#a lot of my brothers frugalness i think is just them trying to pay down their mortgage as fast as possible

[blackmoldmp3]

my oldest brothers reaction to childhood poverty has been like. hoarding free shit you find on the side of the road and getting generic versions of everything. 2nd hand clothes for their two kids on a combined salary of over 200k. meanwhile me and our middle brother both have significant impulse control issues and are irresponsible spenders <3

[ijustwant2write]

Runaway-Finn Shelby x Reader

(GIF credit to @dialnfornoir​)

Masterlist

Summary: On her brisk walk home, (Y/N) witnesses a brutal Peaky Blinder attack, attempting to run away when Finn Shelby comes after her, only to sweep her off her feet.

Characters: Finn Shelby x Reader

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name 

(Y/L/N)=Your last name

Warnings: Violence, fighting, blood, fluff

                                      *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Come on (Y/N), not even one drink? We won't even make you stay, just the one!" my friend moaned as I denied their proposal of going to the Garrison.

"You said that last time, and I ended up staying until early hours." I laughed.

They all put their hands together as they started begging. I also laughed at this, embarrassed by the attention that was suddenly on us.

"No, seriously. I have to be good with money this month. Thanks to you lot, I'm having to be frugal for the rent."

They sighed."Fine, we won't make you come. But you will be missed. Just get home safe, OK?"

"I will. You too, please don't get too drunk and end up sleeping outside."

"That was one time!"

I shook my head as we giggled, waving goodbye when I turned to walk home. We had just finished work, so it was still relatively light out; I would say it was less dangerous to walk alone, but we did live in Small Heath. Yawning after the long, boring shift, I adjusted my coat around me, trying to keep warm. All I wanted was a good dinner, get cleaned up and snuggle into bed, maybe read a few chapters of the book I had if my eyelids could stay open. I was only in my early twenties and already feeling like an old woman.

Home wasn't far, a good twenty minute walk, which could be a bad thing if it was raining, a lovely stroll if not. I lived in the better part of Small Heath (if there even was one), walking home from work had never been an issue. Until I heard the unfamiliar sounds of desperate begging and crying, as well as thumps and slaps of skin of skin contact. My eyes widened, heart beat accelerating when I realised someone was begging for their life. There was no other way home for me, I had to take this route. What I should have done was turn around to join my friends for that drink, but the natural human tendency to be curious took over. As I cautiously continued my way home, I couldn't help but glance down the alleyway behind a row of houses, spotting four young boys surrounding an older man, who looked like he was being beaten to a pulp by one of them. I froze, having never seen a brawl like this up close. It was as if I were delayed, somehow taking ages to register that I had to leave before they spotted me.

Unfortunately one of their heads snapped up to look at me, tapping his friends on the shoulder, pointing at me as he shouted for them to stop. My legs still wouldn't move, staring at the man who's face was soaked red with his own blood. It wasn't until one of the young men started approaching me that I sprinted away, suddenly terrified about what could happen to me.

I cursed myself for being such a bad runner, as well as the shoes I was wearing. My lungs were working incredibly hard, my throat drying up whilst my mind panicked as it tried to remember which way was home. I let out a scream as the boy grabbed me, crying out in pain when they pushed me against the brick wall. Attempting to scramble out of their hold was useless, they were pushing their whole weight on me, I had no escape.

"(Y/N)?" he said my name.

My eyes widened, realising who had a hold of me. It was Finn Shelby.

"(Y/N) (Y/L/N)? We went to school together. You might not remember me, but we definitely did."

"Of course I remember you! You're Finn fucking Shelby.”

"Oh right."

"Please don't hurt me."

He looked confused."Hurt you? Why would I do that?"

"Well, you're currently pinning me against a wall, and I'm finding it a bit hard to breathe if I'm honest."

He glanced down, quickly pushing himself away from me. I tried to hide getting my breath back, letting out a quick cough. It seemed he wasn't going to hurt me, and he wasn't being sadistic about that phrase either.

"I'm sorry. You alright?"

I slowly nodded, still wanting to be on the safe side.

"I remember you from school. Obviously changed a lot, though I have seen you from time to time."

"Right."

"Look, uh, what you saw back there, I need you to forget it."

"Finn," I was scared to say his name but I did anyway,"you almost killed him."

"You know I'm a Peaky Blinder, right?"

"How could I not? And are you trying to justify what you did?"

"(Y/N), he ran a brothel using children."

"Oh."

"I mean, you couldn't have known that, so I can see how that looks from a different perspective."

"Well, I totally agree with your actions then."

"I still need you to keep quiet about the whole thing."

"Um, of course."

"Where were you headed?"

This was the longest conversation I had ever had with Finn, with a Peaky Blinder. I briefly remember him as a child, you never do have specific memories at such a young age, though I probably played with him during break time.

"Home."

"Let me walk you."

"No, honestly it's fine, it's not far."

"I insist. Part of my apology for scaring you earlier."

"Part of your apology?"

"Yeah, I'm taking you out for drinks tomorrow."

I started thinking I might have been in a dream."Sorry?"

"Do you always act this surprised at what people say? A catch up drink."

"That's alright, really, if you're trying to make it up to me-"

"Come on, just one?"

It was like deja vu.

"If you're busy tomorrow, we can always go tonight. Yeah, you know what? Let's do that instead!"

"No, Finn, really I'm fine."

"I won't take no. Please, it'll be nice, I promise all I'm asking for is a drink."

I felt obligated to go, still in a bit of shock from what happened. But my friends were at the Garrison, if they saw me with Finn they would think I was ditching them, and what would it look like for me to be walking in with a Shelby?! However, I felt bad when I saw how happy Finn was; and even if he tried anything later I would undoubtedly slap him, I wasn't afraid of that (I tried to convince myself). When I agreed, his smile grew even bigger, instantly heading towards the pub.

I was trying to focus on what he was babbling on about, only my mind was preoccupied with the dreaded stares of my friends. That was one fo the worst things you could do as a girl, ditch your friends for a boy. Then there would be questions about how I met him, why didn't I tell them, why didn't I bring him along to drinks etc. I'd look like any other desperate girl that tried to cling onto the arm of any Shelby, desperate for a taste of the dangerous, gangsta life, even if it was just for one night.

As we walked in, I felt sick, immediately spotting my friends on their usual table they always tried to grab. They hadn't seen me yet, so I attempted to hide behind Finn, keeping my head down as we stood at the bar.

Finn was served first before anyone else."Whiskey Harry, and you?"

"Um, wine please."

"Just put them through the window, yeah?"

I was confused when we walked to the private room, it felt like I was trespassing. Though this gave me a good hiding place from my friends, chancing to glance back at them before disappearing. They still hadn't seen me.

Finn casually sat down, looking relaxed. I stood, not sure whether to join him, which was a stupid thing to think when he had invited me.

"Are you going to stand there the whole time?" he chuckled.

I said nothing as I sat down opposite him, not wanting to become trapped in the booth with him. I still wasn't sure what to say once seated, hating that this could become awkward at any second.

"Are you OK? You seem a bit shaken up still." he asked.

"I'm fine." I squeaked out, knowing he could see right through me.

"You're all nervous, what's wrong?" he smirked.

I sighed."My friends are out there."

"Oh, well go tell them to join us."

"No!" I snapped too quickly."Look, I said no to drinks earlier, hence why I was on my way home, and I was scared what they would think or feel if they saw me waltz in with you."

"Don't want to be seen with a Blinder?"

"No, just didn't want them to think I chose a boy over my friends."

He gave me a pointed look.

"And I guess it would seem strange if I suddenly walked back in with a Blinder."

"Why did you say no in the first place?"

"Because money is tight. That was another reason I was hesitant to come, honest."

"You're not paying (Y/N)."

"Oh, Finn-"

"No, because I literally get this stuff for free." the small window into the room opened."Speaking of."

He reached over and grabbed our drinks, handing mine to me before clinking the glasses together. Unlike Finn, who threw the whole drink back, I sipped on my wine, and god was it good. He slammed the glass back down onto the table, letting out a satisfied breath.

"So what have you been up to since school?"

"Well, I've got a job at this clothes shop, you might have passed it but we only deal with women’s clothing, so I doubt you’ve been in. Uh, I actually started there as a shop assistant after I left school, you know, running errands and doing the little things no one else wanted to do. Then they started giving me proper jobs, I’m also a book keeper now and-” I glanced at Finn, realising that I was rambling,“-sorry, I’m talking too much.”

“No, no you’re not.” he chuckled, waving a hand in the air.

“Long story short, I work in a clothes shop. What about you?”

I closed my eyes as soon as I finished my sentence, wincing at my stupidity.

“I didn’t mean, I wasn’t trying to be smart or pry, obviously I know...no I don’t know...”

“You’re cute when you stumble over your words.”

I wasn’t expecting that.“E-excuse me?”

Before things could get any more awkward, the door opened, making us both jump. I felt my heart drop down into the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was, and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me; his brothers were here.

“What the fuck are you doing in here Finn boy?”Arthur asked (if you didn’t know all their names, you had to be incredibly simple).

“Failing to get another bird in your bed?” John smirked.

“Shut up John.” Finn spat.“This is (Y/N), she’s an old friend from school.”

They filtered in. John scoffed.“Surprised you remember anything about school. Have you asked him what five pus five is?”

John and Arthur laughed as they sat down opposite us, Thomas standing besides the window for the drinks. I clasped my hands together as they started to shake out of nerves. I was in a room with the Shelby brothers, the men who ran one of the most feared gangs in England, and I had no clue what to do with myself. 

“Um, I think I should go.” I pathetically mumbled out.

“Don’t be rude Finn,” Thomas said,“show the lovely, young lady out.”

Finn was glaring at his brothers as we stood. I slowed down my steps so I didn’t appear to be running away from them. Finn opened the door for me, and I felt weightless as soon as I stepped out of that room. He followed me out, running a hand down his face.

“I’m sorry about them. They’re just being their usual stupid selves.” he apologised.

“It’s alright, really. Don’t tell them they bothered me or anything because they really didn’t.”

“You don’t have to worry. They won’t do anything to you because we had a drink together.”

“Sorry, just not used to...”

“Meeting a gangster?”

I hummed in agreement.“Yeah.”

“Look, I definitely need to go back in there. But I liked this. Apart from how we bumped into each other.”

“Yes, that could have been different.”

“I would like to do this again though.”

“You would?”

“There you go again, acting all surprised. How about this weekend?”

“I-I’m free this weekend.”

“Great. I’ll pick you up at six on Saturday.” he smiled at me, turning to go back into the private room before calling the bartender.“Oh, Harry, another wine for my friend.”

He winked at me, then disappeared into the room. I heard heckling and teasing from his brothers. I could feel that my cheeks were heating up from blushing, though I also couldn’t help but smile. Thanking the bartender for the wine, I quickly took it, freezing when I saw my friends staring at me. Sighing, I took a big gulp of the drink before making my way towards them. This was going to be a longer night than I thought.

[switch19d]

go off i guess...

So. 19 days AU fic. Inspired by that chapter where he tian does a private show for his lil mo.

It’s daunting. This is a disaster so read at your own risk.

Let’s put down what is on my mind as of now.

Stripper he tian. Get that out of the way.

Rich mo guanshan. Head Chef. worked his ass off to get into the position. Still traumatic about his struggles in poverty. Frugal as fuck.

Xixi is his friend from middle school. Jian yi returned in time for high school, and the three hung out together, often.

Xixi knows a lot about guanshan. Helped him a lot too. Loyal friends. Mo guanshan finds Jian yi annoying, but also misses him often.

He tian, son of rich CEO. Secluded his whole life. No friends to speak of. Homeschooled.

Loved he cheng to death.

Lost his mother as in canon. Knows his father heads the mafia on the side. He’s grown to hate it since his mother’s death. He tian meets a half brother of his after his mother’s death, and they hit it off. Same age, same interests. His stepmother loved them both. The best few months in he tian’s life after his mother’s death.

Until his step mother tries to take both him and his step sibling away in secret. He Tian has mixed feelings about this as he loved wanted cheng too, and his father was emotionally manipulating him. But with a traumatic event, he was reclaimed by his father. He tian learns to be indifferent with his feelings. He’s always wanted to be loved, but all the loved ones in his life had been taken away one after another. Any maid who got he tian attached to them ditched soon after.

Let’s just focus all the trauma on he tian, shall we? He's my favourite so i will rough house him before i let mo embrace him.

Ran away as soon as his father went overseas. His brother knows about the stripper job, keeps a close detached eye, and has given him free reign. An apartment, cash and a number to fall back onto if he runs into trouble. He tian hates his guts and never uses the luxuries given.

Makes friends in the club. Or tries to. Is an asshole who knows nothing about personal space, to read a room, or read a person. Soon learns a lot on the job.

He usurped she li’s spot as top dog in the club.

They’re rivals.

He’s afraid of love. Flirts a lot, intimidating and bold, but hides behind his mask of cool objectivity that comes with the job.

He’s the pride of the club. Cheng makes sure he never gets a client who’s able to pay to upgrade to a bedroom transaction. Any who touch, is eliminated. He tian himself always limits his activities to personal lap dances.

Okay i’m delving into details too soon and too fast.

THE OUTLINE YOU MORON. GIVE THE OUTLINE FIRST.

Rich chef falls hard for the stripper in the club.

That’s the story. That’s all there is to it.

Also he tian learns to love. Sorts out his abandonment issues.

Rich man mo learns to let go of his insecurities. And to be generous.??? He’s always been generous shit it sounds like i’m trying to turn mo into a bad person. Yeah nonononono, he’s always been generous, enough to give his last penny to a man on the road. It should be more like, doesn’t ever enjoy himself. So yeah, he learns to enjoy life, learns that if he receives something in life without him pouring his blood and sweat into it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve it.

THING IS! PINING MOMO. PINING YOU HEAR ME? HE’S THE ONE PINING HERE AFTER SEXY DAUNTING STRIPPER HE TIAN. AND HE TIAN, FOR ALL HIS FLIRTING, THE TAUNTING, IS ACTUALLY VERY CAUTIOUS, AND CLOSED OFF AND REALLY REALLY MAKES MO WORK FOR IT.

That’s my little revenge on momo for keeping my baby boy waiting in canon for yearsssssss. I love you momo but i want to do this so bad.

Hm…. do i include she li????? Shit. i think i already mentioned him. this is a mess 😭

Edits another part of this drabble anyway 🤡

[dizzydancingdreamer]

Going To Disney With The Avengers Gang™ | Planning The Trip

Part One of my "Going To Disney With The Avengers Gang™" headcanon series

Includes: (The Whole Gang) Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff, Vision, Sam Wilson, Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, Thor Odinson, Loki Laufeyson

Word Count: 3.9k

Relationships: The Avengers x F!Reader, Ambiguous; just how we like it ;)

Going To Disney With The Avengers Gang™ Master List

→The whole idea starts when the team is lounging at the compound doing regular™ team things

→A.K.A Wanda, y/n, Pietro, and Vision are in a pile on one of the couches cuddling, Clint and Nat are across the room playing pool, Bucky is making ramen in the kitchen, Steve is trying to convince Bucky to add an egg or something for more protein, Bruce and Stephen are talking neuroscience and bickering over techniques of spinal fluid something, Thor and Loki are fighting over the remote before Loki finally rolls his eyes and picks up the book y/n had left on the coffee table, Sam is asleep on the floor, and Tony is just tired

→In the madness though he picks up on the conversation happening between the four people on the couch

→“You’ve never been to Disney World?”

→Three rounds of “no” “nope” “I’ve only had a body for a year, y/n. When would I have gone to Disney World?”

→”Okay, yeah, good point, Vis. But y’all would love it. I haven’t been since high school but I want to go again so bad. We need a vacation.”

→Tony doesn’t even stick around to hear the rest, he’s already walking away while speaking to FRIDAY, telling her start pulling up the Disney site and analyzing it, disappearing to his lab and using all of his monitors to compare the resorts and try to decide where to stay that everyone would like (and where they would all fit because there’s too many of them)

→It doesn’t take him long to realize they’re going to need large accommodations

→Bruce is the first to notice that he’s gone, sneaking into the lab and scaring the hell out of Tony

→“Whatcha’ doing?”

→“Ah shit-- Bruce! How are you so quiet?”

→And then he points to the seven open listings on the monitors and explains that the team needs a break and that he heard y/n talking about Disney World and that he wants to surprise the team-- Bruce agrees immediately (the man is always in need of relaxation)-- and that’s how the team’s geek squad ends up playing Disney Dad #1 and Disney Dad #2 and planning the most extravagant vacation in less than three hours

→They have it down to a science after the first twenty minutes-- dividing what needs to be done and tackling it individually while bouncing ideas off one another

→“Do you think they want to eat at Beauty and The Beast Castle or Ariel’s Grotto the second night?” “I’m not sure-- book them both.” “Tony we can’t--” “FRIDAY, book them both.” “You got it Mr. Stark.”

→There’s a lot of Bruce wondering if what they’re booking is too expensive and even more of Tony reminding him that he’s a literal billionaire and that he could buy the Disney company if he wanted to-- that still doesn’t stop Bruce from suggesting more frugal methods from time to time-- it only makes Tony want to spend even more money because you need to lighten up, Banner

→The next person who realizes Tony and Bruce are gone is-- surprisingly-- Sam

→Honestly it’s only because he has to pass Tony’s lab on the way back from his room and he sticks his head in to tell them that “Romanoff and Barton ordered pizza if y’all want any… holy crap is that Disney World? Are we going to Dis--”

→Tony literally grabs him by the collar and tells him to hush it, birdman before pulling him into the room and explaining his plans for the second time-- “Yes, we are going to Disney World and I want it to be a surprise.”

→Sam just nods, his eyes on the screen and his brows beginning to push down and-- “Okay but why are you booking dinner at Mickey’s Backyard Barbecue on the same day that you have fast passes for World of Color at Epcot?”

→And Tony and Bruce blink and are just like “What?”

→And Sam is already at the computer, fingers stuttering over the weird ass hoverscreens while pulling up the page which shows that the World of Color has a whole ass dining experience-- Tony and Bruce have no clue that was even a thing-- and suddenly Sam is the one telling them what to plan because, as it turns out, this man loves Disney World and has been upwards of thirteen times and knows it inside and out

→Thank gods for Sam because these two Disney Dads™ were really shooting blindly into the abyss of trip planning without ever having gone to Disney World-- he has to shift around fast passes, dining reservations, water park tickets, and even the family portrait session that Tony demanded Bruce add

→He shows them all the things they don’t even think to plan-- firework shows, dessert parties, literally all of Downtown Disney-- Tony wants to be mad but he’s too busy picking his jaw up off the floor when Sam manages to book them for an After Dark Party in Magic Kingdom

→Bruce gets so excited when Sam tells him that’s a thing that he almost gives the plan away when Natasha comes rushing to see what all the noise is (it’s Banner jumping up and down like a toddler) -- he has to rush to the doorway, make up a lie about him dropping a piece of equipment, and then walk her back to the common area and play a round of pool with her to keep her questions at bay

→It’s all fine because Sam puts the final touches on the plan and has Tony give the order for FRIDAY to book it all and then it’s ready to tell the team

→They sneak back into the common area, it’s nine pm and everyone just looks so worn out

→Stephen is literally half way to snoring, legs curled under him on the love seat, doing that thing people do when they’re falling asleep and their head slumps and then they spring back awake, repeating the process an embarrassing amount of times but nobody’s even paying attention

→Steve and Bucky are talking quietly in the corners about whether or not they should just go to sleep because it’s Thursday and there’s really no point in staying up any longer

→Clint and Thor are sharing a bag of popcorn and half watching John Wick while discussing the inaccuracies of the movie-- “If he had a bow none of this would have happened.” “Or a hammer.” “Yeah, that too.”

→Yeah, they’re exhausted, and it makes the Disney Dads™ and Sam that much more excited to share the news

→Sam’s twiddling his hands behind his back and sharing smiles with Banner who’s trying to keep his excitement at bay and Tony is rolling his eyes but smiling too and for a moment nobody notices their cheshire grins and nervous foot tapping until finally y/n lifts her head from Pietro’s chest-- who complains at the action and lifts his head too-- and lazily asks

→“Tones, what on earth are you smiling about?”

→And the man opens his mouth but before he can even get the words out Bruce and Sam are already jumping up and down again and screaming “We’re going to Disney World!”

→And the room goes dead silent for three beats-- one, two, three-- and it feels like a million seconds and Tony’s face is dropping slowly and he’s ready to be like sike and then she jumps up, literally stepping on Pietro’s stomach, hurtling the back of the couch like a damn track star and rushing the man at full force, flinging herself at him and jumping into his arms and there are tears streaming down her face and she’s screaming

→“Tony you didn’t! Oh my gods you didn’t! You’re lying oh my god no! Are you serious?”

→And he’s nodding but he still can’t get a word in edgewise because she’s still rambling-- “You heard me oh my gods! You heard me and you did it! Tony that’s insane and reckless and oh my god I love you! Are we actually going? This isn’t a trick? Please don’t let this be a trick!”

→And he just laughs and spins her around and tells her that no, this isn’t a trick I’m not the mischief god here and Loki rolls his eyes but he’s also kind of excited despite the frown on his face

→They’re all excited

→Pietro and Wanda and screaming with Sam, slapping each other and just full on freaking out like children, incoherent and happy and raring to just go already

→In turn this wakes Stephen up who hears the madness and jumps up, on edge and ready to literally fight before he realizes what’s going on and calmly sits back down, nodding his head but not speaking because if this literal grown man opens his mouth he knows he’s going to freak out too because holy shit Disney World-- even sorcerers like Disney!

→Steve and Bucky are kind of confused-- they just barely remember Snow White when it came out but Disney World? They made a-- what is it? A theme park? Regardless they’re excited, ready to break the old men lull they’ve fallen into-- Bucky hears y/n ask if Tony booked water park tickets and gets super excited

→Vision is also confused but he sees everyone getting turnt over Disney World and decides that he is also excited-- Wanda momentarily stops being hyped up to ask him if he’s waterproof in which he goes into explicit detail about how yes, he is and he’ll show her if she’d like and she has to slap her hands over his mouth and tell him to hush

→Thor and Clint also turn into children but they’re the run around the room yelling types as opposed to the stand in a circle and scream types-- the gang is apparently just like fifteen children who barely manage to get things done apparently because they’re all hyped as fuck

→Clint sprints over to Nat whose hands are already up, ready to fight the man off because she knows what’s coming, but he’s too fast and too happy and uses all his assassin training to dodge her kick, grabbing her around the waist and spinning her around until she’s giggling and slapping his back

→“Natty we’re going to fucking Disney World!”

→“I know you lug, I heard Stark too. Let me down!”

→He doesn’t-- he just shakes her harder, cheering with the rest of them

→Thor slumps down next to his brother, nudging his shoulder-- “Migardians are strange”-- and Loki nods but pulls out his phone and starts looking up what’s actually at Disney World and-- “Look, brother, our home… wait is that us?”-- and the brothers get sucked into a rabbit hole of the Norwegian pavilion and whatever the hell the Frozen ride is and why their pictures are there

→It takes thirty minutes for everyone to calm down enough for them to actually have a conversation about what on earth Tony and Bruce and Sam did-- it takes another ten minutes after that for Stephen to finally break through the chatter to ask the most important question-- “Guys, seriously. You can ask about the plans after. The main question here is when are we going.”

→And Tony glances at Bruce and shrugs and is like “Tomorrow.”

→And they all erupt again-- y/n and Wanda because they have to pack and Stephen because normal people don’t just up and go on Vacation, you’re supposed to make time and Clint and Pietro because holy shit we’re going to Disney tomorrow!-- but Tony just brushes the worry off and reminds them-- again-- that they’re superheroes and that he’s a billionaire and that they can go on vacation whenever they damn want

→Cue fifteen more minutes of freaking out and y/n tackling Tony and then tackling Bruce and then, finally, tackling Sam who scoops her up and all but tosses her in the air before thanking her profusely for putting the idea in Tony’s brain

→They spend the next few minutes fangirling together-- Sam raves about all the food he’s going to eat-- Mickey bars, corn dogs, pretzels, those huge turkey legs-- and y/n talks about how she wants to get all the autographs she can-- especially Goofy and Pluto-- and then Sam mentions the After Dark Party and, like Bruce, she freaks out

→Finally Wanda has to split them up, grabbing y/n with one hand and hauling her over to the other redhead who’s still being held hostage by the resident archer and grabbing Nat with the other-- when Clint protests she curls her fingers, warning him with a pinch of red magic, and he holds his hands up, backing away slowly but telling Nat she’d better come see him before they leave

→On the way out Steve asks where they’re going and Wanda almost threatens him too until Nat tells him they’re going to pack for tomorrow-- he then turns to Bucky and reiterates the idea to a less than enthusiastic super soldier who tries to argue that I can pack in the morning but Steve just isn’t having it-- it takes five minutes but finally Buck agrees (but only after Steve says Bucky can just throw his stuff in his bag)

→The girls spend the rest of the night giggling and packing, holding up dresses and putting them down, shoving things in each other's bags and dancing to a playlist of oldies from Wanda’s phone-- Nat is the most boring packer but after some threats to get resident archer involved she gets her act together

→Pietro comes in when he’s done and Wanda scoffs at what he has packed but he only shrugs, slumping on y/n’s bed and giving her grabby hands until she rejoins him

→“But Pietro what if I forget something?”

→“You worry too much-- can’t Stange make portals?” He has a point

→What they all pack:

→Tony: Suits and graphic t-shirts. He’s either rolling up to Disney World in a Metallica t-shirt or a full three piece suit there’s no inbetween. He’s really not concerned about packing-- he can just buy whatever he needs there. After a text from y/n though he throws in a few pairs of shorts that he didn't even know he owned and his M.I.T. hoodie. He tops it off with a few gadgets he thinks he might need-- FRIDAY’s chip and some nanotech-- and he’s good to go. Billionaires don’t need to pack.

→Steve: Clothes and toiletries. Boring, basic, forgets swim trunks until he sees Bucky put his swim trunks and nothing else into Steve’s bag. That’s how he remembers most things actually; by looking at what Bucky doesn’t put into the bag. Along the way he suggests what the super soldier might want to pack while adding a few extra of his own just in case. After thinking about it for a few minutes he adds two books-- one for each of them. He also adds some tools-- a screwdriver and some pliers-- in case Bucky’s arm starts acting up. He’s sure Stark will have something but in case he doesn't, those will hold it over.

→Bucky: Swim trunks. And, when Steve begs, he grumbles and adds a few button downs and henleys. He also sneaks in a few knives, burying them in the henleys. He watches Steve pack for him though and leaves it at that-- what’s the point of packing when the super soldier can just do it for him? He’s not stupid-- he’s tired and Steve is fussy. He’ll have what he needs and if he doesn’t then he’ll just make y/n go swimming with him. Then he won’t need anything. Easy peasy.

→Nat: She’s the most level headed packer of the bunch, spare maybe Bruce and Sam. She Packs what she’ll need-- not too much and not too little. If anything she packs too many of Clint’s hoodies (three). Part of that, though, is her knowing that he’s probably going to forget one. She packs her normal toiletries, making sure to add an extra stick of deodorant and a bottle of Wanda’s red nail polish because-- despite the fact that she spends an hour watching Wanda pack her entire room-- she just knows that the woman forgot a bottle of that stuff and that she’ll be upset if her nails look chipped in the pictures. Wanda and y/n make her pack a bikini despite the fact that she has two scars from Bucky still and they threaten to get Clint involved if she tries to refuse-- “I suggest you put that little black number in that bag right now unless you want some aggressive compliments, you hear me woman?” She didn’t have to be told twice.

→Clint: Not as much as he should. Never as much as he should. He packs boxers, a pair of swim trunks, a few regular shirts and shorts (not enough), a couple nice shirts and a pair of jeans, and his toiletries. He’s gone longer with less but-- like-- he doesn’t have to this time? Nat walks into his room as he finishes packing and takes one look at his bag before marching to his closet and adding a hat, a pair of sunglasses, a jacket, a pair of sweatpants, and socks because who the hell doesn’t pack socks when they’re going to be walking around for days, how the hell are you an accomplished assassin Clint?

→Wanda: She literally packs as much as she can-- think the essentials times three and then some, like five different dresses, two leather jackets (even though y/n reminds her that Orlando is hot), her laptop and her ipad, two pairs of headphones. She has a notebook, a sketch book, and a regular book. Six bikinis and a one-piece. Three hats, four pairs of sunglasses, enough panties to last a month, let alone a week. She packs heels, boots, sneakers, flats, and sandals. Two purses and a backpack. Wanda Maximoff is the epitome of team mom-- anything Nat and y/n forget she’ll have it. She also packs a few things that she thinks Pietro will forget-- a few nice outfits for nights out and his main toiletries. Oh-- and sunscreen! Lots and lots of sunscreen!

→Pietro: Well, let's just say that it’s a good thing Wanda thinks to pack some things for Pietro because this man barely remembers his toothbrush let alone his phone charger. He gets the basics-- the bare necessities-- like three t-shirts, a pair of shorts, some (?) boxers, and like seven pairs of shoes because with how fast this man is he’s going to need them badly. He does, however, remember to pack his bathing suit and that’s more than a few people on the team can remember. Poor baby just wants to get there already-- he can just buy whatever he forgets.

→Vision: A very strange assortment of items. He doesn’t need clothes-- he can make whatever he would like appear on his body-- but he does want to feel included so Wanda gives him one of her backpacks and he puts like kind of random items into it. He sees a phone cord and shoves it in and like a hairbrush-- all items someone will need eventually but not him (later will find out that it’s the cord to Sam’s Iphone and will hand it over and have the audacity to say you’re welcome Samuel after doing it).

→Sam: He packs at least four ball caps. Nothing besides that really matters; he just knows how fucked you are if you don’t bring a hat and he’s bringing enough for the people who forget. As much as Bucky gets on his nerves he also packs him one. Besides that he packs normally-- t-shirts, shorts, shoes, socks, boxers-- all regular amounts. He freaks out a little when he can’t find his phone charger but he’ll just buy one when he gets there. He also brings a Polaroid camera and a shit ton of film-- some of his team members have never been and he will be documenting it all.

→Bruce: He’s the most boring packer and that isn’t a bad thing-- it’s the reason he has so many doctorates-- because he’s smart and level headed. He packs the clothes he needs with one extra of everything. He packs his toiletries. He doesn’t pack his whole room and he doesn’t pack nothing at all. He’s perfectly in the middle-- a Disney Dad™! He does, however, forget his swim trunks-- oops.

→Stephen: One backpack with a t-shirt, sweatpants, and swim trunks. That’s it. Why would he pack anything else? The man can open a portal whenever he needs! He’s always one step away from his bedroom! Stephen simply flicks his wrists and can change and rejoin the group in less time than it takes the rest of them to pull shit from their bags and wait for the washroom to free up. It’s actually a genius play.

→Loki: Despite being the most outwardly unenthusiastic he packs almost the exact same way that Wanda does. He’s a nervous packer. His brother laughs but, like, he has a point. Safe is better than sorry. It’s comical that he packs like five sweaters though considering that he can snap his fingers and make the sweater appear. All his clothes are either green or black. He packs at least one all black suit. Thor has to force him to add a red Hawaiian shirt and he scoffs at it and shoves it to the bottom. Definitely packs three pairs of swim trunks because he doesn’t like putting them one while they’re still wet. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to go swimming but he’s still doing it anyway. He also packs the scrunchie y/n gave him to keep his hair out of the way and when Thor tries to say shit about it he pulls a dagger from thin air and just chucks it. After dodging it Thor asks why don’t you just make your clothes appear the same way?

→Thor: Enough but, like, definitely not enough. The normal things but like less. He figures he’s going to be spending most of his time in his bathing suit anyway. Loki tries to remind him that he can’t go shirtless in the parks (he looked it up already) but he doesn't listen. It really is a good thing his brother can make things appear from thin air. He’s the type of guy to be content in a pair of flip flops and an open button down. He does, however, bring one of those dad-esque fanny packs and somehow he makes it look hot.

→Y/n: Literally packs the same as Wanda, if just a tad less. So many clothes that it’s insane. She, however, has the added bonus of her old Mickey ears-- a pink sequined pair that are a little worse from wear but still pretty. She packs a bucket hat to pin collectable pins to. She makes sure to leave extra room in her suitcase for souvenirs. She’s had her eye on the luxury bath salts from the Grand Floridian ever since the Disney Instagram posted them a few months ago and now that she’s going she won’t be leaving without them. She also packs the strapless dress she’s been meaning to wear for months now-- she doesn’t know who’s going to be there to admire it but she’s sure there’s at least one person who will. Besides, Nat’s been telling her to wear it for ages.

[writingforfunsies]

The Demon Brothers: Shopping Headcanons

the demon bros go to the mall together, how bad could it be? 🛍️🛒 they're definitely one of those loud families, y'know? the one that takes up the entire walkway or causes a mess somewhere that blocks the mall traffic😂

Lucifer

Has prepared a list of the things he needs to buy.

He knows what he wants to buy and where to get them and only goes to those stores.

Gives the parent of a loud and crying kid a very judgemental stare.

Usually buys his clothes in high-end boutiques but if he goes to the mall and something catches his eyes from the store window, he's willing to check it.

Will never be seen shopping in sweats. He's one of those people who go to the mall looking like they're going to a fashion show.

Satan asks him if he needs some help with the groceries and Lucifer's pride gets Very Hurt and Offended.

“I can handle it, thank you very much," he huffs. Which he regrets a little later, not that he will ever admit that he maybe needs some help.

Mammon

Begs Lucifer to buy him the newest watch. Lucifer refuses.

Tries to sneak food into the shopping cart when they're shopping for groceries but he's not very subtle about it.

Makes tiktok videos with Asmo in one of the aisles.

He either overspends—buying the most expensive and unnecessary things, blowing up his money like he just got his first paycheck—or he's the most frugal shopper you have ever met. There is no in between.

“Oh, I got some coupons for that.”

“Wait a sec, lemme check my phone, I have an online code for the discount..”

“I wanna use my reward points to pay for this. They ain't expired yet, I think.”

Gets into a fight with another customer at the sale racks and clearance sections.

Negotiates the price with the uncomfortable and annoyed cashier who just wants to finish ringing up his purchases because he is holding up the queue.

Leviathan

Manages to walk through the crowd without brushing shoulders with other people, all while his eyes stays on his phone. It's a talent.

The stroller. Walks really slow.

Doesn't try to sneak in more junk food and snacks anymore, just straight up tells Lucifer before putting his food in the cart and hopes Lucifer is in a giving mood.

Goes with Satan to the bookstore to check out the comic books and manga sections.

The kind of person to check the menu online first because deciding what to buy at the counter of the mall café is Very Stressful.

Goes to the electronics store because he wants to check that new headphones. Doesn't buy anything, orders it online when he gets home.

Goes to the arcade if the mall has one.

“Wait, let me check it online first, maybe we can get it for less the price if we order it through their website.”

Satan

Goes to the pet store just to see the animals.

“Satan disappears again.” “It's fine, he's probably in the bookstore as usual.”

Just quietly slinks off from the group and then joins them again sometime later, holding a bag of new books.

Gets mistaken as a store employee.

Sneaks in food to the grocery cart and actually succeeds. Lucifer only realizes that there are extra groceries in the cart when he's already at the cashier.

Gets asked to record the tiktok videos Mammon and Asmo are doing.

The person that judges you after he glances at your cart and see what kind of groceries you're buying.

Somehow gets out of helping Lucifer with the groceries.

Asmodeus

Goes inside every stores that sells clothes or accessories.

Yes, he will try all of these clothes even though he knows he's not buying most of them. He just likes playing dress up.

Takes selfies in the changing room.

Buys the new products of his favorite cosmetic brand. His palm has shades of pink on it from sampling the lipsticks.

“Sorry, I can't help carry those grocery bags, I'm just too delicate for such brutal hard work😔. I'll leave it all to you, my strong brothers😌.”

Overall is having a great time, even if he's just window shopping. He enjoys shopping for the experience and not just the things he buys.

That one person who holds up the line because he's flirting with the cashier.

Beelzebub

Puts a lot of food in the grocery cart.

“Beel, you can't open it yet, we haven't paid for it— oh shit, okay just— just don't throw away the empty packages and we'll let the cashier scan those later.”

Checks out the sports store because he broke his sport shoes from the last Fangol match.

Offers to wheel another cart so Belphie can sleeps in it while they're grocery shopping.

Refolds the clothes back and reorganizes the products on the shelves. He doesn't like it when they're messy.

Stops at every snack kiosk.

Walks faster when they've finally finished all the shopping and are now heading to the mall food court before going home.

Belphegor

“Can I just wait in the car? Just leave the window open a little and I'll be fine.”

Finds a bench or a seat and just stays there until one the brothers comes and tells him they're moving to the next store.

Will sit on the floor near a wall if he can't find a place to seat.

Insists that he needs more pillows and blankets. Lucifer compromises with him and he only gets the new blanket.

Browses through the toys store to see if there's a plushie he likes.

Sleeps on one of the beds in the furniture store. Sleeps in a grocery cart. Also sleeps standing up in the most inconvenient spot.

Lets out a loud, relieved sigh when they all finally sits down at the mall food court. Complains that his feet is killing him even though he spends 89% of the trip sitting on the mall benches.

[closedafterdark]

Part Timer

Dreamcatcher Minji x Male Reader

6644 words

categories: smut, oral, creampie, employee minji

Read on AFF

Note: Brief mention of Dreamcatcher members from nsfwtwicecatcher’s stories.

Life works in mysterious ways.

Walking into a convenience store can be quite the stimulating experience.

The familiar tune of the doorbell being rung upon entering. The relieving rush of air conditioning. Thousands of plastic packages covered in bright colors ranging from simple descriptions of the item with cutesy cartoon animal characters to promotional shots of the model approving of the product.

It can be hard to navigate the refrigerated section of triangle kimbap with various fillings or the hundreds of bottles of tea in assorted flavors.

From wanting to expand lunch options, picking out the best snack for a quick break from life, or finally finding that specific ramen flavor that brought back fond memories, convenience stores have something for everyone.

Convenience stores were especially popular with the younger demographic. The affordability of the products meant a high school student's allowance or a college student's frugality can both stretch their money significantly. Most stores took advantage of this, often doing promotional deals such as buy one, get one or multiples of a product for a discounted amount.

"That'll be 9,000 won please" the cashier says after scanning two red Marlboro boxes.

You were patiently waiting your turn, a cup of ramen and banana milk in your arms.

Once the person in front of you pays for their cigarettes after complaining why the tobacco tax was so high, you place the items down next to the cash register.

"That'll be 2,000 won please"

Fumbling around your pockets, you realize you were out of money. You were completely broke after paying this month's rent and your friends wanting to celebrate one of your oldest friends getting promoted in their corporate job. You had enough money to pay with cash but remembered you had an app that contained store credits.

As you hand the cashier your phone, you look up. She wore a blue, orange and green tri-colored vest that replicated the colors outside the store. Her nametag was neatly placed on the left side, the GS-25 logo clearly visible. Underneath the vest was a white crewneck sweater with Mickey Mouse imprinted across. 

Her smile was very inviting, making you question how she was able to keep such a cheerful expression for long periods of time. Her makeup less face complimented her dark, chestnut hair that was playfully teased to give a slightly wavy look. You felt quite shabby seeing how beautiful she was even in such a simple outfit. You had thrown on a pair of joggers and wore the same Mickey Mouse shirt you wore to bed last night, the shirt creased from you tossing back and forth trying to fall asleep from the summer heat.

"Oh, you like Mickey too?" She says as she hands back your phone after scanning the QR code, getting your attention.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I have a lot of these kinda shirts at home"

"Really? So do I. Mickey's my favorite" she said, her warm smile washing away whatever embarrassed feelings you had previously.

"Kim Jiyoo" you said, reading the name tag on her vest.

"That's me" Jiyoo replies, her eyes shining brightly at the delight of her name being called. "My real name is actually Minji, but my family and friends have been calling me Jiyoo forever that I've gotten used to it"

"I see. Well thank you for the items, Miss Jiyoo Minji" you reply, smiling at her.

"Please, either Jiyoo or Minji is fine" she giggles. "I haven't seen your face before"

"Yeah, I just moved to the neighborhood yesterday" you explain. "Finally living on my own"

"Really? I'm so jealous. I still have to live at home with my parents and brother" Minji pouted, puffing her cheeks at you with a cute sad reaction.

"Hey, stay positive! I'm sure you'll be able to move out soon!"

"Really? You think so?"

"Ahem"

You and Minji turn around and see an extremely large line has formed behind you, almost reaching the entrance. This store was extremely popular, you're sure having a beautiful woman as the employee made it that way.

You apologize to the customers and bow.

"Thank you again, Minji" you say, quickly grabbing your things and beginning to leave.

"Wait, I didn't catch your name!" Minji yells, tilting her head to see where you were.

"I'll drop by again tomorrow!" You yell, briefly being seen again by the door before leaving. Minji wanted to talk more, but was pleased to know you would be returning the next day. She smiled brightly at the customers and quickly got them in and out of the store.

And drop by the next day you did. Everyday for the entire month in fact. Some nights were slower than others, which allowed you and Minji to really get to know each other. Most of the time you didn't really need to buy anything, but dropped by anyways because you looked forward to your daily conversations with her. Minji would complain to you about the rude customers she had to deal with or how her and a group of friends had aspirations to be famous one day.

"What are you guys calling yourselves again?" You asked, slurping up noodles Minji made for you both.

"Dreamcatcher! We want fans to dream of us" Minji replies with her mouth full of ramen.

"That's the stupidest name I've ever heard! I preferred the first one you gave. What was it called? Minx?" You laughed at her, probably not the smartest thing to do. Minji pouted and hit your shoulder before replying.

"Ugh gross! I guarantee you this is what'll happen if we were named Minx. We'll debut with a cute concept. Two years will go by with steady growth but still no traction. We disband and go our separate ways" Minji yells, pointing her chopsticks at you in anger. 

"So, tell me about these friends of yours" you ask, taking a rather large chug of water.

"Hmm, what's there to say? I'm the oldest out of all 7 of us. We all have day jobs so it's hard to find time to meet. Here's a photo of some of them" Minji replies as she scrolls through her phone, handing you it as you see three women: one towering over the other two as they smile brightly, posing in business like clothing.

"The giant's name is Kim Yoohyun. We call her the silver puppy. Kim Bora's the busty one you see there. That bitch really needs to cover her tits. Anyways, the small bean on the right is Lee Gahyun, an intern. Yoo and Bora have been with the company for several years now. Gahyun was about to be fired due to slacking on the job, but she and Bora managed to entice their coworker into letting her stay"

"Enticed how? And wow, Yoohyun has an ass on her" you say, scrolling through Minji's phone and finding a photo of her friend posing for the camera.

"Give me that!" Minji says, yanking her phone from you.

"Let's just say the girls have an... interesting relationship with Bora's coworker"

"Noona!"

The two of you see a younger man approach your table. He looked like a carbon copy of Minji, just taller. And a guy.

"Taehyun, what are you doing here?"

"Mom asked me to ask you for some money. “Oh, hey hyung”

Minji takes some money out of her wallet, but retracts it when Taehyun reaches for it.

"What is this for?"

"She wants to buy pastries from the baker that just opened up"

"Are you sure? Ah, mom has her own money. Why does she keep asking me for some”

"Yes" Taehyun replies, snatching the money from her hand before running. Thanks noona!"

"Ah, that kid. I already know he's gonna spend it at the pc bang. Sorry about my dumb brother. Like I was saying, Bora and her coworker are pretty much senior members at the company. All the responsibility for zero increase in pay. When it came to intern evaluations to see who was going to be cut, her coworker convinced Bora that Gahyun would be their intern after some… interesting evaluations”

"So they slept with him?"

"Yoo was the first one, being his personal secretary and all. She said he dropped a pen one day during a business call and when she went to pick it up under his desk, she saw what he was hiding under his slacks so she sucked him off. Bora’s encounter with him happened when they worked late one night and got caught in a storm, so they ended up getting a hotel room for the night. Even though he's had turns with Gahyun and Bora, I really think him and puppy will end up together. She already spends half of the week at his place anyways and goes on and on about how great in bed he is"

"Well, I now know about your friends that I've never met before's sex life quite clearly. Anyway, even though it’s bad, I like that option about you guys disbanding and going your separate ways. It means you and I will get to date" you tease.

"Oh yeah? And what makes you so sure I'll date you?"

"Oh come on, Minji. It's so obvious you're into me. You look like an adorable puppy waiting for me at the exact same time everyday"

"Psh. As if! I look forward to when my shift ends. You just help time pass faster" Minji puffs her cheeks and pouts. It was one of your favorite reactions from her. You pinch her cheek and she blushes in embarrassment from your briefly intimate interaction.

"Don't worry, I like you too"

Minji looks up at you, her eyes beaming with excitement.

"You do?"

"Of course I do. I don't come here everyday just because of the snacks. Although, I am looking at a snack right now" you wink at her.

You lean forward. Minji's eyes widen like a deer in headlights. Unsure of what was going to happen, she closes her eyes and puckers her lips in anticipation. Smirking, you decided to tease her.

"You really should brush your hair sometime. You look less cute than usual" you softly say, as your face is mere centimeters from hers.

She opens her eyes and sees how close you two are. Her surprised expression soon changes to embarrassment.

"Why did you pucker your lips? Think I was going to kiss you?"

Smack.

You catch Minji off guard by giving her a delicate kiss on the lips. She touches it right away, unsure of what just happened.

"Why don't I work here? You did say your family wants a part timer to help out. Plus, we'll get to see each other more. Dating in the workplace can be cute. Like the silver puppy and her boss. Wait, you’re eating again? Where does it all go?”

“Food isn’t the only thing I eat”

Your newfound confessions blossomed into a tender relationship. The honeymoon phase was always wholesome. You two wanted to be around each other, often staying up late on the phone or sending cute gifs. Minji was a lovable girlfriend, pouting whenever you teased her. 

There were cameras everywhere, so you two had to be discreet when it came to kissing. Minji showed you where the blind spots were, both of you using it to your advantage to sneak in quick pecks or longer smooches. As your relationship went on, both of you became more daring.

Your hand might as well have been super glued to Minji's butt from the amount of times you would smack it during your shifts. She in turn would reciprocate, slapping your butt or squeezing your crotch when she knew no customers were around. The first form of physical intimacy occurred when Minji called you into the employee area one day to help her get a box from a high shelf.

"Thank you for the help, baby. I didn't realize how high the extra cups were placed" Minji turns around and smiles at you.

You don't reply, instead choosing to pull her into your embrace. She looks up at you, anticipating what your next move would be.

"You make me happy, Kim Minji" you tell her running your hand through her long brown locks before pecking her lips. Minji takes initiative and puts her hand behind your head, pulling you in for another kiss. She starts off slow, nibbling at your lower lip. This elicits surprise from you. You've given each other pecks or simple kisses, but never fully made out. You had both just started dating and you didn't want to do anything to make Minji feel like you were going to take advantage of her.

Minji continues to take charge, inserting her tongue into your mouth. Your eyes eventually close, giving into the temptation. You both were supposed to be working, but here you both were, sucking on each other's faces in the employee room. Minji finally releases her mouth from yours when she began to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen. You were no better, beads of perspiration forming on your forehead as your chest heaves from oxygen finally flowing into your body.

Minji smiles at you, a seemingly innocent one. But her cheerful expression soon shows a certain twinkle in her eyes. You knew that expression all too well. It was the same one she made whenever she talked about her group member's escapades. Minji already wanted you both to take the next step and be intimate, but you kept declining. The truth was, Minji was your first ever girlfriend. You didn't want to disappoint her. Although she has squeezed your crotch several times, you allowed it since she respected your wishes and never overstepped the boundaries you set. Also, you would end up going home and releasing that sexual frustration with your hand anyways. But this time, you knew what was gonna happen.

"I know we agreed to not having sex yet, but there are ... other ways to be pleasured" Minji said, her words dripping with pure seduction as she got down on her knees.

"And it all starts by doing this"

"B-baby, we're at work. We c-can't do this"

"I need you" Minji murmurs, just loud enough for you to hear. "I want you" she had already unzipped your vest and removed your shirt. She gives your crotch a firm squeeze before reaching for the button on your jeans. As she unzips your pants, Minji shows you her beautiful eye smile. It melts your heart, you wonder how someone so sweet can be committing such sin.

Minji peppers your stomach with kisses, each leaving a thin string of saliva. Your boxers did a poor job at hiding what was underneath. Normally, your erections would go away after quickly. But today, you seemed to be consistently hard. It definitely didn't help that Minji would grope you every chance she could. And so, with a new toy to be played with seemingly in front of her, she grabs onto the elastic edge before swiftly pulling it down. Your agonizingly hard cock hits Minji's nostrils. She giggles, licking her lips at what is now presented in front of her.

"I'll make this quick babe. But not too quick. Don't want you bursting right away" she says, wrapping her delicate hand around your shaft. She could feel you pulsing in her grip, one that was loose enough that it left you wanting more. She begins with careful, sliding strokes, each one sending spikes of unrestrained pleasure throughout your body, increasing her tempo slightly at the end of each stroke, all while never breaking eye contact with you. The lewdness of it all, your girlfriend asserting herself as the dominant one in your relationship. She mixes things up by swirling her hand around your tip a few times, forming her fingers into a loose representation of a claw and captures your head, raking it a few times. You moan, continuing to run your fingers through her hair, hoping she would take the hint. Even though she coerced you into this situation, there was no turning back now. It has to happen.

“You’re so hard already” she moans, lubricating her lips once more with anticipation.

She doesn’t even give you time to breathe as she slowly opens her mouth, sinking her head as she draws closer and closer to you. She releases her grip on you, choosing to caress both of your hips for support until her lips finally connect with your head. The warm and soft flesh connecting with yours instantly makes you feel lost in their tight hold. Minji gets to work right away, her lips forming an air tight seal around you as they glide back and forth. Each suck is punctuated by the smack of skin on skin as she begins to take you entirely in her mouth. Your fingers that were previously running through her hair now grip the back of her head, pressing it each time. Minji goes deeper, putting her full effort into pleasuring you, her head bobbing back and forth rapidly. Occasional muffled gags are released as your shaft reaches the back of her throat. The little signs she showed of having a gag complex are soon proven to be temporary as once she has warmed up enough, Minji begins to be able to keep you inside her mouth for longer stretches. As her pace quickens, she teases you by showing a few tricks such as licking up and down your shaft, starting from the base until she reaches the tip, and taking both of your balls in her mouth at once.

“You’re close”

These were the first words either of you have said since Mini began, communicating like cavemen through grunts and body language. This was the first intimate experience for you both but it feels like Minji knows your own body better than you do. You wonder if she’s had practice before or if her group members told her about the signs that a man is about to orgasm. Compared to when you first started, your knees were getting weak from the pleasure. Your muscles were painfully tight from not wanting to burst right away. Minji releases your sack from her mouth, a popping sound that sounds like a symphony for your ears as she teased you by sucking each ball individually several times. She returns to using her hand, stroking you fast and hard. Minji lines up your seemingly ready to burst shaft with her tongue, using it as a runway for your fast approaching release. She looks up at you, her eyes practically pleading, begging for you to ejaculate in her mouth.

“Please, babe?” She pleads. “Please give me your come?”

Those were your activation words. It sends you over the edge and your release comes hard, weakening your knees even more that you thought you were gonna collapse. You grip onto Minji’s head for support as she takes you inside her mouth one final time. The thick white fluid escapes from you, gushing out at a high burst of speed. You felt the initial few hit the back of her throat. Once the initial rush of dopamine subsides, you loosen your hold on her, letting her know your orgasm is finished. Minji laps up the remaining few squirts, stroking you a few times to make sure that you’re completely empty. With one final kiss on your tip, she flashes her signature eye smile at you before standing up.

“Thanks for the afternoon snack, babe. Hope I didn’t make you see black or white”

You were sweating profusely, none of your previous orgasms had been that intense. Minji giggles, kissing you one final time before staring at the mirror and fixing her appearance to at least be somewhat presentable.

“I love you honey. Now let’s finish this shift shall we? I take it you’re ready for us to finally have sex. Make sure you’re ready for me tonight. I’ll make sure you scream” Minji blows you one last kiss before opening the door and greeting a customer who was ready to purchase food.

You were still feeling the aftereffects from Minji’s blowjob throughout your shift. If you didn’t know any better, it seemed like she didn’t even do it from how she was acting normally around customers. You were distracted, getting jumpy from customers asking you to scan their items or yelling at you for handing them the wrong carton of cigarettes. Once Minji locks up the store, she puts her keys away before interlocking her fingers with yours. The walk home was peaceful, no dogs barking and very few cars passing by. Minji was in a very cheerful mood, singing songs about flowers and summer love.

The two of you enter your apartment and Minji heads over to your room. She’s stayed over several times, and by doing so unofficially lives with you as many of her belongings and intimates are sprawled throughout your home. As you place the dinner order, Minji comes out, wearing a simple outfit that consists of pajama shorts that end ever so slightly below her bottom and a white crop top with Slytherin embroidered on it. An appropriate shirt to be wearing considering what she did to you at the store earlier. She removed her contacts and is now wearing giant circle lens glasses. After dinner, the two of you are sitting on the couch watching a rerun of some movie you forgot the name of. Minji was sitting on your lap, your right arm embracing her legs.

“Babe, we’re supposed to be watching the movie. Why is your dick poking my ass?”

You respond by sliding your hand down Minji’s crotch, not surprised at the lack of undergarments. You take two fingers and thrust them inside her core.

“Do you know how horny you made me today? It was all I could think about at work” you snarl, increasing the pace of your thrusts inside her.

“A-ah!” Minji’s juices lubricated your fingers, making the squelching sounds loud as you continued to finger her. “Faster, keep going”

You pull out your fingers just as Minji was about to climax, ruining her orgasm.

“Babe! What the fuck, I was about to come!”

“I just can’t do it. Babe, the reason why I’ve been prolonging sex was not to torture you” you sighed deeply. “It was cause I was embarrassed for you to find out I’m still a virgin”

“Is that what all this is about? Babe. You’re my boyfriend, I love you. I don’t care if you’re a virgin. It would be more meaningful because it’s you. I’m proud of you, that takes a lot of courage to say. But if we’re being honest… I am too”

“What?” You were so surprised, Minji seemed like an expert.

“I’ve pretty much done everything except penetration. Most guys just wanted to get in my pants without us getting to know one another. I compromised by telling them I’d give them head whenever they wanted. But with you, I’m okay with giving my first time to. I mean it”

Minji gives you another powerful kiss, reaffirming her love for you. You inserted your tongue this time, wanting to thank her for this morning.

“Looks like you kept your promise about being ready to go right now after my present for you this afternoon” your girlfriend says, speaking in a more husky tone. Minji began grinding on your lap. Moving her butt up and down, causing you to reach inside her shirt and grab her breasts, hungrily massaging them. It thrilled you knowing she was not wearing a bra, her nipples hard enough that they could pierce steel.

Minji guides you to the bedroom, turning around so that you’re facing each other. She begins her assault and kisses you, the two of you begin running your hands through each other’s body. Your clothes are instantly removed, being deemed unnecessary as both of your bodies increase in temperature: you almost tear off Minji’s shorts revealing her smooth, milky legs. She returns the favor by ripping the buttons off your shirt, her hands running through your chest and stomach with wanton vigor. She pulls your pajama pants down to your ankles as the two of you return to the fierce dance your mouths were participating in.

"Ah, babe. There's a bag near the nightstand. I got a little present for you"

You part yourself from Minji just enough to reach the pink colored bag on your nightstand. You take a peek inside and are greeted with a can of whipped cream. Under different circumstances, you would've wondered why there wasn't any ice cream. You hand them to Minji, smiling.

"Just thought you wanted a small snack before the main course" she said, shaking the can of whipped cream. She playfully applies two swirls on her breasts. They weren't the biggest breasts, but you loved them no matter what. But especially when they contained a sweet treat on them.

You instantly capture one, Minji's back arching in pleasure as the artificially sweetened substance fills your taste buds. It soon melts away revealing the real treat: chocolate syrup covered nipples. You make sure to not leave the other breast, devouring both mounds leaving only the syrup behind. Minji's moans echo throughout the bedroom, her skin's temperature being raised from the feeling of the cold whipped cream melting from your touch. You take the time to appreciate her naked body, giving her breasts as many kisses as you could.

You take the canister of whipped cream and without instruction, apply a generous amount on her clit.

"I've never done this before but it only seems right to repay you" you say, your voice trembling.

Warm colorless liquid was already beginning to slowly leak out of Minji. It seems like she was already aroused from having stuff eaten off her body. You dive in, lapping up the liquid from her center before gradually moving up, reaching the bright white prize. Minji is unable to control herself, her body squirming as she grips the back of your head and pushes you deeper. You move your hands up until they find her breasts, gently massaging them before pinching her nipples softly. The feeling you were giving her of eating her out along with playing her nipples was earth shattering. Obviously you were inexperienced, but with advice from Minji to form letters of the alphabet with your mouth, her initial giggles were soon replaced with moans, wanting you to not stop. You wanted her to orgasm, before diving into the main course.

The ever so slight musk scent was intoxicating. Minji chose to keep herself cleanly waxed, not a trace of hair in sight. You wanted to build her up, tease her for her agonizing blowjob earlier. But you show restraint, not giving in to your desires.

"Oh, fuck. Keep eating my pussy babe. Please"

You oblige, continuing your oral assault on her womanhood. You place your hands on her hips, causing them to involuntarily buck into your face. Your tongue darts in and out of her right hole. She wraps her thighs around your neck, forcing you to go deeper. It doesn't take very long until the muscles of her walls tighten, signaling her climax. Just as Minji is about to reach euphoria, you pull away for the second time tonight. Minji is rightfully pissed, her second orgasm of the night is ruined just as it was about to arrive.

"Why the fuck did you stop?" She angrily demands.

You choose to hold your throbbing cock in your hand. Minji sees this, her anger subsiding as she knows her erotic moans to your actions brought you back to life. Minji almost lost consciousness from the pleasure, trying to maintain focus as you both about to lose your virginities.

"B-be gentle, okay?" She whimpers.

You nod, giving her a reassuring kiss. You hold her left leg up, giving you a much easier access to the treasure that awaited you.

You make sure to prepare her for it, rubbing your tip against her lips several times. It was now or never. You guide your cock into her. She grimaces in pain as you finally enter her, her walls are extremely tight as inch by inch sinks inside. You're about three fourths of the way in as you give Minji another kiss to calm her down and hopefully relieve some of the initial pain. She wraps both of her arms around her neck, nodding at you to continue. At last, you fully enter Minji. Her walls are painfully tight, you weren't sure how you were able to fit.

Once you give her adequate time to get used to your cock, you start fucking. The first thrust causes her to whimper. She whines during the second one, but by the third thrust Minji's feelings of pain are replaced with pleasure. She loses all sense of self control, becoming a gasping, moaning mess as your hard cock increases in tempo and moves in and out of her. Both your breaths are heavy, you lock eyes with one another. You were both lost in the heat of passion. Her pussy is welcoming, extremely soft and complying to your rapid movements.

Before long, Minji has become fully accustomed to your dick, clawing at your back. Whispering in your ear to fuck her like you mean it. She's begging you for more, finding small bursts of energy to kiss you with what little oxygen is flowing through her body. Your bodies are extremely hot and sweaty at this point. You gently knead her soft, delicate mounds once again.

You were constantly out of breath yourself, your exhales devolving into monotone grunts. Minji's pussy continues to constrict your cock as the bed frame creaks from the two of you’s actions. You take note of your girlfriend's face: doe looking eyes, cheeks that were cute enough to pinch, luscious pink lips and the cutest nose you wanted to boop.

"Babe, why don't we try a different position? Yoo's always telling me about how good it feels to be fucked from behind"

Minji turns around and shakes her cute bottom at you. You spank it, the sound echoing throughout your room. You give each cheek four firm slaps before positioning yourself inside her once again.

"Oh, fuck. You feel even bigger than before"

Minji unconsciously tightens her vaginal muscles and you are provided with an utterly wonderful feeling.

“Holy fuck” you grunt. “Do it again baby” you beg as you thrust into her again.

She listens to you, clenching her muscles even harder. Minji is rewarded with cries of pleasure.

Your hand returns to her bottom, palming each tenderly before giving a loud spank. Minji decides to take control and impales herself onto your shaft, your bodies grinding against each other.

“A-ah, oh my god” Minji groans as her eyes roll to the back of her head. It seems you have found Minji’s sensitive spot. Having located it, control returns to you as you penetrate her cave and continue hitting her weakness. Minji’s stomach began getting heavier, she knew what was fast approaching. You could tell what it was from her body language. Minji tries desperately to grip onto your thighs, but it was no avail. You abuse her sensitive area as hard as you can, feeling her freshly manicured nails scratch your thighs, her body trembling in pleasure as the orgasm finally hits.

“Babe!” Your name escapes her lips in a hybrid scream/whisper repeatedly. You continue thrusting into her, albeit at a much slower pace due to how sensitive she was.

“You came so much, baby” you say, leaning forward to kiss her back.

“B-babe, stop. I wanna ride you now” she says, turning her head slightly. From her tone, it wasn’t a demand; but rather a request. Who were you to deny your girlfriend the pleasure she is seeking.

“Oh my godddd” Minji mutters as she impales herself onto your shaft. She doesn’t bother giving herself time to adjust to your size. Her mind is clouded at this point, only wanting pleasure and nothing else. You close your eyes, throwing your head back as her warm, velvety walls close tightly around you. Minji notices how much her pussy has an effect on you: your eyebrows furrow, you grit your teeth slightly, your Adam’s apple moving forward slightly as you gulp saliva.

Minji places her hands squarely on your chest, using them as support as she rocks her body back and forth. She could feel every ridge and pulsing vein rubbing against her walls. Now she realizes what Yoohyun meant when she said there is nothing that can replicate the feeling of having an actual dick inside you.

“Am I a slut babe?” Minji asks you. You were taken aback hearing her say such a thing about herself. “Because if it means I get fucked like this when we have sex, I want to be a slut. A whore who only wants your cock!”

Minji’s scream leaves her mouth suddenly as your dick hits her sensitive spot once more. It’s as if your mushroom headed looking tip has made it to her cervix. She grimaces slightly from the pain, but it makes her go crazy. Her toes curl in pleasure, digging themselves into the small crevice between your thighs and the bedsheets. With every downwards thrust into her body, Minji’s bottom is still tender from the spankings you gave her earlier.

Your hands roam her body and find their way up top. Minji’s legs were starting to give out, she lowers her body which allows you to capture her perky left nipple into your mouth. Using your tongue, you flick it. To add even more pleasure, you occasionally throw in a few soft bites. You cup each breast in your hand, squeezing them. To make things even worse for her already sensitive nipples, you blow cold air over them. Minji’s skin reacts, goosebumps littering her pale breasts. 

Minji orgasms again, her walls painfully constricting you as the sudden flood of her nectar drenches your shaft. She captures your lips, wanting you to be happy of the pleasure you were giving her. Her orgasm was strong, but not strong enough to push you out of her. As such, trails of her liquid begin to leak out and coat your balls.

Her breathing is erratic, the back to back orgasms she endured caused her chest to heave. You find her nipples once more, tasting them. “Mmm, babe” her body was still sensitive. She tried pulling you away from her embrace, but you don’t care. You continue on with your oral assault, alternating between each breast.

Minji is kissing you senseless, and you take the chance of her being momentarily distracted to push yourself inside her once again. “Oooh” she moaned in pleasure. Her back has returned to the bed. You grab her thighs, pushing each apart momentarily before wrapping them around your waist. Minji embraces you as you thrust, her bottom syncing with yours.

“Babe… please keep fucking me. Don’t stop. Please, please, please. Don’t… stop… ahhhh!” Minji moans while trying to catch her breath. She was desperate. Gone was the aggressive woman who teased you about you both not having done the deed yet. All Minji wanted now was to come, and to make you come as well.

The room sounds like a symphony of moans, wet flesh slapping against one another and the consummation of a relationship being taken to the next level. Minji wraps her arms around your neck, her breasts pressed up against your own chest. Despite being the one to initiate things, there was a slight tint of red on her face as she could hear the lewd sounds your lower bodies were making.

You continue to thrust inside Minji. You were tired, but you had held back from being intimate with a woman for far too long. You savored Minji’s body, her lovely moans following each of your thrusts. Her breasts jiggled up and down from your swift movement.

“I’m gonna come” she manages to squeak out. You were so focused on fucking her you temporarily lost the ability to speak, grunting in order to acknowledge her. “I can’t hold it… aaahhhh…” Minji trembles, her body squirms as she clenches her walls around your shaft. Her flesh filled cave spasm along with his continuous thrusts. 

“Aaahhh… yes, harder! Harder!”

You wanted to ask Minji where she wanted you to release. As you were about to do so, she lets out a loud scream. Your orgasm was fastly approaching.

“I’m coming baby!”

Minji’s thighs that were locked onto your waist pull you down. With one final powerful thrust, you reach the deepest part of her pussy. You emit a loud groan as your cock throbs erratically in her tight, velvety walls painting the inside with burning hot semen. You lose track of time in that moment, releasing sperm into her awaiting womb. It flows quickly and continuously, spreading all throughout her insides.

“Ohhhh my god” Minji’s body squirms in pleasure. Your orgasm triggers another one from her as well. With a quick kiss on her lips and one final thrust, you pull out, watching your bodies detach. Minji’s pussy is bright red, the poor victim of your sexual hunger. You watch as the slimy, white liquid oozes out of her. You hum in satisfaction, wiping off the sweat from your brows and caressing her face. As both of you struggle to catch your breaths, you lean down and give her a long, loving kiss.

Minji motions you to bring your cock near her mouth. Using the little strength she has left, she places a hand on your thigh as she is now face to face with your shaft. Your tip was bright red, glistening from the mixture of your love. She giggles as she sees her freshly released pussy juices and your sperm lathering your cock. She licks her lips with excitement before diving in. She wraps her left hand around your shaft, kissing the slit on your tip affectionately before putting it in her mouth. She makes eye contact with you, happy to see you clenching your teeth, trying to restrain yourself from grabbing her head and facefucking her.

Using the tips Yoohyun gave her, Minji swirls her tongue around your tip. She slowly draws a circle with her tongue around the slit. You groan in satisfaction, Minji couldn’t be happier at knowing she was pleasuring her boyfriend. Her pussy is tingling, slowly leaking out onto the bed sheets. Taking you in her mouth once more, she slips your cock in between her lips. Before going further into her mouth, her lips grip onto your shaft like a magnet. Once inside, Minji flattens her tongue below your tip. She sways it back and forth, left and right to tease you. She finds out she loves being in control just as much as she loves you taking control. Minji takes you all the way down her throat one last time before releasing her mouth’s hold on you with a loud pop. Her delicate hand cups your balls and with just enough grip, squeezes them. They were still heavy, even after how much you released. Minji knew they contained wonderful treats for her. The night was still young, and she was going to make sure she was going to empty you out. She takes her index finger and gently rakes your sack, you groan at the act being done to your sensitive area.

“Oh babe, I didn’t tell you. My parents ordered a bed for the breakroom at the store. We’re gonna have to break it in, you know? But before that… we have to change the sheets. And maybe continue this in the shower?”

[queenoftheworldisdead]

Unbetrothed

Summary: Let me just say I am an American with no idea of how royal hierarchies work. Just made something up.

Governors are basically kings of the states they run with their own armies and mayors are dukes. Women are not allowed to work, only marry.

Dark MCU royal AU [but not really grey at best]

Sam Wilson x reader, dark Thor x reader [not really i don’t think. more like grey Thor]

Warning: attempted suicide, sex

----

"She's old Margret" your father huffed.

"Dear no I think you're being harsh" your mother defended.

You sat in the kitchen peeling potatoes for tonight’s dinner as you listened to him complain.

"I most certainly am not! She is old. Way past her prime. Am I supposed to work myself to death to  support her?" He grumbled.

"Her brothers have long sense left this house. Started families of their own. Making their own way about the world."

"Dear they are men. Made to labor. What would you have her do? You refused her education. She has little options"

Women were with few exception not allowed to work. If you were not aiming to be a nurse, maid, or teacher. Most girls stopped their education after they learned to read or their parents stopped paying for tuition.

"Well, I would have assumed she would have been long sense married by now. What would be the point in wasting the money on education?"

He would often complain after doing his monthly expenses. Paying for the loan on the house, paying to feed himself and his wife, but the extra cost of the spare mouth of a daughter drove him up the wall. He actually calculated how much extra money he would have if you were not there draining his savings. As if it would by him a cottage on a beach in the state.

A popper he was not but a frugal bastard he was indeed. Only spending extra if he could come out ahead in the end.

It was like this most days, the only time it wasn't were when your father stayed out to drink. Pouring his sorrows into a pint and from your mothers presumption whores.

"Joseph, from work, told me that the Governor's having a ball. Says that his son told him that they send all the army boys there, most bachelors the lot of them. You know those army folks are quick to wed." He told your mother. He had planned this out thoroughly it would seem. "Lets put some lipstick on this pig and send her off"

"She is not a cow you sell at market!" Your mother was outraged out the notion.

"Well Moo Moo Margret. She is going. If she doesn't find a suitor then she is out on the streets. Have the state worry for her."

"Dear you cant mean that. She is our blood." Your mother would do nothing more than speak of her disapproval.

"It's my mother's fault." He said as he walked to his favorite sitting chair. "She was a bit misshapen. Got her damn jeans from me. Swear if she didn't look like her I would deny her my name" your mother gasped loudly at the insult.

"She tried to marry the Wilson boy and you denied her! Now look at him, second in command of the states army."

"Well, I thought when she...uh" he paused to find the right word to say. "Bloomed she would bring better prospects."

When you were 14 you fell in love with Sam Wilson and he with you. Children of the same age, same culture and you two had become fast friends. He had always made you laugh and it was not uncommon to be betrothed at such a young age.

One day while playing by the creek he had pushed you against the old oak tree and kissed you. So innocent and sweet, but it only lasted a fraction of a second. You had stared at him with your eyes wide with shock and surprise.

"Y/N I love you. Marry me?" He had no ring just a wild daffodil half ruined from being hid within his pants pocket. You had hugged him so tight he teased that you almost broke his bones. You had loved him for ages and to have your best friend love you back was truly a delight any girl could ask for.

The day felt like a dream as you two lay in the field and talked of your future. How many children, where the house should be, what the wedding would be like. You hadn't even noticed that the sun was setting as the euphoria of your love took over.

Kissing him on the cheek with a promise to meet again tomorrow you rushed home. With a smile that would not falter.

"Mom! Mom!" You burst through the door.

"What is it girl? You're so loud. What is it?"

"Sam! He asked me to be his wife!" Barely able to catch your breath as you retell the events.

Your mother's sweet smile showed of her approval in the union. The excitement of telling your father made the hands on the clock drag. When you saw the cart finally drop him off you exploded through the door and rushed to tell him your joyous news.

But your joy was short lived. Sam's family was not the status that he wanted for you. He gambled that when you were to hit puberty you would attract hire quality suitors. To hedged his bets he pulled you from school and refused you out to see Sam.

The decision crushing you completely, your home had become your prison for over a decade. Only allowing out into the world to join your mother for her weekly shopping.

He broke you back then and thought nothing of it. Unmoved by your constant tears and sorrow. Eventually you cared not for the fancy things in life. Your hair unkept, your clothes unpressed and makeup was as foreign to you as the neighboring states. Your mother would often scold you for not putting out your best as to catch the eyes of a suitor. But what was the point?

You lived only in the fading memories of Sam. Replaying ways to have made things different. Your mother took pity allowing you stationary upon which to write. Sending him love letters, but sadly with no replies.

"Well I buying her a ticket to the governors ball. We have enough for a decent enough dress so get her ready." Plopping down he opened his smoking box to take out his pipe. Lighting it up with long puff signaling to your mother that the final word had been spoken.

Your mother with your fathers pocket book went all out. When he saw the receipts he almost had a stroke. He swore never again to make that mistake with your mother again.

Your hair, makeup and dress were all done for the affair. When she showed you the results in the mirror before you left with your father you swore someone had bewitched the mirror.

When you two arrived at the Governors estate your father pushed you to mingle. But you had not the heart for music and fun. Walking aimlessly about the crowded event until you spotted him.

It couldn't be could it?

Walking up to the man you presumed to be your long lost love you call out.

"Sam?"

It was him, adorn in his formal military uniform.

"Y/N?"

Your heart felt like it beat for the first time in ages. Swelling with joy tears almost fell from your eyes at the sight of your long lost love.

You hugged him instantly, but it took a moment before his arms reciprocated the gesture.

"I always wondered what happened to you. I even went to your house but I was always turned away"

"It was all my fathers doing. Did you receive my letters? My mother made sure to mail them daily, but I never got word back."

Even through your despair you had never stopped writing. Everyday even when your mind tried to insert logic you still wrote. You could barely spell and your mother was of no use in that matter, but that did not stop you.

"What letters?" He was at a loss and that is when your heart began to hurt a little at the betrayal of you're only ally.

Every shopping day your mother would buy you the most gorgeous letter paper to write to him with, only to never send them. But why?

"I wrote to you every day Sam I swear it" you were in denial. She wouldn't have done that. No never her. Not your mother.

"Honey who is this?" A beautiful woman appeared from his side.

"This is an old friend. Wanda this is Y/N"

She was so striking and much younger than you. "Oh hello he talks much about his youth here in this state, but I'm sorry I don't recall you." You could see her trying to recall a memory and even with the scrunch of her brow she was a sight.

What would you say to her? That you were his first love, first kiss, that he had proposed to you. That you still had the daffodil he gave. Now pressed in the holy book on the page that would have held your vows.

"I.." You looked at him. His smile was for her now. You were nothing, but a ghost playing among the living. "I went to school with him when I was much younger, but never completed." She smiled at you so pure and overflowing with love for him that it made you sick, but you forced yourself to mirror her.

"Well it was nice meeting you, Y/N.." She said through the loud music."but if you will excuse me I would love to dance with my fiancé." Pulling him away. As they departed what was left of your heart felt as if it had rolled in glass.

Every breath brought a pain and as your vision began to blur you saw your father approached with that look. That look that you had not the energy to deal with. So you took off. Walking swiftly through the crowded ballroom zigging and zagging not knowing where to go. You were boiling over, but you didn't want the world to see. For Sam to see.

As you scanned the massive room filled with people you spot a staircase that wrapped along the wall. You don't know why you went to it, but you did. Ascending the stairs as quickly as you could in your full dress. Tripping only twice on the petty coat underneath, but still able to stand up right. There were fewer people on this level, each in their own conversation of this or that. Taking a deep breath you decide to turn left. Passing awkwardly by the smaller groups of people before stopping at the door at the end of the hall.

The massive wooden door was unlocked when you tried the handle. Pushing it open you could see no lights. Entering the darkness of the room, the blackness poured over you then the tears fall before you could close it behind you. With your back pressed to it you slid down the door and on to the floor. The sound of the booming music from the band hiding you're sobbing from the world.

As you cried you felt the cold breeze of the night prickle your skin. Looking you see the sheer curtain dance in the wind the color of the moon light giving it a soft ghostly hue. Standing up you walked to it. Opening the curtain you found the window to actually be a small balcony.

Walking out to the banister at the end you stare up at the moon and the sight of it filled you with loneliness. A small part of you had held out hope that Sam still loved you, would come for you and you two would live out those childhood wishes from long ago. But he wasn't and your father would surely be tossing you out by the morrow.

You didn't know how, but somehow you had climbed over the railing. Staring at the earth below.

What was the point? You couldn't work, too old to marry. Born to be nothing.

"You shouldn't be here." A voice came out from behind the ghostly veil.

Turning your head you look back to see, but when you spotted him you only stared through him.

Holding on to the steel frame of the balcony you lean forward. Hoping that when you fall and kiss the ground that the pain would be swift. So you let go.

"No you don't"

He was fast. Catching your wrist before you descended. Looking up at him you could see him clearly now. The strain on his face had his veins busting through his flesh as he pulls you back up and over the banister.

He had pulled you so hard that he lost balance and landed on the  floor with you on top of him.

Pushing yourself off his chest you straddled him. Your dress almost swallowing him whole. When he sat up he rubbed the back of his head and hissed. As he straightened himself, his height could not be ignored.

"Are you mad wo.." His words were cut off by the crashing of your lips to his. You just pressed them hard into his, your eyes shut tight as your fingers clasped the fabric of his formal uniform.

His hands came on to your shoulders and pushed you back. "They had told me these events were to be a prudish affair. Had I known women of this state were made of fire we would have united our states long ago." His strange accent had you gawking at him.

Your eyes fell to his uniform, the colors were all wrong. It was not of your state's formal wear, but anothers.

He kissed you this time, his tongue tickled your bottom lip the sudden wetness of it made you gasp and he took that opportunity to invade. Yours sat frozen in your mouth bewildered by the intrusion.

When his hands fell on your hip you yelped in his mouth. "Move for me" he said as his hands guided you back and forth on his lap. The friction of his pants on your bloomers was delightful. Moaning in his mouth your eyes shot open wide. Embarrassed by the foreign noise, but the man only chuckled on your lips.

Your hands released his clothes and wrapped around his neck. When he bit your bottom lip you bit his, when his tongue flicked yours you flicked his in turn. You let him guide you to every move. His hands fell from your hip, but you still kept the pace as the warm fuzziness of the feeling building in your core wanted more.

Placing his arms on your back he pushed you backwards on to the  cold balcony floor while never breaking his kiss. Your heart beat hard in your chest as you felt him press you into the unforgiving floor with your dress the only bit of comfort to it.

He pulled away again making you whimper. His smile looked so devilish as he stared down at you. "Your pure aren't you girl."

Your ears felt hot as his eyes looked upon you. "Yes" it came out almost as a whisper.

He bit his lip almost fighting off a bigger grin. Moving his hands from your back one hand glided atop your dress. Grazing both breasts before hooking his in it. Pulling the fabric down allowing your breast to bounce free in the night air. His warm palm overtaking the circumference of one breast filling your body with more fire.

Bending down you closed your eyes to receive a kiss, but it never came. His wet mouth latched onto your exposed bosom, making you pant. The flicking of his tongue drove you mad with wanting. His soft lips kissed each breast before sucking your nipple into his mouth. "Your flesh is sweeter than any honey I've ever tasted." His rugged voice sent you soaring to the heavens.

Bunching up your dress his hand moved slowly up your thigh. Stopping at your bloomers. "What do you want little dove?" He looked down at you again. Waiting for your answer.

Was this what Sam does to Wanda?

For whatever reason your mind could not picture him this way. So your mind drifted, thinking of the women of the night. The women that lived for the night as you are now. Your mother had spoke often about loose women. Whores she would call them. Good for nothings seen as no more than the corrupters of men souls. That’s why she never blamed your father for his misdeeds. You wanted to be a corrupter of men, to hold a power over them. Seeing as giving them power had brought you no joy in this world.

"I want to be a whore" at your words his smile dropped and a hunger unfamiliar to you grew upon his face.

Hurriedly pulling your bloomers down you could hear a growl from him. As if by the moon he would change into a wolf right before your eyes. His focus strayed from you but for only a brief moment as he fiddled with his own attire.

He lay between your spread legs poking at your muff with a rod harder than the floor that ached your back. "Then my whore you shall be" without another word he forced himself into you.

The pain and discomfort had you screaming into the night. Pushing him off, but he held steadfast deep in you up to his hilt. Tears prickled your eyes as the pain felt unbearable. Lifting your legs onto his shoulder allowed him deeper still and you felt too full.

"Please sir it hurts" you hissed. Your eyes pleading up at him.

"Not for long my dove" His hips slammed against you with such forced that you tried to crawl backwards away. But with his hands on your shoulder he locked you in place. Each time his hips slapped yours it sent jolts throughout your body.

Your mewls mixing with his groans while the music played from the ball down stairs. "It hurts!" Your voice quakes as he continued his punishing thrust. Your breasts jerking harshly from his movements while your legs try and force him off, but he went on undeterred.

"My..dove.. sing for me" and you did with every thrust.

Your back arched off the unforgiving ground as you felt your cunt stretched beyond its limits to receive him. Your nails dragged along his coat sleeves, snagging on badges here and there.

The pain of him faded into a wave of ecstasy. "More please" you panted.

"Does..my..dove..love.. my..cock" he teased as he watched your face transform from pain to pleasure. Hitting your core harder with each word, moaning deeply as he filled you.

"Mmm so-so good." You moaned. The pressure from him electrified your whole body. You could feel every inch of him and you wanted more.

"A whore..only for...me" he groaned. His chest pressed into your legs as his movements grew wilder. Your body felt a buzz, your flower so alive, clenching feverishly around him. His member started twitching, flexing inside of you and filling you with more warmth and wetness.

"Such a good little dove" he praised.

When he stopped he gave your lips one last kiss before falling over to your side. Your legs flopped to the floor landing with a thud shaking like a leaf in the wind. Turning your head to him, you examined the glistening features of his face.

"Who are you?" You panted out half exhausted.

As he began to speak the door creaked open in the distance.

"Y/N!" Your fathers voice shouted out. You sat up with a cold splash of reality hitting you.

When your father came into the room he had only seen the aftermath. A compromising position that sent him into a tizzy. Racing over to you he grabbed your for arm pulling you from your savior.

Pulling up your top and cleaning off your dress you prayed he had not noticed your very bare chest in the confusion.

"What are you doing who is that?" He roared furiously. "Speak"

*Smack

His slap faded into the nights air. He must be getting older, much more older than you thought him to be. His strikes barely fazed you now, but you held your face as if it still held the same power as they used to have.

"What were you thinking you stupid girl? Your chastity is you're only saving grace." He was furious. "I can't believe my own daughter a whore."

"Ah heeeehhhmmmm" the stranger cleared his throat behind you. His height towering over you and your father.

"Excuse me sir, but in my state we do not take Kindly to the striking of innocent women."

"And who are you to speak to me in such a ways army boy?"

"I'm lieutenant Governor Thor Odinson of the Asgardian state. New allies of your Governor's state."

Your father's eyes widened in shock as did yours.

"We were just admiring the constellations as we are ought to do in my state. Isn't that right milady?"

Your father looked to you to answer while Thor shot you a knowing wink.

"Well if you would excuse her intrusion sir, but she is supposed to be finding a suitor not laying about star gazing" he spoke nervously.

Pulling you out of the room by your arm as Thor faded into the darkness.

"What happened to your face girl you look a sight?" He said annoyed. "Go to the mirror and fix yourself" he pointed to a mirror along the wall right before the entrance to the room. "Had someone else spotted you, you would have been thought a harlot for sure" he huffed.

Hurrying away you rush to the mirror all the while you felt Thor's seed snake down your leg.

[accidentallyadramablog]

Review: Down With Love (2010)

I felt a little nostalgic this week and decided to rewatch Down With Love, a romcom out of Taiwan featuring Ella Chen (from Hana Kimi) and Jerry Yan (Meteor Garden).

This is more of a brain dump as opposed to a real review. More below the cut.

Let me just start with the fact I love dramas with tomboys, gender benders, and gender non-conforming women and girls in general. I'm a 40 yr old gnc bi-woman, so some of these storylines really resonate with me - despite the trend of making those female characters glaringly stupid and pitiable.

Tags: Nanny, Love Square, Tomboy, Male Chases Female First, Sismance, Rich Man/Poor Woman, Pretends To Be Gay, Single Parent, Sisterhood, Boss/Employee Relationship

Our girl Ella Chen plays tomboy Yang Guo. Yang Guo works, has friends, and a shitty boyfriend of 5 years. She acts naïve, but she actually has a lot of life experience due to a *tragic backstory*. After her mother died, her father ruined the family business. Their family plunged from riches to rags and their father abandoned them. Yang Guo is 6 when this happens and it falls on her older sister Yang Duo to raise them both while homeless, starving, and navigating the homeless camps in the parks of Taipei.

Yang Duo (Kelly Huang) has raised her little sister by herself, beginning from poverty and homelessness to having a house and making a life for themselves. They bicker good-naturedly, but Yang Duo is very protective and supportive of her sister. She's managed to earn a job at a prestigious law firm as an admin assistant with strong accounting skills. She is seen as frugal, clever, and competent. Several characters make comments throughout the series about how it was a shame that she didn't go into certain careers because she's so accomplished despite not having a formal education. It's obvious that Yang Duo has put her own dreams and happiness on hold to make sure that she and Guo have financial security. Yang Duo is my favorite character btw. She is a supporting character that is multi-faceted and has her own character arc. I really like seeing her growth in this drama, and she gets some cute side couple action later in the series. Skip the last episode.

Due to growing up in poverty and scrabbling to lower-middle-class, the two girls work nonstop. After Guo is fired from her job waiting tables, Duo gets Guo a job as a nanny for her boss Xiang Yu Ping by lying and saying Guo is a lesbian.

Xiang Yu Ping (Jerry Yan) owns his own law firm and is seen as cold and overbearing. He is raising his dead brother's kids and none of the nannies he's hired have lasted either due to being chased off by the kids (a la the Sound of Music) or by trying to seduce him because he's a rich handsome lawyer. Relieved to have found a nanny who definitely wouldn't seduce him (because he thinks she's a lesbian), he just pays an unreasonably huge salary to keep her there with the kids despite their abuse.

Supporting characters: Amanda Chu as the best friend Yan Ling with the messy dating life is also delightful, but I've enjoyed all her roles. I may rewatch Lion Pride for her, now that I'm walking down memory lane. The office of 'just some lawyer dudes being dudes' are funny. I love when they gather around to watch drama and place bets on what's happening. They're also slackers. I would love/hate to work with them.

So that's the setup.

Honestly, I hate the 'pretends to be gay' plots. It's typically really offensive and this was no exception in a lot of places. (It's not at the same level as Personal Taste, but it's bad.) One of the cases Yu Ping takes on is unlawful termination and blackmail of a gay teacher and he asks for Yang Guo's advice to help the man. Taiwan was trying in 2010, but it wasn't exactly good representation to have a fake lesbian help an actual gay man faced with employment discrimination and blackmail over his orientation. When I compare this with Love is Science (2021 twdrama) that has two out lgbt characters employed in their office with significant roles, I'm just so happy that lgbtq media representation is still progressing.

I don't care about Yu Ping's best friend Qi Ke Zhong or Yu Ping's ex-girlfriend Ding Hui Fan because they're both terrible people that don't deserve forgiveness and their only purpose was to drag out our leads getting together. Since this was a rewatch, I knew how much I hated their scenes and skipped them as much as I could. You're not missing anything. Someone on YT needs to just make a Yang Duo/Xiang Yu Ping cut, tbh. Also? Go ahead and skip the deadbeat father.

The nanny bit only lasts three episodes (the kids are adorable), but it's long enough for Yu Ping to catch feelings and think his lesbian nanny is cute. He actually is not cold and overbearing as episode 1 makes him out to be. Yu Ping is supportive and tries to be a good friend to Guo. When he thinks her 'girlfriend' is cheating on her, he absolutely flips out because he feels she deserves to be respected and loved in her relationship. He learns about her family. He learns about her friends. He knows where to look for her when she's upset. He knows how to cheer her up and later, he knows how to make the perfect date. When he finds out she lied about being a lesbian, he's not even mad. He admits it was his fault for making certain demands in the employment contract. He's just upset that he's lost chances to flirt and court her.

Listen. It's a dumb premise in this drama and the misunderstandings suck. But it's so refreshing to see male leads be decent to women that are romantically and sexually unavailable to them. The bar is so low, in RL and in dramas, that Yu Ping belongs in the top tier of male drama leads. This dude was just going to continue in a supportive friendship for an undetermined time, both when he thought she was a lesbian and later when his shitty weasel of a best friend dated her under false pretenses. He didn't burden her with a confession until her relationship was over. And whenever she asked for space, he gave it to her. And when she confronted him on instances of jealously, he apologized and gave her space.

Yu Ping never tries to change Guo. He doesn't give her a makeover. She has a makeover scene that is instigated by another character and all he does is try to make her comfortable when she's so obviously uncomfortable. Then he cheers inwardly when he sees her overcome her awkwardness and have confidence. But by the end of the drama, she is still dressing and acting the same as in act 1. It honestly reminded me a little of Coffee Prince in that the fancy male lead is still just as enamored with his gnc woman by the end and the way she presents herself doesn't have an effect on their romantic relationship. Again, this is content catered to me as a bi & gnc woman in a relationship with a cis-het man. I often am mistaken for a man when I go out with my spouse and he's still super into me so let's normalize gnc people with gc people already it's 2021.

Anyway, if you watch romances for kisses, there's really only a couple of pecks and one nice passionate kiss and they're all in basically the last 3 eps of the series.

The last episode sucks. Stop at episode 15. Seriously. Don't watch episode 16. Why oh why do you let terrible people back in your life? Qi Ke Zhong and Ding Hui Fan are toxic and should but cut out of their lives. The end of ep 15 had a happy ending with a family-style breakfast for our two sisters with their boyfriends. Ep 16 threw in some more misunderstanding, jealousy, and separations followed by a time skip for no reason and brought back my two least favorite characters.

Anyway, I will live in my little world with Yang Duo and her sweet lawyer boyfriend Liang Zhi Hao (Ian Yim/Cyran Yan/Yan Yi En yeah, this actor has three stage names) that supports her interests and self-determination while they save money on mass transit by using his motorbike. And they build her dream home that she designs. Perhaps they put aside funds for her to pursue a degree in what she's passionate about.

[recurring-polynya]

I know I missed Renji's birthday but if you ever have time, I would absolutely love to see anything about Renji and Orihime's friendship. I always headcanon him as her no.1 weird bakery experiment supporter, but really anything would be great! They just seem like they would be each other's go-to supports and I would love to see your take on them!

Anon, I have no excuse for why this took so long! RenHime BroTP is one of my very favorite things, but I managed to draw a huge blank on this and then I went through two concepts that didn’t work before I managed to hit on one that did. (Also, I did write two other Renji & Orihime stories in the Time of Many Drabbles, one where they make a cake and one where they act out Orihime’s fanfic)

Anyway, I love the Advance Team Arc, please enjoy this Advance Team Arc story about Renji and Orihime trying to cheer Rukia up by going thrifting, ft. the all-time greatest Renji clothing item.

👖   🧥   💀

Orihime was headed outside for lunch, thinking longingly about her curry tuna fish sandwich, when a low, gravelly voice stopped her in her tracks.

“Oi, Inoue. You gotta moment?”

Abarai was leaning up against the wall of the school, his eyes scanning the school yard like he was waiting for a brawl to break out. Abarai reminded Orihime a lot of a guy in a prison movie. Not the guy that masterminded the prison break, but the guy who had the whole prison figured out and knew how to get illicit goods and would help the main guy escape even though they were sort of frenemies. Orihime found him a little bit scary, but in a cool way. They probably didn’t have motorcycles in Soul Society, but if they did, Orihime would bet money that Abarai would ride one.

“Sure!” she announced eagerly, and followed in his shadow as he silently rounded the corner of the building. He moved very quietly for such a big person, unlike Ichigo and Chad, who crashed and thumped wherever they went, especially when they went somewhere together.

“I gotta problem and I’m hopin’ you’ll be able to help me out a little.” Abarai shifted his shoulders a little, obviously uncomfortable in his school uniform.

Orihime knew all about the stresses of the undercover lifestyle. Clearly, he needed someone for an inside job, someone who knew all the subtleties of living a normal human existence. Fortunately for him, Orihime had been a normal human almost her entire life. “How can I be of assistance, Lieutenant Abarai?” she barked.

Abarai blinked at her. “Er. It’s not really mission-related. I need, um, some advice, I guess.”

Orihime set her jaw and tightened her fists. “I am short on life experience, but I have read many magazines. Ask me anything.”

Abarai waved his hands. “No! No! Look, you’re friends with Rukia, right?”

“Yes!” Orihime agreed. That was an easy one.

Abarai nodded quickly, happy to have found some firm footing at last. “The thing is, she’s been taking Ichigo’s vanishing act kinda hard.”

Orihime gave a tiny nod, her fingernails digging into her palms. The truth was, there was a dull, Ichigo-sized ache in her own heart, as well. She couldn’t stop wondering where he was and what he was up to and if he was getting good hearty lunches. She imagined it must be a thousand times worse for Rukia who had come all the way from Soul Society to just to see him.

“She gets real crabby when she’s worried,” Abarai continued on, continuing to scan the grounds, presumably for lurking Rukias. “She’s been getting on me for not having enough spare clothes for my gigai. I wouldn’t usually let her boss me around like this, but I thought it would make her feel better so I told her we could go, ah, shopping.”

“Oh, that’s so nice!” cried Orihime.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a prince. But here’s the thing: Even though Captain Hitsugaya outranks me, I am technically the mission manager, which means I’m in charge of the budget, and I’d really, really like to come out in the black. Matsumoto already conned me out of a significant portion of the petty cash. I don’t think Rukia has a real good handle on human money and I sure as hell don’t. I told Rukia that we should ask one of her friends to come along and she said she’d ask you, and I just was hoping you could help me keep things, y’know, frugal, without making a big deal about it.”

Abarai looked a little sheepish even asking. Orihime remembered the size of Rukia’s house back in Soul Society, the beautiful kimono she had worn once she was no longer a criminal. Orihime knew all about having friends who had more money than you. Her resolve hardened and slammed her fist into her open palm. “A strict budget is no reason not to look your best!” she announced. “You have come to the right person, Lieutenant Abarai! I, Inoue Orihime, Thrifting Champion of Karakura, will help you out!”

Abarai’s face washed over with relief, followed very quickly by confusion. “The what champion?” he echoed.

👖   🧥   💀

“You are a saint, Orihime!” Rukia declared as they marched down the street, arm in arm, Renji trailing grumpily a few paces behind, his hands stuffed in his pockets. “A gem! I offered to borrow something from Ichigo’s father for him, but this ingrate was having none of it.”

There was some low-pitched muttering from behind them.

Orihime was trying to picture Renji in the pink, ruffled tuxedo shirt Dr. Kurosaki had worn under his lab coat the last time he set Tatsuki’s sprained ankle. “I don’t think Dr. Kurosaki’s style would be quite right for him,” she suggested diplomatically. “I… guess… he’s supposed to be a teenager?”

Rukia heaved a sigh. “I suppose you’re correct, as usual.” She craned her head back over her shoulder for a moment. “You owe Orihime an ice cream for this, Lieutenant Hopeless!” She swung her head forward again with a huff. Renji shot Orihime a wink.

Orihime couldn’t quite figure out Rukia and Renji’s exact relationship. Rukia has described Renji as “her friend.” On one hand, she hadn’t said about the shinigami from Ten or Eleven. On the other, she called Renji a lot of rude names and harangued him a lot. Renji had seemed pretty concerned about Rukia when he had pulled Orihime aside that afternoon, but now he was all slouches and scrunchy eyebrows. He reminded Orihime of Ichigo.

Oh! Maybe there was something to that! Maybe Renji was being a grouch on purpose so that Rukia could yell at him and feel like she was yelling at Ichigo. Wow! That was some master-level friendship. Orihime wondered if she should be taking notes.

“Ah, here we are!” she exclaimed, pointing at a little, tucked away shop front.

“What sort of shop is this?” Rukia frowned, examining the cluttered store window.

“It’s a thrift store,” Orihime explained. “People sell old, but well-made clothes to the shop, and they resell them for much cheaper than new clothes. Sometimes you can find really neat vintage, designer things that a rich person only wore a few times and decided they didn’t want. Uryuu likes to look for really ugly things made from nice fabrics and then re-tailor them. I have to modify a lot of my clothes, too, because of-- well, you know.” She gestured vaguely at her chest.

“What a brilliant idea!” Rukia proclaimed. “That’s so practical! Renji, isn’t Orihime a genius?”

“I didn’t come up with the idea,” Orihime mumbled self-consciously.

“Maybe you should open a shop to sell off your brother’s spare kimono,” Renji suggested airily. He was definitely baiting Rukia now, Orihime could see it when she watched for it.

“I should!” Rukia declared, closing her eyes haughtily. “People would probably pay twice just because he wore them!”

Renji just snorted.

👖   🧥   💀

“How about these?” Rukia asked, holding up a pair of jeans. “They look like the kind Ichigo wears.”

Orihime pulled her head out of the rack of pants she was sorting through, and Renji’s head popped up from the next aisle. “Hmm,” she said, tapping her finger on her lips. She knew what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want to make Renji feel self-conscious by talking about his body and also, she didn’t want to make it obvious how much time she’d spent looking at Kurosaki’s butt. “Those are skinny jeans. Abarai is a lot, um, more muscular? than Kurosaki-kun? He would do better with a straight leg cut, I think.” She wished Uryuu were here. She didn’t know that much about men’s clothes, but she had heard him say that once while lamenting Chad’s tragic commitment to bootleg cuts.

Apparently, Rukia had no such qualms about Renji’s positive body image. “Hear that, Thunder Thighs? This is where all those squats get you.”

If this bothered Renji, he didn’t let it show. “My thighs are majestic, Rukia. Some people enjoy a guy with a little meat on his bones, for your information.”

Rukia laughed then, a sharp, amused guffaw, almost a cackle. Orihime looked up suddenly. She was sure she’d heard Rukia laugh before, but it had been a high-pitched giggle, a girlish titter. There was a gleam in the shorter woman’s eyes, and at first, Orihime thought she was being mean to Abarai, but when she glanced at him, his eyes were twinkling and he had a slight smile on his face.

Orihime got the sudden sense that she was interrupting something, although she wasn’t sure how you could interrupt someone making fun of someone else. She ducked her head and focused on rifling through the rack of pants in front of her. “How about these?” she asked, holding up a likely candidate.

“Those look pretty worn out,” Renji frowned.

“They’re distressed, Renji,” Rukia explained pompously. “It’s human fashion. They come that way. It presents the illusion of leading a rough and tough, adventurous lifestyle, even for fancy boys like you.”

“Rukia,” Renji scolded her. “Members of the Sixth Company do not walk around with their knees on display, for anyone to see.”

Rukia snorted, and Orihime suspected they were making yet another inside joke. “How’s he gonna find out? And if he does, you can just tell him you fell down the stairs, he would definitely believe that.”

“Er, here’s another pair without any holes,” Orihime offered. “They’re black.” Uryuu also had a lot of opinions on black jeans, but she was pretty sure Renji could pull them off.

“Thank you, Inoue,” Renji said, extra-graciously, reaching over the rack to accept them.

“You better try them both on!” Rukia yelled in her bossy voice. “I demand to see the forbidden knees!”

“Whatever, you’ve seen ‘em, before,” Renji muttered, but he was still smiling.

👖   🧥   💀

“Hey, Inoue!”

Orihime ducked past a rack of sweatervests, to where Renji was contemplating a leather jacket.

“Do humans still wear stuff like this? I know they were pretty popular a few decades ago.”

“Oh, yes,” Orihime agreed. “It’s a timeless look.”

Renji looked mildly shocked, but happy.

“That’s a really nice one,” Orihime added. “You should try it on.”

Renji didn’t seem like he needed a lot of encouragement to slip it over his shoulders. “I had a roommate who had one of these,” he admitted. “They look pretty dumb over a shihakushou, but Iba has never once let looking like a moron slow him down.” He grinned. “I was jealous as hell of it.”

Orihime clapped her hands. “Oh, Abarai, it looks so good on you!” It wasn’t even an exaggeration. It was black, a classic motorcycle cut, and it fit him perfectly. Orihime amended her mental movie casting of Renji: in a jacket like that, he could definitely be the protagonist of an American motorcycle movie, flicking cigarettes into the gutter and leaving a broken-hearted girl pining after him after he got run out of town for Raising Too Much Hell.

“Is it expensive?” Renji asked, holding out the sleeve with the price tag. “I don’t know what a jacket is supposed to cost.”

“It’s a very practical wardrobe staple,” Orihime advised. “Especially this time of year. It’s just starting to be jacket weather, and this will carry you through until winter, unless we have an especially cold one.” She checked the tag. “Leather jackets aren’t cheap, but this is a very good value. If you can afford it, I think it’s worth it.”

“I think I can make it work,” Renji murmured, obviously doing a bit of mental math.

“Hey, Abarai,” Orihime said, leaning forward, and keeping her voice low.

“Eh?”

“Is it going the way you planned? Do you think we’re cheering Rukia up?”

Renji opened his mouth and then closed it again. “I think we at least took her mind off him for a bit. What do you think?”

Orihime contemplated. “She seems like she’s having a good time. I think she liked looking at your butt when you were trying on pants.” Renji raised a skeptical eyebrow. To be fair, Abarai had a very nice butt. Orihime was pretty sure she still preferred Kurosaki’s butt, but it hadn’t exactly been a trial. “On the other hand, she does yell at you a lot,” Orihime said quickly. “She’s very difficult to read.”

“Yeah, I know. It takes some practice,” Renji replied. “And she hasn’t been yelling at me. You haven’t begun to see Rukia yelling at me.” He rubbed his chin. “I think we’re doing a good job. Thanks, Inoue! I couldn’t have pulled this off on my own.”

Orihime blushed. “Oh, I haven’t really done anything!”

“I think you und--”

Orihime never found out what Renji was going to say, because Rukia came skidding into the coat aisle. She was wearing a denim vest, a feather boa, and a cowboy hat, and clutching something in her hands. “Hey! Hey, Renji! Renji, I just fou...nd…” She trailed off as her eyes scanned Abarai up and down, lingering on the leather jacket. Her mouth dropped open a little.

Orihime’s eyes darted to Renji, who looked paralyzed by this development. His hand went to his hair self-consciously, his fingers getting caught in his bandana awkwardly.

If Orihime had felt like a third wheel up until this point, she realized that sometimes bicycles can be very hard to ride if you aren’t used to them, and third wheels are helpful when you’re in danger of tipping over and crashing. “Rukia, look at the jacket Renji found! He’s being waffley! Help me convince him to get it!”

Rukia came back to herself suddenly. “It fits you perfectly, you fool! Listen to Orihime.”

“I dunno,” Renji drawled, having pulled his act together as well. “It’s kinda expensive.” He started to grab another coat off the rack. It was tweed and had elbow patches. “Might keep looking for a bit.”

“No!” Rukia commanded, and Renji’s hand reflexively dropped the hanger like he’d just touched something hot. Rukia cleared her throat self-consciously. “Speaking of things that are non-negotiable, look what I found for you!!” With a flourish, she unfurled the bundle in her hands, which happened to be a t-shirt.

At first, Orihime had no idea what she was looking at. Obviously, it was a t-shirt. If she had to guess, it had been printed by a garage band full of teens that played a lot of covers and had to bum rides to their gigs. There was a drippy looking skull and some words in English. It was objectively terrible. But in a charming way.

“I love it!” Renji shouted, with far too much enthusiasm. “I don’t read English very well, though, what does it say?”

“I don’t either,” Rukia admitted. “I think this says ‘red’, though.”

“It says ‘red pineapple,’” Orihime supplied. They had just finished the unit on fruits and vegetables in English class. She had gotten a 100 on the test.

Renji and Rukia both burst into gales of laughter.

“How much is it?” Renji wheezed. “I’ll pay a million kan for it.”

“They use yen here, you buffoon,” Rukia gasped. “It’s got an orange sticker, what does that mean?”

“That means it’s on special clearance,” Orihime explained, scanning the chart hung on the wall. “100 yen.”

“Ha, ha, that’s cheap! It’s mine!”

“You were skeptical,” Rukia lectured, wagging a finger, “But I told you, didn’t I, Renji? Orihime knows what she’s doing.”

Renji wiped a tear away from his eye. “Double ice cream for Orihime,” he agreed. “What would we do without her?”

Orihime’s face felt very hot. She waved her hands frantically. “Really, I didn’t--!”

“Also, remind me what ice cream is again.”

“You dummy!”

Orihime stopped protesting. Anyone who didn’t know what ice cream was definitely needed her help.

[aboveallarescuer]

Daenerys Targaryen in A Storm of Swords vs Game of Thrones - Episode 3.4: And Now His Watch Is Ended

In this series of posts, I intend to analyze precisely how the show writers downplayed or erased several key aspects of Daenerys Targaryen’s characterization, even when they had the books to help them write her as the compelling, intelligent, compassionate, frugal, open-minded and self-critical character that GRRM created.

I want to make it clear that these posts are not primarily meant to offer a better alternative to what the show writers gave us. I understand that they had many constraints (e.g. other storylines to handle, a limited amount of time to write the scripts, budget, actors who may have asked for a certain number of lines, etc) working against them. However, considering how disrespectful the show’s ending was to Daenerys Targaryen and how the book material that they left out makes it even more ludicrous to think that she will also become a villain in A Song of Ice and Fire, I believe that these reviews are more than warranted. They are meant to dissect everything about Dany’s characterization that was lost in translation, with a lot of book evidence to corroborate my statements.

Since these reviews will dissect scene by scene, I recommend taking a look at this post because I will use its sequence to order Dany’s scenes.

This post is relevant in case you want to know which chapters were adapted in which GoT episodes (however, I didn’t make the list myself, all the information comes from the GoT Wiki, so I can’t guarantee that it’s 100% reliable).

In general, I will call the Dany from the books “Dany” and the Dany from the TV series “show!Dany”.

Scene 4

Summary: show!Dany enters Astapor and exchanges Drogon for the Unsullied. Then, she orders them to attack the masters and has Drogon burn Kraznys. At the end, she frees the Unsullied and leaves the city.

As I've explained many times in my reviews of episodes 3.1 and 3.3, the show writers have sidelined Dany's thoughts and feelings and overall motivations a lot in their adaptation of the books' events. The moment above is another example. Do we have any clue on how show!Dany is feeling in the screenshot above? Because we do in the books:

If I look back I am lost, Dany told herself the next morning as she entered Astapor through the harbor gates. She dared not remind herself how small and insignificant her following truly was, or she would lose all courage. (ASOS Daenerys III)

When it comes to this change, it's important to have in mind how the show writers (particularly Benioff) perceive Dany at this point:

Benioff: Dany is becoming more and more viable as a threat, you know, both, you know, in attaining an army and because she's the mother of these three dragons who are only gonna get more and more fearsome. (Inside the Episode, 3.4)

~

The darker moments can weigh on fans, though. The Red Wedding in particular is infamous for making many fans very upset with the books. One reader once claimed on the EW boards that there are no heroes in Martin’s novels, only victims.

Benioff: Well, that’s not true. It’s hard to think of Daenerys Targaryen as a victim.

Weiss: She started as a victim. But many heroes start as somebody who is powerless. (x)

Because show!Dany is "becoming more and more viable as a threat" in Benioff's eyes, she is no longer even acknowledged as a victim (as if one ever "stopped" being one) and her emotional expressions are flattened accordingly. In the show, expressing fear and anxiety and sorrow is restricted to either powerless victims or unhinged characters, not "badasses". In the books, on the other hand, Dany is allowed to feel a variety of emotions:

Dany fed her dragons as she always did, but found she had no appetite herself. She cried awhile, alone in her cabin, then dried her tears long enough for yet another argument with Groleo. “Magister Illyrio is not here,” she finally had to tell him, “and if he was, he could not sway me either. I need the Unsullied more than I need these ships, and I will hear no more about it.”

The anger burned the grief and fear from her, for a few hours at the least. Afterward she called her bloodriders to her cabin, with Ser Jorah. They were the only ones she truly trusted.

She meant to sleep afterward, to be well rested for the morrow, but an hour of restless tossing in the stuffy confines of the cabin soon convinced her that was hopeless. Outside her door she found Aggo fitting a new string to his bow by the light of a swinging oil lamp. Rakharo sat crosslegged on the deck beside him, sharpening his arakh with a whetstone. (ASOS Daenerys III)

On the night before she frees the Unsullied, Dany is restless. That's quite understandable - she is putting the lives of her entire retinue (which she describes as "small and insignificant" in numbers) and her child at risk to fight for the dignity of the slave soldiers. She even cries on her own, perhaps due to her guilt over the exchange of Drogon for the army. Then, she asks for the people whom she trusts to sleep in her cabin because she can't stand being alone during these hours in which there's nothing she can do but to wait and have doubts. This moment of calm before the storm is crucial because it perfectly illustrates Ned's lesson to Bran back in AGOT - by allowing us to see Dany's fear, her bravery becomes more apparent later. By allowing us to see Dany's vulnerability, we get a better sense of how difficult her narrative conflict is and her ultimate triumph feels even more hard-earned. Unfortunately, the show writers never understood any of this.

The calm before the storm is also important for this reason:

“Khaleesi. You ought to be asleep. Tomorrow will be hot and hard, I promise you. You’ll need your strength.”


“Do you remember Eroeh?” she asked him.

“The Lhazareen girl?”

“They were raping her, but I stopped them and took her under my protection. Only when my sun-and-stars was dead Mago took her back, used her again, and killed her. Aggo said it was her fate.”

“I remember,” Ser Jorah said.

“I was alone for a long time, Jorah. All alone but for my brother. I was such a small scared thing. Viserys should have protected me, but instead he hurt me and scared me worse. He shouldn’t have done that. He wasn’t just my brother, he was my king. Why do the gods make kings and queens, if not to protect the ones who can’t protect themselves?”

“Some kings make themselves. Robert did.”


“He was no true king,” Dany said scornfully. “He did no justice. Justice ... that’s what kings are for.” (ASOS Daenerys III)

This is one of the key moments of the chapter, not only because it's one of the hints of Dany's eventual breaking of the deal, but also because it highlights Dany's character development: after being a slave and witnessing what others experienced as slaves, she comes to the conclusion that she is no true queen if she doesn't fight for and protect the oppressed. There are no feudal alliances or benefits to be found here, Dany is doing this just because it's the right thing to do.

Benioff may say that the surprise attack made sense in the books because of the hints scattered across the chapter, but neither he nor Weiss seem to have considered including any of the scenes above into the TV show. More than just signaling what will happen, they are pivotal to understanding Dany's character motivations. By understanding them, the resolution of the conflict becomes obvious in retrospect. Unfortunately, they don't care enough about them to make sure that they are conveyed onscreen. As a result, the show scene begins on a much weaker foundation.

Some key details are missing in the exchange scene of the show:

Aggo went before her with his great Dothraki bow. Strong Belwas walked to the right of her mare, the girl Missandei to her left. Ser Jorah Mormont was behind in mail and surcoat, glowering at anyone who came too near. Rakharo and Jhogo protected the litter. Dany had commanded that the top be removed, so her three dragons might be chained to the platform. Irri and Jhiqui rode with them, to try and keep them calm. Yet Viserion’s tail lashed back and forth, and smoke rose angry from his nostrils. Rhaegal could sense something wrong as well. Thrice he tried to take wing, only to be pulled down by the heavy chain in Jhiqui’s hand. Drogon coiled into a ball, wings and tail tucked tight. Only his eyes remained to tell that he was not asleep.

The rest of her people followed: Groleo and the other captains and their crews, and the eighty-three Dothraki who remained to her of the hundred thousand who had once ridden in Drogo’s khalasar. She put the oldest and weakest on the inside of the column, with the nursing women and those with child, and the little girls, and the boys too young to braid their hair. The rest—her warriors, such as they were—rode outside and moved their dismal herd along, the hundred-odd gaunt horses that had survived both red waste and black salt sea. (ASOS Daenerys III)

As we can see above, in the books, Dany brings her entire retinue and organizes them in a way that makes them look more imposing to the masters; it's a detail that showcases her political skills. In the show, she is only accompanied by Jorah, Barristan and Missandei (and Drogon). The Dothraki mentioned in episode 3.1 are nowhere to be seen here.

This part is also cut:

He looked at Missandei. “Tell her they are hers ... if she can pay.”

“She can,” the girl said.

Ser Jorah barked a command, and the trade goods were brought forward. Six bales of tiger skins, three hundred bolts of fine silk. Jars of saffron, jars of myrrh, jars of pepper and curry and cardamom, an onyx mask, twelve jade monkeys, casks of ink in red and black and green, a box of rare black amethysts, a box of pearls, a cask of pitted olives stuffed with maggots, a dozen casks of pickled cave fish, a great brass gong and a hammer to beat it with, seventeen ivory eyes, and a huge chest full of books written in tongues that Dany could not read. And more, and more, and more. Her people stacked it all before the slavers.

While the payment was being made, Kraznys mo Nakloz favored her with a few final words on the handling of her troops. “They are green as yet,” he said through Missandei. “Tell the whore of Westeros she would be wise to blood them early. There are many small cities between here and there, cities ripe for sacking. Whatever plunder she takes will be hers alone. Unsullied have no lust for gold or gems. And should she take captives, a few guards will suffice to march them back to Astapor. We’ll buy the healthy ones, and for a good price. And who knows? In ten years, some of the boys she sends us may be Unsullied in their turn. Thus all shall prosper.”

Finally there were no more trade goods to add to the pile. Her Dothraki mounted their horses once more, and Dany said, “This was all we could carry. The rest awaits you on the ships, a great quantity of amber and wine and black rice. And you have the ships themselves.[”] (ASOS Daenerys III)

We do get Kraznys's advice on what to do with the Unsullied, but we don't see the exchange of the trading goods happening in the TV show. Some might consider this a minor change, but it is, nonetheless, part of an overall pattern to reduce the extent of Dany's sacrifices to save the Unsullied.

Like in the books, show!Dany also asks Kraznys if the deal is done after she hands him the dragon and is given the whip. The way that show!Dany confirms that the Unsullied are now hers is different from the books, though:

She stood in her stirrups and raised the harpy’s fingers above her head for all the Unsullied to see. “IT IS DONE!” she cried at the top of her lungs. “YOU ARE MINE!” She gave the mare her heels and galloped along the first rank, holding the fingers high. “YOU ARE THE DRAGON’S NOW! YOU’RE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR! IT IS DONE! IT IS DONE!” (ASOS Daenerys III)

~

DAENERYS: Unsullied! Forward march! Halt!

In a way, I actually like this change. That show!Dany makes a command (rather than just an announcement) that the Unsullied obey gives her (and the audience) even more assurance that they will remain faithful to her - she is being clever here.

My only quibbles are that:

In the books, Dany shouting that the deal is done and that the Unsullied are now hers is Dany making sure that they'll fight against their former masters when she offers them freedom. This ties back into her questions to Kraznys and Missandei about whether the Unsullied want (or even can) turn against their previous owners. In the show, as I said, making sure that they follow a command is a surer way to guarantee their allegiance, but it's not connected to any of the many hints that she'd eventually rebel like the moment from the books is.

In the books, we are supposed to be unsure about whether the Unsullied would take Dany's side or not (and it's important that we don't know until the very end), but I'll get to that in a second.

Another change is that, in the books, her advisors do not look surprised when they see her speaking to the Unsullied (we witness Missandei's surprise earlier in the chapter), only one of the masters do (while the others are too distracted to pay attention):

She glimpsed old Grazdan turn his grey head sharply. He hears me speak Valyrian. The other slavers were not listening. They crowded around Kraznys and the dragon, shouting advice. Though the Astapori yanked and tugged, Drogon would not budge off the litter. Smoke rose grey from his open jaws, and his long neck curled and straightened as he snapped at the slaver’s face. (ASOS Daenerys III)

While we're at it, remember how I mentioned in my reviews of 3.1 and 3.3 that the show writers tend to center on show!Jorah's perspective and make it the one we're supposed to relate to?

Like in episode 3.3, his reactions were conceived to mirror those of first-time viewers (and Benioff's):

“It’s a hallmark of a number of scenes in [A Storm of Swords] where, in retrospect, I should have seen it coming because George laid out all the pieces, he had given you all the clues,” Benioff said. “The best kind of surprises aren’t the ones that come out of nowhere. The best ones are where after you see it you’re asking yourself, ‘Why didn’t I see that was coming?’ I remember reading [Dany planning to give up Drogon to the slaver] and thinking, ‘Oh, this is kind of disappointing.’ When the real plan was revealed I think I even called [Weiss]. This was before we had met with George, when we were still trying to figure out if this show was possible. The culmination of that scene was one of those moments when we were like, ‘We got to make this f–king show.’ It was very gratifying seeing that wish fulfilled … I think it will be one of the most staggering things ever put on television.” (x)

It is, of course, problematic to prioritize the perspective of a male slaver over that of the female revolutionary who is the POV character in the books. It's also sad to see, even early on, that her male advisors were given priority over her. It just wasn't as noticeable because, despite everything, we were still supposed to be on her side rather than torn between her and her male advisors.

Like in the books, Drogon won't obey Kraznys, which leads Dany to tell him that "a dragon is no slave". Then, the sequence of events change.

In the books, Dany makes that statement, hits Kraznys in the face with the whip (as a payback for his whipping of the slaves and everything else he did in the previous chapter) and has Drogon breathe fire on him immediately after:

And Dany swept the lash down as hard as she could across the slaver’s face. Kraznys screamed and staggered back, the blood running red down his cheeks into his perfumed beard. The harpy’s fingers had torn his features half to pieces with one slash, but she did not pause to contemplate the ruin. “Drogon,” she sang out loudly, sweetly, all her fear forgotten. “Dracarys.” (ASOS Daenerys III)

Chaos ensues in the Plaza. The masters shove one another as they attempt to escape, Viserion and Rhaegal are unchained (which doesn't happen in the show) and Dany's bloodriders and Belwas defeat the Astapori guards before they can do anything to help. Meanwhile, the Unsullied remain still. The master who heard Dany speaking Valyrian tries to order the Unsullied to attack her in vain:

“Unsullied! Defend us, stop them, defend your masters! Spears! Swords!”

When Rakharo put an arrow through his mouth, the slaves holding his sedan chair broke and ran, dumping him unceremoniously on the ground. The old man crawled to the first rank of eunuchs, his blood pooling on the bricks. The Unsullied did not so much as look down to watch him die. Rank on rank on rank, they stood.

And did not move. The gods have heard my prayer. (ASOS Daenerys III)

This is why I said it was important that we didn't know that the Unsullied would be on Dany's side or not until the very end of the chapter. Not only that intensifies the tension, it also highlights that Dany's leap of faith ultimately paid off because the Unsullied were still willing to fight for their freedom. Kraznys might have said that they no longer had any desire of their own and weren't even worthy to be called men anymore, but the narrative ultimately proves him wrong: there is still enough strength of will in them to fight for their dignity. So, when the chapter closes on this note:

“Unsullied!” Dany galloped before them, her silver-gold braid flying behind her, her bell chiming with every stride. “Slay the Good Masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who wears a tokar or holds a whip, but harm no child under twelve, and strike the chains off every slave you see.” She raised the harpy’s fingers in the air ... and then she flung the scourge aside. “Freedom!” she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

“Dracarys!” they shouted back, the sweetest word she’d ever heard. “Dracarys! Dracarys!” And all around them slavers ran and sobbed and begged and died, and the dusty air was filled with spears and fire. (ASOS Daenerys III)

It is all the more impactful because it reinforces that the Unsullied willingly took the opportunity that they were given to fight for their rights.

On HBO, after show!Dany says that "a dragon is not a slave", she doesn't attack Kraznys with the whip nor does she burn him via Drogon. Instead, this is what happens:

KRAZNYS: You speak Valyrian?

DAENERYS: I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, of the blood of Old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue.

As @mytly4​ explains here, Dany's mother tongue in the books is not Valyrian in the books, but rather the Common Tongue of Westeros. My guess is that this mistake was made simply because they wanted to make it clear that show!Dany is sassy and completely outsmarted Kraznys. Don't get me wrong, I love to see Dany being a badass, but it was still a change made overlooking her characterization (which, sadly, is the pattern for the show writers).

Then, she orders the Unsullied to kill the masters and has Drogon burn Kraznys:

DAENERYS: Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains off every slave you see!

KRAZNYS: I am your master! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

DAENERYS: Dracarys.

The change in the order of events is a problem here. As I just explained, the books make this moment about the Unsullied: when they refused to obey and then responded to Dany's order, it meant that they decided to fight for themselves. On the other hand, in the show, Dany gives the Unsullied the order before their former master attempts to have them obey him once more, so their act of defiance from the books:

The Unsullied did not so much as look down to watch him die. Rank on rank on rank, they stood.

And did not move. The gods have heard my prayer. (ASOS Daenerys III)

Is impossible to happen in the show. This change makes the show scene culminate in this point:

DAENERYS: Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains off every slave you see!

KRAZNYS: I am your master! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

DAENERYS: Dracarys.

When it should have culminated in this one:

“Unsullied! Defend us, stop them, defend your masters! Spears! Swords!”

When Rakharo put an arrow through his mouth, the slaves holding his sedan chair broke and ran, dumping him unceremoniously on the ground. The old man crawled to the first rank of eunuchs, his blood pooling on the bricks. The Unsullied did not so much as look down to watch him die. Rank on rank on rank, they stood.

And did not move. The gods have heard my prayer.

“Unsullied!” Dany galloped before them, her silver-gold braid flying behind her, her bell chiming with every stride. “Slay the Good Masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who wears a tokar or holds a whip, but harm no child under twelve, and strike the chains off every slave you see.” She raised the harpy’s fingers in the air ... and then she flung the scourge aside. “Freedom!” she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

“Dracarys!” they shouted back, the sweetest word she’d ever heard. “Dracarys! Dracarys!” And all around them slavers ran and sobbed and begged and died, and the dusty air was filled with spears and fire. (ASOS Daenerys III)

To summarize what's happening above:

Books: Master Grazdan tries to get the Unsullied to his side, but they choose not to => Dany commands the Unsullied to attack the masters => Dany says dracarys and the Unsullied shout it back

Show: Show!Dany commands the Unsullied to attack the masters => Kraznys tries to get the Unsullied to his side => Show!Dany says dracarys

As I just said, it was important that Dany would give the Unsullied the order to attack the masters only after they decided to not remain on the masters' side - this reinforces that the scene is not only about Dany, but also about the Unsullied's newfound agency. On HBO, the scene where show!Dany gives them the order happens before Kraznys tries to have them to get them to his side, so it becomes less about them and simply serves as a buildup to Dany saying dracarys and burning him.

Speaking of dracarys, as one can see in the quote above, the word is associated with freedom in the books. This intertwines Dany's mhysa identity (the part of Dany that wants to protect the freedmen and give them freedom) with her mother of dragons identity (the part of Dany that birthed the dragons and said dracarys). That's only fitting since, as @yendany​ said to me in a conversation, Dany was acting as mhysa way before she was hailed as one. On HBO, dracarys will be remembered simply as the word that show!Dany used to burn Kraznys (which happens in the books, of course, but the most relevant part is cut). Changing the order of the events overfocuses on show!Dany's "capacity for cruelty" (as Weiss puts it) which was not the point in the books.

Also, as @yendany​ notes in this meta, many of Dany's servants were seen actively helping her during the slave revolt. In the show, their roles are transferred to the Unsullied while her entourage reacts to the events passively and seemingly with apprehension:

While partly triumphant, the song "Dracarys" also hits dark notes that signal show!Dany's so called "capacity for cruelty", which is not at all supposed to be the purpose of the scene in the books. There, the author cuts the action in the middle of it because the point is not to highlight the violence and how ~wrong~ it is, but rather the adrenaline one feels in the midst of a successful and rightful slave rebellion. These statements from Frederick Douglass that GRRM recently posted in Not A Blog only further strengthen this reading:

“Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.

~

“Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe.”

On HBO, on the other hand, having show!Dany order the Unsullied to attack earlier leads to the audience witnessing the slaughter of more people than in the books (which cuts the action). Again, this deviates from the main thematic intent of the scene. That's not to say that Dany did things perfectly in Astapor - we'll see negative consequences on ASOS Daenerys VI, when we find out that her council was deposed for the sake of the Butcher King. Here, however, Dany is doing the right thing. One can still interpret the show scene as such, don't get me wrong, but it rubs me the wrong way that the show writers would rather talk about this scene as one that indicates show!Dany's "capacity for cruelty" or how she is "becoming more and more viable as a threat". Also, in light of the show's ending, the scene becomes even worse: because show!Dany is killing Ghiscari characters, the show asks us to root for her. When she eventually kills Westerosi characters, on the other hand, she (and the Unsullied and the Dothraki) will be the villains.

*

DAENERYS: You have been slaves all your life. Today you are free. Any man who wishes to leave may leave, and no one will harm him. I give you my word. Will you fight for me? As free men?

This part of the scene was an addition from the show writers. It's a good one on its own. To begin on a positive note, we see show!Dany explicitly freeing the Unsullied, promising that none of them is forced to stay with her and wanting them to fight for her because they want to fight for her. This erases any doubt that show!Dany didn't free show!Missandei in the previous episode (which didn't show Dany immediately freeing her like in the books).

That being said, there are still issues when you compare what happens in the final scene of the episode with what happens in canon. In the books, as I said, the Unsullied are seen willingly rebelling against their former masters when they ignore Grazdan's order. In the show, while this final scene still features the Unsullied making their own choices, it doesn't have the same impact because they weren't shown choosing a different path even when they had another one just as viable (similar to how the negotiation scene on HBO took away show!Dany's alternatives and undermined her altruism).

One could argue that there was another viable path in the show scene too: they could have left. However, considering that the option of staying with your master (which is the one the books presented) would be much easier and that the books deliberately complicate how much of a choice the former slaves really have even after being freed ... I would say that the scene does lose part of the impact. In other words:

Books: Do I stay with my former masters? VS Do I fight for my freedom?

Show: Do I stay as a freedman with Dany? VS Do I leave?

One dilemma is about their freedom, the other is about whether they join Dany or not. This change ties back into others I've addressed in previous episodes, namely how the show writers have overfocused on Dany's need to get an army.

Second, I don't like that it's implied that show!Dany leaves Astapor in the same day that she sacked it (she's still wearing the same clothes she wore during the sack of Astapor and it's evening). It gives weight to the superficial read (that ignores her entire characterization, of course) that she primarily wanted an army and freeing the slaves was convenient. In the books, I highly doubt that she left in the same day. Since we know that she left the city with a new government, she must have spent some time there choosing (or letting the freedmen choose) which freedmen she would support as the new leaders:

Dany had left Astapor in the hands of a council of former slaves led by a healer, a scholar, and a priest. Wise men all, she thought, and just. (ASOS Daenerys IV)

We'll find out in episode 4.5 that show!Dany did the same thing, sure, but, on its own, the scene makes it seem that she just sacked the city and left.

Third, we don't see the Astapori freedmen following her like in the books:

Yet even so, tens of thousands preferred to follow her to Yunkai, rather than remain behind in Astapor. I gave them the city, and most of them were too frightened to take it. (ASOS Daenerys IV)

For all the show writers will say that they cared about showing the viewpoint of the lowborn when they had show!Dany burn King's Landing, they sure as hell didn't care about it before.

Fourth, I've seen people argue that the timing of show!Dany's rejection of the whip means that she is doing what she's doing for self-interest. In their opinion, she should have discarded it before she had the Unsullied attack the masters and before she asked them to fight for her. That's another stupid misreading that would have been easily fixed if the show writers had had show!Dany use the whip against the master and thrown it away earlier like in the books.

Fifth, it's certainly gorgeous to see the dragons at the end of the scene, but it also makes me resentful considering that the show writers think Dany is overdependent on them and her advisors (so much so that they thought that she had to learn to be self-reliant in season two):

Weiss: This whole season is really the season where Dany learns the lesson of self-reliance, she's never, it's a very painful lesson for her to learn, I mean, she's lost all her people, she's lost her husband, she's lost her bloodriders. The temptation for her has always been to lean on someone else, a man of one kind or another. So, I think for her, what she's learning in this episode, especially, is that she can't trust in other people, ultimately, she ends up in a place where she needs to do things for herself and she needs to do things that nobody in the world could possibly do, except her.

Benioff: Dany is so defined by her dragons, they're so much a part at this point, they define her so much that when they're taken from her, it's almost like she reverts to the pre-dragon Daenerys, you know, everyone is a bit defined by who they were when they were an adolescent, you know, no matter how old you get, no matter how powerful you get, and Daenerys was a scared, timid, abused adolescent and I think when her dragons are taken for her, all those feelings, all those memories and emotions are triggered and come back and all the confidence that she's won over the last several months, it's as if that just evaporates and she's back to being a really frightened little girl. (Inside the Episode, 2.6)

None of this, of course, is true in the books, hence why I've been writing a series of metas to show how Dany's choices and actions are her own. Heck, even in this episode, the dragons barely play a role. Drogon was the bait, sure, but Dany's plan was all hers.

While one can appreciate the final scene simply for what it is, it's important to have in mind that it is informed by the misconception that Dany is "nothing without her dragons".

My comments on the Inside the Episode 3.4

Weiss: We never really got this, a sense of her capacity for cruelty. She's surrounded by people who are terrible people, but haven't done anything to her personally, and it's interesting to me that, as the sphere of her empathy widens, the sphere of her cruelty widens as well.

Benioff: I think she becomes harder to dismiss, you know, for a long time people have been saying, even if she was alive, you know, really, the only threat she poses is her name, she's a Targaryen, great, but she's a little girl in the edge of the world, so she's starting to knock on people's doors a little bit.

Weiss: All at once she becomes a major force to be reckoned with, she spent a lot of time kind of banging her fists on the doors and declaring that she was owed the Iron Throne by right, but now she's stepped in her own as a conqueror.

Benioff: Dany is becoming more and more viable as a threat, you know, both, you know, in attaining an army and because she's the mother of these three dragons who are only gonna get more and more fearsome.

Weiss: I've already written on how the dichotomy of mhysa and mother of dragons doesn't actually exist in the way people like Weiss talk about. In fact as I said above, this scene in Astapor actually merges these two identities. Also, while I was complaining to @rainhadaenerys​ about what D&D were saying, she called attention to how stupid it is that he is saying that show!Dany is cruel for harming people who "haven't done anything to her personally". This informs the show's framing of the Starks taking Winterfell back or show!Sansa's killing of Ramsay or show!Arya's killing of the Freys as "righteous" while show!Dany's pursuit of the Iron Throne was seen as "bad".

Benioff: His observation about the episode showing how "Dany is becoming more and more viable as a threat" misses the point because, in the books, the scene is not framed negatively in a way that makes us focus on and/or question the violence. Instead, it is framed triumphantly as the Unsullied get to make their own choices and Dany's draconic force is associated with freedom. Also, it's infuriating that he thought that "the only threat she poses is her name, she's a Targaryen" until the sack of Astapor, for we already had lots of moments in which Dany displayed her intelligence and political skills before it happened.

Show!Dany’s clothes

This is what Dany wears in the exchange scene:

Today she rode her silver, clad in horsehair pants and painted leather vest, a bronze medallion belt about her waist and two more crossed between her breasts. Irri and Jhiqui had braided her hair and hung it with a tiny silver bell whose chime sang of the Undying of Qarth, burned in their Palace of Dust. (ASOS Daenerys III)

I appreciate how the single bell is mentioned to indicate Dany's confidence:

“Drogon,” she sang out loudly, sweetly, all her fear forgotten. “Dracarys.”

~

“Unsullied!” Dany galloped before them, her silver-gold braid flying behind her, her bell chiming with every stride. “Slay the Good Masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who wears a tokar or holds a whip, but harm no child under twelve, and strike the chains off every slave you see.” She raised the harpy’s fingers in the air ... and then she flung the scourge aside. “Freedom!” she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”  (ASOS Daenerys III)

It will be mentioned again in the next chapter (where she will have one more bell after her victory in Astapor) when she is talking to the mercenaries and when she rides to meet her children:

“They will not hurt me,” she told him. “They are my children, Jorah.” She laughed, put her heels into her horse, and rode to them, the bells in her hair ringing sweet victory. (ASOS Daenerys IV)

Not only the bells give Dany confidence (the way her Targaryen heritage does) in ASOS, they also come up in these moments in which she is embracing her mhysa identity by giving her people the agency they didn't have. This is very fitting; as this meta notes:

Khal Drogo is, admittedly, a surprising model for a lefty revolutionary to pattern herself on, but I think the important thing is less his example, and more that he and his khalasar provided her with a new set of rules to explore herself within. Knowing them gave her permission to live among her people, putting on the face she needed to guide them to safety, and to allow herself to be called upon through a criteria other than blood and birthright.

While it's true that the Dothraki culture is rooted in violence and misogyny, it's also true that it helped to shape Dany's sense of equality. That's why it's appropriate that the bells are ringing in these moments from ASOS and will ring once again in TWOW. As @yendany​ aptly said to me, Dany gave up on being both mhysa and mother of dragons when she allied herself with the slavers (even if she thought she was doing the right thing for the freedmen). On the other hand, by re-embracing her Dothraki roots and her identity as the mother of dragons, Dany will be able to truly protect her children and be their mhysa.

On HBO, show!Dany is still wearing the blue dress, this time with a cape:

I couldn't find any interview from Clapton or anyone else explaining why that cape was added. @rainhadaenerys​'s guess is that she wanted to have show!Dany look like a superhero, which is a good one, though it's questionable since she couldn't remember show!Dany having ever done anything that is not necessarily for personal gain until season seven.

What actually impressed (and delighted) me was to realize how show!Dany's and show!Missandei's outfits are made to resemble each other starting from this episode until the end of the series:

I'm not sure how these similarities were designed to tie into show!Dany's characterization since both the show writers and Clapton misunderstand the character she's based off. That being said, if you choose to not take their word into consideration (and that's more than possible, considering the vast amount of show canon evidence that there is to support show!Dany in the last season), I would say that they highlight how show!Dany, like her book counterpart, also desires equality for everyone.

[duker42]

💜The Tea Shop Part 2💜 Levi x Reader

Part 1 Here!

Levi’s POV:

Y/N trailed behind me out of the shop, griping Harry’s small hand in a comforting way. I look back to see Y/N smile. “Okay! Harry, we need to get you some new clothes and get you cleaned up.” The boy looked up at her, confused. “New clothes? I’ve never had them before.” The look that flashes across her face speaks to her compassion. I notice small tears build up in her eyes. She shakes her head, as if to clear memories from it. I watch her, fascinated.

Walking into a nearby shop, Y/N quickly purchased a new set of clothes and shoes to fit the boy. The boy walks out, proudly holding the box as he questions Y/N. “Why couldn’t I wear them now?” Her clear, bright laughter filled the air. “Harry, you need a very good scrubbing before you put on clean clothes. You look worse than I do after an expedition!” His small giggle warmed warmed my heart, but I grimace, she usually is a dirty brat when we come back into the walls.

“Oi, come on. I know a bath house where we can clean the kid.” I hear myself offer as I turn and walk away. Upon reaching the establishment, I walk in and ask for a private bathing room and towels. After being shown to the bathing room, I remove my jacket and roll my sleeves. I start getting the tub ready while Y/N convinced Harry that he needed this bath and no one was going to hurt him. I think back to my own childhood and frown as I prepare to scrub this dirty urchin.

Coaxing the young child into the bath was hard, but once he hit the water, he played and rubbed the bubbles on himself, giggling. Y/N’s soft smile, almost motherly, took me by surprise. She seemed to actually care about the boy’s well being. “What do you plan to do once the boy is clean Y/N? You can’t take him back to HQ.” I murmured while scrubbing Harry’s hair for the forth time. “I have a place he can go, he will be well taken care of, Captain.” She replied, breaking eye contact with me.

Y/N’s POV:

The Captain looks a bit startled at my reply. I brace myself for the barrage of questions, but hearing none, I look up to see the handsome raven haired man just looking at me. Sighing, I give in to the unspoken demand of his eyes. “I grew up quite wealthy. I was raised by my uncle, who had no children, when my parents died. He never seemed to care for me, besides making sure my needs were met. He just needed me to keep the family money, I guess. I was free to go and do as I pleased. I spent a lot of time roaming the streets of Sina. One day I met my best friend, Sven. He was an orphan that was running away from those disgusting places they kept quote ‘unwanted brats’. He saved me from getting the shit beat out of me by a group of older kids. I realize now that I could have very easily have been just like Sven, if I didn’t have my Uncle. I brought Sven home with me and snuck him into the house. It was a month before it was discovered, and in that time, we had bonded like brother and sister. He had planned to join the Scouts when he was of age, wanted to venture beyond the walls. He taught me how to defend myself, how to spot liars, and how to believe in myself. We were going to take on the world together and defeat the titans. God, we were so naive.” I look at Harry, his hair starting shine under the Captain’s scrubbing. Levi pulls the drain plug on the tub to release the dirty water. Refilling it, he begins to scrub the little boys body, washing the grime from him. Piercing me with his stormy grey eyes, he motions for me to continue. “When my uncle found out some quote ‘street rat’ was staying in his home, he went berserk. He sent Sven back to that hellish orphanage, and no amount of begging or crying would change his mind. He locked me in my room for a week as punishment. When I finally got out of there, I found out that he.....had been beaten to death by the caretakers. I was devastated.” Tears began to fall as I looked away from the boy being scrubbed by my fierce Captain.

“I later found out that he had been beaten to death for stopping the caretaker from violating one of the little girls there. She told me how Sven had saved her that night. When my uncle died, I took my family fortune and I bought the orphanage. I had the caretakers thrown in jail, and proceeded to set it up the way I thought it should be. A loving environment, safe, where children can grow up without worrying about being abused or hungry. Harry, here, will have a chance, a chance that Sven never had. And I joined the Scouts, fulfilling his dream, our dream, of traveling outside the walls.” I stop as I feel a hand grasp my chin, turning my head back towards his penetrating gaze. “You are a good person, Y/N. Most people in Sina would turn a blind eye to cruelty of the world. You are striving to make a change within these shitty walls. That is no small task.” I feel myself blush profusely at his praise.

“There, the brat is somewhat clean. Could use another scrubbing...” Levi grumbles as he releases the bathtub drain for the last time. I snort with laughter as he gives me a hard look. “Captain, the poor boy is raw right now. Let his skin recover!” Huffing, he lifts Harry out of the tub, wrapping him in a large clean towel. The moment Harry’s feet hit the ground, he sprints over to the bench where the packages are waiting. “Y/N! Can I wear my new clothes now???” The little scamp grins as he looks up at me with puppy eyes. “Yes, Harry, lets get you dressed and then we will go to see your new home.” His little eyes widen in excitement and fear as he gleefully rips into the package to pull out his stiff new clothes. Helping him get dressed, I listen to him exclaim over every new item as the Captain cleans up and puts his outfit back to rights.

Leaving the bathhouse, I lead the two down familiar streets until we come to a large private estate, a fence surrounding the property. “This is where I am going to stay???” Harry’s eyes widen as he takes in the large stone front of the house and giggling children running around in the sunshine.

Levi’s POV:

I take in the obvious wealth that comes with an estate like this. It’s like a home Isabel would have wanted to burglarize when we came to the surface. I watch as Y/N goes to the side gate, walking through confidently. There are several kids, running and laughing in the sunshine, lighthearted and free. I follow behind as I push Harry through gently. Looking at how Y/N carried herself and how frugal she was with her Scout’s pay, no one would ever believe she had grown up in this house. Walking through the garden, a woman around Y/N’s age met us at a table where she was setting out afternoon snacks for the kids. “Y/N! We weren’t expecting you today! What a lovely surprise!” The gentle woman greets Y/N warmly as she rushes over to pull her in for a quick hug. “Sandra, you look as lovely as ever! How is everyone?” Y/N smiles fondly as the lady is quick to look behind her and see Harry and I. “Everyone is fantastic. I see you have brought us a new addition to our happy home. Have you also brought a beau by?” She coyly asks. My eyes widen slightly at the idea of courting Y/N. “Sandra! No this is my squad leader, Captain Levi. Captain Levi, this is headmistress Sandra. She oversees the orphanage for me. This young man beside him is Harry. We became friends this morning. Harry, please come say hi to a friend of mine.” Harry came forward shyly, but quickly warmed up to the effervescent woman. I nod and say a quick hello as I take in the obvious closeness between the two women.

Staying for tea time, I listen as Sandra and Y/N caught up on the happenings around the orphanage. One of the older children, a girl named Andrea, was adopted last week and seemed to be settling in nicely with her new family. “When will the next home check be, Sandra?” I hear as I stir my fresh cup of tea. I shift in my seat as my interest is piqued. I have never heard of such a thing. Home visits? Checking on the kids after they left the orphanage? This is really showing the true nature of Y/N and the people she put in charge. “We will make a surprise visit in two weeks, Y/N. Don’t worry, the Andersons are a wonderful couple. They were never able to have children of their own, so they sought us out. Andrea is in a good home.” A knowing look flashes across Sandra’s face as she watches the children playing in the garden. Harry has quickly taken to the new kids, running around with them. I clear my throat before asking “Sandra is the girl that Sven saved, isn’t she?” “Yes, I am Captain Levi. You are a very perceptive man.” She smiles. “I see why she likes you.” Sputtering, Y/N chokes on her tea, turning red from embarrassment and the lack of air. I calmly lean over and whack her on the back a few times, my face neutral but my heart racing.

After saying goodbye to Harry, we make our way off the grounds, walking silently on the streets. Glancing over at Y/N, she seems reluctant to start a conversation with me, shy from the previous conversations revelations. “I need to find a new tea shop, Y/N. Would you like to accompany me?” I ask as I cut my eyes over to her, watching. Smiling brightly, she hooks her arm around mine. “Lead the way, sir!”

“Try not to ruin this one Y/N.”

“No promises....”

The End.

Mobile MasterList

[metalbatandzenko]

All of them. All the questions.

oof

1. Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

I have sliding doors on my closet so it’s one open one closed.

2. Do You Have Freckles?

Nope!

3. Can You Whistle?

Nope (:

4. Last Song You Listened To.

I...don’t remember lmao, I think it was 6 Inch by Beyonce

5. What Is Your Favorite Color?

I don’t know if I have one tbh.

6. Relationship Status.

Currently juggling seven reply guys bc rona has everyone acting out of line, but single.

7. What Is The Temperature Right Now?

46º

8. Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes sdkjfhdlkf

9. How Many Followers?

215.

10. Zodiac Sign.

Aries/Aries/Cancer.

11. What Is Your Eye Color?

Brown.

12. Take A Vitamin Daily?

No.

13. Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yes, usually it’s Mitski or songs from musicals because you know. Former theater kid.

14. What Books Are You Reading?

The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.

15. Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“As in earlier days” from the poem The Walk by Thomas Hardy

16. Favorite Anime?

OPM is the only anime I watch. Being Japanese American and fem aligned means having. Not great associations with anime tbh.

17. Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried in front of someone

WAIT YES I DO

It was November 23rd and my little cousin and I watched Over the Garden Wall. Both of us cried at the end.

18. Do You Collect Anything?

I have a knife collection and an old rock collection from when I was younger. I also unintentionally have a major makeup collection. My lipstick collection is borderline embarrassing. In my defense it started in 7th grade.

19. What Did You Have For Lunch?

I uh. I didn’t have lunch skfjhdsljfh

20. Do You Dance In The Car?

I do!

21. Favorite Animal?

Dude I fucking love crows.

22. Do You Watch The Olympics?

Some of them! My mom was really athletic growing up (as in one of those kids that plays a sport every season in high school), so she watches a lot of them. We tend to watch figure skating (which I know little about but have strong opinions on), gymnastics, synchronized swimming, track, and judo.

23. What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Usually I’m in bed by 11 but I don’t go to sleep until 2am. Recently I’ve been getting to sleep at 7am.

24. Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

It is currently three in the morning so no akslkjsahd

25. Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Ocean. I grew up in Northern California near the coast, and now I’m in a landlocked state. And you can kind of feel it, you know? The air doesn’t smell like salt and redwoods, the mountains aren’t there to hold up the sky so you just feel it pressing down on your chest. I miss the ocean.

26. Favorite Tumblr Blog?

I don’t know if I have a favorite. erikkillmongerdontpullout is funny and insightful, and I love dostoevskydocs’ poetry compilations.

27. Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

I grew up somewhere with access to really good tap water, so I’ll go with that.

28. What Makes You Happy?

Writing, spending time with friends, the feeling of dappled sunlight through the tree canopy.

29. Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

30. Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

With :)

31. Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs but I love cats too!

32. If You Were A Crayon What Color Would You Be?

Moss green!

33. PlayStation Or Xbox.

Xbox.

34. Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Ocean. I don’t trust lakes.

35. Do You Believe In Magic?

I believe in the supernatural, I don’t know if magic’s the right word. It’s more like a belief that there’s something more to the world than what we’re able to perceive. 

36. What Color Shirt Are You Wearing?

Charcoal grey.

37. Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes! I can also make my tongue into a clover.

38. Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

A bit of both. I can be pretty frugal when I’m by myself but I inherited the need to pay for everything for my friends from my mom, so if my friends are around, I will try to muscle my way into paying for everything. This is usually unsuccessful bc my friends are in the same boat.

39. Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yes. I’ve got a pink water bottle on my bedstand.

40. Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

I mean. OPM lkjshdflkjdh I’ve been hyperfixating on it, but I also am pretty obsessed with OTGW (I have been for years).

41. Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No but I’ve had a few land on me.

42. Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Depends on the person. Overall, I’d say no, but my friends have significant sway over me.

43. Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yes.

44. Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I actually do. But only for short flights. Anything longer than 4 hours makes my body really hurt.

45. Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Moana.

46. Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds!

47. If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Orville Peck or Carseat Headrest.

48. Are You A Picky Eater?

Nope!

49. Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yeah.

50. Do You Fear Thunder/Lightning?

No, I actually love them. I sleep best when it’s thundering.

51. Do You Like To Read/Write?

Yes to both. I’m a Creative Writing major so dkljfhljkdf

52. Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yeah! Though not as loud as some people, my ears are sensitive.

53. Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents. I’m not a big fan of the smell of pumpkin, and wrapping presents is a tradition for my mom, brother and I. We’d put on some music, drink some hot chocolate, and wrap as many as possible. Then my brother and I would smuggle some wrapping paper to our rooms and wrap our mom’s gift.

54. Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Somebody that I Used to Know-Gotye (listen the song still slaps)

55. What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winter/Spring transition. It hailed for 15 minutes straight yesterday.

56. What Are You Craving Right Now?

A popeyes 5 piece spicy chicken meal with fries and ranch. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

57. Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

I don’t wanna.

58. What Is Your Gender?

Nonbinary, but vaguely girl adjacent. 

59. Coffee Or Tea?

I think coffee. I drink more tea, but I also drink exclusively green tea and chai (like the traditional chai made with milk not the chai teabags) and I really am not a black/white/earl grey tea person.

60. Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

OOF Yeah I do

I’ve got a thousand word readers response to “The Other Boat” by E. M. Foster, a one thousand word journal about WWI, a reflective journal check in and a powerpoint I have to make for Sense and Sensibility for Brit Lit and I also am tutoring a few of my classmates

In my biological anthropology class I’ve got a Unit Exam and a few lectures to watch

For my internship/Teachers Assistant position I’ve got 17 10 page rough drafts to read and give in depth comments on as well as a portfolio I have to assemble for next year’s TA bc I’m transferring, phone meetings with the 17 students who wrote those rough drafts, and I’ve gotta compile some resources for my professor

I need to finish my memoir for my independent study and I have to present. my nonfiction memoir. to my classmates. on Zoom. I’m one of two people doing a nonfiction memoir for their independent study the rest are doing fiction, poetry or a literary analysis paper so like. My classmates are gonna be talking about their fiction piece and then I’m gonna be giving a 15 minute reading and Q&A about a piece that focuses on my trauma and being hate crimed so that’s fun.

I also gotta get some stuff done for my school’s lit magazine.

61. What Is Your Sexuality?

A known bisexual™

62. Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

I try to but I forget.

63. Favorite Pokémon?

Togepi, Blissey and Togekiss.

64. Favorite Social Media?

I hate to say it but it’s tumblr.

65. What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

If it’s longer than six stories, I’m not watching it. Unless I know they’re gonna be fun or we’re really close then I will.

66. Do You Get Homesick?

A bit. I’m still really homesick for my hometown tbh because that’s where all my family except for my parents are. I’m really close with my extended family, so being isolated from them feels like there’s an emptiness at my side.

67. Are You A Virgin?

No.

68. What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Redken Frizz Dismiss. I got those big fucking bottles you can get at Ulta where it’s like a gallon of shampoo so I haven’t had to buy any in over a year.

69. If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I’ve slept in my car before and I will do so again most likely. Also $60 is too much to spend for a motel room.

70. Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes. Though I’m much closer to my mom than my dad.

71. Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Idk shit about movies tbh.

72. Do You Miss Your Ex?

One of them yes, the others no. But the one I miss I also acknowledge is someone who had their place in my life at the time and helped me through some rough shit, but no longer has a place in my life. I appreciate the hell out of him though, and we’re on good terms.

73. What Is Your Favorite Quote Right Now?

I’ve got two!

“I don’t know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth” –Ophelia, Hamlet

and

"Suffering feels religious if you do it right." –Chelsea Hodson

74.  What Eye Color Do You Find Sexiest?

Brown. Especially the almost black-brown eyes.

75. Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Yes to both.

76. What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Chocolate covered pretzels ljhflfsd

77. What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Toon Blast and 2048.

78. Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Holy shit I hate this question. Yes, of course I would. I don’t know why mentioning that the person is homeless is relevant. Homeless people are not somehow less worthy of CPR?? What the fuck.

79. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

...yes

80. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I’ve briefly skimmed over someone’s page after meeting them but I don’t lurk.

81. Do You Like Meeting New People?

Depends on my mood.

82. Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I hate my hands so this was pushing it.

83. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed.

84. What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Corrected papers, walked my dog, did some writing.

85. What Do You Wear To Bed?

T-shirt and shorts.

86. List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Dude I can’t do that I have too many, I’ve been buying makeup for 7 years and I used to work next to a sephora

My makeup routine pre-rona was:

Sephora brand moisturizer

Milk Hydrogrip primer

Fenty Pro Filtr Hydrating Foundation

Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer

Anastasia Brow Definer

Glossier Cloud Paint

Fenty Sunstalkr Bronzer

Fenty Liquid Flyliner

Fenty Flypencil

Fenty Full Frontal Mascara

Fenty Glossbomb

It’s...an expensive routine.

87. Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night to early morning.

88. List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

I answered this one and I don’t want to reanswer it tbh ldkjfhds

89. Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I genuinely can’t remember any of my dreams right now. I remember a snippet of one where I was in a cave and I looked at the wall and I could see water running down it, reflecting in the torchlight but that’s literally it.

90. Favorite Soda Drink?

I’m a big pomegranate person, so Italian soda’s my go to.

91. What Sounds Are Your Favorite?

The sizzle of meat hitting a hot wok, rain, hail, thunder, the crunch of dry leaves. I also love the sound of Simone de Rochefort’s laugh. It’s so good.

92. Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans.

93. How Do You Look Right Now?

Shitty.

94. Name Something That Relaxes You.

Skyrim ldskjfhd

95. What Tattoo Do You Want?

I really want to get my family’s mon on my ribcage and my mom’s Japanese name somewhere. I don’t know how my pain tolerance is but if I can handle it, I’d want to get at least a partial sleeve.

96. Favorite YouTuber?

Polygon and Watcher.

[drlauralwalsh]

The Lusty World of Lesbian Widows

I’m really frustrated that COVID has gotten in the way of my grief achievements.  I figured 3 months in, I’d be doing the television talk show circuit, sold my book, and set up a non-profit foundation.  If only this pandemic hadn’t gotten in my way.

In my life before, if I spent too much time alone (like, over 4 hours), I’d start texting my sister-in-law that I was unsupervised and feral.  Uh oh.  I’d start going down rabbit holes and come up with weird stuff like how buff male kangaroos get.  Or questioning if my parents were really married since I couldn’t find a record of their union in the limited online databases. I could have paid for real records but I’m cheap.  I know, sounds crazy.  

But now, I’m alone for long stretches of time.  I’ve managed to channel some of this agitated energy into writing essays that speak to weirdos like me (shout out to my fellow weirdos!).  I spend hours researching (me-searching as we said in grad school) and discovering overachieving methods to dam the waters of my new spouse-less life.

I’m not just your average widow.  Oh no no no.  Of course, I have to be special so allow me to tack on some extra layers - lesbian, stepmom, and young (-ish, right?).  At 45, I have finally found a way to inch back towards the youth and relevance lost as you enter the fourth decade of life.  Today, I’d like to let you into the wonders of lesbianism.

I’m going to assume you’re not submerged in this subculture so I’ll tell you some secrets.  People are fascinated by lesbians.  To be fair, we live pretty mysterious lives.  We leave you hanging on profound questions like who takes out the trash and how do they have sex without a woody woodpecker? Sometimes, other communities get lumped in with us but they are actually quite different.  Of these witches, spinsters, and women who wear comfortable shoes, I only belong to only one of those so far.  I’m working on my stovetop skills and hope to someday conjure a penis.  Not a real one; that would be weird.

Amazon’s book market best represents the variable interests of our fan club members.  Right after my wife died, I launched a search for books on “lesbian widows.”  You’d think the algorithms would have pegged me by now (ha ha).  I was dismayed yet amused by the grand interpretation of what Amazon thought I meant.  The following is an unedited list of the top books recommended for me to purchase under these auspicious terms:

Lesbian Widows: Invisible Grief

by Victoria Whipple (Kindle $25.98, Paperback $46.95, Hardcover $907.71)

I’m impressed that the first one actually included my search terms but dang, it’s expensive to be a lesbian widow.  To be fair, you can rent it for $9.21 a month.  It’s also terribly niche within an already  small niche - invisible lesbian widows?  Published in 2014, you’d think it would be a little more hip.  Maybe it’s because I live in Chicago but even as an introvert, I’m decently visible.  Still, glad it exists and appeals to all eight people who each gave it a 5-star rating.

The Care and Feeding of Waspish Widows: Feminine Pursuits

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I must quote the basic plot description for you to get the full impact of this novel: “The last thing the widow wants is to be the victim of a thousand bees. But when a beautiful beekeeper arrives to take care of the pests, Agatha may be in danger of being stung by something far more dangerous…”  The cover depicts said wapish widow sit/leaning against her handsome, pants suit-clad beekeeper.  At the much less expensive price for kindle and paperback, I’m only slightly put off by labeling bees as pests.

Odd women?: Spinsters, lesbians and widows in British women's fiction, 1850s–1930s

by Emma Liggins (Kindle $73.24, Hardcover $95.00)

The period is a little off but at least it includes diverse, international women.  I was looking for a self help book but this seems slightly more academic.  Not sure why there’s a question mark in the title as there’s no question about our oddity.  The description reads, “Women outside heterosexual marriage in this period were seen as abnormal, superfluous, incomplete and threatening, yet were also hailed as ‘women of the future’.”  Aw shucks, I *am* ahead of my time.  Dang that price tag!  No renting option for this one.

The Grass Widow

by Nanci Little (Kindle $0.00, Paperback $14.95)

It’s unclear where we’ll find the lesbian widow in this 2010 novel but the description yields some mild foreshadowing: “As a familiar civilization fades into the distance, she is nineteen, unmarried and pregnant, and has no reason to think that the year 1876 won't be her last...Joss, in her brother's clothes and severely lacking in social graces, has no time to mollycoddle a pampered, pregnant New England lady. It's work or starve, literally. There are no servants, no laborers - just a failing farm, impending winter and the two of them to face it together.”  It sounds like the shameless Joss needs her own dose of mollycoddling (wink, wink) to get through the chilly nights.

Her Widow

by Joan Alden (Paperback $18.00)

More popular with 10 people giving it an almost stellar rating, this tomb’s immodest summary insists it belongs on every bookshelf.  YOU WILL PAY ATTENTION TO US!  That’s how I read it.  Seriously, of all the books this one comes the closest to what I actually wanted.  Waiting for the kindle unlimited edition….(having no man money makes us frugal).

Made For You 3

by K. Shantel (Kindle $4.99)

Apparently, Made For You 1 and 2 were not as popular. Despite the fair price, this tale omits widows opting for the groundbreaking combination of lesbian romance and football.  While tragedy surely threads through this plot, it falls short of crossing the threshold from football to death (it probably does).  Shocker, I defy the sporty lesbian trope and instead prefer to spend time among my vast, treasured collection of power tools.  Just to be clear, I mean the ones for home repair (get your mind out of the gutter!)  If the lady protagonists of this book had been thrown together building a Habitat for Humanity house with their 10 dogs using only their Subaru to transport lumber, I might be more captivated.

The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics, Book 1 of 1: Feminine Pursuits Series

by Olivia Waite (Kindle $3.99, Paperback $6.99)

I’ll give the author the benefit of believing there are more to come in the series. The title of this one intrigues me (I may steal it later) but sadly, it also defaults to worn stereotypes.  This collection of lesbian tropes finds my kin scoring yet another toaster for the conversion of a hapless straight lady.  Lesbians for the win!  Lady Reads-A-Lot gave it 5 stars and commented, “This was poetic and lovely, full of beautiful descriptions that knew exactly how to leave you breathless and then stop just before tipping into tedious.”  I’m guessing she means the sex scenes?  If you’ve ever watched any real lesbian porn, you know that it’s far better for the participants than the viewers.

Erotica: The Forbidden Adventures Of A Grieving Widow (Seduction, Lust, Lesbian Sex, Interracial Sex, Bondage and More)

by Amy King (Kindle $0.00)

This one is hands down, my favorite title and you can’t beat the price.  The author keeps the marketing short to sell you her novel: “All Ava wanted was to erase the memory of her recently departed husband. Little did she know that in trying to do so, she would experience mind-blowing adventures and lust across the globe. Ava would never be the same again as she ravenously eats up whatever adventure blows her way.”  Even though it’s another toaster novel, as a grieving widow ‘ravenously eats up’ does resonate.  I don’t think she means jars of cookie butter.

Of the eight masterpieces on the list, five are romance novels, one is academic, and two are in the ballpark (excuse the sports metaphor).  Scrolling further only yields more erotica including another novel titled, “Football Widows (lesbian)” by Amanda Mann and Deadlier Than the Male Publications.  Now I get it that we make up a small percentage of the population but this is some seriously messed up shit.  

Removing the lesbian and searching only for ‘widow’ yields twenty pages of books. I know what you’re thinking - “C’mon Laura, what’s the big deal?  Just get the standard widow book.”  And believe me, I’ve amassed quite the collection and am waiting for just the right intersection of not too devastated but ready to sob.  Bear with me for a sec - think about how we just want to be seen when we’re at our lowest.  When I first typed those words into the search bar, I just wanted something that used wife instead of husband.  

Every grief has specific salient elements and it’s too super niche to touch on all at the same time.  It would be weird and/or maybe nice to find another lesbian widow stepmom psychologist who lost her cop wife of almost 5 years to a PTSD-induced psychotic break and suicide.  That’s a Subaru full of identities.  If this person did exist, I’d be suspicious we’re the target on Incel trolls, longing to read the words of more seductive, witchy lesbians.  Instead, I plan on taking the high road.  I’ll get my knowledge and support from those who accept me by the category.  Obviously, one out of one lezzies agree there’s a market for lesbian widow self help guides - at the right price.  I may still write that book but if I want to get rich, I’ll definitely have to add more sex scenes.

[triscribe]

I’m having a fairytale-inspired MHA writing spree

So here, enjoy some Cinderella-based Ochadeku:

---

Once upon a time, in a big house at the edge of the woods, there lived a lonely widow and her only son. The widow was a kindly soul, who managed her own estate frugally but gave to others generously. She taught her son the best aspects of gentility and compassion, but felt as though he were lacking without a father figure in the household.

So, she found a handsome man with his own boy only a little older than her own, and re-married.

And died, shortly thereafter.

The illness came on suddenly, unexpectedly, and she passed before the doctor’s estimated week was even up. Her son was inconsolable, unwilling to leave the manor grounds for a time. His new stepfather allowed the boy’s self-imposed isolation, encouraging him to take up various chores as a way of working through his grief.

Eventually, though, said encouragements turned into orders.

“Izuku! Remember, the back wall needs to be repaired today! And trim back the over-reaching branches while you’re at it, too!”

“Yes, sir!” Lacing up his scuffed boots, the youth hurried to stuff a dry crust of bread into his mouth - all the breakfast he had time for, sadly. Footwear secured and food swallowed, he hurried out the door, grabbing a bucket full of dinner scraps to toss into the chicken pen on his way to the garden shed.

Unfortunately, just as he rounded the corner of the house, fingers snagged on his patchwork coat. The sudden tug caused Izuku to fall over backwards, his legs flying up into the air and the bucket’s contents spilling all over him.

“Oops,” Tomura, his stepbrother, drawled with a sly grin. “Clumsy Deku, better watch where you’re going.”

“Good morning, Tomura,” the younger boy wheezed. After a moment’s pause to let his head stop spinning, Izuku staggered back upright.

“Hmph. It’ll only be a good morning if you remember to pick up my purchases from town before it rains.”

Clouds were already gathering in the sky above them. Izuku looked at his stepbrother helplessly. “But, your father needs me to-”

“I don’t care, Deku, you ought to be able to get it all done in a timely manner. After all, that’s the right thing to do, yeah? Follow through on your committments?” Sighing, because that was one of his mother’s old lessons, Izuku nodded. “Good. Remember, get all my new things here, dry.”

“Yes, Tomura.” Satisfied at Izuku’s compliance, the lanky young man turned and strode back towards the front door of the manor house - the one Izuku wasn’t allowed to use anymore, as he dressed “too much like a servant” for it to be proper. Honestly, though, wearing the sort of finery he used to, that his stepfather and brother still did, was impractical in the extreme with the physical labor Izuku did.

He tried not to let it bother him.

Allowing himself another sigh, the youth quickly scooped up as many scraps as he could to drop back into the bucket, then hurried onwards. He tossed the food to the chickens, grabbed the tools he’d need for the back wall and tree branches to place in a wheelbarrow, and rolled the whole lot down to the forest’s edge. The old stone barrier was veritably covered in moss, blending with the landscape, but there was no mistaking the spot where several stones had come loose and tumbled to the ground.

Working quickly, Izuku leveraged up as many of the heavy rocks as he could manage, stacking them back onto the wall. Then he set braces in place to keep them there for the time being, before filling the cracks with mud fetched from the stream that ran through their property.

“Not a perfect job, but it’ll have to do,” he muttered. After that, the youth used his long clipping tool to trim the low-hanging tree branches that reached over the wall. He knew his stepfather wanted them gone for looks, but Izuku also figured these would be the most likely culprits for dying, falling, and damaging the wall again. The youth much preferred clearing them away at this point, rather than needing to fix further sections of stone in future.

The day had brightened into mid-morning by the time he finished and put away the tools, forcing Izuku to forget cleaning up before saddling their mare to ride into town. She was an old, plodding thing, and though he kept casting concerned glances at the looming storm clouds, Izuku couldn’t bring himself to force her into a faster pace.

Once at the market square, he tied the mare up at a hitch outside the inn, figuring it would be quicker to run between stores on foot. Six different merchants Izuku visited, gathering up a variety of packages for his stepbrother, promising to come back later in the week to pay off Tomura’s assorted tabs. Arms full, he returned to the mare, barely avoiding colliding with anyone or dropping his load.

It was a trick and a half to arrange everything in the saddlebags he’d brought along, but Izuku managed, and he set off back for home just as the first crack of thunder rumbled over head.

“I know you don’t want to get soaked anymore than I do, girl,” Izuku said to his horse, gently tapping at her sides with his heels. She took the hint, speeding up from a brisk walk into a trot.

They’d nearly gotten back to the manor grounds when a flash of pink in the corner of his eye caught Izuku’s attention. He pulled back on the mare’s reins, peering into the woods. Again, he spotted the flash of bright color, and only a few moments later, a girl his age riding a tall white horse burst out onto the road.

Their sudden appearance caused Izuku’s mare to rear back in surprise, and he, unprepared, toppled off. Colliding rather painfully with the ground knocked the air from his lungs, and it was all the youth could do to just wheeze for a moment. Distantly, he could hear the sound of the mare taking off down the road, her hoofbeats ringing in his ears.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! Are you alright?”

Bright brown eyes peered down into his own, derailing what progress Izuku had made in getting his breath back. He wheezed again, but also offered a wobbly grin.

“My sincerest apologies, I was in such a hurry to get back to the road I didn’t even stop to think someone else might be on it - are in any pain? Can I help you sit up?”

Coughing to try and clear his head a little, Izuku nodded. He moved his arms to push himself upright, aided by slim hands supporting his shoulders. The world spun a little, but that cleared after a moment, and he finally looked up to fully take in the girl before him.

And blushed a brighter red than he ever had in his entire life.

Her hair was the same shining brown as her eyes, cut in such a way to frame her face with the strands. Rosy cheeks and a button nose were all scrunched up adorably as she stared at him with blatant concern. “I don’t think you hit your head hard enough to gain a bump,” she said, fingers gently prodding at the back of his skull. “Does this hurt at all?”

“N-no!” Izuku yelped, more from embarrassment than anything else. “I’m fine, r-really!”

“Are you sure? That was a nasty fall...”

“Ah, n-nothing I haven’t felt before,” he said, gingerly climbing to his feet. The girl stood up as well, giving him a better view of the riding clothes she wore, warm grey with pink accents and the livery of the Royal Household. “Are you alright?”

Her eyebrows shot up, practically disappearing behind her bangs. “I’m not the one who just fell off a horse - but yes, I’m perfectly well.”

“Good, that’s g-good.” Biting at his lip to keep from blurting out anything else foolish, Izuku glanced at her horse, also bearing matching gear to her own. “I’m sorry to have taken up your time, you’re probably in a hurry-”

“If I hadn’t been in such a rush, I wouldn’t have caused your fall,” the girl said sheepishly.

“Th-that’s alright! Better me than someone else, anyway. If it had been my stepbrother, he’d be screaming and kicking up all manner of trouble for you.”

“Trouble... for me?”

Taken aback by her puzzled tone, Izuku blinked. “Well, yes. I imagine it wouldn’t look good for word to get around of royal servants startling innocent mares into bucking off their riders - but I won’t say a word, I promise! It was just an accident, after all.” The girl kept staring at him, and Izuku shuffled awkwardly. “Um, I really shouldn’t keep you, what with the rain and all...”

Another burst of thunder added emphasis to his words, snapping the girl out of whatever state she’d been in. “Oh! Right, that’s- at least let me give you a ride home, so you aren’t caught by the storm!”

“I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I need to find my horse, anyway - there’s packages in her saddlebags I’m supposed to bring back, and if I show up without them I’ll really be in trouble.”

“Well, I’ll help you track her down, then, it’s the least I can do!” She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and soon enough Izuku found himself sitting double behind the girl on her own horse, cantering up the road as they searched for his mare. They sat flush together, his arms curled around her midsection and his nose constantly breathing in the sweet scent of her hair, and the combination of all that was turning Izuku’s stomach over in a not unpleasant way.

“What were you doing so far from the castle, anyway?” He asked at one point.

“Oh, just, trying to enjoy a bit of freedom. My responsibilities are going to increase fairly soon, and I wasn’t sure when I’d get another chance.”

Izuku understood that without any trouble at all. “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll still be able to find some time for yourself in future.”

One of her gloved hands released the reins long enough to squeeze his own. “Thank you.”

Warmth seemed to spread from that one bit of contact, but before Izuku could say anything else, they turned a corner in the road and spotted his mare just ahead, grazing on some grass beneath the shelter of the trees.

The girl slowed her own mount to a halt, allowing Izuku to clamber off and jog over to his wayward horse. “You silly thing, did you stop at the first bit of greenery that looked tasty?” She snuffled at his face, causing the youth to laugh as he leaned back. “Oh no, my hair does not count!”

He fussed over her for a few moments more, and checked that all of Tomura’s packages were still safe and secure, before glancing back at his new friend. She still sat upon her own horse, smiling at him with a soft expression.

“Ah, thank you again!” Izuku beamed.

The girl blushed, ducking her head. “It was no trouble, the least I could do, as I said!”

They paused in an awkward silence, before Izuku spoke again. “Will, ah - is there any chance you might be back out this way again, sometime?”

Her face fell. “No, not any time soon, I’m afraid.”

“Oh.”

“But... have you heard about the ball at the castle, in two days time?”

How could he not - the grandest event of the year, to which eligible young men from across the kingdom and beyond had been invited, with the express intent of finding a husband for the princess. Most of what Izuku had picked up in town were Tomura’s fitted garments and styling supplies for the ball.

“Yes, I have. I hadn’t planned on going, though, my stepfamily wouldn’t like it much.”

“Well, if you do attend, I’ll be there.”

“Oh. Oh!” Izuku beamed up at her again. “In that case, I’ll do my best to come!”

She smiled back, before more thunder and a visible bolt of lightning reminded them of more pressing concerns. “I’ll look for you, then! Take care!”

“You too!” Izuku hastily swung himself up into the mare’s saddle, but there he lingered, watching as the girl rode away. Just as she vanished out of sight, he realized they’d never actually introduced themselves to one another. “Oh, shoot!”

And of course, that was when the rain started to come down.

---

Chapter two is in the works, along with a Little Mermaid Tododeku fic, and a Beauty and the Beast Bakudeku story. Everything will eventually be posted to my AO3 account, also under the name Triscribe (I’m very easy to track down).

If I get any interest for this, I might make some watercolor art to go with it, too...

[mechaphoenixrising]

Color oracle

I don’t usually make any sort of personal posts, but today, the Color Oracle test came across my dash again. Out of curiousity, I decided to take it, since I didn’t remember my previous results, and it was uncannily accurate.

(Of course, I took it again later with completely bogus color choices, and that result was still uncannily accurate, so I think the algorithm is skewed to spit out something vague enough and yet meaningful enough that people generally will accept whatever is given to them. Still. It made me reflect on where I am, where I’ve been, and where I’d like to go.)

I don’t expect anyone to read this, least of all the ones I’d really want to read this, but it’s still worth putting my thoughts down for later reference and reflection.

First, the negative, aka where I’ve been:

I’m currently $5000 away from paying off a $15000 credit card debt, accumulated over three and a half years of not working, living at home with my stepmom (henceforth referred to as Mom) and brother, and trying to pull my own weight regardless. In May of 2015, I left my job as a Program Manager with Microsoft in Seattle because my Mom needed help with her construction startup, I missed my family a ton, and I was feeling empty inside, despite having the American dream with a good 401k, amazing six figure salary, and an extremely cushy job with benefits (health insurance galore!). I figured I had a lot of buffer room, between stocks, my $20k in savings, and my 401k plan.

It’s all gone. I spent it all. Don’t ask me how. I won’t tell you the specifics. Just know that three and a half years living at home with a family that really doesn’t know how to budget or delay gratification wasn’t good for my personal finances. And I’m not blaming them. I couldn’t and wouldn’t say no, especially when I had the need and desire to pull my own weight and help out as much as I could.

Thankfully, I’ve been employed again since the beginning of the year at this awesome tech startup where I’m surrounded by wonderful people and amazing work. I have health insurance now, and will gladly pay into Colorado’s Medicaid program for the rest of my life. It saved me when I was diagnosed with narcolepsy in 2016 and paid for expensive sleep tests and stimulant medications.

I pay $800 a month for rent, $200 a month for student loans, and $2000 a month into my credit card bills. I drive a car that my dad lent me, haven’t bought new clothes since I left home last October, and my biggest purchase this year has been a refurbished Nintendo Switch, which I’m so grateful for. I could probably be more frugal and pay off my credit card bill a little faster, but I decided to enjoy myself at least a little along the way. Ever since I let it slip to my boyfriend that I owed so much money, he hasn’t felt right about letting me pay for half of our dates, but I want to. I need to be self-sufficient and stop taking from other people, especially when I can spare the extra. Even though I owe a lot, I’m not in scarcity mode. I’ve just reprioritized.

I slept on an air mattress for two months at the beginning of this year until my landlord told me I could use his extra mattress. I bought dishes from Goodwill and rummaged amongst my boxes of belongings for things that would make my new room feel like home. I taught myself to make wirewrapped earrings and necklaces so I wouldn’t feel the desire to buy anything sparkly. I went back to eating vegetable stirfry for every meal so that I wouldn’t want to buy takeout all the time. I visit my great-grandparents on the weekend so I don’t stay home filled with want or, what would be worse, hit the town in search of expensive but ephemeral thrills.

Once my credit card and student loans are paid off, I plan to start an IRA or 401k again, as well as an HSA (narcolepsy meds aren’t cheap, yo!), maybe buy my own used car so I can give my dad his car back before the end of the year.

I’ve taken one day off from work this year. Now that I’ve typed that out, even I recognize that’s not good. Maybe I’ll take my birthday off. I’m already planning a trip to the Bay Area in October or November. Even if things are a little tight right now, there are good times ahead, and there are good times now.

...This turned out to be much longer than I expected. More later.

[noelle-wright]

A Journey Towards Debt Liberation

Working towards paying off my student loans was one of the most scary, liberating decisions that I decided to embark on. When I first took out my graduate school loan and moved to France in 2013, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what interest was and how that would affect the life of the loan. I just went with whatever the Department of Education was offering.

Fast forward to life right after graduate school, the reality of Hawaii public sector wages hit me hard. The thought of paying through almost $60,000 in student loan debt seemed impossible, and I believed I wouldn't be done until I was 40. As a 23-year-old, that was fine, though, because I had no plans to own a home, start a family, etc. However, the reality of this loan was a constant worry.

It was a trip home to visit my sister and brother-in-law that really got me thinking about how I'd been approaching my loans, as they had been aggressively paying down loans. I had heard many podcasters preach about "financial freedom" and paying off $100,000 in two years. I would get bitter inside and thought that doing what they were doing was impossible for myself. However, with the inspiration of my family, I saw that it WAS possible. I realized I was mentally stuck in a limiting mindset, and my bitterness at those paying off their debt was a projection of the insecurity I felt in my own situation.

As I started to reach my later twenties, I moved to a much better paying career and started a long-term serious relationship. I decided it was no longer time to be held down by my debt in order to manifest the life I intended to create for myself and with my partner. For me, there was no better time than now to work on my debt - while I had low expenses and a stable job. I happily traversed into an ABUNDANCE MINDSET. I shifted my thinking from not believing I had enough to believing that I did have the means to get out of this debt, and that everything I had now was all I needed. Money can be so stressful, but when our minds are controlled by it, it blocks us from serving our higher purpose. Financial freedom is also a mindset and a practice in discipline. The more you practice, the more you evolve. My goals were to 1) taking responsibility through hard work and discipline, 2) liberate my mind from the worry of money and feeling of lacking, and 3) turn this journey into part of my sadhana, or spiritual practice - spiritually work on discipline and seeing myself and everything around me as abundant.

Here are a few things that helped me along the way.

Know how much you owe and your interest rate. It can be scary to face how much we owe. I didn't keep track when I was borrowing, only to find out I had initially borrowed $59,410.93. I was so scared to face how much I owed, that I didn't really start paying attention until 2018. Be clear with how much you owe so you can start setting goals that work for you.

Know your monthly spending vs. how much you make. Be completely honest with yourself so you can see your net outflow and what extra you can realistically put towards your loan. This also allows you to cut off expenses that you may not need.

Refinance. It took me five years before I proved I was credit-worthy for refinancing, but it got me a lower interest rate, so keep trying. Do your research when looking at companies (I myself refinanced with CommonBond).

As much as you can, pay your minimum then build to paying over your minimum. When I had a low salary, I applied for income-driven repayment (IDR) to pay lower than my minimum. Even when my salary got higher, I got mentally stuck in an IDR-mentality, but I was actually doing myself a disservice. If you start to make more money, start paying that pre-IDR minimum right away. Even better, start paying MORE than your minimum. Set up automatic payments so you don't know what it feels like to have that extra money to spend. Personally, I paid a portion towards my loan every week.

Make more money. This sounds blunt and I understand everyone has different circumstances. For me, though, moving to a job that paid me $30,000 more per year and gave me much better benefits like, fully paid healthcare, paid transportation, and life insurance really helped. Also, taking on a side hustle changed everything. I work really hard right now and put in the time, but I know that in a few months I can live more comfortably and have more free time. Don't let making more money, though, inflate your lifestyle.

Listen to podcasts and go online for inspiration. Sometimes it can feel like you are alone in everything, but when you enter the online world, you'll see that there are a ton of people in the same boat and with their eyes on the same prize. My favorite podcast has been Afford Anything with Paula Pant and watching Aja Dang's YouTube videos on her own personal journey.

Get a financial planner to help you.  They help you stay accountable, and can provide you with tools to use to help you figure out how much you should be paying to meet your goals.

Live frugally where you can. Discipline. If you can't increase your income, decrease your expenses. I forgo a car because of multiple reasons; I don't have kids, I live in a convenient and walkable part of the city well-served by public transit, I want to lessen my impact on the environment, and I quite frankly just hate driving. Since my company pays for my bus pass, I basically have no transportation costs except for occasionally buying my boyfriend's gas (the rare times he lets me). I also still live at home and get an unbelievably subsidized rent to help my mom out. Ever since I discovered Poshmark, I got rid of a lot of clothes and made over $1,500 on the app. I also now don't buy new clothes; I only buy clothes on Poshmark. I also participate in a yearly "Lent" with my friends that has really helped me break some bad habits (I credit this exercise to me no longer watching TV except for Game of Thrones, and cutting down clothing spending habits by 75%!). It also helps to unsubscribe from newsletters that tempt you to buy more stuff. Living frugally is a mindset. It doesn't have to feel like frugality; think of it as living simply. It could feel more liberating to be freed from ownership of too much stuff. There are less things to think about and less clutter to look at. If you experiment or practice changing your mindset, you may be surprised at what you can let go of materially to live well, while at the same time saving money.

...But don't deprive yourself. When I started my student loan journey, I was definitely overwhelmed by the budget aspect because I wanted to preserve my lifestyle. I didn't want to cut down on the things I valued, especially on food, fitness, and travel. I resolved not to cut corners on the things that mattered most to me. It was important to me to not get into the mindset of deprivation.  Still buying what is nourishing for your soul is crucial in preserving joy throughout the process.

Save for big expenses. Start a separate savings account for bigger expenses, like a trip, car, training, etc. Calculate its estimated total cost and how much could be saved for it per month. Then, establish a savings timeframe and automatic monthly transfer into that account. It's important to not be tempted to dip into that account. Personally, my big ticket items are travel. I don't feel scared to take a vacation because I know I already have the funds for it set aside.

Celebrate the small wins. Whether its setting up that detailed budget spreadsheet or the big-ticket savings account or putting an extra $100 towards your loan, be proud of yourself every step of the way.

Don't obsess over it. Oddly, once I started making progress on my loans, I became obsessed with paying them off. I realized the space it was occupying in my mind was large. It's important to not let the whole process consume your life, and be patient with the journey.

if you're comfortable, use a zero-based budget. Put simply, zero-based budgeting allocates all of your money to something. Through the help of a financial adviser, I realized the money I was saving in a savings account yielding 2.2% interest was just sitting there and not doing as much as if I put it towards other things like investments or putting more towards my loan. Through zero-based budgeting, you can actually find ways to better maximize the use of your money. I realize that this isn't realistic, though, for those that might freelance.