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acidmatze · 5 years ago

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A Fractured Sense Of Self

About one year ago I made a post about Hawks possibly having Dependend Personality Disorder since I saw so many things in him that I saw in myself.

After several talks with my therapist however it became more and more apparent that I had been close but didn't really hit the target.

I'm not here to push a diagnosis on Hawks. He's just fictional after all and I am just someone overanalysing things and not a professional of any kind.

I'm probably gonna lay out the “symptoms” or rather.... Behaviours of Borderline Personality Disorder, see if they fit Hawks and how and then try to somehow make sense of his state of mind and how it ties in with how he acts.

Trying to make sense of whatever the hell is happening in the recent chapters.

So when my therapist said “I looked some things up and I would say his behaviour fits BPD the best.” my brain immediately went to “No that can't be. Isn't that a thing teenagers have?”

Even though I Should Know Better. Damn you, media.

Ableism is so ingrained in society even people with mental illnesses themselves aren't safe.

But anyway, this isn't an essay about me doing parkour to avoid feelings and problems this is more about HAWKS doing the same.

Part 1 So what is BPD anyway?

BPD is characterized by the following signs and symptoms:

Markedly disturbed sense of identity

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and extreme reactions to such.

Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)

Impulsive or reckless behaviors (e.g., impulsive or uncontrollable spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

Self-damaging behavior

Distorted self-image

Dissociation

Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage

Says Wikipedia

Let's see if and how Hawks fits these behaviour patterns.

(If you read this and suddenly realise “Oh shit I do stuff like that!” then please know you are in no way a horrible person. You did not choose any of these things. Stay safe cuz the world needs you.)

I'm intentionally leaving the Identity part for last.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, and extreme reactions to such.

And

Splitting ("black-and-white" thinking)

I'm gonna take both points on at the same time cuz they are dependend on one another and one thing causes the other.

Why did he suddenly switch from “I don't want to fight you! I want to help you!” while looking desperate and disturbed (and meaning it!) to a pretty much emotionless “I have to kill you” (and meaning that too)?

He wanted to help Twice!

He really believes that Rehabilitation is the way to go for him.

After all, Twice is a good person and good people should have no troubles in hero society, right? Only bad people are villains, right?

If Twice is a good person he should have no problems choosing Rehabilitation and come back to the hero side, right? They are friends and that's what friends do right? Friends agree with one another, right?

And then Twice declines and insults the one thing Hawks really believes in (because he never was taught anything else).

Which caused Hawks to:

Perceive Twice as an enemy instead.

Friends agree with one another and Twice does not agree which means he is not a friend which means he is an enemy and should be killed.

Hawks (probably) has never killed before and it's not the job of a hero even. Heroes should go out of their way to avoid murder and bloodshed.

So in my opinion this sudden switch from “my friend” to “enemy” is definitely fueled by Hawks own emotions. The feeling of betrayal; not only did Twice insult the hero system he also insulted Hawks himself because Hawks cannot seperate himself from the System. As far as he perceives it they are one. It is Hawks sole identity.

It is easy for us to say there are bad heroes and good villains.

Because what is Good and what is Bad can change from situation to situation and is always dependend on circumstances.

A person can both be good and bad at the same.

A person can give lots of money to charity. We would say that's a good person.

The same person can also constantly lie to people and be unreliable towards their friends.

We would say that's a bad person.

But we know it's the same person and we all do things that are good AND bad. We all do good things. And we also have done bad things.

What I wanna say is, no person is completely black or white. We are all shades of grey.

“I really love to have Joe as a friend. He's such a great listener and we have amazing talks but he really has to come clean to his girlfriend about crashing her car.”

For Hawks, this is not so easy to understand.

In his mind a person can either be good OR bad.

All villains are bad. All heroes are good.

This ties in with his own anxiety about not solving a situation in the best possible way.

Making even one mistake is not an option. Heroes are good people and good people don't make mistakes.

He was So Close to realising that Twice is a good person even though he is a villain but one of these moments cannot undo over a decade of brainwashing.

“The contradictionary truth that things or persons can be black and white, good or bad, etc At The Same Time, seems unimaginable.”

(Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder by Thomas Fuchs)

Impulsive behaviour

This one is either easy or hard, depending on how you look at it.

We don't know what Hawks does in his free time and if he even has anything like such.

But reckless behaviours are basically part of his job so he probably already gets his fill there.

Intense or uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

See his reaction towards Twice.

Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

Or rather, a complete lack of any relationship whatsoever.

He either idolises people (Endeavor) or demonises them (Twice right now).

One could argue that as of now Hawks is completely incapable or forming any sort of emotional connection. He himself says he doesn't get attached, sees it as a weakness. For me it sounds like a defense mechanism.

He Did get attached to Twice and we saw how that played out.

But Hawks getting hurt over and over is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking of someone as either completely good or completely bad does little to aid a friendship.

Endeavor’s abuse getting exposed would probably cause Hawks to go through a crisis. He idolises Endeavor. In his eyes Endeavor can do no wrong.

Normally I would say this is something that must be avoided at any cost but in Hawks case, it is probably a necessary step to help him break the lock of his golden cage.

Self-damaging behavior

“If corrupting myself is enough to put everyone at ease then I will gladly take on this job”, anyone?

Hawks sending all his feathers to Endeavor to help him anyone?

When is this bird NOT hurting himself?

There are many ways to self-harm and this is Hawks way to do it.

Isn't it convenient that nobody would question is since he's just doing his job?

Distorted self-image

Goes hand in hand with the very first point which I wanna do last, just in case it gets really really long.

Dissociation

To be honest, I couldn't find any signs of that in Hawks. If someone of you can, just correct me.

Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage

Hawks seems to vaguely know that something is going wrong in his life and he absolutely does not like his circumstances.

He wishes to be free.

When he looked at Twice and smiled and said “A cage is not where I belong” it seemed to me like he looked more pained than genuinely joking.

He mentions drinking alcohol after work so this could or could not mean anything.

Maybe he wishes he could get smashed after work?

Who knows.

But he is definitely depressed and tries to cover it with jokes. Some depressed people joke even more the worse they feel.

Seriously, his interactions with Twice seemed to be the most genuine ones, where he was/is the most vulnerable.

The jovial, easygoing, chatty Hawks is a lie. A lie he has forced himself to believe in.

A role he has to play. But he played it for so long he forgot that it is just a role in a play and not real.

Part 2 Hawks must die

Okay, that sounds really harsh. I promise it's just a metaphorical death. I'm side-eyeing Horikoshi so hard right now.

Now we will take a look at his identity, or lack of one.

Lately what I really was reminded of was this “Inner child” thing.

We only caught glimpses of Hawks as a literal child. He probably grew up in an unstable home. Probably had no one really looking after him, why else would such a young child roam around the city alone so freely that it has the chance to help in a car crash?

He didn't look much older than 6 or 8.

The Hero Commission discovered him and took him in and “provided for his entire family”.

What happened was that he was apparently completely removed from his family and was put into a clinical environment, cold, not suited for children at all, hell probably barely suited for any human being.

Hawks remembers that even as a child he was taught interrogation techniques. Espionage.

From a very young age he was taught to leave himself behind. To mold himself into whatever he needs to be to complete the mission. To be a chameleon. A mirror. Just a reflection of what others expect him to be.

He has to be A so he becomes A. He has to be B now so he ignores he ever was A and is B now.

He has to be Hawks so Takami Keigo becomes Hawks and leaves himself behind.

The last time he was Takami Keigo was when he was a child.

Change is a normal part in humans. It's very important during puberty. That's why teenagers experiment with it so much.

“Oh, it's just a phase” sneer the adults when the teen wears only black and say thats the “Real me”. In a few months the same teen probably tries something else.

That's a good and normal thing. Even as adults we are constantly changing and adapting.

But we never forget the person we once were. We stay connected to it, maybe remember it fondly and think of the friends we found that way.

Or sometimes we look back and cringe because “Wow, my parents really let me go outside like this?”

It forms one fluent narrative. All these changes are still us. We know that we are the same person as we were last year even if last year's us was completely different from today's us.

Hawks doesn't have this continuity.

He became Hawks and wasn't allowed any further change and he also wasn't allowed to be Takami Keigo at the same time. He is a tool to be used.

Takami Keigo is a frightened child. A child that made a decision and thought he did well and now this decision is his downfall.

Takami Keigo was never allowed to grow up. He was pushed away, so he can be Hawks instead, probably as an attempt to gain approval, to be praised, to be liked.

Hawks is an amazing actor, likeable, chatty, funny and witty, very competent at his job and smart.

Takami Keigo is a scared child.

If Hawks stops being Hawks there is nothing he can go back to.

Normally people with Borderline ofc also go through “phases” as everyone else does but instead of putting them all into a single narrative and file them all away under “That's me” every phase is it's own seperate story.

All energy is put into one “phase” as much as neurotypicals do but once this phase is over there is nothing that comes after it. When people without Borderline change “phases” we know a “home” we can revert to while we change. Our Self still exists in us wether we are currently obsessing about Ballett or Comics or Dinosaurs or Architecture or whatever.

For someone like Hawks theres either Ballet or comics or dinosaurs or whatever. No neutral spot. You are either the person who puts all their energy into becoming an archaeologist or you're nothing. Being something gives you a goal to work towards to. It tells you who to talk to, what to talk about, what to do in your free time etc.

Hawks being Hawks gives him a goal, a worldview, things to believe in, topics to talk about, a job, people to talk to, opinions to have etc. It gives him an identity, ready-made and easy to consume.

He cannot be anything else but Hawks. He is nothing beyond that.

Takami Keigo plays Hawks, they are not one and the same person.

He is Hawks but Hawks isn't Takami Keigo.

Takami Keigo holds no opinion of his own, no worldview, no goal, no hobbies, nothing.

Hawks has to die so Takami Keigo can heal. So the frightened child can finally grow up.

#hawks #here have 2.2k of word vomit #this probably doesnt make any sense.....#keigo needs therapy urgently #like... pls....#a friendship with Twice would be So Good because Twice is such an empathetic person #but thats a topic for another word vomit #that probably someone else should write #as i am not exactly competent at this #too emotional #i have emotions too big for my body disease #its kinda hard to see that the person who seems the most stable #is actually the one whos the least stable #i think most of us severly understimated his state of mind

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vidavalor · 3 years ago

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"You're my favorite" is a dialogue callback & a major hint as to what's up with Mobius

Let's talk about Mobius, Ravonna, the drink rings, the pen, the trophies, and "you're my favorite" because I don't think the clues are leading towards Mobius being a villain or a clone or a Loki... but they are leading towards him being a lot more *like* Loki than maybe we realized at the start... meta/analysis under the cut

Mobius is not a villain. The set of scenes meant to really underline this fact are when we see him sneak off to the library with Ravonna's Tempad to watch the Hunter C-20 video and see for himself that his suspicions that Loki was right about the agents being variants is true. If he were a villain, he would have already known this. That said... there are some clues that there *is* something that Mobius already knew and let's look at what those clues are and just what Mobius may be up to.

Mobius is something that Ravonna and the TVA need-- he's smart, inquisitive and a good leader. Their problem with that is he is smart, inquisitive and a good leader. That makes him a bit dangerous should he get too close to the truth. Other agents love him and might be more likely to follow him if he told them they were being lied to so that can't ever happen. On the other hand, it's far easier to "fix" someone that's broken by TVA definition than to just outright destroy it because good analysts don't grow on trees. That other agent who collected the other half of the trophies in Ravonna's office? The one who left drink rings on her table that overlap (in a Mobius loop-like pattern) with Mobius' own? That was the dude whose name is literally his name *twice over*-- Mobius himself. That is why there is no other analyst for Mobius to have ever bumped into in the hallway or been introduced to. Now, think about how Mobius must have thought about this other analyst. Like, a *lot*...

Mobius likes his puzzle and his ears are sharp, too. He brings up the other analyst to Ravonna in conversation, keeping it light, to watch what she says about this person. The more vague she is, the more he realizes that what he's beginning to suspect is likely true. He jokes with her to cover up that he's beginning to understand what's happened and what does he say? He jokes that he hopes that he's her *favorite*, a line of dialogue that he uses when hugging Loki and looking at another version of Loki in Sylvie. What does this mean? It means that while Mobius didn't know that all the agents are variants who were kidnapped from their timelines until Loki told him-- and we know that's the case because we saw him steal Ravonna's Temppad to watch the proof of it that he needed to see for it to be true, even if it was clear that he believed Loki when he was told of it-- Mobius *did* know something already at the start of the show: he knew that he had been reset.

He knew he was not the first version of Mobius that had existed.

That first version was the man he couldn't remember, who had gone on other TVA missions and collected half the stuff in Ravonna's office and had whole other conversations with her where he left other drink rings and that person was just gone now to him. This? Is one of the reasons why he's so empathetic towards Loki and bends over backwards so much to give Loki another chance at being the person he wants to be-- because Mobius himself has been doing that too, in secret. He probably blames Ravonna more than the TVA as a whole at that point-- he turns on the TVA more after he discovers that the agents are all variants-- but it's also why he's willing to take more risks and do things like bring Loki in to help because he identifies with him. Mobius has figured out that he was Ravonna's other agent but he knows that if he ever said that aloud or led Ravonna to think that he had realized it, she would reset him again or prune him and Mobius doesn't want to die. Ravonna tests him frequently with that pen, in particular-- it's either tied to who Mobius was in his timeline or it's something he brought back from before he was reset. She's looking for any signs that Mobius has remembered any of the resetting or any of his life from before. Mobius pretends that he doesn't but he does remember who he was before he was reset into who he is now-- at least enough to know that he was reset in the first place.

Another clue to this? When he rescues Loki from the judge in the courtroom, he's saving him from undergoing the same fate he previously did. There are only two options that we saw-- don't take a ticket (and so prove that you are not pliable and of no use to the TVA) and you get pruned to The Void. Take a ticket (and so prove that you have potential to follow orders) and the judge sentences you and then you get "reset"-- have your memories wiped & be turned into a TVA agent. That was about to happen to Loki when Mobius ran in but look at what Mobius said to him about it. Loki asked if he was taking him somewhere to kill him and Mobius said no, that that's where Loki just was. But think about that for a second-- it was clear that Loki had passed enough of the ticket test that he wasn't going to get pruned to The Void.

If Mobius at that point thought, like most do, that pruning = death, then Mobius would know that Loki had already saved himself from that by taking the ticket. So what is the "death" that Loki would have faced instead, if Mobius hadn't saved him? Mobius knows now what it is because he knows it happened to him before. He saved Loki from having his memory wiped and this version of himself from being killed by the TVA. Just as he's giving Loki another chance to embrace the moment and be whoever he wants to be, Mobius is also trying to do the same thing for himself. Whoever he was is gone now, in some ways, and Mobius can't even remember the missions he went on before, the trophies he brought back to the woman who killed who he was before and made him yet another version of himself. He struggles with what it is to be *him*-- an individual in the midst of similar copies-- and to have an identity of his own... just like Loki does.

Then, Loki uncovers the truth about the TVA from Sylvie and tells Mobius that all the analysts are variants-- that they were people kidnapped from their timelines to serve in the TVA-- and while Mobius does seek out the proof (and I think he also just is trying to figure out what happened to poor C-20, now realizing that she knew before the rest of them did), he believes Loki enough to seek out that proof. He instantly doesn't trust Ravonna. For a man who has spent his whole life (as far as he knows) in service to the TVA and its mission, it's a huge leap, even if he suspects Loki to be correct. The reason why he believed him so readily is because he already had reason to distrust Ravonna and the TVA brass because he already had figured out that he had been reset.

It's also possible that B-15 was also reset alongside Mobius, namely because she works with him all the time and might begin to notice that he wasn't remembering their previous missions. If there is anybody in the TVA that Mobius might have told about his suspicions that he was reset, it might be her and she could have been helping him. (For instance, who is it that tells Loki that he *has to take a ticket* in no uncertain terms? Why does B-15 care if he does or doesn't? What was it to her if they pruned Loki at that point? He was just another variant. Unless Mobius, whom she trusts and is her friend, told her to do everything she could to keep Loki alive in there long enough for him to get there.) So, there's a slight possibility that B-15 knows she and Mobius were reset but I also think he probably didn't tell anybody and if B-15 was helping Loki in the courtroom, it was just because Mobius asked her to.

Which means that Mobius has been wanting to fuck with the TVA a bit-- or at least annoy Ravonna-- for awhile, hence his willingness to go traipse around with Loki. His whole of the word "favorite" though is more loaded than it seems. When he says it with Ravonna, it's a dry joke only he really gets. He's flirty, he's joking with her that he hopes that she likes him more than this other analyst guy who is bringing back these other trophies for her. He makes it sound like a romantic rivalry between him and her other time-hopping Indiana Jones. Mobius at this point *knows that other analyst is himself* when he's saying this but he can't let her know that he knows, so he pretends it's a whole other person, and not a previous sense of himself that she has tried to erase and reset into a version of himself that he wants. Worse, Ravonna *never answers him*-- she never tells Mobius that he is her favorite. She talks about their friendship being uncommon and keeps trying to gaslight Mobius into believing that they have a thing between them that is exclusive to them when Mobius knows damn right well that she had him mind-murdered and he can't trust her. So, even this reset version of Mobius gets the run-around from cold fish Ravonna.

So, when Mobius is then in a moment where he's saying goodbye to the god he loves who is on a paralleling journey to his own, in terms of trying to be the best version of himself he can be with the single chance he has left, he says "you're my favorite" in such a way that while he is saying it, in a whisper, to the Loki in his arms, he's looking at Sylvie when he says it and that's intentional. He respects Sylvie, whose end goal isn't to do harm so much as to free the imprisoned and whose determination to that end is freeing Mobius more than he had previously thought possible, and he loves Loki-- and he's determined to not have them feel what he feels with Ravonna. He wants them to know they are both good as they are, that they can be their own selves and don't need to be more than just the best versions of themselves that they can be. Ravonna makes multiple copies of Mobius and tries to strip him of his sense of self and he's been fighting back quietly, recognizing the same type of fight in all of the Lokis that he meets, taking in their various issues with stride because he just admires all of it and feels a kinship to it. Telling Loki and Sylvie "you're my favorite" is a way of giving them what he hasn't had for himself, which is a sense that he's fine the way he is and he's loved and enough and who he is as a person-- the same traits that make him a good agent-- are not inherently subversive in a bad way or wrong... and if you read that last sentence and realized that Loki is then the perfect person to love Mobius, I agree. :)

#lokius #agent mobius #mobius #loki series #loki speculation #loki (marvel)

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brionysea · 1 year ago

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if we're talking manifestation theory, that's not strictly true

if max gave up on the party after mike was mean enough to drive her away from him/the upside down (one and the same), it would look like she listened when billy told her to stay away from lucas. imagine that lucas, for whatever reason, didn't manage to talk max back into the group after she walked away. billy would have no reason to go after him or the party because they're not max's friends, and while his racism was a prominent factor, he was primarily going after them to hurt and isolate max so that she didn't have an out from his abuse. the goal was to make her feel like having friends at all would put them in danger, like she was the problem, so it's not worth the risk and she should just continue being an easy victim

once mike decides side characters who seemed important at first actually aren't (eg. angela's angels in season 4), they cease to matter. they disappear from the narrative, no matter how strong of an introduction they got. if that happened to max and, by extension, billy, we never would have seen them again

following that timeline, we get this:

max doesn't sneak out through her bedroom window to fight demodogs with the party -> billy doesn't get sent to find her when their parents come home -> billy doesn't go to mike's house looking for max -> billy doesn't meet and flirt with karen -> the established context for their conversation at the pool and their arranged meeting at the hotel is void -> billy doesn't crash his car while on his way to threaten the wheeler family's complacent conforming ways after karen's decided against cheating on her husband -> the likelihood of billy getting possessed, while still possible as there were a lot of unimportant side characters in the mix, drops significantly (especially with the "disappearing characters" rule from above) -> billy doesn't die -> max, while stuck dealing with him, also doesn't die

technicalities of the problems the party wouldn't have solved without a zoomer aside, it could have worked. for the price of max not really being a character, getting the chance to grow the way we've seen, or befriending the party — essentially, not fulfulling the role she was implicitly promised and created for, unlike el who did do that in season 1 and (from mike's perspective) turned herself into a dust cloud about it — she could have kept living her life far away from all of this, alone and angry and afraid but alive. all she had to do was give up when mike pushed, which she did in canon (twice!), until lucas interfered (which worked the first time, but after the season 3 party split she ignored him, and mike had to do the convincing to make her come back, signifying a change in his acceptance of her presence and importance in his life). knowing max and how much she hated the way billy treated her, she would still think that's a crappy deal regardless

the thematic implications of that route on mike's character (who max didn't know at first but wanted to befriend so badly, with and without knowing the risks) are something that she's too good and forgiving and empathetic of a person to let stand. in the canon timeline, billy's possession was at least partly an attempt to grant max's wish and take the danger away from her. the full implications not being thought through, because that isn't how mike's emotion-based power works and it was already a very emotionally complicated situation for max, doesn't make his attempt at protecting his newest friend any less valuable

i could so easily see a season 5 situation where max and mike are chilling in the void together after a powers reveal, and mike is blaming himself for everything (but specifically killing max and putting her in a coma), and max has to convince him of this exact thing — that it was all worth it and she wouldn't take it back. that her friendships saved her, whether they also put her in a different kind of danger or not

max mayfield definitively possessing and demonstrating the quality of "if it sucks, you can just leave" when the party excluded her and when the whole dynamic got weird makes what happened to her so much more tragic

max could have gotten out. she could have forgotten she'd ever met any of them. she could have traded in these friendships and these people for safety and ignorance and never gotten anywhere near what happened in starcourt or in the graveyard or in the attic

but would she?

knowing everything, knowing what happens, would she go back and do any of it differently?

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briefinquiries · 4 years ago

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Luke Alvez x Reader: Just Friends

Request: "can u write one from luke's pov where he is madly in love with the reader but she's already got a boyfriend and he can't help but feel heartbroken knowing that he is just always going to be the readers best friend"

Word count: 5.1k

Tagged: @ssaic-jareau , @alvezstan , @lcvischmitt , @ogmilkis , @goldenalvez , @ssa-morgan , @garcias-batcave , @akimagies, @zhangyixingxing1 , @pinkdiamond1016 , @yourwonderbelle , @rachelxwayne , @sc4rletw1tch

Warnings: angst

A/N: I kept thinking of early season Jim and Pam when I wrote this so there’s def office inspiration in this fic!!!!

“Square up, Y/L/N, you’re going down.”

Luke hovered over your shoulder like a bug that just wouldn’t go away, muttering discouraging words into your ear, trying to distract you from the task at hand. You had to admit he was doing a good job, because all you wanted to do was turn around and smack him, but you had to stay focused. A bag of chips was on the line here.

You took a deep breath and pulled your arm back, nothing but sheer determination in your vision, and you let your paper airplane sail. You watched as it flew through the air, coasting past the copier and fax machine, past the cluster of desks, past Luke’s airplane resting on the floor, until it hit the door to the break room and finally landed.

“Yes!” you shrieked, throwing your hands up in victory. “I beat you by like four feet!”

Luke stares, stunned at how you managed to sail your paper airplane all the way across the office space, but nonetheless, hands you over a dollar to get your bag of chips from the vending machines.

“You really should stop betting on things with me, I always win—“ you gloat, as you both make your way into the break room.

Luke leans against the vending machine, watching you select your favorite bag from the top row. “No way, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

You laugh, shaking your head at Luke’s remark before opening your bag of chips and heading back to your desk.

Luke watches you go, that familiar sinking feeling becoming prevalent in his stomach, just like every other time you walk away. He takes a deep breath, trying to regain his right state of mind. He loved the friendship you two shared, but sometimes he needed a minute to stuff down all the thoughts running through his head, otherwise his undying love for you might just slip out one of these days.

The hardest part of Luke’s day was at five o’clock, when your boyfriend would meet you at the door and walk out to the parking lot with you. Luke would smile and wave goodbye, pretending like it didn’t burn every fiber of his being watching you lace your fingers with his and smile into his side as you exited the building. Then, he’d slowly gather his things and head to his own car, wishing you were at his side.

…

You and Luke had been friends ever since you joined the BAU two years ago. Two entire years, and Luke still swears it was the minute you walked in on your first day, a spot of dried toothpaste on your chin, that he fell completely in love with you.

He spent that entire first week getting to know you, and the next planning out ways he could ask you out. He’d never been more sure that he’d finally met the person he was meant to be with. His soulmate, if you will. Luke had been waiting in his car for your gray SUV to pull in one morning. He planned on exiting at the same time as you, playing it off as a harmless coincidence, and then walking with you up to the third floor. It was a cold December morning when he saw Sam for the first time. Then of course he didn’t know his name. He knew the man as someone driving you to work, with slim shoulders and a trimmed beard. He leaned over the center console and planted a kiss right on your lips before making a U-turn and exiting the parking lot. Luke had let his head drop and made a beeline for the door, trying his best to ignore you calling his name and the gut-wrenching dread he felt.

That was two years ago, and Luke still hadn’t moved on. How could he when you sat only feet away from him? Spreading your infectious laugh and always being there to make him smile? No, Luke hadn’t moved on. Instead, he’d just learned to live with it. He swallowed his feelings and instead focused on the friendship that you two shared, no matter how much it killed him inside. It was always about more than friendship, and he knew it from the start. Even though that is what he loved most about you. Falling in love was quick, easy, inevitable. You would talk and laugh and be happy. If life is a series of moments, then it was those innocent instances that defined Luke for the longest time.

But falling also hurt. You were his best friend. You told him everything, but he had to keep his biggest secret hidden from you. On that first day, even if you didn’t remember it, he could see a future. Your future together. And for that split second he wanted nothing more than to kiss you, to forget about the rest of the world and focus on you. But there was no messing this up. This was you, and it was really just complicated.

…

Luke sat in his car in the parking lot the next morning eating his breakfast and occasionally warming up his hands in front of the air vents. Just as he was finishing off his bagel, there was a soft knock on his window. It took him half a second to realize it was you; your coat was zipped up to your chin and your beige scarf covered most of your face. Luke quickly got out of his car and you both exchanged hellos in the still-dark parking lot.

“What are you doing here so early?” he asks, shivering a little in the cold winter air.

“Sam and I kind of had another spat last night and I wanted to get out before he woke up…" you trail off. Luke’s jaw clenches at the mention of his name. ”What about you?“

“I have to make a call to the LA precinct first thing this morning. if I don’t call him by 8am sharp, he said he couldn’t file the evidence we gathered while we were consulting there on time. I wanted to go over the case file before that.”

“So you got here before the sunrise?”

“It’s a big file,” Luke says with a smile.

You chuckle and then look over to the far end of the parking lot, “Hey, come with me.”

It was one of those commands Luke didn’t have to hear twice. He followed you, his hand in his pockets and his nose buried in his own scarf. You both walked over to the edge of the lot, and you stepped up on the curb, standing on your tip-toes. Luke furrowed his eyebrows.

“Come on, Luke,” you say playfully.

He laughed nervously before following your actions. He faced the direction you were facing and saw that through the fence there was a perfect view of the distant hills on the east side of the city. The sky was thick and dark blue and the hills looked outlined with gold. The sun began to peek over the horizon and the buildings in the horizon went from grays to a bright mixture of yellows and oranges.

Luke glanced over at you as you looked at the view, smiling wide, the sun hitting your eyes. Luke could never quite tell, your eyes always looked hazel and sadly dull in the florescent light of the office, but for the first time he saw their true color: a brilliant green with splashes of brown near the center.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” you asked.

“Yeah, really is,” Luke says, still looking straight at you.

“We should go inside,” you said quietly, noticing his insistent stare from your corner view. “I’m freezing.”

Luke nods, eyes lingering on the view a moment longer before he trails behind you inside the building.

…

It's a habit, more than anything else, that has Luke lingering in the break room when he sees the tired lines in your face three days later. It’s instinct, to ask you if you want to talk. To take a seat at the table before he has a chance to consider the implications of what he’s just offered.

Besides, first and foremost, he’s your friend.

More than anything, he wants you to be happy. And if there’s something he can do to ease the tension in your shoulders, to watch the frustrated crease in your brow fade back into familiar calm, then he will. Of course he will.

Being the one to elicit a smile from you is worth the cost of his own discomfort.

Patiently, he listens to your perspective on the misunderstanding between yourself and Sam, he tries to detach himself from the situation enough to give you the sort of sincere and thoughtful advice he’d extend to anyone in that position. But he doesn’t want your thanks — your gratitude that much worse because it’s genuine.

Luke had served as the backboard for you since he met you. He was always around to listen. Maybe he was imagining it, but it seemed like you and Sam had been fighting more and more lately. He hated seeing you upset on a daily basis in the break room and he tried to ignore the sliver of hope he felt inside.

Apparently last night had been bad. Luke can tell the minute he sees your puffy eyes and quivering lip.

“What happened?” he asks, concern evident in his voice.

You shrug, trying to be brave, but the tears fall anyway. “He threw a glass at the wall next to me last night. He was drunk… muttering about how he thought I was cheating on him.”

“Oh my god—“ Luke said, gut dropping as he imagined how scared you must have been in that moment.

“I don’t think he’d ever hurt me or anything. But I was scared.”

“What’d you do?” he asks, taking the seat at the table across from you.

You curled your hands around your mug of coffee, “I left. Went to my moms. I think it’s over. I mean, it has to be, right?”

Luke wants to blurt out a gigantic yes, but instead he empathetically furrows his brows and nods softly, “I definitely don’t like the idea of you being scared.” And without thinking, he reaches his hand across the table and touches yours softly.

Your eyes shoot down to where your hands touch, all of a sudden you feel so nervous. You pull back and drag your coffee mug to your chest.

“I should get back to work.”

…

Luke has a hard time focusing the rest of the day. It was over. You said that. It was over and maybe, just maybe, Luke had a chance here. He’d be your friend first, of course. Just like it’d always had been. He wouldn’t rush you. But now he had a chance to prove how much you truly meant to him. He was elated. Lighter and more hopeful than he’d felt in months.

It all comes crashing down with the sound of the office door opening and closing. Luke’s fists clench at his side the minute he sees Sam walk through the doors. He’s ready to get up and ward him off if necessary; the idea of him yelling at you makes his blood boil. But he watches from his desk instead, as Sam makes his way to you, gently tapping your shoulder and whispering something in your ear.

Your initial reaction is wide eyes, filled with what is that? Fear? It fades quickly, morphs into anger. Then sympathy. Luke watches as you grab your coat from the back of your chair and willingly follow him out of the office, through the door without looking back.

…

“He apologized, and he really was just so sincere. I think he really meant it.”

Luke nods and takes another swig of coffee, which wasn’t even warm now. He cringes.

“Sounds it,” he says dully. Not even he can fake enhance the amount of enthusiasm in his voice.

“What’s that?” you ask, offended by his dull tone.

He looks at you and raises an eyebrow. Disappointment and anger and frustration all boiling under the surface of his skin after seeing you and Sam kissing in the parking lot again this morning, so he decides for the first time in a long time; to be honest.

“No, it’s just I’ve heard all of this before. It gets a bit old is all.”

“It gets a bit old?” you repeat, stunned by his response.

“Yeah you and Sam. He does something nasty, you break up or contemplate breaking up, then he apologizes with roses or chocolates or what was it this time? Perfume? Same story, different version. Can’t blame me for getting bored with it.”

And then Luke walks straight out of the break room and back to his desk, where there’s a light flashing on his phone. He presses the button and pulls up a chair to listen to the voicemail.

“Hey Luke, it’s Dave from the New York field office. Meant to catch you before lunch, but I wanted to talk to you about an agent opening here. It’d be a promotion for you. More duties, but more pay, all of that. Give me a call back with the details if you’re interested. Thanks.”

…

It ended in the parking lot, the blooming seed of happiness that lived deep in his chest was fading, right next to his heart. It was his best friend, his sole support, the girl of his life who made everything just a little bit better. It was you standing there, your jaw dropping with surprise and Luke with his entire heart and soul on the line.

It was Luke that changed the game. This game of yours, the little dance of just barely something more than friends. He had nothing left to lose, because he couldn’t do it anymore. So he gave himself an ultimatum. Tell her you love her. Tell her and if she turns you down, you can accept the job. Tell her you love her. Tell her and if she loves you back, you can live happily ever after.

The words hang thickly in the air. “I love you, Y/N. I’ve loved you since the day I met you.”

You stand still in your spot, eyes watering and eyebrows furrowed with confusion and surprise. And for a quick second, Luke thinks you might say it back. But then you drop your clenched fist to your side and you let out a loud, inconvenient sigh and it’s amazing how quick his gut picks up on the rejection. It drops as you start muttering about how “you can’t” and “you have a boyfriend.”

“Listen, Luke—“

But that’s all. Because Luke doesn’t want to listen. His hands wrap around you and Sam has never held you like you’re this precious. It’s gentle but firm, warm and large, pulling you softly towards him, gathering you, even as his mouth falls against yours, just as lightly, just a hint of pressure and you feel so small against him, against this unspoken message that he loves you. And it’s powerful.

“Luke—“ you say, finally pulling back.

He freezes, jerks away, his hands still gentle, even as his eyes are screaming, those big brown eyes that love you. “You’re really going to be with him?”

Your ‘yes’ is locked into your throat and tears fill your eyes, but somehow you can’t look away as you destroy your best friend from the inside out. There are a million reasons to stay with Sam and only one to leave him, because you maybe love Luke, but you maybe don’t love Luke, and it’s that thought that makes you nod.

“Okay.”

You can’t blame him when he walks away, when he holds on to your hands for as long as possible, even as he can’t look you in the eyes. You want him to look at you. You want him to fight for you, but you know that’s unfair to ask him. But you don’t want to lose him and you somehow know you’re going to and you need him to understand, but before you know it… he’s gone.

…

It’s not as if you’ve never seen his desk without him sitting there, because of course you have. He’s stayed home sick, made occasional use of his vacation days, gone on consulting trips and prison interviews— you know what the office looks like when the shape of him is missing, but it’s the permanence of it that hurts.

As you settle in that first day of Luke’s absence, you hang your coat up and take a seat, You let yourself miss him as a coworker and as a best friend and that’s it. Work will be work, with or without Luke Alvez.

But that’s a lie, because of course it hurts like hell.

Each day it’s harder, when it starts to sink in that this doesn’t mean a handful of days out recovering from the flu or visiting his family, but that there is a new and permanent Luke-sized hole in the fabric of you. So you play sudoku to avoid noticing the absence of his voice and you doodle in your notebook margins during case consultation meetings to ignore all the jokes he can’t whisper in your ear.

As the days go on, regret floods deeper within you. You always knew Luke was your best friend. But you probably always always knew he was more than that too. You just wished you’d been brave enough to see that.

That night you break up with Sam. This time, there’s no yelling or screaming or wine glasses thrown against the wall. It’s respectable and understood that they are just not meant to be. You thought there’d be a Sam-sized hole inside of you now too, but there’s not. Instead, it just makes room for Luke’s hole to grow bigger.

…

It’s twenty past seven and you’ve got your coat on and bag in hand when the phone rings.

You debate for a moment about answering it — after all, technically you shouldn’t even still be here.

But, well, you are still there, so it’s equal parts obligation and impulse that has you reaching for the handset and saying, “Hello?” with a slightly tired edge in your tone.

“Uh, hey.”

And — oh. Oh.

“Oh my god.”

“Hi.”

“Um… Hi.”

Witty. Clever. Exactly the kind of thing you’d imagined herself saying to Luke when you finally reconnected after too-many-weeks of silence.

“Sorry, I needed a number from Garcia. It was from a case we worked not long ago—”

“Oh.”

“—and I was just gonna leave a voicemail, because I didn’t think anyone would still be there.”

It’s hard not to wonder if Luke had been making an open effort to avoid you on purpose, if he’d waited to call until twenty past seven because you were supposed to be gone and he’s supposed to get a machine instead.

“Why are you still there?”

“I had to work late.” And then, because that sounds flimsy, goes on. “Well I didn’t have to, but there were just some open files I wanted to finish up.”

“Wow,” he says, the faint tone of amusement in his voice. “Wow, the BAU has really changed you Y/L/N. Going above and beyond, that’s not you.”

And you’re smiling—because it’s Luke and you aren’t sure your face is capable of behaving any other way around him—but there’s something nervous and careful in the lines of your expression that isn’t usually there. You’ve missed him, but knows that a subtle shift occurred in your relationship that can’t be undone, that things might never be as easy as they once were.

“Everything else is pretty much the same here.” Except—god, no—of course it isn’t.

“Oh…good.”

You change up your previous statement. “A little different.” Because you need him to understand that even though the routines of the office cycle on, no part of that environment could ever be the same to you without him there. Then you ask, “what time is it there?”

“…What time is it here?” He pauses, something uncertain and unsure in his tone. “Um, we’re in the same time zone.”

“Oh, yeah, right.”

“How far apart did you think we were?”

“I don’t know,” you mutter, embarrassed. “It feels really far.” And you can hear his thoughtful, quiet agreement that suggests it’s more than just the miles dividing D.C. and New York that’s currently between you.

…

It took you until the next morning to get your act together. You were walking into the building, the sun rising across the lot, and you felt it. A crumpled up piece of paper in your pocket. You gripped it in your fist before pulling it out, unwrapping the paper and trying to make out the scrubbed words.

“You can’t get rid of me that easy.” It was a note from Luke. One from back before the airplane competition, where you’d bet on how many green M&M’s were in the jar resting on Garcia’s desk. You’d beat him easily, leaving time to gloat on how he should just give up on betting against you, cause you always won, just like you did every other time you two bet on something. Luke had left the note on your desk with the soda you’d won.

You could feel the tears surfacing, blurring your vision as you turned in your spot and starting walking all the way back to your car. You opened the note up again after you’d sat in the driver’s seat, unfolding the paper and running your hands over Luke’s scratchy scrawl and letting yourself feel what was long overdue. It all floods in at once. The despair, the guilt, the regret. But also the love and admiration and memories of laughing, smiling, feeling lighter than ever around him.

You stop in your tracks, backing out of the building and walking back towards your car.

You pull your phone out of the depths of your pocket and dial your boss’ number quickly.

“Emily,” you say when she answers. “I need to take the day off. I have to go to New York.”

…

The city was so close down the road, you could see the outline of hazy buildings out of the window. You stared diligently ahead, running through what you were going to exactly say to Luke when the time came. But before you knew it, you were pulling into the parking lot of the New York FBI field office, sliding into the spot beside Luke’s car as an automatic reflex, and you still had no idea what you were doing, what you would say. Yet your feet trudged up to the front door, almost like a little girl who knew that you had to admit to your mother that you’d smashed her favorite vase, because it had to be done, you just weren’t quite ready for the aftermath. There were no obstacles now. No Sam or unacknowledged feelings and you were sure that’s what scared you the most. What if, after all this time, Luke had just had enough? What if you just weren’t meant to be?

You walked right up to reception, waiting until the woman hung up the phone before telling her you were here to see Luke.

“Y/N?” his familiar voice rings through the air and when you look over, you can see him standing up from his desk. “What are you doing here?” There’s a hint of curiosity and surprise and maybe even a little excitement in his voice.

You couldn’t tell him here. You had to go somewhere more private.

“Could we um, talk?” you say quietly, offering him the slightest smile even amidst your nerves.

“Yeah,” he says, “let me just grab my coat—“ he motions back towards his desk with his thumb, where you see his familiar black jacket hanging off from the back of his chair. You wait patiently with your arms crossed across your chest, bouncing on the backs of your heels.

“All set?” he says, hand buried deep within his pockets.

You walk down to the parking lot in silence, still pondering what you were going to say to Luke in your head.

“How’s New York?” you asked after thanking him for holding the door open for you. You wanted to stall as long as possible.

Luke chuckles, “Common, Y/N. You didn’t drive three and a half hours to New York to ask me how the city is.”

You blush, of course you didn’t. But you still didn’t know what to say to him. To Luke. The man you loved, completely and wholly, with everything inside of you.

You could feel your cheeks growing hot as you thought about what you were about to admit. You’d had so much courage built up inside of you before, but now, it was quickly draining. You had to say it before you were completely empty.

“I miss you.”

Your heart’s still thumping like crazy, banging against your ribs, and you’re not entirely sure what you just said.

And Luke didn’t say anything back to you, but it wasn’t like you said all the stuff that you were thinking to him.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” you continue, your voice wavering.

Luke shakes his head. “I’m okay.“

You nod. There’s a silence, long enough that you worry you’re not going to be able to say it all and nothing will happen and you’ll go back to being scared and afraid. You want to be someone who says what they feel.

“It’s just— the BAU isn’t the same and… I miss you. I miss you a lot, Luke. I miss my best friend.”

“It can’t be that way again, Y/N,” he says. "I wasn’t your best friend. I was in love with you.”

“We could just go back to the way things were—“

"No,” he says. He’s standing so still, arms at his sides. ”What you miss – that wasn’t friends. That was us… that was me being something more. All the time. And I can’t do that anymore. It hurt too much.”

You feel kind of sick, but a little voice in the back of your head says you should be grateful for whatever happened, because it was better than being endlessly, endlessly quiet.

“Then I’m really sorry,” you say at last. “Because I miss that.”

“What do you think that means?” he asks, and there’s a little heat in his voice. “What do you think you’re really missing?”

Before, you would have undoubtedly ducked your head and avoided the question, or flat-out lied. Now though, you had driven three and a half hours and you’re standing in front of Luke, far enough away that you have to speak up for him to hear.

“I know what it means,” you say quietly. “And you know.”

He shakes his head, “I don’t. You’ve made it clear you only wanted to be friends.”

“I don’t think I’ve made anything clear,” you say, and for the first time you have the urge to move closer, speak more softly, because this is the hard part, the thing you couldn’t say in front of everyone else. “I should have been honest a long time ago, and I know that, but I couldn’t until I knew what I wanted.”

“Do you?” he asks after a moment, his voice low. “Know?”

You take a big breath, letting the oxygen go to your head, willing back the feeling you had just before you ran up to the third floor. “I want to feel the way I did when I was with you, back before you moved to New York. I don’t want to be lonely, and I want to redo the past two years except it made me figure out a lot of things about myself, so I don’t know. I want stuff to be easy, Luke, and it isn’t, and I thought that maybe if we could be friends again I could have one thing in my life that made me happy, even if it wasn’t what I really wanted.”

He’s quiet for a long time. The wind whips against you, making you shiver.

“Why can’t you say it?” he asks.

“Would anything change if I did?”

“I don’t know, everything changed when I said it.”

“Fuck it,” you mumble, the cold air filling your lungs, “I love you. I have loved you but I was with Sam and I was afraid and I didn’t know it. And I’m still afraid, but I know it now.”

You stare and wait for his reaction, hoping with everything inside of you that you weren’t too late. But the look on Luke’s face, the sad, almost pitiful stare, gave you reason to believe that you were.

And your courage drained for good.

“I’m sorry,” you said, wiping a tear falling down your cheek, “I shouldn’t have come. I’m gonna go. It was nice to see you,” you mumble before turning away and heading towards your car.

When Luke saw you turn away, it was as if lightning struck him. All he could see was your back, stiff and tense, walking back towards your car, parked near his, and suddenly he didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know how it had come to this. The last several months had turned you both into people he didn’t even recognize anymore, and he blamed himself.

You were all he ever wanted. You were the one he saw in his dreams and imagined in his fantasies for years on end, and he had you. It was supposed to be forever, but all he seemed to do anymore was hurt you. The Luke from six weeks ago would absolutely kill him for that. The Luke from six weeks ago would feel about him like he used to feel about Sam. Sam took you for granted, and didn’t consider your feelings.

Like Luke was doing now.

He sprinted toward you, his long legs reaching yours in just a couple of long strides, and he grabbed your arm to turn you around. You had no idea what was happening, but he didn’t stop to explain. He simply wrapped his arms all the way around you, and held you close. You didn’t resist, but you didn’t reciprocate immediately. He pulled you closer. He buried his face in your hair, nuzzled into your neck, and tried to breathe you in. He remembered the electric shock of when you first met (for him, anyway), how it felt to love you and not be able to have you. He couldn’t let himself let it slip away.

You finally wrapped your arms around him, and he felt a small shudder go through you. You pulled back and he could see your face crumple just before you took his face in both hands and kissed him. When you parted, you were both smiling as said, “I love you” in unison.

#luke alvez fic #luke alvez imagines #luke alvez imagine #luke alvez x reader fanfic #luke alvez x reader imagine #luke alvez x reader #criminal minds x reader imagine #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x reader fanfic #criminal minds x reader fic #luke alvez fanfic #luke alvez fanfiction #luke alvez angst #criminal minds

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oneboxofmatches · 3 years ago

Text

This is a request I did for the amazing @strawberry-caffeine -- she’s been so kind to me and it was an absolute joy to do this request!

A few things: With the length of the request, while I still included friendship matchups, I decided not to write out descriptions/explanations along with them. To (hopefully) make up for that, I put the #1 friendship choice in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS with two other bonus characters I think you’d be good friends with in regular bold type (except for the Harry Potter: Marauders era because there aren’t many choices haha). I hope this is okay!!

Here we go!

--Supernatural--

I romantically pair you with…

JACK KLINE

You’re good at hyping your friends up? Please give this boy all the hype in the world -- he needs it.

Seriously though, one (out of many) of the reasons Jack loves you so, so much is how you’re able to talk him out of a slump. His constant doubts and insecurities regarding his identity plague him often, and the fact that you’re willing to both listen to him pour his heart out and still find a way to reassure him means the world.

Jack’s also still getting the hang of the whole “talking” thing, so you helping him along when a lull in the conversation arrives makes him feel supported.

Not only does your helpful nature benefit Jack, but it’s also one of his favorite traits of yours! He believes in a kind, just world and consistently seeing that from you never fails to bring a bright smile to his face.

Whenever you bottle up your feelings, however, Jack is admittedly at a loss at first. Though it would take patience, turning these moments into teaching opportunities will help him become more in tune with emotions over time.

During these moments, all he wants to do is help -- even before he really understands what’s going on. He’ll ask you what you need and rush to assist in any way he can. He hates seeing you hurt, it’s as simple as that.

Jack loves being around you because he learns so much, and you’re just as eager to teach him. Together, you learn to appreciate the little things in life because you both bring such different perspectives to the world.

Overall, the kindness you show Jack from the beginning is what drives your relationship, and he makes it his goal to make sure you know how loved and appreciated you are in return.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

CASTIEL, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Charlie Bradbury

--Harry Potter--

In the Golden Trio era, I romantically pair you with…

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

Honestly, Neville’s insecurities may make him feel a little intimidated by you at first. Thoughts like, “How could someone as friendly, energetic, and spontaneous as her ever love me of all people?” are pretty common in the early stages of your relationship.

Of course, you help Neville understand fairly quickly that you aren’t going anywhere. Because you’re so good at reading and interpreting emotions, you’re able to assist him with addressing these doubts head-on. These personal conversations are what truly solidify your trust in one another and serve as the strong foundations of a powerful bond.

Also, Neville really appreciates your ability to keep a conversation going. He sometimes struggles with this himself, but he’s relieved he doesn’t have to worry about these shortcomings when it comes to you. Talking with you just comes naturally.

While his verbal communication can use some work, Neville is one of the best listeners to have on-hand when it comes to any problems that arise in your life. Someone’s pushing you to your limit? Neville has all the patience in the world to let you rant so you don’t have to bottle up your feelings. Need to talk through solutions to personal issues? He’ll give you his undivided attention while you work your way around to an answer, providing feedback if you ask for it. Feel the need to ramble? Neville will not only listen, but he’ll actually take a genuine interest in whatever it is you’re talking about.

While he otherwise second-guesses all his decisions, Neville surprisingly really enjoys venturing on unplanned, impulsive adventures with you. A favorite for the both of you is exploring areas on the grounds or in nature. You’re usually the one to charge ahead, excitedly talking while Neville hangs back a few steps. He takes in his surroundings, sure, but mostly he’s just watching you and simply feeling happy from the joy you radiate.

Speaking of things you love to do together, gardening is near the top of the list! One of Neville’s deepest passions is botany, and he doesn’t share his knowledge with just anyone. Seeing you take a true interest in your shared garden gives him all the warmest, fuzziest feelings imaginable.

Overall, you’re the one to bring Neville out of his shell, and he’s the one who takes time to listen to you. You bring out the best in each other, and your unbreakable bond makes the two of you fiercely loyal until the end.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LUNA LOVEGOOD, Nymphadora Tonks, Molly Weasley

In the Marauders era, I romantically pair you with…

REMUS LUPIN

You want to talk about one of the most understanding and patient individuals out there? It’s this one.

While Remus isn’t always keen on discussing his own emotions, he is very astute when it comes to sensing the well-being of others. Whether you’re burnt out, overwhelmed, on the verge of a breakdown or something bad just happened to happen to you that day, he knows.

Having people like James and Sirius as friends has taught him both how to tune in to the ramblings of a hyper person as well as how to utilize selective hearing. Remus realizes that he never wants to use that second skill with you. Unlike his friends (who he loves very much, mind you) he wants to take in everything you tell him.

It’s this active listening that makes Remus an excellent gift giver. A majority of the things he gives you are from offhand comments that you don’t think twice about making in the moment.

One of Remus’s absolute favorite things about you is the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you’re passionate about. He finds this trait so endearing, and it’s an easy way to make him smile.

Caring for you when your thoughts are traveling especially fast becomes second nature to Remus. Whenever he knows that he’ll see you, he always has at least one outlet (pen/paper, alcohol marker, etc.) for you. He’s also more than fine with you drawing something on his hand if you’d like -- he loves watching you work and he also gets to walk away with something that can remind him of you!

Remus also excels in history, reading, and writing, so I can definitely see many conversations between you two that revolve around these subjects. Also, after both of you complete your own essays, I believe proofreading and/or discussing each other’s work would become a habit of yours.

Overall, the shared ability to read and interpret emotions as well as the simple wish to care for one another draw you two together to form the sweetest couple around!

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

LILY EVANS

--Marvel Cinematic Universe--

I romantically pair you with…

PIETRO MAXIMOFF

Pietro was first drawn to how easily you can hold a conversation. He recognized immediately how easy it was to joke around with you once you warmed up (which didn’t take long -- Pietro’s somewhat gifted with the power of easy conversation himself). You both felt comfortable around each other relatively quickly.

Yes, Pietro’s known for his impossibly quick movements, but no one stops to think that this requires impossibly quick thinking. While Pietro has had some time to grab somewhat of a hold on his abilities, he still struggles with thoughts that just move too fast for him. You show him some of your tactics for dealing with this, and it literally changes his life.

Up until that point, your interactions had been mostly fun and rather lighthearted. But helping Pietro in such a thoughtful way and relating to him on a level that no one usually can made him see you in a different life. That’s how he knew he loved you.

This can be a chaotic relationship at times to say the least.

Many of your conversations can hardly be followed because you often build off of each other’s energy. While your quick minds are often on the same page, a third person might not be able to keep up.

Pietro does NOT hesitate when it comes to standing up for you. As soon as he learned about your people-pleasing habit, he took it upon himself to be on guard for anyone who could possibly take advantage of you. While you may find it hard to say no, Pietro has no problem stepping in and telling someone to back off.

You might feel as if he goes a little overboard with this sometimes, telling him that it “wasn’t right to be mean to that person.” He’ll just glance at you, shake his head and start up a lecture (albeit not a harsh one -- he really does care about you!) about asserting personal boundaries.

Pietro and his ego LOVE compliments, so you can expect a welcome reaction to each one you give him.

He’s also a big fan of going on spontaneous trips, discovering different parts of the world side by side.

But he’ll also settle for getting to hold you while you two talk about your day.

Overall, Pietro has no problem matching your energy, and you both want nothing more than to discover the adventures life has to offer together.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

VISION, Thor, Tony Stark

--Hamilton--

I romantically pair you with…

JOHN LAURENS

John has a lot of respect for someone who manages to include everyone, so it’s no wonder you caught his eye.

First impressions already told him you were friendly and empathetic, but discovering the more energetic and spontaneous side of you? Yep, he was in love.

Both of you have always had a desire to help people, so being able to do that with someone who shares the same passion and energy feels special. You’re more than a couple; you’re a team.

Whenever John’s troubled by what’s going on in the world, it doesn’t take him long to turn to you. He’s one of the most stubborn people alive when it comes to admitting he needs help, but all he knows is that talking to you seems to relieve him of some of that load (please be patient with him!!).

Meanwhile, he knows you have your own ways of coping with racing thoughts so he feels comfortable giving you space when you need it. If what you need is a person to listen, however, he’s there in a heartbeat.

Serious topics aside, you two just know how to have fun! Between your friendly personalities that naturally draw others in and your impulsive natures that (most of the time) lead you to exciting experiences, you make so many mutual friends! Sharing a group of close friends -- surprise, surprise -- brings you and John even closer.

Overall, you and John can always be found by each other’s side when facing whatever comes your way, good or bad.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

PHILIP HAMILTON, Marquis de Lafayette, Peggy Schuyler

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embrythecall · 4 years ago

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a twilight tag game, you say?

pick 5-10 characters and write your take on the canon version of them vs. fanon version of them. fanon doesn’t have to be what is generally accepted in the fandom, it can be your own idea of what you think a character is like. then tag the same number of people as characters you pick, if you can.

I was tagged by @teamjacobthot -- thank you so much! I’m excited to get into this :)

EMBRY

(obviously because i adore him with my whole soul)

Canon:

chill aka probably just shy let’s be real here

likes to bet on things?

seems to have the most common sense

Fanon:

HERE WE GO, EVERYBODY *cracks knuckles*

def the smartest one out of him, jake and quil.

an observer. definitely a people watcher. he reads the VIBEZ

very, super, ultra, mega sarcastic. almost cynical. I feel like he’s probably a realist in a lot of situations rather than either an optimist or a pessimist. probably leans a little more towards pessimism though

refuses to learn about his dad (though, I personally believe it’s Joshua Uley, but that’s a long headcanon for another day unless someone specifically wants to know my thoughts on it more haha)

a super romantic without knowing he’s a romantic?

real tight with his mom-- they’ve only ever had each other since old daddio has been out of the picture the entire time and she’s probably never really dated (once again, i have more thoughts on that too but you know, i digress)

also i SUPER headcanon that he almost ALWAYS only refers to her as, “Ma,” unless it is a serious situation in which he uses ‘mother’ but i do NOT feel like he is a ‘mom’ person. at least for his own mother.

honestly these are just all my own headcanon i have no idea what people think about him :S

for me, i think him and Jacob are closer than Quil is to either of them. In my mind, when embry’s mom Tiffany first got to town, she became really good friends with Sarah Black and thus, Jacob and Embry have kind of been friends since birth, quil only coming in a little later maybe and just not having the same kind of friendship that embry and jake have

I think him and Leah secretly get each other. Like they don’t talk much or anything, but Embry never makes comments to or about her and doesn’t participate in the guys being absolute jerks to her.

also, he just guzzles that respect women juice. like, he was raised solely by his mother so like... he was taught to respect women and also i think this makes him more empathetic to other people which is why he wouldn’t be mean to leah or say mean things about her because he’d understand to a level and might even see pieces of his own mother in her because they both were screwed over by men and he never EVER wants to be that to anybody ever

probably plays guitar but NEVER shows anybody

usually the but of a joke between jake and quil.

also the decider in arguments between jake and quil

i have a zillion more but i’ll quit while i’m ahead

also

is a slut for muffins

QUIL ATEARA V

Canon:

he thinks he’s a ladies man (thinks)

more outgoing?

likes hanging out with friends

took his cousin to prom

Fanon:

so, so, so funny as in a total dork with a lot of unearned confidence

book smart but NOT street smart

prefers name brand foods over generic because it just ‘has that extra something something’ and also, class

loves to debate with jacob. he always ends up taking it somehow more seriously than jacob does.

i actually do not know why nobody talks about quil i feel like he’s super underrated and actually hilarious.

@teamjacobthot‘s one of this tag game mentioned he was a soundcloud rapper and i think i DIED so imma also go with that and second you there

very particular about how things are done

a lover of the puns

toy story is his favorite childhood film, and he announces it as so.

LEAH CLEARWATER

Canon:

angry and bitter

thinks nothing more than of sam

hates vampires

sassy

Fanon:

i absolutely LOVE practically every fanon i’ve ever seen of leah in the fandom like...ever. they are all so amazing and i actually just want tons and tons of fanfictions about all of them

Ngl, i really am a big AngelaxLeah fan

BUT

I PERSONALLY hc that leah gets fed up with being in the pack and she feels like there’s really nothing there for her. She ends up leaving la puzb to go off and explore the world-- she wants to see it and experience more than just the memories and the life that surrounds her in la push. she travels all over and often does so in wolf form when she can. I HC she imprints there-- on a real nice super cool lady from some other country. (this is another thing i could go on for days about, i will write a fanfic about it one day. ONE DAY i shall PREVAIL!)

Honestly, i really do like Leah as she was canon. I think that it was the way everybody acted around her that i would change and i feel like the fandom as a whole agrees on that

like yeah, Leah is a badass bitch with a great sense of humor. she’s witty and sarcastic and smart and wise and i just love her to pieces. everyone else just needs to wise up and be nicer

JACOB

Canon:

super supportive and kind and loving and understanding and THEN smeyer swooped in and DESTROYED MY BOY.

like, don’t even get me STARTED on my feelings about what she did to her OWN CHARACTER

i mean really

smeyer straight up didn’t know what to do with him so she did... all of THAT. it makes me want to wheep.

Fanon:

the fanons out there on Jacob are just... they are SO WONDERFUL and give me SO MUCH JOY

i’ve heard him being a mechanic obviously, i’ve heard about the HILARIOUS details of his friendship with like, alice and rosalie and emmett like... that shit is so funny i live for it

i could read jacob fanons all day

i guess personally, i just love to bits. he’s super patient. very funny but also is really understanding and can (and loves) to get into deep discussions about stuff and listen to other people’s passions and share his own.

purposefully pushes quil’s buttons so he can get a rise out of him because he LOVES their dumb bickering and enjoys a good debate

is also almost always right in those debates

quil probably won like... twice in all of history and it was based on some kind of weird trivia fact he learned in a biology class or something lol

i bet that when the time came he had kids (not with you-know-who obviously cause just...no), he’d be SUCH a great dad and he’d be SUPER hands-on with them, like always taking them places and teaching them how to do various stuff

and if one of his kids was really into something he didn’t know how to do, you KNOW his ass is up on youtube all night long learning how to do it so he can spend THAT MUCH MORE TIME with his kids

oh he’s just so sweet love him to pieces

RENESMESS

...I had to do this but i have a good reason:

Canon:

exists

Fanon:

absolutely does NOT exist

who?

the only ONLY acknowledgement i will give her is i read a fanon somewhere about how she HATES her name. like she is downright royally not okay with it and when she gets older and has to go to school for eternity with her family (weird. seriously so weird but i’m pushing through this) she decides to announce that she is only going by this other name (personally i feel like it’s Carlie because it’s still her middle name and jfd;akfsd but also because it’s A NORMAL NAME) and so she is never called renesmee again because that is straight up a monster name and even her nickname is a monster so like, ugh.

also, i REFUSE to believe that Jacob imprinted on her, okay? if she has to exist, he did NOT imprint on her and they can be buds or something but just... no. (i have so many issues with imprinting guys, i should just sit down and write a long post about it but the ENERGY and it isn’t like it’s not all things that have been said before. it’s more what I’d fix about it so it could still exist but not be a legit code word for grooming and an excuse for blatant p*d* grossness because that’s all it is and i HATE THAT)

so I don’t talk to anyone in the fandom really because i don’t really know how to start conversations like... at all. I really WANT to talk to people but I’m a chicken and i have a hard time, BUT, i really admire so many of the blogs on here and i LOVE so much of their content. Off the top of my head, i shall tag:

@chiefjacob @911esme @jacobblackredemptionblog @embrycallsmuffin @leahclearwaterdefensesquad AND anyone else who wishes to do this! it was so much fun! I say do it! and if you’ve already done it, i just tip my hat to you for being an awesome blog :)

seriously! tag me when you do it, i want to see your answers!!

#twilight #twilight saga #the twilight saga #tag game #twilight series #jacob black #team jacob #wolf pack #quil ateara #embry call #leah clearwater

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ihavenoconsistentname · 4 years ago

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Alright semi-important rant time to give you an overview of what it's about:

-Potential TW/CW for talking about manipulation via victim complex and guilt tripping

-It's about the Crater System so if you know them guess what you need to read this

-Also mentions/talks about victim blaming

-There are mentions of telling people to off themselves/wishing death upon them and spoiler alert those two people are both 14

So be aware of that and just for scrolling's sake I'll put it under a cut

Also, this is not a "callout post" by any fucking means, it's literally just making sure people are aware that this shit happened mainly if those people are associated in any way with the Crater System.

So first of all if you feel the need to see any screenshots as "proof" for any of this by all means feel free to message me for them.

For like at least like around a year the Crater System basically used me as their personal therapist for shit about their dad often just saying random things about it and full on venting without asking if I was in the right headspace to hear it or even asking anything, and even if they did ask I would have the inability to say no, and here's why:

-I am hyper empathetic, and that has prevented me from saying "no" or saying "stop venting to me".

-They constantly said self deprecating and guilt trippy things like "I deserve the bad things happening" or "I'm such a bad person" basically just to get me to pity them and try to convince them otherwise, which severely burned out my empathy constantly.

And guess what? They reacted angrily when I was rightfully upset and TOLD THEM I could never say no because of my empathy when it should have been common sense not to vent and trauma dump TO A CHILD.

I am 14. Everyone in their system with a couple exceptions is an adult. Their system's body is 22, that is 8 fucking years older than me. I'm a child, they're whole ass adults.

They would randomly say stuff about their dad or situation as if I could do something and I never knew how to respond because it was out of nowhere. There were times when they'd throw vent paragraphs at me out of nowhere.

They often complained about wanting a 50/50 friendship but when I've accepted their vent offers, which mind you only happened like once or twice maybe 3 times, very rarely- I got responses nowhere near the level of help I tried to offer them.

One good example? When Cub let Wels vent. Kni vented about the severe attachment/detachment issues kni experiences, and Cub replied saying, and I'm quoting:

"Just try to remind yourself that this is your hormones and unstable teenage mind working against you."

If you were to look up the symptoms of BPD, and I am in no way saying any of us have it, that list of symptoms would literally give you a general idea of everything kni's been going through. All of it.

And mind you, this is a DID system failing to separate alters from their host and from the body because Wels as an individual alter is in knight's 30's and not 14 like I am and like the body is. And even if the brain being that of a 14 year old influences alters? That shit was disregarded as a teenage problem. You know why? Because "we were your age when it happened to us so that's why we think it's a teenage thing", again, quoting that word for word, and once again, failure to separate alters from the body and host. Because "your age" would be saying "we were in our 30's". Wels is not 14. I am. Wels was the one speaking. Not me.

They have such a massive victim complex and that really shows when you see how fucking often they would not shut up about what happened with someone else my age. Aka someone they also manipulated. If you were here when that was going on on my blog you'll know what I'm talking about.

I will tell you right fucking now I do not claim to have not been in the wrong just because I was manipulated into taking their side. I was not correct in doing or saying what I did and said. I reacted so fucking awfully literally victim blaming because of blind trust and I completely blame myself for that. I am not excusing any of that just because they manipulated me.

Over and over they kept bringing up that shit being guilt trippy about how "they ruined a friendship" and saying they deserved whatever bad was happening and I was so tired of hearing about it because at one point I literally regretted every single moment I was defending them because I was starting to realize I was so wrong for that.

And guess what, they would literally wish for that person, another 14 year old they literally manipulated and hurt, to be dead.

One of their alters threw a temper tantrum and told me twice to kill myself telling me once that I didn't deserve to live, that same alter saying, and I'm quoting:

"That fucker that deserves to fucking die-[name, im keeping the name out just because]- can burn in hell for all I care. He used us."

^With worse grammar/spelling that I fixed.

So that's an alter throwing a tantrum telling one 14 year old to kill himself and saying another the same age deserves to die for being a victim. There's a prime fucking example of their massive victim complex. And, how fucking ironic! They say a victim of their manipulation used them while literally using someone the same age as the other victim.

Constantly they brought it up and would either talk about how sooo fucking horrible (/s) that person was or talk about how horrible they were, and to the first I gave half asses replies acting like I agreed just to get them to shut the fuck up about it. Whole ass adults not owning up to things properly and instead being guilt trippy for the pity of another minor they got to defend them wrongfully and making themselves out to be the victim.

So even if I was technically manipulated into being on their side? I still don't take it as an excuse for myself. It isn't one.

To recap:

-They manipulated a 14 year old and played victim constantly about it

-They manipulated another 14 year old using their massive victim complex saying guilt trippy things for pity then got upset when that 14 year old who shouldn't have been used as a therapist for an adult (or adults, plural, if you want to say it that way) expressed that they were tired of it

-They had an alter disregard very serious issues someone was having as "hormones and an unstable teenage mind"

-In doing so they also failed to treat/acknowledge an adult alter as separate from the body who is a minor and the host who is a minor despite literally being a system

-They had an alter tell a 14 year old to kill themself/that they should be dead while also saying another 14 year old deserves to die for being the one they manipulated (once again playing victim)

-They repeatedly vented completely out of pocket/without asking only asking a few times but being so guilt trippy with their words that the person they forced their problems into was unable to say no to them

-And they also failed to respect the boundaries of people they hurt/affected negatively. I didn't go over this but they would not fucking let things go and insisted on trying to "apologize" to people who were trying to let it go basically refusing to leave them alone even after being told several times not to insist on doing it

If you're associated with the Crater System and you follow me, and you're going to continue to associate with them at complete will or downright ignore any of this? Leave.

I highly suggest you don't associate with them. Especially if you're a minor. I don't know who all here might know them but they're not good people and I found that out the hard way. You're literally just going to get yourself used and manipulated.

P.S. If you do talk to them and you ever get a word out of their mouths about me? Tell me.

#alex.txt #real talk #important #tw manipulation #tw death threats #i still dont know if thats the right tag

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years ago

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x1 When are you likely to lie? If I’m downplaying something or trying to avoid conflict or concern.

x2 Do you say what you mean, and mean what you say? Usually.

x3 What is a personality type that you do not like? Cocky, arrogant, close-minded people.

x4 What is a personality type that you DO like? Laid back, nice, good sense of humor people.

x5 Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? I don’t have any friends.

x6 How about the most like you? In what way? --

x7 What is something you do daily? Is this a habit of yours? Drink coffee. Well, yeah, I’d say so if I’m doing it everyday.

x8 What was the last thing to frustrate you? Is it still, now? This morning I woke up late and had to rush to get ready to go to my doctor appointment and was just having a rough time.

x9 Do you let other peoples' troubles bring you down? I am effected when people tell me about their problems. Sometimes it can be draining. I’m empathetic and sympathetic, so I can’t help it.

x1o When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? I don’t feel I should be appreciated.

x11 Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? No.

x12 Are you taking anyone for granted? I really hope they don’t feel that way.

x13 What is one selfish thing that you do? I’ve just been so focused and caught up in my own shit the past few years that I haven’t been there for others like I should and used to be. I’ve pushed people away because of it.

x14 How about something selfless? Hm.

x15 If it were to snow right now, would that be unusual? That would be extremely unusual because it doesn’t snow here--ever, and we’re in the middle of a heat wave.

x16 What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? All the holiday festivities and traditions and spending time with family.

x17 What helps you fall asleep? ASMR can help.

x18 When you are nervous about something, what do you do? I become squirmy and fidgety, I pick at my nails, bite my lips, mess with my hair, fiddle with my hands...

x19 Have you ever been near death? How was this experience? Yes, twice.

x2o What is something you understand very well? Hm.

x21 How do you feel about friendship in general? It could be the depression talking, but I feel fine with not having friends.

x22 Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? I mean, I do miss Ty and our bookstore and cafe hangouts.

x23 Which friendship have you maintained the longest? Are you two close? I don’t have any friends anymore.

x24 What do you do to help yourself "move on" from things? I’m not good at that. I have a hard time moving on and letting go from things. I dwell too much on the past.

x25 What is a scent that reminds you of someone? Vanilla reminds me of my mom.

x26 Is there an image/memory you wish you could forget? Yes.

x27 Do you think it is possible to live without regret? Why or why not? I don’t, no. I definitely have my regrets.

x28 Do you think that you are headed in the right direction? No.

x29 If you have a religion, do you think it's the only "right" one? It’s what I believe to be true.

x3o Have you met anyone else who challenged that belief? Yes.

x31 What is the hardest part about writing a paper, for you? Getting started. Once I do, I’m usually on a roll.

x32 How often do you doubt yourself? Has this helped or hindered you? All the time. I don’t believe or have faith in myself. I just feel like a complete failure.

x33 What is a fear you want to overcome? I neglect a lot of things out of fear that could really benefit me. :/

x34 What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? That I do what I just said.

x35 Do you do anything harmful? Like what? Neglect things I shouldn’t.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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moonchildsaurora · 4 years ago

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The Racer who chased supernovas

»»—— Crew Member #7 of Space Pirates ATEEZ ——««

all aboard The Perihelion, welcome to the co-pilot’s log system! here you’ll be able to access the crew’s profiles should you wish to read about their journeys: (no nsfw content)

[CAPTAIN] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]

“your wings have always existed, all you have to do is fly and fly high for the winds will be at your command”

the other individual that you could pick out from a crowd, especially by his high-pitched laughter

full of charisma and a youthful soul, he attracts all kinds of attention and has trouble reigning in his recklessness at times

Wooyoung is an Alxil-Rolgrie mix who survived on his own in the lower district of Liyutania, the other member of The Perihelion who didn’t really know the meaning of family until his path crossed with the others

[database file: Rolgries are very much human-like beings, only distinguishing features are their strikingly light-coloured hair (that comes in shades of ivory, lilac, silver and/or coral), heterochromatic eyes and slightly translucent pale skin. This is due to their inherent ability to camouflage with their surroundings, like a chameleon, if they so wish to. Alxils are a nomadic sub-group of Dark Elves, preferring to keep to themselves. Having darker hair along with a more ash-grey skin, glowing red eyes and defined elongated ears]

Wooyoung seemingly took on more of his Rolgrie heritage in terms of physical appearance & ability. His hair is of a lilac-coral mix (that resembles the hues of sunset as Yeosang once said), an indigo-coloured left eye & violet-coloured right eye, slight translucent ash skin and the Alxil elongated ears

his camouflaging ability came to him since his youngling years though he didn’t really master it until his adolescence. Used to need all the concentration he could muster just to hold a full blend or to make sure it was the correct blend in the first place but now he could hide his entire self easily with his eyes closed

this has proven to be extremely beneficial for him to make his way around town undetected and a free-‘get-me-out-of-this-mess’-pass

though Yeosang made him pinky promise not to use that during their childhood games of hide-and-seek because he knows Woo would cheat to win

“I would never!”

“…you literally have been standing there all this time and I’ve just walked past you at least 10 rounds making me look like an idiot”

“gotta admit that was pretty fun-OW OK OK!!”

the lower district community did look out for Wooyoung, knowing that the cheeky kid meant well and he was just trying to get through each day at a time

sometimes one of the more empathetic merchants would allow Wooyoung to sleep on a spare rug under their tents, other times young Wooyoung would be lucky enough to find unoccupied shelter on his own to stay the night. Elderly food vendors would drop off extra scraps to make sure he wasn’t going to bed on an empty stomach at least

has had a few rough run-ins with the Uppers that caused him to be defensive by instinct and personally biased towards their aloof, ignorant nature although his view significantly changed after meeting Yeosang

initially he thought the young half-Suva was an oddball because why would an Upper remotely be interested in knowing his name, least of all saving him from face-planting on the ground too?

the warmth he felt on that day was by far something foreign for him to feel especially after how Yeosang complimented his appearance and shared his oshiadilla bun. With the meekest “thank you” Wooyoung marked that day as friendship achievement unlocked

when Yeosang spontaneously invited him over for dinner Wooyoung spent majority of his time just gawking and taking in the sight of the Kangs’ residence, too afraid to touch anything in case he’d accidentally broke it, “is that really a golden fountain in the middle of your courtyard?!”

young Wooyoung got terribly confused as to why there were so many forks, spoons and knives for one person to use at the dining table too

he became a constant around the residence so much so that the Kangs adopted him and it took him a good whole month just to process the fact that he was now a part of a family, he belonged somewhere – Wooyoung would never trade anything in the galaxy for this

the first time Yeosang ever saw Wooyoung cry was when his parents surprised them with their new school uniforms and supplies. His mother helped fitted their uniforms, embracing both her sons closely afterwards and all Wooyoung could think in that moment was damn did it feel good to have a mother’s embrace

it also felt really good to receive Yeosang hugs too, not really knowing just how touch starved he was

academic studies wasn’t really his thing but he did try his best, being street smart was more up his alley, “no matter! Education is important and everyone should have an opportunity for it, so long as you come home knowing something you didn’t know the day before,” were the encouraging words his adoptive parents would give

he holds high respect for Yeosang’s intellect and wouldn’t shy from proclaiming loudly & proudly, “THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND AND OLDER BROTHER!” whenever Yeosang did his thing in the classroom even though he’d earn a forehead flick from a flustered Yeo most of the time afterwards

Yeosang may not be as openly affectionate as Wooyoung is nor show that he actually cares in an obvious manner, but he did make it crystal clear just how important Wooyoung is to him after punching a classmate who had nothing better to do than rudely reiterate the differences between Wooyoung’s ‘kind’ and the rest of them

from that day on Wooyoung swore to have Yeosang’s back, just as much as he had his. He almost cried out of fright that Yeosang had put himself and his reputation on the line to protect him. Ended up crying in bed at the overwhelming gratitude that he felt from receiving the amount of love that he himself still wasn’t sure if he deserved

“don’t you dare think otherwise, and besides the only one who’s allowed to roast you as per sibling’s obligations is me”

before Wooyoung joined The Perihelion as Hongjoong’s fighter/main gunner, he was the up and coming Drifters Arena’s rookie champion in podracing

as a youngling he’s snuck into the Arena a couple of times to watch the races and it wasn’t till years later, for a birthday treat did he return to the Arena (this time purchasing a ticket properly, courtesy of his family). Wooyoung not only found his passion in flying but seem to have a natural flow for it too

he learnt the basics and started practising with the other rookies by having casual races. Effectively catching the attention of a previous retired champion, Redline, who saw potential in Wooyoung albeit his messy improvised manoeuvres and technique solely based on instinct when in race mode

Wooyoung had to get Yeosang to slap him just so he could tell that he wasn’t dreaming when Redline asked if he’d be interested to train under his guidance

“IS THIS THE REAL LIFE OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY?”

“stop being such a drama queen! He’s right there you know?”

more yelling ensued when Redline set Wooyoung up with his very own podracer, a second-hand from the mechanics but reliable enough to still function decently. Over time with his winnings Wooyoung was able to spend it on extra parts and resources to spruce up his beloved baby; Aurora (yes he was very proud of the name he came up with for his podracer)

‘Little Speedstar’ was the nickname that Redline gave him but Wooyoung wouldn’t have it because, “I’M NOT THAT LITTLE”

“no you’re just vertically challenged that or gravity is just against you” Yeosang would snicker in lowkey

to say that it’s stressful watching a podrace would be an understatement according to Yeosang (anything goes in a podrace and racers aren’t conservatives when it comes to playing dirty at times), but it gave him nothing short of pride and joy watching Wooyoung effortlessly dance through the skies and be the first racer to cross the finish line

Wooyoung loved and appreciated seeing Yeosang amongst the crowd, it was a grounding factor for him before every race. What wasn’t a normal occurrence for him though was seeing his best friend being manhandled by an odd bunch of strangers

with post-race adrenaline kicking in and the need to protect strong he didn’t think twice about yelling at the group and power stomping towards them, not stopping even when he thought, “well damn, hello gorgeous” as San stepped defensively in front of Mingi to shield Wooyoung’s attempted swipe at him to get Yeosang back

fortunately over time more trust was established and their bonds were less of a rocky road, if anything Mingi empathised the most with Wooyoung for having similar backgrounds and lack of family in their early years of their lives

the other combo package deal that Hongjoong got with Wooyoung and Yeosang officially joining the crew

Wooyoung adapted fairly well to his new nomadic lifestyle and just when he thought his world couldn’t have grown any bigger, it did; now his family extending to that of the crew (he still dislikes being sent to Hongjoong’s room and will always complain to Seonghwa because, “I’m your favourite son right?”)

San became his go-to whenever he needed to fill his daily quota of affection

the party don’t start till him and Mingi walks in, drinking buddies along with Jongho (Wooyoung has a very soft spot for the youngest) & Yunho. Is openly smug about the fact that he’s got one of the best alcohol tolerance on board

when Jongho installed blasters onto Aurora, Wooyoung had dubbed it the glo-up of the century. Not only could he fly to scout/retrieve/act as a distraction but he could f i g h t now – he could make things explode (chaos levels have increased)

accidentally became the other half of the reason as to why Hongjoong banned any sexytimes on the ship and a sensitive content blocker feature was added in the Yunhogizers after Wooyoung sent a spicy photo to the group chat instead of his private fling

“Mother did NOT raise you this way”

major pouting over having bro privileges revoked but he’s been cooped up making a dozen new starcatchers for Yeosang and also has hijacked Seonghwa’s kitchen to surprise cook dinner for the crew as an apology literally wrestled a Grandu [database file: equivalent to a giant crab, a food delicacy] into the pot to boil and learnt that cutting onions truly is the demise of every being

all in all never forget (1) Wooyoung loves his family, very much (2) anyone who messes with them is sure to become target practice for him

(moodboard made with love, by @s1ardusk ♡)

#ateez headcanons #atzinc #aurorateeznet #atinyforatiny #pirate ateez #pirate ateez au #ateez au #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #jung wooyoung #ateez wooyoung #ateez drabbles #ateez writing #ateez fic #Perihelion Crew #pyx writes

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bellatrixobsessed1 · 4 years ago

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Azula Week: Day 3 - Nothing

Prompt: Friendship Pair: N/A Song: Krypteria - God I Need Someone

Summary: Azula feels as though it is impossible for her to make or keep friends.

Friendship means nothing to her. No, that is not true. It means many things to her.

Suffering, betrayal, and regret. Lost potential, eventual hatred, and shame. And she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want any part of it. She’d rather be alone. She’d rather be alone but the isolation is tearing her apart.

Friendship. It takes trust, compassion, and understanding. Three things that she doesn’t and will never have. Because she is broken. Something in her is so terribly broken beyond repair and this thing keeps her from connecting and empathizing with people.

Sociopath. That’s what they call her. She is beginning to think that it is true. Why else would she struggle so terribly to talk to people. Struggle so terribly to find a friend. Struggle to muster up compassion, to think of someone other than herself.

She wishes that she were different; less cold, more approachable. She wishes that she were the likable sort. The kind of person that others wanted to comfort or, at the very least, feel sorry for. But they are as cold to her as she is to them and she doesn’t blame them.

She wishes that she could bring herself to admit that she has all of these wishes. But she doesn’t have that kind of courage. Her bravery is apparently limited to the battlefield and politics, just like her social skills.

Azula slumps to the floor of her room, thinking for the thousandth time that she is unsalvageable, wondering just what is wrong with her. What keeps her from understanding other people.

She doesn’t consider that it has something to do with how few struggles she has seen. Not until she completely unravels so deeply that she isn’t sure she’ll be able to claw her way out. On most days she is numb and more unfeeling than usual. To the point where her mother’s relentless chatter no longer phases her when the woman manifests upon the surface of a mirror or in the reflection of a pond.

She doesn’t consider that it has something to do with how little she had suffered in the past until she runs again. They make it so easy for her. They leave her so many opportunities. And finally she seizes one. She makes her way out of the institution and onto the streets.

They aren’t kind to her. They leave her starved and dirty, and twice as broken as before she had fled. And this time they don’t come for her. She realizes, with horror, that they truly don’t care for her. She has fled and been captured several times already, they simply don’t give a damn so long as the only one she hurts is herself.

Maybe that is what they had counted on. Maybe they are aware that she has two options; returning to the facility or testing her luck on the streets where no one will have anything to do with someone so obviously affiliated with the nearby institution.

Even if they do recognize her, she doesn’t mean anything at all to anyone. Her title is empty. She is empty.

She manages another several days, trying to prove to herself and to everyone that she can handle it. That she isn’t just some spoiled and pampered disgrace. That she can make a life for herself without her birth advantages. And in another several days, all she has proven is that she is a bigger failure than she had anticipated initially. The walk back to the institution is a special type of shame walk. She fears that they won’t take her back. No one will take her back.

But they do and she doesn’t plan to wander off again. Maybe that is exactly what they wanted. Granted, she has also decided that she doesn’t want to go home either. She doesn’t really have a place there anymore. She can’t function like everyone else.

.oOo.

Zirin slides a bowl of bland noodles to her. She takes it quietly in her hands and stares at it. “Another hard day?”

Azula looks up. Every day is hard, really.

“Yeah, I think that it’s one of those days. Everyone seems kind of moody today.” Zirin shrugs. “I think that it’s like a thing, ya know. Everyone gets wild at the same time.” She wriggles her fingers at the word wild.

Azula doesn’t feel particularly wild. She just feels sad. But at least she is feeling something. She forces herself to take a mouthful of noodles. Zirin had taken the liberty to fetch it for her, she might as well show some appreciation.

“Do they taste good?” Zirin asks. “And by good, I mean do they taste edible?”

“They’re fine.” She finally says.

“She talks!” Zirin declares loudly to her group of friends.

Though Azula can’t really blame her entirely. Zirin has been trying to strike up conversation with her for weeks now only to be met with silence. She isn’t sure why the girl is so persistent. “Occasionally.” She finally replies to the remark.

“I told you that today was one of the weird days.” Zirin jokes. “What made you decide to talk today?”

She shrugs. “Because I want to know why you are so interested in me.”

“I don’t know.” She admits. “I guess that it’s because you seem like you need someone to talk to.”

“Have you considered that there is a reason that nobody does?”

She ponders this. “Well why wouldn’t they?”

“Because I am a sociopath.” She replies nonchalantly.

Suddenly everyone is quiet again. She finishes her meal and retreats back to her isolation, glad that she hadn’t tried to get close to Zirin. That would have hurt..

.oOo.

She doesn’t see Zirin again until she finds her arguing with someone that she can’t see. Azula’s stomach lurches. She might as well be looking at herself. The girl is angry and distraught, a strange sight considering how chipper Zirin typically is.

Azula lingers at the end of the hallway for a moment, wondering if it is a good idea to approach her. She knows that she doesn’t like to be fussed with when she is speaking to her mother, she imagines that Zirin wouldn’t care for it either. Especially if she were to take her by surprise.

She waits until Zirin begins to calm to make her approach. The girl looks up, her eyes seem to pass right through her. For some reason this sinks Azula’s stomach. Her eyes look so far away and Azula’s belly flutters nervously. But that isn’t quite right… She isn’t particularly nervous. But the feeling isn’t pleasant.

For once it isn’t she who is chasing and speaking with phantoms. For once it isn’t she who is breaking. And yet she feels as though she might as well be.

“Zirin.” She greets, not entirely sure how to begin this conversation, not sure if she should. She has never gone out of her way to initiate conversation before. This is something of an impulse and she is already regretting it.

Zirin looks up before she has a chance to fully second guess and make her exit. “Azula?”

When Azula doesn’t reply any further she continues, “how much of that did you hear?”

Azula shrugs, “just the end, but I couldn’t tell what you were saying.”

Zirin rubs the back of her head. “That’s probably a good thing.” She adds an uncomfortable laugh. “Yeah, so, you caught me, I’m one of those types”

“Those types?”

“The ones who hear things.” She mutters.

She knows that this is a good time to mention that she is hear for the same reason, but she can’t seem to bring herself to do so. So she simply stares straight ahead, feeling terribly awkward.

“You think that it’s weird, don’t you? Everyone else does.”

Azula swallows. “Do you know why I’m here?”

“Because you’re a sociopath?”

It comes like a slap to the face and she feels as though her emotions may bubble over and leave her in tears again. The only thing that holds her together is the knowledge that she is the one who had mentioned it to Zirin.

“I’m here because I see things…” she trails off. Among other things, she adds to herself.

Zirin smiles. “It’s good to know that I’ll have someone who will understand.”

Azula tries to smile back, but it doesn’t quite work. It never quite works. It aids in her inability to connect. Her face falls again, “Don’t get your hopes up. I don’t empathize…”

Zirin tilts her head, “but you stopped here to talk to me?”

“Yes.” Azula confirms.

“Why?”

“Because…” she trials off trying to piece together her own reasoning. “I guess that it’s...because I’m always alone when it happens to me.”

“So you decided to talk to me because you know how it feels?”

“Something like that.” Azula replies quietly. That sounded about right.

“In other words, you are being empathetic?”

Azula takes a deep breath. “This might be the first time.”

Zirin snickers, some of that mischievous perkiness begins to show through again, “gee, I must be really special!”

.oOo.

Special doesn’t quite cover it. Zirin has come to mean quite a lot to Azula. Despite any protests, she seats herself by Azula at mealtimes and her friends usually come too. And for the first time, she doesn’t feel so isolated.

Sometimes they don’t talk. Sometimes they don’t even look at each other, but it is nice to have them there. To know that they are around. It is like having TyLee around again. But there is something different. Something...genuine. Zirin doesn’t linger around because Azula has made sure to carefully wrap her around her finger. In fact, Azula doesn’t do anything at all to try to make her come back. To force her to talk to her.

It is a rare day, one where Zirin comes to visit her dorm alone. It is a day as good as any to finally ask her why. Why she sticks around when Azula can offer her nothing useful at all.

Zirin fixes her with that big, goofy grin, “because I like you.”

“Why?” She pushes. “I need to know why.” They have nothing at all in common save for the thing that has landed them there.

Zirin seems to grow serious. “I just do. You don’t really talk much, but when you do it’s always fascinating. It’s also really nice to have someone to talk to about the hallucinations. You’re one of the only people who doesn’t look at me differently or like I’m dangerous.” She pauses. “Your my friend.”

“Friend…” Azula trails off. “I don’t think that I’ve ever had…”

Zirin takes her hand. “Well then I’m glad to be your first. I know that you’re going to make more of them, but until then, you have me and my girls?”

Azula doesn’t squeeze hands back but she doesn’t jerk hers away either. “Thank you.” She whispers. “I...I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

Zirin beams brightly at her, “you won’t be, I promise.”

#Azula #Azula Week 2020 #Azula Week #Fanfiction

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priorireverte · 4 years ago

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This is the admin application for LILY POTTER. Please note that there is not the expectations that all applications been this long; I am aware that this is somewhat excessive.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Emmy, she/her

TIMEZONE: Pacific Standard Time

ACTIVITY LEVEL: On the dash daily, aims for two long paragraph posts a week.

ANYTHING ELSE: Hoping to have a lot of fun!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Lily Ruth Evans

BIRTHDATE: January 30th, 1960

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Female, she/her, Panromantic, Heterosexual

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

OCCUPATION: Returned, no employment yet (Unemployed before death as well)

FACECLAIM: Sophie Skelton

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

POSTBELLUM:

Finding herself in a world where twenty years have passed by without her would be hard enough. Catching up on world events, figuring out how technology has changed (at least the Wixen world is somewhat stagnant on that front, something she never thought she’d be grateful for), learning the story of the war that followed after her. Then there is the struggle of grappling with how the baby boy who she’d help in her arms not so long ago was now a full grown man who hardly needs a mother anymore. In some ways, having so many lost friends coming back with her is a comfort. At least she isn’t alone in that.

Yet on top of all that is having been dumped into this new world from the thick of the war. The expectations of peace pair ill with her extreme caution and jittery unease. So many expect her to be fine, when she’d not had any time to truly mourn all of those she lost—a list that is only longer now, with James, Sirius, and Peter all gone. (Peter, another subject she’s broken her heart on that people want her to be au fait with; she still cannot understand it.) Lily has only just begun to heal while so many around her are years, if not decades, ahead of her.

PERSONALITY:

As someone who is at her best when connected to people, Lily strives to ensure the comfort and happiness of all those around her. Her empathetic nature thrives off of that happiness, and she struggles to be comfortable and at peace when she knows others aren’t. That connection to other people can sometimes slip into dangerous territory when she starts defining herself by those relationships. It leaves her open to taking on their woes as her own, overburdening herself, as well as putting her in a position where being pushed away or having her help refused can deeply damage her sense of self-worth, depending on how close she is to a person.

Of course, having come of age in the middle of a war she has had to grapple with not being able to help or be there for everyone. It has worn Lily down, damaged the cheerfully optimistic outlook of her childhood, leaving her calloused, a bit jaded, and thoroughly exhausted with trying to be hopeful. She has had to become more careful with her inner self and what she gives away.

Her sense of closeness with someone is a large factor with Lily for the simple reason that there aren’t a huge number of people who she is really close with. While always a friendly, welcoming person, she has never had a great many actual friends; people she would confide in, lean on for support, turn to for the sort of help she so readily offers others. Thus the few she has are a big deal, and she clings to them, because she knows what it is to lose those precious few. As much as that steadfast loyalty is a defense against the outside world, it leaves her innerly vulnerable to the faults she overlooks in those loved ones. They slip past her judgment, and she will make excuses for them, justify their actions even against her own moral instinct, to a very far limit. That too is something the war has strained, with mere existence pushing her towards those limits, let alone having to grapple with the less savory parts of her friends.

It would be easy to think that Lily, by virtue of being ‘the pretty one’ in the family, was blessed with not having to concern herself with her appearance. In one way at least, that is true; she isn’t concerned with her hair or her face, doesn’t spend time fretting over the less than easy things to change. Yet she grew up in a bored factory town, where everyone knew everyone and appearances mattered within the strict hierarchy built around the factory company. What you wore, how you behaved: these things were taken as reflecting on the family as a whole. Don’t talk back to the child of your father’s superior, that will get you in trouble! Let the foreman’s wife take the last eggs at the grocery, lest your husband lose a shift at work.

That awareness of what other people think and perceive only sharpened for Lily at Hogwarts, under the constant scrutiny a Muggleborn endures. It took her a long time to be able to break free of trying to earn that approval of her peers by being the best, well behaved, friendly person she could be in the eyes of others. That approval, being well liked, keeping things genial and going smoothly is something she craved until she was forced to realize it simply isn’t feasible because of who she is, unless she wanted to sacrifice a large part of who she is. Lily had to grow up and let go of a lot of her insecurities, and build a defensive shield around the others, as a matter of survival.

With that awareness of perceptions and the judgments that come with it, it has to be said that Lily applies different standards to herself than she does other people. She values her actions, what she does, over what she says. Perhaps because she is aware of her flaw of not always thinking before speaking. Yet with others, she tries so hard to take them at their word, believe that shows their true intent over what actions they take. She wants to believe people, trust in them, adhere to her idea that people are good.

This is why, in part, she turned a blind eye to Severus Snape’s questionable actions for so long. He would explain himself, manage to make it sound not so bad, and Lily would discard her judgment because he didn’t mean to do bad, he told her as much! And she knew him, deep down.

Understandably, that instinct to take words at surface value has been scorched and damaged. She's wary, cautious of doing so, but oh, how she wishes she could once more. Instead, she has had to become more realistic in her estimations of people.

A desire to believe people innately tend towards goodness does not mean Lily is free of judgment. She can, and does, scrutinize people and weigh what they say and do and judge the goodness of that for herself. Her empathy doesn’t always extend to others that she sees as being in direct conflict to her morals and ideals and goals, and that leaves her open to dismiss people out of hand for those differences. Granted, a lot of that is tied to her ideals being forged in the fire of a life as a Muggleborn, of an existence of constantly being attacked. It leads to her stubbornly digging her heels in at a challenge, to get defensive rather than hear another side out when she’s already preemptively passed judgment based on what she thinks she sees.

One of the worst ways these critical evaluations can surface is in her deep rooted capacity for envy and jealousy. Regardless of whether it is because she believes she deserves the thing she is envious of or thinks herself unworthy of it, getting a handle on the streak of irrationality and pettiness that can erupt from her when faced with self-discontentment is something she struggles with. Partly because she would prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. Everything is justified, even in the depths of those irrationalities. Lily would never even think of herself as a jealous person.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

While the Evans may have fallen in the middle class of Cokeworth, that placed them only at the upper edge of poor in the larger scheme of society. A shift manager might be someone in the hierarchy of a small factory town, but meant very little outside of it. Lily grew up with that dichotomy of existence, always aware of that dual standing, of the expectations and visibility. It was something she deeply internalized and operates on her subtly, never so much a conscious influence, but powerful all the same.

The Evans were a warm, close, essentially good family. They were helpful to their neighbors, went to church, were charitable. They didn’t really think twice about Lily’s friendship with a boy from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’; it was only Petunia who worried about these things that would only be a source of concern for the parental Evans if the pair had been older. Of course, by then Lily and Severus were beyond the pale, wondrous others. In many ways, Jonathan and Fiona Evans stopped trying to parent their younger daughter once they knew she was a witch. How could they impose morals on their daughter who half-inhabited a world they knew nothing about, and were frankly in awe of? To be fair, they took a largely equal laissez-faire attitude towards their older daughter once she reached teenagedom as well. Thankfully they’d instilled a sturdy moral foundation and compass in their daughter, so she could largely self-regulate through their passive parenting.

HISTORY:

Despite Jonathan Evans' job as a shift manager at the factory Cokeworth was build around setting the Evans family solidly in the middle of the town's society, in truth they were bottom of middle class at best, the difference between the poor floor workers and the managers amplified a thousand times over by the small snobberies and strict social hierarchy of a small factory town. That didn't make the family any less of a happy one. Jonathan working long hours while Fiona stayed home to raise their two daughters. Petunia, the elder, was perpetually trailed by her shadow that took the form of her younger sister Lily, who adored and idolized her big sister. It wasn't a life without stresses, but they got by, even as work slowed, workers got laid off, tensions in the town rose, and strange things started happening around little Lily. It was the last thing that concerned the Evans' the most, unsure of what was happening and what it would mean for their daughter, scared of what would happen if others found out. Petunia, picking up on this in the way children do, no matter how oblivious their parents consider them, encouraged Lily to refrain from such strangeness, trying to suppress and hide all those odd things, like the garden blooming two months early or a tantrum causing cookie floating out of the jar to waiting hands.

The relief from those worries came from an odd place; a grubby little boy from the other, wrong side of town. Severus Snape opened up another world to Lily, one where what she did wasn't cause for concern or anxiety, but something that made her remarkable and special. As those bursts of uncontrolled, unwanted abnormality dwindled, only Petunia seemed to not be won over by him. Lily, though, adored him; he became not just her guide to that mystical other place, but her best friend, someone with whom she planned a thousand wonderful futures with.

None of those plans approached the tarnished reality she was soon present with. From day one, things were different than she'd thought they would be. While to her, being sorted into a different house from her best friend didn't seem something to be concerned over, it quickly became clear to her that plenty thought otherwise. Always eager to please, Lily threw herself into being the best she could, becoming someone pointed to as the model of an ideal Muggleborn. Yet nothing she did was ever enough for this world she had dreamt of for so long to accept her. Something had to give.

All those tension gave way on a sunny day after her final OWL. With one word, Lily realized the futility of her efforts. Her dearest friendship shattered, she was left hurt, lost, broken and unsure of herself.

In the subsequent year, because life must carry on, Lily re-evaluated and reflected on everything her life had been built upon. No longer allowing herself to be define by what others wanted her to be, Lily reconsidered so many of her hard held ideas. Old opinions shifted and new friendships formed—most notably and remarkably with James Potter, who she'd so long damned as nothing more than an arrogant prat.

Seventh year ended and instead of finding her life beginning, Lily ground to a standstill. Unable to find a job, for no one wanted the liability of hiring a Muggleborn, she followed James and their friends into the Order, despite, or perhaps because, of the small number of Muggleborns in their ranks. She could no longer run from the war that she had found herself in the middle of as a young girl.

Lily lost and won and mourned and celebrated; she lived more in a few short years than anyone should ever have to. In the midst of such unfettered living, accidents were bound to happen. Finding she was pregnant, Lily and James decided to get married; the only way to live, after all, was without hesitation for there might not be a tomorrow. All too soon, that fact was brought to bear on the young family. A threat against baby Harry forced them into hiding; an imperfect solution. Not even eighteen months old and Harry Potter was orphaned, Lily's life sacrificed for the son she loved more than anything in the world.

OOC EXPLORATION:

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? The concept of this game is one that has been near to my heart for a long, long time, and I’m very excited to bring it to the tumblr rp community!

ANYTHING ELSE? I’m not clever enough for pinterest boards or spotify playlists. That’s what blogs are for, and I’ve got a few with years worth of writing Lily on them. (Which is also why this app is so excessively long)

#lily potter #prioriannouncement #prioriacceptance #admin.emmy

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fullregalia · 4 years ago

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20/20.

This year, in hindsight, was a real write-off. I had grand plans for it, and while I ushered it in in a very low-key manner since I was recovering from the flu, I’d expected things to look up. Well, you know what they say about plans (RIP, my trip to Europe). I got very, very sick in early February, and I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t COVID. Since March, the days have been a carousel of monotony: coffee, run, work, cook, yoga, existential spiral, sleep. My Own Private Year of Rest and Relaxation, if you will. Of course, life has a way of breaking through regardless; I attended protests, completed my thesis, graduated from grad school, took a couple of road trips upstate, and celebrated the accomplishments and birthdays of friends and family from a safe social distance. It was all a bit of a blur, and not ideal circumstances to re-enter the real world, or whatever this COVID-present is.

Throughout it all, in lieu of happy hours, coffee dates, and panel discussions, I’ve turned even more to culture and cuisine to fill the the negative space on my calendar where my social life once resided. However, since a global pandemic ought not to disrupt every tradition, here’s my year-end round up of what made this terrible one slightly more tolerable.

After an ascetic fall semester abstaining from TV in 2019 (save for my beloved Succession), I allowed myself to watch more as the year wore on, and especially after graduation. I caught up on some cultural blind spots by finally getting around to The Sopranos, Ramy, Search Party, and Girlfriends. I wasn’t alone in bingeing Sopranos, it absolutely lived up to the hype and then some; this Jersey Girl can’t get enough gabagool-adjacent content, pizzeria culture is my culture!

Speaking of my culture, there was also a disproportionate amount of UK and European shows in my queue. Nothing like being in social isolation and watching the horny Irish teens in Normal People brood. I’m partial to it because I share a surname with the showrunner, so I have to embrace blind loyalty even though there was, in my opinion, a Marianne problem in the casting. Speaking of charming Irish characters with limited emotional vocabularies, I belatedly discovered This Way Up a 2019 show from Aisling Bea and Sharon Horgan. And while Connell and Marianne are actually exceptional students, I found the real normal people on GBBO to bring me a bit more joy. Baking was abundantly therapeutic for me this year, and watching charming people drink loads of tea and fret over soggy bottoms was a comfort. I also discovered the Great Pottery Throw Down, and as a lifelong ceramics enthusiast, I cannot recommend it highly enough if you care about things like slips, coils, and glazing techniques. GPTD embraces wabi sabi in a way that GBBO eschews flaws in favor of perfection, and in a time of uncertainty, the former reminded me why I miss getting my hands in the mud as a coping mechanism (hence all the baking). Speaking of coping mechanisms, like everybody else with two eyes and an HBO password, I loved Michaela Cole’s I May Destroy You; though we’ve all had enough distress this year for a lifetime, watching Cole’s Arabella process her assault and search for meaning, justice, and closure was a compelling portrait of grief and purpose in the aftermath of trauma. Arabella’s creative and patient friends Kwame and Terry steal the show throughout, as they deal with their own setbacks and emotional turmoil. Where I May Destroy You provides catharsis, Ted Lasso presents British eccentricity in all its stereotypical glory. At first I was skeptical of the show’s hype on Twitter, but once I gave in it charmed me, if only for Roy Kent’s emotional trajectory and extolling the restorative powers of shortbread. For a more accurate depiction of life in London, Steve McQueen’s series Small Axe provides a visually lush and politically clear-eyed depiction of the lives of British West Indians in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Lastly, how could I get through a recap of my year in tv if I don’t mention The Crown. Normal People may have needed an intimacy coordinator, but the number of Barbours at Balmoral was the real phonographic content for me.

Turning my attention across the Channel, after the trainwreck that was Emily in Paris, I started watching a proper French show, Call My Agent! It’s truly delightful, and unlike the binge-worthy format of "ambient shows” I have been really relishing taking an hour each week to watch CMA, subtitles, cigarettes, and all.

Honorable mention: The Last Dance for its in-depth look at many notable former Chicago residents; High Fidelity for reminding me of the years in college when my brother and I would drive around listening to Beta Band; and Big Mouth.

Music

My Spotify wrapped this year was a bit odd. I don‘t think “Chromatica II into 911″ is technically a song, so it revealed other things about my listening habits this year, which turned out to remain very much stuck in the last, sonically. I listened to a lot more podcasts than new music this year, but there were some records that found their way into heavy rotation. While I listened to a lot of classics both old and new to write my thesis (Paul Simon, Leonard Cohen, Prokofiev, and Bach) the soundtrack to my coursework, runs, walks, and editing was more contemporary. Standouts include:

Saint Cloud by Waxahatchee, which makes me feel like I’m breathing fresh air even when I’m stuck inside all day

La Bella Vita by Niia, which was there for me when I walked past my ex on 7th avenue (twice!) and he pretended that I didn’t exist

Fetch the Bolt Cutters by THEE Fiona Apple, because Fiona, our social distancing queen, has always been my Talmud, her songs shimmering, evolving, and living with me every year

Shore by Fleet Foxes, for the long drive to the Catskills

Women in Music, Pt. III by HAIM, because these days, these days...

Musicians have been reckoning with tumult this year as much as the rest of us, and the industry has dealt with loss on all fronts. I’d be remiss not to talk about how the passing of John Prine brought his music into my life, and McCoy Tyner, who has been a companion through good and bad over the years.

Honorable mention to: græ by Moses Sumney; The Main Thing by Real Estate; on the tender spot of every calloused moment by Ambrose Akinmusire; Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers; folklore by you know who; and songs by Adrianne Lenker.

Reading

What would this overlong blob be without a list of the best things I read this year? While I left publishing temporarily, books, the news, and newsletters still took up a majority of my attention (duh and/or doomscrolling by any other name). I can’t be comprehensive, and frankly, there are already great roundups of the best longform this year out there, so this is mostly books and praising random writers.

Last year I wrote about peak newsletter. Apparently, my prediction was a bit premature as this year saw an even bigger Substack Boom. But two new newsletters in particular have delighted me: Aminatou Sow’s Crème de la Crème and Hunter Harris’ Hung Up (her ”this one line” series is true force of chaotic good on Blue Ivy’s internet). Relatedly, Sow and Ann Friedman’s Big Friendship was gifted to me by a dear friend and another bff and I are going to read it in tandem next week.

On the “Barack Obama published a 700+ page memoir, crippling the printing industry’s supply chains” front, grad school severely hamstrung my ability to read for pleasure, but I managed to get through almost 30 books this year, some old (Master and Margarita), most new-ish (Say Nothing, Nickel Boys). Four 2020 books in particular enthralled me:

Uncanny Valley: Anna Wiener’s memoir has been buzzed about since n+1 published her essay of the same name in 2016. Her ability to see, clear-eyed, the industry for both its foibles and allure captured that era when the excess and solipsism of the Valley seemed more of a cultural quirk than the harbinger of societal schism.

Transcendent Kingdom: Yaa Gyasi’s novel about faith, family, loss, and--naturally--grad school was deeply empathetic, relatable, and moving. I think this was my favorite book of the year. Following the life of a Ghanaian family that settles in Alabama, it captured the kind of emotional ennui that comes from having one foot in the belief of childhood and one foot in the bewilderment that comes from losing faith in the aftermath of tragedy.

Vanishing Half: Similarly to Transcendent Kingdom, Brit Bennett’s novel about siblings who are separated; it’s also about the ways that colorism can be internalized and the ways chosen family can (and cannot) replace your real kin. It was a compassionate story that captured the pain of abuse and abandonment in two pages in a way that Hanya Yanagihara couldn’t do in 720.

Dessert Person: Ok, so this is a cookbook, but it’s a good read, and the recipes are approachable and delicious. After all the BA Test Kitchen chaos this summer, it’s nice we didn’t have to cancel Claire. Make the thrice baked rye cookies!!!! You will thank me later.

Honorable mention goes to: Leave The World Behind for hitting the Severance/Station Eleven dystopian apocalypse novel sweet spot; Exciting Times for reminding me why I liked Sally Rooney; and Summer by Ali Smith, which wasn’t the strongest of the seasonal quartet, but was a series I enjoyed for two years.

Podcasts

I’m saving my most enthusiastic section for last: ever since 2018, I’ve been listening to an embarrassing amount of podcasts. Moving into a studio apartment will do that to you, as will grad school, add a pandemic to that equation and there’s a lot of time to fill with what has sort of become white noise to me (or, in one case, nice white parents noise). In addition to the shows that I’ve written about before (Still Processing, Popcast, Who? Weekly, and Why is This Happening?), these are the shows I started listening to this year that fueled my parasocial fire:

You’re Wrong About: If you like history, hate patriarchy, and are a millennial, you’ll love Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes’ deep dives into the most notable stories of the past few decades (think Enron and Princess Diana) and also some other cultural flashpoints that briefly but memorably shaped the national discourse (think Terri Schiavo, Elian González, and the Duke Lacrosse rape case).

Home Cooking: This mini series started (and ended) during the pandemic. As someone who stress baked her way through the past nine months, Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway’s show is filled with warmth, banter, and useful advice. Home Cooking has been a reassuring companion in the kitchen, and even though it will be a time capsule once we’re all vaccinated and close talking again, it’s still worth a listen for tips and inspiration while we’re hunkered down for the time being.

How Long Gone: I don’t really know how to explain this other than saying that media twitter broke my brain and enjoying Chris Black and Jason Stewart’s ridiculous banter is the price I pay for it.

Blank Check: Blank Check is like the GBBO of podcasts--Griffin Newman and David Sims’ enthusiasm for and encyclopedic knowledge of film, combined with their hilarious guests and inevitable cultural tangents is always a welcome distraction. Exploring a different film from a director’s oeuvre each week over the course of months, the podcast delves into careers and creative decisions with the passion of completists who want to honor the filmmaking process even when the finished products end up falling short. The Nancy Meyers and Norah Ephron series were favorites because I’d seen most of the movies, but I also have been enjoying the Robert Zemeckis episodes they’re doing right now. The possibility of Soderbergh comes up often (The Big Picture just did a nice episode about/with him), and I’d love to hear them talk about his movies or Spike Lee (or, obviously, Martin Scorsese).

Odds & Ends

If you’re still reading this, you’re a real one, so let’s get into the fun stuff. This was a horrible way to start a new decade, but at least we ended our long national nightmare. We got an excellent dumb twitter meme. I obviously made banana bread, got into home made nut butters, and baked an obscene amount of granola as I try to manifest a future where I own a Subaru Outback. Amanda Mull answered every question I had about Why [Insert Quarantine Trend] Happens. My brother started an organization that is working to eliminate food insecurity in LA. Discovering the Down Dog app allowed me to stay moderately sane, despite busting both of my knees in separate stupid falls on the criminally messed up sidewalks and streets of Philadelphia. I can’t stop burning these candles. Jim Carrey confused us all. We have a Jewish Second Gentleman! Grub Street Diets continued to spark joy. Dolly Parton remains America’s Sweetheart (and possible vaccine savior). And, last, but certainly not least: no one still knows how to pronounce X Æ A-12 Boucher-Musk.

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vidavalor · 4 years ago

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Can we talk about how Sam is as useless at this as Bucky is, really, and it’s massively sweet?

Yeah, I’m writing about Sam because we all love us some brainwashed, century-old assassin endless array of hurt/comfort here but this idea that Sam, because he’s a therapist and not always a crying, nightmare-sweat-drenched mess, is Captain Got It All Together is not truth... because this poor broken-hearted kitten absolutely does not and it makes him so much more of a better-realized, fuller character...

I’m not trying to wade any ship wars here or any fandom strife over the Bucky slant to fic/sometimes erasure of Sam here... I love both of these characters equally and ship them but my point here is that I think that because Bucky’s trauma is more well-documented and, for lack of a better word, “flashier”, that some people might think Sam looks perfectly well-adjusted. By comparison, he probably is but this other, quieter story happening with Sam is necessary reading here if you’ve been sleeping on the complexities of one Sam Wilson that aren’t the ones the show is focusing on more explicitly relating to his lived experience as a Black man in America. (They’re not completely separate either but not only this part of his life.) What do I mean, exactly?

Been wondering how these two are falling in love but can mainly just get it from Bucky’s POV because Sam is awesome and Bucky is sad and need love? Not sure what Sam is getting out of his relationship with Bucky? Not totally sure you ship it but leaning that way? Yeah, pull up a seat because this thing I wrote after Ep 5 here (so spoilers through that) is basically an old-school ship manifesto at this point but comes at SamBucky/WinterFalcon from Sam’s side, rather than Bucky’s. (I have nothing *against* Bucky. I just think you’re missing half the goodness of this show and half the surprisingly tender romance of all of this if you are not focusing on Sam as much as Bucky.) If this interests you, then read on, being forewarned that it’s a little long...

So... Sam Wilson is a sweet, kind, warm-hearted, empathetic, drop-dead gorgeous superhero soldier flying military veteran therapist... whom the canon suggests is Bucky Barnes-level obsessed with his dead former partner (in some sense of the word), Riley. You thought it was just Bucky with the angsty past love? Oh no... oh, no no no....

Consider that Sam’s been back in Delacroix twice now in TFATWS and not once has his sister-- who adores him and who knows everyone in town-- suggested that she call up any one of the at least ten decent single people she has to know who live in the area to take her f*cking *dreamboat* of a brother out. Forget the show putting Sam in like twelve pieces of canon and not throwing a single human (not named Bucky) at him and what that implies-- we all know that Sarah wouldn’t care what kind of human her brother was attracted to and yet she and the entire community of Delacroix can’t seem to find this guy a date. He’s sweet and hot and an Avenger but our Sam’s a monk, you guys... More to the point... they don’t even try. They know better than to try anymore... which says a lot.

Going back awhile now, when Sam met Steve, he was still this equally dreamy and he didn’t even have any Avengers-related problems getting in the way of his potential dating life. He had a normal job working for the VA in DC. Yet, he clearly was seeing exactly no one and while I am willing to admit that pretty much any human would drop everything and follow Steve Rogers around the world, it’s clear that Sam wasn’t seeing anyone at the time because his life was able to be dropped in a second and he also had that file with Riley’s photo at the ready, man. At. the. ready...

He responded to the opportunity to follow Steve with no less need when it came to his own post-trauma-of-war identity as Bucky does. This isn’t to say that Sam is *as* lost as Bucky because it would be hard to out-do the once-brainwashed assassin who has been alive for a hundred years but Sam saw all sorts of hell. He’s a therapist for veterans because he’s had to get beyond *his own* PTSD and he’s really aware of how that is a journey that doesn’t exactly ever end. It gets significantly better and he knows how well it can-- that’s why he can tell Bucky that there is hope of that-- but it is very clear that Sam Wilson is still suffering his own kind of PTSD and his own grief for the death of a guy who likely couldn’t love him the way he needed him to.

I know we don’t know a ton about exactly what Sam and Riley were but I think there is enough to infer that they probably actually weren’t a couple. For one thing, Sarah never mentions him and even if the show wanted to be vague about things, they could phrase it like “it’s been forever since you brought back someone to the house, haven’t met any of them since Riley” or something. There are ways to infer that they were a thing and the nature of it, if the show wanted to do that but all they have suggested so far is that Sam was in love with Riley. We know he and Riley were friends and worked on the Falcon suit project together but what we are getting out of what they are giving to us is that Sam loved him but it’s not clear that they were even a couple. I’d even say the picture of them that he shows Steve and Natasha is supposed to evoke that they weren’t a couple-- it’s of Sam looking at Riley, smiling like he’s the moon and the stars, while Riley is smiling but just a bit and he’s looking at the camera, not at Sam.

In other words, remember Miller’s analogies from school? Sam is to Riley as Bucky is to Steve. I just offended every person reading this who thinks that Steve and Bucky weren’t an unrequited thing *ducks* but I feel like we’re supposed to take from what they give us that Sam knows a little something about being mad for a guy who thinks you are his best buddy but doesn’t look at you in a romantic or sexual way and you feel like you’re dying over it. Sam gets Bucky because Sam *is* Bucky when it comes to this.

If Sam and Riley were just the best of friends, Sam still would have mourned him greatly but it would not necessarily have impacted his love life the way it seems like it might have. I’m not necessarily saying there was no one but this is a man who even when it felt like Steve Rogers-- whom Sam obviously found attractive-- seemed like he was making Sam question whether or not he was coming onto him or just super-nice and making a new fellow veteran friend... even when that was happening, Sam’s response was that he didn’t hate it or anything and he was willing to help Steve with what he needed in this friendly, advice-giving sort of way and maybe they had a thing, who knows, but it was clear that Sam-- a guy who has to be hit on *all the time*-- wasn’t really used to the idea of there being someone in his life. So, he wasn’t letting anyone into his life. He would have had the chance, no doubt. He was choosing not to. Why would you choose not to? If you were grieving the loss of a man you couldn’t get over and you thought that you weren’t ever going to love anyone like that and maybe having someone wasn’t going to happen for you.

Like, imagine Sam’s surprise when The Winter Soldier turns up, nearly kills them all, disappears and they go on the run and he starts hearing Steve’s confessional stories about the guy who was his best friend and in love with him and Steve has literally never said those words aloud because they’re from the *1940s* and he’s felt guilty all this time for hurting him. Steve’s the kind of guy who would feel guilty for not being in love with someone who was in love with him. That’s when Sam, who thought he had more in common with Steve, realizes he’s actually *Bucky Barnes* in this story. He’s the damn Winter Soldier in the Steve-and-Bucky version of him and Riley.

That is how Bucky evolves from “the kind of guy you have to stop” in Sam’s mind to the guy he’s hanging out with in every fight and snarking over the car seats with. He’s like yeesh, I thought I had a few years of this ungodly pain and that was bad... this poor bastard’s been in love with a Riley who could and probably will live until he’s a hundred and thirty. Sam starts getting into this whole antagonist origin story of The Winter Soldier here because he realizes that one wrong move-- one case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time-- and he could have been captured during the war he was in. He could have been tortured like that, so easily, and he knows what it’s like to be tortured by love in that way.

Bucky, for his part, when he begins to get his mind back and more fully remember Steve and his past, takes one look at Sam and is thinking like... that poor SOB... oh, look, it’s 21st Century Me. So, you fell for Steve Rogers, huh? Welcome to the club. We meet every Tuesday at two to discuss being the pining best friend in love with a guy who, in all likelihood, is attracted to both of us but unless Tony Stark can shake loose a bit of the freak in The Star-Spangled Man With a Plan, we’re not getting anything but a most earnest and sincere friendship out of this (and if Stark can’t, no one can....)

Like, Bucky’s Steve love is pretty pure. He wants him to be happy. He’s hurt that Steve doesn’t love him the way he loves Steve but he does love him as his best friend as well and wants him to have what he wants out of life. If that’s going back in time to Peggy Carter (who wouldn’t, really?) and leaving him behind then, fine. He wishes he were still here but he’ll deal but he’s going to be keeping an eye out for the other guy left behind-- Steve’s new modern era best friend person. Bucky’s so gone over keeping Steve safe that he can’t even resent Sam’s presence-- he’s thrilled he exists. Someone good to look after Steve when Bucky couldn’t! Sam Wilson is heaven sent and must be protected at all costs! So frequently from some kid with webbed fingers, apparently!

Sam, meanwhile, is challenged by the dilemma that Bucky appears to think that they’re in the same boat while Sam, who for sure had a little crush on Steve as who doesn’t, has really come to realize that he is far, far more into the tragic one here. He’s so irritated about it. It would be simpler if he just fell for another blond soldier with red, white and blue blood who couldn’t love him. At least he’d just be completely hopeless then but the brainwashed one? The one that thinks he’s horrid but is so good that he can’t even bring himself to be that jealous of Sam when he clearly thinks Sam is sleeping with the guy he’s loved for years?

Oh, Sam’s gone on that one...

Bucky’s still a mess then so it’s harmless enough to just pretend he’s not writing himself into touch-starved Bucky fanfic in his own mind here but when Bucky keeps saving him in different fights? When he catches him looking once or twice. When the bickering is really flirting and Sam knows he means it that way, too? When the poor guy just gets his mind back, they all reunite and go to one battle and then the two of them disappear and miss *five years* of their lives? When then, soon after, Steve is gone, too?

When it begins to feel like *they* are now the story and meant to go through the rest of these things together? I mean, when everyone else is all on about the fate and destiny of it all-- Stark’s big sacrifice being the one way to save everyone, Doctor Strange going on about all the possibilities of the universe on a saving the world level but it so personal to the people Sam and Bucky know, Steve choosing to go back in time because he can and be with the woman he loved and never got to have...

...standing there in the funerals and aftermaths of all of this together, by virtue of being Steve’s Friends Who Aren’t Really Part of This Gang Exactly... are Sam and Bucky. What are the odds that they are supposed to be the rest of one another’s story? Sam was wondering it. He for sure hadn’t felt like this since Riley... he might not have really ever felt it at all before.

Can we just admit that while there’s been some guys in the past-- and it could be rephrased as ‘some people’, as while Sam is written to suggest he’s at least into men, he could be into people who don’t identify as men as well-- but there’s not been someone who has been able to love him the way he’s loved them.

He’s from the South and Black and the show taps into the racism he’s been through as a result. Not obviously in Delacroix, where he feels safe and seen, where people care about him and don’t care that he is not straight, but in other parts. He’s been in the military, where homophobia is still pretty rampant and it’s a culture of a lot of heterosexual machismo. (Hell, the show even has a kind of walking, talking example of a guy everyone knows was the epitome of that kind of culture, even if he’s been broken by that world, too-- John Walker.) It’s not even really clear if Sam is out and, if he is, to whom. He seems to be the kind of person to want to be himself as much as possible and Sarah likely knows because they are close but I’m not so sure that a lot of Sam’s military buddies actually did. He really strikes me as the guy who gets along with everybody and whom everybody loves-- but whom few people actually *know* because he keeps himself (all of himself, not just his sexuality) private from others...

...which is also a hell of a lot like one Bucky Barnes.

Guaranteed they became such fast friends not just from being sort of left with one another in the aftermath of Steve and their attraction but because Sam was amazed to find that Bucky was actually pretty funny and Sam just kept talking to him because while he has-- or had, anyways, before he ran off with Steve-- a ton of people he’d consider friends, he doesn’t really have anyone he’d consider to be a close friend and hasn’t since Riley. Bucky, just still stunned to be free of mind control and that there was another human being talking to him instead of looking at him as a weapon to program to kill, was eager to listen to and absolutely thrilled when he could find something sarcastic to say to make Sam laugh that surprised laugh and light up.

These two damaged couple of guys spent most of this show and the months before it just terrified by how much love they were feeling for one another and were very happy to let any conflict they could get in the way of it-- any excuse to claim they weren’t feeling totally seen and run for the hills back into their own trauma.

It’s not just Bucky doing this. He might have been the one not returning the texts at the start, the one who seemed to be withdrawing more, while Sam was texting him still to check in on him but how quickly that began to flip around by Episode 5.

Suddenly, the brave one is Bucky. It was Sam for the first few episodes-- he was stil trying and so hard, despite not getting what he needed in return and Bucky still sending signals that he wanted him but was happy to still revel in being too damaged and scared to try harder. By Episode 5, though? Bucky’s not only learned to trust himself again, it is proven to be what he was afraid of: not being able to protect and love Sam the way he wanted to and that Sam would leave him. Triggered by the shield as a metaphor for not caring about Bucky, not having a reason to still pursue him, Bucky thought he had successfully pushed Sam away and that Sam would really stop texting because to not do so would be to admit to one another that they wanted to be around one another and this wasn’t just about Steve/Captain America. By Episode 5, Bucky shows up in Delacroix not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but with eyes only for Sam and is every one of Sam’s favorite Bucky Barnes fantasies come to life.

It’s now Sam flipping out. Would you have expected the Sam of the first two episodes to be a babbling mess in the face of a flirty Bucky stretching and claiming it’s time for him to go get a hotel room? To try to be playing it cool but winding up asking him to stay forever and telling him he likes his tight t-shirts in the middle there? To get so nervous that he suddenly is babbling about six toes and flirting with Sarah, showing how jealous he was of Bucky just... smiling and being this guy Steve had said was under there but that Sam had only had small glimpses of so far? If he was gone for the broken Winter Soldier... he’s wrecked by a single smile from this Bucky.

This is the same guy who spent the first few episodes confident to a point of near-cockiness, loving flirting with and teasing Bucky, the one that seemed more well-adjusted and in control of himself. Overall, he is but there’s something there when Bucky shows up and White Wolfs Sam into a sputtering mess who is sending him little glances, as if they’ve switched bodies from the first few episodes. It shows *just how much* Sam is comfortable with Bucky and how rare it is for him because he would react differently to Bucky’s more overt flirting of Episode 5 if how he is with Bucky was his default in life. Instead, we see that some of it is posturing-- it’s the Sam equivalent of lifting heavy things and using power tools. His is the humor (what’s a better aphrodisiac than making the Winter Soldier laugh or flirt back or blush?) and the bicker-caring. We even see where it comes from, in a way. Sam is a soldier-- he knows how to help other traumatized soldiers and when we saw him in his VA group session when we met him, we saw him using that kind of machismo world and its language to communicate with the soldiers in the group. The difference for him with them versus him with Bucky is that he’s also flirting with Bucky. The buddy cop thing is intentional-- it’s Sam’s strategy, it’s been Bucky’s choice to respond to it and they’re playacting it as how they talk because it’s been easier than admitting that they are completely gone on another and just want all the soft things.

Up until recently anyway and now Sam’s reeling from a man he’s fallen in love with showing up and loving him back. Don’t think for a second that Bucky doesn’t know enough by now to know that it’d totally undo Sam but the surprise of it to the audience only really exists if you don’t think Sam and Bucky have anything in common besides their now-gone mutual friend. In reality, they’re endgame.

#tfatws #sam wilson #sambucky #bucky barnes #thefalconandthewintersoldier #marvel #bucky #buckysam #winterfalcon

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illfoandillfie · 4 years ago

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going under a cut because its long lmao

tarot cards: Queen of Cups, 3 of swords, king of pentacles, knight of wands, 2 of wands, 10 of wands, king of pentacles, the world

okay, before i jump into these cards i just wanted to note that while i was shuffling i had a few cards sort of flip over or like stick out at the wrong angle and i definitely saw the 9 of swords and 8 of swords which both speak to the hopeless/stuck feelings you’ve been having. but neither card fell out or was drawn they just sort of showed themselves to me which means that these feelings aren’t likely to stick around. It’s definitely tied more to your current energy than your future energy.

While i was drawing these cards I was asking about what’s coming in your near future so I was thinking the next few months but timing can be hard to place so if things don’t happen immediately, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t mean they never will.

So, now to the actual cards. First up the queen of cups and the 2 of wands. I think this is a call for compassion and kindness, probably towards yourself. The two of wands is about a desire for the unknown. Making plans, deliberating, hesitating. And the queen of cups is calm and comforting and compassionate. Together these are a reminder to not beat yourself up for what is out of your control. Sometimes circumstances keep us from getting what we really want. Sometimes it’s our own fears or uncertainty but sometimes it’s to do with family or work or the state of the world. But, sometimes the delay can be a blessing. It’s a good time to reflect on what you want and plan for how you can bring it about. The queen of cups can be read as a visionary. She is wise and devoted and is tied to dreams becoming reality. If things don’t seem to be progressing, use this time to take care of yourself and get in touch with your own needs and desires. Figure out what you’re looking for so that you recognise it when you see it.

Next up is the 3 of swords and the 10 of wands. Admittedly, neither of these are especially happy cards. The 3 of swords in particular is tied to heartache and suffering, disruptive forces, and absence. You feel as if something is missing and its weighing on you. Similarly the 10 of wands is symbolic of burdens and suffering but it’s a hopeful card. It’s also about success, though it might come at a cost, and accomplishment. This is a promise that things will turn around for you within the near future, that they’ll get better. It won’t be easy, sometimes it will be a great struggle as if you’re carrying more than you should be, but there is success at the end of it.

Because next up we have double king of pentacles. I gasped when the second king came out because it doesn’t happen very often and I remember the king of pentacles came up in your previous readings. As I’m sure I have said before, the king of pents signifies abundance, prosperity and security but i won’t go too deep into what qualities he’s tied too since i’ve said it before. What I will talk about is why he’s appeared twice in the same column. So, if we look at your cards so far, we have a mix of hurt and hope. And i think thats why the king of pents is in there twice. Because his absence is part of the hurt right now but his potential arrival is part of the hope. He represents both what is missing and what you’re trying to find. But, hopefully his showing up here is a sign that he could approach soon. Like I said in our chat, it’s not guaranteed and you need to put in effort to meet him or, if you think you know who it is, to connect with him, but I do think his appearance here twice is a good sign.

And finally, the knight of wands and the world. The knight of wands is about action and adventure and energy. He’s on the move, he’s confident and excited and fearless. And the world is about fulfilment and harmony and completion. It’s assured success. It might come after a long journey but it will come. Interestingly the knight of wands is also linked to travel and departure and altered plans. He can represent absence as well as distance so again we have that duality of hurt and hope. This may be a sign that the king of pents was meant to come towards you sooner but circumstances changed and he’s had to change course. It could also be a message for you to try to overcome whatever limits you are placing on yourself to manifest this relationship. At a very basic level or could also just indicate that the king of pents, whoever his is, is linked to travel somehow - maybe he travels for work or he just likes taking trips or maybe you’ll meet him while commuting somewhere. Either way, stay open to the possibility of meeting him. Stay hopeful that it will work out. Because, as scary or hard as that 3 of swords may feel, there is a lot to be hopeful about in here.

a couple of other things i want to point out:

We start with the queen of cups and the last card of that row is the knight of wands. their energies are very different. the queen is soft and tender and empathetic. She’s calm and soothing and still. the knight is bold and courageous and ambitious. he’s about movement and taking chances because he feels bulletproof. this could be a message about what you can do to help manifest your king. Take action, put yourself out there, don’t be afraid to cut loose and show your passionate side. (Or, because its hard not to be afraid, fake it until you make it. act confident until confidence is second nature.)

Then, the second row. It starts with the 2 of wands which is a card that usually depicts a man holding a globe to signify his desires. And then we end with The World. If that’s not a hopeful message then i don’t know what is.

okay, onto your oracles.

I started with a crystal spirit and you got number 6 - Aqua Aura Quartz. It represents: Connecting to infinite potential, a renewed sense of purpose, wonder, and awe. I don’t always quote directly from the guidebook but theres a little second in there that i feel really fits with your situation so i’m gonna quote it. It says: There are eight billion people on this planet, yet soul mates somehow find each other, friends and lovers show up in the most unexpected places, and love makes itself known just as you are beginning to doubt that is is out there for you. Aqua Aura Quartz Spirit’s message to you today is to become childlike with wonder. Believe in magic. Believe in the power of love to find its way to you no matter how dark the house, for love is everywhere and you have not been forgotten. As an aside, if you’re into numerology the number 6 may hold significance for you - it could be related to your life path number or it could be an important date (6th of feb/march? something in june?).

After that I pulled a Moonology card and you got Full Moon in Scorpio - It’s time to release negativity. This is definitely a sign to try and shake off the hopelessness you’ve been feeling. I know that’s probably easier said than done but it would be worth it to try.

While we’re on the subject of the moon and astrology, I got 2 Arcana of Astrology cards the Waxing Crescent Moon and the Ninth House. The waxing crescent represents growth and initiative. Growth comes in two phases. firstly, the obstacles which are negative patters from the past and secondly, the actions which are changes made to move forward. This card indicates that now is a good time to focus on that second part of growth. Focus your energy towards what you want to accomplish rather than what has happened in the past. Then the ninth house which is the realm of philosophy. It’s about knowledge and truth and the desire for understanding. This card is letting you know that now is the right time to look outside your comfort zone and explore new ideas or opportunities. Interestingly the ninth house in astrology can also involve travel and exploration which definitely ties in into some of your tarot cards.

Next we have a Dragon Path card - number 8, Magic and Manifestation. These dragons are here to help you turn your dreams into reality. Because you pulled this card I also pulled you some cards from my Making Magic deck. Originally I just wanted 1 but 3 popped out at once so I took them all. These cards all depict a sigil or symbol that can be used in spellwork or that you can focus on to help manifest what you want. They are: Love Charm - Attract a lover, soul mate or life partner / Triple Spiral - Listening to divine wisdom and joyfully learning life’s lessons. / Goddess - Healing feminine energy. Obviously love charm is a good fit but I think the others are as well. A lot of these cards have related to healing and moving forward and then the triple spiral really seemed to fit in with the knowledge thing in the ninth house and potentially with the visionary aspect of the queen of cups.

Tarot: 3 of cups, 3 of swords, 3 of wands, queen of pentacles, ace of swords, 4 of pentacles, 6 of cups, 2 of cups.

Okay. so onto the second part of the reading. With these cards I was trying to focus on getting more info about you person, the king of pents, the soul mate, whatever you want to call them.

So right off the bat I have to point out the 3 different 3s. I can assure you these cards were well shuffled and it wasn’t like they all came out in a clump together, it was one and then some shuffling and then the next and then shuffling and then the third one. I was very surprised to have so many 3s come out together. The 3s represent sociability and group communications as well as coming change. The only one that isn’t there is the 3 of pentacles which is usually related to group work - people collaborating and working together.

So lets start with that 3 of cups. This card is about friendship and community and happiness. Often it depicts a group of women drinking and dancing together so it’s very much about gatherings and parties and social settings but at a deeper level its about knowing someone has your back, that you’ve got people you can trust to help you. It’s being clarified by the ace of wands (these are Friends themed playing cards and each has the name of an episode on them so i’ll include those, in case they hold significance - perhaps one of the storylines will be relevant. The ace of swords is The One Where Rachel Finds Out). The ace of swords is about breakthroughs, clarity, the truth, and having a sharp mind. It may be that someone you know will help you clarify the situation or that a breakthrough will occur at a party or other social event. This could also be saying that, when you eventually meet this person, they will become a valued friend, someone who you can trust, someone you can turn to.

Then we have that pesky 3 of swords card again, same as in the previous part of the reading. All that heartache and pain again. This time it’s with the 4 of pentacles (The One With All The Wedding Dresses) which is about holding what you have close. In worst case scenarios the 4 of pents can reference hoarding or holding onto something for fear of losing it but at it’s highest vibration it’s about protecting what is yours. Together this could be a message of “no pain no gain”. Without going through the grief of the 3 of swords you can’t appreciate the security or conservation of the 4 of pents. This could also be a sign or warning for you or your person about not letting pain of the past manifest in overly clingy or needy displays once you are together. On the other hand it could be about turning past hurts and present worries into affection and care. In relation to your person, these cards may symbolise that they’re financially stable or prone to being careful with money. Perhaps they have been through patches of having little to live off so are careful with how they spend what they now have.

Then we have the 3 of wands and 6 of cups. The 3 of wands is related to growth and expansion and looking ahead. It’s about preparation, getting ready for something. The 6 of cups (The One With The Proposal) id related to familiarity, happy memories and healing. Often this card comes up in relation to past life connections (if you’re into that) or people you’ve previously met. There’s momentum here. The 3 of wands suggests you’re getting ready for them, looking ahead to when you may meet and the 6 of cups suggests moving on from past pain or trauma that’s been holding you back. In relation to your person these cards suggest there could be an element of familiarity between you - perhaps you met once a few years ago or you’ve heard about them from a friend and feel as if you have an idea of them already. The 3 of wands also has a connection to travel so, again, it might be that they travel a lot or have travelled in the past or they’re someone who enjoys visiting new places and seeing new things. It could also be that they’re a joyful sort of person, perhaps a bit silly or jokey.

And then we have the Queen of Pentcles and the 2 of cups. I think it was in one of your previous readings that you came up as the queen of pents. Certainly, if this person is the king of pents it makes sense for the queen to be you. And especially with the 2 of cups (The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend) clarifying it. As I’ve said before the 2 of cups is about connection and partnership and unity. It’s pretty much the ideal soul mate card. So, that’s a pretty great note to end this part of the reading on.

And lastly, the oracles. I didn’t intend to pull quite so many but this is what came out so this is what we’re going with.

First up here’s what the 3 heart shaped cards have to say: When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no right or wrong. Every choice you make expands your understanding of life and love. / Time - You are trying too hard. Give it time. / Embrace - Through each other you find the missing pieces. So there’s definitely a sense of slowing down, not rushing or trying to force something that isn’t there. But there’s also reassurance that this connection is reachable and will be deep and what you’re looking for. Soul Mate, Twin Flame, that kind of thing.

Then we have 3 romance angels: Make The Effort - Great love is worth taking the steps you’re guided to take. / Let Your Friends Help You - Ask for and accept support from others. / Forgiving And Learning - As you release and heal the past, you experience more love in your present moments. Interestingly while the previous cards were saying to give things time, these ones seem to suggest making active moves to make it happen. I think there’s a balance required. One that you will intuitively be able to work out. Somewhere between sitting at home and waiting for him to magically appear, and going out with every guy in your town or city. If you meet someone or know someone you think could be the right person, take whatever steps you feel are right. I also think the Let Your Friends Help card is important considering how many 3s we got in the tarot cards. It may be that this connection is possible through a friend or family member who can set you up or will help you approach them. And the last one has that same healing energy we’ve seen a few times in this reading.

You also got 2 Spellcasting oracles. Happiness and Manifestation. Both of these make sense really. They both indicate a positive outlook and happy outcomes. Manifestation can also be about patience as it’s not an instantaneous thing which ties into that Time heart card.

And finally I got 2 Destiny cards as well - Boldness and Compassion. These could be traits that your person will show but interestingly they can be linked to the knight of wands and queen of cups from the beginning of the reading.

#card readings

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metalchickaf19 · 5 years ago

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The Bowers Gang: Ship #20 - Belch Huggins

Request: Hello! I would like to request a ship with the Bowers gang. I am an Asian girl who is around 5′3-’4 with a chubbier figure. I have an undercut with short black hair and side bangs. I am very insecure with my physical and mental traits but admire my empathetic and understanding personality. I enjoy helping ppl to the best of my ability and can think relatively well in high stress situations. I seem shy and emotionless at first but I act very weirdly and joke around a lot with ppl I’m close with.

Patrick is obsessed with your undercut

Like... to a semi-frightening extent.

Primarily because you were the first person in Derry ever to present with that hairstyle, and Hockstetter is just a sucker for “new”

He now runs a hand over the shaved part of your head at least twice a day (just for the hell of it), and I can absolutely see that situation going farther than it should; good luck.

Belch introduces you to some of the most body-positive situations in your life, and I’m honestly loving every bit of it

Often tries to get you to do things that you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t because of your weight

Skinny-dipping, risque photo-shoots, dancing like crazy in front of people?

The day you started dating Belch was the day those activities became a giant YES

... And you know what the best part of it all is?

The best part is, Huggins is always willing to embarrass himself to make you more comfortable (got naked first and belly-flopped into the quarry the first time you skinny-dipped, went out to the middle of the dance floor and started busting moves hardcore the first time you ever danced together, etc.)

Long story short, your relationship can be described in three words: 1.) freeing, and 2.) fUckINg adorable

* Pure, almost tear-inducing side-note *

Although you and Victor had always been “okay” with one another (i.e. didn’t know each other well, but didn’t mind each other either), you became great friends after accidentally running into each other at a soup kitchen

...Yes, a soup kitchen.

You were both volunteering that day (one of the only uplifting things to do in Derry), and just happened to be assigned to the same place for the afternoon

Cue one slightly awkward silence, followed by a timid Victor Criss smile, followed by a timid Victor Criss wave, followed by the beginning of a new and beautiful friendship

Being that you and Victor both have a thing for helping people, you connected easily, and now volunteer together almost every week (though it’s obviously a secret on Victor’s part)

Yup - soup kitchen, animal shelter, or otherwise, you and Criss can be found being yourselves, having fun, and doing some good for a change every Wednesday between 3 and 6 p.m.

There’s been much talk between you two about inviting Huggins along for the purity, and I 100% support that decision

* Pure, almost tear-inducing side-note ended *

Hey, so here’s something interesting:

You have a way of controlling Henry’s temper that, to most, is uncanny

Your empathetic nature seems to remind him of his Mom in some ways, and that means you’re often the voice of reason when he really starts to lose it

Example: You once stopped both he and Patrick from throwing Eddie Kasprack head-first into the quarry from the Derry county bluffs...

... which, unknown to Henry (and uncared about by Patrick) was over a 300-foot drop

I mean, obviously Eddie kept screaming that it was a 300-foot drop at the top of his lungs (because that’s just the kind of thing that Eddie would know), but that didn’t seem to be making any headway with the guys

So, ultimately, you were forced to step in, and (even though your calm, logical words earned you a long Henry Bowers death-stare), Henry eventually let Eddie squirm away from him, perfectly intact

So, yeah - you probably saved the kid’s life that day, and, believe me, he knows it (dude was “inhalering�� up a storm as he ran away)

However...

Patrick doesn’t like you much, because you have a way of ruining his fun just as it’s “about to get good” (as in the example mentioned above)

Sorry, man - it’s just the price of not letting people get murdered in front of you

... He shows his distaste for you in fairly hilarious ways though, so it’s actually kind of fine in the end (aka: Hockstetter may not like you, but he likes messing with you, so that’s enough to satisfy him)

Makes fun of your shyness, style, movie/music preferences, etc....

... but primarily makes fun of you about your weight

Mostly just because he knows that’s what will hit the hardest, and because he knows it calls all the guys’ attention over to your body at once - inevitably leaving you feeling self-conscious

Makes comments when you’re eating, compares you to other people on the street (mostly guys), pinches your fatty bits at times, etc.

Belch and Victor both take up for you hardcore whenever Patrick messes with you, though

Belch usually defends you for a while before eventually getting made fun of himself (but hey, at least he got the attention off of you), while Victor just counters every word Patrick says with an uncompromising “Shut the fuck up, Hockstetter.”

Henry actually jumps in to defend you once in a while too though (again, with the Bowers death-stare), which is a huge indicator of how much he likes you (a lot)

All in all, a genuinely happy relationship with one sore spot

Sorry, girl - you basically have three attack dogs who would throw down for you at a moment’s notice, plus one annoying chihuahua who does nothing but yap and nip at your toes.

Try to focus on the good stuff for now; we’ll find out how to put the chihuahua down later.

#henry bowers #patrick hockstetter #belch huggins #victor criss #the bowers gang #the bowers gang headcanons #it

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