#Yall won’t believe this but I started this 6 months ago

[carrtoonfreak]

Ahgast, they’re real!

Holiday gift to everyone part of @toontykes!!!!

[zodiacrant]

🍩My experiences with each Moon sign🍩

(Cause yall are messy)

I have done this a few times before but for Sun signs and did rank placements but never shared my thoughts and experiences with the Moon signs.

Now I know how this goes, so if you get mad or sad then go off I guess. Aint the first time I get cursed out or attacked in this bitch. Plus, I am a Cap moon so naturally I won’t do well with some Moons and I will be nitpicking everything about everyone.

🍩Aries Moon🍩

My dad’s moon. Yup, that tells you alot without me even starting. Having our Moons in Square shit was hard to say the least. It took a long time for us to be on middle grounds and because I don’t feel comfortable talking about my problems here I will continue on. The Aries Moon that I really like and can think of is Rihanna, so I would say it’s unfair to make a whole judgment but from what I saw and heard they’re not exactly the best to be around. So I give them a 3/10 for being bold and having nerve.

🍩Taurus Moon🍩

Now this Moon right here I know people from ( a close friend and my sister, plus some others) and I don’t have many strong opinions about it. As a Taurus Sun, it can be a challenge to work with a Taurus Moon. I am stubborn at my core and they’re stubborn with their heart, so everytime we disagree it’s like a rope pulling contest. Way too stagnant for me but I think that’s because of my other placements and they don’t take any advice or open up no matter what. On to the good, I never disliked someone with this placement. No matter how much of an asshole they can be, to me it is difficult to hate them or stay mad at them. They’re warm, kind, and sweet but a bit aloof and naive, also they don’t like to touch and hug as some people might think. I will give them a 8/10

🍩Gemini Moon🍩

(⚠️TW⚠️ mention of rape and erratic behavior)

I only had one best friend with this placement and I don’t I want to meet any more, and I am at peace with that if they resemble her in any way. She was a maniac. She loved to lie, create drama, blow shit up, act crazy and basically be shocking. I do find similarities with Gemini Sun where they do shit for reactions but with her, she will take it to the next level. Lie about being raped, act possessed, or pretend that she is being followed. It’s not fair to associate her with people who share the same Moon as her but that was y’all’s representation in my life. She was erratic so it’s difficult to see where her Moon was in effect and where she was just off. I’ll give them a 1/10, would not recommend until proven otherwise.

🍩Cancer Moon🍩

The first that comes to my mind is Taylor Swift and to me she is the ultimate Cancer Moon. It juat makes sense how fast she takes it to the next level with people. Whether getting serious quickly with someone or throwing down and feuding. She just always at a 100. Personally, I never got close with someone who has this placement, maybe it’s because I am a Capricorn Moon myself, but I would say the ones that I have met were nice. I’ll give them a 5/10

🍩Leo Moon🍩

I only had one best friend with this placement but the people I have met with this Moon I still remember. They all had one thing in common and that was being emotionally traumatized and have lost one parent. My best friend was super loyal, very confident in what they believed in and represented, were always there for me and had an amazing ability in motivating others. But they were also super prideful and there’s no coming back with them. Fight once and it’s over. (Yes I am looking at you Jonnie). One of the other people was with me in uni and always had the to urge won up me and my friend. He had scars all over and he doesn’t remember how he got them. But he was super proud of himself and his home country, which I respect and admire. I’ll give them a 6/10

🍩Virgo Moon🍩

I know two people with this placement, my mom and a professor at uni, and oh boy it makes sense that they’re a Virgo Moon. Me and my mom are too alike that we clash strongly at times. She thinks she can do it better and I think I can do it better and we just have like a competition on who done it better basically. From cooking, to how you light the stove, to how you put on clothes, to how you lay down on bed. Both my mom and my professor are super critical and precise, althogh my professor is a double Virgo (Sun and Moon) so she will go even further. They have to do everything as it arises and act like there’s no time and everything is about to go wrong. Like damn sis chill the fuck out for a sec and this is coming from a Cap moon so you know it’s bad. But I really like Virgo Moon, even though people might hate such a personality but I can relate to them in some ways. I’ll give them 7/10

🍩Libra Moon🍩

My only online friend that I talk to all the time got this Moon. Other than her I met only two people and they were something. Okay so for my friend, because I never actually have seen her physically with my own eyes I can’t say how she acts all the time, but she is one of the best listeners I had in my life. She likes to hear me ramble for an hour about a dumb encounter that lasted a second, talking about astrology and some nerdy things and then not so nerdy things. I believe that it’s a Libra Moon quality to be emotionally versatile and attentive. I think because she is a Leo dominant she acts much fiery and fiercely than a Libra would. As for the other people I just thought they were fake. One acted as a friend but then would just disappear so I was over it quickly and the other was super passive and pretentious that I think she shits out plastic. All in all I think it’s a great Moon. I’ll give them a 7/10

🍩Scorpio Moon🍩

One of the hardest Moons I ever delt with but I find that I love them too. My oldest sister had this Moon and she is such a mystery. Because I am a Taurus Sun, it is only natural for me to have a hard time with a Scorpio Moon. Even though she is an extrovert, she rarely talks about herself and her feelings, you will never catch her slipping or show vulnerability. I can see how difficult it may be for her being a Cancer with a Scorpio Moon and have Gemini dominance. But she’s a bitch at heart and I am cool with it. I’ll give them 5/10 cause I am not a big fan of paradoxical people

🍩Sagittarius Moon🍩

A moon that I always babysat. I had two best friends with this Moon and if I was born a second earlier, it would mine too. I don’t know if it’s because of my Gemini Venus or my 0 degree Capricorn Moon but I love Sagittarius Moons. I was fortunate to see some of their weaknesses and for them to trust me enough to be vulnerable. But boy do they get themselves into the dumbest situation because they wanted to see what would happen. I had to babysit them and help them do everything like shopping, cooking, cleaning, assembling furniture, be their body guard when buying weed. (Shhhh it’s a secret). They’re in many ways immature cause they run from things and everytime you try to be real with them, they say “stop being negative”. I’ll give them a 9/10

🍩Capricorn Moon🍩

The grande dame of the Moon signs, sitting at it’s opposite planet. I have met many Cap Moons and honestly we are bitches 😂. The energy of sitting next to a Capricorn Moon is too fucking much like I never knew it’s like that. I noticed the way they stare, talk, walk and sit can be so aggressive and intimidating. I see why people might label us as bullies, cause the energy is definitely there and I myself was such a cunt (still a little but I am more aware of myself now) that I get where both are coming from. Life as a Capricorn Moon is emotionally flat. If wasn’t for my other placements you will never see me even flinch. I think we just take everything and let it process in our head before we let it into our hearts. So to me, we’re not mean, we just don’t see how something might be hurtful. But also that tone and that blank face, goddam! That’s why I try to smile cause bitch no, I didn’t know I was walking with a death stare this whole time. Anyways, I will give us 10/10 cause I am self appreciative like that 😂✌️

🍩Aquarius Moon🍩

I have always tried to understand Aquarius Moon and it was only a month ago that I have realized they themselves are not sure of who they’re. I had one best friend with this placement and three cousins (all siblings). First, my cousins are super competitive with each other on who gets to do what and if it happens that they’re similar in something they will get pissed. The person that was my best friend was like that as well. Only he would drop a an entire hobby, interest, something close to his heart, shit even a personality trait. I find them to be constantly changing and trying, so they shift between one end of extreme to the other until they center themselves. I’ll give them a 4/10

🍩Pisces Moon🍩

Now let’s talk about a depressing placement, in my opinion of course 😅. I don’t know if it’s the influence of Neptune on the Moon or is it the just the demeanor of Pisces, but good god girl get a grip (they call this the five G’s). My youngest sister is a Pisces Moon, and as creative as she is, she is pessimistic and overly cynical. I mean I am all for being critical and real but looking at everything with jacked up black sprayed glasses is just too much for me. Other than my sister I don’t know any Pisces Moon very well but I had a few acquaintances. I noticed that they talked about a specific thing and that’s it. I have found them to be amazing at drawing, painting and have an incredible artistic sense. At times twisted and dark, but I love the art that comes with it. I’ll give them a 5/10

Here’s the tea. It’s Pisces season so remember I am sensitive right now, and also it’s my life and I wish I met someone as amazing as you might think you’re. (Maybe that was a little too aggressive)

Okay love you ❤️

[newcaptainofsquad9]

I Can’t Handle You Being Back~Chou Tzuyu x black! fem! reader {4}

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Pairing: Tzuyu x reader

Summary: You’re still acting careful around Tzuyu as the both of you start to practice more and grow closer as you both had did five years ago. Your rekindling friendship starts to bloom to something more as you guy's duo performance at JYPEs showcase crawled closer, your feelings start to grow into something more until someone gets in the way.

Word Count: 2, 917

Writer's Note: Chapter 4!  I hope yall enjoy and keep the comments coming, I'm glad you're loving the fic. If you have any requests send them my way and if you sent some in I'll get to them soon.

Another music show performance of I Can’t Stop Me drained me for the entire day. We arrived back to the dorms and I collapsed in my bed immediately and groaned while Jeongyeon flopped on right beside me. 

“So, how’d I do this time?” I asked with a muffle caused by the pillow. 

Jeongyeon nudged her shoulder against me. 

“You did amazing as always,” she said. “Now are you really going to stay in bed? It’s not even eight yet.” 

“No, no! Y/N the day has just begun!” Sana shouted, jumping onto the other side of the bed, squishing me in between her and Jeongyeon. “We’ve got so much planned!”

I’m able to turn onto my back to meet Sana’s face clouded in over excitement. 

“Like what?” I said. 

The moment the words leave my mouth, Dahyun and Nayeon strolled into the room with huge grins on their faces. 

“We’re all playing games!” Nayeon announced. “Mina’s getting her switch step up now!”

“You got to join us Y/N!” Sana said as she wrapped me in her arms. 

“Fine!” I said as I struggled a bit in her grip. “Just let me get up already.” 

Jeongyeon’s already on her feet, pushing a giggly Sana playfully while she helps me to my feet. 

“So,” I said as the five of us trek down stairs. “What are we playing?”

“Well, I kind of stalked your Instagram again and found your Twitch account,” Sana said, rather innocently with her hands behind her back. “I found that you love Dragon ball fighterZ so I begged Mina to buy it!”

“We both found it Sana,” Nayeon groaned.

They both bicker a bit; Jeongyeon and I met eyes with faces matching in confusion. 

“You could have just asked instead of stalked,” I said. 

“I know,” Sana said. “I just didn’t know how to ask. I know you’ve been with us for almost a month now, but it’s pretty crazy to have you here after five years.” 

Sana’s eyes cut to the floor. Her excited demeanor now replaced with something more reserved and sheepish. I take her hand with a grin before shaking her gently. 

“And I’m not going anywhere anytime soon OK?” I declared. 

Sana nodded and pulled me into a bear hug before she skipped over to the carpet of the living room where Chaeyoung and Mina sat putting the Switch together. 

Tzuyu, Jihyo and Momo sat on the couch facing Mina, Chaeyoung and the television. My eyes landed on Tzuyu, nothing but a smile spreads across her face. It’s not huge or anything, yet I still don’t know how to act around her. She defended me a few nights ago, not only in front of Onces but the entire world: it set the entire internet a blaze. Of course the loyal Onces stayed true and cheered Tzuyu and I on in helpful ways. (There are some that are already shipping us and dubbing us “Rush Hour line” due to whatever reasons, even though Tzuyu’s not from China and---they got the spirit but it’s still tone deaf and a bit racist on both of our parts.) 

Then of course the netizens had their take on it, but I don’t pay attention to them that much anymore. 

“You could sit here if you want, Y/N,” Jihyo said as she gestured to the spot between her and Tzuyu. 

Tzuyu nodded, solidifying my decision as I take the seat. 

Nayeon sat beside Momo and purposely covered the gap of space between her and Jihyo while eyeing Jeongyeon. 

“Oh, Jeongyeon no more room,” Nayeon said. “Guess you’ll have to sit in my lap.”

Jeongyeon shook her head, yet the redness of her cheeks remained. She slapped Nayeon’s arm. 

“Quit playing,” she whined, then whispered something to Nayeon, who moved her arms immediately and smirked. 

I look between Jihyo and Tzuyu, trying to ask what’s the deal between those two. Jihyo caught on as she leaned in towards me with a giggle. 

“They’ve somewhat had a thing since pre debut,” she explained. “They love each other to death, but it’s really complicated at times.” 

“Oh, makes a lot of sense,” I whispered. 

The living room filled with the opening music to Dragon Ball FighterZ blasting around us. 

“All right!” Chaeyoung announced as she hopped up. “Who’s ready for the greatest tournament the world will never witness?”

“Why would it be never Chae?” Tzuyu asked with a snicker. 

“Because we aren’t playing it for Time to Twice or V live or anything,” Chaeyoung said. “Unless you guys want to.”

A collective unit of no’s came from everyone. 

“Week got a week off before that stupid KBS JYP special we have to rehearse for,” Nayeon groaned. “I need time off from the cameras and time to get drunk.” 

She rose to her feet, and disappeared in the kitchen.

“Grab me and beer too!” Jeongyeon called. 

“Are you guys even playing?” I asked. 

“Nope,” Nayeon and Jeongyeon said in unison as they each cracked open their beers respectfully.

“What about the rest of you?” I said. “I know Sana happened to spur this on during the last minute.”

“Oh I’m defiantly playing,” Chaeyoung said as she wrapped her arms around Mina. “Mina is too, right babe?”

Mina giggled and nodded.

“I’ve been playing since the game dropped, but I only played it with my brother back in Japan so I haven’t tried it out on Switch yet,” Mina explained. “Playing on camera won’t be a bad idea for future uploads for Once.” 

“I’m playing too!” Sana said with a grin. “What about you Dubu?”

Dahyun shook her head. 

“Nope, I think I’ll kick back, and cheer you on as much as I can,” Dahyun said as Sana wrapped her arms around her. 

“I’ll sit this out too,” Jihyo said. “It’ll be interesting to see how long Nayeon and Jeongyeon stay sober this time.”

Nayeon gives Jihyo the finger; Jihyo  pushed her playfully and I turn to Tzuyu, who’s eyes were on me then averted to the TV. 

“You playing too?” I asked, while trying not to seem like I caught her wondering eyes. 

Tzuyu shrugged. 

“Why not?” she said. “As long as I can play against Chae first.”

Chaeyoung let out a roar. 

“You’re on Tzu!”

***

A few hours crawled past: Dragon Ball FighterZ night escalated with Mina and I going up against each other with a tied set. It’s 3 to 3, this game would settle. Sana, Jihyo and Tzuyu huddled up behind me while Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Momo rallied behind Mina; Jeongyeon and Nayeon were slumped on the couch, cheering us both on when they could. 

“C’mon babe, you got this!” Chaeyoung shouted. 

I bit down on my lip as Mina zoned out my final character, Goku with her own, Vegeta. This was not only a stressful, but the final fight was reflective of Goku and Vegeta’s rivalry that ran deep in the anime. My heart pounded in my ears as the time of the round continued to slip by as I waited for any mistake. Mina didn’t yield as she fired the energy blasts my way. I blocked every one, even through Chaeyoung’s insistent cheering. My hands started to twitch and I took a deep breath. 

“You got it Y/N! Just focus!” 

My body jolted at who shouted just as loud as Chaeyoung: Tzuyu. 

I moved, jumped over Mina’s blasts and then she vanished. Vegeta appeared behind Goku, aiming to make the finishing blow. My finger almost slipped from the analog stick, but I blocked and reflected the hits Mina tried. There’s the opening I needed! I struck. Getting Vegeta up in a simple combo and ending it with a level 1 special move to ensure victory. 

“Nooooooo!” Chaeyoung groaned.

“Damn,” Mina said. “Great stuff Y/N. Good games.”

We shook hands, then giggled it off with a tight hug. 

“Great job Y/N!” Jihyo cheered as both she and Sana took me a bear hug. 

I melted into them, even allowing Sana to kiss my cheek before she pulled back with a chuckle. Jihyo kept her arms around me however, and whispered a quick ‘I’m so proud of you’ before slinging off to deal with Jeongyeon and Nayeon. They’re already asleep: Jeongyeon’s head laid on Nayeon’s chest as they snored softly. 

“Can someone help me get these two to bed?” Jihyo asked. 

Mina, Sana and Chaeyoung helped upon request as a confused Nayeon grumbled over who won. 

“Congrats Y/N!” Nayeon shouted with a smile. 

I mumbled a thank you and watched everyone file out the living room. All except Tzuyu, who took my hand--and I froze. My heart pounded yet again, proof that I’m still alive and Tzuyu hasn’t crushed me. Dahyun caught my gaze, then threw a wink my way as she left the room arm in arm with Momo. I’m not even going to ask what they’ve got going on. It’s complicated and I’ll figure out with time. 

“I knew you could win,” Tzuyu said. “I doubted it a lot since Mina’s so good.” 

I shivered as she walked around to face me; she looked nervous too. 

“You sure you believed in me till the end?” I asked.

Tzuyu nodded sharply. 

“You have this face where your entire body goes still and you just become sharper,” she explained. “You look pretty--ah! Pretty lame when it happens.”

Tzuyu’s face grew red; I scratched my arm in embarrassment. Maybe this is real after all. Still same Tzuyu being sly when giving a compliment. 

“Yeah, and it was totally lame cheering me on right?” I countered. 

Tzuyu shrugged and turned away. 

“I-I should let you go rest,” I said. “Pretty long day, right?”

Her head whipped back to me, the red color in her face left.

“I-I wasn’t going to yet,” she said. “Um, is it OK if we talk? I-It’s about our KBS performances in a few weeks.” 

“Oh, yeah. Of course,” I said. 

Tzuyu let go of my hand and gestured to the couch. We sat, giving us enough space between but not as much as we gave a dew weeks prior. This is the first moment we’re alone, no other members or managers among us. Just Y/N and Tzuyu. I can’t help but think back to five years ago: how exhausted we were in the JYP dance rooms at 5 a.m. as sweat clung to us. We didn’t care though; the smiles continued even through the hardships until--

“Y/N,” Tzuyu said. “Are you all right?”

I met her confused gaze and I couldn’t help but think back to the days of Sixteen, my elimination and eventually her own elimination. The tears that she shed, begging me to stay on Korea and breaking her heart by saying no.

I shook my head at her question.

“What about you? Tzuyu?” I asked. “You were right about before, I have no idea how much I hurt you while leaving.”

“Y/N--”

“I’m so sorry Tzuyu,” I said cutting her off. 

Tzuyu destroyed the space between us and hugged me flush to her, shocking me in the process. 

“I’m sorry too,” she whispered. “I frightened you, didn’t I? You’re back now, that’s all I ever wanted was my best friend back.”

Her voice shook. A hint of tears threatened to spill but I pulled back to cup her face. Our eyes met again, even through the emotion that clouded and covered her face, she still looked beautiful. She leaned in, making my heart pump faster and faster. 

“Your heart is so loud,” Tzuyu said with a giggle.

I inhaled as she pressed a firm kiss to my forehead. 

“I-It’s just excited to know we’re on good terms, right?” I said. 

“Yes,” Tzuyu groaned. “What else do I have to do to prove it to you?”

Her question made me blush a bit at how close she once was. Tzuyu must have picked up on it as her face grew red. 

“You don’t have to do anything else,” I let out quickly as I grabbed her hand. “Well, you could help me brainstorm what we could do for our KBS performance.”

Tzuyu nodded, her face brightened up. 

“Yeah! Well, Momo unnie is doing a solo so that leaves the nine of us. I think Chaeyoung, Dahyun and Sana are doing a set. We could pair up together if that’s OK,” she suggested.

I nodded as Tzuyu rubbed her thumb over the back of my hand. 

“Yeah, we should pick a song. What about something from Rihanna,” I said. 

Tzuyu chuckled as a wistful look overtook her face. 

“Oh gosh, do you remember our performance on Sixteen? What song was it?” she asked. 

“Oh my God, I remember!” I said. “We were too young to be dancing to S&M anyway!”

Tzuyu fell into a fit of laughter that I thought I wouldn’t have been able to see ever again. It’s like she said, we’re best friends again and I can’t help but feel like I can’t function from all the excitement bubbling up inside. 

“Would you want to do that song again?” she asked. 

“Not really--”

I was cut off by a yawn that forced itself abruptly.   

“We’ve got plenty of time,” Tzuyu said as she stood. “You need to rest.”  

“So do you,” I said as she took my hand and led us up stairs. 

The door to Jeongyeon, Momo and I’s room was shut, so I had to be a bit careful of stepping in to not awaken them. 

“Well, thank you for believing in me,” I whispered. “And becoming my best friend again.” 

Tzuyu only nodded and brought me into her arms again. I hugged back, burying my head against her chest. She had hints of perfume from earlier, along with the warmth that she always carried whenever I needed her. Now she’s back and I didn’t need to worry anymore; I could breathe around her.  I relaxed in her arms so much so that I didn’t want to let go; Tzuyu didn’t either as she gently rubbed my back. 

“You sure you’re all right?” Tzuyu whispered, the sensation of her words warming my chest. 

She pulled back to examine me, her arms not yet leaving my back. 

“Y-Yeah, I just miss your hugs is all.”   

Tzuyu smiled, kissed my forehead and squeezed me tightly again before letting me go. 

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight,” I said, leaning the frame of the door until she disappeared in her own room. 

I did the same, albeit, carefully in case Jeongyeon and Momo were asleep. My hunch was right: Jeongyeon was snoring softly on her bed and Momo laying on her own while scrolling through her phone.

“So, did you kiss her goodnight?” Momo teased. 

My breath caught in my throat even at the mere thought. 

“N-No, “ I stammered. “We hugged. W-We’re friends.”

Momo shrugged. 

“So were Mina and Chae and now look at them.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered as I got in my own bed. my mind still on how warm Tzuyu felt. 

We just got back to being friends again, but I couldn’t help but think about how it would be if I did kiss her. No, she’s my band-mate. I can’t think like that, not anymore. 

***

Morning arrived quickly, even through the nonexistent dreams I still thought of Tzuyu and Momo’s words. Maybe I should talk to Jihyo about how Mina and Chaeyoung happened, even with Nayeon and Jeongyeon’s situation there had to be some agreement between the other members.

I waited until one groggy and hungover Jeongyeon rolled out of bed to help with breakfast, and for Momo to slunk behind her groaning about food. I shot a text to Jihyo for her to meet me here to talk privately. A knock soon came, forcing me to sit up and take a deep breath. 

“You can come in!”

Jihyo entered with a toothy grin and a sigh. 

“Sorry, I had to make sure Momo didn’t take all the food again,” she said as she sat beside me on the bed. “What’s up? Are you holding up OK?”

I nodded sharply; Jihyo noticed the nervousness and slid close to put an arm around me. 

“Breathe Y/N,” Jihyo reassured. “We didn’t overwhelm you yesterday, did we?” 

“No, of course not. It was really fun!”

“Yeah?” Jihyo said as she squeezed me gently. “What about the other members?”

“Ah, about that!” I said. “It’s about a member uh, Tzuyu.”

Jihyo nodded. The smile dropping from her face. 

“She hasn’t been giving you hard time, has she?”

“N-No, actually the opposite,” I said. “She’s been really cool. So cool in fact that I-I- our friendship picked up right where it left off five years ago. Jihyo I think I might like Tzuyu. Like her in a romantic way.”

Jihyo nodded throughout every word, but stopped once I finished. 

“Yeah, I had a feeling,” Jihyo said. “She always had eyes for you only, you should have seen her whenever you sung or performed five years ago. Saying she was mesmerized would be too simple.”

My face grew hot. 

Really? I saw pieces of it last night, but to this level?

“Nothing’s simple with any of us, is there?” Jihyo asked. “That’s why I’m going to let you do what you think is right as long as it doesn’t hurt either of you emotional, physically or harm your public image. However, I do have to let you know one thing before you let Tzuyu know anything.”

“W-What’s that Jihyo?” I asked. 

“I like you too.”         

[missdawnandherdusk]

I Will Rise

Hufflepuff!Reader X Draco

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Chapter 1     Chapter 2    

Chapter 3    Chapter 4

Chapter 5     Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Summary: With the next winter holiday things get to their lowest point. But rock bottom is always the place to start building up. 

A/N: So this was supposed to be super angsty with no end in sight but ya know, I changed my mind. This is angsty don’t get me wrong, but this is also where choices are made and people are changed for the better or worse. Sidenote: I just ended a four year relationship yesterday and ya know. I’m great. Anyway. Love yall!! Let me know that you think as always!!

Draco and I stood at the Manor gates. Dark clouds rolled in, suffocating us. They threatened with snow, ice, and fury.

“It’s the Dark Magic,” Draco noted, his voice seemingly indifferent, taking my hand.

I nodded, sighing. Something was to be said about missing sunny days and warmth. Even in the dead of winter, this chill sat differently on our shoulders. Winter promised spring... this artic promised nothing but death.

Inside and unpacked, Draco and I shared a bit of tea in front of a warm fire. He was reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe aloud, and despite my adoration of the book, I couldn’t seem to lose myself in the words as I once had. Even with the silkiness of Draco’s voice. I now had a deeper understanding for Narnians before the events of the book. An endless winter with only a small gossamer of hope to cling too.

“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,

At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,

When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,

And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”

The words mocked me. Draco seemed to pick up on my disinterest.

“Don’t tell me you don’t prefer the book any longer?” There was a soft teasing smile on his lips as he closed the book, setting it on his lap. It was the one I had given him almost a year ago.

“No, I do,” It was a sad sigh. “I just... do you think someone is out there for us? An Aslan to come and save us?” I hugged my knees.

“Well, you know as well as I do,” He took the same book and flipped further back before settling on a page that seemed to satisfy him.

"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."

"Oh, Aslan!!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.

"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"

"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan. "Are — are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.

"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

A smile brushed my lips as he closed the book again.

“But do you think that was meant for us?” I laid my head on his shoulder.

“I think that it was meant to give hope,” Draco decided after a quiet moment, “Aslan, by any other name, would still be something to believe in,”

“Unless that name happens to be Harry Potter,” I chuckled, drawing a laugh from Draco. “And have you been reading my Shakespeare?”

“Maybe a bit,” A smile toyed at his lips.

“Romeo and Juliet though?” I rolled my eyes. “I told you, it wasn’t a good story to read presently,”

“I think you also told me that it was worth keeping the books that didn’t have a happy ending,” Draco set the book on the coffee table and pulled me into his hold.

“Do you think we’ll have one?” I asked softly. “A happy ending?” His face was hard to read as his eyes fixed on the burning fire.

“How can we with what we’re going to do?” The words echoed in my thoughts as we both sobered.

The plea for him to not do what he was asked of came rushing to my lips, but I held them there. I wouldn’t tell him. I had decided on that long ago. This was the one choice that he needed to figure out how to make on his own. I was torn myself. I wanted to tell him to stop, to help him make this choice, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to. But I could stay beside him... I prayed that it would be enough for him.

Even with the holiday upon us, the air was void of excitement and magic. The Manor was decorated immaculately even still. Tears stung my eyes, when thinking that this was the first Christmas I ever had without my mother, without baking or cooking or the music or movies. There was nothing to do in the kitchen with the house elves working and practically shoving me out of the room. There was nothing to clean. Nothing to tidy or move... It felt unnatural. Draco pulled me into his arms, giving me the comfort that I craved so desperately.

“Your mother is arriving soon,” He murmured softly. “Are you going to be alright?”

“I think so... we’ve been civil through writing. How bad could this possibly be?” My words were cynical but hopeful still. “Besides... at least it won’t be just the four of us. By comparison my mother will be a delight,”

“Bellatrix has agreed to be civil, and Snape always comes for Christmas. Or has before the last couple years at least. He’s my godfather, you know. He and my father were close when they were young,” Draco’s voice was strained. “But I suppose they will all be needles in a haystack,”

“It was right to invite the rest of...” I trailed off. “They’re alone too,” 

“Always the Hufflepuff, are we?” He mused softly.

I hummed in acknowledgement. I was still wary about Bellatrix attending supper. Too many things had the chance of going poorly.

“You know we have to do this,” He read my thoughts.

“The perfect children. The perfect couple. The perfect soldiers.” I sighed. “What I wouldn’t give to go back to that night at the Ball. Or the month after...”

“It’s ironic,” Draco chuckled darkly. “That we now know ignorance is bliss,” I nodded at the doorbell chimed throughout the house.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,”

It was something quite different dining with just the Slytherins and dining with their parents as well. It wasn’t just I and Draco who were playing perfect children, but all of my friends, everyone I knew. All sapped of joy, of smiles, expression... under the scrutiny of their parents. Blaise, Vincent, Greg, Theo, and Pansy.

“How has schooling been?” My mother tried asking as the first course was served. 

“Well—”

“Ugh,” Bellatrix scoffed. “Who can learn anything with that daft old fool as headmaster?” 

“Bellatrix,” Narcissa warned gently.

“Yes, yes. Civil. As you wish,” She rolled her eyes and slouched, digging into what I assumed was quail.

Draco and I shared a look. Attempts for conversations halted after that.

Dinner passed and I barely tasted any of the surely rich foods that were placed before me. After the awkward affair, my mother asked to speak with me in private. Draco, Narcissa, and oddly enough, Snape eyed me warily.

“Of course,” I gave Draco one last look. He looked as if he were ready to pick me up and make a run for it, but he refrained.

I led her to the small rose garden that Draco had once led me to. It seemed sacrilegious to tread upon this secret haven, but it was a place that gave me comfort. Though it was covered in snow and the trees and bushes were bare, I still remembered the summer warmth the garden offered.

“You have surrounded yourself with quite a group people my dear,” Her voice strained out the words. “And that dress is lovely,”

“A gift from Narcissa,” A tight smile touched my lips. 

“So, you’ve replaced me then?”

I turned, frowning at my mother.

“You really think that?” I was baffled.

“Well look at you! New dress, new shoes, new friends! You’re living and dining with a bunch of Death Eaters for Merlin’s sake!”

“Yes, because I had so much of a choice to abandon the people I love and come home and live with my mother who lied to me for fifteen years and manipulated me!” I watched as my sharp words silenced her.

“You could have come home any time,” It was a quiet notion.

“No, I couldn’t have,” I wrapped my arms around myself and took a deep breath. “I’m going inside,”

“Please, dear. It is Christmas,”

“Yes,” I turned to face her. “And I’d rather be inside with Draco, if you can understand that.” 

“Draco,” It was nearly a sneer. “I have heard... rumors about him.”

“I really don’t think you have any right to say a word,” I said, my tone as ice.

“You’re blind. Your own love blinds you to who he really is. You’re going to get hurt,” There was an air of concern in her voice.

“No! I’ve spent years of my life terrified of letting people in because you’ve got it so deeply ingrained in me that I might get hurt! Well you were wrong about the world! And you were wrong about me!” I stalked up to her. “I have done things that you will never know! That you will never understand! I’m living through a war for god’s sake mom! And you’re here yelling at me about who I’m dating!?” I took a small step back, shaking my head. “This was a mistake...”

“Y/n, wait, please, you have to understand—”

“No mom! You... you don’t get to just waltz in here and ask me to understand! I don’t have to understand, and you really don’t get to give a damn after all you put me through! Don’t you think I want to have my mother here for me!? That it doesn’t kill me inside because I’ve never felt so alone in my life!? That everything I’ve known has been pulled from under me and while I’m trying to set myself somewhere new you just criticize me!? No! You just...”

“And what would your father say?”

I gaped at her, enraged.

“How dare you!?” I annunciated each word. “Dad would be damn proud of me! And he never would have let you do what you did to me! I am supposed to be your daughter! But I’m done.”

Without another word I stalked up to the house and inside, fuming. Draco caught me at the door, but I shrugged him off.

“Love,”

“No,” I snapped. “I need to cool down, just...” Wordlessly I headed upstairs before collapsing behind a random locked door, sobbing.

After a while, when my tears had subsided and my frame only shook minimally, I pulled myself up off the ground and stumbled over to a vanity. It must have been a guest room that I found myself in.

The girl looking back was a mess. Tear tracks stained with mascara ran down her cheeks and red lipstick was smudged out of place. Her hair was hanging haphazardly and out of order. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her lips etched into a permanent grimace.

There was a knock at the door. 

“Go away, Draco,” I sniveled.

“Do I look like that blond-haired prat to you?” The door clicked closed softly as I saw Pansy’s reflection in the mirror.

“Pansy, please... I—”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m not here to console you, not particularly,” She came up beside me and leaned against the vanity. “Everything’s really fucked up, huh?” Her voice was depressed as she looked down.

“That doesn’t even begin to describe it,” I muttered.

“You know, I can’t tell my parents about Abby at all,” Her confession was small and weak. “She’s not a pureblood, and well, they’re not as accepting as her parents are about our relationship...”

I looked up at her, my eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure out why she was telling me this now.

“We haven’t spoken all holiday,” This wasn’t the strong confident Pansy I was used to seeing, but rather a broken scared teenager. “She’s mad at me because I won’t tell my parents about her, and I... I can’t do it. I’m a coward,”

I let out a hopeless laugh and smiled at her.

“I just told my mother off and now I really think I’ve been disowned,” A dry humor coated my voice. “And I’m in love with the son of the man who killed my father,”

“Well shit girl,” Pansy laughed. “You make my problems seem so trivial,”

“Not my intention,” A smile met my lips. “And I’m really sorry about you and Abby... not saying that it’s anywhere near the same... but I’m aware of what it’s like to be scrutinized for my choice in partner.”

Pansy nodded and a silence fell between us.

“You’re going to run yourself thin, Y/n. Trying to be everything for everyone.” Her voice returned to its somber mood.

“I think I’ve past that point,” I muttered darkly.

“Then tell me, little Hufflepuff, who are you going to be?” There was a slight challenge in her eyes. “You don’t have parents watching over your every move, you don’t have the constant expectations.”

“I can’t just—”

“And why not?” She shot back.

“Because I have to protect Draco,” I breathed out. “Play the part and get through this,” 

She eyed me; eyebrow raised but said nothing. “If that’s what you think,” She mused. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I shot back.

“Well, the girl I met a couple years ago would stop at nothing to be herself even if it meant being teased and bullied by a couple Slytherins. The same girl who cut off all her hair and started to fight back. I just wondered what changed.”

I opened my mouth to refute her point but refrained. A lot had changed. Draco was a Death Eater now. We had a trial to get through alive or we would both die. I had to somehow manage not to get killed by his aunt preferably. I still had to pass my bloody N.E.W.T.s as if the rest wasn’t enough.

“Tell me, or don’t. But I care about Abby and Draco a lot. And now I’ve got this kid sister under my wing and I don’t want to see her drive herself into the ground like I have. This war is shit, but you... Y/n, you’re someone to believe in.”

I tutted out a laugh. “I’m a mess. Please don’t believe in me,”

“But that’s what makes you so valuable to all of us. Blaise, Theo, Vin, and Greg too. You gave us all a second chance. It doesn’t take much to lay down your life for a good man, but to forgive a bunch of villains?”

“You’re not villains,” I refuted.

“See, that there. That’s why we believe in you.” Pansy smiled. “Even through it all, you still are kind and believe in us,” She tucked my hair behind my ear. “Now let’s get you cleaned up, because I’m sure Draco is on the verge of breaking in here himself,”

I laughed and pulled her into a hug.

“Thanks Pans,”

 _____________________________________

Draco paced outside the door as he heard your ragged sobs coming from within wishing nothing more than to go in there and hold you. But you had asked for space, so he tried to honor that. Draco jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Pansy?” he asked, relaxing a bit. “What—”

“I’ve got this lover boy,” She smiled and patted his shoulder.

“She doesn’t want to be bothered,” Draco defended, glowering.

“Maybe not by you, but I think she needs a sister about now, what do you think?” Pansy raised an eyebrow at him, and it reminded him of all the times that Pansy had been there to be a sister to him and he nodded, knowing that it might help you more that he could.

Draco leaned against the wall, next to the bedroom door, his eyes closed.

“Draco?”

He peaked an eye open to find his mother on the landing with him.

“Is she alright?” Soft concern colored his mother’s voice.

“I have no idea,” It was a ragged whisper. “I knew we shouldn’t’ have invited her mother. I knew it was a bad idea,”

Narcissa laid a hand on his shoulder and tilted his chin up so that his eyes reached hers.

“It was going to happen eventually, but maybe now she can get some closure from it,” His mother sighed. “I remember the night that Andy walked out... it was weeks before that last fight and I could see how much it drained her. And you know it’s been hurting her too,”

“Andy?”

“Your aunt, Andromeda.” Narcissa smiled sadly. “Married a muggle and was disowned... she was barely older than you,”

“Talking about our dear sister again?” Another voice snarked from behind them.

They both turned to see Bellatrix leaning against the stair banister.

“She was a traitor, Cissy,” The witch sneered. “Walked away from this family. Married a muggle,”

“I know,” Narcissa’s voice was strained. “But I thought perhaps it would give some insight to what Y/n is going through,”

“Are you sympathizing with our dear sister then? Are you a traitor sister mine?” Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.

“Of course not,” His mother snapped. “If anything, Y/n has just affirmed her loyalty by turning her back on her muggle loving family,”

Draco knew the words were said to appease Bellatrix, but still he flinched at the reality of them and what it looked like on the outside. He knew that was far from the truth. He knew that you had walked out on your mother because she had a problem with you being with him. It had nothing to do with blood status. But perhaps the wicked narrative would keep you safe.

Three pairs of eyes snapped up as the door opened. Pansy emerged first, a smile on her face and you followed behind. You were smiling and held your head high. You were also barefoot, your stilettos in hand. Draco smiled at the sight.

His aunt on the other hand.

“Improper if you ask me,” She muttered.

“I don’t think anyone did,” The smile on your face was tight and he had to refrain from laughing at the look of shock on Bellatrix’s face. “My apologies Narcissa, I do believe that I may have ruined your dinner party,”

“Think nothing of it my dear,” His mother smiled. “I’m just glad to see that you’re alright.”

Tucked by his side, Draco tried to read your facial expressions, but even he couldn’t pick anything up. What you showed him seemed real. A real smile and real confidence, but he doubted that it was really the case given the present circumstances. But perhaps it wasn’t far fetched after all.

Bellatrix glared at you, but you held no air of worry or fear. Instead it was almost as if you were challenging her. Which left him wondering what in Merlin’s name had Pansy talked to you about.

Draco kept a close eye on you all night, but you really did seem alright. Curled up under his arm on the sofa in the company of just your friends, you were almost at ease. He itched to know what had happened between you and Pansy, but there was never a moment alone with just the two of you.

The night wound down, and soon it was only you, him, and his mother left in the large house. The both of you had drifted to the sitting room that held the grand piano. Draco’s fingers danced along the ivory keys, remembering how last Christmas he had composed for the first time. Your song was still remembered under his fingertips as it became a part of mini concert.

Christmas morning came and there were few presents under the tree, most of them trivial. Christmas seemed trivial. He had gotten a pack of permanent markers from Abby with a note saying that you would know what to do with them. You had gotten a pair of diamond earrings from him—and his mother. You both agreed, however, not to get each other anything. It was a depressing notion, but there was simply nothing to say about the occasion.

That evening, you donned your cloak and smiled at him softly.

“I’m gonna go visit Papa,” Your voice was soft and subtle. “Would you like to join me?”

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. He never expected for you to invite him to something like this. After the events of yesterday he didn’t feel worthy to go with you, let alone meet your father.

“It’s okay Draco, I can go alone,”

“No,” It was immediate. “You’re not going alone,”

Draco never thought that your father would be buried here. At Godric’s Hollow. He supposed it was a common place for wizards to be buried, but... he didn’t make the connection. There were others here as well and he could hear the faint hymns being sung at the church down the road. You and he were just cloaks in the crowd, two hoods visiting a loved one. You paused at a gravestone.

Walter Y/l/n

1956 — 1983

A Father and Husband

~Have Courage and Be Kind~

“Happy Christmas Papa,” You whispered softly, waving your wand, riding the gravestone of snow and frost. You sank to your knees, tears in your eyes and a smile on your lips. “I brought someone here to meet you,” Your fingertips brushed the stone. “This is Draco, Draco Malfoy. I know you probably don’t like the last name Papa, but... he is good,”

Tears welled in Draco’s eyes at the interaction. He stooped beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

“Hello,” His voice was tight. “You have a wonderful daughter,” A pause. “And though I cannot atone for my father’s mistakes, I will try. And I will be someone worthy of her affection and love,”

You laid your head on his shoulder, not saying anything, but rather enjoying the quiet night, the soft snow starting to fall. Drawing his wand, Draco conjured a small wreath of holly at the bed of the grave.

“He would be so proud of you,” Draco murmured. “As I am.”

“He would be proud of you too,” You looked up at him, snowflakes on your eyelashes. “We should go before the snow gets worse. I can feel it growing dangerous,”

Draco’s eyes darted around to the other mourners in dark colors that made only your silver cloak stand out when his eyes landed on a rather large focal statue. You followed his gaze and stood, standing.

“Do you think Harry has ever...?” The question was soft.

“I don’t think he knows it’s here,” Draco answer truthfully, his brows tugging together.

He led you down the rows of headstones until you were before Lily and James’ gave. It was sobering, seeing it like this. Draco knew the legends and stories, of course, but looking at the small bundle etched in the stone, cradled in Lily’s arms, it seemed almost too real. With your wand, you used the same spell and cleared the grave of frost and snow.

“As much of a prick that he is...” You trailed off. “I hope he’s having a good Christmas,” 

Draco hummed in acknowledgement.

___________________________________

Narcissa greeted us at the door to the Manor. A warning in her eyes. The warning, proven to be in vain because nothing could prepare us for what was awaiting inside. The treacherous smile of Bellatrix greeted us, as she was flanked by two others, in hoods and masks—deeming them unidentifiable. Even though I had seen her the night before, her civility seemed to have vanished.

“The young prince returns, dear sister,” Bellatrix cooed. “But he has not been such a good young prince now has he?” She twirled her wand in her hand as Draco took a step in front of me, his own wand out.

“Bellatrix,” A steady recognizable voice called.

My eyes snapped to the right where Snape stood. His nonchalant demeanor almost blending in with the gloom that hung in the air.

“You know his fate, Bellatrix,” Snape did not attempt to stop her, but something held in his words accomplished the feat.

“Yes,” Her head cocked to one side as she drawled out the word. “But he is not above the Dark Lord’s law. And that goes for his harlot.”

“You will not speak to her like that,” Draco spat, growling.

I placed a hand on his shoulder. I could handle some name calling. I was just desperately trying to figure out Bellatrix’s game and why she had come back and why the hell Snape was here too.

“You know, you might have gotten away with it, little tramp, had the Ministry and that blood traitor Weasley stepped in and torn through the enchantments,” The purr fell from her lips. “And Cissy you should really know better than to leave me alone anywhere,”

Bellatrix waved her wand and I felt unseen hands grab my arms and drag me forward, to the center of the foyer, and then they were gone, causing me to stumble onto my knees. I glowered up at the witch, picking myself up and drawing my wand.

“Bellatrix!” This time it was Narcissa.

“Worry not little sister,” The witch stalked up to me, her wand tracing along the scar that resided under my shirt: from her knife the last time we had met. “She is in no harm... The Dark Lord has plans for her after all... But I am afraid that her possessions...”

My eyes went wide. I shoved the idea that the Dark lord had plans for me and finally figured out her game. The reason she was here.

My room in the manor. Filled with my muggle books, and records, and photos... Everything I had left from the family and home I no longer had.

“Yes, little pet.” Bellatrix snapped. “But I wanted to take this as a learning opportunity. That the Dark Lord will expect nothing less than perfection—dedication.”

“Bellatrix, please—” I started, only for my voice to be taken by a flick of her wand. 

“You will be silent, little toad,” She snapped.

I turned, and saw Draco standing with his mother, pure fury written on his face as Narcissa held him back. As much as I yearned for his touch and comfort, I knew that this had to be played very carefully for us to survive. His eyes met mine.

“Come, come,” The deranged witched cooed almost happily.

Draco wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me along beside him. I looked up at him with frantic questions in my eyes, but he just shook his head. Though I couldn't hear the others behind us, I was sure they were there. Standing at the door of what was once my room, I saw the scattered books, torn pages, and absolute destruction that was in the room’s wake. Tears welled in my eyes at the sight. Draco’s and Narcissa’s arms around me were the only thing that held me back from running forward to save something—anything.

“Draco,” Bellatrix motioned him forward. Rigidly he let me go and took a step forward.

“The Dark Lord and every Death Eater believes that Purebloods are superior. That Muggles are filth and should not be considered human. And yet you allow such scum in your house. Muggle scum.” Bellatrix turned to Draco. “Destroy them. Prove your loyalty, little prince.”

Narcissa’s arms became a vice grip, holding me up instead of holding me back. I ducked into her shoulder, not being able to bring myself to watch what I knew had to be done.

“Confringo,”

Time passed. I wasn’t sure how much time. Maybe seconds... maybe an hour. Everything froze around me. My lung burned for oxygen. My eyes saw nothing. There was nothing left for me to see. Nothing but destruction in wake.

________________________________

“Draco give her mind time to protect itself,” Snape’s calm voice chided, watching the young boy pace outside the room you were in, nursed by Narcissa.

“No.” He snapped. “She—Fuck she’s going to hate me! Do you realize what I’ve just done!” He nearly screeched. “I’ve just destroyed everything—”

“And rightfully so!” Snape hissed. “Do you think the Dark Lord would be as forgiving as Bellatrix? If he came here and saw such things?” Snape’s eyes narrowed. “If it weren’t for the Dark Lord’s plans for her, she’d be under a gravestone by now.”

“Plans for her!?” Draco rushed his teacher, wand out. “No. He doesn’t touch her.” The threat was malicious and icy.

“It is out of your hands,” Snape merely brushed Draco’s wand away. “Has today not been enough for you to understand that there is no other choice for you here?”

Draco took a cool step back. “Crystal.”

The door opened and two pairs of eyes snapped and fell upon a weary Narcissa.

“She is awake,” Her voice wavered slightly. Narcissa walked forward and placed a hand on her son’s shoulder. “She’s asking for you,”

Ice ran through Draco’s veins as dread filled his chest. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was goodbye. Maybe this finally broke you. It’s what he dreaded the most, but knew it was coming.

You were sitting up, on the edge of the bed, your gaze cast to the floor. 

“Y/n, please, you have to—”

You held your hand up and shook your head.

“Books... can be bought again. So, can records...”

“But they—I...”

“Draco,” You called, squeezing your eyes shut. “I know.” Your voice was curt. “I know, but right now, if I dwell on that...”

He nodded and looked down.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Tears welled in his eyes as he sat beside. “Please forgive me,”

“You had no choice,” Your voice was small. “They’re just... things.” Your eyes still didn’t open. “They’re trying to break us. Break me. The Dark Lord has plans for me,” You almost scoffed. “Like I’m his pawn. Like I belong to him!” You stood pacing the room. “Well you know what? He can watch me bleed, he can watch me burn, but I will not give in!” Your voice was vehement. “I—won’t—break,”

Draco gaped at you, utterly shocked. This was... new. This was different. This was also the first time that he had ever seen you so adamantly speak against the Dark Lord with such fervor. A kind of courage that he wished he possessed. A determination that made him believe that maybe, if nothing else, you would get through this. It gave him hope that maybe he would too.

You sat beside him again and took a deep breath, running a hand through your hair. 

“How are you feeling?” You voice was gentle and soft.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” A small smile touched his lips.

A shrug fell from your shoulders and your hand ran up and along his left arm. The action alone eased the ache of the magic etched into his skin.

“I hate what I am,” He confessed through tears. “I hate what I’ve done and what I have to do. I... I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Sobs wracked his frame. “And I don’t know how you’re getting through this so well because I’m just breaking. I’m broken.”

Your arms wrapped around him, head resting on his shoulder.

“And that’s okay,” You pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Go ahead and break. You’ve been strong too long, Draco.” Your hand ran through his hair.

He clung to you desperately, sobbing into your shoulder, hiding there. And he did break. He broke on you. He came apart at the seams in your hands and you held him together.

“I—I don’t w-want to kill him,” He sniveled. “W-why haven’t you tried to stop me?” He started to hiccup from the lack of oxygen.

You took his shoulders and looked him in the eye.

“Deep breath,” You instructed and took an exaggerated breath waiting for him to follow suit. It was shaky and ragged, but Draco managed a couple. “And because I wanted you to figure that out on your own. I wanted you to make that choice,” Your thumb brushed away his tears. “And I’m so proud of you for making it,”

He nodded and collapsed back into your arms a sense of relief flooding through him despite the threats that closed in from all sides.

__________________________________

“M-miss?”

It was early January when the house-elf came to me, clutching something in her hands tightly. Cassie, I thought was her name.

“Yes?” I knelt down, a soft demeanor to the action.

“I—I am—” She started to hyperventilate, tears in her wide eyes.

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” I soothed softly. “I won’t hurt you, nor tell you to hurt yourself. You’re safe in my presence,” I held my hands out, a slow action, showing the cowering house elf that they were empty and held no threat.

“I—I have been a b-bad house elf,” She cried. “I s-stole from M-miss,”

I frown furrowed my brows. I couldn’t think of anything that I owned that was worth stealing. A depressing thought tacked on that I didn’t own anything worthwhile even to me at the moment.

“It’s alright,” I smiled something sad.

The house elf held out what she was clinging too.

My photo album, the gift from Abby last Christmas. Tears sprung in my eyes as I hastily snatched the book from the house elf’s grasp.

“P-p-please do n-n-not be cross with C-C-Cassie,” The elf sobbed. “S-she likes l-l-looking at the p-p-pictures of h-h-happy mom-ments.”

“Oh, I’m not mad,” I quickly rushed out. “Not even in the slightest,” Tears streamed down my face. “You saved this,” I set the album down and drew the elf into a hug that she tried to scramble from but eventually relaxed, sobbing into my shoulder. “Thank you, thank you.” I cried.

“P-P-Please do not tell Master D-Draco,” She sniveled. “Y-Y-You have a-a-always been k-k- kind to us e-e-e-elves, p-p-please,”

“Y/n?” Draco’s voice was concerned. “Tell me what?” Cassie squawked and hid behind me, cowering. 

“M-m-m-master D-Draco,” The elf stammered apologies.

“What’s going on?” Draco was reserved, a mask of calm.

“Cassie, she saved my album.” I ran my fingers over the leather cover. “She took it from my room I guess... said she liked to look at the photos,”

Shock and relief flitted across Draco’s face in waves. He knelt down beside me and brought the book into his hands tears in his eyes.

“Thank you,” He spoke softly to the house elf. “Thank you for saving what I couldn’t,” 

“Draco,” I chided softly, reaching out for him. “It wasn’t your fault,”

“Regardless if it was or not,” He turned his attention back to the house elf. “You have my deepest gratitude,”

I flipped to a worn page by my own hand, to a day last year in the snow of four friends laughing and smiling. It wasn’t much, but I supposed it was something to believe in.

.

Chapter 9

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Masterlist

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Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87 @artemismohr18@whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522@zombiesnips-blog @savingdraco@welcometomyworldwithoutrules@akari180 @slytherin-emerald@memalfoy-spidey@queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe@spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise @dietkiwi@katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur@belcvayelena@moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie@xtrashmouthxtozierx@cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte@braelynn-j @jiggllyy@honeymarvel @darcypottah@atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss@lottie289 @boredashaeck@beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao@deadlynyghtshayde@iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes@anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle@dragonsandbread @okaydraco@the-queen-of-hell-things@cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing  @sunflowerxsadnessw @fattycooter@angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake@fanficsigottaread@gweaslvy @strawberriesonsummer @gaysludge@cleopatera@ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby @shadowsingeraxolotl@peters-legos@quillsareforwriting @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo@wollymalfoy@lilpieceoftoast @paper-cats @floweryjh @sdicapriox@slothgirl22@peachesandpinks @monimillion @hufflautia @livize75@annie-mcl@riathearora @live-like-luna @justathoughtfulangel@coconutdawn@skteaiy @wannabeskinny-thinspo@naughtygranger​ @queenofmankind​ @dragonsandbread​ @abundantxadorations​ @moony-artnstuff​ @myforeveryoungblog​ @and-then-a-girl-with-luv​ @1-800-luvsick​ @pandas-rice-field​ @strawberriesonsummer​ @jjustsomerandomgirl​ @mrvlfangirl3190​ @loverbbgirlsblog​ @in-slytherin-we-trust​ @emmaa-t​ @introvertedrae​ @infinity1o1​ @stoleurmomsvan​ @echpr​ @sunkissed-hufflepuff @dekulover​ @marshmallowtraver​ @cereuselle​

[galaxymagick]

200913 @leo_jungtw instalive

he said hii with a kinda husky voice aaa and asking if we're doing well

"what are you guys doing these days? im doing well without hurting anywhere? (to a fan) eh you shouldnt push away ur studies (just to watch me)"

okay so he did house chores after he woke up and drank coffee, studied and composed a bit

he went to hyogi's house yesterday night but it was not that long then he went to his home and he said they didnt take selcas T.T

during march/april, he moved to another house(?) and doing some remodelling and said it was hard haha that he doesnt want to do it again in the future

okay he is reading japanese comments

omg he once reached 70kg but since it was hard to exercise and bcs he is currently controlling what he eats so he is now 68 kg T.T

a fan said that he was skinny during mydol but he said that his weight during that time was 68 kg omg

he said he didnt have any thought to lose weight so he will try to reach the weight that is easy to maintain(?) and can be reduced when he wants

fan: you will look good in any shape 

leo: haha i can just laugh at this..haha..

omg he didnt shave that much these days 

"you should do much more than you think in order to lose weight" 

okay he is not dieting he is just maintaining his health so he eats rice during lunch and eats salad for dinner

"hahaha of course my hair is black now" 

okay so he said you guys dont have to diet because of me just because im doing it.. 

so fans are asking him to show(i didnt catch it but i think his face?) for just a minute but he knows that we will share it among the fans so yeah..ahaha

he is playing a some part of his composed song aaa thank youu boi

he is using lots of genre in his music these days 

haha he is putting effort to lay down on bed before 11 or 12 am okay so it's about his bedtime guys

he cant read fanletters now since the policy in his current company doesnt allow it 

he and hyuk had about one to two glass of wine yesterday while talking about lots of thing..

"i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE"

oh he talked about the food truck support that marie antonoutte cast including him sent to minhyun for his drama and he said they always put short message such us "hwang minhyun hwaiting" lolololol

fan: why dont you show us your face

leo: noo it is just nothing.. i might show my face someday, who knows right?

"okayy we will see again in the next three weeks" then a fan asked "are you busy" and he really laugh cutely while saying "no im not busy haha"

fan: it's hard to prepare for work

leo: true especially during corona there will be not much oppurtunity but i do believe that you will do well

i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE AND I WONT UPLOAD SELCA AFTER THIS

are you resting well? (in english)

"yesss" (in english)

"minyul is currently at the age of puberty( like he is going to a mature phase) and he is not an ordinary kid, he really talks well and he will go to elementary school in 1 years and 6 months..im so shocked"

fan: nice to meet you leo

leo: wdym im about to sleep now

leo and his behavior calling minyul baby and minyul will be like "no pls call me kid now, my little sister is a baby now"

"so another week is starting tomorrow and i hope you guys will be spending it well, im thankful that we can meet like this and lets meet each other on a good day soon"

"eat well, dont go to crowded place, wear your mask, wash your hand, lets go for a long time, good night"

okay guys remember this okay!!

trans cr: @jaehwansfacts

ㅇㅅㅇ : Today I woke up then take a bath then drink coffee then clean my house then doing laundry then do this and that.. oh! I had English class today!

ㅇㅅㅇ: I came down after weighing 70kg! now I'm about 68kg..

ㅇㅅㅇ : (during doing laundry) I dont turn on the dryer because the scent of the fabric softener won't come. I tried about 5 fabric softeners but it doesn't fit so I just dry my laundry naturally.

ㅇㅅㅇ : (VIXX) Fan manager contacted me today saying that I said I'm trying to do live (instagram) twice a month but 3 weeks have passed, she even told me the exact date. So I said "alright..." (then do the live)

ㅇㅅㅇ : I'm working on many genres (writing and making song) these days. Leo-like song is great but Im trying to make non Leo-like song too!

ㅇㅅㅇ : Yesterday I went to Hyogi's house. We didnt take a selca. I made a scene and came back home..

ㅇㅅㅇ : We drink 1~2 glasses of wine and talk about this and that a lot..

ㅇㅅㅇ : Since jelpi is also having WFH (work from home), I havent read the fanletter since 3 weeks ago (till now). But I've received and read the letter I got before 3 weeks ago. Since its WFH I cant go to jelpi (to received the fanletter)

ㅇㅅㅇ: Minyool is going thru puberty. He is not an ordinary brat. He will be annoyed if someone called him "baby" he wants to be called "kid" Rolling on the floor laughing then I said to him "let's see when u understand the meaning of allowance money in two years, u will only come to find me.."

ㅇㅅㅇ: Today will be end soon. Just like what you said Im trying to do this Live till 11pm. It was a great time, and I'll see you soon, so don't be sad. Let's meet on a good day! Cheer up for another week! eat well and don't go to crowded places, make sure to wear a mask! Wash your hands well! Bye! Sleep well! Let's stay together for a long time, see you for a long time.

trans cr: @wantshik

taekwoon: anything is better than growing a mustache?

also taekwoon: i haven't been shaving these days

taekwoon: when i gain weight, i work out and go on a diet, you have to do more than what you can think of then you'll lose weight, if you don't you can't lose it

taekwoon: i don't eat salads for all three meals, i eat rice in the day and eat salad for dinner

taekwoon: "taekwoon ah you've lost weight" it's bc you haven't seen me recently~

taekwoon reading a comment: "what am i if i'm not on a diet"

taekwoon just played a piano melody from something he's working on ; _____ ; he said he's been working on many different genres, those that are leo-like and those that aren't

taekwoon said he's been reading all the fan letters recently~

taekwoon: i drank one, two? two glasses of wine with hyuk and we talked a lot

taekwoon said that 손준호님 bought him his washing machine djknsgkjk he was like "you joined (my live) to hear this right!!!" literally when he first realized he came in taekwoon was like ah why did you join !!! and someone commented that they just heard hyog's tone

taekwoon: "are you resting well enough?" yes~!

taekwoon refuses to save his live and he's like , even if i don't save my live some of yall will so don't worry lmao

taekwoon: (laughs) i'm going off, what's "it's nice to see you leo-nim"? lol

taekwoon: minyool isn't just an ordinary kid he talks really well and it surprised me

dksjngkdjgndk he says minyool gets annoyed when you call him a baby now bc he wants to be called a kid !!!! also when he's being a brat taekwoon's like just wait till two years later when you understand the concept of allowance and you'll come finding me LMAO

some of the songs he played during the live🎶

🎶 a safe place to land - sara bareilles ft. john legend 🎶 shiny - sara bareilles 🎶 norman fucking rockwell - lana del rey 🎶 happiness is a butterfly - lana del rey

trans cr: @liaxiovi

[resilientmama]

Coping

Obviously I did not stick to my intended schedule. 

I got sick, Taylor has been sick, I started remodeling a bedroom in our home and I’ve been dealing with some emotional issues.

The deployment blues have been real. Thankfully we’ve gotten to see him at least once a week, but that is not nearly enough compared to the amount of time we’re going to be missing him in our home.

The amount of support I’ve gotten, publicly and privately, has been amazing. 

I appreciate everyone who’s reached out to me, especially those that have extended an apology for believing the slander without a backstory.

Veering back to my topic, coping.

My most asked question is how I possibly do this, day in and day out. Even though court has stopped for awhile and things are moderately calm, the alienation and aftermath of it are still with me and my husband every single day.

I think for the first six months I didn’t cope with anything. I just ignored it.

I gave birth to my son, Logan, almost exactly a month after my last court date. I just threw myself into being a new mom. I struggled with postpartum depression. And then that never went away. Finally I explained the last two years events to my psychiatrist and it was obvious no depression was caused from birthing my child. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I know some people are going to say stating my medical diagnosis is idiotic. But its really not. Mental health is important. Its not something anyone should be ashamed for discussing or advocating for. 

I was abused, am still experiencing a long term abuse I don’t have control over, and I think everyone should be educated about it.

Everyone hears PTSD and associates it with current or former service members. But often victims of physical, emotional and sexual violence are who are affected by this disorder.

I do take medication for this, and it helps. I do have bad days. I have sad days. But talking about why I feel this way has helped me the most. 

What is PTSD like for me? 

Its fixation. One small thing could go bad in my day, like waking up late or forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer from the night before and I started beating myself up. This internal emotional abuse lead to fixation. I fixated on everything that’s happened, events that started in 2011 all the way to things that happened in 2018. The fixation was debilitating. I wouldn’t leave my house. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s phone calls. Taylor works out of state a majority of the time, and often we’re on opposite schedules. So the days I couldn’t talk to him, I would talk to no one. I found solace in revolving my life around Paxton and Logan. Thanks to the Life360 app it had been pointed out to me that sometimes I was going 5-6 days without even leaving my house. I had became a shell of a person. I was struggling in my college classes, sometimes dropping them for lack of motivation to even participate in online forums that were required. I hid from everyone.

I made myself sick.

I was either stone faced and silent, or viscous and hateful.

Then I saw a quote posted on Facebook. 

“Don’t judge others because they sin differently than you. God won’t be asking you about their sins, he’ll be asking about yours.”

I am by no means a religious person, but this quote spoke to my heart.

So I decided to make a change. I started talking. I refused to even say my alienated children’s names for the longest time. We removed all of their photos from our home, I cleaned out their room. I mourned my children like they had passed away. But I stepped away from my grief and started focusing on the good memories I had and the hope for a brighter future for all of us. 

I woke up one day with a different state of mind. I took baby steps. I started speaking more positively about myself and others. I didn’t wince when someone brought my children up to me in conversation. I started being friendly to everyone instead of shying away from even being acknowledged by anyone other than family and friends. 

I’ve been working diligently at this behavior for a few months now. And I can honestly say this is the closest to happiness that I have felt since the allegations started two years ago.

So what was the key to me coping? Not hiding anymore.

I started writing rough drafts for blog entries. I didn’t have the courage to publish them, but it was a start. 

When I got to the mental state that I felt all around healthy, I took this plunge. 

In my opinion, its one of the better decisions I’ve made.

I’ve hurt a lot of people during my grieving process. And I’m hoping those people see the things I write and maybe gain some insight as to why I treated them the way I did. I’m not seeking forgiveness via a public internet forum. The people I need are actively participating in my life, but maybe it will help the people who were active understand where things went wrong.

Just because I have made the conscious decision to change my state of mind from negative to positive does not mean I expect anyone else to follow suit. 

The reality of that not being possible has been shown to me, as recently as yesterday.

And this is my peace I have to speak on the matter.

I do not expect someone with their own issues and internal hurt within their heart to respect me for finally finding my voice. I don’t experience the individual day to day struggles that anyone reading my blog experiences. I didn’t believe life would turn to rainbows and butterflies the day I hit share on my Facebook. I do expect adult behavior. I expect to be able to share my story, share my healing and the things I am advocating for without being made fun of. If we focused more on improving our own lives and mental health, along with our children, we wouldn’t be swimming in this constant sea of toxicity. And not for one minute do I appreciate being made fun of on social media for doing something constructive and positive with myself after I was beat down by the same three individuals for two years straight. And if you have been a victim of parental alienation yourself, shame on you for participating in shaming the advocacy and awareness of something that does affect you daily. Things that happen in the dark will always be brought to the light. If the truth being told is an issue for anyone, don’t be a participant in immoral actions and you won’t feel the humiliation and guilt by association. Forgiveness is always an option, but you have to give to receive.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this. Watch for another post tonight on the subject of Malicious Mother Syndrome. And after many inquiries, I will begin telling you Taylor’s story next week. It’s going to take two posts yall!

Be positive, be happy, be loving.

WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF RESPECT AND BEING GENUINELY HAPPY.

[lewyn-martell]

rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to know better

tagged by @laurels-things thanks! you seem like such a nice person!

i. nickname?

lui or simply lu

ii. zodiac sign?

scorpio

iii. height?

165 cm... I'm not sure if I'm below average height on my country, but I believe brazillian people are pretty short. I may be the shortest amongst the boys in my class but I'm the tallest amongst the girls (except one girl who is nearly 180cm i stg) and as a nonbinary person this is a good place to be, i think.

iv. hogwarts house?

hufflepuff :D

v. last thing I googled?

amongst or among — i was unsure if i was using the word correctly sjbshsbshsvs

vi. fav musicians?

THE BEATLES (all 4 of them, but john lennon speaks to my soul in ways i can't describe... the way he makes me feel is something out of this world)

david bowie

elton john

brendon urie from panic! at the disco

the boys from green day

aaand i have mad respect for some soundtrack musicians bc i eat these up constantly. i like ramin djwadi, michael giacchino, ennio morricone, danny elfman, jonny greenwood (yeah i know he's from radiohead but i haven't listened a lot of stuff from this band yet and his phantom thread compositions are SUCH A BOP), hans zimmer and i've been also listening to the score of the shape of water by alexandre desplat (i like him, but jonny greenwood was ROBBED) so maybe that'll be a future fave. also i love a lot of composers for disney animated musicals but if i start i won't ever shut up. but i love almost all of the disney soundtracks.

i would say some time ago whoever wrote the songs for the smiths which i believe includes morrisey, but i recently found out he is extremely right wing and i don't think i can still like someone with these kinds of inhumane views on people&society... i'm disappointed

vii. song stuck in your head?

currently bad boy (the beatles' cover of the song), john's vocals make my pulse speed up since the first verse

viii. following?

2234 nfbdjdbjdsbjshs but i think most of the people i followed years ago are no longer active, i must go through the list and try to do a spring cleaning or something

ix. followers?

408... and like half of these i gained only the last two months or something... and i don't know why shdbsjbshsbs maybe it's the beatles thing

x. do you get asks?

i don't, but that's ok because i don't know if i have a lot of interesting things to say... but if you wanna get something off your chest, go ahead, i love to listen to/read drama 👀

xi. amount of sleep?

tricky question because it constantly changes, sometimes i don't sleep at all bc i have to leave the house at 5h20 in the morning to go to uni and i stay awake until late and when i realize i have to go shower already dhsbshbshsvshs and then when i come back i sleep for like... 10 hours or smth or i don't bc i got stuff to do and i accumulate sleep and then there will be a day of the week i'll just shut down for 15 hours. mostly i try to go to bed around 23h and wake up around 4h45, so that makes it almost 6 hours .

xii. lucky number?

never noticed any particular number that favors me

xiii. what are you wearing?

t-shirt, shorts, it's hot as hell here

xiv. dream job?

don't have one, just want one that won't consume me so i have time to do stuff i'm actually interested in

xv. dream trip?

also don't have one

xvi. instruments?

flute, some percussion, some guitar, i wish i had actually studied music besides the basic stuff... i still wanna learn to properly play something and not just beat some bongos during carnival

xvii. languages?

portuguese, english, bit of spanish only cause of the similarities with portuguese and 4 years of classes in middle school...but still, can't speak or write, only read and listen

xviii. favorite songs?

oh my god... ok...

i was making this in list format but it got way too big... it's still big i'm sorry

the beatles: i want you (she's so heavy), strawberry fields forever, across the universe, oh! darling, and your bird can sing, tomorrow never knows, mother nature's son, yer blues, golden slumbers, i am the walrus, i me mine, long tall sally (little richard cover), you can't do that, what you're doing, ticket to ride, rain, eleanor rigby, happiness is a warm gun, i'm so tired, blue jay way, for you blue, in my life, anna go to him (cover).

david bowie: time, cygnet committee, unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed, tvc15, life on mars, young americans, queen bitch

panic! at the disco: that green gentleman, she had the world, build god then we'll talk, nearly witches, emperor's new clothes, bittersweet, nine in the afternoon, northern downpour, behind the sea, stall me, the piano knows something i don't know

green day: jesus of suburbia, brutal love, hitchin a ride, blood sex and booze, give me novacaine, whatsername, last night on earth

the smiths: this charming man, panic, how soon is now

elton john: goodbye yellow brick road, bennie and the jets, rocket man

queen: somebody to love, killer queen

strawberry swing - coldplay

welcome home - radical face

joão e maria - chico buarque

barbara rose - jonny greenwood

bachianas brasileiras no 5 - heitor villa-lobos

le festin - michael giacchino, camille

rains of castamere - ramin djwadi

unchained melody - a lot of versions from a lot of artists

another day - paul mccartney

meu erro - paralamas do sucesso

flor de lis - djavan

love the way you lie - rihanna&eminem

man! i feel like a woman - shania twain

xix. random fact?

well, it's not really a fact i think... i'm moving (again) but this time is to my father's house because my mum is moving to the south of the country... and i'm so fucking scared because we aren't close at all (i met him when i was 14) i mean, he seems nice enough, all of our interactions have been mostly pleasant but his wife (and probably he himself too) is a bit conservative in the brazillian traditional white family way (she's white cause she's a southern. i know yall think all latinos are poc,,,, but that's not true) but then again, that's something i had to live with all my life so i can handle casual homophobia and racism and sexism... but it will still be so weird cause i never been away from my mum too long (i'm... a momma's boy). i'm going next week i think, wish me luck.... (also he's got two dogs who won't leave me the fuck alone, i get out of the shower and they drool all over me, they know i'm a beta so they keep getting on top of me and since they're HUGE and i'm such a weakling i can't even get them off me and i can't scold them with a strong voice, i just can't do it... i mean, don't get me wrong i like them... but... they like me way too much and keep making me dirty.. i hate being dirty)

xx. aesthetic?

farm aesthetic..... idealistic farm aesthetic habshabaha like marie antoinette's pettit chateau. also the whole pretty odd aesthetic and strawberry swing by coldplay aesthetic

i'm tagging (probably less than 21 ppl) @zutaralesbian @ekscelsior @benstolemyhearty @lannistermartell @tyrionlannysters @avatars-legend @cerseiofhouselannister @falconsredwing @gendryayaya @glittering-snowfall @agirlandabeast @bugband @alittlebigpotato @vairemelde @charmeilon @jawn-lemon @antilennon @im-only-sweeping @ssimsass

i hope tumblr actually notifies you guys, i had problems with the last one...

[washingtoncapricorns]

Lucky I’m in Love With My Best Friend (Johnny Gaudreau Fluffy Smut)

Hey Yall! So I had some major feels about the one and only Johnny Gaudreau. I liked the idea of one of the thirst night requests I got.  Its kinda also loosely based off this song.

To say Johnny is quiet about our relationship would be an understatement. The only people who knew we were dating were his sister and his parents. He hadn’t even told his teammates yet. 

“I had a hard time explaining how I got those claw marks on my back to the guys,” Johnny walked in smirking at me.

“What did you say?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing at all,” he smirked. “I just let them ponder.”

“Did Gio give you the sex talk?”

“No he gave me that a while ago.”

“Figures,” I chuckled.

“Anyway, I wanna bring you to the charity event next week,” Johnny started looking at me lovingly. “Its for children and I all the other wives and girlfriends are coming.”

“Of course,” I smiled. “I’m glad you are gonna show me off.”

“I am” he smiled. “It's a black tie benefit so I trust you can find something to wear.”

“That won't be a problem.”

On the day of the benefit, I got ready at my apartment after getting my hair done at the salon. My dress was a black deep v-neck with three-quarter length sleeves and deep slit up the thigh. I wore a pair of red patent leather flats. Being a tall girl, I never really wanted to wear heels. And after years of playing lacrosse my knees were shot so heels are always a no go. Johnny loves when I wear heels every once in a while. Johnny loves the fact that I am taller than him. Johnny would be coming to pick me up any minute. It was cold outside so I grabbed a cashmere wrap.

Here. Johnny texted.

I opened my front door to find my boyfriend dressed to the nines. He had on tuxedo that would make any girl scream  and throw their panties at him.

“You look gorgeous as always,” said Johnny kissing my cheek.

“You look pretty hot yourself,” I said as I took his elbow following him out to the car.

Johnny drove to the event, white knuckling the wheel as he went. The slit of my dress had shown my upper thigh in the passenger seat next to him. He was biting his lip and was eyeing me suspiciously.

“You look so hot right now. If it was up to me and I wouldn’t get in trouble for skipping, we would go right back to the apartment and I would fuck you until you cant walk for a week.”

“Johnny this is an event to benefit children,” I said smacking the him on the shoulder. “Get your dick under control and play nice with all the donors.”

“You’re the hot and the sensible one,” Johnny smirked.

When we arrived at the hotel ballroom, all of the team and the wives and girlfriends were scattered about the room. The doors were not yet open for the attendees so everyone was talking and laughing quietly.

“Hey guys,” Johnny says to the guys as he walks in.

“So this is the lovely, Y/N,” said Sean. “No one believed Johnny when he said he was bringing his girlfriend.”

“And now we know how his back got clawed too,” added Matty.

“Shut up,” Johnny said.

“Don't worry about the man children. I’m Mark, this is my wife Lauren.”

“Johnny’s other dad,” I joked.

“Is this just a chirp Johnny festival?” asked Johnny blushing.

“Sorry babe,” I smiled.

The PR person came by and told everyone the jist of what would be happening during the event. The guys all had some responsibilities to attend to so a lot of the women were just hanging out at the bar. I felt slightly out of place hanging out with them. I was an average girl.

Johnny was my best friend in high school. I we both went our separate ways in college and eventually i got a job opportunity in Calgary after I graduated. It was fate and Johnny was the first person I called when I accepted the position as a graphic designer with the company. He and I went back to the way we were in high school. Eventually Johnny admitted that he had been half in love with me since high school so we decided to give dating a shot. That was almost a 6 months ago and I honestly haven’t been happier.

The girls were nice enough though. Especially the wives of the veterans. They were fantastic. I felt welcomed despite feeling insecure about not fitting the mold of the perfect WAG. Johnny came back to check in and steal kisses in between his responsibilities.

The night was winding down. I had several glasses of wine and was feeling very bubbly. The event photographer took a picture of me leaning my head on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny of course asked for that picture, thinking it was the most adorable thing in the world.

As we walked out to the parking garage, Johnny wrapped arm possessively around my waist. He leaned over and whispered into my ear.

“I can’t wait till we get home and I can take this gorgeous dress off of you.”

“I want you to make me scream,” I whispered back.

The entire ride back to Johnny’s place was entirely too long. I knew that since Johnny only had an afternoon practice, that we would be up very late.

Johnny finally pulled into the garage. As soon as the door closed behind us he was on me.

“Babe you don’t know how hard it was for me to keep from sweeping you away and absolutely destroying you.”

“What’s stopping you now?”

With that Johnny pulled my dress over my head and left me in my panties.  Despite his small size he pulled me over his shoulder and ran towards his bedroom. He dropped me on the bed with a bounce, and began stripping himself and crawling over me.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Johnny whispered kissing my neck. “But I think I love you.”

“I love you too, Johnny,” I sighed. “But right now I need you to fuck me.”

Johnny kissed down my torso and slipped his fingers into my panties. I raised my hips so that he could slip them off. He nuzzled his face against my thigh. He placed slow kisses on my thighs before he licked a stroke up my cunt. He looked up at me with a devious smirk, which officially meant I was in for it.

Johnny knew exactly how to make me scream when he ate me out. I loved that he paid attention and enjoyed making me feel amazing.

“Get inside me already,” I said.

Johnny didn’t have to be told twice. He slowly lined himself up and thrust himself into me. He tilted my hips so that he was hitting just the right spot inside me. I was over the moon any time that Johnny fucked me but there was something about the way he was fucking me that felt different. I could almost feel that he was telling me he loved me.

“Johnny, please, I love you so much, please make me cum,” I whined with tears slipping out of the corner of my eyes.

“Hang on babe, let me get you there,” Johnny whispered.

He brought his thumb to my clit and pressed down. After a few more perfectly placed thrusts and I was coming. Tears streamed down my face as I clung on to Johnny.

“I love you, Johnny,” I said.

“I love you too,” he replied. “I’m so glad you came with me tonight. I’m ready to tell the world that I found my person. I’m gonna post that picture of us on instagram. I want the world to know about how amazing my best friend is.”

[kpoper2002]

Always Find You- Kim Taehyung

A/N SInce no one asked for it, here’s another BTS imagine specifically with the one and only Kim Taehyung! Fluff mainly, mentions of past relationships that didn’t end in the best way (nothing too serious, no big violence or anything. No warnings for this fanfiction) Love Y'all and enjoy!

“Jungkook, stay still,” I say trying to get the boy to stop flinching as I was putting in his contacts.

“Noona, it hurts!” he yells and I frown.

“Jeon Jungkook, you listen to me right now. First of all, it hurts only because you keep flinching and moving. Second of all, do not call me Noona please, for the billionth time. I am only a year older, no need to make me feel any older” He only nods and I proceed to put in his contacts again. I put in both of them and smile.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” I ask and he shrugs. His eyes go to my left hand and I frown. I cover up my hand because his staring was making me slightly uncomfortable. I go to the table and start arranging the makeup.

“Noona?”

“Hmmm?” I say absent-mindedly.

“Are you...getting married?” he asks and I stop what I’m doing. I look at Jungkook confusion on my face.

“What makes you say that, sweetheart?” I ask, one eyebrow raised.

“You have a ring...on your ring finger...” he says slowly. I laugh and hold up my left hand, showing the simple golden ring on my ring finger.

“This? Oh, this was a present from my older sister when she got married as a thank you for being her maid of honour” Jungkook raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“You do know that it’s bad luck to wear a ring on your ring finger when it’s not your wedding ring.” a voice says behind me, sending shivers down my spine.

I knew that voice

I turn around and see Min Yoongi leaning against the door frame. I give him a sarcastic smile

“It doesn’t matter anyway. All I ever had was bad luck in terms of love” I say, looking away and going back to the makeup.

“Noona, what are you talking about?” Jungkook asks and I can sense a worry in his voice. I look at him and smile softly.

“It means, sweetheart, that I can’t love people. At least not romantically”

“And why is that?” another voice asks. I turn and see Namjoon, Jimin, and Taehyung next to Yoongi. I look away.

“Because...something bad always happens to them”

“What about...James?” Namjoon asks.

“Surprised you still remember him. Car accident. He has amnesia. He can’t remember me and his family have blocked off from me because they believe it was my fault”

“I’m sorry...I didn’t know” Namjoon says but I shake my head.

“I’m fine now. That was-” I look at my phone for the date. July 7th. “-exactly 6 months ago actually” I laugh softly at the irony of the fact that when the subject of James is brought up, the accident has happened half a year ago.

“What about...Liam?” Jimin asks and I look at Jimin but notice Yoongi’s jaw clench and I remember how much he hated Liam.

“Gone. Not with us anymore” I say no emotions at all. I know Liam’s story didn’t end well but he’s free and his spirit is at rest.

“I’m sorry MIna...”

“Nothing to worry about Jimin. I have made peace with both boys a long time ago”

“And there hasn’t been anyone special ever since?” J-Hope asks out of nowhere, making me jump a bit.

“Perhaps there is Hobi but I am too afraid to fall in love again” I look at Hoseok and then my eyes trail over to the one boy who has been quiet this whole time: Kim Taehyung. He seemed to be very interested in his hands because he was looking down, twidling his thumbs. He looks up at me and smiles softly but I could see the sadness in his eyes. Possibly from my love stories, but possibly from something else. I look at him then look away quickly. My phone buzzes and I check it and see a message from Jin.

Seokjin: Showtime Mina. Tell the boys, please.

Me: Alright, they’ll be out in a bit

Seokjin: Hurry

I turn my phone off and look at the boys.

“Showtime gentlemen. Seokjin’s waiting for us at the centre.” I say and they nod. I grab my bag and keys, slipping my phone into my bag. The boys already left to go to the car and only Taehyung was left in the room with me.

I frown and say “Taehyung, go to the car. I’ll meet you there.”

“Mina...about those guys and their situations...” he starts saying with sad eyes

“Yes?”

“I am sorry that you have to live through it”

“Tae I appreciate the concern but I have made peace with it. I am living a good life right now” I answer with a smile but my heart felt heavy

He nods.

“Go join the boys and I’ll be there in a bit. Don’t let Namjoon touch anything. I don’t want to come to the lot to find a broken car, courtesy of Kim Namjoon” He laughs and nods, leaving me in the room.

I stand in the room and feel tears coming down my face. Why did anyone mention my unlucky love life?

“Mina...you absolute idiot. No chance now to find someone. Guess it’s my curse” I mutter to myself, wiping my tears. I shake my head and turn off the lights in the room, closing the door behind me.

I walk out to the parking lot and open the driver’s door and see Yoongi in the passenger sear. I climb in, start the car and when the music comes on, I change the music to the speakers in the back.

“Mina...” Yoongi says softly

“Hmmm?” I say, focusing on the road. I look in the rearview mirror and notice Taehyung looking out the window and not singing with the others like he usually does.

“Your eyes...” Yoongi continues. I focus my eyes back to the road.

“What about them, Yoongi?” I answer, my jaw clenching. I wanted to avoid the subject but Yoongi and I were too close and he knew me too well.

“Mina, don’t try to avoid this. Your eyes are red. You were crying” My hands tighten around the steering wheel. Damn that boy. He knows me a little too well.

“What’s your point, Yoongi?”

“You’re not over them. And you’re afraid that if you tell him, you’ll lose him too” I sigh and don’t answer. I pull up into the parking lot and turn off the engine. I look at Yoongi and whisper

“I have no choice but not to tell him, Min Yoongi. If I do, not only will I lose him but you will too” I shake my head and get out of the car and Yoongi does the same. The rest of the boys were out of the car so thankfully they didn’t hear our conversation.

Yoongi and I started walking towards the centre in silence. We go to the front and a guard escorts us to the dressing rooms. We go into the main dressing room and I see Seokjin.

“Jin!” I yell and he looks at me and smiles.

“Hey Mina!” he says and comes to give me a hug and kisses me on the forehead. He looks at me and frowns.

“Your eyes...”

“It’s six months today and a year after Liam...” I answer and he hugs me which I gladly return, burying my face in my adopted brother’s chest. His family took me in when I was a little baby who was left on their doorstep. Jin has taken care of me since that day. I let go and he kisses my forehead again.

“BTS, you’re up in five,” A female voice says from the door. We all nod. The boys sit down in chairs and I take a hairbrush so that I can fix everyone’s hair walk over to Jin and fix his hair. Namjoon was next and I part his hair. He gives me a soft smile but I could see the sadness in his eyes. I go on to fix Jimin, Jungkook and Hoseok’s hair. I move on to do Yoongi’s hair.

“Mina...” he says, gritting his teeth.

“Min Yoongi, don’t you start this now. I can’t tell him and I won’t That’s final” I whisper giving him a death glare. I move onto Taehyung and take out a bandana to put on his head (at the fan’s requests of course). I avoid his eyes the whole time.

“Mina?”

“Yes, Tae?”

“Your eyes” I sigh as he says that.

“I got something in my eyes so they started tearing up. That’s all.” I say, trying to keep my face neutral. I finish his hair and lead them to the backstage. The lady from earlier sees us and gives me a soft smile. The boys get in line and I stand at the end behind Seokjin. He looks at me and smiles.

“Good luck, big bro” I whisper, giving Jin a kiss on the cheek. Yoongi sees me takes my hand and pulls me closer to him.

“Are you sure you’re alright Mina?” he whispers. I face him and nod. He gives me a hug and I wrap my hands around his neck, burying my head into his shoulder. I let go after a bit and he smiles softly at me.

“Please welcome...BTS” the announcer says.

“Good luck boys!” I yall and they all give me smiles and thumbs up and I laugh. They run onto the stage and start their show. The lady from earlier brings me a chair and I thanked her. I sit in it and watch the boys perform Blood, Sweat and Tears, Fire, Save me, Need U and their newest song, DNA. I smile as I watch them perform. After they performed DNA, Seokjin takes the microphone. My eyes widen at the actions of my brother. He wasn’t one to speak in front of crowds. That was usually Namjoon’s job, as their leader.

“Hello Army’s!” He says and the crowd cheers.

“I would like to introduce someone to you, my dear fans. She has been with us since day one. Even before that. She makes sure we eat, sleep enough, get to places on time and most importantly, she takes care of us when we need it most. Dear Army’s I would like to introduce to you my sister, Kim Mina!” I get up as he says my name. Jungkook runs over, smiling, and leads me to Jin who takes my hand and I look at the crowd. I smile and give a small wave and the crowd cheers louder.

“My sister has been with me since the beginning of my career” I smile and hide behind Jin since he was taller than me.

“She also has many talents. One of them includes singing and rapping. Also dancing.” I bury my head into Jin’s shirt and shake my head laughing. A hand touches mine and I look up to see a smiling Taehyung. He takes my hand leading me to the two microphones set up.

“Tae-”

“Sing with me. Please” I loved singing with all my heart and I couldn’t say not to Taehyung’s smile. I sigh.

“Alright. What song?” He smirks.

“Your favourite.” He looks back and gives one of the boys a nod.

‘“Tae I-”

“Scared? Nervous?” I simply nod my head. He smiles softly and takes a hold of my hand in his and holds it. I relax a bit. The melody of “Butterfly” starts to play. Tae starts singing and I instantly felt myself relax. I start singing with him, covering mainly the rap parts and the backup vocals while holding tightly on to Tae’s hand. Who knew performing in front of thousands of fans had such a calm feeling to it? We finish the song and the auditorium is filled with a moment of silence and then the fans erupt into cheers and I smile, putting a hand on my chest. I look at Tae and he’s looking at me, smiling. I instantly hug him, burying my face into his neck and he picks me up and twirls me around. The fans erupt into more cheers.

*****

“Go shower, all of you. you guys stink” I say laughing. I go to my room and change into pjs. I walk out to the kitchen and turn on the kettle. I go to my room to grab my phone and earbuds, my mood suddenly changing from happy to sad. The kettle turns off and i go and make myself some of my herbal tea. I walk to the table and sit down, putting the tea on the table. I plug in my earbuds and put them in my ears. Pick the song “For You” by BTS and I bring my knees up to my chest and bury my head so no one could see the sudden stream of tears running down my face.

Why me? Why can’t I get a happy ending for once? And why do I have to fall head over heels in love with him of all people? I shake my head.

This is ridiculous, Kim Mina. You really thought you could love him? You really thought you’d have a happily ever after? a voice says in my head.

“Shut up” I whisper to no one in particular.

“Mina?” A voice says and I look up to see Seokjin. I give him a weak smile and sit up, wiping my eyes.

“Hey Jin I was just having some tea to, ya know, calm myself down,” I say but he looks at me with soft eyes.

“You like one of the boys, don’t you?” I laugh.

“Did you guess that just now?” I ask.

“You’re my sister. You’re an open book for me. So no Mina, I didn’t figure that out now. I figured for a while but Yoongi confirmed my suspicions.” He answers, raising an eyebrow.

“Yoongi, you little piece of-”

“Hey, I forced him”

“What did you threaten him with? Not cooking for a week? Cause not only he will be affected without your cooking.” I say and Jin laughs lightly.

“Mina...James and Liam weren’t the only reasons that your eyes were red, were they?” I sigh. He was right, I am an open book to him. I shake my head.

“Fine, I do like one of the boys. What does it matter?”

“Tell him. Don't keep it to yourself sis”

“First Yoongi, now you. Who else is going to persecute me about this? Namjoon? Jiminie? Jungkook? I CAN”T tell him, Seokjin. If I do, not only will I lose him but so will you and it’s going o be because I just happened to tell him that I love him from the bottom of my heart!” I almost yell the last part and get up and start pacing.

“Mina, calm down. Who is it?” I stop pacing and just stare at him.

“Jimin?” I shake my head.

“Namjoon?”

“Namjoon is my ‘philosophical talk about life’ buddy. Not Namjoon”

“Hobi?”

“Hobi’s personality is too much like mine. Plus, he’s more like a best friend”

Only to people left, I realize. Crap.

“Yoongi?” he says and I hear the disbelief in his voice.

“Jin, besides you, Yoongi is my best friend. He’s someone I go to when I need some advice, someone I can tell my secrets to when-” I glare “-I don’t want my older brother to know”

“So it’s him?” He says, putting emphasis on “him”. I nod slowly, knowing we’re thinking about the same person.

“You like Yoongi?” An all too familiar voice behind me says. I freeze for a moment and I can’t breathe. I turn around and see the sad face of Kim Taehyung.

“Tae-”

“You like Yoongi-hyung?” he asks again and I feel my throat go dry.

No, I wanted to say, I’m in love with you not Yoongi but I can’t tell you because I can’t lose you too...

He sighs and I can see the tears in his eyes.

“You know what, Mina? Forget it.” HE says and walks to the front door and I hear it open and close.

“Tae!” I yell and grab my coat and slip on a pair of shoes. I run out looking right and left and then see the very tall figure of Kim Taehyung going towards the crosswalk.

“Tae!” I yell as I start running after him.

Cars, all of them, cars I think to myself

“Not this time” I whisper and run after Taehyung using all my strength. He starts crossing the road and I see a car coming but it’s not stopping.

“Taehyung!” I yell and he stops in the middle of the road and looks back, not noticing the car. I run to him and push him out of the way. He falls backwards and I fall on him. We both quickly sit up and I bury my head in my hands, muttering to myself quietly and shaking my head.

“Mina?” I don’t answer.

“Mina?” he says again and I look up. He hugs me and I hug him back, burying my face into his neck.

“I’m sorry Taehyung. It’s you who I have feelings for. I just couldn’t tell you-” I pull away to look at him.

“ I couldn’t tell you because-” I start again but am cut off by a pair of soft lips against mine and I realize it’s Taehyung and I kiss back.

“Mina? Taehyung?” A familiar voice yells and I pull back and see Seokjin with the rest of the guys. Tae and I get up and quickly cross to the other side and I give Jin a hug.

“Mina, I was so worried...” He says. I pull away and Yoongi pulls me in for a hug.

“Come on guys, let’s go back,” Jin says and I pull away and walk to Taehyung. The guys start walking and I take Tae’s hand and open my mouth to say something but he cuts me off

“Mina, listen. I know that there was the whole bad luck going on with you and your past relationships” I chuckle a bit.

“But I am in love with you Mina. And whatever happens to me, I will always find you, no matter what. I’ll always find you, even if the universe tries to rip us apart”

A/N OOOOF THAT WAS LONG. SURPRISE! Hope you guys liked it and it wasn’t tooooo cheesy (unlike the Yoongi one). This one was really long in my notebook, took up 14 pages. Hope you guys liked it and please like, comment and reblog! Requests are open! Please send me in more requests! Also, this is like an early birthday present from me to you cause my bday is in two days T-T. Also, I decided to put up this imagine cause my name and Tae’s start with the same letter and we are both tall (name is Tamila, Mila is a nickname) Also I want to dedicate this imagine to my fave Tae-Tae stan @danayar2002

[itsallavengers]

Rest

Uhh so this was in my drafts which I havent checked in weeks and totally forgot about? Anyway seeing as the fic I was supposed to be posting today got deleted,,, yall can have this one from like 5 months ago instead lmao.

 Tony really should have noticed sooner.

On the surface, nothing seemed wrong. Steve was fine. A little ragged, maybe, but fine. He acted in the same way, smiled at Tony no differently, scolded Clint no less.

Fine.

(Beware the read more, mobile users!)

“Cap, I need you to take nightshift- everyone else is absolutely exhausted. You okay with waking me up in a few hours?” Natasha asked, as they sat in their stakeout and breathed heavily- still burnt out from the fight they’d just been caught up in half an hour ago.

Steve nodded, stifling a yawn and looking down at Clint worriedly, as he lay passed out across the floor. He’d lost quite a bit of blood that night. “Sure. Get some rest, Tash.”

She smiled, and then got comfortable on her thin mattress.She was out in less than five minutes.

Steve didn’t wake her, in the end. He could manage the night shift on his own.

There was a cup of coffee in Steve’s hand, and Tony looked at it in surprise. “Didn’t know you liked it black. Or caffeinated. What happened to the ‘coffee is the devil’ shtick?”

Steve looked up and smiled at his entrance, rolling his eyes softly and then turning back to the morning newspaper. “Trying to see what all the hype is about. So far, not so good. You have shit taste.”

Tony didn’t bother with a speech; he chose instead to just slap Steve lightly around the back of the head and then snatch the cup from his hand, taking a sip before Steve could stop him.

There was the roll of the eyes again, and Tony had to admit he got a kick out of making Steve do that- it had been what inspired 60% of their arguments way back when they could barely look at one another without fighting, after all. “You know, you’re lucky I’ve got a moral standard to live up to, or I would’ve killed you by now.”

Tony grinned, and made a kissy face up at Steve. “Not if I got you first, asshole.”

“Like to see you try,” and it wasn’t flirting, not really- but Tony liked to imagine. It was early, he was allowed the wishful thoughts, okay?

Tony smiled, letting a hand rest on Steve’s shoulder, massaging the surprisingly knotted muscles there. “Want me to make you another one, get you really hooked on the stuff?”

Steve paused, and he looked almost wistful as he glanced over to the mug in between Tony’s fingers and shook his head. “Doesn’t affect me anyway. Keep your bitter mud, Shellhead, I’ll stick to orange juice.”

Tony just shrugged, making a mental note to give Steve a proper backrub later. The man was more wound up than a Jack in the box.

“Suit yourself,” he said, turning away toward the coffee machine.

“Guys, guys- you’re not gonna believe what I managed to get hold of!” Clint burst into the quiet living room, where Steve had only just drifted off on Tony’s shoulder.

Immediately, Tony watched his head jerk up at the noise, and he felt a brief wave of annoyance toward Clint. It was 12 at night, after all, and Steve had been happily nuzzling right up to Tony, until the damn birdbrain had blundered in-

“Go on,” Bruce said wearily, bringing Tony back to the living room.,

Clint pulled out 6 slips of paper, waving them around in the air. “Six motherfucking Hamilton tickets, that’s what! Funny story about how I got them, actually- I was just minding my own business, making my way back from SHIELD, when I saw this family getting held up by a group of assholes. Of course, ‘cause I’m a brilliant and generally well-rounded individual-”

Tony stifled a laugh behind his hand at that. Clint threw a pen at him. Steve caught it immediately, before it could land anywhere about Tony’s person, just as everyone had known he would.

“-I went and sorted them out. It was pretty cool-  even got to try out some of the moves we were practicing at the gym, Nat.”

“Is there a point to this story?” Thor asked, genuinely confused.

Clint nodded his head, waving the tickets again. “Okay, okay- to cut to the point; I saved their asses, they were very grateful but rather shaken up, so they decided to go home instead of watching their theater production, and BAM! Suddenly I’ve got six Hamilton Tickets, for free!”

That certainly caught everyone’s attention. Even Tony sat up a little straighter. Hamillton tickets were like gold dust.

“Are you serious?” Natasha asked, jumping to her feet and checking out the contents of the tickets, eyes widening a little as she read through. “Oh my God, you guys, we better haul ass- the show starts in 30 minutes.”

Immediately, the living room burst into action, everyone jumping to their feet and brimming with excitement at the prospect of a night spent watching the play be performed on stage.

Well. Everyone but Steve.

“I... I’m not really in the mood tonight, you guys,” he said weakly, looking away from the five incredulous stares above him as he curled up deeper into the sofa.

“Come on, Steve, this is Hamilton we’re talking about. HAMILTON. You don’t just pass up on an opportunity to see Hamilton,” Bruce said, horrified.

“Yeah, Steve- I second Brucie, let’s go, let’s go- I’m sure your super-stamina can let you hold out for a night. I promise you’ll enjoy yourself,” Tony assured him, grabbing his arm and pulling him up.

Steve went with a fond sigh, mumbling under his breath until Clint thwacked him over the head and told him to savor the night, rather than grumble.

No one noticed the way Steve’s eyes were a little unfocused for the rest of the trip.

“Captain, I want that mission report by tomorrow morning, do you understand?”

Tony watched Steve’s jaw tense; saw the way he rubbed a hand across his forehead and sighed through the phone, but then gave a muted “yes” in reply.

The line cut out pretty quickly after that, and Steve remained seated at the table, staring into space ahead of him for a good minute before slowly standing up and making his way toward his bedroom, undoubtedly to fetch his computer.

“You know he won’t do shit if you just don’t finish it, right?” Tony asked him from across the room, nursing a coffee filled with a little more alcohol than he cared to admit. There was a reason for both their presences at the dinner table at 3am in the morning, after all- and it wasn’t because their dreams had been filled with too much fun.

Steve paused, hand tapping absently at the table. That was a new development, incidentally; Tony had never seen Steve tap before.- far too controlled for that.

“I know. But someone’s gotta set an good impression on this team,” Steve grinned tiredly back at him, before turning out of the door and moving to his room to start on the report.

Steve was in a shitty mood.

Tony knew it the moment he stepped in the room- Steve always had a vibe he gave off when he got like that, and Tony could positively smell it on the man that morning.

Unfortunately, Steve wasn’t the only one.

“Looking particularly crappy today, Rogers,” Clint breezed, looking up from his cereal to shoot Steve a sharp smile. His eyes were lined with bags, and his hand was shaking; barely visible, but still there.

They were coming up to the anniversary of Phil’s death, after all.

Tony sighed into his mug, and Thor mirrored him. They were the only other two in the room, and yeah, maybe Tony had a little hold over Steve, but Natasha wasn’t here to see to Clint, and he was by far the more cutting of the two-

“Guess what, Barton, no one asked you. Keep your damn mouth shut,” Steve snapped, and whoah, okay, that had got straight to the point pretty damn fast, Tony had never been able to elicit such a direct reaction out of Steve before, and they’d used to fight on a daily basis.

Clint paused, surprised for a moment. But like a shark sensing blood in the water, he quickly latched on, breaking out in a dangerous smile again as he twirled his spoon around his fingertips. “Wow, okay then Cappo, don’t blow your fucking top, I was only joking. Maybe just shuffle a little bit- the stick up your ass must have been pushed a little further up this morning.”

Tony looked to Thor, and he nodded silently, knowing what Tony meant. Get Natasha. This wasn’t looking good, and Tony had barely ever seen Steve this... skittish, before. It was freaking him out a bit.

Okay, a lot.

Steve was stood at the counter, stubbornly refusing to turn and look at any of them. Tony could hear his breathing. “Uh, Steve, hey- just take a breather, okay Cl-”

“Shut the fuck up, Tony,I’m not in the mood, just... shut up,” Steve hissed,fingers tapping constantly against the counter, fast and erratic and completely unlike him.

Tony was too worried to be annoyed, at that point- but Clint was going for it. It was really not a good morning for either of them to be speaking to one another, it seemed. “Ohh, shit, you must be real annoyed today- snapping at loverboy for trying to help? That’s a first. Usually all you do is laugh at all the shit he says and pine after him like a sick fucking puppy- old Pegs would be ashamed at your flirting, honestly-”

Tony barely managed to stand up and put himself in the path of Steve in time.

He stumbled back a little, bouncing off Steve’s chest as he took two impossibly large strides forward, but ultimately stopped when Tony got in the way.

“Steve, just let it go. Walk away. He wants to be an asshole, fine, but you’re better than that, come on,” Tony said quietly, a hand pressing Steve back a little, knowing it would do jack all unless Steve relented.

Which he did. Thank god.

He snarled, actually fucking snarled, and then turned away again, beginning to make his way to the elevator, undoubtedly heading for the gym.

Tony followed behind him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on- Steve was never like this. Not ever. It was... scary.

Behind them, Clint clapped, long and slow. “Yeah, okay then Steve, get Stark to deal with your shit. You know he’d do anything for you- look after your sorry ass just because you say please, let you use him as your fucking punching bag, if that’s what you felt like. Hell, you know his rep- probably spread his legs if you batted your eyelashes right-”

And Steve was gone.

Tony barely managed to grab hold of the fabric of Steve’s shirt before he was sprinting back across the room, heading right for Clint, face absolutely carved with fury as he hurdled the couch like it wasn’t even there. Tony yelled and took off after him, but he knew it would be no use- Steve was faster and stronger than him anyway.

He just had to hope that all Steve was about to give Clint was a shove.

Luckily, at that moment Natasha and Thor rushed back in from the other direction; Thor meeting Steve in the middle and grabbing him in a bear-hug whilst simultaneously spinning him around so he wasn’t facing Clint. Everyone was yelling now, and Natasha had already started shoving Clint away in the direction of her room, but Tony could hear his bitter mumbling from the other side of the kitchen. “Fucking asshole- wonder who woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, huh-”

“Maybe I fucking would’ve done if I’d have even gone to bed at all- but no, instead I was too busy worrying over the fact that you nearly fucking died yesterday, because you’re a reckless piece of shit!” Steve yelled, struggling against Thor’s hold a little as he tried to turn and face Clint once more.

But Thor, because he was Thor, didn’t let go. And after a few seconds, Steve just went completely limp in his arms- to the point where he wasn’t even using his own two legs to stand on, and he fell to his knees, head held in his hands.

Tony vaulted the countertop and jogged toward him, heart racing. He didn’t know what had happened to Steve, but it was definitely not normal, and it was quite frankly scaring the shit out of Tony.

Thor put out a hand as Tony got within reaching distance. “I would be careful,” he said gravely, “Steven may not be of sound mind right now.”

Tony clenched his jaw. “He won’t hurt me. Only reason he went for Clint in the first place was because he was trying to defend my fucking virtue, or something. I’ll be fine.”

He slowly lowered himself to the floor, until his knees were touching Steve’s. “Hey, is it okay if I touch you?”

“I’m not having a fucking episode, Tony, Jesus, yes, you can touch me.”

“Really? ‘Cause that sure looked like an episode of some sort back there,” Tony said sharply, the worry and panic seeping into his voice a little as he stared at Steve. The man looked gaunt; his hands covered his eyes, but it just accentuated how sharp his cheekbones were.

Tony bit his lip, hands rising until they were against Steve’s face. Gently, he pulled the hands that covered his eyes away, revealing Steve’s guilt-stricken expression underneath it.

“I’m... fuck, I need to go apologize- what the hell’s wrong with me, Jesus-”

“To be fair, Clint kind of deserved it. He was trying to get a rise out of you, you know that,” Tony rolled his eyes, gently running his fingers across Steve’s knuckles.

The other man didn’t say anything; just sighed and let his eyes flutter shut.

“Steve, tell me what’s wrong,” Tony asked softly, putting a hand up and pressing it against Steve’s jaw. He was worried- really fucking worried- and was briefly debating whether to get Thor to take Steve down to medical when the blond just shook his head, smiling stiffly.

“Just... shitty night. I’m tired. Had a few nightmares. It’s nothing.”

“Steve, that wasn’t nothing, you’re-”

“-Fine. I’m fine, Tony- now I need to go and find Clint and apologize, so if you wouldn’t mind-” Steve pulled Tony’s hands away, jumping to his feet briskly and refusing to look either Thor or Tony in the eye as he strode out of the room.

He stumbled a little when he got to the staircase, but neither of them saw it.

Clint was the one who apologized, in the end. He wouldn’t hear Steve try and get in first- which was both satisfying and frustrating.

Steve wanted to apologize. He was... he was so strong, and he’d just- when he’d run at Clint like that, it must have been scary. But when he remembered what the man had said about Tony...

He knew it would be another night of sleeplessness, thinking about what had happened that morning.

He never slept any more, anyway.

Steve was sat watching the TV, and he hadn’t moved a muscle since Tony had wandered in.

“Nightmares, I assume,” Tony broke the silence, and Steve... didn’t acknowledge the sound had been made at all.

Tony frowned. “Steve?”

It took a few seconds, but suddenly Steve shook his head and looked to Tony, eyes widening a little in surprise. “Sorry- what did you say?”

“I was asking why you were up,” Tony said again, coming to sit next to Steve on the couch as the 5am news bulletin played in front of them.

Steve shrugged. His fingers were tapping against his leg again- a habit he’d only picked up a few weeks ago, and now seemed to do constantly. “Wanted to be ready if we got another call. SHIELD said there was a chance they’d come back again.”

“Right. But you look tired, Steve, are you sure that’s a good idea? You should be well rested if we’re going out to fight again.”

Steve chuckled. “You’re one to talk.”

“What can I say, I’m a complete hypocrite,” Tony admitted, smiling softly at Steve, before nudging him with his thigh. “I’m serious, though, you need-”

“Can’t,” Steve interrupted. “Too many dreams. It’s fine. I’d rather be... not.”

Tony didn’t say anything- he knew that feeling all too well.

Instead of carrying on, he just grabbed the blanket on the side of the couch and placed it around the both of them, tucking his knees into his chest and leaning a little further on Steve. He was tired too- the whole day had been spent fighting, and more than anything, Tony just wanted to rest.

And Steve did make an excellent pillow.

In fact, he was only even aware he’d fallen asleep when he had to open his eyes again a few hours later, thanks to Steve shuffling around on his shoulder. The man was fast asleep, one hand thrown over Tony’s middle, legs curled in underneath himself. He looked peaceful, and his face wasn’t tight. It made a nice change.

He smiled down at Steve, letting his fingers run through the strands of blond hair. It was a little long, but Tony liked it like that. It was cute.

He knew the scene probably looked far too domestic to be platonic, and if anyone walked in on them right now, Tony would be dead. Not that anyone didn’t see his obvious crush at this point- he was pretty sure the hermits that lived in caves on the other side of the world were aware of it.

Steve too, probably. He was just good enough not to say anything. Yeah, maybe they flirted. A lot. Maybe even enough to make Tony hope, to push a little- even when he knew that ultimately, Steve wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

And it was only in rare times like these when Tony got to indulge himself in the little touches like this- when he got to just run a hand through Steve’s hair and not feel afraid that he’d get yelled at. He knew it was selfish, but what could he say?

Steve’s hair was really soft. It would be enough to tempt even the most selfless of men.

Tony smiled as Steve huffed again, turning around and properly squashing his cheek into Tony’s shoulder. “Don’t be pathetic,” he muttered.

Tony froze.

Full on, completely froze. He was pretty sure even his heart stopped.

And then he’d jolted away like Steve was burning, tearing himself away from the couch and then standing, ramrod straight as he stared down at Steve, horrified.

Steve, who had tumbled flat-out on the couch as Tony had yanked himself away, fluttered his eyes open, looking at Tony in confusion. “Tony, what’s wrong, are you ok-”

“Fuck you,” Tony hissed, stumbling away. His eyes were stinging, but he refused to cry, not here, not with Steve watching. “I don’t... it’s not fair, you can’t just fucking- you can’t flirt with me and mess with my head and then call me pathetic, okay, fuck you.”

Steve looked horrified, and he put his hands up, trying to reach out for Tony. “No, wait, Tony, I wasn’t... I was just... please don’ go, let me explain, I’m so tired, please stay with me, I just need to sl-”

Tony slammed the door, leaving Steve’s pleading behind him.

He didn’t watch Steve shut his eyes and choke back on a sob, whispering the same words, over and over again. “I’m so tired, please, Tony, I can sleep when I’m with you, please don’t leave, I’m so tired, please, Tony-”

Next time Tony saw him, Steve was making himself breakfast.

Tony froze at the door, wondering what the hell he was supposed to say. He didn’t particularly feel like starting an argument at this time in the morning- they’d already had to deal with the Clint and Steve fiasco earlier that week, and Tony was happy to leave it at that.

Steve hadn’t heard him come in anyway.

Well. He obviously must have done, because it was Steve, which just meant that he was ignoring Tony. Which was fine, if he wanted to be like that, then fine, Tony could give as good as he damn well got.

Chin up, eyes hard, he walked into the kitchen, steadfastly ignoring Steve’s presence as he directed himself to the coffee machine.

Steve looked up as Tony walked past him, eyes widening a little as a soft ‘oh’ escaped his lips.

And then he dropped his bowl.

Tony paused, watching the ceramic shatter across the floor, spilling cereal across the white tiles. Steve was looking at it too, his face blank.

His fingers were still tapping- no, wait, fuck, they were shaking- against his side.

“You just dropped your bowl,” Tony said dumbly.

“Yes,” Steve answered.

“You... you just dropped your bowl.”

It was impossible. Steve’s reflexes were too fast- he never ever dropped anything. He just didn’t. It didn’t happen.

A massive warning sign started flashing behind Tony’s eyes..

And then, in the time it had taken for the bowl to crash and split into shards, it all started coming together. The tapping. The slowed reflexes. The short temper and the weary look and the seemingly constant presence of Steve down in the living room when everyone else slept soundly in their beds.

There was nothing physical on his face- of course there wouldn’t be, Steve had been engineered to into perfection- so there was no deep purple bruising under his eyelashes or bloodshot redness to his eyes.

But he was tapping, and he was slurring his words a little and god fucking dammit Tony was an idiot-

“When was the last time you got more than three hours of sleep, Steve?” Tony asked slowly.

Steve shrugged, not meeting his eyes. “Last night, with you.”

“Before that.”

“...‘Bout’ta a week and a half ago,”

Tony gasped. That was... dangerously little. “Oh my god, Steve-”

“Don’t tell anyone,” Steve whispered, eyes haunted. “You can’t. They’ll take me off the team if they know how bad it gets, they’ll think I’m crazy. It usually wears off after a few weeks, I just need to wait it out, don’t tell anyone-”

“Steve, how often does this happen?” Tony asked incredulously, all anger forgotten as he stepped forward, sliding over the table in the center of the room and putting his hands on Steve’s shoulders.

Steve shrugged. “Since coming outta the ice? Maybe... 5 or six times. I don’t know what triggers it- some months I just... don’t sleep. And it’s so- so- I’m just...”

Tony felt his heart break into ten separate, jagged pieces as Steve’s face crumbled right after he trailed off, shaking hands coming up to his eyes and hiding them as tears spilled down his cheeks. He groaned, long and slow and painful as he whispered “I’m so tired, I just want to sleep, Tony, I’m so so tired-”

Tony’s choked, horrified. “Steve, baby, don’t cry, please, it’s okay, I... I know. I know you want to sleep, I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner, I was a jerk. But why the hell haven’t you told anyone? Do you black out? Is it making you sick? Are you hallucinating yet?”

Steve nodded, tiny and broken, “Black out in the gym, sometimes, but not for long. Only been sick twice, yet. And hallucinations- Just the one, and it wasn’t for long- only Peggy, when Clint brought her up- but it’s nothing, okay, Tony, please. I’m not crazy, I promise, just really... really tired.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy, Steve,” Tony assured, him, fingers working on the knots in Steve’s shoulders as he spoke. “Why were you able to sleep last night, then? What changed?”

“...Nothing-”

“Steve,” Tony said seriously, “we are going to work this out, okay, and if we are going to do that, you need to tell me what helps. Anything at all, okay?”

Steve looked at him then- shame evident in his eyes as he said “You,”

Tony went blank at that, and Steve hurried to justify himself. “I’m sorry, it’s pathetic, I know it is- that’s what I was saying last night, Tony, I wasn’t talking about you, I swear, I was talking to myself.  And I get if you’re mad at me, but when I’m with you it’s like everything else in my brain shuts off and I don’t have to worry anymore, because you’re warm and you smell nice and- yeah. Sorry, sorr-”

Tony put a hand over Steve’s mouth, cutting off any more garbled apologies. “Steve,” he said quietly, “we have an awful lot to talk about, and I fully intend to get around to that. But you know what we’re gonna do right now?” He leaned forward, pausing to kiss Steve gently on the forehead. “We’re gonna head up to your room, and I’m gonna stay with you until you get some sleep, okay? Sound like a deal?”

“You only just woke up,” Steve argued weakly, but now Tony’s shoulder was a little nearer, he couldn’t stop himself from resting his head against it. “God- I’m sorry, Tony, I’m fucking-”

“-Human,” Tony finished off for him. “And humans have a lot of problems to deal with. It does not make you weak, Steve. I promise.”

Steve sighed, and Tony gently shifted his shoulder, pulling a hand around the back of Steve’s neck and stroking the hairs there. “Let’s go take a nap, huh?”

There was a mute nod, and when Tony stood up, he had to pull with all his weight to get Steve to follow. How Tony hadn’t noticed this sooner, he had no idea, but he wasn’t going to let it happen again. Steve was obviously completely exhausted, to the point where it was becoming dangerous, and damn if Tony was going to let that slide. Once Steve had had a proper sleep, he was getting right on the phone with the best therapists he knew and arranging some appointments. And then have words about the size of Steve’s ever-growing schedule, and how to say no to some things for a change. Or how to tell Fury when to shove his reports up his ass. Although that one might be Tony’s job.

good morning guys, we are going to bed,” Tony declared, pulling Steve forward and toward the elevator as Natasha, Bruce and Clint all filtered through into the kitchen.

Tony had to hand it to them, they didn’t even blink. Bruce just sighed and Natasha told them to have fun.

Once in Steve’s room, it seemed Steve lost all energy he had been clinging on to, because he pretty much collapsed on to the bed, lying spread-eagle across it, face buried in the pillows.

Tony wondered how many times he must have just blacked out in the middle of the gym or the kitchen or the couch, just like that- boneless, spread-eagle, probably hitting his head on the way down-

Tony shuddered, focusing on pulling off Steve’s running shoes and socks. That was not something he wanted to think abut. At all.

“Thank you,” Steve whispered, curling inward a little again, like a scared kid. “Thank you.”

Tony shuffled on to the bed, throwing all doubts out of the window as he burrowed down into Steve’s arms, forehead pressed up against Steve’s chest.

Steve needed this. And Clint was right- there was pretty much nothing on this earth that Tony wouldn’t do for Steve.

“Rest, Steve,” Tony whispered, pressing a kiss against his collarbone. “Just rest.”

Steve was out before Tony had finished speaking.

[lypreila]

Whoo got tagged ages ago by @jawsandbones , but I’m a lazy fuck so I took till now to get back to her!  Sorry boo!  Tagging only a few.  @fireheartedkaratepup @the-tevinter-biscuit @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses @the-rxven-king but only if they want to!  If you want to and I didn’t tag you, consider yourself tagged! @(insert your name here)

1ST RULE: tag 10 people you want to get to know better 2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true

APPEARANCE: I am 5'7" or taller (I THOUGHT I WAS BUT I JUST FOUND OUT I’M 5′6.5″ ANDI FEEL BETRAYED) I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY: I love meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (Legit)

ABILITY: I can sing well (not as good as I used to.  I used to compete) I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month Fandoms are my #1 passion I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I have had a teacher with the last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year

LAST:

Last drink: Coca-Cola.  Sweet, Sweet caffeine and sugar

Last phone call: Dealing with Western Union support to get a customer a refund.  I low key wanted to break something. 

Last text message: To my friend “Hey Arkham Asylum GOTY is on sale for 4 bucks on Green Man” 

Last song you listened to: Praying by Kesha

Last time I cried: A while ago.  Yall may or may not know I’ve recently been put on Prozac for the depression and I believe it’s working very well. 

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: Ye

Been cheated on: Yes.  Fuck him. 

Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes

Lost someone special: Yes

Been depressed: :See above. 

Been drunk and thrown up: I invoke my constitutional right not to incriminate myself.  (Too many times to count.  I liked drinking when I was a teenager/young adult.  Not so much anymore though)

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: I have, oddly enough

Fallen out of love: Nope!

Laughed until you cried: Yes! 

Met someone who changed you: I have.  It was all for the good and I love her for it.  

Found out who your true friends are: Not really.  That all happened in 2014/15.  

Found out someone was talking about you: Nope

GENERAL:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life: One.  A small bean who’s a good artist and the niece of my friend.  I’ve known her since she was a wee babby.  She’s more active on deviant art though.  She cosplayed as Asriel for Hudson Valley Comic Con!!

Do you have any pets: There’s 8 cats and 3 dogs in my house please kill me.  2 cats and 1 pup are mine. 

Do you want to change your name: I wanted to add Elizabeth  after my middle name because it sounded fancy. 

What time did you wake up this morning: Morning? 

What were you doing last night: Re-certifying my Anti-Money Laundering, Western Union, and Prepaid access certifications.  Passed with flying colors, which is good considering I can go to jail if I screw up some of the record keeping requirements or allow someone into the system by accident.  

Name something you cannot wait for: @jawsandbones book to be done and out :D:D:D:D

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: OH every damn week.  Let me tell yall about Tom Bombard, aka Tom Bombadil, aka Tom the Bomb.  The man has trouble hearing but won’t admit it, hates his wife and family, is the slowest cashier i ever have the misfortune to supervise, and has more ear hair than ANYONE I’VE EVER SEEN IT’S FREAKY.  There’s like a magical forest growing and poofing out if his ears.  Plus poofy chest hair poofing out of his shirt which he leaves the top button unbuttoned.  He is old and short and this is not at all sexy.  

What’s getting on your nerves rn: The fact that I make minimum wage despite doing 3 different jobs, all of which should have a higher pay grade.  But hey.  THey pay minimum wage, they get minimum wage effort.  Except when I’m in the office.  Then they get 110% because I’m doing it for my fellow office bitches, all of whom I love dearly. 

Blood type: ?

Nickname: Shmemmy or Ly. 

Relationship status: Married.  12 years on Nov 27th.  I got married literally 6 months after I turned 21. 

Zodiac sign: Leo.

Pronouns: she/her

Favorite tv show: Right now?  Bojack Horseman, Steven Universe, Archer. I”m more of a documentary person. 

College: Going back soon hopefully. 

Hair colour: Red/orange. 

Do you have a crush on someone: I get crushes every 5 seconds.  They don’t last. 

What do you like about yourself: I am a loyal fucker, and an insanely good multi-tasker when it comes to work. 

FIRSTS:

First surgery: 0.  I are lucky. 

First piercing: Ears, followed by Labret (chin) followed by nose. 

First sport you joined: Equestrian

First vacation: Disney?  I was so young.  Went to Saratoga almost every year, a house in the catskills twice a year.  Out of state every couple of years.  

First pair of sneakers: Kiddo, I can’t remember. 

Eating: Tiddy milk. 

Drinking: I tasted beer when I was about 8?  To this day I’m not a big fan, I prefer liquor. 

I’m about to: Play Overwatch.

Listening to: Criminal Minds in the background. 

Want kids: No, I can barely care for myself. 

Get married: Been there, still doing that. 

Career:  I want to go into medical stuff. 

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Both

Hugs or kisses: Hugs 

Shorter or taller: Taller…

Older or younger: Doesn’t really matter to me. 

Romantic or spontaneous: Both!

Sensitive or loud: Quiet down you kids!!!

Hook up or relationship: Relationship!

Troublemaker or hesitant: Depends.  I can be a troublemaker.  In spring I liberated a bouncy horse thing from a playground. (I say liberated - I mean stole.  It was broken off of its base and could never be fixed.  His name is Lord Mc Bumblefuck and he lives in my garage now.)

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: Nope!

Drank hard liquor: Ye.

Lost glasses/contacts: NOpe

Sex on first date: Nope

Broken someone’s heart: I don’t know about that.  Maybe. 

Been arrested: Ye

Turned someone down: Yes

Fallen for a friend: Twice.  Married the second one. ;-)

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: Nah

Miracles: I believe in the universe. 

Love at first sight: Hah no. 

Heaven: Sort of. 

Santa Claus: All things are real in the minds of those who believe them!. 

[bcydbeaulieu]

for @kahlilravishans, my wife’s, bday || part 8 of 8

ok so this is it… the end. this was going to be second but i thought why not end with this. this is where it is going to get a bit emotional… so if you don’t want to hear all the gay that i am about to say then just look at the pretty edit. emily you are not allowed to skip this so buckle up babe… because you know how i can get when i decide i want to gift you some words… ok here we go!

ok so funny story… i wasn’t gonna start out this way but i was going through the early days of our tag and well i wished you a happy bday a year ago.. specifically while you were trying to get through interludes. so can you believe its been a fucking year since icos and our 12 hours skype sessions. those were the days were our relationship grew from “still had some chill” to “are you sure you two aren’t dating” so damn that book series. but seriously just needed to point that out. now here comes my incoherent babbling about how much i love you and how much you really mean to me. 

so, i’m pretty sure everyone knows the story of how me and emily met. god knows we talk about it enough. but it wouldn’t be an emotional emily and laura post if i don’t mention it so lol. i remember it, that february day, oh god. so she idk follows me or finds my blog and at the time i had a neil url and she just starts yelling at me on the chat. that stupid fucking messaging system. and of course i just start screaming back. and in the back of my mind i’m thinking how do i get this nerd girl to keep talking to me about our foxes and really i didn’t have to do much bc we exchanged numbers (she made me get a whatsapp) the next hour. and guys look.. i didn’t do this type of stuff before. i randomly talked to people and the only person i kept in contact with was my irlbff. so emily was not a normal occurrence. but anyways she asked if she could call and my heart was like beating out of my chest cause omfg what the fuck but of course i said yes and that’s how i find myself outside mid day on a february in texas walking around my front yard, my backyard, and yelling about literally everything we had in common at the time. 

now, i thought this girl is awesome and every part of me wanted to keep talking to her but i just knew that we’d talk for a month a few at max and then you know that thing would happen where you just lost connection, even tho i felt like i had just found like part of my soul. 

not what happened. the next week or couple of weeks we had our first skype session.. it lasted 6 hours yall. like who does that with someone they just met. fast forward to late august of 2016 and there we are getting into icos against our better judgement and there its kind of history. with our 12 hour skype sessions. and us eating dinner and breakfast together on opposite ends of the world and in complete different timezones. and i don’t know if something just clicked then cause we were already too close for our situation. but after that it was like i knew that this wasn’t some fluke this was real. and i HAD found a part of my soul. and god that’s cheesy but it’s fucking true. i’d run to the end of the world for this girl. and i’d do it multiple times. 

so that’s part of the story i guess. but i’m not done talking and emily i’m sorry babe but you know how i get i’m gonna write some more here so really buckle up. 

when i say i love you emily, i truly mean it with every part of me. i’ve never had a relationship like i have with you and the ones i had that came close don’t even touch to what we have. you’re so much more than my best friend and i don’t have a word for it and i don’t think words could justify it. but you keep my world spinning sometimes and then others you can make it stop. you are my rock when i need someone to ground me. you are the light in my life when i can’t seem to even get one positive thought in my mind. you support me through everything that i do and truly believe that i can be great at my career and in life in general. and i don’t know where i would be without you. 

you’re a good listener. you give great advice. and sometimes you just help me to stop thinking. you do so much for me and i hope that on the flipside i’m doing everything that i can for you. our relationship isn’t perfect and i’m glad it isn’t im glad that we can talk as honestly as we do and that we don’t keep anything from each other. and sometimes i’m amazed at how honest we can be bc so much of our relationship is over text or phone and its so easy to not say things when you’re not in person. but i would never let myself not be fully myself with you and that comes down to even the parts of me that i don’t want anyone to see. 

i’m also so happy that i’m the person that you talk to even when you don’t want to talk to anyone. i can’t believe i’m that person for someone, that person that even when the world is too much i’m not. that you trust me enough to be that person… it means… literally everything to me. 

you are always the highlight of my day, your snaps, texts, stupid messages, emojis, the fact that we’re each others screensavers. god that is freakin gay wow. i wanted to go through posts and like remember our relationship for the PAST YEAR AND A HALF CAN YOU BELIEVE LOL. but haa its like 55 pages and i don’t think i could summarize the best points cause they’re all just so good. we’re fucking legendary sometimes, you know. god this is a mess. this girl knew there was a hurricane happening in texas before i could tell her and has been the most dramatic about it. so if that says anything. 

“Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

This quote, this fucking quote ok wow. like ya do shit for yourself and you can create your own happiness blah blah like cool but babe sometimes you are the thing that makes me feel alive. and knowing that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i’m 100% you do keeps me going day to day. i’d swim across the damn fucking ocean for you. and one day we’ll get to see each other in person and it’ll probably be the best damn time of our lives and i can’t fucking wait for it bc it’s gonna happen. and we’re gonna road trip with son and yell at each other about music and scream in person about our favorite characters and spend hours reading together and probably some times on our computers not talking, bc honestly half our skype sessions are us just silently soaking in each other’s company and i wouldn’t change that for the world. 

you are without a doubt one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important and i can’t explain how it feels to have someone that knows me as well as you do and to have that in return with you. i love that as our relationship has grown it’s gone from we have all these things in common in fandom to we have certain fandom things in common but our lives are intertwined and even if we had nothing like that in common it wouldn’t matter. i know you have class on wednesday, i know you can’t skype in the early hours of morning but you will take my call. i know you live in the middle of nowhere and it takes like an hour to get to the city. i know your dad is australian but 50% of the time i hear him speak it’s with that terrible american accent. and well here…

The things i know about emily: she hates coffee but she will try every concoction she can to stay awake while reading, she loves her new puppy even though she said she wasn’t that attached, she has way too many comics (this girl set up a store on ebay ok), she is the most indecisive person to ever grace the earth, her books are arranged in alphabetic order correctly but only after i made sure they were correct, she loves rock music and can’t stand pop, she’s one of the most gorgeous people in the world but doesn’t believe it (uhm she should tho), she…. ok i could go on forever and i can never do those questions on tumblr bc i know everything about her. 

omg this should prob end soon, but like ok emily this is just a mess and i’m sorry but just if you didn’t know i love you more than anything and i hope you have a wonderful day and that we have many more bdays of yours to celebrate even when you don’t want to celebrate them. i’m so glad that you messaged me that day bc there would be a hole in my life without you. you’re amazing, incredible, outstanding, kind, hilarious, an asshole, and like my soulmate. also i’m listening to stand by me while writing this (the power rangers version) so just… i’m about to cry with how much you mean. 

to emily: i love you i love you i love you. and i will love you until the stars i’m looking at now and the ones you will see when you’re reading this can be looked at while we sit with each other outside one of our houses. and i will keep loving you through the distance and the ocean and the fights and the tears and the stubbornness of the world for not letting us be closer in the first place. you have undoubtedly changed my life for the better. you have made me a better person. more confident, happier, and somehow calm. there are days when you make my heart race (gay) and days when you make me still. (raven cycle much). you are my person (lol grey’s) and you are the first person i think of in any situation (laura no we don’t want to hear about this emily girl in australia). so baby girl, again i hope you have the best day and obviously the best life and i’m just so glad that i get to be a part of it even from so far away. i love you (to the moon and back and all that shit) <3

Oh, won’t you take me from this valley To that mountain high above? I will pray, pray, pray Until I see your smiling face. I will pray, pray, pray To the one I love.

[gxrobs]

Haven't given y'all an update for a while so hopefully this won't be too long (its so fucking long...If you wanna scroll to the last paragraph there is a long story short )but I know some ppl feel personally invested in my love/sex life so here it goes!! 

Last time I was posting I was still obsessing over my neighbor and going crazy over wanting to fuck him again / wanting the time of day from him. Well, now I'm pretty much over that and for a few reasons - ya he's totally hot, like a real life babe, but he's also like the biggest asshole I've ever met and I can't even believe I was dickmatized enough to look past how badly he treats me / most women when he's not trying to fuck them. The only time he was ever "nice" to me was like the days leading up to us sleeping together and the only time after that he's been nice to me is like 2am drunk in his apartment (and not even nice just him making comments about my boobs or waist or something) but still...not really including me in conversation. Every time I see him I just try to be cordial and say what's up but he's just like "hi" and that's it. Honestly he’s probably weirded out by me being into him after we fucked (bc of various social media followers, yall know i post EVERYTHING) which I guess is fair because ya... it was kinda weird. So if he's been rude to me the last month to get me over it -- it worked. Over him! He aint that great....I've definitely slept w guys w better bodies and better attitudes. Fuck him and his Connor Mcgregor tattoos lmao.

ANYWAY, so after that fiasco I went to New Orleans and had sort of a shitty time at first just because the friend I went with was on some other shit, and we weren't getting along. So I started swiping away on tinder and matched w this guy Johnny and I wasn't really into it at first but then once I got a little drunk I was like "meet me" but I actually ditched him (fell asleep for 3 hrs) anyway eventually I met him and he walks up and he's immediately x3 hotter in person than he was in any of his pictures AND he comes up with a thick Greek accent and y'all.....I love the whole (eastern...ish) harsh European accent so I was like DAMN! So we had a great time, has great sex and by the morning we were pretty amazed at how into each other we were and the connection we had both physically and emotionally was wild and we spent the next two days together basically just fucking and talking about everything ever in life and it was a really great time and I'm prtty sure he's my soulmate. We even have plans for him to come and visit me in Florida next month! So that's cool, got that little babe in my pocket. Some issues arise w the language barrier because hes not the most fluent English speaker (he's only been here for like 6 months) and I obviously don't know any Greek so it's tough buuuuuut there's that. Also, what's wild is he's only 21!!!! Which is CRAZY? Never really into guys romantically who are anywhere near as young as I am so having a connection w a 21 y/o is crazy to me. Also...he looks so young compared to the guys I'm usually with (with the exception of my neighbor who is only like 22 every guy I've been with in at least the last 6 months has been 28-48) but in 10-20 yrs when he is in his prime god damn is he gonna be a killer... he looks like the spitting image of a younger, leaner,Max Riemlet tbh (Wolfgang from sense 8)

But despite me having found my "soulmate" I still have to live a life in Saint Augustine and get laid somehow so I've just been going out, meeting people and occasionally tindering. Last night I ended up sleeping with someone who I slept w when I was 19 and it was underwhelming (AGAIN) just like it was when I was 19...he was better I guess. We watched TWO fucking movies and drank and then it literally was like 20 mins of making out and I couldn't take it and it was so late and I was like "ok can we just fuck now" and he finished in...you guessed it....less than a minute...and I was like "uh ok I hardly moved??" He was like "yeah but you were moving from the inside and talking to me and making sounds" and I was like like LOL. I mean I guess...because he did feel good for the 45 Seconds but i like tried to move my hips with him and he made me stop cause he was gonna cum and then like 10 seconds later I think all I said was "ur cock feels so good" then he was like "oh shit" and fucking busted GOD DAMN IT?? So to have sex...I can't move....and I can't talk??? Lmao ok. I rlly did feel like a 19 y/o. Luckily (or maybe unluckily?) he lives literally across the street from me so I just got dressed and went home but before I went I was like "uh do u wanna take my number?" Yknow, because he felt good for the bit and I was thinking maybe if he just gets used to me he can go longer and I'm like HOW convenient would dick right across the street be??? Because dick right upstairs obviously work out... But he like paused for a few seconds and I was like "ok nvm thanks for cuming in a minute and not even trying to give me an orgasm have fun dude" and left and then he messaged me on tinder and was like "here is my number if you wanted it I'm deleting tinder now because i cant deal with fucking peoples feelings up" and I was like HA HA HA "I'm literally chilling idk what about that could've hurt my feelings but I left my glasses there if you could put them in my mailbox that would be great" and he said some shit about how he got dumped a week ago and how it's "not a good way to get over himself" but I didn't reply and I woke up in the morning and my glasses were where I asked them to be so I guess that's good. 

Also, I'm back on my Mitchell bullshit. We matched on tinder and I didn't say anything because i was trying to BE STRONG but I think it was Friday night and I drunk called him and he didn't say SHIT all day then last night at like midnight before I went over to that guys house he messaged me "you rang?" and we fell into our usually rapport and then later today he texted me so now we are back to talking? Maybe? Probably not.... and if we are I already know how it's gonna go but I'm a weak bitch I know i’m sorry but honestly he doesnt even hurt anymore. 

So yeah, that's where I'm at. Long fucking story short: I'm done w my dick head neighbor crush, I met my Greek soulmate in NOLA and miss him everyday but a future w him is next to impossible, especially bc he goes back to Greece in April and has to join the military....so I need to fill the void by getting laid and going back to the familiar rollercoaster ride of pain that is Mitchell. That's all folks. 

[mysewoon]

“SHOULD WE KNOW US A LITTLE BETTER” TAG 📜

i was tagged by @urmomstax and lauryn but idk where she is thank you :” this is late i think but you must understand i procrastinate like crazy

RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people i refuse

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: i don’t talk on the phone 3. Text message: “NOTHING REALLY” 4. Song you listened to: now the future pass of this love by BTOB 5. Time you cried: like,,, this morning bc i was watching maury and that shit was funny as hell 6. Dated someone twice: i’ve never even dated anyone bless 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: do you really think i have kissed someone without dating them?? well you’re right 8. Been cheated on: do i look like someone who would ever let someone get that close 9. Lost someone special: i’ve never lost anyone special?? 10. Been depressed: i’m always depressed wth 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i’ve never been drunk wow

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: baby pink, baby blue, and mint green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yup! and they’re awesomee 16. Fallen out of love: i’ve never fallen in love anyway 17. Laughed until you cried: i laugh really hard so it’d be weird if it didn’t end with me in tears 18. Found out someone was talking about you: not in the last year!! i kept a low profile 19. Met someone who changed you: nope  20. Found out who your friends are: i’ve found out who my friends aren’t?? specifically in february of this year...  that... bitch... 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I WOULD NEVER STOOP THAT LOW

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i know them all  23. Do you have any pets: she’s not really mine but i’ve been living with a cat named baddie for the last year she’s really annoying 24. Do you want to change your name: not really?? rachel feels like me 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i didn’t really celebrate my birthday on the day of my birthday?? like a week later was when my dad came and then we celebrated... but on my actual birthday i just ate cake and sat around 26. What time did you wake up: 10am!! don't let the exclamation point fool you i wasn't v happy 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i was reading a new webcomic named lookism it’s really good so far!! but the wifi was so bad where i was so i had to wait until i went to my best friend’s house to actually finish it 28. Name something you can’t wait for: um?? the morning bc the breakfast at this hotel starts at 6am and i’m ready to eat until i suffocate 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: a little over a day ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i had more money so my mom wouldn’t have to struggle so much and that i had more opportunities to put myself out there 31. What are you listening right now: naturee 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: actually... no? that seems like such a common name but i guess... there aren’t a lot of toms just lying around for you to speak to 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my fucking laptop won’t connect to the hotel wifi although my phone is connected so my ass is sitting here like an idiot writing wonhyuk fluff on this BIG ASS computer screen oh my god 34. Most visited Website: AO3 ofc 35. Mole/s: the only one i can think about right now is the mole on the inside of my left middle finger 36. Mark/s: i’m covered in scars omg and i have a bruise on my leg that has been there for like a few years??? maybe it isn’t actually a bruise idk how bruises work 37. Childhood dream: hmm,,, i can’t even remember yesterday tbh but i guess my childhood dream was to be a writer but then i realized that i don’t want that to be my whole life 38. Hair color: black 39. Long or short hair: i just cut my hair in april and i’m so happy that i did!! 40. Do you have a crush on someone: what is a crush?? 41. What do you like about yourself: my lips when they’re not dry 42. Piercings: nope it’s not really encouraged in my religion 43. Blood type: i actually don’t know?? that would really suck if i needed blood 44. Nickname: rae... there’s not much you can do with the name rachel 45. Relationship status: single af 46. Zodiac: virgo 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: broad city, andi mack, and age of youth 49. Tattoos: i am ink-free 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: nope 52. Piercing: who made this list?? 53. Sport: i can’t even get off the couch 55. Vacation: this is such a vague question?? but lately i’ve really wanted to go to botswana and italy 56. Pair of trainers: i have a pair of adidas and space converse (if converse shoes even count)

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: vague question?? but i love to eat! my favorite is miso soup 58. Drinking: tea and coffee is all i need to get by honestly 59. I’m about to: possibly go to sleep 61. Waiting for: breakfast in the morning 62. Want: to become an online model so i can get free clothes :( but guess what biNCH?? i’m UGLY!!!!!!!!! 63. Get married: marriage isn’t for me idc what anyone says 64. Career: my dream career is to be an engineering psychologist

WHICH IS BETTER?:

65. Hugs or kisses: hugss 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms 71. Sensitive or loud: idek what this means to be entirely honest... but sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: hook up 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: lmao yall 75. Drank hard liquor: unfortunately... it wasn’t a thrill 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes,,, idk if i regret buying hyungwon’s circular lens glasses bc i’ve lost them twice already and i just got them last month 77. Turned someone down: oh yeah 78. Sex in the first date: i’ve never been on a date do you understand??? 79. Broken someones heart: i break a heart every time i step in a room 80. Had your heart broken: sigh... when jooheon dyed his hair blond that really hurt me 81. Been arrested: don’t play me i’m black i have to be careful  82. Cried when someone died: oh yes :// 83. Fallen for a friend: noooo

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: BUHAHAHAHAHAHA 85. Miracles: hmm?? yes 86. Love at first sight: nah 87. Santa Claus: lmao i was never even given the satisfaction of believing in santa claus 88. Kiss in the first date: hmm i don’t know 89. Angels: i think so

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: kadee, samantha, and rachel (we’re name twins) 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: don’t have one?? i’m not really a movie person

i’m tagging @kimiin, @1reol, @hyunqwonnie, @hyukbinnie, and @chaerismatic

[thebpdevil]

Hey the make you ask stuff questions, yeah do all of those! I love you and you are my favorite blog to go to for bpd stuff. Thanks!!!

nsfw and tmi below!

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? If we’re going by legit text messaging and not other messaging, yeah; also if we’re going by any messaging, still yeah lmao

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? We exchanged two text messages lmao

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Multiple times lmao

4. Is trust a big issue for you? i have bpd lmao

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Maybe? idk who i even have feelings for like……

6. What are you excited for? I start my job on Monday!

7. What happened tonight? Nothing interesting

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? Not in general no???

9. Is confidence cute? I mean that depends on the person and like…..the kind of confidence

10. What is the last beverage you had? Just water tbh

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? i don’t fully trust anyone including myself lmao

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yeah lmao but they’re super uncomfortable

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? lmao yall know!

14. What are you going to spend money on next? probably like some clothes or music or something

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? G O D I hope so im rotting

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Probably my friend Jensen because we’re so alike so I know she won’t judge me lmao

18. The last time you felt broken? when i found out avril lavigne is dead

19. Have you had sex today? yall i wish!!!!!

20. Are you starting to realize anything? i’m always out here realizing things

21. Are you in a good mood? right now i am lmao

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? honestly I’d probably cry but it’d be so cool

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? Nope

24. What do you want right this second? dick

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? im not super invested in anyone rn so like thats fine tbh

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? My natural color is starting to grow in but its still mostly dyed brown

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No dude wht the fuck

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? i found a custom painted D.A.R.E car on craigslist and i started thinkin abt hotboxing it

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? a little but nah lmao

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? hell no!!

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? I don’t hate him he was just creepy and annoying idk (it was some guy i was talking to off of grindr so….)

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? once again i don’t experience human feelings

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? no i drink it a good amount

34. Listening to? nothing right now

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? not unless i have to

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? probably their house??

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? nah

38. Who did you last call? probably a parent

39. Who was the last person you danced with? i honestly can’t even remember

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? A few days ago

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Yes

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Always??

44. Do you tan in the nude? what’s tanning

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? I mean?? No??

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? I haven’t done that in months

47. Who was the last person to call you? my dad

48. Do you sing in the shower? when i’m home alone yeah lmao

49. Do you dance in the car? um constantly

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yeah i have my own bow (its youth sized though so i don’t use it anymore lmao)

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? No idea

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Most of them tbh

53. Is Christmas stressful? Y E S

54. Ever eat a pierogi? yea

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? astronaut, detective, spy, paramedic, firefighter, pilot

57. Do you believe in ghosts? yes!! I kind of want to get into paranormal investigation

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah a lot lol

59. Take a vitamin daily? nope

60. Wear slippers? nope

61. Wear a bath robe? nope

62. What do you wear to bed? comfy clothes, usually a t shirt/tank top/shirtless and basketball shorts/pajama pants

63. First concert? …….casting crowns

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? I want to physically die in a target

65. Nike or Adidas? nike all the way dude

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanut shells

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I hate her but i knew you were trouble goes hard

69. Ever take dance lessons? yeah lmao

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? not really no

71. Can you curl your tongue? yup

72. Ever won a spelling bee? I got second place!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? maybe?

74. What is your favorite book? Harry Potter!!

75. Do you study better with or without music? Depends!

76. Regularly burn incense? No i can’t find anything that i really like

77. Ever been in love? yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? i would have died to see one direction before zayn left ://

79. What was the last concert you saw? ariana grande

80. Hot tea or cold tea? no tea

81. Tea or coffee? coffee but only cold

82. Favorite type of cookie? just chocolate chip

83. Can you swim well? when i need to

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? can people not???

85. Are you patient? sometimes lmao

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? definitely dj

87. Ever won a contest? yeah in like…..third grade i won five firefly cell phones

88. Ever have plastic surgery? not yet

89. Which are better black or green olives? green!!!!

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? there’s no way i would ever marry someone i wasn’t fucking on a regular basis tbh

91. Best room for a fireplace? the living room or bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? yes!

Also thank you so much that means a lot 💙💙

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.