#WHO NEEDS PEOPLE WHEN I CAN CRY TO MY PILLOWS ABOUT HOW THE UNIVERSE IS SO UNFAIR AS TO MAKE ME FALL SO IN LOVE WITH A FICTIONAL CHARACTER

[yanosdiary]

:(((

[beepboopkek]

— I will always come to your aid (AFAB!Reader)

AMAB!Reader has also been posted! including: Jing Yuan cw: !!NSFW!!, afab!reader, grammar and spelling errors possible, pwp but barely, hinted that reader has a s1ze k1nk, f1ng3r1ng, reader is a little sarcastic, still spreading my Jing Yuan is a Bastard (affectionate) agenda, masturbat1on, getting caught masturbat1ng, d1rty talk, cum eat1ng, no use of y/n, reader can be interpreted as the trailblazer but they are NOT stelle/caelus, safe sane and consensual w/c: 2k a/n: people liked strip starchess so much so here is another one of my brainrots... i dont usually like this troupe that much but i find myself excusing anything and everything for jing yuan so here we are. for my male reader likers i got u, its being posted right after this so you guys can enjoy too :3. also just remember that this is NOT stelle/caelus, its the you haha, i dont like shipping the raccoons with anyone as a personal pref so im just making that clear :3. anyways same warning as last time this is like my third time writing smut and also english isnty my first language. enjoy!!

The crisis on the Xianzhou Luofu was mostly over.

Which meant you had to leave the man you had fallen head over heels in love with.

Well— love may be an exaggeration but you weren't fucking around when it came to him.

Jing Yuan.

Your eyes had been hooked onto him the second you two met, his pleasant smile, his calm demeanor, his body—fuck, everything about him enamored you.

You could only wish that there was some other universe where he reciprocated your feelings.

You departed with a respectful nod of the head, despite wanting to smoosh your face between his pecs and cry about never getting to see them again.

The only hope that you did have though, was the jade abacus he had gifted you and your companions.

“No matter how astronomically distant you are, The Luofu Cloud Knights will always come to the aid of the Crew, whatever your need may be.”

Of course, his next sentence was to not use it for trivial matters when he saw March’s reaction, much to your amusement.

There was a discussion on who should keep the jade abacus, March being ruled out first much to her annoyance.

It landed between you and Dan Heng and given his history with the Xianzhou Luofu, he handed it to you.

That's how you ended up here, standing in front of your locked door with the abacus in your hand.

What if you grip it— You need to rinse your brain with cold water at this point…

You flopped onto bed, letting the exhaustion of the day seep into your bones as the plush blanket and pillows surrounded you.

You threw the abacus to your side, you'll take care of it later, not like you're gonna need it right now anyway.

Your mind flooded with images of Jing Yuan, his voice and everything you had been through together.

Fuck.

Your hand drifted towards your pussy, already feeling some wetness gathering at the thought of what you were about to do.

— Touch yourself to the thought of the General of the Cloud Knights on the Xianzhou Luofu, one of the most powerful beings to ever exist in history.

You shook your doubts away, he's just Jing Yuan to you.

You took off your shorts in record speed, tossing your panties along with it.

You never really touched yourself that often so you tried to imagine your hand being his instead.

You rubbed your clit, gasping at the cold touch of your fingers on the warm flesh.

How would he touch you?

He'd take his time, surely. He's not one to rush things— He'd work you open slowly for his cock—fuck, you're sure it's in proportion with how goddamn large his body is.

You moaned as you inserted two fingers inside you. You wanted to imagine Jing Yuan doing it, really, But, you also wanted an orgasm quickly so you can sleep. So, you just decided to go with imagining his voice talking to you.

You pistoned your fingers in and out, curling them at the spot only you could reach with your much smaller hands.

It was too intense, the thought of his deep voice guiding you through was enough to get your orgasm to graze along the edges of  your belly slowly, building up to be a strong one.

You grabbed the blanket next to you, gripping it tightly as you whispered Jing Yuan's name and continued thrusting your fingers inside you.

You swear the normal part of your brain recognised you gripping an object while gripping the blanket as well but you were genuinely too out of it to care in the slightest.

You're just about to orgasm when everything in your room rattles, as if there's an earthquake. 

Which should be impossible considering you are literally on a massive train that travels through space.

You let go of the blanket and sit up in shock, looking around to see what happened.

…With your fingers still inside you.

“Followers of the Nameless, I am here to assist you, tell me about the situ— Oh.”

You blinked.

Jing Yuan blinked.

Oh. Fuck.

You scrambled, ripping your fingers out and slapping your lower half with a pillow.

“J-Jing Yuan I-” 

You gulped, trying to calm your racing heart, you just got caught masturbating by your crush.

Life is going great.

Your cheeks and ears were beet red now, opening and closing your mouth as you tried to say something, anything to get you out of this situation.

Jing Yuan was just as surprised, if not astonished, by the scene that had unfolded in front of him.

He was finishing up some paperwork that Lady Fu had so kindly delivered to him in the Alchemy Commission when suddenly, the jade abacus he had clipped to his belt loop started vibrating.

Not one to panic, he quickly unhooked it and got it closer to his ear, so that he could hear what the Express were asking of.

What he didn't expect was to hear the voice of his crush, the one that he has acquired after decades of not entertaining any romantic relationships, whispering and calling out his name.

Okay, maybe now he should panic.

Without a second thought, Jing Yuan summoned his weapon and gripped the jade abacus back, signaling it to teleport him to your location.

Paperwork be damned he would rather lose a hundred years of his life if it mean you would be safe.

That landed him here, in front of a half-naked (and very surprised) you.

He dissolved his weapon into thin air and folded his arms against his chest.

“Well, this is a surprise.”

“Wow, you don't say.”

Jing Yuan raised an eyebrow at your tone.

“S-sorry, I don't know how you got here.”

An interesting turn of events.

“... Did you not call for me?”

“No, Why would I? Even if I did, how did you just…magically appear here?”

“Oh, dear.”

“What?”

“The jade abacus. I think you… I think you gripped it while you were…busy.”

He looked into your eyes and back down at the pillow that was barely covering your lower half.

“The jade aba—” 

You cut yourself off, turning to your side to where you had thrown it, only to find the wretched object to be in the center of your crumpled blanket.

“Fuck.” 

“Jing Yuan— I am so, so , so, sorry, I swear this was an honest mistake and I'll—”

Jing Yuan cut you off with the raise of his hand. “I forgive you.” “Really? Great let me j—”

“On one condition.” Of course there’s a catch. You sighed begrudgingly.

“What do you need help with?” “Quite the opposite, actually.” Your eyes widened but before you could let out your protests, Jing Yuan spoke up again. “You let me help you finish.” The gall of this man.You’re still going to take the chance that he doesn’t know what you were doing. “Finish what?”

You tried to sound innocent but your voice came out breathier than you wanted it to be. “Dont play coy now, you know exactly what I mean.” Your face burnt in embarrassment as you looked away. Jing Yuan dragged your desk chair and got it to the front of your bed before sitting down and making himself comfortable, propping one leg on the other and leaning back. “Go on, show me exactly what you were doing before I got here,hm?” “I can’t.” Jing Yuan paused, shit, had he misread the situation? Maybe he should—

“I can’t do it without you.” You had covered your red face at this point, way too embarrassed to look him in the eye while speaking. Jing Yuan just about lost it at that, abandoning all doubt and pouncing on you, grabbing your face to take you in a devouring kiss. He threw the pillow covering your bottom half in a random direction, quickly pecking you on the cheeks before pulling your hand over his. “Guide me.” You nodded shyly and pushed his hand towards your dripping pussy again. Fuck. His hands were just the way you imagined them. Warm and big, enough to hold your own two hands.

His hand (under your guidance and insistence) cupped your pussy and grinded the heel of his palm into your sensitive clit. “I’ve barely touched you, were you this wet while we were talking,hm? Did it turn you on to have me catch you in such an embarrassing state?” Jing Yuan whispered in your ear as he hovered over you and you thanked every aeon known for this opportunity because fuck, your imagination did not do any justice to how good the general was. Jing Yuan dipped the tip of his finger in your core, not entering but adding just enough stimulation for you to feel something there.

“Answer me.”

“No, I swear I didn’t, Jing Yuan, please—”

Jing Yuan smiled, he didn’t know you would be this easy to subdue.

He gently thrusted his finger inside, watching your face for any discomfort or resistance.

But, he was only met with your blissed out face, as you gasped in pleasure from his ministartions.

“Were you able to reach here?” He curled his finger upwards, hitting your sensitive spot just right.

You threw your hand over your mouth, pinching your mouth shut and praying, once again, to all the aeons you knew that the other passengers on the Express were dead asleep and couldn’t hear you. Granted, your room was the last in the carriage and had a decent amount of sound proofing but, you were still not risking it.

Your snapped out of your worries when Jing Yuan pushed in another finger alongside the one that was already in you.

“It looks like you’re getting distracted, maybe I’m not doing my job well enough?”

“N—Fuck, Its good, I’m sorry—Shit—”

Jing yuan simply kissed your head affectionately like he wasnt fingering you to hell and back right now and picked up the pace of his fingers.

Your hand was just gripping his wrist and you werent sure if it was to egg him to continue or get him to slow down and stop.

Maybe both.

Your head rolled back on the bed, exposing your bare neck to Jing Yuan as he immediately took the opportunity to cover your neck in kisses, Aeons be dammed. There's no way hes letting you walk out of this room unmarked and not carrying any proof of the evening you spent with him.

You gasped as your orgasm finally, finally overtook you. You shook in the general’s grasp as he continued thrusting his fingers in and out, drawing out the pleasure.

Taking his soaked fingers out, he popped them in his mouth, savouring the taste while you recovered from the intense bout of sensations you just went through.

You propped yourself up on your elbows again, looking at Jing Yuan owlishly as your head cleared from the horniness.

Jing Yuan only smiled at you before holding your head and kissing your forehead again before gathering you in his arms.

“Call me old fashioned or old but I do believe in the proper process of courting someone and,”

He looked into your eyes as he cupped your face in one palm and brushed the thumb along the seam of your chin.

“I think we skipped a few steps.”

“Yeah, no shit, general.”

He laughed at that, his chest shaking as the deep sound rumbled from his throat, you blushed again.

You were in the arms of the man you’ve wanted to kiss since you stepped foot on the Xianzhou ship.

You covered your burning face with your palms again as Jing Yuan’s laughter died down into little chuckles.

“We did all of that and youre getting shy now?”

“Shut up. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

“Wanted what? To get fingered by me?”

“No! — I mean that too, I guess, but I meant being held by you! Stop playing games, Jing Yuan.”

Jing Yuan only laughed as he took his free hand and grabbed your hands, turning them towards him one after the other and kissing the palm.

“I jest, I jest. But, I must stay here for the night. I’m afraid I cant travel back to the Xianzhou Luofu seeing as we aren’t closeby.”

You smiled.

Jing Yuan’s eyes twinkled in mischief right back at you.

“Be my guest.”

[thatonelazyghost]

Bungo Stray Dogs incorrect quotes

Featuring random shit my friends have said (they will be tagged if they are on this godless site)

Dazai: I'm a lesbian but a guy lesbian

@duckbakery

Kunikida: I thought I'd die before seeing some common sense in this agency

(i changed a word but hey)

Kunikida: I opened my glasses case and started panicking because I couldn't find my glasses... I'm literally wearing them

@wraith--2

Yosano: I'm not a people pleaser, I'm a woman pleaser

Fyodor: No amount of karate will save you from the heat death of the universe

@carpcranium

Tanizaki (to Yosano): I feel like amputating our customers is a bad idea

(hehehhehehehee i said this)

Chuuya: God of wine and insanity... also known as me last weekend

Fyodor: How strange. They're pretending they don't respect me

Higuchi: It's ok I'm a big girl I cry into my pillow

@wraith--2

Kunikida: It's not boring to want money and to not be even more mentally ill

Dazai: Sure bud

@indecisivenb + @darkwitchingflower

Ranpo: Dazai! Thoughts on be crime do gay?!

@carpcranium

Nikolai: Ah ok ya know what I'm goin commando in the cinema

Sigma: Do not go commando in the cinema

Nikolai: I'm going commando in the cinema

@darkwitchingflower + someone else

Dazai: Hydrate or diedrate or as Yosano said Hydrate or die straight

@indecisivenb

Dark era dazai: Everyone needs a piece of Odasaku

Poe about ranpo: Thine eyes are blessed with the sight of him. him.

Who I wake to every morning and think of

Who I dream of at night

Aphrodite has forsaken me yet he is my light

The waves will roar and crash

And I know, he is always up for a smash

When I see hid thoughts are gone

And all I can do is simply long

He could never be mine

Yet still I pine

Days will pass and the sun shall set

All the while I'd place a bet

That I'm still there

Twirling my hair

Dreaming of something that was never fair

@wraith--2

Atsushi: I wasnt thinking

Dazai: Neither was the other guy (Akutagawa) when you gave him a mind blowing sloppy toppy it seems

@duckbakery + someone else

[snobgoblin]

I have just been extremely chatty lately so anyway yapping to a character prompt part 3

1. How do they celebrate their birthday?

he usually just treats himself by shopping at red street. he would invite people but he doesn't really have friends

2. Who is the most important person in their life?

himself if I'm honest but whatever partner he may get definitely becomes the most important person to him

3. What to they wear when they're just at home hanging out?

it swings wildly between "he wears the most expensive outfit he owns just for funsies" and "he wears basically nothing because of texture issues"

4. What is their house like?

you've seen the shop! it's that. with a cozy upstairs with lots of pillows. very Howl's Moving Castle esque decor going on in there too

5. Any pets?

eventually Faunus, yeah! he tries very unsuccessfully to lure pigeons and stuff to him with pumpkin bread. he's definitely an animal lover and tries to pet anything

6. What will always make them smile?

things that bring him comfort. warm bread, little trinkets, and eventually, his friends

7. What will always make them cry?

if you ever make him feel like you don't like him he will get mad and then cry about it later

8. What's their favorite movie (presuming they life in a world with movies, if not, what would be their favorite movie)?

I watch the same 5 movies on loop so I'm not sure 😭 I'll say he's a ghibli kind of guy

9. Favorite book?

erm I don't read so idk but he loves reading up on mythology and magic and things like that

10. Do they get along with their parents?

despite feeling hurt by Mercurio they're definitely close. that's the reason WHY he's so mad at his dad for leaving- he loves being around him. his relationship with his mom is negative but nearly nonexistent, they hardly see each other

11. If you could put them into a different fictional universe, where would they go?

in my universe GET OVER HERE (I have fallen in love with him)

12. Favorite holiday?

he freaking loves the Winter Solstice bro, like he hates the cold but he loves the closeness that comes with it and the over the top decorations

13. Tattoos?

nope!

14. What was their first kiss like?

awkward 😭 but passionate. buddy tried his best but he is painfully socially awkward

15. Have they ever lost somebody they loved?

yes, his aunt Capra. it destroyed him

16. They find a genie and are granted three wishes, what do they wish for, and why?

1) he wishes for someone to be obsessed with him. he is extremely lonely and feels so much love that has nowhere to go, and his heart is so empty he needs something to fill it. 2) he would probably want his aunt back and 3) he wishes to be rich for personal reasons but also so his dad will quit his job and stay home with him (that's not how that works 😭 he loves what he does)

17. They're stranded on an island and can only have 4 items and one companion, who and what do they bring?

he brings Asra and doesn't have to worry about the other 4 items because Asra will portal through the water and get them to safety. er cheeky answer erm Asra brings a wand, a cup, a sword, and a pentacle

18. What's a quote (not from their universe), that you associate them with?

I had to google "quotes" to get this 💀 I think this one's fitting "be so good they can't ignore you" -Steve Martin

19. Any romantic interests?

too many

20. What kind of accent do they have?

it's hard to say because they would all be speaking a language I do not speak. (of course the devs say they're all fantasy languages but we can assume they would at least be similar to real life areas and languages) he would sound like a native Italian speaker for sure, where Nadia, Julian, and Lucio, might not

21. What is their most prized possession?

he has a couple... his rings are probably up there. he never takes them off

22. Have they ever stolen anything?

only a body!

[forget-you-morelike-fuck-you]

Euclid- E.M.

Okay, I put a rush on this so I could have it out before I leave for my anniversary trip tomorrow, and I need to warn you, it is brutal. You can listen to the song I drew inspiration from here: https://youtu.be/DDdByJYUVeA

It's been months since Eddie cheated on you, and life has been hell as you try to heal. But when the chance comes, are you able to take him back?

Separate Ways (Pt. 1) - Part-Time Lover (Extra)

Masterlist

TW- 18+ Minors DNI, smut, angst, mentions of cheating, mentions of drinking, panic attacks, cursing, pining, mutual pining, pet names (baby, sweetheart, sweet girl), oral (f receiving), fingering, pnv, protected sex (Wrap before you tap, besties <3), all around shitshow of feels and lots of crying

Pairings- Eddie X Reader, Bestfriend!Robin X Reader

Word Count- 7,698

The phone rang at least twice a day, but you didn’t pick it up. Not when you knew who would be on the other side. It’s been like this for the past couple months, and your eyes start watering of their own will every time you hear it, wishing so badly you could just throw the phone at the wall and smash it into a million pieces. Why can’t he just give it a rest? Take a hint? He should know by now that you want nothing more to do with him, not after everything he did to you. 

You still wake up smiling every few days, dreams of him on brighter days dancing across the backs of your eyelids fading into the grim reality that he forced you to see just a few months ago as you wake up alone again, and again, and again. You still touch the space in the hollow of your neck, grasping at a necklace that no longer resides there for a comfort you can never seem to find. He broke you. Eddie broke you.  

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be married to him by now. In some parallel universe, you had graduated high school with full honors, and you had been able to make your journey back to Hawkins to spend the rest of your life with the man you loved to the ends of the earth. But not this one. In this one, you laid in agony day after day wishing that the man you loved had loved you enough to wait for you just a little longer before turning into the arms of another.  

“Sweetheart?” A sliver of light breaks through the darkness of your room as your mom opens the door. You wipe your face of stray tears and sniff back the snot threatening to drip from your nose as you sit up to talk to her. “Are you hungry? I was thinking about getting from that place you love over by the movie theater,” Your mom has been so good to you, even after all of the venom you spent on her and your dad when you were forced to move here. Now it was like a little slice of heaven on most days. You never had to worry about seeing Eddie around town. He’d be stupid to show up here, especially unannounced.  

You nod to your mom, your voice hoarse as you respond, “Yeah, that would be great mom. Thank you,” She gives you a soft smile, knowing how hard it is for you on these kinds of days. The days where you can’t seem to get him out of your head.  

“Okay, I’ll be back soon then,” She starts closing the door, but she opens it back up to say something else, “I hate to ask, sweetie, but I’m expecting a call at some point tonight from the carpet people to confirm our appointment for this weekend. Your father should be home soon, but if you hear the phone before he gets here, would you mind grabbing it?” She looks at you apologetically as the pit forms in your stomach, but you nod anyway, giving her a fake smile.  

“Yeah, I can do that, no problem,” Your fingers find dried pieces of skin to pick around one of your thumbs, and you pull one that was too fresh. You can feel the live skin pulling away and you know you’ll bleed.  

“Thank you, honey. I’ll be back soon,” She closes the door then, softly clicking the handle back into place as you’re enveloped in darkness again. You heave a heavy sigh, throwing your head back against your pillow before rubbing your down your face to hopefully wipe off some of the sleepiness from your eyes. You click the light on next to your bed and contemplate getting up. You don’t want to fall back asleep before your mom gets home with the food she kindly offered to get you. 

You sigh again as you decide to at least go to the bathroom and get something to drink, so you heave your legs over the side of your bed and slip them into your house shoes before quietly padding your way down the hallway to the bathroom, then the kitchen for a glass of water. You drink it down and refill it, taking a few more big gulps before setting it to the side and going to get plates out of the cabinet for dinner. 

As you set the table, your blood runs cold when you hear the phone ring shrilly on the opposite wall from you, nearly dropping the forks in your hand as you jolt to attention. It’s a daunting task to walk over, and so you take your time putting the forks down in a heap on the table before trudging over to the dock and gingerly picking it up. You put it to your ear and let out a quiet “Hello?” 

“Hey, sweetheart, it’s dad.” You almost cry in relief when you hear his voice over the receiver.  

“Dad, hey what’s up?” You try to calm the shaking in your voice as the adrenaline seeps from your system, but it’s no use.  

“I’m gonna be a little later getting home than I thought. I need to go by the Xerox place before they close to copy a few things. Just ask your mom to put my dinner in the microwave for me?”  

“Yeah, sure. I can do that,” 

“Okay, thanks lovebug. I’ll see you soon,”  

“Okay, love you, dad.” He hangs up the phone and you go back to your task of setting the table. Just as you finish, the phone rings again, and you walk over a little more confidently this time, your fear having subsided a bit after taking the first call.  

“Hello?” There’s no sound from the other end for a moment, and you’re thinking this might end up being an automated message when you finally hear him. 

“Y/N?” Your stomach falls down to your feet, and you waste no time slamming the phone back into its place, your hands breaking out in a cold sweat. The phone rings again right after, and you panic, torn between answering and letting it ring. But you promised your mom, and so you pick it up again, and, terrified, you hold the phone to your face. 

“Y/N, just give me five minutes, please. That’s all I ask!” Your breath trembles uncontrollably, but you find yourself more angry than sad right now. Enough is enough. 

“Eddie!” His name feels like a sweet, sweet poison falling from your tongue, “All I asked was for you to wait for me, to love me. And you couldn’t do that. So, for the love of God, just leave me the fuck alone!” You slam the phone back down, sobs starting to crack from your burning chest, hot tears spilling over your cheeks. You hide your face in your hands, trying to control your breathing and calm down enough to at least see so you can sit at the kitchen table, but it’s all too much. You let yourself fall to the floor and wrap your arms around your knees as you continue to sob, your mouth hanging open to let all the sounds trapped inside you free while you have time alone.  

Your mom finds you there, still crying loudly as she opens the door from the garage, food bag in hand before she rushes over and sits next to you, pulling your face into her chest to rock you back and forth, smoothing your hair lovingly as you fall to pieces once again. 

That wasn’t the last call from Eddie, but it was the second to last. The next day, you came home from work to a voicemail on the machine. Normally, you would instantly delete it to try to save yourself another breakdown, but this time you listened, wanting to know what he would’ve said to you last night if you had given him the chance. “Y/N, I- I'm sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I’m sorry for not being able to leave you be. I just... You’re like a ghost in my hallway, I can’t sleep without you. I see you in everything, and I can’t get you out of my mind. I love you, so much, and I know that that’s probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever said, but I can’t let you go without telling you that one last time. But if there is some, small, tiny, selfless part of you that could love me again, no, even just forgive me... Call me. Whenever you have the time,” Your finger hovers over the delete button after the machine beeps, but you can’t bring yourself to do it, the sound of his voice is like a shot of heroin, even through the slight slur no doubt due to more than a couple of drinks. 

Without him ringing your phone off the hook every day, it becomes a little easier to start forgetting him. You start to smile more, take more time to enjoy the things you used to, like riding your bike and baking with your mom. You even call Robin, who you haven’t talked to since she so kindly helped you get home after you found Eddie and Chrissy Cunningham together in her car.  

You’ve missed her terribly, and you ache to tell her everything that’s been happening with Eddie calling, and even the voicemail you kept, but you can’t bring yourself to dredge it all up. Instead, you talk about having her over soon, since school is out. You’ve let yourself develop favorite places here, and you’d love to show them to her. She wildly accepts, rapidly talking about dates that would be best for her, and soon you’ve got a trip planned for late July. 

Your calls with Robin get more frequent after, and she fills you in on everything outside of Eddie going on in Hawkins. “Steve’s starting classes at the community college in the fall. He says he’s gonna do a business major like his dad, but I think you and I both know he’s gonna end up switching before the first semester is even over. Oh, and Nancy just got an internship at a major newspaper ever since she wrote that article about those toxic fertilizers being sold all over Indiana...” You smile as she tells you everything, taking it all in as you let yourself really miss Hawkins for the first time in a while. It’s so odd now, thinking about it. You spent the first 18 years of your life there, and now it all almost feels like a dream. 

You get your first college acceptance letter in late June, and another just a couple days later. You were always a good student, but after you left Eddie, things went really downhill those last few weeks of school. You almost didn’t even pass your finals. Thankfully, your GPA was so good that it didn’t do too much to your overall grading, but it still definitely affected your choice of schools. Washington State accepted you with a half ride scholarship, and the University of Utah accepted you with a $3000 grant to help with the tuition. You didn’t get into University of California, Irvine, but it wasn’t your first choice anyway. Your parents celebrate with you with a nice dinner out, and you think about the opportunities you would’ve lost had you gone back to Hawkins and settled for the community college there. You’ve been wanting to go into Nursing since you started high school, and with the scholarship to Washington State, it makes that dream much more real.  

You scream in delight as Robin pulls into your driveway, having been watching out the window for the last hour expecting her arrival. You rush out the door as she parks and embrace her tightly the moment she steps out of her car. “I can’t believe you’re here!” You cry in delight, squeezing her so hard Robin feels like her eyeballs are about to explode from their sockets, not that she cares. She hugs you back with just as much force, so happy to see her best friend again.  

“I know! I’ve missed you so much! How are you?” She asks as you separate. You give a contemplative smile as you think of the right words to say. 

“Up and down, you know. But right now, I am super Up since you’re here!” You laugh, pulling her into another hug, much lighter this time now that you’ve both gotten your initial excitement out of your systems. You help her haul her bags into your house, taking her upstairs to the guest room she’ll be staying in for the next week while she’s here.  

“This is nice! Much bigger than your old house!” Robin comments, looking around the soft blue painted room.  

“Yeah, with my dad’s new job, the company he works for gave him some assistance to buy a new house out here along with the pay raise, so we got a good deal on it after everything was said and done,” You shrug. It is a nice house, you suppose. But something about it just doesn’t feel like home. It never has. 

“That’s awesome! So, what kind of fun stuff do we have planned for this week?” Robin asks as she sits on the bed. You sit next to her, doing an excited wiggle as you tell her everything. 

“So, there’s a festival going on this weekend downtown, so we’re definitely going to that. And we can hit the roller rink, go to the movies, and we have a pretty cool mall here, so we can go hang out there too! And we just got a hot tub last month, so I hope you brought a swimsuit!” Robin’s smile grows wider as you list off all of the fun things you can do, oohing and ahhing at all of the options. 

“Well,” She says, lifting her eyebrow playfully, “I definitely think we should start with the hot tub!” You laugh as she gets up, flipping her suitcase over to dig out her bikini. 

“Okay! Get changed and I’ll go get it ready for us!” You’re practically skipping down the stairs with joy when you gently close the door behind you, just so happy to have one of your favorite people back after so long. 

As the days pass, you and Robin talk nonstop about how your lives are going, usually either walking around the mall, some icy treat in your hands, or lounging in your backyard, soaking up the sun. You’ve been getting a bit curious as to the whereabouts of Eddie and what he’s been up to, but you’re almost afraid to hear the answer. Finally, after it eats right through you, you ask as you and Robin sit on your patio, sharing a plate of watermelon, ice clinking against your glass as you take a sip of sweet tea. “So, what’s Eddie been up to?” You ask casually, trying to veil the nervousness as you bat your lashes innocently at Robin, whose face has fallen. 

“He’s...” Her face contorts, like she’s trying to find a way to put it gently. Your stomach does flips in your abdomen as you wait, as both possible answers are ones you dread. “Are you sure you want to know?” Your façade cracks, but only for a moment before you pull yourself back together and nod. It’s gonna be bad no matter how you slice it. Either he’s doing great and moved on, probably with Chrissy, or he’s doing so badly he’s drowning, just like you have been for the better part of this year. Your voice comes out more serious, and a bit sad as you let your eyes fall from Robin’s sympathetic gaze. 

“Yeah, I think I do.” You hear Robin take a gulp of air, chewing on the answer you wish she’d just spit out. 

“He’s not doing too great,” You look up at her, but she’s not looking at you anymore. She’s fidgeting with her fingers as she thinks of the right words to say. “I don’t really see much of him anymore, but Steve still does, and he says that Eddie’s been kind of wallowing in self-hatred ever since you left that day. All I know is that the last time I saw him, it looked like he hadn’t slept in days...” Your heart pounds loudly in your throat as you hang onto her every word, and your iron grip on your cup almost makes you afraid it’s going to shatter in your hands. 

“When was that? When did you see him last?” You almost sound like you’re pleading for the answer, and Robin’s eyes are soft on yours as she replies. 

“He came in to rent a movie last week.”  

So, he’s been in just as much pain as you have been, and suddenly, it all comes crashing around you. It’s like your chest is full of thick tar, burning white hot up to your throat. You chew the inside of your mouth to keep it all from coming up, and the words he spoke on his last call to you echo in your mind. “But if there is some, small, tiny, selfless part of you that could love me again, no, even just forgive me... Call me. Whenever you have the time,” 

You never told Robin about the gritty details of your Eddie induced depression, but then, it all spills out. You tell her about the incessant calling, all of the breakdowns, panic attacks, second thoughts... All of the hatred and the mind-numbing love you still felt for Eddie. All of it, up to that last call, which you let her listen to on the answering machine. You even admit to her that you listen to it at least once a week, twice if you have a really bad day. You sit with her on the couch in your living room as you let her process it all. 

“Would you ever consider taking him back?” she asks, brows knitted together in confusion. 

“No!” You assert, before your mind starts racing toward the alternative. “Maybe... I don’t know. I don’t know if I could,” Your head falls into your hands as you let out a groan that’s been locked deep inside you. “If he had just not been so fucking stupid, I wouldn’t even have to wonder,” You look back up at Robin as she listens intently to you. “But I dream about him, Robin. Even still, and I wake up so fucking happy until I remember that he’s gone,” You confess. You had even dreamt about him last night, and you remember it so vividly, like you could reach out and feel his warmth right then if you wanted to. 

“Maybe...” Robin begins gently, “Maybe it was just some stupid mistake. Maybe he was drunk when it started, and he just didn’t know how to make it stop,” You give her a look of warning, and she throws her hands up, “I’m not saying it’s a good excuse, but it could just be what happened!” She says, sighing deeply. “Look, all I will say is that I have never seen someone love someone else as much as you two loved each other. I would never tell you that one way or the other is right or wrong, but if it were me, I might have to rethink my decision—especially if it still hurt this much.” She lends a comforting hand to your knee, and you cover it with yours thankfully. “I just want you to be happy, no matter how that happens. You’re my best friend,” A small tear falls from the corner of your eye as you pull her into a tight hug, rocking gently as tears leak onto her sun warmed shoulder.  

As summer turns to fall, your parents start mentioning a trip to Hawkins for Thanksgiving, and your stomach knots around itself every time it’s brought up. You’ve been considering going, but you also don’t know what decision you’ll come to. They would never make you go, of course, but there’s more than one reason to want to go back. Your friends, your family... Eddie.  

You’ve been so close to calling him dozens of times since Robin was there with you, her words and Eddie’s running over and over through your mind like a broken record. You even got halfway through dialing once, before getting too scared and putting the phone back down. You’ve weighed the pros and cons, gone through every possible scenario you can imagine. There’s a chance you wouldn’t even see him, but there’s also the chance that you see him and he’s with someone else now, or he’s not with someone else, but you don’t want him, or maybe you would, or maybe he wouldn’t want you anymore... 

Your mind is madness as the trip nears, and you wish more than ever that you still had the heavy metal ring on the chain around your neck to keep you grounded. You reach for it, only to find the skin bare like every other time you try. It’s like if you wish for it hard enough, one day it’ll appear again, and you’ll have that piece of Eddie back to help you through this.  

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe the wishing and the brushing of your skin against the base of your throat has been the answer all along. If you’re wishing for Eddie so badly, why don’t you go get him? If nothing else, maybe seeing him again would provide some sort of closure for the both of you.  

Your parents are surprised at your decision to join them, but you don’t let them in on all of the reasons why, out of fear that they’d talk you out of it. You can’t keep living like this, staring at the ceiling and watching the past play over and over of a time when you were truly happy. Of when Eddie was there with you. 

The drive back to Hawkins feels like eternity as you pass through state after state of boring, flat nothingness, but as you start seeing mile signs with the town name on it, the numbers going down as you near your destination, your body starts buzzing with adrenaline. You have to keep your shaking breaths quiet as to not alarm your parents of the turmoil your body and mind are facing as you go over the details of your plan.  

When you pull into the hotel parking lot, you grab your bike out of the trunk first, wanting to have it close by after you haul your bags up to the rooms your parents have booked for the next few days. You told your parents you’re staying with Robin tonight to catch up, which isn’t a lie. You’re planning on going there, after you go to see Eddie.

You contemplated the pros and cons of calling before showing up unannounced, and you decided that if you accidentally caught him with another woman again, you’d probably never recover, and so the week prior, while no one was home but you, you dialed the number you knew by heart, fingers shaking over the numbers. As much as you steeled yourself to hear his voice again, it was like your blood turned to lead when you heard him. 

“Hello?” You took a deep breath, your lungs refusing to calm their trembling. 

“Eddie,” You breathed, trying not to lose your resolve. 

“Y/N?” His voice was hopeful, the pained sting of hearing you after so long was evident.   

“D-do you remember that place in the park we used to meet?” A heat broke out over your face as you waited for him to respond. 

“Yeah, yeah of course, I do,” His voice was just as shaky as yours. It was only a mild comfort as you continued. 

“I’m gonna be in town next week. Meet me there next Wednesday. I think we’ll be getting in around 6 in the evening,” You took another deep breath, closing your eyes to envision the reunion. The best- and worst-case scenarios turning over in your mind like revolving doors. 

“O-okay. I’ll be there. I promise,” His voice thick, almost pleading for you to say more, just so he could hear your voice. 

“Okay. Bye, Eddie,” You hung up before he could say anything else, and you clutched a hand to your chest to try to calm your hammering heart. No backing down, now. You thought.  

You ride your bike hard and fast to the park, scanning with your eyes over the parking lot to find Eddie’s van. You spot it, near the back, and you steel yourself to see him as you hop off before your wheels hit the gravel, walking down the trail at the edge of the tree line and off the path, walking in the memory of the countless times you met Eddie here. As you near the alcove of red, orange, yellow, brown leaves, you see him, and you stop for a moment, not knowing if you can truly bear the weight of seeing him again. But you need this, and you can tell that he does too. His back is turned to you, head in his hands. You can hear him muttering something, but you don’t know what, and so you scan the ground to see if you can find a loose twig to step on to break him out of his inner world. 

Eddie’s head snaps around with the sound of the branch, his eyes red and wet from crying. You approach slowly, and he watches you, his face filled with wonder as he sees you for the first time in 8 months. “Y-Y/N,” He greets you as you stop a few feet away from you, your bicycle still in your hands. He sticks his decorated hands in his pockets, probably to keep himself from pulling you into him, and you take a deep breath, looking everywhere but his face. “What- I mean... How have you been?” The question strikes you deep in your chest. If only he knew.  

“I’m okay, I guess,” You finally muster the strength to look at him, and his eyes say everything. They scan over your face, over your body, remembering every detail like he’s seeing a ghost. “I um, no. That’s a lie. I’m not doing okay,” You feel a thickness in your throat, and you bite it back as you try to keep your composure. “You broke me, Eddie.”  

Eddie looks away from you, then, into the trees, like he’s following the tracks of some scurrying creature in the brush. “I know,” His jaw clenches tightly, and you see his Adam’s Apple bobbing in a swallow that you can tell is pushing down a flurry of words he wishes he could say. 

“What makes it worse, though...” You begin, taking a small step toward him. Eddie’s eyes flick over to you again, his mouth quirking down as he braces himself for the venomous words he undoubtedly deserves. “What makes it worse, is that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to stop loving you,” You have to grit your teeth to get the words out clearly, and you clear your throat as you try to keep the tears at bay. Eddie’s face contorts in confusion, his soft, tired brown eyes searching yours for the explanation. 

“What?” He takes a breath, a step, just a few inches closer to you. You still can’t tell if you find it comforting or not, but the magnetism between the two of you is getting stronger. Any closer and you wouldn’t be able to let yourself leave him. “You- you still love me?” Hope fills his features, and it’s like he’s found the fountain of youth. He instantly looks refreshed and rejuvenated, just by hearing the words fall from those perfect lips of yours. 

“But I don’t know if I can forgive you,” You confess, before Eddie can take another step. “Robin told me how hurt you’ve been, and I know that it’s been hell for the both of us, but come on, Eddie! I know you know that whatever pain you’re going through, mine is so much worse. At least you knew what was going on. At least you weren’t blindsided by this- this fucking nuke that fell right on us the minute you decided to take Chrissy home that night!” You’re yelling now, your bike pushed aside into the dirt as tears fall freely from your eyes. You want so badly to step closer to him, to hit him or kiss him or a combination of both, but you keep your distance, needing your mind to stay somewhat clear as you say your piece.  

“I love you, Eddie, but goddamn it, do I fucking hate that I do! Because I remember you and you are like rain in the desert! You are every sunrise and sunset to me, and I can’t even bear to look at them anymore because they remind me of you!” You’re choking your words between sobs now, your knees getting weaker as your breathing grows more erratic. Eddie’s crying too, you can see that through the tears, and his body leans toward you, ready to catch you if you fall.  

“Please, Eddie, please just--” You let out a scream of frustration, not knowing what you want from him, or yourself. You let your knees fall to the soft, leaf covered ground, your arms wrapped around yourself tightly as you sob, tears and snot pouring down your blotchy face, not like you could bring yourself to care. Your eyes are screwed shut so tight you can’t even see the light on the other side of your eyelids, but you can hear the soft crunch of leaves, and Eddie’s warmth as he grabs you, pulling you into him as he rocks the two of you on the ground in the middle of the autumn canopy.  

You push yourself into him, feeling his hands rub your back, his lips pressed hard against the top of your head as he whispers sweet nothings to you as you cry. You can hear him sniffle every once in a while as he cries with you. You finally move so that your arms wrap around him, your face finding its home in the crook of his neck, and you breathe him in. It’s so familiar, so goddamn intoxicating that you don’t ever want to let go. You stay like that for a long time, the tears wetting his t-shirt finally slowing, and then stopping, leaving only trembling limbs and breaths as you cling to each other in the darkening forest. 

“I never stopped loving you,” You hear him whisper into your hair. “Not for a single second. If I could take back every fucking thing I ever did to hurt you, I would in a fucking heartbeat. I would rather die than hurt you again. If you let me, I will spend the rest of my fucking life making sure that you’re happy, Y/N. I miss you every day, every second. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you, and when I finally sleep, I dream about you. You’re my everything. You are everything. I will never be able to tell you how fucking sorry I am. Please, baby, please, just give me a chance,” You can feel the warmth of his breath in your hair, his tears like rain gathering in the strands. Your hands clench around his jacket, your head shaking slowly as you try to find the words. 

“I don’t know if I can,” The sound is muffled by his chest, but he hears you, his chest shaking in a choked sob.  

“Just give me tonight, please. Let me love you tonight, and if you never want to see me again, I’ll let you go. I promise, I promise” His voice cracks on the words, repeating the phrase like a mantra, a prayer, a wish for you to say yes.  

You can’t fight the feeling, and you don’t know if you want to, but you lift your head and see Eddie’s face up close for the first time in close to a year. He looks ten years older than the last time you saw him, but he’s still so beautiful. His cheeks and eyes are pink and puffy from all of the emotion of the day, but he’s still there. The Eddie you love. You take a breath and let one of your hands touch his face, sweeping a couple of stray curls from his forehead. His eyes gaze into yours like you’re the key to the whole universe, the meaning of life itself.  

Your fingers trail across his cheekbone, down toward his jaw, across his lips. Your eyes are scanning over wherever you touch, committing every single detail to memory, because this may be the last time you’re this close to him. Your hand comes to cup his jaw, thumb brushing a stray tear from his eyes, and you lean closer, breaths shuddering as your lips gently graze his. Eddie lets you take your time, his eyes fluttering closed as you leave feather light kisses over his lips, just testing the waters. Finally, you slot your mouth against his with a little more weight, and you can feel Eddie’s face contort behind your closed eyes as he holds you even tighter to him. It’s the most dizzying kiss you’ve ever had, filled with every single thing you’ve ever wanted to say to each other. One of Eddie’s hands moves into your hair, carding through the soft strands, and the sound you make is pained and euphoric like nothing you’ve ever heard before. You feel Eddie’s tongue swipe across your bottom lip, and you open your mouth to receive it, relishing in the taste of him as the kiss deepens, the hand not on his face wandering under his shirt to feel the warmth of his abdomen. Eddie suddenly pulls away, his eyes darkened in the fading light of twilight. His hand finds your face as he stares into you. 

“I- I can’t do this here,” He looks around at the darkening forest, crickets starting to chirp in the otherwise still night. “Let me take you home with me,” He whispers, his eyes pleading, his forehead pressing into yours as you feel his sweet breath fan over your face. You give a quick nod, biting your lip as you instantly miss the feeling of his mouth on you. 

“Okay, let’s go home,” Eddie helps you up and grabs your bike, walking it back to his van for you, your arm threaded through the crook of his elbow. It’s quiet, but the air is thick with adrenaline with wanting. When you get back to the gravel parking lot, Eddie’s van is the last vehicle there, standing alone in the new light of the moon overhead like a lighthouse guiding you. 

Eddie hoists your bike into the back of his truck with ease, shutting the double doors with a loud creak before going with you to open your door for you. You don’t let go of him until the last second, and you pull his face to yours in a chaste kiss before you let him close the door for you, running around to the other side to start the car. The chill air is starting to seep into your bones, and you’re thankful when Eddie turns the heat on as he tears out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell, both of you dying to get your hands on each other again.  

The door has barely swung back into place when you and Eddie start tearing your clothes off each other, mouths pressed together, tongue and teeth starting to reacquaint themselves. Eddie presses you into the wall, your back breaking out in goosebumps as your skin hits, but they’re quickly soothed by his rough, warm hands wandering up your bare sides. You feel the vibrations as he moans into your mouth, desperate to feel you again, and can’t say you don’t feel the same. You reach for the button on his jeans when he pulls away, one hand going to grab yours as he shakes his head. “No,” He mutters, pressing warm kisses to your shoulder, up your neck, to just under your ear. “Tonight belongs to you,” He bends down, his arms scooping you up under your thighs as you let out a whimper, and he carries you like this to his bedroom, making lazy patterns on the skin of your collarbone with his lips. He practically kicks his door down, hoisting you up to get a better grip on you as he crosses the threshold before laying you down on his bed. He kneels in front of you, pressing kisses to your hips as his hands find the waistband of your pants, slowly pulling down the zipper as you writhe in need beneath him. “So beautiful,” he mutters into the skin, and you’re suddenly hit with the image of this exact scenario, but rather than you, it’s Chrissy. You feel tears threatening to slip from your eyes again at the thought, but you do everything to push them away, just needing to get through this. You need this, as much as Eddie does. Just try. Forgive him, forgive him, forgive him...  

Your underwear comes down with your pants, and you whine pathetically as you feel Eddie press hot kisses into the meat of your cold thighs, thankful to be pulled away from the disgusting thoughts infiltrating your brain. 

“E-Eddie,” You breathe. It’s so much sensation, more than you’ve felt in a long time, and you already know it won’t take you much to get you over the edge, if only the visions of Chrissy stay away. “Please, Eddie, I need you,” You sob. 

“I know baby, I know,” His lips graze over your dripping core, and his tongue takes a tentative lick, up and down, fingers digging into your hips as he lets out a pained sound. A harsh cry flies from your lips and one of your hands seeks his. “I missed this,” He whispers into you, his tongue finding a rhythm between your thighs. “I missed the fucking taste of you,” He hoists one of your legs over his shoulder, spreading you open a bit more as you grab at his hair. Your hips push into his face on their own, like they’re possessed with pure, wanton need. Eddie helps, pulling you closer with the hand not holding yours, his palm spread over your thigh, fingers pressed into the tender flesh to keep you still as he works you over. 

You don’t know how you’ll be able to take his cock, not when you’re already such a mess for him. You’ve always been sensitive, sure, but this is a whole new world. You’ve been longing for the feeling of him ever since the last time you were together, but it feels like the first time all over again, but even better. “I’m gonna let go of your hand, okay?” He glances up at you, eyes soft as you nod, letting his fingers slip from in between yours. The sounds you make come to a new point of needy and desperate as you feel him slip two fingers into your aching hole. You feel the cold metal of his rings hitting the hot skin there as he pumps in and out, fingertips curling so perfectly up into the velvet walls of your core where he knows will make you melt in his hands. You fist the sheets of his bed in your hand, hot tears slipping from the corners of your screwed-shut eyes as you let go, a white-hot bliss exploding all over your body as he sucks your clit. 

You cry Eddie’s name, a loud sob racking your chest in a crude display of raw, overwhelming emotion. You reach for him, needing him closer, needing his lips on yours so bad it hurts. When Eddie realizes, he wastes no time coming and cradling your body against his bare chest, pressing his lips hard against yours. “I’m right here, baby. I’m right here. I’m not gonna let you go,” He whispers between kisses. Your hands start struggling at the waistband of his pants, trying to push them down as tears continue leaking from the corners of your eyes. One of Eddie’s hands leaves your body only to help you push them down, and he shakes his feet out, kicking them away. “Let’s get comfy, sweet girl, I wanna take good care of you, okay?”  

You nod, still trying to catch your breath from the best orgasm of your life as you scoot back onto the center of the bed. Eddie leaves you for a moment to pull out a foil wrapper from the top drawer of his dresser, the place he always kept them, and another image flashes in your mind of when he did this for Chrissy. How many times was she here in his bed? How many times did Eddie make her cum? How many times did he cum for her?  

Your racing thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of Eddie’s lips on yours again as he kneels between your open legs. “I love you, so much,” He whimpers, one had resting above your head, the other coming to hold your face as he kisses you. But you can’t say it back, not when these images are flashing through your mind. You push them away, further than before, and try to keep your calm as you feel Eddie push into you, stretching you open as you both moan into each other. It’s been so long since you’ve had sex with anyone that it stings almost like it’s your first time, but Eddie goes slow, and soon, he has you worked open on his cock, pumping in and out of you languidly, both of you wanting to savor this feeling. Eddie gives a breath of a laugh, sweet sounds slipping through his lips as he whispers to you, “I- I don’t think I’m going to last, baby. I haven’t done this in a while. And you feel so fucking good. You’re so fucking perfect for me,”  

You wonder if he ever said that to Chrissy. You wonder, you wonder, you wonder, and soon, you can’t think of anything else. Your tears return, but now it’s not from an overwhelm of bliss, but from despair. You can’t forgive him, no matter how hard you try. You cling to him with new purpose, trying to remember every detail, every curve, every blemish, every freckle as you beg for more, wanting to feel what it’s like to unravel for him just one more time. It takes a bit longer than last time as you fight to keep your mind on the sensation, but soon, with Eddie’s sweet words and sounds filling your senses, you feel your core tensing, then fluttering around his cock, clenching tightly over and over again as you ride out your high. Eddie isn’t far behind, and soon, his hips stutter, and he lets out a whimper of your name as he cums.  

Both of you lay there together to catch your breath for a few minutes before Eddie gently pulls out of you to get you both cleaned up. Everything is white noise outside of your brain as you plan your escape. You can’t bring yourself to say it to his face. You’ll have to take the coward’s way out, even though it kills you. 

It doesn’t take long for Eddie’s breaths to even out with you wrapped in his arms, and you wait for a long time before attempting to get up, being as quiet as you possibly can to gather your clothes. As you search for your bra, you notice a chain sitting on Eddie’s dresser, the one he gave you almost a year ago, the promise ring still swinging from its center as you pick it up gently from the dresser. You can’t help but shove it in your pocket, the last piece of Eddie you’ll ever have, before going on to finish getting dressed. 

You have to inch Eddie’s bedroom door open slowly because you know it creaks, but you manage to slip through without having to open it all the way, bringing it back to gently click closed behind you. You grab your shirt from the ground in the living room, then, and go to the kitchen to find something to write on. You may be running away in the middle of the night, but he at least deserves a note explaining why. 

I’m so sorry, Eddie.  

I tried with everything I have, but I just can’t let myself be yours. Not when I can’t stop thinking about all the pretty words you said to Chrissy when it should’ve been me in your bed. I hope you can be the one to forgive me, now. I love you, and I always will. You brought me heaven tonight, for the last time. Thank you. 

You slip out the door, walking briskly toward Eddie’s truck just in case he wakes up, breath coming out in puffs of vapor, the temperature having dropped significantly since you were last outside. You try to open the back doors of Eddie’s van quietly, but it’s nearly impossible as the rust creaks and groans under the pressure. You settle on just one and struggle to haul your bike out, but you do it as quickly as you can, lip pulled between your teeth as the wheels bounce against the gravel driveway. You close the door as quietly as you opened it, which isn’t very, and you hop onto your bike, dashing away from the trailer under the cloak of night, your cheeks and nose freezing as you flee into the night. 

Eddie keeps his word. You never see him again. 

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 11 – A/B/O

AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT: AvengersNewB

When I'm in the mood for some really great A/B/O dynamics, I always turn to Ven. She really has a gift when it comes to turning tropes on their heads and making them her own. And I love, love, LOVE the way she writes omega Tony in particular. She's incredible, and her fics deserve all the love in the world.

Here's some of her work that I think you should check out:

Must Be True

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: E Words: 8,793 Tags: Lingerie, Praise Kink, Protective Steve

Summary: When the stakes are too high, Tiberius Stone offers his omega, Tony, as a little side incentive to close important business deals. Tonight’s business is an arms deal with the Avengers, and the alpha they’re meeting is Captain America.

Reasons why I love it: Ugh, Tiberius is such a piece of shit. Ven really captures that essence here. And oh my god, poor Tony, but at least he makes the best out of a horrible situation. I'd read a million more words in this universe, and I really hope you give it a shot too, because it's awesome!

Braid

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 2,378 Tags: Vikings, Arranged Marriage, Sharing a Bed

Summary: Viking Arranged Marriage AU - Young omega Tony is traded to the Vikings by Stane, for safe passage and gets married to alpha Steve Rogers the captain of the chiefly vessel.

Reasons why I love it: This one is so goddamned sweet, it almost makes me want to cry. I never knew I needed to read about Tony braiding Steve's hair, but I did, and Ven made the perfect version of it. The whole setting is amazing, and Tony's insecurities and doubts feel so real, it's like they're jumping out from the screen. I love this one more than I can say, so please go and experience it for yourself!

Never Enough

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 4,639 Tags: Insecure Steve, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Mpreg

Summary: "Tony, what I'm trying to say... I think you should have a baby even though I apparently can't have one. At least in the near future. I think...I think…" He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath." I think you should get bonded again"

Reasons why I love it: It's honestly refreshing to see a fic where Steve is the one who is completely insecure in their relationship. Their emotions read very true to their characters, and I love how Tony is so quick to reassure Steve that all his doubts are unfounded. Plus, the ending is so sweet it makes me want to scream into a pillow. This fic is amazing, so go ahead and read it!

Restless Gravity

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: M Words: 10,929 Tags: Warlord Steve, Temporary Amnesia, Cyborgs

Summary: Omega Tony Stark gets bonded to a human-hating space warlord, to get his people a new home after the destruction of their planet. Warlord - Arranged marriage AU, with a bit of a twist.

Reasons why I love it: This fic has it all. Amazing worldbuilding, a great plot twist, identity porn, incredible characterization and wonderful dialogue. I love this one to pieces, and I hope you go and read it, because it deserves all the love in the world.

Love of Inconvenience

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 4,856 Tags: Marriage of Convenience, Immigration, Mutual Pining

Summary: Tony had a plan; bond with Steve to keep him from deportation until he could find Steve's childhood friend Mr. Barnes. Temporary. For convenience. The plan did not entail falling for this perfect beautiful omega.

Reasons why I love it: Oh my god, this fic just makes me want to grab them and smash their faces together. It's so good! The way they finally get together in the end is so satisfying, and the journey there kept me hooked the whole time. I love this fic so much, please go and give it some love!

[starsurface]

^ This was the request above!! :D

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG MK11 Hanzo & Kuai Liang w/ MK1 Regressor Bi-Han Hcs

If we ignore the amount of CHAOS that would happen if MK11 and MK1 crossed universes, I think Kuai Liang would really like Bi-Han (he'd probably really like the entire Lin Kuei trio, ngl)

But Bi-Han? He's special, that's his brother in another universe, one where maybe he isn't fully corrupted by Quan Chi, one where he could be saved

Hanzo liked this Bi-Han because he hasn't hurt Harumi yet (does keep an incredibly close eye for weeks though)

Bi-Han on the other hand? He doesn't mind Subzero Kuai Liang, as he's a fellow Lin Kuei and a Grandmaster, but thinks he runs his clan weak

And Hanzo? Makes fun of him a bit, he's like 14 in his universe and rubs it in his face a bit

Kuai Liang notices the stressors that begin to make his own brother effect Bi-Han, and is very dead set of on making sure he's okay

He babies Bi-Han a bit too, shoulder pats, soft smiles, praises for simple things (he does still treat him as Grandmaster and a warrior though)

Hanzo does the same, dang it!!! It's like they're both set on destroying his title as Grandmaster?!

It makes Bi-Han feel . . . small, he only receives some of these things when he's tiny

And it doesn't help that Kuai Liang and Hanzo are nice, decent people, strict warriors, but stepping in for Father figures quiet easily for anyone who needs

They find out about Bi-Han's regression by complete accident

Kuai Liang insisting that Bi-Han should be checked up upon adter he screams at someone and angirly stomps to his room (an outlash from overworking and working with stupid people)

Hanzo following his husband around to make sure he doesn't cross any lines by accident (he needs some reminders that this isn't his Lin Kuei)

They end up finding a tiny Bi-Han, who was trying to read his book, playing with his stuffie and sucking his thumb

. . . There was a lot of yelling and crying (mostly on Bi-Han’s part)

It only stopped when Bi-Han tried to hit Kuai Liang and Kuai caught his wrist and told him sternly that he can’t hit people and it got Bi-Han to pause his little tantrum

Hanzo gets tantrums very often (as does Kuai Liang’s Bi-Han) and he used his old tricks to help him calm down

How? Many tricks, the candle fingers, punching a pillow, crying into Kuai Liang’s chest

Hanzo helps too, warming up his body temperature so Bi-Han can sit on his lap and rock him (it actually really helps Bi-Han stabalizd his emotions)

Bi-Han did completely ignore them afterwards, although they received a small thank you note and a gift

Afterward, Kaui Liang and Hanzo took more of a parent role for them (and the other brothers)

Bi-Han will sometimes sheepishly come to them while small, maybe even venture to their universe!!

Kuai Liang helps encourage Bi-Han to coke outside more while he's regressed

Whether he's in the Shirai Ryu Gardens, or Kuai Liang's Lin Kuei Snowy Gardens

^ Bi-Han is super hesitant to venture outside while small, but is slightly awed by How accepting both their clans are (his clan isn't there yet, unfortunately)

Bi-Han likes having little snow days at Kuai Liang's Lin Kuei

But it has to be in Kuai Liangs secret little garden area!! >:(

Bi-Han really likes Hanzo's hugs (they're warm) and will shyly tug on his gi to sit on his lap

Bi-Han's tried to regress in the Shirai Ryy Gardens, but he didn't like how passers by would wave or look at him (they werent judgy, it's judt not often that Grandmaster Hasashi has friends over)

His fishies were cool though, hes have to tell MK1 Harumi to get some

Also agreed that Blubber was a stupid fishy name and received many headpats from Hanzo :D

Both realize very quickly that Bi-Han is more of a calmer regressor (favorite activities being coloring and taking a nap)

So Hanzo and Kuai Liang make sure to have extra paper and crayons at their place just in case

Bi-Han got incredibly upset when he came over one time and found his drawing on the fridge >:/

Excuse me, someone could see that?! Why would they dare put that up?!

They took it down . . . Only to place it in their room (Bi-Han really can't win over here 😮‍💨)

Both Hanzo and Kuai Liang try to do little shows with their powers!!!

Kuai Lianf makinf small snowflakes, Hanzo making small flames

Its be perfect, if it wasnt for the fact that Bi-Han is now super insidtant that he can do what they do

. . . This causes a small . . accident that involves ice, a now frozen dressor, and a sobbing toddler

Bi-Han didn't get into too much trouble, Hanzo wasn't able to fully fix the dressor (it got broken and scratched), ans Bi-Han had to serve one of his first ever timeouts

^ They did make sure to tell gim that they didn't hate gim, and it was a mistake, and he wasn't naughty or a bad boy (Bi-Han usually freaks out badly at timeouts, but also understood thar he couldnt get Scott free with what he did)

He did repay them from the dressor, Hanzo and Kuai Liang told him he didnt have to, but he felt really bad, especially since they told gim he cant use his powers when hes that tiny anyhow

Hanzos better at deciphering Bi-Han's nonverbal ques slightly better than Kuai Liang

Kuai Liangs really good at it too!! Hanzo just picks up on them faster

Bi-Han's been staring at his sippy cup for a few minutes? It might need to be refilled, first one to notice wins (it turns into a small game between the adults)

They get Bi-Han some little gear too!!

. . . It caused Bi-Han to freak out, and it's kept in the MK11 universe, but he's really happy to have some new things

He was very adimate that if they were going to buy him a baby cup, it might as well be a sippy cup, not some stupid bottle

But, uh, Bi-Han actually really likes using bottles (drops his sippies too often) and both men are more than happy to bottle feed him around nap time

^ Hanzo was the first one to ever bottle feed Bi-Han, Bi-Han was really fussy around nap time and hey, it worked with Takeda when Takeda was tiny

Bi-Han gets really embarrassed at the action . . . But also demands for him to do it because he doesn't like falling asleep without the action

Kuai Liang does it too, Hanzo was just the first (Kuai Liang looks so proud when he's doing it though that it makes Bi-Han fuss until he's happily drinking his milk)

Hanzo’s cg nickname is Papa

And Kuai Liang’s cg nickname Dada

Bi-Han gets many nicknames, Bi-Bi, Little One, Sweet Thing, Tough Guy, Grumpy Pants

Bi-Han HATES Grumpy Pants >:(

Hanzo called him it once (a nickname he learnt from his Johnny) and Bi-Han pouted for hours afterwards . . . Which proved his point, but whatever 🙄

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Hope these are okay!! The ideas really cute, I like cross timeline stuff. I can always do more or a pt 2!!!

(I'll add the emojis when I'm not at the dentist and doing Tumblr from my phone <3)

[regulusrules]

New to your blog, I was wondering if you have a Merlin fic rec list that's just your favorites. I unfortunately missed the Merlin fandom back when the show was airing so I always feel like I'm just missing the greatest stuff from other people

Hello friend! Welcome to my humble abode of a blog (which resembles more of a Merlin waste disposal). Like you, I missed the show when it was airing, but honestly when you stay as long in this fandom as I have, you will constantly be exposed to wonderful creative energies that give their all. It's a timeless fandom, one of the very few, and no matter when you enter it you will always feel fulfilled. :)

So, favourite fics! Gosh, how can I fit 2K+ bookmarks in one ask. When it comes to this fandom, I admit: I have no life. I've read a real huge number of fics throughout the years, but sometimes it's inevitable for fics to get lost in a sea of bookmarks. So to make things easier, I'll write you some canon fics that immediately come to my mind for how unforgettable they were.

No order; each one has its own chamber in my heart.

Short fic recs (1K-50K)

1. Our broken pieces by @aramblingjay. 10K, T, Canon Era, Hurt/Comfort.

Am I purposefully putting this one on top this time so that everyone who stumbles across this ask could check it out? Yes. Yes I am. Is it my personal mission for the fandom to give this fic the love and kudos it deserves? You bet it's a big overbearing yes. And yes I want you to cry and feel your heart twist with agony because of how beautiful it is. My eyes never shed tears for a fic before this one, and never will after it. There is something in the way the author broke Arthur that just resonated in my innards. And the way Merlin was there for him, not a placebo "I'm here" but there, in all actuality, doing so with every fiber of his love, made it something else. I like to believe that this fic was crafted so perfectly in a parallel universe, and sent to us as a blessing we never knew we needed.

2. Beauty in the Ashes of Our Lives by Fulgance. 21K, T, Canon AU, Magic Reveal.

This is probably the umpteenth time for me to recommend this fic, but I won't stop. I can't stop. This fic ruined me so slowly, and healed me even slower. All my Merlin friends do not believe why this would be one of my favourite fics of all time with what Arthur did, but honestly, it's the fact that the writer wrote it so convincingly that makes me crumble internally. It isn't easy to write angry Arthur, and it's even harder to write him grief-stricken, but here, the author blended both elements so perfectly. It's impossible to forget this fic. It's worth your every second.

3. Linger On Your Pale Blue Eyes by supercalvin. 18K, T, Canon Era, Touch-Starved.

Will this fic linger in your heart? It sure as hell never leaves mine. Every once in a while, I have to go back to this fic and read it like a morning paper. Some fics sustain you.. this is definitely one of them. Most of @supercalvin's fics are of sustaining material. They are made with such depth and broad understanding to the characters that you should take notes. There's this one line that everytime I cross this fic I instantly remember and I go to the nearest pillow to just AAA a little bit. When you reach it, I'm sure you'll recognise it, and I'll be waiting for you to come AAA with me.

4. Dower the Stars by RurouniHime. 40K, E, Golden Age, Pining Arthur, BAMF Merlin.

I don't think anything levels the levels of intimacy in this fic. It is one of the best Arthur characterizations I've ever read. His boundless love and pining for Merlin— oh my heart. Also, the world building and amount of research that must have been done for this fic is astounding. I was this close from following the author's footsteps and, idk, writing an entire research paper about Arthurian lore or something. The moment I read it I immediately wanted to contact the author and just tell them WHY ARE YOU BLESSING US WITH ALL THIS INSTEAD OF PUBLISHING IT?? It was amazing. I reread it a month ago for the third (fourth?) time and found myself gasping and aweing as if I never read it before. It keeps being an experience every time, one so worthwhile.

5. from hearth and ashes, we’re reborn by @remuscariad. 5K, G, Canon AU, Magic Reveal, Hurt/Comfort.

Earthshatteringly-poetic isn't a made-up word powerful enough to describe the beauty of prose here. There are fics that you open and immediately know that you're sold: this was one of them. Its summary alone dropped my jaw down to my neighbour's floor. The dialogue is so meticulously crafted it feels like reading a piece from a past era. Genuinely beautiful.

6. Half of my soul by marvelxpendragon. 2K, G, Post-Canon AU, King Arthur/Court Sorcerer Merlin.

This fic is half of my soul, as the poets say. So what if I reject the canonic ending and resort to pain myself with fics like this instead? I sometimes feel we, as a fandom, try to up the angst of the finale so that we forget how painful it was by bringing even MORE pain. But it's pain that I delight in, because it's pain that MAKES SENSE. Yes give me MCD but with a freaking beautiful life like the one this author gave us. Make me believe it was all worth something. Make me believe they lived.

7. whisper to the flame by @missfaber. 16K, E, Canon AU, Wounded Arthur, Hurt/Comfort.

*clears throat* *prepares for a mental scream*TELL ME HOW YOU LIGHT YOUR FIRESSSSS *clears throat once more and pretends I'm okay*

So, as the author wrote, this is indeed a love letter to the two characters we love more than anything. More than anything, I loved the fact that the author gave Arthur agency to think and act and be a king, even when he was still a prince. Even in most fics where Arthur already knows, this isn't common. So whenever I find a fic that has Smart!Arthur and a lovesick one at that, I would vouch my life and soul for it. Also Protective!Knights is the best thing in the world, ok? I would die for this discourse for real.

8. As a Sea Shell by bathilda bagshot (wellthengameover). 12K, T, Canon AU, Slow Burn.

Okay, so this fic is only bookmarked "Agony until 7 AM", and with that, a rush of drowning memories always come crushing my soul. I lost sleep and SANITY over this fic. I was thrown from a cliff and kept hanging in the air without a respite until the very END. I read it a couple weeks after the finale and it broke me even FURTHER. I was promised growing old together, and it was a big LIE. And yet I love it so, so dearly.

Honourary biased mention:

9. My heart is readily yours by yours truly. 11K, T, Canon AU, Protective Arthur, Hurt/Comfort.

Sometimes I don't believe I had it in me to write this. Like.. what, dearest self, the hell were you thinking. With tyismso, I somehow balanced fluff and angst— a solid magic reveal fic. But this one? I only knew ✨pain✨

.. and I don't regret a thing.

[Long fic recs]

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Don’t Go Blindly Into The Dark

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Meanwhile there is a darkness growing in Ketterdam, and it seems a killer may be stalking the streets of West Stave. An unknown evil is closing its jaws over the city, and it’s starting to feel like nowhere is safe.

Tags: @justalunaticfangirl @lunarthecorvus @i-need-help-this-is-my-obsession @devoted-people-hater

If anyone else would like to be tagged let me know :)

Content warnings for this chapter: ptsd, violence, attempted murder references, self-deprecation, implied references to gambling addiction, vaguely implied drug or alcohol abuse, implied past child abuse

AO3 link

Chapter 52 - Wylan

It was almost four bells half chime when Wylan woke, gasping for air, trying to cough non-existent water out of his lungs and grapple away from the shadow of hands that weren’t actually wrapped around his throat. He fumbled in the dark, almost falling off the little bed, and eventually found himself curled on the warped wooden boards with his head pressed against the mattress behind him and his knees drawn tight up to his chest. Breathe, Wylan. He was trying.

The nightmares were hardly new, but that didn’t make them any easier. He remained on the floor for some time, counting to five over and over again as he tapped his fingers against the floorboards. Thumb first, the others in quick succession, lift them again - palm still flat against the wood - then start over. One two three four five. One two three four five.

His other hand rose to his face, he wasn’t sure if he’d really meant for it to or not, and began to trace slowly over his scars. He could feel the press of the knife against his skin, the wet blood dripping down his face as it mingled and mixed with his tears. Breathe, Wylan. One two three four five.

Ghezen, he was pathetic. You’d think after spending most of his day crying on Nina’s settee that he’d gotten over himself by now, but apparently not. Wylan hated that he could not control this feeling, could not stop it, could not hold a pillow over its non-existent head until it stopped thrashing and then bury what remained of it somewhere deep and hidden in the woods.

It took several minutes, or maybe longer, he wasn’t sure, for Wylan to pull himself up off the floor and stand, shivering, in the centre of the room, uncertain of what to do next. He hadn’t wasted the precious little money he had on nightclothes so slept in a vest and undershorts, which were quickly proving useless against the cold of Ketterdam - especially after the storms that had ravaged Kerch these past few days and were expected to continue. It wasn’t raining now, or at least not heavily enough for him to hear it on the window sill behind his closed curtains, but the air was cold and damp from it all and Wylan’s room at the boarding house was nothing if not draughty. He didn’t own a watch or timepiece of any kind - why would he when he couldn’t look at it? - but peering round the edge of his curtain determined that dawn would arrive within an hour or so. Not fancying a return to sleep, and having been a naturally early riser anyway - though not usually quite this early - Wylan did not feel any allure back to his flat little pillow. Well, except perhaps for the warmth that even his thin duvet would provide better than just standing here. He lit a candle with shaking fingers, dressed in the half-darkness, wandered to the bathroom down the hall to wash his face. There was no running hot water, of course, but there was at least a slightly pathetic cold tap that he could make do with.

What to do, then, with these extra hours of his day? His first thought, painfully, was of his flute. At home he could have slipped quietly into the music room and stolen the time away for himself; lost himself in the flow and rhythm of the notes and let the world melt away around him.

“It is excellent that he can play, still,” he’d overheard his new nanny telling his music tutor, in and amongst the first few lessons after the accident, “He needs to feel that he has not lost who he was before,”

“It will limit him that he cannot see the sheet music though,” the tutor had replied, “He could have been a great musician, I think, but now? It will be much harder to develop his skill any further. Still, he is a child, and he needs a hobby,”

“You underestimate his memory,” the nanny said, “Play him the song first, name the notes out loud for him if necessary. Trust me, he’ll find the tune,”

The music tutor had not sounded convinced, but he put her theory to the test all the same. And she was right; Wylan, once he knew what the outcome was supposed to be, could feel the shape of the music and translate it into the movement of his fingers without ever being presented with a page of sheet music. It had opened a new avenue, a new release, a kind of safety in the music that Wylan didn’t have the right words to express the importance of, or how much he needed it.

But now his flute was ruined, full of water, warped out of shape and still sitting lonely at the bottom of his bag. Even though he’d emptied everything else out of it since Jesper returned his things to him, he could not bring himself to lay hands on the carcass of his beloved flute.

What else would he have done, on mornings like this at home? Sat at his bedroom window and watched the sunrise, not having to worry that anyone knew he was doing so, but judging by the grey sky it was going to be too cloudy to see much of that - and it wouldn’t start for some time yet anyway; worked on one of the sketches he kept hidden at the bottom of his wardrobe, beneath the floorboard he’d managed to prise up with a stolen - borrowed - hammer when there was work being done on the house, but he had no papers or drawing materials here because he hadn’t risked putting them into the luggage his father would surely search; crept downstairs and round to the back of the house to see Anya, before Anya was gone. The few friends he had here, if it was safe to think of them as such, would either still be sleeping or soon going to sleep though, wouldn’t they? The Barrel may have been an almost nocturnal place but this was the inbetween, the liminal part of the day’s cycle, where some were almost ready to wake and others almost ready to sleep.

It was that thought, of the Barrel and of the people that he was maybe allowed to call friends, that hit him with the memory, the acknowledgment, of what he had done last night. Or rather, what he had done two days ago, and what the Dregs had done last night thanks to his handiwork. He suddenly felt very cold again.

That had apparently settled it, though Wylan didn’t remember consciously making the decision, and he pulled on his scuffed shoes to walk straight to the Slat. He didn’t dare go anywhere near the bridge itself - there were sure to be stadwatch officers, crowds, angry citizens of the Zelvar District, maybe even Council Members all gathered around it. People who might recognise him. And anyway, Wylan wasn’t sure that he could look at it. The remains of it. What if someone had been crossing it, or even just nearby, when someone lit the fuse that Wylan had built? The canal water was pressing at his chest. He briefly thought he might throw up.

He wanted, he realised both unsurprisingly and yet somewhat unexpectedly as he made his way through the narrow streets along the journey that he had easily memorised, to talk to Jesper. He didn’t know if he wanted to tell him that the bridge was on his mind, that he couldn’t stop thinking about it, but he probably didn’t. He was embarrassed, he was ashamed to realise, that he felt remorse. This was the newest on a long list of places that he didn’t fit in, another world where he could never belong, and he didn’t want any of them to know that he didn’t know how to exist here, to be like them. But he did want to talk to Jesper. To listen to him talk. To be near him. Maybe he would describe the sunrise to him, the way he had the sunset on the steps of the University Library. Maybe Wylan needed a cold dose of reality.

But there was still the feeling of Jesper’s hand against his, his arm around Wylan’s shoulders, Wylan’s head against Jesper’s shoulder. Jesper’s fingers moving so lightly through Wylan’s hair.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t. It couldn’t. Because Wylan could never tell the Jesper the truth, and lying to him was slowly burning him from the inside out. Not even Wylan was stupid enough to push anything here; he knew it only ended with the flames engulfing them both.

If Jesper was at the Slat by now, he would surely be sleeping. Wylan knew that. He’d gone in search of him last night and only found Raske, who told him that Jesper was working all night and into the morning at the Crow Club. Jesper seemed to spend a lot of time at the Crow Club. Wylan had wandered back to his boarding house alone, not entirely sure why he’d gone seeking Jesper out in the first place.

As he approached the Slat now it wasn’t exactly louder than he’d expected, it seemed the house was loud at all hours, but definitely busier. Maybe these people just didn’t sleep at all, maybe their existence was maintained entirely by other forces. But if you studied them for long enough, Wylan thought, you could hear something cracked beneath their joyous voices, see a weight inside their eyes, something slick and black and heavy wrapped over them like a permanent funeral shroud to trap each of them in their own individual, endless night. These were only imitations, he realised, of the emotions that had first seemed to exude from every crack and corner of this place. These were people who had given in to the fear that Wylan felt tugging at him; the want to never sleep again, to fill his mind with something, anything else. They were half-burned phoenixes, yet to find their way out of the ashes.

Was it easier that way? He wasn’t sure. Maybe it just came with its own, fresh kind of pain.

“Hey! Hey, Hendriks!”

It took Wylan a moment to realise that these shouts were directed at him. He’d been weaving his way through the crowds slowly, cautiously, not really sure what he was doing, where he was going, if he even had an aim, but now he turned towards the source of the sound, pretty sure he recognised the voice before the shape of a boy came running into view. Roeder. The boy that Kaz had sent to follow him for Saints only knew how long.

He marvelled, privately, at the transformation that had taken place in Roeder between the boy he’d met and the boy standing in front of him now. The first had worn shadows like a cloak, wrestled thugs off Wylan’s throat like it was no sweat off his back, carried weapons that glittered in his hands like stolen jewels dipped in blood. This boy felt younger; his cheeks were flushed, his hair tousled, his smile eager but maybe had the tiniest hint of nervousness. His voice crackled in the air like it had a physical presence. Wylan was pretty sure he’d been drinking.

“Where’ve you been?” he asked, like he was greeting an old friend. His words were ever so slightly breathy, as though he’d been exercising; Wylan had seen this boy fight, if briefly, he knew the run across the Slat shouldn’t have winded him like that, “Fahey’s not here,” he added, “if you were look for him,”

Wylan shook his head, not quite sure what to say, and Roeder’s smile might have widened ever so slightly, just faintly, like something was softly tugging on the corners of his mouth.

“You can join us if you want,” he pointed to a group Wylan mostly didn’t recognise, draped over a small sofa and set of spindly looking chairs across the room, then seemed to catch himself before saying: “We’re in the back corner, to the right. I can introduce you,”

“Oh, I, erm-” Wylan wasn’t really sure where that sentence was going.

“Ah, come on,” Roeder’s hand landed on Wylan’s shoulder, not an unfriendly gesture but Wylan flinched all the same.

Roeder didn’t seem to notice.

“One drink,” he continued, still not moving his hand away, “That’s all I ask,”

Wylan tried to say something but the words refused to take shape, dissolved in his tongue like granules of sugar. He stepped back slightly, and, thank Ghezen, Roeder let go of him.

“C’mon,” Roeder said again, beckoning him, “we can-”

“Roeder,”

Wylan and Roeder both jumped at the sight of Inej, appearing as if from nowhere, melting out of the shadows and rising into being as though she were actually part of them herself, now manifested into a physical form. He hadn’t had cause to see the Wraith often, but he’d been ceaselessly impressed by her ability to erase and reconstruct herself each time he had. He was also nervous, after knowing she’d stayed silently in Kaz’s office whilst they spoke, that she also suspected he wasn’t being entirely truthful about his sight. It made him wary of her; he hoped to avoid her where he could, but it seemed it wasn’t ever up to you whether you found each other or not. And then, of course, there was still that this was Inej; this was the girl who’d sat down next to him in a Chemistry class and talked to him like no-one at university ever did, the girl who’d asked him for help with Kerch translations and to explain nucleophilic substitution, the girl he’d walked with between classes and thought he might be able to call a friend. The girl who’d lied to him. But then, once again, who was Wylan to demand the truth from anyone?

“Kaz wants to talk to you,” she said, eyes still so fixed on Roeder that it was as though she’d barely noticed Wylan was there.

“What does he want?”

Inej only shrugged and Roeder sighed, glanced back at his friends for a moment, then Wylan a strange, short goodbye and wandered off, straightening the lapel of his ugly jacket as he went. Only when he’d vanished up the stairs did Inej say:

“Everything went off without a hitch. The money will take a while to come in, and it will have to be laundered through one of the Dregs’ businesses first, to be safe, but it shouldn’t take too long,”

Wylan swallowed tightly, nodding.

“Whose-? I mean-”

Inej watched him for a moment, with dark eyes that seemed to cut straight through his skin and see deep within him.

“The bridge is only three years old, and the collapse doesn’t look intentional. The architect’s other work is suddenly going to be called into question, including the biggest ice storage in the Warehouse District. They’ll send inspectors to the ice house and find several unforgivable violations; the ice house will close, the price of ice will suddenly rise. The Dregs have stock in one of the smaller ice storages in town - and, as of two days ago, a deal with a very successful fishmonger who will unexpectedly have to raise his prices when it suddenly costs him so much more to keep his produce cool,”

Wylan stared at her. They were tampering with the markets. Embarrassingly, his first thought was that’s illegal. But then he was struck by something else: this was the way his father thought; the way the entire Merchant Council protected their fortunes.

“But that’s…”

He swallowed his words as he realised he was about to say clever. He had not appreciated how much thought, how much preparation, how much detail, there was; how much this was business. He could’ve been sitting in that stupid Economics of Business and Markets class zoning out the lecture and pretending he didn’t know that Jesper, not that he’d known his name back then, was staring at him from across the room.

Still, this didn’t explain all of it, did it? Jesper had said they had to keep someone distracted all night; what role did the card tables play in any of this?

It was becoming very clear to Wylan that information was a currency in the Barrel, just as much as strength and cash and blood, and between Kaz and Inej he was pretty sure he knew two of the richest people in Ketterdam. He just had to make sure they didn’t manage to steal anything from him.

[mostofthingsmostofthetime]

My thoughts on Fiona & Cake so far -

* Sailor Moon style Fiona & Cake AU? Ahh, yes, please! Would tottally eat that shit up.

* Ice Prince? God Damn these show runners are really gonna have me simping for every possible version of Simon (except Ice King, who just made me kinda sad)

* Don't know the name of the style, but Fiona & her world are so cute

* Love that they gave Fiona's thighs some chonk. She's a grown woman she should have a grown women's body (obviously everyone's body is unique but you get what I mean) without needlessly sexualsing her (or so far anyway, but I hope that remains true to the end of the show)

* Marchel Lee is cool as fuck & I'm pleased so far with Donald Glover's performance

* Wow, it took me way too long to get who Hunter was supposed to be

* The male human version of LSP is just 'correct character design' in every single way

* Oh, so Gary dyes his hair in this universe. That makes sense.

* I get that they're sticking to established gender bend cannon, but I gotta be honeet I miss Peppiment Butler

* Also dosn't it seem out of character that this version of Pep But is not only "above" this version of Bubblegum but is so horrible to him when (despite his "shady ethics" he was shown as genuinely pretty loyal to the princess in the original series)

* The first intro was so cute but the second (& I guess permanent one now) is fucking awesome (just have to be careful about the glitches coz they hurt my eyes)

* Why am I so down bad for this depressed old man lol

* Marcy, I'm happy for you, girl, but you need to check on your dad

* Oh yeah, Choose Goose is evil now & I don't want to see him anymore

* Little girl, please leave that old man alone

* Actually, are all the "future people" this rude all the time? Like get out of that man's house.

* Not prismo hiding fanfiction in Ice King's head, lol

* The red suit bounty hunter is a dick but at least his design is cool (& weirdly attractive when his not going all Cthulu)

* Can the show stop showing us Simon's ass? Like, isn't he going through enough as it is? There's no need to keep humiliating him!

* Feels weird to find Finn hot now, but well, can you blame me? Coz like...Damn. Also, when shit hits the fan, I don't want him blaming himself. I mean at least he tried to help Simon.

* The Jake tattoo 💔😭 but hey, at least we know now that him & Finn will eventually get reincarnated together

* Sorry but I don't really like Cake's "new" design she went from cute to creepy (think it's something about the eyes) & no hate to the VA but I'm not loving her voice either

* Not too big of a fan of Cake in general so far tbh like I don't hate her or anything, but I think Jake was just so funny, wise & likeable (+ had a much more appealing design) that it's gonna take a while to get used to her & if I'm being honest I'm also unsure of how I feel about Fiona so far

* As Finn's human mum is bassically just computer code, does that mean she can't ever go to the afterlife & be reincarnated to be his mum again? Like if her software (or whatever it's called) gets destroyed, then that's it, game over? She just never gets to be his mum again? When she barely got a chance to, in the first place. I'm gonna cry!

* Farm world Finn makes me sad

* Old regular dog Jake deserves all the head smooshes, thank you, Cake

* Wonder who Finn's wife was in that world (maybe an alternate version of his wife from the pillow diamesion?)

* Not Finn's son playing out a Romeo & Juilet storyline, lol

* Jesus this show should have been rated F for flamethrower

* Wait no did bug Man just kill dad Finn (making his kids orphans)?

* Brian David Gilbert, is that you!?!?!?!

* OMG, shut up! GumbLee just randomly deciding to hang out with each other was so cute 😭💖

* Oh, so Winter King is super fucked up.......well, at least he looked cool & could sing (poor ice Marcy)

* Speaking of singing, omg The Candy Queen! As coo coo for coco pops as she was, that blender song was iconic (shame about her people though, hope she doesn't end up blaming Fiona)

* Butch (am I allowed to use that word?) soldier Bonnie, toxic Yuri & GumLee kiss all in one episode? Oh, I know the gays were being fed, lol.

* Ooh, there's that sweet, sweet character development I was hoping for, for Fiona (still waiting on Cake's)

* Evil Marcleline's wardrobe is not a want but a NEED!!!!!!!

* Dammit Prismo I know you don't mean to, but you gotta stop flapping your yap, or you're gonna get Fiona & Cake killed

* Fuck Miss Abadeer all my homies hate Miss Abadeer

* Good thing Cake is getting a handle on her powers

* I don't know how to feel about human Huntress Wizzard

* No, the one world (so far) where Martin isn't terrible & he dies!!!!!!!

* Yes, Simon, your existence helped someone!!!! Even looking like John Lennon on Crack, you were a good dad (considering the circumstances)

* Not Huntress wizzard to!!!!!!

* Oh shit the remote. That's probably not good

* Well, at least Cake didn't become vampire food

* Wait, we really don't get to see if alt Bubbline murder/suicide each other?

* Baby Finn better survive the vampire world, or I'm gonna lose it

[beepboopkek]

— I will always come to your aid (AMAB!Reader)

AFAB!Reader has also been posted! including: Jing Yuan cw: !!NSFW!!, amab!reader, grammar and spelling errors possible, pwp but barely, hinted that reader has a s1ze k1nk, f1ng3r1ng, reader is a little sarcastic, still spreading my Jing Yuan is a Bastard (affectionate) agenda, masturbat1on, getting caught masturbat1ng, d1rty talk, cum eat1ng, no use of y/n, reader can be interpreted as the trailblazer but they are NOT stelle/caelus, safe sane and consensual w/c: 2k a/n: people liked strip starchess so much so here is another one of my brainrots... i dont usually like this troupe that much but i find myself excusing anything and everything for jing yuan so here we are. for my female reader likers i got u, its being posted right after this so you guys can enjoy too :3. also just remember that this is NOT stelle/caelus, its the you haha, i dont like shipping the raccoons with anyone as a personal pref so I'm just making that clear :3. anyways same warning as last time this is like my third time writing smut and also english isn't my first language. enjoy!!

The crisis on the Xianzhou Luofu was mostly over.

Which meant you had to leave the man you had fallen head over heels in love with.

Well— love may be an exaggeration but you weren't fucking around when it came to him.

Jing Yuan.

Your eyes had been hooked onto him the second you two met, his pleasant smile, his calm demeanor, his body—fuck, everything about him enamored you.

You could only wish that there was some other universe where he reciprocated your feelings.

You departed with a respectful nod of the head, despite wanting to smoosh your face between his pecs and cry about never getting to see them again.

The only hope that you did have though, was the jade abacus he had gifted you and your companions.

“No matter how astronomically distant you are, The Luofu Cloud Knights will always come to the aid of the Crew, whatever your need may be.”

Of course, his next sentence was to not use it for trivial matters when he saw March’s reaction, much to your amusement.

There was a discussion on who should keep the jade abacus, March being ruled out first much to her annoyance.

It landed between you and Dan Heng and given his history with the Xianzhou Luofu, he handed it to you.

That's how you ended up here, standing in front of your locked door with the abacus in your hand.

What if you grip it— You need to rinse your brain with cold water at this point…

You flopped onto bed, letting the exhaustion of the day seep into your bones as the plush blanket and pillows surrounded you.

You threw the abacus to your side, you'll take care of it later, not like you're gonna need it right now anyway.

Your mind flooded with images of Jing Yuan, his voice and everything you had been through together.

Fuck.

Your hand drifted towards your dick, already feeling some pre-cum gathering at the thought of what you were about to do.

— Touch yourself to the thought of the General of the Cloud Knights on the Xianzhou Luofu, one of the most powerful beings to ever exist in history.

You shook your doubts away, he's just Jing Yuan to you.

You took off your shorts in record speed, tossing your boxers along with it.

You never really touched yourself that often so you tried to imagine your hand being his instead.

You rubbed the head of your cock, gasping at the cold touch of your fingers on the warm flesh.

How would he touch you?

He'd take his time, surely. He's not one to rush things— He'd work you open slowly for his cock—fuck, you're sure it's in proportion with how goddamn large his body is.

You moaned as you inserted two fingers inside your asshole. You wanted to imagine Jing Yuan doing it, really, But, you also wanted an orgasm quickly so you can sleep. So, you just decided to go with imagining his voice talking to you.

You pistoned your fingers in and out, curling them at the spot only you could reach with your much smaller hands.

It was too intense, the thought of his deep voice guiding you through was enough to get your orgasm to graze along the edges of  your belly slowly, building up to be a strong one.

You grabbed the blanket next to you, gripping it tightly as you whispered Jing Yuan's name and continued thrusting your fingers inside you.

You swear the normal part of your brain recognised you gripping an object while gripping the blanket as well but you were genuinely too out of it to care in the slightest.

You're just about to orgasm when everything in your room rattles, as if there's an earthquake. 

Which should be impossible considering you are literally on a massive train that travels through space.

You let go of the blanket and sit up in shock, looking around to see what happened.

…With your fingers still inside you.

“Followers of the Nameless, I am here to assist you, tell me about the situ— Oh.”

You blinked.

Jing Yuan blinked.

Oh. Fuck.

You scrambled, ripping your fingers out and slapping your lower half with a pillow.

“J-Jing Yuan I-” 

You gulped, trying to calm your racing heart, you just got caught masturbating by your crush.

Life is going great.

Your cheeks and ears were beet red now, opening and closing your mouth as you tried to say something, anything to get you out of this situation.

Jing Yuan was just as surprised, if not astonished, by the scene that had unfolded in front of him.

He was finishing up some paperwork that Lady Fu had so kindly delivered to him in the Alchemy Commission when suddenly, the jade abacus he had clipped to his belt loop started vibrating.

Not one to panic, he quickly unhooked it and got it closer to his ear, so that he could hear what the Express were asking of.

What he didn't expect was to hear the voice of his crush, the one that he has acquired after decades of not entertaining any romantic relationships, whispering and calling out his name.

Okay, maybe now he should panic.

Without a second thought, Jing Yuan summoned his weapon and gripped the jade abacus back, signaling it to teleport him to your location.

Paperwork be damned he would rather lose a 100 years of his life if it mean you would be safe.

That landed him here, in front of a half naked (and very surprised) you.

He dissolved his weapon into thin air and folded his arms against his chest.

“Well, this is a surprise.”

“Wow, you don't say.”

Jing Yuan raised an eyebrow at your tone.

“S-sorry, I don't know how you got here.”

An interesting turn of events.

“... Did you not call for me?”

“No, Why would I? Even if I did, how did you just…magically appear here?”

“Oh, dear.”

“What?”

“The jade abacus. I think you… I think you gripped it while you were…busy.”

He looked into your eyes and back down at the pillow that was barely covering your lower half.

“The jade aba—” 

You cut yourself off, turning to your side to where you had thrown it, only to find the wretched object to be in the center of your crumpled blanket.

“Fuck.” 

“Jing Yuan— I am so, so , so, sorry, I swear this was an honest mistake and I'll—”

Jing Yuan cut you off with the raise of his hand. “I forgive you.” “Really? Great let me j—”

“On one condition.” Of course there’s a catch. You sighed begrudgingly.

“What do you need help with?” “Quite the opposite, actually.” Your eyes widened but before you could let out your protests, Jing Yuan spoke up again. “You let me help you finish.” The gall of this man.You’re still going to take the chance that he doesn’t know what you were doing. “Finish what?”

You tried to sound innocent but your voice came out breathier than you wanted it to be. “Dont play coy now, you know exactly what I mean.” Your face burnt in embarrassment as you looked away. Jing Yuan dragged your desk chair and got it to the front of your bed before sitting down and making himself comfortable, propping one leg on the other and leaning back. “Go on, show me exactly what you were doing before I got here,hm?” “I can’t.” Jing Yuan paused, shit, had he misread the situation? Maybe he should—

“I can’t do it without you.” You had covered your red face at this point, way too embarrassed to look him in the eye while speaking. Jing Yuan just about lost it at that, abandoning all doubt and pouncing on you, grabbing your face to take you in a devouring kiss. He threw the pillow covering your bottom half in a random direction, quickly pecking you on the cheeks before pulling your hand over his. “Guide me.” You nodded shyly and pushed his hand towards your hard cock again. Fuck. His hands were just the way you imagined them. Warm and big, enough to hold your own two hands.

His hand (under your guidance and insistence) wrapped around your dick. “I’ve barely touched you, were you letting out pre while we were talking, hm? Did it turn you on to have me catch you in such an embarrassing state?” Jing Yuan whispered in your ear as he hovered over you and you thanked every Aeon known for this opportunity because fuck, your imagination did not do any justice to how good the general was. Jing Yuan gave your cock a few strokes before using the pre-come as lube and dipped the tip of his finger in your asshole, not entering but adding just enough stimulation for you to feel something there.

“Answer me.”

“No, I swear I didn’t, Jing Yuan, please—”

Jing Yuan smiled, he didn’t know you would be this easy to subdue.

He gently thrusted his finger inside, watching your face for any discomfort or resistance.

But, he was only met with your blissed out face, as you gasped in pleasure from his ministartions.

“Were you able to reach here?” He curled his finger upwards, hitting your sensitive spot just right.

You threw your hand over your mouth, pinching your mouth shut and praying, once again, to all the aeons you knew that the other passengers on the Express were dead asleep and couldn’t hear you. Granted, your room was the last in the carriage and had a decent amount of sound proofing but, you were still not risking it.

Your snapped out of your worries when Jing Yuan pushed in another finger alongside the one that was already in you.

“It looks like you’re getting distracted, maybe I’m not doing my job well enough?”

“N—Fuck, Its good, I’m sorry—Shit—”

Jing yuan simply kissed your head affectionately like he wasnt fingering you to hell and back right now and picked up the pace of his fingers.

Your hand was just gripping his wrist and you werent sure if it was to egg him to continue or get him to slow down and stop.

Maybe both.

Your head rolled back on the bed, exposing your bare neck to Jing Yuan as he immediately took the opportunity to cover your neck in kisses, Aeons be dammed. There's no way hes letting you walk out of this room unmarked and not carrying any proof of the evening you spent with him.

You gasped as Jing Yuan wrapped his other hand around your dick and your orgasm finally, finally overtook you. You shook in the general’s grasp as he continued thrusting his fingers in and out, drawing out the pleasure.

Taking his soaked fingers off your dick, he popped them in his mouth, savouring the taste while you recovered from the intense bout of sensations you just went through.

You propped yourself up on your elbows again, looking at Jing Yuan owlishly as your head cleared from the horniness.

Jing Yuan only smiled at you before holding your head and kissing your forehead again before gathering you in his arms.

“Call me old fashioned or old but I do believe in the proper process of courting someone and,”

He looked into your eyes as he cupped your face in one palm and brushed the thumb along the seam of your chin.

“I think we skipped a few steps.”

“Yeah, no shit, general.”

He laughed at that, his chest shaking as the deep sound rumbled from his throat, you blushed again.

You were in the arms of the man you’ve wanted to kiss since you stepped foot on the Xianzhou ship. You covered your burning face with your palms again as Jing Yuan’s laughter died down into little chuckles.

“We did all of that and youre getting shy now?”

“Shut up. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

“Wanted what? To get fingered by me?”

“No! — I mean that too, I guess, but I meant being held by you! Stop playing games, Jing Yuan.”

Jing Yuan only laughed as he took his free hand and grabbed your hands, turning them towards him one after the other and kissing the palm.

“I jest, I jest. But, I must stay here for the night. I’m afraid I can't travel back to the Xianzhou Luofu seeing as we aren’t closeby.”

You smiled.

Jing Yuan’s eyes twinkled in mischief right back at you.

“Be my guest.”

[madstronaut]

I have updated this comment because I have been ramble-typing in my notes about how it literally arrested me and threw me in angstyhorny jail (bonk) and also I want to add it to my faficorantlist

BE WARNED, ABANDON COMFORT ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE (angst fic lovers, flocketh yonder), lol I told greeny going back to point out my favorite parts was akin to ripping open stitches, and also putting myself back into my unreliable narrator mode this fic had me recalling from when I was screaming on a similar emotional rollercoaster several years ago...

how do you even describe the weird mishmash of experiencing an immediate crush AND heartbreak and then the fucking theater of having to hide/pretend while having the two clashing feelings roil in your stomach like vomit??

"You laugh and slap her arm playfully as you leave the room. You’re an expert at that now" YEP THIS IS HOW humor can be such a mask sometimes

"On the off chance Soap arrived when you were coming out of the shower, he only ever looked at your eyes and quickly got out of your way." the absolute dissonance when the heart and mind war with each other...one pointing out hey this is why they appeal to us but also the other realizing simultaneously this is why we will never appeal to them PARADOX THY NAME IS READER (and 2018 me) 🥹

all the little bits about soaking up crumbs of attention while watching the flatmate feast - and seeing soap act so friendly with reader because they love them through the friend and feel safe with them - shredding my pillow, sheets, all the linens in my apt in angst for reader </3 </3 </3

"You put the chocolate in a drawer because you didn’t want to get used to tastes you couldn’t indulge in."

"He smiles, you smile. He leaves, you remain."

reader going outside to talk directly with price, the convo opening with "It was cold outside, bitterly cold."

"You knew better than to beg, to make compromises, to ask for a chance. Nothing would convince him. Maybe another woman could. But not me. So you turned to humour because it was safer than being vulnerable."

With wet eyes and a wobbly voice that you couldn’t hide, you say “so you think I’m pretty?” 🥹🥹🥹🥹 reader pls let me give u hugs, pep talks, set u up with someone-

He hits you with a look that you’ll never forget.

RAGGGGGHHHH THESE QUOTESSS I NEED A FUCKIN MEDIC

“In another life-“ he quietly began.

You cut him off, agreeing, “in another life.”

me, everytime I see fic title pop its head up in the story 😂😂

also me, consoling myself while consuming angst: there IS another life, and that is the fan-fucking-tastic universe of fanfiction, bless ye, fanfic writers, bless ye

You wish you could be in someone’s inner circle, but instead you were grateful you could float around theirs. once again crying for reader and also who has not felt this before?? picturing my emo highschool self, listening to linkin park while commuting on my sony discman, pre-finding my people in college. if I could i would go back and let madstroteen know it's gonna be okay (I wouldn't actually do so, of course, because rules of time travel duh)

"your flatmate shouted at the top of her lungs “you and the Captain huh?! Practically undressing each other with your eyes!”

“You never told me what happened with you both that night.” She asks, brows knitted in concern for you while her heart was shattered.

also god the angst is so palpably good like i can chew on it because both flatmate and soap, individually and together, are so well fleshed-out and are good friends - and a great couple - WHICH OFC ONLY ADDS TO TEH FUCKING ANGST AND DRAMA OF IT ALL

‘What cannot be said will be wept’ - truer words have never been spoken, when reader starts to sob right afterwards under the guise of "soap was so good to flatmate" like ugh the heartbreak but also the relief of finally being able to let out her feelings, even if its veiled - UGGHHHHH yes let it outttt

reader overhearing the wild monkey sex and yearning/getting off only to end in wallowing...my GOD reminded me of the total ouroboros of despair of 'need to get rid of feelings so I can heal and get new feelings for someone else and move on - but fuck i can't look at all these feelings currently taking up space - oh whats that are they growing FUCK - i need to get rid of...'

good news tho, friends - IRL this cycle can and will be broken, the power of Christ compels you- no but really sometimes it takes some painfully slow and steady exorcism-level intervention by yourself+community to do so

--------------------------------------------

This fic fucking destroyed me in the best way

i haven’t been in this exact situation (thank FUCK i think my innate love and loyalty for close friends would physically/spiritually/chemically/legally/emotionally not allow my mind and heart to even entertain the thought…so far, and hopefully forever) but I have definitely found myself with feelings for unavailable people (i am absolutely religious about respecting/keeping certain boundaries IRL but…sometimes with just the right and random cocktail of circumstances, situations and interactions, feelings just fucking bloom) and coming to terms with that with myself and ruthlessly working to destroy those feelings (while also feeling like I couldn’t confide in anyone/talk about it openly out of shame) was fucking brutal in every sense of the word

looking at you 2018-2019 situationship where I heard [redacted]’s voice before I saw him and fell hard at first sight hearing; discovered later he was Not A Good Idea™️🙃 after he came on way too strong and raised all the yellow-reddish flags, but maintained what turned into a close friendship (that everyone else thought was more than) to see where it went organically but because our heartspace/heartpaces were different had to watch him fall in love with someone else that people said was a clone of me… maybe this fic was closer to home that i thought 😭

i avoided certain songs foods fuck even places and movies for the longest time because i had to take time to untangle it emotionally from the other and heal from the scars of ripping it away from myself…BUT IT IS POSSIBLE DEAR READER 🫂🫂🫂 (i will give reader a happy ending in the multiverse of my mind lol)

I would like to give both reader and evergreeny a huge-ass hug and a long uninterrupted walk together through the cherry blossom colonnades/around the reservoir in central park in springtime to pep talk and decompress and process 🌿🫂💚🌸

------------------------------------------------------------

so that lil bit between the lines was my original comment but then ofc the beauty of fandom and tumblr is the interactions and community and had to add some thoughts after the ever lovely @evergreenfields reached out and messaged me and basically was like i love that my fic killed you but ALSO ARE YOU OKAY lol

I hope this isn't taken the wrong way but as I told greeny, In Another Life holds a special position in my mind palace halls with a couple of stories/movies that I have vowed 'Once Was Enough, Never Reading/Watching Again' because of how heartrending/devastating it was, how it will haunt me for awhile, and because it helped to purge some incredibly strong feelings in a surprisingly healing and draining (good) way - truly, a cathartic work of art

(I re-read it again tho just for you greeny 💚)

I love happy endings but i am just as much a sucker for standalone powerful tragic stories when told right (and FUCK WAS THIS DONE WELL) because as the late, the great Tony Stark once said, "a part of the journey is the end" and also cos hindsight is 20/20 (are these quotes corny? yes. do I love them? yes.)

One of the reasons this story hit me so much in the feels for me is that I was reminded not just of IRL heartbreak and defeat, but IRL healing and victory afterwards - slowly, surely, to a degree that really eclipsed the heartbreak in a really spontaneous, beautiful, unexpected, and eucatastrophic way (shoutout to my IRL beloveds) - the wisdom and perspective I have now, I would not have earned without having gone through what I went through - truly, something money cannot buy. Healing is possible and can happen even long after wounds have scarred over <3 (also tbh the alchemical powers of writing/fanfic when an author's work meets the reader and the various lifelens by which they absorb the fic - the result just creates emotional IRL magic and fireworks basically)

I will end my rambles with two quotes this fic reminded me of:

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” - Ernest Hemingway

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S. Lewis

(yes the narnia dude, I fucking love narnia sue me ok)

In Another Life

Hurt, no comfort, angst, I’m ready to break my own heart.

Your flatmate is dating Soap and he’s everything you want.

Pairing: Soap x your female flatmate, one sided female reader x Soap, Captain Price x reader.

CW: MDNI! low self esteem, character death (spoiler, not explicit), catcalling, voyeurism, masturbation, PIV sex.

A/n: I hella projected lol. Reader is broken.

——

Soap is dating your flatmate.

Most men that your flatmate brought home were wet wipes, but this guy was some kind of special forces. His eyes were electric blue and he had the thickest eyelashes, he went by Johnny but he also went by Soap, you never learned why. You had to mentally pinch yourself while staring at him, he was everything you wanted in a partner. You hated the creamy mess in your underwear when you were in his company.

He was muscled and shaped like an upside down triangle, you had to look away when he would pop out from their room in the night. Muttering “sorry ‘scuse me” as you squeeze past the narrow corridor, ignoring the rumble of his “no no, I’m taking up all the room, lass.”

You caught his thighs and bulge in his compression shorts when he left for a run in the morning. Later, your flatmate traipsed into the kitchen muttering “I can hardly walk after last night, let alone run!”

You laugh and slap her arm playfully as you leave the room. You’re an expert at that now. That’s not to say you were never happy for her, but your phone was currently not blowing up with your latest dating app matches.

——

On the off chance Soap arrived when you were coming out of the shower, he only ever looked at your eyes and quickly got out of your way. He only had eyes for your flatmate. You got to your room and stood in front of the mirror and wondered what your flatmate and other women had that you didn’t.

——

Soap was full of energy, ready for a laugh but very protective. You would listen from your room when he dropped her off late at night after a raucous night out on the town.

“Call me tomorrow, alright?” His voice is muffled.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Just call me when you wake up. You look like you need a lie in tomorrow. I’ll bring you breakfast.”

Tomorrow morning comes and Soap is early with a bag of food from a brunch spot nearby, he even brought you a coffee too. You thank him too much, maybe it wasn’t the coffee you were thanking him for.

——

Your flatmate and Soap came home late one night absolutely drunk out of their minds, they wobbled through the front door trying to dance to a song playing on his phone. They see you and it’s like they have heart eyes.

“Y/n, it’s y/n, THE GOAT!” Your roommate yells.

“The GOAT!” Soap hollers.

They both flop into the sofa either side of you. They’re too drunk to notice your teary eyes. You pushed the soggy tissue into your sleeve.

A dance tune starts up and before you can even recognise it, Soap bounces up with hands held out towards you both.

Your roommate grabs one hand.

You’re next.

You take Soap’s hand and you arc off the sofa, he’s strong.

You’re pressed up against his side. He’s hard, large and warm, you try not to enjoy the bodily contact as you all boogie to the song. You start to smile until you remember he isn’t yours.

——

“It’s only 2 days but I’m so excited,” she talks about her friend’s wedding in the south of France, “I’m wearing this dress” she flicks through her phone gallery “and Johnny is going to wear a kilt!” Muscled calves, big smile and rugged hands clasped at his front, Johnny looked like a million bucks.

“I love it, you’ll match!” You managed to squeeze out. You imagine the memories they’ll make and photos they’ll take. That night you have a 2nd date, you are excited by the fact he has asked you out again. It filled you with something resembling happiness.

You are meant to meet at a station out of town but you couldn’t find him at the small station and the path towards the car park was unlit and dodgy. When your date found you, he was annoyed that he had to pay for parking. He kept throwing red flags at you.

But still you slept with him because you wanted to feel touched and desired. You regretted it and then you had to take the train home later that night because he “had an early start to work tomorrow.” You wrapped your jacket around yourself to keep out some of the cold, trying not to be annoyed that he didn’t even attempt to make you orgasm or show any aftercare. You delete his number from your phone.

Later that weekend, the duo arrived home.

“We bought you back some chocolate!” Your flatmate says, Johnny swings his bag off his back, he passes it to you with 2 hands like it's a bar of gold. It could have been, with the way you looked at it.

“Aww guys you didn’t have to.” Your mouth is dry.

“Johnny found it, I didn’t know you were a sea salt and caramel fan!”

You put the chocolate in a drawer because you didn’t want to get used to tastes you couldn’t indulge in.

——

“He’s a prick, forget about him.” Your flatmate says pointedly about a new guy you were dating.

“Oi who’s a prick?” Soap walks into the kitchen, taking your flatmate’s waist in his hand.

“No one-” you turn away.

“A fuck boy that y/n isn’t seeing any more.” Your flat mate sounds proud by what wasn’t her decision.

“He isn’t a fuck boy.” You know you’ll regret clarifying the point, “we didn’t fuck, so he’s not. He’s just a prick.” You and the conversation. Soap whistles.

Later that night when you’re washing the dishes, Soap approaches you.

“Listen, forget about that guy,” he says low, you’d follow that voice anywhere.

“Thanks.” You squeak quietly.

“You will find what you're looking for, keep pushing and you’ll look back on this shite with a smile, maybe a misty eye, ey?” He bends forward to catch your eyes as you were trying to avoid them.

He smiles, you smile. He leaves, you remain.

The suds disappear and you turn off the tap, left in silence.

That night, they have muted sex, you hear their attempts at muffling moans and stifling strained grunts. You hear the bed frame squeak on the last hardest thrusts, then silence for a while. You imagine they feel warm, tingly and flushed, chests heaving. Eventually you hear footsteps come and go from the bathroom, the toilet flush going and the door shuts again. You wait for your heart rate to stabilise and your heart ache to subside.

——

“We’re going to the pub, wanna join us? Johnny’s friends are going to be there.” Your flatmate asks you.

You wonder if they’re as hot, funny and protective. You tell yourself you’re just going along for a chat, but part of you hopes it leads to something more; you put the hopeless in hopeless romantic. Put yourself out there, that’s what everyone says.

You wear a nice outfit that makes you feel pretty, your confidence isn’t abundant but you’re feeling yourself.

You arrive at the pub, you meet them, you chat, you drink, you leave.

Nothing about the evening was bad, his team were really nice, all huge and charming in their own ways. Their Captain was a greyhound with an intense gaze that seemed to follow you. Gaz’s girlfriend arrived and you thought you heard some rumblings about Ghost being pushed to date.

The Captain was receptive to you, leaning in to listen, you thought you saw him glance at your lips and legs. He helped you off the tall stool you were sitting on, taking you by your waist to help you down. You know not to push, men hated when women pushed. Well, they hated when you pushed. And you didn’t want to make anything awkward between you and your flatmate. So you left without asking for his phone number or a date, but he hugged you tightly and held your gaze for longer than you thought usual.

When all three of you got home, your flatmate shouted at the top of her lungs “you and the Captain huh?! Practically undressing each other with your eyes!” You laugh and immediately feel your ears going red. You were stoked that someone else noticed because you thought it was all in your head, as it usually was.

You didn’t notice Soap put a hand out to stop her.

“Babe. Babe-” he says “don’t go there.”

Your heart tightens. Your flatmate puts her hands on her hips, confused and a little offended as if to say ‘I know what I saw.’

“It ain’t like that, the Captain is… Price is… Look, he’s married to the job.” Brows knitted, the jovial spirit replaced with seriousness, “we don’t sit around and talk about it but he ain’t the type to mess around.”

You play it off “we were just talking, it’s not a big deal.”

It hurts when Soap says “good, because he’s a lifer.”

You close the door to your bedroom and mull Soap’s words in your tormented mind. The fuzziness you felt replaced by emptiness.

Part of you willed it to be wrong, that you were the woman to pull the Captain out of his self fulfilling and self imposed prophecy. You almost laughed at your audacity.

“I can’t even get a text back, why would he be interested?” You stare at the ceiling, the alcohol left your system and the room was uncomfortably still.

���—

“You like tha’, lass?” you hear Soap rasp, you’re not sure if he’s taking her from behind or if he’s on top of her. The faint slaps, skin on skin, indicate it’s either doggy or the standing position your flatmate had once whispered about. The loud moans indicate it’s good.

You don’t breathe. You just listen.

“Oh god, Johnny please!” Your flatmate whines, the force of his thrusts evident in her stuttering voice.

You close your eyes and see yourself with Soap under you, knees folded under his bulging arms, hips pistoning into you with ferocious need. You argue with yourself but then you quickly surrender and slip your hand into your knickers. You draw tight circles on your clit while your eyes burn with tears unfallen. Undiluted shame and need fills you. You breathe sharply through your nose and then hold your breath, staying as quiet as possible. Both of your hearts raced, thumping against your ribs.

“Tha’s it,” you hear his muffled voice grunt. You imagine his massive hand grasping your breast, your hand follows. Their bed frame groans but yours is silent. Your flatmate’s voice gets higher in pitch and she comes loudly, he grunts, swears, the mattress squeaks. You push two fingers into yourself and quickly find your spongy spot, electricity rolls through you.

You come undone shakily and silently, tears springing immediately from your eyes as you ride the wave of your orgasm. Your hand clasps across your mouth as you try to stem the noise of your sobs. You feel disgusted and disgusting. You wipe your eyes with your sleeves. You check your phone, no text from him. You manage to fall into a restless sleep.

——

One night, you and your flatmate encountered an asshole at the station.

“Nice bit of skirt, that.” He leers at your flatmate.

“Fuck off, you prick!” You shout back without breaking stride, not caring he was bigger than you. This confidence was new to you. Or was it anger?

When you arrived at the music venue, your flatmate told Soap what happened, you couldn’t hear them as the music was loud and you were at the bar. You could see the look of concern and regret on his face. He stormed over to you and he pulled you into a bear hug.

“Thanks for taking care of her,” he says to your temple. He releases you but keeps his arm around your shoulder as you wait at the bar, his weight is comforting and protective. He then helps you carry the drinks over.

He adds “I’m sorry Gaz and Cap couldn’t make it, paperwork.” You’d heard that one before but this time you gave yourself the benefit of believing it.

During the gig was a slow acoustic song that hit a little too close to home so you snuck out to the toilet to wait it out.

But you could still hear the music as you leaned against the stall and picked at your nails, doing breathing exercises you’d read about, through your tears.

——

You began to feel like the only man in your life. You even treated yourself to a massage because the touch deprivation reached a fever pitch.

You scroll through the website trying to find an available masseuse. Their headshots were small but you were on the lookout for a man with a thick neck and prominent traps, you knew the silhouette you were looking for. Your masseuse didn’t have a Mohawk but he was close enough that when you closed your eyes, his hands, his pressure and weight became Johnny’s.

——

You were invited again to a party with the squad, moods were good but there were hints of them being away for an extended mission. While you heeded what Soap said about Price, you wanted to know it from the horse's mouth. You bantered with the Captain, and he bantered back, at first. It turned to flirting and you playfully slapped his bicep, joking that you could drink him under the table, knowing well enough that you couldn’t. You ignored the looks from Gaz and Ghost - it’s like they knew something you didn’t. And they did.

You found yourself outside with Price. He’d asked only you to come outside, you felt giddy at the prospect of him wanting to be alone with you. He was smoking a cigar, you stared at the lit end, hoping it revealed some kind of secret you could finally be privy to.

It was cold outside, bitterly cold.

“You’re a lovely girl, y/n, you’re, smart, pretty, ballsy,” he says, almost to himself. You’re immediately familiar with the tone. What came next would hurt. Your breathing quickens and there’s a pit in your stomach.

“I’m not in a place where I can give you what you want, what you deserve, darlin’.”

The alcohol seemed to dissipate from your system. Rejection was one hell of a way to sober up. You look down at your shoes and chew your lip to stop it from trembling.

You knew better than to beg, to make compromises, to ask for a chance. Nothing would convince him. Maybe another woman could. But not me. So you turned to humour because it was safer than being vulnerable.

With wet eyes and a wobbly voice that you couldn’t hide, you say “so you think I’m pretty?”

He hits you with a look that you’ll never forget.

“In another life-“ he quietly began.

You cut him off, agreeing, “in another life.”

You both went indoors and you summoned a smile from the deepest recesses of your being. You left early that night.

——

It was with bated breath that you left your room ready for your date. You were in a beautiful outfit that did wonders for your confidence. You spun around a few times in the mirror.

Johnny was at the foot of the stairs and he looked at you with his big blue eyes, you’re sure you saw his pupils grow. Your phone buzzed but you ignored it because you enjoyed being under his gaze.

“Look at you! He’s a lucky lad!”

“Wait, let me see!” Your flatmate's voice came from the kitchen.

Your phone buzzed again. You pull it out to see a stream of texts from your date.

“Oh you look gorgeous, girl!” You barely hear your flatmate. Blood rushes to your ears.

You read out the text message.

“Sorry can’t make it, hungover lol.” You sound distant, as if it wasn’t related to you.

“Fucking prick.” Soap says with no hesitation.

“Y/n…. Babe.” Your flatmate pulls you into a hug but you’re limp and embarrassed.

“Fuck it, I’m going out anyway!” You exclaim, pretending to be okay you practically rush out of the door.

The door shuts behind you. You want to cry but you squeeze your eyes shut and start to walk towards the station. You don’t last long, your vision is wet and nose runny. You end up at a riverside cafe, watching the world go by without you. What a shitty year, you tell yourself.

——

You hear a hushed conversation a week before Soap is due to leave for a few weeks. You kept your headphones on and nodded at them when you walked past, giving them privacy.

You wish you could be in someone’s inner circle, but instead you were grateful you could float around theirs. You put a mental reminder in to take your flatmate to dinner while Soap was away and to keep her from watching the news.

——

“Turn it down!” You yell at your flatmate while you go to answer the door, the radio is on blast while you both cook.

Through the peephole you see the unmistakable beard of Captain Price.

“Oh John, hi!” You can’t hide that you’re happy to see him. But then you notice his grave expression.

“Hi love, sorry to come by unannounced,” he’s standing straighter and his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Is your flatmate around?”

“Yeh, come in.” Your stomach drops. You didn’t need to call out, your flatmate is already by the door.

“No,” she recognises the look.

“I’m so sorry, love.” Price says quietly.

“Oh god no!” She cries out and sobs, her entire body shakes.

You put your arms around her but your eyes are on Price, wet and unflinching, waiting for the confirmation of the news.

His blue eyes are overcast and tired, he nods and looks down.

“We’ll have to take you onto base if you wish to go through matters,” Price says quietly. You helped your flatmate get her coat on, understanding that you couldn’t go with her.

Price dropped her home later that night, you plated up some food for her but she couldn’t eat. You hugged each other on the sofa until one of you fell asleep first.

It felt like Soap would be bursting through the door with his infectious energy at any moment, but the silence was deafening.

——

You weren’t invited to the funeral as it was behind closed doors. You didn’t know what to do with yourself, you went from crying to intense panic attacks to bouts of guilt. You missed him, you missed his presence. You thought about the way his eyes would light up when you suggested shots at the pub, how he’d walked you both home and how safe you felt. Sure he wasn’t holding your hand but for a moment, you felt wanted, taken care of and significant. You felt terrible for mourning someone else’s partner so deeply and intimately.

Price came by a few times in the next few months, sometimes you were home, sometimes you weren’t. When your flatmate finally came out of her room, her eyes red and complexion weak, she would walk around the house like an apparition.

“I can’t do this without him!” She would plead, “I miss him so much.” You rubbed her back, silently wiping your tears, telling her you were sorry, over and over.

“John came by today, he sends his best.” She says.

“Bless him,” you say quietly, trying not to read too much into it, because all the meaning you longed for wouldn’t come.

“You never told me what happened with you both that night.” She asks, brows knitted in concern for you while her heart was shattered.

“Soap was right about him.” You said, “and that’s okay.” You breathed, hoping the more you said it the more you would believe it.

——

‘What cannot be said will be wept’ you read the quote over and over, you’d seen it online and it immediately brought Price into your mind.

His visits became less frequent, but he came by again to check in with your flatmate. He looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders and you wanted nothing more than to pull him into an embrace and comfort him.

“Come in, she just got in the shower, want a tea while you wait?”

It had been 6 months since the news.

“How are you holding up?” Price asked.

“M’okay, trying to be there for her as best I can.”

“I know it isn’t easy for you either.” He said, “you’re doing good by her, you’re a good friend.”

Guilt and shame rushes through your system, you didn’t feel like a good friend.

“He was so good to her-” you start to sob, hands across your mouth, willing it to stay inside so you never have to confront how you really felt about him.

You’re surprised to be suddenly in his embrace. John consumes you, you’re completely surrounded by him. You grip his jacket, afraid to let go. His right hand rubbed your shoulder blades and his left hand held onto your waist tightly.

“I’m sorry love,” he whispered, “and I’m sorry I wasn’t good to you.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything John, you haven’t done anything wrong.” You sounded throaty.

“I made you believe in something I couldn’t give you.” His voice is quiet, you feel it against his chest.

“In another life,” you manage to sob his phrase back to him, he can feel you inhaling hard, trying to catch your breath.

“Another life.” He says back, kissing your head.

“Take care of yourself, John” you say with a ragged voice looking straight into his eyes. You grab your bag and push past him out of the door. You can still see his sad eyes in your mind.

Immediately you regret leaving while he was still available and present. But then you think if he wanted to say more he’d have done so. Life is choices, he made his choice. And I wasn’t one of them. Your legs take you away from him, into the bitter cold.

[beatsboy]

6.14.24 @ 1:21 am

today’s horoscope was the kind of message i wanted to prove wrong out of spite, merely because of how anxious i felt, how uncomfortable I anticipated myself being before I even arrived at the hotel. And yet, the moment when we want to prove the universe wrong are often the moments when she likes to make a point. Sometimes the most healing thing can be her humbling.

I don’t want to be thinking about the fit of my shirt, or the fact that I haven’t smoked weed in multiple hours, or the fact that my pants are too big and my blazer is too small, or the fact that I have an unwritten card in my bag that I’ve been waiting to find a pen for (even though it’s a card I don’t even like), or the fact that I haven’t seen the groom in over two years and I’ve never even met his brde-to-be and I don’t even know why I was invited to this wedding let alone why I accepted the invitation because I thought in the post-COVID world we were tightening guest lists not expanding to everyone we ever knew and I’m not even invited to my cousin’s wedding, so why the fuck was I invited to a friend I haven’t been close with since college when it’s been 5 years since I graduated?—but that’s not why we go to weddings. That’s not why we show up for the people we love at all. So, I took some bathroom breaks to hide in the AC, timed evenly apart, masked up, and socialized for the sake of the person who actually did want me at his wedding (I was invited, I remind myself, he wants me here).

There are all these parts of me that were created, molded by people that I barely talk to anymore. And yet, here is this person who is still extending a literal invitation to me to continue being in theirs. Mo was a friend of mine who showed me by example how real friends show up for each other. Today, I remembered when, once in college, on a night when I was way too fucked up and way too triggered, crying about a boy who wouldn’t text me back, and was ultimately ghosting me, after we’d had sex and he’d triggered me back to the rape I’d pushed down my throat for six months in the way he pushed me down, Mo had to follow me home. Back then, before I got sober, when I got fucked up, I became a runner. Out of nowhere, I would start running, deciding I needed to either A) get. out. of. there. or B) go home immediately. In this scenario, I wanted to walk home alone, which I often wanted to do at the end of the night when I was sad, which was not a good idea for so many fucking reasons, but I was stupid, young, and drunk.

After so many failed suicide attempts, I felt like I had been let down by death in some ways, like a creature plagued with immortality when all it wants is to die. So, I lived like that for a while. Reckless, like nothing could kill me. Like I was invincible. And then, in that motel room that night, when that man raped me (I think his name was Jason actually), when my face was stuffed in the pillow while he pushed me down, when I realized I might not make it out of that hotel room alive, when that choice was no longer mine and was suddenly floating above my head, it scared the shit out of me. When the creature, who thinks it is immortal, is faced with mortality, for even a second, it shakes the creature to its core. And every moment that reminded me of him, of that night, brought me back to that feeling, knowing how fragile this shield, this strength, all truly was.

So, that night, feeling triggered and abandoned again from another man who never had any of the things I was looking for anyway, I insisted on walking home alone. All my friends tried to argue with me, insisted it wasn’t safe and I should just uber home with them. They weren’t wrong. But it was a fifteen minute walk, I pushed. I need to be alone. Why I couldn’t just get my own uber, or literally just wait to be home to be alone, I don’t know. But the questions of a sober mind to a drunk memory are rarely helpful. My friends, distraught and over my bullshit, go home after I accept the terms of Mo following me home from a safe 6 foot distance. Giving me space to be alone while also making sure I got home safe. He got nothing from this at all. He was just there for me. Even though, frankly, although I was triggered, I was being a bit of an asshole.

[unhingedhearties]

This Is Exhausting And Depressing

I had to take a break from archiving the unhinged behavior of When Calls The Heart fans. Some of this stuff, especially archiving TeamE83Liz/UnlovedHeartie’s stuff, just wears you down. She’s been posting several times a day, but it’s the same disgusting behavior. Call Erin a whore, call Ben something dehumanizing, get pissed that Erin owns a dog, bitch about her being too private then bitch about her posting photos of friends and loved ones instead of LARPing as a character she plays, cry about how she’s ruined your life because she didn’t pretend marry the handsome man on TV. I really think we’re witnessing the beginning stages of behavior that’s going to lead to something dangerous, but there isn’t anything that can be done to stop it. I think at this point the only course of action is to archive it so that in case it gets deleted it’s never sent to the realm of “that never happened” and hope it doesn’t escalate.

Let’s try and get through some of these posts.

No Liz, actors are not “the MOST richest people on Earth”. Some are very rich, but most aren’t actually living in mansions the size of small towns. I have a feeling that goes double for the actors that mostly stick with Hallmark. Ben Rosenbaum is a fine actor and he seems like a sweetheart, but let’s be honest here. The man has less imdb credits than fingers. I don’t think he’s rolling in $$$. Erin’s an Executive Producer, but she also lives in one of, if not the most, expensive cities in America. These two probably live comfortably (as in they aren’t panicking over bills every month and can afford to take a vacation once a year) but I doubt they’re sleeping on gold pillows. 

This is like a child’s understanding of the world.

Actor’s love it when you don’t think of them as real people.

Bae, wake up. New conspiracy theory dropped. Erin has a second, super secret Instagram account just for friends and family. How selfish. Or rather, how “disgustingly, annoyingly, irritatingly” selfish. Doesn’t she know the fans are entitled to know everything about her? It’s a mystery why Erin wouldn’t want to share more of her life with fans like Liz.

Oh if only! If only Liz had known everything about Erin right away. Then she wouldn’t have “fallen in love with her” (super creepy). It all makes perfect sense. If she knew everything about Erin, she’d be happily naive. She needs to know more about Erin’s personal life, unless it’s her friends, family, boyfriend, pet and interests outside When Calls The Heart. That stuff Erin needs to stop posting. It’s ruining Liz’s life.

So Erin went a whole 11 days without posting anything during the Christmas/New Years break and Liz went into a tailspin over it. I have no idea what her incoherent ramblings about Erin’s makeup is about. 

“4 ‘BLANKS’ DOG UGLY IT WHERE GOOD PHOTOS” etc. etc. 

“Her privacy pisses me off to the core!!”

How funny would it be if one day Erin just makes her account private? Just as an April Fool’s goof or something. 

…I thought the reason Liz was having this extended tantrum was because Erin wasn’t married. Why would the thought of Erin being engaged make her chimpout this much?

Oooooooh, that’s it. It’s actually not about Erin living with someone before marriage, it’s about Erin being in a relationship with someone Liz (a woman Erin’s never met and hopefully through God’s grace never will) doesn’t approve of because Liz is the main character of the universe and woe betide anyone who acts without Liz’s blessing.

Ooooh my Gooood! She just will not shut up about this dumb Italy trip from over a year ago. 

How on Earth is it “aweful” for two single people to hang out with a couple? That’s called a group of friends. 

I’m beginning to think Liz here needs a Trigger Warning for depictions of real life friendship and love. A healthy person doesn’t blow up like this.

This was the last post Erin made before her 11 day hiatus where she was probably having a wine-fueled premarital sex party with the 4 Blanks. 

Or visiting family for the holidays. One of those two.

You can actually see the deterioration of Liz’s mental state between the two replies she left.

Erin ended up posting a new photo a few days ago. Liz was quick to re-upload it to her own Instagram and gave us an amazing gem of stupidity.

Truly a riddle for the ages. Why would the lead actress of When Calls The HEART pose in front of a wall with HEARTS drawn on them for her fans the HEARTies? We may never know. 

“Weird obsession”

…

…

…

“love/hate relationship”

There is no relationship. You don’t know this woman. You can not have a relationship with someone you’ve never met or spoken to.

Chris did an interview with a Youtube channel. Cue screeching.

Geeeez… the writers, cast and crew wanting the show to continue is “selfish”. How dare those people want to continue their job that helps them support their families and gives them health coverage. Don’t they know this narcissist (who I'll bet has never worked a real job a day in her life unless it was for a family member that was guilted into hiring her) was literally stabbed in the heart by their show? Ignore the fans that are excited for next season. Burn it all down. It’s not enough to just not watch the show, it should cease to exist.

“Why not blame him? Others on Twitter were… So why can’t I give them a taste of their medicine?”

This is a very logical and healthy way to live and will in no way ever come back to bite you in the ass.

Liz brings up her theory (based on nothing but her insanity) that Erin was behind the Lucabeth break up because she didn’t want to kiss others anymore. 

I have a question for our smooth-brained lunatic: What about all the other Hallmark movies Erin acts in? What about all the co-stars she kisses in those movies?

Maybe, just maybe, this is an idiotic theory and you should be ashamed for coming up with it. Oh, I want to put a spotlight on the “hearties who got ‘special treatment’” comment on the right. This was something she used to freak out about over on Twitter. She’s referring to the Hearties that have podcasts and youtube channels devoted to talking about and promoting the show. There’s so much to go into that I should probably do a separate post, but Liz really hates that these fans get “special treatment”. Special Treatment meaning they get to interview actors and people who work on the show. You see, it doesn't matter that they’ve been doing their shows for years and have built up an audience, learned the ins and outs of how to interview someone properly and with the right equipment and have gained a rapport with the people who work on the show. That’s Not Fair™ in Liz’s eyes. She thinks nobodies regular people like her should be allowed to talk to the actors and ask them any question they want. The concept of working hard and earning the privilege is alien to her.

She’s starting to swear more. Like, a lot more. Especially compared to her early posts on Twitter where the harshest thing she’d say would be “gosh”. 

I keep saying this, but her behavior is getting worse. It’s escalating to something dangerous.

[survey--s]

616.

What EXACTLY are you doing?: Taking this survey, watching Below Deck Down Under and stretching my back out as it's really achy for some reason.

What’s the last funny thing you saw on tv?: Something on QI.

Have you ever felt so low, you thought you wouldn’t recover?: Yeah, been there.

The last song you listened to was by?: Emily Ann Roberts.

You’re more: sane or insane?: It depends on the day. <--- yep, that about sums it up.

Would the world be different without music?: Of course it would be.

Have you ever been to therapy/counseling?: Yeah, I was in therapy for a while when I was at university.

Explain an out-of-body experience you’ve had:: I've never had one.

How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17.

Have you ever eaten something while high, that is disgusting to you when you’re sober?: I've never been high.

Ever watched the sun rise?: Yea, sure.

Some lyrics off the top of your head:: I am my mother's savage daughter, the one who runs barefoot cursing sharp stones. I am my mother's savage daughter - I will not cut my hair, I will not lower my voice.

Out of all the people you know, who has the most over-protective father?: I have no idea - I don't really know anyone's dad nowadays - we're all adults so parents are largely irrelevant in that respect.

What is something you and your significant other talk about regarding the future?: Holidays and doing up the house.

Do you have any chronic illnesses or a mental diagnosis?: I have the following diagnoses: sacroiliitis, dysmennorhea, depression and generalised anxiety.

Name any/all drugs you have ever used?: I've never taken any illegal drugs.

Do you blow dry your hair or let it dry naturally?: It depends. Lately I've been blow-drying it because I've also been straightening it, but normally I just let it dry naturally.

If you’ve had stitches, where on your body were they?: On the back of my head when I fell off the monkey bars and on my chin and forehead when I fell over rollerblading.

Which of your five senses do you think is the best?: Smell.

Is there a song that describes how you felt yesterday? What?: I'm So Tired by The Beatles hahah. Yesterday was pretty rubbish as I had my period and just felt absolutely awful.

The last funny thing a friend said?: Nothing specific is coming to mind.

What was the last thing you did that made you feel accomplished?: Doing a four mile walk this morning and not physically struggling once. I never used to be able to get up the woods without stopping and today I managed the entire route in one go lol.

What is the worst drug anyone has ever offered you?: I've only ever been offered weed.

A childhood memory off the top of your head:: Finding a cat in our kitchen in our first house and then crying when my dad said we couldn't keep it.

How many art classes have you had?: I took art in school up until year 9.

Do you hate the way you feel, or feel the way you hate?: Uh, neither?

What do you think of girls who say they don’t fart or poop?: I'd think they were fundamentally stupid.

Your zodiac sign and birthstone?: Saggitarius, Blue Topaz.

What’s the worst thing about you when you’re angry?: I'm really impulsive and don't think about what I'm saying.

Ever smoked salvia?: No.

Who do you tell EVERYTHING to?: Nobody.

Have you ever been to a rehab facility of any sort?: Nope.

Have you ever found something out you wish you hadn’t?: Yeah.

What is your best experience in life so far?: I really couldn't pick just one thing.

What is “true love” anyway?: I mean, I think everyone has a different definition of that.

Your favorite shoes are?: My black ballet flats.

Is there anything you plan on buying soon?: Yeah, I need a new pair of boots at some point.

The last family member you kissed/hugged was?: My mum.

Ever had surgery? What?: Just wisdom tooth removal.

Is makeup sex really all that great?: It can be amazing if you get it right.

Do you sleep with anything other than pillows, blankets, etc.?: A stuffed bear and the dog, lol. Sometimes the cats come up in the morning when we're having a lie-in as well.

[oyasuuh]

Letter for a hopeless love

*From my blogspot entry of 14/02/2023:

 Oh, I just can't describe how much I love you. We never met, but that time, when you just waved at me, in my dream, I fell for you. It's so dumb. Why did my heart think it was the right thing? I have never met you, and it'll never happen. Because you don't exist. You will never exist. Yet, I go to sleep hugging my pillow pretending it's your body, trying to listen to a non-existent heartbeat, and it hurts. If I'm gonna tell people what I'm feeling right now, they're gonna think I'm crazy. 

I often talk about you with others, and you suddendly get shaped from my words as "a french boy from Lyons, who is the last of three twins, runs a family restaurant and has lived for a bunch of years in New York". They believe you're a real person. I make them believe you're a real person. It's so depressing. Some people may be struggling confessing their love to their crushes as well, but at least the person they're fond of, they exist. They can show me a picture, but I can't. They'll judge me. I'd feel useless. They'd bully me for it. And I'd cry if someone found out. I always say to my online friends that "loving fictional characters is fine, because the human brain can't distinguish love for a real or fictional person", but I can't bring myself to be the same thing for me.

I carve your love. I need someone like you in my life. Please, oh my god. Love me. I don't know the real definition of love, but if I knew, it would be you. Stuff like: "I got this for you since I know you like this kind of things a lot." or "Come at my place, let's bake cookies together." You, you would definitely do this. And I'd love it.

Maybe, in another universe where we can exist together, I'll hand you a bag of handmade chocolates and I'll ask you: "Will you be my Valentine?"