#YOU DONT EVEN DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER
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is it normal for me to feel fucking pissed off that EVERYONE ELSE in this fucking family gets to have lots of fucking fun at this stupid party at my fuckcing house without having to worry that someone will misgender and deadname them until hthey cut themself
IM SO PISSED HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE GETS THAT HOW COME IM THE ONE SACRIFICED HOW COME
HOW IS THIS FAIR??? MY MOTHER WILL SACRIFICE MY MENTAL HEALTH SO SHE DOESNT HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE IM TRANS BECAUSE SHE PERSONALLY DOESNT WANT TO BE SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND ASKED QUESTIONS
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU
WHY ARE YOU SACRIFICING YOUR OWN SON LIKE THIS. YOUVE SEEN WHAT I DID TO MYSELF. YOU SAW ME BLEED OUT AND YOU STILL DO THIS TO ME. DO YOU FEEL NO GUILT. YOU SELF CENTERED FUCK.
BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID IVE ALMOST DIED SEVERAL TIMES, ONCE AT YOUR OWN HANDS.
IF YOURE NOT CAREFUL, YOU WONT HAVE A SON BUT A DEAD DAUGHTER. WILL YOU BE HAPPIER WITH THAT? WILL YOU?
#IM ALREADY BLEEDING BECAUSE OF YOU#I CUT MYSELF SO BAD BECAUSE OF YOU. I ALMOST BLED OUT SEVERELY IF IT WASNT FOR ME BUYING MEDICAL SUPPLIES BEFOREHAND.#I COULD OF DIED.#I COULD OF DIED AND IT WAS YOUR FAULT#YOU DONT EVEN DESERVE TO BE A MOTHER#LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID#YOU LITERALLY SAW ME BLEEDING OUT AND YOU ACTED LIKE THE VICTIM EVEN THOUGH I WOULDNT OF DONE THAT IF NOT FOR YOU#you always act like the victim when you hurt me.#tw vent#tw self harm#tw abuse#i think#vent
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the way evanora possesses agatha again when she says "i can be good", like she wants to prove her own view that her daughter cant be. making alice attack her evanora, almost recreating what happened in the trial a little bit, making this new coven see what agatha will do (again, not on purpose), and making them turn on her
#i dont think evanora is like. evil. i mean no ones evil i guess but thats also kind of the point with all of these witches right?#esp for jac schaeffer it seems#anyway i think evanora was in a position where she didnt feel like she had any other options#and it's a very intense choice to make she raised this kid for 18 years#and im not sure how full a person a ghost is#'emotion ties them to this plane' and all that#ghosts might just be like kinda like this frozen traumatic moment#so i think evanora's ghost is less complex than evanora the woman#but i think also that evanora the woman HAD to tell herself 'you were born evil' to be able to like come to this course of action at all#you have to tell yousrelf SOMETHING right? something convincing enough to commit murder#i think that agatha was born evil was a justification she told herself to be able to go through with the trial#i dont think her mother believed that all of agathas life. i dont think she even believed it except for that she needed to#but as a ghsot shes stuck in that traumatic moment same as agatha#and so agatha has to hear this#this justification for why she deserves to die and will destroy any coven shes part of
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I dont think I have the skill necessary to write fanfiction so heres my thoughts on Dick and Jason and how I would write them if I could. Okay here goes nothing.
12 year old Jason meets batman the traditional way (by getting caught trying to get his tires off the batmobile) and now he is suddenly in a world of abundance and comfort. Jason is now the son of a rich and powerful man and that causes some insecurities to flare up. He is distrustful and suspicious of Bruce initially. Jason doesn't realize that Bruce-still reeling from Dicks absence- saw tiny Jay trying to jack his tires and all he thought was "this is a small child with no home and no one to take care of him...hmm I have a home and my nest is empty, must have small child". Doesn't see that for the first few months Bruce sees an echo of Dick in all the little gestures that Jason makes (his head tilts when he's confused, his eyes sparkle when he's excited, his nose flares when he's irritated) but over time Bruce sees the ways that Jason is not Dick (he's quieter than Bruce would expect, he'll find Jason the library before he finds him in the all purpose gym, Jason hoards food like hes preparing for a war)and now he has to learn to parent a child who is "not Dick" which would be easier if Bruce would allow his heart to do the thinking for him in this one regard. There's trials and tribulations, but overall, Jason eventually feels safe and cared for, if not especially loved in the Wayne household (not that Brice didnt love Jason, he is just reeeeeeeally bad at communicating his feelings). After some time, Bruce starts training Jason to become Robin, and Jason takes to it easily and with joy. Cue the "robin gives me magic" vibes.
*Enter Dick stage left*
Dick is already Nightwing, so his visits are sporadic, but Jason can tell when he's at the manor because the atmosphere changes. There's tension between Dick and Bruce that Jason doesn't wholly understand and having Dick around is a double-edged sword. If Dick isn't dismissive and almost outright cold to Jason, he's full on yelling and fighting with Bruce. Their fights get so bad that it triggers Jason's anxiety to the point of needing to hide somewhere "safe" in the manor (usually his favorite nook in the library or at Alfreds side in the kitchen). It's weeks of this before, one day, Dick bangs his hand down on the table from frustration at something Bruce says when Jason flinches hard enough to drop the cookie he's eating. Right as they both turn to him, Jason is already out of his chair mumbling an apology before almost running out of the room. He can barely take having Bruce's stare in normal circumstances, but having both the Batman and Nightwing glares on him is too much. Dick stares after him, guilt churning in his stomach before he stands to go after him, ignoring Bruce's stern call of his name.
After looking for almost a half hour (he even tried to ask Alfred, only to receive an unimpressed eyebrow arch as a response), before he finds Jason curled up in the furthest corner of his nook, staring out the window and ignoring Dicks approach. Dick isn't shy by any means by he's almost bashful as he apologizes to Jason for seeing him like that and how he's been allowing his feelings about Bruce to get in the way of them being brothers. He explains what Robin means to him and how Bruce didn't have the right to take something that was Dicks birthright and give it to another, especially without Dicks knowing. Jason understands, and the brother bonding begins.
Even with things still being tense with Bruce, Dick's attention is Jason's favorite thing outside of being Robin. Dick smiles easily, teases and jokes with him like a big brother would, helps with homework, gives advice when asked, but what gets Jason is Dicks tactility. It's hard not to notice when Jason is now used to head ruffles, shoulder pats, and the occasional hug from Bruce. Dick would grab him around the waist and swing him around as a greeting whenever he comes by, would lean into his side as Jason makes them sandwiches for lunch in the kitchen, would run his hand through his hair as he passes behind Jason sitting on the couch, would lay his head in Jason's lap as Jason reads curled up in his-now their- nook in the library. It's a level of warmth Jason hasn't had since his mother and he basks in the attention.
Dick is busy running Bludhaven and the Titans, but he tries his best to make time for his Little Wing. Within the first week of meeting the Titans, Jason never wants to go home again. They all spoil him relentlessly, much to Dick's dismay:
(Donna keeps picking him up and flying him around the tower "Donna please that's too high, are you sure you're holding him securely? Lets maybe fly over this mound of pillows I totally didnt erect in my paranoia. Hmmm? What do you mean I'm mothering him how dare you he's just a baby-Jason I know you're 14 don't yell at me I'm only trying to keep you safe, Donna you said no loopty loops you promised"-Roy helps him make his own trick arrows "Jason this one shoots acid, whyyyy did Roy let you make this, HOW did you make this? Nvm no you can't take it with you, do you want B to kill us both? Yes you can have it back whenever you come to the tower UNDER SUPERVISION, no you can't make one that explodes, Jason I swear to god..." - Wally challenges Jason to way too many eat offs as not-so-well hidden attempts to put meat on his bones "16 wally. 16 freaking Chilli dogs are you clinically insane? No no I don't care if they're his favorite, he's puking his guts out in our bathroom and I have to take him to that gala with B in an hour, Jason hush you're still going, oh youre dying? well whose fault is that Little Wing? Wally I will literally kill you if you say I'm a mother one more time"- and Garth makes sure that the sea life know and recognize Jason as their own "Garth! Garth where is Jason? What do you mean he's still playing with the whales it's been 2 hours and 42 minutes since he's been on land, Garth he's probably a prune by now tell em to bring him back, stop mocking me are you mocking me, I'll eat a fish stick right now don't play with me bring him back NOW") but Dick wouldn't have it any other way. Having people love on Jason the way he deserves is all Dick wants for his little brother.
Over time Jason improves as Robin and Dick softens enough that his relationship with Bruce starts to improve as well. He goes out nearly every night with Bruce and Batman and Robin are an iconic duo, but inwardly Jason feels his best self is when he's under the tutelage and careful eye of Nightwing. There is a level of freedom that Dick allows Jason, his opinions are accepted more readily without fear of judgement or shut down and rapport comes easily, barbs and jokes flowing readily between them.
But that's not to say that Dick isn't a tough mentor because he is. First protege of Batman and Dick shows it in his ability to lead and his serious approach to heroism. He lets Jason have more freedom, but he also reigns him in with gentle/firm words. He listens to Jason's opinions, but he also offers rebuttals and will shut down an idea if it's too dangerous or reckless. Jason, being sensitive to criticism and with a Batman sized chip on his shoulder, tends to bite back more harshly than he should and sometimes it evolves into arguments that start out as a simple back and forth but turns to hurtful barbs being thrown at each other. At the end of the day, they're a 14 and 19 year old and sometimes they act like it :
"I totally had that guy Wing!" "Little wing he almost shot you, you can't just jump out like that you need to be more careful!" "Be more careful Jason, Be less reckless Jason, be more like Dick Jason! It's never good enough for you is it? The golden boy is always right huh?" "That's not what I said, you're acting like a spoiled brat!" "Whatever Dickface I don't need to take your shit" "Language and don't forget you little jerk, you came to ME remember?" "Oh round of applause for the good Samaritan everybody! Dickwing the savior helping out the street trash like a good boy! Make sure you dont let the street rat do too well or daddy bats might not ever love you again" "Yeah and maybe I'll just leave the 'street rat' right here and go about my business since you've got it all figured out right?You've been Robin for not even a year and almost got shot in the face tonight, but yeah you're a professional. Maybe next time you won't have Nightwing or Batman to save you, you'll just be a smear on the road and a bad memory" and sometimes it leads to them walking away from each other, both upset but too stubborn to apologize first with wounds festering...
But there are times where the apology consists of this: Jason will wait until dark and everyone is in their rooms for the night before making his way downstairs to bake Dick's favorite cookies. He'll make his way back upstairs and after knocking quietly and hearing Dicks soft reply, he'll enter Dicks room and silently place his offering on the nightstand by Dick's bed, Dick watching without comment. After, they'll just stare at each other, Dick's eyes measuring while Jason stares back, defiant even in his apology before Dick's face breaks into a small smile and he picks up a cookie and everything is forgiven.
Or this: Dick will wait until he's calmed down enough to finally make his way to Jason, who has holed himself in his room (the library is neutral territory, a place where no arguments or disagreements are allowed) to sulk. With all the audacity of an elder sibling, he will open the door without knocking and then full on tackle Jason on his bed which always leads to angry wrestling-Jason screaming bloody murder meanwhile- which leads to not-as-angry tickling which leads to cuddling in whatever sprawled out heap they end in. Jason will huff and call Dick annoying but he melts into the embrace every time.
It's through these encounters that they strengthen their bond into something damn near unbreakable and they become inseparable. Whenever Dick visits the manor, he beelines for Jason immediately, regardless of if hes there on a mission for Bruce or not. Whenever he's with the Titans, he's checking his phone for any texts or calls from his Little Wing:
"Dude your son is fine" " Shut it Wally" " Whose son? Oh, Dick? Are you still tracking his field trip?" "He's not my son, mind your business, and yes I am because he refused to tell me where he's going on this mysterious field trip-" "Gee can't imagine why-" "Donna you said you were on my side-" "and isn't it concerning that there is a side to be on?" "Guys please!"
Jason soaks up the attention like a flower first introduced to the sun. One of the first things he tells the few friends he makes in school is about his big brother. "Yeah did you know Dick could be in the Olympics? That asshole can do a quadruple flip with his eyes closed and bring home the gold but noooooo he doesn't want the publicity" "Chess? Nah I'm good but you should see my brother play, he's always one upping those old guys at the park, he's so good". He does this to Bruce too which totally doesn't make Bruce a little jealous. "Hey Dad, I'm going to see Dick this weekend" " You know you could stay home sometimes, we could watch one of those movies you like Jaylad" "No can do old man, Dick finally agreed to let me spar with Donna I can't miss it" "You're really leaving me just to go spar?" "To spar with DONNA, B there's a difference" "...if you want more advanced training I can maybe call wonderwo-" "Hold that thought B, Dick is calling- Sup dickface miss me yet? Yeah yeah I know what to bring, MOM, I'm not a baby-"
And that's the other thing that develops. It started as a joke between them, something that the Titans started way back when Jason first started visiting.
Jason calls Dick "Mom".
The jokes and the teasing over the years finally solidified into this thing between them. Jason doesn't say it often, and sometimes it's just a thought in his head, but for all intents and purposes, in his heart of hearts, there is no one more deserving of the title than Richard Grayson. There will be times where Dick is seeing Jason off to bed and as he ruffles his hair and kisses his forehead, Dick will hear a quiet "night mom" before Jason turns away to head off to his room. Times where Dick will finish saying something that'll have Jason's eyes rolling but a fond "okay mom geez" will tumble from his lips. Times where the nightmares stray a little too close to home and Dick is holding his bruised heart in his hands, vulnerability broadcasted in the way he holds himself so tightly-too tightly- to let anyone else ease the hurt but Jason squeezes through the cracks of stubbornness and frigidity with a soft "it's okay mom, I'm right here, it's okay" and will hold Dick til it passes, even if it takes all night.
These are moments Dick holds close to his heart, moments he hoards earnestly and tenderly. By this time Dick has learned about Catherine Todd, about Jason's love of his mother and how it endured almost everything,even Willis, but her drug addiction. Learns that "mom" can bind Jason in ways nothing, not even the approval of Batman, can. Learns that he holds something more fragile and volatile than a bomb and even more devastating. Luckily, Dick is the type to hold on to things, to people, so now when he hold his Little Wing he sometimes hears the echoes of 2 screams and a hard thud on a cold circus floor and thinks "this time my grip will be infallible".
#sorry this was so long#can you tell i have a lot of feelings about this#dick and jason#dick is the mother jason deserves#i will die on this hill#im not a writer so dont judge me#can this be considered a drabble or is it too long?#what even is a drabble#pre crowbar jason#I have thoughts about post lazarus jason#but this is already ridiculously long#if you made it this far thank you for reading#I'm not a writer and now I see why#dick grayson#jason and dick#jason todd#jason todd headcanon#dick grayson headcanon
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-> on mothers, resentment, and the guilt of needing to be cared for
#web weaving#mother#she gave up her world to give it to me#but i dont deserve this#and now we play house but she wont truly meet my eyes#she could've had a life without me#she gave it up because HE wanted a family#and now im an adult and shes slaving away 40+hr work weeks to continue caring for me#while he fucks off#i just wish i could take care of her#or even just myself#grant her the freedom of living for herself#every day she looks so sad and tired#and it makes me sick#mom i want it to be my turn#please stop shouldering my burdens#i want to be able to be a real capable person and prove you didnt fail#i dont want you to feel like those 20 years were wasted#im so so so so so sorry i left#im sorry i threw away your chance to watch me grow up#and then showed back up on your doorstep as some mangled excuse for an adult#im sorry you cant trust me to remember even the simplest shit to take care of myself#im sorry you had me#you could be so much better than this#i wish i could give back everything ive taken from you#more than anything#i want to take your place#i want to watch you make your way in the world with new fresh eyes#and have friends and go out and do things that make you happy#to have hobbies and interests and free time and energy
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raises my hand i actually like the concept of a shitty parent getting better i just hate when its used to be like "im good now so you should forgive me."
people grow and change and hurt people!!! and those hurt people deserve to move on without having to forgive their abuser!!!
#this is why i get defensive when ppl make all sorts of reasons why rhinedottir did what she did#if she killed dorian for being imperfect then whatever!! i hate her for that but you dont have to#not only does it go with her little mental break that she 100% had lets be honest#it also fits the “Perfectionist” thing that the sinners were trying so hard to achieve#it MAKES SENSE#even if its nuanced that doesnt make it ok!!! but at the same time i dont think shes 100% stuck to being a terrible person nor do i think++#shes always been a bad mother#i think she was a great mother before everything went downhill and honestly if she gained a sense of apathy towards her kids itd MAKE SENSE#ofc im not saying this is true. im just saying its possible and it doesnt take away from her as a character#elynas is just as reliable a source as albedo dare i say!!! he was not in a strange mindset bc he wasnt corrupt like durin#the way he described her was valid. so was albedos when he said she threatened to leave him.#if the trauma from the cataclysm is what caused everything#that makes sense#but its not an excuse and it doenst mean she had some extra hidden reason for what she did. sometimes people are bad people!!! clearly she+#did SOMETHING right with albedo because he has a sense of morality. but even so you can TELL shes not a good mom EVEN TO HIM#i dont know where im going with this im getting turned around UHM#TLDR; shes a terrible mother. and a pretty bad person. but that doesnt mean im saying shes evil without nuance#it just means what it sounds like#plenty of parents fucking SUCK without meaning to. whether she cared or not she was still a pretty bad mother. thats all im saying#im willing ot talk about her but im NOT willing to have people argue that any of her children deserved what they got.#not albedo and NOT dorian.#elynas to dorian to albedo is a great pipeline for her as a character. which is why i like to believe elynas came first;#alfisol and dorian came close to last#and then albedo came last long after the others#every character has nuance however i am allowed to dislike them despite that#tzu rambles#that said i understand how it comes off as biased when i only talk about her children but unfortunately her children are the only reason i+#know about her at all. thye are my favorites and my content centers around them </3
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who up praying for downfalls 🤨
#mine#yandere#yancore#yandere vent#oh my god have i got some things to say. ooohhuuoouugh buddy#its not even my own situation this isnt even related to me. but im being a nice upstanding young man and venting abt it instead of invoking#the curse of ra. wishing someone dies is such a good coping mechanism fr because instead of thinking about it forever i can move on with#my life. and its great! but oouuuh theres something wrong with that huh. and oh my god. this issue is so fucked but i cant explain it in#a heartfelt and meaningful way. so imagine someone is religiously devoted to a guy and their mental anguish stems from jealousy or fear#of abandonment. and they are internally tormented about that forever. and just because they dont fit your definition of whats right#youre all like Hey you know that guy that means everything to them. how about we take him for ourselves solely bc this person#this suffering person whose life depends on him- who acts like that BECAUSE they are suffering- you think they deserved to be punished for#their traumas? their guilt and pain and anguish? you are no better than whatever you think they are.#i dont think this even makes sense cause im vague on purpose. this sounds like a situation from the bible i think#idk i didnt read it. anyways im skipping and frolicking in my cradle of hatred that fills me with warmth and delight#its not required that people are nice or respectful when their lives have been wretched thanks to people like YOU#but i hope their devotion never wavers due to people who hate their happiness. its not like those people matter anyway#if youre meant to be with your Guy and you love him enough then nothing else matters at that point. its all a test#die a martyr for your own romantic ideologies or whatever satou matsuzaka said#this is literally the equivalent of like. a mother cat adopts a kitten that isnt hers bc her own kin are all dead. she protects this kitten#with her entire life. and her whole being. and hisses growls bites at anyone that comes close to it. and some human teens are like#we should take that kitten solely because the mother cat loves it so much that shes willing to get violent for it.#because its not very niceys of her to harass those who want to take away the only thing she has left! oh noes!!#like shut the fuck up dawg. if that cat mauls someone for getting too close to her baby then mind your own goddamn business#clearly they did not grow up italian 💀#clearly they did not grow up with nothing being their own. nothing being sacred. no desire to protect anything#anyways yanderes i love you. you are fr so easy to be around and you should never change for anyone. i mean maybe take some therapist#advice here and there in case your devotion makes you suffer but OTHERWISE!!! dont feel bad about being a hater!!! protect what is yours#and i will respect it so hard i swear to god. its not that difficult to treat your devotion with the kindness it deserves.#if a disrespectful teen tries to steal your kitten then ill help you beat them to death with a shovel idc
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actually no i am still mad about this. if you want to move an organization to the left you have to show up and put in the work to DO THAT. you have to get people to understand why those policies are worth moving for and how they will improve things.
#say youre a community organizer but not on speaking terms with your roommates ass website#kazoo noises#like yeah sorry i dont think high school girls should ever have to decide if they want to be mothers or not get a say in the matter. exactl#ONE group rn gives me a shot at seeing that world exist#vent posting#decisions get made by people who show up and do the work. they also show up regularly.#not to be a fucking boomer about this but sometimes you do have to put in the work.#anyway emma and i voted so her daughter doesnt EVER have to make the choices she did. hope this helps!#as always all i want is for us to win the fucking war on health crises affecting the youth and teenage parenthood is one im particularly#fucking mean about bc i can tell yall think we fucking deserve it for being born in the backwards states#even if emma was a rabid republican i wouldnt wish that shit on her. i simply think bad things dont deserve to happen to others even if the#are ''bad people''#yall gotta figure ur schadenfreude shit out it is NOT cute
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tumblr user biphobia-central when a bi4bi husband and wife walk past them in the park with their two month old in a stroller:
#if you dont know who i'm talking about: i am begging you to go to their blog and just block and report it for hate speech bc it's so.#they hate babies they hate mothers they hate men and bisexuals and trans people#and say that women who dont align perfectly with their overly specific beliefs are 'traitors' and 'dont deserve feminism'#i dont know how people like that even function bruh
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just found out rascal (babycat)'s been with his owner this whole time instead of my roommate which is. something. :|
#if you dont know whats happening basically mr and my roommate (dorms) have been raising an abused kitten belonging to our floormates#we had him for a month and a half i think and then a month of break has gone by with my roomie staying on campus and me going back home#to my prey-driven dogs and snake and cat-allergic mother among other things. hence the inability to really take him in easily.#i mean shit. if she decided to actually take care of him instead of making everyone around her into free childcare then that's a good thing#*petcare#and admittedly both me and my roommate should've been more in contact about him whether this was going on or not#we both have really bad object permanence + flow of time issues though so it kinda... didnt happen#i thought about him a lot though. i planned on coming back early to spend a few days just chilling with him before the semester started#but other stuff got in the way and i had the 'its too late so dont ask at all' guilt#idk. it seems like hes alive but i don't know much more than that rn. it makes me nervous yk#but i never thought she'd just. still have him. i never expect what she does with him tbh#i almost feel better about getting stuck and not figuring out visiting or shared custody (in my house that is Not Ideal For Him) knowing it#wasn't even really attainable but. shit.#i want her to treat him like he deserves and if she's doing that i have no right to complain. he's not my cat. he's not.#but it means she'll probably just leave with him someday. no thanks or payment or future contact. idk i just. thought this would end sooner#in taking him to a shelter or a new home or us taking him in or her putting her foot down. but instead it's like im drowning in gelatin#what am i even doing. i love him. so much. and i want a cat so so bad. i want *him* so bad.#but i didn't rescue him and i didnt even try and. god idk. i love him and i still couldn't get my ass up to visit in a whole month#i want to say it's because i was stuck and it's not untrue. but i just. idk. i still feel like i shoulda pushed through or whatever anyway.#it makes me feel like im just as bad as his owner when i know im not. im not.#he's probably a lot bigger now. assuming she's actually feeding him. god. i really thought he'd be with my roommate#for reasons im not even gonna bother getting into. and i was reassured that my roomie would tell me if something was up with him. and she#didnt. and im not mad at her it's not her fault i didn't reach out when i wanted to know. but i feel just. ough. stupid ass situation i got#myself into. stupid sad ass consequences of being nosy and big hearted and wanting to help in stupid ways#at least her dogs didnt eat him. i was worried about that. i don't think i could take it if she got him killed and i didn't push harder to#help him. but i can't just fucking. kidnap him. he's not mine and we're neighbors and i can't even keep him at my home. not really.#god i miss him so much. i hope i didn't hurt him by leaving. fucking hell.#but he needs somebody and his owner is almost certainly not it. and maybe im not either but i want to try for him. man.
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#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
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#my thing is always gonna be this#how are you upset with me because im trying to have a boundary???#how are you upset with ME that YOURE ALWAYS OVERSTEPPING MY BOUNDARIES#like yes i babysitter im a babysitter but you cant expect me to babysit just cause you need a babysitter!?? like what??!#“oh we needed to go to another church and the kids didnt wanna go” okay?? so you just dropped them off without saying anything to me??!#you didnt even ask if i could you just assumed i would cause im home??? like i dont deserve a moment???#like im not a parent#i dont have any kids and i definitely dont fucking plan on it so why tf do i feel like a single mother in my day to day??#why do i never have any free time to myself why is my free time volunteered to making sure children are supervised??!#“well since you decided this im just gonna come get the kids” yeah im within my fucking right so why are you phrasing it like im wrong#god ive never been this frustrated that im fucking crying like can i have some fuckinf breathing space AWAY from other ppls kids#blymi rants#update:: my sister did in fact come and get them#and told the kids “yall cant stay home cause auntie doesnt feel like watching yall”#definitely feels like shes putting the blame on me cool cool cool#just peachy.#love that for me lets make it MY fault whatever#god i really cannot catch a fucking break#and trust and believe im gonna have to hear some stupid ass better than thou speech about how i need to help out my sister#“because shes a student a mother AND working” as if any of those choices are my fucking concern yep wonderful#especially for a sister. that while i love her. feels entitled to peoples help because shes “going through so much”#and now i cant even fucking relax or draw or write because im so fucking pissed#which is why i wanted the afternoon to myself ANYWAYS so no matter what the fucking days a goddamn bust for me regardless
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I dont really believe in afterlife as a place, but if one exists im finding the Roman fucker that adapted the Medusa story and pummeling him to death a second time
#today on River's extremely niché literary pet peeves:#greek mythology#sa mention#<-- for as I ramble on#I've an unwavering hatred for the romans as a whole but this one adaptation in particular . THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR#idk man theres just something about changing the story to include medusa getting raped that makes me unbelievably violent#and i understand how a modern audience may want to reclaim that medusa as a symbol and all#but . Danae is right fucking there#you know? Perseus's mother? Who already had to bare a zeus child? which as you can guess she didnt have a choice to deny?#THE SOLE REASON PERSEUS HAS TO SLAY MEDUSA IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE THE KING WANTED TO MARRY HER AGAINST HER WILL#AND THAT WAS THE SUICIDE QUEST HE WAS SENT ON IN EXCHANGE FOR HER RIGHT TO STAY FREE????#I cant express in words how Danae being overlooked in nigh all non greek adaptations of this myth pisses me off but that's a discussion-#for another day#But back to Medusa. I get it. I get the wanting to stick with and support the 'other' ; the outsider etc#but shes a tragic character in /EVERY/ version#even in the ones where shes a generic monster#The roman version only serves to hurt her on a new plane that she SHOULDNT have to be hurt on.#and keep in mind that the person that wrote that probably didnt do it to add to the tragedy; but to make her seem more deserving of death#i dont know where im going with this tldr the medusa myth is super complex and interesting when you take all the characters within -#into account; and the roman version as all things roman is just fucking worse and i hATE IT- sorry the demons#- and the roman version being taken as the true one in a lot of modern circles and adaptations does a huge disservice to all of it#because for medusa to be the Symbol; perseus often has to be the Villain; and for him to be the villain Danae is just forgotten.#Like. Perseus can be grey. Most if not all greek legends are grey in a way or another.
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Sometimes I think I must consume media wrong because I don't remember The Lottery by Shirley Jackson fucking me up
Like sure I read it and was like 'wait hang on, what- oh dear.' but I didn't have the 'Dude That Was So Fucked Up I Am Fundamentally Changed As A Person' experience everyone else apparently had
And that ain't a flex btw this ain't a "oh I can read the most fucked up stuff and feel NOTHING" kinda bullshit I just. Wasn't that deeply affected lmao
#but also i got a B in English Literature A Level so I must be doing somethin right lmao#smol speaks#im trying to think why it didnt really mess with me. it wasnt a 'shocking twist' it's Where The Story Went to me#then again i dont remember many specifics from when i was younger. hell i barely remember the last week. i do know we read it though#i dont remember what conclusions i reached or what we even discussed. however i CAN think of a story that did affect me as a kid:#Lola Rose by Jacqueline Wilson. I read it in primary school and have reread it multiple times. i felt such a connection with Lola Rose#she was so similar to me even though we also had differences (her fear and hatred of sharks vs my love of them) (though her fear made sense#i dont think ive ever empathized with a character so much. and that book introduced me to the concept of abusive parents i think.#the idea of a parent who didnt simply love you but sometimes went about it wrong or made mistakes. but one who *actively* hurt their family#rereading that book again as an adult is heartbreaking ESPECIALLY the 'Voice of Doom' sections which *holy fuck i relate to*. there's such#dread and fear in that book but luckily there is hope and joy!! but God above the shit that girl deals with. anyway maybe reading a story#about a weird festival that ends with a stoning doesnt hit as hard when youve read about a girl seeing the bruises on her mother's chest#in the bath and having to tell her 5 year old brother they ran away from Dad because he hurt Mum and his response is 'but she deserves it'#abuse mention#better tag that huh. yeah sorry i put half the post in the tags again GOD i should make an actual Lola Rose post
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i don't know if i'll be able to post on here or ao3 much at all in the coming months. vent in the tags
#like real vent#i honestly think this is the worst i've ever felt#bordering on a fucking mental breakdown#i hate myself because my thoughts are so violent right now and i already snapped and talked back when i didnt mean to im scared im going to#hurt someone i fucking hate myself so much im geniunely such a stupid retard i cant even fucking do my schoolwork#i overheard my parents talking about how they might consider deleting all my writing because apparently i spend too much time on it#when i barely ever even get to touch it recently#if they do that i dont even know what ill fucking do that will geniunely be the last straw#my mother always talked about how she moved out young and how much it hurt her but she is not fucking helping right now#i dont even know anymore#im scared#i dont want to be here anymore#i shouldn't be this upset all the time#i shouldn't post this with all the tags and i know that but fuck i don't care anymore. i love you all so much and im sorry#im sorry that this shit is on your dash im sorry i made false promises about long fics im sorry i never update im sorry my writing is never#even any fucking good im sorry#i hope you're all having a better day than i am. you all deserve it#im sorry theres literally no other place i can vent and my therapist sides with my parents regardless#i love you all platonically. gonna go crawl up in a corner and fucking die
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Gah okay I hope I can maybe sleep soon but I don't know. you do not need to read these tags is it a lot.
#i do not know! i am just... ah.#i suppose in simplest terms just. unworthy or something. which is not New and is in fact#one of my only canon struggles at all really. and i. hm...#everyone else is kind of constantly enduring Everything and i got Pretty good at. not being as sad as k could be i suppose?#and now it is like. i am Stuck in a time where for the First time in many years#(closer to when my mother died for sure)#spiralling downward and it's NOT needed it is the most useless thing i could do perhaps#and I know it is not... i know it isn't Now now. its sunny and theres dirt outside and its fine but then my brain is There#and i feel like a storming stupid little child again. trying desperately to emulate a strength i dont always feel i have#and it's through nobody's fault but my own and it isnt even by far the worst thing compared to#literally everything everyone else has to deal with and its#you need to get up and do something you need to be useful or die trying. you had better die trying.#and thinking about making kaladin of all people be around me when I'm like this is. well. he certainly does not need or deserve that.#nor does... anybody really.#and i also know exhausting and hating myself isnt going to do anything that's sort of the opposite of the Whole Thing which makes it more#frustrating that doing so is my first instinct. i need to figure something out do something help more just help at all#humiliatingly vulnerable memories. when was the last time id cried as adolin... hm.#sorry about all this i think everything in the world hit me all at once#i kind of. did not Actively feel the 'disappointment' thing partially because well#at least some of my brain is at least Somewhat in the future or I know bits because of#stormlight things. and other various small memories. but now it is#one of the more intense and also more rare ones where#i am fully not emotionally cognizant#of anything else But what is ''currently'' happening#outgoing transmission#adolin post#i also so desperately miss kal... i dont wish to burden anyone with this much less him but i would love to be held unfortunately#a tugging in my brain... i do not think i let myself be so vulnerable fast enough#and was just. going downward to what felt like an egregiously selfish degree.#get up there is work to do you bastard.
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Hm I'm not putting this in yhe main tags bc. Yeah but I'm blocking ppl who call the step mother hot
#Like ok she kills people and is rebelling or whatever. She abused 2 children. One if whom we saw be abused physically and mentally in CANON#BEFORE NOW! YOU STUPID FUCKS. And I don't want to overstep bc I am not Black but both of her main victims are Black and I feel#Very very uncomfortable with people being able to. Ignore that? Like I don't know if she has a Canon/coded race so I can't speak to#In story dynamics and I can't say if it's intended as a pattern but it's genuinely something I think we should like. Acknowledge.#I dont CARE about you enjoying her killing people. That's like fine who gives a shit. I do care about the fact people seem to have assumed#That her being given nuance means it's like. Fine to gloss over the fact she is Canonically an abuser? Like look me in the fucking eyes.#She has abused Cinderella Pinocchio and her stepdaughters! I don't CARE if you want to say the first parts are because of the authors.#It. Happened. Oh wow she was written this way she didn't chose CINDERELLA DIDNT CHOSE TO BE ABUSED! AND OH HOW TERRIBLE THAT YOU WERE#ABUSIVE SO WE COULD LOVE THE PROTAG. HOW DO YOU THINK SHE'D FEEL IF SHE KNEW HER ABUSE WAS A CHOICE MADE TO MAKE HER ''BETTER'' AND#''MORE LIKEABLE''. LIKE SHE HAS TO HAVE THIS KIND OF PAIN JUST SO PEOPLE LIKE HER. DO YOU THINK THATS BETTER? THAT ITS LESS SOUL CRUSHING??#AND THENP PINOCCHIO. She. CHOSE. That. Pinocchio chose to lie to save his father. She chose to hurt his father to control him. Also more#Lore based but it's implied she did her story again. She has Cinderella's father in an etching. So. It's likely after she got this power#She STILL chose to hurt Cinderella. She chose to be the villain. She CHOSE this. She chose to hurt her again. She chose to be abusive again#Again. Implied. But I don't know what else it would imply. She broke off Pinocchio's nose. She saw him Vulnerable literally told in#By his father (even untrue as it was) that he shouldn't have been made. And she used that. She lovebombed him with promises of a mother and#Reassurance and GIFTS TO FUCKING MANIPULATE HIM. And I believe in adventuring party it was said that Pinocchio literally could not#Recognize what she did to him as abuse/manipulation because of the fact he had been taught that if something hurt him he like. Deserved it.#Or that it was in some way Correct. And that getting what he WANTED was wrong. She took advantage of that to use him literally use him#To the point he was willing to use his strings (something he saw as a trap for him literally representing CONTROL OVER HIM just to escape#Her he was literally GIVING SIGNIFICANT PARTS OF HIS AUTONOMY UP TO ESCAPE HER I DONT THIMK THIS IS FUCKING SUBTEXT GUYS)#Ppl say they want evil women and then act like the women who aren't evil aren't that bad actually because that would COMPLICATE THINGS HUH?#I'm so FUCKING MAD. Like use your brain you stupid cunts
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