#WHY TF AM I AUTISTIC
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Chat I let y'all down
I gave up 😭😭😭
(talking about talking to my crush btw)
#ITS JUST.#im pissed#not at him#at me#cuz its like#everyone talks to him so easily#WHEN IS IT MY TURN#WHY AM I SO SOCIALLY AWKWARD#WHY TF AM I AUTISTIC#yeah so#i wanna die BUT HES SO PRETTY ISTG 😭😭😭😭
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Nah fuck this shit,
cuz I heard a loud sudden noice 2 HOURS AGO
AND IM STILL STRESSED ABOUT IT AND MY HEART IS BEATING AND I JUST WANT IT TO STOP
#I hate this shit#it’s been hours#why tf am I like this#like Jesus it’s not that big of a deal#SO WHY ARENT I CALM#i don’t get it#kinda hate it#it has it’s ups and downs#but right now it can fuck off#autism problems#actually autistic#autism awareness#autism#autistic feels#being autistic#autistic spectrum#autistic problems#autistic life#late diagnosed autistic#autistic community#autistic things#autism spectrum
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✦ OC Questionnaire Tag 3 ✦
Thanks for the tag, @illarian-rambling!
Characters from Sun and Shadow: Freya, Crow, and Valyarus Characters from the Arcane Rifts: Gene, Tazin, and Mislav Featuring tAR's children at ages 15, 17, and 17! (Aka mid book 2.)
Questions: - Do you have a tell when you're lying? - What other media genre would you do the worst in? - Are you confident in yourself? from @the-letterbox-archives
Do you have a tell when you're lying?
Freya: Um... not that I know of? I'm not really in the habit of lying? (*remembers that she does, in fact, lie a lot... but mostly through omission of the truth!*) Haha... yeah! ... ugh, okay, um. If I had to guess... (*shifts uncomfortably in place*) it would probably be that I struggle in what to say? Though I kinda do that anyway? Ugh, I don't really know. (A/N: the easiest sign to tell that she's "lying" is that she avoids the subject completely. She'll change the subject or "get distracted". She also fidgets more, but that's something she does a lot anyways because she's awkward.)
Crow: Of course not! I don't lie anyway, so how would I find out? 😉🥰 (psst... Crow...) What? (You're supposed to basically be under truth serum for these Questionnaire posts...) Okay. And? 😘 (So you're telling me that you, a detective, have never told a lie once?) ... (See the issue there?) Nope! 😄 (A/N: WHELP! Uncooperative Crow understandably won't tell you, so I will. They're a very good liar, so it's hard to tell when they do. The best indicator is that they'll stumble slightly in their speech when almost saying something "they shouldn't" or they'll hesitate while trying to come up with a lie. The falters are always subtle though.)
Valyarus: (*snorts*) I would think not. Besides, I'm not in the habit of lying. There's too much magic that can force you into Truth-telling to be able to rely on it--no, best is operating in half-truths and implication. The best method of deception is allowing the one you wish to deceive to come up with the answers for themself. For example... (*slowly smirks, quirking an eyebrow*) I never said I don't lie just now... did I? (A/N: ahhh, our beloved douchebag faerie living up to his species's reputation. In other words: he's a fantastic "liar".)
Gene: I... don't know. I'd... like to think not. Maybe... maybe that I... (*takes a slow, deep breath, collecting himself*) ... I probably act more confident when I lie. I... I'm not confident. And probably don't... stutter as much. Or hesitate... So, speaking patterns? They--they change, I mean. My speaking patterns. When I lie.
Tazin: (*snarls*) I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you got me? I--I-- (*struggling to lie because of the whole "these questions are answered under basically-truth serum" thing*) FINE! I don't fucking lie because I can't, okay? I avoid the subject! Or I just--I don't know, I just fucking lie??? How am I supposed to fucking know if I have a "tell"??? Don't you think I'd fucking fix it if I knew??? (A/N: he gets avoidant of the subject and/or highly aggressive to dissuade the asker from continuing at the moment... or generally asking again.)
Mislav: Um... this is a weird question?... I guess I don't really--(*remembers he lies literally all the time*)--lie... (*lets out a slow, pained sigh, running his hands back through his hair in frustration*) I don't know? I just--try my best to bullshit it? Try to make people feel better, or avoid giving them the information they want? I don't know??? (A/N: best indication is that he answers too quickly. He usually practices/rehearses his lies before it comes time to actually tell them. Otherwise (if he didn't expect to have to lie/doesn't have one prepared), he freezes up, stutters, and smiles/jokes too much as he tries "appeasing" or distracting the questioner.)
What other media genre would you do the worst in?
(we're going to be implanting Forbidden Knowledge of our Real World genres and whatnot for them to be able to best answer this!)
Freya: The horror genre. (*shudders*) I cannot deal with scary stuff, okay? I think I would be the first to die. I'd scream, or cry, and break down--probably try hitting the monster or whatever over the head with a chair when it turns the corner and, well... that never goes well in those sorts of things, does it?
Crow: Fairy tales. I'd either be the "lesson"--"don't do this or look what happens to you! You'll become Crow!"--or I'd be whatever the horrifying monster or villain is. I mean... (*laughs awkwardly, looking away and rubbing their shoulder feathers*) when you're me... you get used to knowing you're what's wrong with the world. (*beat. They realize what they've just said--*) I mean, romance. I'd probably annoy my love interest to death. 😎
Valyarus: (*fake gags, then with disgust:*) Romance. My only "biological" child was through magic, and I would not step foot near anyone with that sort of intention. I don't understand how others do. Much less why my daughter is so interested in Freya. They just met! (note: he's aroace and is equally disgusted with romance and sex. Also, yes, I know that's not how all aroace people are. I have plenty of other characters everywhere else in the spectrum. This is just where Valyarus is.)
Gene: Um... probably romance. I...'m not interested in it... not really. Be-besides with Mislav, I mean... and I... I don't even know why he likes me? 😅😓 ... people think I'm creepy. They don't say it--not to my face--but I know they think it. And I... I struggle to talk with people a lot. I try to say one thing, but they think I mean another?... I don't understand why. It's hard. And I--... I don't think I'd do well in that kind of story.
Tazin: The kinda thing where I'd have to teach. I don't have that kind of fucking patience, are you fucking kidding me? I think I'd explode on them. Maybe even literally. (*He pauses, considering it... and grins darkly*) Actually, wait--I take it back. I want to try. (I want to tag in and say traditional horror/thriller. I think the degree to which he'd freak out or curse out the monster would be comical and/or break the immersion, haha.)
Mislav: I would not be able to participate in a talk show or be in the news. A talk show? (*scoff*) Regardless of the subject, it wouldn't take long for me to be driven mad by their endless talking and pretending they know everything. The news? Even worse. I think I'd snap their mic in half. And only because I'd be struggling not to snap other things. <.< (read: necks, limbs, etc.)
Are you confident in yourself?
Freya: Ha... no, not really. I act like I am, but... y'know, it's just that--an act.
Crow: What's not to be confident about? I'm the greatest, I've never made a mistake in my life, and every decision I make is the best one I possibly can! 😘
Valyarus: (*poised on a grand chair; sipping tea elegantly with one hand while the other hangs over the side of the armrest. A nail file magically hangs in the air and is filing his nails while he sips tea*) Hm? What did you say? Oh. (*chuckles*) Of course I'm confident in myself. My abilities, my character, my decisions--everything. 😉💅
Gene: Depends what you mean by "myself"... (*goes quiet, looks away, and debates*) ... I... I try my best to make the right decisions. The best ones... that I possibly can. I--as hard as it is to not question them, it's--it's not good to worry about past decisions. I do my best, and that's--that's all I can do. So... (*takes a deep breath, collecting his thoughts*) I'm not confident, but I try to be.
Tazin: (*snarls*) Of course I'm confident. I've gotten this far, haven't I? (*and slowly starting to smirk instead--*) I mean, look at me. (*leans back and gestures at himself with both hands*) I used to live on the streets with Gene. Now I have a girlfriend. People used to be terrified at my name--and they still would be if I didn't have to stop with the whole "Svarog" thing. (*oops, snarls again and leans in close; threateningly*) Look, I don't care what anyone else says, but Gene wasn't the only reason we were successful! He wouldn't have gotten anywhere without my strength, got it!?!? (Is actually less confident than he thinks he is--overcompensates for that by having convinced himself that he's the greatest. Hm... wonder if that fits the diagnosis criteria for anything?)
Mislav: Ha... not at all. (*swallows and looks down at his hands, fighting back tears*) I... one of these days, this curse is going to take over me. Will I even know when it does? Or will it be slow enough that I never even recognize that I've changed? I... (*looks back up at asker*) I worry, one of these days, I'll only know it when I've done something I can't come back from...
Your questions: - Same as the ones I answered!
Tagging (with no pressure) @yourpenpaldee @honeybewrites @fantasy-things-and-such @wyked-ao3 @the-golden-comet
@paeliae-occasionally @ath3alin @mysticstarlightduck @the-letterbox-archives + open tags!
Divider from @cafekitsune
#Plot twist: Valyarus is the secret villain of SaS and his ENTIRE motivation is just to get Freya away from his daughter. 🤣🤣🤣#Soren/Daleira brought up the idea of the engagement to him while he wasn't paying attention#so he was just all like “oh yeah sure hun. Whatever would make you happy dear” to Daleira. 🤣#He comes to find out he agreed to an engagement#freaks out and INSTANTLY goes into “how tf do I fix this” mode.#Decides the absolute BEST way to do it is blow up several parts of his own goddamn estate and blame it on Freya#lucky him she's actually brand new to the idea that she has fire magic and doesn't know how to control it so it ACTUALLY worked#man's just sitting over there#stunned#“I really didn't expect this to work out this well...”#for legal reasons this is a joke#I mean for one the attack on Valyarus's place is far from the only one that happens#and I mean the man's sus but why would he frame his own daughter's fiancée after he AGREED to it? She literally crossed a whole ocean.#Would be crazy if that were true though am I right?#Also love me my Mislav angst; poor boy will never escape from it#the feychild tag games#the feychild speaks in tags!#sun and shadow novel#the arcane rifts#freya ula#crow the cursed#valyarus fenastra#gene the amnesiac#tazin the theater kid#mislav the berserker#oc questionnaire#ace characters#aro characters#aroace character#autistic oc
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i fucking hate it when someone calls me and i miss it and there's just like no follow up text or anything
#missed call from 4 hours ago#like what the fuck was that about#in general i just fucking hate phone calls#and people know this so why the fuck are you phoning me to ask a simple question that you could text me about#my two most recent calls were: what date are you going to that concert#TEXTABLE QUESTION#and then are you free right now#WHICH FIRSTLY#YOU COULD TEXT ME THAT#SECONDLY NO TF I AM NOT#I AM AUTISTIC YOU KNOW THIS I DO NOT FUCK WITH LAST MINUTE PLANS I WILL EXPLODE#and then this fucker has the audacity to be like ooooh i miss you we never hang out#like oh maybe it's because every time i ask you to do something a week in advance you're like ahhh idk if im free then i'll tell you closer#to the time#like no actually kill yourself i know you're capable of planning shit in advance why tf can't you do this now i will explode
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I think I am losing my special interests again....
The inbetweens are the WORST
Ough
#moss shut up#not art#Moss' autistic ramblings#It's only a matter of time until I get back into Cuttletavio or start Dedf1sh posting on main again.#Or ig maybe GanLink. Or my Zelda OCs#Possibly katamari or Nancy Drew.#I apologize in advance if it's Nancy Drew#Or Ace Attorney#But also why tf am i apologizing#THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!#Anyway odds are the next big SpIn will be some obscure Splatoon lore or ship.#Or Zelda stuff.#If not that then probably Nancy Drew or Ace Attorney#Slim chance it'll be MLP and if that's the case then idk what to tell y'all#Cringe culture is dead and I know bc I'm killing it as I speak#Hmmmm forgot about dunmeshi#If you read this far. Why#But also thank you I suppose?#If you're reading this we're soul bonded now hehe
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Sorry for being obnoxious about Saw at one in the morning I finished rewatching Saw X and unfortunately the brainrot got worse
#its my every waking thought at this point#like damn#why tf am i autistic about saw trapz#scringee mouth
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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Any TF followers here can I confess something????
My IDW read is on Hiatus because it's version of Star Saber upsets me LOL and I haven't gone back since. Am I weird for that. Am I seriously that bitter.
#Kit.txt#Yes different tf media different characterisations I know but LIKE. COME ON.#Another reason being I am currently watching beast wars and will wanna watch all beasties and then maybe car robots and prime#ALSO COMIC FANS SCARE ME?#ALSO. You know that autistic feel where you feel really protective of a character and if something isn't right you're just. Upset forever#yeah idk me with star Saber#But also starscream? He's been fine in idw (I read from issue 0 but his rid stuff I'm at with windblade and omg hi Jackie has scared???)#For the love of god why am I like this#Also COMIC FANS SCARE ME. I'm sure my followers are awesome but.#It's the intimidation....#also nothing's happened to Starscream that makes me upset really I'm just worried that SOMETHING will happen like weird plot or bad stuffID#ONE MORE THING IDW comics have more things I've been upset with. I took a few pauses here and there. It's a very long ride.
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#how tf#do I explain to my black kids that yes#your white classmate saying the n-word was fucked up#but also he's autistic and extremely sheltered and he genuinely thought it was okay because y'all were using it#like I explained it to him and he's mortified#but also board game club meets again in two weeks and it ended on a tense note this week#and also as a white person I am extremely uncomfortable saying yes your white classmate said the n-word but I'm not banning them#but also it doesn't seem right to ban him for one fuck-up#also why do I have 90% of th black kids in board game club and my partner teacher has 90% of the white kids#we're both white :/
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I'm so glad my partner trusts me enough to tell me about stuff that's worrying them even though they're kinda ashamed about it hope I'll show myself worthy of that trust and will know to return it when I need 💜💜
#may be a bit um. out of lane but i genuinly feel so happy that they told me the thing even though they were reticent at first#and im happy i was able to tame their worry even a little. im genuinely so glad. man do i wish i had time to hold them after work today#why do I live 50 minutes of train away and am autistic when i think daily about hugging them tf
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his thousand yard stare and flat ass have captivated me mind and soul
#1979 henry creel#his thousand yard stare and flat ass and his autistic swag have captivated me#the Atrocities throw a wrench into it but yknow#im still captivated in a 'bug in a jar' way. i want to study him. BUT NOT IN A BRENNER WAY#technically brenner wanted to CONTROL him not study him like henry says that verbatim so#i can still get away with studying him without becoming brenner-coded#putting him in a jar and staring at him. NOT IN A SENSORY TANK CODED WAY EITHER#I CANT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS WITHOUT IT BEING TIED TO BRENNERS HORRIBLE IMAGERY CAN I????#guy who is so normal about brenner trapping henry the way that henry trapped the spiders.#head in hands i wish argyle ran over brenner with the pizza van to make sure he was dead. I NEED TO BE SURE.#also terrible thought bc im rambling in the tags. me and not being sure virginia is dead. what if we get a scene like the s4 opening scene#where brenner is getting ready and it reveals that it's him except its with virginia and its not her getting ready#instead its a flashback to 1959 and they make us think it's Before the murders like same night but before it and virginia is coming down the#stairs (that one weird stairs pov shot we got) but then it cuts from her to henry and alice etc on the floor and it hits us all like a bric#*brick. i would kill for that but i would also be screaming crying throwing up the whole time fr.#I Know That Bitch Didnt Die The Way They Made Us Think She Did. Doctors Hate Her- LEARN HER SECRET CLICK HERE#anyway henry shitpost tags turned in 2 virginia hate as always i am always suspicious of her and always ready 2 hate on her.#also why tf is 1979 henry in the nina bunker in this shot. thats weird#its a bts pic so maybe jamie just went on the set but alsooooooooooooooooooooooooooo smthn is sus#anyway henrys thousand yard stare and flat ass really HAVE captivated me.
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hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I hate cars I
#this post is brought to you by#a druid#and also just a nature lover#and an autistic#they are so fucking loud and annoying and the ppl in them are so inconsiderate#like why tf are you swerving into a lane with a care in it five feet away bc you don't wanna slow down behind a cyclist for two seconds#why#why?#???#?#like i am genuinely distressed at how much I hate these fucking noise machines
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I’m so sad
When I was younger and look Thai and is literally a walking roast chicken I used to draw myself wHITE and now that I don’t go outside like ever aside from work and idk hangouts witch is like once a week I am pastier than my wHITE friends but i just wanna draw myself tan cuz I was fucking tan but no I’m out here Casper, the fucking ghost, literally out whiting my white friends.
My point is that I wanna draw my self inserts tan but because I’m not it feels weird cuz I did that with my HI3 oc :/
#why am i the way that i am#it’s so weird that I’ve been in England for 10 years now and I’m still not over the culture shock#I just wanna go back to Thailand and just be silly there but ngl thailands a mess rn#can’t say shit either cuz English is a shit hole#no matter where I go I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere or included#I hate being queer mentally ill on the spectrum and half#there’s really no where I fit in ;-;#I’m not white enough to be white#I’m not Thai enough to be Thai#and I’m too fat to be Asian like girl what?#and then some ppl are saying I’m not autistic enough to be autistic#and the shit I get for being a lesbian also sucks ass#like omg I can fix you you just need good dick#like stfu woman can have dicks too asshat#I’m just tired ;-;#anyways at least I’m funny and hot and amazing#honestly ppl just just suck my dick#sorry for the rant probably gonna delete this#wait how tf did I end up ranting about myself when I was just trying to make a joke about me being whiter then my white friends#oooff
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texting with this random slovenian man who asked for my instagram at work and I was too out of it to realize what was going on until it was too late 😭
#hes nice tbf#and he isnt like flirting from what my autistic ass can tell#but also. why tf am i texting with this random slovenian man#whos username is a one piece reference of all things 😭#.txt
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thank GOD im done w that beast of a white paper though 😭 i feel i could have done better particularly w the intro piece but i am so spent i just did what i could. it’s honestly not my best work but grappling with big ideas like that is so hard especially when u haven’t spent so much time sitting with it and reflecting like that’s a very important part of creating new knowledge whatever idk
#its just annoying ig#i piss myself off so much bc i just default to doing too much and it’s like chill??????#like i keep thinking 💭 of what other people did and im like am i okay???? why tf did i do this complex ass project i literally have adhd and#mighy be autistic like why are u trying to kill#urself#kinda annoying bc i then can’t do things at the right time and its loke bof#and i have to figure out how to complete my crazy complex project before n one night#the thing w pla is that i didn’t even plan for it to be complicated that just happened to me#like i wanted smth easy#whatever whatever lie on ur laid bed etc whatever#fucked up and evil though chai
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// just a rant in the tags please ignore lol
#//so after all the shit with my new workplace and the stress this week from my new manager#they've just invited me to the 2.5 day 'retreat' they try to make all the new starters go to#//If I'm not accepting (which I'm not)#- because being in the middle of nowhere - when I can't drive and am unable to escape - with people I don't know - having to share#facilities - cook with other people and generally not get a restbite from others is my literal idea of hell#like ask me#what does hell look like for you laura#it would be a cabin in the middle of nowhere with people I don't know - forced fun and 'team building' excersizes - no public transport for#miles and having to take bullshit 'personality' tests to 'help understand a companies values and bullshit agendas'#so now I'm INCREDIBLY anxious because in order to not accept I have to email like eight different people with my reasons#the reason is simple#I'm autistic - I have anxiety and depression - I'm introverted and I HATE these stupid sorts of bullshit events#I've already got a pretty good idea of the companies culture and values I've been here four weeks and also I've read all your policies and#been to all the stupid talks#it's a literal fucking data entry job#I literally do a job a relatively intelligent monkey could do#why tf do I have to sell my soul to do it#just let me do my work and leave me alone#I can already see how the email chain is going to go#I'm going to state my reason - too which I'll get told well I really should be going and how do I know if I don't try it and we have things#in place for ND people#which#no you don't#and then I'm going to get treated like a kid that doesn't know her own mind rather than a 33 year old woman who knows her own brain inside#out because she's spent the last 19 years trying to figure out just wtf is wrong with her and has recently found out#I can't rant to my other half about this - not because he won't understand - he hated his but because I just don't want to put it on him
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