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wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart · 8 months

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Oh no I am an anxious wreck once again. What now?

Here are a few tipps and tricks that help me personally to deal with anxiety (plus some I know work for others). Please feel free to add your own coping mechanisms in the notes!!!! Even though I technically know means to calm myself down, I always forget everything when I'm in the thick of it, so while this is mainly a reminder for myself I hope this list can help at least one other person as well :)

First of all: emotions are hard, and they are overwhelming, and shaming yourself will not make it better. Chances are it will make everything worse, actually. So don't you dare feel bad for needing help even with the "easy" stuff, or for not being able to endure as much as your peers, or even for half-assing stuff sometimes. It's fine. Like, for real. I promise it's okay. You don't need to always be at your best. You don't even need to be at your best most of the time.

What helps me personally is imagining that these struggles are affecting another person close to me. If my best friend were to call me because she needs help answering an E-Mail, or even to cancel last minute because she feels too overwhelmed to leave her house right now, I would never make her feel like crap because of it or talk about her behind her back or anything else your brain may be trying to convince you of. I know that she is at least as good a person as me (probably better tbh), so if I wouldn't do any of that, she certainly would never. In fact, believing these thoughts is actually a disservice to her, who did nothing to deserve these mean remarks (quite the opposite actually). Basically, try to twist and out-logic your own brain into being less of a cunt to you. Try guilt-tripping yourself into being kinder. The bad emotions are there anyways, might as well use them to your advantage. I can speak from experience that being anxious is a bit less unbearable if you aren't being a self-obsessed asshole on top of everything else

JUST FUCKING DO IT

If the source of your anxiety isn't a particular task you have been procrastinating on, or is something you can't just do whenever (f. ex. a job interview that's two days away), feel free to skip this part ^^

If you are still here: I know it can feel like actual hell to just do the thing. If you immediately want to click away after seeing this title I don't blame you. I mean, I am currently writing a huge ass post about anxiety instead of answering the two (2) E-Mails literally making my hands tremble. But the truth is, doing the thing is actually never as bad as it seems. Here's some stuff that maybe can help:

-> Remember that it's never been the end of the world before, so surely it won't start being it now. If you've already been through a similar situation: remember that it isn't the first time you've felt this way; remember that doing the thing wasn't as bad as you'd feared and, most importantly; remember how you felt after doing it. If this is the first time you feel like that, I'm sorry. I promise you aren't stupid for "overreacting", and I promise it will feel at least a little bit better if you just get it over with. And when you've managed the first time, you can now use that as an example instead of taking some stranger on the internet on his word. Worst comes to worst, you can still anon hate me (jk please don't)

-> Rewarding yourself. Remember that putting yourself down tends to make things worse. Allow yourself to be proud for your achievements, yes even the small ones that most people barely even think about. Because sometimes shit is just hard, but you still did it, and that's fucking awesome !!! For me personally just the knowledge that my anxiety will lessen (and I will probably get some good sleep - emotions are so fucking exhausting) is enough most of the time, but you can also give yourself a little treat afterwards. You've earned it!

-> Hide it in between chill tasks. Like right now, I'm writing this instead of my fucking E-Mail. I am a bit calmer since this is distracting myself from the daunting task of typing a few words. So I am now going to open my mails on another tab, type this shit, and send it. And I know that when I did that I will feel better about myself. And even if I fuck up somehow (how you ask? i don't fucking know), I will immediately have this task to come back to so I don't have the chance to overthink it. I FUCKING DID IT I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD

-> If you have a bunch of stuff you swore yourself you would do (a bunch can also mean like 2 btw) starting can seem even more daunting (even if it is, as aforementioned, "only" two). So I am very happy to present written lists my absolute beloved. In my experience, stuff is a lot less overwhelming if it isn't only living inside your head. You get a feeling of accomplishment when you can cross something off your list. You don't have to keep panicking about forgetting something (since everything is already written down on your list.) You can even break down bigger tasks into smaller more manegeable ones (f. ex. instead of "clean your room" -> "1. do your bed; 2. fold your clothes; 3. etc etc".) It's great because even if you don't manage the entire big task you still feel less like a failure since you've got proof of all the small accomplishments you did manage. Plus it's easier to continue on another day since you know exactly what you have to do and have proof of everything you already managed as a motivator.

-> Accept help. Be on the phone with a friend while doing the thing (if possible, of course). Ask your friends to be your hypeman before and after doing the thing. Get reassurance from other people. Go to your friend's house to ask them to read your E-Mails, summarize them verbally, and then type an appropriate answer for you (can you already tell me and electronic mail aren't in the best of terms?) Making things harder on yourself on purpose isn't being strong it's being stupid

-> already mentioned it a bunch of times, I know, but the thing that really helps for me is comparing with past experiences. I know I will feel better after I do it because that's always what happens when my brain blows things out of proportion. I know I can do this because I did even scarier stuff and it went well. Or even: if I manage to do this seemingly super scary thing, I will be able to use it as a motivator for smaller stuff in the future. I mean, what even is a fucking E-Mail in comparison to going to a social event on your own ??! (seriously, do it. in my experience it's surprisingly easy to find friends if you look pathetic enough, plus a lot of things seem a bit less paralyzing in comparison)

-> I turn it into a competition, or a game. If I do the thing I win. If I don't do the thing the anxiety wins. And I refuse to let that happen because I'm competitive AND a sore loser <3 so I do the thing. and then I feel a bit better

JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. THINKING IS THE ANTITHESIS OF DOING. (which you can also use to your advantage, à la better to think about that unhealthy coping mechanism and why you shouldn't do it than to stop thinking about it and actually doing it instead. But that isn't the point right now)

DISTRACTIONS

Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do. Sometimes all you can do is wait. Sometimes you don't even know why the fuck you're feeling like that. And that fucking sucks.

I know there are some people who need an absence of stimuli in order to calm down. (If that's you, please leave some of your own pointers in the notes! I don't really have any ideas for that one tbh)

For me, the opposite is the case. I can't count the times my mom has told me to "try meditating!" or "don't do more than one thing at the same time it'll only stress you out even more!", unaware that giving my thoughts free reign would make everything so much worse.

I need to overwhelm myself in order to be able to forget about my anxiety for a while. Sometimes doing a task I've been dreading is easier after distracting myself for a few hours (being anxious is very tiring so if you let it run its course in the back of your mind for a while you'll have less energy for it later ^^). Here's some stuff that could help (though it should be noted that a) not everything will work on everyone and b) sometimes it just doesn't work. even if it worked the last five times. Don't ask me why it is what it is):

-> Do something (really anything) while listening to a video essay/podcast/audiobook. That's my go-to classic. Feel your mind slipping away from whatever you're doing? Force yourself to really listen to what is being said. Sometimes it helps to mouth the words along to my audio of choice (while still doing your thing at the same time!!) Speed it up (I've usually got my stuff at 1.75x or 2x). Assume that pretty much everything listed below can be done while having this as a second layer of distraction

-> Learn something new. I was literally just teaching myself the tabs for Every Breath You Take by The Police and 26 by Paramore on the guitar before starting this. I tried learning finnish and irish for a while there (learning vocabulary, trying to translate sth, learning grammar, etc.). Sometimes it can take a bit of time to get into it, but once you're there it's easy to lose yourself in it (in my experience at least.) And you can always start another video essay in the background!

-> Baking. I usually do half or fourth the recipe to a.) waste less ingredients; b.) have less stuff to eat so you can go bake more stuff sooner; and c.) feel less bad if it doesn't turn out how you hoped. Plus you can also make yourself more likeable by giving some to your neighbours ;)

-> Comfort book/series/movie/etc. I'll be honest, this one almost never works for me, but I know that for some people it does so on the list it goes

-> Take a walk. Touch some grass. Go outside. Personally have very mixed feelings towards this one. Used to do it all the time during lockdown (walking nowhere for literal hours while listening to music), but when it doesn't help it makes things much much worse (in my experience) So maybe be a bit careful? If you want to get away from your thoughts this is...bad. But otherwise (like if you just have the feeling of anxiety without a specific reason) it's worth a try

-> Do maths. I'm serious. For a while there I couldn't sleep, so I'd go on the net, search for equasion exercises, and just go wild. Don't look at the answer: this isn't the point. It's something with a fixed procedure and no consequences if you mess up (you won't even know if you mess up). Maybe instead of equations you find long division more relaxing. Just try not to think of school, put the pressure away, and give it a go.

-> Go to your comfort place. This is also a bit of a tricky one. First of all, not everyone has one of those. Or maybe you can't really go there (like, I always calm down when I'm at the beach. I adore the ocean. But I don't have sea anywhere near me, so sucks to be me i guess). But if you do have a place near you it's worth a try. Sometimes after a particular stressful therapy session i just...go chill at the library for a while. It helps :)

-> Blorbo scrolling. I personally prefer looking at a bunch of art and comics (visual stuff) since i don't really have the concentration to read when I'm anxious, but see what works best for you <3

-> Menial tasks. I love them. Sorting stuff that actually doesn't really matter (like taking all your books from your shelves and trying a new way to organize them). The already mentioned maths exercises. Washing the dishes/putting them back in their place (you can combine that one with the baking hehe). Volunteering work can also be pretty helpful: they often need help with menial tasks plus you can feel good about yourself for helping. Recently started helping at my local animal shelter and it's actually pretty great !

-> Sports. I personally hate sports and always feel worse afterwards, but so many people talk about it that it must be of help to someone out there. What I used to do when I got suddenly overrun by emotions is taking my skipping rope and jumping as fast as I physically could til I felt a bit better (and sweaty ew)

-> Sometimes I like starting a small project; depending on the mood either with no pressure to finish (or intention to show anyone ever because eww), or posting it in hope for praise that'll make me feel a bit better about myself heh. Just something else I can focus on. (ex. g. I've got a meeting I'm nervous about tomorrow so I started writing this huge-ass post) Just remember: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GOOD!! JUST CREATE! I PROMISE BEING CREATIVE AND/OR DOING STUFF IS AWESOME!! (or if nothing else at least frustrating enough to overshadow the anxiety lol)

-> In the wise words of mother mother: Dance and cry, and cry and dance and cry. (And sing. And scream. Or get out that skipping rope. Just let it out my dude.)

-> Watch a show in a foreign language faster (like 2x speed) and with subtitles (less time to read, more required focus, less brain power to panic)

-> immersive reading (audio + text); especially effective if you do it in a language you are currently learning or one that is similar (but not the same!) to your native tongue (f. ex. portuguese and spanish)

-> Try sleeping. Doesn't always work, but at least it wastes time.

I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK

-> Strong sudden stimulant. Like smelling a very strong perfume or taking a freezing shower.

-> Just. Let it wash over you. It sucks, yes, but it'll be over. Try keeping calm. I know, easy to say when you yourself aren't currently going through it, but anxiety about a future attack will not, in fact, make things less worse. Once again, remembering past attacks can help as well? It didn't kill you then, it won't kill you now. (My therapist suggested using a mental image, like huge waves or something. I personally don't do that but maybe it'll help)

-> Cover your ears and listen to your heart. Key point: this is NOT aiming to drown out noise, but to ground yourself by listening to your own body (bloodstream and creaking bones etc) (ty anon <3)

-> I'm not sure whether this'll work with panic attacks as well (according to google one of the key differences is that these don't really have a trigger and just....happen) and it probably won't be viable in every situation. But just. Be enough of a spiteful little shit to turn your breakdown into a powermove. (The distressing emotions are there anyways might as well make use of them). You told your teacher you get extreme anxiety when you have to speak in public and they ignored you because the school system actually hates kids? Look them right in the eyes as you start hysterically sobbing so they feel really bad, maybe be extra subdued the next few lessons. As far as you know it'll get you a few pity points that'll make a difference in your overall grade! (Pretty sure I got a better grade in my arts finals than i deserved) Someone knowingly breaks a boundary you set because "oh you've been doing so well" and "it's an irrational fear so it isn't real anyways" or whatever they tell themselves to justify it? This is your chance to make them really see how what they did is wrong (and hopefully will make them think twice before pulling shit like that again). If you warned them, they are literally asking for it. And it'll seem that much more impressive when you are having a good day for once and manage to get through it without one (you've earned that extra credit). Maybe I'm just a bit of a vindictive person, but reframing the narrative like that in my head gives me some semblance of control, which makes it all a bit less scary.

IT DIDN'T FIT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT IS STILL IMPORTAT

This is mostly me reminding myself that it's fine tbh. Because it is.

-> Remember that you can just do shit. I don't know how else to say this, but sometimes my anxiety makes it feel like hiding away in my room is my only option. But that's not true! There is so much stuff you can do, I'm always in awe for a while when I get this through my thick skull once again. Like, you can just go to places. You can just write to your friends. You can just start a chat with that cool mutual you're too nervous to directly interact with. You can move. You can change jobs. You can redecorate your house. You can get into a random train and only get out at the last station, wherever that may be. YOU CAN JUST DO SHIT?!?!?! ISN'T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?!!!!!!!!

-> Extreme emotions can have unpleasant physical side effects. Sweating. Body odor. No appetite and/or extreme hunger cravings (sometimes at the same time??). Diarrhea. It sucks (especially when it continues on for multiple days and your oh so kind peers make sure to constantly remind you of those physical symptoms you are already overly aware of). But it's normal and it's fine. It doesn't make you gross, I promise.

-> THIS TOO SHALL PASS (that's it. Sometimes it's good to remind yourself. This too shall pass.)

-> Sometimes I just do small harmless shit to prove my anxious lizard brain wrong. Randomly say hi on that group chat you haven't entered for months. Create something you aren't really happy with and post it anyways, just cuz you can. Go do something on your own. The more you prove your fears wrong with little things like that, the easier it gets (especially if you have to do bigger scary stuff). Spite can be your best friend. (Plus easy way to gain more points in my mental competition hehehe)

-> Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will fuck up. You will barely be able to say a word in the social event you forced yourself to go in order to meet cool people. You will be so obviously anxious at your friend's birthday that she will still remember that over a year later (despite your best efforts to hide it at the time). You will get an anxiety attack because of something you thought you had already gotten over months ago. And it sucks, but more importantly, it's fine. This too shall pass. This is another reason why the previous point is so important: it's harder to hold these incidents over your head if you have so many other experiences where you managed to prove yourself.

-> YOU get to decide when you want to try confronting a fear. Nobody else can do that for you, no matter how often they mention "exposure therapy" and shit (it's about the control once again. in my experience it's important for it to be your choice). Occasionally hiding away doesn't make you a failure. There are always more chances, it's never too late to start. Already mentioned it a bazillion times, but this shit is exhausting and you are well within your right to stay in your comfort zone and rest.

-> I don't know if it's just a me thing but self reminder to avoid lactose and gluten when overly anxious. (i never do but i am aware of it that should count for something)

-> gender-affirming stuff can help ^^

-> Not viable to everybody, but sometimes I just delete all social media from my phone. You can still go there through browser of course (that's where I'm actually currently writing this) but just not having the icon on the phone can already feel somewhat of a relief (social media in this case also including messaging apps like discord or WhatsApp or fucking electronic mail my beloathed). That's actually what I am planning to do immediately after posting this thing that came out a bit more personal and stream-of-conscousness than initially planned. You won't even be able to tell cuz I never tag my queues hehehe

-> mentally dunking my stupid anxious lizard brain into salt water rn. Fuck you. I'm posting this. I'm leaving my house tomorrow instead of calling in sick. I'm winning.

#i apologize if there are spelling errors or sentences that dont make sense (my focus is a bit shit rn lol)#once again hope this can help someone? plus always open to more suggestions etc etc #it feels a bit hypocritical to be posting this rn tbh since i am not dealing with my anxiety that well atm tbh #but then i look back to how it was like two years ago and actually i *did* improve even if only a bit so like fuck you too lizard brain #i hope you get to look out of your window and realize that you too have come far <3 #i love being a lil cheeseball hehehehe #anxiety #actually anxious #actually anxiety #uhm idk how else to tag this i guess ill rely on rbgs lol

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teabiscs · 10 months

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Just to, like flip, the whole KaiRei script.

But ReiKai???

TLDR - Where Rei is the dominant one and Kai is more hesitant. Rei is the one chasing and the one with more experience.

Just bear with me.

A Rei who escapes WTH and lives for himself, is unapologetic in who he is and what he wants. Has a ton of life experiences. He travels. He dates. He works for the BBA, as Dickinson’s assistant (bc that’s how every headcanon of mine goes)

And then a Kai who hides away, i’ll touch on this later. Does his schooling. Takes over Hiwatari enterprises. Just hyper focused on becoming who he was destined to be. A CEO. Kinda miserable. Misses out of key life moments. Time blurs by and suddenly he’s 26. Has never dated. Never kissed. He smokes and drinks out of habit. It quells his anxieties. Fucking up his eyes from overuse from Looking over documents and staring at computer screens. He doesn’t care about his appearance and stops wearing his contacts. He’s told he looks more put together with his glasses anyway.

Kai’s not sure what possessed him or the vice chairmen of the company to suggest partnering with the BBA and donating money. But now he’s stuck in a fancy conference room with five old chairmen waiting for the BBA representatives to discuss their partnership.

And Kai could really use a cigarette. He can’t remember the last time he’s spoken to Mr Dickinson. But Kai’s 26 now and knows how to be professional and fake it with the best. He offers his most professional smile when the door opens and in comes Dickinson with assistants in tow.

And he should have done research. He should have done his due diligence and looked into who worked at the BBA bc now he’s face to face with not only Kinomiya but ALSO Rei. And it shouldn’t surprise him but it does.

Kai lets one of his chairmen-henchman do all the talking after exchanging pleasantries and hand shakes and bows. Ignores the way Rei had eyed him up and down. And is counting down the minutes for this to be done and he can retreat back into his office and down scotch over the pretense of them getting good publicity and not over him drinking his anxieties away.

But he doesn’t get that because of course. Someone had to mention getting food to celebrate. So now he’s nursing a drink at an omakase style restaurant as everyone is networking. This part has always been the hardest for him. He’d rather do the hard work than bullshit and make small talk to people who just wanted to suck up. But these are his old friends. People he hasn’t spoken to in almost a decade.

And he doesn’t know where that delicate line falls of asking them how things have been and keeping things as formal as possible. Delicate line of formality. He’s waiting for Takao to start talking his ear off and take control of the conversation like he used to. But he’s matured over the years and mellowed out. But he’s sure working for the BBA has given him a better bedside manner.

And rei’s just silent. Watching everything over his own drink. Which Kai also realizes is new. Rei never drank with them when they were kids. But things changed and they grew up. They all definitely grew up.

During their time apart Rei managed to surpass him in height while Takao managed to get just as tall as Kai. Kai can make out the outlines of Rei’s muscles arms through his shirt, and he can guess that under his shirt he’s just as muscular.

He obviously has more free time than Kai to exercise. While Kai manages to hit the gym occasionally during the week.

Kai feels uneasy, with Rei’s eyes watching him over the rim of his glass and he does his best to look away and try and focus on what Mr Dickinson and his vice president are talking about.

He can feel Rei’s eyes on him with a tangible gaze. Rei looks /hungry/ when they do make eye contact and Kai feels himself swallowing roughly. Thinking back to all the unsaid words of their youth and awkward exchanges and feelings.

Kai’s fine and more than happy to just forget all about it and move on, but this is Rei Kon after all. And Rei never lets things go. Even after a decade. He’s resilient and cunning. And Kai finds himself alone with Rei as the night goes on. Getting cornered in the bathroom together.

25 year old Rei is more ballsy and confident than his nervous and self conscious 15yr old counterpart that Kai remembers. And doesn’t seem at all concerned that anyone from their group or a stranger could walk in on them at any minute.

Kais heart threatens to break out of his chest as Rei approaches him. Invades his personal space. Kai doesn’t remember Rei like this. So forward and sure. Not hesitating like he did in their youth. Kai can’t remember anyone invading his space like this before. So close.

And Kai wants to believe it’s just the alcohol that’s making him this assertive. But his words are so coherent and clear.

That it’s been so long. And he was sure that Kai would have skipped out. But he’s pleasantly surprised to see him in the flesh. And it’s been too long. And they should have kept in touch better. And that Kai’s a hard guy to keep up with. No one’s heard from him and only knew he was alive because it wasn’t reported otherwise.

And that Kai looks good. Very good. His eyes doing a full sweep of Kai’s tense body. And it’s at That point Rei realizes how uncomfortable Kai looks and backs off. Gives him his space.

Kais skin still feels prickly and tight. Still feels uncomfortable and out of control. And Rei can sense the uncertainty and the hesitancy in Kai.

Rei treats Kai like a caged animal. He eases off and tries a gentler approach. Suggesting that they meet up for coffee when Kai has the time because Rei knows he’s very busy, or drinks. But that seems out of the question and maybe too intimate for old friends who need to reconnect. He slips his business card into Kai’s hand and leaves the restroom.

The paper is crisp in his hand and HEAVY. Kais fingers brush over the embossed lettering tracing over each character and the phone number on it. He could just toss it in the bin and ignore it.

But he knows Rei, 15 year old Rei would chase after a response. He can only imagine how much worse 25yr old Rei is. So he slips it into his slacks pocket and takes his leave.

It takes three long days for Kai to email. EMAIL. Rei about meeting up to discuss whatever it is that Rei wanted to talk about. Kai feels over dressed in his tailored collared shirt when he sits down at the cafe he made reservations at. He has a leather bound book and pen resting on the table, waving off the waitress as he waits for Rei.

The feeling of being over dressed only intensifies as Rei sits opposite of him in jeans and a T-shirt. And this looks way less business than Kai intended.

Rei raises an eyebrow at Kai as he sits down. Making a comment that he didn’t intend on talking business but he should have assumed when Kai emailed him. Instead of texting calling or sending a Line message.

Kai flushes and looks down at the table. Unsure how to respond. It’s been so long since he’s spoken to someone about something other than work. Unsure of anything to say. He only knows how to talk shop at this point. Numbers and projections. Quarterly and profits. And maybe he should have had them go out for drinks instead. So he could hide behind alcohol and smoke breaks.

The waitress takes their order and sets their drinks down and food. Rei smiles fondly at Kai that some things never change. Eyeing the black coffee. Making a comment that they could have went somewhere cheaper if that’s all he wanted. (Kai doesn’t say that he remembers how much Rei enjoyed trying new things, and that he was suer Rei would probably love the pastries the cafe sold )

And Rei takes the lead. Giving him an updated history on himself. Ten years worth of achievements and accomplishments. How he left China, but still visits. How he came to work alongside Takao with Mr Dickinson. What Max is up to, and his new sister. What Takao’s been up to.

He looks expectantly At Kai when he finishes. Kai swallows, picking up his cup and takes a brief sip.

It’s black and white monotonous. After he graduated high school, he shadowed some people and then took over the company once he hit 20. Rei continues to stare as if he’s waiting for more info. But it doesn’t come. (Kai 100% did not respond well to BEGA and just 100% threw himself into Hiwatari enterprises as a trauma response. He keeps tabs on Borg and sends money when it’s needed. Like buddy, you should have gotten therapy, instead of hiding away.)

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve been up to?”

Kai nods, hidden behind his coffee, a buffer a barrier. Something to keep him safe.

Rei doesn’t believe him. He remembers a different Kai. But people change. Rei wouldn’t be poking or prodding or pursuing like he is now.

He glances down at Kai’s left hand then asks, “no wife?” Shake off the head, but it should be obvious from the lack of ring. “Are you seeing anyone?” Another shake

Rei laughs, “I’m surprised none of those old farts from your company are trying to marry you off to any of their daughters.”

At this Kai chuckles. But it’s short lived.

Rei assumes that Kai must then be seeing multiple people or sleeping with multiple people. And Kais like I don’t have the time for that. I barely get out of the house.

And Rei doesn’t want to believe that because this isn’t the Kai Hiwatari he remembers. The Kai of his memories was always doing something. Up to something. Not saying he’d sleep around. But surely he’d have someone or something in place. Kai was a loner. But he always had someone.

And their whole coffee date thing dissolved into awkwardness.

Kai feels obligated to ask Rei if he has a someone, he sees no ring either. And Rei waves him off that he has nothing serious going on right now, but there’s always the chance of something serious. If the right person comes along.

Kai chooses to ignore the connotation of his words. There’s still too much unspoken from their youth that he doesn’t want to get into. Never wants them to get into. That ship had sailed… well it never docked or boarded. But. It wasn’t gonna happen. Not now. They weren’t kids anymore. They weren’t the same people. Not even close.

And Kai wasn’t even sure if he wanted to let someone in. He was happy… well he was content… he was okay with how things were. He wasn’t interested in changing things. Messing with the status quo.

And he should have said that. Instead of agreeing to meet up with Rei Kon again.

And this is a painfully slow burn. Because they are both dumb adults.

Rei threads their fingers together on their second coffee meet up. It’s something to fill the silence, holding Kai’s hand. Or it was supposed to be.

Because Kai panics, pulling back his hand And is like you can’t be doing this now. Not when you left all those years back to go blade for China.

And Rei like we all made mistakes when we were kids. What’s important is to not make those same mistakes in adulthood.

Kai sees red. “You didn’t even say anything you just left with Max. You two decided on that. You two always had something going on.”

And down hill the whole meetup goes. Accusing Rei that he had something going on with Max, and then Mao. And Rei accuses Kai of having something going on with Yuriy with all people, as if Yuriy didn’t hate his guts after going back to Volkov after everything.

They leave on bad terms, just agree to be civil enough to get through this partnership.

And this is Rei we;re all talking about. He can’t stay mad long, but Kai means everything that was said. They would remain civil. But Rei wants to apologize and try being friends since Kai seems content to just be lonely. Rei wants to change that because this Kai seems like a shell of who he used to be (And he wants to get to the bottom of it)

But its not like he can just apologize at one of their meetings. No. Not in front of Kai’s company and definitely not in front of Takao and Mr. D. Kai has always been good at avoiding things, so Rei struggles to speak to him. Kai doesn't respond to any call, text, email or line message. Everything goes unanswered, so Rei get’s sneaky and sends an email to Kai from Mr. D’s email to meet up. It’s unprofessional, but he’s sure Mr. D would be okay with it.

Kai is not happy or amused when it’s just Rei sitting in his conference room, but sits down just in case this is actually business, he didnt have the patience to deal with that if he assumed wrong.

Rei apologizes and Kai begrudgingly accepts. Rei asks for them to meet up again outside of work but this time he won't touch him, nor would he accuse Kai of anything, when it was him and Max who had put past events into motion.

Their third meet up is at a park, and Rei shows up with coffee. They sit on a bench in silence, until Rei just starts filling in the silence like he used to. It’s not easy and it's not simple. There's still awkwardness. Their past gets clarified. There was a could have been. Would have been after V-Force. If things were different. Max and Rei had talked and decided to split from Bladebrakers and that's when it all went wrong. Both were scared back then to make a move, change things, but maybe they should have, maybe things would have been different.

They talk about what happened to Kai. What changed after the fall of BEGA. The regret Kai had once things died down. The magnitude of his mistakes. He wanted to hide away from it all and forget. And he did and now it was a decade later. Kai admits to feeling like he’s behind everyone else in terms of life experiences and Rei the romantic is like its never too late you can always live them.

And Kai lets out a pathetic chuckle. And is like yeah okay sure. I’d have to find someone to live them with. And Rei looks at him with too soft eyes, like melted amber, and Kai swallows thickly. Because he knows that look. Knows what it means and knows what it could end with.

And fuck it. He let’s Rei thread their fingers together this time and let’s the raven haired man kiss him.

And bada bing bada boom. Thats my silly lil slowburn ReiKai idea. with an epilogue of them finally sleeping together.

THANKS.

#kairei #kai x rei #beyblade fanfiction idea #maybe i'll write this in like 15 years #we just never see this dynamic #or i dont see it #let rei top.#reasons i could never write one shots: this idea is 2500 words long #i am a menace to myself #i will take comments and suggestions on this idea.#me wondering if i could make this a three shot #but im not attempting it because my lil ideas turn out to be mosnters.#also its been a minute since i drew these two so coming soon i guess

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