#YES the disorder DEVELOPS because of extreme trauma in early childhood | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sysmedsaresexist · 2 years ago

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I’ve been asked for some sources and I’m happy to provide! Thank you, friendo, for your patience <3 Getting things done in a timely matter is hard when you have 12 sets of priorities.

1) Are comfort splits normal? Yes! This is a PDF, careful if you’re on phone, but I’ll highlight the important bit. This is a bit of an older paper by Kluft about dealing directly with alters in therapy, and it discusses, “DID patients who are extremely avoidant, obsessive, or without strong nondissociative defenses are prone to develop larger numbers of alters. For the group without strong nondissociative defenses, dissociation is not a last-ditch defense--it is their first response to stress... [They] imaginatively transform their histories to conform to myths, movies, television shows, or pieces of literature and generate large numbers of alters to play roles in them.” When he says “large numbers” we’re not only talking about polyfragmented systems (he wrote other papers specifically about that). In this case he’s talking about a feedback loop in patients with low dissociative barriers-- forming one alter and then another to support that alter, and then another to support that one, and on and on. It’s in reference to ease in which some people gain alters, especially from media that they are interested in.

From Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

From The Haunted Self:

2) Do 'most systems discover themselves at 18-21'? This one is a little bit of a... confusing topic and it’s currently changing at an ever-increasing rate. The ability to recognize symptoms in oneself has become much easier with current media and the internet at our fingertips. This figure it based on the community currently in the clinical population. For decades, it’s been possible for those with DID to go their entire lives without ever realizing they even had a dissociative disorder, let alone alters. This is based on the very nature of DID, confusing presenting symptoms, and on the lack of resources available to older individuals at the time they experienced onset.

While alters can appear at any age, we’re talking about the self-realization of symptoms. The below states that self-discovery would occur around early twenties. [x]

Only five percent of people display overt symptoms, or clear symptoms of specifically DID. Instead, they display an array of symptoms indicative of several different disorders. From childhood, these symptoms can put someone on the path of treatment and diagnosis for something entirely different, and symptoms are explained away under another label. For example, shifting identity states, needs, and wants can also be seen in BPD, and it can take years before those states are acknowledged by either patient or clinician as alters.

Prior to the internet and easily accessible support groups online, patients were often left to figure it out themselves, and the lack of recognition and awareness of DID left many questioning their experiences for years. 18 is typically when adolescents leave the house for the first time. This removal from their traumatic environment allows someone to start exploring their experiences in a safer way, often leading to the first indication that something more serious might be happening.

This is also typically when heavily regimented schedules change, and a person gains more social freedom. From this, potential instances of amnesia and alters are often pointed out by friends and more easily recognized. For example, someone in their last year of highschool might be asked, "how was school today?" and without hesitation will answer, "it was fine, the usual," despite the fact that they don't actually remember their day. This is an example of "amnesia for amnesia". Because grade school and highschool is a daily occurrence with a relatively unchanging schedule (ie, math in the morning, SS in the afternoon, gym after lunch, and history last) that moves at a slow pace, losing a single day or memory is very likely to go unnoticed.

In contrast, college typically has one class only once or twice a week for a longer period of time and the pace of learning is much quicker. Losing a day of memory here would be much more easily noticed. Freedom to go out with friends at any time allows for more opportunities for people to notice shifts in personality, and there's more social outings that could be forgotten.

3) 'alters can form from stress, not just trauma'? See the first quote in point 1 as a highlight of this. In addition, stress and childhood trauma are intrinsically related [x]. Childhood trauma often leaves someone with a lifelong vulnerability to stress, and their ability to handle that stress is significantly impaired. This can lead to worsening symptoms and a reliance on negative coping mechanisms (such as dissociation). [x] This means that once the mechanisms are there, some people can split at literally the smallest inconveniences. The mind is also notoriously good at hiding how stressed you are, so you may not even realize that you're stressed at all [x] [x] [x].

4) children don't display distinct alters?

From the DSM 5

ICD 11

ISSTD Children Treatment guidelines (PDF)

I like this section from Healing the Fractured Child on what it could look like.

I've heard one of my posts is causing waves

Here's some more things that are normal in DID/OSDD systems, and some weird myths, in no particular order

- Not realizing you're a system until later is normal (average age of system discovery is 18-21)

- It's rare for children to display distinct alters (not impossible, just a rare occurrence in a rare disorder (based on numbers, it's considered rare, yes), alters tend to form in mid-teens)

- Feeling as though you "created" an alter is normal (related to unconscious feelings of control over an uncontrollable situation, and/or tricking yourself into an explanation, also, if you have a need to be filled, the brain WILL provide)

- "mixed origin systems" are totally normal for DID/OSDD. I have a couple alters that could be considered "endogenic", but I'm really just... DID, with normal alters forming in normal ways

- Alters forming at any age/time is normal (you can form a brand new alter at fifty, after having undergone complete fusion, once the ability is there, it's always possible to split)

- Alters don't always appear immediately after a traumatic event (alters can take YEARS to come to front after forming, making it impossible to tie them to specific events unless THEY'RE aware of the connection)

- Alters can form from stress, not just trauma (and the brain is notoriously good at hiding how stressed you are from yourself)

- Comfort splits ARE normal in DID/OSDD

- The amnesia criteria in DID doesn't mean you need to experience amnesia day-to-day, you still have DID if you can't remember childhood events but have good communication now

- The dysfunction criteria is redundant and circular, where the symptoms themselves fulfill the criteria, and as per the DSM, doesn't imply any inherent need for treatment or distress-- so being happy, loving your system, feeling like your system helps you more than it hinders you, all normal (and good!) but still DID/OSDD

- OSDD 1a does not involve alters as they're known, but states or modes that influence you, and amnesia occurs during these periods of influence; OSDD 1b involves "emotional amnesia" only (which is just a stupid, fancy word for dissociation (an emotional disconnect from a memory) that doesn't actually exist in the medical world)

- You can have as many EPs and ANPs as you'd like. The majority of systems with OSDD feel as though the one ANP theory doesn't fit them, and there have recently been updates to theories to acknowledge this

- Integration is the lowering of dissociative barriers to allow for better communication between system members, and is absolutely necessary for functional multiplicity (fusion is the joining of two or more alters). These definitions come from the ISSTD, and it IS recognized by the ISSTD that integration and functional multiplicity are viable and attainable treatment goals. Keep this in mind when conversations about these topics come up-- if you can communicate clearly with alters, you're already well integrated. It's not scary, it's not bad, and no one can or will make you fuse.

- CPTSD, the basis of dissociative disorders and DID, presents very differently from PTSD -- mostly presenting as a negative view of the self and vigilance rather than the flashbacks and nightmares you'd see in PTSD (it's quite similar to BPD, but the view of the self is negative rather than unstable). If you resonate with some aspects of BPD and have a system, and you don't experience the "typical" presentation of PTSD, that's normal. That's CPTSD (complex PTSD, not chronic PTSD), maybe read up on it.

- You don't need to know your trauma to acknowledge that you have DID/OSDD, and no one should be pushing that you search for trauma. Who cares, move at your own pace, maybe you'll never figure it out, and that's perfectly fine. People who push others about their trauma will face my wrath.

- Trauma isn't an action, but a REACTION to an event. What traumatizes one person, may not have any effect on another person, and vice versa. This isn't about what might have happened to you, but how you felt about it. There is no Trauma Olympics, and people who play that way are ridiculous. Trauma reactions are personal and unique, and come from anything-- bullying, isolation and loneliness, abuse. And yes, other disorders can make you more susceptible to trauma reactions. Having autism or ADHD or BPD, EDs, psychosis, schizophrenia-- all of these create more opportunities for trauma reactions, and make someone more susceptible. That doesn't mean you're not trauma based. It doesn't mean those things caused your system. It means those things made it harder for you to navigate life and left you more susceptible to trauma. That's it.

- MADD is typically trauma based

There's so, so many more. Other DID/OSDD systems, feel free to add on, endogenic systems, ask if something is normal.

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mysticmoon02 · 3 years ago

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Can you talk more about bpd & delusions & psychosis?

Ofc yes!

When stressed, people with borderline personality disorder may develop psychotic-like symptoms. They experience a distortion of their perceptions or beliefs rather than a distinct break with reality. Especially in close relationships, they tend to misinterpret or amplify what other people feel about them. For example, they may assume a friend or family member is having extremely hateful feelings toward them, when the person may be only mildly annoyed or angry.

psychotic features in borderline personality disorder. patients with BPD about 20–50% report psychotic symptoms. People with BPD. Can have both auditory Hallucinations and delusional ideation (especially paranoid delusions). It can be similar to those in patients with psychotic disorders in terms of phenomenology, emotional impact, and their persistence over time. Childhood trauma can play an important role in the development of psychotic symptoms in patients with BPD, as in other factors as well.Psychotic symptoms, especially hallucinations, seem to be an important feature of BPD. These feelings of suspiciousness and paranoia may last for just a few days, a few weeks. Stress-related paranoid ideation is the term chosen by mental health professionals to describe this state of mind, which can cause great misery and consternation among people with borderline personality disorder.

Psychotic symptoms in patients with BPD can broadly be divided into perceptual abnormalities and paranoid ideation, but there is currently no consensus on the phenomenology and severity of these experiences. Both clinical concepts and current diagnostic systems fail to provide a framework for understanding these phenomena. This is a huge obstacle on the way to valid definitions. Like for instance the only BPD criteria in the DSM-IV related to psychotic symptoms is stress related paranoia ideation.

The criteria doesnt account for other common symptoms like hallucinations or long lasting paranoid episodes. Psychotic symptoms, especially hallucinations, are highly prevalent in patients with BPD. Recent studies suggest that hallucinations in BPD are similar to those in patients with psychotic disorders, but their emotional impact seems to be even stronger in patients with BPD. the high prevalence of childhood trauma in patients with BPD and the relationships between childhood trauma and psychotic symptoms in other diagnostic groups, early life stress should receive more attention as a potential cause of psychotic symptoms in patients with BPD.

people with BPD may see signs and symbols of hostile intent everywhere. They may detect hidden meanings in speech, body language, casual glances, and other behaviors that would seem non-threatening or perfectly benign to anyone else. In some instances, their paranoia may center on remote, impersonal forces, like the government or big corporations, that they fear may be spying on or plotting to exploit them. Unlike people with delusional disorders, men and women experiencing stress-related paranoid ideation are not convinced they have absolute proof that such conspiracies are real. But their fears are powerful, persistent, and difficult to overcome. Once the stress and anxiety that provokes such feelings is relieved, the person with BPD experiencing paranoid ideation may regain their normal perceptions. But if the source of the stress is chronic and related to enduring life circumstance, their stress-related paranoia may continue indefinitely, at which point treatment may be their only option.

I hope this is enough information for you! I had to do some research myself because I didnt want to misinterpret anything. As someone myself who struggles with bpd its definitely nice to learn more about my disorder and how it affects so much other people.

#bpd #actuallyborderline #actuallybpd #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalhealth #recovery #ask

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whack-a-moron · 3 years ago

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Have you genuinely ever met a person diagnosed with NPD? Or an autistic person/neurodivergent person? Because I’m 100% wholeheartedly curious on if you’re satirical or not, I genuinely can’t tell as an autistic person. My boyfriend has NPD, and has had extensive therapy and reflects on his actions and is a healthy, loving partner. I’m more unempathetic than him, learned empathy is just as good as inherent empathy. Not everyone with NPD is abusive, and calling it narcissistic abuse is harmful because we don’t refer to any other personality disorders with abuse labels. These are people who developed a personality disorder due to childhood trauma who need help, and while their actions cannot be excused, they can be explained. It’s also harmful to use slurs towards neurodivergent individuals, and doesn’t help get your point across. You seem very hurt by something, especially with how aggressive your responses are. I hope you at least learn to not throw the r-word around, I’m sure it hurt more than just me who read it. I hope less people tell you to kill yourself, that’s not okay in any situation.

You seem to be coming at me in good faith so I'll answer you in good faith.

"Have you genuinely ever met a person diagnosed with NPD?"

Yes. More than once.

"Or an autistic person/neurodivergent person?"

Also yes. Also more than once. Also very, very close friends to some.

"My boyfriend has NPD, and has had extensive therapy and reflects on his actions and is a healthy, loving partner."

Good for him then (genuine). He would be an exception, not the rule. Regardless, some individuals who NPD who have learned better and worked on themselves exist, they are just - very, very obviously - the statistical minority.

They are also not the idiots swarming my inbox or notifications telling me to kill myself because I said something they don’t like, despite how much they want to preach otherwise and swear from the rooftops they’re “better now”.

The data is extremely clear that most narcissistic people don't change and don't benefit from therapy because they don't want to. Some will claim to change of course or put on a performance that they're changed and things will be better going forward - its something known in psychology as Future Faking. A professional who actually knows what they’re doing and has experience with NPD/narcissistic individuals will know this, and will often catch it, but there are a lot who aren’t qualified and even the ones who are are sometimes fooled.

I'm also going to go out on a limb and assume that your boyfriend was diagnosed at a younger age and got treatment at a younger age (younger than 25, 30 at the latest).

If so, and I'm guessing that's the case, there's a reason for that. A person's psychological functioning is a lot more fluid and adaptive below a certain age, easier to "re-wire" your brain essentially. A person can be diagnosed with a personality disorder and get treatment to where they basically no longer have that disorder or enact its symptoms (or can catch themselves in them) if its caught and treated early enough. It takes time and hard work but its doable - provided the person in question wants the treatment. People who are older? Like 30+? Well, good luck. Its not impossible but its far harder and more unlikely because of how brain pathing works on a physical level.

Also something that is less discussed is that there are some disorders that mimic NPD/narcissism but aren't.

C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) is one of those disorders that can look like narcissism/NPD but actually isn't, and the difference is really, really hard to spot for a lot of people. There are more people than you'd think who are misdiagnosed as "narcissistic" who actually have C-PTSD because the disorder is still ill understood and undergoing study as a relatively new "category" of mental health.

I'm not anyone's doctor so I can't say for sure either way, but I'm willing to bet that at least more than a few of the people going around claiming to have NPD from trauma but "don't fit the stigma" are being improperly diagnosed (if they were even diagnosed by a doctor at all lol There are a LOOOOOT of people who want to self-diagnose on this site to be "quirky") and actually have C-PTSD.

"Not everyone with NPD is abusive"

A lot of them are. Hence why exploitation/harm of other people is literally in the diagnostic criteria.

"calling it narcissistic abuse is harmful because we don’t refer to any other personality disorders with abuse labels."

And there are several reasons for that.

The most obvious being that NPD, as well as Antisocial Personality Disorder/psychopathy, are the only disorders specifically characterized as "having no or little respect towards other people or remorse for hurting them".

Narcissistic personalities have a blown up perception of themselves and an excessive desire for attention and admiration. Individuals with this disorder have a false sense of entitlement and little respect for other people's feelings. They are oversensitive to criticism and often blame others for their failures. Prone to outbursts of anger and irritability, the narcissistic personality tends to be manipulative in interspersonal relationships.

Individuals with antisocial/psychopathic personality disorder are known to be manipulative, irresponsible, and have a history of legal difficulties. They show little respect for the rights of others and feel no remorse for their actions. They also leave a trail of unfulfilled promises and broken hearts.

When people pull the “You don’t call it ADHD abuse!” or “You don’t call it OCD abuse!”, that is an absolutely retarded argument because “exploiting and abusing other people without remorse” isn’t literally in the required diagnostic material for having those disorders in the first place.

Its also because of how language works, which is a discussion I’ve already had on this blog. “Alcohol abuse” for instance implies and is understood that a person is consuming too much alcohol. “ADHD abuse” doesn’t work because of what I’ve already said but because with how language works it would imply the person with ADHD is being abused, not that they are the abuser. Its clunky and unclear.

Its a simple matter that “narcissistic abuse” complies with English structure without needing to be clarified into “abuse by a narcissistic person” or “abuse by a person with narcissism” to be understood.

“These are people who developed a personality disorder due to childhood trauma who need help,”

False, actually.

Not all narcissists were abused and treated horribly. Not all narcissists or types of narcissism are the same, and they don’t behave/present the same. There are types of narcissism that develop in normal settings, without abuse or trauma present. These just usually tend to be the low-grade types of narcissists who are more annoying rather than the big scary ones who do things like beat the shit out of you or kill your dog.

It also assumes that everyone who is abused will develop a personality disorder, when that’s clearly not the case. Its like when people go around claiming someone is only a criminal because they’re poor, despite the vast majority of poor people aren’t criminals and don’t commit crimes. There is a biological component at play.

I don’t disagree they need help. But again, the data is pretty damn clear most won’t seek it and most who do won’t benefit from it because they’re put into therapy by a 3rd party because of the damage they’ve done to other people (be it family, friends, court order, etc) rather than by their own willingness to want to change.

Self-awareness also isn’t always a good thing with narcissists, because more often than not it implies they know their actions hurt and they just don’t care, which is the common theme.

“and while their actions cannot be excused, they can be explained.”

Cool. Explain away. I’m still not going to stop calling people out for abuse.

If you’re an asshole, you deserve to be called an asshole.

“It’s also harmful to use slurs towards neurodivergent individuals”

Lol. Except I don’t. I just use it for screechy internet idiots who could have actively chosen any other path in life such as using the block button or ignoring opinions they don’t like but instead decided the sane, logical, and well-adjusted response is to tell people they don’t agree with to die.

I’ve known lots of neurodivergent friends. They all know better. All of them are quite frankly blatantly insulted by the “but I’m neurodivergent!” excuse instead of owning their harmful behavior.

“I’m neurodivergent!” isn’t an excuse to be an intolerable cunt and at that point you’re a retard by choice and I’ll call you as such. Retard isn’t a thing you’re born with in my corner of the world, its a thing you actively choose to be because you can’t be bothered with self-accountability. Ironically, that’s a pretty prominent narcissistic trait.

“You seem very hurt by something, especially with how aggressive your responses are.“

Nah, I just have opinions some people hate and I match energy for energy because why not.

Come at me as a screechy internet asshole, I have no reason to be polite to you. Abusive dickheads don’t deserve respect.

#narcissism #narcissistic abuse #npd #narcissistic personality disorder #antisocial personality disorder

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hotfroglegs · 3 years ago

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Toxic positivity

Selectively pro science

Anti child

It’s ptsd avoided via appropriation

The #ActuallyAutistic “community” :

The #ActuallyAutistic “community” by large is populated with netizens who have developed an online culture leaking ever more poisonously IRL. As someone who has been medically scientifically studied in childhood in the 90s as part of genetic research on autism, thus part of the actual autistic community for longer than it seems any of the members of #ActuallyAutistic I feel qualified to clap back on the hypocrisy that defines this movement. As someone with high functioning ASD and severe CPTSD (o no! I’m ableist to myself by recognizing my level of disability according to the #ActuallyAutistic!) and after YEARS of talking about the #ActuallyAutistic phenomenon as it emerged with professional therapists, doctors, scientists, etc. I’m here to let it be known that the #ActuallyAutistic by large seem more accurately to be suffering from undiagnosed CPTSD that they have misdiagnosed themselves as part of ASD instead. Pathologizing one’s own disordered behaviors and quirked personality with autism is a relief because it more easily explains the sensory phenomenae of living in near constant dissociation states than the complexity of CPTSD while also rendering those dissociative states as inherent and natural, just things to be accepted rather than something to work on which is hugely alleviating to any sense of personality responsibility in healing what is ultimately early life abandonment trauma.

The #ActuallyAutistic “community” by large is anti child. Again, another leftist stance to take is the child free stance. Children are generally just unruly and gross according to these people (not totally wrong lol) and to be kept in family homes- the public is NO place for kids and people should only be part of society after sexually matured. They proudly admit “I hate kids” whenever given the chance and often go on completely unprovoked tirades about “Stop pressuring me to have kids!” in settings where no one has done such a thing. Yet at any opportunity of seeing a parent even ask the most sincere and innocent advice on helping their severely autistic child from literally hurting themselves and others, the popular clap back I’ve read literally hundreds of times is “Just admit you hate your kid” and I’ve seen MANY of you do that exact thing. This is a projection whose root I will ultimately address soon enough!

Yes autistic people need more accommodations and that’s what the #ActuallyAutistic want which those suffering from CPTSD were so starved of from their parents. The attempt to illuminate any differential labels of severity of disability on the spectrum, therefore obliterating the very concept of what a spectrum is in order to appropriate it, is an attempt to say “*I*/“every autistic person” needs as much accommodations as any other autistic person”!! (I DO NOT need the accomodations my sister does and that’s just a fact. To claim that I do not being ableist against myself is absurd but there’s more logic manipulation (famously a disqualifying behavior for ASD diagnosis dismissed as another “gatekeeping” tactic) - by dismissing any disability as a part of someone’s undeniably more severe autistic experience as a “comorbidity” (a grave misuse of this medical term altogether) serves an attempt to simultaneously redefine and redirect any and all already extremely scant accommodations for autistic individuals from those who can’t even speak for themselves as part of their autism or what they call “comorbidities”. They have already, mostly via rallying through the social media of “The Neurodivergent Rebel”, successfully diverted funds from some organizations already with these ideas all while berating parents of severely disabled autistic children as being ableist and actively hating their children by seeking any accommodations or supports. This apparent rampant collective narcissistic manipulation from the adult self diagnosed #ActuallyAutistic “community” by large is in itself flagrantly symptomatic of the CPTSD that is very likely truly under all this, most poignantly highlighted by the hatred of parents. I’ve read thousands of individual comments under the actual hashtag #ActuallyAutistic from people who have recently self diagnosed that “my parents abused me because I’m autistic” even tho they admittedly had no diagnosis in childhood. They look back and recognize that they were abused but it’s much easier to blame The Autism they have mistaken from their CPTSD symptoms; this is because the core of the guilt and shame from such deep abandonment is still self blame, so blaming a condition rather than the self helps hold the parents more responsible while also rendering the self irresponsible too from the huge lifelong work of trauma recovery. No wonder they get mad at the notion of anyone suffering from disability due to autism- no wonder to them it is their “superpower” because it has rescued them in these ways from dealing with any dissociative narcissistic tendencies as a result of CPTSD full on consciously. I have spent several years now working with professionals on this subject via my own experience with both diagnoses to my name and I’ve sat on my hands quite long enough on this. I could write a book on the subject and professional therapists (one of which who was working on her PhD told me “you really out to share my doctorate degree”) have encouraged me to do as much. Another irl example of the Dunning-Kruger effect I reckon.

#ActuallyAutistic #autism awareness #CPTSD #disability #cultural appropriation #narcissim #trauma recovery

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blitheringmcgonagall · 4 years ago

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I'm not sure did you get this ask from me already but I just read your headcanon of Sirius developing psychotic and the links to trauma and i wondered could you explain.but is it actually true? seems genius for canon if yes

Hi anon, I’m so happy to answer this and sorry if it’s taken me a while! In We Can Be Heroes (SPOILERS IF YOU ARE READING IT!) my canon marauders fic, I headcanon Sirius as developing some psychotic symptoms towards the end of the First Wizarding War. I am going to answer this in detail because it is important, in case anyone finds themselves with any of these symptoms.

The answer to your question is yes! Multiple cognitive and biological models have been proposed to explain the relationship of childhood trauma to psychosis.

To explain this:

Psychotic symptoms like hearing voices, are relatively common and don’t necessarily mean you are mentally unwell. Auditory hallucinations (hearing things when nothing is there) are common in teenagers i.e. 7-12%. But as you get older, they are more likely to be associated with a mental illness.

A psychotic episode is much less common, and causes you to completely lose touch with reality. If you are psychotic you generally (not always) experience symptoms in 3 areas:

Hallucinations - i.e. someone sees, hears, smells, tastes or feels things that do not exist outside their mind.

Delusions - where a person has an unshakeable belief in something untrue, e.g. a person with persecutory delusions may believe an individual or organisation is making plans to hurt or kill them.

Difficulties thinking - e.g. cannot concentrate, unable to think clearly, other people may not understand what they are trying to say.

Having a history of early trauma almost triples the risk for psychotic experiences:

The role of interpersonal trauma, specifically, may be to predispose to a "paranoid" world view. The experience of early trauma can lead to negative beliefs about the self, world, and others such as "I am vulnerable," "Others can't be trusted," and "the world is dangerous." These kinds of beliefs have been shown to be associated with psychosis.

Early chronic stress associated with childhood trauma such as neglect or abuse also causes chronic exposure in the developing brain to stress hormones which causes changes in the expression of certain proteins in your genes (called epigenetic changes) and specifically affect dopamine and glutamate (brain chemicals) nerve pathways in the brain, which are associated with the development of psychosis.

Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between infant and parent/caregiver, which then becomes the basis of future social, emotional, and cognitive development. Disorganized attachment, which is the most unhealthy attachment style, occurs when an attachment figure offers inconsistent emotional support and/or abuse. The small child learns that the attachment figure (who they love and who is responsible for their safety) is also someone to be feared. They are in a horrible situation.

Later, especially in romantic relationships, people with this style of attachment often feel fear and anxiety when forming intimate relationships and suffer from a very low self esteem and extremely damaging self-talk. They pull away, see signs of rejection where none exists. They act in ways that protect themselves from rejection and pain. Their often erratic behavior — like being overly trusting then suddenly suspicious, or being happily responsive then withdrawing at a moment's notice - can be very hard on a partner, and may cause them to walk away.

There is some research on the types of voices heard by people with a history of early trauma - the voices sound malevolent, all-powerful etc (makes total sense)

Exposure to war is also a risk factor for psychosis (makes perfect sense).

So, to come back to Sirius - he has the history of childhood trauma, you don’t run away forever from a loving family (in my and many people’s headcanons, emotional abuse and physical abuse), he is at war, he starts to develop some psychotic symptoms. He is starting to believe Remus is the spy (paranoid delusions) but doesn’t fully believe it. He is at high risk of developing a full-blown psychotic illness.

PS both cannabis use in teenage years and childhood trauma are significantly associated with risk of psychosis. However, the presence of both childhood trauma and early cannabis use significantly increased the risk for psychotic symptoms beyond the risk posed by either risk factor alone, so please be extra careful if you have a history of early trauma and want to use cannabis!!!

And btw, people with disorganised attachment are at much, much higher risk of developing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Personally I also headcanon Sirius as having features of BPD. I also headcanon Remus as having similar difficulties (emotionally) to children who live with chronic, painful illnesses.

If anyone is interested, I can do a spiel about these too?

(Poor anon, WTF...)

#headcanons #sirius black headcanons #psychological development #early trauma #psychosis #war #marauders headcanons #lol poor anon had no clue i was going to go on forever about this #we can be heroes #marauders fic

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yomiurinikei · 4 years ago

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Do you have any takes on Utsuro? Can be headcanons or general thoughts... I like hearing what people have to say about him.

here!! a mix of both. check out my utsuro tag bc - i have some posts u may like feat. possible utsuro development in a post abt kinjomae + a post with what i think his childhood was like!!! also a reminder that these are all just my takes and 90% of the time i've discussed them before and i'm not including all i've said on this subject in this post, also i have pretty solid reasons as to why u shouldn't repost/vague me based off this post in one of my extra pages :D

so for some more thoughts on him, feat. no i am not self projecting!

1) utsuro 🤝 hibiki

both are shown in two extremely different states of mind with different personalities and amnesia between the two identities, feat. one being unaware of the others existence, and a change in identity can be caused when one identity is reminded of a traumatic memory,,,

i'm not saying utsuro with did but utsuro with did rights

2) yea the did thing is probably bc all i do is go "actually this character has did but still - utsuro probably has some sort of dissociative disorder/condition

at the very least, he has some sort of issue with chronic dissociation, if we stick with all canon explanations, possibly depersonalization/derealization disorder? this would explain how generally detached and unresponsive he is.

akane: hey utsuro i know we're both in a really bad place emotionally/mentally but i really need some form of help/comfort rn if u can

utsuro, literally Not Here™️: .........huh...

akane: wow thanks <3

3) or utsuro to really like. get redeemed, beyond general redemption needs/in order to get to a place mentally where he can make those steps for redemption, he's really gonna need therapy, and i feel like if he had gotten that help, he actually really could've grown

utsuro was just another traumatized, suicidal teen who somehow got manipulated into working for junko. it doesn't excuse what he's done, but it does mean he has more of a shot at redemption. he mistreated akane, yes, but isn't that a result of his general emotional detachment? and since his emotional detachment was a result of trauma, it's really just that utsuro was too traumatized to help her emotionally.

akane was searching for support in a person who helped her, but he wasn't able to provide it. it's neither of their faults, and akane was clearly damaged by that + utsuro likely was too. i don't wanna go full on analysis here, but if anyone sends in another ask, i,, kinda want to. anyways - utsuro shouldn't be held at fault for not offering emotional support he never said he could provide. he should be held accountable for his actions, and encouraged to grow and change. what he needs in order to do that is therapy, and a support system that isn't there for him bc of his luck, but because they care about him.

anyways! i have more thoughts but i'm just gonna go do some headcanons now!

~*~

•really likes dogs. he doesn't mind any animal, but especially likes dogs. would do really well with a service one - theyre vv grounding to him

•"are you there god? it's me, god" -utsuro, the one time he tries turning to religion to cope

•has probably accidentally inspired a cult

•he's got very obscure book knowledge??

•used to just. sit in libraries and read everything he could bc his luck wouldn't just magically make him predict the ending if he didn't want it to, so he'd just keep showing up at the same library until he'd read every book they had

•also. a lot of libraries are probably vv nice for a homeless kid, even if utsuro does have a divine luck, it's just a place that's available to him even without his luck, so he could pretend to b normal

•the result tho: he read all the classics that are carried in most libraries very early on.

•!! utsuro also likes choose ur own adventure games for a similar reason

•in the real world, he'll automatically get whatever goal they're working towards, the person he's crushing on will like him back, etc

•but in games? his luck can't change the code, he actually has to work and be sure he makes the right decision for everyone, which is nice

•he does Not understand how all of these people he accidentally helps keep finishing him

•like he finds forums that's just tons of people talking abt miracles happening to them and seeing utsuro and he's just "???"

•he hears abt someone saying he saved them from a burning orphanage and he's vv confused because "oh... i.... might remember that??? like being in some building,,, i think i was meant to stay the night there and it caught on fire maybe?????? but 90% of it collapsed, only the area i was in didnt crumble, i think i would've noticed someone else there"

•also. who just decided to talk abt seeing a ten year old kid when some terrible misfortune was narrowly avoided and how did it turn into a thing. like who was reading that story and went "oh i went through something just like that!!"

•he is very confused and doesn't remember 60% of what's being brought up here, and the other 35% he only vaguely thinks might've happened

•utsuro exits the forum page, goes off along his day, and then just forgets all about it.

#dra #sdra2 #utsuro #headcanons #analysis #hey guess who was dissociating when writing the first two of the takes #certainly. not me

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jademight · 4 years ago

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What does it *feel* like for Bruce, sharing space with another consciousness? Does he feel like the Hulk is a part of him that has been separated/exacerbated, or does he feel like an entirely separate entity within Bruce?

Character development time! Give me some interesting questions about my character and I will answer.

This is a great question and I’m going to split it into three chunks. One, what Bruce thinks about the Hulk, and two, what Hulk is in relation to Bruce and three, how it Feels on a given day.

Massive wall of text below lmfao.

So Bruce’s views on the Hulk and their relationship changes and varies extremely over the years, so I’m going to break this into yearly chunks.

PART ONE: BANNER V HULK.

The First Two Years- Early Days and On The Run

So, in the early days, Bruce’s views on the Hulk are....really not kind. For the first two years, really up until the end of The Incredible Hulk movie, Bruce considers Hulk a foreign entity. A monster that was unleashed in the wake of the Gamma Bomb, a genie that Bruce had to actively work on keeping in the bottle. Bruce was genuinely afraid of the Hulk and did all he could to not cause a trigger. Only after being told of Hulk’s interactions with Betty and his discovery that he can ‘aim’ the Hulk, he started to somewhat see It in a different light.

Yes, It, because for a while Bruce didn’t consider the Hulk an individual.

Year Three - Avengers Days

So this is the period of time when Bruce really starts to make a concentrated effort at trying to understand the Hulk and what it-- he is. He starts to key into the fact that Hulk isn’t an entirely foreign entity, and that there is a deeper connection between the two of them. There is a part of him that suspects the DID diagnosis deep down, but he absolutely denies it and goes to the conclusion of ‘Hm, maybe it was a buried part of my subconsciousness, the Freudian ID to my Ego.’

So while Bruce no longer sees the Hulk as an altogether foreign entity, he still feels like he is merely a fragment, base thoughts and desires given green form. Something that can be kept at an arm’s length but still something he’d rather avoid. ( Hence, his aversion to Code Green.)

Year Four. - Planet Hulk

This is when shit gets complicated.

So Hulk gets sucked up through the portal and ends up in Sakaar. Initially he is still operating on survival instincts, fronting for days on end so Bruce doesn’t get hurt. But then days become weeks, weeks become months. And Hulk starts...having a kind of a life there. A life where he is not seen as The Green Monster but rather someone people cheer on, and he really likes that. So he shuts Bruce out, on purpose. Bruce, in the aftermath of AoU and being forced to go on a rampage, is emotionally shut down, so he doesn’t put up much of a ‘fight’, as it were. And as a result Hulk remains Hulked out for a whole year until Thor comes and manages to switch him back to Banner. (In my canon it’s not a recording of Nat but probably a recording or a picture of Betty or something along those lines.)

However, once Bruce comes to and realizes what has happened, he can no longer deny that Hulk is a person wholly his own and not merely a fragment. After Sakaar, Bruce has to admit to himself that he has some form of an identity disorder.

Year Five - Just A Man and his Green Friend

They get back on Earth, and at this point Hulk is no longer operating on childlike survival instincts, he is fully cognizant and has a full vocabulary. Both of them have a somewhat contentious relationship because Bruce is back to being afraid and apprehensive of the Hulk, so he’d rather avoid a full transformation. But he now recognizes Hulk is not a Thing he can ignore now, so they are attempting to communicate and reach some form of common ground.

PART TWO: WHAT IS A HULK ANYWAY?

Though Bruce tried his best to deny it, Hulk is absolutely a separate individual within Bruce’s mind. He was ‘created’, as you will, during Bruce’s childhood, when his young brain couldn’t handle the verbal and physical abuse at the hands of Brian and function as a normal kid so his brain created a separate individual who could endure the blows, someone who could take in all of Bruce’s rage and anger and fear and hold onto it for him. Once Brian was institutionalized and was no longer a factor in Bruce’s mind, this personality went dormant.

Until the Gamma Bomb.

So up until the Avengers, a.k.a. when Bruce made the conscious effort to ‘reach out’ to the Hulk, every time he surfaced, he existed within the moment of trauma, of being caught up in all the anger and fear and thus living in a state of perpetual Fight or Flight. This is why the Hulk we see in the early days have the vocabulary of a child and exists purely on instinctual reactions. Once he gets to Sakaar and he has the opportunity to calm down and exist outside the moment of trauma, the actual personality buried underneath all the emotions start to come out, and he becomes more verbal and has a more extensive vocabulary. (It’s not babyfied like Ragnarok, but he nevertheless likes to stick to short and to the point sentences). He is still a being of emotion and will revert back to that anger and rage when sufficiently distressed, but he is more cognizant overall.

I do want to make a point to say that even though Hulk can be really annoyed by Bruce and his attitude towards him, he is ultimately there to protect Bruce from harm and be the Caring Grown Up figure he never had. But there is also that push and pull of wanting to have his own life but also being part of Bruce and sharing the body. So it’s a complicated issue they have to get through. (Is integration into one cohesive mind possible? Sure, but they have a LOT of work to do before they can get anywhere near it. And whether or not they want to integrate into one mind is a different question entirely. The fact that Endagme did all this off-screen pisses me off to no end.)

Another point I want to make is comics delve into Bruce’s DID way more than I am. There is a massive sprawling system of alters within comic Bruce’s system (Joe Fixit Hulk is the Teenager Bruce never got to be, Savage / Childish Hulk is the repressed rage, Devil Hulk is the Protective Father etc. There are literally hundreds of Hulk alters.) I am very much compositing Savage Hulk and Devil Hulk into one figure and making him the only alter in the system for convenience’s sake and to make Hulk a more defined character rather than the mess of trauma and psychological issues that he is in the comics. (Of all the alters Joe has the most probability of making it to the blog eventually but not anytime soon.)

PART THREE - WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

The analogy I’ve grown attached to is the imagery of a door. All the abuse Bruce endured and the memories and the pain got put inside The Room Behind That Door, and Hulk was inside keeping it all locked in. The door was always there, but beyond Bruce’s ‘gaze’. When the Gamma Bomb went off, the door became ajar and Hulk was out. In the first two years, when Bruce has not much of an understanding of the Hulk, he feels like a ticking time bomb, like a dynamite with its fuse lit that’s going to go off at any moment. In year three, once he has more of an understanding, he starts becoming more cognizant of the proverbial door and starts getting more of a ‘feel’ of it, like a subtle pressure at the base of his skull. Year Four, the roles are reversed and Bruce is the one locked behind the door, but Hulk is fully cognizant of the fact and is actively keeping it locked until he Can’t. Year Five, aka the Current Status Quo, Bruce feels the Hulk as that pressure at the back of his skull that intensifies if he is feeling some kind of way. Sometimes, more often than not really, he will see the Hulk as his reflection instead of his ‘own’ face. They are also becoming more prone to ‘talking’ in the Inner World should they need to communicate, but Hulk usually prefers to give Bruce a ‘sense’ rather than a full blown conversation.

God this has been a wall of text I hope this makes sense and answers the question lmao.

#beckybxrnes #; I've got so many questions ( ask )#gosh this is SUCH a good question thank you so much #; the mind can go in a thousand directions. with each step the wind blows. with each step a flower blooms. ( headcanon. )#; this shaking keeps me steady I should know. what falls away is always and is near. I wake to sleep and take my waking slow. ( about. )#this got LONG #I have a lot of scattered thoughts about it so this really helped pool it all in one place

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freudsghost · 5 years ago

Text

I’m not sure how much personal stuff I want to share on this blog but venting about some stuff helps me process.

So in light of EB 224 I wanna share a bit about what it was like growing up in the south/bible-belt (Texas) and being who I am (a bisexual, Jewish woman) and my experience with Evangelical Christianity and CRU.

Forewarning: this is not a happy story. these are not glory days. it’s dark. trigger warnings for gas-lighting, manipulation, mental, physical, and emotional abuse, corrective/date rape and semi-forced/coerced marriage, dissociation, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and alcohol. Read at your own risk.

I grew up without much religious influence in my life, my dad wasn’t Jewish (he was agnostic) and my mom is Jewish but not overly concerned with religious beliefs. My grandparents were/are Jewish as well and were WAY more involved in religion, but having survived the holocaust were private about their culture/religion.

At 17 I was accepted on a full scholarship to Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. And if there’s one thing Lubbock is known for is being one of the most religious cities in Texas. Predominantly Evangelical Christian.

My first semester, I lived in the women’s architecture honors dorm and quickly made friends with most of the other girls, one in particular I became fast friends with and we studied for almost every test together and were studio partners for almost every project. I’m still friends with her almost 20 years later (its been rough and complicated) so, to protect our friendship and privacy I’ll just call her Mandy.

Mandy was from a small town up north and her father was an Evangelical pastor and her first priority when getting to uni was to find a bible study group. I was NOT in any way involved in that, because I had no interest in christianity. Some time during Spring semester she started leading her own bible study group and invited me to come with her. I knew she was possibly trying to convert me and I resisted. At 18 I wasn’t very good at confronting people on their motivations but I’ve since talked with her about this and we’ve moved passed it with minimal damage.

I was super focused on my school work and sports and she stopped bringing up the bible study. For a while...

That all changed when she brought a few male friends back to the dorms for a calculus study group before midterms. During the study session I really hit it off with one of the guys. He was a year ahead of me, super smart and I thought he was charming and cute. And it turns out he was the leader of Mandy’s bible study. I’ll call him Vick.

Mandy knew I had a bit of a crush on him and got me to finally come to her bible study, with promises she wasn’t trying to push her beliefs on me but just wanted me to get to know Vick.

She also said that their group was welcoming to people of other faiths and were open to other perspectives and wanted me to talk about being Jewish and The Torah. Which was weird, being put into a group where no one else was like me and I was the token Jewish person, having to represent everyone from a large diverse culture. I tried to explain I wasn’t the right person to do that but she insisted it would be fine because I was charismatic and outgoing.

I should also mention that at this point of my life I was extremely outgoing, I had been in many leadership roles and actively sought those things out. I was very comfortable in front of large crowds and at this point I still had the dream of being a musician.

Mandy knew this, and during her time visiting me over the summer asked me if I would be interested in joining the leadership team. I initially said no because I wasn’t at all interested in the religious aspect of their group, but thought that another leadership position would look good on my resume. So I reconsidered and talked with a couple of my long time friends who said I should go for it. It would put me on stage and I would possibly get to be musically creative. And of course I could always quit if I was uncomfortable.

And that’s how I, a bisexual Jewish woman, became the leader and emcee for the Texas Tech Branch of Campus Crusade for Christ, or TTUCRU.

During this time I had grown a lot closer with Vick. We talked on the phone all summer (yes this was before texting and iPhones) and when I returned for fall semester, we started to date. He was the perfect attentive boyfriend. He came across so charming and mature. He was romantic and sweet. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. By the time my birthday came around in December we were pretty serious about our relationship. I knew he was the kind of man I could fall in love with.

He was also extremely helpful when I had the new pressure to write and coordinate large meetings for a group of people I knew I had VERY LITTLE in common with. I knew I was bisexual. I knew I was Jewish. But most people didn’t know that about me and there was a bit of an unspoken rule that I NOT mention any of those things. Vick suggested I not tell anyone, and it was easy enough to not say anything. I had a good christian boyfriend, everyone assumed I was a straight christian girl. But the whole time I felt like I was being shoved back into the closet not only when I led the group, but every time I was around CRU members. Which was 24/7. CRU became my only social outlet. It consumed most of my free time. It was stressful.

Other things in my life began to suffer, at this time I was still a collegiate athlete (track and field), and I was majoring in not only one or two but three majors and an unnecessary minor and had to maintain above a 3.8 to keep my scholarship. I was constantly stressed, I started having issues with anxiety and didn’t know how to cope. I had a large public position on campus, because TTUCRU was The Organization to Follow for many students. I had to coordinate with other student organizations and get involved with student politics. I felt a constant weight on my shoulders not only to be a star athlete and student but I had to look The Part.

This is where things get really dark.

(I should mention before I continue that I also had a traumatic childhood. It’s a long story but to sum it up, my mom bullied me into an early eating disorder. She treated me (and my father and brother) poorly and abused us all mentally and abused me and my brother physically. It’s left me with a lot of unprocessed trauma I wasn’t even aware of until I was an adult.)

It also left me as an easy target to be manipulated.

I’m not really sure how to explain how it happened and I’m not sure I ever will be, but after a few months I realized that I was a powerless bystander in my relationship with Vick. I felt like something was wrong and that I had no control over my own life. I couldn’t pinpoint anything, and if I mentioned this feeling to anyone I was usually dismissed as being stressed. Everyone loved Vick. He had been CRU’s Most Eligible Bachelor. I was constantly reminded this by other members, that I should count myself lucky to have a man like him, no matter what.

Looking back its because I know that he was manipulating me. He was charming and could talk his way into and out of things without anyone even knowing he was doing it. He talked me into things I would have not normally done at that time. Including how serious our relationship was. I felt like big parts of me were becoming less and less important, things that had once been very important to who I was as a person were becoming less and less visible. Like I was losing myself entirely. He used our relationship and his ties to religion and used our membership in CRU to manipulate me. By the time I turned 21 our relationship was nearly inseparable from our positions on the leadership team. He controlled what I said during meetings, he controlled my speeches and my prompts. He had offered to organize all our media and sound.

I remember wanting to leave, but I knew if I mentioned it to Vick he would leave me and my identity had been so entangled with him, our relationship and CRU I knew I couldn’t. I was convinced I would be nothing without him, without CRU. There were always subtle reminders of this from the culture of the organization. How women are property. None of my accomplishments were ever my own, everything I did was because of Vick or because I was ‘given the opportunity’ by a man. I was also constantly criticized for my appearance. What I should and shouldn’t wear. The size of my jeans. Comments from full time coordinators about how my ass looked too fat. I looked pale and my hair wasn’t right. Vick enforced this. He encouraged me to lose weight and eat less. My already negative body image issues developed into a really unhealthy mindset about eating. I was determined to not be the girl who “gained the freshman 15″. And every time someone “Wow you look so great!” it felt amazing so I just kept not eating.

Somehow a headstrong outspoken rebellious teenager who didn’t give two fucks about other people’s opinions had changed into a 21 year old whose identity was entirely based on the validation and judgement I got from standing on the stage in an auditorium filled with strangers and people I had very little in common with. But all that started to break down right before finals the spring semester of my junior year.

I had moved into a house off campus and I was home alone with Vick keeping me company and we had been horsing around, playing with my dog and out of nowhere he snapped at me and rage I had only seen turned on other people was suddenly focused entirely on me. I still don’t know what sparked his rage and it doesn’t matter. All I know is that he grabbed me and shoved me, picked me up and threw me on the hard concrete floor. After months of treatment and several x-rays and MRIs, I found out that I had two herniated discs that had resulted in nerve damage causing chronic pain, migraines and muscle damage.

I had to quit playing almost all sports after this injury because between disordered eating, weight loss and this new injury I was trying to recover from I couldn’t physically handle the rigorous training. I also got put on some heavy opiates to deal with the pain and doctors at the time had no problem giving me prescription after prescription for heavier and heavier pain killers. Pain killers like Oxy and Vicodin left me in a pretty vulnerable state to be taken advantage of in many ways. Over spring break that year I went on a couples vacation with Vick where we were going to spend one weekend together hiking and meet up with friends to go sightseeing and to an amusement park.

(this part is extremely hard for me to recall both because of being drugged and traumatic processing) The Saturday we spent alone ended with us going to get drinks at a martini bar that was recommended to us by a friend. I don’t remember having too many drinks or having anything beyond one drink at all. I had purposely not taken any pain medication because I knew it could be dangerous. I heavily suspect Vick drugged my drink. All I can recall fuzzy memories of being carried to his car, being carried and half dragged into our room, and Vick roughly taking my clothes off me and holding me down to sexually assault me. I remember being scared and confused. I remember asking him what he was doing. And I remember saying no.

He did this after years of insisting to me that he was waiting for marriage to have sex. He enforced his belief system on our relationship, no questions allowed. I remember waking up Sunday morning the day we were going to meet our friends and feeling sick, sicker than I’d ever felt before in my life. I remember wanting to hide and not see anyone ever again. I shoved myself into the tightest darkest corner in our washroom and cried before calling one of my friends we were meeting with later to prepare her for the conversation I knew I needed to have with her.

She didn’t believe me.

No one did.

I was shocked and humiliated. People’s reactions ranged from “Vick wouldn’t do that he’s an upstanding member of CRU” to “You were asking for it by (drinking)(being on drugs)(being a tease)(dressing like that)(you consented by just being his girlfriend)”

I confronted him about it and told him that I knew what he did. He didn’t even try to deny it. He said he had been drinking and couldn’t control himself. I was certain it would be the end of our relationship. But in the storm of all of this, the two full time coordinators (two older adult men in their 40s/50s) of CRU called me in for a meeting mid-semester. They sat me down for lunch and fired me because they heard the rumors that I had been having premarital sex with Vick and they couldn’t allow someone like me lead their organization. They then used my sexuality and religion they had previously been aware of against me. They called me a whore and a heathen and dismissed me.

I felt alone. I couldn’t turn to my family because they’ve never been supportive. My boyfriend had just done something unthinkable to me and I couldn’t trust him anymore and most of my friends thought I was a liar or a whore. Rumors started. I got the most judgmental amounts of hate I’ve ever had in my entire life from people who had previously been my friends.

(somehow in the midst of all of that I managed to keep my grades up and not fail or drop out lol)

My friends told me if what I said was true, if I had sex with Vick the only right thing to do was to stay with him. They cherry picked bible verse after bible verse, a book I didn’t even believe in, to prove that I was trash unless I was committed to him. That I had to be his wife (property) forever. And Vick refused to leave me. Seeing him made me sick but after refusing to leave over and over again I gave in when he begged for us to go to couples counselling.

(spoiler alert: going to a therapist your rapist has hand picked with them, isn’t a good solution)

The ‘therapist’ was not-shockingly associated with CRU and the church Vick attended. He made it very clear what my role should be and that even if what I said happened, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t rape. It couldn’t be and that I needed to ‘process what it meant to be a good wife’ so I would be a proper woman for Vick. He used words like immature and selfish to describe my emotional upset.

I remember leaving our second and final session crying and angry. I went home and felt even more alone. I felt pathetic. Vick kept trying to salvage our relationship but he ‘warned’ me that time was running out because he was leaving for an internship over the summer and we wouldn’t see each other.

I was right. I had the whole summer to focus on me and getting into graduate school. I was writing my undergraduate dissertation and finishing up important studio classes to graduate a semester early that fall. I remember having this feeling that I needed to run away and wasn’t sure why. But I didn’t use any of my time alone to process what had really happened. I kept denying it. I was filled with so much self hatred, guilt, and shame.

When Vick came back in the Fall he proposed to me and laid it out like an ultimatum. I either had to marry him or we had to break up. He knew how scrambled my brain was, and used everything he could against me. He promised me that I wouldn’t have anything if I said no. I wouldn’t have him, I would loose all my friends that I was lucky to still have and no one would respect or want me ever again. I was terrified and stressed and still on and off pain medication. I had no support system and no support from my family and no real friends.

I remember going home with the ring and bawling my eyes out. I had a full on panic attack and cried for hours. My mom told me to ‘control myself’ because I was overreacting. She loved Vick and told me what a lucky girl i was to have such a good and supporting man in my life. Told me that I was a stupid girl if I said no. So I said yes. We were engaged for over a year and a half. I kept putting off the wedding and I let him plan it all with my mother.

Vick insisted we take time to go thru CRU recommended engagement counseling and seminar after seminar. I forced me to pray with him constantly. He said I needed to ask for forgiveness for what I had done. He started getting more and more jealous and would accuse me of “mentally cheating” if i looked too long at anyone. He would corner me and force me to confess my “adulterous” feelings. I remember believing him during this time. That looking at anyone, strangers or friends, men or women, was horrible and that I was betraying him if I had any thoughts about anyone else. I felt like a shell of a person. I gave up control over most of my life. I had given up trying to end things and decided to make the best of the inevitable.

I knew I didn’t love him. I knew I wasn’t a christian. I knew I didn’t believe in any of it. And I knew I couldn’t love him after what he did. And I knew before we got married he wasn’t the kind of man who could love me back.

We got married on my birthday and I remember crying for hours beforehand. I insisted I was just nervous and stressed. The only person who ever asked if it was what I really wanted was my dad. An untimely question seconds before I was getting married. I never answered him. I wanted to say no. I should’ve said no. I wished I had listened to the gut feeling telling me to run.

That’s where I’m ending my story because the rest is a bit inconsequential to what I wanted to vent about. I left him after eight months of marriage. I had to reach out to friends finally, despite the guilt and shame. I still deal with a lot of internalized bullshit to this day because of him and the brainwashing (I don’t have a better term, sorry) I got from CRU and his church.

As an aside, I just want to say that this is MY story. These are MY feelings and no one else’s. I know ‘not all christians’-- I have friends and family who are christians. But I wanted to share this because I needed to. For personal reasons. And I know there are tons of other stories out there.

If anyone has any questions or wants to DM me just to talk, feel free! I probably won’t be posting public replies or asks about this though. It’s still kind of hard to talk about publicly. <3

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brokenaishi-blog · 6 years ago

Text

timestamp (For the about and verse page)

Name: Ayano Aishi.

Age: 18

Height: 5'8

Weight: 168 pounds. (She has a dense frame. More on that below)

Gender: Trans female.

Eye color: Pink.

Personality: Thoughtful, cruel, cunning, smart, somewhat charismatic, sadistic in some instances albeit of conditioning rather than of sexual need. Incredibly sweet and loving to her loved ones. Puts on a face she think suits the situation for people she doesn’t care about or trust. (More on that below)

Looks: Pretty, cute but has a strong build.

Status: Recovering from trauma.

Overall the changes I present will be more morally gray leaning and occasionally messed up as a pathway for Ayano. This is challenging the Yandere approach and while still having Ayano as a Yandere? This is challenging the narrative and I understand completely what he’s intending for some features/backstory he’s revealed before asked about this. I did my research and re-watched a lot of videos in order to make accurate statements in response. I am not condemning the game utterly as I am fully accepting if the game turns around and does things in a different, more exceptional way, but I am fully willing to admit when it’s had some bumps as well. The game afterall: is still in development regardless of how the Dev is as a person, it is subject to change as this about is as well.

Things he’s missed the point of a Yandere:

Usually? Most popular Yanderes have a tragic event or childhood to cause such a drastic twist in mental stability and personality. EVEN SO much as addressing this as such and some popular Yanderes have gotten happy endings with everyone living or somehow reversed or it ends in tragedy in certain cases.

Yandere characters in the archetype generally as a rule DON’T WIN as their delusions and instability is toxic and usually end in their defeat or apprehension. This isn’t set in stone but overall an inevitably as that’s the main point of characters with the archetype: they’re harmful to themselves more than anyone else.

My Ayano never ‘wins’ her Senpai as he either ends up dead or she’s stopped by Megami and then rehabilitated by her in her main verse when Megami can’t sit idly by and see Ayano be far better than her mother in the need of help, Megami comes off far too morally righteous to allow that to happen. And then for her ‘bad end verses’, she’s confined to get help and her father spends the rest of his days in regret for not acting sooner. Her mother dies frequently however via execution after trial from what she’s done to Ayano, her father, along with her countless victims or is confined. Or she is simply killed by Ayano in her main verse after kidnapping a few ‘loose ends’. (More on that below)

Changes to her character’s interactions with others along with fluff info:

She will have some habits and customs from japanese culture. Her skirt will be at knee-length along with the other highschool girls for an actual dress code to a high standards school. Along with the changing of uniforms as? While I think he explained it, they still look far too middleschool for my tastes but the student council uniforms can mostly stay the same other than skirt length.

There will be no panty shots for Info-chan and instead she will be gathering information through various means and ways.

To go with the fanart and concepts that I’ve seen in canon videos and what not, I’ve decided to give Ayano the trait, Ocular albinism: meaning her eye color is pink.

Ayano unless in certain verses is less likely to murder as that makes zero sense as why she’d jump straight to that as Senpai wouldn’t love a murderer. Granted, she would use it as a last resort if there was no other option or time. However, she sees little to no reason why she shouldn’t murder or even torture actual ‘murderers’ in her eyes, or pedophiles along with others as in the worst of the worst.

In most scenarios with a physical confrontation or a forced one, Ayano will be keeping her identity a secret with a mask and beat up her target usually rather than outright killing them. Using intimidation, manipulation and cruelty in extreme circumstances to get what she wants.

Ayano is capable of becoming hyper fixated on other people once she gets over ‘Senpai’ in her recovering verse due to her disorders. Or the rp partner’s muse in question can outright be her Senpai.

Regarding my Ayano’s Ocular Albinism: aka why her eye color is pink. I never really specified her eye color exactly other than pink and how her emotions reflect it. So as you notice, you see blatant red on even my theme for her eyes and other artwork he’s made to have Ayano? And due to me liking the concept and explaining it as an extreme case of Ocular Albinism? I’ve further gone to say that while her eye color is pink? Depending on her emotions, such as getting angrier or feeling intense emotions of love? It can become darker shades of pink, even resembling a pinkish red. This actually happens in real life with our own eyes to a degree of becoming darker or lighter colors or sometimes partially different colors altogether depending on our moods, but Ayano’s being far more severe in pigment change. And because of ocular sensitivity? I’ve decided to give her protective contact lenses she wears over them as while she can go without them? It is uncomfortable on brighter days.

Changes to character’s mental state and addressing the ableist outlook placed upon her by the Dev.

Overall, while Yandere Syndrome is a fictional mental illness, Yandere Dev has confirmed she’s a ‘sociopath’ and a ‘psychopath’ whenever it’s convenient for him and the reasoning behind this is that even as a sociopath or psychopath, and there are actual ‘normal’ terms for that: as sociopath = anti social personality disorder. They’re literally JUST personality disorders that are often demonized and portrayed incorrectly and this game is no exception in that, look up the myths and do your research- these people can live happy lives if they get help either through self-help or third party to be more comfortable and happier. Regardless, morally righteous or not? The mental illness aspect of the game is poorly written and overall I don’t expect much out of his explanation why she has her ‘bizarre’ condition but also apparently actual conditions that are demonized by him. As using a fictional mental illness but also subtly demonizing existing ones and even incorporating them into your own character whilst having a fictional one? Like, make up your mind.

Literally you could have taken a ‘normal’ person and put them in the exact same scenario and they could’ve react the same way. As not to get political? But look at mass shootings and highschool murders and stabbing cases- perps more often than not are morally fucked rather than having anything MENTALLY ILL about them. So while I’m fully okay with her being mentally ill and explaining why she’s doing the things she does? You do not jump from point A to point Z. You go from A to B to C and so on. That’s poor writing otherwise for a character as I understand ‘a reflection of the player’ as a blank slate to project onto, but overall he basically admitted to giving up on the character’s personality and story, then contradicted himself in making her a backstory.

Moving onto Ayano’s backstory: ‘Doctors knew she wasn’t ‘normal’, her parents knew she wasn’t ‘normal’ and her father instead of helping her cope? Tried to make her normal and her mother did nothing to help. Her teachers did NOTHING to stop the bullying it seems when she was younger and overall forced herself to act ‘normal’ and is numb 24/7’. That is the biggest copout for a character, as she is shown to have emotions when it suits him but she’s emotionless apparently? This whole narrative creates an unintentional sympathetic outlook on Ayano.

Why?

Her parents failed her, her father kept trying for her to be normal instead of getting her actual help. Her mother PROBABLY made it worse as why does a Highschool Girl know how to torture and mentally break people and brainwash them into her mindslaves to kill themselves afterward? It was Ryoba’s doing for how I’m making it and that’s incredibly damaging mentally for a child. (More on that below) Her doctors KNEW something was wrong at an early age? And she’d never be normal and instead of getting her therapy? They did nothing. She was bullied and while she didn’t mind it? Her teachers did nothing.

Society failed to help the little girl known as Ayano Aishi.

Now moving onto my Ayano’s actual mental and personality disorders: she’s a sociopath, has extreme obsession issues and severe ingrained trauma with needs for violence or isolation for the people she ‘needs’. Has varying levels of mental stability and coherency depending on the circumstances and can become extremely unstable.

Ayano’s actual emotions and character will actually exist instead of a ‘blank slate’ which he later contradicted himself with his backstory video of Ayano Aishi and that actually GAVE a lot of unintentional depth to her as a character as- ok, well I see why she’s messed up now as being numb 24/7 even when she has shown actual emotions in genuine response in the game and in his cutscenes. So yes, my Ayano is an actual person and for her ‘recovering verse’ and even outside of it. And has BECOME numb from everything as? That whole ‘numb’ narrative could still be kept if it was explained better.

Her mother and father and how they interact with her differently.

Ryoba’s mother has been conditioning her since she was seven for murder, starting her on animals to begin with and eventually moving her onto actual people when she was around ten to torture, murder and make into mindslaves as practice as she was ‘just like her’- as literally there’s no explanation why she knows how to do this other than ‘she’s a monster’ and that’s the biggest cop-out ever and demonization of a mentally ill highschool girl. Ryoba keep in mind while thinking about this as why I have her do this: IS A CANON rapist. As? Kidnapping someone, and coercing them and conditioning them into sex is actual rape no matter how you want to explain it and if even he came to agree to it eventually. That’s? Sex under duress and that’s actual rape. I feel as though Ryoba is underutilized in Ayano’s backstory due to her history and how she is, as I do explain her ability to instantly kill people in some instances from the physical training she received throughout her life from her mother. As some weapons would require MASSIVE amounts of strength to kill someone instantly with, yet Ayano can with ease in some cases and knows where to stab and so on and so forth and how to fight. That’s why she has such a weight because her frame is so massively dense and yes, there are people like this who exist- she packs a lot of power in that body of hers.

Her father in summary? Is a traumatized victim of rape and kind of an idiot as he actually never bothered to get his daughter actual help. And I blame this on the higher stigma toward mental illnesses in Japan for flavor text albeit Yandere Dev being shortsighted in plot devices as a possibility.

My Ayano and her place in the school:

She is considered a relatively popular and well known girl in the school that’s part of the student council, known for being oddly helpful even outside of her student council duties. Though she is somewhat intimidating with her physique and intelligence to other students but is highly admired, her personality often disputed and argued about as she adapts it to the situation. Though most are unknowing to this other than Megami.

Ayano’s likes from her partner(s). She likes to be laid on while intense smooching ensues. Likes to be held or partially cradled while sitting in their lap, perhaps fully cradled if they’re strong enough for it. Likes to sit on their lap preferably while being held from behind around her waist. Likes to hug with her legs whenever she can whether being laid on for smooching or sitting in their lap in reverse so she’s facing them. It can be purely chaste most of the time in the gesture, but can lead into intimacy. Likes neck and collarbone kisses leading up to her lips. Likes being petted. Ayano favors feeling like she’s soft so that’s why she does or likes these things done to her.

Picture reference for Ayano’s body build:

Ayano’s religion.

Ayano’s religion is known as ‘Shinto’ it was the state religion of Japan until 1945 and is as ancient as the culture itself. I don’t know TOO much of the practices of Shinto as it involves rituals and offerings, along with other bits of my research obtaining a basic understanding. Which reminded me of appeasing the vengeful spirits/kami/demons in-game. Along with the fact that they come as more akin to Yokai and an Aragami (other than the Succubus which I later found out there’s a term for actually being: Akuma as a western demon) more than anything to me? All mechanically will or can be offered gifts, tasks, and sacrifices for great boons in-game. So while I’ll be using this to explain how she can communicate and ask for their services from great, and hard tasks given in exchange for massive boons: I will be using this as a baseline to explain that she is naturally connected spiritually and quite heavily, as the occult club constantly try to summon the supernatural, but fail to every single week in comparison to Ayano who can just put a knife into a skull and bam- she did it, she can talk to them (Which might be made harder later to do, but we’ll see. He hasn’t mentioned anything regarding the mechanic). Albeit I will not go too much into the Shinto religion regarding the Aragami, as I feel I wouldn’t be able to accurately represent it and I don’t wish to appropriate holy or sacred practices.

The ‘three demons’, aka the dismembered Aragami, the flame Yokai, and the western ‘demon’ that’s an Akuma and the ancient evil. All four of these will have extensive plot-lines and rp potential if someone wishes to utilize them in an rp or have Ayano delve into it. Note that her interactions with these beings overtime may be subject to change, but her religion regarding Shinto and family origins will NOT unless I am shown otherwise it’s satisfactory story-line in canon wise.

The Aragami.

The ‘demon’ or Aragami that demands dismemberment comes off to me as an Aragami, which is those who are killed without being shown gratitude for their sacrifice: will hold a great grudge after death and become powerful and evil Kami who seek revenge known as an ‘Aragami’. The great Kami is ultimately appeased and befriends Ayano, albeit its great power will not be used often as that comes off to me as blatantly disrespectful to her religion. And instead will only be utilized under dire circumstances.

The Yokai.

The Yokai, the ‘flame demon’ comes off as more a spiritual, supernatural monster rather than an Aragami with his speech. And instead will simply have been appeased through odd, quirky means as some Yokai often are. His powers while still used more often, will still be rarely used as the powers of the supernatural can be devastating.

The Akuma.

I’ve flavor texted the clear western demon as a ‘foreign exchange demon’ for humor purposes, but also more accurately being known as an ‘Akuma’ that through various means, has befriended Ayano. As there is a term for a literal western demon apparently and can function as another term for another demon? And she is a Succubus currently quite evidently so she’s an Akuma for now.

The ancient evil.

I’ve flavored texted this seemingly new feature that may be implemented as a great, evil and ancient Yokai that through various means has been soothed and appeased by Ayano and currently has never been used for a boon due to its great and terrible power.

You may be asking yourself at this point? Why would Ayano be religious? Why would she even remotely care about abusing the power of Yokai, Kami, or an Akuma for the sake of her own gain to easily obtain ‘Senpai’? Why would she care about ANY of what I’ve said above? Well, I will be explaining this now, using her family origins and adding a sense of greater depth and potentially a greater mystery into a redesign of the game.

Ayano’s family origins.

To explain Ayano’s upbringing, along with slight insight into Ryoba’s own motivations into why she conditioned her daughter in such an extreme way physically and mentally, along with teaching her holy practices: is that Ryoba’s family sect dates back to an ancient and dark time of Japan where human life was valued very little that followed the family line in traditions and practices up to Ayano’s bloodline that progressively got worse as time went on in mentality.

To explain what the Aishi family’s sect was like in the past: they were highly religious, traditional and information gatherers for their leaders, along with being torturers and breaking people mentally to subjugate and break their spirit after capturing them to obtain vital information, and that’s where the art first began and overtime became honed into why: Ayano, a Highschool Girl has the knowledge to turn people into literal mindslaves with almost zero to needed requirements stat wise. (He might change this later, but he has made ZERO mention to it as he has with other things, so for now? I doubt it)

Why have I made it this way?

Mainly to incorporate things from the game rather than being a simple club accessory into a more compelling story with a sense of mystery even though I basically laid it all out for you as to why she acts the way she does and her family- as it is just a concept but a concept that’s currently more fitting to me than the current iteration. And why she can do and engage in certain things, rather than use a ‘bizarre mental illness that also is seemingly actual ones’ as a plot device to explain certain mechanics, along with the fact of knowing how to properly utilize poison among other killing mechanics, granted you need certain stats before doing that? Ayano needs to have a reason WHY she would know to be able to jump from point A to B to C and so on with that logic.

As for story-line? While I made it that this is rooted in tradition can seem highly unlikely as actually possible: for there are traditions in this world that have been going on for generations. In fact, some of even the most popular plot-lines in popular Japanese anime have involved outdated or dogmatic practices and traditions as being something they need to overcome together as a whole.

All verses will be typed as exactly in bold to separate them from one another. Ultimately there is a canon verse to this blog, but it is up to you the player rper decide on kind of path you want Ayano on to interact with your muse.

Eyes on you.

Ayano is fixated on the muse she is rping with and sees them as her ‘Senpai’ or person she wants to be forever with by any means necessary. This can be countered with the muse knowing and helping Ayano through her condition. This tag is limited to no specific muse so long as they’re in her age range as she can even become fixated on her ‘rivals’ for how casual I’m willing to be with this. Do tell me if you want it to be AFTER she gets help, as Ayano will attempt to kidnap them prior to being abducted by Megami to get help when Megami can’t sit idly by any longer. Muse must be in 2-3 years within age range for this to apply or be considered.

Hugs on you.

A recovered Ayano can be a ‘yandere’ for her friends or made family. To give an idea of how this tag differs from the other one: she’s completely loving as she is in her romantic fixations, though her actions are completely chaste in intention.

Living again.

Ayano’s main verse is recovering from a lifetime of trauma and overall did not follow in her mother’s footsteps completely, taking a morally gray stance in eliminating her rivals, doing her best to not traumatize anyone but making them back off through intimidation and possibly violence with her identity masked or befriending them on accident in the goal for Senpai’s affection but also from her own sense of warped morals. Only resorting to murder with the worst of the worst and while she did a lot of bad? She also did a lot of good and saved people albeit in order to be with Senpai, never murdering anyone outside of what her mother conditioned her with privately and forced her into.

In this main verse: she is living with Megami after killing Ryoba to save her and a few of her other rivals that were considered ‘loose ends that knew too much by her’. Megami is the one who originally apprehended Ayano after piecing things together and unable to idly standby while Ayano was in need of help and needed to be stopped, rehabilitating her in the process with therapy and freeing her from that fixation she had on Senpai as she saw the good in Ayano from an outside perspective but also on a personal level. Note: the Megami I’m rping with can be romantically involved with Ayano if they desire, that is up to them or to assume a more familial relationship, helping her deal with the tragedy she endured and protecting her during the initial reveal and overall therapy Ayano needs.

Note: this verse can start at any point in time of the verse, even so much as the first day of back to school.

Masked.

The mask itself is hard to rip off and you’d practically have to hurt her in the process to forcibly remove it fully. But it resembles that of something faceless and can only be seen out of, but not into. Its pure white in design and the material is easily washed and disposable. She has a voice distorter while this is on that makes her sound further intimidating, though she mainly did this on purpose- as rather than sound robotic. It sounds multi-toned, calm, soothing and yet eerie.

No going back.

Ayano has resorted to murder of the innocent and also has no qualms about framing, or traumatizing anyone to get what she wants. This follows a ‘bad end’ route for the rp and will eventually result in Ayano apprehended by Megami and her forces and temporarily locked away for several years to get help with Megami’s intervention. With her mother imprisoned for extreme child abuse, murder, rape, and so on with possibly being put on death row? Ayano has to live with her actions for the rest of her life as Megami takes responsibility for her as I see her as the type of person to look at her father and just: ‘You’re bad at this, I’m taking over now’ with how morally righteous I see her as.

text

Interactions but online, as in if Ayano was using the internet on the actual website itself: tumblr. As there are a lot of canon interactions in the game on her phone? So it works as she will age in real time in this verse: she is currently only 17 right now.

tw (insert trigger here)

Exactly how it is. So tw blood, tw stalking and so on and it will be under a readmore anyway if it’s extreme violence and torture.

A Yokai’s scorn.

There are some muses that clash far too much with Ayano’s world to properly interact with her. So I’ve decided to give her a supernatural verse.

I’ve decided to make Ayano a mixture of immortal spirits for what kind of Japanese Spirit/Demon or ‘Yokai’ she’d be and I was leaning more towards spirits than anything.

Her inspiration:

Betobeto-San

Betobeto-san is a formless specter, and is only recognizable by the telltale sound it makes – the “beto beto” sound of wooden sandals clacking on the ground.

People who walk the streets alone at night sometimes encounter this harmless but nonetheless disturbing yokai. It synchronizes its pace with walkers and follows them as long as it can, getting closer and closer with each step. For the victims, this can be quite traumatic. The haunting sound of footsteps follows them wherever they go, but every time they turn around to see what is following them, they find nothing.

Teke Teke

As a young school boy was walking home at night, he spotted a beautiful young girl standing by a windowsill resting on her elbows. They smiled at each other for a moment. The boy wondered what a girl was doing in an all-boys school, but before he could wonder more about the girl she jumped out of the window and revealed her lower half was missing. Frightened, he stood in the sidewalk, but before he could run, she cut the boy in half and the boy was found dead but his lower half was missing.

What Ayano is and how she functions:

Ayano was born from human sadness, loneliness, love and yearning. That’s how she came into existence is manifesting from those innate desires, often seeking out those who wander alone with the same ones. Thus her willingness to grant boons without a question so long as it does not conflict with her own warped morals.

Basically I’ll be taking this as Ayano is a ‘born spirit’ and while immortal, can be dispelled temporarily or fought back if the person is supernatural themselves but as imagined? Can be hard to deal with as most of the time once angered, as Ayano at first is harmless and will simply follow lone travelers as a wandering spirit, having no disfigurements and appearing as a young Japanese Teenage Girl in traditional garments and only allowing glimpses to be seen before vanishing completely, though the clack of her sandals can still be heard.

Eventually, after a day of off and on stalking during the night, the spirit will converse with the traveler on really any topic at night. Maybe the weather, their lover, or even what era it is- the possibilities and accounts have been numerous. Albeit, there are occasions where the spirit will become enamored with the traveler she’s following if they’re a young teenager such as she, pursuing them more frequently and even flirting or complimenting them and capable of physical contact. However… if the spirit is rejected harshly or told to go away in any circumstance whether enamored or not other than politely and calmly asking to be left be: a farming scythe will appear in her hand as blood begins dripping from her eyes and a great wound appearing on her abdomen shows with entrails hanging partially out, the Yokai will then pursue relentlessly until her victim is mutilated and brutally murdered with a vicious smile. Then vanishing with the remains to who knows where.

Though if appeased after seven days and humored in her dealings, the spirit is capable of giving great rewards or even taking one favor and will fulfill it without question so long as it doesn’t conflict with their own warped moral code. However if simply asked to be left alone peacefully after three times each time she disappears and then reappears later, the spirit will leave and give no reward or punishment. But will give no reward if asked to leave even once if the duration is met to its end.

Often many times, the spirit will attack people who respond in fright in the heat of the moment, as it needs to be done ‘politely and calmly’ with no sense of hostility or horror. So as you can imagine? Things get quite messy at times for those not in the know of Ayano and her ways.

Weapon reference so people don’t get confused and think of the western version of a farming scythe.

The home.

Her home essentially is her own heart which consists of an endless hallway of flesh that constantly beats and convulses as if well- you guessed it: a heart. Inside, she sits on a regular mat when dormant if not seeking or being sought out with her offerings or gifts she has received over the thousands of years, the walls lining with countless masks of her victim’s faces that she carefully carves off and then places onto a wall to dry and harden and reform. The masks once taken shape, resemble the victim’s face almost exactly, albeit their eyes are merely darkened holes as if to see out and simply look like ordinary masks, having her own ‘special section’ for her victims she’s been fixated on that’s deeper inside her heart’s winding chambers. Although… visitor’s under her protection will often find themselves feel as though the masks themselves are following them with their empty eyes.

The leftover flesh is absorbed and essentially consumed as it becomes a part of Ayano’s ‘home’. This is to ease the emptiness she feels eternally in her ‘heart’ and that’s why she keeps her victims close to it, or well, more literally inside of it as a part of it. Taking the phrase ‘keep them close to your heart’ rather literally.

Habits.

She’ll often take the masks of her victims to temporarily meld onto her face to admire herself with their face and build.

She collects the faces of her victims to fill the eternal emptiness in her heart.

She is willing to trade faces with people from the victims she’s acquired of their own choosing, thus ‘visitor’s under her protection’ are a possibility when picking out and trying out masks for the ‘face trader’. The trader themselves will be able to either keep the face and build or simply the face, but never just the build. Albeit can leave some parts of the body unaltered, such as if the person in question is simply transgender and doesn’t wish for their sex to be changed as well or someone who wishes to change it entirely along with looks if they’re transsexual. The participant must be specific or Ayano will simply leave them in the new un-altered body if they wish for the build as well.

If simply asked for a boon when sought out via things to attract her, Ayano will fulfill this without question if there is no trade conducted. What this means: later on, without warning as years or simply weeks passed, Ayano will absorb them completely as if stalking them with the clacks of her sandals. However, when they turn around? Well… I’ll let that be a surprise for whoever wants their muse to find out as their face will appear in her heart’s wall.

She deems it as you always have to give her something if you want a boon, even if it’s yourself.

Will trick others into giving themselves to her when they ask for boons if she sees that it’s possible.

Is extremely affectionate to the few friends she makes. Will revisit previous companions she’s granted boons to with no strings attached to simply enjoy their company. Especially if she’s fixated on them.

A few powers to simply list them off.

Immortality, albeit not invincible but can return from being vanquished or forced away.

Reincarnating others through budding them in a large flesh cocoon that instantly hatches once dropped from her hand: this is necessary for a ‘face-trade’. And to take inspiration off certain myths and shows.

Absorption/Soul Absorption.

Dimensional travel and having a dimensional plane of her own.

Limited shape-shifting so long as she has the mask.

Limited wish granting.

Using her victim’s mask to form ethereal and formless wearers of it to deliver messages in her voice.

(Maybe more to be added later, I might be forgetting some)

How to seek her out and appease her rather than herself finding you.

Traditional offerings or sacrifices whether great ones or personal ones regarding loneliness, along with food and incense to attract her. Alternatively, you use a charm given to you by her, and while greeting offerings aren’t necessary after befriending her? They’re greatly appreciated and could actually earn you her friendship.

To trade with her.

It must be exceptional and befitting of a Yokai. Whether it’s an offered task to do for them such as to expand their influence to others with great statues, writings or knowledge, or to perform something at the request of Ayano on her terms if accepted. Or a grand sacrifice for a grand boon or a small sacrifice for a small boon.

#ooc #tbd #timestamp

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anothergirlrecovering · 7 years ago

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Lynn 79

I'm like honestly surprised that I didn't end up crying today. I got there and had to use the restroom but somebody was in there so I was standing in the waiting area and Lynn came out and invited me in so I just went in. She asked me how I was doing and I said good and I asked how she was. She said she was good, and we both sat down. She asked how my week has been and I said I don't know but that it's been kind of on the rough side but that we could start with something that's kind of happy. She was like OK and I was like I did something kind of impulsive but kind of not impulsive because you know that I don't do anything impulsive and she was like what is it and I was like I booked a flight to New York and I'm going to stay in the city with my brother and just see if you Broadway shows. I joked that if my husband could spend 1000 bucks on hockey tickets and Shirley I could spend a few hundred on just seeing Broadway shows. I told her about how my brother's girlfriend apparently is a professional dancer and is into yoga and is vegan and really likes theater to so she said she would see if you shows with me so that's kind of my plan at this point. I told her that I was anxious because I hadn't told my mom yet and I'm not really sure how she's going to take it because I'm not planning on going to visit my parents but I think that maybe I will ask them if they want to have dinner with me in the city one night. I told her that I booked the same flights that she had told me about through a small airline and she was like yeah some of those prices have gone up for the summer and she said united had flights for $200 round-trip and I was like oh well that's good to know but I already just booked mine LOL and it was $200 so I guess it worked out. She said that she was looking up flights for herself and playing around with it and had found those tickets, but she said that sounded like a really good idea and a nice vacation for myself. I said yeah but we will see how this goes with talking to my mom about it. I told her about how I went to the dentist and got really upset about my enamel being messed up and how I went on this shame spiral of how I've fucked myself up and how on the car ride there I was thinking about how as a kid when I would go to the dentist I didn't mind the dentist but I knew my brother was terrified of the dentist and so he got to go to the special pediatric dentist where there was like candy and video games and toys and even though he would have tantrums and be terrified my parents went out of their way to take care of him and that honestly makes me mad because I was like you know that that's not how it was for me when I was scared about anything. Lynn nodded and I was like I don't know it's just really frustrating because and Emily is something that will never grow back I mean there's treatments that they can do to help hard in the enamel but once it's gone it's gone. I was like and I mean the other big thing is that my husband and I had a huge fight last night. I explained everything that happened and I tried to explain that I was shitty and I wasn't supportive and she was kind of like I mean you have it in you you're compassionate for your clients so maybe you just need to reframe it. I explained that my husband pointed out that I'm essentially just mirroring my parents behavior with being crazy and rigid and upset sieve about health concerns and I don't think she really grasp exactly what I meant per se but she pointed out that while my parents are extreme, there is some truth in what they believe as far as it is good to do your own research and it is good to look at changing your diet or seeking out alternative medicine. She said anytime she has clients who have autoimmune diseases she refers to alternative medical practices because it's not a hard fixable science and it's always complicated to treat so the more things you can try to figure out what works, The better. She said that she thinks all of it is connected and what you eat is obviously going to influence your health and that her husband also has some health issues with really bad asthma and allergies and things like that and that she will occasionally be like you don't think it has something to do with the Lucky charms when he is complaining about his health and she was like you know maybe your husband isn't receptive to things like that right now and maybe he will eventually but that's his stuff to figure out and you can't control him. And I was like that's the problem is that I feel controlling and that I want to control what he does and she was like well because you care and I was like yeah but what I'm doing isn't exactly helpful and she was like exactly so you need to stop acting on what you were feeling and just be supportive. She said that she doesn't think there is anything wrong and what I am suggesting but that if he isn't receptive to hearing it and then maybe I need to take a step back and just let him work through it on his own. She pointed out that my husband has a lot of trauma and like I know from the ace study it's possible that his auto immune disorder might have been caused from all of the chronic stress in childhood. I hadn't really thought of that but it definitely made sense and she said that her friends son had a lot of allergies that were severe and several near death experience is as a kid and now at 18 he developed vitiligo and they said that any time a kid gets it that young it's almost always because of chronic stress on the body. I honestly hadn't thought of it but it would certainly make sense. She pointed out that that kid having had so many near death experiences was definitely under a lot of stress throughout his life and given all that she knows about him it makes sense. I tried to explain that it was my fault for the fight but she pointed out that he didn't respond well and that I was obviously triggering something that was extreme and caused him to act more like a little kid version of himself with kicking the table and saying he hates me and believing because she pointed out that that's kind of something that a little kid would do you where they say they hate you and then they run out. I was like I guess that's true but I still was not being supportive and she was like well that's something that you can work on them and I was like yeah hopefully I'm trying and I explained that it just makes me so mad because it's like I know that my parents made me this crazy kind of person about all of these things and I don't know how to be normal about it and she was like well you are able to have compassion for your clients so maybe put yourself in that kind of Frame of mind and just try to remember that mindset and act as if you are trying to be compassionate for a client because I know it's in there because you obviously care about him a lot and I was like yeah and that's why am so crazy about wanting to make sure that he gets real quality care. She also suggested that I consider just not even talking about his health issues with him and I was like yeah we decided that would be for the best anyway. She said she thinks that he's projecting his fear on to me and that's not really fair either and she thinks this isn't really about me as much as it is that he's afraid and she also pointed out that a lot of times people do not want to except responsibility for themselves or the work it takes to actually change and she pointed out that look at diabetes and how we have like 70,000 people a year have to have limbs removed because they won't change their diets. She pointed out that things would have to get bad enough for him to really want to do that change but I can't do it for him and I can't force him because that will only make him mad and not want to do what I have to say anyway. I was like yeah that's true, I would just hate for it to continually get worse for him to get to a point where he realizes he needs to do things differently. I told her about my friend Meaghan's husband who has it and every three months he has to go get his levels checked and adjusted and if he misses his appointment and it gets pushed back a few weeks he always ends up either super depressed or super angry and raging and they have to try to get it level again. She said she hopes that he does something sooner than later then and I was like yeah, and she was like so is that it? And I was like yeah and she was like so not a bad week and I was like I mean those things all felt pretty bad and like my husband has never told me that he'd me before and she was like so that's a bad moment but that wasn't an entirely bad week. She pointed out that a lot of times we obsess over the bad moments and Forget the positive ones and completely overlooked them and forget that they all pass. She read me part of an article on boundaries with narcissistic parents and she was like I read part of this to my daughter yesterday and I was like why are you a narcissist and she was like no but this part about boundaries was really good and we all need to learn how to have boundaries with people in general and I laughed and was like OK. She was like so the article specifically about narcissistic parents and I was like well my parents that I have some of those traits and she was like yes they most certainly do an article was good and she was like I'll send it to you so you can read the whole thing but it's about having those parent boundaries. I said also that my period came for days early and that hasn't happened since like 2016 so I don't know what was happening but I was very emotional and really struggled with self harm thoughts but that I literally did anything and everything I could to cope hopefully and I didn't do it and she was like well good and said how it takes time but the more time I spend redirecting my behavior when bad thoughts come up, the more my brain will re-wire itself to not respond that way. I could tell that Lynn was looking at the clock like we didn't have enough time to do EMD are, so she went with the route of figuring out a preparation plan for taking this trip and talking to my mom about it. She suggested explaining to my parents that I work a lot and that I want this trip to be more like a vacation which I was like honestly Lynn when I come visit them they always plan things for us to do so I think they would actually be offended. She was like oh OK that makes sense, bad example. She was like well you can say that you are going to be spending time with your brother and his girlfriend and she asked if my parents like his girlfriend and I was like LOL he hasn't told them that he has a girlfriend and she just burst out laughing and was like oh my God the two of you, you both could have your own little club and I was like yeah I know. I was like I don't know if he's waiting to tell them because he doesn't think it will last and she was like wait does he like her and I was like honestly I don't really know. It hasn't been very long and initially he said she was super crazy. Lynn was like oh good you get to play therapist for the weekend and I was like no definitely not LOL but I was like it sounded like it was just with being jealous and that she like freaked out about my brother hanging out at their apartment when this other girl was there waiting for her boyfriend to get home and they've been friends for like a year and that he basically said the boundary and was like listen if you don't stop acting crazy then we can't date and she had cried and he was like you've literally known me for two weeks like you shouldn't care about me this much LOL. She was like oh OK and I was like yeah so if my brother tells my parents about his girlfriend then I can say something about that but I'm not really sure when he's planning on doing that so I guess I can ask him. I told her about the idea for just like a Sunday dinner and she was like that sounds like a good plan. She talked about me preparing to have anxiety while I make that phone call and I was like I mean can I just text her and she was kind of like well I mean you can and I was like I just feel like that would give me less anxiety and she was like well then text her, maybe keeping it less emotional is the best. She pointed out that I could always make my text sound like I'm excited to have dinner with them and excited to go to the city and see shows and make it sound very positive and I was like yeah and then if she goes all Debbie downer and nasty I can be like if you aren't going to be positive then you can't hang out with me and she laughed and was like yeah that's exactly what the article was talking about and I was like if only I had the courage to say something crazy like that. She pointed out that my husband is supportive of the trip right? And I was like honestly he wasn't and she was like really why? And I was like well when I first told him that I was thinking about it he was like not thinking it was a good idea because he knows it will start a huge fight with my parents and she was like well I guess that would fit for him to feel fearful especially with your history and I was like yeah. She pointed out again that it's better that I have these really difficult conversations now than later once I have kids and I was like well honestly they might be better once I have kids and she was like why and I was like I don't know because apparently they've become the perfect parents now that I'm not there a little kid anymore and she laughed and was like salty LMAO. I was like just a tad. I was like who knows maybe they learn something sitting through those parenting classes that the county made them due to be foster parents and she was like yeah that's true maybe they have and I was like my mom said she didn't know she was supposed to spend time with me and now I'm just like what the fuck how was that not into it if they should spend time with your child? Isn't that intuitive? And Lynn was kind of just like I mean it should be and she was like well we know for sure your parents are going to try to be controlling over your kids food and I was like you know what I would expect that but at the same time they didn't do that for the foster kids and she was like wait for real? They didn't make them be healthy? And I was like no they kept the junk food in the house and stuff but I think it's because the county had suggested they keep food that they are familiar with in the home and she was like oh well Doug that makes sense they would Buy junk food because the county basically told him so and also because you can't really start foster kids or you might get in trouble and I was like I mean yeah I guess there's that but now that they've been adopted they make healthy food and they've just figured out which healthy foods the kids like because they still come to visit and these kids are super weird and love salads and fermented vegetables so they always make that and Hannah likeloves cooking with my dad so he calls her his little chef and she helps him cook in the kitchen together and laying could tell that I was being salty again and I was like yeah it's actually really fucking cute it's just annoyingly whatever because that wasn't me as a little kid but it could've been. She asked me if I can predict how my mom will respond and I was like honestly I don't know because remember she said she's not holding in her feelings anymore which Lynn left and I was like so I don't really know. I've never done something like this before so it's hard to know how she will react. She could easily go off the handle because this is so quickly after Mother's Day which we know was a shit show, or she could take the passive aggressive route and make a few backhanded comments. She suggested that I really make sure that I have my support circle ready to go in case of the conversation with my mom about the trip goes poorly and she suggested telling the people from my church group. I told him that I would and I was like you know honestly I don't think I realized just how abnormal my parents behaviors were until more recent years and especially lately, like even with Mother's Day that phone call with me I ended up crying and feeling so horribly guilty and sad and it was like this terrible I've fucked up three mothers days now and it's all my fault but then every time that I've told somebody that story, which I've told my therapist and the church group and my husband and book club, I'm still surprised by how people react because they're always like wait she seriously said that him was that artificial? And I'm like kind of Floored by the fact that other people recognize immediately just how crazy that is. Lynn laughed and was like tell them the story about her pouring out half of your milk, that's my favorite mom story of yours that you've told me and I was like oh my God, but honestly that felt so normal and she was like I know it did that's why you acted like that was normal the hallway that you even told me that story was casual and as if that was just another common story to tell but that's so abnormal and crazy to think that she really felt like she could Control you that way. I laughed and was like you mean you wouldn't try to control your daughters calories by pouring half of her milk down the drain? Lynn laughed and was like I'm pretty sure my daughter is with slug me if I even attempted something like that, or if they would pack up their bags and be like I'm leaving. She asked which shows I want to see him and I was like I don't really know I feel like there's no bad shows and she was like yeah that's true, and I just didn't really feel like explaining my process of rushing dear Evan Hansen and the whole ticket booth thing but whatever. She said she was excited for me and that it was a great idea for a relaxing little trip. She talked about scheduling and how this month is still kind of weird until the last week and she was like well we could do the day after you get back from your trip or that week after and I was like well I guess we should do the day after just in case if things go bad with my mom and she was like yeah that definitely sounds like a better plan. So we scheduled for that and we will stagger having that following week off and I will see her the last week of the month. I paid her and asked if she was still billing my insurance and she was like yeah why is it not going through? And I was like no it is I think I was just making sure because you had brought up not billing insurance anymore and she was like oh no that hasn't happened yet but I would definitely let you know in advance. She said that she is thinking maybe the fall but is going to give everyone a letter with three months notice and I was like OK well that's nice. And I was like the fall, so a.k.a. once my deductible has been met and she was like oh man I'm sorry maybe I can push it out a little bit.

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foursprout-blog · 7 years ago

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What Kind Of Empath Are You?

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/what-kind-of-empath-are-you/

What Kind Of Empath Are You?

God & Man

Empath: Normal Or Paranormal?

The term Empath usually describes someone with a paranormal level of emotional sensitivity. This makes it painful to live in the world. Google: “Signs you’re an empath” and you’ll get 905,000 results with “listicles” ranging from three to 50 items. They describe traits such as: “feeling others’ feelings,” “being overwhelmed by others’ negativity,” “pain intolerance,” “intense intuition,” and “precognitive dreams,” amongst others.

But what if Empath is just another way of describing a normal human being? This is what David Gillespie suggests in his book, Taming Toxic People: The Science of Identifying And Dealing With Psychopaths At Work And At Home. He says:

“I regard the world as being divided into two types of people: empaths and psychopaths. Empath is a word from the paranormal world. It means someone who has a paranormal ability to perceive the emotional state of another person. Compared to psychopaths, I reckon we’re all empaths. From now on, I’ll use it to describe us normal folk. It sounds so much less clinical than the more politically correct ‘neurotypical’. An empath sounds like someone you’d like to be around; a neurotypical, not so much.”

Human beings are social animals with a built-in capacity to form collaborative relationships with each other. Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is a hardwired aspect of the human experience.

The Brains Of Psychopaths

In fact, it’s impossible not to feel empathy unless there’s an abnormality of brain functioning. For example, the brains of psychopaths show reduced activity in the orbital cortex, thought to play a role in regulating our emotions, impulses, aggression and ability to make moral decisions.

As a result of this difference, psychopaths have an unusual ability to remain cool under pressure, not experience anxiety and feel the thrill of an adrenaline rush four times more pleasurably than empathic people, according to a recent article by Eric Barker.

Further evidence that this difference is hard-wired is revealed by the fact treatment cannot cure a lack of empathy. In fact, violent psychopaths given counselling were 20% more likely to re-offend. Barker says treatment makes them worse because teaching them empathy doesn’t make them more empathic, it just makes them fake it better. They see treatment as “finishing school.”

For our purposes here though, we’re discussing Empaths – I’ve written other articles about how to spot a psychopath. The way I see it, the kind of Empath you are depends on these three aspects:

1. Nervous System Sensitivity

Your degree of nervous system sensitivity can vary from extreme sensitivity if you’re an introvert to quite robust if you’re an extrovert.

For an introvert, a quiet library may provide just the right amount of pleasurable stimulation. If you’re an extrovert, you may find it so dull as to fall asleep.

Conversely, a nightclub on Ibiza with hundreds of party-goers getting down to the beat may give the extrovert just the buzz s/he needs. An introvert is likely to find this environment overwhelming.

Both introversion and extraversion have their advantages and disadvantages. Some introverts are so sensitive they can sense non-physical phenomena just as tangibly as physical phenomena. These experiences provide incredible richness to their inner world in a way not available to extroverts.

In contrast, the extrovert, being gregarious, social and optimistic may have access to more worldly opportunities. Introverts often miss out on their connections and career advancement opportunities.

In her book, Quiet, Susan Cain explains how extroverts are far more likely to be favoured for entry into prestigious Ivy League business degree courses than introverts. They’re more likely to have opportunities for career advancement as part of the individualistic, optimistic and enterprising US culture.

In extreme cases, being super-sensitive in a neglectful or abusive family of origin environment is likely to compound the experience of trauma. An extrovert is likely more robust and therefore may suffer less impact.

Thus super-sensitive individuals may go on to develop mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression or even Borderline Personality Disorder. They will have a heightened ability to be attuned to others’ nonverbal signals, especially ones conveying disinterest, disapproval or rejection.

2. Environmental Nurturing And Enrichment

A loving and nurturing family environment provides a perfect opportunity to develop empathy. Conversely, failures in early nurturing can set the stage for psychopathology.

For example, someone who was punished and humiliated for normal child behaviour but rewarded and praised for their special abilities may go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder. In contrast to psychopathy, narcissism is a product of inadequate early nurturing (although the two can certainly co-exist).

With the right nurturing, we can develop into our full potential as human beings. We have an innate ability to connect with and care for others, develop a conscience and feel remorse if we cause others’ harm.

The size and evolution of our brains reflects our ability to sustain complex relationships. In particular, all mammals possess a limbic system, which is larger in higher order mammals (such as apes) than lower order mammals (such as rodents). This reflects the evolution of progressively more sophisticated relationships within each group.

One of the amazing and little-understood aspects of our limbic system is its ability to transmit emotional information much like a radio transmitter. Another person’s limbic system can pick up on signals, even in the absence of a physical presence.

Thus, it’s possible to walk into a place you’ve never been before and receive distinct emotional impressions based upon the imprint of its inhabitants.

I tend to receive very powerful impressions when walking into hospitals or home opens where I can feel what’s going on, almost as vividly as if it were happening before my very eyes. What about you?

3. Awareness

While human beings are hardwired to be empathic, the degree of awareness we have in any given moment is largely a matter of free will.

You can only be empathic towards others when you’re in the present moment, noticing how they’re feeling. Some people are so disengaged that they’re oblivious to those around them.

Those who live in their heads (e.g., overly intellectual people) are more likely to experience anxiety, rigidity and a limited world-view. It’s like living in a perpetual Groundhog day. These people find their rigid beliefs restrict their lives because they make past events mean something about a hypothetical future.

The growth into conscious awareness is a journey all of us must take in this lifetime, though some choose not to. When we do, we’re amply rewarded in the quality of our relationships, new possibilities and an increase in happiness.

The present moment is a portal into all things throughout all space and time. The deeper you go into the mystery of the present moment, the more able you are to perceive ever more subtle levels of reality.

Yes, that includes paranormal phenomena such as being able to sense the emotional state of another thousands of miles away. Or even sensing the presence of a loved one no longer living in a physical body.

Developing our awareness also allows us to shed limiting beliefs and habitual, defensive ways of responding to the world. Limiting beliefs sabotage our wellbeing and cause suffering.

To Sum Up…

There are many ways to develop awareness, including psychotherapy, meditation, yoga, self-development workshops, walking in nature or anything that induces a calm, relaxed state of mind. The more awareness you create, the more empathy you develop.

Highly developed empathy and awareness is the sign of an emotionally mature individual. Such a person may also experience workplace bullying from those likely to feel threatened by their competence and popularity.

Therefore, if you ever have any self-doubts because someone bullied you, don’t. It’s likely that you’re one of the very best employees. You’re conscientious, caring and full of integrity. So in a perverse way, it’s a compliment.

In conclusion, you’re an Empath if have a conscience and care about others. The more sensitive, aware and loved you were as a child, the more empathic you’re likely to be. Even without a favourable early environment you can grow in awareness, sensitivity and empathy. You can give yourself the nurturing you didn’t receive in childhood.

#Happiness

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years ago

Text

What Kind Of Empath Are You?

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/what-kind-of-empath-are-you/

What Kind Of Empath Are You?

God & Man

Empath: Normal Or Paranormal?

The Brains Of Psychopaths

For our purposes here though, we’re discussing Empaths – I’ve written other articles about how to spot a psychopath. The way I see it, the kind of Empath you are depends on these three aspects:

1. Nervous System Sensitivity

Your degree of nervous system sensitivity can vary from extreme sensitivity if you’re an introvert to quite robust if you’re an extrovert.

For an introvert, a quiet library may provide just the right amount of pleasurable stimulation. If you’re an extrovert, you may find it so dull as to fall asleep.

Conversely, a nightclub on Ibiza with hundreds of party-goers getting down to the beat may give the extrovert just the buzz s/he needs. An introvert is likely to find this environment overwhelming.

In contrast, the extrovert, being gregarious, social and optimistic may have access to more worldly opportunities. Introverts often miss out on their connections and career advancement opportunities.

2. Environmental Nurturing And Enrichment

A loving and nurturing family environment provides a perfect opportunity to develop empathy. Conversely, failures in early nurturing can set the stage for psychopathology.

Thus, it’s possible to walk into a place you’ve never been before and receive distinct emotional impressions based upon the imprint of its inhabitants.

3. Awareness

While human beings are hardwired to be empathic, the degree of awareness we have in any given moment is largely a matter of free will.

You can only be empathic towards others when you’re in the present moment, noticing how they’re feeling. Some people are so disengaged that they’re oblivious to those around them.

Developing our awareness also allows us to shed limiting beliefs and habitual, defensive ways of responding to the world. Limiting beliefs sabotage our wellbeing and cause suffering.

To Sum Up…

#Happiness

0 notes

fireandeye-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Revisiting “Love”

As I look back on my teenage love affairs, they seem so trivial now compared to what I have experienced in recent years. But I have come to see all of these stories in a new way as I have revisited them through extensive shadow work. I’d like to revisit them here, for my own reflection.

My first boyfriend. He was not quite the man of my dreams. He was was the first boy to become my friend. After all of the terrible stories of rape and abuse I had been told, and all of the religious restrictions I had been given, I was terrified of boys. I was definitely terrified of sex with boys. Yet, at 18 I lost my virginity with a boy who had worked long and hard to gain my trust and friendship. Still, I did not trust him enough to enter into a relationship with him. He asked me to prom and I told him yes. However, later I broke the news to him that I couldn’t go. He ended up taking a last minute date to prom, then humiliated her by kicked her out of his car halfway through the night. He was sure to make me feel guilty for declining his invitation and ruining his night for a long time to come.

We eventually made up but it was our senior year of high school and he would be heading off to New York for college soon. We remained friends our first year of college, yet I quickly caught wind of all the girls he was sleeping with in New York. I went on with my life, though I was lonely, depressed and drunk 3-4 nights of the week. I had always extremely shy and had a hard time making friends. College was no different.

On one drunken occasion, I called my friend in New York and blabbed to him in tears about a girl I had fallen in love with at school. She had lied to me snuck around with one of my friends behind my back. He didn’t receive this news very well, even though he had been been openly bragging about having his fun while he was away. He told me that my betrayal was something he could never forgive me for.

He came back home to South Carolina to visit for Christmas that year. He suggested that perhaps if he were to move back home, that we could be together again. I told him I’d think about it.

We continued a vicious cycle of coming back together and spitting up violently. He often cheated on me and then would seek to humiliate me in front of large crowds for things I had done in the past. When I often called him drunk and in tears, I was instantly placed on speakerphone for all to hear.

During one of those years, he ran off again to California. There he proposed to a girl he had been seeing a short while there . Simultaneously though, he was contacting me online, confessing his unending love for me. When his fiance hacked into my social media account to discover the truth, he later blamed me for the break up.

He then moved to Clemson, South Carolina to attend school. After not speaking for a while he spotted me at the mall with a new boyfriend. I’m sure this peaked his curiosity as to whether he could win me over again. He succeeded as I went to visit him right away. Our meeting left me in much confusion as he kissed me upon my departure.

The next day I texted him in hopes to get a better understanding. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said no. So I asked, “Then why did you kiss me if you don’t want to be with me?”

He responded, “Why would you kiss someone who you know doesn’t want to be with you.”

My current boyfriend discovered our conversation and broke up with me. When my ex found out that he was successful in breaking up the relationship, he gloated.

But of course, somewhere along the lines, after he decided to transfer back to my University, I took him back again. We dated for another year, and then one day, he came to my apartment heavily stoned. He announced that he was transferring to another school and that he was leaving me once again. He already had everything in place and ready to go.

He moved to Columbia, SC this time, but he continued to visit my campus in Greenwood to sleep with other girls there. When he showed up for our homecoming celebration I was a drunken, ticking time bomb. He followed me from club to club, taunting me to come outside. I refused. Yet sadly our night still ended in a fist fight on his friend’s front porch. He pressed charges against me but later dropped them the day before our court appearance.

That fight was the last time I saw him, until this past year. I attended one of my childhood best friend’s wedding and he was the best man. When I saw him, I felt that childlike love all over again. I was able to forgive him and let him go. And I apologized for everything I had done to contribute to what had happened in our past. He has permanently moved to California now and I’ll probably never run into him again.

Boyfriend #2

Not my second boyfriend in life, but I’d say my second significant relationship. He was the guy I met after breaking up with the several year long nightmare of my first love. But this one was different. I had spent several months alone and disconnected from friends and family. I had finally found myself diving into my spirituality and learning more about who I really was. I let my hair grow out natural for the first time and I felt a new freedom and self love settling in.

There was magic in our meeting much more than fear. We met up on 4-20 that year and were inseparable from day one. There was music, dancing, and shooting stars. We radiated in the eyes of others. He made art together, he exposed me to new music and taught me to longboard. I visited his hometown in Louisiana for Christmas and we saved up our spare change in order to take a beach vacation in the spring. We even had a dog together. I’d say he is mostly responsible for giving me the jumpstart I needed to become the hippy I am today. We seemed like the perfect couple to the outside world. However, inside it quickly became a different story. His actions began to play on my low self esteem. He was constantly surrounded by other girls, flirting and spending time in their dorms. At a party one time He smacked a girl on her butt while he held me, the other arm wrapped around my shoulder. But I loved him.

But I didn’t know how to love myself. Everyone loved him so much, he was outgoing, funny, and entertaining. He was an art major and soccer playing and everyone told him he reminded everyone of Bob Marley. Me, I was awkward, too shy for the big soccer parties. He was constantly frustrated with my inability to blend in and mingle with his dozens of friends.

This time in my life was also when my health began to fade. After years of heavy drinking, college life, and poor diet, it was all catching up to me. I also had a sudden increase of unusual spiritual experiences that neither of us were prepared for. After a near death experience and developing an anxiety disorder, he had had more than the average college guy could handle. Plus he was still in school while I had already graduated. I soon stopped doing the things we used to do together. I stopped drinking, changed my diet, and I wasn’t too much into sex because of my failing health. Soon, he left for a school trip to Amsterdam. Upon his return something had changed. I still loved him deeply, but I feared for my life. He only felt rejected by me. I went to pick him up at the airport and we broke up before making it home. We later began to fight over the dog that we had raised together. After living in separate rooms in a shared house for a month or so, it was clear that he wanted me gone as he quickly brought in new girls, and eventually a new girlfriend.

After our break up, I was forced to move out on my own (escorted by police) and he kept the dog. I never quite healed from that break up. And I never got attached to another dog after that.

Boyfriend #3

I think this is the last story I’ll revisit for now. These three stories represent a good bit of the wounds I have delve into this past year, as far as consensual relationships go. The trauma I have revisited from childhood and early adolescent abuse would need an entirely different dialogue of its own. Yet I believe examining the unhealthy dynamics I experienced in major life relationships later on has given me greater insight into how early abuse affected my life in the long run.

So the heartbroken girl is drinking again. But then I started to shift after a few more unwanted blacked out experiences. I had been drinking for so long that my tolerance had become unreasonable. There was no tipsy for me anymore. I either felt nothing, or I was blacked out. So I continued with my vegetarian diet and began working at a cell phone store. I had previously decided to finally pursue my dreams and go back to school for art, but after moving out on my own I could no longer afford not to work full time.

I found a new boyfriend that New Year and ended up moving back towards my hometown to be closer to him. However, I still had to drive an hour back and forth to work from my new home in Simpsonville SC. I worked nearly 60 hours a week and it was exhausting. On top of that my grandmother had been put on hospice and my car was barely holding up with my two hour drive each day. I was still driving the same car I bought in high school with the money my grandfather left me after his death.

One day, on my way to work, I looked down for just a moment, but long enough to crash into the back of a pickup truck that had stopped to move a few tree limbs out of he road. I didn’t last much longer at that job and my replacement car wasn’t holding up much better than the last. I decided to leave my job and go back to school for pastry arts.

While in school, I worked part time at a bakery but I was unable to pay my own rent. So my boyfriend decided to move in with me to help support me and help with bills. After the wreck though, many of my health problems began to return. This time they progressively got worse. That year my grandmother passed and I was also diagnosed with multiple sclerosis shortly after.

Soon I was unable to work and barely able to finish my classes. I spent the next 6 months finishing my pastry certificate and nursing myself back to health through diet and lifestyle changes. Yet, I was still lonely.

My boyfriend owned several businesses and was often a gone all day. He would return at night then be gone by 7am. As disfunction increased in my body, my interest in sex diminished once again. I desperately longed for spiritual and intellectual conversation. My limbs were numb, often paralyzed and painful. There were no medications available that eased the electrical shock pain that shot throughout my body. I could only sleep with muscle relaxers and ativan. I sweated profusely at night and woke up every hour with spasms in my bladder and other muscles. My hands trembled as if I had parkinson’s and I walked with a constant limp.

I think what was most hurtful in this situation was that I was facing a light threatening disease, and in my mind no one close to me really seemed to care or offer any real hope. I had left my best friend back in my college town and I barely knew anyone back home anymore. I had always been distant from my parents since leaving for school. My boyfriend was not interested in any of the health and diet information I was learning about, and when I tried to talk to him about yoga or spirituality I was met with blank stares. He only came home in the evening for dinner and hopes for sex. When I tried to talk to him about our relationship issues, he suggested having a baby together. When I obviously refused his outrageous, inconsiderate suggestion, he started disappearing on exotic trips, leaving me behind. Soon after our break up, I discovered his fake facebook account logged in on the ipad we shared. He had been contacting prostitutes and making price checks before taking a trip to Colombia, South America.

I moved back home for a while to get back on my feet. His sister attempted to find out information as to why we broke up, but I never told her what he had done. A few weeks after I left, I finally received an apology from him. He had been hit by a car and the shock of nearly losing his life seemed to have moved him to remorse.

Today I look back on these stories and I see similar patterns. I see stories of my younger self completely giving myself over to men who in the end may or may not have really cared for my overall well being very much. But most of all I see my own perception of low self worth. I see myself destroying my body and health in a constant search for love in the external world. I see a hurt, lost little girl….looking for love in all the wrong places. I see how the stories of my past have played a role in creating my present circumstance in life.

Now I am a mother of a two year old and the father of my child has witnessed my descent deep into the shadows of my past. After the birth of a child, the strain on my body, the financial stress, the strain on a fairly young relationship. He has had to take a step back and become more of my friend than a lover these days. He has had to surrender to my surrender.

My battered, weak body, gave birth to a beautiful child. And soon the stresses and pressure of motherhood would take me down once again. I could see that everytime I had managed to get my health in a good place, I ran off into another love affair, allowing myself to crash and burn. I was never sure how I could do it on my own though. I had always struggled financially and my home life with my parents was a constant struggle. I think maybe I was always running off searching for somewhere to call home. I just didn’t know how to find it. Or maybe I knew how to find it but just didn’t know how to keep it. I was too busy trying to figure out how to survive.

Some things I wonder if I should share them with the world. Then other things, I know will be beneficial to others in their own life journey. Then, there’s times when I just need to write things down and release it. Who’s really reading this anyway?

I have reason to believe that by reflecting on my past I have learned to create something different for the rest of my life. I’ve got so many more years to live. Reliving and revisiting these stories have allowed me to heal parts of myself that I didn't know were wounded. They have helped me let go of the burden of unworthiness and adopt new standards of self care for myself. Most of all, becoming a mother has given me another life to value other than my own. I have been able to see how my lack of self care affects my ability to be an adequate mother and partner. How it hinders me from being able to provide all the things I dream about for my son. Most of all, he needs me here, healthy and alive. I have fought for my life for nearly 7 years since my first decline. I have now come to a place where I no longer feel the need to fight, but have found a better way to live.

Most of all, I didn’t find this through doctors or medications. I’ve only been able to find this balance through my own personal journey. Our bodies were not meant to carry and store so much emotional pain. Those energies get stuck there and they live in your energy field. They continue to rule over your life through your unawareness of them. Yet I have always felt that I would be proof that healing is possible. Today I will say that I am now living that reality.

Oh, and when you Google the symptoms of MS, Kundalini awakening definitely comes up as an alternative diagnosis. Glad I stuck with that one.

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alexatwood86 · 8 years ago

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Can you get addicted to opiates?

Yes, you can get addicted!

Are you struggling with a problem related to a pain medicine?

You are not alone.

In fact, many people start taking opiates as part of a prescribed pain management plan. Slowly, the potential risk of addiction can outweigh the benefit of the medicine. Other times, people purposely use opiates to achieve feelings of sedation, relaxation, and euphoria. What’s important to know is that either of these routes can lead to opiate addiction.

So, how can you know if you’ve developed an addiction to opiates? In this article, we explain more about opiate use, the addictive potential of this class of drugs, and signs of addiction. Then, we suggest ways that you can prevent the development of a substance use problem.

At the end of the article, we welcome you to send us your questions. We do our best to review your real life questions. In fact, we try to provide personal and prompt responses to all legitimate inquiries…simply, we are here to help!

—– Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired with opiates? Call 1-877-721-2951 NOW. You deserve to live addiction-free! —–

Opiates for medical treatment

Opiates are a group of psychoactive drugs derived from extracts of the poppy plant: morphine and codeine. The best known types of opiates include heroin, oxycodone, and hydrocodone. Some opiates are prescribed for the medical treatment of pain, while others are illicit drugs with no medical use. Why do people use them?

Opiates are used for several reasons, including:

surpression of severe cough

treatment of severe pain after surgery

treatment of chronic (long-lasting) pain

treatment of acute (severe) pain

Prescription opiates usually come in the form of tablets, capsules, or liquid and are used to dull pain. When taken as directed by a medical professional opiates are safe and can reduce pain effectively. When misused or abused, painkillers can cause dependence and addiction.

Types of opiates

Illicit opiates are drugs include those banned by international drug control treaties, and include:

heroin

opium

The most widely used diverted pharmaceutical opioids (generic and brand names) are included in the following list:

Codeine

Diphenoxylate (Lomotil)

Fentanyl (Duragesic)

Hydrocodone (Vicodin, Lortab, Lorcet)

Hydromorphone (Dilaudid)

Meperidine (Demerol)

Methadone

(Dolophine, Methadose)

Morphine (Kadian, Avinza, MS Contin)

Oxycodone (OxyContin, Percodan, Percocet)

Propoxyphene (Darvon)

What do opiates do in the body?

Opiates can be administered:

Orally as a pill, capsule, or liquid

Intravenously via needle

Crushed and snorted

Once administered in the body via these different routes, opiates are metabolized and enter the bloodstream. Then, these chemicals cross the blood-brain barrier to bind to opiate receptors in the central nervous system (the brain, spinal cord, and other nervous system tissue). Once attached to the receptor, opiates start sending signals to block pain, slow breathing, and produce calming and anti-depressing effects.

The ability of opiates to activate receptors is due to their chemical structure, which matches the chemical structure of natural neurotransmitters in the central nervous system. This structure can practically “fool” receptors and allows opiates to bind and activate the nerve cells.

Opiates also affect the brain’s “reward system” and stimulate the production of excessive amounts of dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that regulates several brain functions such as:

cognition

emotions

pleasure

movement

motivation

The overstimulation of the reward system creates a sudden euphoric rush. The brain has a tendency to crave and repeat the activities that produce pleasure and reward…and this is how addiction is formed.

Take an opiate.

Feel great.

Feel no pain.

Repeat.

The development of addiction

Addiction is not a sudden occurrence. In fact, it usually takes time to develop. While each person’s experience is unique, many people find that regular dosing of an opiate after a period of few weeks or more results in physical dependence. Psychological dependence can develop immediately, or can occur after several weeks or months of dosing.

What are the physical and psychological changes that lead to the development of the disease that clinicians call “addiction”?

First PHYSICAL DEPENDENCE. You can know you are dependent on an opiate when you start to experience withdrawal symptoms upon lowering your usual dose or completely ceasing use in an abrupt manner. Dependence usually occurs after the first few weeks of regular, daily dosing.

Simultaneously, TOLERANCE, which means you need more and more of the opiate to achieve the wanted effects. People make mistakes when they start increasing doses of their medications or take them more frequently than suggested by a doctor. Tolerance to opiates is highly individual. Some people develop tolerance quickly. Others develop tolerance over time.

Finally, ADDICTION occurs. Addiction is considered to be a primary, chronic, neurobiologic disease. It is characterized by a compulsive and uncontrollable need for opiates and is almost always related to a deeper emotional or psychological hurt. People tend to take opiates to manage emotional pain, deal with traumatic events, and take control over any turmoil in life, as well as physical pain. Addiction can develop of the course of days, weeks, or years.

Who’s at greater risk of addiction?

There are a multitude of factors that may influence whether a person will be at greater risk of developing an addition to opiates. These include:

Genetics. Individuals who have a close relative or a parent who has an addiction to opiates or another substance face a greater risk of developing an addiction later in life. In fact, scientists attribute up to 50% of the risk for opiate addiction to your individual genetics make up. But still, not all people who use will turn to abuse or become addicted. Ultimately, addiction is influenced by many additional factors.

Brain chemistry. Some individuals are born with a malfunction in the way the reward system of the brain functions. An easy way to understand this is that some of us are born with the extreme sensitivity to dopamine influencing drugs. In fact, people who are prone to addiction may get “higher” than others who take the same drugs. These individuals may grow to rely upon substances such as opiates that stimulate the pleasure center of the brain.

Environment. People who grow up in a home or community in which substance use is present, it is likely that they might also view substance abuse as a normal way to cope with everyday stresses and emotional pain.

Psychology and mental health issues. Some individuals struggle for many years to control the symptoms of an undiagnosed or undertreated mental illness. Some examples of this include Bipolar Disorder, Depression, or Anxiety. In order to cope with distressing symptoms, some may turn to substances such as opiates to self-medicate the symptoms of the mental illness.

Personal medical history. In addition, if a person has a history of substance use issues, including alcohol, their chances for developing an addiction to opiates is higher.

Trauma.Early childhood trauma such as pre-adolescent sexual abuse, or any other type of abuse can increase the likelihood of drug addiction. Likewise, men and women who have been to war are at higher risk for developing Substance Use Disorders, as are people who work in First Responder jobs (police, firefighters, security, paramedics) with high levels of stress over time.

Signs of opiate addiction

There are ways you can tell if you or a loved one have started to develop a problem with opiate drugs. Some signs are physical and may be obvious. Other signs can be behavioral and more difficult to detect. The main sign? Continuing to use opiates despite negative consequences. Here are some of the key ways you can recognize a problem with an opiate.

Physical signs and symptoms:

Abusing opiate medications (crushing, snorting, smoking or injecting).

Signs of use including dilated pupils, sedation, or slowed breathing.

Physical craving for opiates.

Increasing dose amounts or frequencies in order to get the same initial effect.

Extreme mood swings, sleeping problems, or issues with weight.

Behavioral signs and symptoms:

Running out of medications before it’s time for a prescription refill.

Doctor shopping (going to multiple doctors in order to obtain opioid prescriptions)

Prioritizing the use of opiates over other important obligations at home, work, school.

Purchasing opiates through illicit channels, on the street, or through the internet.

REMEMBER: Recognizing these signs of opiate addiction is not something to be ashamed of. In fact, they may signal that you need to seek professional help regarding a drug problem. After all, addiction is a medical condition that can be treated medically. Getting over the fear can be as easy a making one phone call to reach out for help from a compassionate listener.

—–

Ready to quit opiates RIGHT NOW? Call 1-877-721-2951. Free and Confidential help is available 24/7.

—–

Addiction prevention

If you carefully follow your doctor’s instructions on how to take your painkiller medication, the chances of becoming addicted are lower. Following doctors’ orders is truly beneficial. Why? Because each medication is prescribed in amounts and forms that are considered appropriate and safe for you.

However, addiction is rarely predictable. For this reason, you should communicate any issues or concerns with your doctor. Here are some other tips that can help.

TIP 1: Consult your doctor if you think you’re developing tolerance. S/He may recommend a brief taper or even cessation of dosing.

TIP 2: Avoid combining opiates with alcohol, antihistamines, anti-anxiety drugs, and sleep aids. The depressant effects of combined drugs are enhanced and multiplied when you take two drugs at the same time.

TIP 3: Report a history of substance abuse in yourself or a family member or an addictive personality…BEFORE you start taking an opiate drug. This way, you can mitigate risk TOGETHER.

TIP 4: Report any of the warning signs of addiction – especially euphoric effect – to your doctor. Honesty is the number one factor to preventing an addiction…or catching it in its early stages.

Still have questions?

If we haven’t answered your question(s) about opiate addiction, please post them in the comments section below. We welcome your questions and try to respond personally and promptly. In case we don’t know the response to your question, we will refer you to professionals who can help.

Reference sources: NIDA: Prescription Pain Medications

FDA: Opioid Medications

NIH: Prescription Drug Abuse

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