#Williams I will always hate you for taking his JOY

[aaron04jpg]

“Very different environment than I’m used to”

[whore-era]

never meant to be

☁︎ ellie x fem!reader ☁︎ summary: in which you and ellie go through the heartbreaking realization that love is never fair. ☁︎ warnings/themes: cheating (ellie cheats on current gf with you), dina is your sister, heartbreak/forbidden love, not a happy ending, familial issues | fingering/thighriding (r!recieving), use of strap, fem anatomy ☁︎ a/n: hi. don't hate me lol. sometimes i write stories like this to feel a little something. also it's 2:30 am and i have to be in class by 7:00am so this is not proofread lol. there will be NO part two. ☁︎ word count: 9,800 words aka my longest fic yet

for as long as you could remember, you were always in dina's shadow.

despite you being the youngest daughter, dina was your parent's pride and joy. she was the smartest and prettiest daughter, who never failed to win the family's attention.

dina was the 'perfect' daughter in your parent's eyes. she followed in mom's footsteps and won prom queen 3 years in a row and was crowned 1st place as miss wyoming since she was 14 in the annual pageant every year. last year, she got accepted to yale university with the intention of going to law school and becoming a criminal lawyer just like father.

your parents were set on having two extremely intelligent daughters who attended ivy league colleges and strived for an above-average career like an award-winning surgeon or a ground-breaking research scientist.

but that wasn't you. at all.

from a young age, you were always attracted to art — such as sculptures, paintings, murals, and various types of music. you had a keen eye for things more abstract, which always set you apart from your own family.

sure, math and science were subjects that came easily to you, and you had no difficulty with keeping straight A's at school, but you always knew you wanted to do something different than what was set for you.

despite being the black sheep of the family, you did find yourself envying dina. she had the bigger room, nicer clothes, a car, and always got money whenever she asked mom and dad for it. it was hard not to be jealous.

especially since she started bringing ellie williams around.

dina met ellie during her freshman year at yale, and the two hit it off. they officially became a couple this summer, and with the approval of our parents, ellie followed dina back home and agreed to stay the entire summer with her and the family.

from the first moment you met ellie, you were smitten.

it was the first week of summer, and you were relishing in all the much-needed vacation time, knowing by the time summer was over, you would be on your way to los angeles for college.

you were relaxing in bed with your copy of 'pride & prejudice', reading it for probably the 70th time. from your bedroom, you can hear a car pulling up in the driveway followed by your mother's loud voice yelling "welcome home!!", and then slamming car doors. getting up from your comfortable position, you drew the linen curtains to the side and took a peek out your window, down at the driveway.

from above, you could see mother taking dina in her arms, giving her a hug and placing a kiss on her forehead.

your eyes drift to father, and to the girl he was shaking hands with.

she was unlike anyone you've ever seen. her short brunette hair was cut short, hanging right at her neck in the style of a mullet. her slender arms revealed one tattoo on her right forearm that was visible underneath the folded flannel layered over a plain white t-shirt.

she held this charming aura about her, evident by how your father let out a hearty laugh as he gently nudged her on the shoulder. this woman must've been impressive because it was a rarity to see your father laugh, let alone when first meeting someone.

as dina grabbed the girl's hand to drag her inside the house, her eyes flickered up toward you, lingering on you for a little too long.

-

"so, ellie, tell us. what are you studying at yale?" your father's deep voice resonated throughout the dinner table.

"ugh, daaaad, please. no more interrogating my girlfriend," dina groaned out, "you're gonna scare her away, and we've only been together a month!"

"i was just asking a question, sweetie. no need to fret," your dad interjected as he took another bite of chicken.

ellie cleared her throat before putting her fork down, "uh, i'm actually in a computer science program— i'm in the works of developing my own software."

father's eyes widened, "wow! how impressive! what kind of software is it?"

"it's actually a type of software used by government agencies to store highly classified government documents, sir," ellie added, "it keeps unverified users locked out of the servers so they don't access the documents unless they recognize the IP address, and the software reports any unknown addresses back towards us to be monitored for criminal activity."

your ears would usually tune out the boring conversations held at the dinner table, but you couldn't help but be completely absorbed in everything ellie was saying and it only left you wanting to know more.

"how exciting! glad dina found someone who's doing something significant with their life," your father complimented, "unlike our youngest."

"such a shame. you graduated top of the class this year, yet you want to attend art school." your father's eyes bore into the side of your face as you pretended not to notice his words, distracting yourself by poking at the cold piece of broccoli on the expensive china plate.

"art school is cool too," ellie complimented, "what are you majoring in?"

you picked your head up, surprised by ellie's sudden interest in your studies. you were used to everyone else asking about dina and talking about dina and would compare you to dina. it was exhausting.

"um— fine arts. i'm also minoring in graphic design," you managed to squeak out, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

"and what are you planning to do with that, young lady?" your dad prodded in his signature stern voice, "you're 18 years old, almost 19, you have to start thinking about your future seriously."

you take the glass of water, and take a sip from it, suppressing that urge to cry from his words, "okay, father."

your mother places a hand on your dad's shoulder, attempting to calm him down, "honey, not at the dinner table."

he doesn't say anything else, and continues eating his dinner, whereas you lost your appetite a long time ago, and are no longer feeling in the mood to be around your family for another second.

the fork falls from your hands, creating a clinging sound against the ceramic dish. "may i be excused?" you tremble, ignoring the burning gaze from the brunette's eyes. you couldn't put into words the humiliation you felt at this moment, and you couldn't bear to look at dina's mocking smirk or at ellie's pitiful stare.

"okay, sweetie. goodnight." your mother murmured. you got up from the chair, and scurried out of the dining room, wanting nothing more but to curl up under your covers and lay in dark silence.

as you ascend up the stairs, you can hear dina continuing the conversation as if nothing ever happened, laughter and jokes ensuing in your absence.

-

the past two weeks with ellie in the house was an adjustment you had to get used to.

there have been a few occasions where you'd forget to lock the bathroom door, and bam, ellie barges in. luckily, she was a gentlewoman and always covered her eyes even though you were fully clothed. but it was extremely awkward, to say the least.

one morning, you thought the house was empty and took the opportunity to blast your favorite pussycat dolls song and belt out the chorus while shaking your hips around in the living room, only to find ellie looking down at you from the top of the stairs with an amused expression on her face.

needless to say, you put an end to your one-woman concerts and kept them in the privacy of your bedroom.

it was currently 2:45am, and you just wrapped up a painting you started this morning. the house was still and silent, and no one else but you were awake during this time of night.

feeling the gurgle and rumble of your belly, you take off your headphones and tiptoe down the stairs. with your socked feet pitter-pattering on the cold tile of the kitchen, you opened the door to the fridge and scanned the shelves for a tasty late-night snack.

"hmmm...." you hummed, "strawberries and cream might do the trick." you pulled out the bowl of strawberries and a tub of cool whip, and sat down on the tile, opening the lid, and dipping the berry in the creamy topping.

you were about 5 berries deep before you heard a voice clearing their throat, causing you to jump in your spot.

"isn't it a little too late to be eating dessert?" ellie queries. she was in a grey hoodie and plain grey sweatpants with half of her hair tied up. it was evident she probably just woke up, and a part of you felt a little guilty that you possibly were the reason for that.

unable to speak with a mouthful of fruit, you slowly shake your head left and right, eliciting a chuckle from the brunette.

"alright, no judgment here." ellie puts her hands up, "can i join you?"

swallowing the lump of red fruit down your throat, you respond, "sorry, yeah. of course," you hold up the bowl of berries, "want some?"

the girl crouches down and sits next to you on the floor, grabbing a strawberry and dipping it in the cool whip, then taking it all in one bite.

she chews momentarily before shaking her head in satisfaction, "not bad, not bad. never tried this combination before."

"really? i've had this snack for years, ever since i was a little girl," you smile, "it was my dad's favorite snack growing up..."

your voice trailed off as you reminisced about the earlier years when life was easier and you didn't have the pressure of worrying about college or career aspirations. all you and dina worried about was grilled cheeses and finding your bratz doll's missing feet.

ellie spoke again, "were you close with your dad growing up?"

you bit your lip, the sweet taste of strawberry and whipped cream present upon the skin, "yeah. we were," you laughed dryly, "we used to watch those cheesy law and order SVU shows all the time."

"yeah?"

"mhm," you hummed, "they were always entertaining to me. he thought that it'd eventually influence me to become a lawyer like him. he always said that we'd become the dynamic duo or whatever and that we'd kick ass in court."

ellie sat intently, watching you, listening to you as you told her this memory. from the moment she first met you when she got here, she knew you were quite the opposite of dina. dina was type A. she was occasionally uptight, a bit boring, and not really fit for ellie. ellie was chill and was a 'go by the flow' person, which was one thing dina hated about her. don't get her wrong, ellie liked dina, and she liked how dina was funny and smart, but she didn't really see them lasting long-term.

it was shitty. it was shitty how ellie didn't see herself being with dina for that long, and it was worse that ellie didn't have the guts to tell her.

but, for her own selfish reasons, ellie didn't want to tell dina, not yet anyways. she gravitated toward you and often found herself staring at you for a little too long during meals at the table and thinking about what you were doing in the next room over while dina was cuddled up in her arms.

ellie knew this was a bad idea. she could not get attached to her girlfriend's sister. it was nothing but a recipe for disaster.

but ellie was only human. she couldn't help her ever growing curiosity.

"you didn't want to be a lawyer?" ellie asked.

you shook your head, "hell, no. looks stressful and boringgggg," you sang out.

ellie laughed, "yeah, can't disagree with you there. dina tells me it involves lots of reading."

"yea, i'm good." you giggle, "what about you? have you always known that you wanted to work with computers 'n stuff?"

"i guess. i was always a 'nerd' and all that bullshit. loved watching sci-fi movies and shows and i'm also a huge gamer so—" ellie began, "i can't imagine myself not doing anything else other than techie shit."

you nod, putting another cream-covered berry in your mouth, "that makes sense. at least you're passionate about what you do."

"yeah, i guess," ellie snacks on another strawberry, "how 'bout you? you're an artist?"

you cover your mouth to muffle a laugh, "i wouldn't call myself an artist. but i do love painting. it's all i ever want to do."

"then it wouldn't be too much if i could ask to see some of your art."

your eyes widen, and you nearly choke on the fruity snack. "what?" your voice almost comes out sounding shocked.

"yeah, i mean, i'd love to see some of your stuff," ellie looked toward you with a sly smile.

"um, no," you laugh, "my parents haven't even seen some of my work."

you were hesitant to show anyone any of your artwork, and only allowing your best pieces to be kept in the security of your personal portfolio, only to be viewed by colleges for applications and such.

"aww, c'mon. i wanna see."

you huff, "maybe."

ellie smirked, "i'll take what i can get," she continues, "besides, think of me as....an art critic."

you let out a giggle, "oh yeah?"

the night progresses and you and ellie get lost in conversation, talking until 4am about life and whatnot. ellie was an easygoing person to talk to. she never seemed to judge you for any of your own opinions, and it felt like she was actually interested in what you had to say. it felt like you've known her for years, even though it's only been a matter of weeks.

you could already see the rays of orange peeking up from the navy, blue sky. it was already early morning.

"we should probably head back upstairs," you suggest, nodding your head towards the window, "the sun's gonna rise....and dina'll wake up soon."

it was like clockwork. dina woke up every morning at 6:30 am, never earlier nor later. you definitely did not want her to catch you and ellie here, alone and together.

for a moment, ellie forgot that she was here with dina. it was fucking terrible and she felt guilty, but she really liked spending the night talking with you and she knew she needed to do it again.

"uh— no, yeah, of course," ellie stood up first, holding out a hand to help you up next.

you took her warm hand in yours and hoisted yourself up until you were stable on your feet.

"thanks," you murmur.

"yeah, no problem."

ellie didn't pull her hand away, and neither did you. it was like your hands were two pieces of a puzzle, fitting perfectly in the spaces of each other's fingers.

realizing what was happening, you quickly pulled your hand away from hers, "uh—"

"fuck, sorry," ellie stammered, "i'm getting— um— awfully tired."

good excuse, ellie thought to herself.

"it's fine, no worries. let's head upstairs," you lead the way up toward the stairs with ellie alongside you. you stop in front of your bedroom door and ellie stops in front of dina's, her hand lingering on the doorknob.

"yeah?"

"um— just wanted to say goodnight, ellie." you smile at her, and she returns the favor.

"goodnight." ellie whispers, and you both head inside.

with dina still fast asleep, ellie crawls into bed next to her. she pulls the blanket close to her body, and turning away from her sleeping girlfriend, a small smile makes its way across her face as her mind drifts to you and how you were just a few feet away, a wall being the only thing separating you both.

and as you crawl into the comfort of your own bed, you couldn't help the wide smile that curls upon your lips as you thought about ellie, and how badly you wanted to talk to her again, ignoring the fact that she was probably laid up against your sister's body, holding her close.

it was an unfortunate thing — the slow formation of the connection between two people who were right for each other but were bound by the fate of knowing deep inside the chance of them being together was just not a possibility.

-

ellie could not get herself to fall asleep. she's been here for weeks, yet found herself tossing or turning in bed, never sleeping soundly for more than 3 hours at a time.

it happened again tonight. she fell asleep at 11:00pm, and here she was, wide awake at 3:00am.

she never knew how dina could do it— how she could make her body sleep at the same time, and stay asleep until morning.

ellie blamed it on the idea that her body wasn't adjusted to being at dina's house with her family. she thought that spending her summer vacation with dina's family would be fun and that it would be a good getaway from all the stress at school.

but ellie fucking hated your dad. from the first night she met him, she hated how he talked down to you. he was an asshole. it was obvious to ellie that he favored dina, and she knew it was only because she was following the same career path he was on. ellie didn't agree with how he felt about you at all, and desperately wished she could say something to him, but she thought it'd be best to not interfere...for now.

sighing, ellie took the covers off and quietly walked towards the door, slowly opening it and gently closing it.

she didn't know what the hell compelled her to walk over to your bedroom door, but before she had any time to even consider her actions, her fist planted three soft knocks on the surface.

ellie thought you must've been fast asleep by now, but a small part of her hoped that you would still be awake.

you swung your bedroom door open, unsure who would be knocking on your door at this hour, but was relieved to see it was ellie, "oh, hey."

ellie's eyes trailed up and down your body, taking you in and letting her eyes rake over the way your sleep shirt hangs loosely off your shoulder and how your cotton shorts stop mid-thigh.

she had to force her eyes back up on your face, and she was beating herself up for even letting her look at you that way, like a piece of meat.

"uh- er- sorry, i was just—" ellie stuttered, "i couldn't sleep."

you nod slowly, and step aside to let her inside your room.

god, this was such a bad idea.

after letting her inside, you close the door and lock it. walking back over towards your bed, you plop down on the mattress as ellie awkwardly stands in the middle of your room.

"you can sit down, you know," you giggle, and ellie shrugs and chooses to sit on your swiveling desk chair.

silence fills the air for a moment before ellie speaks up first.

"were you busy?"

you shake your head, "nope, was just reading a book."

"ahh, okay," ellie was silent for a moment before speaking again, "sorry again, for uh— bothering you."

"you didn't bother me," you laugh, "i'm usually up around this time anyways, jus' doing whatever."

ellie nods and turns the chair to face your desk where she sees your black leather sketchbook. her fingers open the book to a random page, and it was a sketch of a cat napping on a window sill in incredible detail.

the sound of pages flipping caught your attention, and you immediately jump to your feet as the realization hits you.

"hey! my sketchbook!" your hands quickly try to snatch the book from her hands, but ellie was faster, and got up and held the black book up and out of your reach. to your loss, ellie had the advantage of being a couple inches taller than you were, which made it extremely difficult for you to get to your book.

"these are amazing! let me just look through them a little bit longer—" ellie says, flipping through the pages of all the sketches you made, "holy shit— is that— is that me?"

your eyes grow wider, and you could feel the sweat seeping out of your pores, "give that back!"

you jump and try to grab the book, but ellie has this annoying smirk on her face as she holds the book high above her head, knowing you wouldn't be able to grab ahold of it due to your shorter stature.

"ugh, seriously?" you whine, flushing red in embarrassment, feeling like she just read an extremely personal section of your diary. in a way, your sketchbook was your diary.

"let me take a picture of my sketch and i'll give it back to you, deal?" ellie attempted to negotiate with you, but you narrowed your eyes at her, really not wanting her to have any evidence of your sketch at all. but she doesn't seem like the type to take no for an answer.

luckily, you were quite the trickster yourself. it's a youngest child thing.

you huff, "fine."

ellie smiles with pride, and as she lowers her arm to put the sketchbook down, you act fast and seize the book. but before you succeed, ellie snatches it back, and suddenly she's falling back onto your bed. you fail to steady yourself, following suit and landing on top of her, your forehead thumping against hers.

"ouch."

both of your eyes meet, and for a second, everything stands still. you and ellie don't move, afraid that whatever happens next, it'll end up with you both in a compromising situation.

"i— uh—" you sputter, "sorry." you quickly scramble up to your feet, getting off of her, and standing back to create some distance.

the absence of your body made ellie feel cold, but she pushed that feeling to the side and stood on her own two feet, handing you your sketchbook.

"thanks," you take the book from her hands and stuff it in the top left drawer of your dresser, where it usually is anyways.

"you know, those were really good," ellie mutters, scratching the back of her neck, "especially the one of me."

heat rises to your face once again, "it was from the day i saw you in the driveway— when you first got here with dina."

she nods, "i can tell, 's really good though. i swear."

you blush, "thanks," you think of something quick to change the subject, wanting to stray away from your sketch of her, still reeling in the embarrassment of her finding out.

"wanna watch the office?"

4:58am

you know what? imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so i thank you.

"god, i love dwight so much, dude," ellie laughs, throwing a chip in her mouth as she watches jim's character pull out the bobblehead and place it on his desk.

identity theft is not a joke, jim! millions of families suffer every year!

michael!

oh that's funny— michael!

you let out a sleepy giggle, cuddling your pillow. you and ellie had been on your bed with the show playing on your laptop for an hour already, while she munched away on a bag of chips you had in your room.

ellie turned her head to check on you, and she could tell by your heavy eyelids that you were about to knock out in any second, "you sleepy?"

"mhm," you manage to hum out.

she smiles, in awe at your cute, sleepy state.

"go 'head and sleep. i'll finish up this episode and let myself out when it's over," ellie murmurs. she unfolds the blanket that was sitting at the edge of your bed and places it over your body.

"you sure?" you ask, nearly half asleep.

"mhm. i'll be gone by the time you wake up." but you knew you didn't want ellie to be gone when you woke up and ellie didn't want to go either.

as the show continues to run, you close your eyes and fall into slumber.

you weren't sure what woke you up, but you did. you hear the sound of 'the office' theme song playing, causing you to stir slightly, but you were surprised by the pressure present around your waist.

you sit up a bit, and you see ellie fast asleep, with her arm wrapped tightly around your waist, spooning you.

you look at the clock next to your bed and read the time: 6:23 am.

the air is sucked out from your lungs. dina is gonna be up soon.

"ellie! wake up!" you whisper quite loudly in her ear, shaking her awake. she doesn't wake up, and just groans, pulling you back to hold you again.

ignoring the butterflies going rampant in your belly, you attempt to wake her up again, "ellie! please, wake up," you shake her arm, "dina's gonna wake up in any minute."

ellie's green eyes open, and for a moment she's glad it's your face she sees when she wakes up, until the realization dawns on her.

"shit, shit, shit," ellie curses, getting off your bed and standing up, "i have to go."

and she exits your bedroom, leaving you alone in your bed only with the memory of waking up in her arms.

as ellie slowly and quietly enters dina's bedroom, she's relieved by the sight of dina's body still fast asleep. she gets back in bed and turns away from her, trying to calm her fast heart rate down.

on cue, dina's alarm clock goes off at 6:30 am sharp. ellie can feel dina turning and shutting off her alarm clock, and then she scootches closer and wraps her arms around ellie's body, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"morning, babe," dina whispers, and ellie shuts her eyes, pretending she's still asleep.

ellie lets out a mumbled 'morning' sounding groan and nestles her face into the pillow. she feels dina get up from bed and head into the bathroom to begin her morning routine, leaving ellie alone, wishing she had you wrapped up in her arms instead.

-

two days had gone by and you barely talked to ellie, sharing nothing but longing glances and brushes of fingers when you handed her a plate during meal times.

you didn't purposely intend to avoid ellie, but your mother had filled your agenda with errands for your 19th birthday party this weekend. you had to go talk to the caterers, talk to the florist, get fitted for a dress, buy new shoes, send out invitations— it was all so tedious and tiring, but you didn't want to make your mother upset by disappointing her.

the contractors were currently setting up the house with decorations and such for the party, and ellie was outside in the backyard with father, helping the rest of the workers set up a stage and other things needed.

you hated hot days, especially ones like these, where the air was scorching and dry. but you couldn't complain today, ellie was in a tight, white tank top showing off her muscular biceps and arms. you couldn't help but stare a little longer, trailing your eyes over the beads of sweat that would roll down her neck.

thank god for hot days like this one.

"honey, will you please do me a favor and bring out this tray of refreshments to everyone outside please?" your mother handed you a tray of cold drinks and fresh fruit.

"of course," you smooth out your sundress and take the tray from her hands, walking out of the kitchen and through the open doors leading to the backyard patio.

you walk over toward where they were working and set down the tray, "here are some cold drinks everyone."

your father and the workers mutter a quick thank you and take the offerings, sipping on the chilled drinks and talking amongst themselves.

however, what ellie needed wasn't a cold refreshment or a fruity snack. in fact, the only thing she could think of that would help ellie in this heat right now was you.

she couldn't tear her eyes away from the way your tits looked, the way the fabric hugged the soft, pillowy flesh. she definitely couldn't look away when you walked back towards the house, only wishing she can run her hands over the smooth skin of your thighs, grabbing on your ass.

the way you made ellie sweat was incomparable to the sun's radiating heat.

"excuse me, i'm gonna use the bathroom," ellie muttered, making her way back inside the house.

as you neared the kitchen, you overhear your mother's conversation with dina.

"yeah, we'll be leaving a little early. i have stuff to do back on campus," dina's voice remarks.

"oh, that's too bad. i really like having you both here," your mother pouts, "when are you and ellie leaving?"

"the day after the party," dina replies, "it'll give us time to rest and pack up."

your heart sank in your chest. ellie was leaving? and so soon?

you ran back inside the house, jogging up the stairs, not wanting dina or your mother to see the tears watering in your eyes.

"sweetie? you okay?" your mother yells out from the kitchen.

"uh, yeah! just need to get something from my room!"

you make a bee-line to the bathroom and shut the door behind you, looking at your reflection in the mirror, and letting yourself break down in tears.

something like this was bound to happen. you knew ellie wouldn't stay here forever, and you would be leaving for college. but why did this hurt so bad?

you hear the bathroom door open, and you quickly wipe your eyes.

"e-ellie?"

the brunette was surprised to see you in the bathroom at first, knowing you did have a habit of leaving the door unlocked sometimes, but that all went away and concern washed over her as she noticed your tear-filled eyes and red, stuffy nose.

"hey, hey, hey," she whispers as she takes a few steps toward you, "what's wrong?"

you blink a couple times, a tear falling down your cheek. you hesitated to answer her question.

"you know you can tell me anything, right?" ellie coos, her hands soothingly rubbing up and down your arms.

you nod, and bite your lip, thinking of how to word your response correctly, "d-dina said you both were leaving after my b-birthday."

ellie softens and an evident look of disappointment appears on her face, "yeah, we are."

you wipe your nose, looking up at her with glossy eyes, "it feels like you just got here and— and—" you sniffle, "you're leaving already."

ellie's heart soars understanding that you were upset because she was leaving. "i know and i'm sorry," she snakes her arms around your waist, pulling you close to her, "i wish i met you sooner."

ellie wished she met you first, she would actually have a chance at giving you both a shot without the guilt of betraying dina.

you bury your face into her shirt, the scent of her perfume wafting in your nostrils. god, there was just so much to do and so little time.

you pull your head back to get a good look at her face, to memorize her features, and sear them into your brain.

your eyes fell to her lips, and before you could even form a single thought, you leaned forward and pressed your lips against hers.

ellie instinctively pulled you closer by your waist, kissing back, moving her lips slowly with yours.

you slowly try to pull away from her lips, but she brings you back in for more, her grip on your waist never releasing.

"ellie," you breathe out, but it comes out sounding more like a moan, "w-we can't," you whine, "d-dina's here."

fuck. she stops, and pulls away from your lips, leaning her forehead against yours for a brief moment.

ellie plants a small kiss on your forehead, before letting you go and exiting the bathroom, leaving you alone once again.

-

"happy birthday, dear," the lady greets, leaning to give you a kiss on your cheekbone, "19 is such a fun age, don't take advantage of it, alright, hun?"

"sure," you hum, smiling back as the lady retreats back to the party, getting lost in the sea of people.

you had no idea who she was. actually, you didn't know a lot of the people here. a bunch of them were your father's associates from the law firm, some of your mom's book club members, and dina's friends from high school.

it was your birthday party, but your parents never turned down the idea of hosting a celebration if it was an excuse to mingle and network.

you head upstairs toward the balcony and step outside to the cool, summer night, leaning against the railing. you took a deep breath in, briefly closing your eyes in an attempt to gather your thoughts and clear your head.

"not enjoying the party?"

the sound of the voice causes you to spin in your spot, and you're met with ellie standing at the doorway. she was dressed in a white, collared dress shirt that was slightly unbuttoned at the top, with black slacks. her hair was down, in her signature mullet. you could tell she'd been drinking, as her eyes appeared dazed and she seemed more relaxed.

"uh— it was getting hot and stuffy in there," you tore your eyes away from her, "i just needed some air."

ellie sauntered over, standing next to you and placing her arms against the rail. her eyes raked over your body, drinking in how absolutely gorgeous you looked in your dress.

"you look beautiful tonight."

heat rose to your cheeks, and luckily the blush you wore today camouflaged the deepening crimson fading on your cheeks, "thanks."

"you always look beautiful, but you know, it's your birthday tonight and i had to remind you."

it was possible that ellie's words just fell from her lips because she was slightly inebriated, but it was true. ellie thought you were the most beautiful thing this earth could offer. you were the closest thing to heaven on earth.

but ellie couldn't have you, and without you, she was in her own personal hell.

you cleared your throat, attempting to wave off the tension in the air, "are you enjoying the party?"

she shrugged, "yeah, it's okay. i mean— dina's been introducing me to all your dad's friends and shit, trying to show me off like some kind of fuckin' trophy or something." she lets out a harsh laugh, "have you met my girlfriend ellie? she's a computer science engineer at yale! she's already done work for google and apple! isn't that so cool?"

ellie mocks dina's voice, and you can tell she has this slight bitterness to her. but you couldn't blame her for how she felt, dina only cared about the superficial things.

"oh...i'm sorry," you turn your head to face the view, "she's always been like that. trying to compete with everyone else and prove that she's better."

"yeah, i fucking hate that."

silence falls between you two again, and the elephant in the room couldn't be more obvious. it's been two days since the kiss in the bathroom occurred, and neither of you had even acknowledged it since then.

ellie would occasionally find herself thinking about the way your lips molded onto hers, and how she'd risk her relationship with dina just to experience it one more time. hell, she'd break up with dina.

it was hard for you to think about ellie without having the guilt bubble in your belly. you couldn't get ellie out of your head at all, and frequently spent those late nights fantasizing what it'd be like to be in dina's position, as ellie's girlfriend.

but, those feelings of shame always came to the surface and you tried to suppress them, pushing them into the dark corners of your mind, but as the day's progressed, it got harder and harder to do.

even being next to ellie made your body feel like it was on fire, and the urge to kiss her again was coming full throttle. you had to leave before you did something you both would regret.

"umm, i'll see you down there," you quickly sputter out before turning your heel to leave, but you felt ellie's hand grip your arm, stopping you.

"wait."

you force yourself to look at ellie, and your eyes connect with hers. your heart rate picked up, and suddenly the oxygen left your lungs. it was insane how one person could make you feel like this— like you could die if you were to let go.

"i—" ellie was about to let her heart speak for herself, and she was going to tell you everything. she was going to put her heart on the line and risk everything, for you."

"ellie! elllieee! where are yo— oh! there you are!" dina appeared at the doorway, a wide smile on her face as she finally found ellie. "where were you? i have to introduce you to this guy who works for this video game company! come on!"

before ellie can say anything, dina grabs her arm and drags ellie away.

the party happened and ended. you blew out your candles and cut the cake, and soon enough all the people left by midnight. dina was fast asleep on the couch in the living room downstairs, as the expensive, bubbly champagne had officially defeated your older sister.

your parents were asleep. dina was asleep. the only two people awake in the house was you and ellie, a deadly combination.

ellie was in the next room, intoxicated, and thinking about what her next moves were. she was leaving tomorrow and she knew that soon enough that you would be leaving for los angeles too, for college.

the thought of you possibly meeting someone new during college made her skin burn. ellie wanted to be that person for you, to be the one who made you laugh, to be the one who you called at the end of the day to tell her all about what happened in class, to be the one who gave you butterflies and made your heart flip.

fuck it, ellie thought, and the next thing she knew she was walking to your room and knocking on your door.

you swung the door open, and ellie swore she could've died and gone right to heaven. you were still in your birthday dress, but your hair was down, and you just looked like the most beautiful thing she'd seen in a long time. it was impossible that you were a real person.

"....ellie?" you spoke softly, and the sound of your voice knocked her out of her thoughts.

"huh? yeah— uh— fuck. sorry," ellie stammered, "can— can i come in?"

"sure."

you could smell the mixture of whiskey and her sandalwood perfume radiating off her body, and it was an addicting combination. you just wanted to bury your face in her neck and sniff her, as creepy as that did sound.

you sit down on the edge of your bed, crossing your legs, and ellie leans against your wall, with her hands stuffed in the pockets of her black slacks. she was still in her outfit, but the top of the buttons of her shirt were opened much wider, revealing a bit of skin.

silence falls in the room, and there was tension in the room. the room was beginning to feel humid and hot, and a small bead of sweat rolled down your temple.

ellie's eyes raked over you in your little dress, and how the dress bunches up just enough for her to get a peek of the sweet skin of your inner thighs, a paradise she's been dreaming of.

she wasn't sure if it was the little bit of alcohol still left in her system, but she could feel that familiar heat bubble in her core, making her feel even hotter.

"so, i was thinking, and i realized that i didn't say 'happy birthday' to you," ellie spoke softly, "i didn't even get you a gift."

your eyes widen, and you let out a small laugh, "it's fine, don't worry about it."

"nah, you've been so good to me, and— i mean— the least i could do is buy you something or take you out for dinner when me and dina come back for winter break."

your smile falters. when me and dina come back. the words echo throughout your head. me and dina. come back.

shaking your head, you try your best to respond without choking up, "i-it's okay..."

"what? don't be ridiculous-"

you cut her off, "it's f-fine, ellie," you breathe out, "i'm gonna head to bed now."

a pang hits ellie in the chest, and a look of hurt washes over her. "w-what? but i-"

you couldn't contain the jealousy that simmered in your belly, and it was partly due to the specialty cocktails you had tonight. you just had to have a midori sour.

"you and dina have to leave early tomorrow," you spat, with venom dripping off every word. it was enough to be noticed by ellie, and she received your message.

ellie doesn't say anything and her mind whirls in search of the words she wants to say.

after a few seemingly long minutes, she speaks up, "i think i'm gonna break up with dina."

your head snaps in her direction, your expression in utter disbelief, "what?"

ellie nods, "yeah."

"but, why?" you ask, "dina loves you and my family loves you—"

"dina is not who i want to be with."

you freeze, and your heart skips a beat.

"who do you want to be with?" you had an idea of who, but you played dumb, eager to hear her say the words.

"you."

time stops, and suddenly, everything feels like it's frozen in time, and the only two things that were present were you and ellie. for a moment, you let yourself imagine how things would be if she did break up with dina and went with you instead. of course, you would be over the moon being ellie's girlfriend, but at what cost?

dina would surely hate you if she already didn't and she'd make your life a living hell. and your parents? your dad would think you were a bigger disappointment, especially for ruining his perfect daughter's relationship.

you and ellie would face ultimate backlash, and wouldn't be on the receiving end of support from those close to you.

it pained you to think about it, but you had to be realistic.

"ellie......" you whispered, your voice coming out slightly strained, "i don't think we could be together."

ellie shakes her head, "we can. i'll break up with dina and— and— we'll have a long distance relationship and we'll come back—"

"and we'll be here? together? in front of dina and my parents?" you cut her off, hurt evident in your voice.

her demeanor faltered, and she was quiet for a moment. ellie understood your point of view, and how it'd be difficult to continue a relationship with her ex-girlfriend's sister.

"just stay with her."

ellie sighed, "no, even if we can't be together, there's no way i'm going to stay with her. no fucking way."

"but—"

"no. i don't want to be with her," ellie comes closer to where you were, causing you to stand on your feet and back up, "everyone is talking about how everyone else would feel. what about me? i can't fucking stand not being with you. you think i enjoy thinking about you while i lay with dina? do you even understand how hard it is for me to just look at you? do you know what you do to me?"

you feel the cool surface of the wall press on your skin as you were backed up against the wall. she had you cornered and you couldn't do anything about it, and a small part of you enjoyed this.

ellie's voice is low and raspy, "do you have any idea how much i think about you? having you as mine? thinking about the things i would do to you?"

you swallow hard, and you shake your head left to right, "ellie, you're just d-drunk."

she shakes her again, "i'm not. i'm one hundred percent sober."

"you're talking nonsense—" you try to convince her, but deep down inside, this was you trying to convince yourself.

"why can't you just face the fact that i want you?"

"because you're dating my sister!" the tone of your voice shocks the brunette.

"i can't— i can't have these feelings for you," you breathe out, "you're with dina."

ellie closes her eyes at the mention of her name, and again, silence fills the space.

"then let's forget about her, okay? for one night, i just want to forget about her," ellie whispers, "all i wanna focus on is you."

you search her face, and you bite your lip, actually contemplating the idea.

as you and ellie make eye contact, it was then you realize how close she was to you, you can nearly taste her lips if you leaned in further enough.

and in a swift move, ellie presses her lips against yours, pushing you against the wall. her hands cup your cheeks, kissing you with a sense of urgency and passion.

she takes control, and pushes her tongue in between your lips, roaming around in your mouth, eliciting a mewl from the back of your throat.

ellie's hands move to the back of your neck, and wrapped up in each other's lips, you both continue your way over to your bed, falling onto the mattress.

you pull away for a brief moment to flip her over, straddling her and sitting on her thighs.

ellie bunches your dress around your hips, fully exposing your thighs for her enjoyment. her cold hands send a shudder up your spine as they make their way to your thighs, "so fucking gorgeous."

ellie whispers, and she reconnects her lips against yours, and you couldn't help but grind your core against her, eager for friction as you feel a pool of wetness gather in your panties.

you let out a small whimper against her lips, and ellie grows more greedy, and slides her tongue inside your mouth again. the burning heat forming in your core begins to be harder to control, and you couldn't help but grind your pussy harder against her again.

the brunette smiles against your lips, and she takes hold of your hips, guiding you and placing you securely on her right thigh, "there, baby. grind that pretty fuckin' pussy on my thigh."

desperate for more, you place your arms around her neck for security and begin rubbing your panty-covered pussy against her pants, the fabric providing some friction on your swollen clit.

you couldn't suppress the soft whimpers that leave your lips, and ellie presses her lips against yours, drinking in every single moan that reverberates through your throat. she has you right where she wants you, wet and desperate for her.

"ellie.." your parted lips whine, "want more."

your pleas come out sounding as pathetic moans, and she smirks at the sight of you, eager for more.

"yeah? you want more, baby?" you nod frantically.

the brunette flips you over, takes you off her thigh and lays you on your back. using her knee to part your thighs, her fingers slowly trail down your inner thighs, and she uses her index finger to slide your panties to the side, sliding her finger down the wet slit of your pussy.

"shit," she curses, "so wet for me."

your hips buck up, craving more and more of her touch against your sensitive cunt, "ellie, please."

smirking, ellie pulls down your panties, the damp fabric pooling at your ankles, and she uses two fingers to spread your lips, the wet skin creating a slick-sounding echo throughout the room.

she uses one finger to rub your soaked, swollen clit, drenching her finger with your wetness.

"hmmph," you whimper, gripping her arm tight. ellie takes your lips in hers, muffling your pleading moans with her mouth as her fingers rub agonizing slow circles on your pussy.

she briefly pulls away from your lips, breathing heavily, "god, you're so beautiful when you moan."

ellie continues the circles against your clit, and you grab her wrist, stopping her, "e-ellie, please, i-i want more.."

the brunette pauses and thinks for a moment, "alright, baby, give me a second and wait here."

ellie places a kiss on your forehead, pulling her fingers out of you and quickly hurrying out of your bedroom. seconds later, you hear your door open and you see her come back in with a black strap and a harness.

"do you use that with—"

ellie cuts you off, "no. this one's new."

she takes off her shirt, and her black pants, leaving her in a plain black sports bra and plaid red boxers. she quickly hooks the harness around her hips and attaches the strap.

coming back on the bed, ellie looks at you with soft eyes, "is this okay with you?"

you nod, "yes, it's perfect."

she smiles, and she leans in to kiss you again, this time the kiss being much gentler than the previous one before. her hands make their way down your hips, and taking the hem of your dress in her hands, she slips it off of you.

pulling away, she takes the chance to gaze at your body. there was nothing but absolute adoration in those pools of green.

"you're beautiful, have i told you that?"

"only a couple times," you reply shyly, and ellie smiles, kissing your cheek.

her hands gently part your thighs, and she lines her cock up at your entrance. "we'll start off slow, yeah? you let me know if anything hurts, and i'll stop, baby."

looking up at her with glossy eyes, you nod. ellie takes the base of her strap and slowly slides it inside of your pussy, slowly filling you up.

"oh my god." was all you could muster.

"fuck," ellie curses, "you're so fuckin' wet for me, sweet girl."

filling you up almost completely, she grabs your waist and begins thrusting her hips, the strap easily sliding in and out of your wet pussy.

your eyes roll to the back of your head and you grab onto her arm, your grip tightening around her limb with each striking thrust.

the sound of clapping skin and wet slick fill the room, along with a combination of your soft whimpers and ellie's groans.

"keep your eyes on me, babe, wanna see those pretty eyes as i fuck you," ellie groans out, tilting your chin to look up at her.

how can something so wrong feel so right? she had your legs spread apart, with her strap buried deep inside you as dina slept soundly just downstairs.

it was hard to feel guilty when she was hitting every sweet spot inside you.

ellie leaned her forehead against yours, her thrusts never losing rhythm as you coat the black silicone in your white, cream.

as her strap slides in and out of your pussy, that familiar knot begins to form in your belly, and you feel almost as if you're nearing the edge.

"god, ellie— i think i'm about to cum," you stammer out, feeling your pussy tighten around her cock. ellie's eyes never stray away from yours, wanting to make sure you kept your eyes on her.

"yeah? come on, pretty girl, cum on my cock," she coaxes you, and her words cause that feeling of euphoria to wash over you, as you tip over the edge and writhe beneath her.

"ellie," you cry out, "i-i l-love you, fuck." you whimper out, as your pussy clenches around her, the black plastic strap squelching as your juices drip all over it.

"i love you, baby," ellie groans out, as she does one last thrust inside you, falling over in exhaustion onto the bed.

moments later, ellie gets up and takes the strap off. she cleans you up with a clean, wet rag, and climbs into your bed, the both of you still without clothes.

she drapes the blanket over your bodies, and she pulls you close to her.

"you okay?" she asks.

"mhm, i'm more than okay," you hum.

a comfortable silence falls, and you speak up again.

"i just wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow," you whisper, a stray tear falling down your cheek.

ellie kisses the top of your forehead, and rubs your back soothingly, "me neither, baby."

and you and ellie both fall asleep in each other's arms, just for this one night.

-

you really didn't want to have to see dina and ellie off.

it was sad enough that the girl you were in love with was dating your sister, but for her to go to university almost halfway across the country was something close to heartbreak.

luckily, ellie woke up early and got ready and packed up her things before dina woke up. but unfortunately, you woke up alone.

and for the rest of the morning, you stayed cooped up in your bedroom, not wanting to endure the sorrow of seeing ellie leave.

but she had to.

from your upstairs window, you watched as your father and ellie both began loading up the car with suitcases and other bags.

you didn't even want to say goodbye to her, knowing that the minute you saw her face, you'd burst into tears.

so, you just decided you wouldn't say anything to her at all. it was easier that way and it made a cleaner cut.

you hear a knock on your door, and your mother's head peeks out in your bedroom.

"hey honey," she coos, "come downstairs and say goodbye to ellie and dina."

you sigh and turn your head away from the door, "no, thanks. they'll be good without me."

you hear your mother sigh, and she shuffles into your room, closing the door behind you and sitting next to you on the bed.

"don't you wanna say goodbye to your sister, before she leaves?"

you shrug, "dee will be fine without my goodbye."

and for a moment, your mother is silent.

"well," she begins, "don't you want to say goodbye to ellie?"

you were stumped and you didn't reply.

"after all those late night conversations and such, i think ellie would want you to say goodbye."

your eyes widen in surprise, and you turn to look at your mother. "hold on, you know about that?"

she scoffs, "i may be your mom, but i'm not stupid." she laughs, "i can see things from a mile away, and my motherly intuition is telling me that...you like ellie."

you sigh and tear your eyes away from your mother, feeling ashamed, "i know, and i'm a terrible sister for that."

your mom soothingly rubs your back, "no, that makes you human. you can't help who you get feelings for, hun."

she tucks a piece of hair behind your ear and smiles at you, "ellie is an amazing girl, and i'm glad she realizes how wonderful you are."

tears fill your eyes, and you completely break down. your mom looks at you with sympathy, her heart cracking seeing her daughter experience heartbreak, "i love her, mom."

you let out these muffled sobs, and your mom takes you in her arms, comforting you as you cry.

as soon as you come back, she wipes your tears, and takes hold of your hands, "listen to me, sweetie," she coos, "if you love her, let her go, and if she comes back, she was always yours. but if she doesn't, it was never meant to be."

you laugh a little bit, "ugh, mom, that was corny."

"it is, but it's also true," she says, "which is why i think you need to say goodbye to ellie. life will take you in two different paths, and you'll regret it if you don't say anything."

absorbing her words, you nod and wipe your face with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. you get up from your spot, and hurry outside, nearly sprinting to the driveway, seeing dina already in the passenger seat and ellie about to get in the driver's side.

"wait!" you call out, and ellie's head snaps in your direction, a wide smile curling on her face.

first, you jog over to dina, "bye, dee. have fun at yale and stay safe."

you kept your words short and sweet.

"thanks, kid. go crazy in LA, okay?"

smiling, you nod at her and make your way over to the driver's side of the car, where ellie was standing and waiting.

you stand in front of her and you take a deep breath, before wrapping your arms around her neck and pulling her in for a tight hug.

you take this opportunity to whisper in her ear, only for her to hear, "maybe in the off chance we see each other again, and things are right, we can give us a shot."

"you better stay true to your words, pretty girl, because i plan on seeing you again," you can hear the smile in her voice as her arms wrap around your waist.

before anyone notices the prolonged hug, you pull away from her and stand next to your mom and dad, where you all wave goodbye to them as they pull away and disappear into the road.

maybe in another life, in another time, in another dimension, you and ellie were together.

you would have this big house overlooking the hills, and you'd have this amazing studio with huge windows to paint whatever you wanted and ellie would have her own office, dealing with her own ordeals. you would have a dog running around with a grumpy cat trailing along with them. you and ellie would always end the day with dinner together, and by the end of the night, you would be curled up in her arms and life would be perfect.

but this wasn't another life. for now, you and ellie were just two souls who are merely passing by each other in this lifetime. from strangers to friends, friends into lovers, and strangers again.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

[blushblushbear]

Hi, hi! I'm so happy to see someone who writes/ enjoys Blush Blush—I swear the content creators are countable on one hand lol /lh

Anywho, here's some stuff I wanna ask ya. Feel free to do as much or as little as you want (top 3 of each if ya can):

>Who would be the best and worst cook?

>Who would hate and love pda?

>Who would throw the most elaborate celebrations and who'd be the most lowkey?

>Who'd make the best and worst surprise dads?

>Best uncle?

OKAY LET'S DO THIS! *cracks knuckles*

LET THEM COOK

Best Cooks: Nimh (specializes in baked goods!), Dmitri, William, Cole, Seth (but only barbecue), Logan, Haru

Worst Cooks: Eli (will order food for you tho!), Scale (bless him he tries tho), CASHEW, Sven, Aki

EVERYONE ELSE: they're alright. Maybe not the best, but def not the worst. Can make something edible!

PDA??

LOVES: Nimh, Kelby, ELI (mwah mwah mwah!), Garret, DMITRI, William, MYX, Stirling, COLE (especially when it's you loving on him-- let them other boys know <3), Cashew (almost in love it and hate it cause flustered but NO NO HE CAN'T HE LOVES IT TOO MUCH), LOGAN, AKI, HARU

HATES: Anon (but will accept some hand holding and cheek kissing),

Oh they love it and they hate it at the same time: VOLKS, Scale (wants the loving BUT WHAT IF HIS ENEMIES SEE), Poe (gets embarrassed), FUYU (he must keep his composure but it's hard when he's getting sweet kisses <3 <3)

Okay with it: Ichiban, Sven, Seth, Reece

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!

High key: ELI, Ichiban (might make a video of it), Stirling (THERE SHALL BE A BALL IN YOUR HONOR AND HE SHALL HEAR OF NOTHING LESS), Sven, Seth, Aki, Haru (though he's planning an after party for just the two of you <3)

Low Key: VOLKS, Nimh, Garret (thinks it's high key, but it's actually really chill), Scale, Cole, Poe, Cashew (college kids only speak broke, same goes for Poe),

Would depend on the partner/could go either way: Kelby, Anon (leans more low key but whatever suits ya luv), Dmitri (he'll shout your name to the heavens or whisper it in your ear, you're call), William, Myx (though he really wants to throw a massive party), Logan,

Low key but High Key: Reece (big party? maybe not. take you to see the birth of the universe?? mayhaps ;3 ) Fuyu (it's a simple date of a show thrown for you, a feast in your name and a night giving you anything you wish-- ya know, nothing too big)

You ARE the father!

(for clarification all of them are staying by your side no matter what and will always step up as a father, just... some may have bigger steps than others....)

Total shock: VOLKS, Anon, Ichiban, Scale, Poe, Seth, HARU (lol, get dadd'd idiot)

Excited: Nimh, Garret, Dmitri, SVEN, LOGAN

Shocked but happy: Kelby, ELI, William, MYX, Stirling, Cole (maybe a little too happy...), CASHEW (big shock, so happy), Reece (he honestly goes back and forth between shock and joy until the kid is like 5 lol), AKI, Fuyu (he cried, can't believe he got so lucky)

Greatest Uncle (a Grunkle if you will)

Haru, Kelby, ELI, ANON, Garret, AKI, William, Myx, LOGAN

hey hey, rapid fire, PACHEW, PACHEW!

[anonymouse1312437]

Hidden Away

*Sorry for being away for so long*

TRIGGER WARNING:

This book might be too depressing for some. It is going to contain a lot of angst, some slow burns, and talk of depressing topics.

This will have a series of depressing thoughts coming from the main character played as Y/N.

This contains topics such as

Depression

Anxiety

Self-harm

Suicidal thoughts

Suicidal thoughts

Sexual assault.

Physical abuse.

This is going to be something the also contains in later chapters:

Smut

Breath play

Age-gap

Degradation

Shaming

This is not intended for everyone. This in not at all to run along sign the other passage I am writing which is American Amongst The Brits. This is to be read on its own. I will try to post to both frequently but, this is a favoring one for me at the moment as it is an escape from the current feelings brought on by the seasons. I do hope you enjoy the read. I intended to write this as if it were something that someone could relate to other than the smut sections. I hope you enjoy the read.

Please comment if you enjoy the read. It does bring joy to me to see the comments.

Chapter One:

Another year at a school. However, I was sent to a new country where I knew no one. I had a cousin here who lived in the UK but I have never met or heard of them. Yet here I am about to go to school with them. I don’t even know if they know I exist. My father hated his brother. His brother was a wizard who married a witch. My father was ordinary who married an ordinary woman so when I sneezed and something to do with magic happened it was like I was disowned. Mind you from what they told me when I first sneezed, I was merely a baby.

They raised me to believe that if I were to give into the temptation of learning any magic that it was the work of the Devil and that I would be damn to hell for eternity. My dad, I think, blames me for what happened to my sister and brother. They both never had magic but, when they played with me and something weird would happen, I was the one to take the blame. It was eighteen years of this before they found out the could legally get rid of me. We have always lived in America from my understanding but, clearly my parents have lived here in the United Kingdom. They had British accents that had slowly mended into an American accent. I was born in America and to hide the past they tried their best to make sure I only had an American accent. Some how I just know this will be a problem here. It is probably best to pretend that I am mute at this school.

“Hello dear. It is so good to finally meet you. Welcome to the family home. I am Amber and this is your Uncle Tom. This is your cousin William.” They said and I looked at them and just felt out of place. They were all well-kept, and it was as even the house knew I did not belong here.

“Hi I am y/n. I guess it is nice to finally meet you. I know it’s a bit rude to say this but, I truly did not know any of you existed until just this month.” I said and Tom and Amber smiled at me.

“I knew sweetheart. That is not your fault though. We also did not know in the beginning but he did call and inform us about your abilities at your very first sneeze. He thought we had cursed you with the abilities. He never did understand that it is something you are born with.” My uncle Tom said and of course I should have assumed my dad would do the sort.

“Come now darling. Come inside. Let’s get some food inside of you.” My aunt Amber said. She grabbed onto my shoulder and pulled me into a hug inside of her house. Tom and William just waved at me and escorted me to the table alongside her. She sat beside me and in front of us was a feast. It was odd to see so much food.

“What is America like?” William asked me.

“I am not too sure. I had a lot of strict rules I was forced to follow just because of my abilities. I wasn’t allowed out of the house and once I got into trouble in kindergarten, they forced me to homeschool. I didn’t get to see much outside of my home there. My mother and father didn’t even let me spend time with my siblings.” I said and looked towards my lap. I am fighting back tears right now because I love my siblings deeply but, even they began to be ashamed of me when my parents did not let their friends come over because people forgot I existed. I was just a name they whispered and if their friends came over, they would be questioned about why I was not in school. Then they would have got into trouble and could have ended up in jail. To everyone, I no longer existed.

“You are accepted here dear. You do not have to hide who you are here. Now William is just slightly younger than you, so he is in a different grade, however they are going based off age and that puts you at the start of fifth year. It is a bit advanced. Do you have any knowledge on your magical abilities?” Tom asked.

“I-“I started to say but, I do not wish to get into trouble with them.

“If you have practiced in secret, I promise you will not get into trouble.” Tom said.

“I have practiced. I just don’t have much knowledge outside of hand magic.” I said and Tom smiled.

“Mind showing me something that you have practiced?” Tom asked.

“Really?” I asked and smiled.

“Please.” He said. I waved my hand, and the table cleared. I waved it again and it was put away. I waved my hand once more and I had cleaned up any mess that remained. I waved it for a fourth time and my bags appeared inside the house.

“I am impressed.” Tom said and I felt myself feel something that might be considered happiness.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes. You have managed to learn a lot by being so sheltered from it. How were you able to study and practice it in my brothers’ house without him knowing?” My uncle Tom asked.

“I only practiced when everyone was asleep and only when they were not at home.” I said.

“We learned how to do that before our first year though dad.” William said and then I felt the happiness drain from me.

“That is only because you had people teaching you. You had someone there to help you practice. You had someone to applaud for everything you had done. She didn’t get the opportunity to have that though.” Tom said. William put his head down slightly.

“Sorry, I do not want to cause any trouble.” I said and looked at my hands. Things around me started to shake a little and it had felt like everything around me was unstable. Stop thinking like this. It is going to become a problem. I tried to silence my mind and when I managed to do it everything around me stopped shaking.

“My-my you are quite powerful. Does that happen often?” I heard Tom ask.

“What do you mean?” I asked him a bit confused.

“Does that happen when you are upset? Do things seem to feel unstable and become rather shaky? That does not happen to everyone. Matter of fact I haven’t heard of that happening before now.” Uncle Tom said and My Aunt Amber just looked at me with her mouth slightly ajar.

“Yes. I have tried many times to control it. No one over there knows this stuff I don’t think. So, they would think it was an earthquake and I would just have to go with it and pretend it wasn’t me who created the problem. Of course, my father would know it was me and then some stuff would happen.” I said and returned my eyes to the table.

My aunt Amber clapped her hands, and all the food reappeared in front of us but on plates.

“Are you not hungry?” She asked me. I shook my head and just played with my hands under the table.

“I do want to let you know the school you are going to relies on magic. It is taught in every subject. You have a few professors who have offered to aid in getting you caught up and trained with the necessary spells. However, there is always a problem professor, and I must warn you he has offered to assist you because he thinks it is going to be a testimony to how great of a wizard he is.” Uncle Tom said and I felt myself smile.

“Really? Everything is just purely magic?” I asked.

“Absolutely.” He said and smiled.

“The teachers there are nice?” I asked.

“They are called professors here dear. For the most part the majority are. However, I will warn you that once again the teacher that is primarily going to be helping you is not the kindest. He has a permanent scowl on his face. There is also one other who is not a teacher but has taken a temporary leave from the ministry of magic to help you get caught up as well. I do apologize if it becomes overwhelming, but it is necessary for you to get every bit of knowledge. He added and I smiled.

“Oh, that is kind of that person. Are they kind? I haven’t been around nice people before.” I said.

“Kind is not the word we would use for him. He is a Slytherin. He feels very entitled. He also has an ego that is massive. He is also arrogant. I would never use the word kind in association with him. I barely like to use his name but, it is best you know it. His name is Lucius Malfoy. He is Draco Malfoy’s father and for you I would just address him by his last name.” He said and started to eat the food in front of him. This encouraged William and Amber to eat.

“When will I be going to this school?” I asked.

“We will be leaving here shortly to get you to the platform. William will be sure to get you to classes. That is until you are able to get to them on your own.” He said and I looked towards William, and he smiled.

“Thank you I really appreciate it.” I said. They all continued to eat but, I avoided it. I don’t want to upset my stomach. There was not much I could do about it anyway. My stomach doesn’t tolerate food that well anymore. I didn’t eat properly with my family. They had these wonderful meals that would smell amazing, but I was not invited to eat with them ever. At first it hurt my feelings but, after a while it was just normal for me. The only things I was fed were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or dry bologna sandwiches. After a while I just didn’t want to eat anymore. I will be fine though. I think this is just nerves.

“Why not go and freshen up and afterwards we will get you over to the platform to get you into the school. You two will ride by train and then William will take you to Hogsmeade to get some last-minute books. What you are not able to find there the teachers who have offered to help will give you the rest.” Tom said and I smiled.

“Where is the?” I started to ask where the bathroom was but, was interrupted by Tom.

“It is the second door in the hallway. It is on the left.” He said and I gave him a small smile and walked down the hallway. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I look awful. No wonder they asked me to freshen up. I waved my hand in front of my face and my appearance returned to something that was better suited to be around people. I walked out of the bathroom and noticed everything was cleaned up again and put away. William was standing by the door and so were Tom and Amber.

“My, you look wonderful. Sorry, I hope it did not come off as rude to have you go and freshen up.” Tom and Amber said together.

“It was not rude. I just wanted to say thank you for telling me to freshen up. I was unaware that I looked like that.” I said and looked down.

“Come now. Let’s get you over to the platform.” Tom said.

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

Over the years I have found that actors who are great friends for real life have the best chemistry onscreen. You can't manufacture that kind of chemistry. It's just natural. The physicality. The effortless comfortability they have around each other. The fire chemistry. These couples are James Lafferty and Bethany Joy Lenz from One Tree Hill who were great friends for real and are still close to this day. They've been to many comic cons and the chemistry is still on full display at these events (Nathan and Haley), Joshua Jackson and Katie Holmes from Dawson's Creek dated for real life and remained friends even after breakup. Josh said that Katie was his closest friend on set (Pacey and Joey), Jaleel White and Kellie Shanygne Williams from Family Matters were friends onset and Kellie recently said how she had a crush on Jaleel. They recently were reunited in an interview and their chemistry is still fire (Steve and Laura), Tom Welling and Erica Durance from Smallville were great friends. I love to hear Tom talk about Erica because there's clearly so much respect and love between them. They really loved to work with each other (Clark and Lois), Kennedy McMann and Alex Saxon from Nancy Drew are great friends. I don't know much else about their relationship. I just know that Kennedy has said they are close friends and also Kennedy is a big supporter of the Nace ship. I've also heard of little improvs and story ideas that they came up with for Nace so they clearly are very simpatico (Nancy and Ace), Erin Moran and Scott Baio from Happy Days dated on and off through the years (Chachi and Joanie), Rachel Brosnahan and Luke Kirby from The Marvelous Mrs Maisel are amazing friends. And this is another situation of two actors who really support each other and have a huge amount of respect for each other (Midge and Lenny) what all these couples have in common is that they are friends and/or romantically involved. One or both of the actors in each ship are major supporters or shippers of their characters together, they all have had amazing chemistry all through the years even after the shows ended, they all respect each other as actors and each other's talents, they all have fire chemistry that remained strong through the entire run of the shows, and insane physicality where they are so comfortable with each other and and great at adding little physical intimacies to their fictional relationships.

Some chemistry you can sort of manufacture. You can create the long looks, the stolen glances, the yearning, the jealousy. But then there's the upper echelon of TV couples that just have it all. They have all these things but the chemistry endures past the yearning stage 💖

Then there are some couples who maybe weren't overly close. They either hated each other or just got along but weren't super close and those couples mostly have that manufactured chemistry and I'm not saying that it doesn't take talent to do that. It takes acting talent and some of it is genuine. Also this chemistry is not bad. I love the long looks and the stolen glances but these types of couples need long ass slowburns because some of that naturally goes away when they get together like the yearning and stolen glances for instance. They don't have those crutches to fall back on and all they have is that little bit of genuine chemistry. I do wanna clarify that I have always hated when writers make couples on and off unnecessarily. Give them the slowburn but keep them together once they get together you cowards lol

There are other couples with insane chemistry who are close for real life but I had to end this post sometime but they exist and those are special ships to be sure! 💗

[bizlybebo]

please use this ask to scream at me when you finish season 1 💜

I want to see your reactions

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUH HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HIOLY HSIT.

god. so.

i finished season one at like 1am and it fucking tore me apart. i sat in silence and just stared at the wall for a HOT minute. i couldn't actually comprehend wtf i just witnessed.

and holy fuck i have some WORDS

first off.

ASHE WINTERS WHAT THE FUCK ASHE WINTERS HO YMGOD ASHE WINTERS I LOVE ASHE WINTERS MORETHAN ANYTHING ON THIS STUPID FUCKING GODFORSAKEN PLNET. SHES. SO. :((((((((((((((((((

ASHE WINTERS AND DAKOTA COLE/?? TLIKESRERJKHTAWKJR THEY WRE LITERLALY IN LOVE.

HOLY FUCK THE IMPACT THAT THIS IS GOING TO HAVE ON DAKOTA??

AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON WAVELENGTH. MARK LITERALLY LOST EVERYTHING. HIS SON. HIS FREEDOM. LIKE. WHAT THE FUCK. HOLY UFCK WHAT THE FUCK

IT'S SUCH A SUDDEN ENDING AND I LOVE/HATE IT SO MUCH. HOW SUDDEN THE LOSS IS MAKES IT FEEL THAT MUCH MORE REAL

BUT HOLY FUCK ASHEEEE. SHE MADE HTE GREATEST SACRFIICEEEEEEEEEE OH YM GODDDDDD. I GET PHYSICALLY ILL THINKING ABOUT HER. LITERALLY I WAS TELLING SAMMY THE OTHER NIGHT THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT ASHE WINTERS WHILE LISTENING TO A SAD SONG AND NEARLY THREW UP. SHES SUCH A BEAUTIFULLY PUT TOGETHER CHARACTER SHES SO FUCKING. AUTHENTIC. MY HEART BROKE A THOUSAND TIMES OVER.

THE TRICKSTER?? SO FUCKING METAL.

ASHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO SAVE HER FRIENDS.

SHE GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO SAVE HER FRIEDNSSSSS

SHE NEVER HAD FRIENDS BEFOREEEEE

SHE LOVED THEEEEMMM

THEY CARED ABOUT HER THEY CARED ABOUT HER THEY CARED ABOUT HER

SHE USED THE THING SHE HATED MOST ABOUT HERSELF TO SAVE EVERYBODY. SHE CARRIED HER GRIEF AROUND, LITERALLY. SHE HAD A PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF HER GRIEF IN THAT ONE PAGE OF HER BOOK, THE TRICKSTER. IT WAS ALWAYS IN HER POCKET. SHE COULD NEVER LET GO OF HER PAST CAN YOU HEAR MEEEEEEE

"IM TRYING."

"TRY HARDER."

AND SHE DID. SHE GAVE IT HER ALL.

SHEEE TRUSTED THEMMMM. SHE TRUSTED THE PRIME DEFENDERS TO TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER WAS TO COME FROM THIS.

AND WILLAIM TRIED TO BURN HER BOOK AUUAOGOUAHGOUAHGOU IM GONNA MAKE A SEPARATE POST SOON JUST ABOUT THAT BECAUSE OAOOAOOAGAGAGAGAUGHAUGAKRTEJRK HO,Y. FUCK OH MYOGD

AND DONT. GET. ME. STARTED. ON. WILLIAM. WISP.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

HE DIED. HE DIED AND HE CAME BACK AND HE JUST. HAS TO LIVE WITH THAT. AOGUHOAUGHAOUGHOAUGHA

AND. AUGHUHUHUHUGAHGUAHUGHUAGUHAGU HIM AND VYNCENT. FUCK I LOVE GHOSTKNIFE THEY MAKE ME SO HOMOPHOBIC.

DAKOTA COLE IS MY SHINING STAR HE IS ALL THAT IS BEAUTIFUL IN THIS WORLD AUHGUAHUUGHUG. FUCK

HE IDOLIZES HEROES SO GREATLY BUT THEY KEEP FAILING HIM. AND HES STARTING TO GET ANGRY. HES STARTING TO GET ANGRY BEACUSE HIS IDOLS WERE THERE. HIS IDOLS WERE THERE BUT THEY WERE TOO LATE. THEY SHOWED UP A MINUTE LATER, NOT A MINUTE BEFORE, THE WAY HEROES SHOULD.

AND OUGH. HOUOUUH. HIS BACKSTORY. FUCK

HE. HE. I CANT EVEN TALK ABOUT HIM I CANT PUT HIM INTO WORDS (SLASH VERY AFFECTIONATE AND POSITIVE)

"BUT I WASN'T DC BACK THEN."

"I CAN BARELY EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME. BUT I REMEMBER HER FACE."

"SHE WAS JUST A KID, TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM SOMETHING TOO."

DO YOU KNOW WHA TTHIS MEANS TO EMEEEE. WHAT HEEE MEANS TO MEEEEEEE. ADKOTA COLEEEEE. BOUCNING HIM AROUND IN MY BRAIN FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER

NEVER BEFORE HAS A CAMPAIGN MADE ME FEEL. SO MUCH. HERATBREAK AND LAUGHTER AND LOVE AND ANGUISH AND JOY.

IM IN PHYSICAL PAIN SLASH POSITIVE. THEYRE. SO. :((((

AND GOD. DEMONKICKS. FUCKCKKKCK THEY WERE IN LOVEEEEE THEY WERE IN LOVE THEY WERE IN LOVEEE

the final 40 minutes of s1 ep24 tore me apart.

absolutely nothing was resolved, but there was so little time left.

and then ashe pulled out that book, and the trickster was out, and ashe was waning, but there were only 5 minutes left.

and she was gone.

she is gone.

ashe winters is fucking gone and im actually going to cry aagain

[aftoonfamily]

Hey same anon who send the first ask abt mikes hypothetical pokemon, to add to to it, what if they (the nickit) eventually had lost a foreleg and eye (to further mirror foxy) by the time it evolved into a thievul? Maybe William forces mike to train his pokemon against his own, (which are obviously stronger, hes had them for years and years), and whenever his lopunny is 'a little too rough', he makes it seem like it's mikes fault that his pokemon got hurt, and that he should be taking better care of them, etc. Makes mike make do at home with health potions and stuff when this happens becuase it would all be over for him if a nurse joy saw. The pokemon setting introducing new, inventive ways to be a shitty parent and pet owner fr

I hate you so much how could you fucking say this to me. Nickit doesn’t deserve this :(( But they are besties and I love them. Two abused dogs deemed criminal just for being alive.

To make shit even sadder, I really want to give Evan a Cubone. The Pokémon just fits him so well. And when Evan dies, I was thinking Cubone could carry Evan’s Fredbear instead of the bone. The fella also HATED Mike after Evan was killed and would try to attack him, but little Nickit would always defend him.

I hate this this is so sad and terrible.

[scuttlingcrab]

Hi! Once you get this, please tell us 5 things you like about yourself. If you've received that already, don't mind skipping the message. You can post it to five other people you follow for them to respond :)

👀

Hello @certifieddilfenjoyer ! 🫡 Thank you for this, I usually don’t do these types of asks but you’re amazing so why the hell not!

Here we goooooo:

1) My sense of humour. I think I’m pretty funny 🤣 Sometimes. My heroes are people like Conan O’ Brien and Larry David. My humour has taught me not to take life too seriously. I like to make people laugh and feel good, so there’s nothing that brings me joy than seeing a smile or sensible chuckle from anyone lol. I will accept a “LMAO” too. 😅

2) Learning to love myself from the inside out. All my anxieties and depression and accepting every quirk and flaw I HATED when I was younger, and understanding that they make me unique. Also learning to love myself when I look in the mirror every day — I’m only going to be 32 once, and in honour of one of my favourite quotes: “I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her.” ✨

I also had a health scare in late 2020, (lmao time of my life) so just valuing being alive, and taking one day at time.

3) My writing. Really proud of some of the things I’ve started writing again since getting back into fan fiction. Thanks Raphael! 😈✨I wanted to do nothing but be a writer when I was a child but for some reason I stopped when life got in the way or when I had other hobbies and pursuits. So I’m just gosh darn happy to be here, writing again, and maybe I’ll get a book idea out of this. Maybe not! Or a film idea?! Who the hell knows! Even if it’s nothing I’ll be happy — my fan fic ain’t stopping!

4) Where I’ve come from and my career. I’m originally from America and now I live in the U.K. — I’ve been here for 5 years now and fully settled which means I can apply for dual citizenship this year. (Or when I have an extra £1500 lying around lmao, in this economy?! 😐). I always wanted to travel and live abroad but could never afford it growing up. So it blows my mind I’m here now. 😂 I also work in animation — the industry that took me away from my writing dreams! Lol! When I take a moment to step away from my computer or crippling to-do list, it’s actually pretty damn cool how far I’ve come, haha.

5) My style and range of tastes in film, music, books, obsession with Japanese culture, anime, etc., etc., I’m so weird!!! And I love it! I am obsessed with old films and have been in love with various dead men and women through out my entire life, lol. Ask me about William Powell or Katharine Hepburn, I’ll talk your ears off. I also love all types of music from Japanese Jazz, City Pop, Swing Bands like Glenn Miller, to melodic techno and hip hop like A Tribe Called Quest. Also my favourite band of all time is HAIM. 🤣

Thanks again for sending this to me — now back to obsession about Raphael. 😏✨🪦

[blametheeditor]

Tempting Fate | Chapter 1

Run Down: The disappearance of Fazbear Entertianment's original owners has left the company declining with every year. Afton Robotics is out of business, only one location is in operation, and night guards have been disappearing. But why should Mike Schmidt care? He wouldn't, if it wasn't for the fact he was dragged kicking and screaming back into the center of it all.

Content Warnings: Cursing. Body horror. Gore. Mentions of death and murder. Darker themes and tones

Canon lore, in this household?!

___________________________

The more Scott has been turned to when it comes to making decisions for Fazbear Entertainment, the more he’s faced with the fact he never had a clue how it worked in the first place. 

Granted, he was never supposed to. Help out wherever he can of course, but never run the business. This is Henry and William’s pride and joy. Something they wanted to share with the people they love and care for, but always at a distance. Because friends and family always get messy when dealing with money. 

So where the hell are the actual owners.

Trust him, Scott has tried everything in order to get in contact with Henry and William. He should’ve stopped a while ago, a few years to be exact if he’s being completely honest with himself, but he holds onto the hope they will come after disappearing off the face of the earth. Especially when Henry came to him even though they barely knew each other. Scott was William’s best friend, however, so that meant he could be trusted. 

Trusted to look after the business until they could return, in which he would willingly sign everything back over to them. But it’s been five years. William disappeared two years before that. Henry disappeared two years after making Scott the sole owner. Absolutely no sign either of them will ever return. 

Scott sighs as he slumps in his chair, head tilted back to stare at the ceiling. Taking advantage of the very few moments where he can just be alone with his thoughts. They are dangerous, however, so maybe it’s a blessing he rarely has them. 

Because he starts thinking about selling the company. Or at the very least signing it over to someone who actually knows how to run a business in the children industry. Maybe even just leaving without a word. 

He never wanted this. William would be disappointed in how his best friend has been caring for the thing that kept him going after that horrific day. 

Scott jolts as a knock suddenly echos through his office, confused before jumping out of his chair to answer it when he remembers Jeremy is working a shift. 

“Hello, hello,” he greets. Expecting an angry parent telling him about an incident that at minimum involved cussing in front of children, at maximum there being a fistfight. Possibly one of the waiters or cooks telling him there’s yet another thing needing to be fixed. 

It’s neither. Instead there’s a young man standing nervously at his door, hood pulled up to cover his features. 

“Sorry for interrupting, Uncle Scott,” reveals who it is, however. Despite the shaking voice and acting like the police will come knocking at any moment, a bright smile spreads across Scott’s face. 

“You never interrupt, Mike,” the sandy haired man says earnestly. That earns him the head tilting back to show familiar features near identical to his father’s. Something Mike hated for a while considering the constant comments of looking like William Afton even after he did everything to erase those connections. At least those have all since gone away with the eldest Afton himself gone. “Come in, before someone drags me into something.” 

The young man smiles as he quickly walks into the office. Scott doesn’t miss the fact it doesn’t reach Mike’s eyes, meaning he opens his arms for a hug once the door’s locked. One that’s immediately accepted, even if it mostly one sided as he’s simply leaned into. 

“I take it your trip didn’t go well?” Scott asks. 

Mike takes a sharp inhale of breath. Holds it before sighing long and loud. “No, no it didn’t.” 

“Would you like to talk about it?” 

Instead of a huff and sarcastic ‘no, that’s definitely not why I came here in the first place’, Mike only gently breaks the hug. Blue eyes refusing to meet Scott’s worried gaze. 

“...something happened at the sister location.” 

God, please don’t tell him his nephew really is running from law enforcement. 

There’s a few moments of silence. Of Mike wanting to say more, but not being able to. Scott then gently pushes the young man into one of the chairs. Doesn’t try and coax the story out, simply walks over to the coffee machine he installed strictly to avoid needing to leave the room in order to refill his fifth mug for the day, starts up a fresh pot. They both sit in silence as the sounds and smell of coffee brewing fill the room. 

This was something William never understood with Michael. He might’ve loved his son, but the man didn’t realize the kid didn’t talk about his thoughts and feelings like the eldest Afton did and could. Michael needed a moment to be able to just sit and think before talking about something like wanting his dad to be at home more often. Or get out the words for an apology. 

Scott wishes he could’ve done more before. If he knew the problems going on in the Afton household, maybe he could’ve stopped everything from happening. If he had, William most likely wouldn’t have disappeared, and Mike would still be an Afton. 

He can’t go back in time. But he can certainly help now. 

Mike finally takes a deep breath before clearing his throat. “The Funtimes are all destroyed.” 

Scott doesn’t let any emotion show at the news. Mike had said he would be going to Afton Robotics to shut it all down. Said he thought about it for a long time, and even though that was William’s last known project, there weren’t any good memories attached to the animatronics. There wasn’t anything to do with them either, not with Circus Baby’s Pizza World having been shut down several years ago. 

He’s not disappointed, far from it. Scott can’t lie and say it doesn’t send a shot through his heart knowing something his best friend worked on is gone forever, though. But that isn’t what Mike needs, so he doesn’t voice his feelings. There’s still Fazbear Entertainment after all. 

“I actually debated not going through with shutting everything down. Especially with how long the elevator ride was. Gave me a lot of time to just...think. But then it just got weird. Like crawling through vents weird. I know Afton Robotics was barely hanging on, but...it was so much worse than I thought it’d be.” 

Scott allows a confused expression. He had heard the same thing about there being quite a few problems, especially considering it was his own signature that pulled the plug of no longer letting the Funtimes get rented out anymore. He made sure there was at least one person visiting it weekly to make sure the facility was still running, but there wasn’t a lot of money to spare with upkeep. Yet he was never given a report about needing to crawl through vents in order to get to other areas. Hopefully Mike wasn’t doing it without actually needing to. 

“The worst part was the Funtimes didn’t act like the other animatronics,” Mike murmurs, eyes locked on the ground as he remembers. “It was surreal, Uncle Scott. Instead of just playing recorded lines, they were taunting me. And HandUnit actually betrayed me. Like, multiple times.” 

Now he’s getting worried. Scott knows this must’ve been a big shock for Mike. Such a big decision and the subsequent actions that’d need to be taken no matter what was chosen would be hard on anyone, and for the young man even more so given his past. But the animatronics built to entertain children taunting him? The AI designed by William to help perform any assigned duties betraying him? These are nothing but robots. It’s not possible for such things to happen. 

It’s honestly a little concerning. And it only makes it worse when Scott realizes that Mike sounds like Jeremy whenever the man starts spouting off conspiracy theories about the animatronics coming to life to kill the night guards for revenge. 

“Something happened when I scooped the last one,” his nephew continues before it can be asked when was the last time he slept. “She, it- I can’t even explain. I, I-I changed.” 

Scott stares into Mike’s eyes as they tear up. Glances down for a moment at shaking hands held out pleadingly. The poor kid looking lost, hopeless. 

That’s when he realizes this must’ve been such an emotional toll. To hate your father is one thing. To destroy his life’s work is another. Even though it may have seemed like the best thing to do and it wasn’t done out of revenge, it’s something that would tear anyone with a kind heart in half. And Michael has always been that kind of person no matter what his past says. 

It makes him feel ten times better knowing Mike isn’t being hunted down by the law. And yet the young man not knowing if he made the right decision can arguably be worse. Because Scott can post bail and hire the greatest lawyer in the state. He can’t fix a broken soul. 

“You know there’s nothing that could possibly happen to make me not love you, Mike,” Scott confides. 

There’s a moment of silence until Mike visibly relaxes. “I know. I know. I just, how would anyone react to someone getting their insides ripped out and replaced with a sentient machine?” 

Well that’s...certainly one way to put how Mike feels. 

“I might not have felt exactly like that before” Scott chuckles. “Mostly just my heart being ripped out, but this was never going to be easy. I know it feels like there’s a big hole inside you, but I’m really proud of you, Mike.” 

Scott blinks when it almost looks like his nephew’s eyes turn violet for a moment, but it disappears in an instant. Hopefully color changing contacts aren’t becoming a trend or else he’ll start thinking he’s seeing things. 

“No, I don’t feel like I’ve changed, I am literally some fucked up cyborg zombie,” Mike almost pleads as he gestures to himself. “I’m not human.” 

Scott hesitates, worried he might accidentally upset his nephew. This isn’t the first time Mike has called himself a monster. Though giving a detailed description on the exact type is new. But it’s been years since the last talk, and facing such a horrible past all over again is hard to endure, especially alone. It resurfaces all of the painful memories that have long since been healed, but the scars never leave. 

“You’re not a monster, Mike.” 

The young man looks like he’s been electrocuted. There’s a long moment of silence as he watches Scott for a moment. Suddenly looks down at the ground as his voice goes soft. “Even if everyone else says I am?” 

“Yes,” is his immediate response. Just like every time before when he was asked. “They don’t know the whole story. They don’t know you. And if you are saying it, you need to remember you’re wrong.” 

“I swear you actively try to make me cry every time I talk to you. Cruel and unusual punishment,” his nephew grouses after a moment. Not happy, but not as tense. Almost completely relaxed compared to when he first entered the office. Sounds more like himself. 

“That’s my job,” the sandy haired man smiles. “How good did I do this time?” 

“You failed, eyes aren’t even misty.” 

“Don’t challenge me, Mike.” 

“Or what, old man,” earns him the smirk he’s been waiting for. “Seems like you’ve lost your edge.” 

Scott rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t even trying and you were already complaining.” 

“Critiquing,” Mike corrects. “So, I heard your night guards keep quitting.” 

That’s just wonderful. If the person who actively tries his hardest not to hear any news on how Fazbear Entertainment is loosing employees left and right, then that means the entire country knows Scott has no idea what he’s doing. 

“Do you actually want to know, or just making small talk?” 

“I actually want to know.” 

Scott doesn’t know if it’s a good thing for Mike to genuinely be interesting in his father’s company, or a really bad one. The only issue is it always having been impossibly hard to tell what the young man’s emotions are from expressions alone. Hopefully this wasn’t spawned out of guilt. 

“I don’t know what changed. A year ago, everything was fine. But recently people have just been quitting during their shifts. I’ve done everything I could think of to stop the excessive turn over, try to contact them and ask if there were any incidents. Yet it’s like they just vanish.” 

Scott swears Mike’s eyes actually turn violet this time as the young man straightens up. “Need someone on the inside to check it out for you?” 

What? 

“No one knows we’re associated,” Mike shrugs, because Scott does nothing to hide his genuine shock from the suggestion. That’s also not why his jaw is on the floor and his nephew knows it. “No one could guess either since we didn’t come from the same family tree. I’ll join the night shift and see what’s going on.” 

“Who are you and what have you done with Mike?” 

Scott actually grows a little worried when he’s given a humorless loud laugh. “Oh, this isn’t to help Fazbear’s. This just gets me unsupervised access with the animatronics.” 

“You will not destroy our only working animatronics!” 

“But I got a taste for destroying robots designed to entertain children!” 

“And that’s the only taste you get!” Scott exclaims, hoping Mike is just trying to get him riled up it’s not an actual threat it was promised a degree in engineering would be used for good God damn it. “I swear to God you will regret it if you get within ten feet of them!” 

“Attach a screwdriver to a fifteen foot pole, got it,” Mike grins. He’s quick to lift his hands up in surrender as a death glare is aimed. “If it’d really help you, I don’t mind joining the shift. Promise not to touch the animatronics.” 

Scott hesitates at the serious tone. At Mike looking genuine to fulfill the favor if it’s accepted. Concerned just how much of a toll it was going to the sister location. If there’s truth in the AI turning against any employee that went down there, or if it was just stress making it bigger than it really was. 

“You know you can just say you missed me.” 

“Pass. I prefer keeping my promise of giving you a heart attack one day.” 

Scott pulls Mike into another hug. “Well I missed you.” 

He knew there wouldn’t be any words said back, but a hand gently pats his back to say the sentiment is shared. And for once, the young man let’s him have as long of a moment as he wants. So he takes it. Happy to finally have Mike home. Away from anything that can hurt him without Scott there to help. 

“What do you think about starting this Friday?” Scott asks, still not making any move to end the hug. When Mike realizes his generosity is being taken advantage of, the standing figure turns into an almost limp one. The sandy haired man only hugs tighter so escape is impossible. “You will need to be trained, so you’ll be working with Fritz for a week, but I think you’ll like him. He’s the only one who’s stayed for more than a month.” 

“I can last a week and give you a report at the end of it.” 

“You’re my favorite nephew.” 

“I’m your only one, old man,” Mike grumbles. “Now free me, I want to steal a pizza from the kitchen before heading home.” 

“Please don’t take one that’s going to a table.” 

“No promises.” 

Scott sighs as he finally frees Mike. Smiles down at the young man. “Go order a pizza and say you’re a new hire so they won’t charge you. I’ll get the paperwork taken care of so you’re set for Friday.” 

“Thanks boss.” 

“And I will be asking Fritz if you so much as look at the animatronics!” 

Mike gives his uncle the middle finger as he exits the office. Carefully closes the door. Groans softly as he puts his forehead against the wall. 

Well that could’ve gone better. 

I warned he wouldn’t believe you.

The sentient machine currently acting as his internal organs doesn’t have to rub it in. He knew it’d sound too farfetched to immediately be taken seriously, but Mike thought Scott would laugh at him. Not think he’s being metaphorical. How would he know the old man would immediately get sentimental instead of panicked! 

Then again, it might be for the better. Scott looks tired and on the edge of wiping his hands clean of everything. Mike doesn’t want to add something else to top it all off. And learning his nephew had his guts scooped out might actually kill him. 

Nope, he’d rather have his uncle by his side even if the full situation isn’t known. Because he loves Scott. Would do anything for the man, including working for his father’s company after swearing to never step foot in a Fazbear location if he didn’t need to. 

That just means he has to figure out the whole never going within fifty feet of a metal detector on his own. Great. 

I can answer any questions you have.

Yeah, he’d rather pass. He’s not trusting spaghetti wires with anything, including the assumption all information given to be truthful. 

Mike takes a deep breath. Brushes back his black hair to fix his hood to make sure it covers most of his face since he learned the hard way certain lighting reveals the fact he’s a zombie. Finally turns away from Scott’s office to make his way to the kitchen. 

Is forced to pull himself up short as a slightly taller figure steps in front of him. Wants to snap how irresponsible it is to assume someone doesn’t have inhuman strength and could accidentally kill them if he hadn’t stopped in time. 

Mike holds his tongue, looking up at a man with curly brown hair. Only glances at odd scares decorating his forehead before raising an eyebrow. “Can I help you?” 

As if he doesn’t look extremely suspicious walking around a children's restaurant after coming in through the back door while actively trying to hide his face. 

“I know what you are.” 

Mike’s blood runs cold...or was that replaced with oil. Ask that later, give attitude now. “Excuse me?” 

“I know what you are,” the man repeats ominously, grey eyes seeming to stare right into Mike’s soul. “And I’m only going to say this once. Fuck with Scott, and you’ll have to deal with me.” 

So the ‘what’ was intentional. He thought he was recognized as an Afton but no, it’s worse. Someone knows he’s not human. How, he doesn’t know, but it seems like his secret is safe as long as he doesn’t fuck with Scott. Which, depending on the definition, might be an issue. 

How does a complete stranger believe it though if they did find out? Not even Scott took him seriously. 

“Oh I’m sorry, is it Freddy tradition to try and intimidate new hires, or are you just an asshole?” 

“Both,” the man smirks. “If you can’t handle it though, then you won’t last a goddamn week.” 

“Well unless your name is Fritz, I won’t be seeing you anytime soon,” Mike growls as he walks away. “Nice meeting you, dick.” 

“Nice knowing you, bastard.” 

And ouch, the randomly chosen moniker hits a little too close to home. Such a wonderful cherry on top of everything else. 

He tries to shrug it off. Walks up to the counter and orders meat lover’s pizza instead of snatching a pizza waiting to be taken to a table. Waits in the corner despite the fact he look suspicious as all hell. Too drained to really care. 

...how did he know? 

The operation was not recorded. Via video, audio, or observation. 

Oh, fascinating. It’s not like someone can’t take one good look at him and realize yep, that’s a walking corpse. 

He may know you aren’t human, but it’s impossible for him to know the details.

Oh. Okay, fine, that’s a good point. Meaning there’s no proof to be spread around if Mike makes an enemy of the man. He has no intentions of ever talking to him again. Though, if he was protective of Scott, there might be discussions concerning the weird new hire. Ones that makes his uncle realize Mike meant it when he said literally. 

So, hypothetically, what can the robot inside him do? 

We can go over the blueprints you took from Afton Robotics.

Guess it’s a date.

[sowingseedsandshootinghoops]

Love Without Freedom: Dysfunctional Families

Note on the text: I used D.H. Lawrence’s Sons and Lovers as published by Penguin Books in 1994

This is one of the most realistic and psychologically complex depictions of an emotionally unhealthy relationship between a mother and her son. While Mrs. Morel is definitely not a traditionally abusive woman, she is an extremely unhappy one. As a result of that she decides to pour all of her energy into her kids (especially her son, Paul) and forms her life around them in such a way that it creates an unhealthy dynamic between her and her kids.

​This is a beautiful book about a deeply dysfunctional family. When we first meet Gertrude and Walter Morel it’s clear that they are a match made in Hell. That whatever their feelings for each other might have been in the past, those feelings have long since died. Mrs. Morel is an extremely unhappy woman for whom the “world seemed a dreary place, where nothing else would happen for her” (13). While her husband isn’t an evil man per say, they are ill suited for each other and serve, despite their best intentions, to aggravate each other. However they have four children (Paul, Arthur, William, and Annie) who are the absolute apples of her eye, especially Paul, and she makes them into the center of her universe. No matter what else was going on in her life, she knew that she always “had the children” (25). Everything comes to head when she tells her husband that she is only staying with him for the sake of the children:

And I would’, she cried, suddenly shaken into tears of impotence. ‘Ah, wouldn’t I, wouldn’t I have gone long, long ago but for those children. Aye, haven’t I repented not going years ago [when] I’d only had the one’- suddenly drying into rage. ‘Do you think it’s for you I stop- do you think I’d top one minute for you’.

‘Go then’, he shouted beside himself. ‘Go!’

‘No!’ She faced round. ‘No’, she cried loudly. ‘You shan’t have it all your way. You shan’t do all you like. I’ve got those children to see to. My word’- she laughed- ‘I should look well to leave them to you’

‘Go!’ He cried thickly lifting his fist. He was afraid of her. ‘Go!’

‘I should only be too- I should laugh, laugh, my lord if I could get away from you’” (33).

Although she loves all her children, she has an especially close relationship with Paul. In fact, it’s when Paul is born that we start to see the fanatical, obsessive, quality of her love take shape. As much as she hates her husband, and the world at large, she decides when Paul is born that “with all her force, with all her soul, she would make it [up to Paul] for having brought him into [an unloving world]. She would love [him] all the more now that [he] was here, [she would] carry [him] in her love” (51). And therein lies the problem. Kids are meant to grow up and make their own way in the world. They can’t be children forever. They have to grow up and make their own way in the world. They leave their parents behind, in some way, and create their own lives. However, the vice grip which Mrs. Morel has on the emotional lives of her children, makes it impossible for her to really let them go. This becomes obvious when Paul accepts a job offer in London, far away from her:

It never occurred to him that she might be more hurt at his going away, than glad at his success. Indeed as the days drew near for his departure, her heart began to close and grow dreary with despair. She loved him so much. More than that, she hoped on him so much. [She almost] lived by him. She liked to do things for him: she liked to put a cup for his tea and to iron his collars, of which he was so proud. It was a joy to her to have him proud of his collars. There was no laundry. She used to rub at them with her little convex iron, to polish them, till they shone from the sheer pressure of her arm. Now she would not do that for him. Now he was going away. She felt almost as if he [was] going as well out of her heart. He did not seem to leave her inhabited with herself. Tha was the grief and the pain to her. He [was taking] nearly all of himself away (78-79).

​Again later, when Paul falls in love with, and wants to marry, Miriam, Gertrude finds herself complaining that Miriam is taking Paul away from her and that she is “not like an ordinary woman who can leave me my share in him” (230). Even now, she doesn’t know how to let Paul go. And Paul is starting to resent her.

​Paul starts sensing that his relationships (with both Miriam and later Clara) is hurting his mom and he starts resenting her for it. He doesn’t understand why she can’t just be happy for him, and instead he feels guilty for having unintentionally hurt her: “Paul hated her because, somehow, she spoilt his ease and naturalness” (217). It’s natural that he should fall in love, it’s natural that he should want to live a happy life, and he resents the fact that his mother cannot allow him to do so. It’s only once he breaks off his engagements with both Miriam and Clara that he starts to get a sense of just how emotionally unhealthy his relationship with his mother is. Which is why he tells her that he “shall never meet the right woman while she is alive” (395). Unfortunately, he winds up being more right than he intended to be. He breaks off both engagements as a result of the emotional pressure resulting from his relationship with his relationship with his mother, which means that when she dies he is alone.

​This is a great, realistic depiction of an unhealthy relationship between a mother and her son. She clings to him so tightly that at the end she winds up destroying everything, including that relationship. In order for love to flourish it has to be free, otherwise it dies. This even applies, to some extent, to a mother-son relationship. Mrs. Morel wasn’t willing to give Paul the freedom that he needed and that, in the end was what did them both in: she, in a very real way, lost her relationship with him. There’s a lesson to be learned in that for every person, in every walk of life.

[sodascherrycola]

Instagram Intros (James Barnes’ Kids)

James Grant Barnes Jr.

DOB: May 24th 1938 DOD: September 18th 1959 (21 years old) Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Jack, Jamie S/O: Isobel Stratton Kids: Henry and Wesley Best Friend(s): Alexander Rogers and Theodore Preston Aesthetic: He was very secluded guy, didn’t talk much and didn’t want to. His mother never understood because he was always running around so much, just assumed he was too busy in his head. When he was a young boy and his father went off to war, he wanted to be just like him. Brave, Strong, and Patriotic. When he got drafted however everything he thought he wanted was gone like that. He was suddenly that quiet shy little boy he used to be. He died when he was 21 clutching a locket with his wife and mama in it.

Thomas Michael Barnes

DOB: February 14th 1942 Age: 81 years old Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Tom, Tommy S/O: Sylvia Carter Kids: Emily, Hannah, and Jamie Best Friend(s): Phillip Rogers, John Desmond, and William Banks Aesthetic: Thomas was the complete opposite of his older brother. He was loud and couldn’t sit still. He was his father’s son alright. He used to follow his dad to the garage and try to sit without fidgeting while his dad worked. The only way his father could see his son sit down and pay attention is when he was helping him with the cars that were brought in, that or shoving plastic magnets on his father metal arm to see if they’d stick. Bucky would chose the first one.

Matthew Everett Barnes

DOB: December 25th 1946 Age: 77 years old Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Matt, Matty S/O: Hattie Evans Kids: Jocelyn and Evelyn Best Friend(s): Robert Rogers Aesthetic: Matthew was a direct cause of Bucky’s first night back from war. His mother absolutely loved it. He was her little angel baby. Made from love and joy as she would say. Matthew hated that. Though he was very close to his mother of course. He would follow her anywhere. She had to go to the butcher for dinner? Matty’s coming to. She needed to tidy up the house before his father came home from his 9-5? Matty was right there picking up next to her. He loved and admired everything she did without question. The only thing he “hated” about her was that she would only ever call him Matthew, and if she was present, correct everyone else too. “You were named after the bible Matthew, so help me god if I hear one more person call you Matt or Matty I’ll slap them silly” she’d say. Bucky thought it was silly, but he was too scared to say anything of course. “Wives are scary son, you’ll understand when you’re older. You know how if you’re bad mama’ll take away your toys? She does the same thing to your ol’ man an-” “JAMES YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” “...See?”

Russell Alistair Barnes

DOB: July 22nd 1950 DOD: October 3rd 1970 (20 years old) Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Russ S/O: No One Kids: None Best Friend(s): Clara Rogers Aesthetic: Russell was never really a troublemaker growing up. Never really had any friends, except for Clara Rogers, and he supposes her little brother Timmy, because he followed them everywhere. He always liked Clara, of course he would never say it aloud. Beg his mother to sit next to Clara at church, her only agreeing because his father told her to. Little did he know Clara liked him too. She would tell her friends everything about him, they started to get annoyed. They were each other’s first everything. First kiss, First makeout, First time. Yet they both said that they were only friends. Insisted really. When Russell got drafted for the Vietnam War they both held each other and cried. Neither one confessed their love for the other. That was until October 3rd 1970, when Russell got a letter from Clara herself, explaining how much she loved and adored him. He died that afternoon, letter in his army jacket. Clara almost killed herself. Then she met Harry. She named her son after her first love.

Holly Elizabeth Barnes

DOB: November 28th 1952 Age: 71 years old Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Holls, Dolly S/O: Jacob Stevens Kids: Hailey, Lauren, Penelope, and Jessica Best Friend(s): Rachel Borne and Queenie Macks Aesthetic: Holly and Bucky were inseparable. From the very beginning when he held his first daughter in his arms he was enamored. He didn’t mind playing dolls or having tea parties, in fact he loved having a fresh air from his rowdy boys. Of course he loved his sons very much and loved spending time with them, but something about playing dress up with his little girl sent him over the moon. Holly would always run around singing and dancing with her father while her mother smiled and filmed her home tapes for memories. Bucky loved to take Holly on little father daughter dates, pulling her out of school so they could go to their local diner and go dancing after like he did with her mother. He could never be ripped from his little Holly Dolly.

Kevin Christopher Barnes

DOB: August 24th 1956 DOD: January 4th 1975 (19 years old) Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Kev, Kacey S/O: Alison May Kids: None Best Friend(s): Ricky Wells and Marcus Little Aesthetic: Kevin was the biggest mama’s boy there ever was. Bigger than Thomas even. All the girls were infatuated with Marilyn’s boy, with his big brown eyes and southern manners & charm. No one ever caught his eye like Alison May though. She was the daughter of one of his mother’s church friends and they hit it off quick. As quick as it started though, it ended just as quickly. He was only 18 when he signed up for the war. He got in. Kevin always said he was going to finish was his brother couldn’t. He looked up to them in every way possible. He was very close to his older brother Russell, who died when he was 14 years old. That’s when he knew it was his destiny. He hated to leave his mama, after all she lost due to wars. Her husband was never the same after the war he endured, she lost two of her babies as well. He didn’t want to put his mama through it again, and promised to make her proud. He died thinking she must’ve hated him for signing his life away so easily, the life she had made and carried with her. Little did he know, she made him prouder than ever.

Jesse David Barnes

DOB: August 24th 1956 Age: 67 years old Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Jess, Jay, JJ S/O: Mary Peterson Kids: Jennifer, Cameron, Oliver, and Tyler Best Friend(s): Timothy Rogers Aesthetic: Jesse and his twin brother Kevin were as close as can be. They could be seen anywhere together. His mother thought it was the cutest thing she had ever seen in her whole life. When they were little she used to dress them as identical as they were, so bad his daddy had to write their initials on each piece of clothing like a tag so he wouldn’t mix em’ up. As they got older they grew apart. Started hanging with different crowds and their personalities crashed a lot. Kevin was seen as the “good” kid who did nothing wrong and was god’s gift to the world, it make Jesse sick, because for everything Kevin did good, he did wrong. They fought constantly as they got older. His parents couldn’t make sense of it. They went from being two peas in a pod, to barely ever speaking together while still sharing a room. Jesse was the first one to know about Kevin’s plan to sign up for the army. He yelled and screamed at him, “How could you be that stupid Kevin!? Are you really that dense? Or do you just think this’ll give ya more dumb praise?! You aren’t special Kevin! You are just like everyone else! Mama only likes you cause you listen to everything she says! You ain’t your own self, your a copy of her! And it’ll kill her if you go off and die like the other two!” Kevin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how jealous Jesse really was. He didn’t know how easy he had it from his parents. He didn’t understand how Jesse couldn’t even say there brothers names. He left for war 2 weeks later. Jesse wishes it didn’t end like that.

Julia Winifred Barnes

DOB: November 11th 1959 Age: 64 years old Hometown: Brooklyn, New York Nicknames: Jules, Julie S/O: Sean O'Connor Kids: Mallory and Mitchell Best Friend(s): Allison Marx, Andrea Jones, and Lori Richardson Aesthetic: Julie was your typical teenage girl. Loved partying and boys, her father couldn’t stand it. She was her mother’s daughter. Loved playing rich girl, loved playing cat and mouse with the local boys, just like Marilyn did when she was young. She admired her parents love story and begged her mama to tell her how they met each and every night before bed. She wanted a man just like her daddy to love and hold each night. It was very old fashioned but she was a hopeless romantic. She tried to find it in every boy she ever met, and she had many heartbreaks and many talks with her daddy about how he can’t talk to any of them because they restraining orders against him. Julie finally met Sean. Bucky didn’t like Sean at first, I mean no one was good enough for his Little Julie, but I digress. Sean was the first guy that Julie met that truly reminded her of her father and she made sure to never let him go.

[angelwiththeblue-box]

aight so here's the thing

episode six, "the sound of her wings" is important to me for three reasons. one i've just thought of and is comic related so i'll get to that later.

FIRST!

its portrayal of death. not only is she a black woman, she is also endlessly kind. in most media, death is portrayed as either evil or resentful. always coming to take us away in our prime, or hating us for making them do their job, face all these upset people. and here's the thing -- Death of the Endless had a phase like that. she talks about it in e6. she says that she used to think she had the hardest job of all of them (being the endless), and that she was always so upset by it. she felt forever alone, like she had to do her job all on her own. but then she came to a realisation -- one that most portrayals of death are never seen reaching.

she realised that not only is her duty inevitable, she can also make it beautiful. they are so afraid to enter the sunless realms, she says, and she isn't there to make it worse. in the end, all we need is a kind smile and an outstretched hand. neither of them (death or the dead) are alone.

SECOND!

god. just. hob gadling's whole thing. disregarding the dreamling, his entire storyline is amazing. he's a human being gifted immortality. what could go wrong?

the first time they meet up, in 1489, you have expectations -- the same ones dream has. you expect hob to be begging for death, because that's what's been shown to us. every piece of media that shows someone being given immortality has them inevitable on their knees begging to be taken to the sunless lands. so that's what you expect of hob.

but when dream asks him what he thinks of the world, of his extended life, what does hob say?

"it's fucking brilliant!" he's amazed by how far they've come in so little time. he's so madly in love with the world around him. (also, the way the sCORE PICKS UP WHEN HE SAYS IT IS FUCKING WICKED)

the next time we see him, in 1589, he's a bit of a prick. he's rich and he's mean and he wants dream's attention -- attention that he doesn't get. not much to say about this one except that it's where hob's eternal hatred of william shakespeare began.

but 1689. oooh boy. golly gee. my oh my. i have SO MUCH TO SAY about this one.

in 1689, hob gadling comes crawling into the white horse tavern, starving, having hated every moment of the last eighty years. he is at his lowest -- lower than he was when he started out. do you know how hungry you can get? when you can't eat but you can't die?

and dream, so sure of himself, so sure he'll prove his sister wrong, asks this starving, dirty, 300 year old man in so much pain if he wishes to die, yet.

and what does hob say?

"are you crazy? death is a mug's game. i've got so much left to live for!"

and. oh my god. i cried when i got to this part today. because. there is a reason why such a popular headcanon for him is as hope of the endless (forgiving the lack of alliteration).

he has been beaten and bloody and starving. he's lost everyone he's ever known. his wife and unborn child at the same time. his son.

dream is offering him escape. he's giving him a way out of it all.

but hob still hopes. he still finds joy. he still knows that things can change on the head of a pin. he still wants to live.

theres 200 more years but honestly i just wanted to talk about 1689

also in 1889 he tells dream he doesnt think he'll ever want to die which is like. HHHHHHHHH YES

point is, e6 (and death and hob's storyline beyond that) breaks down two very prominent media tropes - evil death and begging for death. it's important to me.

and THIRDLY

in the comics, dream is the one narrating death's bit of e6 and he marks down every time she takes a soul to the sunless lands as "the sound of her wings" and its SO GOOD because it doesn't focus on anything except the transportation. he doesn't hear the pleading or sobbing or cursing. he comments on the sound of his sister doing her job as best she can and nothing else. something special about that to me

GOD YES I LOVE THIS

[variantia]

Anonymous said : (Springtrap) So... do you... like being in Fazbear's Frights? Do you wish you were doing something else? I mean, besides the Afton thing, because that obviously objectively sucks.

//   SPRINGTRAP.

          Well, there’s a LOADED QUESTION if ever he’s heard one.

          It’s true, William Afton is the worst part of the fate that Springtrap has been left to.   Nearly every horrible thing that has happened in the history of Fredbear’s and Freddy’s is his fault, and none of this tragedy had to happen.   It’s terrifying and infuriating how not only can one man cause so much pain, but also how he can persist so violently even after death.   How he can not have change one single solitary bit.

          How he’s still here, inflicting any torture he can on anyone his claws can sink into.

          ... Springtrap would be lying, though, if he claimed that Afton was the only thing he disliked about the current state of his life.   Insomuch as he even can claim to have a life these days.

          He can’t say he hates Fazbear’s Fright.   No, no, that’s not quite accurate.   This place serves its purpose, and there will always need to be experiences like this for the thrill-seekers of the world.   Adventures where they can come to get their adrenaline fix without doing anything that risks their safety or others’.

          It’s more like an aching nostalgia.   Like a wound that never healed properly ; a cut that refused to close, a broken bone that still gets stiff and sore when the weather is bad even once it’s fixed.   As much as he has to accept reality, Springtrap simply wishes that a new establishment would have been created rather than the original one being turned into something it was never meant to be.

          Fredbear’s and Freddy’s weren’t supposed to be horror attractions.   They were supposed to be FOR CHILDREN.   Somewhere that kids could come to have a good time, eat and play and be happy.   He’s sure it was part of Afton’s plan to turn it into Fazbear’s Fright, to make sure that the animatronics and the entire concept would spark fear instead of joy.

          More than anything, Springtrap feels tired.   He’s exhausted.   He wants his old life back, or for it to have never changed.   All he’s ever wished for was to make children smile, to be a source of happiness.   Now he does nothing but frighten everyone around him.

          As it stands, there are worse situations he could have ended up in.   He could be completely isolated.   He could be alone with nothing other than Afton’s voice in his head all the time, driving him insane.   Instead, at least he has other animatronics here who try to support him as best they can after-hours.   A tour guide and a security guard who won’t give up on him.

          It’s because of them that Springtrap won’t let Afton win by taking over his body or breaking his will.   If he has nothing else in this world, he has hope.

          Even so, with the small spots of good things he has in his life, being ‘   employed   ’ in this ghost of what once was isn’t what he would have chosen for himself.   He can’t pretend he enjoys it, though he doesn’t want anyone to pity him for that.

          And, when all’s said and done, he’s become a bunny of few words.   Maybe those few words will get the point across that his feelings about this are ... complicated.

          “   .̶.̴.̵ ̵M̸i̵s̵s̵-̶m̶i̴s̵s̵-̷m̵i̸s̷s̸ ̵t̶h̴e̵ ̶L̶I̶―̶―̵―̵―̵T̷T̶L̴E̶ ̴O̵N̴E̶S̶.̵  ”

[aro-absol]

What a great video! I put the transcript that YouTube provides under the cut (Transcriber: Gabriella Chihan Stanley Reviewer: Denise RQ). I just edited the time stamps out and changed the format a little for better legibility.

On a warm and sunny day in 2011, I stood in a crowd of a million people in central London for the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Conducting interviews with those around me, I was struck by their great joy and optimism about the future; not just the future of William and Kate, but their own future as well. Several people talked about how the fact that Kate Middleton is a commoner, meant that anyone can marry a prince. (Laughter) As one woman in the crowd told me: "This girl is becoming a princess today, and that's part of the excitement. "I wonder what she thought this morning when she got up and shaved her legs." (Laughter) "Oh, I'm becoming a princess!" (Laughter) She went on: "Kate Middleton grew up normal, like us! Everyone dreams of marrying a prince. We all dream about it." Like this woman, I too, grew up on stories of true love and happily ever after.

[Someday my prince will come]

I would watch Disney's Cinderella and Snow White as if they were instructions manuals (Laughter) - Yes! - (Laughter) on how to go from being poor and downtrodden to that white castle in the sky. When I was young I was certain that I too would ride off into the sunset with someone who would lead me into a better, more secure future. (Sigh) But I hate to tell you... by the time of the Royal Wedding, I no longer believed that love would save me. When it comes to romance, my heart long ago turned to stone.

[Romance under a microscope]

But wait! I got this way not from love gone wrong, in fact, I have the best partner on earth. I got this way because of what I do for a living: I'm a professor, and I've been teaching a course on the sociology of heterosexuality for two decades now. I'm also writing a book about romance that is taking me everywhere from the Royal Wedding to vampire tourism in Italy (Laughter) to interviewing over a hundred young people in North America who were planning their own weddings. And teaching and writing about romance for all these years has taught me a few things. The first thing I learned about romance is that is thoroughly modern. It's not that there weren't earlier ideas of romance like Guinevere and Lancelot, or Romeo and Juliet, but if you think about it, these romantic stories did not occur in marriage. It was about a knight and his Lady, but she was married to her Lord. Or stories about going against your family's wishes, like Romeo and Juliet. In any case, let's just say, these pre-modern love stories generally, didn't end well. (Laughter) Our contemporary notion of romantic love, that we will find our better future when we see our one true love across a crowded room, that we will feel butterflies in our stomach, that when we kiss, fireworks will go off behind us, and then we will get married, and live with that person happily ever after, that's such a thoroughly modern idea you can't even find it before the 1800s. I would actually date the start of modern romance somewhere around 1850, probably around the time when this woman, Esther Howland, started making Valentine's Day cards in Worcester, Massachusetts.

[Mass produced emotions]

Although never married herself (Laughter) Ms. Howland's Valentine's Day cards represent the most important thing we need to know about romantic love: it was born alongside capitalism. Capitalism commodified our authentic human emotions into something we could buy. Ever since Ms. Howland started her business, capitalism and romance have been in bed together.

[Romance is the opiate of the masses]

The story of capitalism then, has always been a love story. Capitalism sells us an ideology: romance, that makes us ignore material reality in favor of fantasy. Most people who've studied capitalism, haven't paid much attention to romance: Karl Marx thought that capitalism happened because the modes of production changed, Max Weber thought that capitalism happened because of protestantism and this radical idea that God might actually want us to make a profit. But the truth is capitalism wouldn't have had a chance, had it not been for romance. Capitalism and romance worked together like a well-oiled machine. This machine, let's call it Love Inc., convinces us to work hard now for some future payoff, but the payoff we learned to want is not necessarily more money and more material goods, but meeting our one true love and living happily ever after. We just have to buy the right toothpaste, the right clothing, the right engagement ring, the right wedding dress, or even watch the right TED talk to make that future happen. (Laughter)

[Birds don't fall in love]

The second thing I learned about modern romance is it's not natural. (Laughter) Cole Porter told us that birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it (Laughter) but I doubt it. We have to learn to believe that romantic love is our path to happiness just as we have to learn to believe in one god over another. No one is born wanting a white wedding dress, average cost about 1,300 dollars, (Laughter) a diamond ring about 5,600 dollars, or gifts and cards for Valentine's Day. Annual amount spent in the United States: 17.6 billion dollars. We have to be taught to want these things. We learn how to fall in love with each other and from our culture, from movies, love songs, romance novels. We even learned how to fall in love from our governments in the form of laws, who gets to be married, who doesn't, what rights and privileges go along with that. And of course, we learned to believe in romance because we exist in an economy that depends on romance to sell us stuff.

[Romance provides a smokescreen]

This leads me to the third thing I've learned about romance. It's difficult to take a look at the ideological work it's doing because it hides behind this smoke screen of claiming that romantic love is natural, that love is all we need, and anyone can fall in love. Romance is propaganda like any other ideology, little slogans that we say to each other like "love is blind" that trick us into feeling optimistic about our futures so we don't pay much attention to things like the distribution of wealth or the environment. (Laughter) Love is not blind. When we look at marriage in the US we see that people almost never marry outside their class, and rarely marry outside their race. In the US today, marriage has primarily become a sign of distinction, a status symbol, like wearing a Rolex watch. But it's also an optional one, that's primarily for college-educated people who are also whiter and wealthier than the population. A minority of adult Americans are married and even fewer people are married in Europe. Not only that, but white weddings are costing more now than ever.

[Love is not free]

The average cost of a wedding in the US has been rising despite the ongoing economic recession and it's now 30,000 dollars. You can double or even triple that in big cities like New York where the average wedding is now 86,000 dollars. To put that into perspective, the median household income in the US is about 52,000 dollars, and for a black family is about 38,000 dollars.

[The "traditional" family] Even if you find your one true love, and you have that perfect wedding, romantic love rarely leads to the happily ever after of the ideal family. In the US, since the end of World War II there was this dream of getting married, buying a house in the suburbs, having 2.3 kids and a white picket fence. (Laughter) The US government even subsidized this dream with zero-interest housing loans for returning soldiers. But this nuclear family was always more of a shimmering mirage than a lived reality. The nuclear family that some conservative commentators mistakenly referred to as the "traditional" family, was really a product of the nuclear age. At that time, only about 40% of Americans lived in a family with 2 parents and kids; today, fewer than 20% do. By selling us an ideal that almost none of us will have, romance managed to make us keep looking. Keep looking for that happy ending: If only we'd found the right partner or the right house, or the right picket fence.

[Love is not all we need]

Not only is love not blind, but it's hardly all we need. In the US, 45.3 million people live in poverty, and about 1 in 5 children do. We all need adequate food, shelter, and water. We also need meaningful work and liveable wages, we need to cut back a little climate change with all our energies, we need racial and gender justice. We need peace. Even if we find our own happily ever after, we still may not survive the future. But because we come to believe romance is what gets us to a better future, we spend an enormous amount of time and resources on coupling, and very little on the challenges we actually face.

[The romance of Reaganomics]

This brings me to the fourth thing I've learned about romance: it might actually destroy our future. Even though romance makes us feel optimistic about tomorrow, it's also taking us down this dead end of private lives when what we need most are community and global solutions. How did this happen? How did we stop believing in a common future and become obsessed with our own private happy endings? I think it happened because a new form of capitalism, often referred to as neoliberalism, came along and privatized everything, from education, to healthcare, to our futures. In the US, this new form of capitalism began with this man, Ronald Reagan. As Reaganomics took hold, so did romance. Perhaps it's not a coincidence that seven months after Reagan took office Charles, Prince of Wales, married Lady Diana Spencer in the most fairytale of weddings. 750 million people watched it around the world. One BBC commentator described the event as, "A fairytale fantasy. It's like something out of Walt Disney."

[Disney Rediscovers Romance]

Speaking of Disney, the corporation wasn't doing very well in the 1980s but it managed to turn itself around by reinvigorating romance as its genre of choice. After really poor sales with non-romantic films like "Honey, I shrunk the kids," or "Oliver and Company," Disney went back to its romantic roots, and in 1989 it hit the jackpot with "The little mermaid" and "Pretty Woman." Both of these movies, which I'm sure you've seen, convince us that love is blind and even if we have to completely abandon our families and communities, love will lead into a better future. (Laughter) These movies sent Disney profits up 35%, and nearly 57% on the sale of videocassettes, and if you don't know what those are, you'll have to look it up. (Laughter)

[US Income Inequality]

After several decades of Reagan-style economic policies in the US, the top 10% now accounted for 80% of the wealth. And the top 1% accounted for 47% of income. Recently, en economist who studies the global concentration of wealth pointed out that this level of income inequality is not only detrimental to economic growth, but it can also "lead to a capture of the political process by a tiny high income and high wealth elite." This is an outcome that already seems to have happened in US politics. And this redistribution of wealth happened because romance seduces us into privatizing our futures. Instead of imagining we're all in this together if we want a happy ending, we imagine we can enter a better world by the virtue of falling in love. It's not that there was a conspiracy of global capitalism and romance, it's just that romance could do the emotional labor for this new type of capitalism, and so, we've clung to it the way a princess clings to her prince when the evil witch is about to destroy the world.

[Keep Calm. Your Prince Will Come. Panic! There is no prince!]

Love is worth taking a closer look at precisely because it is neither natural nor universal. Romance teaches us not to deal with a reality but fantasies. Money, divorce, decreasing happiness are not to be acknowledged. Global climate change, a world-wide redistribution of wealth in the hands of the few at the cost of many can be ignored as we increasingly spend our time and energy searching for the perfect romance. Romance promises everyone, rich or poor, black or white, straight or gay that he can reap its rewards. You can be old and have failed at romance over, and over, and over again, but just keep trying; your prince or princess is out there. (Laughter) You can be poor and have no way out of poverty, but still, imagine that one day you might marry a prince.

[The End?]

Haven in the form of a fairytale ending is just around the corner if you just follow the rules: Show yourself to be a good, romantic citizen, buy the right stuff. No wonder so many of us feel this enchantment. But also, no wonder so many of us feel the purpose and hope that is at the heart of romance. This is where the marriage of romance and capitalism draws its strength: we are being sold hope in increasingly hopeless times, and we're buying it like never before. Which brings me to the fifth and final thing I've learned about romance: it's not all there is. We do not need love Inc., we can feel hopeful and connected to others by working together to face the future as communities, not as couples. If we want a better future, we're going to have to move beyond our own private happily ever after, we're going to have to spend our resources and our emotional energy on that communal future, and stop getting caught up in Love Inc. I realise that this is hardly a love story I've told you, but I hope it will leave you with the deeply romantic belief that the future can be better than the present. Thank you. (Applause)

Love is a scam designed by big marriage to sell more weddings

[lindajenni]

nov 29

the pain of love

"love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up." 1 cor 13:4

Jesus! why dost Thou love me so? what hast Thou seen in me to make my happiness so great, so dear a joy to Thee?

wert Thou not God, i then might think Thou hadst no eye to read the badness of that selfish heart, for which thine own did bleed.

but Thou art God, and knowest all; dear Lord! Thou knowest me; and yet Thy knowledge hinders not Thy love's sweet libery.

ah, how Thy grace hath wooed my soul with persevering wiles! now gives me tears to weep; for tears are deeper joy than smiles.

each proof renewed of Thy great love humbles me more and more, and brings to light forgotten sins, and lays them at my door.

the more i love Thee, Lord! the more i hate my own cold heart; the more Thou woundest me with love, the more i feel the smart.

what shall i do, then, dearest Lord! say, shall i fly from Thee, and hide my poor unloving self were Thou canst never see?

or shall i pray that Thy dear love to me might not be given? ah no! love must be pain on earth, if it be bliss in heaven.

frederick william faber - 1814-1863

never. no, never, never, never has such a love been exhibited as was on that cross at calvary. never has such torment and anguish been felt as our Lord endured in the garden of gethsemane. just for us. all for us.

can we love as much? do we dare love as much? only by His precious grace, and it will cost you much. it's not a cheap grace that may be purchased with flattering false confessions. in fact, all you hold dear in this life must become as rubble and a hindrance in your path. "no, but i will surely buy it from you for a price; nor will i offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing.” 2 sam 24:24

our salvation can't be purchased at any price we could pay. it was His blood alone that was sufficient. but the dowry the Lord wants from us is something that should be our precious. it is our time. it is our closeness, desire and intimacy we offer up as our burnt offering; a holy sacrifice.

yet, even what we offer to Him, is it not still something we only received from Him? for He is all things. He is our beginning and our end. now, as His coming grows nearer, do you not seek to know Him and have Him know you; know you as none other ever has or ever will?

i read something by o.s. hawkins the other day. (my favorite current writer, by the way.) "when we get to heaven, we will all be surprised at how little we really had to do with getting there. it is God who takes the initiative and turns our hearts to Himself." indeed we will see clearly how little we had to do with many things. our sense of importance is way overblown. "for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." phil 2:13

suffer through the pain of love into the bliss of it. "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. we love Him because He first loved us." 1 john 4:18

"according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death." phil 1:20 "i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith." 2 tim 4:7

dear friends, it's only love that will get us there! the love that taught us love will furnish grace through it's pain.

[softersinned]

@xfindingtrouble said: ♫ for ellis

"creature" by penny and sparrow

Every drop that I bleed It's a gift you give me Let me spend my skin on you Kiss me, whisper, make me new I'm a creature for your love

what they have between them is the deep and selfish kind of love. it's the transcendent kind, too. they are both possessive of one another in a way that can border on obsession, and that's true pretty much every step of the way: they are each other's best friend, better half, whole heart. and even at their worst, even when they hate each other a little bit, they'd do anything for each other, and they wouldn't hesitate to suffer if it means the person they love most in this world won't. they're both rogues; they both do a lot of fighting that's up close and personal, and pretty fucking dirty. how many times have they taken a hit for each other? how many times have they taken a hit they really couldn't afford to take for each other?

it's in her choice to use magic for him, too: she doesn't think, she just acts. she accepts his anger and his feelings of betrayal and she accepts that she's opened herself up to incredible danger: not just from him (though she trusts he wouldn't intend to hurt her like that, no matter how angry, accidents happen), but from the rest of this party, only one of whom she knows at all. so she takes a few extra hits in battle that can divert attention from him. she swallows her fear. she keeps asking, because someday the answer to do you trust me? will be yes again. they just have to get there. and in the meantime, she can bleed (metaphorically, literally) if it makes his own bleeding a little bit easier to bear. it's a little unhealthy! it's a little dehumanizing! and i don't think either one of them would have it any other way than with that intense, unconditional devotion.

"till forever" by joy williams

We're beginning to finally see one another We grow stronger, we grow stronger for breaking apart We grow stronger for breaking apart together... How you move me, how you move me to love you I keep choosing to love you again every morning

obsessed w the idea of them becoming better for having that period of deep anger and hurt and distrust. obsessed w the idea of them knowing each other better because they've gone through that and made the active choice to love each other in spite of it (in some ways, because of it). there comes a point for them where the anger and the secrets just stop mattering in the face of the bigger issues: the world practically ended, and they survived it together. and now they're making a future in what's left of the world.

this one is pure amaranthine to me. it's them getting to know each other again in astoria's home, rather than his; it's them getting to know each other with an idea of who each will be for the rest of their lives; it's them having the opportunity to love and trust each other again, now that they've both had the time to heal. i love, too, the element of choice that's always so powerful for them: they could separate. it would be really easy. but they both know they won't, because there's no universe where they make the choice to leave each other. there's a wonderful sort of finality to them.

"wasteland, baby!" by hozier

And that day that we'll watch the death of the sun to the cloud and the cold and those jeans you have on And you'll gaze unafraid as they sob from the city roofs Wasteland, baby, I'm in love, I'm in love with you And I love too that love soon might end, be known in its aching, shown in the shaking Lately of my wasteland, baby Be still my indelible friend, you are unbreaking, though quaking, though crazy, that's just wasteland, baby When the stench of the sea and the absence of green are the death of all things that are seen and unseen Are an end but the start of all things that are left to do Wasteland, baby, I'm in love, I'm in love with you

finding a selection of lyrics to quote and not just gesturing vaguely at the whole song was, frankly, torturous. my beloved hozier described this song as a love song for the end of the world (which, to be honest, is the name of the playlist i'm going to make for them sooner or later), and there's nothing more appropriate for them. they fall in love with each other again while constantly facing down the potential that everything is ending. not just the potential, but in some cases, the certainty. they look over the wreckage of the blight, the darkspawn civil war, the mage rebellion, the false calling, the inquisition, and they survive through it, somehow. they don't just survive through it, but time and time again they find an opportunity to know one another better, more intimately than they've ever known each other before, and to love each other better than they have before, which is a feat in and of itself given that they love each other so dearly, and so wholly.

i keep coming back to the images of them in their own little bubble while the world seems to be crumbling around them, sharing a moment of tenderness that's both in clear view of the rest of the world and still wonderfully private: ellis holding her after they find her in the snow after the destruction of haven to help warm her again, astoria throwing her arms around him when he gets back to the vigil after he defeats the mother and neither one of them letting go, the two of them watching each other with sweet, private smiles on their faces as she's getting her tattoo, the same smiles they'll share years down the line when he marries her in the laws of her hold.

"new year's day" by taylor swift

Don't read the last page But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared, and you're turning away (But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes) I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

it wouldn't be an ani playlist without at least one tswift song. this is, i think, one of the most profoundly beautiful love songs she's ever written, and she's written a lot. astoria and ellis both are really profoundly important people, to each other but even more than that, to the world at large. he stopped the blight. she's the herald of andraste. they are surrounded by people politicking and lying and playing games; they do plenty of that themselves. and they are at each other's sides through the heroism and the last ditch efforts, during all the moments of glory and failure, but more important than that, they're together when things settle down and they're left with the very real and often tedious tasks of rebuilding.

i think a lot about the relief astoria would feel when she realized that ellis stayed to protect the city, despite knowing she was in the vigil. i think about that all the time. and i think about astoria knowing that at least this place she loves, her home, is being protected by the person she trusts most in the world. i think about them rebuilding the vigil together - astoria cataloguing every bit of damage meticulously while ellis talks about the adjustments they'll need to make - and them rebuilding the city together - the two of them filthy and sweaty in a public show of support to the survivors of the attacks. i think about astoria watching him in those moments and falling more and more in love with him. i think about them closer in the aftermath, and trusting each other more and more - astoria bringing him the elfroot ointment for his cracked hands, buying him a new journal when the one he's working on is mostly filled. little gestures to one another that say i know who you are and i love you even when nobody else is looking but us.

sidebar: please clap. i chose one tswift out of the like. six i usually have at the ready for them.

"a case of you" by joni mitchell

I remember that time you told me You said, "Love is touching souls;" surely you touched mine 'cause Part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine You taste so bitter and so sweet, oh I could drink a case of you, darling, and still be on my feet Oh, I would still be on my feet

this one always slips away from me but the second i listen to it, i think about them. it's equal parts tragedy and love, which i think is perfect for them during the blight: that anger and betrayal, even if they know eventually it will pass, is painful, and they live through it regardless. they love each other enough for it to be worthwhile. they are, at this point, a piece of each other: and while ellis is experiencing his very understandable crisis in faith, astoria is in many ways rediscovering hers through him. she thinks there's something genuinely holy in him, in all the pieces of him he thinks are broken: it's a desperate and hungry and absolutely incomparable devotion between them, and she thinks that perfection is impossible but there isn't a goddamn thing about him that doesn't make her think that there's something bigger than them in the universe.

i love the lyrics "go to him, stay with him if you can, but be prepared to bleed" too, for them: they both have to accept one another's imperfections and failures in an honest way, and accept that it won't ever be perfect. and i think during the blight there probably are moments when astoria's mourning what they've lost and fucking miserable for it, because how is she supposed to live without him? how is she supposed to survive without what they had? she learns eventually that the answer is by creating something stronger, but there are definitely moments she thinks it's gone for good.

honorable mentions, because if you get to cheat so do i: "daylight" by taylor swift, "like real people do" by hozier, "to be alone" by hozier, "wedding song" by anais mitchell, "one and only" by joy williams.