#a very strong hyperfixation of mine that I never post about

[gnomey22]

LOOK AT ME! | Failtopia Animatic

Finally finished my first animatic! It's a pretty short one, but I'm proud of it.

All credit for the audio goes to "The Spot vs W.D. Gaster - RAP BATTLE!" by Freshy Kanal, here's a link to that.

[vulpecular-draconic]

so… i think i finally consciously figured out something.

this lull that i’m experiencing, that i’ve mentioned in previous posts? i know where it began. or, the two things that i think began it. i don’t remember which order they happened in? so i’ll just describe them.

incident one: i tried to talk about alterhumanity with my mom and sister. not just in vague, this-is-a-thing way — they already knew it existed and thought it was weird — but i tried to explain phantom limbs to them. i asked them if they experienced phantom limbs, and kinda told them about mine. which was a mistake. they didn’t make fun of me exactly, but my sister gave me weird looks (and thought i was confusing it for imagination, which i didn’t have the energy to correct at that point), and my mom just said she thought i had a strong imagination (in a less-frustrating way than my sister). but i left the whole interaction feeling VERY much like i’d shared too much of myself. i still feel that way about it. i noticed afterwards that it was harder to feel connected to my ‘types.

incident two: i filled out an alterhuman survey. i’m not sure why, but something about one of the questions — or rather, something in the way i answered it — left me feeling… empty, in regards to alterhumanity? i closed the app and got up from my chair suddenly feeling like i’d broken something. i don’t really know why it made me feel that way. the question had been asking about how much i viewed myself as human. my answer was that i felt like “human” was more of a job title, a purpose, than something i was. it was the first time i’d contextualized it that way — outside of my head, at least? — and… idk. but everything felt Different after that. 

these both happened around the beginning of 2024, i think. for a few weeks afterwards, i clung on to posting about alterhuman stuff, trying to get that feeling back. eventually though, i accepted the lull and stopped trying to wring connection to myself out of tumblr.

i didn’t fully accept the reasons for the lull, though. it’s true that i’ve had natural lulls before even knowing i was alterhuman, but i pretended that was all it was.

since the lull began there’s been a few spotty days where my connection feels stronger, but hardly ever to the strength i felt it before, and hardly for longer than a day or two.

what really worries me is that the only kintype i feel consistently connected to now is being a pearl fox (and avian-humanoid, but that’s less of a species and more just limbs that almost always feel comfortable to me. and dragons, which feel more like otherheartedness, but i always get shifty about those whenever i interact with dragon content). but even being a pearl fox feels more distant than it did. all my types felt very real as i was feeling them, but i worry that they won’t come back. what if they were hyperfixation-induced identities, and now that the hyperfixation has abated, i’ll never feel like them again? 

because i am a psychological alterhuman. i’m at the whims of my own subconscious. i think i definitely was everything i said i was back then at the time i said it, but i don’t feel like i am anymore, not in the same way. i tried, but i can’t force it to come back. i’m still not quite sure why it left.

to be honest, the only thing that’s keeping me from completely doubting if i’m alterhuman at all is remembering how i found out i was alterhuman in the first place.

i acted nonhuman (specifically, cat-like) since i was eight, until i was shamed out of it.

i constantly pictured myself as a dragon and had dragon phantom limbs around the ages of eleven-thirteenish.

right before finding out about alterhumanity in 2023, i realized i was placing an unusual amount of weight on the question “what is your favorite animal.” my answer had been cats as long as i could remember, but that had become increasingly uncomfortable to say in recent years (dysphoric, in hindsight). i felt that my favorite animal had to encapsulate my personality, and for some reason, cats no longer did. i realized i was drawn more to foxes the same week i learned about alterhumanity. 

i kind of wish i had learned about alterhumanity a bit later than i did. a couple months later maybe, that would’ve been ideal. give myself more time to learn about foxes and i connect to them on my own, without getting it tangled up in preconceptions, yknow?

because red foxes? the species that pearl foxes are a color morph of? i initially discarded them too quickly, because i didn’t feel connected to the classic red fox color morph. so i went searching for a whole different fox species, and found bat-eared foxes. it’s hard to describe in with words, but think that made everything a lot messier in the months afterward.

i’ve always had a fascination and connection with dragons, which hasn’t faded in the same way my connection with cats did, but i’m wondering if i was too eager to call it a kintype. i’m definitely at least dragonhearted, that’s for sure. i’ve definitely been a dragon before. i think i’ve been all the kintypes i list in my intro post, but i don’t know if that being was something that was ever meant to last.

i’m thinking about the list of animals i wrote down before discovering alterhumanity, when i was trying to figure out which creature was my favorite. i think i want to go back to before i found out about bat-eared foxes, and i want to start from scratch. make absolutely sure i’m not tying myself to an exceptionally long, hyperfixation-induced cameo shift. they have all been very important to me, and still are in many ways, and i’ve been scared that admitting to myself that things might have Changed and that it would mean they could never be important to me again. but that’s silly. they can be important again if that happens to happen.

i’ve only been awakened for what, a little over year now? compared to so many other alterhumans, i’m just a kit. i’ve barely started my journey with nonhumanity.

so i’m tentatively starting with a new status quo; i am a pearl fox.

i think i’m comfortable saying that, but i need to parse what exactly that means to me. i’m less so a pearl fox in a real-world all-fours fox kinda way (though it feels like that some rare occasions). i’m more so a fox in fable-trickster-figure kinda way, creative and clever and skulking around. (i think that may be where my fae/changeling kintype came from — it melds with my pearl fox ‘type in a way that may mean it’s not entirely its own thing. i don’t feel comfortable calling myself a fae anymore, not in a literal way. changeling i still have to think about.) sometimes i feel more like a pearl fox in a grungy way; less whimsical, more grounded, listening to rough music and wanting more from life. sometimes being a pearl fox feels more like a metaphor: a metaphor for how various parts of my identity has been dehumanized, and a channel to express the parts of me that snuck around to stay safe.

but it always, in some way, feels like me. it feels like it fits my pre-awakening criteria for a favorite animal: an animal that can encompass my personality completely.

i should probably make a new intro post with this info soon, but i’m not quite sure how to explain it in that format yet. but i’m happier now that i’ve figured this out. all my other kintypes, and even my hearttype and hearthome, i want to put away for now. not necessarily abandon forever; if the connection is still there in some form, they’ll come back. but i want to make sure i’m not forcing myself to make them stick around.

so yeah, reintroduction, i guess! i’m vuldra, i’m a pearl fox, and i don’t know if that’s ‘heartedness or ‘kinity or both in fluctuation.

[genericpuff]

Hello I realize this isn't necessarily the platform so completely understand if you ignore this! Wondering if you can provide a brief overview of what's going on with the popular WT creators? I get mixed information and you seem to have a lot of knowledge. (Snailords, Mongie, RS, Ephemerys, Uruchan. I heard about the Snailords dog and fan blasting stuff and Ephemerys possibly being inappropriate with minor fans. Really hoping Uru hasn't done anything.)

I'm not really gonna ignore your question but I will address it sort of? Because like... I'm gonna go off on a tangent here so bear with me, but I think a lot of people see my analysis / "callout" posts here and assume that's what this blog is for, but like? Not really? Like I certainly do that here at times when it's something that's really eating at me and I have to get out of my system, I love analyzing works I used to enjoy or otherwise have strong feelings about (ex. I never liked Big Ethel Energy but I'm miffed that it exists at all so I can't resist talking about it lmao) and I'm obviously VERY verbose about it, but I draw the line with actively seeking out stuff that's controversial or ripe for criticism just for the sake of creating 'content'. I'm one person who started this blog to mostly talk about LO, I'm not a monolith or solid source on everything to do with Webtoons and there are other people talking about these things in far more detail than I could :' )

With that said, I'm aware of the Snailords situation because of how often it's been brought up in the /r/webtoons sub (and I used to read their work years ago, before they were on Webtoons), and when it comes to RS and Mongie, I'm simply a former fan of their comics and I didn't realize the problems with them until their series jumped the shark and I had a chance to go "wait a second-" so I have that degree of "investment" that fans have have which spurs me on to talk about (and criticize) their work. It doesn't occur in a bubble.

I have NO idea what's up with Ephemerys and Uruchan, like I deadass don't know who those people are so your guess is as good as mine ╮(￣ω￣;)╭ (I googled them after reading this though, I know their series and have heard great things about Purple Hyacinth and a lot of "meh" stuff about UnOrdinary) So you won't catch me talking about them here unless I genuinely decide to give them a try LOL (and I've said my peace about reading stuff just for the sake of criticizing it, I ain't about that, I want to make room for things that bring me joy, too <3) That said, if you search for these creators via reddit and communities like it, you'll undoubtedly find the info you're looking for ! (when I googled Uruchan it seems like most of people's issues with them is that UnOrdinary has gone down the tubes in terms of quality, nothing really controversial about Uruchan specifically though from what I can tell).

EDIT: upon further clarification from OP, there isn't in fact anything worth noting, so we're clearing up for the record now!

Literally outside of my hyperfixation on LO and other Webtoon-specific topics that fall into my lap through the run of a day (like whatever I see going on in the /r/webtoons sub and other webcomic communities), I'm still like, a normal person who isn't aware of every single thing going on and so I'm not gonna ever be able to cover every controversy and piece of gossip out there. I wouldn't want that, either, balance is crucial.

I do think it's sorta sweet though that people enjoy my takes on LO and comics like it so much that they want to hear my opinions on other works, especially ones that they have opinions on and want to hear my take. But I'm still just one person. I don't read everything and I don't have an opinion about everything, I don't need to :' )

[animasola86]

A little side note to the tags I seem to be "clogging up"...

So I got an ask lately accusing me of "clogging up" fandom tags when I post original fiction. Now, I see the "problem". You expect to see your blorbo. Sure thing, I get it.

BUT

You never had the urge to broaden your horizon a little? To look beyond? If not, fine, you keep scrolling until you find the perfect post for your fandom needs, that's totally fine. (Just, maybe, don't let me know? Just block me or scroll past my post and be done with it? Would be so much less trouble!)

If you do not have a problem with one (1) weekly (!) post of mine on your favorite tag, then let me explain WHY I'm poking my head into all these different fandoms.

As I said, I write ORIGINAL FICTION, yes, but all my stories are inspired by the same people these tags are for! Bits and pieces of them, looks, voices, characteristics, dynamics, story elements, etc. I am a consumer too! I may not be an active part of your favorite fandom, but I'm a lurker, I see things as well, and I consume, and I ingest it all, and I chose to form all those different aspects into new characters.

For example: The Daddy character in my Dd/lg story LOST & FOUND sometimes looks like Pedro Pascal to me, sometimes like Jensen Ackles, (or any other tall, bearded man really), sounds like Simon Riley (without the accent) or Geralt of Rivia, is soft like Joel Miller or Arthur Morgan can be to their loved ones, has a dominant presence like Wolverine, or an intimidating one like Billy Butcher. Or any other male character (or person) I might have stumbled upon and deemed somewhat attractive and/or interesting.

(Same with female characters, of course, for example I do have a strong vibe towards Geralt and Yennefer when I imagine Mommy and Daddy, or maybe Joel and Tess, or other couples I've seen somewhere.)

I create with other things in mind, as writers do. We can't produce things out of an empty void.

Now, I also always keep my original characters vague, barely describe their physical appearances BECAUSE I want to speak to as many people as possible, because I want you, dear reader, to fill in the blanks. Sir from my other original fiction INFATUATED is another character I kept intentionally vague, he doesn't even have a name (spoiler: Daddy may or may not get one, just because it fits the story)!

You may think I'm trying too hard to appease everyone, but what if I am? I just want my stories to be read, and Tumblr is a fandom place, and original fiction has a really hard time finding potential readers. I also found it doesn't really matter who your characters are, how they look like, it's their actions that bring the story forward, and so I'm completely fine with the way I portray characters. And I really hope you are too.

Like I mentioned, I get the need to read stories about your favorite blorbo and their specific mannerisms and looks and whatnot, I was part of a fandom too once, I know the obsession, the hyperfixation, but I still ask you to be gentle with writers trying something different.

Don't go around bashing them because they don't write the way you want them to. Ignore, block, scroll away, it's so easy! Don't get riled up because your Reader-insert story doesn't portray how YOU are perfectly (because how could it? It's tailored to reach a wide audience and hmm, guess what, people are different, and sometimes, the Reader character needs to have some defining features or a backstory to bring the plot along), just immerse yourself in the story, have an open mind, let new things in.

I write for fun, I love writing, and I love sharing my stuff. I still get very anxious when I share it though, because there are so many people here, and when there are a lot of people, there will always be one or two who yell the loudest, and while I also get positive feedback, the negative one will always weigh more, unfortunately...

So what I am ranting/pleading/yapping on about is this: I apologize for "clogging up" your fandom tags with my weekly posts of original fiction. Please forgive me, but I will not stop. I spent so much time and energy writing these stories, and while I do write for myself, as they say, I still want what I created to be read and seen by others.

And thus far, it did work, people came and read and liked what I posted, and I am so grateful! (Thank you for giving me a chance, even if it's not what you were looking for!)

I just hope I can continue spreading my works with the means I used before without pulling the wrath of more people... I do not mean any harm. I keep my posts short (above the cut anyway). If the moodboard header isn't for you, I am sorry, but I want my posts to be somewhat aesthetically pleasing, and I will not use any of your blorbos, to keep it vague. Those pictures are just to set the tone, nothing more, no representation of the characters portrayed!

All I ask for is either your understanding or your ignorance (as in: ignore me pls). If you agree with me, thank you, if not, that's valid, but just know that every negative comment can cause any writer to stop creating something others enjoyed. We rise and fall with whatever feedback we're getting.

Please keep the negativity off my blog. This is for smut enjoyers, and smut is usually between two (or more) characters, and on this blog here, they can be anyone you choose - if you open your mind and allow yourself to fill in the blanks. If you need someone to tell you every single detail of your favorite blorbo to enjoy whatever is written, then you may just be at the wrong place. Kindly move on, and I hope you will find what you are looking for!

Thank you, again, to those who do support what I'm doing, who look past the tags, or are curious enough to venture into different realms, away from one specific fandom to the land of original fiction where anything goes. I'm happy you're here with me, thank you.

[editrevue]

hiiiii hi hi haiii guys!!! ^_^ I don't rlly know much about these revstar girlies (the anime is on my to watch list! i just have to wait for the stars to align in my brain to. let me watch it 🥲) but i wanted to send in a request so!!!! how bout y'all make something self indulgent!! And to wanna make it interesting..... maybe you can make something for a kin/comf that isn't too popular by. fandom standards? or is just underappreciated in general?? if that makes sense?? okay thats allll have a nice day guys have fun bye byeeeee :33

-Cherry @/sunbedo 🍒💕

CHERRY!!! here's hers and here's mine!! @sunbedo

Hiii hi hi hiiiiiii!! omg don't worry, this was incredibly fun to do and it had us both thinking about the popularity of certain characters and who we'd like to see more content of, so we appreciate you sending this in! also I'm sorry for the wait to post this ask, it got completely lost in the drafts for a while and I wanted to ramble a bit under a cut ajsdakhd oh and let me know if you want to be 🍒anon at any point! ily and thanks again!! have a good night cherry 🥺

I only put this under a read more so I don't ramble too much but omg if you get into revstar let us know!!! it's still raging strong as a special interest and hyperfixation and we'd both love to talk abt it with you!! and please take your time there's never any rush to get into it! might i add that i love the usage of "if the stars align" here because if that ain't the most befitting for this source that you could've said... kjDSHASD <- revstar is very "star" themed, literally and figuratively! but hmm. if I had to kin assign you anybody especially from the anime I'd say probably Futaba and/or Karen!!! It's a little harder to say from Starira but I just KNOW you'd love Frontier and their found family tropes. Aruru? Misora? who knows but I also think you'd enjoy the Siegfeld Juniors a lot, especially Minku and Kuina for some reason. But yeah! the anime only focuses on the Seisho cast so that'd be your first introduction if you started with the anime and basically like the only introduction unless you looked into the mobile game or stage plays! which we can always help you with because we both have the resources. the cast is fairly small (if you don't count side characters and background characters which in of itself is few and far between) totaling about 40ish or so, roughly. so it's both easy and difficult to find "obscure" or underrated characters that don't get attention in the fandom because they're all loved by *someone* but there are characters that aren't as popular by default at the same time (like Frontier, Seiran, some Siegfeld, etc.) so that's why I went with Shiori Yumeoji for a kin, and Sun went with Tsukasa Ebisu for a kin as well! If we went with ccs, I would've chosen Misora or Stella, and I think it's funny because we got a few rqs for them recently since we've done this rq so it really worked out that way! Sun said she probably would have done Shiori as a cc if love didn't chose a kin too which worked out since I ended up doing that for myself. um anywaysss yeah! omg! I hope you enjoy it whenever you have the motivation and do not hesitate to talk to us about it or send in anything else for us to do in the meantime! this was very good for the soul

[takethistoyourstardust]

That is awesome about your mom!!! Unfortunately mine does not like the rest of their music at all like 😭 her taste is impeccable but she just does not vibe with them (I think... she thinks they are kind of posers...!😭)

I USED TO FOLLOW YOU ON MY OLD TUMBLR BEFORE LEAVING FOR A WHILE AND I FOLLOWED AGAIN JUST BC WE HAVE A LOT OF SIMILAR INTERESTS AND LIKE. I NEVER SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT FOB SO THD FACT THAT THEY ATE YOUR BLOG WAS STARTLING BUT ALSO. YAY 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 (also I only followed on my old blog like a year ago I am not freaky time travel anon from the other night 😂)

OH NOOOOOOO i don't think my mom has very strong opinions about them, but she does like Sugar We're Going Down at least!! My mom's music taste is really good too tbh, but you also have to remember that she had me growing up on the Wicked OBC soundtrack ^^;

OH FUN HIIIII WELCOME BACK!! YEAH THE FABABOI THING IS A VERY RECENT HYPERFIXATION i got into them around January this year, when Love From The Other Side dropped!! And then slowly they consumed my blog!! :D!! So I hope that my constant and never ending fababoi posting is keeping you entertained!!

(AND YEA THAT ANON MADE ME CACKLE LASKDFJ;ASLDFJK i do wonder if they just looked up her name in the search and went as far back as the search would let it... but i like to imagine they have genuinely been here that long LASDJF;LASJD;FLKJ)

[softxsuki]

hi!! id like to make an urgent request please :)

tw !! mention of self harm / new sh wounds , mention of a blade

if you’re alright with it, id like to request a (romantic) hawks x gn!reader where hawks walks in on reader relapsing.

ive recently grown more and more stressed and tired lately, like my energy is constantly being drained and no matter how hard i try im not enough to stop it. and i wanna reach out for help cause i know i have friends who care about me but i just cant for some reason—i dont feel the need to ask for help cause i just dont think i deserve it. no matter how many times ill comfort others i was never strong enough to ask for the same comfort, and instead of going to someone and talking about it i turn to my blade.

hawks is a big comfort character of mine and my current hyperfix, and as embarassing as it is—reading comfort fanfics of him is a way of coping with it all. so id gladly appreciate if you could write this for me :) ++ if possible, id love if youd be able to include hawks cleaning reader’s cuts, cleaning them bringd me a sense of comfort and id love to see that in the fic.

but if you’re uncomfy about anything at all, no worries ! you dont have to write this if you dont wanna :) have a lovely day<3

Hawks Comforting Reader After They Self-Harm

please do not read if any kind of mentions of self-harm will do you more harm than good!

Pairing: Hawks x Gn!reader

Warnings: mentions of self harm, blade, blood, scars

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Drabble

Word Count: 750

Summary: In which your BF Hawks catches you self harming and cleans up your fresh cuts

[A/N: Hey hey, so sorry for taking so long to write this, I know it was urgent. I just happened to get sick randomly and couldn't focus to write. But I finally got this done for you! I hope you're still around to read it </3. Hopefully it provides you with some comfort. Always go to others for help before taking matters into your own hands. Even if you feel like you can't, I'm sure the people in your life would love to help you out <3 I'm here too if you ever need anything! Enjoy!]

You look back and forth between the bloody mess in front of you to the panicked face of Keigo who had walked in on you. 

He was supposed to be gone for the whole day, patrolling his designated area until later that evening. Who knew he’d stop by to check in on you, hoping to have lunch together before continuing his patrol duties. Yet, coming home to you hovering over the bathroom sink with blood dripping from your delicate skin was not what he expected at all.

Of course he knew about your history with self-harm and could very clearly see all your past scars on your body, but he never expected to see you actively harm yourself in front of him. 

“Y/N…” He starts cautiously, eyeing the blade in your hands as you shake with regret.

“I’m sorry,” you cry, dropping the blade in the sink and moving your bleeding wrists away from his view, but he quickly closes the space between you.

Gentle hands grab your own and inspect the damage done. He rolls up the sleeves of his hero suit and gets to work on cleaning you up. With a clean towel he dabs the blood away, applying slight pressure to help stop the bleeding a little, whispering an apology whenever you flinch from the pain. 

He’s silent; contemplating how he let it get this far. He was a hero for crying out loud and the one person he wanted to keep safe the most out of everyone else in the world, managed to get harmed while he was away. He was angry and frustrated at himself that he couldn’t prevent the fresh cuts on your arms. All those nights he kissed your scars and whispered sweet promises of love and protection were all for nothing. Why couldn’t he be more useful to you?

“Keigo, I didn’t mea-” you start, but he quickly cuts you off as he finishes applying the bandage wrap to your wrist.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I should have known something was off, I should have paid more attention and been around to help instead of being out. I’m sorry.”

He presses kisses to your bandaged wrist, just wishing that he could have the magical healing power that Recovery Girl’s kisses had. He wished he could kiss all your pain away and face it all himself in your stead. 

“No, no, this is all on me. You’re always there for me, telling me how much you love me and trying your best to encourage me and lift me up, but I always hold back,” you confess, snatching your arms away from him in guilt, “You’re so busy as it is saving everyone. I don’t want to add to your burdens with my own problems as well. I thought I could deal with it all alone, but I failed. I turned back to my blade because it was too much to bear on my own.”

He sighs, and this time brings you into his arms in an embrace, “That’s because we’re not meant to go through these things alone, babe. Even as a hero I don’t do things on my own either. I have a whole agency backing me up along with my other fellow heroes. No one can accomplish anything on their own without hurting themselves. So please let me be there for you to help you as much as you’ve helped me.”

Silent sobs escape your lips as he continues to hold you and speak.

“All those days when you held me after I failed to save someone. All those nights you patched me up after a mission and I stubbornly refused to go to a hospital; let me be there for you for all your tough times as well. Let me be the one to gather you up again and listen to all your worries, don’t fight your battles alone anymore. I promise you’re not a bother to me at all. I want to be there for you. It’s my job,” he reassures you. 

“All right,” you sniffle, finally wrapping your own arms around him, accepting his comfort.

He calls the agency afterwards, letting them know that he can’t come in for the rest of the day and instead spends his time with you. Listening intently to everything that’s been bubbling up in your heart, right by your side, wiping your tears away and giving you his unconditional support and love. He’s definitely making sure you don’t deal with things on your own anymore :)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted 3/5/2023

[azlrse]

I wanna expand more of the Replaced!MC AU that many of you liked and even posted some fics (which I really loved btw!). I'm hyperfixated towards my very own AU and I want to explain further more about this AU;

Basically in this alternate universe, MC is the student council president of a very prestigious school in the human world. A school where the best and smartest students came from and they run the student body with an iron fist. The school itself is more like an ivy league school and was indeed very fancy and strict. Comparing it to Devildom's RAD (Royal Academy of Diavolo) where the students tend to disregard the improper wearing of uniform, the school where MC attended reinforces the strict rule of wearing the uniform correctly.

There are many claims on why MC was chosen to be the student council president. Some say that their intelligence, perseverance, and strong will can make the school a better place while others say that they make their way towards the top by participating in many academic and extracurricular activities, contributing to their overall attributes on why they became one of the candidates during the rally.

But deep inside, MC transformed all those bittersweet and horrible memories of their time as a exchange student; the memories where they were humiliated, abandoned and was deemed as an annoyance, a pest and overall, a human who was was "desperate" to have some time with the demon brothers only to be ignored for the new human they call their friend.

Those memories are the reason why they became a new person. They refused to be seen as weak nor being casted aside and being called worthless and annoying. They don't want to be that MC whom they burned, never to be seen again. Their past self whom they pitted but only to be scoffed off and left them for good.

MC can hate the brothers for what they have done, yes but very deep within their gut they either want to forgive them or have a revenge plotted against them but it's your own choice to decide. After all...

It's your story to begin with. So, which ending will you prefer, dear reader?

[Feel free to send in some ask about this AU of mine! I wanna answer some questions or thoughts about this AU of mine :DD]

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

Curious and autistic-coded

Hello there! April draws to an end and with that I think it’s high time to hurry up and write this. What does April have to do with anything, you ask? April is the Autism Acceptance Month. So what better month to do this?

Unfortunately I didn’t make it. I failed. It’s already 1. 5. when I’m posting this. But at least I tried to deliver on time.

In this mini essay I’ll present my case about why I think the Curious brothers from TS2 Strangetown display autistic-coded traits and my personal takes on it.

It’s basically your average headcanon post but with a funny top hat!

0: Preface: What do I mean by “autistic-coded”?

When a character is coded as something, it means that they have traits that are associated with the demographics in question to make the consumer knowingly or not link the character with the demographic, although the character's "label” is never explicitly disclosed.

In the nutshell, it means that there are canonical reasons to read the characters as autistic, although you won't find the word "autism" anywhere in the game nor in the developer's commentary.

In this particular case I do believe that the developer may not even be aware of the code, as there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. If there is, I’m not aware of it and I would be happy to learn.

So, let’s start!

1: “The white male who is very good at science”

Unfortunately autistic representation in pop-culture has a long history of being rather straightforward in which traits the characters often have. This stems from the belief that autism is “a boy’s disorder” (that’s why some autism charities to this day use blue in their symbols). Among popular examples of autistic-coded characters are Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper and Death Note’s L and Near. I’m sure you can think of more but you’ll find that most of them are men and either explicitly white or racially ambiguous white-passing. They also tend to be gifted in tech, logic or other science-y activities.

There’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong with being an autistic with those “stereotypical” characteristics and there is nothing wrong with people being represented. What is wrong is the monotony and afab people/people of color being underrepresented which leads (among other factors) to harder access to diagnosis and resources for those people in real life. But! That’s a topic for a different day. (and not for a simbrl, mind you)

Back to the Curiouses! I just wanted to say that autism in media is traditionally associated with characters whose gender presentation, race and interests align with theirs. Those characteristic thus make a very convenient template for autistic-coding.

2: Inconsistent performance, huge gaps between strengths and weaknesses

Pascal, Vidcund and Lazlo are very skilled Sims by default, extraordinarily even for their age. Pascal has a skill maxed while his younger brothers both near maxing theirs.

But as you can see in Pascal’s default skill panel, apart from Creativity, all his other skills are extremely low, 0 points for Mechanical, Body and Charisma, 1 point for Cooking and Logic and his second best skill, Cleaning, has only 3 points. The same situation can be observed in Vidcund’s and Lazlo’s, except their strong suits are Logic and Cooking respectively.

Huge discrepancies within performance in different cognitive areas is a common trait found in those on the autism spectrum. We’re often talking extremes here and the scale of the difference is the defining factor. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, it’s just in neurodivergent people those tend to be unusually noticeable.

I think that skills, simplified as they are, are the closest The Sims has to possibly simulate that because they track the character’s performance and expertise in different areas and allow comparison. In real life, of course, this comparison is not nearly as possible and exact, nor desired, but for all our analysis-loving enthusiasm, here we’re still talking fictional characters.

3: Struggle with social cues

It is widely known that one of autistic traits are difficulties with processing social situations, picking social cues and successfully replicating socially desired behavioral patterns.

But these three are Sims, are they not? They cannot possibly display this trait, since they’re programmed the same way as others.

Yes and no.

It is true that there is no specific in-game feature that would allow Sims to behave with explicit neurodivergency in mind* but with the right combination of traits they can simulate behavior that really hits close to home for neurodivergent players.

*at least not in TS2, TS3 has traits that simulate some possible neurodivergencies but their names tend to be rather... ableist unfortunate and they’re not relevant to this post since they’re not autism related, and even if they were, we’re focusing on TS2 exclusively

Let’s take look at Lazlo here. He is, indeed, a playful soul. He likes to goof around, tell jokes, make others laugh. And since he’s very close to his brother Vidcund, close enough even to Tell Dirty Joke (an interaction that needs quite a high relationship to unlock), he autonomously does just that.

And oh boy, does Vidcund disapprove.

From my personal experience playing them, their relationship usually takes quite a hit from every cheeky joke Lazlo throws Vid’s way. They usually autonomously repair it very quick but it happens often.

But that’s a standard behavior. Vidcund’s very serious, he doesn’t take well to jokes.

No. I mean technically yes, Vid is definitely a grumpy old plant dad but, at least in my game, he tends to accept Lazlo’s jokes. All kinds of them, actually, except for the dirty ones. And Pascal, who technically has even lower Playful points (0 in comparison to Vidcund’s 4), doesn’t seem to mind Lazlo’s poor attempts at grown-up humor.

But! What is it that makes Lazlo try still? What drives him to attempt to make Vidcund laugh with a dirty joke over and over again? (and fail?)

I my interpretation, Lazlo doesn’t do that on purpose, he is just really poor at evaluating “dirtiness” of a given joke and frequently misinterprets Vidcund’s cues. The animation of a dirty joke being rejected even supports that as Vid doesn’t signal his discomfort with any exaggerated easy-to-read facial expression until Lazlo gets to his punchline.

No only that but as I mentioned, the invisible lines between spicy and too vulgar are often hard to thread. I can recall many times I thought I was saying a witty quip on an “adult” topic and was met with awkward silence or someone shushing me because “that’s not how you speak in public”. I can well imagine myself in Lazlo’s shoes.

A situation of social cues being misinterpreted or ignored can be observed also in Vidcund. Programming-wise, those are just his low Niceness and extreme Shyness showing but combined they again paint a picture of a very neurodivergent-looking behavioral pattern.

He often behaves like the concept of politeness or social rules doesn’t exist because the combination of the aforementioned traits makes him come off very blunt (lecturing and shoving telescope-peepers with no warning whatsoever) and distant (having a high chance of rejecting simple small-talk socials).

(That’s Jasmine Rai casting the “Summon Vidcund” spell.)

Yes, I am fully aware that it makes a stronger case for him being an a**hole than autistic but... there’s no reason he can’t be both. Not all autistic people are sweet cinnamon buns, all personalities you can think of can be neurodiverse and, for some their neurodiversity can even amplify their inconsiderate ways, as I believe it is the case with our dear grouch Vidcund.

4. Their bios

“No matter what happens, Pascal believes there is a logical explanation for everything. In his free time, he practices home psychoanalysis and collects conspiracy theories.”

(that’s how I imagine practicing psychoanalysis looks like, sorry Freud)

“Serious and exact, Vidcund strives to fit the universe into a nice tidy package. He has an unnatural fondness for African violets.”

(let’s collectively pretend those are African violets)

“Not as studious as his older brothers, Lazlo got his degree in Phrenology. He likes to call phone psychics and spends hours trying to bend forks with his mind.”

*error: screenshot of Lazlo bending forks not found*

(but here he is hanging out with Erin Beaker, the closest thing to “calling phone psychics” you can actually do in-game)

Both Pascal’s and Vidcund’s bios point to a pattern-focused worldview with a strong emphasis on rationality as the center-point that anchors the way they understand the world around them and build their principles on. This “pattern-ization” of thinking is a common autistic trait, with rationality being a popular theme because emotions tend to be difficult to access and asses for many of us.

Lazlo’s biography is an outlier. But it still has something significant in common with those of his brothers: All three of their bios allude to a potential special interest of sorts.

Special interests as an autism-related term are very specific, in-depth and long-term hobbies or areas of expertise that make an autistic person happy and they tend to go to seemingly exhausting lengths, often at the cost of other areas of knowledge and most likely the person’s ability to talk about anything else for a long enough time. (a loving hyperbole, no disrespect meant) Mine are my characters and cats. An even more intense but a short(er)-term passion is called a hyperfixation.

Them potentially having a special interest is yet another possible autistic-coded feature.

5. Wait. Why does it matter?

Right. What does it matter if a Sim (A SIM) (or two or three) is autistic? What do I hope to achieve, pushing my autistic Curiouses agenda down your throats?

I got to write a long rant-piece about some of my favorite TS characters and I feel like I can finally die satisfied.

Apart from that and me sharing my happiness of finding some good pixels I can relate to, it is a matter of representation.

Remember by the very beginning I wrote how most of the representation our community gets in media tends to be just a one specific type of character?

And how the Curious brothers seem to fit the stereotype to a point?

There is something I omitted, something I saved for the last on purpose.

The role. The role in their story, the role in the society the piece of media portrays.

We often see neurodiverse, autistic or autistic-coded character as children, students, villains, lone savants, victims in distress, comedic relief sidekicks, either very vulnerable and needing protection, or detached and having their role defined only by their academic prowess or their special interest/profession.

What we rarely get to see them as, are... parents.

That’s what many of us autistics are or plan to be someday in the future. The dogma around autism has started to dwindle relatively recently and there are little to no examples of autistic adults being the care-givers for once in the media around us.

The Curious brothers are just that. They are chaotic, they are eccentric, they can be a little too much... but they are dutiful and loving fathers/uncles to their little aliens they raise.

They make it work. Even if they face difficulties, even if they don’t exactly fit the standard.

“Sometimes, a family truly can be three brothers raising alien babies, and it’s beautiful.”

It encourages us to define family by love rather than traditional structures and it shows us that portrait of a functional neurodiverse family we need to see.

And goodness, is it a powerful sight.

[siriuslydaz3d]

Thank you, Technoblade.

I'm going to put a break so you dont have to read this if you arent comfortable, but I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. The last few hours have been rough. This post includes mentions of cancer and death, so avoid if those things make you uncomfortable. I love you all.

When I found out about Techno's passing last night, I instantly burst into tears. Technoblade has been an off and on hyperfixation of mine for so long now. He's one of the reasons I've wanted to become a content creator on YouTube.

I've never talked about him much on here, but over on twitter, I've tweeted about him countless times. I rarely missed a stream. He never failed to make me smile. He was a strong fighter, and in a way, he beat cancer's ass by leaving things in a tie.

His death is hitting very close to home right now because I'm currently losing my aunt to lung and endometrial cancer, after almost losing her to uterine cancer a few years ago. I watched my own mother battle cancer, so my entire heart goes out to his family and friends.

I'm going to link some cancer charities you can donate to. If you have the money, try to donate. If not, share them around.

Sarcoma foundation

Saint Jude

Riley Hospital

Susan G Komen

Once again, Thank you, Technoblade. Thank you for the joy you brought everyone. Thank you for everything you did to spread awareness for cancer.

Technoblade never dies.

[pumpkinofthedale]

thinking about cronus again and you're the certified cronus blog for talking about him! i like to imagine he picked up his greaser hyperfix on the outsiders vs grease n even though a big part of his character is being an asshole he would really get into ideology too, y'know? probs because of his identity issues. so consider: cronus learning about punk.

Legit i almost cried when i read that first sentence bc like.... i’ve always been pretty ignored when it comes to posting my thoughts and headcanons and art so calling me a certified blog for talking about him is just

anyways I had originally never seen either of those movies (i just watched grease like an hour ago though so i could form actual opinions on these movies and i plan on actually watching outsiders tomorrow) 

But I definitely think he would try to absorb as much of a human identity as he possibly could. However punk is something that has always been part of my life so i have a lot of opinions: Cronus is technically punk.

What he is doing is ultimately subversive and shocking (and frequently anti-cop and anti-establishment) that is what punk is (not quite sure why a lot of people on this website classify punk as radical kindness when it’s basically just crafting a messy counterculture way of life. Punk has always had darkness in it just be definition)

But yeah, just by adopting the human greaser aesthetic he is embracing punk (though you could make the argument that it’s more him as larping as a punk because he seems pretty pro-establishment and seems comfortable being a violetblood and referring to himself as nobility from his open bound dialogue because it benefits him greatly)

I do like the idea of him liking more than just grease though. I think he probably watches a lot of movies in general since his social life is... not great haha

And technically there are thousands of iterations of cronus (if not millions) in the dream bubbles so I can see other hims as developing different human subculture fixations. (A personal favorite of mine is disco cronus which i might actually draw one day)

So in conclusion: I have yet to see the outsiders and cannot form a complete foundation of whether he would have hyperfixated on the greaser aesthetic from that or grease, but it’s equally likely because both show strong bonds between a cast of characters which is something that he craves, but the mere act of adopting the greaser aesthetic and branding himself as human kin is very much a punk move

[twixtandshout]

Tagged by @pidgeonpostal! And not tagging anyone else because I have SOILED the original template (soiled it!!) in deference to my [brushes off skirt] mostly clean public-facing appearance.

...I’ve been making a lot of Spongebob memes lately for someone who has not seen Spongebob.

How many works do you have on AO3?

71!

What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

...306,834. Jesus.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Uh. Many! I do a lot of one-offs (and/or start long things I never finish) in many different places. My top three fandoms by fics written are RWBY (29), Undertale (25), Gravity Falls/Transcendence AU (4).

Bet you can’t tell where my hyperfixations have fallen. 

I’ve also got some Pokémon and Sonic the Hedgehog fics back on my ff.net account, or I think I still do, anyway, but let’s never go back there pls

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Sweeter Than Honey (Undertale): Taking a Completely unsurprising first place, with over 600 more kudos than the runner-up, the haphazard Underswap fic featuring a post-college self-insert I wrote just after high school! I shake my head some at how overblown and ridiculous the gap between this and all my other stuff is (c’mon, guys, I’ve written way better fics), but this is also the fic which prompted me (and at least one other person!) to start using they/them pronouns. I’ve gotten a lot of really sweet comments about how seen and appreciated it’s made people feel, so I can’t get down too far about it.

2. To Be A Hero (BNHA): I don’t count myself as part of the BNHA fandom, for a number of reasons, but for something that’s arguably the main motivation for the entire plot, Midoriya’s quirklessness is something I’ve never thought has been handled well. This fic marked the first time I (somewhat tentatively) claimed the disability label (thanks again to Sweeter Than for prompting that realization) to hold that lens over canon. It also really shot up my chart, dang! It’s the only thing here I’d consider “recent.”

3. Three-Sentence Shipping (Undertale): Self-explanatory.

4. Brothers Beyond Bonedaries (Undertale): Ah, the way-overcomplicated AU³ I got nowhere close to finishing. One of the things I really like about Undertale is the interface screw, how Toby Fox uses the medium of the video game to pull off crazy things and enhance his game, but most of the fic written for the fandom seems dedicated to explaining it away, grounding it, rather than taking it to the next step and messing with the medium of fanfiction when you keep the story going. I tried to do something cool like that here, playing with questions like narrator and authorship and breaking the fourth wall, even taking the “final boss” fight to a “totally separate” fic reached through the first by link – but, well, then I never finished it, which probably didn’t make anything less confusing for the poor folks who missed the intent.

5. Spirit and Such (Gravity Falls: Transcendence AU): A whole fic written to line out a particular image I had, which, naturally, never made it to the page. I consider it a bit of a cautionary tale for myself when it comes to writing (near-)original content; there’s a lot I look back on and cringe. I still love the characters, though – well, the important ones – and I think just stepping away from the tried-and-true Mizar formula nets it a star sticker here.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

>w>; I try, but a lot of the time I just don’t have anything to say? Like, oh, you liked it? Neat. There’s not much to respond to in comments like that, and then I’m weighing falling down on an ~obligation~ to respond to every message in my inbox vs annoying people with copy-paste fluff responses all down the page. Plus I know I make more of an effort to comment on things that didn’t get the attention I feel they deserve, so if I’m driving up my own comment count with nonsense, am I preventing myself from being in a position to receive more comments later? And then if I do comment, am I being too effusive or running people’s ears off explaining things they don’t actually need to know? Sometimes people just want to express interest or admiration and don’t necessarily want a whole peek and guided tour behind the curtain.

Can you tell I have anxiety? x3;

Anyway, I do respond when I can. And I keep most of the comments I’ve gotten to go back and reread. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hm, hmm. Lots of stuff in the TQ Nonsense series would probably qualify! I’m thinking of Unfixable, Wolfsong, and Ethanol. And there’s Bursting Through A Blood-Red Sky (I Can Live, I Can Breathe), of course, but that was always intended to have a fix-it epilogue. It’s just that I wrote it in a couple of hours day-of, stared at it, and decided I didn’t wanna just then. But now that’s As Long As You’re Still Burning Bright (I’m Still Awake), and that’s probably the best romance I’ve written, so that one worked out.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Now and then! When the urge strikes. Uhhh, I’ve got a series of Doctor Who x Undertale crossovers I actually made a whole dang verse for that never made it to print. Get a couple great comments on that every few months or so. I think the World Trigger x Undertale crossover is probably weirder, though, by virtue of WT being a very small fandom. My enthusiasm kinda sputtered out on that one.

Mostly I just daydream crossovers with whatever happens to catch my eye at any given moment. I have a lot!!!! Though odds are out on whether I manage to remember any of them once the initial thought’s passed, lol.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Gotten a couple eyebrow-raising comments, but I think mostly I’m just too small a writer to draw that kind of attention.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don’t? think so? Think my tastes are a little niche for most people to bother ^^;

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I had someone apologize once for any language mistakes in their comment cause they had to run it through a translator! That’s not what you asked (the answer is no), but it’s very flattering to think that someone liked my fic enough to read and comment despite the language barrier.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! :D @pidgeonpostal was gracious enough to agree to co-write Five Nights at Denny’s with me off an idea about shoes. This has fulfilled a long-held dream of mine (collabing with someone, not the shoes) and also introduced me to some lovely people.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

Who has time for just one? ;3c Honestly, I care more about the characters and how the relationship – any relationship – between them changes them than I do about ~A Ship~ as a solid, bounded noun-object. I’ve got characters I like more and less and feelings about who does and doesn’t have chemistry in which directions with whom, but finding anything that agrees with those preferences is hard, harder when you take alloromanticism into account. I’ll play in any sandbox with cool toys, especially if other folks have already built sick sandcastles there.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

[kicks every single unfinished fic further under the bed] What nooo no WIPs here, everything on my account is either finished or does not exist

I’ve got a couple extra chapters of Sweeter Than floating around unposted, but 1. that fic’s a mess 2. high school Twixt and post-college Twixt are different people and trying to contort myself into three other me-shapes just cause people Like this fic is not something I’m super interested in 3. it’s headed for an emotional dip and I’d rather leave it where it is than post two chapters, stall out again, and leave folks with a bad end.

As for other fics... it’s looking more and more likely that v7 of my Yellow Brick Road AU will never actually make it out. >w>; I’ve got some really great ideas, but not enough to make me feel like I know what I’m doing, and that’s a big roadblock. Plus trying to engage with RT’s Atlas-Mantle worldbuilding in any serious capacity is... a headache. I can’t recommend the Happy Huntress Cinematic Universe enough, but it leaves some pretty big shoes to follow! And I’ve got small feet. <w<;

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue’s fun, probably as an extension of characterization. I love tearing into what makes people tick, especially against the backdrop of their environment, the story they’re in, and the people they’re up against. Voice is a double-edged sword; I’ve been told my writing is really recognizable and individual, but on the other hand, I’ve been growing frustrated with with the limits of my narrative ability. There’s a strong rhythm I keep when I write (you might notice it here, even) but that leaves me feeling predictable and stale. I’m not sure I’m great at setting as a matter of course, but I’m pretty good at describing setpieces where the need comes up; that comes from my background in poetry, as does the fun I have with sublimating and abstracting complex imagery. And I think I bring some needed nuance to the universal. For good or ill, I don’t do what “everyone else” is doing.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Well, writing, for one thing. If I don’t know how something’s going to go and don’t have the urge to write it, it isn’t getting done, which means there’s a billion things that will never see the page and a few hundred more that are never getting finished. I lose momentum easily and have a hard time getting started, and I put way too much standing on finding a foothold with other people; as critical as I am of my work, I have high expectations for the stuff that passes muster, and it never seems to measure up. I’m also really uncreative. Yeah, I can mix up elements and extrapolate events, but coming up with things wholesale is really hard, which is why I avoid it wherever possible and steal/reskin stuff from other places instead.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Something along the lines of “Hoo boy, I am Not qualified for this but hopefully it’s decent anyway.” Maria’s Spanish lines haven’t been a big deal – I’ve used it sparingly and, as a Latin language, it should be easy for English-speaking audiences to pick up on the gist – but I’ve had a harder time with Tai’s Chinese, both because I have Even Less background there and because it is, of course, an entirely different language system. If I write it out in English or Romanized italics, am I colonizing it or changing the meaning? If I write it out in the presumed-original characters (presumed because it’s Google Translate and who knows if I’m even barking in the right forest), am I confusing or alienating my presumed-majority-English-speaking audience? Where should I put the translations? Should I put the translations? And for Frisk’s sign language, thinking back, are the brackets I used instead of quotes alienating/infantilizing? I like that different characters give the text between a different feel, but I’m not an ASL speaker – and I’m pretty sure the word is “speaker,” which would only reinforce that that demographic would rather I didn’t do that. It’s important for all these characters, I think, that they use non-English language where it makes sense; it’s part of who they are. But as a white monolingual English-speaker, I don’t think I can really weigh in.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Thaaaat’d be Pokémon, followed closely with Sonic the Hedgehog. Whether those fics are still on my ff.net account or not (pretty sure I’ve purged them, but you never know) I’ve still got a couple saved to a folder on my current laptop, ostensibly so I can look back and see how far I’ve come and more practically to allow for the possibility of furthering group cohesion through public shaming.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I still like the idea behind The Man Who Is Atlas, and Burning Bright (Still Awake) gets props for being my current fic, though it’s currently in that spot where I’m excited to get new chapters posted but also quietly marking everything up in red pen. I think Harbinger gets the crown here, at least for now.

[neighbourskid]

2020

What a year, huh? Surely not anything anyone has expected to happen when we woke up on this day a year ago. I certainly haven’t. I’m not even sure, now, where to begin to sum up this year like I’ve done years prior. But then again... I may just as well just dive right into all the media I consumed this year, as I have done every year. I haven’t kept track as detailed as I have last year, but my year was definitely punctuated by pieces of entertainment that have come into my life.

Continuing on from 2019, my obsession with Good Omens was still going strong. Which was ideal, since I was gonna spend the first half of the year writing my Bachelor thesis on it. The intensity of the obsession may have waned a bit since, but I still love that show and book dearly and hold it close to my heart, and I don’t think that will ever stop. But while Good Omens was certainly an overall theme throughout my year, there were some other things that actually stood out.

With January came new episodes of Doctor Who, and having returned to that particular bandwagon the year prior, I was all about that. Jodie’s second season finally brought what I had longed for in her first--a darker kind of Doctor. She wasn’t quite as bubbly anymore, you could finally see some of the depths in the character that I loved so in the previous regenerations, which made me love Peter’s Doctor so incredibly much. In this season, I felt, Jodie was finally becoming the Doctor. Overall, that season catered to me personally every single episode. So many of the time periods they visited were of people I loved, and the introduction of Sacha Dhawan as the Master was absolutely....well, masterful. Sacha is brilliant in that role and I am utterly stunned by his talent. Although both John Simm and Michelle Gomez brought things to the Master that I liked, it’s Sacha’s completely unhinged take on it that made me finally like the character. He’s a madman and I love it.

The next major thing was The Good Place. I tend to have a talent of getting into shows just as they either ended their entire show, or the final season is just coming up. It’s happened quite a bit, and it was the same with this. I finally binged the show early in January and it would end its final season at the end of the month. True to form, I was completely obsessed with it for about a month, before I only occasionally thought about it again. But, thinking back now, I get this incredibly fond feeling for this show, and I remember that the finale absolutely wrecked me and I basically ugly sobbed through the entirety of it. Also very true to form, actually. I want to rewatch it again some time, but honestly preferably with someone who has never seen it before. Which, obviously, is a difficult thing to do given, well, everything.

Next up is something that surprised me a lot. In the middle of having to write my BA thesis, my procrastination thought it would be a great idea to rewatch and catch up on the entirety of Criminal Minds. And so I binged 15 seasons of that instead of writing my thesis. Which, coincidentally, had also just aired its final season not long before I started my binge in March. Rewatching this, I realised just how little I took in of the actual, like, stuff in the show when I first watched it as a teen. Although I mostly cared about the characters and their found family this time around--although I do find the cases really fascinating most of the time too--I noticed just how much I am not watching this for the fact that they are in the FBI. I was hyperaware of how often they shot at people before doing anything else, how many of the suspects died before ever being questioned or being brought in, and it made my skin crawl. I am aware how fucked up the criminal justice system is, and especially in the US, how the police functions and how incredibly glorified they are in the media. But rewatching this show, I realised how little I actually paid attention to anything when I was younger. Big yikes. Still, I remembered my love for these characters, and I really enjoyed that rewatch a whole lot. Found family will always get to me.

Once I finished writing my thesis and handed it in early in July, I then found my next momentary obsession: Community. The show had finally come to Netflix earlier in the year and a friend of mine had watched it then. I remember watching that pilot episode back then and being completely uninterested in watching it. The comedy felt like it wasn’t quite up my street, the characters were entirely unlikeable, and I especially disliked Jeff who the show was more or less centred around. I binged Criminal Minds instead, but then decided to give it another try. And, well, I watched it twice through without taking a break to watch something else in-between. Ironically, and maybe actually unsurprisingly, Jeff ended up being my favourite and I found myself relating a lot to him and his arc throughout the series. I even found myself writing some short ficlet-like things in the notes app on my phone. I made an attempt at starting a third watch, but I guess then the month was up, and my brain decided it was time for something else. My hyperfixations usually tend to die out after about a month. Which is why my complete devotion to Good Omens was a pleasant surprise. I did, however, end up watching quite a bit of Joel McHale and Ken Jeong’s The Darkest Timeline podcast throughout August. 

Early in September, while already preparing for the new term at uni, and my first semester in my Master’s studies, I then turned to New Girl. Friends of mine had seen it and recommended it, and I remember watching probably the entire first season on TV while I was in San Diego the first time around back in 2016. Or at least I think it was the entire first season. Either way, I binged that whole thing, realised through Nick Miller that the go-to character I am drawn to and tend to project on in any piece of media is usually what I like to call “the garbage man,” which Nick is a prime example of. And although I spent a month watching the show in-between starting university again and volunteering at a film festival, I didn’t spend much time afterward thinking about it and moved on to other things rather quickly. I enjoyed watching it, that much I remember, and I’m pretty sure I cried at the finale because it was done wonderfully, but seeing as another month was up, my brain was probably like “okay fine that’s enough”.

I then spent most of fall and early winter watching every single bad Christmas movie available on Netflix, which was quite fun. In that moment of festivity, I also watched a movie I found absolutely brilliant and fell in love with immediately. It’s a beautiful movie called Jingle Jangle, it has a magnificent soundtrack and is absolutely incredible. I had no idea Forest Whitaker could sing and he completely blew me away. If you haven’t seen it already, I highly recommend it. It doesn’t matter that Christmas is already over, it’s beautiful either way.

By the time December finally rolled around, I was already over the whole Christmas thing, to be honest and I turned away from festive movies or shows, and eventually ended up finally picking up a gem I had heard much about and had been meaning to watch for a while. A show which, as it were, also aired its final season earlier this year. This little show is Schitt’s Creek. I will be going on about what this show means to me probably in another post at length, but for now just let me say: if you haven’t seen it, find some place to watch it, and put this beautiful show in your eyeballs. I am on my second run through already (although I’ve seen the second half of the show a second time already while watching it with a friend on their first run through), and it brings me so much fucking joy. It’s a gift, this show. And it will likely stay with me for a very, very long time.

That’s about it for the big things. I also watched a whole lot of other stuff, including entirely new things, or just newly released seasons of things I was already watching. Here’s what I can remember off the top of my head:

Charlie’s Angels (2020). The Night Manager. The Witcher. Dolittle (2020). The Librarians (rewatch). Harley Quinn (2020). Sonic the Hedgehog (2020). The Chef Show (S1 part 3, S2 part 1). Avenue 5. Money Heist (part 4). The Good Fight (S4). Brooklyn Nine-Nine (S7). DuckTales (2017 reboot). Frankenstein live. Staged (2020). Hamilton. Sense8. Julie and the Phantoms. The Boys in the Band. One Night in Miami. Enola Holmes. Supernova. His Dark Materials (S2). Happiest Season. The Great Canadian Baking Show.

I also got some reading done in-between what I had to read for my thesis in spring, and then for regular university courses in fall. Here’s some of what I can remember:

Anthony Horowitz, The House of Silk. Ramona Meisel, Sunblind. Donna Tartt, The Secret History. Good Omens novel and script book. Matt Forbeck, Leverage: The Con Job. Keith R.A. Decandido, Leverage: The Zoo Job. Greg Cox, Leverage: The Bestseller Job. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Lost Lamp. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Mother Goose Chase. Greg Cox, The Librarians and the Pot of Gold. Neil Gaiman, Marvel 1602. Christina Henry, The Lost Boy. Neil Gaiman, Norse Mythology. John Green, An Abundance of Katherines. Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Aurora Leigh. Maria Konnikova, The Confidence Game. 

Having mulled over all this entertainment I consumed in 2020, there are also some non-tv or book things I need to point out. As many, many other people around the globe, I have also spent a large amount of time this year on my Nintendo Switch, playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. It is a game I have waited for since the Switch was first announced, and I fell in love with it from the moment the first trailer dropped. It has brought me great joy in this weird fucking year, and I have more or less consistently played it since it came out in March. I ended this year with the in-game New Year’s Eve celebration and I feel like that summed up this year quite neatly and appropriately.

This year also brought with it another game very close to my heart: Super Mario Sunshine. With their release of Super Mario 3D All-Stars in September, Nintendo finally brought my all-time favourite Mario game to my all-time favourite console, and I played the entire game through in the first week of owning it, in-between university courses and volunteering at the film festival. Also contained in that package was Super Mario Galaxy which I have also played through in its entirety since. All that’s left for me now is Super Mario 64, which I am excited to play through in the coming year.

And to round off my year of entertainment, there are two more things I would like to mention. First, David Tennant Does A Podcast With..., which released its second season this summer. It is one of the only, if not the only podcast I keep up to date with and listen to immediately whenever a new episode drops. I’ve loved the first season dearly, and David came back with some incredibly fantastic guests for the second season as well. I can’t wait for what the podcast will bring in the future, but I will wait patiently until it is time. I can highly recommend it for everyone who likes interesting conversations between lovely people who clearly adore each other a whole lot.

And finally, while this year brought a whole lot of bullshit with it, it also gave me something I never thought possible and did not even dare to imagine in my wildest dreams. My all-time favourite show announced that it would be rebooted with the same main cast (minus one), a new wonderful member, and involvement of the original creators, and even started filming already in summer. Leverage is coming back. I still cannot believe it. I hoped for a movie, always. That maybe one day, they might bring the gang back together, for one last job, just one more encore. But to get a whole new tv-show with Aldis, Christian, Gina and Beth returning? With the addition of Noah Wyle? I can’t wrap my head around it. I am so excited for this. I predict that I will ugly sob through the entirety of the pilot episode, if not the first season, and will have to rewatch every episode because of it, but I have no doubt that it will be brilliant and wonderful.

True to form, I have now gone on about tv shows and movies for far too long, and haven’t really said anything about this year at all. 2020 was fucking weird. And I don’t think 2021 will be much different quite yet. I wrote an entire BA thesis in 2020. I successfully finished by Bachelor’s degree and started my Master’s studies and even got some excellent first grades in as well. I was lucky enough to be able to see some friends and family throughout the year, and even celebrate my birthday with a small circle of friends. I’ve become closer with friends, shared experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world, and, I think, maybe also grown a bit as a person.

I started this year excited to finally be able to start taking testosterone in February, and to finish the first part of my studies by summer. Although I did both of these things, they didn’t happen quite how I imagined them, but I am glad that I could do these things nevertheless.

2020 was a hell year, for sure. But there were some moments in there that I wouldn’t want to lose.

I’ve tried very hard to not be optimistic about this upcoming year, and rather take a more realistic, even pessimistic approach. But I can’t help but be hopeful. Hopeful that this year will be kind to us, and if it isn’t, that at least, we’ll be kind to ourselves and each other. It won’t be easy, and not much will change, I think. But we have to approach the coming time with kindness and compassion. That’s where I’m at currently. And I think that’s all for now.

Be well, friends, and take care.

[creepygamerpasta]

Hello! A conversation with my mother the other day inspired me to write this post on some guidance for when your hobbies are not liked and may be actively disliked by someone you are close to. This post is for everyone <3

My mother hates video games.

(Okay, technically there are a few she finds entertaining to watch someone else play, but it’s a reaaalllly short list. She hates playing games herself. Even mobile games.)

I, however, inherited my father’s love for video games (more than him, I might even say) and absolutely LOVE all the parts that go into them. Everything from writing to coding and character design, tropes and gameplay itself… *chef’s kiss* I’m in no way an expert in any of these things, but I love hearing, reading, and otherwise experiencing all of it.

As you can probably tell, this strong Interest of mine could never make it on the list of The Interests for my mother, not even if we could make a top 1000 list for her. Hell, we could probably make a top million list, and video games would still be absent from it.

First thing to keep in mind (always keep this in mind): just because they don’t like the Thing, does not mean they hate you. People have different interests. I know, I know, it’s really hard because… how could someone I know and care about not like this Amazing Thing? But I promise that they don’t hate you just because they don’t like the Thing. They probably have their own Thing they like, and you might not even like it. But that’s okay.

Now, most people would probably tell you to avoid what the other person dislikes and stick to Things that both parties enjoy. This isn’t bad advice. My mother taught me how to crochet, and even though I’m most certainly a novice, she enjoys seeing what I make, and I enjoy making stuff. That’s an example of a Thing we both like and can talk about/interact over. We both like writing (she is able to actually do it way more than I am though haha), and we’ve been trying to look into submitting short children’s stories and poems for a magazine. Yet another Thing we can do together.

But sometimes, you just have to talk about or show the Thing. I get it.

Try to figure out exactly what they don’t like about the Thing.

I’ve found the best way to do this is to be direct. Go ahead and ask them point blank what they don’t like or why they don’t like your Thing. It’s a lot easier and faster that way. They may not give you a good answer at first (“because it’s stupid!”), but if you keep pursuing it, you’ll get a more informative answer. If they seem to get more distressed, saying things like, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “I just don’t, okay?!” then, it’s probably time to back off. Sometimes people don’t like the Thing for a specific reason that is a really serious reason, and if that’s the case, you should back off.

This is a very non-serious version of why someone may not like your Thing, but let’s say that you loved baking lemon cake and always wanted to share with a friend. The last time they ate lemon cake, however, they threw up really badly and haven’t been able to have it since. This doesn’t mean that your lemon cake is bad, but they just can’t have lemon cake. It’s better to just not give them lemon cake.

Here’s an example of figuring out what someone doesn’t like about the Thing you like:

It could be as simple as this (TW SPIDERS): my mother thinks tarantulas are cute and adorable. She thinks they have the most beautiful blue eyes and are wonderful, shy little creatures (except the deadly ones of course, stay away from those). She would tell me about how she and her brother would let them run over their legs as children because they were numerous where they lived. Me? Hell to the eff NO. The only spiders I like are African Jumping spiders (think Lucas the Spider if you’ve seen those videos) which are tiny, harmless, and, most importantly, stay away from me. I’m not arachnophobic per se, but I do not like random spider pictures coming up on my dash on any platform, and if I saw a tarantula in real life, I would put as much distance between it and me. Even the ones in Animal Crossing freak me out because yes, spiders really are fast, and I don’t like that.

So clearly I don’t like seeing spiders. How could we ever bond over this? Now, when it comes to something that could be a phobia, yeah, you should avoid it if someone has asked you not to talk about it (my partner has actual arachnophobia, so we don’t talk about spiders unless I forget and have to be reminded). But you know what doesn’t freak me out? Sharing facts about spiders. My mom and I can fact share all about different animals, including spiders, and I won’t get freaked out. My issue with her Thing is the idea of seeing one or feeling one, but I can talk about them.

For the Thing in question (video games), my mom doesn’t like the pointlessness of them (gasp). She doesn’t like when you have to do a mindless task, and she doesn’t like it when video games eat up your time when you’re supposed to be doing stuff you promised you’d do or spend time with family, etc. I know exactly why she feels this way (let’s just say that when my father hyperfixates especially on video games, it gets really extreme and really detrimental).

After you figure out what they don’t like about your Thing, figure out what they may like.

Remember earlier when I said my mother likes writing? Well, that translates to video games! She may have zero interest in gameplay, but she does like funny, story-based or focused games. She could care less about the graphics, background of epic plots, or why it’s so cool that this particular Voice Actor is voicing this character, but she loves the “stupid” funny games because of their writing.

I do watch Markiplier videos in her presence (she likes his voice and narration skills - apparently, he reminds her of my brother?), and sometimes, she pays attention to them. Cue West of Loathing and Manual Samuel. Two games that have a lot to offer but are probably not considered “serious” games (I don’t like the idea of a serious vs. casual gamer or video games btw), and they are meant to be funny. She howled with laughter and would actually ask me to rewind parts she missed of the video.

My mind was blown. But… but she hates video games? But not all parts of video games.

So okay, she likes goofy games with funny writing. Seems like this could work. While she will be lost during most of my chatter about video games, she does like watching the games with me that are funny, so there’s a shared activity we can do.

And finally, empathy for the other person AND yourself.

I don’t mean to imply that you don’t have empathy. If you’ve read this far, it’s probably because you don’t want to hurt people or you want to understand why people don’t like your Thing.

Having empathy does not mean forcing yourself to like their Thing, and it doesn’t mean hating your own Thing. All it means is understanding that they do not like your Thing (or that you don’t like theirs) and that that is okay. If you’re ever unsure about if they are up to hearing or participating in your Thing, go ahead and ask! Here’s something you can try saying:

“Hey, do you mind if I talk to you about (Thing) for a bit?”

“Do you want to do (Thing) with me?”

My dear mother never revealed that she hates video games to me until I was older (at least middle school). She knew that I loved them, and that she would never feel the same way about them, but she didn’t want to crush my little dreams when I was a small child. I’ll forever be thankful, but if you really, really don’t like the Thing of another person, it’s better in the long run to let them know. I felt awful when I found out that all those years I had been talking about a Thing that she had zero interest in and actually disliked. As I’ve explained already in this post, we’ve since come to common likes within the Thing, but still.

But what I do admire about her in this case is the fact that she knows she will never love my Thing the way I live my Thing. She knows that she has zero interest and actually has animosity, but she isn’t a d!ck about it. And that’s what’s important.

And what’s also important is that I explain nicely and focus on the parts she likes when talking about video games.

And if you don’t want to hear about or do their Thing, here are some gentle but clear ways you can decline:

“I’m busy right now, but I would love to hear about (their Thing) later.” - only use this one if you actually do want to hear about it later!

“I’m not a huge fan of (specific part of Thing), but if you wanted to talk about (different part of Thing that you don’t mind/other Thing they really like), I’d love to hear all about it.”

And sometimes, you just really can not listen to the Thing ever because of serious reasons:

“I know you really like (Thing), but I really can’t stand it. I would still love to talk to you, but can we talk about (a different Thing they like/shared Thing)?”

“(Thing) really bothers me. I can’t talk about it, but why don’t we do (other Thing)?”

The important parts are to acknowledge that the other person loves Thing, even if you don’t. And they should treat your Thing with respect, too! They don’t have to like it, but they don’t have to slam it.

If you’re ever unsure of how to treat their Thing, go ahead and ask. This is a case where being clear and direct is definitely the best course of action!

And like I said at the very beginning, just because they don’t like your Thing does not mean they don’t like you.

[sadeyes-stardust]

one am thoughts

So hello im back again at tumblr just because i believe this is a happy place for letting out what i truly wanted to tell the world at this very moment; since this is a place for everyone like me - sad, alone, depressed, anxious but wanted not anybody know about it.

Idk what im feeling rn but today was one stressful day at work. I was overwhelmed by the spontaneous occurence of problems, problems, problems. BUT i have to be strong. I have to face these problems and make solutions. So i just whined and whined to almost crying but i smiled and slept and back at it again. I got stressed by the venue for rehearsals, plus the request for OR and so many other things. Moreover, i was alone left in the office to address all my boss’s concerns and requests and to follow up everything in the office. My workmates are either sick or had a quite rest after a long christmas vacation. From there i thought to myself to be strong enough to become reliable despite how young i am, how others doubt my capabilities. And, here i am at 1am still breathing because I MADE IT.

Isnt it funny to have ended this post a little bit positive when i intended to write a very empty text this wee of hours? Hehehe.

Well, maybe because i still got a little hope in me. Thanks to the people i fangirl on because they somehow relieved my tiring day. Even in these small things, i got to smile and feel again. Thats why im thankful to the people who understood this kind of attitude of mine. My hyperfixations to series, movies, books and etc. is my way of escaping from reality.

It is a productive day for me, still. I got to finish my tasks and had courage enough to face many of my problems today. Although i wanted to cry, i just cant in front of my friends at the dining. I am happy they got to understand me since i can feel that. Thus, i must put effort and time on these people. Never to waste my energy on insisting to other people.

Thats it for today. I gotta sleep and be early tomorrow for work. Bye, felicia!👋