’ll say it again: she is always the “good” one and it’s too suspicious. SJM has already given one Archeron sister a happy ending, Nesta’s is obviously inevitable, but Elain? She has too many options for a happy ending. Lucien, who is her “mate”. Azriel, who is intrigued by her slightly. Her human guy—I don’t remember his name—who is disgusted that she’s not human anymore. Or, alone, planting flowers all day. BUT! My point is that she’s not truly happy. She was forced into the Cauldron just like Nesta. She was ripped away from the life she loved so dearly and didn’t want to give up. The man she was going to marry now hates her guts because she’s a High Fae. She has the perfect set up for a villain plot line and I’m all here for it.

well, that’s all I feel like doing tonight. hope you enjoyed my little q&a! be kind, and talk to you later! byeeee!

[inspriredlyuninspired]

The Stalker 

Part 6

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader, Able-bodied! Ivar, Dark!Ivar 

Warnings: Depression, starving, sucidal thoughts. 

Summary: Y/n is stuck in her head about everything that happened, but still agrees to go on the trip with Ivar, she makes a shocking discovery about herself. 

Word count: 1,514 

Third Person POV

In the days leading up to the party Y/n barely moved out of bed, in the meantime Ivar prepared them both to leave. He has had two plane tickets ready since the party was announced. 

He got her a new dress, shoes, makeup or anything she ever could have wanted, he wasn’t trying to buy her love. But it sure as hell looked that way. 

“Little dove, please eat. You haven’t eaten in three days.”

“no thanks, im not hungry.” her voice was small and fragile. 

The past few days, her mental health had rapidly been declining. She was headed back to the darkest period of her life, and she felt as though she couldn't stop it. It broke Ivar’s heart seeing her like this. She had no energy or motivation to get out of bed. He could not get her to eat, he would listen to her quietly sob while he laid next ot her in bed. The worst part is it was all his fault, he had caused this. 

Her head was filled with vile thoughts. 

‘everyone that walks into your life makes you worse then you were before’

‘no one truly loves you, they all want you for something and will drop you the second they’re done with you’

‘Mom and Dad didnt even care you left in the middle of the night, and now you’re stuck with the guy who stalked you’

‘he doesn’t care about you at all, thats why he trapped you here’

She couldn’t get the voices to stop. She thought at this point she would be better off dead, she would never find happiness in her life, she would never find someone that would truly love and cherish her. She thought this was her happily ever after, but it was her worst nightmare. 

“Little dove, please sit up” she obliged, she had only been out of bed to go to the bathroom and shower. She sat up and Ivar gently held a spoon to her mouth. She opened her mouth and began to slurp the soup off the spoon. 

He could have been hand feeding her poison and she would not of cared.

But it wasnt, it was broccolli cheddar soup, from her favorite restaurant downtown. She had never told him how much she loved it, he knew, from when he stalked her. Just thinking of that made her shiver away and a tear to roll down her cheek.

Seeing her cry saw made his heart shatter into a million pieces. 

“Little dove please, we need to talk.” 

“About what?” her voice cracked slightly.

“everything, i know you dont trust me and you have no reason to, i know what i did was terrible. I should have asked you out when i saw you that first day. I just thought you would never like a guy like me.”

“What do you mean a guy like you?” “im weird, im a nerd. I dont talk to anyone. I live in a house in the middle of the woods because im secluded, people hated with me growing up, even my own father hated me. I have only ever had one person in my life love me unconditionally and she isn’t here anymore. I am a man with a lot of baggage and a lot of hurt. I didn’t think you wanted to deal with it.” 

Her eyed softened, he was broken. Just like her. 

She sat up a little straighter and put her hand gently on his. This action shocked him. 

“ivar, i have a lot of baggage, but you still wanted me. It still shocks be everyday that you wanted me as much as you did-”

“i still want you, i want to protect you.” “you dont always have to protect everyone else, sometimes you need to be protected yourself.” 

“y/n, i love you. I would do anything to have you love me back. I understand how desperate that sounds too.” he chuckled slightly at himself.

“Ivar i told you im starting to fall in love with you. I love being around you, those days where you were yourself arond me, you mesmorized me. You intrigued me, you made want to learn every single little quirk about you. I agreed to go on this trip with you to see if i could get over what happened.” 

“seeing you these part few days hurt my heart, and knowing it was my fault i couldnt believe myself.” 

“my thoughts took over and im sorry, it wasn’t fair to you.” 

“no please do not apologize, it was my fault. what thoughts were you struggling with?” 

“the thought that no one in my life will truly love me and that the world would be better if i wasnt in it.” before she could finish his arms were wrapped aournd her, holding her tight to his chest. 

“i need you here, you make my world so much brighter.” he whispered in her ear softly. 

*12 hours later* 

“ivar im sleepy”

“i know love you can sleep on the plane.” Ivar kissed her head that was leaning gently on his shoulder as they stood in the line for security in the airport. 

When it was time for them to board their flight Ivar watched Y/n’s eyes light up

“excited to fly baby?”

“no i excited to go to sleep!” Her voice sounded like a childs, it made him giggle. 

“First class now boarding.” came over the loud speaker. Y/n didn’t move, she was waiting until the announcement for coach seating came. 

But she felt Ivar tugging on her hand, she gave him a confused look. 

“oh Little Dove, you didn’t think that i would give you anything less than the best.” 

Now, Y/n knew Ivar had money. Not just money, but like money money. SHe was still shocked. They were led to their seats, or rather their beds. 

“These are full beds!” Y/n exclaimed. Ivar giggled and sat down and held her hand. 

“now you can get your sleep, beauitful.” Y/n climbed into her side and she put down the divider between them. Ivar got comfortable on his side, not pushing his luck trying to hold her.

But he felt Y/n curl into his side, he felt her breathing steady he knew that she was drifiting off to sleep. 

He held her close as they lifted off into the air, he fell asleep holding his girl for the long plane ride they had ahead. 

Once the plane had landed y/n felt more awake and energized then she had in a couple days. Seeing her so full of life made Ivar’s heart melt. 

His rental car was waiting for them at the airport, of course he couldnt just get a normal car. A BMW, very similar to the one he owned back in the states was there ready for him. He of course opened the door for Y/n and wouldnt let her help pack the car.

Once they were on the road, Y/n looked mesmerized as she watched the Danish countrside pass by. She loved seeing the transition of the quiant countryside to the city. 

When they pulled up to the hotel Y/n was again shocked at how beautiful it is, she couldn’t even begin to think about how much he had spent. Vallet and bell hops came to take the bags and move the car. 

Y/n grabbed Ivar’s hand which shocked him, but he was not complaining. they walked into the lavish lobby and were immediately greeted. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Ragnarson, your room is ready.” The man handed Ivar the room key and shook his hand. Ivar guided her over to the elevator and said 

“sorry about that, i booked the honeymoon suite” he blushed slightly, he didnt want to admit that to y/n but he was forced to. 

“no its okay it was cute, why did you book that one?” 

“it has the most beautiful veiw, not only did i want you to see it but i wanted to expirence it with you.” the blush on his cheeks made y/n’s heart burst. She was falling hard for him, and was slowly getting over everthing that had happened. 

As ivar opened the door to the room, the floor to ceiling windows were the first thing she saw. Her mouth hung wide open, the sun was setting and the lights were beginning to flick on all over the city. Y/n slowly walked over to window and just watched in amazement. 

Ivar walked over and wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned his chin on top of her head. 

“this is the most beautiful view i have ever seen” Y/n whispered. 

“You are the most beautiful veiw i have ever seen” Ivar whispered back to her. 

This was the moment she knew she was not getting over him. 

to be continued.. 

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @lostgirl14480​ @artsyle​

[nia-journals]

Blind Date | YOONMIN Short Story

——————

park jimin sat in the cushioned chair, blind folded, wearing his casual best, in hopes of impressing whichever stranger his partner turned out to be. you see, his best friend jeon jungkook, had dragged him to one of those blind date events taking place in their city and now jimin sat like a complete idiot and for what? why was he trying so hard? he told himself he couldnt care less about this outing so why did he even bother wearing his best jeans?

jimin sighed and as the countdown on the intercom reached 0 he could hear footsteps approaching. this made jimin a bit anxious. his eyes were bound, he didnt know where in the room his friend jungkook sat and in less a second he would meet a complete stranger he’d spend the rest of this forsaken date with. jimin’s fight or flight instict ticked as he felt someone walk dangerously close to his chair. why the fuck did he agree to this? jimin thought, it was safe to say that whoever came up with a blind dinner date pop-up event was a complete idiot. he now sat in high alert waiting to defend himself despite the circumstances and the obvious fact that he couldnt see anything at all.

so he sat and waited; jimin was beginning to think he’d been stood up even in this stupid blind date. that is, until he heard;

“hello?” a stranger with a deep voice approached him, “im min yoongi,” his voice was eargasmic, it made the little hairs on jimin’s arms stand up and sent chills down his back.

“park jimin,” jimin introduced himself in a shy and unsually low tone. jimin wasnt usually shy but this man’s voice alone made him feel small, intimidated and dominated even.

“should we get right to it?” the stranger’s disembodied yet gravelly voice suggested, “i cant really ask you what you like to eat cause that’s against the rules so, ima take a hunched here and hope you enjoy it. is that ok jimin?”

jimin nodded like an idiot, in a trance. unlike five seconds ago now jimin mentally thanked whoever’s stupid idea was to wear blindfolds cause if not yoongi would be completely exposed to his dialated pupils which signaled his lovey dovey eyes.

“ok, i placed the order. when it comes out please be completely honest with me,” yoongi said, after quietly thanking who i assumed was the server, “i promise i wont cry too hard.”

yoongi’s chuckle.

wow.

that was the most beautiful sound jimin’s ears have ever had the pleasure of hearing. the captivating sound was light and addictive, jimin wanted yoongi to chuckle all throught the night.

“don’t worry yoongi,” jimin let out instinctively. it didn’t matter how nasty what yoongi picked out for him was, he would lie, cheat, fibble, he would do anything to get a shot at a second date with this stranger with the honey dipped voice, “i wont go too hard on you.”

“no, please do but maybe lie about it to the host and we can always try again on our second date.”

jimin smiled, maybe a little too widely and he had to quickly remind himself that yoongi could still in fact see the idiotic smile plastered on his face, “already in for a second date? are you that whipped already?”

“i mean, look at you, park jimin. youre a whole vision in itself. i could sit here all night and talk about how perfect you look.”

“you havent even seen half of my face yet min yoongi,” jimin scoffed in a joking manner.

“fair enough park jimin,” he spoke in a tone of newfound confidence and determination, his voice dropped about two octaves and jimin again froze at how deep and addicting it was to listen to min yoongi’s voice, “let’s get to know eachother before our meal comes to us.”

“fine,” jimin said clearing his throat, “that sounds fine by me.”

“are you from this area jimin?” yoongi asked in his husky tone. fuck this man’s voice would surely be jimin’s demise. he couldnt wait to take his blindfold off to reveal the face of the stranger whose voice had jimin wrapped around his finger.

“no, im actually from busan. i moved out to seoul with some of my friends for school.” jimin said.

“you all go to the same university?” he questioned.

“yeah we do. we all applied together and got in together so we just moved in together and attend the same school,” jimin shrugged. he was infact lucky to have friends who shared similar interests and life aspirations. lucky enough that after high school graduation while everyone waved goodbye to their bestfriends, jimin, taehyung and jungkook were packing together ready to take on the next four years of college right by eachother’s side.

“youre very lucky,” yoongi confessed, “not many people get to attend the same school as their bffs after high school. usually people grow apart.”

“yeah im glad i have them here with me. i’d be a lone wolf in seoul if it wasnt for them.” jimin said. “one of my bestfriends, jungkook, was actually the one who dragged me here?”

“wait are you an introvert park jimin?” yoongi questioned. jimin couldn’t see much of yoongi but he could feel the subtle movements the stranger made in his chair at the other end of the table.

“im as introverted as they come. it took a whole lot of will power, a lot of convincing by my friend jungkook and a million pep-talks from our dorm room to here to get me to calm down a bit,” jimin confessed.

“are you nervous right now jimin?” he let out in a soft yet deep under-tone. his whispering made him sound like an asmrist and jimin wasn’t sure he could handle listening to him talk im such a low tone any longer.

“well i was nervous yoongi, but-“ he began, “your voice.”

“what about my voice?” yoongi asked and jimin could almost hear the cockiness in his voice.

“it’s soothing yoongi, it’s really calming my nerves,” jimin was completely transparent with the man. well of course jimin hid the fact that aside from calming him down a bit, yoongi’s voice also aroused him. that detail he could definitely keep to himself, “in that case i’ll keep talking,” he was definitely now going to begin using his sweet and deep voice against jimin for the rest of the night, “what do you study in school, jimin?”

“dance,” jimin let out, “contemptorary dance to be exact.”

“have you danced for long?” yoongi questioned.

“since i was 9 years old.”

“so youre a professional?”

“i wouldn’t say so, i have a long way to go to be considered professional.” jimin answered modestly.

“i bet your the best in your whole university,” yoongi complimented him in such a casual tone.

“well thank you,” jimin said shyly, yoongi surely knew all the right things to say, “but im not even the best in the whole junior class,”

“i find that hard to believe. on our second date how about you show me your moves?” the butterflies in jimin’s stomach were out of control at yoongi’s blatant proposition.

but at that moment jimin promised himself that he would go dancing with yoongi on their second date.

“let’s take it one second at a time yoongi, i dont even know if i like the food you picked out for me yet,” jimin teased him, “what if it was a complete miss?”

“it won’t be, my gut never lies to me.” yoongi was definitely cocky but jimin thought that was part of his charm. jimin definitely liked it.

jimin laughed, god he wished he could see yoongi’s face right about now, “what about you yoongi? are you in school? are you from seoul?”

“ah, no-“ yoongi started, “im not from seoul, i was born and raised in daegu. i actually, like you, moved to seoul for school and studied music production. i graduated a few months ago. now i work with my friend who’s an upcoming rapper.”

“congratulations on graduating,” jimin offered and yoongi thanked him in return.

“whats his name?” jimin questioned, honestly wanting to know if he’s heard of his friends work at anytime, “your rapper friend. maybe ive heard the music you guys have made together before,”

“his names rm,” yoongi let out non-chalant but jimin almost chocked on his water.

“you’re friends with rm?” jimin let out in an overly excited tone, “my best friend jungkook loves rm.”

“i could get you two tickets to his next underground show if you’d like?” he asked, his offer sounded sincere.

“i couldn’t-“ jimin let up, “we just met yoongi. i wouldnt want you to have the wrong idea of me.”

“i could never park jimin,” there he goes saying jimin’s name again, it sounded so fucking perfect coming from him and jimin could honestly sit and hear yoongi say his name over and over and over until the sun comes up, “how about this, if you like the food i picked for you, i’ll take you and your friend jungkook to the next rm concert.”

“how about we leave the concert for a third date, i want you all to myself on the dance floor for our second date,” jimin said feeling fearless, teasing him a bit in the process, “well if i like the food you picked out for me, that is.”

“thats a deal park jimin, good thing we’re about to find out.” yoongi said, and less the a second later jimin could smell the delicious food being placed in front of him.

“do you want me to help you with that?” yoongi asked as he noticed jimin struggling a bit to find his fork.

“if you could please,” jimin was about to be fed by a stranger with the most mesmerizing voice. to say his heart was going to beat right out of his chest was no exaggeration.

a couple seconds later, yoongi let out an “open up,” and jimin was met with his favorite kind of pasta, shrimp scampi. jimin was glad yoongi picked out a meal he liked because this meant they had a chance at a second date and jimin couldnt wait.

immidiately jimin clicked the right button under his side of the table signaling he’s liked the dinner picked out by blind date partner. jimin quickly took off his blind fold and after his eyes adjusted to the bright lights in the room he was met with the most beautiful man he’s ever laid eyes on. his tanned skin was honey-like and there was a perfect contrast between his brown sugar skin and his plain white t-shirt. his wide gummy smile made his eyes turned to small crescent moons and at that moment jimin couldnt believe that such a perfect voice belonged to such a perfect human being.

“are you ready to put your dancing shoes on for our second date?” jimin asked as yoongi’s gummy smile grew in size.

———————

this story has very much been alive and well on ao3 give it love there!

thanks for reading <3

[swampgallows]

i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”. 

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.” 

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously. 

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

[pbandjesse]

Ugh today. Thats how I feel right now. I am glad tomorrow is the start of spring break, even if Im working through most of it. I need a change of pace. 

I slept okay I guess. I calmed down after being so upset. And I didnt have as hard of a time falling asleep but staying asleep was harder. I did let myself sleep in until after 930. And didnt get out of bed until 945. So I had a lot less time. But I got up and dressed and while my hair looked filthy, I felt cute. 

I had a bagel and watched a video and was out the door with some art to show the kids. It was muggy out today. Not rainy like yesterday, but humid. 

Work was alright. Only a couple kids again. I got to work on some collages with stickers with one of the kids. And later in the day I showed them the art I make and they used those sticker collages to create their own drawings. I made one too and it was just a nice project. 

But before we did that I had my meeting with my manager. It went okay at first. When I had filled out my SWOT analysis thing I was really upset. It was last week when everything was bad. And she knew that, as I had warned her to take it with some salt. And she did. And a lot of things I had thought, like independent work time and schedules were confirmed. I got things clarified that I didnt know. And that helped make me feel more secure. 

But then at the end of the meeting she tells me that she needs to talk about how I crossed some lines and boundaries yesterday and I was like. What?? Im like running through the whole day and I couldnt think of anything except the kids yelling? But apparently because Im an aid at this site, and not a lead teacher, I shouldnt be talking to parents? I shouldnt be checking in? I shouldnt be doing a bunch of things that have to do with the end of the day. 

And I was shocked. Because I have been at this site for a month. And I have been doing a bunch of these tasks every day. Because I had been told to. It was just shocking.  And I started crying. But I was embarrassed and I was like I know I am crying but this is not because of you I just cant stop. And she was taken aback and I think she tried to keep talking to make me understand but I was just like. How would I know I shouldnt be doing something I was told to do?? And it was just. Really shocking. 

One of the things that bugs me is this aid thing. I dont care about being an aid, its all good. But also I dont understand why I was the lead at the other two sites but not this one? And like. I wasnt in trouble. But the way it was phrased. Crossing a line. Going outside my boundaries. Made me feel like I had done something really bad and offensive and it really hurt my heart. Because I had been trying to do the things I had been told to do from the trainings I did right before I started at this site. Talking to and checking in with parents. Leading projects. Delegating as a team with the other teachers.

But it just felt like. I was being told I was both doing to much and not doing enough. And that was really hard. 

So I dont know what tomorrow will look like. And at the end of the meeting I was still very teary. I went to the upstairs bathroom that no one really uses and cried for a few more minutes. I tried to get my face to stop being so red. And headed back to class. 

It was a mostly quiet day though. We did another story telling game. We did my drawing project. And made little paper crowns. It was mostly a good afternoon. 

Before I left for work today I told James I hoped all the kids would leave by 4. But at 4 we went to the gym to play basketball. We were only in there for a few minutes when I realized that the other side of the gym had a family playing basketball with no masks on so I called upstairs to ask what to do. And she was like. You gotta get out of there. So even though the boys were upset, we went upstairs to the yoga studio and played catch. Me and the only girl did some ballet at the barre. It was nice. 

But then all of a sudden everyone was getting picked up!A And we only had one kid left. And since we have another staff at night I got to bounce. Awesome. 

I was home before 5. I put my stuff away, put a pizza in the oven, and played some animal crossing. I was supposed to have a meeting at 6 so I prepared myself for that. But then it got pushed back until 7. All good. James went for a walk and brought me french fries home. And I had a really nice meeting with Alexi about camp. 

Im going to be going out there for the first 3 days of next week for a spring break camp. I have a bunch of projects to come up with for programs. Im really excited. 

I still hope things are a little more normal after this summer and I can work closer with camp rather than any other job. But well just have to see. Im really excited to go out there for this little bit of time. 

James made cupcakes for me to take to work tomorrow. And while they were finishing that I went and took a bath. Helped my back a little bit. And Ive just been hanging out on the couch for a bit. 

Now Im going to brush my teeth and try to sleep. I got my schedule at work changed so I dont have to go in til 1 tomorrow, and noon on T/W/T, so Im pleased about that. 

I hope you have a great night everyone. Sleep well. Wash your hands. 

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???