#We plan on turning the whole thing into a small documentary for our personal self that we will upload to Youtube after PotA is over.

[ebonytails]

GOT ACCEPTED INTO A LOCAL CON.. BABY'S FIRST ART MARKET

[bubsthebee]

Can’t Say It.

Aizawa x Reader

Word Count: 3,541

A/N: Fluff, dragged out but it’s a happy ending. One shot. Age difference (9 years) Reader is 22 while Aizawa is 31. Mentions of alcohol.  

Reader is a young teacher at UA who has a unique relationship with Pro Hero and coworker Eraserhead. After a while of getting to know each other, will they realize their feelings? OR will they let self doubt get in the way. 

CHARACTER REPORT

Position: UA SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION 

Job Description: Quirk Analysis and Evaluation Processing. 

Name: (L/N), (F/N)                Power: 2/5 D    Intelligence: 4/5 B

Birthday: (5/10)                     Speed: 2/5 B    Cooperativeness: 5/5 A

Age: 22                                 Technique: 5/5 S

Sex: Female (She/Her)

Quirk: Analysis 

-(Y/N) is able to instantly analyze a person and their abilities after observing them, familiarizing themselves with their qurik. This also includes evaluating/predicting situations with higher than average accuracy. With this ability, she can use this information with or against a subject. She can keep up to three peoples' worth of information perfectly memorized at a time. Anymore, her analysis starts to create more errors and her accuracy decreases. 

--

Ever since (y/n) started working at UA, everyone knew that Aizawa’s single streak was in danger. 

While the scruff chined 1-A homeroom teacher taught his bustling young hero course, she supported the admin staff! Specifically falling under processing and evaluating every student's quirk and how to help progress their potential. This means every homeroom teacher ran their notes and evaluations about their students through her every quarter, possibly more depending on how active and intense their training has been. She and her small team are a key to the school’s successful hero and support course. No matter how a quirk was used, they would find the best way to help them improve it. 

Classroom 1-A currently holds the record for most updates and changes to analysis (surprise). With an increase in updates, (y/n) has spent more sleepless nights making sure her work was perfect than she originally thought she was going to. Not that she minded of course! She was young, and found that it helped drive her to improve her passions and skill. Besides her administrative work, she also works as a substitute teacher for English, and Hero Strategy lessons twice a semester. If needed she is more than happy to help with summer lessons. 

Aizawa has had more than his fair share of interaction with the young lady, more than others if one was keeping track. After the hero noticed (y/n)’s sleepless nights because of his students, he offered to stay and bring her coffee. When (y/n) noticed extra heavy bags under his eyes, there would be a nicely wrapped lunch on his desk with a cute thank you note in return. 

Over time a unique relationship developed between the two that anyone looking in could clearly see. Including the students. 

“Mr Aizawa! Your lady friend left ya another lunch, you’re so LUCKY.” Denki and Mineta whined without hesitation. 

“Why don’t we get cute lunches made by cute girls?” 

“Shut up! That’s Ms. (L/n) you’re talking about, not some side chick you dumbos. I think it’s really sweet.” Mina cooed alongside some of the other girls. 

Their homeroom teacher could only sigh, carefully tucking away the lunch box into his work desk as he partially ignored their scattered comments. “Lucky or not, you all should have your notes out and study. Your test scores from  last week clearly tell me I haven’t given enough in class work time. Do I have to cut down on our outside training hours?” The instant shuffling of paper and pencils brought a small smirk to his face. Nothing got his students off his back faster than less training hours. As he took attendance and organized his schedule, the small peeks at the lunch box reminded him about his last encounter with his….coworker. 

--

“Midoriya is such a strange boy you know? I’m surprised his quirk doesn't instantly tear his body apart every time he uses it. I’m glad he’s getting a handle on it, I hated seeing him hurt himself so often.”  You were sat cross legged in your office chair, typing away at your laptop underneath a bright desk lamp.��

“I agree, he needs to learn how to use his body with his quirk.” 

“Exactly!- Well, it looks like his rate of injuries compared to training has decreased. Based off of Recovery Girls records, his quirk usage deteriorated his arm muscle effectiveness. This means he’s got to either limit his usage on his arms, or learn how to use the rest of his body to compensate.” Rubbing your eyes shifted your reading glasses off of your face, exposing the bags that were starting to grow underneath them. 

“You shouldn’t be getting such heavy bags under your eyes like that, you’re too young for those (L/n).” He always notices them, no matter how well hidden. 

“Ya, okay GRAMPS. You’re not that much older than me and YOUR eyes are just as bad, if not worse. And call me (y/n), we’re friends aren't we?” 

Rolling his eyes, Aizawa gets up with a huff to pour some coffee from the nearby coffee pot. “Midoriya is your last report tonight right? Go home, you’ve got Hero Strategy classes tomorrow.” as if on cue, he hands you the cup of warm coffee while you reach out for it with a quiet “Thank you”. 

The way you hold the cup in your hands and let the warm steam brush against your face leaves him staring at you with a soft look. 

“I guess I could leave a little earlier than I thought....” blowing cool air onto the coffee, you slowly take a sip of the warm beverage. Every time you see that look on his face, you can’t help but wonder what he’s feeling. 

After a short while, you both clean up and close the office up. It’s 1 AM and both of you are more than ready to get at least a few hours of sleep in. Like usual, he walks you halfway to your home before bidding his own goodbye. 

“Goodnight (L/n).” As Aizawa turns to walk away, he feels a small tug at his sleeve. 

“I uh-” Turning to look around, he sees you with pinker cheeks underneath a streetlight. How do you always look so...nice? No matter the light you always look nice. 

You slowly slid your hand down his arm to gently hold onto his hand. It was so soft, not just the hold but your skin. You couldn't even look at him but your voice was clear as day. 

“Thank you, for staying with me. I know how tired you must be too….so I feel honored that you decide to spend your important time with me- er, to help me. You’re a great teacher and man Aizawa. Good night.” Just as quick as the moment had started, your touch was gone and you made your way home. 

He was alone, yet he could still feel your touch on his skin. Aizawa stood there for minutes, looking at his hand in awe and strange curiosity. His coworkers and friends told him multiple times, “You two aren’t a thing?”, “It’s obvious that you fancy her Shouta.”, 

“She has to feel the same, you don’t see how she looks at you when you aren’t paying attention.” 

--

         The school bell alerting the start of their first class was what pulled Aizawa out of his mind, looking up to see (y/n) walk into the class with your information tablet. ‘Ah, right. Hero Strategy.’          “Good Morning class! Great to see you all again.” She was chipper as always, her makeup easily covering her endeavors from the night before. The young teacher wore simple black tights with her training sweat jacket, everyone murmured in excitement because this meant that there would be out of class training and demonstrations          Rubbing his exhaustion from his face, the black haired male stands up to go stand near (y/n). “You all have ten minuets to change and get to the field. Any longer and you’ll be stuck in cleaning duty for the week.”

         Iida is quick to stand and grab his fellow classmates attention. “Quickly but in order, please gather your things and head to the gym! No RUNNING!” As valiant as his efforts were, everyone rushed out of the class in fear of being put into the cleaning crew while it was out of their turn. 

         The small smile he saw on your face was sobering, calmly following behind you as you made your way to the gym. 

         Usually, Aizawa would sneak into his sleeping back and nap during other teachers' lessons. These ones were different for him. He would sit off to the side and observe how you worked with the kids.

 While some students could take simple suggestions and immediately apply them, others needed physical examples. You were more than happy to adapt to all their needs as they all trained with their new plans and teachers notes. While Tokoyami nodded and talked with Dark Shadow about your observations, Uraraka carefully mimicked your moves as you slowly countered her attacks explaining how they affected her opponent's momentum even more. 

         He knew you were a natural when it came to children and hero work. The obvious proof was right in front of him. That and he was nine years older than you, yet you both were doing almost the exact same job. That's where everything starts to blur for him. 

         After a quick practice round with Shoji, a rundown with Bakugo about his quirk usage along with Midoriya and the rest of the class, their first class of the day was over. 

         The rest of the day went normal, and (Y/n) left to finish the rest of her lessons while Aizawa did the same. 

 --

         After a long week, you were more than happy to have the weekend to yourself, or so you thought. 

Incoming Call: Keigo <(‘v’)> 

“Keigo?”

 “Hey tiny, sorry to bother but I felt like I should call in and see how you were doing.” 

 “I’m fine, just getting ready to watch some movies and order take in. Had a long week. You?” 

 “Gonna be heading out to an event soon! Glad to hear you're doing good. Any luck with your crush on the office grandpa?”

 You roll your eyes as you wiggle yourself into more blankets, clicking through the different documentaries you could find on YouTube.

  “I don’t have a crush on Aizawa, and even IF I did he is NOT a grandpa. He would probably want someone closer to his age anyway. The whole life experience gap and everything.” 

 “Yeah okay, whatever. Don't get mad at me when you realize I’m right and you're missing out on not being single anymore.” 

 “You’ll be the first person I call when you’re actually right. ” “Ouch-” 

 “Pfft, talk to you later Kei. I have an hour long video about the origin of heroes and it’s calling my name.” 

 “Bye bye!” 

-

         No matter how relaxed you were or how interesting the documentary was, you couldn't get you know who out of your mind. Could you have a crush on Aizawa Shouta? Silver Fox hero of the night? Grumpy man who likes taking naps in the middle of the day? You couldn’t lie, he was attractive and his personality was more than pleasant to you at least. It always felt like something was there between you two..between late night talks and having lunch together sometimes. It felt like there was a connection, and the only thing keeping you two from connecting was a waterfall of hesitation and doubt. 

 “Whatever…”

--

         “WoooOO! Staff Party, this is gonna be a blast Listeners! Present Mic here to keep your evening thrilling with an amazing music selection!” 

         Upbeat music with minimal words played through the old speakers of a rented out ballroom. It was the end of the first semester staff party, everyone was dressed semi formal with their hair done nicely and makeup to match. The decorations were nice, and tables were laid out with food, drinks and chairs to relax and chat. 

         Aizawa was one of the first to show up since he and Yamada came together like usual. Although he socialized with other teachers as they passed by, he stayed closer to the walls and talked with Kayama most of the time. He was dressed fairly well, a simple fitted dark g suit coat with normal slacks. The usually wild and wavy mess of locks was neatly tied back into a very clean half knot that showed off his handsome face. 

         “No date Shouta? I was sure that pretty young thing would be with you tonight. (L/n) Right, she’s such a lovely girl.” Kayama’s hair was curled beautifully around her, a long fitted dress with a deep V cut showing off her lovely charm. Aizawa only rolled his eyes, sipping on his Champaign class to avoid talking even if it was just for a second more. 

         “It would make more sense for her to come in with someone closer to her age or with a friend. She is the youngest person on staff you know.” 

         “Age this age that blah blah BLAH. I know love when I see it-” 

         “Not love, this isn’t some romance film Nemuri.” 

         With a small and understanding smile, Nemuri reaches out to gently pat her dear friend's shoulder. “Someday, you’re going to realize that the things that are holding you back are nothing but a reflection of your own worries. I know you’ll figure it out. You both will. Now try to have fun-” Her attention was stolen away for a moment, a glint of excitement in her eyes clear as day. “If you’re worried about how she feels and how she’s doing, why don't you go show her around and make sure she feels welcomed?” 

         Turning around, the first thing Aizawa see’s is you. A cheesy thing to say, but he almost feels his heart skip a bit.  

         You wore a black turtleneck underneath a midnight blue spaghetti strap dress that fit you just right. Knitted knee high socks and stylish black heel boots finished off your look along with a beautiful pearl pendant necklace. Your hair looked soft and styled in a way he had never seen it before. Your eyes were done up just enough in a way that made them shine even more than they usually do.

         He’s trapped, and he is slowly realizing that he never wants to be set free. 

         When your eyes scan the room for anything familiar, they finally land on a set of eyes that are looking right back at you. You have to stop yourself from visibly gasping, why did his eyes feel so intense? What was he thinking as he made his way across the room to you. 

         Like Moses and the sea, everyone carefully parted to let you both have your moment. They all knew the chemistry between you too, and were more than happy to leave you  alone as they carried on with their conversations and laughter. 

         “You look beautiful.” His voice was low, and held a sense of hesitant tenderness even he was unsure of. You knew he meant it. 

         “And you look very handsome, you even shaved for the party.” With a small laugh you gently ran the back of your fingers across his shaved cheek. This wasn't new, you had done this exact touch multiple times before when you made fun of his stubble yet- it felt more intimate than it ever had before. Aizawa knew he didn't mind it. 

         Carefully sliding his hand into yours, he lifts it up to press a soft and long kiss to your knuckles. “It is a special occasion. Would you like to join me tonight?” He was never a man who cushioned his words, straight to the point and expressing just how he felt was never an issue. You were different. 

         Accepting his offer, you move to accept his offered arm. The night starts slow as you both walk around and chat with other faculty members you work with. With Aizawas help you were confident that you were able to make some new friends, maybe going to this party wasn't so bad after all.

         Everything else almost felt like a breeze. Laughs were shared, drinks were drank- and barriers were being broken down. You and Aizawa found yourselves slowly standing closer and closer together, close enough to where your fingers would brush against each other when one of you moved. All of Pro Hero Eraserhead’s friends could only watch with warm and excited smiles for him. 

         Like always, nights must always come to an end. 

         While some people left to retire for the night, others stayed longer to help clean or help more than drunk coworkers make it home safe. “I’m helping Nemuri make it home Sho! You gonna be okay making it back tonight?” Yamada had Nemuri balancing into his side, laughing as she drunkenly waved some of the others goodbye. “Oh! You all can head back home together if you’d like. I’m just helping clean a bit before I head back home.” you politely cut into their little chat, holding a medium sized black trash bag in your hands. 

         Taking a moment, Aizawa starts to shrug off his coat as he takes the garbage away from you. “I’ll stay behind to help clean. If you’re alright with it I can walk you home.” with wide eyes, the younger teacher could only nod before she turned away to hide her reddening cheeks to pick up more trash and plates. 

         “No worries, now get em TIGEr. RaaArW-” As Kayama tried to cheer her friend on, Yamada tugged her away with an amused laugh of his own. 

          Not even an hour later, everyone was out and the sky was as dark and it could be. The only stars you could see were the large ones as the light pollution shrouded out the smaller and weaker stars. 

         This time around, Aizawa's coat was wrapped around (y/n) shoulders, her head resting on him as they linked arms on the walk back to her house. Instead of splitting off halfway, he walks her all the way up to her front door. It was silent for a moment, the events from tonight silently washing over them. 

         “Thank you Aizawa, this...was a really nice night. I don't think it would have been as enjoyable as it was without you.” (y/n) broke the silence, turning to face and look up at the man she knew she would never look at the same again. Rubbing his mouth in thought, his eyes flicker between the young woman standing in front of him and the road. 

         “I want to thank you as well. I-.” He paused for a moment. 

         “I would like to kiss you, but I understand if you wouldn't. I think after tonight you know what my feelings are for you. I didn't even know about them fully until tonight. Kayama- Midnight was right. I was letting my worries hold me back when I should have been forward like I always am-”  

         Time freezes when he feels your hands pull down his face, your lips eagerly pressing into a kiss with such raw love and desperation. Instantly his arms move around to gently lift you up into him. One minute, two..three. You both only break apart for air and your warm breaths mingle against each other. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while now I think. My friend was right haha...maybe I do have a crush on you. I was just worried because I had no idea if you would even be interested in a relationship, let alone with someone as...young as me. I feel like a high schooler again haha.” 

         The fact that you were able to laugh the way you did and still hold him in your arms brought flutters to his chest. He knew now that he more than just saw you as a coworker or a close friend. He wants to be more. “I know what you mean. Who would want to be with someone as old as me? I would never want to make you feel like I was holding you back.” He would never admit it, but he felt like a young adult experiencing love for the first time...it was a bit embarrassing (in a good way.) 

         “You make me feel so helpless sometimes you know that?” pulling his head down again, (y/n) presses another soft kiss to Aizawa’s forehead. “What am I gonna do with you Aizawa?” 

         “Shouta.”

         “Huh?”

         “Shouta, call me Shouta if you want.” Thankful that it was dark out, he could feel himself heat up at the intimate suggestion. 

         With the way your eyes sparkled while you said his name, he knew he was hooked. There is no going back.          “What am I gonna do with you, Shouta?” 

         “You’ll figure it out eventually. I’ll help you along the way as long as you’ll help me too.” The shared silence was an unbroken promise to do the best you both can. 

         After sharing your final kiss good night, you watch Shouta walk down the street and out of view before returning into the comfort of your home. The jacket around your shoulders smelt strongly of the stoic man you now called yours. Enjoying the warmth and comfort his coat brought you, kicking off your boots you hop over your couch and settle into a comfortable position. 

 Calling: Keigo <(‘V’)>

 “WHY are you calling me at….2 in the MORNING. You gave me a damn heart attack-” 

 “You were right.” your voice was soft and held no regrets. 

 “Right? Right about what?” 

 “You were right, I did have feelings for Shouta. I said you would be the first person to call if you were right. And well, you were right.”          The next hour was spent catching your best friend up on everything that happened tonight. 

-

         On the other side of the story, Aizawa finally made it home and had no problem finding sleep that night. He felt as ease knowing that things weren't going to turn out as bad as he thought it originally was going to be. 

         He can't say it, not yet. 

         But he is in love. 

         And so are you.

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[cpd5021]

Here? Now?!

Hello again! I know I already posted the first story for my one shot Wednesday challenge, but after some careful consideration.....and bargaining over on the “Let’s talk about Upstead” group chat... I have decided to post this smutshot as an added bonus for the week. From here on out, I will probably post one new story every Wednesday until Nov. 11th, but if one of the prompts happen to be a smut shot then I will post that as a bonus. This way, if there is anyone who doesn’t enjoy the smutty/sex fics they don’t miss out on a story for the week. So without further ado, here is this weeks smutty bonus! Based on the prompt’s:

 Really? You wanna have sex.... here? Now?" 

and

 "I may or may not have left some.... marks.”

Sent in by the wonderful @thetwit. Thanks again to everyone who has sent in prompts for the Wednesday challenge series. Hope you enjoy!

Mandatory overtime. Two words that shattered Hailey’s hopes for a long weekend off. Platt had sent out the email yesterday morning that she needed two members from Intelligence to work a patrol detail and since everyone else in the unit had already pulled their fair share of OT, Hailey and Jay volunteered. More so, they were volun-told by Trudy that they would be the ones working. With a sigh, she pulled her unfamiliar blue uniform out of her closest and began the process of getting ready for her shift. She supposed that if there was anyone she was going to be forced to spend time with for the next four hours at work, on a Saturday, at least it would be Jay. Hailey stood in front of her mirror, tugging at the scratchy polyester material of her shirt and then pulling her hair into a quick ponytail. She grabbed her phone from her nightstand and headed downstairs. Vanessa was sprawled out on the couch, looking extra comfy in a pair of baggy sweatpants and an old band tee. She smiled up at Hailey when the older woman walked in. 

“Ah, I don’t miss those days.” Vanessa teased, trailing her eyes up and down Hailey’s uniform. 

“As I recall, you never had ‘these days’.” Hailey countered back with a smile. 

“True true.” Vanessa nodded with a grin, turning her attention back to whatever Netflix documentary she was watching. “At least you get to do it with your boy toy.” Vanessa waggled her eyebrows, popping a chip into her mouth. 

“He’s not my boy toy. And all we’ll be doing is patrol.” Hailey shook her head at her roommates antics.

“Yeah, the ‘it’ I was referring to was the overtime...not anything else.” Vanessa sent her a wink and Hailey felt her face blush at the innuendo. “You two aren’t ballsy enough to mess around at work.” Oh, Hailey thought, if she only knew. 

“And you are?” Hailey challenged, trying to shift the attention off herself. 

“Maybe...” Vanessa trailed off with a smug look on her face. Hailey’s phone when off then with a text from Jay saying he was outside. Since they were in official uniform they had to take an official patrol car and Hailey laughed at the sight of Jay sitting behind the wheel of the old crown vic. She buckled herself in, blushing slightly when Jay leaned over to kiss her cheek, and they were off. 

“So what is this event even for?” Jay asked causally as they turned off her side street. 

“Beats me. You got the same email I did and I definitely wasn’t about to push for more info.” Hailey mocked a shudder at the thought of their harsh desk sergeant. 

“Fair enough. Maybe there will be food trucks.” Jay sounded hopeful and Hailey chuckled. Jay was like a teenage boy when it came to food, he was always hungry and he would eat just about anything. 

They arrived at their destination and Jay parked the patrol car on a street where it would be visible to the crowds. The banner hanging over the street informed them that this was some sort of charity block party and, to Jay’s delight, a row of food trucks were lined down one side of the event. They got out, both tugging at and adjusting their uniforms, before they ventured into the crowds. Hailey had a personal bet going on how long it would take Jay to beg for the food trucks and she wasn’t disappointed when that was the first place he headed. The first place he headed was the pizza truck, ordering them each a slice and a soda. Food in hand, they began to lazily trail through the crowds, heads on a swivel and eyes scanning for anything or anyone out of place. It was a fairly large crowd but most of the patrons seemed to be families with small children. They stood and watched a group of kids playing a water gun game and smiled when the youngest kid won the biggest teddy bear. Jay took her empty plate and soda from her, tossing it in the trash and nodding towards the dessert truck. Hailey laughed and shook her head, but followed him anyway. Hailey was distracted by some guy blowing up balloon animals for another group of kids and didn’t notice that Jay was headed back her way with two giant churro’s. Her eyes bugged out when she finally saw the large dessert and Jay’s beaming smile. He was like a kid in a candy store right now and she could feel her uniform getting tighter with all the food she was consuming. They found a bench and sat to enjoy their treat. Hailey was still scanning the crowds but when her eyes met Jay’s she sent him a quizzical look. Jay must have been staring at her the whole time she was eating, but the look in his eyes sent her heart skipping a beat. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Hailey asked, brushing the sugar from her fingers and dipping her head self consciously.  

“Maybe a churro wasn’t the best thing to get you....” Jay trailed off, voice sounding oddly husky given the circumstances. 

“I don’t follow.” Hailey pressed, sending him another questioning look. 

“Well just watching you eat it, seeing you lick your lips like that...not okay.” Jay trailed his eyes up and down her body and Hailey felt her face flush. 

“Oh, I see. Too bad we’re not ballsy enough for that.” Hailey repeated Vanessa’s earlier words, knowing she was teasing him and already planning what they would be doing after this event. 

“Who said I’m not ballsy enough for that?” Jay asked, eyes a mixture of challenged and questioning. 

“Vanessa was teasing me earlier about getting to do it with my ‘boy toy’ at work. She doesn’t think we’re ballsy enough.” Hailey laughed at the look on his face. 

“So obviously you two don’t gossip like regular girls. You don’t go home and tell her all about our work...activities?” Jay scooted closer to her on the bench and she quickly moved away, maintaining their distance. 

“No Jay.” Hailey said, shifting again when he moved even closer. 

“So she doesn’t know any of it?” Jay pressed, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Nope.” Hailey emphasized the word, moving one more time and finding herself at the edge of the bench.  

“Locker room? Break room? Your desk?” Jay whispered each location, his voice deepening with each mention. Hailey swallowed hard as the memories of each encounter flashed through her mind. 

“No Jay...” Hailey repeated herself, finally standing from the bench and brushing off the crumbs that had fallen on her legs. She looked down at Jay, who remained seated and looked as calm as ever despite how flustered she currently felt. He shifted slightly, leaning back against the bench and she glanced down as he spread his legs, thinking that maybe their was something happening down there that shouldn’t be considering they were in public, in uniform and at work. “Problem?” She asked, eyes meeting his as her heart rate increased again with his look. 

“Maybe a little bit.” Jay replied, eyes moving down her body quickly before meeting hers again. “Why? Did you want to help me with something?” 

“Jay!” She hissed, glancing around to assure no one was overhearing their conversation. 

“That wasn’t a no...” He challenged, looking smug. 

“Yes it was. You’re crazy! That is so not happening.” Hailey crossed her arms stubbornly and looked away from him. 

“Whatever you say.” He gave her a smirk and then stood up, shifting his belt slightly to adjust his growing problem. Hailey huffed and turned to walk towards the crowd. She felt the heat still present on her face but hoped she could play it off as just being hot from the warm Chicago weather. She knew Jay was following her but she didn’t dare look at him as she was trying to regain her focus. They walked slowly through the crowds, moving around the perimeter and scanning the middle. Hailey was starting to think she was in the clear as they made their second loop around the event, Jay walking quietly beside her. Suddenly Jay tugged her arm, halting her movements. His face looked mildly concerned as he nodded towards a dead end alley way full of empty trash bins and crates. 

“We better check that out.” He stated, voice in work mode. Hailey followed him as he strode down the alley until he got to the end and rounded the corner. They stood in a small but empty area, out of the view of the crowds, surrounded by old wooden crates. Hailey glanced around, looking for whatever Jay had followed when he was suddenly in front of her. Hailey looked up as he stepped closer and closer to her, a devilish glint in his eyes as he made her step backwards until she bumped into the wall. As soon as she was against the cool brick wall, Jay’s arms were framing her in, hands on either side of her head. He dipped his head down and pressed a quick kiss onto her mouth. 

“Jay!” She whispered frantically, not liking where this was going. Jay moved down, trailing kisses along her jaw line. Hailey’s hands flew to his shoulders. gripping them tightly as he moved his mouth along her neck. She couldn’t stop the moan that fell from her lips when he nipped the sweat spot just below her ear. “Jay..” She said his name again, voice less frantic and suddenly huskier than before. 

“Come on, we’ll be quick.” Jay whispered against her ear, his hot breath sending shivers down her spine. 

“Quick?” Hailey asked, still trying to talk herself out of this. 

“Yeah, it won’t take me long to get you there...” Jay pulled his head back slightly, biting his lip and boring his eyes into hers. She knew he wasn’t wrong, but this still seemed like an awful idea. 

“Really? You wanna have sex.... here? Now?” Her voice hitched as she finished her questions, Jay’s mouth was back against her neck and he nipped at her skin again, causing her to arch into him. He stepped closer and closed the gap between them. Now she could feel his excitement pressing into her abdomen and all rational of this being a bad idea left her mind. Her hands clasped behind his head and she pulled him into her. His mouth met hers in a heavy kiss as their tongues battled for dominance. Jay kept one hand on the wall behind her while his other moved to her side, gripping her waist firmly before reaching to undo her belt. Hailey held on for dear life as Jay’s hand effortlessly made its way into her pants, sliding underneath the rough fabric and teasing her aching core through her soaked panties. She moaned against his mouth as she felt one finger pull the fabric aside and slide into her heat. He teased her slowly, moving his finger in and out at a tantalizing pace. Hailey’s hip bucked into his hand, craving more from him. He smiled against her lips, drawing her bottom lip between his teeth and giving it some gentle pressure. He pulled his finger out slowly and then slide two back into her, his palm coming to rub against her bundle of nerves. Jay used his knee to spread her legs further apart and the new contact was enough to push her over the edge. She clung to his neck as she felt her walls begin to tremble. Jay kept his mouth over hers, silencing the scream with a kiss. Hailey rode out her orgasm, grinding down onto his hand and then trembled as her body came down from its high. Jay pulled back from the kiss, allowing them to both catch their breath and smiled down at her. 

“Shhh, there’s kids around.” He teased, earning a smack on the back of his head. 

“Shut up.” Hailey said breathlessly but smiled up at him. He withdrew his hand from her pants, causing her to whimper at the loss of contact. Hailey reached down, palming his hardened member through his pants. Jay groaned at her ministrations, hips slightly bucking into her hand. Hailey made quick work of his zipper and then slid her hand down to grasp him. Her hands set about an easy rhythm and Jay knew it wouldn’t take her long to finish him, but he wasn’t done yet. Jay stalled her movements, gripping her wrist and looking around the surrounding area. He nodded towards a crate beside them and Hailey looked up at him questioningly. Jay tugged her arm gently, causing her to move with him. He shifted her to stand in front of the crate that came up to her waist and then moved to stand behind her. Jay slid his hand back down into her pants, teasing her bundle of nerves once again. His hot breath ghosted over her ear as he nipped at the skin below it. Hailey shivered against him and gripped the crate in front of her. Jay had one hand down her pants while the other wrapped around her waist, holding her steady. 

“Do you trust me?” He whispered into her ear. His voice deep with lust. Hailey couldn’t get her voice to work so she simply nodded her head, eager to see what he had in mind. Jay pulled his hand out of her panties and then gently tugged her pants down to rest just below her thighs. She glanced back and watched as he pulled his hardened member out. One hand gripped her hip softly while his other one went to her lower back, carefully pushing her forward to lean on the crate. Hailey moaned when she felt his tip tease her entrance, gripping the wooden crate harder as she realized what was about to come. With one slow motion, Jay slid his full length into her and the angle had her almost coming right then and there. He set about a slow pace, letting her adjust to his size, before picking up his speed. Hailey ground her hips back, meeting his every thrust. The angle was hitting spots she didn’t think possible and she knew it wouldn’t be much longer. Jay’s hand continued to grip her waist and his other hand reached around to her front, flicking her swollen bundle. 

‘You ready?” He whispered against her neck, causing her to shiver again. His voice was all it took to push her over the edge. Her walls began to quiver around him and her legs felt weak. 

“Yes..” She breathed, feeling the burn in her lower abdomen as her orgasm crashed into her. “Jay...fuck...” Hailey dipped her head down, shoving her hand into her own mouth and biting down to stop the scream that threatened to erupt from her. She felt Jay come undone above her and they stilled for a moment, both out of breath. He slowly pulled out of her and helped her to stand back up. They tidied themselves up the best they could and tucked their uniforms back into place. Hailey adjusted her ponytail she knew had been destroyed during their romp and then smiled up at Jay whose face was still flushed from his high. He reached up, playing with the collar of her shirt, a sheepish grin on his face. 

“What?” She asked, tilting her head in question. 

“I may or may not have left some.... marks.” He gave her another sheepish grin when her hands flew up to her neck. 

“Jay!” She hissed, caressing the skin of her neck. 

“No one will notice..” He shrugged, feigning innocence. 

“You better hope not!” She threatened quietly, a smile still on her face. 

“I mean, it was sorta worth it...right?” Jay asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. 

“It was. I guess.” Hailey admitted, teasingly shoving him back wards. “We better get back out there, only have one more hour to patrol.” 

“Then your place for beers?” Jay asked as they made their way back into the crowd. 

“No way. Vanessa can’t see these, I’ll never live it down.” Hailey motioned towards her neck, rolling her eyes at his grin. 

[maidenof-thesea]

Snakes and Butterflies | Preface

Pairing: Jimin x reader

Genre: Soulmate Au!, Fluff, Angst, Smut (Maybe, still debating)

Words: 2.1k 

Warnings: MC briefly mentions self harm but she recovers. 

Note: So this is my first series, I sort of dabbled in writing when I was younger. so I’m no expert but feedback is appreciated. I always enjoyed reading fan-fictions and always wanted to try it myself. Hope you like it! 

"So your room will be on the 3rd floor, facing the parking lot behind this building" I say to the couple in front of me as I hand them the keys to their hotel room. When they both reach for the keys I see their soulmate marks both matching arrows. I look up and feel my fake customer smile come on my face as I met their gaze. "Elevator is on the first hallway to your right as soon as you leave out the door. Dial zero if you have any questions." As soon as the couple is out of hearing range, I let out a sigh that Fernando, the security guard, hears.

"It's almost time till you get off," He says. "I have 7 more hours to go.."

"Oh you’re right" I say, as I look at the time on my phone. "Time to go home to the love of my life: my Yuki."

"Y/n, you need to go out and have fun like other girls your age," He says laughing and rubbing his beer pot belly. "You never know, you might just meet the love of your life...which would be nice in times like these.."

"Times like what?" I say counting out my last cash drop of my shift. "Did you see something on Facebook again? I told you so many times--"

"I saw this on the local news!" He says with red blotching his cheeks. "Young girls! Young girls around your age getting abducted! They turn up later on having no memory only that their Soulmate marks are gone!"

"Let me guess," I say printing out my paperwork and logging out of the system so that I could wait for my relief to come running through the door late again. "All these girls had a bunch to drink while having this so called 'fun' you say and this happened to them."

He stammers for words and in comes running my coworker who happens to work the graveyard shift. I saluted her and  I gestured for her to hurry up and clock in since guests are pulling in the parking lot. She smiles and hurries to start the beginning of her shift, while Fernando walks me to my car.

"Okay," He starts when we reach my car. "Perhaps not now but later when this whole ordeal dies down." I hum in response ready to get in my car as I unlock it, but he stops my door from opening. 

"I just worry about you, that's all y/n. Most girls either rebel or try very hard to find the one that matches their Mark but you.. you hide behind those sweaters and let no one near you, I've never even seen your Mark-"

“Fernando," I say grasping his shoulder. "There's no need to worry, I'm just letting fate decide for me. We've been blessed with this, surely fate means for me to come across them at some point in my life." I feel my other hand clench at the word 'blessed'. Surely to me it was a curse. I force myself to smile and I see that it works, he's convinced. "I just want time for myself. I want to grow into a person that feels like she's lived her life and is willing to open up and welcome someone." That wasn't a lie, that was genuine and I felt my voice wavering with emotion. Emotion I didn't know I still had. Fernando pats my hand and opens my door. I roll down the window after starting the ignition. I smile as I hear his radio go off, my coworker stating she needs him upfront. 

"Alright then miss," he says smiling. "I will let you go now and get some sleep!" I wave at him, as I reverse out and start the short drive home. My smile fading off my face as I clenched the steering wheel, willing myself to force unwanted emotions and memories away and drove the short distance to my home.  

The reason I decided to move out here to one of the beach cities was to escape. I found solitude in the sounds of the waves. My friend Jennie had recommended me to stay in this house alongside her family’s private beach, once I had told her my plans of moving out. She told me the rent would be really cheap which was impossible to believe but she told me that her family was planning on making it an airbnb during the summer and that they needed someone to manage it. She offered a wage but of course I declined, I just told her to hire someone to clean and I’ll manage the rest. 

It had been a year since then and now summer was just peaking over the horizon again and I knew I was gonna have to take time off to get everything situated. As I got through my door, my beloved Yuki, my tonkinese cat greets me with her purring and rubbing around my ankles.

“Hello my precious, how was your night?”

She purrs and licks my petting hand. I go to take off my coat and shower before bed. As I strip my work clothes, my arms catch my glance and from the conversation from earlier, I am reminded just how much of a freak I am. Where there should have been a Mark, lied just my skin. Scarred skin, to be exact, scars that matched my finger nails.

Rather than face the questions and pity in people’s faces, I rather hide. Hide just how pitiful my life has been. As the warmth of the water envelops me, I don’t feel the need to hide, at least not here in my own home, well that is till the summer. I force the pity I have for myself away and hum a tune. After that I fed Yuki a late night snack and turned on the TV to watch some Netflix. Just then my phone dinged and I saw a message from my mother. 

Mom[10:47 pm]: Have you seen this? Link: ww.foxnews.com/missingMarks

I clicked on the link and apparently the news I thought was just local made national news. 

“Today in a small town in southern California, tragedy has struck for several young adolescents who were out enjoying their youth when their very futures may very well change forever.” I rolled my eyes at that. They’ll live. “These women were abducted and their Soulmate marks stripped from their arms. All of them have no recollection of their whereabouts in the last 14 hours. Here’s Nancy with one of the victims.”

The clip changes to a girl with her eyes blurred out but it was evident that she was crying as she kept wiping her face. 

“I swear I just needed some air, I stepped out for a bit and I woke up at some park and this excruciating pain in my arm… my Mark was gone, almost as if it was burned off! How am I ever-gonna find them?!” 

Once again I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes, although a part of me was reminded of my teenage years but now older me, thrives in independence. My phone dings again, indicating another message from my mother.

Mom[10:52 pm]: They think there’s some Neanderthals out there taking Marks away… is that even possible? I thought they were extinct…

Me[10:52 pm]: I thought that was just a bedtime story??

Mom[10:55 pm]: Seriously? It’s in the history books! Why would you think that?

Me[10: 57 pm]: You know why… I don’t really care for things involving those stupid Marks. Besides I learned that along with basic math, how am I supposed to remember that?

Mom[10:57 pm]: I know sorry. But you should at least know our history!

Me[10:58 pm]: Ok I’ll watch a documentary on it on Netflix right now

Mom[10:59 pm]: You just got off work! Go to sleep!

Me[10:59 pm]: yea yea goodnight <3

“Maybe we should just sleep Yuki?” I say as she jumps on my lap and continues to purr and make herself comfortable before I could even get up. “Oh well guess I’m not moving.”

I grab the remote and start Netflix and about to click on Stranger, a Korean drama that I binged in the night prior but a new planet earth documentary catches my eye. This time instead of endangered species it’s about Neanderthals, an extinct race of human beings.

“Would you look at that?” I say tilting my head in curiosity. “Guess I am gonna learn our history.”

As the documentary starts to play, I get a text from my boss that she needs me off for tomorrow so I could work a full shift the day after and I internally groan but realize I can sleep in tomorrow. The theme song of Planet Earth starts playing and I am reminded of my childhood when I see the photograph of the Neanderthals, they look more ape like than human. I begin to wonder if they really actually looked like that or if they were exaggerated or not. Would they still look like that or would evolution help them adapt among humans now? Assuming that they were still alive…

“Humans and Neanderthals have always had their differences and constantly were at war with each other. Evolution had blessed humans with the abilities to procreate faster by aiding humans to find suitable partners. Each generation of humans was more beautiful than the previous. The Neanderthals, unfortunately were unable to evolve like us human beings and they would rape and pillage humans in order to procreate. Thanks to our advancement in evolution, humans were able to develop better weapons and eradicate the Neanderthals…”

“Okay,” I said rolling my eyes, raising the remote control. “Enough of that genocide bullshit.”

“But what if that’s all a lie?” a man obscured in the video said. On the bottom where typically the name of professors or researchers would be credited, the name ‘John Doe’ was instead. This caused me to raise my eyebrows. This man did not want to be known. Of course what he just said is considered blasphemous. “What if I were to tell you that humans are not the apex predators-that we never were the apex predator? That our ancestors may have won the war but fabricated history for their benefit?”

“That’s quite possible,” I mumbled. “But how could you possibly obtain the evidence to prove that?” 

“Of course there is no evidence left to prove that but I have dedicated my entire research into finding the remaining Neanderthals. Our ancestors could never locate the actual origin of the Neanderthals-”

“Seriously? I thought that place was just a myth!” I exclaimed, rousing Yuki from her sleep. With the flick of her tail she hopped off the couch and headed to my bedroom to sleep on my bed. “Sorry baby.” 

The documentary went on and on about the possibility that Neanderthals may live among us. That everything we know is a lie, that Neanderthals were the ones who evolved, they were the ones that had Soulmate marks… but there was no evidence to support it.

I turned off the TV when the credits started to roll. “Well another documentary to piss off the republicans.” My eyes started to feel heavy and instead of going to my bed I just pulled the throw blanket over myself and fell asleep. 

“Y/n look! Fireflies!” a boy with crescent moon eyes and Cheshire smile came running up to me with cupped hands. On his arm, was a Soulmate mark that wrapped around his entire arm, like a snake. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen. Most marks were abstract symbols but this was the first animal one I had ever seen.

“Can I see, Jimin?” another boy said excitedly running with buck teeth, almost like a bunny’s. 

“No I want to show Y/n first!” and the boy called Jimin reached me and opened his hands.

The fireflies floated up the sky and both me and the other boy stared in awe. The other boy proceeded to try and catch the fireflies once more and when I looked back at Jimin, he was already staring at me with a gleam in his eyes. He reached for my hand and when our skin made contact, a shiver went through the both of us. When I looked at our joined hands, I noticed that instead of a snake tail on his wrist, the snake’s body seemed to morph into particles and the particles continued onto my arm and morphed into butterflies..like a puzzle piece.

“Y/N-”

Next

Masterlist 

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 126

Chapter Summary - Tom and Danielle are enjoying their trip to Italy.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

I always loved that dog mosaic. Cave Canem is effectively the Latin for Beware the Dog, so I love that someone loved their dog so much they paid a professional artist to put a mosaic on their doorway of it. I am so envious of the archaeologist that got to unearth that.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine.

I WILL get there, it is my dream!

All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​​ @nonsensicalobsessions​​ @damalseer​​ @hiddlesbitch1​​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​​ @salempoe​​ @wolfsmom1​

‘What do you think?’ Tom asked as they sat overlooking the vineyard.

‘I think a wine tasting is wasting on my sorry ass.’ Danielle beamed as she raised her glass. ‘They all taste similar to me.’

‘And the food?’

‘I already told you, I am not leaving.’ Tom chuckled. ‘Thank you, Tom. I...I love it.’

‘Delighted to hear you say that. Now, about that pasta…’ He eyed her carbonara, licking his lips.

‘They are going to have to shove us in the doors of that plane.’ Danielle joked as she stole some of Tom’s risotto. ‘I think this is the first one of these I have ever seen that is not a mushroom risotto.’

‘Yes, it’s the most common.’ Tom concurred as he stole some of her food. ‘It is exquisite.’

‘I’m telling you, I am not leaving. Ring your mum, get her to send on our dogs and we will stay here, forever.’

‘You need to go back, remember how you were going to take over the business world.’

‘I think it was taking over me for a while.’ She sighed as she enjoyed sitting in the sun.

‘I think you may be right, but we won’t let that happen again.’ Tom promised. ‘We need to do more small trips like this.’ He took her hand in his and kissed it.  ‘Are you ready for tomorrow?’

‘Yes. Oh, my God, I am so bloody excited.’ She beamed, looking at the dormant volcano that was not too far away. ‘This is incredible.’

‘Only the best.’

*

Danielle was like a child on a tour at a toy shop as she looked at the remains of the old city. Both she and Tom were in awe, both having studied Roman history and civilisation, they both knew of the city from school and from the countless shows they could recall seeing as youths before actively seeking documentaries as adults, both individually and together. ‘Is it wrong to say I love this?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, about sixteen thousand people died as a result of the eruption, so that obviously is not a good thing, but to see it, to be here, after thirty years of hearing and reading about it.’

‘That’s true.’ Tom conceded. ‘But you don’t mean it in a bad way, so it’s fine to say it. I feel the same. I never got to see it properly. I passed by, but never really got to see it, so doing this at all, much less with you, is wonderful.’ He put on his sunglasses as he spoke. ‘I think everyone needs to get out of Britain, and Ireland for that matter, for some part of the winter, seeing some sun is a rare and needed occurrence.’

‘I can’t even attempt to argue that.’

‘Nervous?’

‘About seeing the city? Why would I be? I mean, I know she is overdue an eruption, but there are warnings in place these days.’ Danielle dismissed.

‘I mean about the email.’

Danielle pursed her lips. They were three days into their holiday and the day before, their day was interrupted by an email from Branagh, stating that work as to start, as soon as she returned. The weather was wet enough to serve their requirements, so they needed to avail of what they could. ‘Nervous or not, it needs doing. Are you okay with…?’

‘I will look after our boys. I have a few things I need to do for Early Man, but on the whole, I will deal with everything. He said it would only be about a fortnight.’

‘We’ve done longer than that. We will do longer than that again.’ She smiled.

‘Yes.’ Tom gave her a weak smile.

Danielle looked at him for a moment before speaking again. ‘I keep thinking you are on the verge of saying something to me but are hesitating.’

Tom’s brows knit together before he cleared his throat and looked at her. ‘Do you?’

‘Yes. Is everything okay?’

‘Yes, of course.’ Tom smiled, but she was still uncertain. ‘I am just thinking over a few things. Actually, I do have something to ask you.’ Danielle gave a small facial expression that told him she was paying attention. ‘Mum’s Christmas present?’

‘Yes?’

‘What are you getting her?’

‘I thought a nice weekend in that hotel near your cousins, so she can be spoiled and see your aunt all in one.’

‘Damn, you’re good.’ Tom commended.

‘I know right.’ She winked. ‘Why, what were you thinking?’

‘She wants to go to a show, so I am thinking of bringing her.’

‘Oh, she will love that.’ Danielle smiled. ‘Is it in London, you should bring her to Gordon Ramsey’s place beforehand, she is dying to go there.’

Tom’s brow rose slightly. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, apparently he got some new thing in, I don’t know exactly what, but she is gagging to go and I think she would love you to bring her.’

‘You are the best partner ever, scoping this out for me.’ He kissed her.

‘What show?’

‘Nutcracker, ballet. Not my thing really, but you know Mum.’

‘Oh, she will love it.’ Danielle agreed. She took out her phone.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Telling Emma, she wanted to know what we are doing so that no one accidentally gets her the same thing.’

‘Of course.’ Tom self-scolded, knowing that Sarah had texted her present of a holiday with her and Yakov and Sophie to France for a week already. ‘She is spoiled.’

‘And rightly so, your Mum deserves it.’

‘Yes, she does.’ Tom agreed.

Danielle sent the message before smiling with satisfaction and putting her phone away again. ‘Don’t forget to turn your phone on silent.’ She instructed.

‘You will not be happy if someone doesn’t on this tour, will you?’

‘Oh, they’ll be added to the Pompeii death toll, I swear. Murder will occur.’ Danielle promised as she walked forward, Tom chuckling as he put his hand around her waist and kissed her temple. ‘You know you would be reluctant to stop me.’

‘I would, but that would ruin the holiday, you being imprisoned. I plan to treat you more before our return to wet and windy London.’

‘Fine, I won’t murder inconsiderate people, I may maim them though.’

‘I only ask that you try not to.’ Tom joked as they stood, ready to listen to their guide.

*

Danielle stood staring at the mosaic floor. She could not remember the first time she had seen the image in front of her, seeing it in person was something she was unsure she would ever do, but there it was, she could not help the little smile on her face.

‘You like this, yes?’ She turned to see the Italian girl that was giving their tour.

‘Very much.’ Danielle smiled. ‘It looks so fresh, not two thousand years old.’

‘It is my favourite too. I remember the day I saw it first, I thought the same.’ She smiled.

The pair made small talk for another few minutes before the woman excused herself to bring them on more of the tour.

‘You look somewhat lost?’ Danielle smiled.

Tom walked back to her, having left her side for a moment to read something he realised he had missed only for the guide and Danielle to start their conversation in his absence. ‘I felt it would be wrong to have inserted myself into your conversation. Having fun.’

‘So much. I love this.’

Tom looked at the mosaic on the floor. ‘It looks better than I thought it would after so long.’

‘Kind of like yourself.’ Tom’s eyes widened before he gave her a playful glare. ‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist.’ She giggled.

Tom wrapped his arms around her. ‘You terror.’

‘Yes, I am.’ She smiled.

‘I cannot believe how much you have changed.’ Danielle frowned and looked at him. ‘Six months ago, I would never have been able to hold you like this in public.’

‘Six months changes a lot. The constant little din of photographers, comments and people have slowly built up my resilience to these things. I know we could and probably will be photographed here, but I don’t care. People will comment on me, us, whatever and I will laugh at the stupid comments, smile at the nice and scoff at the rest because I care more about your ginger-haired arse than I ever will about what they think.’

‘We both know you love my ass.’ Tom grinned.

‘I do, that’s not a secret at this stage.’ Danielle smiled back.

Tom braved leaning in to give her a kiss, somewhat startled when she leant up and met his lips with hers. ‘I love you.’ He whispered against her lips.

‘I am somewhat fond of you too, Mr Hiddleston.’ She smiled back.

*

‘Elle?’ Tom looked around the room as he came out of the bathroom. ‘Stop hiding, we have to go back to Rome today.’

‘No, we don’t.’ He turned to see Danielle on the balcony.

‘Yes, we do.’

‘Give me one good reason why we need to go back.’

‘I have two, their names are Bobby and Mac.’ She made a face that showed her reluctant conceding as she walked back inside. ‘We will be back.’

‘I know, but I love it so much. It’s so carefree here.’

‘It is.’

‘Your phone was buzzing.’

‘Thanks.’ Tom checked it before rolling his eyes and throwing it down.

‘Dare I ask?’

‘Us being tactless for getting engaged at Pompeii, us being too “in people’s faces” about our relationship and me trying to recreate the beach photo of me and Taylor.’

‘Forget about them.’ Danielle dismissed. She turned and got her own phone, typing something before scanning it. ‘Look at the nice instead. I am not the only one loving your new facial hair, it is a big thing.’ She sat on the bed, Tom joining her immediately. ‘People, for the most part, are saying it is natural affection and…..why didn’t you tell me my underwear was showing? Tom!’ she playfully slapped his arm as Tom chuckled next to her. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake. You’re terrible.’ He licked his teeth as he grinned. ‘They are not exactly plain either.’ Tom started chuckling again. ‘Unbelievable.’ Danielle went to get off the bed only for Tom to pull her back. ‘How would you like it?’ She asked.

‘There are pictures of me with my boxers showing.’

‘When you wear them.’

‘Part of the reason I sometimes don’t.’ He grinned, leaning over and kissing her.

‘Don’t start, or you’ll need another shower.’

‘That is hardly a deterrent.’ Tom grinned, kissing her again.

[everydaymamaof3]

An awakening in a new decade...

2020, A new decade. A decade where we seem to be a bit more awakened to the world and to all of the bs, corruption and harm in it! We care about our planet and it’s species, more now than ever...and it’s funny because this was the prediction for 2012. The mayans predicted an awakening felt across the world. So maybe this awakening is just a little bit late.

For me personally, it’s also a bit of an awakening, this is an amazing decade ahead, of things I’ve manifested. I plan to expand my business. My first born daughter is getting married, and has followed her career dreams. My husband is doing incredibly well in his position. My girls are thriving. My friendships are genuine and real. My self esteem is on point. My focus is clear. My goals are precise. But it wasn’t always this way. And I will continue to be a work in progress. I manifested my main goal in life, to be a good mom, inspiring, and an honest role model. Even though I made some terrible choices in the past, I still managed to do this. You are not your past.

Some things that I’ve learned from the last decade about myself are, I still suffer a very small amount, from insecurities due to other people’s views of me. It’s psychological I’ve realized. It’s from emotional trauma through my period of self destruction. People can be so cruel. There’s no way to sugar coat this. And through my difficult time, other people’s views affected me more than they’ll ever know. Whispering, judging, spreading rumours...it DESTROYS people. It took me 12 years of clarity, to finally feel and realize that people do this out of their own insecurities. A good trick I’ve learned, is to look for the good in people, and ask yourself, why are they the way they are? Why do they find me so interesting. Why do they whisper about others? Why do they treat people that way? Why do they need other people to make them feel whole? When you turn bitterness, jealousy, and envy, into empathy or even sympathy and curiosity, and start to think about them and their choices and surroundings, it’s much easier to swallow and to move past it. And you know what, if you have these feelings, that is OK! Whether people are or aren’t judging you. If you didn’t have these feelings, you wouldn’t be human! We all get jealous, or envious, or insecure. Just figure out how to deal with it. How to release it. It’s NOT your burden to carry what others think of you.

I’ve learned that my body is beautiful, I love it. It brought me my beautiful daughters. My husband finds it sexy. He loves my curves, my strong arms, and even my little bit of cottage cheese on the backs of my thighs. Yep I said it. And cellulite sucks. Bless sarongs.

We live in an era now where social media is taking over the world, almost forcefully it seems. It’s become a normal part of our lives. It’s how people communicate, stay in touch, blog, inspire, sell, promote, complain...which isn’t great, but hey, better out than in (wise words from Shrek). People are open about anxiety and depression and panic attacks, and the struggles of parenthood, and many more struggles, and it’s much more normalized now, because it IS part of being human. A big trend in society is wellness. Documentaries on thinking yourself well, how the mind and attitude contribute to your overall health. Which, I mean, how great is that? There’s a huge abundance of it on social media.

I personally get anxiety from time to time, I recognize it, I share it, using writing to express myself, I move past it, and I find a lot of inspiring, real life women from across the globe, posting about the very same thing, and how they personally cope and manage. It’s a great tool for advice, tips and feeling human.

Exercise is my go to for EVERYTHING! Same routine for the past 10 plus years. Up early, coffee, workout, start the day. I love working out in the comfort of my home, I didn’t always, but once I got into a good groove, I really started to love it, and as I’m aging, I’m also noticing more tweaks and pangs in my body, so I listen. I alternate workouts, whether it’s running, or yoga, or HIIT, or my newest passion, spin!

I feel good, I feel fit, I’m not skinny. I’m strong, and maintaining muscle mass as we age is crucial in keeping our bodies strong, so if I can emphasize one thing, it’s be, and stay active. Good for mental health and good for physical health. And please don’t diet! It’s a short term solution! Be patient and consistent with just a well balanced diet, smaller portions, better choices, vegan is seriously amazing, and do something active everyday for at least 20 minutes.

Now back to the social media thing...it’s a wonderful tool, but it’s also a very damaging tool to people suffering from low self esteem or who are comparison living. I find myself getting caught up in it too sometimes. And I notice my emotions drastically change. I don’t feel great, and it turns into irritation, and mood swings. Hmmm irritation and mood swings from scrolling social media? Sound familiar? Yeah...because it happens to most of us. What is it exactly? Jealousy? Annoyed? Just an overload of pretend? Comparing? So guess what...change it. Unfollow. Hide. Or eliminate. Anyone who doesn’t make you feel good when you see their picture or post, should not be on your feed. My biggest goal this year and forward, quality in life, over quantity. “The little red heart on Instagram is now widely considered currency for public approval” ~ Health Canada How unhealthy does that sound?

Some don’t like my honesty, but I’ll never change who I am because of it. I like to share personal and honest so that whomever out there, even if it’s just one person, can read it, and exhale and feel normal or not alone.

You don’t have to accept aging if you don’t want to. You can express being overwhelmed. You don’t have to be a part of something that you can’t be yourself in. You don’t have to go to that family function. You don’t have to please people. An actual statistic, 64% of women have people pleasing coping mechanisms!!! 64%!! That’s 6.5 out of 10 women are trying to please others at the cost of what?

You are the only person who can protect your peace and those who matter in your life, really don’t mind. Remember my blog about the ripple affect. It’s very real. Push yourself to be or do what you don’t really want to be or do, and watch it ripple down into other aspects of your life. Relationships shift, weight shifts, work is harder than normal, motivation tanks...it all gets affected when you aren’t living true to yourself. And when I say true to yourself, I mean, when you are feeling at your best, not questioning anything, or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, when you feel like the best version of you, stop and take note of what’s exactly going on in your life, and strive for more of that. It’s not all gonna be perfect, there’s always gonna be ebbs and flows...but you shouldn’t be living everyday feeling awful on the inside, but smiling on the outside. Reach out. Or write it down and burn it. Find a way to get back to you. Have a time out.

Surround yourself with people who truly inspire you. Who are consistent in their behaviour. Who you feel really good around. Not unsure, or uneasy. That, my friends is your intuition speaking to you when you don’t feel quite right around a person or people, or in a situation you shouldn’t be in. Listen to it.

Yes it’s great to step out of your comfort zone, but not at the cost of your peace.

I used to feel bad about being such a home body, I’m missing this and that, but in the past few years I’ve stopped feeling bad about it, because this time, right now, this tiny window of time that I have with my kids is so valuable and important to ME personally. Travelling with my family, weekend activities, downtime.. I’ll have all the time in the world to do other things when they’re grown. And that’s just me. Some women thrive on ALL of it! And you are amazing too! I feel overwhelmed and get run down easily if I pile my plate too high...maybe because I’m an energy absorber? Maybe not. But I’ve learned that I don’t function at my best on mom auto pilot. I’ve learned though to say, I’m tapping out, BEFORE the eruption of motherhood. That’s part of getting to know yourself. Time with your spouse. Time out. You time.

Don’t set unrealistic goals, don’t force yourself to do things you don’t wanna do, celebrate yourself with self care as much as you can, confide in your spouse, or closest confidantes, and nobody else, change jealousy and bitterness to empathy and curiosity about why people are the way they are. And use challenges with people as growth.. what did I learn from this.

Everyone’s fighting a battle we know nothing about! Even the happiest people in the world have struggles now and again!

I’m enjoying the shift I see happening in the universe. People calling people out for their wrong doings. Not accepting that in our world more and more. Reusing more. Not ashamed to state we buy used. Used clothing is no longer taboo! People are spending more time with family. More time getting to know themselves, FOMO is becoming a thing of the past, as it’s now trendy to enjoy being a homebody, listening to a podcast. Women are empowering each other more than ever. If a woman is body shamed by one or two, one hundred or two hundred are defending her. Magazine covers are curvy women, elderly women, disabled women...and they’re just as beautiful, as any model that graced the covers in the past. Men are allowed to cry and show emotion, and promote being family men and active dads over “bread winners and workaholics”. Skinny is out. Healthy is in. Strong is in. Kindness is in. Vegan is in. So even though the world still seems a bit scary, it is shifting...focus on the positives. And allow yourself to have days where you see the negatives, but don’t stay there, allow it, move on. You are human. It’s not only unrealistic, but unfair to yourself to not have bad days! They’re growth days ♥️

Living your life simply, true to yourself, focused on the right priorities, knowing you are loved, and giving love back, is how you manifest all the goodness and goals and dreams. Living otherwise is putting a block on allowing good things into your life ✨ Just be you and watch the magic happen.

[literalcreativeidiot]

Reset. || November 17th, 2018.

“So how’s Stink doing? I miss the little fart machine.”

“He’s fine. I’ve slowly but surely weaned him off your scent so he’ll be good eventually.”

“And Princess?”

“Wouldn’t have noticed you were gone even if I went blue in the face telling her about it.”

“That’s my girl!”

It wasn’t the first time the two—Maxine and Derrick—walked the halls of the Staples Center during an event to just have idle chatter and “shoot the shit” as it were. However, this time was different. There was a sense of comforting realization that had swept over them as they walked through the busy halls during this day.

Derrick had always had a ritual when it came to the Takeover events that came 24 hours before one of the marquee pay-per-views. For some reason, he didn’t know why, he always liked to come by and take in the atmosphere as a quasi-fan/member of the writing staff that was just there to watch the process unfurl. Gave him a new perspective and, of course, free access to catering and one of the lush seating areas to watch the show in peace without being annoyed. Weird quirk that came from him being a fan all these years that he’d wanted to take in a show in the most fully immersive way he could without being amongst the chatter. Method to his madness so to speak. This was also the first time the two of them walked the halls of an arena together since her departure.

They had talked it over for a while—her potentially leaving the company after her many years of service to go be part of something she always wanted to do. And when that opportunity came, she leapt at it, though not without a decent level of consternation. If before, she couldn’t dream of leaving then why did she jump on the first thing screaming out of town? Especially if it meant being away from her beloved. And why wouldn’t he create much of a stink about it and readily resign himself to them being, essentially, bicoastal in a long-distance relationship? Sketchy, but they never really shared the details with everyone.

“So how’ve you been? I know it’s been like...a month or so since you were out here and we haven’t really talked all that much because work but still. How are you?” Maxine said, folding her arms underneath her chest as she stood in front of him.

“Doing what I do best: working, listening to true crime documentaries and trying to figure out if I can finagle my way into tax exempt status.” Derrick joked, the corners of his mouth peeking up with a grin. “But for real, I’m good, though. Haven’t had an episode or drank too much to the point where I say too much about anything. Really, just taking shit one day at a time as per usual.”

“So basically you haven’t spiraled. That’s good to hear; makes me feel better and I don’t have to worry as much.” She said, sliding a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I see how you dealt with things.” He said, reaching his hand out to swipe his fingers over the deep dark red-colored bangs that hung over her forehead. “Cutting your own bangs...again. Wise move.”

She shook her head vehemently as a means to move from his hand, letting out a laugh at his assertion. “What, I’m the only one who makes rash choices with their hair? I got annoyed, briefly, and did it, saw the result, freaked out for like fifteen minutes and then I decided the best course of action was to distract people from it by wearing low cut tops and tilting my head at different angles. Hats are the next option!”

“You can’t put a big floppy hat on everything and expect it to just not catch everyone’s attention. It doesn’t work that way.” Derrick responses with a chuckle, shaking his head.

“Try me, okay? It can happen.”

It was something that he admired in her, the irrational confidence she had that she could do and pull off mostly anything. Made it easier to shrug things off if and when they went awry and to celebrate when it went as planned. Method to the madness, as one would say.

“So how are things back over there? Neighbors haven’t noticed I was gone all that much?” Maxine asked as the two took a seat at an empty table in the concession area, far enough away so people wouldn’t be interrupting their conversation all that much.

“Things are fine; Halloween was a mess. One of the houses got tagged with the phrase, ‘I wouldn’t fuck her with Elvis’ dick’.” He stated, shoulders bouncing up and down as he tried to contain his laughter.

“Oh, God—was it the Johnson Twins?” She beamed with a laughter, reaching a hand out to rest on his forearm.

“Of course it was the Johnson Twins. They’re the only ones who would do something that incredibly dumb.”

There were a few beats of silence that was gradually getting drowned out by the typical mix of chatter that came from people congregating in the arena. It allowed the two of them to look at each other with seemingly pleasant expressions on their faces, taking the time to collect their thoughts.

“So….have you told anyone yet?” She asked after clearing her throat, turning her head and scratching the back of her neck.

“You mean outside of Dad, Melinda, Casey, and Kat? Nope. Not a single word. Not yet at least.”

“Derrick.” She chastised him playfully, giving him a look that could best be described as ‘what the fuck’.

“What?! I don’t need to tell everyone about everything. They’ll know when I feel the time in right.” He offered up a shrug, drumming his fingertips along the surface of the table. “Who knows; I could easily go into the New Year if I’m determined enough.”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Maxine shook her head at his attempt at justification. She knew he had a knack for doing this sort of thing. Being evasive when he didn’t need to for reasons that were beyond her after all these years.

“So you’re just gonna not tell people that we haven’t been a thing for close to two and a half months and that’s why I moved to Burbank in addition to me getting this new job?”

“Yeah because I’m weird like that. And because I don’t wanna cause there to be speculation and hearsay. Y’know, typical high school nonsense that I’m too old for.”

The nonchalant nature of the two of them confirming their separation wasn’t exactly something shocking to either of them if the people who knew them well enough took it as any indication. Having seen each other and how they were after disastrous breakups, the fact that neither of them were on the verge of real self-destructive behavior was a sign to both of them that they were somehow at peace.

Like skipping all the prior stages of grief just to get to the acceptance stage.

“They’re gonna find out eventu—you’re totally planning on just showing up one day with a new girlfriend and act like it’s a Tuesday.” Maxine stated, remembering the last time he pulled that move back in their early twenties.

“It worked before. And as long as questions aren’t asked, it’ll work again. I know you don’t go to church but have faith.”

“Mister ‘I tell people I go commando at home’ isn’t gonna divulge who he’s been fucking? Who are you, and what have ya dun with muh Derrick?” Maxine said, peppering the last statement with the faux-concerned Southern Belle accent that caused both of them to laugh.

“What, you want me to just up and say the nitty gritty of everything? Give them the ol’ Inside The Actors Studio about my dating life? C’mon, Max.”

“I don’t mean give them the blow-by-blow analysis but yeah, tell folks so they’re not left wondering or assuming shit.”

“And to think, we could’ve signed NDA’s about this whole thing, Max.”

She shook her head in response with a laugh and a smile, noting that he really couldn’t turn that bit of charm off him even if he tried. They stayed silent for a few seconds, letting whatever laughter die down so they could ease their way back into conversation.

“....is it weird that I’m not feeling torn up inside about all of this?” She inquired, biting at the corner of her bottom lip as her eyes settled on his. It was as if she was doing her best to search in his eyes to find the answer she was looking for. Trying to get a read on him before he could say anything.

“I was gonna ask you the same thing. Makes me not feel as weird for not wanting to go into a breakup depression spiral. Is this how normal, functioning adults handle the end of their relationships?”

“No, most of them get into a bitter divorce battle that crippled them financially and makes them hate the person they professed to love in the eyes of the Lord.” Maxine answered with a shrug.

“Well, that’s a damn shame. For them anyway.”

To them, it was good that they were at least able to find a way to joke about this like it was a normal thing. It was a coping mechanism that they hadn’t grown out of since they knew each other and wasn’t something they were going to shy away from, especially during such a time of uncertainty between the two of them. Whatever small laughter there was between them had settled into another few beats of that uneasy silence most people would try to fill with witty banter or small talk.

“For the record, I’m not bitter or harboring resentment toward you.” Derrick begun to say, setting her head perk up to look at him as she had spent the last few moments blankly staring at her left hand. They never really wore their wedding rings outside of special occasions but they had both been feeling the nakedness of it not being on their ring finger for the past number of weeks. “I don’t hate you—don’t even think I’m capable of hating you. I mean if we were having this conversation six months ago, I think you and I would feel completely different than we do now and wouldn’t easily find our way to a comfort zone like we have.”

“Well, six months ago, there probably would’ve been a fight and both of us saying something we didn’t mean and accelerating the process by months instead of what we did: Try to navigate why we were feeling the way we felt until we came to the ultimate conclusion.”

“That that romantic love we once had and were running on—that flame burnt out when we weren’t looking. Sucks but it happens even if you try to stop it from happening.”

“We took the path less traveled. The one that didn’t lead into a belligerent shouting match on the front lawn of a house in a Long Island suburb. Guess that counts for something, huh?” Maxine rhetorically asked, face scrunched up with a small smile. She reached out to grab his wrist, flipping it over to reveal the matching tattoo they had gotten over a decade ago in correspondence to the one she had in the same area. Her thumb lightly grazed over the scar that his tattoo had been covering, biting at the corner of her lip. “You won’t be able to get rid of me all that easy; you know that, right? I’ll always be with you.”

“Wasn’t planning on it, Red.” He replied with a knowing smirk, uttering the same nickname he gave her when they first met. “Even though we live on opposite ends of the country, I’m still a phone call or text away. You know that. For anything: If you wanna talk about your day, tell me about some adventure you took in San Fernando Valley, boyfriend troub—well, no. Not boyfriend troubles. At least not yet; that’d be weird.”

She first responded with a laugh, shaking her head from side to side as her other hand covered her face slightly.

“No, I definitely won’t be calling you up to talk about boy troubles and likewise, I don’t think you’ll do the same with whatever girl or girls decide they wanna make your life hell. More postcards from places you visited, though. I liked the ones you sent over from Manchester. But yes, the feeling is mutual; one call or text away, like always.”

“Like always. Despite everything else, that? That won’t ever change, I promise.”

“Of course.”

They weren’t going to lie to each other. By the seemingly sudden (to people who knew them anyway) nature of their separation, things were going to change in their lives much like it did two years ago when they first got together and wanted to see what it all meant for them to give it the ol’ college try. But in the end, they found that they couldn’t fake it with one another long enough to “right the ship” as it were. In the end, it became the sobering wake up call the two of them needed.

He remembered the conversation as clear as day. Hell, they both did. A semblance of dancing around the fact that neither of them were feeling the same way they did before. That madly in love feeling had dissipated before their very eyes and they didn’t know how or what to do to prevent the slow moving avalanche from already gaining steam. Like most things, once the levees break, there’s no real chance at fixing the leak in the dam.

Tears flowed during that conversation, reminiscing about fun times they had had together that were fleeting quickly. And then, in relative silence, they worked to make the landing for each other as smooth as possible, the last vestiges of two people who loved one another beyond being husband and wife, the two best friends that had known each other for over a decade. It sucked but in many ways, for them, it was therapeutic more than anything else, really. Far more than they wanted to admit anyway.

They had both gotten up from their seats to embrace in a hug, quietly enjoying the close warmth of one another once more until they could see each other again in the future. She rubbed his back and shut her eyes, nodding as he kept his arms locked around her waist.

“You take care of yourself, alright?” Derrick uttered as he looked at her, hands resting on her hips. “If you need anything, just call.”

“Okay. I will. And you don’t worry so much. Don’t overthink shit and keep your head above the clouds, okay? Wouldn’t wanna have to straighten you up again.” Maxine uttered jokingly, shaking her head at him.

“I’ll replace all my worries with true crime factoids and even more useless information.”

“So more doubling down, eh? On brand behavior.”

With shared chuckles, they departed from their embrace—almost unceremoniously, really. There wasn’t really much for either of them to say afterwards; what was done is done and all they had left was to go on with the next phase of their lives. Her, heading to another part of the building, possibly leaving, and him going off to do his usually pre-show scrounging. And really, that’s how it had to be.

The reset button had been hit by the two of them, from once a couple back to the best of friends again, though there’s the not-so small wrinkle of the last two and a half years of their lives being so intertwined with one another. Whatever the case may be, things were different. They were different and they both went about accepting that as their immediate truth.

[theepitomeofsimplicite]

Hi everyone,

I guess it’s never too late to wish you all a wonderful happy new year! Today, I’d love to take a moment to share my reflections on my best of 2018 travel. So, I am considering creating a series of posts in the upcoming weeks (YES! You read this. I am back to the grinds of writing and I am feeling super motivated) about sartorial-self editing and a follow up on continuing living my minimalist life.

The other day, a friend of mine who does not enjoy travel as much as I do recently asked me: ” What value does it bring to spend all your money in traveling so frequently?”

I paused for a brief moment and tried to recollect in my head all the countless unmeasurable benefits I gained from the experience of traveling. I’m thinking of adventures, freedom, and creating sweet memories with my favorite people. Mountains, road trips and singing cheesy songs in the car, big cities, beaches, lakes, wine country, night life, speak Spanish, fall in love… and so much more I mean where shall I begin…

Here are some advantages I can think of when it comes to why I value travelling as often as I can. To start with, there is an excitement and anticipation of planning a trip up front (read more about experientialism vs materialism post here). Looking forward to how we would imagine the journey. It gives room for creativity in deciding what activities to fill our days with.

Next, I learn to live more intentionally by pausing and being in the moment. I pay particular attention to small overlooked pleasures in life. I enjoy very much to be engaged with people in a genuine way by becoming a better active listener for instance when taking in to their stories. I experience more gratefulness. I like that my discovery mode is turned on (try new food, catch new sights, practice a new language sometimes, or embrace new cultures).

All in all, I find travelling to be important to me because it contributes to my self-improvement. All these reasons contribute towards my personal growth; my thoughts are influenced by a broader range of awareness of the world surrounding me, my habits are sometimes mimicking other’s cultural lifestyles, my learning is derived from my interactions with people and taking in their outlook on life, my beliefs are more grounded, and my thoughts are centered around creating a healthier and happier way of living. Let it be minimalism and zero waste lifestyle but these topics are worth detailing in separate posts.

Anza Borrego Desert/Julian, CA

After returning from my regular winter euro trip in the beginning of the year from Dresden and Paris, in February I went on a mini weekend road trip to Anza Borrego Desert. It’s only a two hour drive northeast of San Diego where I live and is located south east from Riverside and south of Palm Springs. The Anza Borrego Desert State Park isn’t too far from the Mount Jacinto Park where I hiked in the summer of 2017 (read here). It’s the largest park in California and has many wilderness areas as well as lots of hiking trails.

I picked the Palm Canyon trail where a minimum of climbing was involved (I love climbing!!!) and I was able to catch a sight at the primitive palm trees which are the tallest in California and are kept very wild and untrimmed. Down the oasis, I could hear from a far distance some buzzing sounds that resonated all around. As I was so curious to find out the origins of these croaks, I rushed down the river by climbing down the hiking trail in an off trail fashion (my adventurous side) to find some very cute tiny frogs under the rocks blending with the surroundings in the most perfect way.

All the climbing efforts were well worth! Then as the night quickly fell down, it’s how I got some very large and deep scars on my left forearm because I ran into a giant cactus on my way back up to the trail. Not very clever but I put the blame on my tomboy side! Later that evening on the way back to San Diego, a pit stop at Julian was required to have a taste of the well-known local apple pies and cider.

Los Angeles, CA

I drove to the city of angels and visited my friend Alexie (from UCLA) in the beginning of March as I needed to renew my passport at the French embassy. This was a two day trip but I really appreciated my time spent with her discussing various topics and you know just being women. Read more here where I talked about trying Tsukemen for the first time at Tsujita and a local’s brunch at Egg slut.

San Diego CRSSD FEST, CA

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This electronic, deep house, and techno festival is a traditional yearly thing I attend with my Persian buddies Arash and Massoud. Although I’ve tried to save a decent budget dedicated to music festivals for the year, I always seem to mess this up. But in any case, this is a sort of a mini Coachella and if you are in San Diego during March and September I recommend you guys to check it out because I like that it’s located by the waterfront and our dear Pacific Ocean.

Seoul/Busan, South Korea

In March, I was sent to South Korea for work (second time around and read first impression of the previous strip here). I stayed in Seoul and enjoyed this trip very much particularly as I didn’t end up having to do too much work at the customer site for once. But differently than last time, I decided to gather a team and explore South Korea away from the city center of Seoul. So we took the train to visit Busan.

Busan is a very large port city and is well known for its beaches, mountains, and temples. I enjoyed hanging out at the Haeundae beach with the young crowded locals and shot some fireworks. Later that night, the team composed of the new Dutch girlfriend Anne and another colleague, Robin who is Irish, went on bar hoping and met a friendly group of enthusiastic high energy good vibe young Koreans. We befriended right away with songs like Gangnam style and other classics.

We were then invited to a Karaoke bar and sung our heart out til about 8 am the following day. We actually made a reservation at a hostel nearby but needless to mention how pissed off the receptionist was as we had a very very very late check in that dragged her out of the bed. I know this was messed up but our new Korean friends helped us get to stay in to rest for the remaining duration of 2 hours, which was barely enough sleep but we needed to catch the train back to Seoul and I had to fly back afterwards.

The best part of this trip I think came from the idea that propelled me to go to Busan in the first place. The ultra fresh seafood and sashimi. I watched a documentary online where I saw a man trying to experience the “live” sashimi fish in Busan and choked on it. He became so red and almost died. I thought the idea of trying something so “fresh” would have made a fun challenge so I set my mind to experience it too at the Jagalchi Market, the world famous market for fresh fish and seafood. Robin and I got to try it but I barely survived. Personally though I wouldn’t do it again haha.

Another crazy experience was found at this local BBQ restaurant where I had fresh grilled eel for the first time ever. It goes without saying how painful that was visually and the taste was stringent. Have you ever eaten a whole eel? I’m not speaking of the little piece of eel that is place with a generous amount of Teriyaki sauce on the sushi but the whole fish. It’s so bony and crunchy towards the tail. I also would detail the part where the fish are taken from the aquarium then processed in front of your attentive eyes.

The cook knock the head of the eel using the back of the knife then begins to skin off the fish by removing the spinal column. The sound was draconian. The fish is then cut up into chunks. Later the pieces are laid on the plate ready to be grilled but the heads also come together. The visual still hurts me by just typing these lines but please skip this section if you are too sensitive sorry. As the brains were trying to pump blood through, and while Robin was devouring the body from the grill (personally I couldn’t do it), the mouth of the fish was left wide opened as a reaction to the loss of oxygen. I still remember vividly the horrified faces of the fish. In any case, this experience was quite unique but I’m still glad I got to see how life was like in Busan with the locals.

Saratoga/NYC, NY and Montreal, Canada

After my trip to South Korea, I was supposed to take some time off to stop by Japan to hang out with a friend I met during CRSSD fest but to my disappointment I had to fly straight away to New York for work again. This trip was rather unique because it’s where I met my crush there (blushing). But nothing surprising it’s just a crush and nothing more and you’ll read more about this Dutchie later 😉 Besides, work was very interesting there and the weather was ruthlessly cold with above the knee level of snow. Time working there was passing by so quickly as my best friend Mark (we work together) was also on site for work and we got to hang out a bunch.

In Albany we had Tanpopo Jakarta ramen. If you are curious about ramen, head over to my blog on ramen critic around the globe @ramencraycray. We ate at Vintage House and had interesting fried oyster sandwiches at Albany Ale & Oyster. We also hung out quite a bit in Saratoga Springs where we visited the Historic Congress Park to sip on the spring water. Had drinks at this hispter jazz playing live music at Morrissey’s and dined at the Wine Bar.

During this trip, I took the opportunity to drive to cross the border and visit Montreal. I had to make a pit stop at this gentleman’s house located in the beautiful town of Saratoga Springs. I met this older writer named Paul on the plane (yes for many of you who know me, I meet a bunch of folks on the plane and it’s not hard trust me!). We discuss many topics among writing and blogging as well as feminism and life in Paris compared with New York. We promised to give each other feedback from his book titled “Learning the Learner” while he reads my blog, this one.

He kindly invited me over to his house for breakfast along with a tour at the Spring Street Gallery which was a converted church located in front of his house. I had an immense pleasure in meeting his amazing awe inspiring wife Barbara (@blglaser5150). She is the woman I aspire to become when I get more mature. She has accomplished so much to become financially independent, in raising her Korean adopted daughter and her work in Natural State Park conservation, and now is a philanthropist. I was more than glad to have the chance to meet people like them and to share our stories. I felt so empower to continue my pursuit in advancing technology and to become as independent as she is someday. I also wish to further contribute to society just how she does it.

Ok so, now let’s talk about Montreal shall we? The road was very beautiful on my way there all covered in snow and I can easily glimpse at the mountain ranges during my three hour long drive. I stayed at Le Saint Sulpice hotel that was simply scrumptious located in Old Town. As I stepped out into town, I was clearly experiencing a wardrobe malfunction; I wore my long white Korean coat with a pair of jeans, a jumper, a beanie, scarf, and a pair of leather gloves. Evidently I froze to death within 15 minutes of walk in the blazing -15C.

So I rushed to the nearest neighborhood bar at the pub le Saint-Elisabeth. I met a new friend at the bar named Francois who was kind to show me locals spots around the well-known avenue du Mont Royal and had delicious poutine. The next day, I met up with my cousin who I haven’t seen in about 20 years (long time!!!) to catch up. We walked through the underground pass to go to the mall just like how the Quebecois shop to avoid peaking your nose out into the cold. She offered me some of the best ice wines ever. I feel very grateful!

On my last weekend there, I was meeting up with an old friend and together drove to NYC passing through the Lincoln tunnel. That was a hell of a lot of fun with lots of dancing, some ramen, and a copious amount of drinks and sightseeing. Make sure to read more about this city here.

West Coast Road Trip (Joshua Tree Park, CA/LA, CA/Big Sur, CA/Big Basin Redwood Park, CA/SF, CA/Newport, OR/Seattle, WA/Mt Adams, WA/Corvallis, OR)

In May, our birthday month, my sister (@dithy_f) from Paris and I got into my white Golf and drove along the USA West Coast. One of the best road trips ever yet! Read more here for part 1. Part 2 filled with more stories should be coming around soon so stay tune. In this case, I’ll skip here to the next trip below…

San Elijo Beach, CA

One of the best perks I enjoy about living in San Diego is that the county is so vast in its surface area that driving 30 to 40 minutes along the coast from where I live seems like a travel destination even though it’s technically still San Diego. We were camping there together with this really awesome girl Jenny (@nurse_jenny) (I met at a party and she had all the gut to just ask for my number and befriended instantly) and my friend Stephen (from work) who was set to take a year off to travel the world. I had an amazing weekend there grilling sausages and I even had some fun creating a beach bum beauty tutorial that can be found on my Instagram stories.

Ensenada/Tijuana, Mexico

I love spontaneous impromptu trips like this in the summer. Mexican friend Guerardo invited me over to tag along on his weekend getaway trip to Mexico. Singing along Felices Los 4 and Dura omg! We took the Ruta del vino to visit and wine taste at L.A. Cetto. We brunched at Bodegas del Valle, a secret local spot. We later that night played dominos then poker getting drunk on some tequila Reposado. The next day, we were beach ready to get some tan at Playa Hermosa in Explanadas. Afterwards, we had some of the best margheritas at Bar Andaluz and the best tacos ever are found at the world renown Anthony Bourdain approved Sabina Restaurante. Later, on our way back to the US, we had to stop by Tijuana where we got a roof top drink at Cine Tonala and played games.

Tel Aviv, Israel

During the summer, I traveled to Tel Aviv for the first time to visit my friend Tom. I know many of you already know how I met Tom and how I ended up in Dresden in the winter of 2017 but just for the sake of sharing with everyone. On my way to Amsterdam from Minnesota, I think that was in the summer of 2017 I happen to sit next to this blue eye guy with a quirky smile on this face. I think he started the conversation with an ice breaker question. So tips to you guys, if you are happen to sit next to a stranger on the plane and would like to make new friends, don’t put your headphones on, smile, and ask whether your flight neighbor is heading back home or visiting. This ice breaker question always works for me 🙂 So as we talked and laughed throughout our 8 hour long trip. We exchanged our contact information but before that he managed to convince me to meet again either in Tel Aviv and/or Dresden for the winter holidays.

And in truth eventually, I ended up meeting him in both cities haha. I flew to Dresden in December of 2017 from Paris because (this is a true story haha) my sister was too busy to host me during the weekday and (sadly) she is also a type A woman so she made it clear that I was on my own. Then I simply phoned Tom to check his whereabouts then booked a ticket at the airport from CDG, took the metro to Orly then flew to Dresden straight away. I actually don’t recommend anyone to fly that much in a day (4 back to back flights) but I’m still glad I made it out there. I stayed at Tom’s friend’s Matthias (a German cutie), and we got to visit the beautiful city (old and new neighborhood), did some thrift shopping as I was travelling without proper winter gears (got as scarf and beanie), and even attended an opera. The museums there were very impressive and boy I love the Christmas market to grab some warm German sweet bread, some wurst, and a sip of the delicious gluhwein (even gluhbier).

Well, I’m digressing now sorry so back to Tel Aviv! Tom and I stayed at another of Tom’s friend’s apartment nearby the beach in Yaffa area. Hillel is such a smart and funny guy. He’s very thoughtful too! I recall how before I’d get up in the morning, a warm freshly baked pastry was awaiting for me on the kitchen counter. He was temporarily being a dog daddy to Indie so I lucked out in meeting them because I had so much fun hanging out with these mischief later in the Old City. This vibrant place is full of craft shops and art galleries, and stalls selling antiques and jewelry at the lively Jaffa Flea Market.

There are some Ottoman influences such as the Clock Tower. We walked around and spotted an outdoor venue filled with folks dancing on Arab music after crossing the Wishing Bridge. The area is also popular for its hip wine bars, creative Mediterranean dining and seafood restaurants near Jaffa Port. There is such a wide mix of culture and we got together for drinks at the Shaffa bar with Stefania, her bf and friend. Well, how I met Stefania was also on a plane ride from JFK to Tel Aviv haha. We sat next to each and became friends instantly. And so we just had to meet up in town!

Then Hillel wanted to take us to his favorite secret spot that offers a unique view over the Jaffa port but on the opposite side. Recall when I called Hillel and Indie the little pair of mischief well, to get to that safely guarded spot required illegal climbing over a fence then a wall hmmm the challenge came from having our little four legged Indie with us but we still proceeded with climbing with the adventurous dog friend. It was so worth it as we could catch a glimpse in the quiet night and only hearing the waves crashing on the rocks and just taking in the beautiful sights and being in the moment.

I have a few tips on Tel Aviv for you guys if you are interested, drop a comment below. I personally really enjoy going to the outdoor markets like the Carmel market where Tom and I met up with another of Tom’s friend named Roy. He had bought some delicious cheese and we improvised a French picnic with a bottle of red (of course!) and laid around in the neighborhood park, while dog petting.

I only stayed 4 days in Tel Aviv and wished to road trip to Jerusalem but due to the unbearable heat wave, I’ll postpone this trip to another time. So next on my way to Amsterdam, I had a quick overlay in Rome. Unfortunately I couldn’t hang out with my dear friend Rita but had (yes another) interesting encounter on the plane. An older Italian gentleman who is a professor in Chemistry and avid alternative renewable energy especially in clean gas was my neighbor. He had mistaken me as a model haha. But to his disappointment I had to break it to him that I was just an engineer.

We talked for a long while about renewable energy and the new tech trends. Once we landed in Fuimicino, he kindly offer to continue our conversations over at the lounge. I personally love to converse with passionate folks. Side note by the way, a handful of people either border patrol agents or people I bumped into during my flights tend to believe I’m some model. Can it be because of my leather jacket, my casual effortless airport style or is it? Regardless, I’m utterly flattered but (shrugging) would love to know why…

Amsterdam/Eindhoven/Heusden, The Netherlands

I arrived in Amsterdam to meet up with Silvana (@saisonlune) the birthday girl. She’s taken me to the north of Amsterdam so we took the ferry where we can sight the beautiful A’dam Toren from Centraal Station. We had a snack at FC Hyena where it has movie theater and great food. The décor is industrial but with lots of quirky colors. Afterwards, we headed next door to the Hotel de Goudfazant. This place used to be a car garage so don’t be surprised if you are dining next to cars inside the space.

The following day, I also got to meet Jessica from Daarboven and stroll around Amsterdam. We had a pit stopped at my fav Scandinavian shop Filippa K where I got a couple of essential garments (a nice cropped wool jacket and a pair of simple blue denim, read here).

We sipped on some fancy drinks at the Hoxtel lounge, grabbed ramen at Fou Fow Ramen then devour some explosive chocolate at the Michelin starred Duchess .

In Eindhoven, I always enjoy staying at my bestie Joffrey. I also took some time to say hi to Adri from Chanel. She created a new look for me and left with many goodies she gathered for me. In the afternoon, Jo organized a mini road trip to Heusden for a getaway. Walking around there was very relaxing to see the lashing green surrounding and the famous windmills. In the village we grabbed some red and some bread (I love Dutch breads). Later in the evening Jo and I met up with Yohann (our betstie) to grab an apero at his house.

Then we all met up with the other guys for Lepeltje Lepeltje, a food fest in Eindhoven with live music and yummy ice creams. Later than night we all hung out at our regular Irish pub Oshea’s where a few more people are set to come by. One person was the German cutie I was seeing on the date during lunch time at one of my fav brunch spot called Krok Madame. The other person was my Dutch crush and well needless to mention how melodramatic this all resulted and of course I’ve never intended anything as such to take place.

Chinon/Vendée Road Trip, France

It’s still summer and I was on my way to Paris now to get with my sister then we picked up my mom to go onto our yearly road trip. We stopped by the wine country region as always. I’ve notice my friends recently called me “Wine Privileged” and I am beginning to be more grateful from my upbringing and the fact that my parents’ house is located in one of the most amazing wine country region of France. And so we are in Chinon and visiting the Cave Monplaisirs.

The lady owner was formidable in presenting the wine selection with exquisite details of the terrain, the grapes provenance and mixes. This is how I get wine educated by going on a variety of wine tasting and having great conversations. She also kindly offered us an extra bottle (we had to keep it quiet on the gift haha) simply because she enjoyed sharing a great conversation too! We set up our picnic by the Loire river with great sight, a fresh summer breeze, and amazing wine paring (Les Picasses from 2016).

My sister and I rented a beautiful beach house in the Vendée region with a big pool by Saint-Jean-de-Mont beach. We had a lovely time with my mom swimming , BBQ, and just chilling in town. We did a bit of sightseeing but the best experience was going to the oysters’ market casually located in various parts of the roads there called le Délit. I believe to have found the best tasting oysters in my entire life! I stoke a conversation with the bar owner sharing with him my USA stories and then he pointed out that an LA designer was painting the walls of the place. Have a look as it’s pretty quirky. Another good time (yes it’s again about food) was going to Noirmoutier to bunch at Michelin starred or recommended restaurants like L’ilot Bleu. Next stop was a flower park (my mom is a lotus enthusiast) called the Parc Floral de la court d’Aron where we spent a day there having a little French picnic.

Paris, France

This city is always crazy and has the most fun parties. I hung out with the Parisian crew (a bunch of finance folks who prize on expensive champagne bottles. Yeah I know it’s just another life style) and caught up with Taler (@nomadicfille). We had ramen again but this time at Hokkaido.

The following day we went to the street food fest in Place République. Then, we headed towards the roof top at the Art et Métiers hotel. Needless to mention, there was a gorgeous view over the city of Light and the flashing Eiffel Tower but what caught my attention was this cutie sitting right next to me from another group of Parisians. We had a great conversation but I must be so naïve in too many ways, I didn’t realize he was a catch haha. But it’s all good we are friends on Instagram, does that count?

Los Angeles, CA

In September after getting back to San Diego, the following weekend I got on the road towards Vegas, the sin city. But I thought I’d stop by and say hi to my friend Alexie (if you don’t remember her, I had a post on LA here). We caught up over dinner, girls talk then the following day brunched at our favorite place in Abbott Kinney called Gjelina. A bit of window shopping but then it was time for me to get back on the road already.

Vegas/Valley of Fire Road trip, NV

Hanging out with Jo and catching up with his dad I haven’t seen in a couple of years was fun. In short, Fermont experience, losing money gambling, getting fancy drinks at the casino, and hiking in the heat of the Valley of Fire where we almost passed out. I recommend everyone who is passing by Vegas to go check out this out of the ordinary red-bricked landscape. It’s truly breath taking how arid the climate is but how the rock formations come together is pretty amazing.

Big Bear, CA

This road tripping to camping with Arash was in late September so it was indeed freezing cold. We were out of Vodka to keep us warm so in the process I lost my toes overnight for about 8 hours then recovered. The Castle Rock trail hike by Big Bear Lake was pretty intensive in climbing but the view we could catch on top was all worth it with a breathtaking forest views, rock structures, and a distant lake.

Lake Tahoe, CA

Next road trip was made during the thanksgiving holidays. It was very adventurous on the long drive there from San Diego to Lake Tahoe especially in the freezing night. Just had to pick up Massoud along the way in Orange County. As we approached the mountain ranges, we found out too tardily that the snow chains were undersized so we decided to simply deflate the tires in order to create more traction. (3 engineers getting together that’s how things go often!).

London, England

I haven’t been back since a couple of years ago so I was glad to stop by London in December and catching up with my dear Jackie (@passyjacqueline). What I retained the most from being there was experiencing Tinder dating together haha. I recall vividly on one of the bus rides in London City where Jackie and I were eye on out phones swiping left and occasionally right on the app then suddenly we heard 3 older gentlemen exclaiming right behind us “But you keep on swiping left!” hahaha I’ll omit the Brit accent but I couldn’t help than to crack up. It’s an observation that it seems everyone young and old men and women everywhere across the globe is searching for love though this dating tool.

I really enjoyed the low key local hangout (will do a map later if you are interested for I have some tips!) and art exhibits. We went to Blain Southern and checked out the “Between the lines” of Chiharu Shiota and the drawings of Jonas Burget. Indeed, I’d rather avoid doing tourist traps cos I just wanted to create memories being with my dear friend in the most humbling way. Some of the cool places I went to are Tonkotsu ramen, Oslo Hackney bar and club, Blighty Tottenham for brunch, Pop Brixton for the hispter hang out and drinks food hall style, Ace hotel in Shoreditch for a fancy drink at the lounge. For a nice walk I went to Borough market (my fav) and had tapas at Tapas Brindisa. Roof tops I went to Sushi Samba which offers a great view of the Gherkin. Lastly, Jaaguarshoes Collective is a local hang out for casual drinks.

Amsterdam/Eindhoven/The Hague, The Netherlands

Going to Holland is always about catching up with everyone. I also flew from London to Amsterdam as cheap as 37 euro that’s why I love travelling within Europe because of the ease of transport. I’m typically staying at Joffrey’s house in Eindhoven. We always cozy up on his velvet couch in the late evening watching our fav old French show Kaamelott. In the evening I had dinner with my old friend Alain who is half Dutch and half French. We checked out the new hot spot called Kazerne which had a lovely exhibit.

This time I was in Amsterdam meeting up with Jessica. We always have planned for me to go visit the museum where she works at but every time I’m arriving by train so late in the afternoon that I keep missing out. Bummer! However, we grabbed a local Thai food where there was probably 5 tables. It was so tiny but the food was good. We then intended to go for a quick shop to Filippa K (one of my fav shops) but it had already closed by 7 pm.

Next, we just continued strolling around what I find to be the romantic Amsterdam with the light exhibits on the canals. We grabbed some drinks at the Hoxton lounge (one of my fav places to go chill in Amsterdam), and then she insisted on grabbing another drink at a club I’ve never been to, which was ChinChin. There was a karaoke bar, restaurant, and club all in one place. I like catching the train back with her and just keep on conversing about life, our careers, blogging, shopping, personal style, and recently about our love life, dating, and relationships. Needless to mention how glad I am to have getting to know her.

The following day I caught an early train ride from Eindhoven to The Hague to grab brunch with the crew made of Kimberley, Silvana, and finally got to meet Sebastian. We chatted and laughed about everything at the local brunch names Bartine. It was good to see them all. Then afterwards, I had the honor to stroll around the Hague with Sebastian as my personal tour guide. He was showing me the old government buildings, describing the architectural styles, and the history behind them.

And it was already time to head back to Eindhoven to meet up for dinner with other friends. So the lovely Anne showed up with Joffrey. Unfortunately, my friend from work Sander (a Belge guy) and his wife couldn’t stay late into the evening as they have a little toddler to attend to so I only got to see them very briefly. The next day which was Saturday, Jo and I packed our bags, got into the car and set our GPS direction towards Paris to meet up with my sister for a late brunch.

Paris, France

Ahhh Paris is always my fav place in the world! Always crazy and fun at the same time with my lovely sis Britney and the Parisian crew. You probably may have noticed but I also avidly avoid tourristy areas there. I always prefer our local hang outs or discover new hot spots that most tourists are unaware of. We hung out in the newly trend food hall style La Félicita, had a bite and a few drinks then danced our night away.

We also celebrated New Year’s eve in our own terms. No rules nor tips to follow. We simply created our own way of having a great time. No overpriced club tickets bought online, no house party on our agenda. Remember that the best plan is no plan after all. We just walked up towards the Champs-Elysee then grabbed food and drinks at the Beer Station.

The area had been blocked off for the fire work show around the arc de Triomphe but we were located right at the edge of the landmark. Stayed warm, had food and cheering on red wine then champagne, watching the fireworks all in safety and warmth instead of mingling with the crowds on the Champs-Elysee avenue where it was counted that over 150,000 people attended the event. We took the party further towards Pigalle area at the Carmen club where we met the cutie barman Romeo who had a generous amount of dating advice to give away haha.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get much free time at hand to see the group of Paris girls (sorry! Next time for sure!) but got to do a quicky apero at Taler’s house. I got to meet her boyfriend, her cousin from the US, and her other friends. My sister later showed up too!

Tours, France

This was a truly special trip into the wine country of Loire Valley. Typically every time I visit my parents’ house in the Center of France, we’d stop by the neighboring area to go wine tasting and coming back home with boxes of a variety of wines. We are also very intimate with the wine makers of the region so it’s always a pleasure to say hi. But this time, I’d convinced my sister and our friend Aja to come along with me to visit the Tours region and meet up with Antoine at the Domaine de Cray.

It was a lovely wine tour into the sparkling white wine production, the famous Cremant de Loire, where he was showing us the art of riddling wine a la méthode Champenoise. He was showing up the assembly line with some level of automation for the first fermentation to take place where the natural sugar from the grapes are converted into alcohol and letting the carbon dioxide escape from the bottle and makes the base wine or the cuvée. It’s not usually very tasty as it is very acidic. Antoine showed us where these cuvée were stored in those large chambers and even had a sip of it together with the tuxedo cat who serves as great company. I recommend anyone to stop by this winery!

If you made it to read this line, well thanks for reading my stories. Let me know if you enjoy these narratives as much as I do or rather want tips for travel but either way don’t hesitate to drop a comment and I’ll look forward to your inputs.

  Best of 2018 Travel Hi everyone, I guess it's never too late to wish you all a wonderful happy new year!

[mishpacha]

This article is the story of Nadia Avraham, a trans Israeli Mizrahi woman who was born in Iraq and fled the country to escape antisemitism.  Nadia paved the way for Israeli transgender people and her story is well-worth a read.  As this is a premium Haaretz article, I will be posting the entire thing below.

It was the period of the War of Attrition, which followed hard on the heels of the '67 Six-Day War. Sheba Medical Center, Tel Hashomer, in Ramat Gan, was fully occupied, and the beds of the wounded spilled out into the corridors. Lying among the soldiers, on a bed at the end of a corridor, was a civilian, an alien in the military landscape, alive and hooked up to tubes, but completely covered by a blanket. The soldiers wondered who he was. Why doesn’t the man lying in the corner have any visitors, they asked the nurses. The odd figure became the main topic of conversation in the surgical ward, but the nurses refused to lift the veil of secrecy concealing his identity and the circumstances of his hospitalization.

Two weeks went by, and still no one came to visit. While soldiers continued to arrive steadily, the odd figure from the corridor left the hospital – the fourth person to undergo sex reassignment surgery in Israel.

That person is Nadia Avraham, who will celebrate her 85th birthday next month. “But I look good, still a bit sexy,” she says with a wink and a heavy Iraqi accent.

Avraham lives in the Hatikva neighborhood in south Tel Aviv, in a very small apartment. The bedroom also serves as the living room, and she shares her bed with a cat. On the walls are photographs from the 1970s, ‘80s and ‘90s – all showing a beautiful woman with big eyes and heavy makeup.

I recorded Nadia for the Hebrew version of “Israel Story,” a documentary podcast broadcast on Army Radio and online, of which I am one of the creators. (An English version is heard on a variety of NPR stations in the U.S., as well as on the website of Tablet magazine.)

Nadia opened all our meetings by saying, “It’s impossible to tell a whole life in a hour or two” – and then sat down on the edge of the bed, straightened up and, despite the constraints of time, started to tell her story.

She has blond hair, bright eyes, a piercing gaze and a singular style of speech that mixes words in Arabic with Hebrew, and in which one particular phrase is prominent: “Maybe yes, maybe no, only God knows.” That’s the essence of her complex worldview, rife with contradictions and an array of identities. Nadia is a “both one and the other” woman.

In one of our meetings, a moment before I turned on the recording device, she went over to the wardrobe and pulled out an old shoebox. In it were dozens of photos, some from a very different era, when she was still Naji, the son of an affluent Jewish family in Baghdad.

When Nadia remembers Naji, the boy she was, she speaks in the first person, but uses the masculine form of speech, adjusting the Hebrew to her biography. She talks about a boy from a large family, with an older sister followed by five brothers. Naji, the middle son, was very close to his mother.

When Naji was 5, a member of his close family started abusing him sexually. “I was afraid, I suffered, I was confused, I didn’t know what it was,” Nadia relates.

Naji did not tell anyone about what he was undergoing, and his psyche remained wounded. He fell ill, became withdrawn, and missed school. This went on for several years, and while his classmates advanced to primary school, he stayed behind, not learning how to read or write. He became a frightened boy, lacking self-confidence. According to Nadia, his worried parents took him to experts of different kinds and to psychiatrists across Iraq, but none of them understood what the child was going through – he refused to talk about it. “The secret stayed imprisoned within me,” Nadia says, “and life at home became unbearable.”

When he was 12, Naji ran away from home. He didn’t have a well thought-out plan, just took a bit of money and headed for the train station. He dreamed only of escaping to Egypt, Saudi Arabia or Kuwait, and starting life over. But shortly after he disappeared, one of his older brothers went to look for him and found the dreamy boy with a backpack at the entrance to the train station. He brought him home in angry and frightening silence. But Naji’s dream of leaving came true a few months later: His parents decided to smuggle him and his older sister far off, to pre-state Palestine.

A truck pulled up in the middle of the night, and Naji and his sister got into it, joining some 50 other people already crammed inside. The truck sped off toward its secret destination.

It wasn’t an orderly aliyah. Iraqi law prohibited Jews from leaving the country, but an escape route was created through neighboring Iran. Naji and his sister lived there with hundreds of Jewish migrants in crowded, dire conditions, slept in tents and made do with the minimal food that was distributed to them – bread with onion and tinned milk.

After a month in the Tehran camp, they were transported to Israel. Naji was happy to have the chance to turn over a new leaf. He was 14, his sister was 30. It took them time to adjust to their new life. They wandered from place to place, from Binyamina to Jerusalem and Rishon Letzion, before finally settling in Tel Aviv. They lived in a small home in the Hatikva neighborhood, which they purchased with money their mother sent.

Some months later, the rest of the family arrived in Israel. Naji, who had always been a mama’s boy, was thrilled to be back together with her. Within months of their reunion, however, his mother fell ill with cancer and died. Without her protection, Naji once more felt vulnerable and alone. Even today, when Nadia talks about her mother, she is visibly consumed with longing. She speaks of the loss as a kind of a “Sliding Doors” moment, and wonders whether her life would have been different if her mother had remained by her side.

After their mother’s death, Naji’s older brother, the same one who had forced him to return home from the train station in Baghdad, started to torment him. The house was no longer safe for Naji. “When I worked, he would take my money, or he would try to teach me to do bad things,” Nadia recalls. “He demanded that I distribute the drugs he sold, made me go to the homes of criminals. Once I tried to run away, but the police brought me back, because of my young age.”

At 16, Naji reported for a pre-induction army screening, thinking that perhaps the military would open the door to a better future.

“I tried, I wanted to go to the army,” Nadia explains. “When the day came, I entered a room filled with doctors and senior officers, and I asked, ‘When do I start serving in the Israel Defense Forces?’ But an officer said, ‘Go home, we don’t take people like you in the army.’ Maybe he meant that I had a feminine body,” she says. “I was as thin as a cue stick, and maybe they didn’t like my body. Maybe they didn’t like my behavior.”

As she tells the story of the event at the recruitment center, Nadia raises her voice and emphasizes the words, remembering the lean boy she was, and laughs. But between the lines and beyond the rolling laughter lurks the disappointment of a boy, somewhat different from other boys, facing a battery of officers, representatives of the establishment, alone. “To this day, I don’t know why they decided not to draft me,” she says.

The rejection by the IDF eliminated another possible route to an easier life as part of Israeli society, and heightened Naji’s distress. Once more he felt he had to escape – this time, for good. “At the age of 16 I ran away from home again,” Nadia relates. “I didn’t have anywhere to go. I lived on the street, slept on benches on Rothschild Boulevard in Tel Aviv. To satisfy my hunger, I would look for pieces of bread that someone might have thrown into the garbage. And it was hot, a hamsin.”

Victor Victoria

Life on the street was hard, aggravated by a feeling of loneliness, fraught with danger, a battle to survive – and it was a life that set Naji up for exploitation.

Nadia: “I prayed to God that someone would come and take me. Let him do whatever he wants, only let me go inside to wash up and maybe eat something, in his home or in a hotel, the main thing was to get through the night.”

Naji spent a few months living a homeless life on a bench on Rothschild Boulevard. Still, alongside the tremendous difficulties, he began to experience a thrilling sense of freedom. A new world was revealed to him.

“There was a place on Rothschild Boulevard where all the homosexuals used to gather. In the morning I sat on a bench without anything to eat or drink, and in the evening, when the gays arrived, I would forget about food and forget myself – all I wanted was to look at them. One was named Merry-Man, another Poldina, and another Aunt Fanny, and they were from every ethnic group: Persians, Iraqis, Poles. They laughed and talked, and I was envious of them for having such a beautiful life and being able to live with their families, while for me it was hard, living on the street and sleeping on benches.”

On those Tel Aviv nights, Naji felt that he belonged for the first time in his life. “I met a gay guy who wandered around the parks, and he called me Nadia, he was the first to give me that name. I hooked up with him and he took me to his family in Or Yehuda.” From then on, Naji’s name was Nadia. The friend who gave him the name was Victor, who afterward became Victoria.

Victor lived with an elderly, childless Romanian couple who had informally adopted him and afterward did the same with Nadia. It was they who rescued him from the street. Nadia lived with them for eight years. “They were lovely, good people,” she says. “My life with them was the happiest I’d known, much more than with my family, whom I’d rid myself of.”

During those years, Nadia worked in a laundry, running a dry-cleaning machine that needed quite a bit of manual assistance. In the morning, she awoke happily to another day of work; in the evening she went out with her gay companions on the streets of Tel Aviv.

“In that period,” Nadia recalls, “Victoria and I met a dancer named Miko. He suggested that we go to Belgium, buy a wig and a dress, work as women and make a bundle of money. I don’t know whether I believed him or not, but I did it. I quit my job, got severance pay and went to Belgium with Victoria. We started to work as cross-dressers. At night I would dress up as a woman, and during the day I was a regular guy.”

Still not knowing how to read or write, but with acute street smarts, Nadia worked in Europe and met people from all classes of society. “I didn’t really know what to do with the money,” she notes. “For 15 years I lived in Europe, going from city to city, without knowing any languages other than Hebrew and Arabic. Trying to go deal with people who spoke Flemish, French, English, Turkish and Ladino. But I learned and I matured. I didn’t learn perfectly, but I started to get along. I would call to people, ‘Hello, come here, do you want to make love?’”

I try to ask Nadia about the hardships of night life, the world of clubs, the striptease acts and the prostitution, about the violence and exploitation that her life must have entailed. But she rebuffs the question even before I finish asking it. “There, I felt free and strong,” she asserts.

As we speak, it occurs to me that “freedom” is a relative term – elusive, era-dependent, biography-dependent, gender-dependent. The freedom she had in Europe was juxtaposed with her history, her past, the vulnerability, the secret and the rough life she had endured at home.

But as the years passed, Nadia’s attitude toward freedom and the “glamorous life” in Europe changed. After 15 years, she relates, “I felt that I couldn’t go on like that. I’d already started to become older, you could say, and I decided to return to Israel. I wanted to leave that way of life completely. I didn’t want it. I was revolted or despairing.”

The Surgery

Back in Israel, Nadia tried to start over. She found a job washing dishes in a Tel Aviv restaurant, but the regular hours and the minimum-wage work under a tough boss-woman was not for her. “The proprietress really tormented me,” she recalls, “until one day I took off the apron, threw it in her face and told her, ‘The salary I get from you in a month, I can earn alone in an hour.’”

She stalked out, and in the meantime moved in with Carol, a friend she’d known since the days on the boulevard bench. “I lived with him at the corner of Dizengoff and Ben-Gurion Avenue, on the top floor. One day, as we were talking, he suddenly says to me, ‘Nadia, if you want to have a sex-change operation, now’s the time. There’s an American doctor here, now.’”

Sex-reassignment surgery was almost unknown in Israel at the time, but it wasn’t a new concept to Nadia: “In the years when I worked in Europe, I met lady-men and also transvestites of all kinds.” Some of them had the surgery. She felt that this was what she had to do. Not hesitating for a moment, she met with the physician. As soon as he saw her, she says proudly, he agreed to operate. He explained the cost, told her about the process itself, the recovery period, and sent her for diagnosis by a psychiatrist, who also gave his immediate approval. A week later, she was in Sheba Medical Center among the wounded soldiers.

After the physical transformation, Nadia had to cope with the official, bureaucratic changes, including her gender classification in her ID card and passport. Unlike today, no orderly procedure for all this existed in early-1970s Israel. The Interior Ministry, flummoxed, sent her to the Health Ministry, which ruled that a person who wished to change his gender officially records had to go before a medical committee.

“I came to the committee, lay on the bed, opened my legs. I was examined by about 12 doctors, and they all said, ‘You are a woman in every respect, except that you can’t have children.’ I understood, and said, ‘Children there will definitely never be.’ I went back to the Interior Ministry and they immediately changed my ID and passport from ‘male’ to ‘female.’”

With her brand new passport, which bore the photograph of a woman, Nadia flew to Europe once more, this time to Berlin. “I was supposed to work next to a hotel, go up with each client, agree with him on a price of 30 or 50 marks, and then sleep with him And I wasn’t used to that kind of work. When I worked in the clubs, I would lure them with drinks, and I knew how to get more and more money from them without giving anything in return.”

In short order, however, Nadia returned to Tel Aviv – this time to stay. She worked in a nightclub on the seaside promenade. “Every client whom I could tell had plenty of money, I turned into my regular client. If I were to count the number of men I met in my life, it would be the length of a bridge from here to New York,” she says with resounding laughter. “All the rich guys, all the men who have inferiority feelings and are ashamed with their wives, they all came to me at whatever price I wanted.”

Eventually Nadia made enough money to buy an apartment in the upscale Bavli neighborhood in Tel Aviv’s Old North – a place she could call home, and which afforded her quiet and security.

One evening, a friend told her that she’d met a boy of 14 who’d run away from home and was sleeping in the street. Nadia felt that life had destined her to meet with this boy, whom she herself had been, sleeping on benches and hungry for bread. She asked her friend to bring the boy to her. Immediately she made a place for the boy, whose name she asks not to share, in her home and in her heart. Nadia, who had survived alone her whole life, raised him like a son.

At the age of 18, the youth was drafted into the air force. After his service he married and fathered children. Nadia remained by his side throughout, but the boy who matured into a man was unable to bear the difficult memories of his earlier life, and died suddenly and tragically. Nadia was shattered. It was the first time she had allowed herself to truly get close to someone, to create a family of her own.

“It was terribly hard for me,” she says now. “I couldn’t function anymore. He was the most precious thing in the world for me. No siblings and no family and no one else – only him.”

Nadia invited the widow and her two small children to move in with her. They lived together as a kind of family for 18 years, until the relations between them grew too complex and Nadia again felt that she had to leave home in order to preserve her freedom: “I really didn’t want to return to the kind of life I had lived with my family [growing up], to deal with difficult relationships, so I picked myself up and went, and left them the house, with no misgivings.”

The family of the adoptive son continued to live in Nadia’s spacious home in the Bavli neighborhood, while Nadia, who hadn’t been in touch with her own siblings and their families for years, returned to Hatikva. She moved into a one-room apartment that her father, who had since passed away, had left her in the family compound. She now lives in proximity to her brothers (her sister is no longer alive), but has no contact with them, she says. Time hasn’t dulled the pain. Nadia is unforgiving, but also unafraid, of them or of anyone.

“With all the suffering I went through, God always loved me and always looked after me, maybe he pitied me, I don’t know,” she says.

Donating a Torah

I’m in Nadia’s small room. We’re listening to the radio, to the very program we recorded in which Nadia is the star and tells her story in her voice. Occasionally she confirms what’s being broadcast, saying, “It’s all true, on my father’s grave.”

Photographs of Nadia in her youth peer out at us from the walls. She looks at them and says to me with a half-smile, “Old age will grab everyone in the end, there’s no one who won’t die.” Contemplating her death, she says with a wink that she deserves to be buried in Tel Aviv’s historical Trumpeldor cemetery, next to all of Israel’s founding fathers. But what’s truly important to her is to donate a Torah scroll in her name to the neighborhood synagogue. Nadia answers to no one but God and herself.

Now, at 85, Nadia has come full circle with her past, with the memories that well up and with the freedom she craved – and, finally, achieved: “I had it very good, and I loved my life. From the time I ran away from home and until I got to the cross-dressing and afterward the operation, and beyond, I was always happy in my life. I wanted and I chose and that’s the most beautiful and the best thing in life. I did what my heart demanded and what it wanted. That’s all. There’s nothing more beautiful than that. Live free in life and you have it good.”

[easyfoodnetwork]

Coronavirus Has Changed the Way We Think About Disposable Plastics

Photo credit should read MARTIN BUREAU/AFP via Getty Images

Many stores are banning reusable food containers and canvas shopping bags, which means plastic bags and straws are everywhere again 

This story was originally published on Civil Eats.

Instead of taking CSA members’ cloth bags and returning them filled with fresh vegetables, farmers Jesse Frost and Hannah Crabtree delivered mid-April shares in plastic bags. And for the weekly farmers’ market in Lexington, Kentucky, they used smaller plastic bags to individually package their greens, which would normally be loose in bins for shoppers to reach into.

Single-use plastic doesn’t align with Rough Draft Farmstead’s commitment to environmentalism. But as they hustle to reinvent their business plan for 2020 while continuing to produce and sell food during a pandemic, they’ve had to adjust the hierarchy that determines their priorities, Frost said.

“Everything’s kind of been scrambled,” he said. “The first thing we have to do is figure out what our marketing approach is. Then, figure out what the distribution looks like. Then, we have to figure out how to keep all of those things sanitary.”

As farmers, farmers’ markets, grocery stores, and restaurants have all raced to confront a quickly reordered reality, the qualities that contributed to single-use plastic becoming such a ubiquitous problem over decades — it is incredibly cheap and convenient — are contributing to a resurgence in use. And it’s happening at a time when the recycling of plastic has been severely curtailed.

“I’m probably using more plastic from one grocery trip than I normally would in months,” said Abby K. Cannon, a Long Island-based nutritionist who also coaches clients on low-waste living.

While there is no evidence that the coronavirus is transmitted on food or that wrapping food in plastic is safer, all of the activities that surround the use of reusables — reaching, swapping, and sharing — are off limits. And throwing something away that came from outside the home and was touched by unknown hands simply feels safer.

In recent weeks, the plastics industry has spread mis-information about the dangers of reusable bags.

Some grocery stores and counties have banned cloth bags, and more people are shopping for groceries online, which generally results in more plastic packaging. Farmers’ market tables are now stocked with vegetables pre-packed into plastic bags, and CSA pick-ups that were once self-serve now involve plastic bags inside larger plastic bags or boxes. In addition, coffee shops that used to give discounts for bringing cups from home have stopped allowing them.

In the midst of this, the plastics industry has stepped in to spread misinformation about the dangers of reusable bags and has successfully reversed plastic bag bans in some states and cities. And news came out this morning that plastics industry trade association is now asking for a $1 billion bailout from the U.S. government.

It’s clear that at the moment, concerns about the waste generated from single-use packaging, and especially plastic, in the food system will have to take a backseat to the immediate health, safety, and economic concerns that have arisen during the pandemic.

But activism to fight plastic waste during the pandemic persists: On April 22, a new documentary on the costs of plastic pollution premiered. And some say the temporary shift will be gradually worked out as we learn more about COVID-19 and the shape of the new economy — and that it could even lead to Americans asking deeper questions about sustainable habits.

Grocery store plastic and the campaign against reusables

Around the country, restrictions on reusable bags at grocery stores began to pick up steam as the coronavirus pandemic worsened.

The governor of New Hampshire banned reusable bags in the state in late March; San Francisco banned reusable bags in stores citywide at the beginning of April, and the state of California lifted a fee on plastic bags for two months at the end of April; and Maine delayed the implementation of a plastic bag ban that was set to go into effect in late April. Meanwhile, supermarket chains have implemented their own policies: Trader Joe’s, for example, is not allowing reusable bags at any of its locations.

While many of these policies sprung out of an abundance of caution, Mother Jones recently documented how the plastics industry and affiliated think tanks are attempting to use the momentum to reverse plastic bag bans around the country. To do so, they are spreading false information about the dangers of coronavirus on reusables and asking the federal government to back that misinformation.

“We are asking that the Department of Health and Human Services… make a public statement on the health and safety benefits seen in single-use plastics,” Tony Radoszewski, the president and CEO of the Plastics Industry Association, recently wrote in a letter to the Secretary of Health and Human Services. The federal government has not obliged, but the coordinated PR campaign has resulted in misleading news coverage, influenced public opinion, and led to local bans on reusable bags.

The strategy is nothing new: In the past, industry groups have funded studies that found bacteria on reusable bags. While scientists said the research merely pointed to the importance of washing bags, the industry has wielded it to fight plastic bag bans. In a new report, Greenpeace documents how exploiting concerns about COVID-19 is a continuation of a long-running misinformation campaign to overturn plastic bag bans.

However, expert after expert has detailed how there is no evidence that COVID-19 lives longer on cloth or cotton compared to plastic. (There have been no studies specifically on the coronavirus and reusable bags.) One study found the virus can live on plastic for a few days, versus 24 hours on cardboard. Overall, experts emphasize that the risk of contracting coronavirus from touching any bag is very low, and that most transmission occurs from breathing in particles when in close proximity to other people.

Still, at a time when more deaths of grocery workers are being reported, it makes sense to take every precaution to minimize contact with shoppers. Some stores, like Target and Mom’s Organic Markets, are doing this not by banning reusable bags, but by requiring that shoppers bag their own groceries.

At Whole Foods, Long Island nutritionist Cannon normally does most of her shopping by filling her own containers in the bulk section. But the first time she hit the supermarket after the shelter-in-place order had been issued in New York, she couldn’t bring herself to handle the shared scoops. “It made me afraid,” she said. “Right now, I’d much prefer to get something prepackaged. I don’t trust other people washing their hands, or even myself and my bags.”

Plastic is also having a moment thanks to an increase in grocery delivery. A recent Pew Research Center survey found that one in five adults in the U.S. say they’ve used a “food delivery service” instead of going to a grocery store or restaurant, due to COVID-19.

On a recent afternoon, a delivery person, wearing plastic gloves and a disposable mask, carried about 15 plastic grocery bags from her van to a Baltimore, Maryland rowhouse and crammed them into the vestibule. Even companies like Whole Foods that deliver orders in paper bags often package individual food items inside those bags — like a bunch of bananas — in plastic. Grocery delivery relied on plastic before the pandemic, but shoppers who would have grabbed an unwrapped bunch of bananas and used reusable bags before are now relying on it.

However, there are exceptions to the new tendency toward plastic. Brooklyn-based the Wally Shop, for example, applies bulk bin principles to online grocery, sending staple foods in reusable jars that shoppers send back to be cleaned and put back into circulation. In early April, the company opened up nationwide shipping for the first time and has been struggling to keep up with demand. In other words, many consumers are still okay with reusable packaging, it turns out, if social distancing is maintained.

Plastic in local food distribution

At the National Young Farmers Coalition, business services director Cara Fraver helps farmers understand and implement food safety practices, through services like the recent publication “A Small Farmer’s Practical Guide to Food Safety.” Fraver said that while even the small farms that didn’t fall under specific food-safety rules mandated by Food Safety Modernization Act (FSMA) or Good Agricultural Practices (GAP) were often paying attention to safety before, coronavirus upped the ante.

“This is certainly a galvanizing moment of starting to take your food safety practices incredibly seriously [as a farmer], in the same way that we’re all suddenly doing so much better with not touching our faces and washing our hands,” Fraver said.

Some of those farm practices that are being adopted involve single-use plastic, like lining produce boxes with a new liner each time they’re reused (a practice that was already required for some farms) and using lots of throwaway gloves. “That is a little antithetical to a lot of the reasons we see people excited about farming from an ecological standpoint,” she said.

At farmers’ markets, “everything is more likely to be pre-bagged,” she said, and market-style CSA pick-ups that are especially popular on the East Coast are increasingly shifting to handing out pre-bagged or boxed shares. Some of these changes, Fraver noted, are being made to ease eaters’ concerns at a time when everyone is scared and reliable information on the virus is not always easy to find.

“It’s not just what is safe, it’s also what is perceived as safe,” she said. A good example is that while strict hand washing protocols can be more effective than wearing gloves (especially if gloves are not being utilized properly), farmers wearing gloves at markets send a visual signal to shoppers about preventative measures.

Fraver also noted that a lot of the increase in packaging is not about food or containers being contaminated with the virus, it’s about getting people out of markets and CSA pick-ups faster, since transmission is more likely to occur when individuals congregate.

Finding creative solutions to plastic bags

Farmer Michael Protas of One Acre Farm in Dickerson, Maryland, was worried about that issue at his four CSA pick-up sites, which in past years have been executed market-style, with members bringing their own produce bags and totes to walk down a line while grabbing their food. “On Capitol Hill, we had 40 families that would come into a smallish garage … and that’s not gonna fly at the moment,” he said.

Protas had always provided compostable BioBags for members who forgot their reusables, but switching to a pre-packaged system meant a major increase in the number of bags he’d need. “We’re gonna be flying through these things,” he said. He knew that would be cost prohibitive and that other small farms in the region were likely facing the same dilemma.

Instead of switching to much cheaper plastic bags, he proposed organizing a bulk purchase with other farmers in the Mid-Atlantic. Local nonprofit Future Harvest helped organize the endeavor, and 13 farms signed on; Protas placed an order for 27 cases of produce bags and 13 cases of T-shirt bags for the farms to use throughout the coming season.

More markets and farmers will figure out creative solutions as they gain confidence about safety and are able to calibrate to new systems. “Things are changing so dramatically and fast,” Frost said.

At Rough Draft Farmstead, he sees space in the future to place bulk orders for boxes or paper bags or to reconsider reusable cloth bags. “We hope as the season goes on and we learn more about how the virus is transmitted, we can make decisions that keep us safe and the customers safe,” he said.

It’s the kind of push-and-pull decision making that nutritionist Cannon said is necessary right now. While she’s alarmed (but not surprised) by industry efforts to reverse bag bans, for most individuals producing, shopping for, and eating food, cutting back on single-use packaging waste just might not be possible for a while.

That doesn’t mean Americans are putting their concerns about the environment aside. In fact, Kearney, a consulting firm, released the results of a new consumer survey on Earth Day. Nearly half of the respondents said the pandemic had made them more concerned about the environment. Fifty-nine percent said they are likely to use reusable shopping bags in the future; the biggest plans for future behavioral shifts that respondents reported were to decline plastic utensils and buy food in bulk.

For now, Cannon is focusing on other aspects of sustainable living. “I was crazy about food waste before, but it’s next-level now. If something is going to go bad, it goes in the freezer, or I’m repurposing it and we’re eating it. We’re shopping less. We’re working from home and not getting food on the go; we’re not driving,” she said. “I will be able to go back to bulk buying [at some point], I’m confident in that. But I think what this has made me realize is the conversation is about so much more than plastic and how I shop for food.”

While learning to bake her own bread, signing up for a CSA to support local agriculture, and changing her three-month-old’s cloth diapers, Cannon is thinking about self-sufficiency. “I hope that at the end of this, people are more mindful and are more open to having conversations about what it means to be sustainable,” she said. “Right now, everything is very stressful, and things are going to come in plastic.”

• How the Pandemic Is Creating a Plastic Boom [Civil Eats]

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3eZg1BX https://ift.tt/2YgCV1W

Photo credit should read MARTIN BUREAU/AFP via Getty Images

Many stores are banning reusable food containers and canvas shopping bags, which means plastic bags and straws are everywhere again 

This story was originally published on Civil Eats.

Instead of taking CSA members’ cloth bags and returning them filled with fresh vegetables, farmers Jesse Frost and Hannah Crabtree delivered mid-April shares in plastic bags. And for the weekly farmers’ market in Lexington, Kentucky, they used smaller plastic bags to individually package their greens, which would normally be loose in bins for shoppers to reach into.

Single-use plastic doesn’t align with Rough Draft Farmstead’s commitment to environmentalism. But as they hustle to reinvent their business plan for 2020 while continuing to produce and sell food during a pandemic, they’ve had to adjust the hierarchy that determines their priorities, Frost said.

“Everything’s kind of been scrambled,” he said. “The first thing we have to do is figure out what our marketing approach is. Then, figure out what the distribution looks like. Then, we have to figure out how to keep all of those things sanitary.”

As farmers, farmers’ markets, grocery stores, and restaurants have all raced to confront a quickly reordered reality, the qualities that contributed to single-use plastic becoming such a ubiquitous problem over decades — it is incredibly cheap and convenient — are contributing to a resurgence in use. And it’s happening at a time when the recycling of plastic has been severely curtailed.

“I’m probably using more plastic from one grocery trip than I normally would in months,” said Abby K. Cannon, a Long Island-based nutritionist who also coaches clients on low-waste living.

While there is no evidence that the coronavirus is transmitted on food or that wrapping food in plastic is safer, all of the activities that surround the use of reusables — reaching, swapping, and sharing — are off limits. And throwing something away that came from outside the home and was touched by unknown hands simply feels safer.

In recent weeks, the plastics industry has spread mis-information about the dangers of reusable bags.

Some grocery stores and counties have banned cloth bags, and more people are shopping for groceries online, which generally results in more plastic packaging. Farmers’ market tables are now stocked with vegetables pre-packed into plastic bags, and CSA pick-ups that were once self-serve now involve plastic bags inside larger plastic bags or boxes. In addition, coffee shops that used to give discounts for bringing cups from home have stopped allowing them.

In the midst of this, the plastics industry has stepped in to spread misinformation about the dangers of reusable bags and has successfully reversed plastic bag bans in some states and cities. And news came out this morning that plastics industry trade association is now asking for a $1 billion bailout from the U.S. government.

It’s clear that at the moment, concerns about the waste generated from single-use packaging, and especially plastic, in the food system will have to take a backseat to the immediate health, safety, and economic concerns that have arisen during the pandemic.

But activism to fight plastic waste during the pandemic persists: On April 22, a new documentary on the costs of plastic pollution premiered. And some say the temporary shift will be gradually worked out as we learn more about COVID-19 and the shape of the new economy — and that it could even lead to Americans asking deeper questions about sustainable habits.

Grocery store plastic and the campaign against reusables

Around the country, restrictions on reusable bags at grocery stores began to pick up steam as the coronavirus pandemic worsened.

The governor of New Hampshire banned reusable bags in the state in late March; San Francisco banned reusable bags in stores citywide at the beginning of April, and the state of California lifted a fee on plastic bags for two months at the end of April; and Maine delayed the implementation of a plastic bag ban that was set to go into effect in late April. Meanwhile, supermarket chains have implemented their own policies: Trader Joe’s, for example, is not allowing reusable bags at any of its locations.

While many of these policies sprung out of an abundance of caution, Mother Jones recently documented how the plastics industry and affiliated think tanks are attempting to use the momentum to reverse plastic bag bans around the country. To do so, they are spreading false information about the dangers of coronavirus on reusables and asking the federal government to back that misinformation.

“We are asking that the Department of Health and Human Services… make a public statement on the health and safety benefits seen in single-use plastics,” Tony Radoszewski, the president and CEO of the Plastics Industry Association, recently wrote in a letter to the Secretary of Health and Human Services. The federal government has not obliged, but the coordinated PR campaign has resulted in misleading news coverage, influenced public opinion, and led to local bans on reusable bags.

The strategy is nothing new: In the past, industry groups have funded studies that found bacteria on reusable bags. While scientists said the research merely pointed to the importance of washing bags, the industry has wielded it to fight plastic bag bans. In a new report, Greenpeace documents how exploiting concerns about COVID-19 is a continuation of a long-running misinformation campaign to overturn plastic bag bans.

However, expert after expert has detailed how there is no evidence that COVID-19 lives longer on cloth or cotton compared to plastic. (There have been no studies specifically on the coronavirus and reusable bags.) One study found the virus can live on plastic for a few days, versus 24 hours on cardboard. Overall, experts emphasize that the risk of contracting coronavirus from touching any bag is very low, and that most transmission occurs from breathing in particles when in close proximity to other people.

Still, at a time when more deaths of grocery workers are being reported, it makes sense to take every precaution to minimize contact with shoppers. Some stores, like Target and Mom’s Organic Markets, are doing this not by banning reusable bags, but by requiring that shoppers bag their own groceries.

At Whole Foods, Long Island nutritionist Cannon normally does most of her shopping by filling her own containers in the bulk section. But the first time she hit the supermarket after the shelter-in-place order had been issued in New York, she couldn’t bring herself to handle the shared scoops. “It made me afraid,” she said. “Right now, I’d much prefer to get something prepackaged. I don’t trust other people washing their hands, or even myself and my bags.”

Plastic is also having a moment thanks to an increase in grocery delivery. A recent Pew Research Center survey found that one in five adults in the U.S. say they’ve used a “food delivery service” instead of going to a grocery store or restaurant, due to COVID-19.

On a recent afternoon, a delivery person, wearing plastic gloves and a disposable mask, carried about 15 plastic grocery bags from her van to a Baltimore, Maryland rowhouse and crammed them into the vestibule. Even companies like Whole Foods that deliver orders in paper bags often package individual food items inside those bags — like a bunch of bananas — in plastic. Grocery delivery relied on plastic before the pandemic, but shoppers who would have grabbed an unwrapped bunch of bananas and used reusable bags before are now relying on it.

However, there are exceptions to the new tendency toward plastic. Brooklyn-based the Wally Shop, for example, applies bulk bin principles to online grocery, sending staple foods in reusable jars that shoppers send back to be cleaned and put back into circulation. In early April, the company opened up nationwide shipping for the first time and has been struggling to keep up with demand. In other words, many consumers are still okay with reusable packaging, it turns out, if social distancing is maintained.

Plastic in local food distribution

At the National Young Farmers Coalition, business services director Cara Fraver helps farmers understand and implement food safety practices, through services like the recent publication “A Small Farmer’s Practical Guide to Food Safety.” Fraver said that while even the small farms that didn’t fall under specific food-safety rules mandated by Food Safety Modernization Act (FSMA) or Good Agricultural Practices (GAP) were often paying attention to safety before, coronavirus upped the ante.

“This is certainly a galvanizing moment of starting to take your food safety practices incredibly seriously [as a farmer], in the same way that we’re all suddenly doing so much better with not touching our faces and washing our hands,” Fraver said.

Some of those farm practices that are being adopted involve single-use plastic, like lining produce boxes with a new liner each time they’re reused (a practice that was already required for some farms) and using lots of throwaway gloves. “That is a little antithetical to a lot of the reasons we see people excited about farming from an ecological standpoint,” she said.

At farmers’ markets, “everything is more likely to be pre-bagged,” she said, and market-style CSA pick-ups that are especially popular on the East Coast are increasingly shifting to handing out pre-bagged or boxed shares. Some of these changes, Fraver noted, are being made to ease eaters’ concerns at a time when everyone is scared and reliable information on the virus is not always easy to find.

“It’s not just what is safe, it’s also what is perceived as safe,” she said. A good example is that while strict hand washing protocols can be more effective than wearing gloves (especially if gloves are not being utilized properly), farmers wearing gloves at markets send a visual signal to shoppers about preventative measures.

Fraver also noted that a lot of the increase in packaging is not about food or containers being contaminated with the virus, it’s about getting people out of markets and CSA pick-ups faster, since transmission is more likely to occur when individuals congregate.

Finding creative solutions to plastic bags

Farmer Michael Protas of One Acre Farm in Dickerson, Maryland, was worried about that issue at his four CSA pick-up sites, which in past years have been executed market-style, with members bringing their own produce bags and totes to walk down a line while grabbing their food. “On Capitol Hill, we had 40 families that would come into a smallish garage … and that’s not gonna fly at the moment,” he said.

Protas had always provided compostable BioBags for members who forgot their reusables, but switching to a pre-packaged system meant a major increase in the number of bags he’d need. “We’re gonna be flying through these things,” he said. He knew that would be cost prohibitive and that other small farms in the region were likely facing the same dilemma.

Instead of switching to much cheaper plastic bags, he proposed organizing a bulk purchase with other farmers in the Mid-Atlantic. Local nonprofit Future Harvest helped organize the endeavor, and 13 farms signed on; Protas placed an order for 27 cases of produce bags and 13 cases of T-shirt bags for the farms to use throughout the coming season.

More markets and farmers will figure out creative solutions as they gain confidence about safety and are able to calibrate to new systems. “Things are changing so dramatically and fast,” Frost said.

At Rough Draft Farmstead, he sees space in the future to place bulk orders for boxes or paper bags or to reconsider reusable cloth bags. “We hope as the season goes on and we learn more about how the virus is transmitted, we can make decisions that keep us safe and the customers safe,” he said.

It’s the kind of push-and-pull decision making that nutritionist Cannon said is necessary right now. While she’s alarmed (but not surprised) by industry efforts to reverse bag bans, for most individuals producing, shopping for, and eating food, cutting back on single-use packaging waste just might not be possible for a while.

That doesn’t mean Americans are putting their concerns about the environment aside. In fact, Kearney, a consulting firm, released the results of a new consumer survey on Earth Day. Nearly half of the respondents said the pandemic had made them more concerned about the environment. Fifty-nine percent said they are likely to use reusable shopping bags in the future; the biggest plans for future behavioral shifts that respondents reported were to decline plastic utensils and buy food in bulk.

For now, Cannon is focusing on other aspects of sustainable living. “I was crazy about food waste before, but it’s next-level now. If something is going to go bad, it goes in the freezer, or I’m repurposing it and we’re eating it. We’re shopping less. We’re working from home and not getting food on the go; we’re not driving,” she said. “I will be able to go back to bulk buying [at some point], I’m confident in that. But I think what this has made me realize is the conversation is about so much more than plastic and how I shop for food.”

While learning to bake her own bread, signing up for a CSA to support local agriculture, and changing her three-month-old’s cloth diapers, Cannon is thinking about self-sufficiency. “I hope that at the end of this, people are more mindful and are more open to having conversations about what it means to be sustainable,” she said. “Right now, everything is very stressful, and things are going to come in plastic.”

• How the Pandemic Is Creating a Plastic Boom [Civil Eats]

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[junker-town]

How sports is Seven Worlds, One Planet: Episode 5?

Alfred Trunk/McPhoto/ullstein bild via Getty Images

David Attenborough’s new show is epic ... and sports.

We continue our extremely important mission to conduct a scene-by-scene review of the BBC’s new nature documentary, Seven Worlds, One Planet, in order to see how sports it is. We determined that Episode 1, which focused on Antarctica, was reasonably sports. Asia was very sports, as was South America. Australia was more drinking than sports, but that’s OK. Now it’s time for ...

Episode 5 Europe

Let’s start with a prologue: there are really only six continents, and Europe’s not one of them. I’m sorry, it just isn’t. Every other continent is separated from its neighbour by something sensible — an isthmus, perhaps, or a whole-ass ocean in the case of Australia. Europe is just a chunk of Eurasia that thinks it’s cool. You’re never going to convince me that the Ural Mountains are a sensible continental boundary. Europe’s a big, smug, densely-populated peninsula and that is all.

There is still some cool stuff going on there though.

Scene 1: Attempted Urfanticide

Europe used to be dominated by an enormous forest. Almost all of it is gone. Such progress! But some remains and in Finland there’s enough to support a small (1,500) population of brown bears. Some members of that population are adorable:

This scene isn’t all frolicking baby bears, however. Where there are bear cubs, there are also bear mothers, and where there are bear mothers there are hopeful bear-fathers in pursuit. Bear, as you may know, share an unfortunate habit with many large carnivores: if they can, big males will kill infants which they haven’t fathered.

So when a big male shows up, the cubs play it safe and scamper up a tree, while the mother responds to his catcalls by telling him to leave her family the hell alone. (I don’t speak bear, but the context makes things clear.)

The cubs then proceed to play it somewhat less than safe, coming down while the male is still in sight. They’re in mortal danger, so the mother goes full on Bear Mama and runs the male off into the woods. Good parenting. Bad childrening.

Aesthetics 9/10

I just want to squeeze their little bear cub cheeks, although, since their mother could tear me in half without trying, I would probably have to be quite drunk to actually attempt this.

Difficulty 8/10

Bear cubs are surprisingly good climbers. Conifers have straight, overly-disciplined trunks, and are therefore much harder to climb than most large deciduous trees, which are more sprawling and inviting. And yet the little dudes zip straight up them.

Competitiveness 10/10

Male brown bears average almost 500 pounds. Female brown bears are closer to 350. That’s one brave charge.

Overall 27/30

Most parenting is not a sport. Bear parenting is a sport.

Scene 2: The Hair-Cows

When my three-year-old saw this scene, he decided he was watching “hair-cows”, which is at least as good a name as “musk ox”. (He also claimed he wanted to eat “hair-cow nuggets” for dinner, a worryingly predatory request.) Hair-cows are, true to their name, very hairy cows that live up in the tundra.

The tundra is not a very nice place to live. It’s cold, there’s basically no vegetation to break up the wind, and although it’s majestic in a desolate sort of way, I don’t think I’d be able to appreciate it on account of not being able to feel my legs. The hair-cows’ shaggy coats help them stay warm in this barren environment. Their huge horns help with ... other stuff.

Hair-cow herds are run by a bull, who controls mating rights for the whole group. A bull who doesn’t run a herd essentially has to go off and live on his own, which makes them pretty enthusiastic to upgrade their living situation. And that’s where the horns come in.

When a lone male meets a herd whose leader he thinks he can handle, this happens:

Still not as bad as the hangover from last week #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/IIwSbmrU4I

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

Let’s review the numbers. Quoting from Wikipedia, hair-cows:

can reach speeds of up to 60 km/h (37 mph).

on average, weigh 285 kilograms (630 pounds) and range from 180 to 410 kilograms (400 to 900 pounds).

Big bulls at the top of their game will therefore weigh close to 900 pounds and charge at each other significantly faster than, say, Usian Bolt. They also have four-inch think skulls to protect each other from a battering. Well-matched males can end up charging and gouging for some time, and if the fight goes on long enough we start to get head-to-flank goring action. Which just seems unpleasant, really.

Anyway, this is a long and drawn-out hair-cow fight. Good stuff.

Aesthetics 6/10

Hair-cows aren’t the world’s most attractive creatures, but at least they have style. Demerits on account of male hair-cows smelling like they’ve coated themselves in urine, because that is in fact what they have done: “The odor of dominant rutting males is ‘strong’ and ‘rank’. It derives from the preputial gland and is distributed over the fur of the abdomen via urine.”

Cool.

Difficulty 10/10

Taking a single head-on hit from a hair-cow would send your corporeal self into next week and probably eliminate your soul altogether.

Competitiveness 10/10

This is a great fight. It’s long, hard-fought, and there are enough twists and turns to keep things interesting. Well done, hair-cows.

Overall 26/30

Definitely a sport.

Scene 3: Wolves

You don’t really expect to find wolves roaming around Europe. Well, that’s not exactly true: I played last year’s Assassin’s Creed, so I expect to find a pack of wolves roughly every four yards, including in major cities. But in real life, finding a pack of wolves on the edge of an Italian village would come as something of a surprise.

Not that you’re likely to find these wolves. They’re so elusive that the Seven Worlds team had to film them all through thermal cameras, which gives this whole scene an ethereal look:

Sirius Black? Is that you? #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/DZvtQTW8Xg

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

It’s mid-winter and the wolves are hungry, so they’re attempting to ambush a herd of red deer in the darkness. Their first attempt fails thanks to a combination of being too noisy and having their hunt disrupted by a passing car. Humans!

Their second is better planned out, and they manage to isolate one of the deer and herd it down the mountain. As it tries to escape, it slips on an icy road (humans!) and the hungry pack manage to bring it down.

Unfortunately, the hunt has been watched by the village sheepdogs, who flood out to chase off the wolves and claim the kill as their own. Poor wolves.

Aesthetics 7/10

The night vision gives this an air of fantasy, which is nice because one gets the feeling that these wolves would be somewhat bedraggled had they been caught on normal cameras.

Difficulty 8/10

Hunting down deer in what amounts to pitch blackness sounds very difficult indeed.

Competitiveness 8/10

The deer give the wolves a seriously hard time, and the emergence of a third party right at the end is a clever twist.

Overall 25/30

Extended hunts are almost always sports.

Scene 4: Monkeys

The presence of Barbary macaques in Gibraltar is a reminder of the planet’s habit of undergoing massive changes over relatively short timescales. There are no monkeys in Europe except these ones, and they’re here because around five million years ago, the Strait of Gibraltar was closed, and north African animals had free rein to wander over to the Iberian peninsula.

Then came the Zanclean Deluge. With the Straits closed, the Mediterranean had no access to the Atlantic and slowly evaporated. And when they re-opened, the Mediterranean re-filled in about two years, powered by what was probably the biggest waterfall the planet has ever seen. This has very little to do with the monkeys. I just think it’s interesting.

Gibraltar, right on the southern tip of the continent, is home to Europe’s only monkeys. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/GMnBIod7Eq

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

Anyway, Barbary macaques spread across southern Europe, but eventually (I assume because of the Ice Age, etc.) they collapsed back into a small population at the Rock of Gibraltar. Around 300 monkeys still live there. Some of those monkeys, incidentally, have a thing for kidnapping.

A low-status female monkey (these macaques live in tiered social groups) has just had a baby, and a higher-ranking female is jealous of her. So she steals the baby and runs away. The mother is so low-ranking that she can’t approach the other monkey for fear of the rest of the troop ganging up on her.

High monkey drama ensues as the kidnapper — who clearly has no idea what she’s doing with a baby — makes her escape, climbing a cable car tower with a tiny little monkey dangling off her. Eventually the mother catches up with the baby-thief, but the gang is more than 100 feet above the ground, and any wrong move might lead to a fall and certain death ...

... so naturally, the situation is resolved by grooming. Mama monkey finds a random monkey to groom within sight of the kidnapper, who gets so jealous that she gives the baby back in exchange for a change to get in on the action.

Most of this was some action movie stuff, but the end might be difficult to translate. I’m trying to imagine Liam Neeson rasping into his phone about his “particular set of skills,” only for them to turn out to be removing parasites from the other person’s hair with his teeth.

It’d be weird, but you’d watch it.

Aesthetics 7/10

Monkeys just aren’t that cute, even baby monkeys. The tension, fortunately, is accentuated by the impressive cinematography.

Difficulty 10/10

As a parent I have found it is more or less impossible to do anything with a baby, so climbing a cable car tower while fleeing the scene of a crime, baby in tow, is impressive work. Not morally impressive, mind.

Competitiveness 10/10

The ending doesn’t take anything away from the stakes.

Overall 27/30

Kidnapping monkey babies is sports. But please do not attempt this particular sport, at home or anywhere else.

Scene 5: Grave-Robbing Hamster Battle

This is it. This is what we’ve all been waiting for. The culmination of Sir David Attenborough’s long and storied career lies here, in a Viennese graveyard, where hamsters lie in wait to feast upon the offerings left for the dead ...

... it turns out that European hamsters love flowers. LOVE them. And, as graveyards have plenty of fresh flowers for them to munch through, that makes them prime hamster territory. Prime territory, of course, does not go uncontested. And while hamsters are cute and adorable, they’re also ferocious little balls of anger when roused. Observe:

Thug life. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/ePaxjj8Ybd

— BBC One (@BBCOne) November 24, 2019

Thwarted by the martial skills of the home hamster, the challenger has to sneak in while they’re distracted. And here, they’re more successful, creeping merrily over a tombstone and then munching happily on a bouquet before being enticed by a nice, uh, candle.

Attenborough claims that candles are full of oil and high in calories and therefore excellent hamster food, so I’ll take his word for it. The hamster certainly agrees, stuffing their face with as much wax as they can fit into their squishy little cheeks, which turns out to be a lot of wax: European hamsters can apparently fit about a quarter of their body-weight in their cheek pouches.

And now I should mention that this candle is in a jar with a slightly-tapered mouth and ... oh no.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again #SevenWorldsOnePlanet #wevealldoneit #chonkyboi pic.twitter.com/TDhY1YEpBd

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

My only regret is that Edgar Allen Poe never found out about this.

Aesthetics 30/10

COME TO ME, MY GRAVE-ROBBING HAMSTER FRIENDS. TOGETHER WE SHALL RULE THIS DISMAL PLANET.

Difficulty 10/10

WE SHALL RULE IT IN THE NAME OF PEACE.

Competitiveness 10/10

AND JUSTICE. AND COMPASSION.

Overall 50/30

AND DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS CANDLES. IT WILL BE A BETTER PLACE. ONE FULL OF HAMSTERS, WHICH ARE SPORTS.

Scene 6: Mayflies

In June, the largest of all mayflies emerge from a Hungarian river. They’ve spent three years as larvae preparing for just a few hours of adult life. The males come first, flapping to the banks to get one last molt in, and then fly back to the river to catch the females, emerging later.

There’s a terrifying amount of competition to fertilise female mayflies, accentuated by the fact the male mayflies are literally dying as they scramble to find a mate. The females have timed their emergence to within a few minutes of the males’ death, and as their corpses float past they then fly up-river, 10 million-strong. Then they die too, releasing their eggs upon impact.

Houston, that’s a lot of bugs. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/zp5GddXM2B

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

Within hours of the mayflies emergence into the European summer, they’re all dead. This is the most metaphorical metaphor that has ever metaphored.

Aesthetics 3/10

After three years of feeding and growing on the riverbed, the male mayflies appear first.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/V3bOFAv3R1

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

No.

Difficulty 8/10

It must be hard to try to be at the top of your game when you’re literally on the verge of death, especially in the middle of a mayfly melee.

Competitiveness 10/10

An entire generation of male mayflies fighting it out at the same time? Yeah, this is getting high marks.

Overall 21/30

Probably a sport.

Scene 7: Asshole Pelicans

Great white pelicans breed on the delta of the Danube river, one of the richest in the world. There are two things you should know about great white pelicans. The first is that they are huge. And I mean really, really huge: their wingspan can get to well over 10 feet and they can weigh as much as 30 pounds. The second thing you should know is that they’re assholes.

Flying above the delta, the pelican flock scans for food, using other birds for help

Cormorants: Come over. Pelicans: Can’t. Busy. Cormorants: We are eating delicious fish. Pelicans:

The real question here...are you a pelican? Or a pelican’t?#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/YRaphn3WUY

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

Do the pelicans go fishing once the cormorants have done the hard work of finding their prey? No. That’s not assholish enough for a great white pelican, and is also far too much work. Instead, they wait for the cormorants to do the fishing and then do whatever the hell this is:

K...O#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/48F9A4UDOM

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

The bullied cormorants quite naturally give up their spoils upon being engulfed by these horrible huge pirates. Imagine what it must be like having your head wrapped up in a penguin pouch. It’d like someone jamming your face into a yellow latex glove, and I’d rather get actually mugged.

Aesthetics 10/10

This scene is beautifully shot. All non-raptorial birds look better in large numbers, and the coordinated flight of the pelicans is gorgeous.

Difficulty 7/10

All these pelicans have to do is find and harass the people doing the real work, then enjoy their rewards. They’d do very well in the modern office. The cormorants, on the other hand, have to go fishing while being mugged by assholes, which sounds pretty difficult to me.

Competitiveness 5/10

Pick on someone your own size, pelicans.

Overall 22/30

Fishing is a sport. Piracy ... is also a sport?

Scene 8: The Offspring of the Cave Dragon

The face of Europe has been scoured by humans, turned from forests to homes and farms and roads and etc.. Under the skin, however, is a different story. Mankind’s reach doesn’t extend very effectually into caves, and nor does the sun’s, which leads to some very weird critters.

Olms, so far as I can tell, are the European equivalent of the American axolotl: blind albino cave salamanders which stay in larval form their whole lives. Unlike the axolotl, which is sort of cute, olms are very not:

Olms have feathery gills which enable them to breathe underwater, as well as on land.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/W75pHQ8gpS

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

Here be dragons Well...baby ones at least.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/MjdCQcDmxM

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

What they lack in cuteness they make up for in looking-like-an-eel-ness? Their weird looks and hermetic life led locals to believe that they were somehow related to more mythical beasts: 17th-century naturalist Johann Weikhard von Valvasor, upon handling an olm body, claimed that they were “baby dragons” which “resembled lizards.”

Fair enough, Johann.

Aesthetics 4/10

Weird-looking critters. Even the bonus point for being mistaken for baby dragons doesn’t net the olm very much.

Difficulty 10/10

Olms live in pitch blackness and only get a meal about once every 10 years. Even ignoring hunger, that environment would quickly reduce even the most hardened human into a gibbering wreck.

Competitiveness 0/10

Nothing happens.

Overall 14/30

Sorry, Johann, but olms aren’t sports.

Scene 9: Lynx

10/10 on the graceful fence leap, extra points for epicness.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/rkwRWiDxZN

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

It is hard to be an Iberian lynx. Nearly extinct, and hemmed in on all sides by human development, their population was at one point reduced to double-figures. Their final fastness is in southern Spain, where conservation efforts are going reasonably well. We are introduced to a lynx patriarch, who has helped preserve his species by fathering ... wait ARE WE GOING TO GET KITTENS?

And the award for cutest cat family goes to…#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/cfqvVJl0Qf

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 24, 2019

KITTENS! Anyway Iberian lynxes are doing better these days, but still not well at all. Europe has been so over-developed that there’s no room for wild animals to co-exist along with humans, and so, like the lynx, large animals everywhere are under threat. Unless people make a concentrated effort to be much better neighbours, the lynx, and many other critters, won’t last long.

Aesthetics 10/10

KITTENS!

Difficulty 7/10

Imagine living your days in existential dread, suspecting that you might be close to the end of the line for your whole species. Couldn’t relate.

Good jump though.

Competition 0/10

Nothing happens.

Overall 17/30

Probably not sports, although I could be tempted to change my mind for reasons entirely related to KITTENS!

[anhed-nia]

7/16/17: EXTRAORDINARY: THE STAN ROMANEK STORY

Like many lonely, chronically disappointed tweens who had the good fortune of growing up with the X-Files, I spent much of my youth in a permanent UFO frenzy. I pored over esoteric encyclopedia sets at the library, watched the stupid skies, subscribed to the MUFON newsletter, and even “read” books I couldn’t begin to understand about the theoretical physics of different recorded sightings. I was motivated by the same things as likeminded anybody-elses in similarly small, crappy towns: boredom, untreated mental illness, and easily substantiated feelings of inadequacy. Oh, and also group psychosis (I said, casually). My certifiable “best friend” at the time was a person who used her unassuming presentation and affected naivete to introduce, after a calculated fashion, all sorts of impossible ideas about her own alien encounters that were hard to ignore in their outrageousness. She excelled at setting these things up, not only as something that made her special, but as a reason for other people to feel sorry for her, which could put younger rubes like myself in an uncomfortable place. Certainly there was a whiff of artificiality about her, even for a desperate moron like myself, but I vividly remember my first feelings of full-on skepticism, inspired by a scene in which she was only a bystander. We had excitedly noticed a flyer for an event at our local library, at which an “experiencer” would be presenting his “evidence”. We got one of our parents to drive us and arrived in a mood of deadly seriousness, notebooks in hand, draped in cheap trench coats. I don’t know what I expected, but the guy (whose identity I can’t recall) was a completely familiar type of upstate redneck, who told his tale with a mixture of insistent self-importance and dewey-eyed victimhood, which I would later learn second-hand to associate with abusive parents and other sorts of suburban psychopaths. His prized abduction artifact appeared in photographs as a nondescript metal “implant”, which he unwisely accompanied with a recitation of arguments he had with medical professionals about how the item was swathed in fibers “from my underwears” and whether that could be because it showed no signs of extraterrestrial origin, or because the implant dropped out of his asshole. Even at the peak of my willingness to believe in anything that would make life seem more interesting, I felt my heart breaking a little as this person spoke.

Even now, decades later, I managed to take a similar emotional rollercoaster ride while subjecting myself to EXTRAORDINARY: THE STAN ROMANEK STORY. It’s been a long time since I felt even a twinge of real interest in the topic of alien abductions, but I maintain an interest in true crime media, both for the factual content, and out of morbid curiosity about how people choose to put these things together. One recent afternoon, having run out of cheap, sadistic british tabloid shows to watch, I decided to take in a UFO documentary for old time’s sake. While I’m still able to repeat names like Betty and Barney Hill sometimes, I had never heard the name of this “experiencer”, supposedly at the center of the most thoroughly documented case of alien abduction in history. This was perhaps for the best, as what I was to see would shock me very deeply, although not at all in the way that the filmmakers intended.

The story goes as follows: In September 2001, shortly after the attack on the World Trade Center, schlubby nobody Stan Romanek videotaped an unknown flying object for the first of what would seem to be countless times. His visual encounters quickly escalated to lost time, mysterious injuries, and anomalies in his home security recordings. Unsatisfied with these casual intrusions, bobble-headed “grays” then began sneaking around his home, and finally, Stan became a frequent visitor of outer space--the wonderment of which was often tarnished by the appearance of the malevolent men in black.

At the time of this viewing, I had no vulnerability to becoming a believer, but I was ready to feel at least a frisson of ambiguity in Romanek’s reportedly thorough documentation. What I found instead was much more disturbing. After an interminable string of X-Filesy lowercase title cards that leave no doubt as to the filmmakers’ commitment to Stan’s cause, we finally see a series of short videos of these UFOs--distant, blurry, jittery images that almost always include the voices of off-screen “witnesses” whose dubious existence is supposed to amount to some form of corroboration. I thought, ok, maybe there’s something more debatable, like...later on. The next piece of alleged evidence is a series of space travel-related equations that Romanek wrote during hypnotic regression therapy (a red flag if ever there was one), all of which turn out to be known quantities that could certainly be researched and memorized by a UFO buff with some time on his hands. Finally, Romanek himself--a scruffy middle-aged white male--fully takes the stage in an endless set of repellant photographs of himself leering smugly thought a bloody nose or some such, proudly displaying greenish cigarette burn-like sores that supposedly appear on his person after something very like a flashlight beam or laser pointer makes its appearance in and around his home. His self-satisfied countenance added indignation to my rational assessment that none of what I had seen so far would be impossible to reproduce for even a clumsy amateur. Then, I saw it. The now infamous “boo” video. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc_gCqkyz9M

I absolutely could not believe that what I had seen was being presented to me as photographic evidence of alien life. Admittedly, Romanek has a fine sense of cinematic timing--the piece truly feels like it’s leading up to a jump scare--but little egghead swiveling and dipping in and out of frame, like something out of Scooby-Doo, is qualifiedly hilarious. Equally hilarious is the idea that these advanced alien beings don’t have a more refined method of surveilling humans, and even more hilarious is Romanek theatrically running up to the window at the end of the video, seemingly holding the flash used to create the “mysterious” flashes of light that accompanied the visitation. More hilarious still is the following grainy video of a similar creature peering at Romanek in his kitchen, as he cries out “What is that? What’s it doing?” in spite of the fact that he has allegedly been visited by what he claims are aliens for quite a while now.

Romance’s put-on ignorance is high among the most disturbing things about him. He employees a conversational technique well-known to liars and people who have had to deal with them: Instead of saying something like “I know it sounds crazy, but I have been abducted by aliens. There is no other explanation. Here I’m missing time and waking up in strange places because of what they did to me, here I’m mysteriously ill or healed by their intervention, here I’m clearly being stalked and harassed by the government because of what I know”--instead of this kind of sure-footed declaration, Romanek invariably pretends not to understand what has happened to him, even though he’s made a career out of his abductee status. He tells each tale as if it were his first and only encounter with the paranormal, and couches them in deliberately unsound alternative explanations for what may have happened. In my favorite edition, he describes a scene in which three half-human aliens knock on his door in the middle of the night in order to tell him that “it’s going to be ok” or something. Instead of simply getting to the point that he so desperately wants his audience to take, Stan exhaustively describes the knock at the door. He’s a heavy sleeper! He never wakes up for a loud noise, and yet, mysteriously, he did! He thought it must have been a drunk neighbor banging on the door, because he is a rational man (and I guess that must be a common occurrence?)! He went to the door and saw three people, and automatically assumed he was being burglarized! He yelled over and over to his family that he was being robbed! Because that would be normal! On and on he goes with defensive statements his many alien-free explanations for the knock, even though a guiltless person of sound mind might have simply said, “Someone knocked at the door at an odd hour, so I woke up and went to see what it was.” Curiously, even though we are rapidly careening toward the part of the story in which the adoring aliens reveal their worshipful plan for Stan, this anecdote ends with Stan aggressively trying to hurl one of the aliens off his balcony.

Because this whole conceit is so clearly designed to scaffold Romanek’s brittle ego, it’s not enough to say that he is the special focus of extraterrestrial fascination. There must also be evidence of Stan’s extreme machismo. Not only does he bravely insist on telling his tale in spite of sinister government warnings, but he single-handedly takes on three “obvious black ops guys” in a fantasy sequence that would make a fibbing child blush. The MIBs “somehow find out exactly where (he) parked (his) bicycle!”, and leap out of a van in an elaborate kung fu demonstration. Flabby Stan allegedly laughs this off, to their consternation, and proceeds to nearly murder one of them with his bike lock. They flea from his might after resorting to tasing him, and the filmmakers seem to produce a police report, but not the witness who supposedly filed it.

There are a variety of witnesses in the movie, typically identified as “woman 1″ or “woman 2″, or presented only audio recordings only of supposed doctors who supposedly verified Romance’s various medical miracles. Most of Stan’s supporters do seem to be women, though, which has an unpleasantly culty sort of vibe to it. Crazed narcissists like Stan can make themselves enormously compelling to certain sorts of people who want to feel special by proxy, or worse, who feel an obligation to comfort a person burdened with such specialness. No one in the film is sadder than Stan’s watery-eyed wife Lisa, who must not only defend his authenticity at all costs, but who has also lived through the incomprehensible horror of watching Stan “reunite” with a woman with whom he has supposedly copulated in outer space. This Other Woman, predictably a taller more buxom specimen with nicer hair, must have been subtly hypnotized by Romanek at the UFO event where he identified her. This is much easier to do than you could ever imagine, to someone who is as anxious to Believe is the people you would find in such a place. After tormenting Lisa for six years with his fantasies about how the aliens bred him with a beautiful woman on their saucer, all Stan probably had to do with was spot out a sexy specimen at one of his speaking dates, and say something along the lines of “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You know, IN SPACE?” People in this sort of hungry, lonely mental state can lose the boundary between their memory and their imagination at a speed that the blissfully ignorant could never dream of.

And so it was that the emotionally battered Lisa entered into an ambiguous threesome with her husband and his invented alien breeding partner. Perhaps the most troubling part of the movie comes when the anxious filmmaker more than goads Lisa into describing herself as a person who is not only honest to a fault, but who loathes deception above all other things. No statement could be more damning from a person who is defending such an outrageous fabrication. Lisa has to halt her genuine weeping over her domestic predicament to recite this script about her honesty, stammering and looking up and away before each conclusion. Ironically, this tic is something I first learned about in SEX, LIES & VIDEOTAPE--liars compulsively look up and at an angle while lying.

Now it’s time to qualify my assertion that this was “perhaps” the most troubling part of the movie. More awful still is the introduction of Stan’s various space children, first in the form of an obviously faked photograph that has to be seen to be believed. According to the subject, an ethereally beautiful little girl with enormous crystal blue eyes and white-blonde hair (yet who still “looks exactly like” the dull brunette Romanek) appeared multiple times scampering around in his backyard--but, naturally, vanishing before any contact is made. These appearances are followed by electronically distorted phone calls in which Stan’s elfin progeny tell him how much they love them. This part of the story is somehow padded out by a phone call from an adult female caller who addresses Romanek as STARSEED, warns him about government baddies, and most preposterously, insists to the filmmakers that Stan is different from other people...the way he thinks...the way he views the world...(because of) who he really is. Personally, I felt affronted by the idea that an intergalactic messiah who is so “different” would also wear corny pickup line tee shirts and use the word “frickin’”, but I guess that’s why I’m not the one who is productively boning out amongst the stars. 

Stan’s stories about his alien family are also disturbing for another reason, which is revealed just before the ending credits. It isn’t just that his emotion is so frankly fake, at least in a scene where he seems to claim that he weeps every time he remembers his distant babies--and is then unable to tear up on camera; It isn’t just the obvious confusion of reverence and victimization, so typical of psychopaths, that rears its head between his stories of being covered in sores and pissing blood and ALSO being coddled and adored by aliens; It isn’t even just the creepy repetition of how the little nymphettes rush up and hug his thighs and lavish affection on him. At least, not by itself. It’s that in February of 2014, Stan Romanek was charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. I discovered this earlier in my screening, when the “Boo video” made me wonder what kind of movie I was watching. Was this actually meant to be a straight comedy, and Netflix had simply miscategorized it? Was there going to be some big reveal of a hoax, after all this drippy sincerity about Stan’s predicament? I couldn’t wait to find out, and what I found out helped to contextualize a lot of the rest of the film. The filmmakers, of course, contextualize these charges with a list of headlines from sources like Info Wars about how the FBI routinely frames dissidents for child porn just to bury them. The thing is, I can believe that that sort of thing may happen to people now and again. I just don’t believe that it happened to Stan Romanek.

I mentioned the proximity of Stan’s first alien encounter to 9/11 for a reason: I believe, in my arm chair psychologist fashion, that that national catastrophe catalyzed his powerful need for attention. Suddenly, something had happened that gripped the whole country, something that came from the sky. This may have activated Romanek’s evident need to be the absolute center of focus, which required of him an unthinkable stunt to jar the people around him out of their patriotic grief and rage, which had nothing to do with himself. Something from the air would have to descend upon Stan, something much wilder than a hijacked airplane. Stan would have to become simultaneously a victim to rival the actual victims, and a hero to rival the actual heroes responding to this assault on the country. In a curiously isolated sequence, Romanek gives a very brief summary of his childhood, which is predictably unenviable. As an undiagnosed dyslexic, Stan was unfairly placed in “retard classes” and, he petulantly describes, abused by his sadistic teachers as if he were as lowly as his classmates. He claims also to have been surrounded by Bloods and Crips, and in that environment became so violent and strong that he beat up everybody including the principle of his high school. That’s about as much as you get out of Romanek that is not about aliens, but even that scrap gives you a pretty clear portrait of a person who fixates on having been misjudged as inferior, stupid and thuggish. I supposed to get out from under that, without much talent or charm in evidence, one would have to cook up evidence of glory at least as outrageous as being an alpha space stud. I think what I’d really like to see is a counter documentary made by someone, anyone, with the wherewithal to pick apart Stan Romance’s epic ruse. Unfortunately, I’ll just have to settle for the child pornography case, which goes to court at the end of this month.

[6441security]

Lecture Week 8

“The Fog of War” movie - documentary of Robert Egert on WWII?

The China Syndrome - WATCH IT - Nuclear powerplant accident

Fallback attack

Crappy version of a protocols vs new protocols

“Sorry I only use crappy version” Forced to use a less secure version. If there’s a man in the middle, can force a fallback attack to happen regardless of parties.

Root cause analysis

Done quite often in health settings, trying to work out what went wrong for future.

Often blamed on human error, people like having someone to blame, more tangible a villain.

Easy targets

Last person takes the foot of the blame - sack the last person

Culture - everyone responsible, no one exactly sacked, but education training, consultants, etc.

Human weakness

Honesty - “commander in cheat” book, written by sports advisor? How trump frequently cheats in golf.

Study on princeton and stanford students, honour code, observable effect on honesty when signature bar on top of page than bottom.

Attention and focus, how do we focus our attention, lots of heuristics and biases in the way we process information

Misdirection, used by social engineers and magicians

Flashlight analogy, attention is focused on a small subset of things

Logically important vs psychologically salient event

Similarity matching, drawing patterns between different events

Frequency gambling, gambling what has worked in the past will work in the future

Habits vs conscious attention

Confirmation bias

Cognitive strain

Group-think, when what you value is group membership and harmony in the group, no one wants to say contrary to the prevalent thinking

Accident vs Adversary

Imagine your computer is out to get you, when programming for security, you must assume everything can potentially turn against you. Normal developer, you just have to make things robust enough.

Building a self supporting structure with spaghetti tubes and putting marshmallow at top. People typically just build it as high as possible and then put marshmallow at top, but collapses. Tunnel vision. Need to plan out supporting structures with good foundation base.

Must engage in sound safe strategy, with minimal risk

“Good enough” - instinctive reaction is to get it okay enough, but security people need to go further, don’t wait for things to go wrong, plan for worst case scenarios

Systems and Error

So people wise, we know culture and human error can be addressed

3 mile island, what caused the accident? Whole system interoperability, not any one single issue by itself. Sure, human error, faulty parts, culture, all played some part, but not any can be solely blamed.

Don’t go around punishing people, go around see how things can be improved. The point of culture is to do a good job, learn from mistakes.

Many ways to do something, which is the best way?

Theory of design patterns, want programs to be loosely coupled (i.e. roughly independent components)

Chekov’s gun - if something is notable, it will be used.

Case studies: the real trick is to find what is actually relevant among the irrelevant stuff

Richard wants to teach not with a Chekov’s gun approach (clear 5 answers), but look at complex situation and filter down the important and not important bits. Can never be 100% confident.

Problem with simplifying things, reducing the number of contingencies which does not reflect the real world. Planning for fewer contingencies than what actually occurs

Illusion of control

Hindsight bias, knowledge of outcome of previous events increases perceived likelihood of that outcome

Complexity coherence coupling visibility

Anything that has immediate feedback, easy to detect, i.e. tunr wheel, car steers

Latent errors, errors that happen now but consequences appear much later, we get a lot of this in the real world

Defense in depth

If any one component fails, then they fail invisibly while system seemingly works fine.

Disasters waiting to happen

Automatic safety systems

Operator can get deskilled by virtue of having automation, and humans as last line resource

Dilemma - for example keeping pilots trained and always on alert, even though they barely touch the controls relying on automated systems

Just culture:

Learn about either

Chernobyl

Bhpal

Challenger

[deutscheshausnyu]

Interview with current Filmmaker-In-Residence, Wolfgang Fischer

Wolfgang Fischer was born in Austria. He studied psychology and painting at the University of Vienna and film and video at the Düsseldorf Art Academy with Nan Hoover. In 2005, he received a scholarship to visit the “Drehbuchwerkstatt” in Munich, where he developed the screenplay for his debut film “Was Du nicht siehst.” Since 1999, he has been a director at Westdeutscher Rundfunk. He is one of the two recipients of the 2018 Erste Bank's ExtraVALUE Film Award, which he received for his film "Styx" at the 2018 Viennale.

On the occasion of his residency at Deutsches Haus at NYU, Deutsches Haus co-presents together with Anthology Film Archives and Erste Bank a screening of "Styx" (2018), on July 25, 2019, at 7:30pm, and a Q&A following the screening with the filmmaker and the co-screenwriter Ika Künzel.

© Marc Comes

“Styx,” revolves around Rike, a 40-year-old emergency doctor from Europe, who fulfills a life-long dream to sail on her own to Ascension Island in the Atlantic Ocean. However, this dream trip takes a turn for the worse, when, after a storm, she is confronted with an overcrowded refugee ship in distress. How did you come up with this story and how did you develop the characters?

9 years ago, we read an article in the Süddeutsche Zeitung where a German skipper was thrown in the same situation as our main character, Rike. He found himself on high seas next to a refugee boat, and he was alone.

"Styx” is based on the real experiences of sailors in similar situations - we talked to them, as well as to NGOs, survivors (of journeys to Europe by boat), members of the coast guard, psychiatrists who treat traumatized people after their horrible journeys, and to government officials. Over almost seven years, we researched the strategies of the European Union’s border protection on the Atlantic Coast of West Africa, the Mediterranean and the Adriatic Sea.

"Styx” depicts a western perspective. It is clearly a film about ourselves - the members of the small white, western, self proclaimed “first“ world - and our role in a worldwide human tragedy. 

Rike, the protagonist of "Styx”, is our one-to-one representative of this privileged, shielded community. She demonstrates the code of practice of her world as it is executed day by day right now. She is capable and privileged among many things; she knows the systems and codes, and it is crucial to make her the witness of this horror. 

She is no heroine and no savior.

Award-winning actress Susanne Wolff, herself a blue-water sailor with an International Certificate of Competence, encapsulates the main character’s central qualities.

Her counterpart is Kingsley, a boy who is forced much too early to leave his childhood behind, and has to flee his home and challenge his luck on a dangerous journey into the unknown, like so many kids do.

Leading man, Gedion Odour Wekesa, is a schoolboy from Kibera/Nairobi. He takes acting classes as part of the ONE FINE DAY organization’s funding program, and beat 40 other boys to win the role.

What brought about the idea to tackle such difficult subject matter as migration and the European refugee crisis in a feature film? What was the process of writing the script, and was it difficult to obtain funding for this project?

Migration is a main challenge of our time.

There are more people fleeing today than there were in the 20th century as a consequence of the 2nd World War. The reasons are various and complex. It is not up to us to judge them. Sadly the current dialogue is poisoned by hysteria, xenophobia, and exploitation.

We wanted to create a communication tool to unlock empathy and solidarity. Film has the ability to do that.  Therefore, we chose to make this movie.

The writing process was intense because history was always one step ahead. So many things happened during the development: the Arab Spring; the fall of Gaddafi; the wars in Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan; ISIS becoming a global threat. Through it all, famine, plague, and violence continued to force people to leave their homes and seek shelter.

It’s a tough theme and it took us a long time to convince people to invest.

In this film you worked with refugees who had themselves made the dangerous journey across the Mediterranean. How did you go about casting them and what was your experience working together?

It goes without saying, that in order to do justice to the people who experienced the tragedy, it is vital to include them in the creative process.

In Malta, we sought out people who succeeded in the dangerous crossing.

We got in contact and interviewed them.  We were astounded when they said they would like to play a part in order to tell their own stories.

It was our attempt to use a semi-documentary style.

Every character in "Styx” embodies her/his/their actual profession: The firefighters in the beginning of the movie for example are real firefighters. The soldiers on the coastguard ship are real soldiers. We wanted to tell "Styx” in an authentic way, since this is the reality of these people.

Your film not only deals with the current issue of the refugee crisis, but also with general philosophical questions (as you once put it in an interview) such as “who are we?,” “who do we want to be?,” and “who do we have to be?” How do you (attempt to) answer these questions in your own life and in your work?

Kant’s categorical imperative  is a guideline for the basics of  living together that “you” and “me” can become “us”. Ideally this “us” does not stop at color, race, provenance, status, religion, or sex.

About 90% of the film was shot on open water. What did this mean for you and your crew and how did you prepare for and realize this difficult feat?

We could not rely on any experiences of other directors. Nobody has shot an entire feature film on open water before. For that reason, we had to become pro’s on all levels: professional skippers defining the methods of how to shoot while sailing. The  project was a real challenge for the whole crew in many aspects, psychologically and physically . Sitting 40 days on a 40 foot yacht with the core crew (10 persons maximum), there is no corner for privacy. You have no other option but to get to know each other very well.

Since its release, “Styx” has received many accolades at some of the world’s leading film festivals. Were you surprised by this overwhelmingly positive response? Has this impacted your career trajectory and perhaps also how you will approach your next project?

We were very impressed that so many people could connect with “Styx” and share their empathy! There was a big demand for discussions after the screenings. The Q&A’s often lasted up to two hours. It was not surprising. Actually, it was just additional proof that there is a need for political movies.

This was a very encouraging experience to stick to the themes of our times.

Now that you are the filmmaker-in-residence at Deutsches Haus at NYU, how do you plan on spending your time here in New York? Are there any particular things you plan to do or places you would like to see? Will you be working on a new project while you are here?

Living here is an incredible, intense experience. This feeds us.

Let’s see where it leads us.

[easyfoodnetwork]

Photo credit should read MARTIN BUREAU/AFP via Getty Images Many stores are banning reusable food containers and canvas shopping bags, which means plastic bags and straws are everywhere again  This story was originally published on Civil Eats. Instead of taking CSA members’ cloth bags and returning them filled with fresh vegetables, farmers Jesse Frost and Hannah Crabtree delivered mid-April shares in plastic bags. And for the weekly farmers’ market in Lexington, Kentucky, they used smaller plastic bags to individually package their greens, which would normally be loose in bins for shoppers to reach into. Single-use plastic doesn’t align with Rough Draft Farmstead’s commitment to environmentalism. But as they hustle to reinvent their business plan for 2020 while continuing to produce and sell food during a pandemic, they’ve had to adjust the hierarchy that determines their priorities, Frost said. “Everything’s kind of been scrambled,” he said. “The first thing we have to do is figure out what our marketing approach is. Then, figure out what the distribution looks like. Then, we have to figure out how to keep all of those things sanitary.” As farmers, farmers’ markets, grocery stores, and restaurants have all raced to confront a quickly reordered reality, the qualities that contributed to single-use plastic becoming such a ubiquitous problem over decades — it is incredibly cheap and convenient — are contributing to a resurgence in use. And it’s happening at a time when the recycling of plastic has been severely curtailed. “I’m probably using more plastic from one grocery trip than I normally would in months,” said Abby K. Cannon, a Long Island-based nutritionist who also coaches clients on low-waste living. While there is no evidence that the coronavirus is transmitted on food or that wrapping food in plastic is safer, all of the activities that surround the use of reusables — reaching, swapping, and sharing — are off limits. And throwing something away that came from outside the home and was touched by unknown hands simply feels safer. In recent weeks, the plastics industry has spread mis-information about the dangers of reusable bags. Some grocery stores and counties have banned cloth bags, and more people are shopping for groceries online, which generally results in more plastic packaging. Farmers’ market tables are now stocked with vegetables pre-packed into plastic bags, and CSA pick-ups that were once self-serve now involve plastic bags inside larger plastic bags or boxes. In addition, coffee shops that used to give discounts for bringing cups from home have stopped allowing them. In the midst of this, the plastics industry has stepped in to spread misinformation about the dangers of reusable bags and has successfully reversed plastic bag bans in some states and cities. And news came out this morning that plastics industry trade association is now asking for a $1 billion bailout from the U.S. government. It’s clear that at the moment, concerns about the waste generated from single-use packaging, and especially plastic, in the food system will have to take a backseat to the immediate health, safety, and economic concerns that have arisen during the pandemic. But activism to fight plastic waste during the pandemic persists: On April 22, a new documentary on the costs of plastic pollution premiered. And some say the temporary shift will be gradually worked out as we learn more about COVID-19 and the shape of the new economy — and that it could even lead to Americans asking deeper questions about sustainable habits. Grocery store plastic and the campaign against reusables Around the country, restrictions on reusable bags at grocery stores began to pick up steam as the coronavirus pandemic worsened. The governor of New Hampshire banned reusable bags in the state in late March; San Francisco banned reusable bags in stores citywide at the beginning of April, and the state of California lifted a fee on plastic bags for two months at the end of April; and Maine delayed the implementation of a plastic bag ban that was set to go into effect in late April. Meanwhile, supermarket chains have implemented their own policies: Trader Joe’s, for example, is not allowing reusable bags at any of its locations. While many of these policies sprung out of an abundance of caution, Mother Jones recently documented how the plastics industry and affiliated think tanks are attempting to use the momentum to reverse plastic bag bans around the country. To do so, they are spreading false information about the dangers of coronavirus on reusables and asking the federal government to back that misinformation. “We are asking that the Department of Health and Human Services… make a public statement on the health and safety benefits seen in single-use plastics,” Tony Radoszewski, the president and CEO of the Plastics Industry Association, recently wrote in a letter to the Secretary of Health and Human Services. The federal government has not obliged, but the coordinated PR campaign has resulted in misleading news coverage, influenced public opinion, and led to local bans on reusable bags. The strategy is nothing new: In the past, industry groups have funded studies that found bacteria on reusable bags. While scientists said the research merely pointed to the importance of washing bags, the industry has wielded it to fight plastic bag bans. In a new report, Greenpeace documents how exploiting concerns about COVID-19 is a continuation of a long-running misinformation campaign to overturn plastic bag bans. However, expert after expert has detailed how there is no evidence that COVID-19 lives longer on cloth or cotton compared to plastic. (There have been no studies specifically on the coronavirus and reusable bags.) One study found the virus can live on plastic for a few days, versus 24 hours on cardboard. Overall, experts emphasize that the risk of contracting coronavirus from touching any bag is very low, and that most transmission occurs from breathing in particles when in close proximity to other people. Still, at a time when more deaths of grocery workers are being reported, it makes sense to take every precaution to minimize contact with shoppers. Some stores, like Target and Mom’s Organic Markets, are doing this not by banning reusable bags, but by requiring that shoppers bag their own groceries. At Whole Foods, Long Island nutritionist Cannon normally does most of her shopping by filling her own containers in the bulk section. But the first time she hit the supermarket after the shelter-in-place order had been issued in New York, she couldn’t bring herself to handle the shared scoops. “It made me afraid,” she said. “Right now, I’d much prefer to get something prepackaged. I don’t trust other people washing their hands, or even myself and my bags.” Plastic is also having a moment thanks to an increase in grocery delivery. A recent Pew Research Center survey found that one in five adults in the U.S. say they’ve used a “food delivery service” instead of going to a grocery store or restaurant, due to COVID-19. On a recent afternoon, a delivery person, wearing plastic gloves and a disposable mask, carried about 15 plastic grocery bags from her van to a Baltimore, Maryland rowhouse and crammed them into the vestibule. Even companies like Whole Foods that deliver orders in paper bags often package individual food items inside those bags — like a bunch of bananas — in plastic. Grocery delivery relied on plastic before the pandemic, but shoppers who would have grabbed an unwrapped bunch of bananas and used reusable bags before are now relying on it. However, there are exceptions to the new tendency toward plastic. Brooklyn-based the Wally Shop, for example, applies bulk bin principles to online grocery, sending staple foods in reusable jars that shoppers send back to be cleaned and put back into circulation. In early April, the company opened up nationwide shipping for the first time and has been struggling to keep up with demand. In other words, many consumers are still okay with reusable packaging, it turns out, if social distancing is maintained. Plastic in local food distribution At the National Young Farmers Coalition, business services director Cara Fraver helps farmers understand and implement food safety practices, through services like the recent publication “A Small Farmer’s Practical Guide to Food Safety.” Fraver said that while even the small farms that didn’t fall under specific food-safety rules mandated by Food Safety Modernization Act (FSMA) or Good Agricultural Practices (GAP) were often paying attention to safety before, coronavirus upped the ante. “This is certainly a galvanizing moment of starting to take your food safety practices incredibly seriously [as a farmer], in the same way that we’re all suddenly doing so much better with not touching our faces and washing our hands,” Fraver said. Some of those farm practices that are being adopted involve single-use plastic, like lining produce boxes with a new liner each time they’re reused (a practice that was already required for some farms) and using lots of throwaway gloves. “That is a little antithetical to a lot of the reasons we see people excited about farming from an ecological standpoint,” she said. At farmers’ markets, “everything is more likely to be pre-bagged,” she said, and market-style CSA pick-ups that are especially popular on the East Coast are increasingly shifting to handing out pre-bagged or boxed shares. Some of these changes, Fraver noted, are being made to ease eaters’ concerns at a time when everyone is scared and reliable information on the virus is not always easy to find. “It’s not just what is safe, it’s also what is perceived as safe,” she said. A good example is that while strict hand washing protocols can be more effective than wearing gloves (especially if gloves are not being utilized properly), farmers wearing gloves at markets send a visual signal to shoppers about preventative measures. Fraver also noted that a lot of the increase in packaging is not about food or containers being contaminated with the virus, it’s about getting people out of markets and CSA pick-ups faster, since transmission is more likely to occur when individuals congregate. Finding creative solutions to plastic bags Farmer Michael Protas of One Acre Farm in Dickerson, Maryland, was worried about that issue at his four CSA pick-up sites, which in past years have been executed market-style, with members bringing their own produce bags and totes to walk down a line while grabbing their food. “On Capitol Hill, we had 40 families that would come into a smallish garage … and that’s not gonna fly at the moment,” he said. Protas had always provided compostable BioBags for members who forgot their reusables, but switching to a pre-packaged system meant a major increase in the number of bags he’d need. “We’re gonna be flying through these things,” he said. He knew that would be cost prohibitive and that other small farms in the region were likely facing the same dilemma. Instead of switching to much cheaper plastic bags, he proposed organizing a bulk purchase with other farmers in the Mid-Atlantic. Local nonprofit Future Harvest helped organize the endeavor, and 13 farms signed on; Protas placed an order for 27 cases of produce bags and 13 cases of T-shirt bags for the farms to use throughout the coming season. More markets and farmers will figure out creative solutions as they gain confidence about safety and are able to calibrate to new systems. “Things are changing so dramatically and fast,” Frost said. At Rough Draft Farmstead, he sees space in the future to place bulk orders for boxes or paper bags or to reconsider reusable cloth bags. “We hope as the season goes on and we learn more about how the virus is transmitted, we can make decisions that keep us safe and the customers safe,” he said. It’s the kind of push-and-pull decision making that nutritionist Cannon said is necessary right now. While she’s alarmed (but not surprised) by industry efforts to reverse bag bans, for most individuals producing, shopping for, and eating food, cutting back on single-use packaging waste just might not be possible for a while. That doesn’t mean Americans are putting their concerns about the environment aside. In fact, Kearney, a consulting firm, released the results of a new consumer survey on Earth Day. Nearly half of the respondents said the pandemic had made them more concerned about the environment. Fifty-nine percent said they are likely to use reusable shopping bags in the future; the biggest plans for future behavioral shifts that respondents reported were to decline plastic utensils and buy food in bulk. For now, Cannon is focusing on other aspects of sustainable living. “I was crazy about food waste before, but it’s next-level now. If something is going to go bad, it goes in the freezer, or I’m repurposing it and we’re eating it. We’re shopping less. We’re working from home and not getting food on the go; we’re not driving,” she said. “I will be able to go back to bulk buying [at some point], I’m confident in that. But I think what this has made me realize is the conversation is about so much more than plastic and how I shop for food.” While learning to bake her own bread, signing up for a CSA to support local agriculture, and changing her three-month-old’s cloth diapers, Cannon is thinking about self-sufficiency. “I hope that at the end of this, people are more mindful and are more open to having conversations about what it means to be sustainable,” she said. “Right now, everything is very stressful, and things are going to come in plastic.” • How the Pandemic Is Creating a Plastic Boom [Civil Eats] from Eater - All https://ift.tt/3eZg1BX

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