#a lot depends on the script going forward

[leonenjoyer69]

After sitting half finished for forever, I finally present Lanyon's Mindscape!

I spent quite a while coming up with everything and developing things in a way that connected very heavily to Lanyon's character (as well as Elias's) for my Lanyon Takes the Potion AU, so I'm very happy to finally share it! I mentioned it a while ago on the QnA with @arythusa , but here's the whole long summary!

I have a reason for each and every detail and choice, so if you have any questions, leave them in the reblogs or comments and I promise you I would LOVE to answer them :3 also, reblogs would be very appreciated, I put a lot of work into this <3

Now, let's begin!

The Mindscape

A twisting mansion of halls, doors, and spiraling staircases, Lanyon's mindscape is a vast, extravagant space.

Most of the mindscape has an inherent purple hue; grand chandeliers also bathe the upper, more "frequented" areas in a golden light. However, the deeper you travel, the more sparse these golden lights become.

Lanyon doesn't have the same odd "compartmentalization" abilities that Jekyll does, leaving his mindscape much messier and more confusing, with very little of it being any sort of "organized". Furthermore Lanyon hasn't ripped himself down to a shell of a person like Jekyll has; nor does he suffer from the same self hatred as Jekyll and Hyde, making his mindscape much more lively.

Residents of the mindscape include mind versions of: Jekyll, Everly, Lanyon Sr., Lanyon's mother (though she acts as more of a ghost,) the shadow people, and the Nightmares™.

THE ROOMS AND LAYOUT

THE HALLS

The halls are long and confusingly twisty, covered in unmarked doors, blurry portraits, and golden chandeliers, as well as other occasional decorations and clutter. There are very few doors that actually stand out enough to know they're special, like the ballroom, greenhouse, library, alchemy room, and Lanyon Sr's office. Most of the special rooms are near the surface, never moving, as their influence on Lanyon's character and memories are too strong to be moved from near the subconscious.

Memories, however, do tend to shuffle around a bit, even moving between floors depending on how much Elias or Lanyon is thinking of it. This shuffling has the ability to bring nightmares up from deeper levels to the more "safe" ones.

Many of the halls tend to lead in circles or straight into dead ends, and some doors simply lead to more hallways.

THE POCKET WATCH

To combat the twisting and turning, Elias eventually realizes that his "broken" pocket watch acts more like a compass, pointing him in the general direction of where he wishes to go. Mindkyll also has a pocket watch like this, being one of the more mobile mind people (despite his slight limp.)

The pocket watch has the normal larger clock face, as well as a smaller one for "seconds". The hands all spin aimlessly until a destination is thought of. The hour and minute hands work together for general direction like a compass, while the seconds tell the level, with straight up/forward being a higher level, down being a lower level, and horizontal being the current floor. Elias only figured this out with Mindkyll's help.

Elias, Lanyon, and Mindkyll all have an inherent attachment to their given watches, and when they're in other hands or removed from their persons, they feel more lost and confused, as if they have brain fog.

THE LIBRARY

Lanyon spends a decent bit of his free time reading and watching plays and productions, so it only makes sense for him to have a grand library filled with the fleeting memories of these pasttimes.

The bookshelves are oppressively tall, and despite the number of books and scripts, most of them aren't quite readable, since their words have been at least partially forgotten. However, there are a decent few books that are mostly filled out, namely favourite stories or plays he's ingested, old school books (thanks to Jekyll's influence,) and partially filled out journals or phrases that stuck with him, either from other people or things he's told himself.

Additionally, there is a reading nook with a fireplace in one of the corners, since reading is a comfort he hasn't abandoned.

THE MUSIC ROOM

The music room is a cozy space with a few chairs, a fire place, a grand piano, other various instruments, and sheet music strewn and hung about. There's also a couple of paintings, but they're covered mostly in music sheets. One of the other notable instruments is a violin, though it doesn't get used until Elias comes around.

This room is where Mind Everly spends most of her time, when not in the greenhouse, of course. Most of the music pieces are either nonsensical, or genuine ones that the real Everly has played for Robert.

This room becomes a sort of safe space for Elias after certain...events.

THE BALLROOM

The ballroom is a large, extravagant 2 story room. The floor/lower space has walls lined with windows, bringing a golden light to the whole room. However, nothing can be seen on the other side of the windows. Pillars sit between a few of them, holding up a large, wrap-around balcony-- I.e the second floor. The lower space also has a large circular design in the middle of the floor.

The second floor also has windows, as well as a few doors-- one of which leads into Lanyon Sr's office, since Lanyon viewed the tie between his fathers work and status so strongly, both becoming his whole life.

Because of how much of Lanyons life was built around balls and gatherings, the room is filled with shadowy upper class folk, all with somewhat blury features. They tend to act quite mindlessly, seemingly at least somewhat under Mindkyll's Beck and call, but they do dance together and murmur nonsensical, unsettling things to each other. They don't say anything that can be made out, but their growing judgement towards anything odd in the ballroom and overlapping voices can cause panic quite easily.

This room is frequented by both Mindkyll and Mind Lanyon Sr. Mindkyll tends to roam around, framing and dancing with the shadow people, while Mind Lanyon Sr stays on the balcony above, ever watching and judging what goes on below.

THE GREENHOUSE/GARDEN

An overgrown greenhouse filled with various vines, shrubs, and flowers (with occasional symbolism). there's an area for plants directly in the ground, as well as tables covered in pots, metal rafters with hanging pots, and a couple of trellises. The room is mostly all glass-- which still can't be seen through, but gives a warm, comforting glow to the room. There's also a glass table, which seats 2, and a little nook in one of the corners.

A lot of the flowers tend to change, as well as "randomly" bloom and wilt.

Elias likes to spend a lot of time just sitting in this room, occasionally with mind Everly. He also likes cutting back the overgrowth, but it always comes back. He eventually starts to keep track of how the flowers change as well.

THE ALCHEMY LAB

Based heavily around Jekyll's office and Alchemy-covered university desk, the lab is a dark, candle-lit room cluttered with alchemy equipment, books, and potions. There's an odd green fog in the air, making it one of the only rooms that isn't bathed in purple or gold.

This is the other room Mind Jekyll tends to frequent, usually experimenting or organizing his things. Lanyon and Elias both try to avoid this room, as the air feels uncomfortably heavy and tainted.

THE OFFICE

Lanyon's personal office, though it's quite lacking in furniture. The room mainly consists of a desk, chair, scattered books, and a lone, curtained window. The walls are covered in portraits (mainly of his father) and the desk is littered with bills and paperwork. The room seems almost abandoned, at least until Elias comes around to it.

THE UNIVERSITY DORM ROOM

A memory of his dorm room with Jekyll. The window seems to give a faint blue light, though the curtain usually covers it (symbolizing how he hid the relationship and his feelings.)

Jekyll's desk has a few alchemy things scattered on it, as well as text books. There are bunk beds, but the top looks unused.

There are various objects in the room that trigger a memory when they're interacted with, since many core memories were made in the room, buried or not.

LANYON SR'S OFFICE

A large, oppressive office, lit primarily by the two windows. The shelves and tables are covered with books and paperwork. Mirrors litter the walls (symbolizing Lanyon's similarities to his father), as well as portraits.

Mind Lanyon Sr obviously frequents this room, doing random work and reading. The room is also directly connected to the second floor of the ballroom, high above everyone else to show how Lanyon believed his father to put himself and his work above everyone else. Lanyon tends to avoid this room, and the second floor of the ballroom in general, as it makes him feel exposed. Elias also tends to avoid this room, as it makes him feel small.

THE CHARACTERS

ELIAS WRIGHT (LANYON'S HJ7 ALTER)

His outfit gives a more "working class" feel, inspired by his father's youth. They're also far more comfortable than Lanyon's usual clothes, so Elias doesn't mind them too much. The outfit somewhat symbolizes Elias's working spirit, as well as his yearning for his Father's approval via following in his footsteps (to a certain degree), acting as a sort of errand boy around the society/for Jekyll. They also make him look ungentlemanly, simple, and weak, making him stand out in the mindscape.

He has a "broken" pocket watch on him at all times, which he instinctively feels very protective over, as it's somewhat linked to his being.

Additionally, in memories he can "take the spot" of Lanyon, letting the memory compulse him on how to move. He likes doing this to feel like he's still Lanyon-- like he's whole again.

Feelings wise, Elias isn't too against the mindscape for a good while, mainly in the beginning. While it is confusing and lonely, leaving him quite on edge most of the time, he does at least find solace in mind Everly, Mind Jekyll, and some of the rooms. He does have a few run-ins with nightmares, though he always manages to flee or be saved somehow by mind Everly or Jekyll. He prefers to stay on the higher levels where it's brighter and safer, though occasionally he does go down to dig through memories, much to mindkyll's masked annoyance.

He initially sticks around Mindkyll quite a bit, dancing and hanging out in the ballroom or alchemy lab with him, even if he occasionally makes Elias kind of uncomfortable. Elias is quick to trust him and his charm, falling into him as a safety since Mindkyll is so kind towards him, and since he resembles Jekyll so much. Mindkyll is also quite touchy and praising with Elias, feeding Elias's yearning for romantic intimacy from Jekyll. Mindkyll usually knows just what cards to play to make Elias either fall for his charm or feel bad for him. They do pursue something of a "relationship", and despite the occasional discomfort Elias feels, he is quite reliant on Mindkyll for a while, using him as a stand-in since the real Jekyll seems so unattainable.

Also, Elias finds Mindkyll's "sparkle machine" ability quite funny, but of course falls for it. On a few occasions he's accidentally sparkled back, shocking Mindkyll and somewhat offending him.

Additionally, Elias hangs with mind Everly a decent bit too, finding her to be a more calming presence among the greenhouse and music room. She gives him advice and lets him talk, acting as a sort of mental therapist. She doesn't like mindkyll. She'll play music for Elias or sometimes just sit with him in the greenhouse.

Elias somewhat avoids mind Lanyon Sr, rarely trying to get to the ballroom's second floor, unless he feels he has to. He also partially tries to avoid his fathers gaze, though sometimes he can't help but look up at Lanyon Sr watching over the ballroom, yearning to make his father proud of him. Lanyon Sr's critical gaze tends to make him feel small, cringing under the judgement.

A mind version of his mother also haunts the mindscape, though she is scarcely seen. She does seem to like Elias far more than Lanyon though, sometimes even holding Elias and calling him her baby. She only really shows up in the greenhouse, from what Elias has seen.

MIND JEKYLL

A resident of Lanyon's mindscape, he's a sparkly amalgamation of Jekyll and Hyde. Wandering between the ballroom, halls, and his lab, he mainly dances, experiments, and charms. He has phantom pains all around his body, stemming from Lanyon's constant fear of Jekyll getting hurt (especially via potion mishaps), and has a limp in his left leg from recurring nightmares of Jekyll stepping in a bear trap on the faithful Bleeding Heart Night™.

Before Lanyon and Elias split, mind Jekyll looked far more like normal Jekyll and acted a bit more awkward. however, after learning of Jekylls duality, mindkyll became a bit more Hyde like, his sideburns growing out, his hair growing messier, and gaining a hole filled cape and green hat, as well as gradient eyes. He hates his new appearance a decent bit, blaming Elias for it.

He spends most of his time in the ballroom, since Lanyon taught him how to act "proper" and he seemingly surpassed Lanyon at that, causing him to become a sort of icon to Lanyon in that sense. In the ballroom he's quite the charmer, going between the shadow people and playing them as he wishes, which stems from Lanyon's jealousy of how Jekyll acted (and still acts) with women at parties while they were together.

Mindkyll tends to feel an inherent hatred for Elias when Elias is around him, as if Elias's presence by itself just causes stabs of anger and resentment in him, though usually he can force this feeling down in order to keep his charming facade up. However, on top of that resentment, when he feels like he has any sort of control over Elias, he gets a swell of pride and power in his chest. He tends to get more inwardly cocky, which mixes with the hatred and makes him increasingly cruel at times, though he does mask that with his charm and sparkles. He's also very much emotionally manipulative, pulling at Elias's weaknesses and the slight inherent attraction Elias has for him, since he looks like Jekyll and such. He doesn't really tend to outwardly show any of his hatred of course, since he wants to keep Elias's trust for the most part, but he does Harbor Lanyon's resentment and repression of all those "weak" emotions and such. Additionally, he holds a lot of Lanyon's "rebellious" stage, feeding off of the power he gets from having control.

He also lets off sparkles as a sort of defense mechanism for when he feels threatened or starts getting impatient/aggravated. They have a somewhat calming effect, most of the time at least, made to distract people from his real intentions and feelings. Occasionally, however, their impact/sway is dulled, like against Mind Everly. Eventually, Lanyon starts becoming more resistant to their sway, and after a certain future event, so does Elias.

MIND EVERLY

Mind Everly tends to avoid the ballroom, so she doesn't really interact with the shadow people unless she has to. She's also surprisingly adept at fighting off the nightmares. When Mind Mumyon randomly shows up in the garden, or on rare occasions the music room, she'll kinda just chat with her and keep her company until she wanders off/disappears again. With Mindkyll, Everly tends to be a bit "low patience" with him, not really playing into his charm and tending to ignore him.

Mind Everly knows she's just a part of Lanyon, being one of his main comforts and someone that he confides in, and she's quite alright with doing her thing and occasionally helping out Elias or Lanyon. She's just as sweet and trustworthy as the real Everly, acting somewhat as a therapist and general advice giver. She's also quite protective of Elias after certain events.

She frequents the Music room and the Garden, only occasionally going into the ballroom if she feels she has to. She completely avoids the alchemy lab, and only goes into Lanyon's office every once in a while to clean it up a bit.

MIND LANYON SR

Mind Lanyon Sr looks quite similar to the real one, just far more oppressive and judgemental, far more emotionally detached than the real one. He has a distressing aura to him, causing discomfort to the shadow people and monsters and annoyance to most of the other mind people that get close to him. Mindkyll seems to be the outlier to this, as he generally tolerates Mind Lanyon Sr's presence quite well, even occasionally seeking it out.

He usually hangs out on the second floor of the ballroom, staring down and judging the people below. He's this ever-watching presence, detached but still close enough to control things-- or at least seem like he could. Otherwise he frequents his office, doing work, reorganizing, or reading.

He'll occasionally hang out with Mindkyll, vaguely talking to him and slipping him praises. He sees him as more successful, fond of him in a "my son should be like you" way. Despite this, he still gets quite judgemental of Mindkyll when he looses his temper or shows his more "mad scientist" side.

His feelings towards Elias are a little mixed. For the most part, Mind Lanyon Sr is constantly judging Elias, disgusted by his emotional vulnerability and how he's everything the real Lanyon Sr tried to get rid of in his son. But, on the other hand, occasionally he can't help but be the *slightest* bit proud of the fact that Elias has at least SOME work ethic.

Were Elias to try and talk to mind Lanyon Sr, he would probably be met with Mind Lanyon Sr ignoring him, silently judging him, and/or verbally jabbing at him, pointing out his flaws. Elias is quite heartbroken at this, but for some reason he tries to get Mind Lanyon Sr's approval a handful of times before finally giving up, cringing under his stern, judging gaze.

Otherwise, he's aware of his state as a concept and is quite fine with it, intent on keeping Lanyon and Elias in line, in his own detatched way.

LANYON'S MOTHER (CELIA)

Cecilia Lanyon (Mumyon) somewhat haunts around the mindscape, quite scarcely seen. Because of her distance and detatchment towards her son, she rarely shows up, and when she does it's usually in the greenhouse, since she mainly "bonded" with Lanyon by having him help tend the garden occasionally. Since at home she was also commonly hysterical, Mind Celia is generally quite blank, but occasionally snaps a bit emotionally.

When Lanyon is around her, she tends to somewhat blankly stare at him, VERY occasionally actually talking or acting motherly towards him. Elias, however, tries to drag a bit more of that motherly persona out. He yearns for validation and affection from both of his parents, and the mindscape if the only place he'll ever possibly be able to get it. She occasionally seems to give him a little of the attention he wants, talking in very short sentences when they're together in the greenhouse, maybe pointing out flowers or their symbolism. Sometimes she does seem quite cynical, however, which tends to throw Elias off.

Her and Mind Lanyon Sr don't really ever interact, unless Mind Celia just happens to silently join him on the second floor of the ballroom for "show". She mostly ignores mindkyll, but has snapped at him at least once. Otherwise, she usually just tolerates him. She likes Mind Everly well enough, it's hard to dislike her, and she enjoys listening to Mind Everly's music.

Most of the time she's not the most aware of things, but she does have her more clear moments.

(Cecilia Eleanor Lanyon was made by my friend Luka ( @lukas-broken-bow ), while mind Celia was adapted by me bc her character EATS, THANK YOU FOR DEVELOPING HER LUKA, I LOVE HER)

THE NIGHTMARES

The nightmares take on a lot of forms, with one resembling Morcant being the most notable. Along with that, however, there's also many "mad scientists", physically ruined by their science, and various magical creatures and monsters, like vampires (there's one with a resemblance to Dracula), other werewolves, and reanimated things (ones that are especially gory, since Lanyon is disgusted by things like exposed innards,wounds, and rot.) There's also a nightmare "Hyde", who is somewhat formless and mainly causes general havoc and stalks around.

With the twisting of the mindscape and so many doors scattered about, the nightmares tend to stay in lower levels, trapped behind said doors or simply lost, especially if Lanyon keeps them off of his mind. However, when thought of or triggered via seeing or hearing something (or occasionally at random), doors will open or memory rooms will move, allowing nightmares to find themselves closer to the subconcious. They're also more active in higher layers in moments of higher stress, or heavy sleep deprivation, as those " doors" become harder to unconsciously keep closed.

Mindkyll is somewhat fearful of them, some more than others, but when they're closer to his ballroom or lab, he tends to be less scared. Or, when he needs to swoop in and "save" Elias from a couple of nightmares, he tends to forget some of his fear. Mind Everly is somewhat scared of them, but is more so annoyed by them. Mind Lanyon Sr. doesn't really have to deal with them, considering his spot on the balcony, and simply watches when they come about.

THE SHADOW PEOPLE

The shadow people are vague, blurry high society folk that remain in the ballroom. They're all dressed very well, their bodies partially see-through as if they're mere ghosts.

The shadow people don't really interact with anyone but each other and Mindkyll, since he somewhat has control over them. They dance amongst each other, muttering nonsensically until their "words" all blur together. They're not very aware of anything, all in all quite mindless, but when there's anything "wrong" or "ungentlemanly", that's when they act more. Their voices start to rise, despite still being mere whispers, growing more cacophonous and anxiety-inducing as they stare. Their judgement of anything odd is ceaseless, usually only calming at Mindkyll's demand or when the oddity leaves the ballroom.

Additionally, mindkyll can manipulate them to react in other basic ways, like acting charmed or shocked, and he usually does it for his own enjoyment. When a nightmare manages to get into the ballroom, the shadow people aren't targeted. Instead they grow more sinister looking, especially expression wise, and their mutterings take on a certain sharpness, their judgements growing harsher. Usually mindkyll needs to remove of the nightmare for them to act normally again.

_______

And that is the basics of the Mindscape! Once again, I'd absolutely LOVE any questions in reblogs, comments, or even my asks :3 thank you so much for reading all of this, I hope you enjoyed!!

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hi, so I'm not really sure how to ask this idk, it feels very personal and maybe tmi, and I guess it depends on one's level of bottom dysphoria, but basically, do you (or anyone else who wants to share) have any advice or anything with how to cope with having to go through a physical exam for bottom stuff/ a pap smear for the first time?

I'm asking this as someone who has and always has had severe bottom dysphoria to the point that I've never done anything with those parts and literally never even touched myself. I've just lived painfully aware that I have that stuff but simultaneously pretending as much as possible that I don't. So just the thought of "having to" get that done, being touched there by someone etc, makes me sick and gives me anxiety and I just full on do not want to do that. Ever. But apparently I have to if I'm ever gonna get a hysto, which I really really want.

So now I just feel like it's lose/lose. Either I have to let someone touch me in a way that just thinking about me makes me sick, or I can never get a part of transition that I've been wanting forever since I was kid and learned about my anatomy.

And I just.. mentally, emotionally, physically in every way just really don't know how to deal with that.

I guess it's not that big of a deal for people who don't have bottom dysphoria or not that much of it, and honestly sometimes I feel kinda alone (and almost guilty? Like it's wrong somehow?) in how extremely uncomfortable I am with bottom stuff compared to how I've seen other people be chill with it, but yeah.. idk what to do or how to cope with this.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad -- I may like my dick, but that hole gives me panic attacks and I'm not looking forward to my own exam coming up soon. I worry every time that I am going to kick someone in the face by accident. :/

A pelvic exam/pap is not required to begin HRT, but you will need one for most hystos. Plus, it's just good preventative care. Also, if you are young enough, get your HPV vaccine (a 2 shot series, iirc) to help prevent cervical cancer.

Things that have helped me during gyn exams:

Take the entire day off, if you can. Have a treat set up for after your appointment.

Go with a friend, if possible. They may not be able to be with you in the exam room, but they can at least drive you and wait for you.

Be firm that this is hard for you and anything they can do to make it easier will be helpful.

Put your shirt back on after the breast exam. I don't take "no" for an answer here. Having an extra bit of clothing on makes me feel better.

Ask for the "pediatric" speculum -- it's smaller and won't hurt as bad. Insist on it.

Have something you can grip to take your focus off below.

If they want to do a sonogram, refuse the transvaginal one. Do it the old fashioned way, which will require drinking a lot of water. They can deal.

Don't be embarrassed if your self-care afterwards requires crying, or similar. This is an exhausting thing to do, no matter how brave a face you put on in the exam room. I usually just crawl back into bed to sleep it off.

Above all, never take comments like "just man up" or whatever from the medical team. If that happens, be mean back, or simply get up, get dressed, and leave. Find someone else if you have to.

Scripts I have used. Workshop your own and practice them:

"This is my first time. I'm worried this will be a very uncomfortable exam physically and emotionally for me and I would appreciate anything you can do to make it easier. It helps me if you explain everything as we go."

"I do not have penetrative sex, so would like to try the smallest speculum lubed up best you can."

"I am going to put my shirt back on. It will help me be calmer for the rest of the exam."

If they are rude: "You are being unkind and I will walk out of here and find another provider if this attitude continues."

If they insist on a transvag sonogram: "I will only do an external sonogram. We can schedule it another day for me to prep, or give me time to drink the necessary water." (This is hard, btw -- it is enough water to make you vomit.)

Do whatever mental larping you need to do to get through it all. It's important to psych yourself up so you can control as much as possible. Remember, you can stop things whenever you want. If they are mean, all bets are off.

If you're like me, it will suck, but please try not to put it off. But getting through it means you can tackle anything else related to transition, should you go that route. Seriously, if you can do this, you are fucking golden. Take care. <3

(Additional stories/advice are welcome from folks, being trans masc not required!)

[daisys-reality]

♡ꜞ˖ ᴘɪᴄᴋ-ᴀ-ᴄᴀʀᴅ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ

What do you fear as a shifter? How should you deal with it? 🍞

⌇ reality shifting themed tarot reading | masterlist | voting

pile one

Overall, you seem to struggle with taking ownership of the decisions you make. And you’re quick to overthink things and together this causes a lot of inner conflict. It seems that one major thing here in regards to your shifting journey is that you fear is being stuck in limbo, you might be anxious over how long it takes and how you might possibly miss opportunities because of this ‘delay’. As others (seem to) move forward, you fear being left behind by the world. This makes you ponder a lot about what direction your life (/shifting journey) is going in… over and over again… and it makes you feel confused, unsure and hesitant. You need to remember that you are the master of your own destiny. Don’t try to blame ‘the universe’ if your situation is a result of choices that you’ve made. 

Sometimes it might feel intimidating to take the first step toward resolving the inner conflict and its roots but that doesn’t mean progress isn’t possible. You can break this frustrating ‘feeling of stagnation’ with some creativity, courage, and clarity! Just do whatever you can to make YOURSELF feel like you’re (more) ready to face whatever is coming towards you - whether you review past DR ideas and scripts or indulge more into DR related topics etc. The point is that you should counterattack your overthinking nature - if you feel that you start spiraling again, do something to assure yourself and to get on track again! Your mind will often have conflicting thoughts but don’t let it ruin your decision making skills.

On a side note, you might also fear getting hurt in your DR - whether mentally, emotionally or physically. There is some kind of imbalance or gap between mind and heart or just misaligned values. If you feel like you’re forcing yourself to experience things that you actually don’t want to experience (or that make you lowkey uncomfortable), try to think about where this stems from. I feel like you might not even be aware of the fact that you’re doing this… Re-evaluate your choices and address these misalignments (inner conflicts) to regain your balance back and to clear up the mental fog. Trying to develop a deeper understanding of your DR self,  their values and beliefs might also help you in understanding what you actually want to experience there. Good luck!

pile two

This is a bit tricky but i think you might fear becoming or being emotionally immature, not wanting to come to terms with your feelings, being defensive about it and lying to yourself or trying to deceive yourself that you’re okay/strong/healthy etc. through senseless meaningless pursuits/things (ex. casual flings, shopping, eating - leading to dependencies/addictions). Frightened and threatened by your own sensitivity, fearing losing control over your emotions, you might try to conceal your insecurities by presenting a distant and uncaring (or overly strong, pretty, overpowered = flawless=unreachable) facade to the outer world. In fact, you might fear being controlled by emotions (through yourself or others) or becoming someone who misuses their emotional intelligence. This might stem from past trauma where you experienced emotional dynamics that were used to manipulate or to exert control. Overall, there is a need for setting boundaries, learning how to be more resilient against emotional manipulations, and becoming more emotionally stable and confident/free/autonome through healthy self expression and management of emotions.

You might also fear not achieving the desired level of success, stability or happiness. You yourself might even worry about becoming too materialistic, too arrogant or losing touch with other values the more time you spend as a (limitless) shifter. While you understand how lucky you are to get to know about shifting in this life, how many opportunities this brings and how it can provide security and comfort, it might not necessarily be solely ‘enough’ to lead to a fulfilling life. You’re concerned about how to balance all these things to not turn into extremes. Deep down, it’s very important to you that you maintain your integrity but you’re afraid of not being strong or capable enough to do so in the face of these limitless opportunities and freedom that shifting entails. Trying to focus more on quality than quantity while choosing your path (your journeys, DRs, your background, your life etc.) will bring you closer to a fulfilling life. 

pile three

You seem to fear discontentment and dissatisfaction at a personal level. You fear that all these experiences will just lead to apathy, disinterest and overall detachment from life or from being alive! You worry that life will just feel boring in the end and you’re scared of what that means. This might be triggering for some but some of you might ultimately fear coming to a point where you’d rather want to d*e then stay alive. 

I can see that deep down you take this very seriously and you have respect for the freedom and limitlessness that shifting offers you but you know how we humans are and how fragile our mind can become just because we’re not ‘prepared’ or ready yet for what we have to face in our lives. 

If you had the choice, you would like to always have a direction or an end destination in mind, you might hate living an aimless life. You don’t want to stagnate; you want to always progress. And while you hate feeling like you’re trapped in your circumstances, you oftentimes stay unwilling to make sacrifices for change because you fear wasting these sacrifices or missing opportunities later on because of these sacrifices. There might be an overall resistance to letting go or a reluctance to see things from a new perspective. I feel like you're someone that would hate being a people pleaser and not having any independent thoughts - becoming narrow minded like others (in your opinion). You don’t want to bend down or surrender. And coming back to the beginning, you fear reaching a point in your life as a shifter where you feel like you have no further direction, where you feel pushed into a corner, forced to start living like the others and adapting their mindset because your way of doing things led you to a stalemate. 

You need to remember that this perception you have is influenced by your attitude and opinions and is not completely free of prejudice or illusions. While some of these imaginings might be a possibility, it is important not to lose yourself in those or rather to not restrict yourself by those imposed limits. Why think about the end when you haven’t even fully started your journey? Stay open-minded. Seek stability in this overwhelming chaos of opportunities. Release outdated attachments, learn as you go and do so with flow -  learn about what makes you happy and what fulfills you. There is no need to think about the afterwards when you haven’t even come close to the end. Just think about the next step while taking care of yourself, your health and happiness. You won’t be hanging aimlessly in the air, you’re more than capable to assert control and structure in your life, at any time. But try to do so with integrity, flexibility and empathy to ensure that your ‘order’ does not become oppression (of yourself).

[zombeebunnie]

Trembling Essence Devlog 5:💙Back into the cabin + route clean up💙

Helloooo and welcome new followers, it's been 2 weeks since the last update so here's part 1 of how things are going this month of May! :]

Firstly I want to say a big thank you as there's been a recent influx of ratings being given towards the [Extended Demo], this really helps the game behind the scenes!! Noah's birthday post for his Spotify playlist also did really well on itch.io which is very awesome given Noah's views towards his birthday! :,,,]

I'm going to go through the last few things that needed some clean up before going straight to the cabin! I mentioned before that I had some CG's and 2 more endings that needed an update.

I'm not sure if I gave these unique names so I'm going to call them downpour and marsh:

The Downpour:

This one was tremendously fixed and upgraded.

To sum it up, even though this ending is similar to one that happens in the [Extended Demo] it plays out in a different area and has two animated sequences instead of one. A animated CG I had for another ending was placed here which gives it a better immersive experience. It took some time to get it to work correctly but I think this ending might be a good 2nd/3rd favorite of mine, specifically for the beginning of the game. :[]

The Marsh:

This one got a fairly large update as far as the dialog goes and there are new CG's that happen here.

I don't want to say too much but Noah and the player(Y/N) react differently towards each other in this path due a continuity issue I came across when going through this. I'm also still in the process of cutting out stuff that isn't as necessary as I originally thought it would be and calming down on the habit of over-doing things.

**I also went through and updated a lot of the animated sequences that still had old code attached to them which makes it easier for me to read and stay organized. In even better news, I was lucky enough to find some old CG files that I needed to bring up to date with all that's new in the game and fix an issue with one animation having a small bug that turned out to be a typo. After I fixed up all of that I adjusted/removed more 'dialog fluff' and fixed more SFX's that weren't in the correct places. :[]

Outside of needing to test through everything etc, I can now confidently say that the start of the game up to the cabin is 100% finished!! Woohoo! :D

Once I update the [Extended Demo] in the future, it'll have a total of 7 different endings specifically through the beginning of the game up until the player(Y/N) and Noah reach the cabin.

IT'S FINALLY CABIN TIME OMG?!:

In really great news I found a way to keep up with everything I create for this game moving forward and I've been pacing myself. To give a bit of back story, I've written a ton of stuff for this game however, the old way my saving method made it hard for future me to find everything I did. Now that I'm getting better at organizing things I've been adapting as I go.

A lot of dialog and choices have been fixed from this, nothing too crazy but I did switch certain responses from the player(Y/N) around depending on your closeness with Noah.

That being said, I found a lot of continuity/balancing issues specifically regarding a certain path/route in the game that's more on the negative side. To be fair, this is probably one of the weakest parts of the game right now since I never really had the chance to expand on it after I uploaded the [Extended Demo] and much has changed since then. After going through more of the script, I feel more comfortable keeping this one just a bit more linear(??) instead. I have no idea how to explain this without spoilers being involved. :,]

Anywho, In great news I managed to get all the way to the 5 choices you can make at this part once Noah goes back to his room.

Playtester's advice + Updated choices:

So on and off for the past few weeks I've been talking to both of my play testers about the cabin section and this specific scene. After the recent polls I created, I was having writers block which made it difficult to progress since the "Talk to Noah.", "Look around.", "Go to sleep.", and "Continue to wait." stem from very old and outdated code/routes that contained spoilers, weak writing, etc. I expressed ideas on how to move forward with the choices and they gave feedback when I was struggling. :,,,,]

"Talk to Noah."

I managed to find a decent idea on how to go about the "Talk to Noah" choice. This one used to progress from the players(Y/N)'s choices but all of this was cut due to early spoilers/over-doing it and a lot of it isn't canon anymore. This had a unique CG too but since I want to be careful on file size/optimization I might re-use a previous CG instead since I plan on redrawing it. There was a continuity issue I came across too but I think I might've found a way around this. I was debating on how the story will progress from this choice but as I was typing this, an idea came to mind! Woohoo! :[]

"Look around."

I'm going to be vague but I was lucky enough to find a decent balance with the "Look around." choice. I was really surprised from recent polls that this choice was picked the most so I do want to focus on this one a little more. This option used to have a different situation happen but I don't think I ever got that far from the outdated code and when I came back to it, all of it isn't canon anymore. I have a interesting way in progressing the story from it which will help certain parts of the game get more shine! I also plan on re-doing the CG at some point now that my drawing skills have improved! :]

"Go to sleep."

I won't have to be too vague with this one but there was a new route intended for this choice. I don't think I ever posted any screenshots from this one specifically because I started working on the [Extended Demo] surprise update back in late 2023. Out of all the routes I wrote up, the strongest ones story-wise were the "Morning" and "Afternoon" route. At some point I'll have to go and find the route for this one.

"Continue to wait."

I won't be vague with this one too since a lot has changed but to give some backstory, this choice actually led to a completely different route as a sort of "Wait...THERE'S MORE? :[]" situation that I think I posted screenshots from but I'm not sure. As I started working on the [Extended Demo] surprise update, everything that happened here got put on hold since it wasn't strong story-wise. Much has changed since then and I've been talking with my play testers on how to progress the story from this choice since this sort-of put a wrench in things since I don't want this pick to line up with the "Afternoon" route. Some ideas have been swirling around in my mind on what to do but nothing is 100% confirmed yet. :,,,]

There's been a lot of stuff I've been working on behind the scenes which involves adjusting a lot of outdated variables, failsafe situations, etc. but I'll talk about all of that in the next game development post! :D

If you like what I create, please consider supporting what I do on kofi! All donations and tips help tremendously while I continue to work on the game. Thank you to those that optionally bought the [Extended Demo] on itch.io. :,]

Q&A / Ask box is open:

To know and understand Noah through Asks and random posts about lore, they'll be under #Get to know: Noah ! :]

**Some asks won't be answered if it contains spoilers but I do appreciate what I receive.

If you have any questions about Trembling Essence/Noah feel free to ask [here] or on itch.io please. This makes it easier for me to see and answer accordingly! I enjoy hearing from you guys!

This is part 1 of 2 of the update so I'll stop here. Thank you guys for the continued support and influx of ratings for the [Extended Demo]! I really appreciate a whole bunch! :,]

[doodle-girl]

“HELLO, THERE”

You may not know me, but I certainly know you. You can call me Ragstra. If you're looking for Lankmann, I'm afraid he's not here right now. I put him away for safe keeping. And I'd prefer to have a word with this lovely audience in-person without any interruption.

You see now, this channel doesn't belong to Lankmann anymore, but to me from here on! Lankmann had the bright idea to pull me out of the spotlight and abandon me after he grew to adore that STUPID LITTLE YELLOW GREMLIN! And personally, I disagree with that casting choice. No, in fact I have my own plans for what's going to happen to him and this little channel of his, and you're going to help me craft it. I'd like to put on a little show for all of you, one that will decide your dear sweet Lankmann's fate.

Now mind you all, this little show of mine is still in preparation, so for now I'll continue to let Lankmann make his content under MY script for a little while. Until then, just think of me as his director, carefully puppeting what videos he makes and what his audience does very closely. I'm looking forward to whatever little productions we craft together, and I certainly hope you'll be there when my show is ready. After all, his life may depend on it, heheheee. Goodbye for now, my dolls."

Sooooo in case you didn’t already catch on by their recent post, @corrupteddoodles and I have been cooking a lot recently. Say hello to the Pastra Arg swap au, aka the “Ragstra’s Show AU”!!! Yippee!!! Featuring Corrupted’s own super-cool super-gender ragdoll design of the beloved purple monster, who’s been otherwise dubbed as “Ragstra” (I like to call them Raggy :3). Personally this au may or may not butt heads with my sitcom au obsession lmao.

Bonus meme because this is basically what this au stemmed from lmao:

(Also big kudos to corrupted for helping with some alt text thank you pookie 👍 <3)

[waitmyturtles]

OKAY. From here on out, I am only watching Kidnap with alcohol. A nice frosty marg, a bubbly mimosa, a goblet of a spritz. A bowl of warm cashews or Marcona almonds as a little hors d'oeuvre. I wanna have the energy of Yada smirking while stepping on Min -- that's how I'll fully embrace the GMMTV-ity of this show.

At least this week's episode (episode 6 for my tracking) was more digestible than last week's. I joked to some of my friends during my watch that I want to be in the room when a new GMMTV series is storyboarded, with pink post-its bearing the word "ROMANCE" pasted over anything else bearing a plot.

Here's the thing, though! So Yada wants to use Q as a pawn to get Kacha off her ass? Q feeling like a pariah because he's traumatized to think that people who get close to him will lose their lives? THERE COULD BE A STORY THERE! AND WE'D GET TO SEE MORE OF YADA, which we want/need in this show. We need her criminal sessiness more, A LOT MORE.

But yeah, as I understand what happened with Peaceful Property this week (I don't go there, though), we had more plot glossed over for the memorable wubby bits... but, cough cough, at least you're not going to hear me complain about Min/Ohm in that studio (lemme sip on dat drink for a sec, whew golly).

Let me quickly complain about Leng, though. He's just not experienced enough, even for a bad script. I'd argue the bad script is making him look WORSE, as he's got really nothing to work towards, not a grapple on a ladder to climb onto. I'd be afraid of him attempting real emotional build-up of a complicated and sensible plot, but even a straightforward, easily digestible romance-only plot might have been better for him than this, where he has to change emotional postures depending on if he's running away, if he's pushing someone away, or if he's involved in the lean-in. He's not able to switch up his emotional constitutions for the sake of representing Q as the complicated character he's supposed to be, and it's weighing the show down.

Not that this is the only thing weighing the show down, but at least the plot moved forward.... kinda, although wtf dad Kacha for blaming Q's EMOTIONS for getting him into trouble -- well done taking accountability, DAD. At least that bit was in-line insane with the rest of the show, and kind of hilarious when you think about it.

ANYWAY -- next week, KIDNAP HAPPY HOUR IS ON ME.

(P.S. PLEASE GIVE ME A SPOTLIGHT ON SUEA/PAPANG'S CONFLICTS NEXT WEEK, PLEEEEEEEEZE. MORE PAPANG.)

[thekatebridgerton]

I know they're going to change Sophie I just hope they don't change everything about her. If they want to make her queer that's cool. But I will be mad if they decide they go the Strong Female Not Like The Other Girls path. That's not Sophie. This girl punched her abuser because she got sick of her mistreating her daughter.

I understand and I'm sure they won't change her personality that much, Sophie is such a resilient and kind character.

honestly don't want to get into this conversation other than to say that there is something about losing the trust of the audience and never getting it back that Bridgerton needs to work on. With time and a lot of space, I've come to understand that what was done to Michael obliterated the trust that both sides of the discourse had towards the showrunners. Which could have been avoided if there was some sort of build up towards the reveal of Michaela being a woman, maybe John could have talked about his female cousin, or maybe we could have seen some mention of a female Stirling in previous seasons.

The thing about Penelope as a love interest, is that there was a lot of build up there to position her as a love interest. Simon was introduced directly as the main romanceable character of S1 and Kate's appearance, was foreshadowed all the way to the end of s1, to the point where her appearance in s2 was expected and welcome. The show has worked to establish a void that needed to be filled in the lives of Anthony, Colin and Benedict that foreshadowed the appearance and personality of their love interest in the course of 3 seasons.

Francesca, had none of that. Furthermore the appearance of her future love interest, without any foreshadowing or previous build up, obliterated the trust the audience had in the show, when it came to future love interests. Springing a jack in the box love interest 'surprise' is only good if the surprise is something the receiver was actually looking forward to, because you let off a hint here and there. This surprise had about the same effect as a surprise marriage proposal from a person you're not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with (No shade to Penelope tho).

I keep hearing things like 'will Sophie be changed to Cressida?' or 'Will Sophie even be a woman?' and a lot of other things that basically boil down to the same question 'What will happen to Sophie? because the showrunners just proved we can't trust them anymore' and my honest reply is that, like all of you, I don't know either. There is a lot of uncertainty, that has been growing and growing ever since the show started changing major plotlines in s2, and culminated with that sucker punch to viewers trust in s3. You all have a right to be worried, I am too, for all we know Sophie could be changed into Cressida, Sienna or Theo, they could bring in Hunter Schafer to play Sophie just as they could Brandy Norwood, Manny Hacinto or Camilla Cabello. The possibilities are endless, some people will like it some will not, the common denominator is that those endless possibilities were created by breaking the viewer trust in the show's capabilities of making a book accurate adaptation. Some of you are okay with that some of you are not.

Either way, whatever they do will be what Nextflix and the Bridgerton showrunners want, depending on a multitude of factors (timing, money, covid, many script rewrites, money, which executive got dismissed and which got hired in the HR department, did I mention money), factors that, as has been proven time and time again, have nothing to do with the viewer wishes.

So if you're one of those viewers who has seen the stars align and with your wishes and the wishes of the showrunners powers that be, congratulations.... you've hit the jackpot, and all future Bridgerton seasons will be exactly as you want them to be. Oh.. do I hear a smidge of uncertainty from you too, dear viewer who was completely satisfied last season and got everything they wanted?. What do you mean you also don't trust the show to deliver on what they promised in s4? I'm sorry I can't help you, must be some sort of fluke in the matrix.

As for the rest of us, who have gone trough our share of highs and lows, and especially to the Benophie nation, all I can say is to stay strong and hope that good things will happen in the s4 production. We got 2 years, Sophie may not be what we all expect, but we will love her anyway, or at the very least, we will support whoever the show casts as Sophie.

And that's the tea

[thelaurenshippen]

When you write your characters, do they have specific, locked-in physical appearances? Does that only come once you get the characters cast/does it match what the VAs look like irl? I was thinking about how, when I listen to TBS I picture the characters different than you probably do or how other listeners do.

For me, I usually only picture things like height/build and hair color/length, but even that is different from other interpretations I see in fanart. What’s it like to see fanart of characters who don’t have faces?

great question!!! no, absolutely not, pretty much never. I have a hard time coming up with character appearances even in books--I am just not a visual person! in writing prose, I of course do have to determine what they look like, but it's not usually the first thing that comes to mind.

when I wrote TBS, I had absolutely no thoughts about what the characters looked like beyond certain vibes (mark: handsome, agent green: beanpole, damien: exceptionally average, etc.) but that said, I'm not sure I necessarily picture every single character looking like their actor. and that's largely because we have so much incredible fanart for the show, that every time I see a new version of a character, I'm like "that's it!". so, to answer the last question in your ask, it RULES

but it's a little different depending on how the casting went. with the exception of Chloe and Sam, almost all the original roles in TBS (so, the first four seasons), were written without a specific actor in mind okay, I started to write a long paragraph about each of the characters and then realized it might be fun to go through the whole original cast and talk about how each actor ended up in that role--

(my god this got long I'M SO SORRY I feel like I've hijacked your really nice and straightforward question)

Sam - easy; she was written for me, she is me, and yet I never picture her looking like me

Chloe - I knew I wanted to get Anna to be a part of the show, so I wrote Chloe with her in mind. but I also don't really picture Chloe looking like her!

Dr. Bright - the hidden lore of TBS is that I thought about playing this role for about half a second, instead of playing Sam (thank GOD I wised up). I don't remember the thought process of casting Julia at all because I'm pretty sure I was just sitting in acting class one day as she was doing a scene and was like "oh, there she is"

Caleb - god, it's so weird to try and remember when these people were strangers to me - Briggon was so big-hearted in acting class, that I knew he'd bring so much to Caleb. but it was watching him do a gruffer scene in class that made me ask him - I wanted Caleb's big heart to make itself known more slowly. Briggon has an essence that I picture with Caleb, but I don't picture Briggon as Caleb, if that makes sense.

Adam - in lots of ways, Briggon cast Adam! he and Alex had been buds for ages and when I wrote the episode in which Adam first appears, I needed someone to do a few quick lines and Briggon suggested Alex. and that was supposed to be that - I had no plans to ever have Adam appear in the show again. but then, of course, we recorded with Alex and I simply had to make him a presence in the show. ditto here in terms of essence vs. appearance.

Damien - I remember the moment I (mentally) cast Charlie so vividly. I'd already shared the season 2 script where Damien first appears with Julia and she was very eager to know who I was going to cast - I think we were talking about it before class, because we both knew that we needed someone very specific and very good. and I'm like "idk! I haven't thought about it in depth yet!". and then Charlie was doing some scene or other in class and Julia and I literally leaned forward in our chairs so that we could look down the row at each other because we had the exact same thought at the exact same time. and we shared this look and that was that. I've never pictured Damien as looking like Charlie, because Charlie is way too good looking.

Mark - these next two were really hard to cast. mostly because I had such a specific idea in my head of a vocal tone/vibe, and I didn't know any actors who fit that perfectly. and it took several weeks of sunday classes with Andrew before I asked if he wanted to get coffee and talk about it. and it took that long because Andrew has this very annoying thing about him where he's literally so versatile and so grounded and real and fucking good in every role he does, that every time I'd watch him perform, all I could see is what he was doing in the moment and nothing else. I would get totally lost in what he was doing and, of course, it is that exact quality that makes him such a compelling Mark. I picture Andrew as Mark about...32% of the time.

Agent Green - an insurmountable task. no one in my acting class was right for it. no friends of friends were right for it and I asked around a lot, got sent a lot of voice memos. and then I was doing a short film with Anna and Ian was there - I'd met him once before when he was in a Rocky Horror production with Anna - and I really dug his energy. and he wasn't right at all for what I was imagining Agent Green to be, but I was like "you know what, I want to work with this actor, and it's one small-ish role in two episodes" and then we got Ian in with Julia and all of a sudden I was like "WELL I GUESS I HAVE TO WRITE A WHOLE AGENT GREEN STORYLINE NOW" (this has happened to me several times. goddamn actors). I think the Green in my head is like...the combination of Ian and his common fan art representation.

Wadsworth - I met Alex doing the same short film - she was in it and also doing fight choreographer and was just incredibly competent and cool. I knew I wanted Wadsworth to be someone who could really boss people around but, like.....in a hot way. it helped that Alex and Ian knew each other pretty well, because obviously that dynamic is central to both those characters. and I think, similarly, Wadsworth is half Alex, half fan art in my head

Frank - I hadn't really planned on bringing Frank into the show itself - kind of an Adam situation - but I saw Phillip do a very interesting intense scene in class and just....couldn't stop thinking about it. despite writing the role into the show more or less for Phillip, I don't really picture Frank as looking that much like him.

Rose - this one was pretty straightforward - I wrote Rose, thought through actresses I knew who had a particular energy and could also sing and Alana popped into my head right away! (the only other actress that came close was Helen, who plays Helen in TAMA which, as you can guess, was written for her. she's got an incredible singing voice like Alana does, but Alana was the better fit, and I got to have Helen villain it up, which was so fun, and have a fucked up thing with Wadsworth (Alex and Helen are irl besties)). but I don't picture Rose in any particular way, other than the cover art for SFP!

Charlie - I loved Ars Paradoxica, I loved Reyn in Ars Paradoxica, and it just felt right. I do think I picture Charlie as Reyn actually.

honorable mentions from the spin-offs:

Mags - I knew pretty much immediately that I wanted to get Bryce in the mix of TAMA and wrote Mags for her in the same way I wrote Chloe for Anna. Bryce and I met doing a production of Spring Awakening years and years previously (she was Martha, I was Wendla) and she's such a talent! I don't really picture Mags like Bryce though - I think I picture Mags as being much nerdier.

Beck - Jason "Marley" Beck has a very specific description in the books. he's a tall, hulking white guy with a buzz cut and a kind of frankenstein's monster energy to him. he's pale as shit. when I wrote him into TCT, I looked for actors like that (and found some truly great ones!) but I'd left the role open and when I heard Chris's audition I was like "welp. that's Beck. I guess Beck is going to be Black in podcast canon!" and that's what we did. podcast canon and book canon are technically two slightly different versions running on parallel tracks, and I wanted to go with the actor that I felt best fit the role, regardless of the fact that the book had already been published. so the image of Beck in my head is different for the book and the podcast.

Oliver - ah, Oliver. the surprising fan favorite. or, really, not that surprising, because I had the exact same reaction to Kristian when I first met him. he auditioned for a role in Passenger List and, while I was of course already a fan of his from Orphan Black, I was still shocked at just how much fun the audition was. and to be clear: auditions suck so so so so so bad. and for PL, they were full 6 hour days of watching actor after actor after actor and, well, it's my least favorite part of the process always. but for the, like, 5 minutes Kristian was in the room, I was having a genuinely good time. so of course we cast him and he was as lovely to direct as he'd been in his audition. when Caitlin came up with Oliver, I think we both had something very different in mind. but there was a mad scientist energy to him that made me think of Kristian so I pitched him to her and she liked the idea and the rest is history. and then, of course, he and Andrew's chemistry was a wild lovely surprise, so we brought him back. gun to my head, I could not tell you what I think Oliver looks like.

[lilliesthings]

I saw it as Gideon feeding is own ego, with a protege of his own after being one to Max. He definitely was someone who could read people well (i mean he was a PROFILER). He found a young gifted man who didn't have anybody and paid attention to him and convinced him to join him in his career. I believe he tried to do the same with Ethan since they mentioned he was at the academy at the same time, but Ethan dipped to become a jazz musician. Gideon had the power to push Reid through the processes of joining theBau and Reid was essentially his pet project. Reid got someone who wanted him around and Gideon got praised for scouting him and their department running smoother than ever. Ultimately Gideon didn't really help Reid through anything, and then abandoned him with a letter instead of actually saying goodbye to him. He KNEW how much that would hurt someone like Reid and did it anyway. He set up a chess game and never showed and made him seek him out. (tw for MCD) Though, to be fair, it is surmised by some that they changed the script at some point, possibly due to Mandy's demands at the time. It's been said the original intent was for Gideon to have committed suicide and that Reid was supposed to have found him there along with a note. Which would have been WORSE, obviously. That all playing out just as Reid was also finally sober and had no other parental figures in his life, it would have been even more devastating.

I'm not looking forward to them bringing back someone with a connection to Gideon on the show, and without Reid being there who was arguably the closest person he had in the seasons he was on seems kind of dull. Then have Rossi bring him up, someone we only ever saw him talk to in flashbacks of their youth. He left the show in 2007 and died in 2015 I'm tired of Gideon. Are they going to just rehash Gideon drama forever?

Tbh, to me, it was Gideon assuaging his own guilt towards Stephen.

Gideon is a flawed flawed man, and a running theme they seemed to have with him is that while he takes those actions, with no malicious intent, he can't foresee their terrible consequences : the 6 agents, Elle in the Fisher King, Reid in Revelations, and in the grand scheme of things, bringing Reid into the FBI thinking he's doing right by him, which didn't turn out so good depending on how you look at it. When the consequences really catch up to him, he seems to be in way over his head and can't follow through. He didn't show up for his son to the point where Stephen thought he wasn't wanted (and was quite detached at the news of his death, in a striking contrast to Spencer). But Gideon is also compassionate and he genuinely cares, he bought Reid these tickets for his birthday, he walked him through that (not) date, through his first kill, told him he was proud of him. For me at least, the reason they gravitated toward each other is that for awhile they filled a void in each other's lives of the absent father and the distant son, and it was his way of compensating for abandoning Stephen. But I also think he cared nowhere as intensely about Reid as Reid cared about him, and even that too was not out of malice (which makes it kinda more sad)

He was right to leave, and he was wrong in the incredibly convoluted way he did it. He could have answered Reid's calls, he could have sent a text saying that he's safe but he's leaving, hell he could have MAILED that letter, because people loved him and were clearly worried for his well being and whereabouts at this point. But to make someone doing the whole guesswork of going to a cabin in the middle of the woods to fetch a letter? That looked bad. I would have had a heart attack. 

I admit liked him a whole lot as a character, I particularly enjoyed seeing him walking in circles in Hankel's bathroom telling himself that he did the right thing. I genuinely like watching character's fuck ups play out, but I agree that Gideon at this point seems so detached from the show, and without Reid there either to act unhinged at the mention of him ... eh ..... we'll see I guess.

[butterflydm]

pulling out bits from recent cast interviews re: s3

Several sets of interviews came out today! wotseries.com has six (!); looper.com, decider.com, & collider.com all have one each.

(speculation and spoilers for s3 and for the books through TFoH)

In Ceara's wotseries interview, we get this little hint:

WotSeries: How far along in the books are you? Ceara: I wouldn’t want to say because I read up to where we are in the scripts, and I think that would give away too much.

This implies to me that s3 is going to go a bit beyond The Shadow Rising, at least in places, because it's no secret that TSR is going to be the spine of the season.

We get more from Daniel:

WotSeries: How about any movement towards developing the relationship between Lan and Nynaeve in season three? Daniel: Season three, yes, it’s more of a build season for those two. There are some really great scenes, some stuff we’re really happy with. We do get to see some intimate stuff, not sexual stuff necessarily. So, some moments with them. But with Lan and Nynaeve, it’s this working toward what the book readers know it’s going to be. It all depends on how much time we get, how many seasons we get to do this thing. That’s a relationship that I’m really excited about and I love working with Zoë.

So, again, yeah, that really does make me feel like we're going to get one or two episodes at the start of the season where the whole crew is together and bonding. In the books, Lan and Nynaeve basically don't see each other at all between splitting up at the beginning of TSR and then eight million years later in ACoS. I do think that we might also get a reunion of at least some of the characters at the end of s3, though.

In Donal's interview:

Dónal: Well, I have big faith in Mat. I’m pretty confident in him. Regarding chatting to women.

This makes me wonder if we're getting Melindhra introduced next season. Because, uh, Mat has not really had a lot of success so far. I mean, apart from the very first episode.

Dónal: Well, there’s loads that you can look forward to in season 3. I mean, we’ve got much of it. I feel like I’ve filmed a good stretch of it, and I’ve really enjoyed the material and the new arc. This arc that I go on this season. And I think you can just expect things to be… there’s more moments with the characters to kind of learn about them in more quiet, subtle ways, more revealing ways. And I think it’s probably common knowledge that Mat does change his clothes between 2 and 3. You know, like really, we would have to ask questions and get concerned if he didn’t. I feel like I could tell you that. And I’m excited, man. I’m very happy to be wearing what I’m wearing.

Not that this should be shocking to anyone, lol, but Mat will have an arc next season! Dónal does a good job of not saying anything here though, lol. We WOULD have to be concerned if he hadn't changed clothes, yes, lol. I am excited to hear that Mat is getting some good character moments next season.

Ceara also shared this with us in the collider interview:

My script is always annotated with little quotes from the books, which I really love.

That's amazing! I think this is the first time anyone has mentioned it? That's a really neat way of giving the actors context for their lines.

We all knew that Elayne & Nynaeve would get a big story together in s3 but we get that confirmed:

We see Elayne bump into certain characters this season, but obviously, this cast is huge and growing all the time. I'm sure you cannot go into too many spoilers about Season 3, but for Ceara the actor, which characters are you really excited for Elayne to get to have more screen time with? COVENEY: I'm really excited to continue the journey that Zoë and I have started with Nynaeve and Elayne. I'm really excited to see where that goes because they've had such a rough start and were thrown into such extreme situations. So yeah, if the fans lovingly call it the Detective Agency, I'm excited to see if the business is thriving.

Natasha had two interviews that I've seen, one with decider and one with looper.

There's nothing for s3 in the decider interview that I could see, but from looper we get:

But it's not just about the evil deeds; it's also about the politics. When you come into Season 3 — without giving anything away — it opens up the mind to this more vulnerable side of Lanfear and where she's coming from. The relationship with Rand — there are scenes in Series 2 [where] you get little glimpses and nuggets of that, that there is a vulnerability there, or more reasons rather than just being dark and evil. Circling back to a previous comment, you said Lanfear knows what she wants. As Natasha, what do you think Lanfear wants? The goal in the whole realm of the world is, if I put it like … Beyoncé and Jay-Z. She wants to be the king and queen. What she wants is the Dragon and her to be together, have their kingdom, make some good choices. That's her main goal, and to shoo away anybody else that gets in the way of that.

So it sounds like we might be getting Lanfear's Big Offer (we could challenge the Creator) to Rand in s3, which would make sense.

[romance-of-three-memes]

Everyone nowadays talk about Fire Emblem Three Houses like it's the defining entry of the series and a lot of people act like it's the best thing that's ever happen to it but honestly? If you're trying to get into Fire Emblem as a series it's one of the worst places to start. It deviates a lot from the gameplay of other entries and that's fine, even if I'm kind of sick of the super specialized school taking over video games after it got super popular in anime last decade.

I mean, I love Three Houses (yes, it does take a lot of inspiration from Romance of the Three Kingdoms and yes, the faction that's the most like Wu is my favorite, but I swear that's coincidence because I wasn't even thinking about that when I first played it). But it's a terrible place to start, especially since I've seen a lot of people only play Three Houses and show no interest in playing anything else in the series, which yes, is also fine, I hate weird video game elitists and the Fire Emblem fandom can be one of the worst I've ever seen in that regard, what I mean is that a lot of new fans seem to go 'neat that was fun, I'm satisfied :)' instead of 'yeah I want more of this!' when their only exposure is Three Houses.

Anyway I have three recommendations on where to start, it's a series with seventeen main entries and who knows how many spin-offs so that can be pretty intimidating to newcomers, but most of them are one-off settings, like each game introduces a new world and new characters so you don't have to worry about playing most of them in order. All three of the games I'm mentioning are one-offs.

It kind of depends on what you're looking for most. Do you want something you can easily access on a modern console and is a much better representation of the series' gameplay and difficulty than Three Houses or my other suggestions (there's a lot of variance in that)? Then honestly, Engage is the place to go. People love to shit talk Engage and they did it before the game even released because of Intsys' lackluster marketing, and it was released right after Three Houses, people were always going to be extremely harsh on its direct predecessor. Hell, I wasn't even sure about it and put it off for a month or so when it came out, but now that I've played it I love it a lot. Lol sometimes I think I like it better than Three Houses. Also your player avatar can marry everyone regardless of gender, something which is brand new in a series that's had marriage mechanics for a good while now. Back in MY DAY if we wanted that we had to install MODS or settle for a small handful of characters, if even that, Awakening didn't have any of that despite literally no one in that army being straight (no, not even Virion, who multiple people on this website have picked fights with me about).

Anyway if you want something that's nowadays a little harder to access but is still pretty modern, and if you want a fairly easy entry into the series in terms of gameplay difficulty, I suggest Awakening, which is my personal favorite in the whole series (even if in retrospect it's hilariously busted in terms of game mechanics and it's Cisheteronormativity on Steroids, but don't worry, we have very extensive mods for that and they're easier to install than ever!)

I haven't quite finished Sacred Stones yet but I also think it would be a good place to start if you want something pretty straight-forward and retro and you think you can handle getting emulators to work, because a lot of legit physical copies of older Fire Emblem games are insanely expensive. Like +$200 USD expensive. This game is also similar to other older titles in that it lacks a player avatar (which most modern titles have) as well as casual mode, which is an option you can choose where if a playable character falls in battle, they'll be usable in the next battle. They'll never die unless it's scripted in the game's plot. In 'classic mode', which is all you have in most older FE games, once a character's HP hits 0, they're gone for good. You can't use them anymore because they literally die. I mean... You CAN just 'save scum', that's what most of us do, but still. There's been so much elitist griping about casual mode vs classic mode over the years but it's died down a lot from at its peak when Awakening was the newest entry, Christ people would NOT stop bitching about Awakening having casual mode, or just about Awakening in general, despite the fact that it literally saved the series, helped make it one of Nintendo's 'bigger' IPs in the west, and is the only reason we have everything that came after that. So there you go.

[specialinterestshows]

Go on a short road trip to meet up with your girlfriend in this particularly long chapter of my Rhea Ripley x lady!reader fic, Absolute Smokeshow.

Warnings for this section: Suspicious/unpleasant strangers (can be interpreted as racism, depending on the reader), dirty talk, social/crowd anxiety, parasocial media

-

Absolute Smokeshow (Part 63 of ?): The Best Planned Lays

“Heading out now! Should get there after the show ends. Love you!”

After hitting “send”, you switched over from the texts between you and Rhea to the ones between you and Marisol. The two of you had been messaging almost constantly since the smoke session at your apartment; she had left you with a parting kiss that had been difficult to get off your mind.

“Going to be driving for a while. You can still send messages, I just won’t see them for a couple hours.”

Rhea’s text reached you right after you hit send on Mari’s:

“Love you, babe - see you soon”

It ended with her usual black heart, making you bite your lip and smile. You’d been looking forward to tonight all week.

Checking that you had everything you needed one last time, you set your phone inside your bag before looking through your CDs and popping in your favorite.

The first hour of your trek flew by - you hummed and sang along to the music, sipping water when you had the cruise control on. Every now and then, you would remember what awaited you and couldn’t help but get excited at the thought.

After your journey reached an hour and a half’s time, the water caught up with you and you began looking for a rest stop - casually at first, then more urgently.

“I’llbuysomethinginaminutesorry!” you call across the diner whose lot you parked in, dashing past the tables toward the “customers only” sign above the restroom door.

“You better!” an exhausted voice shouts back from the register as you quickly shuffle into the bathroom.

“So what’ll it be?”

The voice startled you as you walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later, almost running into the woman from the register. She looked you over warily, eyes resting on your bag for more than a second.

“Your order,” she clarified, widening her stance as if she expected you to run.

“Let me take a look at what you have,” you tell her, slowly walking over to the counter as you took out your wallet to show her you did, in fact, intend on paying for something.

This seemed to satisfy her, but did nothing to brighten her mood as she walked behind the counter.

“Hmmm…” you looked through the glass at the ready-made goods, spotting an appetizer you could easily devour before continuing your drive, “Can I get a serving of that?”

“For here or to go?” she asked, unenthusiastically reciting the line as the plate your order sat on was taken from the shelf.

“To go, please.”

As nice as the diner seemed - quiet, with only a few other customers - you knew eating in the parking lot would get you back on the road faster. The service wasn’t exactly enticing you to eat in either.

“Figures,” she mumbled - no doubt going off-script - before boxing your food and putting it into a bag along with plastic silverware and some napkins.

“That’s your total,” the woman pointed to the numbers on the display that faced you, not making eye contact even when you handed her the payment.

“No refunds,” she said, her hand resting where the receipt was printing before tearing it and handing you your copy and the order. Then, flatly, “Have a nice day.”

“You too!” you called back as you skipped back out to the parking lot, food in hand. Your cheeriness had as much to do with being closer to your destination as it did with being free from that grueling social interaction.

As soon as you slung your bag back into the car, something fell out. Setting your food down on the seat and picking your phone up off the ground, you notice Marisol had sent you two messages.

“Stay safe, belleza” made you grin, but the text that followed it took a moment to process:

“Want to spend the night at mine next week? All night”

Your face warmed at the pink heart that ended the text and you scrambled, almost dropping your phone again in your hurry to reply:

“You know I do!”

Feeling giddy as you cleared your seat, you sat down and opened your bag of food, leaving the car door open as you began your meal. Changing text conversations, you tap “Mami,” type out your message, and look it over before sending it:

“Hey babe, taking a snack break before hitting the road again. Just wanted to let you know that next week I’m going to be staying the night with a woman I met at the bar. See you soon!”

It wasn’t long before you finished your hurried meal and continued your drive.

This second stretch seemed longer - your anticipation, the fact that there wasn’t a trace of sunlight left, or both were likely to blame. Focusing on the road ahead, illuminated by your headlights, you idly thought about how your night with Rhea and Dom might go. At least, your thoughts were idle when they began - soon you had to think of something else as you began to shift in your seat, your body responding all too readily.

When you finally pull into the parking lot of the venue, you turn into the nearest open spot to take another look at the instructions Rhea sent you - it was difficult to find the doors to the right part of the building without them.

Somehow, you didn’t expect to open your phone to so many messages: Marisol and two of your friends, but no reply from your girlfriend to your news.

You looked at the text from Marisol first:

“Can’t wait to take my time with you”

A blush warmed your cheeks as you smiled, remembering the charming way she winked when you saw the winking face in the message.

Deciding your friends could wait, you pulled up the instructions to find where you were supposed to pick up Rhea and Dominik.

Meandering around the large parking lot, you finally found it - crowded by fans being kept a few feet away from the exit by two security guards.

Some of the people in the small crowd had signs and all of them seemed to be pointing their phones at the doors in anticipation.

Taking a closer look, you realize most of the signs have the words hastily scrawled onto the poster board.

“Rhea Ripley’s future girlfriend” read one.

“This is my bisexuality!” another stated.

You hadn’t realized just how many queer fans your girlfriend had.

Parking in a nearby space, you pull out your phone again, messaging Rhea:

“I’m here!”

As you waited for a response, you moved on to your friends’ messages:

“Congrats on going public!” the first one said. Even without context, you felt a sudden sinking sensation in the pit of your stomach.

Rather than reply, you checked your other friend’s message in the hopes that it might shed some light:

“Have you seen this?” they asked, providing a link after the text.

You followed the link, heart pounding.

“Rhea Ripley Interview” the title read, followed by today’s date.

“Cathy Kelley here,” the video opened on a smiling brunette holding a microphone, her name appearing at the bottom of the screen, “reporting on tonight’s events with the Judgment Day’s eradicator, Rhea Ripley.”

The camera panned out a bit to reveal your girlfriend standing next to the WWE correspondent, powerful as ever, her name also appearing onscreen.

“It’s an honor to be interviewing the most dominant woman in the WWE,” Cathy continued as Rhea pulled her phone out of her pocket, glancing at the screen, “Now, how did you feel about the way Jey Uso spoke to you tonight? Implying you’re the leader of the Judgment Day? Flirting with you in front of your… Latino heat?”

You watched a complex wave of emotions pass over Rhea’s face as she scanned her phone before pushing it back in her pocket, donning a familiar smirk, and pulling the microphone that was pointed at her closer.

“Seeing as Dom and I have an open relationship, the flirting isn’t really a problem,” she told the camera, “In fact, I have a girlfriend as well.”

We never talked about this, you thought, heart racing as you hit pause to glance down at the number of views; already over a thousand, despite being posted only an hour ago. All those people, fans around the world - all of them knew Rhea Ripley had a girlfriend. They would be curious.

The thought of that many people crowding around made you feel sick to your stomach.

The phone buzzed in your hand, a message from Rhea telling you she would be out in a minute.

Looking over at the mass of fans by the doors, you made yourself come to terms with the fact that picking your girlfriend up from work wasn’t going to be as easy as you had hoped. You crossed your fingers for a moment as you did your best to keep your breathing steady, gathering the strength to pull up to the curb.

[end part sixty-three of ?]

Part 64: https://www.tumblr.com/specialinterestshows/743266675618627584/absolute-smokeshow-part-64-of-love-sex

-

Tag List (thank you!)

@littlemiss-fanficlover , @babybatlover , @girlofpink , @kagome2909 , @domripley , @wiccanpriestess , @falloutboy-lover , @aut0luminescence , @nobilitando , @riverina69

[is-she-suffering]

11/2004 - Repeat Fanzine

Queen Adreena

INTERVIEW WITH KATIE JANE GARSIDE By Lucy Watson, Laura Morrison and Tom Bage

Lucy: Your band have been quite quiet for the last few months. Are you looking forward to playing gigs again? Katie Jane Garside: "I think I give very obtuse answers to questions...It's never about looking forward to it. Actually maybe I should change the script, maybe we are looking forward to it. (Laughs). It's difficult to say because the last few months have felt strange, it's felt like going down a plughole. I've got a real sense of vertigo at the moment. So I can't tell you that I'm looking forward to it. I will get through it and find where I land after that. That's what will happen."

Lucy: 'Taxidermy' and 'Drink Me' are quite drastically different in their musical styles, so what kind of sound can we expect from the 3rd album? KJG: "We don't know yet. We're playing a lot of new material tonight so you'll be able to judge that for yourself. When I'm this close up to it, it's really difficult to tell. I'm on a bit of a negative slant today, but usually with our music I can only hear the bits that have gone wrong rather than anything that went right. When you reflect back on something it's very difficult to give an objective opinion, and I don't believe in objectivity anyway, I think everything's subjective. I just throw a deck of cards and wherever they land, that's where she finds herself. I'm not really the one to explain my part in it, you must do that as the observer really, and of course that will reflect your part in the grand scheme of things."

Lucy: Do you enjoy playing live more than the creative process in the studio? KJG: "(Laughs) I don't enjoy any of it. It comes and it goes, ok? There's nothing like when you're writing and you manage to catch something by its tail; when you're looking for those things underground that are skittering out of sight just when you're about to catch them. And when you catch them it is worth it, but it's a momentary pleasure. I've got so much noise upstairs, and I can hear things in my head that to me are absolutely devastatingly beautiful. I'm always trying to download them and get them here, but they never get here in the right state, they're always very disabled and they don't even begin to imitate what I can hear in my head. It's a frustrating process in the main."

Lucy: Your lyrics are simultaneously emotionally expressive and cryptic. Are you looking to be understood by your audience? KJG: "I'm always trying to understand myself, but it's like there's a point in the centre of the room, and there's a hundred windows to look at the same point from. All I can do is give you different angles on the same thing. God, you know, if I could find one conclusive thing in anything I would probably have something to put an anchor down on. But I cant, and I haven't met anyone that can. You can pick out anything you like in my lyrics, I don't seek to be cryptic. I love words for the sake of words, for me they're kind of free standing, and they don't really need to be explained. I think every word has its own character and colour and picture and the result you get with lyrics just depends how you put them together. You could just do it in a William Burroughs-esque way, or throw the deck of cards, and you'd probably still find something that our tiny little minds would latch on to in order to gain some kind of emotional understanding. I don't think there's a constant, the only constant that there is for me is that there is no constant. I use myself as my canvas, I gut myself and fillet myself the whole fucking time, I'm always hooking myself out of the water, I'm always cutting my own head off and disembowelling myself, and as you can probably tell I'm quite angry about it at the moment. I'm very tired of it all, of my process and how I find life, because it always seems to be about living and dying all in one breath. I'm getting pretty fucking tired of that."

Lucy: Do you think drugs stimulate or hinder creativity? KJG: "Well that depends on the drug, because I think most things arrive in the form of a drug really. I know in myself that if anything I am, much to my greater expense, an adrenalin junkie. My synapses don't work well enough to put pills in my mouth, I can't do that, despite popular opinion. I don't need any help breaking down, put it that way. There's not much holding it together. If there was a drug that could put a line between two polar opposites and make them in to one thing I'm sure I would have it intravenous, but I haven't found it. I think drugs can be a bit of a lazy way for creativity anyway, you're better off in the cold light of day in the mirror."

Lucy: As a band, you are distinguished by the extreme physicality of your live performances. Do you consciously make an effort to put on a show or do your performances just naturally come to you, and whatever happens, happens? KJG: "It's a bit of both, because you see, I think taking the stage is one of the most unnatural things anyone can do. In a way, just walking on stage actually creates an altered state - its not right, no one's meant to do that, unless you're a priest or a magician, or something like that. To put somebody who's very incapable in many ways in to that position creates a combustion reaction inside me. I know that, and I take the stage knowing that. Obviously there's all the usual things that affect my performance; if I'm on my 45th day of a tour I'm probably gonna be pretty fucking tired, so I'll be dictated by that. If I'm doing new material like tonight I don't know what's going to happen, because we haven't built the train tracks yet. The beauty of playing live is when my drummer goes in to 5th gear or in to 10th gear, and for some reason there's something that hits me in the base of the spine and I'm gone, and that's Halleluiah for me. During the last few months a lot of strange things have been happening onstage, I think the process is changing. I don't know what's going to happen tonight, I've been having quite a tough time on stage, I feel like something's pulling me under, as if something's got me."

Lucy: So does the crowd influence your performances on stage? KJG: "Yes they do. I'm unkind enough to be pretty impersonal about how I do it, so I use them for me to kick against in effect, or to surf on, (I don't mean physically surf). If you're in an empty room and there's a couple of people at the back, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a bad show - they might get the show of their lives. And then again when something's really heaving and going off, I get quite a distorted view of it, because I can feel quite overwhelmed lose my sense of place in the situation. I lose control of myself. I don't know, I probably wasn't meant to do this, I wasn't built for this. It wasn't a career option, I didn't start there and go there, I didn't pick up the things on the way. I've sort of gone round and round."

Lucy: As the lead singer of the band, most media interest is focused on you. Do you feel pressurised by your position or do you enjoy being the centre of attention? KJG: "I've been here on this wheel long enough, (and I say this with a little bit of trepidation because I think you have to be really careful with this kind of thing, because the motivation to do it in itself I think is usually pretty corrupt) I'm not doing it for anyone else, I need a cheque through the door like anybody else does, you have to keep eating, you have to keep living. I'm looking for some sense of going home on my own terms, and people's critique of me is not relevant, whether it's positive of negative. I do need a cheque through the door though, otherwise I'll have to go and be a butcher or something."

Lucy: What is the religious meaning behind the song "For I am the way"? KJG: "If you use the word religion in its truest sense, all it means is communion, it hasn't got any of the attachments to any written word. My understanding of the word communion is loss of the sense. Another way of looking at it is you've got to get in to get out, and the only thing that I know to be true is me, is this tiny little dot in the centre of the universe. It's the only thing that I know feels pain; I can see other people's pain and I can feel it in an emotional way, but not in a physical way. I find myself in the unfortunate position of feeling like I am the centre of the universe and that everything is a projection, made by me - i.e. you two don't exist, you're something that I created. I don't wish that sense upon anybody because it's not a good one. Through 'For I am the way' I'm saying that you've got to get in, because the only thing one knows to be true is oneself. And on a good day, if you stand on top of a mountain or go to the desert or stand in the ocean, and become completely inconsequential, linear time stops and you become everything and nothing. That for me is communion, that's how I define religion. I think there's a line in there which goes "Today the only bridge I have I burn" which sums it up really, because it is about cutting all lines of communication in order to really truly commune."

Lucy: Do you think that in the future your creativity will move from the sphere of music in to literature for example? KJG: "It's real hard to say. In a way, that sounds like a much easier life. But for all I know I'm deluding myself. I'm looking for someone to help me frame something at the moment, and someone is actually, someone's being really good to me. I would love to write, but I don't know if I'm good enough to do it."

[eljeebee]

📩 Simblr question of the day: Do you have a process for making your simblr posts?

- an anon ask contribution for @simblr-question-of-the-day (Hi squat!)

I decided to do a separate post, just like what @changingplumbob did a question ago!

Since I mostly do story posts, here is my workflow:

a.) I draft the next story updates. Nothing serious, nothing deep. Just a rough draft that I want to happen. I have drafts in my laptop,

as well as in my phone [spoilers? lol]

Sometimes just one paragraph, or two, as long as I get the gist of it. This draft will be the basis when it comes to shooting the scenes.

b.) Before taking the scenes, I make sure that I have the poses and some specific clothes that I want and need. When it comes to clothing, it's rare that I use specific clothes on some scenes, because I have tons of CC in my mod folder, but I download it in advance. Some of it are already download in advance (that is not yet needed now, but is used far in the future)

b.1.) Sometimes, when I need a certain portrait of a character for a scene that is from a different save file, I make sure I do that first before I load the main save.

b.2.) When I need a certain build for the scenes, I have to build it myself. This is evident with the Strauds' nightclub and the Beau-Asvang's penthouse. It took me weeks to finish these. This is tedious for me, so some updates gets delayed, especially when I feel overwhelmed or bored.

c.) After that, I shoot the scenes. I base my scenes on the draft. This is another tedious part for me, especially if it involves a lot of characters. Sometimes, it has to be in a certain time of day. I don't mess time in that save, because I fear I'll mess up the calendar, so I rely in the fast forward function. The only thing that I mess with it is the weather. It can take me a whole IRL day, or a few days to finish this step.

d.) After taking the scenes, I choose which shots are the best, then delete the rest. I don't edit the photos because the reshade preset I use was made to skip editing it, but will only edit if necessary. No resizing is done (sorry if I'm lazy ;-;).

e.) In this step, the draft that was written before will be finalized once the scenes are done. Most of the time, the drafts get changed, because I change the parts of the story based on the scenes I took. The whole essence or message of the story doesn't change, only the flow and how I structured it will be modified. The finalized script is written in MS Word. A tip for everyone: type the tags you're going to use for the post in the document, so all you have to do is to copy the tags and paste it here in the text editor!

f.) Next, I'll upload the scenes and the script here in my Tumblr drafts. Sometimes, I break the scenes in separate posts, but sometimes I post it in one, depending on the story and the flow.

g.) Finally, I either: queue the posts, or I post it myself. I post the posts that has the "previous | next" links myself, because I want to quickly add the links as soon as I post it. I only queue on some posts, namely Beneath, and New Beginnings.

Again, this is my workflow when it comes to story posts! Gameplay posts like The Life of the Hatcher only get captioned based on the shots, and is not as heavily planned as the DLU (Davis Legacy Universe).

If you've reached the end of the post, thanks for reading! I hope you find this helpful!

[kerrikins]

Hope Springs Eternal

Or: why I still hope for and see potential in PheeJin in Dead Friend Forever.

First of all, let's get the basics out of the way.

Yes, I'm aware that Jin has absolutely made some monumental, killer mistakes. Yes, he has done some really bad things that he shouldn't have done, things that lead to Non getting hurt.

In spite of that, I still think that PheeJin has potential as a relationship within the context of the show, in large part because I don't think that this is a show engaging in black and white tropes. It just depends on which path that the writers intend to go down, but I want to lay out why I, personally, am still hedging my bets.

A lot of it boils down to two points for me. One: Jin is actually seen defending Non over and over again in the past. Two: Phee also hurt Non as well, and a lot of fans overlook this or handwave it.

I know that @raelle-writing has already posted about this, so feel free to go over there and check out some of her posts. But the show has been very careful about laying out the fact that of the friend group, Jin is the one who shows true care and concern for Non. He's the one who says that the group should consider his initial idea, he gets the group to include Non as they go along, he defends him more than once (to his own detriment) when Non isn't even there.

I know that a lot of viewers are frustrated with him, but to me it seems clear in the show that he is the least culpable of the group in terms of the overall scenario (with the exception of the video). I'd even argue (though I'm sure some will be aghast at me saying this) that Jin is ultimately a good kid trying his best, particularly in comparison to the others.

Like, let's run down the group:

Top: He is the reason why Non is in this mess in the first place because he broke the camera. We've seen Tee confide in him multiple times throughout all of this, so he's in deep. He's also the one who helps Tee take Non to his uncle, which means he's directly culpable in Non's disappearance.

Tee - obvious, he's the one who's working with his uncle and got Non involved in the money laundering.

Por - is also responsible for Non being involved in the money laundering due to threatening him. Also stole his script and has been the ringleader of the mental and physical bullying going on.

And Fluke?

Fluke, to me, is actually the character who is everything people accuse Jin of being: the bystander who does nothing and lets it happen. He knows everything! He knows that Top broke the camera. He knows about the video that Jin took. Perhaps if he had been willing to stand by Jin's side, the two of them could have come forward - but he doesn't.

And I want to note something here, because I keep seeing people bang on about it: of all of them, I think Jin is the one who's the least 'guilty' for lying to the police. Why? Because he just saw his friends drug Non, who then disappeared!! It's four against one and we're also dealing with a corrupt police force but people expect Jin - who is a teenager - to go up against all of that? C'mon. And in the hierarchy of the friend group I'd argue that the others would stand a higher chance of being listened to, so yeah - I'm not going to hold Jin to a higher standard.

Now, coming back to Jin: of course him filming the video is indefensible. So what about Phee?

I know that most people regard him as the hero and I want to make it clear that I LOVE Phee. I have Phee defender in my bio on twitter, lol.

But I don't really think that Phee is necessarily supposed to be the knight in shining armour that people think him to be. I ask you: is telling your partner to go off and die 'defensible'?

What about the fact that he reacted to the revelation that Non was being preyed upon by his teacher by calling it cheating and telling Non he hadn't changed, etc?

I want to be clear here: I don't blame EITHER boy for these things. I think that they are understandable if you truly put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine looking at the world through their eyes.

But isn't it interesting how there are some parallels there? Parallels that I actually think a lot of fans ignore or are blind to, mostly because they empathize more with Phee than they do with Jin.

The truth is, however, that Phee behaved horribly to Non as well. I absolutely 100% understand his behaviour, but I also know without a doubt that he hurt Non in the process, broke his heart, and also misinterpreted and shamed Non for what happened to Mr. Keng.

So with that in mind, we're left with the below:

Both Phee and Jin tried and failed to help Non. Both contributed to his spiral. Both of them are visibly broken at the end of episode 8, shattered by their role in what happened to him. Both of them are obviously weighed down by guilt and anger.

And that's where I see the potential. Because sure, it absolutely could be pure stock revenge, that's not surprising for horror. Maybe Phee is the lover riddled by guilt that is out for revenge to make up for his failings.

But what if the show instead decides to explore the fact that if they both feel like they are guilty and culpable in what happened to Non, that could be something that connects them together? Because the possibilities there are so rich, to me. Both of them have been through a hellish, traumatic situation and have seen Non - who they both care about, albeit at different levels - disappear. Both of them feel responsibility and guilt towards it.

So how is this possible?

Two options, in my mind.

Option one is that at some point over the last three years, Phee and Jin connected and Jin confided in him about what happened. I'm hesitant over this one and think it's probably unlikely and would have to go back and rewatch 1-4 again, I think, to see whether or not I think this is possible. I'd love it if this were the case as it gives the background more richness, but unfortunately I feel like with what we've seen in the present, it's not possible, because a lot of Phee's reactions etc seem to indicate that he doesn't know what happened to Non, and if Jin confided in him then he should. However there's a small possibility that his reactions are due to getting confirmation, etc, so there's that to keep in mind.

Option two is that at some point while Phee and Jin are isolated from the others, Jin confesses to Phee.

Side note: I haven't been able to track down where I saw it, again, but I could swear that I saw that Copper said at some point in an interview that Jin filmed the video because he felt like Non was betraying his boyfriend. This caught my eye because I thought oh? Isn't that interesting with the way it ties in with the fact that Phee felt betrayed? But I'd want to validate this again as I'd really like to reread that tweet and now I can't find it, so take that with a giant grain of salt.

At any rate, how will Phee react if Jin confesses everything to him? I mean the situation certainly seems ripe for him to do so at some point. I also see potential here because if this has been going on for three years, then I get the idea that more than anything, Phee just wants to know what happened. There are signs that Phee genuinely cares about Jin - why did he put the blanket on him in episode two, when nobody else was watching and Jin was asleep? Our cold-hearted murderer had a pang about Jin being cold? There was also the conversation that he had with Tan in episode one, that seems to indicate that Phee has confided about wanting to make things with Jin work.

And if he's come to care for Jin then wouldn't Jin opening up to him mean something to him? Especially since at this point Jin has no reason to suspect Phee, so if he confesses then it'll be the truth and from the heart.

So yeah, I still see a ton of potential for these two if they are developed right. Now, will the show go that route? I have no idea. I'm 50/50 on whether we're going to get a rather bog-standard horror ending or something more compelling and nuanced. I know that lots of fans are rooting for the first, and of course sometimes that's the 'fun' of horror, rooting for certain characters to die. Oddly enough, though, I don't get the vibe that this is what this show is about. The characters are too well developed and fleshed out for that in my eyes. I know many might disagree but I don't see the usual hero/villain/victim dichotomy here. Even Non is guilty of lying to Phee and even gaslighting him a little when Phee thought that something was going on with Keng. These are very much 'real people' being depicted on screen and that means that they're fallible. This is fantastic, but it also unfortunately means that I'm going to be a little disappointed if the culmination of all of this is 'yeah Phee was just out for revenge this whole time and is cold enough to fuck his target and try to make him fall in love before killing him/turning him in'.

Oh, one last note - that's another point where I'm struggling with the revenge story arc, because what does that say about Phee's arc as a person? Is that really what people want for him as a person, for him to go from what we see in the flashbacks to brutal enough to do the above? Because that's on Vegas' level and I'm not sure I buy that, for Phee.

So that's where I'm sitting on this whole thing.

Now I want to be clear, here - I'm a horror fan so IF the show decides to go down the standard horror route of 'loved one of victim comes back for revenge' then I'll totally understand it. It's a horror trope for a reason. It's just that after episode 4 we've kind of strayed really far from stock horror and it'll be disappointing to me if we end up going back in that direction.

Time will tell, and in the meantime I'll do my best to hand on for the ride :)

[m0ri4rtyssh1fting]

What can I do to shift I have been trying for 6 years and nothing has worked. So what can I do to shift.

Hi! It is important to specify that the journey is different for each person and no one other than ourselves can tell us what to do to shift. In any case, without knowing your journey I can't help but give you some advice.

First of all, if you have never done it, I reiterate how important it is and how helpful it can be to reprogram your mindset in your journey. You can find the post where I talk about it here. Reprogramming your mindset can help both beginners and people who have known shifting for a long time.

Another thing that can help a lot is meditation. Many shifters recommend meditating every day even for a few minutes or during your method. You can find guided meditations specifically for shifting on YouTube.

I recommend trying different methods, giving them time to understand if they are right for you (maybe 1 month) and then moving on to the next. It might be a great idea to create your own method based on own preferences. In fact, let's remember that the method doesn't make us shift, but we do it, and therefore being comfortable with the method we use is very important. For example, if someone has difficulty visualizing, they can try other methods that do not include visualization, and above all, those that make them more confident and at ease.

Try to understand if you have any mental blocks. They are often fears caused by misinformation or binding thoughts, but above all self-confidence. Identifying the problem is always the first step to solving it.

Connect to your DR, in any way you want, and remember not to see it as something imaginary or extraordinary, but on par with this reality and all others. The people inside it they are real, not characters. Above all, by scripting we must know that we are not modifying reality, we are only selecting it.

The way we talk to ourselves about shifting influences us on our journey. I stopped saying "I'm going to try to shift" for two years now. In its place I say "tonight I shift". Not believing in what you are doing and dispersing negativity because we don't have faith in ourselves and in our journey only makes things worse.

Relying on others (as you do in the question you asked me) is wrong if we talk about this topic! Only we can influence our journey, and no one else. Nobody can make us shift. But we are the only ones who can commit because it depends only on us.

Informing yourself about shifting is very important, in fact misinformation only complicates our journey and makes us assume totally wrong beliefs.

Finally, the last thing I would advise you is to commit to your journey. We can't lie in bed and wait for something to happen. We are the ones who have to make it happen. If you need a break, take it, then come back stronger than before.

That's all, I hope I have been helpful, remember that if 6 years have passed it means that you have already done a lot in your journey and you can't go back, but only move forward and improve! Good luck shifter!