#a codependency that prevents them from being lonely

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

What do you think about Tavros and Dave's relationship? they interact quite interestingly in the first acts, and it seems to me that people undeservedly overlook this

Dave c3< Tavros c3< Equius is one of my endgame ships.

I also don't really mind Dave <3< Tavros because they definitely have a contentious relationship, but I think the Dave/Tavros/Equius throuple suits all three of them better and is also a more healthy and positive force for Dave overall. Especially because parallels are already there - Dave and Tavros's interaction is largely Dave making Tavros really uncomfortable, and then Tavros trying to get back at him via rap; meanwhile, Dave encourages Equius to rap, and is then made really uncomfortable. Together, they can be miserable while rapping at each other together.

But more seriously, one of Dave's biggest problems on the meteor was how fucking lonely he was. After basically ruining things with Terezi because he didn't understand troll quadrants and didn't want to learn, he had pretty much nobody to talk to, and especially nobody to rap with (the activity he's constantly seen doing to try and pass the time), which is why he became so obsessively clingy to the Mayor. Gamzee stopped talking to everyone except Terezi, Rose and Kanaya were busy being codependent and/or having substance abuse problems, and Karkat just thinks Dave's rap shit is dumb and cringe. It was like, really bad for him.

In a hypothetical situation where Tavros and Equius are both brought back to life, a lot of problems are actually solved for Dave - he has two rap buddies (three if you count redeemed Gamzee, who's <> with Tavros in this scenario) and is made to accept troll polyamory... by FORCE. I pretty much imagine that he kind of falls ass backwards into this auspicetism without even realizing it, and when someone breaks the news to him that he's dating the two worst trolls, he'd be like NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! and go crawling back to Terezi on his hands and knees like babe im so sorry please take me back. don't let my defining relationship be this unforgivable threesome

But it'd also be good for Tavros and Equius. Equius is genuinely polite, even if he is bossy, and if he tries to get all weird at Tavros about... y'know, the stuff Equius is weird about, Dave would feel the need to step in, and be like, bro, you two are literally the two biggest weirdos on this meteor, why tf are you beefing (and then theyd be like was that a livestock pun and dave would be like stfu)

Meanwhile, Tavros doesn't seem to be able to stop himself from bugging Dave, and to be frank, Dave's kind of out of Tavros's league? like their first interaction went so badly for Tavros that he BLOCKED Dave, which is hilarious. But Equius doesn't stand for 100dness and crassness, so there's no way he wouldn't feel the need to intervene and prevent things from going that far, inadvertently turning their throuple into a safe space for Tavros to practice self-assertion

And Dave also keeps goading Equius into doing shit, and it backfires horrifically every single time, but you know what? Dave is TAVROS's rival, okay, Tavros called dibs, and with Equius being... the way that he is... he WOULD listen to Tavros and back off. And of course that just sets Dave off, and the beautiful cycle continues. Like they all kind of vaguely hate each other and need to meddle with each other, but in a way that all three of them walk away as better, healthier people.

Also the way Karkat would be like holy fucking shit, this is the most stable auspicetism ive ever seen, i mean this from the bottom of my pusher, like completely genuinely and sincerely, congratulations & dave would be like shut UP!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[gravescore-records]

NeoEarth Bestiary Log 1: Star Spirits

Star Spirits are cosmic beings mysteriously tied to stars, their bodies being astral projections made corporeal to act as a vessel for the star's insurmountable energy. Because of how these physical forms are created, they are naturally attuned to magic. While the magic circles of Star Spirits can be tied to a specific element, all are naturally bound to the element of fire. This binding, alongside regular consumption and bathing in flame to restore energy, grants them immunity to damage from fire.

It's common for Star Spirits to be found in clans that we see as "Constellations". The name correlation between a Star Spirit clan and a sapien's concept of a cluster of stars that form an image is no mere coincidence. Much like most celestial bodies or creatures of divine nature, the birth of new stars, and by proxy, their spirits and clans, are highly codependent on beliefs held by sapient life.

However, while more uncommon, it is possible for a Star Spirit to exist without a clan through several means, such as sapient views on a given constellation changing to exclude a star while the star in question is still bright and burning, or perhaps a singular star had enough of the prerequisites to give birth to its own Star Spirit. We were refer to such oddities as Lone Stars due to these circumstances, but these are but a few examples of endless possibilities.

Within Star Spirit Clans, it is common for Star Spirits to be named after objects or concepts, such as "Thimble, Dawn, Dusk, Alley, River, Thyme" and so on. Usually Star Spirits pick their names themselves, with the exception to this being the clan leaders, who name themselves after titles of nobility.

The first leader of a clan tends to be the oldest when a constellation is first formed. Every leader that may join them after that is determined by the strength of the protostar they're tied to. The more mass that collects during a Star formation and the brighter a newborn star burns, the chances of them becoming a new leader increases greatly. Star Spirits have to be exceptional to be considered for leadership. Often times there will be one to two leaders, but three to four is not uncommon.

Because of their origins of being starbound, they need a lot of sleep, exactly twelve hours of it. Their sleep schedule is determined by their elemental alignment, which will be explained later below. Once these twelve hours are up and its time for a Star Spirit to sleep, their internal clocks will enforce that need and they will instinctively seek out somewhere suitable for their slumber. If a hospitable environment is not found fast enough, they will be forced to sleep regardless of where they are*.

This, however, is if a Star Spirit should choose to regular wake up and engage with others. It's common practice to sleep for long periods of time to prolong their life spans. Rest is one of many factors that determine how long a Star Spirit lives, which also ties into how much energy they cause their stars to burn. Staying awake, prolonged use of magic that needs concentration, and even having their bodies damaged can burn away that energy. If a Star Spirit dies they will reconstitute at their place of death after so many days depending on the damage done. However, if a Star Spirit dies and their star burns out as a result, they will not reconstitute.

As mentioned before, sapient belief is a huge part of a Star Spirit's existence. Typically Star Spirits help keep these beliefs alive by granting wishes, but if for whatever reason a Star Spirit is prevented from doing this or the belief in them dwindles, the star is also affected. Without purpose, a Star Spirit will die faster.

However, it is entirely possible to preserve and even prolong the longevity of a Star Spirit. If it can consume more materia with a high enough energy resource than it can burn energy, it can potentially add several eons more onto its lifespan.

Two types of Star Spirits have been recorded, namely Dark Star Spirits and Light Star Spirits. There are a plethora of things that differentiate them from one another, factors such as appearance, means of construction, and primary elemental alignment. Their alignment can also affect certain attributes of their magic...

Dark Star Spirits:

Dark Star Spirits are born during night hours, with forms created by subconscious minds. Attributes used in their appearances come from concepts and ideas formulated by sapient minds, resulting in Dark Star Spirits typically sharing the appearances of anthropomorphic "fairytale creatures", such as dragons, unicorns, imps, goblins, pheonixes, and the like. Because they are born of traditional dreams, they possess the natural ability to traverse them and even alter them if they so desire.

They commonly act as overseers, using this natural dream-travelling ability to better determine wishes one might have. It's also a great way for them to actually live their lives while staying asleep at the same time, but it makes for poor conversation if there's no one there to talk to**.

A Dark Star's natural alignment is infernal or fiendish in nature, typically having colors that are darker in tone, capable of travelling through dark spaces. Anywhere a shadow grows, a Dark Star Spirit can lurk and warp, and in certain instances, they can even influence the darkness around them. Certain effects can cause their bodies to become as dark as a silhouette or make the darkness of a room creep into a light hallway, creating that nauseous and uneasy feeling as you stare into a space that seems a lot deeper than it actually is.

Their sleep schedules start at 7AM and lasts until 7PM exactly.

Light Star Spirit:

Light Star Spirits are born of daydreams during the light hours of day, taking forms made from traits created by the conscious mind. This can result in much more unique and strange physical visages, but can also result in more inconspicuous appearances taking inspiration from everyday objects and creatures as well. Their pallets are also typically brighter and more vibrant in color to match.

They're often great mind readers, traversing the folds of one's mind for their deepest desires, allowing them to inherently know what one wants. Should they choose to do this in secrecy as to not be detected, the person they have chosen to probe the minds of may seem spacey, as if in a daydream-like state***.

They have much in common with their dark counterparts, yet they stand in direct opposition. They can teleport and hide themselves wherever light shines, they're more celestial in alignment and have a natural resistance to radiant light. Their sleeping schedules are 7PM to 7AM sharp, but they can traverse dreams all the same just like their Dark Star cousins. This is, however, moreso for their own entertainment rather than necessity. After all, they're required to sleep 12 hours a day, and someone has to be asleep on the other side of the world, right? Have to live your slumbering life somehow.

NOTES FROM LEAD ARCHIVER CLAWDY:

* In the event that this happens in the middle of our hallways or other areas of Gravescore, denizens are encouraged to bring the unconscious Star Spirit to a safe place on the property to avoid them getting trampled on.

** Consider the possibility of lucid dreaming training to allow for increased chances of interaction with the Dark Star Spirits.

*** Keep an eye on any denizens that start spacing out at random so that we can catch these Light Star Spirits in the act, they can't keep doing this forever!

In regards to the statement directly above: They don't have much of a choice... unless there's a sudden and noticeable increase in this behavior en masse, in which they may be messing with you because they know its getting a rise out of you - 🐾

[billcipherbong]

ford was definitely a dick especially to stan but i don't think he saw mabel as an obstacle? when dipper expresses concern for her, he speaks highly of her magnetic personality and ability to easily make friends, a skill he lacks and admires. i think he genuinely thought she would be okay, and that the time apart would help her branch out as a person. part of the reason stan was so reliant on ford was because they were each the other's only friend, so ford's logic was probably wanting to spare mabel of falling into that codependence before it could become a problem. ultimately he was wrong, because the apprenticeship would be bad for dipper's social development at that age, and mabel already had a better support network than the stans did as kids, but i can't believe he ever had a malicious thought towards mabel like he did stan. he loved her dearly from the minute they met.

see. your first mistake is seeing stanley's and ford's relationship as codependent to begin with. you also seem to assume ford wasn't also relying on stan as much as stan relied on him, which he very much did.

stan also had a whole-ass girlfriend, so idk why you're trying to imply their union was unhealthy and prevented them from branching out in building relationships with other people. they were just two awkward kids, one of them with a physical difference even, that made social connection difficult bc OTHER PEOPLE didn't like them to begin with.

their separation wasn't the break up of an unhealthy co-dependence, which i feel you're implying? it was literally a tragedy that destroyed ford's perception of other people, and stan's life. their relationship was never a problem until Filbrick decided it was.

now. onto mabel. yeah, he adores her. but it is a matter of fact that he does not see her as worth as much as dipper. two thoughts can very much co-exist in the same skull - hell, "he adores her, but he doesn't think she's all that smart or capable" is also a sentiment stan had to confront at one point! Ford even phrases leaving Mabel behind as Dipper being meant for something "more," as if having a loving sister and best friend is simply not worth as much as being lonely at the top. he even asks Dipper if he doesn't find her "suffocating."

[britts-galaxy-brain]

Alright I usually don't respond to Lily's media opinions but she has once again reduced a multi-layered storyline down to "fetish" and I will not stand for such slander. Xain too.

Lily, if all you got out of the entirety of Madoka Magica is "the author wanted to watch girls die", THAT IS A YOU PROBLEM!

Madoka Magica explores several dark subjects and imho does so pretty well for what it is. You've got the manipulative predatory Kyubey preying on desperate people by appearing as an unassuming helper (HMM SOUNDS FAMILIAR), you've got the theme of "be careful what you wish for", you've got the concept of reliving trauma over and over again until you reach a point of acceptance, and an exploration of how trauma can deeply corrupt a person if it isn't dealt with in a healthy manner (Walpurgisnacht).

Each of the main characters represents a different motive that drives them, and how those motives can be both a source of inspiration and growth or a source of self-destruction. (Spoilers ahead, highly recommend watching if you're into this sort of thing.)

Madoka's main deal is her lack of self-esteem that has so far prevented her from doing much with her life outside of basic survival. She sees herself as fundamentally weak, unassuming, and uninteresting. After seeing Mami fight a Witch, Madoka's motive is to become strong like Mami, but her lack of self-esteem holds her back.

Homura is lonely and horribly codependent on Madoka. The constant time resets Homura engages in to continue reliving her time with Madoka, and as a consequence the trauma that separated them, fundamentally harms Madoka over time in a way neither of them were aware of until it was too late. Much like how actual codependent relationships can spiral without the people involved noticing.

Mami was essentially forced into a magical contract to save her own life after a car accident that killed her parents. Her motive becomes protecting others, but she's emotionally disconnected from the world and herself, which ultimately leads to her death.

Sayaka tells herself that her motive is to protect others like Mami, but her actual motive was to heal the boy she's in a one-sided infatuation with. It's hinted that at least some part of her hoped they'd end up together, but it never happened. Sayaka's denial and refusal to deal with her emotional turmoil is what leads to her death.

Kyoko's motive was extremely misguided. She used her wish to help her excommunicated heretic father gain followers to help her family out of poverty. After her father goes insane after learning what she did, Kyoko decides to be selfish with her abilities, believing using them to try to help others will only harm them in the end. Kyoko struggles with the fact that she is not a fundamentally selfish person, but she believes she is protecting others by being so.

Kyubey is just a sociopathic genie using the girls' deepest desires and insecurities to manipulate them into signing their souls away.

Madoka Magica is one of the best animes I've ever watched. It's not overly sexualized, it doesn't rely solely on a gimmick (I realize magical girl is a gimmick but damn this one did it good), it explores multiple complex, interweaving emotional and interpersonal struggles, and the animation is fuckin spooky and fantastic.

Fuck Lily and Xain and their shallow-ass opinions.

[otter1962crystalball]

Opening Up a Can of Worms, or Taking the Path Less Travelled

June 20th, 2024

Happy 20th day of Pride, everyone. For the past five days I’ve been writing about a time in my life that was both wonderful and tragic during the course of around six years. There are many other stories that I could cover but want to change course. There is the six year relationship with my narcissistic ex-husband, the equally narcissistic follow up relationship and finally my bout with cancer in 2019. I’ve written quite a bit about those times in my other two blogs:

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962 (my cancer blog)

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otterenergy1962 (the raising my energetic attraction blog)

What is coming to mind today is how my life has changed due to the HIV, Dean’s addiction, the narcissists and finally the cancer. The big question is, “What would I have been like without these events?” I believe the expression is “Opening a Can of Worms.”

The Collins Dictionary says, “If you say that someone is opening a can of worms, you are warning them that they are planning to do or talk about something which is much more complicated, unpleasant or difficult than they realize and which might be better left alone.” This is definitely complicated, unpleasant and difficult, but I think it might be interesting to write about it.

One big question is what my life would have been like. Like all situations, there is good and bad in everything. Along the path of my life, there are many places where the road might have forked in another direction. Examples would be running away from home, seroconversion, meeting any of my partners, etc. I became a teacher because I wanted to teach before I passed away from AIDS. I wouldn’t have learned French if I hadn’t moved to Chicoutimi because I wanted to be with Eddy. Would my career have been different? The thoughts are like a can of worms!

One thing that I know for sure is that depression has been a regular companion. 

Being bullied in school 

Becoming HIV+ was a major period of depression. 

The addiction period with Dean

My marriage to my ex-husband that was full of narcissistic behaviour and my subsequent codependency

My cancer diagnosis and facing it alone for the most part.

One this is sure and that is I’ve learned a lot of managing techniques that I can use to help alleviate the situation. One of the biggest has been sharing with close friends and talking it through with them. Another has been losing the shame for having to go see a counsellor. I’ve seen social workers and psychologists and they’ve all been very helpful.

There were parts of my life where I was unsure of the future. I had no clue where it was going. At this point in my life, it has done a 180 degree turn. I am now very certain of what I want and plan to do with my life. I didn’t travel much in my earlier times because there were always something to deal with in my life that supposedly prevented me. I know that wasn’t always true, but nonetheless that is where I was at in those times.

I’ve learned through all of this that I’ve come to understand the difference between being lonely and alone. I always needed to have someone around me in order to feel safe. Now, I am very happy being on my own, but I am open to meeting a guy, should the occasion arise. I’ve also determined that travelling by myself won’t be a big deal either. I was always a bit afraid to travel on my own.

One thing that I often ponder is that before my HIV, I was a rather self and self-absorbed person. I really only cared about getting laid and the conquest of finding sex. If I hadn’t seroconverted, I am quite sure that I would have remained selfish. For that reason, I am glad that I’ve learned about empathy and self compassion.  All those hard relationships taught me about myself and what it is that I need and want in a relationship - with myself and others.

I think that my travel towards being authentic has been another big path to follow. At the age of 61, I feel the most in touch with who I am and what I want in life. I’m meeting more people who are equally authentic and I welcome that. I still meet people who are not, but at least now I have the tools to avoid getting pulled into their whirlwinds. 

Retirement is a big step and as I begin this new voyage, I will probably encounter obstacles but I’m not worried. All of my learning experience has given me ways of dealing with these obstacles.

For Pride, I am celebrating authenticity. I’m working on it for myself, seeking it in others and above all, finding it in others. As I close this blog entry, I feel there is still so much more to write about on this subject. I may very well take the time to explore it more.

Carpe diem and happy Pride.

[rain-tumbling-through-a-vent]

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

[catminecraft]

i wrote an analysis about this & joels character development and how it directly correlates with bdubs and ethos relationship with their allies throughout the life series. but first let me drop the graph in order to explain this fully

im gonna put this under a read more because its gonna get a bit long

(this is copy pasted from a previous post i made about the topic but i havent tagged it so i dont think anyone read it)

i feel like etho and bdubs are clearly devoted to one another in an absurd way, but bdubs is incredibly possessive over etho while etho cares for him more than anything but he doesnt feel like his feelings towards bdubs need to be somehow corroborated by possession of him. meanwhile, joel is kinda exactly like etho is, minus the loyalty- and thats what etho really appreciates about him, that Joel just Does things, feels things on his own, and his affection is not a force of action like bdubs' is. Etho approaches life the same way as Joel does, and when hes with him he feels less confined than when he is with Bdubs. its basically like this

etho - unwavering loyalty, free spirit

bdubs - unwavering loyalty, possessive

joel - loyal to a point, free spirit

like. bdubs wouldnt have been able to betray etho for anything in the world. joel would have been able to betray anyone if he felt betrayed. i feel like this is a virtue both etho and bdubs admire.

bdubs and etho have already proven that they would not be able to survive on their lonesome. they always need someone to be there for them, and in wild life, bdubs playing on this whole "tough guy" agenda is clearly an act to try to emulate that sense of independency; etho, in turn, feeling unsupported, turned to another team, submitting to his image of a stray dog without an owner. but joel has Always been an independent. He is perfectly capable of surviving for a long time without anyone's support, and more often than not, he doesnt seek support outright; in fact, he doesnt seek support because he Needs it, but because he Wants it. Etho and Bdubs seek support because they Need it

in this way, their character developments throughout the series' is a perfect foil;

joel started third life as a literally lone wolf, with his wolf army. he went through the series completely alone, and died alone in battle, but did quite well all things considering. in last life, he tried to ally, but circumstances often prevented him from doing so- again, he spent most of his series solo, and still survived til the last episode, taking a lot of lives in the process. double life prevented him from going solo again. in limited life, his alliances were clumsy, but welcome. in secret life, his alliances were happy, unwavering, a lot less strained. and in wild life, hes literally calling him and gem Family.

etho also started third life alone, with the mindset that he will go to whichever alliance the wind takes him, but it wasnt long til he became codependent on the redwoods. in last life, he allied with bdubs, then tango and skizz; after they were out, he immediately jumped to his next alliance, eventually being taken out by none other than Joel, the Lone Wolf. the Lone Wolf who did better than him. And then, in double life, he was tied to him til the end. Joels independency mixes with Ethos codependency.

Limited life had etho torn through two different alliances which he could not choose between. In secret life, etho fully threw himself into this codependency, completely accepting the fact that on his own, he is nobody; unwaveringly loyal to cleo and grian, no matter if that loyalty would lose him lives, or would lose his tasks. and now, not being able to have that codependency he Relies upon for Survival, he is throwing himself at the feet of random people, begging to be taken in

And Bdubs has always been. Hes always been loyal to a fault, unchanging, willing to risk his life for the ones that he believes will be his allies forever. This is changing in wild life, where he is trying really hard to pretend that he doesnt need these alliances at all, but its very, very clear that he Doesnt think this way. he Needs someone to be there

for all of them, pinpointing the moment where their mindsets about alliances started to change is very easy. for etho and Joel, it was the moment they were paired together in double life. for bdubs, it was when he and joel fell on the battlefield side by side in secret life.

(and now onto more detailed character analysis of ethos and bdubs' relationship to joel. sorry this is formatted so weirdly 😭)

what sets bdubs apart from other characters in the series is that he does things because theyd be funny or entertaining not because he necessary believes in anything. though this factor is also this "constant" to him that sets him apart in other ways, analyzing him purely as a character instead of a player; he Does Not Learn like everyone else. from the very beginning, hes been constant in his need for alliance, and his need for possession of his allies. in some way hes always felt entitled to his allies, and their lives just like in general. (killing impulse in 3rd life, killing tango in last life). the difference between his attachment style and ethos, insofar as they both feel they cannot survive without allies, is that etho believes his allies to eventually split from him; he never sees these alliances as something that can last forever, and expects people hes allied with to also understand this. bdubs on the other hand completely expects his allies' submission in a way. he views himself as a stepping stone for his allies, but he also views Them as his own stepping stones . at least he did in 3rd and last life.

but like i DO think he actually started to change from this mindset a bit since double life at LEAST. double life forced all players to realize that alliances sometimes are in fact built to last once theyre built. bdubs used to take advantage of other players as much as he let himself get taken advantage of. in limited life and going through secret life, this mindset did change, albeit not in the "logical progression" way— he stopped feeling like hes entitled to allyship, Even Though he still views himself as someone his allies Should take advantage of for survival. this was clear in limited and secret life.

his relationship to allyship changed into more etho-esque, but reminiscent of him from third and last life. "i am loyal to my allies and i expect them to be wholly unconditionally loyal to me, but i will fight to win", changed into "i am loyal to my allies but i know they will fight for their own survival when the time comes, and i dont want to stop them from this" (him Refusing to attack etho and cleo in secret life was exactly this- bdubs from third and last life would have taken them out three times over)

more about etho though because i also find his relationship with allies interesting and it needs to be said to understand how joel is a perfect character foil for both of them

etho like i said before approaches allyship in a similar way to both bdubs and joel. i marked him in the graph i made as "wants to eat his cake and have it too" which i still think is a correct assessment. he believes himself to be inferior to everyone around him. he knows this as a fact. he started third life wanting desperately to have this freedom of being independent, but it was very quick for him to realize that he would get nowhere like this at all. he believes his allies to be the reason he has his standing. he, in third-last life, viewed allyship as a mutual codependency in which both parties are supposed to help eachother, but arent bound by restraints of unconditional loyalty til death. bdubs, in third and last life, viewed allyship as a codependency in which both parties are supposed to Take Advantage of one another, and either one of them will have to die For the other person.

for etho, allyship is a loose term; for bdubs, allyship has concrete rules you have to abide by

UNTIL ☝️double life

double life etho realized whats it like to have an ally that literally Cannot step away from you and go behind your back; an allyship where both of them played to win the game For the other person. he realized whats it like to Expect Loyalty.

in limited life he was so torn because he expected loyalty, now. but he didnt know exactly from who, and who expected loyalty back. in secret life, he, cleo and grian both knew that their alliance was loose at times, and this is the type of freedom etho likes the most in his alliances. even then, he started to expect loyalty to them on his own behalf

and now in wild life you get literally these two perspectives, literally mirroring mindsets, that came together and are like we need to learn how to be better, tougher players!!!! (becomes much much much worse). none of them really believe in what theyre doing. etho is trying to teach bdubs how to be "tough"- how to be him from third life. and bdubs is in turn teaching etho that yes, etho needs a strong alliance to survive- teaching him how to become bdubs from third life.

both bdubs And etho have taken one look at joel, at some point in the series (as illustrated by my graph number three), and asked themselves: What Makes Him Better Than Me?

etho came to the conclusion that what makes joel better than him is his ability to have a mutually beneficial allyship at all. Etho knows Joel doesnt need this type of relationship to survive, unlike him, but its almost Easy for joel to have one. There is no grief for joel, there never was; there is just mutual support, or Wrath. joel doesnt feel the need to grieve anything. He goes where the world takes him- etho greatly admires this

and bdubs came to the conclusion that what makes joel better is his ability to fight for himself and to care for himself without allies. because joel didnt ally with bdubs out of necessity, only because he Wanted to. Bdubs sees this as a reflection of weakness in himself- because he knows He only allies with people Because of necessity

one scene i cannot stop thinking about is joel "babysitting" bdubs in double life. that was such a good reflection of how bdubs feels about joel in general. when joel told him to do water bucket clutches and took him to kill pillagers and the entire time bdubs was like "am i doing it? am i doing well?"

Am I Becoming Great Like You, Joel? Am i becoming independent like you? Will i finally be able to be a person without having to be affirmed of my existence by someone else, like you?

Theres another scene mentioned on the graph, although through watching secret life its quite easy to miss— in the final episode of secret life, through bdubs' perspective, there comes a point where joel is desperately searching for someone to kill, because hes incredibly low on hearts. he tells the mounders this fact, and bdubs chooses to relinquish his horse to joel, so he can chase after skizz and regain hearts from killing him. Joel asks, "are you sure?" and Bdubs says "Yes. Go." They were both on red lives then. Bdubs has gone through half of the series being angry at people stealing his horses. He chooses this. (I believe Bdubs felt angry at himself for this choice. Not because he didnt want to make it — but because he saw Joel, asking him if he was sure about this choice, and realized that he will never experience allyship in the way that Joel experiences it. He was out of his league.)

And Etho. The scene when he and joel were in a boat in secret life. he said "do you remember, when you still cared about me?" and Joel said, "I still care, Etho. Im just with the mounders now."

Etho realized this then as well. Its always been so easy for Joel. Joel never had to beg for allies, he never had to prove his loyalty to anyone (like Etho had to prove his loyalty to Bdubs in last life). Etho was angry at this response, i think, internally. I think he wanted Joel to struggle with the loss of their alliance, and he wanted him to grieve, like he grieved in limited life after Joel. Etho wanted him to be violent, to be angry, to show that this alliance ment Something at all to Joel.

Do You Care You Taught Me How To Love Properly? Do You Care About How Much It Ment To Me?

He realized it then as well. Joel was out of his league.

paces around in circles. something about life series joel slowly expanding his alliances and if he wins this time it’ll be with a family

[astroyongie]

NCT Love Life - November Edition

Note: As you guys know, I had some health issues that prevented me from posting my love life readings of October. NCT, Stray Kids, Itzy and Aespa readings for November have been done and will be published this week (one per day). Don’t hesitate to send me a request if you want to know about any group love life ! 

Part One 

Taeil 

So basically Taeil is still getting to know this person that came into his life, however there was some things that have happened that disturbed and disappointed him. Firstly, the person lied about their age and it messed the whole thing up. Taeil is still trying to work on things but it seems like the company isn’t very okay with this new “relationship” and honestly he doesn’t know what to do either 

Johnny

To be honest this man desires a family, a stable relationship and he has even been thinking about children these last days. However he knows that his work can’t let him have such things. He is still seeing this person he is interested in, and he thinks that he is mature enough to start something. Still, many desires that cannot be attended and that annoys him. 

Taeyong

For Taeyong things aren’t looking good. I am almost certain that his current partner broke up with him, but he is still in a very deep state of denial, not wanting to believe that things have ended up. Feels like they left town or even country for a while and he still hopes and believes strongly that once they come back that things will be like before. Taeyong is focused on his work, trying to dull his pain in it, but honestly he is just lying to himself in order not to hurt 

Yuta

I don’t understand what Yuta is doing, but he literally pushed his love interest away from him. Despite having growing feelings for them, Yuta has no intentions to start anything. He thinks a lot about his past relationships and he doesn't want to live something like that again, so he prefers to focus on his career only which made him to be very self protective of his heart to the point he made this person leave. It’s very sad considering that it was a potential soulmate 

Doyoung 

Doyoung’s situation hasn’t changed much since October. He is still single and still focusing on his career only. About his old wounds, he is working on it but there’s a lot of guilt attached to it. He blames himself for many things, trying now to find some inner peace through music. 

Jaehyun

Jaehyun’s energy is all over the place. It seems like after this argument he had, he finally is understanding that his actions were not good. He is trying to change his “fuck around” personality and he made some sacrifices (aka finished his regular hook ups ). Still, there’s a lot of anger and words that are impacting him. Jaehyun blames is childhood for his behaviors and he understands as well he won’t be able to get back with the person he hurt 

Jungwoo

Jungwoo finally made a decision and unfortunately he did choose to stay with the person he has been with for the last months. Despite things being very toxic and him feeling lonely and not happy, he is just way too in love and he strongly believes that they can make it work out with efforts. The company tried to interfere but Jungwoo doesn’t care and he won’t let go of this person 

Mark

Mark is still in a relationship with this idol and despite everything being new they are working things up. There truly is love between them two, and their difference is the reason they are so attracted to each other. Things are still complicated but their sincerity shall help fix things

Haechan 

He totally forgot about his old relationship and he is totally focused on his new one that is actually starting to become very codependent in both parties. There’s some inner troubles in their relationships but haechan doesn’t seem to let that bother him. He wants to work through all with them. 

[numbaoneflaya]

Can I get a list of all ur ocs?

Well anon youve done it, you made me make a list of all my major OCS in one place. I hope your happy with yourself. Under the cut for obvious reasons, may link in my blog desc later.

Modern/BTD verse!!

Jilly- Ferret beastkin little creature, was recently turned into a werewolf by vincent as well so she's running around on full moons in a wereferret wolf hybrid creature form. Chaotic and friendly and wants to be everyone's bestie. She has the most energy in the world and is very kind hearted. Banned from most Claires for stealing and from one Home Depot for climbing the shelves. Prone to living life with rose colored glasses on and seeing the best in everything/everything even when there's nothing there. Socialization is a must for her and is why being basemented/kidnapped broke her psych so quickly and developed severe stockholm. Sometimes overly talkative/enthusiastic and can scare people off. Even if she sees someone shes decided shes friends with be noticeably 'evil', will convince herself it must be for some reason/her fault and ignore it.

Ciggy- Undead punk still learning to harness his powers to interact with the world as a ghost. Was sacrificed by a cult he joined for free concert tickets and to get laid. Likes to cause problems on purpose both pre and prior death and he's not above possessing someone once he learns how to. Was called Rooster in high school before he dropped out because he's loud, obnoxious and always screaming. And also has bright red dyed hair. Looking 4 ways to become less ghosty bcs he wants to be able to help raise his infant daughter, whom he died before he could meet. Bit annoying and in your face, likes poking at bruises, his or others. Kind of a sad heart seeking attention through volume and persistence.

Mike: Vampire loser! Sells drugs and lives at raves. Was turned when she was attacked by a coked out vampire (whom she supplied the product to) and has major scarring on her face and chest. Needs a somewhat constant influx of blood so shell sometimes take victims back to her place and chain them up, slowly draining them over time. Feels bad (ish) about it tho so it is possible to survive her if you are nice and or interesting enough. Kind of desperate for a friend and for love. Is a stalker. If she likes you enough/finds you interesting, she might just appear in your house one night and start rummaging through your fridge like nothing is wrong and youve been besties for years. Its best to indulge her and be friendly, otherwise she could turn violent quickly if her feelings are hurt.

Kilaine- Regular human woman, but fucked up. Born and raised by an elite waspy society she had an interest in the human body and pain tolerance since she was young. Quickly learned that these traits were socially unacceptable in most professions, so she became a doctor. The only family she cared about was her younger sister who she lost in a car accident, where they were flipped over and trapped inside while it was afire. While her sister burned up in front of her Kilaine only lost her left arm and had major burns on her body. This tipped her descent into sadism and she is now madly obsessed with bringing her sister back no matter the cost. Rude and offstandish, clinical.

Dragon age verse!

Thurwen- My main Hero of Ferelden with a bad temper and a heart of gold. City elf from the Denerim Alienage, 18 at the start of origins. She's a reaver warrior with a lot of pent up rage which sometimes scares others when she lets it out in battle. Over the years she's grown less moody as she's had to take the role of Commander. Crude sense of humor and violent impulses, very sensitive to the plights of others and tries often to help. Never seen crying in public but only cries to herself at night- major martyr and hanged man complex.

Caz- My circle mage elf inquisitor who was an apostate before the conclave. Blood magic, but make it sneaky. Wary of strangers and new faces, always dealing with the impulse to flee/find a high vantage point. Endless curiosity about the unknown/ the forbidden/ naughty, was supposed to be made tranquil for it but she escaped. Kind of a little creature as well, lived on her own for a while as an apostate in the woods, filed her teeth down to sharp ends to make herself look more intimidating (shes 5 ft tall) and less cute (her elf ears are huge and expressive, which shes embarrassed about)

Dag and Thagna- Carta twins! Professional lyrium smugglers since birth pretty much. Raised casteless in dust town and had to work their way up the chain of command by themselves. Dag is the brother, Thagna the sister. Their father traded them to the carta for drinking money and their mom died in childbirth so they have somewhat of a codependent relationship. Both charismatic and calculating, friendly and agreeable but won't hesitate to put a dagger in your back. Hard to pin down morally or physically, squirrelly bastards.

Reila: Dalish elf who works for the inquisition/ is the inquisitor in some aus. She has an extreme fixation on elvhen history and rebuilding what they have lost. Not a people person, prefers solitude. Takes some time to warm up to shemhlen as she has a hard history with them. Good friends with Caz, who recruited her in the first place. Doesn't understand very many social cues and finds societal expectations limiting and frustrating. Fondness for halla and hooved animals, which she finds graceful.

Elder scrolls verse!

Valkya: Near seven foot nord woman whos over a thousand years old by the events of skyrim. Tall and buff, two handed warrior and compulsive hero there to bask in the spotlight save the day. She was killed at the start of the events of Elder scrolls online and had her soul ripped out and sent to coldharbor and she's just been a pain in the ass about it since then. Her body can physically die and will not regrow pieces. Her soul however will escape and teleport to the nearest source of power where her body will regrow from an aetherial plasm until its whole again. Loud and brash, friendly and jovial. Actually pretty keen especially after centuries of life but prefers to play dumb as it makes people underestimate her. Plus, she really does enjoy mud wrestling and drinking contests and acting generally like a rambunctious frat boy. Ha developed a bit of a substance problem and a problem with acting out, as after being alive so long she would turn to anything to dull the ache inside of her that never goes away.

Espira- My Dragonborn! Redguard from Hammerfell who was briefly in the Ash’abah due to killing undead while protecting her parents water farm as a child. Ran away from them after years and went to Cyrodille, then to Skyrim and was caught crossing the border. Reserved, kind and soft spoken, she's a sword and shield warrior who's committed herself to doing good in the world by helping others. Dislikes killing and anything messy but believes it is often necessary in order to protect the weak. She blacksmiths often to save money on the upkeep of her own equipment, and takes up metal jewelry working as a hobby with the excess material. Prone to trusting others too much and giving too many second chances, as shes always looking for ways to make even the most hardened criminal a second look at life.

Riley- Espiras little brother who she locked in the wardrobe during the event of the water farm attack. In preventing him from doing violence against the undead she kept him from being conscripted into the Ash’abah. He's way more chaotic than his sister, and suffers from a case of little sibling syndrome in which he will often pester/poke at people just to get a rise out of them. Still kind hearted as his sister, he tries to hide it because he believes that the world is a cruel place and the cruel survive. Despite that belief he is often still unable to force himself to be cruel/careless, only making a show of it so that others leave him alone and don't see that he's very sensitive and emotional. Deaf in one ear due to a magic mishap in his youth, he trained and enchanted his most beloved rats to live for years and sit on his shoulder, alerting him to noises he would not otherwise notice.

Felria: Evil vamp :/ chaotic evil dunmer necromancer. Small and devilish and likes dead bodies too much. Manipulative and cunning, she loves acting. She's a trained assassin for the dark brotherhood and is the speaker. Likes dressing up for missions and wearing disguises like its all a play. Loves toying with people more than she loves killing them, will act in ways that cause as much trauma as possible for other people just for fun and she finds the reactions interesting. Considers herself too far removed from most people's perception of morality and of her so it's hard for her to trust someone or see them as worthy of knowing her. Finds the psychology of grief and fear to be interesting and wants to study them first hand. The hero of kvatch.

Herren: Fifty something year old rat woman looking for something to keep her going. Ran away from her wealthy family in her youth when they wanted her to take charge of the household, instead became an infamous jewel thief and swashbuckler. Spent most of her life traveling and stealing and double dealing. She's smarmy and sarcastic, a serial romancer of the highest caliber. Bit of a show off and a hedonist, always looking for the next good party or new product to snort. Her family died off due to the hard times she wasn't there for and she keeps looking for bigger and bigger heists to fill her appetite as she's chronically bored and lonely, though wont accept intimacy and will scoff at it out of the belief she doesn't deserve it. Irresponsible and selfish, lonely and terrified of any sort of commitment. Fun to party with though!

[blue-banditt]

I was reading advice online (yes reddit shut up we all do it) bc I'm trying to figure out the best time & way (or even IF I should) to tell FP I'm an alcoholic.

I would estimate about 98% of the responses were "RUN GO THEY'LL FUCK UP YOUR LIFE" and then op would be like "but it doesn't affect our relationship, they respect me and dont drink around me, they are safe ab it, they havent prioritized alc above me, i am willing to set boundaries to prevent codependency and enabling, they are the perfect partner otherwise" and then replies would say smth like "it doesnt matter, ALL alcoholics lie and manipulate, you are being gaslit, they dont actually love you they love that you let them drink, run away before its too late"

And that would be coming FROM someone who's actively in RECOVERY

Like. Bestie. Not everyone is as much of a fuck up as you were ok?? People can be in relationships with alcoholics and it not turn out toxic. Your experience doesn't reflect everyone else.

But the thing is there were some people saying this ^^^ type of thing and they would be down voted to hell. ON A FUCKING RECOVERY SUB. What the fuck are they teaching people in AA??? Bc it sounds like theyve been brainwashed into believing they don't deserve love, or to have their needs met, or to have someone even CARE about them unless they're 100% sober.

What a fucking life to live, to believe that about yourself. That you don't deserve to have someone try for you if you're trying too. When you're literally suffering from a fucking disease. That you have to be lonely until you recover (and forget about relapsing hahaha that's not ok at all you better feel ashamed about it) or die

No wonder people are usually on their fucking high horse and shitty people to be around after going through twelve step.

y'all I actually think addiction might be more or equally as stigmatized as cluster B personality disorders

[black-streak]

Saturday night's alright for fighting (but Sundays are meant for rest) - Deprived

Part 13

In case y'all forgot, their entire relationship started with sleeping and cuddles. If you're sick of reading about it, I don't know how you made it this far. Last! Bit! Until the bet's end! Warning, it might take me forever to write part 14. Thoughts are always loved.

Tags!: @emjrabbitwolf @mystery-5-5 @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @fandomkitty8 @dast218 @silvergold-swirl @shizukiryuu . @my-name-is-michell @kurogaya913 @elspethshadow @thecatnipmademedoit @shamefullove @ladylucina28 @crazylittlemunchkin @rayray384 @cassiejaydee @yuulxd @ladysblackcat @naclychilli @caffeinetheory @persephonebutkore @fertileleaf @hypnosharkrebeldreamer @weird-pale-blonde-person @st0rmy-w1th1n @littleblue5mcdork @dudet @naoryllis @disneyfoxuniverse @lordsmeldingtonthethird @taoiichii @resignedcatservant @iloontjeboontje @a-fan-fighting-for-equality

~---~

Missing someone starts simple enough. You raincheck a date or have to cancel a few times because life just demanded too much of you that week. Not that big of a deal, especially for a new couple. Surely the attachment and codependency hasn't settled in too heavily yet. Except maybe you're accustomed to seeing them at least four nights and two days every week at minimum even before dating. Perhaps that person helps with your bad habits and the lack of their presence disperses half your impulse control. There's even a chance that your basic human needs get tossed into a shallow grave with no marker because who really needs food and water and sleep? Those are optional right? But really, to skip all the roundabout half speak, it all accumulated into one basic thought, 'I miss Tim.'

...

"Something I should know about?" Robin spoke, not turning towards her where she landed at his side. 

"Not allowed to follow my bestie every now and again?"

"Tt. I am well aware that I am not your usual choice of company, Tuemessian. Angel's? Maybe. Not yours."

She hesitated a moment, contemplating teasing only to stop herself. She came to confide in him, not annoy and he had already offered the branch. No need to have it retracted.

"Batman decided to tail Red a few days ago."

"Hmm, Red Robin hasn't been on any particularly difficult cases lately. Why would he need the extra help?"

"Because of me."

"We all know you shadow him. No reason to start getting uppity about it now," he paused for a moment before shooting her an accusatory look, "Something must have changed. And you neglected to inform me."

Heaving a long suffering sigh at Robin's tone, she fell against his side.

"Might've gotten on Batman's bad side. And let him see me. And hung off Red."

"So he's babysitting you now," he realized.

"Pretty much."

"And you came running to me in retaliation so as not to be observed," he observed with an unimpressed scowl.

"I will not be tailed by a man in a glorified onesie. It's demeaning and rude," she sniffed, nose turned up in a perfect imitation of Chloe.

"Suppose I should get used to my new patrol partner then?"

"Until Bats gets his head out of where it doesn't belong anyways," she pouted further, "I'm going to miss Red."

"If you plan to whine about it, I won't stick around to hear it," he threatened.

"Yeah right, you love me too much to just abandon me."

"Don't push it."

…

Two nights later, Jason found Marinette sitting on the roof of the manor, drawing in her sketch pad.

"You know Littlewing is out tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Alright sugarcube, what's up? You always follow him on patrol nights," Jason asked, settling behind her and letting her lean back into his chest, taking comfort in the contact, "Unless you're the reason Batsy bitched all of last night?"

"He confronted Tim on why Vixen wasn't following Red Robin anymore. Said that Vixen was his responsibility and he was shirking it."

"And Tim told him to stop supervising his nights out," Jason filled in the blanks, chuckling at the memory, "thought he'd blow a gasket when Tim ignored him after that."

"Red told me he'd let me know when Bruce decided to back off so I could come out again. Followed Robin the last two nights, but it got boring. Taking a night off."

"Yeah, kid's too serious in the suit to be much fun. What you working on up here anyways?"

"New outfit for Kori. Owe her one," she stifled a yawn, concentrating once more on the mechanics of making a crop top that didn't move or lift with your arms up or when turned upside down, without being skin tight.

"And the roof was the best option for this, obviously."

"No distractions up here."

"Or really?"

"Don't even think about it!"

He snagged the sketchbook and took off back through the window and down the hall, laughing when he heard a shriek and the immediate sounds of Mari giving chase.

"Jason get back here with that!"

…

Stephanie dropped into the apartment on a Thursday, taking in the fabric bound chaos of the living area, particularly thick around a work desk that seemingly exploded. Scattered bits of boning, lacing, eyelets, three seam rippers and notably a few chains, sticking out of the disaster. In the center of it all sat a tiny designer with a vicious snarl curling the edge of her lip.

Skipping over, Steph wrapped her hands around and squeezed at the tense shoulders, noticing the concerning lack of reaction.

"Mari, I'm hungry."

"I'll make you something later."

"Hmm, don't think so. I'm calling for pizza. You're joining me and no, work is not allowed during pizza time." 

With that, she dragged Marinette off the chair and into the bedroom, both dropping onto the bed as Stephanie made the call, not needing to ask what the other wanted. Marinette didn't bother arguing, which was only more concerning. Steph wondered for a moment if she should call in reinforcement, but ultimately opted out. 'Nah, I got this.'

"Okay, should be here soon," she stated, relaxing into the comforter for a while, letting the other recover from being abruptly yanked out of work mode; read ten minutes of silence before curiosity won out.

"So what are you killing yourself over this time? Oh! Your suit for the next show? You have to let me see it!"

"No no, that was finished a week ago. You can stop by the studio tomorrow to check it out. You're still coming with me, right? I have a dress set aside for you."

"Obviously. I'm your date. However, that doesn't answer what you were getting so pissy with out there?" She teased, peaking at the other from the corner of her eye.

"It's a corset. Like, an actual, structured, hand embroidered, perfectly laced up corset. My hands feel like a crime scene with how much I've torn into them trying to get this right."

"Oh god, those things are so intricate. You're going to be screaming bloody murder by the end, why would you even do that to yourself?"

"... Haven't been sleeping much, figured it'd help get the frustration out."

"You never sleep much. Hence the sleep cuddle club," she pondered the thought a moment before snickering, "you two could make a business out of that if you weren't already swamping yourselves. Cuddle sessions for the sleep deprived and lonely. Oh! I'll go grab the door. I'm stealing your wallet by the way." 

Stephanie launched out of the room to the sound of a knocking door and a Mari grumbling about it hardly being stealing when you announce it and the owner doesn't care. Walking back in, she dropped the box between them, yanked the top off and grabbed for the garlic butter sauce they ordered to dip the crusts in.

"You're disgusting."

"And you lack respect for sauce. What else is new?"

"... I've been skipping nap time too," Mari muttered, hoping the other wouldn't hear.

"What do you mean you've been skipping naps? That's like, the only time you two ever sleep! Marinette, you cannot be awake 24/7."

"Pshh, more like 23/6. I crash hard on day 7."

"... That's a whole mood. Might I ask as to why you hate yourself so suddenly?"

"My commissions have gone through the roof with award season coming up, and spring weddings start up immediately after that. I might be clientele only, but my client basis is massive at this point! I don't have time and the few moments I've been free, Tim's been out for the night. And lord knows I don't sleep well alone."

"Uh-huh. And how long has this been going on?" Steph focused on the cheese stringing from her mouth that just would not let go, to give the other a chance to build up to tell the truth without having a guilty stare off.

"Um. About two weeks?" Mari flinched, wishing she were Tuemessian so she could disappear right there.

"So what you're telling me is that you haven't slept more than 12 collective hours, you're overworking yourself to the point of compliance to my antics, and your boyfriend, who's just as much of a sleepless wreck as you are, hasn't dragged you off for your regularly scheduled nap dates. Is that correct?"

"Well yeah. Wait, my boyfriend?"

"Don't even try me, I know you and Tim are a thing. No denying it. It's so damn blatant, it's ridiculous the others seem so oblivious to it," Steph rolled her eyes, daintily wiping her fingers off and grabbing a half empty water bottle off the nightstand to drain. A perfect contradiction of uppity and uncaring that only she seemed to pull off.

Marinette could only blink in surprise for a moment before nodding along, "We didn't plan for this," she murmured, half distracted.

"For what?"

"Nothing," she shook her head to clear the thought, "point is.Yes? I mean, we're just really busy and haven't found time and he knows how important this all is to me and even if he doesn't approve, it's not like he can get away to prevent it. Which would make him a total hypocrite if he called me out on it. Honestly, it's not even that bad, I'm catching up on so much now and I'll get to see him soon I'm sure, just as soon as I get through this season and!"

"That's it! I'm staging an intervention! We're finishing this pizza, cleaning you up and then I'm dropping you off at his apartment where you will sleep. Tomorrow the two of you are not leaving the bed until noon at the earliest. No work, only rest. Understood?"

"Noooo, Stephanniiieee, I'm busy!"

"Are you telling me you don't want snuggles?"

"... No."

"Then quit your bitchin, your arguments are lost on me. Now help me with this before I eat it all, itty bitty."

…

It took maybe fifteen minutes to finish the food and get some water down, another twenty to shower and get coerced into wearing cozy black fleece leggings, lavender tank top, and a soft, deep royal purple cardigan, and finally an extra ten minutes to lock up and make it out of the complex.

While Marinette was locked away in the bathroom, Stephanie called up Tim.

"Tell me you're at home. Or can be back in the next fifteen minutes."

"I just walked in?"

"Perfect, I'm dropping Mari off soon. She's like the walking dead right now and that's coming from the Dead Robins Club VP."

"VP…"

"Duh, Jason's the President. Damian's a recruit. Mari's not allowed to become the newbie. She's not even a Robin, it'd make no sense."

"What about Dick and I?"

"You two never actually died, doesn't count."

"Fair… wait, what's going on with ma loutine?"

"When's the last time you slept properly? Or even napped?"

"..."

"So when do you think she last slept or napped?"

"..."

"We'll be there soon."

…

Marinette found herself dragged up to his apartment, the door opening as she was pushed forward into a warm, familiar chest.

Since being dragged from her work, the lack of self care was slowly catching up to her. She hadn't even bothered to pull her hair out of her face, just letting the freshly blow dried fluff fall were it may. She had a vague idea of how they got here, but either way was grateful to find herself warm and held, even if it was in a doorway with the two talking over her head. She caught only snippets: something about not skipping out on each other anymore and a suggestion about living situations that made the body pressed to hers flush. Eventually the two stopped and Stephanie left. A hand pressed to the side of her face and she looked up to Tim who tilted to rest his forehead on hers.

"Hello sweetheart."

"Mon Somnambule," she smiled, eyes closing automatically.

"Think you're beating me there. When have you last slept?"

"Hypocrite."

"That's not an answer."

Mari pouted, not looking like she wanted to answer.

"Have you slept beyond an hour at a time?"

"I can't remember," she admitted.

"Why haven't you slept? You're usually better at self regulation than I am."

"Missed you."

"It's more than that though, isn't it?"

She pulled back and burrowed back into his chest, concentrating on the sound of his heartbeat.

"Couldn't sleep alone. Dark figure stalking me. Brought back bad memories. Became a nonentity for a reason. I do the following now. I make others uncomfortable, observe and toy with them. Not the other way round."

"I took care of that. He won't follow me anymore. You can come back out. But sweetheart, why didn't you call me?"

"Too risky at night with him following you. Too busy during the day. Didn't seem like there was a good time," she admitted.

He frowned, but let it go, gently tugging her arms over his shoulders to clasp behind his neck and placed his hands on the back of her thighs in a prompt to jump up. With her firmly wrapped around him, he made way to his bedroom, sitting down on the edge and pulling back a touch.

"Maybe Steph was right about living situations," he muttered to himself, hushing her when she hummed in confusion.

"Are you comfortable sleeping in that?"

She tugged at the cardigan, accidently getting tangled until he helped her out of it, folding it off to the side. She tucked her face down into the side of his neck and slumped into him completely. Turning them about, he settled her down, curling around her.

"Sleep well, love."

[lunalilith19]

Scott Moir: eclipses June 2020

There have been 2 eclipses in June, and both impacted Scott’s chart. As with any transits, without a birth time, we can’t get the full picture or a sense of how strongly these will affect him.

The Lunar Eclipse on June 5 at 15° Sagittarius was conjunct Scott’s Saturn at 14° Sagittarius, which set off not just his Saturn but the aspects connected to it as well ( X   X  ). Lunar eclipses tend to affect you emotionally, internally, and to bring up unexamined issues. Mars at the time of the eclipse was square to the eclipse, so that energy is locked in as well. The effects of this eclipse can last months, potentially until the solar eclipse on Dec. 14:

Transit Moon conjunct Saturn: sense of loneliness and isolation, pessimism. a feeling that you aren’t receiving support from anyone. The true problem is that you’re either cut off from your emotions, or they’re so unpleasant you don’t want to deal with them. Conflict between what you think of yourself and what you think you should be. Might activate a sense of guilt about some past event. Relationships with women may be difficult (moon represents the feminine). Not a good time to make decisions that affect your emotional life. 

Transit Sun opposite Saturn: Circumstances or other people put limiting conditions on your life. Feeling blocked; trouble communicating. Might feel isolated or lonely, and like you want to be free of your burdens and responsibilities. Even normal daily routine seems more demanding and draining than usual. Low energy and low confidence can cause you to take things too personally and make you feel disappointed in yourself. May be frustrating, but learning to define and manage yourself and your goals more effectively with patience is the lesson. 

Transit Mars square Saturn:  You may be especially impatient with protocol, traditional ways, and rules that seem oppressive. The harder you pursue your goals, the more resistance you face. Circumstances may delay or prevent progress. Frustration and anger need to be safely expressed.

Patience and plodding hard work will get you there - you’ll encounter obstacles if you try to move too fast. Risk taking or trying to force things will only worsen any problems. Not a good time for fighting to conquer new ground. Better to prepare and strengthen your defenses rather than feeling negative or inadequate. There may be unfinished business from the past or details that you overlooked that may come back to haunt you. .

Taking responsibility for your mistakes and being disciplined enough to fix them will help you overcome how you hold yourself back. You are effective dealing with important matters when driven by a reasonable goal.

The Solar Eclipse today on June 21 at 0° Cancer also directly affects Scott’s chart. The eclipse squares his North Node at 2° Aries and South Node at 2° Libra. The North Node is about your life purpose and the direction you need to go to be fulfilled-- his is about self-worth, standing up for himself, knowing who he is. The South Node is about things you need to release out of your life or do in a better, healthy way-- his is about releasing codependency and not hiding in relationships (more here: X   X )

Transit Moon square Nodes:  Your instincts may be driving you toward a poorly defined vision of the future. You have a feeling that big things need to happen, but may be unclear what path to take or what you’re even aiming for. May feel emotionally pulled in different directions and struggle to know what to choose. Trouble telling the difference between fear and your true inner wisdom when being driven to decide.

A danger of undermining your evolution and growth out of insecurity or insisting that others validate you, rather than taking responsibility for nurturing your own path.

Difficulty in or lessons to resolve problems in relationships with women. You’ll be challenged to express your emotions and sensitive side. Feeling like it’s hard to get the support and cooperation you need, may feel like you have bad timing. lessons around developing backbone rather than feeling negative and defensive. 

Transit Sun square Nodes: May feel comfortable with the status quo for the most part, but a feeling that this comfort zone can’t be sustained forever. You may be complacent in a career path, relationship or some aspect of your lifestyle. Yet in spite of this comfort may also know that time is running out and sooner or later you’ll have to give in and make some bigger changes. Developing toward your greater purpose but obstacles in your way. You may resist making changes and just try to make the best of the situation as it is, but this will not be a sustainable compromise.

Difficulty achieving--  even if you are a driven and goal-oriented person, it is best to slow down. If you try to press things from a place of ego, then one way or another, circumstances will prevent what you want. 

Receiving recognition or achieving what you want may take longer than normal. Your self-expression may be met with oppositions and blocks. Learn from it instead of blowing up- it’s necessary to make careful choices. Difficulties are happening to help you grow up or evolve. There is a transformation of the ego and of life goals that needs to be achieved. 

[catminecraft]

i said this before but joel/bdubs/etho love triangle is so so so underrated. i keep thinking about that scene in secret life where joel was hunting etho down, saying "etho, come out! boat boys, remember?" and bdubs came up to him and said "joel. youre better than this. leave him be." like that shit reflected their dynamic perfectly i think

like. it really really does feel like a situationship in which bdubs and etho are in an ambiguous relationship and theyve been in one since forever (with bdubs being clearly in love with etho), meanwhile etho had a one night stand with joel and cannot stop thinking about it. and joel & bdubs are roommates in this situation (secret life)

i feel like etho and bdubs are clearly devoted to one another in an absurd way, but bdubs is incredibly possessive over etho while etho cares for him more than anything but he doesnt feel like his feelings towards bdubs need to be somehow corroborated by possession of him. meanwhile, joel is kinda exactly like etho is, minus the loyalty- and thats what etho really appreciates about him, that Joel just Does things, feels things on his own, and his affection is not a force of action like bdubs' is. Etho approaches life the same way as Joel does, and when hes with him he feels less confined than when he is with Bdubs. its basically like this

etho - unwavering loyalty, free spirit

bdubs - unwavering loyalty, possessive

joel - loyal to a point, free spirit

like. bdubs wouldnt have been able to betray etho for anything in the world. joel would have been able to betray anyone if he felt betrayed. i feel like this is a virtue both etho and bdubs admire.

bdubs and etho have already proven that they would not be able to survive on their lonesome. they always need someone to be there for them, and in wild life, bdubs playing on this whole "tough guy" agenda is clearly an act to try to emulate that sense of independency; etho, in turn, feeling unsupported, turned to another team, submitting to his image of a stray dog without an owner. but joel has Always been an independent. He is perfectly capable of surviving for a long time without anyone's support, and more often than not, he doesnt seek support outright; in fact, he doesnt seek support because he Needs it, but because he Wants it. Etho and Bdubs seek support because they Need it

in this way, their character developments throughout the series' is a perfect foil;

joel started third life as a literally lone wolf, with his wolf army. he went through the series completely alone, and died alone in battle, but did quite well all things considering. in last life, he tried to ally, but circumstances often prevented him from doing so- again, he spent most of his series solo, and still survived til the last episode, taking a lot of lives in the process. double life prevented him from going solo again. in limited life, his alliances were clumsy, but welcome. in secret life, his alliances were happy, unwavering, a lot less strained. and in wild life, hes literally calling him and gem Family.

etho also started third life alone, with the mindset that he will go to whichever alliance the wind takes him, but it wasnt long til he became codependent on the redwoods. in last life, he allied with bdubs, then tango and skizz; after they were out, he immediately jumped to his next alliance, eventually being taken out by none other than Joel, the Lone Wolf. the Lone Wolf who did better than him. And then, in double life, he was tied to him til the end. Joels independency mixes with Ethos codependency.

Limited life had etho torn through two different alliances which he could not choose between. In secret life, etho fully threw himself into this codependency, completely accepting the fact that on his own, he is nobody; unwaveringly loyal to cleo and grian, no matter if that loyalty would lose him lives, or would lose his tasks. and now, not being able to have that codependency he Relies upon for Survival, he is throwing himself at the feet of random people, begging to be taken in

And Bdubs has always been. Hes always been loyal to a fault, unchanging, willing to risk his life for the ones that he believes will be his allies forever. This is changing in wild life, where he is trying really hard to pretend that he doesnt need these alliances at all, but its very, very clear that he Doesnt think this way. he Needs someone to be there

for all of them, pinpointing the moment where their mindsets about alliances started to change is very easy. for etho and Joel, it was the moment they were paired together in double life. for bdubs, it was when he and joel fell on the battlefield side by side in secret life.

typed out an essay about bdubs/joel/etho love triangle the other day i feel some of you might appreciate it

[holdthosebees]

Reasons: A Study

So. I want to talk about anchors, and parallels, and That Line from mag 167. 

MARTIN: So, when you say Gertrude wouldn’t have been able to go on without a reason-- JON: Yes, Martin, you are my reason. 

First, while we’re all melting down about the adorable queerness of this exchange, I want to nail down exactly what they mean. 

On one level, it’s a declaration of romantic devotion. It seems pretty clear also that what Jon is alluding to is that, without Martin, he wouldn’t be going to the panopticon; he wouldn’t be trying to fix the world at all. Instead, he would be “resigning” himself to “ruling [his] domain,” which is a fancy and way of saying ‘going full Beholding, turning full monster, and spending the apocalypse siphoning the suffering out of his victims. In short: having Martin around, having someone prompting him keep moving in a semi-linear fashion towards a concrete goal, and having a relationship he cares about protecting is what’s keeping him human. Or, as close to human as he can get, anyway. This is... complicated. There are people who are reading it as super romantic, and I get that! I don’t in any way want to say that they’re wrong, and this post isn’t about how Jon and Martin’s relationship is secretly Bad and Doomed or whatever. But TMA has consistently shown itself to be a show willing to dive into the messy bits of relationships between traumatized people, and ‘this one person is the only thing keeping me from spiraling into monster hood’ is definitely messy. 

There are a few parallels that immediately spring to mind, and I’d like to go through them one by one.  First: the obvious parallel, and the one that most people are drawing, is to Martin’s line in 158:

[MARTIN]: And then Jon came back, and suddenly I had a reason...

This is a line I see quoted out of context a lot, in the ‘tumblr likes to take bits of text and mash them together to make moodboards’ way. Often, in more Jon/Martin-y contexts, the sentiment behind it is filled in based on the line that came before it: “Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.” The implication drawn, then, is that Martin is saying that Jon coming back gave him a reason to live.  That is, however, not actually what he’s saying! This quote is actually rarely quoted in its entirety; what Martin actually says, specifically, is

[MARTIN]: And then Jon came back, and suddenly I had a reason to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

By drifting further away, he doesn’t just mean from Jon--he’s talking about his choice to keep working with Peter, to keep pushing himself into the Lonely. Jon coming back, in context, didn’t so much give him a reason to live as it did give him a reason to sacrifice himself. He was still aware that he was losing himself, and might wind up dying; Jon being around just made that feel meaningful.

This, I feel it should be noted, is exactly what Elias was counting on. Martin made the choice to continue on his own, to try to jump on the grenade without telling anyone that it was there, and this turned out to be a huge mistake. It was one heavily influenced by grief, by trauma, and by the impact the Lonely had already had on his mind. 

It was also the exact opposite of what Jon’s saying now--except for the ways in which it isn’t. They both cite one another as their reason for working towards a goal that they know might be impossible, because the act of protecting each other gives meaning to a potentially meaningless existence. For Martin, though, that meant courting avatar-dom, while Jon is trying to push it away. For Martin, this singleminded devotion turned out to be unhealthy; his prioritization of what he thought Jon needed from him over his own wellbeing wound up causing both him and Jon a lot of grief. And as for Jon...

Well. We don’t know yet. Jon and Martin are alone together in a horrific apocalypse landscape, so singleminded devotion is kind of par for the course. Martin is literally the only good thing Jon has left in the world, so I’m not going to say that he’s wrong for using Martin as a grounding point. And we know, from previous seasons, that focusing on building positive, trusting relationships is one of the things most effective in maintaining humanity! 

At the same time, though, there’s another parallel I’d like to talk about--and that’s the parallel between Jon and Martin’s relationship and Daisy and Basira’s.  The first thing that “you are my reason” pinged for me, right off the bat, was the memory of Elias calling Basira Daisy’s last tether to humanity in season 3. Their relationship for the latter half of season 3 mirrored Jon and Martin’s season 5 relationship in a number of ways; mainly, the more monstrous partner (Daisy, Jon) who’s thrust into the thick of things (fighting monsters, trying to manage the Beholding) to protect the human partner (Basira, Martin), who meanwhile is anchoring said monstrous partner to their humanity while basically hanging out and making big picture plans anti-Elias plans. 

It’s not a perfect parallel, obviously, but the dynamics are there. They’re both avatar-human relationship based around that idea of a single anchor point--and, whoo boy, did Daisy and Basira problematize that dynamic. Daisy killed people, and Basira turned the other way. The fact that Daisy was so reliant on Basira to act as her moral compass means that, in the cases where Basira didn’t interfere, her own moral compass degraded. Her reliance on Basira to anchor her meant she wasn’t anchoring herself, and, combined with Basira’s enabling, that lead her down an extremely slippery police-brutality lined slope. 

Why is this relevant to Jon and Martin? Because the justification Martin gave when trying to convince Jon not to feel guilt after Not!Sasha--that it’s fine to kill monsters, as long as you aren’t going after innocents--is extremely reminiscent to how Basira and Daisy justified Daisy’s actions for a long time. 

In Mag91, when preventing Daisy from murdering Jon, Basira tells Daisy that she’s always known what Daisy’s been doing, but she was alright with it, because she thought Daisy just killed monsters. Like Martin turning Jon’s tape over to the archives crew, she steps in once she realizes that someone she thinks of as a person is also in danger. Later, when confronting Jon, she seems to draw a firm line between Daisy’s actions, which were compelled and so required no guilt, with Jon’s actions in going after innocents. Compare this line from Martin, in Mag166:

[MARTIN]:  This isn’t like it was before! We’re not talking about innocent bystanders in cafes here, Jon; these things are - th-they’re just evil, plain and simple, and right now they’re torturing and tormenting everyone! If you want to stop them and have the power to, then - then, then yeah, let’s do it, let’s go full Kill Bill!

Once again, we’ve got a clear black and white moral boundary: if you want to kill monsters, that’s fine, because the things you’re killing aren’t human. There’s the differentiation between compelled attacks on innocents, and the choice to go after things that are evil. Both Martin and Basira brushed aside their partner’s guilt, on the basis of compulsion; both Martin and Basira encouraged them to use their powers to go after monsters, which they considered morally justified. The circumstances are different--Basira didn’t want Daisy to die, while Martin wants Jon to stop blaming himself for the end of the world--but the choices they’re making are in some ways very similar.  

We know where that goes for Daisy and Basira. Basira, while initially Daisy’s reason for staying human, also becomes her reason to return to the Hunt. She, like season 4 Martin, makes the choice to give up on her humanity to save the person she’s anchored to; unlike Martin, nothing stops her before she goes through with it. We’ll have to wait until the Hunt episode of this season to see how it ends, but it’s definitely not going to be happy. 

All of which is to say--it was a sweet moment that shows some great development in their relationship, but if Martin is Jon’s one reason for staying grounded, we have historical reason to believe that this isn’t necessarily a good thing. It is, at the very least, a complicated thing, and something that probably won’t escape the same exploration of codependency, us-vs-them mentality, self destructive behavior, and interpersonal responsibility that has shown up in almost every relationship in the podcast. This time, though, the stakes are even higher--if Jon loses himself, he doesn’t just kill a few people, he becomes what the Beholding intends for him to be. 

(This also isn’t even getting into the weeds of codependency in regards to Martin’s caretaker trauma, and what it means to be relied upon as the sole person keeping another human being grounded and together, or how that ties into the ways in which trust in their communication seems to be slowly eroding over time and under--but that’s another post entirely.)

[seafoamchild]

the decade is ending. i guess i’ll use this milestone in time to reflect about the past ten years. i was 15 when the decade started and i will be 25 when it ends. so much growth has happened and i’m honestly so proud of myself. i graduated high school and college, visited 24 countries, started countless new jobs and moved so many times. the emotional growth has been torturous but so amazing in the end. 

half of high school happened. i was so ugly, insecure, and shy, and i had no idea how to fit in. i was good at school but i remember feeling perceived as having “no personality” because i was so quiet. i had awful skin and no clue how to dress well, or how to do my hair or fix my eyebrows. i lived mostly within my imagination and i spent so many hours on tumblr and polyvore and 8tracks, collecting pretty images and music and dreaming up escapist fantasies. i was such a dreamy, poetic girl with all these artistic hobbies but i could not for the life of me fit in at school and i thought boys would never, ever like me. i did cross country and track and that was the closest i came to feeling a sense of belonging. during the summers i went on a rafting trip in utah and discovered people actually thought i was funny, and i went to france and discovered i was very good at foreign languages. i guess during the second half of high school i developed my tastes in music and books and art, i got pretty into fitness and running, and by the end of high school i finally found my real friends, even though i went in and out of severe bouts of depression which prevented me from feeling like i belonged in the group. 

after high school i had no interest in going to college, but i felt the pressure from my school and my parents. i compromised by taking a semester off to go to bolivia and peru. this was such a highlight of my life. i felt for the first time like i belonged, truly. people liked me, people thought i was funny. nothing could get my spirits down. i absolutely loved roughing it - living out of a backpack, hiking in the mountains, learning spanish, playing cards to pass the time because we didn’t even have cell phones. i can’t even describe how much i loved the three months i spent in south america. i think fondly about this trip all the time.

then came college. i never wanted to go in the first place, and it truly was a horrible experience for me. once again, i did not fit in. i smoked way too much weed and tried all these drugs and thought i was so fucking cool. i wanted to escape reality so bad during this intensely lonely time. i used to get super stoned by myself and just walk around at night, alone, for hours. i felt like i had no friends. i felt like everyone on that campus was so cookie-cutter and basic, and i couldn’t relate to any of them. i dated my first boyfriend, which was such a mistake. because i was so ugly and shy in high school, i had terrible self esteem and i felt immediately attracted to anyone who remotely “wanted” me. that relationship was terrible. i thought i was in love but i felt so used and manipulated by the end of it. i had no idea how to navigate those types of feelings or how to stand up for myself. i was beyond depressed and constantly wished i was dead. my acne was so bad and my room was so messy and i was living such an unhealthy lifestyle. i was snorting adderall and smoking cigarettes. i was doing acid and walking around campus, feeling more detached than ever. i don’t even know how i managed to get decent grades in school.  

i dated my second boyfriend, and he treated me a lot better but we were so codependent and awful together. i felt like such trash and like no one would ever like me at that fucking university so i might as well hate everyone else too and spend time with the one person i could connect with. we didn’t care about anyone except each other. neither of us had any friends. we treated everyone else like shit. the summer after sophomore year we went on a roadtrip up the west coast and we did all these drugs together and went to raves all the time and it was so fun and carefree. all we did was smoke, eat, do drugs, go to concerts, have sex, and watch TV. then i went to tanzania to study abroad for three months, and i finally realized how damaging it had been to live with him in our own stupid alternate reality, willfully oblivious to everything and everyone else. i realized how much i’d been shutting out my own friends. i realized how much i’d missed out on. i realized that i had never had a boyfriend i was actually in love with and attracted to. i’d just been looking for something to fill the lonely, something to assure me i was pretty and good because i could not love myself. i was so miserable in that hellhole university, but dating people gave me temporary happiness. 

i finally broke up with my second boyfriend for good after dragging it out for another six months. i just didn’t know how to end things at all. but i finally did. the last year of college was actually kind of fun. it was so bittersweet. for the first time, i was single and having a good time. i woke up and realized how badly i played myself by wasting so much time being miserable with men, and i was so angry and bitter about this. instead of being alone all the time, i took dance classes and went out to the bar every thursday night and partied and had a lot of fun. i felt like i should have been having fun like that throughout college. but oh well. i didn’t want to die anymore, but i still wasn’t very happy. i remember drinking entire bottles of wine by myself in desperate attempts to feel something. 

after graduating college i felt so liberated. i felt pretty that summer. i lost a lot of weight in tanzania and i didn’t have my chipmunk cheeks anymore. i bought a one way ticket to europe, where i had the time of my damn life. i lived like a dirty vagabond, sleeping on random people’s floors and drifting from place to place. i hooked up with a lot of men. i went wherever the wind took me. i felt so alive and invigorated now that i was no longer trapped in the university bubble. i felt like i wanted to just travel forever. i eventually got tired of it, gained weight, felt ugly again, and ran out of money. i fell head over heels in love with sam. i really felt like i had found “the one”. he was cute, he was funny, he was outgoing and my friends and family actually liked him - they hated my other boyfriends. 

i thought i had found my confidence but i really hadn’t. i was still really insecure. i had not recovered from my experiences in high school and college. my stint in europe was a refreshing rush of adrenaline, but it did not fix my issues deep down. i was a jealous girlfriend. i did not know how to communicate my feelings. i still did not know how to stand up for myself. i kept everything inside. 

there was a brief time - when i went to spain to get my TEFL - when things felt almost perfect between sam and me. we were so happy there. he had lots of friends, i had lots of friends, we ate and drank and partied and went running and just felt so optimistic about our future together. when we moved to vietnam together i ended up feeling so hopeless and sad. things fell apart rather quickly, but i convinced myself to hold on. within the first two months of being there, i had this voice in the back of my mind telling me i should break up with sam, that it wasn’t going to work out. and i was RIGHT - but i didn’t listen to myself, as usual. i let it drag on and on. i thought it would get better. and it didn’t, of course. i felt cheated again. i had not had a good time in vietnam, and i felt so bitter as i wondered, would things have been better had i gone there alone, without sam? would i have made more friends that way? would i have found a niche? there is no point in wasting time wondering what could have been. there is only what was. i only wish i would have been strong enough to just end things with sam instead of hanging on for so long - but was i wrong to hope things would get better for us? i was learning life lessons and i can’t get mad at myself for that.

in retrospect it’s so clear to me i should have never gone to new zealand with him. i should have listened to myself, because i always knew i didn’t want to go there. but i did not listen. i was desperate to feel what i had felt for sam before, during happier times. but i would never feel that way again. i went to new zealand and i was literally suicidal. i didn’t know what i’d done to deserve everything to go so wrong. i was so mad at myself for allowing the whole thing to happen, and for ignoring that fact that sam and i had been miserable together for months and months - we just chose not to accept it. we chose to blame it on being in vietnam, on not having friends, etc. but it was really just us. 

as awful as that time was, it’s a part of my story now. it was a transformative time and i laugh about it now - living in a car, breaking up on valentine’s day, sharing a kitchen with 60 people. so ridiculous that’s how we ended up. now it’s the end of the year and i feel so much life inside me. i want to keep living. i laugh so much every day. i have an amazing roommate who feels like a sister, i have so many friends, i have so much fun at my jobs, i finally have a place to call home. i have not slept with a man in 9 months because i haven’t even met anyone i feel attracted to. i finally feel like i know my worth. at least i hope so. i feel confident. i have been through so many lows that the highs feel so good. i am ending this year and this decade on a very good note and i am so glad.  

[babygem]

tl;dr 2018 sucked but 2019 will be better

i had an epiphany that i was going to do a better job of being like, nice to myself and i was going to be more connected to the people i love and try to move on and heal from all the garbage that has happened to me and stop wallowing in pain and regret because i deserve to let myself be happy and i owe it to the people who care about me to at least try and care about myself.

this all culminated from me actually speaking to my best friend after a semester of isolating myself and thinking i was going to annoy or bother her by reaching out. and she just reminded me how much good there is in the world and how lucky i am to have people who love me. and i thought that if someone like me could be loved by someone like her (pure sunshine, the most grounded and lovely and caring person i have ever known) then there must be something about me that’s worth loving.

we had a really long talk tonight about how we were both struggling in 2018 to connect and remain emotionally present, which was really shocking for me to hear from her because she’s always so positive and motivated. she doesn’t have any kind of mental illness as far as either of us know so it really affected me to hear that like, the thing i was struggling with wasn’t just a depression thing, even if that did make it worse. it was just a person thing. i had kind of sensed that she was going through it but i didn’t want to reach out because i was afraid i’d unload all my problems on her and make it worse. so i thought it would be better to keep my distance and it really backfired. turns out she was thinking the same thing, which is crazy.

2018 was crazy difficult for me. i went through a lot with regards to my family especially, but also with friends and [redacted]. even though i was spending more time with my friends and family, every interaction i had with another person left me feeling really weird and isolated. i didn’t feel like i was as normal as everybody else and i was really afraid that everybody could tell. i felt really lonely because even though i was going to the public university in my hometown, i don’t know anybody there. all of my friends were either going to a different university in our city or one in another city entirely. very few friends from high school tried to keep in contact with me, and my severe severe anxiety prevented me from reaching out because i was afraid that they wouldn’t want to speak to me. i felt very lonely and weird and in limbo. and a lot of self destructive tendencies surfaced from that. i was actively sabotaging my relationships to my family and to the few friends i had left. i was trying as hard as possible to keep all of my friendships surface level because i didn’t feel comfortable sharing anything of substance.

even knowing that i had friends i could rely on who care about me and who i care about so deeply, i still felt really detached from them. their lives were made up of so many little normalcies that i couldn’t participate in because of the way i grew up. i felt like i was a weird monster staring inside a window at people living their normal lives. i didn’t feel like i would ever catch up to the social lives of people my age.

i think i really just needed to be reminded that there was a person in the world who knew all of this - who saw that i didn’t quite fit in and i was always trying too hard to; who knew about my depression and anxiety and didn’t allow it to inhibit their ability to love me; who has always been patient and has always been there for me; who knows how i grew up and still loves me; who has seen all my worst moments and still loves me - and didn’t judge me for it. it’s wrong to treat your friends like therapists. but there’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of support and receiving it. there’s nothing wrong in needing to be reassured that you’re not imagining this friendship in your head. that someone has known you this long and still loves you.

i feel awful that i wasn’t able to support her in the way she needed because my own anxiety got in the way. i have this constant fear that i care more about other people than they care about me. and i’m always worried that i’ll come off as weird or codependent or clingy if i express attachment. but tonight just talking it felt like breathing again. that’s dramatic and cliche but that’s what it felt like. i think everybody in the world has a person that instantly makes everything better. a person with whom you don’t have to agonize over how you communicate because they get it. they get you. we get each other. and it was just. really really nice to be reminded that she cares about me just as much as i care about her. that i’m not projecting anything into our friendship.

all of this to say: i just am really actively going to try to make 2019 a better year. i wasted a lot of time last year putting myself down. i was going through my 2018 diary and it’s proof of that. it’s page after page of suicidal ideations, insults, reinforcements of anxiety, and general negativity all directed at myself. i was bullying myself last year. i wasn’t taking care of myself the way i should have. i was letting my mental illnesses overrun me. i was forcing myself to obsessively fixate on things from the past that can’t be changed. and even though life was really hard outside of my mental illness, i was giving into negative patterns instead of growing from them. i had to be reminded that i’m not as awful as my brain makes me out to be. i’m a person who tries really really hard to be good. that’s worth something. i deserve to be loved, and to treat myself kindly, and to be as forgiving with myself as i am with others. and i hope i can translate these thoughts into my actions.