#You are upset that you missed out on a cool and fun childhood experience because you were a girl and not a boy.

[clit-a-cola]

Girl on twitter posting comics about "transmasc dysphoria" and it's just about how she didn't get to play video games as a kid and that makes her sad

The added "this is totally not girls like x/boys like y" but then says it's upsetting to know video games weren't marketed towards her cause she wasn't a boy and it's like

I feel really bad for her but also it's like.....I can't understand not seeing the forest for the trees here like.....girl....

[boldlyvoid]

One Night Til Forever

18+ Spencer x Reader

REQUEST: idk if this would necessarily be a request but i’ve always had this fun thought about spencer talking about how he can’t believe he���s never had sex and he’s like idk season 1 and his best friend is his same age and she’s like wdum i don’t think it’s a big deal when it happens it happens and spencer is so shocked because he thinks she’s always so cool and doesn’t care about anything/what ppl say so he’s always thought she’s had sex before and then they have cute awkward funny first times together

warnings: drinking, virgin spencer and reader, first times, penetrative sex, protected sex, love confessions, friends to lovers

word count: 2.3k

Derek and Elle always made it look so easy. They could walk up to anyone, even at a bar in the middle of nowhere like this one, strike up a conversation and end up going home with them. It was wild… how could two strangers have not only enough confidence to go home together but how did they make it seem like nothing at all? As if it wasn’t the scariest thing in the world to Spencer.

He lets out a deep sigh and relaxes against the bar booth. “I’m never going to understand how they do it.”

“Do what?” Y/N has no clue what he means.

“Have… sex,” his voice drops to a whisper. He treats it like something to be ashamed of like they’re doing something they shouldn’t.

“Did you skip so many grades that you missed sex ed week?” She teases him, “do you need a tutorial?”

“No, I mean how can they go home with someone who they don’t know? How can someone like them that much from seemingly nothing?”

She shrugs, “it’s normal for them, I guess.”

‘For them’ his mind gets stuck on her words. “Yeah… I don’t think I ever could.”

“Maybe one day I’ll be confident… but at the same time I don’t date for nothing if I’m with someone I want it to be a long-lasting thing, not a one-night thing,” she explains. “Especially for the first time, it should be with someone you know some-what well, who you trust and really want to do it with. We're not giving anything to someone, we're just picking the right person to experience something new.”

“You haven’t either?” It slips right out.

“Well, no,” she admits. “But I was talking about you, I just meant that I get it.”

“I would’ve never known,” Spencer looks at her carefully, “really? I expected you might have in high school after... all the stories I’ve heard from you.”

She laughs, “no, no, I was just present for a lot of the crazy stuff, I was never close enough to anyone to lose my virginity back then and then I got busy and now I just don’t care?”

Spencer stirs his drink with the straw, “I try not to care, but it’s hard not to when I feel so different already? I never had a normal childhood, I missed out on prom and high school parties and I was too young for college parties… and now I’m a 24-year-old virgin and it’s so visible.”

“Should we have sex?” She drops it like a bomb.

He stutters, turning bright pink and then starting to laugh while making horrified eye contact with her. Part of him thinks he heard it wrong and the other half of him thinks she’s doing it cause she feels bad for him, “no?”

“Oh,” he’s visibly upset. “Yeah, I get it. It would be weird, we’re co-workers and all our friends are the same people so if it didn’t work out it would be bad… and it would be awkward cause you probably don’t feel the same way I do anyway.” Her voice drops at the end so that he can barely hear it.

But he does.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, you said I wouldn’t feel the same you do, what does that mean?” Spencer questions.

“Nothing, really,” she lies again. “But the offer still stands… we could kill two birds with one stone.”

“Can I buy you a drink first?” He smirks at her quickly, “I’m going to need one…”

“Shots. I need at least 2,” she agrees, reaching out for his hand and taking him towards the bar.

They order some tequila, she laughs at his face as he takes the shot with salt and lime, cheering him on as he coughed slightly but went for the second one. He takes her hand as soon as the glass is back on the counter, dragging her to the dance floor and pulling her in close to dance.

She laughs but wraps her one hand around his waist and takes his other in her hand, dancing with him like an old couple in the 40s, barely touching but still sharing a moment. “Having fun yet?” She bugs him.

He nods, “yes, thank you.”

“For?” She stares up into his eyes.

“You make me feel normal.”

“You are?” She doesn’t see him as anything else. “You’re my Spencer…”

“Yours?”

“Yeah, my best friend, my interrogation partner, the Miss Daisy to my Hoke Colburn,” she teases him, it's a constant thing whenever she drives him in to work. He's Miss Daisy. “I love spending time with you.”

“You offer to drive me everywhere,” he reminds her for the millionth time. “And I’m pretty sure it’s because you like to talk to me.”

“Absolutely,” she smiles. “Who else’s going to tell me that cats can't taste sweet things or that there are 11 Finger Lakes in New York?”

“Can I tell you another fact?”

She nods, “please do?”

“Did you know that if you have a crush on someone for longer than 90 days, you’ll never stop liking that person? It’s become such a routine to gain serotonin in the brain when around that person, that you will do anything to keep seeing them,” he explains all while his gaze drops to her lips.

“Did you know that seven seconds is the optimal kissing time to ensure healthy relationships?” She retorts.

He leans in, meeting her halfway as their lips collide. It’s soft, they both breathe each other in as they stay there, happy and content with their favourite person on the other side of the kiss. It’s taken a year for him to gain the confidence to do this, and now he never wants to stop.

As they relax into the kiss, he gets more confident, following her lead and making out with her in the middle of the dance floor. Their bodies move to the song, grinding together as their mouths become acquainted with one another. He’s always wanted to do this with her, and now he gets even more.

—

They keep kissing in the taxi on the way back to the hotel, she tosses a leg over his lap and grinds lightly against his bulge, trying desperately to bite back her smile.

This was all she’s ever wanted… she’s dreamed of the day she’d get enough close to someone that she could experience this, and of all the people in the world, it was somehow Spencer? Her little crush on him has lingered in the back of their friendship the entire time, but she never thought it would happen.

At first, it was because he had such a crush on Ethan that he was heartbroken the first few months they were at the academy, she couldn’t pursue him when he was so sad. Then he moved to having a crush on JJ which never panned out, it wasn’t until Y/N joined the team that they stopped bothering him for striking out. Pun intended.

As soon as the team saw Y/N look at Spencer, they knew she liked him. The teasing switched, they stopped bothering him and moved their focus on getting her to ask Reid out finally. She never wanted to fuck their friendship up, or the team dynamic— god forbid she had to leave the best job she’s ever had because she can’t look at him anymore.

There’s a cough that pulls her out of the moment and away from Spence, “we’re here,” the cab driver announces. “It’s $23.50.”

Spencer reaches into his pocket, pulling out some change and handing it to the man. “Thank you,” he opens the door, extending a hand to Y/N and helping her out too.

He doesn’t drop her hand, he leads her into his building and towards the elevator, “are you sure?” He asks once they’re inside.

She nods, “I would very much like to have sex with you, Spence,” she teases him gently. “Are you sure?”

He nods too, waiting in silence as the elevator reaches their floor and ding open, he follows her down the hall to the rooms they had booked for the case. She takes him to her door, knowing that Spencer was partnered with Derek and she was with Elle, who wasn’t going to be back that night.

“Can I ask you something first before we go in there and everything changes between us?” He spits it out before she can unlock the door.

Her heart drops and she’s suddenly scared, “sure?”

“How come you’re not nervous? I don’t mean to be sexist or anything but… aren’t girls supposed to be really scared and cautious the first time?”

She laughs at his absurdity, “I’d be scared if you were anyone else… I’m never scared when I’m with you.”

“And you don’t mind that I’m terrified?” He holds his hand up to show how badly he’s shaking.

“Let’s go sit down,” she takes his keys from her pocket and opens his door for them.

She takes his hand again and pulls him inside, closing the door and locking it once more. She kicks her heels off, places her clutch on the table by the door, “come on,” she takes his hand again and tugs him into the room more, towards the bed.

They take off their layers, stripping down to their underwear and cuddling close together under the covers, she has a hand on his cheek as she looks up into his eyes with a smile, “you’re my best friend in the world Spence, we can do it whenever you’re ready, even if thats in a week or a month or a year… Or never even.”

He sighs and looks away quickly, “I know you’re my best friend. That’s why this sucks.”

She takes that moment as a sign, thinking this was her chance to tell him and that this was his way of sharing his truest feelings with her anyway.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

His attention whips back to her, his eyes wide and glossy, he looks like he doesn’t believe that she just said that.

“I mean it, I would date you in a heartbeat,” she repeats herself. “Not just to fuck you, not cause I feel bad for you, but because you are my best friend but that’s only the beginning of what we could be.”

He lays his hand delicately on her cheek, caressing her bottom lip with his thumb slightly, “I love you. I have for a long time.”

“Really?” Butterflies erupt in her stomach. “I thought it was just me who felt this way.”

“Hotch tried to tell me you had feelings for me,” he blushes, “I didn’t think he was right… how long have you liked me back?”

“Honestly,” she takes a deep breath, “the whole time I’ve known you. You’re so handsome and sweet, how could I not?”

He leans in and kisses her again, breathing her in and leaning them back against the pillows at the same time. He hovers over her, kissing her ever so gently that it feels like heaven.

Her hands wander his back, and she pulls him down closer, spreading her legs and letting him settle between them. Taking their time takes priority, he’s gentle and soft, and it’s all she’s wanted.

Clothes come off, she’s had condoms in her drawer for the off chance she slept with someone, she never expected it to be Spencer she put it on. They’re both giddy, smiling every time they look at each other and sharing kisses in between.

“Ready?” Spencer asks, hovering over her again and looking between their bodies. She nods, giving him the go-ahead while he pushes in slowly.

It’s a tight fit, not the most comfortable but it feels better when he starts to rub her clit at the same time, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” she feels breathless, swallowing sharply and gripping his shoulders tighter.

When he bottoms out, she wraps her legs around him and pulls him back into a kiss. He’s completely inside her, chest to chest, closer than ever before. It’s glorious, he starts to thrust slowly at first, building as they go, even their kisses get sloppier as they get more and more desperate for each other.

It’s quiet, all they can hear is the springs of the bed, the headboard bumping the wall and the heavy breathing between wet lips. She can’t help but let out a moan, back arching slightly which changes his position and lets Spencer fuck her even deeper, “fuck, Spence…”

He reaches behind her for a pillow, stuffing it under her lower back and pushing her knees up to her chest. She is shocked, he’s so good at this already, he’s not timid anymore as he sees the effect he has on her. He rubs her clit with his thumb, edging her closer and closer.

She reaches for him, cupping her hand at the nape of his neck and pulling him back into a heated kiss. She moans in his mouth, making his hips sputter with overwhelming attraction. He breaks the kiss to kiss her neck, burying his face there, kissing her skin and pounding into her quicker.

It’s all so overwhelming and then he sucks one of her nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the nipple.

She cums unexpectedly.

“Spence, oh my god,” she quakes as she cums. Louder than either of them expected, sending him over the edge too.

His hips sputter and then still as he cums with the most beautiful moan in her ear. He wraps his arms around her, between her back and the mattress, holding her tight and kissing her neck and shoulder while muttering thank yous.

She giggles, “oh my god…”

“We did it,” he can’t stop smiling, still inside her and snuggling into the crook of her neck. “Holy… we’re not virgins anymore.”

“Nope,” it’s so funny in their shared euphoric high. It’s so funny to them that they can’t stop giggling together.

He pulls the pillow out from under her, they get more comfortable but they stay together. “I love you,” she sighs, relaxing against the mattress again and rubbing his back as he lays on her chest, content as ever.

“I love you,” he smiles, “thank you.”

“Thank you,” she smiles right back, pressing a kiss to the top of his sweaty forehead. “This was exactly why I waited.”

Permanent tag list

@goldensonlyangel @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @shemarmooresfedora @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @blanchardsbk @measure-in-pain @dreams-in-blxck @doc-padfoot @nomajdetective @xoxospencerreid @mggswhorificlover @dinonuggets1967 @meganskane @kya-li @reidsbookclub @muffin-cup @one-sweet-gubler @shirleyrose @reidsacademia @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @spooky-goob @strawberryspence @thatsonezesty13 @lonewolf471 @a-mended-pact @ssa-uglywhore27 @hotchandspencearedilfs @venomsvl

@fightingdragonswithreid @mortallythoughtfulgurl @bohemianrhapsody86 @allybatch @crypticcorvidinacottage @reidslibrarybook @mrsobrien888 @malindacath @simplyparker @gspenc @spenciesprincess @mrskatpotter @starrylang

@hotched @mrs-dr-reid @wander-lustbabe @m-mhotchner

[lutawolf]

Love In the Air Ep 9 Review & Running Commentary

We are now entering into the territory of Sky and Prapai. Be prepared people because there is going to be Sexual Assault triggers. I warned about this before but I think a few people really didn't understand. I'm also seeing a lot of people give backlash to MAME which is not cool. MAME does not do this for fun, it's actually therapeutic writing. I think that's one reason why I'm less triggered, I'm used to listening to and reading work by survivors. I'm more triggered when surprised by it, where I don't have a chance to brace myself. Luckily a lot of people have given me support with this.

For those who missed my early reviews, they can be found here.

Lets do this. Anybody else hear "I'm too sexy for my shirt." While Prapai is holding all this shit up and looking at himself in the mirror? No, just me, the old person in the room. Well okay then. Look at little sis with that brat energy. And look at Prapai just putting it right out there. Why? Because he has every intention of catching him. Look at you asking the youn gun for advice. Aren't you just in unknown territory.

I love Sky's facial expressions so much. You always know what he is thinking and at this moment he is clearly annoyed with the food situation. What is it with guys and condiments? Let us pick it up and look at it like it will magically turn into something. Hahaha, must be my imagination. 🤣🤣🤣 How often you thinking of him that you think it's your imagination? And look at Prapai implementing some advice and using that Nong title.

Dead, you mean those flowers, that are right there. Where I can see them. Those flowers you mean. 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry Sky, Prapai got your number. Look at that quick expression from Sky, he can't help but find Prapai just a bit funny. Clearly bribed! "I haven't figured out your eye color even though I'm right here." "Are you color blind?" "No, but love makes me blind"

Trigger warning: Flash Backs: Deep breath. Yeah, that's about the whole of it. He is flashing back to when someone else, once told him they loved him.

PTSD is what occurs in people who have lived through a specific traumatic event or series of events like war, a serious car accident, sexual assault or natural disaster. C-PTSD is the result of prolonged exposure to trauma over longer periods of time, often during childhood. From a PTSD or C-PTSD stand point there are two different types of flashbacks: typical flashback and/or an emotional flashback.  A typical flashback is a sudden re-experiencing of a traumatic event in an person’s life. It might feel like you’re visually seeing the upsetting event over and over in your head, but it’s more intense than just a memory because your senses are typically triggered as well. Sight, sound, touch, and smell. Though the person experiencing the flashback may be safe, they don't feel safe. They are relieving all the experiences attached to that moment. An emotional flashback is when someone who has survived complex trauma feels “taken over” by an emotional experience such as scared, abandoned, helpless, or unsafe. Rather than re-experiencing a specific traumatic event in a relatively short period of time, an emotional flashback, can be quick or last for hours or days, sometimes even weeks. Typically it's when a person experience both that a panic attack will set in because the fight or flight has been activated. Yet there is nothing to fight even though mentally the person is sure they should be.

I want to point out that someone who isn't familiar with these types of flashbacks, isn't going to know how to explain them. It would be like never having ate a food but trying to describe it. Yet MAME describes it perfectly in their books.

So what Sky just experienced would be an emotional flashback. Even though it was relatively quick, we can't be sure he is actually over it. If you recall how Sky acted after having sex with Prapai, that was typical emotional flashback and you saw how long he felt that. Can I say that I'm pretty proud of Prapai for noticing that Sky wasn't okay. He is making his way out of fuck boy status. He's learning Sky and really trying.

Look at Prapai just grabbing Sky's hand. Guys, the fact that Sky isn't already swinging says a lot towards how he views Prapai. He is thick all over so lets cuddle 🤣🤣🤣 OH, Oh, see that face. Sky really does enjoy Prapai's humor. Which leads me back to the previous joke and the likely hood that he understood it to be a joke. Fuck, I love the way Prapai kind of drags Sky along. I love the way he is softly speaking to Sky. Like he is dealing with a timid puppy even though he knows this puppy has teeth.

Could You Be The Wind That Passes By

Aww, look at the cutie fixing his bed head. Meanwhile, Prapai just being amused. FYI in the book Sky dresses like this because of what was done to him. That is a common trait of SA survivors. I stayed in pjs for almost a year after the last assault. Also something that only an SA survivor would think to put in a book. Sorry guys, you might not like this review as much. Onwards. Sky doesn't see himself anything but ordinary but clearly Prapai sees him differently. Look at Sky's reaction to Prapai saying all this then when he gets to sweet lips. Awww look at him building up baby's self esteem. Prapai sees it too, he's so happy. Thennnnn he pushes too far. Dumbass. Haha, I love it, smack that hand Sky. Ouch, don't hurt me sky. Don't talk about yourself like that. First time going on a date with someone so down to earth 🤦🏽‍♀️ Have you even gotten to the date step before? The nipple piercings! Ha! They get talked about a lot in the book.

Prapai reminds me of one of my kids. I'mma poke you till you give me the attention I deserve. I call my oldest a black cat for this exact reason. I also call her a brat in the making. To which she replies "what's your excuse then." Um.. I'm a Sadist. We annoy for emotional damage enjoyment, totally different. Sky's inability to handle Prapai's flirting is so fucking cute. Here, let me just drink this water, I am completely immune to you. You know what. I'mma just leave.

Prapai is simping you guys. He is eating this shit up. He just chases after Sky. Sky is like bitch, I'm not a fuck buddy to your fuck boyiness. Pounce and Bounce 🤣🤣🤣 In the book Prapai is like dude, you knew that was a joke. Oh Oh, we are seeing our first bit of annoyance from Prapai. He wants Sky to know he is serious so he puts on his serious face.

Sky is like, no touchy touchy. I know a guy like you won't commit. You just enjoy the chase. Prapai you is like, dude, I'm not playing! Serves you right fuck boy. Gonna have to work hard if you want treasure.

Rain, you really trying to be upset right now. You really looking around you dumbass. Don't act like you didn't know that home boy was gay. No Rain, it's not obvious that you got bribed. Stupid Rain. It's okay Sky. Prapai, hurry back and pat the baby boy's head. I can't take this sad boy. And there it is guys, it's not that he doesn't like Prapai himself, it's that he can't trust himself to be with anyone.

Trigger Warning: Flashbacks: He dreams of being assaulted by the group. Even though we aren't seeing things, I think the fact that he has a nipple ring in indicates that he is back there. So, this time we are getting a typical flashback. Slight panic attack because it is a flashback dream but believe it or not this will actually help cushion the mind some. Which is why he isn't having a full-blown panic attack. By waking up, the body recognizes the need to not fight so it can begin the calm down process. At this point, I would like to say a huge thank you to the many people who in-boxed me with trigger warnings. NotFree even sent me time stamps. Thank you so much guys 💜💜💜

Aww, look at that smile. You guys, I can't tell you what it means to have someone there to distract you when wake up from a flashback. To have a bit of normalcy. While Prapai is cheesy, he is also giving Sky what he needs right now which is to not feel alone. Yes Sky, you are crazy but I'm here for it. Aww, he blocked his number. You gonna have to work harder Prapai. Ahh the mantra, this too shall pass. It's something I repeat at least once a day.

Look at Payu's face!!! Hahahah!!! Prapai wouldn't have gotten where he has gotten if he wasn't smart guys. It's just that he is a fuck boy and has never applied that intelligence and observation to a partner. Now that he is. Sky is screwed. Prapai cares. Fuck boy has gone simp. Ohh, look at that honesty. He tells him the truth, so he has an excuse to come see him. He likes a challenge Sky, he isn't gonna give up on you. You present everything that a boy like him wants. Face it boy's got a prey kink.

Oh No! Sky is sick! This fucking coconut. I love Sig your honor but seriously. Look how Sky helps everyone. He needs someone to take care of him. Did psycho buy another phone just to talk to his boy?? Niceee. Awww look, somebody is missing somebody. Looks like the walls are cracking just a bit.

These lovely bunch of coconuts, smh. It's okay, I'm sure Sky will get it done. Well at least Sig tried to be caring. Sig, i'm gonna need you to fuck the attitude out of Som already. He's getting on my nerves. Go Sig go!! Love this Bitch. 🤣🤣🤣 I'll go piss him off again. Hhahahaha. Love this Bitch.

Oh baby boy. Damn this is hard because I know what this feels like. The mantra again, this too shall pass. I'm not kidding, I sometimes think that I need this tattooed on me. I'm not even kidding, it's really what gets me through shit sometimes. So why is Sky losing it. Because He has always depended on himself. His mom isn't in the picture, his dad wasn't really there. He raised himself there for he has been lonely and depended on himself, when he tried to depend on someone else, he was abused and let down. He can't afford to run that risk again. I need to hug the baby!

Bunch of coconuts but they are there for their friend. Prapai buying new sims cards every time he is blocked, lol. Look a boy jumping up and heading out the door before fully forming a sentence. Told you guys, Prapai was in love from the first slide in. That walk though, what the fuck is that. Like he got a dick up his ass. You need to practice the concerned walk dude. No dumbass you can't trust him but go head then.

Nope not just sex buddy boy. You head over heels you are. HAHA the part where I called my boyfriend to be dad a bastard. Finally putting in the fucking curse words. Dude, he is so gone for this boy. Fuck that sound mike is annoying. In an ASK recently I explain that in the book Prapai is soul deep in love with this boy and though he is a scoundrel, Sky makes him a better person. He begins bettering himself to be better for Sky and he doesn't even really realize it. He just does it. See, even admits for never caring for a sick person before but for Sky he just does it without thought.

See, he even stopped himself because of his promise to Rain. He isn't a dick you guys. Just a fuck boy but he's getting better. Look at him even cleaning up!!

I liked it! Yeah, he's still a fuck boy. I mean he practiced how to say Sky's name in the mirror. To be fair though, he's never chased someone or really had to flirt. His looks and money have always gotten him laid. Now he has to navigate this weird world since he wants more than that from Sky. I'm looking forward to seeing him grow into a better person. Well, we are at the end. Hope you guys enjoyed! 💜💜💜 Dedicated to @ellaspore and the coconuts mafia

[keijislove]

Hi babe! I was wondering if I could request a Tony Stark x daughter reader? With lots of angst and her being locked in her room because she’s being bullied for her darker skin

(I understand if you’re not comfortable with this)

Safe Place: Tony Stark X Daughter!Reader

I think this turned out a bit longer than I expected.

Sorry :(

I hope you like this, I don’t really have a lot of experience with this matter, so I hope I captured the emotions right!

I AM APOLOGISING IN ADVANCE, THE HURTFUL COMMENTS MENTIONED HERE ARE NOT ONES I WOULD EVER USE IN MY LIFETIME.

GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – YOU DON’T NEED DIMWITS LIKE RACISTS TO DEFINE BEAUTY. YOU WANT THE DEFINITION OF BEAUTY, GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

PUT A STOP TO RACISM.

WARNINGS: Slight EXTREMELY racial comments, mentions of death, toxic relationship, angst, Tony being a little... well, Tony.

Being Tony Stark’s daughter was nearly everyone’s dream. Well, everyone you’d come across at school, anyway. It seemed rational from their point of view – big house, big bedroom, expensive branded clothing, basically an overall exquisite lifestyle coupled with fame of being his daughter which was sure to earn popularity points anywhere and everywhere. A man rolling in that amount of money would make a great dad... right?

You thought differently. Which was one of the main reasons you did not tell anyone who your father really was and your teachers understood your predicament and played along to your story of being an ordinary girl with no scope for coolness whatsoever.

Your mother had met your father a long, long time ago – when Tony was still in university. Of course, he’d left her before he even knew she was pregnant, and they never saw each other again. You didn’t exactly love your life as his daughter. In fact, from what your mother had told you, he was (in your vision) a complete monster whom your mother had the sad misfortune to meet.

It was her untimely death that had forced you to go live with the man who was the reason you were born and the man who ruthlessly left your mother to fend for herself and a baby. You had tried for foster care, but the agents told you that your father was still alive and more than capable of taking care of you – being the famous Tony Stark and all.

So it would suffice to say that Tony was lowkey shocked when you turned up at his doorstep one day with a grudging expression and declarations of being his daughter. He actually didn’t believe you at first and asked you to piss off which confirmed your earlier assumptions about his character – asshole. After you’d snapped at him and showed him all the legal documentations stating that you two were blood-related as father-daughter after all, Tony was even more shocked than earlier.

Though he would rather die than admit it, he felt sad after seeing your fourteen-year-old self standing at his doorstep. He’d missed your birth, your first steps, your first words, he even missed helping you with homework in preschool – basically all precious moments you enjoy with a child. But you made it pretty clear that you didn’t want to be here – something that made Tony’s already overlarge pride swell like a bullfrog and stopped him from ever getting close to you. While you were busy thinking he didn’t want you, you overlooked a small detail – he took you in.

If anyone had the power to bribe an adoption agency to get rid of their kid, it was Anthony Stark, yet he never gave you away. The simple explanation (that he would never, in a million years, admit it to you) was that he didn’t want to lose you – around the only blood-related family he had left.

And so began your life as Y/N Stark. It functioned surprisingly well for your expectations. Pepper was really nice to you and those few occasions when the Avengers came over, you were able to talk to Natasha about ‘girl things’, her presence reminding you of the mother you had lost only too young. You sometimes even asked Bruce for help with homework, too proud yourself to go to Tony. Overall, you stayed out of his way while he stayed out of yours – an arrangement you were both satisfied with.

The worst part was that you never talked. Ever. You would wake up and walk to school, refusing Jarvis’ continued protests of letting you use the self-driving car, came home the same way where you did your homework and grabbed a snack before you ‘father’ came back upstairs from his little man cave in the basement and a small ‘good-evening’ passed between you two as you went your separate ways. This cycle repeated itself every day. Recently, your life at school hadn’t been going great.

You’d known that your skin tone was a notch darker than the others at your school – something you had gotten from your mother – and this was not something you really cared about. That’s when they started coming – the comments. What were originally small, snide retorts of ‘wash your face, ew!’ (A/N: I AM SO SORRY) had now escalated to them calling you obscene names you’d never heard before and asking you to leave ‘their’ school

Which was why, instead of being at school today, you were locked in your bedroom, sobbing into your pillow.

It had started out as a very unusual morning. After getting comments hurled at you left right and centre the previous day, you’d had enough. You’d woken up and declared to Jarvis that you were skipping school and he was to, under no circumstances, notify your father about this. After that you tried to eat some cereal, but the bubbling dread in your stomach made it taste like dry carpet, so you gave up and stomped into your room, locking the door before flinging yourself onto the bed and crying your heart out.

It was in times like these that you felt the need for something – a gaping hole in your chest. It seemed foolish to even admit it to yourself, but you really wanted someone like a parent. Someone who listened to your problems and comforted you accordingly, someone who actually cared about you. And since Tony Stark filled neither of these requirements, you gave up the foolish dream and sunk, once again, into your self-fashioned depths of misery.

-------

Tony casually sipped on his wine, putting one last screw into place to make the latest piece he was testing out. As he powered the device on, it vibrated for a moment before the words ‘model failed’ appeared on the screen Tony was examining.

He swore loudly and shoved it ungracefully aside before running his hands through his hair. There had been many an occasion where Tony seriously considered going to your room to just say something to you that wasn’t a monotonous ‘good evening’ or ‘the milk’s finished’ or something else like that. He wanted to talk to you. To you.

He wanted to get to know the real Y/N – what you were like when you weren’t too busy being bold and refusing to appear vulnerable. As if reading his thoughts, Jarvis’ voice filled the room suddenly.

“Sir, I do believe that Ms Stark is currently locked inside her bedroom. She refused to go to school just this morning.”

“What?” Tony exclaimed, “Why, did she tell you anything else?”

“Just this, Sir, along with a few obscene warnings of not informing you about this occurrence. If I recall correctly, Ms Stark told me she would rip out my sockets with her bare hands had I come to you.”

Ignoring the small smirk that was growing on his lips at the thought of you behaving exactly as he would, Tony wiped his tired hands on a nearby cloth before sprinting out the door and up the stairs to your bedroom.

He knocked on the door.

“Go away Pepper, not in the mood,” came your muffled voice. It was weak and raw – evidently, you had been crying.

Ignoring the poking feeling of dread bubbling in his stomach, Tony knocked again.

“Open up, kid, it’s me,” he shouted.

“Definitely not in the mood, thanks.”

Tony sighed. This was exactly what he had tried so hard to avoid –turning out like his own father. Not knowing how to deal with a daughter properly, he just let you go about your business as you wanted, hoping that it would yield better results than what his childhood had been like. Now, looking back at how much he’d neglected you, he suddenly realised that he had done the exact thing he was afraid of – hurt you.

“Y/N Y/M/N Stark, open the door. Please.”

Perhaps it was the please at the end or the way he acknowledged you as his living, breathing daughter for the first time that made you stagger limply over to the door and push it open.

Your eyes were puffy, red and swollen from bawling nonstop and your brows were knitted into a disapproving frown. It broke Tony’s heart to see you like this.

“Listening,” you sniffed, crossing your arms.

“Okay, why don’t you sit down,” Tony frowned slightly.

You gave another hearty sniff and led him to your bed where you flopped down and watched as he took a seat beside you.

You both sat in a very painful, deafening silence for the next few minutes.

“You didn’t go to school today,” Tony casually remarked as you played with your pillow, refusing to meet his eyes.

“I did,” you said simply.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” Tony offered.

“I really don’t,” you admitted as he burst out laughing and you gave a grudging giggle despite yourself.

“Seriously, kid,” Tony said in an undertone, “You’ve gotta open up a bit more. I mean, it’s been like what, two years since you moved here and you never bother telling me what’s going on. And look where that got you – come on, tell me what’s going on. Is it school?”

“Partially,” you quietly said to which he cocked an eyebrow.

“Completely,” you amended, sighing, “Kids, you know, they’re just being – well, mean.”

“Okay,” Tony nodded slightly, “You want to talk about it?”

“They... they make fun of me,” you admitted, “About – about my skin colour and stuff. And I know I’m being stupid, getting upset over this –”

“It’s not stupid,” Tony broke in, “It’s not stupid at all. Nothing gives anyone a right to talk to you that way.”

“Try telling that to them!” you burst out, final letting go of the pent-up emotions you’d been holding for days, “What did I ever do to them – it’s not my fault I look like this, maybe if I could choose what to look like, I’d choose something they want! Just about everyone seems to have a problem – what the hell do they expect me to do? It’s unjust, unfair, unsettling and unkind, but of course they don’t care, do they?!”

Tony didn’t even flinch throughout your entire outburst until you broke down and tears began rapidly pouring out of your eyes once more.

“Hey, hey, stop, listen to me,” Tony sternly said, seizing your shoulders and turning you to face him.

“You’re a Stark,” he said, gazing you dead in the eyes, “You are beautiful, you’re smart and you’re kind. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

This was too much for you to handle and you started sobbing again – sobs of partial happiness and partial guilt that didn’t look like they would stop anytime soon.

“Come here, kid,” was all Tony could say as he pulled you into a hug, allowing you to sob into his shirt while he stroked your hair, trying to calm you down.

“I’m sorry if I’ve ever been mean to you,” you whispered finally.

“It’s okay, kid,” Tony murmured, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I’m sorry I haven’t been a great father all this time.”

You two sat in a now comfortable silence, occasionally clearing your throats or sniffling a bit before Tony finally spoke.

“If anyone says that to you again, I will have them cut up and fed to the fish in my house in Malibu.”

“Thanks, dad.”

[randombubblegum]

Hey so i kinda have a sad gay life advice ask,,,,, feel free not to answer for any reason ofc, but there was this girl i was best friends with for a good seven years, since childhood, and then around September she just.... Stopped talking to me? I mean we were seemingly fine over the summer, going on trips together and acting close and normal, but once school started i guess she just didn't want me around any more? And tho i know that what i felt about her wasn't quite platonic, idk if it was romantic or what, but i really, /really/ loved her, for years. I cant exactly stop seeing her in my daily life bc we're still in school so thats not fun, and we're both going to be counselors at a camp this summer so whenever i see her or think about that i feel like im going to throw up. But anyways, now ive felt like shit for seven months straight and it hasn't been improving. I keep trying to just get over it but i keep wondering what i did wrong to make her be so disgusted with me all of a sudden. Sorry for dumping or being whiny in your askbox, but idk any gay adults irl so idk where else to ask this. I guess im really saying, any advice on how to get over first heartbreak? Sorry about this

oh this is so sad…… im so sad for you :( im sorry this is happening to you…… im not sure if this will help or make you feel worse but its a really REALLY common shared experience among gay girls to have an intense and emotionally charged friendship with another girl growing up (that may or may not be lowkey romantic) that one day falls apart out of nowhere in a dramatic or upsetting way….. its literally sort of a stereotype just because its something weve basically all gone through?? it happened to me LMAO and its happened to legit every gay girl i know…… so this is a very normal rite of passage almost in growing up and being gay….. im sure that doesnt offer much comfort now but just know youre NOT alone and basically everyone else has also had this friendship

with that context being laid out tho….. its definitely not anything you did or didnt do. i really doubt shes “disgusted” with you….. sometimes these things just happen between friends!!! you having feelings for her isnt disgusting or dirty or a betrayal or anything like that, its totally natural :( its entirely possible or even likely that shes been struggling with similar sexuality issues and theyve sort of spilled out into the air between you two without ever being put into words.

i know its hard and you probably dont want to, but i would really recommend talking to her about this? even just a text like “hey, are we cool? i miss talking to you.” or something vague could open a door, since shes definitely just as aware of the distance between you two as you are. she might be relieved and happy to talk to you again or have the ice broken so yall can talk it out….. who knows!!! you dont need to assume the worst, these weird distances happen between friends a lot and sometimes all it takes to solve it is pointing it out.

no matter what happens with this friendship tho im sorry youre feeling so heartbroken and bad but it WILL pass :( i promise. it might feel like the end of the world now but no matter the outcome youll be okay again, and youll have a happy first relationship someday and this will just feel like a funny bump in the road. im rooting for you :’)

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Jane Foster’s child

Jane Foster x child!reader

Thor Odinson x Foster!child!reader

warnings:

a/n: no not a foster child, jane foster’s child 😌 also im so super glad you liked those!!! hope these are just as good!!! and im genuinely so sorry these took so long

prompt: anonymous: “Hey! I just read the Tony Stark x Potts!child!reader HC and I loved it! Would you do the same but with Thor and Jane? ❤️”

no babysitter = go to work with mom

dr. selvig gave you a rubik’s cube to keep you entertained

“fuck that! here, y/n, you can play my DS” -darcy

“can you not swear in front of my child?” -jane

you thought tonight would be boring, but then your mom and darcy collectively hit a homeless guy with a car!

“holy crap, we’re all going to jail!” -you

“don’t say ‘crap,’ y/n! we need to get him to a hospital!” -jane

ngl this dude was kinda funky

darcy used her taser and your mom covered your eyes, but you still peaked ;)

ride to the hospital

“don’t touch him, y/n”

“sorry, doc”

and the very next day you guys stole him 💕

“mr. thor, where are you from?”

“i am from asgard! it is much different from this realm, but your’s is adequate, i suppose”

“thanks?”

you could see the way your mom looked at him, though

he ate all the pop tarts >:(

she gave thor her ex boyfriends clothes

“yeah, donald was a real ass—” -you

“don’t say ‘ass.’ darcy curses too much” -jane

“sorry, mom...anyways, donald forgot to pick me up from soccer practice like, a dozen times. he sucked” -you

“this ‘donald’ doesn’t seem like a very good man...also, what is ‘soccer?’” -thor

you grabbed a soccer ball and tried to show him how to play but there was some other stuff the *scientists* had to take care of

you were a regular at izzy’s diner (well, mom was) and they always made you cute pancakes in different shapes!!

“ah, it’s a smiley face! that’s adorable!” -thor

“yeah! they like to surprise me whenever i come in. they’re pretty awesome” -you

*your mom literally beaming at how good thor is with you already*

you and thor were drawing on paper placemats

and then he broke a glass and you started giggling hdhshshs

but he had to leave

“no, thor, please don’t go!”

“i hope to meet you again one day, little one. hopefully fate sees it through”

:((((

no time to be sad bc ur mom’s lab got hijacked by the government

“hey, no fair! that’s my diary!” -you

“sorry, kid. there are constellation drawings we have to observe” -coulson

“aw, you draw constellations? wait, not now. you can’t just take all our stuff. especially that! that belongs to a child!” -jane

“sic ‘em, y/n!” -darcy

“don’t listen to darcy, y/n” -selvig

chilling in the trailer and missing thor bc he was the most interesting thing to happen to you and your mom in a while

and you wanted her to be happy even tho he was kind of crazy

“hey, mom? do you want to watch the stars tonight like we used to do? we could make s’mores?”

“that sounds like a great idea, baby! i’ve gotta go take care of some science stuff, so i’ll pick up some s’mores stuff while i’m out. love you!”

yeah she went to go see thor and he kinda got arrested but your mom came back home so you could watch the stars!

“so, do you like thor?” -you

“what? what makes you say that?” -jane

“it’s cool if you do, i think he’s awesome. a little weird, but at least he’s nice”

then thor and selvig came home and selvig was drunk as a skunk

*poking him while he giggles and tells you about thor*

“i wish your grandfather could have met that guy! he would have loved him...i wish you met your grandfather, too” -selvig

thor inviting you back outside

“i’d like you to teach me more about this ‘soccer’”

by the time you guys were done, it was 3am and you were too pumped to go to sleep

so thor told you stories of his home and battle and family

you didn’t want him to stop, you were fascinated by it all

and uhhhh yeah then earth kinda had some vikings show up

they told you that you’d “make a fine warrior one day”

and then yall got attacked by a ????? a what??? a destroyer???????

“get y/n out of here now! they shouldn’t have to see this!” -thor

you were still nearby and saw thor become thor again

after he was done fighting the destroyer, you ran to give him a hug

“that was awesome! can i hold your hammer?”

“maybe someday, little one”

then you didn’t see him for 2 years

which upset your mom a good bit, you had to help her through that episode. lots of sitting on the couch and eating ice cream together talking about how he wasn’t worth her time even tho you missed him too

but he came back! and then your mom sent everything flying bc she had an “infinity stone” inside her and thor took you two to asgard

“y/n! you’ve grown so much, i almost didn’t recognize you!” -thor

tbh you really digged the outfit they gave you, but also you were on another planet? thor insisted on giving you a tour (by flying you around)

“i do hope you’re having fun, little one!”

worrying about your mom simultaneously bc you overheard she was sick

but asgard got attacked and you and jane were confined to a room in the palace, which sucked because you wanted to see it all

but thor sent guards to bring you anything to keep you entertained

“maybe we’ll skip the mace for now, thank you” -jane

after several events that count as child endangerment, this chapter came to an end and your mom and thor finally made it official

loki called you a rodent and then saved your life so you were kinda iffy about him

about a year or two later, your mom had to travel a great deal in order to get some work done, so you were left in the care of thor, who took you to avengers tower

“oh, my girlfriend’s child is an angel! and they’re so intelligent, just like their mother!” -thor gushing to other partygoers

“yeah, thor, your ‘angel’ is sneaking drinks from the elderly” -tony

*sipping his beer* “they’re a growing teenager”

you did have an amazing time interacting with the avengers

and once they tried grabbing the hammer, you knew you had to get in on it (but you failed like the rest)

“don’t worry, my y/n, you have to be eighteen years of age to be able to lift mjölnir!” -thor

“oh, that makes sense!” -you, while thor aggressively shakes his head at the other avengers. he just wanted to make sure you didn’t feel bad you weren’t worthy yet :(

more child endangerment but really what did you expect?

thor went off world and your mom split it off w him but you did have his email so you were still in contact with him

swearing you saw odin on the street once or twice (fast forward)

and then your mom dusted and thor found you as soon as he possibly could, it was so good to see him

he took you in since you were alone now, you moved to new asgard and became prince(ss) of the new land by relation?? makes sense right

basically you and valkyrie made all the calls while thor grieved for years

but he still took care of you

“y/n, would you like to play video games with me? i think it may be a good bonding experience, what do you say?” -thor

“duh!”

uncle korg made you help him with fortnite while thor was asleep

you wished to wield stormbreaker one day

showing thor earth media! his favorite star wars character is r2-d2 dont ask why

he taught you asgardian recipes and you taught him...earth recipes?

when he was drunk he’d ramble on about his childhood and battle and enemies and jane and loki and hela and frigga and literally anything that came to mind

“y/n, could you please get me a beer? and get one for yourself, too” -thor

valkyrie most definitely gave you some battle training so you you blow off some steam, you were glad she taught you how to fight like a true warrior

thor wanted to teach you battle tactics so you could fight alongside him, but he never got around to it

a raccoon and bruce banner visited later on, proposing a way to get your family back, thor was an emotional wreck

his debriefing on the reality stone was tense when he started crying about your mom and everyone stared at you

“hey, don’t look at me. i don’t control the god, i just keep him company”

ending up waiting 1 second for the avengers to come back from their mission, resulting in you being stuck in the middle of a very heavy battle

“y/n, get out of here!” -thor

“don’t worry, thor! valkyrie taught me a few moves!”

“you make me incredibly proud, little one!”

“i’m not so little anymore, am i?”

“you will always be my little one, y/n. blood or not, that will not change!”

victory, but at what cost? it was a rough ride, you needed to get patched up, but your mom was finally home and thor...he decided it was time to leave earth again

“don’t worry, my y/n. i will see you again.” *tearing up* “i’m so glad i got the pleasure of raising you these past few years. i love you dearly, now go be with your mother”

you straight up wanted to bawl your eyes out right there

“well, y/n, you’re next in line for the throne of new asgard. what is your first command?” -valkyrie

“actually, i think you’d make a much better ruler than me. i’ve got to spend some time with my mother now that she’s home”

“you’re so much like him, you know that?”

staying with your mother, who was diagnosed with cancer not long after returning from the soul stone (a/n: jane getting cancer is canon in the comics and confirmed for thor 4)

“i missed five years of your life and now i’m sick, that’s just our luck, isn’t it?” -jane

she was understandably upset, but she also felt guilty

“mom, don’t beat yourself up. everything is okay, we’re still together right now. i won’t be going anywhere, i promise”

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedgiantfavs // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck //

[chibicalzones]

𝐚𝐨𝐛𝐚 𝐣𝐨𝐡𝐬𝐚𝐢 𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐦

⋆° where you transfer schools and join your new high school’s dance team!

...these are also just my personal headcannons if the volleyboys were a dance team instead in which some may or may not be from personal experiences :D 

i was gonna do a fukurodani one first cuz @myhaikyuudump​ ‘s post triggered smth in me but i’ll probs make this into a series!

warning: mentions of bullying but it’s not explicit 

post made by: alex 🍒 

— oikawa

he’s been part of the school’s dance team ever since he was a freshman, which not many can do, and now since it’s his last year, the coach granted him the role as dance team captain 

he loves being captain if that means he can boast about his team that much more, plus he takes his duties pretty seriously 

is literally the type to put “aoba johsai dance team” “ajdt 2020” “dt for life” in every single one of his socials - instagram, twitter, facebook, etc. everyone needs to knows he’s on dance team

as much as he loves his team, they’re more known for and primarily train in hip hop, and he’s part of the handful that is classically trained in ballet

so when competition season rolls around, everyone would be part of the large hip hop dance category that they’re a shoo-in to win, but oikawa and a few others would have to compete in the small categories with 3-5 people in jazz, contemporary, and lyrical. which are usually extremely competitive!

so he’s over the moon to have you part of the team! not only do you blend in with the team so perfectly, he believes that you’re what the team needs to finally win in a category besides hip hop since you’re hands down so talented! 

that way, he can spend his time at nationals actually dancing and not just watching almost the entire time

out of all the members, you probably spend the most time with oikawa 

you expect just as much because you’re both the in the same dances, which is practically every dance. but you honestly do enjoy his company since you and him have a lot more in common, have a similar childhood, than the rest of the members 

oikawa used to dread summer practices and camps but you makes it so much more bearable

would drive you to and from dance practices every day 

all the time that he spends with you, he secretly lets you in on the “behind the scenes” action on being an officer and what he does all year long 

because he’s 100% sure you’ll be captain your third year as well 

is secretly anticipating the national dance pageant so you and him can win Mr. and Ms. Dance together 

— iwaizumi 

he’s co-captain of the entire team but he’s like the unofficial hip hop team captain because oikawa sometimes can’t handle the energy during hip hop practice and iwai just knows the counts better 

he only joined dance team because oikawa dragged him into it but he needed up really liking it by the end 

has casually danced and took some classes over summer to fill his time before auditioning and the odds were in his favor

absolutely loves the friends that he’s made through dance team and is definitely the type to still keep in touch with the alumni after they graduate

he always gets a center moment in every single hip hop dance they do through the years whether it be for competition, concerts, rallies, events - people go wild whenever he’s center!

when you did some research on the school and it’s dance program, you did some snooping on the members page and after watching countless dance videos, he’s the first one that you notice

but meeting him in person was quite intimidating the first time. it took you a couple of weeks before you could actually have a conversation with him with just the two of you

since you hang out with oikawa during dance practices and oikawa hangs out with iwaizumi, you end up hanging out with him a lot too. so you eventually ease up to him

you may be comfortable with oikawa more, but iwaizumi is the one that constantly checks up on you

all these years, he’s seen what oikawa has been through and he sees that in you. he really worries for you because he knows how exhausting it is to be a new member and constantly having to work your way up so you can eventually fill the holes once the third years leave

always takes you off campus to eat lunch or go somewhere to eat after school so you’re energized for practice later that day

he’s the first to give you his number and makes it clear that you can text or call him if you ever need anything

— matsukawa

didn’t expect people to know him for dance team but he’s surprised he’s pretty famous around school

known for the tricks and flips that he does during all their routines 

actually has really good musicality but whenever he choreographs a piece for the group, he doesn’t know the counts 

talks so causally to the coaches as if they were friends but isn’t a kiss up 

thinks summer practices are too tiring and offers everyone to go to his place after to cool off 

strangely enough, you got along with mattsun faster than you did iwaizumi 

when the team started to learn their large hip hop routine for competition back in the summer, you were having such a hard time learning the dance because your body just wasn’t used to moving your body that way

and you didn’t want to bother iwaizumi or oikawa because you knew they’d be too busy looking after the whole team

so during the group’s free time, he would play the music over and over again and practice the dance with you, carefully going through everything section by section 

even gives you an extra key to the dance room so you can practice before school 

you can always count on him for help on any of the dances you’re in together 

yells the loudest whenever you’re on the floor / stage. even when he’s watching from the wings

always tries to make each moment of his last year fun!

— hanamaki

joined the dance team his second year but turns out to be an awesome dancer and makes friends oddly quick

one of the few that auditioned to be part of the smaller group pieces for compeitions and got in

gets a killer turn section and always squeezes in a triple to transition into the floor during improv

despite only dancing for such a short time, agencies have come in contact with him to see if he was interested in signing under their talent agency but he always resigns because that just isn’t for him

all the third years have a solo except for him because he didn’t feel like it was fair that he wasn’t a “third year senior” and that someone else deserves it more

like you!

is amazed at how gorgeous you dance and knows you’ll be gracing the floor with your talent, getting all those gold metals, plaques, and trophies!

he might be a little jealous over you but seeing you being so passionate over the sport makes him work even harder to make himself — and the team — better

absolutely does not and cannot tolerate other people’s bullying towards you. he just doesn’t understand how or why people felt the need to be rude towards you. and have the audacity to voice it out.

one time when he caught a group of dancers from another school talk bad about you, saying nasty things that obviously weren’t true, he snuck behind their back and said in a low voice, “you know those aren’t very nice thing to say” and looks down on them until they run away scared

also deletes any hate comments on the team’s official social pages before you could read any

the very first time you perform your solo, he buys you a bouquet of flowers to give to you afterwards

and then during the end of the year dance concert, he watches you from the wings performing your solo for the last time and he starts to tear up because he’ll definitely never forget this year where he was able to watch you grow

— kindaichi, kunimi, and kyotani 

your #1 support group 

and fan club!

absolutely loves watching you dance

they all joined the same year you did and they’re all slightly jealous of you because damn, how can someone be good at literally everything

it’s almost upsetting >:( but they love you too much to actually be mad

they just have such a deep appreciation for you and what you bring to the team as a whole even though they don’t show it that often

learns a lot from you

when they first watched you dance contemporary and ballet, that inspired them to practice extra after hours so they could be ready for when they have to audition for dances later on the year

the goal is that the trio will be good enough by the time their third year hits and they’ll be the ones on the floor with you performing all the small dances

ever since you guys first met at orientation, you were all attached to the hip in and outside of dance. basically on the same playing field for next three years in terms of fitting in with the team

you’re not in the same classes but you guys all study together at the library on sundays because that’s your only day off

one time, the team was at a competition the same day as your birthday and they paid the announcer to say something like, “happy birthday to our best friend, dance your heart out!” right before they played the music for your solo

and during their last year, they’ll all gather around in the wings as they watch you perform your senior solo for the last time and silently cry together because they’ll really miss you

[carriagelamp]

I read more books this month than I anticipated. I should probably wait before doing a February book round up, but I already feel like I’m struggling to decide which ones to cut from my list so I’m doing it this weekend instead of next. If I read much next week I’ll bump ‘em up into March’s round up

Asterix and the Missing Scroll / Chieftain’s Daughter

I got the last two “new” Asterix books out of the library so I could officially say I had read them all. Over all my opinion is… they’re fine! None of these would ever become one of my favourites, but they’re all fine stories. The art is good, it is completely in-line with the original, and the stories are… fine. I liked The Missing Scroll quite a bit more than The Chieftain’s Daughter but I never find a ~hurr hurr teenagers~ plotline that interesting, whereas I do enjoy seeing Romans get chased down by unicorns so that’s probably not surprising. There’s some spark I can’t put my finger on that the new Asterix books just seem to be missing though… a bit of humour or cleverness or something. Still, they’re fine reads if you’ve been hungry for more Asterix and I’m glad I read them. (Though the library gave me the American translation of The Chieftain’s Daughter, something I didn’t realize until I started reading and realized that this is wrong??? I’ve been reading these books since I could read and I know this is wrong??? What the hell is happening??? The I realized the publisher was different and I simmered in fury the whole time I read it — WHY ARE YOU CHANGING NAMES AND WORD CHOICES IN A WELL ESTABLISHED SERIES THAT ALREADY HAS AN ENGLISH TRANSLATION YOU ANIMALS WHY ARE YOU DUMBING DOWN THE LANGUAGE AAAUGH

The Bride Was A Boy

This one was cute! The Bride Was A Boy is an autobiographical manga written by a transwoman recounting her experience with transitioning, meeting her boyfriend, and eventually getting married. It’s mostly done in a 4-panel style and is interspersed with lots of information about the LGBT community, particularly in Japan. A lot of it was stuff I was already familiar with, but I still found it adorable and a very worthwhile read. it would be a fantastic book for young queer people who are looking for more of an introduction into international queer space

Cul de Sac: Children At Play

Cul de Sac is just a weird, fun newspaper comic series about the children who live in a small neighbourhood. It fully taps into the children-as-semi-feral-chaos-agents, and there’s something hilariously nostalgic about the whole thing. Lots of times when stories try to portray children there’s always something… wrong about it, something that doesn’t mesh with true childhood, but in this comic I can see glimpses of my grimy, dirty-covered self as a preschooler running around the pages. I would definitely recommend trying them!

The Cremation of Sam McGee

I reread The Cremation of Sam McGee and The Shooting of Dan McGrew and man, they don’t stop being buckwild. These are two really famous Canadian poems that were then illustrated by equally famous Canadian artist Ted Harrison. Harrison’s style is gorgeous and distinct and given what strangely grisly stories these poems are they fit the mood perfectly. Everything feels just a little tilted and wrong and unsettling. If you enjoy an occasional poem (especially ones that are super fun to read out loud) and haven’t read these before, I would recommend them! Or do what my teachers did, and read Sam Gee to a young child in your life and watch them be baffled and concerned and horrified.

There are strange things done / in the midnight sun / by the men who moil for gold...

The Gryphon’s Lair

The second book of the Royal Guide to Monster Slaying series written by Kelley Armstrong; I’ve been eagerly awaiting this book! It’s a very cool fantasy series because it really leans into environmental stewardship and the importance of studying animals and conservation so you can find ways to live alongside a healthy ecosystem. In this book Rowan is officially accepted as the Royal Monster Hunter, which means a whole new set of trials and burdens. She has to contend with a baby gryphon that is becoming increasingly large and dangerous, plotting family members, doubt about her abilities, a potential curse, and a daunting quest deep into the mountains in order to set things right. If you’re looking for some very gentle high fantasy, this series delivers.

Hogan’s Heroes comics

What to say here. Anyone following this blog has suffered the knowledge that I’ve been rewatching Hogan’s Heroes lately. When I found out that there was a short-lived, shitty comic series in the 60s? Of course I had to hunt them down. And so I’ve read them! And they sure were a shitty comic series from the 60s! They were, shall we say, of wildly varying quality. Some were actually really funny (like #5, it easily had the best art and best jokes imho), others were a slog, and most were fine and amusing enough to read the whole way through but not much more.

If you don’t know what Hogan’s Heroes is about: it was a 1960s sitcom that took place in a WWII POW camp, in which the Allied prisoners trapped there had a massive, complex sabotage/spy ring right underneath the camp. The whole show is about constantly outwitting the bumbling Germans while keeping up the pretense that they’re all just normal prisoners. The show is hilariously funny and I would recommend that, even if I can’t say the same for the comics unless you’re like me and are just really thirsty for more content...

Magic Misfits: The Fourth Suit (Ripley)

The final book of Neil Patrick Harris’ middle grade series, The Magic Misfits. In this fourth book, the group is fragmented and forced to meet in secret to avoid notice from the mysterious and powerful Kalagan whose cruel machinations have already turned the quiet little town on its ears, putting people’s lives in peril and destroy Leila’s fathers’ magic shop. The Misfits are going to need all their skills to finally unmask this sinister magician and break the mesmerism he seems to have placed over the entire town before it’s too late to save no only the town, but their friendship and trust.

Super charming series, and the illustrations are gorgeous.

Marsupilami

HOUBA! I watched a very bad TV adaptation of this as a kid that still managed to find a place in my heart, and so I decided to finally try reading some of the original comic! On one hand: it was exactly what I had hoped! The art is cute, the marsupilami is so dynamic and fun to see on the page (and has a way better characterization than he does in the show), and it’s really funny! Unfortunately! It is also pretty racist! Yikes! That seems to be a reoccuring downfall for some of these older Belgian comics... I also tried reading the first book of Les Tuniques Bleues and aye ye ye… I couldn’t actually get through that one. That being said, these were older volumes and frankly, North American media was also real fucking racist at that point so I’m not gonna write them off either. I really liked most of this book, and will probably try to get my hands on one of the more recent volumes of both Marsupilami and Les Tuniques Bleues to see if they get better with time. (If you’ve read either of those series and have volume recommendations hmu)

The Pagemaster

I’m a sucker for novelizations, I have no excuse beyond that. I recently rewatched The Pagemaster and decided to read the chapter book. And it was a solid little adaptation! It’s about Richard Tyler, a young boy with a head for statistics which unfortunately means he lives in constant fear of (in his opinion, statistically likely) injury or death. However that fear is put to the test when he gets caught in a horrible thunderstorm and has to shelter in a nearby library with halls and shelves that stretch beyond the imagination and with untold perils hidden among the pages of the books. Richard, with only his library card and three novels that hope to be checked out, has to venture through the different genres and horrors housed int he library if he ever wants to find the exit and get home to safety.

Pumpkinheads

A very charming little graphic novel. Cute art, and really loveable characters. Josiah and Deja work every year at a local pumpkin patch, and are best friends during those weeks. However this is their last year working there before going off to university and as the last day at the patch comes to a close they realize that they both still have regrets. Deja sets off on a mission to avoid work, eat all the interesting snacks around the patch, and get Josiah to find the girl he’s been crushing on every year and has never worked up the nerve to talk to.

After being deprived of human contact for almost a year, this book really hits you right in the heart.

The Screwfly Solution

A deeply upsetting scifi/horror short story! I read it on the recommendation of a friend and, yes, can confirm that this fucked me up a bit. I honestly don’t even know what to say about this that wouldn’t spoil it, but frankly with everything being as it is, this hit a little bit too close to reality. (That being said, it was very well written, like this is a very good story on a literary level and it does exactly what it sets out to accomplish.) If you feel like reading twenty pages and being really disturbed, give it a go! Otherwise go and read any number of the much happier books on this list!

The Whipping Boy

This was a book I remember reading as a lit circle book back in elementary school and really loving. After telling myself I’d reread it for years, I finally sat down with it again. If you somehow got through school without reading this one, it’s about a brat of a prince and his whipping boy — since it would be unspeakable to strike a prince, when the prince misbehaves it is Jemmy who gets whipped. Unsurprisingly, there is no love lost between the two of them, because the prince is always intentionally causing problems that Jemmy has to suffer for. Things begin to change though when the prince decides to run away and drags Jemmy along with him. On the run, being chased by highwaymen, and desperately trying to hide their identities, these boys go on a fast-paced adventure beyond the castle walls. It wasn’t as special as I remembered it being as a kid, but it’s a fine little chapter book.

[mysmegrace]

Hey! I noticed your masterlist is a bit empty, can i fix that? Haha. Maybe you could write some headcanons with Saeran (and if you do more characters), Jaehee and Jumin having a cooking date with mc? Like maybe cookies, or browniesor cake! Idk haha. Sorry for the long ask. ☺️

Hey 👋 Haha yeah my master list isn’t doing so well right now lol. I love your ask, it’s so cute, and it’s not long at all! I didn’t see this until right now so forgive me if this is late lol!

Cooking Date with Saeran/Jumin/Jaehee 🥘

Saeran (Normal Ending)🌹

Staying indoors all day wasn’t fun in the slightest. Fortunately for you and Saeran, the coronavirus hadn’t reached the island you inhabited yet

Given that didn’t mean you guys were entirely safe, so you two had to follow the safety measures just like the rest of the RFA had to do back in South Korea

That meant you had to forget about your vacation to Greece you had planned for to go explore the European country and discover it’s beauty

You two definitely weren’t happy about that as you both were incredibly excited about the trip, the cancellation of the trip caused your moods to tank this week

As if you two weren’t already down in the dumps enough, you woke up to loud rain drops banging on your window

When seeing the combination of strong rain and high winds, a sigh escaped your lips

Walking around the island and admiring the gorgeous nature combined with seas that surrounded it was the only thing bringing you two comfort in these rough times

But because of how messy the weather was today, you couldn’t even do that

Feeling upset, you accepted defeat from Mother Nature and laid back down in bed, cuddled up to Saeran

After resting another few hours, the weather had only gotten worse, contrary to what you’d hope it’d be

You could see the look of disappointment that came across Saerans face as he looked outside the window

Nature was not just a pretty sight to Saeran, but a much stronger comforting sight to him, so you understood completely how this made him feel

The entirety of your early afternoon contained of just you and Saeran laying down focused on your phones

Nearing dinner hours you got a sudden yet welcoming motivation to get up and make something out of this horrible day after seeing lots of inspiration online

After a lot of thought you came to the conclusion that a cooking date sounds like something you two could use right now

You surfed the web until you came across the perfect recipe, Moussaka for dinner and Loukoumades for dessert

Two Greek dishes served frequently around Greece, maybe trying your hand at making these dishes could lighten your moods

This sounds like a great idea not only because it’s delicious food, but also because it could give you and Saeran a feel of Greece far away from the country

With everything planned and making sure all ingredients are in stock, you approach Saeran with your plan

He isn’t too enthusiastic when hearing your idea but with the puppy face you’re giving him, he found it hard to deny your offer

So he eventually agreed and you two were off to work

You turned on some calming music while you and Saeran began cutting up the vegetables needed for the Moussaka together

As time went on, you noticed you began getting happier as you two were cooking and making conversation

Your plan seemed to be working incredibly

After all ingredients were done and assembled correctly, you two gave it all time to cook

While it was cooking, you started talking about the future and about your dreams, you could tell his mood was lifting

You grew increasingly open with each other in discussing your wants and dreams, then a sudden but very welcomed kiss from Saeran touched your lips

It was only a little kiss, but that little kiss turned into another little kiss, and eventually it wasn’t just a little kiss anymore

You thought back to the days in Mint Eye, you could never see you and Saeran coming so far, but here you were now making out on the couch you shared

His hand laid gentle on your cheek as you two sat there enjoying every piece of each other and this amazing feeling

You both snapped back to reality once the timer rang loud through the home

Getting up disappointed because you two were interrupted, you walked over to take out the dinner with Saeran following you

Once you sat it down to cool, a giggle left Saerans mouth as his eyes laid on a trace of honey he left on your cheek

You returned his chuckle as you attempted to wipe the honey off with a towel

His hand stopped you from doing so as he turned your face towards him and wiped the trace of honey off with his thumb

“Thank you” you replied to his actions accompanied with a blush

“No need to thank me, it’s my job” he responded

You gave him a loving smile as you turned around to grab plates

You served the meal blown with a kiss on top as you two got to eating

Satisfied with the creation, you both had a loveable conversation and got a little piece of Greece in your home while missing out on your trip

After dinner dessert was served and you could’ve sworn you gained 30lbs from that delicious food

You both realized as long as you two are together, there’s no excuse to be upset about something that can always hold off until a later date

Jumin💎

The front door opening got your attention as you laid on the couch waiting for Jumin to arrive home

An hour ago he had run out to the grocery store to pick up some essentials and ingredients you two would need tonight

You both had planned cooking a meal together this afternoon and enjoying it over a candle lit table

Having a dinner date inside the home to relax and spend time together was something you definitely needed

It was perfect to make you feel even more loved and great for Jumin to lift stressful things from his mind

After an exhausting week of almost working himself to death, he brought up the idea to you

You didn’t even need to think before you agreed

Knowing Jumin, he was going all out

You swore the table cloth alone costed more than your rent for your old apartment

While he was sliding off his shoes with his arms holding many bags, you walked up to him and placed a short but sweet kiss on his lips

After you both brought the bags to the kitchen and got them unpacked, you got to work

You decided on stir-fry and lava cake

With Jumin focusing on the vegetables and chicken, you got to work on the sauce

Every time he passed you to get to the fridge, his hands wrapped around your waist for a brief minute as he placed a soft kiss on your temple

A light blush always came over your cheeks whenever he did loving actions like this, even after 3 years of marriage

You both were getting into conversations about life

About Elizabeth the 3rd, the next RFA party, plans for C&R, the current political climate, and much similar

Jumin was such an interesting man, how he could talk for hours about topics regarding the economy and fail to make you bored is beyond you

But you liked that about him, along with many other attributes of his

You always felt loved and protected in his presence, a feeling you’ve never felt throughout your childhood

As your conversation slowly shifted and you two starting getting more depth with your discussions, he expressed how much love he felt for you everyday

He never thought he could love someone this much, he can’t even imagine how much more love he’ll have in his heart when/if you two create your own family

While talking, you added the stir fry sauce to his concoction of vegetables & chicken on the stove, along with adding in noodles

You stirred the mixture carefully, making sure not to spill

An unexpected hand came on top of yours and joined you in stirring the mixture

You took those few minutes when he was directly behind you to take the situation in, to just breathe out and relax in his presence

Your stir fry was cooked perfectly as you turned off the heat and let it to cool a bit

While cooking, you both got to work on the lava cake

It was a quick & simple recipe that Jumin had never attempted to make before

He usually had his chef cook for you both so this entire experience was a special occasion to him

You both continued where u left off in your conversation

The look in his eyes as he spoke passionately, the way his lips moved along with his words, god you loved this man

You still remember the days when Jumin seemed like such a cold man to you at first

But when getting closer to him and hearing him open up to you, you realize how broken he’s been from childhood

He deserved better

Your thoughts were cut off the loud timer going off

As Jumin went to take out the cake, he told you to go get dressed

You were confused but listened, he had an outfit already laid out for you on the bed you two shared

He really was over the top somethings

After getting the gorgeous dress on, you walked back out to the kitchen to meet him

You were met with a well set table already prepared and a lit candle in the centre of you two

He took your soft hand into his and led you to your seat, pulling your chair in and out for you

He joined you seated at the table and you two became to eat

The dinner tasted great, better than you both expected

It wasn’t to his chefs level, but it was great for a non-chef

The rest of your night was spent in each other’s arms drinking a glass of wine on the couch

you two may or may not have had a shower after to clean yourselves off together and did some things 👁👄👁

Jaehee 🧁

You arrived at Jaehee’s apartment around noon

You two had planned to bake some cookies and donate them to the orphanage to give to children

Jaehee had her cooking supplies ready before you even arrived, she’s incredibly good at being prepared

You both got straight to work and had decided on chocolate chip and raisin cookies

Jaehee turned on some music to listen to in the background

She did the chocolate chip, you did raisin

A song came on from her playlist that you loved, you knew the dance to it and everything

You started dancing as you mixed the batter, singing along to the songs

That earned you a quick look of confusion from Jaehee

You stopped mixing and sat down the bowl as you stretched your hand out to Jaehee, offering her to dance with you

She stared for a minute before hesitantly agreeing after you told her to let loose a little

You started off slow, making sure she got a hang of the moves

Then you began gaining pace, building up speed

You saw a smile creep onto her face as she moved along with you

The song came to a short and after a short laugh you both got back to work

Hours passed of you making cookies before you were done, covered in a mess

You wiped your finger into the flour you had on your apron

You gave Jaehee an unexpected surprise by swiping the flour on her nose

She quickly returned your action back and you were soon in a flour war zone

After coating each other in the white powder, you two decided to call it quits for the day as you removed your apron

Looking at the cookies on the counter, you both grabbed one and cheered them together, making a toast

“To us”

I hope you enjoyed! I apologize if Jaehee’s seems rushed in any way, it’s almost 3am right now and I’m not functioning properly lol. Plus I’m not the best at writing with Jaehee. Thank you for your request!

REQUESTS: OPEN

[dystopiandilfs]

Hi I saw your post about being a Sterek anti which gave me whiplash because I followed you for mcyt opinions but then found the one other Sterek anti. Do you have any other unpopular Teen Wolf opinions that would really upset people?

I love to hate on Teen Wolf of course I have unpopular opinions. This is basically me hating on the Hales and Argents (minus Chris) for being creeps. Don't get me wrong I love the show but these are things that I can't ignore.

Disclaimer this includes topics such as child predators, grooming, abuse, murder and other similar topics. Don't read this If you really like Teen Wolf and is someone who can hate something based on others opinions.

• Sterek is an awful ship. If Stiles was a woman everyone would be calling Derek a pedo. It's weird because season 1-3 Derek was a creep and season 3-6 Stiles was an awful person. Like they switched.

• Ethan and Aiden sounded cool on paper but were a huge fail. Okay so you can combine and grow..... Is that it? Kinda lame for twin Alphas.

• Theo was a better villain than Void Stiles. He managed to successfully split the entire pack apart turning everyone against Scott including making Scott and Stiles fall out. He then made his own pack, killed them off for their powers, got sent to hell, then came back. Void Stiles was Stiles being possessed by a fox spirit and it not being him in control whereas Theo did kill them, he could control who lived or died. What can Void Stiles do? Play chess, pack it up Bella Swan!

• Stiles isn't my favourite character solely because of his comments about Liam's ied and Issac's abuse trauma. Saying that Issac was milking his trauma after he finally was able to open up about it. Constantly going on about Liam's ied and how he was a bomb ready to explode at all times.

• Peter was an awful person, he tricked Derek into turning Paige and that killed her, Derek was now single and traumatized just in time for child predator Kate Argent to groom him then burn his family, Peter survived the fire, killed even more people, died, manipulated Lydia into helping him come back, came back killed more people and repeat that 4 more times.

• Speaking of awful relationships let's not forget Parrish and Lydia. As in the grown adult police officer and the highschool minor.

• Stiles name is Genim and I stand by that.

• People think that Issac would have believed Stiles about Theo and that's just not true. Issac would have been wary of Theo based on his own thoughts but would have trusted that Scott trusted Theo. Don't know where everyone got this Issac and Stiles besties from, we must have been watching two different shows.

• Erica and Boyd were easily top 3 platonic soulmates. Others being Liam and Mason and Scott and Stiles

• Allison was a shitty person. She tried to kill her friends multiple times and got mad at everything and everyone. I genuinely thought she was meant to be bipolar when I was younger because of how she acted.

• Everyone was hypocritical, everyone was fine with Stiles killing Allison and Aiden, Peter for killing a lot of people but not Theo or Jackson eventhough Jackson was also possessed and Theo was manipulated and groomed by the Dread Doctors.

• Kira was stronger than Scott both mentally and physically. Parrish was stronger than Derek and Peter.

• Melissa and Chris were actually a good pairing. I feel like it would be weird for Melissa and John to get together.

• I don't know who Noah Stilinski is. I only know John.

• I prefer Stydia as friends but would pick them over Sterek. However I really liked Stiles with Malia and would have loved Stiles with Cora.

• Scott and Allison were a shit couple. "True love" okay so she broke up with him then immediately got with Issac who was one of Scott's best friends. Then Scott got with both Malia and Kira but still was obsessed with Allison. In my opinion their relationship was good in their eyes because it was their only relationship, no experience. Then Scott always brought her up because he felt guilty about her dying.

• Season 6 was a good season people only don't like it because Dylan wasn't in it.

• Theo was one of the best things to happen to Liam and vice versa. He was one of the only people who didn't either make fun of his ied or use it as an excuse for things. Yes he used it during 6x16 but he knew he'd get his ass handed to him but still did it to help the pack, he wasn't just saying it to insult Liam.

• Mason and Corey were a missed opportunity especially with Mason's knowledge and Corey's powers

• Scott and Liam weren't as close and people want them to be. Scott was always getting mad at Liam and rarely ever worked with him, they never did shit together. "Me and Liam go do this thing" "you guys go and sort this out". The only time he willingly stuck with Liam was when Liam had just bought back Theo and he only stayed with Liam because he thought Theo would try to manipulate him again.

• Lydia being the one to bring Stiles back during the wild Hunt was by far the biggest hate crime. You picked a long time crush over a childhood bestfriend/brother to be the one with the biggest connection to bring him back.

• Scott being a bland character was a good unintentional decision. It gave way for other characters to shine whilst also building multiple storylines. A bad example would be Elena Gilbert, she was bland but was still the main focus which imo was a bad decision.

• People really underestimate Theo and Liam's trust for eachother. They had less than a season of development but managed to be one of the better pairings. Like apart from them working together multiple times, Liam wanting Theo to go to the zoo with him, Theo stopping Liam from killing Nolan and Gabe etc. Theo knew about Liam being beat up at school by Nolan and Gabe before Scott did. Mason and Corey wouldn't have said anything because they didn't trust Theo, the only person who did was Liam. In the sheriff station Theo knew something was upsetting Liam and thought it was Brett and Lori then next episode knew it was Nolan and the Hunters.

• Coach was the best character in the entire show, not Stiles, not Issac, not Lydia, not Derek. What a king. Absolute girlboss. I know Coach would guard my drink with his life, no date rape drugs for me thanks to Coach.

• The show as a whole treated mental health terribly. Theo being manipulated as a child, Issac being abused by his father, Nolan's very severe anxiety and PTSD, Liam's ied, Malia's PTSD etc.

Basically if Teen Wolf had a 7th season and I was involved in writing it I would include the following:

• Puppy Pack including Liam, Theo, Mason, Corey, Hayden and her girlfriend (yes I'd give her a gf), Nolan and Alec just having fun and experiencing life.

• Derek, Peter and Chris working with the police.

• Melissa and Deaton working together along with Liam's step dad on a supernatural section in the hospital.

• Braeden 🥰

• I'd have a fever dream style episode where we get a Void Stiles and Evil Theo (with Tracy and Josh's powers) teamup.

• I'd bring back Kira, Cora and Issac

• I'd have the big threat being a coven of witches which is why they have to bring a lot of people back because it's a whole group of magical beings and Braeden, Kira, Cora and Issac could all bring knowledge that they've found from being in other parts of the world.

• I'd actually use all the cool supernatural powers instead of Scott roaring and flashing his eyes. Lydia's Banshee scream ripple, Parrish's flame on, Corey's invisibility, Theo, Malia and Derek's ability to shift into an actual wolf/coyote, Kira's cool fox powers, Jackson's Kanima vemon etc.

[boldlyvoid]

Amoreena | Chapter sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Summary/Warnings: Amoreena meets Jo, Jo shares her experience with the foster homes (tw self-harm and child abuse), and Spencer shares his shitty childhood with her. They bond, he loves her more than he thought possible, his dreams of a big happy family are coming true.

word count: 4.8k

from the beginning <3

His phone is ringing at 7:50 and all he does is groan, forgetting Y/N’s agreement with Amoreena. His wife reached over his face and towards the phone, picking up with an overly cheerful tone for a pregnant woman who was up until 3 am.

“Hello sweet girl, how was your sleep?”

“Ugh,” she makes a weird face as the morning nausea kicks in and she tries to swallow it down. “Yeah? Oh, I’m so glad, dad and I are just waking up. We have another big surprise for you today… I know honey there’s always a lot going on, but this one is a good one I promise!”

“Can I go talk to her?” Spencer asks, “alone?”

“Dad’s going to come and see you while mommy has a shower, okay? I love you too, bye,” she smiles as she hangs up and passes the phone back to him.

They kiss quickly before separating, Spencer throws on the same clothes from the beach last night before heading down the hall towards Amoreena’s room. He knocks quietly before entering, seeing her sitting in a queen bed with 2 cats.

“Taylor let Olivia and Benjamin stay in here last night, she said they usually sleep in here anyway!” She was whispering, but it was still loud for her this early.

He sat on the edge of her bed and gave her a big hug, “how was your night?”

“Really amazing, Dad, Taylor is my best friend now,” she’s completely serious, “I hope mom’s not too upset about that, I guess we could share her…”

“That’s a nice thought, are you good at sharing?”

“I think so,” she nods with a serious face.

“Good, because there’s a new person who’s coming to live with us. She’s going to be kind of sad for a while and I’ll be spending a lot of time with her too,” he watches her face as she listens, confused but fine with it.

“Who is she?”

“Did your mom tell you how she made you?”

She nods, “she said sometimes people with penises donate sperm to help people have babies, and you were the one who donated for me,” she gives him a run down so seriously that it makes him laugh like the 7-year-old.

“Yeah, exactly, well I also helped 2 other families make babies,” he says softly, petting her hair as she understands what that means.

“So I have more siblings?”

“Yep, 2 sisters and a brother,” he smiles as she starts to bounce with excitement. “Josephine is 12, almost 13, and she’s coming to live with us.”

“Where is her mom?” She asks, he knew she would.

“Her mom and dad were in an accident, they died and she looked for me because she didn’t want to be alone anymore,” he knows it’s a hard topic, and that she understands death after losing her gg, but it’s still hard.

“Oh, that’s sad,” she frowns, moving in to hug him again, she keeps her head pressed to his shoulder. “I hope she’s okay, is she here now too?”

“She is, but I’m not sure if she’s awake yet, she’s a teenager and they sometimes sleep in longer than you would, like when Henry was over and slept until noon,” he has all his kids profiled in his minds and it’s actually more helpful than a hindrance.

“Does she like Taylor?”

He knew that one was coming too, “she’s a huge fan, she cried meeting her just like mom.”

“Is she going to call my mom her mom now?”

“I don’t think so, would that upset you?” He’s worried for the answer, he had the same jealous tendencies growing up. Hell, he still has them.

“No, she needs a mom, I would be very sad without mine, I know she needs one too,” she looked at him like it was a stupid question because of course, all kids need a mom and her mom happened to be the best.

“That’s really nice of you, she knows all about you and she’s really excited to move in with us, maybe you can help her decorate her room?” He isn’t sure what Jo will think, but he knows it would be good for bonding.

“Can we see if she’s awake? Wait, she’s a she right? Miss Kennedy said sometimes people look like girls but they don’t like to feel like girls, so we use they,” Amoreena was so worried about being a good sister he didn’t know why he worried so much.

“Well, I’m not sure, Jo hasn’t told me but you can ask?”

She shot right out of bed, still in her dress from last night as she ran to the door, “come on, what room is it?”

“Right there, knock nicely,” he says as he joins her in the hall, pointing to the room across from her.

She knocked 3 times, hearing a small ‘yeah?’ From the other side before opening it, “good morning!” Amoreena cheered.

“Amoreena!” Jo smiled as she got out of bed and ran over to her. She dropped to her knees so they’d be the same height and wrapped her up in her arms.

They hugged like this was a reunion and not an introduction, they held on to one another so tightly they both squeezed their eyes shut and held their breath. He knew that kind of hug, that was a hug you gave when you deeply loved the person you were hugging.

It made him want to cry, again.

Jo pulled back from her and Amoreena immediately held her face in her hands, observing her. “Yep, you’re my sister,” she smiled as she saw her nose.

That same perfect little button that was slightly angled towards the sky, she booped it lightly. Jo booped her right back.

“I am, it’s pretty cool getting to share a dad with you cause now I get to meet Taylor Swift, how the heck did we get so lucky?” Jo talks to her like she’s used to being around kids, finding the wonder in every word and saying the whole sentence with enthusiasm.

She turns to him, both his girls making the same face as they looked at him in the doorway, “how did you meet Taylor, dad?”

“You remember Uncle Dave? He came over for the barbecue and talked to poppy bob about winemaking all night?”

“Yeah, he’s Italian,” Amoreena remembered his funny accent and how she called him Mario.

“His daughter is Taylor’s friend, so Taylor sent me an email asking to meet you,” he couldn’t help but smile as she did.

“So you guys really are knights at the FBI, huh?”

“Yeah, but my armour got too rusty so now I’m going to guard the princess only, no more battles for me,” he was happy to make it magical, to turn the terribleness of it all into something she could be proud of.

He feels cold hands reaching under the back of his shirt then as he jumps, Y/N is wrapping her arms around him and pressing her cheek to his back, “your armour is fine, it just needs some polish.”

“They’re kinda gross, you’ll have to get used to that,” Amoreena says, pressing her lips together awkwardly as she looks at Jo.

“It’s nice though, it makes you feel like love is real,” Jo smiled back, “not many kids have happy families.”

“You do now, okay?” Amoreena took her cheeks in her hands again, something she must have learned from Y/N. “My family is your family and we are the best family, you’re going to have so much fun with us, can I help you decorate your room?”

Jo cried, laughing lightly as she nodded, “that would be cool, maybe we can get bunk beds for random sleepovers?”

Amoreena shot her eyes to her mom, “can we?”

“That would be cool,” Y/N agreed, “we’ll go to Ikea on Friday when I’m not working, okay?”

“And this weekend we can buy some paint for your room?” Spencer added, “you guys can plan all week together.”

“Yes!” Amoreena cheered, hugging Jo again.

Jo held her gently, resting her cheek against the top of Amoreena’s head with a small smile. She looked genuinely happy, peaceful like she belonged somewhere again.

Right then Amoreena’s eyes are darting right to him, “It’s fathers day!” She screams, way too loud for 8 am in someone else’s home. Thank god Taylor was on the other side of the mansion.

“Oh my god,” Amoreena smacked her forehead with her little hand, “I was so carried away with the wedding I didn’t pack your present, dad! I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve got you covered little miss,” Y/N smiled at her, “It’s in my purse!”

Amoreena pushed past them in the doorway and ran to their room in search of said purse. Probably emptying it out on the bed and making a huge mess, but it was fine.

Y/N took a moment to kiss his cheek, “good morning, happy father’s day.”

“Thank you,” he blushed, turning to face her and hold her close, “I can feel you staring Jo, come here.”

She comes skipping right over, wrapping her arms around them both and resting her head on Spencer’s side. For a 12-year-old she was tall, a lot taller than Henry was, that’s for sure.

“Hey!” Amoreena butts in, “let me in,” she pushed into the middle of the hug to steal all the warmth, “happy father’s day, dad.”

“Happy father’s day,” Jo added with a soft smile, “thank you for everything.”

“Yeah, you’re the best dad in the world, Jo you should see how he reads with his mind, he doesn’t even need to look at the books at bedtime,” Amoreena bragged, pulling back from all of them then.

Spencer wiped the tears from his face and pretended he wasn’t crying, overwhelmed by love just like he told Jo to expect. “I love you guys, I’m so glad I helped make you both, you’re the best kids a dad could ask for.”

“Here,” Amoreena hands him a wrapped present.

It’s a handmade book, blue construction paper bound with green ribbon in little loops and covered in a thin layer of tissue paper from the present he got her last week. He carefully removes the tissue and hands it back to her, “do you still want it for dresses?”

“Sure,” she takes it with a smile, “I wrote this for you after a dream I had, Miss Kennedy helped me write it all and reword it a bit. But it’s all from my brain.”

“Spencer’s little women,” he reads and then his heartbeat almost stops when he sees the bottom, “by Amoreena Reid.”

“We can go sit in the living room while you read it to us?” Y/N offered, taking the girl's hands and leading them all down the hallway.

Taylor’s house was full of floor-to-ceiling windows, allowing them to watch the sunrise over the ocean as they cuddled up on the couch as a family. Him and his little women.

“Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a beautiful princess who had a broken heart. She promised to hide away from the townspeople until she gathered all the pieces again,” Spencer read the first sentence and knew he wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole book.

“You know, I think it would be better if you read this to me Amoreena,” he asks her gently, “I want to know it from your voice first.”

“Okay,” she bounces up from where she cuddled into her mother to take the book from his hand, sitting straight as she got ready to read.

“Slowly, but surely, the pieces came back to her one by one as the people felt the need to search for her, they missed seeing her smile as she ruled alongside her parents, the king and queen until her heart was fixed.

A little girl, Lady Amoreena, arrived like a gift. A fairy godmother handing a small child to the princess to raise and love forever and ever, they were best friends more than anything.

But the princess’s baby girl made it her mission to fix the rest of her heart as she grew up seeing her mom frown, questing for princes and kings, even another princess to come and fill that last missing spot of her heart. To make their family love grew as the cracks from where they separated were healed.

She set off on her daily adventure, running off past the gates on the way to the willow tree, excited to see what wonders the pond of youth brought to her this time. Surprised to find a knight, his broken and rusty armour fallen on the ground, he was wrapped in weeds, he had been trapped for too long to remember.

Amoreena cut the vines off him with her sword, “you’re free now, sir knight.”

“How can I ever repay you?” The kind man with the same nose as her asked.

“Meet the princess, tell her about your battles, make her laugh and you can stay with us,” she gives him one final quest. His last ever duty.

The princess smiles as soon as they meet. He wins her over without even trying, he completes their family and makes all the cracks in her heart fuse back together. Gold light shines from her as she’s healed, completed by the love of a family she never knew she needed.

The love didn’t end there… the knight and the princess knew lady Amoreena would be like her mom when she grew up. The possibility of a sad and broken heart as she got older, so they made her 8 more siblings, her group of sisters to keep her company during the happily ever after part.

“Sir Spencer, where are all your little women?” The king of the land asked, seeing the knight and the princess all alone on the path, old and slow as they walked.

“Down by the pond, it’s story day!”

He knew that’s where they’d always be, at their pond with a book, braiding each other's hair, weaving flower crowns and chasing each other through the wildflowers that replaced the vines that once held him down.

Free, healed and happy. Spencer and his little women healed the princess, allowing her to take the role as Queen, like her grandma always wanted for her.”

“There isn’t a 'the end'?” Y/N’s voice questions lightly as Spencer cries too hard to even respond.

She was the most amazing child in the whole world and he didn’t know what he did to deserve her. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her so tight she was smacking his arm to let her go with a laugh, “I want to add more to it when I’m older, like GG’s book.”

“You can write one for all your sisters,” Y/N smiles at her softly, “you know, gg only wrote Amoreena because you came to her in a dream?”

She nodded, “that’s why I started writing this book for dad because I had a dream about him reading to all of us, he was so old it was funny.”

“How old?” He asks, remembering his reflection from his own dream.

“Like poppy, you had a white beard!”

“What did we talk about?” He doesn’t know why he wants to know so badly but he’s desperate to know if their dream was the same.

“It was story day, you and mom were late, but you said, ‘I’d never miss a Saturday with my little women,’” she smiles, “I’m so glad you’re my dad.”

She holds him back just as tight this time, snuggling into his chest as he breathes her in. His first little baby, even if she was the middle kid now, she was his baby, he couldn’t even imagine holding someone even smaller than her soon.

—

They take a quick trip to target in the morning, needing to get some things for Jo and Y/N really, really wanted chocolate-covered cranberries, making sure he knew that she would kill him if he didn’t bring them back to her. Finally having those pregnancy mood swings he was expecting.

Jo is quick to pick out some summer clothes and a bathing suit for the day as well as toiletries and anything else she wanted because Spencer said so. He was going to spoil her because he didn’t know what else to do. This is what he wanted from his dad, someone to see something, think of him and just get it to make him smile.

She saw some purple bedding that she liked, so it ended up in the cart. And then she needed some new pillow, and some fitted sheets… oh and those curtains are nice… and before they knew it they had $300 worth of things for her bedroom in the back of Y/N’s car.

Jo pressed her lips together awkwardly as they sat in the front seats of the car, he looked over at her and smiled, making her laugh, “this is the best father’s day.”

“I’m supposed to be getting you gifts today!”

“You are a gift, Jo,” he doesn’t mean to get sappy, but he can’t help the love he feels for her already.

“Drive before I cry, dude,” she turns to look out the window. “Are we going to have a 'ground rules and behaviour' speech like all the foster parents do? I have a feeling you have no idea what you’re doing.”

He starts the car then, pulling out of the lot and starting the 40-minute car ride back with her, “how do they normally set the rules in the foster homes?”

“They pay for my phone bill with the money provided for me each month and they sometimes get me the groceries I want for lunches and stuff but they mostly kept the money for themselves. I’m only allowed on the internet for an hour a day, homework has to be done in front of their eyes at the kitchen table, no food after 7 pm, lights off and no walking around by 9,” she gave the rundown and it made Spencer’s stomach turn.

“I will pay for your phone bill, you don't need to worry about that. We can even get you a new one when we get home. Y/N has great internet and every streaming service available, you don’t have a time limit here. Just promise me you’ll go outside sometimes?” He reaches a hand out to hold her’s while driving, letting her know he means what is coming next.

“I trust you have a way of life you’re used to, and I’m not going to change that on you, if you want to share things with me and be open and honest, I’m always here and I will never judge you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you need to hide things from me. And that being said, I trust you enough to use the internet safely, and not hack anything without good reason anymore?”

Derek was right, it’s surprisingly easy to be a dad. All you have to do is love them and be there for them.

“Okay, then I think you should know,” she takes a deep breath and a pause. “I’m pretty sure I like girls too, I never got to tell my mom that but I’m sure she knew, and I’m kind of scared to put my bathing suit on when I get home.”

“First of all, I’m proud of you,” he squeezes her hand 3 times, and she does it right back with a smile. “Secondly, why? Did you not get one you liked? I was fine buying any of them for you.”

“I have a lot of scars on my legs, and I don’t want to scare Amoreena,” she’s really ashamed of herself and Spencer understands it.

He rolls his sleeve up and extends his arm for her to see his very faded track marks, “I was drugged on a case once, I had an addiction after. The scars fade over time, but I also haven’t shown Amoreena my bare arms yet.”

“Mine are pretty faded now too, it’s been a few months, they look more like stretch marks,” she smiled at his honesty, feeling safer with him.

“If she asks, you can say it was from a cat at the foster home. She’ll think about Cinderella and the evil stepmother's cat, and then completely forget why she asked,” he assures her, knowing Amoreena like the back of his hand now.

“Lucifer,” Jo smiles, “I was like her as a kid too, always making up stories and finding new movies to be obsessed with. I have ADHD, by the way, but I’m un-medicated cause my last foster home didn’t listen to the school’s diagnosis,” she says it like it’s not a big deal.

His blood starts to boil at the thought of someone not taking care of her, “excuse me?”

“Yeah, and when I asked for a therapist they said no to that too, I was ‘fine’ apparently and they settled for a dead parents support group so that Colin could have a coffee while I sat there,” she’s oblivious to how terrible it is.

“Make me a list of all the things you want, I mean everything down to the most niche interest or therapy technique that you’ve researched and I will help you with whatever it is,” Spencer is furious at the conditioning she’s experienced to think this is okay.

“You don’t have to, dad, I’m okay now,” she lies and he can tell.

“You don’t have to be, believe me, I cry almost every night to Y/N about things I thought I had recovered from. If you want to talk to someone because you think it will help, or if you want medicine because you feel like it’ll help you focus better or just be happier, I’m here to help you get that.”

She goes quiet, staring at their hands where he’s still squeezing her palm. She rubs her thumb along the skin softly, “did your mom ever hurt you?”

“Only when she wasn’t really there in her own mind,” he presses his lips together right after, he’s never told anyone about it.

“Did your dad?”

“Emotionally, but he wasn’t there long enough to lay a hand on me.”

She nods at the response, “my dad was evil, I think he killed my mom in that ‘accident’, but on purpose.”

“I thought my dad was a murderer once too, but it was actually my dad’s friend,” he isn’t sure why he’s telling her everything, but she deserved to know.

“There was a pedophile in our town who killed this boy, Riley, and my mom told him about a man who was watching me like I was next. And Riley’s dad killed him, but I was so young my mind tried to think it was my dad who did it all.”

“Your old job must have really messed you up inside too, huh?” She tries to laugh it off, scared of his past but intrigued at the same time, he just nods at her observation.

“I have a friend, her name is Penelope, her parents died when she was a little bit older than you. She snuck out and they went to look for her, and they were in a car crash,” he makes sure she’s comfortable, her hand is still in his and her thumb is still moving over his skin.

“Like you, she got into hacking, the FBI had to hire her because she was so good she became a threat, you’d really like her,” he says, turning to look at her quickly, he loves the smile on her face.

“I’d love to meet her,” she smiled, “thank you, I wish you could have always been my dad.”

It breaks his heart a little, “well, you have me forever now.”

—

“Two questions,” Y/N’s voice approaches as she walks towards the trunk of her car.

Jo and Spencer are digging through all the shopping bags trying to find all the things that she needs for the afternoon, leaving the rest for the ride home.

“Here,” Spencer hands her the chocolate-covered cranberries, “king-sized bag.”

“I love you,” she smiles as she takes it, “the second question, how are the suitcases going to fit in there now? We have two kids to bring home, they’re going to be squished.”

“I don’t mind,” Jo smiles, “one time they didn’t have room for me in a car so I sat in the trunk for 15 minutes.”

Spencer wrapped her up in his arms, “every time you tell me a story about what has happened to you, I want to kill someone.”

She laughs, holding him back gently, “believe me, I was an asshole to them, they got what they deserved.”

“What did you do?” Y/N worries about what she’s capable of, Spencer can tell.

“I called the tax people and said they have been claiming foster kids as dependents and now they might have tax fraud charges coming their way,” she seemed very proud of herself. “I would never hurt someone, but I have no problem getting them in trouble.”

Y/N extended her fist, bumping it off Jo’s with a smile, “as you should! Now, come on, let’s go get ready for the beach.”

Jo skipped inside with Y/N, their arms linked as they did so. Spencer couldn’t believe this was his life now. He closed the trunk with a slam, picking up the bag of things he set aside before joining them inside.

“Surprise!!!!” Amoreena screamed as soon as he walked through the door.

There was a hand-drawn Happy Father’s Day banner hanging from the staircase and purple balloons all over the place.

“Happy father’s day!!!” They all cheered for him, even Taylor’s mom was there now, smiling at the display of affection.

Amoreena and Jo came running up to him, wrapping their arms around him and holding him close, nothing felt real. “Can you pinch me?” He asked them with a small smile.

He didn’t think they’d do it, but even Y/N walked over and started pinching him all over. Amoreena pinched his leg, Jo pinched his belly button and Y/N, she pinched his cute little butt as she pressed a kiss to his blushing cheek. “You’re very real, so are we.”

“I love you guys,” Spencer reminds them, holding them all as close as he can for just a moment, “okay, enough sappiness, let’s go to the beach!”

Amoreena and Y/N are already in their swimsuits under their sundresses, Jo, on the other hand, picked out some trunks and a tank-style swim top, hiding her scares just enough that she felt comfortable getting in the sand and building a castle with Amoreena.

Y/N laid on the towel beside Spencer in the shade, Taylor and her mom were playing scrabble on the picnic table, her dad was cooking up burgers on the grill. It was serene, it was perfect, they were a little family and it made absolutely no sense to him how it all worked out so well, but he wouldn’t change any of it.

“Look how big it is after lunch,” Y/N grabbed his attention, sticking her belly out as far as it could go, “I’m going to get so huge again, at least this time I’ll be the biggest when it’s cold out.”

“Are you comfortable? Do you need more sunscreen or water?” Spencer worried, making her smile as she pushed her sunglasses up and turned to him.

“I am fantastic, thank you, cutie.”

He leans in to kiss her gently, but she wraps her arms around him and pulls him down on top of her. Kissing him like she just rescued him from the sea and hasn’t seen him for years.

When he finally pulls away, he doesn’t go far. Just sitting up as he brushes her hair off her face, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she reminds him with another soft smile.

“I missed mother’s day with you by only a few days, but you should know you’re the best mother in the whole world,” he whispered, wanting to share his day with her because, without her, he wouldn’t be a father.

She pulls him into another kiss, hands resting on his cheeks as she breathes in deeply through her nose. It’s like she’s taking the soul out of his body, he's a part of her now forever and always. He never wants to be anywhere else.

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

@k-k0129

[miss-noo-na]

Turned Tables (Kihyun)

Title: Turned Tables

Featuring: Kihyun (Monsta x) x Reader

Rating: 16+, some mature themes.

Summary: Kihyun is smart, talented, and good-looking, and everyone knows it. When he starts paying you extra attention, you know there has to be a catch.

Note: This piece was commissioned by millie-ionaire05, see my sidebar if you’re interested in a custom piece!

A spike of anxiety went through you every time you got a ghost of pink hair across your vision. What followed was a bright smile with a tinge of mischief and a surprisingly deep voice that teased and taunted, and had been doing it more lately than usual.

Kihyun was a part of your larger group of friends and acquaintances at school, but he was known beyond that throughout campus. He was handsome and outgoing, and dated a lot of girls. A lot of them. In fact “dating” might not even be the right term, since he was never with one for too long. Yet, he was also smart and excelled academically, and all of it combined to make you single-handedly loathe and like him. It was hard not to.

Something had changed recently. He went from someone you only talked to in passing at parties or during group work in classes to someone paying closer attention to you, going out of his way to get to know you and flat-out flirting with you, and you hadn’t the faintest idea as to why. You’d been at school together for 2 years, and he hadn’t shown you any special attention up until that point. Needless to say, you were suspicious.

“Maybe he just really likes you?” Your friend offered and you scoffed. You weren’t anything like the girls he went after. You had fun when you could, but you weren’t as out-going or as open as they were. Some of said girls were your friends and you adored them, but even you could see the difference in demeanor between you and them.

Not knowing what his angle was put you on edge, and you started to avoid him every chance you got. In another universe, one where this would make sense, you might have taken him up on whatever offers he presented. He wasn’t marriage material, but he would be fun for something casual.

Yet you wouldn’t be persuaded by his easy tricks. A wink and a compliment weren’t enough to woo you, even in normal circumstances. The longer it went on, the more you got a sense of burgeoning frustration from him, and you didn’t know why he wouldn’t just give up and go after someone else. He could literally have any girl he wanted.

You had been too lost in your thoughts to see him coming that afternoon as you sat on a bench outside one of the buildings you had class in. He sat down and nearly startled you half to death.

“How is it you’re able to find me so easily?” You scowled, not making eye contact with him as you moved your bag into your lap and clutched it to your chest.

“Just instincts, I guess.” Kihyun grinned. “Hey, you wanna have lunch with me?”

“Not particularly.”

“Aw, why not? It’ll be my treat.”

The back and forth was getting tiresome. You hadn’t explicitly told Kihyun no or to leave you alone, maybe because deep down you liked the attention, but even that was starting to make you weary.

“Can I ask you a question?” You interjected, and he appeared taken aback for only a moment.

“Go for it.”

“Why the sudden interest in me?” You asked. It might’ve been presumptuous of you early on, but at this point in time it was obvious to you and everyone around you.

He blinked at you, and it took him a second to formulate a reply.

“Ya know, because, you seem cool?”

You realized you weren’t going to get a truthful answer, so you sighed as you gathered up your things and stood up.

“So is that a yes or a no?”

“Why don’t you use that big brain of yours to put two and two together.” You replied curtly as you turned to leave. You felt a little bad the further away from him you got, maybe you had been too harsh, but you tried not to dwell on it.

You were thankful it was Friday, but not so thankful you were going to have to make an appearance at a party tonight. You liked parties with friends and people you knew, more close-knit gatherings, but this was going to be a big one, and you only went because everyone else was going. You had promised a few people you would show up and the possibility of FOMO propelled you to at least try. You could always leave if it wasn’t fun.

You half-attempted to look presentable for the evening but remain comfortable, it had been a long week and you didn’t feel like getting dolled up, especially because you didn’t really care about half the people who were going to be there.

When you arrived at the large shared house off campus you asked for a beer immediately to ease the tension of the week, and found a small group of familiar faces to plant yourself with. If things went well, you wouldn’t have to leave this spot all night.

Of course Kihyun was there, you had seen his pink head bobbing in and out of the crowd, and you were glad he hadn’t spotted you yet. A friend noticed your hyper-vigilant watch over the crowd and noticed him going by.

“He’s still trying?” She leaned in to ask over the slightly too loud music.

“Just this afternoon.”

“Why don’t you just go out with him once?” Someone else offered.

“Because I don’t trust him.” You narrowed your eyes, and surrounding friends laughed.

“What do you think he’s going to do?”

“I don’t know, but it’s all suspicious.”

“You really think he has some secret plot against you?” Another friend offered with a snort of laughter.

“Why else would he be so insistent?” You posed to them.

The original friend at your side rolled her eyes. “Is it so hard to believe he might be interested in you?”

“Yes.” You replied without missing a beat. This was something that went beyond college. Your shyness throughout childhood and your awkward years in middle and highschool often left you on the outskirts of experiences. You had had a few not-serious boyfriends but they usually started off as good friends, you weren’t the type to get hit on at random, and especially not by really good-looking, confident guys who could be with the girl of their choosing.

“You’re too self-conscious,” Someone else spoke up, “Just go with the flow.”

“Did you guys even stop to consider that I just don’t like him like that?” You asked, and you were met with incredulous looks and a few sounds of disbelief.

Clearly this conversation was going in circles, so you excused yourself to get another drink. You made your way toward the kitchen but paused when you heard your name uttered in conversation from inside. Something told you not to go in, and you waited outside the threshold where no one could see you.

“Not even a single date? Are you losing your touch, Ki?” A man laughed and nudged him.

“These things take time, she’s not as easy as I thought she’d be.”

You felt your cheeks get hot with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. Surely he wasn’t talking about you?

“The bet was that you hook up with every girl on the 5th floor by the end of the semester, and you’re tapping out on the first one.”

“We’re only a few weeks in! Give me a break.”

“Why don’t you just try for someone else? Knock a few of the easier ones out of the way.”

“That wasn’t the rules. Besides, I’m getting closer, just give me a couple more days.”

You straightened up and turned around, walking robotically back to where you came from, seething inside. “I fucking knew it.” You hissed under your breath.

You started to gather up your things and your friends questioned you. You lied, painting on a fake smile and assuring them it had nothing to do with them, you were just tired from classes all day and wanted to go get some rest. They all gave their goodbyes and one asked for a text to make sure you made it back safe.

The walk wasn’t too bad, especially because it was still warm out, though it was getting dark now, the sun almost completely slipping past the horizon. You were too angry to enjoy it, thinking about what you had heard in the kitchen. There was no mistaking that all of Kihyun’s sudden attention had been part of some stupid bro bet. You felt vindicated, but disappointed at the same time. There was a tiny part of you that had hoped he was for real.

You heard quickening footsteps in the distance then, getting increasingly closer. You thought maybe it was a jogger or something, but then a familiar voice called out your name and you looked over your shoulder to see Kihyun half-running toward you.

“Hey, wait up!” He called, and you turned back around and kept up the pace.

“You’re a fast walker.” He laughed when he finally got to you, matching your stride.

“What do you want?” You snapped, and he was disengaged for only a second.

“I was looking for you at the party, and they told me you were headed home. I couldn’t have you walking home alone in the dark like this.”

You couldn’t believe he could be so fake to your face like this. You thought about telling him what you’d heard, something along the lines of “I know about your game, now fuck off forever.” Instead, something stopped you, and a different plan began to formulate.

You hadn’t thought of yourself as vindictive before, but with how upset this whole thing made you, you were traveling down the road to petty. According to this bet he needed to “get with” every girl on your floor, starting with you. So maybe if you distracted him long enough, strung him along with the promise of fulfilling his bet, you could exact your own kind of revenge in the process, and save every other girl in the dorm the trouble of being a part of his ploy. You didn’t know the stakes of the bet, but you assumed they were high if he was this persistent.

Your anger rolled off your back and you painted on your own fake smile. “That’s really sweet of you,” You replied in a voice unlike your own, and that seemed to shock him more than the other times you had been rude or dismissive.

“You live in the same building as me, right?” He gestured to the building, pretending not to know exactly where you lived.

You nodded and slowed your pace, allowing him to take the lead. He started to chitchat, and you hung off his every word, asking him questions so he would expand on his thoughts. Guys loved it when you did shit like that, and you realized this would be easier than you thought. You may have been inexperienced, but you weren’t dumb.

“Thanks for walking me home, I was a little worried about being out here alone.” You said, crossing your arms and feigning innocence. Truthfully, you walked home at night often, and it usually never bothered you.

“It was my pleasure, I’m glad we got to know each other a little better.” He grinned. “I know I asked you earlier, but I figured I’d ask one more time.  You wanna go out sometime? If you say no this time, I promise I won-”

“Sure.” You shrugged.

“N’t-wait, what? Really?” He asked.

“What can I say? You charmed me.” You smiled, fighting off the urge to cringe at your own words.

“Good to know,” He nodded, and the two of you exchanged numbers to set up a date. You left feeling somehow accomplished, and a little less angry.

Kihyun started texting you almost immediately, and you realized he was getting desperate. He was pulling the usual tricks that came with guys like him, and you recognized all of them for what they were, but instead of blowing him off you responded in kind, telling him whatever he wanted to hear, acting giggly and shy, but hinting that you were willing to explore more. You never realized you could be so good at this, you just needed spite to drive you.

You set up a casual coffee date,  and the closer it came the more you realized you felt nervous. You couldn’t decipher why, it wasn’t as if this were a real date. You pushed the feeling as deep down as you could and tried to focus on the task, which was keeping him interested but not letting on to too much.

“You look really nice.” He said as he sat down with a drink for the both of you after you’d told him your order. You strategically tucked in your chin, cast your eyes down, and said thank you sheepishly. It was almost too easy.

You began to talk, and slowly the awkwardness subsided into a natural conversation, much to your surprise. The most you had ever talked was a comment about an assignment or the one-liners he’d tried to use before you agreed to go out with him. Now that he was speaking like a normal person, he seemed different. You couldn’t quite pinpoint why, though.

“Why did you pick your major?”

You shrugged, no one had really asked that before. “Seemed like the right thing to do.”

Kihyun half-smiled, “Not because you were passionate about it?”

You blinked down into your drink, not prepared to have this conversation, and especially not with him. “I had to make a choice between what I love and what I could make money doing.”

“You couldn’t do both?”

“Not according to my parents.”

“Ah, I know that well.” He nodded, and seemed to get lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “What are you passionate about?”

You had dropped the charade of over-effective giggling and flirting, and hadn’t even noticed. “It’s kinda dumb and cliche” You said, not really wanting to be vulnerable in this moment.

“It can’t be dumb if its your passion.” He smiled at you and you hated what it made you feel. He seemed sincere, and somehow that made you angry.

“I like taking pictures.”

“Photography?”

“Film, particularly.”

“That’s awesome.” His smile grew, “I like taking pictures when I can, but I’ve only used DSLRs. I bet film is a totally different experience, though. Like, not knowing what you’ve done and then getting to see it come to life in a dark room.”

He sounded so excited when he talked about it that it started to make you excited, too. It wasn’t something you got to talk about with others often.

“Yeah, it is. It really helps you live in the moment more, you’re not so caught up in constantly checking and re-shooting what you’ve done, you just try to get the best shot you can and then move on. It’s kind of a good life lesson, too, come to think of it.” You explained, then worried you had rambled too much. When you met Kihyun’s eyes, he was listening intently with a contented curl on his mouth.

“Maybe you could teach me sometime? Digital really does everything for you, I could stand to learn the manual settings. I could probably get a lot more creative if I knew what I was doing.” He laughed, and it made your stomach flutter.

You sat in the cafe much longer than you had planned, explaining the more intricate details of photography and how film was different than digital, and Kihyun hung off your every word, asking questions and giving satisfying “ohh’s” and “ahh’s in response when he learned something new. You had never felt more listened to, or like a guy was actually taking you seriously, instead of responding with condescension or trying to prove he was smarter than you. That was what you had expected of Kihyun, and he was proving you wrong at every turn.

When he realized how late in the day it was getting, you walked back to the dorms together. He lived on a different floor, but he walked with you all the way to your door.

“So there’s this party or whatever.” He said casually before you went inside. “It’s not going to be the usual big bangers, more intimate and lowkey, if you wanna come.”

“Sure.” You shrugged.

“Great, I’ll text you the details.” He grinned. You had expected him to make a move, but he simply made his way back towards the elevators, waving at you as he went. You didn’t know if the disappointment was because of your little game or because you had wanted him to try.

Throughout the weeks you kept in contact, texting often during the day and especially as night when you were both in your dorms studying. He kept you entertained with videos and memes, and you laughed out loud more often than you’d like to admit, his sense of humor as goofy as yours. A few times you had forgotten your original intent, and had to sharply remind yourself what you were doing and why. You also reminded yourself that whatever he expressed, no matter how genuine he seemed, was part of a game he was playing, a dumb teen comedy movie bet, and you couldn’t fall for any of it.

When the party came, you put extra effort into your appearance, though you weren’t sure why. You told yourself it was for you, since you rarely got the chance to change out of your study-sweats, but maybe part of you wanted Kihyun to see you at your best.

The house was off campus was a short walk away, a frat residence but not one known for being too raucous. Kihyun met you at your dorm and gave you a heavy once-over when you came out into the hallway, and you blushed furiously, not expecting it to actually work.

“Sorry, I’m not used to seeing you like this.” He chuckled, letting his eyes drift again. “You look good.”

There was a bass in his voice that sent a tingle down your spine as you fumbled with the keys locking your door. “Thanks.”

You walked to the house together and when you got there, you were thankful you were among friends, though some of those faces gave you curious and amused stares as you came in with Kihyun. They pulled you aside the moment they could get you alone.

“Are you dating?”

“No. I mean, maybe? Kind of. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“We’re just talking.”

There was a scatter of a few voices saying different things as once before someone took the lead again.

“What made you change your mind?”

You thought about telling them about the bet, some of them lived on the 5th floor with you and were going to be his next targets, and you pushed down the feeling of jealousy that welled up inside you. You hated that it made you feel this way, thinking about Kihyun talking to them like he had to you, giving them the same attention, laughter, compliments, and late night conversations.

“It isn’t real” You reminded yourself harshly before you answered, choosing to keep it to yourself for now. You didn’t want anyone blabbing and ruining your plan.

“What can I say, he’s convincing.” You forced a smile.

They let it go after that, some giving you approving nudges and raised eyebrows. You were glad they were at least supportive, even if they didn’t know it was a total farce.

Kihyun found his way back to you after chatting up his other friends, bringing you a mystery drink in a plastic cup.

“It’s red wine, hope you don’t mind.”

“Thanks, although I prefer white.”

“Oh,” he said, then reached over and took the cup back from you. “I’ll be back, then.”

You bit back a smile, not expecting him to be so attentive. “He’s just good at this, I guess.”

He came back with a new cup of white wine, and you thanked him again as you sipped, sighing in approval of the cold, dry flavor. Wine always warmed you up inside, relaxing your mind and body in just the right way.

You worked your way around the room as a pair, even when you ventured off or someone wanted to talk to you, he’d find you again and stay by your side, which you weren’t used to. A couple times you encouraged him to go off on his own, but he shook his head and insisted he stay with “his date.”

After a while the wine was kicking in, you were at the happy medium of feeling its effects but still cognitive of what was going on around you. While sitting on the couch, taking in the conversations around you, you felt Kihyun slip your cup from your hand and place it on the coffee table, then thread his fingers with yours. You stared at him, realizing that for all the talking and coffee dates you had done the last couple weeks, he had never tried to get close to you physically. This was a surprise, given his reputation, but you figured he sensed what type of girl you were and was taking it slow on purpose, luring you into a false sense of security. Still, the feel of his warm, large hand over yours was nice.

Then he tugged, standing as he went and pulling you up off the couch. You got a couple knowing glances as you went by, but you had no idea what he was doing.

He took you down a dark hallway and opened up a door into an unfamiliar and empty bedroom. Light spilled in from an opposite window, a soft blue from the clear night sky piercing through the slats in the old fashioned blinds. Outside the now closed door, you could hear the low bass of the music and the distant murmured voices of your friends. Kihyun turned around and before you had time to think, he reached up with one hand, gently taking your head and kissing you.

Your eyes widened before his kiss deepend, and then they couldn’t help but flutter closed, the wine mixed with the warmth of his hands and mouth pulling you under his spell. You kissed him back and felt a rush of excitement, especially with the hungry way he consumed you, parting and languidly pushing his tongue toward yours. A tiny moan escaped without warning and your cheeks burned in embarrassment, but hearing it made Kihyun smile against your lips.

His hands fell to your hips, one cradling your lower back and pulling you close, chest to chest, walking himself backward and bringing you with him. It was happening fast, and you were so lost in the feeling you almost forgot where you were. As he edged his way toward the bed in the corner, it all hit you at once. Over-hearing his friends, the bet, his own smarmy voice reassuring them that it would be easy.

You pulled back, hard, and almost sent you both reeling. His eyes snapped open and he tightened his grip on your back, his face flashing with distress.

“Whoa, are you okay?”

“I’m-” You swallowed, grabbing his wrist and pulling it off your back. He took the hint and dropped his arms away from you completely, but he stayed close and tried to search your expression in the dark.

You raised a hand and pressed the back of your wrist to your moist, reddened mouth, trying to figure out what you were going to say. You were upset, part of you kind of wanted to cry but you blamed the wine for that, and yet you wanted to keep it going for the sake of your master plan of revenge, which got less and less important by the day.

“Did I do something wrong?”

His voice sounded faint and concerned, and it made your chest ache. You wanted so much to believe him, to believe everything he had said and done for days now.  The more you thought about it, the more resentful you got.

“You’re a scumbag, you know that?” You finally said, and Kihyun’s back straightened, his eyebrows drawing down in confusion, not knowing whether to laugh or get mad.

“Uh, I’m sorry, what?”

“I know about your stupid bet.”

You didn’t plan on revealing it this soon, you thought you could go at least a month keeping this up, really dragging it out and making him pay for it, but you couldn’t hold it back anymore.

His face completely changed, eyes wide like an animal in headlights, body stiff. You waited for him to say something but it took a few moments, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head.

“Listen, I-”

“I want you to stay away from me, and every other girl on my floor. Hell, if I even see you talking to any girl I’m going to make you regret knowing me.”

Even you were surprised at your own words, and Kihyun definitely was too. He looked genuinely panicked by your cold, steely words and the way you glared daggers into him. You turned abruptly and left the room, not bothering to see if he followed, slamming it shut behind you. When you exited the hallway, everyone was staring at you, and you didn’t look anyone in the eye as you went to grab your coat off the couch. One of your friends placed a hand on your arm and asked if you were okay, and you shook your head and told them you would talk to them later.

You walked home in record time, feet pounding the pavement as adrenaline shot through your limbs. You had been angry before, even at others, but you had never said anything like that to their face before. At first you felt satisfied with your reaction, but the longer you walked and the colder you got in the night air, the more regret started to set in, and the more you replayed the look on Kihyun’s face over and over again.

“You can’t fake that.” A voice in your head told you, but you convinced yourself it was only because he had been caught. He didn’t care about hurting you, he cared about you potentially hurting him, and in front of his friends and people who really mattered.

Your emotions were all over the place when you finally got back to your dorm, replaying the events of the night in your head. You bounced between feeling enraged about everything he was and did, but little pieces of you going back to the way his lips and hands felt on your skin. Then you felt disgusted with yourself for enjoying it.

“How pathetic am I?” You asked out loud to yourself and laughed bitterly.

After showering and dressing down to go to sleep, you looked at your phone for the first time in awhile. You were surprised to find a string of texts from Kihyun, and debated just deleting them all, but your curiosity got the better of you.

Kihyun (12:05AM): where did you go?

Kihyun (12:10AM): did you go back to your dorm?

Kihyun (12:13AM): can i explain myself?

Kihyun (12:26AM): look i know what i did was fucked up but there was a lot more to it than that

Kihyun (12:37AM): will you at least tell me you got home okay?

Kihyun (12:55AM): fuck im sorry alright? just meet me for coffee tomorrow and ill tell you everything

Kihyun (1:05AM): please?

Kihyun (1:24AM): im going to bed, please text me back when you can. Its complicated and i just want to explain, then you can ignore me forever if you want.

Kihyun (1:26AM): goodnight

“He really has some nerve.” You said to yourself before tossing the phone on the nightstand and forcing yourself to sleep. It took awhile to get there, your thoughts unable to calm down for almost an hour. You slept uneasily that night, and you were glad you had nothing to do the next day, because you decided to stay in bed. It had been a long time since you had a lazy day to yourself, and what better time than a day you were upset and feeling sorry for yourself?

You were comfortably wrapped up in your blankets, laptop next you, ignoring the world until you got a text.

Kihyun (1:23PM): can we meet up?

You made an annoyed noise in your throat and put the phone back down, but it vibrated again.

Kihyun (1:24PM): whether you believe me or not, i called off the bet over a week ago. I just want you to know that.

You tried to ignore the positive knee-jerk reaction you had to that, and angrily typed out a response instead.

You (1:26PM): how do i know youre not lying?

It took him a moment to respond.

Kihyun (1:31PM): why would i lie at this point? What am i gaining?

He had a point, but you wouldn’t be easily persuaded.

You (1:33PM): idk, maybe a way to still win the bet somehow? I dont get how you douchebags operate.

It was harsh, but you felt it was deserved.

Kihyun (1:37PM): youre taking this bet way more seriously than we ever did. It was originally for a round of drinks and thats it, it was never that big of a deal. It was stupid, sure, but i stopped caring about it as soon as i got to know you.

You didn’t want to believe it, even though it made sense. Maybe meeting up with him would help you gauge him better, and decide whether you were having the right reaction. You didn’t have to forgive him,  but you could give it a shot.

You (1:42PM): I’ll be at the cafe in 15 minutes.

It was more like 25 minutes after you finally dragged yourself out of bed and threw on something. At least you bothered to change out of your sweat pants, it wasn’t like you needed to impress him anymore.

He was already there when you showed up, and when you sat down there was already a drink waiting for you, the same thing you usually ordered.

It was silent for a long time, Kihyun avoiding eye contact except to try and steal glances when you were looking away, leaning back in your chair with your arms crossed.

“You gonna talk or what?” You snapped, realizing not all of your anger had cooled just yet.

“Like I said, the bet was just something we tossed around while we were drinking, it was dumb guy shit.” He shrugged.

“Ah, so that makes it okay.” You responded sarcastically, and he shook his head.

“Not at all, but I guess I always feel like I have something to prove.” He cast his eyes sideways and let out a laugh, but he didn’t look happy about it.

“What do you mean?” You asked, steered from the conversation momentarily.

“What you know about me now, isn’t at all how I was when I was younger. In highschool I was just middle-of-the-road and kind of awkward. Like a lot of guys I wanted to be something more, so I did what I had to to fit in. Embellish how many girls I’ve hooked up with, join every club, laugh at every joke.” He shifted in his seat and half shrugged, “And it worked, so I just kept doing it. I liked the attention, the new friends, and the fact girls finally wanted to talk to me.”

“So why me?” You narrowed your eyes, feeling a little bit of empathy for him but not much.

He seemed hesitant to share, eyes darting around the room again. “Are you sure you wanna know?”

“I’m already mad at you, you might as well tell me.”

He took a breath before he spoke. “I thought you would be easy. I mean, not easy like in easy, but,” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. You sat silently, raising an eyebrow and curious as to where this was going.

“You seemed kind of shy and I noticed when you’re at parties not a lot of guys try to talk to you. I thought you might like the attention.”

You could feel your blood getting hot under your skin, and it was only because he was right. You did sit out on the sidelines a lot, and didn’t get as much attention as your friends. They told you it was because you didn’t try hard enough, and you convinced yourself it was because you didn’t want it. However, the way Kihyun treated you these past few weeks had felt great, and you hated yourself for it.

He must have been able to see the burning behind your gaze, because he winced before he quickly continued. “But I was wrong, you were a lot harder to get to than I thought. All my usual tricks didn’t work on you, and it started to frustrate me. I was determined to get you to at least go out with me.”

“So it was a pride thing.” You said steadily, and he nodded. “Pretty much, yeah.”

Okay, so the fact you bruised his ego a little did bring you some solace.

“Then out of nowhere you went out with me, and I was suspicious at first, but I went along with it. I didn’t think much of it, but we really got along. I liked talking to you.” He fidgeted with his coffee cup. “I actually forgot about the bet until someone brought it up, and I told them to forget about it. I thought it wouldn’t hurt if I just started to pursue you more seriously without mentioning the first part.”

“At what point did that happen?” You asked, wanting to know exactly how much of your interactions were fake.

“Almost immediately after our first date, when we were texting a lot. That’s when the feelings were real.”

You felt a blush creep up your cheeks and you tried to angle your head away, but Kihyun looked up and caught it, and a grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, but he tried to pretend he hadn’t seen it, for your sake.

“I understand if you don’t want to speak to me anymore, but I at least had to tell you the truth.”

You realized most of the anger had subsided, your body relaxing as you really thought over everything he told you.

“Do you…still….” You fought to say, but he already caught on.

“Yeah, a lot.” He said, before smiling is a mischievous way. “Last night wasn’t me trying to win the bet, that was just me doing something I really, really wanted to do.”

Again, a warmth pricked at the skin just under your eyes and you fretted with the sleeves of your sweatshirt. “I mean, if that’s the case, I guess we could try starting over.”

“Really?” He perked up.

“Fair warning, I’m difficult to impress, and even moreso now.” You said with a stern look.

“I accept your challenge.” He smiled with a nod.

“Fine, thanks for the coffee then.” You said as you stood, taking it with you as you went without another word.

“Wait, where are you going?” He called after you.

“Home, I don’t recall being properly asked on this date.” You said with a shrug, and waited until you turned around to giggle to yourself.

Only a few minutes after you got back to the dorm did you receive a text from Kihyun, giving you a heartfelt proposal to another coffee date.

You (2:43PM): idk, I might be busy this week.

Kihyun (2:45PM): we can make it quick, i’ll catch you before class and even walk you there if you want

You sank your teeth into your bottom lip to suppress the excited grin. So he really was as attentive and kind as he portrayed before.

He was true to his word come Monday, meeting you before class with your drink ready, and chatting you up happily as he walked you to class. It felt so natural you almost forgot about everything that had transpired, and reminded yourself to be cautious, at least for now.

This became a routine, something he did before all your morning classes, and you texted in between. Finally, you agreed to go on a real date, and he took you on a traditional dinner and a movie foray, which was more fun than you ever thought it would be. He walked you back to your door and idled there for a while.

“I’m not going to ask to come in.” He nodded, and you cocked your head to the side.

“Why not?”

He fumbled in his confusion, not expecting you to question it. “I mean, I’d like to, but-”

“Then come in,” You said, turning to unlock the door and walk inside, not even turning to see if he’d follow. He shut the door behind himself.

You kicked off your shoes and threw down your bag, taking off your coat and tossing it on a chair before you sat down on your bed. You reached over and clicked on your bluetooth speaker, the room filling with soft lo-fi sounds to ease the tension.

Kihyun stood awkwardly in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets, and you laughed out loud. He looked so out of character, timid and quiet as he admired your knick-knacks and made small talk. You liked him confident and flirtatious, but this was charming, too.

“What’s this, a spelling bee medal? That’s cute, I was never that great at spelling. Hey, this figurine looks familiar, is it from an anime?”

He was rambling and you watched with amusement.

“Kihyun, you can sit down.”

He side-stepped to your computer chair and let out a long sigh as he sat.

“I meant on the bed, with me.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

He came and sat next to you, still at a respectable distance and you laughed again.

“What happened to the Kihyun at the party?”

He cast you a modest side-glance.

“I didn’t want to assume, I’m trying to take things slow. I don’t want to mess up again.”

The sincerity in his softened voice made you want to melt, and you reached down to trail your fingertips over the top of his hand. He had more than proved himself lately, you thought to yourself.

“I decided to stop being so stubborn.” You explained, turning his hand over and taking it in yours.

“Oh?” He asked, staring down at your hands.

“Yeah,” You smiled, pulling his arm toward you. “And I decided you can kiss me. I mean, if you want to.”

He made a few noises, like he was finding something to say, but when he looked up you locked eyes with him and he forgot all about explaining himself.

The transition was swift, the way his eyelids lowered and his shoulders relaxed. Suddenly he looked like that Kihyun again and you felt a shiver go through you before he even touched you, and again when his lips met yours.

There was something subtle about his motions, how he cradled your head and how his lips moved to draw you in. It made your eyes flutter closed and your mind get lost in the feeling, like you were drunk without touching a drop of alcohol. You hadn’t felt desire like this in your waking world, only in daydreams.

You don’t know how it all happened, but it was slow and fast all at once, you on your back as your bodies pressed together, his lips moving from mouth to jaw to neck and back again, fingers playing through your hair as you gripped his shoulders or stroked his throat before moving up to the back of his head. You felt an insatiable sort of hunger, like you could absorb the feeling fully but not quite, always desperate for a little bit more.

You kissed until you were tired, lips sore and a few marks on your neck to show for. Kihyun swallowed and panted as he pulled away to speak.

“We don’t have to do anything else.”

“Good, because I kind of just like doing this.”

“Me, too.”

He eased himself next to you and wrapped you up in his arms, pulling you into his chest and nuzzling the crook of your shoulder.

“Thanks for the second chance, even though I probably didn’t deserve it.” He laughed, and you pushed yourself back into him.

“You’re still on thin ice.” You said firmly, but turned and planted a peck on his lips to let him know you were only half-kidding.

“Yes ma’am,” He mumbled, against your skin, sighing as he squeezed you once more.

[bluebrine]

it’s still... odd to me that other people had such different experiences growing up with this series than i did. i had such a personal relationship with it... seeing others talk about the sequels, what they liked and disliked for the series- and it’s like, really? we had very different childhoods (...story of my life, ha).

in my elementary school, our library only had one of the books- Dealing With Dragons (the one with this delightfully cheesy cover by Tim Hildebrandt lol).

(also, please note, there is no indication here that this is the first book of a series. just..... keep that in mind.)

haha, what if 🤭 ..... i was beautiful princess, and you were a dangerously charming dragon 😜 ..... and we were both girls? 😳💦 

good god, little me LIVED for this book. i checked it out & reread it over and over again- the librarian must have got sick of me at some point but i didn’t care lol. i stayed up too late reading it with a flashlight under the covers, i read it during class beneath the desk (i was not... particularly stealthy. they kinda just let me think i was getting away with it lmao).

i know every young kid likes books with fantasy and magic to make their boring lives less lame, but the way i buried myself in this one was... 100% pure escapism. (pour one out for all the weird kids who had no friends outside of books, am i right ladies?) 

the story has a theme of just..... running away from it all, cause everyone else apparently knows so much more about what’s Right for you- what interests are Right for you, what clothes are Right for you, what boys are Right for you, everything! everything was chosen for you, no dystopian YA lit required! 

(CAN YOU POSSIBLY GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING?)

i didn’t know what the concept of a lesbian was or why no one else thought it was weird that you couldn’t have interests that were Not Like Other People (the Right People), but that’s what this book meant to me. the entire core of the story was showing kids that you could pick your own hobbies, your own home, your own family & friends and it wasn’t up to the Right People to decide that for you.

fuck ‘em!!! run off to the mountains! live in exciting domestic bliss with a giant, well-read, protective dragon lady who can breathe fire and loves to eat your cherries jubilee every night (ABSOLUTELY NO METAPHORS HERE NO SIR)! back home your family is freaking out (but kinda relieved)- cause this is crazy, dragons are dangerous and ruin the women they steal away (where have i heard this before?), but also your family doesn’t... really miss you. they don’t actually want you back- as you were, anyway. once the prince sweeps you off your feet and away from the dragon’s evil clutches and properly marries you, oh sure, then you’re welcome back with open arms! (but that will never happen.)

fuck ‘em!!!!! make cool friends with other misfits and live a life full of adventure with the family you found along the way! there’s witches who live in eccentric homes with 50 cats, there’s neighborly old dragon grandpas who love chocolate pudding, there’s other girls who don’t think you’re weird and like to hang out and read magic books in the library too! you can make friends and be happy! it IS possible!

and that meant so much to me as a kid. i never fit in (i wonder why), i never seemed to like the Right stuff (I WONDER WHY), and for the things i did care about, i went about it wrong- according to the Right People, who didn’t much care about what i thought at all.

...anyway Dealing With Dragons is an allegory about the power of lesbian escapism & independence and i love it very much. i still love it, over a decade later. it’s a fun, captivating, whimsical little tale that means more than childhood nostalgia to me. i spent hours daydreaming about the story in elementary school, content with the characters and setting in a way that just... settled something in me. 

but then i read the other books.

because there were... OTHER BOOKS!? WHAT??? (again, i never knew it wasn’t a stand-alone story lol).

when i got to middle school and had a whole new library to consume, i naturally looked for my fav type of books- those with cool fantasy ladies with swords and dragons on the front (that’s a genre, right?). and, lo and behold, there were more parts to my favorite story!!! lads, i lost my goddamn mind. there were THREE MORE? WHAT??? utter batshittery. how had they kept this from me? i had to read them immediately. 

what would the stories be about? i saw Cimorene on the covers, sword-wielding and pants-wearing (’fuck yes’, said little me). what adventures would she get up to with Kazul, now that she was king of dragons? what would life in their new home be like? the new libraries and treasuries and kitchens would be massive- what secrets would they discover? what was living in dragon society like, now that they sat at the top together? what new recipes would Cimorene cook with her friend??? (that one was very important to me lol).

i checked out all of ‘em at once, and channeled deep into the obsessive focus that only a truly lonely middle school girl can attain. I was SO EXCITED for this. 

-- and got my heart ground to dust under Patricia C. Wrede’s heel.

...because, see, i hadn’t known there was an Enchanted Forest Chronicles. i hadn’t thought about what that actually meant. it, as inevitably as the tides, meant the incoming of the one thing that made me truly hate reading sometimes- romance. cause these books weren’t about Cimorene and her friends or Kazul at all. they were about a sudden love interest and the child Cimorene had with him cause of course that’s what fucking happened. what else was i expecting? what else could stories possibly be about? i read through all of the books, feeling a little more like somebody shot my dog with each chapter, and could only feel sick when she got married & pregnant at the end. i was 11 years old and i knew something was wrong but not why.

(aaand looking back now, was that baby’s first taste of queerbaiting? does it count if you do it to yourself?? ah, youth. i don’t let myself get my hopes up anymore.)

for a very long time, i hated the idea of love (...quite the oxymoron, that one). cause it always, always meant that the people i cared about changed in ways that i didn’t understand at all. what, some boy you’ve never met before shows up, and suddenly your important quest and friends and family are... an after thought? why? don’t you care about them? don’t you love them too? why does this always happen? why is there always a boy and love and babies and nothing else? (why, why, why indeed? and yes, i was one of those kids who got fucking mean when their friends started only looking at boys, how’d you know?)

anyways. i hated it. i couldn’t possibly have articulated why back then, but it always made me so mad, despite the fact that the words on the page were telling me that this was the best thing that could ever happen in life. that just made it worse, cause why am i getting so upset over this? it’s a good thing, objectively- they’re in love. they’re happy. why is it making me feel so fucking angry instead?

this series doesn’t really... deserve any of the repressed vitriol it made me feel, though. Cimorene’s love interest that appeared in book two, Mendanbar, is actually a pretty cool guy! he has an innate, natural connection to his magic forest kingdom. he’s sick of fairy-tale tropes, he has a sweet anti-wizard sword, he’s very kind and brave- and i fucking hated his guts (...lmao, sorry dude).

there’s nothing actually wrong with this series’s romances. the couples care about each other and support each other well. i’m glad for all the kids who got to see some happy romances, i truly am. but god, that wasn’t for me, and it probably wasn’t for the other lonely kids who picked up a book about running away from what the Right People wanted for them either. 

for a series about rejecting what society tells you is the Right thing to want, the characters just... end up wanting that exact same thing anyway. oh, the thought of marrying a man and spending your life with him, baring him heirs until you die, sounds unappealing? so distressing, in fact, you’d literally rather get eaten by dragons? WELL DON’T WORRY, this one particular guy is actually good! of course you’ll fall in love with him! you’ll want to be pregnant forever with his horrible frogspawn! you’ll be happy! 

...what do you mean this is what you were running away from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i spent... an inordinate amount of time as a child reading Dealing With Dragons. while i cannot possibly blame the author for my individual experience with their work, which WAS written as a series (the finale was written first, actually! way back in 1985), the fact remains that my interactions with them were... soured. 

in a way that was out of the author’s hands, really, but i just don’t know how to think about this series without that bittersweet hurt in my chest. i cried like, twice, writing this stupid, rambling essay thing, and i don’t actually know how to look past that. i suppose the tried-and-true method of just... rereading the first book and pretending everything’s fine always works lol.

i own a few different versions of these books. there’s a full set i was gifted later in middle school -the nice glossy ones, with Peter De Seve’s lovely cover art! -which i have never once reread. they’re in immaculate shape, really.

i also own an absolutely, completely beat-to-shit paperback copy of the same version i must have read a hundred times as a kid. its cover is creased and peeling, there’s a bunch of weird stains and rips and dogears, and i adore it. i picked it up this year at a used book place, and every time i look at it i can see some small, desperate kid who doesn’t even know they’re lonely but still curls up around that book again and again. 

[butterflyinthewell]

I’m going to tell you the story of why I love Godzilla.

When I say not to make fun of an autistic person’s special interests, I say it from a place of deep understanding and pain. For me, an autistic SpIn is like being in love, or (for the aro folks out there), it’s like being with your best friend ever and it just feels so comfortable and good.

Sooooo in January my dad mentions wanting to watch KOTM with me. Any excuse to watch KOTM is good, so of course I jumped on it. We watched Godzilla KOTM. It’s the movie I spent all of 2019 talking about from January to May. I got it for Christmas 2019 because mom knew I was going to want it as soon as the first roar hit the screen in the theater. (I took her to see it as a Mother’s Day gift, she liked it too.)

Lemme tell y’all something: when I was a young kid, my dad got me into Godzilla. Starting when I was around 5, he told me the stories of the movies he’d seen (the whole Showa era and Godzilla 1985). So I knew about Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, King Ghidorah, Minya, MechaGodzilla, Gigan, Hedorah, Megalon, etc long before I ever saw them.

My dad said “these are important characters.”

Then he started renting the movies when he felt I was old enough to not be scared by them (age 7 in 1987) and pointed out who was who.

And my first ‘real meeting’ with Godzilla was the same as the people in 1954, when he popped his head over that hill and roared that haunting sound I never forgot, and I was hooked forever.

I loved it. I loved all of it. Dad warned me about the ending of the ‘54 movie, so I wasn’t surprised by it, but I still cried! He got me over it by showing the the rest of them, as if to go “see, he’s okay!” Then dad warned me that Godzilla was ‘the bad guy’ again in Godzilla 1985, but didn’t tell me how it ended. I was reaaaaally upset when he fell into that volcano. I probably cried about it for three days. That scream still hits something in my soul.

My favorite childhood Godzilla movie is Godzilla’s Revenge. It’s the first Godzilla movie I ever owned. I loved Ichiro’s dreams of making friends with Minya, outsmarting his kidnappers and standing up to his bullies. I even tried to pick up Monster Island using a little portable am/fm radio I had as a kid. It didn’t work, all I got was static, but I sure tried! 😋

I wanted to be an island lady like Saeko from Son of Godzilla who could call monsters for help. I wanted to be a cyborg like Katsura, except I would use MechaGodzilla to make friends with Godzilla instead of trying to hurt him.

Anyway...

Dad’s interest in Godzilla stuff kinda dropped away as the 90s hit and my autistic traits began to make me deviate more and more noticeably from my peers. I had seen all the Showa era movies, so he stopped telling stories because there weren’t any more to tell.

My love for Godzilla carried on into the Heisei era and beyond. Dad acted like I should “leave that crap behind” when I kept buying movies and talking about them to him. He didn’t want to watch them with me or look at pictures in the Godzilla Compendium I picked up.

I didn’t stop my enthusiasm for Godzilla, I just stopped sharing it with dad. I kept at it through high school. I sobbed over Godzilla vs Destroyah because I thought that was the end of the franchise, and I can’t even mention what happened to Godzilla in that movie. If you’ve seen it, you know.

In the year 1998 the rumblings for the ‘98 movie started around New Years, so of course I made noise about going to see it. Because GODZILLA, y’all!

Well, dad surprised me and took me to see Godzilla ‘98 when it came out. I had been bugging about going to see it and he kept giving me a hard no, then had me convinced we were going to a baseball game that night instead. I did nothing to disguise my boredom or hurt in the car, and it broke when we pulled up to the theater. Okay, he pulled a fast one on me and he said I did an emotional 180 spin, but it was worth it. (I still like that movie, but I don’t call that creature Godzilla. I call him Zilla or GINO instead.)

Literally right after that my dad would get mad if I talked about Godzilla. He griped that I was “so obsessed with that stupid monster” and that I needed to grow up. I was almost 18, and I had, just not the way HE wanted, I guess...

Godzilla 2000 came out. Dad grudgingly took mom and me to see it, and I finally got to live my dream of seeing a legit Toho Godzilla movie in theaters. I was yelling and clapping (as were other people) and just had a huge blast. In the car, he told me to knock it off when I talked excitedly about what I liked in the movie. He slapped down all talk of Godzilla.

I still continued to be a fan. When more Millennium era movies came out, I grabbed them when I saw them on the shelves. I got everything from Godzilla vs Megaguirus to Godzilla: Final Wars in a little Japanese shop my dad found near where he worked at the time. I was in my early 20s then. I also got some figurines from that store: a Heisei era Mothra, a Heisei era King Ghidorah and a Millenium era (Final Wars) Godzilla. Dad rolled his eyes when I walked out with them in my arms.

And so began his weird pattern of indulging my interest, but getting upset at me if I talked about it. I was discovering the online fandom at this point, so I had another outlet, but still, it used to be our thing, and his behavior really stung.

I only discovered there were more movies in the Millenium era becuse I happened across GMK on HBO and realized I didn’t recognize that Godzilla suit or the setting.

Then I missed the ending because of a very badly timed phone call. But I was like “omg more Godzilla movies...hey dad, can we go to that shop?” (And then I was like a dragon with treasure when I came home....)

I grabbed the two Kiryu movies first because a certain fanfic author in the fandom had written some Mechagodzilla fanfics where Kiryu (Kiryuu in her stories) was sentient and sexy af. The idea of the original Godzilla being brought back as a robot was amazing and that author basically took the idea and ran it to another level. She’s the reason I headcanon the 54 Gojira as Heisei Godzilla’s dad.

ANYWAY, I got all caught up on the Godzilla movies and blew up to a boiling fan girl froth when the 2014 movie got advertised.

I took mom to see that becuse dad’s Parkinson’s had advanced so far that he couldn’t go out much anymore. Mom likes Godzilla movies and sci-fi in general. While she’s not as into it as me, she enjoys them for the entertainment. We both liked G2014, so I got it for Christmas.

We watched it with dad as a family, he said it was okay.

Through 2016 and 2017 I was rattling on about Shin Godzilla. Got that as a late 37th birthday gift because it came out on dvd a few days after my actual birthday. I watched it for the first time with dad, and he complained the whole time and kind of ruined the experience for me, which pissed me off. HE was the one who wanted to watch it with me, now I wish I watched it alone instead.

2019 came, KOTM happened. So that brings me to sitting down to watch it with dad. I was excited see his reaction to the monsters he introduced me to in childhood realized with modern cgi effects and all. I love seeing things that remind me of happy times in my childhood, and I thought those memories were fond for him, too. So I watched, waiting for him to recognize Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah.

He said nothing when they came onscreen. I got engrossed in the movie and sort of forgot about it, but when it was over I bounced up and asked, “Wasn’t it cool to see the guys you told me stories about when I was 5?”

I thought back while I waited for him to answer. I thought back on the stories, the fun and the movies.

I thought back on how my love for this character has grown, and how in KOTM it was physically realized in that painful moment when Ishiro Serizawa looks up at Godzilla with such reverence and lays his hand on his snout. I feel like that was Dougherty telling all the fans he sees their love for Godzilla and gives them that one singular, intimate audience with the big guy through Serizawa. Because who wouldn’t want to give him a pat on the nose and thank him?

The director of KOTM understands what Godzilla means to the fans. He understands how they feel and what they want. In my mind he gave it in spades.

But my dad...

My dad, the man who taught me enough to get me into Godzilla forever, looked at me in the eyes and said, “I don’t remember any of it. They’re not that important anyway.”

“These are important characters.” Much younger dad said to much younger me.

“They’re not that important anyway.” Older modern day dad said to older modern day me.

I thought my heart had stopped and my soul fled through the floor. This franchise, these characters he brought to me with such enthusiasm, something that grew into a lifelong love, meant nothing to him. It was as if he gave me a diamond and later told me it was worthless glass to him. Godzilla was and still is a huge part of my life and who I am, and dad acted like this “us” thing I thought we bonded over during my childhood didn’t matter to him.

It’s almost like he expected me to take passing interest and then move on, but because I’m autistic and because I relate to Godzilla so much, my interest turned into love and respect for the character, what he represents and the messages he has sent throughout the years.

Part of who I am is shaped, literally, by Godzilla, something that started because my dad told me he existed. And in a sentence my dad took that root from my childhood and ripped it out because he decided it was a worthless weed.

It’s not my love for Godzilla that was ripped out. It’s the love I thought my dad felt for me when he was telling me all those stories and showing me the movies. I’m sharing this because I love Godzilla, because I love what he represents and means to me, and I thought my dad shared it with me for the same reason. This is a very autistic thing...I’m sure autistic readers can feel my love for Godzilla just by reading this.

I thought my dad did, too, once.

But no. There was no love at all like I thought there was, so I was not pouring my love into an ocean that still existed, I was throwing it into a black hole.

Dad didn’t care to remember Rodan, or Mothra, or King Ghidorah. He didn’t care to remember what all that meant to me during my childhood because he doesn’t and never has cared about my feelings.

He doesn’t care about my feelings.

He wants me to shut up about Godzilla.

I will not.

I love Godzilla. I don’t need dad’s approval anymore. I will turn 40 this year (2020) and there is no stopping what began 35 years ago. The plant that grew around the root dad planted is shaped like me now, and like Biollante I will keep blooming because Godzilla was my first love fandom-wise and that admiration and love for him stands on its own.

Dad no longer has a say.

But, my God, my dad has this remarkable ability to tell me something is important when I’m young and then claim it isn’t so many years later. He’s done it for a lot of things, but hearing him say Godzilla isn’t important after instilling his importance into me at a young age just...gutted me...and it gutted me as much as the time he asked me what I did to make kids bully me when I was being bullied as a teen.

I got bullied because I’m autistic. I existed. He said it was my fault for being that way. I was a newly diagnosed teenager when he said that. It was 1995, ironically, the same year Godzilla vs Destroyah came out.

And I was an adult when he ripped at that root of Godzilla he planted in me.

Godzilla was the last part of my childhood that he hadn’t sunk his abuse into, but he finally did in January of 2020. Now there is no part of my life untouched by his emotionally abusive crap.

It shouldn’t hurt like this. I feel ridiculous to be hurt so deeply, but I can’t keep pretending that I’m not hurt by it anymore.

I will get over it. My absolute love and respect for Godzilla is something my dad can never destroy no matter how much he tries to shit talk about it. I’ve let him ruin so many things, but not Godzilla.

Godzilla will never be a trigger for me. He is an anti trigger. On this day of April 19, 2020, I’m realizing he is the protector my dad failed to be.

To all parents of autistic kids, be careful that you don’t belittle the things you said were important when they were young. Don’t introduce something that becomes a special interest, say it’s important and then belittle it when they grow up.

Even if you don’t think it’s important anymore now, even if you think it’s silly now, even if you didn’t know they were autistic at the time and would dive in like that, it may still be important to them.

It may become their safe place. It may become treasure.

Don’t try to destroy that safety. Don’t treat it like trash.

[stephfento]

( MARGOT ROBBIE, SHE/HER, FEMALE ⟩ we’ve been keeping an eye out for TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD STEPHANIE FENTON lately. they have been living in WICKERY FALLS for about SEVEN YEARS but something sparked my interest more. as it turns out - the FENTON family have indeed tried their best to tuck away STEPHANIE’S IMPATIENT tendencies, but it only seems to bring out HER PROVOCATIVENESS more. according to an anonymous source, SHE can be HUMOROUS. she is a pretty cool SCHOOL NURSE most shocking of all, it seems that STEPHANIE has been keeping a secret: one that could destroy HER life, but the thing is nothing stays secret for long, especially in WICKERY FALLS.

hello hello hello ! my name is jamie i am twenty one and im from the gmt timezone !! im super excited to get stuck into this roleplay and really get to know all of you and your muses ! my alltime fave is emma roberts and a good runner up is austin butler x enough about me tho ! let me introduce you to my QUEEN stephanie.

B A C K S T O R Y

Childhood

Stephanie was born to two loving parents just outside of San Diego, California. Her mother was named Helen, who was a midwife in their local hospital, and her father, David, was a banker, which often resulted in him working long hours, he worked in the city - so by the time he got home, he didn’t really have the energy to bond with his family. Stephanie had an older sister, by three years, named Charlotte and later in her life was blessed with a little brother, with two years between them, named Alex. As they grew into young children, a bond grew between Stephanie’s older and younger sibling. While Stephanie would see the way that Charlotte and Alex would play, she would spend more time with her mother, the two of them felt as if they only really had each other in the house, and over time they formed an inseparable bond - much to the disdain of Stephanie’s siblings.

As the years went by, and Stephanie started school, the rift in their family only seemed to grow. Her parents would argue more, and her siblings would purposely stop involving Stephanie in any plans. The Fentons still portrayed the perfect suburban family image to their mutual friends, to an outsider they seemed like they had everything together, but inside their façade was an ever-growing animosity towards each other. As Stephanie settled into the first couple of years of school she started to make friends, but her mother often found ways to get between her friendships, almost a level of jealousy that anyone would take away her relationship with her daughter. Unfortunately for Stephanie, as a young child she was blinded by the trust she had for her mother. Her mother always seemed to have a good reason for Stephanie to not visit friends, or have friends over, whilst her older sister seemed to have the freedom to see whoever she wanted - but even as Stephanie saw this, she felt it best to not question her mother. Instead, she would comfort her after arguments with her father, or help her with chores around the house, just to alleviate some of the stress.

Teenage Years

As Stephanie got older, and hit her teenage years, she barely spoke with her siblings, and shared a mutual dislike of her father with her mother, as she had only heard the negative stories from her mother - Stephanie’s mother made sure that the only opinion Stephanie could form of her father was the image that her mother wanted. Stephanie found that many of her friends stopped inviting her to birthday parties etc, as she was never allowed to attend anyway. Stephanie would complain about this to her mother and receive responses such as ‘Well are they really your friends then?” or ‘If they won’t invite you places, lets have our own day out.’ Stephanie would agree to these plans without any hesitation, she felt that her mother had no reason to lie to her, and really began to believe the lies that she was being spoon-fed. Stephanie knew to not even try and get a boyfriend, knowing it would be futile, especially with her strict parents, so any attention she received from boys she ignored, even as she got to the age of wanting to experience new things, she knew it just wouldn’t be worth the hassle trying to convince her mother to let her out. Stephanie finally started to realise that she had been trapped by her mother her entire life. She tried to talk to her sister about this but her sister had no empathy towards her, and just replied coldly “At least you finally can have a life.” Stephanie knew her sister was right, but it hurt her. She had no real friends at school, no siblings to share her issues with, and no boys to keep her entertained as a teenager. Through it all, however, Stephanie still managed to finish high-school with incredible grades, which promised her a bright future. Having an empty social calendar helped her to study at home and really achieve great results at the age of seventeen.

One evening, Stephanie was talking to her mother regarding her future career plans. She felt like she wanted to either go into studying Law or Business, and started to look into these fields at colleges around the country. Stephanie’s mother didn’t seem too interested as they spoke about these areas, and seemed to tense up at the mention of Stephanie moving across the country to study. Although Stephanie knew it would upset her mother, she also knew what she wanted to do in life, and how much she wanted to achieve, so for the first time in her life, it felt like she was finally choosing her own path. She applied to colleges throughout the country, knowing that at least one or two would accept her to be able to pursue a great life for herself.

Stephanie’s freedom didn’t last long. A couple of months passed after her conversation with her mother, and nothing more had been mentioned regarding her studies. Stephanie was sat at her desk in her room, when her mother came in, a smile on her face and a letter addressed to Stephanie in her hands. She took the letter from her mother, confused, and opened it. Inside was an acceptance letter to the nursing apprenticeship scheme that had recently opened at the hospital in which Stephanie’s mother worked. Stephanie stared at the letter for a few minutes, as she tried to process the information in front of her. Her mother had done the unthinkable, and chosen Stephanie’s life path for her. Behind her back, her mother had thrown away acceptance letters and written to colleges to withdraw applications that Stephanie had spent a lot of time and effort to perfect, and applied in her name to a nursing apprenticeship. Stephanie dropped her letter and left the house, her mother calling her back, but to no avail. She soon realised she had nowhere to go. Her sister had moved out, but never answered any of Stephanie’s calls. Stephanie tried to contact colleges to allow her another chance, but nothing worked. She was too late. Her fate had been sealed by her mother. She was forced to go into nursing, to work alongside her mother in the same building. But things would never been the same between them again.

Young Adult

Stephanie forced herself through her nursing apprenticeship - not because she wanted to, but because she felt as if she had no choice. Her entire childhood, the best years of her life, had been robbed by her mother. After the college incident between the two of them, things were never the same. Her mother and father finally split up, her mother receiving a big enough payout to allow her to survive on her own salary, in a smaller house, however. Stephanie’s brother, Alex, stayed with their father, and naturally Stephanie begrudgingly ended up with her mother. For a few months, her mother tried to fix things, but nothing would ever allow Stephanie to forgive the betrayal from her mother. Eventually, her mother gave up. They avoided eachother around the house, and even more so in the hospital where they both worked. Stephanie finally knew what it was like to be free. She started to make new friends, she was going out with her colleagues and forming lasting relationships with them, and finally had her first boyfriend, a student doctor by the name of Will. Their fling ended after a few months, but Stephanie finally had her taste - and she liked it.

Stephanie completed her nursing apprenticeship with flying colours, ready to experience her new found love for life, she hunted for jobs around the country, and found a school nurse vacancy in a town a couple of states over in Colorado. She applied - and the next thing she knew she was moving to Wickery Falls. Stephanie packed all of her belongings into a couple of bags, whilst her mother was out at work, and left their house, and her sheltered life in the past, where she felt it belonged.

Stephanie has spent the past seven years in Wickery Falls, with no contact with anyone from her past life. She finally could do the things she wanted to do, when she wanted, and managed to find a love for her job, although it was never what she really wanted, she made it work. 

P E R S O N A L I T Y

Impatient

Stephanie had lost her entire childhood and now feels like she has to make back all her lost time, so she does NOT have the patience to be waiting around - especially for people. If she feels like she is wasting her time by socialising or being anywhere near people she will happily drop them. If she gives you a time, she would expect you to be five minutes early. 

Provocativeness

Stephanie’s wasted youth had her yearning after one thing that she knew she had missed out on... and that was the touch of other human beings. If she could find herself in a situation where all eyes would be on her, she would take it. The shortest dresses, the brightest lipstick, and the designer outfits. Anything to make people swoon at her feet, just so she could have her fun. The thought of being tied down to one person just doesn’t appeal - they’d have to really knock her socks off.

Humorous

Through it all though, Stephanie still knew how to have a laugh, she took pride in knowing that she could make people happy. She spent her whole life trying to make her mother happy so that was all she knew... making people happy, through her sense of humour. Even if she has to knock herself to get a laugh, the joy she receives from a smile outweighs all her emotions.

Wanted Connections !!

Ex-Love Fling

male or Female muses to have had a fling with stephanie over the past 7 years, could have ended badly, a one time thing, im up for any of the dramaaaa x

Current Love Fling

as above, but still going on ! could be fwb, an affair ( ! ) or someone trying to finally crack through stephanie’s hard shell against relationships and be the one x

Ex-Student

someone that went to almeda high school where Stephanie is a nurse, did stephanie help with an issue, did your muse hate miss fenton? is your muse a parent that may have needed to talk to stephanie in the past?

Friends

best friends since they met? on and off friends? friends to eachothers face but secretly hate eachother? stephanie is still learning what real friends are and your muse could be one of hers !

Enemies

ex-friends? did stephanie have an affair with your muses love interest? did stephanie do something wrong? did your muse do something even worse?

Plus Many More

those are just a few ideas! i love to plot and brainstorm and figure out the best options so dont think this is a list of the only things i want! if you had any ideas throw them my way id love to chat to you all x

[sooghostwriter]

The Bee and the Fly

Pairings: Do Kyung Soo x OC

Genre: Mature,  Romance, AU, childhood friends, fluff, a tiny bit of angst because being a teenager is hard.

Summary: Kyung Soo and Eunji have been friends since always. Growing up together, finding themselves, following their dreams.

Part 2: Life, second cut.

 He was only one year older. 

Then why one year felt like a decade with him leaving and she staying there. And the closer the date was, the slower the days went by.

The day she was accepted, Kyung Soo called her at night, hurt because she didn’t give him the good news and he had to find out through his mom. She could barely speak, so his hurt faded away easily “I’m very proud of you Eunji, and I’m so glad you will be coming here, I miss you”

“Same”

“Are you happy?”

“Very” He giggled. 

“You can barely speak, I’m going to leave you then, and Eunji…I’m sorry if I disappear for some days, even a week…I noticed that in this environment when is just me, I tend to obsess over my work  and I forget about everything, I’m sorry”

“I can understand that, don’t worry, Am I going to see you soon? or I have to wait until summer?”

“Stop talking, you little Fly! Your voice! I’m planning on going for new year’s” She cursed, or tried to. 

“I’m going to Taipei to visit my grandmother” Their conversation that night left them both with their spirits on the floor. Kyung Soo was going back to Seoul the same day she arrived back from Taipei. He wasn’t going to come back during the summer, because he had work to do at the institute, and he needed to work to make money. Eunji was planning on moving to Seoul a couple of weeks before the beginning of classes. At least they would meet before being consumed by work. 

 A week before her move, Kyung Soo called Eunji telling her that he wasn’t going to be there for her arrival. He had to go to Busan with his classmates and one of his teachers for a workshop. She played it cool, but when he hung up, the rage brought some tears to her eyes. Why was it so hard to see him? She just wanted to see him, hug him and maybe if she was brave enough, daring enough, she would caress his face. She missed him like crazy, they were finally going to live in the same city, and the day she could see him again kept moving farther and farther away. 

 New years went by too slow. She had a lot of fun in Taipei. She went to all the night markets, visited several towns around the city and soaked into the suffocating heat of the city. No complaints. But all the time, upsetting her, at the back of her head was the thought of Kyung Soo at his house. Finally, at home. And she wasn’t there. 

 Summer wasn’t very different from the rest of the year for Kyung Soo. He was as busy as before. Between his part-time job, assisting some of his teachers at their studio, and working in his own art. His texts were few. Maybe one per week. But the day before she had to leave, he video called her from the train station on his way to Bussan wishing her a safe trip and promising that they would meet as soon as he arrived in Seoul.

She couldn’t sleep the night before. There was so much going on in her head, so many things were about to happen the next day. And in a couple of weeks, a new part of her life was going to start.

Starting university, new people to meet, new responsibilities, finding out more things about herself. It was terrifying. Thinking about meeting Kyung Soo kept some of her fear away. But not enough.

Her dad paid for the plane ticket for her and her mom to Seoul. As they were passing through security her mind kept repeating the words “I want to go home”. Because the closer she was to start this change, the more she wanted to stop all this from happening and just stay where she was. The anxiety that all this caused her settled on her chest, frightening her. She had to meet new people. After years of school, now she had to go through the same, but harder. To top all that she was going to be away from her mom for the first time, living by herself in a student residence.

She didn’t want to do any of this. She just wanted to stay at home, writing. Kyung Soo be damned.

It was too late now.

But a light of hope began shining on her fear spiral. This wasn’t unfamiliar. This fear and insecurity weren’t new to her. She had had it before, this initial fear. And she walked past it to then look back at it and realize how stupid it was. How nothing is never that terrible. 

This couldn’t be the exception. And she kept repeating that for the rest of the flight. 

Her mom helped her settle for a couple of days. Doing some paperwork at the Institute and at the residence, walking around the neighborhood with her to check how safe it was, etc. Just mom things that were done more for her comfort and calm than for Eunji’s. She didn’t complain. For sure this was harder for her mom. She wasn’t crying like Kyung Soo’s mom, her mom wasn’t like that, but when she went back home, she gave Eunji the longest and tightest hug she had ever given her. Then she kissed her on the cheek, holding her face and caressing her cheeks as if she was a little child.

 Kyung Soo called one morning when she was reading in her room. 

“I’m at the train station, I just arrived, but I’m exhausted, can we meet tomorrow?” She said yes, eagerly. Why hide it when Kyung Soo sounded as eager as she was?

 Kyung Soo’s residence was very close to hers, just two stations apart, so they arranged a meeting at a park that was close to their respective houses, just in the middle. Kyung Soo said to meet him at 12 o’clock at the fountain of the park, so she arrived there at 11 o’clock. It was a bit crowded since there was a food fair in the park, so she sat down on the edge of the fountain and searched for him. She probably looked like a meerkat.

Her phone vibrated with a message from Kyung Soo telling her that he was there. She lifted her head and combed the place until she saw him. His face, his round, and balanced face. His warm skin, smooth to the eyes and touch. His forehead, now bigger in appearance due to his shaved head. His thick eyebrows crowning his big dark eyes, his full lips, marvelously shaped. Her mouth whispered his name, and then shouted in desperation, wanting his attention. 

“Kyung Soo!” He saw her and the smile he gave her made her eyes water. She wanted to run to him, but Kyung Soo was quicker, and he was already there. Eunji received him in her arms and hugged him tightly. The realization that they could be close again fell on her like warm water.  She couldn’t control her shaking arms, nor could she explain her sudden loss of voice, or how she couldn’t move, just hug him. He was quiet too. His warm cheek pressed against hers and his breathing close to her ear. His hug, as always, was so warm and comforting. 

“Are you alright? Did you settle in your room? You like it?” She answered yes to all the questions.

“Were you too scared of coming here?” Why lie and try to act though with him? She nodded and Kyung Soo’s arms held her tighter. 

“Coming here is terrifying, I know, you could need some help sometime, you have me here, just ask ok?”

“Thank you” He took a deep breath and let go of her, but kept holding her hands. 

“You like where you are staying?”

“Yeah, a lot, it’s big and cute and very close to the campus” His eyes grew with the sudden realization. 

“Is the big one in the corner right?” She asked him how he knew it. 

“A classmate lives there” She felt something like the touch of a needle on her chest. The first sprout of jealousy in her life.  

“I don’t think you have met her, she was with me at Busan, I’m going to text her to tell her about you” She was quick to hold his hand so he couldn’t reach for his phone. 

“Do that later, let’s go somewhere” Her voice was back, but she could hear some bitterness in it. A year was a lot of time. A long year where he could meet so many people. Man and woman. 

“Ok, but it would be great if you met her, her girlfriend studies creative writing like you, but in another university” The needle fell with a deaf sound to the ground. No more jealousy.

Kyung Soo invited her to a dumpling shop just in front of the park. He said he was paying, as a welcome gift.

“I have more money now, so I’m going to take you out a lot, only happy meals though” They laughed together at a small table at the back of the packed restaurant.

Despite the number of calls, messages and video-calls, there was still so much that he had to tell her, so in front of her was a very talkative Kyung Soo. So much that he choked a couple of times. She felt like Kyung Soo was someone who went on a long trip and now was back with new secrets to tell from faraway lands. Parties, art fairs, classmates and teachers, small and big scandals around the campus. And as Kyung Soo felt like the traveler, she was the newbie who was about to board this train. 

“I knew you were going to make a lot of friends Kyung Soo” She told him after he shared some stories about his new friends and roommates “You always connect with everybody” He nodded absentmindedly, still not good in the art of receiving small compliments. 

“I’m planning on doing the same, connect, be a bit more open in university, be more social” That was in her to-do list, just under becoming a writer. She knew there was nothing wrong with being an introvert, but her fear of meeting people, and sometimes the laziness and cynicism involved in meeting someone kept her from potential great experiences. 

“Your work and mine are very lonely, which I think we both enjoy, and you see those two sides at uni, the artist, the designers, and the writers by themselves, and the dancers and the actors in big groups…but of course, it feels more like a community, for the welcoming of the new students they are organizing a lot of great things, all together” Multitudes, yikes. 

“Eunji, you always struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by groups, and we all search for the place where we fit, you find it at school, and then you press reset and have to do the same here, but I feel like more important than that is to own yourself, so you are not scared of not fitting in”

“Kyung Soo…I think I grabbed half of what you said” He giggled and took a couple of seconds to organize. 

“I’m trying to say that you will get both here, you are going to be very lonely, but also you are going to meet your second generation of friends, and is nothing to be afraid or insecure about…because I know how you get, I bet every night you wonder how much you would screw up if you went back home right now” He dared to finish with a half-smile as if reading her mind and sensing her biggest insecurities was a laughing matter. She made him stop and change the subject. She wanted to hear more from him. And he fed her with that. She heard so much about some of his friends that she wanted to meet them already. And if those friends brought that smile to his face, it meant they were good people.

After their lunch date they walked together to the station and took opposite directions to their respective houses. Before leaving, Kyung Soo grabbed her hand and made a promise. 

“I’m going to be there with you on the first day, ok? Just like when we were kids”

“Ok, thank you, but don’t go and check on me every thirty minutes, I am an adult now” He lowered his head, hiding his shy laugh. 

“I did that” He said between laughs “I thought you didn’t know, ok, I’m not going to do it” 

He said goodbye, still laughing in embarrassment.

That night, she left the book she was reading on the nightstand unable to focus on it. After leaving him she couldn’t stop smiling, as cliché as it sounded. Even the girls at the house made her notice it. And she wasn’t ashamed of it. There were so many reasons to be happy. The most important one  was meeting him again, of course. But there was so much more. Now they had four years ahead of sharing this together, without periods of loneliness and disconnection. She was also so incredibly happy that she met the same man that left. He was the same person she missed.

The same peaceful voice with careful thoughts. 

 ++++

 She was only able to sleep the night before her first day of class because she took an antihistaminic, and those always shut her down.

She woke up at 7 am the next day, completely rested and ready.

Kyung Soo offered to go and picked her up so they could go together, but she said no, she was an adult now. She did accept when he offered to wait for her at the entrance of the campus though. She was only three-fourths of an adult.

The first day went by very quickly. That year’s generation of students of creative writing was a group of 40 people, separated into two groups of 20 for most of the classes. It was a diverse group, although the majority were men. Most of them were the same age and most of them were just like her, people of few words, avid readers and with a clear bias for individual work. She got to talk with a lot of them, noticing quite quickly how easy it was. And although she mostly relied on the conversation of the people around her, she felt like she could express herself clearly, and also could hear and analyze everything that everyone was saying with ease.  

 The week was short but very entertaining. She noticed with a lot of glee that the program was just what she expected and needed. People who would help her polish her writing, who would tell her how to write, but not what to write about.

By Friday she was asking for some rest. But rest will come on Saturday because that Friday was the welcoming event for all new students and the celebration of the beginning of the year. Kyung Soo went to pick her up at her only class of that day so they could enjoy the festivities together.

“You are not doing anything?” She asked him since this was a gift from the older students to the new students. 

“No, I did a lot for the anniversary of the Institute, so I’m free” They went to the Greek-style theater so they could listen to the words of the president of the institution and the respective deans, followed by an amazing performance by the second year dance group. 

A staggering performance with music from Vangelis with references to the man on the moon. The main dancer, a tall man, with long legs and a lean body moved around simulating the lack of gravity, jumping high and falling lightly, flying around the stage with the help of the other dancers. But his face showed the fear and loneliness of the space. He danced with every muscle of his body, including the muscles of his face. 

“These people are really from second year? Not ex alumni?” He chuckled and confirmed what the dean had said. 

“They are from second year, I’m friends with some of them, I’m going to introduce them to you later” He didn’t say more. He didn’t say that he was best friends with the main dancer, she would have to find out about it later that night.

The people from the film department, Korean music, applied music, and theatre also performed and by the time that this huge festival celebrating arts was done, it was time for dinner and drinks. The entire campus turned into a food market, dance floor and bar. She was never a person that enjoyed parting. Mostly because the idea of going out with her classmates and friends was ‘Let’s find a way to get drunk` and ‘Let’s get into clubs where there’s probably a lot of people doing drugs`. All those settings caused her horror, so she refrained from them. And yes, there were already some people drunk at the party, but there were also people singing, dancing and even doing some art performances. Everything felt very safe. Even when there were close to a thousand people there. She shared a beer with Kyung Soo, toasting for the obvious and then they went in search of food. In their way, he introduced her to some of his friends and classmates, and her first impressions were quite good. They had just finished their serving of fried chicken when some of her classmates came to her and invited her to get together with the rest. She looked at Kyung Soo and without words he told her to go ahead. 

 The get together lasted about an hour, and she had a great time. But the night was still young, and she wanted to keep enjoying it with her friend. She called him to know about his whereabouts and he told her to meet him at the theater because the dancers were doing something. She walked for ten minutes before she noticed that she had no idea where the theater was. She kept walking, to not look lost and pulled out the GPS of her phone. Which didn’t help a lot, since she wasn’t sure where she was either. 

“You need help?” A rather loud voice spoke to her, and when she turned around to look at the person asking, she only met a chest, she had to look up to meet his face. It was the dancer from before. 

“I need to go to the theater, but I forgot which way is”

“Oh, first year! I am heading there, wanna come with me?” It was crowded enough to not fear for her life, so she accepted his help. 

“I’m Jongin by the way” She introduced herself, getting a pout in response. 

“Your name sounds familiar…from where?” He pondered for a while until he gave up and asked her the second obvious question. 

“What are you studying?”

“Creative writing” His cheer surprise didn’t sound fake. 

“That’s cool, I’m studying dance, second year”

“I know, I saw you today, it was so beautiful” She could swear she saw him jump a little bit with her compliment and made sure to thank her profusely. The noise coming from the theater sounded closer, and she could see the lights now. He asked her if she was meeting someone and she said yes, her friend Kyung Soo. 

“Do Kyung Soo? From second year?” She nodded. 

“Me too! We are friends, oh my god, now I remember, you are that Eunji! His friend, I can’t believe I’m meeting you! You are finally here, he must be happy” He elongated the last sound of his sentences and giggled like a child. Who was this approachable, innocent young adult that looked so godlike some hours ago on stage? She was tempted to ask if he had some kind of split personality, but that was rude. It was easy to spot Kyung Soo in the small crowd that was watching the dance performance on stage. As soon as they reached their friend, Jongin began patting his back.  

“She is here, she is here, we met by accident, can you believe it?” Kyung Soo introduced them again, just to be polite and then their focus went to the traditional dance performance on stage. After that, they watched another two performances and agreed to go for food somewhere else.

They took her to their favorite place “We go there when we stay until late at the campus working, always after dancing I feel very hungry” The place was small but warm and the smell lingering in the air was a strong predictor of how good the food was. 

The conversation was easy with the two of them. With Kyung Soo for obvious reasons, but Jongin drenched every question with so much curiosity that she felt compelled to answer clearly and lengthy. 

“Why writing?” Jongin asked her, giving her time to answer. 

“I write…in hopes to dig something with language, I’m not sure what I am digging but I believe in the power of language and words, which is express”

“Get something out there,” He added. 

“Yes, exactly”

“I don’t read, it takes time and also, you can’t dance when reading” He sounded apologetical, but Eunji appreciated the honest confession, risking sounding stupid or ignorant. Kyung Soo laughed and patted his arm. 

“When Jongin is not sleeping, he is dancing or eating”

“I’m not judging you, actually it makes sense” She told him, so he wouldn’t get self-conscious. 

“I watch movies though, Kyung Soo takes me to the movies often, so whatever book you have read, I watched the movie for sure… It, for example! Did you read it?”

“Yeah, when I was 12” His eyes went big and round and his mouth fell open. 

“12?! How?!  It is terrifying!” Kyung Soo told her how Jongin had a hard time sleeping after watching the movie, but Eunji didn’t remember being scared watching the movie. She told this to Jongin, and he looked scandalized.

 When they were ready to leave Kyung Soo went to the bathroom and they waited for him outside. Staying alone with people she had just met always made her uncomfortable. There was a silence that was supposed to be filled, and she always felt the pressure to do it, but never did. 

“You remind me a lot of him” Jongin said, grinning at her “I can’t tell what you guys are thinking, but I would trust you both with my life” She laughed nervously and was quite surprised by his comment. 

After Jongin went back home and Kyung Soo walked her to her dorm, the words of her new friend came back to her, and slowly they began to make sense. As they walked in comfortable silence, at the same speed, she began contemplating a beautiful idea in her head. She and Kyung Soo were from the same species. She felt equal to him. She understood his language, all of them. And he understood hers. Even when they lived different lives, she knew there was something in their brains, heart, and blood that was the same. They seeked silence and solitude. Their minds were slow-paced. And yes, they developed in different contexts, they had different survival skills, but the base was the same in both of them.

They were old souls. An old and cliché concept that now was the most accurate for her to describe them.

 ++++

 The first month of classes was fast, messy and hard.

Getting accustomed to all the new things wasn’t hard for her. In fact, it was something that she secretly craved. The freedom, compared with high school, that university gave you was like a big gulp of water in the desert. You knew that at some point you were going to die, but that instant satisfaction of finally having something you wanted was good enough.

She had something on her side though. There was a lot of reading during the first month. A lot of ‘Learn this style, analyze this writer, you haven’t read Chejov? How could you?’. 

Well, she had read Chejov, quite recently. She even had her notes about all his tales. That was a gift from the Eunji from the past that meant less work for the Eunji of the present. 

“See how being a bookworm and a nerd paid off for you” Kyung Soo said, messing with her. 

“Oh Kyung Soo, I always knew it would pay off, I already read seven out of the ten books they asked us to read this first trimester” She asked him how things were looking for him. 

“This first semester for us is mostly about learning whatever technique they are teaching us, as we work on our final project” Kyung Soo’s project from the past year gave him reasonable popularity at the Institute. It consisted of a set of hyper-realistic paintings of wild herbivores in ferocious positions. 

“It’s something like the rebellion of the weak one” He explained to her. She didn’t like it a lot, it was a bit grotesque for her taste, but the execution was amazing. When he showed the paintings to her, he immediately could tell what she was thinking “You don’t like it” He said calmly, smiling.

“Is not my cup of tea, I’m a bit scared of that deer”

“I know” He answered between laughs. She was glad he didn’t get offended.

 ++++

 Eunji never thought her university life could be so good. In her first three months, she spent two nights without sleeping because of a short story about politics she had to submit, and she knew nothing about politics. 

She ended up at the infirmary one time she skipped breakfast, and lunch and any kind of food for about 20 hrs. She got her first bad grade, which ended in a small breakdown in front of Kyung Soo and Jongin. She got a part-time job at a coffee shop that belonged to Jongin’s sister, she had to serve customers, which wasn’t her favorite thing to do, but the pay was good, and the food better. All these things sounded kind of terrible, but for her, it was part of the experience. And she felt how she was growing, slowly, but steadily. She faced things that she never had to face before, and she was able to overcome them. And there were all kinds of things, with different difficulty levels, from using the subway without getting lost, to settling a disagreement with a girl from her dorm. 

 One new thing that happened to her, and wasn’t her favorite, in fact, she was pretty sure she wasn’t going to repeat it, was getting drunk.

It happened at a small gathering with her classmates to celebrate the end of their first round of exams. This was her first time drinking, she informed her friends about it, and they didn’t force her to drink or anything. But they didn’t stop her either. After two bottles of soju, she was gone to the world. It surprised her that her drunkenness expressed as non-stop giggling, a bit of somnolence and a desire to drink more. Her closest classmate almost friend, Jongdae, stopped her from doing it “Tell me the name of that bald guy who’s always with you so he can come and pick you up”

“You take me home, you are my friend” He laughed loudly, grabbing her right index finger to unlock her phone. 

“No no, I’m going to drink a bit more and then head to my girlfriends home, your boyfriend has the responsibility of picking you up”

“He is not my boyfriend!” She hit the table and pouted at him. 

“Oh, look at you being so cute, ok, tell me the name of your friend so I can call him” She mumbled his name and went back to giggle about the very fun shape of the shrimp in front of her. She could hear Jongdae talking next to her, but couldn’t understand what he was saying. 

“Kyung Soo says that he is going to be here in 20 minutes, so we are going to eat and not drink until he comes here ok?” She quite liked the fatherly tone he used with her, it made her feel at peace. 

“Ok dad…no more soju for me, hey! Dad! You are not Jongdae, you are Jongdady!” She saw Jongdae trying to hide his laugh as he flicked her forehead, but it was too late, everybody heard it and now it was his new nickname “You are going to pay for this Eunji”

As promised, Kyung Soo arrived 20 minutes later and dashed to her table. He introduced himself to the people seated around her and then sat behind her. Eunji was resting her head on her hand, drowsing for a bit. 

“Is she really drunk?” Kyung Soo asked Jongdae. 

“Yes, we stopped her as soon as she began showing signs of drunkenness, since this is her first time” Kyung Soo patted her back, she turned around and smiled brightly at him, mumbling his name as she held his cold hands. 

“I thought it was a good idea to call her boyfriend since she can’t leave like this by herself” Eunji heard the words of betrayal from Jongdae and felt like  Julius Cesar. 

“Jongdady?!” She asked in astonishment, trying to attack back. Everybody around them laughed except her and Jongdae. Kyung Soo looked as if he wasn’t paying attention to it and just helped her get up. Everybody said goodbye, loudly and lovingly and she left by his arm. Walking wasn’t really hard, but she was now very tired, and her head felt somehow bloated. Kyung Soo walked in silence, but smiling. 

“What are you thinking Bee?” Kyung Soo snapped his head, looking at her with surprise. 

“You haven’t called me that in years Eunji, I thought you have forgotten about it”

“It's just that you are not a bee anymore, you are a bumblebee now” She shared the joke that she told herself a while ago. Kyung Soo laughed, that goofy laugh she liked so much, and brought her closer to him to cross the street. 

“Why a bumblebee?”

“You are not small anymore, now you are big and manly, although I wouldn’t say that bumblebees are manly, they are still very cute, and you are very cute too, so bumblebee it is” This time his laugh was a shy one, and he mumbled something, but it was probably only for himself to hear because she couldn’t grab what he was saying. 

“So if I’m not a bee anymore, what are you?” Eunji took a while to answer thinking about what insect she had evolve into. 

“I don’t know enough about insects to answer that Kyung Soo, but I will say I’m just a bigger fly now, my eyes are still very big, I’m still hearing what everybody says without being noticed and as a fly I’m insistent, I’m still here with you, buzzing in your ear, I’m still here even if you batted me away”

“I never batted you away” She shrugged, holding onto him strongly since they were walking down the stairs. 

“I know, I was just building some drama, I am a writer, Bee” He patted her hand laughing softly. He sat her at one of the seats in the platform and texted someone over the phone. 

“I’m going to take you to your dorm ok?” She nodded, resting her head on the wall. 

“You think they would let me in?”

“Sure, you are harmless” He mumbled again, but this time she could understand him. 

“I hope so” He said, but her drunk brain decided to keep quiet and not comment on that. The train ride made her feel very dizzy, and all her strength went to not vomit. Kyung Soo rubbed her back and helped her breathe better so she could subdue the nausea. The voice over the speaker announced her station and she got out immediately. Quickly, Kyung Soo stood next to her and grabbed her hand for support. The fresh air outside the station made the nausea disappear, but not the drunkenness. 

“Kyung Soo, as a thank you for bringing me here, I’m going to write another character based on you”

“Another?” She huffed, waving her hand. 

“Bee, you are in every single story I have written”

“I am? Why?” Eunji shrugged dismissively. 

“In that way I missed you a bit less”

“You missed me a lot?” Eunji could only release a long sight, if she voiced her feelings, she could end up crying. And she didn’t want to be the crying drunk girl. Kyung Soo apologized, but she didn’t need an apology, there was no reason to apologize.

They arrived at her residence and Kyung Soo had to take care of opening the door, since she was trying to do so with a pencil. Since it was a Friday night, the place was empty. She told him where to take her and finally, after what felt like an eternity, she could lay on her bed. She rolled over it until she found a comfortable position as Kyung Soo went to her bathroom. He appeared with a glass of water and helped her sit up so she could drink it. She wasn’t thirsty, but either way, she drank the entire glass. 

“Tomorrow morning drink some more water ok? And take some medicine if you need it” He got up, ready to leave, and Eunji felt desperation crawling up her chest. 

“Don’t leave, why are you leaving? Stay” She reached for his hand but couldn’t grab it. 

“I can’t stay here”

“Says who?” He didn’t answer. 

“Are you sure Eunji?” She nodded and moved her body to the edge of the bed against the wall.

“Come here” She patted the spot next to her and in the darkness, she could see his wavering stare. She insisted, pouting and complaining a bit because she was drunk and drunk people were allowed to act spoiled. To that Kyung Soo gave up and landed on her bed with a thud, smiling softly. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked in a whisper.

“Good, hey, tomorrow I’m going to feel like crap, right?”

“Maybe not, your friend Jongdae said you didn’t drink a lot, so you are probably going to be ok”

“I am a good drunk people? person, a good drunk person?” He laughed brushing her hair away from her face. 

“You are a very good drunk person, it was my pleasure to take care of you”

“Thank you Bee”

“Call me whenever you need me ok, I’m here now, you don’t have to miss me anymore, use me”

“I don’t miss you, no, I get to see you every day, it’s like a dream”

“You like seeing me?” She nodded, feeling a bit drowsy, Kyung Soo was talking a bit too much, asking so many questions. 

“Remember the last time we shared a bed Eunji?”

“Yes, for my birthday, best birthday ever”

“I enjoyed it a lot too” She really wanted to sleep, but Kyung Soo had another question left. 

“Eunji, are you going to allow me to read your stories where I’m a character?” Her response was absolute. 

“Never, or maybe someday, maybe after our wedding” Kyung Soo didn’t speak again, and if he did, she didn’t hear him because sleep decided to take over at that exact moment. 

 ++++

 There were some things in life that you hear about in movies, books and on TV. One of them was the myth that you don’t remember anything that happened during a moment of drunkenness.

Everybody was right. It wasn’t a myth, at least not for her.

Eunji woke up to a sleeping Kyung Soo, in her room, on her bed. Right off the bat, she couldn’t remember why he was there. Not that she was worried, but a bit of explanation was always great. She remembered going for drinks last night…then getting drunk…and well, on the bright side, she was fully clothed.

It has been a while since she got to see him like this. Since her birthday actually. Kyung Soo’s features looked a bit harsh, with lines forming on his brow, whatever he was dreaming, it wasn’t calming. But he didn’t look mad, he looked focused on something. Poor thing was probably working on his sleep. Her arms were touching his, and she could feel his warmth. Eunji wanted nothing more than to curl up into his chest, cover themselves under the blanket and just cuddle for the rest of the morning. Kyung Soo was still a brick. The only movement was the slow rise and fall of his chest. His lips were slightly open, making him look adorable. She kept looking at his face for a while. She always did her best to not do that. Her rule was to look at Kyung Soo only when they were talking.  But now he was dead to the world and he wouldn’t notice an innocent stare.

Or maybe not so innocent. She focused so hard on his lips that now she wanted to kiss him. Kiss him until losing her breath and even after that just keep kissing him.

It surprised her a little bit noticing that this was the first time she had a thought like this. Even when she has been pining for him for so long, her thoughts lacked carnal passion and relayed only in some kind of dramatic romanticism.

Now she felt both.

If she was very careful maybe she could touch him. Cares his lips with the tip of her fingers, draw the line of his eyebrows, if she was daring enough, she could pass her hand over his freshly shaved head.

She could move a bit closer and maybe hide her head under his chin, move just a bit closer so she could rest against his chest and get more of his warmth. And if he woke up, she could always say that she was asleep. Maybe she was still a tiny bit drunk from last night because convincing herself to move and get what she wanted took her a second. She wiggled closer to his side and sunk her head under his chin, her nose resting against his collarbone. His arms were on her way, and she really didn’t know what to do with hers, but it was good enough. Kyung Soo stirred in his sleep, stretching and sliding one of his arms around her waist. She tensed, already acting up as if she was in deep sleep. 

“Eunji?”

“Huh?” Damn it. She cursed a million times in her head. So much for her acting. 

“How’s your hangover?”

“It’s ok I guess, I feel ok”

“Good, then let’s sleep some more” He brought her closer to his chest and after a long deep yawn, he went back to sleep.

She couldn’t. 

 ++++

 As her world opened during the last four months, some habits changed on her.

Her eating habits, her social habits, her sleeping habits. And her writing habits weren’t an exception. She used to lock herself in her room and write non-stop for an entire afternoon. No breaks in between.

Now she liked to move. One week she would write at the library of the campus or a coffee shop. Sometimes when creativity, and mostly will, were out of duty. There were two places that inspired her the most. Kyung Soo’s shared studio and Jongin’s rehearsal room. Sometimes Kyung Soo would go with her to Jongin’s rehearsal room and sketch, or sometimes Jongin would go to Kyung Soo’s studio with her and watch videos to study for his performance. It was mandatory to keep your artistic flow moving and everybody there did what they could to do so.

It was Friday morning and she only had one class on Fridays. After that, she went to Kyung Soo’s studio with Jongin and they hung out together until Kyung Soo’s next class. This time Kyung Soo wanted to change plans. 

“I don’t want to be here, I spent most of the morning here trying to do something with that lump of clay and nothing came, I’m incredibly frustrated, can we go somewhere else?”

“I need to rehearse for next week, want to come with me?” Jongin offered and they both nodded. 

 Jongin closed the curtains of the room, winter was showing its arrival and the cold slipped past the glass of the room. Eunji and Kyung Soo settled on a mat on one corner of the room and immediately she pulled out her computer to finish editing Jongdae’s story. They helped each other proofreading their assignments. Kyung Soo on the other side pulled out his camera and asked Jongin if he could take some pictures of him dancing. 

“What for?” Asked Eunji after Jongin agreed. 

“I have something in mind for my final project” She asked more questions, what, why, who. 

“I have been doing some research in human sculpture…and all I find are mythological creatures, biblical characters or european people, I want to make sculptures with Asian people as models, I began working with clay, and I have been studying human form”

“Why clay?” She asked in complete ignorance. 

“I think is the best product for a poor student like me, rock or marble are too expensive and require a knowledge of the technique that I don’t have, and can’t learn by the end of the year, also renaissance isn’t a thing anymore, so sculpting in stone is for crazy people”

“And you want to use Jongin as your model” He nodded, grinning at her. 

“I haven’t asked him yet, I’m not sure what I want from him as a model” She supported his idea commenting on how gorgeous he was. Kyung Soo agreed. 

“Not for nothing his nickname is god”

“He totally embraced that name,” Kyung Soo agreed, giggling. 

“You became very close to him, I’m glad, also you come here often to write” He said, and she knew that he was trying to talk with her, he was in that mood probably, so she closed her computer to give him all her attention. 

“Yeah, he is the sweetest, and coming here to write helps me focus, as I write I can hear the music, his sneakers scratching the floor and his loud breathing, is like white noise, if I lost my line of thought it helps me to go back in track, he is always so focused, it’s like trying to follow his rhythm, he as a very positive energy too…it’s very easy to talk to him and just be around him, I trust him” Kyung Soo smiled, looking at her in silence for a while and she had to ask him what was he thinking. 

“You don’t show it and you think I can’t see it, but you always feel so strongly about everyone, I think that’s why you allow only a few people in your life and I’m glad Jongin is one of them, he deserves our love and everybody needs someone like him around” Sometimes it terrified her how much he knew her. How easy it was for him to read into her behavior and how understanding he was. It was discouraging to know that someone like Kyung Soo was like a comet that passed through our atmosphere once every fifty years. 

“My first two months here were rough, there were so many new people and it was so weird to think about them as future collages because I met some of them and they are crap Kyung Soo, and to think that maybe some of them will share some success is so…crappy” He chuckled at the word she chose but understood her. 

“I imagine it must have been hard to share so much time with so many new people, I didn’t ask you anything because you didn’t say anything to me, but…you know” She chuckled bitterly. 

“I meet a lot of people and a first sight everything was fine but after a couple of weeks I began feeling like such an outsider, which I don’t think I am, but my brain was sending all these signals”

“You can’t pretend to fit immediately”

“No, of course not, but after a while I saw myself and I noticed that I didn’t need to fit because of none of us does, I just needed to adapt temporarily, in certain situations and with certain people, and then back to my own self…I just like that all of us are studying in an environment of respect and camaraderie, that’s enough for me…and for friends, I have Jongdae, and is more than enough” Her stomach hurt after speaking so much about herself, not like the pain of a stomach ache, but more like the pain of running without breathing properly. She was tense and spoke too fast when it came about talking about herself. And there was always that moment after finishing a long rant about herself when she imagined the other person acting indifferent. Even Kyung Soo.

In fact, imagining him acting indifferent was her biggest fear. But he only looked into her eyes, and she saw how he knew. He knew and understood, and he was interested, he was listening. Through his eyes, he saw and understood how she felt, maybe even before she could say anything. 

“Hey you two, you are only there chatting, what about me? Look at me so you can give me feedback”

“We are so sorry, take off your t-shirt so I can take better pictures” Kyung Soo told him, making Eunji giggle nervously. Jongin complained a little bit but did as told. He danced again, with their attention on him, and when he was done, of course perfectly, Kyung Soo whispered to her. 

“I think I’m sculpting one of these shirtless pictures”

“I think you should, your hands are tied Kyung Soo” They fist bump and Jongin came to them, grumpily telling them how he felt left out.

 ++++

 She didn’t see Kyung Soo for almost a week. He apologized saying that he was developing his final project and he had to show the first proposal to his teacher. She felt a bit self-conscious. He was already working on that, should she start working on hers? 

“No, he is like this because they evaluate the entire process, and also he normally develops a small collection of pieces, so it takes time” Jongin tried to calm her down. 

They were done with their classes and she had to study but she didn’t feel like doing so. 

“Want me to distract you even more?” He asked excitedly as they left the campus behind. She accepted his vage proposal. 

“We haven’t had the chance to go out together, let’s go for an early dinner and chat a little bit” Eunji liked the idea. 

And he was right. They became friends through Kyung Soo, but they never shared much time by themselves, only when she went to his rehearsals, but they barely spoke during those situations.

He took her to a tent bar close to the subway station. The sky was getting darker and the cold was perfect for a shared bottle of soju and a couple of spicy dishes. Jongin led the conversation, fortunately, and it went from how their day was, to gossiping and somehow it moved to Kyung Soo and what was going on between them. 

“We are friends” She answered on autopilot. Jongin giggled, batting his hand adorably. 

“That is not true”

“It is, we are friends”

“Yes, but not just friends” She didn’t answer “You know, when I meet him we hit very quickly, and he got along with a lot of people, he was and still is very popular, I saw him reject a lot of people, and he never paid attention to anyone, I mean, he never showed interest in anyone, I thought he was asexual or something, until he began to share more about his life, and about you, and I thought, oh, he is not asexual, he is just in love” Eunji rolled her eyes and tried to hide behind her bowl or ramen. 

“Shut up” Jongin giggled again. 

“But it's true! And it was so much clearer after you came” If she was going to talk about this with someone, she could do it with Jongin, she thought. She never shared anything with anyone, especially the matter related to Kyung Soo. She never had the need to do it, but maybe an opinion, a view from the outside could be good. 

“You think?”

“Don’t you?” He raised an eyebrow, mocking her a tiny bit. 

“I don’t dare to think about that”

“I asked him about this a couple of times and he said nothing, the third time I asked he pinch me here and it left a bruise, now that I think about it, it was quite wise because look at me now, talking about him with you” He was right, he could have told her what Kyung Soo trusted to him. Maybe he could tell Kyung Soo what she would share with him. 

“Of course I’m not telling him anything you share with me” Eunji jolted thinking he had read her mind. Jongin’s phone rang, taking his attention away from her. 

“It’s him!” He shouted before picking up. After a call that lasted a couple of minutes he hung up and looked at her with mischievous eyes. 

“He said that I shouldn’t let you drink more than a bottle of soju and if you did, I have to call him so he can come and pick you up, he is sorry that he can join us but he is working” He held her stare, waiting for her to say something, moving her eyebrows up at down, up and down. 

“Stop it Jongin”

“Eunji!” He whined “He loves so much is stupid”

“We have known each other for such a long time, of course he would take care of me”

“Yes, that’s true, but let’s not talk about how he feels, how do you feel? Would you call me just to end up talking about him?”

“That’s what we are doing now”

“You know what I mean” Eunji took a deep breath and ate the last spoon of soup weighing this situation. It was unknown to her why he was asking so much about her relationship with Kyung Soo. Could be innocent curiosity, maybe he wanted to be part of it, to make a connection between her and Kyung Soo. But if she was going to talk about this with someone, why not Jongin. There wasn’t a single hair of evil in his body, so for sure he could only have good intentions with all this. 

“If you are asking me if I care about him, of course I do”

“I feel like you are part of who he is by now” He commented not giving too much importance to what he was saying. So probably he didn’t know how his words sounded in her head. Because if Jongin was right, she could understand that, it was the same for her. 

“He has influenced me so much, he as conquer me in the most precious way, I don’t feel possessive towards him, I don’t feel selfishness, I just want to be like him, to learn from him how to be peaceful, loving, respectful, I want to be a great person like him, and not just because I want to be good for him, it’s because he taught me that’s how I want to be treated and how everybody should be treated”

“And it has been like that since you guys were kids”

“He taught me all this when we were just kids”

“You love him since then?”

“I don’t think so… I mean, I have loved him always, but in different ways, the love I have for him now is different from the one I felt as a child” After that ping pong session of questions, Jongin kept quiet, a soft smile on his lips. 

“Were you checking if I was good enough for Kyung Soo?”

“Maybe, look, we are all very protective of him, I think you can understand that?” 

“I punched some faces in preschool because of him, so yeah, I understand” Jongin held his hand in front of her, waiting for a high five, to which she answered reluctantly. His phone ringed again with a message. 

“He is asking if we are still here”

“Tell him I left, this was too much for me, it’s going to be weird” She was thankful that he didn’t insist. She paid for her food and left Jongin there.

She decided to walk home, it was dark, but the streets were still busy, and it only was a 30-minute walk. She needed some time to relax, to digest all the things she said and all the things she heard and then go to sleep.

What Jongin told her didn’t surprise her. Of course, she wasn’t going to bet all she had on his suspicions about how Kyung Soo felt. But she could have some hope.

Just a bit of hope.

 ++++

 She was in the middle of her first class that morning when she got a text from Kyung Soo. He wanted to talk with her. She still had an hour left of class so he told her to go to his studio once she was done. 

She didn’t have the chance to think about it because she had to present an assignment. As soon as she was done with her class, she walked to the two-floor building where the art studios were and searched for Kyung Soo’s.

He was sitting next to the window carving a bust. She knocked and he waved at her telling her to come in. 

“Is that Jongin?” She asked, recognizing his cheekbones. 

“Yeah, it's just a study though, you like it?”

“Looks just like him, you are planning on making a sculpture of his whole body, right?” He showed her his sketches of Jongin standing gracefully in the midst of doing a spin. She could imagine how majestic the sculpture would look. 

“And he agreed to do it?”

“Yeah, he was a bit unsure, when he is not dancing he tends to be a bit shy, but he said yes… actually, I asked you to come here for something related to this” Eunji felt something on her knees and back. A bad feeling maybe. 

“I have to present the final proposal for my art project to our teachers’ tomorrow, and I need to ask you something?”

“What is it?” Kyung Soo doubted for a couple of seconds. Looking at his knees, finding a place where he could hide his stare. Eunji became a bit anxious. She suspected what he could need, but also she wasn’t prepared for that suspicion. 

“I find this project very intimate for me, is something I always craved to do, to work with clay and to represent the human body, and I would love to…I would be so glad and honored if you could model for me, for one of my sculptures” She repeated his last four words, shocked, for lack of a better word. Kyung Soo asked her again. 

“Could you model for me, so I can make a sculpture of you?”

“Why me?” He was still nervous, a nervous Kyung Soo wasn’t a sight that she saw very often. 

“It is a mixture of people that I care about, people I find beautiful and people who inspire me”

“Which one am I?” Her question was daring, and she felt slightly brave by asking it. Those were the important things for her at that moment. 

“All of the above” He answered, meeting her stare. 

“You find me beautiful?”

“I do, you are gorgeous” Eunji had never felt beautiful, let alone gorgeous. Cute maybe. Not bad under the right lighting and with a bit of make-up. But beautiful, never. No one ever told her she was. Her mom always compared her with other girls, so she was never beautiful enough. She avoided mirrors most of the time, just to avoid the disappointment and the waterfall of insecurity.

She avoided mirrors when in reality she should have watched herself in his eyes.

With time and care, she learned to read Kyung Soo. She knew all his gestures, she understood him by the tone of his voice. She knew beforehand when he needed silence or a distraction. She was sure about those. But his gestures of love were the ones that were still a mystery for her. But not because they were hard to read. She didn’t want to read them. It was like learning a language without considering the culture behind that language. It was robotic almost. Kyung Soo was around her because they have always been friends. Period.

But he was now opening a window because he cared about her, he found her beautiful and was inspired by her. A friend could find you beautiful and be inspired by you, of course, but maybe he loved her. The way he looked at her and the way he touched her was more than a habit.  

She couldn’t read his mind to be completely sure about his feelings, of course.

But she could read hers.

She could easily know how she felt. And she loved him. Romantically. Very romantically. She wanted everything from him and wanted to give everything to him.

She wanted him to see her.

In life, we only have three choices: Yesterday, today and tomorrow. Yesterday is yesterday, the only thing that belongs to us it’s the memory of yesterday. The today is only real when it becomes past, so we are left with only one option, the future.

In the past, she let Kyung Soo go. In the present she never reached hard enough for him, so he was almost a memory. But in the future, Kyung Soo could be hers. Or not. But at least in the future, the possibility was real, and she was going to take it.

“I will, I will model for you, I would love to do it” He grabbed her hand and pressed his forehead against it, sighing loudly. He thanked her and his words were overfilled with gratitude.

Eunji made a pact with herself to show him how she loved him. How she had been loving him long before she had the guts to let him know.

TBC