#WHICH JUST MAKES ME SADDER AND SADDER
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Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4
Cale blinks, eyes bleary. He's being held in Choi Han's arms, tucked close to his chest. Wince. Not only does his head hurt, his body hurts now too.
Being ten is strange. Strange in the way that his body doesn't match his mind anymore. Strange in the way that he feels like a stranger in someone else's home. It reminds him of a memory, older than he is, of when he first walked into the orphanage. Out of place. The kids already there looked at him like he was no different from them, but it was strange to finally be labeled an orphan despite having been without parents for most of his life, now.
The 7 year olds memories tucked away in his mind welcome the 10 year old in. Cale frowns.
A habit from his older years, and younger ones, has him checking his environment before his condition.
"I will go to Duke Fredo." He hears Eruhaben declare to everyone in the room, clearly having a meeting of sorts. Cale is tucked so close to Choi Han that his being awake goes unnoticed. Or, if it is noticed, no one says anything about Cale listening in.
Rosalyn nods. "The White Star is planning something in Cale's absence. We need to find out what that is," somberly, she adds, "Before 'he' decides to do something about it first."
Cale yawns in the middle of her talking, and the buzzing in his ears prevents him from hearing the last part. Duke Fredo... Cale remembers being Naru, for a time. Cookies and the White Star... his head aches. It feels, very accurately, like a long needle is being inserted into his skull and poking around in his brain.
"Cale?" Choi Han squeezes his shoulder. The 10 year old in his arms frowns more at how comfortably he's being held. How long has Choi Han been carrying him? He recalls being carried by Choi Han many times. It makes him recall other things, such as pain and coughing up blood. He assertively stops thinking about it.
The meeting on the other side of the room comes to an end at Cale's emerging consciousness. The eyes on him feel familiar. It reminds him of the pitiful looks he got when he wandered the cold streets in nothing but a school uniform. His memory flickers and it suddenly reminds him again of the team, when they looked at him as the Team Leader.
Though, he can't think of any reason why they're staring at him like that.
Finally, with a twang of pain in his skull, he realizes that they're looking at him with expectation... he doesn't connect the dots that their expressions are that of worry. Was there something he missed? He yawns again, tears coming to his eyes, and he calmly wipes them away before kicking his legs.
"I want down."
Choi Han sets him on the ground, steadying him on his wobbly, sleepy legs. Cale is thinking about the conversation that Eruhanen and Rosalyn just had when hunger pains radiate from his stomach like twisting tendrils.
-Sorry Cale! I took longer to heal your body because of the curse, but it's fixed now!
Clutching his stomach with one hand, he covers his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep the blood in his hand as he coughs wetly. It tastes familiar, beyond the familiarity he had with it at 10, but rather its a lifetime of familiarity that cannot be contained in just the words, 'he tasted blood.' It was a taste he knew better than food or water.
His chest feels better, he notes. His head still hurts, unfortunately, but he shouldn't expect too much.
It also came out of his nose. Gross.
With that underwhelming thought, he keeps the blood carefully cupped in his hand. Uncle hated when he got blood on the-
Uncle is...
Right.
But still... he shouldn't get blood on his Hyung-nim's nice carpet. It's probably... expen... sive.
Noise buzzes around him, someone is touching his shoulder, but he's coughing blood again, again, and again, and it feels awful as his stomach twists and writhes with the hunger and pain that he's felt before, but it makes him ravenous all the same.
Hungry. He could eat anything right now. He remembers the tasteless rock he ate to get Super Rock's Ancient Power. He'd even eat a normal rock.
But still, even in his hunger, he keeps his mouth closed.
He can't bring himself to ask for food.
Not even from Raon. Something in his core, in his gut and his heart and his soul, tells him that he shouldn't ask. How could he take food from Raon? Well, it's Raon's supply of food for Cale anyway, so it's okay. But taking food from a child? But Cale is a child too--
"Human! That's your hungry face! Quickly eat this pie!" Raon cries out and there's suddenly a slightly smashed slice of apple pie in his face. How are there already tears on it...?
He grabs it without thinking hard.
The hunger doesn't care about tears, and soon Cale is stuffing his face with the salty apple pie with a fervor that he, at 10, would normally never have shown to anyone. He eats without chewing with a familiarity that makes him want to cry.
Choi Han's hand shakes on Cale's shoulder.
He should've checked Cale's condition beforehand. He saw that Cale used the ancient powers but still, Cale only got his external wounds treated. Why did he let his happen? He thought that it would be okay this time. Cale was young now and he wasn't showing a response for a long time, so he didn't think. There's no excuse for this.
Cale eats desperately, as if his life depends on it, and Choi Han can't help the way his heart cracks at the sight. And burns with frustration at his own uselessness.
Drip.
The room is quiet.
Drop.
"Human! Do-do you need more apple pie?!" Raon yells, panicking, bringing out more apple pie as Cale's cheeks become wet with silent tears. He reaches for a pie in the air and scarfs it down, uncaring of the sticky fingers covered in sweet apple filling and flaky, crumbling bits of crust.
It tastes like home.
It doesn't taste like Uncles house, or blood, or school hallways or alleys or scraps.
He sobs miserably, wanting to hide. He isn't crying over apple pie, he isn't! From his memories, he definitely shouldn't be crying over this much- it didn't even hurt enough to cry!
Thunder crackles outside the castle. Cale remains hunched over a new slice of apple pie, curling into himself in a very not-Cale like manner.
Another crack of lightning outside.
Eruhaben steps in front of Cale. He brushes Choi Han, frozen in his shock, away from the scene. Raon brings more apple pie out, even as he sees that Cale isn't so much eating the pie as he is holding it.
"Human, I will- I will destroy the world! You can't go into a coma again, I will- I will," Raon's voice cracks. Choi Han gathers himself. He looks at Cale, before calmly standing next to Raon and touching his paw in the air. "Human..."
"Cale," Eruhaben speaks calmly. "Look at me."
Cake shakes his head, fingers trembling. Something's wrong with him, inside of him, and the panic gets to his chest as he starts to take quicker breaths. Cale looks through his memories to fix himself but they blur in a cacophony of sounds and words and frames.
"Cale Henituse, you need to relax. Everything is okay. No one is taking anything from you. Calm down."
They weren't inspirational and comforting words. No, the words could even be considered a little cold, for an adult speaking to what appears to be a 7 year old. But it was necessary for Cale, who was 10 and not 7, and Kim Rok Soo, who was orphaned at a young age and abused and abandoned, and a little boy who went through both child and teenage years without anyone he could call family.
Cale opens his eyes. Were they closed? Eruhaben is in front of him.
Calm down.
Why did Lee Soo Hyuk come to mind when he heard that? A distant, dusty memory falls through his mind, so he picks it up and watches it. The Record plays out.
Something happened like this, once.
It was the only time he came close to crying in front of the Team Leader. Lee Soo Hyuk brought him out of it. The Record, though the reason why he almost cried was somehow forgotten(lost?), always played when he needed to put himself together in a moment of weakness.
Even now. When he is 10 years old in a 7 year olds body. The voice brings back the feeling of calm.
His memories settle.
Right. This is more like him. More like himself.
His face levels out into something neutral.
It feels like an older version of himself, somewhere between 38 and 20, is stroking the top of his head. Cale wonders if hallucinations are part of the curse.
"Good job." Lee Soo Hyuk in the Record and Eruhaben's words overlap for a moment but Cale ignores it.
It takes mental strength to stand straight again, but he manages it with a stiff expression. His hands are a mess, a gross mix of blood and the smushed flesh of what used to be a perfect apple pie.
He's never been more ashamed and embarrassed in his life. Old memories come to mind, reminding him that he's done worse, but the 10 year old in a 7 year olds body feels mortified. If he'd done this in front of his uncle...
"I'm sorry." Cale apologizes. It comes out of his mouth naturally. He has a lot that he could be apologizing for. The floor, which surely has blood and messy apple pie on it now. The pie, which is as ruined as his shirt. The weird hyperventilating thing he did. He recalls his memories. Maybe it wasn't what Lee Soo Hyuk called it, a 'panic attack,' but something different, more sinister.
He convinces himself that it is.
Red flag number 6 it is.
"Cale, you have nothing to be sorry for." Eruhaben states clearly. Cale looks him in the eyes. Strangely, he feels compelled to believe the Ancient Dragon.
.... Red Flag number 7?
Cale backs away on instinct.
Eruhaben sighs.
"Unlucky bas... hah." Standing up from where he had apparently gotten on his knees, Eruhaben waves his hand. The gross feeling on Cale's hands disappears effortlessly, and the stain on his shirt vanishes too. "It'll still be better to wash your hands, at least. Though that doesn't mean you're dirty... it means you were attacked by apple pie." Eruhaben tells him seriously. He lowers himself to his height and makes eye contact. "So it's best to wash it off, just in case some of it is still on you. It could... attack again."
The other people in the room, notably missing Bud and the mage Glenn now, stare at Eruhaben. He pointedly ignores their gazes.
Cale nods.
Eruhaben covers his rising smile.
"Off you go now," he lowers the hand, looking serious again. Struggling, he continues,"... Be careful." Like sending off a soldier, he stands up and looks away from Cale.
Choi Han covers his own face and fights to not laugh.
Somehow, despite the fact that Cale technically has all of his memories, the explanation works for him. He goes into the bathroom, escorted by Ron, who helps wash his hands at the sink. Ron also has him change his clothes, despite their clean appearance.
Ron assures him that it's due to the risk of another apple attack. It could be stuck to the clothes as well. Cale frowns. Ron smiles at the pouting 7 year old.
The 10 year old starts changing his clothes obediently.
Cale's muscles ache and burn. Even his bones hurt.
His head is in so much pain, especially when he focuses, but he draws in his willpower to think very hard about the reason why he might be in this condition.
Cale winces as the needle in his brain digs in deep and drags itself over his frontal lobe, and he visibly shudders, trying not to grimace.
10 year olds are supposed to be bigger than 7 year olds, is the conclusion he comes to.
...
Cale gets chill on the back of his neck.
Surely he isn't going to grow... right? No, no way. If he is, surely he shouldn't be in pain, right? He became 7 years old in a flash and it didn't hurt, so why now?
The pain alleviates for a second. In feels like whatever is causing the pain is given a revelation.
In his undergarments, Cale is enveloped in a white light.
This is...
Definitely red flag number 8.
Definitely, he thinks, suddenly 12 years old in a 12 year olds body. The needle painfully digging into his brain burns and yet feels cold at the same time. It spreads like an infection, and he immediately covers his right eye as it becomes numb with a sharp, icy sensation. Strangely, his hand warms up.
Ron, who innocently retrieved a garment from the crown prince Alberu's younger days, drops it. The assassins hands, which never tremble, shake more than they would if Cale had been an adult. Seeing a newly 12 Cale bleeding from his eye...
Blood seeps through the gap between Cale's hand and his face, which is now suddenly 12 years old.
Cale-- Ron realizes as he calls, as calmly as he can, for the ancient dragon and rushes in a not-so-calm manner to the young masters side-- has yet to realize that his eye is gushing blood. The 12 year old looks at Ron, confused.
Ron's expression is stiff.
"Ron?" Cale asks.
Eruhaben enters the room alongside Raon and Choi Han, but Ron focuses on relaxing his expression, and carefully holding Cale's hand to his eye, keeping it there so he doesn't remove it.
"Young Master... Do you remember the song, Dark Night Moon Light?"
Cale frowns. His head hurts.
"No." He says honestly. Why is everyone in here all of a sudden? Cale was barely dressed in some now too-small shorts. It's cold, he thinks through the pain.
"Then I will remind you, Young Master. It's a children's song that parents or butlers like me sing at a child's bedside. The child will close their eyes and listen to the song. Would you allow this butler to sing it to you?"
All of a sudden?
Cale feels uncomfortable, but his head hurts so much that he can't think about it a lot, so he closes his eyes.
Ron sings, in his calm and low voice, a common children's melody. He himself had once sung it for Beacrox, a long time ago.
It's supposed to help children who find themselves terrified of the dark. As far as Ron knows, Cale was never been so afraid of the dark to have this song sung to him... but, he understands with a bitter heart, even if he had been scared, the song would've been sung by his mother. Not his father, who was too sucked in by his grief after her passing.
He realizes that Cale, being 12 now, must no longer have the memories of his mother singing to him.
Eruhaben has Ron carefully remove Cale's hand, which had been pooling blood inside, spilling onto the floor.
Branded under his eye, looking like a burn in the soft and thin skin, is a number.
'12'
Eruhaben waves away the blood.
"Young Master, open your eyes now. The song is over." Ron doesn't react to the number, and when Cale opens his eyes, hides his relief that his eye is not damaged. Just bleeding. "Do you know how old you are now?" Though, Ron had a strong suspicion that they already knew.
"... 12, I think."
"Cale, you've been fighting off the curse, haven't you?" Eruhaben asks. It feels angry. Cale shrinks in on himself.
"It's fine, isn't it? It's better if I'm older."
He won't cry anymore. He can bathe again, since he can now handle the phantom sensations of blood and scars and dirt. He won't ignorantly use his ancient powers. Off the top of his head, there are more reasons that he should be older than there are reasons to go back to being young.
He is a better slacker when he isn't being whiny and childish.
"... Cale-nim." Choi Han groans.
"You knew that you were fighting off the curse, right?" Eruhaben asks again, but it's calculating.
"... Yes," but how could he not? He could always feel when he grew older, smarter. Not to mention the cracking like pain of his skull being hammered in, worse and worse as he ages. Even now, he can only tell the honest and not altered truth, simply because he is in too much pain.
Choi Han wants to ask. 'Is it because you don't trust us?'
But he holds his tongue.
Eruhaben sighs. He nods at Ron.
"Get dressed." Eruhaben rubs the top of Cales red hair, leaving him frazzled, before leaving the room. Choi Han clutches his sword and restrains his rampant emotions.
"You aren't in trouble human! The great and mighty Raon will help you become a child again!" Raon flies around Cale. Ron, observing Choi Han and Raon, leaves to rob the crown prince of more clothes.
Sigh. Cale shivers.
His head hurts.
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iristial · 1 month ago
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rider system album misora isurugi (build) | episode 4
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epickiya722 · 4 months ago
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The tragic irony that Toga lost her life to, of all things, blood lost.
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fazgoo-connoiseur-1987 · 9 months ago
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Bill and Mike codependency.... save me deep and unhealthy familial relationships...
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wackywatchdotcom · 2 months ago
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honestly i dont really talk about caine all too much, i talk about pomni a lot and then ill talk abt ragatha a lot and then i also talk about gangle and kinger and it generally cycles between them (i draw jax a lot but it has to do w him just being fun to draw- i need to talk about zooble MORE bc they were one of the first parts of the show that got me invested)- i love the entire main cast but some of them i talk abt more and i feel like caine is not a common one i discuss. but i really really like his character even if i dont talk about him so much
#i think the complicated thing is that what i find appealing abt his character isnt always aligned w how he gets depicted#no shame to anyone else i like ppl having fun! i just like him in a specific way myself#i like when nonhuman characters are so very nonhuman its really cool to me#theres a tragedy to him that i also like but i like the idea that that tragedy is also like#what makes him Really Bad News for the cast members. i like him being scary in an oblivious nd jovial way its intriguing to me#.tbqh i dont see the show ending well for him#w the trajectory his character is going i think hes going to do worse and worse things#i dont think itll get rid of his tragedy and i do think the show will address some things theyve implied abt him more explicitly later#but. i dont think its ending well for him. i dont think hes gonna be making any friends. i think he is going to crash and burn#which. is sadder for him and worse news for the rest of the cast in a very compelling way to me#i mean smth good COULD happen for him but the way hes been presented so far doesnt make me hopeful for his future#i dont think hell ever be evil. and i think its more meaningful that way#smth smth he and jax are smth akin to foils and i think where jax' character has a good chance of having SOME inkling of improvement#by the end#but caine is less likely to have this. i think hes more likely to go the other direction#funny considering that caine is more jovial and friendly in comparison#but. yeah. i really like him theres a fun-ness to him thats really entertaining he makes me laugh#but theres also a deep horror to him that i loooove writing wise#add in the implied tragedy hes very interesting#theres a reason i still have that animatic in the works of him#i love the other characters a little more personally than caine#but the story being built up for caine and the circus as a setting is a majorly fascinating aspect of the whole show#im excited to see where it goes and i wanna be able to convey my thoughts on him#...tho i tend to get distracted by the women in the show more frequently HAHA#circus discussion
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champselysees · 5 months ago
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mayisgoingnuts · 5 months ago
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30
ASK GAME
30- what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?
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scrimblospectrumdisorder · 2 years ago
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unironically one of the most fucked up endings to any manga ever i literally cried for like 30 minutes when I first reached the last few chapters of this
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trentcrimminallybeautiful · 2 years ago
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i have this silly little undeveloped au in my brain that's just like. tedependent but it's the sarah jane adventures. sort of. not literally in the doctor who universe necessarily but like. local intrepid reporter trent crimm investigating weird shit except the local neighborhood kids will not leave him alone.
i have so many thoughts about this but none of them are coherent enough for a proper fic i think:
i just think trent being good with kids, generally. go mentor figure trent! (what this has nothing to do with my thesis what do you mean)
trent, like sarah jane pre-series, having a sort of reputation in the neighborhood (or in general, since i'm also incorporating his actual canon vibes/story) as to being standoffish, aloof, cold, etc., and generally anti-social, keeping to himself. and as the kids keep dragging him into things kicking and screaming he might also be dragged kicking and screaming into a community <3
if his daughter is essentially luke does that mean he adopted her under Strange Alien-Related Circumstances? absolutely it does, yes.
see i've got two great ideas for ted/tedependent. on one hand, although in the context of SJA/nuwho i'm not so much one for sarah jane and the doctor as a Thing, ted playing the role of like. someone from trent's Mysterious Past who he won't talk about who set him on this path? someone who was kind and wonderful and changed his life but then--at least it feels like to him--abandoned him? someone who made him a better person--from doing whatever journalism he used to do to this--someone who he's still kinda in love with... but trent can no longer even really talk to......until he shows up again? that's some good shit, not gonna lie. although i'm jimmying that into a happy ending somehow, goddamn it.
ALTERNATIVELY. henry being one of the Neighborhood Kids (as if we're using "canon" kids, we've got limited options) and ted being an oblivious parent. trent is trying to get these kids to STOP POKING INTO DANGEROUS ALIEN NONSENSE PLEASE THIS IS HIS JOB PLEASE STOP BREAKING INTO HIS HOUSE but they're stubborn and smart and they may or may not have saved his life once or twice and oh GOD THIS IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE but he can't just TELL THESE RANDOM NEIGHBORS about ALIENS. but like anyway this just painful secret identity-esque nonsense where ted knows henry's taken a shine to that nice journalist down the street and his daughter but does NOT know that henry is getting into Shenanigans(TM). this could lead into all sorts of drama about, you know, his kid being in danger... or, alternatively, ted has worked with some unit/torchwood-esque place before and is like OHH you know what? this explains that time i thought i heard you speaking an alien language. cool, cool. and trents like. .....WHAT
etc. i'm not wording this well but i think you get the idea.
if you really really wanted to make it complicated you could do both, considering the doctor's whole thing--either a fob watch or a regeneration--but honestly, i don't want to do that, so i won't
some of the adults do definitely get involved though. keeley either clocks that shit right away or thinks she's clocked it but she's actually clocked something entirely different. she's like i know you're mi6 babe ;) and he. is not. meanwhile roy having ten freakouts in a row and then being like nvm i'm fine with this. (is not fine with this, but will be eventually). jamies like yeah aliens. everyone knows about those. and they're like what?? no they dont?? and so on.
is beard an alien? genuinely no one's sure. he's not telling.
HOLD ON can i give trent k-9???? can trent crimm get a robot dog?????? yes please i think he deserves a robot dog
also see the trickster episodes? bet you could do something real fucked up with those.
i feel like i had more when i started this post but i don't remember
this not well thought out at all and i have no idea where everyone would fit in
anyway my point is. trent crimm, intrepid journalist, running around trying to stop alien shenanigans while Those Meddling Kids keep following him around. trent crimm doin a little Breaking And Entering. scooby doo shit. and he has such an interesting mix of seeming suave and badass and then immediately doing something embarrassing. trent crimm--via shenanigans and also Those Meddling Kids dragging him into their lives (aka he tries to keep his distance SO badly and only is involved when dangerous shit is going down but like then it's all. child knocking on his door like IT'S AN EMERGENCY OPEN UP and hes like WHAT WHAT IS IT and theyre like can you help me with my homework :( and hes like. fuck. yeah fine what do you want help with. (some subjects he's very helpful on others he's VERY not) until they're like okay but you're coming to this bbq right. and he's like? no? and they're like you're coming to this bbq right. and so on) ANYWAY the point is they keep dragging him into their lives and now oops! trent actually knows his neighbors and has to go through the mortifying ordeal of being known. but that also means that when he gets badly hurt or sick he's used to the empty hospital room but now he actually gets people showing up and forcing baked goods on him and shit and i'm just feeling a lot of things about this extremely hypothetical au based on my already existing feelings about trent gaining a community in s3/post-canon,
wait does this mean trent gets sonic lipstick? HELL YEAH IT DOES
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perexcri · 2 years ago
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happy one year to her and one of my better opening lines for a fic <3
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now, because i'm curious:
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boyswillbebutch · 1 year ago
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shaderin posting!!! (after me and @ike-mcswains-mortician spent like an hour or more sobbing over them) these will not be coherent in ANY way btw ALSO me and lea came up with a name for shade witch which is Skaoi which means shadow in norse :] so I switch between the two! ALSOOO this is kind of some of the aasimars and aunties au that me and lea are cooking sooo yeah not all makes sense hehe
Do you think Shade Witch sees Erin’s face in the wood of Oakvale. No since they’re all the same, all the same bark patterns and lines which Erin always complained about. Skaoi could trace the trees wood in her sleep after she spent days tracing it, trying to engrave it in her memory. After days of her not hearing from Erin at the end of the world, the world was red and it cast blood red light on the trees and Skaoi’s hands and face. The same blood red of the flesh tomb she found Erin in, the same red of Erin’s blood that dripped onto the ground.
The sun finally lights up the sky, no longer dousing Skaoi in blood red, washing away her hands and face of the blood red, basking her in bright light. Her business was booming again and everything was well, the trees were still the same as ever but she could now see new trees in the horizon. All she could say when she met Erin was ‘Woah’ and now that’s all she could say looking up at the sky, blue instead of red and clouds speckling the sky like snow.
Erin sits in heaven, her witch hat dipped over her eyes, protecting her from the sun and so nobody could see her tears. ‘Woah’ she heard Shade Witch say, and she smiled.
Update: i think @apricior came up with this ship! so sorry for tagging you on this weird ramble btwww
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sonderden · 7 months ago
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Life, aiming a loaded crossbow at me: I'm sorry. You were involved in the decisions that led to this, but you can't know whether they're worth it until everything is done. This is the first step. Endure it as best you can.
Me, shot with the crossbow bolt: [looks down and sees a label tied to the bolt that reads "metaphor for stressful situation"] Ow. Thanks for the warning, I guess? At least it's the only thing I'm getting shot with for a good while.
Life, reloading several bolts into the crossbow at once: Have you ever heard of speed shooting?
Me: I want it to be known that I resent this.
Life: Noted. [shoots me multiple times in quick succession]
Me, on the floor and stuck full of crossbow bolts all over my body: Recovering from this is gonna suck.
#sonder speaks#personal post#I'm trying to joke about my stress#but I did in fact get so stressed that it triggered a seizure#and then my immune system was so compromised from the stress and seizure that I'm now sick#and those are just the incidental health side effects of the stress itself#the situations have been numerous and covered a wide range of severity#the first crossbow bolt was my family deciding to move states and realizing the timeline will be very very short#the next was one of my budgies dying#then my dad having a week+ long dramatic panic attack meltdown about the move#he's past the worst of the meltdown itself but the deep deep fear is still an issue and a stressor#then it was my mom and sister panicking over making things work#then it was my seizure and being in the ER right up until it was time to catch a flight#then stress over helping to find the rught house while knowing none of them will satisfy the fear of my dad#but most of them will fit the criteria for which we originally chose to move#and then the dog we inherited from my grandma -- who's never bonded with anyone but me and never that deeply with me#who was in the shelter for a day and then retrieved and who I defended when other family members wanted her returned --#she growled at my 6 month old niece and nobody is bonded enough with her to train her to be gentle with a baby or toddler#she's a risk to my niece so she had to go back to the shelter and I'm a lot sadder and more stressed about it than I expected#I even cried and I don't cry over anything not even the deaths of grandparents or pets#and it's looking like I might have diabetes too but I can't get my labs done to find out for sure until I'm not sick#and the crossbow just keeps being fired at me#I know others are more stresed over more and bigger things#but I am so sick of these crossbow bolts#I want to be done with these#I want my stress levels down
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the-casbah-way · 7 months ago
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sometimes being so overly sensitive makes it hard to function like how do people do it. today we drove past three dead pheasants and i'm expected to be fine about the fact that they died alone and in pain and everyone keeps driving as if they never mattered. as if they didn't live and breathe and think. ok
#how is this fine. am i insane. how is it not so devastating that it stifles you#today i learned that the life span of a wild fox is three to four years#does that not make you want to cry every time you see one in the street. knowing they will never be safe#how do you look at your cats and not feel consumed with sadness because they won't be here forever#and no matter what you do you can't ever guarantee that they will always be healthy and safe#and they don't even understand any of this because they're just babies#which should be comforting because it means they aren't aware of their own mortality#but it somehow makes it sadder. like you don't know you are the entire world to me and i will spend my life missing you#i fear i'm genuinely a bit mental#because this shit keeps me up regularly#maybe it's the ocd. or the autism. maybe i'm just weird#it does get worse when an animal dies. i guess rescuing duck + finding out he died is the reason this time#i rescue A Lot of animals so this happens to me all the time#and i don't get any better at dealing with it#i still think of the chicks + lambs + mice + chickens we couldn't save when i was a kid#and the fact that sometimes a litter of animals would be born and the universe just decided that one wasn't going to make it#and it would be lying there dying whilst its siblings got stronger and braver and ate and played#and it wouldn't know or understand that it had drawn the short straw for no reason and would never get to live#WHY is the world like this how do you make peace with that#they think duck was hit by a car. only a man made thing can do that amount of damage right#the fact he was just a little animal he was so small and delicate and then he ended up all mangled like that#it's so unfair. poor angel#ask to tag
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teh-nos · 7 months ago
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thebigqueer · 9 months ago
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its not even just seeing her that im worired about . im so dreading going back cuz everyones gonna be like 'so have you seen your pookie yet!!' and im gonna have to sit there and look embarrasing and stupid as fuck saying 'oh we broke up. yeah sorry i know i ranted to you guys all the tiem about how much i liked her and made you all listen to everything we did on some reandom date only for us to break up almost out of nowhere. sorry for letting you down and wasting your time' like fuckkkk . im gonna look so fucking stupid saying all this cuz they all knew how much we liked each other. theyre all gonna look at me in so much fucking pity and i dont want to deal with all that
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it might be kinda fun to write an arthurian au where reader is guinevere…….. hhhh this is gonna rot in my brain all day oh no T_T
i am obsessed with this, but i don't think i'm good enough to write this
i went through a brief period of fascination with that period, and i could totally see suguru being lancelot !!! and satoru as arthur??
and guinevere!reader having an affair with lancelot :( there is just something so tasty about a relationship being so intimate it's a secret between two parties, and just the longing to openly express love and affection and being unable to do so...
DW ANONNNN i got you >:3 it has been added to my ever-growing list of wips……
(arthuriana rant under the cut) (<- got carried away)
what i love most abt the arthuriana is the fact that the legends are so old that. it’s basically free real estate??? no interpretation is more right or wrong than any other because there’s barely any actual canon and i think that makes researching it sm fun!! i had a period where i read a bunch of older and more modern arthurian interpretations and i had a blast comparing them and coming to a conclusion about my own take on the legend…. (which i always incorporate a little into my knight aus :33 my overall take on the arthuriana is that knighthood is an unattainable ideal)
ANYWAY I’M GETTING CARRIED AWAY. don’t ask ari abt knights bc they’ll never stfu.
BUT YEAHH lancelot as suguru is so perfect because lancelot is the greatest knight !! and because of that, his sin is also the heaviest. i think it’s a great parallel to suguru’s canonical ”fall from grace” — lancelot loves guinevere and he loves the king and the burden of being the greatest knight crushes him. because knights aren’t allowed to love!! being a knight means surrendering a piece of your own humanity but nobody likes an inhumane knight, so it’s a losing game. (this is explored in both erskine’s galahad and the pearl poet’s gawain and the green knight!!)
i always end up thinking of a line i love from steinbeck’s the acts of king arthur and his noble knights, which is spoken by lancelot himself….. he makes me so sad :((((
sir lancelot looked to the forest's edge, which bore ahead, and he said uneasily, "why should they ask these things? aren’t deeds enough? can you tell me? aren’t deeds enough?”
deeds aren’t enough. being the greatest knight means being a contradiction and it also means that nothing you do will ever be quite enough.
and yeah!! the forbidden love aspect is just so tasty. i think satoru is perfect as king arthur because of the love lancelot holds for guinevere and his king — all three of them love each other and it makes the situation that much more painful. lancelot who can’t help but love guinevere, guinevere who can’t help but love him back, king arthur who has no choice but to execute them when the public finds out. there are lots of arthurian works where king arthur knows about the affair and lets it happen out of love for them both, but then he still has to do what the public demands… and i think that also fits perfectly with satoru in the jjk canon :((( the way he has no choice but to kill suguru for his crimes.
i could say more but it rlly is just the perfect parallel au…. i’ve always wanted to explore the similarities between sorcerers and knights so!! this fic would give me that opportunity :33 sorry for rambling anon, and ty for giving me an excuse to!!
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