#Upright MRI

[precisionimagingcenters]

The Future of Medical Imaging: How Upright MRI Enhances Patient Comfort

Let's be honest, getting an MRI isn't anyone's idea of fun. You have to lie still in a tight, tube-like machine, and if you're even a little claustrophobic, it can be stressful. However, there's a new type of MRI that changes all of that. It's the Upright MRI, a revolutionary technology that makes the whole process more comfortable and patient-friendly. If you've ever dreaded the thought of an MRI, this might be the solution you've been waiting for.

Goodbye, Claustrophobia

If the idea of being enclosed in a small space gives you anxiety, you’re not alone. Claustrophobia is one of the most common complaints when it comes to traditional MRI machines. You’re essentially slid into a narrow tunnel where you have to stay perfectly still, and for many people, this can trigger feelings of panic. Some patients even end up abandoning the scan halfway through because they just can’t handle it.

That’s where Upright MRI shines. Instead of being forced into a tight space, you’re scanned while sitting or even standing. It’s more like sitting in a comfortable chair than being stuffed inside a tube. The open design makes a world of difference, especially for people who get anxious in confined spaces. You can actually look around, breathe, and feel a lot more at ease.

Sit, Stand, or Recline—It’s Up to You

One of the coolest things about Upright MRI is the flexibility it offers. You don’t have to lie flat on your back for the entire scan, which can be uncomfortable for many people. Instead, you can sit, stand, or even recline, depending on what’s being imaged. This is especially helpful for patients who have back problems, joint issues, or other conditions that make lying down painful.

Imagine needing an MRI for a back issue, but the very act of lying flat makes your pain worse. With Upright MRI, you can be scanned in a more natural, comfortable position, which not only makes the experience better for you but also provides doctors with more accurate results.

Better Imaging for Certain Conditions

Here’s something not many people know: for certain conditions, being in a weight-bearing position can actually improve the quality of the MRI. When you’re sitting or standing, your body is under the pressure of gravity, which means that issues like spine problems or joint misalignments can show up more clearly.

For example, if you have a herniated disc, it might not be as visible in a traditional MRI when you’re lying down. But with an Upright MRI, your spine is in its natural position, and the scan can show how your body is functioning during normal activities. This leads to more accurate diagnoses and better treatment plans.

A Sigh of Relief for Kids and Seniors

For kids and elderly patients, traditional MRIs can be particularly tough. The process of staying still for a long period in a confined space can be intimidating, especially for younger children or older adults. In many cases, doctors have to use sedation just to get through the scan, which comes with its own risks.

But with Upright MRI, the process is much less stressful. The open environment, combined with the ability to sit comfortably, means that most patients won’t need sedation. This is a big deal, especially for parents of young children or caregivers of elderly patients, who want to avoid the risks that come with sedatives.

Making Room for Everyone

Another amazing benefit of Upright MRI is that it accommodates a wider range of body types. Traditional MRI machines can feel too small for larger or broader patients, sometimes requiring special equipment or adjustments. Upright MRI’s open design can comfortably fit patients of all sizes, ensuring that no one has to feel squeezed into a tight space.

This inclusivity means that more people can access the scans they need, without worrying about whether the machine can handle their size or shape. It’s all about making the experience as easy and stress-free as possible for everyone.

A Quicker, Smoother Process

Have you ever had to lie perfectly still for what feels like an eternity during an MRI? It’s no fun. One small movement, and you might have to repeat part of the scan. With Upright MRI, the whole process tends to be faster and smoother. Because patients are more comfortable and can sit or stand in a natural position, there’s less need for readjustments or multiple scans.

This not only makes the experience better for patients but also helps healthcare providers work more efficiently. Fewer re-scans mean faster results and less time spent in the machine—definitely a win-win.

The Future of Imaging Is Here

So, what does this all mean for the future of medical imaging? Upright MRI is leading the way in putting patient comfort at the forefront. No longer do you have to dread an MRI appointment because of the discomfort, anxiety, or fear of tight spaces. With this new technology, you can get the scans you need in a way that feels more natural, less stressful, and much more comfortable.

As more medical centers adopt Upright MRI, it’s clear that this is the future of diagnostic imaging. And it’s about time! We all deserve a healthcare experience that prioritizes our comfort and well-being.

Is Upright MRI Right for You?

If you’ve ever been nervous about getting an MRI—or if you’ve had to endure a traditional MRI and hated the experience—Upright MRI might be the perfect solution for you. Whether you’re dealing with claustrophobia, chronic pain, or just want a more comfortable experience, this new technology can make a huge difference.

The next time your doctor suggests an MRI, ask if Upright MRI is an option. You might just find that it makes the whole process a lot easier and a lot less stressful. After all, getting the right diagnosis shouldn’t be uncomfortable or anxiety-inducing—it should be as smooth and painless as possible.

[drferox]

My MS Diagnosis

So I’m approaching the 2 year mark since my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis and I thought I’d better document how I got here, because being the patient is a weird experience, especially for a condition that had kind of vague symptoms that needed a fair amount of work up.

My symptoms actually started in early 2020, when I was in the third trimester of pregnancy. The main symptom was mistaken for carpal tunnel syndrome - numbness in my fingers that would progress to increasingly violent pins & needles sensations, that would progress to burning if I tried to push through it. Only this sensation would extend all the way up to my shoulders at times. I stopped performing surgery, because not only was I unsatisfied with my lack of sensation to know what I was doing with my tissue handling, but the pain would get worse quickly in constrictive surgical gloves in the presence of patient warming. So I stopped performing surgery in late pregnancy and was told it would get better a few months after giving birth.

It did not.

So six months after giving birth, finding myself able to use my hands for short periods but still unable to perform surgery to my standard, I went back to complain to the doctor. I also couldn’t play video games properly, my arms would often be numb when I woke up, all the way up to my shoulder, and they were super temperature sensitive. Even hot water from washing dishes would set them off.

They sent me down a carpal tunnel work up - ultrasounds and talking to a neurologist. The short version is they did tell me I had mild carpal tunnel… on one side only.

Which did not make any damn sense considering I had symptoms on both sides all the way up to my shoulder.

The worst neurologist in the world could not explain to me why a mild problem on one wrist was affecting sensation all the way up to the opposite shoulder, and just said ‘it happens sometimes’. Now, I like to think I have a solid understanding of the basics of how a body works, and was really unsatisfied with this answer. They recommended I talk to a surgeon, since I’d already been doing a bunch of physiotherapy, but I decided not to. Surgery could have put my hand in a cast for up to 6 weeks, I had a 6 month old baby to care for at home and a partner who was useless at best, and abusive at worst. I could not afford the time in a cast.

So I went to try something else, visiting an osteopath to see what they could do about my ‘mild’ carpal tunnel, and while I’m there, these headaches I’ve been getting.

She spent a good long while stretching out different muscle groups, and found that certain neck muscle stretches changed the sensations I was getting in my fingertips. So whatever was causing the hand problem was coming from somewhere in the neck, and she recommended I get a CT scan.

Went back to my doctor to get a referral for a CT scan, and explained what was going on. He thought about it for a minute, didn’t voice his concerns, and upgraded it to a neck MRI.

That MRI found a demyelinating lesion in my neck. So went back for a full Central Nervous System scan and found a couple more borderline ones.

That sent me back to a (different) neurologist, had a proper neurological exam that found a few random patches of altered skin sensation in addition to the arm weirdness I had going on. So I was probably a MS case, but not particularly severe as MS goes.

To confirm it I needed a lumbar puncture to look for oligoclonal bands in by CSF. The lumbar puncture was a moderately unpleasant experience which then mandated that I remain lying down for 24 hours so that my spinal fluid didn’t spring a leak. With a baby and a distinctly unhelpful partner, I barely made it to that 24 hours.

And then… I sprung a CSF leak. Which is a jolly weird experience I can tell you.

When your CSF leaks from a lumbar puncture you will feel perfectly fine… when you are lying flat on your back, because your spine flops over the hole and plugs the leak. If you’re upright at all the spine flops away from the hole and it slowly leaks out, and you get more of this weird frontal headache that gets worse the longer you’re upright, standing there talking to the ER admissions nurse. And the info I had explained that it can progress to seizures and similar the worse it gets, but I only got as far as pain and fuzzy vision. I seriously could only be upright for ten minutes without pain, and had to lie down to resolve it.

That required some medicine-that-looks-like-magic to fix, called a blood patch. Doctors took some of my blood, fresh out of the vein, and inserted it into my spine approximately where the leak should be, so that the clot would cover the leaky patch. Self blood magic. It worked brilliantly, about an hour later.

The CSF tap ordeal confirmed the presence of the oligoclonal bands, and then I got stunted into the public health system, in a department specifically geared towards managing Multiple Sclerosis patients. They debated for a little while, at a multidisciplinary meeting, whether I was really MS or a Clinically Isolated Syndrome (which is like Multiple Sclerosis but without the ‘Multiple’ part), but settled on MS. Yes, Tumblr, I was nearly diagnosed with CIS.

The shoe thing took about a year from when I actively complained to doctors, or about 18 months from the first probable symptoms. That’s approximate because some things that were thought to be pregnancy symptoms could have been due to MS, like fatigue and leg weakness. I’m pretty lucky that I’m comfortable in hospitals and with medical procedures, am reasonably medically literate. I think the magic phrase that got things to happen quickly was ‘these symptoms are greatly affecting my ability to do my job’.

I don’t think my MS has progressed since starting the medication (and I’ll talk about the medication in another post). I’ve acquired one additional brain lesion since diagnosis, but I have no clue what physical symptom it’s associated with.

While some symptoms are better, I still cannot perform surgery to the standard or with the endurance that I used to,so I basically don’t any more. I can do about ten minutes, which is enough to bail a new graduate vet out of trouble, but not enough to take over completely for them. I’ve had a few years to think about it but I don’t know what the MS is going to do to my career, only that I can still practice for now.

It’s not great, but it could be a whole lot worse, and that’s how I got here.

[dissociacrip]

hey s/o to chronically ill or otherwise physically disabled people who are mostly, entirely undiagnosed, or otherwise have undiagnosed body problems that have yet to be explained.

especially if your symptoms are scary and confusing and weird enough to both you (and perhaps also to medical practitioners) that you have no idea what's really going on with you so that you can't even self-dx or make a solid guess at it.

especially if you keep getting expensive and non-routine medical testing/exams that seems like it's supposed to tell you something but then the results come back normal.

especially if the only potential answers to your problems are notoriously difficult to diagnose, treat, and/or require specialists that you don't have access to.

especially if this would have been a lot easier to deal with if you had supportive family members but you were medically neglected and/or don't have any family that you can rely on (this particularly applies to congenital stuff.)

and especially if you don't have the time, finances, or patience to figure out what the fuck is going on because dealing with the medical system and constant testing and a constant lack of answers is utterly fucking exhausting. desperately wanting help and relief and feeling fear that something might be seriously wrong but you don't even need to start, or just being tired of suffering and not having any clue what your body is doing.

post inspired having had episodes of wack neurological(?) shit that was causing excruciating nerve pain at the base of my neck and my upper back that was at like a 10 and cognitive impairment that got worse the longer i remained upright (including my speech starting to slur) over the past couple of years that seems to correlate with daytime manual labor specifically. seemed to be a herniated disc but a supine mri that insurance refused to cover showed zero signs of disc herniation or any other abnormalities. is it cci? is it a spinal cfs leak?? who fucking knows dude!! i came home sounding like i was drunk one day due to how fucking delirious i was and left work on day in tears once due to feeling like a knife was in the base of my neck and i still have no idea why ✌🏻

[damnfandomproblems]

763632033850327040

TW.

I know I'm going off on a tangent here, but I want to say that people using the term "mouth breather" is always really disheartening. It's a huge gut-punch in a situation many people have been dealing with for decades.

Here's my deal: I've had sleep-disordered breathing since I was a kid. It started with bad nasal resistance issues, which meant I I couldn't breathe through my nose and had to use my mouth. Parents didn't do jack shit about it because they didn't know it was a big problem. And it totally messed up the formation of my skull. Now my jaw is slightly recessed, I have vertical maxillary excess, I can't fully close my lips, and my airway looks like a coffee straw (I've seen an MRI of this and it's totally pinched when I'm on my back, and even when I'm upright), so I can't even breathe through my mouth properly without a ton of noise and resistance. Every day, I wake up with a sore throat, dry mouth, and feeling like death. That "mouth breathing" has given me sleep apnea and UARS. CPAP doesn't help so I'm looking at a bilevel now and failing that, ASV. My jaw joint sounds like gravel and constantly clicks out of place.

And doctors don't do shit. I've seen three different ENTs for my nasal issues, and all three of them just scoped my nose and said "idk, looks fine". None of them actually looked at the skeletal structure of my face despite being fucking ENTs who are supposed to, you know, know everything about the nose. None of them actually thought, huh, I'm using the pediadric scope for your nose, that might indicate there is a bigger fucking problem than just your turbinates, which you've already had a reduction for. Nope. Nothing.

The one jaw surgeon I went to told me, "idk, I can give you a sliding genio, but that's it, I don't want to mess up your ~pretty face~ (yerk) by doing an advancement". When I literally need an advancement of some kind because my jaw and tongue is encroaching on my fucking throat.

Meanwhile, I've been suffering for 20 years thinking I had treatment resistant depression and insomnia when in reality, it was my shitty breathing and every day, currently stuck with a CPAP, I look at my data and breathing waveforms and I observe they look like they've been shot with buckshot. All my breaths are flat or ragged. I see myself constantly gasping because I can't get enough air. My DME (CPAP) provider won't even look at that data, because all they want to look at is a shitty single number that isn't even accurate, because CPAP machines are garbage with actually detecting breathing issues so they constantly spit out lower-than-reality numbers, especially for people with UARS.

Now I'm looking into double jaw surgery and EASE, and the initial consultations for each are months away. I can't do anything in the meanwhile. And the real fuck-shit part of this? I live in a country with "free healthcare", but the doctors can't even solve this. And the system moves way too fucking slowly. Twenty years of languishing, only to be told over and over "you must be a hypochondriac, it's just depression, we don't need to look at the data"? Fuck that. So I'm going to go into debt paying nearly 200k for double jaw surgery and for nasal expansion. I've considered killing myself over this plenty of times. I can't imagine how many people have killed themselves over this. All because they can't breathe through their nose.

From the bottom of my heart, fuck anyone who uses the word "mouth breather" like it's a fucking joke or an insult. Fuck them.

Sorry, I saw an opportunity to vent and took it.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[lupusbaby]

I’m getting really worried about my leg weakness. It used to be that in the evenings I wouldn’t be able to do the stairs, but now it’s happening much sooner. If I walk even 10 minutes my legs end up so weak I have to sit on the front porch steps before I can even get myself inside. Not to mention the nerve pain is so severe I can’t sleep despite it feeling like someone ran me over. A couple days ago I couldn’t even pick up a glass of water because my pain was so severe. I have my brain MRI in 3 days, I just have to make it there so I can get a diagnosis. Just a couple more weeks and I’ll know better.

My mobility is so bad, I end up having to put so much weight on my forearm crutches that they bruise me and hurt my hands/wrists. I honestly sometimes wish I could just use a wheelchair. Any time I leave the house I can’t even enjoy it because it’s so difficult to keep my body upright.

I’ve been trying to hold back the worries and keep it together but now I’m really starting to get concerned about what’s going on. I’m equally afraid of having my tests be normal as I am of them being abnormal.

[coffee-with-pigeon-milk]

TW Body image discussions and Fatphobia. TW also for self harm and eating disorders. TW for bullying.

I can't stop crying. I'm sitting in the car after a very long day; and I don't really have anybody I can talk to about this in my real life. In case I haven't told you the last couple of months have been very difficult. I've had to take over the care of my mom while she is fighting for a diagnosis. She had suddenly developed a severe migraine well over two months ago, and it just hasn't gone away.

We have tried everything, and nothing has worked. So we see her family practitioner who ordered testing. Which is fairly standard, except for us. Because of her Ehlers-Danlos, she needs a specialized test. An upright MRI to be specific. Well the only one we are even close to is in Chicago. So off we go. We drive for 4+ hours. We got up before 6 this morning, btw. Anyway, fast forward to 4 pm this afternoon. My mom goes in for her scan and I chose to stay out in the car. Which is shut off and the windows are cracked.

It's a beautiful day and I'm enjoying the chance to rest for a bit. This particular MRI clinic is next to a rec center and lots of people are coming and going. As I'm sitting there I hear the laughter of young men. Maybe...17 years old at the most. I remember that I thought to myself, just ignore them. Close your eyes and feel the breeze. Well when the laughter didn't stop I looked up to see what was going on and guess what.. these two young guys were taking my fucking picture.

One of them took at least one and must have seen me looking back at him through his camera because they looked right at me and psudeo-ran away. Laughing and looking at my car the whole time. I can say without hesitation that I have never been more humiliated in all my life.

I haven't wanted to disappear this bad since I was a teenager myself. I was the girl that people would be dared to ask out, but the second I showed excitement or eagerness... well, let's say that more than once, people laughed in my face. Or called me slurs and mocked me. To my face. I have struggled to find any empathy or even love for myself and have had to claw myself up to even body neutrality.

I'm fat. I have PCOS so I get darker peach fuzz and extra chin hair which i normally wax. However the skin on my chin is darker.. like a sort of shadow. I'm not white. I just cut my hair short to help with ease of care. I'm short. I'm shy. I've never been sexy. Ive always been "cute." I've never been in a relationship with someone I've met in person. I've never had anyone want to stay. I'm also a daughter and a sister and a foster mom for sick kittens. I've been able to save every rescue I've ever had.

That doesn't matter though. I can't even be left alone to enjoy the sunshine without mockery. I'm recovering from eating disorders. I have chronic pain. I am doing my best. What else can I do? I've lost two pounds and I was over the moon because I did it in a healthy way. It is never enough.

I think I'm just gonna finish up with mom and probably go to bed early.

[maddisandy]

September is Chiari Malformation Awareness Month!

Hi yes hello! Since many people probably aren't aware of it, I wanted to bring attention to something we ourselves have called chairi malformation at the start of its awareness month! Its recognized with a purple ribbon usually with a zipper on it (for the zipper scars of those who've had Chiari surgery)

What is Chiari Malformation?

Chiari (key-arr-ee) Malformation is a brain malformation in which the brain is too large, skull is too small, or some combination on the both, causing the cerebellar tonsils (and in some instances the brain stem) to slip through the skull and into the spinal chord.

Chiari is most typically a congenital effect. There are two main types (though they aren't the only ones). The most common of the two us Chiari 1, in which only the cerebellar tonsils are descended through the skull. The second most common, Chiari 2 (also known as Arnold-Chiari malformation) has more tissue herniation in the cerebellar tonsils and even the cerebellum, as well as brain stem herniation as well.

(See Below, the Cerebellar tonsils are marked in red while the brainstem is marked in green and yellow. This is considered a normal MRI)

Chiari malformation is likely to occur in 1 in 1,000 people, making it uncommon but not rare. The statistics are likely to be slightly higher than that for Chiari 1, as many people don't present symptomatically (and many incidents are only found in cases where the person was receiving radiological imaging for other instances such as head injury, so many people are unaware they had Chiari to begin with).

The only way to diagnose Chiari is through radiological imaging (many arguing upright MRI specifically is the only proper way to view the real level pf herniation). Herniation is measured down from the McRae line to the lowest point on the cerebellar tonsils. Depending on the accuracy of the machine (and which imaging tool is used) herniation can appear at different levels at different times. (See below, my first MRI looks markedly less in comparison to my second MRI, which features a roughly drawn on McRae line. In the second image I was noted to have a 7-8mm herniation.)

Symptoms

Chiari is marked by a number of symptoms and commorbidities, even moreso depending on the type you have. Symptoms can occur at any level of herniation. Some people with Chiari can have a 3mm descent and have debilitating symptoms, while some may have a 15 mm descent and be completely asymptomatic. The most common of these is occipital headaches & migraines, ranging from mild to severe, but many more are possible. These range from...

Balance Issues

Dizziness & Vertigo

Neck & Shoulder Pain

Difficulty Swallowing

Sore Throat

Sleep Apnea

Nausea & Vomitting

Tinnitus & Hearing Loss

Blurred Vision, Visual Snow, & Vision Loss

Muscle Weakness

Numbness or Pins & Needles (Caused by Nerve Damage)

Poor Motor Skills

Fatigue

Cognitive Difficulties (including but not limited to Brain Fog, Memory Problems, Confusion, & Difficulty Speaking)

Insomnia

Photophobia/Light Sensitivity

Syncope, Fainting, & Drop Attacks

Seizures

Dysautonomia

Since the cerebellar tonsils block the opening to the base of the skull, Chiari can halt the proper flow of CSF (Cerebral Spinal Fluid) between the brain and the spinal chord. Because of this, Syringomylia (cysts filled with CSF formed on the spine called Syrinxs) is considered common with Chiari. Other common disorders with Chiari are Scoliosis, EDS & Cervicocranial Instability, POTS, Tethered Spinal Chord Syndrome, Spina bifida, & Hydrocephalus.

So What's the Solution?

Well, the only known solution for Chiari as of right now is surgery. This surgery is called posterior fossa decompression-- in which a small portion of the base of the skull is removed from the Chiari patient to relieve pressure and give more room for the brain. The surgeon can then do for sone patients a duraplasty, in which the dura (or opening of the brain) is cut open and a patch of tissue is sewed into the incision to make the dura bigger and give even more room for the brain. Surgery can also be done as a preventative measure against syrinxes for those without them. In the case the patient also has a syrinx, more surgical procedure can be done to drain the cyst. In patients with EDS, special procedures must be made to avoid surgical complications and making things worse.

Surgery is not guaranteed to completely alleviate symptoms, but typically helps with some. However, due to large misunderstanding and disagreement on proper diagnostic traits of Chiari from doctors (most typically neurologists and neurosurgeons) many may be denied surgery for a number of years, and Chiari Diagnosis can take on an average of 4 years to officially receive.

Some go years experiencing symptoms and having "low lying cerebellar tonsils" (or similar language, such as incidental tonsillar ectopia) noted on their radiology reports without doctors officially recognizing it as Chiari. In this time many are misdiagnosed with other disorders such as chronic headaches, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, and more before finally finding a doctor who will listen. Many will brush off the radiological findings as just a difference in your brain being formed at birth before admitting the symptoms can be due to Chiari. It can take years of your own patient advocacy before someone finally listens.

This is why awareness to it is so important, in hopes of reaching other people and doctors and forming a stronger understanding of the condition from information found by experts on it and those with Chiari themselves. With more awareness comes more accessibility to treatment and surgery so those who are symptomatic can hopefully find some relief. So this month send a little love & luck to those with Chiari!

[idontplaytrack]

Scared

Jos Cleary-Lopez x fem! reader

Warnings: hospital setting, hospitalisation, surgical procedure mentions, vomiting descriptions, anxiety

In which, reader finally gets on the right track to an answer for her pain but then she’s faced with a great fear of hers.

You’ve never seen Jos this scared. It was difficult to scare Jos— and in fact, difficult was an understatement. It was impossible. But the one thing that could make her feel this way? Seeing you in pain. She would then feel so, very helpless. You were curled up in her bed, literally writhing as you felt the sharp pain in your abdomen for the third time that hour. Jos watched you, terrified that you were experiencing such intense symptoms this time. This was not your typical flare up.

“Babe, I’m gonna get my Mom to take us to the ER, alright?”

“No.” You shot her down immediately.

“We’re going.” Jos insisted, “Mom!” She jogs to her Mom’s room, “y/n needs to go to the hospital…”

That’s all you heard before her voice died down. You gave up resisting and just went with the flow— nothing else was going on in your head then getting through the waves of pain. You had no idea how you got into the car, but you were in the back laying down with your head on Jos’ lap while Margot drove. You vaguely remember Jos just lifting you up while your arms hung around her neck lazily. Or was it Margot? No, it had to be Jos…you smelled her perfume and saw her necklace. Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted by another wave of pain that caused you to cry out. “Breathe, baby. I got you, it’s okay.” Jos reminded, “How far away are we?”

“About twenty.” Margot answers, glancing at the rear-view mirror, “I’m going as fast as I can. Hang in there, okay, sweetheart?”

You didn’t know about that- every single bump on the road had tears pricking at your eyes. You later learnt that Margot was certain that you had appendicitis, but with your lack of a fever and what you presented with during the physical examination, the doctors were seemingly freaked out— they didn’t show it, but it was prevalent that your case baffled them. Your symptoms didn’t fit this condition or that disease. They had no clue what to do with you.

“You did an x-ray, right? And that showed nothing. But you touched the area and you felt something- so something is there. Give her a different kind of imaging, then.” Margot urged the doctor who was typing away on the desktop, “She is clearly in a lot of pain and threw up in the waiting room. I do not care how much it will cost me, just figure it out. Not for me, but for her. If you refuse, please- put that down on her file so that the next time we see a doctor, they won’t jump the gun and dismiss her for being an addict.”

Jos sat with you, Margot did the talking because you just couldn’t form a proper sentence. The pain had consumed you. And yet, the doctors weren’t keen in heeding Margot’s advice. “You are a doctor. Help your patient instead of leaving her in the lurch. It’s not normal for her to be experiencing this much pain when she usually gets a flareup.”

“We will admit her to do an MRI scan. Then depending on results, the next step will be decided appropriately.”

“Good.”

So then, later that evening, you were sat in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV that was pumping you with pain medication. Jos sat in a plastic chair beside the bed, just looking at you. “Are you okay?”

“Oh.” Jos blinked profusely, “Yeah, it’s just been a long day. Get some sleep, babe.”

“You can go home, you know.” You told her, resting your back against the top half of the bed that was angled almost 90-degrees upright, “You don’t have to sit here and wait with me.”

“It’s good to see you like your usual self again.” She cracked a smile, “I just want to keep you company. It’s terrifying being in this environment alone and I know it— don’t argue with me about it. I wanna stay with you, alright?”

“Yeah, all thanks to whatever meds they’re giving me.” You allowed yourself to laugh. Jos reached for your hand and held onto it tightly, pressing a loving kiss to it. “We’ll figure this out, okay?”

“I know, it’s just…it always takes them so long to listen to me.”

“Which is terrible, but we’re here now and we’re on the right track.” She assured, “I’ll be here for you no matter what. It scared me earlier to see you in so much pain, but we got this. Okay? You got this.”

You didn’t exactly give her a response, but Jos could tell from your body language that you were listening. Your MRI was scheduled for the next morning at 8:30 and you couldn’t eat anything for at least eight hours before. So…you had about two hours before you had to stop eating. “Do you want something to eat? You still have some time before they said you had to stop.”

“Sure?”

“Mom bought it earlier while we stilll waiting for you to get a bed, but— you have a couple options. A turkey ham and cheese sandwich, or an egg salad sandwich. Or pulled pork wrap.”

You picked the ham and cheese sandwich and just quietly nibbled on it while Jos distracted you with a chat. Halfway through, she pours you a cup of water from the jug that they provided. “Thanks.” You brought the cup to your lips and took a few sips. Jos smiles at you before she resumed eating.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Now that I can think more clearly…I uh, I’m just scared that they’ll tell me that the ‘lump’ has grown in size. They don’t know what it is yet, and I’m honestly terrified. Why can’t they just cut me open and take it out? It’s been three months. And they’re still just calling it a lump. I don’t understand it, what it is…what I can do to help myself.”

“That’s what we’re here to find out. We’re not gonna leave until they figure it out.”

Jos knew you hated being here, but it was necessary. Your last hospitalisation had you being poked and prodded more times than either of you could count and you’ve since then developed a fear of needles.

————

You and Jos have just celebrated a year together when you first started having the pain. Initially, you brushed it off as a typical stomachache or gas pains. But, it worsened day by day and that was how the hospital has seemingly become your second home. You counted yourself as lucky, because without Margot, you would not be in this hospital bed right now waiting for an MRI scan. What were the doctors gonna do? Go against the mayor?

Because of the Power, you had to be sedated for the procedure since without it, what happened to Jos when she had an MRI to figure out what the new organ was, would damn well happen to you. It was still possible, but it lowered the risk greatly. Of course, they said that the scan wouldn’t be done if it weren’t absolutely necessary. In your case, it was. Especially after what another doctor had realised about ‘the lump’ and called it one that was ‘in your muscles’. You weren’t paying too much attention— you were so out of it. And the pain medication made you seriously drowsy. You were literally fighting sleep just to eat something before you slept.

“Yeah, I’ll be staying here with her. You’ll be back tomorrow morning before she has to go down for the scan, right, Mom?”

“Get some sleep. Both of you. And yes, of course I will be there. I have to be there because her parents are out of town and I also promised. So please, don’t worry about that and just worry about getting rested.”

“Okay, see you in the morning, Mom. She’s out like a light. I’m gonna turn in too. Good night.”

“Good night, sweetheart.”

Jos slept in a recliner that night, thankfully —peacefully. Even with nurses coming in every hour or so to check your vitals. The events of the day have really worn the two of you out. Margot came by early next morning while you were still asleep. Jos had already woken up for a little while, the nurse had also just came by for one last check. Then, you woke up. “Good morning.” Jos and Margot greeted you, almost in unison.

“The doctor will be by in a minute to explain the procedure again before they bring her downstairs.”

Jos and Margot followed you down to the MRI suite. Then left after you were completely under. Margot took Jos out for breakfast while they waited for you to be done. It usually took an hour— according to the doctor. But since you were sedated, it’d take some more time since you would have to he held in a recovery area so they could monitor you after the anaesthesia.

“She’ll be okay, Jos.”

“I know. Thanks to you.” Jos bit back a laugh, “It just sucks to see her like this now. She can’t do so much of what she used to love and still has to keep her grades up. She’s really trying her best but sometimes I can just tell she’s struggling.”

“She has a great support system. But of course, you…you mean the most to her. I know it’s daunting to have to step up and be her caregiver on days like these ones, but your Dad and I are always here. Don’t hesitate to come to us for help with anything— I’m serious.”

Jos nodded solemnly, “Thanks, Mom.”

As if on cue, Margot receives a call from the hospital. Jos looks at her hopefully. “She came through it great, and she’s already awake and asking for you.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” Jos heaved a sigh of relief.

————

Jos was the first one to step back into your hospital room and immediately gave you a hug. “Hi, love.” She rubs your back, “Hi. You’re okay, baby.” Despite being warned by the side effects of anaesthesia, Jos was still a little shocked by your crying and overall ‘loopiness’.

“She woke up with nausea so it’ll likely stay for the duration until it wears off completely.” The nurse warned, “She was given a medication to counter that effect but it still happens with some patients. So—”

You roughly pulled away from Jos, swallowing harshly as you made eye contact with your nurse. She calmly grabbed the emesis bucket and handed it to Jos, who was nearer to you. And Jos just stuck it under your chin to catch the spillage, as if on reflex. “You’re fine, baby. Don’t look at it, don’t look at it.”

While they took care of the bucket, you just laid back down and shut your eyes…not caring about anything else. A doctor came in a little later to check on you, but you didn’t remember it. You could only remember yourself nearly throwing up on the doctor. Which was painfully embarrassing but you didn’t have the energy to care, still feeling the drowsiness. “The scan showed a tumor on the left side of her lower abdomen- in the muscle wall. It has grown somewhat since we last saw her, but regardless, she’ll need to go for a biopsy to determine what we’re dealing with…”

That’s what you heard before drifting back to sleep with Jos holding your hand and squeezing it.

When you woke up again, you were discharged from hospital and given a prescription for stronger pain meds— the one that they gave you intravenously and made you very sleepy. Again, Margot was driving. This time back to their house. Her Dad and siblings said hi to you but quickly left you alone so you could rest. Jos helped you take a shower before letting you sleep. “Do you still feel like you might get sick?”

“A little.” You admit, leaning your head back to let the warm water run through your hair.

“We’ll put a bin right beside the bed, okay?” Jos promised, “I’ll stay with you till you feel better.”

“Jos, don’t be crazy. Just get on with your day, have dinner with your family.”

She chuckles, “Crazy? Yeah, I love you like crazy.”

You cracked a smile, not saying anything else while she helped you wash up. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jos.”

“Me neither. Can’t imagine a life without you.” She wraps her arms around you from behind briefly, “I know some days are very hard and seem like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, but I will always be here to do whatever it takes to make you feel better. Because life is so worth it, and isn’t all just about the bad days. It can be pretty sweet too. We just have to learn…hammer down a routine and stick to it when we need to.”

“Thank you. For being right by my side. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Don’t be silly.” She laughed lightly, the sound like music to your ears, “I’m okay now, don’t even worry about that. Just needed some time to process it all. Don’t ever apologise for feeling what you need to feel.”

“I love you.” You say, a soft sigh falls from your lips.

“I love you more.” Jos answered, turning you around to press a kiss to your lips.

“I love you even more.” You insisted.

Jos plants a kiss on your temple, grinning, “Oh, I love you the most.”

🏷️ Tag list: @auliisflower @ludoesartnstuffs @reneeswif3

[lulubelle814]

Just Dizziness - Chapter 26

I woke up in the middle of the night again, gripped with fear, unsure of where I was or might be. Bolting upright, I looked around the room, seeing flowers all around before I felt a hand on my arm.  It took me a moment to realize someone was talking as they turned me.

"Hey, it's ok. It's okay." I fell into his arms, crying. "It's alright, my love. I'm right here."

Looking up, there was Tom. "I'm sorry. I didn't know…."

"It's okay. You don't have to explain."  He pulled me close, holding and reassuring me until I finally fell asleep, waking a few hours later in the same comfortable position, him snoring lightly. I couldn't help but lightly brush my fingers through his hair, moving a few stands out of his face. His hair was getting long, not that I cared. When my hand landed on his cheek, his sleepy face leaned into it, still snoring. I couldn't help but smile a bit at this incredible man.

Rather than risk waking him up, I laid my head back down on his chest, listening to the soothing rhythm of his heart.  After a while, he began to stir.  "Good morning, my beautiful wife." He brought a hand to smooth down my hair and stroke my cheek which I couldn’t help but lean into.

After giving a soft kiss, we untangled so that we could relieve our respective bladders.  It's not long after we get comfortable back in bed that Dr. Shepherd made an appearance. 

"Good morning! And how are we doing today?"

"Ok, I guess.  About the same?"  I'm not sure how to answer, but Tom elaborates for me. "She seems good for the most part. Another friend came by yesterday.  She didn't remember her but knew she was familiar.  It was the same in the hospital garden.  Said it felt familiar which is when I realized it looked a bit like mum's garden.  In fact, we're going to take a drive there when we're back home and settled."

"I would say that's a good sign, a step in the right direction."

Tom continued. "She had another incident last night though, not quite the same but like she wasn't sure where she was for a moment."

"That's ok. Like we talked about yesterday, that may happen for a while due to the nature of her case.  The good news is the MRI scans look good. That along with how well you’ve done the past couple days, we can get you discharged this afternoon."

Sure enough, I was discharged a few hours later.  Tom already had everything packed up, and the hospital was kind enough to let us borrow a cart to get everything easily moved to the car to get it loaded up.  Ben and Sophie had Bobby at the moment but offered to bring him over tomorrow to give us a chance to settle in first which was very kind of them.

Settling back in at home had some comforts but also felt like a chore.  There were familiarities in a number of pictures and some of the furniture, but it was also not the same home I remembered, and I wasn’t sure why.  We had agreed on the drive home to be open and honest about how we both felt, and I told him I would let him know when it felt like I was missing something or maybe not remembering something.  Although I did not remember the house in general, it felt bizarre having him give me a tour of the place we had been living in for the past few months.  

I was excited to see the couch in the living room.  “This I definitely remember.”

He raised an eyebrow.  “Yeah?”

“Oh yes.  I remember we had an impromptu date that ended up lasting an entire day.  Luke dropped off a picnic at the park, and it started to rain.  We ended up back at your place cuddling each other on this couch under blankets for warmth and falling asleep.”

“That’s one of my favorite memories of us.  That was a fantastic day.”

“It sure was.”  It felt nice to have some concrete things to hold on to.  With all the excitement, we were both tired and ordered pizza, cuddling up on the couch and watching random TV.  Glancing around the room, it felt somewhat like home, and I hoped that would change sooner rather than later; however, when we retired to bed, that felt somewhat strange, but I was able to relax and fall asleep in Tom’s arms.

Chapter 27

[artgoblin666]

-WARNING GRAPHIC PICTURES POST ACCIDENT -

If you don't like gore or blood please refrain from looking at this post....

Heyyo everyone I finally feel comfortable enough to post about my accident that happened back in August..

To keep it short and sweet I started my first day at a cool dairy farm but chaos follows me everywhere so a mini tornado essentially knocked the cow pins (think of simple collapsible dog houses) off the post that kept them in place and hit the side of our tractor causing it to flip and crash on its side the side I was on. There wasn't enough room in the cab for all of us so me and my manager sat on the trailers hitch trying to get back to the barn. We didn't see the cow pins until it was too late and they were tumbling towards us before long we went from upright to sideways, right after I heard the sound of metal creaking I felt the most excruciating pain in my life on my skull and side. I tried wiggling but realized that I was pinned under neath the tractor my only option was to scream for help as the rain poured from all directions my hair and face were being drenched ,my manager was pinned under too but only by her leg leaving me with her back to my face what little there was exposed. she didn't hear my screams over the rain or feel me tapping at her back when I couldn't breath.. she was unknowingly shoving her wet shirt into my mouth and nose making it impossible to breath my only option was to squirm as far away from her back as possible no matter how much it hurt with the weight on my skull.. eventually the coworkers not stuck under the tractor from the cab were able to jump on the trailer and lift the tractor up enough for us to squeeze out..

We walked until someone came with another tractor they heard what had happened and put me on the tractor to help get me to the barn, me and the random worker from the farm were about to make our way to the hospital when the ambulance arrived. They looked at my face and told me they could see my cheekbone through the gash and put a huge band-aid on my face to essentially hold the skin together until we made it to the hospital. After that I found out as much as I could about the other girls while I was waiting to be stitched up and my testing to come back for all four mris they did to make sure I didn't fracture or break any bones while under the tractor..

Speaking of the tractor I ended up going back to the job people looked at me like I was crazy for it but I really wanted to work but my PTSD from the event ended up coming with a vengeance when I tried returning.. but before I left I took some pics of me with the infamous tractor 🤣

[dissociacrip]

why isn't there much info about coathanger pain with POTS?? or at least why is this not more common knowledge? i don't think i've ever seen anyone talking about this. every time i've asked about it (+other POTS symptoms it comes with in my case) in chronic illness spaces people have suggested everything from fibro, MCAS, a CFS leak, a herniated disc, CCI, etc. but nobody ever said "coathanger pain."

but dysautonomia international posted a silly little graphic on their instagram and now i have my answers to why i was having a ton of symptoms that did suggest a herniated disc but there were no signs of disc herniation upon getting an MRI and for some reason it was triggered by working morning shift/having to be upright for a long time in the mornings. i would get excruciating, searing pain that feels pike a knife has been shoved into the base of my neck and the whole of my upper back would have this icy burning sensation. accompanied by me losing the ability to think straight, losing my coordination, and slurring my speech. i left work crying one morning because of how much pain i was in before i eventually came to the conclusion i couldn't do morning shifts.

that's coathanger pain. my spine is okay (i think...for now, anyway.) according to The Stuff they don't know what causes coathanger pain necessarily but they theorize it has to do with reduced blood flow to those areas of the body (which would track since POTS tends to involve blood pooling in the extremities and such.) it's also not exclusive to POTS and is associated with dysautonomia or orthostatic intolerance in general i think.

One example of the power of obtaining the autonomic history is the Coat Hanger Phenomenon. In people who have neurogenic orthostatic hypotension or orthostatic intolerance, they can complain of pain, or like a charley horse kind of sensation, in the back of the neck and shoulder areas in the distribution that’s like a coat hanger. And it goes away when the person is lying down. That’s an important symptom. And the way I explain it is that the muscles that control your head are tonically active, otherwise your head be falling down all the time. Tonically active. That means they’re using up oxygenated blood all the time. Well suppose you’re in a critical situation where there’s a drop in blood flow at the delivery of oxygenated blood to the head. In that situation these muscles are not getting enough oxygenated blood. They’re tonically active, so they’re producing lactic acid and you get a charley horse, just like you’d have a cramp anywhere else. It’s a skeletal muscle thing. So, I think when somebody complains of Coat Hanger Phenomenon, that’s a very important sign or symptom. And that is not invented. That’s a real phenomenon. It points to ischemia to the skeletal muscle holding your head up.

(Dr. Goldstein, The Dysautonomia Project)

worsening cognitive dysfunction, slurred speech, and worsening coordination because blood's not getting to my brain. bordering on emergency-room-level pain in my upper back and neck because not enough blood is getting to those parts of my body. got it.

anyway, i legit have NEVER seen this discussed until recently and i thought i should share.

[melodicbreeze]

get to know the mun , repost don't reblog !

what’s your phone wallpaper: ah. aha. venti's namecard but Upright for phone wallpaper useage. last song you listened to: Fall Fair Uranium Suite last movie: oh no clue, i so rarely watch movies. probably something from disney+ when i went to visit calamari?? last show: ahaha, uh, fairy tail. both calamari and i got a lil. obsessed. i meant to show him like 3 episodes to show him my favourite character but we are now..... let me check......... 151 episodes in. oops. what are you wearing right now: black short sleeve button down and black shorts. how tall are you?: okay this is a sore spot dfgfdgdf i'm 5'10" now but i was like. a quarter of an inch from 6' before i developed degenerative disc disease. I Shrunk An Entire Inch In Like A Year >:( piercings / tattoos ?: Two tattoos, the FMA:B Ourorborus one on my thigh, and a paper airplane on my wrist. My right ear is pierced, left closed up, and I had my right eyebrow pierced at one point but I forgot if it was MRI safe so I took it out and couldn't get it back in. and by the time I went to a piercer it was grown shut. glasses? contacts?: Glasses. I know I'll lose contacts. last thing you ate?: Baked Potato Chips. original. bc i don't eat flavoured ones. favorite color(s): Official answer is blue but I love purple. current obsession: A modded minecraft server that Calamari set up for us, on top of Genshin obv unrelated obsession: did you know that florida has bog bodies. any pets: my black cat, Envy. i think she's feeling a lil tired today from her allergies, she hasn't asked for a walk today. do you have a crush right now?: does having a boyfriend count? favorite fictional character: aside from also my ocs, i see u there moss, Venti, obviously, but also Ryou Bakura lmao. specifically the one i write bc So Much as developed. last place you traveled: calamari's house---

[aus-dem-fruehwerk]

Backfisch

Gestern sass ich lange Zeit auf einem Stuhl, dessen Rücken- und Armlehnen Wände waren. Ich fühlte mich wie auf der Toilette eines Horrorfilms, wenn von allen Seiten die Kabinenwände anrücken.

Das Ganze war aber keine schlimme Toilette, sondern ein Upright-MRI, eine Möglichkeit, medizinisch brauchbar darzustellen, wie sehr sich meine Halswirbel bewegen und auf den Nervenkanal drücken, wenn ich sitze und den Kopf drehe und kippe und neige und senke und so weiter. Jeweils für etwa 15 bis 20 Minuten musste ich in einer Kopfposition verharren, während die Wände um mich rum Baustellengeräusche verursachten, meine Gesichtsschmerzen brannten wie schon lange nicht mehr und mir auch am Rest des Körper heisser und heisser wurde. Ich dachte, die Hitze am Körper käme daher, dass ich wohl eine milde Panikattacke hätte, aber als die Radiologieassistentin zum Positionswechsel reinkam und bemerkte, dass mir heiss war (ich machte unbemerkt "Phuuu"-Ausatmungen und wischte mir die Stirn), sagte sie: "Ja, die Magnetwellen geben einem warm." "Wie in der Mikrowelle?" "Ja, genau, so erkläre ich es auch: wie in der Mikrowelle." "Haha." Dann ging es weiter.

Zur Ablenkung der Patient:innen war netterweise ein grosser Bildschirm vor der einzigen Öffnung aufgehängt, darauf liefen Tierfilme, wahrscheinlich hat irgendeine Studie mal gezeigt, dass Tiere beruhigend wirken, dachte ich. Aber leider konnte ich die Tiere nicht erkennen, denn meine Brille hatte ich natürlich schon lange ausziehen müssen. Umrisse von Löwen spielten also miteinander (wahrscheinlich), dann Umrisse von Vögeln über einem Teich (vermutlich).

Nach ungefähr eineinhalb Stunden war das MRI vorbei, ich fühlte mich wie ein verbranntes Brötchen, musste dann aber trotzdem noch ins Röntgen, und dort mit weit offenem Mund den Kopf kippen und still stehen und warten, bis auch davon ein Bild gemacht wurde, und ich fühlte mich wie "Der Schrei", und das fand ich angemessen.

Als ich danach ins Freie trat, schien die Sonne und vom starken Wind fühlte sich die Luft auch hier im Industrierandbezirk Zürichs frisch an. Ich lief mit offenem Mantel zum Zug und atmete das erste Mal an diesem Tag tief ein.

[oediex]

So in the summer of 2021 I started getting back pain. I thought I'd slept badly or something. After 2 weeks, my GP suggested I take some anti-inflammatory meds and see if that helped. But it didn't go away.

In September 2021, my GP prescribed me 9 sessions of physical therapy. By that time, the pain had started to spread to my left leg. The PT sessions helped, though not fully. I finished the 9 sessions by November 2021. In discussion with my GP and PT we decided to see how it would evolve. Maybe it would be enough if I just did my exercises.

In late December 2021 things got worse. I started to lose feeling as well as muscle in my left leg when I was standing up for a while, and that time was shortening quickly, going from 30 minutes to as quickly as 10 or 15 minutes. Sometimes I would walk as little as 200m and BAM could barely get up the stairs anymore.

We could restart PT, my GP said, but maybe it would be better to get an MRI. I got the MRI. Next up was a visit with who I now call "my" neurosurgeon. It's March 2022 now. We're at 8 months of pain at this point. Luckily there's basically no pain when I'm sitting down. So as you can imagine I'm doing a lot of sitting.

The neurosurgeon is very frank with me. My back is showing the kind of wear that they usually see in 50- to 60-year olds. The pain is present when I'm standing uprights because my spinal canal, where all the nerves are in, is more narrow than it should be. Two things you don't want to hear. The third thing was that surgery was the only solution, because there were also two seriously herniated discs, which are causing the pain and muscle loss in my leg as well.

10 months after the pain started, in May 2022, I have surgery on my back. By July 2022 I'm recovered, exactly a year after it started. I still have pain in my back (narrow spinal canal baby) but at least the pain in my leg is gone.

Now, why am I telling you this?

Well, firstly, to tell you to take care of your back. You don't want all this ⬆

But mostly, in those 10 months between the first pain and my surgery, I gained more than 20kg, which was about 1/3 of my original weight. And I did it all while being vegan.

So, in case there's still some confusion about it

VEGANISM IS NOT A DIET OKAY

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

12:28 am time to think about kindness.

Thinking about when my brother died when I was in grade 9, like right in September, and I was out of school for a few days. My friend in my period 3 geography class told our teacher for me bc he had handed out an assignment and he wanted to know if she knew when I'd be back.

I was like. A totally shit student at the time and was more focused on making jokes with my friend than learning geography. It would have absolutely not surprised me if I was told my geo teacher hated my guts. I'll be real, high school me was a total nightmare harpy.

So I was completely shocked when I stumbled back into class after the funeral and my teacher pulled me aside to tell me he was sorry for my loss. He told me not to worry about the project, that he'd just pass me on it. He told me if I needed someone to talk to, his door was open. Every other teacher I spoke to with minimal detail gave their sympathies and handed over the schoolwork I missed and that was that. A few weeks later when he noticed I was really struggling, he got me involved in this stupid trivia team my school had that he supervised (which I ended up loving and joined for all four years).

Thinking about how my depression got worse this year. How I tried to kill myself in September and ended up in a forced psyche hold for a few days. How it's been a fucking battle to keep myself upright lately. Medication adjustments, psychiatrist visits, therapy check ins every week. It's been just a complete fucking nightmare that I absolutely don't want to involve anyone else in.

I see a specialist doctor every three months for a rare health condition I have that could cause me to wake up blind one day, or make me develop seizures or have a stroke. He's got no bedside manner at all but I don't mind bc I like a doctor who doesn't bullshit me. Plus, neuro-opthalmologists aren't exactly in abundance from my understanding. Even if he's kind of a prick, you get used to it after seeing a guy every three months for about three years now.

I went to see him mid December. He asked me if I had any changes to my current health since we last saw each other. I told him about my suicide attempt since I figured as my doctor he should know.

He immediately paused the appointment. Asked how I was doing. I told him not good. It's been a lot. He told me that the damage to my eyes hadn't improved from the latest round of treatment, but it hadn't gotten worse either. And since it wasn't worse, he was going to put a stop to our treatment plan for the next three months. That's way, he said, I could focus on improving my mental health. No more pills or special diet or MRIs or spinal taps or optic nerve imaging for the next three months so I could just focus on getting better. He told me he'd pray for me and to let his receptionist know to book me in for March.

Like, idk. I guess I'm just thinking about kindness in this specific form. Less doing stuff for me, and more giving me permission to let go of some of the tasks on my to do list. There's always another school project, in three months my doctor and I might be discussing surgery if the damage to my eyes get worse. But for a little while, my plate isn't quite as full and fuck if that doesn't mean the world to me when I'm struggling.