#a woman is anything I say it is - incredible logic

[bumblingbabooshka]

Thinking about marriage/women's rights on Vulcan Some may think that T'Pring not being allowed to divorce Spock was because he was going through the pon farr but if she were allowed to divorce him at all she probably would have done that a long time ago, confirmed by T'Pol when she's speaking with Koss, who isn't suffering from the pon farr. She says that he can choose another mate (without invoking a fight it seems: note the difference between a 'mate' and a 'challenger') and after he makes it clear that nothing she says will change his mind about marrying her, she finally threatens to declare a kal-if-fee. It's clear that Vulcan women cannot divorce/refuse to marry a man they've been betrothed to under any circumstances if A) He himself doesn't consent to ending their marriage or B) She doesn't have someone else waiting in the wings to be given to in his stead. Though, if the challenger she selects fails to win the fight, she'll have to marry her betrothed anyway unless (again) he decides he doesn't want her after the challenge. That seems like an incredibly unfair system, heavily biased towards men. SNW is an alternate universe in many obvious respects but most egregiously in that T'Pring has a lot of non-canonical agency over her relationship with Spock. It's interesting to me that Vulcan society has women in many positions of power and treats women as equal to men from what I've seen despite these laws. We don't really see Vulcans exhibiting a misogynistic attitude towards women in general but in TOS (perhaps because of its general writing style but it's still interesting to note) both Sarek and Spock take on patriarchal attitudes specifically regarding wives. Amanda says that 'of course' Sarek commands her because "he is a Vulcan and I am his wife." It's worthwhile in my eyes to note that she specifies 'wife' instead of attributing this attitude to women as a whole. Again, with TOS' writing style it wouldn't be out of place for her to say "he is a man and I am a woman." Spock, while in a pon farr induced irritation, states that it's "undignified for a woman to play servant to a man that isn't hers" - again implying that there's something specific about being a Wife in Vulcan society which is different from being a woman in general and demands subservience to a husband. This could perhaps stem from the extreme sense of ownership that Vulcan law has permitted men to have over women. A woman legally cannot point blank refuse marriage. There is no option which guarantees she won't have to marry her betrothed other than death. When T'Pau speaks of T'Pring she refers to her as being 'property' and Stonn, before being interrupted, states he's made 'the ancient claim' - we don't know what this is because he gets cut off but it's obvious they're both using the language of Vulcan law. Men are permitted true freedom to choose. If a woman wants to choose someone else to be with there is no option available to her other than the kal-if-fee which might result in the death of the one she wants to be with. And, if her lover fails, her husband can still just decide he wants to marry her and she'll be forced to. T'Pring gives two scenarios: One where Spock 'frees' her and one where he doesn't - it's still ultimately his decision which is clear when he ends the conversation with "Stonn, she is yours." This again isn't just because of the pon farr as T'Pol also goes through this. Koss can choose another mate and when the option is talked about there's no implication that this would result in any sort of fight (both by the casualness of its mention and by the fact that there's no formal word for it unlike the kal-if-fee.) Also, the fact that Koss does eventually grant T'Pol a divorce and it's all fine means that T'Pol isn't lawfully required to have another man waiting if her HUSBAND doesn't want her. It's ONLY required if SHE doesn't want her husband. Tradition must take precedence over individual desire UNLESS!!! You're a man. Then it's fine. Like, your parents might not be happy but legally you're golden.

[regularwomen]

You say you feel like a woman. Why does that make you a woman?

There are people who feel they are animals. Why aren’t they animals?

There are people who feel like they are fictional characters. Why aren’t they fictional characters?

There are people who feel like they are people of colour. Why aren’t they people of colour?

Why is womanhood uniquely available for parody and mockery? Why is woman a term that can’t be strictly defined? What is it you feel that is inherent to womanhood? I don’t think most women feel anything like that, does that make them not women? Are you somehow an expert on womanhood to the point that you can say that what you feel is related to being a women, despite not being one?

What is a woman?

Why does that make you a woman?

[godblooded]

the little kid i work with escaped the ukraine two years ago. my family immigrated in the 50s/60s to escape the turkish occupation in my papou’s village in greece. and it is both immensely heartbreaking and also insanely healing to help someone the way my grandparents weren’t helped when they got to this country.

[sgiandubh]

idk if you’ve watched it yet but in the 10th celebration video, the part where Sam says “we dnt even know when we’ll be released” and Caitríona’s reaction to it had me👀….like the rest of us it seems they too can’t wait for it all to end so they can finally “released” and free from St*rz clutches. But i thought that was interesting thing to take notice of

Dear Reaction Anon,

Of course I watched it. Friday, even. But I have a dinner to plan for Wednesday, my car to sell (plot thickens...), dinners in town and various people to see.... So, sorry for the delayed answer and so incredibly sorry for being also late to the Shipper Feast.

Almost everything has been dissected to death, as it always happens, but I might still throw in my two cents, after all. So, I'll simply relisten to that video as I answer you and hit stop every time something interesting that has not been mentioned in here yet, made me go hmmm, ok?

At the 01:35 mark, S: 'yeah, it was such a whirlwind, you know, I mean, going straight into screentests and then looking for THE Claire, and it took quite a while, and then this one landed in Scotland, you know, weeks before we just started'

Here is her reaction - definitely fed up with this peasant, right?

Also, as a side note, did you notice how emotional S gets every single time babies and domestic scenes are mentioned? For a man who supposedly has no family of his own, that is surely strange.

And then you are so, so right, Anon, this is how she reacted to his 'being in a bubble for ten years and we don't even know when we'll be released what the world looks like' comment:

Did I notice an impish smile? Well, I surely did, Anon - and so did you.

It was a smart move to watch them watch OL. I found it very interesting, lots of clues about their joint dynamic:

She, as always, is leading the pack. He is more reserved and usually takes his cues from her, constantly seeks her approval. Gradually relaxes as she seems to imply the context is 'safe enough' to loosen up a bit. And yes, this is all instinctive, by now. If I knew absolutely nothing about These Two and saw them act and react like this IRL, I would definitely have questions.

And yes, I think he could listen to her talking about WWII medical pamphlets and bandages for days and still never get bored. This guy still lives to make her laugh:

Psst, Anon - see how they hate each other, here? Which really makes me think the 'just promo/fan service' argument is borderline schizophrenic, really - and why is S wooden and clumsy when promoting anything else with ANY OTHER WOMAN in our galaxy, by the way? Also, S and McTavish pretending they were still friends at that MIK event in London was 'just fan service' - this? This is not really that.

And then, oh dear me darling, that photo. I can almost hear two different kinds of 'shiiiiit' reactions, here:

He knows he mustn't slip - as he usually does, she is more like 'shiiiiit, hehehe, see what we've done here'. Logically, then, he brings about that sorry modicum of an excuse 'I've been so jetlagged' (jetlag was actually the least problematic thing, in that pic, ROFL; also, there are two people in that pic, bless your 💖🤣). Followed by the only diversion he could think of: bringing in the 'thousands of people, that was incredible, blah blah' - and then she dutifully chimes in: ' I think we did Hall H...? the big one...?' (strange comments for a pic where one can see two very cozy and scantily dressed people, LOL). Dilute, dilute, dilute. But it's Horowitz reply that interested me the most: ' it's too bad you guys aren't photogenic, even after a long flight, like what a mess you guys look like, there':

He threw a bait, C took it: 'weeelllll...' and then Josh ended it with a simple, smiling 'please' that, in my mind, is on par with KDS' 'believe what you want'.

I also found very telling one of the last remarks by Horowitz, too: ' it's ok, they can't fire you now, it's too late, it's way too late'. Granted, it was about the trivia and allegedly in jest, but really?

And there you have it, Anon. Perhaps it's not much, but as always, I tried to take the road less traveled by. Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

[lilydalexf]

hello! I'm new to following you on Tumblr, but I followed your content from Golgle, I wanted to know if by any chance you knew of any fanfic in which Scully recovered her memories of the abduction, I've been wanting to read one like that for a while, but I can't find it, thanks!

Welcome, and thank you for the ask! Here are some good fics where Scully remembers something about her season 2 abduction. Enjoy!

12 Rites of Passage: Regression by Anne Haynes Part 9 of the 12 Rites of Passage series: Mulder and Scully seek a missing woman and discover frightening truths about their pasts. (Sequel to the series: 12 Degrees of Separation.)

Anamorphosis by Megan Reilly Assigned to find a horrifying serial murderer, Agent Scully discovers things about herself and her past that she never suspected.

Comfortably Numb by Paige Caldwell There is no pain...you are receding...a distant ship...smoke on the horizon...you are coming through in waves...Your lips move but I can't hear what you say...I have become comfortably numb...

The Cry of the Truth by A.I. Irving As their love affair unfolds, Scully reveals to Mulder a painful secret relating to her abduction. Mulder's reaction tests their bond and eventually leads Scully to discover a few truths about herself.

Dance Without Sleeping by wonderland (@amplifyme) Scully learns to live with her cancer and take back control of her life. Meanwhile, Mulder works on fulfilling a wish list. (Fic in the same universe: Into Each Other Sinking.)

grief by ms_starlight71 Scully goes in for a routine pap smear sometime post-cancer arc and has a panic attack/flashback related to her abduction.

i'm still in love with who i wish you were by comeherebooch “You were abducted, Scully,” Mulder said, sensing her confusion, “do you remember anything?” Post Requiem.

Ingénue by Punk (@punkm) Mulder and Scully investigate the circumstances surrounding a fifteen-year-old girl's multiple disappearances.

locking out the ghosts by skuls (@ghostbustermelanieking) Post-Emily arc, an emotionally vulnerable Scully breaks off the incredibly new relationship she and Mulder have recently been engaged in. As the season moves forward, how do they cope with this new development in their relationship, and how do the stressful situations their job puts them in affect this?

Malleus Maleficarum by Pellinor A stranger with a tempting offer promises hope in Mulder's time of need. Refusal could cost him and Scully their lives, but could the price of acceptance be greater still?

Movie Night by @nowwhateinstein “Talk about spooky,” he says as the movie fades to black and the credits begin to roll. She laughs and gives a small shake of her head. “That word,” she says. “It means something different to me now.”

Revanche by Ryo Sen Revanche - (noun) political policy designed to recover lost territory or status

Skin by Annie Sewell-Jennings In a world where Mulder and Scully have never met, fate intervenes and brings two worlds colliding in the city of Charleston, as a vicious murderer reigns and a storm approaches.

Right Hand Return by orphan_account An alternative universe in which Scully is returned from her abduction with a baby, no memories of anything prior to her captivity and some PTSD.

Time Can Heal by PostApocolypticAlien (@scullysexual) Mulder realises that his quest for the truth costs too much (WIP)

Truthseekers by Leyla Harrison (No summary provided)

until it heals by actualchangeling (@actual-changeling) Nightmares cannot be fought with logic or light, there is no way of expelling them from her brain, not a single moment of peace to catch her breath. Scully knows one thing that always helps, though. Or rather—someone. When she finds herself lost and drowning, she calls the one person in the world whom she trusts to keep her safe. She calls Mulder.

The Way by KMNAHILL and MD1016 Scully becomes mysteriously ill. Mulder, Melissa, and Tao help to heal her. / On assignment in Chicago, Scully’s illness progresses. / An assignment in Oregon turns out to be more than first expected. Humorous antics from the Lone Gunmen. / Samantha returns and isn’t what Mulder had expected.

White Light by aka_Jake While investigating a young woman's claim of alien abduction, Mulder and Scully are led on a cross-country chase of intrigue and murder. As they search for answers, Scully's own abduction memories resurface.

[valeriascoat]

You look at this young woman not far from you. Her hands are bloody and wounded, dirty bandages lying around. The bruises on her face begin to darken and her broken lip begins to swell. She looks incredibly tired, breathing slowly and looking ahead. Almost as a reflex, she still weakly clenches her fists, apparently still not moving away from the last fight.

You stare at her, as if enchanted. She doesn’t notice this, you don’t bother her with this, as long as she is somewhere very deep inside herself.

You assume she has a hard life. Something was breaking her so much that now the only thing she is holding on to is... You don’t know. You can't know what you haven't been told. It becomes interesting what happened to her. How is it that she has to fight every day - and it’s not about the ring, but about something inside. It can be seen. You see.

At some point you get up and leave, to get something and think about it at the same time. Would she mind? If she does, she will refuse and leave, or hit. She shouldn't be afraid of that. Yes, that sounds logical. But you still didn’t want to cause additional inconvenience.

Returning with the medical items, you slowly, but with an attempt at confidence, approach this young woman. Now you notice that her hair is dyed. The pink color is visible. Why did she hide such a pretty color of her natural hair?

– Hey... how are you?

Sitting in front of you, she slightly moved her shoulders and did not look up.

– Fine.

Idiot question. Fuck. You scratch your neck awkwardly.

– Sorry, it was stupid. Uh... Will you mind my company?

She doesn't answer at first. You are patiently silent, wait, don't rush her. A few minutes pass she finally sighs, nodding.

– Well, I don't mind.

You can feel her doubt in your skin. She didn't really want it, but she agreed. This made me happy, causing a slight smile. You sit down next to her, at some distance, so as not to be unpleasant.

– Thank you.

She doesn't say anything. You hesitate, but remain calm and unhurried.

– So... What's your name?

She seems to be joining the conversation a little. She draws her legs to her chest, crossing her arms and resting her head on them.

– Vi.

– Glad to meet you, Vi.

You speak in a kind, friendly tone. Vi sighs slightly. For some reason, it seems to you that she doesn’t feel any particular danger from you, but only because she’s not going to let you get close. Her cocoon does not change.

It's kind of awkward. You want to continue the conversation, but you can’t even think of the next question at the moment.

She asks it, turning her face slightly towards you.

– What is yours?

If it were possible to describe the state with signs, it would be “!!!!!!“

Her answering question pleased me more than it should have. You say your name, smiling at her. Vi seems a little... confused by your reaction. Such emotionality over such a trifle looks strange.

– ...nice to meet you too, i think.

Her answer is not rude, although her voice sounds with some very incredulous notes. But that's not to say she's tense. You're still not in the zone to harm her.

– Did you draw the eye shadow yourself? All this makeup? Is it your um.. image?

You ask simply, without any subtext. Curiosity is evident in your eyes.

Vi feels a strange pang inside. This is not an image. This is her life now. Not the image, but who the hell she is. But does anyone think otherwise?

– No. This is not an image. And... Yes, I did it myself.

You stop short. It was awkward that you misunderstood her, but hey, she calmly explained!

– Here's how... Looks great I think? You know, black contrasts so much with your eyes, and.. looks cool!

You stutter, suddenly unsure of how to say it better. But Vi chuckles a little. She doesn't quite understand why you're so nervous, but she doesn't judge. You don't know her, so there's no need for her to get angry to your words.

– Relax. Don't be nervous.

Her words cut you off, feeling ashamed that you even considered meeting her. The lips themselves stretch into a smile.

– Okay-okay, hehe. Sorry.

She relaxes her posture, lowering her leg and extending her hand to your shoulder.

– Why are you apologizing? You haven't done anything to me that you need to apologize for.

You try not to look at her hand on your shoulder. The fact that she even made this gesture. I relaxed a little. She herself calms you down from the burning stupid cheeks of awkwardness.

– Yeah, you right…

Vi is amused. In her chest, in her very essence, everything is still too heavy. Memories, thoughts, feelings that compress the ribs - they don’t go away anywhere. But for a moment, on top of it all, she allows a slight moment of relaxation to wash over her. A little.

She wanted to lightly hit you on the shoulder with her fist, when she suddenly winced, causing you to gasp along with her. She presses her palm against the knuckles of her other hand. Bleeding wounds reminded of themselves, the scabs on them painfully cracked.

You look at this and suddenly take her wrists in a careful grip, not even squeezing. You gently stroke the uninjured parts of her arms with your thumbs. Your own hands were cool, soothing her hot skin. Vi looks at you tensely, but doesn't do anything. The feeling is good. It forces her not to pull her hands away. And the fact that overall you seemed good to her too.

– I... uh... I have something and I can try to treat your wounds. Do you mind?

Helping someone will always be difficult, because you don’t know what will be right for this particular person. She doesn't answer. You start to get a little worried, but as soon as you look up at her face, you notice that she herself looks unsure.

A moment of vulnerability. Vi glanced at you and now she looks different - she this emotion. She snorts quietly, hiding her eyes.

– Do whatever you want.

Her answer is your permission. A little doubtful, but nevertheless she does not remove her hands, although they are slightly tense. Gently squeezing her wrists, you nod before breaking away from her and rummaging through her bag. You take out disinfectant and some dry wipes. After wetting them with it, you carefully clean her damaged knuckles. Vi hisses, and you gently blow on them, soothing the pain.

You treat her face the same way, avoiding her lips. Then you glue the patches on her cheek, and wrap her knuckles in bandages - just like before.

At this time, you only quietly said something about what you were doing. Vi was silent.

– Ready!

You tie a knot and check to make sure it doesn't feel too tight. Her palms are calloused and rough, but at this moment they feel amazingly tender. You wanted to treat them gently. The young woman slowly removed her hands from yours, kneading them. Still feeling your ghostly touch.

– Good.

Her approval makes your happy. The fact that you managed to help a little. Do what you wanted and not be blamed for unnecessary kindness.

– Thank you.

– Thank you.

The simultaneous pronunciation of this phrase makes you both laugh lightly.

It still hurt, either inside or her body. Where you treated it still ached, and her split lip throbbed. But your sudden appearance, as well as an innocent desire to do a little better, allowed her to smile. A little strange, but good.

You were glad that for once you managed to do something good for someone else. Clumsily, but sincerely. Seeing her feel just a little bit better brought warmth to your chest.

It felt like you knew her. Once upon a time. Just met again, at another time, in another life, in another universe.

You don't feel great overnight. Your burdens run deep, just like hers. But it seemed that meeting was... right.

At least in this scenario.

[balkanradfem]

So, in the light of sharing lesbian experiences, I thought I'd try sharing a story that makes me wary of dating; it ends in hubris, so be warned. It might make it more clear why I'm not trying to date the hot woman in my building! Click read more for a long sad lesbian story.

Years ago, I had a crush on a woman I met on tumblr. I started talking to her, and I told her honestly that I like her, and asked her if she was into women. She said yes! We started chatting and communicating daily, and after a bit we switched over to sending emails, so we could write long stories to each other. She was incredibly smart, talented, creative, she was a good storyteller, she knew so much about plants and animals, she had a garden, a dog, she lived in a country close to mine, so I could logically, at one point, sit on a train and meet her.

After we talked excitedly for a while, she told me she has a crush on me too. I was so happy. The unreachable scenario, your crush likes you back. I was living it, I was beside myself. I was dreaming of being in a relationship with her and how that would look like, and she was sending me flirty little messages in the emails. We kept talking, and slightly flirting with each other in our emails, and this went on for months. She would tell me about her life, experiences, past relationships, her art and books she wrote. I was into it all, I read anything she wrote or drew, I offered support whenever she was having a rough time or was bothered by something. I noticed at this point that if I send her my stuff, she doesn't really comment on it, but I felt okay about it, since I already had enough confidence, and wasn't looking to get praise.

During this time, I grew attached to her, I started to really love her. She was sweet and warm and so interesting to me. She knew a lot about stuff I didn't! Her stories and art were admirable and I remember fondly going trough it over and over. I felt a little bit like a child next to her, since she was 10 years older, and smarter, and I kept trying to prove that I too, am an adult, who knows stuff, and is smart. At one point we decided to have a video call, and I was so nervous, I had to go be outside to connect to a wifi, and I kept thinking what if it's awkward, what if we don't know what to say? I decided to tackle that issue by going trough a comic she drew and then using the call to give her tons of feedback, praise and opinions on it, it was a long comic so I was able to talk about it for an hour! She was happy to discuss it and our conversation went lightly and we had fun. I asked her at the end if she had a good time, and she said – yes, we talked about me the entire time! And I hadn't even realized that, until she said it. I think I felt a bit weird about it afterwards, because I do tend to fixate on people I like a lot, but ultimately, you know, we could talk about other things next time.

This is where things started feeling weird. We were talking for about 6 months then, and she was starting to disappear without notice. I wouldn't get my emails answered in a while, and every time I grew anxious and upset, wondering if I did something wrong, or she just got busy. At first I just blamed myself for, you know, being mentally ill, having abandonment issues, worrying too much. But I felt more anxious every time she'd disappear. I would sometimes have to go away too, for a few days, but I would always warn her, and let her know when I'd be away, and when I'd come back. She'd never say anything. So next time she disappeared on me, I asked her to please just let me know when she's leaving, because I easily get worried and miss her, and I do have some issues that make me feel abandoned. She said it was difficult for her to read this, because it makes her look inconsiderate in comparison to me, but she'll of course, say something next time.

She didn't. She kept both disappearing, and being too busy to respond to me. And even though we started talking with the idea of being in a relationship, it was never later discussed or prompted again, she only would add one flirty sentence to each email, so I'd know she's still interested. But now she was disappearing, or ignoring me, or  - just lost interest. I had to slowly realize that we were not, in fact, going to date. Because if she wanted to be in a relationship, surely by now it would be at least discussed or mentioned, and we would want to spend more time together, find out more about each other. And instead she was responding to me less, growing away from me, but still wrote in flirty lines. I was heartbroken, but also found it too difficult to keep pretending that it's going to happen, when it clearly was not, the contrast of what she was saying, and what was happening, was too much for me.

It took me a hot minute to gather my courage, and then I wrote to her that her disappearances are heavy on my mental health, and in order for me to feel normal about it, it's best if we continue as just good friends, and then I won't have to be stressed about why she's not responding to me. And she responded to that one instantly, saying no, we're going to date, in fact we can be dating now, she wants to. But this was instead, even more confusing to me, because why now? We didn't mention it for months, there was no progression towards it, she's organically responding to me less and less, obviously losing interest in talking regularly, she didn't care to warn me of her disappearances to ease my worry and anxiety over losing her, so how could she actually want to date? I sent her an email apologizing, calling myself an idiot, offering to talk her trough my mental process of making this decision, blamed it all on myself and my mental illness, but I couldn't bring myself back in the mindset of just, waiting for her messages, worrying if she was losing interest in me, worrying if I did something wrong and she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was mortifying to me.

I sent her further two emails apologizing and asking if she was okay, now worried if I hurt her with my giving up on romance, if she's maybe upset with me. I said sorry so many times and asked her to please share with me how this has affected her.

She never replied to any. She never talked to me again.

And I didn't understand, for a long time, what had happened there. Nothing made sense to me, in one second she was asking for a relationship, and then in the next moment she was done with me forever. I waited for a reply for such a long time, before I finally accepted that it's not coming, she wasn't... she wasn't interested in even being friends with me.

This was baffling, because I believed we had, in fact, created a good friendship over those 6 months! We learned about each other's lives, interests, pasts, we discussed ideas and art and feminism and capitalism, we told each other stories, we shared our struggles and days, we had our jokes and references, I had an entire library of her works and art in my head at this point and cared for her deeply. I thought we had a bond, and regardless of it being a friendship or a romance, we cared for each other. And I could see we weren't going to progress to a relationship, because she lost interest, or at least the desire to talk to me regularly, and I accepted it, so what was wrong?

Well, it would take me months more of thinking it trough and catching little hints and signs of things that were wrong. During our conversation, since I hoped that we would date, I would regularly try to prop her up and make her feel good about herself; I always wanted her to feel special and amazing, and would often shower her in praise and admiration. I wanted her to know that being with me would mean constant support and appreciation of everything good about her, and she'd get endless warmth and adoration, because this is what I thought relationships should be like, right, and I wanted her to know that's what I wanted for us. This sentiment was not returned to me in kind, but I didn't mind since I could already feel good about myself. She also didn't react if I sent her some of my work, but I would react to her stuff for ages, because I knew how good it is to get feedback on your own creation, anyone would enjoy that. I realized belatedly, that when she'd ask for support, I'd drop everything to reassure her and comfort her, and be mad at her behalf, while when I asked for support, she'd kinda side with me but still talk about herself. But all of these things were so subtle and tiny to me, I couldn't even see them over the excitement of 'my crush likes me back'.

I wondered, if she wasn't into me at all, then why didn't she just turn me down at the start, or somewhere down the line, she could tell me if she wasn't actually interested in dating me. Because if she seriously did want to date me, then she could have tried being friends with me, speak with me more consistently, show me that she was serious and that she does want to talk to me, and then try for a relationship later; it was unlikely that I would say no, I was filled with adoration for her. So she didn't want a relationship, and she didn't want a friendship, so why didn't she just say no to me?

Because she wanted the attention. She liked being adored and having someone pursue her so passionately. And the rest... didn't really matter to her. She would have only talked to me, and flirted with me, to have me believe we were going to date, and the second I didn't believe it, and I wouldn't pursue her in that way.. I was as good as dead to her. I was just a resource in there. She didn't care when I was starting to get hurt by being ignored by her, and she didn't care when I specifically said to her that I was struggling with mental health because she was trying to have me believe in something I saw wasn't true. She still tried to push me back into pursuing her after I gave up because of pain. She wanted the attention even when it was hurting me to give it.

I also tried to put myself in her shoes, and see how I would react in her place. I imagined if I had flirted with someone, and then ignored them for a while, and they then asked to be just friends. I don't think I would have even attempted to persuade them to go back to how they were before, because I would be horrified that I set this person up with false expectations, and then caused them pain by failing them. I would be relieved that they weren't mad at me for leading them on, and would feel awful for leading them on at all. But I also wouldn't even bring myself into this situation; if I had feelings for someone, and then realized they're fading away, but this person was still hopeful, or anxious, I'd have to set them straight and tell them what's up, so they could get a chance to move on. Saying 'no I actually want to date, lets go back to that' when I'm ready to drop them in an instant would be unthinkable to me.

What happened was so much worse than being rejected, or turned down. I was at this point wishing so badly that I had just been rejected. I would have moved on from that in a day or two. I had created a whole bond with a person who could not have cared less, and who dropped me the second I did something they didn't like. If I had known that's the reality of it, I would have never wanted to be friends, or anything else. And I also had no way of knowing, it was a shock when things turned out this badly.

I left that experience with some new conclusions. One was that I'll never try to date someone who makes me feel like a child. When I would feel dumb or childish next to her, she would poke fun at it and tease me about it, when I would genuinely feel not taken seriously, and I hated every minute of it, I hated having to prove that I'm an equal to someone. I also would no longer try to pursue anyone with so much love and attention. I might have been wrong to be so honest and direct with my intentions and my feelings. I set myself up for exploitation. It wasn't the first time I was exploited in that way either, this was just one of the worst ones.

After this experience, for a while I stopped liking people in general. Considering even being friends with someone, filled me with anxiety and exhaustion. I fell depressed and had thoughts about never talking to anyone again. I just didn't want to be put trough this again, and it took time for me to believe that a person can be that selfish and cruel, and hide it for so long, I didn't believe this could happen. I guess it hit me worse than it would have because I have abandonment issues, and this falls heavy on a heart of a person who's been abandoned before.

But anyway, I am feeling better now, and I'm very careful about having any kind of ideas about dating! I'm not interested in anyone who gives even the tiniest hint of mixed signals, or wanting to play with my heart, or promise anything unlikely or far down the line. If someone says they like me I won't even believe them! But, I'm keeping my honesty, and I won't set anyone up for this kind of pain. If I don't intend to be with someone, they'll know right away :).

[that-trans-autistic-guy]

why i love the edwin-crystal sibling like relationship from memory and why it makes me love crystal even more

there simply isn't enough online about 1. how awesome crystal is as a character and 2. how awesome her and edwin's relationship is. so imma dump all my thoughts here from pure memory.

ep1: so yeah, they start rough. but when jenny points out to crystal that she's so focused on her own problems that she's ignoring everyone else's, just like how she said the boys did, she resolves to change that. she realized she was being unfair because it was pointed out and she decided to try and be better. when edwin breaks down, she's listening. she's listening and understanding. she tells this boy, who has not been the nicest to her but she's beginning to understand, that she gets it. that she sees him, that his unnoticed death matters to her. she sees the sharp, jagged, raw and emotional parts of a boy that she'd only seen as cold and logical thus far. and when his unusually timid voice asks if they can focus on becky's case, she agrees. in the butcher shop, she offers to once again explain the internet to edwin. implying that she'd already done so. and she says it without any condescendence. when she's knocked to the ground, edwin helps her up and they sort of cling to each other as charles is reckless.

ep2: not as much here from what i remember but there's still some stuff. edwin does actually commend her actions in luring the sprites out, followed by telling her not to do it again. from an emotionally repressed boy from a time when fixing each other's clothes was the most intimate thing you could do in public, thats quite a big step.

ep3: one of my personal faves. crystal is quick to point out that edwin is jealous of her and charles. she does actually assure him that nothing would happen and its just a small show of her care for his feelings. now, in the house, do they bicker and argue? yes they do. but i would argue that most of that is fueled by their anxiety and fear for charles. when crystal points out that charles has issues, he ultimately listens. its shown immediately the next ep when he tries to be better and offer himself as a safe space, something he wouldn't have thought to do without crystal's guidance. when they actually work together, its incredible. crystal literally fights her own personal demon to get back to the boys. edwin is trusting her enough to openly admit that he has no idea how a vhs works and trusts her to put in the work to save his person. when she's in danger, he pulls her out because he cares and she's given him reason to. she doesn't question when she comes out from her own head and edwin immediately asks for help, something he almost never does. when she talks about how she's a bad person, edwin immediately tells her that she isn't. he wastes no time in assuring her that she couldn't be anything but the person she is now. she also points out the moment charles' mask goes right back up and offers a lot of insight to edwin. because edwin hasn't really had a friend before charles and charles was already doing this when they met. he had no reason to think that it wasn't a normal thing. but crystal points it out and he notices, he listens and he learns.

ep4: this is another one i dont particularly remember much of these two from. the ep starts with edwin asking if charles wanted to talk about his father, something he never would have done without crystal's guidance. when edwin tells crystal and charles to go off together, she asks him if he's ok, which in the moment, is said in a somewhat joking tone. but once he's gone, she asks charles about it because she's concerned about him and she knows him well enough to know something's wrong. when she's angry that the washer woman didn't give her an answer, he apologizes genuinely because he does want the best for her.

ep5: this ep starts off with a lot of emotional maturity from crystal. she admits that she isn't in the right space to start a relationship and i'll be honest, i hadn't seen that from a show before. made me love her even more. one of my favorite moments of the show is them haunting twitchy ritchy. when he makes deprecating and homophobic 'jokes', crystal is quick to shut him down. and i would argue that she knew edwin was gay, i'd argue for hours. she notices his distress and immediately shuts the dude down, and hard. in return, when ritchy tries to be intimidating, edwin is the first to step in. he extinguishes the flame with a satisfied lil smirk and crystal didn't even have to look over to know that he would step in. and we don't really see it, but i'd bet watching edwin do childish little haunting things probably made her smile. it's a scene i think about all the time. when edwin shoos them away from the summoning and charles questions his choice, crystal sticks up for the decision. its small and unintentional, but there is an aspect where she admits that he's right. something she wouldn't do if she didn't like him and respect him. and when edwin realizes that marin killed the jocks, he's rushing out behind charles. hell it looks like he's pushing him forward to get them downstairs. crystal emphasizes at the end that she sympathizes with the boys, that it was a shitty thing to have in common that they were all victims. yet she offers her sympathy nonetheless. and when edwin says he's had enough emotion for the day, she isn't offended that he wasn't receptive or anything like that. she just smiles, knowing that he really can't handle a lot of emotions and she knows that he doesn't mean anything negative by it. she shows that she understands him and that she doesn't judge who he is.

ep6: when crystal loses her powers, she's scared to tell edwin. she says that she's afraid that he would consider her useless and toss her aside. but that stems from the fact that she really values him as a friend and is scared of being abandoned by the only people she has. and when edwin finds out, he is shocked sure but he's also concerned. he insists that he wouldn't have left her behind and she tells him that he would. its an emotional moment for her and i wouldn't write off that she's just really defensive in the moment. when she sees the boys in trouble, about to be dead-dead, that's when she regains her abilities because she cares about both of the boys and gods be damned if she's gonna let a witch tear them from her. and as the walk back, she leans into charles because she knows edwin doesn't like touch. but he's still right behind her, still nearby and offering silent support. and he goes the step of naming one of their plans after her, plain and simple. she shows her appreciation in the same slightly sarcastic tone they use with each other all the time.

ep7: so many thoughts. the second she finds out that edwin is in hell, she's already resolved to go get him. she has known the boy for a few weeks at most and she cares so much and is so selfless that she doesn't hesitate to volunteer to go to actual fucking hell. when she's told she can't? she tracks down her abusive demon ex who has literally tormented and plagued her mind nonstop. she walks right into his domain and demands he open her a door to hell. literally demands the person who has ruined her life to let her into hell to rescue her friend. when he refuses? she's ready to throw hands and doesn't hesitate to do so. and when the boys come back? yes, she does hug charles and not edwin, but she knows that isn't his thing. but when it cuts back to the teens after the night nurse speaks, you see her arm falling from edwin's. even though he hates hugs and she knows it, she still reached out and held his arm to show how happy she was that he was there, that he was safe. because even though he doesn't hug, she still needed to show him she was happy he was back. she talks about how she fought david and edwin expresses surprise and concern. her retort? 'it was the funniest thing. my friend got dragged to hell and i just had to try and help him.' she doesn't even think about hiding how much she cares and edwin's little smile just confirms how much it means to him.

ep8: when she's recovering her memories, edwin is there. he's watching over her with charles and that just hits something in me. he must have spent so long in the dollhouse exhausted, hoping someone would watch over him so he could be safe and rest. and when crystal is vulnerable, he's doing it. he watches over her as she calls her parents and the second she says that they didn't care, he is insisting that there must be some kind of explanation. every time she wakes up after eating the memory orbs, he rushing to her right beside charles. and i'd bet my bottom dollar he was stressed the whole time she was out. when crystal leaves, edwin does offer her a handshake. she jokes about how he's changed, how he's gotten friendlier, and he jokes back, even throwing in a reference to hell. it's a sweet little interaction and it shows their friendship and familiarity. esther takes the boys and she doesn't hesitate to work a way to get them back. she goes right to the cat king and argues that edwin is her friend and tck should help them because he has personal interest. she charges right into esther's house and already has a plan in place. she spends a minute on charles because she knows edwin's in danger and his screams are fucking unbearable. she offers herself as a distraction so niko can free edwin. when she's pinned against the wall, she scream-pleads for edwin to hold on and it is full of desperation, because she needs her friend to be okay. that scream haunts my mind because she is scared and she knows he is too, and she needs him to hold on and be okay. and when niko 'dies', they are huddled over her body and mourning together. in the end, edwin gives her a professional offer for her to have a permanent place with the agency. and this girl, so naturally full of love and affection, hugs him with a massive smile on her face. because she's been looking for people to belong with and she's found em and they want her around. and she's gonna do anything she can to hold onto them, come hell, demons or high water.

basically, crystal is beyond amazing and her sibling relationship with edwin is my favorite. if you don't like her, argue with the goddamn wall.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Jack and Joker - final thoughts

Since the takes in the tags are... quite all over, I just want to be open about how I approach watching QLs.

1. I'm here to have fun. Real life sucks immensely right now, and QLs are my happy place.

2. I'm very aware that I am a white woman from a Western country and that I am a guest in East Asian spaces. I have internalized biases because of my background, and I believe it's my responsibility to learn and grow and figure out how to be open to other cultures & experiences without jumping to assumption.

3. I love metaphorical storytelling. I love when people take risks and try something new. I don't care if there are some logical inconsistencies or issues with budget. I am here for how it makes me feel, and what I can learn from it.

So, all that being said...

I had such a good time with this show!

I'm still processing a lot about it, and I know I will be thinking about it for some time to come. But they did so much that I appreciated. I don't have the time to go into great detail, but in very broad terms - what I loved:

Of course Yin and War. What an incredible job they did. I know this was a really challenging project for them, and they took a lot of personal risks. They are so conscientious about harmful tropes and stereotypes, and deliberate in working to break those down. I'm so proud of them, and excited to see where they go from here.

The characters. From the leads to the sides, I just adored so many of them. Jack and Joke were both such imperfect and flawed characters, but that made them so interesting to me. I loved our little troupe of idiots. I loved Toi Ting. I loved Grandma. Everyone was so vividly portrayed. Hope and Save's devotion to one another. Tattoo and Arun gradually becoming boyfriends without either one noticing. The fanfics are gonna be fire.

The storytelling. Yin and War could have easily made a fluffy romance, and people would have eaten it all up (and probably complained a lot less, lol). But it wouldn't have really said anything. They wanted to do something more complex than that. They had a lot to say about being trapped in a political & economic system that is not of our choosing and that we have no control over, and what it means for individuals to try and live out their ethics and values while knowing the system is not going anywhere. Save being the new Boss isn't a perfect solution, it's not a "yay, it's all better now!". It's a "well at least this position that will be filled one way or another is filled by a slightly less shitty person now, so maybe we can live our lives without being beaten up this year". And the Four Horsemen don't go anywhere, because systems of power are fixed. We remain beholden to them. But we can still try to carve out our little pieces of a place to hold true to ourselves and those we love.

Overall, this show made me laugh, made me cry, and made me literally applaud alone in my apartment. It wasn't perfect, there were flaws, but damn was it an incredible experience.

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday amazing fandom :) I realized last review forgot to mention with it being the 100th ep that I hit quite a milestone myself. It was my 100th review. Unreal and proud of myself for doing 100 of these. Now it's my 101st with this one. They’re hard work but enjoy doing them so much.

Love the responses these have gotten. So Thank you to everyone who's commented, liked or reblogged any of these 100 you are amazing. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know. This episode is adorable for so many reasons lots of good Chenford nuggets in here and lots of John/Bailey moments I can fast forward LOL Let us get started.

6x03 Trouble in Paradise

We start with some GLORIOUS domestic Chenford. I mean legit glorious. Tim with his early morning scratchy voice. Leaning against that door frame like the delicious sight he is. Also let’s not by-pass the scruff. It's littered all over that sexy jawline of his. Mmm. Take me now sir. Anyways....To top it off he’s in his jam jams I love this. He asks her if she slept at all? Lucy telling him she’ll sleep when she’s taken the exam and gotten detective.

Tim scoffing knowing she’s not sleeping then either LOL I mean he’s not wrong…He’s so damn supportive as he listens in as she explains what she’s prepared on. The way he just nods along and listens to her vent. Every woman’s dream Tim Bradford every woman's. Checking in to test the temperature of her neuroses today heh I love him for it. He just wants to love her through this so much. It makes my heart so happy.

Lucy explains how it’s the oral portion that’s keeping her up at night. It would be keeping me up too honestly. Especially with how subjective it is. Also like to note how unfair it is how friggin pretty Lucy looks in the morning. Wish I could look that good ha. Tim asking if she still thinks Primm is out to get her? Then explains her cookie debacle. How she brought him some homemade ones and he just tossed them. I mean that's pretty damn rude....What a schmuck.

I relate to Lucy’s anxiety so much. Because I am her when I am very stressed and anxious. I get hyper focused and can’t relax. Won’t let myself do anything till that’s done. Tim once again does his damndest to calm her, support her and reassure her it’ll be ok. The man deserves a gold star for how amazing he is eps 1-4 truly. He is 10/10 incredible for her. Her legit support system through out this whole thing.

The way he tries to take her highlighter cracks me up. Gently placing his hands over hers and pulls. She holds onto it for dear life though so he gives up. lol Tim tries a different tactic. He tells her she can over-prepare. Which is true. I’ve lived this life. BUT when you are this stressed/anxious that ain’t coming through. Her reply cracks me up. ‘No, that is an idea that lazy people created.’ LMAO This made me laugh so hard cause I would say something to this effect.

Tim does a Hail Mary of logic in this last portion. Telling her she’s gonna get in her head, how she just needs to trust herself and then let it go. His smile is so pure and sweet. Truly thinking he’s gotten through to his girl finally. The way she nods. Then Lucy instantly walks it back ‘ Yeah, I don’t think I can do that.’ I’m rolling. Oh Lucy I do get you girl. Least she’s honest with her man ahha

Tim knows when to tap out and does as such. With a frustrated groan he gets up. Knowing he’s not gonna break her study spell. Noting he’s gonna go take a shower then. Little does he know the prospect of him wet and naked is enough to break it. Lucy is surprised at his sudden departure. Asking if he means right now? He’s so over the convo just gives her a ‘Yeah.’ Wiping his hands of this situation for the moment.

Lucy lust's after him as he walks away from her. The thought of Tim being her break is far more enticing than a normal break. Mmm don’t blame you girl. I would be using that man for all kinds of stress relief if I was you... Lucy finally gets up and follows her man to the shower. For a much needed break. I love the continuity of their shower sex LOL It’s bloody fantastic and we’re all here for it. I saw a great post that said ‘If only 5x01 Tim could see himself now.’ He would lose his friggin mind.

Getting all the shower sex and shower time he wants with Lucy now. She seeks him out for it and vice versa. Gah so good. The writers sure know how to take care of us. Especially with moments like this. D wrote a fantastic fic about this moment. Highly encourage you to read it. Also saw a great tag for this as well. It was their head canon he did that on purpose to get her to unwind with him. Sold! LOL I love this fandom and how it thinks.

We get to see Tim back in T.O mode and it revs my engine everyone. hahaha It just does especially after not seeing it for awhile. Tim standing there looking criminally delicious in one of my fav poses. Arms crossed, biceps bulging, and forearms front and center. Hot damn he’s such a sight.

Celina is being reprimanded for her behavior at the wedding. Because honestly it was concerning to say the least. With Nolan out and Harper needing to get back to the detective squad Tim is taking over. Lucy catches his eye and he knows she’s up to something. I love his expression. He knows he needs to see what is going on. He barks orders at Celina to get war bags ready before he goes to check on his girl.

Lucy going to Smitty has to be one of the most hysterical things. Tim literally just told her to cool it for her sanity. What does she do? Go to friggin Smitty. I’m dying. Thinking it won’t get back to Tim. Your husband done found out already dear. ha I do love the tip Smitty gives her on how Primm loves dogs. Such a Melissa detail there. Appealing to the animal lover in her. Tim interrupts their impromptu study session. This scene is comedy gold. Always is with Smitty. Dude isn’t in the show a ton but when he is. Man delivers haha

Tim can’t believe she’s gone to Smitty to study of all people. It is hilarious how offended he is when Lucy says ‘Is he even really helping her?’ Like damn that's ice cold Lucy. Man was just giving you valuable intel lol Tim corralling his girlfriend into his shift for the day is everything. Once again kudos to our man for doing his best for her. Trying to get an obsessive perfectionist to chill is quite the battle to take on. Not only chill but focus on something eIse entirely isn't easy.

I would know I am her and I feel bad for my friends when I get like this. heh. Tim riding the line between BF and Sergeant in front of Smitty is fantastic. She’s like a toddler right now and he’s continuously trying to keep her from the outlets. The parameters he puts down for both Celina and her crack me up. Still got that T.O bark in him for her. The way his eyes follow her out. *dreamy sigh* That BF side coming back out there. Smitty's comment snaps him out of it though. Too funny.

S7. Imma need more of this trio right here. On and off work. It’s such a good one right off the bat. Celina rambling nervously while Lucy enjoys herself in the back. You know she loves watching him in T.O. mode. Just like the rest of us. We also get the delicious eargasm of him saying ‘Juarez’ with that that sexy inflection of his. If it seems like I’m extra feral this ep for him it's because I am LOL No point in fighting it. I am who I am.

Lucy brings up Aaron and Tim is instantly annoyed. That convo doesn't last more than 20 seconds. Tim pulls the car over immediately jolting them both. Telling them both to get out of the car. Ahh S1 Tim trying to make an appearance. Lucy isn’t phased in the least. Because no matter what she knows soft Tim. Also just had her way with him this morning. She ain’t scared ha Their amazing dynamic never ceases to amaze me. Lucy concedes and says they can just talk at lunch...

I do love them Co-T.O’ing Celina in this one. Perfect mixture of hug and smack really. They respond to a guy who claims to have ‘amnesia’ Tim isn’t buying it in the least cause well it's Tim. They make it to the hospital to interview this man. Tim could not be more over this man and his BS if he tried.

His face while this guy prattles on is priceless. Eric out here killing it once again with his facial expressions. Let’s not forget the ZERO amount of personal space per usual with them. Always delights me paired with the height difference? I’m a happy girl. They are once again the epitome of Grumpy x Sunshine here.

No one does it better than our ship. They reconvene in the hallway to discuss how they wanna proceed. They’re so deep into their chat they don’t realize Celina isn’t there. LMAO Her looking around for them after they’ve left is so funny. Giving me 5x17 flashbacks where they kept losing the kid. Except it's their rookie which isn't much better.

Tim yelling out ‘Boot!’ Mmm yes sir. Celina running over to meet up with Tim and Lucy. He continues his gruff T.O. act with her. Telling her he's about the hang a bell around her neck cause he keeps losing her. Oh Timothy. I adore how Lucy looks at Tim while he’s in this mode. Nothing but love eyes emanating from her. You are at work madam. Reign it in it. Actually don't I love it. I would say this portion is indicative of their future parenting styles. But we all know that man is gonna be a softie to their kid(s)

Because he didn’t get to have that. Lucy is going to have to be the one to lay down the law, funny enough. Especially if they have a girl. Lord help Tim. A mini Lucy running around? Man will be a goner... I do adore Lucy jumping in and saving Celina. Because she would’ve loved that herself as a rookie. Lucy’s T.O teaching style is very in line with me as a leader. As we were see in a future ep with her and Celina. She was denied praise so she wants to give what she was denied herself. Exactly how I am as a leader.

Wanted to give everything to my people that I never got. I adore this trio so much. Very mom/dad and their kid. I love Lucy giving Tim crap for not giving her a little praise. Also Lucy defending why she let Celina just go is the best. It is everything I explained above. Tim was of course is adverse to this idea. Trying to keep that hard T.O exterior going. Lucy not backing down asking 'Have I not softened you at all?' LOL You have my dear, but that is exclusive to you and only you. On and especially off work.

We get early morning domestic Chenford x2 in this ep. I’m eating it up. D and I have had this convo about how creepy John/Bailey are with waking up the other. How they’re just sitting like a weirdo till the other wakes up at the end of the bed. It’s not sweet or romantic in the least. It’s off putting lmao Whereas this moment it’s very sweet and intimate. The way Lucy rolls over and he is the first thing she sees. *happy sigh* What a way to wake up.

Look at how that man is looking at her. Tim is head over heels for her and not hiding it at all. It's exuding out of his delicious form as he gazes down at her. I’m not well guys. I’m not well. This is so precious I cannot. Just standing there. Getting ready for the day while he let's his girl catches some much needed extra z’s. Imma implode with how cute this all is. Getting ship drunk over here and loving it.

We can see how soft this man is for her. Right after she just asked the night before if she had softened him at all? Yes Lucy. Very much so. Tim is legit putty in your hands. Never seen this man as happy as he is with her. Second gif is all the proof I need. Also there is something so sexy about the way he rolls out his cuff. Why is this so attractive? I was already feral enough in this ep ahha Look at that man above. Getting ready in his delicious black shirt like he doesn't know he's an absolute snack.

We also get a nice shot of his chest as he buttons up. Hot damn this man is so beautiful. I’m a legit puddle of attraction *fans self*. After Lucy is done gazing at her beautiful BF she realizes she has slept in. Pops up in an instant panic. Tim replying calmly she needed it. Not phased at all by her reaction. What a good man taking care of her like this.

Seriously he was in the running for BF of the year at this point. Tim tells her to take the morning off. You know it's killing him to watch her drive herself into the ground like this. He had to do something. And if a little more sleep was what he could control then so be it. It’s what he was going to make sure happened.

I love how he asks her 'Don’t you feel better?' It's his soft tone that has me melting. Does me in. Lucy concedes immediately saying that she does. So thankful for this man. Thankful for how he takes care of her without even asking. I love them so much. Also there is nothing like sleeping in after lots of sleep debt piles up. Lucy was due for it and Tim made sure she cashed in.

I adore the way she thanks him for looking out for her like this. It’s very sweet and loving. Heart eyes galore. Now the big ass smile on Tim's face after she says that. *chef kiss* My god that man is so happy to have finally gotten a victory with her. That smile has me reeling basically saying 'You’re welcome, my love.’ He then continues to get ready for the day knowing his girl is happy and rested.

Unfortunately the happy morning bubble doesn’t last for long after this. Lucy gets a text saying her test is ASAP. Which beyond sucks and just another mind game from Primm. Because we all know he makes her wait till dead last. 20 minutes my ass you SOB. I hate it sfm how he makes her wait that long only to destroy her in her oral exam. *grumble*

Honestly makes my stomach turn watching her in that oral exam. I can’t stand to watch it but must for this review. I hate her having to defend her mistake from 6x01. That shouldn’t define what an exemplary career she’s had. To this point she’s been stellar and nothing short of extraordinary. Hurts my heart to watch this scene go down. Also angers me and makes me wanna meet Primm in a dark ally with no witnesses…. Grey looks upset af when he posts the exam rankings. When she reads her results. 17th….

Gah this scene absolutely gutted me the first time. That has not changed during this rewatch. The music paired with Melissa’s outstanding acting got me all in my feels. Holy hell it's like getting the wind knocked out of you watching her devastation. How she tells Grey she’s going to die on that list. Ugh. My heart. Getting punished for taking care of Tim when he needed her. Makes me so mad I wanna throat punch Primm. Grey isn’t much comfort but that is a Tim job. It’s a rough rough scene everyone. Hard to stomach.

When Nolan damn near gets everything handed to him. She has to fight and claw for everything. Then still gets this steaming pile of crap. I hate this for our girl I really do.I truly hope we get to have a hard look at where she goes in S7. This needs to be delved into and wrapped up all in one. Our girl needs a path and a purpose. I truly think T.O. Is the calling she never expected it. Be interesting to see what they do in the next season for her following this. T.O. or not. But if she's a T.O. Tim will be her equal and not her superior for when they get back together. But I'm getting ahead of myself lol

We get domestic Chenford part 3 and it’s the best part of all. So much to love about this scene it’s crazy. The soft Tim we all know and love is ever present in this scene. Also, his partner, supportive Tim, is crushing a performance in this segment as well. It’s beyond adorable from end to end. Just what we needed after that devastating scene before. It does our shipper hearts real good.

Lucy is pouring them some wine for their night in. Cause clearly they’re not going out. She wants to hide away with her man. I do not blame her one bit. Telling Tim she can’t believe she came in 17th… That it’s almost worse than coming in last. I would be feeling the same. Tapping into her childhood a bit and the failures she feels from there.

Not only that, but I’m sure the voice in the back of her head, that sounds like her mom, is voicing the same things. About her choosing this career and life. It’s a good thing Tim is there to quell and silence all those voices. He tells her there is no prize for coming in last. BUT there is one for coming in 17th. Haha Tim then reaches over and pulls out the award he got her.

Look at the smile on that goober. He couldn’t be prouder of himself if he tried. Lucy looks throughly confused until she realizes he’s altered the trophy to ‘17st’ LMFAO. I love this man so much. As does Lucy as she grabs the trophy from him. Realizing what he's done. So many reasons to love this moment.

Lucy stated in 3x03 how much she loves trophies. Tim remembered this and got her one. My damn heart. Not only that the man was so sure she would be #1 he bought it beforehand. Lucy Chen’s number supporter right there. Front and center people. Lucy’s smile is everything. Tim is beaming because she is. Look at him in that second gif. He is smiling ear to ear. All he wanted was to make his girl smile and laugh. Check and check. Well done sir.

Tim truly was so damn thoughtful and precious through out this scene. A+ boyfriend right here folks. A damn plus. Man is soft as butter for her. We all love it. Lucy’s energy has immediately changed thanks to the man next to her. Not only does her tune change she matches his mood. Throwing back a joke of her own. Saying how she gonna have to set her sights on a different future. Then mentions Metro to get a rise out of him.

His reaction is HILARIOUS. He wasn’t ready for the joke she sent his way. Completely unprepared with a good answer. Also the stress it would bring him if she actually did. They know they work well together. That is not the problem. It’s the immense and increased danger she would be in. That’s what would give him a legit heart attack everyday. Lucy Chen has once again broken this man's brain. Gotta be a record at this point heh.

Lucy could not be cuter when she tells him she’s kidding. Her whole body bouncing with laughter. That adorableness that only Melissa can conjure and convey. It’s beyond precious. Tim with his weak. ‘I …I knew that.’ Lucy basically following it up with an ‘Ok babe…’ Whatever you say my love. LOL Not believing him even a little bit. They are so cute and sweet I’m diabetic.

Lucy then looks back down at the trophy he got her. Asking him if he really thought she was going to come in first? That self doubt and lack of confidence creeping back in. She truly needs to know and hear it from him. Needs that reassurance he believes in her. Because just like Tim’s needs her opinion of him to be high. Lucy needs to know Tim believes in her. Tim doesn’t miss a beat with his reply.

The sweet smile going along with it. He’s loves her so much. Is so damn proud of her. It just flows out of him. Wasn’t a doubt in his mind she was capable of being #1. He’s seen her defy the odds so many times. Was front row to every victory and loss that’s shaped her as a cop. He’s watched her become this confident bad ass. Overcoming insane and traumatic things only to come out stronger. Knows she’s a strong test taker. To him was a no brainer she would crush this thing and then some.

Lucy hears all that in his tone and reply. Sadly she doesn't take this as a positive. But a failure on her part. She starts to fall back into her previous mood. Feeling like she let her most important person down. Those insecurities rushing back and she is beating herself up. It’s the way she stares down at first. Then locks eyes with him letting him know she’s sorry. Sorry she’s disappointed him. I saw someone made a 1x12 parallel to this line that kinda hurt my heart a bit. And once again it's something I can relate to cause I’m the same. He is just so damn supportive and cares so so much. That it comes off as high standards.

Ones that people feel like they're going to fail to achieve. When really it's just a great depth of caring and voicing what someone is capable of. Because he was denied that in his childhood he wants to make sure the people he loves know it. So they feel this need to live up to these standards he unintentionally sets. I can so relate because I was this way with my team. I was deeply caring and supportive but also voiced a lot what they were capable of. Because I too had been denied that in my childhood and with other leaders in my life. So when others would watch my team they would tell me that I had such high standards for my team.

They did not tell me this in a good way btw. Even though I produced a successful team that loved me it felt like a slight. Now while I had those standards it was always paired with deep caring and support. Just like Tim. He is just trying to build up those he loves and can come off as high standards people can't reach. Just a fascinatingly tragic thing the woman he falls in love with mistake it as high standards. When he's just trying to show how much he cares and supports them.

I stumbled across and felt it fit this moment. Because right now Lucy feels she has failed his high standards. Failed his idea of her being #1 (which we know she hasn't in his eyes.) That she's disappointed him so much so she can barely keep eye contact with him. The potential for miscommunication for this is immense. Like it was for him and Isabel. Luckily Tim kills this before it's an issue. So proud of him BTW. His growth still floors me.

Where in 1x12 Tim has no answer for Isabel saying his standards made her feel like a failure, here he has one for Lucy. He’s learned from his past and that’s a beautiful thing to behold. He’s learned to love better. To communicate better. Loving Lucy has made him want to be better in both of those aspects. He doesn't want to make the same mistakes with her as he did with Isabel. I said back in s2 his relationship with Rachel I loved. Not because I loved him with her. But because it helped heal him. Showed him he could do a relationship again. She got him back to that place where he could fall in love again.

Even Ashley as much as we didn’t like her got him thinking about marriage, serious relationships etc again. A place I’m sure he never thought he would go again. Also taught him what he didn’t want. Even though she was the one to end it you know he learned from it. He saw all the things he wanted out of life for his next relationship and then he saw those things with Lucy. All that to say is with that growth he's gained he immediately quells the anxiety and disappointment raging inside her. Doesn't let it fester.

Squashes the thought of her thinking he could ever think that with his sweet reply. I love how he shakes his head. Kinda like how he did back in 6x02 when she asked if he loved her. Like he can’t believe she would even think he would say or think that about her. So much is said in one sentence here. The way he leans closer to her as well. Makes sure she can read her his heart eyes as he expresses something so deeply true to him. That she could never disappoint him. *heart clutch*

Then we get the sweetest kiss to wrap this moment up. I love the way she smiles into the kiss and afterwards. Makes me squee to no end. Completed besotted with the man next to her. It’s screaming all over her body language how much she loves Tim. Their kisses always bring me such shippy joy. It's hard to put into words sometimes. But this one definitely gives me all the butterfly feels. The entire scene does really.

The scene ends with the cutest smile from Lucy. We talk a lot about Tim’s “Lucy smile.” The one he only brings out for her. Lucy has the same with her “Tim smile.” Ain’t no one making her smile and legit light up the way Tim does. Look at the way she looks at that man in the final gifs. With sheer reverence and awe that she gets to call him hers. Tim is uber cute reveling in how good a job he did haha

Lucy easily gives into his comments. Letting him pad his ego this time. He’s more than earned it. Agreeing he did and she loves him so much for it. Adores this man by her side. He is keeping her afloat like no one else could. He never once gave up in supporting her through this nightmare. How even at her lowest Tim managed to take care of her and make her laugh and smile. She is forever grateful and it’s written all over those last two gifs. Cuteness they name is Chenford.

The song in this scene is called “healing rock.” Seems fitting. Tim was definitely healing her in this final scene. Also just a soothing song that played in the background. Perfect way to end it. That’s all she wrote for this one. Damn good episode for them. I was on cloud 9 after this one. Hard not to be. Thank you amazing readers for like, comment and reblog these. You are the real MVP's. see you all in 6x04 :)

~~~

Side note -Non Chenford

More I see Lucy in T.O roles more I think I want her to be one. She would be an excellent teacher. Far better than friggin Nolan.

I love Grey Checking in with Tim about Lucy. Tim telling him he will be glad when this is done. Killing him how she is has been a mess during all this. My heart.

John and Bailey had to have had the most unromantic boring ass honeymoon ever. I watched it the first time but I fast forwarded all that this time. *snooze*

[tidal-graves]

I ship Elucien because Lucien is the better option for her

These are the rather disjointed points I have on why Lucien is the best guy for Elain, based on him respecting her, being incredibly compatible with her, and having deeper subtext that he and Elain will heal together-- all using canon to support my points.

Firstly, I find it interesting that the main point E/riels use is that you hate Elain if you don’t ship their couple, but for me it is almost always the opposite. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post on why Azriel is good for Elain, but they always talk about how she’s his sunshine, that she will heal his self esteem issues, that she’ll be his soft damsel in distress to his brooding violence. Their biggest argument (and from what I’ve seen, their only argument) for why Azriel is good for Elain is: “It’s Elain’s choice, and she chose Azriel.” There are, however, very deep holes in this logic for me. The biggest problem with this is that while Elain is clearly struggling with not having agency at the Night Court, Azriel is a part of that. Azriel advocates against Elain’s desire to help with the trove because it’s “too dark of her.” Then, in the bonus chapter although Rhys is obviously the one pushing them apart not only does Azriel barely push back, his arguments are:

Fate chose the wrong person

Lucien doesn’t deserve her

He could easily kill Lucien anyway

None of these points revolve around Elain’s right to choose. He does not say, “who cares about her mate, she chose me.” Elain and Azriel being mates would ALSO be fate deciding her life for her, and from everything we know about her she would detest the Blood Duel (and as far as we know about Lucien, he would never enact it). And on top of this, Azriel obeys the order and has not spoken to her since. So I don’t understand how people can fantasize about Elain finally snapping at the IC after finding all of this out and not realize that anger is also going to be directed at Azriel for not advocating for her. Meanwhile, Lucien (who also didn’t choose to be bonded with her) is ironically the only one respecting her autonomy. Also her not accepting the bond or not breaking it is her making a choice; she doesn’t have to choose Azriel for her choice to mean something. And, of course, you can’t forget this book series literally started with Feyre being positive that the Spring Court was her home and Tamlin was her mate, so I don’t think it’s crazy to assume that Elain will also come to a similar conclusion (which she kind of already has after rejecting Azriel in the bc). Afterall, wouldn’t it be fitting for the book that closes out the Archeron sisters’ love lives to do a full circle: Feyre thinks she loves Tamlin, but he betrays her so she leaves the Spring Court for the Night Court; Elain thinks she belongs at the Night Court, but they betray her so she finds a home at the Spring Court.

Elain is NOT sunshine/light. She is constantly seeking out sunshine. Both Azriel and Elain need light. There have been no implications that Elain needs shadows or that Azriel needs flowers. In this metaphor Azriel’s light is Gwyn and Elain’s sunshine is Lucien. I get this seems like a strange point to rely on metaphors but it’s a bit silly to dismiss it with how ingrained it is in not only Azriel and Elain’s characters but most of sjm’s couples and how they interact (Nessian= death and war walk hand and hand, Feyrand= night and the stars that shine within).

Elain’s problem is the bond NOT Lucien. This is incredibly important because it would be incredibly lame for a love triangle in a romance novel to end with “I choose him, not because he’s better or anything I just didn’t have to be tied to him.” In real life, a woman choosing to not engage with a guy is completely okay and her choice, but this is a book and it would be a very unsatisfying narrative conclusion for her to not at least get to know Lucien. It would also be unsatisfying for Elain to have already come to terms with her trauma off page. Sjm did not include a scene in FaS in which Elain is alluding to looking to be human again only for her book to open with “yeah, anyway, life is great now.” I mention this because Lucien is the representation of her Fae life, of being tied to fate, so she will have to deal with him face to face to deal with her trauma. Sjm also did not have Elucien being on incredibly good -- dare I say, a bit flirty-- terms at the end of WaR only to do a complete 180 in the next book for seemingly no reason and NOT eventually address why it changed. So that is already two important conversations that they need to have for Elain’s healing journey.

Finally, Lucien and Elain are incredibly compatible (yes, even after the Cauldron). While E/riel is secretive, quiet, and cunning, you could pretty much argue so is Elucien. Lucien is a fox, of course he knows how to trick and withhold to his benefit (Feyre and Rhys note this in WaR), of course that also comes with being cunning, and he certainly knows how to be sneaky, as shown when he and Feyre snuck out of camp and led the Bogg to the twins in WaR. Obviously he’s not going to be a spy, but I wonder if Elain will be or if these traits will simply be a part of her courtier role (which she is clearly more tied to than being a spy). But none of that is enough to base an entire relationship on. Good thing we know that Elain and Lucien a ton other things in common: both share trauma in being torn away from their homes and lovers, both love to help wherever they can, have an aversion to violence but will enact it to protect the people they love, are snarky and humorous, loves the outdoors and maybe travelling, are drawn to domestic activities, live to be mediators and make connections, are incredibly caring and compassionate, care about their appearances but don’t mind getting their hands dirty, and have powers centered around insight. 

This is sort of revising one of my past posts that I had written more emotionally than I would have liked to. I could honestly write more on why I personally ship Elucien and lean towards them being endgame, how there’s more foreshadowing to their relationship, and their powers might be tied (and not in a random ass “Elain can suddenly travel through shadows” way), but I know I already wrote too much and most people already aren’t going to read this entire thing so I’ll leave it there.

[doberbutts]

i think what is making me speechless about people interacting with that post is the absolute obtuse way they steer around “poc men” where they state that men are oppressors but poc are minorities and dont benefit from male privilege and then run miles trying to avoid the most straight question of “then what do you consider a poc man then? what of this experience i have had?” to which they are running with the idea of a cishet white patriarchal idea of men with privilege and oppressor status- and refusing to analyze their own inherent racism when they state all men are oppressors and therefore all men should be quiet and listen to women- but of course poc is an oppressed class and dont need to be quiet and that no one would ever say that- but also men need to understand all women are afraid of men. they are refusing to interact with this flat out not controversial statement that the popfeminist/radfem-lite is not intersectional and erases peoples lived experiences, all because they dont want to do the work to unlearn their discomfort and know that they themselves are not immune to “being a bad feminist”. i myself as a mixed poc tmasc have a kneejerk discomfort to cis women due to my exwife leveraging radfem logic against me as a way to subdue and erase my voice and lived experiences because once i started to identify as masculine i was choosing the side of the patriarchy- but i acknowledge that my discomfort is from my own past experience and that i cant treat every woman like they would treat me the same that she did; so all of these users adding to your post, running themselves around in circles to state that they are in the right to continue to stereotype all and every man (but no not every man- poc are not a Man because they arent racist of course) as privilaged and predatory and therefore its the mans responsibility to bend over backwards for their or other people they are speaking on behalf ofs (lets go out to their fields to find the strawman out there) comfort; because feminism means men need to make themselves smaller- like PLEASE!!! these people need to evaluate their own biases and stop showing their entire behinds on a post that they want to interact with but also not be corrected on and please please please pick up 1 (one) bell hooks book (which they wont because they dont read anything, they just have other people tell them what the right things to say are)

sorry about my ramble- it might not be cohesive, but i am absolutely aghast and agog at the gall these people have to be telling you that you are incorrect and that they are simply stating the “accepted truth” of “feminist spaces” while they most certainly are not and are being incredibly dense about plain facts

Yeah I hit my breaking point the other day when I said the word evil. I am not proud of that moment but also I don't know how else to describe what I feel every time this happens. How can anyone look at the body count and say that's acceptable collateral damage as long as their feelings of safety (real safety be damned) are guaranteed.

[doodler16]

The day I learned that someone made a fankid for VoxVal was the day I realized that Mpreg was essentially apart of the fandom. I don't think Mpreg is actually a good thing, I think it borderline fetishizes pregnancy but for males, because most of the Mpreg I've seen the males are basically Bio-Males, it would be different if (I am one) it's a TransMan, so yeah.

The amount of Mpreg Art of Lucifer is concerning. I only make exceptions if it's Transformers or DBZ (Believe me, Namekians lay eggs from throwing them up.)

I tried to say, "Oh they are angels and demons biology wouldn't matter to them." But the more I think about it, the more it doesn't add up, Viv isn't going for Fantasy, she's going for Realism and Adult Animation Logic, /HHG/ on 4Chan is already fetishizing the pregnancy of Millie and I hate how (as someone who uses pregnancy to cope with the fact I won't be a mother myself due to gender dysphoria and the fact I can't even be a good person or mother in general.) and seeing this happen?

No, Viv doesn't know how to write pregnancy or anything because it's fanfiction pregnancy, is she gonna do a timeskip or what? Because pregnancy or writing it is more than "Morning Sickness" and mood swings its a journey a lot of people can or can't have and if Viv cannot write women at least get another woman to write their own experience with not wanting a pregnancy because a baby on board means that it wouldn't bode well, especially Stolas who recently lost his daughter due to his own selfish desires.

I do not have high hopes for that child at all, I think the Octavia cutting off and Millie Pregnancy reveal was too close and coincidental, if Viv uses this as a bi-proxy to have Millie give Stolas and Blitz the baby I'm gonna literally shave my hair off.

Sorry for the rant, Aunt Flo came to visit and Pregnancy as a topic makes me incredibly sensitive esp when I was 5 I always wanted to be a mother, I did research and made storylines surrounding unexpected pregnancy and unplanned and all what Millie goes through and I have NO hopes Viv would handle it.

😂 Yeah mpreg (male pregnancy) and fankids are pretty common in different fandoms. You will definitely come across it at least once whether on accident or curiosity. For Millie’s pregnancy only time will tell and Vivziepop now has two new writers so anything can really happen.

Millie could keep the baby, abort it, give it to her family to take care of temporarily or give it temporarily to Blitzø and Stolas so they live their cringey fantasy, put the kid in an adoption center, and if she does keep the kid someone like Crimson could kidnap the baby. If Millie does keep the baby, Vivziepop will definitely make merch off it.

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

🎵 Precinct 41 Major Crimes Unit

"*SIX* years?"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Yeah... Or seven? You're not doing too good there. It's an old-man thing. Two *old-years* equals one normal year. That -- and Dora Ingerlund really tore you a new one. A big one."

"Who was she?"

"*Now* I've heard enough."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Incredibly bangable?"

"Are you *seriously* using this moment to assert male privilege!?!"

"Huh?"

"Figures."

"No, I meant -- what did she do?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "He is very passionate about this."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Okay, you're right. She was extremely fuckable, Harry. Gorgeous. A gorgeous bourgeois woman. Waifish. Like a *welkin* basically."

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - Snow Welkin. Blonde Welkin...

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - Heartbreak Welkin.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium: Success] - Pain Welkin.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "I've only seen a picture -- but it's obvious you formed a real spiritual connection with how *pretty* she was. One you never recuperated from."

JUDIT MINOT - "Look..." She turns to face the sea. "The sun is going down. It's time to go home."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "I think she taught in the Académie des Arts, east of the river. Way east. Hard to say which came first -- the middle class chick or the drink? Egg and the chicken kinda thing..."

"My point is, you need to see a *psychiatrist* about this shit. Not a psychologist -- several degrees harder. Is there's something harder than a psychiatrist?" He pauses to think. "A forensic psychiatrist. Go talk to that."

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - In other words -- he's heard *enough* about this.

3. "Okay. Am I a dirty cop working for La Puta Madre?"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "No."

"No? Because a suspect seemed to think..."

"Okay then."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "You're too unstable to work for a mob boss. You're suicidal, Harry. No mob boss would take you."

+5 XP

TRANT HEIDELSTAM - "I assure you -- I wouldn't consult for a corrupt unit."

LOGIC [Medium: Success] - He would immediately backpedal out of it.

VOLITION [Easy: Success] - I told you it's not that bad.

4. "Precinct 41… what kind of station is it?"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Us? We're the *Bloody Murder Station*, haven't you heard? We're the bad guys. No one likes us."

KIM KITSURAGI - "That's not true. Jamrock is too big for one precinct. You're just understaffed. And everyone respects the 41st -- you have Captain Pryce."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Thank you, lieutenant. You're being kind. It *is* an understaffed station and the district *is* too big -- which is why we need to..." He tilts his head northward...

JUDIT MINOT - "... get back to it. We left Torson and McLaine to run the C-Wing. It's not good."

"Torson and McLaine?"

"And the C-Wing is…"

"And Pryce is..."

"Did we recently shoot up a church by any chance?" (Point to the church.)

"So I work in the Bloody Murder Station?" (Conclude.)

JUDIT MINOT - "Mack 'The Torso' Torson and Chester McLaine --" She arches an eyebrow. "They're not fit to run a wing. Believe me. Things are shaky as it is."

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - They *are* damn iconic though -- Torson and McLaine!

"An iconic duo I take it?"

Not now.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Yeah -- not like *us*. Two clinically depressed old men. Where's the contrast here? We're garbage."

2. "And the C-Wing is…"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "God..." He sighs. "There are four wings, Harry: A, B, C, and D. We're in C. It's made of losers and clock-punchers. You and I *re-conceptualized* it as a task force. It was a mistake."

TRANT HEIDELSTAM - "There's also a lot of outside help involved. Not only me." He smiles. "Other losers too."

SUGGESTION [Easy: Success] - He's anything but a loser. Although he would like to be seen as one. It's cooler that way.

3. "And Pryce is..."

JUDIT MINOT - "Ptolemy Pryce? He's the son of the old Pryce -- one of the founders of the RCM."

KIM KITSURAGI - "He's one of the most highly regarded men in the force. You're lucky."

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] - Somewhere under the curved roof of a former silk factory, shaped like a ladybird with two chimneys, Police Captain Ptolemy Pryce sits behind a heavy wooden desk. Resident medic Nix Gottlieb pours him coffee. It's silent in the captain's office...

They speak of change. The city. The tension on the streets. They speak of the events of April and the blood on the streets in May.

4. "Did we recently shoot up a church by any chance?" (Point to the church.)

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "So he remembers *that*... Yes, there may have been a raid on *some* churches. It wasn't good press."

TRANT HEIDELSTAM - "Shooting up churches never is. I was out of town, to be clear...."

"What happened? Why did we need to go there?"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Our *enemies* were hiding in *a* church -- to the best of our information. That's it. I'm not talking about this anymore. Your security clearance is *shit-tier* right now. You have to wait for it to go up."

+5 XP

AUTHORITY [Easy: Success] - He means it. The RCM and its enemies will not be discussed on this coast.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Challenging: Success] - Your clearance will not go up while you're within earshot of the Union headquarters.

5. "So I work in the Bloody Murder Station?" (Conclude.)

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Okay -- it's not the Bloody Murder Station. It's an old converted silk mill with green desk lamps and a coffee corner. A lot of good people work there. Hard. Every day."

JUDIT MINOT - "Jamrock is the largest ghetto in Revachol. Faubourg, technically... but it's divided into *eleven* districts. Jamrock only has us."

KIM KITSURAGI - "The press will blow over," he says in a reassuring tone. "Jamrock is lucky to have you. And it's often considered to be the greatest of the districts -- you're lucky to have it."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Thank you again, lieutenant."

5. "The phasmid -- I need to tell Lena about this ASAP."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Who is Lena?"

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success] - She lives at 1113 Tabernacle Road, in Jamrock. Remember?

"A cryptozoologist. She lives in Jamrock, on Tabernacle road. She told me about this phasmid."

"No one. Forget it."

JUDIT MINOT - "Tabernacle? It's on the way over. Near where you live, on Perdition..." She looks at Vicquemare.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Fine. If we're gonna drop you off anyway."

KIM KITSURAGI - "She and her husband were conducting the search for the phasmid. It's their discovery -- in part."

"They should know as soon as possible. It would do you good to deliver some positive news for a change."

SUGGESTION [Easy: Success] - She is going to be over the moon.

ENDURANCE [Medium: Success] - Watch out or she'll faint.

6. "Lieutenant Kitsuragi -- what will you do now?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Well -- first I will go back to my station and write the most detailed report anyone has ever seen. It will have to be good to cover all this. Then I will have a serious talk with my captain."

"About what?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Detective, we just stopped a small-scale war. Something is happening to Revachol." He takes a look around -- into the deepening shadows of the streets -- then pulls up his collar.

"I don't know what, yet -- but it's going to be a hard spring for the RCM. We need to get ready. Infiltrate. Investigate."

SHIVERS [Challenging: Success] - Distant traffic. A scrap of newspaper drifts by, carried by the wind.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Legendary: Success] - It says: "Tensions rise in Terminal YC In light of the Débardeurs' strike in Terminal B, among representatives of heavy industry in Coal City..." you read.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - Le Retour...

"Wait, you mean The Return?"

"Want to do that at Station 41?"

"Good luck with your report."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Perhaps..." He watches the scrap of newspaper hit the ground. "There are people who say the Zone of Control will not hold up long. They're not on the radio -- yet. But there are parties out there..."

TRANT HEIDELSTAM - "Yes." His face darkens. "I hear worries -- from systems analysts in Vesper and Messina. International risks departments in banks. People like that."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "We've been hearing whispers in Jamrock too. Ever since fall. I agree that something is happening. People are tense. I hear a fan spinning. Fast. Something is about to hit it."

2. "Want to do that at Station 41?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "Talk to Captain Pryce? I'd rather not ruffle the feathers of *two* captains with my doom-mongering."

"No, I meant *investigate*. Come work in Precinct 41."

"Yeah. Sure."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Work *with* Pryce?" A crooked smile quivers on his lips. "I'm flattered, but I don't know if I..."

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] - Would fit in? Am crazy enough? Can take the stress? He doesn't know how to finish the sentence.

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - This truly came as a surprise to him. Not a bad one. But he's at a loss.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Flattered? You're Lieutenant Kitsuragi. *We* would be flattered if you even considered..."

KIM KITSURAGI - "I would have to tie things up in GRIH first. But... I mean, whatever is coming -- Jamrock *will* be more central to it than the harbour." The lieutenant turns very serious all of a sudden.

+5 XP

JUDIT MINOT - "And we also have a huge case load, lieutenant," she says with a smile. "Piles that we need to get back to. Mountains, even."

KIM KITSURAGI - "I do like the sound of that..." He returns her smile.

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - He's *really* considering it.

7. "I'm ready." (End.)

JUDIT MINOT - "Good." She looks at you, then Vicquemare...

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Fuck it, let's go." The man points down the street. "Trant brought his motor carriage. It's a 20 minute drive to Jamrock."

SHIVERS [Medium: Success] - Under the night sky the great district sleeps: A black chessboard of old wooden houses, 80,000 living souls inside. Firetraps as far as the eye can see -- from Main Street to Precinct 41 atop the motorway, to Boogie Street forking into the darkened horizon...

You close your eyes and hear the dogs bark. A lone woman sits by a factory window, dreaming of meteorite strikes. On Rue Saint-Gérôme a square bullet slides into a square-shaped chamber. In Old South a man without eyelids smiles. Spring has come. It's time.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] - "Torson?" "Yes." "McLaine?" "Yes." "Heidelstam?" "No." "Vicquemare?" "Yes." "Du Bois?" "Of course."

"Really?" Nix Gottlieb looks up from the list. "I hear he's unstable." "You say that like it's a *bad* thing," Captain Ptolemy Pryce gestures with a ball point pen. It's dim in the office and the curtains are drawn. "Harry's our man, he'll pull through. When he does, he'll side with the people." "Understood." Gottlieb returns to the list. "Minot?" "Of course."

JUDIT MINOT - "Wonderful," the woman looks north. "Then can we please just go back to Jamrock now?"

[rebeliz7]

AUGUST - PART TWO

August 2/3

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader 

…

August, 11th

Morning comes with a sense of dread for you. 

You’re not in your bedroom, you’re not in your bed, and the woman sleeping in your arms is not yours. 

You should have gone back to your room, gotten in the shower and let the water cleanse you of Wanda completely. But she asked you to stay, and you still haven’t found a way to say no to her. 

What are you doing? What did you agree to? 

You know she loves Natasha, there’s no doubt that they’re in love, you’ve seen them together, and a connection like that can’t be fake. Logically, you know that you can never break them up, Wanda wouldn’t allow it, and you’re certain that Natasha wouldn’t let a slip come in between their marriage. 

Because that’s what you are, that’s all you are, a slip—a mistake. 

“You’re awake.” Wanda’s voice reaches your ears, groggy and rough with sleep, and your treacherous heart flutters inside of your chest as if the sound of her voice has breathed life into it. 

You’re holding her close against your chest, her arm draped over your middle, and she has to pull back slightly to be able to look into your eyes. 

She smiles, her cheeks tinted pink and her hair a bit of a mess, and you feel yourself falling deeper into everything that she is. 

No, you think. You’ll take whatever she wants to give you, and you’ll take it because you’ll never need anything more after it. 

“Good morning.” You smile back, and she cups your face, her hand delicately cradling it as she leans forward to kiss your lips. 

“We need to talk,” she says, and you agree, mostly because you’d like to know the rules to this game. This game that you know you’ll end up losing anyway. 

She sits up, and you take a moment to just observe her. Then, putting one hand behind your head, you find a comfortable position to have a good look at her. 

She picks up a hair tie from the nightstand and pulls her hair up in a messy bun, and you’re caught staring at her arms and the yawn she tries to hide behind her hands.

This is a new picture for you. You’ve never welcomed a morning with her, and it’s not fair that you’re doing it now when this morning isn’t really yours to have. 

“What?” She asks when she catches you staring, and you reach out to place your hand on her thigh. 

“You’re so beautiful,” you tell her, and she smiles bashfully. “And hot, you’re really hot.” 

“Stop it.” She laughs, and you do too. 

“It’s incredibly unfair, actually.” You go on, and she grabs your hand, pulling slightly to shut you up. “You’re incredibly sensual.”

“I could say the same things about you,” she says, and you take hold of her hand before pulling on it until she’s halfway on top of you. “Irresistible doesn’t really do justice for what you are.”

Her words and the sly smile on her face make you feel hot all over. You don’t give her a chance to say another word before you’re kissing her. 

She doesn’t let you push her on her back like you want to, though. “We really need to talk.”

“Okay.” You both sit up, and she takes your hands in hers. 

“I don’t regret you,” she says. “But I am married, and I plan to stay married.”

You knew this, but her words still hurt to hear. Still, you think you’d rather have her for a few days than live your entire life without knowing what it feels like to be with her. 

“I know.” You squeeze her hands lightly, and a small crinkle appears on her forehead as if that wasn’t what she thought you’d say. 

“I like you,” she says, and she doesn’t need to clarify how honest she’s about that declaration because you can see it in the way she’s looking at you. “A lot.”

“I know that too.” You pull her a bit closer to you, and she’s smiling when you cup her face with one hand. 

“This can’t go on for long.” She whispers the words as if saying them like that could soften the impact they have on you. 

“I don’t expect it to.” You whisper back, your hand still on her face and your thumb caressing her cheek delicately.

“You sure you want to do this?” She asks as she plays with your fingers, and you watch as she threads hers through yours, intertwining them and as innocent a touch, it still manages to make you take in a deep breath. 

“I’ve never wanted anything more.” You admit, and she smiles, however sadly, before leaning forward to kiss you softly. 

She knows how you feel; there’s no reason to pretend anymore. 

“Let’s have August then.” She says, and you push her to lay on her back like you wanted to do before. 

She wraps her legs around your hips, a pretty smile on her face as she gathers your hair to pull it back before you capture her lips in a slow and sensual kiss that she reciprocates in kind. 

It doesn’t matter, you think; it doesn’t matter if you’re never the same once August is over. You’ll have this memory and many more, and it’ll be enough. 

It’ll be enough. 

“One thing though,” you say, pulling back slightly. 

“What’s that?” She asks, her hands still in your hair and her eyes shining with something close to amusement, to joy. 

“You’re not allowed to fall in love with me.” You tell her as an afterthought because that’s something that you won’t be able to let go of, and the smile on her lips widens. 

“Is that an order?” She asks with a sultry tone that you can’t purely ignore. 

“A warning.” You shrug, and she inches forward if only to graze your chin with her teeth, teasing you. 

“Enough talking.” She shakes her head, and you couldn’t agree more.  

…

August, 12th

You wake up feeling better than you’ve ever felt before. The sun hangs high up in a cloudless blue sky, and birds are singing somewhere close. You feel energetic and positive and full of life. 

For the first time ever, you feel like you could conquer the world if you set your mind to it. Nothing is impossible, and the world is an open lane. You could do anything, anything at all. 

“Good morning.” Bucky greets you in passing as you make your way to the kitchen, and he gives you a look. You notice Clint, too; he must have arrived last night from his mission. 

“Morning.” You smile at Bucky, and the look on his face transforms into amusement. “Looking great, Buck.”

“Someone got laid.” Clint points out when you go for the fridge, and you smile over your shoulder but remain silent.

Natasha’s best friend and a big pain in the ass, if you’re being honest. 

“What? No come back?” He grins your way, and you just limit yourself to grab a spoon for your yogurt, and you leave as soon as you can. 

You two tend to get on each other’s nerves rather quickly, which is why you’re not willing to engage in any sort of banter with him now. Besides, if there’s anyone you need to be careful about what you’re doing, it’s him. 

You go about your day as normally as you would any other day, but the anticipation only grows with every passing hour that gets you closer to the evening and your date with Wanda. 

Well, not really a date, since you’re just meeting her in her room but still. 

By the time nine pm rolls around, you’re a ball of energy, even more so when she opens her door on the first knock of your knuckles. 

“Right on time,” she says with a pretty smile that you can’t help but want to kiss.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting.” You tell her as you close the door behind you and press her against it as you lean forward to capture her lips in a long and languid kiss. 

“Mmmm.” She moans when you pull back slightly if only to be able to look at the expression on her face. 

You peck her lips again, and she doesn’t open her eyes, her hands are cupping your face, and she’s smiling, and you’re certain that you’ve never seen anything more beautiful. 

“I ordered chinese,” she says, and you kiss her neck, making her laugh before you kiss her again. “We can always eat later.”

You pick her up, agreeing one hundred percent, and by the time you lay her down on her bed, she’s laughing and pulling at your shirt with urgency. 

…

August, 13th

The world is still at peace, leaving you and the rest of the team with plenty of time to do as you please. Logically, you know that it’s only a matter of time before something big comes your way, and the team needs to be ready. 

Which is why you decide to take over Daisy’s training fully, just like Natasha wanted you to. You do think she can be a good asset to incorporate on the team and Natasha’s instructions practically say one thing alone, push Daisy to her limits.

You’ve been seeing her spar with the older and more experienced recruits for the last few days; you’ve been watching closely and even giving her a few pointers here and there. Daisy is not a regular recruit, she came with recommendations from the boss himself, and you know he must have seen something peculiar in her. 

However, when you find Wanda in your room, waiting in your bed for you, all concerns suddenly lose importance for you. 

“Hi.” You smile before closing the door behind you and rushing to your bed, where she’s been checking her phone. “How long have you been here?”

“Not long.” She smiles too, and when you crawl your way up her body and softly lay on top of her, she’s eager to kiss you. 

You kiss her back, delighted in the way her hands roam your body as you manage to slip your tongue into her mouth, and she moans lazily at the way this kiss turns delicious and downright sinful. 

There’s no wondering what she’s here for, and although you continue to collect new bits of her that make you fall harder each day, you still want more.

…

August, 14th

“Haven’t seen you around much,” Tony casually says when he comes to the gym, where you’re currently overseeing Daisy training hands on. 

“You miss me, grandpa?” You ask him with a teasing grin, and he rolls his eyes good naturally.

“Just curious about what you’re doing,” he says as Daisy takes down Roberts with a well-placed punch to his stomach and a swipe of her legs. “Is that the girl Natasha spoke of?”

“Yes, that’s Daisy.” You nod, but Daisy is looking at you, probably waiting for a verdict, and she doesn’t notice Roberts standing up or the almost violent way in which he takes her down. 

Her back hits the mats roughly, making her wince and arc on the ground as she tries to understand what just happened. 

“I must say, I’m not impressed.” He says, and you nudge him with a shoulder. 

“Well, I am.” You tell him before you enter the mats. “Rule number one.” You speak as Roberts moves to stand to the side, and Daisy is left to pick herself up. 

“Don’t ever, ever turn your back on your opponent.” She groans but stands up, her hands holding her lower back as she grimaces. “Again. This time concentrate, rookie.”

Roberts is attacking her the moment you stop talking, and you return to Tony’s side, who’s looking at you in surprise and what seems to be curiosity. 

“What?” You scoff in good spirits. “I’m a great teacher, I’ll have you know.”

“You really think she has what it takes?” He asks as you both observe Daisy, and you take a deep breath. 

“She’s brave but not stupidly so. She’s innocent in a way but most definitely not naive. She’s got heart and she’s got brains. Did you know she hacked into Friday yesterday?”

“What?” He asks in horror, and you chuckle to yourself. “She didn’t. I would have known.”

“She did. I asked her to and I also asked her to never do it again.”

“Why would you ask her to do that in the first place?” He asks, horrified. 

“Because Natasha mentioned she was good with computers, I didn’t know how good she was so I gave her a task.”

“So she’s got brains.” He agrees after a beat, his glare still very much trained on you. “What else?”

“She fits the profile, grandpa.” You sigh, putting all pretenses to a side. “She has no family, and she wants to be a part of something bigger for the right reasons. She doesn’t have the kind of past that most of us do, but that can mean good things.”

“You mean she’s not a bohemian mess like the rest of us? Has never been responsible for big chatashtrophies or escaped death at the hands of crazed enemies?”

He means it as a joke, of course, but you’ve done your research as well, and you know where Daisy comes from, which only makes you want to give her a chance more. 

“You need to read her profile, Tony.” His expression changes, probably picking up on the tone of your voice and how serious you’re being. “To answer your initial question, yes, I do think she has what it takes. The rest, I’ll teach her myself if I have to.”

“Hey, you ready?” Wanda asks, and both of you turn to her. 

“You two going out?” Tony asks as you swallow with difficulty because Wanda looks gorgeous, and your treacherous mind is failing you at the sight of her. 

Not that she’s wearing anything out of the ordinary, a pair of tight black jeans, sports shoes and a ribbed rust yellow sweater, but to you, she looks extremely beautiful. 

“Shopping,” Wanda says as she tucks her hair behind an ear, and you find yourself leaning forward. 

“You’re not invited.” You tell Tony as an afterthought and catch yourself just in time before you touch Wanda’s hair. It seems like she’s spent a few hours on it, meticulously curling it and arranging it for it to fall delicately down her shoulders, framing her smiling face and adding to her natural beauty. 

“No, of course not.” He says as he begins to walk away. “You two have fun and don’t forget to press pause on your newest project.” He points to the mats where Daisy and Roberts are still going at it, and you shake your head. 

“She’s holding against Roberts?” Wanda asks, and she sounds somewhat impressed. 

“Natasha was right,” you say, and the moment you mention her name, you can feel the tension enveloping the both of you in its uncomfortable bubble. 

“I know,” she says softly, but you don’t dare to look at her for the moment. You’re so stupid sometimes. 

Neither of you has talked about her marriage since this started, and to be honest with yourself, you don’t want to talk about it again. You know where this will end, and you’re just going to have to be okay with it. You agreed. 

You busy yourself with stopping the sparring session and sending Roberts on his way before you give a few pointers to Daisy and dismiss her for the day. 

It’s not surprising that Wanda is quiet as you two walk to the garage, and you’re kicking yourself internally, but there’s really nothing you can do about it now. 

“Take a right, here.” She tells you after about ten minutes of you driving in silence. 

“Where are we going?” You ask her but make the turn anyway, despite barely being able to see a road. You’re already a safe distance away from the Compound but not even remotely close to the city.

“I know a place,” she tells you as she settles her hand on your thigh. The act is small, but it’s more than enough to have your breathing go back to normal. 

It’s okay, you tell yourself. Things are still the same. 

The place is a small cottage that’s well hidden in between tall and imposing trees, down a dirt road that, if it weren’t for Wanda’s specific instructions, you’d have missed. 

You park the car, and when she’s about to open the door to get out, you grab her hand and pull her lightly towards you. 

“I’m sorry.” You apologize, and she’s quick to cup your face in her soft and cold hands. 

“Don’t be.” She whispers before she kisses you, quick and playful. “Come on. I’m gonna make us some tea.”

Autumn is well on its way, and you both rush inside the cottage. Her hand clapped in yours and her laughter a soothing thing that seems to warm you from the inside. 

You don’t ask about the cottage because it’s obvious that you won’t like the answer to that question, and Natasha is off-limits. Not that either has claimed it to be so, but you both need to not think about her. 

Not during August. 

So you keep your eyes trained on her and not on the place itself, because you’re sure that you’ll find many details about her marriage and you want to avoid that. 

You watch her move around the kitchen, her soft steps resounding as she walks in the otherwise silent place, and you can’t help but feel captivated by her. 

Soon you’re walking towards her, placing your hands on her hips and moving her hair to the side to be able to kiss her neck. She giggles and presses herself back against you as she gives you more room to kiss, and you gladly take it. 

“This outfit looks ridiculously good on you.” You murmur close to her ear as you move your hands around her, sneaking under her sweater so you can feel the soft skin of her belly.

“I can’t wait to take it all off for you,” she says and your skin prickles. You turn her around in your arms, and she kisses you hungrily, and you let her guide you down a short hallway towards a bedroom immediately after. 

The day goes by in a blur of happiness. You make love, but you also spend a few hours in bed, talking about your past and the places you’ve visited. She talks too, she tells you about her brother and her favorite shows as a child, and you even watch a few episodes of The Dick Van Dyke show on your phone.

She cooks lunch for the two of you and dances all the way through it with a pretty smile on her face and messy hair. She’s barefoot as she cooks, wearing nothing but an oversized shirt and when she dances towards you, inviting you to join her and you take her hand, you find yourself thinking that if happiness were a tangible thing, you’d be holding it as you dance with her. 

…

August, 15th

You decide to run a team exercise with Daisy and the boys in the simulation room, wanting to see if your suspicions are correct about her. 

Some people, you’ve come to learn, are born heroes. But, unlike the lot of you, she might be something else. 

“You sure about this?” Bucky asks you, a deep frown on his face as he checks the simulation you’ve chosen for them on the holo screen. Daisy is already inside, waiting for her instructions. 

“I have a theory,” you tell him, and he huffs. You know you’re vague, but you want to be absolutely sure about what kind of agent she can become before you continue with her training. 

“Are we doing this or what?” Clint asks as he enters the control center with his bow in his hands. 

“She has a theory.” Bucky fills him in, and Clint grins. 

“The kid must be good if we’re doing this now. Someone better has a few theories.” 

“How is it going?” Wanda asks as she also joins you, and if you let your eyes wander, it’s only because you can’t help it at this point. 

It’s not like you can ignore what she’s hiding beneath her clothes, and you’re not immune to the effect that the tone of her voice has on you when you know how high she can get and how low. 

“You’re drooling.” Clint tells you, and you look away quickly, but you can still feel his eyes following your every move for the next couple of minutes. 

“It’s this damn corset.” Wanda complains, and Bucky chuckles. 

“Did we really need to be in our uniforms for this?” He asks, and his eyes also stray towards Wanda’s sinful corset for a flitting second. 

“Yes.” You deadpan just as Tony and Sam join you, and you gather them around, completely ignoring the way Clint’s squinting his eyes in your direction. 

“I’ve been training Daisy for the last few days,” you tell them. “And she shows a lot of promise, just like Nat said before. I want to run a scenario and see how she reacts to the situation before I continue her training.”

“I thought Natasha was training her.” Clint says as he checks his arrows, his eyes still suspiciously taking you in.  

“She asked me to take over before she left,” you tell him calmly, and he hums. 

“Did she ask you to take over anything else?” He asks, and you meet his suspicious stare with a cold glare. 

“You have something to say?” You dare him, and he smiles. 

“I’m just saying. Did Natasha say anything about running this simulation with the girl?”

“I’m making this call,” you tell him, and he raises his hand in the air. “I want to see if she’s a natural.”

“Let’s find that out.” Tony says as he makes for the door, and Wanda finally chances a look at you. 

You think of apologizing, but she shakes her head very subtly before walking inside the simulation room, with you following close behind.

…

When the time comes and Tony falls, you observe Daisy very closely after taking a hit in the simulation. It’s all a plan, after all. 

“What are you doing?” She asks as you fall to your knees next to Tony since his suit has shut down completely.

“Tony is down.” You don’t look at her as you pretend to try to open Tony’s suit, but you know it won’t budge. 

“Where is everyone else?” She asks in a frenzy, still refusing to help you, and looking over her shoulder. “There are still civilians inside.”

“You gotta choose who you want to help most,” you tell her, and you watch her frown. “Tony is your teammate and he’s down. What do you do?”

Her frown deepens, and she lets out a frustrated little laugh before she shakes her head. 

“I have to finish the mission. There are people inside.” She nods but doesn’t move right away, waiting for your word. 

“So you’re gonna leave him here? To die, because the mission isn’t finished?” You ask her, and Tony—bless his heart—tries to reach out, most likely pretending to die. 

“There are children inside,” Daisy tells you, and she looks and sounds confident when she speaks. “I think my teammate would want me to go back for them.”

You look to your right, where the rest of the team gathered, and you smile to yourself before looking back. 

“It sounds like you’ve chosen, rookie.” You tell her, and she nods again. 

“Yeah, I have.” A small smile appears on her lips before she turns to run, but the simulation comes to an end, and she turns back to face all of you, even Tony with his perfectly functioning iron suit.  

“O-kay?” She says in a confused manner, but Bucky beats you to the punch before you can say something. 

“Buckle up, kid.” He says as he walks past her and makes for the door. “Being an Avenger is hard work.”

“What?” Daisy asks, her eyes meeting yours, and you shake your head. 

“Go back to the drills, rookie.” You tell her pointedly. “We’ll talk later.”

…

“So?” You ask the people remaining, and Tony shakes his head with a smile on his face. 

“She’s way too young.” He says. 

“She’s got heart.” Sam shrugs. “That’s good.”

“She’s just a kid,” Clint says as he wraps an arm around Wanda’s shoulders. You watch her lean on his side and even rest her head on his shoulder. 

“She’s only three years younger than me.” You point out, and Wanda smiles at you, even as she’s wrapping her arms around Clint’s waist with friendly familiarity. 

“Age isn’t really what Clint’s referring to,” she says. “She’s inexperienced, and you might as well be a veteran. Even though you’re only three years older than her.”

“I think she deserves a chance,” you argue. “And Fury obviously does too, or else he wouldn’t have brought her here in the first place.”

“I think we should wait for Natasha to come back,” Clint says, and Wanda finally disentangles herself from his arms. “She’s her S.O.”

“I agree.” Tony votes as he makes for the door. 

You wait for the rest of the guys to walk out before you take a seat in front of the screens to go over the exercise footage. Daisy needs a chance. Maybe you can talk to Natasha about starting her off with a low-risk mission and see how it goes from there. 

You can’t shake the look on Clint’s face out of your head, though, and you can’t help but feel slightly scared for several reasons. 

You don’t want Wanda freaking out and ending what you two have sooner than you planned, but you definitely don’t want her to have problems either. Plus, if word gets out of what’s really happening, you fear that the entire team’s dynamic will be affected by the consequences. It’s imperative that you two keep this secret for good. 

“You worry too much.” A soft voice speaks behind you, and you smile to yourself. “He’s always been nosy.” She says as her hands begin to massage your shoulders, unaware of the shivers that run down your back the more she touches you.

“That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” You tell her, and Wanda moves to sit beside you, her hands now holding yours as she pulls herself closer to you. 

“Let me worry about him,” she says with a subtle smile. “Come on. I’m gonna cook lunch and you’re gonna eat with me, and then we’re gonna go to your room and we’re gonna watch a movie.”

“That’s all we’re gonna do?” You ask as you let her pull you up to your feet, and she smiles, her teeth catching her bottom lip between them as she gives you a look you’ve come to know well. 

“In the official version, yes.”

… 

August, 16th

You wake up early, but Wanda is no longer in your bed. Looking at your bedside clock, you notice it is not even 6 am and her side of the bed is already cold. 

You get up, and on your way to your closet, you realize that the clothes she was wearing last night are on a chair now, meaning she picked them up from the floor and chose to wear something else instead. 

The thought that she could be wearing something yours makes you stupidly giddy, so you throw a shirt and sweats before leaving your room in search of her. 

You go straight to the kitchen, and true to your suspicion, she’s by the stove already working on breakfast. 

And she is wearing your clothes. She’s wearing your favorite sweater, and your steps falter for just a second at seeing her… 

Without giving it much of a thought, your feet take you straight to her, and the moment you put your hands on her waist, she turns her face, and you kiss her smiling lips. 

“Good morning,” she says in a whisper, and you kiss her again. 

“Why do you always refuse to sleep in?” You ask her, and she turns around fully, her arms wrapping around your shoulders as she kisses you with a little more enthusiasm. 

“I was making breakfast for you,” she says, pulling back slightly. There’s not a single ounce of make-up on her this early in the morning, not on her eyebrows, not on her lips, not on her cheeks - and she still is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. 

“Were you gonna bring it to bed?” You ask her as you kiss her neck, and she giggles, running her hands on your back as you return your lips to hers and kiss her for a few long seconds. 

“I thought we could eat in bed,” she says when you pull back slightly. “Stay in for a few hours, or until we’re needed elsewhere.”

Her hands are on your nape, her fingers running up and down, sending involuntary shivers down your entire body and making you hold her closer against you in response. 

“I’d like that,” you murmur against her lips, and the smile on her face makes you feel warm. It almost seems like she could - like she could feel something for you. 

…

August, 17th

You continue to train with Daisy, but you know that ultimately this is Natasha’s rookie, and she has the last word on how to proceed. 

Having an audience for a training session isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing in the world, but having Clint standing just a few feet away from the mats, staring intently at you while you try to teach Daisy something…is exasperating, and you can’t wait for Kate to come back.

At least when she’s here, Clint’s whole focus switches to her. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.  

You cut your time with Daisy short and dismiss her quickly before making your way to pick up your towel and bottle of water. 

“She likes you,” Clint says when you walk by him, and you’re tempted to roll your eyes. “Is that why you want her in the field? Is she trading your approval with something else?” He asks suggestively, and his comment doesn’t land well on you. 

You turn around abruptly and meet his stupid grin with a hard cold glare. “Watch what you’re saying, Barton.”

“Come on.” He insists when you pick up your pace, now impatient to get away from him. “You can’t tell me that you haven’t noticed her longing stares and blushing cheeks. That girl is into you.”

“Nothing’s happened, if that’s what you’re asking.” You try to brush him off as you walk down the hallway to the nearest elevator. 

You hear him hum as you wait, and the buzzing sound of the elevator is the only sound left between the two of you. 

He thinks he knows something, and you don’t mind him thinking that you have a minor crush on Wanda. Hell, everyone in the Compound is aware of how attractive she is. It wouldn’t exactly be a crime. 

What you don’t want to do, under any circumstance, is give him a lead that he feels he must follow. 

When the elevator’s doors finally slide open, you can’t walk inside any faster. Not that it stops him from blocking the doors from closing back up. 

“You should ask her out,” he says with a casual shrug and your spink prickles. 

“Ask the rookie out on a date? That’s your advice?” You pin him with a stare, and he shrugs again.

“Why not?”

“We’re trying to recruit her, me asking her out would be the worst thing to happen to her right now. She has a lot to prove, unlike me. And she wants to be here, she wants to do some good, unlike many others.”

“Is that the only reason why you refuse to ask her out?” He asks, and although he’s trying to keep this exchange light, his cards are already on the table for you to see. 

“Do you follow up with everyone who stares at Wanda’s boobs for a few seconds when her wife is not around?” You ask, and he grins, and you hate that it feels like he’s got the upper hand.

“No, of course not.” He laughs to himself. “My day isn’t nearly as long for that, just with the ones who look like lovefools when they do.”

You laugh along with him, however awkwardly. 

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. “She’s got great boobs. Don’t tell Nat I said that.”

He stares at you for a hot second, perhaps looking for something in your eyes that might give him the lead he’s trying to find, but you’re certain that you hold the upper hand now. Or at least you hope so. 

“Yeah, she wouldn’t like that.” He shakes his head softly, a small frown appearing on his brow. “She’d agree, but she wouldn’t like it.”

“Come on, man. I’m gay, not stupid. You think I’d flirt with the Black Widow’s wife on purpose? She’d kill me.”

“She wouldn’t.” He shakes his head, his eyes locking you in for a moment. 

It’s only when the doors close as you stare at him that guilt falls down on you, and you try your hardest to not think about it…  

…

“You’re okay?” Wanda asks, and you take in a deep breath, your eyes still firmly locked on the ceiling of the cottage. 

When you got here, she’d already set an almost perfect atmosphere on the living room floor. The fireplace was crackling alive, and pillows were scattered around, making up a cozy nest for the two of you. 

She was smiling, and you forgot about everything else; she seemed to forget too. You paid no mind to the movie beginning to play softly from her laptop, or the bowl of popcorn she’d made, or the red wine that was already served a few feet away.

You were eager to kiss the smile off her face, and she was eager to undress you, and it felt - it felt different this time around, and you can’t exactly explain why. 

Now you’re holding her close, her naked body pressed against yours as she observes you and waits for you to answer her question, spoken in a tired whisper against your ear. 

“What is it?” She asks as she lifts herself up a little, and she cups your face as the white blanket she was covered with slips down her torso. 

She’s so beautiful, and a part of you still believes that she’s too good for you. A part of you, a big part of you, still can’t comprehend how she could ever give you a chance like this.

“Everything’s fine.” You smile, and she observes you for a beat, her eyes inquisitive, but it doesn’t take long before a beautiful smile appears on her lips, making her eyes lit up while your heart tries to beat out of your chest and float into her hands to do as she pleases with it. 

“You sure?” She asks as she leans forward, her lips pressing a few soft kisses along your jaw and cheek. 

“I’ve wanted you for a long while,” you find yourself telling her, and she presses her lips to yours, her eyes firmly locked with yours as she smiles softly. 

“I know.” She whispers, her lips still so close to yours that they graze each other when she speaks. 

“Being here with you - ” you trail off, not exactly knowing where you want to take that sentence, and her eyes anchoring you to this moment, begging you to be present, to enjoy this for what it is. 

“I know.” She whispers again, perhaps with the intention of quiet you and your racing thoughts, your racing feelings. 

She’s smiling softly, her lips tainted a bright pink after she licks them, and you’re entranced. It’s unfair - it’s unfair how this woman who will never be truly yours has this much power over you.

And you’re aware that you’re leaving so much behind you, you’re overlooking so many things that should matter to you because of her, and you don’t really mind. 

You know what this is, and you don’t want to screw it up. You want August—you want all of August. 

“Wanna go again?” You ask her, deflating, and you’re not surprised when her laughter fills the otherwise quiet cottage with her glorious sound. 

She kisses you wantonly, her hands pushing away the blanket from your bodies completely, and laughter isn’t the only sound you manage to pull out of her in the next few hours. 

…

August, 18th

“God, that feels so good.” She moans as you run your hands on her back, adding just the right amount of pressure to alleviate a slight discomfort she’s been feeling since she woke up. 

“When you called me here earlier, I have to admit this isn’t what I thought you’d ask me to do.” You laugh, and she moans some more at your ministrations. 

“But it feels so good.” She laughs too, and you have to kiss her cheek if only to see the way she blushes and tries to hide her face in the pillows. 

You’re sitting on her thighs, and she’s wearing nothing over the waist, and the longer you massage her back and stare at all the skin on display, you can’t help but wish you could write your name on it.

“How about a bath?” You propose as you move to lay next to her. Grabbing her shirt to cover her front, she lays on her side to look at you with a gentle smile on her lips. 

“I’d like that,” she says as she tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, her hand coming to rest on your cheek after, her hazel eyes locking you in. 

You don’t want to get your hopes up because you know what you agreed to, but the way she’s looking at you makes it impossible. 

Her thumb moves on your skin, caressing your lip as her eyes study every inch of your face, and you pull your bodies closer by pressing a hand on her lower back. She sighs, and you feel her breath against your chin before she presses her lips against yours in an intimate and sweet short kiss. 

“You’re so beautiful,” she says, and you know she means it. “Unfairly so.”

“You think?” You ask, mostly to stray her attention because you’re starting to blush, and she chuckles, seeing right through you. 

“You are.” She insists, her free hand now on your chest, her smile still the most alluring thing in the world. “I like you so much,” she says, and you capture her lips in a warm and long kiss that she reciprocates in kind. 

Between giggles and innocent touches, you two make out like teenagers hiding behind the bleachers in school. You kiss her without growing tired of the taste of her lips or the soft mewling sounds that leave her parted lips each time you chase a different angle. 

You kiss lazily and slow for long minutes, and then you have to pin her hands against her mattress when she gets handsier. She rolls her eyes in playful disappointment and laughs out loud when you kiss her naked breasts in jest. 

“Come on.” You remove yourself completely from her bed and take her hand to help her up. “A bath awaits us.”

“You just want us naked.” She laughs as she wraps her arms around your waist. “Admit it.”

“Well, that’s not a secret.” You comb her hair back with your fingers and kiss her nose as she smiles up at you. “You’re kind of my favorite person, you know that?”

“I had a suspicion.” She scrunches up her nose, and your heart does a summersault inside of your chest. You really don’t think it’s possible for you to fall any deeper for her. 

“Did you now?” You smile too, but she kisses that smile off your face quickly and wantonly.

…

When you emerge from Wanda’s room, it’s already dark out, meaning you spent the entire day with her. An entire day of lovemaking and laughing together, and that look in her eyes that keeps threatening to swallow you whole. 

“I saw that,” Tony says the moment you step into the kitchen, and the fact that you didn’t notice him first doesn’t seem to bother you at all. 

“Saw what?” You ask him distractedly as you go to the fridge for a beer. 

Your mind is invaded with images of Wanda and her bed and the waves in the bathtub as she moaned your name, and you moaned hers. You can’t shake the image of her wet body moving on top of you as she straddled you, your fingers buried deep inside of her as she gripped your shoulders and you kissed her neck. 

“Wanda and you,” Tony says, and you blink yourself back to this moment. “That’s what I saw.”

You look at him in a daze, trying to process his words as you become frozen where you stand. His eyes are harboring a hard look, looking impatient as he waits for you to catch up. 

“What?” You swallow with difficulty, suddenly feeling very afraid, and he pins you down a different kind of stare. 

“What are you doing?” He asks you through gritted teeth, and you’re only now noticing that he’s not having a drink, he’s not eating - he’s just been waiting here for you. 

“What are you talking about?” You ask him, and he looks at you, letting out a sigh of disappointment. 

“She’s married.” He tells you sternly as if perhaps you need the reminder. “To a member of the team. I hate to say this, but you have to think about the team, and what something like this could mean for it.”

Your stomach twitches and turns as he looks at you, but you can’t open your mouth to say a word, let alone deny what he obviously already knows. 

He leaves the kitchen, and you’re left swimming in a pool of guilt and uncertainty that you know will drown you if you let it. 

…

August, 19th

You wake up to lips kissing your chin and wandering cold hands slipping under your sleeping shirt. Opening your eyes, you’re met with the most gorgeous sight. 

“Good morning, beautiful.” Wanda smiles right before kissing your lips.

“Morning,” you respond as she gets under the covers with you and snuggles into your side. You hug her close, more than happy to oblige, and she hums as she buries her face in your neck, and it feels - it feels as if she’s basking in peace. 

“I missed you last night,” she says, and your heart aches at hearing her say these words. “I was tempted to sneak here in the middle of the night.”

“Why didn’t you?” You ask as you close your eyes and just hold her. 

“I’m here now,” she says while pressing her lips on your throat in a gentle kiss, and her cold hand sneaks beneath your shirt again. “You’re warm.”

You’re also very aware that she didn’t answer your question. 

“And your hands are always cold,” you tell her. She laughs, and you kiss her, soft and fleeting as if you had the rest of your life to kiss her as many times as you want. 

“Whatcha wanna do today?” She asks you, and she has this playful look in her eyes that makes you want to never leave this bed, never let her go. 

“I wish we could just stay in this bed,” you tell her as you run your hand up her arm. “I just want to hold you.” You graze her cheek with the back of your fingers, and she closes her eyes, her chest expanding as she takes in a deep breath, and you think she might have feelings for you now. 

She could, you tell yourself, she could feel something for you. 

“I just want you to hold me,” she says, opening her eyes and bringing her hand up to cup your cheek. Her hand isn’t so cold anymore, and you’re captivated by her soft smile that might hold a secret that she won’t be willing to share with you. 

Maybe you should talk to her about Tony, but you just want to hold her, and that’s what you do. 

You two end up sleeping for a bit, and when you wake up, you feel different. She feels different. 

“We can’t really stay in, can we?” She asks, and all these feelings you have for her - they all make you want too much. 

You want to tell her that you could, if she were willing, you could have all the time in the world. But you refrain from it because you know what this is despite wanting too much. 

“Not here,” you tell her, not knowing what else to say or where to take this conversation. 

The look in her eyes turns a little sad, and the small smile on her face reflects only pain. However intensely she looks at you, you don’t shy away from it, and eventually, she pushes your shoulder lightly, so you lay back, and she can roll over you. 

For a moment, you think she’s gonna kiss you and make you forget about the meaningful look in her eyes, but she takes her time. She runs her fingertips on your lips, her eyes still searching for something in yours and perhaps realizing how much her stare is confusing you and filling you with hope. 

She nuzzles her nose against yours, and she doesn’t kiss your lips; no, she presses a soft and lingering kiss on your forehead before leaving your bed. 

…

Wanda’s soft kiss stays with you for the rest of the morning, and it steals all your focus away to the point where Kate is able to sneak up on you in the gym, where you’re supposed to be overlooking Daisy’s training. 

“Oh, wow.” She chuckles when you fall on your back, with no idea of what just happened. “You’re really out of it, aren’t you?”

Daisy tries to rush to your side to help you up, but you raise your hand in her direction. 

“It’s okay”, you tell her before looking at Kate’s smiling face. “You have a dead wish, kid.” You tell her, making her laugh even as she helps you up on your feet. 

“Good to see you, Kate. Great to have you back avenging with us.” She says in what you assume is your voice she’s mimicking, but your glare only makes her laugh harder. 

“You’re not an Avenger.” You remind her with mock kindness, and she punches your arm, much to your amusement. 

“Yet.” She points her finger at you. “I’m not an Avenger yet, but everyone knows I’ll fill in when grandpa over there finally retires!” She shouts the last part, and Clint laughs from the other side of the gym. 

“Get over here, we’re not done.” He calls her out, and Kate bumps your shoulder as she begins to make her way over to him.

“Catch you later, killer.” She winks at you, and you’re smiling, despite finding her entrance less than ideal. 

You really need to pull yourself together.  

…

You’re shaking, your entire body humming as you keep your eyes closed, trying to focus on your breathing. Wanda is laughing softly, her lips pressing light kisses on your face as your legs shake and you dig your short nails on her bareback to keep yourself centered on this reality. 

“It’s okay,” she says, whispering against your cheek, her hot breath only managing to make you twitch under her. 

Her hips are perfectly still against yours, but you can still feel the toy buried deep inside of you, and the aftershocks of what must be the strongest orgasm you’ve ever had, aren’t stopping just yet. 

You can still feel your lower half trembling, your breath still ragged as she continues to pepper your face with soft and caring kisses. 

“I love the way you gasp my name when you cum,” she says, making you twitch again, but you finally manage to open your eyes. 

She has the most beautiful look on her blushing face, and you pull her down to kiss her as you move your hips against hers again, already wanting more. 

It’s a long night where she takes care of you in one and a million ways, and you can do nothing but let her. 

By the time the sun begins to rise, you’re both facing each other without even realizing that you’ve been talking for hours. 

…

August, 20th

You haven’t slept one bit, but somehow you still feel full of energy, even when the slight discomfort at walking reminds you of the long night that you had.

It doesn’t help that you feel yourself blushing each time you see Wanda in passing, and the secret smile on her face when she sees you makes you walk away faster every single time. 

Of all the things you could have imagined about her, you’d have never thought of her as being that insatiable in bed. You have no idea of how many times you came last night, and she didn’t seem to grow tired of touching you at all. 

After lunch, you attend a meeting with the rest of the team, which consists of getting everyone up to speed on the work that you all do in the Compound while you wait for your next mission. There’s also reports being handed out about the people you keep tabs on and the long missions that each one of you oversees on your own. 

The meeting is long, with everyone discussing the recruits’ progress and the kind of work that will be trusted upon them. Daisy is at the forefront of the talk, and while everyone agrees that she should be handed out something small, the sooner, the better, it’s only fair that Natasha decides where Daisy goes first. 

At one point, you get up to get a drink from the back of the room, and Wanda follows you.  

“How about we go to the cottage after this meeting is over?” She asks you subtly as she goes about grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, and you grab a cup to pour yourself some coffee. 

“I’m in.” You smile, and she nudges your shoulder with hers before going back to the table, where Tony is beginning his official presentation of his latest upgrades to the suits.

You can’t seem to focus on what he’s saying, and you know you should try harder to pay attention, but your mind keeps reminding you of last night, and you can’t think of anything else. 

She might have feelings for you, you know it, you can feel it, but you’re not sure if you’re brave enough to bring it up anytime soon. 

As it is, when the meeting is over, it’s almost five pm, and the events of last night seem to finally be catching up to you. You’re yawning your way out of the meeting room, and your eyelids are dropping on their own. 

“Baby wants a nap?” Clint asks you, and Kate laughs by his side but dutifully drags him away from you. 

“Had a late night?” Tony asks you, and you avoid looking into his eyes as you try your hardest not to yawn again. 

“Something like that,” you tell him, blinking extra fast and feeling your eyes beginning to tear up. 

He hums, and although he walks by your side down the hallway, he makes a grunting kind of noise before he turns on the first left down a different hallway, and you’re left to call the elevator on your own. 

“Does baby want a nap?” Wanda asks you, suddenly by your side, and you can’t help but laugh at hearing the tone of her voice. 

She knows how annoying you find Clint and his effortlessness at getting under your skin with a simple sentence. 

“Aw, baby.” She chuckles when you yawn instead of answering her question, and when the elevator’s door opens and closes behind you, she’s quick to wrap her arms around you, her lips pressing a soft kiss to your temple as her hands run up and down your back reassuringly. “We can always go to the cottage tomorrow.”

“I want to go,” you tell her, but you’re already feeling heavy in her arms. You could just close your eyes and let the smell of her shampoo and the solid protectiveness she emanates lure you to sleep. 

“You need to sleep,” she says as the elevator comes to a stop. “Go to my room, I have to talk to Clint real quick and then I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay.” You nod, and she kisses you quickly, a pretty smile on her lips as you yawn for the dozenth time in her presence. 

“Go on, beautiful. I’ll be right behind you.” 

…

You wake up feeling confused and way too hot, almost suffocatingly hot. It takes you a moment to realize that you’re in Wanda’s bedroom, and she has her arms wrapped around you from behind securely, meaning she’s the source of the heat. 

Her chest is firmly pressed against your back, her arms possessively keeping you close, and by the even sound of her breathing, she’s fast asleep. 

Pushing the blanket she’s covered the both of you with back, you begin to breathe a little easier. 

You don’t know what you’re doing anymore. 

You love her, and August is almost over, and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to just walk away after all this. 

You feel slightly lost, as if you’re disappearing, and you can do nothing to stop it.  

“What time is it?” She asks groggily, her arms only wrapping around you tighter as she stirs. 

“Eleven forty five,” you answer promptly after checking her bedside clock. 

“How are you feeling?” She asks while blindly reaching out until you grab her hand, and she intertwines your fingers together. 

For a moment, you’re caught staring at her pale and long fingers, filling in the gaps between your own, and you can’t help but feel like you might be breaking. 

You move to lay on your back if only to be able to look at her face and without answering yet. 

“Hi.” She smiles before kissing your lips softly, letting her nose nuzzle against yours as she pulls back. “Feeling rested?”

“A little bit, yeah.” You smile, and she kisses you again as if she couldn’t help but kiss the smile off your lips. 

“I like this,” she says, her eyes dancing on your face as if she were memorizing you. “Waking up next to you, and kissing your sleepy face.”

She peppers your face with playful kisses, and you laugh at her antics before her lips find yours, and you kiss her fully. 

And you can’t explain the feeling in your chest. It’s as if - as if you are loved, and your heart knows it, but you’re so terrified that you can’t fully focus on it. 

“You wanna stay here tonight?” She asks, and you notice she’s practically on top of you, her weight a nuzzling thing pressing against you as she waits for an answer. 

“I wanna stay here forever.” The words are out of your mouth before you can think them through, and while you’re on the edge of panic, she just smiles calmly at you. 

“Then stay,” she says, her eyes sparkling with something that’s not her magic. She seems to radiate joy, and you find it contagious. 

The next time she kisses you, she does it gently, delicately, and it feels new, although you’ve kissed plenty in the last ten days. 

She kisses you as if she could never grow tired of the taste of your lips, her hands limited to cup your face and grace your chin every few seconds. You feel cared for, and although every single kiss has led to something more until now, you don’t seem to want anything more now. 

It’s strange because although you want her, you don’t want to break this kiss, this kiss that feels eternal. 

But you’re not, and she’s isn’t yours to have. 

The door bursts open, and Wanda pulls back from you as you sit up in a rush to find Kate standing still under the doorframe, her hand still gripping the handle as she looks at you in shock. 

For a terrifying moment, the world seems to stop. 

Your stomach drops, and Wanda stands up slowly, but you can see her hands shaking slightly and her breathing getting elaborated. 

“They’re back,” Kate says, finally remembering what she came here for. “Steve and Natasha - Natasha is here.”

“What?” Wanda asks, and your stomach drops for the second time for the night. 

Kate leaves without sparing either one of you another look, and Wanda is - you don’t think she’s breathing. 

“Wanda,” you call her, and she finally looks at you. Gone is the look in her eyes that she only saved for you. Gone is the person that was just kissing you a minute ago. 

“I’m so sorry.” She shakes her head before she makes for the door. “God, I’m so sorry.” Her accent is so thick, and she’s shaking, looking as if she wants to stay but knowing that she has to leave at the same time. 

“It’s okay,” you tell her, even as you leave her bed and feel your heart breaking. 

“You have to leave,” she says, and her voice breaks, her eyes turn red in a blink, and you have the urge to reassure her, but you can’t do it right now. 

“I know.” You nod, and the weird thing is that you’re almost certain that you can see your own heartbreak reflected in the look on her face. 

…

[saintetheldredablogshorrormovies]

so ive watched episode 2 of hannibal (fungi murders) which of course first of all like the first is so utterly brilliant. and i think its fitting that they dropped a flannery o'connor allusion in this episode. cause this show is so incredible at portraying the complete and honest ugliness and neediness of human impulses and desires (how lonely are we all really deep down? if the fungi shit is anything to judge by the answer to that might be pretty frightening). just like what made her name. i bet the writer/s loved her and im sure shed be proud

and this is important i think cause an idea that comes from flannery o'connor, at least in the way i read and interpret her, is that there might be more honesty in the object after its been utterly emptied and drained and deprived of meaning than there is in the living thing. i think this runs through her texts but i guess the most direct, impactful and famous way she expressed it is in possibly her most famous quote, from the short story "a good man is hard to find," when a murderer says:

"she would've been a good woman, if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life" (as in, people are only good, honest, just, when theyve been emptied of all pride on the verge of death)

this was kind of her contribution to the southern gothic in my eyes. the idea that god is found in the ugly, unfiltered, destructive, and everyday things, and any refinement or politeness just takes us further from him

we've just seen two killers in succession kill people in the name of expressing their love for them/forming a deeper connection with them. are they just plain stupid for doing something so counter-intuitive? well, theyre immoral obviously, but in the logic of the show, theyre not JUST crazy i think. cause people arent honest when theyre alive. they cant be. if we were honest with ourselves about the darkest most vulnerable parts of ourselves, maybe wed do some really fucked up things. idk maybe we wouldnt but people have certainly suggested as much (eg freud)

i think this is what the cannibalistic compulsion for the human flesh is going to come from. will is a person who is adverse to therapy, seemingly cause he doesnt like people just pretending they can understand his mind from the outside. both hannibal and will bond over that in their interactions, their valuing honesty much higher than pretension. how long till that turns into the impulse to know the body emptied of meaning in its truest form (by eating it)