#Writer pains

[rae-butter]

Honestly, I love it when characters relapse. When someone who’s gotten over their anger issues falls into a situation so out of their depth they fall back on their old habits. When someone who’s learned to open up becomes a recluse again in order to cope with something outside their control.

There’s just something so horrible, so toxic, about watching a character grow and then slip back into their old selves in order to cope, bc you know they still care, that they’re the same inside, but watching them hurt so hard they don’t know what else to do brings a sense of catharsis.

[star-struck09]

I fear the sadness will consume me alive one day.

[inkskinned]

you know, you know. no gods, no masters, no kings on pedestals. everyone is fallible. death of the author. you know! you are balanced about your intake of media - you allow the wiggle room, the grace, the gratitude, the skepticism. nobody above criticism.

but still. a weird gut-punch feeling, something akin to betrayal. you read the article. surprise! an author you love is actually: a serial fucking predator.

well, shit. what now. no, you knew he was a person (all people are), but now you're wondering - what have i overlooked by accident? what messages have i internalized that are strange and cruel? and also, like, what the fuck?

his actions lay a thick glaze on top of everything. like each place is now ruined, opaque in a new way. but okay, fine, you've done this before. you knew better, right? you've been betrayed by many a cherished childhood author.

still, this stickiness. fuck. can you pick up that book again. will you read it to your children. you've recommended it to others - will you ever do that again? and of course, of course, no parasocial relationships. you were theoretically above this kind of sentiment. but the artist informs the art, right.

so it's not something as clear-cut as feeling he owed you, specifically (a stranger) better behavior - just that you kind of, in a distant and odd way... sort of trusted him to do better. it's not like a real trust or something speakable, just the faint hope that the product (good books) was a thin representation of the soul. now it feels like the product (good? books?) was a mask. in some small or insignificant way, your previous support of this person lent them power. your money and your time and your laughter.

and the thing is - you have this terrible, echoing sensation. how many times will this happen? over and over. you find out that the singer you love is actually a predator. you learn over drinks that your favorite high school english teacher is in jail for what he did to her. you listen to the news idly and suddenly discover that a woman you used to idolize has been abusing her kids for an actual eon.

what can you touch without the static melting off. you can't even really complain about it too much (you were supposed to know better, and besides, you don't want the same re-split "it's not your fault, love what you love" basic advice), but now it's here. somehow, it feels like - you let him into your life.

it's not that things need to be pure or an artist has to be like, endlessly perfect, mindful. demure. it's more just this terrible truth that has been replayed through your veins so often it feels criminally vain. power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. did you want any one person to be worth that power?

it's just that he wrote books where he seemed to understand that. he seemed to know about hierarchies and unfair systems and bigotry and privilege. you thought they were books about what it means to struggle. you thought they were about having power and still using it for good rather than for control. he spooned you a narrative of being a good guy, a kind soul. you fucking bought what that fucking monster sold.

maybe that's why they were fantasies, after all.

[lazylittledragon]

mombin pt 9!! it's been too long i'm sorry

(1)(2)(3)(4)(5)(6)(7)(8)

[delirium-mind]

I miss the way I viewed the world before I knew too much about it

[notthatdom]

Some people be like " I want become your peace " and then become " a piece of shit " for you

[incorrectbatfam]

One thing I rarely see in injury and chronic pain fics is the grief that comes with missing out on stuff you love because you can no longer do them without hurting yourself. Writers who have been disabled their whole lives (or at least a long time) tend to forget that not all disabled people are used to being disabled. For able-bodied characters, especially athletic ones like vigilantes, a serious injury could mean a jarring change that includes giving up the things that mean the most to them.

I was physically fine until I was 18. Back then, my sense of self was entwined with interests that required a lot of movement and dexterity. I started doing MMA in middle school for self-defense. I loved parkour and even had a few hundred subscribers on my old YouTube channel. I learned to shoot and was gifted my first gun when I was 16. I took up multiple instruments. You get the idea.

My motorcycle accident fucked up the joints on my left side—my knee and shoulder especially, but also wrist to an extent. When it first happened, I thought I'd be on crutches for a bit but things would eventually get back to normal. The pain didn't go away even after I got rid of the crutches but I figured it was just residual and I should do what I'd been doing before. It's why I turned to substances—to block the pain and do what I love, but that's another topic. I didn't recognize my injury as a disabling thing until the end of the pandemic, when I put my parkour channel on an indefinite hiatus because it was seriously wearing my body down. It might sound silly to you but I was devastated. It's like if Spider-Man wasn't allowed to swing from buildings. It took me a long time to make peace with losing that part of me.

Another piece of that grief is even when you can do stuff, it's not the same because you have to exclude certain aspects of it for your own health. It's like the Robin that died and came back wrong. I can't use certain gym equipment and I have to tell my sparring partners what to avoid. I don't go to the shooting range much now because I can't extend my arm and hold a rifle for the amount of time it takes to aim without it starting to hurt. I'm a drummer, but I need breaks throughout the setlist and I can't do anything too fast or complex with the pedals, which means I can't play some of my favorite songs and my band is limited in what we write and perform. I can't take my motorcycle on road trips without frequent rest stops. Making accommodations helps physically, but emotionally, they're not always easy to accept because that means accepting the pain as a long-term disability rather than a temporary setback.

This got super long because I think it's unexplored in fics so some tips for creators:

First, learn how the body works and how stupidly fast and easy it is to get hurt. Mine was on a residential road because I didn't pay attention for 0.2 seconds

Learn the difference between internalized ableism and being upset over becoming disabled. I think a lot of writers skip over the feelings someone would naturally experience because it can be construed as ableism. Let them be in denial, sad, angry, etc. upon finding out because acceptance almost never happens right away. That's different from being a dick to themselves or others based on disability

Also, not everyone uses the same labels or has the same vocabulary to describe themselves. Different characters will have different ways of describing depending on their personality, level of knowledge, where they come from, and their relationship with their disability. I still don't really call myself disabled since I don't have it as bad as others so I tell people what happened instead (anyone who says "differently abled" will receive a different ability from me in the Denny's parking lot)

Think about how they cope with their new disability. Do they realize it's a disability right away? Do they talk to someone? Search desperately for a cure? Numb the pain? Turn to alternative methods? Do they worry about something else first, like money? Do they develop something else because of it, like a mental illness? Again, coping poorly is not ableism

What stays the same and what changes? I think about the difference between Forrest Gump and Lieutenant Dan after they were both wounded in battle

If they have a passion they can no longer pursue, it doesn't make much sense for them drop it so readily. Maybe they find a way to continue with accommodations (a good place to get creative!). Maybe they try and push through anyway. If they do ultimately resign, include the thought process and internal conflict behind it

[armageddidnt]

I’ve been reading so much Ineffable Husbands fanfic on AO3 lately I thought it was time to put this bad boy together. Hope you can find something entertaining/relatable here XD

[petricorah]

scenes i loved from Real Enough to Get Me Through by @marriedzukka <333 [ids in alt]

[i-will-write]

i love writing

[star-struck09]

I hope life is kinder to you today than yesterday.

[caffeine-and-computers]

being a writer is spelling disembowelment correctly on the first try but somehow always screwing up definitliely

[masterwords]

1x08 | 2x02 | 5x15 | 10x05

quiet everyone, hotch is telling us a story. (because the writers never did.)

[rhiandoesfandom]

Me: I'm feeling so creative today! I wanna draw, I wanna write, I wanna create! I wanna play games!

My disability: mhmm thats great but I have strict plans for you to have a six hour long migraine where you're crying in bed and so nauseous you can't eat anything. Sooooooo.

[ineedhjalp]

*cradles fictional character’s face in my hands* *gently kisses their forehead* i’m going to make you wish you were never born

[nibbelraz]

if you have more yqy + baby thoughts i would love to hear them ouo

I DO I REALLY DO THANK YOU ANON

I was talking with @/artsarasp about it a couple days ago but I just keep thinking about how Yue Qingyuan finding out that he's pregnant after either having a one time heat of the moment fling with Shen Jiu (he can never think fo Shen Jiu as a fling, it was everything to him) OR he's pregnant from some plant that involved both of there DNA. I like the idea they had a heated moment because already with that Yue Qingyuan would be riddled with guilt about how much he misses Shen Jiu, How he's always wanted to be close to him like that and how he can't ever get that again and how he failed him so he should've never been able to have something like that even for a moment how dare he, How dare he even think of wanting an OUNCE of anything from Shen Jiu after leaving him

And then he's pregnant. He's witn Mu Qingfang. He promises not to say anything to anyone especially because it can put the Sect Master at risk. Especially when he can see how Yue Qingyuan goes white as a sheet after telling him the news.

Yue Qingyuan would be silent. Thinking. He can't tell him. He's already taken so much from him, he's already abandoned him, he's already hurt him so much what would he think of this? He'd never speak to him again, he can handle yelling, the comments, the glare but if he was to never see Shen Jiu again he'd be nothing. He doesn't want to get rid of it the fact he has something of his and his Xiao Jiu he selfishly wants this baby as proof that they were something once, for a time. For a moment. It's not the right reasons to have a child by far and he knows it but he refuses to do anything to stop it.

Mu Qingfang would tell him what he needs and what to do and how they'd try to keep it a secret from everyone but Yue Qingyuan is half listening he has to think of how to hide this from everyone for life.

I keep also thinking about after he has the baby. Successfully without Shen Jiu knowing, except his baby has those eyes, those beautifully sharp eyes that he's used to looking at him with contempt. But on his baby they're wide with curiosity and grabbing at him with such a tenderness its making him want to scream.

Ah but I'm a softie and I physically cannot let a bad ending happen so I feel like of course Shen Jiu would find out. I'm not sure how but he does and it's more gut wrenching than Yue Qingyuan can imagine because he think he hid his own son away from him because he doesn't trust him or that he hates him so much he can't even allow a vulnerability like this. I'm sorry i don't know how but AFTER HARDSHIP AND PAIN AND TIME THEY ARE A HAPPY FAMILY YAY!!!!!