#YOU DESERVED BETTER THAN THIS SHITPOST

[writer-room]

I had an idea, and so I made some low effort memes. Happy Dragons Rising everybody

That is all

[a1li-ens]

finally played sweet pool.... i really liked it but this was all i could think about most of the game 😭

[marciliedonato]

“if nothing ever happens again” “if this is the end..” shut up shut up SHUT UP.....they took the blows and did it their way....in the face of oppression say fuck you.....GET UP COWARD..... UNKILLABLES.....ARE YOU NOT SEEING IT......

[honeypleasejustkillme]

we all broke our rules for someone

[joezworld]

The Headboard [Shitpost]

So, I just want to preface this with: I'm probably sorry for this.

That being said, I put 45 whole minutes into this, so it's not like I can't post it.

Also, the art is by the very wonderful [NAME REDACTED], who definitely doesn't want their name associated with this.

(This image is here so the joke isn't spoiled by tumblr embedding the first image in the post in links. Also so I don't have to look at it.)

----

Tidmouth, Present Day

It started innocently enough. 

A “Twitch Streamer” - someone who played video games live on the internet - had contacted the railway, asking if it would be possible to charter a train. He explained that he was planning to do a live event with his fans, and as most of the video games he played were about trains, it seemed like a “fun idea” to do so while onboard a real train.

While it may seem unusual for a media personality to charter a train, on Sodor this wasn’t exactly unusual. Money was money, and trains were often chartered for sporting events, railtours, and film and television productions; while it was for a different media spectrum than usual, the NWR didn’t see anything wrong with operating a single charter train for him. 

They even did their due diligence, consulting some of the younger members of staff. to make sure that this individual hadn’t done or said something morally reprehensible, and that his content wasn’t something shocking or provocative.

It should be noted that, while incredibly tech savvy, the specific youths that the head office inquired to (which included Richard Hatt’s own children) had never actually heard about this particular “streamer” before. As a result, they did some cursory searches of his available videos, and watched a few of his live streams. 

Nothing that they saw stood out to them, but that was because they didn’t know where to look. 

--

A few weeks later

The box showed up with the post only a day before the charter was to take place. The charter would have its own special headboard, and the streamer had had one made specially for the service, so its timely arrival was a relief. 

“-eard about it,” Said one of the fitters, as he carried the box into the sheds the next morning. “From my nephew, he watches ‘im. Said it was some sort of collaboration video with a bloke who does metal forging online. Certainly feels heavy enough.”

“Looks big enough too.” Siobhan followed him through the door. “We might have to mount it up high.” 

Henry rolled his eyes hugely. Of course Gordon had been selected to do the Charter, and he’d been as insufferable as ever for the last few days. “Must you do this while I’m still here?” He yawned. “It’s too early to hear him go on and on about fitment.”

Gordon had apparently not been asleep, as Henry had thought. “Henry, if you are indeed so bothered by the early hour, maybe consider not taking the Flying Kipper? I’m sure Marina would be honored to take it more often.”

“How dare you-”

“Oi!” Siobhan shouted. They’re a hundred years old an’ yet I still have to mother them. “You, shut up. You, don’t encourage him.” She pointed to each engine in turn. “We’ve got to make ‘im spic and span in time for this shite, so no arguin’. Understand?” 

Ominous threats were left unsaid, and Gordon and Henry quickly shut up. 

Behind Siobhan, there was the sound of tearing cardboard, and then a confused “Eh?” 

“What?” 

“That’s an… odd choice of, well everything to be honest.” 

She looked in the box. “Isn’t that a… burger chain or something?”

“I think so.” The man turned his head as he pulled the headboard out of the box. “Why’s it on a headboard? An’ what does that word mean?” 

“I don’ know.” She reached into a pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “Ah, great, no service. Fuckin’ Vodaphone.”

“No wifi?” 

“It’s on the fritz, an’ IT works normal hours.” She turned to Gordon and Henry, who were steadfastly pretending that they weren’t curious. “You two know what this means?”

Henry laughed to himself. “No, but what a… jaunty colourscheme that is.” 

Gordon glared at him. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It looks silly! The letters look like they belong in a cartoon or somesuch!”

“But what does it mean, Henry? You don’t know anything?!” Gordon was indignant.

“I haven’t the slightest clue, but I assume that this is some kind of in-joke for whoever is chartering the train.” 

“A joke?! Siobhan! I will not be party to someone else’s sense of humour! Have Henry take this train!” 

By now, most of the shed was awake, and Gordon was promptly drowned out by his ever-so-supportive friends. 

“Oh no! You spent all week going on and on about this train!”

“You’re not getting out of it that easily, Gordon.”

“What’s this? Karmic retribution for how much of a pain in the buffers you’ve been? On Sodor? Who could’ve predicted that?”

“Well I certainly am not taking it.” 

“Och! Ye canno’ take a feckin in’ernet joke? Wha’ kind of a stick in tha mud are you?”

“Just wear the damn headboard!”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure your picture won’t be spread far and wide on the internet or anything!”

Gordon turned a bright shade of red and wheeshed steam at them all, which did absolutely nothing except make them louder and more insistent that he take the train. 

Biting her lip to keep from laughing at the engine’s absurdly angry expression, Siobhan helped the fitter put a ladder next to Gordon so he could mount the headboard at the top of the firebox. 

“If this turns out to be some obscene prank,” Gordon stared at them through narrowed eyes. “I will make it my mission in life to make you regret it.” 

“Good wit’ that, Bluey.”

----------

Later

The cleaners came and went in a flurry of polish and rags, and Gordon sparkled from end to end whether he liked it or not. Not a person he asked knew anything about the headboard, which only made him more suspicious that someone was keeping something from him. 

“I promise you that we’re not.” The Fat Controller had made his way over to the sheds at the urging of everyone who had spoken to Gordon that morning. “I assure you that this person is merely an… internet personality. If this is a joke, it’s harmless.”  

“But sir!” Gordon protested. “Nobody is even willing to find out! What if this is all just a joke?”

Stephen smiled kindly. “Nobody can look anything up right now - someone in Suddery was doing some digging last night and cut through a major communications cable - half the Island has no telephone or internet service today, us included.”

“Well, that doesn’t ch-”

“And, if it is a joke, even one at your expense, I expect you to be pleasant and composed for the railtour like the express engine you are.” He finished firmly. “If that is the case, we will deal with it as it comes, and you can tell me that you were right until you are blue in the face. Understand?” 

“Yes sir.” 

“Excellent. The train boards at nine sharp, and I expect you to be as pleasant as you possibly can be.”

Behind him, there was a murmur of “that’s expecting a lot, isn’t it?”, but the culprit was too stone-faced to be picked out of a lineup, despite dual glares from man and engine. 

----------

Eight Thirty. 

Gordon collected the train from the coach yard, and pulled into the platform with all of his considerable grace and pomposity on display. He was serene, he was calm, he was not the butt of someone’s-

“Oh” Two platforms over, Tornado stared, not at him, but up, at the board, looking for all the world like someone had smacked her upside the smokebox with a heavy object. 

“What.” He said, his fears instantly solidifying, and then transforming into anger. 

“Oh no.” She said, not paying any attention. 

Before anything else could be said, Donald rattled through the station, a heavy stone train from the Little Western trailing behind him. Tornado’s guard blew his whistle and waved his flag as the hoppers rolled by, and before Gordon could ask her what was wrong, she left in a great hurry.

His scowl formed and then instantly deepened. I have been made a fool of.  

He stayed this way, simmering angrily for almost ten minutes before Siobhan came out, a trainee fireman in tow. She walked down the platform, explaining the specifics of main line firing to the young man, before realizing that he’d stopped dead in his tracks. “Somethin’ wrong lad?”

“You do know what that means?” He said, blushing scarlet. 

“I knew it!” Gordon whistled angrily. “It is an obscene joke! What does it mean?! Out with it, boy!” 

The young man went pale underneath his blush, and shook his head back and forth in terror. “Oh no, no no no, no way.”

Siobhan wasn’t sure if she should be upset at the apparent obscenity, or in stitches at the idea of it happening to Gordon of all engines. “Lad, seriously, wha’ is it?” 

“I’m not saying it at work.” He said in a small voice. 

Gordon looked thunderous, and Siobhan decided that the headboard needed to come off before anything else was said. 

Of course, this was Sodor, and trouble reared its head at exactly this moment. 

The charter train was quite short, and Gordon was somewhat further back in the station than he ordinarily would be. This meant that when Oliver puffed in with a passenger train from the Little Western, he stopped ahead of Gordon on the platform. His passengers disembarked, streaming out of Dulcie and Isabel towards the stairways for the under-platform tunnels. 

It was half term, so quite a few young people were on the train, and as they walked down the platform, they all did the same thing: they looked at Gordon, looked at his headboard, looked at the platform or their phone, then quite violently looked back at the headboard. Some even stopped in place, and one girl just barely managed to stifle a shriek that otherwise would’ve echoed throughout the station building. 

Then the cell phone cameras came out. 

-----

In the station cafe, Stephen Hatt’s phone ‘pinged’ - the first time it had done so all morning. 

Ah! He thought to himself. Service is back. 

He immediately began paging through his rapidly growing backlog of emails and news alerts, before a business news article caught his attention.

That better not have been an obscene reference… He thought to himself as he typed in the seemingly innocuous phrase. 

-

-

-

His phone almost fell out of his hand, as he flailed and struggled to close the obscene tab he had just opened. 

Shoving aside another patron, he flew through the door of the cafe, his top hat just barely staying on his head. There, across the platform, Gordon was surrounded by a crowd of helplessly laughing teenagers, looking angrier than he’d ever been. 

“SIR!” He boomed, having seen the man exit the restaurant. “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE!”

[wildmelon]

my sims from ~3 years ago give me nightmares

[4uru]

Jace: *exists*

Me: ew🤢🤮

Celine: *literally just as bad except for thr incest shit*

Me: 💍💍💍💍

[gothamcityneedsme]

My sister was SO AGAINST arkhamverse barbara/tim but i fucking GOT her while playing the dlcs in front of her

[alltimefail]

ATTENTION DEAD BOYS FANDOM:

We have some unfinished business and a case to solve: The Case of the Curious Cancellation! 💀🔎

Here are the ways you can help (be sure to read until the end).

I'm not sure how many people here on Tumblr are also over on DBDA Twitter, but there have been MANY developments in the last 24 hours and it's important for all of us to be on the same page if we're going to have a chance in hell of saving our show.

First and foremost, we need to get Dead Boy Detectives in the Netflix Top 10 again. This means running it as much as possible. Read about that below:

(SOURCE x)

As the graphic says, the goal is to have it running on a loop constantly, as much as you physically can. Be sure to have some level of volume on or else it won't count. If you're on Twitter be sure to post your rewatch (photos of your tv, commentary, etc.) with the hashtag #ReviveDeadBoyDetectives !!!

Also, there's no better time to do this: the Tweet below brings up a great point! 👍

(SOURCE x)

Second, and easiest thing: KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE SHOW AND CREATING CONTENT ABOUT THE SHOW. Analysis, fics, fanart, shitposts, gif sets, memes, tik tok videos, so on - do not stop! Reblog other people's stuff and talk about it! Give fics kudos, comment, make fic rec lists and post that WIP or sketch! The most important thing to remember is to TAG YOUR POSTS AND CREATIONS. We need to trend!!! On Tumblr make sure you continue tagging your posts as you probably already are (look at my tags on this post if you need help, and remember not to use "DBD" on here because that is another fandom! We use DBDA here). On Twitter you want to use the hashtag #ReviveDeadBoyDetectives for the rewatch and #SaveDeadBoyDetectives is a popular one, too. You can also use #DeadBoyDetectives. Hell, I usually use all three if I can! Hashtag every post you make about Dead Boys, no matter how annoying or "cringe" you may feel. Flood the fucking tag and do not stop.

Third, everyone needs to sign and keep circulating the petition. We've surpassed 5,000 signatures in a day which is fantastic, but we need more. Get everyone you know to sign it; tell them it takes no more than 15 seconds. Be annoying until they do it just to shut you up.

Fourth, request "Dead Boy Detectives Season 2" through Netflix's support website. It's a small thing but if we all do this a couple times a day it will get their attention. They really do vet these suggestions, and an influx of requests for a canceled show will raise eyebrows.

Lastly, if you decide to write Netflix (via email or a letter - their office address has been floating around) please remember to stay concise and professional. Don't curse at them, don't call names. State that you are disappointed with the cancellation of the show, maybe add an anecdote about what it meant to you, and I would even recommend attaching some articles that emphasize people's displeasure with the platform abandoning shows on a whim and Netflix's flippant attitude toward queer shows in particular. Dead Boy Detective Agency on Twitter has retweeted every article on this topic so far, you can find their page here.

You can also use graphics such as the ones below to affirm that the cancellation was unjust.

(Source 1, Source 2)

I know this feels like a lot: know your limits and take care of yourself. Whether you do every single one of these things or just a few of these things, every llittle bit helps!

Even in the worst case scenario where nothing changes, this gesture will mean so much to everyone who made this show. We owe it to the writers, cast, crew, and each other to TRY. We can all agree that this show deserves at least another season and if Netflix isn't going to do it, they need to be open to selling it to someone who will. We cannot keep allowing them to axe these queer and diverse shows with little regard for their customers and their employees, but also because it sets a harmful standard in the industry that is destroying television.

Let's crack this case and bring our agency back! I truly believe in this community!! 💜 We can do this!!

If there are any spelling errors or issues with links let me know! I did this on mobile because I want to mobilize this information as quickly as possible! I'll be adding on to this with new developments and can answer any questions you all might have. Lets save our show!

[heartfullofleeches]

Yan Entity + [G.N] Fastfood Worker Reader

Why the ice cream machine at your job doesn't work anymore. Aka a shitpost made with a little too much effort.

[Suggestive]

"Y/n! Machine's broke!"

"So-?"

"..Can you fix it?"

You shove your earpiece into the hands of your coworker. As the person who's been on board the longest aside from your manager, wherever they are, and just sane enough to tell the tale the recent hires often ran to you for help with the issue of the day. Or hour, if you're really unlucky- By now, this place has broken you down enough that you simply carry through the task at hand under the guide of ancient instruction manuals you found lying around. You were used to doing things about your pay grade, but this one was personal.

The ice cream was what kept you pushing. Arguably the only thing edible on the menu, with enough taste to back that claim up. Rich, creamy, and a hundred percent free for members of the staff. At the start of your break or during the end of your shift you'd grab a cone to relish in the fruit of your hard labor with frozen goodness.

You walk over the kitchen side of the room. The evening rush was dying down and it was just you and your coworker today so that only left you and whoever was sitting atop the machine you were sent to fix in the area.

"Hellooo there~"

Maybe it's time you go check on the drive in window. Gets lonely this time of night.

The intruder kicks their feet against the side of the machine, humming along happily to the beat. You recognize them as the coworker who quit just the other day, but something's off. Their head bends at an odd angle to get a better look at you from their position; eyes milky white rather than the baby blues remember and their skin ghostly pale, lines of foam frothed in the corner of their lips. Their uniform seemed dated with the outfit painted white as apposed to the typical burnt red and the patch on their shirt depicting the pair of horns floating over an ice cream cone. You can see something roll back on their ashen tongue as they speak again.

"Missed you today."

"You quit four days ago."

"This...." They look at their badge. "Teri individual certainly did. I on the other hand have been here for quite a while and probably the first to see what's so great about you. Nice warm hands and willing to take it straight from the nozzle."

You knew that twenty wasn't worth taking that bet. "That was one time."

"Seven, actually. Believe me I kept track.

"Whatever. Can you move so I can fix the machine?"

"That's a nice looking cone right there."

You follow their eyes. There's an ice cream cone on the counter within arm's reach - topped with the perfect swirl that put your attempts to a murky grave. "What about it?"

"Go on- Taste it. You deserve a little something special after all your effort."

"I really have to fix the machine..."

"Do this and it'll run good as new. I promise."

You pick up the cone. Your "coworker" straights up like a post and place their hands between their legs as they lean in, dipping so far it looked like they were ready to pounce. Tossing them a sideeye, you course your tongue upside the peaked curves of the treat. Probably not the best course of action as you catch the moment their soul figuratively leaves their body. Still, their stare held no weight compared to the fluffy mount of heaven melting on your tongue. The best soft serve you've had by far. You nurse the tip, wanting to savor the treat-

"Keeping going."

But you haven't the time for such pleasantries. Sweeping the cream to the back of your mouth with your tongue, the cone's quickly disappears pass your lips. The ice cream drips and dribbles down your chin, creating suction between the pause you take between licks. Your coworker focuses intensely on the sneaks of the pink muscle lapping at the dessert, practically crushing their hands with their thighs. That foam hanging from their maw bubblish vigorously and glows a haunting blue as they hiss through their teeth. The machine begins to shake.

"Stick it out...."

You stick your tongue out, padding a little too hard against the cone. What's left of the scoop breaks off and runs down the back of your hand, caught by your mouth before it could hit the floor. You shutter as some misses and goes down your shirt. Your coworker doesn't have the dignity to try hiding the moan rippling through their worn throat. Their head rolls back as does their eyes, fog trailing into the air as they claw at their neck. The machine's lights flicker rapidly between red and green, melted ice cream overflowing the edge of the table and onto the floor disbursing through the pipes in thick, fluid streams.

"Yes- you absolute tease. I've waited to see this for so long. Always leaving right when things get good. You don't know how happy I get seeing you every during your breaks. You always look so upset, but then- you come to me..."

You force swallow the ice cream in your mouth, fighting the the ache traveling from jaw to your brain. You briefly tongue the crater left in the cone forgetting about your company momentarily. Realization snapping back, you bite around the shell and shovel it in your mouth once it able. Everything was sticky. Your face, hands, upper chest and mostly uniform.

Your coworker hops off the machine, making quick work of shoving your fingers in their mouth. The cavity and their tongue was wet and slick, but in a way it felt like putting your hand in a cooler with some kind of frozen serpant lying in wait. They clean your fingers in earnest, getting through each nook and even beneath your nails. Doing the same with your opposite, they finally suckle on the collar of your shirt as if to clean it just the same. Their teeth ghost a mark over your skin. You shove them off you.

"That's enough."

"For now." Your coworker surprises you with one more lick scoring the sticky mess staining your cheek. The tip of their tongue manages to hit your lips. With that same domestic flare, they grab the tail end of your apron and use it to wipe up the remaining slick, smiling as if they'd be waiting for you to come home from your busy life all day.

"I hope we see each other again soon. I mean we will, but maybe next time I'll put on something more... comfort. Take care, gorgeous."

Your coworker winks - wandering off towards the back with one lingering smile. They blow a kiss as their body dips behind the door.

"Hey, Y/n did you get the machine fixed?"

Your pants legs sag turning in the flood below. "When you think about it do we really need ice cream?"

[enter-the-phantom]

Okay, sit down, Tumblr. Let me get on my soapbox for a moment.

I want to talk about Windows95Man and Henri Piispanen and why we should all be applauding them. And no, this isn’t another “crown the pantsless Finn” shitpost.

I know I joke about my love for these two a lot, and I’ve kind of become the Windows95Man guy this week, but with all the drama and chaos going on, they really do deserve recognition for what they did. And I’m so dead serious about that. There is a reason I adore this stupid act so goddamn much.

This competition was a shitshow and was very stressful, for the performers as well as the audience. It was tense and hostile, and even when our favorites for the win were performing, we could never really relax because we wanted so badly for them to beat the team that should not have been there and that was turning this into a nightmare for everyone involved. We were so scared of the points and the voting at every turn, wondering if the EBU was going to pull another stunt. It was miserable even when our favorites did well. And we are all heartbroken for Joost. It was a disgrace and it wasn’t fun.

Now. “No Rules!” was the joke entry and it never stood a chance in hell and everyone knew it. I guarantee you they knew it and they never expected to get this far. But for a few minutes, everyone got to forget about the cruelty and the politics and the unfair treatment and the harassment, and just watch a crazy dude run around pantsless on stage. We got to be consumed by pure, unbridled joy and happiness for a few minutes, together, because this entry wasn’t a threat to anyone’s win and never set out to be. They did not come here to win—according to Teemu himself, they came to spread a few moments of joy to a world and an audience that desperately needed it. That is all they came to do. And that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

It is such a deeply moving and wonderful thing to watch people laughing together with the people they hated only moments ago. The way the crowd roared when that stupid denim egg opened was a truly emotional moment in a way I can’t quite express. No matter what flag they were waving, everyone in that audience was singing along and cheering on these two madmen, united in the sheer hilarity and chaos of those few minutes. When that man’s shorts descended from the rafters and he lit those sparklers, we weren’t crying for Joost or worrying about the final outcome or panicking. We were laughing, and we were laughing together. Laughter is healing and it’s unifying. And it may have been only a few moments in a week that was bitter and stressful for all involved, but that is worth something to unite people in such a way.

According to all sources, the Finnish team was nothing but kind and warm to everyone and did exactly what they set out to do. They can go home with their heads held high knowing they made people smile. I have so much deep respect for these two and their team for being the joy and fun this competition was so sorely missing. They never lost that spark and that drive to make people happy, because that was their only goal. And it’s probably melodramatic because I’m a performer myself. But they are my heroes for it. And I mean that with all the sincerity I have.

With all the drama and the horrible things happening in this organisation and the world at large, I just don’t want us to forget two of the unsung heroes just because their entry was never a real contender. They deserve better than that, because they more than succeeded in what they came out here to do.

All the love and all the applause in the world to Teemu Keisteri and Henri Piispanen, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. 🇫🇮❤️👖

[marciliedonato]

Don't ask:

- a man, his salary

- A woman, her age

- And a tumblrina (gn) who they voted for in the nge/moomin poll....

[worldstarz]

shinjiro defends your honor against stupei

pairing: shinjiro aragaki x fem!reader (sees member)

summary: your leader wants to show you a video of the stone-cold shinjiro aragaki getting into a debate with junpei over ranking the girls. he gets very passionate over you.

tags: kinda shitpost ; feat. junpei + protag ; not proofread ; spoiler-free ; mutual pining

notes: just got to october 4th! wrote this to cope! i am not okay! also protag is called leader bc im not looking up his name to avoid spoilers. i’ll edit when i finish the game !!

———

“so if you press this button, the footage should start playing,” the leader points to the console, directing you on how to play the recordings. other than for meetings and before missions, you’ve never been in the command room before. hell, you didn’t even know there were cameras in the building until now.

the specific recording your leader wanted to show you is labeled ‘september 23 - lounge’. as you press the play button, the lights of the command room dim down as the video begins to play on the screen.

———

as expected, the recording shows the first floor lounge. shinjiro and junpei sit on the same couch, but at different ends.

“so, aragaki-senpai, what’s your ranking of all the girls in the building?” junpei leans back, hands behind his head. there is a considerable amount of distance between them, both physically and interpersonally, and junpei decided talking about the ladies is the best way to bridge that distance.

“why would i care?” shinjiro scoffs, his crossed arms not helping the already-tense air.

“oh, come on! with so many beautiful ladies here, you’ve gotta have a ranking by now! like, who’d you rather be alone in a room with? or see in a bikini?” junpei begins listing off the girls in an attempt to convince shinjiro to dig deep into his thoughts and desires. “there’s kirijo-senpai, with that air of elegance and maturity; yuka-tan, a pretty chick very popular among guys our age; fuuka, an all-around cutie; [name], who is… hm…” he didn’t even reach aigis before running out of adjectives. trying to think over his very limited dictionary, he briefly hesitates.

shinjiro visibly perks up upon hearing the last name listed. noticing this, junpei exaggerates his struggle to think.

“hm… what is there about [name]…” junpei rubs his chin, staring at his senpai as his face morphs from an expression of indifference to one of annoyance.

“you’re kidding me, right?” aragaki scowls, sitting up slightly. “you seriously can’t think of anything for [name]?”

“well, she’s just… eh…” junpei trails off. “i wouldn’t rank her very high.”

“i know you’re a moron, but i didn’t know you could be this much of a dumbass,” he leans forward. without even raising his voice, the simple action caused an air of intimidation around him that could be felt even through the screen. “the hell do you mean ‘you wouldn’t rank her very high’? are you fucking blind?”

“nonono, man, she’s attractive-“ junpei frantically tries to explain himself, backtracking on his original plan of getting a reaction out of shinjiro because finding out his senpai’s type was not worth getting his ass beat. but, aragaki continues.

“don’t tell me you’d rank her lower than a goddamn robot!” this was possibly the most passionate he’s ever been, and it was over a casual conversation of ranking the girls in their dormitory building. “she better be in at LEAST your top three or i’m mopping the floors with your ass.”

“no, dude, she’s in my top three, i swear!” junpei’s attempts at damage control were getting more desperate. “she’s probably number one!”

“…number one?” aragaki repeats, as the two sit in a heavy silence for a moment. “you don’t deserve to have her in your number one spot,” he mutters.

“…what?”

“i SAID you don’t DESERVE to have her in your number one spot!!”

“OKAY THEN SHE’S NUMBER TWO!!!” junpei raises his hands up in an act of surrender. “she’s second! [name] is second!”

———

“…”

unable to listen to anymore, you hurriedly hit the pause button. you feel hot, and as the lights turn back on, you make a futile attempt to cover your burning face with your hands.

your leader clears his throat. “so, should i set you two up on a date, or-“

“no!” you exclaim, cutting him off with a wide-eyed expression on your face. “no! no.” you calm yourself down with a deep breath, trying not to imitate junpei’s desperation shown in the video. trying to collect yourself, you add, “that won’t be necessary. shinjiro didn’t even say his own ranking, so all of that probably could have meant nothing. absolutely nothing. right.”

“i mean, if you finish watching-“

once again burying your face into your hands, you yell into your palms to cut him off. a typical response from a teenage girl finding out her crush laid his pride on the line to advocate for her attractiveness.

the leader, ignoring your wishes, presses the play button.

———

“where would you put [name] then?” junpei asks, his signature shit-eating grin on his face. the video seems to have skipped ahead, as evidenced by junpei being much more calm than earlier.

shinjiro hesitates.

the quality is a bit fuzzy, but you can see junpei having a perplexed expression as he leans in to get a better look at shinjiro’s face, who turns his head away.

“are you…” junpei squints, then his eyes widen in surprise. “are you blushing??”

“the hell? no way i am!” shinjiro turns his body away.

“oh man, you should’ve just said you like her!” junpei grins, trying to be a supportive bro!

“i-i don’t even think of her like that! just lay it off!”

“so, what about her, huh?” his excitement shows in his voice. “she’s pretty cute and all. oh, those eyes are gorgeous-“

“i said lay it off!” shinjiro exclaims, and junpei jumps.

“ok man, ok! that’s my bad!” junpei backs up, and the awkward silence returns once more. without saying a word, shinjiro gets up and leaves.

———

at this point, you’ve sat down. the leader turns around to look at you, your face buried into a pillow. your ears are practically glowing red.

“my offer earlier about setting you two up still stands-“ he begins, but as you did before, you cut him off.

“shut up!!!!” you scream into the pillow, kicking your feet. you lift your face from the pillow to meet his gaze.

he can’t help but laugh. “should i get yukari? she probably knows more.”

admitting defeat, you nod.

[innuendostudios]

by a wide margin the weirdest video essay I've ever release: List of Songs that Represent "Smart Music" Ranked from Most to Least Appropriate to Put in a Video Essay

this video is sponsored by Nebula, where you can watch ad-free and (sometimes, slightly) better edited versions of my videos for 40% off an annual subscription. just follow this link.

as a quick note: YouTube has already demonetized this video, as two different corporations are claiming copyright on recordings they do not own the copyright to - both are Creative Commons recordings of public domain music, that, in one case, YouTube has misidentified as a different recording, and, in the other, YouTube has the music in its database as under copyright despite it being having been released under CC BY-SA 3.0. I am disputing these false claims and will (hopefully) get whatever money I am owed, but, for now, YouTube is not paying me a dime for this.

so it would be a bigger help than usual if you would either watch the video on Nebula or back me on Patreon.

thanks. transcript below the cut!

List of Songs That Represent “Smart Music” Ranked From Most To Least Appropriate To Put In A Video Essay (And Presented In Drill Bit Order).

1. Clair de Lune, Debussy

This has been top dog ever since the teaser for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, and cemented its position against challengers with a showcase in Everything Everywhere All at Once. Said film could have been the shark-jumping moment where the song was irretrievably lost to irony, given directors Kwan and Scheinert (Daniels)’s style mercilessly marries the aesthetics of prestige and shitpost. Yes, despite its silliness, EEAAO is achingly sincere, but could the general public be trusted to recognize that? But then it won Best Picture, so apparently yes! Beautiful, delicate, to score a film or video with Clair de Lune signals a desire to be seen not only as an intellectual, but as an aesthete. The song could lose potency if the Clair de Lune sequence were parodied enough, but how does one parody EEAAO???

9. Gymnopedie No. 1, Satie

I fear we must, as a society, and as a community of video essayists, move on from Gymnopedie No. 1. It held the title longer than, I think, any champion previous, and for that it deserves merit. But its time is over. It is, like the phrase “mad dated,” mad dated. It is saying “lmao” out loud. Did you know the original screenplay for 2005 film The Island specifically stated that, in the weird culty enclave in which the film opens, Gymnopedie No. 1 must be playing over the loudspeaker? I don’t think Michael Bay followed that directive (I’m not rewatching the movie to find out), but that is how long this was the “Smart Music” song - since 5 months after YouTube launched. If you must - absolutely must - put Satie in a video essay, use Gnossienne No. 1, though it too is on its way to passe. At this point I’m prepared to say Vexations or GTFO.

2. Ave Maria, Schubert/Liszt

Nothing was certain after Satie vacated the throne, and for a while it seemed we might have a Starks vs. Baratheons situation between Schubert and Debussy. Following several appearances in pretentious YouTube videos, the Ave Maria made its strongest showing yet by scoring the opening scene of the grimdarkest Batman film so far, an entire twenty days before getting fully Lannister’d by Everything Everywhere All at Once. Unbowed, unbent, and unbroken, still she nips at the heels of the king, and may yet take his place. No one else poses a comparable threat. Hers is a curious strategy, being a religious, Christmas, and even classic Disney standard now repurposed as “Smart Music;” she gets a big boost every December, but can she take the top spot before this cyclical exposure nudges her back into a prior niche?

8. Moonlight Sonata, Beethoven

If you were in a film program in the mid-2000s, you are sick to death of Moonlight Sonata. Also if you were in a music class where you were asked to determine a song’s time signature by ear - how am I supposed to tell the difference between waltz time and 4/4 with all triplets without the sheet music in front of me? To say scoring a video with Moonlight Sonata is a hack move - you’d have to be a hack to not already know! This was the soundtrack to the blind cave salamander level of Earthworm Jim 2, there’s no coming back from that! I mean, the association with Tallarico Studios alone… It’s done. Roll over, Beethoven.

3. Cello Suite No. 1 (Prelude), Bach

This one is firmly-rooted. It is not going anywhere, both in the sense that nothing could soon push it off the list but it’s hard to imagine rising any higher. It is just slightly too beautiful, too expressive, too legato to fall into the stiffness of Habanera or the pomposity of a De Beers ad, but just close enough to them in tone to always read as a hipper alternative. So you’ll never be overexposed, but never go that long without hearing the Yo-Yo Ma version. And so here it stays, third on the podium, solid bronze, the waterbender, the Plup; with you as always is Prelude to Cello Suite No. 1. (Frankly surprised it took us this long to get to Johann, but don’t worry - he’ll be Bach.)

7. Air on the G String, Bach/Wilhelmj

Told ya. It’s not that she isn’t a beautiful piece of music, and it’s not that she already had her time. In truth, she never got her flowers. Inasmuch as she had a run, it was squished between the omnipresences of Beethoven and Satie. You’ll still hear from her now and then; she crops up, like a lucky penny. And you’ll smile, every time, but you know the stars in your eyes are not present joy, but nostalgia. A fondness for what was and what could’ve been - what should have been. Why - why couldn’t this have had the legs of Gymnopedie? I mean, even the Fucking Champs version - could that have made a run? Could TikTok pick up on it? But comes the day you have to accept - if it was gonna happen, it would’ve happened by now. Air on the G String grows weary; let her rest.

4. Duo des Fleurs, Delibes

Bit of a dark horse, this one. Didn’t exactly come out of nowhere - it’s been here the whole time - but you didn’t see it coming! It’s like that time I went snorkeling, and I wondered, “Where are the fish?” I was told there would be tropical fish, but all I saw was blue. Then I caught one flitting by my head and, as soon my eyes registered the shape, I realized they were everywhere! I just hadn’t taken them in. This is the one that makes you ask, where did I hear that before? Was this the one at the end of Margaret? No! How did it go? How do I hum dyads? But then it shows up and, oh yeah, that’s the one! The really pretty one. I knew it’d come around again. Has staying power, could make a run for the top if it sees an opening, but seemingly content, for now, to dance around the periphery, appreciated when heard if only half-remembered the next day.

6. Prelude in E Minor Op. 28 No. 4, Chopin

The bottom end of acceptability. Anything lower, you must avoid. But you can use Prelude in E. It is a risk, and it takes skill. But you can use Prelude in E. It is not for the faint of heart. This is the ending of Fez we’re talking about here. This is that one TED Talk about how everyone loves classical music they just don’t know it yet. This was all over Anatomy of a Fall. Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer something lighter? Nocturne in E-flat [Op. 9 No. 2] is very nice. Prelude has just enough penetration that some people are going to recognize it, and enough clout that those who do are going to expect things of the person who puts it in a video essay. You can’t just throw this under a rant about The Snyder Cut. But you can - with care, with effort, and with grace - use Prelude in E.

5. Spiegel im Spiegel, Part

We are not ready for Spiegel im Spiegel. The rare “Smart Music” that is, rather than classical, contemporary minimalist. This is - I have been led to believe - all over the film festival circuit. It is the go-to for aspiring arthouse directors. So I assume it is only a matter of time until it reaches general cultural awareness. But we - the YouTube video essay community - are not, at this point in time, pretentious enough to pull off Spiegel im Spiegel. This is not a statement on the song: it is a lovely, sparse, and unpretentious piece of music, which is why pretentious people are drawn to it. And we are not there yet. But I believe in us.

POSTSCRIPTUM

The List of Songs that Represent “Smart Music” is not ranked by quality; they are all, as a baseline, masterpieces. They are ordered, instead, by their possession of antipodal qualities. Beethoven’s Fifth may be a beautiful piece but it’s too well-known - to the casual listener, it reads only as “classical music.” Vltava is a beautiful piece, but it’s not recognizable enough - to most, it will read only as “music.” Pachelbel’s Canon works in too many contexts. Mozart’s Lacrimosa no longer works in any context but “Shit’s About To Go Off.” The Song that Represents “Smart Music” must balance these humors: suggestive, but not too specific; recognizable, but not overfamiliar. The kind of thing one imagines cultured people listen to, and fancies oneself cultured for having noticed it. Just popular enough to signify obscurity to a large number of people.

This impossibility of being both popular and obscure is what keeps the list in motion. Many songs drift back into obscurity before reaching the top, but, once in the primary position, a song begins its slow procession to overexposure. And when, at last, it is too popular to be niche, it does not slip to number 2; it plummets to the bottom, as did Icarus.

Due to this slow but constant movement, new songs will, at intervals, join the ranks, taking the place of those that became gauche. And if, dear listener, you were aiming to trendset, to score your next whatever-it-is-you-do with the newest Song to Represent “Smart Music,” and were I a gambling man… Bach’s Prelude in C. And I’ll tell you why: it appears in the Netflix series Bodies alongside Chopin (#6), mirroring Satie’s dual appearance in The Queen’s Gambit (#9); its arpeggiated structure makes it usable in scenarios similar to the Cello Suite (#3) (Johann did love him some broken chords); and it forms the basis of the Gounod version of Ave Maria, if you would like a Cool Person’s Alternative to Schubert (#2). You may feel I’m playing too safe, but I tell you truly: this song is due. But if I can impart one piece of wisdom let it be this: whatever you do, whoever you are, you cannot use Fur Elise. You cannot. You can’t do it. It can’t be allowed. Don’t fu-

[kaiju-krew]

Hey there! Firstly, big big fan of your art and headcanons, ty for your cool and awesome big brain ❤️ Now that you’ve seen the movie, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on Shimo??? I’ve just seen impressions of her so scattered. (I saw your post on how she will NOT be treated as a pet, and I so appreciate that.)

I will say, for me the ‘old gal’ vibes are so strong and I’m here for it. Like when Goji blasts his atomic breath into the sky at the end and she’s looking at it with such awe and her cute super gummy smile, it reminds me of when a grandma gets shown some common piece of technology that the rest of us are used to, but she just can’t heckin believe it because she lives in a damn cave??? I loved that.

hi hi! omg u think i have a big brain...... compliment of the century.... i must have ppl fooled bcuz i am viscerally dumb most of the time

anywAYS. gxk spoilers below (and a lot of ranting)

shimo my beloved💙 i appreciate most interpretations of her, besides people who are just straight up caling her a dog. and like, not in the way i’d compare goji to a cat? for me it's more mannerisms based, so for goji my main expression/mannerism inspirations are cats, wolves, and komodo dragons (obviously), and for mosu it's owls and cats, with a crumb of horses because of their 'ear' communication so i use that with her antennae.

sorry for tangent but anyways. i dont need someone barking at me that i call goji a cat/draw him acting like a cat so calling shimo ‘kong’s pet dog’ is fine. i think its the difference between goji having the personality i characterize him with + mannerisms inspired by other animals, vs. him having no personality besides Being A Cat. like, he’s a dumbfuck but he’s clearly an intelligent creature capable of communication and understanding. i make a lot of shitposts but truly in my personal hc i’d never reduce him to ‘pet level intelligence’

i think i’m extra touchy about people calling her ‘kong’s pet’ because like. dawg. did you watch the movie? she was JUST freed from being skar’s slave/beast of burden/abused pet whatever you wanna call it. why would you want her to become another creature’s pet again?(obviously minus the abuse) idk mannn it just feels…. reductive somehow. she clearly shows intelligence and understanding when she realizes what’s happening during the fight and helps to kill skar. i just refuse to reduce her entire character to kong’s pet status bcuz that makes me uncomfortable asf.

as a disclaimer, you’re welcome to have whatever hc you enjoy. me expressing my personal thoughts on the matter isn’t an attack on anyone who characterizes her that way, i’m just not interested in engaging with it in the slightest.

DOUBLE ANYWAYS i just needed to get that outta my system. TIME FOR CUTE FUN IDEAS YAHOOO

i’m seeing mixed info about her age so idk where she actually sits there?? i remember seeing something like she’s the First Titan but i also think the novelization of the movie said she’s only 3 million years old?? when im p sure they’ve said goji is 250+ million years old so…. i have no clue there lol. personally she feels less jaded and grumpy than goji does to me so my brain automatically sees her as similar or younger bcuz of my Grumpy Old Man bias.

i’m still workin out my ideas for her but based on how the movie ends i like to think she helps kong with relocating the apes to a better home, and they mostly live in HE. her n kong venture up for surface dates bcuz she gets what she fucking deserves 💙

goji nearly has an aneurysm the first time they come up, since mosu literally takes them for a lil tour of monster island. bro standing there clenching his fist like the arthur meme, he begrudgingly knows she’s right and eventually he gets used to it

i got more ideas cookin for her but this post is already too damn long cuz of my ranting time to stfu

SHIMO BEST GIRL 10/10

[twilighttrekkie]

‼️Warning: Spooky Month Spoilers Ahead!!!‼️

just watched the new spooky month episode and. wow. i'm so normal (lie) i cannot wait for the next episode aaaaaaaaaaa

ahem. anyways. the part with the priest asking where skid's father was and skid looking so crestfallen and the part with pump asking "but if they love me, then why're they never here?" had me bawling /lh waaaaa skid and pump are so sweet, they don't deserve to feel so sad 😭😭😭😭 ANYWAYS. I AM EXCEEDINGLY NORMAL ABOUT KEVIN AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT HE GETS AN ACTUAL FRIEND TO WORK WITH. Here take my Kevin and Radford screenshot collection because they're incredibly pfp-able AND THEIR EXPRESSIONS ARE SO FUN HERE.

OK CAN WE (and by we i mean me) TAKE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT THE ANIMATION FOR A SECOND. BECAUSE HOLY SHIT. IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER!! IT STARTED OFF AS ALREADY GOOD IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT, BUT NOW IT LOOKS COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL, INCREDIBLY FUN, AND CERTAIN SEQUENCES ARE STRAIGHT UP BREATHTAKING.

ALSO MOLOCH AND EYES COMING BACK??? LIKE HELLO?????? THERE'S SO MANY CALLBACKS IN THIS ONE, LIKE SKID AND PUMP LIGHTING THAT HAPPY FELLA ON FIRE IN THE STORE, DEXTER BEING MENTIONED, THE CULT REAPPEARING, OH AND CAN I JUST SAY THE SEQUENCE WHERE MOLOCH POSSESSED ALL THOSE DIFFERENT PEOPLE WAS SICK. THE DESIGNS WERE ALL REALLY FREAKY IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE, SHOUT OUT TO WHOEVER MADE THOSE DESIGNS!!!

admittedly i kinda wish we got to know more concretely whether streber is actually dead or not, but i completely understand putting it off to build suspense. that's literally my only criticism of the episode rn lmao and even then it's more of a personal curiosity thing than something i actually have against the episode

10/10 episode: much like every other spooky month episode i've had the pleasure of seeing as it came out instead of years afterwards, it has permanently changed my brain chemistry 🔥 guys if you're spooky month fans pleaseee go watch the episode. and if you have no idea what this show is, go check it out, it's completely free to watch on youtube!!! it starts off very shitpost-y, but quickly gets very dark (while still keeping the humor that made the first 2 entries special!! Spoky Month evolves more and more with each episode, but never loses its roots, which is something I really enjoy).