#a good personal reminder ig
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nobody fucking touch me rn i went to see tf one in the cinema and im shaking. they actually made a good transformers movie. what the fuck
#time to go home and read the entirety of jro's mtmte and lost light again ig#what the FUCK i was not expecting it to be actually fucking stunning. that's MY loser dumpster fire of a children's toy franchise how did t#ey actually make it . good#really good#five out of five stars. when elita said “you dont have the touch or the power” i fucking choked#obviously it is only going to mire the canon more because of the changes to megatron's backstory (no gladiators 😔) & lack of allspark plot#but i dont even fucking care. dont even touch me rn i cant ever get over this#broken friendships & corruption arcs are THE SHIT and they did this one better than i was expecting#when pax fell like a falling star... primus itself opened to him...#ratchet cameo! arcee cameo! jazz cameo! not to mention ALPHA TRION#i can see the war in this . i can see this . millions of years in the future they will still b fighting. orion mightve been a “pacifist” by#megatron's standards but he knows how to fight. he fights more than he should. and bee.... bee... THATS MY FUCKING NAMESAKE GUYS DONT EVEN#TOUCH ME RN. IM SHAKING. HOLY SHIT#bumblebee you are SUCH a dork. what the FUCK.#and the quintessons!!!!! i am LIVING for the art direction and the organic/inorganic imagery#those quintesson energon-hoover things reminded me of energon eaters too. & in that first shot of them entering the cave w the primes i#originally thought scraplets before i came back to myself. there's something to be said here tho.#they did a good job with the worldbuilding. suitably alien-like. exceeded expectations. that ginormous quintesson ship? i'm going insane#you can SEE the birth of the myth in this stupid fucking movie you can SEE how op becomes who he becomes. the way he grew. the way they bot#grew until they were the only person that could hold the other back . the way he is going to be irreversibly changed. d16's eyes...#that scene w starscream has a chokehold on me. i cant breathe. the way they all looked at megatron when his blaster emerged#the fight scenes#ELITA ONE !!!#AIRACHNID !!!!#honest to god though i must confess that the first coherent thought i had about this movie was “oh they made him so cunty” . abt pax. i#am so sorry#but okay okay okay i . they were amica endura at the beginning. at the least. i'm. AKHRERJGH#tf one#me when megatron ascended out of iacon & he was the only land vehicle amid a swarm of planes. me when the SYMBOLISM#🐝
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I miss being younger and believing the queer community was actually a safe space
#turns out white queers hate poc just as much as literally every other white person ever 💔#big bummer for young me man I feel like the part of me that still believed in people being inherently good broke a little more that day#That sounds super dramatic but it's true in a way#hard to have faith in the inherent kindness of humanity when u grow up black in a predominantly white area 💀#this just reminded me but those positivity posts that r like 'people Are kind' and then like say smth oddly profound kind of make me hopeful#but then just kind of upset#they always feel like theyre comming from a place of privilege yknow#like bro i wish strangers were nice to me out of actual kindness#and not a weird need to prove to the world that theyre not racist without actually putting in any effort to be antiracist#'hey look at me treating this black like a human being! see? im an ally! i posted black sqaures in 2020 and have blm in my bio!'#this is bc my local juneteenth festival got canceled due to lack of funding bc. yknow its been 4yrs#everyones (white ppl) moved on#they dont care anymore and they dont need to bc they alr did the bare minimum to absolve themselves of guilt#rant#ig im lucky i live in a super queer town but its so overwhelmingly white it kind if cancels that out yknow#personal#okay to reblog#if u want to ig idk#moth.txt
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already said this b4 but ill say it again: i won’t answer suggestive asks unless you have your age in your bio (so no anon either) and that age isn’t under 18, sorry!!!!! if you’re an adult that’s perfectly fine, but if i don’t get confirmation that you’re one, those asks will be deleted!
also reminder that my page is intended for audiences 16 and over!!!!!! i wont kill you with a guillotine if you’re 15 or something, but it’s a fair warning for the kind of content i reblog and occasionally discuss/post about.
if you’re under my blog’s intended age range, id appreciate it if you blocked the ‘cw suggestive’ tag and if you’re under 18 at all, especially the ‘minors dni’ tag! i don’t use the latter often at all, but occasionally there are some posts that aren’t intended for kids lolzzzz
#reminder that this is not only for your good but my comfort#posted about errorink and mentioned masochism and people ran with it ig#so if you’re like 14. pretty please don’t send those asks to me. i will not answer and will feel very very uncomfortable#if you’re an adult ask away#not even to be one of those ‘just turned 18 x3 MINORS DNI I HATE U NOW’ people which i personally don’t dislike but whatevs#it’s cause i got traumaaaaa and id prefer to stray as far away from the role of ‘weirdo’ as im able to
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you ever write up a combination of words you're really proud of at the time bc you think it's vivid but it's actually so atrocious that you remember it eight years later bc it's burned itself into your long-term memory? just me?
#i'm literally laughing my entire ass off rn. i can't believe i found this fic i wrote at 15 and orphaned when i came to my senses abt both#my complete inability and total aversion to writing first person as well as the fact that the english language should never have been#subjected to its words being done dirty like this 😭#also i straight up fucking LIED in the authors note??? i said i'd broken my knee as a kid which is categorically false. i fell down some#stairs and banged it up and it's a tiny bit weak ig but i didn't break it? all any teens born after y2k know is eat hot chip and lie...#still not over the first line... the flip flop bit i remembered but i'd COMPLETELY forgotten 'a shriek seeped out of my throat'. girl. what.#how does a shriek seep exactly? the world may never know...#and the use of 'groped' is also sending me 😭 AND 'crash bash whump thump' girlllll send help holy shit i can't stop coughing & laughing#the rest of the fic isn't quite this bad but it's very purple yet ineloquent and rough. it's a good reminder of how much i've improved and#honestly i'd rather read this utterly amature fic bc it's at least charming in its lack of skill rather than infuriating like some of my#oneshots that are still on my page bc they're more comprehensible but just bad enough to make me cringe. getting mad at this oneshot would#be like getting bad at a kid's stick figure drawing. like. it's just kinda cute to see someone starting out on their creative journey#my old sw oneshots on the other hand are like the awkward growing pains of puberty. you just can't help but wince at the reminder#this is okay to reblog btw bc it's objectively hilarious and i don't mind ppl finding humor in it#len speaks
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uwu rawr this is my lore if you even care <3
so theres this guy. ive known him for over a year and we got along really well from the moment we met. long story short i fell in love with him. and it happened on accident. we were friends and i catch feelings for him but never get confirmation if he did or didnt feel the same.
heres the long story lol. we were really good friends like we both lived on campus so we hung out everyday between work and classes. we texted and called every goddamn day. we always met up when we had time. i remember feeling the desperation in a text he sent quickly followed by a call insisting he had time after a meeting to hang out and have dinner together. we even started a club together JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT MORE AND IN NICER VENUES!!! we just wanted a club where we could play jackbox games and watch movies and shows together. im telling yall he was so ideal. ive never felt so safe with someone before. i even introduced him to the solar car club at our university so we could be on the media and marketing team together. god we were almost inseparable. and he acted different when it was just us vs us with other people. he was clearly very comfortable with me. he would even tease me! he loved getting a reaction out of me. and we would laugh until our sides were sore or we were dying on the floor. we were such good friends and at some point i caught feelings.
we did so much together in the span of almost 4 months. i was having trouble with school due to the death of my grandfather, loss of my job, and being placed in 3 classes i already took at my community college (i was a transfer student). i was expected to do more than i should and felt punished for not knowing all the right channels to go through to get shit done. i felt so tired of the bullshit i didnt think a degree would be worth it at that specific university. but i didnt want to leave my friend. i had a lot of friends but this one in particular was special. this was my newest best friend who i spend countless hours with. he knew i was making the choice to drop out after that semester. the signs were clear he was going to miss me. he hugged me like it was the last time he was gonna see me. he doesnt like hugging and i can remember that embrace like it happened yesterday. i did not want to leave him. i loved him. so what do i do? i give him a card saying thank you for the memories and go no contact on him for 8 fucking months. i got over the worst depression of my life because i missed him so fucking much AND i felt like a failure for wasting my time and money on a school that clearly didnt care for me. i was going to CAPS almost once a week even when i was a student.
anyway. i get over the depression. i pick myself back up. i make great friends through the smiling friends fandom. i meet someone who sounds and laughs like my friend. what are the fucking chances. i am encouraged by new friends to reach out to my uni friend. i take my time but i finally do it. i reconnect with other friends and they encourage me too to call the friend ive been missing the most. and…he doesnt pick up. i want to cry. i feel like a failure again. but i think “maybe he called back?” HE DID. AND I MISSED IT! ACK! so i call him back. he picks up. we say our hellos and how are yous. i apologize for the radio silence and say i thought he hated me. he says “no no no no no no i dont hate you dont even worry about it.” im in love again. and the gentleness of his tone? are you fucking kidding me? we talk for like an hour and then i finally let him go to finish packing before he moves back in. i see him the day he moves in and i meet his parents for the 2nd time. after that we start hanging out again but a little too often. we set up proper boundaries after i have a mental breakdown bc he is the only one of my friends from last year that actually missed me and wanted to see me again. he said he wanted to see me again.
the last time i saw him was september 8. i was escorted off campus on the 9th and the 11th due to depressive episodes during both incidents (undiagnosed and unmediated at the time). i was institutionalized from the 14th to the 19th. i still havent seen my friend. i am officially banned from campus and i miss my good friend everyday. i wrote poetry about him that i may never share. i love him. i always will. what sucks is so many things remind me of him. i feel sick when i get reminded of him because i cannot physically be near him and i just miss him that fucking much. i’m hopeless. but i do think i will see him again even if it is not soon. its killing me to wait to see him again. fuck my stupid baka life. god i miss that goober!
#yap tag#i prommy that i loved him only in a platonic sense until idk 2 1/2 or 3 months?#we saw each other every day so getting to know his lore was easy#we always had so much to talk about#and if we weren’t talking we were laughing for hours my god he was funny#he actually noticed i was acting different and very sweetly suggested i see my psychiatrist#ive been needing to get evaluated and turns out im bipolar#still waiting on adhd diagnosis tho but it can wait for now#he laughed more often after we reconnected this year#i miss this goober and still no contact from him even tho ive texted and called AND HE SAID I CAN WTF DUDE IM BANNED FROM UR SCHOOL#he still one of my fave adhd having friends#ive NEVER connected with someone so fast and we didn’t even need to trauma bond! our personalities just work really well together ig#he said i reminded him of some of his good friends from high school#i just want to see him again :[#it makes me so sadge i cant be with him rn
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I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds
#rat rambles#stars posting#I wanna make a thing for odile's parallel scene to the bathroom scene were sif forgets odile's name#but it takes place in the traps room by the wood carving tools which isn't the worst room to have to draw ig but I still dont want to#I could just take the lazy route and just sketch the scene so I can get it out of my head and I probably will#but at the same time I also should draw more stuff with backgrounds even if it makes me want to throw up and cry#but yeah the scene is basically just odile having a derealization moment while thinking abt the wooden odile carving sif made for her#just her looking at it and feeling nothing and trying to look ahead at siffrin expecting to be reminded of what it's supposed to make her#feel and just being met with the same emptyness in her chest as she can barely even recognize the person in front of her until they look#back at her and their expression shifts into a extremely concerned one#does that make sense? idk if Im explaining it well but I hope it makes sense#but yeah smth smth them becoming less real to eachother overtime much to the horror of both#also unrelated but I need to start rotating loop in this au in my head more theres so much to work with here#I have some vague ideas and thoughts but I have been too odile brained to properly elaborate on those in my head#Im honestly just glad Ive finally made an au that I can actually get invested in fleshing out#I havent rly found a good headspace to rly play around with the main cast but this is actually giving me smth to chew on#usually most thoughts I have abt isat just lead to me thinking abt my ocs lol#regardless Im having fun with this au and I hope that I can bring myself to commit to it#also Ive been trying to think of a decent name for this au and Im half tempted to call it from the top or smth but I feel like Im tempted#to call like every story I make that so Im on the fense abt it#especially since thats what Ive been planning on calling the prologue for spiraling upwards#not that I cant just do both but I wanna see if I can think of any alternatives
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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if i may admit a thing i probably shouldn't. i do feel a bit more hopeful for this year. maybe it's bc i like the number more or bc i have plans to move out and start going to an art program soon and i'm technically signed up to some lgbt hangout thing that i just need to go to and i want to start making music more seriously. maybe it's just bc i got to spend time with one of my besties today so i'm in a better mood rn. maybe it's just the feeling of removing the gunk that was 2023 and having SOME fresh start. i'm worried that this hope is gonna bite me in the ass - on some level at some point it certainly will - but at least tonight i'm gonna try to keep it. for a little bit
#there's still bad shit like. rocket siren going off right at midnight sure solidified a reminder that the war is still ongoing#so ig i gotta try to focus on the personal stuff 😭😭😭#i do also hope to get a diagnosis and finally some treatment for it. got another appointment at the end of this month#i hope good things happen. to all of us. that includes you dear person reading this 🔫🖤
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im lowkey so annoyed charles said he’d want to have a conversation w elon musk on that podcast. like i’m obvi not looking to charles as my main political source lol and i do believe he meant it in a completely unaware surface level ~tech billionaire entrepreneur~ kind of way bc he’s interested in those types of figures/that’s how he explained it on the pod but still sucks to hear. i don’t think this one-off hypothetical automatically means charles has bad politics i think he just prob lives in his celebrity bubble and doesn’t see all the shit musk stands for beyond his like business creds ig but still … he could’ve literally said anyone else
#esp considering charles is someone w such good pr otherwise#ig this is a good reminder that celebrities and normal ppl don’t exactly operate on the same frequency#and it was clearly a throwaway comment not intended for deep analysis (as I’m doing rn lol) but like when musk could directly impact policy#I kinda have to take it seriously#and yes it was filmed before the trump livestream but musk has been awful for years#ugh anyway#I love charles so much so it just stinks to hear this. esp bc the rest of the podcast was so good!!! m#(podcast was beyond the grid in case anyone actually reads these tags lmao)#idk if I should put this in the normal charles tag ig I will#I don’t wanna tag it as anti bc it’s not fully anti it’s more just … a reminder that I can’t idolize celebs#charles leclerc#f1#text#mine#the way I use tumblr as just my personal diary#like am I overreacting? probably 100% yes and I’ll prob forget about this in a week but sometimes u just gotta write it out u know
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there are people saying jesusjudas isnt real toxic yaoi bc jesus wasnt toxic... yeah ok so i was about to start speaking but then i got sleepy and realised i probably shouldnt. say the words i was going to. um. hm. do me a favour dont look at the tags
#yippee goodnight someone should remind me to permanently block mar on all platforms someday#saying jedas isnt toxic on both sides is like shiori haters who dont think juri did anything wrong#... jedas is juriori for bible freaks. is what im trying to say.#ok. ok. goodnight#wait ok. so. so. jesus son of god. who cant just be in love with a man. his disciple. but he is. he is in love with him#jesus son of god. who is afraid and angry of this love that he shldnt have. pushing judas away. refusing to let him know why hes doing this#jesus son of god. who loves everyone. but still hates this one man. bc he cant atop loving him differently.#who sees judas as someone special. but who he cant let himself be too close to. so he loves him from afar. idolises him#but that isnt good for normal man judas. obviously. its weird and frustrating when the person you love appears to almost despise you#especially harder when hes literally the kindest and most wonderful man youve ever seen. so why does he hate you? help#yeah. ok. basically. jedas juriori bye bye#the bible#<- for me to find. hm. should make my bible tag something less. yk. someday ig#ughhhh
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Why are y’all so mad abt jayara it’s literally not that serious 😭💔
#i support haters tho so#do ur thing ig#actually#if y’all feel about jayara the way I do about Jayrose#i get it#i think I ship it bc Yara isn’t white 💀#like if she was white I wouldn’t give a fuck but I’m tired of the I don’t need no man attitude when it comes to woc#i think it’s different when it comes to amazons bc they’re all subjected to this treatment#but personally in tired of the ‘ur such a goddess’ ‘step on me’ ‘too good for men’ attitude surrounding woc#like It’s gotten popular these days but all it reminds me off is media where woc who aren’t lighter than a paper bag never get to have s/o#that was definitely probably not the intention of whoever thought of jayara#but that’s why I like it#i will ALWAYS support non racist ships involving woc#i don’t trust niggas who’ve never read anything involving Yara and don’t rlly give a fuck Abt her getting mad Abt the ship#like u are so unserious sorry#is this ship discourse?#i don’t think so I feel like it has to be deep to be discourse#like It’s never that serious in conclusion to each their own
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it might be the hormones talking but i am like in some throes of discouragement
#about creativity and fandom#i'm so stupidly proud of what i've been putting out in terms of storytelling#and kind of like. very aware that it's fanfic and it's free. and personally i think the quality is at least pretty neat#and more than likely i'm actually going to finish it which makes it - personally to me - a success#ig i don't really want reminders that. not so much that it's not mainstream but it's considered “gross” or Freaky let's be real#every so often something comes up that reminds me how different fandom/reader perspective has become#and that there's this underlying reflex to moralize things like fanworks/all works that's exhausting to. idk play in longterm now#i can go on bc it's a huge and old soapbox but there's not much that hasn't been said before and better#but in essence i'm good with stuff i write not being to everyone's preferences. that's cool and not the worry#it's the part about shoving preferences and stories like this under the bus bc it's. wrong???perceived in a severely literal light???#idk im not articulate atm. it's just a thing that kept popping up for me every so often for a while now
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despite the current state of things, good things have in fact happened. if they’ve happened in the past, they can and they will happen again.
#today has been rough#really rough#but good things have happened#and i really need to focus on the good things and the joy i’ve experienced#and not let myself get bogged down in all of these negative thoughts#i was reading a fic where two characters had their first kiss#and bc of my mental state i was immediately like well doesn’t it fucking suck that my first kiss was ruined#bc the guy it was with was horrible to me after#except that’s not true!!!!!! that’s not true!!!!! it’s not and i can’t let myself think like that#i had an incredible first kiss#it doesn’t matter what happened after it was a good thing#and i do that all the time like i can’t ever let myself acknowledge the good things bc idk ig i think somehow it might invalidate the bad#and that’s a horrible habit#anyways maybe the tags should be on priv but i do think if i needed the reminder maybe other people do too#reminders#personal
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anyways tired of this mean spirited ass website
#maybe im the only trans person who actually hates being reminded of my anatomy idk#its fine if a trans girl says 'you just want a penis!!' but if i say the same thing but w vagina im sure i'd get a million ppl yelling at m#hmmst.#i kinna just think we let ppl slide by w that shit toward transmascs too much. everyone else can be transphobic#towards us directly or even indirectly but if i inched anywhere near the same shit yall say suddenly its an issue#its the same shit w the fucking theyfab shit. doesnt matter if it negatively effects transmascs to some ppl at all apparently#but if i start goin around calling people femmab we'd prolly have issues huh?#can we explain this? are we just doing the whole reversing gender roles to feel woke and Not transphobic#bc its not any better just saying trans girls are the uwu ones who need to be protected and you cant make them cry instead of having that#thrust upon us- ya dont just get to reverse them and act like you're Doing something#anyways you dont get to protect trans girls from any perceived harm and then leave trans guys in the dust sorry idc#fuck off and die ig idk. or be better.#and no- obligatory: im not saying trans women oppress trans men.#if me critiquing your actions = me saying you're 'oppressing me' every time then you're#probably an insufferable person to be around anyways. but assuming good faith from some of the ppl possibly reading this#and whom i wish would assume good faith on my part as well- i do think we let trans women get away w shit that if trans men#did the same shit in reverse everyone would get in a pissy fit about it#and i dont think the solution is to let us do it too i think the solution is some of yall need to check yourselves and internalize the whol#'would you like it if someone said that to you' shit and changing things where it applies like. would you like it if i said to you that#'you just want a vagina'? probably the fuck not! so maybe fuckin check yourself and you wont lose transmasc friends.
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My brain is like all over the place but like I haha no uno reversed card my breakup and we're just on break now- one of the things I find funny is that he still wants my updates for y7 so that's fun (I'm not even upset I'm just confused 🧍)
huh
#snap chats#i dont remember you mentioning a partner ☠️ or maybe you did..#a lot of you guys have partners. somehow. its hard to keep track of who's dating and who isn't#well i guess you're not. right now. oops.#i mean if youre just on break then we can assume youre on like... decent terms... so y7 updates is fair game ig....#idk.. i dont know how breakups work dont ask me#for shit i do know how to talk bout tho. i finished watching priceless last night :) SOOOO good it was SOOO cute#every episoe was perfect and great... did remind me of first penguin though wherein We're Back At Square One#but im not mad bout that... dare i say... i like it... something about there being no grand prize at the end but still being content..#makes me happy... i mean i guess there WERE Grand Prizes won but our protags dont really get to enjoy those rewards personally#anyways. great show 11/10 im sobbing goku. now onto security police..#i spent a good chunk of yesterday playing DQXI since. i put it down for a while ☠️#but now im in a spot where im stuck again and i dont feel like making any more progress on it so. drama time :)#give me seven more months again then ill get back to DQ
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I'm guilty of a lot of things and sometimes I let life pass me by, but one thing they're never gonna get me for is being apathetic about living. No matter where I'm at or what I'm going through I can attest that I am excited to be alive!!! I love to be alive even when it's hard!!! One day I'm gonna make as many ppl as possible feel that way too because even when life gets awful, wanting to live is awesome!!! Forever and ever babeyyy!!!!!!
#ramblings of a lunatic#life is hard sometimes when i am very tired all the time forever and i have a very fritzy and weak social battery#yet I love wandering around with no purpose and climbing hills on all fours and being with ppl i love#i don't know when or how but im gonna figure something out about all that ^#sorry. finished watching gravity falls and now I'm in a mood ig. good show. wanna watch it again#have thoughts but also my brains a little soupy over the past week#speaking of! pros of past week: I finally have empirical evidence that i can feed myself and do laundry. strides are being made#cons: i have been lowkey taking care of my twenty year old sister a bit. it would be less bad if she acknowledged it as such#but i also understand that's difficult and I don't make it easy. things are complicated. mostly i wish she'd vacuum sometimes#but it's not the end of the world#anyway. was reminded that I'm a human person out of nowhere at 22:31 pm and am now coping(?)
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